#they only exist in my head haha
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years ago i saw someone saying they headcanonned sakusa as hispanic and i have never let of that and now ive imagined up his family and its entirely oc but big brother sakusa is so adorable
#sakusa kiyoomi#hq sakusa#msby sakusa#haikyuu sakusa#sakusa is hispanic#i didnt make the rules this time#shocking ik#his family is so fucking precious i love them with all my heart#they only exist in my head haha
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HIS ! LOVE ! LANGUAGE ! IS ! PHYSICAL ! TOUCH !
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which is even more depressing when u remember he was thrust into the bottom of a cave completely alone with no one to hold but himself for weeks 🫠
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plus FOREHEAD TOUCH !!!!
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and bonus lol:
dead!jayce responds to viktors touch
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also this bc its funny
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#the Bisexual to ever exist🧍🏻♀️#id wanna lay my head in mels lap too tho tbh#i literally went through the entire show whenever he interacted w someone to find these btw HAHA#i have a few more but tumblr has a 30 picture limit HAHA#did not expect jayce to become my favorite character lmfao#i only half cared about him in s1 but now i am STARING at him in every single scene he is in the 180 is insane#jayce talis#viktor#mel medarda#viktor arcane#jaymel#meljay#jayvik#arcane#arcane spoilers#jaymelvik#arcane meta#karcane
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Something something Decepticon recruitment (+physical exam) yada yada putting my Malay twins headcanon to good use and making names (and a non-typical matrilineal last name as opposed to a patrilineal last name) for them :P
Old fanfiction as well as echo chambering myself I have got some headcanons in my mind that do not make surface level sense but have Syakir and Darwesh bin Kalsom!
#skyquake#tfp skyquake#dreadwing#tfp dreadwing#transformers#tfp#humanformers#fanart#look look look- i used [western] sources for names because i'm in [english majority country] and maybe can't get a good list of names#especially not knowing whether they're authentic or not :P any malaysian folk in the chat do forgive me#eitherway- i did at least try to find what the sources claimed the origins of the names were#from my understanding syakir is the malay (and indonesian) form of arabic and urdu shakir (which means thankful but i that didn't matter)#darwesh is the hindi version of darwish which is an old persian but also malay name that i actively chose to make hindi#(because i wanted to hear how it was pronounced but since i didn't have the script version the only way i could hear it was the hindi way)#and kalsom for a character that only exists in my head is the malay and urdu form of the arabic kulthum meaning full-cheeked/beautiful#again- my outsider understanding of the names mostly as a way to kinda brute force the terms skyquake and dreadwing into malay forms#it was really funny looking for dreadwing's human name a lot of them that i could find ended up being versions of david haha#one of them was i think dawoud (which i think was muslim)#it did make me shudder that if dreadwing anglicized his name he'd be david so i hopped the train to darwish/darwesh#which is more technically darvesh give or take dialects so no wumbo here#which btw skyquake ends up being right about the callsigns- human dreadwing hates that his callsign is DREAD wing- skyquake loves his tho :
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I've been trying to figure out a dynamic between neve and rye that I find more compelling, because right now there's not much of anything there for me to sink my little teeth into. but I think I've landed on something delicious with the idea that especially after minrathous gets fucked, rye looks at neve and sees myrna -- someone he feels he keeps letting down horribly no matter how hard he tries not to and can't quite achieve the approval of/connection with that he wishes so it's better to just pull away completely and disengage rather than stay in that unshifting shame. neve is (very understandably) measured and distant with him after what happened, and he's flashing back to his student days of myrna gazing at the perpetually hungover heartbroken heap of a person of him on the other side of her desk every time he missed the deadline of a paper or project like '...can we at least both agree that this is. a bit disappointing. especially considering your potential.' (and him all smudged black eyeshadow and numb ruefulness being like 'sure that's a very kind way to put it myrna thank you'.)
