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jensettermandu · 1 year ago

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birthday wish - jennie kim

genre; smut, slight angst, fluff, smut with some plot

pairing; jennie x g!p reader

content; breeding kink, oral (reader giving), spanking, rough sex, degrading, humiliation, creampie (?), brattiness, probably missed something

synopsis; it's her birthday and she only has one wish

wc; 17k+

masterlist

a/n: this was written in two days, sorry if it is not up to standard with my usual writing. i forgot about the bday since i don't usually write for anything special for them

Loud music, drinks (many free ones), dancing, and partying in a way she hadn’t been able to do in a couple of months. She was finally able to party like a teen which had been hard. Jennie had turned 28 and was reaching her peak yet at some point everything had turned sour and bitter in her life. It wasn’t unusual, things would always go up and down and she was old enough to accept it.

What was a lot harder to accept was the break-up she had with her ex-girlfriend about four months ago. The concept of not being good for each other, that loving wasn’t enough if they brought out these bad sides of jealousy, possessiveness, and the fights it would cause. It was a tough fall to break up with someone who she had started seeing when she was in her early 20s–22 to be exact and broken up with later on. That was someone she had spent half of her tweenies with.

That person who she had been at a peak with, who always made her feel like a teen in love. Who flew her through the sky, into a new universe and now had her crash back down to earth after a high that lasted for five years. Five years had been bumpy, but it didn’t matter if they had been trying all the time. There was only so long they could go off of feeling like teens when they were adults. At some point the fun had to be limited, or did it have to be? Did she have to grow up?

It was her Birthday.

Jennie and her friends had pre-gamed before they went bar hopping.

The idea?

They couldn’t wait for Jennie to get laid now that she was over her ex-girlfriend who they liked to call an asshole. Jennie would argue about that because she wasn’t an asshole. She just loved too hard and so did Jennie. An asshole wouldn’t be able to give Jennie the best years of her life despite having many more to come, nor would an asshole be able to give her mind-blowing sex.

The sex.

Jennie had found herself horny for the past month.

Jennie had found herself pathetically wasting money on sex toys that sufficed for the moment, but not long term.

All that, but she hadn’t been able to go out and meet someone to hook up with.

She was scared she would get disappointed and feel like only one person could satisfy her truly.

The woman wasn’t supposed to be running back to her ex after crying for two months straight, and then managing to slowly start functioning normally on the third and now was the fourth and she was out partying–looking to get laid and fully forget her ex by finding someone who could fuck her good enough.

Fuck it out of her mind, leave her memories a blur.

It was the third place they had been to.

“Anyone hot yet? We’re not leaving until you leave first because you’re going to drop your panties for a stranger.” Lisa was right by her ear as she spoke, shot still in her hand as the dozen girlfriends that Jennie was with had just been served another round.

“You have to lose your post-breakup virginity, babe.” Jisoo came from the other side and spoke into her ear, making Jennie giggle at the slurred words of the drunk woman.

“I’m literally on it, I’ve been standing and looking pretty the whole night,” Jennie argued as she wasn’t the one to walk up to someone.

“To sex!” Lisa’s words earned squeals and shouts from the other girls, Jennie drowned herself in yet another shot. Her world was slowly starting to spin, knowing that in three more shots, she would be perfectly drunk. That type that left her euphoric and not blackout drunk.

“I will be back.” Jennie found herself making it to the bathrooms, there was no line fortunately for her as she walked in. The music was still making her body vibrate despite being muffled in the bathroom that was filled with the chatter of girls in the cubicles and by the sink.

She was trying her best, but it was difficult to just throw herself back out there. There were plenty of fish in the sea, but the deep waters would always be scary and she had just managed to dip herself in it.

She reached into her purse after finishing her quick business as her phone had started to buzz. Her eyes squinted to read the texts that were a tinge blurry, all she could tell was that they were from her friends who had spammed the group chat and made it hard to understand what the topic was or why they were texting incoherent words to begin with.

“Jesus!” Jennie exclaimed at the bang that came on her door, making her shut her phone off right away. Her heart jumped at how scared she got and she planted her hand against the door for safety even if there were other people in the bathroom.

“Knock knock.” Her heart jumped much higher now.

“Y/n?” She questioned the voice that was all too familiar and made her whole body feel like jelly from the second she heard it.

“Hey, sexy.”

“No, definitely not, Y/n–get the fuck away from me.” It was like a disease if Y/n touched her. She would get infected right away.

Fun fact: Jennie lied to her friends when she said that she was over Y/n.

“Happy Birthday, Jen–”

“Please, we’re over, I do not want to see you and you know it, Y/n.” Jennie was desperate for the girl to leave. Her night had been perfect and now that Y/n had appeared from nowhere, she knew what mistakes she would make and how the night would get better because she missed Y/n. The easiest fish to catch for Y/n was Jennie, she reeled her in with ease.

