#they don't even have their number yet!!!
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Clone with pumpkin DNA bc Halloween is nearly here!!!
Their tummy mouth is usually like the top images, but they can change it to any arrangement of teeth/mouth shapes, like the bottom images - the left being like a traditional Jack-o'-lantern smile, or the right being unsettlingly large human teeth
They also got glowy insides, meaning they probably have some DNA that causes bioluminescence, but I haven't thought that far yet - I just wanted to add to the Jack-o'-lantern theme hehe
#they are probably gonna be called Pumpkin or something like that but I also haven't thought that far yet#they don't even have their number yet!!!#but still I will tag#to be named#pizza tower oc#pizza tower#body horror
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time for skeleman
with the lack of any other info yet, all I can focus on are those Charles Lloyd-looking sunglasses. they are absolutely sending me. I feel like we're gonna fall through a tree or whatever and this stitched-up boney gentleman is gonna pop out from behind a gravestone and start serenading us with some smooth jazz on the saxophone.
or should I say...the saxoBONE???????
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#doot#i drew this so fast i'm so sorry#god. we don't even have an event name yet what do i tag this with.#the only thing we know about him so far are 1) glasses#2) ~*wagahai*~#(is wagahai a jack thing because that's incredible)#(hold on i gotta look up the japanese dub)#i have zoomed in and i THINK he's got orange eyes but the pixels are defeating me#anyway excuse me for a moment while i vibrate so intensely that i start phasing through the floor#nightmare event is nigh!!!!#this is the number 1 event i have wanted most i can't believe it's real and it's actually happening#i've been dreaming of halloweentown boys for forever i am SO excited#slightly bummed it looks like there's not going to be a sally too but we can't have everything i guess#(unless...? 👀)#stream on the 29th let's GO#and for once it's not at like 4 AM my time thank you for small mercies twst#i wanna see my guys in fancy halloween suits!!!!
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yall are about to piss me off by not having any PASSING basic knowledge of the way the u.s. military manipulates its recruits into joining by typing up one of your uninformed, unresearched, unempathetic, individualistic, unbelievably annoying posts about how 100% of the people in the military ended up there because they just Love America So Damn Much! they're extremely mature and informed at time of recruitment, they can totally leave anytime they want, they totally had tons of other avenues in life they could've taken, there was no rush at all to get income as fast as possible, and everyone in the military also totally is part of the combat divisions and personally enjoys being IN the military very much, big believers of violence. everyone in the military is shooting guns all day, that's how that works. they LOVE BLOODSHED. also I love the "amewicans haha" twang to this type of shit because you're actually TOTALLY stealing our Thing, which is turning systemic issues into Individual Issues. Instead of talking about the powers that be, it's so Personal Choice up in here. It's, "well you shouldn't have done it then. I totally wouldn't because I know better." you don't wanna talk about the military industrial complex as a whole, and you don't want to talk about recruiters, you just want to pin the blame on Specific Individual People one-by-one, as if they're responsible for the system that they're being ground up in. someone was in the military? bad person, no matter what. it's easier to believe that, I guess, than to acknowledge that Normal People (with high school educations) are manipulated and incentivized into joining a system that is Bad. at like age 18. but yeah no that 18 year old should have just been smarter lol haha anyway here are some screenshots for no particular reason
side note this reply of someone going "umm just get loans and go into a high paying field it's easy XD" as a direct response to someone trying to explain how most americans joining the military are being funneled in that direction out of a need for money.
and another person who Decided that americans join the military just CLENCHING their teeth thinking of other people, and not thinking completely selfishly about their own selves and their own income/housing/healthcare.
