#things haven’t been BAD but I am not doing well
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Batfam Incorrect Quotes
Jason: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck.
Bruce: You either buckle down and do your work or you’ll end up at McDonalds. Robin!Dick: We're going to McDonalds if I don't do my work? Bruce: NO-
Jason: FIGHT ME, YOU NERD ASS SLUT! Bruce: At least try to sound slightly more sophisticated when you threaten someone. Jason: Oh, I'm sorry. I should ask; dost thou want to engage in a duel, my good bitch? Bruce: Somehow that's worse.
Roy: Talk dirty to me, baby~ Jason: The dishes. Roy: Wh- Jason: They’ve been there for 4 days and it’s your turn to wash them. You still haven’t cleaned them and I have asked you to do so several times.
Jason: I am working on this whole Good Guy thing, but anyone who cuts me in line at Starbucks deserves to have their kneecaps shot out, okay?
Steph: What's my sexuality?! I don't fucking know! I'm not straight, and that's all that matters. Well, maybe that's unfair to the straights. Some of my best friends are straight! Well, one of them. Well, I know them, and Bruce is a perfectly tolerable person in small doses!
Robin!Dick: H-how do you ask someone out? Bruce: Well, first- Selina: Don't ask him, he asked me out on a Gotham rooftop in the rain. Dick: ...And you said yes?
Damian: I wish I had more enemies. Talia: I’m sure you will someday, honey.
Tim: Ok so, apparently the "bad vibes" I've been feeling are actually severe psychological distress.
Tim, slamming pots and pans together to the rhythm of "Give it to me, I'm worth it": I didn't get no sleep cause a' y'all! Y'all never gonna sleep cause a' me!
Jason: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled.
Tim: I’ve made a spread sheet of all the crime in Gotham. Tim: There’s so much crime, no one should live here.
Steph: Uhh.. Damian just asked if we want to… Steph: “Fell the mighty before their time and display their carcasses in our homes?” Dick, not even looking up from his phone: He's asking if you wanna cut down Christmas Trees. I told him he had to spend more time with you guys Steph: Oh, that makes more sense.
#batfamily#tim drake#jason todd#dick grayson#stephanie brown#bruce wayne#damian wayne#talia al ghul#selina kyle#bruce x selina#jason x roy#incorrect quotes
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Title: Slippery Slope. Fandom: Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes. Rating: T. ( Cursing, Implications, Intensity) Pairing: Eventual Noa x Human!Reader.
***Notes: Sorry I haven’t updated in a hot minute everyone. Life has been kicking my butt as well as my husband’s. We had to prioritize, and then afterward I didn’t feel like writing. Not promising regular updates again, but I am consistently working on this. As always, thank you for your support and kind comments. I love you all.
Chapter 13: Not the First
You
You had gone to bed last night, stomach burning and body restless from the day that had transpired. The only comfort had been that Micheal apparently did not care about Anaya’s scent all over you the way the apes cared about his. He had snuggled in close to you as you laid there, thinking about how you would handle the balancing act between the two- no three, species moving forward. Anaya accepted Micheal, at least he stopped trying to kill him once he knew you cared about him. If Noa knew you cared about Micheal, maybe he would also leave him alone? Maybe, he could understand you caring about another animal? He cared about you, didn’t he? At least a little bit. Certainly enough to come talk to you after a fight.
That had caused you to toss and turn even more, not really knowing why Noa had shown up. Maybe he had still been angry, but seeing the situation with you and Anaya had distracted him enough to let it go temporarily. You could only imagine what you had looked like, the definition of sheer panic coming to mind. Noa had always been attentive to your feelings…he probably did push his anger to the side when he saw you were scared. You believed he did anyway, that was just the way he was. Caring, patient, and understanding to a fault.
That thought only served to remind you that the next morning you needed to face him. You needed to apologize for hitting him, maybe talk about the future between you and the clan. You were obviously putting him in a tight spot with the elders. That’s not even speaking about the rock and hard place you were placing Anaya in by having him keep your secret. The elders expected you to show yourself…you had no idea how you would manage that either. If Soona, Anaya, and Noa were there with you, then you should have no trouble feeling safe, but there was something else that made you shudder at the thought. You had this feeling you would be losing something, this small peace you found with your three ape friends. That small, fragile peace built on mutual respect and trust.
You had scoffed at that. Today was an example of how easily trust could be broken, but also re-built. In all fairness, the apes never really expected much from you. Noa even took great pains to make it clear to you that you could always say no. If they asked you to do something you didn’t want to, they wouldn’t force you…but this Caesar Council was a different animal all together. Anaya wanted you to be a part of it, which meant you would be a part of the clan…even if it was indirectly. Either way, it changed things. Anaya said Noa had created new laws, and this council was one of them. That would need to be something you discussed with Noa down the road…probably not tomorrow.
You had almost rambled yourself to sleep at that point, when your eyes had flown open wide and you realized you never decided when you would meet Noa at the rock. Anaya had simply said he would show him where it was. You had groaned and snuggled in deeper under your blanket, knowing you had an early start the next morning.
So here you were, sunbathing on your chunk of safety in the middle of the creek. You were soaking wet from your swim, making sure to scrub away Micheal’s scent as you made your way to your rock. Thankfully, you had sense enough to wear a dirty top that needed to be washed anyway, as well as your singular pair of shorts your reserved for the extreme heats of summer. This summer had not been too bad so far, but today the garment served a new purpose of keeping your modesty while you swam. You would not be caught naked in front of Noa like you had with Anaya. You knew he hadn’t seen anything of course, but you still were not going to repeat your actions and risk the possibility of Noa seeing you naked.
You rubbed at your eyes, a yawn sneaking up on you as you became more comfortable. You were sure Noa didn’t care about your body anymore than Anaya did, but it was the principle of the matter. Humans and their pride…not that you had much to begin with. Still, you clung to the slivers you did have.
You had just fully settled in, sleep creeping along the edges of your consciousness, the early morning sun warming you perfectly, when you heard the hoots of apes. You stretched, turning your head to glance to your right, but did not see hide nor hair of Noa or Anaya. This confused you at first. Did you imagine the noise? You closed your eyes again, only to have them fly open when you heard it again. This time, it was to your left…on the other side of the creek.
You froze for a moment, daring to turn your head at a snails pace to your left. The noises were clearer now. While you were sure they were chimpanzee hoots, they definitely did not sound like gorilla noises, you were still uneasy. Once your head was fully turned, you were surprised to still hear the noises, but see nothing on the other side of the creek.
You sat up slowly, hesitantly, confusion spiking as you looked left, then right once more. Nothing. You pushed yourself up onto your knees, frantically searching for the source of the sounds. You swiveled around on the dry stone, turning in a full circle as your eyes desperately scanned for something that simply wasn’t there. Were you going crazy? You swore you could hear ape noises. You stopped, closing your eyes and listening more intently.
There!
It was coming from your left, as you originally thought, but no matter how hard you looked, you could not see anyone approaching. The tree line was clear up and down stream. Still, you heard the noises, and the longer you heard them, the more pitiful they sounded. Was someone in pain? Were they hurt? What if they were calling for help? You rose into a standing position, practically on tip-toe, blocking the sun from your eyes with your hands in an attempt to see better.
Finally, you spotted the smallest of movements along the bank. It seemed it was just a baby chimpanzee, crouched down on the edge of the creek among the bushes. You felt your lips turn down into a frown, the scared looking chimp tugging at your heartstrings. How did they get here? Why were they all alone? You opened your mouth to call out to them, but immediately stopped yourself, dropping back down to plaster yourself flat against the rock.
