#they would’ve been the worst ever parents but also the absolute best

[houseswife]

doomed tragic yaoi is all fun and games until you start pondering the Life They Could’ve Had

[pr0serpinas]

I don’t think Solomon actually hates Sebastian.

We know that Solomon got the “retire gracefully or get fired” option extended to him after using an Unforgivable Curse on a Dark Wizard. We also know that Solomon considered Sebastian stubborn, “like your father.” Sebastian’s utter refusal to focus on giving Anne comfort, combined with his willingness to go to any length to save her—whether she wanted it or not—quite possibly scared the shit out of Solomon because it looked like all the worst traits of their family combined. Solomon doesn’t strike me as the most regretful or reflective person, but the strong way he responds to Sebastian using Imperio seems to imply that he’s come to feel remorse at using an Unforgivable himself. To see someone so young use it in such a casual manner and immediately defend it was probably something that made him look at himself and his own (in loco) parenting practices.

No matter the nature of their estrangement, when Sebastian and Anne lost their parents, Solomon lost a brother. I have to believe that would have affected him, even if the effect was anger. We see Solomon living alone in a tiny, gritty cottage (I don’t personally think the size or decor of the cottage reflects much or should be taken seriously, but that’s for another time). He likely was pretty content like that. And now he’s forced in a position to take care of two children whom he may not have even ever met. Doubtless he would have been reminded of the relationship he once had with his brother. And raising children is hard. You can’t just tell them something once. They’re not intrinsically motivated at a young age. You have to teach them a dozen times, and sometimes they’ll still willfully disobey just because they can. I doubt this was something Solomon was prepared for or ever got used to.

In the Victorian era, Sebastian would’ve been expected to protect his sister, who would have been expected to be refined and delicate. (FWIW I don’t think Anne was delicate a day in her prematurely short life.) Anne’s compassion and desire to help led her to leave the cabin when Feldcroft was attacked, and Solomon—and probably most people in the village—absolutely would have blamed Sebastian for “letting” his sister get hurt. Solomon also strikes me entirely as the kind of person who would follow the twisted logic of, “You couldn’t keep your sister safe? Well, you don’t deserve to have a sister.” I don’t think Solomon is letting Anne die, to be fair. I think we should take the notion that he’s done everything he could with a grain of salt, but I think he’s probably done everything that he can afford.

To be clear, I’m not defending Solomon. I think he’s deliberately cruel, as seen by destroying the harmless Shrivelfig that Sebastian brought Anne. He’s also got some of the same impulse and anger issues that his nephew has, since he conjured what I’m fairly sure was Fiendfyre to fight two 15/16-year olds. He’s pretty terrible.

Tl;dr I think Solomon is a bitter, damaged man and an ill-equipped guardian. I think he’s probably a shit-ass person. I think all of those things led him to be emotionally neglectful at best and abusive at worst. But the image that I see a lot of Solomon as a larger-than-life bogeyman figure who is willfully rubbing his hands together like Burns and fantasizing about how to abuse Sebastian is not one that squares for me, especially because Anne had genuine love and affection for him. I think he didn’t meet Sebastian’s needs, and Sebastian took that personally. To say that Sebastian’s actions were directly a response to abuse does both characters a disservice.

[writeandsurvive]

Through it all ~ Manny Perez

Author's note: first work for Captain Perez from Fire Country! this show became my absolute fav, and I have a soft spot for Manny! I hope there are several others like me out there! Summary: Pregnancy scare leads to a long awaited convo and decisions Warnings: age gap, pregnancy (talk), kinda smut towards the end

Keeping a relationship secret in a small town like Edgewater isn’t an easy thing to do. Especially when you’ve lived there most of your life and know basically everyone. Even more when the person you are dating works for Cal Fire and more specifically, is the Captain of Three Rock. But somehow, you and Manny Perez managed to do it. For almost two years. 

At first, keeping it a secret was the best thing to do, for everyone. You were quite younger than Manny, became friends with his daughter Gabriela, and so close to the Leones, you feel like one of them. You grew up with Bode and Riley, making Vince and Sharon your surrogate parents. Manny respects them way too much to do anything to jeopardize his friendship with them. After all, he considers that Sharon saved his life when she welcomed him into Three Rock several years ago, allowing him to turn his life around.

But time went by. You and Manny were very much in love, becoming pretty serious. Or so you thought, until that day when everything came crashing down. 

