#they're gonna eat again i just Know
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bleh
#blabbering#rambling/whining/complaining/venting ahead:#I think the horrors have finally caught up to me and the depresso is starting to take hold#i don't usually experience this until winter but I think the sudden drop of activity and people going on hiatus and such -#has triggered this early for me#basically I can't be left alone with my thoughts for too long or i start spiraling REALLY badly.#i don't really handle change very well haha...#i have the notorious curse of second guessing anything and everything and putting it on repeat in my head and then amplifying it#which sucks bc I don't have any more escapisms that work now bc this was already my escapism and I have no human connections irl#(I'm not kidding either. I've failed time and time again to make friends irl and was always the proactive one about it. But alas... ugh)#my only source for connections is online bc i struggle to make friends (especially at my age and how my energy keeps depleting and depletin#might lowkey be sharkweek but usually I just get more agitated and not this (this is very specific to the winter horrors™ for me)#i guess I may as well check out the spears while they're around still (tho in between me making dinner). I'm just feeling super bummed out#and not excited like I was the other day about it (ofc I blame the depresso™).#I don't even know what to do for my beta characters. Head empty. Head gone. sigh.#also it sucks bc next week is gonna kick my ass at work (canada day/july 4th/july in general/5 DAYS and long shifts in there too)#i'm going to be so tired and so alone and with nothing to look forward to. Idk what to do bc none of my usual distractions are effective no#No escape. No seretonin. No company. Nothin'. I notice I when i start getting bad like this when I fall back hard into pokemon#(because it was my childhood escapism and I was a neglected only child who was left alone a lot; hence the connection lol)#i'll probably just have to suffer through it and be an absolute wreck of a person i think. I don't really have any other options#watch me get sick again bc canada sucks to work bc everyone has it off and they ALL GO TO THE STORE I WORK AT AND IT SUCKS.#gonna try to draw more too but the depresso is eating my brain worms (the healthy brain worms)
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I just spent like 20 minutes thinking about soup
#i need to move out!!!!#i love my parents to be clear they're great#i just want to be in charge of my own meals again#it's not that they're bad at feeding me stuff i want to eat it's just we like different things#when it's just me i can make my soup however i want and no one's gonna say anything#Because It's My Soup#i can eat japanese chicken curry for a week straight! no one cares!#i just need to get better at eating vegetables#i want my own kitchen soooo baaad.....#my mom's sensitive to garlic. do you know how much recipes fuck if you add garlic? severely. and i can't if she's gonna eat it#i need my own kitchen so bad so so bad pleeaase#really hoping that i get my degree within like two months#and then i have to. urgh. find a job. but then i find a job and i go there#and i get Paid! money!#and once i have some money in the bank and a long term job i can try and get a flat#and once i have a flat i have my own kitchen i can order stuff online if i want and i can adopt a cat#i can have friends over i can decorate#and if i can swing it i'll be a civil servant#and if i'm lucky enough i can perhaps. give up the next 30 years of my life to a bank so i can own my own flat#god i hope. i fucking hope. i really really want to own#like not for landlord bullshit. just so i don't have to worry about where to go in a year two years five years#i want a civil servant job because that's for life and i would love to do the same thing forever#and i want to own a flat because i could make the space fit my needs and wants perfectly#and i wouldn't have to worry about where to live or old age or whatever#good luck to me finding a well situated 2 bedroom flat in one of the if not the worst city of france in terms of housing :)#but hey i've been lucky in life. maybe it'll keep going#i know what i want early! that's good#i shouldn't have a realisation that i want kids at 30yo or whatever. I Shall Not Become My Mom#ANYWAY i need my own kitchen!!!!!#wow i have a ramble tag now
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They day ppl finally stop telling me "you'll like it after a 1,000 tastes", "just keep trying and you'll get used to the food", "you need to try new foods", etc. etc. will be the happiest day of my life. I'm so sorry I'm not willing to subject myself to years of constant torture and misery for the faint hope I might someday be able to eat one or two more things. I simply don't think stress and throwing up are going to fix my severe lifelong sensory processing issues. I mean all power to those who decide for themselves that's the thing they wanna do, but baby I ain't gonna 'recover' bc there's no 'before' or version of me without these issues so fuck off <3
