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bonjour-rainycity · 3 years

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Double Heart | Chapter Sixteen ~ Cosima

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Pairing: Haldir x OFC

Rating: PG-13

Word count: 3021

Warnings: None

A/n Every chapter, you all make me smile so much <3 Thank you!

Haldir leaves and I let out something halfway between an exhale and a groan.

What. Was. That.

My room, which is a very respectable size, felt like a matchbox as the space between Haldir and I minimized. He went from weeks of keeping a consistent physical barrier between us to ghosting his hands over my arms, my hips, my waist…It’s…new.

And when he held me close, his chest so nearly brushing against my back—

I shake my head against the onslaught of scenarios that run through my mind.

I should not be thinking of him this way.

Haldir is a friend, a guide, an instructor, nothing more.

I let out a deep breath and begin to pace, trying to work off this newfound energy. Haldir and I trained for nearly two hours, I should be exhausted. Instead, I feel wide awake, invigorated, jittery, like I couldn’t possibly go to sleep. I groan, taking my hair out of its bun and letting it fall around me. I stop in my tracks, glancing at the spot where Haldir and I stood so close together just moments ago.

I cannot stay here.

I tear through the open door, turning right and taking the staircase that leads to the first floor. I turn left and, before I know it, I’m standing in front of Alex’s closed door.

I knock.

The door creaks open. “Hey,” he greets, opening it wider to allow me in. “What’s up?”

“I uh,” I purse my lips, having not really thought through my plan. I do need a distraction though, and being out of my room is already helping clear the fog from my brain. My eyes catch a pile of books on his nightstand. “I came to help you research, if that’s okay.”

His face lights up. “Yeah! Yeah, of course. I’ve read those three so far,” he gestures to a small stack by the window, “and there’s nothing helpful in them. Everything else in English is fair game. Is there anything specific you want to look into?”

“Fæs.” I’m surprised that the answer comes to me so easily, but as soon I speak the word, I know it’s true — I do want to learn more.

Alex nods slowly. “Yeah, okay, I think I’ve got a couple books on that here. Let me….” He trails off, spinning in a circle as he searches for a specific volume. “Ah.” He squats down and grabs a book near the foot of his bed, reaching it up to me.

An image of Haldir, crouched on the ground, hand warm against my ankle, staring up at me with such intensity, so much confidence—

Alex stands and I look to the ceiling, trying to will away the image and the feelings that come rushing along with it.

“What makes you want to learn about fæs? Isn’t that an elf thing?”

I purse my lips, stalling until the embarrassment fades enough to look Alex in the eye. “Haldir mentioned that humans have their own version of a fæ — a little weaker, a little different, but generally the same concept.” An idea begins to take form, and I roll with it. “I was wondering if—assuming that our fæs remained unchanged between our homeworld and Arda—well, if we could use it somehow, tap into it and reclaim our memories. If anything were to remember, wouldn’t it be our spirits?”

Alex nods slowly, a grin tugging at the edges of his lips. “That’s actually not a bad idea. Great thinking! Let me know if you find anything.”

He settles into the couch, leaving the bed for me. Gratefully, I cozy up against the pillows. I open the book, skimming the introductory chapter, which is basically just a summary of the core concepts Haldir has already explained to me. When I’m on chapter three, the sky passes firmly into night, and even the plethora of candles Alex has lit aren’t enough to keep my eyes from straining.

I pull my knees to my chest and lean forward, glancing over at my friend. His cheeks — which had been gaunt when we first reunited, now take a healthy shape. His shoulders no longer hold vestiges of tension — they lean relaxed, leisurely, against the back of the couch. Even in the limited light, he squints his eyes and continues to read, seeming intent on soaking up as much knowledge as he can.

I rest my chin on my knees. “I need to ask you something.”

He looks up, his eyebrows drawing together in concern. “Okay?”

“Are you alright?”

He sighs, shifting in his seat. “Cosima…”

“No,” I protest. I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable, he needs to talk about things. He’s been bottling it up since he arrived in this world and it hasn’t done anyone any good. “I mean it.”

Alex groans, shaking his head. “Fine, okay. It’s…strange.” He pauses, but I wait, holding out hope that he’ll continue. He does so, slowly. “I’ve…gotten myself to accept that I’m in a different world, but I can’t wrap my mind around the how. That’s stressful. We don’t have a solid plan to return home, nor do we know if we’ll find one. That’s depressing. And, I have flashes and snippets of memories, but otherwise, I feel like I don’t know who I am.”

My heart breaks. Here my friend is, hurting, lost…

And I’ve left him completely alone.

Alex tilts his head to the side, contemplating. “But I do feel better than when we arrived, or even just from a few days ago. Having things to do, feeling useful and like I have agency for the first time…it’s really good for me. And, well,” he dips his head then raises it again, leveling his eyes on me. “It’s helped me realize something else — that I owe you an apology.”

I blink in surprise. I’ve been the one that has pretty much abandoned and ignored him. I should be apologizing.

“On the road, I said some pretty mean things, and I isolated you from your friends and tried to take control. I didn’t mean for it to be like that. I was…” he sighs, shaking his head, “scared out of my mind. I already felt like I couldn’t do anything to fix the problem, and then on top of that I felt like you had completely given up and it was my job to save us both. And I know now that’s not the case, but for a while…” He trails off, shrugging his shoulders. “You’re just more adaptable than I am, I guess.”

I push myself off the bed, cross the room, and sit next to him on the small couch. Automatically, he throws an arm over my shoulder, the movement so familiar and easy that he must have done it a thousand times before. I lay my head on his shoulder, the bone there pressing against my ear.

I take a deep breath. “If we had really been kidnapped, or injured, or anything more realistic than what actually happened,” he gives a small, tired laugh, the movement shaking his shoulder, “you would’ve been the one to get us out. I know it. Even now, you’re the one putting in all the hard work to get us home. I’m sorry I’ve pretty much left you to handle it alone.”

He squeezes my upper arm gently. “I appreciate it, but I don’t blame you. I get it.” He shrugs again, a measure of sadness creeping into his voice. “It’s not like you remember anyone enough to miss them. If you have people you like here, of course you’d focus on them.”

I feel my lips pull into a guilty frown. “They like you too, you know. You all just need to spend some more time together—”

“Nah,” he shakes his head, pushing a smile onto his face. “It’s okay, honestly — we just don’t click. But I have you, and Baranor and I get along well, and I have this project to work on. It’s enough for me.”

I sigh, resting my head against his chest. I hope that’s true.

{***}

At breakfast, Lavandil and I make plans to meet at her shop. She gives me directions and I hurry up the stairs to my room, changing out of my tunic and leggings and into something a little more fun for my first day of work. I settle on a dark purple gown, one that billows down my arm in puffy gossamer sleeves and has a slight, sparkly train. I’m probably a bit overdressed, but knowing Lavandil’s extravagant wardrobe, I’ll fit in just fine. I bound down the staircase, eager to discover the market and the shop. I turn left, intent on exiting the building.

And crash into the middle of someone’s chest.

Hands grip my upper arms, steadying me as I stumble back. Once I’m righted, I look up, and my mouth falls open.

“Cosima—”

“Haldir—”

Both of us freeze, having spoken at the same time. I purse my lips, waiting for him to go first. He raises an eyebrow, evidently expecting the same of me.

But I can’t make the words happen. His hands on my arms send my mind right back to the tension of last night, to the room that started light and open and turned more intimate than it should as the night went on.

Haldir’s arms fall to his sides. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you turning the corner. Are you alright?”

I nod, my eyes darting from his chest clothed in a cobalt blue tunic up to his eyes. The intensity from last night is gone, now replaced with a noticeable degree of hesitance.

Interesting.

Did he feel something last night, too? Or does he know I did, and now feels awkward around me?

That last thought sends a wave of stress through me. Was I horribly obvious? Have I messed everything up?

“Are you off to Lavandil’s shop,” he inquires, pulling my mind away from these anxiety-inducing thoughts.

“Yes.”

He quirks a smile. “Then I imagine you will be seeing a lot of my brother today. He has a tendency to hang around there.”

“Probably a result of him being in love with the shop-owner,” I quip, voice going high with nerves.

He raises an eyebrow. “Yes, I suppose that would do it.”

We fall into awkward silence.

Haldir clears his throat. “Well, enjoy your day.”

“You too,” I nod, crossing paths with him to exit the building.

Once outside, I take in a gulping breath.

Did I create all that weirdness? Or is he struggling to figure out how to act around me, too? And why?

Things have never been strained or awkward between myself and Haldir. Once he got over his initial suspicion of me, we got along easily. I feel like he understands me better than the others and, if I had to pick a favorite, as Rumil prompted me not so long ago, it would be, without question, the supposedly-stern Marchwarden leading our company. And, based on the amount of time he spends with me of his own accord, I would say he enjoys my presence, too.

So, that begs the question, what could have happened to turn all that ease on its head and replace it with stilted, awkward, unsure interactions? We were fine until last night—

I suck in a breath.

My brain, apparently useless until I looked the issue straight in the eye, starts piecing together instances of my time with Haldir, forming a terrifying and exhilarating picture.

Sleeping between me and the entrance to our camp so I wouldn’t be frightened. Spending hours alone with me lying on a blanket staring up at the stars. The way he panicked and looked after me when I had my migraine. Big things like that and smaller ones, too — the way he teases me, the way he always makes sure I’m cared for, whether that means sharing from his canteen or sending me with food when I’m likely to miss dinner. The way he’s conscious of my fears—heights, orcs, you name it—and provides support without coddling me, enabling me to handle and face them on my own. The way his arms, so gentle yet so secure, held me close, even for just the smallest of moments.

Could we…have feelings for each other?

Could this rapid and strong attachment to an ellon I met mere weeks ago be something other than friendship?

With a sinking feeling in my gut, the momentary rush of excitement falls into something much more sinister. Something that, in any other world would be a wonderful, thrilling feeling—the one I am developing feelings for maybe, potentially, might see me the same way—is here, horrifying.

Because elves live forever and love only once.

And a human lifespan is dismally short.

Rumil’s face after our conversation yesterday, crestfallen and saddened, comes to my mind.

If my mere friendship with these ellyn will cause them grief when I’m gone, then even entertaining these thoughts about Haldir….

It’s deplorable.

From the heart of the city, the bell chimes. I’m late to meet Lavandil.

I shove down the ache that makes my lips quiver and hurry down the path that will lead me to the market.

The distraction of working with Lavandil will be my lifeline.

I cannot allow my feelings for Haldir progress any further. So, though I’m not sure how effective I’ll be, I swear not to think about him for the rest of the day.

{***}

“What happened last night between you and Haldir?”

Damn.

I made it two hours.

I swallow, trying to seem busy as I hang a tapestry on a display. “What?”

Lavandil comes up beside me, using her height to hang the art properly. “Rumil told Orophin who told me that Haldir came back from training with you and seemed quite flustered.”

My body runs hot. “Did he?”

“Mhm,” she nods decisively. “Apparently he returned to the room in a rush, wouldn’t say a thing, and then spent over three hours at the training grounds, sparring quite harshly with some of the guard.”

Even though the tapestry is hung, I pretend to fuss with it, not brave enough to meet Lavandil’s eyes. “Nothing happened. Maybe he just wanted a better workout — I can’t imagine I was much of a challenge.” I try for a joke, and mercifully, she gives me a pity laugh.

Her demeanor softens. “Cosima, you know there’s nothing wrong with having an attraction, or even feelings.”

“Of course there’s something wrong with it,” I shriek, much louder than I meant to. I look at her with wide eyes, surprised by my outburst.

Thankfully, no one is in the shop, and Lavandil only regards me with calm eyes, no judgement in them.

“I’m sorry,” I hurry to apologize, sitting myself in a chair at a nearby table. On top of it sits a beautiful garnet tablecloth — Lavandil’s work. She sits across from me.

“It’s alright,” she smiles kindly, resting her elbows on the table to mirror me. “I had a similar disposition when I realized I loved Orophin.”

“I don’t love him,” I correct quickly.

She puts her hands up in the sign for surrender, though her bottom lip pulls like she’s trying not to make a face.

“I don’t,” I insist, putting effort into keeping my tone non-angry. I lower my voice, worried, perhaps irrationally, that Haldir himself will go waltzing by and hear my dreadful confession. “It’s, at most, an interest, and probably not even that. Likely more of a curiosity.”

“Well, interests are nothing to be ashamed of.” Her tone matches my low volume and carries in it a gentleness I could never hope to emulate.

“Yes, they do!” My voice drops to nearly a whisper. “Lavandil, he is an elf. You know I’m human. The two don’t mix well.”

She huffs. “There’s nothing to say that. An elleth here, Arwen—”

“Is walking into a tragedy,” I cut her off.

Lavandil’s eyes narrow. “Too many people see it that way, and it is getting quite old. Do you know what I see? Two souls in love. Though their futures are bleak and incompatible, their presents are filled with joy and love and the connection that can only come from two fæs who want each other so badly finally bonded. They would still face pain if they ignored their love for each other — so why not give themselves what joy they can?”

“But she will die—”

Now it’s Lavandil’s turn to interrupt. “Arwen is fully grown. She is wise, and I trust that she knows herself well enough to make the choices she has. Her life is ultimately her own. She can spend it how she pleases.”

I press my lips together, head falling to stare at the deep red tablecloth. Despite Lavandil’s conviction, her words do nothing to allay my fears.

The only thing that awaits an elf bonded with a human is grief and death.

Arwen may have made her choice, but so have I made mine.

“Rumil said elves can take centuries to fall in love. Is that true?”

Lavandil pauses, caught off guard with my change in topic. “I-in some cases, yes. More that it could potentially take that long for an elf to admit they are in love. Often, even if they are not ready to accept it, their fæs know. And even then, that is the timeline in the most rare of cases. You know, for Orophin and I it only took a matter of—”

I raise my eyes to her, pleading. “Lavandil.”

She sighs, staring at me like she wishes I had asked her something else. “Fine, yes. Elves fall slower than humans.”

I take in a deep breath, nodding.

Good.

Because if I have only just noticed these feelings, chances are, if Haldir were to follow suit, he is way behind. The instance Lavandil described from last night, the other hints that show he might be feeling something…I can end them now.

I have time to stop this.

I have time to save him.

A/n So, funny thing, @errruvande got pretty close to guessing Cosima’s reaction to realizing her feelings for Haldir, so shout out to Liza!!! Seriously though, love her, love her blog, I’d definitely recommend checking her account out! Thank you all for reading!

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|masterlist|

Tolkien tag list: @anangelwhodidntfall @eru-vande

Haldir tag list: @tolkien-apologist

Double Heart tag list: @lainphotography @themerriweathermage @thophil2941btw @kenobiguacamole @wishingtobeinadifferentuniverse @from-patroclus-with-love @boywivlove @ordinarymom1 @my-darling-haldir @sweet-bea-blossom @moony-artnstuff

#haldir #haldir x ofc #haldir x oc #haldir fanfic #haldir fanfiction

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thetypedwriter · 3 years

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A Curse So Dark and Lonely Book Review

A Curse So Dark and Lonely Book Review by Brigid Kemmerer

My gosh, I feel like I have enormous feelings about this book.

So, I had seen this book for awhile bestow the shelves at Barnes & Noble and while it drew the eye, it also didn’t entice me right away. I must have read snippets of the backside summary a dozen times before I finally succumbed and purchased it when the store was having a buy one, get one 50% off deal.

Lame, I know.

That being said, A Curse So Dark and Lonely surprised me in a lot of pleasant ways and at the end of the experience it was a book I genuinely enjoyed reading, despite the flaws throughout.

First off, somehow, in ways that I don’t even fully understand, I did not realize that this was a retelling of Beauty and the Beast.

You might ask, seeing the title, the reviews on the back literally calling it a retelling of a classic fairytale, the summary itself, and the basic premise, how did I not realize what the true nature of this book was?

I genuinely have no idea.

I really don’t.

It’s so flabbergasting that I don’t even have a proper answer for you other than Beauty and the Beast was not my favorite Disney movie growing up and that I probably should have spent more time checking out what bargain books to buy before I laid down the cash.

Oh well.

That being said, retellings of classic fairy tales has been a fairly popular phenomenon in the YA literature scene (and popular culture as a whole, really) for the last couple of years and while I can see the appeal, it was never something that beckoned me.

I’m not a huge fairytale fan to begin with so a retelling of the original doesn’t hold much sway in terms of intrigue and buy-in.

If I had known what A Curse So Dark and Lonely truly was, I never would have bought it. Frankly, it’s a little sad because I genuinely would have missed out on a very fun and engaging read. Fortunately enough, however, my dumb actions actually paid off in good luck this time around.

The whole premise is exactly what you’ve probably surmised up to this point: an enumeration of Beauty and the Beast with some modern fanfare and twists and turns along the way.

Rhen is the current Crown Prince of Emberall, a country in some parallel world to the one that you and I currently exist in. With a series of twists, the main protagonist, Harper, is unwillingly hoisted from her homeland of Washington D.C. to the magical world of Emberfall, which unfortunately is not all that magical with a looming war on the horizon involving a neighboring nation, rumors of a savage beast that has wreaked havoc on the country, and a wicked witch that delights in torment and carnage to sadistic glee.

