#they're not all that intense really...but who knows

[godmadeaterribleerror]

Where Do You End Pt. 2

Main Masterlist

Read on A03! - Pt. 1 - Pt. 3

Tags: Dean Winchester/Female Reader, angst, body swap, mentions of smut, humor, horniness, very weird

Summary/Warnings: You put the plan into motion, and Sam realizes you're not Dean a little too late.

Author's Note: Supernatural characters are incapable of the just making the emotionally smart choice on the first try, but they're doing their best.

Word Count: 4.5k

Dean had half shoved the phone into your hand. His hand. Your hand was the one who shoved it into Dean’s hand, and Dean’s hand was the one that was dialing Sam while your hand drummed on the table, and your own eyes watched you with a searing intensity that only Dean was capable of. 

You’re not sure what suddenly made him take this seriously, but you don’t really care. You just need this to be over. 

Because the last twelve hours have been the longest of your life.

It started with your eyes wandering where they shouldn’t. Dean would shift in his chair, your body would shift with him, and when your boobs would bounce it was suddenly impossible to stop staring at them. Dean would walk away from you—to the parking lot, or through a door, or over to the bar—and your hips would do a little swaying thing that made Dean’s body tense. 

Your body tense. Dean’s body that was right now your body—and only about twenty percent in your control—tense. 

And he’d bend over, and your ass would stick in the air, and it was like your eyes were magnetically drawn to it.

You have a nice ass. You’ve never really seen it before, but it’s a nice ass. And nice tits, and an overall face that was better than you’d ever really given yourself credit for. You’re pretty. You have good features, a nice voice, and a great body.

This experience would be an overall ego booster, if you haven’t spent the whole time trying not to lose your mind.

Because then Dean wiggled his ass—your ass—and your jeans felt tight. Almost painful. And there was a weird throbbing feeling between your legs that was deep in your core, but it was heavier than you were used to-

You’d glanced down at your lap with a frown, worried you’d done something to fuck up Dean’s body, and almost fallen out of your chair.

You never wanted to experience an erection again. They were uncomfortable and sudden and annoyingly obvious. They made it hard to focus when you were trying to talk to Dean about the situation, and distracting when you were trying to do research. 

It didn’t help how they were purely out of your control. How easily they appeared, and how impossibly they went. 

And Dean was not fucking helping. He’d squirm when you touched him, and you’d get a boner. He’d use your voice to whine or mumble or just say anything at all, and you’d get a boner. At one point he kicked you and you got a boner.

You don’t know how he functions like this. You’d been a little worried that he doesn’t. That you’re getting turned on by your own shockingly attractive body for some fucked up Freudian reason, and Dean’s got nothing to do with this.

Then you’d dragged him out of the diner, and it had killed that doubt with fire and smoke. You’d never drag your own body like that. You hated it when Dean did that to you—the close proximity and overall Dean-ness of the action always made you weak and soft, molding into him when you were supposed to be pounding on his chest and calling him an asshole—and you hadn’t even really been considering it as an option to stop him going to the bathroom, but Dean’s muscles had flexed against your will, his body had stood taller without your permission, and suddenly you’d been grabbing your own arm and manhandled Dean out of the diner.

He’d been sulking the whole ride back. It was the same way you usually sulked after he did that to you, with a pout and arms folded over your chest.

His boobs—your boobs—were pushed up. You could see cleavage when you glanced to the side, and your cock twitched in your jeans to shove between those pretty fucking tits-

What the fuck was wrong with you.

It was like your body—Dean’s body—had a mind of its own. Behaving as Dean would behave, had none of this shit ever happened. Opening doors and placing that broad hand on your lower back, towering over you closer than he had any right to be and pressing you into corners until he was only just not touching you.

You really wish you’d pushed harder to make him stop doing that. If only for the sake of you now, crowding your own space and getting hard whenever Dean would squirm away from you. But you hadn’t, because when it was you in your own body, you loved it.

It was a cruel, masochistic drug you’d hooked yourself on, where Dean didn’t want you like that but he was still giving you this. You were only his friend in his mind, but he still liked you as a body. He didn’t feel anything for you the same way you felt things for him, but there was still an animalistic attraction that made him hover and smirk and tease you.

It gave you something to hang onto. It gave you something to hate about him, because you really did love everything else. 

You really loved Dean. You really loved his dumb jokes, and his shit-eating grin, and how loud and annoying and adorable he could be. You loved how he loved his car, how he cared about Sam with everything he had, how he was maybe to biggest, hottest geek you’d ever met. 

You really simply loved Dean.

And he didn’t love you, and you’d forced yourself to live with that because you had to. He was still your best friend. You hate him, and you’re furious with him for telling you no and then acting like nothing had changed when he’d ripped your heart out of your chest, carved his name on it, and returned it without any desire to care for how he’d mauled you in a beautiful and irreversible way, but he’s your best friend. And you love him.

And this needed to be fixed now, because you can’t keep living in such firm and solid proof that Dean’s body wants you, but there’s something revolting enough to his brain that he never ever cross that line you’ve had to restrain yourself from all day.

The first step is to call Sam, and execute the secrets plan so you can have some help that isn’t just a grumpy Dean. The second step is to hiss at Dean that he needs to leave the room before Sam picks up, because the whole point is that this a you and Sam secret, and Dean isn’t allowed to hear it.

“You can’t just cut me out of this, sweetheart,” he hisses back, narrowing your eyes. It’s cute. You’re going to fucking die. “I’ll be damned if I let you and Sammy whisper about me while I just stand in the freakin’ hall-“

“Not everything is about you, Dean.” You sneer. “And if you want this to work, wait outside.”

“But-“

“Outside.” Your voice raises slightly as you point to the door, and there’s an authoritative, commanding tone to it that makes Dean’s eyes—your eyes—widen. “Now.”

Dean scowls and shuffles outside, his low grumble about this being bullshit muffled as the door closes behind him.

You glare after him—not loving how annoyed his body is that you just let Dean walk away without picking him up and kissing his hair—and Sam picks up seconds later.

“Listen, Dean, I know you’re freaking out, but you can’t keep calling me.” Sam sounds exasperated, and you frown into the air as he continues. “This is supposed to be my week off with Eileen, and it’s hard to relax when you keep fucking calling me.”

“I-“ You shake your head slightly, glancing back to the door. “What?”

“You’ve called me seven times, Dude. Listen, it’s not going to go bad, she doesn’t hate you, and all you need to do is talk about your feelings like an adult and everything will be fine.”

“I don’t-“

“Yeah, I know.” You can hear Sam’s eye roll through the phone. “There’s nothing to talk about, she doesn’t know what she’d be getting into, you’d rather be miserable and all that shit. Look, Dean, at this point all I can tell you is to get your head out of your ass, and stop calling me.”

“Sam.” Your voice is slow, cautious, and wired with things you don’t fully understand. “What are you talking about.”

He says your name like it’s obvious, and you think the world stops spinning. “I know you didn’t wanna solo hunt with her, but-“

“Why didn’t he- Why didn’t I want to solo hunt with her?” Your voice is more frantic than Dean’s usually is. You don’t really care. “What’s wrong with her?”

“Nothing’s wrong with her, Dean, you’re just still in love with her, and kind of being a fucking dick about it.”

Sam keeps talking. Something about how Dean’s always worried about hunting with you, how he’s always worried he’s going to slip up and put you in danger, how he’s afraid you’ll catch on to his real feelings, how he believes it’s easier when Sam is there to run interference and prevent too much of Dean’s hand from being shown.

It’s all just noise, though. Because there’s no way Dean loves you. He’d said he didn’t. He’d said you were his friend and nothing more, he’d shot you down, he’d apologized and told you the feeling would fade, because it was just a crush, and it would pass.

You’d spent months forcing yourself to be okay with that. You couldn’t make him love you. It would kill you to contort and reshape yourself into someone he would want, and if you did go down that path there was a chance you’d come out the other side someone he hated. 

You’d lost sleep reminding yourself that Dean loving you was not something you were owed. That you were lucky he cared about you enough to be your friend, and to let you down gently. He could’ve been cruel, and listed every reason you were vile and repulsive and had no right to be his. He could’ve told you to pack your bags and leave the bunker. 