#personal#arfid#avoidant restrictive food intake disorder#ed#eating disorder#ed tw#it's not like i didn't try :)#when i was younger and my food issues were less severe- GUESS WHAT?!#i did the fucking food therapy! non-stressful well done and executed exposure therapy to an easy food#i did that for YEARS!#and guess what. zero progress!!#it did nothing for me i did not grow used to the food at all and it did absolutely nothing to improve my eating#ages 3-13 i consistently was always doing something and going to doctors and trying new things to help me#and there was never any progress#my arfid has only gotten worse since then and everyone who actually knows me#(doctor therapist friends family and such)#all agree that i'm never gonna 'recover'#if i put in the effort i could expand the foods i regularly eat to reach a balanced diet#there are just enough different foods i can eat that it is possible for me to remain healthy#but due to other problems (such as depression) that's not currently something i'm doing#my goal is to someday be able to eat justtt enough foods of varying types to maintain a healthy diet#that's it. i'm not interested in expanding my diet. i'm not interested in trying new things. none of that is a realistic goal for me#so if ppl could stfu when they don't know me and don't know what they're talking abt that'd be great 😊😊😊#mm i also think ppl rly understimate the amount of food-related trauma you gather simply by having arfid...#again. i wanna reiterate that if expanding your diet n being adventureus is your goal that's completely fine#just do NOT fucking project that onto me and spew shit abt how if YOU can do it I can do it#we are separate people with separate brains and lives and circumstances#rant#vent
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It's amazing how quickly you can make someone turn on your company by making a stupid and insulting move
Force me to go through the front door and scan my card when I have backdoor business that never needed a card before (what? ...I was going to somehow... sneak in and... purchase things with a borrowed card? ...which I totally can't do from the front door after scanning it?)
Or like... twitterify your layout right after your users give you a bunch of money just cause they like you, and then refuse to walk it back
...or all the other things companies do that just kinda piss people off and then they refuse to acknowledge maybe it sucks and is stupid cause "hey, the customers didn't leave"... yeah... yet
#legit; as small as it is it gives me a hint at the direction things will head and that costco will get more and more anti consumer#and I'm in minutes going from an 'I love costco; it's how I afford to eat; go get a cheap pizza'#to 'you know costco is kinda frustrating and annoying and I don't trust their ceo... I'm not sure if it's worth your time and money'#like look back and; tumblr search willing; you'll find posts of me singing costco's praises; literal free advertising#cause while it's not right for everyone; man is it so much cheaper than places like walmart#but... I legit don't know if I can recommend it anymore#for one thing; when I signed up I just spotted the members desk; walked in the backdoor up to the desk; and gave them money#now... what? you gotta ask permission? I feel like there's a chilling effect on wanting to join... at least for my socially anxious ass#and again; I just whiff this as like when games companies add DRM that breaks the game... for people who actually pay for it#they're making me suffer a pain in the ass for no reason cause someone might not be giving them money#and now that person never will give them money... and frankly... if they don't pay the membership but spend $500 how much did you lose?#but like I said; I feel it in the air; that costco will start doing more and more anti consumer stuff#...do I think it's a good idea to join up when they're gonna slowly start turning this corner?#I mentioned that quote by the founder about killing them if they raise the price of the hotdog#but... the fact the founder felt the need to say that to begin with told me something#kinda gotten the impression that the ceo is greedy as hell and wants to drain the consumer (so... a normal ceo)#and this just smacks of netflix/disney#oh... did you hear about disney killing someone with a food allergy despite being told about it multiple times like when the dish arrived?