#they could never make me hate u joan.

[frankenfartstein]

joanie <3

[itgetsdark-x]

I Wanna See You Beggin’

Summary: Joel Miller is your dad’s best friend, you knew it was wrong, you knew it would only cause trouble but you couldn’t help the way you ached for the man. (Title is from I Hate Myself for Loving You — Joan Jett & The Blackhearts) 6.9k words. I’m sorry.

Characters: dbf!Joel Miller x f!Reader

Warnings: 18+ only, no minors as it’s just a big ol’ load of smut… praise kink (use of ‘good girl’ a lot), p in v sex, unprotected (be sensible and wrap before u tap, pls), age gap (reader is mid twenties, Joel would be in his late 40s), use of the word ‘daddy’, oral (f receiving), no outbreak in this au.

A/N: hi guys, I haven’t written smut for years and Joel Miller has me frothing at the mouth and giggling like a little girl with a crush especially dbf!joel… Anyway, if this is enjoyed by people, I have an idea of how I could make this into a series. Please leave me nice comments or catch me crying in a corner somewhere lol

“Dad,” you huffed into the receiver as you held your phone to your ear with your shoulder. “I love you and all but I could think of better ways to spend my Friday night rather than listening to you and Joel argue over which 80’s band is the best.” You chuckled fondly as you carried on typing away at the laptop in front of you whilst you spoke into your phone. 

“Sweetheart, I love spending time with you and Joel, you love him as well! I’ll pay for dinner?” He spoke softly and you smiled as your could hear your dad’s smile down the phone. 

“Fine, what time do you want me round, old man?” You teased fondly. “I finish work at 5 today.”

“6:30pm work okay for you? Don’t forget to bring some beer.” Your dad asked with a smirk. 

You rolled your eyes before responding to him, “Fine, I’ll bring the beers but as soon as you and the other old man start arguing, I’m out!” You laughed. 

“Deal,” your dad agreed. “I’ll see you later my sweet pea, love you!” He hummed and hung up before you could respond. 

“Old men and technology.” You muttered to yourself before taking your phone and opening your messaging app. 

You quickly tapped on the screen and chewed on your lip as you did so. 

‘You need a lift to dad’s later? x’ you hit send and placed your phone down on your desk, returning your attention back to your work laptop. You were in the midst of replying to an email when your phone buzzed on your desk beside you. 

‘Sure thing, peach. See you around 6? :) Xx’

You couldn’t help the way your lips upturned into a smile, and as soon as you caught the reaction you chewed on your bottom lip. You hated the way the older male had such a visceral effect on you, you had known Joel Miller for around ten years now. You moved to the city and your father worked with him, the two of them soon became best buddies which in turn, meant he spent a lot of time around you and your house. When you first met Joel you were a mere sixteen-year old kid, from day one you felt an instant attraction to him, you knew it was wrong but you couldn’t deny it. In the beginning it felt like a harmless, childish crush, one that you were bound to grow out of but things only seemed to get worse the older you got, that attraction burned deep in your veins and any time you spent time with the older man you couldn’t help the way your cheeks burned and your pussy throbbed; there had been many nights where you had dropped him home after visiting your dad and rushed home just so you could relieve your tension. Your fingers buried deep in yourself, moaning Joel’s name as you came around them. 

You felt shameful, dirty and down-right embarrassed about those moments but it didn’t stop you from doing it again, and again.. and again. You knew Joel would never cross that line, never, he was too much of a gentleman and had way too much respect for your old man but that didn’t stop the feelings you had for him.

Your mind was reeling, so much so you barely noticed the way your thighs pressed themselves together searching for some relief to your aching core, you stood from your desk in your room and stretched before you looked at the time on your desktop, it read 4pm. You sighed and went to your kitchen to grab a snack and make yourself a strong coffee, you had an hour left of work before you had to shower and get ready before picking Joel up. 

The last hour of your work felt excruciatingly slow, your mind was busy with thoughts of your evening ahead of you; it was no different to your usual Friday get-together with your dad and his friend but today you couldn’t erase the filthy thoughts of Joel from your mind. You quickly showered, hoping the hot water would wash your mind and body clean, you ignored the burning to urge to relieve some tension and give your body the orgasm and relief it so badly needed. 

After showering you, you applied a light layer of make-up, like usual before pulling your hair up in a half-up and half-down style. You looked into your wardrobe and reached for a plain black tank top, orange plaid over shirt and black tennis skirt; you paired the outfit with your favourite pair of black converse. You put your accessories on; earrings, rings and gave your body a spritz of your favourite perfume. After grabbing the 12-pack of beer from the fridge, you quickly grabbed your phone and keys off the counter and left your apartment to go and pick up Joel. 

You were running a tad late but that wasn’t out of the ordinary, and Joel was always expecting it. You pulled up outside his home, gave a beep of your horn and took a shaky breath in as you saw him lock up and approach your car. Your hands gripped the steering wheel a little tighter as he climbed into your car and suddenly your senses were attacked with the older male. The small space filled with his heady scent, his aftershave musky, spicy and just Joel. He was wearing dark grey jeans, not too tight but tight enough to appreciate his thick thighs and your eyes couldn’t help but notice his bulge as he walked. Joel was wearing a dark khaki over shirt and a black T-shirt under that went perfectly with his jeans, and of course, he was wearing his trusty dealer boots. 

“Hey peach,” he spoke and leant over to press a kiss to the side of your head. It was something he had done for years, only now, you craved to feel his lips elsewhere. 

“Hey old man.” You grinned and started your car once more. 

The journey to your father’s house was short, only about twenty minutes; it was annoying that he didn’t live in the same neighbourhood as it always meant you or, on occasion, Joel had to drive. It was a comfortable journey as the two of you spoke about your respective day’s and week’s. 

“So you’re not hanging out with that guy again tonight, oh, what was his name!?” Joel questioned, searching his brain for the name. “Derek? No, no, he definitely seemed like a George!” He laughed, his hands resting comfortably on his thigh, you couldn’t help the way your eyes glanced down at his large digits. 

“His name was Ben, and you know that, Joel. You’re just being a dick.” You shook your head quickly with a laugh. “And nope, dad had other ideas for me… clearly babysitting duties. I would much prefer to be out with Ben but here we are…” You said softly with a roll of your eyes, it was a lie, of course. You would happily spend every waking moment with Joel, if he let you, exploring his body, sharing your thoughts with one another. 

His hand tensed on his thigh, it was brief and barely noticeable but you did notice it; that was… weird? You shook off the feeling and parked up outside your dad’s apartment block. 

“Anyway, I love babysitting you old men. It’s cute. Great practice for when I actually want kids.” You laughed, turning off the ignition and climbing out of your car. “And, I’ve warned dad, slightest hint of bickering between you two and I am out. Gone. Done. You can walk home.” As you spoke, you bent over to reach into the back seat of your car to grab the beers, one leg slightly lifted as your body struggled slightly to pull them closer; you hadn’t given the motion much thought, especially in your outfit.

Joel moved until he was stood behind you, he cleared his throat and looked away sheepishly after catching a glimpse of your black, lace panties. His hand rubbed at the back of his neck awkwardly. “Uh hon, you might want me to grab those? Gonna give someone a heart attack if they see you like that.” His voice was soft as he spoke, still not making eye contact with you. 

“Shit. Sorry, Joel.” You cursed, your cheeks flushed red as you watched the dark haired man grab the beers and you smoothed out your skirt.

The rest of the evening played out like usual; your dad and Joel had a few beers each, you allowed yourself to have one as you were driving and you all ate way too much Chinese take-out. It was getting late, you were laid out on your dad’s couch, your legs swung over your dad’s lap, Joel was sat in the lazy-boy across the room, his legs sprawled wide. This was always part of the routine, you would all catch up on your week’s complain about work, talk about sport’s games that had happened or were about to occur, it was familiar and safe. 

“So get this, bud,” Joel spoke, his voice breaking the noise of whatever Depeche Mode record they had put on the player. “Y/N over here was saying she would have preferred to have hung out with that douche, Ben, we met last month. Can you believe that?” He looked over at you, smirking as he took a swig of his beer. 

“Dick,” you mouthed over to him and let your head hang back onto the arm of the sofa. 

Your dad opened his eyes and looked over at you. “Is that right, sweet pea? You don’t wanna hang out with your favourite ‘old men’?! I’m truly offended.” He laughed, closing his eyes again, feigning hurt. 

“Joel is just bitter I have a better love life and sex life than him.” You shot back, immaturely sticking your tongue out at the other male. 

“Gross! Dad in the room!” Your dad grimaced, watching his hands in front of his face. “You’re my little girl, I don’t wanna hear about you having sex.”

“Hey — that’s not even true, I have sex… plenty of it…” Joel huffed, trying to sound convincing as he lied through his teeth. In truth, Joel never really had an interest in the women he had met, sure he took a few women home from bar to sleep with them but after he lost his wife and child, Sarah, he never really had it in him to give dating a proper go. 

“Sureeee you do,” you giggled, causing your dad to let out a loud laugh.

You all laid about a bit longer, listening to music and joking around before you sat up and stretched your back out, causing your tank top to rise, showing a small sliver of soft skin to show. There it was again, Joel’s hand tensed in place and it was almost as if his jaw clenched down. You were sure you were imagining these things, like usual so you pushed yourself off the sofa and smoothed your clothes out. 

“Right, pop’s I better get old man Miller home before I pass out here. I’m shattered.” You yawned, reinforcing your previous sentence. 

After saying your goodbyes you walked back to your parked car, the cool chill of the late-night air made your skin prick up with goosebumps and sent a small shiver down your spine. 

Joel and you walked in silence, the silence remained as you started your car and cranked the heating up.

“Dick move, bringing up Ben to my dad by the way, Miller. Real dick move.” You spoke, your voice seeming loud in the confined and silent space, just the low thrum of your car’s air vents trying to clear the windows and fill the air with warmth.

“Ha, sorry, Peach. Couldn’t resist it. Was right there for me to tease you with.” He laughed lowly, bringing his hands up to blow some warmth into them. There it was again, that nickname, every time it rolled off his tongue it sent warmth straight to your core. 

“My dad doesn’t need to know what I would rather be doing on a Friday night, or rather who I would rather be doing.” You huffed.

“I wouldn’t go around proclaiming that sorta thing, especially round your pops. I’m sure he wouldn’t wanna hear how corrupt his good girl truly is.” Joel hummed, his finger tapping on his thigh as you began driving. 

‘Good girl’, it rolled off his tongue so effortlessly yet it sent sparks straight to your core, as you drove you shift in your seat and pressed your thighs together. 

“I — I uh, I’m an adult, Joel. I’m a fully grown woman, incase you haven’t noticed. I have needs and wants.” You argued, trying to remain confident in your words. 

“Needs… and wants, huh?” He laughed, raising an eyebrow at you. “Is that why I see you practically drooling every time you see me? Now would you say that’s a need or a want?” Joel asked, his voice low and sultry.

Your mouth dried up instantly, voice getting stuck in your throat as you tried to protest. “I — I do not.” You protested, your voice coming out as a mere squeak.

“Oh peach, I see the way you press your thighs together. So needy for me? Hmm.” He hummed, his hand reaching over to touch your bare thigh. “I’ve seen the way you shift in your seat when I spread my legs in the arm chair or when you catch a short glimpse of my bulge. I’ve seen it all, no need to hide it.” His fingers were barely touching you, ghost-like touches on your skin. It was a risky move, he knew that and he knew you could quite easily pull the car over, kick him out and tell your dad what he had done. It could ruin his only true, pure friendship if your dad found out. But Joel was also sure he had calculated this properly, he had seen you for the past couple years and your minuscule reactions only seemed to ramp up the older you had been getting. 

Your breath hitched harshly in your throat as you tried to concentrate on the road ahead of you but your mind was swimming with Joel once again, his fingers lightly traced patterns on your inner thigh and all you could do was whimper pathetically under his touch. 

“J-joel,” you whined. “Please don’t tease me, I’ll crash the fuckin’ car if you play like that.”

“Oh little girl, I’ve barely placed a hand on you and you’re already whimpering for me? Quite cute really.” He said, his voice seeming deeper than usual; he splayed his hand across the skin of your inner thigh and gripped it tightly. 

You forced your eyes open as you continued to drive, you weren’t sure if you were doing the speed limits or what, all you could think about was the large hand that was so close, yet not nearly close enough to where you needed it the most. You could feel how wet you were already, you had been a mess all evening but now you could physically feel your arousal collecting in your lace panties. 

“You reckon your ol’ man knows how needy you are for me? Your dad’s best friend. Oh peach, what a mess.” He continued, he had moved closer to you now, reaching over the centre console of your car, his breath fanning out over your neck. 

“J-Joel, I’m serious. I’ll crash if you carry on like that. Not funny.” You whined, trying to press your legs together again but feeling resistance in the form of Joel’s hand. 

“Tsk tsk tsk,” Joel tutted. “What are you trying to do there, darlin’?” He laughed, letting his pinky drift closer to your clothed cunt just barely brushing the fabric. 

You whined again, just a small noise from the back of your throat and pulled the car over, from what you could tell you were a few streets away from Joel’s house; the suburban area was dimly lit with few lights and no people walking around, especially not this late anyway. You pushed your car into park, turned off the lights and engine and looked at the older male for a moment, your lips wet and cheeks flushed. 

“Joel…” you started. “Y-you don’t have to do this, I know I’m not your type and I’m sure you’re just trying to play a bit of a joke on me. We should get you home and forget about all of this…” Your breath was shaky, you hoped to every god out there that Joel would continue but you wanted him to know he didn’t have to humour your silly feelings. 

“You don’t think I want this?” Joel asked, his face close to yours, hand still pressed teasingly to your thigh. “I’ve noticed recently, the way you react to me and tonight, w-when you were bent over. Took everything in me to not pull those little panties aside and bury myself deep in that little cunt right there in the middle of the street.” His voice sounded near animalistic as he finished that sentence and your cheeks burned a deep, cherry red as he finished speaking. 

“I didn’t mean to do that, didn’t really think.” You mumbled, looking past him to stare out the window. 

“Shh,” Joel hummed, he leant forward and placed a kiss to your lips with his hand still stroking soft patterns into your inner thigh. 

You sighed contentedly into the kiss, finally experiencing what you had craved for years, your hand snaked up to hold Joel’s face as you deepened the kiss; hungry to taste more of the man. Joel tasted like smoke faintly, salty from the foods you had eaten and there was the distinct taste of hops from the beer he had drank. Your fingers intertwined into his greying hair and you gave it a testing tug; Joel groaned and allowed his tongue to swipe across your bottom lip. Eagerly, you opened your mouth and urged the kiss to be deepened, taking as much of him in as you could in that moment. 

Joel saw this as his opportunity to advance his hand, he slipped his fingers under the hem of your skirt and let them stroke across the damp fabric of your panties. You whimpered into the kiss, your hips bucked forward searching for further contact. He couldn’t help but smile at how undone you were already. Joel teased his fingers across the waistband of the lace fabric of your panties, teasingly slow, just as you were about to pull away from the kiss and protest he allowed two fingers to slip into your wet folds and agonisingly slowly circle your swollen clit. 

“Fuck,” he growled lowly. “So fuckin’ wet for me already, darlin’?”

You nodded, gripping at Joel’s forearm as he started to rhythmically circle and play with your clit. He was right, you were near sopping as he slipped through your folds. 

“Wanted this for s-so long,” you whimpered. You couldn’t quite believe this was real, you were almost convinced you would wake up any moment, sprawled out on your bed with your fingers deep inside of yourself and not actually in your car, with Joel Miller’s fingers close to making you cum already. 

“Yeah?” Joel asked, his fingers speeding up. “Wanted to feel my fingers on your wet pussy, making you feel good? Huh? How does it feel to have my fingers finally in you?” Joel spoke, his voice a low huff as his fingers worked quickly. 

“So. Good.” You moaned, the noise low and breathy. “Feels so good. I’m going to cum. Please.”  

Joel groaned, he still couldn’t believe this was happening to him. Since you started maturing over the past couple of years he had thought so many times about how much he would love to corrupt you; to have his fingers, mouth and cock making you fall apart at the seams. Just anything to make you feel good. 

“That’s it, atta girl. Cum for me, good girl.” Joel whispered, his lips ghosting over your ear as he sunk a digit into you abruptly and let his palm bump up against your clit.

That was it, the white hot, searing heat in your stomach erupted and your eyes screwed themself shut so tight you saw white patterns dancing behind your eyelids. Your teeth sunk into your bottom lip so hard the familiar metallic tang flooded your mouth, anything to stop you from alerting the neighbourhood with your screams. If that You that wasn’t just the best orgasm of your life, you would have been slightly embarrassed at quickly he had made you cum. 

Joel barely moved his finger in you, just circled it slightly but his palm nudged your clit as he worked your through your orgasm and it made you whimper loudly, your body flinching with over sensitivity. He took the hint and removed his hand from your wrecked panties and brought it up to his mouth, sucking his digits to clean them from your juices. 

“Taste so sweet, just like a peach.” He groaned, his fingers popping from his mouth, the noise startling you from your orgasmic comedown. There it was again, your nickname but now it just sounded sinful and you knew going forward, you wouldn’t be able to hear it without getting wet and embarrassed. 

