#they just own me more melee girls is the thing

[chooseruin]

The thing making me Feral about Judith Deuteros today is like. Her absolutely unfortunate attempt to declare martial law at Canaan House was the only thing she had to contribute. She is the ranking Cohort officer in this situation (she thinks) and like that's IT. In practical terms she's the weakest player there and she knows this; never mind the illest anime ill girl in the whole Seventh House and the three simultaneous greatest necromancers of their generation and Abigail Pent (at whom she is in any case strenuously not looking), Isaac could punt her through a wall. Silas is good enough at his terrible job that an actual Lyctor had to punch him out and then orchestrate that situation with the keys just to make ABSOLUTELY certain no one would ever listen to him. Judith is a competent melee support necromancer when in an actual melee. Judith can hold her own against Camilla Hect at ceiling chess even with a high fever, but Camilla and Palamedes and Ianthe are also there. Judith's cavalier is the glory of the Second House and their ability to work together is like... it's fine. It's professional. It's good. This is what peak performance looks like. It's fine. They're fine. Everything's fine. The hardware on her uniform is the only thing that's supposed to matter that she has and no one else does, that's ALL she has that she can imagine leveraging to get them out of here, and the way that works when your dad is the Fleet Admiral is that they give you everything you ask for and then you spend the rest of your life scrambling to earn it and she's not even very good at that. She has the charisma of drywall (affectionate/despairing) and all she can do to assert authority is fall back on the Cohort playbook and holy fuckballs did no one else in this bar actually care about that even BEFORE people started dying and all she does is completely discredit the actually pretty reasonable option of pulling together and trying to get out of this. And then Camilla Hect happens in front of everyone. And then the situation is REALLY losing cabin pressure and it's glorious last stand o'clock and her glorious last stand turns ugly and squalid and doesn't even help and she doesn't even get to die for it. She's the perfect product of ten thousand years of God needing cultural infrastructure for his genocide run against the rest of the universe, and she doesn't even get to Charge of the Light Brigade her way out. She doesn't get to die senselessly and prove to everyone that the rules don't matter anymore, because no one else ever really believed they did. She's so goddamn doomed by the narrative that it won't even let her die. Corona won't let her die. Blood of Eden won't let her die. MERCYMORN THE FIRST takes time out of a very packed schedule specifically to not let her die, not even long enough to come back wrong, how much more wrong could she get. She's the last kid left in Hamelin and she's opposite day Jackie Yellowjackets and she's a minor war poet and a virgin who can't drive and a wholeass Indelicates song and the most exhausted twenty-two-year-old in the universe and THAT'S ALL BEFORE NT9. Who is being happened to like her.

[life-love-musicaltheatre]

This started more as a self indulgent joke I made in the tags of @unclewaynemunson’s post that I ended up running away with.

I just really like baseball and I think Eddie would agree with me that Steve with a nail bat could convince me to do anything.

⚾️🦇⚾️🦇⚾️🦇⚾️🦇

If you were to tell Eddie Munson that within 3 months he would watch a girl die, become wanted for murder of said sweet sweet girl, steal an RV, almost die himself in a hell dimension, get carried out of said hell dimension by his high school crush, and then have his name mysteriously cleared of all charges and /those/ events led to him playing a sport for the first time in his life, he would ask who sold you the drugs you were on because it definitely wasn’t him. But somehow, there he was, in the middle of a small clearing with Steve Harrington’s chest pressing gently against his back, hands over his own while they swung a bat through the air. Eddie and Steve were both sweaty and the repetition of the motion was actually nice. Eddie felt Steve slip from behind him and he caught himself from sighing at the loss of contact. 

“Alright, think you’re ready to take a swing at a moving target?”

Eddie eased into the stance they’d been practicing and closed his eyes while he drew a steadying breath. 

“Throw it.”

In truth this chapter of Eddie’s life had started a week ago when Steve asked him to grab Dustin’s backpack from his trunk. 

“What the fuck, Harrington!”

Steve jogged over as Eddie gestured to the contents of his car. “Oh! Yeah, that’s my bat.”

Steve said it like it was the most casual thing in the world to own a baseball bat with FUCKING NAILS sticking out of it! Eddie blinked and gestured again, more forcefully since it seemed to him Steve missed the whole point of What The Fuck Harrington-ing him. Steve rolled his eyes and chuckled as if Eddie was putting on just for Steve’s amusement. (Which to be honest, he was, but only a little bit.) 

“It’s /the/ bat, Munson. Y’know, the one I took on those dog things with.” He said it with an almost shy smile like he was embarrassed to be bragging about himself. 

Eddie blinked at him. Yeah, that was something Dustin had filled him in on, but he’s only heard it in snippets till then, and at no point did anyone mention the nails. 

“You still drag that around in your car?” Dustin added as he grabbed his backpack from Eddie’s loosening grip.He’d thought it before, but it never ceased to absolutely floor Eddie how casually his new friends talked about near apocalyptic experiences. He shook himself a little as a hard reset before taking a deep breath and reminding himself he did in fact care about these weirdos, who were now bickering over the merits of being able to swing a bat. 

“I taught Nancy how to swing it, and then I kicked that demogorgon’s ass at the Byers’! You cannot disparage the bat Henderson.”

“Oh you taught Nancy? That explains why she’s crap with melee weapons and sticks to her guns. Literally! She could blow your bat out of the water with her aim!”

Steve put his hands on his hips and leveled Dustin with a glare. “S’not my fault she found something she was better at. Plus, I bet I could teach any one of you how to swing. I was in charge of batting practice Sophomore and Junior year.”

“Then teach me.”

Both boys turned and looked at Eddie like they just remembered he was there. Eddie was even a little surprised he’d spoken up, but he was never one to back down from a challenge and with a chance to be close to Steve on the line there was no limit to the type of fool he’d make of himself. 

“You sure about that?” Steve asked cautiously. 

Eddie shrugged. “If it gets you two to stop giving me a headache then I’ll even let you teach me what order to run the little baggies in, Steve-o.”

Steve looked at him hard for a beat before breaking out into a huge grin. “Alright. You asked for it man.” 

With that Steve slammed the trunk and the three of them went inside. Eddie should have felt nervous, but with the way Steve’s face lit up he was honestly just trying not to swoon. He looked so excited and Eddie would do anything to see Steve’s face light up like that again. So they made plans, next afternoon Steve had off work he was going to teach Eddie how to swing his nail bat. 

—

The day came fast and Steve had given him specific instructions to wear pants and shoes he could run in. They met at Steve’s house and walked out into the woods; Steve carrying a navy blue bag that Eddie was sure was hiding the nail bat from prying eyes. There was a giddiness in the air between the boys as they made their way to a small clearing deep in the trees. 

“Alright,” Steve clapped his hands together as he rounded on Eddie, “time for batting practice, Munson.”

He unzipped the bag and dropped it before pulling out two normal bats and a baseball. 

For a split second Eddie was confused at the lack of nails and a grin on Steve’s face that could only be described as shit eating. It took him a half second longer to realize he’d been tricked by Steve Harrington into playing real, actual baseball for an entire afternoon. 

Eddie’s silence stretched on a beat more and Steve’s smile faltered. 

“I was-“

“Let’s hit balls.”

Steve’s worried look morphed into a smile as he hid a snort behind his hand. “I think you’re looking for ‘Let’s play ball.’”

Eddie rolled his eyes and huffed, “Whatever you say, oh Royal Knight of the field,” bowing low before taking the bat Steve was holding out to him. 

“Ok, I know you’re just trying to make fun of me, but actually the Kansas City Royals won the World Series last year so that’s actually a compliment.”It was Eddie’s turn to hide a laugh as Steve idly twirled his bat in his hands—a move Eddie was sure if he tried to replicate would end up with him smacking himself in the head—as he looked Eddie up and down. 

“Alright now, I want to see what we’re working with.” Eddie started feeling fidgety under Steve’s gaze. “Give me a swing.”

“Ok man, you asked for it.”

Eddie planted his feet wide and leaned over at the hips before swinging fast, almost losing his grip on the back swing. He looked up (when had he started looking down?) at Steve to see him with his brow furrowed, biting his bottom lip. Eddie winced and shrugged. “Like I said...”

“No. I mean it’s not great, by any means, but,” Steve’s brow softened, “it’s not the worst I’ve seen. And you didn’t almost hit me so you’ve got that over Nance.”

Eddie felt something in his chest brighten involuntarily. He smirked at Steve, “So you’re saying I have a shot at making the team, Harrington?”

Steve laughed and Eddie felt like his chest was visibly glowing. “You already made the cut, Eds. We just gotta whip you into playing shape now.”

And as light as Eddie felt, making Steve smile and sharing something he obviously loved so much, so began one of the sweatiest afternoons of Eddie’s life.

They started with his grip, which according to Steve wasn’t too horrible actually, but needed to be more relaxed so it didn’t affect his overall swing. Steve used his own bat to tap at Eddie, moving his feet closer together so they were shoulder width apart, raising his hands up higher and lengthening out his neck so he was actually looking up and not at his feet. All the while he gave instructions about how Eddie should position his weight over his back foot and step into the swing, lead with his hips, and don’t try to end the swing till he finishes following the movement all the way through.

Steve made him do a few more, even doing a few swings of his own so Eddie could see what he meant, but it seemed like both of them were just becoming more frustrated, till Steve ran a hand through his hair and groaned.

“Fuck it.”

Steve dropped his bat and moved behind Eddie, dropping his hands firmly to his hips and pulling them back. Eddie let his bat fall slack, stuck between telling Steve off for not warning him first and melting into his grip. 

“You’re rotating too fast. You’re throwing your hips too much and you’ll get hit by the ball if you’re not careful.”

Eddie could feel Steve’s words like a cooling breeze on the back of his neck. He nodded, not trusting his voice with Steve pressed this close, right behind him.

“You have to let every part of your body flow through the swing.” Steve was pulling his hips, “Bat up Munson,” and Eddie let himself be dragged through the motion. 

Back, step forward, pull through. Again. Back, step forward, pull through. All the while Steve was guiding his body through the motion, it felt hypnotic and fluid. Much better than how Eddie had been doing it before. 

“Good.” Steve moved his arms up and wrapped his hands over Eddie’s. “Keep the bat up higher. You want to let it fall back a little when you wind up.”

They moved through the swing together some more—back, step forward, pull through—and Eddie felt himself sink into the motion fully for the first time that day. It’d only been a couple hours they’d been practicing but his swings were getting surer. The bat was loose in his grip but he didn’t feel like it was going to go sailing into the trees like it almost had earlier. Eddie felt a tingle of something start to well up and spread through his limbs with every swing. Steve’s body was warm behind his. He was just starting to relax into the strong arms around him when Eddie felt Steve slip from behind him and he caught himself from sighing at the loss of contact. 

“Alright, think you’re ready to take a swing at a moving target?”

Steve had gone to stand in front of him, pulling the baseball out from his pocket. Eddie squared up. Weight over his back foot, knees and feet shoulder width apart, knuckles lined up and fingers loose around the bat handle. He closed his eyes, took a final breath to steady himself before looking up at Steve with a sure smile. 

“Throw it.”

Steve matched his smile before jogging back a few paces and taking a stance of his own. He tossed the ball underhanded towards Eddie and he wound up, stepping forward, and swinging sure through the pitch. He only caught the edge of the ball and it soared straight up into the air before coming back down and landing a foot behind where Eddie was standing. Steve’s laugh was bright as it cut through their clearing. 

“Nice! You tipped it!” Eddie was scowling at the ball but looked up as Steve continued. “Toss it back and I’ll throw you another one.”

Eddie wanted to stay pissy but it was hard when Steve was obviously having so much fun. He threw it back the same way Steve had tossed it to him and it rolled the last few feet to where he was standing. He laughed again.

“Maybe next time I’ll teach you how to throw.”

Eddie laughed back, “How about we master one feat of athleticism at a time?”

They were smiling at each other as they reset their positions. Steve nodded at Eddie before tossing the ball, only for him to tip it again, this time landing in front of him. Eddie tossed it back quickly before squaring up again. 

“Come on Steve! Give me a good throw!” He called out. He was long past denying that he was enjoying himself too.

Steve threw his head back, his mirth was palpable and it made Eddie’s face flush. “All right, you asked for it.”

Steve’s stance changed. It felt more serious, standing profiled as he hiked his leg up and let a real pitch go. 

Eddie still swung at it. Of course he swung at it. He felt his hips pull forward and lead his shoulders and hands through his swing, eyes wide as he saw the bat make full contact with the ball and send it flying over Steve’s head and out into the trees beyond. There was a millisecond where the world was quiet before they could faintly hear the ball hit the first few leaves as it went through the canopy and suddenly Eddie felt pride explode in his chest. Steve began cheering as Eddie took off, running where he imagined the bases to be, egged on by Steve’s laughter. 

