#they all have to do shit like write research papers
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No, but university professors might be. I went to a local state college and my professor kicked ass at it. I tried to take a university calc class and the quality of professor tanked like a stone in water. My sympathy goes out for people who have to deal with them
my roommate's been having a ROUGH time with her calculus class and the horrible professor that teaches it so i was cooking some comfort carbs for her in the hall kitchen when she sees a guy in a batman costume for 0.5 seconds on the 2nd floor balcony above us. totally shocked her out of the bad mood for a minute. later on as she's eating i ask her if she's feeling better and she just sniffles and takes a bite of her buttermilk biscuit and in the saddest, most trembling voice she mumbles "i want batman to come back :("
#if you MYST take a calculus class do yourself a favor and take it at Not A University#*must not myst#they all have to do shit like write research papers#so teaching is their second priority#get a teacher who’s used to students who have no idea what math is#find a professor who uploads pre-recorded lectures to a youtube channel and pre-prints guided notes for their students :’)#they’re the saints#also sorry for being weird on this post#I’m a math tutor at said college so people struggling in calculus is something i see everyday#to any calc students struggling it’s not ur fault babes calculus IS just like that#hang in there#and to anyone specifically in calc 2 who’s worried about the higher math classes#PLEASE hang in there!!! calc 2 is the shittiest class calc 3 and differentials are so much more chill#also reimann sums can kiss my ass bye
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I'm only halfway though Hbomberguy's new video and I dont know if this is a universal experience but my main horrified takeaway from hbomb's plagiarism video so far is that one of my highschools TAUGHT AN ENTIRE CLASS OF 13 YEAR OLDS TO PLAGIARISE. LIKE, ON PURPOSE.
I ended up moving to a much better highschool, but my first highschool essentially taught us to "write" essays by reading what someone else had written and then write what they said again but putting it "into your own words". Which in practice was teaching us to change, for example, "the works of Shakespeare were regarded by many as the first popular art form" to "Shakespeare's plays have been said by some to be the first example of popular media". One teacher actually told us that the process of writing an essay was "saying what the people you've researched have said, in a way where it sounds like you said it".
Like. The tactics that actual plagiarists use to hide the fact that they were stealing. An actual teacher tried to teach me to do that.
#hbomberguy#im so glad i left that school early the next year. it definitely would have gotten worse.#i literally didnt learn what a bibliography was until grade 9 because of how shit my first highschool was.#at the same time if a student wrote a paper that was 'too good' even if it was orginal theyd accuse them of stealing without proof#like i wrote a completely original paper and got the note 'this is very good - did you write it all yourself?'#fuck you man. yes i did. despite you trying to teach me to do the opposite#they accused me of getting my parents to write it for me. i had to show them everything i researched and my dad lost it at them#this was also the same school where they took every kid with a disability out of maths regardless of if they were good at maths or not#and taught them shapes like they were fucking three years old#i remember hanging out in the maths with all the other autistic kids and prentending to have never seen a triangle before for a joke#and while thats really bad and abelist. the non-disabled kids were still being taught addition and division like they were 8 and not 12#the whole thing was a massive fuck up shit fest. it took the year 7 maths teacher leaving for us to all get the same maths class#and we STILL werent being taught to an age appropriate level because we missed so much grade 7 maths it had to be caught up in grade 8#i would burn it down but its not a highschool anymore lol
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reopening the ask box is like... just finishing vacuuming shed cat hair, and then immediately going and petting said cat vigorously & watching with delight as So Much Fur sheds right back onto the floor
