#bc i am an academic at heart i do want to write a lot of papers and do studies and make moves in whatever field i choose but also i want

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

it’s contemplating if i should change my major even though i’m graduating in december hours….. again

[fluxweeed]

Hii, I just discovered your fics and am reading my way through them. Love, love, love the ones I’ve read so far.😊 I was just wondering what your favourite Draco is you’ve written, and what your fave Draco is in fics written by others? ☺️

ACK thank you!! what a question!! i've considered this v carefully and it turns out i have………a lot of thoughts. i will keep them under a cut so nobody is accosted with a full 700 words of my Draco Opinions 😂 so my quick answer is:

my fave draco i've written: the taste of țuică my fave draco ever: rookie moves by peu_a_peu

draco is an interesting one for me bc i don't really LIKE him? but i have sooo many feelings about him. really not sure i could summon the same fervour for harry, for example, who is my number one boy forever and always.

(i saw a thing once that said a pairing becomes ur otp when u relate to one of the characters and want to fuck the other one, and 🙈 i mean, i think you're supposed to relate to the gryffindor, aren't you. whoops.)

OKAY SO HERE'S THE UNHINGED DRACO MALFOY ESSAY BY FLUX W. EED.

listen. i love and respect people who are Refined Draco enjoyers. connoisseurs of redemption arcs. appreciators of majestic malfoy bone structure and ethereal grey eyes and soft windswept hair. fans of dracos who insult harry (with hidden affection) and who are a bit snobbish (in a rich, sexy way) but ultimately have realised the error of their teenage years and have become a better person. perhaps this draco has built a potions business and helps the aurors. perhaps he IS an auror. either way, he has a biting sense of humour, maybe, but he's a good guy.

unfortunately, the draco of my heart is a horrid mean little rat man.

i've never actually managed to write him the way i love him. i tried to aim for immoral bastardy in what's mine is yours but i got so caught up in trying to nail the feelsforbreakfast-style humour in the narrative that i ended up focusing much more on that and much less on writing genuine bastardhood.

i've written him as reserved and clever (in the four doors – this draco was written entirely for @jovialobservationanchor, who had a weak spot for closed-off academics with soft centres) and as a traumatised self-loathing mess (in two to lie and to some extent for lack of wanting and say no to this) and hopelessly sexually/emotionally horny for one harry james potter (in, um, most things) but i've never managed to capture the genuine cruel streak and flawed personality that is sooo so important to me.

WHICH IS WHY i picked țuică!draco for my favourite of the ones i've written. he's still a bit too emotionally intelligent to be Just Right, imo, but i think he's maybe the closest? he's unrepentantly rude to people. he's not attractive. and he has a streak of self-destructive fucked-upedness that is some form of wartime guilt, but certainly not a pretty one.

HOWEVER. rookie moves?? NAILED it. i adooored how genuinely fuckin MEAN he is, even tho he's an auror. i love love LOVED that he's kind of bad at his job in a way that's in complete opposition to how drarry!draco is often written these days:

The look on Malfoy’s face was not only troubling, Harry realized, but familiar. At once activated and dead behind the eyes, like an invasive species in an ecosystem that could not check it. It was the look of the meanest fucking teenager Harry had ever known, giving in to his urge to bully.

-

What Malfoy wasn’t good with was people. Despite his repeated insistences that his upbringing had equipped him with impeccable manners and a facility with society intrigue, the truth was that he rubbed almost everyone the wrong way. He was, undeniably, annoying. Witnesses were put off by his snide, dismissive tone, and he didn’t know how to coax out information with curiosity, warmth, or strategic silence.

that's not to say unrepentant cunt draco is the only one for me!! i DO enjoy the classic redeemed drarry draco!! i love a quirky draco, à la wwpwcs or maya's drop dead gorgeous. gallaplacidia's draco is sooo painful for me to read (complimentary) that even though i adore her fics, i still haven't read them all bc i have to space them out, for my health. and i'm sure there are dozens more dracos that i'm forgetting how much i like – basically, as long as he isn't super suave, absolutely gorgeous and/or obviously tom felton, i'm on board.

[thegoldencontracts]

Bro this is gonna seem so entitled of meeeee and I really don't mean to complain but why is it that so many x Riddle fics (no matter the ship) are just so fucking one-sided...

don't be a coward show Riddle in love... It feels better when they get together that way too

In canon hes so nice and reasonable... Don't do this to him COME ON STOP MAKING HIM A DOG SHIT BOYFRIEND WHILE HIS PARTNER JUST TAKES bro.

this is bc of an Azurido fic I read recently tbh... I love the ship so much but at the same time a large part of the charm is how at first neither of them like each other - Azul is envious of Riddle but begrudgingly respects his power and vice versa but then that changes during book 6 and these two academic rivals can't help but warm up to each other Azul isn't fucking in love with him while Riddle just doesn't gaf BRO

Low-key wanna write a kinda spitefic angst with a happy ending where Azul gets insecure bc Riddle shows basically no affection and is actively cold to him a lot and ends up acting like a fucking dick to Riddle and then there's a lot of angst and drama and it's like three or four, maybe even six chapters of tea and angst and emotions featuring other charactere and exploration and it ends with them having a big sweet heart to heart amd GOD IM LOVIMG THIS PREMISE

but I know that it would fucking flop like that one Jeiazu longfic I started and gave up on T_T

Why? Bc on top of azurido being a rare pair, NO ONE WOULD LIKE THAT IDEA BUT ME... Because it's just not a common preference just like no one wants to talk about Jamil's pining in pre-relationship JamiAzu

BEING DIFFERENT ISN'T WORTH IT GUYSSS,,, I am a creature of yapping I need someone to tap to about this but I HAVE NO ONEEE bc it is universally depicted as a bad take

Also how the fuck did I go from 'I feel like this is a common mischaracterization of Riddle' to 'WHY ARE MY TAKES EVAPORATED GIVE ME THE COLD WATER TAKES I MUST YAP'

Idek man

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Rachel,

I have a few questions if you don’t mind:

1. How do you get comfortable writing the story of your heart? I’ve been pushing off big story ideas that I want to write so that I can get better at writing. But like what if that’s making me feel less motivated or am I just being annoying about it? Maybe I should just suck it up and practice something easier because I honestly don’t have the skills for a complex novel idea.

2. Do you ever look at other writers progress and process and feel bad about your own? Because I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately and trying to adapt to every writers process is impossible and not fun. But I’m stifled by the fear of doing things wrong even though there’s not really a “wrong” way to write.

3-4. I want to participate in nano but I’m a student so it’s going to be a challenge. Since you also were a student do you have any tips? I’ve heard from others that I should just give up writing while in school and every time it hurts, even though I know they don’t mean me any harm. I just want to know if it’s really impossible. So I guess this really is a 2 part question: Do you have any time management tips for writing as a student and do you have any tips for starting nano for the first time?

Hi hi hi!

1. Tbh, my best advice is just to write what you want. If that’s the hard thing, then go for the hard thing. I skirted around difficult projects thinking I didn’t have the skill set for them but that just led me to never writing them. The truth is you’re always going to be missing something before writing a project—writing is an evolutionary art form for that reason, so it’s intrinsic that we learn and fail as we go.

2. I don’t really feel bad when comparing myself to other writers but this probably is mostly because I generally don’t have negative self-talk anymore (IDK WHERE IT WENT LOL) but you’re absolutely not alone in this feeling (& I know I’ve felt this way in the past). You’ve got it right that there’s no one process, and tbh, the thing you might have to do is just constantly remind yourself of that when writing in order to push through. A lot of the time if writing is sticking for me for a more abstract reason like this I have to grit my teeth and keep reminding myself it’s okay to be imperfect, etc.

3. To be verrrryyy honest with you, I struggled to balance writing & school and while I don’t think you have to give up writing while being a student, something a lot of the times naturally has to give since being a student is so time consuming. Not to be discouraging at all but just as a precursor because I was never able to successfully do NaNo when I was in school (not even in high school) EXCEPT for in 2022, and that was for a couple reasons. Mostly, I just put school on the back burner haha. I’m not recommending this but at that point in my degree I was tired of how I was being treated & not being able to prioritize my own writing & I started to push the boundaries of my academics to see how much I could let go in order to write. This is not something I responsibly recommend, but it’s what I did. I wrote a lot in lectures (….. oops lol) & pulled back a bit on assignments (I still did as well as I typically do which is when I realized for me I could put in less effort into school & get the same results—just MY experience, again not a recommendation).

So I’m not saying it’s impossible but I don’t want to make it seem like I was able to juggle both. I wasn’t lol! I skipped classes, I BS’d assignments & that’s bc school wasn’t my priority anymore (this was 100% best for my mental health & I surprisingly academically performed the best I ever have & also graduated #1 in my faculty BUT I thrive off of chaotic timetables & doing things when I’m not supposed to lol, so again not a recommendation & just context as to how I did it).

Otherwise, a couple things I did: edited late at night when I was too tired to draft & added words through line level edits. Used scene ideas from old books & propagated them into the new book. Prepped a little in advance by drafting (or you could outline) so I knew where I was going. Got ahead by 1k as much as I could. It also helped that I was at the exact right place at the exact right time to do nano (literally got right to the climax at the very end), so a lot of my success I think was also luck.

My biggest tip for starting NaNo for the first time is to be open for your expectations to change & to listen to yourself as you go because a word count isn’t worth your mental health! If you can plan around busy days that can also help too. November was always the worst month for deadlines when I was in school, so if you’re falling behind it’s soooo okay! Have fun with it—NaNo isn’t supposed to be stressful, so if it is it’s okay to amend the goal to suit your lifestyle! :)

[blujaishah]

hi! How’s it going?