Soon enough, a high school dropout with cerebral palsy soon finds herself in the imaginary role as the Princess of Disi, an allying nation that has promised aid and troops to Emberfall and potentially betrothed to the Crown Prince, Rhen.

To make matters more complicated, Harper finds herself often in the company of Grey, the lone soldier of the Royal Guard and Rhen’s constant shadow, a figure she soon begins to trust despite herself.

With a war on the horizon, the ever-present threat of the witch Lillith, the haunting promise of the beast’s return, and evolving feelings, A Curse So Dark and Lonely is a lovely concoction of both fast-paced action, romance, humor, and fantasy. This whole book gave me a pleasant buzz from start to finish.

The plot itself, while recycled at its core, is fresh enough with the modern flare of Harper being from D.C. (Disi-this still makes me laugh), representation in the form of a character with a disability like cerebral palsy, interesting and complex relationships, and opposing enough with the threat of Lillith and future battles that it never seemed pithy or banal.

While the world building is...mediocre, I don’t think it was amazing nor do I think it’s awful, it’s a useful enough background for the characters and their emotions to take place, which honestly is the real focus throughout the entire novel (although the author did take some liberties by inputting in things like the castle automatically regenerating food-how much more deus ex machina can you get?).

Kemmerer’s writing style is also fine. Nothing groundbreaking, but also not writing I find abhorrent or even unlikeable. She comes across as a typical YA author to me in terms of her vocabulary, her figurative language, and her writing style.

The real focus, if you haven’t caught on by now, are the characters.

I genuinely like all three main characters quite a bit, which, if you regularly read my reviews, is quite the anomaly.

Rhen I find to be strangely complex. While he fits the mold of the brooding, arrogant prince that actually cares deeply for his people and his country quite well, I also found him more interesting than just the archetype of the royal son.

He’s surly, dark, and quite temperamental. While he does care deeply about his people, he’s often selfish and petty. Honestly, he shouldn’t be very likable at all, but it’s for that reason alone that I do like him.

I like that while he might be a good ruler he’s not necessarily a good person and I like the dichotomy and the conflict that implicitly comes with that struggle, a struggle often shown to the readers and the two other characters he’s closest with: Harper and Grey.

In addition, often in YA I feel like authors constantly feel pressured to make romantic love interests “perfect” which to me, translates to being stereotypical and boring. Very often my favorite characters are the ones who are flawed and complicated-just like Rhen.

Grey is also a character that I thought would be more simple than he actually turned out to be. I originally thought Grey was going to be the stoic, soldier type and while he is, I also really enjoyed seeing his lighter side, his sense of humor, his love for children, and the deadly loyalty that binds him not because of a curse or a spell, but because of his own stubbornness and dedication to the decision that he made and the refusal to break it.

I found this honor code fascinating and his adherence to it almost obsessive. His loyalty to Rhen is both baffling and intriguing and often it was the best part of the novel for me.

Which brings me to my next point: Rhen and Grey’s relationship is hand’s down the best part of this book. It’s a complicated relationship and, therefore, really fascinating to read about it. They have a serpentine history involving Grey being the one to let Lillith into Rhen’s chambers which sets off the whole curse business in the first place.

However, as Rhen says later on in the book, it was his choice to keep Lillith overnight and to pursue romance, not Grey’s.

There is guilt, blame, affection, loyalty, ownership, friendship, frustration, anger, sacrifice and more to their relationship. Their history stops them from being true friends, as do their roles as prince and guard, yet they are the only companion the other has for seasons upon seasons.

At the end of the day, Grey is all Rhen had for a very long time and it shows.

Their relationship was always so engrossing to read about due to its complications and its nuances. Very few YA relationships, especially that of platonic male friendship, gets even near the level of depth and grey (I couldn’t help this pun) area shown between Grey and Rhen. Their relationship alone is a huge draw for why I found this novel so captivating.

I did wonder for a while if perhaps there were more than platonic feelings involved, but I could never quite put my finger on the true nature of their relationship or their feelings towards each other, which I find absolutely amazing. Their relationship is messy and complicated, just like real life relationships are.

That leaves the third piece of the puzzle: Harper.

Out of the three main characters, I like Harper the least, but I do still like her. I like that she’s strong and tenacious, not in spite of her cerebral palsy, but in addition to her already present bravery and ferocity. She’s headstrong, stubborn, kind, merciful, and compassionate.

My dislike from Harper stems from the fact that she’s a little too perfect, especially compared to Rhen and Grey, who I found to be much more convoluted characters.

Again, harping (hahah) back to stereotypical YA, other than her cerebral palsy, I don’t think there’s anything in particular about Harper that makes her complicated, flawed, or especially interesting.

She’s a good girl willing to give it all up for a country she’s only known for a few weeks even though her mother’s dying at home and her brother is most likely involved in some kind of gang violence.

The best scenes with Harper are the scenes were she is struggling to choose between the two worlds and weighing her options, as at some points it does depict her as selfish and wanting to go home, even though she knows it would doom thousands of people.

But of course, this is all taken care of later when she realizes D.C. isn’t her true home any more and that Emberfall has become where her heart lies.

Lame.

Kemmerer made Harper just a little too pristine for my liking, which is why she ranks lower than both Rhen and Grey when on paper she is by far the best in terms of personality and character traits.

This especially grates on me when Kemmerer tells us that Harper is fantastic instead of letting us glean that for ourselves. I really dislike when an author tells me instead of shows me that someone is brave or kind or amazing or whatnot and I feel like there were enough instances of Harper being all of those things without having needed Rhen or Grey to point it out all of the time.

I also do feel like there is some weird shaming regarding things typically seen as “feminine” in relation to Harper and why that makes her “better.” For example, Rhen talks often about how no girl ever has ever done what Harper has done, like attacking him.

I’m sorry? You’re telling me that Grey has kidnapped hundreds of girls and not one of them before Harper tried to attack them? In any form? Really?

I find that preposterous.

Other instances of Harper being unique in this fashion is also sprinkled in, like how most girls apparently only care about the dresses and the jewels in the castle, but not Harper. Or how most girls would be crying from a scar on their cheek, but Harper is just upset that she misses her target.

I get what Kemmerer is going for, but these force-fed characterizations really bothered me and were the most irritating thing about the book.

Being feminine or caring about stereotypically feminine things like jewelry or dresses does not mean that someone can’t also be strong and brave and fierce. I dislike a lot of the subliminal messages in the novel in regards to that.

In terms of romance, again I have to ask myself when the trope of the love triangle will die. Perhaps it never will. Perhaps it will live on for eternity, forever immortal and present in nearly 90% of YA literature.

The love triangle between Grey, Rhen, and Harper doesn’t bother me so much in this novel as I feel like it isn’t truly focused on very much, which I appreciate. I understand that Harper has feelings for both Grey and Rhen, but her feelings make sense. I don’t feel like Kemmerer is just foisting a love triangle onto the readers for the sake of having a love triangle.

It felt somehow...natural.

In addition, most love triangles suck as they’re very one sided, usually in terms of the female’s POV.

In this case however, the love triangle is influenced by Grey and Rhen’s relationship, where the lines are very blurry and for a good portion of the book I thought perhaps they were in love with each other and Harper.

Frankly, I would have been ecstatic if this was the route Kemmerer had taken. Not many YA authors go down this route, but examples like Mark/Cristina/Keiran from The Infernal Devices and Niall/Irial/Leslie from Ink Exchange are actually the only examples I know from YA literature so this would have been so welcome and anticipated.

If Kemmerer had gone down the route of looking into a polyamorous relationship I would have been over the moon. I don’t think she is sadly, but polyamrous relationships are still so few and far between in YA that it would have been utterly captivating, especially as she has all the ingredients to do so.

Or, I thought she did.

Until it’s revealed at the very end that Rhen and Grey are brothers. Or, at least half-brothers.

Yeah.

It’s super unfortunate.

I’m genuinely disappointed that this is the route Kemmerer decided to take it as it seems so grossly safe. It’s almost like an intense male/male relationship can’t exist unless it’s romantic or they’re brothers and I despise that.

Hence, why I have also decided that I won’t be reading A Heart so Fierce and Broken. I want to keep the memory and the interesting relationships between the three characters as it is: interesting.

I have a very strong feeling that if I read the sequel that will all be shattered.

When all is said and done, I really enjoyed this book. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to reading it and I wasn’t expecting very much, but it met all of my expectations and more.

I am sad that I won’t be finishing the series as a whole, but I know that the direction it's going will only make me frustrated and annoyed and I would rather preserve the positive emotions attached to A Curse So Dark and Lonely than ruin it with a sequel that I know won’t meet the expectations I have.

Perhaps that’s unfair to say, and rightly so, but I know myself and I can see where the sequel is going and I’m almost certain that I won’t like it.

So in this case, I’m going to quit while I’m ahead and savor the moments I had reading this novel in all its fairy-telling glory.

Recommendation: If you love Beauty and the Beast, fairytales with a modern twist, interesting characters and interesting relationships set in a fantasy world where the music never stops playing and a savage beast runs rampant, than this book is calling for you.

I didn’t know that I needed this novel in my life and now I’m so glad that it is. Captivating from beginning to end, if you’re anything like me and a sucker for interesting romance and strong, nuanced characters you won’t be able to put this down either.

Score: 7/10

#a curse so dark and lonely #a heart so fierce and broken #brigid kemmerer #popular fiction #Popular Books #teen books #Teen Romance #teen fiction #book review #book blog #Book Recommendations #book rec #ya fiction #YA Book Review #ya book rec #book blogger

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gumnut-logic · 5 years

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Johnny Snapshots

@onereyofstarlight Okay, let’s face it, I live in the land of the Virg and John is one of the hardest for me to tackle (the other being Alan who I do a disservice to on a regular basis). So I don’t read much John focussed fic. Not that I don’t love the boi, it’s just...oooh, look a bright shiny Virg! :D

So in order to get Johnny fluff for you, I only really have my pile of Virg-focussed fic to play with, though I can recommend reading stuff from @the-lady-razorsharp and @willow-salix cos they claim Johnny as their boi and write lots of stuff focussed on their space noodle :D

While looking for my previous post in my archives, I came across a snippet of John from one of my fics and got the idea of little Johnny Snapshots. So, here from amongst all my Virg fic, have a little Johnny Nutty-style.

Note: Snapshots from all sorts of fic, looking for fluff, spoilers for everything, several AUs, several ships, pretty much potluck and lots of description of the Johnny :D And while I’ve included links to the fics, the fics themselves are likely Virgil focussed and there may not be much more of John in them than is already here. You’ve probably read some of these before, too.

I hope you enjoy anyway :D

-o-o-o-

A ghost drifted on the breeze.

White as an angel, pale as the moonlight sculpting his form, his next youngest brother rode the air currents above the island.

The only word to describe John was elegant. Airborne porcelain, he circled. Midnight starlight cascaded through Virgil’s mind. Expressions of sorrow draped in calm, warmed by an amber light, the steady core of his star-loving brother.

Virgil watched mesmerised as his turns became tighter and tighter, closer to the ground. A great arch of white feathers and he landed gently, barely disturbing the sand beneath his bare feet.

He was gleaming in the moonlight from toe to hooded gaze. Ever so pale skin, free to be bare to the elements with the absence of the sun, his only clothing was a cut off pair of jeans so faded they were more white than blue.

Only his hair had colour, flame caught in just the right flash of light.

Decision

-o-o-o-

When he woke, the sun was making for the horizon, the whole island cast in gold.

“Hey, Virgil.”

The soft melodious voice of his space borne brother was lacking its usual transmission static and it was a pleasant surprise to roll over and find John sitting on a lounger beside him. “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself. How are you feeling?”

First question of any brother to any injured brother, of course. “Good, actually.” And he was. Relaxed, pain at a minimum, a gorgeous sunset in preparation, and... “Great to see you down here.” Virgil didn’t admit it often, but he did miss his middle brother. Didn’t really like him so far out of reach. But John loved it, so it was what it was. Didn’t mean Virgil couldn’t be happy to see him when he could. “What brings you to this little planet?”

The sun was sculpting John’s pale features and white shirt in almost molten gold, merging his skin with his copper hair. The odd thought of some kind of Greek god fluttered through the back of Virgil’s mind. He shook himself mentally. What the hell?

V.T. Green

-o-o-o-

John appreciates a fine meal. Of the five brothers, he is the one who will know about the wine. He’ll know which region it came from, what it should be eaten with and which year grew the plant it was made from. This, of course, means he is the most likely culprit to steal Scott’s boutique beers out of the fridge…to the point that one of the first signs of the middle brother being back on Earth is the sudden missing bottles from said refrigerator.

Virgil thinks it is hilarious.

Scott’s worried his brother is a secret alcoholic and keeps monitoring his intake.

Alan keeps messing with Scott’s head by pinching extra bottles to ‘up John’s intake’.

Gordon messes with everyone by refilling the bottles with apple juice.

But yes, John is the one to appreciate a good meal, most likely because he has to eat all that space crap eighty percent of the time.

Food, Tracy style

-o-o-o-

A sigh. “Um....never have I ever...er...been arrested?” Surely, they hadn’t done that?

“Are you kidding me?” Gordon, glugged down some more drink. “That’s an easy one. Paris. The Louvre.”

What?

Scott raised his hand holding his glass. “Gordon.” As if that explained everything. He swallowed heavily.

Alan snorted, rolled and fell face first onto the carpet.

Gordon laughed. “Hey, bro. Time to take another drink. Remember the teddy bear at the fair?”

“Crap.” Alan grabbed his glass and toasted the air. “Gordon.” Apparently, it did explain everything.

“Gordon.” Kayo said it like a zombie and swallowed some more alcohol. Ridley just stared at her, but was distracted as apparently not-so-asleep John attempted to locate his glass by pawing blindly at the carpet with one hand. His mumbled “Gordon.” Was almost muffled as Ridley tried to grab his arm.

“Lawn flamingo.” Virgil attempted to bring the drink to his mouth, but missed and threw it over his shoulder instead. “Oops.”

Em blinked.

“Okay, that’s it. I’m calling this game. Off to bed with the lot of you. I have the strongest feeling that I should have taken Grandma’s advice and gone to bed early myself.”

There were many a muttered groan, mostly of ‘Awww’ and her name, but the brothers mostly stumbled to their feet. Kayo had to drag Virgil off of Em. The man was heavy.

Ridley smiled at her as she manhandled her space noodle off into their rooms. John was muttering something about ‘Gordon’s fault...didn’t want to do that in a book store.’ Penny helped Alan to his rooms, all the time shooting glares at Gordon.

“What?” The aquanaut looked non-plussed. “What did I do?”

“Gordon, go look after your brother.” Scott’s voice was firm. He still hadn’t relaxed.

Em sighed, grabbed his arm and, activating her hoverjets, pulled him up. “C’mon, Commander, time for bed.”

“Em.” And suddenly she was in his arms.

“Flyboy, your blood alcohol content can be detected from space.”

“Space!” John’s voice echoed down the hallway.

“Not today, spaceman, you’d miss TB5 and end up on Mars.” Ridley was obviously being very patient.

“Not Mars. Wrong trejacktory.” A closing door shut off the rest of the mumbled maths that followed.

Never Have I Ever

-o-o-o-

John sighed, walked over to the bed and sat on the edge in echo of something he had done so many times as a boy. He used to come in here and talk Virgil’s ear off about space and stars and his latest science projects. Virgil, in turn, would nod, say the right things at the right time and generally be the good older brother. John suspected that Virgil hadn’t understood half of what he was saying, but the older boy had never said anything. Not that Virgil wasn’t smart, just his interests lay in different areas.

They were both quiet by nature and Virgil’s patience drew John to him. Mostly because he would listen. One of the hardest things about being a far above average student with very specific interests was finding someone to talk to about them. John wasn’t a big talker outside the family, but that was because society in general was lost two words into any sentence he wanted to construct. John had no use for general gossip when he had spent the day discovering a new extra-solar object. Who cared who won the football when Neptune was aligning with Earth in a way that wouldn’t happen for another one hundred and sixty five years?

It was Virgil who stopped and listened as a young John Tracy babbled about his latest discoveries.

He was his big brother.

The House

-o-o-o-

Unfortunately, distracted, he didn’t see brother number three and collided with him, nearly sending both of them to the floor.

“Oh, god, sorry…J-“ His hands met soft silk and he looked up, this time truly focussing on his tall brother.

Oh my god.

He must truly have some kind of sibling radar because there was no way in hell he could have recognised his brother otherwise.

“John?”

“Hey, Virgil.”

And yes, that was a smirk on that face.

He eyed the man from bottom to top. High heeled boots in shiny black leather. Black tights! High cut, buttoned up, deep blue coat sequined in an elaborate filigree with almost ankle length tails. The ends of his sleeves flared out like flowers over leather gloves. And a white silk cravat wrapped his throat with about ten layers of frills.

But all that didn’t live up to the hair. Oh, god, the hair. Gone was the familiar red, replaced with a fountain of silver white, springing in strands from the top of his head like a spray of leafless weeping willow, long enough to reach his chest.

Virgil stared. “Are you wearing makeup?”

The smirk widened and, yes, there was some kind of lip gloss to go with the elaborate eyeshadow arching into his brows.

Blink. “Wh-who are you?”

