#they literally get like one moment each to justify their presence in the game

[duvewing]

every time someone says "oh so you want them to waste 5 hours of cutscenes on side characters who already had their arc?" in response to someone criticizing how lady and trish were treated in dmc5 i tie a brick to a bunch of balloons to watch it float up and hope it lands on someone

[zombvic]

enemies to lovers w kenan??🙏🙏

EYE TO EYE (kenan yildiz x reader)

summary : in which y/n and a certain turkish-german football player dont see eye to eye

face claim : no one exact

notes : thank you for the request !! hope its like you wanted :3

pairings : kenan yildiz x reader , childhood "enemies"

Ever since you can remember, Kenan has been a constant presence in your life. From childhood, you two never saw eye to eye. He was always around, whether it was a family dinner, a holiday gathering, or a neighborhood barbecue. The day your families became intertwined marked the start of what seemed like the ideal love story—the boy and girl next door. But reality was far from that.

As your families grew closer, it seemed like opposites attracted for them. Kenan was considered the typical jock: charismatic, popular, always surrounded by friends, and stereotypically, a football player. You, on the other hand, were far more reserved but possessed a strangely attractive confidence.

Kenan always challenged you. As the years passed, your dynamic didn't change. Your parents wanted you to be friends, but neither of you made the effort. Despite your parents' close friendship and frequent attempts to foster a bond between you, neither cared enough.

As you both grew older, the dynamics shifted subtly. The teasing evolved into playful banter, and the challenges turned into a mutual respect for each other's strengths. Yet, beneath the surface, there was an unspoken understanding that perhaps there was more to your relationship than met the eye.

"Y/n, the Yildiz family invited us for a get-together. Make sure you're on your best behavior," your mother said. You never really understood it; it wasn't you who made a huge deal out of your petty arguments. Hell, it wasn't even you who started the arguments. But it was never Kenan who got scolded; no, he was too perfect for that, wasn't he?

"And please, no more fighting. The last barbecue was more than enough." Ah, yes, the last barbecue—it ended with a small fire and a broken ankle. Obviously, it was my ankle; his football career would be in shambles if he broke his ankle during a friends and family event. But it wasn't my fault; he brought up the famous debate of who's the GOAT of Formula 1. I mean, you're literally German, what do you mean you don't think Schumi is the GOAT? The debate was supposed to be settled by a friendly game of pingpong, but it didn't end so friendly. What was I supposed to do, not dodge the racket he THREW at me? In my humble opinion, my actions were more than justified.

As my mom knocked on their front door, we were greeted by Engin, Kenan's father. Their house was cozy, shared between the parents and three boys. Every time we went over, the atmosphere was welcoming.

Kenan stood at the doorway, a sheepish grin on his face as he welcomed us inside. "Hey, Y/n," he greeted me, his tone surprisingly friendly despite our history.

"Hey," I replied, trying to mask the uneasy feeling his presence always seemed to stir in me. His eyes held some sort of amusement, as if he could sense my discomfort. I walked past to enter the familiar space of their kitchen connected to the backyard entrance.

Engin ushered us towards the backyard where the rest of the family and a few guests were gathered around the barbecue grill. Kenan's brothers were playing football in the yard, their laughter blending with the hum of conversation.

"Hope you're hungry," Engin chuckled, flipping a burger on the grill. "We've got plenty to go around."

Kenan slid next to me as we walked to the table, his voice low. "So, how's life?" he asked with genuine interest.

I hesitated for a moment, surprised by his sudden sincerity. "Um, it's been alright," I replied cautiously. "Busy with school and all."

He nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah, I get that. Are you still into that video editing thing you were doing last summer?"

I couldn't help but feel a twinge of surprise that he remembered. "Yeah, actually. I've gotten some offers from certain companies."

"That's really cool," he said with a nod, a hint of admiration in his voice.

We reached the table where the food was laid out, and Kenan held out a plate for me to take first. I couldn't help but notice the small gesture of consideration, a far cry from our usual banter or tense interactions.

"Thanks," I said quietly, feeling a flicker of warmth towards him that I hadn't expected. Maybe, just maybe, there was more to Kenan than the cocky football player I always assumed him to be.

As the evening went on, the atmosphere at the barbecue shifted from tentative civility to a surprising ease between Kenan and Y/n. Engin's expert grilling skills were matched by his knack for storytelling, keeping everyone entertained with humorous anecdotes from his youth. The smell of grilled meat filled the air, mingling with laughter and the occasional cheer from the ongoing soccer match in the yard.

Kenan and Y/n found themselves drawn into a playful banter over who could stack their burger higher with toppings, each trying to outdo the other with combinations that ranged from classic to unconventional. It became a mini competition, with Kenan daring Y/n to try his "ultimate burger creation" while she countered with her own daring concoction of flavors.

"You're seriously putting pineapple and jalapenos together?" Kenan raised an eyebrow, eyeing Y/n's bold choice of toppings skeptically.

"Why not?" Y/n grinned mischievously, carefully balancing the overflowing tower of burger ingredients. "It's a winning combo."

Kenan chuckled, shaking his head in mock disbelief as he expertly flipped another burger on the grill. "Alright, I'll admit, you've got guts. Let's see if it actually tastes as good as it looks."

As the sun began to set, casting a golden hue over the backyard, Kenan's brothers approached with mischievous grins on their faces. "Hey, Kenan! Y/n! How about a friendly game of football?" they called out enthusiastically, kicking a soccer ball playfully towards them.

Kenan glanced at Y/n with a raised eyebrow, a hint of amusement in his eyes. "You guys sure you want to challenge us? You might regret it," he teased, his competitive spirit already rising to the surface.

Y/n chuckled, feeling a surprising rush of excitement at the prospect of playing alongside Kenan instead of against him for once. "Bring it on, boys," she replied confidently, flashing a grin that mirrored Kenan's.

With a nod from Kenan, they divided into teams—Kenan and Y/n against his brothers. The game started with playful banter and competitive energy, but something shifted as they played. Kenan's skill on the field was undeniable, his passes precise and his movements fluid. Y/n found herself naturally falling into sync with him, their teamwork surprisingly effortless.

They communicated with quick glances and nods, strategizing on the fly and covering each other's positions seamlessly. Kenan's brothers put up a good fight, but Kenan and Y/n's teamwork proved to be a formidable force.

"Nice pass!" Kenan called out as Y/n dribbled past Eren with skillful footwork, earning an approving nod from him.

"You're pretty good at football, Kenan. You should consider becoming a professional," Y/n joked with a playful smirk.

Kenan chuckled, shaking his head modestly. "I don't know about that. I'd probably miss all the glamour of backyard games like this."

"Get a room, lovebirds," His brothers teased from the sidelines, a mischievous grin on their face.

Y/n rolled her eyes, playfully nudging Kenan. "Ignore him. They're just jealous that we make a better team than they do."

The game continued with laughter, cheers, and occasional playful taunts exchanged between teams. As the friendly competition progressed, Kenan and you found themselves enjoying each other's company in a way they hadn't before. The usual tension and rivalry gave way to shared goals and a shared sense of accomplishment each time they scored or defended together.

As the sun dipped lower in the sky and the game wound down, The brothers conceded defeat with good humor, congratulating Kenan and Y/n on their victory.

"You guys were awesome!" Kenans brother exclaimed, grinning broadly as he bumped fists with Kenan and Y/n. "We'll have to challenge you again sometime."

Kenan chuckled, clapping him on the shoulder. "Anytime, little bro. Just be prepared to lose again," he teased playfully.

As they gathered their breath and laughter echoed in the cooling evening air, Y/n couldn't help but feel a newfound sense of camaraderie with Kenan. Working together had brought out a side of him she hadn't seen before—the focused, determined athlete who also knew how to have fun and appreciate teamwork.

"Thanks for the game, Y/n," Kenan said quietly, his tone sincere as he glanced at her with a soft smile.

You nodded, feeling a smile tug at your lips in response. "Likewise, Kenan. It was... refreshing," she admitted, surprising herself with the honesty of her words.

As they shared a meaningful smile, the evening continued with laughter, shared stories, and the hope for more moments like this—where they weren't basically on the verge of killing eachother, but actual friends, if not more.

im sorry this kinda doesnt have plot and sounds kinda npc but erm ! ignore that plz

[elysianymph]

my unpopular marauders opinions

(i'm scared 😟)

'nothing is ooc bc we know nothing about the characters!' might work with the girl characters and the lesser known ones but it does not fly when we are talking about the marauders and other characters like barty, regulus, etc. we have so much (biased) information on these characters and you can't erase all they were in the original text bc you want to make an oc in the marauders era.

sirius is literally one of the most interesting characters in the fandom and i hate how he's been dumbed down to regulus' brother or remus' boyfriend depending on who's pov we're reading. what happened to cool sirius and why has he become a loser who follows remus around like a lapdog??? what happened to casanova sirius who all the girls were into but he never paid them any attention??? what happened to the sirius who risked his life and ran away bc he refused to become like his parents??? and why has been reduced to a whimpering mess who cries bc remus is mean to him (ooc on remus' part too). you're lying to yourselves if you think sirius wouldn't start throwing hands the moment remus insulted him. i need to write an entire separate post for this bc it makes me viscerally angry when i see him portrayed like this. who decided that giving remus all of sirius' main character traits was a good idea??

similarly, remus has become so boring. he has literally become the toxic love interest in a werewolf story please STOP IT. i'm tired of remus constantly yelling and calling other people (specifically sirius) worthless or hitting their deepest insecurities but it's all justified bc it's the full moon and he's angry and emotional. it's overdone, it's toxic, it's boring and i don't want to see it. my remus will forever be a an old sweater-wearing, bookworm people pleaser who wanted nothing more than to have friends who loved him despite who he was and he treasured them so dearly when he found them. he carried extra pens and quills in his bag because he knew peter always forgot his, he always came to james' games to cheer him on despite not being interested in quidditch. idk what you people find appealing about remus thinking sirius is a nuisance or annoying when they're dating but it's not <3 he spent years staring at sirius' back during class and being satisfied to just be in his presence because he didn't think he deserved any of it. how could he wish for more when sirius was wrapping an arm around him and whispering the plan to their newest prank? you want me to think the shy boy who looked away anytime sirius made eye contact with him was a smooth talker who found sirius annoying?? at this point he's an oc with remus' face be fr

sirius >>> regulus any day. cry about it

speaking of regulus i hate how the fandom has characterized him. you've created sirius 2.0 with his storyline (while simultaneously slandering sirius' character) and then made him an emo version of remus' already awful characterization. he's not an uwu victim who begged his brother to come with him, he was a blood supremacist who was probably overjoyed that the stain on his family tree was gone. 'i hate you but i love you' describes the black brothers perfectly but that 'but' doesn't undo the hatred they feel for each other. sibling relationship are so complex, especially in a family like theirs, and their relationship would've been turbulent. by the time sirius had ran away i fully believe the hate they felt for each other was bigger than any love they had left. regulus who is a manipulative asshole, regulus who is actively trying to get rid of sirius so he can get to be the heir he thinks he deserves to be will always be more interesting than the way regulus is written in most jegulus fics.

also james would've literally bullied regulus. it's the truth

also, let james be an asshole! let james be a bully! he was a teenager for fucks sake let him be mean and cruel! give him an ego the size of the sun and nothing else to 'make it better'. he was an only child raised in a pureblood family, i would be more surprised if he didn't turn out to be a narcissistic teenager. he was talented and spoiled and wanted everyone to agree with him bc he had never been brought down to earth from his high horse. let him be messy. i don't understand why the fandom has such a problem with complex characters

this fandom hates on severus too much while babygirl-ifying characters who have done the same or worse than him. was he an asshole? yes. was he also a really interesting character that people choose to ignore or push aside bc he's not conventionally attractive? yes. you've idolized barty and evan and regulus, characters who are also canonically death eaters and have done unforgivable things, yet you continue to hate on severus because?? i don't like him either but commenting 'stan bambi' on every single severus edit is a bit too much effort for a character you claim to not give a shit about :/

remus would NOT be friends with barty, evan and regulus. he's a loser and those three would bully him to death

'i wish people would make more marauders era girls content-' 💥💥💥make it yourself. there is PLENTLY of girls content all you need to do is look in the tags (but oh wait you can't look in the tags bc no one in this fandom has apparently heard of fandom etiquette and they're all tagging every ship under the sun on a post about jegulus. trust me, if i wanted to see jegulus content i would go in their tag. now stop tagging it with dorlene and marylily)

idk if this one is that unpopular cause i've seen it around quite a bit recently but the lupins are literally one of the best families and they are so underrated. the relationships between hope and remus and lyall and remus and the effects that remus' lycanthropy has on them is always on my mind fr. you don't need to give every character mommy/daddy issues to make them interesting or complex ❤️

the prank is SO overdone. like every post prank fic is the same shit and i'm tired. sirius felt no remorse, remus called it an unfunny prank, get over it. it can be interesting to explore (especially sirius' thoughts during it and how remus deals with the consequences of one of his best friends betraying him) but so many times the prank has just been used to justify writing remus being so so incredibly shitty to sirius and poking at his every insecurity that at this point i don't even want to read about it anymore. remus had every right to be mad but once again you're ignoring the canon characterization just to make him seem like a badass when he would absolutely not confront sirius about it.

'[girl character] is just the female version of [male character]' literally makes me want to bite someone's head off. how is it that you have time to create whole new personalities for james, sirius, remus and every other male character under the sun but lily, mary, dorcas or marlene don't get that treatment?? slapping sirius' old characterization on marlene or remus' old characterization on lily doesn't make for compelling characters but none of you care enough to actually flesh these women out and make them something more. it's no wonder people complain about them being boring when the main fanon is just slapping on a guy's personality onto them but make it misogynistic. if you can give regulus an entire backstory and justify his every action then you can give the girls some interesting character traits in your works be fr.

rudy solos grant chapman 🫶🏻

[iridescentis]

for the ask game :)

001 - perfectdolls

Ooo fun!!

when I started shipping it if I did:

I wanna say a couple months ago? I think? the earliest perfectdolls reblog I did was early june and that makes sense since I got into RTC in april, so I've shipped them for roughly that long :)

my thoughts:

LOVEEEEE <333333 My darlings my favs they are WONDERFUL I could talk about them foreverrr

I think they have SUCH a fun dynamic with tons of potential like okay so Jane and Ocean, ADORE, the beauty of Ocean's character development coming from seeing the human in a lost girl with no identity and sacrificing her own motivations to give someone she never even knew the chance is poetic PERFECTION AGH <3 the love is just so complex and beautiful I could SCREAM, then we've got RTC fanon Penny and Ocean, so essentially Penny the blank canvas, which I also ADORE, I love seeing their dynamic with different Pennys since every writer has a different take on her

BUT ANOTHER THING. TELL ME LEGOLAND PENNY AND OCEAN AREN'T WONDERFUL. like you've got this girl who has ultimately done some fucked up stuff but doesn't swear, is very anxious and is trying to be a good person, and then little miss perfect over here with her high and mighty attitude THAT IS A WHOLE COMBINATION I LOVE (and will explore in my next multichap I mean what cough cough)

What makes me happy about them:

I think they have such cute potential, just from seeing how Ocean starts to soften to Jane's presence within the show but also outside of that, it's two girls who have done fucked up stuff, whether it was justified or not, finding each other and healing in a way. They have kinda similar backgrounds, and I think they would really ground each other. They just complete each other in that way, Ocean has the determination and outspokeness that Penny needs to stand up for herself and be confident, and Penny has that deep understanding and care for other people that Ocean needs (both for herself and to learn from)

What makes me sad about them:

THEY ARE SO TRAGIC. THEY ARE PEAK TRAGEDY TO ME. I WILL NEVER STOP WRITING FUCKED UP POETIC RAMBLINGS ABOUT HOW FUCKING SAD THEY ARE.

Ocean's sacrifice, letting go of Jane and in the process her only chance at life, just to let her last moments go towards something good, Jane leaving the girl who learned to care for her too late, the intrinsic separation between the two of them and life and death, two lovers who can never be together AGH IT'S SO GOOD. I think they are perfect for absolutely heartbreaking angst, cyclone accident included or not, and it will always make me weep

things done in fanfic that annoys me:

This is more of a general thing for RTC fics but it does annoy me in perfectdolls fics especially - Ocean's flaws being ignored. I totally get not wanting to delve into hard-hitting character stuff and redeeming her in a realistic, detailed way, sometimes you just wanna write some fluffy lesbians, I get that! But I do feel like some perfectdolls fics kinda butcher Ocean's character entirely to avoid having to address she's flawed or even that she's more than just a blushy mess in a romance scenario like she's always VERY outspoken and loud and energetic I just can't see her being shy, sweet and agreeable while also ignoring ALL of her faults

it's easier to gloss over her character being simplified when she's not the main one in a fic but it really bugs me when people just. get rid of the bad stuff with no explanation or even acknowledgement. and you really can't get away with that when she's half of the main ship in the fic. my only exception for this would be future AUs, like if they're in their 20s I think you're fine to move past that but still, OOC Ocean pisses me off in all shapes and forms

I think Penny is hard to write OOC because most fics don't use Legoland!Penny and thus have literally nothing to go off, so remarkably Penny characterisation doesn't ever really bother me, AS LONG AS SHE HAS CHARACTER. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GIVE BOTH OF THESE GIRLS A PERSONALITY.

okay I have ranted enough now 😅

things I look for in fanfic:

BACKSTORY. I FUCKING LOVE PERFECTDOLLS BACKSTORY. ALSO ANGST.

perfectdolls have great slowburn potential but sadly I do not have the patience for slowburn unless the fic is incomplete and I'm reading updates as they come out, so with oneshots and stuff I look for solid characterisation, probably post-cyclone but I'm not too fussy with that, some good build up and context, and just a lil bit of spice yk just a dash for some flavour

in a general sense, with fanfic I'm always looking for getting together, in universe, probably friends to lovers although rivals can be good, and like a maximum of 20k words

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: 

CDPLAYER 💞💓💖💕 MY LOVES. yeah if Penny is not with Ocean she is 100% with Tammy I love them DEARLY <3333

Ocean is a tricky one, I think I would be happy for her to end up with Constance, I'm not a huge blackrose shipper but I'm never mad at them as a side pairing in other fics, I would be comfortable with them together if not perfectdolls, although generally if I'm not writing perfectdolls Ocean won't end up with anyone

My happily ever after for them:

This one is hard because almost everything I have written or come up for them that has an ending always ends badly 😭 I have never written them a happy ending before oops

I think, them living together in the city in their twenties, both of them chasing their dreams, going to college together and moving in together afterwards, I think that could be cute

who is the big spoon/little spoon:

Jane x Ocean - Jane is the big spoon, Ocean is the little spoon RTC!Penny x Ocean - Penny is the big spoon, Ocean is the little spoon Legoland!Penny x Ocean - Ocean is the big spoon, Penny is the little spoon

what is their favorite non-sexual activity:

hmmm again the fact I only ever think about sad ass prompts for them is failing me 😭

this is more of genre of activities rather than a particular one but intimate non-sexual self-care is probably super important to them, like washing and brushing each others hair, doing their routines for each other, meditating together, just simple very close things to take care of each other

I think both characters can have tendency to neglect themselves and be detrimental to their own wellbeing (whether that's self neglect in pursuit of perfection or self-sabotage) and so I think taking care of each other in a sweet and healing way would be their favourite

for more generic answers I think they love doing things together, whatever it is, they love to be productive together like running errands, organising events/hang outs, volunteering (animal shelter perhaps?) and they are DEFINITELY the kind of people who love coexisting while doing their own thing, like doing homework in silence in the same room is precious to them, Penny listening to music while Ocean studies or plans whatever she's got her heart set on, and they would definitely call just to have each other on the phone even though they aren't talking

That's all I've got! This was fun :D

[nolavault]

I return with more bullshit (she has made up an entire Deltarune au in her attempt to justify shipping Mad Mew Mew and Queen)

Deltarune but the "legendary heroes" are the Ghost cousins. Mad Mew Mew takes Kris's role as the protag (her class is just "Magical Girl"), Blooky takes Ralsei's role as the party healer (they're a bard with their weapon of choice being a keytar), and Mettaton takes Susie's role as being. Well. Hard to work with. Rebellious. His class is ranger, but it's more in a Megaman way than in a traditional ranger way (this comes to fruition at the end of Chapter 2 when Queen gives him a robot body to possess)

Notable Story Differences:

Ralsei's still there!!! They still need a darkner to help seal the fountains! He's just not part of the main trio and ends up in this recurring bit of struggling to keep up with the cousins as everything possible in the universe somehow keeps cutting him off from the party. He holds no grudges, but it definitely does not help his insecurities.

Spamton is the main antagonist of Chapter 2 instead of Queen. Queen's "alliance" with Mew Mew ends up lasting wayyyy longer than intended and she completely gets distracted, allowing Spamton to sneak in and go Neo. I think this is more fitting for the cousins as it acts as a like "look in the mirror" moment for Mettaton in realizing that he doesn't want to become like Spamton, while Mew Mew can relate to the abandonment and "Finding the Perfect Body" aspects of his story.

The Ghost Family is relatively poor and, before Blooky managed to score a "job" at the police department, they didn't have a house and lived in the dumps around where Alphys is. One day, Alphys sunk way too much money into a life size Mew Mew figure that mysteriously vanished within a week (twas stolen by Mew as a ghost)

Mettaton gets his robot body at the end of Chapter 2 and is a ghost prior to this. Napstablook never gets a physical body as he prefers just, not being physical. They're comfy that way. They are offered one several times, and each time he refuses.

More on the poor household aspect, the family mostly relies on the library computers for internet access (Mew Mew has to use MTT's account for she is banned from the library). They have a home computer, however it's extremely slow due to all the music programs Blooky has installed (and also all the free totally-not-a-virus-we-promise games Mew Mew installed on it. She exclusively plays Dress Up Games, Kick the Buddy -likes, and Doom).

I mention Mew being banned from the library as Queen knows literally nothing about her, no matter how hard she tries, and keeps confusing Mew Mew's searches for Mettaton's. Queen also gives him transitioning tips, which is how he gets the idea for a robot body at the end of the chapter.

Napstablook music autisms with Sweet Cap'n Cakes and they recognize its music and are like. Honored to be in the presence of such a great composer. Blooky to them is what Toby Fox is to any mentally ill teenager with a music program and the Earthbound soundfont.

Also Queen and Mad Mew Mew are gay in this. I don't make the rules. They just are. Cap'n calls Queen a "hot mama" and Mew Mew hisses in response.

I don't have a name for this au yet but my autism. Is immense. And I have been thinking abt it literally all day.

[losthomunculus]

Online Safety Relevant to the Current State of the Internet

On twitter I made a tweet about how online safety lessons in school can be very out of touch but that the advice of people who are familiar with the current internet shouldn't be disregarded. So here's my informal collection of online safety tips

Sources: unrestricted internet access since elementary school (not recommended), being a formerly involuntarily home bound person for several years that amassed way too much online experience

This could possibly hold upsetting reminders to people who had bad experiences online including mentions of grooming and emotional manipulation so please proceed with caution!

Information Sharing

Make an online pseudonym for public profiles and websites.

Don’t feel like you have to list everything about you for the world to see.

Sometimes it’s not a question of “can this information be used to locate and identify me irl?”, but simply “do I want this information publicly available and linked to my online persona?”

Unlike offline, being online leaves a constant trail of who you were accessible at all times. People are constantly growing and changing. Try to limit the information you share so you can ditch that trail and start over if need be.

Sharing information with people you make friends with and trust is a judgement call on your part, but always be on the safe side and be protective of your information.

Start as cautious as possible with online safety. Any risks or judgement calls can come later when you are 1. aware of the risks, 2. ready to address them if they occur, and 3. have gathered plenty of information instead of doing something blindly and hoping for the best.

Do not share your triggers publicly, they can very easily be used against you. Instead use websites with a large amount of filtering options to curate your online experience. If you are going to share them, only do it privately with people you trust.

Importance of Boundaries

It doesn’t matter how mature you are, don’t enter age limited spaces you don’t qualify for. It’s disrespectful to the boundaries of the people who made that space. Boundaries like this exist for the comfort of both sides involved.

Just because you can “handle it” doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Desensitization is not something to brag about.