#and now disney is trying to forced arbitrate cause they had a disney+ trial in 2019#you hear about that one? cause that's a real news story; I'll find you an article if you don't believe it#anyway; this smacks of cracking down on password sharing to make up for hypothetical lost revenue#and let me tell you... if I could switch to pirating my groceries I would; I would download eggs#so this doesn't change costco fundamentally; but it does make it feel more hostile and like it doesn't trust me#it makes things feel more adversarial instead of like a partnership where they get me good prices on good things and I give money#and I just wouldn't be surprised if they start doing more things I don't like#things that make things worse... things like raising prices to increase their profit#...makes me want to... work on figuring out how to make everything myself since no company is trustworthy#they'll all turn on you in the end; the moment the wrong person takes charge they'll start to metastasis#towards the cancer of infinite profits#not saying don't go to costco... I'm saying don't get attached if you do; I think they're ready to do what every company does these days
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I'M GETTING MY NIPPLES PIERCED THIS FRIDAY
#i am so so so so so excited to have them pierced and so so so so so scared for the piercing and healing process lmfaooooooooooooooooo#i've wanted them pierced for YEARS but haven't done it bc i either couldn't hack it or couldn't afford it and now i can afford it so.#i'm gonna hack it. it's gonna be fucking ROUGH.#my nips are so goddamn sensitive 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#but if i want them pierced i have to GET them pierced. i can't just magically have healed piercings.#so i'm going for it this winter when I know i won't be swimming since the healing process takes so long.#by the time they're done healing it will JUST be getting warm again!#hopefully. depends how my body handles it.#but if i try really hard to eat my veggies and treat my piercings nicely then i should heal on 6-9 months????? i fuckin hope.#the pain is supposed to be short. very very intense but short.#and well. after my experience with my last iud removal & replacement and then getting an iv recently? yeah. i think i can deal.#we'll see. worst comes to worst i'll chicken out after the first one and have one pierced nipple. and that's fine.#but i'm going to a good piercer at a reputable shop. i trust them.#so the process will SUCK but i'll be fine afterwards.#personal#piercing tw
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the vet called back and the lump we had removed from my dog is cancerous. and they didn't get all the cancer it had already spread. jfc
#cancer tw#death tw#they would have to go in to take part of her jaw#which we don't know if we wanna do bc she is old and#we dont wanna make her uncomfortable#so they said the cancer she does have they're giving her 6 months-1 year#the lump in her mouth may come back in that time and we could get that removed again to make her more comfortable#bc the lump did absolutely hinder her ability to eat which sucked#man this is just fucking insane#i knew my time with her was getting limited#she is 15 - shes gonna be 16 years old in april#but man it sucks when theres like possibly a deadline
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*head in hands* whats the opinion on the yakuza tv series brother
i cant have an opinion on a thing when the thing aint even out yet brother
#snap chats#im lying of course i can#i saw people complaining about the kiryu cast and like. eat rocks he's fine#also i saw more people complain about the fact they're adapting y1 again and like. Eat Rocks LMAO#if they're making a tv series it makes sense to start from the beginning. sins yakuza 0.#LIKE IT MAKES SENSE TO GO IN ORDER do i have faith they'll ACTUALLY go on to adapt y2 of course not#but hell if they're going to give a live-adapt series that's more in-depth compared to the movies and stageplay#then i'll be happy to watch it. again.#plus Genuinely it'd be weird to have a tv series and then skip right to y2 i KNOW people would complain bout the lack of y1 season#so it's a lose-lose situation in that respect#i know the real reason they can't do a y2 adaption is cause they'll never find a dude as yolked nor breasted as ryuji and thats ok#stageplay ryuji was cute but i understand wanting to be more on-the-money this time around take your time rgg ill understand....#could just have a xena moment. bro could be built like wireframe but his presence is what'll sell it yk what i mean#tho... kinda hard to do when he WILL have to be shirtless at some point.... anyways...#im always stoked to see what rgg puts out SO i wonder what the tv series will be like :)#i hope yumi is fleshed out... impossible since she's literally supposed to be missing the entire game but i can dream#I JUST WANNA SEE REINA AGAIN HIGHKEY and shinji....#also who's the dilf thats gonna play kazama.... i have my priorities straight ok#tl;dr im optimistic :) rgg keeps giving me reasons not to jump off a building so LMAO ill take what i can get to keep going
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I think someone should make a timeline of "oh look they're trying to recreate the gender binary using progressive-sounding language again" we've gone through.
