#they're both too stupid and selfish to be making a decision like this

[undead-knick-knack]

I'm so tired y'all 😩🙄🤬

[inafever]

On how much Aziraphale has learned since season one:

This is about character development. Inside of a story, everything that happens, happens for a reason. It's meant to tell you something, to teach you or the character of your story, something.

So if the story continues and your character repeats the same mistakes again you know that they are bound to be doomed this time, and even worse the audience is going to certainly lose respect for them, cause they have made the same mistake twice, they haven't learned anything, they're gonna do it again another time, they don't deserve a happy ending. (yes I'm talking about good omens here) So you don't do that to a character that matters to you and you respect even the tiniest bit.

A Lot of us here are thinking that this is what has happened to Aziraphale's character at the end of season two, that he has done it again, repeated the same mistake again and has left Crowley to join heaven and it's been because of reasons like wanting to change Crowley (not true, see this post), still believing in heaven's goodness (not true at all), not being on the same page with Crowley (I'm gonna talk about this one especially in this post) and such likes. But these are the things he should've known better about after 6000 years and all the events that we've learnt about especially throughout season two. (It seems to be rather the whole point doesn't it?)

But we all seem to rather believe that he's made that mistake again nonetheless. so what we're doing here is trying to find reasons to justify the mistake and somehow make the reason behind the wrong actions something relatable to ourselves so we can forgive him when the time comes.

In fact I don't believe that he's made a mistake. for Aziraphale's character to be redeemable, what he has done, must be the only option that he's had for saving them both. I don't care what kind of situation could have resulted in him making this decision, but the only reason, the one and only reason, must be his love for Crowley. Otherwise it'll prove that he hasn't learnt his lessons or doesn't love Crowley enough to make a compromise, and in both cases, he's not worthy of love. He won't earn his happy ending by being tortured and feeling sorry and doing the apology dance for Crowley if he's hurt Crowley out of selfishness and stupidity again

But I'm sure he'll earn his happy ending and I'm sure he's learnt his lessons and it's too late for him to have unlearned them all in a matter of a few seconds. (He is an idiot but he's not stupid) and it's mostly because of this, that I believe the reason why he made that decision, must be very different from what it appears to be on the surface.

Anyway, this post is about what Aziraphale has learned and how he's changed.

I have made a post about their moments of conflict from both season one and two, it's here and you can look it up. This is where you begin to understand how Aziraphale has changed since season one because these are his dialogues after he's had a fight with Crowley in the bandstand, season one:

"even if I did know where the antichrist was I wouldn't tell you we're on opposite sides"

"friends? We're not friends. We are an angel and a demon. We have nothing whatsoever in common. I don't even like you"

"there is no our side Crowley. Not anymore. It's over"

And then there's season two, when they disagree on what to do with Gabriel, Aziraphale is the one to point out that they both rely on the life they've built together

He's asking him to help him take care of Gabriel together and in response Crowley leaves

In the final scene he asks Crowley to come back to heaven

"work with me" "We can be together as Angels, Doing good" "I need you."

He says anything he can think of literally to convince him to stay with him and it doesn't work

We start from "we're not friends" and arrive at "work with me. we can be together"

Even if we don't know the reason why he's insisting on taking Crowley back to heaven with him, this is an Angel that has picked up the pace. That wants them to be an us. No matter what.

But these are only a few dialogues. I think there's more than that. I think the show in five and a half episodes (out of six) has tried its hardest to make the point quite clear about how Aziraphale feels about Crowley (or how strongly he feels those emotions). all through the way he looks at him and through his gestures and soft touches from time to time

I'm gonna make another post of those moments separately and I'm gonna link it to this when I do.

update: (here's the post. not just average moments of Aziraphale looking cute, it's something about the way he looks at him)

And I'd like to even compare those wishful glances to some of those from season one, but I can't, cause they are nonexistent in there.

[just-some-user-hunny]

Yandere! love triangle situation with Aemond and Aegon

~ It's unfortunate enough to capture the eye of one targaryen prince, but in this instance, you're unlucky enough to enrapture the attention of two.

~ Either you're a maid who works in the castle, a childhood friend, or it's a scenario of tarcest (say you're Daemon's daughter), it's inevitable to be within the sights of them.

~ As young princes, they would both Scrabble over your attention like it was a shiny new toy they both wanted. Aegon was brutish and mocking towards his shorter brother, whilst Aemond could only watch on and meekly/slyly attempt to capture your attention and time whenever he could. Taking Aegon's verbal beatings and beratings with a strong facade, letting his words slowly eat away at his self-confidence, fueling him to grow stronger and more capable.

~ Aegon, would inevitably be the boy who'd pull your braids and steal your things to get your attention. Whenever he sees you give Aemond a taste of attention, either it be through chaste conversation, or merely sitting closely with you at mealtimes, he'd act out in his own self-destructive ways and be determined to get your attention. It didn't matter if it was positive, or negative. He just needed your eyes on him.

~ Aemond however doesn't allow himself to sit down and let his brother trample all over him like that. He sharpens his skills with fighting and reading and learning, aiming to take advantage of his older brother by being more intelligent and capable than him.

~ Aegon will undoubtedly remain drowning himself in wine and women from brothels to fill the void that you refuse to fill. Holding both discontent and yearning for you. He would be a painfully lucid, yet desperate yandere. He's not outright clueless, he's aware he's made himself unlovable by now due to his treatment of you in the past. He's damned himself to loneliness, and there's little he can do to win your favour. However, he is still a selfish yandere. He'll naively take advantage of Aemond and cooperate to take you into their custody, to trap you within the castle with Aegon as your rightful king, and Aemond as your dutiful protector.

~ Aemond will become somewhat of a personal bodyguard to you during your stay hostage situation. He'll be hovering in your shadow, his gloved hand bracing upon your lower back whenever you walk with him, hovering behind you whilst you are seated- his arms bracing around you closely, or his hand upon your wrist in a firm iron grasp to keep you with him. He is the one who assigns whoever tends to you, picking only the most trusted handmaidens to bath and dress and tend to. If there were ever one foolish enough to try and help you escape, they'd be cut down mercilessly.

~ Aegon, now drunk with wine and power, the crown sitting heavily upon his brow, will be more selfish and demanding than ever. He's giddy and high from it, often calling you to accompany him during mealtimes. He especially enjoys watching you interact with his children, growing into a wishful delusion that they are yours. He'll watch with a smile as you treat them kindly and gently, warmth spreading in his chest at the sight.

~ You may often awaken in odd hours of the night to find Aegon drunk and soft headed- crumpled in a pitiful mess by your bedside, his hand grasping at your hand to nestle into his locks of unruly snowy hair, and his cheek pressed to the edge of your bed. Usually he's far too inebriated to fathom you're awake, but he will softly and weakly whimper for you to not leave if you try to remove your hand.

~ They're both demanding for your attention, and don't particularly like sharing. Aegon would definitely have this big-headed look upon it, like how he sees Aemond as his 'hound' that'd do anything he wants. But Aemond isn't the obedient pushover he thinks he is. I don't think Aegon is particularly stupid or anything, naive and a little clumsy with making decisions, but Aemond is sincerely much more calculated and cunning. There'd be a whole lot of manipulation going in between those two, and Aegon would think he's on top most of the time when really he's not 😅 Aemond will always be the one pulling the strings, the one holding the reigns, the invisible puppeteer so to speak in this whole dynamic. Aegon will go on with his gloating lovesickness, high on this deception of power that he believes he has in his grasp. With you in his palm, when really he's stepping beneath Aemond's heel.

~ Poor, sweet Helaena in this whole scenario is troubled for you. She's already mourning the loss of her little son, and now her brothers have kidnapped her friend and kept them hostage- just like she. A part of her down feeling comforted with you so close however, she knows how things will end. Forced to foresee the bloodshed and fire, her own brutal succumbing to death, and she's frightened by it all. All she can ask now is for some temporary comfort with you nearby, to pretend for just a little bit longer, that you are both safe and content in the gardens of your childhood- sewing embroidery and catching bugs.

~ During the battle of Rhaenys and Aegon, you bet Aemond will take advantage of this scenario. He wants to be king, and have you all to himself. Why not kill two birds with one stone?

~ Aegon had always been under the naive and gloated assumption that Aemond was under his thumb- at his heel, like a loyal and commanding hound, his to order around. He could only just tolerate having him share the attention he sought after from you. The moment that fateful 'dracarys' left Aemond's snake tongue, Aegon received the true taste of Aemond's view of him.

~ Aegon would be a weak and delusional mess in his weak and vulnerable state. He'd demand for you to be kept away, frightened of you seeing him like this. Ugly. Crippled. Deformed Just like Aemond likes him.

~ Yet in his stupor of strong herbs and medicines, slipping in and out of bleary restless dreams, and agonising consciousness, he would softly choke out for you. He wants you near, but stay away. He needs to hold your hand to distract him from the pain, but if you look upon him he'll cry. He needs you to tell him everything is ok, but if you look upon him as a weak and broken fool then he'll use whatever energy he has left in his whole body to scream in anguish.

~ Aemond would practically be relishing in his post-murder glow. Standing at the foot of his brother's bed, looking down upon him with a cold serpentine-like glare, an air of pleasure surrounding him at the sight of his rival and tormentor broken and simple at his feet.

~ After confirming that Aegon cannot remember being attacked by his own brother, Aemond will grow even more relieved. Gently kissing his brothers brow and promising to take care of you in his stead.

~ with the throne and you nearly secured in his grasp, he feels unstoppable.

There are some timeline things that I haven't thought through completely yet, but this is the whole vibe I get from a situationship between those two. It would be chaotic, akin to being tugged at both ends by two overly enthusiastic and possessive dogs.

I may elaborate more later on, but this is what I have for now! Any thoughts and ideas are very welcome :3

[covid-safer-hotties]

Also preserved in our archive (daily updates)

From September but still relevant.

By Jessica wildfire

The science of not helping.

In 1913, an engineer named Max Ringelmann noticed something weird about human behavior. When you told one person to do something like pull a rope, they tried really hard. When you put them into groups, they didn't try as hard.

They slacked.

Psychologists have identified this behavior as social loafing. Sometimes they also call it diffusion of responsibility, defined as "the idea that the presence of others changes the behavior of the individual by making them feel less responsible for the consequences of their actions," leading to "moral disengagement."

A 2005 study confirmed that when you put people into teams, each person does less, with the exception of highly motivated individuals, who wind up doing most of the work. If you were ever the team leader or facilitator, you know all about social loafing.

It happens online, too.

A 2022 review on diffusion of responsibility revealed that it happens all the time, in situations ranging from donations to tipping. It even happens in online communication. If you email one person, they're more likely to respond. They also give longer, more detailed responses. If you email a bunch of people, and they see each other copied on the message, they don't respond at all or they send shorter, less helpful replies.

Groups also make riskier decisions than individuals.

A team of psychologists asked a bunch of adults to play with marbles. They put them into pairs. Each pair's job was to stop the marble from sliding down a ramp. They won points if they stopped the marble before it hit the bottom. They got more points if their partner stopped it before they did. As predicted, both players got worse over time. As the study concludes, "The co-player's presence led participants to act later, reduced their subjective sense of agency, and also attenuated the neural processing of action outcomes." Basically, it made them slower and dumber.