And you’d tried to move on, because you owed him that much. You’d failed, but you tried.

He’d always stopped you. At countless bars he’d stepped between you and whoever you were flirting with, telling you Sam was drunk and they had to go now, or you all had an early drive in the morning and had to go now, or you just had to go now.

Sam had never really looked that drunk. 

Dean had always guided you out of the bar with a possessive hand on your lower back.

He’d rejected you, and he’d never let you get over him. 

As if he-

“Sam.” Your tone is harsh and cold. You don’t care. “How long has- Have I been in love with m-“ You correct yourself again with your own name, your voice dropping another octave, and there’s a long pause over the speaker.

“Forever, dude. You told me that like, day one you were whipped. I mean- You know that. Are you-“

“I’m fine.” You snap. You’re barely breathing. “Sam, I need you to feed the cat.”

For a second, you think the call dropped and that the plan hadn’t worked. The plan needed to work. You needed to get back into your own body so you could fucking kill Dean-

“Dean, we don’t have a cat. You’re allergic-“

“Sparky. In storage room nine. He needs food.”

“Spar- I don’t- What- Did-“ Sam snaps your name, and your heart jumps into your throat. “Did she tell you something? Did you get her drunk again? Because you know she’ll kill you when she gets sober, she hates it when you do that-“

You know exactly what Sam’s trying to accuse you—accuse Dean—of. You get loose-lipped when you drink. You tell secrets and lose your filter, and you always feel horrible in the morning because they’re rarely your secrets and the lack of filter is really embarrassing.

Dean’s told you it’s adorable. That he likes drunk you, because she’s honest and takes somehow less shit than sober you. That she’s you in the rawest form, and its’s awesome.

You can’t believe you ever bought that he didn’t have any feelings for you at all.

“There’s wet food in the pantry, behind all the cabbage and carrots. Should be enough for Sparky until I get home.” You push on, narrowing your eyes at the air. “Scoop the litter box too. I think I forget.”

“You- You’ve never been in the pantry. That’s why we-“ Sam cuts himself off, and you can hear the gears spinning in his brain over the phone. 

Then he says your name, and there’s an element of horror in his voice that feels pretty appropriate. 

“Thank fuck.” You mutter, and take your chances to try and just say it. “Code Vermilion, Sam.”

“Code- That’s a zombie situation, are there-“

“Shit- sorry.” You chew on your tongue, trying to recall the emergency system you’d fucking designed. “Code Puce.”

“You fucking body swapped?!” There is it. Thank God. “Why didn’t you just, you know, say that-“

“I couldn’t!” You were shouting, but Sam was also shouting, so it was only fair. “I called you all day on my phone, and the moment I tried to, the call dropped! I tried to email or text you and it never sent, I tried to fucking snail mail you and the letter burst into flames! Dean short-circuited a fax machine-“

Sam groans. “Shit, you’re gonna kill me. I mean Dean, Dean’s gonna kill me. I was never supposed to tell,” Sam says your name, then cuts himself off with another groan. “Fuck, I mean you, I wasn’t supposed to tell you- God damn it-“

“Sam.” Your voice has become clipped. Short. You don’t need a reminder of the previous conversation, and this just really needs to be over. “If I email you all the details, can you start looking for fixes?”

“Yeah, sure, just-“ He pauses, his voice dropping sightly. “You think emails gonna work now?”

“We’re talking about it and the call’s not dropping.” You shrug, even though he can’t see it. “Text me any solutions you have. I’ll keep you updated on my end, and when Dean gets home, make him sleep on the floor of your room and don’t let him go to the bathroom alone. Okay?”

“Oh- Wait-“ Sam says your name, and you can hear the confusion in his voice. “What do you mean when Dean gets home-“

“I mean when Dean gets home. Bye, Sam.” 

You hang up, and spend a long minute just staring at the wall.

Dean’s in love with you. Sam says Dean’s in fucking love with you, and you believe him, and you-

You can’t stay here. 

This needs to be fixed, but you cannot stay here. 

You open the door to the hall. And there he is. There you are, and your body—Dean’s body, the one that’s allegedly in love with you—is leaning forward to be closer to you. To Dean.

Fuck.

“Were you ever going to tell me?”

Dean frowns at you, pulling your lips down into a pouty frown. It makes your dick—Dean’s dick—twitch in his pants. 

“Tell you what?”

You brace your whole body, standing a little taller. “That you love me.”

“That I-“ Dean’s eyes narrow, and you’ve never been on the receiving end on your own glare. It’s more violent than you’d imagined, and his dick is twitching again. “What the hell did Sammy say to you-“

“Don’t blame Sam.” You snap. “Answer me.”

“You didn’t ask a freakin’ question, sweetheart-“

“Yes. I did.” You lean down a little, holding Dean’s gaze. “Were you ever going to tell me you’re in love with me.”

Dean stares at you, and you think he’s going to deny it. That he’ll grunt that you’ve had this conversation before, and he doesn’t love you. That he doesn’t know what the hell you’re talking about, and whatever Sam said was a joke. Just a prank, and you need to focus on fixing this body swap instead of your feelings.

What he does is worse. 

He shakes his head, refuses to meet your eyes, and pushes his words through his teeth.

“You were never supposed to know.” He mutters. “It was for your own good-“

“Shut the fuck up, Dean!” Your voice is a roar, and you make yourself flinch, but Dean doesn’t.

He’s in your body. 

You never flinch when Dean shouts, because you know he’d never actually hurt you-

You’re going to start fucking crying. You probably already would have, if it didn’t feel like an effort in Dean’s body.

“You- You broke my heart.” You glare at him, your voice half between a hiss and a whisper. “You told me you’d never seen me that way, and you apologized. You said you didn’t want me. You told me the feeling would pass, and then you fucking stopped it-“ Your voice raises, and you stand a little taller. You can be shattered and furious. You can be a fucking storm of glass to break and carve into Dean the same way he did to you, because how could he do this to you. “You fucking stopped me from moving on! You cockblocked me, and you got angry whenever I’d go out without you, and you kept touching me and acting like everything was fine-“

Dean says your name slowly, and you can hear the regret in his voice, but you don’t care. This hurts, this hurts so much worse than before because you’d felt insane, you’d driven yourself mad with love for Dean and he’d just tightened the straitjacket and acted like you’d find a cure for this when he’d been actively keeping it from you-

“Why the fuck would you do this?! Do you hate me? Am I really that horrible that you can’t stand the idea of being in love with me-“

“It’s not you.” Dean snaps your name, shaking his head. “It’s- I was keeping you fucking safe-“

“Fuck off-“

“No!” His voice—your voice—is trying to mimic your own shout, and it’s not really working in his favor. “You- you don’t fucking get it, sweetheart, if I let us do that, let us be that, you’d have a target on your back, every son of a bitch in hell and heaven would use you and hurt you, just to get to me-“

“I’m not stupid! I know what the risks are just associating with Winchesters, and I don’t care.” You rub your face, and everything hurts. You feel like you’re choking on the air, and you can’t be here. “I didn’t care, Dean, I just wanted you.”

“You would’ve cared.” His voice—your voice—is bitter. Hollow. Resolved. “When you were being tortured and murdered, you would’ve cared. And I would’ve had to live with it. With the fact that I lost you-“

“You wouldn’t have lost me, Dean.” You fish the keys to the Impala out of your pocket, and toss them to him with his phone. “You never would’ve lost me, if you’d actually fucking tried.”

It would be kinder to let him get in a word, or a protest, or even a sort of apology. But everything hurts, and you really can’t fucking stay here or you’ll rip off your skin—Dean’s skin—and beat in your own skull with your hands. 

Your real skull—holding Dean’s mind—with how raw and furious this pain is, or Dean’s real skull with self-inflicted pain.

And that’s why you’re past kindness. You’ve been shot and choked and stabbed and sliced to pieces, but this is the worst pain you’ve ever know. He was never supposed to hurt you. You’d always trusted that this huge lunk of a body would never hurt you.

But you hadn’t counted on Dean, and how he’d been willing to risk your of peace of mind for his misguided, self-sacrificing martyr bullshit.

You’d always tried to tell him that you didn’t want him to sacrifice for you. That him staying with you meant more than him leaving you alive, but alone.

And he’d never listened.

