#they are my NUMBER ONE tool for emotional regulation

[barnbridges]

so... one of my earbuds is making a weird sound i wanna kms

[literaryvein-reblogs]

commonly confused words

accept: to receive except: with the exclusion of

advice: recommendation (noun) advise: to recommend (verb)

adverse: unfavorable averse: opposed to

affect: to influence (verb); emotional response (noun) effect: result (noun); to cause (verb)

aisle: space between rows isle: island

allude: to make indirect reference to elude: to avoid

allusion: indirect reference illusion: false idea, misleading appearance

already: by this time all ready: fully prepared

altar: sacred platform or place alter: to change

altogether: thoroughly all together: everyone/everything in one place

a lot: a quantity; many of something allot: to divide or portion out

angel: supernatural being, good person angle: shape made by joining two straight lines

are: plural form of "to be" our: plural form of "my"

accent: pronunciation common to a region ascent: the act of rising or climbing assent: consent, agreement

assistance: help assistants: helpers

bare: nude, unadorned bear: to carry; an animal

beside: close to; next to besides: except for; in addition

boar: a wild male pig bore: to drill a hole through

board: piece of wood bored: uninterested

born: brought into life borne: past participle of "to bear" (carry)

breath: air taken in (noun) breathe: to take in air (verb)

brake: device for stopping break: destroy; make into pieces

buy: to purchase by: next to; through the agency of

canvas: heavy cloth canvass: to take a survey; a survey

capital: major city capitol: government building

choose: to pick chose: past tense of "to choose"

clothes: garments close: to shut; near cloths: pieces of fabric

coarse: rough course: path; series of lectures

complement: something that completes compliment: praise, flattery

conscience: sense of morality conscious: awake, aware

corps: regulated group corpse: dead body

council: governing body counsel: advice; to give advice

dairy: place where milk products are processed diary: personal journal

descent: downward movement dissent: disagreement

dessert: final, sweet course in a meal desert: to abandon; dry, sandy area

device: a plan; a tool or utensil devise: to create

discreet: modest, prudent behavior discrete: a separate thing, distinct

do: a verb indicating performance or execution of a task dew: water droplets condensed from air due: as a result of

dominant: commanding, controlling dominate: to control

die: to lose life; one of a pair of dice dye: to change or add color

dyeing: changing or adding color dying: losing life

elicit: to draw out illicit: illegal, forbidden

eminent: prominent imminent: about to happen

envelop: to surround (verb) envelope: container for a letter (noun)

everyday: routine, commonplace, ordinary (adj.) every day: each day, succession (adj. + noun)

fair: just, honest; a carnival; light skinned fare: money for transportation; food

farther: at a greater (measurable) distance further: in greater (non-measurable) depth

formally: conventionally, with ceremony formerly: previously

forth: forward fourth: number four in a list

gorilla: animal in ape family guerrilla: soldier specializing in surprise attacks

hear: to sense sound by ear here: in this place

heard: past tense of "to hear" herd: group of animals

hoard: a hidden fund or supply, a cache horde: a large group or crowd, swarm

hole: opening whole: complete; an entire thing

human: relating to the species homo sapiens humane: compassionate

its: possessive form of "it" it's: contraction for "it is"

knew: past tense of "know" new: fresh, not yet old

know: to comprehend no: negative

later: after a time latter: second one of two things

lead: heavy metal substance; to guide led: past tense of "to lead"

lessen: to decrease lesson: something learned and/or taught

lightning: storm-related electricity lightening: making lighter

loose: unbound, not tightly fastened lose: to misplace

maybe: perhaps (adv.) may be: might be (verb)

meat: animal flesh meet: to encounter mete: to measure; to distribute

medal: a flat disk stamped with a design meddle: to interfere, intrude metal: a hard organic substance mettle: courage, spirit, energy

miner: a worker in a mine minor: underage person (noun); less important (adj.)

moral: distinguishing right from wrong; lesson of a fable or story morale: attitude or outlook usually of a group

passed: past tense of "to pass" past: at a previous time

patience: putting up with annoyances patients: people under medical care

peace: absence of war piece: part of a whole; musical arrangement

peak: point, pinnacle, maximum peek: to peer through or look furtively pique: fit of resentment, feeling of wounded vanity

pedal: the foot lever of a bicycle or car petal: a flower segment peddle: to sell

personal: intimate; owned by a person personnel: employees

plain: simple, unadorned plane: to shave wood; aircraft (noun)

precede: to come before proceed: to continue

presence: attendance; being at hand presents: gifts

principal: foremost (adj.); administrator of a school (noun) principle: moral conviction, basic truth

quiet: silent, calm quite: very

rain: water drops falling; to fall like rain reign: to rule rein: strap to control an animal (noun); to guide or control (verb)

raise: to lift up raze: to tear down

rational: having reason or understanding rationale: principles of opinion, beliefs

respectfully: with respect respectively: in that order

reverend: title given to clergy; deserving respect reverent: worshipful

right: correct; opposite of left rite: ritual or ceremony write: to put words on paper

road: path rode: past tense of "to ride"

scene: place of an action; segment of a play seen: viewed; past participle of "to see"

sense: perception, understanding since: measurement of past time; because

sight: scene, view, picture site: place, location cite: to document or quote (verb)

stationary: standing still stationery: writing paper

straight: unbending strait: narrow or confining; a waterway

taught: past tense of "to teach" taut: tight

than: used to introduce second element; compared to then: at that time; next

their: possessive form of "they" there: in that place they’re: contraction for "they are"

through: finished; into and out of threw: past tense of "to throw" thorough: complete

to: toward too: also; very (used to show emphasis) two: number following one

track: course, road tract: pamphlet; plot of ground

waist: midsection of the body waste: discarded material; to squander

waive: forgo, renounce wave: flutter, move back and forth

weak: not strong week: seven days

weather: climatic condition whether: if wether: a neutered male sheep

where: in which place were: past tense of "to be"

which: one of a group witch: female sorcerer

whose: possessive for "of who" who’s: contraction for "who is"

your: possessive for "of you" you’re: contraction for "you are" yore: time long past

commonly confused words part 2

[misty-metropolis]

People with complex dissociative disorders often have difficulty processing or expressing emotions. This can look like any number of things. For example:

Emotions being dramatically dissociated into individual parts, such that a host part feels limited to no emotion, but there exists another part who does nothing but cry, and a part who feels such incandescent rage that they are unable to function properly

Emotions being muted and difficult to parse from each other; alexithymia stemming from trauma / abuse

Emotions being largely dissociated, with random bursts of emotion that are scary and overwhelming

Emotions being very sharp and present, but jumbled and often in combination with each other. This may create an impression of being flaky, fickle, or difficult to please

Emotions cycling too rapidly to properly identify them or process how they are affecting individual parts or the system at large

This is a non-exhaustive list. Feel free to add on your own experiences.

For those who are interested, I also have some resources for emotion regulation, as well as some free strategies shared by my therapist, under the cut.

First, I know this has been said before but it really does work wonders, you need to pay attention to your vulnerability factors. Vulnerability factors are elements of your environment or internal experience that make it more difficult to self-regulate. A somewhat common community term for these is forks (in relation to the spoon theory). Common vulnerability factors include lack of sleep, hunger, and needing to use the restroom. Adequately caring for your body's physical needs allows for more complete emotion regulation and more energy to go toward emotion processing when it's needed. If you are sleep deprived, for example, and then become triggered, you're already expending so much energy just to maintain functionality that you're less likely to be able to prevent yourself from doing something you'll regret, like snapping at a partner.

I'm also happy to provide an overview of a few emotion regulation tools from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

Positive Psychology has a set of three emotional intelligence worksheets (link) that are a good jumping-off point for exploring where you're at in that regard and strengthening your emotional intelligence skills. The emotion regulation questionnaire (link) is a clinical tool that can also provide some insight.

First, there's the STOP skill. STOP stands for Stop, Take a Step Back, Observe, and Proceed Mindfully.

When you feel overwhelmed by your emotions, or think they may be at risk of controlling you, force yourself to freeze in place. This prevents you from acting impulsively and doing something you'll regret. Try to name the emotion(s) you're feeling as descriptively as possible.

Then take a step back and give yourself some time to contemplate the situation with a little space from it. It's not often that you have to make a split-second decision based on limited information, so don't try to force yourself to do so.

Take in as much information as you can about the events taking place around you. Ask questions of other people in the situation with you. Try not to jump to conclusions, or listen to your automatic negative thoughts, which are based on an outdated belief system.

Use questions like "what are my goals in this situation?" and "how can my decisions impact the outcome?" to guide your decision-making process as you proceed.

Then there's the Opposite Action skill. This is the one that I use the most in my daily life, as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. Opposite Action encourages you to reject the impulses you feel when you experience a strong emotion, and to instead do something that is the opposite of that. A few examples (mostly dealing with anger, because that's where I use this skill the most):

When I feel frustrated or angry with a console video game, I want to throw the controller, so the opposite action I choose is to press the buttons very gently and deliberately, without force. (Consequently, I also notice more success when I do this!)

When I feel angry with my partner's behavior, I want to yell at xem or say something that will hurt xem, so the opposite action that I choose is to gently explain my feelings and ask them to explain what happened from their perspective.

When I feel ashamed of something that has happened to me, I want to isolate and hide from the world, so the opposite action I choose is to share my feelings (and the event, if I feel capable) with someone I trust and love.

The last skill I want to overview is Cope Ahead. This is a skill in which you practice ahead of time to figure out how you'll deal with a situation when it arises.

Step 1: Identify a situation that may cause you discomfort or strong emotions. I generally prefer to be more on the vague side, because details will vary and that allows me to get more mileage out of my cope ahead, but you should do it however is most helpful for you. Make sure you check the facts and carefully identify the emotions that might arise and interfere with your skills.

Step 2: Pick out your coping and problem-solving skills ahead of time. This is where Cope Ahead gets its name. You identify a situation and then decide in advance how you're going to react to it, allowing yourself to rehearse the possibilities and decrease the chances of acting impulsively*.

Step 3: Imagine yourself in the situation. Picture yourself going through it in the first person, not as though you're watching a film about yourself.

Step 4: Rehearse your reactions to the situation and any strong emotions it may bring up. Rehearse your thoughts and behaviors. Practice coping effectively until you feel like you can ace it. Do this in as many sessions as you need.

Step 5: REST! Do something that brings you peace to care for yourself after each session.

*Impulsive behavior is something with which many people with BPD struggle, and DBT was originally developed to treat BPD, despite its applications in other fields.

Sources:

DBT Tools (link)

Positive Psychology (linked above)

My therapist (can't link that one, sorry)

Also, I've taken DBT twice through and am licensed to teach it.

