#they ill try to understand what you’ve said—whether the quality is good or bad

[mxtxfanatic]

I’m making a PSA for all my English-as-second-language followers/engagers: stop apologizing to me for your English. Stop apologizing to me for your English. I promise you that you type in English a lot more legibly than I do in any other language. I promise you that you type in English a lot more legibly than some people who have only ever known to speak, read, and write in English. And if they have the confidence to communicate in English regardless of and unapologetic about the quality of it, then so should you!

Also, all of y’all sound great. I have never interacted with a single person in this fandom yet who used English as a non-native language who I couldn’t understand. Y’all are already doing great!

[kob131]

My Thoughts on Certain RWBYtubers

Just gonna post this here to make this stuff known. I could also be completely wrong here. Go ahead and correct me if I’m wrong.

Fatmanfalling: I hate his videos. They are far too long with him just repeating the same fucking points over and over again. I would almost think they are long on purpose to make them hard to debunk as going through an hour and a half and debunking it point by point or analyzing it enough to properly condense it down is really hard.

But to be honest, I have a history with the guy. If you’ve seen that screenshot of his of a guy arguing about quality- that was me. I was not very mature when I began arguing in this fandom. I don’t really regret fighting him (he’s still a dumbass) but that doesn’t make what I did right.

Celtic Phoenix Productions: Maybe Fixing RWBY could be something if he would do something brave for once, remove all elements of RWBY and just go full on original. The lore and history videos could make something. But so long as it’s attached to RWBY as ‘RWBY but better’ it will never be anything but an inferior RWBY. Because to be something but better you have to conform to its niche because that defines what a piece of media is. 

That’s why something like Berserk and TTGL can be so vastly different but still be great- they try to achieve different things. But with Fixing RWBY, it’s like Netflix’s Death Note and the original- doesn’t matter what qualities the first may have, it’s reliant on fulfilling the second and fails because it can’t. And I don’t think Celtic has enough humility to acknowledge that.

Calxyin: Her voice and demeanor give me a headache. Not likee one of frustration or hate but one of ‘your voice is too high and you’re too peppy’. I don’t talk about her much because it’s literally painful for me.

MuffinManDan: No idea if he’s still around but whether he’s positive or negative- I do not like him in the slightest. Unlike the others I mentioned or will mention where I can at least believe that they geniunely mean what they say, MuffinManDan’s actions proved to me he didn’t believe a word he said. He would misrepresent what the show said, what I said and what he said just to look good. And the moment it became more profitable for him to praise RWBY, he did just that.

MMD doesn’t even have what little credit I can give others.

Vexed Viewer: Vexed is what happens when you treat blatantly false crap as the second coming of Christ. His video tend to only work if you already agree with him or have no understanding of how media works. Seriously, his ‘Stupid For The Sake Of The Plot” videos break in half when you remember human error.  

There was also that time where Vexed tried saying that Pietro putting part of his Aura in Penny and then calling her daughter was creepy...despite that being a common trope in man creating self aware creation stories. He also brought up race in that. Which...I have no idea how to interpret that as anything but racist. ... Moving on.

Unicorn of War: Political asshat who started sucking off the show when he felt pandered to (Bumbleby) and then stopped for whatever reason. His videos are also pretty simplistic and ill thought out whether good or bad. Also, he made Ciel Pietro’s daughter in his Volume 8 rewrite because, and I quote, ‘There’s the issue of a black man making a white girl as the default.’

... Remember when Monty said there was no Asia? I miss those days...

Hero Hei: Take everything I said about MMD, invert the flip about RWBY and add in clickbait and political bullshit. That’s HH.

Judgemental Critter and Twiins Iink: Grouping these two together-

Twiins Iink made a video about Adam stans not moving on, which is a stance I agree with...then made me play defense for them by how bad the video was. And Critter once said that scene of James in V7 E2 where he strides up to Oscar, thinking he’s Ozpin and clearly desperate for his leader...was ‘Dad energy’.

... And this is their average.

Overall- You should really just look for RWBY channels under 1k subscribers. They’re not likely to be super dumb or selling you what you want to hear.

[ask-asexual-crystal-gems]

What's a common thread between ADHD and the asexuality spectrum? The answer might surprise you.

A while back, an ADHD user said in response to my question, “how did mindfulness exercises go?” a single word, “dissociation.”

It was only long after I had replied, that I had to remind myself that people think of dissociation as a scary thing.

I had to remind myself that a psychotherapist I once knew was pretty unorthodox, and gave me perspective on the matter that defused all the mysteriousness and internalized socialized discomfort surrounding it, which is ultimately rooted in both fear of the unknown or unfamiliar, and maybe a little bit of stigma, too.

Naturally, I do not talk about these sorts of things with general people IRL, so newly having a ‘conversation’ online about it did not jostle my awareness of others’ attitudes like it probably should have.

Things like anxiety and ADHD are, let’s say, more “ordinary” neurodivergences. (remember, the word applies to ALL mental illnesses, also, not just traits. Many don't consider most cases of ADHD an 'illness,' nor a lot of presentations of autism)

Those are more "ordinary." They don’t mash that “this is weird” button, so much as simply “this is very unpleasant.”

But dissociation can be the former, and not the latter.

Let me back up and explain that a bit.

People see dissociation as undesirable.

But why is it, you should ask.

Leave aside questions of physical safety. I’m just talking about sitting down somewhere, and there is no risk to you.

In the typical view, it’s not just another operation the brain can do, or an altered mind state, as we discussed it, rather, it is somehow considered a “bad” outcome.

When, ironically, for many forms of mind training, which we’ll put under the umbrella term “meditation” for simplicity’s sake, the end goal is a type of on-command dissociative state.

Whether you are internalizing your attention, externalizing your attention, or just trying to get that danged mind chatter to shut up for once and give you some peace, whichever way you are sliding along that scale, there is always the route open to you to pursue this ultimate peace.

So this person, who was trying out mindfulness?

Think, if you switched all the aircraft cockpit switches to check if everything was lighting up correctly. But instead of being an experienced pilot, you had no idea what would happen once you started testing everything out.

Accidentally withdrawing your physical senses, and seeming to distance your “self” from your body, which experienced practitioners do without batting an eye, (pun intended) would seem like a dysfunction rather than a built-in feature.

Quieting those areas of the brain dedicated to sense perception is quite a lovely experience, when you are educated on it, do it on purpose, and expect it.

Whereas anxiety is almost never a positive experience, unless it’s not really overwhelming or potent, and you’ve 'reframed' it such that it’s exciting, like any other adrenaline junkie bender.

The milder forms of dissociation, termed depersonalization or derealization, that seem to be quite common among asexual people, are also often considered as a negative thing, instead of just the current, value-neutral state of mind, which is trainable.

A much more common and even milder form happens when we sink into routine. Ever had a stretch of weeks on a job where you look back and you feel like you were sort of “automated”? Like you weren’t really present? You’re somehow a little surprised that that much time has passed?

That “time dilation,” accompanied also sometimes by a distorted sense of chronological sequence happens a lot with ADHD people, regardless of circumstances, but most everyone in the populace has experienced it at some point, barring perhaps the super privileged who have never been forced into a literally “mind numbing” job.

Maybe you’ve also experienced the sensation where you get into a car, perhaps when you’re on a familiar route you’ve driven a thousand times, or especially on long road trips, and you seem to zone out and lose time.

The brain is pretty good at conserving energy.

This is what she tells her patients, to calm their sympathetic nervous system. It circumvents that distress, that health-sapping stress response to this ultimately harmless “weird” experience, vastly improving their quality of life:

Dissociation is a continuum- many forms of it are common. Not some super strange thing corralled in a small corner of the sum total of human experience.

“Reframing” these things is essential to attaining incrementally improved mental health.

Clearing away all the internalized judgement, the feelings of wrongness, etc.

Just one more step out of the norm.

Just another neurodivergence.

It is conceptualized as unnerving when it happens suddenly and sharply, though, because it is so different from “ordinary” everyday experience.

The same way one person who hasn’t been around dogs much might react to a large dog barking with fear, and another person standing next to them having the exact same experience, trained and knowledgeable in recognizing true aggression versus excitement or mild warning, would not feel threatened.

Yes, having that particular toggle out of your grasp may be annoying and to those not given this perspective, frightening. (And if other personalities are involved, that gets much more complicated!!) But, consider. One of my mentors said calmly once, that she lost time for, say, 10 or 15 minutes while sitting down quite regularly, and felt very recharged and energized afterwards. It’s not exactly like sleep, because there’s not that head nodding and relaxation of muscles. Almost instantly gone, and instantly aware again, not that feathery transition as happens when drowsing or gradually falling asleep.

I hypothesize to her that this had probably started up because she’s involuntarily dropping into a deep delta or theta brainwave state for a bit, because that’s what she does in ‘brain entrainment’ recordings. (The frequencies are very good for relaxation when you're anxious and have a hard time unwinding yourself, others are good for focus during studying, and are therefore used by ADHD people) Unless she wants to pay some big lab to measure her neuron firing frequency though, there’s no way to tell for sure. The point is, that she directly benefits from this ‘taking a break’ from thinking. She is not bothered in the least by her mind occasionally saying, ‘you know what, I’m overwhelmed right now, gonna switch off for a bit.’ When someone gives their mind this permission to pause from its worries and senses, each the internal and external input, sometimes this is the outcome. It is not a problem to her whatsoever that this toggle occasionally moves of its own accord.

People are afraid of what they don’t understand.

But she understands it.

People are afraid of new experiences.

But to her, it’s old hat. On an MRI, each of the parts of the brain dedicated to the senses dim. Occipital lobe for sight, temporal lobe for hearing, etc.

If I were brushed up on the neuroanatomy of this process better, I could also name the parts dedicated to internal imput that would grow dimmer as she entered that state. Heck, they study this stuff so much, when interviewing meditation practitioners and testing for stuff like blood flow changes as their attention shifts, those images probably already exist.

Dissociation is not a mysterious thing.

It serves a purpose.

It’s your brain’s ‘energy saver’ mode.

Or in some cases, ‘recharge.’

So, to the person who argued that ADHD people should be cautious about using mindfulness? I must ask again, why?

Why would you forgo the benefits? Why would they tell others to do so??

Usually the main reasons dissociation causes problems, that aforementioned therapist says, is that people are overloaded to the point where it happens not when they’re relaxed, and can daydream or drift, but randomly when there’s too much pressure in their lives.

The fear response to it is just like any other overactive fear response or phobia- with time and therapeutic work, they are all resolvable.

/////////

#this post is NOT about dissociative identity disorder #only mentioned it in passing to separate it from the discussion

[scripttorture]

Hey! My character is made into an experiment by the government due to him having a supernatural ability. The one who handed him over was his partner, who has been a part of that organization all along. He is usually a very confident person, powerful and extroverted. I'm not sure how his mental state is supposed to change? I don't feel like the whole loosing their will to live and becoming incredibly depressed thing would fit him as a person. How could I still show that the torture effects him?

There isn’t a sure fire answer to how any one person will change when they’re tortured. We know the possible symptoms, but most people won’t experience every possible symptom and we don’t have a way to predict who gets what.

 There’s a post that talks about the possible symptoms over here.

 Here’s the thing though: there is a lot of variety in survivors, in the symptoms they get and the way they personally express those symptoms. Some people do become suicidal. Some people do become depressed. And some people do lose their faith in humanity.

 But there is not one universal survivor experience.

 This means that there’s a big range in realistic responses. It also means that as a writer you actually have a lot of options. You should be picking 3-5 symptoms from the list of possible options, but the list has 14 things on it and some of those things can manifest in multiple ways.

 I think that, since we can’t predict symptoms, the best thing you can do as a writer is pick symptoms based on what you feel fits your character and story best.

 Depression and suicidal thoughts don’t do that, so let’s have a look at some of the others.

 Memory problems are incredibly common in real survivors and are almost never portrayed accurately in fiction. You can read about the four basic types here.

 I’d really encourage you to use one of these if you feel it fits your story. They create a lot of interesting narrative challenges for the character and they can make for really good emotional/introspective moments. If for instance you want to explore self-doubt giving the character memories he later finds out are inaccurate could feed into that, leading to him questioning whether he ‘really’ was betrayed.

 General forgetfulness (ie low level difficulty forming memories) can give the character a lasting disadvantage in everyday life, creating a much more traditional injury-recovery arc as he tries to find adaptions to this new normal.

 Intrusive memories, when handled well, can help create a deeper connection between the reader and the character. Because it lets you create situations where the character’s mood flips in an instant, the other characters don’t understand why but the readers do.

 Memory loss can be trickier, mostly because it’s rarely handled well in fiction. It doesn’t effect older memories, such as childhood memories, the person’s name etc. It almost never effects memories of torture itself. But it does effect other aspects of the time they’re held, the period prior to capture and sometimes a few weeks after release. It’s a distressing and disorientating experience and it’s a good pick if there’s any sort of investigation or prosecution.

 Because memory problems (especially memory loss and inaccurate memories) are a big part of why torture trials are really hard to conduct. Having the character find that he doesn’t actually remember the crucial details and watching the process of people trying and failing to help him, that can be a really powerful addition. It’s also a good way to form a rift between him and his friends without depression or having him lose faith in others. It gives a reason for any distance between them, even if it’s an emotional rather then logical reason.

 Read through the masterpost and really think about whether any of these memory problems could fit your story.

 Narratively speaking memory problems don’t link the character’s personality but they do have a strong impact on plots and sub-plots. Memory loss, inaccurate memories and intrusive memories will all effect the character’s emotional arc and sense of self. They can also throw up barriers for the character.

 He might be missing a couple of crucial details about his life before he was snatched. He might have some key details about how and where he was snatched wrong. Think about how those sorts of problems could feed into your plot, because they can add interesting conflicts and challenges.

 Chronic pain is also incredibly common in torture survivors and it often doesn’t have a single cause. Back, muscular and joint pain are particularly common.

 It can lead to a character seeming angry, unapproachable, anti-social or like they have a hair-trigger temper. It can also make it seem as though they have really bad mood swings or a short temper.

 This can lead to interesting character moments as non-survivors struggle to empathise with an ‘asshole’ while the survivor is struggling to express the fact they’re in physical pain. It can also lead in to discussions of disability and the way we treat invisible disabilities in society.

 It can also often be improved by, again, life style adjustments and sometime medication.

 If you wanted to use addiction as a symptom then chronic pain is a common reason behind addiction in survivors. Essentially they start taking more and more powerful pain medications in order to try and feel ‘normal’.

 Chronic pain doesn’t always lead to addiction though. Making good, consistent life style adjustments (using a mobility aid, being able to sit instead of having to stand for long periods and so on) can help keep pain at manageable levels allowing a healthy relationship with pain medication.

 Insomnia is another really common symptom in survivors. This basically means the character is always at least slightly sleep deprived. Which has knock on effects on absolutely every part of a person’s life.

 You can read about the effects of sleep deprivation here.

 I’d suggest thinking carefully about what you need the character to do before using this one. It might sound counter intuitive but a character with disabling chronic pain is probably more capable of the occasional bout of superheroics then a chronically sleep deprived character is.

 Insomnia caused by mental illness is also notoriously difficult to treat. Medication for the mental health problems survivors tend to have makes it harder to sleep and reduces the quality of sleep. Medication to ‘make’ people sleep often decreases the quality of sleep, when it works. It does not work for everyone.

 Essentially don’t treat insomnia as an ‘easy’ option with less impact on the character. It impacts every part of a person’s life, making them more likely to get sick, slower to react, more emotionally volatile and less able to learn/remember everything.

 There are so many things that insomnia effects that- well I find it easiest to think of it as a permanent lowering of ability across all categories. This does not mean that a character automatically becomes incapable of things; it means they are worse at them then they were before.

 If they were already really good at something then other people might not notice the difference. But the character himself will. Which can have a knock on effect on self esteem.

 Any of the things I’ve mentioned can result in social isolation. Because survivors can come across as aggressive, volatile and inconsiderate which can lead to people… avoiding them. Especially when other characters don’t have a good understanding of mental illness or experience dealing with trauma survivors. (Having said that, remember that a pretty significant proportion of the population experiences mental health problems at some point in their life. Think about how likely experience vs ignorance is, rather then assuming one or the other.)

 Isolation exacerbates pre-existing mental health problems.

 And any combination of the above symptoms make up the frame work of any long term personality change. For instance you describe this character as confident and capable: if he gets multiple forms of memory problems does that impact his confidence in certain areas? And if it does how does he cope with that? It could be by expressing his self-doubt but it could also be by taking a more passive role within a group, letting others take the lead instead of stepping in.