#knocked it down from 96 asks to 53 lets gooooo#i was gonna keep it closed for much longer but like. that was past me's opinion when they were way more stressed than usual#current me misses Conversing with the Masses! or something like that!#is it a smart decision? probably not!#between packing & comms i dont have much time#but keeping it closed felt so wrong... i dont like keep out signs....#absolutely unprompted#i forgot how time-consuming and difficult packing is#im too out of practice....#ive got all my sketchbooks and notebooks and paper and comics boxed up#Except my wof collection. im waiting for book 15 to be shipped before i box em all up. gotta keep things Together#but yes anyway sorry the box is Open for whatever your little heart desires#which is.... bad timing bc im gonna be chronically Offline tomorrow and probably a decent chunk of the next day#now if yall will excuse me im going to Attempt To Write Fanfic.#we'll see if i manage more than one sentence#i am doing. so much usps research for this shit its hilarious#like yes! i will read reddit threads! watch yt 'day in the life' videos! job listings! etc!#but hey now i know about casing and relays/loops and dps and flats and the difference between city and rural-#its fun to learn new things for writing!#i will be taking Liberties anyway! but at least they'll be a conscious decision yk yk#and if i ever post i can say 'hey i know this is inaccurate But its for the sake of the fic. im doing it on purpose! not outta ignorance!'#also i feel so so bad for cca's like... the work 'ethic' is so fucking inhumane are they ok-
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#meg talks#feeling really down and frustrated#ever since i caught covid over the new year ive just been doing so badly#it’s now halfway through may and not only am i having all sorts of weird new pain problems#to the point where i dragged myself to the er yesterday bc my usual meds didn’t do shit for me and i spent seven hours writhing in pain#but also mentally im just. constantly tapped out#before covid i was able to keep up w news and work on research projects and write multiple image descriptions every day and read books#and keep up w friends all while working full time#like even if i was in bed p much whenever i wasn’t at work i could still read and write and carry conversations#now it’s like i can only handle all of these things in small doses before my brain just shuts off#im still keeping up w news and describing what i can and working on my research projects and trying to make connections#but i feel so slow abt everything i do#it’s driving me up the wall#ive been trying for days to get through this one academic paper that’s rlly not even that long#and i just can’t do it. not for long anyway i have to read in small bursts#and then having to take muscle relaxants for these fucking spasms that make me really drowsy and sleep the whole day away…#idk. it might not even be abt covid i might be reading too much into it but it’s just pissing me off. thinking abt how nobody masks anymore#and how every time there’s a covid outbreak i won’t be able to properly protect myself or my brothers from it#bc of this fuckass job#idk im just tired and upset
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I will read the most inane and useless stuff for hours just for my own interest/enjoyment, but reading academic papers is like pulling a tooth 😭😭 like I genuinely think I'd find the info interesting but the fact that ik it's in pursuit of doing an assignment somehow manages to kills my motivation 100%
#step 1. you pick a research topic you find genuinely interesting#step 2. you have to research and read papers abour this topic. hey dont you remember you find this interesting??#i just remember going on deep dives learning about random historical figures#but absolutely god forbid i read anything in the pursuit of actual schoolwork#i think its mostly that i feel constantly under duresss when im reading it yknow?#all i can think is: im going to have to write something about this#lol just need someone i can blab to about politics and maybe it would actually work out for me#but ugh yeah theres just such a palpable difference btwn reading smth for enjoyment and reading something 'for work'#here is an example!#in my one class i think my prof put The Prince as a reading#i didnt even look cause im liek yeah i aint reading all of that#fast forward a year later: oh my god! i wanna read machiavelli so bad! i wanna feel intellectual 🥰🥰#literally bought myself a copy of it .....#i think im too self aware. id like to remove all sense of context from my brain#literally spent hours today watching documentaries that are actually pretty relevant to my one course#<- but note. they werent FOR my course. i was just doing ir for fun! i wanted to learn!!#but if i got assigned a hour and a half docu for class....that shit would not be getting done#ugh yeah anyways i have two research papers this sem#and its so fucking annoying bcs its so open to my choices. like here. you can pick smth you find genuinely interesting#and you guys literally witness me constantly learn info and want to apply it#but the thought of having to write a paper for school(god forbid) literally keeps me awake at night#its just yeah. wish i could remove that particular barrier from my brain#bcs some of the things i do for fandom are literally borderline research papers#like. read and research a bunch. write about it to other people. apply the info(in fic/drawing/meta)#and really the topics are not so different from my actual coursework#but when i contemplate having to research and write for school it just flatlines my brain#need to start forcing people to watch me borderline seminar so that it feels more fun and in-line w what i do on here#the fernando card post???? practically a research paper. god. my brain is so bad#catie.rambling.txt
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I am going to loose my mind trying to organise this funeral. And it's just me doing most of it alone so i cannot stop. I have to keep going