aside from the 'if I let him get too deeply into this he'll go the way of brom and it'll be all my fault (again)' element, neve thinks rye is dismissing her and her city/being a bit callous in the same way he was after varric's death (listen. how fucking wild must rook's reaction to losing a beloved mentor seem to the rest of the crew who aren't seeing the blood magic paper doll ghost varric the whole time, especially those who got to see them interact. you WOULD think 'there's something wrong with this guy. putting the job first is one thing just not seeming to react at all is another this is fucking freaky', wouldn't you, especially after seeing the warmth in that dynamic in action beforehand.) perfect storm of two people who grit their teeth and turn inwards in pain deciding that not talking about it is their best bet (NEWSFLASH: IT ISN'T) lmao
(rye spent his last year of watcher training on a mostly joyless bender and then got it together enough to finish the eternal orb project last moment in a fevered near-sleepless week instead of the half a year that was intended. emmrich is both astounded and distressed to hear this. "a week? but -- but that is an astounding accomplishment rook!! and also why in the maker's good light would you ever do that to yourself?" ("well you see there was no one to stop me from doing it like that but me. and under those conditions these things tend to happen".) rye was working through/looking up stuff around transitioning and doing every kind of OTHER high level watcher research through that whole time, but ultimately he's an excellent watcher and a terrible student, at least under traditional methods. adhd from here to the fucking moon. touched by something akin to divine inspiration in moments of high tension that pulls all the threads into one coherent unbreakable cord, a bit of a frayed mess in most other settings. in our world he'd be dropping out of a masters program at the very last hurdle in this moment maker bless and protect him)
#myrna is actually really proud of him for pushing through and becoming a very fine member of the mourn watch#(and a good man)#but she is also. well. myrna. so she has never expressed as much to him. (she thought it went without saying. it did not!)#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#neve gallus#considering how satisfying the Arc with davrin has been I hope this can liven up neve and rye's interactions for me!#also very interesting and fitting b/c davrin will come for you where you live and go 'and hey btw ANOTHER THING --' no bullshit#which rye finds SO annoying but is probably why their relationship has grown so deep so quickly b/c davrin won't let him avoid him#while neve is ironically a lot more like him and it means they have a much harder time reaching each other b/c they're both so watchful#and guarded. they vibed so hard in the beginning it was all neve approves all the times b/c they have similar instincts. and now look at us#we live in the same house and politely pretend the other one doesn't exist. we're making ghosts out of each other!!!#explaining why he's semi-avoiding her. he thinks he's being thoughtful in giving her her space but uh. well.#perhaps more flight behaviour in that than he's willing to gaze at directly haha#rye looks at lucanis claiming he's a mess and goes 'oh buddy you should've seen me the first day in a year I was fully sober#and working on that fucking orb with head pounding and eyeliner running. even like this you're one of the tidiest#and most disciplined people I've ever met. you're literally fine.'#the reason the romance is so slow is not even mostly on lucanis I think rye is the slower to truly open up one in that dynamic lol#hey. I love rook. I love him so much. my trying his best underachieving babyboy who killed god when he got it together#I suspect this is going to be a situation where I've planned multiple other playthroughs#that will inevitably be hampered by '...but where is rye tho. I wish rye was here. does anyone else miss rye' lmao#for reference I've finished DA:O at least 4 times. and all four of them was sophia amell doing exactly the same things. I have a Pattern lo#a pattern I have only really broken in da:i where I have three inquisitors I care about sort of equally (adaar is my fave#but I have fondness for them all)#hawke I basically play as always the same person just AUs of him haha. what if he was a mage instead and it was somehow even sadder#that sort of thing
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so sorry another oc post
greetings miki andou from a hit ocgram project called linagram. your main motivation as a character is to save your younger sibling from The Horrors and you do not care about what happens to you at all. honestly, if there was a way for you to sacrifice yourself for marito/asahi you most likely would. even though you really do have good intentions, your actions almost always have the worst consequences you can imagine, and even if you forgive people and choose to ignore their flaws, you only end up making them or the lives of other people worse. you're obsessed with saving everyone, guiding them, protecting them, controlling them, you will force other guards to forgive the prisoners you want to be saved if needed and maybe abusing the power you have really is the only way to save people sometimes. at least that's what you believe. prisoners either love you or hate you, some of them see you as their savior, some of them see you as extremely manipulative. you can be called "the goddess of milgram" even, honestly, you probably could become one, if it wasn't for the fact that milgram's real goddess is watching you right now.
now, may i ask you which character from a certain gacha game you kin. to be more specific, that gacha game has a turn-based combat system. to be even more specific, that game has the word "rail" in its title
#yall don't understand i was going through her quotes on linagram wiki and i. needed a moment#“haha that sounds like something [ ] would say- MY FUCKING GOD”#literally almost fell on the floor head in hands. took so much damage from that realization#.. does that mean i should draw miki in his outfit.... probably not...#sometimes i think about how miki wasn't even supposed to exist at first and she was one of the last linagram characters to be added#bc i wanted to “balance things out” with eiji's beta version and i felt like if we had that eiji as the only guard#it'd be too cruel and tasteless. and also i thought the concept of two guards was fun#and how miki was simply based on the concept of the innocent verdict at first#now i literally can't imagine linagram without her. very excited for the ending bc she'll get to go absolutely feral#[ 💚 𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐚 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐬 ]#[ 💜 𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐚'𝐬 𝐨𝐜𝐬 ]
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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kiss me goodnight
Father, me and big brother are home! We bought something for dinner! A carp by the lake, and potatoes from the land! A cut on the back, and fleshes of the dead!