In 1968, two psychologists wanted to see what adults would do in an emergency when they were alone, versus when they were in a group. They started pumping fake smoke into a room while people filled out a questionnaire. When they were on their own, 75 percent of participants did something. When they were in a group, the dynamic almost completely reversed. More than 60 percent of them did nothing. They just kept working on the questionnaire.

When the researchers asked why, participants said they didn't want to look stressed or anxious. They figured if nobody else was doing anything, then there was nothing wrong. They figured they were just overreacting. They cared more about looking weird than letting the building burn down.

That's called pluralistic ignorance.

You see similar results in studies over the last several decades. On their own, people generally take more responsibility.

There's nobody else to do it.

When you put them into groups, they start acting selfish and stupid. They look to each other for validation first. If they don't get any signals to act, then they'll ignore what their own eyes are telling them. The more people you add to a situation, the more passive they become, the less likely they jump into action.

About a decade after the smoke study, another team of psychologists ran a similar experiment, but this time it was a man beating a woman in public. Participants intervened when they thought the man was a stranger. When they thought the man was her husband, they didn't do anything. That's called confusion of responsibility, when bystanders think it's not their place to step in or step up to help, or they're afraid helping will get them into trouble with some kind of authority figure.

A 2018 study looked at the brain's natural response to emergencies. They observed a significant drop in the central gyrus and the prefrontal cortex, the parts of your brain associated with helping. A person's first reaction is to preserve themselves. Their brain has to cross an empathy or compassion threshold in order to risk their own safety and security by helping someone. Basically, they have to care more about the person in danger than themselves.

A 2019 study in Aggressive Behavior found that friends and family members help each other when strangers don't. In fact, knowing the person makes you roughly 20 times more likely to help. Flip that, and you see that if someone doesn't know you, they're 20 times less likely to get involved.

Saturation also plays a role.

When you add more people to a situation, there's less for them to do. At least, that's what they usually think. If someone's already helping, then bystanders are less likely to get involved.

The gravity of an emergency also makes a difference. Basically, an emergency has to look bad enough to get someone's attention, but not so bad that it triggers their self-protection instincts.

You can see why this setup poses a problem when it comes to a crisis that falls way above or way below that threshold.

The climate crisis and the pandemicene hit us right in the middle of the bystander effect, exploiting pluralistic ignorance and diffusion of responsibility. It's exactly the kind of problem everyone wants someone else to do something about.

The super rich grasp this vulnerability, at least intuitively.

So do politicians.

They're perfectly happy to profit off our deaths and the destruction of our future while everyone stands around waiting for someone else to make the hard decisions, for someone else to make the personal sacrifices, for someone else to deal with the problem. Even worse, they use the inaction they see as an excuse for them to do nothing. After all, why should Monica give up her carbon bomb vacation when Heather is going to Italy?

As we've observed time and again, everyone reinforces each other's anxiety about looking weird if they're the only ones doing the right thing. They would rather sabotage their own health than violate social codes.

Some research has pushed back on the bystander effect, showing that people do tend to offer help even when they're in a crowd. However, the Aggressive Behavior study shows this likely happens because of accountability cues. In other words, they act because there's a camera present of some kind or some other indication that there's going to be consequences for not helping. That's why they help.

They don't want to look bad.

Here's the strangest part:

Most people know about the diffusion of social responsibility, along with terms like social loafing and pluralistic ignorance. If they don't, they've heard the story of Kitty Genovese, even if it's exaggerated. We have countless examples of societies allowing moral crime and social murder to happen right in front of them, simply because their membership in society itself encouraged their silence and complicity.

They know all this, but they still decide to stay silent and complicit when it's happening right in front of them.

Maybe psychologists should study that.

Even when people know about these psychological and sociological hangups, they still choose to dwell in denial and wishful thinking. They tell themselves it's different this time, or there's some kind of exception to excuse it. They still choose to stand around and wait for someone else to do the right thing, until it's too late. They're really good at admitting fault and promising to do better after the fact, especially when they can fall back on a diffusion of responsibility as the reason.

Then they wait for everyone to forget.

Rinse and repeat.

It's ironic that we keep talking about society and community as something that calls on us to summon our better selves and help each other, when our actions continue to prove that group behavior often leads us to making bad decisions and indulging in our worst selves.

Simply being in a community isn't enough.

You have to do something.

[coimbrabertone]

Offtopic Offseason #2 - The Incoherent Musings of a Star Wars Fan in Big 2024.

So, being a Star Wars fan is hard.

I don't mean that for some stupid "STAR WERZ IS WOKE NOW! CHILDHOOD RUINED!" bullshit, I mean being an actual fan of Star Wars.

I want to watch Star Wars shows, I want to play Star Wars games, and I deeply disagree with the idea that Disney is making too much Star Wars stuff. No, in fact, my stance here is quite similar to my stance on superhero fatigue from the last Offtopic Offseason - and that's that people aren't sick of Star Wars, they're sick of bad Star Wars content.

Let me put it this way - the only buzz I've heard about Skeleton Crew is that they referenced something from the Holiday Special and that there's a kid from that Max Rebo species - the Ortolans, the blue elephant guys. That doesn't fill me with an urge to watch it.

Just like I haven't had the urge to finish The Bad Batch.

Just like how I haven't picked up Star Wars: Outlaws yet.

There is, however, one Star Wars project that I did engage with in 2024: the Acolyte. Yup, the show that the internet was shitting on before it even came out and the one that they managed to get cancelled despite the first season ending on a blatant cliffhanger. I want to talk about that show.

Why? Because the thing is...I don't think the show is that bad.

I certainly don't think it's any worse than Book of Boba Fett or some of the later episode of the Mandalorian.

In fact, I'd say the concept of the Acolyte is more interesting than either Mando or Boba Fett, and here's why: the idea of a woman, who had the only home she ever knew taken away from her by the Jedi, training under a Sith to get revenge is an interesting premise.

That same Sith disguising himself as her bumbling accomplice to monitor and influence her had potential as well.

The Jedi Order being this corrupt, detached organization trying to maneuver the political intrigues of Coruscant is interesting, as is the fact that the plot is ultimately set into motion by Master Sol making a series of impulsive and violent decisions - thinking they he knew better - that ended in him killing the girls' mother, Aniseya.

All of that I'm good with.

There are a few things I'm not so good with. The vergence stuff and how that relates to the twins (and them being two sides of the same person) didn't quite work with me. I also felt that some of the stuff they did with Aniseya in the final two episodes undercuts the Sol storyline, because one: she really does demonstrate she's dangerous, and two: if you're still planning on letting Osha go with them, why are you using a Dark Side ritual to turn yourself into an dark smoke monster and absorbing your other daughter while doing so?

Like if the point you're going for is that Sol broke the Jedi teachings because of his selfish attachment to Osha - later leading to Osha killing him as her fall to the Dark Side - then why are you giving him a justifiable reason for stopping Aniseya?

And I guess on some level, I question how much purpose there was to having both Osha and Mae as characters. I know this is probably approaching a sort of Ship of Theseus point where I change so much about the Acolyte that it's not the Acolyte anymore, but I feel like there was a way to tell this story with just one character rather than this split person/twin thing.

You know what, I'll commit to it - here's how I would've done the Acolyte show.

Indara, Sol, Kelnacca, and Torbin go to investigate Brendok, just like they do in the show, however, when they find the convent of Dark Side witches, they decide they need to stop them. So rather than a series of potentially sympathetic misunderstandings, it's that the Jedi saw a Dark Side threat, they got spooked, and they decided to crush it.

This is to mirror some of the other darker Jedi moments in Star Wars, such as Mace Windu saying that the "oppression of the Sith will never return" before attempting to finish off Palpatine, or the Legends lore of the Jedi bombardment of Korriban after the Great Hyperspace War, aiming to destroy it.

Neither of these things worked, sure, but it demonstrates a rare Jedi ruthlessness that could suit this story nicely.

Anyway, having lost the only family she had, Osha (who, remember, we're treating as a single person at this point) wanders the galaxy and eventually winds up at the ruined Sith Academy on Korriban - and here she finds Qimir.

Qimir plays it cool and doesn't quite reveal who he is but starts telling Osha about the Sith and feeling her out, trying to figure out if she'd make a worthy pupil or not. Qimir sends Osha through the tombs like in KOTOR or like the Sith Warrior/Inquisitor storylines in SWTOR and starts revealing more about the Sith to her as she goes on. By the end, she believes in it, is willing to become a Sith, and makes a red lightsaber.

Then Qimir sends her out to hunt down the Brendok Jedi. At this point you could probably split the show into a season one and two, where the first season, "The Acolyte" is the story of Osha being an acolyte on Korriban, and the season two would be like "The Apprentice" or something a bit less trademarked, probably, and be about Osha actually hunting down the Jedi.

And hey, maybe it's a shitty idea, but I think it would place the show better in the lore and give us an interesting perspective where we follow a Sith character who fully believes she's in the right, and because of how this version of the Brendok events played out, we can't really say she's wrong either.

Maybe all of that is a product of the kind of Star Wars fan I grew up as though. I was born in the prequel era, meaning that for me, Phantom menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith were always part of Star Wars. I grew up playing KOTOR on my dad's computer and then later watching Clone Wars and then after that getting really into SWTOR for awhile in the early-to-mid 2010s.

Star Wars to me is lightsabers and deep lore and the Jedi versus the Sith.

I guess that's why Acolyte, for all its flaws and mistakes and strange writing choices, got my attention in a way that a lot of Star Wars stories haven't.

I mean, I watched Acolyte all the way through while I still haven't felt motivated enough to watch Andor - I'm sure that for a lot of nerds, that's downright sacrilege - but that's where I'm at with this franchise.

Do you have any idea how long it's gonna take for someone to be willing to make a female-led Sith show after how the Acolyte bombed? I'll be waiting decades at this rate. I'll be waiting even longer when I ask for those characters to one: be aliens because goddamn all these species in the galaxy but the only ones that ever seem to do anything are humans, and two: be lesbian because...I dunno man, representation makes me feel good.

I guess Mother Koril checks a lot of those boxes but...she's got like fifteen minutes of screentime max and then kinda turns into a cloud of smoke and we don't see her anymore. Is she dead? Is she alive? Is she some other third thing?

Nobody knows.

And we're probably never gonna know because the show's been cancelled.

Fun times.

So yeah, these are some incoherent musings from a long-suffering Star Wars fan in 2024.

Like the meme says...

Star Wars would be so good if it was good.

[ilynpilled]

GRRM on morality, heroism, villainy, and parallax in ASOIAF:

Time magazine wrote of you, “What really distinguishes Martin and what marks him as a major force for evolution in fantasy is his refusal to embrace a vision of the world as a struggle between good and evil.” Do you agree?

