#they are so tragic and in love i can’t take it

[miraclechatbug]

I just read an analysis of the episode by @mamayura, and honestly, it's incredibly insightful and accurate. It also makes everything a thousand times more heartbreaking because Adrien knows exactly what he wants, and it’s something very simple. He just wants to be with Nathalie and Marinette.

However, throughout the entire episode— and even before that, Nathalie has kept Adrien at arm’s length. She’s afraid to care for him the way she truly wants to, a struggle she’s faced constantly, even when he was a child, as shown in the flashbacks. She has always loved him and longed to show him more affection.

However, she’s terrified of replacing Emilie, it probably even feels like a betrayal even though it was Emilie's last wish. It's all too much to put on Nathalie, and of course, she's indecisive about it. That’s why she holds back from showing Adrien the love she so clearly feels for him, even though it’s obvious to everyone how much she adores him. But as clear as it is to others, it might not be to Adrien. He knows she cares for him, but does she care enough to step up and be a mother to him? Nathalie has rarely taken that kind of initiative, so he can’t bring himself to ask such a thing of her.

Adrien is wise beyond his years. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again— he is the most emotionally intelligent and self-aware person in the show, (so is Luka, though in a different way). Because Adrien understands emotions so well, even though he’s never had any real control over his own life, he does know what he wants. He wants to stay with the people he considers family— Nathalie, Marinette, The Gorilla. But he won’t say it aloud, not even when given the chance, because he needs undeniable proof that he is wanted first place.

Just like he never truly forced his father. Yes, he constantly sought Gabriel’s time and attention, and every time he was pushed away, you could see how much it devasted him. And he learned from that. Just like he learned from Ladybug, after she pushed him away time and time again. You cannot force people to love you if they don’t want you. It has to be their choice.

And in that moment, every adult in that room, except Marinette, had to make their decision before Adrien could even be allowed to speak. That is utterly tragic. It’s horrifying. I can’t even begin to imagine what it would feel like to watch strangers argue over who should take custody of me while the one person I truly wanted wasn’t even in the room, wasn't even making an effort for him. And the worst part of it all... is that he didn’t fight it. Not even a little protest. He had already resigned himself to whatever was happening.

Adrien didn’t say anything because he knew he couldn’t. Because, deep down, he truly believed that what he had to say wouldn’t matter. It never had before.

Until Marinette. She’s the one who always thinks about him, who turns toward him instead of away. Especially in the Werepapas episode— she stops, looks back, and asks him what he wants. No one else ever does that (except Plagg). She wants to see him happy, and she makes him happy. I would love to see more of that.

I think Adrien has always felt voiceless when it comes to his own desires. He’s spent his whole life pushing aside what he wants, always making space for others, always tiptoeing around the emotions of the adults around him. When, in reality, those burdens were never his, and will never be his to carry. They should have shielded him from their anger, worries, and indecision, figured things out first, and only come to him when they had something real to offer. Instead, they fought over him like he was a prize to be claimed.

I would love to see him finally wishing for things— choosing for himself, being selfish for once. He deserves that.

Watching Werepapas has made me realize how little control Adrien thinks he has over his life. His grandparents are literally fighting over their guardian rights over him, and he is under the table, concerned about Plagg, and not paying attention in the slightest. Marinette, Nathalie, and The Gorilla were all more upset and worried than he was. Or at least, they showed more emotion.

And honestly, that's so concerning. How little control and choice must someone have over their life to react this way? In the end, when they finally ask him what he wants... he says he doesn't know himself. He's happy to let Marinette make the decision for him, and it's obvious that he wants Marinette wants for him, it's obvious to everyone except him.

He never voices out loud what he wants, such as how obviously he wants Nathalie to hug him back and show him affection at the beginning of his episode. And his shirt was so wrinkled! I think he's struggling more than ever, but he's so good at acting that he's fine– he's so well put together. I fear he doesn't even know how much he's struggling himself. He constantly says he doesn't know how he's feeling himself, which means he is very disconnected with his emotions. People who are very repressed say such things, people who never had chances to explore their feelings themselves, never got the freedom or choice to express themselves. Adrien doesn’t voice his wants, not because they don’t exist, but because he’s never been given the space to acknowledge them. The moment he does, he risks confronting just how deeply he craves something he believes he can’t have. So, he keeps moving, keeps smiling, keeps convincing everyone— himself included, that he’s fine.