#I had a longer post w more bullshit in it but ukw nobody's even gonna read THIS one. so.#dumb ass cunts seriously LMAO just the individualism of it all....#we're all just selectively forgetting that most people join the military straight out of high school / after failing to kickstart#their lives so they don't know shit yet and they are categorically not educated and don't have money#you NEED money and have been groomed by recruiters ALREADY into believing this is#The Best and Only to make a survivable amount of money without a college education-- bc they can't afford college btw#and they don't want to take on student debt either bc everyone already knows what a big fuckeroo that is#recruiters WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET YOU TO JOIN. they will KEEP CALLING YOU. they'll answer your questions#to make it sound like this is going to be a GREAT life decision. you can get all KINDS of jobs (true)#they love to say the thing about how only about 15% of the military will actually see combat in any way#they love to list all the jobs where you will literally just be working at an office or a pharmacy or in tech etc etc etc#the recruiters are offering housing healthcare steady pay and BONUSES if you sign on for longer.#so you let your guard down because you were so scared of the actual fighting. BECAUSE YOU'RE 18 IN THIS SCENARIO BTW.#you cunts will not meet anyone who hates the military as much as people who are NOW DONE working in the military#you don't know enough when they get you and then either you stay placated by the benefits or you scramble away as fast as possible#the number one military haters are people who know what goes on bc they already did it#source: I LIVE NEXT TO A MILITARY BASE LMAO PEOPLE HATE IT HERE!! they are NORMAL PEOPLE#I need you to get it into your head that the people committing atrocities in war were NORMAL when they joined#and that for every person in the military who's actively shedding blood there's 20 who do PAPERWORK#and they both are being put in the same category by you!! and they are BOTH being controlled by the same system!!#sergle.txt#I hate yall I really do.
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Due to recent experiences, I am feeling an urge to make an anti-drug-style PSA except it's warning impressionable machine-learning-curious teens to never, ever try a thing called "Huggingface transformers Trainer"
Not. Even. Once.
#and don't even get me started on “unsloth”#this week i learned what “unsloth” actually does when you import it and... man.#i thought i'd seen the worst of “hacky brittle 'it-just-works' (by doing the most cursed shit imaginable) ML python code” but no.#no. unsloth was Worse#and huggingface Trainer is bad enough by itself#did you know it has 131 (one hundred and thirty one!) config arguments and yet it cannot log *more than one loss number at once*#(for like multitask training or whatever)#i don't just mean it's hard to do - i mean its logging mechanism is built from the ground up on the assumption you would never do this.#you'd have to rewrite a bunch of internals to get it working - i.e. basically write a new nontrivial feature on HF's behalf#and just writing your own damn training loop is easier than that lol#it's not that hard kids. take it from me. dataset + dataloader + model(*args) + loss.backward() + opt.step() + opt.zero_grad(). that's it#it'll take you 30 minutes and save you a billion hours down the road#i do not understand computers#(is a category tag)
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Last night I was discussing with @ernestonlysayslovelythings that one of the things Gilmore Girls does really well is nuance. In terms of conflict, most characters will be a little bit right and a little bit wrong (as it tends to be in life), and yet many viewers will automatically side with one particular character. Lorelai and Rory (Rory in particular) tend to often be seen as in the wrong, and this intrigues and frustrates me. While a lot of the time they are 'in the wrong', so is the other character, and yet this is rarely acknowledged. Information which the other character has (and the audience has) is not given to Lorelai and Rory and yet they are still criticised for it (which other posts have gone into).
Emily and Paris are fan favourites and it's easy to understand why; they are funny, sarcastic and outspoken and yet also have vulnerability. Viewers will often take Emily's side in an argument with Lorelai and Paris's with Rory, which I find frustrating, because the reasoning seems to be either that Emily and Paris are 'more funny' or that Lorelai and Rory are 'annoying'. Emily and Paris are funny (Paris in particular is exaggerated as a side character) but they can also be very mean. Lorelai and Rory are not intentionally mean, generally speaking, yet a key element of Emily and Paris's characterisation is unkindness. Of course, this is largely for comedic effect (such as Emily firing maids and Paris making Brad cry), and yet Lorelai and Rory seem to be held to a higher standard. Emily and Paris can be very cruel to Lorelai and Rory (ie Emily's ongoing disgust over her daughter's romantic life or lack of and Paris bullying Rory at school) but it doesn't seem to 'count'. Viewers identify the reasons for this; such as Emily's hurt over Lorelai running away or Paris feeling intimidated by Rory, but do not extend the same understanding to Lorelai and Rory. Lorelai can be immature and shut out her parents, which is due to an unhappy childhood, and Rory sometimes wants space (which I don't personally find unreasonable), but that apparently means they're 'arrogant'.