“Eddie, dude! You’re running the wrong direction!” He doubled over as Eddie made a show of going around base numbers one and two. “Fuck it! Run home, Eddie! Run home!” 

Eddie rounded close enough to base three before turning and sprinting directly at Steve. He jumped at him the last few paces crashing into him with a giant hug, sending them down to the forest floor. Both of them were too happy to care, they continued holding on to each other as they celebrated. 

“Safe! Touchdown, Kansas City!” Eddie crowed from half on top of Steve. 

“I know, you know that’s not right.” Steve said as their laughing died down. Eddie looked down at Steve below him and felt a pull in his gut. Sweaty and still so beautiful, he let his eyes flicker down to Steve’s lips. 

“Is this part of the game too?” He asked quietly. 

“Nah,” Steve’s smile practically sparkled up at him, ��but I can still probably show you a thing or two.”

“You’re on.” Eddie grinned as he closed the gap between them and gave Steve a soft kiss. 

He felt Steve’s hands come up and gently thread through his hair, not to deepen but to hold. They lazily let their lips slide over each other’s, Eddie more than happy to stay in their little clearing for the rest of the day, till Steve broke the kiss with a giggle. 

“Y’know, again, I know you were joking but Kansas City’s also got a football team and-“

“You know what Steve? Let’s just stick with baseball for now.”

⚾️🦇⚾️🦇⚾️🦇⚾️🦇

Please let me know what you think. I personally think there needs to be more fics about Eddie getting into Steve’s hobbies too. I love the ones where Steve learns he’s amazing at DnD but please, we also need the reverse because there’s really something so homoerotic about the rituals we have for men to touch other men. 😂

I’ll probably refine this a little more and throw it up on my Ao3 in the morning, if you wanna read it there. In the mean time thank you so much for reading. Ok I love you buh-bye. 💕

*edit: since I finished this at like 3 am I didn’t really give it a thorough read through for spelling and grammar errors. Little bits have been edited. Hope this makes it read a little better! 

[taraljc]

popping in from the renaissance/medieval post from like 4 days ago. Sorry. Hi. That's the duck. That photo you posted. I spent many a far too early morning in that yard and that was before we painted it and so probably before my time there but only just, but i'd recognize the fence and the shop in the bg anywhere and now i'm sitting alone in my apt in mn smelling cinnamon almonds and listening to the court of common pleas from the other side of the building and oh so desperately missing randall t and his sideways grin as he mussed my flatcap and minding the step from inside where the fridges and nessie were and the duck itself was slowly sinking into the ground because it was still just a garage that someone dumped and left and standing with my cast mates looking as sad and pathetic as we could after lunch at our guildmaster (sue at the time, later my own mother,) hoping she'd let the three of us take on the revelers in a game of stool ball to defend st. lawrence's honor where someone would inevitably get injured. disapproving looks from t. stacy hicks if we hiked our skirts up high enough to run (this was, naturally, back when i was still deep in pretending to be a girl because y'know, *life*,) and then taking meatpies up to rick and chris in the serenghetti and spending some time with st. mike's concocting Plans what eventually ended in four ducklings with soot goatees and twirly mustaches engaging in impromptu land naval warfare. how dare you hit me with so much nostalgia it hurts in a post where i completely clicked on all the read mores half expecting the beige paperback we got at BAPA detailing all the things we needed to know to be decent period actors. i still have mine, y'know? currently it's packed in a box because i'm moving house next week, but i know exactly where it is and this... oh tara. i've never so much as skimmed your blog before to my knowledge and you have skewered me but good. please forgive the typos. it's 4:30am and i am deep in my feels all of a sudden.

My Emma and I worked at the duck from 1997 to about 2001 and I share your feels! I don't even think we were the guild of St Larry's yet I think we were just an offshoot of the Revellers back when Katie and Ralph ran it before they got divorced? and then we had TJ and the lovely man from court whose name I can't remember sort of as co-guild leaders but Karl was still doing the duck sort of separately?

for what it's worth, we are the ones who started bringing hard boiled eggs, pies from the Middle East Bakery, and started selling to everyone with a pass not just the Revellers Guild and not just the actors but the shoppies and the grounds crew and everyone.

and I absolutely 100% remember the Duck slowly sinking into the ground. I think the fence was a new addition? The innyard in the back I mean that fence was a relatively new addition. And I do remember the tables because I want to say Enzo built them (before he and Sue were fight cast they were Revellers) and then we stained them and waterproofed them but they weren't that great and so they were slowly turning green by the time I left?

Anyway yes, that is me in that outfit and so if you were fed by me I probably would remember you! My faire name was Fionnuala Ní Loughlin and my husband Liam was a dead sailor.

(We were also almost single-handedly responsible for Susan who was not yet Susan Scot Frye banning us from scaring the shit out of the patrons by crying during the 3: 30 melee.)

I miss Randall too, so much. and Enzo and Marc LePescu who ran The Forgery and so many others that we've lost over the years.

[bldofthedrgn]

The Dragon Never Dies.

A story in which a Baratheon girl falls in love with a dragon prince ... slowly :)

warnings: too fluffy?? there isnt much crazy stuff happening its just part 1 just baelor being a flirt (maybe a little ooc?) fem reader, no physical description other than typical Baratheon hair color

word count: 1.5k

The sun gleamed brightly upon the onlookers of the tourney. In large stands surrounding two tilts sat lords, ladies, knights, squires, and other high-born strangers alike, all squirming with excitement for the days events. Y/n sat next to her father, Lord Gowen Baratheon and some other meek nobles amongst her father's closest allies. She had never quite enjoyed the company of many highborn ladies, with their gossiping and insipid rumors, and highborn men made her all the more weary.

Y/n's contempt for socialization never steered Lord Tully's eldest daughter Alice in the other direction, however. Sitting next to her best friend was the only thing that made the blinding sun shining in y/n's face worth it.

"Here", Y/n heard "take this". Y/n looked down to see Alice shoving something resembling a fancy stick in her hand.

"What is this?" Y/n questioned.

"It's a fan." A small giggle escaped the red-haired girls mouth at her friends confusion. "Storm's End tends to get quite balmy during the summer, does it not?"

Y/n's expression had become one of realization. "Pardon me, Alice. My mind is elsewhere at the moment." The young lady need not look to her best friend to know the look of question plauging her face. Y/n sighed. "I am hot and bored. I have never had a taste for tourneys, jousts or melees. Most men fight too brutish or too feebly, it makes for a tiresome battle. I might have a more pleasant time had any of these knights been .. more pleasant to look at."

"There are more contestants to come, maybe they will be attractive!" That was true enough, y/n's uncle had yet to arrive. Same to be said for Alice's brother. The thick haired brunette hoped that more knights had entered the lists forbye Edmund and her uncle, for Edmund would forever stay a sweet young boy in her eyes and she did not find the ancient Valyrian custom of wedding kin to kin too appealing.

Alice had always been a positive girl, a perfect balance to y/n's skepticism. Y/n simply nodded in acknowledgment and allowed her friend to prattle on about this knight or that, waiting ever impatiently for the damned thing to start.

A loud, gruff voice boomed throughout the stands. "The final three contestants!" Y/n was grateful to hear the herald begin his announcement. Thank the gods, this weather is unbearable.

"Lyonel of house Baratheon, the Laughing Storm!" Out rode y/n's uncle in his stag-emblazoned arms atop his strapping brown warhorse. Gods be good, Y/n thought. May the Mother have mercy and the Warrior lend my uncle strength.

The girl and her uncle had always been close, becoming akin to a second father to her after her own had been injured in the Blackfyre rebellion. During Lord Baratheon's time of need, the Laughing Storm took on the many responsibilities as needed of Lord of Storm' End. What's more, he took on the responsibility of family; providing comfort to his niece and good sister, praying nightly to the seven for his brothers return to health.

"Edmund Tully of House Tully, heir to Riverrun!" Edmund rode gallantly past the stands sending fanciful ladies in his immediate vicinity into a spiral of swoons, hair twirls, and giggles. Ever the charmer I see. Y/n could not deny that Edmund had grown to be a striking young man. Regardless, he would always remain the boy who'd follow her to her lessons clinging shyly to her skirts. The Baratheon girl gave Edmund a small smile in show of support, which he mirrored in thanks.

"Prince Baelor Breakspear of house Targaryen, The Hammer! Prince of Dragonstone, Protector of the realm, Hand of the King, Heir to the Iron Throne!" Y/n's eyes perked up at that particular announcement, having always had an infatuation with the history of the Dragon. Who wouldn't want to be a dragonrider?

Her eyes searched the gates with eagerness, hoping to catch a glimpse of the dragon prince through the shining sun rays that caught on her eyelashes.

Heavy hooves could be heard, followed by the shaking ground caused by Breakspears great destrier. A maginificent beast with a coat of hair midnight black, matching its riders own armour, tall and powerfully built. A perfect horse for a prince, y/n thought in awe as the prince started past the stands. She hadn't noticed, however, that the royal man had stopped his mount. And he had suspended his trot directly in front of her. Y/n's mind raced with confusion and worry when the broad chested man began to lift his helmet, afraid of what The Hammer himself could want with her. A part of her mind raced with girlish excitement, though y/n would never admit to that.

A mess of short dark hair emerged from his three-headed dragon winged helm, sticking slightly to his forehead from the heat. He truly looked as a Targaryen prince should. Mighty, strong, impermeable as a dragon. His armour, so black the metal swallowed any sunlight, with gold lining and Targaryen heraldry stamped across his chest and shield. Y/n could scarcely remove her eyes from his despite all his royal arms, with strands of his freshly cut storm-like hair falling so perfectly in front of the kind amethysts that sat beneath his steady brow. His face was clean shaven and his nose had a small crookedness to it, no doubt the result of a quarrel or two. Though, the twice-broken nose hadn't diminished his looks. Targaryen men have always been quite handsome, y/n thought to herself bashedly, but Baelor Breakspear was an animal of a different kind.

"Lord Baratheon, my lady." The crown prince bowed, ever the diplomat.

"My prince," y/n's father started, "it is an honor." The Baratheon lord had begun to sweat harder, a smooth sheen of sweat glistening above his brow, though only y/n had noticed. "I am in your service."

Breakspear had the grace to smile, his white teeth somehow seeming whiter in the bright of day. He even has a royal smile.

"I require no service of you, my lord" The prince's voice was not deep, but firm and unwavering holding a kind tone. "I simply wished to tell you that I am gladdened to see your recovery. You are an ally to the realm and a good friend, we have kept you and your good house in our prayers."

Gowen had been taken aback by the princes acknowledgments, though he would not let it show. The raven-haired stag bowed respectfully.

"I thank you, my prince. The recovery was long and hard, but gratefully I am not so easily felled." Lord Baratheon followed with a chuckle.

"That much is true." Prince Baelor offered a light chuckle in return. "I shall hope to treat with you later. And I shall humbly ask for the Lady Y/n's favour in the passes." At that moment the striking prince locked eyes with Y/n, having felt her stare since his trot up to the stands. The normally brazen and confident girl was at a loss for words. She much detested the formality of offering a knight your favour at a joust, but this was the prince of Dragonstone, the future King of the Seven Kingdoms. She could feel her cheeks burning and her chest begin to thump violently, and then came a sharp push to her ribcage.

"Give him the wreath!" Alice scream-whispered into the frozen girls ear. Y/n had never actually been asked for her favour at any tourney, despite her contempt. She had never really been approached by any man seeking more than sin, and even those were few and far between.

The girl began to move, descending as gracefully as her legs would allow in her nervousness. Grabbing a small ringlet of flowers, red and pink, woven together by stem and golden thread, y/n lowered herself over the edge of the stand she sat in.

"I wish you good fortune, my prince." Y/n could no longer hold his stare, her stomach a fury of nerves at the intensity which the Hand studied her with.

"Thank you, my lady." The prince lowered just enough to be in the newly timid girls eye line, forcing eye contact. "Your favour shall give me fortune enough for victory." He winked, small enough for only her eyes, she'd hoped. With a charming smile prince Baelor began his stroll toward his end of the tilt, head held high, waving to the stands of loyal subjects.

Y/n slunk back to her seat, curling her body inward in hopes to conclude with the endless perceiving she had just fallen victim to. She could not deny that interaction had made her flustered, as a princes affection is no small thing. No, she told herself, affection was not present. He was solely being kind, in respect to my father. Simply a formality.

The young lady of house Baratheon could not have been more misguided.

A/n: If u made it this far, thank u for reading :3 this is just part 1 bc im unfortunately a yapper and will make this a slow burn by accident. part 2 to come soon <3 hope u enjoy !