It's a learned habit, a defense mechanism. People who have always been told what to feel, or who have been given no room to feel at all, probably end up like this– adrift and unsure of where their own emotions begin or end. It’s repression at its most insidious.

[ender-cloud]

Oooo boy man, this update has me excited to talk about

Tgs spoilers under cut

MIND JASPER CHAT, MIND JASPER!!! Also that one evil scientist dude whos name I forgot on accident.

It’s interesting that Jasper is apart of Jekylls self doubt but it also perfectly makes sense! Jekyll is Jaspers mentor, his teacher, someone who took him under his wing after Jasper went through a lot of stuff.

But at the same time, he’s not the perfect mentor. Remeber his reaction to Jasper telling Jekyll he’s trans? It wasnt really the best response he could’ve given him; and that put a strain on their relationship for a while.

Also, Jasper is one of the few people who like Jekyll and respect him but also isn’t afraid to put him in his place when he needs to, which gives the two this incredibly intresting dynamic.

The “You missed your chance at happiness” is a nod to the conversation Jekyll and Jasper had about Lanyon, and how Jekyll Deep down always thought it was his fault. He wasn’t good enough for Lanyon, or that it was inevitable for it to happen.

Jasper is one of the only people who knows about it and now Jekyll’s mind is using that to play cruel tricks on him, to make him feel even more ashamed, and is also taking in people finding out that he was Hyde.

Jekyll feels Unlovable because he sees Hyde as this monster inside of him, and who would like him for his flaws when he needs to be perfect, now that the secrets out he’s willing to die alone because of it.

This thought of being this monster also leads into the evil scientist dude (sorry im so bad at names 😔) , the self doubt that he is preaching is that because of Jekylls failed experiment, and that because Jekyll had this part of him in the first place he is doomed to end up just like him.

Alone. Feared. Angry and Bitter. But it’s not true in the end because while these thoughts of doubt seem so loud and are pulling him under, Jekyll can still choose who he wants to be and Mend what he has done wrong.

Now while these thoughts are mostly directed at Jekyll, Hyde and Jekyll have similar fears so it makes sense that they would affect Hyde aswell.

Hyde is afraid of being alone, just like Jekyll he’s stuck in this place of uncertainty in himself and he needs Jekyll to guide him which he can’t do alone.

We saw how he crumbled when Jekyll left, how he was so lost and how he was terrified, and now he is acting strong again, his persona he displays is a switch that he can turn on and off at any moment because it’s his self defense mechanism.

Even though he’s talking to the mind people of self doubt with confidence and conviction, even a little poking fun, its not enough to keep him from getting dragged down under by the nightmares just like Jekyll was. Once again being called a monster, when even though Hyde is a manifestation of every bad part pf Jekyll, he is not a monster, but a misguided person.

Hyde can’t stop it, the comments are getting to him more that he could’ve ever guessed, and he has always been afraid by the nightmares that consume him.

When he was the one who had taken in charge they haunted him, and now that he’s all alone they haunt him again, because without Jekyll to tease and make fun of or give him guidance, he’s an easy target to get to, for he loses almost all of his confidence and definitely all of his control.

In a way the mind self doubt has made some good points that they are a little right about, they over exaggerated those points, making is seem more hopeless than it actually is because thats what self doubt is.

It extends from something that has happened but grows it and twists it until its out of hand and it ways down on you.

Most of these extend from wanting to be perfect, failing to find love, and most of all Hyde.

Its tragic how this is what Jekyll is getting pulled under by but it also Perfectly realistic at the same time, if Hyde gets Jekyll back he is going to have to find a way to prove that these things are not true which will be hard because they are apart of his self doubt too

[seellove]

Counterfeit Shrines // sukuna x female reader

Masterlist

Chapter 5 - Placing a bet, my odds are You and Me Zero // (3.6k words) // 18+

\|/ AO3 - Chapter 5 | << Chapter 4 | Chapter 6 >>

You're a late bloomer when it comes to cursed energy, entering Tokyo Jujutsu High partway through the 4th year on the support student track. Because of this, you get paired with the only combat track sorcerer without a partner for obvious reasons, Ryomen Sukuna. He's had a tragic upbringing as a human that is part curse with dark expectations for how to live his life. However, after meeting you, he slowly starts to see the possibility of a different path with someone he might love.

