#they call ed and go 'bad news man' and ed (and stede) are like 'WHAT' and they're like 'yeah we don't know who's best man to make you'

[something-about-sunflowers]

I want some happy in the Izzy tag so.

Jack is gonna propose to Izzy, he wants to do a whole big thing about it, practically planning a flash mob, but he doesn’t cause he knows Izzy would hate it with all the attention on him.

So he plans quieter, take him to his favorite vegan restaurant, slip the ring in his food or his drink, but then, he can’t go with that either because Izzy is so particular about his food since he’s got all those stomach issues and Jack doesn’t want to send him into an anxiety spiral about where his food’s been.

So he plans gentler, movie marathon night at home, bunch of those sappy romantic movies they both pretend they hate, he’ll tell him ‘hey I got you something extra special with all the snacks’ and pull out the ring box. Yeah. He’ll go with that one. He puts in a request for the day off, pulls out all their super comfy blankets and washes them to make sure they’re extra fresh. Plans a little menu and goes shopping, so excited he’s dancing in the aisles.

The morning before and Jack wakes up to Izzy making breakfast, all the stuff he can’t eat but he knows Jack likes, god he loves him. He gets up, heads to the kitchen presses a big, lip-smacking, kiss to Izzy’s temple and fixes Izzy’s coffee before sitting down to the plate Izzy’s already prepared for him. He’s got the fork halfway to his mouth when Izzy slaps something down on the table.

Jack blinks. Blinks again.

Fuck.

Its the ring box. How did Izzy find it? Jack was keeping it in his truck! Izzy never went in his truck without him, he didn’t even drive! Shit! Could he still save this? Maybe he could-

Wait.

That’s not his ring box. The one he’d bought was a nice, dark green, velvet. This one is a sleek, tan leather. He looks up at Izzy, who is leaning back against the counter, arms crossed tight against his chest, pointedly avoiding eye contact.

‘Well?’ He, honestly, kinda demands in that snappy tone of voice he gets when he’s trying to pretend like he’s not more nervous than a balloon in a needle factory. ‘Are you gonna fuckin’ say “yes” or not?’

A grin splits Jack’s face. He feels about fit to burst himself, how happy he is.

‘Lemme run to my truck real quick.’

[everyscreentoobeseen]

From Blackbeard, to Kraken To Shark.

Even without the fictionalized of what really happened to his leg, I think the fact that Izzy calls Ed, A Shark and not a Kraken is a good look into what he sees Ed as now.

In Season 1, Izzy couldn't handle the idea that Blackbeard wasn't who Edward was anymore. Blackbeard was The Greatest Pirate Who Ever Lived and Izzy was The First Mate of said Pirate. He was more of an idol to worship and based your life around than a person.

Then he pushes Ed away from.... well being Ed. He threatens he demeans, he gets what he wants.

"Blackbeard's Back" he says.... but it's not Blackbeard who came out the other side of letting go of the Red Silk. It's The Kraken.

Blackbeard never told Izzy about his father's murder. He only told Stede. "Im the Kracken." A monster who sinks ships and destroys lives not because it needs food, or is being attacked by humans. But because you wandered into it's path.

So The Kraken keeps cutting off Izzy's toes. Keeps pillaging and pushing loot off the ship. Never returning to land because it's a SEA Monster. It cant survive on land. So Izzy soon realizes that this Blackbeard is not the one he wanted. Blackbeard was human. The Kraken is not.

It all comes to a head when he brings up the memory of Stede Bonnet. He was trying to bring Ed back but all it did was agitate The Kracken.

The dissonance between Ed/Blackbeard and the Kracken is illustrated furthur when The Kracken points a gun to each of his crew members. The last person who gets questioned is Blackbeard.

Which of course is the last straw for Izzy pretending that everything is fine. He says his piece and gets shot for it.

Then of course his leg gets cut off and Ed finds him tries to get killed by him (izzy). Which he refuses, because even after everything Edward put him through he would never kill the man he's been with for decades.

He'll shot him to stop him from killing the entire crew. He'll let Jim smash a cannonball on his head. He'll let Fang beat him to a pulp. But he will stop them from just throwing his body in to the ocean. Placing it in one of the secret corridors.

Then Stede comes back. After Ed has already died. Im sure that some part of him told himself. If he just held on for a few more days. If he knew Stede was out there trying to come back. Maybe then Ed could've been saved. But it's too late. He killed the monster and now he has to live with it.

Except Ed's not dead.

Now everything is wrong. Ed is banished because "A rotten leg has to come off." Izzy spends an entire day drinking and trying to figure out what to do now that Blackbeard and Ed are gone. "What even are you?"

But he finds that just cause Blackbeard is gone, doesn't mean Blackbeard's crew is. They will be there for him even if he isn't Blackbeard's First Mate. But instead he can be The New Unicorn. He doesn't have to base his life around 'Whatever Edward is Doing' anymore.

So what does he say happened to his leg? After everything that happened?

A shark took it.

Sharks has a very bad reputation for being mindless killing machine. A sea creature that eats humans. Very much like a Kraken.

Except Sharks dont eat humans. They dont mean to at least. They eat seals. And it's only beacuse modern day humans made surfboards that from a sharks point of veiw looks like a seal when humans lay on it. They are still dangerous, but frankly they are most misunderstood animals.

Izzy has been misunderstanding Ed for years hasn't he? He thought Blackbeard was the truest version of Ed but he was wrong. He has no way of knowing that The Blackbeard he sailed with after 'We Gull Way Back' is actually The Kraken. So what is Ed to Izzy now?

Ed is a shark, who never wanted to eat (kill) Izzy but the man was 'dangling his legs' right in front of him. So he took a bite, spit him out and left him to die.

A dangerous animal that needs to be respected and understood better so that no one has to be hurt by him again. A very fitting arc for a man who for so long refused to see Ed as anything but Blackbeard.

[amuseoffyre]

Thinking about the fact that Stede has the flashback to two of the most impactful moments in his childhood immediately after killing Ned.

The moments where he was:

chased and beaten for being gentle and soft and tied to a dinghy and pelted with rocks

forced to watch his father kill a living creature and was told this was what he had to do in order to be a man and that this is something he will never ever be because of his nature

He retreats to hide. This is the man who said "what if it wasn't like that?" and has wanted to avoid killing if at all possible.

And then Ed comes to him in the room and he grabs him, urgent, panicked, desperate to know he hasn't done something wrong. And Ed, who told him they should go slow, suddenly agrees, changes his mind about the going slow and pulls him in.

In a way, it's kind of solidifying this idea that is lodged in his head that this is what Ed wants in him. He doesn't see Ed look away, stricken, when he strikes the killing blow.

It ties back to the dream in 2x1, when he projected the kind of pirate he thought he had to be when he found Ed: a swashbuckling, masculine bearded equal to him. Also someone who will do the violence in a way he never really has. "Killing. And having to kill". The stuff that sent him into a panic spiral in 1x1.

The fact that his dream!Ed specifically compliments his beard and he says "I'm trying something new" is so much of Stede's messy subconscious stuff.

Something something, him getting his ear pierced is trying to manifest the piratey appearance he dreamed for himself.

He's never believed he could be enough as himself: "I'm afraid your life is better without me" and agreeing with Chauncey when he's called a plague and a defiler of beautiful things.

So some twisted up logic in his brain is saying "this is what Ed wants" because Ed sleeps with him after he does a man's work. Layered onto that is Ed congratulating him on his fame and encouraging him to enjoy it.

So surely, this is what Ed wants, right? Ed has wanted him to be more like this the whole time, hasn't he? He can do that! He's being a real man! He even has a man in a bloody apron telling him he's "the fuckin' dude". He's accomplished Real Man status! He's not going to be seen as the soft-handed, weak-hearted, lily-livered little rich boy anymore. He's accepted and celebrated and people "like me for me".

Only then, out of nowhere for him, Ed tells him it was a mistake and leaves him. His entire perspective of what's been happening crumbles around him. Ed's tendency to deflect with metaphor and subtext and Stede's need for directness clash so hard. Ed has so much spiralling in his noggin, but he doesn't explain any of it, and Stede can't see any reason for what's happening.

And the next we see of him, miserable in the pub, Izzy scatters his new 'friends' with a word. Suddenly he's alone again and not even adequate enough for people to stay with him. Everyone leaving him because even when he's the Celebrated Gentleman Pirate, he's not enough.

And that's why we get the framing of him exactly as we did in the scene when his father tore verbal strips out of him and told him he was worth nothing.

For a moment, Izzy manages to ground him, reassure him and stop him doing something reckless that'd get him killed.

And then the rest of Stede's crew choose to start leaving him and it's the straw that breaks the camel's back, because Ed leaving is bad but his crew - his found family - leaving him for someone who planned to execute half of them? Like he's nothing to them? That's the thing that shatters him, so he goes toe-to-toe with Zheng, despite knowing she is his superior in every possible way.

Like Ed, he's going to watch the world burn or die trying.

[lesbianballofgender]

Okay but in all seriousness the writing of season two is perfect to portray exactly who Ed and Stede are and who they’ve always been. If David Jenkins had said “fuck it” and given them a happy ending right away it would’ve been magic, but so false. Stede and Ed aren’t perfect like that so a perfect and easy ending isn’t correct for them.

They’re going through another break up over the pettiest of shit (I mean a fish for fuck sake) but that’s exactly what Stede and Ed would do. Because we all know it’s not actually about a fish. As Ed was running away he said ‘fishermen and pirates are nothing alike’ which just surfaces a whole bunch of new things they need to talk through. Because in that scenario Stede is the pirate and Ed is the fisherman, a complete 180 to season one’s dilema where Ed’s the pirate and Stede an Aristocrat. Stede knows it’s not the real reason he’s leaving because he even yells ‘it’s not about that’ to which Ed yells back ‘it’s everything about that! It’s everything about fishing!’ yet there’s no reason it would be. Ed is making up an excuse because he’s afraid. He kept repeating how he wanted to take things slow yet (like he mentions) everything has been doing the exact opposite. They had sex but I don’t just mean that. Stede also was very close to confessing his love for him, which to Edward I’m sure would be a huge deal as no one has probably ever loved him truly and purely before in that way. And I’m not being funny but especially a man. Ed killed his own Father and as far as we know the only person to have loved him (besides like ig Izzy) is his Mother. So it may be difficult for him to accept love especially from another man because he never received it growing up. The entire episode ‘man on fire’ also highlights exactly how truly whim-prone Ed and especially Stede are. It doesn’t take much for Stede to get swept away by praises from his fans, enough so he even gets his ear pierced. And Ed deciding to become a fisherman from catching one fish is really… the best example.

Even in ‘Calypso’s birthday’ when Ned calls Stede Ed’s ‘pet’ it brings about these doubts Stede could have about Ed’s true feelings for him that, paired with ‘Man on fire’, is fucking incredible. Because right after Stede has been told that his boyfriend only likes him because ‘of his bumbling amateur status’ he changes completely, kills two men (Ned and the man on fire), has gay sex for the first time, gets his ear pierced and a bunch of people start to get tattoos of him on their bodies. These doubts need resolving though but instead of talking it out, of course his initial response is to bottle it/have sex… though it isn’t like he was given much of a chance to bring it up to talk about it because Ed ran away (a response that is so fucking accurate to both of them as characters).

I’d just like to point out that I love the detail of Stede always preaching for everybody to ‘talk it through as a crew’ yet I swear he has never practised what he preaches. This man running away back to Mary instead of talking his feeling out but telling the crew to share their thoughts is one of the most realistic thing about his character.

No one can say this show has bad writing. The inevitable conflict was hinted at so many times throughout the season. Ed and Stede could’ve never stayed happy as soon as they met up in ‘Fun and games’ because Stede still hadn’t met his goal of being a known pirate (his whole goal from season one) plus he literally ran away from having a normal life so of course he wasn’t going to give up the seas quite yet while Ed has been so clearly saying he’s done with pirating for a long time. The entire persona of ‘Jeff’ is the only evidence we need. He wants a normal life, not as Blackbeard but as ‘Edward Teach born on a beach’ or as ‘Jeff’ - the innkeeper or accountant. It’s impossible not to pick up on this. Even the line ‘you wear fine things well’ is just this idea incarnate. They both say it to each other on severed occasions, it being a complement showing their adoration for one another. When Ed tells Stede those words it’s a comedic moment because he’s relaying Stede’s words, it’s sweet because they kiss and it’s such an obvious thing to say because Stede is (as he put it in ‘a gentleman pirate’) landed gentry so of course it suits him. Yet when Ed’s being told he looks good in nice things it’s the best thing someone has ever told him, because Stede looks past him being a pirate and a murderer and says “hey, that suits you”. No one has ever seen him as someone worth anything more so he feels seen more then he ever has before. That one line is so powerful and that’s probably why it’s repeated in season 2; because it feels like proof they will end up back together again.