Venting or making r18 posts as a minor on a public account is VERY dangerous. Intense emotional vulnerability is something manipulators will look for as a way to get to you. The same with sexual jokes to develop your comfort talking about those topics casually and eventually escalating the situation. If you are going to talk about such things please keep that in private conversations with people you trust in your age group.

Note the difference between public and private online space. Tweeting something on a public account is not the same as having a conversation in the cafeteria with your friends.

If an adult tries talking to you about r18, run the other way. Doesn’t matter how cool you are, it says something weird about THEM if they’re willing to talk to a minor about that stuff.

If someone( like 3+ years, honestly depends on how old you are) older than you wouldn't be comfortable saying what they're saying to you in front of other people (like a teacher or guardian), that's suspicious as hell. Run in the other direction.

The younger you are, the more age gaps matter. There's a bigger difference in development between a 13 year old and a 17 year old than there is between a 20 year old and a 24 year old. It helps to try to contextualize it with real people instead of numbers. Instead of thinking "oh just 4 years? that's not that weird" consider "oh. that would be like a freshman (13/14) dating a senior (17/18). yikes."

Be just as wary of people your own age talking about things that make you uncomfortable. Just like irl, sometimes you’ll meet people your age that are hurtful.

Friends complain to each other and talk about their issues, that alone is fine. But when people are doing it without permission, draw a line. When people are making it feel like you’re responsible for maintaining their mental health, you need to draw a line. When it starts to effect your mental health, PLEASE DRAW A LINE! I know it feels like your responsibility sometimes, but it’s not. You cannot be there for others if you’re not taking care of yourself first and foremost.

Don’t be afraid to block people. Even for petty reasons. It’s good to block people. Don’t force yourself to see stuff you don’t want to see.

Being Constantly Online

The 24 hour news cycle is not a good thing to follow 24/7. Taking social responsibility is a good thing, but your brain is NOT built to worry about every issue in the world at once. One strategy I use for staying sane is I try to only check the news once a day, and if something needs more attention to set aside an amount of time I’m going to focus on it before I need to take time to step back.

Touch grass. Not literally, unless you can in which case I highly suggest it, sometimes it’s just good to lay in a field. What I mean is you need to dedicate a good portion of your time to being offline (sleep does not count). What your offline time looks like is going to differ depending on your level of ability, but even if you are house bound it’s important to build some hobbies that don’t rely on the internet. Talking to people offline is also a good goal if possible, even just to your housemates.

Social etiquette greatly differs online and offline and sometimes the reminder that were all just Some People gets lost behind the numbers and the fabricated personas. Keep in mind the difference in how information is shared without forgetting that the fact we are all people remains the same.

Be generous with your etiquette. You will avoid a lot of stress if you conduct yourself with the same politeness you would have in an offline interaction. Master the art of "minding your own business" for your own sake.

Arguments and Competition

As soon as you can, you need to internalize the fact that leaving an argument is not losing.

It is inevitable you will be exposed to many people who disagree with you. Some people only want to argue to rile you up. Sometimes that’s not their intention, but it’s what they’re doing. You do not have to remain in conversation with people, especially if they’re not interested in actually coming to an understanding. Even if they are interested, sometimes they just suck!! Leave!! You can leave!!

On that note, sometimes you are going to get valid criticism and it’s going to hurt. That is part of learning. If someone says you messed up and did something hurtful, take a second to step back from your defensiveness and consider: intent ≠ effect. Apologize, repair what you can, and move forward with the ability to do better in the future. You’re going to mess up every once in awhile, it’s inevitable.

To summarize the past two points: don't waste your time on unnecessary hostility but don't close yourself into an echo chamber either. Debates should be about learning.

Sometimes people are not going to like you. This happens offline too but people tend to be a lot more blunt online. Sometimes people dislike you for no reason or for really petty reasons. That’s not your problem, move on.

Don’t actively seek out people you don’t like or who don’t like you to argue with. Whether or not your side is the “right side” doesn’t matter, it’s going to cause you so much unnecessary stress. Feel free to keep posting your opinions on your own profile but don’t seek out unnecessary conflict.

This is a different type of competition than previously mentioned, but be aware of the danger of comparing yourself to other people. Especially if you’re a creative or student, DO NOT GET SWEPT UP IN THE GRIND CULTURE. It’s more subtle in some places than others, but anytime you see the notion that you should be working yourself to the bone be VERY critical. Also be critical of any online cultures (such as gaming and art communities) that brag about unhealthy habits or act like it’s ~part of the culture~ (ex: all nighters, not taking breaks, getting hurt. Any activity that neglects health to work toward a goal).

Not just grind culture, any community of subculture that shares anti recovery sentiments is a huge red flag. Even if they're joking, it's not worth the risk of internalizing those statements.

Everyone’s social media presence is to some degree doctored because it’s a purposefully selected collection of what they allow you to see. It’s fine to like the persona you see being displayed, but never forget that it is not reflective of the entire person. Everyone online is JUST SOME PERSON. Do not forget that and start holding yourself to a standard you can’t even see every side of.

By posting online you are opening yourself to criticism. Whether or not it’s justified can vary, but either way it’s going to happen. Mute stuff, go private, disable comments, etc if you need to.

Misc Tidbits

these are technically just general info that is also good for offline but I have seen things that make me think people online need the extra reminder.

Learn what cults are, how they recruit, and what they do to their members. I'm not kidding. This is particularly relevant at the moment because of current societal unrest and widespread loneliness. No one is immune to cult propaganda, and not every cult is based on pre established religion or family. Many exist ONLINE and are able to manipulate people without ever meeting face to face. (learn more: Loneliness as a Pandemic: The Dangers of Online Cult

Familiarize yourself with the concept of pseudoscience. Please familiarize yourself with the concept of pseudoscience and then learn how to identify pseudoscience. (learn more: Karl Popper, Science, & Pseudoscience: Crash Course Philosophy #8)

Q. How do I know if a source is reliable?

Final Thoughts

It's important people of ALL ages learn these lessons, because the internet is constantly changing and we are all vulnerable when in the presence of other people.

Be cautious and stay safe

[yoonpobs]

bad boy good thing x.

pairing: jeon jungkook x oc

genre: angst, smut, fluff, miscommunication (we hate her lol), pining

warnings: smut, jungkook is really an asshole, the angst hurts a lot tbh, unhealthy relationships (?)

words: 8, 711

summary: a series of drabbles where you're confused and jungkook's confusing

a/n:

so here is the mini monster chap !! i know I said this was going to be a drabble series but I clearly got carried away LOL

anyways, no spoilers for this chap but I can say it's one of my favs that I've written and I think we see oc getting the comfort that she deserves (and needs!)

and also !! this is my first time updating a series on tumblr and it feels *exciting* hehe, I hope you enjoy this chapter c:

let me know your thoughts in my asks!! i'd love to hear what you think so far :3

all the love and I hope you're having a great

day/night/evening/afternoon wherever you are ❤️

“Open up!”

The only person that would opt to yell to get your attention than ring on your doorbell like a normal person would be Yena. And it helped that you immediately recognised her voice from the first syllable she uttered. That and you were currently moping in your living room with lactose-free ice cream, courtesy of Jimin that dropped it off a day ago when he heard that you were ‘sick’. Even if you hadn’t seen him face-to-face, you remember him softly hoping you’d get better.

You don’t know why she’s at your door, but you’re already on your feet to get her when you hear her begin to mutter curses directed at you behind the thin wood of your entrance.

“I can hear you!” You call.

“Well bitch then open the damn door!” She snaps.

You roll your eyes, and so far with the number of times you’ve hung out with her, it’s safe to say that the two of you were comfortable. You never knew how fun having a girl best friend was until you met Yena, and sure it’s only been a little under two weeks since you’ve gotten to know her through various messages and FaceTimes, but you feel like she’s your friend soulmate.

And when you expressed that to her over a FaceTime call a few nights back, you remember her gagging all while you flush and attempt to take it back. You know her candidly calling you bitch rather than your name was her saying she felt the same.

You pull the door open as she stands there with her eyes narrowed into slits, eyeing you up and down before she scrunches her nose.

“There’s a thing called a shower that you should look into. You look like a rundown version of long-haired Noah Beck.” She grimaces when she eyes you up and down.

You scowl. “You did not just compare me to him.”

She clicks her tongue before she shoves you aside by shoving a plastic bag of the takeout food into your arms and steps into your apartment.

Yena ignores the glare you shoot at the back of her neck when she looks around your living room, scrunching her nose like she was here to inspect your room than pay you a visit.

“Did someone die in here or was that just your will to live?”

You scoff. “Wow. Drag me.”

She waves you off before plopping onto your couch while you sigh, immediately heading to the kitchen to prep the food she brought over.

“For a moment I thought you were dead.” She confesses casually.

When you return with bowls and plates, with the cutlery to match—you give her a dry look before you’re taking your seat on the floor; attempting to hide your half-eaten tub of ice cream, which Yena immediately spots.

“So your first instinct was to yell at my door in hopes that I wasn’t actually dead?” You ask dryly.

She picks up your ice cream and grimaces at it, silently judging you for the flavour before she gives you a shrug.

“Yeah. I was hoping that your spirit would confer.”

You snort. “And the food?”

“A peace offering.” She tells you like it’s obvious.

You sigh, you loved Yena—you really did. She was all over the place and random, but it was a refreshing difference that you needed in your life from the usual law and order you often opted for.

“Not that I don’t appreciate your concern,” You tell her, pulling out a container to see your favourite lemon chicken as you eye her suspiciously. “But what brings you here? I told you I was sick.”

Yena scoffs. “And sick you are, bitch. What kind of sick person devours ice cream? Sure, you look the part but your diet says otherwise. Don’t think I didn’t see the empty packet of snickers in the trash.”

You scowl.

“I recovered yesterday.” You lie, taking a bite out of the chicken.

Yena rolls her eyes and you know she doesn’t believe you. She leans into your couch while she watches you eat, “Namjoon texted me that you may need some company.” At that, you choke.

Her eyes widen as you hit at your chest to get the food to go down, eyes still wide at her revelation.

“Why would he do that?” You cry.

“Girl, I know you’re not trying to deflect—you’re literally about to choke and die.”

You glare at her. “I’m fine.” You cough for good measure, then you’re levelling another serious gaze at her.

“I’m fine.” You reiterate with an emphasis on your state even though you were anything but. “I don’t know why the hell he thinks I need company.” You mutter under your breath.

At this, Yena’s face softens as she leans forward to rest her elbows on her knees while you avoid her gaze; idly poking at your food.

“I don’t know either, and you don’t need to tell me anything.” She says softly. “That’s all I’m here for. To be your company, whether you need it or not.”

You don’t know how much Namjoon told her over a text message, but you don’t think it’s much. Purely because he didn’t seem like a snitch and he was too respectful to ever let other people into the business that wasn’t his own. Even at the thought, you want to groan because you essentially lured him into thinking it was okay for him to kiss you while you were … you don’t even know what the fuck was happening anymore.

“I—” You say weakly, and all Yena does is offer you a comforting smile.

For some reason, the fact that she’s here right in front of you after you spent the day crying and feeling like your heart has been repeatedly stomped over with the addition of your rumination—it feels nice to have someone with you, even if it’s just their presence.

But the way she doesn’t look at you and expects something out of your conversation makes you feel even more overwhelmed, and that’s probably why the dam breaks.

Yena’s eyes widen as she immediately darts out to wrap her arms around you when you end up in violent sobs. You don’t know why you’re crying but you are, and you’re tired of hiding things, your feelings and your intent just to pretend like things were okay.

“It’s okay.” She strokes your hair and it feels warm, like a mother comforting a crying baby and you realise that this is what friends should feel like.

“N-no it’s n-not!” You cry into her shirt and it’s messy, but she doesn’t seem like she minds. Especially when she supports your pliable frame.

“You wanna talk about it?” She asks softly, giving you a kind smile.

You sniffle, staring forward as you feel your eyes swell with the escalation of your tears.

“I don’t know.” You whisper.

She hums, “It’s okay not to know. You don’t need to know everything.”

“I’m just so tired, Yena.” You tell her in a hushed breath.

“Life is difficult.” She admits. “It’s natural to be tired.”

You’re thankful to hear that she doesn’t comfort you with blind optimism. She’s real and she acknowledges how shitty things may be, and frankly, you didn’t need another wannabe altruist telling you that things will get better. You knew that, everyone did. But when you’re at rock bottom and all you see is darkness, you’re not looking for better. You’re looking for a reason to continue.

“Can I say something?” She asks. The way she looks at you is soft and open, and non-judgemental. You feel safe.

You nod your head, teary eyes staring up at her.

“You’re not responsible for anyone’s feelings except your own.” She looks at you so seriously that you nearly feel your breath escape. “There are things that you can and cannot control—and the latter usually falls under the people around you.”

You suck in a breath, and you wonder how she’s so spot on without ever touching on the true context.

“Namjoon texted me but I didn’t come here because he asked me to. It’s because you deserve to have someone be around you when you’re clearly not okay.”

“I’m—”

“You’re not.” She blinks, and you almost pout at her firm tone. “And that’s okay. I don’t need to know what happened to justify how you feel. You could’ve stubbed your toe and feel like absolute shit and I have absolutely no right to judge you on how or when you feel emotions.”

You wonder where she’s been your entire life and why she was only in your life now.

“But the thing is,” She sighs. “You don’t always have to choose between something or the other. Sometimes you need to choose yourself.”

You stare up at her in awe because Yena was cool in general, her laidback and unbending personality was mainly what drew you to her because you’d argue you were the opposite. Even if Jungkook’s words stung, you could take it at face value and accept that it was true.

You were uptight and you were a bit of a prude, and for the longest time, you always resented that aspect of you. But you realised with Yena, she had traits that were resented in a woman as well. And you realise that you’d never be perceived the way you want unless you perceive yourself in a positive light first.

So when she speaks to you so sternly, yet with a tone of care as she picks apart her words so carefully—you realise what you have to do.

“I think I like Jungkook.”

Yena pauses for a brief second, but you don’t see any judgement in her face. Just confusion, a warranted emotion you don’t blame her for having.

“I figured as much.”

Your eyes widened, “How—?”

It’s almost like a repeat of the first night at the football game when you befriended each other, but she only shoots you a gentle smile.

“Call it a woman’s intuition.”

You blink, fiddling with your fingers before you stare up at her, continuing your drawls.

“And we kissed.”

At this, Yena cocks an eyebrow up, “Was this recent?”

You fiddle with your thumbs before you sigh and push yourself up.

“Thing is …” You mumble, “I’m not like that.”

You don’t answer her question because you can’t think of a proper enough response to tell her that yeah—you did kiss him, amongst other things that you foolishly allowed yourself to indulge in. You knew Yena wasn’t judgemental but you also knew that you couldn’t retrieve your words the moment they left your mouth. It was your own judgement that stopped you from saying the things you really wanted and it sucked, royally. Because you could tell that Yena wasn’t out here to crucify you for being … liberated. She just wanted to be there for you.

Yena scrunches her eyebrows in confusion as she allows your words to settle, pondering a response.

She settles for a huff, “Care to elaborate?”

“I don’t … do things like that.” You say softly. “I’m shy and quiet. I’m not active in the social sphere and I only have three friends that I can reach out to if I wanna hang out. But even then, I don’t … I don’t like partying, or drinking, or loud spaces. I’m awkward and horrible at social interaction let alone being able to navigate my romantic feelings. And … I felt so bad about it.”

Yena’s eyes soften, but you can’t look at her just yet. Not when this is the first time you’ve ever laid yourself vulnerable, emotionally that is, to someone that wasn’t just the confines of your thoughts.

“I always wondered what it’d like to be confident, to be liked on campus and not just be known as the smart girl.” You whisper. “My entire personality was built around my achievements and I didn’t know what else to do. What if … what if I peak here and fail after?” Your eyes are wide in despair, and you feel your lips quiver when you speak.

“You’ll never know.” Yena reminds you gently. “You won’t know who likes you or what people say about you—but you’re going to be hearing your own thoughts 24/7 and that’s what kicks you down or drives you further.”

You sigh, nodding your head.

“It’s just … Jungkook and I were close. We grew up together even if he’s younger than me. But we just got along well and he … he saw me. He used to comfort me whenever I’d tell him how pressuring it got and—I feel so stupid because he probably says that to everyone and I fell for it.” You chuckle with no emotion, staring at the stray thread poking outside of your couch pillow.

“Have you spoken to him about your feelings?” She asks softly.

Immediately, you scoff and the sour emotion peaks through again.

“He’s made it clear what he wants to hear from me.” You mutter.

Yena purses her lips before resting her hands gently on your shoulder.

“You’re not answering my question, ______.” She chides gently.

You nibble on your bottom lip and shake your head. That earns a sigh from her as she wraps her arms around you once again, resting her chin on your shoulder as you allow yourself to feel the comfort of her warmth.

“He kissed me first and we did things together.” Your lips quiver when you recall the memories, “A-And he’s with Jennie. I just …” You flutter your eyes shut, “I don’t want to say that I’m the other girl but I feel a lot like a second option and it sucks.”

Yena doesn’t ask, and she doesn’t need to. She doesn’t need to justify why you felt the way you did, so she holds you tighter.

“Babe.” She gently turns you to look at her with both hands resting on your shoulders. “Did you talk to him? Properly? Do you really know if he’s with her?”

“I think them kissing proves enough to me.” You snap, and you don’t know why you’re being so hostile, especially to Yena.

She purses her lips, “You kissed him and you aren’t together.”

You wince and she shoots you an apologetic look. She sighs before reaching out to squeeze your hand, all while you stare at the ground to level out your emotions.

“I’m not saying that you can’t feel the way you do. But I’m offering objectivity here. Men are … they’re blunt creatures and that’s the biggest difference between men and women.” You furrow your eyebrows as she takes a deep breath before she continues. “And the idea that we’re equal? No, we’re not. I’m not talking about our systemic positions in society but on an emotional level. Men take things surface value and work with it, they don’t stop to think about the layers of feelings that go into interpersonal relationships with friends, family or lovers. Women? We go big or we go home. All we see is the big picture and sometimes the little details get lost in translation. This isn’t me justifying Jungkook playing home with you or Jennie at the same time, but offering you a perspective that may be hard for you to see because you aren’t him.”

It was true, and you hated yourself for being aware but not putting action based on your own thoughts. Yena only reaffirmed the idea that you overthought every single interaction and maybe that was why you were the one that was hurting.

That, or you and Jungkook had horrible communication problems that neither of you was ready to face just yet. But how could you? When the two of you were on two different wavelengths and you were trying to be just enough for him while he was jumping off pedestals to see you.

It didn’t feel nice, and it sucked because he was the same person that comforted you and broke you all at once.

“I’m scared.” You whisper.

She smiles at you gently, patting your head gently as you peer up at her with tears between your lashes.

“And that’s okay.” She reassures you with a soft voice, “The only thing scarier than being scared is not feeling at all.”

Before you go to where your heart tells you to—your mind is the only thing that keeps you rooted in some form of rationale. That’s probably why you’re outside of Namjoon’s dorm. You don’t think you’ve ever paid his place a visit despite him telling you his address on multiple occasions, usually opting to hang out in public yet serene places where you were able to get a breather.

Your feet feel heavy and your fist is raised, but it barely moves. Especially when you’re just eyeing his door like a deer caught in headlights. You’ve rehearsed the apology on your tongue a million times, even if you don’t really know what you’re apologising for. But you feel like you must, particularly because you’ve senselessly let him see all of the feelings that you were trying to suppress in hopes of retaining the same ones he had for you.

You take a deep breath and deliver the first knock, the vibrations making your arm feel weak.

But you’re tired of always surrendering to bigger and more frightening things that you could understand. So you purse your lips and play the waiting game.

It seems like a long twenty minutes that you wait, but in reality, it’s only two when the door swings open. You brace yourself to see Namjoon, apology already sitting on your tongue.

You should’ve dropped a text, you knew that. But you decided against it because you haven’t spoken to Namjoon since what happened a few days ago. Neither of you speaking about the kiss or the way your eyes glistened when you saw Jungkook and Jennie together.

“____?” He asks confusedly.

You give him a meek smile, “Hi. Can I come in?”

He blinks at you, and you notice he still has his glasses that he usually forgoes during the times you’ve hung out—and you feel a little guilty for catching him at a bad time.

“Yeah.” He clears his throat. “Sure.”

Namjoon steps aside and you’re welcomed into the space of his living room. The first thing you notice is the interior, and how … Namjoon it was. It’s both cluttered and neat, the palette of his furniture matching the overall vibe he emanated. His furniture is mostly wood, light sandalwood that makes it feel all the homier.

And you tell him such, “You have a very homey place.”

Namjoon turns his head to look at you right before he plops himself back onto his couch where you see the bits and pieces of paper scrambled across the floor and the couch. Even then, he was able to look so welcoming even though you reckon he has a right to be hostile—for a reason you came here to apologise for.

“Thank you.” He flushes, patting a spot in front of him for you to take your seat.

When you settle, the atmosphere turns strained when you mull over your words so that you wouldn’t stumble over them. You practised, you did—about a hundred times before you came here and you thought you were ready to apologise and put things behind you but it’s proven difficult when all he does is look at you in earnest.

“Not that I—uh—mind,” He mumbles, “But is there a reason why you’re here?”

You blink at him as you ignore the quiver in your heart.

“I’m sorry.” You blurt.

“_____ why are you—”

“You didn’t deserve what happened the other day.” You interject, voice soft but unwavering when you force yourself to look at him as his eyes widen.

“I wasn’t the one that saw something I shouldn’t have.” He reminds you with a frown.

You swallow, “I kissed you. And you …” It wasn’t helping that he was looking at you so gently as he awaits your continuation. “You didn’t need to save me back then, Namjoon.” You end in a whisper.

Namjoon reaches out to grab your shoulder, touch gentle as he searches for your eyes.

“I didn’t save you …” He tells you tenderly.

“It’s not just that!” You exasperate while you throw your hands up in the air. “I-it’s everything … from the way you treat me and the way you look at me. You didn’t need to do any of that and you even—” You trail off, fluttering your eyes shut. “—what did you say to Jungkook right before we left?”

Namjoon’s eyes enlarge as his grip becomes tense against your shoulder. You can almost see the way his mind kicks into gear as he thinks of a response.

“That—I—does it matter?” He huffs.

Your eyes soften, “Namjoon.” You force yourself to look at him even if now he was the one that tries to avoid your gaze. “What did you say?”

Namjoon tightens his lips before he sighs deeply, head dropping forward before he looks at you.

“I told him to be honest.” He says softly.

You furrow your eyebrows, “To be honest …?”

“I know you have feelings for him.”

Your face blanches when Namjoon basically exposes you. It’s one thing for you to be self-aware of your complicated feelings towards the other boy. But when someone else points it out, especially when it’s Namjoon—the boy who’s been nothing but kind and patient with you while you’re too busy being caught up in your emotions—it’s like a slap across your face.

“I-I don’t—”

“You don’t need to lie to save my face, ______.” He chuckles dryly, eyes darting away as he tries to neutralise his expression. You wince at the spite he establishes, but you know deep down that Namjoon isn’t angry at you. No, he was far too understanding to be. Disappointed? Frustrated? Sure, but never angry,

The silence answers for you when you look away this time, eyebrows scrunched as you attempt to navigate the conversation. You came here to apologise, and to be honest.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper.

“Don’t.” He takes a deep breath as you flinch. “Don’t … apologise.” He sighs.

“I didn’t mean to lead you on, Namjoon.” You murmur apologetically.

He shoots you a half-hearted chuckle, “You didn’t do anything. Really.”

“But I did, Namjoon. I kissed you back.” You frown.

“That doesn’t imply anything. I kissed you, and you reciprocated. We all kiss someone and not mean anything by it.”

You flinch, and you’re familiar with that more than anyone else. The reminder only stings because it makes you realise that you were not much different from Jungkook, the same person you’ve claimed to have messed with you and fucked you over.

“I’m—”

“Please don’t apologise anymore.” He says. “I already feel like shit.”

You smile sadly at him, “How do you manage to be so nice even when other’s do you wrong?”

Namjoon sighs, then he grabs both your hands in his. “You didn’t wrong me, _____. It’s not your fault you don’t feel the same way I do.”

“How did you …” You trail off.

