wilteddreamsofbaldursgate

[adhdfuelednightmare]

Stolitz has become my new hyperfixation and I was just thinking about how we see that Blitz is having just as hard of a time handling their "not a breakup"

Because in that montage where Blitz is forced to relive different traumas or memories of people that he feels he's wronged or hurt - Stolas is in a lot of those memories

As if he can't get those sad red eyes out of his mind, even if they technically weren't in a relationship. Because Stolas meant so much more to Blitz than we're led to think and now we see how he's haunted by those memories. We get to see that Blitz must think that Stolas is one of those good things that he's fucked up again and that's just so sad

[secretwhumplair]

Return

973 words | No Warrior (sequel to Passing winter)

Content | Referenced past trauma

Notes | Big decisions are made!

This is the end of the story, however, unlike with The monster of Lindborough, there are still a bunch of gaps I want to fill sometime :)

For now, this is it, though. I hope you like it! Friendly reminder I have a ko-fi, otherwise I'm also always happy to read you comments even if I'm bad at responding dfjkdkgjh <3

Taglist | @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @castielamigos-whump-side-blog​​ @whump-me-all-night-long @whumpadump1939​​ @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight

@whumpzone @angel-stars​​ @kixngiggles @whumpsy-daisies @yet-another-heathen

@rosesareviolentlyread @cupcakes-and-pain @hollowtreesinhollowwoods @pleasancies @much-ado-about-whumping

@nine-tailed-whump​​ @whump-em @itsleighlove @newbornwhumperfly @tears-and-lilies

@deluxewhump @whump-cravings @wolfeyedwitch @melancholy-in-the-morning @neverthelass

@whumpsday @silent-orchid-lady @everynameistakencarrots @scoundrelwithboba

»I want to go with you.«

This time, it was different. Everything was different, so much so Yves found it jarring he used the same words.

Runar had been right not to let him come last year, of course, he understood that with perfect clarity now; in truth, he had probably understood it then. But when last year, he had been fueled by fear — fear of what would become of him without Runar’s protection and care — as much as what little spark remained of his desire to fight for his people, now?

Now, everything was different.

Runar looked at him for a long moment. They were up at the cliffs, watching the sun set over the seas Runar would sail across soon.

He didn’t need Runar’s permission, really. He almost didn’t feel he did — he simply had to prove his valour like all who joined the warriors. But it seemed courteous to tell his lover first. They had been together — a couple — for months now.

»You’ll have to prove yourself,« Runar finally said, and Yves’ heart hopped at the way he didn’t argue.

»I know.« He smiled up at Runar, squeezed his hand.

»You’re sure, aren’t you?«

Yves nodded, his smile fading. This was a serious decision, and he couldn’t fault Runar for double-checking.

But to his surprise, after a moment, Runar started to grin. »It’s not fair to say I told you so, is it?«

»Heart of a warrior?« He had told him so. And Yves couldn’t believe it, not then. But perhaps it had been true all along.

He grinned back.

* All young folk who wanted to join the warriors had to pass a test of skill — they had to face one of the proper warriors in a fight, one on one. They didn’t have to win, strictly speaking. But all, and their opponent foremost, would judge if they could hold their own. It was a show the whole village came to watch.

It was agreed upon that there was no way Runar would be the one testing Yves. Yves agreed.

And yet Runar couldn’t help but wish it was him when he watched Signy approach him with that mad grin of hers. Some might argue she, too, was too biased in favour of the little thing, but from the way she pranced across the trodden-down grass within the marked circle, Runar had no doubt she wouldn’t be holding back.

Yet Runar knew these very thoughts were what made him so unsuitable. He could only watch, and hope Yves could handle himself as well as his sword.

It lightened his heart a little to hear the cheers from the crowd, as enthusiastic for Yves as for any of the younger kids born and raised here. Truly, this place had become Yves’ home, and even if he was found unfit to be a warrior — yet — he had a whole life ahead of him here.

