#they were both about to risk it all
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Daemon: Where are the twins?
Viserys: Oh, they went out.
Daemon: ...but they're grounded.
Viserys:
Viserys: Are they not allowed to go out when they're grounded?
#to be fair; vizzy t is the king so if he let them out it’s all fair. unfortunately as an UNCLE buddy no—#i 100% believe viserys doesn’t know a thing about grounding kids bc while he loved rhaenyra he mainly ignored her during her first 14 years#aemma was probably more authoratative with rhaenyra since both were women and mothers were expected to guide their daughters#and when aemma died and he remarried; rhaenyra was spoiled even more out of his guilt. and then he just never parented his green kids#you might say that he knows a thing or two about parenting boys since he raised daemon basically#but you have to consider how well behaved the boys appear to him compared to daemon when he was that age#also to be fair… AS IF daemon would ever ground his kids. one look from either of them and he crumbles.#HE COULD have grounded them bc kidnappers be nappin’ and he doesn’t want to risk anything#source: mean girls#resonant by syndrossi#house of the dragon#jon snow#jon targaryen#rhaegar targaryen#daemon targaryen
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[ID: Two panels from Dungeon Meshi. The first scows Senshi clutching his face as tears start to spill out of his eyes, saying, "I've always... always wanted to have this soup one more time." He's not wearing his helmet in this panel, so his face is unusually visible, detailed and vulnerable. The second panel shows himself as a youngster, surrounded by his old mining team, all smiling at each other, one of them rubbing Senshi's head. Modern-day Senshi continues, "Thank you. All of you. Thank you." End ID.]
Holy shit. I anticipated some tragic backstory from the "I must feed the young ones" panels, but what I'd guessed was that Senshi might have become so devoted to cooking and eating literally whatever because he'd previously survived a famine and had seen children starve to death. I did not expect him to have been the child who was the sole survivor of a doomed travel party, one of whom was determined to feed Senshi first because he was the youngest, and that Senshi has lived with the fear of having inadvertently committed cannibalism by eating stew that he'd never quite known the contents of. I'm happy for him that Laios deduced and confirmed for him that it was griffin meat, that he was able to taste the meal that saved his life once more and remember the friends he lost. Seriously, I'm crying, and also earnestly relieved that while his backstory is pretty dark, it's not the type of fucked up I'd been preparing myself mentally for.
#Dungeon Meshi#Delicious in Dungeon#Dunmeshi#though it IS really worth exploring the ethics of cannibalism in survival situations#The podcast You're Wrong About has a really interesting pairing of episodes#in the Donner Party and Flight 571 Crash episodes#Both about disasters in which people wound up eating their dead to survive#and an interesting connection they drew was that it wasn't the cannibalism itself#that destroyed the lives of the Donner survivors#it was the horror and disgust and societal rejection they got for having eaten human flesh#even the children who had no idea what they were eating were treated with revulsion#and this is clearly the response Senshi feared facing if anybody knew what he'd eaten#But Flight 571 like a century later#the survivors were faced with a lot of understanding when rescued#relatively little condemnation and revulsion#by and large commentators acknowledged that they did what they had to do#and sympathized with how difficult and painful it must have been#which is what Senshi gets from his party#Laios wants to figure out the truth because he knows it's hurting Senshi not to know#But at one point Marcille straight up says that none of them would think less of Senshi if he did eat dwarf stew#Okay so this is Marcille 'ardent student of blood magic' Donato#but Chilchuck agrees#anyway I think that would be a particularly interesting conversation to have in a cooking manga#how do you safely eat a dead friend when that's all you have to survive on?#what are the nutritional benefits other than 'better than starving'?#what are the risks? There's prion diseases and all sorts you can get#they write it off as eating the dragon part but they DO spend seven days eating Falin at the end#ARE there any in/famous cannibalism cases in this world?#Do peopel argue about whether or not it's cannibalism if a dwarf eats a tallman?#enquiring minds (mine) want to know
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Man, what a great character Hoolay is. Proud, extremely so, but not so arrogant that it'd easily be his downfall. Confident, but not to the point where he believes himself irreplaceable - even the opposite, where he sees the way other borisin see him as a great savior as a weakness. And smart. Very smart. It'd have been easy to make him a savage beast going on a mindless rampage, but instead he was extremely cautious and strategic and was playing mind games with both his hostage and pursuers. And all that made the stakes feel that much higher through the story, because the hunt is a lot more dangerous when the prey is always one step away from becoming the predator.
