#they were all paperbacks btw

[enjoyerofstories]

WHY!? 😭

[cobragardens]

The Colors of Crowley

Black is the color Crowley uses to cover himself, red is the color that represents Crowley to himself, and yellow is the color that represents Crowley to Aziraphale. What each color symbolizes and how it's used give us important information about Crowley (and to some degree Aziraphale) and about the ineffable relationship.

I feel kind of dumb writing this post because I'm sure it's glaringly obvious to everyone else, but there's this Metro UK article of all things (the Metro is owned by the hardcore rightwing Daily Mail, btw, so please don't link to it) that mentions the red stitching on Crowley's gloves in 1867, and it made conscious some details I had only subconsciously noted, so fwiw to anybody else, here are my notes on the colors associated with Crowley in Good Omens and their significance in the context of the way each one is used.

I don't think we need to cover black-as-evil in Western color symbology. [And yet here's a long-ass paragraph about it anyway! --Ed.] Light:dark::good:evil has been a thing with Christianity since before Christianity was even Judaism. The Israelites picked it up from the Zoroastrians way back before YHWH had subsumed El as 'God,' which may have been before they were Israelites as well; I mean it was a LONG time ago. Good Omens has been using black and white to represent Hell and Heaven, respectively, long before the show. In the UK, the book was published in paperback with a choice of black or white cover with an illustration of the contrasting character in the contrasting color: Crowley illustrated in black, Aziraphale in white. The current hardcover is grey.

Crowley wears black, and the Bentley is black. At the metanarrative or authorial level this is obviously for the purposes of the black/white demon/angel contrast, but on the intra-narrative level, the Watsonian level, it's interesting to note that Crowley doesn't have to wear black. He's obviously not free to choose from the full color palette, but Furfur's shirt and sash are is dark emerald green, Dagon is in ultramarine (as befits a marine Elder God), and Shax has only been on Earth for four years before she's wearing head-to-toe oxblood. When she shows up later in battle dress she's got a lot of oxblood there, too. And yet Crowley wears black.

Authorial reasons aside, black suits Crowley for a couple intra-narrative reasons. For much of history, black was the most expensive color to dye and maintain in clothing, and as a result it has always been fashionable. And for several centuries in Christendom, wearing black was also a sign that you were in mourning, which was a social and religious obligation when someone close to you died. Whether you could wear other colors with it depended on how long ago that death had occurred.

Again: black is what Crowley chooses to cover himself, and as there is a sharp distinction between how Crowley presents himself to fulfill his obligations and who he thinks of himself as being, there is likewise a distinction between the colors that represent those two quantities as well.

Red is the color the show uses to represent Crowley to Crowley. The most obvious reason is his hair. This is another change from Book Omens, where Crowley is described as having hair that is "dark." A lot of fans in the UK hated the change when S1 came out because fans hate change and the British have a thing against gingers, but Crowley's red hair suits him better than dark imo because the Mother of Demons in Jewish religious literature, Lilith, is traditionally depicted with red hair. Red hair has been associated for more than a millenium in the Middle East and England and Wales with sorcery, witchcraft, demonic influence/possession, and satan-worship.

Crowley wishes his mom was this cool with snakes.

A good case can be made that Crowley genuinely likes the color red in addition to considering it demonically appropriate. I say this for three reasons. Firstly, because when he has a (limited) choice of (again, demonically appropriate) colors, he always chooses red. The marble of the desk in his apartment is not green or grey. He can have any color stitching on his gloves or lining of his jacket collar he wants, but it's always red. Secondly, it's not only red he chooses, it's almost always bright red.

We know Crowley's red isn't supposed to represent blood or violence, because we have another demon character whose use of red represents just that, and it's not the same red:

Compare Shax' oxblood and burgundy to

and

and

and

Crowley's red isn't just red, it's lipstick, cherry, crimson red. And in case we weren't sure that we should read this red as symbolizing passionate, romantic love:

Romantic symbolism aside, bright red is also the color of passion (romantic or otherwise), optimism, heat, vitality, life, (hell)fire, and warning.

Red and black says don't fuck with Jack.

The third reason I think we can safely say that Crowley actually likes the color red is that he hides it. It's always tiny little touches, some of which you have to look for to see. (I still don't know where they snuck in the red on his Elizabethan habit, e.g.) And we know this color is a risk for him, and that he is right to hide it, because Ligur, who doesn't approve of any of Crowley's less-than-fully-demonic embellishments and may share Hastur's opinion that Crowley has gone native, comments on one of Crowley's more noticeably colorful items.

And I think the red tells us one more thing about Crowley, too.

Bright red is the colorest of colors, you know? When we can choose only one color to represent all colors, to represent colorfulness itself, we choose bright red (even in cultures where red symbolizes other meanings than it does in Western art).

Remember how Aziraphale gives Crowley's jacket a tartan collar when he swaps bodies with Crowley and impersonates him in Hell because Aziraphale feels the need to maintain some small secret token of his identity, some tiny unremarked sign of something he loves and thinks is beautiful, when he is down there alone in the gloom among enemies?

Crowley is down there alone among enemies every second of every day and night, whether he's in Hell or on Earth. And he's already had his identity stripped from him once. If you were someone who said

about this

and then you got recruited by the fash downstairs bc the fash upstairs threw you out for not being fashy enough and you had to start wearing nothing but dark colors and more importantly had to hide everything that made you feel warmth or softness or joy, and that was it, that was the deal for eternity, but you could add one (1) little touch to everything you wore to remind yourself that there is some beautiful part of you left, something you loved once, that no one has yet been able to steal or brutalize out of you...what color would the stitching on your gloves be?

Lastly, Yellow represents Crowley to Aziraphale. I'm going to skip the chain of evidence for this bc I think it's obvious, but the way it's used also lends itself to some inferences supported in other areas in the show.

Here's where I think changing Crowley's hair to red from Book Omens' dark is a good decision in another way. Crowley always has red hair, and if he has any color in his clothes it's going to be red. Red is eye-catching; it always stands out, but it doesn't stand out as demonic. And yet the color Aziraphale associates with Crowley and calls "pretty" isn't red.

I suspect that when Aziraphale says he can make Crowley an angel again, Crowley hears "You're not good enough for me to accept you as you are, let me fix you" because these are words Aziraphale has said to him many times, and has meant some of those times. But

tells the audience differently. The color Aziraphale associates with Crowley, the color he calls "pretty," is the color of Crowley's only overtly demonic feature. Aziraphale doesn't love the angel he knew who isn't Crowley, he loves Crowley, the demon, the person he is now, his yellow demon irises.

Yellow appears in three other places in S2, and they're all symbolically significant, and in fact serve to establish another symbolic significance to the color yellow in addition to that of Yellow Is the Color of My True Love's Eyes.

One of them is a feather duster:

Crowley reacts to a feather duster like a cat confronted by an unfamiliar object

The other three are private conversations between Aziraphale and Crowley:

The walls that surround Crowley and Aziraphale when they speak openly about their situation and how they will handle it are drenched in yellow, and that is super interesting, because in Western color symbolism yellow is the color of fear. The archangel of whom Crowley and Aziraphale are both (rightly) terrified wields a tool the color of fear. The color of fear saturates the backdrop of conversations between Aziraphale and Crowley when they have to discuss their situation and their actions openly.

Remember how Aziraphale's voice shakes here?

Crowley realizes the crows have just handed an angel evidence the angel can take to Hell and use to have Crowley killed

Even the Bentley, that clear sign of Aziraphale's love for Crowley, is also a yellow coffin enclosing him. For Aziraphale, thoughts of Crowley are always entangled with fear, because Crowley is not just Crowley, he is also Crowley's Fall.

And I think fear is what Crowley's eyes themselves represent. For Crowley, fear is now a fundamental part of his perception, his nature, his identity.

The angel Aziraphale once knew is not Crowley, and yet from what we've seen, the chiefest difference in character between this sweetheart and this mischief-maker--

--is that the Starmaker does not know yet that he should be afraid, and the Serpent does. That knowledge and its fear has, shall we say, colored his view of the world.

Aziraphale learns that fear early by observing others rather than Falling himself, and knows enough that by the first time we meet him in the Before, he is already afraid.

Pink was once symbolically equivalent to red; in modern Western color symbology it is a color of innocence, youth, beauty, and first love. Hashtag just sayin'.

The cruellest thing this suggests to me is that, rather than rebellion or his propensity to ask questions, rather than the knowledge of good and evil, the Starmaker's Fall was caused by his innocence. it wasn't the questions that were the problem: it was that he didn't know any better than to speak them out loud.

Y'all, Crowley and Aziraphale do not suffer from communication problems. Despite both being male-coded and British, they don't even seem to lack emotional intelligence. What they do have is a universe of silence and fear they have to communicate within and around. What they lack is the safety to speak and love freely. The true color of Crowley is crimson, but someone gave him those eyes, and Aziraphale either watched that happen or knew about it, and now Crowley covers himself in black--which btw is also the symbolic color for mystery and secrets--and only lets Aziraphale see him as he really is now, because Aziraphale won't judge him for his yellow eyes (or punish and forsake him for his questions). Because Aziraphale carries that fear with him too.

[milksnake-tea]

❀ ˎˊ- prompt: he'd wanted to at least see her one last time before his ascension, but it seems that even that is too much to ask of the harmony. ❀ ˎˊ- sunday character study ❀ ˎˊ- wc: 641 ❀ ˎˊ- warnings: set in 2.0-2.1, MAJOR ANGST WARNING, gorey language used like once but it's metaphorical ❀ ˎˊ- a/n: this is all vee and bells fault btw also this tweet that changed my brain chemistry now everyone has to suffer with me. if this had a title it would be "she used to be mine" but its too short so it won't :) ❀ ˎˊ- taglist: @sh0jun , @themoderatelyawesomeninja , @xphantasmagoriax , @rainswept , @lucensei , @akutasoda , @naraven , @scribs-dibs , @apathicace , @flurrina , @tragedy-of-commons , @cakechase , @kiiyoooo ❀ ˎˊ- img credits

She’s gone.

And with her, goes every thought in his mind.

Ringing fills his ears. He can barely hear the voices of his attendant.

His lips move. What he says, he’s already forgotten.

His vision blurs. His eyes sting.

He sits. He stays. He stares.

She’s gone.

Robin’s gone.

The sweetheart of the cosmos, the idol beloved by all, the beacon of light in a night-filled sky-

His little sister is dead, and he wasn’t even there to stop it.

Muttered voices fade into a disorientated buzz that he can’t be bothered to decipher. Clicking of shoes, rustling of papers, all of it- it’s too much, it’s loud and it’s grating and-

Inhale.

Exhale.

Smile.

His cheeks hurt.

His nails bite into his palms. He wants to dig them into his face and tear off the skin and every horrid pretense he’s had to put up for the sake of this damned Family and that damningly weak Aeon who couldn’t even protect their most loyal acolyte.

And now, his sister is dead. Killed in her own home, in the domain of her god.

He’ll never see her again.

He’ll never see her smile, with the brightest lights and flames in her eyes as she sings on the grandest of stages.

He’ll never hear her laugh, with the voice blessed by the Harmony and the voice that had allowed him to continue fighting, even when he wanted to give up.

He’ll never hold her again, the sister who he had vowed to protect and had failed, not once, but twice now, and this time, his mistake, his carelessness was permanent.

Now, she is gone.

He asks his attendant to leave, as gently and as kindly as he can allow. He wants to scream. He wants to shout, he wants to cry, he wants to strangle and rip into whatever bastard dared to kill the only person he had ever loved, the only thing he had ever thought to be precious.

Was this some sort of punishment? For daring to question Xipe, or better yet, to question Ena? Was their devotion not strong enough? Was their actions not kind enough? Were they not enough?

Or were they simply just… insignificant, despite it all?

Then what was the point?

Despondently, his gaze raises from the cold wood of his desk.

Does Xipe even know?

Do they even care?

Something catches light in the corner of his eyes. There, in one of the many bookshelves in his office, a paperback spine stands apart from the rest. He knows it, bitterness and bile rising in his throat, he knows it better than anything.

He stands, and takes it from the shelf. He doesn’t open it.

The cover smiles up at him, the golden text taunting and mocking.

He grits his teeth.

A weak Path. A weak Aeon.

A weak brother.

He tears into the Odes of Harmony, ripping pages upon pages upon pages of lies, false vows, and cruel, cruel delusions. Inked words that had been ingrained into him since childhood are crushed under the sole of his shoe. The smiling face of a deceitful, lying Aeon is ripped into two.

His teeth tug at his lip. His chest constricts with the effort to keep his sobs down, to keep his eyes dry and to keep his grief and sorrow secret from the halls of Dewlight Pavilion. Every intake of air is a struggle in of itself, and it takes every bit of his strength not to break down and wail to the heavens to give his sister back.

It isn’t long before the Odes are reduced to nothing, and Sunday is left there, alone in his office with scattered pieces of paper littering his floor.

