#they all need a good therapist

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[starry-bi-sky]

this just in: danny fenton is just as much of a mask as Brucie Wayne? - another danyal al ghul au

Turns out, being placed in a civilian family who have no knowledge of your background is actually detrimental to the health and development of a child assassin due to lack of proper support! Surrounded by strangers in a foreign city, Danyal Al Ghul does as assassins do best. He hides. Espionage is one of many teachings one learns in the League, and it only takes half a day for Danyal to construct a new persona to hide behind: Daniel Fenton.

By the time dinner rolls around, Danyal al Ghul is safely and securely tucked behind the face of Danny Fenton; brand new adoptive child of the Fenton family who came from overseas. A shy, quiet little boy with a thick accent and curly hair, with brown skin and blue eyes, and an avid interest in the stars. The best fictions are always cobbled together in a little bit of truth, it's some of the only truth he ever lets through. He apologizes in a meek voice for his behavior early, he didn't mean to be rude, and he watches the three of them eat it up with coos.

Lies roll like silk against his lips, he struggles to meet their eyes and offers them his weakest, shyest smile. It's too easy. It's easy to go from there.

Danny Fenton, adoptive son, shy and awkward and unconfident but friendly. Who struggles in his classes and isn't the brightest, but tries his hardest. He makes bad jokes and has a quick tongue and a sarcastic mouth. He wants to be an astronaut. He's got the best aim in school, and is a terrifying dodgeball player. He's one of the least athletic kids in his grade.

It's like playing two truths and a lie, but there's only one truth, and the rest are lies. It's easy to pretend when he knows it's insincere.

Danyal Al Ghul, grandson to the Demon Head. Deadly, trained assassin. Has spilled blood, has had blood spilt from. Environmentalist, animal activist. He loves the stars. He owns a calligraphy set. A sharp tongue, an even sharper blade. He's clever, quick-witted, he would be top of his grade if he tried harder. He purposely doesn't.

He misses his family. He misses his mother, and he misses his brother. Mother visits a few times a year, so few times that he can count it on both hands. He cherishes every visit, as brief as they are. It helps remind him who he is.

Sam and Tucker are Danny's best friends. They've never met Danyal, but Danyal's met them.

It becomes routine to become Danny Fenton. As familiar and as easy as pulling on a shirt in the morning. Danyal wakes up and is always first to the bathroom in the mornings; stares at himself in the mirror until he can finally see Danny staring back at him. At night, he locks his door and sheds the mask.

Dying throws a wrench in his mask; splits a crack straight through the porcelain. He's able to smooth it over with sandpaper and liquid gold, but it's a little hard keeping his ghost form under wraps. It instinctively wants to shift to show his true self. Danyal can't have that, he's spent four years as Danny Fenton, he'll spend another four as him as well. Even if the feeling of the hazmat suit in his ghost form feels restrictive, like a too-small shirt suctioned to his skin that needs to be peeled off.

He'll live. Er-- well, you know what he means. It's frustrating however, trying to keep his Danny Fenton mask up even as Phantom - fighting in the air is something he needs to get used to, and the sudden propping of powers throws him off. But he is nothing if not adaptive, and he hates that he needs to slow his own skills down in order to keep pretenses up in front of Sam and Tucker.

The first time Danyal summons a sword when he's alone, is one of the few times Danyal gets to grin instead of Danny. He's fighting Skulker, and from an invisible hilt he draws a katana from thin air. It startles them both. Skulker takes a step back at the smile that spreads across his face.

They're both silent as Danyal examines his new sword.

"Do you know what people like me do to people like you, poacher?" Danyal finally asks him, the accent he began to hide a few months in slipping through. He drops all pretense, dragging the flat end of the blade slow and appreciatively against his palm. It's a good make, and when he cuts it through the air, it slices through like butter. He looks up at Skulker with a smile; "are you ready to find out?"

When Sam and Tucker ask about why Skulker seems so skittish around Danny now, Danny shrugs at them and says with a playful smile; "I don't know, I guess I kicked his butt too hard after our last fight." and he watches as Sam rolls her eyes exasperatedly, and Tucker snickers with his own joke.

By the time he reunites with Damian before their 15th birthday, Danyal is buried beneath so many layers of Danny Fenton that his brother will need a shovel to dig him out. He's not sure what he'll find.

[sciderman]

Oh man I really hope Lefty wakes up soon. Seems like the lack of cortisol is really hitting you hard. 'Bout ready to start a cult to the Adrenal Gods to make things better for you.

Hope you feel better soon!!

thank you anon!! i am not doing well but i really appreciate your kind thoughts!! please please pray to the adrenal gods. pray for me.

[merakiui]

Absolutely love the possessive ex Scaramouche ramble in tags, please feed us more of that.

Gladly!! :D

(cw: yandere, extremely toxic ex scara, modern au, unhealthy behaviors/relationship, stalking, coercion, obsession, forced marriage, violent/suicidal threats, manipulation, mentions of intoxication/alcohol, implied self-harm)

The two of you were what everyone calls ‘high school sweethearts.’ You met him in the cafeteria when the both of you were first years. Despite the scowl etched on his face, he looked lonely sitting all by himself while everyone was finding tables, old and new friends gathering in groups. He’d ignored you, even scooting further away when you’d attempt to move closer. Even though he seemed so averse to you, you remained, silently eating your lunch. Neither of you said anything, but you did introduce yourself. He scoffed under his breath.

You started to sit next to him for every lunch, and he continued to give you the silent treatment. You never pressed him for conversation, instead choosing to enjoy silence while you ate and admired him from the sidelines. He never looked at you, always facing forwards and toying with his chopsticks, bending them so far until they were ready to snap. Eventually, he seemed to grow accustomed to this routine because many weeks into the semester he turned to address you.

“Why do you always sit by me? Don’t you have anyone else to bother?”