these are not in chronological order because I can't be bothered but these are the ones I know, feel free to add any I missed.
female-presenting, male-presenting,
transmasc, transfem,
TME, TMA,
nonman, nonwoman,
just fucking someone should be keeping track of this. And then we can make a game of it and try to guess what new label they're going to slap on the boxes they're desperately trying to shove us into next.
#exorsexism#trans#transgender#nonbinary#transmisia#nonbinary specific oppression#<- it's not but tumblr's stupid and like to eat posts tagged exorsexism because it sucks#enbymisia#ceteromisia#transnonbinary#<- literally coined to say yeah hi. fuck you. we exist. deal with it#no you can't shove us into a binary box.#no you cannot demand we identify as transmasc or transfem or TME or TMA or nonman or nonwoman or whatever#fucking bullshit YOU KNOW they're gonna come up with next#No I am not female-presenting.#No I am not male-presenting.#No my presentation is not masculine just because I'm not wearing makeup and don't wear dresses.#I did not figure out I'm nonbianry only to let myself be shoved into binary boxes all over again jackasses
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cellbit stuck on a costumer service job post prison and having not great therapy and being like ugh. ugh. trying to 'make it up to people' and get better while not disclosing he's done actual murders because he would not be free if he did. He roomed with Felps for a bit but then he found this very cheap place to live in and he just got that job and he knew Felps is not taking him changing seriously and was probably still doing bad shit that could get him in trouble. And he does want to keep having the somehow friendly relationship he has with Pac and Mike now, so.
He goes to check it out, and it's cheap it's very small but he's lived in worse places. If he feels there's something off about the residents and if the meat they cook tastes just like human flesh that's surely his own imagination right? if his hot new neighbour Roier sometimes has an odd look on his face or says strange things that's probably Cellbit projecting that he somehow knows about his past and is seeing right through him, RIGHT?
#sfh AU#WATCH STRANGERS FROM HELL PLS PLS PLS PLS#i thnk pac and mike and cellbit first meet up again bc they run into each other and have a solidarity moment of being runaways who had to#build everything back up and Pac had been feeling guilty about cellbit 'dying' too. and also cellbit had found a baby kitty and was taking#care of it and i think this makes both of them surprised idk there's some kind of richas equivalent that makes them think he is trying.#but anyway i won't derail into those sorry i am celltw at heart always#cellbit being made much worse by the job and then the house#only able to self soothe by having murder fantasies: I'M SO NORMAL I'M SO NORMAL I'M SO NORMAL#evil hot roier: ;)#(prev description applies to the MC of sfh I'm telling you get on this show)#i think the way to do this is that cellbit thinks having people who care for you and comitting atrocities are exclusory (which they are for#normal people)#so in prison he didn't 'want' or need anybody but almost dying made him realize he was lonely and he did want people and he was genuinely#hurt by tazercraft's betrayal etc. but he can't be himself and have that. so he starts to control himself and focus on trying at having a#normal life bc maybe he just never got a chance at it and maybe he'll be happy with it. but he's not fully#and roier's gonna show him you can have a ride or die while still being a serial killer who liks to eat people. love is love etc#they still keep up with tazercraft after. maybe at some point they find out but they get them to see that they're family now and that#Cellbit & Roier wouldn't hurt them specifically which imo I think they'd be ok with mostly#bagi's not in this bc i don't know how to have her there without . her getting hurt. maybe they meet her later after they're a thing#like in canon#i also think the idea of cellbit writing crime novels starting as a way to control himself but wth help from sugar daddy roier doing more#and being successful bc he 'really gets into the mind of the killers' is . lol.