This is a good opportunity to explain why I haven't been posting art dont read any of it if u dont want to it's more for me

Aside from normal academic stuff it's mostly because my school's literary magazine is allowing submissions and I really want to get my art in it (you're a published artist/author if you get in it)

Thing is last year I didn't get my art in it (I made a self portrait titled 'hearts' that I stupidly never took a picture of because I never got it back) but they had too many art submissions and not enough literary submissions so most of the art got cut from the magazine

So I think you can tell that I was pissy bc I really need to get my art in this thing

So now I have been focusing a lot on my submission because I'm writing something with it, it's gonna look like a children's picture book with multiple drawings and a story

I might post it here if it doesn't end up being too personal but prob not

It's taking me a while because one i want it to look good and two i want it to look painted and that isn't my normal style and three because I am not a writer

Another reason as to why I'm not posting is because I'm looking for jobs because ur girl does not have money and that's something I wanna prioritize

And the last reason is less fun and something that I genuinely need to type out and admit in writing is that my parents are absolute batshit crazy and I want nothing more than to complete my high school credits and leave my home town

My sister didn't mind leaving like I want to in fact she wanted to get as far away from us (specifically my dad) as possible but she has no problem having me with her and husband because they've somewhat settled down

She's traveled the world and she's pretty cool, she's at a very prestigious university, she went to Thailand in high school, she's been to Jordan, Lebanon, and a couple years ago she went to Palestine for a year and became a high school teacher there she's awesome

It would be amazing to go to college where she is (i'm in a position financially and academically where going out of state for college is very possible ESPECIALLY where she is) and also to get to know her husband more would be great cause we barely got to know each other when he was here

My brother on the other hand didn't want to leave our mom but really needed to get out of the house because of our dad so now he's in this really awkward position where he lives in an apartment literally a 15 minutes walk from our house and by extension his very comfortable bedroom, and also he comes home every night to see our mom

It absolutely sucks and I very much want to leave my home even though I say what my parents want me to say I'll do after high school when I'm around them

My dad is demented and I have no problem admitting that he's never abused me physically but he has verbally quite a few times and hinted at physical abuse and it gets to me a lot

mostly it's about academics which he is quite literally insane for thinking I don't do well academically

There's a lot of stuff with him that's god awful and i wont get into it because that's what I do in a therapeutic environment which I cant get without being gaslit by my family so yeah

I can't draw anything except what I have to with all this it's a lot to be thinking about because I'm still just a kid and idk i can't handle it maturely so I have to write about it on tumblr lmao

[actual-sleeping-beauty]

i was tagged in this by @welcometololaland (whose banner i also stole) @jesuisici33 @rmd-writes and @liminalmemories21 i think? idk it was many days ago but here i go!

ONE: Are you named after anyone?

yes, my first and middle names are family names. on the one hand i think my name is quite pretty, but on the other hand i have some complicated feelings about the self-fulfilling prophecy of it

TWO: When was the last time you cried?

uhhhh, probably two thursdays ago when i realized that i'm not going to be able to go back to school in the fall bc of the *gestures broadly*

THREE: Do you have kids?

no, i'm twenty and also pretty sure i don't want them

FOUR: Do you use sarcasm a lot?

yeah. you would be amazed at how well it does not work in arabic.

FIVE: What sports have you played/do you play?

i played baseball until i was nine, at which point i switched to softball until i was about sixteen. i only quit playing bc there wasn't a chill league for teenagers. i was on my school archery team from fourth through eighth grade, and on my school's academic team from sixth to 12th grade. i also practiced jiu jitsu for a couple years in high school, before the pandemic and also before the owners of the gym i went to started being massively transphobic trump fans. i am a team sports girlie at heart tho and i want to try to find an adult softball league after i'm out of college and have some more time.

SIX: What's the first thing you notice about people?

any fun clothes or accessories! i love paying people compliments and "i love your earrings!" is a great one that doesn't comment on people's bodies. i also notice if people are much taller than me.

SEVEN: What's your eye colour?

my driver's license says blue, but it kinda depends on the shirt i'm wearing. yes, i do know that that's an annoying answer.

EIGHT: Scary movies or happy endings?

both? i pick happy endings more often but i do love a good horror movie

NINE: Any special talents?

i'm really good at calling my state representatives and jaywalking? no but for real, i kick ass at learning languages. some people have brains built for math, and i have a brain built to be a polyglot. i'm pretty sure if you dropped me in italy that within six months i'd speak pretty fluent italian, though of course italian and spanish are very similar

TEN: Where were you born?

in a hospital, but not the one any of my siblings were born in

ELEVEN: What are your hobbies?

reading (mostly fic right now), chatting with my friends and sister, crocheting/sewing/knitting, giving tours for my school. (we're all gonna let that last one slide bc i literally did it for fun during the summer one day lol)

TWELVE: Do you have any pets?

yep! my family has two very large dogs, one of whom is a complete idiot and the other of whom is an asshole on purpose. and my roommate has a cat

THIRTEEN: How tall are you?

five two :'( but at least i fit better than most on airplanes

FOURTEEN: Favourite subject in school?

in high school band, biology, history. in college polysci and arabic, with a healthy dose of spanish language literature.

FIFTEEN: Dream job

blah blah i do not dream of labor (except secretly i kind of do) but i would love to work in refugee resettlement using either my spanish or arabic skills. for right now though i have the perfect college job. i love my oldies <3

i think everyone has been tagged in this, so consider this an open tag if you missed it the first go round!

[cieloclercs]

hiya! congratulations on 1k, i can't think of anyone more deserving 🥺

can i request a lover, you should’ve come over for f1/f2?

here's a description of me - i am...

a 5'1.5 asian american girl (the 0.5 really matters for shorties like me 😔) with dark brown hair and brown eyes who is a lover of STEM (particularly chemistry and math), golf (and ofc f1). i will be a chem major in college but i am currently taking a gap year to do an internship and maybe spend some time in france 🤷🏻‍♀️. i am hoping to pursue medicine after college and i am trilingual and (fluent in Mandarin, English, and French). on the astrology side, i'm a libra, ascendant in gemini, and moon in virgo. i've played piano for at least 14 years and guitar for like 2 or 3 years. the absolute loml is my sister's dog bella, who is a cojack (jack russell and corgi mix).

also nobody quite writes angst like you do, so can I also request grace for charles and just like friends (in love) to strangers? idk if that's really a trope but i just need to be fed 😭

if you want to expand it 😉that would be even more amazing but no pressure

i ship you with mick schumacher!

— something about mick and a stem!s/o just makes sense to me i’m not entirely sure why 😭 i can imagine him asking you loads of questions about your schoolwork and just staring up at you with those puppy dog eyes all amazed bc you’re so smart 🥹 pls ask him to help you revise !! although don’t expect him to be a whole lot of help, he’ll probably get distracted watching you and forget he’s supposed to be asking you questions (he’s such a cutie) ☺️

— i think it’s a running theme in this that mick is just in awe of you and everything you do, sooo when he finds out you’re not only a super smart academic but you’re a musician as well ??? he’s obsessed. he’ll literally sit down and ask you to play for him just because he’s so in awe and he can’t believe how lucky he is to have you 🥹 basically he’s the sweetest angel on earth with the purest heart and he’ll do anything for you

— of course, there’s no mick without angie !! when you guys get together it’s a big thing introducing your dogs because you both love them so much, and it’s such a relief when they get on perfectly ! i can definitely see you guys taking them on joint walks to the park where you sit together on a bench and watch them play (hjshjshsh this concept makes me melt 🥹) cuddles definitely always have angie and your dog incorporated (they want attention so they won’t have it any other way). i can see you all huddled together on the sofa having a cute little family movie night 🥰 it’s all just domestic bliss with mick around :)

ps. i’ll be getting to the second part of your request asap 😉 i love the concept !! i can tell this is going to break my heart to write though 😭 (giving very much saudade vibes with the friends to strangers) 🥲

[faitsansorganes]

I drank a little so now it's my followers' problem if they decide to read this post (unwise decision)

anyways why do I always latch onto some professor (or in the past teacher) as a free parent when they can never be that. and I have so many conversations with them in my head where I pretend they are praising me or telling me things are going to be alright because that's what I want really. even though when I do impress people no matter how much it's never enough but still I crave it from these people I reverse-adopt in my head. and I feel so bad about it it's so weird to have someone you elevate mentally so much when really they're just some guy who happens to have a position in shaping you and yet to you they're like something you hang your entire sense of self on. which of course I can't tell them about bc this is insane right. anyways why did I start thinking about this right it's because well (as some who have the misfortune of reading my posts may have guessed) this year it's my philosophy professor and the academic year is coming to an end. less than a month of classes left, I only have him for lectures and the one this coming week I can't even go to because for another class we have odrabiane zajęcia (not translating this bc we never had odrabienie zajęć in the states so I have no idea wtf to call this) which my classmates voted to hold at the same time as the philosophy lecture. so like... two more lectures? maybe I go to his office hours one more time and that's it. and yeah literally that's all our interaction has been, my going to his office hours a few times to ask questions (and I feel so unconfident it took me two times going to the philosophy department building before I finally got the nerve to actually go to his office to talk to him) from which he supposedly thinks I have "exceptional talents" but what are those? going and complaining about Kant? fucking up my grammar spectacularly? that's another reason why I can't feel too happy at his praise because he's a very kind-hearted man so he says for example I "speak Polish wonderfully and write fantastically" but that's not true. my speech is communicable (very messy) and my writing is decent but that's all. I don't think he would lie but I think he has too gentle an opinion. I don't know what my talents are. it's nice he thinks I have some though

also the thing is I don't even know, I might end up working with him next year if everything works out and I get into the interdisciplinary program I want because each student gets a "tutor" right. and they can ask whoever technically but certain ones will be suggested based on interest. and anyways I'm planning to focus on philosophy bc irregardless of my wish he was idk basically my father I guess it's also just very fascinating to me and then I think my secondary focus will be Japanese which he is also interested in so I can him being suggested especially when I think I have a lot more philosophical interest in common with him (fucking works in the aesthetics faculty hahahahahahahaha and interested in phenomenology, left politics, etc.) than say a professor of logic or ethics but even so. he might be too busy for that or maybe someone else will be suggested for other reasons in which case I will be too embarrassed to ask him or maybe I won't get into the program for circumstances reasons. but either way it's pathetic for me to care this much right? I objectively shouldn't and it's weird as hell

I forgot how I planned to end this post and now I'm sobering up anyways so idk. posting this before I get too entirely embarrassed. oh yeah I was wondering what am I going to do when I'm older? it's already laughable when I could have theoretically graduated university already if my life weren't so ??? and I'm still doing this but what about when I'm wrinkled?

I'd like to believe I'll have a better sense of self by then that doesn't rely on latching onto poor people just going about their lives. that's a nice thing to hope for. let's end this post on a positive note!

