#theyre hurt theyre scared. they need to get out of there.
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you know arts going well when you start drawing smth completely unrelated
#can anyone tell me why manspreading is so hard to draw?#anyways small ramble#i realize i never fully drawn blythe angry or pissed off. the only one is like#his pit fighter era but that to me is like adrenaline to live than being angry? does that make sense?#one thing abt defiant pcs is that they have a unique test when defending someone from bullying#smth like bullies only understand one language#that probably translates well into blythes character#rapist molestors bullies understand one language. violence#violence to me is something you cant seperate from blythes character. it is a part or his core being#thats why of he catches someone harassing the one#specifically when hes OLDER mind you#he is more violent than he was younger. scum is scum.#he will not listen to reason he will not listen to pleas. you made your choice now you face the consequences.#even IF technically they havent touched the one even the thought is a criminal offense to him#younger hed beat them up yeah but he was more concerned about getting the one out of the situation#theyre hurt theyre scared. they need to get out of there.#older? he'll start fussing over you with blood stained knuckles#he'll smile and hold you like he didnt just beat someone to death with the same hands#the town really got to him. can you tell?#anyways uh. whats the point here?.....idk#blythe is not inherently violent but he can and will be violent if the situation calls for it.#and in rapechester?.....thats nearly everyday#after all. bad people only understand one language.#ANYWAYYYSSS the sketch isnt finished bc im cringe.#anatomy is hard...i might just skimp around it#and hey if youre reading this? hey. sup. drink some water#zeze talks#blythe the scrapper
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I think of so many stupid shenanigans between Wriothesley and his daughters in the Addison Lee verse. They tell Wriothesley crazy shit all the time, their daddy-daughter secrets, and it drives Neuvillette nuts that Wriothesley won't snitch.
Sigewinne, whispering into his ear: Today at school I punched a boy because he was being mean. I waited until it was recess, and made sure that no one was watching, and I punched him. Everyone knows he is a liar, so noooo one believed him when he cried about it. And Sigewinne is aaaalways a superstar so Mr Vautrin didn't suspect a thing !
Wriothesley, mildly concerned: Uh huh.
Sigewinne: Papa would say Sigewinne has to be nice to everyone, but, Sigewinne thinks bullies need to get punched sometimes, b'cos, b'cos otherwise, they think everyone is just gonna let them be mean
Wriothesley: Y'know what. That's fair
#They tend to play with him more than Neuvillette because he can match their energies#but Neuvillette usually is who they'd run to when they#need calmness and comfort#at night. when they're all asleep. Neuv would pin his husband down and be like. Tell me. Tell me the secrets.#and Wriothesley is like Noooooooo snitches get stitches Neuv#obviously if it's serious he'd let him know. but. if Carole comes up to him and is like daddy I secretly put a roach in Mr Vautrin's lunch#he'd be like. Did he think it was yummy?#and Carole is like aheeheeehee noooo don't be silly !! It was a prank and the roach was plastic so he can't eat it anyway#ingital#also vautrin teaches all 3 of their kids#for like. first grade#so he's basically a family friend at this point#I also have this stupid#scene in my head. the Swear Jar. I imagine like swear words in the Wriollette household is a hotly debated topic. because Daddy say it#aaaaaall the time. And Wriothesley doesn't believe in banning words. He explains it to the kids when they ask but he's like. You can be#just as hurtful. if not more. with words that are not considered 'bad'. You can still be mean without saying fuck. The point is to be nice#and daddy is nice isn't he. even if he says bad words sometimes.#but neuvillette is like No. No Bad Words. It is considered socially inappropriate for your age group. When you are older#you can decide if you want to use them. however. there are some rules in the classroom and I do not want you girls to get into trouble.#if you get into the habit of cursing like your dad. it'd be hard to keep away from them when you are in class. and bad words frighten papa#so. I ask that you ladies do not use them.#but like I don't think. they'd Punish the kids. the swear jar isn't even like. a punishment. it is a swear tax. every time you say bad word#you have to pay the swear tax. and whatever's in the jar gets taken out for ice cream or whatever to make papa feel better#[ this is how wriothesley explain it ]#and it leads to stuff like. The girls being considerate to Neuvillette firstly (he isn't actually all that bothered he's more scared#of the social repercussions for the girls. But they think he's Scared Of All Bad Words)#so they'd be like. papa cover your ears. I am going to say frightening words. FUCK YOU TIMMY. and then they pay their swear tax#and when Wriothesley curse in front of Neuvillette. the girls are like stop it. you will frighten papa. pay the swear tax NOW#we must acquire the icecream for papa. lest he gets so frightened he runs away forever. and wriothesley is like oh shit yeah that'd be bad#and theyre like DADDY. STOP IT
