#think i might confront him about this because i cant deal with how shitty his attitude has been recently and my mom agrees that it's unfair

[timegears-moved]

.

[og-danny-dorito]

[ 𝐒𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐒𝐧𝐢𝐩𝐞𝐫 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐬™ ]

i have only seen one episode of the anime and a shitton of clips but i Do Not Care he’s SEXY

⚠️𝐓𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬⚠️ : sexual content in some parts (i’ll put a ⚠️ on which ones are)

- okay so like idk what it is about him but he kinda gives off “smooth until you get to know him” vibes??

- like it’s obvious that he’s incredibly skilled in combat and has years of experience under his belt, but does that mean he knows how to ask if something is wrong to someone he cares about? no, no it does not

- he’s basically the equivalent of your awkward dad friend that cant confront other people about emotions and isn't great at conveying his own but is still extremely supportive and would kill someone if they were being a mild annoyance (literally)

- he’s basically the physical embodiment of the stereotype of calling someone “kid” as a loving term and ruffling their hair after a long talk or putting his hat on their head as a way of trying to comfort them

- OH also i’m convinced that he consistently smells like cigarettes and expensive cologne, even if he isn't smoking in the moment

- it kinda just follows him everywhere?? like it’s a very subtle scent that just carries with him wherever he goes but if you’re around him enough you you’ll be able to recognize it a mile away

- it’s kinda comforting to have around, but that doesn't really diminish the fact that smoking might kill him one day if something else doesn't

- he knows that it damages his lungs and all that, but there’s a certain comfort of letting the warm feeling of burnt tobacco flood your lungs that he just kinda,, craves basically

- that being said, he’s 100% gonna have a smoke after sex (⚠️)

- it’s like a ritual for him: he fucks you into the mattress and then has a smoke afterward you’ve both finished (⚠️)

- with his arm draped around your shoulders, he holds you close while he breathes out the toxic clouds to the ceiling and tells you how much better of he is with someone like you to be by his side

- he’s a very sweet and caring lover, which makes it really easy to go to him with anything

- work stresses, concerns about a loved one, or something as simple as having a bad day doesn’t fall on deaf ears when he’s around

- the inverse though is that he’s not that good at conveying his emotions through speech, so if something is bothering him he prefers to deal with it on his own to save you the trouble of having to be overly-patient with him

- it’s not that he doesn’t trust you or anything he just,, doesn’t really know how to put his feelings into words. so,,, he doesn’t.

- but he lets you know in other ways how he feels. sniper has never really been one for physical affection (his love language is more along the lines of acts of service tbh), but if he’s having a bad day you can usually tell because he starts being more touchy-feely with you

- for some reason just being close to you is enough to make him feel better, so he makes it a point to subtly show you that he wants your affection because words are hard

- it’s not uncommon to find his knuckles brushing against your palm as he stands by your side or have his hands desperately squeeze your waist when you go to hug him, but it only intensifies once he’s feeling kinda shitty

- he doesn’t like the concept of taking his frustrations out on you sexually (unless you want him to ykyk), so most of the time he just hugs on you for moral support (⚠️)

- the best position is for him to sit down on the couch in your make-shift apartment with you straddling his waist, his arms wrapped tightly around you while you card your fingers through his hair

- by this point his hat is off, casted aside on the couch and his tie loosened up so that it’s easier for him to breathe and relax

- his gloves are off so that he can feel the warm expanse of your skin against his own, his large hands covering most of your hips and back as he rubs his thumbs along the soft areas absentmindedly

- it’s almost like he’s trying to map out the patterns on your skin, trying to remember every detail of this moment like you’ll disappear one day without a trace.

- bonus points if you start to tell him how much you care about him and how good he is to you because he needs the validation TvT

- he kinda just likes being validated in general though?? he’d never admit that he likes to be praised, but the feeling of someone needing and caring about him as a person kiiiiiinda makes him more happy than he’d like to admit

- like there’s a certain feeling of satisfaction that he gets when someone tells him that they think he’s great regardless of his flaws that he hasn't quite learned how to handle

- most of the situations that i can view that sort of relationship forming in would be with someone he feels he needs to protect even though they can pretty much handle themselves

- he likes someone who’s mature enough to where he won’t be nervous if he leaves them alone for more than five seconds, but dependent enough to where he feels needed

- he’s seen a lot of shit, so a more upbeat or carefree partner would probably be right for him since he kinda likes having someone around who isn’t as critical and uptight as he is even though he hates being called uptight

- there’s a particular kind of joy of having someone who still views the ugly parts of the world through a lens of child-like innocence and positivity

- he likes having someone around who isn't scared of him and trusts him enough to rely on him even though it makes his protective senses go haywire

- he doesn't want anyone to crush your dreams of a better world or your optimism for change in any way shape or form, so if anyone even THINKS of trying to hurt you it’s over for them

- but, regardless of all of his flaws and issues and self-doubts, he’s very loyal and protective of you. just seeing you brightens his day and makes him feel better. having someone take that away from him- his little piece of heaven on earth that he thinks a bastard like him doesn’t deserve -is something he’d never let happen to you. you’re one of the only good things he has in this hell on Earth, and he’ll be damned if someone tries to take you away from him.

𝐄𝐱𝐭𝐫𝐚 : It doesn’t matter if you’re older, younger, or his age, if you’re shorter than him he’s going to call you “kid”. He does that thing where he rests his elbow on your head or your shoulder when he’s just idling around, and makes it a point to pretend to not be able to see you when you walk up to him. He’s definitely the type to say “I heard a voice, but I can’t see anyone... weird.” When you call out for him because he likes how flustered and pouty you get at his teasing.

[-𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠! 𝐑𝐞𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐬 𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐆𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐀𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝.-]

[mediocrebnhablog]

Kiribaku+ bakusquad hcs

Getting together

This is a long one and if I had the talent I'd just make it a fic

They liked eachother for a long time before finally getting together but didnt wanna ruin their friendship and thought the other was way too good for them.

They each talked to the squad about their crush but they told different people. So it wasn't a Person C looks on in exasperation situation.

Sero was the first to notice something off and asked kirishima about it. Kiri tried to reassure him it was nothing but after a couple weeks of sero gently reminding him he was there to listen kiri finally told him he might have a crush on bakugo. Hes just coming around to understanding and accepting this himself so that's why he didnt come to sero before. Every once in a while sero will get a text saying how manly bakugo is but other than that it stays quiet.

Mina is next to notice. She thought kiri had a thing for bakugo for a while and hes only been getting more blushy. So she confronts him to make sure shes right. She may be the gossip queen but she makes sure the rumors have some hard facts behind em. Kiri gets really akward and tries to laugh it off but the blush definitely says otherwise. Shes a good friend though so she pretends to believe him and tells no one.

In second year when kiris crush gets bad and he decides he wants to win bakugo over. Sero tries to help but hes not very good at this stuff so he suggests mina. Kiris hesitant at first but realizes shed definitely be the best person to help. She pretends to be shocked and agrees to help him. After a week or so though she lets something slip and when kiri asks her about it she admits she knew about his crush for months.

Kaminari doesnt know about kiris crush but he did notice bakugo being alot more snappy and growly when people would flirt with kirishima. He makes a joke about bakugo being jealous and he gets yelled at. Most people would think this was all bakugo being bakugo. Hes always growly and when is he not yelling?? But kami knows somethings different. Hes surprisingly observant. When they're alone he tells him its totally ok to crush on kiri and he could talk to him about it if he wanted. Bakugo obviously yells at him and denies it but kami just laughs it off and tells him again he can come talk whenever.

Because kaminari fears no God when he and bakugo are out of ear shot he'll tease him about kiri. This goes on for a few weeks but then bakugou mellows out a bit and usually just mumbles and pouts after his usual threats (that are definitely for show). When they're completely alone with no chance of anyone hearing bakugo scream he starts casually talking about kiri and the rest of the squad. He doesnt mention the crush and when he notices bakugo is actually listening he talks more and more about kiri specifically. Eventually he sees that bakugo has a soft look on his face and a small blush and that's when he brings up the crush.

Bakugou looks like he wants to yell at him but it comes out really soft when he says "shut up why should I care about that?" Kaminari laughs and tells him his secret is safe and that bakugo should totally go for it. He even says he'll help bakugo "get over his emotional constipation." At that point bakugou does try to blow him up but he accepts the help none the less.

So for many more months kiri and bakugo are flirting with eachother more trying to win the other over while they get flustered at any attempts the other makes. So when bakugo invites kiri somewhere kiri asks if the rest of the squad is going. Or when kiri flirts the way mina taught him to bakugo gets really flustered and yells stfu. Because bakugo gets red when hes angry (seperate hc) kiri doesnt think it's a blush and thinks he doesnt like the flirting.

Kaminari doesnt know about kirishimas crush on bakugo and mina and sero dont know about bakugous crush on kirishima cause they're all great friends who would take this secret to their grave if need be. So after every attempt to flirt with each other the squad is just in the background being supportive. Like "nice try man we'll get him next time" :D trying to reassure them "no, no he totally likes you back! Did you see that blush?"

The reveal happens cause bakugo caught sero and mina setting something up for him and kiri. Bakugo catches them and when he asks about it they get all jumpy. He threatens them but even then they wont say so he tells them if it's a prank it better not affect him. They swear it's not a prank so bakugo leaves it at that.

Later when kiri asks him to hang out later he brings him to the same spot. Bakugo obviously recognizes it but doesnt say anything. Kiri doesnt seem to find the different look of the place surprising so obviously he knew about it and theres no way kiri would do something weird. They're just hanging out but bakugo quickly realizes how romantic the atmosphere is compared to the last time they visited. He gets all shy thinking "wait does this mean he actually likes me back?"

Kirishima and the rest of the squad who were totally not spying see how bkg is acting and are excited cause this means their plans are finally working :D

Mina and kami get excited and accidentally make a noise. Bakugo and kiri dont notice thankfully but the other 3 do and they see eachother. [Insert spiderman meme] It turns into a "what are you doing here" "what are you guys doing here?" "I asked you first"

They try to be casual and keep it secret but they're bad at it and realize kiribaku like eachother cause why else would they other be there unless they were also totally not spying on the not yet couple.

They accidentally make another noise and this time they're caught. Kiri and bakugo are confused why the part of the squad that doesnt know about their crush is there but they forget about it when they realized they were being spied on. Mood ruined so they head back to the dorms.

For the next week the squad is trying to keep the fact that they like eachother back a secret cause they're not supposed to know while also being "dude trust me on this he like you back!"

After that week they're studying in one of their rooms and the tension is so thick kiri could cut through it without his quirk. They're both thinking about the Not Date but bakugo is thinking more about kami telling him he knows kiri likes him back.