“Maybe. But I don’t think anyone’s as mysterious as you are.”

“‘Mysterious…’ Yeah, whatever.”

That seemed to be the catalyst because, as sardonic as he was, he’d begun talking to you. And it wasn’t long until he started to warm up to you every lunch until the both of you were exchanging lighthearted banter. Your friendship would only grow from this point onwards until, at the end of your first year during a study session to prepare for finals, where you were both pulling an all-nighter at your house, he’d asked you out. And you said yes, and the both of you had gone from best friends to lovers within the span of a year. The both of you were each other’s first partner, so it made doing things as a couple even more exciting because neither of you had any experience with dates or holding hands or kissing.

Kuni wasn’t a bad boyfriend. In fact, he was very loyal and sweet. He’d stand up for you if anyone was being rude to you or scrutinizing your relationship with hateful eyes. The two of you were nearly inseparable. When you weren’t spending time together in school, you were out doing things together. And when you couldn’t meet up in person, you’d text or call, sometimes talking late into the evening about all sorts of things. You were so immersed in him that you failed to notice the red flags slowly raising over time. But looking back there were a few notable ones.

He never invited you to his house. In fact, you’d never even met his parents, whereas he’d been to your home so often that your family practically became his own. He hadn’t mentioned anything about his family, and if you tried to suggest going to his house for dinner so that he could introduce you to them he was quick to change the subject. For a while you’d push this, more curious than concerned, but eventually you’d drop it when it became clear that he wasn’t going to divulge anything on the matter. That had stung, but you snuffed those feelings in favor of focusing on other aspects of your relationship.

The second red flag was just how clingy he became when the both of you were in your third year, having been together for two solid years. You never noticed it before because you loved him, but when friends had pointed out how attached he seemed—and it was to rather unhealthy levels, according to their observations—to the point where you were the only person he’d ever formed a bond with while at school you started to see the cracks in what felt like the perfect relationship. He’d text you every single day, at every single hour, all the time. He’d call you nonstop, even more so when you didn’t immediately pick up.

The third red flag coincided with the second. When you couldn’t make it to your phone, he was quick to blame himself and those around him for being responsible for your deteriorating relationship. Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me? Did those guys bother you again? They probably told you some stupid shit about me, right? Don’t listen to them. Hey, you’re not mad, right? Call me back. I need to talk to you. Just text me when you can, okay? (Name), please don’t leave me. I’ll fix whatever’s wrong. Just promise you’ll stay. Messages of these kinds were what you could expect to receive from him. He’d fluctuate between self-loathing to loathing those around him within seconds, shoving blame onto classmates who’d bully him for being that “weird emo kid with too many piercings” and anyone else who tried to, in his words, “come between you and me.”

By the end of your third year, you started to fall out of love. He was so very dedicated to this relationship, evidenced by how much effort and care he’d put into it, but his clingy behavior was stifling. You’d lost some of your own friends because he chased them away, and it felt like you couldn’t do anything without him breathing down your neck. If you wanted to go anywhere with a friend or two, Kuni had to be there to accompany you. If you looked at another for too long, he’d think you were cheating. If you didn’t text or call him at certain times, if you failed to pick up, or—Archons forbid—you left him on seen, he’d spiral.

Kuni had this habit of sounding dangerously self-destructive when he feared you were being unfaithful or he thought you were going to break up with him, which meant you’d have to sit on the phone for hours convincing him that you loved him, that you’d never leave him, that you’d always be here for him, that you were sorry for not responding, that he needs to calm down and please, please, please don’t do anything rash. Those phone calls were always so stressful. You cried a lot; you’d beg him to put the knife away when he’d threaten to use it on himself, on you, on anyone who might try to take you from him. And, after a few hours of this, he’d be back to his usual self, as if a switch had been flipped. You could hear his adoring smile in his voice when he spoke, when he’d lovingly whisper into the phone, “I’m happy you’re mine. I love you so much.” And you’d shakily parrot the affirmation, too frazzled to say or do anything else.

One of your best friends Rosalyne, who you’d befriended in the midst of all of this, had been so supportive the minute you spilled the truth to her. Kuni hated her the most because she wasn’t afraid of him. Because she’d shut him down when he tried to pull you away from her. Because she wouldn’t approve of any of his toxicity. Rosalyne would take you on shopping sprees, brunch dates, and jogs at the local park. She was plenty of good to outshine Kuni’s bad, and the more time you spent with her the clearer your head would become. The both of you had plenty of sleepovers together, and she let you rant your heart out while she listened. She’d tell you to break up with him, but you’d agonized over how terrifying that would be. You couldn’t bear to tell Kuni the truth—that you wanted to separate because things had turned so rotten—because you were so scared. Scared of him and what he might do.

Scared that if he really did take a blade to himself it would be your fault. He told you that a lot. That it would be your fault if he did anything. That his blood would be on your hands. You believed him every time.

By your final year, you’d already had a plan for university outlined and you’d started applying to a few in advance. You never told Kuni about any of them because you worried he might apply to each one in hopes of going to the same school as you. And when there was the dance for the graduating class and Kuni had asked you to it, you’d told him you were going with Rosalyne and a few other friends as a group. He didn’t like this, as expected, but you’d been so sick of him and his behaviors that you snapped and spilled everything to him. You’ll never forget the look on his face when you told him that you were done with the relationship and that you never wanted to see him again.

He looked as if he could lunge at you and tear you to bloody ribbons at any moment.

You graduated single and so very refreshed, and your summer had been filled with friends. Kuni didn’t message you at all, which was surprising considering you were certain he’d spam you relentlessly after the break-up. But he never did. In fact, you never saw him again. Graduation had come and gone, and now that you could recover from such a terrible relationship he was becoming less of a burden for you. For a while you were anxious. You kept expecting to receive a phone call or to see some news about Kuni, but neither ever came. Rosalyne told you to stop thinking about him. It would only make you even more paranoid and that wouldn’t do your mental health any good. You were so grateful to have her in your life, but most importantly you were glad Kuni failed to scare her away.