“How did I know you had feelings for Jungkook?” He chuckles. “The same way he knew I had feelings for you.”

You purse your lips, eyes dropping to your lap. “It’s not that simple, Namjoon …” You say softly.

Namjoon smiles at you gently, “Is it?” He gently nudges your knee with his so that you’d look at him. “Life is simple. It’s not easy. But it’s simple.”

You scoff even if a small smile teases your lips, “You really are a philosophy major, aren’t you?”

The two of you grin in tandem before he purses his lips, possible mulling over something before he faces you.

“The two of you are close so … why beat around the bush?”

Your eyes flutter shut, shaking your head. “Like I said, it’s really not that simple.”

He rolls his eyes at you, but it’s not to mock or taunt you. Namjoon simply sees a naive, yet an intelligent girl who doesn’t see what’s right in front of her.

“Remember what I said? I’m a simple guy.” He reminds you, lips in a grin. “Try me.”

You snort, but you’re still nervous. You still remember that he has feelings for you, so you’re hesitant. And he immediately recognises the guilt-ridden expression that you mar.

Namjoon shoots you a stern glare, “Don’t overthink it.”

You sigh.

“Jungkook and I …” You start, fiddling with your thumbs. “We grew up together.”

Namjoon rolls his eyes and shoots you another one of his bland stares. “I know the history. I just want to know why?”

You furrow your brows, “Why?”

“Why the two of you insist on being so emotionally constipated.”

You gape at his audacity, and you’re glad the atmosphere isn’t as tense because Namjoon simply snickers at your reaction.

“I am not—!”

He waves you off, “Really?” He adds dryly.

You purse your lips and relent, even if you didn’t want to agree with him—you knew that he was … right. To a certain extent.

“We kissed.” You blurt.

Namjoon raises an eyebrow, “That’s not surprising.”

You shoot him a dry look before he raises his hands in defence.

“He was my first kiss.”

At this, Namjoon’s widen.

“When you were in high school?” He pries.

You flush, embarrassed that you had to tell him otherwise.

“Two months ago.” You mutter.

Namjoon splutters, and you can’t help but glare at him when he quite literally chokes on his spit. You know you caught him off guard, but him rubbing salt in the wound that’s relatively fresh makes you scowl.

“Oh.” He clears his throat. Then he repeats, “Oh.”

You scoff, “Yeah. Oh.”

“Then … what happened?” You know he’s treading carefully with you when he asks you his question softly.

You purse your lips, and you recall every single moment you’ve shared with him. From giggles to hushed kisses, to intimate touches and sweat-stained sheets that have you gasping for air. You remember it all, and they meant … they meant the world to you, but just a speck in his memory.

“Things escalated and we … did stuff together.” You wince.

Namjoon nods in understanding, he gestures his hands around, “Like—”

“I’m a virgin.”

Namjoon blinks.

“And for the longest time, I felt embarrassed about it.”

“Oh.”

“I struggled to find my footing between being sexually liberated and being a woman because for the longest time I thought those two were mutually exclusive. For me, at least.” You say softly.

Namjoon only stares at you.

“And I always wanted validation from someone else to tell me that what I was doing was the right thing to do. Or the supposed thing to do. Never what I really wanted to do.”

“Not that I’m uncomfortable but … why are you letting me in on this?” Namjoon asks with a raised brow.

“Because I want to do something for myself for once.” You whisper.

“Okay …?”

“Why do you like me? Even if I’m … boring and not as sexy as other women?”

You sound pathetic, and the first person you find yourself comparing yourself to is Jennie—a beautiful, confident woman who looked so assured in herself.

“You’re not—”

You groan.

“Namjoon.”

“Okay.” He sighs. “If you’re asking me if I care that you’re a virgin, then no. I really don’t. Because frankly, that concept to me is false and problematic. Whether or not you’ve had sex or not isn’t any of my business.”

You duck your head.

“And I like you because you’re interesting. You’re funny and you’re assured in your own way. You don’t need to be a certain standard of pretty or sexy or whatever for me to like you. I like you because of the time we’ve spent together and that I’ve gotten to know you. The real you and not the person I admired from afar but the girl who throws in jokes out of nowhere but fits so well with the situation. The girl who’s willing to spend three extra hours of her time to help with content that wasn’t prescribed to her. I like you because I’d like to think I’ve grown to understand who you are.”

Namjoon says all of those things while staring at you straight in the face and you feel compelled to cry. Because no one has ever been so honest with you and you hate that your heart can’t reciprocate what should be an easy feeling that comes naturally.

“Fuck.”

His eyes widen.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He coos, a hand petting your hair gently as you sniffle.

“It’s not, Namjoon. Everything sucks because everything is so complicated. Why can’t I just have feelings for you instead?”

It’s selfish, and Namjoon winces. But you’re so overwhelmed that you miss it, and Namjoon is too nice to point his own feelings out.

“You don’t pick and choose your battles, _____.” He murmurs softly.

“That’s not what my mom told me.” You whimper.

He chuckles, “Yeah. Most people like to believe that because it makes them think that they have a choice over the bad things that happen in their lives. But in reality? They don’t. No one decides what happens to them. You pick and choose how you react to things. How you deal with situations and what you make out of those situations is what you can choose to do. You don’t like me, and that’s fine. You don’t have to just because I’m nice to you, _____. Being nice is the absolute bare minimum and something that everyone should feel and do.”

Your face crumbles, “Why are you so wise?”

Namjoon smiles, “I’m not. It’s called offering a different perspective. Just because I see things one way doesn’t make me any better than you who sees things in another. That’s why we meet different types of people throughout our lives. The good, the bad, the in-between. There’s always something people offer to us in the midst of chaos.”

You sigh.

“I’m sorry, Namjoon.”

He pats your head, “I said don’t apologise.”

“No, but I want to. You’ve been nothing but kind to me and you picked up a shitty situation to be in when Jungkook and Jennie were at the library. Even right after I kissed you. That was … a horrible thing to do. I shouldn’t have done that just because—just because I was confused … you don’t deserve that.”

He doesn’t look angry, and that’s even worst because you want him to react, to call you a bitch and say that you were a horrible person.

“I don’t.” He shrugs while you wince. “But a lot of the times we don’t deserve a lot of things that we get. And that’s okay. You did what you thought was justified then, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. But you’re hurting too, and you’re confused—that’s what drove you to do the things that you did, and even here. That’s why you’re apologising to me, right? Because you’re not as confused anymore?”

You shake your head.

“I am, I’m still so confused.” You whisper.

“Then let me offer you another perspective.”

You look up to him with big eyes as he smiles at you gently.

“You have feelings for Jungkook.” You immediately flinch, even if he didn’t hit you. But Namjoon continues. “You’re trying to keep the picture as simple as you can even if it hurts you in the process. But

“You don’t understand, Namjoon … we … did things … that I’m not proud off …”

“You don’t have to—”

“He was my first kiss. My first … sexual experience. Even if it was just … third base,” You cringe, but Namjoon isn’t judging you at all. “A-and that’s all I was to him. An experience.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Do I, Namjoon?” You say softly. “He said things to me that were so hurtful. And a stupid part of me forgives him but it still hurts every time I think about it and when I see him with Jennie.”

You whisper the words Jungkook’s said to you, and for the first time, you see Namjoon’s jaw harden. The most emotion that wasn’t rationale you’ve seen in Namjoon ever since you first arrived.

“I know it hurts.” He murmurs, holding you close. “And I really don’t want it to seem like I’m justifying his words … but would you want to hear me out?”

You purse your lips and nod nevertheless.

“Jungkook isn’t a bad person.” You blink, you never thought he was. “I know you don’t think he is but you want to. Because of the things he’s said to you because why would a good person say those kinds of things, right? But the world isn’t black and white like that. There’s a grey area where 99% of the population falls into because we operate on emotion and sometimes we say things that we may feel but not necessarily believe in.”

“Jungkook … he’s still young. And I know we’re in college and stuff but he’s still three years younger than I am and two years younger than you. He’s spoken to me about how hard it was to adjust to a high school life where you, Jimin and Tae weren’t a part of. And I don’t know about you but if the only friends I’ve ever known suddenly left because they had to … I wouldn’t know what to do either. He was at a point in his life where his environment played a huge part in the values and internalised beliefs he had.”

You look away as you reflect on his words, nibbling on your bottom lip.

“He mixed around with different groups of people, and I hate this saying but it’s still a common belief to many—especially people his age, almost out of high school. But the ‘boys will be boys’ mentality is more than just misogyny and sexism, but a culture where it feeds off complacency and peer pressure. Jungkook suddenly had to shift from three, good friends who were progressive and influential in an objectively good way to people he was obliged to like because they were his peers.”

You gape at him, purely because you knew that Namjoon was smart and wise but his introspection leaves you breathless and enlightened.

“But that doesn’t change the core of Jungkook,” Namjoon says. “He’s still Jungkook. He doesn’t know how to ask for things that he wants without feeling like he’s betraying his masculinity. And again, I’m not justifying his actions because he’s a grown man too. But he’s lost, and the only thing he knows to uphold this sense of masculinity is by being sexually liberated. Even if he conflates his own emotions with his endeavours.”

“I … I don’t even know what to say Namjoon.” You murmur, eyes looking up through your lashes.

“You don’t need to say anything. I just want you to be honest to yourself, not anyone else. But yourself.” He tells you, carding a gentle hand over your head.

You fiddle with your thumbs.

“What do you want?”

Despite you confiding two different people, you find yourself at a convenience store at 12AM, scarfing down ramen from a cup noodle because your mind was a funny place when it was muddled with a hundred different thoughts. You knew sleep wasn’t an option for you either, and you were hungry. But somehow you didn’t have anything back in your apartment that screamed ‘I’m in a crisis’ enough for you to eat.

Which is why you’re here, while the cashier keeps his eyeball to himself when he sees yet another college student who’s probably having their third mental breakdown of the day.

It is, but not for the right reasons, you think dryly.

You think you’re alone until the chime of the bell momentarily distracts you and you turn your head to acknowledge the next lone customer who may be going through their own set of issues, or had a fucked up sleeping schedule.

But you’re not expecting to make eye contact with Jennie, out of everyone or any stranger you could’ve come across.

She spots you, shoots you a weird look that has you nearly choking on a string of noodles before she moves on to what she came here to do and stops at the snack section, skimming through her options before she settles on a pack of shrimp chips. Your heart churns because they were Jungkook’s favourite. You don’t want to wonder why she picked them.

You turn to your noodles, scarf them down some more because you want to eat your thoughts away even if you’re half-considering to call Jungkook, tell him you wanted to talk. But you knew that if you spoke to him now when you were still sorting out your thoughts, you’d end up in a situation you won’t be ready to deal with.

So when you poke at your food and sigh to yourself, you almost miss the way the stool beside you scrapes against the floor as you cringe.

You turn to shoot a petty glare at the person, and you see Jennie; casually tearing open her chips and popping one into her mouth

You blink at her, and you’re left even more speechless when she juts her hand out as if to offer you a shrimp cracker. Like it was a weird symbol of a truce. Even if you weren’t really … enemies.

“Want some?”

You stare at her, and before you can think twice your lips are moving.

“The crackers or your company?” You say dryly.

Her eyes widen, and so does yours. You didn’t expect to say your exact thoughts and you don’t think she expected a quiet, timid girl like you to have said that—out loud at least. Like Yena said, everyone has a mean bone in them. Some longer and larger than others, but they were still there.

“Wow.” She huffs, but she doesn’t seem offended. “Rude, much?”

You wince and feel compelled to apologise. “Sorry.”

She waves you off and you feel odd to be sitting next to her. You always expected her to be more malicious, a lot more of a bitch. And you frown to yourself because you suppose it’s your own preconceived notions of her due to the association she has with Jungkook that had you thinking of her that way.

“What’s someone like you doing here on a weekday?” She asks off-handedly.

The term ‘someone like you’ doesn’t sit well with you, and you scowl.

“I’m eating. What does it look like?” You retort, and Jennie only raises an eyebrow at your response. Much like an angry kitten.

“Damn, I was just asking.” She mutters under her breath, “I’m hungry. Needed a snack.” She shakes the crackers in front of you, “You sure you don’t want one?”

You can’t believe her as you gape at her easy-going state when she thrusts the bag of crackers into your face yet again.

“No.” You furrow your brows, gently pushing it away as she shrugs her shoulders.

“It’s good.” She reasons, and you don’t know why she’s so adamant about having you take one.

The irrational part of you thinks she wants to poison you, to eliminate you for good so she won’t have to deal with your pathetic pining over a person that wasn’t even yours.

“I know.” You mutter. “I tried it before.”

Jennie nods her head slowly, observing the content of the packet on the back before she turns to face you, “Jungkook introduced this to me. Didn’t see the appeal but it’s addictive.”

You freeze, and your ramen soup is getting cold with the way you haven’t prodded at it for a while and in the air-conditioning in the convenience store. You feel your stomach drop, especially now that your initial suspicions were confirmed.

“That’s nice.” You grit. It really isn’t.

“Did he introduce it to you?” She asks with a tilt of her head.

Why you’re still talking to her, or why she was bothering to talk to you when she’s ignored you all this while—you aren’t sure. But you still answer her despite the spite that forms in your chest.

“I introduced it to him.” You inform.

She hums, unbothered. It only irritates you more.

“Is there a reason?” You huff. “Why you’re here?”

She raises an eyebrow, “I’m hungry?”

You scoff. “No.” You slam the table ever so slightly because even if you were annoyed and confused, you weren’t that brave and you didn’t want to cause a scene at a convenience store at midnight. “Why are you here. Talking to me.”

Jennie blinks at you, then stares at you for seconds too long that you flush under her unwavering stare before she ends up in a fit of giggles. You almost think she’s here to mock you, to call you out on your pathetic and humiliating pining for someone who doesn’t care about you the same way you do to him. But she pats you on the shoulder, and you want to think it’s condescending but it doesn’t seem that way at all.

“You’re an acquaintance. You looked like you needed the company.”

You frown, “I don’t.”

She rolls her eyes, munching on another chip.

“You do. Your posture looks depressing.”

“Excuse me?” You scowl.

“It’s true.” She shrugs. “You don’t seem the type to be here wallowing unless it’s really bad. You seem like you have your shit together.”

And because your mind is already muddled and confused, and filled with irrational thoughts. Her words set you off, and you seem to be underrating or overreacting more than usual. So you snap, you shove your cup aside that the soup nearly sloshes out and send her a glare so blazing that Jennie’s caught off guard.

“And you think you know me well enough to gauge whether or not I’m ‘like this’ or the type to have a perfect mental breakdown regimen because I’m smart?” You seethe. Jennie’s eyes widen. “I have mental breakdowns like every other student and I binge eat when I’m stressed and I fuck up from time to time. I curse, yes! I see your face. Oh does she not curse? Well, look at me, bitch. I can curse like a motherfucking sailor at sea when the fishes come because I’m human. I’m just like you. So fuck off with your ‘you seem like you have your shit together’ because I don’t and I’m so fucking annoyed with your stupid face whenever I see it because it only reminds me of Jungkook!”

The silence is defining, even the cashier stops counting his bills for the night because you don’t hear the rubbing of money together. You feel his stare on your back, and more pressingly, you feel Jennie’s shocked expression linger on your face, and now that you’ve come down from your rage. Your face heats up in embarrassment.

You don’t even recall what you said, except for the fact you’ve mentioned her and Jungkook in the same sentence. And your face pales.

“I …” She chokes.

You flush, before you’re turning away, snatching your belongings to leave and forget this convenience store and never return because you don’t think you can show your face here ever again.

But before you’re able to make a run for it, a hand grabs your elbow that stops you from moving any further.

“This is already as embarrassing—” You exasperate, trying to snatch your arm away.

“For a girl so smart, you’re really dumb, aren’t you?” She deadpans.

You gape, finding enough strength to retrieve your arm as you stare at her with a dumbfounded expression.

“Excuse me—?”

“Firstly, let’s unpack what you just said because there are a lot of things that need to be dissected here.” She says blankly.

You scowl, “Look I don’t—”

“One.” She blinks as if she was doing a presentation for a course and not talking to an alleged acquaintance. “I don’t think you should act a certain way just because you’re smart. You’re entitled to your own mechanisms and I’m not judging you for them. I was simply pointing out my own observations, and I’m sorry for being insensitive.”

You’re stunned to silence, because did Jennie just … apologise to you?

“Two.” She says. You listen silently. “I think you have things you need to talk to Jungkook about, and frankly—I would’ve stayed away if I knew that the two of you were a thing.”

“We’re not a thing!” You cry, face flushed.

She shoots you an unimpressed look, “Really. So that oddly targeted blow-up was because of your mental breakdown and not because you don’t have feelings for Jungkook?”

She’s the third person to call you out the same day, or within the first one in the next. And it’s even more embarrassing because it’s the girl you’ve compared yourself to countless times because of your own insecurities.

“Yes.” You snap childishly.

Jennie sighs, gesturing for you to sit on the stool. You want to defy her out of spite, but you’ve already gotten this far into the conversation and you feel like you’d miss out on something if you left now.

“Why are you mad at me?” She asks.

“I-I’m not mad—” You weakly protest.

“You are. There’s anger in you and if it’s not directed to Jungkook then it’s directed to me. Is it because I’m a woman?”

Your eyes widen, “What—?”

“Let me reword that,” She sighs. “Is it because I’m the woman with Jungkook?”

You flinch at her declaration, especially since she indirectly confessed to being with him, while you weren’t.

“I don’t …” You trail off in a whisper.

“I don’t blame you for being angry.” She says. “But I need you to understand that I would never have done anything with him if I knew that the two of you were together.”

“We’re not.” You blink, and her unimpressed look is still there that makes you speak a little louder. “We’re not together.”

She opens her mouth to say something, then shuts it. You see her furrow her eyebrows before she settles for a response that comes a few moments after.

“Okay, then if you’re not together then why the resentment?” She puts it so simply and now that you’re listening to her, you feel a lot stupider.

“I just …” You croak, fiddling with your fingers, “I don’t …”

She sighs, “Listen. We’re both women here. I know how it feels to be left in the dark when it comes to things like this but there’s no point in being angry at me when in reality it’s Jungkook you need to talk to. If you aren’t together then I don’t understand why you’re angry with me—or with him.”

You sit there in silence, nearly pouting like a scolded child.

“You’re his type.” You say softly.

Jennie pauses before she raises an eyebrow.

“And you believe that?”

You furrow your eyebrows, “I mean, of course?” You mumble, “You’re pretty, confident and sexy. Any guy would like you.”

For a moment, you think you’ve said too much. Looked to vulnerable. But Jennie doesn’t do the typical mean girl thing where she laughs in your face and threatens to expose you. Instead, her eyes soften, and her hand reaches out to hold yours.

“____.” She calls your name gently, and you look away, embarrassed. “You’re pretty. You’re confident. You are sexy.”

You flush, “No. I’m not.”

She scoffs, “_____, there isn’t a set definition of what a pretty woman is like. Nor is there a one-dimensional understanding of a confident woman. There are confident women who strut in their walk and commands all the attention in the room. But there are also quiet, assured women who are intelligent and confident in their capabilities. Both of them are so different, but the one thing that they have in common?” She prompts as your eyebrows furrow. “They’re both women who are worthy of love.”

You blink up at her when her tone goes softer.

“I don’t think I’m Jungkook’s type.” She tells you.

But for some reason you need to deny it, again.

“I think you are.” You mumble, “You’re … you. And you’re probably … experienced.” You cringe at what you say, and you’re mortified if you need to explain yourself to her. But Jennie immediately picks up on it, and you don’t notice how she tenses for a split second but recovers immediately.

“We’ve done things together, yes.” You feel your heart shatter, “But you don’t have to do anything with him for him to like you.”

You sigh, “Maybe. But that's the only way he’s ever wanted me.” You say so softly that Jennie almost doesn’t catch it.

Jennie’s face softens much more, turning into a much gentler expression as she nudges your chin to look at her. And when you do, you feel wounded. You feel so much less assured than you were when you were raging at her. You hated it, how she treated you so kindly when she should’ve been cursing at you like you did to her.

“Do you want to know something?” She asks.

You nibble on your lips before you nod your head.

“If someone doesn’t want you. It’s not because you’re lacking. It’s because they’re lacking the sense to perceive you in a way that recognises your inherent worth to be loved.”

Your breath hitches and Jennie continues.

“I’ve had instances where men didn’t want to sleep with me because I was too confident, too sexually liberated for them. As if who I slept with mattered because it wasn’t them. It was never going to be them.”

“I didn’t sleep with Jungkook.” You tell her, voice soft as if you needed to clarify.

“And you don’t need to. You don’t need to sleep with anyone for them to want you. If Jungkook only wants you for your body then he doesn’t deserve you.” She points out.

You feel your heart clench, and the realisation coming from Jennie only hurts even more.

“But he’s important to me …” You whisper.

“What’s important is not always what’s good for you.” She informs you with a gentle smile. “Your sexuality is yours. And if you want to sleep or be sexual with someone, you do it because you want to. Not because someone coerced you into doing it.”

Your eyes widened, “N-No. Jungkook didn’t force me. I consented. To all of it.” You murmur, “I wanted to do it. B-But I just felt so … lacking? In comparison and … since then all he’s came to me for was just … that.”

Jennie nibbles on her bottom lip, “Jungkook’s not a bad person.” She says softly. And she’s the second person that tells you that. So you know it’s a true reflection of his character.

“I know.”

She smiles, “We both do.” She nods, “But he’s misguided. He’s never had the ability to be with someone he really cares for and I think when that happened—he dealt with it the only way he knows how to.”

You furrow your brows, “But he’s with you.”

She shakes her head with a small chuckle, “No. Not emotionally, at least.” She informs. “And he doesn’t care about me. I know. He’s always kept me at arms-length away, and I’m fine with that because I don’t like him like that either.”

You blink, and your ears turn red. “H-How do you—?”

“How do I separate lust from affection?” She laughs. “It’s because I can. Not everyone can do that, and Jungkook is one of them.”

“But you just said that he didn’t care about you.”

“I’m not talking about me,” She smiles sadly.

Your eyebrows scrunch in confusion until you realise what she was implying. And you don’t want to assume anything, never. Because hope was the one feeling that was worse than fear and you didn’t want to subject yourself to that just yet.

“Oh.” You mumble.

She nods, squeezing your hand.

“I think he misses you.”

You purse your lips.

You missed him, too.

[mae-gi-writes]

Sooner | Sunwoo (The Boyz)

Requested by anon! You break up with your boyfriend at the annual dinner staff celebration. But thankfully, Sunwoo swoops in to save the day. 

Genre: fluff, a little angst if you squint. CEO! Sunwoo au, Noona au. 

A/N: I’m sorry for taking so long with requests but I literally have NO time to write *cries*. But I’ll try my best to go through them asap. Thank you for your patience and for understanding, and thank you most of all, for reading my works <3 <3

-------------

"Now is your time," Jacob urges, "do something."

He doesn't have to call Sunwoo for attention, for the said man's eyes are already riveted towards the couple in question swaying on the dance floor. Or had been swaying anyway. Because right now, they're squarely facing each other and even with the loud music booming through the speakers, small snippets of angry conversation seems to reach the pair.

"I can't do that," Sunwoo mumbles while ducking his head away, "you know I can't do that. People will talk--"

"People will always talk Sunwoo," Jacob cuts him off with a stern look, "you're not doing that as Mr. Kim, CEO of Kim Finances. You're doing it as Kim Sunwoo, just a guy smitten with his junior associate."

The younger man decides to keep quiet, though Jacob can practically see the cogs turning in his head.

"I can't keep doing this Jaehwan," your voice suddenly pierces through the music, "how am I supposed to trust the fact that you're hanging out with your ex--you go out to drink with her! I--"

"She knows my friends Y/N, she's already in the group. I don't know why you're making such a fuss about this!"

Beside him, Jacob scoffs, "what a dick."

"Because you did it once!" You yell out, fists clenched and chest heaving, "you did it once Jaehwan. How--How am I supposed to trust you--"

Jaehwan murmurs something before his hands reach out as a gesture to calm you. But it's too late. You push at his chest while crying out, "Oh stop acting like you're the good guy. You know damn well what you did!"

People around you have stopped with curious gazes, something that's bound to result in office gossip the next day and though Sunwoo isn't one to act like a hero, he decides that he'd better swoop in before things get out of hand.