Runar breathlessly watched the dull practice swords flash and clang, watched the swift steps of the pair on grass. He had watched Yves during his training a few times, and he knew how nimble he had become; he dodged and twisted, let Signy’s sword run off his like water, boldly shot forward like a little wasp.

Yet, Signy caught him on the thigh. It was a sharp hit, and Runar knew it must have hurt. He barely noticed himself jumping to his feet.

Yves scrambled out of the way; Runar couldn’t see his face, and he was desperate to know if he was overcome with the old fear, overwhelmed with memories-

Then Yves dashed forward, diving under Signy’s sword, and nearly got her back before she slid aside, experience and strength on her side. Runar shouted along with the cheers rising from the crowd.

It wasn’t much longer before Signy ended the fight, throwing an arm around Yves shoulder. »Yves!« she shouted, and the crowd picked up the shout, and Runar thought his heart would burst with pride, and with the wild happiness on Yves’ face.

* Yves felt his heart tremble — not with fear, not only — as the ship set sail, carrying him back.

He would go back.

With the sword waiting for him in the deckhouse.

For the moment, once the coast had disappeared from view and the last waves goodbye had been exchanged, there was nothing much to do. They were sailing before a favourable wind, and the new trainees weren’t on the first shift, so they could have a moment to smell the air and get a grip on the excitement fluttering in their hearts. Yves wasn’t much different… and yet, wholly.

He went to stand by the bow. The place brought back memories. Here he had cowered, a year and a half ago, desperate for a mercy he didn’t believe in.

Now, though, he got to look out across the waves the ship cut through under the expert guidance of the sailors, and smile when Runar took his hand.

»Are you alright?«

»Yes.« He watched the water, squeezing Runar’s hand. »It’s… I don’t know how… what it will be like. Over there.«

Runar hummed his compassion. »Whatever happens,« he said quietly, »I’ve got you. We’ve got you.«

»I know.« He leant against Runar. It was true.

The weeks at sea passed uneventfully; once the ship was becalmed for a few days, but not so long as to threaten their provisions; Brandr had taken to ignoring Yves wholly.

But eventually, a faint coastline appeared on the horizon.

The warriors not immediately occupied in guiding the ship towards a quiet beach where they could resupply, and start scouting, grabbed their gear.

Yves stood by the bow, between Signy and Runar, watching the land he had left behind become clearer.

His hand closed around the hilt of the sword Björn had made for him.

He was ready.

[lygma-nygma]

Being a batfam fan is funny because people will make a post like “here’s my headcanon-“ and it’s just something that’s directly canon to the story then post about major canon events and get everything wrong.

[deityofhearts]

idk who needs to hear this but you can use the same spices (tropes, traumas, themes, etc) for multiple ocs without them having the same flavor (they can be vastly different form one another despite having shared or overlapping experiences)!

your oc is a soup and their experiences are just the various spices and ingredients you add for flavor and personality! It’s up to you what spices + ingredients you add and how much you add!

[kindnessoverperfection]

Lately, when I talk about someone I strongly disagree with, I think about my friends.

When I interact with someone who regularly rants about people, and tends to take things in the worst ways (without any attempts at self-reflection or grace), I feel more on-edge. I'm nervous to voice opinions. I'm always over-thinking everything I send them, worried about how they'll receive it.

On the other hand, I feel much safer during conversations where someone is speaking neutrally about those they feel at conflict with. When they feel upset about a situation, but without talking aggressively about the other person. Because I know that if we're ever in a disagreement, or have some sort of conflict or misunderstanding, they won't hurt me or suddenly hate me*.

I used to speak much more aggressively about people. My personality disorders, combined with online toxic environments, were big factors in that. I was stressed and angry constantly, and I felt justified, and I felt afraid and ashamed to respond with anything but anger. But to make a long story short, I had several big painful interpersonal experiences where I realized how my attitude was impacting my friends.