[prismaticstreams]

Grieving and letting go: a 12 step guide

I wanted to put together a list of tools, techniques and resources that have helped me in dealing with grief, losses and break-ups. These tips can apply whether the loss is platonic or romantic.  I hope that you find these ideas helpful in your journey!

1. Books: When I go through a major loss, it helps me a lot to read more about how other people have coped and dealt with serious losses as well. When I go through a friendship fall out, it helps to read books about the specific kind of loss you are going through. For instance, if it’s a romantic loss, there are books all about recovering from heartbreak. If it’s a friendship fall out, there are books specially about dealing with the loss of platonic friends. If it’s a death, there are books primarily about grief from the death of loved ones.

2. Music: Over the last five years I have created Spotify playlists about grief, loss, break ups and so on, and I keep adding to them as I find new songs that are relevant. I find music very cathartic and can really help me get in touch with my emotions, especially when I might be feeling a bit numb and disconnected. Sometimes you might want songs that are all about sadness and grief, while at other times you might want angry or empowering songs. Just embrace it all!

3. Healing techniques: There are a number of healing techniques that help a lot in hard times and when processing difficult emotions, especially if a situation is somewhat traumatic. EFT tapping in particular has helped me greatly. Sometimes I make it up on the spot as I go along, sometimes I write and save my own scripts on my computer to go back to, while at other times I do a web search and look for scripts on a particular topic (and often change it to suit me). You can learn EFT for free here: Tapping 101.

4. Visualisation and inner child work: If a particular loss taps into something deeper from your childhood (e.g. abandonment or abuse from a parent, sibling etc) then inner child work may help you. Some people find it helpful to visualise themselves as a child, and imagine holding and soothing themselves - as a parent or adult would do for any child they loved. For more information and tips, I’d recommend checking out books about inner child work and looking up guided inner child meditations on YouTube.

5. Meditation and singing: These two are wonderful for calming the mind and body, because they activate the vagus nerve in particular. Singing with other people is also known to produce oxytocin and feelings of wellbeing, so if you can sing in a choir or a group, even better! Also there are many different kinds of meditation out there so I’d recommend trying a few types to find which methods suit you best. If you have a hard time focusing, perhaps start with short, guided meditations like the Headspace App.

6. Physical touch: Affection and physical touch from loved ones and friends can help greatly to soothe and regulate the nervous system. If you don’t have a partner, consider hugging friends or family, cuddling a pet, or getting a massage. Some people also enjoy attending platonic cuddle parties or find platonic cuddle buddies online. Certain social groups, especially from more affectionate cultures (like South America), tend to be more affectionate. If all else fails, self-soothing touch can also be quite calming and helpful.

7. Friendships and therapy: Getting support from your friends is crucial when going through a tough time, so reach out to your social support network as much as you can. If you need extra guidance and support that your friends are unable to give, then I would highly recommend seeing a therapist. Just remember that if you’re new to therapy, it can take trying several people before you find one who is a good fit - don’t give up too quickly. 

8. Online groups and forums: If you don’t have a lot of offline friends or you’re isolated for some reason (e.g. due to illness, disability etc). then online groups can be a great resource for extra support and companionship. I find online groups can also help to provide a more objective viewpoint on a difficult situation or relationship conflict, especially if the people don’t really know me and aren’t afraid to be completely honest.

9. Spiritual techniques: This may not apply to everyone, but if you are interested in religion/spirituality then you may find certain spiritual techniques useful for dealing with loss and moving on. Many people find prayer and meditation helpful during tough times, and spiritual community can help deal with painful losses. Some people also find it helpful and healing to use practices like cutting energetic cords/spiritual ties, as a way of letting go of past relationships. For more about this see: How to Cut an Unhealthy Bond with Someone.

10. Symbolic steps, ceremonies and rituals: Some people also find it helpful to engage in some kind of ritual to help them let go on a more physical level. This could include a wide range of things like going to a body of water and throwing stones in, writing a letter to let out all your feelings then burning it in a fire, or breaking a stick in half to symbolise an ending. Judith Orloff writes,

“Have honorable closure. This shamanic technique lets you release a relationship, particularly if you keep thinking about the person or sense that they’re thinking about you. Go out in nature and find a large stick. Look at the stick and declare, “This relationship is over.” Then break the stick in half, leave the pieces on the ground, walk away, and never look back. This finalizes the ceremony of closure.”

11. Journalling: Writing in a journal, whether on paper or typing on the computer, can really help with processing emotions and getting things off your chest. Writing unsent letters to get out all your anger, sadness and feelings of love can also help greatly. Check out these prompts to get you started: A Week’s Worth of Journaling Prompts: The Journey of Grief

12. Self care: This might seem obvious but remember to look after your health as much as possible when going through grief or loss. This includes eating healthy food, getting enough sleep, exercising, and avoiding drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc. If you need extra help with this, find an accountability buddy to keep you on track.

[brainanalyse]

More Schools Use Meditation to Help Students

In recent years, an increasing number of schools have begun to incorporate meditation into their daily routines, recognizing its potential to foster a more supportive and effective learning environment. But why has meditation gained such traction in educational settings, and what benefits does it offer to students?

The Benefits of Meditation for Students

Improved Focus and Concentration

One of the primary advantages of meditation for students is its ability to enhance focus and concentration. Regular practice helps students to clear their minds, making it easier to pay attention and absorb information during lessons.

Reduced Stress and Anxiety

Meditation is a powerful tool for reducing stress and anxiety, common issues among students facing academic pressures and social challenges. Techniques such as deep breathing and mindfulness help students manage their emotions and stay calm.

Enhanced Emotional Regulation

Through meditation, students learn to recognize and control their emotions more effectively. This leads to better interpersonal relationships and a more harmonious classroom environment.

Better Academic Performance

With improved focus, reduced stress, and enhanced emotional regulation, students are better positioned to perform academically. Studies have shown that meditation can lead to higher grades and better test scores.

The Science Behind Meditation

How Meditation Affects the Brain

Meditation has been shown to alter brain function and structure. It increases grey matter in areas associated with learning and memory, while also enhancing connectivity between different regions of the brain.

Studies Supporting Meditation’s Benefits in Educational Contexts

Numerous studies have demonstrated the positive effects of meditation on students. Research highlights improvements in attention, behavior, and overall mental health, making a strong case for its inclusion in schools.

Implementing Meditation Programs in Schools

Different Types of Meditation Practices Used

Schools use a variety of meditation practices, including mindfulness meditation, guided visualization, and breathing exercises. Each practice offers unique benefits and can be tailored to different age groups and needs.

Steps to Introduce Meditation in Schools

Introducing meditation requires careful planning. Schools typically start with teacher training, followed by pilot programs, and eventually full integration into the school day.

Overcoming Challenges and Resistance

Resistance can come from both parents and educators. Addressing concerns through education about the benefits and evidence supporting meditation can help ease the transition.

Case Studies: Schools Successfully Using Meditation

Example 1: An Elementary School

At Green Valley Elementary, meditation sessions are held every morning. Teachers report calmer classrooms and improved student behavior.

Example 2: A Middle School

Sunrise Middle School has integrated meditation into its physical education curriculum. Students participate in yoga and mindfulness sessions, leading to reduced anxiety and better academic performance.

Example 3: A High School

At Liberty High, meditation is part of the health and wellness program. Students engage in guided meditation sessions, helping them manage stress during exam periods.

Teacher and Student Testimonials

Teacher Perspectives on Meditation’s Impact

Teachers often notice significant changes in their students. “My class is more focused and less disruptive,” says Mrs. Thompson, a fifth-grade teacher. “Meditation has made a huge difference.”

Student Experiences and Feedback

Students also express positive feelings about meditation. “I feel more relaxed and ready to learn,” says Jake, a seventh-grader. “It helps me clear my mind.”

Meditation Techniques for Students

Mindfulness Meditation

This practice involves focusing on the present moment and observing thoughts and feelings without judgment. It’s a simple yet powerful way to improve mental clarity.

Guided Visualization

Guided visualization involves imagining peaceful and calming scenarios. It helps students relax and develop a positive mindset.

Breathing Exercises

Breathing exercises, such as deep breathing and alternate nostril breathing, can quickly reduce stress and improve focus.

Yoga and Movement-Based Meditation

Incorporating yoga poses and gentle movements, this form of meditation combines physical activity with mindfulness, benefiting both body and mind.

Integrating Meditation with the Curriculum

Ways to Blend Meditation with Existing Subjects

Meditation can be seamlessly integrated into subjects like physical education, health, and even language arts. For example, a poetry lesson might include a short mindfulness exercise to inspire creativity.

Daily Meditation Schedules

Schools can establish daily meditation schedules, such as starting and ending the day with short sessions. This routine helps create a calm and focused learning environment.

The Role of Parents and the Community

Engaging Parents in the Meditation Process

Parents play a crucial role in supporting meditation practices. Schools can offer workshops and resources to help parents understand and encourage their children’s meditation.

Community Support and Involvement

Community organizations can provide additional support, such as funding for programs and trained meditation instructors.

Training Teachers to Lead Meditation

Professional Development for Teachers

Effective meditation programs require well-trained teachers. Professional development courses can equip teachers with the skills needed to guide students in meditation.

Resources and Tools for Effective Meditation Instruction

Teachers can utilize various resources, including apps, books, and online courses, to enhance their meditation instruction.

Challenges and Criticisms

Addressing Concerns About Meditation in Schools

Some critics argue that meditation may not be suitable for all students. Addressing these concerns with evidence and testimonials can help build broader acceptance.

Balancing Meditation with Academic Requirements

While meditation is beneficial, it’s essential to balance it with academic demands. Schools must ensure that meditation complements rather than competes with educational goals.

Future of Meditation in Education

Trends and Predictions

The trend of incorporating meditation into schools is likely to continue growing. As more research supports its benefits, more schools will adopt meditation programs.

Potential for Broader Implementation

With the ongoing success of meditation programs, there is potential for wider adoption, possibly making meditation a standard part of school curricula nationwide.

Conclusion Meditation is proving to be a valuable addition to school programs, offering numerous benefits to students, from improved focus and reduced stress to better academic performance and emotional regulation. As more schools recognize these advantages, the practice of meditation is likely to become an integral part of the educational experience.

FAQs

How does meditation help students? Meditation helps students by improving focus, reducing stress, and enhancing emotional regulation, which in turn supports better academic performance and overall well-being.

Can meditation improve academic performance? Yes, meditation can improve academic performance by helping students concentrate better, manage stress, and develop a positive mindset towards learning.