As the CEO, it's his duty. He tells himself. Yeah, that's right.

So that is how he finds himself striding up to the pair of you to position himself in a way that he can shield you from Jaehwan.

"Hey guys," his eyes flit back and forth between the pair, "we should probably take this outside--"

"You're one to talk Y/N," Jaehwan scoffs, "you accuse me of talking to my exes when you gallivant in the office, getting all friendly with the superiors--"

"They're just friends! And--"

"Think I didn't know you little game?! What about you flirting with him, all the time?!" Jaehwan jabs a thumb in Sunwoo's direction, causing him to blink in surprise before rage clouds over.

"Excuse me?" He finds his voice, fist suddenly clenching at his side while narrowing his eyes at the said man.

The latter scoffs, hands plopping atop his hips as he shakes his head, "wow, look at that. Y/N, what'd you do for him to take your side? Bet you had a nice suck--"

That does it. Sunwoo's fist flies forward, hits Jaehwan straight in the jaw.

The whole room gasps. Silence ensues.

It takes a few seconds for Jaehwan to straighten back up, his nostrils flared and his mouth twisted in a scowl that he throws at Sunwoo, "you little fucker--"

Everything happened so fast. One moment Jaehwan is lurching at the CEO's body and Sunwoo throws himself before Y/N, and the next, two colleagues are dragging Jaehwan away, all the while screaming obscenities for everyone to hear and see.

Noticing the way your face is crumpled as though you're about to cry, the CEO makes a grab for your shoulders, spins you around, and walks you out of the room, out of the gaping eyes drilling holes into the back of your heads.

It is only when the burst of fresh air hits your face that you inhale shakily, hands finding purchase onto the terrace railing.

"You okay?" Sunwoo murmurs softly.

While his fingers itch to touch you, hold you close, he decides that it's not wise. Not now.

"Noona?" He prompts.

"Huh?" Your eyes flutter up to his, causing his heart to squeeze at the sight of the tears brimming at the corners, "sorry, I--" taking a shaky inhale, you stumble through your words, "I'm sorry he lashed out at you--"

"Noona," Sunwoo rests his hand atop your arm, "it's fine. Breathe."

A long silence ensues where you try to even out your breathing. He watches though his chest hurts at the sight of your struggle, helpless in such a situation.

When you manage to recollect yourself long enough, you manage a wobbly smile. Sunwoo's heart clenches at the pain lingering in your brown orbs.

Fucking bastard, he swears if he ever sees his face he'll break his two legs.

"He's not wrong you know," you say, keeping your gaze averted, away from him, as if embarrassed by the mere notion of it.

Moving closerr to you, his hand settles on the small of your back, "what do you mean?"

"He--He knows we're close, too close for his liking. it didn't help that I told him how popular you were with the girls."

He scoffs, "not a reason."

"I might have also told him..." you spare him a glance and bite down on your bottom lip, "...that I liked you before. That's what started this whole thing. He thinks I cheated on him, with you. So he thinks it's okay to see his ex, except that--" swallowing hard, you continue in a whisper, "except that I never cheated. I'd never do that Sunwoo and--"

Tears are free falling down your cheeks now and without hesitation Sunwoo's arms lace themselves around your middle just in time for you to lean into his cheat to sob. He holds you, holds you as your ahoulders shake and your body quivers and all the sadness comes pouring out of you like a free-flowing river finally able to run its course.

He holds you, while trying not to let his brain jump to the conclusion that there might be a bigger strand of hope for him to catch your heart and make it his.

She liked me, his brain roars like a blaring siren.

Maybe she still does.

When your sobs finally calm down into soft sniffles, he manages to pull you back enough before cupping your chin and tilting it up so that you have no choice but look at him.

The emotion he finds swimming across your face causes another stab to resonate through his ribcage. He hates seeing you so frail, so weak.

"Even if we are close," he murmurs, "that doesn't justify him cheating. Nothing ever does."

"But it's my fault," you blubber against his chest, "I should've just kept my distance--"

"You'd ignore me for him?"

You hesitate slightly, "that's not what I--"

"No. Noona, you can't just end friendships with people just because he said so. If he loves you as he claims he does, he wouldn't be so jealous and insecure," He interrupts in barely-restrained anger, "being in love doesn't mean throwing away everything else. It doesn't work that way and he's a dick for even implying that on you."

He can keep going, but spotting your bottom lip wobbling is enough to allow the words to die at the back of his throat. Instead he just holds you a little closer, an embrace that you gladly accept, tucks your head under his jaw before rocking you back and forth like you're a child that needs comforting.

He isn't really aware of the hours that slip by, only realizes that it's late when he notices the lights aren't on anymore inside the room, that there aren't any voices in the vicinity to suggest that there's still a presence of a party. Glad that there aren't any curious eyes, he doesn't waste time guiding you to his car so that he can drive you home, scooping you into his arms -- you'd fallen asleep on the way and he knows his way to your flat -- and clumsily letting himself in your safe haven.

Gently laying you down onto a nearby sofa, your sleeping form snuggles closer to the pillows on instinct as a soft sigh leaves your lips. Sunwoo gathers a blanket from the side before he tucks you in, careful not to jostle you awake. But there's nothing to worry about. You are happily swept up in a reverie of dreams.

"Cute," Sunwoo can't help but mutter under his breath while crouching down to gaze fondly at your smoothed out features, a drastically different picture from the crying mess you'd been a few hours before.

He reaches out, hand brushing away a few stray strands of hair from your face, "why didn't you tell me sooner?"

A soft sigh escapes him, "I liked you too, noona. I've always liked you, idiot."

And then, not being able to restrain himself, the young man leans over to drop a chaste kiss atop your forehead.

"Sleep tight, princess," he murmurs.

-------

Knock knock knock.

Sunwoo looks up from the pile of papers scattered across his desk, face worn out with tiredness and practically running on caffeine. Speaking off, he should probably get another cup.

"Yes?" He calls, though he inwardly cringes at the way his alto croaks without energy.

But the moment the door swings open to reveal your face, the young CEO relaxes. He leans back in his seat before closing his eyes, "it's only you."

"Were you expecting someone else?" You ask while closing his door. You approach his desk gingerly, with a fearful gait in your step that though you hope he doesn't notice, he does so anyway.

He shakes his head in response, before he motions her to take a seat. You don't though, rocking back and forth on your heels with your hands knotting themselves, a sign of nervousness.

"Noona?" He peers at you when you don't say anything, concern flaahing through his features, "what's wrong?"

Taking a deep, shaky breath, you squirm slightly before you manage to gather up all your courage to blurt out:

"I heard you, that night."

Silence. Sunwoo stares at you, confusion blossoming into realization when his brain puts two and two together.

He jolts up from his chair, "you heard--you mean, what--what did you hear?"

"Well," you shuffle from one foot to another while averting your gaze, "uhm--I heard you speak, that time when you carried me to my flat--"

"And you kept that to yourself all this time?!"

"What was I supposed to do?! I was confused!"

In truth, only two weeks had passed since the famous incident. Though, you were glad that Sunwoo had been too busy to actually realize you had been silently avoiding him. It had given you time to gather your thoughts and actually think over what you really wanted to say.

After all, Sunwoo is the CEO of Kim Finances. You are just a mere nobody. He doesn't really need you.

"You--You--" he struggles to gather his thoughts as he gazes at you, a mere puppy being kicked by its owner with his cheeks filling with the softest peony.

You approach his desk, noting the way his eyes widen at your blunt confidence while you round the table to stand before him.

"I like you," you look up at him boldly even when your cheeks are flaming with colour and your palms are coated with a sheen of swear, heart beating as if you’ve just run a mile without any breaks, "I've always liked you. Except, people talk and you’re like three years younger than me, which doesn’t help things and the fact that I just recently broke up with Jaehwan because of you just seems wrong--”

One second you’re trying to justify yourself, and the next Sunwoo is cupping your cheeks and pulling you in as his mouth finds yours in a hard, passionate kiss.

A small sigh escapes your throat, which he takes as a green light. His hands grip your waist before he pins your soft curves to his hard frame, the action leaving you breathless and your head dizzy as he slowly moves his lips over yours.

He kisses, nibbles, sucks softly while your hands pave a way up his chest to grip tight on his work shirt and when your butt hits the edge of his table, the young CEO doesn’t hesitate to grab your thighs before propelling you up on his desk. Covering your protests with his lips, body slipping right in-between your thighs while his tongue delves in to caress yours, a low growl echoes from deep within his chest when you kiss back with just as much ardour.

You’ve never really thought of kissing Sunwoo up until recently. But all these fantasies had always felt wrong somehow, maybe because you know he’s younger which automatically made him younger brother material. Or so you thought. And it’s not like his attitude had helped in the past. While he was the CEO of a big multinational company, Sunwoo was still a big kid at heart who just loved pestering you and bullying you with his affection.

But this, him kissing you and ravaging your lips as if that’s the last time you shall ever see each other again, that is definitely not the Sunwoo you’ve grown to know.

This is a different Sunwoo. This Sunwoo feels like a man. His grip is firm, his mouth hot and hard and just the pure bliss of a drug you can’t get enough of.

You’re not really sure when your arms manage to lace their way around his neck, but it’s only when you part for air that you realize how close you are, how his chest is practically pressed against yours it can be considered scandalous. He takes this chance to pepper soft kisses over your jaw and when you turn your head to allow him to explore, doesn’t hesitate to slowly nuzzle his way along your neck, nibbling here and there and causing your body to squirm, a soft whimper falling from your lips which he only answers with a deep, satisfied rumble from his chest.

Head tilting back up so that his nose brushes yours, he murmurs, “I don’t care what people think,” his alto is rough, so deep that it hits you with a wave of desire. You can’t help but notice his fingers which have somehow found a way to ghost up your thighs as he speaks.

Swallowing hard, you try to find your voice to answer him, “I--I don’t want this relationship to hurt your reputation--”

Another round of butterflies flutter up your chest when he drops a peck on your lips to shush you, “you think too much,” he mumbles against your mouth, pressing another chaste kiss, “about things that don’t matter.”

“Sunwoo, I--”

“Noona,” he gives you a hard look, dark eyes filled with an intensity, a depth that makes you wonder briefly whether he’s hiding a galaxy of feelings by the amount of tenderness echoing through his pools of dark obsidian.

“You can’t keep living for others,” he tucks some of your hair behind your ear, “and I’m not asking for much. All I ask is for you to give me a chance.”

He has a point. You’re always so self-conscious of what others might think that sometimes, you feel like it’s the reason why you’re so unhappy.

So as your eyes find his to answer his question, you dip your head down into a nod.

“okay,” you murmur. The man lets out a relieved sigh, before bringing you into another hug, one that fills your heart with a flurry of feelings you can’t quite place. Though you know they’re definitely tending towards the good side.

“You won’t regret it,” he whispers into your shoulder, pecking the side of your ear.

You shiver, arms wrapping a little tighter, “I know I won’t.”

[obeymehasinfluncedmythoughts]

Brothers with Mc Who Has PGAD (Pt 1 of ?)

This is going to be different then my other headcanons. I tried doing them like usual, but it didn't sit well with me. This is only like the first two chapters?? Idk how to explain it. It's hard to show the issues with PGAD in a relationship without just rehashing my chronic pain ask. I might be a bit rusty because I'm playing off and on right now, so please forgive if anyone is OOC.

Also, I want to state that this is NOT a representation of everyone who has PGAD. I couldn't possibly fit all the symptoms, feelings, and causes in here without contradicting myself. There are many causes in the female sex though (Deposits built on the clitoris, slipped disc, hormonal imbalances, pregnancy, misfiring signals from the brain/nerve, ext). I have a fucked up nerve somewhere along the line. I'm a rare case of a rare disorder where I was born with it and haven't experienced a day without PGAD. These are only how I expect someone with my exact symptoms would react, and how the brothers would react to that. Also! If you have PGAD, and don't know ways to help out, I'll give you some tips. Just hmu baby 💞.

Warning! Sensitive Content!

Coming to the Devildom is just as you'd expect it to be, it's literal hell.

You're stressed, like, majorly so. You don't have your medications on you, you've been seperated from your phone, and these demons are telling you you'll have to stay in their realm for a year, doctor's visits be damned.

The emotional connection between your pain and your reactions is rising by the second. It's clear on your face, and most probably by the way you dig your nails into the palms of your hands, attempting to draw your attention away from the growing burning sensation.

You don't feel comfortable being set up in a strange house with seven strange demons. They're rowdy and rude and it just sets you on edge to the point that you're very near jumping everytime one of them speaks to you.

They don't speak to you often, thankfully. If you refuse to engage with them, they're fine with keeping their distance. Sometimes you'll hear something from Mammon, your appointed guide, and the blonde seems to enjoy commenting on what books you're reading, but that's about it.

But then you're expected to go to school, five days a week, whilst fulfilling a stupid task list everyday, and all that pressure really weighs on you before it's even begun.

You can't sit down for eight hours, let alone sit on a hard surface in such a toxic that is highschool without being put out of commission for a few days. This will really mess with their whole plan, and you doubt you'll get cut any slack if you don't actually let at least one of the council members in on your condition.

It shouldn't have to be that way. You shouldn't have to justify your state of wellbeing to people you've barely known for two days, but the only way out of here is by playing the game, so you target the eldest brother.

You explain to Lucifer your condition. It's very professional, straight-forward, and he doesn't ask many questions besides the obvious.

The two of you eventually come to a pretty decent arrangement. On the days when you're in too much pain to handle things, you can stay home, and do whatever you can to catch up. It's not exactly the best option, considering you have different teachers online and in person, but it works for the most part.

He does require you to do some studying with the third eldest though. Leviathan, you learn, is a shut-in. Most his schooling is online, and since you're situation tends to make you miss many days of school, Lucifer wants him to help you out.

The two of you don't exactly get along at first. Leviathan is the type to work alone, and he's not the best at explaining. So during the first two days, you kinda flounder from paper to paper, task to task. It's just more stress on your plate. You snap at him when he gets impatient with you, and he'll return the gesture with some mumbled insults.

Eventually the two of you get to a state where you can at least work together without arguing over something small, but he's still a little annoying to you.

Satan kinda steps up here too. He knows Levi isn't really the best at explaining things that aren't dipped in a convoluted storyline, so he tries to help out when he sees you in the library, often searching for information for your assignments.

And Satan is incredibly patient. Even without knowing of your condition, and that's kinda the support you need. Learning with PGAD is hard, because any sort of frustration just puts you in pain. He doesn't get offended if you snap, or if you're a bit stubborn because of this. Something about him recognizes that desperation in your eyes; the want to do things, but he just knows there's something holding you back. He's not sure what, and he doesn't ask out of respect for whatever you must be dealing with (Which is such a breath of fresh air).

Mammon, on the other hand, isn't as graceful in his approach. He doesn't really pick up on your vibes and that proves to be a bit unfortunate when you're having a hard time translating your feelings.

He takes most things you say a little too personal, despite also having a tendency to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

You two get on each other's nerves pretty equally. The stress that results makes being in his presence a bit difficult.

But no one makes your life worse then Asmodeus.

Sure, he's sweet. He probably picks up on the fact that you take baths as often as he does and gives you some fancy soaps/stuffs, but he's a little too touchy.

And a bit too sexual.

You try to distance yourself from him, and it has mixed results depending on how persistent Asmodeus is feeling that day.

The only one who you don't interact with much is Beel, and that's kind of a blessing in disguise. You're hardly a few days into your residency in the Devildom and you're already struggling to keep up with school and the brothers (as well as the voice coming from the attic...but you try to push that and Lucifer's threats to the back of your mind.)

Things only get worse when you make your pact with Mammon. In fact, the only good thing that really comes out of it is that you are able to help out Leviathan. Everything else feels like a shitstorm.

There was the expected teasing. The "Mammon was dumb enough to get played by a human" bit that really got old after the first time and a few offers to make some more pacts from lesser demons at school (which you always turned down). All the attention made your day stressful as fuck. You could hardly think without feeling strongly in some sort of way, and having a stabbing pain zeroing in on your pelvis.

And to your suprise, he can totally feel it.

(Personally I like to believe pacts go a bit deeper then the 'oh I can make you do things'. I feel it should be considered more, given how much power is given to them, and how often it's stated that the guys don't just give them out. If they were just about control, I have no doubt Mammon would have probably used it in a moment of desperation. In fact, it's kinda out of character that he hasn't at least made the mistake ONCE, so I headcanons there is a emotional/physical bond that comes with it.)

It's not completely there. He doesn't get all the pain and strife you do, but there's enough for him to kinda put the pieces together. He's not delicate in approaching you about it, however he thankfully does pull you aside after dinner, saving you the embarrassment of talking about genitals at the dinner table.

You explain to him what exactly PGAD is. That your body is feeling a sexual desire, but you mind isn't. So, instead of being pleasurable, it's painful.

He's not exactly sure what you're saying, but he becomes a lot more protective over you from now on.

[spinchip]

Recognition

Words: 1900 Warnings: ask to tag? s11 consequences lol Summary: Zane recognizes the Skull sorcerer the first time he lays eyes on him in Shintaros palace throne room.

Beneath the marble walls and vaulted ceilings of Shintaro's largest and most ornate structure, Zane feels completely at home and horribly out of place all at once. It’s an itching ice-burn across the back of his tongue that he must swallow down, one that threatens to choke him in blood-tinted memories while simultaneously offering a simplicity he craved- but complicated feelings aside, The halls of the palace are just as breathtaking as the shining city he’d first laid eyes on. Along the base of each mable panel there’s fancy gold trim and intricate blue carved patterns in long elegant and intertwining curves, obviously painstakingly etched. Along the far wall windows line the corridor to fill their trek with clean sunlight, not even a single dust mote caught in its rays. it’s cleaned with scrupulous care and maintained with the utmost discipline, the kingdom unwilling to allow it’s mythic perfection to be sullied under the fresh eyes of outsiders. Guards pass by in loose formation on some sort of patrol, their armor glittering in the light- they are too lax, their weapons held too loose to be any real threat, their eyes stray and wander too easily. Weakness.

Zane is in his element. Not literally, of course- though a layer of ice along the walls would have been an improvement in his opinion- but he knows the game of courts and kingdoms more confidently than he knows his shaky position on this team. The others claim there is no question to his place within their ranks, but he is no fool, and he understands intimately how his loyalty has been called into question when he tried to strike down their leader- His leader- Lloyd. He clenches his hands, blunt nails digging into the soft of his gloves with enough force to tear if he were careless. He has been the ice emperor for decades longer than he’s been Zane, there are still remnants. Detachments he cannot bridge yet, not with the screams still imprinted into his code. Not while he still misses his scepter.

They are led into a room bigger than the rest, a cavernous space swallowed up by its own pretentious need to be the best, and in the middle of the room is a raised dais, gold and marble white and blue, with a throne reaching up into the sky only curbed by the ceiling boxing it in. There are more windows and guards with wings, flying in and out as they work. It is not quite as grand as his own throne had been, too small and non-threatening and pure. The man atop it doesn’t straighten up as they walk in because he is already sitting as proud as he can, shoulders squared and jaw clenched, but he does smile broadly and welcome them to his kingdom with a leap to his feet.

His friends move to bow at the lead of their master and he is only half a second behind, beating back the way his lip threatens to curl at the action- only months before, an entire realm was bowing to him. They stand tall once again and King Vangelis looks to each of them with a warm, kind smile-

And cold eyes.

The Ice Emperor shifts beneath his skin, he is like us.

Lloyd preens beneath the eyes of the king, the others following suit with quiet confidence. Dark eyes stutter when they catch glowing blue. For a long moment, Vangelis won’t break eye contact with Zane, holding it until he is forced to move on to the others to be polite- and he must be polite, or they will see through his act. He must be the picture of a perfect king so they will look no deeper, but what is hiding past that mask of a kind smile? He recognizes it, almost feels kinship with the malice sitting in his chest. A black hearted ruler, dark intentions and violence sewn into his hands. He knows.

And Vangelis knows that he knows.

Even as he introduces his daughter, his eyes flicker to Zane, searching. He sees us too, the Ice Emperor spreads across his body in numbing cold, He knows what we are, and he is looking for an ally in us.

or an enemy.

This is dangerous. The king's interest is now a knife blade Zane must balance on, and he must not slip or the king will assume him a threat and do what he must. False crimes are all too easy to fabricate, evils invented to condemn a man (an entire people even- formlings falling under his hands-) childs play to a puppeteer who has decided on the beginning of his dark path that the end will justify any means. Of course, the Ice Emperor will not fall to a coward like Vangelis who hides behind clean robes and pristine hands, but to stand against the kingdom of Shintaro when it believes their king to be just- to kill with no concrete proof? His friends will believe he has frozen again, no matter what he will say.

A part of him cringes and cries to think so carelessly of raising his hand, but he has lived long enough now to know that the best way to defeat an enemy may be to make them your friend- but the second best way is with a knife. Protect those who cannot protect themselves, even if it ends in blood.

Vex would tell him to strike now, before the king could gather his bearings and think- box him in, rush him, corner him and make him scared and panicked. Make him afraid. Make him make a mistake, stop the threat before it becomes too powerful and then break it so badly no one will try again- but this is too delicate a game to rush, and too brutal a strategy to deal. He is no longer a great and feared ruler- the Ice Emperor shifts in unrest- He must play his hand carefully. He cannot strike down a villain who has firmly set himself as a friend. How would he justify it? How could he explain that he knew, without deepening the fissure between himself  and his friends?

Vex is not here, but we were not helpless without him. We can think. Have we forgotten that our scepter also had a blade? Cold blankets his chest and it burns, Wait, be patient and play innocent, the moment to bleed will come.

He considers telling the others anyway, of handing them the truth with soft edges, a more palatable version of the truth. Tell them something about visions or senses, something nebulous and hard to pin down that they must trust anyway, because they still trust him. Because he does not lie.

...No. He cannot break that trust.

We are still soft.

Wait and be patient.

____________________________

Hanging in the jaws of a Vengestone cage, stuck high above the molten floor and burning heat in a hopeless situation, the Skull sorcerer taunts and heckles them. It’s cheap and weak, fear founded on threats and big reveals, undermined almost immediately by his friends' easy taunts and jokes. He is too inexperienced to be truly frightening, he is too wet behind the ears to make them scared. Without fear he has already lost. he has no control.

“Enjoy your final moments of levity!”

“They will be your last!” The skull grinds out, the voice of a man long since dead catching and scraping through the veil to reach them.

Lloyd plays the ace up their sleeve in Cole and Vangelis only to have it thrown back in his face as the Skull Sorcerer reveals himself, squashing half their hope of a rescue in one blow. He takes off his mask and Zane can barely pretend to be surprised.

We know you, there is barely a rush of cold with the vengestone around them but Zane can feel his presence all the same, With or without a mask, we see each other.

He knew the moment he laid eyes on the sorcerer for the first time, back in those white marble walls and vaulted ceilings, when the man wore a different mask. He knew the moment they first locked eyes and he saw himself in his reflection. His ledger was stained red with his sins, the blood of the Krags and the formlings and the innocents who he did not freeze will not wash from his hands. the Geckles and the Munce sully Vangelis.

And misery loves company.

He explains his plot to break the Geckles and Munce with a civil war, grinning behind his mask, “Now you know. May the knowledge bring you some peace in your final moments.” He hisses, turning to go and then- no, he doesn’t leave, does he? Hovering with his back turned for several heartbeats. The skull makes a displeased noise, agitated at his sudden inaction, green smoke curling and thick in the air.

Vangelis faces them slowly, and despite how his eyes are cast into black darkness, he knows his gaze is trained on him.

“Listen well,” He says sternly, “This is an offer I will only give you once.”

He moves closer with the barest beat of his wings, reaching out to grip the vengestone of the cage with a hand that shimmers with toxic magic and they all crowd away from the color warily. Behind the mask his eyes burn, “Join me.”

“What?” Kai sputters, shoulder bunching and eyes blown wide, “Us? Are you serious-”

“Not you!” Vangelis doesn’t allow him to finish, shooting him a dark glare before flickering his eyes back on Zane.

It would be in his favor to keep his eyes on us, The Ice Emperor comments darkly, a snake willing to strike.

He inclines his head ever so slightly in respect, “Emperor.”