No baby would be left alone like this.
You suddenly felt very exposed, creeping yourself back to the edge of the rock before quietly lowering your body back into the water. You stayed behind the rock, on the opposite side of the chimp, who did not seem to be aware of your presence at all. You peaked around the edge, wanting to keep an eye out, but not wanting to be seen. You couldn’t leave the baby alone, but you were still wary to approach them, lest an angry mother burst through the clearing and see you as a threat.
You waited silently, patiently. After a few more minutes of the chimp hooting and no one coming, you heard the noises change. It sounded like- were they…crying? Could apes cry? You floated there, transfixed by the tiny chimp, who curled its arms around itself and sat there sobbing. You fought the urge to reveal yourself, but in the end your heart overruled your head. The chimp was just a baby, you couldn’t leave them there alone and scared.
You carefully maneuvered around the rock, making your way towards the sobbing baby on the bank. You stopped when you felt muddy earth between your toes, water still up to your chest. You called out softly, so as not to scare them, “Do you need help? Are you lost?”
Your soft and careful voice did nothing to soothe the chimp, who jumped back from the edge and started screeching louder. You winced, muscles tensing and nerves screaming at you to swim away and leave. Something in your brain decided against that though, your hands coming up from the water to quickly sign, Friend. No hurt. Safe. Need help?
The baby went silent before you even signed the question, staring at you as if you suddenly became the most fascinating thing they had ever seen. You watched their eyes dart from your hands, to your eyes, to your body in the water, and back to your hands. You repeated the four phrases, wondering if they understood sign yet or if they were too young. Then, after another moment of intense staring, they raised their hand. It was hesitant, but they signed, Alone. Help. Afraid.
You swallowed, “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Another moment of hesitation, then a nod and a signed, Yes.
“Okay,” you took a deep breath. “I’m going to come to you. I’m going to walk up to the bank and sit with you. Alright?”
They nodded again.
You returned the nod, slowly walking up the incline until you made it to the edge. The baby did not seem to realize how big you were, head tilting back as you continued to approach. When they could no longer lean back they scrambled to their feet, crouched on all fours before backing up a few steps. You couldn’t blame them, Micheal was easily twice their size. You ran a hand through your wet hair, body slipping down into a sitting position before you crossed your legs. You didn’t want to frighten them anymore than you already had, so you sat and waited. After a moment or two the chimp made their way to you, knuckles brushing against your exposed thigh. They flinched back immediately, as if you would strike at them like a cobra. You let out a breath, trying to smile as you signed, Friend. Safe. Protect.
The furrowed brows and downturned mouth of the chimp eased into something more neutral, more curious, as they decided to climb into your lap. You fought the intense urge to lock up and stiffen your muscles in preparation for an attack. You tried instead to think of the baby as if they were Micheal. They were more open than him though, pinching and pulling at your wet clothes in fascination. That didn’t hold their attention for long though, as they poked at the meat of your upper arms. That forced a giggle out of you, watching them get closer and continue to poke the exposed flesh.
You bit your lip in concentration then, fighting off more laughter, “Do you know where your parents are?”
The chimp paused only long enough to shake their head.
You blew air out of your mouth then in a slow exhale, “Do you have a name?”
The chimp paused, making a gesture over and over that you did not understand. You shook your head, trying to explain that you did not understand. The chimp pouted, opening up their mouth suddenly in a widely comical elongated fashion. You heard a few intakes of air before they huffed and screeched, “E…E…E.”
The loud noise was shrill against your ears. You winced slightly, holding up the hand they weren’t clutching onto, “Okay, okay, easy there. Don’t strain yourself. You can’t talk yet, that’s okay. E is good enough for me.”
E nodded once, puffing their cheeks, before they continued to poke and jab at your arm. You became increasingly confused, watching them and trying to parcel out the reason. Then, they noticed the fascination in their gaze as they dragged a finger down your arm in a slow push. You saw your skin lighten in color from the pressure before darkening again, and you smiled. The color change was something they had probably never seen in an ape before. You let them play to their hearts content, so focused on them that you had lost track of your surroundings.
Then someone called your name.
You snapped your head up, finding Soona standing a few feet in front of you, an unfamiliar Eagle perched on her arm. You breathed a sigh of relief as she began to screech and hoot in delight, “You…found her.”
“Her?” You parroted.
Soona pointed to chimp in your arms, who seemed happier, but reluctant to leave your side. The Eagle on Soona’s arm was given a signal and quickly flew away as she explained, “Wandered off…have been searching…long time.”
Your brow furrowed at that, “Wandered off? Your village is far from here, how did she get this far by herself?”
Soona shook her head, trudging over towards you and practically falling down next to you. She seemed exhausted. “Not from…village…from group of…younglings…upstream.”
Soona held out a hand, which the smaller ape happily grasped a finger of. When Soona reached for her though, E gave a small shout of protest before moving to the opposite side of your body. Soona looked surprised, the young ape becoming fascinated now with your wet, matted hair. She stood on two legs, leaning against your chest for balance as she pulled and tugged at the strands. You winced slightly, but chuckled good naturedly as you locked eyes with Soona.
She broke eye contact for a moment, gaze turning towards the empty forest off to the side. Before you could ask if something was wrong, her attention was back on you, head tilting slightly as she asked, “You are…better…than yesterday?”
You shrugged a shoulder, catching E starting to braid the pieces of your hair that were almost dry. “I guess. I hope you know that I never meant to offend you, or your clan. I’m sorry if you were expecting me and I never showed. I just wasn’t…prepared to see your village.”
Soona hummed, “Noa…should have told you…should have told us…sooner…I am…sorry…that apes have not…always been kind…to you.”
E tilted her head up then, her question obvious though she could not voice it. You shook your head, “There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. It wasn’t you who was un-kind to me. You, Anaya, and Noa have been nothing but kind to me…for the most part.”
“You are…still angry…with Noa?” Soona asked carefully.
You puffed out a long breath, thinking, snickering as E did her best to mimic your noise. You pulled more hair from your back to your front, noticing she enjoyed braiding. You hoped it would keep her distracted from the conversation, “Can anyone truly stay mad at Noa?”
Soona seemed to brighten at this, but chose to remain silent as you continued, “I understand why he did what he did. I don’t like it, but I understand it. The real problem that day…well…it’s just…. I know there are barriers between our species. It’s more than just speech, and I…I mean, these problems probably have carried over from hundreds of years of differences. You three have been great, but the part that upsets me is that Noa seems to choose to ignore the fact that apes and humans don’t normally co-exist peacefully. We do, but I’ve also experienced the other end of the spectrum between our species. And Noa just…”
Soona hummed, “Think he…does not see…the differences…in you…but you cannot help…but see them…in us.”
You hesitated, but ultimately nodded in agreement. “I don’t hold being apes against you or your clan, I just…wish he understood what it feels like. To not know if you can trust the person- ape, next to you. To not know if they are going to turn on you, betray you, or even hurt you.”
E, who you assumed had been distracted by her task, stopped immediately. She looked up at you then, a soft coo leaving her as she patted your shoulder. You snorted, using a single finger to mirror her actions. She hooted in clear amusement, leaning her head into your shoulder, rubbing her face against you before sliding down into your lap. She seemed tired now, curling into your side and closing her eyes. You felt a smile slowly creep onto your face, carefully using two fingers to stroke the top of the chimp’s head. She snuggled in closer then, gripping tightly onto your shirt as tears threatened your vision and you thought your heart was actually going to explode.