I think the struggle between good and evil is central to fantasy and, indeed, in some ways, central to most fiction. It's certainly a worthy subject for fiction. But I regard the struggle between good and evil as being waged within the individual human heart. […] You know, the greatest monsters of history, as we look back on them, thought they were the heroes of the story. You know, the villain is the hero of the other side, as sometimes said. That doesn't mean that it's all morally relative. That doesn't mean that all things are equally good and evil. I think there is good and there is evil in the world. But you know, it's sometimes a struggle to tell one from the other and to make the right choices. I've always been attracted to great characters, maybe because that's what I see when I look around the real world, whether I read about it in history books or the news or just people I meet. I mean, all of us have it within ourselves to be heroes. All of us have it within ourselves to be villains. We've all done good things in our lives, and most of us have also done selfish things, cowardly things, things that we're ashamed of in later years. And to my mind, that's, I don't know, the glory of the human race. We're such wonderfully contradictory, mixed-up creatures that we're endlessly fascinating to write about and read about.

via

In your work, you have essentially captured Mikhail Bakhtin's concept of polyphonic fiction, where the characters are equal, and the reader can root for any of them. This has been impossible to convey on the TV series.

I wouldn't say all the characters are equal, but they have (hopefully) human traits, especially the viewpoint characters. I have seven viewpoint characters in the first book, and each book has a few more. So, by now, we're probably up to 12 or 13 viewpoint characters, and those are the ones where I go actually inside their skin, so you're seeing the world through their eyes. You're hearing their thoughts. You're feeling their emotions. And I try to paint over those viewpoint characters, and some of them are noble and just, and some of them are kind of selfish, and some of them are very intelligent, and some of them are less intelligent and even stupid. But they're all human, and I want to portray their humanity. […] I think the battle between good and evil is fought all over the world, every day, in the individual human heart, as we all struggle with the choices that define us and define our lives. And we have to choose what we are going to do, and sometimes the choice is not easy; it's not this absolute juxtaposition of the good guys and the bad guys. And I wanted to get to that with my characters, and show some of the difficulties that they face.

via

Another element I liked about the series was the moral relativism of many of the characters. Too many Fantasies rely on the shorthand of truly evil villains in the absolute moral sense, but your characters, while they might commit terrible acts, generally do so either from short-sighted self-interest or because they truly believe they are acting for the best. Was this a deliberate decision, or is it just more interesting to write this way?

Both. I have always found grey characters more interesting than those who are pure black and white. I have no qualms with the way that Tolkien handled Sauron, but in some ways The Lord of the Rings set an unfortunate example for the writers who were to follow. […] Before you can fight the war between good and evil, you need to determine which is which, and that's not always as easy as some Fantasists would have you believe.

via

Do you purposely start a character as bad so you can later kill them?

No. What is bad? Bad is a label. We are human beings with heroism and self-interest and avarice in us and any human is capable of great good or great wrong. In Poland a couple of weeks ago I was reading about the history of Auschwitz - there were startling interviews with the people there. The guards had done unthinkable atrocities, but these were ordinary people. What allowed them to do this kind of evil? Then you read accounts of acts of outrageous heroism, yet the people are criminals or swindlers, one crime or another, but when forced to make a choice they make a heroic choice. This is what fascinated me about the human animal.

via

Martin's realm is not one of unambiguous heroes and villains. His characters, from royals to peasants, tend to be ethically mutable. So-called good people, like the noblemen Ned Stark, his son Robb Stark or the indomitable Daenerys Targaryen ("the Mother of Dragons"), make terrible mistakes - out of weakness, pride or an overly rigid sense of right and wrong. And horrible people, like Jaime Lannister, known as "the Kingslayer," do terrible things and then, over the course of several books, reveal themselves to be capable of heroism and sacrifice.

As we're discussing this in the theater, Martin quotes Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar" from memory: “The evil that men do lives after them ;/ The good is oft interred with their bones.” Then he adds his own version: “We shouldn't forget about the evil that good men do. But we shouldn't forget about the good either,” he says. “I do think a society needs heroes. They don't have to be flawless.”

via

Your books have a very strong storyline associated with the atonement of sins. For example, the way of Jaime Lannister, do you yourself believe in karma?

I don’t believe in karma per se, although sometimes I have my doubts because sometimes I think I see things that could be explained by karma. But no, I don’t really have any beliefs in the supernatural. I do believe in the possibility of redemption. And I believe that human beings, all human beings, are grey. And I try to remember that when I write my characters. We are all heroes, we are all villains, we all have the capacity for great good and we all have the capacity to do things that are selfish and evil and wrong. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference. In your lifetime, you can be both. And it’s making choices that defines us as human beings. There’s this sensation of compartmentalism. This eagerness to judge everybody based on the worst thing they ever did, not the best thing they ever did. And you know, I think Shakespeare in "Julius Caesar" wrote “The evil that men do lives after them ;/ The good is oft interred with their bones.” And sadly that’s true. And I think it should be the reverse. We should remember the good things and the noble things that people did, and forgive them for their failures and moments of selfishness or wrongdoing because we all have them. When we forgive them, we are essentially forgiving ourselves. Redemption should be possible.

via

Are there any characters that you've kind of fallen out of love with, that you just don't, you know, get excited about any more?

I still love all the characters. Even some of them who aren't very lovable. At least the viewpoint characters. When I'm writing in the viewpoint of one of these characters, I'm really inside their skin. So, you trying to see the world through their eyes to understand why they do the things they do. And we all have, even characters who are thought of to be bad guys, who are bad guys, in some objective sense, don't think of themselves as bad guys. […] “What evil can I do today?” Real people don't think that way. We all think we're heroes, we all think we're good guys. We have our rationalizations when we do bad things. “Well, I had no choice,” or “It's the best of several bad alternatives,” or “No it was actually good because God told me so,” or “I had to do it for my family.” We all have rationalizations for why we do shitty things or selfish things or cruel things. So when I'm writing from the viewpoint of one of my characters who has done these things, I try to have that in my head. And I do, so there's an empathy there that makes me love even people like Victarion Greyjoy, who is basically a dullard and a brute. But, he feels aggrieved and sees the world a certain way. And Jaime Lannister and Theon Greyjoy, they all have their own viewpoints. I love them all. Some I love more than others, I guess.

Who do you think to be the most important characters?

They're all important. I don't favor them, or I don't think of them in terms of importance. The viewpoint characters in the first book I have are Bran, Tyrion, Catelyn, Ned, Jon Snow, the two girls Arya and Sansa. There is the core of the Stark family plus Tyrion to represent the Lannister family. Then I have Dany on the other side of the sea, Daenerys Targaryen, whose story runs parallel and some ways doesn't connect to the others, but some day I'll eventually bring those two stories together. In each subsequent volume I drop some of my viewpoint characters and add new ones. Although the same core still dominates, the cast changes somewhat, and I like to do that. In the third volume which you haven't gotten to yet (he refers to me) I have a new viewpoint character. He's been a major character, but now you see things for the first time through his eyes. Which I think changes your perception of things somewhat. I like to play that kind of game, because we all have our own way of looking at the world. Something occurs and two people witness it. They might have very different versions of what happened, and very different explanations. I like to play with parallax in my fiction, and get different versions of the same thing.

via

A Song of Ice and Fire has much of the complex texture of authentic history, both generally and in its specific echoes of actual historical episodes. What laws and principles (if any) in your view govern human history, and how has your understanding of historical processes shaped the series?

Historical processes have never much interested me, but history is full of stories, full of triumph and tragedy and battles won and lost. It is the people who speak to me, the men and women who once lived and loved and dreamed and grieved, just as we do. Though some may have had crowns on their heads or blood on their hands, in the end they were not so different from you and me, and therein lies their fascination. I suppose I am still a believer in the now unfashionable "heroic" school, which says that history is shaped by individual men and women and the choices that they make, by deeds glorious and terrible. That is certainly the approach I have taken in A Song of Ice and Fire.

A Song of Ice and Fire undergoes a very interesting progression over its first three volumes, from a relatively clear scenario of Good (the Starks) fighting Evil (the Lannisters) to a much more ambiguous one, in which the Lannisters are much better understood, and moral certainties are less easily attainable. Are you deliberately defying the conventions and assumptions of neo-Tolkienian Fantasy here?

Guilty as charged. The battle between good and evil is a legitimate theme for a Fantasy (or for any work of fiction, for that matter), but in real life that battle is fought chiefly in the individual human heart. Too many contemporary Fantasies take the easy way out by externalizing the struggle, so the heroic protagonists need only smite the evil minions of the dark power to win the day. And you can tell the evil minions, because they're inevitably ugly and they all wear black. I wanted to stand much of that on its head. In real life, the hardest aspect of the battle between good and evil is determining which is which.

via

When you are writing the different conflicts in Westeros, do you personally pick a side? Or feel that one side fights for a more just cause than the other?

Yes, certainly. I mean, I’ve often said that I believe in grey characters, I don’t believe in black and white characters. But that’s not to say that all characters are equally grey. You know, some are very dark grey, and some are mostly white but they still have occasional flaws. I’ve always been fascinated by human beings and all of their complexity— even human beings that do appalling things, you know, the question is ‘Why?’ And it’s interesting to get inside their head and see why. Some of my viewpoint characters have done some incredibly reprehensible things: Theon, for example, or Victarion Greyjoy. Why? Were they born a monster? Weren’t they born like a cute little kid wanting to be loved and all that? We all start out that way, right? But things happen to us on the way that lead to junctures in our lives where we make decisions, and those decisions and the consequences of them color everything that comes after. You look at [historical figures] and what’s the verdict on these men? Are they heroes, are they villains? Are they great people, or people we should despise? I mean, they are fascinating characters because of their complexity.

via

“I don't concern myself over whether my characters are “likeable” or “sympathetic.” (I had my fill of that in television). My interest is in trying to make them real and human. If I can create a fully-fleshed three-dimensional character, some of my readers will like him/her, or some won't, and that's fine with me. That's the way real people react to real people in the real world, after all. Look at the range of opinions we get on politicans and movie stars. If EVERYONE likes a certain character, or hates him, that probably means he's made of cardboard. So I will let my readers decide who they like, admire, hate, pity, sympathize with, etc. The fact that characters like Sansa, Catelyn, Jaime, and Theon provoke such a wide range of reactions suggests to me that I have achieved my goal in making them human.”

via

“You want the reader to care about your characters — if they don’t, then there’s no emotional involvement. But at the same time, I want my characters to be nuanced, to be gray, to be human beings. I think human beings are all nuanced. There’s this tendency to want to make people into heroes and villains. And I think there are villains in real life and there are heroes in real life. But even the greatest heroes have flaws and do bad things, and even the greatest villains are capable of love and pain and occasionally have moments where you can feel sympathetic for them. As much as I love science fiction and fantasy and imaginative stuff, you always have to go back to real life as your touchstone and say, ‘What is the truth?’”

via

[thiefof-trefl]

So I haven't seen anyone compare the (alleged) UHC Shooter to Rodion Rascolnikov, and maybe I'm delusional but that's all I can think about every time new info is released.

Ok so it started when I saw this post

And told my friend "wouldn't it be funny if he saw the og post and it was the last straw? Like when Rascolnikov went to that bar in the beginning of the book and heard other people complaining about that usurer?"