“Why, my dear child,” and John tapped him on the head with his ornamental riding crop. “I’m the Goblin King.”

Another blink. “Who?” He couldn’t recall ever seeing a goblin who looked quite like that.

And the more familiar John rolled his eyes. “A friend of mine advised me that this would be easier if I made myself completely unrecognisable. She is a fan of old movies, so I picked one.”

Virgil narrowed his eyes. “She?”

“She.”

“Okay.” He eyed his brother again. “I’ll take your word for it.”

A Warm Rain Halloween (wip)

-o-o-o-

It had been three days. His brother was now hooked up to several IVs and other invasive support mechanisms, his unconscious body needing assistance to survive. The usually agile, calm and kind man now lay pale, his hair unkempt and limp, eyes bruised smudges on his lifeless face, hands wrapped in copious bandages.

Virgil reached over and ran his fingers through that blond and red hair, attempting to straighten it out, forcing the flick to behave itself.

“C’mon, John, speak to me.” Virgil’s voice was little above a whisper. “I can’t do this without you.” And the statement was suddenly true. Spoken without thought, Virgil realised that through everything that had happened to him in the last few months, John had been there, even when Virgil was too terrified to see him, John had stood strong while his brother dragged him through the mud. He had done everything in his power, everything, to support Virgil. “God, don’t let a faulty circuit be your epitaph, you are worth so much more than that. So much more.”

He needed his brother’s dry wit. He needed his calm voice. He needed him.

Virgil let his head drop to the bed.

Please.

Father

-o-o-o-

John hated crowds, especially those involving the press. Scott went out of his way to make sure he wasn’t exposed to them, but his brother wasn’t available right now.

Head down, no eye contact. “No comment.”

“No comment.”

They crowded in on him and he grit his teeth.

A sharp crack and a yelp. A squawk and the clattering of plastic on concrete. A scream and a flash of light. John looked up to find holocams falling like rain. One close to him simply stopped and dropped. Another sparked, spun and dove at the nearest reporter. She screamed and ran.

The holocam chased her.

Oh.

The crowd began to disperse in erratic squeals and yelps of fear. John took advantage and dashed through to the doors of the hospital. Behind him, the elevator fired its thrusters, adding to the confusion, and launched towards orbit.

“Eos, you are dangerous.”

“Yes, John, and don’t you forget it.” The amusement in her voice had him smiling.

“Thank you.”

“You are welcome.”

Dirt

-o-o-o-

The only one standing entirely upright was her middle grandson. He brought up the rear, his tall, lithe form fluid as he walked. As always, his red hair was startling against his golden baldric. His eyes tracked around the room, his expression cool and controlled, but as his grandmother, she could see the tells of worry and exhaustion.

The great silver form of Eos sat on his arm preening her feathers. Every so often, the hawk would pause and survey the room, just like her bearer, her startling red eyes catching everything. Sal would never understand that relationship, but it had saved her family more than once and she was grateful, if still wary.

The Prince Who Would Not be King

-o-o-o-

If the quiet lifestyle is more your thing, you may wish to upgrade to John Tracy. ‘Up’ is the keyword here as he resides twenty-two thousand miles up, in orbit, in fact. Yes, John is the original space Tracy. Fully adapted to the cold and dark beyond our atmosphere, he does indeed adore the quiet life.

However, before we tempt you any further, it should be noted that John is the only Tracy brother who is a parent. A single parent at that. Inadvertent though her existence is, Eos is recognised as John’s daughter and she presents a number of unique challenges, the least of which is what she will do to your bank accounts if you upset her. Yes, if you are looking for bankruptcy, offending Eos is a fantastic way to achieve your goal.

In summary, don’t piss off the kid.

Having said that, should she approve of your existence, Eos is quite capable of enhancing that existence should she so choose. In any case, John’s daughter is a great conversationalist, even if she has locked you in the bathroom.

John himself sports arguably the most stunning eyes of all the five brothers. Alan, please be quite and Scott, sit down.

A unique pair of turquoise irises that contrast exquisitely with his copper hair makes for a stunning date to have on your arm. The only downside is that arm may need to be handcuffed to yours if you intend on going anywhere involving more than six people at a time.

Our space Tracy is not a social being. Despite communication as a profession, John Tracy has been heard to wish to only speak to others from space. This may include you. Please keep your phone charged at all times.

It should also be noted that if your phone battery is dead and John wishes to contact you, he may hack an appliance as mundane as your toaster. Communicating via the temperature controls in the shower has been reported. Virgil was not impressed.

John is one of the taller Tracys. Unlike Scott, however, heels may not be needed as ninety-five percent of the time John is in space, so if you are planning to get to know him, you’re going to be in space too. Just float up to look him in those gorgeous eyes.

A fan of spaceball and Star Trek, John is your traditional loveable geek. Be aware that his neighbour knows this and you may want to lock all the airlocks in case she comes knocking for a cup of sugar.

John is definitely a good investment and comes with a space station to boot. You will be able to spend many hours stargazing both at the universe and those irises.

Plus One Tracy

-o-o-o-

Oh, I do have a couple of John focussed fics. The fluffiest is Bagel.

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds #thunderbirds fanfiction #john tracy

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herecomesnaya · 5 years

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1/2 When I first joined DC fandom I used to be a top Jason stan (otp JayDick)but now I'm all about bottom jay. But, when I think about it, finding arguments for topJason is much easier and perhaps more 'valid' (you know,cause his bad boy attitude and built but also his insecurities and wanting to feel superior/in charge etc.)than him being a bottom and I kind of acknowledge that me seeing him as such is just a matter of my personal preference and tbh I couldn't justify my stance if I were asked.

2/2 So I’m interested to hear, if you had to explain why Jason as a character is more likely to be a bottom, what would your arguments be? (I hope you got both parts of this question)

I’ve been saving this one to give a nice, well-thought-out reply, so why not now when I’m already knee-deep in some kinda Jason discourse today lol

there are a few things to address first before I get straight into why I tend to write Jason bottoming more often than not:

first: I’m gonna switch it from “top/bottom” to “dominant/submissive,” because I believe that’s more accurate than whether someone gives or takes it in bed.

second, I’m a switch, so I naturally tend to think of characters in terms of what they’d be like both domming and submitting, and in general I don’t care what other people do with fictional characters’ sexualities anyway

and third, the interesting thing about human sexuality that I’ve learned through a combination of a bunch of sex-related hobbies and careers over my life is how completely incapable you are of telling what a person is like in bed just by how they act outside of it. there’s a reason the “shy geek who’s a freak in bed” trope exists!

that sex-related stuff also gave me very useful insight into male sexuality especially. and the thing about strong, powerful, or otherwise confident men? they want to submit in bed far more often than they want to continue to be dominant. sex can very much be a role-reversal fantasy for a lot of people, or a relax, an escape, “giving up the reins” for a little while to someone else.

now, how do I see this applying to Jason Todd specifically?

the first thing I can point to is canon evidence in how he treats his romantic and sexual relationships. in the few he’s had on-screen, pretty much every one of them has something in common: it’s the other person making the move, usually while Jason looks startled.

here’s him with Essence from one of the recent RHATO issues. notice her hand on his head, pulling him close. her eyes are closed, his are open, like she caught him in the middle of a sentence or took him off-guard.

there’s Artemis, who’s consistently been the stronger, taller, more dominant one between the two of them. check out this panel: her hands tangled in his collar, Jason telling her to stop talking and acting like that, eyes wide again right before she cuts him off mid-sentence with a kiss.

much as I hate new 52 rhato, even it reinforces this: Isabel makes the first move, while Jason is confused and flustered. he seems to get more confident with her in rebirth rhato, but by that point, they’d already been together/friends with benefits for a while.

and of course. of course I have to mention Talia. whether it’s their first kiss:

(which you could technically explain away since he’d just gotten his memories back and was confused and a mess in general)

or the time they actually sleep together (anyone who starts rape discourse with me is getting kicked straight in the teeth I swear to holy God):

he’s always the one to defer to what his partners want. and that’s with women, who are generally seen as the less dominant half of a m/f relationship (whether that’s actually true or not, it bears mentioning, when I write mainly m/m and we don’t have any scenes like that with Jason to compare it to)

but those are kisses. how can we extrapolate what he might be like once it goes farther?

in fact, I think it’s because of those traits you listed as likely to make him more dominant. bear with me here.

his “bad boy” attitude and insecurities: that’s just it, his whole outward persona is mostly a fabrication. he isn’t actually some cold, cruel badass like he’d like Gotham’s underbelly to believe. he isn’t even cool with the idea of being disowned by the batfamily, much as he tries to play it off. he keeps sentimental pictures and objects, he cries on-screen more often than any of the other Robins (at least from what I’ve seen), he bases his whole self-worth around being accepted by the people whose love he wants.

his need to feel superior/in charge: again, this is a direct reflection of feeling powerless and insecure. he projects a LOT in his day-to-day interactions with other people. and remember what I said about powerful men in the beginning?

I believe that Jason would be more likely to submit because he wants to please his partners. he wants their approval. he wants a release from the constant pressure of trying to be the biggest, baddest, most in-control version of himself. even if Jason were to top, I think he’d still retain these traits, as evidenced by the canon snippets provided above.

so that’s my viewpoint! again, though, I don’t think anyone who writes Jason as a top/a dom is “wrong” or anything. just different interpretations of the same character! and isn’t that what every comic is at its core, anyway?

thanks for the fun question!

#ask #fic chatter #a little #because it applies to my fic-writing process #Anonymous #actually I'm feeling a bit rebellious #let's put this in the tags #DC #Batman #Jason Todd

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writeradamanteve · 5 years

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Credit and Inspiration

(Please get comfortable, as this is going to be a long one)

I had a discussion with a friend last night, and it was riveting, upsetting, emotional, funny, and caring. It had to do with my latest work, Daemon Bound, and how it had similarities to a novel called Disenchanted & Co. by Lynn Viehl and that it would be appropriate if I credited this novel as inspiration for Daemon Bound.

Specifically, in the interest of full disclosure: Victorian Steampunk America, a heroine that is a private investigator who specializes in spirits, how her investigations are impeded by a sexist society, she dressed up as a boy once, she impersonates a prostitute, a ward was placed by a dead family member, a netherworld that only the magic wielders can see, she carries her dead father’s magic pocket watch, her love interest is dark, brooding, magic wielder.

A couple of things immediately happened when she pointed out the similarities of this novel to my story:

1) I was truly upset. My head started pounding. My neck felt like it was expanding and blowing up.

2) I was incredibly mortified. It sounded exactly like I copied this story and did not give credit to this author.

But there are also a couple of things that are true as I was feeling all this:

1) I have never read Disenchanted & Co. Last night was the first time I ever knew it existed.

2) The Daemon Bound story you are reading now is a reworked version of itself and nothing else. It was not based off another fandom. It is not material from another fandom. Everything about Daemon Bound--originally titled “Marked”, at some point “Lost”, even--was 100% from my imagination. I can produce all 21 chapters of it right now if you ask me for it.

So my friend and I, we kept having this conversation, and she mentioned how I had left in the name Lucien and this book happens to have a main character with the name Lucien, and I seriously wanted to die. I did write in Lucien by mistake, mainly because in the first version of this story, Lucien Armentiers is a “cousin” in Jughead’s new household, whom he suspects is not his cousin. I had taken a snippet from my original version (Chapter 5), where Betty is already in New York and Lucien is there, causing mischief.

Lucien is not scheduled to make an appearance in Daemon Bound anymore. I’ve scrapped Lucien’s character. Hell, I scrapped the characters of two other ghosts that were supposed to be in Betty’s house--Martin and Francis, a thief from the Brick Break gang who was murdered in cold blood and a little boy, who drowned in a river and whose father was driven to drink and ruination because of his death, respectively, because Laura did everything for Betty’s character that all three of them were supposed to do, combined.

At this point, however, I was ready to throw in the towel. I contemplated giving up on this story, because what was the point? It seemed like someone had written something like it already. I wasn’t going to take it down, because I have nothing to hide. This story is 100% mine. I am willing to let people read Disenchanted & Co. and compare it to my story, and let everyone see that everything is different. But something inside me was dying and it was beginning to feel like writing this story is futile.

Guys, the amount of effort I am putting into writing Daemon Bound--it is far more challenging than anything I’ve written. I take note of every line of dialogue, of whether the objects and occupations and technology--even the made up ones--can exist in this world. My original version sounded far more modern than the world I am writing now in Daemon Bound. I sit writing for a couple of hours and I realize that I’ve only written 500 words. It’s so hard to write this story, but I love doing it, and to find out that I’m not even that original--it’s painful. I was going to give this up.

But you know, when a friend comes to you with these hard conversation from a place of caring and sincerity, and the lines of communication stay open, the discussion wasn’t going to end at that. In spite of my friend having papers to write, homework to finish, she kept on talking to me, and she said that these similarities were superficial details and that the core of the novel was different from mine.

As a quick reminder, my friend’s aim wasn’t to shame me or catch me plagiarizing, it was to call out inspiration from an existing work.

So if I hadn’t read the book, she advised that I do. I’m not gonna lie--I don’t want to read the book. I don’t. I’d rather give up writing this story. But should I continue, I don’t want this book influencing me in any way, shape or form, because this book did not exist in my mind until my friend pointed it out. But because she is sincere and had no intentions of killing my inspiration, she offered to tell me the gist of the novel, and she did, and the points above are where the similarities to the novel ended. The main characters and their personalities are different from Betty and Jughead, the main plot is different, the romantic development is different--everything else is different. So at the end of our conversation, where Dawson’s Creek and Veronica Mars was brought up, even, my friend was wholly successful in bringing back to life what was on the verge of death.

She is a true friend and I am grateful that it was she who brought this conversation to me. If it were someone who didn’t give much of a shit, I think it might have been the end of my fanfic writing career. Not exaggerating.

ALL THAT SAID, this novel exists and I’m not going to pretend it’s not there. While I have never read this book, I’m going to point out that this novel and my story have these similarities. I can’t lie and say this novel inspired me, because I’ve never seen it before this, but I should be able to point to it and say, “Listen, you can think that I was inspired by this book, and that’s okay.”

We all get inspired by tropes and similar material, whether it’s done consciously or some cosmic, collective ether of creativity. This writer and I--we probably worship in some similar cognitive temple, and I dig that. We were inspired by the same things--romance, daring, adventure. There isn’t a quarrel here and I don’t want anyone thinking that I am not giving credit where credit is due.

Because truly--I have been writing stories for 30 years, and I believe that I’ve lived by the purest of fanfic codes, which is to credit the source material. I don’t have to tell anyone that to NOT plagiarize is the barest minimum of writing. It doesn’t take a hero to do that. You don’t get a medal for not plagiarizing. But it does take a bit more effort to give credit, to call out what inspires a story, and to tag your work appropriately.

So this is what I have to write and this is what I have to give. Take from it what you wish. I respect everyone’s thoughts about this, good or bad.

My promise remains the same--if I get Anonymous trolling, it’s going nowhere, buddy. I’m deleting that shit. Put your name on your comments and I’m more likely to reply to it as respectfully as possible. If you put your name on it and your comment is likely to hurt my feelings, you’ll just have to put up with the reality that I may not reply to it, but I won’t delete it. I don’t even think I can.

I don’t know what’s going to happen from hereon, but I want to be completely and utterly transparent. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

#daemonbound #daemon bound #writeradamanteve #adamanteve #bughead fanfiction #inspiration #disenchanted & co #lynn veihl

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chouetteffraie · 5 years

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About BSD S3

Alternative title: Kenna talks about stuff literally nobody asked her to <3

So now that s3 is over and I’ve had a few days to breathe, I think I wanna say a thing or two about the season overall. Now, I’m not a meta writer, I’m not a person who can go in over analyzing everything perfectly- quite simply, I don’t have the brainpower to do that for too long. So rather than this being an analysis of everything and an objective evaluation of the quality of the season, this is largely an emotional response where I just talk about my experience with it. I’m not a critic- I don’t think I have that in my blood. I watch to enjoy, then reflect on what I did and didn’t enjoy, taking snippets and twisting them into something that might become deep and meaningful occasionally if it suits my writing. There’s nothing wrong with being a critical analyzer! We need you all in the fandom for all these fabulous metas and such <3 I just don’t think I’m the right gal for the job.

“So, Kenna, what is it you have to say?” Well, in the simplest of terms,

I really liked season 3.

“...wow. Groundbreaking.”

Now, let me explain myself. There are problems with season 3, as there are with most seasons, but I feel, overall, there were enough things that I liked about season 3 to keep the season in my favor.

I think my biggest criticism would have to be with pacing. The pacing in this season was so off for me and can be described as sporadic at best. From backstories to character introductions to character re-introductions, there was so much that went by in a blur and so much that seemed to go on forever. My biggest complaint probably has to do with (yup, you guessed it) the adaptation of Fifteen.

Let me explain.

First of all, I think the complaints that Bones used Soukoku as ship bait have a sturdy foundation, and I’m not here to dispute that. As a Dazatsu main myself, I’m not gonna complain about loving scenes with your favorite ship in them- I would absolutely die if next season (hopefully there is a next season!) we got a three-episode plot revolving around Dazai and Atsushi. However, I just don’t think it fit in nicely with the rest of the series.