Despite the vengestone, burning cold crawls rapidly up Zanes spine at the acknowledgement, ice crowding behind his eyes and making his circuits skip and jump. The tension in the cage grows tenfold, crushing in on his shoulders and trapping like a vice around his chest. Never had Zane thought he would be so bold to actually reach out to him when he had so firmly planted himself on the opposite side of this fight. The Ice Emperor jolts and rushes under his metal skin, his coolant like slush in his inner wiring as his chilling presence forces its way closer to the surface.

He does not attempt to get any closer, sitting just under Zanes eyes. His friends are silent and wide eyed, as if they want to say something but instead they are all holding their breath- what will Zane choose? It’s a test. They are frightened that they aren’t certain of the outcome.

“Yes, I know of your trip to the Never Realm, and what you did while you were there. You and I... we know each other, don’t we? You see me.” He cocks his head, the intense darkness where his eyes smoulder from eat at Zanes resolve, “Shintaro’s perfection is paid for by vengestone. I’ve done this to ensure my people will live out their days in bliss and joy. My magnificent city is built upon this labor- with you below and me above, we will secure Shintaro's place as the greatest city Ninjago has ever seen.”

We know our answer, the Ice emperor tells him silently.

Yes, and he could end it all. Yes, and he could slide the knife in the sorcerer's back where it belongs. Yes, and he could put him down the moment the vengestone vanished. Cole is still out there. This is not Zanes fight.

No.

“You have found no ally in me. I’d rather die.” He tells him honestly, grim refusal on his lips. His friends are still and silent and relieved.

His mask goes carefully blank as he pulls away, “Rest assured,” He says strongly, voice unwavering despite his disappointment, “You will.”

____________________________

In the aftermath, when the former king screams and writhes on the ground in an unhinged mess, he wails, “I just wanted what was best!” He cries, “I did it for the good of my people!”

You were wrong. He’s not like us. Zane thinks as they drag the man away to stand trial. 

How so?

He had good intentions.

The Ice Emperors laugh spreads frost through his mouth, it’s an itching ice-burn across the back of his tongue he must swallow down-

Or he’ll choke.

[rhetorical-ink]

Haikyuu!! Observations: Ushijima x Sakusa, Ft. Komori and Tendo

**SPOILERS FOR ANIME ONLY’S BELOW**

Okay, am I about to dive into a lengthy post about why UshiSaku may be endgame in Haikyuu!! and how Tendo may be the best wing man for it all? 

Uhm, yes. Yes, I am, so bear with me. 

I’ve been stewing on this for a while now, so there’s a lot to cover in this post.  Let’s dive in!

Ushijima and Sakusa’s Parallels

Okay, first things’s first -- let’s talk about Ushijima, Sakusa, and the parallels the Manga has made with them. Starting with their views of Shoyo Hinata.  Let’s begin with Ushijima. While the stereotypical characterization of Ushijima is to make him completely stoic and unfeeling, Ushijima DOES have emotional responses, especially in the manga -- for example, his reaction on the court to Hinata is MUCH stronger than I believe the anime shows:

This is developed further in the Shiratorizawa vs. Karasuno match -- as Ushijima struggles with the fact that Hinata is not a skilled player -- he just has natural athleticism and his actions are half “luck” and half the gutsy collaboration of his actions alongside the “reckless” and “wild” other players of Karasuno.

This idea of “luck,” interestingly enough, will come back with Ushijima nearly 200 chapters later...but we do establish here, that Ushijima is the type of person that admires and respects strength, and efforts that are backed by natural talent and disciplined training. It’s only natural that Hinata frustrates him, because at this point in the manga, Hinata and “disciplined training” aren’t exactly words that go together (more on that below).

Verrry similarly, Sakusa has no room for people who lack discipline, though his “discipline” relates more to personal health than just physical preparation for a game. This comes in direct focus in a flashback during the Black Jackal vs Adlers game, when it shows Sakusa first meeting Hinata. Unlike Ushijima, it doesn’t seem like he “hates” Hinata, just has absolutely no desire to be around someone that lets themselves get sick...and he only allows himself to be open to Hinata as a teammate after Hinata expresses that he has indeed grown up since High School. 

The manga also points to parallels of how they handle defeat, showing both Ushijima remaining proud and quiet after their loss to Karasuno, only quietly declaring to Hinata and Kageyama that he would “beat” them again --

While with Sakusa, he’s more vocal in his musings about losing, in Chapter 368 stating that it would hurt more to be pitied, especially when you did all you could do, and still suffered a defeat. Itachiyama losing their setter could be viewed as “bad luck” in the final set, but Sakusa points to luck not having so much bearing as just it being the result of fate and unstoppable forces in the moment. Ever the realist, Sakusa...(again, more on “luck” below). 

Sakusa objectively presents the fact that they lost in very simplistic, albeit nihilistic terms, and similarly, Ushijima doesn’t shy away from using objective information and putting things in simplistic terms without hyperbole. This can be seen through his conversation with Goshiki below. 

Ushijima and Sakusa’s “Type”

So, if we’re going to even possibly ship these characters together...does it work? It becomes clear, through the manga and anime, though that both Ushijima and Sakusa admire players who are powerful, can present a legitimate challenge to them, and therefore spurn them to become stronger players, too. 

Both Ushijima and Sakusa are portrayed as incredibly strong right out the gate in the manga, which makes sense as both are in the Top Three Aces for high school volleyball. However, unlike Kiryu (the #2 Ace that is depicted as more down-to-earth, friendly, compassionate, and relatable to our other protagonists), both Sakusa and Ushijima have “colossal protagonist” vibes -- seeming larger than life, incredibly stoic, and emotionally distant to others on their team, even if they are around them constantly. 

And then, concerning Sakusa...there’s the infamous Chapter 394. 

If anything has established what Sakusa’s “Type” would be, it would be these two panels. Ushijima is checking off all of the boxes for Sakusa: Understands personal hygiene? Check. Someone offering Sakusa a challenge as a competitor, and motivating him to keep moving forward and practicing? Check!

Chapter 394 answers many questions, and points us to the observation of: 

Sakusa’s “Pining”

Furudate, we see Sakusa lazer-focused on Ushijima from the other side of the court...you’re not fooling us:

Hey, remember where the mystery of Sakusa and Ushijima’s relationship began? Waaaaay back, after the Shiratorizawa match, after the Fukurodani/Nekoma matches; at the start of the National Japan training camp that Kageyama attended in Chapter 209. 

A camp, where it was noted by Karasuno, that Ushijima had been the chosen representative of their prefecture for at least the last year.

And who is the first person Kageyama runs into at this camp?

And the first thing Sakusa states isn’t a proper greeting, it’s not about how they beat Shiratorizawa...it’s how the team “somehow” beat WAKATOSHI-KUN. 

The next time we get interactions from Sakusa, he immediately jumps on the offensive, DEMANDING to know who the player was that led to Shiratorizawa’s downfall:

It’s interesting that Kageyama implies the “entire” team was responsible for Ushijima’s defeat on the page before this one below, but of course, Kiyoomi does not pick up on this. Then, leave it to Komori to come in with the save. Again, tying Kiyoomi to being a “realist,” which will come into play below.

So, it isn’t until Chapter 394 that we learn about Sakusa’s long-standing history of playing Ushijima in various matches, developing this competitive rivalry with him that has been going on since middle school. Ushijima is literally the one obstacle that he finds himself unable to surpass; the one piece of the puzzle he can’t put into place yet.

It’s no wonder the fact that someone defeated him irked him so much. 

We get a little more context from Komori on Sakusa and Ushijima’s rivalry, and more on the flashback on their Nationals loss which will tie into my last point. 

Motoya Komori

I would be remiss not to bring up Motoya Kamori’s role in all this.

I think it’s verrrrrry interesting the route Furudate chose with Komori, specifically in revealing that he’s Kiyoomi’s cousin. 

This makes a LOT of sense, considering how closed off and antisocial Sakusa is. It justifies not only why Komori is so keen to stick by Sakusa’s side, despite his seeming apathy towards his presence, but it also justifies why Kiyoomi even sticks with Komori: he really doesn’t have a choice. Komori’s family.

Side Note: Ever get the impression that Komori and Kageyama could be a fun friendship/pairing? I mean, the top setter and top libero? Komori seems genuinely friendly with Kageyama, both at the training camp and when they see each other at Nationals, commenting on Sakusa being out of his element...

...Juuuuust a crack pairing side note! Spread the word! Now, back to the post!

Komori becomes our main expositor about Sakusa in Chapter 394, noting how osbsessive compulsive he is, especially in finishing anything he starts. It’s just an odd choice for me, to make Komori his cousin. True, it goes against the stereotype that all family HAS to look or act like each other, and it does make sense to why their friendship is so strong. 

It’s just a move that Furudate hasn’t pulled the entire manga, and it comes right at the end of the series...and it disrupts Furudate’s tactic of giving us characters in “pairs” that, as some reactors have noted, are ripe for instant shipping. 

Coincidentally, right as we start to make connections between Sakusa and Ushijima. It’s almost as if Furudate sank the Komori x Sakusa ship with revealing their relationship, just in time to reveal the answer to our mystery of why Sakusa refers to Ushijima in such a familiar way...and let that ship sail. How poetic.

Also, if you wanted to know WHY Komori is so good at being a libero, look at this page below. I mean, if YOU had to practice non-stop with the Top Ace in the nation, receiving his spikes, you can only imagine that you’d be amazing at the sport. 

I also like how this page points out how, despite Sakusa also having a physical trait that makes him stand out -- like Ushijima -- in contrast, it seems Sakusa’s “oddity” was instantly accepted among his peers and he didn’t face much resistance to it. Of course, this also could be because Komori notes Sakusa wasn’t close with his “much older” and “much busier” family. 

Tendo’s Friendship

And, tying this all together, of course, is Tendo’s involvement. 

I love chapter 176 and this part of the anime, where we actually get backstory on Ushijima. I love that Tendo is pretty much his “true” friend in this series, as he actually is one of the few at Shiratorizawa to take the time to ask questions and get to know Ushijima.

Chapter 176 is a big source of material for people shipping Tendo and Ushijima together, and I’ll be honest -- until Sakusa came into the picture, I was right there with you all. Tendo shows genuine concern and sincerity in his conversations with Ushijima off the court, and on the court, he’s practically the ONLY character on Shiratorizawa’s team, and in the whole manga (other than Oikawa) that calls Ushijima out and isn’t afraid to tease him. 

Of course, in the end, Tendo is just as impressed and in awe of Ushijima’s raw athletic talent. It’s likely this page that fuels a lot of the ship:

And, even later on, Ushijima borrows Tendo’s words to reveal to the team how much he’s enjoying the match, much to their surprise and Tendo’s delight. 

So yes, Chapter 176 I believe started the UshiTen ship, and it does become more compounded in the infamous “Boy Ball Arc” before Spring Nationals, as we learn in Chapter 210 about Tendo and Ushijima’s friendship off the court in more detail; one example being them sharing Shonen Jump magazines...

...and another being that they hang out during the practice matches, with Tendo being pretty much the only one talking to Ushijima in a casual setting. 

I’d like to point out that while some see this in Chapter 214 below as a “ship” moment, I did start to question if the two were just friends when Tendo likens Ushijima to a “monster” like Hinata and Kageyama. To me, this banter reveals that Tendo, ironically referred to as a monster himself, doesn’t put himself in the same league or category as Ushijima. This is also reflected in how Tendo notes he’s not pursuing volleyball after high school, but hopes that Ushijima ends up becoming famous and interviews him as his best friend.

And this leads to the final point, which I think cements Tendo’s status as Ushijima’s best friend...but nothing more. Maybe. Perhaps. We’ll see.

We get the reveal in Chapter 395 that during Ushijima’s first few years post-high school, he didn’t constantly keep in contact with Tendo. We know this because Ushijima hasn’t mentioned his trip to the United States to Tendo, which had happened three months prior. So some time has passed there.

Of course, that doesn’t mean Tendo hasn’t kept caught up on Ushijima’s Pro Volleyball career, as that’s his reason for calling Ushijima in the first place. 

I like that Tendo offers Ushijima advice and genuinely asks how his family is doing, specifically his father, whom Ushijima went overseas to visit with his father. Even if it has been a while since they’ve talked, you can tell that they are close enough friends that everything seems to pick right back up where it left off for them, which is true for many real-life friendships, and I appreciate Furudate giving us that here, and expanded on more years later, below.

I love this page of Chapter 402. Especially Shiribu’s little crush of Ushijima, as he “shhh”’s Semi.

Not only because it reverses Tendo’s original prophecy that it would be himself interviewed as the famous Ushijima’s friend, but also that it cements their friendship. I mean, Ushijima flew to PARIS for the interview. I know that in itself could be considered shipper fodder, but the fact that they identify as best friends...it just fits them so well. And I could see Tendo talking with Ushijima on late night phone calls to talk him through his dating, or lack thereof, woes.

Also, let it be known these men are the most stylish in Haikyuu!! They should work with Asahi. 

Also, also, Tendo’s favorite food is chocolate ice cream. That should have been all the foreshadowing we needed for his future career, right? ^^

Black Jackals vs Adlers

So, that leaves us with the meat of the UshiSaku ship: the Adlers vs Black Jackals match, and the final chapter 402. In Chapter 394, we establish Sakusa’s backstory and the potential pining he’s done for Ushijima the last ten years of his life, starting with this page:

Again, tying back to being “lucky.” I like that despite how Ushijima couldn’t comprehend where Hinata attained all of his athleticism and lamented how half of his plays were just “lucky” and a combined effort of him and his teammates, in the end, Ushijima admits here that he himself is rather “lucky” he won the luck of the draw athletically and was born with a particular trait that made him excel in the game (that being lefthanded). Sakusa, incidentally, falls into the same category, though he doesn’t quite admit it as such. 

I like that we see these two actually interacting side-by-side, as equals, a visual I think Furudate designs intentionally. Unlike Tendo, who doesn’t situation himself in the same realm as Ushijima, Sakusa positions himself right in the same sphere, of the “Monster Generation.” 

By the end of Chapter 394, Sakusa reflects on his own “luck.” In how he is lucky to have been given life -- reflected with a picture of Komori, his family -- to have met people -- reflected by Ushijima specifically -- and to still be playing volleyball -- reflected by his old high school setter, whom went on to play in the Division 1 league after his own injury. His views of “luck” are all represented in ideally, the people that mean most to him...and Ushijima is one of them. 

Sakusa also describes his “Ideal Last Game,” which could be represented by the game being played in that moment. It’s beautiful that someone who is so germaphobic and hyper-obsessive with controlling the atmosphere around him (who he comes in contact with, how he finishes everything he starts), is also so content and at ease on a volleyball court, where nothing is in his control but his own body and the contact he makes with the ball. And it also helps that he’s surrounded by amazing players, like Ushijima, here, to keep him rising to the next challenge --

-- which ends up coming his way in the very next Chapter, as Ushijima (coincidentally right after Sakusa) has his “moment” of reflection and growth put on display. Of course, Sakusa isn’t “finished” with catching up to Ushijima yet, as his cousin snidely reminds him with a laugh, here. I love that we see Ushijima smile, though, at Sakusa’s effort. 

Speaking of “Effort,” that ties into later in Chapter 400, when we have Sakusa’s own high school banner for Itachiyama put on display. It’s a simple motto, that goes alongside Shiratorizawa’s in “Be Strong.” I also like here, that in contrast to Chapter 395, when Ushijima was smiling at Sakusa, who couldn’t bump his spike, in Chapter 400, we have Sakusa getting the spin off of Ushijima’s hand, and as he lands, he gives a little smirk to a disgruntled Ushijima. 

LITERALLY, these two have only truly smiled during a game at each other. Sure, each have scowled and showed irritation and drive towards facing opponents, but have we seen them “smile” at another in the midst of a game? Not really, unless you count Sakusa getting that service ace before Atsumu Miya in this same game...

Speaking of Atsumu Miya, we’ll talk about him a little bit below. But for now, I like that Sakusa describes that there’s no “room for anything that disgusts me” on the court in a pro volleyball game. Everyone is at their fullest potential and peak physical condition, just like Sakusa, and they all have worked diligently to get to that position. 

We don’t get much other UshiSaku crumbs post Chapter 400, although, I would like to point out that Furudate, when drawing the National Japan Olympic Team, placed these two right next to each other. You know...for no reason, I’m sure.

And yes, I would be remiss not to mention this tiny panel -- the last we see of Sakusa or Ushijima or Atsumu Miya, I believe -- as it’s Sakusa that digs up Oikawa’s insane serve. I just LOVE the smile that Ushijima has here as Sakusa digs it. Because unlike Sakusa and Atsumu Miya, Ushijima knows exactly what kind of player Oikawa was in the past, and no doubt knows the kind of plays he could pull off...so I’d imagine he’s proud that his teammate dug up this serve right off the bat. 

I know there are a lot of people that ship AtsuSaku, and I won’t deny you that Furudate has laid out crumbs for them as well...but I sort of view Miya with Sakusa the same way I view Tendo with Ushijima at the end of the day: as best friends. I definitely think that there is a hilarious friendship angle with Sakusa and Atsumu Miya -- but I think it’s Ushijima that is the player Sakusa is always going to try and beat and surpass...you could argue, very similar to the dynamic between Hinata and Kageyama in their rivalry...albeit, I think Sakusa’s hints more deliberately at something more...but that’s just my opinion.

In the end, I find it interesting the decisions Furudate makes to show us these characters and specific interactions at the end of the series; specifically, showing Ushijima and Sakusa’s backstories back-to-back, and with all the little glances and panels of them near or looking towards one another. But hey, shippers will see what shippers want to see, right? 

I do think that Komori’s panel here in Chapter 394 is pretty telling, though: 

Sakusa has identified Ushijima as someone he wants to beat and surpass, and he’s not going to stop until he does. And if there are feelings beyond that...well...he’s not going to stop until “he’s satisfied” with that, either. 

At least, according to Chapter 378, Ushijima’s already got his flu shot.

I hope you all enjoyed this little dive into this bizarre pairing in Haikyuu!! I’ve wanted to break this apart for a while, and now that the manga is over, I hope to do more of these types of posts with other pairings. Until next time, we can celebrate the ship that is UshiSaku (and KomoYama/KageMori -- pass it on!) with fan fiction and fan art to our heart’s content! ^^

[clansayeed]

Hey Jack! I wanted to know what your thoughts are on Rheya. Was she really a villain to you? Were her motives justifiable? Was she a good villain? Did you think she deserved to have a redemption arc in chapter 16? What could have been written to make her have a better character story? Any thoughts at all about Rheya!

FOREWARNING: Anon... I accidentally wrote you a 2500 word essay. I shit you not this thing is 2,528 words long. So... I don’t know whether to say you’re welcome or I’m sorry. Just letting you know in advance.

ADD-ON POST-POSTING: I’m fully aware this is an app game. A three book series written with sexying vampires in mind. Where the medium is limited both size and content-wise, where you can’t go into much detail because they can only have so many panels in a chapter, etc. Still thinking what I think though. And if you get paid to create content professionally the least you can do for your own paycheck is go back and double-check your work.

Actually this ask came at a good time since I have to work on some character motivations for her for my series... and I always break down the in-canon versions before working on my own. So anon, let’s talk... are you a mind reader?

Kidding! mostly

So. Rheya.

I actually just finished my first replay of book 2 and at the moment I’ve only ever played book 3 the once. I played it as it was releasing so there were some memory gaps in some places and needed-refreshers in others. But on a whole I have similar thoughts about Rheya as I do Xenocrates, and you can find those thoughts here.

Overall she was a solid setup, good design and potential, and PB pretty much wasted her execution.

I wanna start with a genuine question to the fandom since I’ve never actually been able to ask this... but y’all like... totally saw the Bloodkeeper being related to her coming, right? Like I was so convinced of it that when it was revealed in some big dramatic point at the end I was like “yeah... they told us this...?” and it turns out they fuckin didn’t??? Like I could not understand the people who were like super into her sprite like yes she looks good but here I was thinking she was our ancestor from the get-go so I was... confused to say the least.

Not gonna lie when they started pushing in snippets of Rheya’s past trauma in book 2 (things like her yelling “you know what they did to me/took from me” which is paraphrased but you know what I mean) I really hoped they weren’t gonna do what they did. So of course they did it.

But I wish they’d like... just given her the kid. Just give her Iola and leave the weird suddenly random husband out of it. At this point we know Gaius has an unhealthy idolatry for her, we know Xenocrates adored her in his own way in his youth... but we know fuckall about Demetrius up to and including his existence until literally book 3. Sloppy, IMO. They took something not being mentioned and used it to put in a plot device when the omission should have been strategical.

TBH I thought the whole “you know what they did to me” was gonna get hella dark RE: Rheya and King Kaelisus’ obsession with her. That’s as far as I’ll go there.

But you have a Priestess, a known Priestess, who was definitely faithful enough not to stray even when she thought she was walking to her own death. It’s pretty easy to assume (as I did ngl) that she would be completely devoted to Phampira, including romantically/sexually. It would have been a good setup to explain why she never gave Gaius the goods if anything.

And there’s nothing wrong with having said Priestess have her own family while still being devoted. I just wish PB would have used some fucking forethought and hinted at that earlier on than they did. Because they didn’t hint. They dropped this random fisherman-something husband on us and told us she cared enough about his opinion to make him part of her advisory board but not... to like... mention him in any of her conversations in any of the flashbacks... including those in which he would have been alive.

On that note the whole timeline there is really messy, they obviously threw him and Iola in later on after some things were established/couldn’t be taken back. I’ve studied this shit extensively and it’s really muddled exactly how long Rheya ruled, when shit went down with her family, how much time had passed when Xenocrates staked her, etc.

I would have loved for Iola’s father not to have been there. Give me a strong woman, a strong single mother, who would burn the world for the loss of her daughter. Doesn’t matter who did the deed, Iola was hers and the Sons/Order took that from her and the world would have to pay the price.

If I had been given that I would end all of my complaints right here. I would, genuinely. Because then her descent into madness, her paranoia, her megalomania would all have been explained. And they still technically are but -- maybe it’s just me -- there’s something about her having to factor in Demetrius that just... takes me out of it. IDK.

I didn’t mind the guy... though him being a talking tree of doom was a little much for me... though by that point I had accepted the plot was off the goddamn rails and just kept nodding and going with it. But his presence made the story okay when his absence could have made the story impactful and powerful and emotional. That’s just my thoughts. Which you asked for. You did this.

No takesies-backsies.

Was she a villain? Hells to the yes.

It’s a classic case of obtaining ultimate power and abusing it; of crossing the line between justice and vengeance. Not that she wasn’t justified in her freak-out over the death of her family. But everything after up to and including her fatal feeding schedule was totally unnecessary. For a villain, yes necessary. 

For a vampire goddess who could have easily used Gaius’ influence over the vampires of the modern world to form a cult following around herself with an open dialogue about her big ass appetite and probably would have ended up with swaths of willing adorers ready to lend their blood to her cause thus eliminating the need for secrecy and subsequent feeling of betrayal...

You tell me.

I feel like she was definitely more than a little hyped up though. Not even going into my whole-ass issue with the entire Unchained plot and thus the first like 4-5 chapters of book 3, she was hyped up in myth and kind of a let down in person. She could FLY. Walk in the SUN. Heal the DYING. She’s vampire JESUS.

*ADDED IN LATER: She took out THE ENTIRE ORDER OF THE DAWN, WHO HAVE RAVAGED THE VAMPIRE POPULATION FOR LITERALLY 3000 YEARS since they were around in her time after all IN LIKE A THREE-MOVE COMBO BREAK. ALL THIS SHIT THEY HYPED WITH THE ORDER and their entire ERADICATION isn’t even an ON-SCREEN THING. Unless you pay.

Dude if they had kept Xenocrates and the Order and used the two of them against each other; the Order’s long-standing influence on the modern world versus the new world Rheya wanted to create with the human populations not knowing the history behind their hatred, where like the first half of the book is Rheya and MC and gang taking out the Order and Xenocrates only to find out in the middle point that she’s been doing it for selfish reasons and they were on the wrong team the whole time and THEN Rheya becomes the big bad... I would have enjoyed the shit out of that.