[imperial-nuisance-rudje]

i've seen a lot of "assign exaltations to media" posts recently and i wanted to get in on this, this time with final fantasy 14

major spoilers up to 7.0/Dawntrail! also, only hitting major msq characters bc i will actually lose my mind if i have to do all the side stuff and minor characters too, even though i know i'm already accidentally skipping some characters just bc the cast list is the size of the pacific and my brain is a bit fried.

"wait some of these aren't exaltations at all" sometimes it is more interesting if a heroic character is Just Some Guy

Meteor Survivor/Default Warrior of Light - Dawn Solar. It's not even close. The WoL is a very large hammer and all the world is a nail. Even their more magicy stuff they approach like a Dawn rather than a Zenith! Couple arguments that could be made for their Supernal, for trailer-WoL I'd probably go for Melee. Like I have to actively fight the game for every scrap of Not-Solar I give my own WoL, the default WoL is super fucking Solar-coded.

Minfilia - okay hear me out. she's an Exigent of Hydaelyn and her Exaltation passes down to specifically young girls who fit other certain criteria. “Oracle of Light, Minfilia” ends up a sobriquet that devours even the girls’ names in the end. 

Ryne - See above. Exigent of Hydaelyn, just one able to make her own name for herself after it all. 

Thancred - just some guy!!!!! Not an Exalt at all he's just some dude! the stealth thing he can do could easily be a mutation rather than a power related to Exaltation.

Urianger - mortal sorcerer up to 5.0, exalts as a lunar during the time gap. Can be talked out of this, it's a gut read. E: THE GUT READ IS BC HE DEALS SAFELY WITH THE FAE AND TRICKS THEM IN TURN. Changing Moon, definitely. Spirit shape is something both ominous and benefic in terms of omens.

Y’shtola - gut is that she's a mortal sorcerer but I'm not sure if/when she exalts. I feel like the best point for that if she does is actually in the future for her, assuming my read of the plot thread tea leaves is accurate. Assuming nothing else changes, probably a Solaroid, though you may be able to argue Infernal over Solar for her.

Lyse - Deeb, Fire Aspect, same as her sister. I don't have much reasoning for this, it just feels right.

G’raha - I have tried to come up with not this but he really is just the Exigent of the god of the Crystal Tower… You could probably argue for deeb, bc of the royal eye thing, but i feel very strongly that he hasn't Exalted when he first shows up and that pushes him over the deeb exaltation age limit and I personally need some kind of major explanation to accept breaking that rule and while the Crystal Tower could probably manage it... given the physical changes he shows as the Crystal Exarch in ShB I think it works better if it's a very costly (to the Exalt) Exigent exaltation.

Papalymo - Mortal sorcerer. He dies because it was the only way to fuel the spell caging Shinryu as a mortal.

Alphinaud & Alisaie - I'm torn with the twins, honestly. I lean towards them being mortals but you can definitely argue for them having an Exaltation, especially after Coils or ShB, and they're young enough to be late-bloomer deebs if you want them to light up mid-story.

Erenville - Believe it or not I do think he's an Exalt. He's a Wood Aspect Dragonblooded like his mom and he put all of his points into dealing with critters and logistics and lifting heavy things and absolutely none into combat. (You could probably also argue for Earth, honestly, I can't articulate why I feel so strongly about the Wood aspect.)

Wuk Lamat - Dawn Solar, with her Exaltation coming when she breaks through to reach the Queen Eternal again at the end of MSQ. Shockingly social-focused Dawn, but still a Dawn.

Aymeric - Air aspect Deeb. His idealism nearly gets his ass killed like three times I am not budging on this.

Haurchefant - Water aspect deeb. WAIT HEAR ME OUT: i know the easy answer is to slap Wood on him for horny crimes and call it a day, but the way the rest of his personality actually is he fits water way more, including the part where when he's at his limit he's an unstoppable terror that doesn't know restraint. I could also be convinced to assign him Fire. (He's too flexible for Earth and too practical/grounded for Air, imo.) It also fits with his family since the Fortemps we meet all kind of vibe as damp-adjacent at minimum.

Krile - Joke answer: Sidereal bc i nearly forgot to add her-- :V

More seriously, the whole "refugee from another reflection" thing makes assigning her an Exaltation difficult. Alt timelines exist in this game but reflections are explicitly not those, it's more akin to Autochthon's relationship to Creation, and (barring some serious ass-pulls from the writers in the patches) Krile is an ordinary woman in terms of physiology. She's also not dead or associated with death, so I guess that means there's four options she absolutely cannot be rather than ones she can be.

Zenos yae Galvus - Does not Exalt until after 4.0, where he rises as a Dusk Abyssal. Because it fits with how fucked up he is and StB/his arc that he, a mortal man, is able to cause problems until the WoL starts taking him seriously. I could also be open to him being a Casteless Lunar bc lunisolar bond w/WoL (I love a good Fated Nemesis and so would he) but in general I feel like his everything works better if he doesn't Exalt until he tries to remove his own head and it's important to his story that he is Very Dead-Seeming after that point which makes options very limited.

Varis zos Galvus - If he is an Exalt, he's a deeb. Earth aspect, but I could probably be talked into Fire too. The “if” is because I'm torn between him being a disappointment because he never Exalted or because he's the same aspect as his dad but never reached the same potential in grandpa’s eyes. The Garlean upper class generally maps surprisingly cleanly to Dynasts.

Emet-Selch - Honestly this applies to all three of the Unsundered, I'm just keeping the family together, but: I truly believe those three are narratively closer to Deathlords than anything else in Exalted, and I say this while also acknowledging that Zodiark is more like a Yozi than one of the Neverborn. I do not know how to square that circle.

Thordan - Deeb. Air or Earth aspect, either could work with his personality.

Sphene - Orichalcum Alchemical. Living-Sphene was mortal. (Why not liminal? Quite frankly, bc she is not made of meat and still retains her living memories, both of which are disqualifying factors.)

Zoraal Ja - Mortal. I think it adds to things if part of his violent insecurity is that he never lights up despite being his father's son.

Fandaniel - Could admittedly go with either Abyssal or Infernal, depending on what aspects of him you want to emphasize, but I personally see him as a Daybreak.

Gaius - Fire aspect deeb.

[guynamedultimax]

Giving Sonic characters an anime fighter-style makeover + dream roster for said anime fighter

So not too long ago, probably a year-ish, I wanted for a Sonic fighting game with Arc System Works graphics and gameplay (basically Guilty Gear Strive but for Sonic characters) and I was like "oh, imagine if it took place in an AU which is basically just my own take on post-SGW Archie but with characters from EVERY continuity and they all wear outfits that make them more urban or smth" I didn't have a lot of ideas for this AU but basically one of them was to make Sonic wear something like a bomber jacket that's more reminiscent of plane pilots (considering the fact that he was the original owner of the Tornado). I should have the drawing somewhere in my room, I'd just have to find it. I then kinda took a step back when I saw this:

(if someone is able to find who made the image above please send me the link to credit them, I know it's a Twitter image but I forgot the account)

This is a scrapped alt for Project M (for those of you living under a rock, the ORIGINAL Smash Bros. Brawl mod that made Brawl more like Melee and added Mewtwo and Roy back in the game) with Sonic wearing an outfit which is VERY CLOSE to that of his "humanized" version drawn by Uekawa. And after seeing this I'm like "y'know, he could wear this in Kingdom Hearts AND Guilty Gear and not bat an eye" (despite the fact that Guilty Gear designs have a shitload of belts).

I'd say a design like this could fit the vibe/aesthetic I'd be going for in a project that's essentially a Sonic fighting game in an AU which is made up of elements from all continuities. I know I also kept searching for a Shadow "equivalent" to this and I am so, SO torn between making essentially something similiar to the outfit above (so essentially either one of Shadow's outfits from Rivals) OR ramp up the edginess and make him wear something on the lines of this:

Horrible 90's Attire but it's Sonic Adventure 2 by Yanimae on DeviantArt (https://www.deviantart.com/yanimae/art/Horrible-90-s-Attire-But-it-s-Sonic-Adventure-2-705847763)

The cast would generally all have a clothes revamp and I'm gonna go over some of the most obvious ones:

-Tails should absolutely wear something that screams "I'm the smart prodigy" and I'm thinking he should get the bomber jacket I was gonna give to Sonic before seeing the PM scrapped alt -Treasure Hunter Knuckles like this is so obvious it's not even funny he fits perfectly with the tone, that's one of the top tier things Sonic Forces: Speed Battle did so far -same for Secret Agent Rouge (or alternatively her stealth outfit from Rivals 2 and Sonic X) and DJ Vector these are actually banger alts

-Amy wearing something on the lines of her Fleetway Comics outfit but with the colors of her more known outfit would rock ngl

-Eggman wearing an outfit similar to the one he wears in the first movie (so something like this https://twitter.com/RendersSSBU/status/1252674435342938113 ) -Metal Sonic having a new coat of paint that makes him more loyal to the Eggman Empire (essentially Chrome Metal from Speed Simulator) -Espio in his Ninja attire from Rivals 2 -Silver wearing some kind of Tron-esque time cop coat showcasing more that he's from the future or smth

-Blaze essentially wearing a more "regal" version of her regular outfit -Cream & Cheese dressed up like girl scout cookie sellers (its cute and it fits their personality) -ANGLER BIG ANGLER BIG ANGLER BIG ANGLER BI- -Omega possibly also receiving a coat of paint that shows he works for G.U.N with the rest of Team Dark

-Scrapnik Mecha Sonic and Scrapnik Mecha Knuckles enough said

-Surge cosplaying as Scourge. Hear me out on this one it makes SENSE-

This was more or less the roster I came up with for the fighting game itself

Mighty, Sage, Mecha Sonic by ShadowLifeman on DeviantArt Ray by Prime-01 on DeviantArt Nack, Bark, Mephiles, Infinite, Honey, Mecha Knuckles, Fleetway SS by ??? Classic Sonic by Kidd Kai on DeviantArt Bean by E-122 Psi on DeviantArt Zavok by Solbliminal on Twitter

Everyone else is from official SEGA art or from artists who worked with SEGA, template used from the DBFZ roster

Here's also a few details on each character and on some of the thought process behind this roster and/or gameplay:

-I considered a three button system a-la BlazBlue with an equivalent for a Drive that I haven't really developed in my brain, plus a Ring mechanic like Sonic Smackdown, where if you get hit with a strong attack you lose Rings and if you get said Rings you can heal back some of your health -The starting roster would mostly be Teams Sonic, Rose, Dark, Chaotix, Silver, Blaze, Gemerl, Eggman, Sage and Metal Sonic, with the final boss possibly being Mecha Sonic, the rest would be split among a few seasons of DLC -The only real characters I forced myself to include were Mimic and Rough & Tumble because I was running out of space to make a symmetric heroes-and-villains roster (and I originally considered for Surge & Kit to be a 2-in-1 deal like some of the Chaotix that would "mimic" a playstyle meant to evoke playing as both Sonic and Tails in Sonic 2) -Sonic himself would have a mix of moves between Frontiers and Smash Bros., but 90% of his Smash moveset would basically be used for Classic Sonic in general since he's 90% ball anyways there

-Everyone would have a movelist as big as that of the average Strive character (which makes sense when you look at how many unique techniques each character actually has from the wiki pages lol)

-Charmy and Ray are "built-in" assists like Android 17 for base DBFZ but I couldn't come up with full movesets for them sadly

-Super transformations are extremely hard installs to pull off (full meter stuff + super specific button inputs too) that make you utterly broken for a short amount of time at the cost of all your current red health (these include Super Sonic (both classic and modern), Super Shadow, Super Silver, Burning Blaze, Neo Metal Sonic and Super Mecha Sonic, possibly even Excalibur Sonic with the regular BK Sonic being instead used for the base form)

-I originally planned for Jet to call for Wave and Storm in battle but then I realized you could more or less flesh them out to be a bit more unique compared to him.