After all, it’s kind of unfortunate that we got 3 episodes of Soukoku’s backstory, and yet our protagonist only got 1/3 of an episode.

Maybe Fifteen would’ve stood better as an OVA, or maybe if it could’ve been shaved down to two episodes. Maybe if BSD had been given three more episodes for genuine content, things would’ve been better. I don’t know how possible any of these things would’ve been, but they’re ideas. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed Fifteen overall. But I remember thinking that it seemed so out of place when I knew the chaotic arc that was coming.

I’m not an avid manga reader, but I know enough to be able to say that the BSD manga has a lot of content, a lot of nuance, and a lot of personality. The manga is the source material and what got people so invested in the story. If there wasn’t an interest in the manga, would there even have been an anime adaptation? What I’m saying here is that staying true to the manga is a good rule of thumb, and while of course you won’t be able to translate everything into animation, it’s probably best to try and be as similar as possible with a story like BSD.

Manga readers ate up the story of BSD without being interrupted by Fifteen, because as far as I’m aware, Fifteen is fairly new? (Didn’t it come out around Dead Apple time? I’m not entirely sure, but it might’ve been.) And, unlike The Dark Era, the events of Fifteen didn’t have nearly as much of an impact on Dazai (that would later impact our protagonist- after all, how could he mentor Atsu if he never quit the mafia?). Fifteen was more Chuuya-centric in terms of future impact, which brings me to my next point.

Chuuya is a side character. I love him, honestly, and think he’s a great character, but he isn’t our main focus. This seems to be a problem that Bones has a lot: “forgetting” who their protagonist is.

I can defend The Dark Era because of how it explains Dazai’s connection with the mafia and why he switched sides. Dazai is easier to get away with focusing on because he is a primary character, although not the protagonist, and probably has some of the most influence on our true protagonist out of all the characters we know. Chuuya....doesn’t. At least, not yet. His backstory, while interesting and fun to see, is inconsequential to where our protagonist is at right now in the story. In fact, I’m not even sure if Atsushi and Chuuya have interacted in the anime aside from that standoff in the hospital hallway- and even then, that was an illusion. While Fifteen gave us a glimpse to Dazai’s life in the mafia, it didn’t give us anything we didn’t already know other than how he met Chuuya, and how he met Chuuya didn’t impact his relationship much with him or explain why he hates him so much- they just kind of always did. (what would you call that? Anti-chemistry?) That means it also didn’t really impact the major decisions Dazai had to make to get to where he was when he found Atsushi- which is when he began to matter, because that’s when he started influencing the world of the protagonist who is supposed to drive our experience through the narrative.

Please note, this isn’t a hate on Soukoku, and if you like Fifteen, or thought it fit, or just liked it because it gave you such good SKK content, I’m happy for you! This is just a personal grudge I have with the series.

This is why Fifteen would’ve stood better as an OVA- it doesn’t have anything to do with the protagonist. A core purpose of the protagonist in any story is to make the narrative relevant. The events of a story are connected because they pertain to the protagonist. Let’s take the Hunger Games as an example. The events of the actual game don’t relate at all to the death of the Everdeen father, or the fact that Primrose Everdeen was selected, or the fact that a certain Everdeen was given a pin of a mockingjay. These are all important because they relate to our protagonist, Katniss. Her father dying made her have to step up inthe household and feel responsible for her mother and sister’s safety, which helped prompt her to volunteer as tribute. Her pin later became the symbol of a revolution, but only because it was hers. If our protagonist had been Peeta, Katniss’ backstory with her father and mother and sister wouldn’t matter to us because it wouldn’t be our protagonist’s concern.

So, why, then, did we get 3 episodes of Chuuya’s backstory and 10 minutes (not even) of Atsushi’s? Hell, we got more of Kyouka’s backstory than Atsushi’s, or at least a better buildup to it. We even got more content of Randou, a character they completely screwed up (and also didn’t really affect Atsushi). I know events are tied together and connected, but when trying to fit an arc like Cannibalism into 12 30-minute episodes, you’ve gotta decide what’s important and what’s not.

Bones, I feel, didn’t choose what was most important.

“Alright, Kenna, all you’ve done is complain. I thought you said you liked season 3?”

That’s the thing, though- I did.

I like the time they spent with Lucy and Kyouka’s hostile interactions. I liked the background they gave to certain characters (Gin, Kyouka, Atsu [even though we got so little], Katai [-ish]) plus we got more Fyodor content. Fitzgerald’s episode was really good, too! I’m a newly-fledged, softcore Fitzgerald stan. I think the last three episodes were pretty well put together, and I ADORED the final scene (no, not just for the Dazatsu content- although thank you for the food, Bones uwu).

Now, these are all little things, yeah, but I feel together they make up enough for Fifteen on my end. See, I’ve always thought BSD had pacing issues from season 1. It’s no news to me that they had trouble squeezing all the content in the episodes they were given, to be honest. If I separate Fifteen from the rest of the season, to me, it’s cardinal sin is pacing, and only pacing. The issues of Fifteen are plentiful, but it doesn’t seem fair to me (and for me, it’s more than ok if you disagree) to pile that all on to the rest of the episodes. Yeah, it was disappointing that we didn’t get as much Fyodor time, or Atsu backstory time, or whatever else we wanted. But to me, that’s okay. We still got the point of what’s going on- the city is in trouble, the worst is yet to come, and Atsushi and Akutagawa have a deal now.

Bungo Stray Dogs has always appealed to me because of its characters more than its story, I connected with the people, not the narrative. I still thoroughly enjoy the story, but I’m more interested in how the characters interact in general and how they operate as a team or in stressful situations. For that purpose, Bones provided. At least they did in my book, even if we didn’t get enough of who we wanted to see.

I have hope for next season, if there is one. I have hope that Bones will right their wrongs. I have hopes that they’ll fix their pacing a little bit. The manga has so much content to portray, though, that a certain pacing issue can be forgiven (like the ones I saw in s1 and s2.) And, because I love the characters, I’m willing to hold out for another potential season and see if they can fix it.

If you’re upset, you have every reason to be. But, though I have my complaints, I can’t say I’m too terribly disappointed. Maybe a little, but I still look forward to future content. I hope we get it soon, if at all.

(And, believe it or not, this is the shortened version of all my thoughts. Haha!)

#bsd #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #anime reaction #attempted meta #bsd spoilers #bsd season 3 spoilers #bsd season 3 #long post #orig

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miraculouscontent · 6 years

Note

Have you written anything about what specifically you dislike about Gigantitan? I tried searching for it on my own, but Tumblr Is Not A Functioning Website

I haven’t talked about it much at the time of posting, so don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything.

“Gigantitan” is my least favorite episode of Miraculous from a strict watchability standpoint, being the only episode that I wanted to quit watching outright (and would’ve had I not been watching with someone else). There are episodes that have worse writing from a plot/character view, but “Gigantitan” is the only episode that I firmly believe has no value whatsoever.

[Lolliplot]

I have no problem with filler in concept. Filler can actually be very important to a show’s runtime, letting shows rake in some more views for the more high-budget episodes by filling in story gaps with fun little snippets about nothing.

But this episode isn’t fun. It’s just nothing.

Let’s start with what this episode actually offers for future plot points. Firstly, it confirms JARM (Juleka, Alix, Rose, and Mylene) being already aware of the fact that Marinette has a crush on Adrien.

We didn’t need to know this. Everyone could’ve guessed that anyone in the class already knew. If I’d skipped this episode completely and seen “Frozer”, I wouldn’t have batted an eye at JARM already knowing and making suggestions about what Marinette should do about Adrien.

The other thing this episode does is show that an akuma can switch targets, which happens later in “Zombizou” anyway. Not only that, but I don’t know how genuine this moment even is, because it’s just a “comedic” ploy to get a reaction out of Hawk Moth. I can see the result in two ways: either this is relevant because this is going to happen later (actually making this episode pointless because it’s going to happen in a later episode) or this was a one-off and no one will ever know if it was a legitimate thing or a comedic detail.

It just leaves me confused.

Point being, I don’t want to hear brags from the writing staff about how this season has “no filler” because it’s a cheap way to generate hype when all they really did was sprinkle in crumbs of establishing plot into this particular episode. If one were to ask the question, “Why couldn’t it be established that they know about Marinette’s crush in a different episode?”, the only answer would’ve been, “Because this episode would’ve been filler otherwise.”

It’s lazy. Simple as that.

[Don’t Cry Me a River]

I don’t talk about myself often on my blog, but I’ll have to say a little bit to get my point across. See, some things I’ve never mentioned about myself before are that my ears are pretty sensitive, my eyes don’t like saturated colors, and I’m easily disgusted (not amused) by gross-out humor.

Already, my next problem with this episode is obvious.

I don’t like babies. I hate them, in fact. Don’t like looking at them, don’t like holding them, and every scream feels like sharp nails being jammed into my brain. They’re gross and loud and I have no maternal instincts whatsoever.

As a baby, August has no personality. He has no traits and his shtick is “he’s a baby.” That’s literally it. He cries, he screams, he’s easily distracted, and he’s completely unintelligent.

An akumatized person isn’t even supposed to be the same exact thing as the person they akumatize, but that’s exactly what Gigantitan is; August, but with powers.

And those colors blind me. The neon pink and green are hideous. One might say that it’s the idea because Hawk Moth akumatized a baby (and those akumatized might get to pick their looks), but that doesn’t change the facts that they didn’t have to akumatize a baby and that the design is still terrible to look at even if there’s a reason for it.

And the model is disgusting. I outright gagged at the scene with Adrien’s bodyguard and the saliva and just–EUGH, EW, GROSS!!

Once the timestamp hits the point where August turns into Gigantitan, it’s nothing by baby humor for eight straight minutes.

And Hawk Moth can’t just, y'know, release the akuma, because that would end the episode.

Hawk Moth’s even been shown to be able to torment his victims to some degree to get them to do what he wants but oh no we can’t have that because it’s a baby.

Personally, I would’ve drop kicked this obnoxious little menace into the Seine like a sack of rotten potatoes.

[Character Dos and Don'ts Except It’s Actually Just Don'ts]

No one has their head on straight in this episode. No one is safe from the “Gigantitan” go-with-what-the-script-says flu.

Alya setting up this huge elaborate plan instead of focusing on Marinette’s actual problems concerning Adrien.

Rose not understanding the flower naming theme despite being rarely shown as incompetent, which is also something no one does anything about because everyone’s so hooked on using codenames.

Adrien’s bodyguard calming down out of nowhere right when the akuma shows up.

Hawk Moth not just releasing the akuma and accepting that this was a bad idea.

Adrien brushing off all of Marinette’s stuttering despite this being a thing he should be concerned about by now and instead just being like “OKAY BYE YOU SEEM STABLE TODAY”

It’s all just set up so the episode goes exactly how the show wants it to and it drives me nuts.

Alya can’t be smart and realize that codenames aren’t a good idea (given Rose’s confusion) or the plan couldn’t mess up in “hilarious” ways.

Hawk Moth can’t do anything intelligent or the episode will just fall apart.

Even just the little things, like the fact that Alix brushes off Marinette’s fear that the boys know about her crush as “nah of course not because they’re boys.” That annoys me because I don’t like the suggestion that the boys are oblivious about love just because they’re boys. This escalates further in “Glaciator” with Ivan and I’m constantly frustrated about it because there’s already a logical, actually sensible reason for JARM to know and none of the boys to: them being closer friends with Marinette and thus seeing more of her than the boys do. I don’t mind specific characters gender-stereotyping, but not when it’s the show itself doing it and imprinting that on the characters themselves to make it true.

On another note, Adrien’s bodyguard is also extra infuriating because he has to get over his rage immediately or he’d be akumatized instead of the baby, which would’ve been actually fun. I’ve said it before, but one of the worst sins an episode can commit is presenting a more fun and/or interesting idea than what they actually go with.

Heck. Adrien’s bodyguard in general is pretty inconsistent. He gets upset about everything going wrong for him, then calms down almost instantly. You’d think the latter is because he sees Adrien, but when Marinette’s talking to him, Adrien’s bodyguard starts honking rudely at them instead of letting Adrien finish a freaking conversation. This is why I hate this guy so much; he’s so inconsistent and constantly swaps between caring about Adrien’s desires and just being irritating.

And, oh boy, that ending scene. I already complained about it in “Treatment of Marinette (Season 2)”, but it drives me up a wall.

Marinette stuttering was not her fault. It was the writing’s. It’s so blatantly obvious, especially on Marinette’s second attempt where she rejects riding home with Adrien.

Yet, the episode still has her friends get annoyed with her. There just comes a point where things stop being Marinette’s fault and start being the writers tripping her up and tugging at her pigtails because “No, bad Marinette, you’re not allowed to make progress even if it’s completely in character for you at this point.”

Marinette goes through this whole plan (and I frankly don’t care if the intention was to get Adrien’s bodyguard in trouble because screw him, honestly), even stopping at one point and almost ruining everything because she wanted to help a baby, and for what?

Nothing. Marinette embarrassed herself in front of her friends, embarrassed herself in front of Adrien, and she gets teased.

I don’t have to wonder why Marinette is constantly fumbling and afraid of screwing up, because her friends and others are always teasing her for being clumsy/stuttering/etc. Alya teases her at the end and Marinette looks so embarrassed at what she’d said, but then the end card just pops up as if we’re supposed to forget about Marinette’s issues and anxiety. They go completely unaddressed and this episode is the worst example I can think of when imagining episodes that try to brush off Marinette’s problems as “you just gotta get it right this time.”

And of course, Alix makes a comment about how Marinette knowing Adrien’s schedule is “creepy.” Like, ‘k, cool, so if she does believe that, what is she gonna do about it? Confront her? Just accept it because she’s her friend and saying anything would’ve forced this episode to not happen?

The is one of the few times Marinette’s schedule (that she has only ever used for purposes of confessing/taking a confession back/tracking down Adrien for crucial reasons) has been brought up, but the show doesn’t want to dwell on it. The show doesn’t seem to want anyone its audience to think about, but it still wants to crack jokes at Marinette’s expense.

And instead of addressing Marinette’s core issues, all five of her friends just waffle around them. If this was actually fun, I probably wouldn’t mind, but with this being the unpleasant experience that it is, I feel like the glaring flaws are constantly being shoved in my face.

[Predictakillity]

This is probably the fourth-ish time I’ve said this in my blog’s lifespan, but one way to send my interest into a downward spiral is when I can predict an episode. There are exceptions, like when I see a scene or hear a particular line and go “Yes! This is probably leading up to [x]”, but most of the time, it’s negative.

And, from start to finish, I could predict this episode. After every scene that happened, I could predict what was going to happen next.

The second I saw this elaborate plan, I knew it wasn’t going to work. Even more insulting was when they threw the fantasy sequence in, because that made it even more obvious. After all, why would they show us what’s going to happen later in the episode instead of building suspense and then having us see the happy moment when it’s actually real?

Not only that, but the fantasy sequence is doubly terrible because it was some top-tier Adrienette and it’s fake. It just brings down the next Adrienette scene that follows it in whatever future episode because now they have to beat “having ice cream together” or it becomes underwhelming.

And that’s exactly what it did, because “Glaciator” was the next episode with Adrienette in it and it had the gall to set up the exact same premise without even letting them have ice cream together. It tore me up too because I knew that’s what they’d do; I knew they weren’t going to show the audience what they wanted to see because the fantasy sequence in “Gigantitan” already showed it. I wanted to be wrong and I wasn’t.

Back to “Gigantitan” itself, most of the jokes and dialog are so drawn out that it felt impossible to not know where things were going to go. They hold on jokes for way too long and everything is so in your face that things become obvious.

The second Rose started messing up the codenames, I knew she was going to be a weak link in the plan.

The moment Juleka got stuck, I knew most of them were going to have to swap jobs and be stuck doing something they weren’t good at.

The instant August appeared on screen (with spoken dialog from the mom, no less), I immediately pointed and said, “That’s who’s getting akumatized.” No amount of Adrien’s bodyguard getting annoyed fooled me because I knew it would be a red herring.

At the very first mention of August wanting a lollipop, I knew that it was going to be important to take him down when he was akumatized.

When the akuma went into August’s bracelet, I knew Hawk Moth would just run with it and wouldn’t give it up.

Even with the lucky charm, which is typically one of my favorite moments in episodes because Ladybug always gets stuck with the most random stuff, I knew what it was for before Ladybug’s Lucky Vision even went off.

And at the final moments of the episode, where Marinette wanted to just get straight to the point, I knew; I knew she wasn’t going to be able to do it. I knew this episode wasn’t going to let her have her moment. I knew her friends would get irritated with her. I knew the writing would just brush it off.

When Marinette’s friends kept asking, “Is she going to do it?”, I was pleading for them to just be quiet because it made the outcome so obvious. Everything’s obvious. When I realized that August was the next akuma victim, I knew that this episode would be nothing but baby humor and gross-out.

I hated that I knew. I didn’t want to know. With every passing minute, I kept begging–hoping–that the episode would throw me some sort of twist.

One wrench in the predictability. One instance where something wasn’t what I expected. One nanosecond where all the characters just looked at each other and went, “Hey, maybe everything that’s going on right now is actually really contrived?”