What age group benefits most from meditation in schools? All age groups can benefit from meditation, but it can be especially impactful for elementary and middle school students as they develop foundational emotional and cognitive skills.

Are there any downsides to implementing meditation in schools? While meditation has many benefits, it’s essential to address any resistance from parents or educators and ensure it complements rather than replaces academic activities.

How can parents support their children’s meditation practice? Parents can support their children’s meditation practice by participating in school workshops, encouraging practice at home, and providing a calm environment for meditation.

[super-real-news]

Emotional Doorstops: New Invention Helps People Cope With Difficult Emotions

A new invention called "Emotional Doorstops" is helping people cope with difficult emotions. The doorstops are weighted bags filled with different materials, each of which corresponds to a different emotion. For example, the "Anger" doorstop is filled with sand, the "Sadness" doorstop is filled with water, and the "Anxiety" doorstop is filled with beads.

When someone is feeling a strong emotion, they can hold the corresponding Emotional Doorstop. The weight and texture of the doorstop can help to ground the person and bring them back to the present moment. The doorstop can also serve as a physical reminder of the emotion, which can help people to process it and move on.

Emotional Doorstops were created by a team of therapists and designers who wanted to find a new way to help people cope with difficult emotions. The team was inspired by the idea of using weighted objects to help people with anxiety and sensory processing disorders."We wanted to create something that was both functional and aesthetically pleasing," said Dr. Sarah Jones, a therapist who worked on the Emotional Doorstops project. "We also wanted to make sure that the doorstops were accessible to everyone, regardless of their income or ability level."Emotional Doorstops have been well-received by therapists and clients alike. Many people have found that the doorstops help them to manage their emotions more effectively."The Emotional Doorstops have been a game-changer for me," said one client. "I used to get so overwhelmed by my emotions, but now I have a way to ground myself and process them in a healthy way."

Emotional Doorstops are currently available for purchase online and in select stores. The team is planning to expand their product line in the future to include doorstops for other emotions, such as joy, gratitude, and love.

How Emotional Doorstops Work; Emotional Doorstops work by providing a physical reminder of the emotion that the person is feeling. The weight and texture of the doorstop can also help to ground the person and bring them back to the present moment. This can be helpful for people who are feeling overwhelmed or dissociated.

Emotional Doorstops can also be used to help people process their emotions. When someone holds an Emotional Doorstop, they are forced to confront the emotion that they are feeling. This can help them to identify the thoughts and feelings that are associated with the emotion, and to develop coping mechanisms.

Benefits of Emotional Doorstops:

Emotional Doorstops can have a number of benefits, including:

Reducing stress and anxiety

Improving emotional regulation

Promoting self-awareness

Facilitating emotional processing

Supporting mental health and well-being

In conclusion, Emotional Doorstops are a new and innovative way to help people cope with difficult emotions. They are accessible, affordable, and easy to use. If you are struggling to manage your emotions, Emotional Doorstops may be a helpful tool for you.

This has been Executive 3, thanks for watching.

[herecomesmary]

I'd rather not have to deal with the misfortunes of embodiment. I never liked the feeling of skin, having so many parts, moving, bouncing, jumping, walking, breathing. So many times I caught myself holding my breath and gasping for air in the middle of simple tasks. Crying, oh my god. My face gets really swallow, and it takes time to go back to normal. I can't cry and pretend nothing happened. You can see it in my face. You can see everything in my face, my eyes. When I lie, I can't look directly at the person's eye, so I look right in between then, but I'm not good at it anyway. It felt inconvenient for me to have this human suit. My father said to me some times it's the price for being in this world, you need it to move around. But I never enjoyed the feeling, so the issues involving the maintenance. Drink water properly, eat - sometimes I would rather die than eat anything. I like to shower, tho, but showering is like I'm erasing slowly, layer by layer, this cage i live in as I scrub the surface. Hard. I also believe that has to deal with my self-harm. I started doing it so young I couldn't remember the first time I hurt myself on purpose. I can't recall how it was, I liked setting things on fire and needles as well. But the cuts came at twelve. It was one of the loneliest times of my life. I couldn't speak, didn't understand. After I finished cutting my whole arm, I stared at it for a while, the blood dripping slowly, super red. I remember I cleaned it with a small scarf that my aunt embroidered. It has stains till this day. Seventeen years later, I still have to handle that. Sometimes, it feels ridiculous. And I could never explain to anyone why I cut myself so I won't attempt suicide again. Why I cut my body so I won't swallow all the medication I could find in my house. Pain is the fastest emotional regulation tool I've ever found. Maybe cause I did it on my own. Trying and failing. It never stopped working, no drug was ever so quick, no psychological technique, no person that tried to help me. Lately, I've having long periods without episodes, but the last one was out of control in a way I've never seen before. I was at work, my belly bleeding, and it didn't stop. I had to leave. I came home to see how swallow, red, it was. I also had some blue and purple bruises around it. It scared me more than my arm how I could do that that fast. For some reason, the part of my brain that's supposed to be responsible for my safety started spinning like crazy. I asked for help. And thought about what my sister told me that I wasn't well, and how im not a regular person that can handle everything alone. I cant. I cant do many things, and that made me even more alone. Every day that went by, I saw the number of texts getting lower and lower till no one asked about me. It's a strange feeling when you know no one is thinking about you. I thought maybe I wished so hard to disappear i was succeeding. Maybe it's a good thing.

Since he died I fell like I'm hanging between this world and the other. I'm halfway. Its exhausting, pulling both sides at the same time. I have to decide which world I wanna be in, but just really, really, really, didn't want to be in a place where he's not anymore.

[liftwellnes]

Eating Disorder Treatment in Westport, CT

Our team of certified and trained eating disorder experts provides comprehensive outpatient and intensive outpatient eating disorder treatment for the following conditions:

Anorexia Nervosa

Bulimia Nervosa

Binge Eating Disorder

Compulsive Overeating or Emotional Eating

Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID)

Compulsive Exercise

Orthorexia

Body Dysmorphia

Chronic Yo-Yo Dieting and Disordered Eating

BODY MATTERS: A TAILORED RECOVERY APPROACH TO EATING AND FEEDING DISORDERS, FOOD ADDICTION, AND PROBLEMATIC BODY IMAGE

As a certified eating disorder specialist and a licensed marital and family therapist, Mary Dobson views eating issues from both an intra-psychic and inter-personal framework.

LIFT employs a multifaceted, results-driven and personalized approach to address the myriad of psychological, neurobiological and medical implications of eating disorders. Our treatment process leverages the strength and power of families (natural environmental supports) as well as skilled auxiliary providers (our partnered panel of medical doctors and nutritionists) in a client’s recovery efforts.

Our weight science informed approach utilizes family-based therapy, exposure response prevention (ERP) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to help clients develop the tools of emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and inter-personal efficacy.

Whether you are facing a clinical eating disorder such as anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder, or struggling with repeated dysfunctional patterns relating to food, exercise and body image, LIFT clinicians work to co-create a personalized action plan with you to set you towards revolutionizing current behavior and unleashing a healthier, happier you.

FOOD AND THE FAMILY

Your relationship with food and body does not merely impact you: it affects family dynamics, romantic relationships, career aspirations and parenting outcomes. Your food choices and amounts send a message about your self estimation to bosses, friends and loved ones. LIFT is the only center on the east coast to effectively implement Family-Based Treatment in an individual’s recovery efforts.

Eating is a family affair. As the former director of residential treatment centers, I have expertise in treating food issues and body loathing, while triaging families in crisis. Children and adolescents take cues about food from parents, loved ones and peers. Often the entire family is in need of a reassessment of eating patterns. In these cases, I will gently work with you to get your family back on track. My approach is nonjudgmental and meet-you-where-you’re-at. Therapy is a journey that we are on together, and the goal is insight that drives behavioural change and an improved quality of life.

— Mary Dobson, LMFT, CEDS, CEO & Executive Director, LIFT Wellness Group

BODY DYSMORPHIA: WHO SUFFERS?

More than ever, societal demands place pressure on both sexes to maintain an unachievable physical ideal. Throughout the media, we see proof that Americans are obsessed with extreme food and exercise behavior.Our culture is obsessed with food: simultaneously glorifying and demonizing it.Learn to break free of the yo-yo of extreme eating and exercise behaviors, while finding balance and enjoyment in food, and love for your body.

We collaborate with the premier eating disorder experts in Fairfield County: registered dietitians, medical doctors and other specialists. We conduct comprehensive assessments of clients to determine a course of action that meets their specific needs and engage professional resources to support clients in their recovery process.

Your life can be richer and more joyful. Your relationship with food and your body matters. You matter. We are waiting to take your call for a phone consultation.

According to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), “35% of ‘normal’ dieters progress to pathological dieting.” For a number of reasons, college students are at increased risk of developing an eating disorder that could have long-term adverse health effects.

To learn more, check out the infographic below created by Regis College’s Post-Master’s Certificate program.

If you’re interested in scheduling an appointment or you’d like more information, please contact us.

[trexova]

The Effect of Meditation on the Brain

The Benefits of Meditation on Brain Health

We have all heard that meditation can help one gain perspective, relieve stress, and calm nerves. However, in what specific ways does meditation improve brain health? Mindfulness training has been shown to result in beneficial physiological changes that strengthen the link between meditative states and the brain.

Meditation has entered the mainstream in recent decades. Individuals are devoting more time to mental exercises, such as focusing on the breath and practicing mindfulness, to better understand and appreciate the significance of the present. It seems like everywhere you look these days, there are many meditation centers near you offering it. Even the business world has joined the trend, as detailed in a recent Business Insider article titled "Silicon Valley is obsessed with meditation, and there's new evidence it changes the brain for the better."

The Mind-Body Connection: Meditation's Brain-Body Benefits

Hippocampus left

Specifically, it is this part of the brain that facilitates learning. Mood regulators like self-awareness and empathy sit here, along with the cognitive tools necessary for learning and memory. Meditation has been shown to increase gray-matter density in the hippocampus, leading to improvements in memory, focus, and other cognitive abilities.

Inferior Cingulate Gyrus

Both daydreaming and the degree to which information processing is subjective and self-referential are linked to activity in the posterior cingulate. The more developed and robust the posterior cingulate, the less likely it is that your thoughts will wander and the more grounded your sense of self will be in reality.

Meditation has many beneficial effects on the mind, but two of the most crucial are developing a nonjudgmental awareness of the present moment and learning to detach from the thoughts and feelings that arise in response to external stimuli. The density of the posterior cingulate appears to increase with meditation. Sometimes it is not possible to do it on my own, look out for meditation centers near you and follow the practices with professionals.