Get a grip.
Your hormones must be crazy right now. At least, that’s what you told yourself, as you brushed a hand along the loose braids along your shoulder. Soona, as she tends to do, had remained quiet during this exchange. She studied you, noticing how emotional you had become, scenting the air quietly before admitting, “Noa does know…what it is like…to be betrayed.”
This surprised you, your attention quickly brought back to the present conversation. Your eyebrows rose, curiosity peaked as you asked, “By a fellow ape?”
Soona shook her head, causing confusion to drown your mind until she spoke, “By a…Echo…you are not the first…that could speak…that Noa has met.”
You felt your jaw go slack, trying to contain your excitement as you asked, “There are other humans around who can speak?”
“There was one,” Soona answered, lips pursed as she noted your disappointment. “We do not know…where she went…left five seasons ago…have not seen her since…her name was…Mae.”
You nodded, urging Soona to continue, “What happened with Mae? You said she…betrayed Noa? How?”
Soona sighed, “We do not…normally speak of her…she was a source…of much pain and…confusion for Noa…think…you should know.”
You waited, allowing Soona to collect her thoughts. “There was ape…Proximus…he was king of apes…he searched for Mae…killed other humans that…were with her…wanted to get inside…a human vault…it held great weapons…that would make Proximus…more powerful.”
A shiver ran down your spine, remembering the ape Sylva that Anaya had spoken of. He never mentioned this Proximus ape though. Wanting a better idea of the situation you asked, “Who was Sylva to Proximus?”
Soona seemed completely surprised you knew that name, but nevertheless answered, “Sylva was…his General…not sure if that is an ape word…or a human word.”
You swallowed, “It’s human…Proximus seems to have already been an advanced ape.”
Soona curled more into herself then, “He was….we all were afraid…if not for Noa…and Mae…Eagle Clan would not…be here.”
“Proximus ordered your clan to be stolen, and Sylva carried out his orders.” You connected the dots then, “What happened to Proximus?”
“Noa stopped him,” Soona answered without hesitation.
This surprised you. You were aware that Noa killed Sylva, but Proximus as well? Noa did not seem like he was violent, or capable of such great strengths. You assumed he had killed Sylva, a gorilla, by outsmarting him…but Proximus? How? Was Noa secretly more dangerous than you gave him credit for?
Soona grunted then, pulling you out of your thoughts, “Noa says…Mae hid from Proximus…in our village…Noa accidentally…lead them to us…the entire clan was taken…Noa tracked us…for many days…Mae followed…Noa did not know she could speak…until she called his name…Sylva was close…she was scared…she chose Noa as…lesser of the two apes…to fear.”
“So, she lied.” You offered, “Noa was betrayed by her traveling with him but he didn’t know she could speak, or that Proximus was hunting her.”
Soona nodded, “More than that…when Noa and Mae…were taken to Proximus…he learned she shared…the same goal…as Proximus…she wanted to…get inside…get a book…that could help humans…learn to speak…again.”
“That…” you hesitated. You wondered how much to say. A book could not bring back human’s ability to speak. You either were immune or you were not…unless there was a record of some sort. Maybe a cure…a vaccine? Had humans halfway across the world developed their salvation but been unable to share it with anyone outside the vault?
You remembered your vault constantly sending out a signal using the available satellites orbiting Earth, but they never received a response. So much had been lost to time…and if there had been a cure all along? You swallowed the bile in your throat at the thought of how many millions died over time who couldn’t even speak.
You shook your head, “That sounds incredible. Did she find what she was looking for?”
Soona nodded, “Noa helped…we helped her…but she…did not help the clan.”
You tilted your head, “What do you mean?”
Soona huffed, clearly agitated, “The reason…we do not…speak of her…she flooded Proximus’ kingdom…killed many apes…in the process…then ran away.”
“I’m sorry…” It was the only thing you could think to say as silence engulfed the both of you.
“Noa…” Soona began, attention once again towards the forest at your backs. You waited, brows raised as Soona turned back to you. “Noa was…different…after meeting Mae…is different…with you…now.”
Something about that sentence sent chills down your spine. There was many implications, and you chose to ask the most obvious of them, “Does Noa think I’ll turn out to be like Mae? That I’ll betray him? Hurt him or the clan? Is that why he’s always watching me, always careful around me?”
Soona shook her head, “Noa knows…you are not like Mae…you are…what he wished…Mae was…wants to make sure…he does not become….like Mae…to you.”
You sighed, running a hand through your hair, “I…I threw a rock at him yesterday. I made a mistake…I already hurt him. He shouldn’t think that I’m not like her…I could be. I’m human after all.”
“Human…” Soona began, hand coming to rest on your shoulder. “Does not mean bad…ape…does not mean good…Noa says…wants others to learn…we are better…stronger…good and bad…together…more alike…than either side…wants to speak of.”
Still cradling the sleeping E in your lap, you leaned your body into Soona’s, head coming to rest between her neck and her shoulder. Her hand slid from your shoulder to the back of your head, leaning in to return your half-hug as well. She patted your head a few times as you sighed, “Thank you, Soona.”
There was silence, peaceful this time. E breathed heavily in your lap from sleep, and the creek next to you trickled soothingly while the sun climbed higher in the sky. You took a deep breath, feeling more prepared to speak to Noa than you had been before. There was a distinct crack sound behind you, causing both you and Soona to turn.
You saw some leaves fall from a tree not to far back, but couldn’t make out anything more than that. You thought you saw movement for a moment, shielding your eyes with your hand once more, when Soona’s Eagle tore through the canopy and landed next to her on the ground. She stood too quickly then for your liking, looking upstream before turning back to you.
Her eyes were pleading, almost desperate as she said, “Do not…be scared…do not run.”
You were confused, until you heard the litter patter of many feet moving towards you. You leaned your body to see past Soona, body tensing and breath freezing at what you saw. Many apes, children from the looks of it, were running down stream towards the both of you. You suddenly did not want to be on the ground.
You carefully scooped E from your lap, holding her close to your chest as you practically leapt to your feet. Whether from being moved or the sudden frantic beat of your heart, E woke with a start. She began to hoot and squirm in your arms. You clutched her tighter to you, feeling your breathing become labored, taking a step or two back in fear. You didn’t get much further, Soona’s arm coming up to hold your arm.
You jerked towards her with frantic eyes. Hers were still calm, concerned as she tried to comfort you. “I am…here…trust.”
As the apes came closer, you swallowed hard, nodding a few times before taking a step closer, behind her. She hummed, screeching at the apes a few moments later. They came skidding to a stop in front of you, all of them transfixed, as if they had never seen a human before. You reasoned, that perhaps they hadn’t. You tried to take deep, discreet breaths to calm your nerves. None of them were taller than your waist, but the thought of so many surrounding you still made you nervous.
Suddenly, the biggest of the bunch stepped forward, sniffing at your feet for a moment before glancing up to meet your gaze. His held tilted in confusion as he demanded in a voice that sounded much younger than he looked, “Why does Eden…get to be carried…by the Echo?”
#kingdom of the planet of the apes#kotpota#planet of the apes#pota#noa#noa x reader#noa pota#fanfiction#noa kotpota#kotpota noa#kotpota soona#soona pota#soona#anaya pota#kotpota anaya#Slippery Slope series#noa planet of the apes#planet of the apes x reader
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Any recommendations on hurt-comfort Buddie that will make you cry? HEA please!
