#they gave me a basic math test and said I was the only one to get all the answers right

[drafty-castle]

As an autistic, the poem is somehow less opaque than the actual fucking tests. I always fail them and lose out on a job every. damn. time. And people tell me I have to lie, tell them what they want to hear. But even that is a trap depending on the place.

Like:

“Do you believe people are generally honest?”

▪️ Yes ▪️ No

If I say yes, then I’m not looking out for thieves and am a liability. No job.

If I say no, then I am the thief and a liability. No job.

There’s no winning.

this is for a part-time job as a barista

[woodle-isbae]

dom tutor armin x reader PLEASE

Feeding yall b4 I dissappear again

Its really hard to understand math , why exactly are there so many formulas and even more numbers . You couldn't even focus during tutoring , not because he was boring but because of the way he spoke , the little crack his voice has when he calls for your attention. And the way he looks. Your Tutor was some Nerd you begged to help you in the library , and how could he say no to the way your doe eyes looked up at him and the little pout? he'd be the dumbest man alive to reject that offer.

''C'mon y/n. You need to focus , we have a test coming up.''

He sighed , setting down his pen and rubbing the bridge of his nose , he was tired having stayed later than usual. He wanted to help you as best as he could and decided if he stayed a bit longer he could help you study even more.

''It just doesn't make sense Minie.''

The nickname you gave him lingered on your tongue , eyebrows knit together while you pouted , getting frustrated from not being able to understand. He gave you an almost sorry look , knowing that you were almost ready to cry from the confusion.

''okay...look , why don't you get us something to drink , a water or a coffee..?''

You nodded and left your room , wanting to do anything that wasn't Math , you contemplated what to get and what he would prefer. opting out for a coffee , even if it would take some time to make you still did it, needing the boost of energy.

after what felt like forever you got the two warm drinks in hand and waltzed back into your room , The blond sitting on your bed while he scrolled on his phone , lifting his head up and thanking you for the drink. You guys took a small break , discussing about things besides why you guys are here , swinging side so side in your chair until Armin said it was time to begin again.

''I...wanna try to teach you differently''

he patted the space next to him on the bed , grabbing the textbook while you sat down. He told you to read outloud the formulas and definitions , doing as told until your words got caught in your throat , his lips grazing over your next and hand pressed on your thigh .

''Continue.''

You stuttered at some words , his lips leaving soft kisses of your shoulder and neck , his hand trailing more and more up your thigh until his thumb grazed your clothed cunt.

''Armin , wait-''

''shh..Your doing good.''

You couldn't even tell what you were saying anymore , the task that had you occupied long gone from your mind , only focusing on the way his fingers dipped into your panties and played with your clit.

''Open your legs more for me.''

And that you did , the book you held tossed somewhere onto your bed , hands gripping onto his blond locs. His other hand occupied , cupping your breast and pinching at your nipple.

He stopped what he was doing , tugging at your shirt for you to take it off along with your skirt , you swiftly removed the articles of clothing and sat infront of him with your legs slightly parted.

"Relax f'me..yeah.?"

You nodded , pupils blown out while you watched him move closer to you , placing a soft kiss on your nipple while his fingers continued their frantic movements

"Y'know Y/n...I couldn't resist saying no that day...the way you looked up at me , I could've bust one out right then and there."

He breathed out into your neck , sucking soft marks as he sped up his pace. His movements making a sudden halt , he shifted down lower and lower until face to face with your core.

"Thank you for serving me."

He said before diving in face first , mouth working on your clit while his fingers pumped into you. The overwhelming sensation catching you off guard.

Your legs locked around his head , hips jerking into and away from his face , a flash of white taking over your sight as your senses basically went numb.

"That's it...breath in 'n out for me."

He placed soft kisses on your clit and up your thighs , making his way up your torso until his head rested on your chest.

"Do you think that was enough studying for today?"

You smirked , hands planted on each side of his face.

"I mean..I do have a Biology test soon aswell.."

"Say less"

[agirlwithglam]

Hi!! I hope I'm not disturbing you but I wanted to ask how do I work hard. Because when I was younger I got really good marks without trying and now the subjects are hard and social media is distracting but I can't seem to delete it. This is also why my grades are even low then before and I'm really afraid to disappoint my parents (being the eldest daughter doesn't help). So can you please just give me some pointers on how can I actually study and not just cry because I don't know how to. Have a great day!! <3

literally omg. is this past me asking me a question?? like actually u have no idea how much i relate and understand this. the "gifted child" who always got good grades without needing to study now finds things more difficult. i know many people have said this, but i actually have been through this not too long ago. i hope these tips help <3

how to work hard + actually study (realistic)

forget hard work. at least do the work! (its so funny because i literally had a post about this all ready in my drafts about to get posted, so i'll keep this short and link the post.) stop focussing on doing hard work like studying 24/7. just put in the basic necessities you need to get a better grade. hard work post link

use the disappointment and embarrassment as fuel. (basically find a very strong why) (mini story-ish thing coming up, skip to the blue text for the actual advice) i still remember the day i got such a bad score on my math and science test, i was FURIOUS at myself and i cried about it! telling it to my parents was one of the hardest things i had to do and feeling their disappointment was even worse. but that became my turning point. i was so ashamed of myself and i resented me so much that i basically just told myself "i dont freaking care what you feel *with distaste*. you brought this on yourself you failure" (a bit very harsh, yes i know) but the way i studied that week- i studied more than i every had before! also doing this doesnt really lower my self esteem a whole lot, but if it does with you, please be gentle with yourself. : so what i'm trying to say it; use that feeling of shame and disapointment as a fuel, a motivation. The big “why”.

ALTER EGOOOSSSS. this helps SOOOO MUCH its so underrated. embody the energy of your fav people who are the academic inspiration you wanna be! example: rory gilmore, paris geller, elle woods, blair waldorf, etc etc! not only is this so helpful but it also makes it so much more fun and easier!!

parent yourself. i used to tell myself to do stuff like "go study now!" or "get up lazy-butt" but in my mind. but what if you tried to say those stuff out loud to yourself? it just creates a whole new level of real. So start telling yourself to do stuff out loud.

honestly just start. stop letting yourself think about how "uncomfortable" and how "annoying" it will be. All you need to know is that you need to get it done. Right? Ok. So now what’s the next smallest step you can take to getting to do the unwanted task? It may be taking out your material, opening your book, etc.

( !! tough love, but very important rant coming up)

You privileged brat. Your parents gave up EVERYTHING so you could have the education that you are having. They worked so so hard for YOU. So YOU can have the life you want. And all for what? Just for you to throw it all away and say “oh im lazy”. HELL NAH.

And also, do you realise how fortunate you are to be even living in such a time/ era where you have access to basically EVERYTHING? You’re stuck on something? You could easily search it up!! And whats more is that you can further learn. You can search up and find out more about the thing that you’re studying, become the smartest person in your class, get so ahead in life. I hope you realise that if you do use all the resources and materials and help that’s been given to you, just imagine how far you could go! Further than Albert Einstine, Elon Musk, etc. you may be like “what! No that’s gonna be too hard!” But did they have the tools that you have right at your hand? No! They made it all the way with just simple stuff and having to work super hard. But you live in a time where you can do TWICE as much without working as hard!!

And one more thing, QUIT WHINING. “Oh school is so hard!” “Oh school is so boring!” Like whattt???? You are so FORTUNATE and LUCKY to be even getting access to such education! MILLIONS of kids out there would kill to be able to learn what you are so easily dismissing right now. So TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHAT YOU HAVE. Put your ALL, your very BEST into studying and getting good grades because THAT is whats gonna take you so SO far in life.

Thank you very much, *mic drop*. (i still ly pookie)

dealing with social media:

put the screen time widget on your phone home screen. i did this, and i became so embarrassed by the amount of screen time i had in one day (*cough* 12 hours *cough*) that i made certain to stop using it as much.

screen time limits. this may or may not help you, bc i know that when i knew the screen time password, it didn't do a lot of help but when someone else did (like parents or someone you trust), then it definitely worked. this is probably only best if you're a child around under 14 ish bc thats around the age when most parents put screen time limits + after that age you're gonna be a lot more independent.

more *extremely* helpful resourses:

tips to decrease your phone screen time by @imbusystudying

how to reduce your screen time in the digital age? (an article)

studying tips from a straight-A student by @universalitgirlsblog2

how to study like paris geller by @4theitgirls

more blogs i recomend:

@elonomhblog @mindfulstudyquest @study-diaries @thatbitchery

xoxo, vanilla

[lastbluetardis]

What Makes a Family (2/?)

Summary: Single parents Rose Tyler and James McCrimmon come together to embark on a whirlwind, passionate romance that seems to be the happy ending neither of them thought they’d get. But when James’s past comes back to haunt them and threatens to tear away everything they’ve built together, they must find a way to weather the storm that will either break them or draw them ever closer, all while answering the question of what it means to be a family.

💜 It’s back!! This is the new and improved version!! 💜

Ten x Rose AU

This Chapter: Teen, ~6800 words

AO3

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“There’s a new boy in my class!”

James McCrimmon looked up from the calendar he was putting together of assignments, projects, and lesson plans for the month of September: there were a few units he was shuffling around, but for the most part, he could use his old calendar from last school year. That was the best part about teaching, in his opinion: once he had his first year under his belt, everything else came much more easily, since he wasn’t starting from a completely blank slate.

His nine-year-old daughter, Alex, skipped cheerily through the door of his classroom, the French braid he’d done for her that morning miraculously still intact and bouncing off her shoulders. She flashed him a grin that stole his heart all over again, and he was suddenly aware of how much he’d missed her over the course of the school day.

“Hiya, darling,” he said, rolling his chair away from his desk and opening his arms for her. She dropped her school bag onto an empty desk, then vaulted into his lap. He gave her a big hug and pecked a kiss to her cheek. “What do you mean there’s a new boy in your class? It’s the first day; isn’t everyone new?”

Alex let out a sigh of the long-suffering. “Well, yeah, but I at least recognized everyone else. But David’s brand new. That’s his name. David. He just moved here, all the way from London.”

“Wow,” James said. “Must be hard for him, starting at a new school and not knowing anyone, huh?”

“I’m gonna be his friend,” Alex said brightly.