[i-willstealyourtoes]

✚✚ ABOUT ME ✚✚

(Just realised I haven't made one yet lol)

✚General✚

Name: 'IWillStealYourToes'

Nicknames (in order of pref): Toto, To, IWillStealYourToes (bit ominous saying my whole username 💀 /lh)

Pronouns + Gender: She/her + Female

Sexuality: Bisexual/a-spec(?) + maybe polyam (I'm open to trying)

Languages: English, though I'm learning German and Spanish too :)

MBTI: ENFJ(-T)

Other: I'm neurodivergent bc I have OCD (and maybe smth else like ADHD)

✚Interests✚

Academic:

Languages - Ever since early Highschool, I adored all languages! I currently only learn German and Spanish, but if I could I would learn French too. My dream is to be at least tri-lingual!!

Maths - I think since I was young I was always good at maths, which I'm very grateful for. I think my favourite type of Maths is probably shapes in triangles or something like that, though algebra in general is fun :)

Accounting (ik ew) - In the beginning I found it difficult, but the more I learnt the easier I found it. Sometimes it's nice just sit and do numbers and nothing super creative.

Non-academic:

Gaming - I love gaming with all my heart. I think I've always been interested in games since I was at least 9 or something. My current favourite game is probably TF2!! I started playing in 2019 and haven't stopped loving it since (although the a lot of the playerbase can be toxic)

Drawing - I'm not the best at drawing, but a sketch now and then always helps me, especially when I want to make a new OC! I also like sketching up outfit ideas for me to try out later. I usually draw fem people, since I'm not that good at drawing masc people :(

Writing - Of course I love writing! I started writing 'x reader' fics when I was on Wattpad then moved to Tumblr!

Playing piano - I'm self-taught so I'm not that good, but I still enjoy playing simple tunes now and then. Last song I was learning was 'I Giorni'. :)

Swimming - I don't take classes, I just enjoy relaxing in the water. Sometimes it's really nice just to immerse yourself in the water and not make a sound, you know?

✚My current fandoms✚

TF2 - I think this is probably my special interest lol. I love TF2 more than anything, if I can relate it to TF2 I probably have tbh-

My fave character is Engie or Demo and my main is Medic!

PAYDAY 2 - Something about shooting things as a team is just rlly fun to me lmao. The OST is genuinely so good if you can't get the game just listen to it pls- I usually am a stealth guy but omg M1 garand yippeeeee- Used to be my hyperfixation lol

My fave character is Sokol or Dallas and my main is Joy (I play Sokol or Dallas sometimes)

Undertale - Probably the first game I actually loved??? It's literally still on my favourite list fr- I would play it again but I did the True Pacifist run and I don't wanna ruin Frisk's life 😭

My fave character is Papyrus!

Star Wars: Clone Wars - It's an amazing show with great characters and visuals! I definitely have it as one of my special interests... It's really interesting to watch the show and see how each season the animation/visuals improve. I wish there was a separate show or smth where the clones actually get a good ending for once... 😭

My favourite character is Fives, Tech or Plo Koon :)

(I literally just found out the graffiti on Plo Koon's ships say 'Plo's Bros' and I can't stop thinking about it)

Lethal Company - I love this little horror game so much! I had a hyperfixation (no longer) to the point I actually made a 67 slide PowerPoint about it... I might have a problem. I like playing it with my friends the most, since I get scared alone really easily!

Republic Commando - Recently got it and I am hyperfixating fr 😭 I love these lil guys so much I sure hope nothing bad happens to them (especially to Scorch and Sev haha) (/s, I know what happens)

My fave character for sure is Scorch :) He's just a silly guy (he has committed several murder-sprees and will continue to do so)

[chryblossomjjk]

I see you and other followers of yours talk about the stressors you face academically while going to college (or University, wherever they happen to be from). I went INTO my degree field immediately after high school graduation (take Dual Enrollment!! - I was able to get statistics, comp 1 and 2, biology, pre-calc, calc, trig, chem 1 and 2, anatomy and physiology, etc) with my AA in 2005 🫣 (I’m old #rip). I was used to group work, but the screeches I let out once I was with other college students… it made me want to rip my hair out. It drove me insane. I was lucky that most of my professors let us grade each other in the group - I did most of the work and was happy to throw some D’s on that b****. I see you all power through and I promise that as long as you all keep working hard, those group projects become easier as upperclassmen because others are serious about graduating with their degree. If you’re comfortable with others, take advantage of SI (supplementary instructions that TA’s usually lead!!) if your university has that service. I have a degree in Criminal Forensics and it only got easier the farther I got into my degree seeking program. You’ve all got this!! I believe in you all! I know it’s taxing mentally and physically, but just like you said, make sure to take care of yourselves. I always kept in mind that if I didn’t know it by 9 pm the night before an exam, I wasn’t going to know it at my 8 am Forensic Anthropology or Advanced Forensic Psychology exams. It helped me de-stress. I am very introverted and an independent learner… sometimes you have to accept that you’re not going to do “well”, but trying is really brave. Please don’t forget that! You’re intelligent!! And strong!!! 💖💖💖 XOXO

i love u so much whoever u are. this comforted my little broken struggling college student heart. thank you so much for sharing your experience!!

i vent about the llege (derogatory) a lot n im sorry if it gets annoying to anyone but maybe not bc then other people come into the inbox and share their experience and its kinda just nice to hear that other people are in the same boat as u. the boat has a huge hole in it and it was made w old decrepit wood that was literally used to build the fucking trojan horse shit looks like plank from ed edd n eddy but atleast we're going down together right ?! :') <3

and thank you so much for sharing the tips! pulling all nighters n still not grasping any of it is sooooooo real !!! and group projects are legit the worst but you're right, each year the groups get a lil better n easier to work with!! this ask legit just cured my eternal need for comfort like the words of encouragement are so sweet and thank you for taking the time to write this!! i love you lots and i hope you degree led you down the most fulfilling path ever bc you deserve it <3

[kpophubb]

back to part II. 2:47am 🌙

Good morning Mia~~ rise N Shine sweetheart

I wish you a happy Tuesday 🥰

eat good and treat yourself kindly

See you flower ❣️ 🌹

~ 🐁

Hahah hello baby 😅🧡 just created an acc to write you a letter too, but OFC ME BEING ME, I forgot the password in a span of a few hours 💔 so I’ll just write you the reply letter here.

ꕺ♡ 💌 : ….𝕿𝖔 𝙼𝚈 нуυηวιη … ꕺ♡

♡….first of all, thank you so much for always leaving the sweetest messages for me to see right when I wake up in the morning. I hope you know I read your asks the first thing in the morning and they always leave me with a huge smile and a great start to the day. 💛

♡… aww thank you for saying that you will be there for me 🥺 I know you will🫶🏻 so don’t worry I’ll ofc run to my anonie if I feel bad ever and rant a lot but like you said, I’ll be okay so don’t worry love. You understand this thing I do, when you’re a people’s person you worry too much and get anxious when you enter a new place, worrying whether you will be able to fit in or not. Whether they’re gonna judge you for what you wear, do, say and whether they’re just gonna get you attached and turn out to be one of those people who always make you feel bitter at the end and leave. :( those are the kind of mixed emotions and fear I’m having now, bc personally speaking I’m really afraid of people irl and can’t maintain any sort of relationship that be friendship, family or romantic. And I’m also worried about my academic performance bc I’m not really talented or smart and struggle a lot with that. But I’ll be okay, cause I’m a strong girl 😤 ik after a few months I’ll be able to adjust and can take care of myself! I love spending time with me and at this point ik my self worth so well and what kind of people to give myself to, so there’s nth to grow afraid about!!

♡…soulmate best friend. Hmm. I can feel you as I always longed for one but at the end always got my heart broken by fake friends. But, I finally found my best friend and we’ve been friends since 4 years already and our understanding level and everything is too good to be true, I already feel like she’s my soulmate bff! 🫶🏻 I love her the most!! So that’s why it’s making me so sad that we’re moving to two different continents entirely and won’t be able to see or talk to eachother as much. Cause you know how hard long distance relationships can be..they fall weak and break over time and closer people replace you. And she’s someone I wouldn’t want to lose at all costs. Ofc I know we’re gonna make time for eachother and try our best to meet and call, but yet..some part of me is so scared it makes me feel super lonely. However, I know one thing for sure now that relationships are really about two things- effort & destiny. If a relationship is supposed to last, no force in the world can tear you away. And if it isn’t, no force can keep you together. Hence, I’ve left it all upto fate and am keeping my fingers crossed that nothing will ever change between us. 💔

♡… AH ANONIE there’s so much I’d love to tell you about myself and I’d love to show you pictures of the places I’ve been to and myself as well but I’m not very comfortable sharing my private life anywhere sadly✋🏻 :( bc our asks can be read by anyone here so..,, I’m hoping one day when we talk in private dms (If we do, no pressure so you can relax) then I’ll send you all the nice stuffs and you can get to know all about me that you want to. 💞

♡… and lol about the skincare! I was using this mask called the Chinese ginseng & rice mask by the body shop? I mostly use Thailand and Korean products on my face lol, they suit me more. (Esp thai products) 😛 I always buy a lot of skincare + body care and invest less in makeup bc makeup doesn’t really suit me much and I don’t like using it a lot. I prefer natural looks more 🫶🏻 what kind of products do you use anonie?? I’m curious!!

♡…about healing anonie. Healing takes time and can be really scary. Sometimes you feel like you take 2 steps forward with everything you’ve got but the next day you withdraw 10 steps backward and feel like you’ve lost it all. It’s okay love. Just hang in there and don’t overthink what’s to come in the future. Life is a cycle of happiness and sadness, if sadness comes so will the happiness and if happiness comes then the sadness is inevitable too. There’s nth to worry cause you can rest assured that if you cry, you will smile again for sure. And I’ll always obviously be here for you and give you my shoulder to cry on and try to cheer you up when you’re down. So you can always rely on me! ❤️

♡… aww you’re so hard working anon🥺 pls take proper rest as you need energy and good sleep and food if you need to work hard! I’m always acknowledging you and am proud of your steps even if they’re as trivial and little as going out of the bed every morning. I love you so much!! I’m not feeling my usual positive and happy self atm as I’m physically sick (period cramps + back pain and stomach aches) and also I seem to be crying and feeling like shit recently due to my period maybe idk but your texts and presence always cheer me up. I love you so much and thank you for everything, my hyunnie 💛

ꕺ♡ ….💌 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝖑𝖔𝖛𝖊 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 ƒєℓιχ 🌤️ ꕺ♥︎

[☁️….𝗹𝗼𝗮𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗮𝗶𝗹𝘆 𝗾𝘂𝗼𝘁𝗲] ⇘

"I thank you for being born, stay." 💛

[kittyoverlord]

This is something close to my heart. I am someone who tried to go for a career in entomology via academia and would have been better going for a zoo employee as a career.