After a couple hours of silence (not even kirishima asking for help) bakugo snaps. He demands to know what's up. Kiri laughs and tries to brush it off but bakugo calls bullshit. He brings up the Not Date and ask what exactly that was. Kirishima is stammering to the point bakugo cant make out any words and bakugo cuts him off asking if he likes him. Kiri tries to say yeah and imply that he likes him as a friend. Bakugo thinks the answer is too vague and makes him specify how exactly kirishima likes him. Kirishima thinks about lying but after hearing mina and sero tell him for a week that bakugo definitely likes him back he tells the truth.

After realizing what he said he gets nervous and starts rambling. He tells him why he likes him and the more he talks the more scared he gets. He tries saying how it's not that big a deal and it doesnt change anything and he totally understands if bakugo doesnt like him back.

Half way through bakugo comes out of his shock that kiri likes him back and grabs kiri by the front of his shirt. Kiri doesnt know what's happening and doesnt realize hes being pulled in until a second after bakugo starts kissing him. When he does register what going on he immediately kisses back. When they finally pull back bakugo whispers "shut up shitty hair. I like you too." This time kiris the one who pulls him in. He practically jumps on bakugo like an excited puppy as he throws his arms around him neck.

They could keep going but they have homework and bakugo knows kiri must have gotten alot wrong if he got anything done at all cause he didnt ask for help once in 2 hours.

When the bakusquad sees them the next day they're holding hands and bakugo yells at them to shut up multiple times before giving up. Not once does he let go of kirishima though.

[cherishedkids]

how the others react when they find out muichiro and giyuu has a secret s/o!

A/N: i’d like to thank @akaasemitodoroki (i cant tag you as well :((.) for requesting this! i took a lot of liberties since it was a bit vague but i very much had fun writing this! i also did my best in writing a gender neutral s/o since they never said what the pronouns were, so i hope that’s okay. thank you again!

tokito muichiro

tokito muichiro is a person who only thinks of himself.

there is no place for emotion in his heart.

anything that involved the word ‘feelings’ would be set aside, as there were more important things to do.

if you could describe him in one word, logic would be the first thing you’d think.

the boy has lived his whole life ruled by it.

at least, that was what the others thought of him.

imagine their surprise when they find out he has been involved in his own romantic endeavours.

nakahara sumi almost drops her bowl of water when she sees muichiro sitting on a chair, running a damp cloth over your forehead.

maybe she goes over her thoughts, thinking logically.

were the two of you best friends?

was he just extra worried about you?

but the distance between the two of you seemed awfully… nonexistent.

terauchi kiyo sees sumi ogling at something through the crack from the sliding door. 

she’s curious.

as she goes to see what exactly she’s so shocked about, her eyes go wide. 

then comes takada naho and kanzaki aoi.

aoi does not hold herself back.

“tokito-dono, what are you doing!?”

the three other girls curse and thank her for her tactlessness.

you lay there, gingerly raising your hand up to wave at them.

he only stares blankly at them.

the warmth that he gave you was gone as he stared at the four other girls.

“i was just tending to ___… is it wrong?” he had an irritated tone present in his voice.

“did you need something?” you ask, shushing muichiro’s objections.

aoi starts to sweat. “n-no… carry on!” 

“yes, please leave us alone.” muichiro says coldly, as he dips the cloth back into water to put on your forehead again.

the four of them scatter away.

soon, a rumour starts to float around.

the hashiras and demon slayers hear of this, and start to watch his every move.

some, going as far as spying on him whenever the two of you were alone.

it seems like it has become a mystery if the cold muichiro has found someone to warm his heart.

they start to make bets, whether or not the two of you were together.

even shinobu kocho had her ears peeled whenever muichiro or you visited the butterfly estate.

she’d listen to the gossip of the workers who helped either of you.

she was one of the first people who knew, just from the frequent visits the both of you gave to each other.

kanroji mitsuri starts to give him love advice, for no reason at all.

“you see, muichiro, the key to a person’s heart is their stomach! give them as much food as you want and they’ll love you forever!”

he’d just nod at this, seemingly not listening.

a few days passed, and they saw muichiro and you visiting a ramen shop.

according to the witnesses, it seemed like muichiro was berating you for not eating much.

the next time muichiro saw mitsuri, he gave her the cold shoulder.

“muichiro, are you mad at me?”

he nods.

“why?” mitsuri’s face contorts to one of sadness.

he stays quiet for a moment. 

then, he speaks lowly. 

“your love advice didn’t work… they only got angry at me for telling them to eat…”

this confirms it for mitsuri.

the very next day, tengen uzui pats him on the back.

muichiro looks at him in confusion.

“congratulations, muichiro. soon, you’ll have as many wives as me!” 

“what do you mean?”

he only winks at him. 

obanai iguro’s interest was only ever lit because of mitsuri’s constant gushing over them.

iguro sees muichiro in the same position as him.

“make sure you take care of them.”

muichiro is offended at that.

“___ can take care of themself.”

when iguro shares this exchange with mitsuri, she explodes. 

you get barraged with questions the moment the news breaks.

you were resting in the butterfly estate when aoi rushes in.

“are you and muichiro really together together?”

you are taken aback, but honestly, it’s been a struggle watching the girl contain herself from asking the question.

“what do you mean by that?”

the moment you reply, the three other girls enter the room and explain the situation.

even tsuyuri kanao visits your room to see what the commotion was.

kamado tanjiro, who happened to be passing by, was elated at gossip.

“muichiro and you?! that boy has really grown!”

shinobu enters, as the noise was too much for her to work in.

as she starts to scold the people who were inside the room, muichiro slides the door open.

all eyes are on him as he holds a box.

but he doesn’t look fazed.

“why is everyone here?”

they all sheepishly smile, and shinobu glares at them to get going.

they all rush to get out, but secretly hang by the door to watch the interaction.

“i don’t know why they’re all so obsessed,” he wonders, as he opens the box for you.

“aw, let them be! it’s been fun watching them speculate,”

“they won’t speculate for long after i give this to you,”

they see him present something to you and you audibly gasp. 

a necklace comes out of the box.

when you hug and kiss him on the cheek, they all squeal outside.

they break the sliding door and you and muichiro untangle yourselves from each other.

“congratulations, muichiro!” tanjiro exclaims, and nezuko gives the both of you a thumbs up.

“god, the butterfly estate is so loud today.”

it really was.

but it was really a wonder as to how the stoic tokito muichiro found love.

the answer was simple.

he made space for you.

he just didn’t understand why they all started screaming and blushing when he kissed you in front of them.

maybe he wasn’t that logic driven after all?

tomioka giyuu 

it was no secret to the hashiras just how much of a prick tomioka giyuu was. 

he was certainly withdrawn from the rest of them.

he kept his serious face when insulted them.

the worst thing about that was when he didn’t know he was even insulting them.

all the other hashiras had in common with him was the respect they held for ubuyashiki kagaya. 

he was quiet during hashira meetings, and they were thankful for that.

they didn’t know if they could endure the wisecrack if he started talking more.

but when ubuyashiki kagaya says the words “giyuu, i trust that you and your fiancé can handle this district,”

their ears perk up at this.

fiancé?

suddenly, they wanted him to speak up more.

“yes, i have trust that they alone can handle the demon alone.”

ubuyashiki smiles. “... of course, i respect your trust in them.”

kocho shinobu is the first one to ask him about this. 

after they are dismissed by ubuyashiki, she immediately confronts him about the news. 

“tomioka, can i ask you a question?”

he looks at her, face indifferent.

“yes?”

“you have a fiancé, and you didn’t tell us?”

her face still has the ghost of a smile.

“i didn’t think it was necessary for any of you people to know,”

she closes her eyes in disagreement, but forces out a smile.

“plus my fiancé would be turned off by your personalities,”

“this is exactly the shitty reason why none of us like you.” shinazugawa sanemi butts in.

kanroji mitsuri smiles at him.

“i think it’s his private business! i just wish he didn’t keep it a secret,”

obanai iguro agrees with kanroji. 

still, no one really believes this.

there must have been a mix up!

but ubuyashiki never made a mistake when it came to his hashiras.

he gave great care in knowing his subordinates.

still, they would not believe it until they actually saw you.

naturally, the news of tomioka giyuu having a fianće spread among the demon slayer corps. 

one of the most serious and respected hashira—actually has someone he loved for real!

kamado tanjiro hears this, and the next time he sees giyuu, he beams at him.

“congratulations, tomioka! i heard the news,”

giyuu is concerned at how the hashiras decided to spread the fact that he had a partner.

but he wasn’t phased by it.

numerous times, they had just blabbered off, expecting someone to keep a secret.

but he guessed secrets were hard to keep among his colleagues.

“ah, yes, thank you, tanjiro,” 

he replies stiffly, unable to hide his unease.

“giyuu, who’s this?” 

your soft voice asks from behind him, and he can already hear the gossip that will be coming out of this.

tanjiro might be hard-headed, but he connected the dots.

“___, this is tanjiro, the kid i’ve been telling you about,”

“yes, i’m kamado tanjiro, chief! nice meeting you!” 

he then looks at giyuu, a determined look on his face.

tanjiro then makes a shushing gesture and it seemed like he was promising not to tell anyone.

but giyuu knows it won’t be long until the spread of your name reaches the hashiras.

the next day, giyuu receives a letter from a crow. 

it kept cursing him as it handed him the paper.

it was a note from urokodaki sakonji.

it was far too long and full of explicit words.

the basic gist of it was urokodaki’s disappointment that his own student did not share this news to him and he had to find out through tanjiro.

that brat.

he started to receive gifts through crows from his fellow hashiras.

some were thoughtful, like mitsuri and iguro’s letter of congratulations with fruits sent along with it.

he was kind of worried for the crow who had to carry the heavy load.

some were useful, like himejima gyomei’s sharpening stone wrapped in red cloth, apparently for good luck.

one was outright insulting, like shinobu’s gift to you, specifically.

he almost threw the book she sent.

it read, ‘how to deal with an annoying husband’.

the others didn’t care, and he was more thankful to the people who didn’t make a huge deal about it.

however, it made missions a bother since some lower-ranked demon slayers decided it was their duty to protect him so he would be able to marry you.

he wasn’t a child who needed protection.

but he couldn’t do anything about those who took it upon themselves to save him.

he just wished the attention was directed to you instead.

in the end, even though tomioka giyuu had a lot of secrets, his soon-to-be fianće wasn’t. 

he was alright with it, as he considered you someone he should be proud of knowing.