Xipe smiles up at him in two ripped halves of a page.

He hates how he sees Robin in Them.

reblogs w comments are appreciated !!

[mrghostrat]

for the editor au... angry/passive-aggressive thank yous at the end of the previous books VS unexpectedly genuine and heartfelt thank you at the end of the one they are currently working on and ultimately brings them together?

(I'm OBSESSED with your work btw!! thank you so much for sharing it!!)

😭😭😭

aziraphale holding his breath and flipping to the back like “ok here we go, how has he roasted me this time” but it’s so unexpectedly genuine and sweet his eyes get all watery completely against his will like what the fuck!!! where did that come from!!

(crowley jumping up and full body Panicking™ like SORRY WTF I DIDNT THINK YOU WERE GONNA CRY— (this is why he didn’t want aziraphale to read it in front of him!!!) but aziraphale’s swatting him away with the paperback like IM NOT CRYING YOU JUST SURPRISED ME, followed by the first, and most horrific, awkward silence they’ve ever sat thru together (until crowley leaps up from his chair and very decisively announces, “champagne.”) (before aziraphale corrects him, “whiskey.”)))

[romana-after-dark]

Room's on Fire: If You Could Read My Mind

Dark!Santiago Garcia x Fem!Reader

Dark!Francisco Morales x Fem!Reader

Dark!William Miller x Fem!Reader

Dark!Benjamin Miller x Fem!Reader

Also: FishBen, and an assortment of other M/M relationships (no Millercest). Everyone is Bisexual

Series Masterlist: Main Masterlist

Spotify playlist

Summery: Jonah tries to tell Madonna the truth.

Warnings and Content:

DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT

DUB CON MOSTLY but there WILL BE NON CON. Major character deaths, forced breeding, physical abuse, brainwashing, manipulation, violence, gore, alcoholism/addiction, BIG OLE BLASPHEMY WARNING like this cult appropriates a lot of religious themes and they call reader their Madonna, Santi is called the Pope, like all that stuff. However, this is a cult so I mean. It happens. None of it are my thoughts on religion or meant to make fun of religion or demonize religious people. Disgusting views on virginity. Attempted rape outside the boys. T*m warning. Age gap. Creepy terrible men. Non-reader rape, dub con, violence. Covert incest, massive mommy issues, sexual abuse all around, past grooming by parental figure. no CSA but the victim isn't much older. some Bates Motel type shit. I cannot properly warn you for everything, without just telling the story but consider this a major warning that there are dark dark themes. No one involved here is morally clean, and who you perceive as the good guy cannot be relied on. Don't come to my story and say im romanticizing these things until at least the story ends.

Extra warnings for chapter: General Madonna distress, mentions of what Ben does to Iris, what Beatriz did to Jonah and Frankie, both of whom were 19.

3.3k words (so sorry)

Support artists, like and reblog!

"If I could read your mind, love What a tale your thoughts could tell Just like a paperback novel The kind the drugstore sells When you reach the part where the heartaches come The hero would be me But heroes often fail" ~If You Could Read My Mind, Gordon Lightfoot

Jonah POV btw for this lyric

“OW!” You hiss in pain, gripping Francisco’s hand as Will removed your bandages. It was getting easier every time, but still hurt. There are a few bite marks on Ben’s arm still from the first few times, Benny letting her bite down on him instead of clenching her teeth. Babies take up a lot of your calcium, making your teeth more at risk for chips and breakage.

“I know, I know, you’re doing so good princess. Doing amazing.” Will soothes you as he cleans up, following the routine you’ve come to know. Your whole left side was burned up pretty badly from your dress catching on fire, but the worst was your arm where Pope pinned you down directly on a flame. You wondered if he got burned, if his hands bore the scars of his sins. You haven't seen him. Or Rey, Iris or Jonah for that matter, not since last week when it happened. Will said it was to maintain a sterile environment; he, Ben and Frankie all showered and wore fresh, unscented clothes, every single time. Will changed your sheets, and you were kept naked most of the time so as to not have anything irritating the skin. Bandages wrapped around your chest anyway. 

Will informs you that he’s going to keep the bandages off you for a few hours while he gets suited for his new armor, letting the wounds breath and instructing you can’t be moving too much. Baely registering it all, you agree, mindlessly. The days were all blurring together at this point, long hours in bed, Ben Will and Francisco by your side at all times. Will slept on your left side, Ben and Francisco snuggled each other on your right. No sign of Pope. No mention of him, even. No apology… why would a God apologize to a mortal, part of your mind would argue… but hours and hours of laying in bed led you to think. And think. And think. 

Whose is to say you were mortal? Surely, you were not divine mother’s status, nor Pope, but you were the Madonna, a holy woman. They worshiped you, didn’t they? Will had ordered your portrait displayed in the temple as well and many  had your picture in their homes. When you went to children’s blessings at the schools and dormitories, they knelt to you. 

You were divine, were you not? Maybe you were a God as well, Godhood being bestowed on you for creating the savior. Who was Pope to make these choices for you, to burn your reprieve, to destroy the things you love and harm your body in such a way… He claimed no more painting, the painting could harm the savior, but he burned you so severely, William had been mentally preparing you for the possibility of a miscarriage. You hadn’t your child was safe it seemed… but how could Pope take that risk?

“I have to go now, my beloved.” Will stood from where he knelt, applying aloe and silver gel to your wounds.

You look up at him, whimpering from the aftershocks of the pain. You’d been given some higher doses of painkillers to get you through; stress wasn’t good for the baby, but neither were a lot of medication. It was a balance. “Don’t go, please?” 

Will had been your caretaker during all this, nursing you back to health with gentle and capable hands and assuring you that they were safe.

Francisco was your comfort, forehead kisses and reading you books to pass the time and holding the safe parts of you, eyes sad with worry.

Benjamin was your delight, bringing you Iris’s food, making you laugh and smile, beginning you with stories from before you had joined them, before you were even born.

Pope was who you saw burning in your nightmares.

Will kisses your cheek. “I know, but I won’t be long. Benny will be back before Frankie leaves, you won’t be alone. Rey is just outside.” He was so close, you wondered if you could talk to him… but after Pope’s accusation you were sleeping with him and Jonah, you didn’t wanna risk it. You weren’t really sure why Rey was guarding, honestly. The thing you feared most was Pope, and Rey couldn’t prevent him from coming in. You didn’t want him to try. He’d be dead.

You nod. “Okay… I’ll be here. Schedule is a little light today.” You joke, bringing a smile to his face.

“Good girl. Frankie, watch out for our princess and our baby. Anything changes, have Saha get me. I won’t be far.”

Frankie nods as Will gives him a goodbye kiss. Things had been… charged, this week. Sometimes you woke to the sound of muffled grunts, and for a moment you’d think it was the succubus again, but nothing touched you. You assumed they were getting each other off. Benny and Francisco were attached at the hip again, quite literally, and that made you happy.

You hear arguing outside, and all three of your heads snap towards the door. Rey and Pope.

Will is quick with his movements as Francisco squeezes your hand reassuringly, pulling a sheet over you to protect your limited modesty, although everyone in this household has seen you naked at this point. “I won’t let him hurt you, Madonna” He whispers in your ear, aiding you to sit up against the pillows, Will opening the door. 

“Get the hell off him!” Will bellows, and you quickly turn to Francisco. If Rey got hurt because of you, you could never forgive yourself.

“He wouldn’t let me in, he can’t defy my orders!” 

“He was following my orders, he’s my guardman, you don’t get to-”

“I AM YOUR GOD!”

“YOU ARE NOT ABOVE ME!” Voices are raised, and Will leaves the doorway, slamming Pope against the hall wall by his throat. You scream, Francisco pulling you closer, and when you look out the door you catch a glimpse of rey. He looked tired, his beard overgrown and his eyes baring dark circles. His long hair needed a brush.

Will continued. “If I remember correctly, Beatriz knocked you down to my level because you were too chicken shit to be the savior.” His tone was dark, hot breath against Pope’s face. “I’m happy to let you lead Delta, because that’s your department. But mine is the guardsmen and you can keep your fat fuck’n fingers off my men.”

There was quiet for a moment, in distinct whispering that you couldn’t understand. Then, Pope walked into the room. 

You whimper, clinging to your lover as he calls “Will?”

“Let him talk.” Will grumbles, scratching his beard. “He can’t hurt’er. Just let him talk. Told him he better be gone by the time Ben’s back, or we’ll have a problem.” He shot Pope a warning stare, then left for the armory. The door closes behind you, shutting you away from Rey.

Pope turned to Francisco first. “Leave.”

You expected Francisco to obey his husband, his leader, his brother… Instead. He gripped your hand tighter. It was shaking. “No.”

*

Reyansh paced outside the door of your bedroom where he’d be parked, night and day. Jonah and Iris would have to drag him away, promising Jonah would guard so he could sleep… but Rey didnt really trust Jonah to protect her. Things have changed now, Jonah didn’t have a gun. No one did. But that didn’t change the fact when Jonah had a gun, he never used it. Jonah was a coward, to scared to disrupt the staus quo for fear of fucking up more than he did before.

And that was a lot.

Pope exited the room, and Rey straightened up, glaring hard at him.

Pope glared right back. “Your days are numbered, Saha. Watch your fucking mouth before I show you why your whore girlfriend jumps at loud noises.”

He was going to kill him. He was going to wring Santiago’s stupid fucking neck and make him suffer for everything he did to Iris and you. He would. He just needed a fucking plan.

Watching Santiago walk off made him feel sick.

But watching Jonah walk toward your room gave him a headache.

“Jonah, now isn’t a good time.”

“It’s been a week.” He pushed past Rey, going for the door.

It hadn’t been relocked, and Jonah and Rey stumbled in after fighting for the handle. 

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, he’s leaving.” Rey tries to push Jonah out, apologizing to her and Francisco, hoping Ben doesn’t see. But you say it’s okay.

*

Jonah watches you, a thin sheet lightly covering your naked body. He tries to push the memories of it out of his head, remembering what you looked like, sobbing in pain, your skin burnt. 

“Hi.” Your soft voice breaks him out of his thoughts, looking at the way Frankie protectively holds you. Frankie had been completely distrought when he found out what happened, when Jonah road out to where he found Ben and Frankie fucking. It didn’t matter, and it had been far from the first time he’d seen any of them naked. The sex parties and orgies Francisco had been stepping away required guards too. You didn’t know about all that either, but he didn’t think you needed too today. There was more important information.

“Hey… honey I need to be honest with you.” Jonah sighs, scrubbing his face and trying to keep his cool. “I need to be honest about everything, every lie you’d been told about this fuck’n place, your dad-”

Frankie interrupted. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Jonah. She needs to rest.”

You turn your head to him, brows pinched together in a frown. “What? No, no I wanna know. You’ve lied to me?” 

“No, no Madonna it’s just… there's so much history in this house… You’ve had quite a scare, you just talked to santi-”

He turned back to the girl who has become like his daughter. “You talked to Santi?”

Jonah watches as you swallow deeply. “Yeah he um… He apologized…”

Frankie turned to you. “He did not, he talked circles around the subject until you were too confused to argue.”

“I know what he meant!” You looked back to Jonah. “And it’s fine. Everything’s fine.”

At that, Jonah groaned loudly, tugging at his hair as he began pacing the room. This was bad. You were so fucking brainwashed it was insane. “Honey, he’s fucking insane! He burned you! He raped you!”

“That’s not what happened!”

“He killed your dad!”

“My dad was a traitor to my community-”

“MARCUS LOVED YOU!”

There was silence, a dead silence that was common in this house. The kind of silence that haunts you because you can’t help but hear voices of friends vanished and gone. She needed to know. 

“This place… Honey, it’s evil. There evil bred into every fiber of these walls and there's no escaping it. Violence, rape, murder, it all mark every step you could possibly take. There is nothing here that could ever give you a happy life. It would be better if this place had burned down when the rebellion happened, let us all die… That’s why your dad wanted things to change.”

“Jonah.” Frankie pleaded. “Not now.”

But if not now, when? He looked at you, and you only.

“Your dad worked with Tom, that much is true. Marcus had a big part in planning the assassination but… so did I.” He watched your eyes get wider, your mouth more agape. “Marcus and I were friends, close friends… real close, we uh… we worked together pretty much every day, spent a lot of time talk’n ‘bout our daughters… I remember when he found you, actually…starving little thing, vultures flying above you ready for you to die… he was in love, instantly. He’d do anything to protect you, so when Tom came to him with the plan to overthrow the Garcia’s, he was in. He was the one who came to me about it, knew I wanted a better life for Iris.”

You blink. “But… you were the head of the guard… why would they doubt your loyalty?”

This was the hard part, the humiliating part. The part no one but Marcus and Frankie had known before, not even Iris. He could never tell her this. “I was… a consort, to Beatriz.” That part many knew, anyone higher up in the ranks knew that. What they didn’t know was he didn’t want it. “But I didn’t ask for that. I didn’t want it. I was. I was 19 when it started, Iris wasn’t even born yet and… I was just a kid, ya know? I didn’t know how to say no, I couldn’t say no to the most powerful person I knew, especially with my wife encouraging me… She thought it would mean special blessings on her and the baby in her but… Beatriz tried to have them both killed in childbirth. I’m lucky Iris survived.” He could hear his voice beginning to crack, so he moved on.