I started to answer this but accidentally clicked on a Tumblr link so I gotta start over 😂
I haven't read Buddie fics in a while so these are a bit older. (I'm going to catch up soon! I've just been in a phase where I'm either reading Teen Wolf fics or physical books)
Also haven't updated my bookmarks yet. Sadly a lot of great authors I'd normally recommend have turned anti-Buddie since April and I'd rather not promote them in Buddie posts if they're not safe to follow anymore as a Buddie fan.
Please check the tags of a fic before reading in case something is triggering for you!
the things that haunt me in the middle of the night by justhockey
2,4k, rated G
He gasps for breath and it feels like a reflex - like coming up for air after being sucked under. Like a desperate, manic thing.
He’s safe, he knows that. Knows he was never really in much danger anyway. But the sound of it all - the waves, the rain, the crashing and the thundering - it echoes in his head, ricochets through his bones. It lives inside of him, he guesses, even after all these years. That fear, the exhaustion, the crippling terror of finding the surface only to realise that Christopher was gone.
He rubs at his sternum, tries to breathe deeply, tries to blink away the memories of the day the water nearly took everything from him.
I let my guard down by bucksclipboard
6,5k, rated M
"It didn’t stop. Buck went from hoping the packages were from someone special to suspecting someone was toying with him. The hopeless romantic in him was slowly wilting. When he opened the latest letter, suddenly he was not so sure his secret admirer was of the good-natured kind. "
or: who needs police protection when you have eddie diaz by your side?
Cut me slack (I've watched your heart stop) by kat_atthewisco
Rated G, 5,4k
“Well, unfortunately I am calling you specifically for your role as Mr. Buckley’s power of attorney. He does need a couple of decisions made about his care that he’s not fit for at the moment. If you’re able to get here soon that would be best, I can’t tell you much over the phone.” To her credit, Deirdre does sound apologetic, and Eddie’s panic has begun to ratchet back up.
“I’ll be there as fast as I can, is he- please, how bad?” Eddie repeats.
In which Eddie gets The Call from Cedars-Sinai while he's off work thanks to a healing injury. Being Buck's emergency contact is suddenly a very real thing.
Never More To Leave Here by devirnis
Rated T, 10,2k
"Can you remind my brother that we were supposed to get lunch?” Maddie asks.
“Uh sure,” Eddie says slowly, confused. “But why don’t you just call him yourself?”
“I did, a couple times, but he didn’t answer. I assumed he was still with you?”
Eddie thinks back to last night, to Buck specifically making plans to go back to his own place so he wouldn’t be late for lunch with Maddie. Buck had texted him when he got home, just a simple night :) that still made Eddie’s heart flutter, so obviously Buck had made it back to the loft… But there haven’t been any texts from Buck all morning. Not that that is necessarily unheard of, but especially over the last few weeks it’s become rarer and rarer for even a few hours to go by without Eddie’s phone dinging with a message notification from Buck.
A small tendril of worry curls around Eddie’s ribs.
BTHB: locked up & left behind
Diagnosis: Dumbass by snarkymuch
Rated T, 2,7K
Christopher scrunched his face, then stopped rummaging through his pack to grab something from the ground—something that turned out to be his phone.
“No, nope—who do you think you’re calling?” he asked, trying to reach for it, but Christopher had already hit the button, dialing someone—whom he’d bet anything was his father.
Christopher pulled away, out of reach, phone to his ear, then a moment later saying, “Yeah, I’m okay, dad—yeah, I know—no, but he fell out of a tree—”
“He is fine, though!” Buck yelled, hoping to stop the inevitable freakout from Eddie. “Eddie, do you hear me? I’m fine!”
--or--
Buck takes Chris out for a light hike, somehow ends up falling out of a tree, and Chris patches him up while waiting for his dad to arrive.
Presumed Dead by inkonmyheartandonthepage
Rated G, 4,4K
The fresh air was supposed to have been good for Buck. A small hike that he had done a million times. A nice hike that gave him a workout and at the same time allowed him to sift through his thoughts and feelings and to focus on what he really wanted.
Instead, he’s stuck in the middle of nowhere at a rest stop watching some asshole drive away in his jeep.
OR
The 118 crew arrive a fender bender only to find it's Buck's jeep on fire and the body inside dead and burning.
The monsters turned out to be just trees by Ink_Dancer
Rated T, 8,4k
Buck and Eddie are searching for a missing person, and they're already lost in the woods when Buck gets injured and makes their situation a lot more complicated. With the sun going down, they're forced to spend the night outside, with only each other for warmth and shelter.
(set post-buck's recovery from the firetruck, but no other specific time markers. nebulously within the show's canon.)
It's what my rotting bones will sing when the rest of me is dead by heartbeatdiaz
Rated T, 12,4k
"Eddie? Eds, can you hear me?” Buck rubs his knuckles against Eddie's sternum, a little too harsh, a little too desperate. "Eddie!"
Eddie croaks out a weak, barely there, whine as Buck's knuckles do the trick and his eyes open in slits.
"Evan?" He chokes out, his voice so hoarse and raspy that it must have been hurting his throat. "You're real?" He whispers in awe, his hand twitching as his side like he wants to reach up to Buck— touch his face— but he's too weak to do that. Eddie's brow furrowed but a small smile graces his lips, barely there. "I didn't give up. I made it home to you."
or;
the one where a call goes wrong and leaves everyone thinking eddie was dead, buck finds about the will through a letter and comes to some other revelations in the process.
and in which eddie finds his way back home and finally gets to be happy with the love of his life.
BTHB Prompt: Missing and Presumed Dead
Let me go by tawaifeddiediaz
Rated T, 8,1K
For the first time since he met him, he wasn’t sure where Buck was, and it was driving him insane. His shift ended three hours later than Eddie on Tuesdays, and today, he had texted saying that he was going to pick up groceries.
After that, he hadn’t returned back home.
Kindness: What Connects Us by FandomLife54
Rated T, 9,6k
Still off balance, Buck slams his left heel onto the roof, heaving forward to catch the collar of that yellow shirt. And there’s no conscious decision making here. It’s all instinct, and he’s grateful for it. If he’d given his overzealous mind the chance to consider another way, he would have missed his shot. Instead, his arms hurl the boy into the hands of another survivor...
And his right foot misses the edge.
OR
Buck catches Chris before he rolls off the firetruck, and it's him who falls back into the retreating waters of the tsunami. Unconscious and seriously injured, he's unaware that his team has been searching for him, never giving up as the days pass.
A leaf falls on loneliness by iimpossible_things
Not rated, 11,1k
Buck doesn’t think that if he were to say, “I’m in a bad place”, that anyone would turn him away. Really, he doesn’t. The 118 has too many good, kind people for that.
But every time he wants to open his mouth, to say something, to reach out to Eddie or Bobby or Hen or Chim, he hears Eddie yelling, “you’re exhausting.”
—you’re exhausting, you’re exhausting, you’re exhausting—
So each day he does his job and he laughs and he jokes and he pretends he’s the care-free goofball he’s always been. And each day he packs away his bruises and his worries, takes them home to his empty loft with its quiet rooms, and licks his wounds in silence.
And I watched a part of myself die 'cause no amount of freedom gets you clean by himbobuckley
WARNING: rape/non-con. Rated T, 10,2K
Buck goes out drinking after a particularly tragic call and the night takes a turn for the worse when he's targeted and assaulted. Struggling in the aftermath and unsure how to handle it, Buck tries to distance himself from his friends and family, believing that with time he can simply move past it on his own. Eddie notices something is wrong with Buck and desperately tries to get through to his friend, fearing the worst.
or:
Buck goes through the fucking ringer. eddie notices something's horribly wrong. you can contact my lawyer for emotional damages.
or:
“I heard about what happened yesterday,” Eddie says softly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. And that I didn’t know. I should’ve gone out with you, or made you come over, or-”
“Eddie,” Buck interrupts. “It’s- it’s okay. I just went out drinking. It’s fine.”