So now you’re walking away.

Dean will be fine. He’ll get your body safely back to the bunker, tell Sam everything that happened, and figure out how to justify this to himself.

Sam will make sure nothing happens to your body until this gets fixed. And you’ll take care of Dean’s body by yourself, far away from Kansas, hiding in a shitty little harbor town until you work this out.

Alone.

Just like Dean had wanted.

For a long week, time drags to a crawl. You hole in a motel room with a laptop, coffee and vodka—you don’t really care which on you’re drinking when your go for a glass, just as long as it’s one of them—about half of a gas station’s junk food supply, and the local library’s entire collection of books of cult, myth, and lore.

The motel is dusty and warm, and the nights are horrible and cold, but this is what you needed. You stop running into doorways and hitting your head on things, and you figure out how to sleep comfortably in his body. You learn how to go to the bathroom and barely touch or think about what you’re doing, how to not get weirded out when the same face you see in your dreams is the same one that greets you in the mirror.

And you miss him. A lot.

But your fury is stronger than the ache for him to return to your side. And there’s a slightly fucked up comfort to being trapped in his body. You can watch the hands you’ve had graphic and detailed dreams about sort through papers, and you can bite your lips and understand what that sensation would do to Dean’s body.

You never cross that line. Dean’s cock will call itself to attention at random time, and you’ll just ignore it, no matter how demanding it feels. 

You’re getting really good at ignoring things.

Calls. Texts. Voicemail after voicemail from Sam and Dean. You listen to one or two, just to check—they’re fine, just angry you’ve vanished and demanding to know where you are—and delete all the rest. Sam gives up after a few days, when you respond to his email about Eurasian body swapping lore with a list of your own working theories. 

You think he’s just happy to know you’re alive.

This doesn’t seem to be the case for Dean. 

He doesn’t stop trying to get you to pick up the phone. His voicemails get longer and longer, and his texts come more and more frequently, and the only thing that save him from being blocked is that you still love him.

You’d meant what you said. Dean would never lose you, not really. You’re just certain that if you talk to him or see him he’ll try to explain himself, and you don’t want an explanation. You just fucking want him, and as long as he’s going to keep pretending that’s something he can’t give you, he doesn’t get to have you at all. 

So you keep the door locked, keep your phone on silent, and just fucking work until you fix this. 

And when you do, you don’t bother with a warning. You find the exact curse, work out the ritual for reversal, and do it. 

The world blur, your head spins and Dean’s body seizes like it’s been struck by lightning, and that’s it.

You’re in the bunker library, lying on the floor as Sam hovers over you, and it’s over.

“Dean, what the-“ Sam jostles you slightly, and a little vomit shoots up your throat. After effects. “Dean-“

“Not Dean.” You mumble your own name, shoving Sam’s hands away from your face and pushing yourself upright. “I fixed it.”

“You-“ Sam shakes his head, scanning over you with a frown. “You fixed it?”

“Obviously.” You rub your temple, your head pounding and everything far too bright. “Dean’ll be in Sekiu, Washington.”

“Why-“

“Because that’s where I was-“

“I know that.” Sam snaps, giving you a glare. “Why are you telling me. You’re the one going to get him.”

You roll your eyes. “No, I’m-“

“You are.” Sam’s making a stern bitch-face. He’s about to get punched. “Because either you act like an adult and go talk to Dean, or he stays in Washington until you grow up.”

“Until I-“ You give Sam a look of pure disbelief. “He’s the one who lied to me! Why do I have to grow up-“

“Because it’s Dean. You know he wasn’t trying to hurt you-“

“But he did.” You rub your arms for comfort, and God, it’s nice to be back in your own body. You know where to pinch your own skin to keep your head right, and you can cross your legs without any discomfort, shielding your face from Sam by bowing your head and letting your hair take care of the rest. “He was just going to let me think he didn’t love me, that he didn’t care-“

“You know he cared.” Sam says, his voice still firm, but a little more gentle. “He does care. He spent the whole week trying to figure out how to fix this, and when I told him to stop calling you he told me to shove it, because he needed to work this out. He’s just-“ Sam sighs. “He’s Dean.”

“I know.” You chew on your lips, frowning at the floor. “But it’s- It wasn’t fair, Sam. It was mean. It- I don’t feel loved. I just feel like he didn’t love me- didn’t want me enough to do something about it.”

“Okay.” Sam shrugs. “Tell him that. Or just kick his ass, because he deserves it, or make out with him. I don’t care, as long you go pick up Dean, and I get my week off.”

You give him a flat look. “You just want your secret spa time-“

“Yeah, I do. Get out.”

“But-“

“You get to drive the Impala again. The keys are in your pocket.”

Your hand flies to your jeans, and they are. And Sam’s right, you do have to work this out somehow. If you leave the bunker, you’ll be abandoning the secret cat to Sam, and it’ll die within the week.

So you’re either kill Dean or-

You don’t let yourself think of the alternative. You’ve trained yourself not to. 

But it doesn’t stop the spark of hope in your chest when you start Baby’s engine, take a long breath, and head out to go get Dean.

End Note: Sam I hope you have a wonderful secret spa day, you've earned it my king.

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[bonefall]

Is there beef with the Holstein cows and you or what was that joke lol

It's kind of wild It's just never come up on this blog before, but I HATE holsteins. Bottom 10 cow breeds for me. I hate how they're so common they account for the majority of milk produced. I hate that they're the "default" cow to the point where some don't even know cattle HAVE other colors. I hate their tiny horns (IF THEY EVEN HAVE THAT. LOSER ASS HORNLESS COW) and their painfully massive udders.

Legit I'm trying so hard to not launch into a No Mouth Must Scream style AM speech-- shoot my hand slipped.

(AM speech about why i dont like holsteins below the cut)

For starters, I have to give a brief lesson on what these terms mean; the "Holstein" is the American strain of the "Frisian" breed. Frisians are an ancient breed from Frisia, in the north of what we now consider the Netherlands. Crosses between the breeds are "Holstein-Frisians."

(There’s even more to this but im keeping it as simple as possible. Also one of my friends is Frisian and she is probably going to kill me for describing it like that.)

Historically, livestock was adapted to the environment they lived in. Frisians were bred by the Frisii people for hundreds of years in extremely grass-rich, lush, flat environments. The "polders" of the northern parts of the Netherlands. They're huge and eat a LOT of food.

Traditional Frisians were developed to produce as much meat and milk from a single individual as possible, without compromising the health of the cattle with constant inbreeding to get quick gains. We are talking about a breed that is over 2000 years old. They had the perfect environment to make The Ultimate Food Cow and by god they did it. I can respect that.

So, take that, drag it across an ocean to a place that does NOT have polders, and add the rapid enshittification of capitalism to it. BAM you've got a fucking holstein.

There is ONE goal for "improving" the holstein. Make More Milk. As long as the black and white milkbag leaks enough, nothing else matters. Health? Fertility? Feed ratio? Ability to not die of infection? WHO CARES. MILK LINE GO UP.

Over 90% of holsteins are inbred to start with, because Milk Line Go Up. To the tune of having an average COI of 8%-- where extreme negative effects (think Hapsburgs) start to crop up around 10%

Holstein bulls are aggressive bastards (many dairy bulls are), so no one wants to keep intact males in their herds, meaning most cows are artificially inseminated

Not being limited by the natural lifespan of a living bull means that the same stud can keep having direct offspring for decades after his death

Toystory the bull had 500,000 calves before he died, and hit over 1 million offspring in 2015. That's ONE animal and to put this in perspective, there are 9 million holsteins in the US.

DON'T WORRY IT GETS WORSE

Not only can 99% of holsteins be traced back to just two bulls-- 99% of male holsteins share one of two exact Y chromosomes with those two bulls.

The gene pool is so small that it's equivalent to about 60 individuals. Warrior Cat allegiances are larger than that. That's barely bigger than modern ThunderClan.

"Massive lack of genetic diversity" does not begin to capture the existential dread of this situation. Mark my words, WATCH, when the Bird Flu finally mutates a strain that rips through a mammalian population, it's gonna be in the USA and it's going to be through our dairy cattle.