I remember the nervousness in my friends' eyes. I remember the people I've met who are much older and never grew out of that reactive communication style, and I don't want to be that person. I want my loved ones to feel safe around me.

So nowadays, I do my best to speak compassionately (or at least neutrally). Because I want to signal to my friends that I'm not going to be cruel to them, or to automatically believe the worst of them, during a conflict or misunderstanding. I try to vent about situations and my fears instead of people.

I wish I'd realized this before.

*(I discuss splitting in the tags)

[thepersonperson]

I think JJK going on break after the last chapter is a bit cruel. This is nerve-wracking. We still have 3 chapters left and so many things can happen there. 268 feels too good to be true and the title is weird.

I'm not sure what is the right translation and I don't have access to raws. Right now, it's 268 title is "Finale" or "Conclusion" but I heard from someone that it can be also be read as "Curtains".

If it can be read as "Curtains", then it could be a reference to "final curtains". The problem is JJK has its own version of "Curtains", right? Idk what to think.

Gosh I wish it was “Curtains”. The chapter title is 決着 (Kecchaku) which means settlement/conclusion/end.

For example, at the end of an extremely brutal fight in Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Jolyne screams “Kechakuuuuuuu!” (決着ゥゥーーーッ!!) (It's actually a small Jojo meme in the JP fandom.) This got translated as "Game set!"

I love the localization they used for this since that entire battle was like struggling in arcade mode for a fighting game.

Anyways, in the context of JJK, especially since this has been a literal Sukuna Gauntlet and the previous chapter had the “Ringing the bell on a long fight.” editor’s comment, I don’t think there’s an ambiguous way to read Kecchaku. The Curtain/Veil kanji in JJK is 帳 (Tobari). (Though if there’s some fancy wordplay I’m missing please let me know.)

However…I would kneel before Gege if this was an elaborate trick by Sukuna—him giving Yuji delusions of a happy ending only to yank it away last second. It’s very hard to make characters feel familiar but slightly off on purpose for misdirection. That kind of tonal control is something I praise Umineko for. (Dungeon Meshi does it excellently for the shapeshifter scene.)

But that is pure copium I think. Sometimes otherwise good media just fumbles the endings. (Not an example of good media, but I was around for the Secret BBC Sherlock Season 4 Ending meltdown so I’m not too hopeful about a turnaround.) I personally blame the JP work culture/crunch since a lot of modern mangas have rushed endings due to burnout/unfair contracts.

I think the most heartbreaking examples of this phenomenon for me are The Owl House and Moral Orel. Those shows still stick the landing imo, but the creators are very open about how studio interference forced them to condense everything. You can feel that suffocation in the final episodes. Everything is just slightly off and you know it would be better if the creators were allowed their breathing room.

[qoldenskies]

Donnie changes so much from the beginning vs the end of Caged lungs, I cant help but wonder how he'd FEEL if he saw into his future and saw how he turned out/interacted with him…. like how would he react if he saw?

he would not believe it.

the implicit message of the scene above (or not so much, its not super subtle or anything) is "if i was in that situation, if someone hurt me and lied to me so directly and obviously, i would not fall for it." he says this, not knowing that thinking this way is the exact thing that dooms him to being unresisting towards the abuse. i was also kind of drawing a parallel between splinter not seeing anything in big mama and donnie not noticing the obvious signs in his own brothers (in both cases the red flags were RIGHT THERE. from an outside perspective, DUH, especially because in both cases the audience goes into it knowing that the turnout is going to be negative. easy for you to say. easy for donnie to say), even if the context/type of relationship is different, because i love paralleling the boys with their dad and i cant help myself

is it hubris? partially. but more than anything else its this unshakable pride in THEM. donnie feels like he has to earn their love, and always outdo himself, even if logically he knows better, and knows that they're not going to drop him the second he messes up (its why i mentioned bpd coding in the tags, sometimes the mental illness will just do that to you no matter how well you rationalize it). they took advantage of this. donnie's self-worth centers around his family, and their approval is where his confidence is born from, and having his pride in THEM broken is what breaks him.