pt.1 | pt. 2
pairing: mallesilmal. wc 2,5k
pls read!! warning: suicidal ideation, angst, mcd, gore. woundfucking, double d mal, deepthroat but instead of d it's malmal's slitted tongue
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Their private liturgy continued for weeks, and many moons of crops seems to have passed. Silver will come to the castle every single day without fail, like a devoted loyal servant to its master. Everytime he entered the chamber, may forms of torment ensues, sometimes with different motions, sometimes different organs. His Lord would disassemble his body parts and arrange it back in one piece, of the exact strand and order, all without a miss. Yet none of that seemed to kill him, whether inside nor outside, as his soul seemed to resonate with his Lord as it all felt was only grief, grief, and grief.
Even as the time goes, all was fleeting. Time went in a blink of an eye, and the longer he stride by the riverbanks of time, the more his life feels less ‘living’. Everyday life felt so dull, and deep down he knows he could never go back to how he once were. Of sunshine in the woods, waiting for his father’s arrival. Of those days they went hunting and foraging the forest for herbs and, much to Silver’s dismay, ‘strange ingredients’ his father likes to pick along the way home. Of evenings after sparring with Sebek by the backyard, hopefully wishing for his Lord’s arrival to join them for dinner so they could tuck his father’s cooking somewhere else or gave it to the forest animals.
Those times of much simpler life,
When his father was around.
Now, he’s left with nothing but a gaping wound in his heart
Unattended, lacerated and disfigured; those who see the way it is now could even hardly believe it was once a full, beating heart- as the state of it now much resembles a lump of blood clot rather than a formerly functioning organ
Yet, even after all those agony it went through, it still beats
It still beats.
Oh, how he hated the sound of it
The pounding in his veins. Steady rhythm of blood circulating throughout his bloodstream, intact, splattering only when his Lord’s claws are inside of him. Everytime his Lord disassembles his insides, he would always hoped, prayed that maybe his heart will forget a beat amidst all these bodily pain that envelops him. Perhaps his lung would be oh so kind to stop functioning altogether, or the insides of his skull would self-destruct itself.
But his heart keeps pounding on and on
A sick reminder that he’s still alive, unable to be reunited with his father
He’s been so, so close to the edge, why can’t he just die already?
Is his Lord’s healing magic too powerful? Why isn’t the reaper here yet? Can’t he just go, all these are making his patience running thin.
He wonders how many times should he play this twisted tug-of-war game with death, to which he always dreams of losing.
So when another being sarted being present during their private sessions, it sparked hope inside Silver.
He knew his time was creeping in closer, because not even His Lord’s omnipotent magic could ever prolong something as sacred as defying mortality. He smiled genuinely for the first time in years, leaving each of their meetings with a content feeling instead of the usual despair. His Lord would question about it someyimes, to which Silver would reply with his signature sincere half-smile
…to which Silver began to think
….what would His Lord became of, once that he is gone?
Would His Lord be abe to cope with the grief that follows? After such a huge loss he experienced already?
Silver might not be the brightest in terms of social cues or delving into people’s hearts and peering into their feelings, but one thing he does know: His Lord wouldn’t be able to handle it well
After all, if he did so, then their classified rites wouldn’t happen in the first place. Or turning into a daily basis, for that matter. To top it all, the kingdom would be brought into an even major calamity, lest his Lord were faced for another grief in his sight. That narrows the questions in his head down to a singular one:
How do he drag his Lord down with him?
tic-toc, the clock is ticking. As the figure that overshadows their chamber turned clearer each passing day, Silver is vigilant that he doesn’t have much time left. Bearing only one solution in mind, he enters their solemn chamber, preparing for a gamble of life and death. A russian roulette he invented on his own.
And he finally came down with his own plan.
Yes, this would surely suffice
The night was cleared of its clouds, moon shining softly amongst the starry skies. The walk to the castle was not long, but Silver decided to slow down for a bit.
It is his last day after all, as the reaper had been clearly visible to the touch
This night would be the final one, and as dawn rolls he would be graced by his one true love
His took his steps thoughtfully, absorbing the sceneries before him mindfully. The walk from his tiny little cottage in the woods that will soon be abandoned. The owls and crows and other animals cooing him along the way, as if muttering mournful goodbyes. How the castle gates lowered at the sight of him, without him needing to announce his presence. The castle staff & maids that bowed down respectfully, seeing as how they might’ve perceived him as some sort of hero for diverting their Lord’s grief, not knowing the very same person would bring an end to the exact Lord they worshiped
Mustering his resolve, he entered the chamber, where his Lord awaits patiently. A soft breath of flame welcomes him, as both candles and chandeliers alike lit up. Lavish banquet upon the table, grand as always. Everything’s the usual, except for-
Except for the the eagerness pulsating his chest, as from today onward he would no longer be within despair’s grasp
It ends today
All the pain and anguish, he shall bring it all down with him
Feeling the blade brushed against his thighs, he returned the warm welcome with a smile. That his Lord was taken aback no longer matters, this is the requiem after all! It should be enjoyed to its finest, doesn’t it?