His heart swelled; Alex seemed to go through life making it her personal mission to love everyone she met. If only adults could be so kind. Other children, too. Far too many of Alex’s friendships fizzled out because she was too much for them to handle: too loud, too giddy, too energetic. Every time Alex came home crying that so-and-so didn’t want to be her friend anymore, a small piece of him died inside, buried with the friends he, too, had lost through the decades for the exact same reasons. The apple hadn’t fallen far from the tree at all in that regard.

“That’s very kind of you,” he murmured, kissing her cheek again. “How was the rest of your day? High and low?”

“Low: they had tinned pears for dessert at lunch.” Alex pulled the most disgusted face he’d ever seen on a nine-year-old, and James had to stifle a chuckle. He wasn’t sure if his daughter hated pears because he hated pears, or if she genuinely didn’t like the fruit of her own volition. Either way, if that was the worst part about her day, all was well. “It was so gross. I gave mine to Connor, and he gave me the banana his mum packed him in his lunch. High: I won the class spelling challenge and got a lolly. Miss Oswald was testing us to make sure we knew our vocabulary from last year. I did.”

“That’s wonderful, well done,” he praised.

“Your turn,” she prompted. “High and low.”

“Low: I’ve got all these worksheets to mark.” James gestured to the stack of algebra problems that he was using to gauge the sort of maths he needed to review before starting new material with his Year Sixes. He hoped his students remembered their basic arithmetic. “Love the teaching, hate the marking. And my high: I found some new slow cooker recipes that sound yummy. We can try one out this weekend, if you’d like.”

“Ooh, lemme see!”

James absently bounced his daughter in his lap as he pulled up his web browser’s bookmark tab where he’d saved the recipes. He opened each of the ones that caught his eyes in individual tabs, then began showing them to Alex in the order of what he thought she’d like best.

They spent the next few minutes reading the recipes together. While they did, James watched his daughter’s face intently, noting the ones that piqued her interest and the ones she wrinkled her nose at. She wasn’t necessarily a picky eater, per se, but she never consistently had a favorite food; one day she would love spaghetti, then the next wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot pole, and would be back to loving it the following week. It certainly made meal planning a difficult chore.

“This sounds like Chinese takeaway,” Alex said, pointing to the recipe for chicken and broccoli. “Can we do this one?”

“Sure thing. We can stop by the shops after school on Friday to get everything we’ll need.”

“M’kay. I’m hungry,” she announced, hopping out of his lap.

“Yeah? All that talk of food make you a bit peckish?” James rolled his chair back to the mini-fridge he kept beneath his desk and rooted around for an apple and container of yogurt. Before he could ask “Which one do you want?”, Alex snatched the apple and bit into it. A droplet of juice dribbled down her chin.

James handed her a napkin and said, “Once I finish these worksheets, we’ll go home. Do you have anything to work on? Let me see your log book.”

Alex rummaged through her backpack and pulled out a small spiral-bound notebook calendar planner. She handed it to him, and he flipped it open to today’s date. Apart from “read for twenty minutes at home”, she had no other homework. Not surprising, considering it was the first day of school. No teacher he knew assigned homework on the first day.

“Right, once you finish your snack, I’ll let you watch something on YouTube ‘til I finish my grading.”

Alex rolled her eyes and nodded, her mouth too full for her to form a proper reply. He couldn’t help it; even though this was their normal routine—Alex joining him in his classroom at the end of every school day—he could never stop himself from reminding her of the schedule: that he had papers to grade or lessons to plan, so she needed to sit quietly for an hour working on her own schoolwork before they could go home for the night.

The sound of chewing became background noise as James worked swiftly through the problems he’d assigned his class. He had the answer key memorized, so it was a simple enough matter of granting the questions a check mark or an X. He was relieved to see that he wouldn’t need to do too much review, apart from reminding students how to work with fractions in their algebra. They seem to have forgotten that finding a common denominator when adding and subtracting was a requirement, not a suggestion.

He wrapped up his work earlier than usual, right as one of Alex’s YouTube videos came to an end. He stepped up to her, popped her earbuds out, and whispered, “Time to go home.”

She dutifully shut down the computer then set it in his desk drawer where it would be waiting for her tomorrow afternoon, as always.

James slung his bag over one shoulder and guided his child out of his classroom, locking the door behind him. There were a few other teachers milling about the halls, as well as the janitorial staff.

“Goodnight, Mr. O’Brien!”

“Goodnight, Miss McCrimmon.” Graham O’Brien, a kindly, recently-widowed gentleman, sketched a half-bow to Alex, making her giggle and follow up with a curtsey.

Alex bade goodnight to every soul they came across. She knew them all by name, and they, in kind, knew her. Not just as the daughter of one of the teachers, but as a cheery little girl who was genuinely kind to everyone. On more than one occasion over the years, a teacher or staff member came by to tell James of an encounter they had with Alex that had brightened their day, whether it was a card she’d made for them out of the blue, or how she’d complimented their new haircut.

When the pair returned home to their small, end-unit terraced house, the first thing Alex did was race to the back door to let in the bouncing, fluffy creature staring piteously at them through the glass.

“K9!” Alex cried, as though it had been weeks since she’d seen her dog rather than a few hours.

The black-and-while labradoodle danced around Alex’s legs, his entire back half wriggling with excitement and pleasure as Alex smothered him in kisses and scratches. He rolled onto his back, tongue lolling as Alex gave him ample belly rubs.

“Ready to go for a walk?” Alex cooed. “Ready for a walkie?”

K9 bounded to his feet at the “w” word, then eagerly followed his little mistress to her bedroom where she changed out of her school uniform. Likewise, James changed out of his work clothes and put on a worn pair of jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt that would help combat the chill of the evening air. Summer was ending early, it seemed.

When he returned to the foyer, Alex was in the middle of securing the walking harness around their dog, who, despite his rapidly-wagging tail, was standing patiently.

“Got it?” James asked, double-checking her work, even though she’d been proficient with getting K9 harnessed up for years.

“Got it.” She clipped the lead to the harness. “Let’s go!”

K9 pranced in place while James grabbed the house key, then opened the front door. Despite the dog’s eagerness, he didn’t pull on his leash; rather, he let himself be guided out of the house by Alex and stayed right by her heel, letting her set the pace. Those months of obedience training when he was a puppy paid off, helped by the fact that K9 seemed to be a more intelligent than usual animal.

James snapped a quick photo of his child and dog on his phone, then fell into step with Alex. As they walked through the neighborhood, greeting anyone and everyone they passed, Alex continued to recount the minutiae of her school day.

“Miss Oswald assigned a project already,” Alex announced. “On the solar system, due in a couple weeks—September nineteenth. We’ve got to build a model with the sun and all eight planets, but we can include Pluto if we want to ‘cos we know he’s out there, and Miss Oswald said that ages ago Pluto used to be its own planet but then some scientists decided it wasn’t. How does that work? How can they just say a planet isn’t a planet when we know it’s a planet?”

James was about to explain exactly how and why Pluto was demoted, but his daughter barreled on, her question seemingly rhetorical.

“And we’ve got to try and make the planets’ sizes as accurate as possible. Not like, accurate, ‘cos obviously planets are massive, but to scale with each other. Roughly. So Jupiter has to be the biggest—well, the sun is the biggest, but you know what I mean—and Mercury has to be the smallest. And we can try to color-code them if we want, and I do want to, so we have to paint Mercury gray and Venus yellow and Earth green and blue and…”

It was impressive that she hadn’t paused to catch her breath yet, but rather continued to ramble on and on about her project. At least she’s excited about it, James thought. Unlike her project on Guy Fawkes last year.

The assignment had been to play pretend at being a museum tour guide with specialty knowledge of a famous historical figure. Each student was to stand in front of the class and talk for a few minutes about their person. The one mistake Alex’s teacher had made regarding the project was assigning the historical figure to the students, rather than letting them pick one. James understood the rationale; at that age, most eight-year-olds likely didn’t have much experience with historical figures to get a diverse enough representation that wasn’t solely old monarchs. But Alex struggled with the project because she was disinterested in the person she was assigned.

James had practiced with his daughter every night in the days leading up to the presentation, but she utterly refused to cooperate, and had rushed through the spiel of Guy Fawkes with no facts other than the gruesome details of his death. It had been no surprise, therefore, when James had been called into an after-school meeting with Alex and her teacher to discuss why her presentation had gone so poorly, even though she could recite fact after fact about Guy Fawkes when prompted.

Alex’s response had merely been, “Guy Fawkes is so boring. He was part of a failed plot to kill a king, got caught, then died, and now we’ve got Bonfire Night, which is the only good thing about him anyway.”

That had prompted James to tell her that lots of things in her life would be boring, but she needed execute even the most boring of tasks satisfactorily. He wasn’t sure how well the lesson sank in, considering she’d only done marginally better on the second chance her teacher had given her to complete the project. However, the teacher told James that, going forward, students could pick their historical figure, or be assigned one if they couldn’t come up with anyone to research.

Presently, Alex was listing everything she knew about the various planets, from their size to surface temperature to how many moons—if any—orbited around them. She even began to recite some of the names of the moons certain planets had, then asked another rhetorical question about why Earth’s moon didn’t have a proper name like all of the other moons, and that society should come up with a name for it.

James was struck with such pride that he’d created such a clever little human. He would have to tell Alex’s teacher, Clara, that this planet project would probably be Alex’s favorite assignment of the year.

After an hour of walking the familiar streets of their neighborhood, they arrived back home and started on dinner. Alex fed and watered K9 while James tended to their food, warming up leftover chicken parmesan and peas.

“Wanna be Eugene or Olaf?” Alex asked, holding up two blue cups with the respective Disney characters printed on them.

“Either,” he said absently, testing to see if their meals were heated through.

“Eugene, since your hair’s the same,” Alex said with a decisive nod. “I’m gonna be Belle.”

Alex filled their cups with water and plopped down in her usual seat at the kitchen table. Really, it had been a card table from his days at uni, but with just him and his daughter living in their small house, they didn’t need much more space than that.

James mentally rehearsed his lesson plans for the following day while he ate, only half-listening to Alex, who inexplicably still had more to talk about, then they worked together to clean up the dishes from their meal.