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fuck every other 5star prediction i need saya vs syuri in the semifinals to get footage for an olivia rodrigo obsessed amv
#o#saya going full pop punk hot topic in the wake of utami leaving her and destroying the legacy of one of the longest running factions in#stardom because she wasnt good enough or smart enough to hold it down.#DELICIOUS.#fascinated by her. failgirl of all time#need her to get fullyyyyy fully psychosexual crazy in a big match against syuri#trying to figure out why she wasnt good enough for utami to stay. why utami was never as happy with saya as she was in that angle with syur#whether or not she can taste utami off syuri's mouth if she can just get one good hit in. -_- anyway#and obviously with syuri on the warpath against hate now she'll be looking for saya's blood too#i know shes been asleep on my side in your bed and i can feel it im starin at her like i wanna get hurt. hello. can anyone hear me.#i want saya to get weirder with momo too........#utami off in another company having a queen of queens match with io shirai#and neither saya nor momo's names even get mentioned in that conversation of who was the best#i need saya and momo as shitty evil rebounds and theyre both miserable the entire time taking it out on each other pretending they wanted#this and they havent ruined their lives/careers because they were too scared to really try#soundtracked by olivia rodrigo bad idea right. obviously.#omedia#owrestling
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slams fists down on beautifully crafted oak desk
#uh started the rewatch Now .Earlier ;; THEY HURT ME SO FUCKING HBABBDNDFGPOGGr#I CRIED LIKE FOUR TIMES WHILE WATCGUB THE FUCKING PILOT#it just lays it all out so perfectly#the entire time morty was like protesting to rick and complaining but when jerry was kicking him out he defended him#I cant. theyre smiling because of eachother#god i looovoreergkt how much of the stuff rick says to morty is to impress him teach him or just scare him#like the way rick blows stuff out of proportion just cause he wants to see how morty will react hes . so obsessed with him#for tHE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE… MORTY HAS A FRIEND:&!:#and they’re so. they like speak fondly towards eachother rick is way more soft and earnest when talking to morty n morty is outwardly#impressed and fascinated with the things rick does from time to time and he trusts him#and all the emphasis on how rick sincerely only gave a shit about morty. whenever he talks to the rest of the family it’s either exaggerated#or blunt and if mortys there then hes all rick focuses on#and how it’s repeated rick Needs morty to help him . no one else not even someone more helpful and agreeable nope just morty#if it’s not morty rick doesn’t want it at all#and like even as early as the cold open for the pilot. you can see rick become impressed when morty suddenly becomes assertive once he-#actually hears the bomb and starts getting up and trying to kick rick off the drivers seat#big tough guy all of a suddenLIKE YOU CSN TELL HE DIDNT EXPRCT THAT AT ALL AND HES SURPRISED#ive been thinking a lot lately about how . one of ricks favourite qualities about morty imo is his sense of morality and refusal to just-#take stuff when it reaches a certain point. like he Loves that side of morty so much and doesn’t mind too much when it comes out because of-#something he did. yeah that part in the pilot cold open is like the first thing of that go back and look at how taken aback rick is#and i love how sheepish rick is around morty every now and then. like he so clearly tries to look cool to him and to know what he’s talking#about he needs to twist everything to be correct . all the time but also in front of morty specifically#crazyyyy crazy how he managed to find the one real morty#ohg. uitltogfo ouhkdfjrjp iuubbvv ? ledjndflfidnf#odiespeak
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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most x reader is stuff is so brat coded and i fear that that can’t be me
(not a vent btw just some personal self reflecting)
#which is why i click off those posts and write my own stuff btw!#especially with age gap tropes like i used to be a teachers pet as a kid i could never make someone mad at me on purpose#i need approval too much and being nd degradation would be too real to me#im a sensitive bitch unfortunately and that feels like its not as valid???? idk i wish i could be into what other people are strong enough#- to be into#absolutely no hate to people who are brats/into those kinks it just makes me feel bad about myself lmao#like my daddy issues are so bad i cant handle any meanness#need to be babied in a sickening sweet way like how you would treat an ugly stray cat#like they scratch your arms to get away bc theyre scared but ur like ‘awwww its okay <3’#soft doms who respond to you pushing them away by cooing and lovingly forcing you to stay put my beloveds#also not into having their anger being taken out on me like we can talk about it but if you try to physically hurt me abt it ill kill you#it justs gives me flashbacks personally#like im guarded and i dont trust people but once someone gets past that im such a weirdo devoted bottom
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like i think to fish theyre just both people who shouldve died a long time ago and now they arent allowed to. because they need each other. and they both crave that and resent it.