“I hated her. I hated her so fucking much for what she did to me…”

“And to me.” Frankie spoke, voice soft and barely audible, but the girl turned to him with tears in her eyes. 

“Francisco?”

He nodded. “Started when I was 19 too. She raised me… then started… that.”

Jonah continued. “She needed to die, honey. I know it’s a lot right now, but that bitch was batshit insane and no, she was no God. Neither are you husbands.”

Your face turns back to him, hardened. “Don’t say that.”

Glancing at Frankie, he knew this wasn’t the time to talk about that. Not yet. Focus.  Deprogramming took time. They had an opening, although certainly he was sickened at what happened to her, it did offer them a chance. 

“Tom planted Delilah with Will. He knew his type, and Delilah played the sweet, submissive girl well. She was… beautiful. She knew what she was doing. But I guess Will wasn’t the only one she was told to seduce.”

You nodded slightly. “Will told me…”

Of course he did. “I don’t know what he told you, but I loved her.”

“She was engaged.”

You couldn’t see the nuance. You couldn’t see that Will was a horrible person, that he didn’t deserve your sweet love, he didn’t deserve Delilah, that Delilah didn’t love Will… but she didn’t love him, either. She’d been sleeping with Tom the whole time. Part of Jonah still thought she loved him… but he was also aware Delilah wasn’t just a plant for Will, but for him. 

“She… convinced me, to join Tom. Whatever you think of my choice doesn’t really matter-”

“But it does!” Your eyes welled with tears, and unfamiliar anger on your face. “It does matter because it changed how I think about you, Jonah! I love you!” You sit up further, but cry out in pain. Your skin is still pulled tight from the scaring. Frankie hushes you gently, laying you down and keeping your skin covered as you breathe through the pain. Jonah walks to the otherside of the bed where you face, but Frankie speaks again.

“I really need you to go. This too much for her, she’s fragile right now-”

“I’m not fucking fragile!” You shout, surprising them both.

Jonah tries to get through to you, his voice pleading with her to understand. “You see the worst in everyone who your husbands deem the enemy, without question, without second thought-”

“I trust them!”

“You should trust yourself!”

Frankie barks at him to not yell at her, but Jonah ignores him, kneeling by your side and cupping your wet face in his hands. “Look inside yourself. This anxiety you have? It’s your intuition, it’s your gut screaming at you to get out, you aren’t safe! Marcus died trying to give you freedom, freedom you threw away!”

“I had no choice!”

“Exactly!” A small window. He took it, trying too hard to not hurt your face as he held it but keeping you focussed on him, not Frankie trying to break you away. “Exactly! How can it be love if you don’t have a choice?  Your father wanted to give you that-”

“Don’t talk about him!”

You were in hysterics now, snot and tears pouring down your face as you sobbed but he needed you to remember, pressing his forehead to yours. “Remember your father! Remember the tea parties and making ice cream in a bag! Remember the story times and playing horsey and pretending to fall asleep just so he’d carry you to bed! You have to remember how much he loved you or you’ll never get out of this alive!”

Jonah was thrown back, the hand fisted in his shirt throwing him into the side table. The vase full of flowers Frankie picked shattered on the ground. He head throbbed, but when he looked down his hand was bleeding. He hadn’t even noticed Frankie getting out of the bed, approaching him until Frankie threw Jonah away from his wife.

“What is wrong with you!” Frankie shouted. “She’s pregnant, she’s got half her body burned, are you trying to make her miscarry?”

“No! She needs to know the truth!”

“I can’t trust you! I can’t trust someone who sleeps with another man’s wife! Where are your boundaries, what kind of code do you have if you do that?”

Jonah groaned, not just in pain but frustration. “It wasn’t like that, it wasn’t about lust, I loved her, it was complicated-”

“Is that what Iris says when she sleeps with my husband?”

Now, yes, Jonah’s head hurts. He was disoriented. But he was sure he heard you right. Pausing, he looks up at you from the floor to where you sat up on the bed. Jonah sat up straighter as well. “What did you just say?”

Your face is angry, furious even. You don’t look like yourself but that’s good. He wants to break you out of the submissive good wife role you’ve been playing. “Yeah, your daughter is cheating on sweet, precious Rey!” You whisper harshly. Rey doesn’t know. Of course he doesn’t, because this isn’t cheating. Iris isn’t a cheater, and she hates Ben. Benjamin Miller is raping his daughter. “I walked in on them. Guess it runs in the family.” Cheating doesn’t. Being sexually abused by this fucked up cult apparently does.

Jonah gets up, determination on his face as he ignores you, ignores Frankie, and ignores Reyansh calling after him, asking what happened. He doesn’t know. If he knew, he wouldn’t just be sitting there. If he knew, he’d try to kill Ben and end up dead. He wasn’t risking Rey’s life like that, not when Iris needed him. Iris didn’t need Jonah, he was fucking useless to her… but he could make this right.

He was going to the armory, and he was going to kill Ben.

*

When Ben entered your bedchambers, it was clear you had been crying, body occasionally shaking as you took in a hiccuped breath but otherwise dead stared at the wall.  Frankie held your naked body as best he could without harming your wounds even more.

“What the hell happened now?” 

Frankie watched as he rushed to your side. What happened happened? Santi came to fuck with her brain again. Jonah made it worse. You can’t handle the vast amount of information that’s been presented to you the last… well… week. You aren’t talking, you've completely check out. He turned to Ben. 

“Santi came and… apologized. It’s been a lot for her…”

Ben gave a look of understanding, carefully brushing hair out of your face as he crawled into bed with Frankie. When he snuggled up next to him, Frankie could feel his hard on. “Well, that’s good. He didn’t mean to hurt you, he just cares a lot. You know how he gets. God of passion, all that.” 

Frankie could smell the sex on him. He could smell Santi on him. He pretended not to.

UH OH SPAGETTI OH'S

WERE SO BACK

So sorry it's been 5 ever, been v busy with my pride event. If you're interested in a trans reader and lots of LGBT rep (bi tess, Lesbian oc, Bill and Frank happy and in love) come read about a girl!

Thank you all for your patience!!! big thanks to Ciara for always hyping this story and thank you to Winnie for editing!!

Im so excited to hear your thoughts!!!

Did Jonah push Madonna too hard? How about Frankie standing up to Santi, even if its a small way by refusing to leave Madonna alone with him?

Poll Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh oh no oh shit oh fuck

I have absolutly NOT forgotten. About Palestine, however, I’ve had a couple of y’all. Let me know that you donated to doctors without borders for Palestine and I wanted to use my. I’ll be at limited platform to try and spread a bit of awareness. It may be raise a little bit of money for, another cause.

Save the children (which has absolutely nothing to do with QAnon who hijacked their hashtag) our currently supporting relief efforts in the Congo above our listed some quick facts that I hope you’ll take a moment to read, and if you can afford it, please consider making a donation. I have made a small one, but if we band together small donations make a difference

LOVE YOU ALL!

How to keep up with the story!

Comment on this masterlist that you want to be tagged and I'll tag you in updates (If you ask to be tagged, I ask you at least like the fic. Likes dont do anything to spread the work, but it at least lets me know you're still reading.)

Follow @romana-updates and/turn on notifications

Follow the tag Rooms on fire

Tags are working like SHIT these days for me and many, many others so make sure to follo wthe rooms on fire tag or my update account.

@winniethewife @femmeanonymelives @yorksgirl @pockcock @neverwheremoonchild @casa-boiardi @meveispunk @survivingandenduring @criticalarchitecture @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @obscurexsorrows @hellfire-state-of-mind @christinamadsen @pimosworld @princessanglophile @rubyfruitjungle @simple-lovebot @missdictatorme @campingwiththecharmings @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @javier-penas-wifexx420 @stefani-topaz @alwaysmicado @mjnomaryjane @incorrectclassicbookquotes @axshadows @ghostslillady @movievillainess721 @justagalwhowrites @charethcutestory02 @pixielouise-blog @gogh-with-the-flow @justafandomgvrl @katw474 @loveable-liar @arrozconpepitoria @minigirl87 @runa-falls @pedge-page @angel-of-the-moons @beefrobeefcal @pixielouise-blog @miraclesabound @oliveksmoked @bubble-pop-eclectic @corazondebeskar-reads @pedroshotwifey @umnitsa @koshkaj-blog @hiroikegawa @mangoslushcrush @withasideofmeg @sub-aro @wand-erer5

If I forgot someone or you'd like to be added/removed LMK!

[monstersinthecosmos]

If it's okay to ask, when and how did you get into the vampire chronicles? Love your fics btw !!

thank you!!!!! :D

I think the short answer is: I fell asleep watching the IWTV movie when I was 10 but I always remembered it and then a few years later I stumbled onto the book and went OH THERE'S A BOOK! and then I was done for.

But I'm trying to warm up to write so I'll give a long answer too 🤓

so like, I saw some of the IWTV movie when I was like 10 or so? (I'm old so it was 1998 when I was 10.) My friend wanted to watch it, it was like my Rich Friend when I was a kid, I remember distinctly that for some reason we had the opportunity to watch it in her mom's room on the big TV LOL so we were in there. I started watching horror films when I was like 6 and my anti-censorship parents didn't believe in even restricting R rated movies in the house so that all wasn't a big deal at all, and by age 11 I knew like all the words in Fright Night and From Dusk Till Dawn from watching them so much so I was excited for VAMPIRES!

HOWEVER, this movie was like a LITTLE too grown up and dry and I didn't really get it? And I know I fell asleep!!! 😂😂😂 So I have a really vivid memory of the rat wine scene, and that was about it. I'd also seen the last minute with Tom Cruise pulling the lace out of his sleeves on HBO one night or something, and those two parts like REALLY stuck with me vividly!!!

Cut a couple years ahead, now I'm 12. I'm having a sleepover at my best friend's house and she was like my baby bat friend that we like, discovered goth stuff together and got weird together and supported each other becoming the Weird Girls in school right? And we'd have sleepovers and stay up all night lighting candles and listening to Orgy and other silly music of The Year 2000 and we'd write like little RP stories about demons and whatever.

So we're sitting in her room and I'm just kinda spacing out and I see the word Vampire on one of the books on her shelf, and my like Baby Bat radar went off and I went WHAT'S THIS, A REAL ADULT PROPER NOVEL ABOUT VAMPIRES?? I don't think I'd read any! My friend was like "Oh yeah I stole it from my mom" !! lmao.

It was the red paperback of TVL! You know, this version!

NOW! I'm very spoiler averse and always have been so like, when I opened it up and realized it was BOOK 2 I was like, oH i cannot read this, what's book 1. OMG IWTV? THE RAT MOVIE?????

idk why but that excited me SO MUCH. Like my imagination went crazy. And I don't remember how I read IWTV, I might have gone and taken it out of the library? But I went back and read IWTV first!

(as a side note, the sleepover friend died when we were in our mid-20s, I just always want to pay respects when she comes up because what a special and influential person who was in my life at the exact right time and I will love her forever !! I cried about her in the shower last night out of nowhere lol.)

And like I was SO in love with IWTV and with the writing, like the writing just really spoke to me and like, changed the way I thought about mundane things so much! I think this was during summer break and I remember while I was reading IWTV, walking to my friend's house at night became SO sensuous to me, I remember looking up at the thick green leaves in the trees and like having that Anne Rice language in my brain just had me losing my mind constantly. EVERYTHING became so poetic to me and so beautiful, I was seeing beauty everywhere I looked.

Looking back like, one of the experiences I have of VC is that because I read it so young, I've had the chance to reread the books every so often and like, as I got older I'd get more and more out of them because I was like a kid and my reading wasn't very strong so there are definitely parts of the story that went over my head, either because my comprehension just missed it or because I was too young to like understand deep complicated emotions, idk?

But I got started on them that summer! It was sooo exciting. I used to peek at the page of Anne Rice's other works at the front of the book and it had all the VCs listed and I remember like, really enjoying the book and I would just be like giddy with excitement that there were ALL THESE OTHER BOOKS and I couldn't wait to find out what was in them?

For some reason, HBO or Starz or somebody was playing IWTV alllll the time that summer so I kept noticing that it was on and I was trying so hard to resist because I wanted to finish the book first and then watch it, and I remember at one point I was like WHAT IF I JUST TURN IT ON TO SEE WHAT SCENE IT IS?! and I turned it on and saw when Armand introduces himself and I was like ARMAND??? THERE'S A BOOK CALLED ARMAND! HE HAS A BOOK, HE MUST BE IMPORTANT??!?! I wasn't up to that part of the book yet!!!That was quite exciting.