Now you’re a second year in college and things have only gotten so much better for you. You and Rosalyne still keep in touch despite going to different schools. She’d gone to a university in Snezhnaya, while you enrolled in one in Sumeru, and you’ve blotted Kuni from your mind. You’ve made a fresh group of friends while attending classes: criminal justice major Shikanoin Heizou, creative writing major Kaedehara Kazuha, musical therapy major Venti, botany major Tighnari, and so many more wonderful people who have all welcomed you into their circles.

So when Venti drags a familiar face to your usual weekend outing, which is really just a retreat to the forest for drinking and smoking, creeping cold settles into your bones. He looks awkward with Venti’s arm slung around him as the more bubbly of the two drags him towards the bonfire, where you sit with the others roasting marshmallows for s’mores, and it’s a look that is so uncharacteristic on him. What’s even weirder is how friendly everyone greets him—as if they all know him—and you’re completely lost when they turn to you and ask if you’ve met Kunikuzushi.

“No,” you lie through your teeth, forcing a pleasant smile and extending your hand for a stiff handshake, which Venti snickers at. “No, I’ve never met him before.”

Apparently, he’s in one of Venti’s classes—it’s a course he’s taking solely because he needs the credits. Tighnari knows him because they usually work the same shifts at the campus café. Kazuha knows him from his linguistics and philosophy classes. Heizou’s ate with him in the dining hall plenty of times now and they’re also taking the same psychology class. It feels so genuine and yet so fake at the same time. Too perfectly manufactured to be a mere coincidence. But you do your best to push past these suspicions, and when he sits across from you, smiling at you and saying how nice it is to meet you, the warping flames paint his face in devilish shadows. That’s what you think he is when he acts like a completely different person from how he was when you dated: a devil who’s good at being kind and outgoing, noisy and abrupt, and always so foul-mouthed, but in a way that makes him charming. Your friends are so enthralled. They love him and his sense of humor. They love his quick wit. They love how fun he is. And suddenly weekends spent in the forest aren’t so enjoyable.

You do your best to overcome your doubts. For a few months you’re on edge. How he even found you is a mystery. Surely he wouldn’t stalk you and enroll in the same college just to get revenge or…whatever vengeance he wants from you. But when he treats you to coffee, when he brings you and the others pastries every other morning, when he invites the lot of you to study at the library, when he tells the funniest stories while crossed and everyone’s giggling like schoolgirls it really feels like he’s…healthier. Like he’s turned a fresh page in his life and is starting anew. Like he’s changed for the better.

Perhaps he just doesn’t remember you. You’ve changed your style over the years, so it’s possible he’s simply forgotten your image and can’t place memories to your name. Eventually, after soothing yourself with these theories, you begin to accept his presence in the group. He fits in so flawlessly, as if he’s a missing piece to the puzzle, and you can’t believe you’re admitting this, but you like this version of Kuni. He’s confident, not cocky. He’s kind, not rude. He gives everyone space. In fact, he rarely texts frequently in the group chat. And he’s funny! He’s so funny. You don’t think the Kuni from your past was ever as funny as the Kuni who regales everyone with lighthearted stories of how he once took in a stray cat that turned out to belong to his neighbor or how his old job had the strangest customers.

Maybe he truly did change. Maybe all of these coincidences really are coincidences. Maybe it’s for the best that you leave the past in the past.

Finals season looms, and the group hasn’t had time to meet up outside of class. Venti has tried to persuade everyone to come study at his apartment. His roommate won’t care (yes, he will. Xiao hates it when everyone gets blackout drunk and he has to wake everyone come morning), but if you’ve known Venti long enough you’ll know there is no studying that happens at these study sessions. This is probably the reason why he’s had to repeat a year.

With everyone’s schedules packed with academics, it’s difficult to find a time where everyone can get together to study. You think you might just be better off studying on your own, but Kuni’s message of you wanna pull an all-nighter for these lame af finals together?? accompanied with a photo of snacks and coffee, any thoughts of studying alone instantly vanish.

This is how you find yourself in his dorm, sprawled on his bed while he sits on the floor, whacking your dangling feet when they get too close to him. His roommate Albedo is currently out tutoring a few students at the library and won’t be back until much later, so it’s just you, Kuni, and a pile of textbooks and notes. You’ve hung out with Kuni a few times and he was great company during each. You’ve also fallen asleep in his dorm before, when you’d come over to binge a show the both of you enjoy, and you’d lost track of time and had slipped into a dream halfway through the marathon. You’d woken the next morning with Kuni looming over you, grinning deviously and holding an uncapped marker. He’d leaned down and whispered, “You drool in your sleep,” and you’d swatted at him and groused about how you were sleeping so peacefully when he just had to ruin your sleep (and your face) with his antics. And then there was that time when you were so drunk at that one party and you could hardly stand, he’d been there to help. He even stayed with you for the rest of that night, offering his assistance when you became nauseous or needed water or a snack until you passed out.

Despite your initial apprehensions, you consider him a friend. He’s no one nearly as close as Rosalyne or your other friends. He’s just a mutual friend, someone you’ll spend time with when you feel like it, but you don’t truly need him in your life. That, and part of you still struggles to trust him after all of the stress and unhealthy obsession he subjected you to.

“Kuni,” you whine, lifting your head from the textbook. “Can you get me some water? I’m thirsty.”

“Do I look like your maid?” he snaps, immersed in organizing his notes. “Get it yourself.”

“I’m picturing it now and you’re in a frilly dress and—”

“Forget I asked.” Setting his notebook down with an exaggerated sigh, he crosses the distance to the mini fridge and withdraws a bottle of water.