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i'm gonna be honest here, and if you do this and it works for you, don't take this as a personal attack. we all gotta find some way to make it out here.
But i don't really like getting random DMs soliciting commissions. It has the same feeling as a door to door salesmen.
i don't really have any notice asking people not to do this so i just kindly turn them down.
but it's just a bad feeling when folks come in and it's like they're being friendly and wanting to talk but then it turns out the whole thing was a lead up to asking me to commission them.
i'd honestly feel better about it without having all the pretense, you know? i had someone leave a comment on something i draw basically askin the same thing but it was straight to the point "hey, your characters are cool. i'm offering blah blah blah commissions if you're interested."
there was no back and forth, just straight to the point. i like directness. just ask/tell me what you want because otherwise I'm gonna feel like you're trying to butter me up.
#Lunney's Ramblings#and again not a personal attack#do not take this personally#this mostly happens on twitter and i don't have enough space to leave a notice in my bio#also don't have enough space to talk about it like i can here#i mena honestly this might be a strat that i'm just not aware of but i prefer only messaging someone if they specifically say#“hey im looking for-” you know? because then you know that they're most likely ready to commission someone#i think asking a random person runs the risk of wasting both your time and theirs. especially if the conversation has pretense#and i don't want to be mean and block people because they didn't do anything wrong. they're just trying to make a living like everyone else#idk i guess i just wanted to ramble i dunno#but this instance i was... kinda disappointed that this was all the conversation was about.#anyway im gonna eat and get back to work
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world's thinnest walls versus parents' stupidest argument
#hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby#no one should be this angry about star wars#it's like theyre in the same room as me and theyre a floor below me#theyre not good roommates :|#like. they're literally echoing#this house is gonna fall apart and it's gonna be george lucas' fault#if im like hey you guys are loud there's like a 70% chance theyll be like Ok What Is Your Problem We're Not Being That Loud#god the other day my mom was eating something while i was at a computer and she leaned over my shoulder and i was like hey#could you please not chew in my ear#because it's been established for YEARS that i have a really big problem with the ol mastication#and she's like 🙄🙄🙄 honey. dont. i wasnt chewing in your ear and my mouth was closed#maybe she was like 8 inches away from my ear. i still fucking felt that viscerally!! leave me alone i dont want my tics to act up#i will convulse. fuckign get away from me i have to scrub my eardrums now#child's politest request vs mother's complete inability to accommodate needs she doesnt personally relate to/understand#(my dad's not much better i just dont try with him bc he's like. a debate bro. and he's gone half the time anyway)#they also share a complete inability to see any symptoms in me or my brothers which is Not Good for literally all of us#my mom's just a little more frustrating bc she's a psych major so she thinks she knows everything. like. mom#you CANNOT be arguing with me about whether or not the r slur was always ableist and then be like psh. that kid's not autistic theyre just#self dxing to account for their other problems. i know this bc ive been around them their whole lives (infrequently and with little depth)#so imagine if i did that. i would be killed on sight i would never be able to speak to her again im not kidding it would be so so awful#thing is I'd probably believe her too. hell on earth#you dont act like my professor told me autistic ppl act in the 90s. gonna have to zap you with my death ray (forcing you to argue in#defense of your experiences which we didnt notice or invalidated at the time)#im not even 100% sure im autistic. but the fact that i cant talk to her means idk if i can talk to an actual doctor about it bc im still a#dependent and she'd probably be there with me.#I'd have to get a doctor on board or she'd NEVER believe me. how the hell am i supposed to do that#god. whatever#idek if i wanna get diagnosed but i want her to believe me. i want to be able to talk about what i need bc if i dont have a good enough#reason (my comfort is not reason enough) then she never will. and it'll get worse. it sucks basically#she's fucking doctor autism apparently and can sniff em out. christ almighty she's unbearable sometimes
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FINALLY got some allergy medicine. i know this means i should still refrain from eating all the shit i'm allergic to..... but.