You thought you were pregnant. Your period was late, which never happens. You felt tired, your breasts were hurting. This could’ve been just PMS symptoms but something didn’t feel like it was. You thought about getting a pregnancy test, but you knew everyone at the pharmacy. So, you ordered it online and the next day, there it was.

A part of you wanted to do this with Manny, but you were also scared. The baby (and wedding) talk was something that has been avoided through the entire relationship. Him being older, having a grown up daughter, being divorced… Did he want to do it all over again? The most likely answer was no. And this would’ve put an end to your relationship cause you didn’t imagine your life without kids. Weddings could be discussed. 

So, you did the test. Set the alarm for a few minutes, and waited. 

Negative. 

You cried. Bawled, actually. If you put aside what could go wrong with this, you wanted a baby. A part of you hoped you were pregnant. You loved Manny with all your heart, you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. You wanted to carry his child. 

You don’t remember how long you stayed in the bathroom crying. But it was long enough for Manny to come in, find you in there and ask what was wrong, as he held you close to his chest. 

“I thought I was pregnant and we were gonna have a baby” You admitted through the tears, pointing at the test sitting on the sink. 

Manny didn’t react immediately. Your face was still hiding in his neck, so you couldn’t see his face. He stayed silent for a long time, just holding you, kissing the top of your head. But you could hear his heart beating faster. Was this a good sign?

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He whispered.

“We never talked about this. I didn’t know how you’d react. I still don’t, actually.”

He stayed silent again. So, you had to ask. 

“Are you sad or relieved that I’m not pregnant, Manny?”

“I don’t know.” He continued to hold you but the long silence afterwards broke your heart more than those words did. 

That led to the worst weeks ever. You had the baby talk, and Manny admitted that he didn’t know if he wanted another child or not. “I’m old enough to be a grandpa.” He kept repeating. Technically, that was true. But you never cared about his age. You would try to kiss him and playfully joke that he’d be a sexy young grandpa but deep down you could see the doubt in his mind growing more and more as he became increasingly distant.

He cared about your age.

Eventually, the answer was no. He didn’t want any more kids. He didn’t want to get married again. And you didn’t see your life without kids. There was no compromise possible. So, you broke up. Your heart shattered and your bed always felt cold now without him there every night.

The rough part of this breakup was having to hide how broken-hearted you were. No one knew, and there was no point to them knowing now. You had to pretend. And so had Manny. Everytime you ran into him, you stared at each other like two lost puppies. It was surprising that no one noticed. You were not okay, and neither was he. 

Whenever you saw him at Smokey’s, having a drink - by himself or with someone - you approached him softly, touching his arm or shoulder if he was seated. “How many?” You’d gently asked. His past struggle with alcohol worried you. 

“Not many, don’t worry, cariño.” He’d smiled. You believed him.

At some point, pretending was just too much, so you found an arrangement with your job to work remotely and left Edgewater to visit family many miles away. You stayed there for several weeks. You needed to cut it off to get over Manny. Not that you actually believed that you could. 

When you came back to town, you gave a heads up to Vince and Sharon only. And of course, they immediately invited you over for dinner. You were only slightly better, and had started accepting the breakup. Avoiding Manny a little more should help. 

That was until you saw him at the Leone's house. In his Cal Fire comfy clothes, sitting on the couch with Vince as they watched some sports. Did they invite him too?

Vince immediately jumped off the couch to hug you, your feet no longer touching the floor. “I missed you sweetie.” He kissed your forehead. 

“I missed you too, Vince.”

Manny hadn’t moved from the couch, clearly as shocked as you by the encounter. You slowly approached him as he stood up, and hugged each other awkwardly. He looked like he hasn’t slept in weeks, maybe dropped a few pounds too. His scent immediately intoxicated you. Could this hug last forever? 

“Manny is staying with us, so he’ll join us for dinner.”

Staying with them? You clearly missed something while you were gone. 

While Vince helped Sharon in the kitchen, you and Manny sat down on the couch. “Why are you staying with them?” You asked. 

“It’s—“ he cleared his throat. “A long story. Don’t worry about it. How was your vacation?”

“It wasn’t a vaca— don’t change the subject, Manny. What’s going on?”

The Leones came back with some drinks, to Manny’s relief. But you were not giving up. 