And so their usual liturgy began. Although Silver would prefer calling this one their ‘Rite of Parting’. It had a nicer ring into it, or so he thought. He locked his gaze upon those pair of emerald locket that adorns his Lord’s face, oh such grace it was for being able to witness this lustrous sight before one departs. His Lord, having the time of his life- obliterating all grief and sorrow as his fangs bared upon his chest, talons ripping apart skin to skin.
Starting off with his undeformed obsidian claws slitting the upper part of his body, as the other slips itself into Silver’s underneath. The moment Silver’s heart laid bare, his Lord proceeds to kiss them gently, lengthy tongue tending every single row of his ribs, slipping beneath to savor the delish taste of iron from its splitting ends. His Lord was always a man of patience, and so he goes, moving supple palms ever so gracefully,
But Silver was not.
Not this time, at least.
He’s so eager– eager to the touch, to the taste, to the end. His patience is growing thinner by each passing moment, and for the first time in Seven knows how long; he refused to relent. Instead, his hands grazed to his Lord, tracing him all ever so softly and at the same time greedily– as if those touches would suffice his hunger. And his Lord, the ever-so-thoughtful of his people, complies
‘Eager today, aren’t we?’
He mutters under his breath, as consciousness gradually grew adrift; drunk by the touch. As much as he enjoyed the delectable taste of his cherished subject, he constantly tasted this mournful flavor from him. Something he probably didn’t realize had been consuming him progressively over the course of time, something he understood so well. He never minded this notion though, as Silver’s mere form was more than sufficient to scrape off the remaining grief sadness of his beloved spouse’s parting
However, that is alright
They would surely come back someday, right? They are merely sleeping for a little while. One day they will arise hearty and buoyant like how they always been, thus announcing their presence with the warmest smile as they jumped into his arms, fondling their hands upon his towering form lovingly. And he would lower down, reciprocate their lush affection and pepper them with the gentlest of kisses he’d been saving up these whole decades, centuries even, and—
The gentle caress on his neck, sliding down his throat onto his chest dragged him back to what’s laid in front of him. Just like a prey offering himself to the hunter, although the fondness betwixt them begs to differ.
Observing the alluring blend of colors beneath him that stares straight into his eyes– into his heart, the dragon fae decides to give in. He would take his loyal knight’s offerings of course, as it would be heartless for a master to refuse such sincere. And so concede he did, unrestraining the constraint of his dual cock. Going slow at first, he enters the first into Silver’s hole, pushing its full length in one single thrust. A slight moan slips his ashen lips as he positioned his next one, eyes interlocking with the remnants of saliva dangling between ribs beneath him. Those translucent silk, paving the path into the other’s heart was clearly his invitation to attend; and so as a profound noble that he is, proceeds to fulfill that lustrous invite.
Gently, he made way between the limbs; and as his first was already spasming between Silver’s tight walls, his second was getting harder by each passing cartilage. They only seemed to grow in size as he goes on, and the more it gets tighter down there; what’s his jostling with Silver’s liver, lungs, and pancreas as he slowly but surely making his way into his heart, Silver giggles
Silver giggles.
Dear Sevens and the Great Thorn Fairy above, how many decades has it been since he heard those sweet giggles? Was it when Lilia first discovered that humans are ticklish and tried it on his own son, which he later joined during, laughing heartily as the three of them enjoyed Silver’s playtime just as much as him? Or was it oh his birthday, when he got a whole pie thrown at him for the sake of good luck? Perhaps it was when both he and Sebek welcomes them home after their trip into some faraway land, and offers them homemade cookies that was slightly burnt; where Lilia said his cookies are more exceptional and much better, to which Silver only replied with a stifle laugh, giggly smile adoring his petite form
Which one was it?
Does it even matter?