#AND he probably fed the furry side of the fandom for at least ten patches. what can't he do.#honkai star rail spoilers#hsr spoilers#hsr#hoolay my beloved i love it when a villain looks like he's tailor made to be cartoonishly evil and then he isn't#he's literally the big bad wolf but boy could you FEEL why he was both so feared and so respected#he really lived up to what the xianzhou people said about him and it was delightful#of course he was always going to fall but through all of 2.4 and 2.5 even if it was a narrative certainty it didn't feel like one#it took 3 generals together to both outsmart and outmatch him and especially feixiao had to take a MASSIVE risk#thank you mihoyo for a great villain#ray's records#everyone's already talked at length about the other stars of the trailblaze continuance#but to me both hoolay and lingsha were pleasant surprises#i didn't expect them to stand out but i wound up really liking both of them
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it's been over a whole month since i had a stupid argument with my parents about driving, a skill that i legally possess but hate doing because i have a special brain illness that makes me fear death and injury, but i'm still chewing over an absurd claim that it's "equally dangerous to go on a 14 hour train ride like you just did". literally how is that more dangerous. in what way. in what world. public transport is nice and good and i like it and i don't have to enter my personal torment nexus
#goddddd it was so bad#i was trying to explain that yes i understand the importance of maintaining my skill but also i want to build my life in a way that doesn't#depend on doing a thing that stabs me directly in the mental illness#and i was basically told that im both a whiny coward that doesn't wanna do scary things AND i do scary things all the time?????#pick one!!!!!!!!! either im a stupid sheltered baby or im a brave soldier who understands the danger of being alive!!#ive always been a Good and Agreeable child but ive been grounded One time in my life#and that was when my parents were teaching me to ride a bike without training wheels and it stressed me out and made me cry so much#I WONDER IF MAYHAPS I HAVE ANXIETY#I KNOW I GOTTA DO SCARY THINGS BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS SCARY AND I DO THEM ANYWAY#but like sending an email is not putting my life at risk as like. car traffic#and for all my anxiety the only fear ive ever had about public transport has been like. missing a train or a bus#im not afraid of travelling alone or sharing a space with people???#and p much most public vehicles are safer than personal cars????#drivers of the vehicles receive more rigorous training and stuff??? and also they get a lot of experience bc they do it every day???#how is that less safe than putting a mentally ill nervous wreck in the torment nexus#is this what evangelion was about bc im not sure
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it's 1:30 am and i'm thinking about how logan and rory both grow up feeling like their lives aren't really theirs. how logan uses risk and impulse as a way to feel some semblance of control over his life in response to his father's control. how in contrast, rory spends her life with a tight grip on just about everything, clings to safety and a clear path forward, because she worries that her success is the thing holding her and her mom's life together.