It was hard to focus on the Leones and what they were saying, no matter how interesting, or intriguing it was. You couldn’t take your eyes and mind off Manny, who stayed pretty silent the entire evening. When there was a moment of silence during dinner, you lost control of your own mouth. 

“You’re catching me up with everything that happened in town, except for the most evident thing.” You stared at Manny. “Is there a big secret you’re all keeping from me that I’m not supposed to know about?”

Vince and Sharon looked at each other before looking at Manny. Clearly, it was his decision to explain or keep it a secret. 

“It’s not like nobody knows,” Sharon said. 

“It’s also not that easy to admit what a screw up I am, especially to–” Manny let go of his fork and stood up, “Excuse me.” You all watched him as he left the house. 

You didn’t think for too long before standing up too and following him outside. He was sitting in his car, engine on. You opened the passenger door and joined him inside.

“Going somewhere?”

He huffed. “Like I have somewhere else to go.”

“My place?” You offered.

“We broke up.”

“Doesn’t make us strangers, does it?”

He leaned his forehead against the steering wheel, so you moved on the edge of your seat to get closer, and ran your hand through his messy hair. He only tilted his head to the side to take a look at you. “Talk to me, amor.” you whispered.

“I handled our break up poorly,” the volume of his voice met yours. “I didn’t handle it at all, actually.” his eyes started to fill with tears. “At first, I just wanted to take my mind off things– off you. It was to be one night, one game. But I won, and wanted to win more. And it was sorta working, you know? As I was playing, I wasn’t focusing on you, on us, on how unfair this is.” A single tear started to roll down his cheeks. “I’ve lost everything. My money, Gabriela’s money, my house, my insurance. And on top of that, I don’t have you anymore either.” He sat back properly on his seat, taking a few deep breaths. “I’m a fucking mess.”

You held his hand for a brief moment, before pulling on it so he would get closer. His face rested on your chest, he was trying really hard not to cry too much. On the other hand, tears were rolling down your cheeks. 

“It doesn’t matter what our relationship is, you’ll always have me, Manny. Through it all.” You kiss the top of his head, “I’ll help you get back on your feet.”

He immediately sat back up, like we triggered him. “I’m not taking money from you. I already owe 10,000 bucks to Vince.”

“Fine, but that’s not what I was talking about. Are you getting professional help?”

“Not yet, I–”

“Then you will. If staying with Vince and Sharon suits you, then stay there. Otherwise, you know my door is open. How’s your relationship with Gabs?”

“Stop it. This is not up to you to fix me. I’m a grown man, I can do this by myself.”

“It wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t broken up.”

“We wouldn’t have broken up, if I agreed to have kids.”

“But you don’t and that’s okay. I get it.”

“Good, cause I don’t. What if I’m missing my second chance in life? What if–” he looked straight into your eyes, “I’m missing my one true chance at happiness?”

Manny Perez went through so many bad things over the years. Being a quite young dad, prison, money issues, rocky relationship with Gabriela’s mother leading to a bad divorce, alcoholism and now the break up and gambling. This man is one of the best humans you’ve ever met, but life keeps throwing curve balls at him. He deserves the world, and all you want is to give it to him. 

You didn’t have any words at this very moment. All you wanted was to hold him, kiss him and never let go. So that was exactly what you did. You moved as close as possible to him, grabbed him by his neck and planted your lips on his. You were both needy, like two junkies getting their fix. While never stopping the kiss, you found yourself straddling his lap before you realized. 

“Te quiero,” you whispered between kisses. It drives Manny crazy whenever you talk in Spanish to him. 

“Yo te quiero mas.” 

His hands were all over you, and yours all over him. Manny buried his face in your neck, kissing and sucking on your sensitive spot only he knows so well, earning a moan from you. 

Neither of you saw nor heard Vince getting out of the house, until he knocked at the car’s window. You immediately jumped off Manny, trying to make yourself presentable. Manny tried to hide his growing erection the best he could before opening the window. 

“How long?” was the first thing Vince asked.

“Two years.” Manny answered. “But it’s–over,”

Vince couldn’t help but smirk. “Oh, is it?”

“It’s complicated, V.” you said, “Do you need something?”

“At this very moment, answers. But I suppose I’ll have to wait. Are you sleeping here tonight, Cap, or–somewhere else?”

You and Manny looked at each other for a moment. 