Anyway. “She’s vampire JESUS...” and her big evil plan is to... suck face on national television? IDK. It didn’t play the mood right for me. I can see from a writer’s perspective how they kind of played out all of their options and went with a quick and easy solution... but it didn’t work for me. That’s a no from me dawg.

Do I think she deserved a redemption arc? I don’t think anybody deserved a god damn redemption arc, unless they are done with extreme care and attention to detail before/during/after said arc they go horribly, and overall tend to be the plot device pick of lazy writers.

And I take nothing back. No like I think I might have gone into how much I fucking hated Gaius’ “reDEmPtiON aRc” before or at least I have somewhere and to someone. Probably Sofia... no most definitely Sofia. But anyway. They spend TWO GOD DAMN BOOKS hyping Gaius as this ultimately irredeemable bad guy. 

OMG I was literally playing the book 2 finale and got a quote hold on... HERE. Adrian literally says about Gaius in 2.16 “It’s like there’s no humanity left.” And that’s just one actual example of the tons of times they make him out to be devoted to Rheya of his own volition, the ultimate example of the line between believing in something and being blinded to everything by it, etc. Like a huge chunk of Kamilah’s and Adrian’s arcs RE: Gaius are about how he was definitely a monster, he turns the people around him into monsters, and while they have worked their asses off to be good and right their wrongs he has not, will not, and would not ever do such a thing.

Then suddenly he’s brainwashed, tried to turn Rheya down and was made into a loony toon because of it, and everything he made MC’s loved ones do that they blamed themselves for but needed to blame him for is suddenly Rheya’s fault and now we should blame her for.

Mmmmmkay sweetie. I’m good, thanks.

But really -- that was the last straw for me when it came to both Gaius and Rheya. There’s a difference between giving the villain something they see as a just cause (ex. Rheya avenging her family) and giving the villain a cop-out that absolves them of guilt (ex. Gaius and... everything about him). Like yes I know MC didn’t have to forgive him, I know Kamilah didn’t really forgive him, but it’s pretty fuckin obvious from how it was put out into the world story that the writers were trying to lean you towards blaming Rheya and letting Gaius off the hook.

I mean... making him save Lula for real when Rheya saved her for fake earlier on in the book, using Lula as a stand-in metaphor for her own child daughter that she finds out she was the cause of her death for, etc? That symbolism is so transparent I could put it in the asset database.

And I’ll only briefly touch on this since I could write a whole other essay on the matter RE: PB and their fucking constant repetition of this, but “let’s give both bad guys similar moral quandaries but suddenly reveal it was a consent issue and the woman is wholly to blame and now gets the man’s crimes piled on with her own” is super common in fiction and hella. fucking. sexist.

But that isn’t to say all of this is necessarily bad.

When done right, everything I’ve complained about above can be a part of a really good story. What “done right” means is different for everyone, everyone has a different example and different thoughts on it. These are mine. I think the better term would be done well. It was not done WELL.

But given things like PB’s weird obsession with redeeming the attractive (apparently) bad guy, PB’s history with narrowing a woman down to one trait or part of her (ex. Rheya’s power corruption centered around her role as a wife and mother and not... a super all powerful vampire goddess...), their obvious lack of attention to detail and overall lack of vision when it comes to the big picture* and more, I personally don’t think they knew what the fuck they wanted by book 3 and were already well into transitioning into whatever adultery-obsessed lingerie shenanery they’re fixated on now; so much so that it’s almost a disservice to the writing done in earlier book 1 and a decent chunk of book 2 when calling it a whole series.

*I keep bringing this up only because it means I can back up stuff like this with real examples of theirs: these guys did not write the plot of this series as a cohesive story. I get that, as a writer writing a big series myself I get the fuck out of that. But you have to solidify some things early on in the development process in order to avoid writing yourself into a hole or, like with this, having to result in trope-y plot devices that work in theory but on paper don’t give the story the full-circle fulfillment it deserves. 

Their timelines are out of whack, they contradict themselves in quite a few places, constantly wishy-washy their own lore, and definitely didn’t go back and double check if they’d said something already... and that’s not including where they focused on the details of one unimportant thing and left another more important thing to just be “and this is the way it is moving on.”

I literally have no way/idea how to summarize any of this bullshittery going on in this ask. Did I like Rheya? The character personality, design, and overall idea as this big ass badass power/hungry goddess demanding fealty was pretty cool. Did I like Rheya when they narrowed her story down to her grief over her family (which, again, is valid, but just seemed really disjointed and rushed when compared to everything else they had given about her/shown of her by the beginning of book 3)? Not... as much.

I think they wanted her to seem like she could be redeemed. I mean FFS in the “big battle” she literally just stands there and lets you do the thing. 3000 years imprisoned and however many centuries before that spent taking the power that she was denied all because some bad dudes in masks killed the mortal husband and daughter you would have eventually lost to old age anyway...? And she just stands there??? 

Even knowing she was really behind Iola’s death they could have stuck with the “madness consumed” plotline and had her be like well... what’s done is done back to taking over now thank you.

But sometimes a bad guy just has to be a bad guy. Rourke from ES, mister capitalism -- can’t remember them trying to redeem him. If they had I don’t think I would have liked it so much. Who else... UGH. Thomas in NB. Crazy zombie man wants all monsters dead because one killed his family (can we stop using dead families for grief porn please and thanks...) another example of a useless villain. Hence why I removed him from my NB rewrite don’t even get me going...

What’s his face in TCATF! Luther! You join up with him and he still tries to kill you in the end! Now that was fucking classic. Hex, who suddenly is forgiven for the literal enslavement of a race of people and the thoughtless murder of a civilization that didn’t agree with her.. and all because she was ‘like a mother’ to the kid genius? Not so much.

I could go on and on and go search out tons of examples but in the end the one thing you can say PB does well is that they stay consistent in their ideas of redemption, of who deserves it and who isn’t, and just how far they’re willing to stretch the fucking story to forgive a character if 1. the sprite is hot or 2. the sprite had a little sprite family somewhere in there.

legit just talk to me about bb/nb

[blackjack-15]

Silly Rabbit, Ecological Terrorism is For Kids! — Thoughts on: The White Wolf of Icicle Creek (ICE)

Previous Metas: SCK/SCK2, STFD, MHM, TRT, FIN, SSH, DOG, CAR, DDI, SHA, CUR, CLK, TRN, DAN, CRE

Hello and welcome to a Nancy Drew meta series! 30 metas, 30 Nancy Drew Games that I’m comfortable with doing meta about. Hot takes, cold takes, and just Takes will abound, but one thing’s for sure: they’ll all be longer than I mean them to be.

Each meta will have different distinct sections: an Introduction, an exploration of the Title, an explanation of the Mystery, a run-through of the Suspects. Then, I’ll tackle some of my favorite and least favorite things about the game, and finish it off with ideas on how to improve it. As ICE sends off the Jetsetting Games category and moves into the Odd Games category, there will be a section between The Intro and The Title called The Weird Stuff, where I’ll go into what storyline marks this game a bit Odd in the Nancy Drew series as a whole.

If any game requires an extra section or two, they’ll be listed in the paragraph above, along with links to previous metas.

These metas are not spoiler free, though I’ll list any games/media that they might spoil here: ICE; TRT; mention of FIN; mention of CUR; mention of TRN; mention of SEA.

This meta is under a read more because of its sheer length.

The Intro:

Ughhhhh. UGHHH.

The White Wolf of Icicle Creek has a lot of things that make it distinct in the Nancy Drew video game series — it sports the first new interface since SHA, it has the world’s most boring list of ‘enticing moments’ from the game on the back, its assets look like they were forcefully molded out of gummy bears, it randomly was released on Wii, it’s the best-known game among non-fans thanks to the Game Grumps — but it also stands out because not one of those things make it enjoyable to play or to watch without a heavy amount of MST3K-style commentary.

Also because it features the fandom’s least favorite puzzle of all time…but more on that later.

A point to get out of the way before we get into the game proper is that this game feels a lot like a cheap knock-off of Treasure in a Royal Tower. Like, a lot like a cheap knock-off. One of those animated films called “Bemo’s Lost in the Ocean” or “A Toy Tale” that come out around Disney/Pixar films to try to trick hapless grandmas into buying them.

Just lining it up, we have Nancy stuck in/around a lodge in winter, an edict from the owner of the lodge to figure out what’s up with repeated Incidents and possible sabotage while most guests have left, an academic around Nancy’s age, an Old Coot, an Olympian whose grandparent was important, chores (including food related chores) to do in order to progress in the story, a suspect you can only talk to face-to-face for part of the game…the list honestly goes on in both big and small ways.

While ICE isn’t the only one that tries to do this (since I’m not doing a SEA meta, I won’t get into the fact that SEA literally just remastered DDI’s characters and said ‘good enough’), it does feel particularly egregious because, for all its copying, there’s not enough in the game to distract from it even a bit.

ICE is a game searching for an identity and unable to find one, no matter how many plot points, chores, or games (horrible, unskippable games) they throw at the player. We have full on international espionage and ecological terrorism here (more on that in the next section), and it just…doesn’t matter, at the end of the day. It also takes place in Canada, but your only clue to that is that one of the characters says “eh” a lot, so that’s not great either.

If ICE is a new game to you (it can be a bear to install and even worse to complete, so I’m going to go off the assumption that not everyone will be familiar with it), you’ve probably only heard of the cooking chores, fox and geese, and that this is the game with the Return of Tony Balducci, previously of TRN fame. (Honestly, ICE had a big enough cast without its phone characters, but HER decided to shove three phone characters along with one partial phone character at us anyway.) And, to be honest, that’s pretty much all there is to the game.

Now I know this sounds harsh, but there is a possible explanation to the lack of content in this game. In my previous meta (link at the top of this post) I made a note that CRE’s production in all likelihood suffered because the company was focused on ICE’s new interface. I don’t think it’s a leap at all to say that ICE’s story and characters could also have suffered because of the same thing.

The biggest problem with ICE — besides the weird stuff we’ll get into below — is that it’s a shallow game. None of the characters have any real depth, the plot is a paper-thin copy of TRT, the puzzles are alternatingly impossible and extremely easy, and in an effort to add “depth”, we get…well, we get this next section.

The Weird Stuff:

With each of the Odd Games (ICE through RAN, Heaven help us all), there’s something that makes the game truly…well, odd. Odd for the Nancy Drew series, odd for the age range specified on the front of the box, and odd in general when you look at the rest of the plot.

In this game, it comes in the form of terrorism — or rather, two types of terrorism. Guadalupe is our first (and only, in this series) ecological terrorist, belonging to a fringe group called “Run and Go Free” and being perfectly fine with illegal acts (destruction of the fishing lodge, sabotage of personal property), even telling Nancy that she’s done worse in the name of Run and Go Free.

Nancy Drew Games are no stranger to hippie/naturalist types (see DOG, DDI, CAR, etc.) but Lupe is our first to be legitimately dangerous. Sure, she doesn’t end up being the ultimate Bad Guy, but she is A Bad Guy, and it really does seem very odd to me that after everything Lupe does (and insinuates that she’s done), that she gets away with barely a slap on the wrist in having to leave the lodge.

Lupe in no way fits in with the rest of the plot; there’s nothing to justify her being present in the game, she can appear about halfway through the game and then leaves to become a phone contact soon after, she’s not present enough to be an actual suspect — she has no place in the plot nor the game, and it really does just boggle the mind that a character is in it at all, especially with ICE having a greater than average number of suspects to begin with.

On the other hand, however, we have Yanni, an Eastern European Olympian spy/terrorist, sent by the Fredonian (a commonly used fake country) government to bomb around the lodge to find uranium under the cover of training for the next Olympics.

That is a whole lot of things for one character.

You’d think with the presence of Lupe that Yanni would fit right in, but he doesn’t make her — or himself — any less odd or out of place than he would have been alone. It’s a ‘suspicious Olympian’ character that we already got with Jacques, but he’s a million times worse, setting off friggin bombs to find a metal that his government wants for…well, the normal reason that governments want uranium.

So we can add in “reference to ongoing nuclear warfare” as another thing that makes this game Odd.

Yanni doesn’t fit the game or the plot, which is pretty bad considering he’s responsible for about half the plot in the first place. He also has that weird aside about his grandmother being eaten by wolves, as if HER wants the player to suspect him because of some twisted revenge against wolves plot (which would have been Very Weird) so that they can pull the rug out at the end and be like “see?? He’s a political terrorist looking for uranium for nuclear bombs for his country!!! Gotcha!!”.

Like, it’s not a Gotcha if it’s absolute lunacy. My land.

With that explanation out of the way, let’s get to something a little less Odd.

The Title:

 I actually don’t have much to say here. The White Wolf of Icicle Creek is honestly a great name; it tells us the focal point of the game (the wolf), the location, (Icicle Creek), and even pretty much tells you the season that this game is happening in (white, icicle). It accomplishes a lot in a very short amount of words, and pertains accurately to the game we’re dealing with.

We’ll chalk that up in the “Win” category…especially since we’re going straight back into the “Lose” category with the next section.

The Mystery:

The mystery is a mess, full stop. There’s way too much going on for the amount of payoff (i.e. little to none), and the plot, thin at best, completely drops off at the 2/3rds mark when all the player has left to do is wait for random events to occur and keep putting off fox and geese.

Anyway.

We begin with strange, destructive incidents of sabotage happening at a renowned winter resort. Most of the guests have left, and there’s been some damage to parts of the resort. Asked for help by the owner of the resort who’s away on business, Nancy must pick up the slack left by staff who have quit, run food-related errands, and discover who might be behind these attacks before it’s too late.

Oh wait, that’s Treasure in a Royal Tower. Lemme start again.

We begin with strange, destructive incidents of sabotage happening at a renowned winter resort. Most of the guests have left, and there’s been some damage —

You get the picture.

The biggest difference pre-game is that after every incident, a white wolf is spotted, only to disappear before the police get there. People start connecting the wolf to the crimes, and go as far as blaming it for cases of food poisoning and slashed tires, as if the wolf is cooking food and using a knife with its paws.

Just as Nancy’s arriving on scene, the bunkhouse is blown up and she hears the wolf howling — so obviously there must be a connection there, and a wolf definitely isn’t just responding to a loud noise.

This part honestly feels a bit like the beginning of CUR, where the game tries to establish Scary Feelings and Ominous Threats and just comes off ham-fisted.

The back of the box features three ‘exciting’ things that Nancy gets to do in this game, which are as follows: cook lunch and dinner, ride a snowmobile and wear snow shoes, and do snowball fights and ice fishing. While it’s sad that those moderately exciting things are the best that the box can boast, it’s even sadder that they really are the best the game has to offer.

It’s easy to lose thread of the mystery nearly as soon as Nancy gets to the lodge, because she’s immediately bombarded with laundry that has to be done before a certain time, meals that have to be done within a certain hour or two, and a suspect (Lupe) that can just refuse to show up.

Oh, and the return of Tino Balducci.

Returning in a game where he doesn’t fit in and where no one wanted him in the first place, Tino’s there to “help” Nancy solve the mystery by giving her a questionnaire for her suspects to fill out that asks what planet they see themselves as, among other inanities.

Honestly, this whole section could be summed up as “Tino returns, among other inanities”.

Nancy, throughout all of this, somehow has time to do a bit of detective work, interviewing a cast of rather one-note suspects, figuring out that more than one person is responsible for the many accidents. Guadalupe’s sabotage is discovered and she’s sent home, Yanni is increasingly unavailable (which is hugely suspicious), snowball fights are more prevalent than necessary, and finally the villain is exposed, all culminating in a glitchy, nigh-impossible snowmobile chase.

Oh, and there’s a half-tamed wolf storyline that kinda pops up every now and again.

All in all, the mystery is a weak thread throughout the game — which is a problem, because it’s the only thread throughout the game — that’s easily overshadowed by the chores, games, and frankly awful visuals throughout the game.

Now, to those who contribute (in a way) to the non-entity that is ICE’s story:

The Suspects:

Ollie Randall is our resident grumpy caretaker and is Chantal’s right-hand man, along with being on the Avalanche Patrol and a firm believer in the bad luck that wolves bring. His wife can’t handle cold temperatures due to a nerve condition, so he’s also his daughter Freddie’s sole parent during the winter.

As a culprit in the game as it now is, Ollie would have been the only sensical option; fed up with the awful guests that come and cause havoc, he starts causing little easily-solved accidents to spook away the less hardy-type guests, but it keeps spiraling as it doesn’t keep out everyone but people like Bill Kessler. Frustrated by the treatment the lodge gets, he decides that if people don’t treat it nicely, they can’t have it at all…

Unfortunately, Ollie is limited to being Grumpy, and not a lot else.

Freddie Randall is Ollie’s daughter and the self-proclaimed Snow Princess due to her ability to stay out in the cold for hours in her snow fort, and to take repeated snowballs to the face courtesy of a teen detective.

Freddie is…I know I talked about how Yanni and Lupe don’t really fit into the game, but Freddie really doesn’t fit any version of this game. She’s there for a mini game, she doesn’t have a personality, you can’t skip her mini game, she’s voiced by Lani Minella…the list goes on and on. Her shining moment of glory is acting as a red herring by throwing a snowball through Lou’s window.

She’s pointless to talk about as a potential culprit, even though she would have been an interesting “culprit” in a case where all the incidents are actually Freddie accidentally causing trouble, but that probably would have been even less satisfying than how the game actually went, so we’ll just move along here.

Our cross-country skiing Olympian from the fictional Eastern European country of Fredonia, Yanni Volkstaia is both our only suspect wearing a onesie and our only suspect with a family member eaten by wolves.

I know, that’s already a high bar to top. Don’t worry, he’ll fall very, very far below it.

Yanni, as mentioned above, is our odd spy/terrorist villain who is disguising his being there for uranium by saying that it’s his Olympic competitors trying to throw off his training. Why an Olympian is training alone without any coaches or security…well, let’s just say that Yanni didn’t really think his cover story through.

Just because Yanni’s the obvious culprit doesn’t mean he fills the role well; Yanni is obvious, annoying, and his paper-thin cover is just annoying enough to be…well, annoying. He throws out that his grandmother was “killed and devoured” by wolves as if he wants Nancy to believe that that’s the reason he’s targeting the lodge but…it still points directly to him. It’s just not great all the way around.

Joining Yanni in terrorism is Guadalupe Comillo, activist from California and hard-to-find suspect. Lupe can, as mentioned above, literally just not appear for a bit, stalling out the game and making her even more annoying than she already is.

Lupe’s cover is that she’s a bird watcher, but she knows absolutely nothing about birds — like honestly nothing, even though she had time to make her cover story (not unlike Yanni).

She gets sent away by destruction of private property (Ollie’s gun – super dangerous to make a gun misaim out in the wild and she’s lucky he didn’t hit anything problematic [like another person] because of it) and good riddance, but appears as a phone friend to rather pointlessly exonerate herself and do pretty much nothing else but stop the game in its tracks until she lets it proceed.

As a culprit, Lupe would have been the other obvious choice, but she’s just not in the game enough, so she’s easy to ignore. Her cover is thin, but so is her motivation (!!! Save the wolf!!!), so she’s one of the most annoying non-entity suspects in this series.

Our second Californian in the cast is Lou Talbot, who is a college student, master of ‘earthitecture’ (inspired by Poppy Dada) and stealer of dinosaur bones for money. He also plays fox and geese with Bill in his spare time. He does a really good impression of the Guy in my MFA twitter as well, but that’s literally it.

No, really, that’s his entire character. I can’t even posit what he would be like as the culprit because that is LITERALLY all we’re given on him. End of bio. My gosh, what a waste of pixels.

Lou’s partner in fox and geese is Bill Kessler, who loves to fish and whose grandmother used to own the lodge before Chantal. While he feels that his grandmother Tilly was cheated out of the lodge, he has little desire to get it back, and really just wants to hide the fact that he’s been to the lodge before (an odd thing to hide, but whatever makes him feel better.)

Like Lou, apart from that, he really doesn’t have any character. He basically is a mix of TRT’s Jacques in his family connection to the lodge and SHA’s Dave in actual amount of motivation (i.e., 0 motivation) to do anything about it. He is, however, the person who makes Nancy play fox and geese, and for that alone, I hate him.

As a culprit, Bill’s played as a red herring for a solid 5 minutes of gameplay (though not very well — why would an avid fisherman blow up a fishing shack?), and then totally discounted the moment Nancy finds out his backstory. He’s really just there — like most of the cast, worryingly enough — to pad out the number of suspects and to give Nancy a taste of Hell through fox and geese.

The Favorite:

There are a few bright spots in this confused mess of a game, so let’s go through them.

My favorite moment in the game is when Nancy, after Yanni says the horrific line about his grandmother being killed and devoured by wolves, can ask “how”. As if that’s a sentence that needs a ‘how’. It’s a great moment of Nancy being absolutely tone deaf, and I giggle like a madman every time I think about it.

My favorite puzzle in the game is probably the cooking minigame, which I dislike in frequency and time requirement, but do love in actual practice. It’s fun to cook in every Nancy Drew game, and this one is no exception. I just wish it wasn’t regimented so heavily.

I love the atmosphere of the lodge; it’s beautifully animated (in fact one of my favorite locations in the ND games), big without being too big, and is never boring, even by the end of the game. The lodge is largely a character unto itself, and is quite successful as a wonderful location.

The Un-Favorite:

There’s a lot to unpack here, but we’ll keep it short because the fix section of this meta is gonna have me by the throat.

My least favorite moment in the game is the moment Tino comes into the game. As the game now stands, there’s no reason for him to be involved, and short a comment about him by the Hardy Boys, which would at least justify it a little, he’s purposeless. He’s worse than that, actually — he’s there to slow the game down, and that’s a cardinal sin.

My least favorite puzzle in the game is a tie between fox and geese (UGH) and the final snowmobile chase. My problems with fox and geese are obvious — they’re everyone’s problems with fox and geese: it’s a required puzzle, it’s hard to do, there’s no way to cheat through it, and it takes forever.

The final snowmobile chase is somehow even worse. It’s buggy, laggy, has nothing to do with the actual plot, has arbitrary win conditions — it’s the worst (or at least among the worst) that HER has to offer with final puzzles. If everything else about ICE was perfect, engaging, fun, and thought-provoking, this final puzzle would still put me off of playing it. It’s just that bad.

The storyline with Isis and that whole backstory isn’t treated well in game; it’s almost as if they came up with the title and then remembered at the last minute that there’s supposed to be an actual wolf. I would have loved more of a focus on that storyline; as it is, it barely counts as a blip on the game’s radar — which is a shame.

The Fix:

Gosh, how on earth will I fix The White Wolf of Icicle Creek? The answer is that I don’t feel like I can just apply a few quick fixes and be on my way; the only answer I could find is to approach this as if I was at the proposal meeting for this game — how would I outline the barebones scenario?

This section will be long, as I’m going to start just from the skeleton and build things in. What follows is my own imaginings of what my own personal ideas would be to create ICE, rather than to fix it from what the finished product was. As an important note, the side-plot with the wolf, as it was really neglected and bare-bones to begin with in the game, is mostly removed.

The first section I’ll work on is structure. Though it wasn’t done perfectly in FIN, I feel like the pacing of ICE could be vastly improved by putting a clock on the game by assigning designated days and tasks. Three days is still probably a good idea, as it lets us easily break the story into a 3-act structure and delineate certain tasks for certain days without overloading one day in particular. We’ll get more into what should happen in Days 1, 2, and 3 later in a general overview of how the plot would go.

The mechanism used to get Nancy there — Chantal being a friend of Carson’s — isn’t bad, but I’d change it up just slightly. Nancy’s not yet a “professional” detective, but we’re only 2 games from her being hired by a foreign country’s authorities, so she should be making her way up there. It stands to reason that Nancy would attract some attention from the business in CRE since the Hardy Boys would definitely mention Nancy in their de-briefing and Aikens is a big name, so let’s build on that from here. Chantal is still Carson’s friend, and she still wants to get these incidents solved while she’s away from the Lodge for legal matters — someone got injured at the lodge and is now suing.

Carson decides to officially hire Nancy — paperwork, legal documentation, etc. — as a “concerned third party” in Chantal’s problems, telling her that her job is to find out two things: find out what’s causing the incidents of sabotage, and give Carson enough evidence in favor of the lodge’s safety that he can prove reasonable doubt against the people accusing Chantal. Nancy will be there undercover as a family friend of Chantal’s, with only Ollie knowing that she’s there in an official capacity.