And that was their night. Years of engrained habits made for a predictable—if not a little dull—evening, even down to their dog knowing when Alex’s bedtime was. K9 dutifully sat on the floor at the foot of Alex’s bed while James tucked himself onto the edge of her twin-sized mattress to read a few chapters of Matilda together. The book was one of her favorites; they must have read it a dozen times together, enough so that James nearly had the whole thing memorized.

When he reached a good stopping point, James stuffed a bookmark between the pages and set the novel on Alex’s bedside table.

“I like Miss Honey,” Alex said, tucking her arm tightly around his waist and preventing him from leaving her bed yet. He melted back into the mattress, happy to give her more snuggles. “I don’t like Matilda’s mum and dad. They’re mean.”

“Yeah, they are,” he agreed, resting his cheek into her soft, chestnut locks.

“You’re not mean to me,” Alex continued.

“I try not to be. Funnily enough, I like you quite a lot,” he teased, poking her side.

Alex squirmed and breathed out a silent laugh. She yawned and hugged him tighter. “Hey Daddy?”

“Hey whatty?”

“I’m never gonna have any siblings, am I?”

James froze, mind whirring to figure out where the question had come from. Was it the book they’d just read? Matilda had an older brother, but as they established, the Wormwood family was rubbish.

“Well, never is quite the absolute,” he started, scratching at the back of his suddenly-hot neck. “It’s got a sort of finality, doesn’t it? Never…”

Alex sighed, her shoulders drooping. James cringed, and amended his daft response by gently saying, “No, you probably won’t have any siblings.”

“Why not?” she asked, frowning. “I hate being an only child. Everyone else has brothers and sisters except for me!”

James’s heart sank at her outburst. “I’m sure that’s not true. Loads of kids don’t have brothers or sisters—I never did.”

“We had to introduce ourselves to the class today and only one other kid in my class was an only child.” Alex sniffled, wiping at her eyes. “It’s not fair!”

James pulled her close, tucking his cheek to her hair and rubbing long, slow lines down her back. “I’m sorry, darling, but sometimes that’s just the way things are. Sometimes things in life aren’t fair, and it’s really crummy, but we need to find a way to be okay with it.”

She kept her face buried in his chest as she said, “Don’t you want more kids?”

James licked his lips. Alex loosely knew where babies came from and how they were made, but like most nine-year-olds, he didn’t think she truly understood the full picture, or the implications therein.

“Well, for starters, having a baby takes two people,” he hedged. “And it’s just me. So that rather throws a spanner in the works, doesn’t it?”

Alex stilled for a moment, then pulled back to look up at him. Her eyes weren’t nearly red enough for her to have been properly crying, but her distress was unmistakable nevertheless.

“Don’t you want to get married?” she asked curiously.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “It’s complicated.”

If he were being honest, James had considered marriage exactly once: when his on-again, off-again girlfriend, River, informed him that she was pregnant in the summer before their final year at university. And even then, it had been an impulsive proposal on his part. Though he’d only known about the baby for all of thirty seconds, he was determined not to be his father, who’d never acknowledged James’s existence, or his mother, who often left him in the care of his grandparents because she was too busy enjoying her youth to be weighed down by a child.

Thankfully River had knocked some sense into him, and the conversation of marriage had never gone further than those first few minutes.

But since then, there had never been anyone in James’s life he’d considered spending his forever with. There had been Joan, whom he’d dated for slightly over a year when Alex was a toddler, but there hadn’t been any sort of spark between them—just familiarity and a mutual desire not to be alone. Then there was Harry, who, until last Christmas, had been a fellow teacher that James regularly hooked up with after work parties and events. Harry had moved away to Wales, and James found that after the initial pang of loss, he didn’t really miss Harry at all.

He wondered if that meant there was something wrong with him, that nobody ever cared to stay long enough to want to stay forever.

“Well I think you should get married and have lots of babies so I can have lots of siblings,” Alex announced decisively, breaking him out of his maudlin thoughts.

“Duly noted.” James leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “Time to get some sleep. I love you very much. Even if it’s just you and me forever, I’ll never be disappointed with our life.”

A hint of a smile flashed across her lips, and she leaned up to kiss his cheek. “Love you, too. Nighty night.”

He carefully slid off the mattress and tugged the blankets up to her shoulders. Alex grabbed them and hugged them tight to her chest, cocooning herself in their comfort, as she wriggled into the warm spot left behind by his body. He stroked her hair, brushing it away from her face, and moved to exit her room. On the way, he gave K9 a quick scratch behind his ears.

“Good boy. Keep her safe. Chase away her scary dreams.”

The dog snuffled, as though understanding his nightly assignment, and curled up on the floor in a way that he faced the door. James smiled fondly, and left.

He went back to the kitchen and sat with his computer at the table to get a few things finished for his class for the following morning. He proofread the algebra worksheets he’d be giving his students, and triple-checked that he knew how to do all of the practice problems correctly without looking at his notes.

However, the lessons review took longer than he would have liked because he kept getting distracted with the conversation he’d had with Alex. This wasn’t the first time she’d inquired about having siblings—and it probably wouldn’t be the last—but it was the first time she’d expressed such displeasure at being an only child.

Truthfully, James had never considered fatherhood until it had been thrust upon him unceremoniously. While she had turned out to be the best gift of his life, his daughter hadn’t exactly been planned. Though he’d flourished in fatherhood, his child would be hard-pressed to get a sibling, as his dating life over the past almost-decade had been non-existent apart from impersonal hookups on occasion. Even those had cooled in recent years.

Blowing out a tense breath, James stood up, not in the mood to do any more lesson prep, knowing his focus was finished for the night. Instead, he meandered to his bedroom and the locked briefcase he kept in the back of his closet beside his locked safe of sex toys that were surely covered in dust and cobwebs for how infrequently they were used nowadays.

He grabbed the briefcase and flicked the dial to reflect the correct number combination, and popped open the case. It was where he kept all important legal documents for himself and Alex, but at the very bottom of the stack was a small stash of near-pristine photographs. He picked them up, handling them gingerly as though his mere touch would ruin them, and began to leaf through them.

The top-most photograph had been taken by a helpful nurse on the morning of Alex’s birth. James smiled at the sight of his pink, wrinkly, furious-looking baby. Her brows were knitted and her little lips were puckered into a frown, as though she couldn’t believe the audacity of the universe to force her into existence.

At the time this photograph had been taken, James hadn’t yet held Alex. His baby was instead resting on her mother’s chest.

James’s eyes wandered to the wild-haired woman cradling Alex to her breast. River. Part of James balked to refer to River as Alex’s mother, because what kind of mother abandoned her newborn child without a word, without an explanation. What kind of mother walked away and never looked back? James hadn’t heard from River in the nine and a half years she’d been gone; he didn’t even know if she was still alive.

He forced his long-held resentment at bay, knowing that River’s leaving was probably for the best. If she’d stayed, James knew in his heart of hearts their relationship never would have lasted. It would have crumbled to ash, and River would have gotten primary custody of their daughter—James would’ve been lucky to see his child on a weekly basis. He couldn’t imagine not having Alex every day, not tucking her into bed every night and hearing her say, “Nighty night, Daddy. I love you.”

A physical ache lodged somewhere behind his ribs until he reminded himself that he did have Alex with him, and always would. No, despite the initial terror and pain of abandonment, things had worked out for the best. Still, despite knowing he was better off without River, sometimes he yearned for the comfort of being with someone he was familiar with; he could always lose himself in her, for better or worse. Nobody ever talked about how lonely it was being a single parent; it was always about how hard it was to be the sole caretaker of a young child, or how rewarding the joy of parenthood was. And it was hard, and rewarding, but it was also incredibly isolating. There weren’t many opportunities to go out and meet people; or, if he did get a chance to go out, it was usually to take Alex on a playdate, where he would hang out with other parents who all seemed to be happily married or otherwise taken.

How did people do this, go on dates? Sure, he’d gone on plenty of dates when he’d been an unencumbered bachelor, but that had been at university, where he’d been surrounded by other horny young adults looking for a bit of fun. It was almost as if that part of his life had been lived by someone else. Someone with charm and charisma, someone without a care in the world, who didn’t know the meaning of responsibility even if it smacked him in the face.

It had been so easy back then. He had made dozens of friends from sheer proximity, had been invited to loads of parties where it was no trouble at all to drunkenly make out with whomever caught his fancy that night. No strings attached.

But now, he found, he wanted some strings. Now that he’d begun fixating on Alex’s of question about whether he wanted to get married, he couldn’t stop. What would it be like, knowing there was someone he could come home to, could fix dinner with, could share the household chores with? How comforting would it be to know there was someone with whom he could share all of his secrets and fears and dreams?

The thought of this mysterious figment of his imagination lodged a lump in his throat that he had a hard time swallowing down.

James cursed, frustrated with and sorry for himself. He replaced the photographs—all of which featured the long-lost River Song—back into his briefcase, before returning it to his closet, once again locking his past firmly away. He was luckier than most. He had a wonderful child, a stable job, and a nice (albeit small) home. And a dog. How could he possibly want anything more than that?

Damn Alex and her questions. And damn himself for getting stuck on this train of thought. He was a twenty-nine-year-old single father, and being a father would always come first. He would never trade his child for anyone, not even if the universe would guarantee him his perfect soulmate in exchange. Alex was his life’s greatest achievement, his greatest gift, his greatest joy. But dating as a single dad was hard. Most people weren’t exactly content to be second-best in a relationship, because that’s what they would be. His daughter would take priority, and there was no compromising that.

If only there was a way to advertise up front what his expectations were in a relationship, he lamented.

That thought brought him pause. Advertise…

He lived in the twenty-first century, didn’t he? He had the entire internet at his disposal, humankind at the tips of his fingers.

Before he could lose his nerve, James grabbed his phone from his pocket to send a message to one of his oldest friends. “Hypothetically, if one were to sign up for a dating app, which app should one choose?”

He should have known better than to think this entire conversation could be a text thread. Barely a minute after he sent the message, his phone buzzed in his palm with an incoming call: Jack Harkness.

With a heavy exhale, James flopped onto his couch and accepted the call.

“Doth mine eyes deceive me, or is James McCrimmon actually trying to get laid?”

James rolled his eyes, even as a ghost of a grin pulled up the corners of his mouth. “Good evening to you, too, Jack. And it was a hypothetical scenario, remember?”

“Well, hypothetically, I think you’re looking for a shag.”

