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it’s crazy how a double bacon cheeseburger is probably the single healthiest thing a human can eat

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What if you were watching porn that seemed totally normal and then at the end it hit you with this

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the pussy got me confused as fuck wandering into the darkness with a waning candle like HELLO? HELLO? IS ANYONE THERE? HELLO?

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i had a 4 hour drive today so i put on the revenge of the sith audiobook and the part where palpatine tells anakin to kill dooku came on right around the time that i saw a cybertruck and for a brief and beautiful moment when he said "do it" i had the urge to ram my honda full on into that shitty ass car

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Workers of the world……fuck each other nasty style!!!!!

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imagine going to a house party and ask to go to the bathroom and like theres a dark souls silver knight guarding a chest in there. and like you ask him to not look but he doesn’t respond at all. He’s not like agro, or staring at you with intent, but he’s FULLY aware of your presence and watching you like you intend to steal

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didn't notice that this was a group message at first but thank you for the emoji react random stranger 🙏

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i just got arrested for being too ugly

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Husband called me into the bedroom to show me the tag on our mattress cover, he was very proud.

“This seems like something tumblr will like! It’ll get you all the notes…ReTumbls? It’ll get you all the ReTumbls.”

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There might be a new hit drug on the street they’re calling nuance. It depends on factors

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Fun fact: you can avoid midlife crisis by literally simply just skipping it. Straight-up just skip being middle-aged. Once I turned 30 and aged out of the "young adult" bracket, I skipped straight into being a weird little old man. Record youngest bizarre old geezer in generations. Now if I'm lucky and play my cards right, I've got like 80 or 90 years of being a weird lttle old man left in me. If I manage to do a hundred, I'm going to start telling people that the secret to living to 130 is that I ate an entire pine cone every single day.

That, or that I can't die because heaven isn't taking me and the devil owes me money so he's avoiding me.

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the tables have turned: my cat is ill and he's not a very good patient

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