I got nothing. Once the episode was over, I got into a three hour conversation on why it was the worst thing I’d seen out of Miraculous from an enjoyability standpoint.

And every time Gigantitan shows up as an akuma again, I feel all that annoyance come right back. A full 26 episodes haven’t even passed yet since his episode and Gigantitan has shown up three times.

I hate this episode so much. I hate it because it’s a combination of nearly everything I could hate in an episode.

Character destruction.

Gross-out.

Babies.

Obviousness.

Predictability.

And worst of all, the promise–the set-up–of progress that the protagonist deserves but doesn’t get in the end despite all the garbage they’ve been through and WILL go through.

I think back to this episode and I just find myself unbelievably frustrated. In a way, I feel like I should be glad about how pointless it is. After all, its pointlessness means that I have no reason to ever go back to it.

But also, it didn’t need to exist, and those 22 minutes could’ve been spent doing literally anything else that this season desperately needed.

Instead, it’s 22 minutes of nothing.

#((Rare occasion where I'm actually heated and not just stating facts.))#category: salt #((Super Salt.))#((Mega Salt.))#((Ultra Salt.))#episode: Gigantitan #other: ask and answer #category: long post #word count: over 2000

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whitewolfofwinterfell · 5 years

Text

After the season 8 premiere ‘Winterfell’ I am so conflicted as to what the hell is going on with Jon. Everything about him seems so off and all I can think is that there are two possibilities: 1. political!Jon is real or 2. the show is suffering permanently from poor writing (which I admit is a very real possibility).

Disclaimer: This post contains spoilers for season 8 episode 1 and is anti-Jonerys. Generally, it explores my conflicted feelings about Jon’s character arc and assesses the possibility of political!Jon. I don’t really support or oppose the theory, I’m more open to the possibility of it but doubtful. Ultimately, I still have no clue what to think or believe, all I know is that 8x01 has only added to my confusion regarding Jon’s behaviour and this post is me working my way through those thoughts and feelings.

Generally speaking, the problem with Jon in season 7 and the first episode of season 8 is that he is a central character of which the main plots (the war against the dead and the parentage reveal) are built upon, yet I can’t seem to get a grasp on his character at all. What is he thinking? What is he feeling? It all seems so ambiguous and vague. Even the parentage reveal fails to give us any insight at all into what the hell Jon thinks or feels about it. The question is this: is this deliberate and purposeful writing because political!Jon is real? Is it merely poor writing? Or is it something else altogether? Let’s explore this in more detail.

The problem with political!Jon is that it doesn’t have much merit since Daenerys allowed Jon to mine the dragon glass, provided him with men to do that, supported his idea to get a wight to take to Kings Landing, risked her safety and her dragons to rescue Jon and the others (losing Viserion in the process), vowed to fight in the Great War and pledged her forces to fight alongside before Jon made any admission of bending the knee.

However, there are too many things that can be interpreted as suspicious and vague regarding Jon’s behaviour. If Jon didn’t bend the knee for political reasons that means he did it purely out of admiration and/or love for Daenerys, but this doesn’t hold up. Firstly, Jon’s feelings for Daenerys were developed insanely quickly without much basis. I won’t go into great detail, because many other people have in the past and I’d only be repeating them. But in episode 5 of season 7 Jon still referred to Dany as being a “stranger” and despite their goodbye being the perfect moment to emphasise Jon’s growing feelings for Daenerys, they had him leave Dragonstone without even a backward glance at Dany (this is particularly odd, when you consider the fact that Jorah, who we know for a fact is in love with Dany, looked back at her). Even if Jon was in love with Daenerys when he bent the knee, he had nothing to gain from doing it. Daenerys was clearly romantically interested in him and she’d also agreed to be his ally, so he could’ve remained her ally without bending the knee and even pursued a sexual/romantic relationship with her all without bending the knee. By bending the knee, Jon unnecessarily relinquished his crown and pledged his armies to fight for Daenerys in the battle for the Seven Kingdoms (if they survive the Great War); two negative outcomes that Jon wouldn’t have had to endure if he hadn’t of bent the knee.

This is the reason there’s so much debate regarding whether Jon is truly in love with Daenerys or manipulating her for military/political gain. The debate has mostly come to be regarded as largely a ship war in disguise, but it’s much more than that. Personally, I don’t care about ships, this issue is about Jon for me. Jon is one of my favourite characters and I’m very confused because something doesn’t add up here. Despite the emphasis on Jon as a main character, it’s so unclear as to what his actual motivations are and his decision to bend the knee isn’t supported by any logic that I can find.

If political!Jon is untrue why are there still so many ambiguities surrounding Jon’s motives? In the new episode Sansa plainly and directly asked him, “Did you bend the knee to save the north or because you love her?” It’s a simple question with a simple answer, yet we don’t get to see Jon’s response. Why not? This whole debate about Jon’s motives could have been put to bed in a second but instead the writers decided to cut to another scene and leave us hanging. The assumption from most fans (I assume?) is that Jon bent the knee because he admired Daenerys and wanted to offer himself up to her as a gesture of goodwill to solidify their alliance. But if that’s true, why hasn’t the first episode of season 8 shown us that? Why is it that Jon is still tiptoeing around the subject of Daenerys and why he bent the knee? If he loves her, why not just say that? There are no negative repercussions that could come from admitting it; after all Daenerys is a queen and he’s a king (or at least used to be), so nobody has the authority to tell them it’s wrong. In fact, Davos, Tyrion and Varys explicitly discussed the benefits of Jon and Daenerys entering into a political marriage. By all accounts, Jon having romantic feelings for Daenerys is not a negative thing. The Northern people may not look upon it favourably, but when push comes to shove, they don’t have any say in the decisions that are made by Jon and Daenerys as rulers and people in positions of authority. Plus, with the upcoming war, the Northerners being a little pissed off that Jon is romantically involved with Daenerys is hardly at the top of their problems. Even if Jon doesn’t wish to disclose his romantic feelings for Daenerys to everybody, why not Sansa? Despite their ongoing conflict, Sansa has made it very clear that she is in Jon’s corner. She explicitly tells him she has faith in him just before she asks why he bent the knee yet he doesn’t answer her question. Why not?

For the sake of proving how vague Jon has been in episode 1 about his feelings towards Daenerys and reasons for bending the knee, let’s take a look at exactly what he said about it in 8x01:

I have brought those allies home to fight alongside us. I had a choice, keep my crown or protect the North. I chose the North. The problem with this is that we know it’s not true. In 7x05 when Jon declared himself a king, Dany didn’t argue and even understood Jon’s reasons for not bending the knee to her. When Daenerys told Jon they’d defeat the Night King together in 7x06 she didn’t make any demands of Jon or attach any terms or conditions to her alliance. To make it clear once again: Jon did not need to bend the knee to save the north.

I told you we needed allies. SANSA: You didn't tell me you were going to abandon your crown. I never wanted a crown. All I wanted was to protect the North. I brought two armies home with me, two dragons. This is more repetition of what he said in the Great Hall. We know it’s true that Jon has never particularly cared about being a king and that his only concern is defeating the dead. The issue stands: Jon didn’t need to give up his crown to ‘protect the North’, so once again this isn’t getting to the core of the issue, which is why did he bend the knee to Dany?

Do you think we can beat the Army of the Dead without her? I fought them, Sansa. Twice. You want to worry about who holds what title, I'm telling you it doesn't matter. Without her, we don't stand a chance. Do you have any faith in me at all? Here Jon attempts to explain his reasons for bending the knee as being purely for survival - Daenerys has dragons and armies and they need them, simple. But as I keep saying, we already know he didn’t have to bend the knee to get Daenerys’ armies and dragons.

She'll be a good queen. For all of us. She's not her father. This is the first time Jon explicitly speaks positively of Daenerys as a person outside of discussing how important her armies and dragons are. It’s the only snippet of dialogue that supports the idea that Jon really did bend the knee out of admiration and belief in Daenerys as a queen.

Daenerys is our queen. SAM: She shouldn't be. That's treason. There’s not much to say about this. It’s not exactly heartfelt, it’s Jon stating what he regards as fact. Daenerys is a queen and what Sam is saying is treason. These are hardly the words of a man in love who believes in her abilities to be a queen and desires for her to sit on the Throne (if there’s a throne left at the end of the war, that is).

So despite Jon bending the knee to Daenerys what we see in the new episode is still a lot of ambiguity as to how he really feels about her. Jon is still talking very informally and impersonally about a woman he is supposed to love. The nicest thing he can conjure up when defending her to Sansa is “She’ll be a good queen, she’s not her father”. It’s hardly a glowing statement that reflects Daenerys’ good qualities and all that she’s done as queen. Why not tell Sansa that she lost one of her dragons rescuing him and the others beyond the Wall? Why not tell her about the hundreds and thousands of slaves she freed including Missandei? Why not tell her that she allowed Jon to mine the dragon glass without any conditions attached? Jon has plenty that he could tell Sansa (and everyone, for that matter) to support Daenerys, help make her arrival in Winterfell smoother and attempt to win over the Northerners, but he doesn’t. Instead all we get are these vague diplomatic statements about needing allies to fight in the war. In the meantime, Jon stands idly by and watches as Dany has to endure hostilities from all directions and Sansa openly makes snarky comments towards Dany. He does nothing to defend or support Dany as his ally and lover. He doesn’t even attempt to tell his own sister to give her a chance and go easier on her. Even if Jon doesn’t want to get caught between his sister and lover, wouldn’t anybody else in his position ask their sister to kindly back off?

Jon’s less than supportive actions towards Daenerys support political!Jon but there are plenty of other open ended clues and hints that can be used to support it (and I’ve read many fantastically written metas about it over the months). The biggest possible clue in 8x01 is the rather strange use of the word faith, when Jon asks Sansa, “Do you have any faith in me at all?” The word trust would be more appropriate in this instance since the word faith implies blindly trusting someone without knowing their motives. The fact that Jon then doesn’t answer Sansa’s question about whether he bent the knee out of love or a desire to save the North further supports the fact that Jon’s reasons for bending the knee were not solely due to admiration or love for Daenerys.

Based on intuition alone I’m inclined to believe that political!Jon is real, but I still have reservations. This is mostly because Jon bent the knee and slept with Daenerys after he’d already gotten what he needed from her, but also because in the long term, Jon has nothing to gain from playing Daenerys this way. When Sam told him that he is the rightful king of the Seven Kingdoms Jon’s immediate reaction is to condemn it as treason. Yet if he really is manipulating Daenerys that is also treason. Would he be so concerned about committing treason against Daenerys if he’s already doing so? Furthermore, if Jon is using her and Daenerys does survive the Great War, how will Jon ever end this manipulation? How can he guarantee that he won’t get discovered before the war? It doesn’t make sense for him to take such a huge risk whereby Dany might find out he’s manipulating her and have him executed (along with his entire family, if she chooses) and not fight in the war, to get something that he already had from her anyway. And getting sex involved in a political alliance is actually messier and more complicated than if Jon had chosen to keep his relationship with Daenerys strictly political.

However, there is a flip side to this whereby political!Jon is still feasible. Despite Jon already having Dany’s allegiance before bending the knee, bending the knee still helped to secure the alliance. Daenerys may not have demanded anything from Jon at the exact moment she agreed to fight with him, but who’s to say she wouldn’t have demanded it later on? Or who’s to say she wouldn’t have changed her mind and concluded that it wasn’t worth risking thousands of her soldiers and potentially her remaining dragons fighting a war, to then not even have Jon’s support in taking the Seven Kingdoms if they were to survive? Maybe Jon realised that Dany wouldn’t have been happy to fight alongside him in exchange for nothing and so he bent the knee as a gift of sorts to seal the deal. Furthermore, cultivating a romantic relationship with her allows Jon to control her in a way that he wouldn’t be able to if he was only an ally. This way Jon is able to get closer to Dany in an intimate way and have a stronger hold over her. There’s a reason Tyrion has been shown numerous times to have a concerned expression on his face whenever he sees the romance between the pair - he’s concerned how it will impact Daenerys’ decision making. Tyrion already struggles to keep Dany in check, but if she’s in love who’s to say she won’t take Jon’s advice above his? We also know that Jon very much has tunnel vision - he doesn’t care about the fight for the Seven Kingdoms, he doesn’t care who sits on the Iron Throne, he doesn’t care about titles, he doesn’t even care about his own crown(!) - all he cares about is destroying the Night King and his army. As far as Jon is concerned, the Great War could be lost and with it mankind destroyed, but even if the war is won, the chances of him surviving are slim. Therefore, perhaps Jon is thinking that he’ll never have to deal with the aftermath of initiating a fake romantic relationship with Dany. If Jon is only thinking short-term, all he has to do is maintain the pretence of loving Dany for a little while longer until they go to war and after that one or both of them will be dead and it won’t matter. This would also explain why Jon is keeping his plans secret, because if he takes the secret to his grave no one else will be implemented and therefore cannot be punished.

But my indecisive brain can’t commit to this theory, since I have another issue with it in that I’ve had problems aligning it with Jon as a character, meaning the Jon Snow we’ve known from seasons 1-6. Jon is known for being a straight-talking, honest character that is immune to the political bullshit the rest of the characters get so twisted up about. He’s a character that follows his heart, is loyal and true, and although he has a history of lying and keeping secrets as others have pointed out, the situation with The Wildings is vastly different than his current situation. On the surface Jon doesn’t seem like the kind of man that would be capable of using sex as a weapon and manipulating someone into falling for him for political gains. This is a man that refused to sleep with someone because he was still in love with his dead girlfriend. Would he really sleep with someone with the intention of hurting them? Furthermore, even though I don’t think Jon is in love with Daenerys I do think he likes her, that he sees good in her and even holds affection for her, so he wouldn’t want to hurt her that way.

On the other hand, it’s easy to become fixated on the old Jon and forget that he endured one of the most life-changing traumas a person can ever experience - he died and was resurrected. To assume that Jon is the exact same person post-season 5 that he was pre-season 5 is, in my opinion, silly. I’m pretty sure that dying puts things into perspective a little and if there’s one thing Jon’s murder taught him, it’s that regardless of whether you thinking you’re doing the right thing, if people don’t agree with your decision, they won’t thank you for it. In fact, they may even killed you for it. Jon came back in season 6 with a stronger desire than ever before to end the Night King and his army. When he was made King in the North, he aligned his desire to kill the dead with his duty to the North as their king and has stated on multiple occasions that he will never give up on the North and that he will do anything to kill the Night King. For someone so adamant, so focused, so determined in this one goal, isn’t it possible he would go to extreme lengths to achieve that goal? Isn’t it possible he would act against his conscience and his morals and manipulate Daenerys if it’s for the greater good of the North and the world at large? In assuming that Jon wouldn’t manipulate Dany because he’s too moral and good completely undermines just how dedicated Jon is to stopping the Army of the Dead. He quite literally sailed south to Dragonstone knowing his family’s deathly history of doing the same, he went against the advice of every single person in his vicinity - his family, his friends, his advisers, his allies - to meet with a foreign invader, the Mad King’s daughter, who as he himself said in 7x05 could have easily executed him or had him burnt alive. He risked his life, his crown and the security of Winterfell just by going to Dragonstone, all for the purpose of the possibility of securing valuable resources and allies for the upcoming war. If he was willing to ignore the advice of everyone and ignore his own survival instincts to go to Dragonstone based on the slim chance Dany might give him what he wants, isn’t it also feasible that he would act against his conscience and woo Daenerys knowing it will guarantee him her full loyalty? It’s not completely unbelievable that Jon would do this, particularly when there’s been so much emphasis on Jon repeating Ned and Robb’s mistakes. Perhaps Jon realised somewhere along the way that attempting to gain Daenerys’ loyalty through his usual methods of honesty and honour wouldn’t be a sufficient enough guarantee. And lets not forget that the risk of not having Daenerys’ allegiance in Jon’s eyes will result in the loss of the Great War. Would Jon really take a chance on that? Would he place all of his faith in hoping that Daenerys - who is a stranger to Jon in season 7 - will blindly agree to fight with him, particularly when it means she will likely lose many soldiers and her dragons and possibly even the battle for the Throne?

It’s a stretch, I know, even I can see that, but the point is, it’s not impossible. Honestly, at this point I can’t decide either way whether I believe in political!Jon. My intuition tells me that something is not quite right with Jon (and hasn’t been since season 7), that his feelings for Daenerys are not all they seem and that they are not as genuine or strong as hers are for him. With Daenerys I can see, hear and feel the love pouring out of her in every scene she shares with Jon, but not so much with Jon. This could be down to other issue that I haven’t discussed yet which is poor writing and a lack of on-screen chemistry (between Kit and Emilia). Perhaps all of these “clues” that point to political!Jon aren’t really clues at all are are merely misconceptions by some viewers and fans due to the ambiguous nature of the writing and Kit and Emilia’s less than adequate romantic chemistry. Honestly, at this point I hope that Jon isn’t supposed to be in love with Daenerys because if he truly is supposed to be head over heels in love with her I’m embarrassed for Kit that this is the way he’s playing an in love Jon. He barely emotes around Emilia, even his “longing stares” are void of any kind of love or affection. In comparison to Emilia who is clearly portraying a character who is in love, Kit is completely stagnant. At all points throughout the development of the Jon/Daenerys romance it’s felt like there’s been an imbalance between the two characters, with Daenerys always being the focal point of the relationship and being clearly more infatuated with Jon than he is with her. In their scenes there always seems to be much more emphasis on Dany’s expressions, reactions and emotions. We saw a clear progression of Dany’s feelings developing for Jon in season 7 and in 8x01 we see that she’s clearly smitten with him. During the waterfall scene, the comparison between their reactions are striking. Daenerys is outwardly grinning from ear to ear throughout the scene, meanwhile Jon gives at best a barely-visible half smile. And I know that Jon is generally not a very expressive character, but compare that to his interactions with Ygritte and it becomes suspicious.