When you finally regained some composure, you looked at Joel; your lips were swollen and red and your cheeks had a light flush settled on them. He smiled, thinking you were truly the most perfect sight he had ever seen. Your hand reached over to his lap, you had a hunger and needed to curb the insatiable need for his cock. Your small hand palmed him through his jeans, he was rock hard and fuck, he was big. You swallowed, almost nervously at the thought of his large cock stretching your tight hole out. Of course you had slept with people, you weren’t a virgin but your previous boyfriend was nowhere near that big and he definitely couldn’t make you come that hard, even on his best days. You gently squeezed at his length, stroking him through the rough fabric. 

“Not here, darlin’. How about we go back to mine so I can properly appreciate you?” He asked, and just as you opened your mouth to protest saying you wanted him right there and now he spoke once more. “I’ll drive, dunno if you can drive properly after that, little girl. I saw how hard you came on my fingers, now imagine how hard you could cum on my cock.”

Your whole body shuddered involuntarily, never in all your years of knowing Joel had you heard such filthy things from his mouth; he had always been the perfect Southern gentleman. You were soon pulled out of your thoughts by Joel opening your car door. 

“Shuffle over.” He commanded. 

You nodded dumbly and did as you were told. Joel swiftly started the car and continued the drive back to his, it barely took ten minutes but every minute felt like torture; your mouth watered at the thought of Joel filling your holes, using you how he pleased, your core ached with the need to be full of Joel again. 

Once the car was parked, Joel hopped out and was once again opening your door for you, you exited the car and grimaced at the cool air hitting your skin. You felt Joel’s hand on the small of your back, guiding you into his home, a place you had been hundred’s of times before but this time you felt nervous. 

He opened his front door for you and you walked in, just as you were about to turn and speak to the male he was holding your hips in his large hands and pressing your smaller frame against the wall. His lips were on yours and starting a bruising kiss, once again your hands found their way into his hair and you moaned softly. You wanted to be stuck like this forever, with his soft lips on yours and his rough facial hair scratching your skin slightly reminding you exactly who was kissing you. 

“Please don’t tease, I just want you so badly Joel. I have for years, b-been thinking about your cock filling me up for years.” You whined, sounding like a petulant child. 

“And I’ll be fillin’ you up real soon, sweet girl. But how about I make you feel good again, yeah? You think you can be good for me and cum again, I wanna truly taste how sweet you are, sugar.” He growled, his lips trailing rough kisses down your neck. God how he wished he could mark you up, head to toe, just so people would know you were all his.

Your knees buckled, and your body fell against Joel’s slightly, causing him to laugh breathily; no woman had ever reacted like that to him before, let alone just his words but then again, no woman was like you. He took you by the hand and led you up to his room, you couldn’t help but take in your surroundings, you had been in Joel’s room a couple times before but you had never noticed just how much it smelt like him. 

“How about we get you nice and comfortable, let’s get those clothes off you. Can’t wait to see your body.” He started by pushing your plaid shirt off your shoulders, throwing it over to the side; the heavy fabric landed with a dull thud onto his wooden floor and with that he swiftly removed your tank top. Somewhere along the way you had both kicked your shoes off but your brain was too murky to fully register it. 

Joel’s rough hands slid up your sides, he was drinking in every inch of your curves and soft skin; in the wake of his hands your skin was freckled with goosebumps. 

“So beautiful,” he breathed, a dim light casting beautiful shadows over his face. You felt embarrassed as his eyes fully drank in your form. “May I?” He asked, voice soft and smooth like honey, his hands were at the clasp of your bra and you simply nodded. It seemed like a trivial thing to ask permission for considering less than thirty minutes ago you were cumming around his fingers. 

He removed your bra, your perky breasts bounced ever so as the supportive fabric was gone. Your nipples hardened as the cool air hit them, pulling the sensitive skin tight. Joel could have devoured you whole, right there and then. His large, calloused hands came up to hold your breasts, his thumbs swiping over your nipples almost in a testing fashion. He did it again when it elicited a moan from your throat, he pinched the sensitive buds and your back arched towards him. 

“Joel, I can’t take it. Please.” You whined, his touches were entirely too much yet not enough all at once. It was your own form of perfect torture. 

The older male was loving this, watching your eager reactions as he toyed with your body, his cock was hard and leaking in his jeans and he couldn’t wait to be inside of you. 

“Be patient, darlin’. We have all night.” He smirked, slowly sinking to his knees in front of you. 

His rough hands begrudgingly left the peaks of your breasts and worked their way down to the zip of your tennis skirt, he unzipped the fabric causing it to fall to the floor. You took the cue and kicked it to side, out of the way. Joel’s fingers hooked into the waistband of your panties once more and slid them down your legs, you rested onto his shoulder and stepped out of them, just before you could kick them to the side, he was bunching them up and shoving them into his back pocket. 

This man — he would be the death of you, you just knew it. 

You were about to make a comment and protest but Joel was stood once again and gently pushing you back onto the bed behind you; you fell onto the plush mattress with ease, your thighs falling open without being asked to do so. You felt exposed, vulnerable but above all else, you felt needy. 

“Good girl, without even being told to lie like that. Such a beautiful girl.” He remarked, pulling his shirt over his head and slipping his jeans from his thick thighs. 

You rested up on your elbows to peer at Joel as he undressed and your throat tightened, all the air in the room seeming to have evaporated immediately. He was beautiful, all harsh lines to the outside world but in the glow of his bedroom now, he looked soft and warm. You were in deep, and you knew it meant deep trouble. 

He palmed himself through his boxers just to stave off some of the throbbing and your eyes followed eagerly, the thick outline of his cock making your walls clench around nothing. Wordlessly Joel knelt at the end of the bed, latched his hands onto your thighs and pulled you closer so you could feel his hot breath fanning over your sopping folds. Your hips bucked into thin air, nothing there to help you and he laughed, it was quiet and breathy but he definitely laughed — fucker.

Joel trailed two fingers through your folds, collecting your arousal on them once again and without warning he plunged them into you roughly. You gasped, your back arched off the bed and your fists balled into the sheets either side of yourself. His fingers were so thick, so much thicker than any man you had been with before; you weren’t sure whether that was down to the age difference or just Joel’s build. He slowly pumped his fingers in and out rhythmically, building speed and curling them so they brushed that perfect, sensitive spot inside of you. 

Your mouth was agape as you laid there, completely at his will, writhing under his relentless touch. Moan after moan, after moan spilled from your parted lips and just as you felt the tension tighten in your stomach Joel lapped his tongue of your clit. Your back arched and the filthiest moan escaped your mouth, you weren’t even sure how that noise had come from you but it had and it had Joel smirking as his tongue swiped through your folds again just to circle around your clit once more. 

Your hand laced its way into Joel’s hair, your fingers gripping the strands with a deathly vice and he groaned into your pussy causing vibrations to ripple through you. You weren’t sure how you were still holding on but your stomach was twisting, tightening and bubbling as your orgasm approached once again. 

“Mmm, good girl.” He praised as your walls clenched around his fingers as he continued to pump them into your wet heat. The room was filled with obscenely filthy noises; your moans echoed throughout the empty space as Joel slurped up your juices. 

“Joel —“ you sobbed, your back arching impossibly high off the mattress below you. “C-can I cum? Please. Need it.” You asked pathetically.

Why were you asking permission?

Never before had you felt so submissive for a partner in bed, never once had you asked permission to cum, no, normally you would be chasing your high, just trying to grasp at a fraction of how good Joel was making you feel. 

“That’s it baby, such a good girl for asking permission. Wanna make you feel as good as I can, peach.” He groaned in between pleasuring you. “Cum all over my face, wanna taste as much as I can.”

That was it, the coil in your stomach snapped abruptly and you were gushing onto Joel’s fingers, a pleasured scream tumbling from your lips. Never, not once had you squirted before, yet here you were, soaking the sheets beneath you and in turn, Joel’s beard and your own thighs. You would have felt ashamed if you didn’t feel such pure euphoria in the moment. Your back was twisted and contorted off the sheets as Joel worked you through it, making you squirt further.

He could have cum in his boxers, like a teenager as the first drops of your orgasm hit his face. He lapped up as much of you as he could, like a man who had been starved for years. And he had, he had been starved from allowing himself to have this moment with you and now he had you, he wanted to savour and devour you as much as you would allow him to. 

“Joel,” you whimpered, your thighs trapping his head. “C-can’t do it anymore!” You sounded wrecked, your throat felt raw from how loudly you had been moaning. 

Joel laughed, pushed your thighs apart and removed his fingers from you. You winced and your walls clenched around air, feeling so empty once again. 

“Please, p-please can I have you now?” You asked, positioning yourself on your knees in front of Joel. You reached your hand to feel his hard cock through his boxers once again and this time, he didn’t stop you. 

You abruptly pulled the checkered fabric from his waist and his boxers pooled at his feet; freeing his cock finally, it sprang up against his stomach and you all but moaned. 

“You’re so…” you whispered, looking up at Joel through your lashes as your small hand wrapped around his thick length. The tip was dark, a bead of pre-cum glistened at the slit and all you wanted was to taste it, to taste Joel’s musk. “You’re so big, fuck.” You cursed, your tongue sticking out to kitten lick at his tip. 

You wanted to sink your mouth down his length to fully take him in so your nose could bury into Joel’s thatch of dark hair but you resisted and gave him another lick, tongue flicking into his slit.

Joel groaned, a low and gruff noise from the back of his throat. “Fuck, darlin’, I gotta be in you. None of this.” He spoke lowly, his thumb coming down to swipe along your bottom lip and you quickly sucked it into his mouth. 

“Please, daddy.” You whispered, the honorific slipping from your throat before you could process it. A look of horror washed over your features and you knelt up higher to look Joel in the eyes. “I — I, — sorry. I didn’t mean —“

Your fumbling words were cut off when Joel placed his big hand around your throat and brought you in for a kiss. You were trouble, you were sinful and he was damned. He had been called daddy a few times by younger women, they thought it was sexy; the way they would flutter their lashes at him at the bar, saunter over to him and whisper ‘hey daddy.’ Normally it made his skin crawl and caused his body to cringe but the way it almost innocently slipped from your lips, it was like a curse from the devil himself and it made Joel’s cock jump, nudging your stomach. 

He squeezed his hand around your throat and you smiled? Trouble. Nothing but pure trouble. 

“Not such a good girl, after all, huh? Been acting all innocent all these years.” He whispered, his thumbs squeezing near your pulse point, hard enough to make your head feel lighter and floaty but soft enough not to hurt you deliberately. “God, what would your old man say about this? See his little girl begging to cum, see you squirting on his best friend’s face. Smiling as I wrap a hand round your throat. Your trouble, darlin’. Nothin’ but damn trouble.” He whispered, his teeth nipping at your bottom lip before peppering small nips to the flesh of your neck. 

Your legs trembled as they held you up, it was wrong but his words went straight to your core and soaked you further, you didn’t think your arousal could get higher but here you were. He was right though; your dad would be horrified, would be downright mortified to know what his daughter was truly like and at the hands of his best friend? That would destroy your lives. All three of you. You pushed that bitter thought away as your head lulled back and you allowed Joel to grope at your chest, hungry to feel your body once more. 

“Say it again,” he growled into your ear as he pushed your body back down onto the bed. “Call me it again as I fuck you real good. How ‘bout I show you what it’s like to have a real man fuck you, not some silly boy.” He said, his voice gruff whilst he stroked the tip of his cock through your folds. 

“Daddy,” you whimpered, parting your legs further to allow Joel more room to enter you. “Daddy please fuck me.” You begged, sounding weak. 

“Oh, of course, baby girl.” He cooed, pushing his cock into you roughly until he was bottomed out. “Fuck,” he cursed. 

“S-so big, daddy.” You whimpered, your hands grasping at Joel’s biceps, just trying to hold onto something as you adjusted to the slight burn of him stretching you out. “Mmm, please move.” You moaned. 

“Atta girl, taking daddy’s cock so good already.” Joel groaned and he swore that he saw heaven in that moment; your tight body below him, contorting to how he needed. He had already built up a punishing pace, hips drawing back to slam forward roughly. The room was filled with echoes of your skin slapping together, his deep pants and your wanton moans and weak, pleading whimpers. 

“I’ve wanted this for s’long,” you sobbed, your eyes falling shut as the tension built further in your stomach once more. You knew from this point forward you would be wrecked for any other man, no one would be able to make you feel this good. Not even close. “T-touched myself so many times thinking about you fucking me.” You admitted, the words falling without thought. “Want you to cum in me, wanna be full of just you, Joel.” You moaned. 

Joel was a goner, he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this up for much longer, you were too tight, too wet and just too good for him to have any real stamina. Your admission didn’t help matters, either. The thought of you spread out on your own sheets, touching yourself to him?!

He gripped one of your hips tightly, hard enough to leave bruises on your delicate skin as he fucked into you harder with deep groans. “Can’t be saying that to me, peach. Gonna cum too quickly.” He hissed, his free hand snaking between you to trace circles around your clit. 

“I c-can’t do it again,” you stuttered, your body burning from the inside and out. “Too much.” You breathed, your sharp nails clawing at any bare skin you could find. Just anything to anchor you down as Joel pulled another orgasm from you. 

“I think you can. Hmm?” Joel spoke. “What you think? Wanna be a real good girl for daddy and give me one more?” His thumb sped up but his hips slowed to a sensual roll, his cock head bumping the electrified bundle of nerves deep in your walls. You clenched around him tightly and he moaned, louder than before. “That’s it, baby. That’s it. One more, come on now. Come on.” He groaned, working your clit faster. 

You whined, the noise stuck in your throat as your back arched once more and you clenched around Joel before gushing around him with a moan of his name. “Joel, Joel, Joel, Joel, J—.” Your eyes had rolled back, any further and they would have disappeared into the back of your skull.

“Such a good girl, fuck. So tight. That’s it, squirt on my cock.” He groaned, removing his hand from your clit to hold down both your hips as he fucked into you with more fervour. He wasn’t going to last long, but he also knew you couldn’t take much more. You were cock drunk and spent. “Gonna fill you up so. fuckin’. good.” He huffed, accentuating each word with a thrust. 

“Daddy,” you cried, tears pricking the corners of your eyes as your body went into overdrive. 

That was it, that’s all it took. Joel looked down at you, your were a mess and all from him, tears fell onto your cheeks as he finished inside of you with a groan of your name. “Shhh, that’s it sweet girl. Such a good girl.” He cooed, his hand cupping your cheek as he emptied himself into you. 

You moaned, feeling the hot liquid of his cum fill you up, your walls clenched weakly, just trying to milk him of every drop and you turned to kiss his hand. The room smelt of sex, the air was thick and hot and sleep called to you like a sweet song. 

Joel pulled out of you with a hiss and you whimpered, your body felt like there were a hundred tiny pin pricks on your skin. You were overstimulated and completely spent but ultimately, you were so happy. 

“Hmmm, m’sleepy.” You hummed contentedly.

“I know, sweet girl but can’t sleep here. The sheets are a mess. How about you have a rest in the spare room and I’ll go sleep on the couch?” He asked softly, brushing your sweat-dampened hair from your face. 

“Sorry about the sheets,” You giggled, eyes heavy-lidded and barely open. “Although, was kinda your fault. You’re a dirty old man, too good at that.” You teased, still giggling. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m going to hell.” He huffed, his voice all too serious. 

Joel scooped your naked body off his bed with a gruff noise and before you knew it, you were in another bed with the duvet wrapped around you. Joel had cleaned you up with a damp towel, dressed you in one of his shirts and wrapped you up into the sheets. 

“Stay with me,” you whispered as Joel turned to walk out, assuming you had already passed out for the night. “P-please stay with me.” You cried, tears filling your eyes. 

He smiled and obliged with no arguments. The mattress dipped beside you and he wrapped his large arms around your waist, pulling you close.

“Of course I’ll stay, peach.” He whispered and pressed a kiss to your temple.

You hummed sleepily, your eyes already closed and you felt peaceful. It was the most peaceful you had felt in a long time. Joel was there, you finally felt content and safe in his arms. You knew trouble was brewing on the horizon but right there, in that moment, you couldn’t find it in you to actually care.

Everything felt like it was too much, of course your fantasy came true but what did this mean for your futures? You only assumed it would be messy and all too hard on you both. 

You drifted off to sleep peacefully that night, the most peaceful you had been in far too long. Your senses screamed Joel and you felt safe. You knew trouble was brewing on the horizon but for now, you were content and happy.