ICE has a cast that is both unwieldy and characterless, and I feel like the way to fix that is through combining characters. Starting out we have Ned, Chantal, Tino, the ex-maid, her boyfriend, Ollie, Freddie, Lupe, Yanni, Lou, and Bill — 10 characters that we deal with in the present, plus one other player (in the boyfriend/stalker guy). 11 in total. That is a huge, huge cast that we definitely need to pare down.

The first thing to do is to take out Tino Balducci. He slows down the plot, is completely unnecessary, and isn’t even entertaining. Since there’s no Hardy Boys to play off of him (and I would keep the Hardy Boys out of this game, even with my love for them), Tino needs to go the way of the dodo. And good riddance to him, honestly.

Freddie, an obvious subject to axe, should instead be aged up to around 20 and combined with the maid whose ex-boyfriend’s letter Nancy finds at the beginning of the game. Freddie would handle all the chores the first day except the cooking.

Instead of a nebulous, incident-causing ex-boyfriend, Freddie would have just started a relationship with Lou, keeping our cast tight and visible, rather than one-off characters with nothing else to give to the story.

By now we’re down to Carson, Ned, Chantal, Freddie, Ollie, Lupe, Yanni, Lou, and Bill. I think we can do a little better than that.

The next step I’d take is to remove Yanni entirely. Yes, I know it’s a big change to remove the canonical culprit, but bear with me. With Yanni and Lupe having so many similarities and together being guilty of 99% of the Crimes in this game, I’m pretty comfortable in combining them. I’d also make the minor change of having Lupe be an Indigenous Canadian rather than Hispanic and from California, since our game is set in Canada and there’s absolutely no reason for a large portion of our cast to be American.

With Yanni gone, Lupe (or whatever her new name would be, since the name ‘Lupe’, all nationality changes aside, in a game ostensibly about a wolf makes me want to kill myself) assumes a few of his personality quirks – most importantly, a family member with a past with wolves. It doesn’t really matter if it’s positive or negative, you just want the association there as a herring (red or otherwise).

That puts us down to 5 suspects to talk to and three phone friends for a total of 8 players in the present. Since Chantal is supposed to be busy, I’d remove the ability to talk to her entirely — anything that Chantal could offer can come through Carson as Nancy’s official “employer”, which brings us to a nice 7 players — an entirely manageable number.

So let’s begin.

The beginning of the game with Nancy at her desk always includes a case file, so this time the case file would say that Nancy, at the behest of her ‘client’, Carson Drew, is flying out to Alberta to investigate strange happenings at Chantal Moique’s lodge. Chantal is trying to settle with people who got hurt there and are trying to sue her, and Carson’s helping to advise her. Nancy’s mission is two-fold: figure out what’s causing the incidents at the lodge, and find evidence that Chantal can’t be held liable for the injuries incurred by the guests suing her.

Wolves are commonly seen around the area of the lodge — Northern Alberta has some of the highest population of wolves in North America — and there’s a rumor at the lodge that the spirits of the wolves that are hunted in the area every winter are causing some of the sabotage.

Chantal thinks the rumor is being spread by whoever is doing the actual sabotage to make her guests leave and force her out of business, so Carson tells Nancy to pay attention to the stories about the wolves — and one snow-white wolf in particular, who is often sighted very close to the lodge. Carson suspects that, if it exists, the white wolf is actually a trained dog (a white/white and silver Siberian Husky, for example) being used to whip up panic, but tells Nancy to keep an open mind.

As Nancy’s arriving at the Lodge, an explosion occurs in the distance, causing the rumbling of snow to start. Ollie, who’s picked up Nancy from her plane, says darkly that he’s been waiting for something like this to happen, and that this will probably cause a minor avalanche (his opinion as the head of Avalanche Patrol in the area), making it impossible to leave the lodge for a few days. He tells Nancy to head straight to bed once they get to the lodge, as she’s in for an exhausting time dealing with the “weirdos” still left at the lodge.

Nancy wakes up and Day One begins with Freddie freaking out outside Nancy’s door. After explaining that the regular chef (who was off for the last month visiting family) can’t get back to the lodge until tomorrow and that Freddie’s only manned the kitchen once or twice, Nancy says that she has experience cooking and offers to take the chef’s duties for the day.

Day One has Nancy meet all the suspects – Bill’s playing a game (I don’t care what it is as long as it’s something that involves writing things down) with anyone who passes by and talks about how out of all the lodges in Canada, this one’s his favorite; Lou hangs out near the bones (make him an archeology major or something related to but not exactly paleontology) and Definitely Doesn’t Know the Cute Girl Who Works at the Lodge, How Dare Nancy Assume; Not-Lupe is gone until 4pm when it starts getting dark because she loves spending time in nature, especially with the Super Special Wolf running around the place; and Ollie’s in the workshop fixing the things that have been sabotaged, worries about his daughter being away from her mother and about her ‘cavorting’ with a guest.

Nancy still preps lunch and the day goes on without a hitch other than Lou having an overheard argument with someone at around 6. Nancy cooks dinner, accidentally (due to smudged instructions from Freddie) sprinkling paprika in everyone’s food and setting off an allergic (mild to moderate anaphylaxis, helped by an epi pen) reaction + hives in Freddie, who they fly out via helicopter that night.

Ollie, feeling hostile towards Nancy, takes a look at the instructions/recipe that Nancy worked off of and says to her that the first page is Freddie’s handwriting, but the second page isn’t — someone did this on purpose. Nancy calls Carson, who says that the soonest he can get there is the day after next, and to keep herself safe above everything — he’ll check in with the hospital Freddie’s at since it’s also in Edmonton, where Carson and Chantal are. Carson warns Nancy that the guests were about to settle the lawsuit when the news about the explosion hit the news, and are now more determined than ever to sue for all Chantal’s worth.

Day 2 opens with the cook (who’s unseen and just exists in order to relieve Nancy of kitchen duty) arriving and a phone call from Carson asking for Chantal/Freddie if Nancy can grab the laundry bags from the guests’ rooms and that the spare key is in the register at the front (of course guarded by a puzzle — I’d even accept a mini fox and geese, as one of the big problems with that puzzle in the vanilla game is that it goes on way too long.

While snooping in the desk, Nancy finds evidence that Chantal might have been guilty of criminal neglect — a few things around the lodge are listed as “fixed” and totally safe when really they still need some maintenance — and wonders how she should tell Carson and if she should wait until she has more evidence. Before she goes out for the day, Not-Lupe mentions to Nancy “in confidence” that she overheard Lou fighting with Freddie before dinner, calling it a “lover’s quarrel”.

After lunch and talking with all the suspects again, Nancy goes to grab the laundry with the master key and snoops in everyone’s rooms, finding various clues and suspicious things: Bill’s journal detailing how Chantal is running the place into the ground and needs to be replaced, along with a few lodge magazines; Not-Lupe’s gloves with suspicious specks of things on them (Nancy takes a sample of it in a Kleenex or something); Lou’s heavy suitcase that has a case with imprints of bones in it; Ollie’s has maintenance books that also detail how to take things apart and maintenance notes that say he saw the wolf around but didn’t have his gun; Freddie’s only thing of interest is a little dinosaur pin on her dresser.

Nancy takes the opportunity to snoop in Chantal’s normal room and finds that the things that were listed in the documents in the front desk really were fixed; Ollie reported to Chantal that things that he fixed were un-fixed by the time he went back to them the next day — most of the time suffering damage as well, such as the sauna that injured the guests that are suing Chantal. Nancy calls her father with the news, and Carson says to save those documents so that he can come get them tomorrow, and to see if she can find any clues to who might have done it.

After dinner Nancy talks to Lou, who confesses that he and Freddie started dating a few days ago after meeting online last semester in a dinosaur enthusiast forum — hence his decision to come to the lodge, as Freddie said there were cool bones here. He was originally going to steal a few small ones and thought no one would notice if he replaced them with resin-cast replicas, but Freddie caught him and they had a fight which ended with Lou deciding not to steal, and Freddie saying that she could help him make replicas for him to take home and keep in his house.

Nancy asks why he’s telling her, and Lou says that Ollie seems to get along with Nancy well, and he’d like Nancy to calm Ollie down if Ollie discovers that he’s dating Freddie. Nancy asks Lou about the wolf, and Lou says that some of the stuff could be a wolf — he’s seen one around the lodge once or twice — but he hasn’t really been paying attention to anything except the bones and Freddie (who he’s looking forward to visiting once he can).

When talking with Bill, he offhandedly mentions that he used to be a handyman — the sink in his room started acting up, but he fixed it easily because he thinks that Ollie has enough to do without doing this easy fix. Bill says that this would never have happened when Chantal’s father was running the Lodge and accuses Chantal of preferring to spend long “business trips” in the city to actually paying attention to the Lodge — he says she should just live in the city and hire a manager with experience who actually cares. Nancy asks Bill about the wolf, and he says if anyone could be haunted by wolves, he’d believe it was Chantal.

Nancy, it should be noted, during her explorations around the lodge, sees a few pawprints and some chewed-on debris, but otherwise hasn’t seen the wolf in person. Just traces and tracks.

Not-Lupe and Ollie both dodge Nancy’s questions – Ollie’s busy as everything seems to be breaking at once, and snaps at Nancy that without Chantal around, he’s the only person keeping the lodge afloat, and he’d be better off without the stress of this job. When Nancy asks him about the wolf, Ollie says that the last thing they need is some idiot tourist being attacked by a wolf, and so he refuses to believe that there’s a wolf around the area.

Not-Lupe is at her normal place at the window (though there’s a chair there because no one stands all day), and when Nancy asks about the wolf, says that that’s why she’s there — she heard the rumor about the wolf and wanted to see it, but that her visit’s been very disappointing — just a junky lodge with incompetent staff and no wolves anywhere. Her hobby is visiting winter lodges, and this one just Isn’t up to snuff.

Nancy tries to pry deeper, but Not-Lupe shuts her down and goes to bed; Nancy investigates the living room as everyone leaves for bed and finds crinkled up under the couch a magazine cutout about the Premier Lodge Group, a company that owns winter lodges all over Canada and the United States, and their plans to build a group of lodges in Alberta as soon as a few “minor inconveniences” with location are solved.

The day ends with Carson calling; Nancy tells him about all the suspects (Carson confirms Lou’s story by having talked to Freddie), the magazine, Ollie wanting to quit, etc. Carson promises to do some research on Premier Lodge Group and tells Nancy to send him a picture of the stuff she found on Lupe’s gloves. Nancy does so, and that’s the end of Day 2.

Day 3 opens again with Carson’s phone call, informing Nancy that he’ll be there in the early evening — he’s having a contact of his look at the photo Nancy sent, but he’s pretty sure it won’t be good news.

Premier Lodge Group was investigated a few years ago for sabotage to their competitors but ultimately nothing came out of it, and Carson suspects that people were paid off to keep quiet about it. Carson says that he’s looked into Ollie (since Carson suspected him the most) and apparently Ollie always grouches about quitting when he’s stressed but has been there for 20 years and is as loyal as they come, so Nancy says she’ll focus on Not-Lupe and Bill — the two lodge-hoppers who seem dissatisfied with the lodge.

Both Not-Lupe and Bill are gone when Nancy gets downstairs, and Lou (who’s planning on leaving that night to go to Edmonton) says that they both got a sack lunch from the kitchen and left early in the morning to go explore outside. He tells Nancy she can borrow his snowshoes and says that they both headed out (independently) in the direction of Skookum Ridge.

When Nancy gets up to the Ridge, she spots the “wolf” — really a Siberian Husky, like Carson thought, who seems very well trained. When the dog comes up to Nancy, a gunshot ripples through the air and nearly hits the dog, who would have gone running off had Nancy not grabbed her collar and yelled not to shoot. Nancy sees Bill across the ridge and waves him over, explaining that it’s a dog, not a wolf. The dog (whose name is something way better than Isis — literally anything else would do) is suspicious of Bill at first, which convinces Nancy that it’s not Bill’s — the only suspect left is Not-Lupe.

When she tells Bill what she knows about Not-Lupe, Bill admits to having seen her before at a lodge that went out of business due to mysterious accidents, but thought it was a coincidence before digging deeper in the magazines he brought and finding Not-Lupe in the back of a small photo of Premier Lodge Administrative Staff — he was worried about keeping it safe and knowing that there would be no cleaning staff until at least the next day, crumpled it up and put it under the couch he normally sits by.

A happy, friendly dog in tow, Nancy and Bill head back to the lodge only to find Ollie and Lou standing outside looking worried. They tell Nancy that they both went outside because they heard a loud noise, only to find the door locked behind them — and every other door locked as well. After realizing that Not-Lupe wouldn’t open the doors for them, Ollie went to get an axe for the door, only to have a note appear on the door’s window that if they forced their way in, the whole Lodge would be burned to the ground in an instant.

Carson calls then, saying that he’s a few minutes away, but that his friend got back to him — Not-Lupe’s gloves were covered in residue from explosives. Bill takes Nancy’s phone and begins to fill Carson in on who they think Not-Lupe is working for and who she is. Nancy asks Lou and Ollie to hoist her up to her own window, which she keeps unlocked, and crawls in, creeping downstairs to the main room to try to find how Not-Lupe will burn the lodge and stop her.

Nancy confronts Not-Lupe, who confirms her identity as a saboteur for the Premier Lodge Group, saying that with the bad press around the lodge Chantal would have already had to sell — but she’s going to go one step further and cause an ‘incident’, blowing up the lodge with fuses hidden around its ground floor — Chantal’s father won’t spend the money to rebuild the lodge, and the only proof that is against her is the word of two American kids, an old man, and a lodge-hopper with a very incriminating diary that would be found soon enough. She tells Nancy that she can either try to catch her or try to save the lodge and runs out the back, intent on escaping as she pushes the button to arm the explosives.

Nancy yells out the window for them to catch Not-Lupe, who’s got to be headed out to the main road, tossing the cushion of the seat Lupe usually sat in so that her dog can catch her scent, then has the final timed puzzle be switching off each detonator (which would be in each of the places where the suspects usually were, with the exception of Ollie’s whose is in the front desk).

As soon as Nancy disarms them, Bill calls out to her that Carson just called — Lou and the dog tracked Lupe to the main road, and Bill called Carson to let him know. Carson’s car stops Not-Lupe (Carson brought a policeman on a hunch), and the day is saved. Premier Lodge is snagged in a major lawsuit by Chantal’s father and other lodge owners who have had the same thing happen to them, and Chantal hires Bill as co-manager to ensure there’s always someone there to manage the lodge and for his wealth of knowledge of what makes a good lodge and good experience for guests.

The game ends with Nancy writing her letter to Hannah (so that Hannah doesn’t worry about them), and with her dad’s praise for a job well done.

I realize that this is a monumental fix; it’s a brand-new game made out of the skeleton of the old one. I also realize that there are a million and one ways to re-write this game; this one takes the idea of sabotage, one of the most frequent inciting incidents in the Nancy Drew world, and just makes it a little bigger.

No terrorism required.

[serpenttailedangel]

Things I’m still salty about in the anime adaptation

The complete removal of basically every negative thought Naofumi had towards Raphtalia in the first few episodes. LN!Fumi justifies taking care of her as making sure she’s in good enough shape to earn back the money he spent on her, and even picked her out because he thought he could project Myne onto her and get more enjoyment from seeing her injured than he would the male slaves in his budget. Anime!Fumi just takes care of her like a nice person because he’s still a good guy. It makes the speech she gives after the duel feel a lot weaker, because LN!Fumi really was sliding into a dark place and someone saw good in him despite that, while anime!Fumi was just nice and then acted shocked that someone thought he was nice.

a myriad of changes to things that would logically alter other stuff, without that other stuff being altered. Like changing status magic from something that literally everyone can do to a hero exclusive ability while still having other people care about levels that they have no reason to be able to even measure. Or slowing down the speed that Raphtalia ages at so she’s physically a teen before the wave but retaining people hitting on her which, in the LN, she was an adult for.

The condensing of the fight between Naofumi and the three heroes over Melty to Motoyasu attacking a couple times. That was a fun fight.

The two episodes of flashback and filler in the pope fight. I get that it was a climax fight but it was also boring even before the padding and those two episodes could have been better spent on literally anything else. Giving the Cal Mira arc more room to breath. Even adapting all the bonus chapters. Straight up the bonus chapter with all the guys in the hot spring berating Naofumi for not noticing that Raphtalia likes him would have been a better use of run time, and that’s basically filler even in the LNs.

Speaking of, they adapted the first hot spring chapter. It’s cute and slice of life-y, and I guess it gave them more fanservices and helps build up Filo and Raphtalia’s relationship which didn’t show great conflict prior to that chapter, but I would have rather they did Motoyasu or Itsuki’s bonus chapters. They give you a much better perspective on how those two tick and set up some character relations that are important later on. But given how much else they shorted the other heroes on, I guess it doesn’t matter that you don’t get to understand them as well in all those scenes that no longer exist, does it? (Raphtalia’s backstory was an appropriate inclusion tho)

The other three heroes never get to mention that they think they have protagonist immortality and all their losses were scripted events for battles they couldn’t win. Aside from it going a long way towards reinforcing their “world is a game” mentality and explaining some of their idiocy, the entire argument around that was such comedy gold.

So many things in the Cal Mira arc. The alcohol fruit could be better explained. Itsuki’s party dynamic is basically skipped over. Every single joke about how Ren can’t swim (there were so many good ones!) gets replaced with one brief cut of him clinging to a boat and trembling when he had no problem being on a boat on the way to Cal Mira. Also, why did they include Melty? What was the point of including Melty?

Rishia’s moment of glory was stolen when her clinging to a barrel just gave someone else the idea to launch the liquor fruit at Naofumi and Glass. In the LN, Rishia was the one to recall Naofumi’s total alcohol immunity and propose the barrel launch. The meeting between heroes after where Istuki gets scolded for being useless and then told to praise his party member who was invaluable for her useful idea is also cut. Which is just as well, since they then cut the entire conflict that arose from him being salty about that exchange.

Motoyasu literally doesn’t get a single moment to shine in the series until the Rishia incident. In the LN and even manga you find out he has PTSD from his summoning that Rishia triggers, and he still toughs it out and comforts her when he’s the one to notice Itsuki bullied her to the point of making her suicidal. At least until someone else comes along who he can pass her on to. Him being the only one who can get the story out of her also demonstrates some actual use and social skill on his part.

(I’m actually curious how they’ll handle Rishia’s nakama-power moment now. In the LNs, she has a virtue to cite from each of the other three heroes that they do actually demonstrate in her presence, with Motoyasu’s being kindness. That kinda doesn’t fly if they cut all the moments where he’s a nice person. Bet that season 2 will shaft the other three heroes further by having Rishia only praise Naofumi’s team and then Itsuki without any actual merits of Itsuki’s or something.)

The whole Rishia thing has sooooo little impact in general. Naofumi confronting Itsuki, getting him to out himself as petty and jealous and overly concerned with appearances, trying to stop Rishia from drowning herself, and then giving her a speech about making Itsuki regret giving her up made her character joining the team feel like a much bigger affair. I guess that Naofumi recruiting her just because someone told him a few sentences about her being wrongfully accused and excommunicated makes him look more innately willing to help a person in need... except he’s supposed to be a character with trust issues, and you still get that sense in the original version when he tries to resolve things with her and Itsuki despite Rishia refusing to talk to him about her troubles.

I’m just upset about the Rishia story in general. All of it. It was all great and the anime reduced it to like three lines of summary.

The village. Just... why? Why did you stick content from volume ten at the end of a story that was 1/3 through volume 6? It’s not such a huge continuity break (except that it makes way more sense as a grand reward for the Spirit Tortoise than for one meesely wave, with a better build up to him wanting it after seeing Kizuna’s team) since all the plot relevant things that happen in building up the village can always wait until they’re supposed to anyway, but... just... I mean... As a “we might not get a season 2 and need something for closure” ending I get it, but why would you go with that ending when you have your fingers crossed for a season 2?

Edit: I remembered another one from the Cal Mira arc! All hero collaboration. They cut, like, most of the wave fight and then still gave Melty some unneeded scenes anyway, but some of what the other heroes did in that fight was cool. Like, the closest we get to the part where Motoyasu is riding monsters around in the water while stabbing them is that brief cut in the OP. And the short stretch where he and Naofumi are actually fighting together against L’Arc (since they’re the two that got forced overboard to fight in the  water in the first place and thus were the closest to him) and manage to coordinate a few tricks without having to bicker or even discuss plans is gone.

Also Motoyasu not wanting to get in the water even to alleviate Myne’s debts only for Naofumi to chuck him overboard was a good moment that everyone would have loved.

[myfandomrambles]

Dhawan!Master Character Analysis

A look at Confused motivations, externalized anger, performance, self-destruction, boredom, and trauma

Confused Motivations:

Something I find interesting is that The Master’s motivations are not understood by himself. He professes it’s because he is angry that The Doctor is a key part of who he is and the “specialness” being The Timeless child gives her, but this is no way the whole story.

A more complete read of the motivations:

A biological concrete aspect has been added to the vacillations of feeling less than and better than The Doctor causing anger. 

A compulsive need to control The Doctor and make them the same by putting them on the same “level”

Anger at being even more of a tool and creation of the Time Lords and loss of autonomy & control thereof. 

Anger that they hurt The Doctor 

Boredom, apathy, impulse control deficits and general control issues informed by trauma. 

I doubt he is aware of all of these layers, and I believe The Doctor in the story and us as spectators will choose the one they believe is the “real” reason, but it was never just one. The Master flattens these motivations and explains it to The Doctor as almost all disdain for her, and blind rage, both actively in his emotions, and subconsciously to himself. 

We know The Master has been used by the Time Lords their whole life (longer if the child in the flashbacks is Baby!Master) and has their autonomy stripped to be used as a tool of the aristocracy. He is dealing with having the Time Lords who have taken his autonomy directly on a physical level via The Doctor’s DNA. Just like the drums and resurrection during The Time War, we have direct physical meddling by the high council. 

The Master has always felt that The Doctor and he are the same, that she is better than him, and that he is better than her in turn. This vacillating perception of her and their dynamic with each other is something we can see tracing through their relationship. This comes into play where they are used as foils and mirrors to each other. The Doctor Pointing this function of being the same while opposed to each other:

Twelve: “He's the only person that I've ever met who's even remotely like me.”

Bill: “So more than anything you want her to be good?

An interesting way we can see this change how they refer to each other sometimes using the present tense and past tense of the word friend. 

Ten: “A friend, At first” [Ten spends most of the time focused on them being ‘the last’ over a real relationship, but offer a hand]

Thirteen: “The Master was one of my oldest friends. We went very different ways.” [Thirteen is intensely emotional about the master, more so then we have seen her at almost any other point, but shows mostly anger and exhaustion]

Twelve: “Of course she's not dead. She's a friend of mine. I may have fiddled with your wiring a little bit.” [Both Missy and Twelve focus heavily on their friendship and fall heavily on their intimate history]

The Master also changes the description of their relationship 

Missy:“friendship older than your civilization, and infinitely more complex.”

Dhawan!Master: “I'm her best enemy.”

We see how the Fifth Doctor has an almost apathy to The Master, Seven takes the time to give him a proper burial, Ten and Twelve both seek out their respective Masters dreading the loss. The Master also does this being open about wanting attention, playing lower stakes dreams, being truly murderous, and abjectly cruel. The Master's self-perception shits as well; playing god on Gallifrey, making a personal army, putting her on a pedestal, dragging her down, and a suicidal streak. I think this helps illustrate the behaviour throughout the whole season. 

The Doctor and The Master compulsively try and get the other’s attention. The obsession is something pointed out by multiple other characters namely; The Brig, Jo Grant, and The Rani. We can see this in him taking the time to play at being O and in how even when he yells about wanting her dead he also always knows she will live why else would he leave a note for her that would show when she got to Gallifrey. The Master will get none of the sought after catharsis and compulsion to involve The Doctor if she actually died. In their Eiffel Tower confrontation;

Doctor: “When does all this stop for you? The games, the betrayals, the killing?”

Master: “Why would it stop? I mean, how else would I get your attention”

 His involvement this whole season is only about The Doctor, even the side operations of working with the baddie on earth, committing genocide and paling with the CyberMen are all about The Doctor and his need to exert control over both of their lives. 