 I have an old ask over here that goes through how I pick symptoms for a character and how I vary them depending on the sort of plot I have in mind.

 Wrapping up, I think that we make these symptoms individual when we consider how the symptoms interact and what that means for the character.

 Depression does not have to mean someone looks overtly miserable. It can look like nausea, like struggling to eat and sleep, like being quieter in social situations. It can feel like going through life disconnected from the world, not so much the presence of misery as the absence of joy.

 You’ve listed these characteristics; confidence, power, extroverted and survivors can hold on to all those things. As always the central point is nuance. Because that confidence probably won’t be completely unshaken anymore, that extroversion might not be effortless anymore, his relationship with that power could change.

 The character might have developed a lot of self doubt and, though it’s a struggle, continue to make firm ‘confident’ decisions because he feels that’s important either to himself or to everyone else. It could be a way of him showing that he’s still ‘strong’, that he survived, that he can still support the other characters.

 The character could still be extroverted and depending on the symptoms you pick socialising might be harder, it could take up more energy. He might be hiding the cost from his friends. Or, another common way it plays out, is that he could just come across as… a lot more inappropriate: making dark ‘jokes’ that non-survivors don’t find funny, having obvious mood swings that make others uncomfortable. You get the idea.

 Torture does change people. But those changes are unpredictable and they often don’t look like we expect.

 Our fiction often tries to use depression and suicidal ideation as an excuse to turn survivors into passive objects. They are not.

 One of the things that stood out to me the more I looked at prominent survivors was anger. Because yes, despair is possible, common even. But so is spite and vitriol and rage. So is determination.

 There is more then one way to be powerful. Confidence does not need to be unshakable to be real.

 In essence: you are aiming for an understandable change in what is already there, not an excision of the characteristics you’ve already established.

 As a final note you might want to take a look at the masterposts I have on medical experiments (which you can find here and also here.) It’s worth deciding whether you want to show unethical but genuine experiments, or torture. You can have a look through the tags on unethical experimentation and pseudo-scientific torture for more information.

 I hope that helps. :)

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[atheistforhumanity]

Hi. Sorry if this is a bit long, I would totally understand if you don't want to respond to this. So, I live in a very religious country, questions are immoral and we must follow said religion dearly or else. I have only recently begun reading about atheism and so far I feel my beliefs in religion are falling apart. I am no longer convinced of the religion, I am not sure sure if there is a god but i no longer care. However, there is one argument for religion that I just can't seem to respond to that is how do we get a sense of purpose and have a (objective) value system without religion. Without religion, we start lacking purpose because life doesn't matter and when we die nothing happens, so what's the point? With religion however, there is a sense that we were created by a god, who created us for an important reason and it's our purpose to discover that destiny and fulfill it. And without religion, we have no objective set of values, we merely rely on a subject ever changing world view. Like say with lgbt rights. I could say that everyone should do what they want as long as they are not harming others or themselves and that's why I believe that lgbt people should do whatever they want. But, someone might view it as harmful to others or the people in said relationships. So our values are subjective. With religion however, we can just refer to the rule book and that's it. While multiple religions have different set of values, they can still help communities agree on their values. So my question, in a world that lacks religion, how can we have consistent morals and identify our sense of purpose and reason for existence. Thank you.

Anon, thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts with me. I appreciate when anyone seeks my opinion. Thank you. 

You’ve brought up some important topics that many people struggle with. As you have said, I’ve heard many people say that confusion in these areas are most responsible for them being unsure of what they believe. Hopefully after this post you’ll gain some clarity and be able to make a new assessment. 

What is Our Purpose?

I often hear from people that a sense of purpose is their main reason for sticking with religion, even when they have doubts. The religious often flaunt their idea of purpose as an unmatched quality only they can provide. So here is a different way of approaching this question.

When a religious person asks me how to know their purpose, I first point out that they are assuming that we are meant to have a purpose or that an objective purpose is a requirement of life. Many people try to figure out life through the lens of what is meant to happen, but I believe this is misguided. We think this way because our minds seek order and finite understanding of the world around us. Therefore, we assume that we must be meant to do something. 

However, I submit the cold reality of our existence. We are the results of millions of years of evolutionary change on 1 planet out of many, many trillions. Our form of life does not have any objective purpose, because our creation was not planned or orchestrated. This is an idea religious people have a hard time grasping. That what exists was not crafted, constructed, or produced from a greater mind. All evidence points the fact that we are the result of trillions of random occurrences over billions of years. 

If you let go of the assumption that we were purposefully created, then you can let go of the idea that we require an objective purpose. After all, the idea that were created by an intelligent force has no evidence to support that view. There is no evidence to support the existence of a god. There is no evidence to support the idea that we innately have purpose. 

This is not a bad thing. Many people often dive immediately into the lake of hopelessness, saying that nothing matters without purpose. I reject this idea entirely. It is short sighted to say that if my life is not eternal then nothing I do matters. A nihilist says this while existing in a world wide society of billions of people where we see, feel, and know pain and happiness by our actions and the actions of others. We are all aware of well documented history where single figures have had profound world changing effects for good and evil. To put it simply, every action has a consequence, and regardless of how you feel about that consequence, since it undeniably miniscule to profound effects on others that live, it cannot be said that it does not matter. Not when we are creatures of wants, needs, and desires. No, to say that our actions don’t matter is an absurdity. 

Where Do We Get Our Values? 

I say that your actions matter for the fact that they have consequence. But how do we know what is right and wrong, or what those terms even mean without an objective guide?

I have a few things to say on this topic. The first is that the Bible or Quran do not actually set objective morals. Without getting into too much detail, we must recognize major contradictions in the holy books. Rules are set, such as thou shall not kill, but the rules are also broken very quickly and without remorse. Both God/Allah kills and murders on a whim, and on a mass scale. Both God/Allah instruct their followers to kill and slaughter. The morals given by these holy books are purely subjective because they only apply when they say they apply. For instance, rules against not enslaving your neighbors meant exactly that, don’t enslave other Jews, but you can enslave others. 

More importantly, these morals change and progress over time as society challenges the old ideas and ushers in new thinking. No Christians or Muslims live under the exact moral law as set down at the dawn of the religions. ISIS is an example of an attempt to do so. So these religious morals are not actually accepted as objective by the people. 

Second, religion only claims that their morals are object and cannot prove this claim. It takes very little critical thinking to know that one would rather live in America under secular law than any location in 12th Century Europe when religion controlled laws and morals virtually 100%. Every religion has a different set of morals that they claim is objective, yet none can show themselves to be better than another. More importantly, none can show themselves to be as moral as what secular philosophy has produced, which gives the Western world freedom and liberty like the world has never seen. 

As for the idea that it would be easier to follow a “rule book” whether that be the Bible, the Quran, or the teaching of Buddha the same could be said for any other moral philosophy. Society would be simple if we committed ourselves to Utilitarianism completely, but we cannot say it would be better. Our experience across the globe has bore out the simple truth that adopting eclectic laws in an environment where they can always be challenged and improved on is the best model the world has ever seen. There are still theocracies in the world and millions of people from around the globe do not flood to immigrate there. 

Not All Opinions Are Equal 

Once we remove the idea of objective morality, people often go straight to the idea that nothing can be determined because there will always be differences of opinion. They think that without objectivity set by a higher power that no idea can be proven wrong. This is just not true. There is a universal prohibition against murder. Regardless of the fact that some people find it acceptable, by virtue of intellect and practical application it is undeniable that forbidding murder is the best choice for all societies. 

Here we take our first steps toward a new idea of objectivity. Ideas are not objective because of their source, but rather by their merit and application. Universal agreement is not required for an idea to be objectively true. For instance, many people believe the world is flat, but this is objectively false. Morals work the same way. Murder is objectively wrong, but there are still criminals that take it up for sport or work. The fact that someone is too ignorant to see a truth does not mean it is not true. 

Let’s look at the issue of lgbtq people specifically. I wrote another post explaining why the American medical community ended its stance that homosexuality was a mental illness. For much of the 20th century in America, homosexuality was considered to be an illness and a moral wrong. This changed when the American Psychological Association actually started researching homosexuality and could not show any evidence that it caused harm of any kind. 

What if someone says that being gay is harmful to the person? Well, since we’ve found no justification for this, such a person is left with this argument. Homosexuality is bad, and therefore homosexuality is harmful because it’s bad, and it’s bad because it’s harmful. This is a perfect example of circular reasoning. 

While it is not always easy to tell who is right or wrong in a debate, we have developed knowledge of faulty arguments such as circular reasoning, and we know objectively that they are not valid. No matter how many people do not understand this or refuse to accept this is irrelevant. Circular reasoning will never prove anything, no matter how emotionally charge people are over the issue.  

Conclusion

I hope that you take some time to think about these ideas and apply them to the questions you’re wondering about. In short, I believe that religion attempts to create a false need in the mind of society to confirm itself as the answer. We are fully capable of living full, productive, and moral lives without religion in our life or society in anyway. 

[yeojaa]

SUGAR HIGH, chapter ix. (w. JJK)

You're not entirely sure when it happened, though you'd come to terms with it. You'd counted the days, waiting for the inevitable. You'd truly thought you'd be okay, but by the broken, half-beating thing in your chest - you knew you'd never really been prepared.

alt summary.  You thought you’d known real love and maybe you had - it just wasn’t with who you thought.

pairing.  jeon jungkook.  mentions/involvement of ot7.

tags.  angst, break up, post-break up, comfort, OT7, slow burn, friendship, moving on, hurt/comfort, emotional hurt/comfort, emotional baggage, fluff, canon compliant, jeon jungkook is bad at feelings, jeon jungkook is a good friend, jeon jungkook is a sweetheart.

rating.  general (for now?)

word count.  ~2250

chapter 9.  No Limit in the Sky

You should've had I love you stamped on your forehead in bright red ink.

You still think he's joking when you find your words.

How had he even had a chance to ask?  You'd been standing right there as he and Hoseok had chatted, the former thanking the idol for dropping by the class.  The spots were always filled right away, he'd said.  People just wanted the chance to see him in person.

"What?"  It's smaller than you mean, and flat.  You're not quite sure how you feel.

"He messaged me when we were on the way back."  The carrots are done and he's moved onto slicing green onions, thin fingers gliding the edge of a knife through the ends.  "He's really nice, but I didn't give it to him. I wanted to ask you first."

"Well, um."  The flesh of your cheek aches, you realize.  You've been chewing it with a vigor you can't control.  Nervous habit.

"I don't think that's really appropriate." 

Your eyes snap to the new voice, surprise colouring your expression and slipping into the fall of your mouth.  Taehyung's carding a hand through his hair, smoothing it away from his forehead uselessly before it's fallen right back into place.  "She's probably not ready for something like that and it's not fair to put that pressure on her."

You're not sure whether you want to kiss or thank him, so you remain silent instead, lips pursed.  Jungkook's thumb taps gently against the side of your face - a reminder to stop biting your cheek before you can't eat dinner.  You stop almost immediately, hand of your own reaching to hold his own delicately.

"Hyung's right," your best friend chimes. All three scowl - who's he referring to?  "She'll never say no, but she'll be uncomfortable."

"I'm right here, you know." You finally huff, growing annoyed by the way they're all talking about you as if you weren't right there. You knew they were only looking out for your best interests - which, in some ways, they knew better than you did - but it was frustrating nonetheless. 

Neither man seems bothered by your reproach, Taheyung already turning his back to peek around Seokjin's shoulder.  On the other hand, Jungkook squeezes your fingers once, twice, three times.  A silent apology dating back a decade.  

Mi-an-hae.  One squeeze for each syllable.

"You can give it to him."  You ignore the surprise written in the faces you can see and can only imagine the expressions on those you can't.  "But maybe just tell him I've just gotten out of a relationship?  I don't want him to expect anything."  Or hurt me so soon after, you don't say.

Hoseok's the only one seemingly perfectly okay with the idea.  "Okay, I will."

At the dinner table, surrounded by the most rambunctious men you've ever met in your life - it's chaos.

Hoseok and Namjoon are laughing about something in between bites, the former's eyes disappearing when the latter says something particularly funny, dimples on full display.  

Further down the table, Yoongi has the largest pile of skewers beside his bowl.  In fact, you don't think you've seen him put down his chopsticks the entire time.  He's been happily munching away, engrossed in the salty, fatty goodness while his members have indulged in conversation around him. 

Two seats away, Taehyung is quietly shovelling food into his mouth, only ceasing repetitive motions when Jimin is proposing a toast.  It had started reasonably  - to Bangtan, to ARMY, to our families - but it had since descended into madness.  Now, he was chanting about mini race cars and the high quality meat of tonight's meal, prompting Seokjin to join in. 

"I think you need to catch up."  You're swallowing around a mouthful of rice before speaking, wiggling your eyebrows at your best friend.  While it seemed everyone was enjoying themselves, he'd been curiously taciturn.  At first, you'd chalked it up to him just being hungry - as he always was - but you weren't so sure anymore.  That worried you more than it should.

You'd known him for so long you considered him the other half of your whole.  With that came an innate understanding of each other - or so you thought. 

"I've had more than them."  The two empty soju bottles beside him are raised for your inspection.  "I'm just better at holding my liquor.  I'm JK, after all."  He's mirroring your earlier expression, eyebrows disappearing into fluffy strands.  "Why - are you trying to get me drunk so I spill all my secrets?"

You laugh at that, reaching your free hand up to gently assault his chin.  "Maybe.  You never know what you could be hiding from me!"

That I love you.

Because that's exactly why he isn't indulging in the way his hyungs are, carefree as can be in the comfort of their own home. 

He's already spent the better half of his life fighting the feeling.  As he sits there, warmth of your thigh pressed to his beneath the table, he has to claw back the words that threaten to spill forth.  He has to make a concentrated effort to not linger too long on your lips or the pretty blush that soaks your cheeks in pink.  He wishes he could leap headlong into the sound of your laughter that curls like the peel of a Christmas orange and sinks into his senses. 

Would you take it well?  Would you be shocked and leave?  Or would you be the thing he most feared - contrite, apologetic, as you tore his heart in half? 

Losing you would be one thing but pity - that would destroy him.

So, instead, he scowls at you, nose wrinkling in that patented Jungkook way, and shoves a carefully constructed wrap of goodies into his mouth.  He chews languidly, staring you down the bridge of his nose, and you're a second away from squeezing his cheeks.  

"I don't hide things from you."  He says it simply, dismissively, once he's swallowed.  You hated when he talked with his mouth full.

"I know.  I was kidding."

Maybe it's just the alcohol talking or the devil on your shoulder that speaks so sweetly you can't hear anything else.  There's a ringing in your ears and a soft, fuzzy feeling like you're looking through a snow globe.  You know you're not drunk - far from it - in fact - but there's a pleasant buzz coursing through your body, every nerve lit up like a Christmas tree. 

It's the way Jungkook's looking at you, like he can see right through you.  Could he?

You try not to wilt under his stare, suddenly feeling far too warm.  Fingers twist and turn in your lap, chopsticks and shot glasses long forgotten.  Should you get up?  Surely, he feels this too, electricity crackling between you like a live wire surging from the tips of your fingers to the balls of his feet.  If he can't feel that, then it must be evident in the careening pitch of your laugh, strange even to your ears.  You were so terribly, miserably obvious.

You should've had I love you stamped on your forehead in bright red ink.

But if he does, he says nothing, finally tearing his gaze from yours.  He rises from his seat, holding up empty bottles in a universal question and chuckling to himself when no one reacts.  Except you, that is, but he can't look at you again.  Not right now, when his heart is hammering so hard in his chest he's afraid it's going to burst out like some terrible cartoon sketch. 

"Do you want some help?"  You're offering softly, hopefully, with no ill-intent.  But it burns him to his core, because your words are like a melody he'd listen to forever, a siren song he'd gladly drown for.  Don't you know what you do to him?

Jungkook's halfway to the kitchen before he's answering.  "No, I'm good."

You spend the rest of the evening weightless, feeling like you're floating on cotton candy clouds.  It's a curious sensation but nonetheless welcome.  Anything to distract you from the thoughts that have chosen to make a home of your head, pervasive notions that flit around your mind like an irksome fly.  Why was he the only thing you could think about now, of all times?  Why hadn't you had half a decade to break these dreams into fairy dust?

Oh wait - you had.