——————————

——————————

[thebendsbyradiohead]

tagged by @berrytart thank u so much bc i have Thoughts & now an excuse to share them lol

last read: severance by ling ma & the new me by halle butler

so i was going to just include severance here but i was rly curious where the new me would go & i literally just finished it & liked it a lot!!!

both books deal with blithe, depressed & passionless protagonists stuck in the never-ending loop of what it means to exist in late stage capitalism which despite all evidence of it in the real world, i apparently also seek out in fiction to reassure me i'm not broken to feel that way too?

severance is amazing & i highly recommend it altho fair bit of content warning for an eerily prescient pandemic plot down to the ghoulish response of governments & businesses. (seriously, it was released in 2018 & if i was ling ma, i'd be buying lottery tickets every single day since march 12 2020). it also does a masterful job of depicting the immigrant experience abroad, especially if you're going thru it alone & without a large support network. the protagonist is also a chinese woman & her relation to her race is also a significant theme that's tied up in the overall arc of the novel, making you realize the title works on several levels: severance from your culture, from your family, from happiness, from humanity. is there nothing capitalism can't take from you?

the new me is a bit more condensed and focused on the inner machinations of a lonely depressed woman who can't seem to hold down a permanent job surrounded by vapid self-interested people & slowly becoming more like them (if not already). it's highly reminiscent of my year of rest and relaxation but i found the descriptors of the banality & pointlessness of office life poignant since it singled out how stupid all of it is. i also appreciated the glimpses of the minds of random side characters who the MC often judges but the author shows us they're as frail & human & pathetically hopeful just like she is, like we all are. while it might not be as layered as severance is, the claustrophobic feeling it gave me & the portrayal of bullshit jobs in late stage capitalism & the way it punishes weakness, vulnerability, and authenticity was painfully familiar. i wish i could give it to my therapist to understand my perspective but she'd probably tell me stop reading shit like this & taking it as truth

currently reading: play it as it lays by joan didion & imagining the balkans by maria todorova

i'm gonna be real with you chief (didion), carrie fisher did this better. this is my first time reading fiction by didion & the year of magical thinking was truly a cathartic read for me but this ain't it. it's a story about a failing actress who's divorcing from this director that made her famous & they have a sick kid & she drinks & hangs out with other rich people & she's not even funny. idk, maybe it's just not resonating with me at this point of my life but i doubt i will be a famous actress at any point & i'm not aiming to be an alcoholic mother so. it's a pity that the things i liked in the year of magical thinking, like the direct prose & complex human relationships, just fall flat here. i guess knowing the things in the year of magical thinking were real made them seem that much more impactful (as much as i hate that). i still have half of it left so i'll finish it but atp i'm not even curious what happens

i just started imagining the balkans so i can't say much abt it except that it's dense and very philosophical which makes sense ig lol. until now she's brought up several arguments i've kind of realized myself but it's nice to have the theory and historical research behind them presented. otherwise, how could i know some random american dude joined one of the sections of the macedonian liberation movement in the 1900s simply because he was bored at home & looking for mystery & intrigue?

To read: miracle in the andes by nando parrado

as a kid my favorite type of story was A Weirdo Stuck In An Inhospitable Environment Survives Against All Odds so this memoir from one of the survivors of the uruguayan air force flight 571 crash whose skull shattered & he still walked an entire mountain & found help is bound to be good

i tag @cuntextual @yugocar @christianbalegf

[dullahandyke]

final part of trial 4 liveblog ^_^ finished it tonight yay. ill probs start on case 5 tomorrow but i wont finish it before going back to college 4 the week

ok took another break now we're back! not that it makes a difference to you cunts lol

i do enjoy how the text scrawl sfx are basically the same as ever. so cahrming

also enjoying the polyphony of the music again... mfw melodies

i can also vividly imagine patricia beat's instagram and it's horrific. homemeade meals for her hubby and god bless our boys in blye

ok new theory, stabing did happen on garrideb side of the road, green picked up a brning book and the knife fell on her

NOT PAT PULLING THE MISOGYNY CARD

'there's no one straighter than my husband' that wasn't being disputed, patsy

... the judge says 'good golly'? surely it's 'goodness gracious', golly is So fuckin american

i keep waiting for roly to have a breakdown sprite and he never does. cross between dissatisfying and novel

ah there he goes

WE'RE LETTING ROLY GET AWAY WITH THIS???? nah fuck that i hate cops and i hate romance and i hate cops x2

god i wish we weren't dealing w joan garrideb. the fat jokes r lethal. bring back plum kitaki if u needed a fat lady capable of murder. i miss the kitakis

can we get john a chair or something???

i understand why, but the lack of period-typical misogyny is v glaring. i feel ike something could have been done w joan's husband taking the stand with her + having him be seen as the reliable man. wouldn't have said anything but they made patsy play the misogyny card earlier in a way u were supposed to think ridiculous when this is what, mary poppins time? sufragette movement hasn't resolved (or maybe even started) idk mary poppins is my sole reference for british history

hate to agree w bvz but 'hell on earth' is right

the mythical invention of fingerprints... fingerprints are the fingerpints of the fingers <3

... is the ass of garrideb's housecoat burned off???? srsly can we get him a chair

olive green is a lesser known waifu she's cute

not garrideb calling his wife old bean :sob:

omg natsume hi it's been a minute

if u gave natsume a tumblr i think he'd thrive. one third mediaposting one third 'guys i'm scared' one third public breakdown and one thrid poetry. he's so good at tumblring that he unlocks another third

amazed by the fact that we've not had any multi-day trials yet. i see what ppl say abt the pacing

SHOLMES!!!

don't guilt natsume for running, sholmes, cant u see hes the most ancious man in thr world?

YES SUSATO PROTECT HIM... no cops at pride just susato and her tosses

wait hold on i just remembered that shamspeare showed up this case. why tf did shamspeare show up

'what it lacks in windows, it more than makes up for with a floor, a ceiling, AND walls' natsume...

wait the evil spirit that suffocates him in his sleep is the cat innit

finished this case on its canon date! pog

sholmes without the coat... he's practically shirtless

IRIIIIIIIS HI AGAIN!!!! :3

loved it when ryuu said 'cant wait to see what The Great Ace Attorney Adventures are awaiting us;

if sholmes were a butch lesbian i would be bewitched body and soul

listening to the music section n the alternative mesage displays r rlly cool. the unused themes also . susatos unused theme fucks

also i feel the need to point out that the ace attorney sfx head is named 'sando'. ace attorney name

istg asougi's va is familiar... future me go look it up

^ ETA HES FUCKING NOZAKI ? FROM HIT ANIME GEKKOU SHOUJO NOZAKI KUN? my god. autism handshake between nozaki and asougi

now i'm in the gallery... sholmes's crest represents him (gear) protecting iris (flower)? wahhhhhhh

the way nuri describes asougi's hachimaki like 'the winds of change are sure to be blowing whereever he is' compared to how foggy and unmoving the london air is... game 2 moment

[butchviking]

what's your opinion on gerard crossdressing and the themes behind his costumes (nurse, cheerleader, lady di, etc)?

i am so so happy for him and so so inspired by him and im so glad he feels comfortable to like. do all these character archetypes and have his artistic vision (his character work has always been sooo fundamental to this band i was thinking abt this today and its so what's set them apart from the very beginning but ESPECIALLY from revenge onwards) and not be held back by gender. like if he wants to do a vintage cheerleader or nurse outfit he can just DO that. that seems so huge for him and im. it makes my heart so full and for him to be openly so gnc and so HAPPY and up there w his best friends who love & support him. with his fuckign. grey hairs. smiling and laughing. having fun. it looks like freedom it. makes me feel like anything is possible it makes me feel like it gets better. like its all going to be ok. im literally so sappy abt it im tearing up rn cheerard changed me fundamentally as a person. listening to hesitant alien and then seeing him dance and smile and laugh in his little dresses. like u did it honey. u got through it. maybe we all can too.

idk how much i could say abt the themes of his outfits... idk if ive talked about it enough to really find the words. i know he's playing on classic female archetypes of american culture (ofc lady di was english but as i gather she was huuuge in america enough 2 be a cultural icon there too). i know marina toybina talked abt how he was so clear in his vision and all his characters he wanted to do and he basically walked in like "here is what i want. can you help me make this happen" but i couldn't really say if there's like. anything in particular he's trying to communicate? one thing worth noting is i think everything he's done so far has represented a woman who's been held up as an icon, but has been wronged. the pinnacle of this being joan of arc who is the most revered and the most wronged. idk i would love 2 discuss this more w ppl!! i never rly get to discuss things like this :( i have one irl my chem friend and she hates analytical discussion 🙄

[solasan]

i'm greedy n would love to see all of the creation prompts for marine pls n thank u xoxo

infamous MC questions

THANK U TABBY 💙💙💙

Development: How did you come up with your character? Is their design still evolving? How do you think they might develop through the story?

oh she's definitely still evolving LOL. i'm still trying to get to grips with her, but i think i'm starting to figure her out so yay!! i'm super boring in the way i develop characters, so i just kind of started from a jumping point of 1) angsty angry ex relationship w seven 2) daisy jones but make it grunge rock 3) fun wild colour scheme LOL. marnie's a name i've been testing on a few ocs recently n this time she's stuck &lt;3

as for how she might develop, i'm hoping she Matures Emotionally LOL. from imposter syndrome & abandonment issues poster child > queen of self-confidence and love, baby! idk what form that would take (like i think it's a development she could have if they lost botb, but also if they won) but here's hoping she doesn't alienate everyone with her pride before it happens 🤞

Voice: What does their singing voice sound like? Do you have voiceclaims(s) for them?

answered here

Lyrics: What are some songs you associate with your character? Any specific lyrics that really scream your character?

cherry bomb (joan jett & the blackhearts) is a big marnie song bc 1) i know for a fact she screams along to it in the car all the time and 2) the lyrics are just... very her vibe. allll of i hate my mom (GRLwood) is very heavily marnie-coded too LOL. all eyes on me (bo burnham) is very lyrically marnie (are you feeling nervous? are you having fun? it's almost over / it's just begun) even if the genre/style isn't anything she'd sing (tho she might listen?).

Fame: Do you think your character will enjoy fame? Do they think they will? What elements do you think they might struggle with? Do you think they’ll be happy at the end of this road?

marnie definitely wants fame; definitely feels an urge to prove herself and to also seek out people who love her, who want her around and admire her. but i think the realities of fame will prooooobably suck for her more than she thinks they will. she loves attention & admiration, but i think the fickleness of public opinion is gonna fuck w her (shes already struggling to handle this whole fight situation & reactions to it in the press as well as all the references to her relationship w seven).

also, despite how open she seems, there's a lot of stuff abt her life that she wants to keep private (what rly happened with seven, why she doesnt talk to her parents, the true extent of her partying) so having no public boundaries is..... gna be difficult for her, aha. but i think the accomplishment will help her in her way towards happiness, and she'll be proud of herself & the band for any fame/appreciation they manage to claw out?? and she absolutely will love being adored by her fans LOL so u kno there's highs and there's lows

Storybeats: If you could design one scene to happen in the story, what would it be? How would it change your character? What would make it so satisfying for the character arc?

answered here

Wild card: Tell us something about your MC! Feel free to really just roll us over with an emotional steamroller and crush the souls out of our bodies, if you’d like. (You’re also welcome to choose one of the other questions to answer!)

hmmmm. she got into music in the first place to try bonding with her dad aha :/ he had a lot of old rock records and he used to listen to them when he wasn't on assignment. even used to laugh when she sang along sometimes, which was a balm for her no one loves me heart. he kind of lost interest over the years, tho, so it never brought them together.

when she left her parents' house for the last time, she stole his rumours vinyl lol. probably that might come back to bite her on the ass legally like that is entirely possible. but it's one of her most sentimentally valuable possessions, even if she doesnt break it out often bc it makes her think of her dad :/ it's defo come on tour with them in her luggage

Seven: Do you have headcanons about their friendship and/or romantic relationship (past or future)? What do you imagine some of their best memories are? What do you think some of Seven’s favourite things about your MC were/are?

answered here

[plscallmeeren]

3 I H A T E M Y S E L F F O R L O V I N G Y O U

'Midnight, gettin' uptight, where are you?

You said you'd meet me, now it's quarter to two

I know I'm hangin' but I'm still wantin' you

Hey Jack, it's a fact they're talkin' in town

I turn my back and you're messin' around

I'm not getting jealous, don't like lookin' like a clown

I think of you every night and day

You took my heart, and you took my pride away

I hate myself for loving you

Can't break free from the the things that you do

I wanna walk but I run back to you

That's why I hate myself for loving you

Daylight, spent the night without you

But I've been dreamin' 'bout the lovin' you do

I'm over being angry 'bout the hell you put me through

Hey man, bet you can't treat me right

You just don't know what you was missin' last night

I wanna see you beggin', say, 'forget it' just for spite'

- Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

"See you later, have fun," I called after the twins as they hurried off, simply smiling back at Evan before she left as well. Miriam was at home, 'sick', but in truth she was grieving for her ex-girlfriend that broke up with her.

I wanted to be with her, hugging her, comforting her, whispering sweet nothings that I never knew whether they were true or not, all of it. But instead I was standing in my car door, holding eye contact with Billy Hargrove as he did the same.

Max jumped out of the car beside him, ready to catch up with Angel (who hadn't seen her), but made a point to come up to me beforehand.

Her head sunk as she whispered to me, mildly fearful but mainly fierce, willing me to believe her words: "Stay away from him. Please. I can tell you're not like the others to him - I don't know what he'll do. But he's dangerous. He could hurt you."

"Thanks for the warning. I'm taking you seriously, believe me, but... I spent almost every day of my life with him for three years. He never hurt me," I countered. At least not physically, but I kept that thought to myself. There were no greetings, no small talk, no sugar-coating.

It was strange talking to someone that way. I wasn't used to it in the least. But it was undeniably refreshing. Who did, after all, need all those frivolous words and endless double-meanings?

She shook her head in disbelief, licking her lips nervously as she glanced behind her at Billy, who was beginning to approach us.

"Be careful," she breathed, throwing her skateboard onto the ground and jumping on it, rolling away as she called out for Evan.

What had he done to her? What exactly, so that she had grown so scared?

"That little shit- What did she say to you? Huh? What did she say?" he spoke loudly, and for the first time in years I remembered the intimidating aura that pulsated and radiated when he was angry at someone. More than anything, I remembered those same savage eyes when their hungry gaze was turned on me.

"You're angry, baby. I always told you I'd refuse to talk to you when you're angry. Hasn't changed. Even if no one else abides by such a sensible policy," I reminded him calmly, closing the car door behind me and leaning on the vehicle instead.

He tensed, visibly making an effort to breathe deeply and stop his raging heart.

"Okay, now what-"

"You're still angry," I repeated, walking up to him and setting a hand on his cheek as I stared at his eyes, waiting patiently.

"Okay. Okay. It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter," he chanted, trying to convince himself.

"Yeah, sugar. It doesn't." My other hand found his face as well without my permission, but I had never had enough control over my emotions as to stop myself.

"Skip first period with me?" he offered hopefully, leaning into my touch as I momentarily closed my eyes to consider.

"Just this once," I gave in, painfully aware of what I had told Eddie the day before.

•••

We sat in the forest, Billy's head lying on my lap as I fiddled with his hair, appreciating it more than ever now that I could see him again. For so long, the most I had seen of him was his silhouette sitting arrogantly in his Camaro, waiting for Max to leave my house in order to drive her home. That was all.

"So, how's Johnathan?" Billy asked lightly as he took a drag on his cigarette.

"You're really trying to make up with me, aren't you?" Considering the amount of time Billy had spent tormenting both me and my friend for our friendship was impressively terrible, I couldn't help being just a tad surprised as the past lay in very stark contrast to asking how he was.

"But I think he's okay. Well, as okay as one can be after that sort of thing happens to your little brother and family and shit," I confessed, snatching the cigarette from his hand and inhaling a breath of deviously calming smoke as well before returning it to his smug self.

"Yeah. I wouldn't mind if Max went missing for a few weeks-"

"Shut your fucking mouth," I snapped, frowning, not finding the insinuation funny at all.

"Okay, sorry, sorry. Didn't mean to upset you," he replied with his hands raised beside his head in surrender.

"It's not about me," I scoffed, hoping upon hope that I meant it. "Max is great, and you treat her like shit. That's what it's about."

He stayed silent, the grin fading from his face at my words as he stared into void air.

"Yeah. I do," he finally admitted, not so much guilt as nostalgia dominating his features. I could've screamed at seeing it. At the reason he had suffered so much. The reason Max had suffered so much. The reason I had. Susan had. Mr. fucking Hargrove.

Except it probably wasn't him. It was probably his father, or his mother, or maybe his aunt. Who knew these things. But that leaves one with the aggravating truth that the act can always be justified, and the culprit can never be served.

"Hey, speaking of blood relatives... How's your father treating you, love?" I asked carefully, stroking the side of his face gently as he closed his eyes.

"Cologne isn't the only make-up I have on. And damn, do I love when you call me that." I didn't answer that. No more than a 'cologne isn't make-up', at least. What was I supposed to say that I hadn't a million times already?

"And your mother?"

"Oh, she left. Max didn't tell you? That was years ago."

"No... I'm sorry," I breathed, but he just shook his head.

"No, I'd leave me, too, if I could. Who wouldn't?" Another way we were the same. And our mothers before that. All the same, sad, motherfucking story.

"That's not fair. You can't say that to me," I whispered, cradling his head in my hands protectively as I stared forward blindly, refusing to look at him.

"Guess not."

He sat up, sitting down next to me as his cologne washed over me in a new wave of serendipity. Too much for comfort.

"Hey, I still love you," he cooed, and the shift in his features was noticeable as he tweaked himself in just the right ways to charm more people. A more general population. Not me. I liked him just as he was.

He cupped my cheek and easily slipped his knee between my legs from the side, insinuating heavily, but I just stared on, empty of myself with a frown on my face.

"Look at me. Please." I did as he asked, but not because I obeyed him - because there was nowhere else I wanted to look anyway. Nothing worth seeing, or am I wrong?

He slowly leaned in, his knee digging further into me as his lips almost touched mine, but that was too far. Too much betrayal to be undone in an hour.

I turned my face away from him again, letting his kiss find my cheek gently instead. He was hurt, it seemed. Well, not as hurt as me.