They don’t understand their own feelings half the time, they’re whim-prone and they’re very good at running away, however they see one another for who they are and so far have always found their way back to each other.

[nebulousgaythoughts]

OFMD season 2 spoilers!!

Ed leaving Stede after Stede gains actual infamy feels very in character, even if it's frustrating as fuck.

Imagine how Ed feels: at the start of season 2, he was at his absolute lowest. He was depressed and angry and doing horrible things and quite literally trying to end his life. And then he gets another shot at life because he was cucking saved by the power of love. Being blackbeard nearly killed him. It scarred him and others permanently. We see him attempt to apologize when the crew lets him back on the ship after his banishment, and it's a shitty apology, but it's a huge first step. Then, we see him apologize to izzy directly, actually using the word "sorry" albeit not looking him in the eyes. And that's fucking huge. Neither Ed nor izzy are good communicators, so Izzy responds with "fuck off," but we know he values the apology anyway.

When Stede makes what's his name walk the plank, Ed tells him not to go through with it. Because Ed knows what that guilt is like, and if Stede has the choice not to do something so callous and irreversible, then Ed wants him to. He wants to spare him that pain.

And then Stede fucking does it anyway.

And not because he's evil, or he's a murderer at heart, but because the thing he wants most is to be masculine, attractive, powerful. Like Blackbeard. Because if he's like blackbeard, then he has worth. That murder changes his character fundamentally. He has finally achieved the thing he wants most, and it makes complete sense that immediately after, he and Ed have sex for the first time. Because Stede is immediately filled with confidence and adrenaline and power that he's never felt before.

Stede is now the more conventionally masculine one in the relationship. So, he's the one to grab Ed by the shirt and push him up against the wall. He's the one to close the curtains, while Ed sits on the bed and looks up at him. We don't even see his face as he does so. All we see is his bare chest, a symbol of masculine attractiveness. Stede is the one moving the both of them forward. And Ed lets him because he's down astronomically bad for Stede.

Then, the morning after, Ed throws Blackbeard's clothes into the sea, both symbolically and literally evolving in his character. He's done with hot black leather and metal buckles. He's done with having 9 gun holsters on his person. He's embracing simple and soft fabric. He's wearing one of Stede's robes. Ed makes them breakfast in bed-Stede still shirtless-as they lay apart from each other. No cuddling, no tender touches, no soft giggles as they embrace this new form of intimacy, no. What we get is Ed making them breakfast, being so desperate to please him that he throws a literal piece of twine on the tray in lieu of nothing.

Then at Spanish Jackie's, Stede revels in his infamy, and Ed gives him distanced advice about the lifestyle. He sits at a table with SJ while Stede does body shots or something, having rapidly become (as SJ said) "the man."

And then Stede fucking lights a man on fire????

No fucking wonder Ed wanted to leave. Stede is embracing the lifestyle that caused Ed and the crew so much pain and suffering. Like holy shit, of course Ed wanted to distance himself. He just started making ammends for his horrific behavior WITH STEDES ENCOURAGEMENT, and then Stede lights a man on fire and laughs about it.

I'm not saying they're relationship is beyond repair, or that Ed should have left, I definitely think they should have communicated. But I completely understand why Ed needed to distance himself from who Stede is turning into, which I think is why he called them fucking a mistake. It wasn't a mistake because Ed doesn't love him, it was a mistake because they're identities as individual people are extremely unstable. They're moving so fast in opposite directions, and they need to slow down and talk about it before agreeing to such vulnerable intimacy. I don't think the sex was non-con, but a lack of communication makes it really fucking easy to hurt each other.

I only hope that they will talk through their shit. I hope Ed will realize that Stede loves him more than he loves being an infamous pirate. I hope Stede will realize he doesn't have to be an infamous pirate for Ed to love him.

Anyway I fucking hate this show

[pengychan]

[Our Flag Means Death] The Lost Unicorn, Pt. 2

Title: The Lost Unicorn Summary: Weakened by the gunshot wound, Izzy falls behind during the escape and is captured. The good news is that the navy surgeon can keep him alive. The bad one is that he's now live bait for the crew of the Revenge. Characters: Izzy Hands, Ed Teach, Stede Bonnet, Crew of the Revenge, Ricky Barnes Rating: T All chapters are tagged as 'lost unicorn' on my blog. [Back to Part 1]

Unsurprisingly no one is having a good time, but at least they now have extra brain cells on board to think of a decent plan. Also, flashbacks. ***

“Good Lord, Israel, I truly hope that was one of your baby teeth.”

Israel tries to reply, but there is blood bubbling in his mouth and something hard on his tongue. He turns and spits out another tooth. “Think so,” he says, as well as one can manage to enunciate with both front teeth gone. So, not very well. 

The innkeeper rubs his face before giving a quick glance towards the kitchen where Israel’s mother is busy cooking dinner, unaware of the trouble her son got into yet again. He can faintly hear her singing. “You’re going to give poor Edith a heart attack one of these days, you truly are.”

“So don’t tell her.”

“I think she’s going to notice either way, boy. Who was it this time? The cobbler’s kid again?” 

“I fell down the stairs.”

Callused fingers grab his chin, forcing his face up. Israel scowls before the old man even starts his lecture. Or tries to, because one eye is swollen shut and it makes scowling difficult. “You can’t keep picking fights with everybody.”

“He insulted me,” Israel replies, and it is a lie. But he’ll die before he lets a word of what really happened - he insulted her - past his lips, so he’ll settle for lying. Mr. Doherty probably already worked out that his mother’s ring is all for show and that she’s not a widow nor was ever married in the first place, but it’s one of those things that are best left unsaid.

His mother made sure he understood that very well: a problem that goes unspoken is a less of a problem.

“You should learn to let an insult or two slide, before you lose something more than a couple of teeth.”

“I’d like to see them try.”

“You’re the size and weight of a wet rat. You really do not.”

“You should see the other guy,” Israel replies, even though the other guy barely got a nosebleed out of their fight, and steps past to head upstairs, to the room he shares with his mother, to wash some blood off. Or at least he tries to. He never manages to put one foot down on the steps before Mr. Doherty grapes his wrist, tight. 

It’s wrong. Israel can tell right away that it’s wrong, because Mr. Doherty never grabs anyone like this unless it’s a drunk patron that needs to be thrown out of the inn.

And no one alive should ever have hands this cold.

“You’re going to die alone. You know that, don’t you, Izzy?”

Israel looks up, alarmed and more than a little confused, because no one has ever called him anything other than his full name before. Mr. Doherty is looking the other way, even as the grip tightens, colder and colder. 

… Or maybe it isn’t that cold. Maybe it’s him who is warm, too warm, feverish. Israel swallows, and now even the blood in his mouth feels boiling hot. “Let me--”

“You’re difficult, you know? You make it so goddamn difficult for anyone to like you. Got it into your head no one could and now here you are, making damn sure no one does.” 

The man turns his head now and it’s not Mr. Doherty anymore. Israel Hands is still some fifteen years away from meeting Benjamin Hornigold for the first time, but those eyes still go through him like a knife, make him still and stop struggling to break free from his grip.

A smile, wide, all teeth. “They’re not coming back for you, Izzy. None of them. Why would they?”

Israel’s vision is swimming, and it feels like he’s burning. The grip on his wrist stays, ice cold, while his left knee folds and he falls. The man who’s not Mr. Doherty pulls him up by the wrist, dangles him like a dead rat caught in a trap. Something in his gut hurts, more throbbing heat.

“Because you got dolled up, put on perfume, and sang a little song? That’s it? You think that would make anyone want to risk their lives for a miserable bastard? They wanted to have a laugh at you, that's all.”

A shake, the heat in his gut blooms into pain, and Israel screams. 

“Ma--” he tries to call out, but another cold hand grabs his neck, squeezes, and the scream dies in his throat.

“They won’t come, none of them, least of all Ed. They thought they got live bait, and all they have in their hands is dead meat. It’s for the best, you know. If they do, they die. And the last person who was ever willing to give her life for you died shitting her bed while you were fucking around as a powder monkey for the Royal Navy.”

Israel tries to grasp the man’s wrist, to pry those icy fingers from his throat, but his hand is so weak and he feels so heavy. His vision darkens, and the arm falls back by his side.

“Do you want them to come for you? Do you want them to die for you? You selfish little twat.”

None of his words make sense to Israel, but he’s no longer listening. All he knows is that he’s burning, and his side hurts, and he can’t see anything anymore. In the dark he hears voices, faint and far away-- … high fever……bring it down…… doing my best…… keep him alive…-- but when he tries to scream, the grip on his throat makes it impossible. That’s when he knows that he’s going to die, and no one is coming. 

A chasm opens beneath him, and Israel falls.

***

“All right. So. The plan. We need to be clever about this.”

“We’re never very clever about anything.”

“Yeah, whose idea was it to send the guy with the obvious wooden leg forth with the hostage?”

“I mean, Prince Whatshisname would have fucked it all up either way, I guess.”

“Still, proves my point. We’re never very clever about anything.”

“And it got one of us captured. So we have to be this time. Like with… remember the lighthouse trick?”

“Oh yeah, that was good.”

“Real good.”

“How’s playing lighthouse going to help with this?”

“It’s not, but what I mean is that it shows we can be clever, and that’s the kind of attitude we need to have again.”

“Oh! If we do the lighthouse thing anyway, can I do the foghorn?”

“Yes, Roach.”

“I say we go and burn the place down until they give Izzy back.”

“No, Wee John.”

“There were the towels, too.”

“Yeah, the drugged towels, when we got away from the Red Flag!”

“That was clever. Wasn’t it, Zheng?”

“... I’ll concede it was. Begrudgingly. But it won’t help us now, since none of those men will let us close enough to smell our towels.”

“I don’t need to get close.”

Jim’s voice was cold, and it caused everyone on deck to turn to them. They were sitting apart from everyone else, sharpening their throwing knives, jaw set and mouth a thin line. There was no doubt that they were already thinking of the moment each of those very, very sharp knives would sink in some pale English throat. 

“Probably not what I’m supposed to say,” Archie muttered. “But you look really hot right now.”

“Appreciated,” Jim replied with the smallest twitch of their lips, but didn't stop sharpening the knives for a moment. Stede cleared his throat. 

“Very well. So, um. Going back to our clever plan--”

“We split up.” 

Ed had been silent almost from the moment they managed to lose the Navy ship at their heels - so silent, in fact, that Stede was starting to worry a little - but now he spoke up, and everyone turned to look at him.

“... Split up?” Pete repeated, and Lucius made a face. 

“That sounds like a terrible idea. You know, in horror books someone always dies when the characters split up,” he muttered, gaining himself a look from Jackie. 

“What kinda books do you read?” she asked, but never got an answer. Ed walked up to the improvised table they were all huddled around, and tapped his finger on New Providence. 

“They gave up the chase now because we had a head start and sailed faster, but I’ll bet they’re not going to just dock again. They’ll be on high alert for any attack after we took down so many of theirs. I’ll bet Frenchie’s right arm their man-of-war will keep patrolling around the island, looking out for any ships.”

“Why does it have to be my arm?” Frenchie groaned, but got no reaction other than a sympathetic pat from Fang.

Stede frowned down at the map. “It makes sense, but how does splitting up--”

“Some of us stay on the ship, the others are dropped on New Providence,” Auntie spoke up, nodding. “Yes, I see. We lead their ship on a wild duck chase--”

“I think you mean--” Olu started, but a glare was enough to make him shut his mouth.

“I know what I meant to mean. Some of us keep their ship’s attention on the Revenge, while the rest get on the ground and scout things out from there.” A pause, and she looked around. “A small group would be best.”

Ed scoffed a little. “A big group kills more English.”

“Yes. But a big group also gets discovered quickly. If your friend is alive, the last thing you want is charging in like a bull without knowing what you’re getting into. For all we know, the noseless rat has him at gunpoint. ” Auntie crossed her arms, and looked Ed in the eye. “You want him back alive, yes?”

“Of course I do.”

“And come back alive yourself?”

It was a more charged question than she realized, Stede knew, and he found himself holding his breath for Ed’s reply. “Yeah,” Ed said, like a man who hadn’t purposefully steer the ship into a storm to go down with it only weeks earlier, and Stede breathed again. “Would be nice.”

