#they've been talking about the hiatus more lately.

[hum--hallelujah]

the Rammys of Takeover (wouldn't you rather be a widow than a divorcee?) -> Run Dry (one more shot then I'm quitting forever) -> I've Got All This Ringing (tell the boys where to find my body) -> Wilson (I'm gonna run away and never see any of you again) is making me feel achy inside though.

[exhuastedpigeon]

Buddie Hiatus Fic Rec - Month 7Nov 16 - Dec 15

0-5k

share this hour of make-believe by fleetinghearts / @shitouttabuck Gen | 1.2k quarantine finds eddie sharing a bed with a pillow-thief and sleep-talker. he minds less than he thinks.

In my defence I was left unsupervised by Spotsandsocks / @spotsandsocks Mature | 1.3k Buck gets bored and decides on a new look, he may have doubts about the end result but Eddie’s having thoughts, interesting thoughts.

moth to a flame by brewrosemilk / @gayhoediaz Teen | 1.7k Eddie’s kiss is so gentle that Buck aches.

coax the cold right out of me by oklahoma / @sunshinediaz Teen | 2.6k “You know,” Eddie begins, running his fingers through Buck’s damp, frizzy curls, “when I booked this cabin for the weekend, I had plans for us to fuck real nasty by the fire.”

I’ll be anybody but me by justhockey Not rated | 3.4k Just one single moment, and his house of cards almost came tumbling down. Buck shouldn’t be surprised though, he’s never been much of a magician; no matter how hard he tries, he’s never been able to make himself disappear.

The spaces in between by sparkles_stars Teen | 4.4k Buck and Eddie get curiously domestic, pine a little, and ultimately - with sweetness and light - get together.

5k-10k

in the rough draft, [s]he loved you by iinryer / @iinryerGeneral audiences | 5.3k during the flight home to LA, eddie tries to write down some things he wants to say to buck

reachin for me (makin love to someone else) by inbetweenthestacks / @organizedstardustExplicit | 8.3k Buck says Eddie’s name while having sex with Natalia.

I wanna spend my forever like that by wikiangela / @wikiangelaGeneral Audience | 8.6k Eddie catches a cold and stubbornly denies he's sick, while a fondly exasperated Buck is trying to take care of him.

Friends Don't by chronicallystendan Teen | 8.7k Eddie and Buck have always been closer than most best friends and it's never bothered them, but lately they've been starting to wonder if there might be more than just friendship between them.

10k-20k

Claxons and Silver Bells by catwalksalone Teen | 10.5k Eddie dies. Only someone, somewhere is willing to give him a second chance. All he has to do is figure out where he went wrong the first time around.

Don't Listen When I Scream by devirnis / @devirnis Mature | 10.9k The man shoves Buck into the chair. Picking a hunting knife up from the tray, he points it at Eddie. “If you fight back or try to escape, I will slit his throat before you can even blink. Understand?”

Why Not Take All of Me? by Daisies_and_Briars / @cal-daisies-and-briars Mature | 13.2k When a small disaster strikes the morning of Maddie and Chimney's wedding, Buck, Hen, and Chim find themselves unwittingly caught up in an emergency across town, while Maddie and Eddie get stuck in an elevator.

it hurts to hope for more by 42hrb Mature | 15.6k Buck wants to be a dad, it takes a couple break-ups and a major non-romantic heartbreak for him to figure out that maybe he already is.

30k +

you still make sense to me by farfromthstars / @buckactuallys Mature | 31.1k eddie is ready for a new relationship – but why does it never feel right? buck has a lot to work through, and doing that comes with a few realizations.

and here, too, am i by Daisies_and_Briars / @cal-daisies-and-briars Teen | 41.1k Six months into their marriage, Eddie is still struggling to decide whether or not he wants more kids, when he knows Buck does. The universe may not scream, but it certainly talks.

Both Blade and Branch by Daisies_and_Briars / @cal-daisies-and-briars Mature | 62.8k The chances of being struck by lightning twice are incredibly minute, but Buck still manages to pull it off. During a double date with Marisol and Natalia, nonetheless. Eddie manages to resuscitate him, but as Buck recovers from yet another trauma, Eddie can’t help but notice there’s something very different about him. He’s not quite sure what version of Buck he got back.

Month 1 (May 15 - June 15) Month 2 (June 16 - July 15) Month 3 (July 16 - August 15) Month 4 (August 16 - September 15) Month 5 (September 16 - October 15) Month 6 (October 16 - November 15)

[trillscienceofficer]

from Cinefantastique Vol 30 #9-10, November 1998

ROXANN DAWSON: The actress who plays fiery Klingon half-breed engineer Torres on coping with the mommy track.

By Anna L. Kaplan

The fiery B’Elanna Torres, played by Roxann Dawson, found herself in a serious, adult relationship with Tom Paris (Robert Duncan McNeill) during VOYAGER'S fourth season. Their earlier friendship was heading in this direction during the third season, but finally blossomed into something else this year. As an additional challenge for the actress, Dawson had to play increasingly steamy scenes with McNeill while going through her first pregnancy. The writers opted to hide the pregnancy, with the exception of a special two part episode called “The Killing Game.” For the most part, Dawson found herself under a newly invented engineering smock, or behind a console, or shot in closeup. “Mostly I get knocked out in the first 10 minutes of the episode, and recover somewhere near the ending after all the action sequences have been shot,” she said. “That’s how we’re working around it.”

Dawson spoke about these challenges in November of 1997, having finished more than half of the season, and not knowing what would happen later. She was seven months pregnant at the time. She said, ‘I'm feeling great. I’ve had a good pregnancy so far. It’s only recently that I’ve been slowed down a bit.” She added some wishful thinking, saying, “If I’m late, which I probably will be, it will almost coincide with our hiatus, which is just a grand coincidence, and that would be great. Hopefully, they could at least get my presence in the last few episodes, if only just a little bit. So if everything goes well I won’t miss any episodes.”

Dawson enthused, “I love the scripts they’ve been coming up with. I love our new cast addition. I think it’s adding a little spice to all of the characters as we deal with Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan). I’m just really impressed with the scripts. I think that they've been very strong this year and I like what they’re doing with my character.”

The episode “Day of Honor” brought Paris and B’Elanna together, while they were waiting to die, floating in space. It proved a difficult show to do. For one thing, the actors were shot against bluescrcen, visual effects to be added later. “I liked it a lot,” said Dawson. “It was all special effects. We also had to go in later on and loop every single line of that. Plus they needed to edit quite a bit because of the budget. It’s very expensive to do so many scenes in front of a bluescreen. I felt that it lost some of its bite because of these things. It’s tough enough doing emotionally revealing scenes, but to have the elements so working against you, I definitely felt that it was flawed.”

She continued, “There was more dialogue (originally). When I went in to loop it I had to rethink the way I was going to say things. Having to make those adjustments in post are never desirable, because they can never match what you may have done in actual production. They’re compromises that have to be made, especially when you’re working in a sci-fi series, but you hate it to have to happen on intimate moments. Perhaps for people who didn’t know what was missing, it wasn’t a big deal. But I sense it, and I know where I felt the beats should have been. I wasn’t completely satisfied with ‘Day of Honor.’”

In “Scientific Method” the romance progressed, but while the crew was under the control of alien experimenters. Tom and B’Elanna became passionate at some inappropriate times, leading to at least a little speculation about who was really in control. Noted Dawson, “When we were about to shoot it, I told Robbie that I felt that what we were doing was the real Tom and B'Elanna, but it’s sort of like after you've had a couple of drinks at a bar. The aliens supplied the liquor, and so it made [us] a little bit less sophisticated than we should have been. Basically everything was very real. We were just alien-tipsy, I guess. We talked a long time when we got those scenes, wondering, now is this really what we would do? Would we really risk this sort of thing when we have our own cabins? I thought, maybe if you had just a little bit of this alien liquor, that it would make you take that step you just normally wouldn’t. That probably fueled the fire, but the fire was definitely there.”

Some of the scenes advancing the Paris/Torres relationship were added on. "We’re all confused right now," said Dawson. “For example, we’re shooting additional scenes and reshoots for four episodes, so it’s hard to keep track of what’s going into which episode when they add these extra scenes. We’ve been coming up short on a lot of scripts recently, and I don’t know why. It’s causing us to have to take a day and actually add more material to a lot of the shows.

“What I have been missing in their relationship is what really makes them tick as people together. We’ve seen the passion, and we’ve had some superficial discussions, and we understand the attraction. I haven’t seen a lot of the real close friendship. Maybe in the first season in the episode ‘Faces’ where there was some discussion of our past and our parents. We just shot a really nice scene where you just see these two friends dealing with some very difficult situations. I love that they’re starting to explore that now in the writing.”

“Random Thoughts” focused on a telepathic society where violent thoughts are considered crimes. Torres is convicted of violent thought and sentenced to have her memory engrams purged. “One of the things I love about B’Elanna is that she is flawed,” said Dawson. “She’s got this temper. As much as she has become a better person since the beginning of the series, she still screws up, not that this is a complete screw up. It's very human to think negative things, but she definitely goes overboard in her images. It’s interesting, this whole discussion of thought police and what we are allowed to think and not think, and the kind of trouble that you could get in. It’s actually kind of contemporary.”

What exactly does B'Elanna think about to get into trouble? Dawson recalled, “It’s actually pretty minor. It’s innocuous. It’s somebody bumping into me at a market place, but because I have a temper my first instinct is to lash out until I realize that’s an irrational thought. But the thought is out there already. Because these people are very sensitive to these thoughts, that becomes a crime. It’s very tricky. I think it brings up a lot of interesting issues.”