Because these were the same daydreams you'd carried with you since you'd realized that maybe, just maybe, you liked Jungkook as more than just a friend.  They hadn't just come out of nowhere, though you'd shout yourself hoarse with the insistence that they had.  The emotions were tied to memories, ones that played against the back of your eyelids like a highlight reel while you slept. 

Flash.

The anniversary of your mother's passing.  Your father but a shell of the man he'd always been.  A star whose light had gone out.  He'd been despondent leading up to the day, forgetting about things that he never would have otherwise.  You'd been hungry for longer than you cared to admit, searching for food in the cupboards that housed ghosts and little else.  You'd carefully spooned soup into your mouth, hesitant to take too much from the thermos you brought to school daily.  You hadn't thought anyone would notice how tired you were, how you barely perked up when the rest of your classmates were sprinting across the lawn to play.  But Jungkook had noticed and from then, he'd always packed a little extra in his lunch.

Flash.

His fourteenth birthday, complete with a homemade cheesecake and four candles.  You'd bought him a new headset, giddy with pride when he'd torn it out of it's careful wrapping.  You hadn't even cared that he'd completely missed the card taped to the front, his name scrawled in neat pink gel ink beside a lopsided heart.  Things had been rough for a little while - the life of a trainee, after all - but it had been all worth it to be able to celebrate this with him.  Even if it'd cost you more than you wanted to admit, it was all worth it to see that smile on his face.  

Flash.

"You did it!"  You weren't sure when he'd gotten so much bigger than you, the top of your head barely clearing his chin.  Hadn't it just been months ago when you'd both fit into your double bed with room to spare?  When had his shoulders turned into an impenetrable fortress, the slope of his jaw all sharp angles?  He'd hoisted you into his arms like you weighed nothing, swinging you around like you were a child.  You'd told yourself the flutter in your stomach was from the centrifugal motion and not the way you were so close you could see the galaxy reflected in his eyes.

Flash.

You knew how hard he'd fought to meet you there, standing off to the side of arrivals.  There'd been a black mask shielding his face and a baseball cap low over his ears, the hood of his sweater bunched up around his neck.  It was supposed to be inconspicuous but there'd been something about him that immediately drew your attention to him.  You refused to believe it was just you.  (Yeah, you weren't touching that with a ten foot pole.)  

The relief was instant when you'd cleared the wall of people, all in various stages of euphoria as their loved ones came staggering back into their lives.  You'd caught his outstretched hand in your own and squeezed tightly, mirroring the smile you knew was hidden from view.  It hadn't been a hug but it was enough.  "Welcome home."

Flash.

His face in low-res pixels, signal not quite strong enough to translate the movement behind his camera.  You could barely make out the figures behind him but you could feel the elation rolling off him in waves, pieced together by the flash of his teeth and his whoop of excitement.  "We did it!"  He'd all but shrieked, nearly prompting you to rip your headphones off. 

"I know - I knew you would!"  Jungkook was over the moon, a shooting star with no end in sight - so when he'd blown a kiss to the lens, you tried not to think about it.  This was everything he'd ever wished for, manifested in a single magical night.  He couldn't be held responsible for the ache in your heart.

Flash.

You're not sure how long you've been lost in thought, staring at some undefined point on the far wall.  Lips are parted, a little dry and a little bruised from the worrying you've done like second nature.  When you realize you're spacing out, you're renewing your assault with renewed vigour.  Why was this happening?

"Everything okay?"  It takes you a minute to realize it's directed to you - or even that someone is speaking at all.  The words don't make sense at first, unfamiliar syllables taking a second to sink in.  You wonder, briefly, why Namjoon's speaking English, his warm gaze kind and expectant.  He's closer than you'd realized but still politely removed, comfortable in his own little square of the couch.  He looks tired but content, satisfied. 

You mull over his question, turning it on its head over and over again.  Were things okay?  Were you okay?  "I'm not sure," you finally relent.  It seems too big of a question to answer, like anything you say won't necessarily be true.  

"That's okay."  He's rising to his full stature, posture relaxed and head cocked, glasses just barely off-skew.  "Let's go talk."

You don't even hesitate to follow him out of the room.  Maybe this was what you needed.

notes.  please enjoy this tooth-rotting fluff as an apology for how dumb these two are.

[lamortexiii]

Cryptic Mystic: Karma, Keepers, or Something Else...

Karma, Keepers, or Something Else…: I am sure that you have heard the phrase “reap what you sow” at some point in your life, otherwise known as karma. Maybe you’ve experienced karma in your life. After all, we receive what we put out into the universe… or do we? Some believe there is a “keeper” or someone watching over us that protects us and provides us good or bad experiences based on how we interact with others (some may say “angels). If this is so, is this individual or universal? Maybe “keepers” are loved ones who have left their physical form, or maybe they are something that our human minds are currently incapable of understanding. For some this may even simply be a grandeur delusion brought on by narcissistic personality traits or possibly a mental disorder. A little unknown mixed in with a little psychology, served on a platter as per usual. Let’s dive right in to 2021 with this debatable topic, shall we?

I’ll start by informing you that karma actually possesses many meanings depending on what culture and country you are in. The most familiar American definition of karma - meaning that bad things happen to those who do bad things and good things happen to those who do good things - is but one definition of many. Now, this definition that we understand here in America is of course defined by what one perceives as good and bad - this can look different for many people. Having said this, there is no “one way” to believe in karma or to define what “good and bad” mean. For our purposes, I am going to define the terms karma, good, and bad in the most generalized sense that a majority of American society would view as the typical definition. Just know, this may or may not apply to your personal beliefs of what defines “good and bad” or your personal beliefs of what the definition of “karma” is. I completely agree that there are many viewpoints and perceptions and do not discount differences in opinions/beliefs by any means.

Karma originated from the Sanskrit term meaning “action, work, or deed.” It was a plain and simple definition, as if I were having a conversation with you and said, “The karma that he is completing on that house looks marvelous!” I realize how utterly ridiculous that sounds in today’s way of speaking - given the word was just used completely out of cultural context, but you get the point. The word “karma” at that time was just another word and carried little significance. That is, until 1000-700BCE when within the Vedic religion the definition of karma actually meant something that you likely would not guess. The definition took an abrupt and dramatic turn and was used to define not only the word “act,” but additionally it was defined as actions that took place regarding ritualistic and sacrificial occurrences.

Karma in itself has ancient roots in religion such as Hinduism, Buddhism, and Sikhism to name a few. Karma is seen as a sort of rebirth process in which the way that an individual is in the present day affects their future - all within the same life cycle. Within this realm, karma also affects one’s samsara, or quality of life. In Asia karma is portrayed through symbols such as the endless knot, which symbolizes the never ending process of cause and effect. In knowing this, you can see why karma closely relates to the philosophical theory of causality, defined as when one event contributes to another event where the cause is partly responsible for the effect, and the effect is partly dependent on the cause. The idea of karma in this sense is seen as a never ending cycle - one that highly influences the circle of life. This is what we know and recognize in modern American society, as well as in many other first-world countries/cultures.

In current society we then view karma as defining the relationship of cause and effect. Some view this as a very spiritual term, believing that there is a higher power who controls the occurrences of karma. Others simply use the term with reckless abandon - not actually understanding what it means, as society has culturally appropriated the term to fit the American narrative. Yet others (myself included) question the occurrence of karma and the several possibilities that may be at play here. Whether you believe karma occurs due to a higher power, some other religious aspect, sheer luck, extraterrestrials, a delusional belief, something else, or maybe you don’t believe in it at all - and that’s okay! Regardless of what you believe, we’re going to dive into some of those possibilities today. As I always say, once you have read this blog it is up to you to ultimately decide what you believe.

From a personal standpoint, I have been in many situations where either I don’t know how I survived, or at the bare minimum how I managed to come out of certain situations unscathed. I have been in several car accidents that were so much more than just fender benders - coming out of all of those without a single scratch. I have never caused an accident, however for whatever reason I seem to be a target for idiots who don’t know how to drive. I guess I just have that attraction factor. All jokes aside, I consider myself lucky to have not been injured in any of the accidents that I have been in. I have to wonder how this is possible, but then another person can be in ONE accident and it’s all over.

I will share a more intimate incident with you that is much darker than a happenstance car accident. When I was much younger I tried to take my own life. I didn’t want to be in this body on this planet any longer. I remember thinking to myself - there has to be something better than this. I swallowed a bunch of unknown pills doused with alcohol. I attempted this on two different occasions. Both times made me extremely ill. The first time I vomited and then felt very tired. The second time I fell to the floor and almost became unconscious. I was very dizzy and couldn’t stand/walk. I went to sleep for several hours with a low heart rate and shallow breathing. However, after both of these occurrences many years later, I realize that I was put here for a bigger purpose. I have many reasons I am here - sharing this blog with you being one of them. I wasn’t meant to leave my physical form here on Earth either one of those times. I like to think that something is protecting me, however I cannot say with certainty what that is or why exactly…

My biological mother was in a bad car accident when she fell asleep at the wheel. It threw her from the car and knocked off both of her sneakers. She woke up laying in the grass without shoes. She told me that she doesn’t remember much, but that she saw white hands on her shoulders and felt like whatever that was had pushed her through the accident. She came out without any serious injuries - only suffering minor bruising. It is important to note that she has had similar experiences as I have with feeling things and experiencing premonitions.

To touch on karma a bit from a personal experience, I have a short but interesting story to tell. Growing up I didn’t have many true friends and found myself surrounded by individuals who acted in a manner that I did not understand. There was a lot of negative energy on behalf of those around me; jealousy, lies, deceit, bad intentions, and misery. I wasn’t treated very well by my peers or in relationships. In fact, I was bullied, mentally abused, and physically abused by several people as I grew from a child to an adolescent. Interestingly enough, I found that those who did absolutely wrong to me that had the worst of intentions always had something bad happen to them. One person that comes to mind was blown up in an explosion overseas while serving in the military. Another person was in a bad car accident. From what I know currently, all of these people who were utterly nasty to me continue to lead miserable lives - because they are in fact miserable people. Whether this is just their nature or that they just didn’t have the strength and willpower to seek better things for themselves is debatable. Nonetheless, none of them as far as I know are happy in the present day and have likely never experienced true real happiness. As described before, some of these people have had very bad things happen to them. Is this karma or maybe a keeper’s doing? I have no idea, but it is something I have turned over in my mind for many years, and continue to ponder on from time to time.

One theory some hold is that angels are protecting people. This could turn into a really big conversation, so I will try my best to stay objective here and stick to the main topic of karma and keepers. I challenge the theory of angels for the following reasons: The Bible was written by several people with several different versions available, as have all books that we know today. Christianity in itself, as well as several other religions point to the sky (or heavens) as being the source of an almighty power. What if angels are actually extraterrestrials and those who have experienced said “angels” rationalize their experience by putting a name on the experience, therefore believing it was a religious experience rather than something that they didn’t understand - as a form of coping with the unknown. That is my personal theory in relation to “keepers” and the “karma” experienced therein as being related to any type of angelic form. This also covers how extraterrestrials could very well be the forces pulling the strings. As humans we base our logical thinking on what it is we know to be true - or what we have been taught is the truth, but how do we really know? The short answer is - we don’t. It is much easier to put a label on something to be able to process what that thing is than to be left to wonder and be afraid of what we do not know and understand. It is much easier to read what others have written and blindly accept it as being “the truth” or “the way” without seeking further proof. Just a few things to think about - and this goes for any religion. Group-think is a good descriptive term that comes to mind.

The religious standpoint on karma and “keepers” has everything to do with psychology and the human brain and its functions. Think about it as I said before - the human brain naturally tries to rationalize and process new information in a way that is understandable and logical. This varies depending on who you are talking to of course, but is the ultimate foundation for religion. Beginning in ancient times before electricity, technology, and all of the wonderful (and not so wonderful) things we have now, the less intelligent brains of those before us attempted to rationalize what they were experiencing. Let me give you a universal example that is actually more recent - did you know at one point women were seen as being psychotic and even evil for having hormonal symptoms related to their menstrual cycle and even for having a menstrual cycle period? (no pun intended) Women were put through horrible treatment to try to treat PMS, and it was even seen as being a mental illness/disorder for a very long time! At one point in time menstruating women were seen as being involved in magic and sorcery (whoops, you got me!). To quote some religious scripture, “go apart from women during the monthly course, do not approach them until they are clean” Quran 2:222, “…in her menstrual impurity; she is unclean… whoever touches…shall be unclean and shall wash his clothes and bathe in water and be unclean until evening” Leviticus 15, and lastly from the first Latin encyclopedia, “Contact with menstrual blood turns new wine sour, crops touched by it become barren, grafts die, seed in gardens are dried up, the fruit of trees fall off, the edge of steel and the gleam of ivory are dulled, hives of bees die, even bronze and iron are at once seized by rust, and a horrible smell fills the air; to taste it drives dogs mad and infects their bites with an incurable poison.” Okay… so… you realize how ridiculous all of this sounds, right? However, it was not ridiculous at the time - the people who lived in those times found a way to explain, rationalize, and describe what they felt was logical for explaining a woman’s menstrual cycle. Freud attempted to explain why people felt this way about menstrual cycles by stating that humans are naturally scared and uncomfortable around blood - again the human brain giving a logical explanation for why these thoughts and beliefs occurred. We know now through research and scientific data (actual tangible proof) that PMS is related to the shift in hormones women experience during that special time of month, which can cause a plethora of symptoms. This is easily treatable today with modern medicine or more holistic approaches - both of which have also been scientifically proven to work.

I know that last paragraph seems a little off course for this particular blog topic, but it carries a strong point that I feel necessary to make. Point being: religion is just another way the human brain tries to rationalize an event that is happening that is unexplained, new, different, abnormal, or scary; the same way that human brains of ancient times tried to rationalize with women bleeding from their vaginas. Having answers and an explanation gives people peace of mind. Once an idea becomes universal, again, it makes it easy to follow and just shrug the phenomena off as being caused by whatever is said by whoever is explaining it as their belief. The same is said for keepers, karma, and everything in between.

From a disorder perspective, it is very possible that some people believe in having a “keeper” because they are divine or special to a point of being above others. This behavior would likely fall under a more Narcissistic Personality Disorder or potentially some form of psychosis or schizophrenia. Reason being, these disorders involve hallucinations, delusions, and irrational beliefs that are of a bizarre nature. All three have key factors that make them different of course. For example, Narcissistic Personality Disorder revolves more around the person having selfish traits and not possessing the ability to connect with others all while believing they are of a certain prestige pedigree or above others. Psychosis and schizophrenia look similarly to one another in that both include symptomology involving hallucinations, delusions, and breaks from reality, however schizophrenia can actually cause psychosis. Additionally, patients diagnosed with schizophrenia may have symptoms of psychosis but not everyone with psychosis will be diagnosed with schizophrenia. Keeping it short here, but those are the basics of those three conditions. Knowing this, it is easy to see how someone could hold a belief that they have someone watching over them because they are special, or that some force is causing them to receive good karma or inflict bad karma on those who do them wrong.

Regardless of which way you choose to look at keepers and karma, both are definitely interesting phenomena that could use more research and productive discussions. Keeping an open-mind is always the path I personally choose to take because there are so many factors and options to consider before making a solid judgement on what the actual root cause of either one of these is. I wanted to kick 2021 off with an interesting yet somewhat debatable topic to really get you thinking. There are plenty more blogs in store where this one came from. This year will be much better than what we knew as 2020 (good riddance!) Here’s to another year full of education, knowledge, mystery, good conversation, and intriguing topics that really get those gears turning in your brain. Stay safe, be you, and never stop seeking the truth - whatever that truth is for you.

Cryptic Mystic Blog by PsychVVitch

www.LaMorteXiii.com

[thoughtsofa20somethingyearold]

How to be happy Happier: 6 Habits to Adopt for a Happier You!

Over the last few days, I’ve really been thinking about how much my mindset has changed for the better since the start of this year and how much happier it has made me! This in turn has inspired me to write about it, and while I’m no expert on these things, I think it can be useful to know that you’re not alone in how you feel and there are ways to help make it better! Obviously, if you feel that you may have a mental illness or something similar, it is definitely best to seek professional care.

Before my “big change”, I almost constantly felt stressed, anxious and was pretty much always putting myself down for my looks, how much work I did (or didn’t do), what other people thought of me etc etc etc especially since going to university. I think I fell into a bit of a rut, particularly in my first year, going through the ordeals of living in a new city where I didn’t know anyone, trying to cope with the seemingly endless deadlines and trying to balance work and studying whilst still maintaining a social life…Honestly it’s all harder than it looks!