Then I started really thinking about it and maybe I'm doing too much and they're not that similar but this is Tumblr, hear me out:

1. They're hot. Seems silly but being attractive can really change how public views you. Characters in the book often acknowledge Rodion's good looks while being very open and revealing in conversations with him. And sure Tumblr would probably be thirsting after "the Adjuster" even if he weren't conventionally attractive, but the overall public perception of him was greatly positive and I believe it is also due to the halo effect.

2. Personal feelings covered by ideology. I'm not saying the shooting was purely selfish. It had a great impact on the industry and was something many thank him for. But from what we know Mr Luigi had a major back surgery and suffered from back pain. It is very possible his own experience with the healthcare and Insurance industry was what first pushed him to see it as a problem. Rascolnikov struggled financially and kept on borrowing from the usurer leaving every valuable thing in his possession as pledge. His resentment towards her and his own circumstances was converted into an ideology about people superior and people lesser, which validated his decision to murder her.

3. Masterplan and stupid decisions. It's easy to see how brilliant the execution of the assassination was. The place, the timing, the escape. He even managed to leave New York during the manhunt. But there were missteps along the way. Going to Starbucks, flirting with the hostess, reusing the fake id, wearing the same clothes. Dumb little things that could be written off to both stress and arrogance. Reminds me of silly mistakes Rascolnikov did after murder. Dropping a jewellery box on the way out, keeping the bloodied sock, coming back to the murder scene. But that's where I also see a big difference. While Rodion was overcome with paranoia and fear, I suspect (just an educated guess, I don't know him personally) that our Shooter might have felt too... Proud of himself? The assassination succeeded, he escaped the police, left the state and the public at large loves him! I know it would make me feel invincible.

4. Game of cat and mouse. This one's not as big, just a small similarity. They both mock the police. Rascolnikov during in person conversations and the Adjuster by leaving the backpack full of monopoly money. Hilarious in both cases.

And finally

5. Letting the police catch them. It's just a theory, not really backed up by anything other than conjectures, but I can see why it might be true. Rodion Rascolnikov tired of constant paranoia and guilt driving him crazy goes to the police and confesses to murder. The alleged UHC CEO Shooter Luigi Mangione was arrested after being recognised by a McDonald's customer. He was wearing the exact same get up as during the shooting. And though he used a fake id at first he then admitted his real name. One might think he gave up. It's disappointing but I can't blame him if that was his decision. Living on the run is exhausting. In just two days he had already left so many traces and clues. And he killed a rich guy at that, which we all know is not the same as killing a normal person. The family and police would spare no resources to find him and it would go on for a long time. Years of fear and hiding- that's no life. Right now we can only hope the evidence will be found insufficient and he won't get convinced.

So yeah, had to get it out of my head. Sorry for any mistakes and words used in a wrong way, translating long thoughts into English isn as easy as I thought.

Please, please, please let me know what you think, does it make sense or am I crazy?

[auncyen]

(because why not follow whims. continuing from Say What You Mean but sif pov)

You and your allies are staying together! It still seems unreal. You'd thought--everyone had said they had different plans, when you asked what they were doing after the King. And then Odile said you were only allies. You'd still had nice moments with the others during the breaks in the House, but you'd been very aware this was your last day together. When the King asked you if you didn't want it all to end like this, to be preserved at the culmination of your journey together--

You would never have agreed to be frozen, of course. It wasn't your decision, wasn't your journey, really. You'd just tagged along. You'd have to be really selfish to agree to something like that when Mira and Isa and Bonnie and Odile all have wonderful things to look forward to.

...So you didn't! And you won, and everyone was happy, and then...you don't want to think about the talk you had with the Head Housemaiden. How she looked at you with pity when she realized you had no idea what 'Wish Craft' was, even though you'd used it. Because--

(You'll never go home.)

(You'll never remember it, not fully. Just little fragments. Enough that you accidentally patched the wishes of a country together. Not enough to patch together yourself.)

You don't have to think about any of that yet. Your allies have decided to stay together to take Bonbon to Bambouche. They all want to stay together a little longer!

...You're a little confused why Odile wants to stay together if you're just allies, but you're not going to question it. You don't want her to second-guess her decision. You like Odile, you want to keep traveling with her. And you're afraid if you ask questions everyone will realize how much you've always the odd one out. Your stupid little breakdown earlier already has the others on edge. If you could control your emotions, you wouldn't have worried anyone. You'd all be having a restful evening. Instead you keep catching worried looks from the other adults, and Bonnie has reminded you twice that you're coming with them.

The reminders are nice. They reassure you this is really happening. You're not alone again yet. But you feel bad that Bonnie's worrying over you too. Or--maybe they're upset you tried to leave them, but you didn't mean it like that. You never would have tried to leave if you knew they wanted you to stay. You should probably apologize, but Bonnie's already gone to sleep, excited for tomorrow to come sooner so they're that much closer to being reunited with their sister. (You're glad you'll get to see that.)

You try your best to brush off the crying episode entirely--you're feeling much better now, after all! Tired, though. Isa comments with relief that you seem calmer when you both lay down in bed to sleep, and you smile back to show that yep, everything's fine! "I'm feeling a lot better now. Sorry about earlier." Isa looks like he wants to say something about that but you'd really rather talk about anything else, so you cast your mind about, remember something you'd been wondering before that disastrous talk with the Head Housemaiden, and blurt out: "What were you going to say?"

"What was I going to say?"

"After the King. Last night, you told me you'd tell me something after we beat the King, and you almost did but Bonnie interrupted? And you said 'never mind', but..." You're still curious. "It's important, isn't it?" To Isa, at least, and if it's important to him, you want to hear him out.

Isa's eyes slide away from your face as he chews his lip a little, thinking. "...I don't think it's the right time to say it. I think we should have that feelings talk first? I want to make sure we're all on the same page and everyone's okay."

Well, you're fine since everyone's staying together (for now). "I'm fine!"

The pitying look Isa gives you makes you wish you could shrink and hide under the blankets forever. ...You draw them up to your chin instead.

"Just a little talk, Sif. You know you can tell us how you're feeling, right? We're friends."

Not to Odile, though. And you still remember how upset Mira looked when you told her the journey was the happiest you'd ever been. Isn't it selfish? That you've become so needy for their company while they were trying to save their home? If you're too honest, if you show too much of yourself, even Isa might be put off.

You know what the answer's supposed to be, though, so you nod, and then you can't look at Isa anymore and pull the blanket over your head and close your eyes to sleep.

[kasdeyalilith]

A Love Too Late

Note: So the most voted character in the poll is Diluc! Almost beating Xiao by 1 % so I decided to add him too and another surprise character in another fic but knowing my works you already have some clues hahahaha. Anyways here's the requested piece also thank you all for voting and stuff it's super fun.

Warning/s: Angst

Character/s: Diluc x Reader; Xiao x Reader

Synopsis: Grasping at the end of the thread in the hope of rekindling the lost love with you, but they're too late because you've already decided to marry someone else.

DILUC

A knock echoes across the room before Barbara peeks in and told you that the wedding will begin. She excused herself, fidgeting in embarrassment, when she realized that you were preoccupied fixing your dress and checking your reflection in the mirror. A pathetic excuse, really, anything to delay making the most important decision of your life.

Marrying Kaeya was-is the best decision for you to make, after everything went downhill with Diluc he was always there to comfort and help you whenever you need it.

Yet there's always that nagging feeling that something is still missing, because even though you're happy with Kaeya now, the love you felt with Diluc is different. A love in its purest form that was ripped from you before you could even save it.

Loving Diluc will always be the best part of your life, but it's time to move on; even if you love Diluc, you know your relationship will never be the same again after what happened.

Sighing, you left your room tightly holding the bouquet of Kaeya's favorite flowers closely after making your decision.

You crossed the halls, counting the pillars before the looming door of the Cathedral came into view.

Caught up in trance you didn't even notice the shade of red before being led away. Your body, as if possessed, yields to his touch without even knowing who your captor is.

You have memorized and engraved that very scent and the curves of his hands, the dips of his shoulders.

He stopped walking but never let go of your hand, holding it closer as if you were about to vanish before his eyes.

“Don’t do it” he pleads

Head pounding from what’s happening, you drew your hand away in disbelief. Your eyes glaring at him as if anything could be so simple after what had happened.

“You don’t love him like I-”

“Don’t even start saying that bullshit again Diluc, we’re done and I know I’ll be happy with Kaeya”

His eyes shifted as the name of his brother leave your lips.

“By marrying him?”

He moves closer to you after he realizes you won't respond. His usual hard exterior is now bare and pleading as he stares into your eyes.

“I know all those things I did is unforgivable. I won’t even forgive myself but I am still in love with you (Y/n). I know I treated you poorly when you’ve been nothing but supportive and loving especially when my Dad- I shouldn’t have done all those things to you”

“But you did it anyway Diluc, I’m getting married now and the only thing you could do is to let me go”

“I can’t”

You faced him, your heart was burning and breaking so much that even crying won’t even be enough to show your pain, he's here expressing his everlasting love for you while in the past you've waited and waited for him to tell you that he loves you even if he's warming the bed of some woman he met at his tavern.

“You’re selfish you know that? Barging into my life again as if you can undo all that hurt you caused. Well shits been done Diluc, I’ve moved on and because I’m stupid and a pathetic excuse of a human I know that even if I marry Kaeya I’ll still care for you and that I can’t live without you but don’t make me prove that I can”

He moves to take your hand again but stops when you both heard someone running to your direction.

“(Y/n)? We’re all looking for you, if you’re having doubts and or anxious, I understand we can- what are you doing here?”

Kaeya's relief at seeing you was quickly replaced with a sneer directed at his brother.

“You’re not a part of this brother, best to leave us-” Diluc tries to hide you with his body but you stepped out of his reach before he can hold you again.

“No Diluc, we’re done here. Least you can do is respect my decision”

Turning your back to him, you keep your shoulders square as you brave your way through the halls.

You waited until the walls obscure your view of him before collapsing on Kaeya's embrace, silently crying on his shoulder as you ignore Diluc's shouts of your name.

XIAO

He could feel the wind shifting, he can trace the nostalgia gleefully dancing with the gale.

The yaksha leans into the breeze as he surrendered to it, his clothes flapping against the wind. It was almost like the sound of their laughter, clear and calming even against the howl of the wind.

“Haven’t seen you relaxed like this since forever” you teleported beside him

Xiao stumbles as he regains his composure, you’re always like this, even the vigilant yaksha can be caught lacking when it comes to you. Only you.

“What do you need (Y/n)?”

He tries to be stern, crossing his arms for good measure but blushes when you walk closer to brush a single leaf from his hair.

“I’m here to deliver this”

The adeptus was just opening the envelope you gave him when you started speaking, drumming your fingers against the wooden railing to hide the nervousness in your voice.

“It’ll mean a lot to me if you come Alatus”

A wedding invitation, adorned with red and crimson borders contrasting his teal blue hues. The sides of the paper crumples under his hand before he give it back to you.

“Don’t expect me to make an appearance, the adepti are very busy to even entertain such occasions”

“But Cloud Retainer and the others are coming! Even Morax and Barbatos and Ganyu even Madame Ping!” your voice reaching a note higher to make a point.