#they WANT to be so important to him that he would fall apart without then AND they resent that they cant fall apart without hurting him#they were having a perfectly decent apathetic slide into eternal misery and then he had to go and ruin it with love. whatever.#like they want to be this essential part of his life because they loooove having that power over him they really really do#and theyre mean about it too. but like. they dont like that it goes both ways#they dont like being looked after or cared about because they get too used to it and they feel themselves falling in love w him again and#they run away. and eventually they come back or he comes back to them. and they tell themselves its just transactional like#they have something he needs and he has something they want#animal sir chloe style#but just like that its like. its NOT that. they need him so fucking bad and they feel better when hes around even when they hate his ass#and espeically after they start 'working' for jr with him its like. they really really love him so bad and they hate it.#these stupid assholes making them feel alive again. making them feel FEEELINGS. liek a PERSON. eugh#and i think they hate how scared they get when something happens to roadhog. theyre supposed to know better than that basically#they feel like needing him is vulnerable because it opens the door for him to hurt them again which is why they so enjoy being the one in#control + being the one who leaves#and the one who lashes out and ect ect. but they cant help themself and they hate hirself for it. so like. well the only solution is that#you shouldve killed yourself two decades ago so i couldve wasted away mad at you like i was supposed to and wed be done with it.#fishs got a case of wanting to die in such a way where they wont take any active steps to get there#but they resent being alive and they resent every minute of pain they endure by being alive. hence the very sex booze violence lifestyle#but the frustrating thing about him is that they. most of the time. like being alive with him. so they have to endure more#more pain and heartache and frustration. and they dont want to but they cant do anything else. they cant even leave again at this point#anyways. my fishy#🐟#they have every disease
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okay like the thing is. if i was going to write actual real marie fic with plot and consequences and everything. even in the hypothetical fic with lucifer being released from his rewritten character back to factory settings (s5) he’s still like. he’s not a good person. it’s important to me that if this was a real fic and not just me shitposting, that lucifer does not magically become a good person this way. or a good parent. in fact, he’s probably worse because he now has empirical evidence to back up that God will, when convenient, erase who he is, make him worse, make it so that there’s never any choice but for him to get worse. And who’s to say it isn’t still happening. who’s to say lucifer is “back to normal” because nephilim baby interference and not because God thought it would be more interesting to see him spiral down from a higher place rather than fall over already at rock bottom.