“Then you take a small group for reconnaissance. Figure out what’s going on in Nassau, if he’s even alive, and where they’re keeping him. Then get picked up by the ship again, and we reconvene. Makes sense, no?” She turned to Stede. “What does the captain think?” she asked, her tone making it clear she was no huge fan of the fact he, out of all the people on board, was the captain.

Oh dear, now it fell on him to decide, of course. Stede opened his mouth, but Ed spoke up before he could utter a single word. 

“... It makes sense. I’m going. Jim?”

A flick of their wrist, and the knife Jim had been sharpening whistled through the air, hitting the mast only a few inches left of Ed’s temple. He didn’t even flinch, and just looked on as Jim nodded. “Of course I’m in.”

“Me too, then,” Archie muttered, and Ed nodded. 

“Sounds good. The three of us,” he agreed, and looked back at the others. “We’ll signal you when we’re ready to--”

“What-- no, wait a moment!” Stede protested. “I’m coming, too!”

A scoff. “No you’re not.”

“Yes I am!”

“Are not.”

A bit too outraged to even notice the way several crew members were rolling their eyes, Stede crossed his arms. “Am too!”

“I’m not risking you falling into their hands too. You’re the captain, so you stay on the ship--”

“Well, I am your captain, Edward Teach!” Stede snapped, slamming both hands on the table and causing Ed to recoil, several crew members to flinch, and Lucius’ eyebrows to shoot all the way up to his hairline. “I call the shots here, I am going nowhere without you!”

It was a pretty good outburst, if Stede said so himself. Almost up there with ‘do not try this captain again’, and he liked to think Izzy would be just as impressed. Ed sure seemed to be, because he opened his mouth, stared a moment, and then closed it before licking his lips and clearing his throat. 

(Later, after leaving them on the coast some way north of Nassau, Lucius would ask aloud if he was the only one who’d gotten the distinct feeling that Ed had been very close to rawing Stede on the deck right there and then. He was not.)

“... Right. Yeah. So, the four of us,” Ed finally said, and turned to the pile of uniforms they’d thrown on the deck after getting away from the English warship. “Guess we should put them on again.”

Archie tilted her head. “You think that fuckery is going to work twice? Barely worked the first time. It was a bit of a shit plan. No offense, captain.”

“None taken. But to be fair, I didn’t have much time to come up with anything better and I didn’t hear any of you--”

“Shit plan or not, Ed is right,” Jim cut him off, crossing the deck to retrieve their knife from the mast. “Seeing their uniform may at least make someone hesitate a moment before shooting. And a moment is all I’d need to kill them.”

Stede nodded. “Oh! Yes, of course! We only need a moment to strike first, if it comes to it.”

“Not you,” Auntie said. “You need more moments.”

“Maybe two moments, babe,” Ed said quickly. 

“More like twenty,” Zheng commented, and Ed crossed his arms. 

“That’s not very constructive.”

“No, no, she’s not wrong,” Stede conceded. “I may not be the best swordsman. Or marksman. Or… well… I will be mostly there for, uh. Strategic thinking.”

“Then we’re fucked,” Jim remarked, but turned back towards New Providence, by now only a small dot in the distance. “So, what are we waiting for?”

“Nightfall?” Olu suggested, a bit hesitant, and Zheng nodded with a smile. 

“Yes. Nightfall,” she said. A pause, and she turned to Jim and Archie. She pulled something from her sleeve, and held it out to them. A vial, with something viscous in it, like oil. “Take this. It’s a poison. Not of much  use if someone drinks it, but if you coat your blades with it, the smallest cut is deadly.”

“Oooh, this is awesome!” Archie grinned, taking the vial. “Can’t wait to try this out.”

“Leave some for me,” Jim muttered, elbowing her side, and turned back to Zheng. “Thank you. We’ll put it to good use.”

“You’d better, because it’s more expensive than this ship.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t have said that, man. I’ll get performance anxiety now.”

Archie’s comment made both Jim and Zheng chuckle. It was Zheng to speak again first. “And come back in one piece, both of you. Oluwande would appreciate that, and-- I would, too.”

“We’ll do our best,” Archie exclaimed, all brightness, putting an arm around Jim’s shoulders. “But failing that, do you have any preference on what pieces we do bring back?”

Stede was honestly a little curious to hear the answer, but he noticed Ed walking off below deck and that immediately shifted on top of his priorities. He followed, a little sheepish. 

“Um, Ed? I’m sorry I raised my voice.”

It caused Ed to pause, halfway down the steps to retrieve more guns, most likely. He turned just a little, enough for Stede to see his profile. “... It’s all right. You’re the captain.”

“Well, it’s no excuse to yell--”

“The captain gets to yell.”

“That’s not really the kind of captain I wanted to be,” Stede muttered, more than a little bashful, and Ed fully turned to look at him. 

“I mean-- I don’t mind.”

“But it’s ru--”

“Kinda hot really.”

“... Oh?”

“Well, maybe-- you know, in other circumstances. In a private setting. Not on the deck.”

Stede’s mind immediately attempted to supply various circumstances where that new bit of information could be used in a private setting, and it took him some effort to chase that thought away. Later, he decided. Once their mission was complete. 

“Ah,” he said, and cleared his throat. “Well-- duly noted. But, uh… I think I really should come with you, that’s why I insisted. I’m worried about Izzy, too, and I don’t think I can just sit around while sending you to do this really dangerous thing alone. I mean, I’m the captain. Makes me responsible for all the crew. You know?”

Ed stared a moment, then nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, I-- I get that. Just don’t wanna see you in danger if I can help it.”

“Well, that just means you’ll need to be my knight in shining armor if it comes to it,” Stede quipped, and was very relieved to see Ed’s lips quirk in a smile. 

“I can do that. Killing is a hell of a lot easier when it’s to protect someone.” 

“There, problem solved. But I’ll do my best not to get in the line of fire in the first place.” He stepped closer, and leaned in for a quick kiss that Ed reciprocated right away. “No one’s getting hurt. I mean, no one but the English.”

“... What if he’s already dead?”

“No, hey.” He pressed two fingers on Ed’s lips, looking at him in the eye. “Don’t think like that. Captain’s orders.”

Ed didn’t reply, but he did lean into the touch and kisses his fingertips, and Stede figured he could take it as an ‘aye’.

***

After letting his father’s body drop on the ground, Edward turns around and runs.

He has to run. He can’t go back. His mother will look at his face and see what he did, what he is, and he can’t bear the thought. Rain keeps falling, there’s thunder and he keeps slipping on cobblestones, hearing nothing but his own panting breath, blood rushing in his ears. 

He can hardly think but there is one thing he knows, one thing only that keeps him running towards the docks. Father is gone, she is safe, and she doesn’t need another monster to replace him. 

So he has to go.

Later, he won’t remember exactly what happened. He will only know that by the time he gets to the docks his eyes are full of-- rain it’s just rain--rainwater and he can’t see the man standing in front of him until he slams against his side and falls back on the ground with a grunt. 

“And who the fuck are you?”

The man is towering over him, like his father did earlier that night before-- he --the Kraken got him. He’s pulling back his lips in a grimace, hair sticking to his forehead. There is a boy too, he’s got some kid by the throat and is holding him high up enough his feet don’t touch the ground.

“Well? I’m talking to you!” The man steps forward, and his boot is up to come down on him before Edward can even think of scooting back, but it never comes down. Not on him, at least.

“Eat shit!” the boy in his grasp yells, and his foot kicks out, hitting the man right in the groin.

The high-pitched scream would be funny, if Edward remembered how to laugh. For now he only stares, wide-eyed, as the man drops the boy and falls on his knees, holding onto his groin with a whine. “You little bastard-- you’re fucking dead meat when I--”

He never gets to say another word, because the kid he’s been holding by the neck picks something up from the ground and screams. He swings that something in an arc through the air, heavy and made of metal. It meets the man’s bald head with a sickening crunch, the skull caves in, and he falls back without another sound. 

“WHO’S DEAD MEAT NOW, FUCKER!”

Another hit, another, and another. Edward doesn't remember standing, but he must have. Suddenly he’s up and grabbing the boy’s arm, stopping him from swinging the metal pipe again. “Stop it. Stop! He’s dead!”

He’s dead, dead, dead, I did it and I can never go back.

He expects a struggle, but there is none. The boy drops the pipe and turns to look at him, blue eyes wide under a mop of wet brown hair. Only later, when the sun dries them both, Edward will see it’s sandy blond.

“Ah, shit,” he says, and for just a moment his voice shakes. “I killed him, didn’t I?”

Tell them it was the Kraken, Edward thinks, and for a horrible moment he almost laughs. 

“We’ve got to get away from here,” he says instead. “Come this way, we can--”

“Well well. That looks an awful lot like what my ship cook would look like after going through a meat grinder.”

Edward stills, and so does the boy. They turn, slowly, to see a man standing over the corpse - and over them. A boot kicks the dead man’s side. “Must have been shitfaced drunk for two runts like you to take him down. How do you plan to pay me back for this loss, precisely?”

Edward says nothing, mouth dry, still holding onto the boy’s arm and looks up. He cannot make out the man’s face. 

The first time he sees him, Benjamin Hornigold is nothing but a dark shadow in silver rain.

“I should shoot you both,” the shadow is saying. “But he was an asshole, and I could use another couple of cabin boys who can take down a man if needed.” A sharp tilt of his head. “You, what’s your name?”

“John Rackham,” Edward hears the boy say, and the shadow scoffs. 

“Well, I already have a John on board. So you’ll be Jack from now on. Objections?”

“No, sir.”

“Good. Do you have a family to say goodbye to, Jack?”

“... No,” he says. It sounds like a lie even to Edward’s ears, but the shadow doesn’t insist. 

Honestly, he probably wouldn’t have let him say goodbye either way. He just smiles, a flash of teeth in the dark. “Just how I like my men,” he mutters, and turns to Edward. “And you, what’s your name?”

Edward licks his lip, mouth dry. He has seen ships come and go his entire life, merchant ships as well as the occasional pirate ship port authorities turn a blind eye on for a bribe, but he’s never been on one. Still… he has no choice now, does he? This is why he was running to the docks in the first place. He has to leave, and the only way is by sea. By ship. This is his chance to disappear. 

And it only cost another man’s life. 

Laughter almost bubbles up his chest and throat, but Edward holds it down because he knows that if he laughs now, before this man, he’s as good as dead. So he looks up, face wet with rain, and speaks. 

“Edward.”

“Edward what?”

“... Just Edward. I don’t have a family,” he adds. Somewhere out there is a woman nursing a bruised face, wondering when her beast of a husband and her son are coming home, but now they’re both gone - the Kraken got them - and there’s just him left, and he can never go back. 

She’s better off without.

As with Jack, the shadow doesn’t question him. “Hm. Well, damn common names you’ve got. I’ve got another Edward too, and it seems much too long for a shrimp like you. So Ed it is.” A wave of his hand, beckoning them to follow, and they obey. They will keep obeying for a long time. What choice do they have?

Benjamin Hornigold walks to the docks in pouring rain, and Ed follows.

***

When Izzy woke up, he was still feverish and he could hear rain. 

There was no window in the room he’d been put in, but rain was drumming loud above him, so he could only guess he was put into one of the rooms in the attic. Not a stupid decision: the only way in there would be up the stairs, and a few men with rifles could easily fend off an attack from the vantage point. 

And he was sure Pinocchio had placed plenty of men on each floor, weapons at the ready. They’d taken down plenty, but the bastard had brought in half a fucking army. If the crew tried to storm in, they’d be utterly fucked. 

They won’t. They’re not so stupid, he thought, but even as the thought crossed his mind he knew there had to be a limit to willful delusion. They’re probably not so stupid. But they won’t come. They must think I’m dead. Someone must have seen me get shot. 

It was what he wanted to believe, sure enough. The best possible scenario: not one member of the crew would die for his sake, not because they didn’t care but because they didn’t know he was alive. He could go with that, hold onto that thought until the trapdoor opened beneath him and he hung by the neck for a crowd of cunts in Kingston.

Or maybe they know, and still won’t come. 

Enough. Don’t go there.

Izzy shook his head, trying to dispel the thought, and tried to shift on the bed. He was still sluggish, much too warm, and whatever the ship surgeon gave him must have worn off, because his bandaged wound was hurting like a bitch. But he was alive, mind passably clear, so it looked like the fever was not going to do him in after all. 

Bit of a pity, that. He’d have loved to stop being a chess piece in Prince Cunty’s hands.