[nexusconjunx]

@artsy-hobbitses​: LET ME HEAR ABOUT THESE BOOTLEG MEGATRONS

LETTTSSSS GOOOO AAAAAA THIS GOT SUPER LONG I tried to list everyone I can remember and who has some backstory sdjsjdkdj

Disclaimer: I’ve only read MTMTE/LL. My knowledge about any other continuity is based on Fanfic and random tumblr meta I’ve read.

Also, in theory, all of these characters are from different universes and wouldn’t have met, if it weren’t for those meddling Lost Light shenanigans…  There is a very loose background story connecting all the different universes.

(Namely, the LL that hopped universes keeps on hopping, and because unfortunate circumstances, it keeps homing in on Megatron. This is due to their first jump landing them in a SG universe where the Decepticons lost, and the resident Starscream shoved all of his surviving companions into different universes to save them. Of course, the LL wants to help, but Starscream thought it was a VERY good idea to first get his lover leader back and messed with their technology. It stops being funny after the third time they find themselves at the hands of very a pissed and murderous war lord.)

But enough of that! They do find a few Megatrons that are a bit more chill. I wish I had pics of all of them, but alas. One day. All of them get nicknames, because else it would be very confusing.

 TFA Megatron: Codename “Juno”, he/him, far over 17 million y/o. HF age: 60 - 70

He’s from a heavily modified AU where he was constructed as a kind of middle man between the protectobot high command and the warframe army. Even back then the civilian bots didn’t like to be confronted with the people that fought their wars for them, so they build new ones. Juno is at least glad that he got a pretty face out of the deal.

He learned to fight relatively late, had been sent to the battlefield as a last resort in a loosing battle against some organic planet, and Strika saved his life. They have been best buds ever since and go through thick and thin.

After the organic wars there was a short rest period on cybertron, but soon war frames were pushed to the edges of society, the rise of Megazarak, Juno joining him, the great cybertronian war, Junos overthrowal of Megazarak, and eventually Juno lost the war, but all the Decepticons (war frames and civilian alike) retreat to a new home planet.

Juno himself is. Old, worn, but still very much at the top of his game! He never crash lands on earth, but he does end up being captured by Autobot high command, and our Lost Lighters arrive just in time for him to break out.

He, Strika and Lugnut end up hopping universes with them when the LL is attacked by the TFA autobots, and Juno is delighted by how fucking shitty every other Megatron is. He won the fucking moral high ground game by loosing the war! He has bragging rights. He might still have done terrible things, but, shush!! Let him have this.

The subsequent name change comes because he really doesn’t like being shot at. Plus, after 17 million years, its time for a rebranding! His favourite activity is beating up (killing) other Megatrons. Not just because they are assholes, but to prove that he’s still got it! AU optimus primes look at him like “how did u do that” and Juno be like “What, like, is it supposed to be hard?”

He’s also delighted to tell you that, no, he does NOT fucking know who Optimus Prime is.

Besides all that, he’s the “sick cat of the multiverse”. He might be a super soldier, but you can bet that one day he’s gonna have a sparkattack and randomly die. He has a ton of scars and as a HF, a lot of them are visible. His spark is not really the strongest anymore, due to the previous loss of a conjunx, and by honour of being old as balls.

His storyline is basically “Have fun while you still can, and admit that you would really love to be in a polycule with Strika and Lugnut”.

 TFA Megatron: Codename “Junior”, he/him, just scratching 1 million. A baby. HF age: 20

He’s basically Juno from an earlier point in time. Doesn’t yet know Strika, has no battlefield experience. A real baby. Lies about his age to get into bars. Probably shouldn’t do half the stuff he gets up to.

Junior and Juno develop a father-child bond, but both would deny it under torture. Until Junior saves Junos life, that is, but they don’t talk about that.

He hates his nickname and is soon best friends with Rodimus who finds his existence delightful, because they are the same breed of young reckless dumbass.

 G1 Megatron: Codename “Molly”, she/her, only available as human, age: 50

Just an older gal living her best life in some desert. Wears tight leather pants, high heels and white shirts with a deep neckline. Sings Dolly Parton’s “Jolene” very well and very loud at her favourite bars karaoke nights. A delight to be around, if she says so herself. Still yearning for that sweet trucker gal she met on the road years ago.  Might still have ties to gangs. Drives a motorcycle.

This universe is more of a rest stop for the LL, and coincidentally it’s also a Wings!AU. Molly has Californian Condor wings.

 IDW Megatron: Codename “Billy”, he/him, only available as human, age: ~ 200

A right mean bastard. Lives in the Magnus Archives universe, and a Hunter Avatar by nature. Although, he wouldn’t define himself as such. Sure, he’s a hunter, but doesn’t that encapsulate so many more fears? The fear of being Watched in the Dark, and Slaughtered for Meat in the End?

He would say that he has had honest and good intentions. He thought himself so great when he was young and killed his first monster! But then the monsters didn’t stop. And after so many years, well, he paved his road with good intentions, and it’s leading him right down to hell. He might have killed a few more humans than necessary. But oh, it is for the greater good! And he can hardly stop now.

Someday, there will be a new, fresh hunter, with enough determination to finally take him out. He’s made his peace with that. He does hope they will stuff his shaggy hide and display it in a trophy room.

Only Megs so far who wears plaid shirts. Is actually nice to be around, if he isn’t actively after you. Hunts Pigs for sport.

Also the only one I’ve drawn so far. His Hunter form would be a irish wolfhound. With a few more jaws than neseccary.

I think that’s all of the bigger ones so far ssdjsdjsdhshshdlf. Juno really is my favourite (if you cant tell).

[infinitydoublevenus]

My mom was combing my hair and I was ranting about pointless shit like I always do and I ironically used the word “bruh” because I didn’t see why not and my mom immediately goes “Can you not talk like that, it’s just...” Oh excuse me? Hm? It’s just what? Uncivilized? I told her as far as I know that’s a common word to be used in black communities (I’m not sure of the accuracy of this statement someone correct me if I’m wrong) and she goes “Then why are you saying it?” And I go “Because it’s not exclusive to those communities, just ore common there” (as far as I know). And I sarcastically called her Judgy McJudgyPants and I shit you not, this grown-ass 52-year-old adult woman gets all fucking up in arms about me “caling her names”. What are you, “mom”? A fucking 5-year-old? Literally no adult I know that’s mature would get pissy over someone calling them a preschool playground insult. It’s not like she was curled up in a ball crying either, no, this woman’s immediate reaction is to get angry at me. Because apparently calling her Judgy McJudgyPants is equivalent to a fucking hate crime in her little narrow minded fantasy world. And she starts arguing about who started it and it was obviously her, she’s the one who got all pissy instead of ignoring a meaningless playground insult, not my faukt youre so goddamn fucking sensitive you can’t even function. And I tell her that and she starts going off about how I started it. Like she fucking always does even if I didn’t do shit. So I told her “You never wanna acknowledge your faults because you just wanna be this martyr mother figure! You’re not perfect so stop acting like you are!” And she gets all angry and blatanty denies it. Like this is exactly why the fuck I’m angry!! What the hell woman!!! Then she starts yelling at the top of her goddamn lungs at me which she A. knows I hate and B. knows irritates my sensory issues without giving a shit about either of said facts, so I raise my voice since I don’t think she can hear ME over her loud ass arguing, and then she gets pissy at ME for yelling! I told her she was being a hypocrite and she gets all mad AGAIN saying I’m “calling her names” and saying shit like “I am your mother and you will obey me!” I told her “Don’t be so authoritarian. You’re not a dictator.” Now keep in mind I’ve tried to talk to them about shit like this calmly but do they ever listen when I don’t get mad, no, so I might as well be a  fucking bitch about it. Then she gets mad at me because “You will be obedient! You are MY daughter!” And at this point I don’t even remember what happened I’m so angry the memories are foggy, but she ended up being such a dick to me that I got really upset and started crying right there on the couch like a pathetic ass bastard, and she has THE NERVE to get mad at me for fucking crying! What kind of mothe rridicules her fucking DAUGHTER for being so upset she’s literally SOBBING AND WAILING in the middle of the goddamn living room? A dickass toxic no-mother-of-mine, that’s who! Then she says “Don’t be disrespectful to your mother!” as if she wasn’t being the same to me so I said in my firmest voice possible  “Don’t be such a jerk to your daughter.”  And she has the fucking gall to start MOCKING me for being so upset! So I’m super angry at this point, way beyond miffed in fact I’m absolutely livid, so instead of saying “pardon my french” first like I usually do when I’m about to swear I just go “Stop being such a condescending asshole!” Then my dad walks in the door, gets all up in my face which he knows FOR A FACT I take as threatening, points directly at my face and says in the most threatening tone ever “Don’t call your mother an asshole.” I told her she was instigating it and being a jerk to me and he goes off about how that’s no reason to call my mother an asshole. Like this dickface could see I was crying but did he give a shit? Nooo, the fact that I dared say something with the same meaning as “poopyhead” was more important apparently! He told me “don’t call her names” but she was doing the exact same thing and gets a fucking Scot Free Pass Card I guess! I told him she had been calling me names and he goes “What did she call you?” in this tone of voice that just. Like. You KNOW he didn’t believe you because he thinks you’re being a douche to someone else even though YOU’RE the one crying like a fucking baby in the goddamn nursing ward. I told him I didn’t remember, because I didn’t and he just walks away as if nothing happened instead of actually dealing with the situation! And then he goes “All of your privileges are revoked” like wtf does that mean. You literally define everything I enjoy as privilege. Even if its just going outside for gods sake. My mom threatened to take my phone and computer “no matter what’s on it” bitch it’s my only lifeline to MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND YOU GODDAMN INCONSIDERATED HEARTLESS ASSHOLE! I’ve told her this a million times over and she still doesn’t give a shit! I’ve told BOTH of them a million times and NEITHER of them give a shit! And instead of trying to calm me down despite the fact they could HEAR my depression coming back because I was saying ridiculous shit like “Everyone hates me” what do they do? Comfort me? Try to calm me down or at least put the dog in my chair? No, they fucking get mad at me for crying too loud! My mom had the fucking gal to call me “immature” because I was o damn upset! And I love my dog but she seemed to care more about my dad walking away than THE HUMAN WHO WAS WAILING HER ASS OFF RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER, It’s like she didn’t even care either! Everyone only gives a shit about my parents being upset because they’re so damn charistmatic outside of the house and no one ever sees this horrible hellish side of them!  The only people who ask about MY feelings are the ones who say “How are you” and they NEVER want an actual fucking answer! Nobody fucking cares! I can’t even go to my best friend right now (personal reasons)! I literally have no one to calm me the fuck down right now. I want out of this house. I want out, I want out, I want out, I want the fuck out of here, I want out of this toxic ass family, I want out of this psychologically abusive prison hellhole, I WANT OUT OF HERE!!!! But I cant call the fucking Child Protective Services because I’m a goddamn legal adult! I’m so damn pissed right now I’m shaking. I literally looked up a self harm simulator because I was so fucking upset. I actually played it. I played a fucking self harm simulator is how damn depressed I am right now. I NEVER play that kind of shit. 