“No,” James said with more patience than his friend probably deserved, “I’m just, y’know, entertaining the possibility of going out on a date. Getting to know someone. That’s all.”

“Getting to know someone biblically?”

“Jack!”

His friend laughed boisterously on the other end of the phone. “All right, all right. You’ll want to avoid Tinder then. Loads of horny people on that app. I assume you’re not looking to shag on the first date? You haven’t done that since uni.”

James’s cheeks and ears heated a bit. “Well, I’m not opposed to it, if there’s chemistry. But I’d prefer to meet someone who’s interested in a long-term relationship. I don’t want any quick, meaningless flings. I want, well, I want a partner. And I want someone who knows how important Alex is to me, and who accepts that and won’t try to change it.”

“I hear you loud and clear.”

Jack then launched into a ten-minute spiel about the various dating apps James could try, as well as providing his opinion on which ones would probably work best for what James was looking for. James digested all of the information as it poured out of his friend’s mouth, making a mental list of pros and cons for the recommended apps.

Once his app of choice was downloaded onto his phone, James continued speaking to Jack for advice on how to best advertise himself.

“I’m a man, interested in any gender, looking for… why can’t I click both friendship and serious relationship?” James asked as he set up his profile. “I’d like to be friends with my future partner. Doesn’t everyone want to be friends with the person they’re dating?”

“Funnily enough, it often doesn’t cross peoples’ minds to be friends with their significant other,” Jack drawled. “Not like you can talk; you and River were just fuck buddies.”

James bristled a bit, even though Jack wasn’t exactly wrong. But there was a bit more nuance to it. At least that’s what James always told himself. “We were friendly enough. We appreciated each other’s company to keep seeing each other throughout our days at uni. And we shared enough fondness for one another that we moved in when we learned of the pregnancy.”

“Well, yeah, ‘cos you’re a decent guy,” Jack argued. “Anyone else would’ve scampered away and refused to acknowledge that they’d ever had sex with the girl they’d knocked up. You know, it’s funny… you did the stereotypically “woman” thing by doing the best by your child and staying for her, while River did the stereotypically “man” thing by swanning off to God knows where.”

“Wasn’t very funny from where I was sitting,” James grumbled.

“You know I didn’t mean it like haha-funny. Peculiar-funny is what I meant. You know I was furious with River, too.”

James sighed and rubbed the heel of his hands into his eyes. “Yeah, I know. Thanks. But we’re getting sidetracked. I’m just gonna click that I’m looking for something serious. Oh Jesus, how do I describe myself in five hundred characters or less?!”

“Hmm, let’s see… Single dad looking for a life partner but will show you a good time too. Flaming hot sexy teacher who would be down for some kinky roleplay…”

“I’m trying not to attract one-night stands, thanks,” James interrupted. “Shut up and let me think.”

It was more difficult than it should have been, but after a few minutes of typing, deleting, and editing, James finally read out his profile bio: “I’m interested in finding a romantic partner. I’m a single dad of a beautiful nine-year-old girl who is my whole world. We like to play board games together and take walks with our dog. She likes to experiment in the kitchen, so we’re always cooking and baking. We love to travel, and we make a point of visiting a city we’ve never been to on school holidays. We also enjoy quieter pastimes of visiting museums or art galleries. If any of this appeals to you, send me a message.”

James knew he’d done something wrong by the series of impatient sighs Jack let out the longer he rattled off his information.

“As delightful as Alex is, people want to date you, not your daughter,” Jack said, exasperated.

Face heating, James skimmed back over what he’d written and mumbled, “Well, it’s all true. I can help it. Alex is my life.”

“I know she is,” Jack said softly. “But you know you’re allowed to have a life apart from your child, right?”

“Pfft. Nobody ever told me that.” James groaned and scrubbed his hands down his face. “It’s hopeless. I’m hopeless. I’m nearly thirty and have no bloody idea how to get somebody to go on a date with me. I can’t even figure out online dating.”

“You’re a perfect catch for someone,” his friend soothed. “But to find that someone, we need to tailor your profile a little bit. I’m not saying to cut out all mentions of Alex, because your future partner should know how seriously you take this fatherhood thing. But you need to put more of yourself into it. Believe it or not, you’re a pretty great person. I have no regrets from our twelve-year friendship.”

Jack’s words did little to quell the acid churning through James’s gut. “Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. Maybe I should, I dunno, join a chess club and meet someone that way.”

“No no no, don’t give up yet,” Jack cajoled. “We can figure this out. There’s got to be someone on this damp little island who wants to fall in love with your ridiculously big heart and shag your clever little brains out. Let’s think: you’re dead clever and dead sexy. You know how to have a good time but can also enjoy a lazy day in. You’re a devoted dad and are eager to bring someone else into your tight-knit family unit. You’re looking for friendship and companionship with your romance.”

James hurriedly typed out all of Jack’s suggestions as he said them until they were hindered by the character count limit. They then spent time tweaking the phrasing and descriptions of the main aspects of James’s personality so that all of his strengths were put on clear display in a neat, concise bio.

“Oh bugger, I don’t have any photos of myself,” James muttered when he moved forward in his profile creation. “My phone is full of Alex, or she’s in all the photos with me.”

“That’s fine, as long as your face is there too. And not half out of frame.”

“No, I just… I don’t want my nine-year-old daughter’s face on an app meant for adults to find companionship in every definition of the word. What if some creep sees her and takes an interest and hacks my account and finds her and…”

James knew he was spiraling into an anxiety attack about something that had such a microscopic chance of happening, but he couldn’t help but think of one of his students last year, who had gone through the tribulations of a criminal trial because she’d been sexually abused by someone in her neighborhood.

“James, breathe,” Jack instructed, his voice firm but kind. “Let me send you some photos. Take a look, and see if you’re comfortable with them. Grab a glass of wine or something in the meantime.”

James did indeed pour himself a healthy measure of wine as he waited for whatever Jack was coming up with. To assuage his still-racing heart, James shuffled down the hall and poked his head into Alex’s room. She was safely in her bed, her blankets pulled up to her chin, her breathing deep and slow. His muscles unclenched, and he felt like he could breathe easily again.

“You still there?” Jack’s voice was faint from the living room, and James hurried back.

“Yeah, I’m here. What did you do?”

“Take a look. I texted you something.”

James set his wine on the coffee table and picked up his phone to look at his messages. Jack had sent him six photos. Alex was in four of them, and in each of those, he’d covered her face with a cartoonish image of a smiling orange flower in sunglasses.

“I didn’t even think of doing that,” James said sheepishly.

“I figured. Does that help?”

“Yeah. Loads. Thanks, Jack.”

James uploaded the photos, and hovered with his thumb overtop the publish profile button. “Do you… do you really think this will work?”

“I think it will work if you want it to work,” Jack answered. “Relationships take time and effort. You may find a few bad eggs along the way, but when you find some good ones, you need to make the effort to get to know them. This isn’t a magical fix. It’s just a way to stream-line conversation.”

James nodded. “Yeah. I’ll keep that in mind. Well. Here it goes.”

He held his breath, and pressed the button. The screen faded a little for a few seconds, before brightening back up with his new, shiny dating profile. Along with it, the app began showing him a rotating pool of potential matches for him. However, his brain was fried and he didn’t think he had the energy to read anyone else’s profile tonight. He closed the app and set his phone on his chest as he once again slouched into his couch.

He was about to work on ending the conversation with Jack when his friend asked, “If you don’t mind, why the sudden urge to start dating?”

James sighed. “I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.”

“You’re not middle-aged, so it’s more of a third-life crisis, but go on.”

James told Jack about Alex’s behavior at bedtime, and how upset she was that she didn’t have siblings, which led to him reevaluating what he wanted from life.

“I’m lonely,” he said at the end of his explanation. “I love my daughter with every fiber of my being, but…”

“But it’s not the same as having adult companionship,” Jack finished gently. “I get it. It’s okay, you know. You can be content with your life on the whole, but still wish for more.”

“It’s hard for me to acknowledge that without it feeling like I’m somehow displeased with Alex. Or I feel guilty because I’m admitting she’s not enough, when she is. Or I feel like I shouldn’t complain about my lot in life because I have the most perfect daughter in the world.”

“Well, you’re a bit biased on that assessment,” Jack teased. “But she is rather great, isn’t she?”

“The best,” James agreed. Then he let out a huge yawn. “Blimey, we’ve been chatting for an hour and a half. I should get to bed.”

“Yeah, me too. Give my love to Alex. When can Yan and I see her next? Wanna come over for dinner on Friday to celebrate the first week of school?”

“That sounds great. Thanks. We’ll bring dessert, as usual.”

“Perfect. See you then. Goodnight.”

James ended the call, then chugged the last of the wine in his glass before shuffling off to bed. When he stepped into his bedroom, though, a surprise waited for him: Alex was tucked under the blankets, and K9 was sprawled on the floor beside her.

Odd—he hadn’t heard her leave her room, and he’d just checked on her a half hour ago. James approached his daughter and pressed the backs of his fingers to her forehead, fearing an illness had drawn her to the comfort of his room. But her skin wasn’t any warmer than it ought to be.

She stirred at his touch, her eyelids lazily fluttering open. She blinked blearily, her gaze unfocused.

“Hiya, darling,” he whispered, kneeling in front of her. “You feel okay?”

“Marchin’ in the fields,” Alex slurred. “Keep up.”

James suppressed a chuckle as her eyes slid closed again. He stroked her hair away from her face, concluding that nothing more than sleepwalking—a habit she’d had since toddlerhood and was ever-so-slowly growing out of—had brought her to his bed. James left her where she was; she’d mosey back to her room if she wanted to.

Silently, he changed into pajamas, washed his face, and brushed his teeth before climbing into bed. Alex remained dead asleep, curled on her side facing away from him. His heart clenched with a flood of affection, and he leaned over to kiss the back of her head.

“Good night, sweetheart. Daddy loves you.”

[happysweetstuff]

ENTRY - 10/30/2024

(tw: sh,ed)

I finally used the gauze bandage I bought and took some from my mom's cabinet. I struggled to remove a makeshift bandage from my wound, using water to help. After cleaning the wounds with soap and water, I wrapped them with gauze and bandages. I wore my PE uniform instead of the proper one since I don’t have a spare. I hid the extra gauze, hoping my mom wouldn’t find it. When she called me for tea, I said I’d be late and explained why I was in my PE uniform.