if you told donnie at any point before CL's events what would happen, he would not believe it. if you told him about the curse, he'd say he knows them well enough to know that something would be wrong, not knowing that even when it happened he DID. the whole time he knew something was wrong. but they twisted it to make him think something was wrong with HIM.

he'd think the very concept would be ridiculous. i think he knows how well his family could break him if they really wanted to, because he knows deep down how fragile he's always been. but the illusion hasn't been shattered, it wouldn't process to him how possible it is. he'd know better. it's his job to know better! he's the smartest, he's not that stupid, wouldn't it be obvious? they wouldn't hurt him like that anyway! not like that! (and deep down he thinks: yes they would. it was only a matter of time.)

but through time travel fuckery (or alternate universe fuckery if we're talking about canonverse) if he actually MET cc!donnie? immediate shock and horror. then probably adoption. this is a version of him that has been reduced down to what's essentially the soft underbelly he works hard to protect, the weakest and most vulnerable parts of himself that he's afraid of speaking just in case his worst fears come true, and once he gets over the initial shock and shame of having to confront this part of himself, he would guard him with his life.

[tossball-stick]

that last kieran analysis drives me particularly insane because ive always thought he was way older than the rest of the fandom seems to. reading fic and people are writing him to be like 19?? like ive always thought he was in his late 20s minimum, possibly up to early 30s. he talks about his time in the army, does that not imply a similar age range to bill? i dont know what got into peoples heads that he would be under 20 in some cases

[skunkes]

unsure how to word this but there is something about having ocs with unsavory events happening in their past where it's like. talking about it, even when asked, seems almost gratuitous and inappropriate. and i'd much rather describe it through the oc themself and/or draw Them saying it. which is like. fitting for the subject matter? like of course its weird to talk about somebody else's business...!

and falls back into humanizing em/exploratory writing and development where u consider the impact of words said/words unsaid/HOW those words are said etc etc

[telesodalite]

With Krok now on my mind, it's reminded me of like, the whole deal of him coping with the loss of his squad by believing they'd just become separated? Because that bit is such a fascinating aspect of his character to me.

It's vague in a way that doesn't totally confirm whether he truly 100% deluded himself, or if he just kept telling himself that to try and distract from the truth and memories he didn't want to face.

(Which, for some reason this pisses Misfire off? Which implies something really interesting there about Misfire and his own coping mechanisms and issues that we don't get much of a peer into unfortunately.)

Anyway, I spent way too long thinking about it when I was reading through the comics. And it's like, did studying battles and strategy play a part in this delusion/lie?

Like, you're a being that lives for millions of years, in the middle of a war spanning those millions of years. So, at some point, surely those battles are going to start to blur together. So you've got that, and then you go and face a frankly horrifically traumatic fight that quite literally rips the people you cared about most, and felt responsible for, apart.

Presumably, Decepticons aren't the greatest at handling shell shock and other such side effects of war. So they just take this freshly traumatized mess of a dude, take him off the front lines and plant him on a warworld to aid the fight from a more comfortable distance.

With all this, the mind is bound to be fickle when faced with such sudden loss and change. But Krok obviously did his job there, or at least he was very knowledgeable on history and tactics beforehand.

Either way, he studied battle after battle, went through records of fight after fight, planned for what's next and reconsidered what had already happened. Hundreds of wins and losses.

So did it get jumbled there? In having a head full of battles, did some of them blur and mix with the one that took everything away from him? In trying to solve the failures of past battles, did he try and find where a victory could've been had against the wreckers that day? Did he find a solution that would've had his squad still whole and alive?

From there, did it slip into delusion, or a desperate lie to keep himself going?