Grinning, you slide off of his bed and reach for it with a grateful hum. He smirks and takes a step back, holding it away from you.

“Seriously…”

Rolling your eyes, you lunge for it and he side-steps you with the practiced grace of a cat. You brace yourself against the wall and swipe at him. Again, he dodges, unscrewing the cap and shaking the bottle teasingly.

“I think I’ll take a sip for myself. All of this studying has left me so parched.”

“No fair! That’s mine!”

“Is it?” He pulls it away from his lips to observe the bottle and feigns surprise. “That’s weird. I don’t see your name on it.”

“Look closer!” you exclaim, but just as he’s about to humor you you pounce, tackling him to the ground—there’s a beanbag cushion that breaks your fall—and the water spills all over the both of you in the midst of the tumble. A slew of colorful words stick in Kuni’s throat and your laughter rings out melodiously. You seize his wrist and hold it down while reaching for the bottle in his other hand, where there’s still some water left. He struggles halfheartedly, relinquishing the bottle with a disinterested scoff, and you pull away from him to down what’s left.

While crushing the plastic bottle into a ball, you notice something on your palm—the palm that had grabbed Kuni’s wrist—and it takes a minute before the skin tone-colored substance registers in your mind.

Concealer.

You peer at him and notice that he’s cradling his arm, and confusion sprouts.

“So funny,” he spits with a hollow laugh. “You owe me a new beanbag if this one’s ruined.”

“Hey, hold on. What’s with the—”

“Forget it. You got your water, so let’s get back to studying. Or do you no longer want to be a perfect student?”

Without thinking, you grab his arm as he’s standing and when you look at his forearm you can see where the water’s started to wash the concealer away. Curiously, you scrub at it while he tries to yank his arm away, but when you unearth a dozen scars littering his wrist and climbing the length of his arm that creeping cold from before returns.

And suddenly you’re brought back to those phone calls—the ones where he’d threaten suicide and murder—and you stumble back as if you’ve been burned, half-expecting to hear those threats once more. Kuni’s staring at his wrist, his features twisted in grim disapproval, and for a moment you think he looks…hurt. Or maybe that’s sadness you see. Whatever emotion it was, it doesn’t linger because a quiet chuckle slips past his lips, and the sound is so very frigid it has your blood crystallizing.

“It really hurt when you said you never wanted to see me again.” Kuni peers down at you, and his eyes that had once been so bright and filled with light are dull and dark. “But nothing hurts more than loving you.”

You open your mouth to say something—anything—but the words won’t come. You’re rooted to the ground, horror slinking through your body and rendering you immovable. Your heart is in your throat, pounding so loudly it’s practically a drum, and a cold sweat washes over you.

“Each time I found myself hating you, I thought it was odd because I love you so much. I can’t possibly hate the one I’ve loved all this time.” He scowls. “But loving you hurts. Loving you feels like chewing glass and drinking poison. Loving you isn’t fair because while you moved forward with your ‘friends,’ I was forced to stay behind and pick up the pieces of what was left of you. So for every moment I couldn’t stand you, I tallied it on myself so that I’ll never forget the times I loved you so much I hated you.”

This can’t be happening, you’re thinking, curling your hands into trembling fists. He changed. He changed, right? This isn’t the same Kuni from before. This isn’t…

“And when I saw how well you seemed to be doing without me, I hated you even more.” Without warning, he’s grabbed your arm and hoisted you up. You open your mouth to scream, but no sound comes—not that anything could when he’s pulled a switchblade from his pocket and poised the pointed tip at your jugular. “You have poor taste in friends. Those guys suck.”

Tutting, he shakes his head at you like a parent might when scolding a child, and says, “Do you know how fucking tiring it was pretending? You think I care about pastries and stupid campfire stories? You really think I’d ever want to associate myself with that sorry lot?”

“K-Kuni, please let go of me. I… I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were—I’m sorry. So please just…”

“And then the first time you see me after all these years apart and you had the gall to lie to my face! ‘I’ve never met him before.’ Bullshit. You just didn’t want any of your loser friends to know our history, right? Because you’re ashamed to have known me, right?”

“That’s not it! I… I was just—I didn’t… I was… I just…”

“I… I… I…” he mocks, shoving you down onto the beanbag. It dips under the sudden weight, and you sink further into it when he points the blade at you. “Stop tripping over your tongue. I should be the one near tears! You cast me aside and then forgot all about me. You abandoned me when I needed you most.” His voice cracks at that last sentence, and your heart skips erratically.

“That’s not what happened! We needed space. I needed space. You were being too—” You stop yourself, unsure of how to phrase it. Too controlling? Too dangerous? Too scary?

“Lucky for you, I’m willing to overlook these past...slights.” The blade twirls effortlessly in his grasp, and you heave a relieved breath when he’s no longer pointing it in your direction. “Marry me and we’ll forget all about the past. We’ll start over.”

His demand almost stops your heart altogether. You stare up at him, mouth agape, and mumble a disbelieving, “What?”

“You heard me.” He seems to soften with his next words, and for a moment he looks and sounds like the Kuni who hangs out with you and your friends. The harmlessly fun Kuni who always takes such good care of you. “You’re the only one I’ll ever love, so let’s get married.”

“K-Kuni, I can’t... I really can’t...”

Within seconds the blade has found itself on his wrist, pressing into delicate flesh. Not enough to cut, but if he applies more force you’ll definitely see blood. You choke on a horrified gasp.

“What was that?” He raises his brow at you, challenging you with a calm smile.

Your mind reels in an effort to conjure a plan. What can you even do? If you take the blade from him, will he turn his anger on you? Will you have to wrestle him into submission? And if you do manage to get out of his dorm, will anyone believe you? He’s painted himself in such a pleasant light. Your friends love and trust him! So what can you say? And if there isn’t any solid proof, no one will even entertain bringing the authorities into this mess.