“I have custody for the night.” You tried to joke. 

“Don’t feed him after midnight.” Vince bent over a little to kiss our forehead before leaving. 

“Drive us home, Gizmo. We need to talk.”

“Alright, but drop the joke right now.”

He knew you better than that.

The ride was silent. Both in your own thoughts. 

Manny didn’t get out of the car when he pulled over at your place, but got him to follow you inside in the end. He had barely taken off his shoes, that your arms were around his middle, and you tiptoed to kiss his lips. 

“This is probably not a good idea, cariño.” He said, even though he intensified the kiss. 

“I honestly don’t care right now.” 

You walked backwards to your bedroom while still kissing each other, and Manny didn’t fight for even a second. He gently laid you down on the bed, getting on top of you. It didn’t take long until clothes were flying across the room. “I missed you.” He confessed, touching you everywhere he could. “Why did you leave?”

“It was too hard staying here, seeing you almost everyday. I had to get some distance, to process and accept.”

His strong naked body was covering yours. His hard cock was pressing against your wet pussy. His forehead against yours, his nose stroking yours, he softly asked, “And did you?”

“Does it look like I did?”

He chuckled and you kissed his dimple. “I need you, Manny.”

“Need you more.” On those words, he slowly entered you. 

Sex with Manny has always been amazing since the first time. He was your perfect match, and you were his. You discovered several things with him, and you both tried new things together. And every single time was mind blowing. But that night wasn’t about that. That night, he made love to you, like it was the last time ever. It felt both amazing and heartbreaking. 

But it couldn’t be the last time. 

“Maybe I don’t need kids to be happy.” You said as you were both lying down and cuddling. “Maybe I just need you.”

Manny didn’t react immediately. You could hear he was taking deep breaths, probably trying to get a hold on his emotions. After several seconds, he rolled to the side and rested on his elbow. “No.” He just said. 

“No?” You looked at him, confused. 

“You want kids. You want to be a mom. I’ve seen you with kids, I’ve seen you cry when the test came back negative.”

“But the thing is I don’t want kids with someone other than you.” Your tone was sharp, because you were getting angry. Why was he fighting on this? This was your decision. 

“For now.” 

“For fuck sake’s, Manny! I know what I want and don’t want, okay? I’d rather be with you, and not have kids, than be with someone else and have kids with them.” 

“You’re sacrificing yourself.”

“I’m making a choice. I’m choosing you.”

His voice broke. “Why would you do that?”

“Because I love you, Manuel Perez.” You stroked his cheek, “Sorry. Manuel Gizmo Perez.”

He laughed and kissed you. 

~

Over the next weeks, Manny went to counseling with your support. For everyone - especially Gabriela -, he was still living with the Leones, but the reality was he spent all of his nights at your place, where he belonged. He still refused your money, but got a second job on a boat to help pay his debts. It didn’t give him a lot of free time or even time to rest, so you tried to make it as easy as possible for him. You made sure he ate properly, slept the bare minimum, you even helped with Three Rock paperwork. 

“She’s my rock, Vince.” He admitted to his friend, as they were having a drink together. “She’s been amazing to me and I can’t even—get her something. Invite her to a restaurant, a gate away or something.” 

“That’ll come, man. For now, all she needs is for you to be okay.” 

“I have to say I’m surprised you didn’t kick my ass when you found out. I know you love her like your own daughter.”

“I do. To be honest, Shar and I have been suspicious for a while, and we agree she can’t find a better man than you. I mean, we’ve met her exes—“ he laughed and Manny joined. 

“Doesn't the age difference—shock you?”

“You’re both grown adults. But can I say something you may not enjoy hearing?”

“Go ahead, Chief.”

“She’s meant to be a mom.”

Vince didn’t know how right he was. But you and Manny agreed you wouldn’t tell anyone about the pregnancy before he told Gabriela. 

“How was lunch with Vince?” You asked as Manny came back home. 

“Nice. I got you those wings and spicy sauce you’ve been craving.” He handed you the brown bag, and you got excited about eating the wings. “I still think it’s a bad idea for you to eat the sauce, amor. You can’t stand spice.”

“Clearly, the baby isn’t aware of that.” 

Manny disappeared in the kitchen and came back with a big glass of milk. “Just in case.”

“Thanks guapo.”

He sat next to you, you kissed him briefly before attacking your food. 