“Why even invite me? Besides you’re tying yourself to that mortal. A foolish act honestly, you’re an adeptus and you’re going to waste your life with someone whose life is but a fickle?”

“That mortal saved and loved me when I’m in my lowest-”

“And I do not?!”

Surprised by his outburst, you tried calming him down as you smile hesitantly.

“That’s not what I’m trying to say Xiao and you know it”

“Then leave me be, go and waste your life away with him. I don’t care”

“Let go of my hand then”

Xiao only glares at you, his grip on your hand never faltering.

“You’re always like this, you always push me away then act as if you love me back. I tried Xiao, I really did but I grew tired of all this. It was like always crossing a tightrope with you. When you ended the relationship, I respected that and still tried to be there for you because before all this you were my friend but I’m so tired Xiao. I don’t think I can even be in your life anymore”

“No. (Y/n), I- let’s try again. This time I promise to not hurt you so please don’t- I don’t think I can live in a world without you in it”

He speaks softly, his breath catching as he waits for your answer.

“If you asked me years ago Xiao, I would have said yes but I can’t betray Kazuha like that”

Xiao's heart breaks for you again as he gazes at you. He can't see the love you had for him in your eyes as you usually do, he can’t accept the fact that he’s too late and already lost you to someone else.

You sighed, used to him disappearing on you in the past, as he vanished in a whisp of curling black smoke before you could move. Unbeknownst to you, a teal feathered bird was circling the mountains of Liyue, his song crying of regret and heartbreak.

[kandisheek]

FIC REC WEEK 27 – NO POWERS

This Love I Hold True by justanotherrollingstony (adoctoraday)

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: T Words: 3,219 Tags: Marriage Proposal, College AU, Pre-Serum Steve

Summary: Tony and Steve have known and loved each other for years, and now it's time to make it official.

Reasons why I love it: I never knew that I needed to see Steve ripping into Howard like that, but boy howdy, it's so satisfying. I love both Steve's and Tony's perspectives in this, and the proposal scene just feels perfect for them. This fic is absolutely lovely, and I hope you check it out for yourself!

He Blinded Me With Science by youcancallmearrow

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: G Words: 9,220 Tags: Office AU, Found Family, Fluff

Summary: The Security Admin Department at Stark Industries has a point system in place to pass the time. +10 points for tagging management with a "Kick Me" post it note +10 points for paging a punny fake name over the office intercom without getting caught +10 points for stealing any office supplies off Clint's desk and returning it in jello +20 points for making Steve swear It's a good thing productivity isn't in the job description.

Reasons why I love it: This is the kind of Avengers team I love to see! They're giving family vibes left and right, and I love how they basically adopt Tony and Bruce instantly. And the Stony in this one is cute as hell, plus I'm giving extra points for morally upstanding decision-making regarding workplace romances. This fic is wonderful, and you should definitely read it!

The weather outside is frightful by BladeoftheNebula

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: T Words: 5,552 Tags: A/B/O, Snowed In, Courtship

Summary: “I can’t believe this!” Steve paused, his hand hovering over the piece of firewood. Was that—? “Of all the idiotic, selfish—“ The last of the words were cut off by the wind, but that was definitely a voice. Steve frowned. The voice was too clear to be coming from a truck or a car, which meant they must be on foot. He looked at the heavy fall of the snow. No one should be out in this. Or, Tony is an omega in distress, and Steve is just the alpha-in-shining armour he needs.

Reasons why I love it: Yeees, give me all the mountain man Steve! Neb always writes fantastic A/B/O settings, and this one is no exception! I love how respectful Steve is, especially in contrast with Ty, that weasely ass. And Tony is adorable, as usual. I love this fic so much, and I bet you will too, so I hope you give it a shot!

When Love Comes Knocking (You Out) by itsallAvengers

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: T Words: 8,591 Tags: Meet-Ugly, Parent Tony, Misunderstandings

Summary: Steve really just wanted to buy some goddamn groceries. Instead, he tries to help a kid who's managed to get lost in a Walmart parking lot and ends up being punched in the face by his irate and panicked father. Surprisingly, this doesn't turn out as badly as it sounds.

Reasons why I love it: Oh Steve, in today's day and age you should've known what was coming to you. I love this entire premise, and protective single dad Tony is always a treat. Also love the bad boy vibes Steve is giving off throughout the whole thing, it's a really cool take on his character in modern times. This fic is fantastic, and you should definitely read it!

What Could've Been by itsallAvengers

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: E Words: 11,047 Tags: Canon Divergence, Palladium Poisoning, Service Top Steve

Summary: So. Tony's dying. Palladium poisoning is a shitty, painful way to go, but hey: at least it's his birthday party, right? A cool send off. Lots of alcohol and fun and girls and- ...And all Tony wants is Steve Rogers, the stupid Art Professor who used Tony for a booty call now and again and whom Tony had stupidly decided to start falling in love with. Whilst in the middle of getting slowly poisoned to death. God, he wished his life was easier.

Reasons why I love it: This fic is so sad and so beautiful at the same time. All the little signs of how much they care for each other just make my heart melt. I love Steve's reaction to seeing Tony's chest for the first time, and the dialogue throughout the entire fic is incredible. Definitely check this one out, it's so good!

[bitter-hibiscus]

I made a post a little while ago about hating the RHATO dynamic for JayRoy so here's how they work in my mind (spoiler alert, it's not healthy)

Jason is in his early 20s and Roy is in his mid-30s in my mind. this is important

Jason has Rampant daddy issues and he likes that Roy is a mostly serious older man that makes him feel kind of stupid and is Just A Little condescending (because fuck the "dumbass Roy" RHATO characterization)

Roy has been grieving Lian for like a decade now and while romance is not necessarily the best way to cope with that, it makes him feel good that he can "take care" of Jason. the age difference isn't particularly appealing to him, though, but he does like that Jason is a little bit obsessed with him

Roy is very no-nonsense when it comes to Jason's Bullshit, and calls him out when he's being too egocentric and selfish. Jason, in turn, calls Roy out when he lets The Horrors get to him too much and motivates him to work out and shower and deal with Life

Both of their brains move a hundred miles an hour, so neither of them mind it when the other isn't paying Full Attention to what they're saying. This also works because Roy has a tendency to forget mundane tasks while Jason forgets big events/plans, and they remind each other of stuff constantly

I also think Jason would be intimately familiar with addiction, even though his thing was alcohol and not drugs, and it would make Roy feel a little more settled about his heroin addiction (esp considering Catherine) that Jason knows how recovery works and is willing to support Roy in the right ways

Roy is also not naive, but he is a sucker and he's desperate for someone to stay in his life for once. Jason, obviously, does not, because he can't deal with Being Happy and has a tendency to think all the evil in the world is his fault, but he comes back because he's an asshole, and Roy does believe in second chances and he would love it if Jason loved him so much that he couldn't stand to stay away (Jason leaves again because he's an asshole)

I think that after that Roy would be willing to hold Jason at arms' length but wouldn't get back with him, especially after he finds out Lian is alive. Jason, for as much as Roy loves him, is not someone he would want around his daughter. Jason is only really able to think about himself so while he does respect Roy's decision, he doesn't really fully back off, and Roy understands Jason's psyche too much to fully shoo him away

Anyway yeah I think their relationship would be a lot more grim and a lot less "idiots in love" like most people seem to characterize them as. Both Roy and Jason understand their own inner workings and know what they crave in relationships. They aren't dumb or codependent, though maybe a little inter-depentent.

[carefulfears]

so ... demons coming right after elegy, in the middle of the cancer arc is a crazy choice and i know it means something. please share all your big brain thoughts on mulder & demons?

well...it's kind of like...in elegy, they're being haunted by the future (omens of scully's impending death), in demons, they're haunted by the past (visions from before samantha disappeared). both are highly metaphorical, and both are intrusive, even though he sought out the second. the first is too much. the second isn't enough. and after elegy it's becoming clear that...nothing will be enough. she is so close to death that she can see it. she can't...hide it from him, anymore. she's been dying for a long time. and she doesn't make him face it. she never has that moment where she tells him to just get over it. she never has that moment where she tells him to just accept it, stop avoiding it. she goes to all of her appointments alone. she bleeds alone. even in elegy when they almost argue over it, she tells him that she is fine, and then she goes outside and cries in her car.

but she's not fine, she's so close to death that she can see it, and he knows that. he's so eternally aware. mulder's fatal flaw is that he can see the world, he understands every underlying system, he knows people and how they think. and when he says "i refuse to believe that," he knows that doesn't make it go away. in elegy, he tells her that he's afraid, and she tells him that she's fine. it is a system established long before this particular death sentence.

in the script notes for the last scene of never again, it is remarked that: “if it were ever going to happen, it would be now. as they maintain the silence.”

the way i see it, never again is when they knew. they are not escaping each other. they are dying together. you are coming down with me. (hand in unlovable hand). and then, in the very next episode, comes a diagnosis. they are dying together. and they are dying now. silence is maintained.

so what does she do, after her diagnosis? she buys a journal, and she writes. she writes him letter after letter after letter. begging forgiveness. begging grace. begging courage.

the page that he found, that he read, this is what it said:

“mulder, i feel you close, though i know that you are now pursuing your own path. for that i am grateful- more than i could ever express. i need to know you’re out there if i am ever to see through this.”

i need to know you’re out there. a few months later, in demons, a gun to his chin on the floor of his childhood home, does she feel that he’ll be “out there”? she finds out she doesn’t have much longer to live, maybe weeks, in the next episode, and she doesn’t tell him. she maintains silence.

there’s so much discourse over the choices that mulder makes in demons…it was selfish, it was stupid, it was confusing…i see people ask all the time why he would willingly do something that causes everyone to kill themselves. the answer, of course, is that mulder wants to kill himself. that’s not new, we all watched pusher. (scully watched too). in redux it’s revealed that the “gethsemane” of the episode directly following demons is not scully’s inevitable and closely impending death, it’s mulder alone in his apartment with a gun.

i’m really uninterested in attempting to moralize these decisions…what’s “selfish” at the end of the world? i think demons makes people uncomfortable. to watch a dying woman care for her reckless partner. i also think that’s…the point.

demons is desperate. there’s an obvious desperation in mulder, of course, but also in scully.

throughout season four, we’re watching scully die. she’s getting smaller. she’s getting weaker. she’s getting sicker. but as it progresses, scully is realizing that mulder is dying too. and it all culminates in demons. and what can she do but be afraid? what can she do but get down on the ground and hold him? what can she do but write about what she fears will happen to him? she won’t be there.

nothing will ever be enough after elegy. and there’s nothing that he can do that’s enough. he can’t save her (so he thinks). and…he can’t solve the quest before she dies. he can’t give her the answers that she’s dying for. demons to me is such a last ditch effort. such a hail mary. she deserved to know the capital t Truth, before she’s gone. and i think they both know that maybe, when she is gone, it will never be found.

[ink-and-dagger]

Hiii! I want to start by saying that I love your writing and I have re-read Drink With Me roughly 3 times now and it never gets old. However, with me rereading I can’t help but wonder about some silly hypotheticals regarding the story. So…if you don’t mind me asking, could you enlighten me😩🙏🏾😩🙏🏾😩:

1.) How would Silco and Reader (Astrid’s) mother interact? Do you think she would be scared of him? Or would she have him by the hypothetical balls?