Bugs have always been my special interest, but as a kid no one suspected I was neurodivergent, so I just barreled ahead assuming entomology was going to be my perfect career. Many adults tried to caution me, but never gave me a good enough alternative that both acknowledged my interests and balanced the difficulty of a scientic career.

College did not go well for me. I struggled with serious mental health issues and ended up quitting halfway through junior year. However, even if college had gone well, I think I would have been better served going for a science communication career rather than an research entomologist, which is what I assumed I would be. I even went to one of the few colleges that had an entomology undergrad degree. Some of the work was fun, but a lot of academic entomology is writing scientific papers. Very boring. (for me)

My favorite thing about entomology was learning cool facts and sharing them with other people. The most fun I had was as a volunteer at my local arthropod zoo, sharing insect facts with the public and helping take care of the animals. At that job, the head of the organization had to have an entomology degree, but most everyone else did not need a degree (though having any kind of college degree increases payrates in any job).

I now work in a completely different field - I'm an admin assistant at a public defender's office - and have bugs as hobby. I found once I got into the workforce, admin work was my favorite thing to do on the day-to-day, and working in public service makes me feel fulfilled in my job. These are the things no adult told me to consider when choosing a career, but ended up being more important to me.

There's also an element of: as soon as you turn something you love into a job, there's a risk of it not being fun anymore. This isn't always true, but I've found that I'm more comfortable keeping fun things un-monetized to avoid that potential.

This is just my experience, but I wanted to share bc it's rare to hear of someone else with a similar interest that I may be able to provide some advice on. But everyone is different, and you may have massive success in entomology!

I would just say try to figure out what it is about it you actually like, and be realistic about what different careers in entomology may offer in relation to that.

Is it difficult to become an entemologist? Do you know if any other fields of work with insects that may not require like? A whole degree in it

Just asking for curiosity sake since… bugs are a special interest of mine ahaha

It really depends! There are a lot of possible careers within the entomology field, which have wildly different duties, education requirements, and so on. I think when a lot of people think of entomologists, they think specifically of insect taxonomists, the people who do the work of describing and identifying insect species, and often teasing out the phylogenetic relationships between them. These are usually the people working as curators for museums and large institutional collections. But there are also insect ecologists, medical entomologists, integrated pest management entomologists, forensic entomologists, etc.

The above all generally require advanced degrees, but many of them also need lab or field technicians, which generally don't. Field positions are usually seasonal but I know a lot of people who've been doing seasonal insect collecting work for various agencies for many years and are happy with that life. Entomology museums are pretty much always in need of workers to do the grunt work of sorting, labeling, etc, but they're also in my experience usually short on funds so a lot of people get their foot in the door through volunteering until a paid position opens up.

IDK if any of the at was helpful but it's about as good as I can offer. You might also check my entomolgy tag on this and my more bug-focused blog since I've answered similar questions in the past on both.

[subhumanselflover]

Not a request, just thanks for writing for Guilty Gear. We've spent so long as a small fandom before strive every blog counts. From the bottom of my heart this is great and I hope you keep doing this as long as it makes you happy cause what youre doing is good and your writing is also good and im rambling but yeah, just thanks for writing for guilty gear and have a good night:)

anon you are so sweet i am not going to lie this made me tear up a little. thank you so much for your kind words :’-D i haven’t really done any non-academic writing in a while and so i wanted to get back into fandom writing now that i have a lot more free time, so that and fixating HEAVILY on guilty gear has lead me here. i’m so surprised i didn’t get into it before last year bc it’s such a perfect piece of media for me. i hope to keep writing and to keep getting fun requests <3 thank you again so much for your kind words, i hope you have a lovely night as well and please enjoy any new writing i may put out!!

edit actually one last thing to say: anon i hope every time you bite into a piece of fruit it is so perfectly ripe

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

Hi Ange!!! ✨

Ahh jumping on this game train because this ask game is so cool. Stealing some titles from songs, what would you do for “War of Hearts”, “Don’t Go Insane”, or “Meant to be Yours”? (You can choose one or all, I just couldn’t decide since they all sounded interesting!)

I hope you’ve been well, I feel like I haven’t stopped by in forever 😩 I got really busy all of a sudden, but think of you often!! I got a new job that I’m really nervous but so excited about! I’ve always wanted to be a bartender bc I think they’re so cool, so I’m excited but it’s also a lot especially dealing with people that aren’t always the nicest. But I have terrible terrible social anxiety, so I think it’s kinda helping me work through that in a way even if i’m kinda being thrown into the fire every now and then. 😵‍💫

How are you doing? I hope life has been treating you kindly! And that you’re getting a break every now and then. How is work? Please stay safe and healthy, much much love to you, Ange!! 🩶🩶🩶

-Hannah Montana anon.

Hey, love!

I will pop my response under a cut, as it will be a long one!

For the ask game:

War of Hearts - I'd do an angsty Aemond fic for this one. Aemond is deeply in love with his wife, but goes off to war and in the ensuing chaos, also falls in love with Alys. His wife finds out via correspondence from Daemon and is heartbroken. Aemomd dies before he ever gets a chance to explain that he loved them both and never meant to hurt her. She travels to Harrenhal to seek answers from Alys and the pair learn they aren't enemies, just victims of awful circumstances beyond their control.

Don't Go Insane - I would do an academic rivals Michael Gavey fic for this one - but completely one sided. A girl on Michael's course gets consistently better feedback and marks than him and it makes him irate, as he can't understand why. When he finally decides to confront her about it, she's unaware of who he even is, which annoys him even more.

Meant to Be Yours - I'd do a Tom Bennett fic for this one. Tom is stationed on the HMS Exeter with the boyfriend of a girl he's been sleeping with and is secretly in love with. He has to watch as he receives letters from her, while she's also writing to him too, and him having to listen to her boyfriend talk about how he plans to propose when they return slowly makes him more and more jealous.

That's so exciting about the new job, congratulations! I'm sure you'll do great. I am wishing you all the luck!

This week is kind of a nightmare for me - we have a house inspection tomorrow, so I have been busy preparing for that. I also have to go into the office on Thursday, and we're going on holiday on Sunday, so I feel like I'm watching all of the sand rapidly trickle out of my hourglass. I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed and not enjoying not having any time for myself! Trying to find the time and motivation to write is hard.

Trying to look ahead to the holiday though, and how fun that will be! Plus things will be considerably calmer once we get home.

Sending lots of love to you! Let me know how the new job is going xoxo

[cosmicbrowniefan]

also if you feel like doing more than one set of hcs I am forever and always searching for platonic/qpr madwheeler crumbs 🙏🏼 🕯

beck, of course i'll do platonic madwheeler headcanons for you. after the contributions you've given to the fandom today, or at the very least, the strange chaos you've caused, you deserve this.

i think that max and mike have very similar food opinions and they kind of hate it? like why tf are you copying me??

but also it's validating to have someone that they can count on to agree with them

i think they both like those coconut macaroon cookies

they're the only ones who like them btw

but if they ever have differing food opinions?

all hell breaks loose

bc neither of them is wrong. they're just not.

for example, mike likes candy corn. max. does not.

also

i don't think either of them will admit it, but once mike starts growing his hair out, max helps teach him how to style it

also when he starts wearing eyeliner and painting his nails, she does that for him too

because he doesn't have a steady enough hand to handle that shit

we all know the party has a bunch of different mini sub-divisions that have sleepovers all the time and everything

but i think mike and max have literally scheduled to have a sleepover with each other at least once a month

because to both of them, the other is just the best possible person to vent to and blow off steam with, and they make sure to have a scheduled time for that so they can get their emotions out in a healthy way

of course they end up having sleepovers and venting more than once a month most of the time, but they just always keep that standard to make sure they have a set aside time for it

they go to break rooms together

(places where they give you safety goggles and just let you smash stuff, not sure if that's just an america thing or if they have those everywhere)

breaking stuff is just so therapeutic to both of them

also they do that tiktok trend where you write things on a plate and then you smash it

and max braids mike's hair when he's stressed and venting a lot of the time

he leans back into her lap while she does it and he just explodes with his feelings

but enough with them venting all the time, let's talk more positive things

both max and mike are INCREDIBLY intelligent

they're actually the dream team for group projects and things like that

everyone wants them in their group

even though you might think they'd argue over ideas, they really have the same ideas and opinions when it comes to academics

also they go christmas shopping for their boyfriends together!!

will and lucas also go shopping for max and mike together hehe

i have a hc too that max and mike are disney channel original movie junkies

they know the lyrics to every fucking movie under the sun, and can act out full on musical numbers just the two of them

they entered their school talent show together with "can't stop singing" from teen beach movie

they learned to tap dance for it.

so we know mike doesn't like getting his picture taken (unless he's in a picture with will), and max sees that

but she thinks mike has a great smile and she wants him to know that and understand that

so she gets a polaroid camera for the two of them to share and they take candids of themselves and their friends all the time

and max shows each picture to mike and tells him that, no matter how chaotic the picture is, it's beautiful because their friends are together and the pictures show so much joy

mike still doesn't LOVE having his picture taken, but he appreciates it a lot more now, and smiles for pictures more often

they both have just. the biggest hearts

and they both want to act in the best interest of others which is why they get in fights sometimes but i think they can actually talk it out and realize that they both want the same thing

their communication definitely gets better the older they get and their relationship gets stronger every day <3

i hope you enjoy @tntozier :)

[hausofmamadas]

so like i've joked about it before sksks but this reblog.... i coould be wrong now, but i'm fairly fucking certain this is the first reblog that is actually as long as the fic

It gives you different markers now, different structures to shape the friendship around.

Okay I am already loving the establishment of the history, the length of the relationship and then how that’s changed as they’ve grown older cause really it would be so hard to stay friends with someone who has maybe a bit of a Peter Pan complex only with more coke involved sjsjsjsjsjsj

Simple. There you were, there he was. Now, you have to pencil him in like any other obligation.