"Did I even know you?" He wasn't angry. Or desperate. Nothings as primitive as that. He was sad and he was disappointed and he was guilty, but most of all, the doubt was taking the place off the last strands and sparks of hope he had had left.

At least I could say I felt far more guilty. Not that I could have named a single one of my resonating emotions in that specific moment.

"How could you have known me? I don't even know myself," I breathed, the very disbelief and anger I looked down upon sickering through my immature words. I sounded like I hadn't talked in weeks. I felt like someone was screaming into a microphone inside my head, banging against my skull to let them out but there was no door, or at least none I had a key to, and I swore I could hear a threatening buzzing sound. I swore.

"Or maybe that's just it. Maybe you knew me. Maybe it's only me. Maybe every accusation anyone has ever made and every therapist's diagnosis was right. Maybe I just don't wanna accept it. How would I know?" I didn't mean to snap at him. I really didn't. But I hadn't talked to anyone in years, and I suppose that was changing at a high volume.

"Well, have you ever thought... that maybe that's not exclusive? I don't know, but what if it's all true - every image, diagnosis, whatever - but it's just... not the full story? Maybe it's just that there's a whole lot more to you. You surprise me every time. So I guess there's always more. Right?"

Is he just as perfect as he was when I was 17?

And then I snapped out of it. My two lives; Dreamwalking and the anxious realist. Whatever did I prefer? My Piscean or my Aquarian?

Suddenly my fingernails were very interesting, the ones on my right hand picking at the others. The way my muscles moved as they did so. The dry, leaf-covered ground resting about a meter beneath them. They've gotten pretty long. I should cut them again soon.

"Raven?"

I had to look up at him, simply had to. His pretty blue eyes as pure as poetry. Hair falling beside his face like it had been painted with the swift and delicate turns of a painter's tool. Lips that seemed to beg to be kissed, if they could not be watched talking.

And yet I was the one who had just turned him down.

"Maybe," I whispered, suddenly not able to look him in the eye. "Maybe."

"I'm not proud of what I did, y'know. I'm not proud of what I do to Max either, no matter what I say. I just... I have nowhere to show emotion anymore. Nowhere to be me or just... talk without a million lies and charms to make sure the only thing anyone will ever hear from it is 'I wanna fuck you'. That's not- I hate it. I hate it. Not Max. I don't really hate Max. Who could hate Max?"

I smiled sadly, looking back at him, but I wasn't blind. I saw what he was doing.

"No- I, uh. Remember that night when, um, Neil beat me up so bad I was scared to go to school because there was no way to cover it up?"

I nodded intently.

"Yeah, well, when you climbed through my window and held me and used your magic make-up shit on me to make it all look like it wasn't there... I stopped hiding for the very first time in my life apart from with my mother when I was little. It felt really weird. But I never forgot it. But the next day, at school, I got over myself and talked to you no matter what my so-called 'friends' would think of it.

'When I did, you practically whisked me away to that field - y'know, that pretty one up on the hill?"

I nodded again.

"And we talked about all kinds of shit. From how our parents treated us to our favourite bands to fuckin' philosophy. And then we fucked under a tree, on a meadow, and I have never enjoyed sex as much as I did with you that day. Ever. And I still think you're not only the most beautiful girl I've ever met - by far - but also that you have the hottest figure-"

"Okay, I can do without that compliment, hon'", I laughed, and he laughed with me.

"Yeah, I remember", I repeated, stealing his cigarette once again to calm my nerves a bit. "But don't pull your 'you're the only girl who does that or this' crap on me. I'm not a fucking idiot, I know the tricks."

A moment of silence.

"Are you... Did you give up on dope?" he asked carefully. Nothing else other than the final fight had damaged our relationship as much.

I had to laugh. A hollow, dry laugh that I wished hadn't need be.

"Oh, yeah, I gave up on weed a long time ago," I told him with a sarcastic edge. I was still an addict. Just an addict with not enough money.

"Oh. So... I regret my actions, you're not a dope-head anymore... I'd say we're perfect for each other," Billy finalised, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and kissing me on the cheek.

"Hm, yeah, I dunno," I joked, teasingly putting a finger under his chin and leading his face to mine, allowing my lips to ghost his, pulling away and standing.

"Oh, you are still a tease, aren't you?" he squinted at me, disapproving yet smiling.

"Right? Crazy, huh."

"Yeah. Now c'mere, the least you can do is sit close to me."

"Billy Hargrove wants someone to intrude on his personal space?"

"Shut up."

"Sure thing."

2405 words

——————

Please comment or vote etc :) it makes my day and keeps me motivated

[diamcndgirl]

have you ever thought to yourself, “hmm, i love one direction and i love waltrp... i wonder what would happen if we gave every taken character a one direction song that reminds me of them??” well, don’t worry because even if it never crossed your mind because it did for me. i’m back once again with another silly little #waltmeme for you with songs by one direction or their solo albums that remind me of your characters. the choices can have something to do with a certain lyric, the title, or just the all around vibe it gives me that makes me think of them. don’t worry everything is under ‘read more’ and in alphabetical order-- or whatever order the taken list is in. p.s. not everyone has a blurb. but i still had a reason for everyone. if you really wanna know why just dm me and i'll give an explanation. love u mean it.

ALEJANDRO DIAZ - STOLE MY HEART / ONE DIRECTION

“you stole my heart with just one look” alejandro, my love, my heart. it’s clear the reason i chose this song is because it talks about having something stolen. but, you and your band of misfit criminal friends can steal my heart any day.

AURORA CAPULET - LITTLE THINGS / ONE DIRECTION

“i can’t let these little things slip out of my mouth” aurora you may be thinking.. this song talks about all my imperfections why would you pick such a thing? oh no! it’s not because i think you’re imperfect at all. it’s because i’m totally in love with all the little things that make you who you are.. and not to mention i couldn’t not give you a ballad. 

ANNA ARNADALR - HEY ANGEL / ONE DIRECTION

“hey angel do you ever try to come to the other side?” this whole song has anna vibes. anna, you’re an angel.. did you know that? well, angel… when you aren’t busy trying to fix your sisterly connection come to the other side and hang out with me.

BECKHAM TEAGUE - NICE TO MEET YA / NIALL

“i want your number tattooed on my arm in ink i swear.” the song, the lyrics, the vibe all just fits beckham’s personality very well. 

BENNET DOE - SWEET CREATURE / HARRY

“sweet creature running through the garden oh where nothing bothered us.”  sweet, soft, and lovely bennet.. sweet creature is one of my favorite songs in the world and it reminds me so much of you. i couldn’t pick a character better than you to give it to. 

BARLEY LIGHTFOOT - CANYON MOON / HARRY

“i keep thinking back to a time under the canyon moon.” lyrically this song doesn’t fit you, barley. not truly. but, aesthetically it reminds me of you very much. you’re adventurous and a little out there just like this harry styles tune. the bridge especially gives me a vibe of riding around in guinevere out on an adventure.

CASSANDRA JAGER - ONLY THE BRAVE / LOUIS

“tall stories on the page, short glories on the fade.” cassandra reminds me of strength and being brave (wink wink). and this song just reminds me of you, cass. though short it gives me a feeling like i can kick some ass. 

DANI DENNISON - THROUGH THE DARK / ONE DIRECTION

“oh i will carry you over fire and water for your love and i will hold you closer hope your heart is strong enough.” i love dani.. like really really love your sweet soul. she’s the cutest truly. just the sound and lyrics remind me so much of her and her heart to help the ones she cares about. 

DAPHNE BLAKE - LITTLE BLACK DRESS / ONE DIRECTION

“i wanna see the way you move for me, baby” clearly this song isn’t anything to write home about lyrically. but, when i hear this song i get all excited and ready to go take on the world. something about it makes me feel like i’m the hottest girl in the room and it should go to the hottest girl in the room.. which is you, daphne.

ELIZABETH MCQUEEN - WOMAN / HARRY 

“i hope you can see, the shape that I’m in while he’s touching your skin.” hi elizabeth.. this song is just hot. you’re just hot.. i really am jealous of monty and would take his place at any given moment if you let me.

ELSA ARNADALR - DON’T LET IT BREAK YOUR HEART / LOUIS

“don’t you let it kill you even when it hurts like hell. oh, whatever tears you apart don’t let it break your heart.” elsa, you’re truly the strongest girl i know. this song just radiates that energy of getting over what you’ve been through and not letting it break you down. 

EMILY LORELEYN - BLUE / ZAYN

“in the clouds where the angels sing. in your eyes, where i wanna be and her smile is all i see….. i need someone to love me blue.” emily is a goddess okay.. like she’s so beautiful and kindhearted. this song is so beautiful and then also the ‘love me blue’. reminds me of her origin and how she waited for love until she passed and turned blue. 

EUGENE FITZHERBERT - ONE WAY OR ANOTHER (TEENAGE KICKS) / ONE DIRECTION

“and when the lights are all out.. i’ll follow your bus downtown.” oh horace.. this whole song just fits you so well.. the teenage kicks mashup with the joan jett classic. it just embodies you so well. i don’t think i could’ve picked a better song for you. 

FLORIAN CHARMONT - NIGHT CHANGES / ONE DIRECTION

FRANCIS KYDD - SOMETHING GREAT / ONE DIRECTION

“come on, jump out at me. come on, bring everything. is it too much to ask for something great? the script was written and i could not change a thing. i want to rip it all to shreds and start again.” there isn’t a real lyrical reason i picked this song for you, francis. just something about it made me think of you. just gave me a feeling that it was theatrical enough for you, dear.

FRAN BERNOULLI - NO CONTROL / ONE DIRECTION

“i just can’t get enough of you the pedal’s down, my eyes are closed. no control” did i pick this song because you’re a race car driver and it made me giggle… yes, and because i haven an uncontrollable crush on you, fran. 

FRED FREDRICKSON - SAVE YOU TONIGHT / ONE DIRECTION

“i, i wanna save you. wanna save your heart tonight. he’ll only break ya. leave you torn apart inside.” fredzilla, my absolute favorite hero. i dedicate this to you. simple but effective.

FREDDY JONES - END OF THE DAY / ONE DIRECTION

GEORGIE FOXWORTH - SOUR DIESEL / ZAYN

GRACELYNN MOON - HAPPILY / ONE DIRECTION

this is my favorite one direction song, gracie and i’m giving it to you. so take care of it and understand that it’s upbeat sound reminds me of you and your cute behind.

HADES VASILIKAS - STOCKHOLM SYNDROME / ONE DIRECTION

you steal people. but if you stole me.. i’d fall in love. that’s all really.

HAVEN LEMOS - STEAL MY GIRL / ONE DIRECTION

HERCULES ZERVOUS - STRONG / ONE DIRECTION 

get it because you’re strong? hehe.

HOWL PENDRAGON - ILLUSION / ONE DIRECTION

IAN LIGHTFOOT - MAGIC / ONE DIRECTION

JACK FROST - LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW / LIAM

i’m sorry but i’m not sorry i chose this song for you, jack. feel free to hate me forever. 

JIM HAWKINS - WE MADE IT / LOUIS

KIARA SANTUCCI - NOBODY COMPARES / ONE DIRECTION

LILO PELEKAI -  SHE’S NOT AFRAID / ONE DIRECTION

LOGAN TEAGUE - TEENAGE DIRTBAG / ONE DIRECTION

LUCA PAGURO - SUMMER LOVE / ONE DIRECTION

MAEL CALCIFER - FIREPROOF / ONE DIRECTION

“i’m feeling something deep inside. hotter than a jet stream burning up.” i’d only want to be fireproof for you, mael. there is just something about you that wins my heart. i’d walk through fire for you.

MAVIS VADUVA - 

MEG DIMITRIOU - SHE / HARRY 

MOLLIE SILVER - KISS YOU / ONE DIRECTION

MONTY MCQUEEN - ROCK ME / ONE DIRECTION

“hit the pedal heavy metal, show me you care.” not only do i want you to rock me, monty. the only reason i chose this song is because i have a nascar inspired shirt for this and it reminds me of you. 

NALA OMITA - NEW ANGEL / NIALL HORAN

NUKA LEU - PILLOWTALK / ZAYN

ORION BARTHOLOMEW - KIWI / HARRY 

orion, are we sure you’ve never had a woman accuse you of being her baby daddy? either way, this songs vibe just makes sense for you, dear.

PENELOPE HAINLINE - GIRL ALMIGHTY / ONE DIRECTION

“she floats through the room on a big balloon. some say she’s such a fake that her love is made up.” penny, you are aware you’re the literal coolest girl in the world this song just proves it more. 

PHILIP CHARMONT - WOLVES / ONE DIRECTION

REAGAN CYMBELINE - SUNFLOWER VOL 6 / HARRY

“sunflower my eyes want you more than a melody.” reagan, besides the fact you’re a literal walking and talking sunflower there is just a sweet feeling i get when i hear this song and its the same feeling i get when i think of you. 

RITA HOLDEN - ONLY ANGEL / HARRY 

SADIE TEAGUE - KILL MY MIND / LOUIS

SIMBA SANTUCCI - TIO / ZAYN

SHAGGY ROGERS  - WHAT A FEELING / ONE DIRECTION

SOPHIE HATTER - ADORE YOU / HARRY

THACKERY BINX - SMALL TALK / NIALL

VITANI LEU - MIDNIGHT MEMORIES / ONE DIRECTION

“tell me that i’m wrong but i do what i please.” vitani, if anyone in elias is gonna say fuck you i’m doing what i want.. it’s you. 

VELMA DINKLEY  - BACK FOR YOU / ONE DIRECTION

VIDIA BELLEFONTE - SHE / ZAYN

WALLY AXIOM - PERFECT / ONE DIRECTION

WILL TURNER - LIKE I WOULD / ZAYN

[jajanvm-imbi]

The Two Princes Podcast Season 3 Reaction: Episode 7

RUPERT’S SOLO OSHSJWKHROWJQKHDW

YES NOAH GALVIN HIT THOSE HIGH NOTES

THIS SONG IS SO B E A U T I F U L IM S O B B I N G JAHWODHKQKQQLLDNKEIQMBDNW

Yay they’re back!!!!!

Percy’s first instinct was to warn Joan I love that

PERCY HUGGING JOAN AND JOAN HATING IT WAS AMAZING

👏 LET 👏 PERCY 👏 KISS 👏 A 👏 BOY 👏 2020 👏

We love Joan’s dad apologizing and being supportive 

“Don’t tell Rupy and Amir but I have not been paying attention” I LOVE CECILY SO MUCH SHE’S SO FUNNY

Cecily’s reaction to Joan finally asking her out was so cute and pure I love it

JOAN AND CECILY DOING THE “Shut up and kiss me” “I thought you’d never ask” MADE MY HEART MELT YESS GOOD FOR THEM

Barabbas and Chamberlin going on a date warms my heart

Chamberlin saying “Stranger things have certainly happened” in that tone kinda makes me uncomfy LIKE WHAT IS THAT IMPLYING???? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???? Like after finding those weird “romance” novels I’m kind of nervous about what Chamberlin meant by that line. Jesus

RUMIR OFFICIALLY ADOPTING WENCESLAUS ANKSFNDJFBAEOFJNESJFBNASOFSIG

WENCESLAUS GETS TO BE A PRINCE AND HIM BEING EXCITED ABOUT IT AFNCAEFN,ERGNSODGKJBESIOFJG\

THEY ARE NOW PARENTS OMG

Darling, sweetie, I love you, but thinking you were going to be executed is a bit dramatic

The fairy queen’s accent reminds me of Peppa Pig in a way idk why

 DARLING GETS TO GO HOME AND RULE HIS PEOPLE AGAIN YES LET HIM BE HAPPY 

“because I’m nICE” the fairy queen is highkey funny

“still wanna marry me?” “try and stop me” GOD THAT WAS SO CUTE I LOVE THEM

I’m gonna be honest, I am so disappointed with the wedding scene. I mean we’ve been anticipating this moment for so long and we only get like a 1 min scene. I was fully expecting them to sing their vows or something but nope, 1 min scene it is

However it was cute that they referenced the “micromanaging every little situation” and “overreacting to every little situation” from season 1. That was kinda cute

I’m sorry but I absolutely H A T E  the “Time to bring those big, beautiful lips over here, my love”. THAT MADE ME SO UNCOMFY WHO APPROVED THAT LINE AND WHY PLEASE STOP

I ALSO HATE THE “and I definitely can’t wait for tonight…” “oh yeah….” EXCHANGE BETWEEN RUPERT AND AMIR WHO THE FUCK GAVE THEM PERMISSION TO SAY THAT OMG STOP PLEASE I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PG FAMILY FRIENDLY I’M SO UNCOMFY

The last song was cute, and don’t get me wrong I think Noah Galvin and Ari’el Stachel are super talented BUT it felt like the song was recorded once and not given a second thought. Like they could have definitely sung that last song better, I’m sorry

[notagamersdey]

Thats Not Me

By Tyler Dey Ortiz

Rated T

A young woman struggles to find something to wear for a very important job interview.

Warning: Familial fat-phobia, self consciousness

I went shopping for something to wear to tonight’s party. I was at Factory-2-U debating on getting a pencil skirt with a nice blue blouse or a pink dress. However, I didn’t pick either, settling with a form-fitting, black long-sleeved dress that went a little over my knees and some random black flats. It was the most professional thing I could find. The thing was that I couldn’t find the dress in my size! Granted, I wear a size too big but that’s only because tight things make me feel uncomfortable. When I buy things that fit me “perfectly,” I feel the need to flex my stomach so tight that I’m usually sore in the morning. It's not because I’m super overweight or anything but I hate the way my body looks in my perfect size. It also didn’t help that this dress was meant to be snug. No matter, the point is to look professional, to show who I can be, so it’ll be worth it.