This is not prophecy or me laying a curse on the land, this is the natural consequence of basing the stability of US milk production on the equivalent of 9 million clones of two classrooms worth of individuals, and then packing them in close quarters

And we don't have to wait for doomsday for the impacts to be apparent on the cattle themelves

Holstein fertility has also dropped by half since the 1960s when the intensive inbreeding really kicked into high gear

Because their whole body is dedicating all of their resources to milk production, they have a notoriously "bony" frame.

Show judges, however, like this because they think that's a very "feminine" look for a 1600 pound ruminant. Very normal thing to think.

Like. I don't know if i can communicate this to people who don't look at cows a lot (it's not quite as obviously dramatic as a pug skull) but here is a comparison of an "ideal" show holstein and an "unselected" holstein from a herd that's been established as a sort of "control group" for what they looked like back in the 1960s;

The way that the artery on the "modern" cow's belly runs to the udder like a big pink worm freaks me out the most ngl

The udder also bulges out from between the back legs

The show cow is so thin

And then compare these both to a Holstein-Frisian cross who leans more on the Frisian side;

Proper weight, developed legs. Its biggest "problem" is actually just the udder shape-- deep udders, which "hang" low like that, aren't optimal for milk-focused breeds because the higher away from the ground the less chance there is of infection. In that department, the "unselected" holstein clearly outclasses the holstein-frisian.

But it probably won't be surprising to hear that the "show holstein," with its massive, swollen udder, is SUPER prone to infections such as mastitis.

But it is also just more prone to getting sick generally

And, to keep up with these insane demands, holsteins need a TON of food. You aren't going to just turn these things out into a pasture and be done with it. Even its ancestor the Frisian needed premium Dutch polder grass to be such a good cow-- crank that up to 11 with these Monuments to Humanity's Hubrice

The Texas Longhorn developed in semi-feral conditions and can eat a bush to become the best thing in a 10 mile radius. The Scottish Highland was iron-forged in upland moors with a steady diet of turf and rain.

Meanwhile if a Holstein has less than 5 homemade meals a day without poland spring bottled water it will die to death.

And the WORST part? You have to use these if you want to make money in dairy farming. It's WAAY too expensive to just run a suboptimal farm. Their milk isn't great, but they sure do make a lot of it.

...so Holsteins and Holstein-Frisians (and other "super efficient" breeds) have absolutely decimated heritage cattle. The American Milking Devon is a deep reddish brown with gorgeous horns and low maintenance; rare. Randall Linebacks are painted with lines of white speckles down the back and can be used for any purpose; critically endangered. The Niata was a pug-faced cow who could fight jaguars; extinct.

And THAT'S what makes me hate them most of all. I LOVE cows, but whenever I see a reference to one, it's a holstein. It's always boring black and white splotches with big pink udders. They're practically synonymous with "cow" when their homogeniety is actually hiding much cooler breeds from you.

Did you know cows can be tiger-striped?

And that England has its own type of longhorn?

Or that cow horns can twist upwards like an antelope?

And that they can have REALLY LONG ears?

And that they can be blue?

And that's not even getting into some of the cows that have gotten a small crumb of attention lately, such as Highlands, Ankole-Watusi, and Texas Longhorns. There's so many cool cows out there! And they're all really different from holsteins! MOST of them are also a lot healthier and produce tastier milk and meat!

TL;DR yeah i don't like holsteins and I like sniping at them. For reasons both legit and petty.

[wisteria-lodge]

why is Dramione so popular and do you think it's problematic?

I. PROBLEMATIC SHIPS

(scroll down if you just want to read about Dramione)

First thing is, I don't think any ships are problematic.

There are lots of ships I don't *like.* There are ships that squick me, or mischaracterize one of the characters in a way that annoys me, or that I think are boring. But saying something is "problematic" implies that I have an issue with it's existence, and don't think that anyone should ship it ever. And that's just not ever going to be the case for me.

Like okay. I have a really strong dislike of any relationship where Character A is "saving" or "fixing" Character B. (In my head I call them Life Coach ships.) I think that's an unhealthy dynamic that breeds resentment and also doesn't work. You can support people, but in the end they gotta fix themselves. BUT. I'm ALSO aware that fixing/saving the bad boy is power fantasy, and power fantasies are fun, and cathartic, and important. Maybe it's nice to read about Lucius Malfoy or whoever responding to that sort of attention the way you wish your father or partner responded in real life. People are messy, and complicated.

To take an extreme example, I know that some people who've been raped stay away even from sex pollen and fake dating, and others actively seek out non-con, even romanticized non-con, as a way to process and deal. Basically, I think people tend to seek out media that is good for them (or at least comforting) and backspace out of media that actively hurts them. You probably have a second of disgust where you're like, ugh that's a thing? But you're not going to read a whole Snape/Hermione fic if the premise upsets you.

I bring up Snape/Hermione because teacher/student is a huge squick of mine. Doesn't matter if they're both adults, or if it's more of an apprentice thing. It's a scenario and a power dynamic that I do not like. BUT. I understand the appeal. The premise of a lot of Snamione fics is... okay, here's this powerful, intelligent, well-dressed guy who is extremely buttoned up and repressed, who doesn't give anyone the time of day. But there's something about YOU (not your prettier friends/classmates) that gets under his skin, and now he's obsessed, wrapped around your little finger. Oh and he's damaged, so he *needs* you. That's a power fantasy. And like, irl you're generally pretty powerless as a 17 year old girl, especially when interacting with men in positions of authority.

Also, like, historically? A lot of fantasies have operated under the heading of "I know it's wrong, but I still can't resist." The fact that something is wrong, is a societal taboo, well - that's a very easy, safe way to get an adrenaline rush, and up the intensity of the fantasy situation. Even the stuff people always bring up when they talk about problematic ships - underage, incest, slavery au but it's framed like it's hot, idk. They're forbidden societal taboos for really good reasons, but I don't think it's crazy to be interested in the big red button that says DO NOT PUSH.

Like how about this. In my experience, actors who play villains tend to be the sweetest, loveliest people you've ever met in your life. And I've always wondered if it's because they kind of have to unpack all the dark, sticky, destructive, perverse parts of themselves on a fairly regular basis (and then have a good outlet for those same feelings.) Everyone has parts of themselves that are not "nice" and not "proper." I think fiction is a fantastic place to air those out.

II. DRAMIONE

I am absolutely not surprised that Dramione is so popular. First, Hermione gets shipped with everyone - for a long time she was the character everyone projected on, and while that's less the case now... she's still the most important female character, and she's a *good* character. She's intense, and goes a little extreme with the problem solving. She's good at observing people but not great with people. She misses social cues. She's compensating like crazy. That's good (relatable!) stuff.

And Draco? He slots into the worldbuilding in an interesting way, he's got a *great* backstory, he's arch and a little bit of a shit, but he's also sensitive and squeamish about violence. I also think he taps into that "oh shit I was WRONG" feeling that is such an important part of adulthood. Hermione is also just going to be the walking embodiment of that feeling for Draco, so he's going to feel some kind of interesting way about her.

I think Draco is fun to ship with any of the Golden Trio, because they've all got that martyr streak and Draco is a survivor, so they clash in interesting ways and end up balancing each other out. Draco and Hermione especially are both very politically orientated people, so they're a good ship for exploring worldbuilding, wizard world reform, or pureblood politics. I also think Hermione has a feminine, girly side that she feels a little guilty about exploring - and spending five minutes around aesthetic, fashion-conscious Draco is going to give her permission to do that. They both have a streak of practical ruthlessness that I think they would respect in each other. Draco can be... a little lazy, so passionate driven people are good for him. But then I think he would be a nice control for Hermione's workaholic tendencies. Ultimately I think they're actually very compatible.

(also like. Hermione likes quidditch players. and if her crush on Lockhart is anything to go by... she also likes pretty blonde men who dress all snappy.)