“Drinking alone?”
“Yeah,” he stammers. “Yeah, alone.”
“Hey listen, why don’t you come over tonight? We can do a movie night. And… I have something to tell you.”
“I’m sorry, Eddie,” Buck murmurs, feeling the tears welling up again. “I don’t think I can tonight.”
“Hey, wait Buck-”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Blue skies by spaceprincessem
36,7k, rated T
“Most babies are born as accidents,” She says suddenly, like she’s decided that Buck has passed, that she can trust him with this.
Buck doesn’t really have an answer because that question hits way to fucking close to home. A year or so ago he would have said, yes, I was an accident, so I know how that goes, but Buck knows better now. Knows that he would almost give anything for that answer to still be yes. Evie’s finger works under the seal to rip it open, a stack of important looking papers dumping out onto the table in front of her.
“Not me,” she says without looking up as she organizes them into a neat stack, “I was engineered.”
And.
And Buck’s pretty fucking sure a giant, cataclysmic hole has ripped right open, dragging him down to the earth’s core where he vaporizes into dust.
{or Buck meets another savior baby and everything comes crashing down}
Leave The Light On (I'll Be Coming Home) by HMSLusitania
Rated M, 44,4k, fandom classic
“We’re here for our grandson,” Helena says.
“Chris is still sleeping,” Buck says.
“I meant, we’re here to take him back to Texas,” Helena clarifies.
“Yeah,” Buck says. He’s too tired, way too tired to be tactful. “Over my dead body.”
--
An accident on a call leaves Buck with custody of Chris after Eddie is... missing presumed.
While they navigate their new family circumstances -- and fight to stay together, despite Eddie's parents' best efforts -- a John Doe wakes up in a coma ward with no memory of his own life beyond the knowledge he has a son named Christopher and, somehow, he needs to get home.
Over The Age, Over Again by mintedwitcher
Rated E, 16,5k
EXCERPT:
He would’ve fallen down the cliffside if it hadn’t been for Bobby on the winch. Because that… that’s Buck’s jeep. There’s no denying it, no mistaking it. That is Buck’s jeep. Hanging almost sideways off a ledge, the driver’s side doors flung open with the force of the fall. And further down… no. No it can’t be… a man, smashed against the rocks. A massive pool of blood. But Eddie can see the familiar white sneakers against the dirt.
No Sight For Heart Eyes by znks
Rated E, 20,5k
“Buck, Karen, and Eddie stayed on the couch and talked while the kids settled on the floor to draw. It all felt so wonderfully normal that Eddie found himself forgetting that he hadn’t just closed his eyes in serenity as he leaned against Buck.
That’s what made the spell breaking so painful.
“Dad! Look! I drew the firetru- Oh, wait, it’s okay you can see it when you’re all better!” Christopher said it so cheerfully, not even hesitating before going back to swapping out pens with Denny.
But Eddie felt it like a shot to the chest.
He couldn’t see his son’s drawings.
Buck and Karen had barely paused in the conversation, but Eddie could hear how strained it became, both of them obviously knowing exactly how heartbreaking the moment had been. Buck’s arm wrapped more tightly around Eddie’s waist, chin resting on his shoulder.”
losing your sight for a week sucks but at least eddie has buck to guide him through his healing or at least through his own house
This has inspired me to go read more recent hurt/comfort Buddie fics! I haven't been super active on this account but hopefully I can update this soon :)
#911#buddie#911 on abc#buddie fanfiction#911 buddie#911 fanfiction#911 abc#buddie fanfic#evan buckley#eddie diaz#hurt/comfort#buddie fic rec#buddie fanfic rec
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@leucoratia Thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk about him even more
First off, I’m glad this solution seems to be such a hit!! I just couldn’t reconcile the character WD was becoming/had become with what we know of Gaster. So this works well!!! (Despite the questions it raises meta-wise.)
*Rubs my hands together evilly* Okay SO! WD and his relationship with Grandpa here. I haven’t completely decided on anything just yet but I do have some Ideas. Some Notions if you will.
I think there’s pressure to get into the field from family, yes. But I don’t think it was necessarily negative pressure, if that makes sense. Like, I’m not sure it was the kind of thing where they would have been disapproving or upset if he chose some other career, per se. More that they didn’t even consider the possibility that he would choose anything else. Sans is a physicist, Papyrus is an engineer/mechanic/something like that, and they’re both very smart, but WD, oh, he’s the prodigy. He’s the golden child, even for all his quirks and rarities. An anxious disposition and weirdly long tail and unusual font and cracked lip aside, he’s got so much going for him!
I think that, likely, in their efforts to ensure that he didn’t feel any different than anyone else regarding disposition and physical traits/limitations, and that he knew he was ✨special✨ because he’s so smart, his parents probably made it all worse, actually. Not acknowledging that he was, in fact, different and unusual only made him feel more invisible. Which of course made him feel bad, because he was the main focus of his family’s attention. (‘How can I be unsatisfied with when I get so much attention compared to my brothers? Am I just spoiled?’)
He felt he had no time to goof around, no time to play, because he ought to be studying and learning more. ‘Why, with a mind like that, he surely takes after his grandfather in more than just font! Perhaps he will be the next Royal Scientist!’ said everyone. Which, y’know, gets to you as a kid.
While it was only ever meant to be encouraging, the pressure to live up to that was overwhelming. It’s not just that he’s named after his grandfather, it's not just an abstract sentiment for skeletons. He’s got his font. Which, apparently, suggests some other similarities. He’s always The Serious One among his brothers because they’re always goofing off (from his POV anyway) when they should be working! How can they be so lackadaisical? The fate of all monsters rests on them helping their grandfather; how can they be so relaxed just because they aren’t on the clock? Is their pay the only thing that matters to them!? They should be endeavoring to find solutions at all times!
So. Yeah. His mindset is very much shaped by the idea that it’s his responsibility to use his abilities to help others. It’s not as simple as letting his family down. What he wants has never been a factor in the equation, and so he doesn’t linger on it. The way he exists has already dictated his life course. It’s as simple as that. It’s not out of love for others— whether his family specifically or monsterkind at large— but rather out of obligation and responsibility. He does not feel a particularly strong affection towards monsters in general. (The opposite, actually.) He has never seen the surface, and frankly, with as dangerous as humans are, he doesn’t entirely understand why or agree with the idea that getting up there would be a good thing to begin with. But breaking the barrier is the goal that’s been put in front of him, and so that’s what he works towards. Along with the supposedly more achievable goal of “helping people,” despite that being an incredibly vague and nebulous concept with no real direction.
He’s got this whole complex about what he’s supposed to be. No one is actually stopping him from being anything else, but the barriers he’s erected in his own mind feel immovable. If he has all of this ability, how could he not use it? Everyone is relying on him to be as brilliant as his grandfather and carry this mantle, but no one understands the pressure he’s under. No one understands anything! Even Papyrus, who practically never sleeps, doesn’t appreciate why he can’t just “take a break.” If he doesn’t accomplish something, he will never be free from these expectations!