#logan leans into recklessness and rory leans into careful control#how those different approaches reflect their different relationships with their parents#logan is just full of resentment and anger while rory loves her mom so much and couldn't stand it if she didn't make her proud#i could say so much about logan's consistent willingness to risk his life. cause at least that means it's his to risk.#rory feels that nothing is hers to risk. nothing at all!#and how their relationship helps them both find balance between these two extremes#logan realizing that finding love and care for himself and others is its own way of rebelling against his upbringing#or that love and care is more important than rebelling at all#rory realizing that sometimes you need to jump to make anything happen#that her life should be hers not just the fulfillment of what lorelai's 'should have' been#they just. were building a life together that was something other than what so many people thought they should build.#it was theirs and no one else's. and it helped them each feel for once like their lives were their own. i feel SICK.#idkkkkk goodnight#rogan#rory x logan#logan huntzberger#rory gilmore#u already know this is not going in the main gg tag
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I could count the amount of original stories of mine that don't have horror elements on one hand and idk what that says about me
#thylacines can talk#actually i do know it says mmmmm making horror monster ocs is fun#outside of my fandom ocs my ocs and original stories arre dominated by horror elements and religious themes oopsie daisy#i might eventually post about them but the hk brainrot is going strong#but a friend of mine got a commission for me of my doomer human x monster yaoi so you'll see my Main Babygirls soon 🥰#hand in unlovable hand they're fucked and weird and it's an unhealthy relationship and it'll never work as everything is stacked against#them yet each other is all they have and if being together means their death then so be it. Peter should have probably ran. Should have left#would be better off for the majorth of the story had he never met it yet the two are so alike. it's the first thing that's ever unnderstood#him. it's the first 'person' that's ever truly cared for him. And even if it has flaws and his life was ruined by things beyond his#comprehension and he risks his life he's not willing to let go of the only person whos truly seen him and loved him. Who is willing to tear#its world apart and die for him. There are no happy endings here. They were doomed from the start. But at least they have each other.#also tfw your life and 'family' sucks so much that a literal monster who manipulated you and used your body to carry out ruthless murders is#nicer to you than your goddamn brother and friends. like damn dude.#I honestly think if Slaughter was born a human their relationship would be great for both of them they truly fit together like two puzzle#pieces. two outcasts who have so much in common and find comfort in one another. but because of the circumstances of Slaughter's nature and#what it was forced to be this is not a healthy situation or a relationship. Peter comes out better at the end and would be as good as dead#if not for meeting Slaughter so there's a silver lining in all of this but goddamn dude. the bullshit it took to get there.#The fact that his life was so bad literally getting possessed by a monster and almost being murdered numerous times and an insane amount of#trauma and bbeing a target for monsters for the rest of your life literally IMPROVED IT my guy truly cant catch a fucking break 😭😭
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#they are humans after all#but max making mistakes from pressure? the same 23 y.o max fighting for his first title against literally the statistical goat? that max?#But honestly when did max make a mistake due to him being under pressure?#Maybe at jeddah 2021 quali n his lockup in singapore 2022 but what else? His last 4 races in 2021? They weren't mistakes#they were clearly deliberate verstaliban tactics he couldn't fight lewis with merc being much faster he would've risked a penalty/dsq#n not regretting losing the championship at the end it was just verstaliban verstalibaning fr n we saw it this year n we saw it last year#even against mick in Silverstone n this is what max said about it#“it was a good battle. I was like 'well he had to know to back off otherwise we are both out' Luckily he is smart enough to.”#lol he got cooked for this but it was verstaliban not pressure n that's my point#“carlos in singapore” old man bffr redbull fucked up their setup n everyone knows that they were the 4th fastest car that weekend#n no don't bring up his hungary n his spain mistakes in 2022 as pressure mistakes they were just mistakes due to gust of wind n wet weather#n guess what he won both of these races#This year he almost lost it at the front when he was like 15s+ from the rest n giggled about it was that from pressure?#no if it happened then it would've been just a mistake#I honestly don't remember anyone excuses max's mistakes are due to him pushing over the limit or he's driving an understeery car that#puts him under pressure as well if he made a mistake then he was a bozo n simply a mistake#(except for jeddah which was a rare mistake from being under pressure n we called it a bottle)#I dont wanna go there but he set up his team when his team n drivers make mistakes without even a title pressure#oof i had to let it out#max verstappen
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I think calling Feferi going to attack Eridan like that self-defense because he assaulted Sollux IS a bit of a stretch, considering, like, Sollux VERY much did, like, agree to duel him. Understandable revenge? The most logical thing she could think of because she took his whole "side to Jack" thing seriously? Not worth being murdered as a 13 year old over? All true. But self-defense. definitely perhaps a stretch! he did not go to attack her until she was coming at him with a weapon!