Izzy groaned and let his head drop back on the pillow, staring at the ceiling. What time was it? What day was it, how long had he been out? He had absolutely no idea. He could tell he was still really fucking thirsty and now also really fucking hungry, but he had probably pissed Noseless off enough he’d leave him to--

“What are you doing here?”

A voice on the other side of the door, barely muffled. Izzy craned his neck to look at it, not too surprised to find there were officers standing outside it, too. There was another voice, lower, more mumbled.

“Ugh, so we’re feeding him now?”

“Guess little Prince Ricky doesn’t want to hang a corpse in Kingston. Let him through.”

The door opened, and some kid walked in, closing the door behind him. Well, not quite a kid, but not a man either. The uniform didn’t quite fit him right, he had pimples across both cheeks, and was avoiding his gaze. He was carrying a tray with a glass of water and some bread. Izzy sneered.

“Do I get my own maid now?” he muttered, and the boy looked up. 

“I’m no maid,” he protested, with a thick yet annoyingly familiar accent Izzy could place in three seconds flat. Look at that, all this way from London - another dweller of the city’s shit pits beyond the Tower. “I’m--”

“A powder monkey,” Izzy cut him off, and the boy flushed red. 

“I’m learning to be a seaman--”

“And until you do, you’re the monkey fetching gunpowder on the ship. Now give me the tray or fuck off.”

A sharp intake of breath, and for a second the brat looked like he could cry, but in the end he placed the tray on the bed, where Izzy could reach with his free hand, and quickly stepped back. They had told him he was dangerous, more likely than not, but even if he’d been in any condition to harm him, Izzy couldn’t be bothered. 

All he could do now was make an effort to sit up as much as the manacle and his wound allowed, grab the glass of water, and drink. His parched throat almost spasmed, but he forced himself to swallow and then drank more, to the last drop. Maybe seeing him drinking so desperately made him look less dangerous, after all, because the monkey gathered the courage to speak out, standing to his full height. 

It was not a lot, but it wasn’t like Izzy was the one to speak there. 

“I’ll have you know,” he declared, trying and failing to imitate the way of speaking of much higher class officers, “that my duties on the ship take skill.”

“No, they don’t,” Izzy replied, grabbing the piece of bread and biting into it. It was stale and rubbery, but he’d take it. He heard the monkey’s protests over his own chewing. 

“What would you know!”

“That’s how I started out,” he replied through his mouthful, and swallowed. “A powder monkey on the HMS Riptide.”

“Ah.” A pause, a little uncertain. Izzy had time enough to chew and swallow another couple of bites before he spoke again. “I heard some men say you used to be in the Navy.”

“... It was a long time ago.”

“Then what happened?”

Izzy didn’t reply right away. Another bite, and the bread was gone. Hunger was somewhat quelled, but the thirst sure as hell was not. “If you want the tale, get me more water,” he said. “Or you can fuck off.”

A scowl, and the monkey want to take the tray, once again stupidly skittish for someone dealing with a bed-bound man who’d been deliriously feverish until that morning, with a hole in his gut, missing a leg, and with a wrist manacled to the bed frame. He hesitated a moment, glancing at the pitcher on a table at the far side of the room… then set his jaw and marched to the door, not sparing him a second look. 

How easily offended, kids those days.

Izzy leaned back with a groan, closed his eyes, and tried to sleep. Listening to the rain helped, to some degree; it kept his mind from wandering to the crew, what they may be doing, whether they may be foolish enough to return and fall right into a trap. 

And it kept it from memories of a very long time ago, when he’d looked up at Captain Benjamin Hornigold and - still tied to the mast, back a bloody mess from the interrupted flogging, the corpses of his comrades littering the deck - he’d asked if he happened to be hiring.

***

[Back to Part 1]

[ritalacochona]

So I am going to try to parce through my Our Flag Means Death Season 2 premier.

Episode 1: Impossible Birds

The dream sequence is amazing. I love that his subconscious will not let him get off light. Izzy saying "I didn't make you leave him" like the most spurned lover. Aaaah. Ed never actually saying they are OK.

So much in this episode. So many moving parts. I like Stede’s working but I am surprised he still appears to be the defacto leader despite Olu being named captain.

Olu and Zheng Yi Sao: I want to like them. I really do but they don't have time to flush out this little flirtation. I think they should pick Olu and Zheng or Jim and Archie to focus on. They have such little air time to have them catch up to the last seasons canon couple chemistry/back stories. I also hope that her motivation saving the crew was more than her crush on Olu. She is such a power house it feel incongruous that she would be so easily swept up with no build up to their thing. I like Auntie though.

Jim is so good this season. They were the least likely too, but they actually bought into what the Revenge did. They care for their crew mates, even Izzy. The little wooden boy voice for Fang! Their fighting, the new look! The only thing I am still not sure of is Archie. So far I haven't gotten much from her personality other than she likes Jim.

Frenchie is amazing. Funny, and yet he has these moments where the cracks bleed through. Especially after he is made first mate. So good.

Fang is breaking my flicking heart. He has been with Ed even longer than Izzy.

The Kraken. When I first saw the spoilers especially Izzy scene that was sent out I was worried they would not be able to balance how bad he was with his emotional core, but boy was I wrong. Taika Waititi paints this hopeless sorrow that you can feel. He is so funny when it's called for but he is truly beautiful just him, the camera, and his expressions.

ED AND IZZY. WHAT! YOU HAVE LOVE FOR HIM! WHAT! In my wildest dreams I never thought they would go in so hard with these two so fast. I remember reading angsty fic about their dynamic and thinking " they would never make it this dark." Actually the " take off your boot" scene is so traumatic/sad/slight sexy 🫠 😳 😔 . I am screaming. I knew Con and Taika had chemistry but they are so good together, their scenes are electric.

Stede Bonnet you beautiful bastard. I love that everyone keeps thinking he is stalling for fear of being killed but the truth is he doesn't want his hope for reconciliation dashed. What everyone warning him away doesn't understand is that he is a man who is experiencing breath-stealing, soul binding love for the first time in middle age. His devotion to Ed is unmarred by what he has done.

Spanish Jackie as always is amazing. Her use of "husband" is similar to Nandor (WWDITS). Her getting Swede is great too. I love Leslie Jones. Only issue is because the episode is so full you could almost take the Olu and Zheng storyline and put that over the Jackie bits or vis versa.

Prince Ricky...I am not convinced. So far he just seems like he has all of Stede worst traits. If he is going to be the big bad this season it's going to have to be some big twist.

Overall I loved the episode. I am so looking forward to more time with my pirates and I NEED more Izzy.

[lights-at-night]

k so in light of the new ofmd trailer (:DDDD !!! <333) i must yeet my thoughts here

so at some point, stedes gonna be in china. idk how he would end up there, but its before his reunion with ed, which is probably where we pick up that new susan character

ed is absolutely not dealing with the breakup well. hes shown crying (again), states he had a bad night, and the whole “no more booze, no more drugs and no more stede” part implies he absolutely got high and blackout drunk. when did he do this tho? it could have been the night directly after the breakup, which is possible, but what i think is he did thing at 0:26 and went full blackbeard for a day, then had a super-mental-breakdown at night after he did a bunch of piracy. cmon he had it coming dude got abandoned by the first person to value him as he was and after coping well was promptly told by his like oldest friend to act like the media version of himself again and then killed a guy+ and probably more. 

where did the pearls ed is wearing come from? i think hes wearing them at the scene where they raid a wedding and also above picture, idk. he wasnt wearing them in the last appearance in s1 right? i wish for a timeline when did he get those 

anne bonny!! she and someone are here. (lesbians?)maybe stede and ed are reconnecting with the wider pirate community and they accidentally reunite. but thats unlikely considering the “ED!” *slap* part, but that could also be afterwards. Aaaaaaaaaa

why are people fighting at spanish jackies bar 

and someone is yote into the water. i have a feeling its ed bc of the silhouette, but im not sure. It would be fun if lucius like revenge-pushed him in tho 

OKAY MY MASTER CONSPIRACY (not really) 

what with all the british fancy army dudes and “to is the end of piracy” or something, and now “we have one shot to get out of here”, i think they got captured by the english. blackbeard escaped and broke the act of grace contract, which aint a good look for them. so itd make sense if they were to go after the revenge. now they get captured, as its implied in that part that the crew are breaking out of somewhere.

see they are fighting at 1:29

 ALSO KEY THING in 1718 

(https://blogs.loc.gov/law/2022/12/stede-bonnet-and-the-golden-age-of-piracy-part-two/) 

i think the endy bit of ofmd might follow what seems to have happened historically! which…might not be the best thing. 

because the historical stede bonnet dies dec 10, 1718. 

…

i hope that doesnt happen. 

at 1:12: doesnt the guy in white look like the guy ed (tries to?) shoot in the teaser?? something gives me hornigold vibes i think i saw a post about it idk

the only thing my brain came up with for why theyre all wearing garlic and doing the cross at 1:17 was vampires. 

a party definitely happens at some point, love it 

also pretty minor thing but someone does drag in there and i would like to proudly state that i called it a week ago (@queers-of-marybelltownship and @photogenic-strawberry can confirm this) 

someone is swinging between two ships. is this a new way to board ships? man i dont know well just have to see

izzy dealing with the english again is probably going to happen but with the whole “you dont know the first thing about piracy its not about glory its about belonging to something” line i doubt it will be with malicious intentions towards our intrepid protagonists again

i think - i hope - blackbeard dressing in plainer clothing at the end of the trailer as opposed to allllll the black leather is a sign that he and stede have made up and are chill. 

in this season there will be lesbians/sapphics

and may we just admire jims new look 

thats it thank you for reading all 6 hundred and something words of this byeeeeeee

(hope that made sense bc when i copy pasted this from docs all the pictures got removed :’))

[fallenrocket]

#HuntForThePirateHome Watch Party

(crossposted from my twitter)

Hunt for the Wilderpeople reflects a common theme in Taika Waititi's work, and in OFMD, about people's perceived worth/capabilities. It's easy to look at someone from the outside and call them a "bad egg" or an idiot/failure.

But with love, affirmation, and understanding, people are so much more than that. It's funny when Paula sums up all of Ricky's delinquency, but it's also so sad that she's pre-decided his kid's entire future, boxing him in before he's even started.

***

I'd forgotten that Oscar Kightley was in this. He was one of my favorite parts of Next Goal Wins!

***

In a weird way, Bella is a bit like Stede after his reunion with Ed. She's thrilled to have Ricky there and eager to lavish him with everything he could want, but she's also cognizant of what he's been through and trying to respect his space.

***

"I'm so happy we found you, buddy. I'm sorry it took so long." 🥹

***

"He's tricky like that, Jesus"--lol, I love it.

***

Taika is so good at setting up little visual things that pay off later in the film, creating a great narrative moment without any dialogue. It's such a gut punch when Ricky pulls back his blankets and the hot water bottle isn't there.

***

I love this movie. Every element is just wonderfully executed. The acting, dialogue, camera work, music choices, even the chapter titles--they all serve to enhance the story the film is telling.

***

"Do you want me to go find help? ...I'd die, wouldn't I?"

Julian Dennison is so great as Ricky. Taika's gift for casting/directing kids is impeccable, he never misses.

***

The most heartbreaking thing about Ricky's story about Amber is that we the audience (and Hec) understand what really happened better than he does. Brilliant scene, gaahhhh!

***

"'Faulkner is Cauc... Caucasian.' Well they got that wrong, 'cause you're obviously white." Love that line!

***

I love Ricky's "he made me do stuff" monologue. It's common to have one character innocently say something that sounds completely wrong to another character, but it's rarely done with such finesse. Nothing Ricky says sounds forced for the sake of the joke.

***

I like Ricky and Hec's conversation about "majestical" vs. "majestic." I relate to that feeling of knowing a word isn't "proper" but using it anyway because it feels closer to what I want to say than the real word.

***

@netflix is a great platform for Hunt for the Wilderpeople. It would pair wonderfully with Our Flag Means Death, another hilarious, heartfelt story with a unique vision whose amazing cast features some talented Polynesian actors! Won't you #AdoptOurCrew?

***

"She wanted to save us poor wretches when no one else wanted us, like rescue dogs"

This is a line that could easily be uncomfortable and patronizing. But we've met Bella, so we know that this is true in the sincerest way possible.

***

Paula is a subtle Miss Trunchbull, change my mind.

***

Oh god, poor Zag--you were a good dog. 😢

***

"I was trying to tell you it was like The Lord of the Rings!"

Ricky Baker has never done a single thing wrong in his life, your honor.

***

"Don't even get me started on the national rugby team! They're not human."