#he’s paranoid he’s possessive he’s a bitch he has daddy issues he doesn’t even know what (human) children eat#there’s a part of him that loves jack & marie so much it’s actually a dangerous terrifying thing and then another part of him that’s scared#of that love itself. for what it means he could do to them. for what it means they can do to him. the power they hold by existing and being#his babies. and then even another part that. not hates or resents but. he looks at them and thinks. did i choose this? i love you. i dont#know if i wanted you. i dont know if you’re just what my father used me to make for the next chapter. but i love you.#like yes there is the version of marie twin au where everything is Fine and theyre happy and everything gets wrapped up neatly#but realistically. that is not how the story actually goes. lucifer is not so easy to wrangle as that.#and neither are tfw for that matter. just because lucifer looks like a better parent to the twins on the surface (doesn’t threaten to murder#them daily) doesn’t mean he’s actually. good. at not hurting them in different ways. i mean. his example is god. he’s trying to surpass#someone that he can’t even. like even at his most rebellious. god is still on a pedestal and its everything around him that sucked shit. but#he still had to know what he was doing. and so lucifer is trying to surpass someone he hasn’t yet figured out how to look at without. well.#making him into a god. a perfect one or a cruel one.#at some point lucifer is going to realize he needs to be a father. not a god. is what i think im saying. but that takes time.#marieposting
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i have so many feelings and i hate it
#and regrets of any time ive acted up or feel like in hindsight it wasnt cherishing the time i have w them as i shld be and#and things i want to do with them still and ways to love them and be loved and understand their way of loving and#i think we can be so good together and. i miss them. and i hope they miss me.#i really hope theyll miss me soon and want me again and . ik its maybe a little messed up but i want to believe and trust and#its hard and it hurts but. i really feel theres a great connection and if i need to chill out a bit and remember myself more thats fine#and on me for getting so like. moody recently. altho i kinda feel like part of that is med changes but u__u still i need to be able to like#be better and i think they make me better and so happy and. im so comfortable with them and i love them and i wld want to make it work#even if it had to be distance but i dont think i want to just be their friend like maybe but it would hurt a lot bc i love them so much#and i hope they wanna be with me too still and will allow me to romance them yknow flowers and adventures and love and take care and... yea#and maybe some of this was just them going thru a lot rn and im sorry for adding pressure to it and i want to be the comfortable respite an#auurgrgghfhdhdhhfhfdhh i miss them#i just keep thinking abt them like ill have periods of not but then i do again and. idk.#theres also a lot of complicated feelings and thoughts and its like i want to like. idk. know some of their friends n stuff n. :^( idk#i dont feel well from the stress and emotions and ow of it all#i really hope it isnt just a way for them to let me down i really hope they come back eventually like i wanna believe they will but#ourgsghthfhdhfhghghdhdhwkelftk4bfbhwiwjtjejAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#i love them a lot. and need to listen more abt more alone time stuff bc it is good for both of us but not like this u_u#ok sorry for rambling i needed somewhere to write feelings so here we are#i guess part of me is hoping theyre thinking abt me at least a bit and maybe will check this and see it and be like wow i do miss them too#but ik thats silly and eitth3u2ieigjtb4jirifjwji24jgntn aahhhhhhhhhhh. i say a lot of things wrong esp when scared or overly emotional and.#urgevshehrhtjrjeitjtnjeeitjtjwjeiigvjiw9384847rhfbwjoe4j4n4j289djrnrnf#i just really really hope they come back soonish and like want me and are like yes i do want you sorry for that but not a huge sorry bc#like i understand where theyre coming from and. and. yeah. idk. soon doesnt have to be today or tomorrow but maybe a week or 2 idk#i just realy miss them and it hurts and i really dont want them with someone else or to just throw it all away andni want to prove i can#like. idk. love them and be better and more positive i guess we've both been dealing w a lot of stuff and i do need to learn to accept and#more patient w how we communicate differently and we do have to face that but its a difficult topic to confront ig and aurh4hwhshhrlffff#i think they love me i want to trust and i really hope they dont try to make any decisions for me or like based on what they think best 4 m#bc i get to decide that :^(#when i said let down i meant like. leave my life and never talk to me again and stuff.. ;^(. idk how to feel abt some things but. idk. idk.#theres so many feelings and that all is just a pretty vague tip of the iceberg ugh