#like feferi and sollux both being like ohhh the most obvious and reasonable thing to do right now is kill eridan#like sollux. is being so. like he's like i'll duel him. dude i do not think sollux was trying to kill eridan they were being dumb#likewise i don't think eridan meant to hurt sollux badly#the main thing that happened in this sequence is eridan was suddenly overpowered with the weapon he had which resulted in well.#the murder of his friends!#like eridan was. at his core. same as when he dueled sollux on his planet. same as his so called genocide devices while actively stressed#trying to prevent mass death#very clearly having a paper thin facade for desperate cries for help. feferi not seeing that is silly but understandable#her immediate reaction of 'killing him' instead of like. anything else. speaks VOLUMES about her. like#i cannot express how much she did not have to do that#also saying that it's self defense to subdue someone who assaulted someone else (WHO WAS ALSO ATTACKING THEM!)#by trying to Kill Them is just. not something i think i could agree with tbh. like unless there's imminent threat#is it understandable? is she 13? does she deserve to die? all obvious answers#but eridan killing her when she was coming At Him was definitely an Impulsive reaction to being attacked -- ie self defense#while she jumped there with a few extra steps#granted I don't think he wanted to kill her either like! I think when his attack on her killed her it was. horror inducing like man#like the point is don't give 13yos murder weapons! unstable mr eridan ampora as a child did not need gun/wand gun esque power#ik ik they were playing a high fantasy violent game don't at me but that's the point lol#but to try to get feferi off like in a court of law on self defense there i mean. factor her age etc in makes sense. but on the circumstanc#itself? well. only if she were like. a cop. or it was on her property. eridan on the other hand? yeah. self defense#not his attack on sollux though I do think that's a little bit like. sollux did engage with him#i think about it so much though like. what if sollux and feferi weren't together right at that moment when eridan went to them to try to#get help (say he was a risk to all of them bc of his deep hopelessness 🙄🙄)#the way that him and sollux were like. not interacting on the level feferi was. the way feferi had eridan's also desire to interact with#sollux like he did on his planet overriding his direct purpose. the way no one understood what was really going on#the thing about all of it is it's tragic! those are babies. anyways#eridan ampora#feferi peixes#feferi#eridan
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Would tumblr blast me to outer space if I posted some
✨️artistic nudity✨️?
#nothing actually shows (maybe a little bit of butt)#and blood#but no genitalia. and it isn't anything suggestive#it's just. he's naked. thats all#not art#text#I think I'll just risk it. I'll tag it correctly and all#that calligraphy font makes it seem like it says 'autistic' instead of 'artistic' and that's hilarious to me#Btw I'm only hesitant because it's both a nude character and the blood. If it were only one or the other I wouldn't think about it twice
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Final Chapter: Tomorrow's Legends
#gingaman lb#super sentai lb#umbrella.thoughts#umbrella.posts#that's a wrap people#it was nice and i really liked the effects and the designs were stellar#the bull black arc and galactic light arc in general were chef's kiss#the relationships were all really sweet and nice and i liked the inclusion of flashbacks to give more background since they've known each#other for their whole lives and i liked the tree network being used to navigate and how yuuta was like a little brother to the team and the#never discouraged him but were also clear about the dangers and risks they face as warriors but also taught him different aspects about#being a good warrior outside of physical strength#wish there was more development for things like shellinda and that the lore had been expanded upon more#also wish they leaned more into the elemental factors but i think sentai does have trouble with consistency when it comes to that#and just have a lot of questions about the life crystals that were never answered and overall just wish they didn't play it so safe for#a series with such a premise like we have mythical beasts and space pirates but dinosaur sentai lore is more wild#don't get me wrong i liked it i just know they could've gotten more creative with it#i think that it shares quite a few themes and similarities to goseiger and ryusoulger and i might just talk about some overlaps in the#future but if you like goseiger or ryusoulger you might like gingaman and vice versa#though goseiger and ryusoulger can both be hit or miss i do care for them dearly and they're favs of mine so it was nice to see some overla#overall another good season and i will be moving back to kr next and then we'll see from there :)