-Zavok is Ginyu from DBFZ, if you know you know

-Mephiles and Infinite LOOK LIKE they have the same "kit" but Mephiles' playstyle and game could and should definitely fit a shadow manipulator like him while Infinite is more of a guy who attacks aggressively at any distance

-Honey and the Hooligans would be essentially "translated" versions of their movesets from Fighting Vipers and Sonic the Fighters into an anime fighter environiment

-Emerl and Eggman Nega are alternate costumes for Gemerl and Eggman respectively (I did not use actual Emerl as the base because Gemerl has a cooler design and he does show up in comics these days) -I considered Lanolin to form a full Diamond Cutters team with Tangle and Whisper but I realized she hasn't done much so far action-wise to include her, so both her and Belle (for the same reason) could be assists for Whisper and Tangle respectively

-I ALSO considered Marine to be playable but she hasn't shown any actual powers beyond that one thing in the end of Sonic Rush Adventure which nobody ever really understood what it was- I recall Ian Flynn saying in the Encyclospeedia that it's water powers? eh, nobody really trusts that book anyways

-I'd find cute if other characters showed up in taunts and animations for the playables (like Chip for the Werehog, Vanilla for Cream, Froggy for Big, Tikal for Chaos, etc.) -Fleetway Super Sonic would essentially be the game's Omega Rugal (the extremely hard DLC boss you have to beat to unlock for playable use). Also he's voiced by Jacaris because I cannot picture any other voice for him at this point now sorry

-Instead of making Mecha Sonic and Mecha Knuckles full blown villains I'd make them anti-villains/anti-heroes where in the game's plot they don't immediately side with the heroes because they just wanna live in peace on Scrapnik Island

-Didn't add Archie characters because of space but if I DID do it, I would've done Sally (and made her another Ginyu with the rest of the Freedom Fighters) and/or Eclipse the Darkling

-Other scrapped characters from even earlier takes on the idea are Tekno from the Fleetway comics, Shade from Chronicles (deleted because of a horrible human being) and Longclaw from the movies

-Plot would happen in an original universe, again, but heavily focused on games and IDW, and essentially be dealt with like how Guilty Gear Xrd handled it (with multiple iterations of the same game progressing the plot): in the first "Phase", the one with only the base roster, Eggman is attempting to mess around with Ancient technology and data from the Starfall Islands to replicate the Phantom Ruby's powers, somehow "resurrecting" and/or "summoning" in the second "Phase" past villains, which causes the heroes (and, begrudgingly, Eggman, Sage and Metal) to call in for reinforcements/allies, and to search for the Chaos Emeralds so that they could stop the villainous rampage, with everyone mostly deciding to gang up on Mephiles, Infinite and the Deadly Six as they pose the bigger threats when combined together. A third and final "phase" would focus on the aftermath of the event (but more so specifically on Starline and his Imposters because I want them to get better in the public eye, I know a lot of people don't like IDW but I love the idea of Sonic having a more detailed Rogues Gallery in official SEGA-endorsed media)

Oh and that edgy Fist Bump remix from the Sonic Sessions is absolutely the intro theme to this game i'm not sorry.

That is all, thank you for coming to my rambling and stay hydrated. Just don't drink Dasani, it'd be like drinking poison (if you know you know)

[hinoko-takami]

I got fired yesterday, so that sucks. The benefits are that i can flip off the shitty assistant manager there, Mark Meling, as well as finally be open about why i hate him to the public. This is gonna be a long one.

If any of my previous coworkers see this, please go ahead and add your own stories to this.

TW: mentions of sexual harassment, predatory behavior, transphobia, racism, ableism, alcoholism, infidelity, and generally being a smelly garbage can of a person.

I'll try to keep this in chronological order, but that will be hard to do, as after certain events that i will mention, i stopped being the one fronting at work whenever mark was there. I am working with our primary protector to piece things together so im sorry if things arent perfectly chronological. All names but mine and marks are changed. One year ago, October 13th 2022, I started working at Kohl's as a seasonal employe, and was kept on after the season was over as a part time associate, eventually becoming a cashier mainly. I was 17 when i started there (this will become important later).

The first time i met mark was my first opening shift, maybe my 3rd or 4th shift there at all. I rang the bell to get in and was greeted by mark. He was rude and asked what i was doing. I stated i was there to work, to which he asked my name. I gave him the name they have in their system, Saturn, my work name, and he asked what me real name was with such attitude. I gave him the name "S", as that is what i use outside of work, and he doesnt need to know my legal name. He turned away and said "whatever", continuing to walk in and check me in, along with the other day crew. This was the first day of hell.

Throughout my time working at Kohl's, mark was consistently rude, controlling, disrespectful to all staff that werent also managers, and just an awful human being.

I often saw him engaging in predatory behavior towards minors, especially young customers, around the age of 16 or 17. He would flirt with them, even when they were obviously uncomfortable. This continued throughout my entire year of working there.

Now, here is where it gets particularly bad. November 26th 2022, Mark touched my thigh while putting a hanger into my hanger box. This was not a normal touch, this was a caress, very close to my butt. there were 3 other open registers he could have put the hanger into. This was intentional.

After this i grew a deep fear of mark, that would only get worse as time went on. You see, i was sexually abused twice between the ages of 15 and 16. I wont go into detail, but it fucked me up pretty bad, so having this happen nearly sent me into a panic attack, the only thing holding me together was the fact that i had a line of customers. I didn't know what to do or how to report it, so it just went unsaid, unseen, unpunished, until December 14th, in which i finally reported him online, thanks to a friend who no longer works there reporting him and telling me how.

I reported him, then a few days later the head manager, Cat, and another manager, Salmon, pulled me into their office, and took my account of what happened. They said it would be reported to HR and that i would be contacted within a week. They told me to keep quiet about it.

It's been almost a year. I have heard nothing. I refuse to be quiet.

I never received an update from HR. I never received anything. As far as i'm aware, neither did mark. His habits continued, but thankfully he never touched me again, likely because i became much more abrasive against him after that. After than nothing major happened as far as i am aware for a while, though this time is blurry, but i know he was still hitting on underage girls, making the female staff uncomfortable, and overall making everyone upset by generally being disrespectful.

To show the scope of what dealing with this man day in and day out for almost a year did to me, let me tell you this. On June 24th, mark had asked me to follow him into the stockroom to grab something, but once we got there, i was so frightened to be in an area alone with him with little to no cameras, that i switched out. Our primary protector took over work for me ever since then. Being around him made us on edge at all times. I could not work while he was there with me. They recently, on October 6th, had to switch out because of how much genuine stress they were under when around him.

Many times he would make inappropriate comments about the female staffs bodies, saying they were overweight when they were very much not. Allegedly, he commented on the weight of Poodle (a woman with a mom body), Bat (a very skinny and tall woman), Reindeer (an average skinny woman), and several underage employees, all of normal weight, calling them overweight to their faces, when they were never of the sort.

Not only did he comment about the associates weight and appearance, he would often make outright rude comments about the employees, especially the new hires. Any time someone would make a small mistake and he saw, he would outright berate them, often publicly. This was especially clear in the case with my good friend, Wombat, they were brand new to the store and they have a shoulder injury that limits their motion and causes them sevre pain. They were degraded by mark while they were there for not being able to do the tasks he deemed so simple instead of helping them.

One of my previous associates who no longer works there was studying to be a nurce, and had told me along with others in a group one night, that she suspects Mark would come to work intoxicated. His slurred speech, overly red face, frequent shifts in mood, frequent inability to pronounce common names correctly, apparent inability to stick to what he said, memory issues, as well as many frequent comments about alcohol, all lead to this being the truth. I do not know for sure, but i believe this personally. As of recent he seems to have stopped coming to work intoxicated, but this does not change the fact he likely did many times in the past.

Frequently, mark would do nothing helpful, simply sitting in his office doing nothing, only coming out when a manager was called to help. The same goes for telling associates to do things he was easily capable of doing in the moment, such as telling floor associates to pick up or move things that were right in front of him, sometimes literally just standing next to it, waiting for a floor associate to do what he could have done in one second. I dont even want to know how frequently this happened, but according to my friends who work on the floor regularly, it was quite often.

Over the year i spent at kohls, mark had never once used the correct pronouns for me, despite myself and many other amazing coworkers correcting him time and time again. He would always use she/her. When i or others would correct, he would deflect, saying he knows and he "just forgot". He never once apologized. When it was myself correcting him, he would always roll his eyes. He was once talking to “me” (our protector) about his son, who is transitioning, and he would only refer to him as his daughter and with she/her pronouns.

Over the year mark would talk about his failing relationships to anyone who would listen, including underage associates, often sharing personal details you should not talk about at work, especially without permission from the person you are talking to. He has an ex-wife, and at least 8 or 9 girlfriends over the course of the year i worked there, while still flirting and making unwanted advances towards seemingly any girl in the store as long as she was 25 or younger. I had overheard him talking to another manager, Hare, about how he was talking to two girls, one he stated was his girlfriend at the time, and when they learned of each other they both dumped him. Unfortunately for Hare, she seemed uncomfortable but couldnt find a way out of the situation.

Many times mark would have people do things that were not part of their job, including having regester associates go farther than we were supposed to go away from the register, having us do large floor projects on busy days, such as making me entirely redo a wall of product and getting angry when it didn't get done because of having customers, and having one of the people at customer service, Reindeer, unload the amazon boxes when she is not supposed to, we have an entire team dedicated to doing that from what im aware of. Heck, Poodle had even made a comment about how he was not supposed to make her do that and that it is not part of her job.

One of the policies he most frequently broke was that we are not allowed to accuse a customer of shoplifting. He did this numerous times. Once he had me ring up an employees partner because he thought they were letting them take stuff, when he had no evidence and it was obviously not the case. More recently, on october 7th, we had 2 customers who were made very uncomfortable by marks hunch that they were shoplifting, which they were not, as i rang them up. They both left reviews for the store, and i think i will let them speak for themselves.

Unfortunately, this is not the only time this scenario has happened, and i doubt it will be the last.

We had 2 new managers come to work at kohls over the year i was there, one being Sphinx and the other, who has not even been there for 2 months at the time of writing, Penguin. When Sphinx joined us he was immediately put down by mark, him being outright rude to Sphinx about trivial matters. According to Sphinx, he had finished cleaning his OMNI area, only to come back to it later so find it trashed and for mark to comment he should clean his area up. Several times mark has stated he does not trust Sphinx to close the store by himself, when he has shown time and time again he is just as capable as anyone else to close the store.

This is where Penguin comes in. She has been here for less than 2 months, and she is amazing. She is kind, smart, and genuinely helpful. A lovely person to have as a manager. She has been subject to marks unwanted advances since she started. She is now leaving at the end of the month, and i can only assume it is because of this.

Numerous people have reported his poor behavior, including other managers, like Sphinx, and another one i'll call Bear. All of us are sick of his disgusting behavior. I contacted my friends about this to get any stories they may have about mark, and one, potato (yes they asked me to call them that) had this to say;

I havent even covered everything he's done yet. Heck, yesterday, October 9th, one of my previous coworkers, Rat, had told me about how mark had made racist comments towards her husband, and i cant even say i'm suprised considering he often would pick out maxican and black people to follow around and harass, including the customers who left the review abovem the man of which i beleive was mexican (i could be wrong, I dont remember exactly). The following is a statement from Rat herself about mark.

I dont know how to end this, but this is really all i have right now. I'll reblog with anything i have to add. Just know, I wont be quiet about this anymore. I'm tired of him getting away with everything he's done. Mark Meling, know you are a piece of shit. You are disgusting. You are predatory, you are perverted, and god, you do not deserve to be a fucking asistiant manager. everyone there also thinks so. I wish i could have told more people about the atrocities you have done. Sorry about any bad grammar or structure, i wrote most of this between 12am-3am last night and finished it today. If any of my coworkers see this, please add your own stories to this.

[dalek-ix-writes-stuff]

Red Ruin - INTERVAL 02: FIRST ENCOUNTER (Part IV)

The girls didn't immediately spring into action; Blake and Weiss needed a few more details than just "jump down and help the two fighting the Death Stalker", and it wasn't like Ruby could just… put her plan into their heads.

"Uh, Nora's the with the revolver grenade launcher-hammer. Really loud."

Well, not without things going horribly wrong. She could give a… nudge, sort of, if she was gentle and careful and calm, but that had its own problems.

"Ren's her partner. Green outfit and machine-pistol hook-blades. He's trying to distract the Death Stalker long enough for Nora to get a hit in, but that bridge they're on doesn't give him much room."

And as unused as Ruby was at putting her plans to words, it was… surprisingly easy once she got going.

"Which is where you come in!"

"Let me guess: get behind the Death Stalker, keep it occupied, and then let… Nora crack that thing?"

"Uh, yep! Death Stalker armour can get really tough at that size. You need explosives, AP or high impact melee to get through. Freezing the joints is also a good idea."

She could get used to this, actually.

"You have a sniper ri-"

"Crescent Rose is a Super High Velocity Penetrator."

"… that thing. Whatever. Can't you crack that thing's skull from here?"

"Crescent Rose's stakes can go through, but they don't do enough damage on the other end."

"…Doesn't Armacham make a version of those things with a fire dust charge and a delayed fuse?"

"…Yes. They do. I, uh… I didn't bring any."

"I'm afraid to ask, but, why?"

"Because her Fire Dust privileges are suspended."

"That was two months ago, Yang!"

"Still suspended, Ruby."