So, on New Year’s Eve, I made myself a resolution to start focusing more on myself and improve the way I dealt with things that came my way.

Here are the 6 ways I went about helping myself live a happier life…

Be grateful

Now this isn’t the kind of “Get over it, there are kids starving in the world” grateful that some people tend to force on you when talking about your problems. I’m talking about being grateful for the things that personally affect you.

By focusing on what is going well in your life and savouring those moments, even for just a minute, it can really put things into perspective. I’ve found keeping a log of things I’m grateful for every time I feel sad or anxious has really settled my moods… it could be something as simple as a comfy bed or being able to spending time with your pet but it just goes to show that more often than not, the good outweighs the bad that’s going on.

Meditation- particularly self-love courses and positive affirmations

While meditation may not be for everyone, it’s definitely worth a try! Over the last 7 months, I’ve followed many meditation courses but the one that struck home the most was the self-love courses.

I feel like self-love is something everyone has struggled with at some point in their lives. I’ve been really trying to change the way I see myself and how I talk to myself (I promise I’m not a crazy woman) and by following these mediations, I’ve really noticed a huge difference in my self-esteem. Granted, there are still off days, it wouldn’t be human to feel amazing all the time! But it’s about learning that we are more than just our clothes, our looks and our thoughts and learning how to put distance between those negative thoughts and ourselves in order to have a more rested and confident mind state.

In my opinion, changing that little voice in our heads from “I’m so ugly” to “Everyone is beautiful in their own way” or “I’m not as smart as them” to “I might not understand X , but I know a lot about Y” is such a life changing skill and allows you to accept those “flaws” as new strengths.

Acknowledging bad moods

A bad mood isn’t like a cut or scrape that you can just cover up temporarily with a plaster, it’s more than that. You have to address these emotions! Of course, the only reasonable solution seems to be avoiding negative emotions because well they don’t feel good but in the long term it only makes these problems much bigger.

Now, what I’m about to say may shock you but in my experience, feeling bad can actually be a good thing! Once you come to terms with what triggers these feelings and understanding what your coping mechanisms are, it becomes much easier to learn how to control your moods and change up how you cope if it’s something that could be more damaging than helpful.

One of the ways I’ve learned to do this, is by visualising my problems as a different person. By giving it an identity that wasn’t my own, I��ve been able to distance myself from it and make better judgements on how to deal with said problem as well as being able to comfort and give advice to myself as I would if it were one of my friends.

Music – make happy playlists

When I was feeling sad, I would instinctively put on a sad playlist and just wallow in it. Unsurprisingly, this never made me feel better. Even on the average day I listen to music 24/7 and never really stopped to notice how it made me feel until one day when boredom struck me and I decided to organise my one giant “songs I like” playlist into separate mood-themed playlists. Who knew that upbeat music stimulates your brain to release those feel-good hormones? (Just common sense that passed me by? Okay then…)

Whether you’re into pop, rock, EDM or alternative genres, you can rely on your favourite song to make you feel happier, even if you’ve had the worst day.

Here’s some links to my personal favourites for feeling good, getting motivated and even having a little boogie in the shower:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0ZykvqL8a4j3V5BjRCBXLG?si=A8Ky8BxAS3GgyhhSf3uDWg

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/11CAEqfxaFicMCEMI6uW1v?si=hJDPu7BNTg-2RIQhEkh-6w

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2IccZrgTOrWYFiWDhF3zah?si=FGcZXlZMRwWSTxsI6nvDVw

They are collaborative so if you feel like I’ve missed something significant from them, add them on!

Get into nature

I’ve always loved going for walks and more recently running. Just being outside in the fresh air and exploring the world around us. This has only grown over the course of lockdown as I’ve found myself going out much more frequently and for much longer periods of time in order to combat anxieties about the uncertainty of the world right now.

I find that going with friends/family, is a real mood-booster as you get to spend quality time together and really focus on what matters to you but sometimes you just need that all important alone time, and there’s nothing better than taking a stroll alone!

When everything is quiet you can just take in what is surrounding you and your mind goes blank, completely at ease. It becomes hard to focus on those problems that were buzzing around in your head 5 minutes ago.

However, from time to time, these thoughts might not go away so easily, and that’s okay! Even in this situation, going for a walk/run or whatever allows you more space (literally and mentally) to think about how to deal with the issue and come up with more rational solutions.

Self-care routines

Who would you say you spend the most time with? Your parents? Friends? Well you’d be wrong…it’s yourself! Day in, day out you are the one who experiences your life, your attitudes, your feelings, and everything else so it’s super important to keep yourself healthy!

In case you’ve been living under a rock, self-care is anything we do deliberately to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. Pretty vague huh? This could be anything from a bit of exercise to knitting yourself a jumper.

In my opinion, self-care is such a simple concept, yet I believe it can be harder to put into practice than it seems. Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to follow my self-care routine, as it’s time I could be spending working or studying and I don't doubt that many other people feel the same. However, it is so important to understand that self-care is an UNSELFISH act that we all need in order to look after ourselves and avoid burning out.

I think many people do want to focus on their self-care, but find it difficult to know how, so these are some of the ways I have found that effectively allow me to practice self-care. Although, this doesn’t necessarily mean they are right for everyone, but just because something doesn’t work doesn’t mean you should give up! It’s a total trial and error to find what personally helps you!

My top self-care strategies:

Luxurious bubble baths with relaxing music and maybe even some candles if I’m feeling in an extra “treat yourself mood”

Yoga classes – My friend had got me into this around November time and I haven’t looked back! It was such a relaxing way to destress for an hour.

Mindfulness meditation – My words of advice, don’t give up if you still feel your mind races rather than settles… it takes time and practice to be able to meditate!

Mindful colouring – This is one of my absolute favourites, it’s such a satisfying activity! Stick on some instrumental music and get the mood lighting going for optimal relaxation…

Watching a sitcom – Something that is light, funny, and doesn’t require too much attention is perfect for quick mood improvements!

If you still don't know what to do, I hugely recommend following BlessingManifesting on instagram/twitter whatever social media platform you have or go to her website! It's full of info/challenges you can follow for example this nice and easy one here:

I’ve tried to keep this as short and sweet as possible as I know how overwhelming it can be to read pages and pages of info that ultimately just falls out of your head and this is one of those topics I could probably talk about for days because of its importance.

I hope this has inspired you a bit to reflect on your current state of mind.

Maybe you’re already on your pursuit of further happiness or you’re just starting, but I’d love to hear about your journey! What’s been working best for you?

𝒰𝓃𝓉𝒾𝓁 𝒩𝑒𝓍𝓉 𝒯𝒾𝓂𝑒

Bethany x

[spacebabe51]

Thoughts on 1991 Dark Shadows

You guys asked for it, but I warn you, I'm stupid long winded. I’ll spare you the long intro I was originally gonna tack onto this post because it’s already way too long. Basically this is just my thoughts on Barnabas, Victoria, Willie and Julia and why and where I think they fail to capture the audience’s attention.

So let’s start in the obvious place; Ben Cross as Barnabas Collins. Now. I have a lot of sympathy for pretty much anyone who tries to take on this role: Jonathan Frid just has this unhatable quality to him, which makes the ill-advised nonsensical hypocritical B.S. that spurts from the character of Barnabas Collins like a fountainhead somehow forgivable. It would be really hard to give this role to anyone and maintain that odd mix of unlikeable and endearing. Ok, now that I’ve said that I can say this: I don’t like him. I don’t like this Barnabas.

      It’s not because he’s young; I understand why that choice keeps getting made, although I disagree that it’s essential. The original show does go in narrative circles pretending that Frid/Barnabas is much younger than he looks or just avoiding the subject altogether. A young actor can play Barnabas; a hot actor can even play Barnabas; and I’ll grin and bear it as long as he’s entertaining. Cross is not entertaining. I don’t know if it’s fear of doing something wrong or if he watched the original Dark Shadows and saw Frid hamming it clutching a rubber bat to his throat and said “couldn’t be me”, but he will not emote and it absolutely kills the character for me. Barnabas is a lot of things in his first few episodes on the show. He’s suave, he’s scared, he’s unhinged, he’s mournful, he’s triumphant, he’s cruel...but one thing he never is is boring. Even when he’s standing around looking off into nothing and reciting long verses of meaningless prose, we’re engaged. Frid, after all, was a trained Shakespearean actor. Staring into nothing and reciting prose is what he’s best at.

Another thing Frid is is visually nervous; he was out of his depth on a vampire soap opera as well as constantly at a loss to remember his lines, and it shows; in ways that somehow endearingly make the character seem lost and out of his depth in a new time and in a fate he doesn't enjoy. All Cross ever really shows us is suaveness; stillness, and a vaguely constipated expression. He isn’t nervous. He seems calculated. It makes scenes like the one near the end of the pilot way more terrifying. He goes from telling Vicky the story of Josette and Barnabas’ love and her death to savagely beating Willie with nearly the same facial expression and inflection; he comes across as a cold blooded sociopath more than an unhinged impulsive killer. There isn’t much humanity to him, and that makes him hard to root for, either as a villain or a sympathetic monster. 

Joanna Going’s Victoria Winters:

 Hey, what a surprise! I actually don’t hate her. At least, I didn’t at first. Now, Vicky is a fairly easy character to cast- because let’s face it, she’s a pretty textbook example of a gothic romance protagonist. You know, the kind that are always running away from houses on book covers?

         But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to find someone the audience will connect with and like. The protagonist needs to be a little something more than a blank slate, which is something the original character suffered with, (not in the first season, but in every subsequent one) Going’s Victoria seemed at least a smidgen more self-aware and spunky(?), which is refreshing. Or, at least, I thought. And then episode three came along and suddenly she was 100% on board with Barnabas’ gross stiff romance. So never mind, scratch all that. The actress is fine for the character, but the character is still being sold a bill of goods by the writers. 

Jim Fyfe’s Willie Loomis  

 Let’s get to the real meat of it, shall we?  I have to first say that I am probably not qualified to talk about this, being fairly neurotypical and knowing little about the state of representation in the media for intellectually disabled individuals. Secondly, I have to say that I have at least some respect for Fyfe for being one of the few people to go against the grain and actually act on this show, and he is slightly less boring to watch than a lot of the others, if...not in a pleasant way. In any case I don’t think we can blame what I’m about to talk about on his acting per say.

       That said...uh...there were some, ahem, bad choices made in terms of Willie’s character. And yes, of course I'm talking about coding him as intellectually challenged and then treating it like a joke, or a character flaw (?). In fact the more I think about it, the worse it gets. Now this is just conjecture, but the choice to cast Willie as conventionally unattractive and intellectually challenged, in order to, I guess, justify or explain the dislike everyone has for him, is incredibly bad for any goodwill the show already isn’t trying to establish among the rest of it’s main cast. Karlen’s Willie, by comparison, is set up as a scumbag from long before Barnabas arrives. He harrasses women, steals, lies, starts fights; etc. Even in the “House” movie, we get a few seconds of him being gross towards Maggie to imply this is normal behavior from him. The most we see Fyfe’s Willie do is be kind of surly and annoying at a bar where he’s already been denied service. He seems more like a guy who isn’t good at social cues, and who is just genuinely sick of being pushed around for no good reason. If Dark Shadows had for some reason decided it wanted to do a story about inequality and social stigma in the midst of it's vampire fever dream, then fine, but that's not what this is; It’s almost like the show wanted to rely on his looks and supposed “mental insufficiency” to make the audience dislike him. He seems more like Collinsport’s long time scapegoat than a drifter who came into town to start trouble, and combining that with the coding paints a very dark picture and makes the already emotionless Collins’ family seem pretty terrible. (and I won’t even go into the whole “Barnabas beats Willie and then two episodes later they’re best friends” thing here because there aren’t enough expletives in the world for it) ALSO also, and this is nit-picky, I have a problem with the fact that Fyfe can’t pick an accent. Sometimes he seems to be trying to imitate Karlen’s Booklynese, sometimes he sounds vaguely Southern, sometimes he sounds like he’s trying to impersonate Goofy...it’s very distracting. Not more distracting than all the other terrible things, but distracting. 

Barnabas Steele’s Julia Hoffman: As anyone who follows me knows, I sort of worship Grayson Hall, so I almost feel bad saying I don’t like someone in this role, because, duh. For me, there will only ever be one Julia Hoffman. Is that gonna stop me from saying it? Hell no.

 Steele’s Julia suffers from nearly the exact flaw Cross’ Barnabas does; an inability or unwillingness to emote in any fashion. Add on, however, a nauseating lack of chemistry with any of the other actors, and you have a recipe for eyes glazing over by act two. I think, honestly, the biggest flaw of trying to recast this show is this; Dark Shadows is, essentially, a play. It was a troupe of mainly theater actors, working in close proximity, live, on a shabby theater-like set. When you strip away those elements and add in true soap opera people and plots and camera angles, you lose that magical experimental, campy, electric element the original had. I know I’m talking more vaguely about the show now and less about Steele’s Julia, but honestly there's not much to say about her? She doesn’t come across as particularly clever, or bold, or any of the things that made us root for Julia when we were pretty sure she was on the fast track to getting killed her first few weeks. She just sort of meanders through plot points and talks like she’s controlling a ventriloquist dummy somewhere offscreen. She’s not interesting, and when it comes to Julia Hoffman, psychiatrist, blood specialist, hypnotist, fake historian, etc, that’s the worst thing she can be. 

If you've read this far, thank you! I would love to hear you guys' thoughts, whether you agree or disagree or think I missed the mark entirely. I'm only on episode 6: I'm going to continue watching, purely out of obligation since they're taking the show off Amazon Prime at the end of the month, and I may make some memes/follow up posts when we get to Angelique, 1795, etc.

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hello! I was wondering if you could help me with (MBTI) typing myself since I've been struggling with it recently. Note that I'm a teenager + I'm rather bad at differinating certain traits in myself so I'll rely on what people usually say about me and/or things that nobody beside me can know or judge. When younger I was considered to be introverted/a loner although I'm not sure if it's caused by my natural introversion or by certain circumstances that lead me to lack close friendships.

I’ve been kind of enjoying the answering each part at once method, especially when the answer is going to be a variation “not sure, and this could use a lot of work,” so:

I know I have said multiple times that if you do are not fairly well able to talk about yourself and differentiate your traits, MBTI is not a good idea for you right now. This is fine and normal! Particularly if you’re a teenager! But the best thing for you to do is drop it and come back when you have a good sense of self. I think a lot of people come to MBTI with the attitude of “I don’t know who I am very well and this will tell me” when the fact is you need to know who you are to be able to type with any accuracy.

Also, for teenagers, this goes double, because when you say “when I was younger” you’re often talking about a point where you flat out didn’t have a clear type because you were a kid. Wait instead of asking.

           Most people I befriended back then didn't interest me much so I gave up on those friendships quickly. That made me accept my loneliness - I thought I will be alone forever. At the moment I'm starting it all over again by connecting to people and the perspective of being alone started to be frightening.  I'm rather indecisive, I'd been trying to come up with projects and ideas for a long time, I procrastinate and ignore my bodily needs often.            

This is something where it makes a huge difference if you’re talking about when you were like, 12, or when you were 15, for example. I mean, probably introversion but I wouldn’t discount other causes since this seems pretty intense in general.

Re: indecision, procrastination, bodily needs - probably high extroverted perceiving.

           When it comes to projects, my most craved perfect quality is novelty, originality, something that would twist expected lines of storytelling. I also like to tie them up with certain 'themes' so I have an excuse to learn about the topic as much as possible and make it educational and insightful for the perceivers.  I'm not sure if I have high Fi or Ti, but I lean for Fi for now.             

Also fits high extroverted perceiving. I have serious doubts about high Fi; high Fi users tend to have a good sense of who they are, even while fairly young, but also this could vary depending on if “I’m a teenager” means you’re 14 or if it means you’re 19. If 14, maybe. If 19, not unless you are incredibly unhealthy.

I deeply value knowledge and a lot of my goals and dreams were related to being skilful and knowledgeable about something, to be the master of my activity. So I'm a perfectionist and have rather high ambitions. At the same time it's mixed with insecurity and anxiety: I fear mistakes, prone to overthink, think lowly of myself and can't get motivated enough to do something. In the end if I'm motivated I get impressive amounts of work done in a short span of time but it happens only under stress.            