But YEAH BASICALLY. That's how it started, and I spent the next two years reading VC! Looking back I don't actually know why it took me so long, because I know like, once I got a book I'd finish it in like 2 or 3 days LOL. Probably I was saving money to buy each book or I had to wait for my mom to take me to the library or something. Merrick was the most current book, too, and I was so excited to CATCH UP and then when I went to buy it I realized it was a MAYFAIR CROSSOVER so I had to take a few months to do the Mayfair detour LOL.

So anyway!!! That's basically what happened! It was like 2000-2001 and it was also the time when I discovered fanfiction ! And I had time to like, post a single VC on FF.net before the FF.net purge where they axed the Anne Rice categories and banned porn LMAO. When fandom moved over to LJ I had gotten into writing for other fandoms so I kinda fell out with the VC fandom. I also became really upset with Anne Rice when she had the Amazon meltdown and I was very fucking done supporting her for a really long time until I was recovering from a bad breakup and one night decided to get stoned and reread TOBT and it drew me back in.

I also coincidentally had fallen out of fandoming and writing fic for like, idk 8 years or so. When LJ died I just was so exhausted and gave up writing fic, and there's a whole other story about how my creative values changed when I was in college blah blah. But then like, some years went by, it was like 2016 or something and I decided to do a VC reread (stoned again, too, oops LOL) and I had made a silly meme on FB and my friend told me it would succeed on Tumblr. I was like I DIDNT KNOW THERE WAS A VC FANDOM ON TUMBLR??? But she was right and the meme did in fact blow up but it's on my old account with my real name so no one has to know it was me. But I went OH WOW THERE'S A FANDOM! So I created this blog to join the fun. 😂

And then like, I was rereading QOTD and I had just recently discovered AO3 (because remember I've survived several fic purges now I'm like, damn where are the kids posting fic these days lol) and would you believe how scandalized and upset I was when I went to read Devil's Minion porn on Ao3 and there WASN'T ANY LMAOOOO. So I was like, goddamnit, I have to write it myself lol. And that's how I got into writing VC fic as an adult after an 8 year fic hiatus. SO THAT WAS THAT that's how that happened that's why I am here today because I made really cool friends on VCblr and I decided to stick around.

This got longer than I intended but it was nice to sit here and bullshit for a minute, sorry if this was more information than you asked for. 😂😂😂

[fuckvictorvale]

hellooo could you please share the pages of the most iconic vicious quotes? I didnt tab my book the first time i read it and i have no time for a re-read 😵‍💫

(you can just share the page numbers btw! I’ll figure out the quotes somehow lmao) thanks ❤️

oh absolutely i can. this is like the best ask i've ever gotten

quotes and page numbers are below the cut. i have the american paperback version with the red cover in case there are differences in page numbers between editions

also last note before the quotes, i'm so curious what you're using them for. so if you're doing something fun with them, i would LOVE to know what it is but no pressure

All Eli had to do was smile. All Victor had to do was lie. Both proved frighteningly effective. -pg 17-18

Victor was out. Victor was free. And Victor was coming for Eli-- just as he'd promised he would. -pg 26

Hate was too simple a word. He and Eli were bonded, by blood and death and science. -pg 90

The paper called Eli a hero. The word made Victor laugh. Not just because it was absurd, but because it posed a question. If Eli really was a hero, and Victor meant to stop him, did that make him the villain? He took a long sip of his drink, tipped his head back against the couch, and decided he could live with that. -pg 91

..."I'm trying to figure out how this"-- he held up a blood-stained, but uninjured hand-- "is a reflection of me. Why would He give me--" "He?" asked Victor incredulously. He wasn't in the mood for God. Not this morning. "According to your thesis," he said, "an influx of adrenaline and a desire to survive gave you that talent. Not God. This isn't divinity, Eli. It's science and chance." "Maybe to a point, but when I climbed into that water, I put myself in His hands--" "No," snapped Victor. "You put yourself in mine." -pg 93

Victor Vale was not a fucking sidekick. -pg 96

"Would You take it back?" he asked the dark apartment. "If I were no longer of Your making, You would take this power back, wouldn't You?" Tears glistened in his eyes. "Wouldn't You?"..."You'd let me die."..."Wouldn't you?" -pg 216

"No, Sydney," he said. "I need you to stay here." "Why?" she asked. "Because you don't think I'm a bad person," he said. "And I don't want to prove you wrong." -pg 226

"There are no good men in this game," said Mitch. -pg 276

But these words people threw around-- humans, monsters, heroes, villains-- to Victor it was all just a matter of semantics. Someone could call themselves a hero and still walk around killing dozens. Someone else could be labeled a villain for trying to stop them. Plenty of humans were monstrous, and plenty of monsters knew how to play at being human. -pg 288-289

"I don't want to be forgotten." ..."Tell you what," said Victor. "You remember me, and I'll remember you, and that way we won't be forgotten." "That's shit logic, Vic." ..."To never dying." ..."To being remembered." ..."Forever." -pg 296

"I watch you and it's like watching two people." -pg 352

The entirety of pg 353 including "It's why I let you stay," said Victor. "Why I liked you. All that charm outside, all that evil inside. There was a monster under there, long before you died."// "You aren't some avenging angel, Eli," he said. "You're not blessed, or divine, or burdened. You're a science experiment." (AHHHH)// "You don't understand," gasped Eli. "No one understands." "When no one understands, that's usually a good sign that you're wrong. "You can't kill me, Victor," said Eli. "You know that." ..."I know"..."But you'll have to indulge me. I've waited so long to try."

Victor smiled. He was having a fabulous time killing Eli. -pg 355

And last but not least, an honorary Vengeful quote because it's one of my faves and one of the best. Victor stared at the wall as if it were still a window. "He doesn't know how patient you are," he said. "Doesn't know you like I do." Eli cleaned the blood from his hand. "No," he said softly. "No one ever has." -Vengeful, pg 318 (AHHHHHHHH) hopefully that gets you started! I have so many things highlighted or tabbed or underlined so sometimes it's hard to choose. also the ellipsis (...) indicate where i omitted things for the sake of just including the important parts. otherwise some of those quotes would have been longggg

[brongusthearcanist]

Sci-fi and Fantasy are linked in a strange way. Both deal with impossible premises and both typically have what we call "magic" but we don't normally call Sci-fi shenanigans magic, unless they are strictly spiritual. Sci-fi approaches the impossible as if it's simply not possible yet, and that this world has made a break through, allowing them to make this possible. Sci-fi also tends to spend a lot more time explaining how something works with science, or a modified version, while Fantasy explains it through the supernatural and mysticism.

Obviously no series in either category perfectly follows these rules. The cosmere explains that the supernatural is actually natural and measurable, therefore spiritualism is just another part of science. Star wars in my opinion does the opposite. It takes place in a society with future technology and all the trappings of Sci-fi, but it does it in a very fantasy way. Lightsabers are I think the best example, why would you ever need a sword when everyone else has laser guns, because cool fantasy that's why, it's a laser sword. The futuristic elements are portrayed with a mystic elements. And of course there is magic, they try to make is sciency later by explaining that the force is medicorians or whatever, but it still operates on a spiritual and mystical level, and truly isn't completely comprehensible. Which is in contrast to the Cosmere where all the mystical elements just feel like science that hasn't been explained yet.

Dune is where it gets a little weird to me. I think most people would put this in the hard Sci-fi camp, but I disagree. Yes this series is to Sci-fi what Lord of the Rings is to Fantasy, but I think there's a lot of Fantasy in there. I mean the voice? That's magic, Bene Gesseret being able to transmute substances in their body including poison? Magic. Prescience? It comes from a magic drug, made by magic worms! Yes the books do try to approach this from a very sciency way, but a lot of it just feels like magic, no matter how much Herbert tries to make it scientific. (Btw Sanderson's favorite book series other than the Wheel of Time is Dune, so you can definitely see a lot of his inspirations in this, in fact Taldain, the setting of white sands, is definitely just Cosmere Arrakis, like it even has its own version of sand trout.) There's also a shit ton of mysticism in Dune, and yes much of it is discussing the manufactured nature of religion and aspects of spirituality to control the masses, but there is also a sense that not all of it is made up, that the people in power are manipulating truth without really knowing what it is, just so they can get ahead and stay that way.

Obviously genre, especially in books are really just marketing terms designed to help find the right audience for a particular story. This is the same with YA. YA is an even less concrete genre as it requires very little. Mistborn was not originally marked as YA, it's an epic high fantasy, but after a couple years the boys at TOR figured out that it has a lot of the trappings of YA. It's fast paced, has a young strong female protagonist, a dark dystopian setting, and is written in pros that don't require an incredibly dense knowledge of vocabulary, making it easy to comprehend for all ages. It was a no-brainer for Tor to start printing a YA version(just a paperback with a different cover that is stylized in a way that is very common for YA). YA really just means a teenager could read this without feeling like it's homework. That's really it. There are a lot of people who hate YA for incredibly weird reasons. I personally am weary of YA, simply because I enjoy a slower plot with more room for nuance and sitting in the moment. YA tends to be more fast paced, which I enjoy, but it often comes at the cost of depth. There are a lot of YA books that I enjoy and a lot that I would enjoy if they were written to be a little more "boring". But some of y'all really just don't wanna read anything that is labeled as YA, and I'm positive it is just misogyny. Like y'all just don't wanna read books that are popular and "primarily" marketed towards women, and it's really, really pathetic.

I don't know how this turned into what it is, and I don't have a final point to end this on that will tie it all together. Enjoy this ADHD clusterfuck of a post where none of my points are truly taken to completion

I do not know how to end this, I just wanted to talk about it

[televinita]

Highlights of my Half Price Books Labor Day sale store tour (sightings & purchases edition):

Things Of Interest I Saw & Didn't Get:

-Both Flawless and Heartless by Elsie Silver. flipped through one out of curiosity, and JESUS CHRIST no I will not be reading those ever, ew.

-Magnolia Parks (incredibly ugly what-in-the-generic-2000s-chick-lit newer/traditionally published edition)

Side note: I really appreciate that at least my local branch has committed to putting the smuttier romance novels, even the popular ones (ex. Anna Huang's Kings Of... series), into their "erotica" section. It doesn't mean the ones in regular Romance are necessarily better, but it does help confirm which ones are guaranteed eyeball poison. I hope it also gives some people enough pause to think about their life and choices, confront what they're actually into instead of tee-heeing about ~spice~.

-The Bright Side by Kim Holden, newer & prettier cover edition, a book on my TBR that I can only get through I.L.L., but alas, the spine was not only wrinkled but fully bent into a backwards C. No, we're not spending more than $2 on that condition. >:( (bonus, now that I've had a chance to flip through it...eh, maybe I'm not that interested after all, the writing style doesn't feel that polished)

-The paperback edition of Fangirl with green sprayed edges and 2 color illustrations...which I should have but didn't realize were new for this edition, along with a new introduction, and damn, now I'm kinda mad at myself.

-If one were so inclined, one could have bought nearly the entirety of Colleen Hoover's backlist, including novellas, at a single location. You could do that at one of two locations, in fact.

-The Once Upon a Book Club special edition of A Diamond in London, in the regular section so I think no more than $10, with all its paper ephemera tucked inside. (tempting, but I already turned down an option to buy the full box on eBay for $30, in part because while beautiful, I'm not that enthused by the story. btw, fascinating that it's not listed on their website -- unless it was bought in the last 6 hours, they only have the trade paperback listed, and then this edition at $40).

-Dorothy Lyons horse book! Midnight Moon, for $35. It IS rare, but that's still more than I paid for my copy, and this one had a bit of the top of the spine bitten or torn off, no dust jacket either.

-Young Warriors: Stories of Strength, ed. Tamora Pierce, even though it was under $4, because I practiced miraculous restraint and reminded myself that I can get this through interlibrary loan and I'm literally only interested in her story and her introduction. How I had the strength to do this and still lost my mind later on is unknown, but at least I showed ONE ounce of restraint today.

-The massive Harry Potter World of Stickers book (truly tempting. but even $11.20 (the price after discount), while a great deal objectively, is a lot for stickers I know i won't use / a thick, heavy hardcover)

THINGS I GOT: (might photograph later but absolutely cannot guarantee it)

-A Mimi Matthews book! (Gentleman Jim, regrettably in its uglier original cover rather than the series-matching Perfectly Proper Press one but I'll still take it for access reasons)

-TWO Betty Cavanna books! (ugly Berkley Highland mass-market photo cover editions, and not ones I know or or am that excited about -- A Time for Tenderness and Stars In Her Eyes -- but I will literally buy anything from her. Also they were $3 each and came in plastic sleeves and, if ugly, are at least in perfect condition).

-Speaking of mass market vintage children's paperbacks in plastic sleeves, The Ghost of Five Owl Farm by Wilson Gage because I read another one of her books earlier this year and liked it. Also it was only $2.

-Did You Hear About the Morgans on DVD (clearance) so now we shall never be parted. 🥰

-I did in fact get the $3 pink edition of Fangirl, even though its spine is sun-faded, because I have spent fully two years now looking at the regular price of $10 and continually saying no to it. I just wanted the interior art!