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disjointed fandom posting sorry but it just hit me that pwotr is like. the only rpg where a companion never once left my team
#you can guess who it was jgkdfg#but yeah i think it has to do with disapproval not being a thing in the usual sense#Daeran was there 24/7 but my team in general is very stable compared to how often i switch it up on bg3 or the dragon ages#it's like . Daeran Woljif Seelah Lann + free space that gets swapped around (but most often it's Arue)#like aside from the point when woljif isn't there for plot reasons - i think the only time seelah and lann werent there-#was at the trap for the Other?#and that was only for plot reasons again bc basically Elluin was 99% sure the situation would escalate/#he'd wind up murdering a bunch of inquisitors and. yk. don't generally want the paladin and the guy who can't stand your bf there for that#though maybe I'll change it in future because it would be spicy if they WERE there to see it... hmmm#anyway yeah it's very interesting to me how consistent it was comparatively#honorable mention to Wyll for being the only other companion from an rpg that I don't recall taking out of my team for 99% of the game#and Zevran for being there for about? 80%? Orion didn't take him into the deep roads for blight safety reasons#it's a LITTLE bit funny to think of Daeran as the one companion this happens to djkfg#similar to the Dorian Bit of the high class character forced to trudge along the dirt fdjgk but.. better#because he's deadass forced to do it dnfmgbdh#I have this one particular thought in my head about the abyss as well.#about being made to follow along the heart of Alushinyrra as essentially a glowing target?#and how that's somehow both the worst and best outcome of being in the abyss in the fist place?#i mean he says it himself retroactively about the battlebliss. there's a certain sense of safety that comes from sticking close to the kc#and that's also why Elluin Does keep him with- it's a risk either way but if we gotta bring an aasimar into the Abyss#and that aasimar just so happens to be someone he has a vested interest in keeping safe#he's much better off where he can see him at all times rather than at camp#gods something about this visual. standing right there as the person you're following walks in front of you-#provoking the 2d highest authority in the entire /realm/ - a realm that's already been hostile to you from the very second you stepped ther#yet somehow - against all sense or better judgement . you know it's going to be fine?#(yes in a sense Dae may be safer than anyone there on account of life insurance and the Other itself in a sense but still)#im shaking the bars of my enclosure etcetera#river rambles
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tfw it seems like your job genuinely couldn't care less about your wellbeing :)
#the first time i got covid was at my last job and after that i developed the immune suppression and chronic ear infections that have been#ruining me for the past 2 years#then yesterday we found out that the kid i sent home sick friday (who i spent most of the day 1-on-1 with bc they were miserable) tested#positive friday night. but they didn't have an official diagnosis so work refused to tell families there had been a close contact. then this#morning we hear that another of my kids and their parent both tested positive. but those were 'only' home tests so we weren't allowed to#tell families there had been yet another close contact. all of my kids today were boogery and coughing but they don't require test-to-stay#or any isolation for close contacts with 'mild' symptoms. so i have gotten to spend 3 days now with at least 2 positive infants. i'm still#not even fully over the mild cold and subsequent infection i got 2 weeks ago. i tested negative again last night but there's just no way i#actually won't get it even if my home tests say i'm negative.#this is the first week back to school for older siblings. and they didn't warn anyone about a close contact over the long weekend when#i'm sure a bunch of families had gatherings. i'm just so fucking pissed. why tf do you think we're still seeing this shit????#our policies at work are treating covid 'like any other mild illness' so not only are all of my classroom INFANTS all being exposed but also#me and my co-teacher!!! and they don't care at all!!!!!!! there is a solid chance that when i get it it'll be v e r y bad for me#but who gives a shit? i'm just another disabled pos who shouldn't be working if i can't risk getting sick. bc that's how life works right?#i don't have words to explain the level of rage i feel over all of this. i'm so fucking tired of it.#pretty sure i use a different tag every time but#covid#chronically ill#stochastic ramblings