Content Tags/Warnings Throughout Work: Reader and Sukuna are Jujutsu Sorcerers in a JJK AU, explicit smut, violence/blood/injury, dubious consent, dubious morality, drug and alcohol use, falling in love, angst, comfort, fluff, happy ending

There is a chill in the morning air as you wait outside. You are groggy from sleeping poorly last night and as a result of waking up obscenely early, anxious and nervous for your first mission. Your bag lays on the ground beside you, probably overpacked, but you didn’t know what to expect so better to have something and not need it. 

You pull your beanie down lower to cover your ears from the breeze. The car better be warm, you aren’t yet used to these chilly mornings. 

“Be careful on your mission Suki,” Yorozus voice cuts through the silence. “Let me know when you get back, I’ll have a welcome home present you don’t want to miss.” 

Suki, you snicker to yourself, you’ll have to remember that next time he’s an asshole. 

“Oh yeah, what’s that gonna be?” a hint of playfulness in his voice.

“If you’re lucky I might send you a sneak peek later,” she responds in a sultry tone. 

Gross can they not do this elsewhere?. 

“Oh she’s going with you?” Yorozus voice grates on your ears. Goddammit you don’t want to deal with this right now. 

“Yep it’s a support training mission, I have to make sure she doesn’t kill herself, isn’t that right?” he pulls your beanie down over your eyes. 

You rip the beanie off in frustration, revealing Sukuna standing in front of you wearing his uniform pants and a red and black jacket. Yorozu stands next to him, her arms crossed scowling at you. 

“I might have to kill myself to save myself from your incessant attitude,” you clap back. You look at Yorozu. “He’s all yours girl, I don’t want anything to do with this,” you gesture at Sukuna. You wouldn’t mind if what happened last night were to happen again, but you had no interest in fighting over a man like him. 

He fakes a frown, “wow harsh. I underestimated how little you think of me.” You don’t miss the side eyed smirk as he turns his head slightly towards you so Yorozu can’t see. 

To your relief a black car pulls up, saving you from this situation. You take off towards the car, not bothering to acknowledge whether Sukuna follows or not. After tossing your bag into the trunk, you circle back to the rear doors and settle yourself in the backseat. The driver greets you but other than that stays quiet. Not long after you buckle up, Sukuna joins you. You ignore him at first, not planning to say anything until he speaks.

“Did you mean what you said back there?” he caves first. 

“Mean what?” 

“You want nothing to do with this.”

You briefly pause before speaking, staring out the window to avoid looking at him, “I mean, kind of. I’m just here to go to school so I can move on with my life. I didn’t ask to be partnered up with the class fuckboy and be the target of his fangirls’ jealousy.”

The sounds of the car on the highway fills the space between the two of you. Tension weighs heavy in the air. You don’t hate Sukuna, in fact you value the time together and the unexpected friendship that has developed. It might not be the deepest bond, but at the end of the day there is mutual respect and the company is enjoyable. You are also grateful for everything he has taught you, even though it started out on not the best of terms. Plus, it was nice having someone actually appreciate your intelligence instead of calling you a nerd or a loser. 

You turn to look at him, surprised to see him already eying you. His eyes look a little softer than normal, while his mouth betrays no hints as to what he is thinking. 

“It’s exhausting trying to be friends with you sometimes Sukuna. Your love life is of no concern to me, but when people start berating me and being nasty, it’s hard to justify wanting to continue the friendship. Hell, I don't even know if you want to be friends with me. You are so emotionless and vapid at times, it's impossible to tell if you actually enjoy spending time together.”

“I absolutely do want to be friends with you,” he quickly responds, his eyes widening with a rare sign of emotion. “Sorry, I’m not good at conveying this with words, but your presence, I enjoy it, I look forward to it.”

His vulnerability catches you by surprise, awkward silence pooling between you. You decide to lighten the mode a bit, to offset the weird moment. “So he does have a heart after all,” you force a giggle.

He snorts in response, “it keeps me alive.”

“Alright Suki, now tell me about this mission.” 

“Never call me that,” he huffs in annoyance, giving you a side eyed glare.

“Oh right, that's your special nickname only your girl can call you,” you continue to egg him on, feeling him seething beside you.

“If you don’t shut up, I’m gonna leave you in there with those curses and let you figure it out. Besides, she isn’t worth my time to disagree with, I don’t care enough to have a lengthy conversation,” Sukuna retorts.

“Now, about the mission.”

He explains the info that was contained in the original posting online. He must read the confusion on your face at the lack of information because he continues talking, “sometimes you don’t really know what the mission will be like until you are there to scope it out. The intel we receive is usually pretty high level without a ton of detail.” 