Pons

A large number of the neurotransmitters that play a role in controlling brain activity are synthesized in the Pons, making it a highly active and significant region of the brain. The pons, or bridge, is the Latin word for the middle section of the brain stem. The pons plays an important role in a wide range of vital processes, such as those related to sleep, facial expressions, sensory processing, and basic physical activities. The pons becomes fortified through meditation.

The Temporo Parietal Junction (TPJ)

This is where your temporal and parietal brains meet.

We fancy ourselves to be kind, compassionate, and fair individuals. The TPJ, or temporoparietal junction, is a region of the brain involved in empathy and compassion. One way of putting it is that the TPJ highlights external stimuli while the posterior cingulate highlights internal ones. When we try to understand another person's perspective, we engage the TPJ. The positive changes in our lives that come from meditating, such as reduced stress and increased awareness of the here and now, can help us become the kind of people we aspire to be because of the enhancements to our TPJ.

Amygdala

In addition to the prefrontal cortex, the amygdala also undergoes structural and functional changes as a result of regular meditation meditation practice. But instead of growing, it contracts. Expert meditators have a smaller amygdala, the area of the brain responsible for emotions like anxiety, fear, and stress.

[kylequizon2004]

A Martial Law Crisis of the Filipino Citizens and Their Experiences

Martial law in the Philippines (Filipino: Batas Militar sa Pilipinas) refers to the various historical instances in which the Philippine head of state placed all or part of the country under military control - most prominently during the administration of Ferdinand Marcos, but also during the Philippines' colonial period.

Martial law has historically been implemented through the Armed Force of The Philiphenes and its predecessor bodies, serving as the head of state's primary tool for implementing political power in a reversal of the normal practice of civilian contro of the military.

Under the current Philippine Constitution of the Philippines, the President , as head of state and commander in chief of the armed forces, may declare Martial Law “in case of invasion or rebellion, when the public safety requires it.” Most countries use a different legal construct like "state of emergency ''

Its implementation is usually accompanied by curfews, the suspension of civil law, civil rights, habeas corpus, and the application or extension of military law or military justice to civilians.[citation needed] However, during Marcos' reign, only the writ of habeas corpus was suspended. Civilians who disobey martial law may face military courts (court-martial).

These days, I'm interviewing some of the people who lived through the brutal and gruesome events that occurred during martial law. My grandfather, grandmother, mother, father, aunt, and uncle were among those who ventured during this time. "Too much size and number of bad things happen during martial law," my grandfather and grandmother said. "Some of the scenarios include fighting in every corner and outside every house because of the killing of people with bad intentions such as rapists, thieves, gamblers, addicts, and so on."Due to a severe curfew, no one is allowed to be outside, and every home is staffed with guards and rotating military to ensure the safety and security of all residents. Those who break any of these regulations face imprisonment and harsh punishment, especially if the offense is significant. Outside, some troops swore and cursed the punished people, saying things like "p*T*nG*n@ mo come back here!!!" That's how severe every crisis is at the time". "Every shot and shot of every pistol on the road is left and right," my mom, aunt, and uncle told me. They went on to say that many homes were destroyed during this time, and that every bullet that penetrated the walls of each residence left its mark. Every criminal or felony offender is punished and seated in an electric chair, where they can die by electrocuting their bodies. Our emotional health has also been seriously harmed because we are all frightened of dying as citizens and have learned to be strong and robust in the process".

Despite this, they were proud of each other since they learnt many flaws and lessons from him, which he also used to improve their resilience and courage. Martial law is a legal term that refers to the temporary substitution of military authority for civilian government in times of war, insurrection, or natural disaster. When martial rule is declared, the military commander of a region or country has unrestricted power to enact and enforce laws. As a result, implementing martial law on every Filipino person has the goal of restoring order and/or preserving the country's current leadership.

In addition Martial law, which involves the temporary substitution of military authority for civilian rule and is usually invoked in times of war, rebellion, or natural disaster, may subject citizens who defy it to trial in a military court rather than the usual civil or criminal courts. It involves the temporary substitution of military authority for civilian rule and is usually invoked in times of war, rebellion, or natural disaster. When martial rule is declared, the military commander of a region or country has unrestricted power to enact and enforce laws.

The shortcomings and concerns that every Filipino citizen, particularly those who endured and faced with fortitude through a horrible and forceful period of martial law in the Philippines, will never be forgotten. . It has left many horrible and horrible experiences for every citizen of our country, and the government, students, and archeologists are still investigating and studying the extent of the impact and wealth of the good it has contributed not only to every citizen, but also to the repair and restoration of the Philippines as a whole.

[paradife-loft]

why the nie sect leaders’ inevitable death by qi deviation isn’t (just) about the sabers

(now at AO3!)

So, okay, this is a meta I’ve been working on/wanting to write/dropping hints to various people about now for quite a while! I think it’s significant thematically to some of the main questions MDZS/CQL asks, about cycles of justice and vengeance, the tension between personal agency and aspects of a situation outside one’s control, and good intentions often not being enough on their own, particularly to forestall problems resulting from imperfect or fatally flawed means to an end.

As a fantasy story, I think one of the strengths of MDZS/CQL is how it uses magic to reflect aspects of its thematic questions in certain cases as literal external forces, events that exist in a format outside just a character’s internal journey. The metaphors and proper social and personal orders these characters live by, have very real physical consequences in the world that result from the existence and manipulation of magical/spiritual energies.

And to my view, the part of this that I want to make the case for here, is how this relates to the Nie sect’s cultivation practises, and why I think the clan’s history of leaders succumbing to instability and qi deviation is a more complicated interplay of a few different factors, rather than just an externally-imposed illness whose source is purely their saber spirits.

* * *

Like, okay. The characters and narrative do, in fact, spend a lot of time discussing the Nie sect leaders’ early violent deaths in the context of their sabers’ spirits becoming angry and aggressive and affecting their mental and spiritual stability. So it makes sense to focus on those actual items as the essential reason behind why they qi deviate and end up dying the way they do. But there was something… logically unsatisfying to me about the idea that just the number of edges on your bladed weapon would make such a difference that sword spirits (also generally used for killing! because they’re also deadly weapons!) are apparently morally neutral but sabers, on the other hand, just Cannot Stop with the killing once they’ve gotten a taste of it.

But if you take an experimental step away from the idea that sabers must somehow be Inherently Different from swords in their response to violence - what possible explanations are left? Or, asked a different way - what makes the Nie sect’s ideological cultivation focus distinct from other sects’? The Lan focus on regulation and self-restraint as the path to goodness; the Jiang focus on self-knowledge and following what you know as right even against difficult odds; the Jin seem to emphasise value in beauty and unique rarity… and what the Nie seem to place the most value on, is dispensation of justice and abhorring evil, even to an extent that refuses attempts at compromise.

The only problem is, the justice that they (and plenty of others) seem to focus on most often, is justice for capital crimes - paying with a life for a life - and no matter how righteous and justified the motives, what this still ends up with is a spiritual path that spends a comparatively awful lot of time on seeking others’ deaths. And we see, throughout the story, more than one thematic hint that this is maybe not the best method for moving toward harmony or immortality.

Lan Qiren’s impromptu quiz of Wei Wuxian when the latter is fucking off in class. His example problem specifies the resentful spirit was an executioner in life (societally-sanctioned to kill others for heinous crimes), and Wei Wuxian notes that one who’s killed so many is a very likely sort to become a resentful corpse; meanwhile his many victims also remain tethered to cycles of vengeance and anger, able to be easily stirred up into a force of resentful energy that would target him if their corpses were disturbed.

The dialogue between Wei Wuxian and Fang Mengchen in the Burial Mounds after the attempted siege turns into the major sects being saved from a trap. It’s all very fine and good to hold a grudge, to see a lack of justice for a harm that can’t ever be undone or repaired when the one who caused it gets to be alive and well (or even not!), but as Wei Wuxian says - what are you going to do about it? It’s so easy for there to always be a wrong that needs righting (in a real or alleged guilty party’s blood). But will it get you anywhere? Can a person, can a society, mete out justice or vengeance once and have that wipe the slate clean, or will the wound reopen again and demand yet more suffering? Where does it end?

The discussion about the Nie’s ancestral saber halls with Huisang, where Wei Wuxian notes that the method of suppressing the saber spirits edges rather close to demonic cultivation. In literal terms, that question seems to be directed at the actual use of evil individuals’ transforming corpses to contain the sabers’ power. But I think the entire conversation, and Huisang’s need to swear them to secrecy and enlistment as backup if other clans find out and get angry, contains a certain amount of thematic subtext reflecting not just on the saber tomb itself, but the Nie clan’s cultivation as a whole. These are significant and revered family heirlooms, not easily or justly discarded, but maintaining them isn’t without cost, and the spiritual fallout rests on the edge of a knife, needing the perpetual presence of an evil to fight to remain in balance: the saber tomb is both the literal and metaphorical end result of the clan leaders’ cultivation path.

“But why,” you may ask, “if the principles underlying the Nie sect’s whole culture have an edge that’s sharper and more harmful to the user’s qi than other cultivation philosophies of the rest of the sword-using sects, do we only see “death by qi deviation” as an issue for the sect leaders, and not more widespread among a larger portion of the disciples?”

And that’s where the “(just)” part of the title of this post comes in, because that aspect is where the difference comes down to the sabers - or, specifically, the named sabers that have spirits of their own. The spiritual sabers aren’t bloodthirsty and excited to haunt and/or kill people right out of the gate, but rather, as Huisang explains, they become restless after spending their wielder’s lifetime destroying evil. A cultivator and their spiritual tools develop a relationship over time, as their cultivation is practised and refined - they bond, they recognise one another, and crucially, they seem to be able to share a kind of spiritual feedback loop, with the energies and intentions of one connecting to and ideally bolstering the strength of the other. The Nie clan in general seems marked by particularly strong relationships between individual cultivator and weapon, considering the sabers’ refusal to allow a clan leader’s descendants to inherent them, and both the circumstances of Mingjue’s father’s death and his own trauma reaction to that death.

So in this case, the illness and eventual qi deviations the Nie clan leaders suffer, the way the saber spirits come to weigh on their minds and emotions, make sense to me as a confluence of the particularly close bond and almost spiritual symbiosis between wielder and weapon, and the particular subject of emphasis that the clan leader lives by in how they train with and use that weapon. Focusing on justice as killing, as violent destruction of evil (the last resort one should aspire to after other solutions have failed, per Lan Qiren’s lesson), may not be the most spiritually healthy in any circumstance, but it’s only when you have half a lifetime’s worth of a mental feedback loop between you and this external, semi-sentient part of yourself that’s reinforcing the spiritual toll of that path, that you actually end up with a resulting qi deviation and death.