“You didn’t tell him anything, did you?”

“Was hard not to, cause he brought it up. But I want to talk to Gabby first.”

“When are you planning to tell her?” You asked, with your mouth full. 

“Tonight. I told her I’d stop by her place.”

The spices were hitting up. You were sticking out your tongue like a dog, and trying to create some air with your hands. Manny laughed and grabbed the milk for you. “Told you.” You started to drink some milk and your boyfriend got closer, leaning down to be right next to your stomach. “You can’t do this to your mama, baby. But clearly, you’re a Latino.” 

“He or she is a Perez.” You said between sips.

“Maybe mama should be a Perez too.” He said with a huge grin on his face. 

[dasha-aibo]

Same Chris chan anon, I’m back. I saw your reply, and yeah, I agree on some parts. Good people can turn bad.

What I meant was that if you’re a person with strong values, you would’ve never done that stuff. It was plain sexism. A person with strong values wouldn’t do that because their actions dictate what kind of person they are.

And while I understand that you don’t SUPPORT chris chan, you can’t be like “well! Actually, women, stfu about his sexism!!! He did it because he was bullied online!!! And shut up about how he sexually harassed his female friends beforehand!!!”

Like. Think critically. This was an actual crime. With actual victims. And now he’s out of jail??? Male privilege at its finest. He should’ve NEVER gotten out of jail.

Also, rape is like, in my opinion, the only crime that can NEVER be excused. Because nobody forced you to do it??? Nobody can use it as self defense. Nobody recovers from it like a wound. It’s not simple. It’s a complex hate crime against women.

On another note, I don’t like bullying. I’ve been a bullying victim for many years. And even worse, IN REAL LIFE. But I never would’ve done that. Because plainly, I’m not sexist.

Chris Chan was porn sick. That’s it. He harassed women, did something unforgivable to his mother, and became “trans” to intimidate lesbians into dating him. That’s a straight white man if I’ve ever seen it. The internet is cruel, but it doesn’t turn men into rapists. That’s their own doing. We need to hold men accountable for what they do. We can’t coddle them or they’ll just keep doing shit. It’s never justified!!! Never!! Even the nastiest woman doesn’t deserve it because it’s a hate crime against women as a whole!

Have empathy towards the victims. We never know what they went through, and their suffering was much worse than what a brain rotted straight white man went through. Because let’s bffr, if a man I knew told me he’s a woman because he wants to bang a lesbian, draws porn of me, and then rapes his mom AND PEOPLE ONLINE DEMAND HES CALLED A WOMAN AND THAT HE DESERVES PITY??? That would be my breaking point.

He’s a whole ass villain 😭😭 why can’t y’all see that

I don't believe in perfect villains or perfect victims.

We don't need to villianize Chris to have empathy for Barbara. We don't need to gloss over Barbara being a horrible person to feel horrible for what happened to her.

It's not a black-and-white world, no matter how much Ayn Rand wanted it to be.

Chris was severely abused and neglected by his parents. Barbara specifically fostered unhealthy attachment, which absolutely did not help in this situation.

I don't think we need to state over and over again that FUCKING YOUR DEMENTIA-RIDDEN MOTHER IS WRONG. I think that's pretty obvious by itself.

But just taking a step back and looking at the whole situation in context is important.

And it's important to realize that the collective internet didn't just "bully" Chris. They manipulated and gaslighted this person for over a decade. They derailed Chris's life and any middling chance they had at becoming a normal person. They egged on their every worst instinct and broke this person's brain and will. That goes beyond regular bullying.

I think, overall, it's the internet looking at a monster we created and then refusing to accept that harassing, bullying, gaslighting and obsessively documenting a living, breathing human being for over a decade because they're "cringe" is a bad thing. So Chris has to have been a monster from the start.

Chris is out of jail, because the judges don't know WTF to do with them. You can't hold a person in jail with no trial for more than a year, rape is really hard to prove with dementia patients, who might not even remember it, incest penalties are their own can of legal worms and trying a person as severely autistic as Chris is borderline-impossible.

The best outcome for everyone would be to put Chris in an assisted living facility. But I doubt that's gonna happen.

Also, I refuse to comment on Chris's trans status. It's between them and their psychologist. I simply don't care, because it changes very little.