[iamthedamndonutdrawcat]

Berlin maradures au????

now listen! berlin hipster modern marauders band au. (i'm sorry this is brutally self-indulgent and may be incomprehensible to anyone outside berlin but i need to put it somewhere) this is a long post, so i put it under the cut. please excuse the word vomit :)

they all go to a grammar school that's a bit too shitty to call itself elite but does anyway. many children of bureaucrats, diplomats etc. that think they're ghetto f.e. James, Sirius and Remus. (Peter is the only normal one tyvm)

the marauders met as classmates in year 5. Remus and Sirius are forced into the school choir. all marauders learn acoustic tradtional instruments but their "band" is actually a soundcloud rap project. James and Peter build BAD beats and Sirius fixes them. they all do enjoy indie/rock and sometimes have jam sessions and do covers. artistic duo Remus & Sirius. intense homoerotic friendship James & Sirius. wolfstar endgame. Sirius curates a spotify account with only extremely niche melancholic rap to impress Remus; actually knows german trash rap by heart. serenades Remus with Ski Aggu "love" songs during Remus' depressive phases.

Sirius and James are third generation immigrants; Sirius turkish on his mother's side, James indian. Sirius family is not necessarily evil, just conservative diplomats with a big pride in tradition & well behaviour; far removed from their own cultural & religious roots in order to integrate into german political structures. however they are homophobic/unaccepting towards Sirius. Sirius grows up in a very german environment, gets misjudged by racist teachers. extremely smart yet often lazy. at school they're permitted to use ipads and chatgpt does his entire course work; he spends his time gaming during class. vape enthusiast although he gets horrible coughing attacks.

Remus's background is very international, somewhat french on Lyall's side and arab roots on mom's side, they met in england and moved to berlin with child Remus. Rip Remus' mom. Remus & Lyall live in a nice old apartment (Altbauwohnung) in berlins Pankow district (lots of families, settled down hipsters, sligh shift into suburban terrain), Lyall is either a lawyer or diplomat, 50/50 works or spends time with his girlfriend. crunchy distant father-son-relationship. but because no ones ever home, Remus constantly has friends (and Sirius) over. Remus has BPD, is in therapy and doing pretty well in his later adolesence. Remus spends lots of time outside, drinking in parks, chilling at friends', or smokes too much weed in his room. unapologetic chain smoker, even in front of Lyall. quiet and shy, makes him seem either rude or mysterious. bookworm & music nerd. nokia + ipod combo instead of smartphone because he doesn't want screen addiction or be too reachable. vape hater, point of argument with sirius.

accidental wolfstar public outing after Sirius drunkenly performs an Ikkimel song at a party and then throws himself at Remus (they don't really gaf anymore). For Halloween they dress up as a Cigarette and a Beer (Sternburger Export).

James watches german meme compilations every night and knows them by heart. Footie enthusiast with Sirius, drags the marauders to big games where they almost get trampled. extreme alman energy (aka white german energy, upstuck, snobbish and happily embarassing, taking part in typical german shenanigans) just like Sirius, except Sirius tries to hide it and James can deal with the jokes at his expense. James was a tv addict as a child. James & Sirius friendship began over a shared interest in anime.

Peter is the token german kid. Fridays for future gave him a bad conscience and all the marauders joined him in the demonstrations to get out of class. Extreme stoner, at least bi-weekly sessions with Remus. also i like the art kid peter hc so i'm stealing it. art kid peter who draws cartoons of his friends.

Lily & Severus live in the inner city Wedding district, rougher than the outer parts where Sirius & James live. Lily & Remus bff duo. (ik this is very boy centric, i have yet to dig deeper into my headcanons for the girls)

.

i have a lot of music associations, but they actually are nice songs so idc here they are...

songs to illustrate the vibes: Nachts wach by makko, Rasenschach by Filow, FUSSBALLMÄNNER by Ikkimel, Wenn du tanzt by Von Wegen Lisbeth

Remus coded songs: Marlboro Mann by Romano, Goldener Reiter by Joachim Witt, Ziemlich Verplant by Skinny Dazed (!!!), Alt sein by Pisse

Sirius coded songs: BIKINI GRELL by Ikkimel, Immer nur da by Fynn Kliemann, Klebstoff by Mine (extreme black brother angst vibes), Findelkind by Mine (i could make a whole seperate post on how wolfstar-coded Mine's & Fynn Kliemann's discographies are)

James coded songs: Haus am See by Peter Fox, Verschwende deine Zeit by Edwin Rosen (prongsfoot vibes imo)

Peter coded songs: Alles Gute by Faber, Bongzimmer by SXTN

[arcane-ish]

Oil & Water, cupcake

I was rewatching the "Vi in front of the council" scene from season 1 of Arcane. And it's just super funny to me. So the setup is:

Caitlyn: Silco is the big baddie of the undercity. The only reason why you didn't know was because Marcus was lying to you. Jayce: is upset about the bridge attack. He wants to go after Jinx with violent force. Mel: That could trigger war, war is bad. Caitlyn: is worried about the casualties. Mel: wants to negotiate with Silco now that they know what he wants.

Vi is outraged that they want to negotiate with Silco and storms off.

She then has her big oil and water conversation with Caitlyn about how Piltover and Zaun are like Oil and Water and they can never work together just like Caitlyn and Vi can never work out, making Caitlyn cry.

... and then the first thing Vi does is NOT to go back to the undercity. Nope. After just rejecting Caitlyn's offer to come up with a new plan together, Vi goes to Jayce, a different Piltie.

1.) It just intensely amuses me that after like 3 sentences of Jayce Vi immediately recognized him a kindred spirit who she could easily rope into a violent revenge plan. Against the stated wishes of both their girlfriends.

2.) I wasn't really deep into CaitVi discourse in season 1, so I wonder, did we talk about how Vi's speech about oil and water is complete bullshit? And I don't mean that in a meta way, I mean this as: Vi is bullshitting Caitlyn? Yes, I get blabla, Vi is feeling down, she's pushing Cait away. But actually from what is going on on a pure action point of view, Vi is telling Cait Pilties and Zaunites can't work out and then immediately turns around and teams up with a different Piltie to fight fellow Zaunite Silco together?

Like the problem was never that Vi is disappointed that the council didn't help her or that she doesn't think the relationship with Cait can work out. The real "problem" is here that Vi thinks Cait is too kind hearted and cares too much about collateral damage. (which, you know, is deeply ironic considering season 2...)

In that sense, the Oil and Water convo has shades of Vi ditching Caitlyn at the brothel. Deciving and distracting Caitlyn so she can do her own thing.

Vi wants to go after Silco at all costs. Mel is worried that going down after him will trigger all out war. Cait is worried that innocents will get hurt. Vi cares about neither of those things. She is deeply upset at the thought that the council might try to negotiate with Silco.

So she goes after Jayce because Jayce wanted to do the same things as her "We've been talking about talking for weeks now. They're still cleaning the blood off the bridge. When do we say enough is enough?"

I think it's worth noting how masterfully Vi manipulates the shit out of Jayce here. Praising him for being smart, telling him he is a victim (aka insiutating that he's allowed to strike back), suggesting that Cait would want him to strike when we know that is a total lie. [note that I don't think that is a bad thing, like I love Vander and think he likely has his own way of using charisma and I love Silco of course]

Another interesting thing of the council scene of course is that it already shows shades of "Vi thinks Poweder and Jinx are two different people and she's okay with selling out Jinx". That's why she gives Jinx's name to the council. That's why she tells Cait in season 2 that it's okay to take the shot on Jinx.

I think it's also worth noting just how many Zaunites Vi murderizes/helps murderize with the help of enforcers in the factory raid. Beyond just the kid.

And how many more people including children she likely helps send to Stilwater

after just complaining to Jayce how bad Stilwater is.

And after getting tons of Zaunites killed and arrested in her quest for revenge because she is mad that Silco "ruined" Powder, the first thing Vi wants to do is do more raid, kill and arrest even more people.

I want to shout this from the roottops: VI DOES NOT HAVE A SYSTEMIC VIEW ON OPPRESSION. Vi does not give a shit about the undercity people when it comes to pursing her own family goals.

I think it's interesting in the context of season 2, how these threads continue for Vi. Again similarity with Vi giving Jinx's name to the council in 1x08 versus saying she's in favor of killing Jinx at the beginning of season 2.

And how she's willing to carve a bloody path through the undercity with the help of enforcers just to hurt Silco and dismantle his shimmer production. (again at this point it was explicitly stated in the council scene that Silco's core goal is the Nation of Zaun, so Vi knows this and is apparently not impressed) So is her willing to take out the rest of the Chem Barons using the Grey really that different? The only difference is that Caitlyn makes her formally wear the uniform.