Psycho Sam has entered the chat!

***

Okay, so Frenchie would absolutely believe the same conspiracies as Psycho Sam, but he'd also be like, "Take it easy, man, alright?"

***

It's hard for me to pin down my favorite Taika film, but I think Hunt for the Wilderpeople is his quintessential film. While his onscreen role is small, it's like concentrated Taika Waititi, and it's the one I'd use to introduce people to his work.

***

@netflix, Hunt for the Wilderpeople is about finding a place to belong after you've been rejected

Our Flag Means Death, which is also about belonging, was rejected by its former streamer

You could #AdoptOurCrew and give this diverse, critically-acclaimed show a new home!

[something-about-sunflowers]

Anyway! Have some rambling about an AU I thought of in my discord server a while back (mostly just gonna copy/paste it lmao):

Ed's super into paranormal shit, runs one of those youtube channels that reads stories/shows videos of hauntings/etc. He desperately wishes for something paranormal to happen to him. His best friend/fwb/'whatever they got going on', Izzy, is a skeptic.

Ed's new boyfriend, Stede, insists that he's a medium and that there's something haunting Izzy's house. Izzy always has an explanation though. (The lights are flickering because the place is old as shit and the electricity is shot. There are cold spots because the windows are drafty and the house isn't well insulated The creaks and thumps are the house settling or animals in the crawl-space. Etc.)

Ed calls him a buzz-kill but ultimately lets him be with his explanations until something happens that could have legit hurt Izzy (Honestly not sure what yet, maybe something falls that shouldn't have been able to or he gets locked in the basement all night in the middle of winter? Something like that.) and Ed is worried so he asks his other friend, Jack (who has his own youtube channel, where he does paranormal investigations as a medium), to come over and have a look to see if he can help.

Izzy thinks they're all full of shit but Jack agrees to not record it for his channel so Izzy lets Ed have this because 'I care about you Iz. I know you don't believe in all this shit but I'm worried and it would just make me feel better, letting you keep staying in this place, if someone came and looked at it.' and Izzy can't say no to that.

Izzy's surprised Jack isn't more like Ed (who's got the whole goth aesthetic) or Stede (who's got the whole 'white gay appropriating other people's cultural myths for clout' vibe) but just a normal (if a little frat-like) dude.

Jack's understanding of him being a skeptic and doesn't try to convince him, just talks about what he is thinking and feeling. He even commends him for checking the practical possibilities first (had the place tested for black mold/replaced the co detectors/etc) and he keeps getting little digs in at Stede so he lets them keep doing their thing without much fuss.

So he's not as dickish as he could be when he's told 'Yeah I mean, Steve's picking up on something, but man he's just barely dipping his pinky-toe in it to be honest? My heebies are fully jeebied!'

Stede starts to object about the name but Ed jumps in with a 'So the house is haunted?'

And Jack's like 'No. Whatever's here, it's not here for the house. It's here for Izzy.'

(I don't have much of the in between, because I like concepts but am notoriously bad at following through, but the gist is: Izzy gets full on possessed at some point, they all manage to save him, and afterwards Jack takes him out on a date to Waffle House.)

[helloimjennsco]

Change of Pace

Chapter 1: A savior comes from out the skies in answer to their pleas

—————

Queen Anne’s Revenge needed a new drummer.

Jack had stormed out in a huff three months ago after another in a long line of screaming matches with Izzy over not overpowering the guitars and hadn’t returned. Izzy insisted he’d come crawling back eventually, but Ed had his doubts. Fang was doing a bang up job as a temporary stand in at their latest gigs, but Ed could tell from the way he looked over at his guitar case at practice with a longing sigh that they couldn’t go on like this for much longer.

After exhausting their network and coming up empty, even Izzy agreed that it was time to do what they never expected a band of their stature to ever have to do again—they booked a local venue for the day and held open tryouts.

It went about as well as they expected, which was badly. The usual suspects turned out in droves—teenage metalheads with passion and the beginnings of skill who weren’t quite there yet; aging rockers aiming to recapture their glory days by dusting off their rusty rhythm skills. There’d been a few promising options: a tattooed 25-year old with blue hair and solid skills, but a pop-punk background. A solemn, middle-aged Latina woman who kept incredible time but played too softly. But with only an hour left, Ed was about ready to call it. They’d tried.

He’d stepped back in from a smoke break and heard Izzy’s voice, sharp with irritation, punctuated by a softer, higher pitched voice that sounded confused at first before shifting to match Izzy’s tone. He rounded the corner for a closer look.

Izzy stood with his back to him, hands on his hips before the last man Ed would have ever expected to turn up at an open audition for a metal band. The man was tall, blond, and good-looking, dressed in the slim cut jeans and and polo shirt of an off-duty dad. His immaculate Vans high tops and the well-worn drumsticks clutched in his fist, however, suggested he knew exactly what he was here for. Ed stepped forward, clearing his throat, and both men’s eyes snapped over to him.

“What’s going on, Iz?” Ed asked.

Fang & Ivan had left around 15 minutes ago when it didn’t look like anyone else was coming, but he regretted sending them home now—would have been nice to have some backup, judging from the ‘get a load of this fucking guy’ look Izzy just shot him.

“THIS guy says he’s here to tryout for drums. And as I already explained to him,” Izzy said, glaring back at the now affronted-looking blond man, “tryouts are now closed. So piss off, you’re too late.”

“The flyers said tryouts ended at six,” the man pouted. Adorable, Ed thought.

“Izzy, c’mon,” Ed sighed. “The flyers did say six, and he’s already here. Don’t be a dick.”

Ed turned to look back at the blond man, whose eyes now glowed with the hope of a golden retriever staring down a snack. “I’m Ed,” he said, extending a hand. “What’s your name?”

The man smiled at him, wide and dazzling, and took Ed’s hand in his impossibly soft one for a solid handshake. “Hi, I’m Stede.”

“Steve?”

“Er, no, STEDE, actually. With a D.” The apologetic set to his mouth now suggested that this was something he had to say a lot.

“My bad, man,” said Ed with a warm smile. “Nice to meet you, Stede. You been drumming long?”

Stede’s eyes lit up in excitement. “Only a few years, but I’ve had a lot of time on my hands since the divorce. Plenty of time to practice when the kids are at their mother’s.”

Ed ignored the swoop of disappointment in his gut that attended Stede’s words and hitched his smile up higher in response. “Well, I’m excited to see what you have to show us today. You like metal, then?”

Stede looked thoughtful. “Not at first, admittedly. But I found out fairly quickly that it’s the most fun to play, so I’ve been broadening my horizons a bit more lately.” Izzy scoffed from behind him—Ed ignored him.

“That’s fine,” said Ed pointedly. “S’not a requirement.”

Stede looked a little embarrassed nevertheless, twisting his drumsticks nervously in his hands. “I know I don’t exactly look the part,” he said softly, “but I really do love playing. I’d like to play with you and your band, if you’ll have me. It’s…always been a dream of mine.”

“You and every other boring middle-aged fuck we’ve seen today,” Izzy grumbled, not quite low enough for it to count as ‘under his breath.’ Ed shot him a glare and he held up his hands in mocking surrender before crossing them in a huff. Ed turned back to Stede.

“I’d love to see you play,” said Ed, clapping him warmly on the shoulder. He was surprisingly solid under that dorky, but expensive-feeling polo shirt. Ed settled into the chair by the sound booth and gestures for Stede to climb the stairs to the stage and sit behind the drum kit.

“What song are you playing?” Ed asked. “I’ll queue it up.” Izzy sidled up next to him, opening his mouth to speak before—

“Painkiller by Judas Priest, please.”

The words died on Izzy’s lips, his sneer dropping into a look of pure shock before shifting into indignation. “There’s no fucking way you can play that fucking song,” Izzy snarled.

“I assure you I can,” Stede sniffed primly.

“Bold choice there, mate,” Ed said, hiding his surprise only a little better than Izzy had. “Excited to hear what you do with it.” Ed found the track and hit play. And then Stede…well, there was no other word for it.

He transformed.

His charming, affable face went steely with focused resolve and, for the first time since his arrival, he went completely still. He launched into the famously difficult drum intro with furious precision—

—and absolutely fucking nailed it.

Ed’s jaw dropped. Out of the corner of his eye, he was dimly aware of Izzy doing the same. But he wasn’t watching Izzy. He was watching a hot, blond, rich suburbanite-looking dad named Stede play the absolute shit out of the drums.

Stede didn’t miss a single beat for the entire six minutes. His brow furrowed with concentration, swaying his entire body with feeling, making it all look effortless. He even scaled back the volume during the guitar solos—it was exactly what they needed from Jack and never got. When he finished the blistering closing drum solo, he exhaled, long and low, and flashed Ed his charmingly lopsided grin once more.

“So?” He asked, pleased but anxious. “What did you think?”

Ed didn’t even look at Izzy before replying—“You’re in.”

“But—“ Izzy started.

“I’ll text you the rehearsal schedule.”

Stede’s smiled, another wide, sunny number that made Ed’s mouth go dry. “I suppose you’ll need my number for that, hey?”

Oh, now that was a look, wasn’t it? Ed felt a glimmer of hope return to him.

Ed met Stede’s glittering hazel eyes with a knowing smirk. “Suppose I will.”

—————

This was originally a twitfic that I then posted to AO3 because Twitter is sinking into the sea. Now I’m posting it here as well! Come say hi, I’m metavenhorst on AO3 and Twitter.

P.S. there’s also an excellent podfic of the first two chapters by @lindie-kninjaknitter !!

[viktorybell]

Extra Room

GentleBeard (Stede Bonnet x Edward Teach from OFMD)

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: lil bit of angst (BUT MOSTLY FLUFF), brief mentions of pirate-y (pirate-esque?) violence. It’s Blackbeard, yall know what you’re getting into.

Prompt: 20 Fluffy Dialogue Prompts (created by novelbear) #14 “sad…i have a blanket with all this extra room and no one to share it with.”

“Has anyone seen Edward? We were supposed to go gallivanting in the Republic of Pirates this evening?” Stede calls out to his busy crew that was halfway through the ship's store of liquor. It’d been a long week of escaping the British fleets that still constantly sought after the captains and crew of the Revenge, and they were finally able to go to port after a particularly tense run in with Spanish merchants in cahoots with the king.

“Gall-er-vanting? What’sat even mean?” Wee John mumbles where he’s half asleep atop a pile of ropes.

“I think it’s something to do with horses, yeah? Or a pony? Can’t tell the difference to be honest,” Frenchie muses. He’s curled into John’s side, snatching the rum bottle out of his hand and stealing a swig.

“Nay, I believe tis a species of jellyfish,” Buttons interjects where he’s staring over the railing at the slowly rising moon. Without warning, he spins around to stand directly under Stede’s nose. “If Cap’n Blackbeard is missing, I’ll gladly be your guide. I know many a jellyfish. Personally, even. The moon is ripe and the fish are f-”

“That’s quite enough, Mr. Buttons, but I do appreciate the offer,” Making a quick exit from that particular conversation, Stede addresses the group again. “Seriously, you guys! Have any of you seen Ed at all??”

“Not in a bit, no,” Lucius rolls his eyes, pulling himself from where he was oh-so importantly perched on Black Pete’s lap, staring into his eyes and whispering who knows what into his ear. The same thing they did almost every night. “Don’t even think of dragging me along to the Republic as your sexy, little assistant again. I still have nightmares about Spanish Jackie’s and the way that nose jar smelled when you shattered the thing into a million little pieces.”

“Yes, thank you, Lucius. We all remember! Haha, very funny! You don’t have to keep bringing it up,” Stede huffs haughtily, his nose up in the air as he turns toward his captain’s quarters. Obviously his crew was busy with much more important matters, not that he’d expect any of the bunch to know where Edward was when he didn’t want to be found. Stede would have sought out Oluwande and asked him, but Jim and him had snuck into their private quarters an hour ago. And last time Stede went and knocked on their door out of the blue, Jim had thrown a dagger through it and took an inch off his bangs.

So. That was a no-go.

Pushing aside the heavy door to his quarters, he’s greeted to the sight of his dark and empty sitting room. It was much less lavish than when it was first built, all of his bells and whistles torn and thrown into the sea after his and Ed’s…brief break up. Gilden decorations and lost books aside, Stede rather liked the new vibes. It was a reminder of who he was and who he’s become all in one. A reminder of his new life with Edward, the one he almost abandoned for a wife and children who were far better off without him lingering around their estate like some miserable, half-dead ghost. It was bitter sweet but functional and, best of all, fitted with a bed large enough for him and his co-captain to share.