1.5) Also branching off of the previous question: what would be the Readers, mother’s reaction to them getting back together?

2.) Could you see Silco and Reader (Astrid) getting married?

3.) Has Reader (Astrid) moved in with Silco by this point or does she just stay with him off and on?

4.) Since the Marcus fiasco, what would the interactions between Silco, Marcus, and Reader (Astrid) be like? Would there be tension or would Silco and Astrid rub it in his face? Perhaps some threats from Silco?🤔🤔🤔

5.) What would Reader (Astrid) and Silco’s relationship look like to an outsider? This question, I’m asking because two of my favorite chapters post Drink with Me are VIP Booth and Shag Rug. And both are instances where there are other people around or nearby when Astrid is dragged off by Silco😅😂. So I just wonder what the average bystanders would think, considering their relationship is private.

I hope this wasn’t too much. I just finally noticed that the link on AO3 was to your tumblr and I wanted to show some love.

P.S. if this is too much, feel free to disregard!

Thank you so much sweet anon! I'm so glad you enjoyed it enough to reread 3 times sob sob <3 <3 <3 Apologies for taking a hot minute, but here are some answers for you...

1.) How would Silco and Astrid’s mother interact? And what would be her mother’s reaction to them getting back together?

This is probably the number 1 top question/request I always get in my askbox lmfao. Silco has little to no interest in ever meeting Astrid's mother, and Astrid is cool with that too. However, if they ever did meet, mother dearest would certainly not have Silco by the balls. Her initial reaction to meeting him would be fear. After that, it would go either one of 2 ways depending on what mood Silco was in that day. He'd either stoke that fear. Or he'd charm her, and have her referring to him as the son she never had within roughly 10 minutes. I'd say the former is most likely, the latter would only be in order to lure her into a false sense of security before petrifying her with a benignly worded threat at a later date.

As to how she'd react to them getting back together post DWM - she'd disapprove (naturally), and would give Astrid a lovely long lecture about how stupid she is to make the same mistake twice and how Astrid's selfish decision is going to impact her [mother's] life.

2.) Could you see Silco and Astrid getting married?

Yes and no.

My headcanon is that marriage isn't hugely common in Zaunite culture because there's no pressure to prove the legitimacy of relationships (familial, romantic or otherwise). In Piltover, families are tied through blood and matrimony. In the Undercity, they're forged in fire. Genetics are inconsequential in Zaun - if you're kin, you're kin, regardless of the blood in your veins, and that's something that Topsiders by nature will never be able to comprehend. In Piltover, a couple who have been together for 2 years and married for 1 would be taken far more seriously and given more rights than a couple who have been living together for 10 years but aren't married. It's all about societal appearances and expectations up there. But in Zaun, none of that matters. Siblings born in hardship are no less than siblings born in blood. Love and loyalty down in the depths isn't defined by anything so tangible.

I'm not saying that people don't get married in Zaun - I'm certain they do - I'm just saying that it isn't such a thing as it is in Piltover or other similarly built societies. There's no expectation for a couple to get married after being together for a certain amount of time, and there's no judgement if they don't.

The reason Astrid's mother is so caught up with the idea is hard for me to put into a few words. She's resentful of her lot in life; a part of her feels she deserves to be wallowing in the Undercity, and another part of her is envious of those who aren't. She places Piltover on this weird pedestal of admiration. She's the type of working class woman who moans about how shitty her life is at the same time as having a framed picture of the monarch on her living room wall.

3.) Has Astrid moved in with Silco by this point?

Soz babe, I'm sitting on this answer a while longer :)

4.) Since the Marcus fiasco, what would the interactions between Silco, Marcus, and Astrid be like?

Tense.

Pretty much immediately after the epilogue in DWM, Astrid and Silco would have spent the morning in bed talking a lot of things out. Including Marcus. Silco no longer holds the past against Astrid, and they are both committed to moving forward together. Despite this, Marcus does remain somewhat of a sore spot in their relationship. Not actively per se, but Astrid avoids mentioning him at all costs, and tends to stay well out of the way whenever the Sheriff comes for a meeting. At the start of their relationship, she also made sure to stay away the night after any meeting too, to give Silco space as his mood post-Marcus meetings tended to be a little unpredictable. But as time passed and her relationship with Silco became more solid, the intensity of this 'sore spot' became less and less. Astrid still avoids mentioning Marcus, and stays well clear of him whenever he visits, but it isn't so awkward as it was at the start of her relationship with Silco now. That being said - the three of them haven't occupied the same room since that one fateful meeting in Chapter 14...

5.) What does Astrid and Silco’s relationship look like to an outsider?

That depends. By this point pretty much the entirety of Silco's staff knows about them in an unofficial capacity. They just pretend not to know. Let's face it - Silco and Astrid aren't as subtle as they think, and their chemistry is evident to anyone with eyes and half a brain. The only people who know about them 'officially' are Jinx, Sevika, Jasper, Max, Astrid's Mum, and Ran (Ran was an unfortunate accident - they walked in whilst S&A were sharing an intimate moment. They swore to secrecy and it's never been mentioned again).

There may be a few regulars in The Last Drop that suspect something is going on between Silco and the cute bartender - but most would likely assume it's a purely physical arrangement. Those who don't frequent the Drop as often and happen to see Silco pulling Astrid off somewhere private would most likely avert their eyes and think poor girl...

[cannebady]

Well, I'm on my Stizzy bullshit.

This is steddyhands where Stede and Izzy are both smitten with each other but struggling to communicate it.

They're sleeping together, but only with Ed too and it's all Ed being dominant and Izzy being submissive and Stede kinda just being along for the ride. Anyway, they're figuring it out.

And Izzy loves how rough and possessive Ed gets loves what they do together and that they actually get to do this now.

In fact, that's what sparked his predicament. Because the only reason he and Ed worked their shit out is because Stede called them both out like a prissy little bull in a fancy fuck off China shop and if he hadn't stuck his stupid nose where it didn't belong, Izzy wouldn't have everything he could ever want.

Well, everything he used to want. He was never much for tenderness, if he's honest. Soft things don't survive at sea and he learned that young.

Stede, though. Stede survives at sea. Hell, he even fucking thrives, and he's seen that man make slow, sweet, mind-rendingly gentle love to fucking Blackbeard until Ed is sobbing, and begging, and nearly out of his mind with it.

He got to watch once and it's fucked him up ever since. Because it turns out there is something else Izzy Hands can want for. He can want for soft hands to touch him with love, and with intent. To take pleasure in his pleasure. And he supposes he could ask Ed for it, but he likes the way Ed touches him.

He wants Stede to touch him like that. He wants him to do it because he wants to, not to put on a show for Ed or to prove a point. Izzy wants Stede Bonnet to fucking ruin him with his soft hands and his filthy words, and his ridiculous cock and it's driving him out of his blessed mind.

Because Stede has seen Ed hit, kick, choke, scratch, and fuck Izzy at knife point. He's seen Izzy get his face brutally fucked by the visage of Blackbeard and yes he loves it, craves it even, but maybe, he's finding, he can love more than one kind of thing. More than one kind of person.

He handles it about as well as he handles anything else, which is not really that well at all. It starts to get into his head - why doesn't Stede initiate anything with him? The bastard takes every other damn thing he pleases, but he won't ask to fuck Izzy?

So he draws the logical conclusion; he's here for Ed and Stede and Stede is there for Ed and tolerant of Izzy. He doesn't pine for touch from Izzy, or lay awake a night imagining something as simple as a kiss. And why would he? Stede has Ed, who looks like that, and Izzy's tried to fuck him over so many times. It's not his fault that Izzy's broken, corroded heart tripped headlong into love from loathing when Izzy's given him no reason to reciprocate.

So, he makes a decision to lock those feelings down deep. He kept himself from touching Ed for nearly thirty years and he's pretty sure they don't all have thirty years left considering their line of work, so this should be easy. A piece of fucking cake.

But every time there's soft words and touches between the loves of his life, it hurts something deep in him. It hurts that Stede sees Ed and wants to give him everything and he doesn't feel that way with Izzy.

But Izzy's a selfish bastard, and he wants.

It comes to a head, as many things do, when he gets absolutely pissed on whiskey during shore leave. Ed is off doing fuck knows what, but Stede decided to come to the pub with Izzy and he doesn't know what all to make of that, but they're getting drunker and drunker, and Izzy keeps ordering drink after drink to ignore how good Stede's thigh feels against his and how much he wants those hands on him.

His mood turns sour quickly when his mind starts the whole pining lark again and, after Stede's fifth assertion that Izzy had enough and should come with him back to the ship, Izzy reaches the end of his rope.

"I'm a grown man, fuck off you poncey twat" he growls and he wants to inhale the words back into his stupid drunk mouth because Stede looks stricken, then like he's gathering up pieces of himself to put back away.

"Well then, alright." Stede replies and then gets up and walks out like he isn't taking Izzy's mangled heart with him.

Fuck.

He has a few more drinks because at this point why not? What does he have to lose save for more of his waning dignity. Getting a room and heading back to the Revenge in the morning is a tempting option, but something draws him back to the ship. It might just be that it's a home for him; very possibly the only one he's ever really acknowledged.

He's not nearly as drunk as he expects, but he's got a twisting, roiling feeling in his gut anyway. The walk was supposed to clear his head, but by the time he realizes that it didn't, he's wringing his fucking hands and already standing in front of the Captains cabin. His cabin, some may even call it (Ed and Stede do).

He walks in with a degree of confidence that only truly not giving a fuck and approximately eight whiskeys can buy you, and there's Stede, with a light blue silk robe draped across his shoulders, perfect blonde curls sitting about his shoulders, and a pair of hastily wiped red eyes that Izzy reckons he may have put there himself. He's immediately sober in a way he doesn't expect and he feels the crushing weight of his feelings and this secret he's dug into his chest.

Stede goes to speak, but Izzy's running on regret and adrenaline and just needs him to listen for one fucking second before he loses his nerve. He's sure if he doesn't say this now he never will.

"I want you," he says, and Stede's jaw drops a bit before he inhales like he's about to respond, "no, stop, let me talk." His voice is wildly steady given the shaking of his hands.

"I do, I fucking want you, okay? And I think you're a ponce too, but I see what-" his voice cracks. Fuck. He better get this out quick.

"I want you to fuck me like you fuck Ed and I want what you and Ed have too. But I don't think it'll fucking work because you love him and you don't love me and-"

Whatever he meant to say is taken away from him by Stede's warmth, and seconds later, by one of his gorgeous, soft hands brushing the swallow inked at Izzy's throat, and by the hazel eyes staring down into his and fucking shit, he's seen that tenderness a million times before, but never directed at him.

"Don't love you?", Stede's voice is soft and brimming with emotion, "Of course I love you, how couldn't I?"

And Izzy doesn't even care that it's cheesy or and doesn't want to wonder if it isn't true. He doesn't care that he can think up a thousand reasons that he wouldn't be loved, starting with slicing up Stede's shirt and stealing a hostage, then ending with actual betrayal via British Navy, but again Stede found a way to surprise him.