It never was a messy breakup as they agreed on it, but it still took a toll because despite knowing that they at times were no good for each other, they still loved strongly. They loved each other stronger than anyone else, even their families didn't get that kind of love and Jennie loved her mother dearly. Which also made it an easy decision that was hard to go through with.

“Do I? I know that I want to see you, Jennie. I am quite sure you want to see me too.” Jennie heaved a sigh, staring at the stall door while fighting all these urges. She wanted to convince herself that she would stand in this cubicle until her death just to avoid Y/n. That if she walked out of it she would walk right past her and not look back because they were supposed to be looking at their future.

This was the woman Jennie had planned a future with.

She would let Y/n spit that addicting poison right back into her mouth, there were still remnants of it left as she hadn’t moved on.

She unlocked the cubicle.

God, Jennie was weak, as in literally and metaphorically.

Y/n blocked the way as she stepped inside the cubicle and closed it before locking it too. She leaned back against the door and her eyes took in Jennie to the fullest.

The brunette widened her eyes and looked up at the girl who was younger by a few months as she had that usual enigmatic smile that always made Jennie curious about what she was thinking. That always drew Jennie in and made her cling to her and ask about it all, the answers were always the best. Her face was still as perfect as when they met, those eyes that would always gaze with adoration, perfectly plump lips, upturned nose, her slim figure, and all that Jennie always was attracted to when it came to her looks. Although, it had always been far more than just her looks that Jennie was attracted to.

“Sexy was no joke–” Y/n stopped talking, realising that she hadn’t seen her in four months after seeing each other every day for the past five years and living together for the past three and a half. The cubicle was getting Jennie’s scent trapped, the one that made it possible to sleep at night and Y/n had to spray her sheets with it unless she wanted more sleepless nights. The woman was dressed simply yet she made it look complicated with her beauty, a backless top, and black cargos, her figure shown off. Black had always been her colour and Y/n had always loved her in black, from clothes to lingerie.

Neither of them was over the other.

“Y/n.” Jennie said and her hands came up to plant themselves against Y/n's stomach when she stepped closer. Y/n smiled, her hand brushing over Jennie’s bare arm and it was enough to send shocks of familiarity and longing through the kitten's whole body. It was like it was shaking her from how electric it was, it was as if her body was charged right back up and coming back to life.

She sighed and suddenly took the few steps back that were needed for her back to touch the stall and make her somewhat squirm at how cold it was against her shoulder blades. It was overwhelming to have Y/n so close to her, their eyes stuck right together, those emotions of longing, and sadness, yet so much happiness at the back of it all of seeing one another again.

“It was so different waking up today with an empty bed and no Jennie to spoil from morning to night—it was more than an empty bed.” Y/n’s tone fell, one that was loud enough just for Jennie to hear. The slender fingers reached up to the face that held home on it, fingers running along Jennie’s jaw. It was still the same woman, the one Y/n fell in love with.

This was so bad for the Jennie who had lied about moving on.

This was so good for the Jennie who never wanted to move on.

Jennie grabbed hold of Y/n’s hand and removed it from her face, although she didn’t let go of it. It felt too good to hold her again. “How did you know I would be here? You weren’t looking for me, were you?” A sly and cheeky smile graced Y/n’s lips at the question. Out of the whole nightlife of Seoul she still somehow managed to run into her. It was the popular area in Gangnam, one they used to head to all the time, but still.

“No, not much better to do on weekends than to go out with friends now that I don’t have you. I knew it was your birthday, so all I did was hope that you would show up at this club at some point.” She had hoped she would at least catch a glimpse of her. It was shot in the dark as Seoul was big and it had been hours since they went out, but all she did was hope that Jennie would head out for her birthday–hopefully without anyone new.

“I’ve missed you–a lot.” Y/n was the first to admit it, her fingers intertwined with Jennie’s as she had never let go of her hand. She raised it before pinning it beside her head, taking that small step that left them dangerously close to each other. Jennie gripped Y/n’s black sweatshirt, unsure if she wanted to push her away or drag her closer.

“I’ve missed you too.” There wasn’t a single nerve in her body that could make her hold back on those words. Jennie looked down at Y/n’s lips as she had licked them. God knew how much she had missed her. It couldn't have been healthy. It made Jennie act out in way she hadn't done before. It made her feel crazy.

“Are you here with someone?” Y/n knew the question could have many answers, she was praying for one that didn’t involve someone who had replaced her. Could anyone replace her?

“With–” The answer came before Jennie could utter it herself.

“Jennie?” It was Jisoo.

Followed by Lisa. “Are you here?”

“You think she just left?” Chaeyoung questioned.

“Check the stalls?”