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#watching ig reels at 2am is bad because why did someguy just convince me that i need to throw out half my clothes#because theyre all toxic and poisoning me and it doesnt matter where i bought them bc theyre all bad and we're all going to die#this is why i need a therapist#i have the anxiety meds but they wont work yet for a few weeks#like i get being concerned and critical but jfc on online platforms panic spreads like wildfire and its the real problem to our health that#we're always stressed and terrified of everything#at least for me because i was raised by orthorexic people#its fine i just wish it wouldnt put ppl into existential and financial panic#like yea sure let me just get rid of all the stuff i ever bought online and then im healthy !!! thanks so much i cant it !!!#just had to strip myself of modern life and now it cant hurt me anymore!!#anyway i will be moving out into the woods who wants to go fish for microplastic salmon with me!!#u cant blame the individual ppl for the narrative youve created build on some evidence that some products contain toxic chemicals#like its true but blowing this up and scaring ppl is not helping ur cause#or at least i dont think so#maybe i need to watch wad again#sage posting
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woke up feeling ruffff but took my meds and went back to bed for a while n I feel a bit better
#only slept 4 hrs yesterday so was rly hoping to get a solid nights sleep today bc i probably won't tonight....#but i didnt sigh. but my options are either to plough thru w today and make myself do this even tho i dont rly feel like it#or cancel plans and stay in and mope which will inevitably turn into self harm so rly the latter is a non option lmao#its all okay ill get into the swing of things n have a good time once im thereee#and i always knew i was gonna feel a bit like this like its an open wound for me i just need to be careful not to touch it#bc how i feel isnt based in reality its just insecurity n vulnerability n ik it can take months to fully recover from a previous episode#and part of the recovery process needs to involve facing potentially triggering situations instead of avoiding them#bc otherwise ill get increasingly worse bc its not possible to always avoid and ill be defenceless again when it does happen again etc#like its part of rebuilding my sense of self n confidence n hopefully i can eventually start to trust other ppl again n lower my guard#bc it sucks being contorted into this defensive pose all the time and i would like to allow myself to feel genuine connection w others !!#and to stop instinctively flinching and waiting for the hit im tired of my mind telling me ppl r lying + trying to hurt me when theyre not#im being a bit dramatic like i am doing a LOT better than i was a few weeks ago. n i def can handle this one#and the risk of triggering myself is much much lower anyway in this specific situation. so long as theyre not hiding shit from me again#i can think of several ways that risk could skyrocket n unexpectedly spiral out of my control n it makes it hard to breathe just imagining#but i need to believe that it wont. so if-no WHEN it doesnt then next time ill have proof that i can navigate it n i wont feel so anxious#it makes me laugh how stupid this is from an outside perspective. my brain causes me so much weird n 100% unnecessary distress#but its the only brain ive got n will always have so i need to work with it!!#anyway all that aside i genuinely am rly looking forward to this afternoon!! ive rly wanted to start doing more nice things for myself#n the fact it coincides w missing smth that could incite my rsd is kind of for the best even if it is making me anxious#i cant let my life revolve around anticipating how ppl might upset me n basing my decisions off minimising that damage#n while it would be nice to have company.. well ik its just as fun going alone bc ive done it before! n i need a reminder of that#ah im gonna turn myself in circles if i think much more. i dont need to justify anything#i hope they have a nice time and i hope i have a nice time and i hope that eventually someday we can have a nice time together instead#of separately. and i hope that someday ill feel included and wanted by other ppl and wont be posting on tumblr every time this happens LOL#this comes across like im saying i need to learn how to enjoy my own company or whatever but i prommy i already do..#what i actually need to learn is how to trust n enjoy the company of ppl i care abt without constantly being scared theyll hurt me....#but thats not happening today cuz i got other plans woooo OKAYY im gonna stop ruminating and get some chores done sjdkfh#.vent#<- well not rly a vent bc its not like im channelling feelings here im just rambling bc i have a lot on my mind. but still#this is prolly incoherent i keep putting my phone down and doing other things and then adding another thought LOL