Maybe. So long as she learned not to put her entire foot in her mouth. Or leave openings for certain older sisters to exploit.

"As fascinating as this is to watch as a single child, could we focus?"

"Y-yes. Anyways…"

----------

When in high-stress situations, the natural response is to tunnel vision. Focus on the threat directly ahead, or the task that needs to be done, blocking out every other distraction around you. This is to be expected; people who are distracted from the rampaging boarbatusk in front of them tend not to live very long, after all.

But there are situations where the noise behind you is what kills you, not the growling predator (or the angry foreigner with a sword) in front, and laser-like focus becomes your doom. Hence why, with training and experience, one can widen the 'tunnel', so to speak. Regain some more awareness of your surroundings; enough that one can react and be aware of what's going on, but not so much that you lose focus.

Pyrrha Nikos was the first to realize they're getting help, spotting two figures leap off the edge of the cliff, and onto one of the taller ruins. Lie Ren was the next one to do so, seeing Blake and Weiss hoping their way down the ruins. Nora saw what Ren was seeing and grinned as Team Monochrome (as Ruby rather insistently called them) got into position behind the Death Stalker.

----------

"Yang, fastball!"

----------

The first sign that Jaune got that he was getting reinforcements was when a red and black blur slammed into the back of the Giant Nevermore he was facing.

----------

"It looks like things are shaping up to be an… interesting year."

Ozpin could feel Glynda rolling her eyes. "The 'Invincible Girl', the Schnee heiress, a boy who acts like he's never even held his own sword before…" A scoff. "Interesting is certainly one way put it. And that's before you get to… her."

Ozpin didn't miss the shudder from Glynda. "You can't say she didn't make an impression," he said, almost to himself, "even if it wasn't as positive as we might've wished."

"Ruby Rose and her sister brawled up and down the length of Patch for half an hour," Glynda deadpanned. "And don't even get me started on how much of her luggage is medication." Glynda's tone softened and became all the harsher for it. "This is not the right place for her."

Ozpin's own voice didn't falter, although even he couldn't keep his emotions from tinting it. "I'm not sure if there is a right place for Miss Rose," he countered, "But if there is…"

On the screens Glynda and he were watching, the fight began to turn…

----------

"No plan survives contact with the enemy."

Ruby struggled to remember things beyond a certain point; the red haze of her condition had made true consciousness a long and difficultjourney, and the few memories of her childhood she did have were all the more precious for her. One of those was a lesson from Qrow; he'd quoted that, and then told Yang and her that people would usually quip it whenever any plan went wrong, as if mocking the idea of having one at all.

Those people, Qrow had told her, didn't know what the hell they were talking about.

Don't remember what the full quote was –some old Atlaesian General said it way before the Great War, and he said it in Atlaesian anyways– but the best way to understand what he meant was like this; imagine you're trying to win a fight in a single swing, or with only one bullet. Unless you're absolutely, completely, positively swear-on-your-soul certain_ that that's all you're gonna need, you'd be crazy to think that. So, you need more; multiple swings, multiple bullets, different kinds of both._

And the real trick; knowing where to use which.

The initial part of the plan went off exactly as Ruby expected. Blake and Weiss dropped right behind the Death Stalker. A slash from Gambol Shroud got the beast's attention, and a wave from Myrtenaster covered the leg joints in ice just as it turned to face them. It roared with Hate, and a volley of grenades from Nora (Ruby wished she'd gotten to know what her weapon's name was) sent it stumbling as it tried to react to the new threat.

Before the Nevermore could intervene, Yang threw her.

Ruby became a blur of crimson petals. The world seemed to be too slow and too fast at once; stretched by her own speed into a smear of colours. It was difficult to focus on anything besides what was directly in front of her, and even then, Ruby's vision was distorted.

So Ruby Rose closed her eyes.

After all, she'd never needed eyes to See.

Crimson unreality fills her mind's eye. She Sees the Quiet Vengeance and the Roaring Thunder, the Icy Blade and Bloody Shadow, frozen as they clash with the mass of ENEMY between them.

(Idly, Ruby noted that The Things which were and weren't Weiss and Blake didn't have nearly as many barbs and blades pointed at each other as before. Improvement!)

She Sees the Untouchable Idol standing like a breakwater against the larger ENEMY, and the Paper? Knight quivering and fluttering beside her.

(Ruby caught the difference. The Thing which was and wasn't Jaune Arc had to cling to The Thing that was and wasn't Pyrrha Nikos to stand, but it was standing. Hm. Hm.)

She Sees it all, feels the Roaring Fire's familiar warmth behind her (and also always, always with her) and focuses on the ENEMY she'd chosen to DIE.

Ruby willed herself forwards.

Faster.

Faster!

Faster!

(She wondered if she'd ever moved this fast.)

Faster!!

The faster she goes the deeper Crescent Rose's blade will tear into her Enemy. The deeper the wound she makes is the faster it will Die. The faster it Dies the sooner she can Kill more- tooclose!

The mass of petals and speed she'd become coalesces into a single point and suddenly Ruby's a lance of red and black, of flesh and steel and bone and Wrath. She'd miscalculated and turned back too early, or she'd flinched and slowed herself down out of reflex when the collision loomed too large, and even though Crescent Rose bites deep and the Nevermore's scream of pain is like music to her ears, the wound is that tiny bit too shallow or too small to be the killing blow she wants.

"Holy-!"

Ruby's faintly aware of Jaune almost stumbling back as she squeezes the trigger. Oxygen and aerosolized fuel ignite in the chamber and Crescent Rose roars her wrath, a 10mm spike driving deep into the Nevermore. Ruby's hands fly across the bolt, a touch of semblance and more making it move faster than any other action could've done, and Crescent Rose fires again.

But the blade's not deep enough, or the variable muzzle break's not set up right, or both, and the recoil pulls Crescent Rose out of the wound she made enough that the Nevermore's thrashing tosses Ruby and her weapon away.

Enormous black wings spread, and the Grimm screeched with hatred and pain as it took off; still too injured to truly fly, so instead the hop just brought it up to perch the roof of the tower.

Ruby falls. The world flashes crimson, and then she's not; now she was standing on the bridge, Crescent Rose in hand, glaring up at the Nevermore with just as much hated as the Grimm's own glowering gaze.

Ruby took a deep breath and planted Crescent Rose's bottom spike on the ground, letting the familiar presence of her sweetheart ground her as she Feltthe world around her. Blake and Weiss were still getting in each other's way, the Death Stalker hadn't been cracked open…

What went wrong, what went right, what can we do from here, what more do we need, what more can we try?

Ruby steadied herself, closed her eyes, and then her mind reached upwards to give the roaring flame that was and wasn't her sister a well-practiced nudge. Tiny, faint, not even the thought of a thought. You'd have to know what to feel beforehand to even know it was there, and only the most basic of ideas could be transmitted, one at a time; closer, away, me, you, yes, no. The mental equivalent of monosyllables.

Ruby felt her sister go from concern and impatience to shock, then confusion, and then a hearth-warm surge of pride that made Ruby smile; two months of practice had paid off.

That's my little sister.

Yang dropped from above, and Ruby Rose pushed forwards.

Next swing, next bullet, next plan.

[arcann]

if you don't mind me asking what FFXIV classes do you like in terms of gameplay/fun to actually play versus ones that are fun for the story/characters; taigat related or not

Taigat is canonically a conjurer (... just a conjurer), dragoon, dark knight, red mage and reaper. He won't ever be a ranged dps because he's missing an eye.

My top favorite classes by just their gameplay are reaper, red mage, dancer and sage. I like playing all roles of the triad! They can all be fun but tbh I don't like all classes.

For gameplay, I enjoy warrior very much because it's a no brainer and you can just rush through dungeons without the help of a competent healer esp by level 90. Dark knight and gunbreaker are also very fun but they do requiere more attention. I never adapted to paladin because it feels like a hot mess. It got a rework like a year ago and it's still pretty annoying.

I agree that dark knight is the best job storyline as it is the accepted general opinion. Gunbreaker is nice but too short. Things they tried to explore are explained way better in a different raid mission (Bozja). It also had a random dark knight garlean duskwight villain that came out of nowhere and they said he was as poweful as gaius which was super random and ooc for garleans to recruit a guy like that. Warrior is mid but it takes a turn for the worst when the mentor gets introduced to The Girl tm and they fall in love (heterosexual af despite the girl being a better warrior than him). Paladin is the worst, I know you didn't like the gladiator part and tbh it just introduces more and more annoying characters and very little of it's lore is worth it. They completely leave out ishgardian knights in favor of uldans 💀

I love healing too except maybe astro. It's enjoyable and very pretty but some parts of the rng are annoying and it's always getting reworks. It will probably get another one in dawntrail. Sorry to the people who main it if that happens. Sage is my favorite and I find white mage and scholar very fun too.

I love the white mage's npcs they're very cute to me especially Sylvie and Gatty. E-Sumi-Yan is one of my favorite mentors as well. I've mentioned it before but Taigat ran the whole whm story but only to help Sylvie and the Senna twins. The rest are fine. Just fine. Scholar and Astro give some neat lore tidbits but tbh I'm not that interested in them. Sage has you running around with a sharlayan cop catgirl so several points will be taken off bc of that.

The only caster I like for its gameplay is red mage. I know black mage players enjoy how much freedom they get to make their own rotations but I just don't see it, also it changes a lot depending on the level you're in. Summoner got reworked in ew and now it's a no brainer (Sasha has a lot more to say about these changes, I just didn't experience it when it wasn't like this) and like I get no braining tanking with warrior bc I'm pulling all the heat and still living but. just clicking 5 buttons without worries? While nothing is chasing me? Not for me. Red mage is super fun and sexy. This is a good mix of melee attacks and ranged magic. I wish paladin would approach it a bit but tbh I don't imagine how. Blue mage doesn't really count and I haven't played through it but it feels like a hassle.

Thaumaturge's plot is pretty funny because you see how fucking pathetic those lalafell siblings are. I made it so that Taigat goes through it post ew but just so he can go "you're all freaks i'm stealing something from your house". Dyulgor did the black mage storyline decades before ARR happened. It's interesting and it has a moon keeper conjurer who doesn't trust you and it was cool to think there was still enmity between black and white mages but they kinda ruined him a bit by making him have a crush on our lalafell mentor. Some beast tribe members are also important here but tbh they act to much like caricatures and it's sometimes annoying. Summoner introduces a lot of interesting lore about your relationship with the primals and allag + you hang around with y'shtola's half sister and she's very neat + the ascians are one of the main villains which is unique outside of the msq. The red mage storyline has voidsent and weird implications about getting close to vampirism with this class which gets an automatic 10 from me. The mentor is a really nice catdilf from ala mhigo who fought long ago, before and during the garlean conquest. He's also Alisaie's mentor and he will mention her a couple of times. Blue mage sounds fucking awful and that's all I'm saying.

Dancer has a very unique rotation and even if parts of it are rng based I can't complain because you're mainly support and you're there to buff other teammates. Machinist is fine even if I don't like certain attacks where you have to stand still or else you'll interrupt your attack. Bard's rng is a mess right now and in lower levels your rotation feels very incomplete which is pretty unsatisfying.

Dancer's story is really bad and like gunbreaker, too short to explain anything introduced there well enough. It would have been better to give them something to do in Thavnair. Machinist makes you spend a lot of time in Ishgard and I think that's great but I didn't care much about what happened. I'm glad the mentor kicked nobles' butts though. Archer is kinda rancid bc it's about a racist elezen learning that maybe moonkeepers are people and still being super rude around them. Bard has this two mid looking white guys so ofc there's a section of the fandom that is obsessed with them but I don't care for them. Moogles give you your job stone and they're involved so that is a plus.

Tbh I like all of the melee classes' gameplay. It traumatized me a bit that I wasn't playing dragoon right for a long time but I recovered. I probably don't remember all the rotations that well on account of not practicing lol.

I like Foulques way too much to let him die so like you I make him older and changed his background quite a bit. He does have a competitive relationship with Taigat but after they save him from falling down that cliff they start bonding. If anything Taigat visits him more than anyone at the lancer's guild but I imagine Foulques travels a lot around the Black Shroud so sometimes it's a bit difficult to find him. Dragoon is neat. Just neat. It was fun to see Estinien lose his marbles and swear revenge then several days later going "no no, I'm fine, we're fine. Let's forget that happened." in the msq. Puglist and Monk suck so bad especially that racist historian I hope he drops dead and his wife cucks him. Samurai started really strong but after you reach Kugane it becomes a story of "maybe the oligarchy is there for a reason and everyone who defied them is being too violent ergo worse than it" which. why. why. Rogue is an interesting idea to insert in limsa, which is very much filled with plot holes but having a secret police to keep the pirates in check is neat. Hated that the mentor is just a nod to jack sparrow. I imagine Dyulgor has a huge problem with these guys since he's very friendly with the sahagin and he has killed several of the people sent to investigate him but they can't track the murders back to him, lol, lmao. I don't remember ninja quite well but the main rival was a clown who annoyed me real bad. I'm glad the mentor and his main ally came back for Bozja and got away from that guy.