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I've got two family events coming up during term time and I'm trying to decide if the trips are worth the cost by asking if my family is actually going to be attending them and my mum's response was 'I might be able to convince your dad if we know you're going :)' girl I'm not spending nearly £60 just to come down for the weekend only to then find out I'm going by myself
#+Extra#travel tag#one of my cousins has a babyshower coming up in may on a Sunday when i have class on Monday#i already know my mum isnt intending to go to that one and my aunt that lives in between me and them also isnt going so i cant go with them#its the most inconvenient of the two and i have to be home a week after so ive declined that one#but another cousin recently announced an engagement/housing warming party weekend at the end of april#and when my mum told me about it i asked if she was going so i knew whether or not to look into tickets#and she hit me with the 'might go if you do :)' girl im not risking £60 on a maybe especially cus getting there will be a nightmare#its not all the way down south with the rest of my family so its technically closer but if im travelling there i need to know#whether to come early and go all the way home so i can arrive with my family on the day or travel down the day of & get there a little late#in the day in the city where its happening and figure out how to get to the event by myself and sort out getting ready and everything#or like to not bother what so ever and theres no guarantee which day theyll go cus its both Saturday and/or Sunday#ideally id only go Saturday cus i got class first thing monday but i also dont wanna be there by myself#im not close with my cousins and my dad doesnt get along with my mums side of the family so its highly likely id be there by myself#which i absolutely do not want especially if im getting there late cus of relying on public transport#edit: itll cost between £50-£120 to travel o.o depending on how i travel#if i get the train the whole way cus its quicker and times are more convenient itll cost £120 for a return for a 3 hour trip#or i could spend £40ish to get there by train then £10 on an overnight coach back#which is cheaper than the £60ish it would cost to get coaches both ways and the travel times for coaches were ridiculous#but jesus christ 🤦♀️
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also today in queer history class discussion i pitched the question "how has your race impacted your experiences as a queer person" and so one of my classmates talked abt how she was usually the only black person in queer spaces (or if not, then the only dark skinned black person) and talked a lot abt the isolation of it all
which was cool to hear, but not quite what i was looking for, so at the end i was like, "follow-up question: how has your blackness influenced your queerness?"
and after class she told me no one had ever asked her that before and so she'd never had to consider it, but now she was excited to just throw that at every other queer person of color in her life because it's like, "huh. what kind of homoeroticisms DO i experience as a result of my culture? how CAN i express my queerness in a way that also feels at home with my culture, instead of just picking an expression that is one or the other?" and i think that's beautiful. i hope she figures out how she wants to be queer in her own uniquely black way
#the worm speaks#me bringing my valuable experiences with the blending of cultures as a mixed race person to the table 2day it seems lol#and she went on to tell me how there are a lot of examples of queer black *masculinity* but very few came to mind#of like queer black *femininity* n so ultimately i'm still left not knowing what homoeroticism looks like to like.#bc she is genderfluid n so she's not a woman but she is femme and she's mentioned this many times#but like you guys get my gist#i think i brought a lot of unexpected questions to the discussion today LOL like the reading was abt the erasure of queer asian americans#in the history of the united states and yep there sure were a lot of queer asians erased but like for some reason it didn't really strike me#as a subject to discuss or ask a lot of questions about. same with the mentions of orientalism LOL#i think i'm also a little bit averse to bringing up orientalism bc i feel like i risk being accused of it myself by nature of being mixed#as if being half white is all that matters in a discussion about race as if i've never felt the pressures n hardships of being asian myself#etc etc it's a little hard for me to feel like i'm allowed to speak abt the subject lol but it was like The One Subject#the prof deliberately drew attn to towards the end to discuss#mostly i focused my questions for the class on the subjects of culture and community building and the desire for connection#stuff i'm both deeply familiar with bc of blorbo studies and also kind of asian about lol