7:40 a.m

I arrived at school confused by my busy classmates and checked my phone. I saw my advisor's message about wearing the proper uniform, but it was too late for me. I hadn’t checked my phone last night and missed a quiz reminder from my teacher, which panicked me. When the teacher came in and asked if we were ready, I thought, "Hell no!" She said the quiz would be easy, then returned with the test papers.

After taking the quiz, I'm pretty sure all of my answers were wrong, and to make sure, I went to check my notes, and yup, half or maybe even all of my answers were wrong, yay (⁠´⁠ε⁠｀⁠ ⁠) Oh, and there was also another teacher who went inside talking about something I don't remember because I didn't really listen. 

Second period started, and we had to change seats, which I dislike. Our teacher didn’t show up, so I checked my phone for any updates. She mentioned we should continue our performance task, writing a critique letter. Spoiler alert: I hadn’t started because I didn’t know how. I ended up watching TikTok instead. Then we had to change seats again for math in third period.

Our math professor came in and surprised us with a pre-test, which is basically a quiz that won’t affect our grades. I didn’t understand anything, it was all about business stuff that we hadn’t covered. I answered randomly, grateful for the multiple-choice options. We had to check our own papers, which seemed odd. I scored 11/25, which isn’t great, but at least it wasn't a zero. When the professor called out scores, I noticed he missed mine, so I told him. After he recorded my score, he left.

In fourth period, we had science, and since I was absent last week, our teacher gave us a recap on life. I took pictures to take notes later. My classmates were really annoying, asking childish and perverted questions. Just because the lesson was about life doesn’t mean it’s okay to be disrespectful to the teacher. Luckily, our teacher was laid-back and joked back, but if it were a stricter teacher, they’d be in big trouble. I just wish they’d keep those comments to themselves and talk about that stuff with friends, not in class.

Class ended, and while packing my bag, some classmates invited me to get requirements from our old school. I agreed, but we learned only one person needed to go, so I headed home instead. I ate while watching "Noli Me Tangere" on Netflix. I remembered my science teacher claimed that if someone doesn’t eat for over three days, they'll die, but I’ve fasted for four days before. To prove her wrong, I’m considering a longer fast to lose weight and might document it. I’ll keep you updated! ♡⁠(⁠>⁠ ⁠ਊ⁠ ⁠<⁠)⁠♡

I told my mom we’d wear Filipiniana outfits for a school event tomorrow, and she started getting ready. While I was watching a movie, she asked how many bracelets I made, and I initially thought she meant my scars, which surprised me when she touched my bracelets (⁠─⁠.⁠─⁠|⁠|⁠）After she went to get my outfit, I checked my phone and saw the event was canceled and moved to next week. My mom came back looking upset. The rented dress was cute, but I felt big in it after eating ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ I mentioned the cancellation, and she just said, "Okay."

My mom asked me to bake using the extra bananas we had before they rotted, so I rolled them up with Nutella in sliced bread and put them in the oven since we don’t have a microwave. I prefer the oven because it’s easier to clean. While waiting, I thought about buying tarot cards, though I don’t know much about them. I also checked out cosplays for Otakufest on January 18, 2025, which I’m excited for \⁠(⁠ϋ⁠)⁠/⁠♩ even if it’s still a while away. Once the banana Nutella rolls were done, my mom and I enjoyed them together.

At night, I went upstairs to write down my notes when my mom came in to say that only two baby hamsters were left, we started with six. Confused, I went downstairs and confirmed my mom's words. I suspected the mother hamster had eaten the other four (⁠・⁠o⁠・⁠) Using a plastic spoon, I checked to make sure they weren’t just hiding. I researched what to do and learned I should separate the mother, so I moved her to a different container. I also remembered I had taken some bandages from my mom's cabinet earlier. Thankfully, I finished my notes too.

[riansdiary]

i have a question about law of assumption, if there is so much people who are in law of assumption for long years like 3 to 4 and isn't that proof itself that loa is a lie? i mean how can you teach yourself something for over 3 years yet have nothing? i compare it to this i'm horrible at math and i cried in math class daily but if you gave me a test and 3 years to learn i"m 190 % sure i would do it perfectly...

Ah I know exactly what you're talking about. Law of assumption is literally backed by science though so I don't know why there's still doubts about it.

First, those people that you're talking about probably have over consumed and instead of accepting their desires as theirs which is the basics of it, they instead whine and focus more on the circumstances. I'm sure you've heard of this saying before. Whatever you focus on grows.

That means if those people are failing for so long with not even one manifestation then it means that they were taught the wrong thing and that they've been accepting the 3d as truth. They have been focusing on what they do not want. They're focusing on the lack. They are giving up so quickly.

There are many factors why they could fail. They're either over consuming, not applying or again paying attention to what they don't want. I was that person before too but I found and applied what felt right and what worked for me so I now know how to do it properly.

To be honest, they're not really failing because the law cannot fail you. They are simply persisting on what they don't want instead. There are people who persist in their circumstances and why they can't manifest instead. You cannot serve two masters. You either have it or you don't. They are probably going back and forth between having and not having. It's not gonna manifest that way.

As I said, it's only what they're persisting about. If loa is a lie then why then did a lot of people here in Tumblr and from everywhere manifest what they want? Including me. I wouldn't be here writing my success stories if it's a lie and it's literally a law similar to the law of gravity. In short, I wouldn't have a new house, my boyfriend or my other success stories if the loa really is fake.

If there are people who failed then why are there even more who succeeded? It's the way they're doing it.

It's not the law that is a lie. It's just that they're not really fully applying or they keep focusing on the lack or they give up quickly. They're persisting on not having what they want. Those are the reasons I know that have made me fail before.

[mattslolita]

okayyy basically first period we had religious studies an cuz im just soo smart i got like 84 out of 96 on my christianity and islam paper. 😇we did the test before the holidays an they gave the results back ONLY now 😒 anyway thats completly irelevant... 🤣 but we hav a new seating plan AGAINNN and i sit next to my boyfriend woooo!! but.. he kept saying he was sleepy cuz he slept for 3 hours only. so he kept leaning on me and my teacher kept tellin him to get off of me 😭

then 2nd i cant even remeber what we had but the teacher gave him a detention cuz he had trainers on instead of "school schoes" LMAO! but the thing is they literally nike air forces like, jus got a logo an its an issue? same style shoes from fucking idk KICKERS 😭 would be PERFECTLEY fine! he was also in a bad mood cuz he dint sleep 😤 so he was arguin with him and ended up gettin taken out the class.. they srsly worry bout the stupidest things but things like bullying or EVEN racism r just IGNORED!!!!! for example one of my friends wears a hijab and theres this old ass teacher whos jewish (not an issue but it needs to be said for my point!)who keeps giving her dirty looks and saying things in arabic to her but she dont understand it? one boy who can understand him once said he told her she was "going to hell" and "following the wrong religion". LIKE? WHAT THE ACTUALLL FUCK? hes disgusting!!! hes also... got an israel flag in his classroom? like hows that even allowed? not even the point that i support palestine. its the fact theyre allowed to hav that in their room and its not an issue? cuz things like fucking voting for a new prime minister was kept secret by teachers cuz apparently they dont want "to influence us" but thats okay and wont influence ANYONE???? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE? yuckkk

then last period we had maths and my bf kept complaining that his head was hurtin and cuz the schl wont let u go to the ofice to get paracetamol or any medication during lesons, we bring our own.. (which SUPRISEEE!! is not allowed) and i went to give him one and this fucking bitch comes up to me and says that i should not be bringing that to school, who knows if that actually medicine, and that ill need to go the head teacher to explain y i decided do that as it was unsafe. 🤣 like 3 years ago they sent my friend home for taking paracetamol at schl cuz they thought he was gonna overdose? uhhh he had 1? 1!!!!!!! LMAO! he had a HEADACHE!! i said i wasnt going bc i dint actually DO anything and we would just waste time for literally no reason.. ofc she didnt like that and said i was talking back an being disrespectufl. i went but the head teacher kinda likes me so she said it was okay but i shouldnt do it again and i said i wouldnt (absolutle fucking lie) then when i came bakck my boyfriend took his water bottle and said to me "ive got vodka in here" and i said "thought u said u stopped all that" as A JOKE! bc i know he obviously DOES NOT hav vodka in his bottle LMAO. but this teacher was like "well now i need to smell it to see if ur being serious" he started laughing an got sent out 😭 its actually becoming an issue atp LOLL.

ughhh cant wait to leaveeee!!!!! and SORRY its SO LONG 🫢

good job on ur religions test love !! so proud of you 🫶

here they go messing w ur bf again😭😫 AND UNT UNT THAT TEACHER MESSING WITH UR ARABIC FRIEND ??? HE'LL REALLY CATCH THESE HANDS CAUSE YOU NOT FINNA GIVE POOKIE DIRTY LOOKS & TALK SHIT THE FUCK ?? AND HES A FUCKING ISRAEL SUPPORTER WHAT THE FUCK.

ur school is weird as fuck, like the rules & shit don't make no sense to me. anyone should be allowed to go to the medical office if their feeling sick or just not feeling well like wdf ??

[the-bunny-burrow-archives]

Ok, it is time I actually get to this, so uh um here's the first book review for "The Bunny Burrow Archives"!!!! Mlem mlem mlem mlem mlem.

I will warn it's been a bit since I've done a book review, so if you have any critiques like ever over how I do my book reviews, please do not hesitate. I can take criticism. Unless like said criticism is like "fuck you that made no sense and it's just bad"

Anyway, here is the cover of the book that I very much enjoyed!

Please note that I am going to be using the words science and medicine interchangeably because I am unsure which is the more appropriate term.

Personally, Dr. John S. Tregoning, in my opinion, has written one of the best books over medicine and pathogens I've ever read. Mostly because it is the first book I've ever read over those topics, unless you count science textbooks from like school, but meh. Honestly, the material taught in this book is worth so much more than my schooling ever gave me. Not only because Tregoning had incredibly crystal clear explanations for stuff I have next to no understanding for. But also how well it structured and laid out.