A bed that was suspiciously more rumpled than it was before Stede left to speak with his crew, Ed’s favorite pillow missing.

While he and Stede were back together and working on better communication, Edward still had his share of bad days. Days where he felt more Legendary Kraken than man. Where there had once been boiling hurt and burning anger, now remained embers of shame. Shame over trashing Stede’s ship, shame over ditching Stede’s crew, shame over letting Izzy get to him so badly that he nearly killed Stede when they reunited. Shame that manifested in Ed hiding himself away in random holes throughout the ship, isolating himself as a form of punishment.

It was something that Stede was trying to help Edward with, but it could be hard to help someone who didn’t want to be found. Luckily for Stede, though, he could at least narrow down his love’s hiding spot to somewhere in his quarters. An added bonus was his lack of lavish decorations left Ed very few spaces to sequester himself away in.

Silently creeping through his room, Stede avoided creaky spots in the wood flooring as he glanced around his cabin. The fireplace was empty, as was their bed, and underneath the couch. It might seem ridiculous to look in places so small, but after the last month, Stede knew that if it could even slightly fit Edward? The man would find a way to hide away in there when you least expected it.

To his left, out of the corner of his eye, Stede noticed the hidden door to his wardrobe cracked just barely open. It was the only place in his quarters that had been untouched, even when Edward was dead set on throwing out any other reminder of Stede. Immediately he ceased his tiptoeing around and walked forward towards the bed.

“Shame that my darling Edward’s up and disappeared on me,” Stede projects, hopefully loud enough to reach into even the farthest corner of the closet. He flops backwards onto the bed, being sure to make as much noise as he can as he kicks off his heavy boots and settles in.

The bed in the ship’s window is the only thing on the ship that has remained a true luxury. Even more so after Edward began sleeping in it as well. Who would have guessed that the most feared pirate of all seven seas had a penchant for fleece blankets softer than you could imagine and plush pillows you could push into just about any shape you wanted. The infamous Blackbeard was stubborn and embarrassed about any other sign of luxury, but the draw of a comfy bed to crawl back to after a long, hard day was just too irresistible.

“It truly is sad…I have a blanket with ALL this extra room and no one to share it with…” Stede laments, grabbing the corners of one of Edward’s favorite blankets and rolling up in it. For a moment, he’s silent. Holding himself as still as possible to listen past the soft crush of waves against the Revenge, so that he might hear any sign of life from in the wardrobe. His answer is the sound of the wardrobe door finally clicking shut all the way. So much for that idea.

Stede slides out of bed, keeping Ed’s thick, warm blanket tight around his shoulders. As much as he’s striving to make things right between them, struggling to make up for his mistakes. It’s always a shot in the dark for him. Never in his life has he had this much to lose, this much to love. It was partly why he had run, it’s terrifying having your heart beat outside of your chest in the hands of somebody else. Even now there was a sickly, frightened voice from the back of his mind. It was yelling at him to head back out to the deck. Edward hates him and he’s only going to make things worse by pushing and pushing until Ed pushes back and they’ll be right back to square one.

Ignoring that small voice, Stede pushes forward and stands outside the hidden door.

What good has running away EVER done him?

Knocking lightly on the door, Stede clears his throat and asks, “Ed? May I come in?”

On the other side of the door there’s silence. For over a minute! Stede’s practically shaking where he stands, the sick voice in his head getting louder and louder. This was a mistake! Of course he doesn’t want to see you! This is all your fault, you weak-hearted, soft-handed, lily livere-

The door to the wardrobe quietly clicks back open.

Letting out a breath he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding, Stede slumps a little. That had been a tense moment! Probably the most nervous he’s been all week! Which is saying something, he’s a pirate, you know.

He waits for the door to open further, for Edward to say something, make a noise, anything. Nothing goes on beyond the door opening just an inch. It’s small, but it’s enough for Stede.

The wardrobe is near pitch black when he toes the door aside and quickly closes it behind himself. As much as he adores his crew and always maintains an open door policy for any brave soul who might need to talk out their tangled emotions from their latest battle…well, nobody really even came into his room to do that. And right now Lucius whining about something or other or a bizarre bird related rant from Buttons was the last thing that would help him and Edward’s precarious situation.

Not sure he’d be able to make it more than a step or two without falling ass over elbows, Stede sits with his back to the door, blanket still snug around his shoulders.

“I’m not stupid. I know what you were trying to do out there,” Ed rasps after five minutes in silence. Edward could sit in silence for hours, maybe even days when it meant waiting out a particularly stubborn adversary. He’s used to playing strong and sullen and silent, but there’s just something about Stede not running his mouth for longer than a few seconds that just unnerves the man. It has him fighting the urge to fill the silence himself, which he knows is exactly why the bastard does it. Gentleman Pirate, his ass. These were dirty tricks.

“I don’t think you’re stupid, Ed,” Stede says back, matching his love’s quiet tone albeit much gentler. The blonde desperately wishes he could see Ed in here. That he could reach out and tuck his hair behind his ear, pull him close, beg him to forgive whatever he did this time to make him disappear again. “What’s going on?”

From somewhere a few feet to his left, there’s shuffling and a quiet sigh. Then silence again.

“Is it-? Did I-?” Stede begins and is almost immediately cut off.

“Oh, please, Stede. It’s not all about you,” Edward huffs, a sharper rustling noise coming from his direction. Stede can almost imagine the other rolling his eyes and folding his arms across his chest in frustration.

“Fair,” Stede chuckles. That’s yet another thing they’re working on, Stede’s insistence that all things evil and wretched were his doing. Albeit usually Edward spoke about it in a much kinder tone than this, but Stede couldn’t blame him. Not when he was centering himself when Ed was the one suffering. “Then talk to me. Tell me what’s going through your mind.”

“I just-!” Edward starts loud, the noise sounding sharp in the small space between them, but cuts himself off with a strangled groan. It’s always like this, like a physical block in his chest preventing him from saying anything. His throat tight and his face burning, it makes him want to tear down the frilly shirts and jackets he can feel brushing against his shoulders. But same as Stede working on his own self-blame, Edward is working on not letting his fight-or-fight response take hold of him. “Does it EVER get easier?!”

This time it’s Stede that needs a moment to gather his thoughts. He feels woefully unqualified to answer that question. Just ten minutes ago he was internally tearing himself to shreds, contemplating running out to the deck and jumping overboard just to drown out the unceasing thoughts of self-doubt. He was still struggling, what right does he have to comment on if it gets better or not??

“I think it does,” Stede says quietly, surprising himself. “I mean, just look at us! Do you think a month ago you would have even entertained me coming in here while you’re like this? Or even speak to me?”

“Well, no, but…” Edward starts weakly, his half-formed protest dying almost immediately.

“There we go, proof!” Stede is grinning into the dark now, Ed can hear it in his voice. “I don’t think this kind of thing ever goes away, really…but it will get easier. The time will keep passing, and before you know it, you’re surrounded by family you never thought you could have. You’ll find that you haven’t struggled like you used to in a long time.”

It’s quiet in the wardrobe once Stede finishes his little speech. He politely pretends he doesn’t hear sniffling coming from in front of him. Without warning, Edward flops into his side, burrowing his way under the blanket still covering his shoulders.

“Where’d you learn all that, huh?” Ed mutters while Stede happily wraps an arm around his shoulders and tugs him in close. “Certainly not from any bloody pirates.”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I read it in a book somewhere, or maybe it’s just a universal truth. Who knows?” Stede sighs happily, feeling like a missing piece of him has been returned to its rightful place.

“Sounds like a crock of shit to me,” Edward teases back, not an ounce of sincerity in his voice.

“Oh, whatever! Seems to have done the trick just nicely,” Stede hums happily as he turns enough to wrap both arms around the other. Returning the embrace, Ed wraps his arms around Stede’s torso, burying his face into the space between his neck and shoulder.

“Sorry for screwing up the whole Republic idea you made,” Edward mumbles into the warm skin just above Stede’s collar. “Would’ve been proper nice to get in and old-fashioned bar fight. Might’ve even got to stab someone.”

“Ah, yes. Well, another time. Plenty of stabbings ahead of us, dear!” Stede’s a little less bummed about missing their evening in the Republic of Pirates now. While he’d done major change after starting his new life as a pirate, it wasn’t THAT much progress. “I think I’d rather like to stay in this evening, anyways.”

Making a soft noise of agreement, Edward sinks fully into Stede’s arms, going limp like a puppet with his strings cut. It makes Stede’s heart flutter almost painfully and it’s like suddenly he understands every trashy romance novel he’d ever snuck onto his bookshelves. For all the struggle and strife it took to maintain an actual relationship, the benefits largely outweighed any temporary discomfort.

“Ah, but maybe not on the floor of the wardrobe,” Sheepishly, Stede tries his best to shift his leg out from under where it’s pinned under Ed. “I think both of my feet are asleep.”

Edward laughs heartily as he sits up and shoves the hidden door back open. Hazey, burning light floods the once pitch space of the closet. It turns Edward’s eyes a honeyed orange that glows warmly as the two pirates stare at each other, positively love sick.

“Alright, old man, to bed with you!” Ed grins as he pushes himself to his feet and holds both hands for Stede to take. While it’s mostly just to help him to his feet when they’re filled with pins and needles, there’s the added bonus of being able to tug the blonde forward. Stumbling into Ed’s chest, Stede raises an eyebrow at him, unable to cut down on the lopsided smile the action brings to his face. “‘Sides, you’ve really sold me on the blanket thing. Looks mighty lonely on you.”

[some-anonymity-preferred]

Izzy Hands as an Old Guard Queer (spoiler: no he ain't)

The discussion of Izzy Hands as an old queer who cares about his pre-existing found family and is protecting his safe space from suspected narcs has been flickering through my feed, and it just keeps going on, and I just keep going no.

I grew up in the 70s and 80s in a Mexican-American family that included a great uncle who was openly gay enough that he brought boyfriends to the asadas, and also an uncle who was so deeply closeted and self-hating that he made my skin crawl.

My family did not discuss any of this openly, and I was young, so there's a lot that I missed. I don't know how my great uncle evaluated any new people that other family members brought to the party, or what actions he took to protect himself and his "friends" if a newcomer's vibe was off. Having been a queer adult myself for going on three decades now, I have some educated guesses. What I do know is that my great uncle was a deeply loved favorite, at least in my branch of the family, and he for sure never freaked out and called the cops on us, nor did anyone in the family do that to him.

My uncle, on the other hand. Woof. He was not well liked. He was a walking, talking caltrop bomb. He both complained about racial discrimination and was a consummate boot-licker. He never called the cops on an asada, either, but if I had to choose one family member I would never put it past? It would be him.

Which of those people sounds more like the Izzy Hands we see onscreen?

My vote is for Uncle Bad Vibes.

I don't know my great uncle's role in the gay community he lived in, but he sounds a lot closer to the idea of an old guard queer who lives quietly and quietly protects his own, doesn't he? And not like OFMD Izzy at all.

There is one fic I enjoy that does cast Izzy that way:

Izzy is literally cast in an avuncular role here. He is older than Ed and Stede. He owns a gay bar. His partner is in prison due to a past raid on said gay bar. He is protective of his bar and community, and he is suspicious of Stede. He's bitchy to Stede, he discusses his misgivings with Ed, he's not nice about it. He tries to pull rank, and it works in the narrative of The Reno Cure because he actually does have a position of some authority, vis a vis Ed. Which he does not (except in his own mind; and, in the world at large, as a white man) in OFMD.

But you know what Izzy does not do in The Reno Cure? He does not call the cops into his own damn bar to get rid of Stede.

I really cannot stress that enough. Protective Old Guard Gays do NOT call the cops. No one who is part of a marginalized community and prioritizes keeping that community safe calls the cops on that community. They may engage in a kind of policing within the community, and that may cause conflict with others in the community who are sick of respectability politics. That happens. All the time. I grew up with it. People I loved and admired did it. Sometimes they directed it at me. I still see it, among my co-ethnics and among fellow queers. I've done it myself, and I work not to. I've worked my entire life and will continue to work the rest of my life to make my peace with it. It is not and never will be the same thing as calling in the literal fucking cops.

I told myself I wouldn't write a long post, that I wouldn't get too deep into this. Whoops.

Nearly everything I've already written ignores the racial dynamics at play in OFMD and in the fandom. And I just can't do that.

The thing that set me off this morning was a new argument that basically says, "Ed doesn't care about his crew and Izzy does." Using, as proof, Ed's line that dying is kinda part of the pirate job, in response to Izzy pointing out that crew died because Ed pursued Stede onto the Spanish ship.