About the party tonight. It’s more of a dinner. A dinner with my, hopefully, future employer, Mr. Darcy. The whole point of the dinner is to present myself in a way that will make him think I’m well suited for the job. How did I get this opportunity? I presented my college research at the state conference this past semester and Mr. Darcy witnessed my hard work. I had been developing this new technique in nanotechnological engineering and everyone, I mean everyone who saw my work in progress said that it was unnecessary. No one had seen the bigger picture yet; however, Mr. Darcy did. He approached me after the presentation and told me about his new company. A company that I was meant for. Therefore, I went shopping for a new outfit - to present myself as the woman I wish to be.

It’s currently 3:00pm. Plenty of time to get ready. I first take a shower. It was hotter than usual today, so I spent a little extra time under the water trying to scrub the sun off my skin. After my shower, I go to my room and start to get ready. I was supposed to meet Mr. Darcy at this new fancy place over on Red Cross Avenue called The French Ocean. Anyways, so, I put the dress on and look down at my body. I'm around 5’5, thin but with a little too much around my stomach. The dress covered my chest up to my neck and covered my arms in a flattering way. When I sucked my stomach in, I could see the appeal of wearing such a dress. It brought out all the correct curves without looking too revealing. However, letting go, I remember why I never wore stuff like this in the first place. But, luckily, he won't see it over the table.

Now, I just needed the makeup. I’ll admit...I’ve never worn makeup before. The most I’ve worn is concealer but that was almost twelve years ago. The reason? Well, I just never got into it. I thought it was a waste of time. Watching my mother get up every morning and take hours in our only restroom was excruciating. However, tonight I must be perfect, so I caved. I don’t have any makeup at my house so I decided Walmart would be a good start. I went up and down the aisle, looking at all the different brands and colors that were offered. Some were more expensive than the clothes I bought; some were just right. But how do I choose? I pick up the phone and dial reinforcements.

“Mom?” I say once the phone is answered.

“Mija? Joan? How are you! What are you doing?” My mom begins in excitement.

“Ma, which goes first? The foundation or the concealer?” I put a bottle of concealer into my basket.

“Aye, Joan...” she sighs, “Come over... I don't trust you.”

“Well... then tell me what to buy-”

“Where are you?” I could hear rustling in the background.

“Walmart-”

“Aye no... definitely no, I have everything you need. Don’t buy that mierda,” she hangs up.

I rolled my eyes, put the foundation back and walked back to my car. As soon as I arrived at my mom's house, she attacked me with questions. “Who's the boy?” “Is this for a job?” “Aye, Mija, what color lipstick goes with your skin tone? Let's see! Come! Come!” She pushed me all the way upstairs and into a swivel chair that sat in front of a dirty mirror and desk. Makeup covered the desk from side to side. She had enough to start up her own business. Piles and piles that barely left enough room to see my face in the mirror. After looking at my mom's makeup collection, I caught sight of myself: brown fly-away hairs that framed my round head, white skin flushed from the heat of the sun, dry lips. I had light bags around my blue eyes. My eyebrows un-plucked, no false eyelashes or extensions, not that I’ve ever had them. Honestly, I don’t think I look bad without makeup, but I don’t think my mom agreed.

“Don't worry Mija, I’m going to make you look beautiful.” Mom presses her lips to my cheek, looking at me through the mirror. Suddenly, she whips me around in the swivel chair, pulling my eyes away from myself, “Alright, Joan, what comes first is not the concealer or the foundation but the moisturizer. It's important to keep your skin nice and smooth...”

My mom's voice bled into a low-pitched ambience. She began to apply the moisturizer. I can faintly hear her describe the steps. She said something about primer, whatever that was and then moved towards the foundation. I studied the bottle in her hands. It looked a bit dark. Mom did always like the tanned look but I’m not sure how well that would work on me.

“Don’t you think that’s too dark?”

My mom scoffs, “I have my methods, Mija, don’t worry. They will find you irresistible.” She begins applying. The liquid felt oily and sticky on my face.

“Ma, it’s a professional dinner, not a date. Please, don’t put too much.”

She begins to apply the concealer, which was followed by the powder. I move my hand to scratch my brow which my Mother immediately smacked down, “Don't touch my masterpiece,” she said. I groaned at her. The more she added, the more ridiculous I felt. I could feel the powder on every square inch of my face, sitting there, waiting to be rubbed off.

Suddenly, I remembered the time. It’s 5:01pm. “Ma, how much longer, I don't want to get stuck in traffic.”

She grabs the round tablet looking makeup and a thin brush, “Don’t worry about it, you'll be fine.” She does a few swoops on my cheeks and nose. God, I don’t know how much longer I can take it. “Next is my favorite part,” she sang, “Eye shadow!” She grabs a color palate and another brush. “Alright Joan, what color is the outfit?” I look down at what I’m wearing. My mom's eyes follow mine down the front of my body. “That? Joan, you look like chorizo in that dress!”

“Don't. Please...”

“I would lend you something, but I think it would all be a bit too small for you.”

“Yea... thanks, can we continue? I don’t have all day.”

“Why are you doing this anyway?” She asks, “You’ve never shown any interest before.”

She pulls my eye lid down and swoops the harsh brush upwards. My eyes water as she scolds at m, telling me to stop blinking, “I just want to be taken seriously.” She hums as a reply when my phone starts to buzz in my pocket. Without looking, I answer it.

“Joan? It’s Michael, Michael Darcy. I’ve got a table near the bar.” Oh Shit.

“Oh really?” I push up, my mom fusses, and I look at the time. 6:03. Shit, shit, shit. “I’ll be there as soon as I can, there’s a wreck on the freeway. Cars everywhere. I'm almost there though.”

“Oh... Don’t worry about it, take your time. I’ll be here. What would you like to drink?”

“Water, please! Thank you!” I hang up. I move quickly, “Thanks Ma! Got to go! Love you!”

“Wait! The setting-spray!” I was already out the door.

The restaurant is dark, red, with only low overhead lamps lighting each table. As I pass the entrance podium, I see a hand fly up at the corner of my eye. It was Mr. Darcy. He wore burgundy coat and pants, with a golden button-down shirt. His brown wavy hair was slightly combed back, his face clean shaven. He stands as I approach, extending his hand, giving me a firm shake. His forehead creased as he bore a slight frown. Great, great first impression, Joan… He shakes my hand once, sitting back down.

“I’m so sorry, I’m late Mr. Darcy, you would not believe the traffic.” I say, sitting across from him.

“No worries, Miss Joan, these things happen.” His voice was calm, professional. He straightens his back, grabbing the serviette and gently folding it onto his lap.

A waiter approaches, “What can I get you two?”

Mr. Darcy speaks first, “Yes… I’ll have the Meunière.”

The waiter turns to me, “I’ll have the same as he.” I have no idea what a Meunière was. I can feel the butterflies churning in my stomach. The overhead lamp, dim as it is, feels like the sun is just sitting on my face. I feel as though I’m melting. I wipe my face a bit, trying to stop the sweat building. Mr. Darcy’s face turns to a grimace.

Heat fills my cheeks, “Is something wrong?” I ask.

He blinks a few times and coughs, “No not at all... Um… Tell me a bit about yourself...”

“Well, uh...” what kind of question was that? What do I say? I feel my heart start to pound. “I like engineering...” I sound like an idiot. I feel like I'm suffocating. It's hot.

His eyebrows furrow, “Are you alright?”

“Yea,” I say as I stumble out of my seat, “Sorry, I’m just going to head to the loo...” The loo, out of everything I could say, I say the loo?? I rush towards the restroom and look in the mirror. I look horrendous. The makeup, foundation, concealer or whatever was too dark. The eye liner was so thick and bulky, I looked 10 years older than I was. The worst part though, was that I ruined it. I had wiped half my face off! Tears start to well. I tried so hard to be this perfect, professional woman, and instead I… I look like a pretender.

I take a deep breath. I go to the nearest stall and grab a wad of tissue paper. I look at myself in the mirror again. No... that’s not me.

It was hard to take off the makeup without the proper wipes, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I come back out. The edges of my forehead discolored. My face raw and damp. Mr. Darcy’s eyes widened at the sight of my face as I plop back into my seat, “What happened? Are you alright?”

“Yes... I just... I didn’t feel myself; I wasn’t being me...” I half smile, hoping he would understand.

He doesn’t do anything for a bit. I start to think that maybe I just ruined dinner when he stands, takes off his coat, ruffles his hair, and rolls his sleeves up. He sits back down, leaning against his chair, extending his legs to full length as he crosses his ankles, as if he was trying to lay down. His face brightens and his eyes crinkle as he grabs his wine glass, “Then, Ms. Joan...” he takes a sip, “who are you?”

[swordspells]

Thank u to the wonderful @sashacore for tagging me in this! We don't do these things enough anymore on tumblr and frankly we should bring them back x

Honey and lemon or milk and sugar: if this is about tea then im afraid I have to inform u I detest the hot leaf juice because I have the palette of a 5 year old

Musicals or plays: plays. I respect all the musical fans out there deep down, but I worked with a lot of btec drama students during my A-levels and I would commit many a sin to never hear a group rendition of "do you hear the people sing" evrt again thank you very much

Lemonade or unsweetened iced tea: lemonade because I like how it is always a carbonated lemon flavoured drink :)

Strawberries or raspberries: I chug strawberry milk like some kind of morally upstanding vampire chugs on alley rats. So strawberry

Winter or summer: summer but only because it is currently winter. Ask me again in july and I will say winter. I am fickle and stupid

Beaches or forests: trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees trees 🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳🌲🌳💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

Diners or cafés: went to a diner once in Florida. Cafés

Unicorns or dragons: dragons are beautiful little scaly men who I love So Dearly. Unicorns are weirdos who obsess over virginity and purity. Grow up. Dragons obviously

Gemstones or crystals: dunno exactly what the difference is but gemstones I think, they are pretty and good for throwing probably

Hummingbirds or owls: owls. Owls fuck

Fireworks or sparklers: sparklers make me feel like a fucked up and evil witch about to commit arson or maybe necromancy. Fireworks are pretty I guess but a sparkler holds power

Brunch or happy hour: I don't drink and desperately miss going to sit in the pub in a morning to meet friends for brunch :( so brunch

Sweet or sour: sweet because I have a crippling sugar addiction (dentists HATE her)

Rome or Amsterdam: never been to either but im an (aspiring) archaeologist and would sacrifice many a limb to be part of a dig in rome. Can you imagine??? Digging in the colosseum?? Uncovering a mosaic or some shit? Bucket list material

Classic or Modern art: not to be That Bitch but I just cannot appreciate modern art at all. Like im not gonna act like im above it or its not meaningful but like poetry I just dont have a brain that finds merit in more abstract stuff. Meanwhile I love classic art so much its so pretty and detailed. Know fuck all about it though so I am a mere normie looking at joan of arc and wishing she would marry me :(

Sushi or Ramen: ramen, did I mention I have the palette of a baby?? Sushi bad (also I might be allergic to fish lmao)

Sun or moon: I can't even look at the sun, so what's the point of it?? Also im a lesbian so like. Moon all the way babeyyy

Polka dots or stripes: I own too many things with stripes so I am obligated to side with them on this

Macarons or croissants: croissants are the one thing france got right (joan of arc isnt french shes lesbian x)

Glitter or matte: the femme in me says glitter and the goth in me says matte. I will settle with both

Degas or Seurat: had to google these old bitches. Degas I guess but I honestly dont feel much for either style

Aquariums or planetariums: at aquariums I get to see the silly little fish and maybe even touch a stingray. Call me when planetariums let me touch the planets thanks

Road trip or camping trip: I plan to do the journey to my parents' house entirely on foot one day, camping along the way. It's 70 miles away across the whole peak district, so it will be what you might call An Undertaking. Anyway this is to say camping

Colouring books or watercolour: I wish I could say watercolour but I suck at physical art and colouring books are very relaxing

Fairy lights or candles: fairy lights because I would likely cause a fire if I used candles more often and also I am a fairy (derogatory)

tagging

@passionatememes @wellshitmeariver @transssminecraftklungo @diondecarnate @slorpjuice

[nctsiren]

Thank you for turning on anon uwu for the ask game thingy can I ask these for all of the girls? daydreams, caress, ivory, golden, freckles, twilight, poppy, clouds, roses, lollipop, dimples, whisper, pencil, honey, velvet, strawberry, kiss, shampoo, lace, sapphos?

hewwo anon!!! thank u for requesting!! i’m sorry it’s late :(( hope you enjoy, nonetheless!! i enjoyed writing it 🥺

daydream-

hyeyoung: “i think i’ll say joan jett or debbie harry!! i admire them a lot, i love their music, and i think it’d be fun to be a rock singer.”

mila: “i think it’d be nice to be beetle. i’ve always wondered how his mind works. being a dog seems cool”

evie was answered in my other post!!

jimin: “seulgi unnie!! i’ve always wondered what it would feel like to be perfect ;)”

caress-

hyeyoung: “i love to snuggle... i like when johnny lays between my legs with his head on my chest. it makes me so happy.”

mila: “yes... but i play hard to get with some of the wayv members. i feel at ease cuddling with ten.”

evie was answered in my other post!!

jimin: “there are hundreds of youtube comps of me being snuggly and affectionate .. i just love my members”

ivory-

hyeyoung: “i wear matching sets. like the pants and the button up shirt? or the silk/satin shorts and matching tank tops. i love cute pajamas, i always have.”

mila: “i usually wear a sports bra and boxers or shorts.”

evie: “big shirt and my underwear.”

jimin: “usually a big hoodie and shorts!”

golden-

hyeyoung: “i cannot choose!! i own lots of stationary, and i scrapbook, as well.”

mila: “i’m not really a stationary person. just gimme some lined paper and i am all good.”

evie: “i love a good pen.”

jimin: “AHH i’m a sucker for the cute stationary cards. i like writing letters and notes”

freckles-

hyeyoung: “honestly, i have a pair of black cigarette pants that i love to pieces. i wear them often- they just go with everything and are so comfortable!”

mila: “i... honestly probably this hoodie i stole from lucas. it’s super big and comfy. if i don’t wear it at certain times i feel like something bad will happen ://“

evie: “i have this big, chunky grandpa sweater that’s striped and i wear it to the point where it might start falling apart.”

jimin: “it’s not really a clothing item, but i’ve worn the lily necklace chenle gave me every day since i got it. and my necklace that’s just my name, jimin, in cursive.”

twilight (this is their best friend outside of the other girls)-

hyeyoung: “i know it’s cheesy, but johnny, for obvious reasons... i’m also quite close to irene unnie, as well as jaehyun and taeyong. it’s hard for me to pick.”

mila: “ten.”

evie: “i legitimately cannot pick outside of the girls... maybe lucas... or yuta... or doyo... i don’t fucking know.”

jimin: “chenle- i’m stuck with him.”

poppy-

hyeyoung: “pink. i’m not even much of a pink girl, but pastel pink is lovely.”

mila: “is... pastel orange a thing? i see it in my mind, but i don’t know if anyone else can.”

evie: “green. green is my favorite color in general, all shades.”

jimin: “lavender and periwinkle are my favorite colors outside of grey and white.”

clouds-

hyeyoung: “it was me alone in a practice room, but the room had large windows in it and it was so light. i was dancing- there was no music playling, but i still was. i felt so happy, and i stopped after twirling because johnny had arrived and he just smiled at me with so much love in his eyes.”

mila: “i honestly don’t remember my dreams, but i remember how i felt during them?”

evie was answered in my other post!!

jimin: “all of my dreams are weird and i don’t have a favorite because they’re too bizarre to enjoy.”

roses-

hyeyoung: “red roses... my late grandma, who was the person i loved most in the world, loved red roses.”

mila: “i think... tulips.”

evie was answered in my other post!!

jimin: “lilies, but not because of my name. my loved ones give them to me because of my name, but i love them because i receive them from my loved ones LMAO”

lollipop-

hyeyoung: “lipstick is my favorite. nice reds and pinks. i never go dark with lipstick- only dark eye makeup.”

mila: “i love ALL makeup”

evie: “i kind of hate wearing makeup, but i guess i’d pick eyebrow stuff.”

jimin: “mascara and blush! i like the heavy blush look.”

dimples-

hyeyoung: “my favorite thing is when i see people’s eyes crinkle when they smile. smiles and lips- oh, lips- are so beautiful.”

mila: “i love the variety of expressions that people can show even in a matter of seconds. i love seeing the range of emotions and thoughts on people’s faces.”

evie: “i love noses. all noses. also, i think facial structures are so lovely and unique. everyone is different.”

jimin: “smiles and eyes. i think eyes are so, so beautiful. i’ve never met anyone with eyes that aren’t beautiful. and smiles are heavenly because seeing a person’s joy written on their face is priceless.”

whisper-

hyeyoung: “i usually get the amount you’re supposed to get. i tend to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. my alarm is santeria by sublime, like johnny’s...”

mila: “i have horrible, horrible insomnia and only get a very little amount.”

evie was answered on my other post!! ++ she also will sleep through ANYTHING even her alarms

jimin: “i either get too much or too little.”