Your nervous demeanor must be apparent because he places his hand on your arm, “I won’t send you in there alone, I’ll scope it out first and I’ll be nearby the whole time. You have no idea how fast and powerful I am, I won’t let anything happen to you.” 

Your stomach feels less turbulent with his reassurances. 

“Are they scary? The curses?”

“If you aren’t used to them, I suppose they could be. Just to warn you, they are pretty grotesque and deformed looking. These ones we will be dealing with are pretty stupid though. Higher level ones are more scary because they can reason and act like humans.” 

“What kinds of missions do you usually go on?” you question. 

“Hmm, mine are usually a little tougher and can last multiple days. Sometimes I need to gather my own intel before charging in. There’s usually a lot of lower grade curses in addition to powerful ones. Curses attract curses after all.”

A sadistic grin creeps across his face as he continues, “I fuck then up though, I enjoy tearing them apart, trying new techniques on them, I’m known for leaving my missions a bloody mess when it’s all said and done.” 

“Why does that not surprise me? Can you show me your technique on one when we get there?” 

He sits up straighter, puffing out his chest ever so slightly, “yeah I will, just for you.”

You can’t help but be a little excited to see a real sorcerer in action. Plus, you need to see if he’s actually as strong as he claims to be. 

The rest of the ride goes without incident, chatting and banter between you two passing the time. You look up and notice the car slowing to turn into an old neighborhood, stopping a few houses away from what is presumably the abandoned one. It was a massive brick building with beautiful white columns, an unkempt garden framing the entrance.

You stare up at it, a wave of nausea springs up as fear begins to wash over you. You were scared of curses, only remembering stories of missions gone wrong and the gruesome things they will do to people. Shoko tried to describe them one time as did Sukuna earlier, but you were still nervous about everything. 

The driver activates the barrier and gives you both the rendezvous location. 

“Follow me,” Sukuna grunts shortly, leading the way towards the mansion. “I’ll go scope it out first, then come back for you.”

He bounds inside with impressive speed, kicking down the front door unceremoniously. A chill drips down your spine making you shiver in anticipation. The presence of curses. Swallowing hard, you try to pep yourself up, remembering the combat moves Sukuna had meticulously taught you and drilled you on.

You see red eyes approaching from the mansion and realize it’s just Sukuna. He beckons to you, waving you over. Your feet feel like lead as you force yourself to climb the staircase and walk through the open doorway.

“Watch me take out a few, then it’s your turn,” he grins. He seems to love this stuff, to love fighting because it's the first glimpse of excitement you’ve ever observed from him. Suddenly you see it, or better yet, them. Eyeless and slimy, the curses’ blue skin catches your eye in the dim room as they appear from behind a doorway on the opposite wall. You freeze up, the dark cursed energy coming off of them suffocates you, like your windpipe feeling like it is half the size now. You can’t tell if it’s panic or effects of the curses, but a feeling of despair comes on quickly.

On the contrary, Sukuna has a malicious sneer on his face, eyes glowing even brighter than before. He also looks like he has claws now, those definitely weren’t there before. 

“Watch,” he says in a gravelly voice as he delivers a swift punch to one of the curses. A gruesome sound of flesh bending grates on your ears as It bursts into a spray of purple blood. Sukuna doesn’t seem to care as it lands on his arm and clothing. “One punch with cursed energy should be enough.”

You are revolted by everything right now, feet glued to the ground and overstimulated by the sights and sounds. “I’m scared, I don’t know if I can,” your voice cracks.

“You’ve been trained by myself, the best, you are more than ready, get a grip,” he growls, irritation flashing in his eyes. 

“Your tough love attitude is not helping right now!” you lash out at him in frustration.

 Sukuna cups his chin with his hand, pondering something. “I have an idea,” he announces as he swiftly turns back towards the doorway.

Another curse appears from the same doorway. Sukuna seems to lure it out into the open, while you are unsure of what he’s trying to do. Suddenly he flicks his fingers and the curse’s leg is sliced in half. It screeches something awful, blood pouring out from where the limb was severed. 

Like a mother predator helping her young make their first kill, you realized what Sukuna was doing.

“Oh my god,” you gasp, dry heaving at the stench and sight. Also what the fuck was that move he just did? He seemed to cut the thing open without moving.

“Do it,” his voice is sharp and commanding, “hesitating can be the difference between living and dying.”