Like many of the actors, Dawson believes that VOYAGER has often resolved conflict too quickly. She was happy to bring something back of the Maquis, when Chakotay (Robert Beltran) gets a message from the Alpha Quadrant in “Hunters.” Noted Dawson, “There was a really interesting scene with Robert Beltran when he reveals information to me about the Maquis. I have to spend the rest of the show trying to deal with this information. I love that they’re bringing that up again. It’s one of the things that I feel was dropped too early. I would love them to deal with it some more. There is some encrypted Starfieet message that still hasn't been decoded by the end of the episode. I would love it if they made a choice that Starfieet comes down hard in saying that, ‘Maybe all the Maquis should be thrown in the brig until we can get you home.’ I think it would be interesting to see how Janeway (Kate Mulgrew) deals with that, and what kind of upset it might cause among the crew. It’s an opportunity I'd hate for them to miss.”

In fact, the message was decoded with some complications in the season’s last show. “Hope and Fear.” Beltran wished the writers had used Dawson's idea, saying “That would have been very interesting, but it doesn’t say that.” Starfleet tells them they cannot help the Voyager.

On the show’s lack of conflict, Dawson noted, “I think they wanted us all to get along pretty quickly. I think the great thing about this year is that some of the friction is coming back. I think that we need that. I think that that’s perfectly human, it’s right, and it's dramatic, and it makes the show much more interesting. It’s so much more interesting for us to fight, and to figure out how to get along, rather than just getting along.”

Dawson talked about her work, saying, “I know that they’re really starting to phase me down quite a bit. I’m spending a lot more time in sickbay. We’re in a series of episodes where we’re dealing with an alien race that is in a five-episode arc. They are called ‘Hunters’ in that they like to go after their prey and torture them to death. This is what their entire existence is about.”

Dawson got into more of the action during both parts of “The Killing Game” in which the hunting Hirogen used the holodecks on Voyager to experience World War II. Dawson plays Bridgette, a member of the French resistance who has gotten pregnant by one of the Nazis and uses that to her advantage. “We’re being experimented on,” she said. “They get some information from our data banks, and decide to try to create a war among us by re-creating World War II. They allow me to be pregnant in that episode, which is a lot of fun, not to have to cover it up.”

Dawson commented on the current TREK women, saying with a laugh, “I think that we’ve changed a lot, and I think it’s terrific. I think we've done it in a really special way. I think that these characters that we have are very unique. If you go from Dax (Terry Farrell) to Kira (Nana Visitor) to B'Elanna to Kate's character, to Jeri’s character, I think that they haven’t just done this stereotypical woman-with-balls kind of thing. They’ve really made them individuals, and also still women, which is great. I think that it’s showing a certain amount of maturity on the part of the writers and the audience in terms of accepting us.”

In addition to acting, Dawson also writes, and at the time of this interview she was anxiously awaiting the publication of her first novel. She explained, “I’m working on a trilogy of sci-fi novels that Simon and Schuster commissioned me to do with another writer. We’ve completed the first book. We are waiting for its release. We're done with it. I’m very proud of it. And we've outlined the second book. The trilogy is 'The Tenebrea Trilogy’ and the first book is ‘Entering Tenebrea.’”

She continued, “I wrote a play which was produced at the University of Minnesota, and also workshopped at Circle Repertory. It was my first full-length play. I’ve had a couple of one acts produced as well. But I’ve never written in novel form, so this was really great. The writer that I’m working with, Daniel Graham, is wonderful. He’s got a scientific mind and knowledge. We work very well together. We sort of balance each other out. We completed [the book] probably five months ago, and it’s literally been sitting here waiting for them to bring it out. We’re just waiting for it to go.”

Dawson was also awaiting the arrival of her daughter. Emma Rose Dawson was born early, instead of late, on January 16, 1998, just after Dawson shot “Vis A Vis” and one scene of “The Omega Directive.” She missed only a few episodes, but returned well in time for the finale, as she had hoped. □

[genericpuff]

I WANNA TALK ABOUT THE FUCKING EISNERS-

i've been finding lately that there are so many topics i still wanna talk about concerning LO and its development and they just don't happen because i get distracted or busy and my brain is like "ok we're just gonna pretend we've already talked about it even though we haven't" JFKDLSAJFDASKLFJSLKA

Let's talk about the Eisners and LO's recent 'win'.

I've already briefly mentioned in previous posts that LO has had a lot of its awards and accolades bought for it. This is especially true for both the NYT Bestseller label (seriously, none of those labels are ever earned, it's not some top 100 list that you compete on, it goes to whoever is willing to pay for it or whoever an editorial column wants to highlight) and, of course, the Eisner Award, which is not exactly an award judged by the industry's finest (the judges this year were made up of largely comic book shop owners and librarians).

But we're not here to talk about that. I wanna talk about what happened after LO won its second Eisner.

First off, the fact that it can be nominated at all when it doesn't even really fit the criteria for their submissions is sketchy at best:

see: "new, professionally produced long-form original comics work posted online in 2022." LO is not 'new'. Sure, it has new episodes, but I don't think that really follows the spirit of what they meant by 'new'. The Eisner doesn't seem like an award that should be granted to the same series twice, is my point, and that's one of the many complaints brought up in the absolute dressing down that LO got in its announcement post on the Webtoons Official IG page.

Of course, you can see for yourself right here.

But for the sake of fun, let's share some of the excerpts here.

(and yes I'm sharing a LOT of these because frankly I don't trust WT to not delete them in an attempt to hide all the shit that's being thrown at their precious "baby")

While names have been censored to protect the users involve, I will say one thing - this isn't some attempt from antiLO/ULO members to brigade the series' win, there are other comic creators in this discussion as well from the Canvas section who aren't pleased with seeing LO win another Eisner when there are multiple new series from this past year alone which deserve more attention than they're getting. Again, see for yourself if you click on the link above, the vast majority of comments on this post are expressing their disappointment and you can tell from how they've been sitting at the top while all the positive comments are being 'pushed' to the bottom - the like counts say it all.

All of this, paired with the fact that LO didn't win a SINGLE user-voted award during the Webtoonies, goes to show that the Webtoons audience is over LO. They're done with it. It's not relevant anymore, the only ones who still keep up with it are the stans and those holding on in the hopes that the story gets around to resolving the SA plotline and gets its TV show (which I've also mentioned has a real possibility of not happening, at least not now when it would count the most LMAO)

It still gets more likes than any other series on the platform (for now) but you can tell during its current hiatus that when LO is out of sight, it's out of people's minds - despite many of these episodes now being weeks old, their like counts aren't going up, no new readers are being pulled in. And the fact that a series with over 6 million subscribers can barely scratch 100k likes nowadays is... really something.

And that's on its free to read episodes, it's FP episodes - where views count the most because it's where LO makes its money and initial views - aren't even a fraction of what the free episodes often take well over a week to gain at this point.

Episode 252:

And the midseason finale, 253:

Compare it to Down to Earth which gets 70k likes on average on its free episodes (though its current new FP is sitting at the 1k mark), is LO still bringing in higher numbers than other series? Yes. But it's clearly falling to a point where it's going to be on par with every other comic on the platform in no time. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like after it comes back from this poorly-timed hiatus, when all of its official fan groups have also been shuttered preventing people from staying in touch within their own fandom.

Awards like the Webtoonies are, while largely just for street cred, still audience-based, and I really hope the fact that the people have spoken not once, but twice through their engagement with the platform - both through the comment section on LO's Eisner win and the votes in favor of other series in the Webtoonies - will be a major wake-up call to WT that they can't keep trying the same things over and over again expecting different results. They can't keep stuffing money into LO as if advertising or awards are the reason LO isn't pulling in the numbers it used to. They can't keep pretending that LO still has the merit and credibility that it once had 5 years ago.

It's like that comparison from Super Eyepatch Wolf talking about why you shouldn't take advice on how to be "successful" from Youtubers who got famous 5+ years ago:

"Say you decide you want to become a carpenter, and particularly, how to build a nice chair. Think about the kind of person you'd want to learn that skill from. Would it be from someone who has built nice chairs every day for 20 years? Or would it be the guy who built one nice chair five years ago out of a special kind of wood that doesn't exist anymore, who has no experience with the kind of wood available to you now?"

LO is a byproduct of a version of Webtoons that no longer exists. It was fortunate enough to join the Canvas section when the Canvas section was still only lightly populated, before WT started trying to sell the idea that anyone could become "rich" on their platform (an idea largely perpetuated by creators LIKE RACHEL who only became big because WT threw all of their money at them), before Greek myth comics became commonplace (again, something that's a consequence of Rachel/Lore Olympus) and before the romance genre became largely filled with problematic "dark" romances (again, see Lore Olympus).

Do you see the pattern of what I'm talking about here? A lot of what Webtoons became known for was a byproduct of Lore Olympus and series like it, because those series did phenomenally well, due to being in the right place at the right time, so WT went "hey, cool, this makes us lots of money! Let's do more of that!" Obviously this isn't to say that Lore Olympus is the root of all evil here OR that it didn't have its own merit back in the day, but if you make a series that blows every other series out of the water in stats, it's only natural for a company to want to pursue more series and story tropes like it in the hopes that it'll replicate exactly what comics like LO did, completely misunderstanding why LO did well in the first place. At the time, LO's art was unique for the platform, and it was tackling a story that was extremely popular on platforms like Tumblr so it naturally gained a crowd.