Before getting into the main topic of the book "Pathogens and How We Fight Them," Tregoning ensures the reader has enough of an understanding of the topics before getting into them. Thankfully, he has a sense of humor and doesn't write it out to sound like some boring math lesson or a book review >_< He goes over so much that I am surprised he is able to fit it all in 340 pages. Given how much information there was, I honestly should read it a second time to ensure I have a clear understanding of everything buuuut meh.

Infectious mentions all forms of pathogens, including viruses, bacteria, fungie, and parasites. Whilst giving the science lesson of a life (better than like crash course science on YouTube), he also gives a detailed history of how far medicine and science have come. Including mentioning the stupidity of some doctors from the dark ages. I feel it's kinda of a more well-known fun fact that doctors used to not wash their hands cause they couldn't explain why it helped, so they didn't bother with such a basic task. But did you know that apparently some doctors used to wear blood stains on their aprons kinda of like a show of pride, thinking that having a bunch of blood splashes on it meant you were a good doctor. Honestly, hearing that was like wtf how could they think something so barbaric, but then again, this was before many of the advancements in the field of medicine, and also in the dark ages of medicine.

I will say I do really like chapter 14 because it offers a doctors very detailed explanation as to why anti vaxxers exist. Like 20 pages worth of an explanation better than any 3 page article on some news or whatever site. And I especially appreciated the new insult for people who can't wear a mask properly <i>Maskentrottel</i> or, in other words, a mask idiot in German.

Since this book was being written during covid, it does mention it a fair bit. Along with an explanation to the question, "How did covid get a vaccine so fast when it took longer for every other vaccine in history?" (Imagine me saying this in a mimimimi voice). Other than the obvious of hello, the whole world was working on it in a collective effort, and the fact that science and medicine constantly get more advanced. It also mentions the breakthrough that lead to a vaccine.

I honestly don't know how to structure this review mainly because there is so much to talk about. Whether it be mentioning how poop influences our microbiomes at birth which goes to determine how our immune systems are formed all the way. Up to how to know whether or not a scientific study or science paper is trustworthy. There was so much.

I will say I kinda wished I would've seen a mention of the unreliability for the studies done during the AIDs scare/pandemic saying ONLY gay men get it. Mainly because straight people wouldn't bother with STD testing or anything of the sort at the time in fear of being called gay, and maybe also due to them having a less care about sexual health at the time. But then again, he did do an amazing job covering it, and that's kinda just me being picky about that. Please do not mistake me for being like mad or disappointed it wasn't mentioned I'm just using this as a way to say, "Did you know?"

The biggest critique I have is that with the amount of information within this book, I felt it to be a little cramped and sometimes hard to keep up with everything. Maybe it would've been best to have it like a two part book or just make it bigger, cause I like my books thick anyway. But regardless, I still very much enjoy this and highly recommend it because it's a great read.

[invece-sto-sdraiato]

I think now that I’ve finally calmed down (orrr atleast that’s what I think I’m doing) I need to get this out of my system. Sorry for the rambling 😢

On Monday, I got my final exam scores. My parents saw them before me, and the “try-not-to-look-too-upset” look gave it all away. I saw them and my mind just went blank. Before I even realised, the tears started to fall already. (Forgive me if this sounds very dramatic, i unfortunately have set too much high standards for myself)

My parents consoled me, or atleast tried to. See, the scores weren’t that bad like- not the worst case scenario, but I could’ve done much better. I know that. Physics was shockingly low (80%) and believe me that was painful to digest considering it’s my favourite subject (and it’s easy to score marks, usually)

The next minute, my dad opened his excel sheet. The one where he collected five years worth of data for which college would accept my cut-off (a cut-off is a method of scoring where you consider the average of physics and chemistry score and add it to the maths score. This method is purely for engineering college counselling)

We slowly realised that my options were pretty less than expected. I couldn’t get into the highly ranked colleges. I very obviously started panicking, cause then we would have to pay a lot of money to get into the good ones.

And then the universe sorta decided that maybe that was enough torture; and my dad found three colleges that accepted a low enough cut-off and had the course I wanted. In Coimbatore. Which is approximately 500 kms away from here. (Ok ok i wasn’t too unhappy about it, one of the colleges is ranked second in this state but, i was still hesitant) but you know, beggars can’t be choosers :’(

Well after all of this, yesterday, my dad told me that I STILL kind of had a chance to get into a college right here in this city. But only through the management quota. (basically that means higher fees) He said that if I attended their aptitude test, and I get a good enough score, they might consider calling me for an interview (even with my low cut-off) and if I answer all their questions confidently (apparently that’s very important) I might, just might get into this college.

Keep in mind that I’m using the word “might”. If I do get called, it would only be by pure luck. So I am currently preparing for the test and interview.

I just hope they’ll give me a chance. But if not, it’s still okay. Yeah I would be 500 kms away from my family and my childhood home, but it would be so fucking worth it, if I can get a good education.

[billyssluttywaist007]

SORRY IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO POST THIS I HAD TO DO SOME MATH 😭🙏🏼

but the name Lyra won!!

and yes in the poll here it didnt really say that Lyra won but i qlso took a few polls from discord as well, and did some math and Lyra technically won

press more to read abt some of her background info too!!

Lyra Nightshade is a goat thiren and an Ether & Anomaly agent. She was orphaned at a pretty young age and never knew her parents that well. She grew up fascinated by the idea of being a witch, she wanted to be one when she grew up. But the other kids and staff at the orphanage didnt encouraged her, telling her that witches arent real and its not a good idea to become one. Lyra didnt care though. It only made her want to work harder. She liked to take the brooms from the closets at the orphanage and try to fly on them, which obviously it didnt quite work out that much and would get her in trouble too.

Lyra eventually taught herself how to make little potions and how to control ether mater, she made a plan that at midnight on her birthday, she planned to sneak out of the orphanage and go inside of a hollow to test her might. She went to the ballet twin towers to explore inside the hollows there. She found herself wandering through the halls and occasionally fighting off a few ethereals. It wasnt long before Victoria Housekeeping found her wandering around. Lycaon was wondering what she was doing wandering around by herself in the middle of the night especially at such a young age. Lyra explained that she just wanted to explore and didnt mean any harm. Lycaon didnt fully believe her story and asked her to leave, to which Lyra talked back explaining that she didnt want to leave and go back to the orphanage. Rina started talking to Lycaon, saying that she could be a great addition to Victoria Housekeeping. Lycaon thought about it for a moment before telling Rina that shes an orphan and they cant just take her in. To which Rina happily said that she would adopt her. Lycaon was surprised that she was quick to make such a decision but agreed to let her become a member of Victoria Housekeeping.

Rina returned Lyra to the orphanage and quickly adopted her. Lyra was so thrilled and happy to be able to call Rina her mom. Rina gave her the basics of being a maid and how to serve guests and clients with the upmost care. And not before long, Lyra was one of the best maids around!

this isnt relevant to her story but art itself took 11 hours😭

anyways thanks for reading if you did! bye bye!!

[biggestdev]

Converting a battery backup to Lithium because I hate myself

I've got a whole bunch of battery backups in my home, one on each computer, and a big one in my server rack in the basement. I've also got a few out "in the wild" at some of my family's places. They're great, where I live in the northeast US, the power grid is stable enough that most outages are only minutes long, and these backups (technically called a UPS - Uninterrupted Power Supply) do a great job keeping computers running through them.

My issue is the batteries. They all run on lead acid batteries, aka the same kind that's in your car, and they dont last long in this kind of environment, I'm lucky if I get 3 years out of one. On top of that, their battery life detection is terrible, It's about a 50/50 shot whether I get a warning about a dead battery pack before the next power outage takes it down without warning. Keeping track of that with just one or two is annoying, let alone 10 of them!

Lithium UPS's exist, and theoretically last many years longer, but they are many times more expensive than a normal backup. I'd like to not spend new-car money replacing a dozen UPS units, so I did some math instead.

I have a husk of a ups (no battery), and I tested it out: the open circuit voltage on the battery cable is 27.6 volts, which just happens to be almost the exact voltage needed to float charge a series of 8 Lithium-iron-phosphate (LiFePo4) batteries!

Why is that exciting? Usually when you think of lithium batteries, you think of lithium-ion (also can be called lithium-polymer) batteries. These are the batteries in your laptop and phone... And also Tesla cars. They hold more energy than a LiFePo4 battery, but are very sensitive to temperature, over and under-voltage, over-charging, and over-current conditions. Abuse them too hard, and they swell up and pop! That's why Teslas seem to catch fire more often than other cars: most other companies gave up range for a battery chemistry that isn't a ticking time bomb, like LiFePo4.

These LiFePo4 batteries can take a beating compared to Li-ion ones. Most importantly, they can be "float" charged, that is, left on the charger 24/7, without worrying about overcharging it and blowing caustic smoke everywhere. This is critical, because I'm attempting a direct drop-in swap for the old lead battery in this UPS, because float charging a lead battery is basically a requirement, and doing that to a Li-ion battery is asking for a fire!

Using a Li-ion pack would require a custom charging circuit, as the UPS's 27.6V is not correct for any configuration of Li-ion, and would either under charge the pack, losing me 50% of my capacity, or overcharge it, and make it explode. It would also have to stop the batteries from being float charged, again to keep the battery from exploding, while fooling the UPS into thinking a battery is still attached so it doesn't beep at me all the time, and my head is spinning just thinking about how that would work. Much easier to give up capacity for a simpler, and more robust battery.

This UPS can deliver 900 watts of power on battery, that equates to roughly 30 amps of current from the 27.6V battery pack. Adding a safety factor, I bought a BMS (Battery Management System) rated to 50 amps. A BMS is essential, as it offers extra protection against short circuits, over and under-charging and temperature cutoff. Also cell balancing, which keeps all the cells at the same level of charge during use (if they go out of sync-that's bad, is all I'll say for now). The batteries are rated for 120 amps continuous draw, so I am well under the limit where the cells would self-immolate.

With all that said, here's the guts:

Looking close, you might see that I had to cut some plastic out to make it all fit. That's an error on my part-I didn't measure right. If I make more, I'll definately be using a smaller cell, so it will be a proper "drop in" mod. Lots of drilling, cutting, and filing to make this all fit!