I am not a mental health professional and I may just be reading this wrong, but there have been a couple things now that make me think you may have some kind of anxiety or depression which also might be messing with your sense of self, and I cannot stress this enough, I think focusing on MBTI is probably not the right thing for you right now. All of this sounds more in line with anxiety and/or depression than high perceiving (except the motivation part, which tracks) and isn’t tied to an introverted judging either).

           I usually enjoy ignoring or rebelling against the rules. I used to be rude and oblivious of social norms so I had a few bad experiences with that. It made me hyper aware of implications of words so I act incredibly polite and awkward at first but grow more rude and straightforward when I get used to people. I can violate my personal borders of rudeness and make comments that come off as non-intended offending so I both make the person feel worse and get away with nothing but I rarely do that.             

Again this is something where if “used to be rude” is referring to when you were 11 means something very different than if it’s referring to when you were (for example) 15. This fits with low Fe more than high Fi; high Fi users can be introverted but they tend to have more people skills, but again, there’s so much else going on here I can’t say anything with much confidence.

People say my writings are focused on introspective thoughts and feelings a lot and the characters sound realistic but that my ability to properly understand people in real life is way more poor.  I'm told I'm very private. I can be incredibly helpful and accepting when my close ones are facing struggle but I don't know in-between so I either pay too much effort or ignore the bad signs. I rarely act on my thoughts although I can be impulsive. I wasn't sure whether I use Fi mostly because             

 Probably aux Ne, given the low understanding of surroundings and lack of action combined with the other extroverted perceiving signs, but also again, a lot of this just sounds...young.

myself internally (not all the time).  I think about improving and changing myself a lot. I tend to be oversensitive but it might be the teenager years.  I quickly engross in new hobbies and ideas with an intention of using their fullest potential/going in-depth of them but get detached from them quickly. I have a good memory for things I'm interested in - overall I'm ditzy and forgetful.   Sorry if it was not organized properly. I hope I gave you all the necessary information.    

yeah, more of the same - aux Ne.

------------------------------

So in summary - honestly, I think there’s two potential root causes at work here with a few effects that are going to make it incredibly difficult to type yourself:

1. There are several things that I cannot say with any reliability are depression or anxiety, but do sound like it to me, a layperson - isolating yourself from all your peers at a very young age is not really something most healthy people do - and if you are able to get that checked by someone who would know, I would recommend it.

2. If that’s not a factor, it’s also somewhat age/maturity level dependent. If you’re 14 or 15, either INFP or INTP are possible. If you’re 18 or 19, Fi-dom seems really unlikely. If you’re in the middle, it’s still kind of a toss-up based on maturity level and honestly I’d hold off until you’ve found out about potential mental illness.

But in general, it’s hard for a number of reasons for many teenagers to type themselves because a lot of late adolescence/early adulthood is inherently figuring out who you are when you don’t have constant supervision. The amount of change many people undergo their first year of college or in the work force is staggering because they’re to an extent making their own schedule, dealing with real responsibilities with severe consequences*, and making difficult choices possibly for the first time ever. My advice is to give it some time, especially if you’re a younger teenager, and get to know yourself better. MBTI is not going to disappear in the few years that will take.

*occasionally I’ve run into questions from people who are older who do not have many responsibilities, for whatever reason, and there are plenty of good reasons why that might be the case, but it also makes it really hard to type them. It’s not a bad thing or judgement necessarily, but an acknowledgement that again, if you don’t turn in an assignment on time, it’s a different scale of consequences than if you don’t pay rent or buy food for yourself on time.

[reeree1500]

The Return- Part 9

Disclaimer: Im so sorry for keeping you guys waiting, but Ive been trying to figure out my new schedule and had literally no time to write anything down 😬 This part contains lots of angst and honestly I don't feel like its the best🤣 I want to thank y'all for all the love and support💕☺️And forgive me in advance for this is 100% gonna be utter shit😭🙏🏽 So don't kill me😅

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 10

Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @peaceisadirtyword @laketaj24 @camatsuru @youbloodymadgenius @calum-hoodwinked-me @cutegyrl927 @wuxiesalt @readsalot73 @cindy-exo @amy8220 @affection-rabbit @mel0nch0ly @queenofallthyfandoms @limbo-limbo-limbo @ragnarssonsbitch @supernaturalvikingwhore @ifihadwings128 @paintballkid711 @jenny-the-lover @funmadnessandbadassvikings  @blonddnamedhandz @hallowed-heathen @pinkrockstar19 

- Sorry if I missed any of you💕 Lemme know if you want to be tagged. Also requests are open, and I’ve got a ton of them to do and finish. Hopefully Ill be able to post them soon enough

Warnings: Angst, Violence, bad grammar + spelling.😂

Your POV

“My wife...” At Ivar’s words you had felt as if your heart had been ripped out of your chest, crumpled, and stomped on by him right in front of you. You just looked at the blonde beauty and thought about how perfect she was and how you could have never compared to her. “(Y/n), are you alright? You seem pale and quite unwell.” Freydis says to you with what would seem as genuine concern in her eyes. Your mind was at a loss for words, something that did not happen often to you anymore. You didn't know whether it could've been out fo jealousy or if out of shock and what seemed like a flare of anger rising in you. “Just a little light headed, that's all. Anyways, are you alright if we go up to the castle now? Or are there anymore people on the ship?” You say through gritted teeth and a fake smile on your face. Freydis exchanges a look with Ivar and he then turns to you with a smile on his face nodding. As the three of you turn to walk towards the hill leading to the castle, you noticed how Freydis gushed over Ivar in front of you. Occasionally she would turn and pretend to admire her surroundings and meet your eyes trying to show off. You promised yourself that for the love of your siblings and family that you would go along with the facade and pretend as if you didn't want to kill her every time she clung onto him like that. But it was proving much harder than you had initially thought. “Freydis, I would like a moment to talk to (y/n). You can continue making your way to the castle with a few of my men, just be careful love.” You heard Ivar say to her as his lips grazed hers. 

Why had you been so jealous? You were happily married now to Arthur and had 2 beautiful children by him. As you would not let yourself think otherwise as to who the possibility of who the father could be. Not paying attention to Ivar or his “wife” you kept looking out towards the gardens and the townspeople. Your body is then whisked around rapidly by your so called “brother” and you come face to face for the first time in 4 years. “Why?” “Why what Ivar?” You say rolling your eyes at him trying to avoid this touchy subject. “You know exactly what!” He says pulling you off to the side and out of hearing range of anyone around. “How could you keep my children away from me!” 

Ivar says as his grips tightens on your arms, surely to leave a bruise. Back then you would have cowered with fear at his tone of voice. But now you were a queen and Arthur had made you realize that no one not even himself could ever trample over you again! “First of all, you are not the king here and you DO NOT! Call the shots!” You say gripping his hand and forcing it to unclasp your arm. “Secondly, my children have a father and his name is Arthur Pendragon. The King of this land and I am his queen and I will not have you disrespect him with such blasphemous words leaving your mouth!” You say to him, with as much venom as you could muster laced into your words. His eyes showed shock and admiration in them. Surely in his mind he thought about how much you had changed and how the once scared girl that graced the land of Kattegat was now gone. Ivar knew the answer to his question though. You could not bare to let him in on the fact that you had bared him children, it would have placed everyone you cared for in the danger you had placed so far away from you. Not waiting for him to answer and get his words together you turn around and leave him behind in the dust. Walking away you felt empowered and for the first time like you had the control over him and it felt good.

-------------------------------------

Making your way through the halls of the castle you finally reach the hall to see everybody gathered and chatting with each other. Marjorie notices you enter and springs quickly from Arthur’s lap and makes a bee line for your arms. “Mama! You're just in time, Uncle Bjorn is telling us stories of when you were my age. Frankly you were quite boring, but it’s okay you’ve gotten a wee bit more fun!”  She said as she clung around your neck. This child you say as you internally roll your eyes. She could always leave a whole room without words in seconds. But it was a quality that you were quite fond of. Carrying Marjorie in your arms you made your way towards Arthur and sat beside him. Marjorie then jumps from your arms to Arthurs lap and starts to play with the buttons on his jacket. Marjorie adored her father and it was evident to everyone who would look their way. Especially Ivar who sulked and gritted his teeth every time his eyes laid on her playing with Arthur. 

Arthur lived to serve our children, but Marjorie was his mini-me. However, Erik was all mine. At that I call Erik away from the candies I know that he so desperately wants to eat, but that I will not let him. This boy is hyper enough as it is and I cannot handle so much excitement and emotions today. His little eyes turn to me pleading for a small bite of the sweets that are bestowed upon him. However, I am firm in my decision and although disappointed he makes his way to me with a huge smile on his face and his arms outstretched. Holding him in my arms I cannot resist, but spin him around as we both giggle and fall to the floor in a fit of laughter. “You're an exceptional mother (y/n), I always knew you would be.” Bjorn says whilst looking toward me with tears brimming in his eyes. “I feel incredibly proud of you for pushing past all the horrible things that have been placed in front of you and you coming out on top.” At that tears begin to form in mine. “Ok, Ok. No more crying. I feel as if there has been enough of that in our lives to last us the rest of them.” Hvitserk says whilst laughing. At his comment everyone laughs and that is when Sara enters the hall. “Your highness it is time for their majesties’ lessons.” She says whilst bowing her head. At that Erik and Marjorie stand up and rush towards her. They loved Sara and treated her as if she were their older sister. In fact she was Mira’s younger sister who was sent to me by Gisela when she found out about my pregnancy. I could not have asked for a better tutor for my children. Saying my goodbyes to them I turn to walk towards my husband, but come to notice a certain look on a certain bear like man. Bjorn’s eyes hold an astonished look of admiration and adoration. The look of a man who's been taken to heaven and does not wish to come back. 

Arthur taps my knee to grab my attention, but he notices what Ive just witnessed and a smirk is displayed on his face. “It seems that our little Sara has caught your interest, Bjorn?” Arthur says playfully to him. “Yes, it appears to be so. Ive never met such a beautiful woman in my life.” Bjorn says still in what seems to be a trans like state of some kind. “Bjorn, surely you’ve met more beautiful women than a simple tutor and maid, have you not?” Freydis says from Ivar’s side. Her comments made by blood boil, which Arthur noticed and took quick action against. He placed his arms around my shoulders and whispered sweet nothings into my ears. He then lays one of his hands on my lap, to then which I place my hands on his, holding him ever close to us.

The way she caresses his hair and the way she positions herself beside him is bothersome to me. It goes to show that Freydis is a woman that will do anything to keep him, even if that a means worshipping him like a God. Trying to lighten the mood and ease the tension that quickly seems to be building up. Arthur asks about Kattegat and how it has been since we left. What we didn't know was that at this very moment just a few feet away was the person who would bring about sorrow and grief everywhere they went. Especially to me.

-------------------------------

Bjorn’s POV

When Arthur asked about the current state of Kattegat, my hands balled into fists. Not by his question, but because the ruin of Kattegat had come with us to England. “Well, it could be better, but I will not ruin our visit with such an ill subject.” I reply in a tone in which everyone understands that the subject matter at hand should not be one to be discussed. At the moment (y/n) decides to turn the attention upon Ivar and his new wife. It was obvious that she was hurt by it, however knowing my sister she would never admit that to a soul. She was moodier then I could remember her being, but it could just be the fact that people in England are moodier then everyone. “When and how did this come about, and why had we not heard sooner about this union Ivar. Where you hiding your wife from me? Or did you simply want to take us by surprise when you brought your whore to a place where my children reside? Huh!” (Y/n) says while she stands up, rage very much evident in her eyes. 

At that the room became silent and servants who seemed shocked and outright astonished by the fact that (y/n) was behaving this way. Arthur stood up from his throne and pulled her body into his as a way to try to calm her down, but we knew that it would not be so easy. “Control yourself (y/n), please. This is not good for you and you know it. The doctor said you should rest and not become stressed. Please I beg of you, listen to me and stand down.” Arthur whispers into her ear. After what seems like ages (y/n) looks down and Arthur softens his hold on her. A quiet Im sorry leaves her lips and she walks out of the room towards what seems to be her quarters. I would have to check up on her, this was very unsalted behaviour for her and it worried me.

 Arthur clears his throat and asks the servants to shows us to our rooms, but not before asking Ivar to stay behind. “Ivar, please stay. I would like to have a word with you and apologize for my wife’s behaviour towards you both.” As everyone moves Freydis seems to stay in her place by Ivar’s side. Obviously not getting the fact that she was not part of the conversation that was to be had. “Alone.” Arthur says while facing the window and his back to them. Something that I knew bothered Ivar very much...Authority and power which he could do nothing about. 

---------------------

Arthur’s POV

“So, what is it that you wanted to speak to me about, besides your wife’s ridiculous outburst?...Your majesty.” Ivar says through gritted teeth. Turning around I keep my face stoic as ever, however all I wanted was to punch this man in the face for all the pain and suffering he had not only caused my wife, but her people as well. I had heard of Ivar’s actions against his people from my spies in Kattegat and from Bjorn himself. I knew that the once respect that I held for this man had gone out the window the moment he started burning everyone who opposed him. “Come, I wish to show you something out on the balcony.” I say to him as I walk without waiting for his reply. I can feel his eyes burning holes into my skull, but I care not for this as I have more pressing matters at hand. 

Stepping out onto the balcony I look over the lands that had been bestowed upon me by my father. “These lands, were given to me by my father, who which in turn got them from his father, and so on. One day when (y/n) and I are gone these lands shall go to Erik or Marjorie... Our children.” In this moment Ivar scoffs and I could see him roll his eyes at me. “Your children? We both know who damn well! Fathered those children Arthur! It wouldn't take much to see the resemblance between us!” He yells at my direction. “I invited you to my home so that my wife would be able to see her family once again away from the dangers of Kattegat! But I now see that it was a mistake to invite you here. Erik and Marjorie are not and will never be yours! And on top of that you come with a “wife” who's sole purpose of your marriage was to get your mind off of my wife! MY WIFE! Whom shall never be yours!” I yell at him as my patience wears thin. Unable to hold back the anger and resentment I feel towards him anymore, I grab him by the collar and push him towards the railing. Grabbing him so that he may not fall, but just enough to try and scare him. 

However, I underestimated him and feel my footing quickly fall from beneath me. Ivar then lunges himself on top of me and begins to throw punches left and right. I dodge and fight back as much as I can, but he is able to get a couple of punches in. Spotting an opportunity I quickly flip us over and start punching him for everything he has done. At this point I see red and fear that there will be nothing to stop me from killing him. Except my wife. “Arthur! Let him go! What are you doing!” She says as she runs towards us. In that moment I forgot about ivar and stared at my wife, but it only took a second for Ivar to kick me and cause me to crash against the railing itself. “Ugh!” Before I could lunge myself at him (y/n) threw herself in front of him. And I stopped dead in my tracks. How could I have been so foolish to think that she could have ever loved me back. To think that we could have actually had something. NO! She will always choose him, she will always choose Ivar. 

Your POV

I couldn't let them go on. I couldn’t let my husband kill the man that I once loved. No matter how much he deserved it, but Arthur didn't understand that. He didn't understand that I had put Ivar behind me and that now all I wanted and all I needed was him. Arthur looked like as if his world had been flipped upside down and like his heart had been ripped out of his chest, by me. Shaking his head he looks down and heads inside. Not before stopping and turning around to face Ivar one last time. “If you ever utter the words that Erik and Marjorie are yours, I will not hesitate to kill you on the spot. Im done showing mercy and being the fool.” And with that he walks inside bloodied and leaving me astonished. “(y/n), I...” “Shut up! Just shut up! How dare you! Did I not warn you that something like this would happen! You need to stop Ivar, Erik and Marjorie are not yours and will never be! Arthur has been the father that they need and deserve. You on the contrary will never be their father, because all you do is bring me pain!” I yell at him through the tears that fall down my face like a cascade. 

“How could I have proven to you that I could be great father, when you didn't even give me a chance! I gave you a way out of the situation you were in! I told you that we could have run away together and lived together as a family away from it all. But you! You decided that I wasn't good enough for you!” He says standing up from the ground cradling his side, obviously showing that Arthur had got in a good punch or two. “I couldnt have and you know it! Floki he...” I begin to say before I stop myself and think about that night. “What! What did he say to you (y/n)! What lies are you gonna spew out about the only man that has ever cared for me my entire life!” He says getting extremely close to me, his eyes showing hints of a side to him that I had never come across but had heard from the gossip and read from the letters Bjorn sent to Arthur. “Your precious Floki threatened me with your life and that of everyone who is close to me, if I didn't leave Kattegat! So yes! Blame me Ivar for being so selfish that I placed your life and the lives of everyone I cared about before my own!” With that I left Ivar standing there in the balcony by himself, just like I had left him that night 4 years ago.