-The Once Upon a Book Club special edition of The Lost Melody by Joanna Davidson Politano, also with its paper ephemera tucked inside, because that one I was somewhat tempted by when it was new, just not enough to get the full box. And it's even prettier than The Diamond of London, and it was only $6, even before the sale.

-Book 3 in the Alanna quartet by Tamora Pierce, in the pretty Atheneum trade paperback editions I'm collecting, on clearance for $2! Just one more I need now, I think. But should probably double-check.

-The Princesses of Iowa which wasn't even on my want-to-own list, but I happened to randomly spot it while walking past, where it was misshelved in adult fiction, and that felt like...a sign? Tell me why I spent $4.20 + tax on this though, even if it IS a pristine paperback, just because I felt surprisingly fondly toward it when I read it. (and it's pretty i guess)

-Scripted Unscripted, a random young-end-of-YA novel on clearance because damn it the cover is so cute and also I simply could not walk away from a premise of "daughter who normally helps her dog-trainer father on Hollywood movie sets randomly gets pulled to work in front of the camera."

[taegularities]

ive just finished reading a book that shattered my heart into infinite pieces and i am not even joking a bit. i knew that the book was as good once i started crying and tears never stopped. i think 70% of that book was me crying. now i have swollen eyelids lol. i never cried so much over something since i watched Hachiko the movie. like real sob, sounds coming out from my mouth, the real hurting package thing :(

now i need another book as beautiful as this one. and i don’t think i would recovered from this one yet. she even mentionned one direction’s songs to describe the relationship between the two mc. i am fucking torn. oh btw the book is « a thousand boy kisses » by Tillie Cole. have you ever heard about it?

have you any recommendations? also i am debating myself to buy a kindle. although i do like the idea of paper book, idk. i spend most of my nights reading ff to be honest but since last month i can’t find any that is why i switch back to « real » book again. although i think i missed a lot of your series too i have to read them.

that made me think, is there any books that made you to start writing? how did you find telling yourself that you wanted to write? would you considered it as an hobbie or a passion? pardon me if you had already answered those questions in the past too. in that book i’ve read, author was talking a lot about passion and made me realize that besides piano - i am unfortunately not really into it anymore - i don’t have any. like isn’t it beautiful to say that we had something to hold on, to escape? i miss that..

i talked a lot today lol i am so sorry. oh and if any of your followers as any book recommandations (not ff too), i take!!! 🤎

oh gosh, babe.. have you recovered from it yet? i know that feeling so well. some stories just stay with us and are hard, if not impossible to forget. i know it hurts, but i'm also glad you found a book you could enjoy the way you did. i haven't heard of it, by the way! but just googled it, and it sounds beautiful. soulmate au :(

i wish i could rec stories, but i think it's genuinely been years since i read a proper book. i know 'me before you' and its sequel made me cry :') definitely get that kindle if you've been reading a lot these days! i do prefer paperback, too, but i get the appeal of an e-book.

yeah, honestly, that's gonna sound extremely mainstream, but books that made me write were john green's stories, the novel 'every day' by david levithan and (okay, don't laugh pls lol), but ed sheeran's songs. there's beauty in all those – a lot of talk of love and the stars, of soft and sweet things. which is probably why my writing ended up the way it is today? but i've always written tbh… i enjoyed reading and at some point, i started a random ass story back when i was 13 or so (it was horrible) and then wrote my first stuff in english when i started this blog. i wanted to try it out. play with words, see if i'm any good at it? and yeah, now i'm kinda in love with it and trying to be better every day <3 so i'd say it's both a hobby and a passion. truly an activity i enjoy the most.

it's beautiful to have something like this, true. i hope you find your passion, too <3 and tbh, i'm so grateful you asked all that? bc i love talking about these things.. like what, you're actually interested in me and getting to know me?? i'll blush lol :') love you <3

[menkhu]

RULES: answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions.

ahh thank you for the tag @jxstnn !! btw the confusing questions were referencing dragon age and mass effect respectively

coke or pepsi: water :)

disney or dreamworks: i don't really do movies

coffee or tea: a few favorite teas>coffee>most tea

books or movies: books

windows or mac: windows, i've got a sniper trained on apple inc and i'm waiting to line up that perfect shot

dc or marvel: the only superhero i care about is spider-man

x-box or playstation: pc

dragon age or mass effect: both but i have to say dragon age as a fantasy lover

night owl or early riser: huge night owl, coming at you from 2am

cards or chess: cards

chocolate or vanilla: chocolate

vans or converse: whatever's in the clearance aisle tbh

Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar: idr inquisition that well but i do think being able to play as a qunari is rad as hell

fluff or angst: fluff < angst < fluff and angst

beach or forest: forest

dogs or cats: cats, doggy kisses are too gross to me

clear skies or rain: clear skies, i am photosynthetic

cooking or eating out: cooking

spicy food or mild food: mild, by a small margin

halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: crimbus; i love gift giving and gift receiving and reciprocal kindness

would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: a little too hot

if you could have a superpower, what would it be: healing; i wish to relieve your burdens

animation or live action: live action but also both

paragon or renegade: paragon, mean dialogue options make me sad

baths or showers: showers

team cap or team ironman: team spider-man, the only superhero i care about

fantasy or sci-fi: fantasy

do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so what are they: oh man i gotta remember stuff? you're getting some favorite song lyrics instead: "they don't understand; i'm not what they think i am" -waterman, userx "kill them with kindness; i'm so polite i know all the right knives to use" -fight! sophie hunter "you ain't gotta boo me just to tell me that i love wrong; gloves on" -gloves on, 80purpp "do you wanna kill time in aisle 3 with frozen food" - hospitals, shiny wet machine

youtube or netflix: yohoho

harry potter or percy jackson: nah

when do you feel accomplished: when i laugh at my own jokes while writing

star wars or star trek: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

paperback books or hardcover books: audiobooks

to live in a world without literature or without music?: sorry music i love you but writing is part of my soul

who was the last person to make you laugh? a discord friend

city or countryside? countryside

favorite chips? pringles

pants or dresses? dresses, free the knees!

libraries or museums? libraries

character driven stories or plot driven stories? character driven

bookmarks or folding pages? telling myself i'm gonna remember the page number and then forgetting the page number

Dream job? that's the question isn't it

What gives you comfort? baking with friends, rambling at friends, stardew valley

what are some of your favorite song lyrics?

Tagging: @kcvagabond @dingbingbats @wheelie-butch @lunalucykat @nessietessie @cornflower-fields

[samtheacesheep]

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?

20. If a witch offered you the choice between eternal happiness with your one true love and the ability to finally finish, perfect, and publish your dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP in exactly the way you've always imagined it — which would you choose? You can’t have both sorry, life’s a bitch

ALSO FOR THE RECORD YOU CAN TOTALLY HAVE BOTH ON THAT LAST ONE *GESTURES TO ME AND PYXE*

10. Has a piece of writing ever \"haunted\" you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?: 

There’s a few examples of this for me. The first fandom I was ever in was the MLP fandom- more specifically, mlp equestria girls. And there is one specific fic I read, probably one of the FIRST fanfiction I EVER read, that has probably affected my own writing- both fic and original- in hundreds of ways. It was an angst fic about Sunset Shimmer, who was my favourite character. I don’t even remember if it was good, I was like 13 so my taste wasn’t exactly discerning, but I remember how much it affected me. I reread it over and over again, and I’d say that it really affected how I write, and the subjects I choose to write about.

Even earlier, my favourite author as a child was Jaqueline Wilson. Her specialty was The Kids Are Not Ok, essentially- the main characters in her books were always going through a lot. So I can see how her books also affected how I write. Also, her autobiography made me want to be an author, so there’s that. Thanks JW for the life’s purpose :) 

With both of those examples, I mean haunting in that I can see how they affected me in how I write, in what I write- they’re both there in my stories. 

There’s other pieces of writing that have haunted me more in a “god I can’t stop thinking about this” way- I read Sleep Over recently, brilliant horror book that really affected me. The Locked Tomb series, obviously. Definitely some fanfics I’ve read that I couldn’t stop thinking about for ages- I lie awake at night thinking about them. 

As for my own writing, generally when I get really into an idea I can’t stop thinking about it. I start relating everything to it. 

that got longer than I was planning, oops 

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

1: My plan for the dwampyverse fantasy au is… ambitious, and would be 5 longfics if I wrote all of them the way I want to (obviously the existing mml fantasy au fic is one, so 4 to write). Genie, please let me keep my ambition and motivation to finish them all? Please? I’m so passionate about this project don’t let me lose interest don't let me-

2: Motivation to write an original novel would be good

3: More time to write lol

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?: 

I do all of those things. (although I don’t do it to nice hardcovers, and obviously not to borrowed books or library books). I don’t mind my paperback books being a bit well loved, and I kinda prefer the way they look AFTER they’ve been read- battered and dog eared. 

So obviously I have literally no room to judge anyone doing anything to their books, and I don’t mind someone dog earing my books if I lend them out. However if someone damages a library book I will kill and bite and stab

20. If a witch offered you the choice between eternal happiness with your one true love and the ability to finally finish, perfect, and publish your dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP in exactly the way you've always imagined it — which would you choose? You can’t have both sorry, life’s a bitch: 

I’d love a true love and all that… but im gonna have to go with the wip. I’ve always wanted to be a published author and write an epic fantasy series

[goddessofthedawn]

I posted 1,157 times in 2022

1 post created (0%)

1,156 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@elytrians

@whyisthisfrenchguymasturbating

@nitewrighter

@conjinkies

@4lph4kidz

I tagged 533 of my posts in 2022

#homestuck - 118 posts

#dangan ronpa - 48 posts

#south park - 37 posts

#michael wood - 29 posts

#i should make a happy things tag - 25 posts

#dirk strider - 20 posts

#metallica - 19 posts

#kenny mccormick - 17 posts

#kiyotaka ishimaru - 15 posts

#gnr - 14 posts

Longest Tag: 103 characters

#it's getting more common but most of the people with my name are literal children and i am 25 years old

My Top Posts in 2022:

reminder that i am a self-published author and have... several... books out, all available on amazon. kindle is 99c and always will be as cheap as amazon will let me make them. but! let's describe these books. all of them unless otherwise stated have lgbtqia+ characters, often main characters

first there's the pentalogy of hell series. first book is iscariot. the whole main part of the series, not counting novellas and companions, is out. this series is available in hardcover as well as paperback and kindle. it is not as religious as it sounds. mostly it's me co-opting christian mythology?? it's about kids who go to hell and they have a lot of fun there. beyr is also a part of this series as like a companion.

abnormal murders series. first book is serial killers with cookies. second book is coming out SOON. follows justine after her parents are murdered by uh. serial killers with cookies. she gets pretty morally gray as the series goes on. she just loves vigilante justice.

next is columbiner. which is just a little novella about the dangers of those columbine fangirls, essentially. idk how popular it is anymore but when i was in college they were everywhere on tumblr. no lgbt+ rep but then again there's no romance total.

vendettic trilogy! first book is spahn. follows the stupidest bisexual alive as he and his heavy metal band in the early 80s try to navigate "all this demon shit." it's not fanfiction no matter how much it might look like it. first two books are out.

like hell. kinda experimental. follows this kid brendan and his relationship with drew, who is coming from an extremely abusive home. i always describe this one was being about "friendship, revenge, and killing your mom's boyfriend". except they might not actually be just friends.

the crucifixion of craig knox! this is my west memphis 3 book. if you are familiar with the case this will be very familiar. if not, this is about a kid who, through his association with the town goth in the early 90s, is implicated for the murder of a couple of little boys. btw if we're talking about wm3 the trial for the possibility of dna testing is uh. comin up here. let's get those boys exonerated.

next is the aughts boys series which is more of a set of companion novels. the "first" book is one more sad song, which follows zeke in 2004 as he navigates his crush on his best friend after his best friend gets a girlfriend. also he likes skateboarding and hates his dad. the second one is the horror at camp new woods and takes place the summer before omss. it follows elliot at murder camp. the third one is right or wrong and it takes place the year before omss. it follows luke, who's new best friend bullies a kid to suicide and that's a lot. you don't have to read them in order. or all of them. if you just wanna read about murder camp you can do that. there will be more books in the series. like. a lot more.

tinon trilogy! only one book right now, circus wings. an actual fantasy series. follows environmentally-conscious lesbian princess and her guard who is just fed up with her shit.

i have two short story/essay collections. first is rewind, which is just short stories. second is life in anachronism, which also has some creative nonfiction essays.

aaand finally. carl & jimmy. which is just. it's weird. maybe don't read carl & jimmy.