It's also interesting to read this in the context of the progression of Caitlyn and Vi's relationship. Like if you read Oil and Water not as a tragic breakup but as Vi lying to Caitlyn because she sees Caitlyn as being in the way of Vi's quest for revenge. Vi ditching Cait and feeling bad or not bad about it is a theme in season 1. It leads to Cait being kidnapped and Cait's mom being killed.

I can see how this leads to Vi's guilt. I don't really see the "family dinner scene" as necessarily "Vi is already deeply in love with Cait and so can't bear to see Jinx hurt her". But more as "Vi sees Cait as a relatively well meaning innocent who doesn't deserve this treatment and also Jinx is acting kind of unhinged".

Cait got Vi out of Stillwater, tagged along, Vi tried to ditch her, Cait saved her from being killed, Cait healed her, Cait got kidnapped by the Firelights, Cait tried to make things right via the council, Vi again tried to ditch Cait and started an ill fated revenge. And then Vi gets a front row seat for Cait's grief over her mom.

This is of course where in season 2 Cait starts showing obsessive and vengeful tendencies and a more prejudiced attitude towards Zaunites.

It's also interesting in how far the season 2 raids continue the threads of 1x08, on one hand Caitlyn still talking about avoiding additional bloodshed, but also it being a continuation of Vi's bloody "dismantle Shimmer" operation (that maybe ends up going too far/veering into the wrong direction).

So the question is when and Vi actually falls for Caitlyn. My personal take as a more casual/occasional CaitVi enjoying person who was never deep in the fandom.

I think Vi saw Caitlyn was hot but basically thought from the start that anything there was a bad idea. Plus she was distracted by her family goals.

I think Caitlyn had feelings very quickly, probably starting to blossom around the "I can tell you have a good heart".

I do think there's an element there of Vi seeing Caitlyn as this well meaning sheltered good thing, the one bright spot. Again especially since imo she's respulsed by Zaun and how much it has changed on her. And yes it's super frustrating that her not feeling attached to Zaun, not seeing the beauty in Zaun seems to include Ekko. Like she is clearly admiring the tree and everything, but her thirst for revenge against Silco is stronger. It seems to me like she still lumps Ekko in with the people who have changed on her and who she doesn't fully recognize and feel at home with.

I think there's some guilt there for having "dirtied up" Cait's life. (again once more: Vi doesn't have a systemic view enough to see Cait as inherently dirtly for being an oppressor of fully grasping that maybe Cait finds it easier to be optimistic and sweet and kind because she grew up cozily, imo she just sees a kindness that she's drawn to and maybe doesn't fully understand)

I'm curious if there was ever any thinking on Amanda's side that turning Cait dark would be an interesting challenge to Vi falling for Cait for her kindness but also Vi discounting/wanting to exclude Caitlyn from certain things maybe with the idea of "Cait is too kind for that, I should go behind her back".

For the record, I don't think that Vi's motivation is just "being pissy that Silco stole Powder or that Silco killed Vander and now rules in his stead". I do think she does on some level see the plight of the undercity, and her analysis/conclusion that Shimmer is at fault for everything just happens to be very shallow. (again repeat after me: VI DOES NOT HAVE A SYSTEMIC VIEW ON THE WORLD

Stop pretending she was an enlightened Marxist/leftist in season 1 when she spent a good chunk of season 1 being very much the opposite of that and blaming Silco while comparatively making excuses for Piltover)

[astrolovecosmos]

~Zodiac Signs as "Mean Girls"~

Aries: She's going to be mean straight to your face with brutal and blunt insults or comments. An Aries mean girl uses her temper to get what she wants. She is a bold, trendsetting queen who struts through the halls like she owns the universe, tossing out zingers as effortlessly as she flips her hair. She won't back down and isn't afraid to get in your face.

Taurus: This mean girl is going to use her wealth or status to get what she wants and she acts...believes she is better than everyone else. Some may be direct with their privilege while others are passive aggressive with it - "oh you've never...." She may be a mix of old-school glamour and rooted stubbornness. She's not one to shout her opinions; she lets her taste, her confidence, and status do the talking. People can certainly dislike her but many are envious of her, and some do truly admire her. She may have a loyal following while she is on top, a vicious clique. But the lack of loyalty or betrayal her meanness may cultivate will always be a kick in the face for her.

Gemini: Is a verbal assassin. She teases and mocks, loves to make you look or feel dumb. She's also a sweet talker, persuasive, clever, and sneaky. One minute she's dishing out compliments like confetti and the next, she is slipping in that perfectly timed, double-edged remark. She has an unpleasant side as well as a bewitching side. She is unpredictable, keeps people on their toes, a social manipulator, and uses gossip and information as her weapon or tool.

Cancer: This mean girl has all sorts of personal beef. A mean girl usually to her friends, partners, or family members. Her jealousy and insecurities can get the best of her but she makes it everyone else's problem. Master manipulator, she sends the passive-aggressive texts and uses the side-eye. She can be vengeful and her drama will be surprisingly theatrical and unforgettable.

Leo: The queen, diva, the boss. Her meanness gives her attention and/or power. Confident, cocky, has style or her own look, and she owns any room she walks into. She may be intimidating, impressive, or influential. She calls others out, can be confrontational, is competitive and her insults are fire. She does not shrink away from the spotlight, responsibility, or a challenge.

Virgo: She is a snobbish mean girl. Perfectionist and harshly critical, she judges everyone and everyone knows it. She is good at pointing out other's flaws, dishes out clever or effortless shade, and it may seem impossible to tear her down. She doesn't play fair and could have a passive-aggressive side but usually her methods and aggression is in the realm of intellect, arguing, and barely-disguised insults or "honest feedback". A Virgo mean girl has receipts which makes her an unexpected force.

Libra: Is the mean girl you never saw coming. Your friend or teammate until they're ready to flip the switch. Deceiving, charming, persuasive, she is an iron fist in a velvet glove. She manipulates socially, is evasive, but can stand her ground in a debate or intellectual conflict. She may be the "everyone likes her but you" type or is adored and praised for her bad attitude, competitiveness, or crazy takes.

Scorpio: A mean girl who likely is good at hiding from a certain demographic - partners, friends, parents, teachers, etc. They tend to have a good grip on managing their reputation with one group but doesn't hesitate to put down, intimidate, or make fun of another group. She is manipulative, intense, magnetic, and always knows what to say to make things stick or hurt. With a blend of seductive charm and thoughtful intellect, Scorpio doesn't just sit on the sidelines; she reigns as the queen of covert comebacks and crazy paybacks, ensuring that in her realm, drama is always in her favor.

Sagittarius: She's brutally honest and says what's on her mind at all times. Is she really a "mean girl" or just a rude person? Mischievous, competitive, and knows how to get under other's skin. The type to call your bluff or dare you to do something. She has a rebellious nature and may act too cool for everyone. Can swing from being unapproachable to the life of the party. She can have a mean-streak or be surprisingly spiteful.

Capricorn: Runs the show. She is calculating with her moves, friendships, partnerships, and gossip. She is self-controlled but you will known when she gets irritated. Can be materialistic and uses her status or wealth to get what she wants. Condescending and judgmental. Lets very few into her inner circle.

Aquarius: Uses their shiny intellect and/or people skills to get their way. They also like to show off these skills. She is very rebellious and independent. A mean girl, but also maybe a "cool girl". May be more of an anti-hero, nonconforming outsider, a rough around the edges person. Detached and maybe apathetic.

Pisces: May be the meanest to her lovers, crushes, or those into her, says whatever people want to hear, she is a chameleon meanie, the "liked by everyone but you" type. Manipulative and petty. Her moves are playing the victim or pretending to be your friend/helper. She can be hard to stand up to and/or figure out.

*not to be taken seriously, or even as a way to look at a sign's flaws.

[randomfoggytiger]

The X-Files: Did Mulder Want Scully to Leave in Requiem?

(Excerpt from a larger meta post.)

Mulder and Scully have an important-- albeit ambiguous-- discussion in his Bellefleur motel room. Quoting from this transcript:

MULDER: It's not worth it, Scully.

SCULLY: What?

MULDER: I want you to go home.

SCULLY: Oh, Mulder, I'm going to be fine.