Okay.... warning i did hit 30 tags. Like u been warned if u open my tags u will be scrolling
I need a cigarette so bad and I can't drink because health. And I'm SO WIRED
#i slept after doing funeral stuff#had a dream my dad was alive and there had been mistake#woke up 7am did funeral stuff#went to sleep again and woke up with Health Symptoms#briefly sat outside#more funeral stuff#emails#phone calls#planning#checking anf rechecking anf recchecking and rechekcigng my damn to do list and emails bc i am so traumatised by#the amount of times i will forget literally any and every thing of little or great importance#music planning#email#photos and massive crying fit#break to eat#looked through 7 photo albums until my mother got mad bc she doesn't wanna do that#looked through cd after cd after cd for 3 hours of photos and some did not have photos and some had funny childhood things and i learnt a#lot about my dad from the cd from the old Brick Box Computer backup from 15 years ago and laughed so hard i triggered my asthma#and couldn't stop cry laughing hysterically for minutes#more photos#checking obsessively my email again anf adding shit to the to do list#and now....#i .... need to sleep but I'm so fucking wired#this is just like when i was at uni#i would work day in day out until i passed out. fall asleep with my laptop on my chest. dream of essays snd research papers. wake up and#start writing without even leaving bed#no fucking wonder i was so suicidal holy fuck???????#all I'm doing is funeral planning for my father but it's like being at uni again with deadlines just not enough time and the urgency
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it’s contemplating if i should change my major even though i’m graduating in december hours….. again
#it’s like. ugh. okay so psychology is interesting but i don’t work well with people but i find things so fascinating and i just want to#do a bunch of experiments and research but to do that takes like a doctorates and shit and also idrc abt most psychology i’m specifically#interested in sex so like maybe i should switch to a different science for that but like i’m v interested in gender/sexuality n shit#which u wouldn’t really get w like bio but i don’t particularly want to be working with people all the time u know? like being a#sex counselor or a therapist that specializes in gender-related shit would be interesting but like idk i just want to become an expert#and write one million papers but ough a doctorates needed for that and it’s hard to find a doctoral program that specializes in sexology#like the ones i have found require a masters and i did find a masters i’m really interested in but also going straight for#a doctorate would be faster and i love speed but idk#my main issue is that i have so many interests and i believe i can be good at any of them but idk what i want to commit to u know#bc i am an academic at heart i do want to write a lot of papers and do studies and make moves in whatever field i choose but also i want#to draw pictures all day and take photos and shit but ugh art doesn’t make money :/#idk#but i mean like i’ve said before i can always drop out of school and become a professional clown <-kinda considering doing that#after i graduate and pushing my masters back a bit for it but idk. probs not bc of certain life shit but it’d be fun
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we are fuckin COOKIN with this character analysis this morning holy fuck
#apollo's tag#my favorite thing about being hyperfixated on a story is writing full on literary analysis essays deconstructing it#im going full research paper mode on this bitch#and like. dont get me wrong we love hermitcraft and empires. who doesnt.#but by nature of the structure of their storytelling (when it appears at all in hermitcraft's case) you can almost never do shit like this#for it#the closest we ever got with empires s1 was going hog wild about pixlriffs and even that was mostly speculation on our part#in comparison mianite is like a full course meal#(i am having the time of my life rn if you couldn't tell)
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Finally jumped into my Turkey paper so the worst (the utterly paralyzing anxiety before and then complete bewilderment as I read through 60 FUCKING PAGES OF NOTES trying to remember wtf I was even going to say) is over
Have literally just been going through the notes and putting stuff into a google doc as I go, waiting on structure to emerge as I do (and it's starting to come together now)
but since I took 60 FUCKING PAGES OF NOTES just getting through the first half already has me at 9.5 pages of writing for a paper that's supposed to be 25ish
(all of which, btw, explicitly ties the "New Turkey" agenda to Sevres Syndrome, Ottoman imperial nostalgia, and AKP attempting to turn the country into a one-party nation with Erdogan as its sultan-esque figurehead-- the outcome I proposed originally and which my professor told me wasn't "accurate," putting me into this backpedaling position in the first place. If it's not accurate, then he had better start buying stamps, because many authors in many journals for DECADES have been contributing their opinions to a large body of work that says is IS accurate, so he will have a lot people to set right.)