3 notes - Posted June 18, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[captain-of-the-historicfuture]

This or That

(Reading/Books Edition)

Thank you so much for the tag, @writingamongthecoloredroses! (I’m honoured you thought of me. 😁)

hardcover or paperback / rent or buy / reads in silence or reads with music / standalone or series / annotations or pristine pages / ebook or physical copy / dog ears or bookmarks / mismatched series or complete set / cover matters or you don’t judge / lend books or keep them to yourself / enjoys lit classes or despises them / browses shops or orders online / reads reviews or goes in blind / unreturned books or clean library record / rereads or once was enough / fanfic enthusiast or a stickler for canon / deep reader or easily distracted / must read the book before seeing the movie or order doesn’t matter / neat bookshelves or messy bookshelves / skips ahead or resists temptation / reads aloud or in your head / guesses plot twists or never sees them coming

I’m tagging @catastrophic-writer, @claudiafanofmanythings, @convenient-plot-device, @eln0r, @girlwitharabbitheart, @invictusmaneo, @ooneironaut, @pineapple-stalker, @pjane, and @reeselisbon! No pressure though. Hope y’all have fun with it! :)

[yutatube]

Cigarettes After Sex

Genre: frat boy!suna au, enemies to fwb to lovers, toxic relationship, hurt to comfort, fuck boy shit.

Summary: Suna Rintarō’s reputation precedes him, it’s obvious when his newest target has no interest in playing his little game. Determined to add your heart to his collection of broken trophies, he is willing to do anything and everything to make your heart his.

Rating: 18+

Warnings: minor character death, smut, cunnilingus, toxicity, drunk driving, drinking, smoking, mentions of weed.

Collab: @saintobio’s frat au collab

A/N: @iheart-shigaraki helped me out a bit with this just to make sure it's not total shit. Btw, Sincerely Not is a series written by Saint, you should check it out.

“It's leading me on, every time we touch. Leading me on, every time it hurts. Feeling so lonely, 'cause it's not enough. Missin' you only ever since we fell in love.”

If there were a trait that solidified the perception that Suna Rintarō was a terrible person, it would be the absolute power trip he felt when he took the heart of a sweet innocent girl. He ripped it out and tore it to pieces, watching as she fell to her knees, begging him to never leave her. The look of woe that adorned their wet eyes, brimming with salty tears, was enough to give him a better high than weed ever could. He truly loved the feeling of holding a girl's heart in his hand, all her feelings controlled by him. He knew he was awful, but he didn’t care.

“Aye, get yer head of the clouds. I’m talkin’ to ya.” Atsumu’s voice drew Rintarō’s attention back to his bothersome fraternity brother. “What’re you even lookin’ at?”

“Huh? Nothing. Mind your business.” Suna’s eyes never left the girl, causing Atsumu to follow the invisible line that his hard stare created. His eyes landed on a girl in the back of the lecture hall, and even Atsumu could tell that she was a fucking stunner. Her hair lazily fell over her shoulders as she concentrated on the book in her hands. She was that quiet type of beauty most only admired from afar and 100% the type of girl Rintarō wants to break.

Turning his relaxed gaze back to his fox-like friend, a knowing smirk crawled onto Atsumu’s face as he rested his cheek in the palm of his hand. “Oh, I see. Found a new target, Rin?”

A small, barely noticeable smirk embellished Suna’s features as he readjusted in his seat. A mischievous glint shone brightly in his jade eyes, “Yeah, think so.”

“Hey, stranger.” A voice laced with tiredness pulled you out of the fictional world of Sincerely Not. Annoyed by the distraction, you glanced up with an exasperated look and found that standing before you was Tokyo University’s favorite frat boy. Suna Rintarō.

His tired eyes met yours, bangs parted in the middle, and sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Knowing that he was nothing but bad news, you chose to ignore him and dove back into your book.

“Oi, don’t ignore me. I’m talking to you.” As he dropped his backpack to the floor, he slumped into the seat across from you. His muscles flexed as he leaned against the table, placing his head in his hands. Noticing that you would rather read your book than talk to him, he grabbed the paperback out of your hand and tossed it to the side.

Gritting your teeth together, you tried your best to keep your composure. “That wasn’t bookmarked.”

“Hm, my bad.” Despite his seemingly apologetic words, his tone indicated that he couldn’t give a rat’s ass. You noticed how his eyes looked you up and down, devouring every part of you. His eyes lingered on your body, and that only fanned the flame of your anger. Who does this pompous asshole think he is?

“If you think I'm going to let you check me out, then you can leave. This is supposed to be a quiet, peaceful place. Somewhere you clearly don’t belong.” He was taken back by your attitude and quick wit. You certainly weren’t going to be an easy catch, but that just made you all the more enticing.

“No shit, I don’t belong here. I haven’t been to a library since they forced us to pick out a book in middle school.” His careless words only ground your gears even harder. The way he acted, in the same manner, careless, was just as aggravating. You narrowed your eyes at him, watching as he pulled on a lazy smirk. He rocked back and forth in the chair, almost falling each time. It made you want to go over there and knock him over yourself. Maybe if you hit him hard enough, he'd learn some respect.

The rising heat that bubbled from the pits of your stomach caused your body to shake with rage. You knew of his reputation and saw how the girls he broke fell apart. Someone you knew even dropped out of school because of him.

Slouching into your chair, you let out an exasperated sigh. “Why are you here, Suna?”

“You have a nice ass.” His blunt, lewd answer caught you off guard. What the actual fuck?

Taking your book from across the table, you carefully shoved it into your bag and slung it over your shoulder. You didn’t say a word as you left him at the table.

“Wait, where are you going?" He finally fell back in his chair. "That was a compliment!”

“Don’t care.” You responded before you exited the building.

Chuckling to himself, he was left thinking about you.

‘What am I going to do to you?’

If there was something you were absolutely certain of, it was the indisputable fact that Suna Rintarō was the most annoying, aggravating, relentless piece of shit you have ever met. Day after day he made it his job to find you.

For the past two months, he has been bothering you any chance he gets. At lunch, he’ll sit with you and talk the entire time.

During your alone time in the library, he converts that into “us” time by making himself comfortable next to you. You learned to drown out the sound of his voice, but before long, he would snatch the book from your hands.

When you’re walking to your apartment, he walks beside you as he attempts to show you his recording of the Miya Twins’ latest fight. He says that you should feel special since everyone else has to pay to see it.

In this present moment, you have never wanted to punch him more.

You found a new reading spot under a sakura tree. It was a quiet place. Wind whistling, birds singing and the sun shining down on your face. You found comfort in the warmth. In the silence. Away from Suna.

After a few days, he found you.

Now, he held your book over his head and taunted you for not being any taller than 5’10.

“Why do you even like this book so much?” He questioned, waving the book around as he yawned.

“Why do you yawn so much?” You retorted as you analyzed all the different ways you could get your book back. Maybe if you punched him hard enough, he'd drop it. You smiled at the thought as you took a new cigarette out of its container and lit it. Inhaling the tobacco, and exhaling the smoke, you felt a little more relaxed.

“I have sleep problems." He answered, speaking through his cough from the secondhand smoke. "Anyways, this book doesn’t even seem interesting.” He studied the cover. “What’s it even about?”

Rolling your eyes, you purse your lips together, your cigarette dangling from the corner of your mouth as you debated whether or not you should tell him. “Why do you want to know? It’s not like you’re going to read it.”

“Just tell me, Y/N.” He handed the book back to you and took a seat on the blanket. Making himself comfortable, he glanced at the food you had prepared for yourself, then back to you, and back to the food again. He quickly took the container of berries and started to feed himself, popping multiple strawberries in his mouth.

Sitting next to him, you let out a small, breathy chuckle. He reminded you of a hungry child at that moment. Cheeks puffed out, and eyes sparkling as he savored the taste.

“Well, it’s about these really rich people who are arranged to marry each other. You see, they were childhood friends, but lost contact as they took different paths in life.”

He watched as your eyes lit up while you explained the story of Sincerely Not. With a smile, you rambled on about the book, using your hands to talk in between your drags. You only stopped yourself when you remembered who exactly you were talking to.

You were right, he wasn’t going to read it, but he did enjoy watching you talk instead of flipping him off and ignoring him.

The way a person spoke about the things they were passionate about was always a beautiful thing to see. The way their smiles got a little brighter and their days got a little bit better. It brought people together. Sharing something as personal as your passions always did.

He was going to have your heart in no time.

By the time October rolled around you had warmed up to him. Tremendously.

You weren’t really sure how you got into this situation. Maybe it was when you told him that he has small dick energy, but it’s not like you could think right now. Not with his dick rhythmically pushing in and out of you.

You were bent over on the sink, forced to watch as Suna fucked you from behind in the boys’ bathroom. Your eyes watched as your boobs bounced with every stroke of his hips, and you’d be damned if you weren’t aroused by this. He kept his eyes locked on yours as he fucked into you relentlessly.

Despite the pure annoyance he brought to your life, he sure knew how to fuck. Even if you wanted to deny it, the moans that rippled from your throat proved otherwise. The way he so easily found your G-spot and repeatedly hit it over and over, harder each time, had you shaking. It had you begging for more each time.

You couldn’t stay away and he knew it. He was addicting.

“G-od, I hate you. You-you know that?” You whimpered as pleasure spread throughout your body. You could feel his hot breath tickle the back of your neck. Every touch of his fingertips was burning and intoxicating all at the same time. You couldn't get enough.

“Good,” he growled as he slid a hand down to your wet cunt. “What do you think happens to us after we die?”

‘Seriously? Is that what he’s thinking about right now?’

“We-well, I read Percy Jackson,” you tried to speak, but between his pointer and middle finger rubbing circles against your clit, and his thick cock pumping in and out of you, you found it difficult.

“And?” He breathed out, placing a wet kiss below your ear. “That wasn’t an answer.”

Your head leaned back against his shoulder. The moment your eyes met, an overwhelming feeling washed over you. It was as if something within both of you mixed together, like two different paints blending to become one.

His flaming fingertips painted beautiful colors against your skin. He was warm, like a campfire on a warm summer night. The crackle of fire comforting you as you melted in his hands.

“We become stars.” Was your final answer before you both met your climax and your juices mixed like the two paints.

“God, you’re so tight, Y/N.”

And the moment was ruined. Way to go, Suna.

Peeling yourself away from him, you pulled your pants back up, and fixed yourself as best as you could so you could pretend that you didn’t just get fucked from behind by the fuckboy you hate with a passion.

“I still hate your guts, don’t forget that.” And with that, you walked out of the bathroom and out the doors of the dining hall.

Despite how much you despised the self-absorbed asshole, you wanted to keep up your routine of smoking a cigarette after a good fuck, and damn, was he a good fuck. Leaning against the old, hoary brick wall, you took out a cigarette and tried to light it. With the dewy air from the previous rain shower and shaky hands from the cold October breeze, you struggled to light it.

After finishing your book, you immediately started it over again. Something about this story and the captivating writing just couldn't keep you away. The author had a way with words. The way you hung on every word was addicting.

It was refreshing.

With your phone tossed to the side, you laid on your bedroom floor, nose buried in the used paperback book as usual. The book was well-loved with tattered and yellowing pages.

The buzzing of your phone put a momentary cease to your reading. Annoyed and forced back into the real world, you fished your phone from across the room and read your messages.

New message

Suna: costume party Friday 9:30 pm

With an exasperated huff, you responded with the simple word "No.”

Suna: Your coming

Suna: It'll be fun

You: No. I'm reading.

You never thought of parties as anything special. In fact, they just gave you a headache. With all the annoying loudmouth assholes and drunk party girls, you just didn't find any enjoyment in them. Besides, intoxicated men were even more of a hassle to shake off than sober men. You simply didn't have the energy.

Suna: Fine I'll just post that video of you sucking me off ;) Compensation for making me go alone

You: Fine. I'll come. Jesus.

Suna: Atta girl

So here you were, Halloween night stuck at a party with Suna fucking Rintarō. Except, he hadn't shown up yet. Sitting in the far corner, a light drink in your hand, you watched the door. Many familiar faces came and went, but none of them were Suna's. You even threw together a last-minute costume, wearing a bloody doctor uniform, fake knife and all.

Sighing deeply, you stood up, ready to leave. He forced you to come, and the asshole doesn't even show. Typical.

"Looking for me?" Those familiar flaming fingertips ghosted along your hips. Suna's voice hummed behind you. He was so close you could feel his breaths tickle the back of your neck.

Turning around to greet him, you were shocked to see his costume.

"What the hell are you wearing?" You snorted, almost spilling your drink. Suna's costume was a white sexy nurse uniform. The short dress rode up his muscular thighs and the low-cut collar showed off his chest. It was even complete with a small hat with a red cross on it.

Suna scoffed, snatching the hat off. "I lost a bet. Ignore it."

You laughed, throwing your head back and squeezing your eyes shut. You had the type of laugh to make everyone stop in their tracks and listen to the angelic sound. Like all good things, it ended far too quickly.

Suna smiled. "Yeah, you think this is funny? Well, we're matching costumes, so laugh it up, baby. We look like a real couple now."

Your laughter died down immediately. "That's not funny."