This lack of nuance is also notable with Jess. With non-Literati shippers, many viewers write Jess off as the asshole exboyfriend who has 'exaggerated' his unhappy life with Liz and is 'ungrateful' to Luke. On the flip side, many Literati shippers take the view that Jess never does anything wrong and Luke is a total jerk. Again, there is nuance here; Jess is not infallible and, like all the characters, he is right and wrong about certain things. While there is zero evidence that Jess exaggerated anything (although some fans seem to exaggerate for him), he can be rude and perhaps seem ungrateful, but it is understandable. He acts this way because he had an unreliable mother who sent him to live in a strange town with his uncle without any say, and he lashes out because he is angry and not listened to. In S6 when Jess has grown up, he appreciates what Luke did for him, because he has the maturity to see it. Luke, for his part, did his best and also messed up because he stubbornly thought he knew what he was doing, and didn't think he needed advice. It does not negate the fact that he cared and tried his hardest. As with Lorelai and Emily, Luke and Jess are both right and both wrong with their reaction to things.
It's also interesting that within Literati shippers, the majority of people will take Jess's side in a conflict with him and Rory. Jess and Rory are flawed people (who are also very young) who manage to hurt each other deeply. Rory runs away after kissing Jess because she does not know how to handle her feelings, which Jess perceives as her thinking he isn't worth staying for and, a year later, Jess leaves town without saying goodbye, which Rory also wrongly perceives as a rejection. Neither of them intend to be cruel and yet, according to numerous Lit shippers, Jess was hurting and Rory 'couldn't see it'. Of course she couldn't see it - Jess never communicated to her that he was in trouble at high school and had to drop out, or that his father showed up, or anything else going on with him. She could see something was wrong but couldn't help him. Likewise, Rory never communicated to Jess that she was feeling mixed up about being with Dean and later with Logan, but somehow this understanding isn't extended to Rory. Jess and Rory are both fallible and are both written with excellent nuance.
One of the best things about Gilmore Girls is how well it reflects growing up and our relationships in real life. Situations are rarely binary and, as we mature, we can often look at conflict more objectively and see 'the other side'. Lorelai and Rory, along with most of the characters they interact with, are written with depth. When they mess up or miscommunicate, it doesn't mean they 'wrong' or not worth caring about - it means they have something to learn from. They are funny, frustrating, vulnerable and have moments of clarity, just as with real people.
#gilmore girls#lorelai gilmore#rory gilmore#jess mariano#lierati#kind of#analysis#I don't get the number of people who watch gilmore girls yet hate the main characters#like why are you even watching it#and I'm sure lorelai and rory have moments of unkindness#but it is not their main character trait#as it is with emily and paris#and side characters are always given less of a hard time#and this is all with the caveat that all of the characters' choices are for plot#they don't have an agenda outside the page#mistakes are made for an interesting storyline
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i will always shout praises of bi4bi but given recent discourse I feel the need to say that I love bi4het too! I just love bisexuality in general in its many forms, and anyone who only likes it when it's 'queer enough' for them is biphobic. Bisexuals should be able to bring their LaMe CiShEt BoYfRiEnD to pride without being made to feel like spectators and outsiders to their own event.