“I’m waiting, (Name). Are you really going to make me add another tally? Do you really want me to hate you again? Oh, but maybe I should start marking you! We can add a slice for each time you failed to love me. That way we’ll both look like used cutting boards.”

You need help, you want to say, but the words escape you.

Instead, you nod hastily and say breathlessly, “Okay, yes! I’ll marry you!” Swallowing your horror, you glance at the blade as it’s lifted from his skin. Thankfully, there isn’t a cut. “I... I’ll marry you, Kuni. So... So please don’t hurt yourself. Please.”

It feels like you’ve been strangled for an eternity, so when he finally pockets the blade the air in your lungs returns and you collapse against the beanbag, chest rising and falling in short, panicked breaths. 

“Good.” He bends down to your height, grips your chin with cold fingers, and forces you to meet his adoring stare. “We’ll look at rings tomorrow. Or maybe you’d prefer bracelets instead? I can be flexible but only for you, so you’d better be grateful.”

You swallow rising bile and nod. “T-Thank you.” You’re not sure why you’re thanking him when he hardly deserves it, but it feels like the right thing to say to ease the tension.

Kuni’s eyes sparkle, no longer a void of endless darkness, and when he leans in to capture your lips in his your heart sinks. You really can’t run from your past, can you?

[biddy-biddy-biddy]

i swear to god evan dorkin backtracked on the pete ending thing

he thought it was funny just ending my guy like this

[raylazuko]

New headcanon.

That Diluc and Crepus are alike in a lot of ways and I get the impression that Crepus also lived vicariously through Diluc in terms of “I couldn’t be a knight so you go do that” even if he may have had some reservations with the Knights himself but wouldn’t wanna alienate them because of his kids or because of business reasons.

That Crepus and Varka have a begrudging mutual respect for each other but do not agree with each other’s tactics.

Crepus, like later Diluc, finds the knights inefficient. That he was working to bring down the Fatui in his own way secretly. There is some underground vigilante anti-Fatui group that Diluc later joined because he has contacts in Mond when he gets back.

Diluc is a kid and delluded into thinking the Knights are perfect and Crepus doesn’t wanna crush his dreams.

Then reality happens.

That Diluc has noticed some corruption already and has his reservations and annoyances. That that night was his final straw. That he’s relieved to be out of the Knights but feels like he let his father down but also has a weird feeling that he did the right thing by him.

And that he later learns more about the underground efforts and just how stupid the knights are being and that diplomacy doesn’t solve everything.

But he doesn’t wanna alienate them too much because of his begrudging respect for Kaeya.

And also he’s annoyed and slightly jealous that Kaeya took his position.

He secretly wishes Kaeya would leave but if he told Kaeya everything he knows it would destroy him. Or he just wouldn’t listen.

Or that Kaeya does know and wants to change things from the inside.

Or he stays because he thinks that’s what Crepus wanted and actually sees Diluc as disrespecting their father’s wishes.

Or Kaeya stays because the knights treated HIM well, and he doesn’t have any other family left. They ARE his family. His dad abandoned him and he doesn’t know where his mom is (if shes alive). If he has other siblings they’re probably working for the Order. His adoptive dad died and his adoptive brother views him as a pushover for staying perhaps.) Let’s also not forget that Kaeya was probably pressured into doing whatever he was forced to do as a kid as being an heir to the Abyss Order basically. He probably doesn’t know HOW to say no or stand up against institutional injustice. Anything is better than where he came from. So he mostly just distances himself from the Knights by hunting treasure hoarders for fun and gathering intel because his position is literally useless.

I also think Jean’s hands are tied because she’s also barely legal and has too much pressure and is probably going off some some handbook and can’t reorganize things too much to not piss of Varka when he gets back. Plus they’re short-staffed. It’s very likely Varka groomed Jean in some way to succeed him and just put way too much pressure on this kid so now all she knows is how to work. Yeah I don’t like Varka lol.

For Kaeya it’s like “don’t bite the hand that feeds”. Kaeya leaving the knights would lose him EVERYTHING and he cannot risk that. There’s also a real chance that Varka knows about his past and if he leaves, he would become a target due to him being potentially dangerous.

It’s just a big mess all around and Ragbros+Jean are dysfunctional adults that had unrealistic pressures put on them as kids.

[riverlet]

OH MY GOD

COMEDY MASK GANGLE HAS BEEN SPOTTED

[mocha-tapioca]

CONGRATS ON 5K @lotus-pear!‼︎‼︎ YOU GO GIRLIE

[thousandyearphantombunker]

"women need to be meaner! Men shouldn't dictate a girls boundaries"

You couldn't handle Connie Maheswaran setting healthy (and much-needed) boundaries with her best friend. You freaking called her toxic and abusive. While season 3 of Amphibia is a hot mess Sasha Waybright being upset with Marcy isn't the problem! It makes sense she'd be pissed that she found out her friend borderline kidnapped her! Even if she can be read as kind of hypocritical, I think she has every reason to be upset! She's like what 14 at the oldest? In a terrifying situation?

It's always "set healthy boundaries" until they set boundaries with your favorite baby and don't spend 100% of their time supporting them/don't forgive their friends for their actions that hurt others

I'm sorry that Steven is your woobie child and Marcy is your comfort character but Connie and Sasha have a right to their feelings and a right to focus on their needs! It's always 'don't feel guilty about focusing on your needs' except not really because apparently focusing on yourself is actually selfish and it's morally wrong to feel certain ways about people! Connie isn't toxic- she acted really mature about the whole situation and while Sasha definitely is toxic- I think she has the right to be mad her friend borderline kidnapped her and broke her trust.