pencil-

hyeyoung: “i bullet journal to plan, and i also write down the things that make me anxious during the day so that i can reflect and see what i could do next time to sooth myself more”

mila: “lined notebooks full of songs that i keep in a specific drawer. if i need to get out anything, it escapes my mind in a song”

evie: “my journals are 10% words, 90% drawings.”

jimin: “i have my song journals, but then i have my jimin journals which hold every intimate thought or emotion i have ever felt.”

honey-

hyeyoung: “baby or love. those are what johnny most commonly calls me. he likes to call me angel, too, and that really gets me :) .. we also call each other chipmunk.”

mila: “i used to hate being called lala, but now i love it. it’s also cute when evie calls me baozi, because i call her shumai. i also like bun.”

evie’s is answered on my other post!!

jimin: “uhh... baby, minmin (thanks, jisung), i like when people call me flower too 🥺”

velvet-

hyeyoung: “my first crush? i saw kurt cobain when i was little and thought he was the most handsome man i’d ever seen- i listened to a lot of nirvana growing up. a lot of people don’t expect me to like things like grunge or rock, but it’s very much my style!! im just shy and don’t dress to reflect it.”

mila: “i watched hercules when i was really little and became obsessed with meg. yup. it was the classic ‘i just thought i wanted to be her!’ but nope. gay.”

evie: “i don’t remember?! i think it was when i was in secondary school, because i didn’t like anyone for a while. just this classmate... and i was a cringe little fuck.”

jimin: “the first notable one i remember was when i was in second grade... i was reading twilight and fell in love with edward. yes, i was reading twilight in second grade, yes when i got to breaking dawn my mom didn’t let me read part of the honeymoon. i also had a crush on bella, and to this day, i would be in a throuple with robert pattinson and kristen stewart.”

strawberry-

hyeyoung: “cherries and strawberries, because they taste best covered in chocolate.”

mila: “mangos are so fucking good.”

evie: “grapes are arguably the best fruit and gumdrop grapes are arguably the best kind.”

jimin: “watermelon, bitchesssss”

kiss-

hyeyoung: “i mean, my first kiss was with a boy i was friends with when i was in america. we had both smoked a cigarette before it (i just wanted to try it) so it tasted bad. the other guys i kissed i weren’t proper friends with, and then johnny.”

mila: “um, ive kissed evie, like, when we were dating. i havent kissed many people to be honest...”

evie: “i kissed mila, i’ve kissed lily (a friendly peck), i’ve ALMOST kissed hyeyoung, i’ve kissed some of my guy friends and girl friends predebut- so, yes, i have kissed friends. and people who aren’t friends. i just like to kiss.”

jimin: “... sigh. renjun, chenle, evie, The Ex We Don’t Talk About, yeri (friendly, like with evie), and probably a few other friends in a non-romantic way? i dunno”

shampoo-

hyeyoung: “my favorite scent is johnny’s versace cologne, his shampoo, and his skin. definitely roses. i also love my perfume smell, clean linen, and i love the smell of champagne.”

mila: “i like the smell of cigarettes... YES i know it’s bad, but it calms me down. i’d also pick the smell of rain, or beetle, because he always smells good.”

evie: “the smell of paint and pencils is so comforting. i also like nature smells. when the air smells cold, it’s so nice. and the OCEAN.”

jimin: “home-y smells? laundry, and warm smells... lavender and florals, my perfume, and the smell of summer nights and bonfires. also any of my members.”

lace-

hyeyoung: definitely a dress person, is definitely in love with the classiness and sleeves of that first one, and is definitely happy about how sexy she looks in that second one.

mila: is NOT a dress person and prefers dresses that she can go braless with and are comfortable

evie: this is just Evie and we all know it

jimin: the first one is cute on it’s own AND with a big sweater/sweatshirt over it, and the second one make her feel like she on a european holiday

sapphos-

hyeyoung: “jiminnie :) she writes such beautiful poetry- i’m very thankful that she chose to share some with me!”

mila: “i don’t think i have a favorite poet, to be honest... i like kate bush, though, and i know she’s a singer, but she’s truly a poet.”

evie: “michael faudet. he wrote a series of poetry books, his first is called ‘dirty pretty things’ and it’s really 18+ but i thought it was gorgeous. i have all of his books.”

jimin: “asking me to pick a favorite poet is like asking me to pick a favorite member- can’t do it.”

[lehhoh7822]

I was going to do some more Sides appreciation, but then I got distracted and started looking at u!sides pages and now I feel like shite so I’ll just talk about Virgil for now. I’ll do the appreciation posts later.

Well. I mean. See above. Rant/actual discussion below the cut.

Everyone loves the villain. That was why people fell in love with Virgil from the start of S1. 

All of the characters were liked, they were all loveable, but Virgil was very popular because he was sassy, snarky, and a bit of an enigma.

Then of course, you had the people who never liked Virgil. Who recognised him as bad* from the start and took a dislike to him. That’s alright. 

People make more content (generally, unless they’re, say, unnecessarily anxious about people judging them because admitting they liked or making content of x character) about characters they like or popular characters. 

And then here’s the thing. We have this thing called character development. Which makes sense. Virgil may be a portrayal of anxiety, but overall, I think it’s best for everyone if they think of Virgil as a character first.

If you think of Virgil as anxiety first you open up the can of worms with how anxiety should be portrayed, how anxiety should be experienced- and that doesn’t go anywhere good unless you want to start trying rewire bits of your ideals.

So as a character Virgil is interesting. 

Firstly, we get to see the character arc from S1. Which I feel like you understand by now. You see the trust and etc forming. You get a nice moment. 

Then shit hits the fan pretty damn fast.

You have the fact that Virgil is mean. And Virgil is also a dork. Just to dramatically oversimplify it. And please, people, can you read my long post about one of the issues with SaSi? Please? 

Here’s the thing though. You can’t have Virgil be nice. Or else you would get people coming with the “He’s not being anxiety” or “He’s being a suck-up” or just anything we can think of. But if he’s mean, if he’s says cruel shit then... just go look at Virgil negativity or u!Virgil. Because, right now, in canon, he is a bit of a dick. But he isn’t completely cruel or manipulative. At least not from my perspective. He’s just mean and a bit of a dick. And someone should call him out. But- 

But then we have the issue of “Canon only focuses on Virgil” thing that people hate. People would jump on it and say that canon was focusing on Virgil again when it should focus on x character. And I think, I think personally that Thomas wanted to make Virgil less of a focus. But in order to do that he had to try to maintain a level of continuity with him in order for the content to seem like it makes sense. And the way they chose to do that was to try to maintain the growth him had in S1 and to factor in a bit of casual cruelty so it would seem like he was still fufilling his role as anxiety.

But I really don’t think they did it well.

Thomas and Joan stated that once anxiety’s acceptance arc was done they had plans for the future, new sides to introduce, etc. 

They didn’t, unlike some posts claim, mean to continue making Virgil the main character (as far as I can tell), they wanted to on on from it. All of it.

So after his arc, canon was supposed to take a new route, a new path. 

So why does it seem like it didn’t? 

I think- I think I might have the answer. 

It’s us. We fell in love with a character, and we continued to make fics and animatics and art works about said character, because he was really well-written in most of the fandom’s eyes. 

Canon might have stuff to do with Virgil, but, again, in my useless opinion, that’s only because they’re trying to ensure continuity. They also know that people still do like Virgil and try to use him as a safe-guard (that’s how I’m explaining his grand reveal in DWIT) against losing more fans, considering how many they’ve already lost to the mcyt (Nothing against those guys, or anyone who’s packed up and left) and other fandoms with the wait period and all.

But- This isn’t working. 

Because Virgil fans continue to make content with him and it’s so easy to write angst or hurt-comfort with him. And then, this content amasses with the content made previously for Virgil. And then people see it and say that.. anything about the content instead of the character on the u!Virgil or virgil negativity page. 

And then we also make content that demonises medication (Wow fandom, I’m so proud of you. You’re so mature.) which is just fucking great.

And then we also make stuff that makes Virgil a soft uwu boi and people who disagree with that go (look, can you guys tell that I feel sad from going through so much u!sides shit and I know I can back out at any time, but my wish to understand is more powerful- so, now I want you guys to feel crummy with me and that’s why I keep telling you to look at it.) literally a lot of posts on the u!Virgil page. 

And then when people react poorly to either content (if you react poorly to the soft content then you will lose a lot of followers and if you react poorly to the u! content then you’re a toxic Virgil simp) it doesn’t end well. 

I feel like, if we face canon Virgil, sure, he might suck a little bit, but he’s okay. He might need a bit of a “Hey. Shut up. And put in an effort to be nicer. We value you, but we also do need you to try to be nice to us.” And it doesn’t have to be much. All you have to do is have him apologise and accept it and come back with slightly less jabs, or nicer jabs. 

The creators had a really hard job to do with moving the plot forward. As a series that couldn’t rush it too much in terms of ideas because (please just go read my long post on the flaw) of the issues the series has in displaying the issues it attempts to cover. They couldn’t overwhelm their audience, move on too quickly or anything. No matter what they did, I can’t think of a way to plausibly end it in a clean, satisfying swipe.

So. Overall, our issue is we make content and then we make canon Virgil the bad guy. And I’m not saying he hasn’t ever done anything, but from my (obscured and weird) vantage point, that what it looks like.

I love Virgil. As a character I found him awesome. And I could see that, yes, he wasn’t great, but I also did enough deep looking to see why. 

We are the issue. We make up scenarios and we twist canon to fit what we like. Which is fine and great, I’m not saying that people should stop, but, it means that there cannot be a Virgil that is likeable. 

This doesn’t make sense. 

Whatever.

(Hey @imma-potatoo I hope you wanted me to tag you on my Headcannon series where I do this sorta stuff because that’s what I’m doing.

(*: Well, technically for the people who have been anti-virgil since the beginning of time I assume they thought/think he is bad or at least some form of bad.)

[yourdeepestfathoms]

Alice of Human Sacrifice

[Tour]

title has absolutely nothing to do with the fic, i just listened to the song again and thought it sounded cool

Tw: Suicidal thoughts, skin picking

———————

Howard found her collapsed on the ground, face-down, like the dead bodies in those forensic shows Bessie liked to watch. She was bent in the way the bodies usually were, too, with her arms crooked and elbows pointing out, and her knees at an awkward angle. And, also like those bodies, she wasn’t moving at all.

She could leave. Howard has just come back into the theater for the book she had forgotten. She could leave and pretend she hadn’t seen anything. This was not her problem.

And yet, she was stepping forward from the hallway and into the cluttered dressing room.

She kept telling her, what if this was her on the floor? She would want someone to help her. She wouldn’t want to be left all alone with whatever ailment had caused her to blackout in the first place.

“Joan?” She called out.

The girl on the floor didn’t budge.

Howard crouched down next to her and gently nudged her arm.

“Joan. Are you there? Can you hear me?”

Nothing.

Howard pursed her lips. Carefully, she rolled Joan onto her back.

Joan wasn’t as filled out as she used to be. Even in her past life, Joan was thin, but at least her face wasn’t as lean as it was now, with sharp jawbones and deep hollows under her eyes. She looked so frail, sickly even, as Anne had once said. While unconscious, that comment seemed so much more accurate.

Joan did look ill. She was paler than usual, making the bags under her eyes and the flush on her nose and cheeks appear even darker. A slight fever was lit beneath her skin when Howard felt her forehead.

That contact was what finally roused her.

“Joan?” Howard peered down at the icy blue eyes peeking out from behind fluttering eyelids. “Joan, it’s Katherine. Are you alright?”

Joan mumbled something incomprehensible. Her head lolled across the ground as she blearily stared up at the ceiling. She still didn’t appear all that there.

“Joan.” Howard shook her slightly. “Come on, Joan. Wake up.”

“...c-can’t...”

It was such a weak, pathetic reply that Howard couldn’t even muster up the effort to be annoyed. The girl below her was just so damn pitiful. She couldn’t snap at her when she was being looked at with those big, dumb eyes.

“I-I’m sorry...” Joan croaked.

Her eyes then rolled to the back of her head and she once again fell into a pit of unconsciousness.

 Just leave her. A crueler, more repressed side of Howard whispered. She isn’t your problem.

She hates how she considers it. But it was true. As pitiful as she was, Joan wasn’t anyone close to her. She didn’t care about her like she cared about the other queens or Bessie. She wasn’t anyone’s special to her.

So why was she picking Joan up? Why was she carrying her to her car and carefully putting her in the back seat? Why was she putting herself through the hassle of going to the hospital? And why did she care?

———

Hiding her problems from the others was easier than she expected it to be.

She thinks, as some point, that they did their best to make her feel included and a part of the group, but they’ve given up since then. They’ve marked her as a lost cause and have moved on. And Joan doesn’t blame them.

She was falling deeper and deeper into depression as the days went by.

She can’t remember when it started, she just knows it came about from lack of attention and lack of love and lack of friendship and lack of everything. And that was pathetic.

Above all else, she seeked the approval of others. Why couldn’t she function without it? Why has she turned into such a mess?

What’s happening to her?

She stopped eating awhile ago. The hunger pains are awful, but at least nobody paid enough attention to her to hear the desperate growls of her stomach. Sleep went next, and then speaking to others, and then water.

On top of depriving her body of all of its basic needs, she’s taken to overworking herself after practice or shows were over. She’d tell everyone that she’s just staying to work on new songs or mixes, and it’s not like they think much of it or care, but she’s constantly pushing herself to the point where she can’t breathe during a simple rehearsal of No Way.

(Let’s see if you can hold your breath for the entirety of All You Wanna Do, Her mind will sometimes whisper.)

Another nasty habit that had come back was her skin picking. Picking wasn’t an act of needing attention, like she knew she would be accused of if people found out, it was more of an act to get adrenaline, to escape the constant pain and anxiety that thrummed through her body on the daily. Letting her fingernails carve off pieces of her skin, scratching away the dead, bad parts of her, deeper and deeper each time, just released the most amazing endorphins that she couldn’t even begin to explain. It was like she was floating. And it was the only thing that made her slightly happy anymore, as disgusting as that may have seemed.

She soon created a ritual for herself. After working her body to almost complete fatigue, she would stand in front of her mirror, take off her shirt, and stare at her body. She would name the few things that she had started to like in her head then list all of the bad things she needed to get rid of.

Disgusting.

Freak.

Outcast.

Pathetic.

Words would swim through her head, blinding her by the intensity of the emotion in those words. These were words that she saw some fans write on posts she would make, whether they be piano covers or, more embarrassingly, song covers. Those always got the most backlash- “u sound like shit” “why are you even trying? You’ll never be as good as the queens” “Are you trying to one-up the queens?” “Why are you singing Katherine’s song? That’s so rude!! It’s not about you!! You’re awful!” “my ears are bleeding!!!!”- and everything that was said piled up in her head, even after she frantically deleted the posts.

It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate the positive comments when they came about, they brought tears to her eyes by the sincerity in them. But those dozens of people who hated her... She just couldn’t take it. It’s helped drive her down a terrible path of destruction that she can’t seem to get off. All she ever wanted was to prove to the queens and other ladies that she was worthy of their attention, their love, their praises. But now she’s turned herself into some self destructive freak that will never, ever be loved.

Still, she wonders why someone is touching her. And carrying her.

She can feel their arms supporting her and she leaned into their warmth. She wanted to call out to them, to thank them, to beg them to never let her go, but she can’t speak and blackness is starting to encompass the little vision she has left...

———

Howard doesn’t know how long she waits in the lobby of the A and E, but it’s definitely long enough for the man sitting to her far left to stop bleeding from the large gash on his arm and consider just leaving. He doesn’t, although Howard can see her weigh out the options in his eyes.

There’s other people in pretty rough shape in there- a sick young man in the corner looking like he regretted every decision he’s ever made in his entire life; a teenager who /didn’t/ regret every decision he’s ever made in his entire life, but definitely wished he didn’t go with a stick-and-poke method of getting a tattoo; a quiet-looking girl who stared at the white walls around her with wide eyes and also had her right arm horribly limp at her side; someone whose jaw was unhinged like a snake...there were enough characters in this place to make an entire circus.

Eventually, she was called, so she scooped Joan up from where she had her slumped in the chair beside her and followed the nurse into the back. Then, after Joan is set up in one of the rooms, it’s back to waiting.

She was /really/ starting to wish she had just left Joan. This was ridiculous!

A buzz snapped Howard out of her trance. She blinked and squinted at her phone, which she had been mindlessly scrolling through, and saw that she had gotten a text from Anne on the group chat they were in with the other queens.

Anne: where r u?

She had completely forgotten to tell the others about her impromptu caretaker status.

Katherine: Passcode question: What’s my favourite drink?

What? She may as well TRY to entertain herself while she’s sitting here rotting away.

Anne: come on, kit, i gave u the code this morning. i don’t think the answer has changed in the twelve hours since we spoke.

Anna: is this just a thing you two do???? i’ve never gotten a passcode before

Katherine: Passcode question: What’s my favourite drink?

Anne: fine!

Anne: raspberry tea with lemon

Anne: happy?

Katherine: Very.

Katherine: I’m at the A and E.

Anne: WHAT

Aragon: What happened?

Jane: Are you alright?!

Anna: woah woah woah are you okay?!?!

Cathy: Are you okay?

Anne: KAT ANSWER US NOW

Howard smiled to herself. It was nice to have people that cared so much about her.