* * *

So, anyway, I do want to be clear having put forth this argument, that my point here is not to condemn the Nies, nor for that matter blame the sect leaders for their own deaths - that’s very much not in line with how the text itself displays flaws and virtues as two sides of the same coin (at times divided only by the context around them), and shows how destructive consequences can result from the best of intentions. For that matter, each major sect has unquestionably valuable basic principles at its heart, and just like microcosms of any culture, society, or group, displays instances of those principles being distorted, misaimed, or taken to extremes in ways that cause disharmony and pain to those in their path.

I think the way it plays out for the Nie clan just interests me in particular because of the way their uniqueness in cultivation method plays such known havoc with its members’ bodies and minds, and the way it straddles the divide between upright and demonic cultivation. MDZS asks, I think, more questions than it offers definitive answers to, and a significant one of those is, even if vengeance, even if death-as-justice is righteous, where do you balance all the harm done to others (up to and including) the justice-seeker in deciding whether to continue down that path of action?

And if it’s the Nie sect’s spiritual focus in combination with the spirits of their sabers that wear down a slow stream of damage to their qi, rather than simply the external threat of the sabers alone - that seems congruent, to me, with the suggestions offered elsewhere in the story.

[poychachi]

How to Fix “White Room Syndrome”

@writinghaven on instagram [SOURCE: poisonedappleclub.wordpress.com]

What is White Room Syndrome?

White Room Syndrome refers to writing that lacks grounding in physical reality – lacks even basic description, in terms of setting. There is no sense of place, and there are just dialogue and characters. Scenes that might as well be taking place in a white room – hence the name.

Here are some things to consider so you can fix this: 

Emotional texture – Setting as metaphor : This is the first possible way to approach this, and the one I personally use the most. The setting is a metaphor for the character’s internal struggle. One of my favorites is when Luke Skywalker wrestles between good and evil with his father, while outside, an epic battle rages between the rebels and the Empire. Another is use of things like weather, use of types of buildings, certain animals, or objects.

Setting as character: Speaking of which, your setting is a character as much as your people. Meaning, it needs to have a journey. If it’s night when your character faces a deadly enemy and loses, make it bright day, when she realizes what went wrong, and how exactly to defeat them. Make it dawn on her (Get it? Sorry. My bad). If your character lies to her love in the kitchen, have the character have the honest heart to hearts about the morally questionable deeds, outside in the alleyway. That sounds a little random, but you get my point.

Visual texture – Setting as conflict, obstacle and tone : This is one of my favorite tools as a writer, and it’s one of the most powerful and memorable. This one goes back to the setting’s purpose, and life outside the character. Remember, the characters have a life outside of each other, and the setting is character. If it is a hotel, have bell hops, managers, people checking in, carrying room service, etc. Lemony Snicket does this like magic : with a hotel that is based on the Dewey decimal system (obstacle, as no one is intimately familiar with it), has strange customers wearing lettuce, asking for crossbows, setting the quirky, strange and humorous tone, and also offering physical conflict, such as hidden secrets, codes, uniform and concierge duties.

Social differences and dialogue differences : This is where your setting’s rules come into play. In a school, oddly like a prison, no one is allowed to go outside until their time’s up. They have meals and lessons at regulated times, talk to each other and go out at regulated times. In a restaurant, the rules are ask the waiter for orders instead of stalking into the kitchen. In a hospital, you fill out forms and wait for your turn. How you play to these rules, and occasionally break these rules makes for compelling storytelling. One good way of doing this is by giving your characters a number from one to ten. This is a social exercise. In a restaurant, your waiter will rank lower than a customer, in a hospital, a doctor higher than a nurse and in a school, adults more than children. This is a good way of understanding how interactions are colored by our social standing. No one addresses a waiter the way they address a doctor.

Sense of place : This is the most elusive one to grasp, but also one of the most important. In novels, a sense of place can be evoked in dual ways: an inclusion of all the senses, instead of just sight. Use smell, taste and touch to center your characters in their setting, and have them experience the place instead of it merely being a place where they can have their interaction. Have it affect them in some way. Places like their homes, their schools, their cities, have specific experiences in store for the characters. The other senses give you an immersive experience. The other way is an acute understanding of your setting’s rules. Some things happen. Is it the badlands? The seedy underbelly of the city? The celestial palace where damsels dance in front of Gods? The no-good town full of vice? Is it a lonely paradise in the mountains where warrior-monks brew their own beer?

[nanoland]

title: Compass Rose 

series: Lucifer (TV) 

pairings: Mazikeen/Eve

summary: In which Mazikeen exercises her renowned patience. 

warnings: Lucifer is kind of a dick in this. Not intentionally; he’s just young and colossally self-centered. 

 Also on Ao3! 

0 

“You. Demon. What’s your name?” asks the Morningstar, looking bored and depressed, as usual.

She straightens up, brimming with nerves and excitement, feeling her acidic blood bubble happily because he’s so handsome! And he’s talking to her! Her siblings will shriek with jealousy when they hear of this. “Mazikeen, my liege.”

“Mazikeen,” he repeats, mispronouncing it. “Great. Maze, do something about… all that, would you? It’s dreadfully grating.”

He gestures to the sea of damned, miserable human souls milling around the base of his throne, calling up to him for help or mercy.

“Yes, my liege,” she says, her bright mind already hard at work planning the next few millennia of punishment.

 0 

“Maze, is there a letter from Amenadiel?”

Mazikeen is now four hundred years old and in all that time, not a single letter has arrived in Hell, from Amenadiel or anyone else. Regardless, her handsome king asks every week.

It’s fine. She’s far too mature and cunning to feel even the slightest scrap of envy towards some pompous old angel she’s never even met, regardless of how obviously Lucifer loves him.

Regardless of how obvious it is that he loves no one in Hell half as much.

“No, my liege.”

“Hmm. Fine. Whatever. Fuck him, then. Brothers – who needs ‘em?”

She nods. She herself has many, many brothers, and sisters, and siblings who are neither or both, and she certainly doesn’t need them.

(Sometimes she longs for them, especially when she’s weary from the years and years dedicated to building and securing Lucifer’s kingdom, but she never needs. Needing is for the weak.)

It occurs to her that that king might be cheered by stories of Tradiusis, her most treasured and most useless brother, who is prone to chatting with the damned and asking them about all the silly human indulgences they enjoyed in life, like movies and theme parks and hot dogs. Fool that he is, the mere thought of him always brings a smile to her face.

But she decides against it, suspecting that if she were to begin telling Lucifer about her family, he’d get that same dull, faintly irritated expression she sees every time she reads him a report about the number of new arrivals and how various parts of Hell will need to be restructured to accommodate them all.

(She wonders what will happen when Hell is full – does he have a plan? Is she expected to have a plan?)

(How long, exactly, are they supposed to keep doing this?)

(Surely this can’t be all they were made for?)  

 0  

“Maze, get me a drink, would you?”

Mazikeen is Lucifer’s right hand, his bodyguard, the highest-ranked demon in Hell, named the Lady of Pain, the Whirlwind, and the Blood Dancer by her peers and underlings.

Pouring drinks is… new to her.

But this is what he wants; this club, this loud music, these inebriated humans constantly demanding attention and entertainment, constantly needing to be managed. And he’s her king.

She pours him his drink and listens to him play the piano, until some wretch attempts to grope her and loses two fingers.

 0 

Running a nightclub is, it turns out, complicated.

There are all sorts of rules and regulations regarding what can and cannot be done inside it.

At one point, Lucifer decides it would be fun to have white tigers roaming the dance floor. After a few days spent looking into that option, she has to explain that they may to have settle for waitresses dressed as tigers. He pouts like it’s her fault and goes back to the piano.

She’s also not allowed to kill anyone, which is, honestly, ridiculous. Mazikeen is an ancient being, a warrior nigh unparalleled, with centuries of experience contending with the worst the human race has to offer, and every single night she endures treatment from at least one of Lucifer’s guests that, even to her vast, reasonable, and patient mind, clearly warrants swift annihilation.

If murder is, indeed, illegal, how do all the mortal women in this city who serve drinks cope?

“You block it out, I guess,” says Suzy, a waitress with thick red hair and tired eyes, after Mazikeen has had to save her yet again from a patron with wandering hands (and now broken hands). “You know, just… don’t let it get to you. Grow a thick skin.”

Mazikeen considers the half of her body that has no skin whatsoever and snickers inappropriately. Then she gifts Suzy one of her knives.

 0 

Chloe gasps. “Maze! No! Absolutely not!”

“Why?” she asks, annoyed but also genuinely curious.

“I can’t just torture a suspect to get information, Maze. It’s wrong.”

Mazikeen considers saying: You already torture people. You lock them up in tiny boxes until their minds break and their lives are utterly ruined. How is that different? I don’t understand.

Mazikeen considers saying: You let Lucifer violate peoples’ innermost selves to obtain information. How is that better? I don’t understand.

Mazikeen considers saying: I don’t want to be good. I don’t care about being good. So why do I seem to put so much more thought into how to be good than you do? I don’t understand, I don’t, I don’t.

Instead, Mazikeen rolls her eyes and says nothing.

 0 

“Maze! No! What were you thinking?” cries Linda, rushing over to the cradle. “You can’t give that to a baby!”

She snatches away Mazikeen’s present; a blade, small and silver, just right for tiny hands, the same blade Mazikeen herself received from her favourite sister on her fourth birthday. It has tasted the blood of over a hundred enemies.

Charlie starts to cry and Linda puts the blade aside so she can pick him up and comfort him.

“Children need to be able to protect themselves,” Mazikeen insists.

“No, Maze. Children need to be protected.”

“No one protected me.”

Linda doesn’t say: Exactly. Why would I want my son to be anything like you?

Because Linda is kind.

But Mazikeen is perceptive and she sees it in her friend’s eyes all the same.

 0 

“So then, then it turns out that Jon Snow is actually Daenarys Targaryen’s cousin, right, which makes him – oh no! – a rival contender for the Iron Throne, and…”

“Ugh,” Mazikeen groans, cutting Ella off. “I thought this was a show about dragons! Why does it waste so much time on people either fucking or killing their relatives?”

She laughs at Mazikeen’s exaggerated annoyance. “It’s not just about dragons. There’s a lot of stuff about politics and war and, yeah, fucked-up family dynamics. Honestly, that’s one of the reasons it grips me so much. My own family’s always got a ton of drama going on, too. I mean – no incest. Not that I’m aware of. But you know all about my brothers.”