I am a firm believer in setting healthy boundaries and never letting anyone decide your boundaries for you especially when it comes to being supportive. Even if the person you are helping is a good person going through a rough patch you should still have boundaries with them- you can be supportive if you want but you should be your main priority in the need and as callous as it sounds it's not mandatory to give support to everyone especially if your being worn thin

[moomin279]

"You'll never recover from that kind of devotion." — For Your Own Good, Leah Horlick

[iustitians]

ooc; headcanons - on Neuvillette's abilities, power, combat ability and fighting style

Ah yes, hello, it’s me again. The person who can’t shut up about an old man with a jabot who's also a dragon.

So I’ve wanted to talk about Neuvillette’s combat ability and style as well as his power for a while now, both to chat about some of my headcanons and theories for some of them, and to just kind of sort them out for myself. This is going to be a whole lot of rambling (by which I mean 8 Google Doc pages), so proceed at your own risk. Fontaine and Natlan Archon Quest spoilers below.

Combat prowess

So here’s a fun thing for me to start with: I don’t think Neuvillette is that great in a fight. Which I feel like many don’t think about at first, but actually makes sense when you consider his life, or what we know of it at least. Dude’s essentially a divine judge. Mostly dwelling in the seas without a purpose for who knows how long, and then running human trials and doing paperwork for 500 years. Where would this guy have gained any substantial battle experience?

Throughout the Fontaine AQ, we see him in combat situations three times. The first time is at the end of Act II, where Childe is about to go bonkers in the Opera, only for Neuvillette to jump in and oneshot him. Which looked impressive and all – except we shouldn’t forget that Neuvillette caught Childe off-guard from above and behind while he was mid-transformation, and broke through his defenses with sheer power, not necessarily skill. I highly doubt it would have gone like this had Childe had a chance to prepare. Neuvillette didn’t walk out of that one unscathed either, receiving a scratch from Childe during the very brief struggle they had. And as an extra note, I can’t help but look back at the moment in the cutscene where he looked at his own blood with what looked like both anger and surprise - it very much gave off the vibe of someone who isn’t used to being hurt.

The second combat situation was his first encounter with the Narwhal, which… when you think back to it, he essentially lost that one, didn’t he? It shrugged off his attack, shattered his protective barrier like glass, and would have devoured the people he attempted to protect had it not been for Childe’s intervention. Neuvillette was only able to deliver a decisive hit after Childe attacked and distracted it, causing it to turn its back to him and allowing him to unleash a powerful blow when he was prepared, undisturbed, and at a safe distance. It wasn’t exactly his best showing.

And it really was the only time we’ve actually seen him straight up actively participating in combat, because the third time to mention is the Fontaine AQ’s final battle against the Narwhal. Except the thing is… Neuvillette doesn’t really fight in that battle. We do. He supports us from the sidelines, separating the Primordial Sea’s power from the whale and sharing his power with us.

So really, he’s been in an on-screen combat situation once and, arguably, lost. Great.

… Of course, I’m not saying he’s weak. The first two situations I mentioned were with his Authority shattered, and nowadays may have been a different story. And even before he was restored, his power was very formidable. It’s just that power doesn’t have to equal combat ability – and the latter I do believe he lacks.

In fact, we can even extend this logic to him as a playable unit. He’s a very powerful DPS, which is great and all, but when you look at it more closely, you realize that he really doesn’t do much. I’ll discuss his fighting style a bit later, but he has exactly one trick up his sleeve: the Hydro Pump. When people criticize Neuvillette as a unit, the main point brought up is that he is boring – and honestly, however much I love him, I can see some players feeling that way, because… yeah, that’s all he does. He floats in the air and waterboards his enemies from a distance, overwhelming them with sheer power, while requiring little skill to use. He is incapable of anything more fancy than that. He’s a gorgeous, majestic and powerful one-trick pony.

And again, it all makes sense when you consider who he is and what kind of life he has led. He’s not a warrior, he’s an official – whether a Fontaine one, or a divine draconic one – who only displays his power as a last resort, in a way meant to end whatever strife is threatening peace and stability once and for all. He is not meant to engage in long combat, he’s probably just about never done it, and in that sense it’s normal that he actually doesn’t really know how.

Power level

… But as I said, combat prowess and power level are two different things, which can make answering the question of how strong someone like Neuvillette complicated. Because on the other hand, for his lack of combat experience and skill, his sheer power level is through the damn roof. Which of course makes sense. This is a Dragon Sovereign, now with his full power reforged, that we’re talking about here. Possibly the most powerful being we’ve met in Teyvat so far, and for sure at least one of them. 

For those who are caught up with Natlan’s Archon Quest, you know how Mavuika destroyed the wacky Abyssal thing and also punched a hole in the sky in the process? Well, she said later that the power with which she did it came from the Divine Throne. And an Archon’s Divine Throne is where the stolen Dragon Sovereign Authority is held. So in other words, Mavuika did what she did using a fragment of the power Neuvillette now holds in its entirety. So yes, I do in fact believe he can also punch a hole in the sky. I don't think he can completely destroy it, because it seems to restore itself, but also I think he wouldn't want to even if he could, since he has grown to care about and appreciate humanity, and he knows that the firmament protects it. 

But in addition to that, let's not forget that this guy:

Turned an entire nation of unfinished Oceanid people into fully fledged humans with a single Super Duper Charged Attack – doing in the process what Egeria was literally incapable of – and wasn’t even slightly tired afterwards

Hands out Visions because he decided he wants to, and unlike the Archons, has full control over the process

Has full control over Pneumousia, which is essentially a latent type of life force. Not only is he using it to singlehandedly battery all of Fontaine now, but also I mean. Combining them can lead to an annihilation reaction, so… idk I guess he can also make an atomic bomb if he wants??