It took several hours to link up the cells, terminate the balancing wires (the small red spindly ones), and and stuff them in the battery box. That's a LOT longer than I was hoping it would take, but the on-the fly mods took a lot of time. but eventually, it all fit in, and I was able to test it:

It works! I unplugged it from the wall, and it stayed on! For now, I am in full helicopter parent mode, since I don't want to deal with a lithium fire, even though my math checks out and the UPS should never get the the point that these cells are ever "abused". I only leave it on when I'm in the room, and when I leave, I unplug from the wall, and remove the red lead from the battery, so no charge enters or leaves while I'm not there to watch it.

In theory, the only issue with this retrofit will be a useless runtime meter. The "minutes of runtime" meter is measuring the voltage of the battery as it discharges to estimate how much longer it will last, and the voltage drop over time is different for lithium and lead, so the meter won't be measuring accurately. Once I'm confident it won't explode randomly, I will likely install it permanently somewhere in one of my compters.

Wish me luck!

[pruszided]

Uh oh, what is this?

It's an England AU, that's inspired by this version of Neru's Tokyo Teddy Bear. Oh, and I have a "sketch" picture as well.

The drawing with motives and the AU explained:

Basically, the music is about to change the situation the singer is in. It's not explained how though, we can think of several possibilities. The lyrics gave me this idea, the suffering, and the determined decide of end it all. Positive, right?

Okay, the motives, there are numerous of them. Let's start with the ground, from left to right. Yep, bloody tissues, some bandage, a math test (grade: 1/F), and poppy flowers in a broken vase. Poppy flowers' meaning is consolation, on the drawing the consolation is death. Then some cones broken apart. Cones' meaning is life, on the drawing it symbolizes the life's shattering, as the cones are broken apart.

The background has several items, the closer part to the ground. First, the rubbish, with bunch of crumpled papers. I do that, when I'm unsatisfied with something really bad. Then a cupboard, with chess figures, from down to up is pawn, knight, bishop, rook, king and finally queen. It symbolizes a hierarchy stuff. And why is queen upper than king? Well, king is a weak figure, I mean, the queen is much more cooler. England thinks so here, he's rebelling against the system we have (I mean, some people will still be the most precious ones, even when others do much more than them). Then, a drawer that's capsizes. The cones are falling from this drawer. On the top, is a knife, stabbed in the drawer.

Upper background is simple. There's a desk, what every kid has, England does as well. Upper is a telephone in a pocket of a writing that says "Bye". In the original clip, Rin types her farewell in her phone, so in the AU, England did it too. The right side has a poster of a human skull. It symbolizes death. A counting can be seen on the wall, it counts until 5, and a clock that shows 0:00.

The window part is actually easy too. A pine, where the cones are from, and the moon, that gives light in the night. From a physical view, the structure of the window is messed up, but I wanted to make it big, because the kid will jump out from it. Yeah.

And the main figure. He stands rigid, his expression doesn't represents his feelings. His gaze is more sarcastic, but he feels more uncertain about his life, unloved and unsatisfied sentiments are going in him. His clothing is sewed at some parts, the sewing's colour is red, like a scar that won't stop bleeding. He holds a scissor, refering the "I'll find some tougher scissors; And cut out my face" part. His legs are also having some wounds, those are patched.

He holds a Teddy Bear, that representates the singer, here it does it with England. The Teddy is bleeding too, and has sewings, but his head is like having a missing piece of brain, refering to the "Tell me I don't need anything but my brain" part of the song.

Explaining the base TTB England AU:

As I said, he is a kid, 13-14 years around. Arthur wasn't a compeletly normal kid, not then and now. He is a bit schizophrenic, I mean, he sees the flying mint bunny, and some dark shadows sometimes. Normally, he only senses his Teddy speaing to him.

His life was a bit tough. He has a brother, Scott (Scotland) and a sister, Diana (Nyo! Wales). His parents had a good relationship, until they divorced (refering to the falling of the British Empire). Arthur and his siblings started to got always switched between the parents.

The divorce was in the 7-8 years of Arthur, so he didn't really understood what happened. It was surely hard for him, because his grades started to be worse than expected. Then teachers and parents get unsatisfied, and tried to "motivate" Arthur to get better. This was the time when he started to feel unsatisfaction.

Until 13 years, he tried extremely hard. Everyone loved him because of the intelligence he had. He still felt unsatisfied though, so he worked more and more to be better, and being the best.

At 14 years old, he wanted to try something; If he's so intelligent and logical, as everyone told him, he should be able to solve a logical mathematical question, right? So he didn't learned and paid enough attention at mathematic class, so his test became a big 1/F. All the gazes with hatred, from the parents, the dissapontment in the eyes of teachers, the surprised look by his classmates. He managed to think that, because of these actions..That everyone lied to him. No one respected him really, they just passed responsibility on him. This is the time when he started to feel brutally unloved.

He needed to express himself, though he didn't wanted to do it. As early as he could, he found his Teddy bear from his childhood. A beautiful icebear without any damage from the outer world.. He saw his childhood himself in it. But he grew up, so the Teddy has to grow up as well. Arthur harmed himself through the Teddy, that was the first time when he heard the Teddy speaking to him. He stopped, just to listen what the Teddy says. Then, they got used to harm "each other" then talking about literally anything that came to mind.

Then Teddy once came up with the idea.. If no one respects Arthur.. Wouldn't it be easier for him to just end it all? Aand, that was before the drawing's happens.

Yeah. I have happy thoughts, right? But nah, if you have some better idea to the AU, please, tell me! I'm always all ears ^^

[sage-nebula]

Thinking about how much I suffered in school due to having an undiagnosed learning disability because by and large the world doesn't seem to know that there even is a learning disability when it comes to math . . . jfc

Like I got my first failing grade ever in fourth grade because I didn't understand long division and wasn't allowed to use a calculator to do it for me. It's not that I didn't want to understand, I tried my best, but my brain just can't hold or conceptualize numbers. My brain can't make the connection of what happens to the numbers to get the results. So I had to bring a report card home with an F in math when I was 9 and got torn apart by my biomom as a result of it.

In the grades following I managed to scrape by with Ds only because of participation points. I paid attention in class and I turned in assignments with a fuckton of wrong answers, but that was enough to give me a consolation D on my report card instead. Junior year I failed geometry because, again, my brain just can't hold or understand the numbers, plus I had depression and anxiety and a trauma disorder etc etc, all of which I had no treatment for. The result? Grounded for an entire summer while I went to summer school to make up the credit. I passed summer school only because we had tests at the end of the lesson, when I could still hold the information in my head.

During all of this, did ANYONE suggest I might have a learning disability? No. Because unlike dyslexia, dyscalculia and other learning disabilities related to math aren't well-known. Reading is seen as something that's so hard to grasp, but in math there's only one right answer so how could there be a disability for that? Long words are complicated, but who doesn't understand numbers? Worse still is the people who do struggle with math a little, but who can still manage and retain the information, because they're like, "oh yeah I also suck at math haha maybe I'm disabled too!" and it's like, no, unless you've been driven to tears because a customer gave you additional change after you already input their total into the cash register and now they and all the people in line behind them are expecting you to be able to count the change in the way that means you know what to give them back (since it's now different than what's on the register) but you literally cannot wrap your head around this no matter how many times they explain it to you, you're not disabled, you just don't like it.

In college I majored in creative writing and I was told that I had to take a math class for a gen ed. I was at first told basic math would count, so I took that. It was so difficult, and I got so stressed, that I gave myself stomach ulcers, but I managed to pass with a C-. I was then told, oh sorry! This is too low level of a course to count. So then I tried business math. Failed it. Formal logic. Failed it. College algebra. Failed it. In college algebra I would understand it okay in class, but then when I'd get home I wouldn't remember how to do it. 10 problems would take me 5 hours as I tried to re-teach myself the material from the textbook. But on the test we couldn't use the textbook, so guess what? I failed.

I had a complete emotional and mental breakdown because I wasn't going to be able to graduate without a fucking math course. And it was only after I was literally sobbing in the academic advising office that someone said, "if you can get diagnosed with a learning disability, we can waive the credit."

(Note: I didn't even want the credit waived per se, I just wanted my basic math class to count like I was told it would my freshman year.)

I was 26 years old and this was the FIRST TIME I had EVER heard that there was a learning disability for mathematics. THE FIRST TIME. I paid $600 to get evaluated and was told that while I was in the 99th percentile for language ability, the discrepancy between that and my mathematics ability was the largest the evaluator had ever seen in his 60 years of running these exams. Which, you know, makes sense. When I took the ACT I got a 32 in reading and writing each, but a 15 in math (and 19 in science because of all the math). It tanked my score. Suddenly it all made sense.

But it took TWENTY-SIX (26) YEARS for anyone to even SUGGEST this could be a possibility. And it's still not fully understood or taken seriously! Accommodations can be made in the workplace for dyslexic people, but when I told my boss just this past week that I have dyscalculia, he laughed because he thought the term was a joke, a riff on dyslexia, just for someone being bad at math. Now, my boss is kind of an asshole in general, but still. It's not a joke. I'm not just bad at math. I am INCAPABLE of doing math. My brain can't wrap around numerical concepts. And even in the off-chance that I understand what's going on in the lesson, I can't retain it. When I got evaluated there were problems in the evaluation that we had just discussed the PREVIOUS WEEK in college algebra. Less than seven days prior. I REMEMBERED that we went over it in the lesson. But did I remember how it all fit together? No. I couldn't wrap my head around it. I nearly started crying during the goddamn examination because of how humiliated I was.

I suffered so much into my late twenties because no one at any point in my educational career understood that mathematics disabilities are a thing. Math is thought to be "the universal language" so if you can't do it you're just lazy or not trying or, hey, it's hard, but you still CAN do it, you just need to try harder. It's so angering and so upsetting and drives me fucking bonkers. I've got my diagnosis now so I'm not suffering any longer but jfc. It was a fucking nightmare.