But that was five years ago. Since then, the WT audience climate has changed dramatically, as it always does every few years; and LO and WT haven't kept up. We went through a phase of BL, isekai, and now WT seems to be in an odd limbo because it's still clinging to a series from three whole lifetimes ago, especially now with so many of its other signature series either finally ending (True Beauty) or walking away from the platform entirely (Let's Play).

At this point, Lore Olympus is a chair that was nice five years ago, but has since started to fall apart - its paint is chipping, and its legs don't stand up so well anymore - and WT is still trying to sell it you as the exact same chair - with cheap new paint and a few bits and bobs attached to try and convince you that the chair is new - but it's long past its prime. This isn't to say that the chair itself doesn't deserve to exist, just that it shouldn't be given so much proprietary advertising and attention when there are so many other works on the platform that deserve to be uplifted and seen.

LO was good for its era, it was successful for a reason, but we're halfway through 2023 and it's painfully obvious that the comic and the platform's audience is ready to move on to new territories. Webtoons just needs to learn to let go.

[dyemelikeasunset]

would you be able to include flag country names for the dom&mor characters lineup? ty!

(i love how diverse all your art and characters are, i wish i could read thru all about your ocs and stories like browsing through a wiki in an autism way)

THANK YOU!! In fact I can do you one better and write little blurbs for everyone! Including our leading ladies too of course Under the readmore:

Mor's side

Morgan: Jamaican American Lesbian. Mor's parents came from Jamaica but she was born in the US, where she grew up with her mom in Boston before moving to NYC. Mor went to university for a BA in Graphic Design and met most of her friends there. She works from home these days. Mor doesn't really realize she's the resident Pretty Girl in her group of friends (she has bad self esteem)

Lexi: American Nonbinary Lesbian. Lex met Mor in high school when they both played on the softball team, and they both came out to each other. They've been able to stay friends all these years cause their tastes in girls are wildly different. Lexi belongs to a different group as the rest of Mor's friends since they didn't go to the same college, but they're Mor's very annoying ride-or-die

Panos: Greek Ethiopian and Bisexual. Panos met Mor through their shared degree and has been a mentor and big brother figure for her since. They help onboard her to a lot of projects, and the two of them rely on each other professionally. He never really stops talking about his wife and daughter-- it's the price everyone has to pay, since he's so reliable and understanding and helping everyone all the time

Ryan: (Sansei) Japanese American and Gay. Out of Mor's art friends, Ryan is the one who's most practical about his job. Instead, he puts his energy into being a menace in his dating life. He loves to gossip about his and Mor's very messy love lives and is convinced Morgan is just as much of a heartbreaker as he is behind her innocent facade. She has unfortunately told Ryan all her dirty laundry so he teases her relentlessly every chance he gets

Barjis: Malay Trans and Bisexual. Barjis came to the US with their boyfriend to pursue their degree and also start their transition. They have a surprisingly cute illustration style and work with Panos and Mor often. They love to talk animated movies with Morgan, and it's one of the few things that gets them to talk a lot. Very skittish and tired all the time, and has a bit of a fear of "normies"

Elsa: Norwegian Lesbian. Elsa is Mor's unwitting rival in love because they always crush on the same girls (Ryan loves to tease her about this). Elsa is currently losing (Mor: 7, Elsa: 2) but she's not bitter, just single and sad. She's currently working in web journalism even though she wants to publish her novel. Friendly and considerate, but awkward

Dom's side

Dominique: Korean/Chinese and Asexual. Dom was born in Beijing but grew up in Seoul with her mother. She started working as a model at 16 and moved to the US alone when she was 18. She's currently coming back into the modeling world after a 2 year hiatus. She's charming and good at socializing, but she doesn't really know how to make friends, which frustrates model coworkers who want to be closer to her

Farid: Afghan French and Gay. Farid became a model in his late father's footsteps, so he's often accused of being a nepo model. He's fussy and annoyed easily, but he can never refuse helping people. One of Dom's only real friends, he's a bit like a little brother to her and relies on her a lot. He has a bad habit of dating married men and acting like it doesn't matter to him (it matters. A lot.)

Maithili: Indian Canadian and Pansexual. Maithili is breezy and easy-going, but behind her dreamy facade is a very level-headed personality. She works with Dom often for body diversity shoots, but she'd really like to do more high fashion. Very flirtatious, calls Dom and Farid her "work boyfriends" all the time

Wynter: British Trans woman. Wynter started modeling a little later than her peers. She was scouted after a big transition point, so modeling has brought her a lot of euphoria. She's one of the more mature personalities in Dom's life, and looks after her and the other models a lot. She lives with her boyfriend and is hoping he'll propose soon

Evita: Argentine American and Bisexual. Evita started as a social media influencer and has been able to make her way to the runway as a petite model. Despite their nonchalant persona, they work very hard and are very passionate about their job. Her current romance hangup is how oblivious Dominique is, and she knows she needs to move on

Inessa: Russian (and no fruity business). Inessa met Dom backstage at a Fashion Week while having a breakdown that Dom helped her through, so she's been attached like an inprinted duckling ever since. The type of straight girl who is obsessed with pretty women in a platonic way, so she really wants to get to know more about Dom's cute new girlfriend

[dykephan]

please elaborate on the period of time when they didn’t leave their rooms and didn’t talk to each other 👀

okay okay let me be clear this is 100% speculation and i'm perfectly fine with being wrong or people disagreeing with me because i'm here for the sillies and i don't usually like to get into real "theories" but this takes up space in my brain for some reason. anyway that's my long disclaimer let's get into it :D

first we need a timeline for this to make sense. dan officially moved in with phil in manchester in august of 2011. this is when their public personas slowly started to become more polished and less personal. dan had just dropped out of law school, so youtube was his full time career now. they started diversifying their income with things like the super amazing project, their first merch line, and the fantastic foursome (which was created because they partnered with vyou, the livestream service). on christmas of 2011, they had their very first guest appearance on bbc radio 1.

all this is to say, things were moving FAST for them as they went into 2012. they were both trying to figure out how they wanted to be perceived online and, in particular, how they wanted to approach joint content. i will never know what was going on behind the scenes, but i think their personal relationship took a hit because they never had time to enjoy living together before it was tainted. moving in with your partner can already make or break you, but add hundreds of thousands of brand new eyes watching you during this transitional period, and there had to be some tension.

while they were pursuing all these new career options, they were also trying to secure a job with the bbc. they've said before that they moved to london on a whim, basically just to prove that they were serious about their career and would do whatever it takes to get there. that happened in june of 2012. in my opinion, THIS is the turning point. because now they really had to drive home the point that they were just friends who live together out of convenience. they even had separate bedrooms with unique but opposite themes!

dan started his "customer service" blog where he would go on long long rants about shipping and his sexuality. and then in late 2012, the v/day video dropped again. it had already been quietly floating around, but now there were SO many more people out there to see it. i'm sure i don't have to tell you how detrimental this was (especially the timing of it), so i won't dwell on it. but these are the real dark ages that come to mind immediately when you think of 2012. that christmas eve, they posted their last video for the super amazing project. the ending of this series stands out to me because it was almost the same formula as the 2018 hiatus -- they didn't officially close the door on it, they just let it fade away. on christmas, they had their second special on bbc radio 1. and in january of 2013, they finally started their own recurring show.

OKAY SO HERE'S MY THEORY, SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG LMAO

i think that sometime in late 2012, they separated/broke up/took a break, something like that. however, they had just moved to london (a huge risk) and were already planning on doing the radio show together. they knew neither of them could've gotten hired by themselves, because it was their dynamic & their collective fans that were so interesting to the bbc. their lives had already become so intertwined (hell, dan wouldn't have even started youtube if it weren't for phil convincing him to take the leap), and on top of that, i think they always cared about each other deeply and didn't want to give up. but i do think they needed space and time to cope with all these huge huge life events that were coming at them so quickly.

this is not even mentioning their mental health which i don't really want to get into, except that years later dan would talk about how his depression was completely untreated. and if there's anything we know about him, it's that he gets defensive and isolates himself in times of turmoil. (btw i'm not trying to pick on dan here, it's just that we know far less about phil's inner workings)

so in early 2013 when dan would say things like "i only talk to phil in videos/at work, we don't hang out otherwise", i think there's some kernel of truth in there. it didn't last long, but i do believe there was a time where they kept to themselves and gave each other room to breathe as much as they could while living together and working together 24/7. but once they found their footing with the radio show and youtube at the same time, the vibe between them steadily got better and better. they settled into their respective brands, which could be restricting at times, but at least it allowed them some separation between work and life. and by the time they wrapped up the radio show in early 2015, they knew where they wanted to go with their careers and they were solid enough in each other to accomplish that.

basically, i think the big difference between 2012 and 2018 are the private dynamic between dan and phil. things were rocky between them in 2012 and it showed. but in 2018 and onwards, things might have been rocky on the professional front, but it was clear that dan and phil as people were working things out together, quite literally building for the future ;-; they learned how to prioritize themselves after many years of not doing that

[secretlywritingstories]

SUBSCRIBE FOR COMFORT CONTENT | phan one shot

Summary:

Phil casually created an idea how to bring back the gaming channel, Dan stayed up too late writing a skit and now they've got to go pick up Dil's head. To rise again, you must first acknowledge that you died.