And my parents threatened to not let me go to Target with the as if I fucking give more of a shit about that than the fact they’re being literal pieces of garbage right in front of my goddamn face. They didn’t give a shit I was upset, it’s always all about them, they just wanna fucking idolize themselves so they never have to look at how damn shitty they are! I hate them I hate them I HATE THEM!! 

The worst part is at the end of all this my dad confronted me and asked me why I thought my mom was being immature. I told him because no reasonable adult would be insulted by sarcastically being called Judgy McJudgyPants because it’s a stupid playground insult. And do you know. Do you fucking KNOW what his response was?

“Well, what if I called you retarded?” 

He basically equated a fucking slur with a made up insult that nobody uses ever. 

I told him “Don’t you dare compare that to something like Judgy McJudgyPants. That’s a slur. I used a made up insult. that word has been used as a slur against disabled people like me and maybe if YOU were disabled you would understand because right now it’s clear that you don’t understand it at all.”

And he fucking told me calling someone any name was THE FUCKING SAME as calling them retarded! Like no! I told him “No, because that slur damages disabled communities. Judgy McJudgyPants doesn’t.” 

AND HE KEEPS GOING OFF ABOUT HOW ITS THE SAME! I didn’t even ask him if when he asked me if he was actually calling me retarded because I got the feeling I wouldn’t like the answer to that. 

[sereniv]

hey elytrians is a dream smp fan (if you don’t know who that is, he’s verifiably awful person. He had a kkk fancam in his twitter.) if you require more evidence you’ll have to do that, this is a trigger for me.

I want to be clear. I just looked it up and the edit is disgusting, i couldnt watch all of it but i don't think i need to. Ive also looked up what people were saying about it, his reaction to it recently, and ive heard stuff from people in the past about him being shitty.

But im not in the fandom and I dont follow any of this so though I will say that it does seem like Dream sucks, overall I dont post about him i dont know him i dont care about him.

If i were engaging with the SMP then id be involved with conversation, but im not. And i dont know if every person on the server is bad, what they feel about things i know literally nothing

Now if someone is stealing posts or art, or they themselves are racist or transphobic as in explicitly saying racist things then please tell me

but, except in the case of jk rowling, someone who reblogs SMP and may or may not like Dream or whatever their views are, is not a real concern to me

I like problematic things, and im very critical of those things. Especially if anyone involved is a bigot, but its complicated because for example ive watched Harvey Weinstein movies, not purposely because of him. And i enjoyed some

I dont support him, but i like the movie. And there are cases where it DOES matter what you interact with and who is making the content which changes the context of the content

But you cant just come in here saying a post by a person who likes a thing is triggering for you. Tho im really sorry if it affected you, Im not going to block every person, try and remember every username of people anons tell me i should avoid.

Again none of this is cut and dry. One thing I will say is from what ive heard and seen from Dream I dont support and not someone i feel comfortable about. And I would feel uncomfortable with someone who supported someone even with proof of them being a bigot at least recently (people change over the years).

But its up to me to decide what conversation I want to have, and how i want to deal with that situation

Idk what you wanted me to do. Im not blocking that person im not going to confront them nor delete the post unless you provide me evidence that this user has said bigoted things.

I didnt want to write this i was going to delete this ask or be nondescript in a seperate post but i NEED people to know what my stance is so i get less messages like this.

ill tag things if you want, though i might forget. Thats what I can do. But any other messages unless explicit proof of this user being a bigot, im going to delete

[cindaay]

For the past year or so, I’ve been in an on-and-off relationship. It started online and very very quickly became something much deeper than I ever imagined. We never honestly had a “friendship,” we dove almost immediately into a full blown relationship only having known each other two months. We got along really well. I mean, insanely well. We are also very different people with very different lifestyles and goals and world views.  Our proper relationship really only lasted about a month before our big explosive argument in the middle of the night that sent me home in tears, thinking I was never going to see him again. Low and behold, two weeks later, maybe less, we were back to seeing each other, but, we were “taking things slow”. “Starting over”. Nothing changed. For months we continued to hang out and make out and “not be serious” but be, basically, in a relationship.  For a number of reasons I won’t get into now, we had a very turbulent relationship.  No communication skills whatsoever. Both of us have our own very prominent mental issues and pasts that haunt us and make us lash out on one another instead of trying to talk things out. We knew it, though, and most of the time we would have an argument about something and then by the end we were laughing at each other and agreeing that we were both being fucking insane and it, honestly, felt like it made our connection stronger. But, it still felt like we were miles apart on so many things. And we were. We still are. Break up, stay friends, get too close, fight, break up, stay friends, get too close, fight again... it was always the same endless loop. And it made me miserable. That being said, growing up being the middle child in a relatively unstable household and being bullied for this and that, I grew to master the art of hiding my feelings. Burying them. Distracting myself with anything to avoid confronting my problems.  This has carried over into all of my relationships, unsurprisingly creating a lot of problems for me and my partners. Our inability to communicate properly and to level with each other on the real, the gritty, the uncomfortable created and maintained a wedge between us. He also has a daughter and an unstable relationship with her mother - who hates me, simply because I was next after her. That complicated things. I don’t want kids. I don’t want to raise anyone else’s. That’s a huge part of his life that I really ...didn’t want to be a part of. He’s a drunk, too. He’s gotten better, but, it’s such a deeply rooted habit that stems from his upbringing. His politics are on the opposite side of the spectrum as mine. Huge deal to me. His career (or lack thereof) goals were not in any way similar to mine, and frankly I think he felt threatened that I have such high aspirations and very nearly the means to attain them. I say very nearly because the only thing really stopping me from achieving my goals is myself (thanks, depression!). He got a DUI two years ago and hasnt gotten his license back. If we’re going to see each other, it’s up to me to make it happen. Everything always took place on his turf - never mine. I know all his friends. They love me. He doesn’t know any of mine. Never showed any interest in being a part of my life. Only wanted me for himself. Even to present day, he gets hostile at the very mention of me doing something other than hanging out with him. And I know, I know it’s not just that. I know it’s months and months of miscommunication and perhaps broken promises and neglecting issues until they boil over and erupt and cause basically irreparable damage to the both of us.  Also, I’m a gemini and he is a scorpio, so, let’s just consider that as well. Anyway, we broke up again and for the final time in, March, maybe? I cant even quite remember when it was but it was several months ago. We decided to stay friends, because, old habits die hard (or not at all). We did pretty well for a while. It was weird at first but we sort of managed. But simply just erasing the intimate, physical part of a relationship overnight is lets face it, impossible.  So it wasn’t long before we were you know, snuggling and holding hands and sharing quick smooches. We continued on like like - “not together” - for a while. We hadn’t slept together in a long time before the break up anyway. We were, I guess we were friends. We got into the habit of not kissing anymore for a while. We got along pretty well, but would still have our tiffs and our blowouts when he would get drunk and be mean to me and do all kinds of petty things just to piss me off. I guess I should say that he’s also a heavily right-leaning Libertarian facebook troll who likes to argue with people and always thinks he’s right. He’s insensitive to “progressive” ideas. Makes lots and lots of jokes at other peoples’ expense and says a lot of really shitty, racist, sexist, elitist things. Calls Donald Trump “Daddy Trump” and thinks its hilarious to fly a flag with his ugly mug standing on top of a tank with fireworks and American flags in the background. Seriously sometimes just a very heinous person. Not the kind of person I would ever associate with. But I didn’t really know these things about him until it was too late. I had already fallen for the parts of him that fit so perfectly with parts of me. I was never looking for a relationship when I met him. I wish I had never gotten into one with him. Honestly. If we didn’t jump straight into intimacy we could have been great friends I think. I mean, hell, I kissed him the night I met him (I had also had 8-9 Bud heavy’s because I was so nervous and out of my element). I really set the bar. It had been four years since my last relationship ended -- and it did not end well -- and I was honestly excited that I had met someone so similar to me and so interested in me. I was leery of the situation from the get-go and knew, KNEW, that I should tread very carefully and make my intensions known from the start but... lust is a hell of a drug. Lust that turned into love but a very confusing love and a not-certain-if-it-really-is-love-love. To be fair I think all love is relative and no love is alike, in that something that is a deal breaker for one person might not be for another. You can’t define love is all I’m saying. When you love something or someone, it is for your own reasons and not because you checked every box on the “Is It Love?” list. But I digress. What I’m trying to get at is that two nights ago, very nearly exactly 48 hours ago, we were approaching an ice cream stand when suddenly it all came out and it all fell apart. I’d tried to end it with him a few weeks ago because I’m literally exhausted from trying to keep up with the whole ugly thing, but, through tears and compromise we decided (again) to remain friends. Since then, though, I’d been distancing myself (like I said I wanted to in the first place) and he just sort of ...lost it. I guess. I couldn’t handle the pressure of trying to be friends with someone who clearly wants to be more. I’d been fantasizing about finally telling him off and driving off into the distance, free and confident that I was going to get my life back. Now I’ve done that. I’ve cut ties. I blocked him on Twitter, on Facebook, Snapchat, even by phone number. I’d never blocked his number before. Even through all the other bullshit, I’d never blocked him.  He tried to contact me throughout that night but I wasn’t having it. I was excited, I’d finally done it. I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore.  He actually impressed me by sending me an e-mail the next day, something I did not expect. Just begging me to talk to him and to hear him out and that he would “settle for being friends,” “as long as [I] make it clear that that’s all it is”. He had a friend of his text me and ask me if I could just speak with him because he is so devastated. Eventually I did give in and I contacted him and I told him I was sorry things ended up this way, if I could go back and change certain things, I would. But my decision remains. Too many times have I gone back on the promise I made to myself that ‘this is the last time’. I need, for myself, to abstain from having any kind of relationship with him. I would love for us to be friends. I think. But it is not an option at this time. We never had a proper break up. He never got over me. I suppose I got over him, but I never truly made my feelings clear to him. I do understand that I lead him on in a lot of ways, and I don’t feel good about it, but, I think I led him on so much because he had manipulated me to the point where I didn’t think I had a choice. Our whole relationship was just sort of this cause-and-effect mind-fuck that both of our bad habits and inabilities to confront our issues perpetuated. It was all so messy. It was all so ...degrading on a lot of levels. Even though I genuinely cherished his company and the way we could say and do the same things at the same time so often and how even when we were fighting, we managed to make each other laugh. But I guess maybe it was my propensity to over-romanticize that kept me coming back.  I hated how he lived. His bed is as old as I am, it’s not comfortable. He eats steak with his hands sometimes. Only eats carbs. Never cleans up after himself. Wears dirty socks several days in a row. There were always CRUMBS and DIRT in the bed and it would freak me the fuck out to the point where I had to brush off my side of the bed before getting in it and he would strike and attitude with me because he thinks I’m being fussy but in fact I am literally having a hard time breathing because your MESS freaks me out SO MUCH. His CHILD sleeps on a tiny mattress on the floor surrounded by literal garbage and guinea pig feces (because she would kick it all out of the cage and he could never be bothered to change her bedding or sweep the floor). He is always in a bad mood. Something is always pissing him off. Work, family, lack of money, “libtards”, you name it. Something. All the time. And supposedly I was this magical creature that could *cure everything* except that wasn’t the case. He would still be just as miserable with me there than if he was alone or at the bar complaining with other drunks. Nothing you say to him (of any real helpfulness) will change his mind or put him in a better mood. It’s useless. And he’d always apologize after doing or saying something fucked up if he knew he pissed me off. And I’d tell him “you have to stop doing that,” and he’d say he would, but he never did. And we just... we got too close. Everything the other person did was somehow a dig at the other. There was no trust. No real “friendship”. Just a couple of months worth of great memories that were only great because we had no idea how fucked up the other person would end up being. He always says he can change. He’ll do anything just to keep me around. I’m his best friend. He’s driven away all his other friends. But that’s too much for me to carry. I can’t be the sole reason for you to want to be a better person. I can’t be your sun, your moon, and your morphine. I want him to be happy. I want him to have a good relationship with his family and have financial security and have a place of his own and I want him to have a life he can be proud of. Unfortunately I don’t think that I really fit into the equation. Not if this is how we’ve ended up anyway. Having him in my life is not conducive to my goals either. It sucks to say it but he has been holding me back for nearly a year and a half.  He has drained me of my energy and of my confidence and of my desire to rise above the bullshit. He has only furthered my belief that telling people how I feel is only going to get me laughed at or yelled at. He has shown me just how destructive drinking can be. And how crippling to any kind of relationship technology and social media and the internet can be.  He has also taught me that some guys do know where the clit is. And that 24 is one of the greatest shows of all time. And that despite how unhappy I am with myself, nobody else sees me the way I see me. I’ve wanted to text him a dozen times today. Everything reminds me of him. I’ve had to scratch out a few things on my calendar since Monday, which was unexpectedly sad for me. I know that he is miserable. I know that he thinks he can’t live without me. But he has to. Tough love, right? Part of me thinks that we could just not see each other but continue to text but... most of me knows that in order for us both to heal and move on we have to draw a line and stay behind it. I literally didn’t know how to function on my own after my last relationship ended. We spent every day together for two years. We lived together. We went to school together. We did EVERYTHING together. He was all I knew. When that ended I was lost. We tried to stay friends but things were too sour and we soon accepted that we had to step out of each others’ lives for the better. Eventually, I learned how to walk again and I could fill the void with things of my own, experiences, friends, you know. To my knowledge though he is probably in a worse state now than he was then. I don’t want that for him, I never did. But it’s out of my control. In the end, the most important thing is me and my well being and my happiness. If desperately clinging to a friendship that never really quite existed just for the sake of the other person isn’t making me happy... I need to stop doing it. It sucks being sad. It sucks knowing that the things I want to say to him have to go unsaid. That he is at home or at work or wherever miserable and thinking only of ways to get me back into his life. I don’t want to make him more miserable than he already is. But I think that me stepping out of his life is going to eventually give him the push he needs to get his own life back on track. And when that happens, and when I am comfortable in my own skin again, maybe we can reconnect and build a friendship. But right now everything is still too hot to handle. I don’t know how long this hiatus will last. It could be years. But we cannot be friends with this amount of tension and fresh hot emotion between us.  Still I find myself second guessing my decision. Damn my critically high level of empathy. I wish I could just sleep it all away. Wave a wand and make it all better. Go back to last year and tell myself to quit while I was ahead. But alas, I am only human and this is only a blip in my still-young life. Heartbreak sucks and it is every bit as draining and tormenting as it is said to be. But this is not my first and it is surely not my last. Anyway, I feel a little better after putting it all into words outside the realm of my stupid broken brain.  The worst part is that all I want to do is talk to him now. Wish me luck.