Yeah, I do think Chris deserves pity. Condemnation AND pity. We shouldn't just forgive their horrible actions. But we should at least have the humility to realize that we would be capable of some monstrous shit if we were ever treated like that.

YOU don't think you would've done something horrible in that situation, but you HAVE NOT been in the same situation. And thank your lucky stars for that.

[kraekat29]

For the Juby Q&A!!! (Sorry if you’ve answered similar questions to these before I might’ve not seen it 😂)

1.) If Ruby had never gotten with Rafe, how to you think it would’ve affected her then relationship with JJ? We see in the prequel it was a VERY toxic one to say the least and it has affected her through the series. If it never happened, how would it have resulted in things being different?

2.) As Ruby gets older, does she ever acknowledge resentment toward Big John to being such a neglectful/absentee parent? How does she come to terms with that and acknowledge why he loved them he probably saw them (especially John B) as an extension of himself?

3.) Do Ruby and JJ ever get married? 👀

4.) What is college life like for Ruby? Does she participate in any clubs or such?

5.) Ideal vacation?

6.) At the end of the prequel, if JJ had a gun with him-do you think he would’ve shot Rafe dead when he found out that Rafe assaulted Ruby?

7.) Ruby beating the shit outta Luke Maybank if she ever came across him beating JJ?

This is a good one! So JJ and Ruby have always had a tension, always skirted around each other because of John B’s rule. Now if Rafe was never involved, I think her and JJ honestly would’ve become friends with benefits and eventually began dating. Regardless they were meant to be endgame. I feel like their relationship wouldn’t be as strong however, because they wouldn’t really have the shared trauma or him being her hero, I feel like they probably would’ve been on again off again before finally staying together in season 3.

2. Ruby never forgives her father, even as a full blown adult. Big John never cared about her because she was basically her mother’s twin, he looked at her and was reminded of what he destroyed. I haven’t dived into this yet, but he was also kind of abusive toward Ruby due to that fact. He only really cared about John B, and sometimes she would be left alone at the chateau for weeks at a time with no food or even power sometimes while they were on a fishing trip. She feels grief for her brother, but not for her father.

3. Yes! In the 18 month time skip JJ and Ruby are now officially married, in Suburban Legends we will get a flashback of their wedding and honeymoon.

4. College life for Ruby is very simple, due to her being pregnant at the time she stayed home and took a business class so her and JJ could own the surf shop and charter business. JJ convinced her to join a baking club just so she can get out of the house two days a week. But other than that she mainly stayed home.

5. their ideal vacation is going to Yucatán and doing nothing but surfing, it’s been their dream since they were kids.

6. absolutely! In fact, there is going to be a scene where JJ does get his hands on one of his fathers guns, but John B stops him, knowing that killing Rafe and JJ going to jail would only cause Ruby more pain.

7. yes!! She has gone toe to toe several times with Luke, even as a little girl she would try her best to go after him to get him away from JJ. In All Too Well we will see one of JJ’s worst beatings, this is where we learn Ruby has a dark side of her own when she goes to hunt down Luke and teach him a lesson.

[lablakelystress]

Vent no. 27 (draft/me rambling)

Idk what’s wrong with me… I feel so bad and tired and unmotivated. Idk why. I was going to talk about the argument that I got into my parents lately, but really the only thing that came out of it was now I for sure have to have a snack everyday. Booo, anyways I have a therapy appointment today and it’s from the same lame recovery clinic that I used to have to go to. Definitely not looking forward to it but my parents already set it up so there’s not much I can do. If I would’ve know that it would be the same place, I wouldn’t have agreed to have therapy again. It’s literally going to be pointless because I know that they will just try to sway me into recovery like every single other person that I talked to at that clinic. There was only ever one time that I actually talked with a therapist there who didn’t just try to force me to recover. She was definitely pro recovery though but she actually wanted to get to understand me more. But I’m getting sidetracked. The other update is just that I have really struggled with trying to lose w31ght as a whole. I have barely moved at all today due to having little energy for some reason even though I at3 like a hog this morning. Plus, I have been looking really bad lately. I considered it “ok” a while back, but it’s not good enough. Typical 3d mindset but it’s true. I have been on YouTube and just getting spo from random YouTubers and I realized that my bmi is not low enough. It’s at 17 right now which looks different on different people and honestly 17 is probably good for most people, but I have the absolute worst body type so I just naturally am going to look bigger than I really am. I’m hoping 16 is ideal for me since I might have been in high 80s in lbs a few weeks ago before this whole new d13t started. I actually really kinda liked how I looked at that w31ght and really want to get there again but I doubt it’ll happen anytime soon. My parents have said that they want me at at least 100 and are not changing there minds at all. I am not either, and I’ll continue to try my best not to get over or even close to that number. It’s just very very difficult because they want to see me do everything, and if I refuse to 34t, they lock me out of my room and refuse to drive me to my school. Pretty messed up since they were like “you absolutely have to go college” but whatever. Also yes I don’t drive yet pls don’t judge. Besides all of that and feeling discontent, Halloween was alright, surprising considering the fight I had with my parents was only two days before then. I had to 34t all day though and I somehow chose to down a slice of pizza when I could’ve had something else… shame.