Tags: 2023!phan, domestic fluff, introspective Dan, the gaming channel LIVES! (essentially just me in my feels)

No warning apply

Read on AO3 or below

They had to do it. It was necessary. The end of an era.

In many ways leaving 2018 behind had meant closing a lot of Dan and Phil boxes. The Interactive Introverts tour finished up, gaming channel went on hiatus and Phil is not on fire was celebrated for the tenth and final time. They needed to create some distance from the "Dan and Phil" that were joined and the hip.

Well, online.

In real life, it was quite a different story. They still liked to live in each other’s pockets most of the time. It was a familiar habit that none of them were keen to break. In fact, they had only grown closer and stronger in the years that had passed.

They had come out, they had built their forever home, they were laying down the foundations for the future that they would have together. More than four years had gone by quickly and one thing from their past was still caught in limbo.

It was about time they did something about it.

“Are you ready?” Phil asked, looking over at Dan when as the car pulled up to the storage unit facility.

He was smiling, practically bouncing in his seat, and Dan’s heart squeezed so tenderly. Phil had been ready for this for longer than him. Dan had been the one that needed to pull the plug on the channel back in the day, and Phil had respected it, but he’d insisted on calling it a hiatus. So that they could eventually bring it back.

It hadn’t taken much for Dan to agree, even though he wasn’t sure what the future would bring. He didn’t like closing doors behind him, and the gaming channel had been something quite special. It had been a lot of work and taken a lot of their time and energy, but it had been worth it.

It was something fun that they did together, and that their community could enjoy and rejoice in it. He really hoped the excitement would still be there. He had faith in them but it was still scary.

“I’m ready,” Dan said with a nod, even as his breath felt caught in his throat.

Phil’s hand found his, low and out of sight of the driver, and he didn’t let go until they were climbing out of the car. They always found ways to gravitate towards each other, exist in the same space for the simple comfort of being near your person, but it was only in the last few years that holding hands publicly had been a thing.

They were still being subtle about it, but they did it now. Reach out and gasp, for a brief or a long moment. Before it had felt too gay, like it was going to out them, if anyone saw it.

Things were different now.

It was a bit of a walk down narrow hallways to get to their own storage unit. Dan hadn’t actually been here since they moved everything into it, and he was suddenly hit the with urge to turn tail and run.

It was a ridiculous thought. He should not be running away from his past. It wasn’t scary. Not exactly, but every token and letter in that storage unit held a little part of their history. They were bridging eras now bringing something from the past into the future.

Dan’s feet felt heavy but before he could get too lost in existential dread, Phil was grabbing his hand again and physically pulling him forward. It made Dan snort, but he let himself get pulled along easily. Sometimes, it was good to have Phil just act when Dan became immobilised like this.

The whole announcement had been Phil’s idea too. He’d clearly just been spitballing and messing around with some ideas for fun. It hadn’t been the first time that he’d talked about how they could bring the gaming channel back from hiatus, but it was the first time that Dan hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it.

It had haunted him for a couple of days until he was up late and writing an actual script for the skit that Phil had suggested. It was short and sweet, meant to be funny but also pull on your heartstrings just a little.

He had never quite mastered how to be a funny guy without some sentimentality.

Rather than telling Phil that he’d written the script, he’d just sent it to him on email. It was a cop out, but it was truly easier to just get his thoughts onto the page and then release them without needing to look into anyone’s eyes.

Though Phil had come charging in, midday the following day, with eyes shining so brightly. He didn’t even need to say anything, just stand there and look with his mouth open, phone in hand, presumably open on the email. Dan had nodded.

Yeah, it was time. The doomed hiatus should come to an end.

Still, it felt hard to unlock their unit and be met with so many of their old memorabilia that they hadn’t wanted to get rid of. They hadn’t wanted their new home overrun with all Dan and Phil stuff from their online careers, so it had felt like a good middle way to rent this place. To have it be somewhere safe and not too far away but not just hiding in the basement.

Or the closet.

They really didn’t want to be shoving anything back into that. It had taken years for Dan to fully crawl his way out and he was never going to let anyone put any part of him back into it again.

It thankfully wasn’t difficult to find Dil’s head. The papier-mâché monstrosity was hauntingly big. On more than on occasion, it had jumpscared Dan back when it had lived on top of their closet in the old gaming channel room.

“Come here, old fellow,” Phil said, pushing through boxes uncoordinated, with only his eyes set on his prize.

Dan followed, reaching out a hand to steady Phil’s hip as he went up on his toes to try to wiggle the head down with just his fingertips. When they’d tossed it on top of the selves, Dan hadn’t considered when they needed to get it down. It had been too hard to think about.

Phil got his fingers under the edge and pulled it down with a war cry and then leaned back too fast. He was balancing the head in his hand, and while it wasn’t heavy, it was quite big and awkward to hold onto.

“Fuck, Phil,” Dan cursed under his breath, as too much of Phil’s weight was suddenly falling into him. He tightened his hold on Phil’s hip and moved his other hand to grab his arm, just narrowly managing not to send the two of them falling into the boxes to their left.

“Oops,” Phil said innocently, and turned around to Dan with a big smile. “But look, I got it! Dil Howlter in all of his glory!”

It really was remarkable how well the head had held up after all of these years and all of the travelling that it had endured. It had been through the ringer, but it was still looking good.

Dan reached out towards Dil’s cheek, feeling the old paint under his fingertips. He touched it with softness, almost feeling an urge to whisper an apology to the obnoxious big head. It was stupid. Obviously, Dil Howlter had been alive and well in their old computer all of this time. He was a string of code and he couldn’t care less that Dan and Phil had abandoned playing with him and the little family that had grown around him.

But he knew there were others that had waited. It was no joke that him and Phil still got questions whether Dab and Evan ever would get the wedding they deserved. Their community hadn’t forgotten, and while they could always rewatch the old videos, this was the chance to show them something new.

To give into that urge to exist together on camera again, getting lost in games side by side, like they had done before.

“You hold him,” Phil said, practically showing Dil’s head into Dan’s chest. Phil acted like it was on a whim and turned around to look at another box, but Dan knew well enough that Phil had seen right through him. Seen that Dan just needed a moment to take it all in.

They were doing this. Peej, Sophie and Sean had all said yes. The church was rented. The make-up artist and sound guy booked. They were shooting it next week. No expense was spared. It was going to be a fun little video, but it was also an important one. All props except one had been collected.

Dan was holding the last piece.

He looked down into Dil’s soulless eyes, and it felt like something unfurled in his chest. It started slow and spread out, and suddenly, he was smiling. So widely that his face almost hurt. His body felt like it was buzzing and he kind of wanted to jump up and down as an outlet to this sudden surge of energy.

This was real. They were doing this. They were bringing it back.

“There you are,” Phil said, and suddenly, he was right back in Dan’s space, pulling the head from his hand, so he could get right up in Dan's space.

Phil’s hands touched his cheeks, with the same softness that Dan had reached out to touch Dil. Phil held onto him and made their eyes meet. Dan’s excitement kept bubbling in his chest, growing wildly when he could watch the giddiness in Phil’s eyes again. It had never left. He’d always had a much easier time with stuff like this, and yet, he was right there waiting for Dan to catch up.

He was always doing that. Letting Dan pump the breaks on things without a single complaint.

“Sorry, I took so long,” Dan said, his smile growing even wider. It felt like he was shaking, or maybe he was just buzzing. It was hard to tell. The emotions felt so big in his chest that he wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself.

No longer would this be the end of an era. It would be the beginning of a new one. He’d even gotten Phil on board with full-on swearing in the skit. It was going to be so good.

“We’re right on time,” Phil said, face moving close enough that his lips almost brushed against Dan’s as he spoke. “Always perfectly on time, Dan.”

Phil was much more of a man of action but he knew how Dan felt about words. He had gotten quite good at putting his affections into the shape where it would reach Dan the easiest. It was only on special occasions that Phil broke his own instincts to meet Dan’s. Moments like this.

Dan leaned forward, just enough to catch Phil’s lips against his. A familiar quick press against each other. He let out a shaky exhale as he pulled back, and flickered his eyes up to look at Phil again.

It was going to be a goddamn pleasure to be able to sit down next to him and goof off on camera while they had fun playing video games. He’d missed it, and it like he hadn’t quite realised how deeply until it was back within his grasp.

“Let’s go resurrect this bitch,” Dan said, leaning over to grab Dil’s head again.

[earlgreytea68]

I know there's been talk lately about songs Pete and Patrick have done beyond FOB, and it made me remember reading a post a while ago, pointing out the lyric parallel between Patrick's song Explode ("Clap if you got a ticket to the end of the world"), and Hold Me Like A Grudge ("And I guess I'm getting older 'cause I'm less p****d when I can't get onto the guest list to the end of the world").

I don't know if Pete meant to make that connection or not, but if he did, the implications are a lot! There's this whole (albeit small) part of Patrick's life that Pete missed out on, and that must have really stung, until time and reflection showed him that maybe the hiatus helped them ultimately become stronger as friends, in the long run...

Okay, you don't know this, but the Ask I got before this one, that I'm about to answer next, was specifically about the lines in Soul Punk where you can hear Pete coming out in Patrick's lyrics. And I love that this Ask is noting that it totally goes both ways, that Pete definitely listened to Soul Punk and turns of phrase he liked got kind of tucked away in his head, like, "That was a good one," and he brought it out. He's a scholar of Patrick's past work in the same way Patrick is a scholar of his. <3

But also I love to think that, over the past twenty years, they've just started to sound more and more like each other, like, both of them sound like the other, it totally goes both ways, they've drifted closer.