Doesn’t even need a constellation because he exists outside of the fate system but then decided “ah whatever why not” and got one, then proceeded to?? reshape it I think?? so his daughters can have fun with it?? Peak dad behavior right there but also what the fu

Of course, there’s the whole part about how the Hydro Sovereign has full control over the Primordial Sea, which makes him essentially Teyvat’s original “God of Life”. I attribute his ability to turn Oceanids into true humans to that connection, as well as his control over Pneumousia, as, again, from what we know of it so far (which is not much but that’s a rant for later) it seems to be a sort of latent type of life energy. Of course, I can only imagine that he could do a LOT more with it than what we’ve seen. And on the topic of Oceanids, I’ve also noticed that he seems to hold authority over them as well, considering how easily he made them back down during Navia’s “trial”.

Basically what I’m trying to say here is that he’s freakin’ powerful and writing him in a way that avoids turning him into an ultra strong Gary Stu sort of guy can be a hell of a challenge sometimes lmao. I try to get around it with the idea that he has to load up Fontaine on a sufficient amount of power before he leaves and surely that has to weaken him at least a bit.

Fighting style, symbolism and other funky tidbits

As I mentioned earlier, Neuvillette doesn’t fight much, and when he does, he doesn’t really do much either. In fact, he actually literally barely moves. This includes his Normal Attack chain – not only is it among the shortest in the game with only three strikes (in comparison to characters well-versed in combat such as Wriothesley and Zhongli, whose chains consist of 5 and 6 strikes respectively), but also he practically doesn’t move from the spot he was standing on while performing it. Many characters will charge forwards or move backwards while attacking; Neuvillette takes about half a step. That’s it.

Other than that, there are four main characteristic to him in combat:

Cane

Glowing and expanding his… let’s call it fins

Floating

Triquetra

Neuvillette’s cane is the most interesting element of those to me, because it seems to be his actual catalyst. It’s interesting when you notice that he only summons his in-game weapon for his Normal Attack chain – which is, by a long shot, the most worthless part of his kit. For all his other, much more useful moves, he does not manifest it at all. He does, however, use or at least hold his cane for all of them, and the gem and blue ornaments on it glow as he does.

This applies to cutscenes, as well. When using a Charged Attack during a cutscene, he also holds his cane, summoning it specifically for that moment. It’s especially interesting in the cutscene where he and Childe fight the Narwhal, and the exact frame where he uses Equitable Judgment is the only moment in that entire cutscene where he holds his cane. He doesn’t have it immediately before or immediately after, and yet he went out of his way to summon it specifically for that attack – which leads me to believe that this cane is his real catalyst.

At the moment my idea for it is that in his human form, the Hydro Dragon is something of a staff user, and this cane is how he adapted its appearance to fit into Fontaine’s setting, much as he did with his own.

Glowing is another commonly seen aspect for Neuvillette in combat. When he uses his power, he glows. As a playable unit, he lights up when using his Burst and Equitable Judgment, as well as when his passive ability is fully charged up (so basically when he’s at max power). Notably, and I actually only recently noticed it, not only do the light blue elements on his outfit glow, but so do his eyes.

And again, the glowing is something the animators went out of their way to include in the cutscenes. When he takes down Childe in Fontaine AQ Act II, he lights up before leaping from his seat. In the All-Devouring Narwhal cutscene he also glows and surrounds himself with blue aura while attacking, and in addition, if we look closely, we can see his eyes glowing as he charges for his first strike. It’s an interesting small detail that’s very easy to miss – I only saw it properly while watching that cutscene in slow motion. In general, all of his attacks have a natural glow to them as well. Overall it gives him a sort of divine feel, which I consider to be the point.

For certain attacks, in particular Charged Attack: Equitable Judgment and his Burst, Neuvillette also expands his horns (at least that’s what I call them because I hate that we are never given a word for the thingies on his head) and his… I guess tail?? Whatever the case may be, he displays them when unleashing his power and promptly hides them immediately afterwards, as a bit of a reminder that his true form remains hidden to our eyes.

Then there’s the floating. I kind of don’t have much to say about this one, the ability to levitate seems to be a common one among Teyvat’s deities and other powerful entities. Local man is too cool to walk like a normal person. My only observation to it is that floating seems to come very naturally to him, as during all his attacks (minus the Normal Attack chain which as I said no one cares about) his feet very quickly and easily separate from the ground, as opposed to some other characters who we know can float but who still remain firmly grounded in combat. Again, it ties back to how he is not at all expressive or aggressive in his movements during battle, but rather intends to simply overwhelm his enemies with his sheer power and authority.

And finally we have the triquetra, aka the emblem he commonly uses. It’s the mark he summons for Equitable Judgment, as well as during cutscenes. Its meaning is largely symbolic.

This one is both extremely interesting and very funny to me because, well… IRL, triquetra has major religious significance in multiple cultures. It can mean many things and is used in various belief systems, including christianity, where it symbolizes none other than the Holy Trinity. Which is actually pretty accurate for Neuvillette considering his role in the story – the original creator and guardian of life, and the judge of all who condemns or pardons everyone’s sins.

The triquetra also flashes above his head when you switch to him in your party, and the intensity of the flash as well as the sound effect it makes when appearing become more intense with each stack of his passive. The more stacks he has, the more the sound resembles a church bell – also heard during his Elemental Burst, as well as the music for his trailer video, which overall sounds almost like a religious hymn (well. once you take out the dubstep moments lmao), complete with the organs, bells and a choir singing in Latin. It all plays into his symbolism of a divine judge, and in a way, it also shows that he very much implements trials into combat. He fights for justice, by bringing justice.

… But it’s also kind of hilarious considering Neuvillette also references the biblical Leviathan of all things, with his constellation named after it and his character introduction (he who looks down on all that are haughty) literally quoting the Bible. And the symbolism of him looking down on sinners is also very much visible in his media, with how often he is seen literally glaring down on people – between his art, his Elemental Burst, his and Clorinde’s teasers and many moments in the game’s story, he is very often shown deliberately from an angle that has him looking at others and judging them from above. He himself also comments on that, saying that this is part of what keeps him separated from those around him and unable to bond with and understand them.