Also I already hated Erdogan but now he's personally responsible for me even having had to write this paper, so I'm gunning for him on a purely intimate scholarly hatred as well as international ethical/political one
#I literally spent all the time last term that I was supposed to be writing this paper researching it in growing panic#waiting for my professor's point of view to emerge anywhere in anything I was reading and continuing to only see more evidence#for my interpretation#resulting in finals coming up and my being like 'I have no paper'#'only these 60 FUCKING PAGES OF NOTES which you say aren't real what do I do now'#and his advice was just like 'no New Turkey is only about foreign policy' and when I was like 'what about all this content I've found?'#he was just like 'idk'#and provided me with no help whatsoever#this morning I was just like 'I'm writing this paper and I don't care what happens' but now I'm pissed again and am like#'Well Prove me wrong then-- here's 30 pages of shit that says I'm right!'#the college saga continues
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The field of psychology knows nothing. We are so fucking behind. It is fucking incredible how much there is a black void where research into autistic adult clients in a talk therapy setting should be.
If you want to get really mad, try looking up specifically autistic adults in marriage counseling. Fuck-all. There were 18 results total, of which about half had to do with couples who have an autistic child, and the other half weren't even about therapy. Like, I'm going to keep looking for a little bit, but this is fucking bleak. I focus my academic papers on autism whenever I can, and it's always hard to get everything I need, but I've always done it. This paper? I don't think there are enough academic, peer-reviewed papers in existence on this planet to meet my source requirements for a 10 page masters paper. Absurd. Shameful. I'm having to go at my topic from the side and add subtopics about how related therapies approach autism because there literally aren't enough otherwise.
This post was going to be a zingy one-liner but then I just kept getting more angry.
If anyone tries to take this rant and claim that I said therapy is useless, kindly fuck off. There are good clinicians out there; I intend to become one of them. I'm training with several others who will be too. I know this field can be better than the state of this research. We have to do better as a collective. The fight for equality is the same here as it is in everything else—urgent, vital, and slow.
#marie talks#this is for the restoration therapy paper @ my irls on here#i did end up making the autism section a lot shorter than i wanted to#i don't have the spoons this week to fight the system this much so i went more broad#gonna add more personal reflection and also some multiculturalism#not that there are many sources on multiculturalism either#i know restoration therapy is new but holy fuck#anyway this kind of shit makes me want to switch out of a clinical track and do research instead#like fuck all yall i'll fix it myself#unfortunately i know i can do more good across the board if i am simply a good clinician than if i manage#to fund a handful of papers no one will care about or read#that said i AM going to write a thesis on how tove jansson was incredibly autistic and all her characters are too someday#but that won't be for a while.
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guys i'm gonna be honest. about two things. 1. playing super mario bros on the switch pisses me off 2. i have literally no idea how i'll write 10 pages on moral development by jan 2
#i played mario SOOO much on the ds and the 3ds and i CAN'T DO THIS ONE? killing myself#and‚ i have time‚ i'm not doing anything until january except for meeting up with friends a few times#but it's like. tomorrow is the family get-together‚ the day after in the other family get-together#i won't feel like writing when i know i'm gonna hand out with friends and i'll definitely do jack shit around new year's eve.#so that leaves a few days! lol#i am very scared. very scared#*HANG out. whatever . . correct it with your minds#as i was saying i'm super scared. am i even capable of staying coherent for 10 pages??#i'll fail this course :(( and then the others where you have to do research and write papers :( and then they'll kick me out#and everyone will know i was a fucking moron all along......... i could've avoided this by not applying to uni in the first place#but i didn't think that far ahead. and now i live in agony and i'm fucked#so yeah! if anyone knows how to write decent research essays hit me up. i'm not doing so well.#kata.txt
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I would like everyone to know that I will be celebrating November 5th by presenting the draft outline of this paper to my graduate-level "uses and abuses of history" philosophy class
#happy to do my part🫡#the title is a hermeneutical residue btw#and if i have to explain it to the class i'll be able to show epistemic injustice in real time 😌#I am a little nervous about writing this paper#I've already stumbled a few times over using “our” or “their” when talking about the queer community.#I feel like it'd be weird to pretend I'm not part of it when I'm writing shit like this#but then my research supervisor first suggested the knowledge lost because of residential schools. so.#considering I'm not indigenous perhaps the whole ~~being a member of the community~~ doesn't seem as necessary to them lol#anyway wish me luck#i already regret this a little#destiel give me strength ig 🙏#also new pseudo-intellectual term for subtext just dropped (by me)#for all those BNFs who like to pretend they're doing academic analysis or something#I felt embarrassed writing that subtitle tbh. it's like i was pulling buzz words out of a hat and playing madlibs.#it does mean things though i promise
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writing annotations for sources is one of the most annoying things ever and i just spent the last hour writing 15 annotations and now my hands hurt like hell and i wanna end it all bc i literally turned the assignment in with 1 minute remaining (and several annotations had to be compromised to get it in so i'm also sad i turned in subpar work, even if it's better than no work at all) and i still had work to do for a few of them, and a few typos slipped past and i even got 2 citations wrong.