I'm so fascinated by the Pete Wentz who I know listened to Soul Punk when it dropped but felt so disconnected from all this music Patrick wrote that had lyrics that weren't Pete's words, like, what the hell went on in his head, it must have messed with it severely and also must have felt like such a point of no return for them, to be confronted with that.

And then they were both like, nah, we miss each other, let's not do that again.

[system-of-a-feather]

Are you still accepting asks about late stage DID recovery? I (host of a DID system in more early to mid stage recovery) have some questions about it, if you're comfortable answering (some of them might be too personal and I understand that).

What is communication like when you're Fei? Like, can you still feel and talk to yourselves as distinct? For example say one of you gets anxious about something, can you pinpoint "this is who is feeling anxious" and talk to them to reassure them, or does it feel like ALL of you are anxious and it's just everybody's feeling all at once, and talking to them feels like self-talk?

Do any of you (especially those who have tended to be more different from the rest of the system) feel like you've lost any of yourself and the things that make you you, when you're fused?

Especially regarding #1, do you know how your experience compares to people who say they've reached final fusion? Like other than it being temporary, is there anything that makes it distinct? And same question for functional multiplicity I guess.

Do you/any of you ever get scared/worried about the possibility of someday not being able to separate or even not being able to identify yourselves as separate consciousnesses? And if no, is that because you don't see that as possible for you, because even if it did happen it wouldn't scare you, or both?

There are a couple of vloggers with DID whose content we've been watching since pretty early into our diagnosis because it was comforting to us to see systems who could put words to things we had experienced and show us that things might not always be as hard as they were in those early days of system awareness. But one of them has just unexpectedly had her whole entire system fuse together in the span of like 2 months, despite that she wasn't aiming for final fusion (she didn't have a specific goal picked out as far as that)... and the other is coming back from hiatus and shared that they had a fusion that none of the system, including BOTH the alters who fused together, had wanted. And hearing those things freaked us out.

We're just now at a point of feeling like most of us know who we are, most of us can trust that the rest of the system has each other's backs, that kind of thing. For many of us, we can love ourselves as a whole (the way we exist right now though, a fragmented whole) and as individual consciousnesses, and we love each other like family.

But every single aspect of who we are as "people," how we function in the world together as a "whole person," how we communicate and relate to one another... every single thing about it would change if we fused, you know? I know people say that you don't lose anything or anyone when a fusion happens, but the fact is, no one involved in the fusion exists in the same way they used to anymore after it happens. (Or so my understanding of it is.) And that's a very scary and painful thing to think about for us right now.

I feel like 90% of the time, our communication and teamwork goes so smoothly. I wouldn't say we're close to functional multiplicity, because there are still a number of us who have little to no communication with each other (and I know I'm still not even aware of everyone in the system), but we're finally at a point of feeling stronger together, caring about each other, most of us trusting each other to have our backs, and that kind of thing. And hearing other systems talk about unexpected -- and especially unwanted -- fusions, well... yeah. That scares me.

If we ever reach a point where fusion feels natural and like something we want, we're trying to stay open to the idea of that and we think we'd accept it at that point. But we absolutely would want it to be something that we got to choose, and that happened because we wanted it to happen. You know? The idea that if we process through our trauma and keep working together well, that one day we might just... fuse without wanting to or deciding to... it freaks me out.

Thank you for bearing with this long message lol.

Ayeee Im gonna reply as I read this (I skimmed the first half and decided Id just write as I read); so keep that in context when reading my reply.

What is communication like when you're Fei?

So we actually went on a small tangent below the cut in this post about it cause we were thinking about it as Fei and found it interesting when we paid more attention to how we communicate. But generally when we are Fei we just kinda don't *need* to explicitly communicate or rather, in other terms, focus on paying attention to the communication we are having internally. A lot of it happens smoothly and fast to where a lot of the time it just kinda floats in our head quietly and passes through while we are acting and thus we don't always fully actively attend to the back and forth. As a result, if we aren't meaning to pay attention to it, it often gets kind of "brushed over" in how we internally interpret the communication to be kind of summarized in a more singular identity than specifically paying attention to which part is saying what.

The underlying conversation between parts is still there and if I reflect back and focus more into what was going on in my head, I can absolutely identify the individual parts and the interactions and even BE the individual parts, but usually - when I'm not intentionally looking closely at my thoughts - it's just "Oh I don't want to do that, but you know, I DO want to do that and I could do it better if I was in more of a [part] headspace so I'll let that part win over and so now I do want to do that" when underneath it there was a lot of banter between the "dominant" part at the time (in the post above, Riku) and the other part that would be better to have (in the post above, Chunn). It's only when I actively double took my own thoughts did I go "hey wait a minute that was a funny banter"

Like, can you still feel and talk to yourselves as distinct?

Yeah sometimes. A lot of the time unless something particularly comes up or sparks the interest of a specific part, usually we just kind of exist as a whole, but the second anything interesting comes up, parts tend to rear their head and blabber like they want. It doesn't usually feel as intensely like a whole separate part necessarily, but the distinction is pretty clear even then and its kinda funny as Fei sometimes cause I'm like "Lol [part brain] and [other part brain] are bantering". It's kinda like having mixed feelings I think but with a lot more respect to the complexities, identities, and histories that back the sources of those mixed feelings. I can hear and watch and feel and talk with the parts of myself that generate the mixed feelings and even see and visualize them without them Not Being Me. I am Chunn, I am Riku, I am XIV, I am Ray, I am all of them all at once but also at the same time, I could very easily just choose to be just one of them if I wanted because in the end, they're all me.

For example say one of you gets anxious about something, can you pinpoint "this is who is feeling anxious" and talk to them to reassure them, or does it feel like ALL of you are anxious and it's just everybody's feeling all at once, and talking to them feels like self-talk?

Yes to both. It's kind of hard to explain how it is Both, but firstly, absolutely we almost always can tell which part is feeling anxious as a whole and usually other parts do step in to help lessen their anxiety and help them soothe and talk through it 100%. If I didn't have that I would loose my mind and that is unironically coming from all of our parts. At this point basically everyone in our system is so deeply supportive and looking out for one another and it's really the only way a lot of us have been able to find any peace with how each individual part tends to be such a huge extreme and prone to bouts of really bad self care or maladaptive behavior when left on their own. So we really rely on each other to call each other out, support each other, step in when a part is struggling and cover for one another. Even as a unified whole, its very essential to be looking out for one another and being diligent over eachother's needs - it just kind of comes from a much "higher up" kind of eagle-view lens than a 'on the ground lens' for a lack of better words.

We keep an eye out for each other through a sort of collective lens rather than independently from disconnected views. And so we do notice when one part is agitated or on their shit and usually we can shift around parts to support and help regulate that part as they need. And we do still talk out loud, and it is both to ourselves and to the part at the same time and it feels both like self-soothing and like soothing another person and like being soothed by another person. The best thing is that you get both the joy and dopamine of being a supportive person for someone you care about AND the warmth and dopamine of being supported by someone you care about at the same time.

I never feel alone with myself.

Do any of you (especially those who have tended to be more different from the rest of the system) feel like you've lost any of yourself and the things that make you you, when you're fused?

Naaaah. We have the side system that is usually sleeping both when we are a whole and when we aren't that does sometimes - when fronting - feel out of place a bit because our life is not as centered around those parts being largely engaged parts of ourselves but even they wouldn't say they are "lost" at all

I mean to some degree, it might be somewhat because we are buddhist and don't really believe in the "concept of self / I / me" and don't really define ourselves in any way other than "whatever I am right now", but we just get to do and be everything all at once. Everyone is still here and everyone here can really just become the prominent part or even a completely dominant part and they will be 100% in their natural glory. Riku's disgusting optimism and stubbornness is still here. XIV's loud and obtuse opinionated ass is here. Chunn's "what do you mean you don't do weed you act stoned 24/7" headass is here. Lucille's lack of ability to respond to a tease in a way that doesn't make it funnier is still here. It's just kinda like we can just toggle whats expressed the most at any time.

Especially regarding #1, do you know how your experience compares to people who say they've reached final fusion? Like other than it being temporary, is there anything that makes it distinct? And same question for functional multiplicity I guess.

From what I've heard its actually pretty similar? It's pretty hard to tell what with how complex internal experiences are and how you can only really communicate them through the limited confines of human speech and language, but from what I've read it seems to be pretty common with a lot of people who have reached final fusion.

I do think our perspective on self and life has a large impact on how we like to perceive and operate ourself because - between being AAPI and a buddhist - we have a very very very low value and concern for the concept of identity and individuality and largely do embrace a very fluid, open and ever changing idea of self. As part of our own life perspective and self care and practice, we do actively put effort to removing the concept of "I" and individualism from our lives because we find it just tends to cause more stress than its worth (and also play into the hands of capitalism and just a lot of things we hate about Western American society but I am gonna SMOTHER the XIV brain that wants to go off on that because its NOT the point of this post) so in THAT sense

I do think there is an element of "uniqueness" to the way we operate due to our very core value for fluidity, removal of the concept of "I", and active intent to practice appreciating and enjoying the world as parts of a whole not only in terms of DID but as a part of the world. The way we interact with our DID is about the same way we like to interact with the world and try to interact with the people in our lives, so those sorts of things are non-negligible aspects of how final fusion and functional multiplicity work for us compared to others that might not have as much of an approach to life.