#milo.txt#i might avoid peanut butter but we're probs gonna eat bananas and apples again#they're just too good for me to not!!#also i know this isn't how it works but i have benadryl so worst case scenario i take a couple lmao
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I really hate feeling irrational and upset over food. One of the worst things to be upset about. It feels SO fucking stupid.
#txt#texas roadhouse fucked up my food apparently so I get fries and bread. and it's my fault bc i wasn't there to order it myself#(she didn't really word it that way but that's how it felt. like she was saying it's my fault. but im on new meds so i was literally asleep#+the entire time they would've been eating pretty much; i cant control when the side effects decide they want to kick in?)#anyway it's not exclusively this that I'm upset about anyway. like at least i still get a little somethin else yk?#but the other day my roommate came back with his fucking boyfriend from olive garden (genuinely one of my favorite places ngl) and they're+#+like ''oh we didn't know what to get you so we just got you breadsticks'' like. what the fuck. i mean i do like breadsticks but are you +#+fucking with me right now? if money is a problem just say you couldn't afford anything extra. Don't fucking pull that shit#we literally live in the era of smart phones. you can fucking text me. and one of the things i really fucking enjoy at olive garden? +#+LITERALLY JUST THE FUCKING SALAD. THE HOUSE SALAD. THAT THEY GIVE YOU. I am that easy to appease and you bring me. bread.#i love bread. but do you think this is all i subsist on??? it's genuinely so insulting and hurtful and I feel so fucking stupid for feeling#+that way#LITERALLY as i was typing this my sister text me again to be like ''sorry that came off wrong'' this does lick the wound#update we are now sitting here going back and forth trying to figure out how they even got it wrong to begin with 😭 im gonna be real with+#+you I'd bet actual money it was on purpose so they could push the order out quicker. bc what i wanted was their tatter skins and those +#+take more effort and time I'd wager. she said they were busy so I wouldn't be surprised
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had to take one of my rats to the vet because she has this weird pink Bump on her stomach and thus I paid ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS for the vet to be like yeah I don't really know you should see a specialist here's an ointment for it. I am going to commit violence
#apparently its too close to her bits and the vet didn't know how much it was involved w that#I didn't go to a specialist initially because they're more expensive and I wasn't that concerned#I took her to the vet because there shouldn't be weird pink bumps on your rat#but other than that she is Completely Healthy#she was like yeah it'll probably involve surgery to remove#which is both Very Expensive#and risky anyway for such a small creature#but she's already two and a half#which is Old#so it would be even riskier#idk I'm just not rlly comfortable w that#this sounds morbid but like#how much time am I really buying her yknow#am I going to pay hundrends of dollars for her to either die during surgery#or only live like two more months#esp when it doesn't seem to be affecting her health in any other way#she's active and social and eating normally and peeing and pooping and grooming herself#idk. all together frustrating experience#I feel like if a vet spends 5 minutes w you and sends you home w an eh idk you shouls get a discount I'm so fucking serious#anyway.#I also didn't get to adk abt my other rat which I was meaning to...#she has a big benign tumor#which happens a lot w rats#and doesn't seem to be affecting her health in any other ways#but it could Start to#but yet again she's too old for me to be comfortable w surgery#and I was gonna ask what the other options there were#but the vet was like okay bye! and I didn't have the chance to be like hey wait#ghost posts#text
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it's an orange-and-salt kinda 6 a.m. :>