I feel like his "mental health matters" moment was an interesting insight into it and possibly the average soldier's rough outlook on trauma. But it was still very surface level I think, but I guess going too deep into the why's and how's wouldn't have been important until maybe the Scavenger centric comics that uh, never happened :/

[headfullof-ideas]

Unrelated to my HTTYD/The Deep story, but I have a hot-take that might be an unpopular opinion for all the Alpheus fans out there. I like him too, he’s not my super favorite character, but he’s fun to write and work with. HOWEVER, I’ve been thinking, and I came to a conclusion that some people might not agree with.

Alpheus wouldn’t be the best dad. Hear me out.

He’s not the WORST, he’s not abusive, he’s got an idea from Proteus and the Guardians on how NOT to raise a child…but he’s not dad-of-the-year either. He’s not super involved. He’s got paranoia from the Guardians and Lemuria, and a tendency to pry and eavesdrop on business that he has no business knowing. He is a young adult in the show, and would be older as a parent, so he’s grown a bit, but I also don’t really see him going to therapy and fixing a lot of his internalized issues because of a repeated mantra of ‘what if someone breaks into the therapists office and steals all their notes on our sessions, what if it’s over a call and someone plants a bug, that’s something I would do, so why wouldn’t anyone else?” And also, what therapist is going to believe half of the stuff he talks about? Sea monsters aren’t real.

He’s not the worst. He’s not abusive. But he’s not great either. He assumes he knows everything about his kid because he softly stalks them when they’re away from him, maybe reads through their journals or diary when they’re not at home, because he never learned healthy communication skills and just falls back on what he knows to learn about his kid. And if they’re dealing with something bad on the inside, have insecurities or doubts, anything like what he felt with the Guardians, well, he has to know, he’s their dad. But he doesn’t actually talk with his kid about it. He might have some controlling tendencies due to paranoia about the Guardians or the Nektons, or any legal body that he pissed off in his youth coming after him years later, and so he has to know where his kid is at all times, via trackers on their phone, and frequent updates on when or where they are or have left.

He’s half helicopter parent and half barely present at all, because he doesn’t have a good reference for healthy communication and won’t go to therapy for his issues due to stubbornness and paranoia. He assumes the worst about everything, and if his Benthos attracted-to-the-water-like-their-cousins-the-Nektons expresses any interest in the ocean or a field in that area, he shoots it down, because he doesn’t want his past with Lemuria, the Nektons, and the Guardians to catch up to him and land on his kid. Only, he doesn’t tell them this at all, he insists that it’s just for the best. He doesn’t tell his kid anything important, habitually keeps secrets and information from them because in his mind, they deserve to be a kid and not worry about it. Only he can’t tell the difference between actual I’ll-tell-you-when-you’re-older stuff and stuff that actually involves his kid that they should have a say in. He might be slightly controlling, because he wants his kid to have a normal childhood, not like he did, but it twists into him assuming that, as the adult and parent who’s been through everything, he knows how everything will go and so therefore knows what’s best.

He’s not the WORST parent…but I don’t see him being the BEST parent either. He’s got too many issues and not enough like someone who’d go to the necessary lengths to fix those issues for me to think he’d be the best parent.

[coriander-candlesticks]

I'm sick so I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, but I've been thinking about the nature of myths recently as I've been exploring hellenic polytheism.

For context: I'm ex-Mormon. I was raised in the church and, because of that, was taught biblical literalism but in, like, a more subtle way than most? I was raised believing that Adam & Eve and Noah's Ark, etc., were literally true, but that the story of Job specifically was not; I also always knew evolution and the Big Bang to be correct, despite there being a verse in the Doctrine & Covenants (a Mormon-specific religious book) where God apparently told Joseph Smith that the world is 6,000 years old- a passage I didn't know existed until my senior year of high school. I didn't realize I had believed in biblical literalism until I'd left the church, actually.