Ultimately, everything about Jon - his behaviour, his actions, his emotions, his words - don’t match up to what the narrative is telling me is happening. It’s telling me that Jon is in love with Daenerys and that he bent the knee because he’s committed to her and believes she will be a good queen. But I don’t see any conviction from Jon in supporting this (the only time I kind of saw it was the pit scene in 7x07). I see a man that is withdrawn, hesitant and indifferent, not a man that is in love and has absolute faith in his lover and ally to the point that he is willing to defend her against those that are unfair or harsh towards her.

Admittedly, it’s easy to conclude that myself and political!Jon theorists are reading too deeply into things that are actually insignificant and meaningless, but GOT is rife with subtext, hidden meanings and secret plots which reveal themselves at the optimal time (e.g. Littlefinger’s execution last season), so I find it hard to believe that one of the biggest plots from season 7 and 8 - Jon bending the knee and his romance with Daenerys - is going to play out exactly as it’s being presented to us. It becomes even more suspect when I take into consideration all these niggling questions and inconsistencies that just don’t seem to add up. My other theory is that everything is exactly as simple and obvious as it appears and that Jon is in love with Daenerys and bent the knee because of his feelings for her, but that season 8 will dismantle that as dark!Dany rises and Jon comes to see her for who she really is. Personally, 8x01 gave me a lot of vibes that this could happen, but that’s a separate topic that I may discuss another time (let me know if you’re interested in me sharing my thoughts on this).

For now, I’m reserving my judgement on political!Jon because I don’t feel strong enough confirm or deny it. But after watching 8x01 and reflecting on it, I can’t help but feel that there are a lot of question marks hovering over Jon right now and that everything he’s doing and saying when it comes to Dany feels half-assed and non-committal. The good thing is that whichever way it plays out, I’m happy with it, because I think either option makes sense. If political!Jon is confirmed, I can understand exactly how that fits within some of the ambiguities in Jon’s characterisation in season 7 and the glimpses we’ve seen from 8x01. Likewise, if political!Jon is denied, I can understand how that fits within the context of the unflinchingly honest and honourable Jon Snow, who is the embodiment Ned and Robb, and stays true to his honour and follows his heart regardless of where it may lead him.

If you read this to the end, thank you! I don’t know how you did it because this is just a jumble of confusion that fell out of my head and onto my laptop haha. Please feel free to share your thoughts and theories, I’d love to hear them, but please lets all try and be kind and respectful to one another, regardless of whether we have a difference in opinion.

#got meta #got spoilers #game of thrones #got s8 #anti-jonerys #political!jon #political jon #jon snow #got theories #got thoughts #mine #my meta #i think this is the first got meta i've ever written properly #i've been too scared of being crucified by the fandom in the past lol #but here it is

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snowthunder · 6 years

Text

Salty Kisses - A Klance Beach AU - CHAPTER 6 SNIPPET

Hello hello dearest readers! Liv (@thetolkiengeek) and I are alive, and we come bearing gifts! So here, take a 3.5k sneak-peak of Chapter 6 since it will be a little longer until the entire chapter is ready u_u