[toomanyskeletons]

do all the oc asks ALL of them for AT LEAST two of your ocs (evil laughter)

“evil”

you act as if talking extensively about my ocs does not bring me joy (i’ll only do two probably bc i do have some asks from other people so i’ll have to do those with other ocs, and i’ll try to stick to the same two for the most part.

or three. maybe three.)

anyway let’s begin

1. if they had a tumblr, what would they post about?

Sam: hmm i think probably some blog like. Mostly trans positivity posts with scattered posts abt how much she loves her gf

Amelia: considering her popularity status she’d run some blog like. U kno the blogs tumblr celebrities run i guess? So like. Reblogging a few general funny posts and answering select asks while getting like 200 every day.

 2. what’s their favourite colour?

 Sam: she likes blue :o like. Light blues. Also she keeps her hair dyed light blue as well

Amelia: purple. Honestly idk much more i can say about this.

 3. What makes them laugh?

 Sam: shitty puns and memes, mostly. The type of person who laughs out loud when u just say ‘egg’. She’s probably still into ‘xD tacos’ random humour.

Amelia: the polar opposite of sam in this regard. Laughs at intellectual humor. Like. rich fancy people. I know it exists but i cant think of any specific examples. Politely laughs at things people say are funny but she does not find them actually funny.

 4. If they had one day left to live, how would they spend it?

 Sam: “lmao dw i’ll probably just go to hell anyway” wait no context is important. She’s like. Actually how do i make this not sound bad rip. Uh. basically she is a business partner of lucifer who is actually p chill but that’s another story

Anyway that means like. If she dies she’ll probably just come back as a ghost or a higher tier demon.

O fuk now i really wanna draw that

Amelia: panicking and trying to find a way to not die. She had things she wants to do and a public record to maintain and jeez  i just realised how much ames has changed compared the the first universe she was in. i mean YEAH completely different life experiences but rip

 5. Do they have any annoying habits?

 -this is really subjective bc of what different people consider annoying but

Sam: people say she laughs too much. That is not her annoying habit is, her annoying habit is tellling lucifer when people say that so lucifer can like. Ban them from reincarnation or put a curse on them or something like that. Also sometimes when she cant be bothered to go that extra step she might go into the past and become that person’s grandmother.

...that second one isnt really an annoying habit to most people but to the one guy who has to help keep control of time, it is a very annoying habit and what makes up like half of his job doings.

 Amelia: sometimes goes very over the top with things. One time she stole a magic book by becoming a security guard at the place where it was kept and then took the book and ran. So like, instead of doing things illegally, she did it also illegally and got a month’s pay from it as well.

I guess she’s like. Extra™

 6. What’s their favourite movie genre?

I s2fg i have mentioned this sometime in one of the long texts i have written involving these characters but i cant remember so

Sam: tbh probably more realistic/contemporary stuff, rom-coms, slice of life, coming of age etc. Like. her life is a science fiction/fantasy movie she’s a time traveler working with the dark lord lucifer ffs. Also she’d probably get annoyed on tiny details while watching historical stuff like

“That never happened”

“Sam it’s fiction, it’s a movie, how would they have known that”

“Well maybe they didn’t know it but it’s still fucking annoying”

 Amelia: probably similar to sam, her life is fuckin busy and always people and she’s famous so like. Escape from her life is to indulge in the normal things.

 Just as a side note this does take place in a modern-ish fantasy world so idk what fantasy movies would be considered there but. They exist. I’ll work this out sooner or later

 Also bonus character bc its fucking funny - Zeph: zephyr likes horror movies. She also likes to watch horror movies with her brother. Her brother does not share her same passion for horror movies. He has a certain threshold before he has to flee the room and cuddle someone. This is mostly why zeph likes horror movies. She is pretty picky with what she considers ‘good’ and spends most of her time making fun of horror movies.

And, like the rest of us, secretly freaks out when she is alone at night and hears a sound outside. But for significantly less long because she knows exactly how to make fun of it.

 7. What are their religious beliefs?

 Alright i might not (read: will not currently) answer this bc i’m still working out how to handle religion in this, bc basically there is historical evidence for how the world was created. But obviously that’s not the only component to religion?

Another point would be that actually i still havent got around to creating any religions yet.i still gotta get around to getting down a more detailed history of the world first but i am planning it

 8. What’s their current job (if they have one)?

Yes BITCH i have been WAITIGN for a question like this

 Sam: basically she made a deal with lucifer and runs many errands for them. But also they helped her a LOT when they helped her escape a shitty transphobic environment and also the two became best friends? So i mean she doesn’t get paid but that takes up a lot of her time

Also she, at one stage, becomes part of this thing called the council which i haven’t quite worked out how they work in this universe yet. Theyre a bunch of strong magic people who work in coordination with the Champion (more on this below) to put down rules about magic. Theyre a reused concept from this story i made when i was like. 10. So the idea does need some reworking.

 Amelia: amelia is the champion, which is basically the title given to the person who wins at a big magic competition. Its a p big job, lots of publicity and pr and often regretted by the people who do end up getting there

(like? This one guy? He was kinda like “oh yeah sounds fun” and then he fucking won and he was like “lmao i’ll lose next year” and then he kept the position for 7 years and after that got so fucking sick of it he faked his assassination and became a reclusive mysterious millionaire)

Anyway she enjoys it for the first while until there is a real threat of her being assassinated unlike the aforementioned dude

But she enjoys being around people to an extent, and like. She enjoys making people happy, so

 9. How do they react to confrontation?

 Sam: similar way to what i described before. Like. jsut the little things. Cursing them with the help of lucifer, becoming their grandmother, you know. The usual ways people deal with confrontation.

Amelia: curiosity, further questioning, keeping calm, kinda just. Being chill about it. She wants to make herself a better person, in general, and if someone is deliberately being a confrontational asshole she prefers to just state her point calmly.

 10. Do they have a criminal record?

 Sam: you know? Probably? She kills a bunch of assholes where it’s required, but also she legally doesn’t exist? So? Idk? She’s been arrested a few times, but considering there is no information on her existence at all-

*shrugs* idfk how the law works.