You gulp, trying to muster up the courage to charge at the curse. Remember, it can’t move, so it’s not a threat. You approach it cautiously, gathering up cursed energy in your fist. You wind up and deliver a blow to the side of its head. The flesh compresses as your fist makes contact, tearing through the skin and showering you with the purple blood you saw before. You jump back as the curse disintegrates.

“Finally,” Sukuna barks, “now I’m going to stand back while you take them on.” He moves to the entryway. You eye the interior doorway, awaiting the next curse.

It appears and you circle it, studying its movements before you make a move. The thing moves around uncoordinated like it can barely see. After watching it you realize there really is no sign of intelligence from the creature. You dart towards it and easily deliver a blow to its head, watching the life leave its eyes as your knuckles penetrate the thin skin. Another appears and you dodge it, delivering a kick this time which destroys it in a similar fashion. 

Next two come at one time, causing you to dodge more creatively as you exorcise them. You still feel the harsh ache in your bones from the dark cursed energy filling the room, but your confidence is boosted now, adrenaline pumping through your veins. 

Sukuna leads the way deeper into the mansion. Little by little, you clear the rooms while he observes quietly. You feel very comfortable with taking them out now, your confidence brimming.

“The last one is stronger than the others, I’ll handle it,” Sukuna says, stepping forward. He kicks open the last door and you both come face to face with a contorted creature, its limbs broken and bones protruding from its skin. It’s like a cross between a giant centipede and a human. A dry heave bursts from your mouth and fear grips you. 

Sukuna laughs with a twisted sound, “get a load of this thing.” He taunts it, not going in for the kill immediately, like a cat playing with its food. 

“My technique uses slashing attacks, two of which being dismantle and cleave,” he explains to you while dancing around the creature that is desperately trying to hit him with its boney tail. 

“Dismantle is a series of default slashes that don’t differ in power, but I can architect it however I please with however many I want.” You notice an almost artistic crosshatch pattern of slashes appear on the creature as Sukuna carves up the surface of its skin, muscle and skin hanging from the creature like tattered cloth.

“Cleave adjusts to the target’s power and toughness to inflict a lethal amount of damage.”

He slices his hand diagonally in front of him and suddenly the curse is sliced into 4 pieces, falling to the ground like a carved up piece of meat. His technique is terrifying. You shiver at the thought of how he could kill you anytime in seconds. He looks back at you and notices the fear on your face.

“What’s wrong brat? Scared of me?”

“Kind of yeah,” you squeak out. 

“Good, you should be,” he licks the blood off his fingers. 

“Gross!”

He looks directly in your eyes and drops his hands to his sides, “You asked me to show you my technique, so I did. Let’s go.”

Back at the car you both change into your spare clothes. You are thankful to have the blood off your clothes and are excited to take a shower to not just the blood off of you but the invisible feeling of nastiness you still feel from the curses. You still feel a sense of despair and depression consuming you, no doubt a result of the sinister cursed energy within that building.

Sukuna walks you to your hotel room after everyone checks in.

“I’ll get us some dinner, come to my room when you are done showering and getting settled,” he says as he strides down to the end of the hall and disappears into his room. 

You open the door to reveal what's inside. The room is nice enough, a simple bed sits in the middle of the room with night stands on either side adorned with ornate iron lamps on each. The bathroom is quite nice too with a walk in shower and tile wall matching the sink backsplash.

You take a long hot shower, feeling very refreshed and replenished now that the blood splattered on your skin has washed away. You can’t help but think back to the mission, reliving everything as you dried yourself off. Sukuna handled it with such ease, it was impressive. Also he was such a freak for licking curse blood off of himself. Incredibly odd behavior. 

The chilling feeling from before is still apparent, but you are more used to it now as it weighs over you like a constant presence. Even though your stomach is still a little uncomfortable, it growls with hunger, evidence of the physical activity you just partook in. You change into lounge shorts and a comfortable t-shirt, then make your way to Sukuna’s room. 

You knock on the door and he is quick to answer, opening the door wearing nothing but pajama pants. Dear lord his body was to die for as your breath catches in your throat. His hair is still damp from the shower and the bold tattoos snake through the rifts and valleys of his toned body. He turns away to let you in, walking back towards the bathroom.

“Food’s on the table,” he says as he grabs his shirt and throws it on. How convenient that he answered the door shirtless, unable to wait five seconds to throw a shirt on.

You sit down and demolish your dinner quickly, him finishing not long after. You feel much more at ease having him around right now, not really wanting to be alone after dealing with the curses. You just felt off and being around someone strong like Sukuna was much more comforting.