#3 am queer discourse take <3#anyways hot take number two. cishets do belong at pride. everyone who wants to celebrate queerness should be welcomed at pride#if a completely cishet business major fratboy wants to come to pride and vibe with us then he should be welcomed!#not even like. oh he has a queer sibling. no. if he's just a cishet dude who wants to spend his saturday at a parade then hell yeah#like completely ignoring that you have no way to tell he's definitively those things. it shouldn't matter regardless imo#pride is not a secretive club you need to be let into. it's a feeling and a celebration and a statement and a state of being#and whatever you want it to be#burying my other related hot take under the tags readmore ksdjksdjksdj#idk. i'm just tired of a lot of the things people seem to think about bisexuality's validity relating to bi women specifically#this is frustration with the gatekeepy and straight-passing discourse of it all#I'm tired of people being expected to act and to preform and to BE queer enough for others' opinions.#am I still welcome if I haven't been with a woman in a few years? if I dress boring? if I like m/f? if I don't listen to chappell roan?#joking on that last one but like. idk. never straight enough for the straights but never gay enough for the gays#constantly some mercurial in-between that offers no comfortable easy group to put us in.#what do i have to do to not be judged as a filthy hettie? are my doc martens enough for you yet?#like oh sorry let me cuff my jeans and have a bob and wear a button up over a cami and wear etsy earrings. am I visually bi enough yet?#let me apologize for the cardinal sin of liking men too. let me wash my hands of any time a cishet man has held them.#if it was a bisexual man then just hand sanitizer is fine right? where do you draw the line on my queerness?#let me preform for you in a way that makes me queer enough.#anyways. sarcasm aside. I think I've made my distaste for this whole affair evident#if you don't want cishets at pride then what happens to those you incorrectly deem as cishet? do I need to prove myself to you?#am I passing as straight? am I passing as gay? am I enough for onlookers?#is it not enough to just show up at pride and celebrate? anyone and everyone who wants to?
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sth sth tbosas au sebklaine art i promised @backslashdelta months ago and then forgot about but it's also based on this fanart
#my art#digital art#fan art#art#glee#glee art#gleesource#sebklaine#kurt hummel#sebastian smythe#blaine anderson#tbosas au#if u think ur this au's number 1 fan then think again!! that's me!#(even tho it took me well over 6 months to finally bump this art up my to-draw queue) (we don't have to talk about that)#and if u haven't read bella's fic snippets yet then what are u waiting for!!
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My most annoying writing habits:
Thinking that every new idea needs a new story to feature it, instead of folding several ideas into one more detailed story
Wanting to write a story with more detailed characters and worldbuilding than usual, and trying to build a new story that lets me do that, instead of, you know, fleshing out the characters and world for story ideas I already have.
#adventures in writing#i'm having yet another of my regularly scheduled creativity crises don't mind me#the latest flavor is: all of my ideas are just fanfic#and i have no original stories or characters#and don't even know how to write unique characters or situations all i can do is steal from better writers#and anyhow this results in me flipping through all my story ideas and either hating them or finding them too intimidating#or wanting to write a bunch and then getting overwhelmed by sheer numbers#and then remembering that all these ideas are derivative hack ideas and the cycle starts over
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I'm still thinking about that scene in Victoriocity S3E7 where Fleet runs back towards the Beast so as to lure it into the path of the train...
Clara's exclamation of 'Teamwork, Fleet!' after Fleet says he's got a plan reflects her conviction that any plan that Fleet has will be a shared plan, something they do together.
This conviction is a kind of trust, and that trust is part of the reason Clara takes a moment to realise Fleet has headed back towards the Beast. She trusts that he's following behind her. She keeps talking to him, her words full of optimism.
When she realises Fleet isn't there, she immediately realises what that must mean he's done, and her voice sounds more small and scared than I think we've ever heard it before.
Fleet's attempt at self-sacrifice is a kind of betrayal of Clara's trust, but when he echoes her celebration of their teamwork in a more somber tone, I think it suggests that he understands the weight of that betrayal.
If Fleet's plan is that Clara won't realise he's gone until it's already too late, then he thinks "Teamwork, Clara" will be the last words he'll ever speak to her. In what he imagines will be their final conversation, Fleet affirms Clara's understanding of them as a team who work well together, even as he is making a choice that rejects the possibility of their teamwork in this scenario. It's a recognition of what their dynamic has meant. It's a goodbye and an apology, even if Clara doesn't understand it as such at first.
I don't think Fleet sounds scared as he initially faces down the train. When he shouts "Yeah, this way, you stupid machine! Come on then!", he sounds defiant and grimly determined.