I cant remember exactly what you said but you actually complimented me on something like this at one point?? And you called it something academic and literary and fancy that I can’t remember rn bc I know nothing of nothing and you have a whole ass master’s degree in the thing but like the simplicity of the language and sentence structure here makes this so much more powerful. Like I’m always trying to condense what I write bc I feel like I’m way too wordy and there are times where it really just s l a p s so much fucking harder to state something plainly

He isn’t an obligation. You try not to let him feel like one.

OHHHHHHHHH MY THIS IS JUST 🥺🥺🥺 BUT THEN ALSO THE CONTRADICTIINS OF LIKE THEY JUST SAID HES BECOME LIKE ANY OTHER OBLIGATION EVEN THO THEY DONT WANT HIM TO BE OR DONT WANT TO THINK OF HIM THAT WAY AT LEAST LIKE UUGH MY HEART ALREADY

‘Finally,’ is how he greets you, when you see him at last.

STORITTOTPPPPPPPPO MY TINY GRINCH HEART CANNOT CAAAANNOT TAKE IT, JUST HOW RAFA THIS REALLY FUCKING IS. LIKE I CAN HEAR IT SO PERFECTLY “por fin” im crying

He doesn’t comment on the mess, the mismatched furniture, the dishes, the piles of books and paints across the dining table.

SKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSJS the prospect of Rafa like crashing at your place for a visit and criticizing the furniture is so funny to me bc he wouldn’t bc literallt sksksks the man does not have a single leg to stand on when it comes to decor KEKW

‘Dios mio,’ you laugh, ‘you actually did it, Rafi.’

OKAY ON MY LIIIIIIIIIFE, RAFI???? RAFI. MY MIND IS BROKEN. ITS THE SWEETEST NICKNAME. IDK HOW NO ONE EVER CALLED HIM THAT ON THE SHOW. I LOVE IT IDK WHY BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH

‘I thought you’d smoke too many of the samples and forget what you were doing, tonto.’

SCREAMINSSKKS bc this is 100% what I’d personally expect him to do too although he was a lot more disciplined in the beginning with that sort of shit but you know he was baked out of his gourd on the regular stillskskss

He’s explained the idea enough times already, but it never sticks, it doesn’t connect in you, the way it does for him. It’s in one ear, out the other. He’s always been for it, science, statistics, experiments and the answers beneath…

Just copy/pasting this entire ass paragraph who among us thinks this’ll be the last I do that in this post? No one? Good you know me well sksks but I feel like this is so fucking accurate and also something that’s so easy to forget in light of how he turns out by the end of the show. Like he’s kind of a fucking botanical whiz?? Even Neto was like, “tf? This kid’s a genius?” in the pilot ep. Like bc he succumbs to addiction, it’s easy to forget what an actual big deal it was, creating a new fucking cash crop essentially, so I love the focus on that from the get, es como que… a veces, él está siendo estupido pero no es estupido, si me sientes

His free hand goes into his jean pocket, retrieving the tin that’s never far from his person. It’s made of a rusty, scratched copper, held together with a loose elastic band.

Okay but whyyyyyttttttt does the idea of Rafa carrying a little fucking tin of bud around at all times the most correct thing in my actual life

You hum, acknowledging without really listening, and flip open his tin.

KSSKSKSKKS NO CRYYYYING BC TBIS IS EXACTLY HOW I WOULD RESPOND just like “este wey🙄can I just try the shits instead of you reciting a whole Wikipedia (encyclopedia?) page about the thing”

Rafa laughs, pinching the sound short by biting into his lip. Then he shrugs. ‘What? I had to. I still brought you some, didn’t I?’

KAKSKSKS I HAD TO, OH REALLYRAFA, WAS IT A MORAL IMPERATIVE THAT YKU GET BAKED OUT OF YOUR GOURD ON YOUR OWN NEW SUPERSTRAIN OF WEEDJSKSKSJ ESO ES LO QUE TE DIJERON LOS DIOSES DE MOTA??

A purpose, he must think, direction at last. ‘My job,’ he says proudly, ‘is to make sure the product is good.’

suuuuuuure yes, sure go ahead and lob this brick at my fucking chest with “a purpose … a direction at last” bc I swear this man does not do well with idle hands, like part of the reason for his breakdown is the fact that he’s literally given nothing else to fucking do. And this is where I’m like, sure Miguel is smart for putting the whole thing together but being top dog means you gotta be at least a leeeeeeeeeetle bit of a ppl person. Like if he’d made Rafa feel like he had some kind of purpose way earlier when he started makin moves with the Colombians, shit prolllllyyy wouldn’t have gone quite as sideways but also tf do I know about running a cartel actually

You smile, infected by him, by the excitement glowing off of him.

STRRRRRTTTIOOOOPPP NO BC a) I KNOW THE EXACT FUCKING SMILE… it’s this smile

and b) I feel like this is a quality universally acknowledged in almost every rafa fic I’ve ever read that his smile is literally like the most blinding shot of earnestness and joy, you literally cannot say no to whatever pendejadas he’s proposing. even María on her worst day couldn’t resist it sksksksks

Scared to admit the dream aloud. ‘Si, es solo el comienzo, sabes?’

NO OKAYSSKSSKSN I AM BANGING A GAVEL AND CALLONG EVERYONE ALL 2 OF US BC IMJUSTSOSORRY I have given this so much thought, like the essence, the thesis for Rafa is that this mf is at his core, a d r e a m e r like embedded in his identity. So like having something to aspire to, beyond the like cock solid ngl this was supposed to say rock solid but i had to let the greatest typo of all time ride sksks freebase hit of power that Miguel’s constantly simping after, is a fucking necessity for this man. He doesn’t know who he is if he doesn’t have some kind of dream so I love that you included that here

You put the joint between your lips and hold out a hand. ‘Pues,’ you prompt, ‘give me a light. Let me see the future.’

OHSSHUUUUUUTTHEFUCKINGFRONTDOOR WITH THIS SLICK ASF DIALOGUE, OH IM MAD, IM MAD MAD MAD, IM SHOOTING SPITBALLS AT YOU FROM A STRAW RN, BC THAT LINE IS SOOOSKSKSJWJWB SM LRKENE GOTDAMN INSPIRED AND I HATE YOU FOR IT (cariñoso por supuesto)

Says something else about soil, earth, plants and lying scientists, fucking lying scientists. You blink against the dark, push the heel of your free palm into your eye sockets.

Sksssscreeching at “fuckint lying scientists” bc ppl legit don’t understand that the scientific method is a way of testing hypotheses that we DONT KNOW ARE CORRECT YET LIKE FFS YOURE TRTING TO SEE IF IT’S RIGHT OR WRONG so the minute a scientist gives any kind of answer tangentially resembling “I don’t know,” people start flipping tables over and screaminfksksks and Rafa is one of those ppl despite his raw intelligence. BUT THEN SKSKSKSKS THE WHOLE HEEL OF YOUR PALM INTO YOUR EYE SOCKETSSSJSJS I’m both marveling at the simple yet so-vivid description of this action bc i can see it SOO clearly and also choking bc anyone who’s ever dealt with a Big Sad Rafa, you know for a fucking fact they’ve done this exact thing at least once literally fuckinsksksks Miguel, as much as I hate him and much of this is largely of his own making, he has rightfully done this exact thing like 20 times in the show like if I had the time, I’d straight make a gif of the exact scene I’m thinking of sksk

He isn’t there to look at, but you pretend that he is. Imagine him sitting at the end of your bed, head in his hands, tears streaking down his cheeks. If he was, you’d reach a hand out. Run it along the ridge of his spine and watch him decompress. It’s easier to know what to say to him when you have him there, like that. Even just in your head.

Alright sksksksjjs here tf we go with the first full-ass paragraph but I literally????? do not even know what to do?? or who I am??? or where to begin?? bc likeGODDDDD okay, the sentiment of this entire paragraph is just so??? it just smacks of like Reader trying to protect themselves from their own mind by like leaning into this hypothetical scenario wherein Rafa is not full fuckint mess that they know he damn well is but THEN as if that wasn’t enough, you had to throw in this interesting dynamic where like they have to relate to Real Rafa by retreating into this part of their brain that they keep Ideal Rafa like all the best parts of him concentrated in one spot so they don’t forget the more he loses himself AND UFH SISKSKSKD ITS JUET SO FUCKING SENSIBLE AND SAD AND IM SHAKING MY FIST INTO THE SKY FULLY GET-OFF-MY-LAWN-YOU-VARMINTS, BOOMER GRANDPA

You hear a thunk in you ear like he’s struck the handset against the nearest wall. He has, no doubt, but it holds. The call stays connected and buzzing in your palm.

Soryajsjsjsjsj bc all im thinking about is that one part where he chucks that gold phone from the second floor and it shatters into a million pieces and liksksksksks I bet they had to have like some kind of warehouse of spare phones, aksksks maybe it’s at the Arellano warehouse or like some contingency built in the budget for spare phones bc Rafa’s decimated so many of themsksksks i imagine it’s a contingency budget similar to like movie sets have for props like sunglasses n shit

The Rafa on the end of your bed is pacing now, stood up and tracing lines into your floorboards. Moving helps him think, it always has, the motion forces the idea to catch and roar into life, like starting an engine.

OHHHHHHH I WWSSKSKSKS AWEAR TO FUCKING CHRIST HERSELFFDDFDDDD I COULD ACTUALLY STRANGLE YOU WITH LOVE I FULLY FUCKINT DONT EVNA GOD.

I literally had to get up and walk around for a second so I could fucking regain my composure and figure out how tf to say how this made me feel. Like the mental image of him tracing lines in the floorboard, mulling it over but that it’s like a fuckimxksjsjwjwjwnw visual exercise for Reader to figure out what to say, how to help him. Like there’s a deep thread of longing in that but it’s really fucking singular in nature to their dynamic specifically bc there’s an element of codependence mixed with self awareness almost??? Like the fact that they kinda need him to be okay for them to be okay and they’re usually this memory palace visualization sksjsjsjssidoaospwondsjsjnwjq to make him oka— Look. Listen. What I’m saying is just ….. ogres are like onions, okay. LAYERS BABY, LAYERRRRRRSSSSSS

You can hear it connect, weirdly, in the silence that follows. Hear the gears click, the brain turn.

NO STOPPS SKSKS I AM CHOKING BC IM JUST PICTURING HIS EXPRESSION AS FULL :WOAHDEEBY: BUT RAFAFIED and by godddkskdkkss it’s making me laugh so fucking hard to the point of hyperventilation, like that laugh with no sound. No sjsjsjs the more I’m thinking about it the more I cannot stooooospkdk fucking laughing

He takes a breath that stills his lungs properly this time, rather than stuffing them with desperate, needed air, then says your name like you’re a genius. Like you’re him.