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Song of the Day: March 17
"I Like It" by Cardi B, Bad Bunny, J Balvin
#song of the day#a real train-of-thought adventure today#I was talking with Duncan about poor narrative structure in some of the less fortunate parts of our respective fandoms#and I said 'what in the fuck were they trying' and then Cardi B's new song 'Enough (Miami)' started playing in my head#('I'm like What in the Fuck / if you scared then just say that ho Enough is Enough')#I'm a big Cardi B fan she's got great lines and great delivery very very fun#right before 'Enough (Miami)' she put out 'Like What' which is similarly angry and proud and still having fun with it#('I'm rich I ain't gettin in no pool that's not heated')#but more than any other Cardi B song I love 'I Like It'. my absolute favorite#her whole first verse is wonderful but of course nothing compares to the single greatest line#'I like those Balenciagas / the ones that look like socks'#the first time I heard the song actually I was eating a gumball and I swallowed it whole laughing and nearly choked#(her whole verse there does have an incredible rhythm and I do enjoy it all and it does live in my head#and I did for a good couple weeks run the constant risk of being in the office looking for something and saying 'where's my'#and having the lyrics start up in my head. 'where's my pen? bitch I'm signin'#I did say it often enough with that cadence that my boss one day realized what I was doing#she called me Cardi for about a week straight and then intermittently for years after#any time I put my foot down and /made/ something be the way it needed to work she'd call me Cardi again it was wonderful#'yeah they call me Cardi B / I run this shit like cardio'#there's a whole second layer to it if you know my full name and it made her very happy#honestly it did make both of us happy. very very flattering every time she said it she was so proud of me)
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#i hate being more financially responsible than my parents#I HATE IT#like i've lived through them obsessing over bills and having our services cut many many times and risk our shit being taken from us#and have to listen to my dad making phone calls begging for money from friends and how humilliating that is#and now we're doing a little better but i was raised with that stress and that just doesnt go away#and i see them spend money on shit we don't need and that would be fine if we didn't still have many debts and health issues we keep postpo#postponing bc we don't have money#and since my exchange i've been feeling so guilty about how much money it cost them#and ive talked to them about it when i was applying to give them the chance to tell me no and reconsider#and during it bc i felt like the worst person alive for needing to eat#and after bc i put them in so much debt with my uni that i can't enroll for this semester#and so much shit has happened and ive been feeling guilty and a waste of money and space and most of the time i feel like a shell of myself#and they see it but they dont know what to do because instead of comforting me ever they just put me in a psychologist's office#and just now my mom smiled at me and told me that since they weren't able to give me any presents last year they were talking#and wanted to buy me tickets for lollapalooza this weekend#and i want to go so badly and i entered so many giveaways and stuff but i didnt win so i was also sad about that#but i just looked at her like 😐 because we are definitely not in a financial situation to be spending money like that#like i appreciate the gesture but i've taken enough from them and i already feel guilty#i told her i would feel guilty and wouldn't enjoy it bc they literally don't have the money#and she said ''oh we just can't pay the full amount that we owe right now but we have enough''#???? then put the money on a savings account????? not spend it because you have '''extra'''#which you dont even have!!!!! i told her to prioritise our health bc we all have to get blood work done and exams and multiple doctors and#our general bills!!! like there's more important things that would put me more at ease than a concert which yes would have made me happy#but not like this and not when it's a present out of guilt and inability to know me#and i was crying and she was sad at my reaction and i had to apologise for not accepting it and being like this#literally told her ''i also wish i wasnt like this'' and she said nothing#so that was a fun start to my day :)))))))))#i hate that she thought it was a good idea and i hate that i had to say no#at least i didn't say any of the hurtful things that went through my head so i'll take it as a win#it sucks that we both feel guilty over the uni situation becuase we're both equally at fault
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