How tf they put Jesus and the Leviathan into the same person and made it work is beyond me but it’s kind of amazing and honestly I love it.

List of currently known abilities

This is page 6 of this damn Google Doc so I’m gonna try to be brief here, but I wanted to also compile for myself the things we’ve seen Neuvillette do.

Full control over Hydro

Well, duh. In short, now that his power is fully restored, Neuvillette has full and complete control over the Hydro element. In lore, anyway, as this is where we have to implement separation between lore and gameplay (such as his ability to drown outside of Fontaine or inability to casually OHKO enemies by stopping their blood from flowing, just to name a few). In lore, his control over both regular water would be near absolute. Under this power is also where he categorizes his ability to turn Oceanids into true humans by granting them proper “blood”, so this is also where we put his potential power to create life, as his power over water includes the Primordial Sea – his connection to which he is now fully aware of now that his Authority is back. (This may be demonstrated by how the pattern inside Sourcewater Droplets kind of resembles DNA strands, symbolism also used by the boss enemy inside the body of Apep, another Dragon Sovereign.) Of course it also means that he is a fantastic swimmer, and can breathe underwater, both in and outside of Fontaine in lore.

Hydro resonance

Neuvillette is known to have extreme sensitivity to the Hydro element and the movements of water. Sigewinne states that he knew of the crisis in the Fortress before we ever told him due to sensing the waves when the water level rose, and during “The Wild Fairy of Erinnyes” we also learn that he was able to sense trouble at Loch Urania by resonating with water there (yes, Neuvillette is the “visitor” Pahsiv speaks of). He appears to be able to read the memories and information contained within water at will, even from a distance, allowing him to learn about trouble within his territory in an instant. This is also where we’d categorize his ability to taste emotions and impurities in water, distinguishing the history of what it had gone through by coming in contact with or drinking it.

Emotional resonance

One of Fontaine’s plot points is that water carries emotions, especially particularly strong ones, and by resonating with water, Neuvillette can read them and search for extra information that way. This one gives him trouble, however, as between literally sensing the emotions of all of Fontaine at once, and his own limited understanding of emotions, it’s very overwhelming for him to do, leaving him rather shaken afterwards. For that reason he doesn’t do it more than necessary and deliberately suppresses it on a daily basis. He can also sense the emotions of others just in general, as mentioned in both his and Arlecchino’s character stories, but with emotions being fickle things that he doesn’t really understand, it’s more than possible to mislead him, as both Vautrin and Arlecchino successfully hide the truth of their emotional state from him.

Causing rain

Not gonna yap about this here because I already have.

Control over Pneumousia

This one makes me rage because of how woefully underdeveloped it is and the way it’s literally mentioned in one sentence just to go “oh yeah Fontaine’s energy crisis is solved now” and never brought up again, but. Yeah. I’ve mentioned it earlier already, but Neuvillette has control over Pneumousia now that his Authority is fully restored, allowing him to serve as Fontaine’s current power source. Again, lore and gameplay separation, because it should probably also technically mean that he could avoid fighting rogue Gardemeks by just turning them off, but it is what it is.

Distribution of Hydro Visions

I know some people (including characters in the game) have wondered whether Visions are distributed by the governor of a nation or of an element. With Neuvillette now granting Visions, I consider the latter to be officially the case, because I don’t see how he would hand out Visions other than Hydro. In any case, yeah. He is now the one giving out Hydro Visions, having chosen to do so out of respect for humans, with the first Vision we’ve seen him grant going to Furina – characterized by allowing her to control both Pneuma and Ousia, and by the little claws seen on it, proving that it was given by a dragon. I consider his criteria for granting someone a Vision to be fairly similar to the Archons, where someone’s wish or ambition has to reach his Throne in a way that inspires him to respond, with the main difference being that he is aware and in control of the process. I like that his character story compares this to a dragon’s treasure hoard, except you don’t need to steal anything from him – you receive a reward just for reaching him.

Creating seals and barriers

We’ve seen him do it twice, because in my personal headcanon, the seal he created at the bottom of the Fortress and the shield he attempted to use against the Narwhal are more or less the same type of power, and the ease with which the whale shattered his barrier is something of a display of just how powerful that thing had become by absorbing the power of the Primordial Sea. But yeah, not much more to say here, he knows Protect.

Teleportation

… And he also apparently knows Teleport. We’ve only seen him do it once, in the Narwhal cutscene, where really he could have just jumped off, but he warped to I guess look cool. We know nothing more about this ability of his, in my personal headcanon I imagine he only warps across short distances when necessary and on a daily basis prefers to swim or walk.

The part where he did Something to his own constellation

idk what to put here lmao. Look. He is a god who exists outside of the Heavenly Principles’ rules and basically does as he pleases because Screw Those Guys. He doesn’t even need a constellation, due to being free of Celestia’s system of fate, which the fake sky’s stars are being used to control. But since he found his calling, “the skies had left a special, ennobled place for him”, with his constellation actually being a reflection of his own image, the same as the Traveler and the Archons. And then the guy went and either reshaped it or made himself a fake one?? Because a constellation reflecting its owner’s visage can’t be used to read their fortune in astrological charts (something we know from Mona) and some Melusines are into that. Again, as I said earlier, peak dad behavior but also What.

—

I think – and sincerely hope – that I talked about everything I wanted to and didn’t forget anything. Surely 8 Google Doc pages are enough yapping.

If you made it to the end, congrats and I’m sorry (but also not really) for being insane.

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

Being the eldest kid is tough. Being the eldest kid of 10-14 ish kids? That's on a whole 'nother level baybee~

Do you know how stressful holidays are????

[sysig]

Dr. “Has to get a good grade in therapy” Doran (Patreon)

[mar-im-o]

[kitten4sannie]

look at the way i ride ~

[petrow1tch]

They weren't lying, this psychological recovery journey got hands