MULDER: No, I've been thinking about it. Looking at you tonight, holding that baby... knowing everything that's been taken away from you. A chance for motherhood and your health and that baby. I think that... I don't know, maybe they're right.

SCULLY: Who's right?

MULDER: The FBI. Maybe what they say is true, though for all the wrong reasons. It's the personal costs that are too high.

MULDER: There's so much more you need to do with your life. There's so much more than this.

MULDER: There has to be an end, Scully.

In Requiem's script, Mulder's concerns are highlighted clearly and Scully's reactions are more physically engaged and questioning:

There's important interplay here. Scully and Mulder are both concerned about her health; and, while the script writes that she downplays her struggles-- only to internalize them later-- the episode amplifies Scully's anxiety: when he puts forward the idea that she's suffered enough, she doesn't outright disagree. Further, they both have no idea what she's suffering from-- "Why is this happening to me?"-- and fear it's connected to her former abductions. When Billy Miles disappears, Mulder packs up and takes them home, effectively abandoning the case with barely any notice: Scully's safety, he is proving, trumps the files-- trumps his own wishes and fears and needs.

all things resolved what had been brewing in Scully's heart since Never Again-- a fear and frustration she succinctly repackaged in her pointed Biogenesis question: "Mulder... look, after all you've done, after all you've uncovered-- a conspiracy of men doing human experiments, men who are all now dead-- you exposed their secrets. I mean, you've won. What more could you possibly hope to do or to find?" Scully made her peace: the x-files was still Mulder's passion and pursuit; and she chose to stay the course because she wanted a life with him. She was-- they were-- content.

...But. There's always a 'but'. The basement isn't end game for either Mulder or Scully-- not really. Chris Carter to this day maintains he has a vision of their final moment on-screen-- a vision he tries to bring to fruition but can't fully realize due to his aspirations (to be discussed below)-- of them together, victorious. Mulder was meant to find his closure (post here), Scully was meant to find her voice (post here), and they were meant to find the Truth in each other and leave the world to chase its own tail in futility. As Frank Spotnitz famously declared,

"You can't get the truth. You can't. There's a larger truth, though: that you can't harness the forces of the cosmos, but you may find somebody else. You may find another human being. That may be kind of corny and all of that, but that's really it: Love is the only truth we can hope to know, as human beings."

Circling back to the original topic: what did Mulder mean in Bellefleur? Did he mean Scully and he should leave together? Did he mean they needed a healthier work-life balance? Did he mean to go it alone from now on in order to keep his partner safe? Had he wanted Scully to simply verbalize her own thoughts? Had he even reached a substantial conclusion?

Tom Kessenich makes some good points in his book EXaminations:

"The Pilot:" To look at how this relationship has evolved, we obviously have to go back to where it all began. ...I believe the scene in Mulder's hotel room in Oregon is the one that truly laid the foundation for this relationship. Not only are we given insight into Mulder's quest, but Scully is enthralled as well. She (and we the viewer) can feel Mulder's passion for his beliefs, and the intensity with which he relays the mission he is on is seductive. In fact, you could say Scully is seduced by Mulder's words and the powerful way Mulder intently describes his past, present and where he believes his future is headed. In that instant, Scully is hooked. And so are we.

"Fight the Future:" ...Scully is wracked with self-doubt, questioning her place alongside Mulder, convinced she is yet another obstacle in his dogged pursuit of the truth. Mulder's response is crucial. For the first time, he extends the nature of their relationship beyond the aspect of trust. When he tells her that she has made him a whole person, he is pulling Scully inside him, filling the gaping hole created the night his sister was abducted, the night Mulder lost a part of himself as well. Mulder can't go on without Scully because she has become as essential as "the truth" had always been. The elusive truth was the fuel that drove Mulder's quest. But Scully had now provided the soul he needed to not only persevere, but to survive.

"Requiem:" Much of this episode is about looking to the future while feeling the past nipping at Mulder and Scully's heels. From an FBI audit which threatens the future of The X-Files to, more importantly, the progression of the Mulder-Scully relationship, it's clear a new chapter is being written. Mulder seems resolved to move to another place in his life. He wants something more for Scully, something more for himself and his growing relationship with Scully symbolizes the change in his life. He is prepared to move forward, but before he can, he believes he must put an end to the past that had driven him for so long. The irony of Mulder's abduction is that it came at the precise moment in his life when he no longer needed it or was driven to embrace it. His "quest" no longer sustained him entirely.

Requiem, then, was the final gasp of their old existence.

I believe Mulder senses something is changing-- the same sense that led him to predict "A change for us, it's coming" in Tooms. This same sense alerts him to the FBI's looming intent to close the files and leads him back to Oregon seven years later.

Where I differ from Tom: I don't believe Mulder was ready to let go. He is dispirited after the audit, knowing the Powers That Be are looking for a way to shut him (and Scully) down. The phone call from Bellefleur perks him back up because it was proof there is still work to be done. That hope morphs into regret when he sees Scully cuddling a baby-- the truth is a never-ending line that will swallow them whole, he realizes-- then fear when Scully becomes ill at the motel; then terrified resolve when she collapses in the forest.

As Mulder said in Fight the Future, "They call me Spooky. Spooky Mulder, whose sister was abducted by aliens when he was just a kid and who now chases after little green men with a badge and a gun, shouting to the heavens or to anyone who will listen that the fix is in, that the sky is falling...." Two years later, no one listened-- still, there are aliens conniving and scheming as he howls at the moon. But FTF taught him he can't do "this" without Scully-- that he'd rather she "go be a doctor" than live in a world without her.

I believe his fears in Fight the Future are the same in Requiem: that Mulder thinks Scully should "go be a doctor" for her sake yet doesn't want to lose her, or the connection of their partnership, either. I believe Mulder is still struggling to let go of the files, even after his sister's closure-- and that he ignores multiple signs to let the truth be and live his life on this planet with Scully (and their unknown baby.) I believe that struggle lures him into the jaws of captivity and face-first into the darkness of death. And, I believe, he has to learn to let go after his resurrection: not because he's afraid to reenter life (Three Words, post here), not because he's forced out (Vienen), and not because he's turning away from his true nature to avoid the pain of losing that connection (Alone.)

CONCLUSION

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy!

[bakugo-reader-yn]

✨️Twinkling Stars✨️

Part 2:

"Did you bring your maths notebook?" Bakugo asked as soon as y/n entered.

"Yes, but I don't understand anything..You choose the worst subject to start with." y/n said scratching her head.

Bakugo just smirked. "I'm never wrong. You'll know soon enough."

y/n blinked and looked at him being all cocky, but the only thing she could think of was his pretty little smirk. It was as if God took his sweet time to sculpt him. 'So pretty, I can die in his crimson red eyes..hmm'.

"Are you having a stroke?"

"Oh!! No, so what were you saying?"

Bakugo sighed and explained again, "I'll start with the first chapter and explain the concept and formulas. I'll just solve ONE question and you'll solve the others. Clear?"

"Mmhmm..yes"

Bakugo started teaching her everyday from six to seven and then went to have some dinner. Tutoring was smoothly induced in his everyday routine and to everyone's shock there was no screaming, shouting or scolding sounds from his dorm for the entire duration.

It came as a shock to y/n at first too but she just shrugged it off, saying he just wanted to get it over with as soon as he can.

"Ahh, I'm so tired." y/n sighed.

"Today's training was intense. Fighting with pro heroes is really a challenge." midoriya agreed.

"I'm sleepy but I have my lesson with bakugo."

"He must be tired too. Tell him to take a break today."

Bakugo's room:

"Can I not study today? I'm so tired." y/n pouted.

"Sit." Bakugo raised his eyebrows to see if y/n protested any further.

"Fine. But I'm not sitting on the mat." y/n sat on his bed and just smiled sweetly. Bakugo was sitting on the floor mat with a study table, and he just rubbed his temple.

Anyone else who sees this smile might think she's the greatest sweetheart, but bakugo had learned her habits, and he knew this was her irritated smile. So instead of saying anything more he just started teaching. After 10 minutes, he stopped.

"You can solve this equation and leave. Enough for today, I guess."

"Really?" Her eyes sparkled.