---------------------------

1 month ago...

“What do you need of me, my queen?” Freydis said to Aslaug. “Ivar and his brothers shall be visiting England fairly soon and I will need you to be my eyes and ears into everything that occurs there. I wish to know exactly what (y/n) and her husband have been up to, I hear that their union had been blessed with children. Find out more about them and if you ever get a chance, take this.” Aslaug says as she pull out a vial. “This will ensure your reign as Queen of Kattegat and will finally put an end to that Christian child. I do not care of she's miles away, while she breathes Ivar will never be yours. And he will never grow to be the man that I wish him to be.” Aslaug says with a cold heart and an even colder face. “But, she's of no danger to me. Ivar is mine and he always will be, its been fated by the gods themselves.” Freydis says giving the vile back. In that moment Floki comes out from the shadows. “I have lost all whom I care about, because of (y/n). Ragnar, Bjorn, Ivar and Helga have all turned their back on me because of her. I was forced to kill my own wife because of what she did in order to save this child. And you too will lose, if you do not comply with our demands.” He says whilst placing the vial back into Freydis’ palm. “You must do this if not for us, then for Ivar and all of the gods.” 

“I will...”

[7-wonders]

As Above, So Below Ch. 11

Summary: Your average, mundane life as a college student is flipped upside down when the man you thought you knew as your next-door neighbor turns out to be the God of the dead. When Michael lures you down to Hell, everything that you thought you knew about the world is proven wrong.

Word Count: 3288

A/N: Warnings for mentions of death and dying in this chapter. I would have posted it earlier, but I ended up having a minor breakdown about the shitstorm that is my life and couldn’t type through my tears lol. As always, requests are open and my inbox is too! Send me some feedback, tell me what you thought, what your favorite part was, or anything!

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7| Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11: Too Far Gone

Members of the Underworld’s staff dart out of the way when they hear the large doors slamming, knowing that an angry god is making his way down the hallways. Michael’s frantic in trying to find any of his advisors; the severity of the illness that you’re not supposed to have makes this a race against time.

“Thanatos! Have you seen Madison anywhere?” Michael asks, nearly running into the eyeless man outside of the training gym. He shakes his head, frowning.

“She got called up Above, something about some witches in Greendale trying to perform an exorcism. Why?”

“It’s (Y/N).”

“What’s wrong with (Y/N)?”

“She’s sick, which-”

“Isn’t possible.” Michael nods, lips set in a thin line.

“I need to find Madison. Now.” Michael starts walking quickly, setting a pace where even Thanatos has to hustle to keep up with him.

“Michael, it’s too risky for you to leave the Underworld right now. We don’t know Satan’s plans, where he is or if he can even tell if you’ve left.”

“He’s in Tartarus, problem solved!”

“You don’t know that for certain.” Thanatos is the voice of reason, but it’s a voice that Michael doesn’t want to hear right now.

Michael Langdon has lived a very long life. He’s seen the best of humanity, those who band together after tragedy to make something great. He’s seen the worst of humanity, men who could care less about the lives of others and who would gladly kill just to make things easier. Civilizations have risen and fallen, the great thinkers of the world have had their turns at walking the Earth and developing their ideas, all before Michael’s very eyes. Death is something he’s all-too accustomed to, and it’s the one thing that absolutely everybody in the history of humanity, no matter the manmade categories they separate themselves into, has in common. For the first time in as long as he can recall, Michael Langdon is scared, and he’s scared of a lot.

He’s scared of the possibility of losing his throne. He’s scared that he could soon have to fight a battle against the being who created him. He’s scared that the Apocalypse could happen, causing the scales to be thrown into chaos and the lands of both living and dead to blur together. But mostly, he’s scared that he could lose you. No, not scared. Terrified.

While few live mortals have ever stepped foot in the Underworld, none have ever gotten sick, and for good reason: there’s nothing Below that could make a human sick. While sickness can often lead to death, viruses themselves are intrinsically living. They wouldn’t be able to even make it down to the Underworld, and any viruses that could are already long-dead and, therefore, harmless. The fact that you have managed to become so violently ill in such a short amount of time would be frightening enough, but the fact that there’s no discernable reason why you’re sick in the first place makes Michael’s blood run cold.

“It’s a risk I’m going to have to take. It shouldn’t take me too long to find Madison, and once I do find her we’ll be right back here.”

“Why do you need to find me?” Both men turn around, relieved to see Madison standing ten feet ahead of them. She’s scowling, her black cloak dripping with what looks like a classic case of demon vomit.

“Tough demon?” Thanatos asks, barely hiding his smirk.

“Of course, because things can’t ever be simple when it comes to witches from Greendale.” Madison huffs, rolling her eyes. She snaps her fingers and replaces her ruined clothes with something more ‘comfortable’ (which is really just another one of her tight black dresses), before looking at her friends with a raised eyebrow. “Well?”

“It’s (Y/N), she’s sick and I don’t know how. You’re the only person I could think of who would be able to help.” Michael explains.

“How’s she sick? People don’t get sick here, there’s nothing to get sick from.”

“Yes, we’ve established that.” Michael snaps, immediately regretting the tone of voice he used. “I’m sorry, it’s been…”

Madison nods, letting him know that she understands as she places a hand on his shoulder.

“Let me go grab some spell books that I think might help, and then I’ll meet you at (Y/N)’s room?” Her voice is uncharacteristically gentle, but Michael doesn’t have time to overanalyze this on top of everything else.

Madison disappears once Michael gives her the nod of approval. He goes to head back to (Y/N)’s room, thankful that he had ran into Desa before coming into contact with Thanatos. Speaking of which, the God of Death still looms behind Michael like a shadow. He hasn’t spoken since he greeted Madison, and Michael’s not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. He notices Michael looking at him and smiles reassuringly.

“I’m going to conduct some research of my own, if that’s okay with you?”

“Of course. If I may ask, research on what subject?”

“I’m going to pay a visit to our dear friend Pythia.”

Pythia, the divine Oracle that was most frequently consulted at Delphi back during the height of Greek civilization. She, along with the rest of civilization, moved west as humanity advanced. As the roles of the gods changed throughout time, so did Pythia’s job. Now, she was mainly consulted to help decode texts or mediate between two warring parties. Her wisdom is still beyond compare to any Oracle, so she tends to demand quite the price for her knowledge of prophecies that were told to her.

“Make sure that she remembers that she owes me for helping to save her reputation after what happened with Castor and Pollux.” Just saying the names of those conniving twins makes Michael’s skin crawl, but he knows that Thanatos will have to namedrop in order to get her to actually recall that debacle.

“I will return with answers and, hopefully, a solution.” Thanatos hesitates for a moment, and Michael can tell that he’s considering whether what he’s about to say is overstepping his role as advisor. “(Y/N)’s a fighter, Michael. She’ll be okay.”

Michael smiles slightly, nodding. Thanatos, for all his fear-inducing qualities, can also be surprisingly reassuring when he wants to be.

“Thank you, Thanatos.” Both men disappear, albeit off to different locations.

Desa and Madison don’t even flinch when Michael shows up in (Y/N)’s room, both long-since accustomed to the act of transmutation. The handmaiden’s sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, having been instructed to keep watch over (Y/N). Truth be told, Desa probably would have assumed this position even if Michael hadn’t told her to; she’s become extremely attached to (Y/N). Madison’s standing over a sleeping (Y/N), eyes closed and muttering spells in Latin.

“How long has she been asleep for?” Michael asks, not able to take his eyes off of her form.

“Since before I came in here.” Desa answers, which means she must have fallen asleep right after Michael left.

Nobody wants to face the wrath of an interrupted Madison, so there’s nothing to do now but wait for her to finish. Michael sits on the bed next to (Y/N), stroking her hair. Her forehead’s still incredibly warm, the heat extending down and coloring her cheeks. It’s only another minute before Madison stops her chanting and opens her eyes.

“Was the fever the only noticeable symptom?” Madison asks.

“She got really dizzy, and almost passed out. She said she had been tired too, and I suspect she was dizzy for a while before I saw her.” Michael responds, looking up at the goddess. “Did you find anything out?”

“It’s...serious.” Michael’s breath hitches, and he grips (Y/N)’s hand as a result. It’s cold, and Michael focuses a bit of his power to help warm it up.

“How serious?”

“(Y/N)’s heart rate is really fast, so is her breathing. What makes this concerning is that her blood pressure is extremely low. I’m obviously not a doctor, but her body’s basically trying to fight itself.”

“But you can fix things, correct? You have potions and elixirs for for everything.”

“I’m going to get started on some potions, but it’s going to be a challenge.”

“Why?” His patience is running thin. Although Michael knows that it’s not Madison’s fault, he’s expecting (hoping) for it to be an easy fix.

“Because I still don’t know what she’s sick with, Michael. All of my potions are designed to attack at the source. I’m going to have to work backwards, and mix different potions together. It’s going to take some time.” Madison snaps. Michael sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose while he breathes deeply.

“I’m sorry, Madison. I shouldn’t have reacted like that, I know that you’re trying and I’m thankful for that.”

“It’s fine.” It’s not fine, but they’re all stressed right now. “I’m going to go get started. You should attend to your own duties, too. Desa will be here the whole time, and (Y/N)’s probably just going to be asleep.”

Madison leaves the room, throwing one last look back over her shoulder to make sure Michael’s okay.

“Lady Hecate is right, sir. (Y/N) will be okay.” Desa says, eyes cast down to her lap while she addresses her king.

“You’ll let me know if anything happens, right?” Desa looks shocked that Michael’s actually asking her a question, not demanding something of her or telling her what to do.

“Yes sir, I’ll even alert you when she wakes up if you’d like.” Michael nods, standing from the bed.

“Thank you, Desa. You’ve been a good friend to (Y/N), and a great asset to me. I appreciate it.” Desa looks like she’s about to pass out from the compliment, and Michael has to hold back a chuckle.

“Thank you, sir.” She squeaks, her face bright red.

Michael leans down and places a quick kiss to (Y/N)’s forehead, smiling when her eyes flutter at the sensation. With a quick glance, he’s out the door, a god on a mission.

Time passes in a blur when a person’s asleep. Sometimes, you’ll wake up for a moment after what you thought was an entire night’s worth of sleeping, only to find out that it was barely thirty minutes. Other times, you’ll nod off and wake up to discover that you were asleep for ten hours. You feel this way a lot lately; time is no match when it comes to sleep.

It reminds you a lot of your first days in the Underworld. You’ve even had the same dreams that you did so long ago, nightmares of fire and screaming and falling, but also dreams of family and friends and laughter. From what you’ve been able to discern when you’re awake and people are willing to give you answers, Madison’s spent three days trying to find a potion to cure you and Thanatos is still gone on a mission to visit an Oracle.

Consciousness is a plane that you constantly drift in and out of. Sometimes you’ll be awake for only a few moments, the heads of whoever’s visiting you swimming into your vision before you’re pulled back under. Other times, the pain of the fever wracking through your body has you crying out in agony for hours on end. You can see how concerned everybody is about you. Desa keeps watch over you day and night, always sitting in the chair closest to the window. Sometimes she works on sewing, or reads a book, but mostly she just watches you. She’s also extremely attentive, bringing glasses of water up to your trembling lips whenever you’re lucid enough to swallow.

Mostly, though, whenever you’re awake you see Michael. Apparently, Desa’s supposed to tell him the second you wake up, and tell him she does. It’s almost like magic (probably is magic, you remind yourself), how quickly he arrives when you’re awake. He refuses to leave until after you’re asleep, no matter how much you tell him that you’re fine. You’re not fine, and everybody knows it, but it’s nice to be hopeful.

He tries to get you to eat, although you can’t handle anything more than a few bites of toast a day. He holds you when the fever is at its worst, and reminds you where you are when you’re so sick that you’re delirious. If you think Desa’s attentive, Michael takes the meaning of that word to a whole different level. But in the times where you’re feeling well enough to hold a conversation, which seems to be getting fewer and fewer as the days without a diagnosis drag on, Michael’s so incredibly sweet. He’ll read to you, tell you his favorite stories, and just talk. It’s funny that it’s taken you getting critically ill for you to truly get to know Michael.

Although he doesn’t have much of a childhood to talk about when he asks about yours, he can still talk to you about the adventures he’s been on throughout his life. You talk about politics and religion, art and music, even things as inconsequential as your favorite colors. Now, you could say confidently that you know Michael more than you know your best friends. It’s funny, you find yourself thinking cynically, that you only get to know him as you near your death.

They should have known that this was coming. They’re gods, gods of various aspects of death and dying and all things dead, and they should have been able to recognize that a person suddenly gets better before they crash. You’ve been constantly lucid the past two days, and though your fever hadn’t broke, it had managed to stay at 100. You weren’t better, but you weren’t worse. It’s an extremely common part of the process of dying, and one they should have recognized. But they didn’t, and even if they had, it wouldn’t matter now.

Because you’re dying.

Everything around you is blurry, and you have to rely on voices to discern who’s who. The fever’s worse than ever, and even though someone is periodically dabbing your sweaty forehead with a wet cloth, you don’t feel hot. You’re actually pretty cold, and you’ve requested more blankets at least three times now. The blood that you’ve been heaving up leaves specks on your chapped lips, and your heart is beating so fast that you can hear it in your ears. Shakes wrack through your body, and the worst headache you’ve ever had has forced the lights to be dimmed.

“At least...you won’t have to worry about the apocalypse...now that I’m gonna die. You’ll have my soul. You win.” You try to joke, having to stop often to take deep breaths. Even though you can’t see clearly, you can still tell that Michael doesn’t smile.

“I wish it would work like that. Your soul is too pure, I’ll barely get to see you before you’ll go off to Elysium.”

“I can’t stay with you?”

“Souls that are untethered, that is, souls who aren’t assigned to their afterlives, they...fade away into nothing. The palace isn’t an afterlife, and even if it were, souls couldn’t be tethered to it.” You close your eyes, smiling bitterly and leaning back against the pillows.

“So this is it.” It’s not a question. You know that this is it.

“(Y/N)...” Your eyes open when you feel something wet on your face, and after focusing for a few moments you realize that Michael’s crying.

Reaching a shaking hand up to wipe them away startles Michael, who grabs your wrist with his own hand and leaning into the contact. Michael wants to speak, but he’s stopped by the door bursting open. You flinch at the sound of wood hitting the wall, causing a lightning bolt of pain to flare in your head.

“Michael.” A deep voice says. This must be Thanatos, who you never got the chance to properly meet.

“Finally back from visiting Pythia?” Michael’s voice is thick with emotion, and you rub circles on his cheek with your thumb.

“I am so sorry, it took me a week just to track her down.” Thanatos hangs his head in shame.

“Well, what did she say?”

“Not that it’ll help much, anyways. You’re too late.” Madison says from the corner of the room, where Zoe’s holding her after she broke down apologizing to you for not finding a cure.

“‘Nothing living can survive in the Underworld.’” Thanatos quotes.

“But...that doesn’t make sense? (Y/N)’s supposed to be the Queen of the Underworld, and even then her connection with the dead should exempt-” Michael doesn’t even care when Thanatos cuts him off, too preoccupied with studying you.

“I’m quoting Pythia directly. She said nothing about exemptions, just that nothing living can survive here. Period, end of sentence.”

“What about the flowers? (Y/N) made those grow.” Madison points out.

“But the second I passed by, they died.” Michael mutters before looking up at Madison. “By virtue of her powers, (Y/N) was giving them her life. Once she stopped focusing on them, they died.”

“Being here is what’s killing her.” They stare at each other for a long moment, and you almost wonder if they can communicate telepathically.

“I can’t leave, Satan’s not in Tartarus anymore and if I leave, he will attempt to seize the throne. You need to take her Above, Madison.”

You cry out, attempting to sit up. You can’t go back, not when you haven’t found a solution. Leaving not only means the end of the world, it also means that Michael could potentially die as his father tries to take the Underworld. It sucks, honestly, that it’s taken you being on the verge of dying to realize just how deeply you care for Michael.

“You could die if I leave!” You argue. Michael picks you up like you weigh nothing, and although you try to fight him off, you’re far too weak to inflict any real sort of pain on him.

“And you will die if you stay!” Your vision clears now that you’re nose-to-nose with Michael, and you can see just how fiercely he’s staring at you. “I won’t let you die, (Y/N). Even if it means having to give up the one thing that has brought me true happiness, I will not allow you to die.”