Enjoy and hopefully we’ll have the rest of the chapter to you soon!

~~~~~~

Lance was pacing.

He traced zig-zag patterns across his room, feet shuffling across carpet and hardwood as he bounced from his bed to his dresser to his turtle poster from Mote and back to the bed to start the pattern over again. At some point, fatigue began to settle into his shoulders, dragging them forward and curved, but the restless motion of his feet continued. And if only he could sleep then maybe he would feel better. Maybe his own words would stop playing on repeat in his head, clanging against his skull like the drip-drip-drip of a broken faucet.

But instead, he paced, tracing well-worn paths into his carpet.

Because I think I could fall in love with you.

Lance stopped mid-step and flopped backwards onto his bed with a groan, hands covering his face.

“Shit,” he mumbled into his palms for probably the hundredth time that night. Morning? Lance wasn’t sure. Some indeterminate time between when he had come home from the garage and when the birds would begin their morning choruses.

What he did know was that he couldn’t sleep, his throat was dry, and thoughts of a surly photographer with a smoking hot motorcycle wouldn’t leave him in peace.

Something about Keith had set the urge to move deeply within Lance, made him restless and unsatisfied in a way he hadn’t realized he was before. The desire for something more burned hot and bright in his chest, burned like fire in his veins, burned at his lips where he could still feel the softness of Keith’s cheek, the barest hint of his gentle, pouting mouth.

And so Lance found himself pacing once more.

At some point, in a distant part of his mind, Lance could discern that things were changing outside his window. Black became grey and the heavy silence of the night broke into something stirringly pre-dawn. It was not long after this that Lance’s door flew open, catching him halfway between his bed and his bookshelf.

Veronica stood in the doorframe, her figure backlit ominously by the hallway nightlight. One look at her face after she flicked on the light, however, and Lance’s younger sibling instincts kicked into overdrive, feeding his fight or flight with an influx of adrenaline.

“Vero?”

“My car. Twenty minutes.”

Lance was taken aback by the short, clipped order, surprised it hadn’t been the tongue lashing that he was half expecting.

“Twenty minutes? Wait...what time is it anyways?"

Veronica stared him dead in the eyes. “Five. Thirty.”

“No…” Lance lunged across the room for his phone, tapping the lock screen awake. “Shit. When did that happen?”

“Some time between three when you woke me up with your forlorn stomping and now.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. Car. Twenty minutes.”

To say that Lance was more than a little concerned was a gross understatement. Veronica’s was a silent but vicious kind of anger, slow to build but deadly to those caught on the wrong end of it. He hardly ever saw her with such a thunderous look on her face. Being woken up by Lance’s pacing couldn’t be the only source of her ire. Clearly he was in deep shit, but for what he couldn’t say.

Twenty minutes later, Lance was in the driveway standing beside Vero’s dark green Ford Focus, a soft pair of joggers on and sneakers tied tight. You know, just in case.

He had skipped his usual skincare routine in the interest of time (and his life), and he could already feel the brutal humidity attacking his pores.

Veronica stepped out of the house, keys jingling in her hand as she pressed the unlock button.

“You know,” Lance said, “if you’re gonna kill me you should at least let Mamá know. She’d probably like the heads up.”

Veronica rolled her eyes. “I’m not gonna kill you. Gentle maiming though, that’s not off the table.”

Lance popped open the passenger door and slid into the seat. “Well, that’s comforting.”

Veronica backed out of the driveway and headed into town, turning the radio halfway up to play quietly in the background. Lance was content to sit in silence and watch the morning grow outside the car windows. He wasn’t quite ready to approach whatever catastrophe he had apparently caused to work his eldest sister up this much, and if she wasn’t bringing it up then neither was he.

They cruised around Arus, the sky slowly transforming from grey to pink to blue. The roads were relatively empty, typical of an early Sunday morning, yet the drive-thru at Starbucks somehow still managed to boast a healthy line.

Once they made it to the window, Veronica handed Lance an overly tall, clear plastic cup, a spiral of whipped cream sticking out of the top.

Lance raised an eyebrow as she pulled out of the parking lot. “A venti, huh? I thought you were mad at me.”

“It’s a venti kind of conversation.”

Lance frowned at his drink. “I’m not sure I want this now.”

“Oh no,” Veronica said, speeding down the empty street. “You’re not getting out of this. You woke me up, you can pay the consequences. This is happening.”

Lance groaned and threw his head back against the seat.

Veronica flicked him in the knee. “Oh relax, it’s not all bad. Besides,” her voice grew softer as they drove off the mainland, the water glistening a bright jewel green beneath the bridge, “I have something I want to tell you, too.”

“And it required a kidnapping?”

“Well, clearly you also have something on your mind. I just thought you’d want to talk about it.”

“Me? Nope. Nothing to say here. All hunky dory peachy keen.”

“Fine, I’ll go first,” Veronica said. “I have a girlfriend.”

“What?!”

Veronica pulled into an empty gravel lot and cut the engine. “Come on,” she sighed, opening the door. “Walk with me a little.”

Lance scrambled out of the car after her, barely remembering to grab his sweating plastic cup. “Woah woah woah, wait a second! You can’t just drop something like that and walk away!”

“Then catch up!”

Lance ran after his sister, following her down a sun-bleached sidewalk towards where it led to a boardwalk entrance. He ducked underneath the overhanging mangrove branches, his drink feeling colder in his hand beneath the shade. Veronica led them through a winding path, until they reached a dead-end where a strip of sun-bleached, salt-encrusted walkway stuck out into the water.

Veronica leaned her arms across the railing, swirling the remnants of the frozen drink with her straw. Lance mirrored her stance, but regarded her cautiously out of the corner of his eye. Despite her casual tone, Lance could sense an underlying nervousness, some kind of tension she was keeping close to her chest.

Lance looked out around them, taking in the still water barely lapping at the boardwalk’s piers, the boat-free bay stretching before them, the tangle of mangroves spread out behind them. It wasn’t exactly the kind of place he would have expected his sister to bring him.

“So, why here?”

Veronica shrugged. “I found this spot a while back--when everything between mamá and Dad was going down--and I’ve just kept coming back.” She smiled. “It actually reminds me of you a bit.”

“Oh? Because I’m so calm and beautiful?”

“Mmmmm no, more because you’re a gnarled tangle of tree roots and brackish water.”

“You’re brackish water,” Lance muttered, pouting into the distance.

Veronica snickered and Lance couldn’t help but smile a little. He had never been the type of person to pick a favorite sibling, but neither could he deny that he and Veronica had always had a special relationship. Out of his four brothers and sisters, Veronica had always been the one who understood Lance best, and vice versa. Maybe, Lance mused, that was more true than he had previously thought.

“So…” Lance said, tapping at the cheap plastic in his hands. “A girlfriend, huh?”

Veronica nodded, catching Lance’s eyes, and he recognized a familiar sparkle, that trademark Sanchez grin.

“Yeah,” she sighed. “We met at a talk series for women in STEM early last semester, and we got to talking, and I asked her out. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew it was serious, but…”

“But it’s serious now?”

“Like, tell Dad serious,” she said.

Lance fell silent, listening to the gentle lapping of waves against the boardwalk.

“You wanna tell Dad?” Lance asked quietly.

“I need him to know,” Veronica said. “I don’t want to hide this part of my life. I...I’m in love with her.”

For a moment, Lance could only stare at his sister, completely and utterly floored by the unwavering determination he saw shining in her eyes. Though they were the most similar out of all their siblings, there was a steely core to Veronica that Lance had always envied. She knew what she wanted and how to get it--and apparently that applied to people too.

He only wished he had that kind of conviction.

“I’m happy for you, Vero,” Lance said finally.

“I’m sensing a ‘but’?”

Lance set his drink aside, folding his fingers together. “No, no 'but', I really am happy for you. I just--” Lance took a breath. “I know you and Dad have always been close. I don’t want what happened to me to happen to you.”

“That’s exactly why I want to tell him.”

Lance’s head snapped up to his sister's, but she was looking out towards the bay, cloud of chin-length hair framing her face like a curtain.

“Lance...what Dad did to you...it was wrong.” Veronica looked down at her hands, fiddling with a plain silver band that rested on her index finger. “I remember the whole thing, you know. I remember watching your hands shake when you told him, the look on your face. You looked so scared, but...I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone as brave as you were at that moment. I may not have said it at the time, but I was--I am really proud of you.”

Lance blinked hard against the swell of emotion coursing through him, but even so he could still feel as a single tear escaped, tracing a burning track down his cheek.

“It wasn’t until I found myself suddenly in your shoes that I realized just how brave it was,” Veronica continued. “Because, honestly, I am terrified of telling him.”

Lance cleared his throat against the lump he could feel forming in it. “So, why are you?”

“Truthfully?” Veronica said, gently bumping his shoulder. “I’m doing it for you. And me, of course, but I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he realizes how badly he’s fucked up.”

Lance’s eyes slid over to see his sister giving him a wry smile. Despite that, a familiar sense of guilt welled up in him, and he reached out and placed a hand on Veronica’s shoulder. “Vero, you don’t have to do this.”

Her grin widened, but somehow it became something softer, gentler. “But I want to. I think you’ve suffered alone in this long enough. Don’t you?”

Lance could feel his sister searching for something in his eyes, but he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted her to find it. “It’s been okay,” he said, dropping his hand and shifting his gaze. “I’m mostly over it by now. I mean, it has been six years.”

“No offense, but I call bullshit. I know Dad’s been calling. Mamá told me.”

“Mierda.”

For a moment, Lance thought that Veronica was going to dig deeper, but the smirk she gave him instead sent his stomach swooping. “She also told me about some hot piece of action that came in on a Ducati?”

Heat flooded his cheeks, and Lance prayed that he didn’t look as red as he felt. “Ducati hottie? Can’t say that I remember.”

“Oh, so you’re telling me that there isn’t some dark-haired, goth-lite beauty named Keith that you severely undercharged specialized parts for?”

“No?”

“And also kissed goodnight?”

“Oh my god, it was just on the cheek, that doesn’t even cou--shit.”

Veronica’s grin was practically predatory.

“I knew she was spying,” Lance muttered. He shook his head as he turned back out towards the bay. “It’s...not that big of a deal.”

Veronica ducked into his line of sight, raising an eyebrow. “But do you like him?”

“I--”

“And no nonsense, Lance,” Veronica raised an imperious finger. “I was honest with you, so you can be honest with me. Do you like this guy?”

“I knew I shouldn’t have taken your evil venti bribe,” Lance pouted. But she had a point--he couldn’t break the sibling code like that.

Lance drew in a breath of the salt-tinged air, letting it out in one long sigh. “Yeah,” he said finally, voice barely more than a whisper. “I like him.”

Veronica nudged his shoulder. “So then what’s the problem? Does he not like you back? Do I need to kick his ass?”

Lance rolled his eyes. “No, Ronnie, you do not have to kick his ass.”

“Damn,” Veronica said. “My girlfriend’s been teaching me Brazilian jiu-jitsu, and I wanted to try it out.”

“Of course you do. But the answer’s still no. I don’t think liking me back is the problem.”

“Oh?”

“I mean, judging by the fact that I told him I wanted to kiss him and he didn’t immediately throw sand in my face…”

“Sand? Last I checked, Mamá’s garage isn’t on the beach.”

“Well,” Lance said, scratching the back of his neck. “I might’ve said it twice? On two separate occasions?”

Veronica dropped her head into her hands. “Oh, hell, you’re even more of a mess than I thought.” She turned to lean against the railing, gesturing for Lance to do the same. “We’re gonna be here for a while, so spill.”

Lance sighed but followed suit, settling in against the weather-worn wood next to his sister before he started speaking. He told her about Keith arriving, their first few days of tense interacting and, before he knew it, the entirety of the last three weeks just flew out of him, a torrent of words he didn’t even know he had. He talked about Keith and Shiro’s visit to Mote, Keith hanging out with him at the daycare, the bonfire, the calls from their dad, even the bags he had seen strapped to the back of Keith’s motorcycle. He didn’t leave a single detail out--not Keith’s photography, not the four shots of tequila, not even those damn piercings that glinted so nicely in the sun everytime Keith put his hair up.

By the time Lance had finished, he and Veronica had given up on standing entirely, opting instead to simply sit on the boardwalk, backs to the railing, legs sprawled out before them. Veronica had one knee propped up, an elbow resting atop it as she drummed her fingers against her cheek.

“So, what I’m hearing is, this boy is head over heels for you and decided to stay?”

“What? No no no,” Lance said. “Weren’t you listening? Even Shiro says he doesn’t stay in one place for long, and he had his bags packed.” Lance frowned, tracing a knot in the wood beneath his fingers. “If anything, this is already borrowed time.”

Veronica threw her head back against the railing. “Leandro Riel Sanchez, so help me, I am going to throw you off this pier.”

“What?! What for?”

“Because, dummy,” she pivoted her head, pinning him down with a stare, “you finally find someone you seem to like--and I mean really like, not just like in passing because it’s what you think everyone expects of you--and you’re running away.”

Lance drew his knees up to his chest. “I’m not running away. If anything, Keith’s the one running.”

“You sure about that?”

Lance tucked his chin into his arms, grumbling unintelligibly. “It’s not like I’m going anywhere.”

Veronica sighed. “I know you said you’re pretty much over the Dad thing, but did you ever stop to really think about it? To understand how it might still be affecting you?”

“I thought you were getting a degree in software engineering, not psychology.”

“I don’t have to be a psychologist to see that you’re still torn up about this. When’s the last time you went out with a boy? Hell, when’s the last time you went out with someone who wasn’t some ditzy resort gringa?”

Lance opened his mouth, but Veronica held up a hand.

“And I don’t mean random party hookups. When’s the last time that you let yourself know someone? Like really know them?”

Lance’s jaw clicked shut, and he dropped his gaze.

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I swear. I’m just trying to understand.”

“I guess…” Lance paused, took a deep breath before trying again. “I guess since before the fight with Dad--with James.”

Veronica’s voice was gentle when she asked, “And why do you think that is?”

“I--I don’t know. Lots of reasons? I just...Look, I know what you’re trying to do but Keith’s leaving at some point, and I’m probably going to stay here, like always, and--and I can’t stop thinking about what happens when he gets bored of me, or when he leaves, or--” Lance took a shaky breath. “I’m so scared of knowing him, because that means...that means he knows me, and I don’t want to be found wanting. Not again.”

Tears were falling in earnest now, and he pressed his hands to his eyes, trying to stem the tide.

“Lance,” Veronica said, grabbing his wrists and pulling on them gently. “Lance, look at me.”

Lance gazed up at his sister, the details of her face clouded by the tears still spilling over.

“This isn’t like with Dad,” she said fiercely. “You can’t live your whole life expecting everything and everyone to leave. And most of all, you’re not lacking in anything, do you hear me? You can have these things, Lance. You could have him. You just have to let yourself.”

Veronica released one of his wrists to wipe at his cheek. “Dad doesn’t own you. In fact, he doesn’t even deserve you. You are so much more than whatever that cabrón thinks of you. You deserve to be happy.”

Lance shook his head and pulled away.

“Fine,” Veronica said, her voice hardening. “Don’t believe me? Let me put it another way. Just because you don’t let yourself love anyone doesn’t mean Dad’s suddenly going to be back in your life.”

Lance felt like she just stuck a red-hot poker through his ribs, but Veronica kept going.

“You’ve got so much heart, Lance, so much to give. Why are you trying to hide the best part of yourself?” Veronica sighed, pulling her glasses off of her nose, wiping at the glass with the corner of her shirt. “Look, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, or even to start something with this Keith guy--not unless you really want to. But you can’t keep tiptoeing around this town for the rest of your life. When are you finally going to let yourself go after what you want?”

Lance let out the breath he hadn’t known he was holding in, body shaking with the sudden release of tension. He let his head loll back against the wooden rail behind him, eyes cast upwards to expansive blue sky.

“I guess--I guess I don’t know what I want.”

Veronica huffed out a laugh. “Judging by the look on your face earlier, I find that hard to believe.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, please. You looked like you were about to melt the entire time you were talking about the guy. It was disgusting. It’s the same look you get when you talk about that weird turtle of yours.”

Lance shot his sister an unimpressed look. “First of all, Edgar is a delight and you know it. Second of all, are you trying to comfort me or insult me?”

“Both, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

Veronica pushed off from the now warm boardwalk and brushed off her hands. “I’m serious, though. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you talk about a person that way.”

She offered her hand to Lance, who took it, pulling himself up.

“Is that a good thing?” Lance asked.

“I think it could be. You deserve something real, Lance.”

Lance sighed and picked up his long empty cup. “So what do you think I should do?”

“I don’t know, I’m not you. But I think doing whatever makes you happy is a good start.”

Lance gave Veronica a small smile. “Thanks, Vero.”

“I’d say anytime, but honestly? That was exhausting. Don’t make me do that again for like...three years. At least.”

Lance’s smile grew. “You got it, ‘manita. Now, can we go home? I really need a nap. And maybe some aloe, because someone dragged me out of the house before I could put on sunscreen.”

Veronica flicked him in the forehead before heading back down the walkway and towards the parking lot. “May I remind you? Five. Fucking. Thirty.”

“That’s not even that bad,” Lance grumbled, rubbing at his skin.

“No, you’re right. Three would’ve been much worse. Oh wait!”

Lance rolled his eyes, but the smile on his face felt more effortless this time. “Here, we go…”

#vld: salty kisses #klance #klance fic #my fic #vld fanfic #klance fanfic #vld #lance mcclain #keith kogane #vld lance #vld keith #vld fic

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go-our-own-ways · 6 years

Text

Gundam NT - Experience and Initial Thoughts

Hello tumblr...it’s only been 94857589746575 years, eh?

Well. So it finally happened. Gundam NT finally got an official run in America, and I finally got to see it. I’ve finally seen the dang mecha movie that I’ve been dying to see since last November.

Finally!!!

But, not without some dramatic mishaps at first (lol).

I was lucky enough to have my local theater showing the movie, but it took them 20 minutes to get the movie running (it was just a dead screen up until then)...only for us to realize it was for Bohemian Rhapsody, and not, in fact, for Gundam NT. Some jokes were made from the other movie-goers (”Gee, Macross sure looks funny!” “Hey Hawthorn you okay there?”) but soon the chatter turned into serious consternation and concern. Eventually, theater staff told us the movie couldn’t be shown because the projector didn’t have it, so we all filed out of the theater to head to Guest Services. While we waited in line to get vouchers (in lieu of a refund), we were also told that staff was working to fix the issue, so we were welcome to go back to the theater to wait it out.

And boy am I glad I decided to go back up, because soon enough, they had it up and running. THANK GOD.

Unfortunately, they skipped over most of the bonus footage featuring the interview and introduction from the producer and director in the interest of time... I’m actually really sad and salty about that, but it’s better than not seeing the movie at all, at least.

And so, after like 30-40 (or maybe more?!) minutes delay...we finally began the movie proper. LMAO.

Before diving into things, a bit of a head’s up:

Frankly, I’m new to Gundam, and I’m by no means well-versed in Gundam lore. Additionally, I’m also not someone who is usually nitpicky about details in animation or story-telling. So, my POV is basically of a casual bystander who happened to check out the franchise, and decided to stick around because it seems fun and interesting. If you’re someone who is more or less opposite to me...then this “review” of sorts is definitely not for you.

Actual movie thoughts under the cut! Not spoiler free!!!

I’m not gonna lie...honestly my memory of the movie is really cluttered and foggy. However, despite this, I still very much enjoyed watching the movie!

So...pacing. I’m no expert, but I seriously feel like this movie could have benefited from getting like maybe 2 hours of screen time rather than an hour and thirty minutes. It felt like the production team was trying to cram SO MUCH into TOO LITTLE time that the whole movie felt really fast. Despite this, the tension build-up was definitely there, especially as we got closer and closer to the end. About halfway into the movie I began to clutch my coat and scarf (it was quite chilly out today) really tightly just out of the continued anticipation of what will happen next...needless to say, my hands are now very sore, lol.

I do wish the plot wasn’t revealed in such a non-linear way. Of course, flashbacks and the like are sure to be used in storytelling, but much of NT’s story-telling felt more like oddly-placed snippets that went back in time, rather than a series of flashbacks. For the most part, I’d say each of the trips back into the past were important and revealed important information...but it made the movie feel cluttered and kind of all over the place. And honestly, the non-linear way NT’s narrative was told made it difficult to keep up with what was going on and how everything tied into it all until the very, very end. That’s probably my one gripe about this movie, I think.

Now, despite the pacing and the scrambled nature of the plotline, NT was still a lot of fun for me to watch, and I think I can credit the fight scenes, the characters, and the acting for that. The fight scenes were thrilling to see on a BIG ASS SCREEN, for one. And then just generally anxiously waiting at the edge of my seat to see how the battle would pan out is of course always a thrilling part of (my so far very short) Gundam experience. Animation-wise I really don’t know if I can say anything, since I didn’t notice anything especially jarring or bad. But, I’m also terrible at noticing small details when it comes to animation, so it could have also missed it.

The characters were a pleasure to watch, in my opinion. Rita honestly seemed like a cooky mystic Newytpe for most of the movie, and it really grated on my nerves. I kept thinking, “Surely there’s more to her than wondering about heaven and wanting to be reincarnated as a bird.” But the very end of the movie finally revealed the more human side of her, and that definitely made me feel better about her as a character. I do wish they could have shown more of Rita’s human-ness, but I suppose in the interest of time, they couldn’t.

Michelle seemed really cool, up until she started to look like a nasty manipulative player with huge stakes on the line. But as more and more of her story unfolded, I began to see the layers of the onion, so to speak. I was glad that she wasn’t just a vengeful person greedy for power, and at the same time I was also glad she wasn’t just another corner in a love triangle. Her humanity was evident, but I wished that we could have seen more of it through showing rather than telling. Ultimately, it was Brick who made the final reveal on Michelle’s true character in his last message to Jona, and I just wish that we could’ve seen more of it through Michelle’s own actions instead. We did get glimpses of it, of course, and I suppose maybe choosing to not show it much was to reflect that side of Michelle’s character--someone who guards her personal emotions closely and puts on a show, a facade for the public to see. But even then, I still wish we could’ve had more glimpses into Michelle’s humanity through her own actions.

Jona, Jona, Jona... Where do I even begin. Ultimately, I resonated with his humanity the most, I think. Seeing how much he still thought about those years with the lab even after all this time, how angry he was with Michelle, how distraught he was over Rita being taken away...it all felt very raw and very human. I guess it was just all very relatable, seeing how emotional Jona could be. I’m a pretty emotional person myself in the sense that I feel emotions very intensely, and it seemed like Jona’s personality was like that, too.

He says a line towards the end of the movie where he’s wondering out loud what is the point of continuing to live. He pretty much wonders, after the only people you cared about have left, after you’ve witnessed such horrendous things, after you’ve had to LIVE through such awful events...what even is the point anymore? I really felt for him in that moment. It made me remember how much I’ve wanted to give up before when everything seemed to be terrible and miserable in life. When nothing seems to go well, what point is there to continue going on, right?

Then there’s the returning characters from Unicorn. I was happy to see all the characters who returned, of course, but MAN...I was SO happy to see Banagher finally, at the very end of the movie. And the words of encouragement he says to Jona...the classic “Even so...” MAN. MAN OH MAN did I cry...! Like I mentioned before, I was already really resonating with Jona in like the prior scene, so the emotion from seeing Banagher again combined with the emotions from HEARING those words of hope...that really did a number on my heart, and in a good way.

The dub cast did a fantastic job, I thought. Normally, I feel like I’m suffering every time I have to watch a dub, but the cast made it work for this movie. I think the only bone I have to pick would be Rita’s dub actress, and that may just be personal preference. I figure the actress was told to sound kind of mystic and airy (since that’s basically Rita’s personality for about 99% of the movie, so that’s a fair direction to take with the acting), but it sounded a smidge too...fake? plastic? for me to really buy into. But again, this is probably just me being picky, lol. I LOVED the acting for the other 3 main characters though (Jona, Michelle, and Zoltan). I have to commend Jona’s dub actor (Griffin Puatu) because he really pulled off a similar tone and feel to Enoki Junya’s acting, I thought. (At least, based on the long preview; I’ve yet to watch the first 23 minutes of the JP version of the movie.) I have other thoughts for the other actors but I think I’ll leave them for another day... Also, I’m merely a fan when it comes to voice acting, so these are purely just the feelings and thoughts the performances gave me as a viewer, and nothing more.