"Really?" He inquired, taking the drink from your hands. "I find it hilarious." He downed the rest of your drink, nose scrunching in disgust. "The hell is this? There's barely any alcohol in here."

You rolled your eyes, "I drove here. I'm not trying to get drunk."

"Boring," He deadpanned. "Stay here. I'll get you a real drink."

The mixed smells of drinks and smokes flooded your nose. The sound of the bumping music accompanied by the whoops and hollers of drunken college students was more than annoying. And here comes Suna, the biggest headache of them all with your drink.

"You didn't put anything in it, did you?"

He scoffed, offended. "You really think that lowly of me? I'm hurt."

You put your hands up in defense before taking the drink. "You can never be too careful." The drink had a sharp taste, not very good, but what did it matter? Alcohol was alcohol.

His lips quirked upward as he watched your sour face force the drink down. "Not your taste?"

"It's disgusting." You couldn't take him seriously in that costume. "Now, put your stupid little hat back on. You dragged me out here. We might as well have some fun."

"Give me a second. I have to do something first."

You rolled your eyes, a common occurrence when you were with him. "Don't get lost." You teased.

And with those words, he disappeared, leaving you alone once again.

Bored, not knowing what else to do with yourself, you started dancing. You felt the music flow through you like it was the blood in your veins. There was something about music that was always so captivating.

"Y/N!" A voice called. You didn't recognize him. You probably had a few classes with him here and there. He was waving you over, and as much as you hated being here, it was better than being bored out of your mind, so you made your way over to the group.

"Play spin the bottle with us." He smiled. The rest of the group cheered. With a shrug of your shoulders, you downed the rest of your drink and sat with them.

“Sure, why not?”

You weren’t exactly sure what had happened, it was like your mind left your body, and then you came back to Earth all wasted while making out with some dude on the couch. You can’t say you were enjoying it, not when you had experienced how Suna could make you feel, but it was good enough.

The guy was sloppy, clearly inexperienced, and boring. It was like he was a high school boy who thought he was all that when in actuality, he was a pile of shit. He was wearing a catboy costume, so you weren’t really sure what you had expected from him.

“-N, Y/N, Y/N!” A loud, familiar voice broke the trance you were in. You pulled yourself away from the wannabe and look towards where the voice came from. It was Suna.

“What are you doing?” As upset as he seemed, you struggled to take him seriously when he was dressed like that. The dress already had a hole by his hips, revealing his wrinkled boxers.

“What do you mean?” You attempted to take a stand but wobbled a bit from intoxication.

“You came here with me, but you’re making out with some other guy. Are you that desperate for attention?” You knew he was drunk, you knew he was an idiot, but his words still hurt. It was like after all the time you spent together, the late nights and interrupted quiet time, you had forgotten exactly who he was. He was Suna fucking Rinatarō, master asshole and fuckboy.

Letting out a scoff, you pushed past him, bumping your shoulder into his body, “go fuck yourself, Suna.”

“Where do you think you’re going?” He hollered out, chasing after you.

“You don’t get to just say shit like that. You’re acting like I cheated on you.” You patted down your body in search of your keys, desperate to get away from the boy with mood swings that could give you whiplash. You were so not dealing with this today. He invited you—no, blackmailed you—and has the audacity to act like this? Unbelievable.

“I mean, you kinda did cheat.” He spat back, his tone laced with harsh, poisonous venom.

Turning around sharply, you sent the 6’1 man-child a cold, spine-chilling glare. “I cheated on you? Okay, let’s turn that around. If that’s cheating, then so were all the girls you’ve slept with within the past month. Let’s get one thing fucking clear, Suna. It’s not cheating if I wasn’t with your ass.”

“You’re such a bitch.” Despite it being a pitiful excuse for a comeback, it still stung. It hurt only because it came from him.

“So are you. I know your little secrets, too. Your sister told me.” You bit back as you gestured to the phone in your hand.

“Oh really?” He scoffed, rolling his eyes, “what secrets do I have? Please tell, Y/N.”

“I know I’m nothing more than another heart for you to break. Akira told me everything, starting with your bet with Atsumu and ending with your little black book that holds the names of all the girls you broke. You’re really disgusting.” Your eyes started to tear up as you remembered that. That’s all you ever were and all you were ever going to be. Just another heart for him to heal.

“You’d be lucky to be a name in that book.” He rolled his eyes, and let out a scoff. Who were you to judge him for how he lived his life?

“Please, go fuck yourself.” And with that, you walked off in search of your car. You didn't care that you weren't in the right state to drive, all you knew was that you needed to get away from Suna.

For the past few weeks, you had been sticking to the routine of what your life had been like before you had ever met Suna Rinatarō. You slept, you went to your classes, you reread Sincerely Not, you ate, and then you slept again. Despite its simplicity, you couldn’t help but feel somewhat empty without that arrogant asshole. He filled the lonely moments in your life with laughter, pleasure, and annoyance. Guess what they say is true. You only know what you want when it’s gone.

Currently, you were curled up on your couch with your beloved copy of Sincerely Not in your hand. Even though you were reading the words, you struggled to comprehend them since your mind kept wandering elsewhere. Elsewhere to a certain fox-eyed boy.

Looking up from the pages, you watch the snow dance through the grey skies as they fell to the ground. It was the first snowfall of the year, and albeit quite early, you enjoyed the comfort it brought. You always preferred snowy weather. When the world falls silent, and the snow soaks up any sound the earth sings. The silent peace was heavy in your heart.

With the quiet comes the thoughts you had previously pushed aside. Thoughts of the future, thoughts of the past, and more recently, thoughts of Suna.

As if on cue, a knock on the door disturbed your quiet. Tucking the bookmark between the pages, you set it down beside you and walked over to the door. Peeking through the peephole, your heart started to quicken at the sight of Suna in front of your door with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a copy of Pride and Prejudice in the other.

Opening the door just enough for you to be seen, but for it to not be an invitation for him to come inside, you tried your best to conceal how you really felt. You had to keep up a strong front.

“What are you doing here?” You questioned him while examining his appearance. Snow fell on his eyelashes and his nose dusted an angry red. He seemed to have bags under his eyes, as well as dampened hair from the snow.

“Can we talk?” He responded, shifting side to side, teetering from one foot to the other.

“I guess.”

“Can I come inside?”

You were hesitant, not because he’s an asshole, but because when it comes to him, you just can’t control yourself.

You nodded your head, widening the door more so he could step inside. He swiftly slipped off his shoes and handed you the book. As soon as he stepped in, he noticed how the apartment had a faint stench of smoke, something that wasn’t there last time. He knew you detested smoking indoors, you didn’t want your apartment to smell like the poison you took daily. But the new scent made him wonder if this little break between the two of you had affected you as much as it affected him.

“Why did you get me a copy of Pride and Prejudice?” Analyzing the cover, you recognized it from Barnes and Noble. It was one of their leatherback editions that they sold for $25. Did he really spend $25 on a book?

“Well, I asked the help lady at that book store what kind of books girls like. I had to describe you a bit for her to get the picture, but she said she thinks you’d like this book, so I got it.” He set the bottle of vodka on your kitchen table and took a seat on your wooden chairs. He didn’t look at you. Keeping his eyes downcast and apologetic, he waited for you to accept the gift.

“Did she lead you to this book specifically?” Although the book was beautiful with its cerulean blue cover, gold detailing, and green pages, you found it most unnecessary, especially since you already owned the exact copy.

“Yeah, why?”

“They have another copy of this in the adult fiction section for seven bucks. Different cover, but cheaper price. I also already have this book.” You explained, holding back the small laugh that wanted to escape.

He stared at you for a minute, taking time to comprehend your words. “I think I got scammed.”

Taking in a deep breath, you looked him in the eyes and prepared for the conversation to come. “So why are you here?”

“To apologize?” He responded although it sounded more like a question.

“Well, I don’t hear an apology, Suna.” Taking the seat across from him, you noticed how his eyes watched your every move, almost like he was taking you in like a breath of fresh air, cherishing you as if you could disappear at any given moment.

“Rintarō.”

Your eyes shot up, making contact with his own yellowish-green ones. You noticed the eye bags that decorated his features. They were darker than they were a few weeks ago. “What?”

“Call me Rintarō.”

“Okay?”

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? Yeah, I said some really shitty stuff, but I won’t apologize for the bet. First of all, I want the $100. Secondly, this is just what we do. All the guys in the frat are assholes, and you know this. You knew I was an asshole and you still let me fuck you weekly. I’m not sorry for that.” He explained as he shrugged, almost like he was shrugging off how that affected you.

“I mean, yeah, I get it, but that doesn’t mean I like it. I don’t want to be some guy’s bet. I have standards, and I won’t let myself get treated like this. I’m not a toy for you to just toss aside when you’re tired of playing with it. I’m a human being, Rintarō, okay?”

“I know that. That’s why I keep you around. You’re different from everyone else. You’re smart, you’re hot as fuck, and you don’t put up with my bullshit.” Slumping in the chair, he looked like a child who wasn’t getting their way. In a sense, he was.

“Then what do you want?” You get what he was trying to do, but like he said, you weren’t going to put up with his bullshit. “I’m not a mind reader, you know?”

“You.”

“What do you mean?”

Taking your hand in his, he rubbed circles on the back of your hand. “I’ll be yours if you’ll be mine. No labels, just us. All I know is that I don’t want to stop what we have. I don’t know what it is, but I like it.”

“Why no labels?” You questioned. You didn’t quite understand that. To you, labels clarified what you were to each other, what your relationship meant.

“I don’t like that shit. It’s gross.” As he said that, a grimace at the mere thought of labels crawled onto his face.

“So it’s you, it’s me, and just us?” You questioned. Perhaps this was as clear of an answer as you were going to get.

“Just us.” He reassured.

And for the rest of the night, you and Rintarō found solace in each other’s embrace. His head rested on your breasts as his jaded eyes tried to keep themselves open.

Raising his head, his eyes met yours. They had a soft, child-like innocence to them. It reminded you of a child who was begging St. Mary for some blessings, praying that she would come through for him. “Don’t leave, okay?”

Running your fingers through his soft, disheveled hair, you replied, “As long as you don’t leave first.”

With each step you took, it left an imprint of your foot in the snow. An imprint of you, evidence that you were there. That you had left your mark on the world. Hand in hand, you and Rintarō walked back to your apartment from the bar where the two of you and a few of your friends drank to celebrate.

You could safely say that this was your best birthday yet. The big 21 ended up being the best out of 21. Growing up, you and your grandmother were never really able to do much for birthdays. Ever since your parents had passed away when you were nine, that sweet, elderly lady had been taking care of you. She worked hard to provide for you, and even though you didn’t have much, you still had a great childhood. Your grandma made sure that you would.

“So, what was your favorite part of today?” Rintarō looked down at you with a small smile, his eyes glistening with adoration.

You reflected that look in your own eyes. How could you not, though? With snowflakes melting in his dark hair, a faint blush from the cold, and his small smile to tie it all together.

“God, how could I choose?” You threw your head back, looking up at the starless sky, and let out a giggle. A giggle of pure joy and happiness.

Staring at you, Rintarō felt his heart speed up as heat spread throughout his body. He wondered if this is what it felt like to truly love someone. Though he never thought of that much since every time it came up in his mind, he pushed it aside. He’d make up excuses like how it was too soon, or how he could never love, and even the fear of becoming his father. He’d use every excuse in the book and push away the thought. But even so, his heart was starting to overpower his mind.

“I’d say my personal favorite was the indoor amusement park. Especially when I kept beating your ass in the arcade.” He thought back to when he continuously beat your ass in Fast and Furious five times consecutively. He enjoyed witnessing you whine like a child when you kept losing. It showed a great disparity between how you show yourself to the world and how he gets to see you.

“Oh, shut it.” You gently shoved him with your shoulder, “I think my favorite was when we had dinner with my friends. Nothing beats a good meal with the people you care about.”

“Boring.” He dragged out, playfully rolling his eyes. Catching view of your apartment up ahead, he sent a side glance towards you before taking off. “Last one there is the rotten egg.”

Laughing at his childish game, you cautiously ran towards the building, being careful to not slip on the wet sidewalk that glistened with snow.

It didn’t come as a surprise to you when his childish game ended with his head between your thighs, leaving dark marks on your inside thighs as he made his way up to your cunt. He took his time, making sure to leave every inch of you as equally loved as another part. Usually, you loved it; the slow, gradual build-up tying your stomach in a knot as the anticipation built.

But not tonight. Tonight was different.

Tonight, you need him to do it quick, hard, and rough.

Propping yourself up onto your elbows, you hesitantly spoke to him in a hushed tone, “Rin, I need you now. Please, just do something. Anything. I just… I just need it right now.”

“So impatient,” he tsked, “fine, if that’s what the birthday girl wants, that’s what the birthday girl gets.”

He adjusted himself to get more comfortable before he slid your legs over his shoulders and dove in. As his tongue lightly licked your folds, you felt a rush of sudden pleasure throughout your body. No matter how many times he had eaten you out, every time still made you feel like a virgin getting touched for the very first time. Your chest heaved as you tried to regulate your breathing, and your teeth clenched while you made futile attempts to hold back your whimpers.