LIKE YOURE HIM 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 OH WHY MUST YOY ATTACK ME WITH SOMETHINT SO BEAUTIFUL AND TOUCHING I already need a lung transplant from the laughing at this point, why must we continue to deal this damage to my person

‘Don’t kill yourself, tonto.’ Don’t blow yourself to pieces for the sake of water, for the sake of Miguel and his precious sinsemilla.

HOOOOO HOO HOO GUURRRRRRR the not-so-undercover shade👀👀 and resentment👀👀 towards Miguel that is packed into this Mf has got me so 👀 bc what does Reader know. How does Reader have his number so soon am I latching onto this thing that prob means nothing and reading too much into it…. don’t answer that…… probably

He laughs down the line. ‘I’m dead either way, friend. Better I go with a bang.’

GODDDD WHEN I THINK ABOUT WAHT THIS IS IN SOANISHSSISKEK ITS SO FUCKINT DEAD ON RAFA

Me chingue sea como sea, carnal. Pues mejor salir con una 💥 bang.

Imjustsosoryyyysjsjsjsjd it could come right from a script for one of the episodes

You walk through his home like a guest, not a friend. You merge with the walls the way the staff does.

OH SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY THIS FUCKINTGGGGGGG KNOCKED ME ON MY ASS TF

He could find a job for you, he says. You could sit by his pool and earn money like it grows, right there, in the flowerbeds. You could live like he does, if you wanted.No, Rafi, I like what’s mine. I like the quiet.

OH NO, GOOD, SO THENS THENNNNNNNNNNNNNN YOU JUST HAAAAAAAD TO GO AND ASSAULT ME WITH “I like what’s mine. I like the quiet” BC THIS IS THE STICKING POINT RIGHT TF HERE, THIS IS THE REASON THE WHOLE THING IS FUCKING DOOMED and tbh, it’s extra fucked with double-anchovies on top bc the fact of the matter is, the quiet would actually be better for Rafa but what he wants and what’s good for him literallyyyyyyy never fucking overlap. But like this was all I could think about when I was writing him, was like …. man, maybe it’s better to leave some things as just dreams ksksksns at least for our pobre Rafitito

You touch the fabric just to feel it. You’d never owned anything this smooth, this well made.

there’s always the most mundane of moments in every readerfic that make me go “oh maaaaan, me too, homie” sksks this is that moment

There’s white under his nostrils, you haven’t missed that, but you haven’t commented on it, either. At least he smells of smoke as well. At least he’s balancing it out.

NOOOOOOSKSKSKSKSKS NO YOU DID NOT JUST DO THE RATIONALIZATION OF HARDCORE DRUGS WITH AT LEAST MANS IS BALANCING HIS UPPERS AND DOWNERS I AN FUCKING SIDJRJRJDJDJD I AM CHOKING, SEIZING, CANNOT BREATHE, HAVING AN ANEURYSM SKSKSK

He hasn’t even noticed your reaction yet. ‘She didn’t take me seriously,’ he says, ‘last time. She made fun of my clothes.’

The way my heart just grew to thrice his size just remembering our pobrecito trying to dance with Sofia literally shouting over the music, “no soy un pinshe mesero” SKSKSK and then pouting on his way back to the table when she still wouldn’t give him the time of day which let’s be real, Sofia was fully trolling all of us including her fucking self bc mija, imjustsosorry that Rafa was wearing the fucking a dopest shirt I’ve ever seen in that scene, like that one is bar none my favorite of all of his shirts on the show i truly believe Ramon was inspired by Rafa to up his shirt game, no one will fucking convince me otherwise

You let him continue. Your brain is still trying to scramble to the point where any of this makes sense.‘Her father is el Secretario de Educacion.’ He sighs. His hands go to his hips. ‘I want to impress her.’A new project, you realise, that’s what he’s found. Something he can’t have, something impossible. Something to solve.

SKSKSKSKSKKDLFJKSLDKJFA TRYING TO SCRAMBLE TO THE POINT WHERE ANY OF THIS MAKES SENSE IDK WHY SKKSS BUT I AM CRYING SO HARD RNsksksksks bc like for some reason this line specifically made me think of liek Reader’s brain is a Magic 8 Ball and they’re shaking it to get some kind of answer within the realm of clarity only their Magic 8 Brain keeps coming up with those annoying, cryptic, noncommittal answers like “reply hazy, try again” or “concentrate and ask again” akskskskks and the mental image in the context of like what we as viewers know what’s going to happen which is a faked kidnapping attempt of this well-known politician’s daughter and like the logic of that entire fucking shitshow is actually fully sending me in a way I have never been sent before. BUT THENENNNNN SKSKS as if being sent further than I’ve been sent before isn’t enough, I literally skdfsjdkf am so goddamn WOAHDEEBY to the fucking max at “A new project … that’s what he’s found. Something he can’t have, something impossible” bc I have never, ever, ever considered in those exact terms but that does completely fit with my whole hc of Rafa as an interminable dreamer till his last days bc there’s an element of dreams that are unattainable and like he becomes restless when he doesn’t have something too look forward to or reach or whatever and aasbaopsdfhaoisdjhf;a now i’m just fucking babbling like I’ve taken too much of my ADHD medication joke’s on you, I haven’t….this is just what straight ADHD is but like goddddd the thought put into his psyche, I’m just tipping my hat off, that’s what the fuck I’m trying to say

He’s always worn what he liked, always put himself to the world exactly as he is, no apology, no polish. Just him, wild as he came.

NOOOOSDKFJALKSJDF;LAKJSD FK;SHFASJD F;ALKSJ WHY TF AM I ACTUALLLY SALIVATING AT “NO APOLOGY, NO POLISH. JUST HIM, WILD AS HE CAME.” LIKE HWY IS THAT ACCIDENTALLY THE HOTTETST DESCRIPTION OF THIS CHAOTIC MF THAT I’VE EVER, EVER, EVER READ IN ALL OF MY TWENTY EIGHT YEARS ON THIS FUCKING PLANET

‘Is she worth all this?’ You point at them lazily. ‘How much did this cost you, tonto?’ ‘You sound jealous,’ he says, smiling, trying to pass it off as a joke.

in every fucking friends to lovers situation, there comes that moment where my face goes to SpongeBob “you like krabby patties,” and you guys, we are here skskdfjskdjfks we’ve arrived only BOTH RAFA AND I ARE “YOU LIKE KRAAAABBY PATTIIIIEEEESSSS”

And you’re jealous of Sofia, too. You wish you weren’t but you are. It creeps up to you, the longer you stand here, it crawls up your trouser legs, into your ears along with her name. She caught his eyes, his heart. You got the brain and everything else, but she has a part of him that he never shared with you. Never tried to.

NO. NO. EVERYONE I AM– I LITERALLY– I CANNOT– I AM INCOHERENT FUCKING INCOHERENT, DO YOU UNDERSTAND??? MY CIRCUITS ARE FUCKINIIIIIIIINGNNSDKFJSLDJF SCRAMBLED BY THE DEEP LONGING, SORROW, RESENTMENT, HOW VISCERAL THIS IS, THE IMAGERY, I’M KISSING YOU ON BOTH CHEEKS LIKE I’M ITALIAN, I’M PUNCHING YOU IN THE THROAT, I’M THROWING THINGS, I’M THAT MEME OF ALL THOSE GAJILLION SPONGEBOBS RUNNING AROUND WITH ALL THE FILE CABINETS ON FIRE, I’M IN A BALL, IN THE FETAL POSITION, ON THE FLOOR, UGLY CRYING AND ASKING SOMEONE TO HELP ME SKSKKSKSK bc even though it’s not explicitly stated, the way this sooooooojust smacks of like….. like he’s always sort of been there, available sometimes too emotionally available sksksk bc it’s Rafa sksks mans is a mess. Mans probably needs a wife and a mom and a teacher and a housekeeper and a camp counselor all in one for a partner to feel emotionally secure in anyway sksk Reader is like 4/5 at this point and bc he’s always been there, no action is taken to ever change the dynamic of the relationship despite the clear allusions to Reader’s desire to maybe do so and allusions to Reader’s very wise and responsible choice of self-preservation over a passionate love affair with a coke-addled botanic genius man-baby who reports to an even larger man-baby only that one is uptight and duplicitous asf but now that the opportunity to change the dynamic is taken away, Reader is left just like, “fuck. missed my chance and like that’s probably more a good than a bad thing but fuck if I’m not still gonna feel butthurt about it”

That’s how he is. Passionate. He fixates, he works, he wins. Loves with a tunnel vision that you’ll never understand.

GODDDDDDLKSJDKF THE WAY YOU HAVE JUST THOUGHT THIS MF THROUGH, NAILED HIM DOWN TO A T, AND IT FUCKING SHOWS IN MOMENTS LIKE THIS. Also loving the tone of like……. Admiration? Of his steadfastness in all things? And simultaneous like lamenting that quality at the same time bc like sksksaklsdkfal we all know the shitshow that arises from Rafa just running shit into the ground with the force of a comet that only passes the Earth every 200 years or whateverlskdsk

‘She won’t care, Rafa. Eres guapo. Te ves rico.’ And that’s what they like, girls like her. That’s what matters. ‘You be good to her, okay? Treat her right. She’s not someone you should mess around.’

I can’t determine if the warning here is like, “Rafa don’t be a psycho, druggie piece of shit to this poor girl who has no idea what she’s getting herself into plot twist: she does and she’s worse than he is ksksksksk or if it’s liiiiiike, “please don’t do anything to bring the wrath of the government upon yourself by treating this politician’s daughter badly” sksksk or both??? Like if it’s the first one, idk why that warms me to Reader like makes me think “what a homie” bc I stan tf out of a character that can set their jealousy aside long enough to humanize the person who’s the object of their envy and also like fuck it, all men are garbage. All non-cis-men unite, gotta have each other’s backs sksksk and like if it’s the second one, I’m screamingskskdjksjfdks bc Rafa’s gonna do everything that is the antithesis of careful and is absolutely going to incur the wrath of the PRI, that’s literally the entire plot of the second half of S1 skskksksskks

How little it became about himself, or what he wanted. How close he’d stumbled to the edge without you waiting a step behind.