“Want to watch something?” you suggest, grabbing the remote. You get up and get onto the bed. Leaning back against the headboard, you flip on the TV.

Sukuna crawls up next to you, leaving a gap between him and you. Even though nothing was happening, you felt a little weird being in the same bed as him. You curl your knees to your chest and pull a blanket up over you, attempting to be less exposed.

“There’s a new episode of Masterchef tonight, turn that on,” Sukuna says in a monotone voice. 

“You like Masterchef?” You ask happily. “I love it!”

“Yes brat, cooking shows are my favorite genre of TV,” he says bluntly. 

Sukuna lays on his stomach facing the TV and away from you. His shirt clings to his back muscles in a way that makes watching the show distracting, unsure if you are watching more of it or him. 

“That steak is way overcooked,” he comments as the judges cut into one of the contestants' dishes.

“It looks fine, it shouldn’t be still mooing when you eat it,” you laugh. The steak looked medium rare which was plenty fine.

“Yeah but the juices are the best part,” he turns around to look at you, making a creepy but funny face.

“Whatever,” you nudge his leg with your foot.

He turns around without a response.

You watch together, critiquing the cast and dishes and laughing at each other's comments. Sukuna certainly had a lot to say about food and contestants’ knife skills.  

It felt good, it felt right, and helped you forget about the mission and dark thoughts for a while. Joking with Sukuna was easy, he was someone you could be yourself with and not worry. You also felt like you could say anything because no matter what he was always grumpy about something, so you had nothing to lose. As the night lingered on, you felt yourself starting getting tired. You internally cursed your body, not wanting the fun night to end. 

Sukuna notices you fighting sleep, “I can walk you back to your room if you want.”

Yawning, you nod your head wordlessly, getting up and going to stand by the door while Sukuna grabs his phone and room key. You reach to grab the door handle, but feel him grasp your arm, pulling you to face him.

Everything happens so fast, next thing you know his lips are on yours and you are pressed against the door. You squeak in surprise, but quickly surrender to the kiss, allowing his tongue to invade your mouth. The salty taste from dinner lingering on his tongue and his body wash enveloping your nose. He tips your chin up, allowing him deeper access, practically feeling his tongue down your throat. You hardly have time to react before he pulls back with a pop.

This kiss is quick but intense, leaving you half dazed, your mind a pile of mush as you long for more, wishing you had been more alert to match his energy.

“Come on, let's get you back to your room brat,” he opens the door, allowing you to leave first. Finally your legs move, carrying you down the hall. Your heart is pounding on the walk back while walking on unsteady legs. 

You don’t want to be alone right now, you want more time with him, want more of him. You feel safe in his presence as the unsettling feeling is still present from earlier. 

You open your door and glance back at him. “Night Sukuna.”

“G’night,” he says with a tired look on his face, standing just outside the door of your room, hands shoved in his pockets. 

Heart beating a hundred miles an hour, you can’t bring yourself to shut him out. The doorframe acts like a barrier between you and him that shouldn’t be breached. But with all things that should be off limits, even the threat of eternal damnation has never been enough of a deterrent against the sin of tasting the forbidden. 

He goes to turn around when suddenly you reach out, not sure if your brain made this decision or if your body just was running on autopilot. 

You grab his arm, your voice uttering a simple word:

 “stay.” 

<< Chapter 4 | Chapter 6 >>

Masterlist

[ghoulslament]

crowley quietly and lovingly cleaned up the bookshop for him… without even needing to be ASKED he just did that of his own accord… and waited patiently for him to come back… he shooed everyone away just to be alone with him… he had a nightingale sings in berkeley square queued up in the bentley to play on their way to the ritz… they were supposed to have “us time” AT THE RITZ

[atlasblue85]

saw this post earlier and just wrote this in like. 10 minutes. hope u don't mind

--------------------

“Have you been sleeping at all?” Maddie asks after Buck’s fourth yawn of their so-far five minute conversation. 

“Yeah,” Buck says, tilting his head side to side, trying to crack his neck. “Just, uh, not great.” 

Maddie gives him a pitying look, one of many he’s received over the past two weeks since Eddie hooked the U-Haul to his truck and drove away, leaving Buck standing in the street in the rain. It’s nearly funny how much of a cliche it was, but only Buck knows that, because only Buck knows he’s in love with Eddie and just how much more tragic that made the whole scene. 