I think deep down that’s why he kind of idolizes sci-fi supervillains? All the intelligence, all the means, and they use it for their own interests! They are beholden to no one, only themselves, and even the “heroes” can never stop them for good. Sometimes, the villains have better motivations than the heroes, even. I think WD’s fantasy, subconscious or not, is being able to go completely off the rails and create and do something utterly selfish. He has some bizarre resentment, I think, against people in general. Maybe it’s envy, in the sense that they lack the burden he does. Maybe it’s some kind of frustration that they’re all just standing around, twiddling their thumbs and waiting for some kind of “salvation” from either the king or from them, the scientists responsible for every other quality of life. If this solution needs to be found so desperately, why is it being left to so few people!? Why aren’t study of human magic and other magical-scientific disciplines a required field in schools? Why is there not a requirement that all who are able work on this pressing issue!?
So. He’s got this buried, probably subconscious resentment. He’s always irritated because of it. It feels like he’s the only one taking this seriously, and therefore the only one who can do anything about it. Rather than be reassured that no one is forcing this on him, his perception is that because no one else will “take it seriously” (read: “work ceaselessly”), it must fall to him. He has to. Because otherwise it will always be hanging over his head.
Now. Grandpa Gaster definitely doesn’t approve of… any of this. (In general, not the supervillain thing. WD is taking that secret to the grave.) Gaster encourages him to take breaks and not work himself so hard. Unfortunately, despite his kindness and reassurance, WD only sees that as, “Look, this is so simple for him that he doesn’t even need to exert effort! He thinks I’m far more capable than I am, he must think I’m accomplishing more than I actually am. I have to work harder so that I can reach that level and live up to this.”
Yeah.
Gaster is quite caught up in his own work, and although he cares very much for his grandsons, I don’t think he’s entirely… connected with them. He doesn’t realize what WD is putting himself through, entirely. He just sees a bright, like-minded young man with a strong work ethic and a love for helping others! Even if he’s a bit prickly and perhaps embarrassed about it. But he’ll come around! Young people are so caught up in how they’re perceived by others; surely WD will mellow as he ages.
(Spoiler: he doesn’t. Or, he doesn’t really get the chance to.)
The biggest difference between them is that Gaster is doing this because he loves people and he loves his work. All his efforts are a labor of love. For monsters, for unity, for freedom, for the universe. WD is doing this because he feels that he must. He is not especially moved by love. He doesn’t gain a sense of purpose from this, he only feels burdened.
Gaster doesn’t quite… pick up on this. I think he would love to have a warm relationship with his grandsons, and prooooobably does more with Sans and Papyrus. WD, meanwhile, has so many self-inflicted mental barriers and blocks and restrictions and obligations that he’s created this artificial distance between them. It really, really doesn’t need to be this way, but unfortunately our perception shapes our reality, and the stronger a person believes something to be a certain way— that is, the less open they are to being wrong— the stronger they shape their reality. Someone like Gaster, who is open to different interpretations and understandings and so on, is more likely to see reality for what it is— but even he’s not infallible, because he is a singular person who has his own experiences and therefore his own perception. He thinks WD is just “at that age” (whatever that means) and is simply trying to prove something or is overly worried about what other people think of him, and that it will pass with time. He doesn’t understand that WD is torturing himself over pressure that isn’t even real.
He thinks it's so wonderful that WD wants to work with him and spend time with him, and oh, he's such a bright young man, he will surely accomplish so much! He's so proud of him.
WD is... not really capable of accepting love (in the form of acceptance or pride) from others right now, because I think he feels like he has yet to earn it, maybe? He's got this impossible standard he's trying to reach,* and he's depriving himself of everything until he can get there. (Which will be never.) He's miserable and it's all self-inflicted. It doesn't even need to be this way. ((He and Seeker (the character) have this in common I think…))
He does love his family. He loves his brothers and his parents (probably?) and his grandfather and his cousin(s). He loves them way more than he'd ever admit out loud. He's exasperated that none of them seem to Get It, but he's so convinced that he's the only one who's right that there's really no telling him otherwise. He doesn’t even know what he wants, only that he doesn’t have it and can’t have it. (Except, he can, of course, if he would just freaking calm down for a second.)
The funny (or sad) thing is that if he could just get past this thing he’s got in his mind, he’d be a much happier, more fulfilled person. If he weren’t busy stressing himself out and running himself ragged (and actually making his own anxiety worse in the process), he’d be a warm, conscientious person and a loving, attentive partner. As it stands, he’s Stress Response Central and essentially is slowly cutting himself off from the people who care about him, rather than rely on them. (This potentially includes Asteri, but their relationship is a whooole different post.)
If he keeps on this path, one of two things is going to happen: he’s either going to end up killing himself (or worse) by falling into the same thing that shattered Gaster in some desperate last-ditch attempt to Fix Everything; or he’s going to crack (no pun intended) under the pressure and burn out in an absolute fireball of metaphorical explosives.
And from the outcome where he doesn’t die/end up meeting a similar fate as his grandfather, there are two outcomes.
So, he’d burn himself out gifted kid style, but like several times worse. Has a complete breakdown and it resigns him to being stuck at home/in bed recovering his mental and emotional energy. But also being extremely depressed and probably rotting a little bit. And isolating even more, honestly.
The good ending would be him slowly recovering and making peace with not being The Only One Who Can Fix Everything, and maybe not even staying in the same field of work (if he can work anymore). The good ending also involves him being on good terms with Tempus again. (But that’s an entire can of worms I’m not touching here.) If he’s anything like me, it’s gonna take a few years (minimum) of rest and recovery after pushing himself that hard. I would not be surprised if he causes some permanent damage to himself (either mentally/emotionally or physically) that renders him unable to work/do what he used to.
The bad ending is that he rots in bed and wallows in depression and mourns the fact that he “wasn’t good enough” to stand up under the weight of everything and Fix It. And he just. stays like that. Isolating himself more and more, refusing to talk even to his brothers. And also Tempus still hates him. And that’s it that’s his whole life. The rest of it is spent mourning and regretting and reliving every decision that got him here, reflecting on all the things he deprived himself of in pursuit of his goal, only to fail and end up unable to have those things now that he has all the in the world. Self-deprivation of pleasure or enjoyment or rest, and for what? To break down under the weight of it all and have none of it anyway. He should have enjoyed what he was offered when he had the chance to accept it.
Anyway, as you can see I have a lot of feelings and thoughts about him (and this isn’t even all of them). I doubt that he resents his grandfather, but I do think that with the way things end up, he feels like a disappointment to him and there’s really no way to ever be assured otherwise because Gaster’s gone by that point. But I guess that’s part of the point, really: that you’ve gotta be okay with where you are so long as you’re doing what you can (to a reasonable degree), even if it disappoints other people. I think WD needs a lot of things but honestly I don’t even know how to begin to help him. He needs to go on vacation.
On an ENTIRELY unrelated note, I may have come up with a really funny (read: “stupid”) solution to the problem mentioned in the second half of the tags on this post.
Which isn’t what I wanted to focus on. I need to work on the stuff I already have going. But. It would be funny and unfortunately sometimes that’s the most compelling thing.
I will elaborate on what this possible solution is tomorrow.
#Thanks for reading my oc rant#there’s. more. but it wasn’t relevant to this post#I mean half of this is isn’t relevant either but. I got carried away. sorry.#seeker talks#wd#🝮 gaster#🝮 universe#🝮posting#btw I also love goopster#(he isn’t quite goopy yet but. he will be.)#sweet eccentric old man….