#just me hi#i woke up at 4 but i'm eating for realsies now hfhs#went to bed a bit earlier yesterday cuz i have been Dying for somewhere over 2 weeks lolll#the Tired is just like that i guess !#//anyway i also started watching m0b psycho#this is fun i like this hfh :D#this lil guy. get him out of there gbfshf#sit him on the curb and give him fruit slices. poor dude hghfsh#//oh hey a question though; if you're binge-watching something do you regularly start to hear things in the cast's voices#because this happens literally every time hfsh - like oh hallo again!! you are narrating this tumblr post And my thoughts okay hfbvsh#and sometimes i won't even notice for several hours; until i'm like 'hang on a second. where did You come from'#favorite character from show no. 15 is telling me how to fold a sheet. Nice hhfsbh#it usually wears off within a day or two if i break from it though. though it's fun while it's around :3#i do get a little annoyed about it sometimes tho. because for some reason i think people can tell when other people are narrating my#brain or something lmao#like oh noo if someone makes eye contact with me they're going to know. the Character is in there hhbfvhsv#//anyway. orange and salt :D#i cut up a couple oranges with a pink plastic butterknife left over from my sister's birthday#surprisingly smooth cut! or maybe i don't know my own strength [poses] Hbfhs#//ah i wanna try to work on my Thang today#i managed to get as far as setting up the panel borders yesterday. very cool very swag#/i also have to do my spanish at some point. been avoiding that and idk why fgshf#it feels like slowly rearranging my bones. sigh. sighs. sighs a little more. sighing. sighs#it's not grueling but gosh i wish it was Lmaoo#//anywhoodle doo i'm gonna eat my fuit and watch this show :>>#goooood morning ^v^
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Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.
#it at least gave me the single molecule of mental energy required to force myself to eat at least one slice of bread#because it's like the physical energy is there sure but mentally I'm like 'noooooo I don't want to eat anything i hate food#all food tastes bad and i hate life and i want to eat nothing at all and furthermore i need to lose weight so i should starve myself'#I'm thinking that it might actually make me last until I either convince the crisis center that I'm for fucking real for real#or until my appointment with the school counselor. which idk when would be because i was supposed to go on the#2nd of April but i guess there might be holidays because he called me when i was atva lecture but i couldn't take it#because i had a lecture and he hasn't called since but I'm assuming#that hell call again and that he wants to let me know that the date is impossible#but I want to like wait and see what he says. and if he goes like 'oh actually im on a long vacay now goodbye forever'#or whatever I'll just go '...slay' and ride my ass to the hospital tomorrow.#show up at the crisis centre looking exactly like the patients with chronic pain who report pain 7 while looking unphased#like 'hello i am an active danger to myself I can't get out of bed most days; i need 16 hours of sleep to function for 4 hours#my meds have stopped working I haven't eaten anything but exactly 2 pancakes and a slice of bread in the past 4 days#and i exhibit a strong refusal to change this marked by thoughts present in people affected by eating disorders. no activity#feels fun anymore and they were marked by a strong sense of anxiety a few days ago but now i just feel nothing at all.#at this point I'm not even refusing to do any of my hobbies because im increasingly afraid of failure and its#consequences while being hunted for sport by anxiety from the opposite end telling me that i need to finish 50 masterpieces#immediately or nobody will ever like me again and they'll all see me for the talentless fraud i am. at this point i just don't care.#i don't do anything because i feel sluggish and my body is heavy and I'm so so tired and I'm tired of being awake and I can't think straight#also i think i might be going into a psychotic episode again.'#they're gonna tell me to get the fuck out of their faces anyway but it's worth a try.#like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars#and looking both ways. which is like. not a good sign probably. also yesterday i was still somewhat able to talk to people#even though i was in a very irritated and drained out state but today I'm feeling like if anyone even fucking attempts to talk to me#or if i hear any loud fucking sound at all I'm just gonna punch myself in the head until the pain drowns out all the sound
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