The Master is angry that The Doctor was hurt. The Master has always had a kind of “Only I can hurt The Doctor” mentality. And considering he knows how it feels to be used and manipulated, I don’t think he wants The Doctor to suffer in that manner by the Time Lords. I don’t think it’s contradictory to want to hurt everyone else and also be angry The Doctor was hurt. Because of the obsessive thoughts around The Doctor, it would alter the thought patterns, The Master is not working based on logic. 

A real empathetic connection to The Doctor is present in the way someone who is in a toxic relationship will have. This goes both ways we can see this in the way they have all of these periods of differing extreme emotions, especially if you look at Simm->Missy->Dhawan. There is love there when they had a healthier relationship back when they were friends/crushes, but over time it’s been compromised through each hurting each other (whatever you pick/know of canon this still holds true) becoming toxic for most incarnations. I also don’t think this hot empathy for The Doctor would contradict not even having a cold empathy for the innocents slaughtered on Gallifrey (The at least 2.4 7 billion kids did nothing wrong) 

In general, I believe after going fishing in the matrix either on a whim or not the act of burning Gallifrey was likely an impulsive act. But after this, I think planning came into it, along with building the blocks for performance. He can formulate an elaborate game to play with The Doctor, The Matrix, live on earth, and The Cybermen to stave off boredom and attempt to integrate trauma and it will fulfil his rumination on The Doctor and the high council. I’ll talk more about trauma and boredom later. 

Externalized & Cyclical Anger:

When you are angry there are generally two ways people display these emotions: they put their pain into their own body and mind or put it on everyone else. Anger is healthy and The Master has every right to be angry at the high Gallifreyans who have treated him and his best friend like garbage from the very start. 

Dhawan!Master is a perfect example of someone taking their own pain and putting on everyone else. He is angry at so many things, some justified, some not but is dealing with this through externalization. He displays self-destructive anger but goes about the self-harm/suicidality by causing as much damage outwards as possible. A common Master trait, but very prevalent here, taking his own hurt and making others feel it, a stated goal more than once. 

He took this anger at a set number of people onto the entirety of the Gallifreyan people and stepped up the “flirting” and games he plays with The Doctor to one of the most painful versions they have. We can see The Master and The Doctor’s relationships take many different forms of the years but it has always been grounded in the need for the other's attention and anger from The Master at being left. With these added sources of anger they toss at each other it makes sense that we get different versions of tipping point moments when one of them “wins”. 

Another key here is that The Master shows a long history of serious anger rage that comes out in extreme ways. He suffers outbursts regularly and it’s something that worsens over time but even The Masters who were more in control we still see how anger is an undercurrent. And while The Doctor has a similar undercurrent The Master has this pattern of explosive outbursts that have slowly become more character-defining. 

Part of the cyclical anger is also the fear under there. The Master is afraid of so much, of not being enough, of being left behind, of not being who they thought they were, of dying (historically he has gone to crazy length to live), of continuing to live how he is, of being the worst of him, of being controlled and of the Time Lords. The Master runs from the Time Lords, using them yes, but never staying there. 

The Timeless Child revelation might have acted as a trigger for larger displays of anger, however, I think it’s key to The Master that this anger was there way before now. And it has caused mass suffering before now, this sympathetic grief and anger The Master shows in Timeless Children is compelling but it’s best understood a part of a cycle of outbursts of those emotions severely worsened by this latest re-traumatization. 

Performance:

The Master, like The Doctor, is a huge fan of performance art. This is something that has always been there with costumes, voice changes, dancing, and using this for both just plain fun and as a real tool. On a strictly meta-level, Sacha Dhawan was living for every moment and being able to meet and even surpass Whittaker for screen presence. It was his story almost anytime he was on screen. 

Narratively putting on a show was key, as O he is literally playing a part for The Doctor, and even keeping in contact as this persona. When in the past he is theatrical in his introduction in the science expo, in his character reveal in Ascension of the Cybermen his dialogue starts is:

Master: “Wow! Oh! Ah! That's a good entrance, right? Be afraid, Doctor. Because everything is about to change... forever.”

He literally asks if they liked his entrance, they liked how he presented himself. Then follows this up with this big pronouncement. Begging for the people on screen and us to pay attention to him. Which is generally one of the only moments in this episode that people really remember from the latter 1/2 of the episode. 

The entirety of the interactions with The Doctor on Gallifrey has a semi-planned performative aspect like he has a bit of script in his head and is using the environment as a stage, monologuing for the vast majority of the time. He critiques the performance as much as the substance of the Lone Cyberman’s plan. The body language and mannerisms are also very large and have a dancing aspect to it, or come across as severe and are trying to get a rise out of The Doctor or Cyberium. 

Another aspect to the performance is how he has these set pieces, of bringing her in, then trapping her, playing with the Death Particle and more than anything is the CyberMasters. He introduces them with a big speech, does the march with them and uses them to make a point more than to actually build an army. It’s also important to think he had to make the costumes and had this macabre point of putting the Time Lords into the Cyber Armour. 

The performance is more than anything just begging for attention. The Master loves to blow stuff up, watch the smoke of buildings, and fight with The Doctor, but it’s clear that they tried really hard to impact The Doctor more than anyone else. It’s clawing to be enough for The Doctor, prove himself, to win. Another way this performance is as a mask covering the fact The Master is falling apart. It's the duality of The Master always loved putting on the show but there is desperation undergirding it. We can see how The Master can start to jump in his speech mannerisms become more desperate and this facade of control drips to the anger and fear consuming him. 

By putting on a show, he is in control. He fears to be out of control, and the loss of identity both the Time War and the Timeless Children gave him. Controlling how he acts, how others view him and setting out a roadmap. Control through hurting others, hurting himself, through acting and of course just basic controlling others. 

Self-Destruction:

The Master is highly self-destructive here, something that is connected to a form of “anger in” and the aspects of control we talked about before. When the death particle fails to go off the first time he seems somewhat disappointed it didn’t just end right then:

Dhawan!Master: “Worried, were you? I thought if he was compressed, the Death Particle would activate and all this would be over. I would've been okay with that. I thought it was a nice little gamble. But no, here we are, all still alive.”

He is gambling with his life, I believe this to him would be a second-best ending to finishing the whole game and be face-to-face with The Doctor. More than anything though, it seems he wants to be able to end everything with The Doctor there as well. In this case that is the ultimate control he is seeking, to end the fear, grief, bitterness and pain. Suicidal thoughts don’t quite care if you complete your plan. 

The ultimate version of this plan puts The Doctor in the position of if she wants to save the world she must also join The Master in an act of extreme destruction. The interesting thing is it fails to put The Doctor on his level because instead of an act of anger, control and wanting harm this one is to prevent more death. If she had been able to do it it would have succeeded in making her die as a hero which is the opposite of the stated goal. The Doctor has taken cruel and pointlessly destructive steps before but this wouldn’t have been one of them. The Doctor has also been suicidal before this point, those moments would have been a lot closer to them being the same then this actions as well. 

Outside of the moral quandary, this is actually not that different from a murder-suicide in real life on a psychological level. Murder-suicide is also incidentally a highly male crime, which adds to an interesting pattern of invoking male violence. The Master wants to end his life but if this was the only goal he could have done it a million and one ways and send a note to The Doctor if he just wished her to know. But, like in real life part of it is wanting to control the other person too, he wants to control The Doctor and himself. The Master here has had his self-belief shattered, is depressed himself and feels The Doctor has become something less manageable with all this new information along with Thirteen being one of the least interested in The Master's games. This is interesting as I said before Dhawan!Master is the king of externalizing violence so even when his self-loathing drives him to suicidal urges the need to have The Doctor die with him and end anything that could possibly live on Gallifrey takes precedent. 

I think this is key because, for all the talk for pointing out that he is really suicidal, the murder-suicide aspect is really key to any honest reading of the situation. Because if the death particle plan had worked he would have just committed murder-suicide, even with The Doctor pulling the triggering. This act would have come after a psychological battering via The Matrix (which even if he has a real want for her to know it was done cruelly), threats to her friends, threats of mass violence, giving her the weapon it’s hard to say he wasn’t culpable in the death particle’s usage. Even the first plan would have killed her too. 

He is insistent that he broke her, she has nothing left, her world view is broken he finally brought her down. He needs The Doctor to be in the same headspace as he abjectly lost and searching for something worth living for. To feel understood and to be in control. Personally, I don’t think she has just accepted that none of this hurts and she is great because he gave her “gift of myself” and proved she “contain multitudes”, it feels more like her not wanting to give in to his control, to convince herself, but in the end, it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t win this time, and worse he dies without her. And interestingly she ends up taking the cowards route by making someone else fight her battle, this had nothing to do with ending the Cyber War it was ending a toxic relationship, a demolished culture and a Time War. 

Boredom:

Something I think I've not seen talked about a lot is that if The Master is displaying a show of chronic boredom this is something associated with a lot of people who are violent towards others and themselves. I think we can see this in his agitation, body language, speech patterns and just the sheer amount of what he accomplished during The Timeless Children. This is less visible in him being O as we don’t really know how much he was messing around or doing while in character, but the moment he stops the endless need to do something, anything shows up. 

If you think about it not everything he did is strictly necessary for the goals of destroying Gallifrey and then commit murder-suicide with The Doctor. But along with the need for a show, there is always something to do. And when each aspect of the plan finishes there is some joking and revealing but it also feels like “whoop that's done I'm bored again”. 

He’s compulsively doing something, anything, but as he mentions this isn't actually fully fixing anything. It’s something that really lends itself to both the outward and inward destruction. When nothing will ever calm the anger, nothing will help you regulate, no amount of stimulus can keep your attention, it leads to reckless and damaging behaviour. 

However, the game with The Doctor has to end, because this is the long game and now that we’re here she has to finish it too. The Doctor also has chronic boredom and he knows this, and that The Doctor has as little self-preservation as him. It tracks that when he makes the finale move he would assume The Doctor would be willing to act out too. 

Trauma:

I think it’s very clear this Master is dealing with trauma and we see a lot of signs, many of which I talked about but here is a list:

Agitation

Anger & rage

Chronic Boredom

Compromised empathy 

Compulsive behaviour

Depression

Destructive behaviours & suicidal actions

Dysregulated emotions

Enmeshment with The Doctor 

Identity issues 

Lashing out

Locus of control issues (Blaming everyone else while also needing to own it)

A need for control

Oscillating self-estimation

Preoccupation with those who traumatized them (with the timelords & The Doctor)

Reenacting trauma 

Ruminating thoughts

Sensory integration issues (stimming, could be linked to other conditions)

Trying to put on a show, (A trait associated with trauma linked PDS)

Thoughts of violence

Dysregulation of Emotions and Nervous System: The erratic emotions displayed by The Master overlaid with behaviours that some have identified as looking like stimming point to dysregulation. His feelings and affect jump around and are always at high levels. A point of interest, however, is that From Spyfall to Timeless Children the issue seems to worsen as the ability to put up a facade is gone. Now we know that it wasn’t really that long of a period where he was actively keeping it as we only saw him as O for a short time. But it tracks that after being exiled on earth and then into the Kassavian dimension his dysregulation would worsen. 

Preoccupation With Those who Traumatized Him: It’s so heavy in this story and even throughout the whole story The Master is locked on those who have hurt him, and the trauma thereof. The Master is used as a tool here the same way people manipulate The Doctor via their god and guilt complexes. The entire story is the Master having gone back to Gallifrey to try and enter the Matrix and then spend the whole time destroying Gallifrey and even then he can’t leave. New Who Masters specifically have their whole stories centred around the trauma Gallifrey did to them and their connection with The Doctor was changed by that event. And Dhawan!Master takes no action in this series that doesn’t involve this, even the plan with Kassavian is centred on getting the Doctor’s attention and setting up sending her to Galifrey. 

Replaying Trauma: This is a commonality between the master and The Doctor. They have been reliving the Time War, the same patterns of loss of their friends, being unable to turn off the training to be a soldier. The Doctor is often taking the same actions she did before, sometimes outside of her control, all of which were made during a trauma state or resulted in traumatic experiences. 

The Master replays the behaviours he learned during trauma as The Doctor does, but is a lot more likely to not only replay acts that they did that traumatized others, which The Doctor does too but also can replay what those who traumatized them did. 

The speeches we get from the master in Timeless Children is slightly off version of Rassilon's speech at The End of Time pt 1. 

Master: “Yes, it could! Behold your new CyberMasters, Doctor. All born from you, but led by me. How does that feel? Huh? Now, no time to lose. Don't move. Oh, that's right, you can't. Can you feel a new era dawning, Doctor? For Gallifrey.”

Cybermen: “For Gallifrey!”

Master: “For the Time Lords.”

Cybermen: “For the Time Lords!”

Master: “For the end of the universe itself!”

Cybermen: “For the end of the universe itself!”

Master: “Sweet dreams. This way, soldiers.”

Time Lords: “For Gallifrey!”

Rassilon: “For victory!”

Time Lords: “For victory!”

Rassilon: “For the end of time itself!”

Time Lords: “For the end of time itself!” 

The Master who destroyed Galifrey in the name of something Tecteun, and by extension the other founding fathers of Galifrey, is playing the same game Rassilon did and views himself as a god of Time Lords the same way Rasilon did. We also know The Master isn’t directly quoting them because he was not present when Rasilon made that speech, so this dialogue shows how he is in patterns of trauma. It also is important character and theme-wise because it plays on the ideas of autonomy and how the Master has essentially made himself the destruction and death god to Gaalifry in the way The Doctor was essential in its creation. While he is goading The Doctor to be both creator and destroyer. The Master and The Doctor are in fact these forces, even though I believe the Timeless Child is a victim of abuse and exploitation, but, it’s entirely true that The Doctor and The Master are playing at being gods. Something they have done on other planets before. 

This is also part of replaying trauma in the fact he has taken bodily autonomy and specifically regeneration from Time Lords to use as his own weapons. The CyberMasters are exactly what the worst version of Timeless Children are, complete manipulated weapons with no free will. 

Conclusion:

The story of Dhawan!Master is one that turned hard into both the idea of The Master being in pain themselves but also showing some of the worst cruelty the master has ever done in both their extreme assault of The Doctor and genocide. 

[bonesgadh]

Each finalist’s pros, cons and key to winning the crown according to yours trully:

Jaida Essence Hall

Pros:

Talent

Jaida is an amazing performer, she dances, she sells her act, she is a very good designer and seamstress, she is polished, funny and overall a very complete queen. Most pageant queens who have been on the show are one-note queens, which is not Jaida’s case. Her looks are always on fucking point and she is simply gorgeous. There’s nothing else I can say about Jaida that hasn’t been said already.

Record

Only Gigi had a better track record than Jaida. She won three challenges and although she was in the bottom two once, she was always a good and strong contender.

Consistency

Gigi had a strong start but fell flat and Crystal woke up during the second half of the season, but Jaida was always a good queen (except for the second-to-last challenge). She didn’t really get a chance to put herself in the frontrunner position during the first half of the season because Gigi was dominating the competition, but she was patient and it paid off. It’s true that she failed at the one-woman show, but she quickly recovered and she proved it had been nothing but a slip. Ru likes stability, which can help Jaida’s chances.

Public image

Jaida is a very popular queen amongst her fellow queens and fans. She is charismatic, she has a likeable persona, she is an activist, she stands for diferent causes, and an altruistic queen is always a very good choice for a winner.

Cons:

Uniqueness

Although Jaida is a very talented queen her main style is something we have seen before, and one of the things Ru looks after in her winners is uniqueness, so that could play against her. 

Relatively slow start

Jaida won episode two, and after that she kind of fell into the background. Sh*rry P*e and Gigi won the next five challenges and Gigi’s domain of the competition didn’t allow for anybody else to shine, including Jaida. Her presence didn’t feel that much until after episode 8, when she started to win again.

Age

Ru is known for choosing young queens as winners. Raja and Bianca are the only queens above 30 to have won the competition, and that was because they were something else. Jaida is 32, which statistically speaking can affect her.

Snatch game performance

With the exception of Bebe (there was no Snatch Game in S1), Tyra (who had inmunity), Yvie (who was in the bottom two) and Violet (who was safe), every other winner has placed either high (Raja, Sharon, Bianca and Sasha) or has won the Snatch Game (Jinkx, Bob and Aquaria). Jaida’s impersonation wasn’t bad but it wasn’t memorable either.

Gigi Goode (honestly I don’t think Gigi stands a chance after her fuck up from yesterday. Not a single one. Even if her performance is flawless there’s no way Ru will crown her)

Pros:

Strong start

From the moment she entered the werk room you could see there was something special with her and with three main challenge wins by episode 8 she was the obvious frontrunner. At that point, you didn’t imagine any other queen taking the crown away from her. 

Versatility

Gigi is a very versatile queen, which is not very common. She is a skilled seamstress, she serves looks, she sings, she acts, she dances and she is an amazing performer. Her win in the Snatch Game proved she is quick-thinking and can be goofy, her win in the Ball challenge showed she is creative and skilled and she also did very well during the improv/acting challenges (World’s Worst and Gay’s Anatomy), which proves she is not a one-trick dog.

Challenges won

She won the Snatch Game which usually serves as the turning point of the season; it can either propel you to a frontrunner position or send you straight to the bottom. Like I mentioned above with Jaida, winners historically do good at the SG. She also won the Ball, another challenge winners have won (Bebe, Tyra, Sharon, Violet and Aquaria all won the Ball and, if you ask me, Bianca should have won it too).

On the other hand, no winner has ever won the Rusical/Lip sync extravaganza.

Performance skills

Although she didn’t have to lip-sync for her life she could benefit from the lip-sync for the crown format because she won two Rusicals and came very close to winning a third one, which proves she knows how to sell an act. Also she has already performed at the Werq The World Tour so she has an advantage when it comes to lip-syncing from her home.

Track record

Gigi has one of the finest records in Drag Race herstory. She won four challenges, a remarkable feature since she is only the third queen to achieve it (after Sharon Needles and Shea Couleé). However, contrary to Sharon and Shea, Gigi never placed in the bottom two—and Shea shared two of her wins with Sasha—. Tyra, Bianca, Violet, Sasha and Aquaria won their season without having to lip sync for their lives.

She rises up to the challenge

Gigi admitted she was not a particularly good dancer and struggled whenever she had to perform in a dancing challenge, but she delivered and excelled at them. Also during the Madonna Rusical she wanted to be cone bra Madonna but she gave up the part and still won the motherfucking challenge. I hate it when queens who don’t get their way just complain and throw tantrums and come up with excuses to justify why they did bad in the challenge, but she simply trusted herself and did and excellent job. 

Age

When picking the season’s winner, Ru leans towards younger queens. Except for Raja (36) and Bianca (38) every single winner won their season when they were less than 30 years old, and Tyra (21), Jinkx (25), Violet (21), Aquaria (21) and Yvie (25) were 25 or younger. Gigi is 22, which gives her a slight advantage against Crystal (29) and Jaida (32).

Cons:

That tweet and the controversy that came with it

For those of you who didn’t hear, yesterday relatively early in the morning Gigi tweeted about her excitement for the season 12 finale and she literally used the words: “I can’t breathe”, which was a horrible thing given the murder of George Floyd. 

Now here’s the thing: Gigi did what she did because she clearly had no idea of what had happened, which is worse than the tweet itself if you ask me. But then she comes with a long-ass statement to adress the issue and she only digged herself into a deeper hole. As a mexican woman I have experienced racism and I hate it when people just look the other way because they are acting from their own privilege, the privilege of knowing that the decision made by those in power won’t affect them, but the rest of us can’t afford to shut everything out or to blame it on our anxiety. 

Political issues were a big thing this season and the truth is you can’t aspire to become America’s Next Drag Superstar, a title that demands you to be politically and socially aware, and come up with excuses like: “oh, I don’t get into politics because I find them awful.” Gurl, when Aquaria came to Mexico a day after being crowned and I was lucky enough to see her, she adressed the presidential election that was happening the next day and threw shade at her own country. She had no reason to know there was going to be an election but she encouraged us all to vote because we needed our voice to be heard. She was the same age Gigi is today and she was never in the need to use the anxiety card to justify her political ignorance, and although she has also screwed up many times before she has tried to educate herself because she is aware of her privilege, and I respect her for that.

I’m very sorry for Gigi, I’m pretty sure she ruined her chances of winning which is a shame because I don’t think she is either a racist or the devil with human form, she made a terrible mistake and I hope she learns from this and bounces back. She owes it to her fans and to herself to do better next time.

Lost momentum

By episode 8 she had won three challenges but things went south for her after that, which allowed other queens to rise (especially Crystal and Jaida). She went from a 10 to a 6.5 in three episodes and it was painful to watch, and although she bounced back to win the final challenge the truth is she lost a ton of momentum, which can really hurt you during a competition as tough as Drag Race. You can’t allow yourself to lower your guard.

Uniqueness

Just like Jaida she is not a particularly unique queen, and one of the things Ru looks after in her winners is uniqueness. Although she is very versatile, her main style is something we have seen before. Personally she reminds me of Aquaria, although if you ask me—and here’s where a probably unpopular opinion quicks in—Gigi has a wider range than her. There are also traces of Raja and Violet, so that could play against her.

Self-sabotage

Gigi showed she can laugh at herself and be goofy, and given her good performances at the improv challenges and the snatch game I was surprised to see her fail the way she did at the commercial and debate challenges. Her performance at the one-woman show was “fine” and her make over challenge was mediocre, which is kind of unforgivable for a look queen because you expect them to excel. Sometimes it seemed as if she was trying too hard, but my guess is after performing so well she thought Ru and the judges wanted more, and her fear of failing is what brought her to fail. She chose to put her silly side aside, completely forgetting Ru likes it when queens just let go and have a good time.

Crystal Methyd: She needs to bring her A+ game to the lip syncs. If she manages to channelize her charm and uniqueness into friday’s performance then watch out, because it won’t matter if she is not as polished as Gigi and Jaida. Ru will choose a queen with a heart over a pretty face, as long as said queen gives her all.

Pros:

Uniqueness

Although her style is similar to other queens, she injects her performances with her own sense of humor and fashion. It is always amazing when a “different” queen does good in the competition and it makes you root for her.

Attitude

Crystal is one of the most kindhearted queens to have ever been on the show. She is likable and has a heart the size of the world and she won over all of us. If there’s one thing I like about Crystal is she enjoys what she is doing and she is obviously having so. much. fun. It is not common for queens to have this approach to the competition.

Growth

No queen grew during the season as much as Crystal did. Period. The glow up she had was just impressive and extremely pleasing to look at and it makes you feel proud of her. She listened to the judge’s critiques without altering what made her unique and Ru likes that. No choice but to stan.

Storyline

I don’t really like it when fans talk about queens getting the “villain edit” or the “winner edit”, what I do think is queens have a storyline because Drag Race is a tv show after all, so you have to be able to see the queens’ journey from start to finish. Having said that, out of the three finalists Crystal has the best storyline. She is the underdog, the queen you thought was going to leave first, and she fought her way to the top against all odds. 

Age

Just like I said with Gigi, when picking the season’s winner Ru leans towards younger queens. Crystal is 29, and although she is older than Gigi she is the same age Bebe, Sharon, Bob and Sasha were when they won (okay Bebe was 28 but in order for this to work I’m gonna say they were all the same age).

Cons:

Talent

Like Ru said, charisma and uniqueness can only take you so far. Obviously Crystal is a talented queen (she wouldn’t have reached the top if she weren’t), but objectively speaking I think Jaida and Gigi are on a different level than her. She grew a lot, yes, but with her there’s still room for improvement while both Jaida and Gigi are already excellent. I see her more as the lovely runner-up than as America’s Next Drag Superstar.

Record

In terms of record Crystal is the weakest out of the three queens. She came close to being in the bottom a couple of times, she had to lip sync for her life once and it took her a while to warm up, but once she did she stayed in the top. However, her weak start could play against her.

Odd queen

I doubt Ru will have odd queens winning back-to-back seasons, especially since I think Yvie was a better queen than Crystal.

Snatch Game performance

Tyra and Yvie are the only queens who went on to win their season despite performing poorly at the Snatch Game, and although Crystal didn’t have to lip sync for her life she was in the bottom three.