At the core I think it's basically the same, we just enjoy a different perspective in life that tends to also reflect a lot in how we experience ourselves and our symptoms.

Do you/any of you ever get scared/worried about the possibility of someday not being able to separate or even not being able to identify yourselves as separate consciousnesses? And if no, is that because you don't see that as possible for you, because even if it did happen it wouldn't scare you, or both?

Before? Absolutely. Especially when we were first figuring it out and trying to learn how to hold Fei longer AND willingly re-seperate if we wanted to. It was actually absolutely terrifying at first because we had spent our whole life being specific parts and a lot of us were kind of terrified on what it would be like if anything got botched or screwed up or if only some parts fused and others didn't and it ruined the stability and synergies we had built up and god, the anxiety and catastrophization of it all is endless.

It used to be TERRIFYING and there were times we struggled to re-seperate when we wanted to (ironically in periods of high stress a lot of the time) and it did cause us some distress, but over time we kind of learned to just... relax and stop worrying as much about it and just trust in ourselves - more specifically ourselves as Fei. Cause I think in some way or form, us being anxious about not being able to re-divide kind of made us panic throw up partial walls between each other which did seperate us SOME but more than anything just made it harder to fluidly flow between parts which then resulted in us just getting stuck with one-part-dominant Fei. Which is what sometimes caused what we would call "fused-stuck" which feels a lot like being front stuck, but as a fused whole when you can't really properly utelize the other parts you are fused with. It was HORRIBLE, I hated it, but kinda like being frontstuck it passes with time and we just kinda had to go "this too will pass and we will eventually be able to regain our fluidity" and lo and behold, eventually we did gain that fluidity back as well as the ability to just be one specific part should we really want to.

That said, these days? No not really. To some level, yeah it is because I don't think it would really scare us much these days. I don't really necessarily like the idea of being forever fused, but I wouldn't really say it 'scares' us to think about it. Eh maybe a bit from certain parts, cause like right now like maybe 80% of my brain is "ehhh itd suck but itd be fine" and like 20% goes "uhhhh actually" and like at least the Riku part in our brain is going "UHH" so... XD

But even then, that's just when we think about it too long cause certain parts are prone to catastrophizing and thinking about all the horrible ways that could go whereas us - as a whole - are a little better at acknowledging the unforseeable benefits that could also come from it.

For the most part though, the reason it's a "no" is just cause we really just... don't think about it. It's not really something on the forefront of our mind or even like, the middlefront of it. We have a lot of things going on in our life and a lot of things we enjoy and things we enjoy a lot less but are important and it just... doesn't occur to us 98% of the days anymore.

I know people say that you don't lose anything or anyone when a fusion happens, but the fact is, no one involved in the fusion exists in the same way they used to anymore after it happens. (Or so my understanding of it is.) And that's a very scary and painful thing to think about for us right now.

Eh, yes and no - at least in my experience. It's less about parts being the same way or not the same way as they were before in any real way of "morphing" or changing or anything like that and a lot more of just... existing in a wider lens. Kinda think of it like a really detailed painting of sorts. When you are individual parts dissociated from eachother, you can look really really closely at a specific aspect of the art. You can look at how the artist used brush strokes on the specific flower and the hues and you can really appreciate that very close and specific view. Sometimes you can look at another part really closely and remember what the other corner looked like and there is a lot of deep and intricate analysis and appreciation that can come from those close views. The issue is, with those really close up views, its hard to appreciate both simultaneously and even more harder to appreciate MULTIPLE pieces simultaneously let alone appreciate the art as a whole.

And so for me, fusion is just kind of like stepping away and putting the microscope away and just taking in the complex art and painting as a whole. You can survey and focus - from a distance - at any specific part and you can quickly change between each aspect, compare and contrast them, analyze how the parts of the painting play into an overall narrative and how the styles and ways the art is drawn may reflect upon one another. Every individual part is still there and the comparisons and analysis can still be made from a distance. You just get to see more

And in my experience, sometimes I REALLY just wanna study that flower and how that flower was painted alone, because sometimes that very specific very close up very detailed understanding of a specific part of the art is better than just gazing at the whole thing. And that's the great thing. I can always just pull my microscope back out and hone back in.

Stepping away from the painting and getting a wider view doesn't mean that the flower that was otherwise zoomed in on is suddenly inaccessible.

And I guess the analogy doesn't work perfectly because in practice, sometimes interactions between parts may change other parts but 1) is that not just part of life and living in a social world? People come and go and everyone leaves a little part of themselves with everyone they interact with. Change is inevitable and a beautiful and important part of life and 2) even within the analogy, when you understand more of the full picture, sometimes your understanding of the flower alone will change, and that's okay because the flower is still them. Your understanding just became more complex

That said, I absolutely do still understand the fear and pain from the idea of it. Change is frightening, especially with a history of trauma and especially when you have found peace and safety within the parts in your system. I don't want to invalidate that at all cause yeah, absolutely been there and its horribly terrifying. I've just been doing this for a minute and over time I've just kind of learned to trust that no matter what form and opinions any of the parts have and no matter how they change, all these guys are never not going to be the people I need in my life and they are always going to be there for me, when I need them in the way I need them.

They're always going to be them and I'm gonna ride or die with these assholes so, fuck it man. If they turn into a 20ft tall tarantula tomorrow or a worm, I'd still love them and trust that even as a worm they'd still ride or die to support me.

If we ever reach a point where fusion feels natural and like something we want, we're trying to stay open to the idea of that and we think we'd accept it at that point. But we absolutely would want it to be something that we got to choose, and that happened because we wanted it to happen. You know? The idea that if we process through our trauma and keep working together well, that one day we might just... fuse without wanting to or deciding to... it freaks me out.

Yeah thats a completely fair and valid place to be and honestly where we were for years of our healing journey. I think the most anyone can do with something that feels terrifying and is a bit unnatural / untrue to how they currently feel in life is to ask themselves to TRY to be open to an idea. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that currently it scares you and that currently its not something you are ACTUALLY open to the thought of cause thats fine and fair. Being scared, being not ready, and being unable to genuinely consider it are all completely normal feelings and feelings can't really be forced to change or appear in a specific way. Recovery is a huge and long journey and as much as everyone would love for things to just "be right" and have the "healthy mindset", that stuff takes time to authentically and genuinely develop. As long as there is a slightly creaked open door to be willing to let new experiences naturally flow in, I'm sure you'll get to a place that is healthy, happy and comfortable for you.

Whether or not that is final fusion, functional multiplicity, wishiwashi, or something completely out there beyond my fathoming is far beyond anything I could say cause recovery can take you wild places with it's ways of getting you to a place that makes you happy, but whatever form it takes, you'll get there. It might suck and struggle and be scary at times, but you'll get there - just don't judge yourself for not being able to fit into a specific direction or specific way of thinking or fitting into some standards.

Follow your authentic self and expression and I'm sure you'll find what works for you and what is right for you, even among the chaos. ^^

Anywayyyys, that's another long post to reply to your long ask XD It was a nice chat and ramble so thanks for the ask. I kinda like talking about this stuff so its much appreciated

PS: I will almost* never complain about a long ask, anyone that following this blog knows I post replies that are like 10 pages long for a question like "do you like cheese" because I go on so many tangents and have a lot of thoughts on everything and just like Thinking About Things.

(* = I do not wish to underestimate the power of weird tumblr users /neutral)

[akookminsupporter]

Honestly, this is an old topic and I’ll understand if you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve seen some talk about how the actions of the members as they venture in their solo stuff seems to contradict the “BTS as a group now and in the future agenda”, and I thought it was just random comments here and there but today I also saw another blog that I follow touch on the matter. I personally am a firm believer of believing on the boys and what they say when it comes to the group. Like during Festa last year yes I felt a little out of it because I wasn’t expecting a hiatus announcement, but after jk came live and after learning about ms everything made sense. Now that we’re halfway through the members solo eras I’m beginning to see (again) comments about how the different approaches each of them has embraced seem different or to contradict the trajectory of coming back as a band in 2025-2026. I would say that the assumption that I’ve seen used the most recently is that bts are going to have a comeback maybe in 2026, do an album and a tour and then they’ll focus on their solo stuff — the “proof” I’ve also seen used a lot to back up this assumption/predictions are how NJ seems to be too into his own music and less talkative about the group and their future (as opposed to yoonmin), and V not being too into his music or wanting more freedom something that being the a member of the biggest group can’t allow (a narrative that I’ve also seen used with jk). I personally don’t see any of this as true, like I know and I’ve seen how the members even now still talk about their plans and wanting to come back as a group already, but maybe I’m being blinded by my trust or maybe I’m missing something idk 🤷🏻‍♀️. I just wanted to know your thoughts. I know the future is literally unpredictable and that not even the boy can tell what’s going to happen, even bang pd said that in that interview, but still I think that they have plans and know stuff we won’t even know until they want us to, and that if they say they’re going to do something, they will try their best to 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi anon, how are you? Sorry for replying to your Ask a bit late. If you don't mind I would like to address several points you mentioned.

I’ve seen some talk about how the actions of the members as they venture in their solo stuff seems to contradict the “BTS as a group now and in the future agenda”,

This entry point is interesting because what things have they said or done that contradict their "bts as a band now and in the future" agenda...that they are releasing solo albums, that one went on tour alone or that they are doing solo performances? If they mean that then yes, I guess they are contradicting the "bts as a group now" part of the agenda, that's precisely the idea. BTS is technically not currently an active group, but the members have been consistent in saying that they are part of a group and want to return to being one in the future, maybe some members mention this more than others, but they've all said it more than once at some point. So I find it interesting that they say that and I am curious as to why they say it.