#james talks#literally there's so much fucking research i've done today my brain is officially fried#there's nothing going on in there rn#literally not only read 1.5 novels today but also found and annotated 15 sources on Mansfield Park and Maria or The Wrongs of Woman and--#the construction of the patriarchy and systems of power in england in the 18th century and how women were subjugated by them and--#how they were also complicit in their construction and perpetuated those systems and how the laws of england also oppressed the women#i literally had to skim through half the papers to get the annotations done so i'm sure some of them aren't even entirely accurate#but my professor is already weeks behind on grading so she's not gonna check and actually read all the sources#but it's just annoying and disappointing that i couldn't get it done to my usual standards.#some of my annotations were only like 3 sentences and some only got a little bit of research and others got a bunch--#and it's really noticeable but here's to hoping my professor doesn't give enough of a shit to dock points for it.#anyway i would be so happy if i never had to do another annotated bibliograpy or literature review in my life.#literally gonna go put on some music and lie in bed and try to relax and hopefully get some sleep#though i had to take 4 cups of coffee to power through today's mountain of work so sleep is not very likely atm#anyway i have a whole day's of youtube to catch up with as well#and i have to do more research and a powerpoint for a class presentation on monday that i can't actually do until late sunday bc--#i won't be at home this weekend since i have to go to my aunt's and my laptop is broken and it's annoying to do on my phone#and i obviously can't take my whole computer to her place#AND i have to prepare for finals in a week and turn in a bunch of creative writing to my writing groups and start 4 multi-page papers#literally i'm gonna kill myself at this rate#jesus christ i'm spiraling. let me go try to relax for a while.
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oh my god secret life is tomorrow.
#BROTHER IM GONNA BE WORKING ON FINISHING THIS FUCKING PAPER ALL DAY I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!#CANT WE POSTPONE IT LIKE ONE MORE DAY#AND ITS THE FUCKING INSANE SESSION THAT ALL OF THEM KEEP HINTING ABOUT BEING BATSHIT CRAZY NOOOOOOOOOO#I CANT DO THIS GET ME OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT#im gonna have to wait until like. either LATE tomorrow or deadass just saturday to even watch any of it#cause this paper is due tomorrow at midnight and i havent even starting writing it yet im just now finishing up my research and#outline and shit. so im gonna be working on that like all day KILLL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE#serena.txt
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fiiiine okay Alexander Palace and Isaac Finch and Jimmy Green here we go
fem!payneland is seriously running the show that is my brain rn, like I was going to write a quick flirty one shot to incorporate how perplexed Charlotte would be with Edwina’s undergarments (as inspired by my fanart series, most recent part and links to all the others found here!) but then I somehow managed to rewrite nearly the whole meeting scene with my versions of the characters and now I want to make it a series too……….. something about the ghost yuri is getting to me
if I end up writing any more than what I’ve already done, however, I’ll want to bring Crystal and Niko and all our favorite other characters into the fold as well, so now I’ve got a bigger question for y’all: (and yes I also don’t like the term genderbend but im using it here to denote that they're sex swapped as in not trans about it yk)
#im still tempted by the all your option but ig I should include men#after I write this paper I’ll be doing more research on Niko in particular#and maybe I’ll do some art this weekend. maybe. no promises#and I feel the need to reiterate that the characters will not be exactly the same just gender bent#gender impacts personality and interpersonal relationships so we’re messing shit up#some plot points might need to be changed entirely#like idk what to do with Lilith ??????#maybe I’ll just have Isaac not be involved with gods#or put him in touch with some powerful demons or something#bc the “wronged woman angle isn’t going to cut it lmao#idk idk we’ll have to wait and see#butchfemme payneland au#my dead girls <3#dead boy detectives#edwin payne#charles rowland#payneland#dbda#dbda fanfic#dbda fanart
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From annoying to beloved
Homelander x fem!Reader
Synopsis: The new member of the Seven annoys Captain Patria with their habit of doodling in the corners all the time, but he didn't expect to end up liking it.