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sigh
I got hit with a terrible depression episode earlier this month and it feels like it just
Completely destroyed my ability to be creative
I still have the ideas of what to draw, but trying to draw either leaves the canvas blank or takes way longer than I know it should. Every time I try to think creatively I have nothing. It’s like…idk like tv static or dark. It’s becoming
So incredibly frustrating
The downstairs tenants still aren’t fully out I guess. I know they had 18+ years of things to move but we were being pressured to pack and be ready for when they are. So now I’m just in that part of moving where my space no longer feels like my space because almost everything’s packed away and it’s left me stressed.
I haven’t been sleeping well at all. All of the stress has made my insomnia almost a constant issues, but i can’t take sleep aids without it triggering RLS
I want things to stop being this please
#ignore if you want I just needa#vent ig#things haven’t been BAD but I am not doing well#I’m so very tired
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would it be laughable to close a tracked tag a couple months after starting it 🤔
#primarily im sensitive and gods specialest princess and it makes me feel BAD to not get tagged LMFAO#listen. i realise it’s lame as fuckkkkk but it’s who i am :) and on the other hand there’s so much in it that i haven’t been able to keep#up in a timely manner so i feel like the people who’ve been tagging me feel like i wont rb the posts#but that’s a minor thing bc i Do get around to them eventually always so idt that’s the case#the first one is my main concern like who’s out here getting their feeling hurt over fuckass tumblr posts well. Guess Who#and like it should be fun for me mostly i think. and it’s been a little saddening at times which euhhhhh.. not the vibe
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૮꒰っ˕‹̥̥̥ ꒱ა i miss being owned
#i haven’t listen much here because genuinely it makes me feel more lonely and ive been contemplating deleting this account because i-#I haven’t posted* why did it auto to that#-started this for him and to ramble about him but now when everything happened i just feel hollow inside when i go on here#i just… miss being doted on and cared for#it’s embarrassing how much it helped me at the time. i struggle to take care of myself a lot but when i thought “owner will be happy if i-#-do this for him” about things like brushing my teeth regularly and taking good care of my skin and hair and showering etc#and honestly ever since that day i haven’t had the energy to clean my room or take care of myself#anyway. sorry I have not been doing well#reminds me I need a shower. i am also struggling with my relationship with sex again.#he helped it a lot but with my trust broken it’s now just as shaky as it once was and im also starting to see it as a form of SH again#which is very bad! very very bad#puppy barks#ftm nsft#pet pl@y#puppy sub#dumb puppy#pet pl4y#p3t play#mlm puppy#mlm kink
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okay I severely misjudged spaghetti guy he’s actually just really cool
#okay so I came to this flat and he wasn’t here. greeted by a very dirty flat with shit all over the kitchen counters over cling film#I meet first my other flatmate who told me he stays in his room constantly bc of previous bad flatmates#has literally just a saucepan and some salt in the kitchen. so I’m like okay spaghetti guy potentially not great but could just be#how this guy is yknow#on Tuesday I get an email back saying he’s coming back from Norway tonight looking forward to seeing you feel free to use the kitchen sauces#rlly friendly message that I wasn’t expecting. I also didn’t know he’d been on a trip i just knew he wasn’t there bc his door was open#(to a REALLY nice room. multiple rlly nice plants (which he has little care labels for!!!) and it’s tidy and pretty#and he’s got a sheep teddy on the bed)#meanwhile I am in my own head bc I don’t wanna cook in the kitchen until I can clean it and I can’t clean it without moving his shit and#I haven’t seen him yet to talk abt it and I can’t bring myself to talk to him immediately bc I’m dying#and embarrassed as hell by how I’ve been cooking in my room with a microwave and air fryer (loud) and sneaking my shit out of the kitchen#but then yesterday I DO talk to him!! and he’s super friendly!! actually interested in having a conversation and Good at it.#and then he’s cooking and like. spaghetti burns but I’m not there for long and seems to be a mistake (he made the same thing for lunch today#and did Not burn the spaghetti) and is otherwise clearly competent bc the food smells Good and despite leaving a few things out it’s like#washed up stuff isn’t dirty and the sides are better despite still under cling film. more a case that he’s spread out than he’s messy#and now today we talked and i offered to hold onto some shit over summer bc complicated situation that boils down to he’s flying back home#and he cant take all his stuff and had to choose between chucking stuff/having literally nothing this weekend. like sleeping on the sofa etc#and then cleans the whole flat?? which I’m assuming a good chunk is his mess? but he did not need to do that. could’ve easily left#bc there are two people still living here who would’ve had to deal with it and he doesn’t know either at all#and THEN tonight we talk abt food which is fun bc we both ordered stuff. and he offers me some honeydew melon bc he’s been gorging himself#these past two days to finish it before it goes bad/he leaves which is also really sweet#and JUST NOW. I take my headphones out after finishing dinner and hear the sweetest fucking guitar#he plays the gentlest like dreamy sounding acoustic guitar I’ve heard in my life in his room (door closed by the time I leave)#this is actually just a really cool dude#now that the kitchens clear I’m gonna cook tomorrow and will probably offer him some bc otherwise he’s gonna be eating out all weekend#he has extra takeout for tomorrow night but might want smth Sunday#regardless I am just. huh??? left a bit stunned bc of the u turn my opinion of this guy has taken. bc my opinion of him was a reflection#of my discomfort moving to this weird dirty basement flat with two people I didn’t know#well. idk where to go from here. I think I’ll start by talking to him more this weekend. bc holy fucking shit.#luke.txt
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last night was the first night in about week where I had absolutely peace so I hope it continues 💗🫶
#ladies I have been absolutely miserable this past week because my new neighbors have been causing so many problems and they have only been#here a week#it’s been so stressful to navigate and it got bad to the point where I couldn’t even be comfortable in my own home and space . I genuinely#don’t understand how you can be so inconsiderate of other people.#something else happened yesterday and my landlord ask spoke to them and I just really hope the issues don’t continue#like I was not handling any of this well at all. literally cried every day since Monday to yesterday because of the stress#and I haven’t been eating. it’s just awful when you have no where to go .#there’s another issue on my mind in regards to them and I’m trying not to make myself sick over it and just react accordingly to when I#find out more because right now it’s just the what ifs in my brain that are not facts yet#anyway I’m ready for this lease to end in the summer lol#I am appreciative of my landlord talking to them but I do not want these issues to continue :(#one day at a time!!#my job is another thing altogether skdjsjjd but literally whatever que sera que sera
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hi okay so I just got home and am v tired so sadly there will be no gojo birthday fic :((( another time to make up for it, perhaps 🫶🏼
#very very sorry#lowkey this breaks my heart I love him sm and I wanted to write smth for him so bad#will do my best to write something soon!#I know I went awol for a few weeks & I apologize greatly for that#I’d hoped for the birthday fic to be my first thing back but alas#I’ll try to be more active!!!#promise 🫶🏼#(i say all this as if anyone was hoping for me to write something lmao I know I am not that kind of writer on here don’t you worry lol)#(I haven’t gone and grown an ego since I’ve been gone hahaha)#(I’m literally such an infrequent poster that I feel like when I show up on people’s dash they’re probably like ‘who tf is this’ lol)#anyway sorry for the ramble bbs I hope you’ve all been doing super well and that your month is off to a lovely start#I’ve missed you and I am sending you all so much love <3
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it isn’t the end of the semester but i’m already having my end of the semester breakdown oh my GOD I am going to have a heart attack. sprite save me
#nothing is done!! not my applications not my interviews etc#I am running out of time to graduate in June and I could just graduate in august but then I have to admit to my family that I fucked up bad#it takes 3-6 weeks to get IRB approval I need to step on it#it’ll take at least 4 for my paid leave forms for work to go through and I don’t know if it’ll get approved#and if it does when do my benefits start#I feel like an idiot where those forms are concerned because it needs an occupation code and I don’t know if it’s specific#or if I can just select the one that best matches my job description and I can’t find that info anywhere#my body is literally shutting down I have two golf ball sized tumors and I can’t get out of bed but I can’t sleep#my car is kaputt and I have to call several different shops to get it seen because the one I took it to couldn’t fix it#and is any of it worth it!! is any of it!!#I cried for like three hours today bc I tried to talk to my mom about it and. well. she was very much a mom about it and not helpful#like yeah! obviously I want to graduate in June! but my research isn’t even approved because I haven’t been able to get myself#to complete the application for the last six months! Jesus Christ!#I can’t sleep and I’m so tired I’m so so tired my brain just straight up isn’t working!#I swear to god if I finally meet with my advisor and he does his well you don’t seem to need my help bullshit again#I’m gonna actually snap and kill him#anyway. need to do three things by end of Wednesday. just three things#clean. irb. and paid leave. that’s it that’s all.#it’s what I’ve tried to do the last four days and I’ve accomplished none of it but. Jesus Christ it’s gotta get done#FOUR THINGS I have to call the shop to get an estimate for a car I’m not even going to bother to fix#ok vent session over#delete later#fkdjdjshhaa im a MESS#sprite save me 😭#save me sprite. save me
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you are a sweetheart and you see good in almost all pairings i guess, but your soft spot is by whom? Sorry I can't contain my curiosity
asking me this after i giffed that oscar/alex interview... making me toe a line, nonsie!