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I'm afraid and scared and terrified
#i . doubt my mother would give her plants away...#i dont want her to get rid of all of them!!! just the ones that are toxic to the cats...#but i doubt she'll do it#and i get scared. bc one of them nibbles on whatever plant theres around when shes hungry#and it scares me that she'll do it while im out. or asleep...#like. im so broken so paranoid so damaged so traumatized from this kinda shit that they cant do anything without me panicking#thinking that actually theyre sick and dying and that itll be my fault if i just wait and see if theres actually something wrong#delete#like. im so tired. im tired of being so scared#earlier today i already freaked out bc i couldnt find one of them#but then i did. hes ok#idk!!!! im so scared all the time its either my dad or one of the cats and I'm constantly on edge and feeling anxious and my body hurts#and thats exhausting!!! and i cant even mention this to anyone in my house without them calling me neurotic and dramatic or whatever tf#and like its so infuriating that theyll just go “you need to calm down” like im a child or something and not realize im crazy and messed up#and its partly their fault
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#yknow i dont think he realises what he's doing to himself#keeps going on about how he's depressed and anxious all the time but the very moment something makes him uncomfortable he just leaves#drops people without even trying to fix things#and instead of thinking “hey maybe thats making me feel worse” he just wallows in his own self pity#i dont think he realises what it does to other people too#ive spoken with mutual friends - theyre scared like i was#and apparently being scared is enough to make him uncomfortable and not want to *bother* with me anymore#but i swear to fuck if he hurts them im making him fucking apologise#he hasnt blocked my accounts only unfollowed them and ive kept distance out of respect for the inital block but if he fucking hurts them???#too fucking bad#i'll let him know how severely he's fucked up#the thing is i TRIED to cheer him up#tried to bring him a little happiness#only for him to shove me away and claim that its weird to try#as if decent friends arent supposed to do that#my only regret was that i tired being gentle with him to the end even as he spoke to me like it was all my fault#needs to get his head out his own ass
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note to self for next time : No boots No tights No dress
#1. my feet are sore. 2. My thighs hurt bc my dress was short so my thigh with the tights was directly on the seat so the tights rubbed#against my thighs also i was cold 3. Was scared rhe entire time my entire vagina and ass was out also i was.cold also rhe tights situation#sadddd.bc the dress with a shirt under it with tights and boots is like the only outfit i know i look cute in..#but alas i think that dress is to short that was rhe majority of my problems#well have 2 umm. idk if ill be able 2 go next week due to money skull. i have enough 2 get a lyft there and back but who knows. Also if i#need to get a lyft 2 work i am So incredibly fucked lol. i only have 38 dollars and theyre usually 40...#lets just all pray that marian is better on monday... shell prolly text and lmk tmrw but if she doesnt ill text her around 6ish tmrw to#check in#and if she Isnt better. well. war is hell DKFNFKFNJF. i mightttt be able to ask one of my roommates but id rly#rly prefer not to. i think they hate me again basically all three of them#i meant do ask one of them how she gets his alcohol but im scared now so j wont sad. it prolly wasnt a good idea 2 mix weed and alcohol#anyway.. + i dont have money 4 it anymore LOL.#the library prooooobably wont be required next week bc If i am a very very good boy my schoolwork will be all done by then.#and rhen the saturday AFTER next i can go fuckin nuts... bc ill have a bunch of money saved up + it can be my special reward 4 finishing#school. a little graduation party...