As his second finally reached its final destination, he let out a hearty laugh, as if reciprocating those once long-lost giggles. But that matters not now, what’s important is how to satisfy the proprietor of those alluring sound. Thus, he picks up the pace, brimming even more enthusiastically with two pairs of fangs procuring first row seat of the show, as moonlit strands gradually grew flushed in span of seconds. The delicate touch of callused hands began to pepper his back, crystal nails flourishing in crimson as they dug deeper and deeper. Those luscious voices only got sweeter the more he progresses, constantly moaning as the other succumbs into the bliss of his holy cock. They both inches closer and closer, both the ones inside & below the ribs, and so does Silver’s which he enveloped in his palms. Shiny black claws fondled with the tip, smothering delicately to the strings leaked from its source, before it finally bursts. and so does his own, outflowing the tight walls that of Silver’s, as the realms between his organs turned into a colorful mixture of sweat, blood, tears and other salty liquids. Both delve into the pleasure of release once more, and they would both be lying if they said that it wasn’t the most passionate one they’ve ever had all these time.
Their most passionate one
Which would also be the first and the last.
Silver glance onto his side, and there was them. The reaper, in all his mightiness and sorrow and glory and whatever hopes it brings for Silver to devour. It’s now or never, so he put up his sweetest smile, one that his father would always sings praises and adore whenever he did
‘My Lord, would you be so kind as to give me one last kiss before we depart?
A single good night kiss would suffice’
‘Why of course, cherished one. As a gift, I would be glad to fulfill your desire’
So their tongue intertwined, his Lord’s split tongue peered slowly as he opened the gates into throat. He pulled as to lower him and holds him closer, and two tips of dragon tongue dances around. Twirling, enveloping his little one if compared to that of his Lord’s. It goes deeper as the length fulfill every room of his mouth, down into his throat, and needless to say he was satisfied. He towered above him, and so does the reaper: now hanging behind his Lord, creeping in- this is it. This is the time, as he unseath the blade he’d been keeping, and he thrust
Deep. Red. Black. Dripping, waltzing and oozing together ever so beautifully
His Lord was about to laugh of humor, did his loyal subject, all knowing of how robust he was, really think that this mere mutiny could end him? If it did, he would’ve did it himself ages ago
But there was something else
As Silver thrusts deeper, he feel it seeps into his streams, light magic overflowing and tainting his fae blood. There’s no mistaking it- it’s the same magic that emanates from Silver’s passed down ring, one that Lilia stashed along with the greatest gift in the whole world— according to him. The very same that ended his mother.
To end with the exact same way of his beloved mother he never got the chance to meet
This is beautiful
And so he gave in. Letting go as his magic that cloaks their surroundings dissipates, including the ones veiled Silver’s form. The taller frame finally succumbs and sank. Glints of effulgent hangs upon his head, and in those final moments, pressed a smile onto his Lord’s lips; as warmth slips and bodies deteriorates.
This time, surely, his father would be overjoyed
Father, me and big brother are home! We bought something for dinner!
A carp by the lake, and potatoes from the land!
A cut on the back, and fleshes of the dead!
#if u squint; the reaper could be perceived metaphorically or literally#like myb it exists in twst. but not everybody can see it (except silver here)#or it cld be silver's hallucinations cz.. hes just desperate i guess...?#I MEAN what's keeping silver alive despite those gruesome things were malleus' magic right#he merely did those swish-swosh thing tht he did back at VDC#returning & reforming everything back in its place#so since he's gone and no one's there to prevent silver from deteriorating-#thats why the reaper wouldnt 'slash' him for so long; only doing so after silver's done w/ his blade#bc it's all in his head!! haha#AAAAAHHHH ITS FINALLY DONEEE#im so. so glad#ths is probably my proudest creation so far#rlly made me squeeze my brain out on 'how do i implement this kind of things'#experimented a lot writing ths#n tryin out many new things!!#new prompt!#new theme!#new agony *laughs in pain*#it rlly challenged my usual writing style (in a good way!!)#ANYWAYS regardless of the result#IM SO PROUD OF ME FOR TRYING#N ACTUALLY FINISHING IT#overall i had fun writing this 🥰#altho i didnt make it in time..#anyways happiest birthday silver 🥳🎉🎊#okay im done talking#hope u enjoy!!#mallesil#malleus draconia#silver
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would like to know the lore of my own oc that i have had for like ten years
edit: found an old sketch of her... i basically drew her for the first time eons ago and haven't changed her design ever since (sad that i won't be able to find those drawing again)