“I know it’s not ideal but have you tried sleeping pills?” Maddie suggests. “Even melatonin might be enough to at least get you somewhere.” 

“No,” says Buck, taking a sip of his coffee, “I don’t want to take anything. I just need to…” He trails off, not meeting Maddie’s eye. That’s his first mistake.

“Need to what, Evan?” she asks sternly. 

“Nothing,” he says, too quickly. Second mistake. Maddie narrows her eyes. “Nothing,” he says again, aiming for calm. “I just need to, you know, get past this, and it’ll be fine.” 

Maddie sets down her mug and clasps her hands together in front of her. He’s done for. “You’re my brother and I love you. Both of which mean I can tell when you’re hiding something. If you don’t tell me what’s going on I’ll just have to figure it out some other way.”

Buck’s resolve crumbles. “I’ve been sleeping on the couch,” he mutters into his cup. 

Maddie gives him a look like he’s insane, and all he can think is, Just wait. “Why are you sleeping on the couch when you have a perfectly good bed?”

Buck sighs and covers his face with his hands. He can’t be looking at her when he says this. “It’s not my couch.”

“Buck. Will you look at me? Where the hell have you been sleeping?”

“No, it’s not…” Another sigh. He uncovers his face. “The people who rented Eddie’s house already had some furniture and he didn’t want to get a storage unit so he was gonna sell some of his stuff but I couldn’t–” He stops. He can’t say it.

“Oh my god,” Maddie says, the other shoe finally dropping. “You’ve been sleeping on Eddie’s couch.” It’s not a question. 

Buck fully buries his head in his arms on Maddie’s kitchen island. “I know, okay? I know.”

He feels a warm hand run up and down his back. “So let me get this straight,” Maddie says. “You had zero couches for a good portion of the time you’ve lived in that apartment and now you have two?” He doesn’t respond. “Please tell me you didn’t get rid of your own couch.” 

Buck picks his head up. “No,” he says. “I just rearranged. It’s a tight fit, but I’ll make it work.”

“For how long?” 

Buck shrugs. “As long as I need to.” 

If Eddie sells all the furniture in his house to move to El Paso do you think Buck bought the couch?

[cerusee]

Finally finished Goodbye My Princess and I was not expecting a happy ending—this show famously does not have a happy ending, and I knew it going in—but the ending still gutted me like a fish and had me openly weeping. (Normally when I say a piece of media made me cry, I mean, “I actually teared up a little”. Not this time! Full on ugly sobbing! A lingering sense of devastation even a couple of hours later!)

I assumed at first it was going to end on that shot of Li Chengyin’s face when Xiaofeng’s brother carries her lifeless body away, which would honestly have been bad enough. But somehow, what really pushed it over the edge for me was the coda, where LCY has, decades later, voluntarily abdicated to make way for his successor. It’s clearly the end of a lengthy tenure as emperor, and maybe even a good one, since they make a point of mentioning that it’s the first peaceful transfer of power in generations (a marked difference from the bloody succession struggle Chengyin and his brothers endured) and Pei Zhao is notably still hanging around.

But LCY is still pining for his lost Xiaofeng, and has either recent,y developed the delusion that she’s not dead, or has been clinging to that delusion ever since he watched her slit her throat in front of him and then die in his arms (straight up I do not know which is worse), and is now going to spend what remains of his life wandering in the desert searching for a woman who is forever lost to him. What was it all for, LCY? Was it worth it? (Maybe it was! I think it’s implied he was actually a decent emperor and he’s leaving the place in better condition than he found it.) But worth it or not, he’s never gotten over the price he paid for all this, never known true contentment, never stopped searching and waiting and longing for Xiaofeng in his heart. Oh my god.

[arctic-bookclub]

imagine loving someone so much you’ll leave to keep them out of danger, your heart hurts but it’s to keep the danger that follows you away from them, imagine being comforted thinking the ones you love are strong and healthy, they’ll be fine just like they always have been without you, your children are protected by the one you love, someone strong and dependable, imagine going to sleep comforted by this information… imagine being so distant from the ones you love to be so unaware of just how false your false sense of comfort regarding their wellbeing is, not knowing how close to the one you love, the one you see as strong and undefeatable, is to giving up, to let himself get lost forever, and just how much pain all those you love have endured and are haunted by

imagine leaving to protect someone you love, only to unknowingly risk losing them forever to a threat you could’ve never even imagine

i’m thinking a bit too hard about qmissa and just how unaware he is of the fastly declining mental health of his family, hiding in an attempt to keep his family safe while not knowing just how desperately he is needed by them :(

[mistmarigold]

Looking back at this scene now, I genuinely love how he says her wish for their next life is what they can have in present too. It’s not just him saying things but it’s also a glimpse of old A’Zan - traumatised but hopeful - and him saying this is a huge step because he’s the one who’s willing to step towards that future. It’s there in his smile, it’s not as wide as when she kissed his cheek that day but it still carries that soft, tender hopefulness for their lives (CZY is phenomenal and I can’t say it enough).