He's going to say it back, but what comes out is a whine and then soft lips are over his, and soft hands are around his waist and oh fucking hell.

It's good, is the thing. Stede's holding him so gently, but also like he can't imagine letting go. As he slowly licks Izzy's mouth open he's running one hand from his hair, to his jaw, to his waist, then his hip to pull them flush, and then right back up to grip the back of Izzy's head like Stede can't fathom not touching all of Izzy and fuck if Izzy doesn't wholeheartedly agree.

He remembers that he also has hands, and then buries them both in Stede's hair. It's so soft and and this close he can see the whites and grays that Stede hasn't avoided and it makes Izzy feral. This isn't the Stede of his dreams, nor some perfect gentleman from a society that rejected Izzy from childhood, this is the real deal, the mad man, the lunatic, this fucking incredible being, and fuck its doing Izzy's head in.

When Stede breaks the kiss, they both realize that they've moved so that Stede's pressing Izzy into the wall next to the bed. Izzy's panting, barely holding himself up, and he grinds up against Stede, for the friction and to be a little shit, and Stede's eyes darken. He's so lost in them that he barely realizes that Stede's hands have moved before he's being bodily picked fucking up and oh yeah, Stede has actual fucking muscles now, which fuck fuck fuck. He gets why Ed loses his fucking mind for this.

He groans and Stede whispers into his ear, close enough that he can feel his lips, his breath, "Israel, darling, let me take you to bed."

And Izzy's breathing out, "Yes, fuck, finally". He feels safe and wanted and fucking loved and it's sending him floating.

He lets that warmth light him up as Stede lays him down, curls hanging in the space between them, before he kisses Izzy again and they're both lost to the gentle, sweet expression of love and devotion they both deserve.

[ahundredtimesover]

You did your big one with the last update.  I was on an emotional roller coaster. It took me almost 2 hours to read all 23K words because I had to stop several times to process my emotions with our couple. OMG so many feels and my babies I was just drowning right now, like their lack of emotional maturity, it’s so pitiful to see play out I feel like they are definitely sabotaging their own happiness and as much as I want to be mad, considering both of their backgrounds, it makes sense. it also is why they are so perfect for each other so it’s hard no scratch that is painful to see them  be a part when we know they are so much better together. Sorry my mind is all over the place. I hope for JK’s sake Namjoon has a wife. When the two families history was being revealed I really thought Daddy Jeon maybe had an affair with her mom so I was totally shocked that isw as an emotional affair with Mr Ri , like shocked stupid . Ugh I love how Hobi is all for family and willing to there fore JK at anytime . I hate how she feels that burden to server the family/company . But I do feel that JK is now being punished for something outside his control . I am drawing a parallel of how her crazy father lead to him being left in the rain as a kid and now her moms history with the company is leading to him being left by the women he loves now . It makes me question the string of fate that connects them , is this string a string of destiny or a noose that will burden their relationship to be ill fated . I am on the edge of my seat waiting for them to follow up now that everything is out in the open.

In a perfect world OC works for RKive and has a longstanding partnership with the Arts Center , I marry Yoongi and we all live happily ever after . Also I am curios where the hell is JK’s older brother at , do we know as readers . Will the family’s all reconnect at some point . Which supporting character delivers the speech to push OC to analyze her feelings for JK and his words . Is the ex boyfriend gone for good . Anymore plot twists , I am going to be up all night now .

Thank you for posting I love the series so far . I hope you ace your test/paper !!

Sorry if this is a big thing jumble i used text to speech for a large portion because I had to speak these thoughts into the universe

🚧spoilers 🚧

HI OMG U USED TEXT SPEECH? Haha why does that amuse me! I'm just imagining someone just expressing all this and says "In a perfect world... I marry Yoongi and we all live happily ever after" with a straight face hahaha but... same. 😂😂

Anyway. If 23k took you that long... Well, there's 24k and 28k. I can't shut up. 🫣🫣 But yes to emotions! We'll have more of those!

Of course, it's so easy to say that they're so stupid and perhaps they are. But similar to what you said, they have a lot of baggage that they carry and it's not easy to just give in to one's feelings when there's so much weighing them down.

And lol at the thought that there could've been an affair haha someone said that, too! But no, it's actually much more painful. And true, JK's experiencing all this and it's out of his control - he loses whether he asks OC to stay or lets her go. It's similar to her feeling selfish whether she resigns or not. We lose something with every decision we make but like Mr Ri said, we have to make them; it's the only way we can stand by them.

It makes me question the string of fate that connects them , is this string a string of destiny or a noose that will burden their relationship to be ill fated - getting all poetic on me now? BUT HMM interesting question. We'll just have to wait and see! As for your other questions... I can't say much but it'll be fun!! 🤭🤭

Pls don't apologize. I love these messages. I'm sorry I got to it late. I managed to submit my paper and my brain's just been tired for the past few days and I have 2 more to submit... HAHA but yes, I appreciate you. Hope you enjoy the rest of it!! 💕💕

[blackberry-mochi]

cw: lots of complaining and acting terrible over loneliness and dissatisfaction I promised before that I would stop myself from complaining out in the open, because holding myself accountable to a promise usually works, but apparently that strategy is only moderately effective and has a distinct time limit, much like everything that influences me, I guess. I have been able to just go "no, I need to be quiet" for the past month and a half, and that's worked, even if it's admittedly felt terrible reinforcing the decision, but. Y'know. Sometimes you're trying to write something you want to write, and that something includes jumbled up people finding help and love, and sometimes you zoom out and get struck with an intense and gross pain from realizing, oh, right, this is just escapism; none of these positive feelings are coming from a realistic place; I shouldn't feel relief or joy from any of this. 

The scenarios I'm writing aren't even fantastical or unrealistic, though. The scenarios are based on patience and unconditional love existing, which are two concepts that do exist in some folks' lives. But it's escapism for me, absolutely. And that feels awful. Love this awful feeling.  Love watching other people in the world finding out they have problems and obtaining help for said problems, like that's something normal and basic and they're obviously allowed to have that. Love having this dead-end and unnecessary life. Love that getting professional help wouldn't even fix my life anyway, so I shouldn't care about my lack of help. Love that the primary issue is that I'm stuck living with abusers, and I love that I've wasted too much of my life to have any opportunities to change that. 

Love that, even if an opportunity to change my life were presented to me, no, I'd almost certainly pass. That sounds terrifying, after all. Getting away from my abusers sounds terrifying. Trying to actually live and develop into a real person instead of some miserable and abusive jackass sounds impossible. I don't want things to change, I guess. What a pathetic and annoying bit of blatant hypocrisy, huh. Love being this way. Love the way it feels to be trapped by both myself and the miserable circumstances of my life in general.   And by love it, I mean, god is it one of the worst feelings imaginable. It feels like absolute isolation and hopelessness. And the feeling is made all the worse with the knowledge that, y'know, circling back and looping all of this miserable garbage, even if I were willing to leave, there's no opportunities available to me to even accomplish that to begin with. But that's not very special, is it. It's honestly really privileged of me to complain that I'm not in a better situation, considering how the only problems I apparently have are an empty day-to-day life and a general feeling of being trapped with abusers who have always undermined me as a person and undercut the potential value of my life.

Whatever, right? The entire reason I said "I should stop complaining" is primarily because I know that complaining only makes people hate me, ignore me, and block me. I'm an exhausting person to look at and acknowledge. Just so uncooperative and histrionic and unpleasant. But the less selfish and less manipulative reason for shutting up is that, no, the only thing in my life that matters is my family. 

Nobody online matters. Nobody I'm marginally connected to actually exists to me. Nothing I can say or do online could ever have a tangible impact on my life. Nothing's going to affect my life in any real way, nothing besides my family. My stupid family of 12 that's left me incompetent and unpleasant thanks to abuse and neglect and abuse and neglect and abuse and neglect. I can't blame my family for all my problems, though, right? I'm the one who decided to give up to begin with, so it's my fault I'm so darn unsalvageable. Even if, I don't know, I was 8 or so when that decision was made, that's a fucking excuse, right? Clearly a fucking 8 year old should be held accountable for being a selfish and depressed piece of shit, right? So fucking immature. So fucking annoying. So fucking disconnected from reality, dreaming of a fantasy world, acting like they have it worse than anybody else in their goddamn family, begging for attention when they're just a spoiled brat.

And now, as somebody who's apparently just as mature as they were when they were 8, what does talking about any of my problems do except spread my negative feelings, something that bothers absolutely everybody that I force into giving me attention? I'm only talking about this because it feels awful keeping all of these rancid feelings to myself because, again, god, being lonely sure is the worst feeling in the world for me. But what does this ranting do? Nothing! It doesn't accomplish anything! It does nothing except invite and encourage people to ignore me, which is the only reasonable response to my utterly selfish and annoying and impossible-to-help behavior. Hate it. Hate having a completely disposable and unwanted life. Hate being an awful person who constantly has awful urges that compel them to do awful things to avoid or mute the worse feelings they're stuck with, feelings they only have because they're awful to begin with and deserve to feel awful. Hate it. Hate being a problem. 

Hate looking at myself from afar and knowing without a fucking doubt that I'm the kind of person that everybody should/will ignore and hate for being so goddamn overwhelming emotionally but unnecessary and unremarkable. So, even if anybody did reach out to me and try to help, I shouldn't accept it. They'd end up hating me at some point, no matter what. It's already happening, after all. The evidence is there. It's been there my entire life. So many relationships ruined by me being too fucking annoying and overwhelming and useless and dependent.  

But oh well. Whatever. None of this is new. Absolutely none of this. I've been thinking this way since I was 14 at least and ruined one other person's life by abusing and parasitizing them for four whole fucking years of our life, just because they wanted me to feel less sad. I guess the reason I'm saying all this right now, though, is because I'm so fucking angry at the fact that my emotions and feelings are so fucking absurd in the worst ways possible, both egregiously overwhelming and frustratingly underwhelming, because apparently being robbed at gunpoint and being abused and ignored by everybody surrounding me afterwards isn't something I'm capable of having clear and resounding feelings about. All I know is I feel fucking exhausted. That's all. That's really the sum of my feelings. I hate it. I hate having such a broken, defeatist brain. All I can do is type out the way I want to feel, but I barely feel that way. It's pathetic.

Wow, great, amazing, my bank sure did decide that I wasn't robbed and therefore don't deserve any insurance or whatever after a person held me up at gunpoint and stole my phone and wallet. No, you're right, whoever the fuck investigated my claim. I did willingly give that person everything on me and I did willingly let them empty my bank account. We're best friends or something, obviously. And you're right, abusers, I did deserve this and God obviously caused this, as a sign. A sign that I need to go study cyber security and make the world safer or whatever fucking inconsistent bullshit I've been peddled over and over that never goes anywhere because my abusers are fucking self-righteous and disconnected from reality thanks to how perfectly privileged they are, acting like any of their random ideas for fixing my life are anything but fleeting wishes based on ignorant delusions based on looking at their kids and going "Why are you so much worse than me? What's wrong with you? Why can't you just be better? You're smart enough. You're just lazy. You don't deserve anything if you're going to be this lazy. Why did I have to be so unlucky and have 10 children who are so damn lazy, God?" 