[jay-lea]

actually fuck it i need to list my old coworkers because it’s insane there were so insane ones

coworker who called out almost every monday from hangovers or went home early while still drunk from the night before bc she was going clubbing during the height of the pandemic for her entire weekends. She actually started her first week during the height of infections by taking off her mask so she could use her phone while telling me about the huge halloween parties she’d done the night before even tho a few of her friends had been exposed to covid. Talked a lot about massaging her lymph node so she could be healthy and begged people not to get vaccinated when our work offered us the vax early for frontline work. Repeatedly told people she had gotten heart conditions from the J&J shot but only after she had just chugged large coffees. wouldn’t wear gloves while touching carcinogens and later we found out she had done all her tests wrong for a solid year too

coworker who had failed out of gen chem 2 times and was failing it a third time when she got hired despite the 4 YEAR SCIENCE DEGREE REQUIREMENT. She poured acid down the sinks and had no idea how a ton of lab stuff worked but everyone said she was nice enough that I shouldn’t be so hard on someone who was still learning. I prev got scrutinized for my degree not being a real science before there. She also liked to come up w rumors about coworkers like that they failed their drug test or were alcoholics and would ask people to take Mormon trivia quizzes w her so they could join her faith. The first time we talked I asked her a generic question about whether she lived w family or pets and she immediately told me graphically about how she killed two turtles by starvation and stopped going to work and school a few months ago bc she didn’t feel like it and not to be shocked, I shouldn’t discriminate about her mental health. She called out a lot, took hours for lunch, and regularly came in an hour late and left hours early while whining that I didn’t stop her from going home so now she would be broke. 

Coworker who immediately told me I was doing stuff wrong the first day she started despite me being there 2 yrs and her being there 1 hour. Routinely tried to quiz people on element names, science, and math to prove she was the smartest person in the room. Called me homophobic for going to pride bc despite the rainbow and trans flags on my locker she couldn’t tell I was gay, then made a joke about me being a top. Took three two-week vacations and then a two week sick leave so she barely existed, then did zero work when she was there but every time I did the actual work of emailing people or writing new lab stuff, she would get mad and rewrite it and personally message our manager asking if I was actually right bc she didn’t think i was right. Got to the point where I was getting migraines every monday and panic attacks on sundays bc she was so goddamn mean to me every week while thinking we were friends bc friends can roast each other. She would talk over me at every meeting and my stutter got so bad I would lose the ability to talk or start forgetting basic words (which she loved bc then she sounded smarter than me). 

the manager who made me publically out myself on department wide meeting awkwardly bc I asked for people to stop making homophobic and transphobic jokes about me. He gave almost every person weeks off or let them get away w leaving early and doing no work bc he said I would handle it and ig is doing the same thing to my replacement rn too

Honorable mentions:

the guy who talked about how he always open carries and implied he was at the moment

the manager that would laugh at me when I did intros w new ppl bc he thought my hobbies were weird and ig was not afraid to let me know it each time

the supervisor obsessed w elon musk who tried to work 80 weeks bc he genuinely believed billionares work 100+ hr weeks and was so tired he made zero sense and didn’t remember how to do anything

the coworker i replaced who would tell two areas she was busy with the other area but then go to a meeting room and nap for the day. she now does mlms full time. 

[bubblegumknuckles]

I don't mean to overstep so feel free to ignore this ask but do you really have narcolepsy. Could you tell me more about narcolepsy and how it affects you?

From and ignoramus anon

Hi you arent over stepping, no worries. Sorry for the delay, I have a hard time answering back anybody, and ive been sleeping a ton.

So, when I wrote that I had Narcolepsy in my bio, it was a few months ago & for different health reasons I wasnt able to get the final results of my final sleep study test (4th one.) Narcolepsy was what was most likely, especially since my primary doctor said her mom has narcolepsy & I wasnt even taking about sleeping problems to her, but fatigue was mentioned because I was explaining my symptoms that point towards a few autoimmune disorders….and she asked a few questions & said I sounded exactly like her mom who has Narcolepsy & it took her like 20 years to get diagnosed…. At first i was like nahhhh because the only knowledge I had of it was from tv. She gave me a referral to a sleep doctor but I ignored it for a few months, before doing research because my sleep keeps getting worse.

Then actually going, they dont really believe you at first. Insurance also makes you jump through hoops & i had to wait months each time, &the day of a sleep study, my insurance would finally say Not approved…so id have to reschedule. Its been a huge headache and hassle. I had to prove to the doctor and insurance basically how i dont have sleep apnea or restless leg syndrome or anything else before they will consider Narcolepsy. and even then the test for Narcolepsy is so difficult to pass, if you fail else, then they will diagnose you as Idiopathic Hypersomnia meaning they dont know whats wrong with you. but something is off. thats the official diagnosis, but Narcolepsy and IH are both treated very similar. Oh and theres two types of Narcolepsy, one being the more known one with cataplexy (like fainting and dropping out of nowhere at all times sleeping) & there is N2 that is basically without cataplexy (I dont drop out of nowhere and sleep)

So yeah, the results that finally came out said on some of my naps I fell asleep in 9 minutes & basically the criteria for narcolepsy is so strict it has to be under 8 minutes. i was like….thats pretty close. But nah they wanna use math and average it out and blah blah I dont qualify as technically narcolepy. I got diagnosed with Idiopathic Hypersomnia instead. I would be more irritated but at least its treated similar or the same. It was noted i have 0% sleep apnea & he said it is very strange that for an adult, I sleep so deeply, like I hit the deepest parts of sleep that usually just babies and children get to. Soooo I tried to get him to think on that….like bro im telling you I sleep that deeply and that much AND still have to continue napping thru the day. I sleep so much. Its impacting my life. And its weirdly gotten worse over the pandemic, altho I have always been like this.

Um sorry Idk if that answered your question bc I wouldve gotten more specific how narcolepsy affects me n stuff. But since I just finally got the official diagnosis of IH instead & its technically not Narcolepsy, i didnt know if u wanted to know more. In my every day life, im probably going to still call it Narcolepsy tbh bc thats what people know a little more about. Theyll be like “oh she really does have a sleeping disorder” does that make sense?

Anyway you can ask more questions if you want:)

[luminousvision]

Class

Rebecca was the perfect student. The one time she talked out of turn, without her hand up, everyone including the teacher was so surprised the entire second-grade class just skipped a beat and pretended it never happened. That was the closest it ever got—Rebecca was the only student to not have her card turned the whole year.

I could not stand this girl. I couldn’t beat her on tests, because she wouldn’t get anything wrong. I had just learned my first English a year before, so I didn’t put up much of a fight on spelling. Both of us got every math question correct, in class or on homework. But I had her on Reading Minutes, where I’d read five hours every weekend to her three. When we tallied our Reading Minutes at the end of the month, I’d make a point of looking at her across the classroom. She’d make a sour face and pretend she didn’t see me. 

I couldn’t behave better than her because she never talked. I was pretty sure I ran faster than she did, but I wasn’t fully sure because she spent recess playing jumprope and hopscotch instead. I didn’t play gross girl games.

I didn’t get a rematch until fifth grade. But that year, Rebecca didn’t say a single thing she didn’t have to, not to me. She spent all of her time trading whispers with her best friend with long shiny black hair and a cute nose. Once, when I managed an excuse to talk to her, the girl offered the unsolicited aside that Rebecca said I rambled a lot. I nodded blankly and went straight to the dictionary. The two girls watched me and giggled.

The next year, we ran a class play, a coming-of-age story about high school homecoming, set in the 60s so even the parents had to be explained the references. Rebecca auditioned for the part of an infatuated teenage boy who spent most of his stage time chasing a girl. And it turned out, Rebecca was basically ready for Broadway. I’d seen enough class plays to know. How the hell does a sixth grader know anything about love at all, let alone love from the perspective of the other gender? This bookish, quiet, nerdy girl wasn’t squeamish about any of it, not about romance, kissing, or playing a boy’s part. On performance night, she got the one standing ovation.

Soon it was June and our year-long assignment to read a million words came due. Rebecca and I led the class by a large margin. I read four million. Rebecca read seven. It’s fine. I didn’t always beat her. I kept looking over at her desk, expecting her eyes to meet mine, even for a second, just to shake hands after the game. But she never looked at me. With her brilliant green eyes and pale, soft cheeks, I was getting the feeling I’d never catch her anyway.

It was hard to believe she was normal. She had friends, tangled with everyone else in gym, and ate the same shitty cafeteria food. So even when I got the only perfect score on the algebra final, I couldn’t smile. What did it matter to beat her by three points? Rebecca turned in pristine work, knew the answer to every question, didn’t blush when our science teacher gave us the baby talk, handled her four letter words, held her own in every blacktop sport, and always kept her wavy brown hair neatly brushed. The rest of us picked our noses and slung mom jokes at each other.

Every Monday in P.E., we’d run a mile, a big lap around the school. I always ran my heart out. Still, every Monday, the same two kids would grow smaller and smaller until they’d disappear around the baseball diamond. They were already laughing in the locker rooms by the time I got to the finish line.

One fall day after school, Rebecca and I were sitting on opposite sides of a long metal bench out front waiting for our parents to pick us up. Everyone else had already gone home and we could hear only the wind scrape dry leaves across the concrete. I pointed at the announcement board on the yellowing grass in front of us. They’re running another school dance. Do you go to them, I asked. No, she said, she hadn’t thought about them much. We left a long pause. Well, it’s next week, I said. Want to try it? Rebecca started but froze mid-way, her mouth slightly ajar. She stared at me, eyebrows furrowed, until her mother called through an open car window. The girl picked up her backpack and left without a word.

That year, Rebecca was diagnosed with scoliosis, or had stomach issues, or otherwise couldn’t come to class. I saw her after school every now and then, exchanging giant stacks of papers with each teacher. Her desk in every class remained empty. Then we stopped seeing her. They said she was being home schooled. Good riddance.

My friends in high school had heavy glasses, thick accents, or some shocking prudishness. If they could sing, they couldn’t take a derivative. If they could take a derivative, they couldn’t shoot a basketball. If they could shoot a basketball, they weren’t pretty. And if they were pretty, they couldn’t do anything at all besides check their phones and giggle in packs down the hallway.

I started imagining things, unrealistic things, like girls with self-confidence. Every spark was a hint of genius until disproven by a stray comment a week later. Surely, somewhere around here, someone not being home-schooled would beat me up, head over heels. Okay, in college, there were a few who tickled my imagination. They never said anything they hadn’t thought about for a long time. They made me think.

They made me think for a long time on a grassy field in the middle of campus, surrounded by dozens of kids with superior grades, some reading books and others throwing frisbees. My eye caught on one perfect, puffy cloud with ripples that reminded me of someone’s hair I could not forget. And in that instant, I found myself right back at the beginning, playing the memories through one more time.