He deposits you into Madison’s arms, still refusing to let go of you.

“Take her to the hospital closest to her house. If anyone asks, you’re her roommate and you found her passed out on the floor when you got home from class. She’s been sick, but told you she was getting better.” Michael instructs, moving your hair out of your face.

“I’ll make sure she gets the best care possible.” Madison nods, her eyes speaking volumes more than her one sentence.

“I have one more thing to say, and then you need to leave immediately.” Michael takes your hand, looking you in the eyes once more. “I love you, (Y/N) (Y/L/N). I never thought I’d know what love is, but I do now. You are what love is, and I love you endlessly.”

He kisses your burning lips quickly before pulling away.

“Now, Madison!”

You’re not sure if Madison knocks you out so you’ll survive the strenuous journey Above, or if you pass out on your own, but you can feel unconsciousness enveloping you like a blanket. Tears are falling down your cheeks, and before you fully succumb to the blackness, you call out his name.

“Michael!”

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[puppyexpressions]

Pet Euthanasia: When Is it Time to Let Go?

One of the most difficult decisions any pet owner is faced with is knowing when to let go. Choosing the right time to euthanize your beloved fur-baby is never an easy one, but it’s unfortunately a necessary part of life, however heart-wrenching it may be.

Although there are a number of factors to consider carefully before going through the process, it’s important to remember first and foremost that you love your pet dearly, and putting your dog or cat to sleep when he or she is too sick to maintain a healthy and happy existence is the most humane and responsible thing you can do, even though it may not feel like it at the time.

Pet euthanasia is an extremely sensitive subject, and a personal decision that must come from within you. Although your veterinarian knows your pet’s overall health and what may be best for them, they will respect that it’s ultimately your decision to elect euthanasia as a last resort.

Putting your cat or dog’s welfare above your own happiness is one of the most selfless things you can do, because in the end, you’re preventing them from needless suffering. Below is a list of questions you may wish to ask yourself when considering this life-altering choice:

Is your pet terminally ill? When you schedule an appointment with your vet, be sure to ask him or her what to expect, and ask yourself if you’re prepared for the next phases of treatment or actions.

Are you able to afford adequate treatment, medications and/or operations? Although we cannot put a price on our pet’s unconditional love and friendship, end-of-life costs can be extremely expensive and can complicate the grieving process with the additional stress of debt.

Does your pet still have an appetite? A sharp decrease in appetite is a tell-tale sign that your dog or cat is nearing the end of his/her life.

Has your dog or cat lost his/her bodily functions? If your pet is experiencing any or all of the following, s/he is experiencing a very poor quality of life:

Is it possible that additional treatment will improve your pet’s quality of life, or simply maintain his current condition? If the latter, you will want to give his prognosis some thorough consideration.

Consider your pet’s best interest: If you’re extending your cat or dog’s life simply because you’re grappling with the sadness of saying goodbye, it is important to remember what the humane choice is, even though it may be a painful one.

Chronic pain

Frequent vomiting or diarrhea that is causing dehydration and/or significant weight loss.

Pet has stopped eating or will only eat if force fed

Incontinence to the degree that s/he frequently has accidents

Lack of interest in favorite activities (such as going for walks, playing with toys or other pets, eating treats, or receiving affection from family members)

Unable to stand on his own or falls down when trying to walk; incapable of climbing stairs

Chronic labored breathing or coughing

Searching for Answers: Knowing When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

While some dogs and cats pass away peacefully in their sleep, more often than not, pet parents will come to the realization that their four-legged friend is no longer enjoying the joys of life they once knew – and it’s up to us to make the right decision.

Our responsibility to our pets includes keeping them comfortable as they age, providing them with protection against pain and suffering, particularly if they develop serious health conditions or terminal illnesses. Despite the fact that modern veterinary practices have flourished in the past several decades, it’s not always in your pet’s best interest to prolong his or her life. So how do we know when it’s time to say goodbye?

Here are some thoughts, actions and contemplations pet owners may go through before making their final decision concerning the welfare of their beloved cat or dog:

Look for signs

Oftentimes, pet parents know when their dog or cat is approaching their last days – the bond you’ve shared with your cherished family member gives you an innate understanding of their behavior. Whether it’s a lack of appetite, an inability to stand up, or hiding out of sight, there are certain signs your pet will display to indicate the imminent future.

If you see that your pet is experiencing a drastically diminished quality of life, euthanasia may be the most merciful and dignified action you can provide to protect them from further suffering.

Consulting family and friends

It can be comforting to seek the support system available through your family and closest friends – asking your relatives for advice is a natural reaction when you’re not sure what to do. Sometimes we simply need a heart-to-heart conversation with loved ones to lead us in the right direction.

Going with your gut

Many pet owners get a gut feeling that it’s time to make that fateful trip to the vet. Although taking the moral high road can be a painful emotional journey, you’ll know in your heart you are doing the right thing.

Getting a second opinion

You’re also entitled to a second opinion – if you find yourself on the fence or in disagreement with your family vet’s advice, you may wish to visit another office to help clarify your decision-making process.

When you’ve reached a breaking point

At some point, you may find that it’s become too painful to watch your pet suffer and realize you have the power to help end your pet’s misery. Although we arrive at this phase after attempting every possible form of treatment, you will feel a sense of relief knowing your beloved pet will no longer suffer.

Circumstances beyond our control

Sometimes, we may find ourselves in situations where the decisions in life are made for us, even though they may not be of our choosing or preference. In crisis scenarios – such as your pet’s operation revealing the cancer is in its final stages – we are forced to choose the most humane course of action.

Coming to terms with the inevitable

Once you have come to terms that your pet’s quality of life is declining and that you have the power to provide him with an act of mercy, it’s okay to embrace all of the emotions that come with your decision – euthanasia can be a relief to both you and your pet, because your dog or cat will no longer be in pain.

Preventing additional pain and suffering

When you realize that no matter what you do to alleviate your pet’s suffering, they’ll still be in pain and misery, it becomes a bit easier to accept euthanasia as the best option. Waiting until your dog or cat is completely incapacitated is far worse than taking a humane approach and letting them go with dignity and grace.

Ask your vet

For those who have established a good rapport with their veterinarian, it’s common for pet owners to ask them for their personal opinion – not just a medical recommendation, but actually asking them point-blank, “What would you do if you were in my shoes?” Nearly every vet has had similar experiences with other pet parents, so don’t be afraid to be candid if you feel it will help to have a conversation with them.

Additional Factors to Consider: Keeping Your Pet’s Best Interest in Mind

As is the case with any life-altering decision, there are many factors to be taken into consideration when coping with the possibility of euthanasia. In some instances, you may be part of a couple where one partner is having a more difficult time than the other at ‘letting go’. In this scenario, it’s essential to have a calm and rational conversation to decide what’s the most humane choice for your pet.

When looking to your vet for guidance concerning your pet’s future, it’s important to remember that although vets are trained to save lives, they can only make certain decisions with your consent. When your pet’s health is beyond saving, you will know what the right decision is – don’t be pressured to put your pet to sleep if you believe your cat or dog still has some good years left.

However, be vigilant when weighing the pros and cons regarding your pet’s overall quality of life, and base your decision on that alone. Even if you can afford treatments to extend your fur baby’s life, ask yourself if it’s truly in his or her best interest.

Some people may ask the question, “Am I playing God by choosing euthanasia?” Although that is a moral question that is subjective to your personal belief system, providing medical treatment to save your animal’s life may be viewed the same way – so you’ll want to give this decision some heavy contemplation. Because you may choose to be present when your pet passes so that he’s not alone, consider your reaction – if you’re unable to remain calm, you will spare your cat or dog additional trauma by remaining in the waiting room.

Don’t forget this simple fact: your pets live in the moment. Unlike our predisposition to reflect on the past or anticipate the future, your cat or dog is enjoying the present – and with that said, if they’re not happily ‘living in the now’, it’s important to assess their quality of life. Since our pets are unable to verbally tell us how they’re feeling, it’s essential to pay attention to their body language. If you know your pet is ill and notice their condition is steadily growing worse, be mindful of their behavior.

One of the surest rules of thumb to determine their overall well-being is to write down their five favorite things – whether it’s socializing with other animals, eating, or going for a walk, if your pet is no longer enjoying his or her favorite pastimes, you may want to consider talking to your vet and seeing if euthanasia is a merciful option.

In addition, keep track of their routine – take notes to see how many ‘good’ days versus ‘bad’ days your cat or dog has over the course of a few weeks. If the bad days outweigh the good ones, you should have a fairly clear indication as to the next steps for your pet.

Once you have made your decision, be sure that all family members have a chance to say goodbye to your pet before the procedure takes place. For families with young children, gently explain what is happening and prepare them for the loss of your pet. Since it may be your child’s first experience with death, it’s important to assist them through the grieving process. There are many children’s books available to open up a dialogue and help your child cope when dealing with this difficult subject.

Most of all, keep in mind that every situation is different – what may work for one pet family may not be feasible for yours. In the end, it’s up to you to trust your instincts, consult with your veterinarian, talk to loved ones, and do your research before arriving at your decision.

Although you’re losing a member of your family, administering euthanasia to terminally ill pets is actually a gift of sorts – by providing a peaceful passing for your cat or dog, you’re honoring the life you shared together and respecting that life by removing additional pain and suffering.

[cannabisrefugee-esq]

(via The Welfare Gnome! It's Like a Sock Gnome Except This One Can Actually Kill You. Ft. Joker (Again))

The Welfare Gnome!  It’s Like a Sock Gnome Except This One Can Actually Kill You.  Ft. Joker (Again)

Cannabis Refugee, Esq.

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Crohn's Disease Stories

Euthanasia / Suicide

Law / Legal / Benefits

December 20, 2019

According to the internet, a “sock gnome” is a mythical creature that pilfers socks.  Presumably it lives in or around the dryer where you put an even number of socks in and get an odd number out.  Sometimes it gets tricksy and spits out an even number but the pairs don’t match (meaning it’s pilfered one from more than one pair) but the usual evidence that you’ve had a sock pilfered by a gnome is that there is one left over that doesn’t have a mate and the missing sock never reappears ever.  This is a real thing (if not a real gnome) and everyone knows what this means.

Well, there appears to be a similar creature that lives at Social Services and pilfers sick and poor people’s applications for welfare benefits.  Or something, idk.  I assume these creatures are related but maybe not since this gnome doesn’t play games: it’s goal seems to be to drive you insane before it literally kills you.  I wrote here before about an application for benefits that went missing, along with a half a dozen other boondoggles that have wasted my spoons and left me scrambling to repeat some administrative process I was barely able to complete survive the first time.

Because while a sick person’s literal inability to jump through bureaucratic hoops is actually the best evidence that someone is extremely ill, someone has decided that only those who are well enough to sing for their supper (or pursue benefits) deserve to eat, as it were.  The first application that went missing was for food stamps, while today I found out that my application to get on a 4 month waitlist to see a doctor went missing 2 months ago and has not been since heard from: although my disability advocate hand-delivered it, the application was never received.

I didn’t know it had never been received since I was instructed to wait for 2-3 months for a phonecall from them whereupon they would then tell me that I had to wait another 4 months to see a provider.  Now I get to start the whole process over again.  Of course, the clock starts, again, from zero: 2-3 months for the application to be processed and another 4 months before I will be seen. And as both Crohn’s disease and high functioning Autism are untreatable and incurable, the only reason I’m even trying to get in to see a doctor is that I need up to date records of medical compliance (not actual therapeutic medical care since none exists) to support my claims for disability.  As if sick people have the time and energy for that.

Just “apply for benefits” then keep applying indefinitely or forever!   Just get showered, dressed, don’t eat or drink anything though because Crohn’s, get somehow transported across town, pretend to act human for a several hours while you are being humiliated, interrogated, starved and otherwise tortured in public, then somehow get a ride back home.  And do all of that without “acting” sick.  Easy peasy.

And truly, bureaucratic incompetence (or a welfare or Social Services gnome) isn’t even worth writing about and I wouldn’t bother writing about it except that it had an unsettling effect on me: I literally wondered, if only for a second, if I had hallucinated the whole thing and therefore wondered if my new disability advocate who had hand-delivered the applications himself, Dave, was even real.  Jesus Christ that was disturbing.  Around Halloween of this year, Dave had helped me complete numerous applications, some online, while he mailed some hardcopies out of town and hand-delivered the rest; the 2 applications that were both hand-delivered were supposedly never received.  One would be understandable, if not acceptable, but both of them?  I was shook.

Very shortly thereafter I realized that the only proof I even have that Dave came to pick me up several times, completed applications for/with me and took me home again is that one application we did online was actually received and has his name and information on it.  Much to my chagrin, they initially returned that “online” application to me in hardcopy to review, sign and return (WTF) but as it turns out, that bit of bureaucratic fuckery actually saved me from something awful — a literal break from reality — and was the only proof I had that Dave and our interactions were even real.  Also, my old disability advocate told me about Dave in front of another person and they both remember it.  (!)  So yeah, I’m legit losing my mind by now but at least I’m not delusional (that I know of). Everything about this is fucking terrifying.

Wait.  Is Dave even real?  Let’s review.

  At some point, I know my readers are going to get sick to death of hearing about this shit and I wouldn’t blame them.  Hearing about how the system truly victimizes people is unpleasant and predictably leaves those who don’t have to deal with it (yet) with the strong impression that disenfranchised people are “victims” experiencing “victimization” which is always, always read as a character flaw, or it is eventually, especially if it goes on for a long time and it often almost always does.  And this material is about as appealing to read as…idk, a book of vintage recipes where the first and second ingredients in every dish are Jello and fake mayonnaise?  Maybe.  There’s a trainwreck quality that’s hard to look away from, it’s interesting (at first) to see how all the various parts fit together (or ultimately don’t) and I suppose it’s possible to have compassion for the vintage cooks who were trying so, so hard to be resourceful and whatnot.

But eventually that person’s judgement will probably come into question and the blame will fall squarely on them if they consistently choose to participate in such insanity, in that case, preparing and serving Spaghetti-Os and sliced hot dogs suspended in savory Jello, or a canned ambrosia Yule log.  (I just watched a video of someone making a canned ambrosia Yule log from a vintage recipe, you can watch that here). Or in the case of a vulnerable person seeking benefits, choosing to consistently be relieved of their dignity and even being (seemingly) willingly neglected and abused.  The comparison is kind of a reach but what I’m getting at here is that it’s not pretty.  The things I discuss on this blog aren’t pretty.

So do I have an actual point?  Actually I have 2.  The first point I will make via another anecdote and is something I learned as a young attorney who was becoming seriously ill: I had been seeing a chiropractor/nutritionist for months to attempt to treat what was becoming unbearable chronic pain and GI issues when my health insurance company started denying his claims.  The “doctor” wasn’t being paid but I was still in disabling pain and his treatments were working.  Kind of. Until they stopped. We had to have “the discussion” which drew out our competing interests: my interest in continuing treatment without a lapse versus his interest in being consistently paid.  (Really, this is where the myth of the compassionate Western healer is always undone: the issue of money.  But that’s a post for another day.)  This discussion is never pleasant and as I learned, is absolutely meant to be ugly.

As a seasoned provider with decades of experience in the insurance game, the “doctor” calmly explained to me that part of the game is to pit the doctor and patient against each other so that they can’t provide a united front against the real enemy: the insurance company.  The goal is to have the doctor and patient part ways angry so that there is no reason to pursue an appeal and the treatment — whether it’s medically necessary or not — simply ends.  From the insurance company’s perspective, the problem (of exposure to liability) just goes away: if the doctor and patient part ways it doesn’t have to expend resources reviewing appeals and no further claims will be made, their exposure drops to zero, and they win.

Get it?  Bad guys 1, good guys 0.  And this, I think, is the dynamic playing out when people get fed up (and fired up) with hearing about what sick and disabled people go through — regular, relatively powerless people blaming and judging other regular, relatively powerless people for being “victims” instead of providing a unified front against our common enemy.  In this case, against our corporate and governmental overlords who spend billions if not trillions annually on “corporate welfare” and destructive black budget programs while reducing, eliminating or otherwise making inaccessible benefits that real people need to live in this shithole they created, not us.  And Big Medicine torturing sick people and deliberately (or leastwise predictably) making us worse.

We all have a choice, don’t we, to pick the correct side and to not fall into this deliberate trap set by the elite, to not go against our own interests, to decline the invitation to support our oppressors while undermining ourselves and our ilk, our own people.  Choose correctly.  It matters.