In fact, I don't think he sounds afraid until Clara appears, until she might be at risk of being in the path of the Beast or the train as well. It's when he shouts "Clara, stay back for God's sake!" and "Please, get back!" that there's real fear and desperation in his voice. He can confront the idea of giving his own life, but not the idea that doing so might put Clara in danger.
Another thing about these lines is that the move from 'stay back' to 'get back' suggests that Clara didn't obey his first instruction but got closer to him (and therefore to the path of the Beast and the train) between those two lines.
Then Fleet gives what might be another attempt at his last words: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry." A repeated apology before an attempted self-sacrifice is an implicit acknowledgement of how much losing him would hurt Clara. He regrets causing her pain.
Even so, he's accepted that he is about to die and that it'd be worth it to destroy the Beast. But Clara very much hasn't accepted either those things. She's still trying to yell over the noise of the train; she's pulling off her ring to throw at him.
I think it's a good illustration of how Clara's optimism is a kind of strength. She always believes that they can "make a new plan" and that it'll be one in which no one has to die. I think Archibald Fleet needs someone like that, someone who'll tell him to drop to the ground when his death advances from both sides, someone who - even in a dark tunnel with an murderous metal monster and a speeding train - won't stop shouting that there's hope.
#Victoriocity#victoriocity spoilers#clara entwhistle#archibald fleet#I have feelings about them!!#I've listened to this scene a normal number of times...#Can't decide if it's more angsty if Clara heard his apology or if she didn't...#Also on the topic of Clara's optimism#I think it is a part of her temperament#but I don't think that means it's always easy or that it isn't something that takes active effort#The 'midnight overthinkies' scene showed us that there's a lot going on under the surface#As previously established I don't personally see Clara and Fleet romantically#but nonetheless there is something Orpheus and Eurydice#about two people who care deeply about each other#in a dark tunnel trying to head towards safety#and one of them trusts that the other is behind them#except Clara doesn't look back for a while and then he actually is already gone#and she's alone wondering if she's lost him forever#I think I can draw those parallels platonically#Oh also there's something impressive about a show that can literally raise a guy from the dead in the first season#and yet still have real stakes when he's in life or death situations after that#something deeply sinister about how in Even Greater London no death ever needs to be permanent#but we know that the vast majority of deaths would be because access to that technology is so restricted#inspector fleet#victoriocity season 3#victoriocity podcast#Clara & Fleet#The empty man posteth
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baldur's gate 3 is weird because I genuinely like and care about every single companion character and I think that must be a first for me
#and I have played a good number of rpgs and this is unheard of for me#I don't think it's just me? right?#in other games there are always those “meh" characters or the ones that I just don't like because they don't resonate with me in any way#in bg3 even the guests at our camp and the side characters are so good... and the pets!! (ok I love those in every game to be fair)#but some characters are barely there and yet they have such personality... they are still memorable#even the antagonists... they are enjoyable... you either like them or you “love to hate” them... you know what I mean? you will be invested#bg3#baldur's gate 3#video games#my post#bg3 mine#my posts#text post#textposts#about me
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#202 deaths and the number keeps growing. This is fucking terrifying#we don't even have a number of the missing people#there are towns where help isn't able to go there yet#everything is moving so fucking slowly#and it still doesn't stop raining#and yet people are worried about their holidays or the circuits#fuck all of you
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Speaking of replaying things...got it in my head recently about maybe playing Death Stranding for a second time. Played it through once a few years ago and didn't think I'd want to do it over again.
So last night I thought I'd watch some of a YT playthrough, see how I felt about it. And after about and hour or so, I stg I've oscillated back and forth between...
Oh hell yeah! I can remember there was a lot here I really liked that was enough for me to finish the whole thing the first time; and
Bluhhhhhhhhhhhhh I also remember why I haven't wanted to play it again until apparently now lol
...like 20 times.