Now that I'm aware of it, it's a mindset I'm actively trying to combat while I explore Hellenic polytheism. It's definitely been a task to separate the nature of the Gods from their myths, as brutal as they often are. And it's something I've noticed within the community, too, which I think is interesting. It makes sense: Christianity, at least, has had a chokehold on much of the world for a long time, and so many of us have experienced literalism as our first interaction with any sort of holy text (though, of course, Greek myths as a whole aren't that) alongside our first experience with divinity as a wrathful God whose flaws are waved away, or ignored, or twisted into positive attributes. This also means that I'm trying to re-approach several deities with an open mind (Zeus, Hera, and Ares in particular, but many of them to some extent) while also trying to un-condition myself. I was already in the process of doing this, of course, but trying to figure out how to interact with a completely different pantheon has made that especially clear.

It extends to things like prayer and offerings, too. Prayers were very formulaic growing up, even though most of the time there wasn't a strict script to follow. There was always something you ask as part of the prayer, even if it's just 'please help me do better tomorrow' (alongside giving thanks, of course), so trying to craft a prayer without adding *everything* I'm used to including in makes it feel incomplete and, therefore, disrespectful. And daily prayer is something I'm resistant to because of prior experiences with it. I don't want to offend any of the gods by asking for something or asking for too much, especially so early on, and there's always a promised offering the few times I *have* asked. Add worries about exact obedience on top of that and it's proving to be a difficult thing to untangle. And I know that the gods are difficult to offend, figuring out how to do this takes trial & error and that's okay, it'll get better the more I do it, etc., etc.; this is more an issue with my own overthinking than anything else (hooray for ✨ mental health issues ✨). I'm not really asking for advice here, necessarily, just thinking out loud because I'm not comfortable talking to people in meat space about it yet.

[grimalkinmessor]

I think Hawks has a skewed idea of what abuse is and how it generally should affect those in power. As someone who was abused himself, not only by his own parents but further by the Hero Commission, you'd think he would know that what Endeavor did to his family is bad. And I see a lot of people like "He just looks up to Endeavor, he knows Endeavor is trying to change"—

But I don't think Hawks does know that.

Endeavor hasn't specifically said anything like that to him, and Dabi and Shoto also sure as hell aren't singing his praises, so I have to wonder if Hawks just... doesn't register what Endeavor has done as abuse. As something bad. Hawks knows that other people are angry about it, that other people see it as something bad—but I don't think he views it that way himself.

This comes back to the fact that Hawks himself is abused. Granted, he doesn't act like it. The differences eclipse the similarities between Hawks and someone like Dabi, because from what we've seen, Hawks seems to harbor absolutely NO bitterness towards his family or the HPSC at all. Which is fucking weird.

The Hero Commission bought a child from his family, trained him vigorously from a young age, and monitor what he says and does closely. Hawks even says in S5E3, "That's mean, making it sound like a choice when we all know it's not". They took Hawks' desire to be a hero and turned it into a chore. And though Hawks has expressed a desire to slow down and take things at his own pace, he also doesn't seem willing to go as far as one would think for it.

He doesn't see the Commission as something to revamp or take down, and whether this is because Hawks is content to use them for his own goal or because he's just painfully optimistic like Midoriya is remains to be seen.

For some reason, Hawks is not being written as a victim OR a mindless soldier, even though Horokoshi has canonically dropped hints that the Commission turned Hawks into a child soldier. He didn't even go to school and yet he doesn't have any will to go against the Commission. He doesn't think for himself. He recognizes the people around him and their need for help, but doesn't seem to realize he needs help.

I wonder if that will be a plot point in the coming arc. I wonder if it will come up when he and Dabi are pitted against one another again on the same battlefield as Endeavor.

[cervideity]

[texeoghea]

i found my sketchbook guys. returning to my roots

[absolutelybatty]

It's fun being unable to tell if I have religious trauma or if I worry about hell the normal amount