During the fourth season, it can be read as both romantic and platonic.
Warnings: Swearing, mentions of murder, the reader has the power to control plasma, fluffy.
The reader is also kind of anxious.
Word count: 2.9k
"You gotta be fucking kidding with me." Homelander interrupted abruptly upon hearing snores in the room. "Is Noir sleeping?"
"Mmhmm," Firecracker murmured in agreement, but the masked superhero jolted awake when The Deep kicked his chair.
"Oh, shit! Sorry, guys." Black Noir straightened up, while the Captain shook his head in disbelief, unable to fathom what he had just witnessed.
"Ah, what the fuck." The blonde furrowed his brows, eyes darting around the room quickly, then fixing on a specific point when something else caught his attention. He had noticed you earlier with a notebook and pencil, but now you're not writing but drawing. The irritating sound of the graphite scraping against the paper had been bothering him for some time, but he had tried to ignore it, assuming as a newcomer you were taking notes.
He wouldn't lie. Though he found taking notes utterly stupid, he liked to think someone was that focused on what he said. Not that he needed it, just opening his lips and everyone would be watching him. But as if that weren't enough, he finally realized you were dressed in regular civilian clothes.
"Radiance, where's your suit?" He asked slowly, but angrily. "Can't anyone do anything right around here?"
You finally tore your attention from the paper, meeting Homelander gaze directly. It's not that you weren't paying attention—in fact, you were, maybe more than anyone else there. It was easier to absorb things while doodling, a way to calm your nerves. Well, that or rubbing your sweaty fingers together until they hurt.
No one ever understood. Even back in school, your parents used to receive complaints about you drawing during class, no matter how high your grades were or the fact that you were the top student.
This was your first meeting with the Seven, and the last thing you wanted was to give the impression of being careless or not caring about being there. It could be said that one of the best days of your life was yesterday when Vought sent you a notice, letting you know that the greatest superhero of all had personally chosen you to join the team. After so many "retarded" - in his words - he had been forced to accept into the Seven, Homelander saw in you, above all, the opportunity to make up for Firecracker's ridiculous weakness.
When Ashley began talking about your powers, he had no doubt the last spot was yours. It was simply brilliant. Who the hell would have imagined someone would have powers to control a state of matter? You could maneuver fire, generate electrical discharges, disrupt magnetic fields, and damn it, you could split atoms as if slicing butter.
Vought's scientists said they didn't know if it was possible, but you could destroy the damn out of a star one day. Homelander wasn't a science guy, but in one of his moments of boredom, he got curious and did some research. He didn't even know that plasma crap was all that, he thought it was a cell thing or whatever.
He always thought someone with a power as peculiar as yours, and at your age, would be arrogant or just plain dumb. But you were actually the complete opposite. You didn't speak unnecessarily, and while you seemed very aware of your own actions, you had no clue how powerful you were, or perhaps ignored that fact. The blonde thought you were an idiot for it, but he appreciated the inferiority you submitted to, especially in relation to himself.
"I don't have one, sir," you replied to his question, feeling small with everyone looking.
"What the hell?" He continued, focusing on you with incredulous voice, he couldn't believe it. How did someone end up here without even having a superhero suit?
The truth was, you had never been part of any team before, nor had you received any sponsorship during your life, or even attended Godolkin University. The only thing you had were your powers, which were indeed impressive. You never chased after any position, nor were you ever obsessed with being a famous superheroine, but lately you thought it would be a good adventure to radicalize your life. That's when you applied to join the Seven.
"How do you have a name and not have a fucking suit?" He asked, boiling with anger, fists clenching tightly behind his back.
"They gave me a name when I filled out the application," you answered honestly. That day, after they chose to call you Radiance, a random and easily commercial name, you couldn't complain much and didn't want to bother, so you left it at that.
"You'll be introduced as an official member of the Seven tomorrow, how do you not have a suit?" He took his hands off his back, moving them as he spoke to express his confusion, and for a few moments you followed it movement like a child who can't keep their attention on anything for long. "Who's handling your marketing?"
You couldn't answer, so you stayed silent and no one else dared to say a word either. You had no idea who was handling your marketing, not knowing you should even have that. You glanced quickly around the table, perhaps seeking some kind of help for the situation, but everyone looked down when they realized you were staring at them. They were enjoying themselves, and that made you exhale through your nose in embarrassment.