 Amelia: well, technically, no, she only did illegal things last universe and had a pretty fancy upbringing this universe, so there was no reason for her to do the illegals and also like. Public image and stuff. She worries a lot about public image.

 11. What’s their favourite plant?

 Another thing which i feel i have mentioned somewhere but idfk where

 Sam: likes hydrangeas. They’re pretty.

Amelia: can i just say. It is definitely not catnip. Actually. Maybe? Like. she had some pretty fuckin negative experiences with catnip where she destroyed reality for like a solid five seconds by accident and went to purgatory, but also she made two life friends out of it, so? Maybe catnip after all.

 12. Can they play any instruments?

 Sam: “does the kazoo count”

Amelia: nope

 But because this was boring, i’m going to do a special guest feature from her half brother ryan who is a semi-popular youtube vlogger/musician-y dude. or . whatever this world’s equivalent of youtube is. Uh. metube. Yotube. I’ll think about it.

 Ryan: he plays the guitar and sings and he’s damn fucking good at it and he knows it. Also he shares the same combination of forgetting how to outlet his anger in healthy ways + poor impulse control which means that about once every six months he has to buy a new guitar because he couldn’t get that song right and he hit the guitar against the floor.

(his dad is a writer and also an archangel,and one time he couldn’t work out how to start off a scene right so he exploded his laptop and had to use a typewriter for the four weeks while his other archangel buddy was fixing it - i’m getting off topic here)

 13. What are they proudest of?

 Sam: i guess just. Her life in general? Like. she’s survived up to this point, she’s doin shit, maybe not the shit she expected to be doing or the shit she imagined she’d be doing but she’s still doin it. Like. fuck you life. I survived. And she’s proud of that.

Amelia: that one time when she managed to keep her champion title the first time? And also when she made friends with the guy who she thought was a girl and also dead who turned out to be not a girl and alive and also was the champion for seven years rememebr that guy yeah that’s this guy. Anyway she made friends with him after settling some differences. And also when she stopped a whole organisation from murdering her yeah that was good too.

 14. What’s their biggest insecurity?

 Sam: okay this is Definitely Not Me Projecting here (hint: it’s me projecting) but she hates being seen as masculine at all and is very insecure when people refer to her or see her as masculine? Like if u call her butch She Will Cry and also why would you do that bc her and her girlfriend are femme as heck

Amelia: public image public image public image public image

Like. she doesn’t want to look bad, or like a bad public leader, but also, she just wants to do her own thing, u kno?

 15. What do they most often dream about?

Like. literally dream or daydream?

 Sam: probably. Mostly happy stuff. Plus random occasional vivid recollections of tramatic experiences.

Amelia: honestly who the fuck knows (i’d answer this properly but I am Almost Out O f Time)

 So yes almost out of time but thank you so much and doing this has inspired me to just completely rework my first book to make it more interesting

I know that sounds bad btu its not i promise i love oyu

(also there was a bunch of different formatting like italcs etc that was lost when icopied from here to docs sorry)

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 9 (05.09.2021) - (06.04.2021)

Before I get into things, I cant believe I haven’t been on here in almost half a year. Well, to be fair I do get on here, but just for a quick minute to see my small feed and then get off, or whenever I get those notifications from tumblr desperately trying to get me to open their app again. I actually have been meaning to get on here and write, but I guess it became one of things you say and never do. I just felt that there was so much on my life to update on that I kept pushing it back further and further. I know I don't have to, but someday I’d like to see what was going on in my time back in the day - both good and bad, Besides, it’d be an interesting thing for my kids and for my older self to look back upon and see what bullshit went on. Reading off my last entry, I see I brought up that keto diet again. Yeah, that shit never stuck. It was one of those things that I tried once and it went great, and then I kept trying it time after time and it failed every time. Even now, this month, Im still trying to get back into it. And by “getting back into it”, I mean I told Mr. that I was gonna do this diet with him, and then i continued eating like crap - but wait I have an excuse. My sisters birthday was the week that we were supposed to start, so I mean, I couldn’t step out on my sisters birthday bro, I had to eat that good good you know? 

Covid is still a thing. Update on that though, I did get vaccinated. My university opened up vaccinations for students and so me and Mr. The first vaccination didn’t hurt at all, to be honest I didn’t even feel the dang thing go in. And it was so funny because after you get the vaccine they monitor you for fifteen minutes and Mr. legit had the worst luck and sat in the only available seat which was in the corner between an Asian girl who was on the verge of throwing up and someone who was laying down in a bed about to pass out. I mean, it was hilarious imagining if they were to throw up on him, and besides with the jokes we made, It was so hard to keep in my laughter. The second vaccine was about two weeks after the first, and there was some sting to that one. I didn’t get any crazy symptoms, but my head was spinning and i felt very tired, the best way I could describe it is when you’re really sleepy and you just wanna sleep all day and your eyes are heavy, like that. Like, the best type of sleepy where you’re about to knock out. The only bad thing to it was your head spinning but thats it, I guess it made you feel very weak aswell. 

*Sidenote: It literally took me almost a whole month to come back to this draft and finish it. It is currently 06.04.2021.

Last thing I was talking about was the Covid vaccine. Yeah, the symptoms weren’t too bad, it was just the dizziness I guess. My sister got the vaccine this past month and she experienced the same symptoms as well, and so did Mr., Ice, and my mom. I already finished with my spring semester, and summer classes just started. I’m taking a Crij course this summer just to get it out of the way already, and I am retaking Biol 1 in Summer 2. Aside from this, it has been really shitty. I guess the least worst thing that’s happened so far is that my older brother came to visit back in March this year. I haven’t seen him in a long time, but it wasn’t all exciting. I’m not sure if I’ve talked about him before on here, but long story short, he’s caused my siblings and I a lot of trauma from when we were at a younger age. When he came, it was just one of those things where it was really awkward at first and then it just kind of became a “faking everythings good” type of thing. After this, shit really hit the fan. 

I never thought this would be anywhere near a part of my story but,

*Trigger Warning: child exploitation*.