Y'all know I'm insane about reaper but it did a good job at having a neatly closed story imo. Tbh sage did so too, when compared with gunbreaker and dancer. Maybe they realized by then they would have much less screen time and organized the story beats better.

For dawntrail, viper and pictomancer look extremely unappealing to me right now. Viper seems like samurai but with nothing cool about it and pictomancer looks like something adapted from neopets. Not excited about this at all.

[absolutelyfibulas]

It's the Dutchpinions On Red/Pink post!

Under a cut due to length, this is the result of me struggling to sleep at 3am, and wondering about the potential red/pink pairs possible in post-2000s Sentai.

Behold, my incredibly incorrect (but also completely right and infallible) bad takes!

(Warning: There's spoilers all over the place, because it was kind of hard to avoid in certain cases.)

Timeranger

Canon red/pink and total asspull. They already had Domon and Honami for the star-crossed Can’t Be Together tragic pairing, and Tatsuya/Yuuri seemed to just manifest out of nothingness. It’s like the writers realised they’d forgotten to have the sole woman on the team fulfil what we ALL KNOW THAT SOLE WOMAN’S PURPOSE IS and threw a dart at a wheel of the remaining guys.

Rating: Ugh.

Gaoranger 

Being an inoffensively forgettable series I don’t remember much about the team and their dynamics. I do remember that they have white instead of pink, and that white is way too young for red. 

Rating: No pair up, good call.

Hurricaneger

Doesn’t have a pink, unless you consider Ikkou’s colour pink-adjacent enough to count. In which case it’s a top notch match up. Those boys are in homosexual love. 

If we’re counting “woman on team” as the pink, then it’s Nanami, and I think she and Yousuke would murder each other if they tried dating. So they lose points for that.

Rating: A+ for potential gay. B- for potential murder.

Abaranger

I don’t like pairing any of the adult men in their twenties with the girl still in high school. Obviously red and pink aren’t a thing here, but my point still stands for the canon blue/pink they huffed paint and decided to go with post-canon.

Rating: 

Dekaranger

The red/pink here wouldn’t be awful, I don’t think? But Ban is too Like That, and Umeko has a sweet canon thing with green. They managed to make a complementary colour contrast combo work in a whole other way.

Rating: Not the worst. Which isn’t exactly an endorsement.

Magiranger

Not applicable for obvious reasons. Does get bonus points for the canon last minute pairing being so hilariously stupid (complete with magical shotgun wedding overseen by a catholic cat) that I can’t even hate it.

Rating: Houka’s bi and Tsubasa’s gay and that’s all that matters.

Boukenger

Another canon red/pink. This is one that I personally was completely blindsided by, but have had mutuals tell me that it was built up over time so I have to take their word for it. I actually thought if anyone was getting paired up it’d be yellow/black, which would have been weird on its own given they’re more like siblings. 

I suspect I was just too distracted by pink being an autistic gun lesbian to even remotely consider her having any romantic plot with a dude, and I sure as hell don’t remember her interacting with red for anything non-work related at any given point. God knows what they talk about on that rocket. 

Rating: This is the sentai version of that movie where Jennifer Lawrence is trapped on a starship with Crisp Rat.

Gekiranger

Jan legally can’t date anyone, and there’s no pink. So let’s instead take a minute to think about Mele/Rio, the canon pairing who miraculously made me like a pairing that uses a trope I cannot stand.

Rating: I know they’re off having the most Addams Family Goth romance in the afterlife. I feel it in my bones.

Go-Onger

Everyone on this team is homosexual. The only way red/pink is happening is if Gunpei persuades Hant to engage in roleplay.

Rating: They literally have an entire episode about Sousuke’s tragic summer romance with Kento Handa.

Shinkenger

We did it. We found the milquiest of toasts. He’s a boy, she’s a girl. The only other girl option is 15, so red/pink it is. 

Rating: I don’t think Takeru knows what a girl is.

Goseiger

Another inoffensively forgettable series. I do remember that the red and pink in this are kind of sweet? Like they’re not canon, but I wouldn’t hate it if they were. They actually get to be friends onscreen and are both Cute Chipper 20yos, so sure, go ahead.

Rating: Eh, 's fine.

Gokaiger

I have to admit I never really thought about Marvellous/Ahim romantically at any given point. They’re friends, they’re bros, they have the Sweet Princess Meets Snarky Pirate thing going for them. Not really my bag but sure why not. That said...

As a last minute pairing they would have been annoying as fuck.

Rating: Luka gets REALLY salty for like three months after they get together and no one’s brave enough to bring it up.

Go-Busters

No pink, but also the only girl on the team is Yoko. Refer back to my Abaranger “20yo men dating girls in high school” notes, and consider that they’re siblings, Your Honour.

Rating:

Kyoryuger

Canon red/pink, and the last minuteiest of last minute pair ups. I have legit no idea why they decided they needed a romance in this show. It’s perfectly okay without it and even as someone who doesn’t particularly ship it, Nossan/Candelira is very cute! They didn’t need to add another romance!

Daigo spends the whole thing about as interested in Amy as a concrete brick, and Amy seemed way more concerned with Yayoi in a Not Heterosexual way. 

Rating: Whatever the writers were on, I want no part of it.

ToQger

I don’t really think about shipping for this one (again, for obvious reasons), but I wouldn’t be particularly bothered by the red/pink here having a similar puppy love crush situation to blue/yellow. I’m just not really interested.

Rating: They have better things to do. Like drink apple juice.

Ninninger

Another team rendered Not Applicable. I mean technically it would be legal but it’s. Y’know. Still weird.

Rating: You stop that.

Zyuohger

White instead of pink again. I think these two repel the idea of romance between them so strongly that if they’d got them together the universe would have suffered a minor meltdown and just erased the franchise from existence.

Rating: ????

Kyuuranger

Lucky and Raptor would be a wild pairing, if only for how out of left field it would be. Morbidly fascinating, if nothing else.

Rating:

Lupat

Pairing either red with Tsukasa would be punishable at the Hague.

Rating: 

Ryusoulger

My opinion is going to be biased by the fact I didn’t really buy the team as being particularly close anyway; this series’ red/pink would be…fine. In the way breathing nitrogen with my oxygen is fine. I didn’t ask for it, I don’t particularly want it, but also it’s not going to kill me instantaneously. These two do at least have an onscreen history of friendship, and aren’t hideously ill-matched. 

Rating:

[alexilulu]

GAMES I PLAYED OF THE YEAR 2023, #2

(Previously: #1)

Razzies Award Runner-Up For Most Baffling Game Of 2023: Star Wars Jedi: Survivor (Respawn Entertainment)

(I know, I thought the colon was after Star Wars, too)

I didn’t know where Respawn would go after Fallen Order. I mean, obviously, they had to make more of it, they made a pretty damn competent video game. Fallen Order has a certain panache for combat, the feeling of being one dude against an army never being more clear than the fourth time I get domed by a Stormtrooper with a rocket launcher because I was too busy parrying the melee guy he’s gonna murder in the backblast to remember to force push it away in time. Playing on Jedi Master actually made me feel the same way that Dark Souls did, a feat so rare in the space now that we’ve expanded the universe of Soulslike beyond all comprehension that it was actually delightful to eat shit to some of those bosses.

Mostly.

But the ending of that game gave me so much joy that I couldn’t really fathom a second entry, at first. Sure, the expansion of the post-Order 66 era of Star Wars is continuing under the new leadership, but it’s a fairly small era (17 years, just about, thanks to the whole “Luke and Leia born after Order 66” thing). How much room do they have to play here, really? And what could really be told now, beyond the continued adventures of Cal Kestis and BD-1? 

Well…

They came up with something. It was an idea they had, all right. But maybe it should have stayed on the drawing board. 

Okay, if we’re gonna talk about this, I have to get this off my chest first. I’m a Star Wars dweeb.My favorite Star Wars movie is the Last Jedi, because of how it muddies the waters and says ‘hey, the Jedi were an anachronism in their own time, and the world has moved on’ and ‘the lines of war are not so clean in the modern era’ and ‘fuck, that shot of the hyperdrive crash was so sick’. My favorite Star Wars game is Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords (Obsidian Entertainment)! I’m not like other girls! 

And I have strong opinions about the Post-Revenge timeline, or more specifically, how many Jedi survive Order 66. For me, this comes down to a thing I find really interesting in media, and how the world works: How people find direction when they aren’t given any way to go. 

Post-Revenge, the Empire is ascendant, having just won the fake war and successfully crushed every element of dissent in the galaxy under a swift military expansion that has given the evil man in power, George Bush Jr With A Skin Condition, unlimited power to rule the galaxy with an iron fist. The world is different now than under the Republic, and everywhere you turn, the Empire looms. What do you do to meaningfully oppose something you disagree with that is omnipresent and powerful beyond reckoning, besides oppose it and die trying to do anything at all?

Ultimately,There’s a lot of hay to be made here, but we’ll keep it simple so this doesn’t go crazy. The Jedi who survive Order 66 issue is pretty cut and dry, if you’re a movie purist: Yoda says that Luke will become the last Jedi in the galaxy when he dies in RotJ. It’s pretty simple! No more Jedi! Last of his kind, etc etc etc. But it’s been 30 years since that movie aired, and we’re a few hundred pieces of Star Wars media away from where it started, Legends canon or no. Some of them are even primary canon now, like Ahsoka Tahno, the erstwhile apprentice of Anakin Skywalker.

But how many Jedi are alive just in Fallen Order? And how many more make it to Jedi Survivor?

We have Cal Kestis, our ginger protagonist, a padawan who survived Order 66 with his Master’s lightsaber and hid for a decade to grow up, get found out and run around the galaxy fucking up. There’s Cere, the new master he finds along the way. There’s Trilla, the fallen apprentice of Cere, now Second Sister. There’s Ninth Sister, the big hulking one who you fight all of twice and survives the game. There’s a one-note fallen Master on Dathomir, who turns up out of nowhere and gets chumped. And there’s Merrin, the Dathomiri Nightsister who practices Magick (the k is important) using the Force, so she counts. And Vader comes in for a splashy send-off to the game in a brutally scary no-win fight and escape sequence in which you are carefully reminded why that guy is the scariest motherfucker in the galaxy. That makes 7. 

A bit more than the Last Jedi, eh?

Ultimately, this is a victim of the fact that they’re making a video game. You can fight stormtroopers with cortosis shock batons all day, but if you’re playing a Jedi game, you want to cross sabers with another Jedi/Sith. It’s just the order of the day. It makes sense! The Jedi fights in Fallen Order are good! I dismissed the one-note Master but he actually had a good fight in a Dathomiri temple that felt good to go back to every time i got fucking dumpstered.

It makes things more fun to have a Jedi thrown into this time of lawlessness and oppression, where the strong are taking the chance to crush the weak with the Empire’s tacit blessing; raiders on the Outer Rim are bleeding the territories dry, often at the Empire’s behest. Throwing the tattered Jedi remnants into that world makes sense instinctively with the world they’ve made, and with the influences Star Wars draws on.

The average person knows by now that Star Wars is drawing equally from Westerns that influenced George Lucas, but also the samurai movies coming out of Japan that influenced those Westerns. A world of fallen morals and people barely surviving gets so much more textured when the Last Good Samurai enters the equation. Putting someone with an unflinching moral code in a bad position and telling them not to blink is fun storytelling! Watching them contort themselves into knots to survive it is so fun! We love that shit! Hell, I love that shit, as much as I’m complaining about it!

So, in Jedi Survivor, we have Cal, Cere returns, Ninth Sister finally dies, Merrin returns with gusto (great expanded role for her here, though it baffles me that she’s straight), the High Republic fallen Jedi Dagan Gera (more on him later, but he dies), Eno Cordova (was dead in the last game, but turns out he wasn’t, but then he dies again, so okay), and Bode Akuna, the final deuteragonist-to-antagonist of the game. And Darth Vader again, in a what feels like obligatory role where he fights Cere to a draw. So…7, again. But…

The Hidden Path debuts here (OKAY, LOOK, the Hidden Path debuts in Obi-Wan Kenobi, the Disney+ show. But I fucking hope you didn’t watch that. I did. And I regret every minute of it I spent watching it), an underground railroad for Jedi. It’s basically not referred to beyond that Cere and Eno are running a cell of it and that there are other cells, but it DOES mean that there are enough other Jedi who survived that they are actively forming whisper networks to get Jedi out of bad places and into the dilapidated ruins they were meant to be living in (it’s their native environment). 