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Cant be normal anymore whenever i see kiryu i wanna do to him what those people did to the cop lady in silent hill 2
#Yakuza loveblog#that scene actually flipped a switch in my brain when i was a kid like watching her gasping and in so much pain and then getting her face#melted off made me go 🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶 and i couldnt stop thinking about it after that#need to tie kiryu to a big pole and then lower him over a bonfire and he can struggle as much as he likes his only reward for breaking free#from his ropes is to burn faster ... we need a yakuza themed goretober i have been rereading my old madcom gt stuff because im starting to#become crazy again. you know when its so hot its hard to breathe ... also relistening to tma gonna catch all the desolation episodes#wanna lower kiryu into a vat of acid where hes tied only by his hands and as hes dropped he makes an attempt to lift himself .. curling up#to get his feet away from it want him so bad i want to watch him try his best to climb nothing but a free swinging rope and his entire body#is tensed up because hes straining that hard i wish to see his veins bulging out under his skin because hes flexing himself to the brim#trying to save himself from a grisly fate. i want to put him in a horror house and he bangs on the walls and throws chairs at the windows#because he wants to get outside but he cant and he keeps getting chased by things he cant touch but they can hurt him and scare him so bad#want him to literally shake from fear and he grimaces and shows all his teeth monke style literally need to watch him struggle like someone#in scream want him to wrestle with his back on the floor and someone elses sweat dripping into his eyes. i hate being real i wish i were in#yakuza i want kiryu to have a dream about me killing him and when he wakes up he jerks off and cums and then just stares at the ceiling#panting. want him to be confused and guilty about his feelings i want him to be a little scared of his dark thoughts but theyre the only#thing that can get him off so he always comes back to it i want my guys a little fucked up its fine ... i like them like that#im layering concrete blocks on kiryu until his knees buckle and he gets crushed into a splatter under all of them ... want him to become#trapped under a fallen building and his leg is broken and stuck and he cant break free and he just has to lie there in pain until rescue#comes i want him to get stuck in a cave diving expedition and he gets lost and hes in this cramped pocket of air and he needs to dive to get#out but he cant find the exit and its pitch black and he has no light source so he just has to keep surfacing in complete darkness with only#his own gasping and panicked breathing echoing in his ears he needs to get more and more frantic as he runs his hands over the jagged cave#walls trying and failing to find his entry point and every time his head breaches the water he feels like the air pocket is getting smaller#want him to get stuck headfirst in a narrow shaft and whenever he moves even a little bit he can feel gravity dragging him downwards every#time he even breathes out he starts to slip down milimeter by milimeter and he cant go backwards#hm ... this is getting a bit abstract. sorry
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smth i think ppl who werent raised christian need to understand is that a) fear of death will make you do things you wouldnt otherwise do and b) being raised christian fundamentally kneecaps your ability to process death. most christians are the way that they are because if the bible isnt true, if god isnt real, then neither is heaven. if there is no heaven, then all their loved ones who have died arent actually waiting for them, there is no place theyll get to spend forever with the people they love now, there is no eternal reward for being good, there is no guarantee of any afterlife whatsoever. and as science progresses and christianity becomes harder and harder to maintain, as various claims in the bible get disproven and we learn more about how life actually came to be, that possibility that Death Might Actually Be Something They Have To Fear After All gets stronger, and so that protection of the idea must get stronger too. the bits of the bible that are too hard to defend have to be removed or papered over or talked around, the rules that dont make sense have to be explained or maintained without question, the people who dont believe must be agents of satan sent to damn their soul to hell. the way they learned to cope with death is to say it didnt happen, not really, not in a way that mattered, theyre still out there somewhere, youll see them again someday. and with that came a promise that their death wouldnt be permanent either. it all has to be true, that heart has to be maintained, because otherwise. otherwise, this is it, and we dont know what happens next. otherwise, death becomes scary again. otherwise, death is no longer the loading screen before your eternal reward. otherwise, they have to think about what might come next, how their actions affect others here and now, fully grieve the people theyve lost, grieve the eternal life of happiness and love they were promised from birth. and that is. hard. and while obviously none of this excuses the way they treat people, i do think that like. keeping that in mind during interactions with them, being aware of how high the stakes are for them, can very much effect the way you approach those conversations.
at the heart of every horrible christian with bigoted views and worse actions is a scared little kid who doesnt know where you go when you die, because the answer they were given when they first asked is turning out to be full of holes. and while you may not be able to work with the adult in front of you here and now, maybe you can at least find that little kid for a moment. maybe you can sit down with them and say yeah bud, that is pretty scary, isnt it? it's scary not knowing what's gonna happen to you. it's scary learning something you thought was true might not be. maybe you can tell the kid that theyre allowed to be scared, that being scared doesnt have to mean hurting others. and maybe the kid wont listen, maybe youll have wasted your time, who knows. but maybe not. and even if you did, youll have learned something about how to find that kid in others, so was it really a waste?
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