Ed and Izzy are already in the middle of an Old Marrieds' argument that started with the frankfurters. Ed is being dismissive to bait Izzy. Later, he expresses the exact opposite attitude toward the crew to Stede, also to bait Stede. Throughout most of that episode, Ed is a deeply unreliable narrator, and on this point I think it's because he truly feels both. He expresses passive suicidal ideation throughout, which jibes with the "part of the job" line, and he expresses burnout under the pressure of being Blackbeard to Stede. He chooses which element of his complex emotions to share according to what will rile up his given interlocutor the most.

But maybe big scary brown men aren't allowed to have complex emotions? I dunno.

There's that. But what really got under my skin was then thinking about the contrast between how Ed treats Ivan and Fang, with how Izzy does. I think a lot about how, in the snail fork scene, Ed outsources the violence he wants to inflict for the French captain's racial slight against him to Fang. The even bigger, even browner, big scary brown guy. And Fang acts like it's NBD, happens all the time. That is a whole essay in itself; all I want to do right now is lay out there that I clock that. It's bad. It's complex. It's realistic. And it's just about all the abuse Ed lays on either Fang or Ivan. (ETA: That, and Fang’s puppy. Part of me asks, Did Ed say get rid of it, or kill it? And did Izzy relay the order as get rid of it, or as kill it? Because:)

But Izzy? Yanks Fang's beard, does it all the time. Calls Ivan and Fang "the boys." Acts like he's the only Competent Adult in the room in a room (ship) full of non-white people. Acts like he's Blackbeard's keeper and that Ed could not live or function without him. Wants Ed to be the Big Scary Brown Man Fucking Viking Vampire Clown, wants it so much that he's willing to threaten his captain's life if he won't fulfill that role. (Loyalty to your captain my ass.) Gets off on having forced Ed to fulfill that role. Literally buys Ed from the British. Calls the cops on a ship full of non-white queers who are in no way harming him, unless it's by keeping Ed from performing as his big scary racialized fetish object.

Just fucking fuck. Seriously.

Also, not one single thing Izzy does in OFMD indicates that he thinks Stede is a narc. Not one single thing. If that reading were intended, I'd expect these very skillful, very deliberate writers to fucking indicate that. They do not.

The rest of that, though, that I described a couple of paragraphs ago? The mediocre white man with a superiority complex shit? The things that make Izzy a hair-curling, skin-crawling, fan-fucking-tastic antagonist? (not the goddamn hero, what the fuck is wrong with people) That is all there on the screen. So don't at me. Fuck.

[torc87]

OFMD season 2 Episode 8 critique

SPOILERS

Ok, so you know what else makes Izzy's death so frustrating to me? Others have spoken on narrative inconsistencies, the message it sends to disabled queers, the bad character arc, the wife fridging, etc.

But it annoys me from another side too. He died bc Stede's plan SUCKED.

Like, they had two, two master strategists. Ed and Zheng. They had Auntie and Izzy w their meticulousness. They even had the crew point out it was a bad plan. And they STILL did it?

Why?

Bc Stede was charming?

Ed had Shown us that in an emergency, he's in charge. He gainsays Stede's incompetent plans. He ordered the crew to raise the white flag in season one finale bc Stede's plan was suicide.

He immediately jumped to defend Stede when Low attacked.

If Stede is in danger, Ed defends him. He does not indulge him in letting him captain if his plan sucks.

Just as Stede does for Ed!

He stopped him from trying to one man murder the French party, he told him fishing was a bad idea.

These two have history of telling the other "Stand down, let me handle this"

So where was Blackbeard, master strategists? Or even Edward Teach, brilliant master of Fuckeries?

He Knows Stede is feeling overconfident.

And Zheng has No such compunctions. She thinks Stede is an idiot. She was there for his overconfident 'i can fight you' planking.

She plans things, is clever and strategic.

Was she out to lunch?

She let the crew, including her injured first mate, follow a plan that even the crew said was suicidal.

Why?

It makes no sense that Izzy, who cares for the crew, knows Fuckeries, is meticulous, tells Stede the truth, didn't say " hey, this is a bad plan. Let's let Ed and Zheng suggest something first, call this a last resort".

He saw that Stede, for all his Ned Low new competence, is overconfident and likely to end up planked.

Why?

So let me tell you now, exactly why I think it was a horrible, thoughtless plan , mirroring Stede's season one reclaiming the hostages plan.

Bc it was exactly the same thing.

Distract the British/Izzy w a head on attack, while more crew ambushes them.

And here is why it was foolish.

First off, Stede says "we have a hostage".

But he doesn't actually use Ricky like a hostage?

A hostage is someone you ransom for something you want. Stede made zero effort to do that.

He didn't let the British know "we have your prince, let us go or else he dies".

He didn't walk up to them w a knife at Ricky's throat and say "we walk onto the ship or else".

That is how you use a hostage.

If he wanted to try to trick the British into thinking they had orders to go away? Ricky could have written them and sealed them w his ring.

Bad idea too by the way. Ricky is an enemy. A clever enemy. He will try to give a sign to his men. If he writes the letter? It may have code or just be suspicious enough to put the British on guard. Same as w trying to force him to order the British back. He can, will, and did, try to signal the British. You can't stop him or know if he is being suspicious or even if he's a bad actor non deliberately and the Brits are suspicious anyway. It is foolish to hinge a plan on his cooperation.

Bringing him to the ambush is extremely dumb.

You aren't using him as a hostage - the British don't realize he is one bc you want to trick them into leaving, so they must think he's free. But he will try to double cross you, so bringing him to a straight ambush is foolish - it risks him giving it away. And gains nothing!

It was literally three seconds of the British being confused.

They could have accomplished that by running up to the British, in uniform, covered in blood, screaming in a panic about "they killed him, Blackbeard appeared, he shot them all" or something else suitably confusing and panic inducing. Same three to four seconds of confusion plus you get close to your enemy - easier to kill them before they can react. And yes, your other pirates can ambush at the same time or even first so the Brits don't know what side you are on.

Ricky? Isn't needed for that.

No reason to bring him and risk him giving away the plan, or even giving orders mid combat.

Makes more sense to cut out his tongue/fingers so he can't give orders and send him stumbling towards the Brits afterwards - adds to confusion, adds to fearsomeness, and gives the Brits something to do besides chase your ship down w their armada.

They could have gone the hostage route.

Sent an message to the British - a boat for Ricky. Played straight ....which the Brits would def have ambushed.

But you could also do a Fuckery.

Don't tell the Brits you want a boat so they don't know to guard them.

Ask the Brits for a pardon and gold and agree to meet somewhere and a. Ambush Them. Or b. Use the expectation that they will ambush you to gather them all in a difficult to ambush spot ( pirates know the island better!) While not actually being there and being by the now unguarded boats. C. Ambush the Brits when they scout out the negotiation location, small group by small group. D. Set up explosives where the Brits will be setting up their ambush and be by the boats yourselves to sail away. The explosion will attract more soldiers so the boats will be less guarded bc they don't know you are after a boat.

There is so much Room for Fuckery in there. And it would make a better plan.

Surely Ed and Zheng could come up w a better plan than 'distract the Brits w uniforms and then ambush them flat out'.

The fact that they didn't ...

That Izzy died for a stupid no plan that the whole crew said was suicide ...

It's really really frustrating.

He shouldn't have died bc that plan should have never happened.

[ltlemon]

Watch me scream about OFMD episode 7 for a little while (pt.2 to the first post, now with more italics) (this is just me live blogging the whole episode, so major spoilers obviously)

ok here we go boys! (gn)

wait hold on before I start I'm gonna make an educated guess here and say its gonna open on ed and stede in the morning, just hanging out in bed/maybe having breakfast. I'm calling it.

ok so not OPEN OPEN, but lets just say we're getting that in a short bit here (little sad I didn't get it right)

OHHH baby.... :(

he's throwing his old clothes overboard. :(

HE IS WEARING STEDE'S RING THOUGH. That's a good sign.

'bye-bye.' pleaase that's so cutee 🥺 he's finally letting go :')

WAIT IS THAT TOAST ON THAT TRAY??

I GOT IT HALF RIGHT THEN, IT OPENS IN THE MORNING DURING BREAKFAST

aaa he's carrying it in his mouth

wait where's he going

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT HE MADE-

HE MADE IT!!!?!? FOR THEM TO EAT TOGETHERQ?!??!?!?

I WAS RIGHT!!!! I WAS FUCKING RIGHT!!!!!!!!

YES!!! I AM NOT COMPETITIVE IN ANY WAY!!

okokokokok I need to watch this

ADHUYg HE DIDN'T HAVE TWO TRAYS FOR THE BOTH OF THEM HE JUST STOLE A BITE OF STEDES TOAST

he's so cat coded istg

god that is nothing. that's like,,,one piece of bacon that you broke up into three pieces.

he's trying his best

yeah what's with the twine.

omfg

I love him

HOLY SHIT HES TELLING HIM ABOUT THE MERMAID DREAM????

FSTAYFDSJAYHSGBMH IM FREAKING OUTAAAAAAA

THIS IS WHAT I LIVE FOR

HDJGHSAYDGHDJ SASSY IZZY??????

HE FUCKING CONGRATULATED THEM!?!?!?!?!

?????

(He's jealous)

I'm dying here

ohhhhh that title card is my favorite so far <3333

Ricky gave you a whole ass clock?????? wow he really is weird huh.

hi frenchie <;33

'knobs with a red knotty doo-dad' that sure was a sentence

HEEHEE YESS ADD ANOTHER TO THE POLYCULE

YEAHHHH!! WADDUP!?

not Archie pointing at Olu lol

poor dude :(

EEEEEEEEEEEE they're at a little table!! so small!!! so cute!!!

'I've never been stabbed 😌👆' wow 😃 that's a first 😁'

eeeeheeeheeeheeeheeeeeeee yeesssss talk about your letters little man !!

oh bbg you know what kind of letters, just look at him.

'just letters 😀'

BREAKING NEWS: HE LOVES IT!!! HE LOVES THAT HE DID THAT!!!!

oh hi who are you 🥺 I like you a lot

AWW stede's little 'what??' is so precious

THEY DIDN'T PAY!!! EEEEEEEE

THEYRE SO WHOLESOME!!! GAH!!!

OMG HES TRYING TO MAKE SURE HE STAYS SAFEAA

'not just my face 😬' 'oh wow 😮'

'yeah someones definitely gonna try to kill you 😀 enjoy the night! 😁'

this is reminding me of when they switched clothes and ed used that opportunity to show him how bad being Blackbeard could be. 'you wanted this, this is what it's like' sort of thing.

whooo Jackie looks good!! love the hair.

WHOAH THE SWEDE LOOKS EVEN BETTER! THE JACKET, THE HAIR??

He slays.

just like his wife 🥺

HAHAHA EVEN LUCIUS AGREES, HE GETS IT

god I love love love Lucius's mannerisms they're so fun

not frenchie starting another pyramid scheme 😞

sigh...ed's so pretty....he's not even doing anything right now and yet he is the most beautiful man ever

that is his man and he is famous

aww stede listened to himm, he's excepted like three different drinks and has only sipped them.

'Why you dressed like a dirty ass orphan?'

Jesus Jackie you didn't have to bash him that hard

aww their interactions are really sweet actually

OK NVM THE SWEDE BASHED HIM HARDER ('oh, Blackbeard...are you a poor now?')

JUST NOTICED THE SWEDES JACKET IS A CROP TOP THATS AMAZING

aww...stede's slowly turning into him, but ed knows how that ends...he's happy that he's opening up, but he's mostly worried for him....

aww no olu....

AWW JIMS VOUCHING FOR HIM

(Archie too, but her influence may not be helping....)

YAYY they're succeeding in adding her to the polycule it seems!!

ohhhh that interaction with ed and izzy is so sweet though

izzy still hasn't gotten over him has he

HOLY SHIT !! ??

HE JUST SET A MAN-

HE JUST SET A MAN ON FIRE????

SO NONCHALANTLY?????

SIR??

AND HE'S LAUGHING ABOUT IT??? HOLY SHIT???

If ed was here he'd be getting war flashbacks

that man. is dead.

OH NO HES TELLING ED

AWWWW AW NOO BBG

again, he's happy for him, but he knows where this is going, and he knows his days with stede are numbered, it can't stay like this. everything's going to go to shit, and he knows it. he knows it deep in his bones.

!!

oh. oh here we go.

oh....oh no......

🥺

HE'S LEAVING???