So we have 7 + (1±X, where X is the number of other Jedi in the galaxy, minus already-named characters) Jedi in Jedi Survivor. So basically, Palpatine is a fucking rube who didn’t even get his perfect felling blow right, I guess? So…not great, but fine. It’s…acceptable. The number even goes down significantly more in this one, because 5 of those original 7 in Fallen survive, but only 4 survive in Jedi Survivor! It’s a miracle, we killed 1 net Jedi! Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on Palpatine, they’re clearly a fucking pain to make die for real.

Anyway. This is all besides how I feel about the actual plot of Jedi Survivor. 

Yeah.

The plot…is kind of stupid. Cal Kestis is working with Saw Gerrera, the Partisans (faction of the Resistance, not yet the Rebellion, natch) figure who went on to use a weird tentacle monster to brainfuck Riz Ahmed in Rogue One and then died when they fired the first Death Star test shot at him. He’s stealing info, and his op goes bad and all his boys get murdered besides newfound buddy Bode Akuna, a jetpacking charming rogue with two pistols and a lot of chest. Cal goes and gets into some hijinks with his old buddy who used to fly his ship until everyone parted under mysterious circumstances a few years ago (after the end of Fallen Order, when they swore to find as many potential Jedi as they could together). 

This is where the High Republic intrudes. Ancient ruins on the planet they’re on point towards a long-forgotten Jedi presence on this planet, with hints leading to another planet hidden in a nearby nebula that is considered unnavigable and a death trap. They learn that that planet was an abandoned Jedi temple in the High Republic, where Dagan Gera fought for a Jedi temple on a fount of Force power to be built until it was mysteriously raided by an unknown force that somehow also got to the lost planet. Cal wakes up Dagan Gera, who literally turns evil in front of you and runs off to complete his centuries-old evil plot to…go back to that planet and just live there?

A lot of this story is about the toll being A Survivor takes on you. Cal watches a bunch of really good buddies he totally knows a lot about die in the tutorial level on Coruscant, and he’s still got all his old hangups about surviving his master, being a Jedi in a galaxy ruled by the Sith, yadda yadda. He’s lost his drive to fight the Empire, having summarily abandoned working for Saw Gerrera in the interest of just taking a break, and into his lap falls the ultimate leave forever button in the form of this lost planet. He sees it and he can’t help but think “hey, I did my part, I sacrificed a lot for the cause, and I’m done”. 

Bode Akuna agrees on this! He’s a tough guy and he’s got a tough daughter and a dead wife and he just doesn’t want to deal with any of this anymore. He wants to bring his daughter home and create a life with her away from all this Empire shit. It gets where it wants to pretty quick here: This planet Cal found is the ultimate chance to just say No to everything and give it all up. Just live a clean, simple life away from it all, forever.

It’s an interesting thing, sort of. Fallen Order is a game so concerned with survival, that Jedi Survivor basically has to be about finding any meaning at all in a galaxy ruled by evil. It feels like it’s actually got something to say here…but it doesn’t, really. 

The turning point of the game is roughly ¾ of the way through, when Dagan Gera is defeated and you claim the mcguffin that will help you fly to Treasure Planet. But before that happens, you meet Cere and Eno and learn about the Hidden Path, the selflessness of the non-Jedi who are fighting to help them survive. And Cal, he’s a Jedi through and through, for better or worse. So he says to Bode, hey, we’re going to turn this planet into a safe haven for the Hidden Path, and we’ll bring everyone we can here to create a stronghold against the Empire.

This is when Bode (every time I think about his name, i think about (INSERT PHOTO OF BODE.JPG HERE) reveals that he is a former deep cover infiltrator Jedi who was undercover when Order 66 started, who avoided every bit of the Empire that chased him with stealth and subterfuge, until an Imperial Security Bureau he worked with outed him and he became their pet Jedi to do evil missions with. So he’s compromised every moral he has to survive, and will do anything to take his daughter back from the ISB and flee this hellish galaxy with her, so that she can be raised safe.

He’s the Jedi Survivor, not you (I literally said out loud to myself OH, HE’S THE JEDI SURVIVOR as he had his big heel turn speech).

This is when Bode kills Eno Cordova, takes the mcguffin, and flies there with his daughter after you have a big temper tantrum about it and unlock the power of the dark side for yourself a little bit. So you go hunt him down after some double mcguffin reacharound bullshit to get there, and you tell his daughter some nice platitudes and Merrin takes her out of the room so you can put him down like a dog.

The end of the game is him burning on a pyre while you, Merrin and his daughter watch. 

Ultimately, it was a game that at least had some kind of a semblance of a full story ready from beginning to end. It had plenty of things to do (the collectible quotient was WAY higher this time, to its detriment) and the newly added stances, a crossguard lightsaber that is straight up just Kylo Ren and a blaster-and-saber stance that i spent 100% of the game playing once acquired, were great fun to play around with.

I just don’t think it was very good, is all. I don’t know what in god’s name the third Star Wars will be, but I know it will be fought with lightsabers and blasters. 

(sorry. Sorry. I’m trying to delete it)

[milesonthenet]

Fusionfall: Cartoon Network's BIZARRE thought experiment!

Welcome back to the House of Milesverse, focused on some things comics, some things Transformers, and some things uh - other things.

Today we'll be talk about a special part of my childhood. I've always considered myself a CN kid more than any othr network. Nickelodeon just did not interest me, and i wasn't into Avatar or anything. But i did like Invader Zim. And my 'love' for Disney only came from the movies, and Kingdom Hearts.

But Cartoon Network? That was a different story. I loved Cartoon Network, and it was the network i watched the most. It just had a lot of fun stuff that kid-me was into.

Kid-Me loved Ben 10, and he really did enjoy Dexter's Laboratory. He'd sit down and watch Powerpuff Girls, or Cow & Chicken. He used to watch Scooby-Doo with his grandma. He even enjoyed early Adventure Time, Regular Show, and Steven Universe.

Total Drama, Johnny Test, The Secret Saturdays, Generator Rex, Teen Titans, Johnny Bravo. There was no limit to the amount of stuff that I'd watch. My entertainment wasn't just playing games or on the computer. It was sitting in front of the TV and seeing what I enjoyed.

But you know what Kid me loved that had - probably most of these things in them?

Well if you weren't clued in by the opening title, I'll show you;

This game got me into playing later MMO games like Elsword and DC Universe Online. It was familiar, it had all sorts of cartoon network characters in it. It remains a big point of my childhood because of it.

So today? Put on your nostalgia lenses. As House of MilesVerse presents it's own miniature REVIEW of;

CARTOON NETWORK UNIVERSE: FUSIONFALL

Making of Fusionfall

Fusionfall's story begins with Cartoon Network and one of their first 'big' forays into gaming. The game was published by Cartoon Network, with a business model planned out by Turner Entertainment. Its developers were Grigon Entertainment, a south korean studio chosen for their art style.

Speaking of? Fusionfall's art style is definitely interesting. It portrays the setting with more anime-esque styling. Characters still retained some of their cartoony looks, however, so while it was different, it still worked.

In the game however, it uh, was an interesting experiment.

Admittedly? Eddy isn't the weirdest looking one here. THAT award goes to;

That's Jake, as in Jake the Dog. He looks like that and is one of the only NPCs with no animations. He's just static, his eyes boring deep into your soul...

Jake knows what you did.

Anyways, Fusionfall is an MMORPG where you play as an avatar. You have some limited but still versatile customization options. Your character uses many weapons, including rifles, pistols, rockets, and melee weapons.

Original? Academy?

The game had two different versions, with one ultimately replacing the other. The original was available from 2009-2011 and gave you a simple story. Your character was a hero testing out a time machine, who wound up trapped in the future. You begin a quest to come back to the past, and eventually you return with the knowledge needed to create nanos.

Don't worry about that, we will get into that bit later.

After the birthday bash, the game's tutorial and introduction was overhauled. Newer characters were added - or at least new for when the game was out. For example? Finn, Jake, Generator Rex, and the Sym-Bionic Titan were all new additions, alongside Chowder, flapjack, and the Saturdays. In addition? Mordecai, Rigby, Gumball, and Darwin were all represented through Nanos.

This version of the game is Academy, which lasts from 2011-2013 when the game inevitably shut down its servers. Academy gives you two bonuses for your character: gliding and dodging. Your multidirectional dodge lets you move from front, back, or side to side.

The overhaul changed your origin story too. You train in the null void (it's a Ben 10 thing), and then Providence. Eventually after completing enough missions, you're sent off to get your guide, completing the tutorial.

Your Guides:

The game had four guides available to you at the start. The good thing about them is that you could change missions. You could swap from one guide to another, but you would start at the first level. If you chose to swap back, then you would be able to resume from your initial position.

These four guides are:

Ben Tennyson

Edd, aka 'Double D'

Dexter

And Mojo Jojo

The guides all have different missions too. Dexter wants to find out where the missing heroes from the world are. Ben Tennyson wants to make sure Lord Fuse (We'll get to that) doesn't get his hands on alien technology. These two are pretty simple.

Mojo Jojo wants to build an army of super-monkeys powered by Chemical X and fusion matter to defeat Lord Fuse. Naturally, the player foils his schemes each time - thanks to Mandy, and Dexter, - because he's evil.

Edd is... not what I would have expected, but he wants to stop Fuse from gaining buried candy and treasure maps. I'm surprised at his inclusion, especially compared to the others. But I think he also helps appeal to the comedic leanings of Cartoon Network.

What's the story?

Now we get to the FUN bit!

Fusionfall's story centers on a connected setting between the TV Series. The events of Powerpuff Girls, Dexter's Laboratory, Ben 10, and Ed, Edd n Eddy are all connected. All the characters know each other, and everything is united.

The main 'threat' of the series is Planet Fusion, a large gooey planet that's assimilated other worlds. This time it wants to assimilate Earth, breaking it down like it's done to many worlds. The various heroes of the Cartoon Network universe unite to stop Planet Fusion from taking their planet.

This isn't just an easy fight for the heroes, though. Planet Fusion creates dangerous monsters made out of fusion matter to terrorize the people. Worse, they've created evil doppelgangers of our favorite CN characters, named Fusions!

It's a big war between two sides, and your character's caught in the middle. As mentioned above, your character is accidentally sent to the future. He returns to the past with the nano blueprints, so that the resistance may have a fighting chance against Fuse.

Now? It's you, the legendary hero, helping take down Fuse's forces across the world. You lose, Fuse.

The Fusions, and the Nanos

This has been stated above, but it would be easier to hop through it again. The Fusions are evil doppelgangers of your favorite Cartoon Network characters. They may look similar, but they are not nice, and exist to help Planet Fusion move his goals along.

Fusions are always found in fusion lairs, which are in infected zones. Infected Zones are the areas most communicated with fusion matter. There are many infected zones, and they all require you talk to a Dexbot to get in.

In these infected zones, you will usually find more than one fusion lair. This is where the Fusions lurk - are you tired of hearing the word 'fusion'? Don't be, we've got a long way to go. Entering the fusion lair usually requires you fight your way through a horde of monsters, and then the fusion itself.

When the fusion finally dies, you get a nano, made from a personal item of the character, fusion matter, and your own imagination energy. This is just the story reason though, the video game reason is just "kill this fusion, and get a nano". It's adorable, by the way.

Nanos have special abilities, which come in a set of three. With a nano you can get bonus fusion matter from missions, have extra money, make monsters fall asleep, sneak past monsters, and more. You only get to pick one ability, but don't fret, you can change it later.

I always look back and think the Nanos are a refreshing gimmick. Imagine being able to carry a chibi-fied version of Mojo Jojo around. They come with their own voice lines too, with higher-pitched voices.

The base game had around 36 nanos which you gained for each level. Academy added a few notable bonuses, with nanos themed off of more-recent CN characters. In addition, you could use a code to gain access to a nano.

The inevitable shutdown (and potential successors):

August 29, 2013, saw Fusionfall close its servers and shut down. I didn't understand it at the time, but I moved on. It was a sad moment for many fans who had gotten attached to the game series.

Other successors have tried to follow the game series. Fusionfall Retro was released as a revival of the original game before the Academy relaunch. Fusionfall Legacy was going to be released as an upscaled version of the original game with additiona l content.

Both games were struck down by a DMCA issued by Cartoon Network. Retro was removed entirely, and Legacy was canceled before release. Retro is playable through 'Retrobution', a modified spin on Retro.

In addition, both the original and academy games are playable after years of being 'gone'. This is through OpenFusion, an unofficial server that preserves both original iterations of the game. Retrobution is also made using this server.