Mazikeen is about to ask what the dragons look like – whether the show’s version bears any resemblance to the beasts she’s ridden into battle – when Ella tilts her head sideways and squints at her. “Huh. Now that I think about it… I’ve told you all about my brothers but I’ve never asked anything about your family. That was shitty of me! Can I ask now? Or is it, like, one of those things you don’t talk about? Like where you’re from and how you met Lucifer?”

Fiddling with a lock of her hair – it’s straight and black today – Mazikeen says, “I don’t mind talking about it. Just… most people don’t care.”

Ella frowns, briefly (cutely, curse her). “Well, I wanna know! You got any brothers?”

“Yeah.”

“How many?”

“A lot. I’m not actually sure exactly how many there are now.”

“Oh, right. Gotcha. Are you close to any of them?”

“Not these days. But when we were young, we were pretty tight-knit. Didn’t really have anyone besides each other.”

Ella asks her more questions and though she has to keep her answers extremely vague, Mazikeen finds that she likes talking about her home and her childhood. Prolonged exposure to the human world has begun to make her feel insubstantial; a tool, a disguise, a thing without roots or history. Lucifer’s been no help with that, for he’s only ever known her as his servant (and, sometimes, when he’s in a good mood, his friend, by virtue of the fact that friendship with someone who works for you – who can do nothing but work for you – requires no tedious emotional labour whatsoever).

It’s nice to remember that she has, in fact, been other things. That she could, perhaps, be other things in the future.

 0 

“So,” Dan slurs, hunched over his beer. “You got whores… hordes… horns? Thought demons had horns.”

She’s busy applying a fresh coat of candy-pink lipstick to match her powder-blue bob. “Some do. I don’t.”

“Well, that sucks. That’s not fair! You deserve horns. You’re cool, Maze.”

Because that provokes a twinge of genuine affection, she says, “Wanna see what I have got?”

“Hell, yeah!”

He grins drunkenly.

“You need to promise not to scream.”

“Oh – oh, man, is it scary? Is it gross?”

She shows him her true face.

After a moment of owlish blinking, he shrugs and returns to his beer. “Eh. S’not that gross. Lucifer’s grosser. Wanna play pool?”

 0 

Amenadiel presents her with a beautiful black sheath. “I crafted it from my own feathers. It will keep the blade contained until he’s old enough to wield it safely.”

She slides Charlie’s knife into it. “Someone will need to teach him.”

“Who taught you?”

“Me? No one. They just threw us at one another and clapped for whoever survived. But… well. He’s not like me, is he?”

The angel places the sheathed blade down beside Charlie’s stuffed rabbit and plastic truck. “Maybe not now. With any luck, that will change.”

 0 

“Ma-aaze,” Lucifer groans, flopping back in his armchair with his long legs artfully folded and his hand over his eyes. “I’ve had such a tiresome morning. Pour me a drink, would you?”

“Pour it your damn self,” she suggests, standing on his penthouse’s balcony and admiring the view. His throne in Hell was about as tall as this building. From up here, all the little people down below look exactly the same.

He pouts and fetches a glass – and, to her surprise, one for her as well.

 0 

Mazikeen brings an abrupt, efficient end to the bar fight by slamming her palm into an assailant’s solar plexus.

He drops like a ton of bricks, joining the pile of groaning men, broken furniture, and smashed bottles. (Shit; it’s going to take ages to clean all this up. If Lucifer didn’t have infinite money, Lux would have gone bankrupt eight times by now.)

She turns to see Eve staring at her, beautiful mouth hanging open, and braces herself for the “Maze! No!”.

“That was so cool,” Eve breathes, and rushes over to leap into Mazikeen’s arms, only to draw back at the last second. “Oh no! You’re hurt!”

There is, indeed, a small cut on Mazikeen’s left hand.

“Don’t care, doesn’t matter,” says Mazikeen, reaching for her, wanting badly to be kissed.

But Eve drags her into a quiet back room where she applies disinfectant and bandaids with cartoon cats on them.

“I really wanna learn how you did that thing with your elbow,” she chatters, wiping away a few spots of blood with a white handkerchief. “The way his nose just went crunch! – man, it was fantastic.”

“I can teach you. If you like.”

Eve’s dark eyes are fond. “You’re always offering to do something for me – to teach me how to fight, or to carry something, or to protect me. It’s… like, I love it. But you know you don’t have to, right?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“I wanna do stuff for you sometimes. Oh! That reminds me. Lucifer was going to take Chloe to a wrestling match but then they had another fight and he’s back to being sad, sooo I stole the tickets out of his jacket. Wanna go?”

“I love you,” says Mazikeen, even though she’s said it five times today. She likes the way it sounds in her mouth. She likes the way it makes Eve’s whole face sparkle.

“I love you too, babe.”

[pruinesce-a2]

META: TODOROKI FUYUMI + COMPLEX PTSD.

this meta is gonna probably going to heavily reference child abuse and domestic abuse, so please don’t read if you’re vulnerable to those topics. i used a read more but i don’t think they’re working. ON TO THE META

complex ptsd ( c-ptsd ) generally develops as a result of chronic trauma, over months or years, most often experience throughout childhood; it’s rare ( but definitely not unheard of ! ) that it will develop in an adult, because, as the article i’m going to pick apart states,   “ when an adult experiences a traumatic event, they have more tools to understand what is happening to them, their place as a victim of that trauma, and know they should seek support even if they don't want to. children don't possess most of these skills, or even the ability to separate themselves from another's unconscionable actions. the psychological and developmental implications of that become complexly woven and spun into who that child believes themselves to be -- creating a messy web of core beliefs much harder to untangle than the flashbacks, nightmares and other posttraumatic symptoms that come later. ”

emotion regulation.   “ survivors with c-ptsd have a very difficult time with emotions -- experiencing them, controlling them, and for many, just being able to comprehend or label them accurately. many have unmanaged or persistent sadness, either explosive or inaccessible anger [...] they may be chronically numb, lack the appropriate affect in certain situations, be unable to triage sudden changes in emotional content [...] it's also very common for these survivors to re-experience emotions from trauma intrusively - particularly when triggered. these feelings are often disproportionate to the present situation, but are equal to the intensity of what was required of them at the time of a trauma -- also known as an emotional flashback. ”

the first things that stand out to me here: fuyumi easily fits the criteria of unmanaged or persistent sadness, but what really catches my eye is the concept of inaccessible anger. the boys very clearly fall under explosive anger, but fuyumi ... is seemingly never angry. it's a common point of contention in many posts i’ve seen about her; that she’s not reacting the way she should as a victim of abuse, that she “undermines” her brothers’ trauma by wanting to forgive her father. first of all i shouldn’t have to remind the fandom that she, too, is a victim of that abuse but it’s also entirely untrue that she’s disregarding her brothers because she even canonically identifies that she feels the same way they do - she identifies that yes, she is angry, yes, she understands they’re well within their rights to be so. but unlike them, this anger is ... far away. fuyumi, physically, emotionally, cannot bring that anger to the front. it’s frustrating for her, too. 

i also want to point out the last sentence in this point: emotional flashbacks + the phrase “ what was require of them at the time of a trauma. ” an important thing to note is that often times, throughout fuyumi’s experience with these events … she’s the level-headed one. she’s the calm one. she’s the one mediating. this isn’t a new behavior - in an effort to mitigate her father’s abuse, this calm, peaceful nature is what these traumatic events have required of her, and as such, when anything begins to show potential for going wrong, she reverts back to this behavior.

explosive anger + disproportionate intensities in a certain situation definitely apply to natsuo; see the way he gets so angry over seemingly minute comments. touya / dabi is just. all over the place w/ this one he’s in all of it

difficulty with self-perception.   “ in its simplest form, how they see themselves versus how the rest of the world does can be brutally different. some may feel they carry or actually embody nothing but shame and shameful acts - that they are "bad".  others believe themselves to be fundamentally helpless; they were let down by so many who could've stopped their abuse but didn't [...] many see themselves as responsible for what happened to them [...] and, countless others may feel defined by stigma, believe they are nothing more than their trauma, worry they're always in the way or a burden, or they may sense they're just completely and utterly different from anyone or anything around them - they are alien. startling as it is, all of these feelings and more can live inside someone whom, to you, seems like the most brilliant, competent, strong, and compassionate human being you know. ”

she holds herself partially responsible for her father’s abuse - this is ALSO outright stated as canon, as seen here and here. the idea of helplessness, and particular bringing in the idea of learned helplessness ( thank u  @/unsighty for pointing that out ) is ALSO very important to note here ... note in the shifuku page she says, “ i couldn’t do anything for shouto. ” both fuyumi AND natsuo also probably struggle with the idea of being a burden ( that neglect says hello ! ) / being in the way, too.

i also really like this note about how these feelings can be present in someone labeled “ brilliant, competent, strong, and compassionate ” ... because that’s exactly what fuyumi is seen as.

interruptions in consciousness.   “ some may forget traumatic events (even if they knew of them once before), relive them intrusively, recall traumatic material in a different chronological order, or other distressing experiences of what is called dissociation. dissociation is a symptom that exists on a spectrum, ranging anywhere from harmless daydreaming or temporarily "spacing out"; to more disruptive episodes of feeling disconnected from one's body or mental processes, not feeling real, or losing time; all the way to the most severe, which includes switching between self-states (or alters), as is seen in dissociative identity disorder. episodes of missing time can range anywhere from a few minutes, a couple days, or even large chunks of one's childhood. The larger gaps in time are typically only seen in did, but those with c-ptsd alone can still endure 'interruptions in consciousness' that result in memory gaps, poor recall, traumatic material that is completely inaccessible, or, conversely, re-experiencing trauma against their will (e.g. flashbacks, intrusive images, body memories, etc.). ”

while this is definitely a symptom we see more of in shouto ( my boy is dissociating 24/7 ) , fuyumi experiences it sometimes as well. memory gaps, poor recall, and particularly re-experiencing trauma applies to fuyumi here - i think by and large she deals with intrusive imagery; i.e., while she’s in the kitchen, if she hears shouto nearby, or sometimes if she hears the kettle whistling / crying on the tv, she gets a flood of memories of shouto and her mother on the floor in the kitchen.

i think dabi can definitely be HEAVILY attributed to the idea of these losses in time, disconnecttions and self-states - and like with fuyumi, he definitely experiences intrustive imagery. we see that here, i think.