I’m beginning to see (again) comments about how the different approaches each of them has embraced seem different or to contradict the trajectory of coming back as a band in 2025-2026.

I find this argument a bit silly and even ignorant. Of course the focus of their solo albums is different to what they do as a group, that's the point. I thought everyone understood that. Here they can finally have full control of how they want to do everything. Every project is theirs, the way they want it to be. Here they don't have to compromise on something for the sake of the group. Here it's not just a part of each of them forming a whole, here it's a whole formed from each of them individually. This is the opportunity where they can really maybe find out what kind of artists they really are, not as a member of a group but as themselves. Literally. And there's nothing wrong with that, on the contrary. That would, in the future and in theory, benefit the group even more.

I would say that the assumption that I’ve seen used the most recently is that bts are going to have a comeback maybe in 2026, do an album and a tour and then they’ll focus on their solo stuff — the “proof” I’ve also seen used a lot to back up this assumption/predictions are how NJ seems to be too into his own music and less talkative about the group and their future (as opposed to yoonmin), and V not being too into his music or wanting more freedom something that being the a member of the biggest group can’t allow (a narrative that I’ve also seen used with jk).

Look, nothing is set in stone. No matter how much you plan for the future, it can change. In 2-3 years’ things can be different. What each of them wants may change. Maybe Jin wants to start his acting career and doesn't want to travel so much. Maybe Hobi wants to do his own solo tour. Maybe Yoongi wants to get more into production than anything else. Maybe everyone in 2-3 years wants something different and that's normal because they are human. For now, the only thing we know is that they want to come back in a few years as a group, what that comeback will be like, we don't know. Maybe it will just be an album and nothing else. Maybe it will be four albums and a tour. Maybe it will be a different kind of normality but similar to what we knew.  To accuse them of being liars or pressuring them to do what they said they would do or promised would happen is unfair. They are not robots. They did not promise anything in stone.

And honestly, it's sad how much some so-called fans question what the members say.

It's funny that they say that about Namjoon because he hasn't said much of anything lately and the times he gave an interview or did a Wlive, he mentioned coming back as a group. He mentioned BTS. They are all focused on their own things. BTS's schedule is literally at a standstill. At least the musical one.

In my opinion, I think this fandom is selfish with the artists it claims to love. This fandom has set up sometimes unfair expectations for these seven men, but demands that they be met. It doesn't matter what they want or think.

Personally, I will continue to wait patiently for each release. For every move each of them makes. Always respecting my line. Tomorrow or 2-3 years from now whatever will happen will happen. What they want to happen with their careers, with their lives. will happen.  And each one of us will be able to decide what to do as fans.

[ragzonacamrencruise]

Hey buddy, hope you're doing great.

My question is are you still a camren shipper ? Like do you still ship them together? What's your thoughts about them actually?

hello bestie!!! hope you are at your greatest too!!

my thoughts on camren is a little complicated right now. pursuing a law degree has really made me a whole different person. no matter which topic i'm talking about, i can't help but think about both the sides without bias.

while talking about camren there are still major things to be considered. like, are they still together? if yes then why don't they come out, the world today is a little more forgiving than the world 10yrs ago was, right? are they not together? why not?

months ago i made this post stating that i listened to mila and lauren's albums and songs fully from top to bottom and a lotta things are clear to me from it, especially mila's pov. but i never really got around to the point where i could make a solid post about them, cuz it's just too painful for me. camren has been my anchor since they saved my life all those years back.

mila talks a lot about how for 2yrs (idk which 2 years exactly she's talking about in her songs) there's been this push and pull in their relationship. and lauren comes and talks about the same 2yrs and how she doesn't feel like she can rely for a relationship on mila anymore.

from what i can decipher from their songs is that they aren't together anymore and it's causing both of them a lot of pain. but the lawyer in me can't help but hope that in some way or form they are together.

they were children during the 5h days and all 5 of them have grown up soooo much. especially lauren who's changed drastically. she's always been atuned to the spiritual and patriotic side of her since her early days, and now that she has more freedom in expressing herself, she's been doing just that lately.

mila on the other hand, i'm sorry but i'm really scared on what is going on with her. this is even worse than the familia era. she's been on hiatus for almost a year and a half and the music video for the single that she released recently makes me wanna question a lot of things.

if camren were in a relationship, i don't think they'll be acting unhinged like this. we know how they were during the 5h era. thoughtful and creative and lively and carefree. but the mila and lauren i'm seeing now, are far from the 5h mila and lauren. they've changed a lot.

even if all the evidences now point to the fact that camren aren't together anymore, i still will not lose hope, and i still no matter what happens, will continue to ship them. i won't be obnoxious about it, nor will i pester them about it. i will be respectful and make this blog my battlefield when everybody else are either giving up or retreating. i will stand my ground and provide anchor for anybody who is willing to hop aboard this ship. so to answer your question, yes. i am still a camren shipper even when deep down i know they still aren't together anymore.

sorry for making this a long ass post, bestie, but i really needed to clear my chest and thoughts about this and you gave me the perfect opportunity to do so. thank you.

[simplydnp]

you don’t have to answer this if you want to keep the discussion pretty quiet i just wanted to add some perspective

the fear probably also comes from being in this similar situation before. when they finished ii and released the dvd that’s the same time they started the hiatus so i think it’s natural to have a daunting feeling like that’s what’s happening again

however last time was the time dan needed to take a step back and deal with life etc with his coming out journey and this time while anything could happen i really don’t think they’re playing on slowing down just yet :)

thank you anon!

i would agree. i really want to be excited but i just can't quiet the doubtful sliver in my brain, and i think it comes from being here before. even though we can look back now and see the signs, i really wasn't expecting the hiatus. and even though i believed them when they said they'd be back, it was still almost five years.

my brain is deciding to be a little over-vigilant i would say, because it almost seems like it failed to catch it the first time, and doesn't want to do that again.

there's been a lot of talk of sponsorships lately, which i think is at worst fine and at best extremely healthy for us to be doing, but the talk of 'what are they saving for' while fun, i think has also given my fear an out with 'theyre leaving'. even though it makes so little sense. they dig up the gaming channel--and not even in a half-assed way! full spookyweek, baking, calendar, art commissions from the community, gamingmas, dan vs phil return, revival of sims, google feud, wikihow, would you press the button, regular uploads--intentionally for only 4 and a half months? it really doesn't make sense. especially with how much fun they've been having with it.

i know the hiatus was less about dapg and more about personal and career growth, discovery, and independance. they don't owe us talk about it, obviously private, but i'd be lying if i wasn't extremely curious about the discussion that went into bringing it back. (we've hashed this out before that obv marketing plays a role but dammit dan and phil raised me to be a nostalgic and sappy mfer so sue me if i want to know how our dads got Professionally back together)

i don't see it ending soon. i don't think it'll go on forever, obviously, but i think once the wad showing happens i'll feel the most secure i've been since the return.

[misc-obeyme]

it's way too early in the morning but I got dropped off early for work 😭 so I'm gonna write ajsjdj

yes I'm glad you noticed about Solomon and Mammon !! He started doing it impulsively. And then sometimes if it has a specific time like "have to stop by bank after work" Solomon will text him back "stopped by the bank yet? :]" It's so cute.

Okay but he DOES find out what seat I got. I very excitedly end up yapping about it, but not before Mammon texts Lucifer the info. Also I'd like to think there's at least one night before the concert that Mammon invites both of them over and they help me make bracelets. I have to write out the phrases, but they can put them together just fine. It's usually just song title acronyms or short lyrics.

And then the day before the concert 👀 Belphie and Beel end up in town. I think they skipped the concert right before my show to get there early and rest, but the day before the concert, they go visit Mammon.

I think I said Beel does casual mukbangs? Levi can't believe he doesn't have a consistent upload schedule but Beel is just having fun. He interacts online when he doesn't have content to post. But him and Belphie coming to the shop to annoy Mammon- I mean visit their dear big brother - Yeahhh... askdkj

Unknown to Mammon, I occasionally watch Levi's streams, but that means I also got into Beel's content because like ?? He's such a sweetheart. How could I not? Yet they've never been brought up by Mammon by name, so no one's connected the dots.

Beel and Belphie sitting on the bar stools usually taken by Solomon and I, and Mammon is kinda annoyed because those seats are taken in his mind. But Beel is happily munching, and Belphie is asking if there's anything to do in the city since they have the whole day free (Mammon tells him to go bug Satan).

I'm debating if Solomon comes in during this. Cue Mammon getting slightly flustered, taking payment without fussing today ONLY because his brothers are there and he can't have them knowing he gives stuff out for free.

(THERE'S PEOPLE IN THE BREAK ROOM WITH ME 😭 I'VE GOT MORE TO WRITE)

I think I also come in, running late because I stayed up making bracelets. "Hi Mammon, here you go, can't talk, already have people asking if they can pick up their records today, thank you, bye!" Cue Mammon getting flustered again and having a cute smile on his face, only for Belphie to start snickering at him.

Also, see, if I don't recognize the person, I will avoid eye contact so hard. I will stare at the ground, at least in public. At the shop I'm better about it.

I feel like Belphie would catch a glimpse of my bracelets, and since he's already been to a few shows, he recognizes some songs/the color scheme. Actually, he's probably into the band too 🤓 He's definitely a pre-hiatus guy

But hearing the word 'record' gets him interested, and he's asking Mammon what I was talking about. If there's a record shop nearby. And Mammon is reluctant to tell him because he doesn't need his brothers going and bothering me.