#like fr watching the whole opening sequence with fragile and the bike crash i'm like yessss alright alright alright#and then the whole voidout sequence is demonstrably sick and id truly forgotten how awesome some of the major scenes are#and the actual PLAYING part of it was - to me - oh so satisfying and fun#the slow and deliberate preparation and planning for each trip#the BTs and the little detector thing you have are so cool and tense#but...then the two “Die-/Dead-” dudes show up and just will not evER SHUT UP and let you just play the f-ing game#every character other than sam is so gratingly and distractingly earnest with every word they speak#it's as if every character is an animatronic historic figure from a theme park ride#guy walks up to Sam the main character. Sam sees it's Diehardman. the screen says 'Diehardman'. Diehardman says “SAM...ITS DIEHARDMAN” x100#and my god all of the “if we rebuild ***AMERICA*** with YOUR help we can SAVE the WORLD” makes me want to vomit#the number of times they screech into your earpiece every 10 fucking paces to be like “SAM...” “SAM...” “SAM...”#and they keep saying “I know I don't need to tell you this but...”#then fucking DONT TELL ME#“...but the audience needs to know this..." even though you were fucking BORN in this world and are a ”seasoned pro“ as they refer to you#“SAM...don't forget. You can use LADDERS to climb both UP and DOWN. A pro like you MIGHT even be able to find OTHER uses.”#“SAM...the PRESIDENT wants to see you. Also remember: the president is YOUR MOM.”#SAM...I probably don't need to remind you but: DONT DIE:#and yet i still kindasorta want to play it again?#ugh i cannot decide lol
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(Gets to the end of the most recent Worlds Beyond Number episode. Yells out loud.) FUCK!
#Worlds Beyond Number#Well this is bad#Are we not caring about the fact that this was rigged Coven of Elders?#Like how the fuck was Wren going to parlay while cursed?#Is no one caring about that?#Hey folks?#Folks I think the Man in Black is playing you all#Is anyone listening HELLO?#DOES THE CITADEL NOT GET A LAWYER?#HEY CAN WE BRING TERMS TO THIS COMMUNITY BEFORE GOING MASS MURDER ON THEM?#HELLO?#Poor Suvi oh my god girl I'm so sorry#Like no fucking wonder the Citadel is trying to spy on this meeting#From their perspective this is just another group plotting to tear them down without even attempting a peaceful resolution first#Listen I am aware that the people in the Citadel who are shady motherfuckers#There is likely a lot of corruption up top#And some systemic issues that need to be addressed#BUT ANY SOCIETY CAN SAY THAT#WE DON'T NUKE THEM FOR IT#Honestly I don't think we have enough concrete information yet#Suvi's right this is all circumstantial and coming from people who have already decided where they stand on this conflict#This trial was a sham#And frankly they were trying to kill Ame because they knew she wouldn't approve#I'm on side let's not commit a genocide
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ive never gone to see an opera live in europe let alone one outside of a major theater that regularly records and broadcasts their productions so grain of salt etc but i think there's some kind of distinct cultural difference between how european companies do "reimagined" productions of operas vs how american companies do it
#sasha speaks#especially thinking about the number of 'canonical' operas that are recently getting adaptations over here#frequently into english language musicals/operettas#not like rent and miss saigon though i mean more like matchbox magic flute#and la périchole getting adapted as songbird by glimmerglass and wno#or the local company that's putting on a 'circus' version of rigoletto with a new english libretto here in dec#(not sure what that will entail yet but i'm intrigued to find out)#hell even the upcoming pirates of penzance revival on bway which is also weirdly enough getting the jazz age new orleans makeover#ik pirates and bway is a different story from Opera(tm) Proper but still. tangential#anyway don't expect much more elaboration tonight i'm in bed rn as i type.#plus i'd want some actual researched data to back up my claim here if i were to really go on#and i have enough school related research to be prioritizing rn as it is#anyway#oh also smth about what content does and does not appeal to american vs european audiences#and by extension what you can and cannot get away with depicting onstage#(for a recent example consider sancta susanna vs grounded)#(okay anyway gn for real this time)