"You know what? Fuck it, doesn't matter." Homelander brought his fingers to his furrowed forehead, letting out a loud sigh as he calmed down. "Just... don't show up like this in public until someone gives you a suit."
"Yes, sir," you replied tensely, relieved that he had resolved the matter.
Sister Sage widened her eyes in relief when she finally saw the superhero sitting beside her. She opened her mouth to begin speaking, as she had intended from the beginning, but when some sound was about to come out of her mouth, Homelander spoke to you again, this time pointing an accusatory finger at you:
"And stop drawing, damn it," he ordered, causing you to slowly drop the pencil on the table, as if caught doing something wrong with the weapon of the crime in hand. You stared at your lap throughout the entire meeting, embarrassed for messing everything up on your first day.
When the meeting ended, you followed most people out of the room, but stopped nearby in one of the hallways. You slid down the wall, crouching in a hidden corner, and lightly tapped the sketchbook against your forehead in annoyance.
"Stupid," you murmured softly to yourself. It was so ridiculous, yet it embarrassed you so much. Maybe this first day wasn't so bad after all. You would have plenty of time to prove your worth to everyone, no need to dwell on this situation. Even though you had been corrected in front of some of the most iconic supers by Homelander himself, this situation could be overcome. It was thinking about it that kept you from letting the burning tears fall.
"I can hear you whining," Homelander voice made you jump to your feet, startled to be caught once again doing something you shouldn't. He didn't seem happy, and his expression was so intimidating that you felt like Mariah Carey performing for a crowd of Eminem fans.
He approached you in slow steps and you held the sketchtebook protectively to your chest, as if that could protect you from something. He glanced down to briefly see the object in your hands and looked at you with disgust.
"If you don't straighten up, I'll kick you out. Got it?" Everything about him exuded threat. Maybe if he weren't so imposing and powerful, that sentence would have sounded a bit like the janitor from your old school scolding you for spending too much time in the bathroom during class.
You were paralyzed standing there and all you could do was a nod. But your gesture made him more aggressive.
"Answer with your mouth. Are you mute or something?" And there he was, hands behind his back again. He seemed to enjoy that pose.
"I won't mess up, sir," you said, swallowing your saliva.
"And get rid of that. Or burn it, do whatever, just get rid of it. And I better not see you with that again," he said referring to your notebook, walking away faster than before. "These kids..." you heard him mutter distantly.
After that happened, you didn't destroy the sketchtebook, but you were afraid of being caught and kept it safely tucked away in the back of a drawer in your room. What the eyes don't see, the heart doesn't feel, right? You mentally made a promise to yourself not to use it anywhere else but here, to avoid causing more trouble.
It's been a week since you've been with the Seven, and several strange things have happened. You quickly realized that Homelander wasn't the pristine and merciful hero everyone believed him to be. But the truth was that deep down you already expected that. Everything about heroes always seemed too perfect and pure, there had to be a catch. Despite everything, you still remained yourself, never intentionally hurting anyone or getting involved in murders and conspiracies.
You were comfortable helping out with some minor crimes that Vought sent you to solve, but by now you suspected that sooner or later Homelander would ask you to do some of his atrocities. It was still hard to think about how to feel about it, but you weren't naive, you were already mentally preparing to submit to it or else be killed.
During that time, as you adjusted and interacted with the team, it didn't go unnoticed by Homelander that you were drawing on your own hand, or on napkins and on random sheets you found lying around, even though you hadn't shown up with your sketchtebook again. This was starting to wear on his last nerve, but he tried to ignore it. As long stayed as you were, without asking too many questions and obedient, he made an effort to continue overlooking your makeshift drawings.
"Meeting's over," the blond suddenly declared, interrupting another of the Seven's weekly gatherings while cutting off The Deep's rambling about his ideas.
"But I haven't even talked about the flying shark yet," he tried to defend himself.
"Shut up," Homelander's voice rang out sternly in the room, issuing a warning that the man promptly obeyed.
"Right. Meeting's over." Ashley nervously moved to gather the portfolios on the new soda advertisement she had come to present, but as soon as she touched the first folder, specifically the A-Train one, the superhero exploded in rage:
"Ashley! Get out!" She immediately dropped the folder in place and hurried out in her heels, unable to run in them. "All of you! Get out of here."