He just rolled his eyes and started tidying the table. After a few minutes he scrunched his eyebrows, 'Why is it so quiet?!' He turned around.

"Curls?" Nothing.

"Hey y/n" Still nothing. 'Damn, she really slept' he just looked around, 'What am I supposed to do now?'

After some intense thinking, he took his blanket and covered her with it. He just stared at her for a while, her long eyelashes, pretty crimson hair and plump cheeks were enough to draw him towards her. On top of that, she was bearable by bakugo's standards. And she smelt like vanilla, which drove him crazy. 'I hate how good you smell' he smiled to himself. He blinked and came to his senses. It was as if he was shocked by his own thoughts.

"God, I'm so tired, I guess I'll sleep on the floor." He took out a bedding and slept right next to the bed on the floor. He saw few strands of her hair hanging from the side of the bed and he let his inner demons win.

He started curling her hair with his fingers. 'They're so soft and pretty', "Good night curls".

To be continued : Part 3 coming soon.

Part 1

[super-clark]

Clark listened carefully, his brow furrowed slightly as Bruce spoke, each word laced with tension. When Bruce mentioned not being willing to come out to anyone but his closest, Clark's gaze softened. He was just about to say something - Just like your secrets. That stung a little. It wasn’t a slight against him, not really. It was the truth.

"I get it," Clark muttered softly, with the quiet intensity of someone who had learned long ago to speak in ways that didn’t disturb the stillness. His tone was laced with a slight sense of defeat. "I'll stop preaching at you." The words hung heavy between them. He glanced sideways at Bruce, noting how his shoulders seemed a little less rigid, how he had relaxed slightly into the previous touch. It wasn’t much, but it was something.

"About your... orientation, about Selina," Clark’s voice trailed off. "I just need you to know that it's okay to not have everything figured out yet. It's okay to not have anything figured out yet."

There was a pause. Clark’s gaze shifting to the gardens below, letting the silence speak for itself. His thoughts drifted to his own experience - Superman, hiding behind the mask of Clark Kent. Or perhaps it was the other way around? A mix of both? Regardless, Clark knew that feeling well. The fear of rejection, of being judged for something so intrinsic to who you were.

Clark ate food even though he didn't need to, just to fit in. Really, who was he to lecture anybody about masks.

"You know, you’ve always been this way," Clark suddenly added, chuckling. "You get laser focused when you're trying to solve a problem. Then you get angry when you can't find the answers quick enough, which pretty much means instantly."

As the chuckle fades, he reaches back to rub his neck. Turning his head he said, "Look... I can’t pretend to know exactly what you’re feeling right now but," voice quieting back down. Clark paused again, gathering his thoughts. "it's going to be okay. Now I know-" He raised his hands in mock surrender before Bruce could interrupt. "I know that sounds infuriating to you right now but it's true." The next sentance he spoke carefully, as if the words themselves might fall apart in his mouth.

"I'm okay aren't I?" He gave a small, rueful smile. "I vent to you all the time, about my loneliness. Feeling like I don't belong. People not understanding me, and dealing with the fact that the vast majority never ever will, even if they're willing to try. Me... despertely trying to find a way to be human, even when everything around me reminds me that I'm not." Clark sighed, a long, deep breath that seemed to carry the weight of the world with it.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe we don't get to choose our true faces. But if we can't choose them, I don't think we ourselves get to really see them either."

I need to speak with you. Privately. -BTW

Of course Bruce, I’m assuming you’re at home? Be there in a- Right now.

[arcxnumvitae]

Ways they would go about revenge:

An overwhelming and devastating catastrophe of power. Akin to a inexorable natural disaster. Whatever innocents may get caught in its wake are not considered, do not even register to Aur. No, the only thing he would be capable of thinking of is the burning desire to make the other person pay.

Take the pain and turn it into resolve. He'd be the chessmaster-- think (and M.DZS spoilers here I guess) N.ie H.uaisang. He doesn't have to be the one who dealt the final blow. The target of his rage doesn't even have to know that it was him who orchestrated it. None of that matters so long as he gets the front row seat to watch them suffer and fall for daring to cross him.

She's patient, and revenge is a dish best served cold. She doesn't mind waiting months, years until the perfect moment to make the blade sinking into the back of the one who wronged her the most satisfying it could possibly be. Forget the platitudes of "an eye for an eye," revenge is sweet.

Honorable even in his anger and rage. He's the type to immediately challenge the other to a duel to the death, and he truly will fight an honorable duel to the very last breath-- be it theirs or his.

A nightmare made real. Agony taken and tripled, no quadrupled. For as long as he draws breath, he will be hunting down his target. Possibly even after. There is no clever plan or strategic wait, when he is on the tail of the target of his vengeance, he is a pyrrhic maelstrom that will destroy anything and everything in his way. He doesn't care. Why should he care? The only thing that matters in the world anymore at that moment is seeing them at his feet choking on their blood, broken, and screaming for a mercy that will not be granted to them.

A murderous rage without any thought behind it. She is the type to pick up the nearest sharp object and stab. She sees red. And repercussions? She doesn't care she doesn't care she doesn't care--

Methodical and eerily calm. One may think they managed to wrong him and get away with it, but behind his still facade is a man now with nothing left to lose. He's immediately creating his plan to completely annihilate his target and every single thing they hold dear, no matter how innocent. That means nothing to him after all. No taunts, jabs, jeers, or anything can pierce through to him in the midst of his vengeance, for what is there left inside of his to strike now? The only thing he cares about is their death. And he will personally see it through. He's going to kill them. It's not a grand declaration, nor some oath. It's simply a statement of fact.

[aroaceleovaldez]

i am once again thinking about Percy and Annabeth and their respective relationships with their step-parents, particularly how the other views the other's dynamic with their step-parents.

Because there's a really interesting subtle thing that we see which is when Annabeth talks about her step-mom to Percy, Percy's assumption is that Annabeth's step-mom is like Gabe. He just presumes that because that's what's familiar with him and based on his own experiences he assumes their situations are similar.

But then when Percy actually meets Annabeth's step-mom (and her dad) he realizes their situations aren't at all the same. He was expecting another Gabe, but instead he just found a genuinely caring family that was just struggling to find their footing with one another.

The interesting thing is that this implies an inverse - especially with what we know about how Percy and Annabeth describe their experiences. Percy doesn't really talk about Gabe ever. To anyone. Grover knows the whole picture there but he's basically the only one of Percy's friends who does. As far as we know, unless Grover told her at some point, Annabeth doesn't know about Gabe. She knows he was a jerk, but Percy out loud doesn't ever really get into details about it. She knows they didn't get along and eventually Gabe disappeared and Percy basically never spoke of it again. Presumably, Annabeth thinks Percy's dynamic with Gabe was like her dynamic with her step-mom, like how Percy had thought their situations were the same. Especially given we know Percy assumed their situations were the same and likely spoke about it as such if it ever came up.

Like. That's such an interesting tiny aspect of their dynamic that never gets touched upon. Annabeth likely doesn't know about this very core traumatic experience Percy endured before they met because she's operating under the assumption that their family just was a little rocky like hers was.

[gideonisms]

I do get it if I had a beautiful butch I would start fighting off all other girls who liked her and then lobotomize myself so she could live in my brain too. harrow's motivations are so sympathetic even though her methods are. Well.

[sunciv]

noone (and i mean noone) will convince me that this:

wasn't followed by some intense makeout

[sallymew4]

kids when they hear that their dad is back in town VS. kids when theyre hanging out with a conman that accidentally stole their wallet once

im not even joking btw

bonus heres me being crazy about them in dms ^^^

[livinginadumpster]

I saw it pointed out in a german magazine of all places that ghosts being briefly material after coming into contact with iron would make them briefly visible to the average living person and while that should be obvious I just... never considered it before? and now that I have, it brings up so many fascinating possibilities

[skrunksthatwunk]

had a very funny experience where someone rb'd a vaguely ship flavored post of mine with smth like "i love a good bromance" and because i get unjustifiably defensive every time someone uses that term (and also bc i like doing this sometimes) i went to their blog to like snoop around a bit and below a couple of posts of calling them bromanced up in the tags there's fanart of them kissing with tongue and i had to pause bc like. shit my bad there cowboy you're not in homophobic denial you do just genuinely love a good bromance