difficulty with relationships.   “ this refers more to a survivor's potential to feel completely isolated from peers and not even knowing how to engage, to harboring an outright refusal to trust anyone (or just not knowing why they ever should), trusting people way too easily (including those who are dangerous, due to a dulled sense of alarm), perpetually searching for a rescuer or to do the rescuing, seeking out friends and partners who are hurtful or abusive because it's the only thing that feels familiar, or even abruptly abandoning relationships that are going well for any number of reasons. ”

fuyumi, first of all, definitely struggles to know how to engage with her peers. she’s outgoing and clearly a people person - so it’s often a question why she’s so nervous and struggles to make relationships and ... well. here’s why.

i don’t think fuyumi outright refuses to trust anyone, but there is intense hesitance and unsureness, particular for certain groups of people: men, people who are much taller & bigger than her, people who have some kind of fire affinity / ability, and people who are loud. the idea of perpetually searching for a rescuer, or to do the rescuing ... while typically you might think she falls under the former ( and i think she does, in a way. fuyumi never talks about her trauma, but her concept of love ties into this - someone who can take her away from her father, someone who has the power to do that? someone who is unafraid of him, or someone that he has no hold over? yeah. looking @ kenta n nishiki w this one ), fuyumi also searches to do the rescuing. once again i’m referencing this page - “ she became a teacher to compensate the fact that she couldn’t protect her younger brother. ”

i’m also pointing at the “dulled sense of alarm” - in my canon, fuyumi, for example, went out and put herself in the way of danger and met with less than savory contacts in an attempt to find information on dabi, once she got the inkling he might be touya.

obviously shouto and natsuo also have this urge to rescue, and dabi doesn’t trust anyone.

the perception of one's perpetrators.   “ this can be one of the most insidious battles for some survivors with c-ptsd -- even if it seems crystal clear to those on the outside. victims of such prolonged trauma may eventually surrender, assuming their abuser(s) total power over them, possibly even maintaining this belief once they're 'free'. "i'll always be under their thumb, they call all the shots, they may even know what's best for me more than i ever will." others may feel deep sadness or profound guilt at just the thought of leaving them - including long after they've successfully left, if they were able. some may remain transfixed by their abuser's charming side or the warm public persona that everyone loves; it may feel truly impossible to think ill of them. many hold a constant longing for their abusers to just love them - craving their praise well into adulthood, slaving away in their personal lives just to make them proud. alternatively, there are others who may obsess about them angrily, holding only hatred and disdain for them to the point of persistent bitterness and/or vengefulness. some can even stir desires to seek that revenge. (though, it should be clearly noted that it's not at all common for them to actually do so. It's more about the thoughts than the actions.)

    many survivors can have a primary, more surface-layer set of thoughts and feelings about their perpetrator(s), particularly when asked. they may know what they're "supposed to say" or "supposed to feel", and then follow suit. but it's helpful to know that a collection of all these responses can, and often does, coexist within one person, vacillating between extremes underneath what's shown to the world or even to themselves. day to day, and year to year, their feelings may shift - and - what the survivor knows to be true intellectually versus what they feel emotionally may remain incongruent for a very long time. ”

OKAY SO. THAT’S A BIG ONE. THAT’S A LOT TO READ. but i think it’s very, very important to fuyumi’s reaction to her trauma, and also to the fandom misconceptions of her. fuyumi clearly is very attached to her father. there’s no denying that. and the particular sentences that stand out to me here are “some may remain transfixed by their abuser’s charming side or public persona” and “they know what they’re supposed to feel”. i’ve said continuously that her father being a hero, and one so well-known and praised at that, has HEAVILY affected her views of him ! as a child fuyumi conflagrated his public persona as the “real” him. she struggled with this...... idea that his violence + aggression were a kind of "fake" version of him - aka "that's not the real him", "he's not always like that", "he used to be a lot nicer", etc. etc. and it’s only as she got older that she moved away from this line of thinking, though she still catches herself with it now and then. and, of course, fuyumi only ever wanted his attention and praise. she worked tirelessly to please him, trying to get him to come to her skating competitions, getting top marks in school, attending todai, always having dinner on the table in spite of her obligations.

it’s also so important to note the second paragraph in this section. fuyumi knows she should be enraged, she should want nothing to do with him, but that’s just ... really difficult for her, i think, especially when unlike shouto and natsuo, she remains in that environment. so there’s this disconnect between her desire for his love + making him proud, to defend him, to make their family “whole” again vs. the knowledge that she shouldn’t want anything to do with him.

natsuo holds that persistent bitterness, and dabi definitely wants revenge so um. yes. next point

one's 'system of meanings'.   “ of the many, many well-observed developmental disruptions those with c-ptsd face, one that many find to be the toughest to conquer [...] is what's referred to as one's 'system of meanings' ; an area that, after being subjected to such tumultuous trauma, can feel almost irreparable. what this criterion is referring to is the struggle to hold on to any kind of sustaining faith or belief that justice will ever be served to indiscretions of ethics and morality. these survivors' outlook on life and the world at large can be unfairly contorted, and understandably so.

    they may doubt there is any goodness or kindness in the world that isn't selfish-hearted. they may worry they'll never find forgiveness. others may even believe they only came to this world to be hurt, so there can be no good coming for them. this level of hopelessness and despair, as well as these greater meanings assigned to their suffering, can fluctuate greatly over time. there may even come several years where things no longer feel so bleak or as though they were conned of a meaningful life. but, as more layers of trauma are processed in therapy, or new memories bubble to the surface, they may wrestle with it once more as new feelings strike a devastating chord inside their chest. this is a common experience for so many survivors, and can have lasting ramifications with each plunge. ”

this point is, clearly, much more extreme in her brothers. shouto’s aggravation at being reprimanded for breaking the law when it meant doing good; natsuo’s clear resentment of heroes; and this one is, of course, most prevalent in dabi. see: “ the struggle to hold on to any kind of sustaining faith or belief that justice will ever be served to indiscretions of ethics and morality, ” or “ they may doubt there is any goodness or kindness in the world that isn't selfish-hearted. they may worry they'll never find forgiveness. ” LIKE HELLO. the hatred of heroes, the idolization of stain. SCREAMS DABI

i think fuyumi’s ‘system of meanings’ is ... much less disturbed than her brothers’ ( COUGH DABI COUGH ), but there still is some disruption there. by and large, fuyumi still believes that the good in the world outweighs the bad - but the disruption in her belief is also going to be that the hero system is a falsity, it’s a sham, it’s glorified and she inherently dislikes the concept of heroism. 

so anyway. i’m upset hbu

[beautifulphoenixdoll]

CENTER OF HOPE

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am ashamed to say that, and I shouldn’t be. I never judge anyone else or anyone else’s diagnosis. I did not ask for this condition. But I have it, like several millions who have mental health illnesses. For the first time in the history of the human species Mental Health is being discussed amongst each other openly in much more public avenues. That being said, I feel it is my due diligence to use my voice, and share what it has been like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder. Imagine a blister, fragile to the touch, prone to infection, with just a thin layer of skin protecting your insides from being exposed to collecting dirt or other bacteria that cause a fatal infection if untreated. A borderline female is a beautiful and chaotic thing. On one hand we tend to be the most loving, creative, sensitive, thoughtful, and compassionate beings. On the other we have spent our lives taking in messages and our surroundings and using them against ourselves, feeling controlled by our emotions, afraid of our own brains and the places our thoughts can lead us to. A common thread is that we mostly we have spent our lives in SO much pain. Pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Pain that a razor or blade soothe, for a blades sharp edge doesn’t even come close to how we are feeling inside but is sharp enough to distract us from the pain within. We are known to seek attention at any cost. Starving ourselves, or overeating. Whether its selling our bodies, offering our bodies, or treating our own like nothing more then a sexual object we seek the comfort of someone elses to let us know we are alright, that we are indeed desired, that we can be “loved”. Because we hate the skin were in. Because having someone’s hand on us even if it is just for a night means we don’t have to be alone.  Being Alone is the scariest place to be. Alone the pain is magnified and something that would rub a non bpd the wrong way could make us feel like we want to end it all and just die. We convince ourselves that living—living is just too hard, and that this pain…. This all consuming pain that cripples us physically, emotionally, spiritually—I  mean all around-- will never end. There are times where we see clearly. Those are the times we are happy to be alive. We get another day to enjoy the sun that beams brightly on our faces—you can see when were happy, when we are in love, when we believe in something positive and strongly—you will never question how we feel—for we cannot hide it… we are open souls and we are open hearted and the least judgemental creatures that are seeking to be understood while trying to understand our own sense of self. That is where Borderline Personality gets tricky--- especially young borderlines because our brains, sense of time, and worldly knowledge are still so far from being fully developed. Not only do we have a lot to learn but we have to learn it while our brain is on fire. And that is the thing—I Spent most of my life fighting my BPD symptoms on top of just trying to have a life, go to school, make friends, be a good daughter and sister, and girlfriend… and it was all just too much to take on. A simple task became the end of the world for me--- no one would ask someone to stitch up a hole on the back of their jeans while they were stuck in their house that was on fire surrounded by flames… they would tell them to get out. And that is how I felt—entitled to get out, in any way, any shape, or form… I just had to get out of my brain.  But in the moment how do you explain that to someone who doesn’t understand that sewing up a hole with needle and thread pushes you off the edge? And that was what it was like when I was emotionally dysregulated. I was and can be a DANGER to myself. I wouldn’t harm a fly-a rat-a mouse, but I am the most LETHAL when it comes to myself, and myself only. Some of us break things, I did. But only to demonstrate the rage that built up inside of me. Only to show people that inside I am indeed hurting to this amount. The desire to be understood, or for someone to tell us that they too feel similarly—is so needed and helpful in the most profound way. I say this because without meeting the wonderful human beings I have met in treatment facilities suffering from BPD or other mental health diagnosis—all with gifts and challenges and a battle to fight of their own-- I would never EVER have the courage to come forward and share my experience.

It is in breaking my anonymity that I want to share with everyone that suffers with a mental health diagnosis that you are not alone. That you have nothing to be ashamed of, and that you can have a healthy and productive life with a recovery plan. Mental Health Treatment is much like attending AA—you need a DAILY reprieve to battle your condition. Without a treatment plan, without the proper and continuous and regimented medication (if needed), therapy, support system, and schedule you will have a much rougher time combating whatever youre facing. Not only is mental health a booming topic of discussion but the field itself is growing in ways that are remarkable. I spent so long fighting my diagnosis, fighting the treatment, fighting taking medication, fighting was recommended because I did not want to have my diagnosis. I did not want to believe I was in a category of people that needed pills to function normally—but how many people take medication every day to make sure their bones stay strong, or help with their lactose intolerant problems?