Everyone got up from their chairs, even you, and filed out through the front door, leaving the folders on the table. Sister Sage hesitated, thinking she might be an exception, but when his scowl deepened, she understood she should leave too.
With the room empty, Captain Patria took a few minutes to admire the view from the tower. He enjoyed staring at it sometimes, even when bored.
"Bunch of idiots," he muttered to himself, shaking his head in denial, indignant. If he had to spend one more minute with these morons, he would have a heart attack, even though that was technically impossible for him.
He threw his cape back as he turned to leave, looking down and not focusing on anything in particular. But his eyes caught something different from the other folders. It was obviously yours, with a huge drawing covering the text and images printed on it.
That was the first time he actually saw something you had scribbled. And damn, it was perfect. It was a drawing of everyone in the room, with him in the center looking angry. Just as he was. His ego flared up as he noticed that his figure was more detailed than the others'. You must have started drawing him first, hence had more time to detail him. The idea of you making him the main focus of this particular drawing made his pupils dilate. He used his super hearing to check if anyone else was around and secretly took that sheet for himself.
The next time he saw you drawing in the Seven's room, he couldn't help but wonder if you were drawing him again. As soon as he noticed you sneakily reaching for a pen that belonged to Ashley, he looked in your direction. The noise that used to annoy him now sparked curiosity. And after staring at you for so long, it didn't take long for you to look back at him too. The blond thought you would be embarrassed, like most people, but you just grinned as if you were used to being caught looking. And indeed, you were.
You began drawing Homelander more frequently when you realized he never caught you watching him. It was easier and avoided awkward situations with other people. After two whole weeks of drawing him continuously while taking advantage of this freedom, you felt capable of drawing his face without even needing to see a photo, having memorized most of his distinctive features.
Well, it seems he's finally noticed you.
Sometimes, when alone in your room, you took out your sketchbook and started practicing the memory of his facial features you had developed. Just like every other time, you became absorbed in the drawing, focusing only on the voices around you to understand what was being said. This was also a way to keep yourself engaged during conversations, so you wouldn't get restless from being still while being a mere spectator of everything. After all, you never participated much or gave opinions; Deep already did enough for two.
The meeting had already ended, but you stayed in your chair, even as everyone else left, to finish just a part of the hair. You thought no one would mind, and then you would leave as usual, but a voice caught you by surprise:
"Can I take a look?" Homelander asked, for the first time, using a gentle voice beside you. His expression was enigmatic, somewhat relaxed, and shy at the same time.
You turned the stack of post-it notes, also taken from Ashley, for him to see what you had drawn, fearing what he would say. You weren't ashamed of drawing people, much less of them catching you doing it. You feared because he found your habit annoying.
He observed the drawing, seeing his posture from the side, upright and imposing. He wondered if you drew him exactly as you saw him, or if it was just another caricature of reality, like those Photoshopped pictures spread around. He looked much better than he imagined, though he had that superiority complex that made him see himself as a god.
For a moment, he was offended to see his image stamped on such despicable things as scraps of paper and these damn post-it notes. Your fingerprints were also visible stains, and the paper was slightly wrinkled from his sweat. He had noticed that sometimes you drew calmly, as if you had all the time in the world, and other times it was like drawing on a boat in a storm. Today seemed to be the latter situation.
"Do you like drawing me?" He glanced at you.
"I do," you shrugged. That was the simplest and most truthful answer you could give. "Sorry, I won't do it anymore," you said, thinking he was bothered by it.
"Why?" He ignored your apology.
"You're drawable... I guess," you stared at the table, not understanding the flow of the conversation.
"And what the fuck does that mean?" He asked in a louder voice, turning to face you, obviously confused. "Is this some artistic shit?"
"It's just that you're easy to draw because you have unusual characteristics. It's a good thing," was your answer, and it inflated his chest with narcissistic pride. Unusual, that's what you said, but to him, it was like being called extraordinary.
"Next time you draw me, try using a sketchbook," he said sternly, pretending to reject your work, but deep down, he just didn't want to show that he really liked it. That statement was his way of encouraging you to continue, but at the same time, it was so ironic, considering he got mad at you just when you were drawing him in the sketchtebook that day.
"But you asked me to get rid of mine," you said simply, your voice dwindling with each word of the sentence, not wanting him to find out that you had never thrown it away.
"I'll get you a new one," he said dismissively, taking the entire stack of post-it notes with him, including the drawing, as if you wouldn't notice.
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