UGHHSHDHFLSJHDFLSKJDFKLAJ;SLKDJFA;LKJSDF;LAKJSD;FKLJ A;SLDKJF;ALSJD F;LAJSD F;LAJ WITHOUT YOU WAITING A STEP BEHIND, I’M FUCKING SKDFJSLKDJFLSK SICK TO MY STOMACH, SICK AND CRYING AND ROCKING BACK AND FORTH, SENDING OUT SOS SMOKE SIGNALS BC I DO NEED MENTAL HELP AS MUCH AS DEAR RAFA

You didn’t ask, he didn’t tell, so you lived through the whispers of him. Maybe it’s time, you thought, maybe he’s outgrown you at last. Maybe this is the part where you don’t play catch up.

Dopedopedopedopedopedopedopedopedopedopedope sosososososos just so fucking dope that you just continuously feel the need to pummel me in the fucking face, line by line, you were literally typing this being like, “how do I personally commit terrorisms across the Atlantic to my df, dear friend, Kay. Ohhhhhsdkfjsldkfjslkdj we’ll do this, just fucking torpedo of sadness after torpedo of sadness in the most poetic and touching way I can think of muhahahahhahahahah” don’t even try to deny it I already checked my secret cameras, and I have the receipts, transcripts, all on tape of you talking out loud, planning this brutal personal attack on me and like if I wasn’t presently undead, I’d be giving you a round of applause bc your plan worked perfectly

Snipped ties worse than you had, ones with actual weight. Purpose. Structure that couldn’t afford to be pulled from under him.

slides glasses down bridge of nose and smiles diabolically oh??????? Gorl????? Dramatic irony? is that you I see hiding behind that bush?????? waiting to ambush me as I mind my own fucking business as if I’ve ever minded my own business on my morning walk???? as if I’ve ever taken a morning walksksk it’s fine well, too bad bitch, cause I spotted your sneaky ass before you got the chance to ruin me lies, I’m still ruined bc the fact that Reader understands to some degree their importance to Rafa but at the same time discredit the structure they, themself(?) themselves(?) have been providing throughout their entire friendship but ranks that structure as having lesser value when it’s almost like … if they’d stuck around or been involved in the business directly, so they were more tied to him on a day-to-day basis, would their influence have maybe changed the outcome bc they did provide structure? Who can say. Im sure this makes absolutely negative amounts of sense but I just thought it was intriiiiiiguing

So now he was off the coke, too. Cold turkey and rotting from it.

GOOOOODDDDDDDD THE JUST FULLY JUGGERNAUT ME BETWEEN THE EYES AND KNOCK ME ON MY ASS WHY DONT YOU. LIKE I READ THIS SHIT AND IMMEDIATELY WANTED TO START WRITING MYSELF, SO INSPIRED SDSFSLKDFJLS SHIT SLAPT!!!!! and likiiiiiike we don’t need to get into it, I will just say from my hoodrat days, that is a ROUGH fucking comedownskksksksk

They’ve shut him in like a beast, oiled mahogany set firmly between them and him, him and you.

ASDLKJFA;LSDJF AOKAAYY AGAIN FUCKING JUST SLAMMING ME LEFT AND RIGHT, I’M LIKE NOT EVEN A WHOLE PERSON ANYMORE AT THIS POINT??????A?SD?FA?SD?FA “they’ve shut him in like a beast” like the whole lore of the Wolf Man could be altogether one giant allegory for detox because like low-key that’s what it looks and feels like. It is messy, it is violent, it is agonizing to endure and/or watch and something about the way you’ve put that with the imagery of what the room looks like, just gave me such fucking Wolf Man vibes, gave me actual fucking goosebumps te lo juro

It’s a den, a cage. Distress that’s been played out and abandoned afterwards.

AND WOLFMAN VIIIIIBES PERSIST ALONG WITH THE CONTINUED, CEASELESS, PERSISTENT DAMAGE THAT KEEP DEALING TO ME LIKE THE MOST VINDICTIVE DUNGEON MASTER LIKE DAMN, I’M AT NEGATIVE HIT POINTS, CAN’T KEEP FUCKING DOIN THIS SHIT DO YOU UNDERSTAANLDFJALKSDJFA;LKJSDF;ALK

…more of a wet room than the stylised bathroom it was designed to be. Like walking into the overused swamp of a public swimming pool.

Oh MAAAANANNNN this is such a fucking doozy of a description, like it’s so tangible, I’m fucking there, I’m there and my hair is frizzy and I’m annoyed and i’m also applauding the skill skskksksk

‘It’s me,’ you say, louder now. His head lifts weakly. ‘Sofia?’ No, not her, only you.

OH GOOD GOTDAAAAMNNNNFNSKLDFJS DUDE NO EVERYONE, EVERYONE SIT TF DOWN AND SHUT TF UP BC THIS IS LIKE????????? I DON’T???????? EVEN KNOW HOW ALSDKFJALSKDJF;ALJ OHOW TO ADEQUATELY EXPRESS THE WAY THIS MADE ME FEELL?????????????????????? Like …. There’s something like a declaration, the way Reader says, “no, not her, only you.” Like I depending on how you read it, it could be like sadness, lamentation, feelings of inadequacy which would totally make sense to me, but for some reason, the way I read it was like, “no, not her, only you” as in “yeah, me. The one who’s been here for you every time you’ve needed it, while the rest of the world was spinning, iwas the only one still and waiting, and now you’re here and so am i” and idk if that’s even the most accurate interpretation of that but GOOOODDAAAAAMMMMMMMMNNNNN WHEN I SAY I CLUTCHED MY CHEST AND KEELED OVER LIKE SOMEONE IN ONE OF THOSE LIFE ALERT COMMERCIALS

You don’t know enough about withdrawals to know if it’s normal. If he’s supposed to look like this, if it’s part of the process. You don’t know if it’s even the drugs at all, but you know him, and you know this is bad for him. Lights off in the fucking dark.

Okay first off, “lights off in the fucking dark,” :lebrontear: bc jfc the way I felt this straight to the core of my soul and secondly…… with how much cocaine Rafa was doing especially the coke in the 80s which was usually more pure, cut with less nonsense, so a lot stronger this is….p normal skdkskksksk

What if this is him now? What if this is what happened while you were away, and it’s set too deep to be undone?

What if this is me now … a disassmbled pile of bones, like I was one of those lego people and someone just pulled me apart and left me in tiny pieces on the floor just waiting for some unsuspecting adult to step on me, causing shooting pain into their foot like they’ve just stepped on actual shards of glass bc you apparently decided you just had to fucking disassemble? Idk what I did to make you hurt me so but I’m literally worse off than Rafa at this point so great, hope you’re happy

‘I miss you,’ he says, in the same way. Desperate, quick, like he’s only got a few words left to give. ‘You know that, right? I miss you, too.’

LITEREALLLLYYYYFSLDKFJA;LSDKJF;ALKSDJF;LAKJSDF;LAKJSD;FLKJA;SLDIJF ATHIS HAS TO FUCKING STOP, THIS IS BECOMING A FUCKING WAR CRIME AT THIS POINT, A VIOLATION OF THE UNITED NATIONS’ STANDARDS OF VIRTUAL ENGAGEMENT WITH FOREIGN COUNTRIES that sounds even less real than I thought it wouldsks

Pounding on your door and peppering the button until the bell can’t complete a full ring anymore. It just spits out one shrill note, over and over.

Okyaskfjalskdjfa;lskjd;flajsd; okayokayokay bc here’s that time where I whip out my detective notepad and tiny glasses and begin feverishly jotting down notes skskskks bc I’m internally I guess it’s not so internal given this is going on the inter webs for my -3 followers to see FUCKING SHRIEKING AT THE LITERARY GENIUS THAT I MUST SOMEHOW FIND A WAY TO ABSORB THROUGH OSMOSIS AND HARNESS FOR MYSELF TO LEVEL UP MY OWN SHIT SKSKSKSKSKKSKS and I’m gonna call this specific Skill You Have, “Naming and/or Describing Stuff That I’ve Seen/Heard A Million Times irl In the Most Unique and Poetic Way Possible” like the doorbell, if you asked me to sit down and fucking describe what that sounds like, I would literally just be

BUT HTENSKDFJSKDFJ THEN READ THIS, it’s one of those moments where I’m like “oh that’s so spot-on, how could I not summon those words, that’s so fucking clever”

Rushed to your door with an urgency you can’t grasp onto yet; it slips through your fingers, like him, like what you had. Scatters in the hallway like dropped ball-bearings. You can’t catch him like you used to.

throws chair violently like that one Jon Bernthal Punisher gif that’s it. I’m fucking done. I’m done????? Do you understand???? I’m done. I will not continue to SIT IDLY BY WHILE YOU CONTINUE TO ABUSE ME THIS WAY, ESTA NO ES LA FORMA DE TRATARA UNA CAMARADA, OKEYYYYYYYYY???

‘Have you actually stopped to think? I have a job, Rafa, a life. I’m not involved in your,’ your search for the word, the title of all his erratic decisions: adventures, war, ‘bullshit.’ Yeah, that fits.

Skskskkskskskks i have no idea why, maybe bc Reader has fucking HAD it and it’s so sarcastic and fucking over-this-shit, but I did start reading the end of this in Spanishsksksksk “Aventuras, guerra, ‘pendejadas.’ Aye, se queda bien”

‘Have you planned any part of this, or did you do too much coke and come here on a whim?’ you ask evenly. You’re not judging him, but you have to know. Fear or drugs. It’s one of the two. You stare at him afterwards, waiting for an answer.

FEAR OR DRUGSSDKFSLDKJFLSKJDF WHY DID THAT MAKE ME m CACKLE SO HARRDDD IT’S LIKE NOT THAT FUNNY BUT IT IS BC LIKE MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS “por que no los dos??”

‘Well, yeah. It’s all paid for, carnale.’ You scoff. ‘You only have to get on the plane.’

NASODFA;SDLKFJA;SKJDF NO I AMMMASDFKAL HAVING A FUCKING ANEURYSM LAUGHING SO HARD SKDFJSLDKFJ AT ATHIS ;DFJGUCKING SHIT. LIKE RAFA. RAFAAAAAA. AMORCITO, CHIQUITO. THE COST OF THE PLANE TICKETS AND THE OBSCENELY EXTRAVAGANT RESORT YOU’RE STAYING AT IS SO FAR FROM TEH FUCKING POINT I’M SHOCKED THAT YOU EVEN MADE IT TO THE HOUSE WITH A SHIRT ON BC CLEARLY YOUR MENTAL FACULTIES ARE SO BACK ASSWARDS BUT ALSO LIKE SKSJDKSJKSKA THIS IS COREECT LIKE HE WAS THIS ABSURD

‘She wants to come with me,’ he answers. ‘And I want you to come too, once it’s safe.’