I also love that it isn’t a loud proclamation and he isn’t compelled to say this for a hopeless / heartbroken Song Ran. But rather it’s a quiet statement that presents an alternative: why can’t they have it now? She has accepted that their lives are forever changed and would never go back to ‘normal’ but it doesn’t state that they can’t create a new normal for themselves. Just with them two alone, in their little world, by each other’s side.

And maybe that brought back the idea of elopement as well. For someone like Li Zan who has made his entire personhood around servicing others, it must be extremely difficult to be around his loved ones (except Song Ran). He knows he isn’t going to get better but to carry the weight of hope his loved ones have isn’t an easy burden either. He didn’t even tell his father the first time things went wrong because he’d never want to inconvenience him, let alone now. Song Ran choosing to ‘elope’ basically takes him away from expectations, responsibilities and pity he’d have to face (which wouldn’t help him anyway because instead of focusing on healing he’d be constantly hyper aware about inconveniencing others + the possibility of hurting others).

I know it’s an open ending but i genuinely believe they lived well together, away from the world perhaps, but they still had each other in their new ‘normal’ life. It must’ve been tough for both of them in different ways but they were enough for each other, this time around.

Even the tree and bird, A’Zan marrying Song Ran - that bit is so important too. The first time things went wrong, his guilt and self-blame took over his love for her. Yes, he wanted to be whole for her but he also carried that strong sense of responsibility as well especially after recalling that family. No matter what she would’ve said (she wouldn’t have held him back), he would’ve put everything else over her. But this time around, he’s only concerned with being hers.

In hindsight, he never really intended to break up with her or part ways. His diary said that too when he says he wants to die after getting her message. But he still felt that was something he had to do so that took precedence over her worries or needs at the time. I guess you could say he doesn’t have a lot of himself left to give away anymore so he’s holding on to her. But then again, he already chose her and prioritised her (and by essence himself) by not going to that last mission. He was ready to just be hers — maybe saving that family and opening up to her lifted a huge weight off him. Whatever it was, he was ready.

It is tragic because he was finally there and they were so close to being home. Song Ran must’ve felt guilty too for listening to Shen Bei, or for getting kidnapped or for a hundred other things that could’ve gone different and changed their fate. But as it remains, that’s what their reality is now.

So she has been trying her best to do whatever she can in her capacity to keep themselves alive (and hopefully live). But now she has an inkling that he is genuinely willing to take a step forward with her, that he wants to live with her, not as a ghost with fake smiles but as her A’Zan. And for now, that is enough for them.

God, this is what he says in the epilogue of the novel and I am unwell. But also the fact that he just wants to be hers.

When they talk about next life as if they've given up on any lasting genuine happiness in this one oh God. And all they want is mundane peace.

Oh yes please.

And then this...

[tragicclownwrites]

🤡

[firestorm09890]

“Dear Diary”. Zexion’s Mystery Gear. “A weapon that draws forth its wielder’s personality.” Sleek and cold and gray exterior, decorated only by the symbol of the Organization. A tool with access to more information than a normal book can grant, and capable of holding more secrets than a normal book could store. But then, open it up- the wallpaper is an eyesearing red, so vivid in shade that it leaves afterimages. Something you wouldn't be able to see when the laptop was closed unless you used it for violence.

Mystery Gear weapons are designed for being overanalyzed as symbols. This thing represents Zexion. What’s the red wallpaper imply then, huh? Mr. “Intellectual with no room for feelings”?

[starlooove]

Muehehehee

[chokehoe]

Sobbing somebody save me from alnst

[evidently-endless]

being sick brings out comical levels of self pity in me

[wishmemel]

chan hating himself is my roman empire

[chryzuree]

azures sense of humor 🫶🏻😘

[latinokaeya-moving]

treated myself to the very short beginning section of three houses just now but i had to stop n turn off my switch when the game asked me to pick a house bc i started agonising over whether to go w edelgard first or just jump straight into the claude route