I believe I have mentioned before that I had gone to couples counseling with Mr. This was back in early-midway 2020. We had gotten better, so our counselor saw fit that we stop going. It was scary at first, because we felt like things were just going to collapse again now that no one was going to be there to help support our relationship in a healthy way, but it was actually great. Individually, I was really scared too. I mean, I was used to things blowing up eventually over and over again, so you could imagine the hesitation I had when I had to actually trust Mr. again, and I mean like actually trust. I was practically forced to put my walls down and trust him, and I fought him and our counselor so hard on it, but it was like the whole world was against me because left and right people were telling me to trust him, so I did. I was really worried at first. The first couple of months were normal, but there was several times where I would overthink things, and look for things to go wrong. I’d stay up and stalk his social medias, his friends social medias, like, I was looking everywhere. I guess this is what gave me the slightest hint about what was going on. I had gone through his likes on twitter and saw that he had “hearted” a photo of a girls onlyfans. And it wasn’t just a regular girl, It was someone we knew and went to highschool with. This girl was someone that Mr. and his friends would always tease and bully, and I don’t know why, maybe it’s some misogony, but there is always going to be something sketchy when it comes to a certain group of guys and girls they tease. They say all this stuff about them, but once that girl is exposed in the slightest, they are all there jerking their meat to them. Anyways, I confronted him about it and he said that he had clicked on the profile just to see what it was and once he realized what it was he exited out. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and moved on. Towards the end of the year, I’d say around late October, I started believing that things were okay. I even talked to my friends about it and stated how weird it felt for things to be okay, almost as if it felt wrong, but they assured me that if I had nothing to worry about, then don’t. To just be free, be happy. And then my world was crushed. In early to mid December, I woke up to several messages on my phone from a girl I recognized, but never had any contact with. I had previously known her because she was an ex to a former friend of mine. However, because she messaged me on messanger and deleted the messages before I had the chance to read them, I couldn’t see what was said. I was only able to see that I had gotten messages and that they were deleted. I replied to her and asked what was up, because I was extremely confused as to why this girl was messaging me in the first place. Her reply was, “Do you know “Mr.”?. This legit shook me to the fucking core because it is what I had feared all along. I was so tense for months, and once I had finally relaxed, this shit gets thrown in my face. She started asking if I knew my own boyfriend, and said that I might want to talk to him. I remember I kept asking her what was going on, but she just kept repeating the same thing; to talk to him first. And it was really odd because the night before, Mr. had messaged me a long paragraph explaining how he loved me, and how he’s made mistakes, and how life is so hard on him, and just basically explaining himself to me in such a vague way. But I took it to heart, because he opened up to me on his own after months of me asking him to. I didn’t wait to think of it as an apology for what was coming. That was the last message he had sent me before I got the message from this girl. Lets call her Desert. I was spamming Mr. with calls, texts, I even tracked his location and he had turned it off. Eventually I came to the conclusion that he had gone back to doing what he used to, which was something dealing with nudes or that he had cheated on me, or both. I ran to my friends scared half to death; I couldn’t eat, talk, I was freaking the fuck out. It’s almost as if my body knew, and was preparing itself. Mr. got back to me later at night, but he didn’t want to tell me anything about what was going on until I threatened to leave him. I recall telling him that I’m done waiting, and that I needed answers now or I was going to bombard Desert with them and hear it from someone else and leave. This is when he told me. He told me that months ago, after our couples therapy had ended, an old friend of his, someone we went to highschool with, lets call him Bucket. For some insight, Bucket is some bad fucking news. This guy is the last person you would want any of your family around. And I remember he had started talking to bucket and some other friends from highschool again, but I don’t know why my peanut brain didn’t think exactly who he was getting involved with again. Anyways, he told me that Bucket had reached out to him and asked if Mr. had any lewd photos of girls. Reminder: this was something they had been doing back in highschool. Mr. told him no, and that was that. Bucket kept coming back and asking, over and over again, and after Mr. gave some more thought to it, he remembered that he had his old SIM card from his old phone and that he might have something on there. He checked it, and sure enough there was. Let me pause you right here. When we were in couples counseling and as it was coming to an end, I expressed my worries about the SIM card. I had known that Mr. was doing this stuff back then, so I knew he had photos on this card. I think his phone had cracked or something like that, so thats why he got a new phone. When I asked about the SIM card, he said he had given the phone and SIM card to his sister, and that they were gone. I thought it was super weird because not long before that he said that he was hesitant to give the phone to his sister and idk what, it was weird. Anyways, back to the story. Mr. sent the photos to Bucket, and from there was the start of our downfall. Mr. got invested in it, and he got back into trading nudes and lewd photos of girls. This already sounds bad, but the worst part is that these were old photos. This SIM card went years back, and I mean years back to when he was in highschool doing this. What I am trying to get at is that he had photos of girls from highschool, meaning underage for the most part. Mr. is 22, and he was 22 at the time he got invested into this again. I didn’t even know what to think of it. I felt like throwing up, like my intestines were going to come out of my mouth and like I was going to die. I literally had a feeling of disgust and anger, not only for him lusting over other people, but the ages of the people he was lusting over. I, as well as many others, consider this child p^rn. I now had this idea that I was dating this pedophile for years, and was barely finding out. I felt like fucking dying, all those sacrifices, are for this? That was at worst as it got. Desert reached out to me to tell me about this, because Desert was Buckets ex girlfriend, and now babymomma. She had found out and let me know. However, Mr. found out she was doing this and talked to her, and convinced her that he would let me know and that it was for the better, and she let him. Desert sent me screenshots that she had found through Buckets account between him and Mr., and I can’t even begin to describe how hard my heart fell through my ass. It hurt like i just got shot in the throat. It was through her and these screenshots that I also found out that he had previously planned to hook up with one of our old friends, as well as other people. I’m not even going to go into the degrading words he had said about the fellow girlies I (used) to be friends with. It was a fucking mess when I met up with him. I told him that he was a pedophile, and it went to hell from there. I’m talking massive breakdowns, crying, yelling, you name it. I was telling him people were going to report this, hell, I told him I was going to report this. I’ll save you the hours of repetition, I didnt report shit, well, not at this moment. He also let me know that he had been buying this girls onlyfans, remember the girl I mentioned earlier, the one who I caught him hearting photos of? Yeah, he had been buying her onlyfans, and his friends and him were pitching in for it. What ended up happening was that Desert had told me and let me know that she was going to be notifying the girls that these pigs had photos of, and that it was up to them what they wanted to do. I let her know that it was fine, and that I would support whatever it was they did, meaning, if they were to make a report on them, so be it. He’s a grown man, he dug himself in this hole. What ended up coming of it all; I believe she is still notifying the girls about the photos and the pigs, because it’s still being brought up recently. I’m still with Mr., if that’s what you want to know. It hurt a lot, hearing it all, and I took some time for myself to figure out what I want to do, to figure out how to go about it, hell, to catch a breather. We didn’t spend valentines day together because of this. I was there to support him though, because he was scared that each day was going to be his last, meaning either the cops were going to get to him first or he was himself. I was there for him, I supported him, cared for him, even though I was supposed to be the one to receive that treatment. But I did it because I love him. I know it sounds stupid, especially if you consider everything. But I do love him. I’ve known this man for about 5 years, and even though he is such a fucking stupid person, I could tell this wasn’t the way he wanted things for himself. I could tell that he never wanted to be in that place, but it’s where he ended up. Mr. has been going through a rough time lately, I know how difficult things are for him. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but he’s at home all the time taking care of his very ill father. I can only imagine the lengths that something like that would take you through. I know many people suffer with many different things, and many use different outlets to release themselves of this pressure and stress. I believe because this was something that Mr. had previously been involved with, and because Bucket reached out at the time, this was the path that led him to the biggest mistake of his life. He found his comfort in these photos, this environment, these people. I know many struggle with porn addiction, drinking, sex addiction, intrusive thoughts, etc. I just think the demons caught him at the “perfect” timing. I believe he had been suffering through intrusive thoughts for a while. And with the stress and pressure from his family duties and his friends, it led to this. I know it hurt, and I never would’ve pictured ourselves in that situation, ever. But, I also knew that that person I was dealing with, was not the Mr. I knew. I knew he was somewhere in there, but I also knew that he was dealing with something greater than just stress. It was a whole mountain of ugly things. And yeah, I could’ve walked away and moved on with my life, but once you get to know somebody inside and out, and get to know and fall in love with them for every ounce of their being, I don’t believe the choice to “walk out” is there anymore. I believe at that point they become a part of you, they become family. It’s not that I didn’t have the strength or the choice to leave, because I did. It’s more that I couldn’t leave him to suffer knowing that’s what he was doing; suffering. I wanted him to get better, I didn’t want to see him behind bar cells, or even worse. I needed him to get better for himself, and for his future. I know many won’t understand, but that’s alright. As long as we understand, that’s all I needed. We stayed together, and overtime we took care of one another. We now stand in a better place, one where forgiving has been a big part of. It’s going well again. We tried going to couples counseling, but our counselor had a waitlist and pushed it all the way until the coming fall, and I mean im not going to be here so there is not going to be any couples counseling to begin with, but thats alright. We did do it for a week before she had to push us back, and in that week when I opened up to her about what had taken place, she believed it to be the extreme measures to involve cps and make a report. She made a vague report, and since I was the one to speak on it, it was as if I had made the report. However, nothing came out of it because it was not ongoing and cps didn’t think it was extreme enough to open up a case about. I think we have come to a place where were good now though. Recently, one of the explosive girls that they had photos of reached out to Ice, my very close friend, and warned her about the people she was involving herself with. She was talking about me, and how I am involved with Mr. I guess she warned her because people are starting to look at me weirdly for being his girlfriend. Ice let me know, and I told my friends that I would never put them in such a bad situation where they have to like who my partner is, and I let them know that if they felt like I was someone they no longer wanted to be associated with, then I would understand if they left. They didn’t leave. I don’t really care for people to start looking at me weirdly, because it simply isn’t like that. We know the truth, Mr., my close friends, and I, and I am okay with that. He started going to counseling again, and I have found myself at peace with the world. I understand how crazy it can all be y’know? I don’t know how I’ve come to be the person I am today, but I’m thankful for it. I know peace, I know life, and I know what love is. I strive to fill my life with these and live as comfortable of a life that I possibly can. My relationship is good, work is still being done, but it is good. I can ask for nothing more but for us to be blessed with another day of being together. 

My relationship with my father has plummeted. I had reached out to him early in the year about what was happening in my relationship, and I did find my comfort in my own dad. However, what I failed to realize was that my own father was a man who had misogynist views of his own. I forgot that he was a creep, and someone who Mr. would end up like if he didn’t try to make himself better. Along with this, I realized the absence he made in my family and the way he treated my siblings. My sister and mom have talked to him, and oh man, did my sister and I let him have it. He knows why we aren’t speaking. He constantly apologizes, says he’s been “joking” about the way he sees woman, as if joking about it for the last 20 years is even possible. It’s just gaslighting, and it’s not working. That’s why we don’t talk anymore. He can’t even realize how sick he is, and tries to save his ass from losing his daughters by calling it “joking”, which evidently makes it worse. 

I have reached out to a former professor of mine to be my mentor, and he has said yes. This man is someone I highly respect who I took for an Engl course for my basics. He’s an older man, who just recently retired from teaching. I’m just glad I can be able to remain in contact with someone who I see myself in. 

I can also finally say that I am finally moving to my dream university this coming fall. It has all been approved, and I have a dorm and all. I’m very excited, but also saddened to be leaving my family and friends. I also have to share that I have a job now! I am currently a hotel receptionist working night hours, which is where I am writing this blog at right now. I love this job, and I love the people and the hours. It’s very peaceful for a college student like myself. 

Well, I’ve finally caught you guys up. I hope it brings you a giggle to say that through writing this, I have a slight lag to my typing because of all the shit I had to say. I’ll try to write more often. I hope you guys remain safe. See you soon. 

Ended this at 06.04.2021 at 5:28 AM.

-jen

[thesanguinecrow]

How ya doin my pal, wanna aloborate on those posts ye made there? (Obviously you don't have too, but I hope those feelings pass soon/ whatever caused them is resolved)

hey there my dearanon!

In reference to these posts: 

TLDR: person who kinda led me on but i care about a lot isrefusing to accept help, other ppl are irritating, and im livid

so this summer i started talking more withthis guy who i find physically attractive that i met last school year who whenfirst laying his eyes upon me he turns and is in awe like he just saw a goddessand proceeds to give me multiple hugs. everything seemed great we had goodconversations and it got really compliment heavy and, probably not exactwording but, he said “would it be crazy to say i might like you” but nonethe less still acting as if he said he did. (quick side note: what the fuck doyou mean maybe) me being the lonely ass i am seeing a golden opportunity ofoutlet for the intense love i can and want to provide goes for it but lemmestress that maybe.

things go on and we cool we chill but then hebrings up that he did the do with his childhood friend the day he startedtalking to me and the same day he said he “might” like me (kindairrelevant but he was in Oregon at thattime and I was in Los Angeles) i tell him im hurt i thought i was special toyou and i guess i still am but whatever (low key feel like this wasmanipulative) and hes like yeah you are special and important but it all justkinda crashed and dissolved from there 

but the thing is i get, i feel, unhealthilyattached and i still got this torrent of emotion flowing through me im alsohella codependent. he has coping issues and often resorts to shitty copingmethods like empty relationships, weed, and alcohol and i dont want to see himfuck up his life like i want to help him through his issues and not spiral intoshit he can have a good life. 

one day he calls me and hes like i dont feelgood i feel like imma pass out n shit ive been telling him for the past coupledays to stop relying on those things its not healthy i tell him to eat well andstop living off energy drinks then he hangs up outta no where and i get ignoredfor like half an hour im here thinking holy crap hes passed out on the floorand then  he calls back soundin all fine an dandy. eventually we stoptalking and he actually stopped using his phone entirely still to this day so ihave no way of contact outside of school. 

school starts again and i try to start thingsup i still wanna help him i talk and ask hows he doin and he got a littlebetter he opens up about his afflictions but hes refusing to accept my help andi know i cant force him to accept it and he doesnt need to talk to me about itbut he still keeps using this shitty coping mechanisms to avoid his problemsand doesnt get help and im screaming its not like wine where itll all be fine.things like this can rot, boil, and fester creating something horrible beyond mymind to currently describe. 

one of my friends has confronted him and toldhim that he should be more careful about his actions and how they affect othersand that people (specifically mentioning me) care a lot about him to which hereplies so and so just wants you to hate me and its not that bad (but ithonestly is that bad from what hes told me and what ive seen) 

disclaimer im conflicted and kinda feel like i haveno right to have gotten so livid. today i saw him with his girlfriend, a statuscoming out of no where, and my other friend tells it was based on a bet and hehas little to no actual attraction for her and at this point idk if have rightto be mad. i dont necessarily want to be in a relationship with him right nowbut i dont want him to be using empty relationships and people as copingbecause thats a shitty thing to do and its not fixing the problem and i get solivid. 