Rafa trying to make his throuple dreams come true, only I’m pretty sure once Reader and Sofia arrive on the island, only one of them is leaving the island bc homicide has occurred bc they are so beyond opposites, they couldn’t last more than a week without one murdering the other sksksk

But what are you even agreeing to? What does he need you for, when he’d have Sofia with him already? Why would you go if he was going to— ‘You aren’t coming back, are you?’

CUE ME SKDJFLSJK WOAHDEEBY RIGHT ALONG WITH READER, LIKE OFC SKSKSKKS HE’S TRYING TO PACK ALL HIS FAVORITE TOYS IN HIS SUITCASE CAUSE HE RAELLY IS NEVER COMING BACK

One final time, you could show out for him just one final time, and then put it to bed. No more friendship, no more relying on you to pile up the bricks again. If he can’t come home afterwards, then you will, alone, and he’ll be free to take on the world. All by himself. Just as he wanted to.

Sorry sddlfja;sdkjf;a bc no, I just have to make this shit about me always, at all times, everywhere, this. shit. This reminds me so much of the Rafa/María thingy I did, like clean slate, getting to take on the world, except it’s fucked bc he’s not sober. Like yeah, my Rafa was cracked in the head bc he’d been cracked in the head a great many times sdkksjdfklsdj but your Rafa, this Rafa, is spun tf out on coke, desperate, and running for his life sldkfjsklj like the hope at the end of my story isn’t here, and it’s making my stomach AND MY CHEST HURT BC I KNOW THIS IS ALL GOING TO END IN A BALL OF FLAMES

A laugh you don’t like twitches out of him; he isn’t taking it seriously. He doesn’t realise how easy it is to fall yet, how close he is to the sun.

FUUUUCKKSJFDSLFKJSL describing his laugh as TWITCHING OUT OF HIM is like so on-point for a tweaker like Rafa, I can see it and it’s making me cringe and I’m also scribbling in my detective’s notepad and crying to myself, and swearing bc the tears keep smearing the ink and I keep having to scratch out the diligent notes I’m trying to take on the art of writing that you’re teaching me

He’s never been nobody anywhere. Even before all this shit.

SKDFJAL;SDKJF;ASDKJF;A NO BC JUST THE MOST POETIC FUCKING WAY TO SAY “HE’S A HAM AND A HALF”

‘And then I’ll come home,’ you add. He’s already talking like he’s forgotten, like he thinks you’ll follow him across the globe, one step behind as always.

GODDD he’s like willfully not hearing Reader bc he can’t conceive of the notion of like them not being there, or him getting caught, or both, is like the most heartbreaking thing and the way Reader has to gently remind him, “and then I’ll come home,” LIKE HES A LITTLE FUCKSINGSKDJFSKSJ KID

It would’ve made things worse for her, tagged her into the downfall alongside him, so it’s good that she avoided it. She stands a better chance of a future having done it.

Once again, the fact that Reader is like not blaming Sofia and like sees where she’s coming from is so fucking well-adjusted but also complicated and layered and I’m just really living for that dynamic even though I sincerelyfuckingdoubt Sofia would be so understanding if the tables were turned aksjfsk but that’s just bc she’s an literal actual child. Like 20 years old is still young-dumb-stupid, lbr

It was all anger. Hurt. Liquid regret pouring through the handset.

LIQUID REGRET POURING THROUGH THE HANDSETS;JAF;LSDJIF;ALSDJF;OFIJQWE;OFIJAOSDIJFA;SDKJFNA;OSDIJF;AOSIJDF; I HATE YOU, I HATE, HATE, HATE YOU. SO SKILLFUL, FLOWS BEAUTIFULLY. AND IT FUCKING R H Y M ES ????? BC YOU WEREN’T FLEXING ENOUGH ALREADY???? I’M PACING OKAY, I CAN’T BREATHE

It wasn’t the plan to come in like this was any other, normal reunion, like you’re seeing him after an impromptu vacation. The plan, was to be a friend to yourself, for once.

GODDDD;AKJ THE LITERAL FUCKING DREAD YOU HAVE BUILT INTO THIS BUT ALSO AT THE SAME TIME GOT ME FULL FUCKING CLIMBING TO THE TOP OF A STREET LAMP, LIKE AN OVERLY ENTHUSIASTIC SPORTS FAN, RIOTING AND TEARING DOWN MY OWN CITY, SWINGING MY FUCKING T-SHIRT AROUND, CHEERING READER ON BC “THE PLAN WAS TO BE A FRIEND TO YOURSELF FOR ONCE” IS LIKE THE FUCKIGNSODFIJSDLDFKJ MOVE LIKE GORL RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND NEVER LOOK BACK IN NO WAY AM I SEEING PARALLELS BETWEEN THIS AND MY RECENT DIVORCE AND SOBBING ON MY KEYBOARD, AND SHORT-CIRCUITING MY LAPTOP AS I READ THIS, NOOOOOPOPEEEEEE NOOOOOOT DOING IT

‘I’ve been going fucking crazy in here,’ he says, ‘not even Neto wants to talk to me.’ ‘Neto’s here too?’ You’ve met him before, of course. He isn’t a character you can forget easily.

SKLFSKSKSK now I know why you chose that gif. From “no salta el DIIIIISCO WEY!” to “es basura, he hates me” in 60 seconds. This also reminds me of that one scene in S2 when Miguel goes to visit Neta to ask for advice y’know as tho he didn’t complete blast Neto in the ass with a sandpaper dildo aka entirely responsible for him being there in the first place and Neta, in no uncertain terms tells him to get fucked but then also says something about how, if Miguel ever ends up in there, he’d let “estas pinshes marranas puercas como Rafa” cut him to pieces or something sdkjfsk

Honestly, you’d hoped you would at least have some glass between, you were counting on it, even. Something for his reaction to bounce off.

SWEEEEEET FUCKS THIS DIDN’T EVEN OCCUR TO ME IN THE SLIGHTEST BUT OFC YOU’D BE EXPECTING GLASS. IT’S IN ALL THE MOVIES, THE GLASS AND THE PHONE BUT NOW HE’S SO MUCH CLOSER, LIKE HAVING TO EXTRACT THEMSELF FROM HIM LIKE P H Y S I CALLY, EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY ASLDFJA;SLJFA;LSDJF;ALSJK FI ASTQA=WE0RUQ=EI I’M DONE. I’M FUCKING DONE. I CAN’T MAKE IT TO THE END

He’s been souring since he’d swapped you for Miguel, himself for the business. Been gone before you’d even realised. You’ve spent all this time trying to stitch him back together, keep the body whole, keep the motor running, and he was already a ghost. Gone through the fucking cracks. You were just too sentimental to see it, too loyal to the kid you’d met at the end of the street.

I’m like– liek?????? I don’t know what to say????? rn??? I’m like, like…. See I can’t even fucking worsdkfsjldfjslkdfjslkdfj ;sdasdflkajsdl;fkja;sldfkja;lsdfja;io sfhjpiquwoehf like I really can’t. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike I cannot actually asummon the cognitive power to a fasfeormea sslkdfj la;sjf rform a real actualfucking sentence bc like????? I think you broke my brain????? And all cognitive functioning has ceased entirely??? don’t even have the capacity to caps or key smash bc I’m like real-life shell shocked and catatonic, staring off into a void I will never know or understand and I’m pretty sure I will never write a single, solitary thing again bc what is the point when it’s already been said in these few lines

‘For who?’ he asks. ‘I need you in here, I’ll go crazy, I’ll—’ ‘For me, Rafa.’ That’s the point, the whole point, and still he doesn’t get it. ‘It’s better for me, and I have to do it.’ And he has to let you. He said he wouldn’t ask again, wouldn’t expect you to follow him everywhere he went. Just because he’s stuck in one place now, doest mean you have to be too. One of you deserves a win, right? You won’t serve time on his behalf.

HOOOOOOKAAAAY IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSKJEKLJKRLWEJSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMM,,,,,,,MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMHMMMMMMMHH you won’t serve time on his behalf. YOU WON’T SERVE TIME ON HIS BEHALF. 👏🏽YOU👏🏽WON’T👏🏽SERVE~~👏🏽GOTDAMN👏🏽TIME👏🏽ON👏🏽HIS👏🏽BEHALF👏🏽

You don’t, and if this is how he wants to be, then fine, conversation over. Cloth cut from the body at last …You’ve found your track, now it’s time to run it, right to the end. Just like he would.

ALRIGHT. COOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL. … I FEEL SO GOOD NOW ……………. YEAH FUCKING INCREDIBLE, TOP OF THE WORLD …………………… THAT DIDN’T HURT AT ALL ……………………………… SO EXCITED THAT YOU DID ALL THESE TERRORISMS TO ME ……………………………………………… NOT AT ALL FEELING

five and one

rafa x gn!reader, 7598 words, canon typical drug use, hurt/comfort/angst, no happy ending(!!!)

the five times you were his friend, and the one time you weren’t 

a/n: this has been in my docs waiting to be finished for sososo long omg finally the rafito despair is here. enjoy!

taglist: @ashlingiswriting​ @drabbles-mc​ @cositapreciosa​ @hausofmamadas​ @cherixrosa​ @purplesong1028​ @mandaloria314​ @dashavau​ @yeetintomadness @thesandbeneathmytoes​ (as per i have forgotten who wants tagging and who doesnt sorry!)

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Rafa’s been asking you for weeks. Come smoke, carnale, come on. I have something to show you.

Soon, you told him. I’m busy with school, work, I have to pick my Abuela up from church—I’m the only one who can drive her, remember?

They weren’t made up excuses, even if he thought they might’ve been. You didn’t like it either, having no time for him, but it’s how it went. How it is. He dropped out of school, never made it to college. You did. It gives you different markers now, different structures to shape the friendship around. When you were classmates it was easy, natural: before class, in class, after class. Simple. There you were, there he was. Now, you have to pencil him in like any other obligation.

He isn’t an obligation. You try not to let him feel like one.

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