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#she is lots of things but she is also randomly dw master's sister. have been thinking about the idea of her being their daughter ever since#missy dropped that the doctor gave it to me when my daughter line#i was like twelve when i made her up okay!!! i basically stole clara's echos concept for myself but made it cooler. she is basically a#gallifreyan girl trapped inside of doctor's tardis and she exists there like a ghost spooking his companions without any memory of her#previous life. and she also has like a ton of echos bc when tardis appears in the parallel universes she creates it to keep the link with#said universe through the echo. whenever the doctor reappears there the link is no longer needed and said echo dies. and so. i basically#recreate her in every fandom i have ever been since then having some explanation in my head for me just basically using same character over#and over again AHAHAHAH#her original gallifreyan version died in the tardis bc she listened to the doctor's yappinh about travelling to other worlds too much#and like. when she tried to steal her tardis defense mechanism was meant to trap her (i remember listening to some first doctor audiodrama#where the same concept was descibed). that led to that tardis being decommissioned#but she still trapped her??? dying spirit??? in the eye of harmony which allows her to exist in some form#the only reason she is related to the master is bc they are my favourite dw character and i like to think that the fact that the doctor#was partially responsible for her death hit the last nail in the coffin of whatever they had HAHAHA#i remember when big finish did an audio drama with the master brainwashing a random girl to think that she was his daughter and i was like#NO HECKING WAY THEY DROPPED MY OC'S LORE??? HAHA THE LOSER STILL MISSES HER#i need to do something with her again. i guess#my post#yes that star trek oc is ger echo as well#too lazy to fix tags forgot to write down the part that yes tardis defense mechanism killed her#i dont know how to explain her being related to the master bc i also remember myself being a loom truther. but the doctor also had#susan? idk guys i haven't been in the dw sauce in a minute#i like to think that she HATES hates doctor's guts bc she has this subconscious envy that they are able to leave the tardis and explore#other worlds but she isn't bc she is trapped in there. girl if you only knew that you also exist as a plethora of other people in different#worlds. also her gallifreyan name was MILLENIA haha subtle foreshadowing#she also hates most of doctor's companions for the same reason. i bet that short period of time when missy was in twelfth tardis was#rather funny bc both of them didn't recognise each other#she holds like. 50% of responsibility for tardis malfunctions
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i've def heard of people having to be in the right headspace to write like, v thirsty/self-indulgent snz content, but somehow i find it equally difficult to be in the right headspace to write angst
#snz thirst is more predictable bc it's just#letting my d pilot the plane instead of my head and blinking down to see that i've written 2 thousand words#angst is not like a snz-specific device so you'd think it'd be easier to utilize#but specifically in the context of h/c it feels like#close to the same level of self-indulgent for me... only i feel so much more self-conscious when i'm writing it. i think it's also because#i feel like people more easily excuse gratuitous snz as like 'omg the author really went for it 🥵 this is hot' whereas for angst the#equivalent of 'overdoing it' or being too indulgent is like... okay this is ooc. these characters are not arguing in a way that feels#believable. it feels like they are being flattened or misconstrued just for the sake of the angst 🙁#what i'm trying to say is#being perceived as overindulgent in the angst sense scares me so much more than being perceived as overindulgent in the snz sense#when i get really into writing angst i'm like >:) omg i live for dramatic tension and misunderstandings. please argue MORE#but when i get to editing it i'm like 😰😰 what was i thinking. would they really say that... would they really cry here...#which feels terrifying in a different way - the not-knowing if what i've been writing will be received as i intend it or if it'll be seen#as too emotionally trite / unbelievable#does that make sense... i am operating on 4h of sleep right now which is probably#why this post exists haha. but anyways
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Manufactured SEEDs
Basically, the concept is that SEEDs once served as a “positive” force meant to permanently remove or separate negative emotions that were deemed unnecessary.
(I wish I could elaborate but I don’t really know how) (I wanted the idea that “SEEDs” have always existed or something unique to Fragaria Memories without being inspired to anything if that makes sense?)
Assuming that SEEDs existed during the time of Legendary Red, what if “Legendary Red” made the SEEDs but backfired and twisted the story that they saved the world of Fragaria from the SEEDs.
Maybe the SEEDs couldn’t be completely destroyed for whatever arbitrary reason, and the Strawberry King took responsibility to guard the last remnant of existing SEEDs left from this world of Fragaria?
Eldritt’s purpose is to keep the origin of SEEDs and the truth of Legendary Red a secret.
<- But at the same time, what good is keeping the truth hidden(?)) “To keep the world idyllic”(?) (How would revealing the truth about Legendary Red and the SEEDs affect the world?
(Maybe we can connect this to time loop theory(?)) (Do you think Halritt wants to keep the world happy by all means necessary) (and time loop is his only answer)
Do you think their existence evolved during their entrapment by the Strawberry King? They’re indiscriminately trying to feed from negative emotions because of this insatiable hunger they had for who knows how long?
How did they escape? Why did the Strawberry King disappear?
Lovers to the same lies— Protectors to sanctity, memories to sanity Red-splattered puddles dye into black I, the shadow to which you belong … strangers to the flesh. Fumbled darkness, the pitch-black mold. A stiff neck … Unable to turn. (Clocks unfortunately twist … A head rolls down.)