“Fuck.” You breathed out, your fingers grasping your previously clean and pristine bedsheets. You knew very well that he could do this forever, that if he could die between your thighs, he would.

You weren’t sure if it was due to the overwhelming pleasure or something else, but all you knew was that you hadn’t noticed that his fingers had slid inside of you until you felt them curve inside of you. The additional stimulation forced ripples of moans to release from your throat, and if it weren’t for his other hand holding you down, your hips bucking would have thrown him off his rhythm.

The way he stuffed himself full of you reminded you of a starving dog, and the look in his eyes whenever your eyes would lock reminded you of a dangerous predator waiting to absolutely destroy his prey.

The faster he thrust his fingers in and out of you, the more difficult you found it was to keep your mind present. Your legs were shaking and kept trying to close in on him, and you felt your own pleasure reaching its peak.

“R-Rin, ‘m gonna cum.” Your voice came out raspy and strangled as your breathing picked up. With how quick your heart was beating paired with your breathing, you felt like you were running from a lion.

Satisfied moans left your mouth as you finally reached your peak. Your legs fell limp on each side of Rintarō, and you could barely keep your eyes open. Getting up from his spot, he crawled over towards you and you could see the juices dripping from his mouth. He placed a loving kiss on your lips and whispered in your ear,

“Happy birthday, birthday girl.”

By the time the New Year rolled around, you and Rintarō were absolutely smitten for each other. Of course, like every relationship, you had your issues. You were stubborn and self-righteous while he was selfish and manipulative. One minute, he was lashing out about the smallest thing, and the next, he was all over you. You drove each other absolutely crazy, but you loved each other for it.

There were a lot of pros in your relationship, too. You got him into more literature and art (albeit, it’s more so you reading to him and him trying not to fall asleep), and he brought you out of your shell. You attended more parties, you hung out with his frat brothers, and you even held a full conversation with Atsumu without rolling your eyes.

You simultaneously completed each other and changed each other for the better. The permanent lovesick feeling you got when he looked at you was something you’d never get used to. They say when you’re truly in love, the butterflies never go away.

Lighting a cigarette, you escaped into your inner world as you waited for your boyfriend to come back with your drinks. You were currently at Atsumu’s New Year's Eve party at his parents’ Tokyo house, and you’d be a liar if you said you didn’t want to leave. Sinking further into the couch, you closed your eyes and soaked up as much instant relief as you could. Eventually, the music was no longer as loud as it was, and it was just you versus the world.

You felt like you were floating underwater like you were disconnected from your own world but in the best way possible. The loud chatter and music were subdued, sounding like it was coming from above water, from outside the imaginary pool.

‘All my troubles on the burning pile all lit up and I start to smile. If I catch fire, then I’ll change my aim. Throw my troubles at the world again.’

You hadn’t even noticed how much time had passed until you felt Atsumu shaking you, making you realize you were half asleep the entire time.

“What?” You groaned, feeling irritable from the sudden awakening.

“Where’s Suna?” He questioned, “we’re suppos’d to be playin’ a game r’now. You can join if ya want.”

Glancing at the time on your phone, you noticed he had been gone for half an hour. “He said he was getting us drinks, but it’s been thirty minutes. I’ll find him for you.”

Getting up from your seat, it took you a minute to get readjusted. Realizing your cigarette went out while you were asleep, you took out another and lit it. Putting it between your teeth, you let it hang there as you grabbed your things and went to look for your missing lover.

You looked in the kitchen, and he wasn’t there. You looked in the bathrooms, the bedrooms, and the basement. He wasn’t anywhere to be seen.

Spotting Kita Shinsuke, the president of Rintarō’s fraternity, by the sliding doors you decided to approach him. He was cold, brutal, and intelligent. You haven’t had many conversations with him, but none of them ever ended well.

“Hey, Kita. Have you seen Rin anywhere?” Holding onto your cigarette in one hand, you let out a yawn and leaned against the white doorframe.

He glanced at you and scoffed. ‘Can’t believe this is the girl he’s dating. She’s a mess.’ He never really liked you, and you didn’t like him either, so it was mutual.

“Why do you want to know? Did he escape from his leash?” His cold glare was as harsh as his words, but you wouldn’t let him see that they pricked your heart a bit.

“Wow, Kita. Is there a cactus where your heart is supposed to be?” You returned his glare as you attempted to keep your composure. Cussing out Kita isn’t your goal, finding Rintarō is.

“Yeah. What do you want?” If you didn’t despise this grinch, you’d actually laugh at his dry response.

“Have you seen Rintarō?” You restated your question, losing your patience for the dual-colored hair man.

A knowing smirk grew on his lips, “Yeah, he’s outside.”

“Was that so hard?” You remarked with a sarcastic smile.

“Yes. It was the worst. Now get out of my sight.” And for once, you obliged with his order.

Opening the sliding door, you left the building and walked the perimeter in search of him. It didn’t take very long to find him, he was sitting on the grass.

The only issue was that his lips were attached to a girl. A girl who wasn’t you.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Rintarō?” You hollered out as anger spread within you. You could feel the pure hatred boiling from your own personal pit of eternal damnation. “You really are a selfish piece of shit, Suna Rintarō.”

Storming off, you wrapped your arms around yourself to keep yourself warm. You heard him yelling for your name, begging for you to stop, but you were done listening to him and his pretty lies.

You walked a few blocks before entering the town center. The Christmas lights were still up, and they illuminated the empty night. Your eyes scanned the area, watching as people drunkenly stumbled across the streets. It was New Year’s Eve after all.

“Please, babe. Can you just listen to me?” He growled out as he followed you down the road. His patience was dwindling and he was going to do something regrettable soon if you didn’t just listen.

“I’m not going to let you break my heart, Rintarō. I refuse to be another girl in your sick little book of names.” You growled as you picked up your speed, desperately wanting to get away from him. How dare he treat you like this, how dare he treat your love like it was nothing.

“But I’m not going to, babe. I want you, and I mean it.” He hollered as he chased you down the sidewalk. He truly wanted to be with you. Every moment he spent without you felt like his own personal hell. He needed you more than he wanted to admit, and as much as he hated it, he was madly in love with you.

“Stop following me, Rintarō. I don’t wanna talk to you.” You angrily huffed as you tried to get as far away from him as you could.

“She came onto me, I pushed her off because you’re the only one I want. Babe, you gotta believe me. I would never cheat on you, I could never purposely hurt you because I lo-”

Promptly turning around, you stopped in the middle of the street, and you tossed your cigarette onto the ground, angrily crushing it with your boot, “Please don’t say you love me.” As your voice cracked, he noticed how hauntingly beautiful the sad smile that was spread across your face was, and how it paired nicely with the tears that ran down your cheeks, subtly reflecting a light. It almost distracted him from what was happening.

You hadn’t noticed why, there was something about the way that he screamed that caught your attention. Maybe it was the pure terror that laced his tone or the cracking of his voice. Either way, by the time that you noticed what he was screaming about, it was too late and you were already blinded by the truck’s headlights.

And there Rintarō stood by the stoplight with tears streaming down his face. He heard someone screaming, but he couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from. Not until he felt the rawness that tickled his throat did he realize that he was the one screaming. He rushed over to his lover’s body that fell limp in the middle of the street. The truck driver got out of his vehicle, falling to his knees as he realized what he had done. He had taken the life of another. Sure, it was an accident, but if there was one thing that connected Rintarō to the driver, it was the overwhelming guilt they had both felt.

Rintarō cradled your body as he prayed to whoever would listen to him to bring your soul back to your physical body, “Please, fucking please wake up, Y/N. Wake the fuck up. I know you’re mad, but this is a sick prank. You can’t fucking do this. You can’t leave me here. I’m begging you. Please, anyone, if you’re there, please bring her back. Fuck, this isn’t fucking fair. Come back, Y/N, I need you.”

He let out a hiccup as his sobs took over and shook his body. He let out another heart-clenching scream that anyone on the block could hear and immediately know what had happened. He had just lost the love of his life, someone who was embedded into his soul, and a part of himself he will never get back.

He didn’t even realize that 911 was called until he was being pried away from her body. It was like his perspective was switched into slow motion as he watched the paramedics bag your body and take you away. His world was completely flipped, and there was nothing he could do about it. If it weren’t for the policeman holding him back, he would’ve already boarded the ambulance and tried to spend every last minute with you. You weren’t dead yet, you could still be saved. He knew you could.

As the ambulance disappeared from his line of sight, all he could think was ‘what have we done to each other?’

He barely even noticed the paramedic walking up to him, not until he felt his shoulder being shook. Despite knowing the answer, the paramedic asked, “Sir, are you alright?” Rintarō couldn’t do anything but nod, his throat too raw to speak.

He felt like this was nothing but a movie. Like he was watching himself from outside his body. The way the blue and red lights lit up the night, and illuminated his face, allowing the watchers to see the tears that could not stop running as he stood in the middle of the street mindlessly, surrounded by police cars and ambulances. He wished that this was only a movie, he really did.

Clearing his throat, he tried to speak, “She’s going to be okay, right? They’re going to fix her, and then she can come home.” His voice was raspy, almost barely audible, like an old toy. He turned his gaze over to the paramedic, who looked at him with pitiful eyes. This only drove him over the cliff. “She’s coming home, right?” His voice cracked as he continued to try to speak, the pain that stabbed the inside of his throat like tiny needles punishing him for all the screaming he had done.

The paramedic let out a long sigh, preparing for his reaction. Of course, they had heard his screaming. He hadn’t stopped screaming until they bagged her. “I’m sorry, sir, but it seems that she died on impact. There’s nothing that can be done.”

The look on Rintarō’s face would’ve killed the paramedic if it could. The grimace that contorted his features accompanied by the burning rage in his eyes haunted the paramedic for the rest of the night. “You’re a filthy liar. I know Y/N, she wouldn’t leave me like this. No, she loves me. You’re lying. I want to be taken to her immediately.”

He had grabbed a hold of the uniform she was wearing, closing the spacing between them and getting all up in her face. She could smell the alcohol that tainted his breath, it was like an awful candle being shoved in her face. If it wasn’t for the officer who pulled him off of her, she would’ve decked him then and there.

“Sir, you need to calm down and come to the station with us. We need to get your statement, but seriously, calm down.” Rintarō stared down at the officer as if he was having an internal debate about whether he should listen or not when Y/N’s voice rang in his head.

‘They’re only doing their job, Rin.’

And as always, she was right.

He nodded his head and followed the officer to his vehicle. You had just left the world and the ghost of your words were already haunting his mind.

Rintarō looked up at the night sky. His lip trembled as he tried his best to hold back the sobs that have been harassing his throat all night long. He didn’t know how he was going to live without you. Everything he did was to get you, and then eventually, it was to keep you. He wanted you to play with his hair one last time. He wanted to hold you in his arms as the two of you danced around your kitchen one last time. He wanted to feel your lips on his one last time.

He remembered a time when Y/N had told him that when you’re truly in love, the butterflies never go away. You were right about that. Months after her death, and he’s still as in love with her as if she was right beside him.

Taking a seat on the park bench, Rintarō looked up at the night sky, and he swore it seemed brighter that night. He thought maybe it was because you were now a star watching over him. If you were right, then maybe one day, he’ll join you. One day, he’ll be right next to you again in a constellation you had started. And when the day that he joins you comes, he won’t be alone anymore. That’s something he’s sure of.

As he opened Sincerely Not and turned to the first page, he cleared his throat before he read to the stars, “Chapter one. Marriage is a sacred bond. With over seven billion people around the world, you were granted to have only one person to be your chosen life-long partner.” He let out a breathy, heartbroken chuckle after reading that line.

If only the two of you had forever.

[copperbadge]

Impressions on Fête during my first readthrough now that it's here in paperback (the spine titles are fine btw!): Suuuuuuuure, Eddie, you frantically googled Gregory after he almost made a pass at you solely for the sake of the coronation banquet. No other motive. I believe you. 😏

Being fair to Eddie, his motives were never even pretending to be pure until he had to tell Gregory about his research. It's not like he was lying to himself by googling "Askazer-Shivadlakia cultural attitudes towards gay" or "Crown Prince Gregory dating" or something. He saw Gregory wipe his face with the hem of his shirt after jogging and went straight for "Crown Prince Gregory shirtless" in an incognito window of his browser with SafeSearch off. Which took him quickly down the rabbit hole of "He's very friendly with that guy swimming next to hi -- oh very friendly, but that's probably just because he's Euro -- no, there's no European explanation for that photograph."

It took him longer to come up with a reason for uncovering Gregory's sexuality that would be acceptable to tell Gregory about than it did to find a picture of him very clearly indicating a preference. Gregory's not generally indiscreet but we were all young once and if there's a couple of paparazzi pictures of him that Google has hidden from SafeSearch out of an abundance of caution, well, so be it.