Edit: ok it’s after the appointment and yeah it was pretty much a big waste of time. They wanted to send me up to residential treatment and I was not ok with that. So now we’re back at square one. Cool….

I rly h8 me ….

[061801]

joel dying has changed my life and so far it hasn’t been in good ways. It’s made me a little more gentle and has started to make me think twice about saying things like I hope someone dies because I see the impact it makes on friends and family and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody, not even my biggest enemy. As if everything didn’t already remind me of you, it sure does now. Everything. Literally everything. Don’t get me started on being in the east end. The amount of times we went downtown. Hell the dinner my boyfriend and I when to last night reminded me of you because we sat in the exact booth I sat with you at last. Every time I see a Cadillac, a song about drinking whiskey, certain rap songs that you showed me, even just the colour red will always make me think of you. The brand Tommy Hilfiger because at one point you literally refused to wear anything if it wasn’t Tommy. When I’m in the east end I see little Caesar’s where we started talking right next to our high school, the park where we would chill, the villages where your dad lives and where Michael lived and we would go hangout. We also walked your dog diamond together. We smoked a bucket with Lucas and Michael too right before your mom picked us up. A&W when your mom owned it and you got your first job. Whenever I was hungry we would go there and get food. Going down central road I remember you working at central stamping and my apartment was down the road so you were able to sleep in longer staying at my house. In the west end I think of being at your moms and you teaching me how to skateboard (I didn’t ever actually learn lol), we got ice cream at buskers, I had dinner at your moms house and we walked over to fireworks, kirils house, for some reason we hung out on the train tracks before I got to see my mom for the first time in 2 or 3 years and we smoked the absolute worst rolled joints ever lol.

I’m really sad you’re gone :( I’m really sad that we weren’t on good terms when you passed. Sometimes I think it may be for the best though because I could’ve been the one to find you like that, I could’ve been included, and if we were talking at the time and this happened I don’t think I would’ve been able to live with myself. So I am at least grateful there was a bit of a disconnect between us because the pain I feel already is unbearable. It’s also really hard sometimes because I’ll get bad dreams of us fighting, or unfortunately I’ll remember some things he’s done or said during fights and I feel really upset. I wish we had had a conversation after our last fight. Even though I’m totally in the right for how I felt that night.

The condition my mental health was in when you came into my life was destroyed and I feel like I loved you even more than a healthy person should because I was basically trying to replace my parents and siblings with you. I had nothing, and you and your mom showed me fun things like going out to your trailer which reminds me, leamington and camp grounds in general now remind me of you too because I have never went camping with anybody else. I’ve had a very black and white life with nothing much to it and him and his family gave me some of the first feelings of true happiness I’ve ever felt in my life. I’ve never been able to let go of it. So as toxic as it was to be with him, I get extremely defensive when people ask me why I care so much? It’s insulting. It feels like it at least. Normally I’m able to convince myself in a few months or even a year from now I’ll be out of this situation. But this I will simply never get over. We dated for like 8 months and i never got over it, that was 8 years ago. I’m willing to admit I have some mental issues so that plays into why I was so determined to try and make it work but towards the end I had disconnected from him the most I ever had before because I was just over putting in 1000% for someone who would just go betray me shortly after. To say I was over him tho? lol as if. A week or 2 prior there was a Joel on our reservations at work and I had to find out if it was you because I got nervous. It wasn’t and even tho I didn’t wanna see you on a date with someone else I did kind of want to look at you while you sat there. Point being as much of a roller coaster it was being with him, I could never get enough of it.