Edlritt - “What only needs to be known is that…” Eldritt - “We both want the SEEDs eliminated.” “So, Merold, as long as the motivation exists—we will both be quiet.” Eldritt - “Is this clear enough for you?"
#fragmem#time to ramble in the tags again haha...#holostarsEN lore is crazy but basically the world “elysium” exists as a solution/digital world in the pursuit of peace and perfection#abandoned humanity and “record corruption” is basically a terrible disease that leads to death if i remember correctly(?)#and “corruption beasts” are similar to SEEDs but don’t remove memory#if i remember correctly the people are either “players” or “NPCs”#we live in a digital world digimon digimon#honestly i kinda forgot mid-thought about what i wanted to elaborate on but i think it was the theory that knights earn their forms and nam#i think i wanted to connect it to the possibility of what could be the lore of fragaria memories’s world#like maybe it is a digital world?#i like the idea that world was dying but was saved by the strawberry king and the lords#what if magic was only made as a countermeasure against SEEDs?#Merold - “To destroy the sin within you I will thoroughly humiliate and reveal the truth one by one.”#Merold - “So I’ll keep playing Halritt.” “A smile just like this! Where nothing seems out of place.”#“SEEDs are the original sin” will always be stuck in my head#to eliminate negativity is to embrace death#maybe that is the purpose of a SEED?#to become pitch black or free from color because nothing exists within a void(?)#i wrote to myself once that i wanted merold to have his the holy grail of eris moment#merold - “kirikikirikuku” (eldritt awakens)#its such a good story… im too much of a sucker to villainess stories…#my dark timeline is that halritt tries to create a peaceful world to prevent the SEEDs but this backfires and halritt becomes a tyrant#i want him to die by merold’s hand like a sick joke instead of a SEED#the people you tried to protect now fear or hate you#Merold - “You’re a small man who is bounded by his appearance.”#Eldritt - “Oh but Merold—Aren’t you also the same if we apply it you?”#Merold - “And who’s to say I’m spared from my own words?”#Merold - “An executioner is not exempt to his own blade.” “I intend to do worse to you and the same to myself.”
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Post with content that scares the duck has breached containment
#so my gut is telling me to turn off further interactions on that post#but there's some genuinely helpful discussion going on there so I'll leave it for now#let me tell yall though#i saw my activity flood with comments and reblogs with text#and my stomach dropped#i am quite literally shaking in nerves lol#thankfully everyone is being kind but i am not intellectually equipped to talk about evolution#as i said in the post i quite literally never learned about it#up until recently i genuinely thought it was fake#and even now i am having trouble wrapping my head around that fact that most people think its real#like#people actually believe in evolution as much as they do idk pangea or some shit like that#look I know its real but ive got 20 years of brainwashing to undo#the post was meant to stay among mutuals but I completely forgot reblogs existed so thats on me#I'll reply to people there eventually but i am in no headspace to do that right now haha#this is technically vent art so#vent art#(btw this is by no means me being upset at the replies! i just got flashbanged with more attention than i had anticipated)#(it was truthfully only intended for mutuals to see because i can handle talking to people with usernames I'm already familiar with)#(not several that i have never seen)#its 12:45 now not 12:01 why did it take me so long to type all of this
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...
#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing#ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like#visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do#so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible#mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done#but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing#how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate#and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem#it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research#assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head#and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck#it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing?#i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads#to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood?#hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing?#idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed#bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me#so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a#slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would#b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh.#unrelated
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live footage of me fighting for my life to play nice with solaris' immunocompromisation. btw. if you even care.
#not tagging this this one's only for the real ones#its all sniffles and staying in bed and fabby coming over with a banger bowl of soup#until you look in the deepest pits of my mind where im beating back those m.lp in.fection aus with a stick#because. idk i hate being self indulgent and having fun#haha nooo dont look at my iey.td zombie apocalypse au that only vaguely exists as a nebulous concept in my head... youre so sexy...#i was literally going to talk abt the zombie au today but like. obviously i cant NOW.#not that it's fleshed out to any degree. but still
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Working on some designs for one of my oldest OCs, “Cure” (Patreon)
I also managed to track down some of her initial concept sketches from 2018 - why 2018 considering I called her one of my oldest OCs?
Well, her design has always been rather elusive, even more so since she spent so much time in my head without being brought to paper - even these sketches make mention of it!
Pretty sure she got “Cure” in 2018 too - starting to take form!