To be a fisherman???

man catches a fish once and decides to make it his job, that is the most ADHD thing ever.

ohhhh, oh no, does stede think he's joking....?

'you liked that fish, you said it was a good fish...! 🥺' I'm crying

NOOOOOO I'm watching this to RECOVER from GOS2 not feel the pain again!!! AAAAA

!!!!!!!!

HE'S NOT A COWARD YOU BASTARD AA

Is frenchie seriously selling planks from the ship?????

or are they just random planks maybe

awwww nooo is he seriously coping with a breakup by talking to his fans

'fucking off, sir' is a really good line. (also I love whoever that guy is he's really tall and buff and I just think that's neat)

HE THINKS HE'S A GOOD FREIND !!

AWWW

OH. MY. GOD. THEY'RE BONDING OVER ED.

THIS IS HOW IZZY SHOULD BE USED FELLAS

THIS IS IT.

they. they smiled at each other a little bit. :'))

AWWWWW JIMMM <33 they're so sweet.

all that stuff about killing all of his friends was, I believe, indeed a little but intense.

aw <3

the- the hand!! POLYCULE ACHIEVED!!!!!! YAY!! good job Jim!

wait. no polycule...? that scene was a bit vague but olu did say 'I'm gonna go with Zheng now' so...no polycule...? if that is true then I'm actually really sad about that because he seems to really like Jim....Olu has two hands guys this is the best possible outcome.

WAIT, BUT JIM IS BRINGING UP SHARING ROOMS WITH THE FOUR OF THEM....??

aw come on stede you're interrupting the moment, they're figuring stuff out rn

I mean he is a little justified she did try to murder like all of them just a little bit ago

but also like

there must be a reason your crew is being friendly towards her, you should ask them about it instead of doing whatever this is

oh my godd stede why are you like thiss

oh poor izzy...he's just watching...he suggested they go back to the ship before any fights broke out but no...stede has to get up and go pick on someone right in front of him;

'I'm going to pretend you didn't just touch your sword 😁' yeah me too

OH DAYUM SHE WENT LOW FOR THAT ONE HOLY SHIT

oh he's PISSED

'who told you that.'

oh baby boy people can guess stuff like that pretty easy with you guys

THAT GUY'S NAME WAS STEAK KNIFE???

NOO STEAK KNIFE </3

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE A DUMBASS STEDE

BEARS GET KILLED.

'draw' live izzy reaction: 'oh, bonnet...'

aww ole's little 'nice' when Zheng draws her sword is really cute

HAH! Man threw a whole ass bottle at her

OH NO ARCHIE !!

GET HIM JIM!!!!!

YEAH!!

IZZY JUST HIT A MAN WITH A CHAIR????

the crew of the revenge really does keep screwing up jackies whole deal huh. yeah they should go outside. go outside.

stede's such a bastard!! god!! why are you like this!!!???

she just hit his ass with a plank????

OH. SHIT.

IS SHE DEAD???

??????????????????????

ohh, roach is really cute.

but uh,, uhm,, uh anyways as I was saying,

IS SHE DEAD???? 'CAUSE IT SURE LOOKS LIKE THAT!!

There's no way two people in a show can get hit in the head with a cannon ball and survive there's NO WAY.

anyways.

I'm really normal right now, time to wait a week. 😀

[edactually]

Ed POV - 10.10

Even though his heart still ached, Ed felt a lot calmer walking into this band meeting after the text exchange with Stede. Their break up wasn’t real, it was all a game, but if Ed was forced to live through it, even playing pretend, then he was going to absolutely guilt the shit out of the ones who had wanted it.

He swiped his key card to Izzy’s room and stormed in wearing his tear-stained cheeks like a badge of honour.

The rest of the boys were already there, gathered on the massive couch and sipping coffee. Ed took careful note of each of their expressions as they took in the obviously fresh tears.

Fang looked distraught.

Ivan looked guilty.

Izzy looked pitying but resolute. Ed sensed that he could slap away that expression to find a smug one underneath.

He slumped onto the couch in a heap. “It’s done.”

Izzy and Ivan exchanged a look as Fang immediately hurled himself onto the cushion next to Ed and pulled him into one of his bear hugs. They didn’t hug often (mostly because Ed was too stubborn) but god, Fang gave great hugs. Ed let himself sink into the man’s soft chest and found he didn’t need to say a word as Fang was more than ready to speak on his behalf.

“Shame on you both!” Fang hardly ever raised his voice, and it made even Izzy flinch. “Ed finally finds someone who makes him happy, and the two of you force him to give that up for your own sake? How disgustingly selfish are you?”

“I never said he had to break up with Stede!” Ivan looked perplexed. “I just floated it out as an idea that maybe it wasn’t worth risking our entire careers on a relationship that’s so new! What if they went public and QAR went to shit and then they broke up a month later?”

Ed fought the urge to scoff. Would never happen. 

“We were supposed to take a break and come back with clear heads to discuss it properly!” Ivan looked genuinely worried and Ed did feel a tiny bit bad for letting Fang dump the blame on him like this, but he stayed silent. “We could have worked something out, Ed. We could have come up with a plan. We still can! Let’s talk about it and figure something out and then you can call Stede and–”

“No.”

It was the first thing Izzy had said and everyone looked at him, waiting for the venom to come pouring out. Izzy looked surprisingly relaxed. “What’s done is done. It is done, isn’t it, Edward?”

God Ed wished he had claws so he could shred Izzy to ribbons. “Yeah. It’s done.”

“Then Stede Bonnet is no longer an issue.” Izzy relaxed back against the cushions and took a long swig of his coffee. “We don’t even need to address it. If the two of you aren’t seen together again then people will stop talking about it, assume it was just a coincidence. Then Izzy paused, his brow furrowing as something occurred to him. “When you say it’s done, Ed, do you mean all of it? You didn’t agree to that ‘let’s stay friends’ bullshit, did you?”

He wanted to say yes just to piss Izzy off. Actually, he wanted to tell Izzy that he’d arrived here fresh from letting his still-boyfriend fuck his throat and the reason for his tears was because they were crying about how much they’d miss each other.

“It’s done. Relationship over, friendship over, we won’t be seeing each other again.”

And Izzy tried to hide it, but Ed caught the flash of his teeth as he smiled. It was quick and vicious but it made Ed feel like punching all of Izzy’s teeth down his throat for him to swallow like mints.

“So we don’t need to discuss the Bonnet issue any more. Onto more important matters,” Izzy swept on before any of them could interrupt to discuss Stede further. “Signing with the Badminton brothers.”

How fucking typical. Izzy thought that he’d manipulated Ed into doing what he wanted again. He really believed that he held so much control that all he had to do was snap his fingers and Ed would break up with his boyfriend because Izzy wished it. He probably thought he could do the same now - prey on Ed’s vulnerable state and get him to finally agree to sign.

Not a chance in hell.

“We aren’t signing with the Badmintons.” Ed said firmly. 

Izzy’s lip curled into a snarl. “I don’t think we have much choice. After you pulled your disappearing act last night, I came up to find Nigel Badminton with blood gushing from his face and people said you punched him unprovoked.”

“Wasn’t unprovoked.”

“I believe you. Badminton is a shit, but he’s a shit with money and connections. He knows how he can spin this in his favour and he knows he can use this against us. We can strike a deal that we’ll sign if he won’t press charges.”

“We aren’t signing. He deserved it. He’s a brute and bully and honestly I should have done way worse.” Ed watched as Izzy’s face turned that familiar shade of furious red that he was familiar with. One day he was going to get one of those paint swatch colour charts to hold up against his cheeks and work out exactly what to name it. “And before you explode, I doubt he’ll be pressing charges. Not if he doesn’t want everyone to find out all his sordid little secrets.”

Izzy still looked apoplectic with rage. Good. He deserved to have his plans ruined.

Ed sat up. “I’ll send you all the dirt I have on Nigel Badminton and you can tell him personally, Iz. Tell him that he won’t be pressing charges, he'll be releasing a statement saying that the punch was in response to inappropriate comments he made and is sorry for, and we won’t be signing with him, or everything gets leaked.”

Izzy was grinding his teeth together so hard that Ed wondered if they would crumble into dust. “Why me?”

Ed made a point of scrubbing away the tear tracks on his face. “I think it’s the least you owe me, given what I’ve just sacrificed for you.”

“Oh give me a break, Ed!” Izzy snapped. “So I told you to end a relationship you’ve had for five minutes. It was for your own good, not just the band’s!”

Ed got slowly to his feet. He felt Fang grabbing at his arm, trying to restrain him, but he yanked it free. Ed moved like a python, slow and methodical, scoping out its prey. He loomed over where Izzy remained seated, and if he’d had the ability, Ed would have coiled around the little man’s body and crushed him until his bones broke and his eyes popped out. 

“You made me give up Stede, who has made me the happiest I’ve been in years. Do not sit there and tell me your motives were anything but selfish.” He leaned in closer and had the absolute joy of seeing that Izzy looked genuinely scared. “It’s done, but if you ever try to control me like that again?”

He ran a hand through Izzy’s hair as tenderly as a lover might before grabbing hold and yanking his head back to expose his throat like Ed was a wolf ready to tear it out. “I’ll cut off your toes and feed them to you and I’ll fucking laugh while you choke.”

He shoved Izzy’s head with force as he released his grip and took a step back. The silence was deafening, and Ed could hear every tick coming from the clock on the wall.

“Any other business?” Ed asked coldly, and when there was no response, he walked towards the door.

He heard shuffling behind him, and when he was a few steps out of the room and into the hallway, he felt a hand clap onto his shoulder. Fang had followed him. His face held nothing but the most deep-rooted concern and Ed felt a pang of guilt in his chest that he hadn’t let Fang in on his and Stede’s plan.

“Do you want to talk about it, Ed?”

He offered a small, sad smile. “No. All I’ll say is that after you guys left, Stede came out of the bathroom and said he didn’t want to be the cause of such disruption. He’s the one who ended things.”

Ed hated blaming Stede, even fictionally, but Stede had insisted. Ed was so stubborn that it would only be believable if people thought Stede had been the one to end things, and the fact that the decision was fuelled by Stede’s own insecurity just added credibility to their lie.

He wanted to tell Fang the truth, that he and Stede were just pretending to have broken up, but Fang had never been any good at keeping secrets. He had accidentally leaked the band’s songs on more than one occasion, and it had been his mistake posting the photos of Ed and Stede at the Halloween party that had caused all this mess. Ed wasn’t angry, he knew Fang truly didn’t mean it. There wasn’t a malicious bone in the man’s body.

But it was because Fang was so sweet and bad at secrets that he had to be the one Ed told the ‘truth’ to. He wouldn’t confide in Izzy or Ivan about such a thing, but it would be believed he’d talk to Fang about it. And Fang would go back to the guys and accidentally let slip that Stede had been the one to end things, and any lingering doubt that the break up was real would be quashed.

“Can’t you talk to him?” Fang was pleading. “It’s not his fault, and you two looked so happy!”

Ed shook his head. “It’s over.”

“But it can’t be over!” Fang’s sweet face crumpled. “This is all my fault for posting those photos. You’d still be together if it wasn’t for me.”

“Hey, Fangy, no.” Ed pulled him into a hug and patted his back. “This was always going to happen sooner or later. Better for it to happen now before Stede and I got too attached to each other.”

That ship had sailed a long fucking time ago.

“But you love him!”

Ed flinched. He’d been trying not to think about it. He had always dreamed about falling in love, of finding that person who saw him as he truly was and loved him anyway, but it was too soon. As attached as he and Stede were to one another, Ed knew if he suddenly blurted those three words out loud then Stede would run for the hills. It had already taken so much effort just to get the man to ask him out in the first place - Ed didn’t want to ruin things chasing reciprocation of a feeling that he wasn’t even sure he had.

“It’s over, Fang.” He pulled away carefully. “I don’t blame you and you shouldn’t blame yourself. I just… I need to be left alone for a bit, ok?”

“I’ll keep Izzy away from you.” Fang offered, and it was something Ed greatly appreciated. He’d scared Izzy into submission for now, but who knew how long it would last before the little man got on his high horse again and started shouting orders?

Ed could handle the bossiness when it came to the tour, and the shows, and whatever various admin Izzy was in control of, but he was done letting the rat mess with his personal life. He would go along with the secret dating plan for Stede’s sake, so the fans didn’t try to eat him alive again, but the very second that Stede said he was ready for them to go public, Ed was climbing onto the nearest rooftop and yelling for everyone to hear that Stede Bonnet was his boyfriend.

And perhaps by then, he’d feel ready to add those three special words to the statement as well.

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