Conclusion:

Fusionfall was a big part of my childhood, especially as a CN Kid. I'm glad i got to make those memories while playing it. However, I never got to beat the original game because i stopped playing.

Things are different now, and after playing on Openfusion, I managed to beat all 36 levels. I was happy to finally see that through. If I could time travel, I'd go back, and fist-bump my younger self. We finally did it, and we saw it through to the end.

Fusionfall was a cute idea, and the strength of its concept alone could prove useful. However, I don't think it could find an audience in today's market. Outside of old fans, I'm not sure if 'new' kids are as attached to cartoon network as the past few generations were.

Regardless? It could be cool to imagine what it would be like now. Better game engines combined with better controls. Newer cartoon network series like Steven Universe, We Bare Bears, or Craig of The Creek. You could even throw in some oddballs, like Scooby-Doo.

I sure hope you all had fun reading this one. I'll be back later on with another dig. Maybe I can show you guys why I love the Cybertron Transformers games so much. After all, they are also a part of my childhood!

The time is now. The hero is you.

[ragnar0c]

Oc Brainrot 💖

I have the craziest ship in my head... and its literally only me who ships it. Remember when I brought up my oc Mel and then I mentioned Alope 😭

THEY'RE SUCH A FUNNY PAIRING TO ME!!

Rich Girl with a savior complex, poor girl with a savior complex...

Mel already has a thing for women with long hair who are buff (see Tankei) I literally think Mel would just fall in love with Alope on SIGHT. Alope's strong, but she's also super silly and filled with ardor. Like she'd instantly click with Mel even if the first thing she said was ridiculous (Mel thinks its charming).

Mel would want to take care of her, but Alope hates when there's an unbalanced dynamic like that in any sort of relationship. So Alope would probably lash out (lash out as in she panicks and makes Mel realize how privileged she is). And after that Mel would have to humble herself and see that Alope isn't some poor girl who needs a sugar daddy. She wants to make her own way out of the hole.

Mel's solution? Go adventuring with Alope! Help her make the money herself! Be her knight, but also Mel is bad at using melee weapons so she can go "Eek! Alope save me!" Alope would EAT THAT UP!!!

And after knowing Mel for a while I think then Alope would reciprocate it. <- which is another reason why I think Alope is demiromantic

I mean Alope probably also thought Mel was cute, but like I said in the post comparing the two. Mel is more naive. Like YES i wrote Alope dumb but she's way less naive than Mel and even Hana i think. And naive people- Naive adults- are one of Alope's pet peeves. So it would take her a while to feel anything Romantic for Mel. (Though yes, this means it was very possible she felt non romantic attraction to Mel before it all.)

[cswizzledizzle]

Random observations of the trophies in Super Smash Bros. Melee, because I thought they were interesting - Part 5

Last time, I ended off with some examples of the unique Japan Only trophies. But what about trophies based on things that aren't even out yet?

Before Animal Crossing had a stage or character in Smash, it had trophies under the label of "Future Release" for the states, with the game hitting shelves for us about a year later. While there are some changes between their appearance here and in the English release of the game, such as Tom Nook's apron or Mr. Resetti's outfit, the most interesting one of the group to me is K. K. Slider trophy, where he is called Totakeke, his Japanese name. He's named after Kazumi Totaka, a composer for Nintendo who voices Yoshi and many other characters for the company. One of those characters happen to be...

Captain Olimar of the Pikmin series, who happens to make an early bird cameo here before he joined the fray in Brawl.

Another Future Release trophy, Alpha originates from the video game Cubivore: Survival of the Fittest. But to my knowledge, this creature is not named Alpha in the game. However, my absolute favorite type of trophies are random oddities that don't belong to the more well known Nintendo series or games. I especially love seeing the developers creating these NES/Famicom characters in 3D, using their artwork as a frame of reference or just straight up reimagining some as if they got newer games. They're so damn cool to me, I want more trophies like these. Here are a couple that stand out to me.

Sorry Pit, you'll get your reimagining next game!

Ayumi Tachibana has always stuck out to me the most out of all of these, because she's just a typical Japanese school girl compared to all these strange, but colorful characters. She was also briefly considered to be a playable character, but according to the Smash series director, Masahiro Sakurai, in a NicoNico guest chat interview(?), she was dropped due to a lack of an overseas presence. Poor lass, if only her games came over to the west just before Melee. Perhaps then she would've stood a better chance, unlikely as it may be. I'd love to see how her moveset would've turned out, given she comes from a visual novel adventure game. To close off this post, here are two trophies I think are awesome.

A great lil' guy to give you more fun trivia for how Japan did their own add on that never made it to the west.

And a cute meta reference that makes me super disappointed that later games did not have a Wii, 3DS, or Wii U trophy for their own Smash games. Next time might be the last part of this mini-series. As per usual, to those that have gotten this far, thank you for giving this post the time out of your day/night to read more of my inane ramblings.

[taiblogcomics]

A Bright Start

Hey there, minigun fights. All right, I'd like to do a little experiment here. I'll get to the actual theme of this experiment when we finish! Let's just enjoy the ride 'til then, eh? So then! Well, we've reviewed one marketed-to-girls '80s cartoon-turned-comic series. Why not another one? No, not the one you're thinking of!

Here's the cover:

Yeah! Are you surprised? Did you even know there was a modern Rainbow Brite reboot? This is honestly a pretty good glow-up, transitioning the character from the cute cartoony style to a realistic one without actually losing any of the charm or what made it work. Really good! Love the shading, too! I think the dramatic lighting effects and the nostalgia factor will snag in the readers alone with this one. And the character design is appealing enough that it should hopefully draw in new readers! Hopefully… (This is foreshadowing.)

So we open with a fantasy novel being read. It's not even one of those "in media res" things that leads to a fake-out, you're blatantly shown the novel as it opens. It's your standard "Oh, the evil forces, including a dragon and a skeleton army, are attacking! Who can save the poor peasant people??" And then, of course, two heroes appear! It's Willow, the wizard, and Wisp, the warrior! Magic and melee! Swordfighter and spellcaster! Your classic duo! And as they begin to fight off the vast hordes of evil, Willow can hear her name being called.

See, turns out Willow and Wisp are a pair of kids in standard suburbia. I dunno who's naming their kids "Wisp", but she is a blonde-haired white girl, so it kind of tracks. Maybe it's short for Wispethany or Wispamantha. Anyway, it's Wisp outside yelling for Willow to come play pretend with her. Fittingly, it's wizards and warriors again, so this must be a mutual thing they're into. Willow yells back that it's called LARPing, and Wisp doesn't care, just come play. So Willow goes charging outside, after briefly being waylaid by her strict-seeming parents.

The two friends meet up, and Wisp gushes over Willow's newly finished wizard robe. Wisp also wants to make herself armour, noting she wants to actually learn to forge it. Okay, this kid is definitely cool. The pair head out in the woods to do their pretends, although they don't get too far into it before Wisp gets hungry. So they head back home, do more pretend, and it honestly takes me back to when I was a kid. Both solo and with myself or the neighbour kids, I played a lot of pretend. Eventually, though, it's time for Wisp to go home.

Wisp is dropped off at her house, and her mom is already asleep on the couch, having left a note and dinner for Wisp. Wisp even does her own dishes, brushes her teeth, and is just about to get ready for bed when she hears a noise outside. Despite the rain, Wisp fetches her wooden sword and heads out to see what's banging around. And what she finds is some bizarre, formless shadowy creatures. They've drained all the colour out of her mom's blue car. Undaunted, Wisp readies her blade. And then the creatures notice Wisp is also wearing blue…

They lunge for her, and Wisp slips from their grip and strikes one in the face. They're rather surprised that she's able to both see and hit her, so they begin a chase. Wisp slips off down the street, and while running, she encounters something even stranger than the formless beings. It's a little floating man or creature with white hair, a belt bag, and star-tipped antennae. He introduces himself as a sprite named Twinkle, and at least acknowledges that meeting a sprite is unusual for her. I'm more shocked Wisp can keep up as much conversation as she does while running for her life.

Twinkle gives a bit of an exposition dump that somehow also fails to convey anything: the Guardian of Blue was recently captured, so the King of Shadows has sent his minions to drain blue from anything they can. While it's not immediately useful, it might explain some things. Rather than ditch her shirt and run around topless--which might lead to a very different comic--Wisp asks if there's any other way to stop the minions. Twinkle suggests a bright enough source of white light might fizzle them out, and Wisp gets an idea.

She continues her run down the street, heading for Willow's house. Willow's folks have a security system installed, which includes some automatic floodlights, and she reasons that might be enough to beat back the shadows. Hearing her friend's shouts, Willow awakens and sees what's going on in her yard. Thinking quickly, she uses her LARPing staff to smash the window, which triggers the security system and floodlights. The very bright lights cause the shadows to disappear--and Wisp disappears too! Willow and her parents find the yard empty except for Wisp's sword, and Wisp instead finds herself in a grayed-out landscape as Twinkle welcomes her to Rainbow Land.

Well! As an issue one, this is a great start. Very much the start of any sort of adventure cartoon like I remember in my youth. A kid or two, they encounter a villain's minion encroaching in the real world, they get whisked off (or perhaps, wisped off?) to another world for magical adventures. You've seen it a million times, but honestly, it's a winner of a setup. It two-fold gets you invested in seeing where it goes next.

[stealthnoodle]

We're Fucking That Fish Again: Let's Play Tears of the Kingdom

It's getting hot in here (by which I mean I cleared the Fire Temple and found the Zoras.)

Well, it's happened. I've caved. I'm doing the goddamn Fire Temple. I hope you're happy, big son.

…And now I've DOUBLE caved. I'm wearing fireproof pants instead of my cute puffy pink ones. Don't look below my waist. Avert your eyes from my leggy shame:

(I will never cave on my fancy hat and bare chest.)

I get the sense that I'm subverting some puzzles in the Fire Temples with my sheer determination to scale every wall and swim up through every ceiling, but it's my prerogative to work harder, not smarter, okay

At this point Yunobo's unshakeable belief that the thing-in-Zelda's-body is in peril and requires rescuing is extremely funny to me. My boy could see her holding up a bank and be like, "Oh no! We have to save Princess Zelda from that gun in her hand!"

Marbled Gohma is giving me a taste of my own carpet-bombing medicine and I DO NOT CARE FOR IT

Oh fuck when I try to load a bomb arrow it IMMEDIATELY blows up in my face

This boss is a trap set for me, specifically

UGH I had to beat it by WHACKING it with a MELEE weapon like an ANIMAL

Damn, ancestor Goron has a cool mask, too! Like a big ol' toothy fish. I really hope this ends with my ass getting Majora'd. Or a big Good Masks vs. Evil Masks showdown where I get to be a jumbo-sized Fierce Deity. Fly me to the moon, please and thank you

Zelda continues to be the busiest and least temporally deferential time traveler since Lucca Ashtear

I got a fist bump and a gay little thumb ring, which is great, but the latest magatama is on Yunobo's belt instead of in my mouth, and that continues to be bullshit

I'm sorry, this quest is about me convincing people NOT to do their job in their underpants? No one has ever been more poorly suited to a task.

Every time I see Link's natural hair I am briefly disoriented

CAN'T RELATE:

My post-temple wanderings have brought me to the first Zora I've seen all game! I threw some wet fruit at him and learned how to clean up sludge. I'm gonna Captain Planet my way through that shit from now on

EXCUSE ME WHAT AM I LOOKING AT

DID YOU LITERALLY BUILD A STATUE OF LINK RIDING SIDON AND TUGGING ON THE EQUIVALENT OF HIS HAIR

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Holy shit holy shit and the Zora showing it off to me is his fiancée???

Am I being invited to a very wet threeway

Link just spurted all over a statue of himself barebacking her betrothed and she's like, oh, you should go talk to him and then come find me, wink! What is happening

Lol I just found Sidon and apparently the dynamic at play here is more Yona attempting to drum up interest from Sidon by inviting Link into their sex life. I am scarcely exaggerating when I paraphrase Sidon's dialogue as, "Greetings, my beloved friend! My most cherished bosom companion! I have longed after you and rejoice in gazing upon you at last! …Oh, my fiancée? Yes, I suppose I am to be wed. Nice girl, we grew up together, drifted apart, you know how it goes. Anyway, is there literally anything I can do for you, light of my life?"

I am NOT KIDDING:

Bless the devs who chose to carry on Link's fine fish-fucking tradition, they are the horny heroes we need

I have a hit a wall of untranslatable slab so I am zipping off elsewhere

Let the record show that just as I will fall for every assassin disguised as a researcher underground, so will I pick up a suspicious bunch of bananas in a field where bananas can't grow and be shocked when they are an assassin's trap