My second point is this.  I can only speak for myself when I say that I absolutely never wanted to be a “victim” and I spent my entire life and literally everything I had to try to ensure that didn’t happen.  I have written about that before if anyone wants to revisit that part of my journey, but what I haven’t directly said is this: once I had exhausted every resource I had accumulated over a lifetime (which wasn’t much), after I had asked everyone I knew for help and they all declined, after I had failed to cure myself of an incurable disease, I knew what was coming for me because I had spent my entire life trying to avoid it.

My experience as a benefits attorney only underscored what I already knew, which is that there is nothing there to catch most people when they fall, and there is no bottom to the abuse and neglect one will suffer, and literally endless opportunities to be victimized, once anyone, especially an unresourced, unsupported female, is no longer able to control her outcomes and sick women can no longer reliably control their outcomes.  I knew the benefits system would be inaccessible or inadequate, I knew I would be abused and neglected by doctors if I let them, I knew I could end up sick and homeless at the same time, I knew I could end up sick and homeless and raped and pregnant at the same time if there was nothing I could do to stop it, and I knew that once I got sick there was, in fact, little or nothing I could do to stop it.  I knew there would be no end to my suffering as a sick woman under capitalism and patriarchy.

I saw this coming a mile out, and to avoid that outcome I knew I didn’t want and knew I couldn’t handle (and shouldn’t be expected to) and to fulfill a lifelong promise I had made to myself to never “allow” myself to be victimized in this way, I attempted suicide.  4 times.   Four fucking times I took action against myself that was so incompatible with life that by all rights I should have died at least once if not every time but I didn’t die.  Each time I woke to this nightmare that won’t end and I had to go on, dealing with the same shit and with the same hideous constraints only even more sick and even more traumatized than I was before if that was even possible.  And it is possible, isn’t it — it is bottomless.  There is no end, there is absolutely no end to how bad this can and will get for me and for everyone in my position.

And to be clear, I started this blog after what ended up being my final (well, most recent) suicide attempt which was 2 years ago by now.  Get it?  Every single post on this blog was written after that and therefore was very nearly not written at all.  What I am documenting here, I think, is a fairly common experience that is almost always lost to time and tragedy: what it’s actually like to be this seriously, hopelessly ill, how “the system” works against sick people and sick women at every turn, and what it really looks like to have no options.  And while this surely happens all the time, every force in the universe, it seems, is working against most people actually knowing about it.  In fact, the most relateable thing I’ve ever read, the only thing that I have ever seen address these points and describe an experience nearly identical to my own was left behind by an activist/writer/seriously chronically ill woman in a suicide note.  I wrote about that woman, Anne Örtegren, and her suicide note here.  

In my own case, and this is the only reason you are hearing about it, I happened to be a seasoned researcher and writer with a specialized interest in dissecting the insane system of patriarchy, I had a preexisting platform on which to advertise this project and an audience that was open to hearing about it, and despite my best intentions and efforts, and those of everyone and everything else for that matter, where those intentions and efforts were not compatible with life, my life, I didn’t fucking die.  Not yet anyway.  I suspect that many women who experience what I and Anne Örtegren and others have experienced go down for the third and final time before anyone even hears them scream.  And if any of this sounds a little crazy to you, that’s only because it is.  It is completely, completely insane.

[fairycosmos]

i want to kill myself. it gets more n more tempting and though i know i’m not going to do it, i don’t know how to deal w the feeling. especially because it’s more wanting to but not willing to, rather than i want to do this and i’m determined, i feel like no one takes that serious enough and another part of me just wants to so people will know i’m really hurting. so bad.

hey my love. it's going to be okay. the fact that you're having suicidal thoughts to any extent is very serious and should not be undermined. it's easy to desensitizie yourself to it when you've lived with it for so long, but it is a problem and you do not have to handle it alone. maybe those around you can't grasp what you're going through out of fear, or just plain ignorance, but that does not mean that you don't deserve or need help, or that it's not out there. you have options no matter how much you don't want to believe it. to be honest i want to tell you all about how significant and rare your life and presences is. i want to let you know that the biggest trick of mental illness is that it convinces you it's permanent when in reality, more often than not, there are ways to make it manageable. and everything is temporary. the natural evolution of your life will prove so much to you but you must give yourself a fair chance to get there. it's not always going to hurt this bad, and i know that means nothing to you right now, but try to have a bit of trust in the notion. ultimately i know there's nothing i can say that will immediately soothe the pain, or change anything. i understand that your mind is simply not allowing you to see things from multiple perspectives at the moment. and i get that speaking in hypotheticals is pointless when the emotional turmoil is so paramount. so i urge you to, when you can, have an honest conversation with yourself about what you truly need. what's missing from your life, what are the short term causes of your pain? does anything in particular trigger you, do you notice any self destructive patterns in yourself, what calms you when you're afraid? i'd also recommend talking to someone you trust about what's going on, whether it's a family member or a friend, anyone. you don't have to go into great detail, and it's ok to not know what to say. you just have tell them you're struggling. give them a chance to care for you. i'm sure they'll appreciate the transparency. having a support system makes a massive difference, and enables you to face up to your situation. if that's not an option, or if they don't understand, then there are other routes to take. for example, you could call a hotline. they'll be able to offer you more specific recommendations, while talking you through the episode and listening to your worries. you're in control of the call and you can hang up anytime. you could also talk to your doctor, or look into support groups in your area, or counseling agencies/youth crisis centers, anything is better than nothing. and if you're underage, and you have to force your parents to listen in order to get what you need, then so be it. you're not trapped, okay? i know this is all so hard and daunting, and putting in any amount of effort is the last thing you you want to do. but if you don't want to live like this anymore then change is necessary. and you're so unbelievably capable. your minds automatic reaction will always be to reject the idea of reaching out. but that's just a part of the self harm. isolation stagnates you, leads you nowhere fast. a professional will be able to identify the deeper causes of your suicidal ideation, while working with you to create a care plan so you're prepared when you have a meltdown and you know what to do. because it is okay to be sad. it is even alright to want to give up sometimes. but it's not okay to blur the lines between having a thought and actually acting on it. the goal isn't to never feel negative emotions, it's to try to cope with them as best you can so you don't spiral into a cycle of 'im sad so i hurt myself, i hurt myself and feel sad.' that's all very possible to achieve with time, communication, and natural personal development. if you need to cry, if you need to have days where all you do is breathe, if you need to take a step back from stressors such as schoolwork or relationships, then that's all fine. your mental health always comes first and if you prioritize it, your perspective WILL shift and evolve. please please try to believe me when i say that you're supposed to be here. taking your own life is not going to solve anything the way you think it will. it's a really positive sign that you don't think you're going to do it, and i was relieved when i read that, but like i said before - it doesn't make up for the sadness you feel, and your idolisation of death is still very worrying. it's still something you need to consider talking to your doctor about as soon as possible, or any mental health professional. it's not a far fetched idea, there is always something. i would hate for you to act on your emotions, and then regret it only when it was irreversible - which would be the likely outcome. above all you cant make such a final judgement of your life when you're so young, and you deserve better. you deserve to see all of the people you're going to become, you deserve to know the world at every age. and i know you don't think you do, but you do. i believe in your ability to put your well-being before your sadness, even when it seems impossible. you don't have to harm yourself to find peace. you don't have to kill yourself to move from one state to the next. i cant stress that enough. take it one step at a time, and look at what you can do right now to improve your quality of life even temporarily, because the present truly is the only controllable aspect. the only thing you have to worry about. i'll be rooting for you with my whole heart, seriously. so many people have been where you are, and survived it. you will, too. because you have the tools and the resilience to do so. please let me know if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, i'll be here. focus on getting through one day at a time, and when that feels like too much, one hour at a time, even one minute at a time is good enough.

[mysistertheaddict]

An Open Letter To My Addict Sister

November 28, 2018

Dear sister, 

I don’t know why I have started writing this and I don’t know how long it will take me to write this, maybe I can do it in one sitting or maybe it will take a month. Maybe I won’t be able to finish this at all because sometimes even thinking about this hurts. Thinking about it hurts, but it’s always on mind, hiding deep in the corners. I don’t even know if I’ll end up sending you this, and if I do you might not even read it, but I’m going to start writing anyway. 

I realized something today, I’ve been realizing a lot of things lately. 

I’ve been reading a lot online about people who have been affected by drugs, drug addicts and family members alike, (I know, I’m turning into mom) and one of the things I keep seeing family members say is that they hate the person their loved one has become, the addict. Reading this over and over again made me realize I don’t agree with that. 

I haven’t stopped loving you any less, I hate the drugs, but I don’t hate you. You’re still my sister and my best friend. I also recognize that you aren’t the addict; the person that doesn’t come home to her daughter, the person who doesn’t even bother answering my calls or texts, the person who is willing to do anything to get their next fix. I know that person isn’t you, but it has become a part of you. 

It’s a part of you that I want more than anything to be gone, I would do absolutely anything to help you out of this, but I know that only you can fight this and that you’ll be fighting it for the rest of your life. Sister, I know you can get over this because you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. This isn’t the life that is meant for you, fighting this addiction might be hard, but it’s worth it. 

And maybe you aren’t ready to come to the decision to fight this addiction, but I know you will come to the decision one day. In the meantime, I need you to understand that I still want my sister around. My sister, the addict, is better than no sister at all because I don’t love you any less. So, I’m willing to wait until you make the decision to get sober, but in the meantime, I still want you here. My sister, the addict, is still my sister, it may not be the best version of you, but it is still the sister that I love with all my heart. 

I don’t want to have to wait for you to decide to get sober to talk to you again. 

I need my sister back. I need to talk to you, to laugh with you, to go get nuggs with you, to go to Walmart at 2am and buy sparklers and light them off in the parking lot. Don’t give up these memories just because of the drugs, I don’t want you to think that I don’t want you around just because I know you’re an addict. 

Of course, I want you to get better. More than anything in the world right now, I want you to be sober and safe. But I understand that that is going to be a process and I can’t wait until the end of that process to get my sister back. I want my sister back right now, because you are still my sister even before you get off the drugs. 

Not seeing you and not talking to you is killing me. You’re on my mind 24/7 and you influence everything I do. If you can’t talk to me anymore, then I’ll try to understand as much as I can, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully understand the mind of an addict. 

You need to get sober and get your life back on track. I don’t want to lose my sister. You’re supposed to meet the first boyfriend I bring home, you’re supposed to be the maid of honor at my wedding, you’re supposed to get wine drunk with me when we’re thirty and bored with our lives. I’ve always imagined a life with my sister by my side. We have so many more memories to make. 

Everyone needs you to get better. Mom, dad, our brothers, our sister. Everything each of them do is what they think will help you, whether what any of us are doing is the right thing no one knows, but keep in mind everyone is doing what they think is best for you. Most importantly, your daughter needs you to get better. 

You’re her world, she says she misses her mommy just about every day. Don’t think it’s too late just because you haven’t been around recently, because it isn’t. What matters is that you get yourself better, that is what is going to be important to your daughter. She is going to be ready to love you as soon as you come back, don’t think it is ever too late. 

I don’t want your daughter to forget you or hate you, I want her to know that her mom is one of the best human beings on this planet and I want her to love you with all of her heart. She won’t know how great you are if you don’t get off these drugs. 

You have to be there for her first day of school, her first dance, her first boyfriend, when she graduates college, her wedding. 

There are so many events that are going to feel like they are missing something if you aren’t there because you are a part of our family. You are a very important piece to her life, to my life, to all of our lives. 

I understand, that you feel like a piece of shit right now and it truly breaks my heart that you could think that way. You suffer from a mental illness, that does not mean you are a bad person. Your morals have not failed. Addiction can get anyone, it doesn’t care who you are. Addiction is a disease and it can break down absolutely anyone, but I know you’re strong enough to fight it cause you’re you. 

My entire life you’ve been my idol, one of the strongest people I know, and I have complete faith that you can get through this. It’s up to you to decide when and I’m going to love you no matter how long it takes you to decide. 

Loving you is hard sometimes. Not that it is hard to actually love you, I love you without thinking about it, but because I love you, I have been forced to go through many hard things. 

It’s hard to watch you tear yourself apart because I know you are so much better than this. It’s hard to hear you call yourself a piece of shit because I know you’re so much more than that. It’s hard to ask you to stop doing drugs because I know it’s the one thing that takes that pain away and I’ve dealt with a pain similar, and asking someone to stop doing something that is just relieving their pain is a terrible thing to do, but in this case it is a question that we need to beg of you. 

But the hardest thing about loving you is I don’t know when the chance to love you is going to be taken away from me. Every phone call I get could be someone telling me that you died of an overdose. Every time I see you could be the last time I see you. If you keep on this path, then you’re going to be taken away from me much sooner than you’re supposed to and that isn’t fair because loving you isn’t something that I am ready to stop doing. 

Loving you is hard, but it is more than worth it. 

As I said I’ve been reading online a lot and many family members say that their loved one isn’t the same person. They are conniving people with no aspirations and that drugs have only left behind a shadow of the person they once knew. This isn’t you yet. You are not this person yet and that is how I know that it isn’t too late for you. 

You are still sweet, funny, and hard-working. You still have every good quality that I’ve known my sister to have. Sure, the drugs have changed you some, but deep down my sister is still 100% there. I don’t want you to let this drug keep a hold of you for long enough for people to start hating you. 

I don’t want this drug to destroy every good part of you because I know they are still there, I have seen them. 

These drugs are not your friends. I know they make you feel safe and at peace, but once they are gone you feel ashamed of who you are. For that, I hate these drugs. More than anything on the face of the Earth. 

I hate the drugs for how they make you feel, how they make you think you need them when I know you don’t because you are so much more without them. 

I hate these drugs because if you keep on them, they will take everything away from you. They will convince you to stay away from the people who love you. You’ll never get a job again, you’ll have no money, you’ll wind up homeless and alone. Either that or dead. If you decide to keep on this path and not try to get sober, then all I ask is for you to write your daughter a letter for her to read once she is old enough. Give her a small snapshot into who her mother was because all she’ll have will be pictures and some ashes. I pray that isn’t the decision you make. 

If you keep up with this and you don’t get help, then you’ll lose everything. You’ll lose us first, the people who truly care about you. We love you to death, but this drug will rip you away from us. It will tell you that you don’t need us, you’ll ruin your relationships with us just to get more of it. Then you’ll lose your friends, the ones you think care about you. These drug addicts you hang out with are only with you because they want someone to get high with. Then you’ll lose your place to stay. You’ll eventually be homeless, scraping whatever you can to get some kind of high, and eventually you’ll die from this disease. Addiction will rip you away from absolutely everything and you will be alone if you do not get help. 

That is the cold, hard, terrible, truth. 

A truth that just typing is making me cry. I don’t want to have to tell you this, maybe you already know it, but it is something I need to tell you. This only leads to an even darker place but leaving these drugs behind will give you the life you deserve. It’ll be hard, but it’ll be worth every minute. 

Staying on these drugs will end in death. I know you think you have control, “I don’t do enough to overdose”. No one knows that their last high is going to be their last high. One laced bag and you are gone. Don’t let them take you away from us. 

I know these drugs have already taken so much from you, but don’t let them take anymore. I know you feel as if you have dug yourself into this deep hole, but the first step to getting out is to stop digging yourself deeper. 

You’ve messed up. You messed up when you took these drugs for the first time but move past it. People mess up that’s what happens. Don’t let this one mess up ruin your entire life, quit letting it take more from you. Learn from this.

I can’t imagine how you feel. The regret once you come down from that high, how many times you have promised yourself that it will be the last time, or even why you can’t stop when it is literally tearing your life apart. 

I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I understand, but I am willing to listen and try and I am willing to get you to someone who can understand and help you through this. It hurts to know that I can’t help you because I want more than anything to protect you, I would take this burden from you if I could, truly and honestly, even though I know you would never wish it upon me. But if I can’t help you myself, then I am willing to do anything to get you to the people that can help you. You just have to make the first step in letting me help you. Letting all of us help you. 

There are medical professionals who can explain what is going in your brain and to your body. 

There are counselors and mentors who can help you understand what is happening to you mentally and identify tools to help yourself become sober. 

There are recovering addicts who understand every thought you have and understand what you need to hear to make sure you don’t go back to the drugs. 

And there is your family. We all know you best, we may not know addict you best because it is someone you have wanted to hide from us for so long, but we do know authentic you best. I know just how good of a person you are and I’m going to remind you that you are great for the rest of my life. 

We are all here for you and we all love you so much. We all just want what is best for you.