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#currently on the worst road trip of my whole entire life! well. i don't want to jinx it lmao but#today i popped TWO TIRES at once in the middle of the Katy Freeway in Houston TX (the widest highway in the US; 26 lanes btw)#managed to make it over to the shoulder without DYING but then had to sit there for like an hour? and panic called a tow truck because duh#I know how to change a tire but I was – again – sitting on the shoulder of the widest freeway on the continent so#anyway I called a tow; a guy showed up. I assumed it was the tow! turned out it was not. but he helped me put on the spare and then was lik#“follow me to my shop I can do the tires for you” and I was like okay! 👍 but then the ACTUAL tow called me and I realized this was#just a random guy (very nice up to that point but then I got scared about following him to a secondary location?) and so I didn't lmao#I just kept driving and didn't follow him but the guy on the phone was then mad at me because I wasn't where I said I would be because#AGAIN – I thought the original guy WAS the tow company that I called? but anyway guy 2 on the phone was like “YOU OWE ME $200!!!!”#and I said for what? also how would I pay you? and he tried to get me to cash app him lmao?? I didn't. I hung up on him#he called me like 6 more times yelling at me until I finally just blocked his number 💀#however NOW at this point I'm driving on one spare tire and one rapidly-flattening second tire and I still have 3 hours left to get where#I was going for the night and to top it all off I'm in the middle of a city I've only been to one time before? so I manage to get to a hote#like a nice-ish one where I'm like “okay if I get stuck here this won't be the end of the world”#because keep in mind today is a national holiday so basically everything is closed!!!! btw!!!!!#but eventually I'm sitting there and it's literally 100F outside and I remember oh right lol I have car insurance which pays for a tow#(a normal one; not a random one I panic-found on google who calls me screaming at me to cash app him $200)#so anyway I call my insurance and the guy on the phone is very nice and is like “it's okay; we'll have someone to you in 45 min”#and I'm like okay. OKAY. 🙌💪 I am a strong independent woman who is figuring this out and no longer on the side of the highway#but instead in a nice calm neighborhood and all I have to do is wait 45 min and everything will be okay#one hour goes by. I call back. get redirected to the tow company that was dispatched. guy says oh! is my guy not there yet?#I say no. he says okay – I'll have him call you. hangs up.#okay. 20 more min go by. guy finally calls me. says “I'm 20-25 min away” at this point I've been waiting about an hour and a half#I say. okay? okay. 30 more minutes go by. I try to call the guy back. straight to voicemail. three more calls. three more no answers.#I call my insurance back. sit on hold for 15 min. eventually get put through to a different person who's like “okay let me check on him”#get put on hold. eventually she comes back and says “okay he says 15 minutes” I've been waiting over 2 hours at this point. I have to PEE#I just... burst into tears. on the phone with this poor random woman from Geico Insurance. I'm bawling my eyes out.#she was trying to get claim info from me but I'm crying so hard she's like “oh baby no. okay. okay. we can get that from you tomorrow.”#when you cry so hard that even the insurance company is like “you know what we're just going to let this one slide”#anyway guy eventually shows up. he's very nice even though I hate him a little for being so late. he drives me to an OPEN TIRE SHOP
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something that had always been really frustrating for me when i was still in math classes in school was trying to watch the teacher actually work the problem out on the board and still not understanding wtf was happening. for some context, i heavily suspect that i have some form of dyscalculia because math and numbers literally do not compute properly in my brain. it'd be too long to explain the full extent of my possible dyscalculia here but math literally does the mental equivalent of maxing out the CPU power and memory of a computer to the point where it freezes and lags to my brain.
math class was always stressful for me because no matter what i did and how much progress i made, there was always a lack of understanding i had when it came to trying to work any math problem out long term and remembering anything. it felt like there was always something i was missing, so when the time came for the teacher to explain and go through a math problem step-by-step on the whiteboard, i made sure i paid as much attention to it as humanly possible as child-to-teenager me could muster and even then i still did not understand how the fuck they solved it, all because of one thing: the teacher pulling a random number completely out of their ass that happened to be the key to solving the problem.