Katherine: Calm down, I’m fine! I just had to take Joan and now I have to stay here until she’s done being examined or something. I found her collapsed on the floor.

There was a momentary pause from all parties.

Aragon: Oh dear.

Jane: Poor Kitty. Having to stay in such a place for so long. Hopefully you can leave soon!

Anna: oh that kinda sucks. having to stay awhile. they take FOREVER.

Anne: what if i came and picked u up? i can smuggle u out so u don’t have to stay!!

Howard blinked. How weird. None of them seemed to be worried about Joan at all.

Katherine: What about Joan?

Anne: what about her?

She toiled over the option in her head- finally going home would be nice. She was quite hungry and had been looking forward to the weekly movie night that night. It was her turn to pick!

But she couldn’t leave. She had already given the hospital all her information, so they’d probably find a way to drag her back. And she couldn’t leave Joan.

Katherine: As much as I want to, I can’t.

Anne: hm. suit urself.

It was at that moment when Howard’s name was called. She tucked her phone away and got up to meet the nurse standing at the back doorway.

“Joan is stable,” The nurse explained after they took a peek into the room the music director was being kept in. Joan somehow looked even more vulnerable in a hospital bed, caught in a tangle of wires and tubes. “We have her on fluids right now so she’ll get rehydrated. She’ll be able to leave soon.”

Howard nodded, her heart leaping with relief. However, it was stamped back down when the nurse went on speaking.

“But she will need to be taken home and watched over.” The nurse said. She looked Howard up and down. “You said you were a coworker, yes? Do you know if any of her family members are willing to come get her?”

“Oh, uhh...” Howard had no idea how to explain that she and Joan both were actually reincarnated beings from the 1500s and not just some people who happen to have the same names as the past queen of England and a lady in waiting. “It’s not really the best situation...”

“Ah,” The nurse nodded, seemingly buying the excuse, which wasn’t exactly a lie. “I see. Well, does she have any friends?”

Howard struggled not to grimace, but the nurse seemed to notice.

“What about you? Can you take her?”

“Me?” Howard blinked. “Well-“

“She won’t be able to leave until someone picks her up,” The nurse continued. “We’ll have to keep her here until we know someone can watch over her for a few days.”

Howard bit her lip. If the nurse was trying to guilt her into taking care of Joan, then it was definitely working.

She sighed. “Alright. I’ll do it.”

———

Joan’s apartment was exactly what Howard was expecting- bare, cold, and empty, aside from all the necessities. There were no potted plants or decorations or photos. The walls were just plain cream against regular pieces of furniture. Dreary grey and ugly brown and plain white splattered the flat, which almost seemed more like a cell.

No wonder Joan was so miserable.

“W-well, umm...” Joan looked very anxious- it’s the only expression that’s been on her face since she woke up in the hospital. “I-I could- y-you- umm...”

It was so sad. How could someone be so nervous all the time? Surely it wasn’t healthy.

“Just sit down, dear,” Howard pressed Joan down onto the couch. “I’m going to take care of you, so there’s no need to stress yourself out.”

“There’s every reason to be stressed,” Joan mumbled, worriedly wringing her hands in her shirt. “I— I should make you something to eat!”

She’s on her feet in an instant, instantly wobbling treacherously on her weak legs. Howard lunged out and steadied her.

“Woah there!” She said. “Joan, take it easy. You’re not well.”

“But you need to eat,” Joan reprimanded. “A-and so do I...”

“Then I’ll cook for you.”

“N-no,” Joan whispered softly. “No, Katherine, p-please- I need to do this. I need to be useful.”

Howard frowned, then sighed. “Alright.”

They soon got to work. As they did so, Howard noticed Joan loosen up a little. Despite the girl looking completely exhausted, she seemed to be slightly more happy than she was before, relaxed with the presence of another person.

“So...” Howard started awkwardly. She didn’t know what to talk about with this girl. “How have you, uhh...been?”

“Fins... WELL.”

Words more or less began to fly from Joan’s mouth like uncovered popcorn on a hot surface. It seemed like she had been bottling up a lot, or maybe she was just afraid of not getting to talk fully if she didn’t speak fast enough.

Poor kid, Howard thought, She must be so lonely.

“Yesterday was shit.” Joan spit, and Howard was slightly stunned to hear the usually very timid and quiet girl swear, “I fucked up another thing at work because I’ve been so drowsy and the stage manager said it was okay pretty much only because he understood that this was a—“ She paused to do air quotes with her fingers. “—‘rough time' for me. And I thought that was literally the stupidest understatement I've ever heard so I was thinking about it all day and getting really mad and then, like, out of nowhere I thought, dude, it IS a fucking rough time for me, and I decided to do something nice and fun and go out and buy groceries like my—“ She paused again to do quotation marks again, although, this time, it made the statement being quoted a little more sketchy, “—‘therapist’ said I should, but then I accidentally told the cashier that I loved her instead of saying thank you and now I’m never going back there ever again, and than I started thinking about THAT all day and then, well— I guess I passed out? Because you found me...and helped me... Oh, thanks, by the way! I, ahh, honestly thought you would have left me. But you didn’t! So yay! Thank you! Also, do you like oatmeal?”

Everything came at Howard so fast her mind had to scramble to process everything.

The first thing that registered in her mind, however, was Joan’s final comment- about her not leaving her. A feeling of guilt welled up inside of her.

But then Joan flashed a rare grin at her and she couldn’t help but smile as well.

In stark contrast to the (relatively) sharply-dressed girl the woman met a year ago, Joan was dressed in baggy sweatpants and an even baggier shirt with the words “Trust me, I’m a doctor” and a picture of a plague doctor on it, which has been the clothes she had found her unconscious in. The head poking out at the top had hair that was sticking out in all directions. It made her look smaller and lankier than she was. Younger, too. Sometimes Howard had a hard time believing she was college aged.

The sight made Howard’s heart ache in realization because it was a reminder of how unfair everything she’d gone through was. It wasn’t until that moment that she really remembered that Joan had watched her die.

“That’s a lot,” Howard finally said, then glanced over at the pot bubbling on the stove. “So...oatmeal?”

“Aaaaand cinnamon toast!”

“You’ve got everything sorted out, huh?”

“Pretty sure,” Joan said, “I’ve, umm...kinda been thinking about what I’d want to eat if friends were ever over.” She blushed shyly, messing with the hem of her shirt.

Once again, Howard’s heart ached.

How long has this girl been alone...?

“Wanna help with the toast?”

“Y’know, I make a pretty mean cinnamon toast.”

A crooked grin replaced the plaintive look Joan had been wearing, and she turned around to pick up a loaf of bread. “You know I’m not gonna believe that until I taste it, right?”

“Heh. Guess I’d better back up the claim, then.”

Joan beamed magnanimously and handed Howard the loaf, which she set down on a nearby cutting board. With a rumbly clearing of the throat, Howard pushed her sleeves up and rubbed her hands together.

“Alright. Melt a little butter in the microwave and grab that cinnamon I see over there. If I’m gonna make this bread, I’m gonna do it right.”

“Yes ma’am!”

They set to work with a bustle as Howard cut the bread and Joan retrieved the necessary ingredients and dropped them on the counter next to her, pausing every so often to check on the oatmeal bubbling on the stove.

“Hey, you mind if I unmute the TV or put on some music or something? I need some background noise.” Joan said after a while, nodding in the direction of the radio on the counter and then glancing momentarily at the TV.

“Sure,” Howard said, “Just keep it down so we don’t disturb the neighbors. And none of that skippity-bop or whatever it is you kids listen to. I don’t have the stomach for that.”

She was teasing Joan by acting older than she actually was, and the sickened look the girl gave her was completely worth it. Howard bursted into laughter.

“It’s called hip hop , Howard. God. I know you aren’t THAT old! What are you, twenty-two?”

“You are now my new favorite.”

Joan beamed at that then padded over to the radio. She began tuning it to different kinds of music stations until a thumping electric beat started to pulse in the air.

“You want the neighbors to think you’re holding a dance party or something?”

“Maybe I do!”

Howard chuckled. “Can you grab a tray I can stick these on?”

“Yeah!”

Joan bent down to retrieve a baking tray from the clutter of pans in a lower drawer, and by the time she’d straightened up, she already had another idea.

“Oh man! You know what’d be great? I have about five billion kinds of lettuce in the fridge because I was dumb and went shopping while I was hungry the other day. We should have a salad! Caesar! With croutons and crap!”

“You can leave the crap off of mine, thanks.”

“You know what I mean,” Joan hissed playfully. “Here’s the tray. I’ll go start watching the lettuce!”

Joan threw open the fridge and leaned in, gathering armfuls of vegetables. Howard watched this with a fond shake of the head before returning to her own task. It sent a pang through her chest, brushing the butter and sugar and cinnamon across the fluffy bread like she vaguely had all those centuries ago, before her life turned into a spiral of unwanted sex and grabbing hands and unreceived loads of semen...but it wasn’t so bad. Being in a bright kitchen and listening to music she’d never willingly put on of her own volition was miles better than trying to do the same thing in her own one. She had the queens now, too. She wasn’t alone. And, with Joan around and doing this with her...Howard felt like a mother.

A timer buzzed and she sidled over herself, seeing as Joan was already occupied. When she stood straight again after sliding the pan of bread into its place, she wiped the sweat from her brow and looked back over to her young chef companion— only to find her rocking and head-bobbing in place as she shredded lettuce with her bare hands, tossing it into the bowl in time to the punchy music on the radio. Howard found herself shaking her head again, this time in amusement.

“Glad you’re happier than you were when we first got here.”

(It wasn’t just when she found her- Joan always looked like she had been hit by a truck with acid wheels, her remains were burned by a flamethrower, and then she was poorly put back together.)

“Mm,” Joan replied distractedly, snapping her fingers jauntily to the tune. “I'm not, actually. I’m just kinda faking it ‘till I make it. You know?”

“Oh,” Said Howard, suddenly feeling very worried. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“S’okay. Means I’m doing it right.”

Before Howard had a chance to ask if she was okay with her Mummy Voice, as Bessie has dubbed it, the song on the radio changed and Joan’s eyes lit up.

“Oh man! I love this song!”

She flung the last of the lettuce leaves into the bowl and started to dance even more enthusiastically (and goofily), pumping her fists in the air.

“Wait, don’t tell me this is-“

“It’s Smash Mouth! The ballad of the 90s! Shrek’s theme song! You’ve seen Shrek, Bessie said she made you watch it with her last month. C’mon, dance with me!"

The worry quickly became a mixture of exasperation and amusement.

“Joan, I don’t think-”

“Come on! You dance all the time in the show! And you don’t have to break a hip or anything, just move around a little! It’s impossible to be completely bummed when you’re dancing.”

Howard closed her eyes and sighed deeply. Then started to slowly step side to side.

“—Aw man, NO. Is that the Carlton? NO.”

“Hey, you whelp, don't make fun. There is NOTHING wrong with the Carlton."

“NOPE. Not allowed! Jazz it up a lil!”

Finally succumbing to deep laughter, the queen found herself picking up her feet and turning in place. And, as an afterthought, even threw in some jazz hands.

After all, what could it hurt?

[nightspeckle]

High School Au {Part 3}

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 4

this one is like sorta long-ish? (for me lol, in actuality its like super short) and it’s trash so my b 

******

Here’s the thing. Working with Cardan was actually pretty good. I never thought I would ever think that and yet here I am. I’m pretty sure my delusions are growing but that's not really the point. 

The point is that the kid knows his shit. I mean really knows his shit. 

Noggle gave us Scipio Africanus’ Tactics which was an adventure in itself. Cardan had just looked at me with a toned-down version of his death stare and asked me if we wanted to break up the work. 

It was that simple. We made a combined slideshow that took about 20 minutes in total with each of us splitting the research. I was looking over the slides and when I got to his I think my brain imploded.

They were extremely detailed, more so even than mine and he had been on his phone half of the time. I mean even the sentences sounded smart.  He used the word consternation. I mean what does that even mean? Not that I was about to ask. 

Noggle basically pushed us out early when he saw how good our slides were considering this was just a club and so he shoved us out with a big smile. 

So in all working with Cardan wasn’t terrible. I barely even noticed how clear his skin looked from close up! So progress for me. 

But now as we currently exit out the east side doors to the parking lot I can’t help but notice how he seems to glow in the sunlight. Or the fact that something about him just feels ethereal at this moment. 

So I book it. Walking as fast as I possibly can to the back of the parking lot. 

I’m so focused and hightailing it away from the beauty that is Cardan that I don’t realize anything is amiss until I’m standing in an empty parking spot. 

I do a little 360 standing in the place where the car is supposed to be.

Fuck.

I should be surprised, or even concerned that my car is missing. But I’m not. 

Three sisters and two cars is not a perfect equation. I check my phone to see if I missed anything in the group chat. 

Viv: I’m taking Carol to work

Taryn: I thought we agreed on Joan? 

Vivi Yeah but saying I’m taking Joan makes me feel like a 40 year old mom who drives a minivan

Taryn: And Carol doesn't give you the same vibes?

Viv: Nah, Crackhead Carol is wildddddd 

Taryn: I hate you.

Taryn: I’m taking Olie to the mall, Jude can you catch the bus?

Viv: I can not believe that you give me shit for Carol and then named our beautiful baby after Oliver Wood.

Taryn: Excuse me? Oliver Wood is the god of the century

Viv: Bitch can't beat Luna

Taryn: You would

Taryn: Do we think Jude will even see this or am I gonna have to go back to pick her up

Viv: She’s probably to busy dreaming nasty thoughts about her ghosty boy and his little ghost

Taryn: Let's not start on this again pls

Viv: I’ll be home at 9 don’t die in the meantime xx

First of all, Shit. 

Second, I’m going to strangle Vivi with my bare hands. Garrett and I are friends and it's actually starting to piss me off.  

Third, how the fuck do they expect me to get Oak with no car? Fucking idiots.

Jude: Which one of you dumbos is gonna get Oak?

Viv: Workingggggggg

Taryn: I’m 45 minutes away... so like u

Jude: I am wishing death upon your souls :)

I look at my watch to see It’s already three. Shit. 

What am I going to do? Walk? I can’t call Orianna or Dad. I am not in the mood to face Oriannas snarky comments or Dad’s lectures about responsibility.

So that leaves walking. Or more like running. I am so going to be late.

But as I’m dashing across the parking lot I almost get run over by a black Porsche Cayenne.

 Which p.s. is one sexy ass car. 

Usually, I might stop to give the driver an earful about how running over pedestrians is not the vibe. But I have 15 minutes to get to Oak’s school which is like 20 minutes on foot.

I start walking again when I hear the car's window roll down and a voice from the driver's seat.

It’s Cardan.

Of course.

I’m waiting for a comment about idiotically walking behind moving cars but it doesn’t come. Or for him to unleash the snide comments he has been holding back all afternoon. However, what does come out is even worse.

“Do you need a ride?”

....

I’m staring at him through his open window. I’m about two feet from the driver's door and Cardan is tapping his fingers methodically on the door.

He doesn’t look very menacing. His eyes are flickering over my face and he raises an eyebrow up at me. 

“Well?” He asks probingly. I’m all too aware of what this means. The dude who terrorized my childhood is reaching out an olive branch. 

There’s a part of me that wants to turn and walk away from his cruel glares and the comments he used to spit at me and Taryn. But I really could use a ride. 

Plus, he looks extremely hot with one of his hands on the wheel which is like an added bonus.

“Yeah, I do.” He seems a little surprised that I said yes. I watch as a small smirk graces his face. Damn. 

He nods his head to the passenger side and I walk around the car and slide into the seat. Just FYI these seats are comfortable as shit. 

I look over at Cardan as he starts to back up. Which is a terrible idea. He looks so laid back and comfortable. He looks like he fits here and his face is blank of that awful sneer he seems to have on every day at school. 

It makes me despise him a little less. I should have walked. 

“Can you drop me off at Elfame Elementary?” 

He looks over at me quizically. “Yeah.” A pause. “Why do you need to go there?”

“I need to pick up my little brother,”. 

“Is that why you were running around the parking lot like a headless chicken?”. He looks amused as he says this.

“I was not running around like a headless chicken.” My voice is a little cold as I speak. His face goes a little more stonelike at my tone. 

Jude! Wtf, this guy is giving you a ride. Pull it together!

“My sisters took the cars and left me stranded,” I attempt a little more warmly. “So thank you.”

His face twists a little surprised at the thank you. Mind kind of does too. Me saying thank you to the kid who poured milk all over me on picture day for years throughout elementary school.

Cardan doesn’t say anything else as we drive to Oak’s school. He just turns on some music and drives. It’s actually kind of nice being able to watch the vibrant green trees go zooming by. 

Before I know it Cardan is pulling into the parking lot of the elementary school.

A little bit of me is disappointed it's over so soon. I actually feel a little peaceful.

I look down at my watch to see it’s 3:10. Perfect! 

“Thanks, Cardan, truly this was life-saving,” I reach over to the handle about to push the door open when I look back to see an expression on Cardan's face that matches my own.

“How are you going to get home after?” Cardan’s voice is soft as he asks.

“I was going to walk to Ralph’s, Viv has one of the cars with her,”.

“That's like a mile away,” Cardan says laughing a little as he does.

“Don’t really have any other options here buddy,”

“Buddy?” He looks offended. As if the word is a personal assault to his well being. I can’t help but roll my eyes. To which he notices and roll’s his eyes back at me.