that being said, you can pry lestappen from my cold dead hands. and even then good luck.
#thoughts in the tags bc i have the self control of a bunny on zoomies#its stockholm syndrome#i could be perfectly happy w/o the agenda but so many brainworms lost to the cause....#its like#im not letting them Die in Vain !#anon my beloved#xiao: asks#asks: mv1.cl16#and you're spot on i do love so many pairings!!!#compelled by fucking george/lance after reading one absolutely beautiful fic and i think abt that piece of writing Every Day#and you're so polite dear 💛#but yeah lately i just haven’t been Feeling the whole Lestappen sm outside of wifey dms#like austria put me on a High fo shaw!!#but i am Sooo easily turned off of them or diverted by like the Smallest fucking thing from any other pairing/three-way#consequence of the churning industry plant maybe ?? 🤷#but yeah Ig they will always be my first f1 rpf love 💞— WAIT NO LMAOOOO THATS CARLANDO LOLLLLLOLOLL#well my first f1 rpf love in ALLL it’s forms writing giffing eating shoes editing etc etc hehe#and i do sometimes often like other pairings more but . i see one (1) photo of them together and im 📉📉📉#down Bad#think i just convinced myself off lestappen just by waffling in the tags LMAOOOOOOOO#nawr Jk show me One gifset of them and im lost Again hehe#anyway if anyones into mctwinks or 3344 then hmu bc i will throw up w/ u . on u. by u . and they could Deffo rival lestappen in my heart#oh or apparently oscar/alex now too 😁👍
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…………..AAAAAA
#accidentally made up one reason (that won’t even be real it’s not a real thing I literally daydreamed it up) to be guilty#and now guess what!!! can’t stop being guilty#literally was so fine and now I’m having bad thoughts bc I feel guilty#bad thoughts is an understatement btw jsut don’t want to type out what they really are in case it makes them worse (has happened b4)#like ffs other people’s actions have nothing to do with me especially when I haven’t spoken to them todya!!!!! literally they’re not even#thinking about me and yet here I am feeling so guilty for NO REASON#I hate it#mine#also how funny is it that I’ve felt like shit all day and the only thing I needed to do was call my mum#felt So much better (underline underline underline) and like a huge weight was gone and I should’ve done it earlier maybe I would’ve been#able to relax properly#oh well I’ve got this evening still
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shotgunning a tube of strawberry mentos right now
#disco speaks!#if you even care#i forgot how much of a problem I have with these#THEY HAVE A GOOD CRUNCH AND A GOOD CHEW OKAY LEAVE ME ALONE#i also took both of my medications for the first time in a while (I have to make an appt before my Dr will refill it (eye roll))#and spent two or three hours on tiktok learning about marine animals so my attention span is both very short and needs to be entertained#like a toddler who is teething except the mentos are my teething rings and I’m down to three left and I show no sign of stopping#which is a bit concerning considering there has to be like 12 or 15 a pack and so it’s been less than ten minutes#since I started consuming them. can’t go outside cause it’s cold as fuck and snowy and bad water texture bleghh#and bad anxiety feeling about doing my responsibilities and actually figuring out when to go on a date with my bf#we are now down to two strawberry mentos I repeat we are down to two strawberry mentos this is not a joke#awww my dog looks so baby right now#so anyway I think that my adhd medicine is making me focus but since I immediately started focusing on something that shortens my attention#span then I am mimicking that and I haven’t eaten anything today besides candy because I don’t want to make things because textures#and temperatures UGHHH#and I don’t want to put on gaming streams like usual because then I will not do anything else#and like I want to work on my nutcracker au piece but UGHH art school has made me so used to traditional art that#now digital art feels wrong and bad textures and it’s not the same and art feels bad but I like art??? i don’t know I don’t know#i need to chaos or like general stimulation but then I get too overstimulated and overwhelmed#i might need an anxiety medication cause uhhh well fuck my dudes I have both adhd and anxiety and it’s fucking me up a bit
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:|
#Alexa I am so so sad#ugh it’s stupid I’m so sick of being sad#and everyone is sick of hearing about it wah wah sad again just like yesterday and the day before ad nauseum#ugh. well tell you all the truth I’m kinda ugly and all of my new coworkers are so fucking pretty and it makes me feel like shit every day#I don’t want to assume bad things about them cuz they seem like genuinely good people mostly but I do feel like they all look down on me#for being both ugly and bad at my job like fuck dude I really got nothing to offer here other than the fact that I fucking show up#if you know me irl please leave me some fucking dignity and don’t read this I’m already ashamed enough for having feelings in the frst plac#this is so stupid just cuz I met a coworker for the first time that I am extremely attracted to that is way out of my fuckin league#and like I haven’t been interested in A Person in ? almost 2 years cuz every time I have been in the past#in the last 4 years at least it has ended poorly with me feeling like shit like no one will ever want me#and at this point honestly I can’t help but believe that cuz it’s been a long fucking time since anyone has#is it cuz I’m ugly ? is it cuz I’m weird ? cuz I have fucking nothing to offer ?#cuz I’m desperate for affection attention someone to give a shit about me fucking anything#god I don’t know but I feel like I am really and truly at the end of my rope here and I don’t know what to do with myself#shut up satan#negativity
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#I haven’t been well#an understatement to say the least#I have isolated myself from all my friends. bitten my tongue where there are indents more apparent than tastebuds.#I work all the time and when I’m not working I drink#I miss my friends#I miss being a little kid#i wish I could disappear man#my birthday is coming up and it’s scary#I’m having a bday party but day of my bday I’m gonna spend it alone#bc I know my expectations from others would be too high and it would be a let down#so it’s best I spend the day of it doing things I wanna do on my own time and having fun and dressing cute#so that’s the plan#but idk I’m not well#like bo burnham said.#I am not. well#I think he said that idk I may be lying cuz I’m drunk lol#I want to be cared for the way I care#things have been so bad.#haven’t seen my therapist in almost a year bc I can’t afford him rn#ab me#this is mine#sick#tw
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