Everyday I wake up and re commit to another day of making sure my mental health is my number one priority—and the first thing I do is reminding myself that I ACCEPT myself for everything that I am. That I am not my diagnosis but that I indeed have Borderline. With practice and effort the things that once seemed so heavy no longer are, but only because I have been attending a diagnostic program where I have been able to set up a structured schedule that I will maintain after leaving. I noticed that If I sleep at the same time and wake at the same time, I am a different person. I noticed that with daily physical exercise even if it means walking for an hour I feel much better about myself and my body stays energized. Meditation is so crucial. As long as I meditate once a day in the morning my entire day tends to go positively. I have become a huge fan of DBT. I was not always a fan- especially as an adolescent --- oh how against it I once was… The workbook and concepts that were (this is putting it lightly) mundane, boring, and militant are what my mind craves. I love the structure-I love what it has given back to me.

The young girl who was so terrified of herself and her own brain knows that feelings are just feelings—I mean I always understood that saying but I never had any control of my own feelings—I was a runner. You couldn’t get me to sit still, or spend an evening alone with having a complete meltdown EVER. I am so strong now that I laugh at that—I laugh because I am free. I am smiling as I write this because I know that I have the skills to face things, have done so here at lidner. I smashed the fear of having to sit through things, to get through things on my own that used to CONSUME me WHOLE—and now do it happily because that means that I AM in control not the other way around. Lindner and DBT has given me, myself back. There is not a better gift once can receive after being lost for so long.  I keep thinking gosh I want to share it with everyone—I feel like ive been given this secret remedy--- so I have never been more excited to start my life, to give back, to try and help others who are still struggling  battling themselves, their brains, their emotions this wonderful tool that not only has saved my life but has also given me myself back.

Can I say it again: I am in control of my emotions- I can sit with them- I can stay self regulated- I can challenge my thoughts and not be afraid- I handle crisis’ without making things worse and I definitely without a doubt have more better days then bad ones. Who would have ever thought this would happen? It surely feels like a dream, but its happened since January 7th 2021—and it will continue to happen because Ive been given the key, and its not going anywhere else except for in my daily routine.

[og-danny-dorito]

Bucky Barnes SFW Headcanons

a new hyperfixation to avoid my growing anxiety with my personal life? yall already know whats up, and i'm feeling angsty so brace yourself

PUBLISHED :  2 - 17 - 20

S F W : 

- to start off of a positive and happy note (jk you already know thats not how it works) its very likely that upon first meeting, any touch directed towards him is met with an alarmed grunt and/or a slap of your hand away

- anything unsolicited makes him nervous and uncomfortable, so if you really do want to pat his shoulder or hug him or something like that you'd have to ask if it's okay first. now it's pretty easy to see the reasoning behind this but for those doubting it i will explain

- big man has been trained to kill in hand to hand combat and advanced weaponry and countless other things, meaning that he's pretty much wired by this point to have a gut reaction that automatically goes to the fight or flight instinct. it doesn't make logical sense that he wouldn't get uncomfortable and jumpy at loud noises and unsolicited touching since his ptsd has accumulated over the years to MAKE him react like that. he doesn't want to accidentally punch you in the teeth

- like yeah he's all tough and shit and could break the a dude’s neck if he really tried, but the issue is that once his walls are broken down he's sort of akin to that of a regulated killing machine having to redo its wiring to be “normal” again. the transition itself would be traumatic, but the process of initiating it would be even more difficult

- so that means that in the first few months of his recovery, he probably would do a lot of absent-minded staring and just long spells of silence where he just doesn't do anything. it's sort of like a reloading point for his brain, and he starts to pick up the habit of daydreaming a lot. sometimes you'll have to say his name a few times to snap him out of it, but when he does come to he looks a little embarrassed

- it's not that easy to elicit an emotional reaction out of him. you'd have to be fairly close with him to actually get most responses out of him that are more than a word long, and so thus starts my favorite trope; hard depressed kill man falls for person who just Keeps Trying

- it's not that easy to get under his skin, but meeting him somewhere normally and constantly talking to him will probably start to make him feel more encouraged to speak in the sense of making normal conversation

- he's a little awkward so in this case patience goes a long way (as does with pretty much everything with him). it gets to the point where after a month or so he may feel weird if he doesn't talk to you at that specific time of the day. if he's grown that fond of you he'll even go out of his way to ask a few people where you are

- part of him hates getting this attached for a number of reasons. there's that nagging feeling in the back of his mind that his environment is temporary and getting attached to the things and people there will hurt him more than he'd like. while he knows that it's not temporary, that he's not leaving anytime soon and probably won't for a while, it all goes back to the killing machine thing

- when he was under hydra’s control, the only thing that was certain was the base he resided in and it's hard to come out of a state of mind where the only thing you know to be continuous is your continued existence as a tool. the place itself brings back horrible memories, but you get what i mean

- so initially he may resist conversation for that very reason

- he tends to pick up on details more than anything, and most of your smaller traits tend to make him quickly used to you. like for instance, if you're prone to pursuing your lips and narrowing your eyes at something odd you've heard or seen, he might find it cute mentally and then immediately correct himself for it. if you tend to snort a little and roll your eyes when you laugh, he's going to notice that and MAYBE try to pay more attention when something funny is said to hear it again

- i would generally think that he doesn't really have much a type or preference at all. in fact, i'm pretty sure the only thing he seemed consciously aware of that he likes in a partner is ability to understand. cause if you can't forgive him for the things he's done and see why he does what he does now, he can't bring himself to feel like he needs to go through all of his self hatred and doubt more intensely than he already is

- he probably is asexual as well but that's sort of iffy considering he's canon been in sexual relationships so that's a maybe. but he's definitely demiromantic. it's not that easy for him to find people attractive anymore. when he starts to get to know you better he starts feeling some sort of way and picking up on MORE details that you may not even notice yourself

- bucky is also incredibly skilled at remembering things you might've said a month ago and completely forgot about. some find this off putting and that's understandable, but when it comes down to it, its a product of sorta okay memory

- “My cousin almost flipped his car over this week.”

- “Phillipe?”

- “Uh, yeah. How did you...?”

- “You mentioned him two weeks ago... when he almost fell of your roof the week before.”

- “I did?”

- remembers dates, names, eye colors, and a multitude of other things, so sometimes he'll just mention something important you may have forgotten and pretend like he definitely wasn't paying too much attention to you. it's surprising how good his memory is even though he can't remember any of his past. so this most likely means that he has issues with remembering events and how they happened, but not the details of them. like how you can remember your shirt color a few week s back but not what you did while wearing that shirt

- and on that note, he kinda shuts down if he gets a weird flashback in the middle of something. they're mostly triggered by smells and sounds, but sometimes if he sees something while he's walking down the street he'll just stop and stare at it. it's best just to stop and stare at it with him, or alternatively if you don't want stares, act like you're taking a picture. but don't talk to him while it's happening cause it'll interrupt the train of thought and derail him completely

- he tends to talk a lot about things if he's grown very invested in them (he's very good at keeping focus). if you're out walking together or just sitting down he might stare and absentmindedly reach out to touch you before stopping himself at the last minute. gently grabbing his hand and placing it wherever he wanted to touch makes him flustered every time. that and hes super soft but is afraid to be vulnerable around anyone

- just gently grabbing his hand makes him all mushy, and it’s more often than not that he finds himself weak when someone shows pretty much any form of affection or endearment towards him

- probably not into pda though, not that much. he will hold your hand if you want to, but don’t expect to like sit in his lap or like straight upstart kissing in public cause any attention in a public setting makes him nervous

- really likes a kind of homey s/o. someone who likes to cook or bake or whatever makes him feel a little bit like he doesn't have to worry about something for a while. like if he comes home and dinner is just waiting on the table for him or you’ve already drawn a bath for him and/or made the bed or whatever, he literally appreciates that above pretty much anything else

- love language is most likely acts of service. hes not very good with words unless he like thinks it out beforehand, but pretty much buys you gifts all the time because he likes seeing you light up when you see them. he does try to spend as much time as he can with you but either anxiety gets the best of him or hes literally too busy, and so it ends up being more distant with him coming over a few times during the week, even if you live together. and we already know the deal with physical touch so im not gonna restate my strong belief in “big man has trauma no touch big man unless A S K”

- but a lot of the things he does are situational. one day he may be very down to be super affectionate and the other he’ll be painfully distant, but the main issue with all of it is that hes very very bad at communication

- this poses an issue for a number of reasons, but his responses and reactions are more physical than anything. so for instance, if hes uncomfortable with something he’ll start to shift and stare and be very tense the whole time it’s occurring, or if he’s feeling a bit more sad or depressed he’ll isolate himself and consistently stand slouched or look as if he hasn't gotten enough sleep. it’s mostly body language, but after a while he’ll feel safe enough to tell you how he feels about certain things

- this takes a while to actually happen, but when it does he manages to just,,, say things that are on his mind. like you’ll be reading or scrolling through your phone or whatever and he’ll randomly be like “The table has a lot of scratches on it.” it’s just observations he has, but usually it translates to him wanting to change the stated fact. best thing to do is just to roll with it, since hes practically learning how to communicate again and he’s picking up on things socially

- now let's get to the “a little fluffy” and “kinda-already-known” shit, shall we?

-  miscellaneous headcanons;

gets jealous pretty easily in the early stages of your relationship, but only ever indicates this by staring the person in question down and refusing to admit to it later

likes having his hair put up into cool hairstyles and likes colored rubber bands (or hair ties if youre not where i'm from). seriously, he may loose his shit if you just like put cool braids in his hair one day like hes a viking or whatever

kind of tone deaf but his singing is more of like this raspy and slightly more “Misty Mountains” vocals sounding

is touch sensitive, so even doing something as small as like rubbing your thumb on his arm makes his hair raise on end

doesn't like his metal arm at all and quite obviously wears long sleeves all the time to hide it, but occasionally wears short sleeves when he's feeling less insecure

oh, super insecure btw and THATS why he feels all mushy when someone is kind to him because he KNOWS he's a freak and that he's weird but you're not still being sweet??? too pure, must protect

gives great hugs since he practically smothers anyone he meets with them, but is also basically a walking heater

is terrified of the idea of taking care of children or just anything weaker than him, but is good with them since they always hang on his arms and hold his legs when he walks

super strong

likes sweets a whole lot, specifically fruity sweets like apple pie or peach cobbler. never bring those wallmart cakes or whatever near him cause it'll be gone in like an hour flat unless you tell him to leave you some

- in conclusion, he needs therapy and probably won't be very responsive when he's not sure what to do. it doesn't mean he loves you any less, but he may have a hard time communicating it to you. all he really needs is some patience and a bit of understanding, and he'll get better with the whole s/o thing soon enough. cause you mean the world to him, and he doesn't want anyone or anything to make you feel like less than that