I was expecting this result, though. I complained when it happened. I said "I know I'm not going to be reimbursed" and "I know my abusers are going to abuse me for getting robbed", and what do you know! That was right! I was hoping I was just being overly pessimistic, but I wasn't, hooray! I'm fine financially, though, so whatever. I still have my job, so whatever. I'm alive, so whatever. The robber didn't gun me down, so whatever. It would've been nice if that had happened, but whatever. The robber was never going to do that. I wouldn't be surprised if the gun had been fake. I was simply robbed because somebody decided to rob somebody and I got unlucky. Dying absolutely wasn't a part of that unlucky situation. Just robbing. I guess that's why I only feel exhausted. I just want to move on from this bullshit because the only thing that can be done is to keep going, as always. Ignore all my problems because nothing can be done. Just keep living. Because I don't have the capability or willpower to change anything in my life.

It's just so exhausting. Putting in so much effort to make sure I can still pay for nearly $500 worth of debts a couple days after being robbed completely was exhausting. Being notified that I wasn't getting any of my money back was exhausting. Having my abusers message me and harass me for being rejected compensation was exhausting. Knowing that my entire life revolves around my abusers is exhausting. Everything is exhausting. And if everything's exhausting, it's hard to know what does and doesn't matter. It's hard to be angry. I'm too tired to be angry at my life circumstances. I hate it. I wonder how I'd feel if I just had my own bank account, though. A bank account that my abusers couldn't look over constantly like hawks, judging me for fucking everything I buy and questioning me at least once a week on whether I should be buying any of the things I buy if they aren't food and fuel and debts. Maybe that would be nice. But if I did that, my abusers would absolutely hurt me for it, because they want to keep track of me, because I'm incompetent and lazy and they have to make sure I'm working because the only valuable part of me is that I can work without any limiting factors apart from sleep deprivation, exhaustion, and depression, three things that have never been respected and have only ever invited abuse from everybody around me my entire life. Frankly, it's stupid of me to act like those factors exist. They've never existed. I'm just lazy. I'm bad at sleeping. I'm bad at sleeping. I'm so goddamn bad at sleeping. Stop playing on the computer every night. Stop lying in bed for 12 hours a day and only getting 4 hours of sleep at best. It's the video games. They're the reason you're not getting enough sleep. And tea. And all the food you eat. And the fact that you stay up at night. Stop staying up at night. Go to bed at a reasonable hour. Stop being a useless leech. You're just irresponsible. You're not sleeping for 12 hours a day. That's a lie. You're just lazy. Shut up.

But yeah. It really would've been nice to not wake up a week and a half ago to see that all the temporary credit I was given was taken back with the explanation "Our investigation led us to conclude the transactions made to your account were done with the permission of the account holder". 

I guess I don't mind, though, like I said, like I've been saying over and over and over again, like I want to feel fucking furious over. I'm too exhausted and disconnected from my life to care, apparently. Whatever. I felt so fucking stressed when I saw that result, but now I don't feel anything except the feeling that I should be feeling something, but I feel nothing, so I guess my brain is broken, so whatever. I didn't need that money anyway, so whatever. It's not like I'm saving up for anything. It just would've given me a chance to stop working for a while if I ever felt like being self-destructive and lazy. My abusers would abuse the shit out of me if I did that, though, so that wasn't even an option, so whatever. Nothing's changed. I haven't actually lost anything. I'm just acting like a histrionic child. 

Y'know, this is so stupid to complain about, isn't it. It's pathetic. It's so irritating to listen to. It's so privileged. I'm in a privileged position, clearly, super clearly. I can still pay for rent and all my other monthly debts despite being robbed and ignored, so whatever. I'm not in any trouble because I practiced frugality and acted so darn responsible right after the incident, without any help from anybody, because I had no other choice, so whatever. I didn't have to experience whatever my abusers plan on doing when I'm too lazy to maintain my meager financial independence, so whatever. My life is perfectly fine, so whatever. Everything is perfectly fine, so whatever. The only problem is that I'm bored, so whatever. Just so bored. Plain ole boredom. That's all this is. So whatever. 

It isn't emptiness. A concept like that is ridiculous. It's delusional. That's so melodramatic. Shut up. You're just a selfish and lazy brat. 

I'm just so goddamn selfish. I want to be given things I don't deserve. What a miserable and shallow waste of space. But whatever. As long as I shut up, whatever. I need to shut up, so whatever. If I don't shut up, then people will reject me, block me, hate me, and, most importantly, feel worse than they would've if I just never took up space to begin with, if I never existed, so whatever. I hate that. But whatever. The best thing I can do is shut up and disappear, and whatever. I don't deserve to have a voice. It's cruel that I have one. I hate it. Whatever. 

Whatever, whatever. Everything's fine. I just feel awful. The feeling of hopelessness and abandonment that's apparently intrinsic to my day-to-day life is unbearable, and it keeps ruining my attempts to write some childish and delusional fanfic that only interests me, but whatever. It's just a stupid and tedious-to-read fanfic, so whatever. All I'm doing is just complaining about nothing and then saying whatever. Whatever. I don't want help. I don't want sympathy. Neither of those things actually exist for me. Whenever anybody's ever offered it, it's never helped. If anything, it's made everything worse. Everything is always getting worse. And whatever. I just want to complain. Complain and complain. That's the only thing I've ever been able to do, besides overwhelm people with my intense and ugly persona. Just complain and complain, with a disgusting side of obsession, dependence, desperation, and hate. 

Sorry for being annoying and cagey and isolated and rude and complaintive. That's who I am. Always have been. Just a bitter and angry person whose only redeeming qualities are based on delusional hopes that make them act strange for an indeterminable amount of time, hopes that inevitably pass because my life hasn't moved a goddamn inch at any point ever, hopes that ultimately make me a worse person every time. They're ephemeral hopes that invariably result in everybody around me liking me for a second before realizing, oh, this person sucks, wow, really don't want to see them anymore, gosh, really need to stop talking to them, this was a mistake. Like you, the reader of this, presumably. You're just like every other person I've "gotten to know" after the recent extremely strong and fucking moronic delusion of "maybe I'm allowed to be loved and wanted", as fucking pathetic and ridiculous and melodramatic as it is to have THAT as a wish. A wish that's all the more pathetic when given the context that my repressed state before that hope appeared suddenly was the result of me abusing the shit out of my first and only partner in 2018 and leaving and realizing oh my god I really don't fucking deserve to exist huh, I'm just so fucking insufficient and incapable of beauty huh, I'm just so fucking ugly and awful huh, I'm just so boring and miserable and incompatible with everybody in this goddamn world huh, I'm a selfish and miserable abuser masquerading as a kind and considerate person, huh.   

I'm aroace and completely incapable of loving people in any way whatsoever thanks to disorders that just make me an irredeemable and empty parasite. I can act like I love people. I can believe that I love people. But I just don't have it in me to actually love anybody. So that wish was ridiculous. It was such a stupid wish. I really needed to trash it the moment I remembered, "oh yeah, I have BPD, so nobody can or should love me, and I'm going to die at some point soon, so what am I doing, why did I think this was okay, I should stop, I need to be quiet". 

But I didn't! I didn't give up! I kept going! Like a selfish pest! Isn't that great! Fucking fantastic! It's so fucking stupid to keep up my charade after that realization! I made some stupid art with a mouse for a good-enough reason, and then I had a breakdown and remembered I'm inherently abusive and awful and ugly and obsessive, and it all went downhill from there! I didn't stop, I kept making things, and everything only got worse and worse and worse over time! Loved working on so many random things with the constant, nagging thought "this is hopefully the last thing I make. I'll die after this. Hopefully" until I just gave up on art! Too bad I couldn't follow through on my plan at all! Too bad I'm still alive! But at least I'm not making anything anymore! At least I'm completely fucking irrelevant and unwanted now! That's great! At least things are logical now!

Again, though, I really should've given up as soon as I remembered how flawed I am, a month after I started opening up. But that was only a month later, y'know? There was a whole month of sincere hope and happiness and joy in my life, so of course I was going to act extremely selfish and cling onto stupid delusions like "I can be loved, maybe", despite everything pointing to the contrary. And whatever. I'm a miserable, desperate loser, and whatever. I clung onto stupid things that I had no right to cling onto, and whatever. As always, whatever. My favorite word, "whatever". An incredibly useful word for an abusive and ugly defeatist nihilist who has absolutely no hope or potential for rational hope in their life. Whatever. Things suck and my circumstances are perfectly fair, I'm just a noisy and useless child. 

The only thing I have to add to my usual complaining about my mental illnesses is just, looking up my symptoms to make sure I'm not mistaken on my disorder really is such a mixed bag in terms of catharsis, huh. On one hand, I do feel some amount of understanding and certainty whenever I read through research documents that explain causes of BPD and the statistics of people who have BPD, even if that understanding admittedly usually comes from reading the more depressing stats and going "yeah. It makes sense that people like me are 50x more likely to commit suicide than usual, doesn't it" with no real relief, just acknowledgement. But on the other hand, y'know, having BPD sure does make you a terrible person, and everybody knows it. Anybody talking about it in Quora certainly thinks so anyway. And elsewhere. Everywhere. In every spot that isn't occupied by people with BPD. And I guess I'm partially aroace to avoid that reality, maybe. That has to be a part of it. I am aroace, without a doubt, but a part of that identity is absolutely the result of trauma and fear. Forming any sincere connections with people will always just result in me either disappointing them and disturbing them and abusing them. It really is best to just shut up and stay isolated forever. Hate it. 

Hate it, hate it, hate it. Hate it. Hate it. I hate it so much. Hate these feelings. Hate having no relief. Hate deserving nothing but rejection and hate. Hate having a life that's statistically meant to be over by now. Hate that it's still going. Hate that I can't control any part of my life. Hate being given a life that's nothing but a joke, literally. Hate only existing so two miserable and pathetic abusers could gloat to everybody about how they have 10 kids. Hate this. Hate everything in my life being meaningless and empty and disposable. Hate feeling exhausted. Hate feeling trapped. 

Whatever, though. Everything's fine. I'm still alive, and I'm likely going to keep going and going and going, so whatever. I'm not disowned and homeless yet, so whatever. Maybe once I'm finally disowned and homeless, I'll deserve anything, but, as an abusive, hollow, useless, joyless, loveless, annoying, contrarian loser, I doubt that I'll be given anything when that inevitably happens. I actually just deserve rejection and hate, for everybody's sake. Sure, logically, it's terrible, it deserves sympathy. Being disowned would drive me into a total psychotic breakdown, because insecurity is the scariest concept in existence for a parasite like me. But who cares about logic and expected sympathy? It'll be a good thing if I'm completely rejected and abandoned. That'll push me towards dying, so the insecurity will be justified. It'll be appropriate. Can't wait. Can't wait to die when I'm fully abandoned and disenfranchised. So excited. It'll be great. Hate it. Hate this. Hate everything. But whatever. Who cares.