#Doodles#Original#The quotes are very intentional lol#As stated under the cut I started designing her in 2018 but she's existed since around 2007-ish? Latest would be 2010#Part of her having such a range of uncertainty is that it took me many many years to consider putting her to paper!#She might've existed in 2007 but there's no record! She might've existed in 2010 but no record! I don't think I even wrote about her#She was a completely mentally-extant OC for many many many years#Partially because at the time I had just started drawing and knew I wouldn't be able to put down what was in my head to physicality#And then the longer she stayed in my head the more she became that kind of mental kaleidoscope ever-shifting impossible-to-draw design#But screw that! I have a few years of doodling under my belt now! Even if I can't get her quite right I can at least make an attempt!#It's especially funny because outwardly she is meant to be a pretty generic teddy bear lol - not Exactly but more like the vibe of one#Round and plush and innocent - innocuous#And really she's not like Nefarious or anything lol - she's not what she seems but she also is?? It's hard to explain lol#A lot of it does still come down to subtleties so it actually is still hard to capture but it'll only keep getting harder the longer I wait!#So at least pinning down Some things about her design that I'm happy with and can refer to helps the me down the line haha#The first one is actually pretty close! It's always a coin flip on whether the first one is a disaster or nails it haha#The heart ears and straight body are pretty good tho I gotta say#And honestly it was the little lace-ribbon bracelet that was the deciding factor for me to try drawing her again haha#I had an idea I thought was silly but to do it I needed a design to work with!#Getting there getting there - every little bit closer
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I know I've been particularly incoherent for the past few days (again), and it's so dramatic and ridiculous but it seriously feels like something is punishing me. I just want to like things a normal amount. I just want to like people and characters a normal amount.
I don't want to become so fully obsessed that literally nothing else exists and thinking about anything else feels like my brain is being stabbed with a thousand tiny knives. I don't want to need to find every piece of information I possibly can on whoever it is this time. I don't want to feel like I'm (literally) losing my mind when I see them. I don't want any of this!
I can not believe that I exist as a human being on this stupid planet just to get obsessed with people over and over and over again forever.
#like it's not. fun. it's not 'oh haha I just like this guy a lot :3' no it feels like. dying.#like I said I know it's fucking dramatic I know. but it feels SO BAD#and sometimes SO GOOD because nothing else gives my brain that feeling but god damn it most of the time it's just painful#maybe I should try drugs#probably.#maybe I should start drinking again#that made it bearable#but no that's. stupid#but my god how am I supposed to go through this again and again and again so many times in a row#I don't know how to explain how fucking devastating it is to attach yourself to. some stupid idiot (I'm sorry I don't mean that.). only to#not really care anymore after a couple months#what do you MEAN. I literally love this person with every stupid fibre of my stupid being and now he's just. some guy again??#I don't know. how. not to do this. it's not a choice! it's not something I DO. it HAPPENS to me.#and it only doesn't happen when I'm so depressed that I want to actively die.#anyway yeah it's about John Larroquette and Dan Fielding and Jenkins and yeah I'm the fucking stupidest fucking dumbass on earth#someone hit me in the head to fix my brain please#and seriously this is not normal. it can not be normal. this is not how normal people feel about stuff. it can't be#I think this is why I don't get fandom culture. and shipping specifically. like. no I'm not. I'm not enjoying these characters. I'm not#watching this show and thinking aww these two should kiss :)#I'm. not there anymore. I don't fucking exist. all I do. is think about this person. I can't stop it.#I am not a person when I don't feel like this. I'm not even real. I'm just whoever I'm obsessed with. I say that so much but that's how it#feels! I'm not real.#so anyway when I say 'haha I'm fine' what I mean is no I'm not someone make my brain work right please#I just. see him and start crying. because it's so overwhelming.#maybe I should find a therapist and hope they speak English and show them this post :)#haha no that's ridiculous I could never mention this to a normal person#guess I'll just keep driving myself to insanity with this crap.#personal
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.... this was me........
#aneisha: [liked post] haha good times!!#me-- a ghost staring in through the window while fading into the gathering fog: no... no........#this is so stupid but I hate this in particular because#'I am dirty. BUT! my meat is clean' in a gruff fake russian accent is a thing that gets weirdly stuck in my head all the TIME#and like I can't just QUOTE MYSELF from a THING I SAID FOUR YEARS AGO to PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T THERE!!#and I largely don't hang out with zoo friends anymore because of Distance and Life Reasons and soforth#it lives rent free like A Quote but it's not a reference I can actually make because it only exists inside my own brain#SO THIS IS JUST INSULT TO INJURY#the ONLY PEOPLE WHO WERE THERE OTHER THAN JUSTIN... DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THAT IT WAS ME...... ACK#death of the dirty meat man author 😔#about me#irl frens#posts from facebook
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