“I can drive you and your brother home. If you want?”.

Yes. I do want. But I’m not really in the mood to owe Cardan anything and this feels like a favor a little too out of his way. Why is he helping me out?

So no?

But I’m also not in the mood for the complaining Oak will give me for walking in this sweltering heat. 

“Uh, yeah. Thanks.” Then I shut the door and head into the school.

....

Oak is looking up at me with a puzzled look on his face.

“I thought Viv was going to get me today?”

“Sorry, bud. She had to work.” He just shrugs. “Does that mean shell bring me back a milkshake!” He’s popping up on his toes almost jumping in joy. I just stifle a laugh and shake his hair up.

“Where did you park Olie?” Oak is looking around quizically trying to spot the black jeep named after the quidditch legend himself. When he cant spot Ollie Oak turns to look at me with a full face of disappointment. “Did you drive Crackhead Carol?”

The dad who walks by as he gives me a wide eyed look before shuffling his kids along in the opposite direction. I can’t help roll my eyes even though Vivi isn’t even here. 

Oak is still looking at me in despair. He hates Crackhead Carol. Says that it’s scary driving in it. Which is not true. The only reason he hates Carol is that every time he’s in Carol is when Vivi is driving. Which is an experience to drive any person to full body fear. 

“I did not drive Carol.” Oak’s shoulders un-tense and he goes back to bouncing as we make our way past the busses and smiling bus monitors to the parking lot.

“So how did you get here?”

“Oak, chill out we’re not walking to Ralph's,” I say still heading to where Cardan parked his car. 

Oak just stops halfway through the parking lot with his hands on his hips demanding an explanation. As much as he is trying to be serious he just looks adorable. 

“I’ll give you a piggyback if you stop being an annoying little butt.” He just smiles and catapults onto my back.  I don’t often offer to give Oak piggybacks any more. He’s gotten heavier as he's grown. Plus sometimes he thinks he's too old and cool for them. I guess today is not one of those days.

When I get back to Cardan’s car I can see he has an amused smile as he watches my cart around my lanky 7 year old brother. 

Oak looks at me with wide eyes as I buckle him up in the back and plop down in the passenger seat. Cardan has turned off the rap he was playing early and switched it to that teeny bob that I despise but Taryn loves. 

I look over to see that not only is the amused look on his lips but also in his eyes. He doesn’t say anything and instead just pulls out of the parking lot.

Oak who has been unusually quiet finally opens his mouth.

“Are you Jude’s boyfriend?” Oh my god.

“Oak!” My face has most certainly paled to the color of ice. Cardan looks at first like he might throw up with the thought but then he starts laughing. 

And damn is that a nice sight. His sharp features are relaxed and full of laughter.

“Jude’s never had a boyfriend before.” Oak pauses for a second before continuing. “Actually she had one boyfriend but now he’s Taryn’s boyfriend so that doesn’t really count.” 

I think I might strangle Oak. I look over at Cardan who seems to have gone a little rigid with this turn of the conversation. Having Cardan sit here with my brother telling him about my relationship disasters is embarrassing.

I mean, of course, he already knows this. He’s friends with Locke. But still, something about this is bugging me. 

“Oak,” My voice is diminished when I speak. I’m looking out the window forcing the feelings I've been fighting for months to go away. Taryn and I worked things out. We always do. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting sometimes. 

That's when I feel a strong nimble hand grab mine. I look over to Cardan as he drives. His eyes are focused on the road as he squeezes my hand.

I think my heart is going to melt. 

But then I think I’m going to attack him. I remember seeing Nicasia laugh along with Valerian and Locke. Who’s to say he didn’t poke fun of the fool I was. I bet he’s only doing this now to go laugh at what an idiot I am later with all of his cronies.

But then he catches my eyes and he seems genuinely sad for me so I don’t attack him. But I do pull my hand from his and look back out the window. I don’t care if he’s been nice today. That does not exclude the years of name-calling. Of making me and Taryn feel small. Of how he glared at me at the party. What the fuck changed so quickly?

Oak is apparently not done talking. As usual. “Only Heather and Locke drive me places too. They're both my sister's boyfriend and girlfriend.” That makes me turn around.

“Cardan is not my boyfriend.” My voice is firm as I speak. 

I look over to see a little bit of anger on his face. He has both hands on the wheel. No aimless tapping or anything. He looks over with that cold glare he gave me at the party. 

Great! He’s mad because I pulled my hand from his. What an arrogant bastard.

....

When we finally get home Oak jumps out of the car running to the door. Something about Fixer Upper being on. What an odd kid.

Oak’s gone before I can even open the door leaving me and Cardan alone.

He’s staring dead out the window not even bothering to look at me. Which is fucking annoying. This dude needs to get a grip on his mood swings. I’m irritated enough to the point where I have to say something.

“Why the fuck were you being so tolerable early? You're usually pretty shitty to me. So whats up? What's with the bits of decency all of the sudden. You hate me. What's going on here?” 

He turns his head to meet me eye to eye. His lips are sent in such a hard line I don’t think I’m going to get an answer. 

“I do not hate you.” 

“No? What about that time you called me and Taryn lowlife orphans who were less important than the dirt on your shoe? Or when you would steal my lunch money every day? Or that time you tripped me at elementary school graduation? I broke my ankle.” I’m seething. My whole body hot with anger.

He just sits there. Stone cold as ice.

“I was a child.” It's icy. Dismissive. As if the pent up anger, the feelings I had that I didn’t belong where nothing. 

“Fine. What about Friday night? That lovely moment when you basically kicked me out of that party? Omg, what about when I started dating Locke and you called me a filthy slut! That was a fun one.”

He’s staring at me with a hard unrelenting stare. 

I can not believe I started to think he wasn’t such an asshole. Just listening to myself speak I realize how dumb I am. I’m too pissed at the feelings that have been in that dark space next to my heart to even wait for his answer.

I’m curious sure. But I’m done. I’ve put up with this shit for too long.

I’m storming out of the car. Slamming the door to his precious car as hard as I can. 

“Jude.” His voice is hard. Commanding. I feel like smacking him into next week.

I turn to see him standing out of his door arms crossed defensively. I can't help but match his stance. He’s only 3 ft away and I feel the urge to run as far as I can. 

“I don’t hate you.” He’s spitting the words out now full of force.

“You looked hot as fuck Friday night,”. What? “And that pissed me the fuck off because I like you.” 

What the fuck.

“I can’t stop thinking about you.” Oh my god. “And I hate that.”

 He takes a pause, “I despise you for it.”

I’m frozen in place. Just staring at this asshole who had the nerve to tell me he likes me? After the torment, he inflicted on me as a kid. After the name-calling and the glares and the...

My entire brain freezes as he tugs me into his chest. Hard.

Because now he's kissing me. And damn is he a good kisser.

He has a hand tangled in my hair and the other one is keeping me pinned to him. I’m a stone statue for a whole 3 seconds before I acknowledge what is happening. But then I can’t stop myself as my arms wrap around his body and I'm pushing into him as much as I can. 

He’s turning us around backing me up to his car door. The kisses becoming hungrier, needier. His hands have moved down to my ass. Holding me as close to him as possible. I can’t stop the roving my hands are doing. Finding their way to that sweet soft black hair.

I can’t let go. I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of this. What it feels like to not have a single space between us. What it feels like for Cardan's hand to be intertwined with my hair, pulling me into him. 

“See I told you Jude had a boyfriend!”.

I hate my life.

~~~

My one tag hehe:

@fireheartbuzzard

[bepoets]

Review for Trish’s Dream Fic

Trish ( @couragedontdesertme  ) said she’d write an epilogue of the elsarik dream Fic if I made a Formal Review of the elsarik dream fic. So here we are.

Please note review should be taken VERY LIGHTLY this is more or less me re-reading the Fic and loudly yelling about things with too many exclamation points. Enjoy Trish.

Ch1

First of all imagine my fucking surprise I didn’t even know you had gotten work done on the dream fic???? Here I was thinking the link you sent me was the next chapter of city of ice and then I click on it and it saYS DREAM FIC???? E X C U S E M E oh my goodness

The first section is just so entirely domestic and beautiful and you can tell how lived in and content they are in their life as roommates. ALARIK (listen my phone autocorrects ALARIK to be in all caps and I’m too lazy to fix it so y’all are gonna have to deal with reading ALARIK’s name as if I’m yelling it every time I type it) anyway ALARIK just bringing her the chocolate croissants she loves so dearly and Elsa curling up with a book and him fretting and worrying over her being there alone all day and later... it’s just SO DOMESTIC. it’s such a small short moment but it’s so domestic and a perfect opposite of the PAIN THAT HAPPENS AFTER!!! And we al know I LOVE READING PAIN

The fact that ALARIK was only home late because he was doing tutoring to earn more money to by Elsa A PRESENT????? Shut up no one speak to me that’s true love but also PAINFUL the guilt he must feel oh my god

Elsa...stops struggling... because she doesn’t want ,,,, ALARIK ,,,, to get hurt. Because she cares for his safety more than her own because he has protected her and he is her friend and she loves him I am going to SCREAM

The fact that you use the phrase ~marching her out of the warmth of the room~ when she just used her magic to like cover the walls in frost makes my Heart burst cause idk if it was intentional or not but I just love the thought that this room has become Home to her it’s become safe and beautiful and lovely and WARM because it is full of love and friendship and companionship rather than the cold loneliness of say her ice palace of her locked room as a child. I like to think Elsa could have covered the room entirely in ice and snow and frost and it would still feel warm to her because of the love that’s developed there thank you for coming to my tedtalk

Ugh fuck hans

I have literally no words other than fuck hans for any section with hans in it I DONT even want to RECOGNIZE THAT HE EXISTS !!! Making Elsa feel like she’s nothing I am going to punch him in the eye

~ALARIK weeps over smushed chocolate croissant. End scene~

I know that it’s such a heartbreaking sad ending for that first chapter but also I really can’t stop laughing about him crying over a stepped on croissant since I know that your like planning note for that last scene was literally just some variant of ALARIK cried over a smushed croissant and that’s just such a funny IMAGE TO ME EVEN THOUGH ITS SAD

I just like to imagine ALARIK cradling the chocolate croissant in his arms like a bébé as he sobs

Ch2

I’m fucking S A D

ALARIK having like NO MONEY and just thinking about that the money he has was going to go to a gift for Elsa and the guard LAUGHING AT HIM LIKE THATS IT THATS ALL YOU HAVE?? Like shut UP HES TRYING TO SAVE HIS BELOVED

P e t t y c h a n g e HE IS TRYING MR GUARD I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW HE WORKED EXTRA TO GET THAT MONEY

ALARIK is so fucking DEVOTED I’m going to run through a goddamn wall I cannot cope. Willing to sell the clothes off his back have you ever seen an idiot more iN LOVE

ALARIK just going willingly cause he has no fight left in him and he just wants to see Elsa even if it means he gets imprisoned too oh my GOD

THE SCENE ITS THE SCENE!!!!!!!!!

STRAIGHT FROM TRISH’S SUBCONSCIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT STARTED IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!

ALARIK wanting to hold her hands when her hands are what are chained up and seen as dangerous and what ~make her a witch~ the absolute love and power that holds.

LET ALARIK AND ELSA HOLD HANDS

“I promised to keep you safe” the pain I feel oh mY GOD

“They’ll KILL you” they’re really out here trying to protect each other at all costs oh my god nothing matters more to the other than keeping the other safe and for that I want to cry and love them and also I want to ram their heads into the wall because wHY WONT THEY JUST PROTECT ESCH OTHER TOGETHER

The PARALLEL OH MY FUCKING GOD

the P A R A L L E L of ALARIK stilling and no longer struggling when the guards threaten Elsa’s death in the same way that Elsa stilled and stopped struggling when they threatened ALARIK’s death oh my god that broke me right there

U g h hans fuck that guy

A N N A !!!!!!!!

When I first read this,,, I DONT know why??? But for some reason??? I didn’t think Anna would be in it???? Which like thinking back on that it makes no sense of COURSE Anna would be in the FIC why would I ever think otherwise. But anyway I was so surprised when she showed up I literally gasped and went ANNA??? Out loud because I was so shocked

ALFAFA GERANIUM

ALARIK really is just so bad under pressure who thought this was a good idea

AG FOR SHORT wink wink nudge nudge cough cough

I’ll be thinking about ALARIK shouting alfafa geranium on my death bed let us never forget

“No harm, no foul” is literally the most fucking Anna line I’ve ever heard. She absolutely would say that to someone who was being question for a crime she’d be like “it’s not biggy”

Why is it that when hans says “BUT ANNA!!!” I hear it like he’s wining like a petulant child I read it like “bUT annNNAAAAA” ugh I hate him

“Don’t scream” *ALARIK’s inner monologue* “this ,, is the story of how I died”

ILL HELP YOU HELP HER ESCAPE!!!!! HELL YEA YOU WILL ANNA HELL YEA YOU WILL

Ch3

My dumbass really went “why are none of the children named neta” before remembering that is the child of Anna and Kristoff and these...are the children of Anna ,,, and .... ugh please don’t make me say his name

I would die for these kids though I love them and I want to protect them at all costs 

Johannes at 5 (and a half!!!!) being a fine soldier GOOD FOR HIM

Isak owns my entire heart from the moment he started fake crying for his mother what a star performer a true Actor he’s too good

Arendellian Royal Guards, are they guards? Or are they simply baby sitters? The world may never know

JOAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One of the babies being named JOAN!!! Hang in there Joan!!!!!!!!! That made me cry oh my god J O A N

Bébé Isak lookout supreme with his big eyeballs and smile and goofy lil salute I love him

The fact that Elsa says she felt stupid for being lured into a false sense of security means she felt secure and safe for literally the first time since she was a child when she was with ALARIK and I cannot properly articulate how much that made me cry I love that so much that has to mean sO MUCH TO HER oh my god

“You have to get out!! Do the magic!!” NO ONE SPEAK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT THIS LINE FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL MONTHS I LITERALLY WEPT

the use of DO THE MAGIC oh my god AND ELSAS HEART LIKE BREAKING BECAUSE SHE FEELS LIKE SHE CANT

DO ! THE ! MAGIC !

Brave little boy with his mother’s determination saying “be brave. That’s what mama said to tell you” oh my GOD THESE CHILDREN HAVE MY WHOLE HEART OH MY GOD

A rooster crow for the signal COUKD they be more obvious I love these kids they’re ridiculous they are truly the children of Anna

Elsa!!! Chose!! To be!!! Brave!!!

IF SHE TRIED TO SAY GOODBYE TO ELSA!!! SHE MAY NEVER LET GO!!!

SHE HAD NO WHERE TO GO!!! BUT SHE DOES BEVAUSE THERES ALARIK WAITING FOR HER BECAUSE GUESS WHAT

ALARIK IS HER HOME !!!!! HE IS HER HOME !!!! SHE CAN GO TO HIM!!!!

Queue another one of my shocked and delightfully surprised screams as I shouted KRISTOFF????? Because blonde dude driving a reindeer cart

Let’s get you somewhere safe I’m going to cry THEYRE finally together again and they can keep each other safe together as. They. Should.

They are cuddling and my heart is exploding oh my god ALARIK seems so surprised like you big dumb idiot you’re both in love with each other it’s a mutual thing get with the program

SLEEP ELSA! ITS GOING TO BE OKAY! AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN PROBABLY FOREVER! IT WILL BE!

Ch4

*queue another gasp* there’s only one bed?????

Yea I saw it coming yea I was just as shocked even so yea I got very excited about it wHAT DID YOU EXPECT

They’re cUDDLING and he went to move away and she DOESNT WANT HIM TO they could’ve been sharing a bed THIS WHOLE TIME AND I JUST WANT TO SCREAM BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY

ALARIK laying all the credit on kristoff and the kids when he’s kind of the one that steamrolled the whole plan into happening because he’s the one who showed up ALARIK please give yourself more credit

“You came back” “of course I came back... I couldnt ...” “why?” And then ALARIK refusing to meet her eyes has me absolutely weeping this is the kind of shit I THRIVE ON this is truly a gift to us all everyone say thank you Trish for these three bits of dialogue I will be thinking about them for all my days

ELSA KISSED HIM!!!!!!!!!

Yeah I do lose my shit anytime Elsa is the one to make the first move you go girl you go

THE SPICE VENDOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bringing in all my favorites I am going to cry thank you Trish I love Darius

I SUPPOSE YOU TWO HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN MARRIED

listen I SCREAMED WHEN HE SAID THAT I SQUAWKED!!!! MARRIED!!!!!!

I had been observing you two and just assumed!!!!! You would assume right mr spice vendor sir if they WERENT so stupid for so long it’s okay we understand

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ??? And Elsa says MARRY US? And ALARIK is going to PASS THE FUCK OUT

He literally got to finally kiss the woman he’s in love with for the first time last night and now they’re getting married poor boy is going to get WHIPLASH from how fast things are progressing but it’s okay im sure he is happy

Elsa’s little vows of just needing each other and keeping each other safe and keeping company and not needing gold or silver ugh TRUE LOVE

And ALARIK hopelessly devoted to her being like I PROMISE

“just you being there no matter what is enough” peak romance true love the devotion the dedication I’m a wreck

LE SMOOCH! LE MARRIAGE! INCREDIBLE I LOVE THEM

~end review~

Okay where is my epilogue please and thank you