So, after having seen Unicorn AND Narrative, I really get the sense that the story of Newtypes, and I guess Gundam on the whole, is about humanity. At its very core, Gundam is seeking to tell a story about the differences that could tear us apart, but also the humanity that holds us together. It feels like watching a story that tries to remind us that at the end of the day, no matter our differences, we’re all human, and we ought to remember that if we ever hope to survive as a species.

Furthermore, I really feel like Gundam is trying to show the importance of both communication and emotion. Both UC and NT showed how Newtypes can communicate on a higher level, but that communication typically ultimately conveyed the person’s feelings and will. Sure, we got thoughts and important backstory too, but I think the main thing we tend to get from their communications is emotion--what is that person feeling, and how is that emotion then translating into the actions they’re taking. Not only that, but we also then see the subsequent actions taken in response to being revealed someone’s deepest, innermost feelings. Of course, there were times when the person was mercilessly murdered, be it by accident/misunderstanding or out of “necessity,” but there were also moments where the action taken ended up being to withdraw an attack, or to let go of the captured person.

Maybe this is just me going off on a limb, but I think that’s a really important message to take in. Communication is important, but what’s even more important is communicating our emotions to others, and respecting others’ emotions in turn. That’s probably the big message I take away from seeing the Newtypes’ stories in Unicorn and Narrative.

Well, needless to say, I’m now very curious to see how the UC plotline continues on. We’re already slated for another movie this upcoming winter, so I guess I’ll have to wait until then. In the meantime...I suppose I’ll finally get around to finishing Origin (lol). Even if the next movie doesn’t show much of the previous characters, or even if the JP voice cast doesn’t feature anyone I know, I think I know too much of the plot now to be able to abandon the series.

All in all, NT was a fun movie to watch. I definitely don’t recommend watching it if you haven’t watched Unicorn yet, but once you get through Unicorn, NT is a nice way to wrap up the story from that point of the UC timeline.

Now to eagerly await the BD release for those sweet, sweet bonus materials! :3c

#this ended up way longer than I originally intended oops #oh well!!! LOL #gundam NT

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delicrieux · 7 years

Text

amortentia [young!tom riddle x reader] pt.4

premise: two students start developing feelings for one another despite having too many secrets to count. tws for this chapter: implied childhood trauma word count: 2.6k

amortentia masterpost | masterlist | music

4. a lesson in language

The trip is long and tedious, with dark grey skies and no sunshine. Puddles lay waste on the road, small rocks sticking to your black robe, its edges already patched with mud. The rest of the students fare no better: the girls yelp and giggle and lift their coats and skirts higher; the boys run and laugh heartily once someone slips and tumbles into the dirt. The two teachers that accompany this crowd have barely enough time to discipline everyone, whether for indecency or otherwise.

“En sa beauté gît ma mort et ma vie.”

You and Tom walk together, a bit further back, watching the excited horde of students as they seem in an unruly rush to Hogsmede. You pull your scarf closer, letting the wool scratch your face and tickle your neck. Some girls glance back at the two of you, narrow their eyes and look away again; the two of you stand at a distance, enough for all to understand that you are merely two friends enjoying a conversation about the weather.

Tom’s focus on you varies – at times he watches closely, mapping your face, the cupid’s bow of your lips and the wink of your lashes…At other’s, he is completely immersed in Ruth’s flaring skirt or the teacher’s nagging voice.

“Beautiful.” He murmurs, and you almost fail to hear him over the wind. Tilting your head to the side, you trace his pale face with striking precision; perhaps he notices, since the corner of his lips curls into a knowing smile, “What does it mean?” A spur of pride ignites in your chest and you take your next step with a light jump, fighting the grin that is about to pull on your lips. You look away from him, pretending to think, letting the silence stretch, leaving a pinch of mystery.

“Maurice Scève, a famous French poet, once wrote so about his mistress…” You begin, dreamy, song-like, “And it is also considered to be one of the most romantic sayings in the world.” At this your gaze locks on his. A breath catches in the back of your throat as your heart makes a sudden leap you are almost all too familiar with by now. He seems to share this delicate wonder you are spoiling him with, and he strays closer, as if your next words would be a spell to open Pandora itself.

A whistle blows. Your shoulders jerk and you glance away. Tom smiles and steps back. Ruth is yelled at again. Two kids bump your shoulder lightly as they rush forward.

“…I simply like the way it is pronounced…” You continue with a mumble, “En sa beauté gît ma mort et ma vie. In her beauty rests both my death and my life.” You smile shyly, “See, it is the ma mort…My death, and ma vie…My life. Such profound devotion…I could never imagine anyone saying so to me.” You add quietly to yourself. Lost somewhere in a daydream, you do not notice the strange look he sends your way.

“Are you well versed in French?” He inquires.

You are quiet for a moment, “I suppose so, yes. My mother… made me learn it when I was younger.”

“What else did she make you learn?”

“Nothing of real interest.” You say, “I was an avid reader, though. She insists it was because she used to read me La Belle et la Bête.” Your lips twitch at the memory, neither blissful nor awful, “It was my absolute favourite…Do you know of it?”

“I’m afraid I do not.”

“Well, it is a fairy-tale. About a girl trapped in a castle by a terrible beast. Each night he comes to her and asks for her hand in marriage…And each night she dimissess him. He was a horrendous monster, see, a frightful thing. She had thought that his soul was as terrifying as his visage.” You say, “One day, though, she realises how deceiving appearances can be. She falls in love with his kindness and thoughtfulness instead of his looks,” You glance at Tom, “And she finally says yes…” You trail off, “Then he turns into a prince. Mother said it was based on a true story, and I cannot help but wonder if that was the case.”

“Sounds like the opposite of Dorian Gray.” He grins.

You laugh a little, though it comes out a bit raspy, “Yes, I suppose it is, is it not? It is a bit silly, though, how muggles reinvent magic. They really do believe it is limitless.”

“It sort of is, isn’t it?”

“Come now, Tom, there is no such magical object in the world that would grant eternal life. If there was, I am certain most wizards and witches would use it.” You finish with a teasing smile. He chuckles.

“Well, to be fair, Wilde was a muggle. It was most likely a metaphor for youth...Did you read it in English?”

“French.”

“Do you read everything in French?”

“Of course.” He narrows his eyes at you, though subtly, you barely notice the change, “It is in my family, you see. I was supposed to attend Beauxbatons.”

“Why didn’t you?”

You turn away. Your fingertips numb from the cold and you curse the leather gloves that you wear. You hook your hands together and bring them to your lips; he watches in silence and wonders what exactly are you thinking. Nothing of real interest, is what you chant in your mind. It is unnerving. You feel as if he can see right through you: past the layers of fabric, past the skin, past the tender flesh and to the very core of your being. As if, if he were to draw closer, he would be able to read every tale of your life weaved into muscle, every snippet of your childhood you keep secret exposed by the drum of your heart.

You smile graciously, like any proper lady should, to deter his inspection. Something dark and icky pools in your stomach, an overbearing sense that he knows. It weighs you down and your shoulders slump lightly. The expression you wear is plastic, but you doubt he can tell. No one has been able, so far.

“It does not matter, really.” You reply, upbeat. “But now, I am afraid you will have to tell me a bit more about yourself, seeing as you have questioned me so relentlessly.” He snorts at your words, and your eyes crinkle from your smile, “So, pray tell, Tom. Do you speak a different tongue?”

He thinks; his eyes shift to the front again into the upcoming contours of the small village. A drop of rain kisses your cheek, and soon enough more dot the surface of your face. You glance down, see the ripples in muddy puddles and avoid a few by carefully stepping to the right and brushing your shoulder to his. You murmur an apology and before shying away. A second whistle pierces the air and it seems to catch Tom off-guard. He blinks owlishly, finally returning his attention back to you.

He leans closer, “Promise not to tell?”

“Mister Riddle and Miss (Lastname)! Do hurry up! And, respectful distance, mind you!”

You are to obey the order, but something about the way he looks at you makes you freeze and ignore it; he either does not care or did not hear it. Your throat itches from a sudden dry-spell and you gulp. A wave of curiosity soaks you to the very bone. You see small versions of familiar doe eyes reflect in his iris. Is it a secret? You wonder, For such a look it must be…

The rain hits harder.

“I promise.”

...

You must take shelter when the scenery becomes a blur: the houses distort and even the teacher’s whistle falls flat and quiet in comparison to the barbaric drum of rain. Cold water leaks down your lashes and your hair sticks to your skin. You shut your eyes as they start to sting and shudder. A warm touch on your leather glove tugs you along, and blinded your quickly follow in mismatched steps.

A bell chirps as you are pushed into somewhere warm and dry. The door creaks shut behind you and the space echoes with sharp noises: clanking, cracking, a few barks.

Pet shop?

You open your eyes and the grip on your hand eases. Tom runs his fingers through his hair and moves forward to the empty counter. You briefly glance back through the small window of the door—the world is indistinguishable, a miss-match of heaven and earth, leaving you and he completely isolated. The thought is not entirely unpleasant.

You take off your gloves and shove them into your pockets. The two of you are drenched from the tops of your heads to the soles of your feet; he leaves a trail of water as he paces and seems amused by the fact, and you, rooted in spot, count the drops plashing from your robe onto the wooden floorboards. They creak under you, and skittishly step onto the carpet in fear that they suddenly will not hold up your weight.

Fire dances in the stone fireplace, glimmering like a small dragon, its light reflecting in glass trinkets. An unusual place to take shelter in: you would assume one would run straight to The Three Broomsticks and have a drink of Butterbeer to warm up. Shivering, you move closer to the fireplace like a moth drawn to light.

You jerk once some creature swinging its legs above your head knocks on the ceiling. Letting your hands heat you peek at the various animals lurking in cages—some are proudly displayed by the windows, some are tucked away in the shadows. Perhaps they fear daylight, or perhaps they are too dangerous to see.

Tom searches for the owner, and once he is sure no one is near, he turns to you and you smile as you notice water dripping from the tip of his nose.

“I suppose leaving our wands at Hogwarts was foolish.” He says, a grin pulling on the corners of his lips. You laugh, though it is quickly interrupted by a cough.

“Definitely.” You agree hoarsely, inching closer to the fire.

“Sorry if I made you sick again.” He adds, drawing near, crouching next to you, “You can tell the Head Nurse I’m to blame.”

“As if that would appease her…” You murmur with a small smile, “But worry not, I can manage a cold on my own. A bit of tea and I will be good as new.”

“Still, if there’s anything I can do…” He extends his hand to you in a wordless invitation. You stare at it for a moment, struck by wonder at the implication. Your palm aligns with his in a holy palmer’s kiss, and his fingers weave through yours, “Do let me know.”

“Certainly.” You utter as he comes to stand, once again pulling you along with him.

“I really wish you’d refer to me in a friendlier manner.” He comments with a smile, “I almost feel like I’m conversing with a professor all the time.”

“Apologies if I caused you—”

“You caused nothing.” He says, “Only delight. Come away, now. I want to show you something.” He moves further back and you follow, and you think you would follow him to the depths of the earth or through Dante’s inferno if he spared you one of those lovely smiles again; if he only spoke in tender words that concealed something so devout behind them.

“Much like you,” He starts, “I could speak it since I was little...Only I had no teacher.” He stops next to a glass cage with a small serpent inside—its scales shimmer in the firelight and dot with mellow colours of rain. The amber surface is slick; small beady eyes watch your approach cautiously. A hostile hiss with a flash of shiny, long fangs makes you halt. Though it loses interest in you all too quickly, ticking it’s head to Tom. It’s fearsome maw closes. It appears curious, attentive almost. You glance between them, not sure what to make of this sudden change in tact. Perhaps it is just a trick of the light.

Tom crouches to it and you follow suit, minding your distance between the two, the former you fear will feel your tremble, even through linked hands, and the latter you fear will strike you. He eyes the snake before turning to you, almost expectantly, as if to ask for permission. Unsure, you give a simple nod.

It is strange. Unnerving, perhaps. Unlike most languages—barebones, nothing but graphological markers and sounds stringed into lexis—this one has a feeling, an odd one at that. Shrill and ululating, it pierces your ears and makes your hairs stand on end. It is divinely uncomfortable, danger marked by tone. If it was not for Tom, holding your hand so gently, and speaking in such a refined, fluent manner, you would feel unsafe, scared even. But you are not.

Odd. You feel odd, stranded at a crossroads, uncertain of how to react. Your mind skews with flashing images of warnings and omens and prophecies and a history of ill reputation. All of it molds like wax into a figure your hand is held hostage by, and a part of you wishes to pull away and rush into the drowned world behind the door, safely hidden from him. Another wishes to stay and finds little harm in the fact.

Are you surprised? Certainly, you had not expected him to speak in Parseltongue. Russian, perhaps, Arabic even, but not the language of snakes that holds such high regard at your House, such deific esteem among your peers. Yet all of them are none the wiser. If Salazar Slytherin himself was to hear Tom’s words, he would rejoice, and the whole House would follow suit. A celebration of dionysian scale would take place the very same evening.

So why is it, that grand as this secret is, it remains one? And why, out of all of his friends, his peers, his professor, he shares it with you?

You feel on the verge of unravelling something, finding some hidden meaning behind his actions, yet that would implore you to assume his feelings and you dare not stray into forbidden territory. You were not brought up to assume, nor to flail in fear or overtly revel in a discovery. You do not wish to do those things, either.

He stops, all this time he was watching you closely for any shift in your clear expression but you look no different than just hearing someone read off a verse in French. Your focus falls from him to the amber snake, a soft gasp escaping your lips as you lean forward—it spins, going in circles, trying to devour its own tail. Ouroboros. If eternity is his secret, then you will guard it with your heart. It is a wonderfully terrible sight.

The room goes into vertigo when you stare at it for too long, your mind trying to keep up with your eyes, ears, the erratic beats of your heart.

“You have said…” You take a pause to catch your breath, “You could speak Parseltongue ever since you were little.” It is more of a statement rather than a question, and Tom only nods. You pull away from the snake, unable to hide your awe, “I will not—I won’t” You fix yourself, and a slow grin graces his features, one so lovely you hardly contain your own, “—ask what else you can do. Not now, at least. But I’m...curious, I’ll admit. So please tell me when you’re ready.”

“I will.” He says without missing a beat, squeezing your hand, “I promise.”

Pleased with his cooperation, you glance back at the snake and catch a glimpse of it laying still with its tail grasped between its teeth and ink and blood oozing—

His hand on your cheeks pulls you away before you can get a better look; his proximity erases any feelings of unease before they had time to take root, “It’s stopped raining, I think. We should go before the shopkeeper comes back. He might start asking too many questions.”

shall we go back?

or onto the next part?

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kristinsimmons · 5 years

Text

What’s on USMLE Step 1?

By BRYAN CARMODY

Recently, I was on The Accad and Koka Report to share my opinions on USMLE Step 1 scoring policy. (If you’re interested, you can listen to the episode on the show website or iTunes.)

Most of the topics we discussed were ones I’ve already dissected on this site. But there was an interesting moment in the show, right around the 37:30 mark, that raises an important point that is worthy of further analysis.

ANISH: There’s also the fact that nobody is twisting the arms of program directors to use [USMLE Step 1] scores, correct? Even in an era when you had clinical grades reported, there’s still seems to be value that PDs attach to these scores. . . There’s no regulatory agency that’s forcing PDs to do that. So if PDs want to use, you know, a number on a test to determine who should best make up their class, why are you against that?

BRYAN: I’m not necessarily against that if you make that as a reasoned decision. I would challenge a few things about it, though. I guess the first question is, what do you think is on USMLE Step 1 that is meaningful?

ANISH: Well – um – yeah…

BRYAN: What do you think is on that test that makes it a meaningful metric?

ANISH: I – I don’t- I don’t think that – I don’t know that memorizing… I don’t even remember what was on the USMLE. Was the Krebs Cycle on the USMLE Step 1?

I highlight this snippet not to pick on Anish – who was a gracious host, and despite our back-and-forth on Twitter, we actually agreed much more than we disagreed. And as a practicing clinician who is 15 years removed from the exam, I’m not surprised in the least that he doesn’t recall exactly what was on the test.

I highlight this exchange because it illuminates one of the central truths in the #USMLEPassFail debate, and that is this:

Physicians who took Step 1 more than 5 years ago honestly don’t have a clue about what is tested on the exam.

That’s not because the content has changed. It’s because the memories of minutiae fade over time, leaving behind the false memory of a test that was more useful than it really was.

I’m speaking from experience here.

CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER STEP 1 APOLOGIST

Believe it or not, I was once a USMLE apologist. If you’d asked me my opinion of Step 1 a few years ago, I would have said “Yeah, it’s not the best, but it’s the best we’ve got…” and parroted back many of the same arguments for a scored test that are still bandied about today.

My opinion started to change a few years ago when I started teaching some courses for our first- and second-year medical students. I wanted to be sure that the concepts and terminology I used were consistent with what they needed to know for the USMLE, so I reviewed a whole bunch of Step 1 questions using the NBME’s Computerized Assessment System (CAS).

As I answered question after question, three broad categories of questions emerged.

CORE SCIENTIFIC CONCEPTS: Many questions I knew cold. These questions tested key aspects of physiology, pharmacology, or pathology that I use frequently to take care of patients.

A LITTLE OFF THE BEATEN PATH: Another group of questions were more challenging. They asked about basic science concepts with only peripheral relevance to the practice of nephrology. Some of these I got right; some I got wrong. Most stirred up a dormant memory of facts that I might have known during my own Step 1 studying.

BASIC SCIENCE TRIVIA: A final group of questions were completely foreign. Not only did I not know them, but I had no memory of there ever being a time in my life when I would have known them. For these, it was hard to even conceive of how such information could be clinically useful.

I’d like to share examples of these questions to you. However, to gain access to CAS, I signed a blood oath confidentiality agreement with the NBME that I would not disclose the questions within, and I am going to honor that.

However… the USMLE does provide some real USMLE Step 1 sample questions to the general public. I reviewed just the first block (questions 1-40) and highlighted some of the best below.

SAMPLE QUESTION 1

You might think that the makers of a mandatory medical licensing examination would be interested in determining whether doctors-to-be knew how to keep this poor guy from dying in the first place. Nah. For Step 1, let’s just figure out who knows how this cell got here.

(The correct answer, in case you were wondering, is B.)

SAMPLE QUESTION 2

What I love about this question is the way it lures you in with a totally-believable clinical vignette. Is it a question about burn care? Infection prevention? Indications for debridement? Nope. Hope you memorized your cytokines! If not, the correct answer is E.

SAMPLE QUESTION 3

Whoa. Not to be outdone by Sample Question 2, this question makes multiple head-fakes toward clinically relevant medical decision-making that might benefit a human being… before ending with cellular signaling pathways.

Look, I actually evaluate children suspected to have diabetes insipidus. Never once has it occurred to me to look up this factoid (much less carry it around in my head). But in case your diagnostic algorithm differs from my own, the correct answer is A.

SAMPLE QUESTION 4

Are you sensing a theme here?

As usual, the question stem starts off strong with a vignette on a clinically-relevant entity (RSV bronchiolitis), before diverting into Virology Jeopardy. Is it really the case that all doctors must know, as a condition of licensure, that RSV has a linear, negative-sense RNA genome?

Sigh.

I hopefully guessed answer choice E, thinking that perhaps the USMLE was trying to test a clinically-useful point which I had been heretofore unaware. They weren’t. The correct answer is D.

SAMPLE QUESTION 5

I have to at least applaud this question for its lack of pretense. No clinical foreplay at all. It gets straight into the basic science.

And in case it’s been a while since you walked into clinic and did a Southern blot on the digestion products of your patient’s cerebellum and pancreas, the correct answer is C.

HOW’D YOU DO?

Anybody go 5 for 5?

Let me save you a little time on your angry e-mails and address some of the inevitable objections to this little exercise.

YOU CHERRY-PICKED THOSE QUESTIONS.

Yes, I did. But bear in mind, these cherries were plucked from a 40 question block – so these 5 represent 12.5% of the total. (Plus, these are the exemplary questions that the NBME has chosen to release on the sample test. The questions I reviewed on CAS verged even farther into the realm of the obscure.)

And bear in mind, as Step 1 scores climb higher and higher, the questions that are used to discriminate between candidates at the upper end become more and more obscure. Knowing the answers to these kinds of questions may be the difference between a student being able to pursue a career in, say, orthopedic surgery – or not.

So students will study more and more to memorize facts that are less and less useful. And as this process repeats iteratively over residency application cycles, things will get worse and worse – until we demand that something be done about it.

THOSE AREN’T BAD QUESTIONS. I GOT THEM ALL RIGHT.

Cool. Actually, I got two of them right. But that doesn’t keep me from appreciating that the concepts being tested are almost certainly unnecessary for the safe and effective practice of medicine.

THIS MATERIAL ISN’T IRRELEVANT! WHY, JUST YESTERDAY I PRESCRIBED A VEGF INHIBITOR TO A PATIENT IN MY CLINIC.

So why not test the indications for using VEGF inhibitors, or their side effects? Just because the answer to some of these questions relates to something that’s useful doesn’t mean that they’re good questions.

THOSE QUESTIONS AREN’T IRRELEVANT FOR ALL PHYSICIANS. WHAT ABOUT THOSE WHO PURSUE CAREERS IN RESEARCH? SOUTHERN BLOTTING IS QUITE USEFUL!

Let me be clear – none of what I am pointing out here is intended to denigrate basic science or basic scientists. For those of you who work in research, hats off to you. Honestly. But I would put it to you that even those who have made it their life’s mission to understand the Janus kinase weren’t inspired to do so through their Step 1 preparation.

Here’s the thing: the USMLE Step 1 is a licensing examination. Medical licensure exists to protect the public.

And it’s very for me difficult to conceive of a situation in which a patient could be harmed by a physician’s inability to answer any of those questions above. (It’s even more difficult to try to imagine a case in which a patient would benefit by receiving care from a clinician armed with these nuggets of trivia.)

WE DON’T USE STEP 1 SCORES BECAUSE OF THE KNOWLEDGE IT TESTS. WE USE SCORES BECAUSE IT SHOWS US WHAT CANDIDATES HAVE THE BEST WORK ETHIC, TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS, DETERMINATION, GRIT, ETC.

Then could we not measure those things while engaging students in an endeavor that actually leads to them being a better physician? If it’s really true that the content is irrelevant, why not just ask students to memorize digits of pi?

THE BOTTOM LINE

The “save the scored USMLE” coalition is a varied one.

There are students who perceive that they benefit from a scored test, or who would rather compete with their Step 1 score than by some other metric. There are graduates who worked their butts off to get a high score and have benefitted from it – and they view an attack on Step 1 scores as an attack on their own intelligence or work ethic. There are (cough cough) certain organizations who have a vested financial interest in maintaining a scored test. And there are well-meaning faculty and program directors who aren’t sold on Step 1, but buy into the NBME’s messaging about how anything that could possibly replace Step 1 will be worse.

Some of those objections I get; some, not so much.

If you support maintaining scored test, all I ask is this: know what you’re fighting for. Don’t rely on your own remote experience with Step 1 inform your knowledge about what’s being measured by the Step 1 score.

Dr. Carmody is a pediatric nephrologist and medical educator at Eastern Virginia Medical School. This post originally appeared on The Sheriff of Sodium here.

What’s on USMLE Step 1? published first on https://wittooth.tumblr.com/

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