Unfortunately Beel's research for restaurants when visiting a city also include scoping out things for Belphie when possible. So he definitely knows about the record shop. He was gonna take Belphie there after. Pipes up with the name and everything.

OKAY I NEED TO CLOCK IN 😭 EVERYONE WAS TALKING TO ME AND I WAS LIKE o(-( Because I was writing this. I'll probably write more after work or something. Maybe. Hopefully.

OH YEAH, LOL YOU KNOW MY NAME(S). I added Star on there bc a mutual used starry to refer to me and i was like 🥺 BUT MY MC'S NAME IS PAULA LOLOL

AJSJD OKAY BYE

- ✨

NAME REVEAL.

Okay but for yourself do you have a preference? Would you like me to call you Star or Lupe? I'm good either way of course~

But I love Paula!!!

I love Solomon so much, he's just happy to be Mammon's text reminder buddy~

Okay, and yes I do remember Beel doing mukbangs and I have to say that I LOVE that for him~ I'd watch them for sure lol.

I love them sitting in your usual seats and Belphie kinda clocking on to what's happening! That guy may be lazy, but he's smart!

OMG so are Beel and Belphie gonna visit the record shop???

Ohhh I hate when someone tries to talk to me when I'm working on something like yes hello but please leave me alone lol.

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

https://twitter.com/jungkook_sns/status/1681881993670193152?s=46&t=IM0wUxKDazq7qfS35Qksaw

i'm sorry has he always been this shallow? where's the artistry that the company and army have been shoving down our throats all these years?

- Did you see his Weverse interview? He's not the JK I remember anymore lol

---

Yoongi's disciple frrrr

Hasn't BTS been a giant pop act for the past years???

I don't have much to say honestly because this is not a surprise to me. I've always said he's not as naive and such a goody goody, void of ambition like people have believed all this time. I've said that he has carefully crafted the persona everyone sees. That time I said that in relation to his "Jungkook is afraid of girls", but it applies to this as well. I also think of all the times that I've talked about him being the most eager member to go solo, which is something that a lot of people noticed. That he wasn't particularly moved by the hiatus, that he actually seemed elated by it. I've said plenty of times too that this focus on their careers and personal goals was probably one of the reasons taekook got so close in late 2021 onwards, that they probably were in similar length waves and had similar interests. If atp y'all don't see the similarities in motives and means between Taehyung and Jungkook...

I also think now of how, if Taehyung or Yoongi said that, jikookers and JK stans would be calling them greedy, social climbers, self-absorbed, egotistical, arrogant. Basically the same thing they've been calling Taehyung for associating himself with Jungkook the past two years, even when it's crystal clear Jungkook never had a problem with that. These same people think it's impossible that he and Jimin might've had a fall out and distanced themselves from each other.

I don't think it's bad to have high goals or ambitions, but actually saying that out loud is so ridiculous to me. It's the same type of cringe as Yoongi predicting his own chart position on IU's show (and then failing to even enter the chart). I also saw a screenshot of the MV filming sketch where he said "there's no other MV like this in Korea", which connects well to everything else going on. Even the perceived marketing as a "masculine boyfriend type" is so fitting because what giant male popstar isn't surrounded by women, right?

There's nothing wrong in wanting to do something different, but it says a lot about someone when they're doing things that they deem a novelty just for the attention and not because they actually have a purpose. In all honesty, people are entitled to feel ick when reading those words. It comes across as even more cringe when you compare it to actual giant popstars and none of them rose to fame from one day to the other (like Jungkook probably believes can do), and none of them has ever said they want to be the biggest celebrity.

It's even more absurd when he says he has that goal, but has absolutely no thoughts or plans on how he's going to work towards it; even implying that he's not even working for it -just took someone else's song that he liked.

Jungkook's answer also made me think also about BTS coming back eventually. Would he be okay with sharing the spotlight again after he's had it all for himself?

[shihalyfie]

So uh...Digimon Seekers being a web novel will be interesting.

It's an interesting format for sure. I'm guessing they're trying to find a way to keep "constant content" going in light of the loss of the anime timeslot and all that (the card game's doing well, but there's only so much it can do by itself).

Speaking of which! Let's talk about the elephant in the room, which is Digimon losing its timeslot and Ghost Game not getting a follow-up anime! In previous occasions, every time Digimon lost a timeslot and the anime went on hiatus again, that meant the franchise was in danger of dying (again), but...as of earlier this year, Digimon is now Toei's third best-selling IP internationally. So it is highly doubtful that the anime is going back on hiatus simply because things aren't doing well.

So, what's actually going on?

We're used to the idea of "Digimon should run back to back if it does well," and that's true of series that are explosively popular (which Digimon is not right now, even if it's not on the verge of dying either), but in actuality, the Fuji TV 9 AM slot is a high-demand one to the point most franchises don't get to run for three years on it consecutively. That kind of thing is rare enough that Japanese fans familiar with the timeslot have commented that Digimon has probably accomplished a lot getting to keep it for the last three years. There are only two IPs that have ever gotten to run for four consecutive years or longer on that slot: one is Dragon Ball (I think "not being as profitable as Dragon Ball" is hardly something to freak out about), and the other is Digimon itself.

That financial report I just linked says that Digimon is Toei's best internationally selling IP including overseas sales. While we've had a lot of reports recently about Digimon's financial success, they all specifically note that it means internationally and not just Japan -- and, granted, that's still important especially because Toei and Bandai have been trying to aim for more of an international market in recent years, but that's what's telling us that the video games and card games are what's carrying Digimon now, not necessarily the anime, which currently has very little influence outside Japan besides the Crunchyroll simulcast (and probably some East Asian language dubs), and I imagine that doesn't contribute very much. And the Adventure: English dub doesn't seem to be coming out anytime soon...

Like I've said, the card game is doing great, and sets have been coming out in Chinese and Korean as of late.

So while I'm no financial analyst, I'm guessing they've decided to put a hold on the kids' anime right now because it's not a very good outlet for their current best option, which is to focus more on building an international market and solid base. That doesn't mean kids' anime will never come back, and it also doesn't mean the franchise isn't already in a much better situation than it was when Frontier, Savers, Xros Wars, and Appmon ended, because the recent success of the video games and card games gives them a lot more of a foothold to do more business ventures, and maybe they can funnel that into actually getting partnerships to dub future kids' anime if they want to do that again. Moreover, it's true that in the past, the franchise would hit life support every time the anime stopped, but that's because the franchise was dependent on having a running anime for attention, which is not the case now because the card game has been doing fine independently of the anime. So I think it's pretty easy to understand that having an ongoing kids' show won't be the best option for them at the current moment, and meanwhile Digimon Seekers is coming out in multiple languages at once, so you can see what the strategy is here.

Of course, I think much of Digimon's best content is in the kids' shows, so I hope it comes back (and I'm certainly not a huge fan of the idea of the only anime we get being from that pipeline that's focusing on nostalgia stuff with Adventure branding), but that's how I see it for now.

[alarrytale]

Hello Marte! This might be a little longer for you to explain but I´m turning to you as I love how you explain things and your pov in general. My bf has been arguing with me about HL because in his opinion they are both selfish because they prioritized their career over their love and he thinks they simply can´t be together because their career is more important than their love and so they are not together physically most of the time. He even told me "I wouldn´t do this, I rather dump my career to be with you but they are both selfish and think about themselves first and foremost and that´s why I can´t respect them" and "If they love each other they wouldn´t hide it because their love should be their priority" and I just don´t know what to tell him anymore. Arguments how they are closeted and need to stay closeted because of their image clause they naively signed when they were 16/18 haven´t known the consequences, how because of this they can´t be even spotted together nor spotted together holding hands and nobody knows how long will their career last and so they are making most of it now to go on hiatus and start their family in the further future. He told me that they have enough money now so why can´t they stop if they love each other that much but no, they keep priotizing their careers. So I just don´t know what to tell him because their situation is not black and white, it´s very complex and it´s just not easy for them to just stop everything just to be together - he just thinks that if they love each other this much they would just stop everything...which I totally get, I am also this romantic, I would love to think about it to be this easy but I know it´s impossible when there are contracts, clauses and H being S*ny´s golden goose and all of this is hard to break or escape it.

Hi, anon!

I think it's very simple. They both love each other. They're in a relationship going on 14 years. They spent everyday together for the first five years of their relationship, when they were in the band. They both now have the opportunity of a lifetime, only given to a select few, to do what they've always wanted to do, be an international solo music artist. They love it. Both want to do it. Money isn't a motivator for them. Being able to express themselves creatively, perform, entertain and travel the world is a motivator. The window is closing on them, because their careers have a shelf life. At least being at the top of the game like they are now. If the both decided that they can't be apart for long and live that lifestyle, they probably would choose differently. "Give up everything, just ask me to". They never would ask that of each other. They both want this for themselves and each other. Neither of them wants to hold the other back and live to regret it, or end up resenting each other. The alternative, breaking up and not being together isn't an option either. They'd be miserable. So they make it work. It works for them, it's not ideal, but it's they choice they've made (or forced to make). We still can't be sure what they can and can't do, and i think they don't have all the options.

Loving each other doesn’t mean not being able to function without each others physical presence. They talk everyday (and night) most likely (late night talking) and it seems to work for them. They're not a normal couple with every option available to them. So don't treat them as one.