like. i don't think i can illustrate how frustrating and isolating this was to experience with words alone. here i was, paying as much attention as i physically could, trying my damned hardest to memorise each individual step and calculation in order to understand how to get from point A to point B. everything made perfect sense up until the teacher suddenly stops for a second and writes a seemingly completely unrelated number there with no context as to why it's there in the first place, and then, in that singular moment, everything immediately comes crumbling down and i'm left completely confused. and somehow, everyone else around me perfectly understands it except me. like. imagine sitting there, giving the teacher all the attention you possibly could, literally watching and studying their hand movements just to understand every single step, only to be even more confused than your classmates, who you're pretty sure were half-asleep during the explanation, who also say they understand how the teacher came to that conclusion. what. the actual fuck.
when i try to explain how infinitely confusing and irritating this was for me, i'm reminded of a quote from that video Patricia Taxxon made about DHMIS: "The rug is pulled again ... There was never any hope of following the thread, understanding is impossible.". even when i was literally trying my best to possibly follow anything that was happening, the rug still gets pulled out from under my feet and i'm sent all the way back to square one of not understanding a single thing and being confused again. all because the teacher didn't explicitly explain how they got that random number that was apparently singlehandedly necessary for solving the equation and where they got it from, apart from that place being from literally fucking nowhere.
it's really no wonder that i eventually stopped giving a shit about paying attention in math class, because even when i was, it was still daunting and incomprehensible as always. why bother trying anymore when trying still gets you nowhere? trying to ask the teacher where they got that number from was an impossible to understand task as well, as their either snapped back with a "well you should have been paying attention" (even though i WAS but whatever) or they do explain that they added the first two numbers from the equation together or something, but now i'm wondering why they didn't just explain that in the first place like they did with everything else instead of seemingly just assuming everyone would know to do that.
by the way, if i had to give an estimate, my math ability is probably still at like. a 5th grader's level at best. so uh. yeah it's not good. still, it is kinda funny to me though, not only because i do find a bit of humour in the situation, but also because some people are often so quick to judge someone's intelligence purely based on their mathematical abilities alone. like. the idea of someone calling me dumb for still needing to do addition with my fingers despite the fact that my reading and language levels are considered above average is really funny to me lmaooo
#dyscalculia#math anxiety#i was NOT having fun in math class when i was still in school loollll#to this day i still don't know all my times tables#i just know the essential ones like my 2s 5s and 10s#the others i only really partially remember but i still can't actually do beyond multiples of 12#like i partially know what they are but i can't actually DO them in my head without needing to sit there for a minute or two#i can't do quick maths. i just can't do that. there are too many numbers to keep track of and count at once to do quickly.#like i can't just conjure up a number like a fucken genie like other people seem to do. i need to like. actually count first#i hate quick maths games so much dude. it's so stressful. i physically cannot keep up with it and it's really frustrating and unfun#it's the same when people tell me to do an equation really quickly. like first of all fuck you#and second of all my brain WILL short circuit#anyway yeah this is a vent#making this not rebloggable for that reason..... sorry fellas#i'm still hoping other people with dyscalculia may find this relatable or cathartic#god how that particia taxxon quote strikes my very soul so so much.....#the entire video is really good but that quote specifically. holy shit#understanding is impossible. that is how i feel. that perfectly explains how i feel about math. understanding is impossible. wow.#i feel like data repeating ''i am not less perfect than lore'' to himself about that quote. understanding is impossible.#that is how i have felt about math for such a long fucking time oh my god#understanding anything to do with math and numbers feels impossibly incomprehensible for me.#basic concepts make sense. i understand how the four basic operations work. i just can't understand much else from that.#too many numbers overflow my brain#it takes literal actual power to be able to do one sheet of equations for me#i might not even finish it just because it's so difficult and uninteresting for me#i'm rambling again auahgh. the basic point of this post is that i don't understand math and math teachers don't understand how to make-#-any basic fucking sense. apparently. anyway yeah official steakout dyscalculia coming out post (i probably have it)#(i'm not diagnosed yet but i'm 80% sure i have it)#(the other 20% is me gaslighting myself) (augh)
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