that was part one. part two is about myadvanced fashion class but not to get so into detail about that i havent madeprogress for like a week i have so many outfits to finish and am feelinginadequate and my classmates and the teacher can sometimes be difficult. 

sorry for the hella long rant still bitter butive cooled off considerably from right when it went down. i should probablyjust let him go. i care i tried but maybe its just best i leave it. i dont havetime to have to deal with this kinda stress

i love you so much foryour concern and well blessings i wish you well precious anon

[ogoody]

My Thoughts

I took the time to write out my thoughts lately. These thoughts will be pretty raw so the grammar and structure might be all over the place. I wrote them on my phone. I’m posting these on my tumblr to live forever

What brings me to writing my thoughts out is I feel I may not be able to fully express my feelings when I actually talk. The ideas are concise in my head but in the moments of conversation on this critical topic of my life, I'm fumbling with my speech because theres so much in my head and so little room for conversation to fully convey my thoughts without getting sidetracked or lost in my own scramble. I'm not good with dates or specifics so details in this may be off by a little but the sentiments are all 100% pure to my heart. I have came to the critical realization of my life over the past approximate 5 years. It has been building with the experiences in those years. I started dating Erica march of 2010. We dated for approximately 9 months. It was my first relationship and I dealt with so many insecurities and made so many mistakes at the time. I should have never let her go, but I did not mature to understanding my behavior and wanting to fix it until it was too late. My whole life, when confronted with immense conflict, I would take on the typical fight or flight response but in the most basic ways. My fight responses where mostly when I could physically fight an issue. I took my flight responses for everything else. I had low tolerance for anything contrary to my beliefs and comfort. I was also very unforgiving of others. These are some of the aspects of my personality that had a major contribution to the biggest mistake of my life back then in leaving her. I realized this about myself fast-forwarding to after my 2nd relationship. I had a short relationship with a girl I used to go to school with. When I'm able to reflect on my relationships post Erica, they were all me trying to get over her, but I never did. My 2nd relationship was one of the more clear indicators of my poor behavior of dealing with issues back then. With my 2nd relationship, it wasn't much longer after breaking up with Erica, that I hopped into that realationship. Around the whole break up with Erica, I was very angry and I wasn't receptive to her until around beginning to date my second girlfriend because I wanted to try and make her feel the pain I felt. I remember feeling down about it the whole time but putting on a front to everyone else like I didn't care and as if I was moving on fine. I jumped into that relationship so fast, I don't even think I ever took my second girlfriend on a date before declaring we were in a relationship. I may have not even taken the girl on a date during the short relationship. I remember Erica talking to me during that time because she never gave up on me despite the verbal abuse I dished out. I cursed her out and made up the worse things I could that I knew would cut deep and hurt her. I remember detailing "love" for some other girl that I really was just infatuated with. I even detailed things with my 2nd girlfriend in hopes to make her jealous. I'm embarrassed by those actions heavily. Going off the embarrassment sentiment, another tangent detail that built my critical realization was the moment, in my opinion, that was the beginning of the end between us. I blamed Erica for everything and felt hatred towards her for everything that transpired for me to break up with her. I had absolved myself at the time despite my actions that most embarrassing night. It was the first time I blacked out from drinking and my actions were terrible. At the time I felt like I should have been forgiven because I blacked out and all the blame should be placed on another individual but when I was able to reflect and put myself in Erica's shoes, my opinion changed. She stayed with me despite the horrific event. I couldn't imagine seeing her behave the way I did and show the same level of understanding and patience as she did with me. I for one had often shown my jealous ways throughout the relationship. Here I was being the one to shake up things despite promising to never be like any of the shitty guys of her past. Had I not blackout that night, maybe I would still be with her. So up til now in this timeline of things, Erica showed me how real her feelings for me where and how much more mature she was. I was clouded by anger and it took me awhile to see. She never gave up on me despite my verbal abuse and even before that and before the breakup, she showed patience with me. I carried on about things between us like it never happened and she was still dealing with the pain I imagine. To me, I didnt do my part at the time and I was the cause for things to get shaky between us. I forgive Erica for any wrong she did during the time and it is not anything I would hold over anymore if we were to get back together. I hope she can fully forgive me as well. Over the years Erica showed me the true nature of her love for me. Through it all she remained by my side whichever way she could. I made attempts to get her back ever since the ending of my 2nd relationship but she was being loyal to her new man. I continued to lust after women in my failures to bring Erica back by my side as my girlfriend. We maintained a good friendship over the years. I used to think we could never be friends if we broke up. I was thinking purely out of jealousy that I wouldnt be able to see her with another man and still think of her favorably. I still cant stand to see her with someone else but I was proven wrong bc I have the same love for her now and much more respect and admiration for her. A small side story I missed that also showed Erica's love for me, was her dropping off a birthday card to me on my car one morning. It caught me by complete surprise. It was definitely another eye opener moment that she still cared for me despite my wrongs. The strongest moment in our history which awakened more urgency in me to get her back by my side was the loss of my brother. The day it happened I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was awakened early in the morning to frantic knocks on my bedroom door. I was always a heavy sleeper and it wasn't the first time I slept through clear commotion of police at the front door. My sister was crying saying to come downstairs she thinks something happened to Krys. As I went downstairs I see my dad distraught trying his best to keep it together while clearly not present as the officers are talking to him repeating themselves. He had a blank look over himself. I asked my sister what happened and she said he died. I collapsed to that stairs in shock and sat there for a good few minutes completely lost. I came back to when my sister and mother went upstairs to my parents room. I followed up shortly after them and when I came to them they were crying in each others arms. They turned to me and collapsed in my arms. I held them for a good few minutes still in complete shock but able to notice they felt so light in my arms. My mom lifted up to go make phonecalls and my sister followed after. I dragged myself to my room and collapsed on the bed letting the tears soak my bed. There was a cold silence in the house when my tears stopped for a brief moment. Everyone of us was laying in our beds stuck in complete silence. I rolled over and reached for my phone and without a hesitation of thought I messaged Erica. The first person I could think of to reach out to in that moment was her. She came by to visit me in the coming days and she showed love and support during that incredibly difficult time. When I came to think of that moment after things calmed down, thats when I realized even more how I needed Erica back. Here she is still by my side, doing more than necessary. She even broke down about the tragedy. I had meaningless dating experiences post this period of time and ive shared my loss with all of them. None of them showed anywhere near the level of genuine care about it. They only ever said sorry about my loss. They didn't ask a lot about it nor see how I was holding up after it. Even my other ex-girlfriend before the incident and other female infatuations didnt show anywhere near the same care about it when they came to hear about it. This woman who dated me for 9 months and dealt with me in my worst behaviors was still here for me in more ways than I could have asked for over the years. She kept showing me the love I know I'll never find anywhere outside of my family. She was also the person I felt most comfortable with because I shared the most true feelings and parts of myself to her over the years. She always got me. The urgency to try and get her back in my life kicked in for me but it was still unattainable for me over the years. Every time I tried to get her back, things would go cold after awhile. It was hard to get her to come hangout with me and conversation would fizzle out. I felt like I was being a burden and adding stress each time so I would fall-back from the pursuit. I was hopeful because there was trouble between her and her boyfriend over the years, so I thought maybe one day she would be single and date me again. I thought that it was best for me to keep reaching out from time to time so she wouldn't forget me and fully go the distance with him. I didn't want to be the cause for them breaking up, if they would so happen to break up. I wanted her to come to the decision absent of me and feel more so done with that relationship and open to giving me another try. When you have a loss so close to you, you're consumed with death. It seems like it will be forever...I hope not. Everyday when I'm thinking about my brother, I'm thinking about everyone else left here close to me and how I don't want to lose them. I don't want to be angry at people anymore either. I don't want to lose Erica and I sure don't want to lose her or leave this world myself without having rekindled our relationship and showing her how much I love her. I also fear leaving this world with she and everyone else not knowing how much I love her. Another mistake from the time we dated is she never got to meet my family or many of my friends. I was scared my parents weren't accepting of interracial dating so when I told Erica about it, she was terrified to meet them and in turn she was never introduced to them in the light she should have been. Erica only ever met my brother. I one day, when the time is right, no matter how things turn out between us, I will tell my parents this is Erica, the woman who will forever have my heart. Venturing closer to recent times in my realization for the level of my love for Erica, it brings more detail of my dealings with girlfriends and dating. My 3rd and 4th girlfriends were pressed for relationship goals. They wanted to be married so bad that they were pressing to stay with me despite our differences. Erica was the only girl I felt truly liked me for me. All three exes post Erica were extremely distraught over me leaving them. #2 & #3 were to the level of suicidal. It bothered me greatly after #3's suicide attempts, it took me awhile to get back out there to feel available to date. I felt like there was something wrong with me that was doing this to women. Its not til after more dating pursuits and the 4th girlfriend that I truly realized the problem. I was wasting everyone's time all these years. I can not love another woman. All the women I have dated were at impossible odds. I measured them all up to Erica. None of them could come close to making me feel for them like I do for Erica. They have no chance. Its the most sure impossible thing in this world to me. I tried to front about it all these years. My third ex even pointed it out to me one time and I denied it in defense. We were friends for a short while after breaking up. I was mostly friends with her out of guilt because I felt terrible about wasting her time, leading her on and driving her to suicidal actions. She was always inquiring me about my dating life and this was the period of time I just couldn't find myself open to dating. She would insist I try finding someone saying I deserved to be happy. I happened to have been on one of the periods of me feeling hopeful for Erica again and I mentioned it to her. She kind of went off on me about it. She was like no wonder we didn't work. You're still in love with her and I never stood a chance. I denied it for her sake but I knew it was true. I was in a somewhat similar rut after my recent break up. I lacked hope for dating anyone and sure nuff finding love. In this time I was just reflecting a lot. Erica messaged me one day and it clicked to me. There isnt a single person that makes my heart jump when i see their name come across my phone. My heart dropped to a place I never felt before however, when I saw a picture she sent me. She sent me a picture of herself laying on the beach. I noticed a ring on her ring finger and I felt so broken at that moment. I congratulated and said congrats on being engaged. It's easy to portray that excitement in text. But in reality I was in the worst ways possible. Much to my surprise however she wasn't engaged and I was relieved. Everything I've been feeling over the years was all coming to a head. I can't live without her. If she does end up with someone else I won't ever be right. So after all of the pain I caused these women, I finally stopped fighting myself. I cant pretend like I will find another love. It doesn't add up to me. It is simply impossible. You can throw someone viewed by a strong percentage of other people to be beautiful at me, even perceived to be the most all around individual. They can not and will not be able to have me. Erica is the one for me.