The two looked at each other. It would be bad news for Jennie if she was seen with Y/n in the same cubicle right now. There was no way she would be able to explain herself and even if she would be able to–was it bad that she didn’t want to leave just yet? Maybe the best gift she could have received on her birthday was to fill that hole that had been left after an important part of her life had left. Even for one night.

Their silent communication worked wonders still after being away for four months. Y/n stepped back, grabbing hold of the top of the stall as she got on top of the toilet seat while helping Jennie up by pulling her by her hand. The two somehow managed to squeeze on that seat, holding onto one another to not fall.

Even if it was just for a night, it would still make it another memorable birthday.

Jennie didn’t have to tell her friends about it.

“I swear to God if she left with her.” The two looked at each other at what Chaeyoung said.

“Are you sure it was Y/n?”

“Yes, I could recognise that little shithead from miles away.”

“What did you tell them–” Jennie covered Y/n’s mouth so they wouldn’t be heard by accident. It was baffling to the girl to hear Chaeyoung talk about her like that. Had they both agreed to a breakup if Jennie had talked bad about Y/n to relieve her gloom and anger?

“She’s over her.”

“Who knows anymore? It’s like she’s someone completely different without her and it’s not even in a good way.” Y/n’s eyes softened at the words that left Jisoo and Jennie hid her face in her arm as she was still covering Y/n’s mouth.

“Maybe she found a hookup and forgot to text–just send another message because she’s not here.”

The two waited for a good minute before they climbed down the toilet seat and Jennie opened her phone to see the text in the group chat. This time she scrolled up to see that they were all saying how Y/n was at the bar and they were waiting for Jennie so they could leave for a new one. She decided to text them about finding a hookup.

“What did you tell them to hate me so much?” Y/n questioned again and Jennie put her phone away.

“I was pissed okay–cut me some slack if you were the one to walk out the door,” Jennie grumbled and opened the stall as she walked out of it at last. Y/n followed right after her, picking up in her pace as the shorter girl took quick steps until she got to the countertop with the sinks.

“Hey, hey, I thought it was a mutual agreement to break up.” Now Y/n was confused because despite it feeling almost impossible to leave they agreed on it. She thought they both left with the same intentions and the same mindset. They loved each other, but at times it felt like they did love too much and it held them back.

“Yeah, it felt like I had no other choice but to agree when you suggested that we break up.” Jennie had tried to force that mindset on herself, to be on the same page because she knew what the problem was of being together and still living in the past. They needed to grow up. It was stupid, she did want to grow up, but she didn’t want to grow apart. It caused her temporary depression, anger, and frustrations which she took out by bad-mouthing Y/n to her friends. It hurt her to see the woman she had spent five years with just walk out the door as if Jennie hadn’t been a major part of her life.

“Are you angry at me because you didn’t tell me how you felt?”

“Yes, I am because what would it change if I said no? I thought you knew me well enough to understand that I didn’t want any of this, Y/n.” The latter was in disbelief at the words as she stood behind Jennie who was furiously washing her hands. It went quiet between the two of them, the only thing filling the silence was the muffled music and chatter of people around them. No one around them mattered though, they never did when they were together. It was like they were in a different world with each other.

Jennie stopped and held onto the counter, a frown on her face as she looked at Y/n through the mirror. She felt like a fool for being the only one, for thinking that Y/n would be able to read her mind. She knew that it was her fault too because it had been a suggestion and she agreed when she felt like there was no other choice. There was a reason why she had suggested it and Jennie knew that it was valid. She just didn’t want to go through with it and stupidly expected for Y/n to read her mind like some idiot.

“Come on.” Y/n didn’t answer the question. She couldn’t answer it because she didn’t want to hurt Jennie by making her realise the time they wasted away from each other. Y/n would have stayed. She only suggested what she thought would benefit them both, it did in one way as it let them realise what they truly needed.

They needed each other.

She grabbed her hand and Jennie was led through the club. She just let her steal her away. It was how they met and she would always let Y/n drag her anywhere like the first time they met at a party where Y/n dragged her away from it only to give her the most memorable night of her life by showing her how to let go.

“Jacket, why do you not have a jacket?” Y/n questioned as they stepped out of the bar and were met by the cold night of January with snow lying around.

“I left it in the car we came in.” Y/n shook her head while exhaling through her nose and removing the oversized leather jacket she had on.

“You’re being stupid–What’re you even planning to do?” Jennie questioned, Y/n was now left in the black loose sweatshirt as she moved behind Jennie. The girl looked back while putting her arms through the sleeves. She was confused, but she couldn’t just walk away. She had no idea what Y/n was planning on doing. They weren’t together, they were supposed to live their own lives, and she had no clue why she had stayed. What was the plan if they were broken up?

“It would feel wrong to run into you and not give you a gift on your birthday,” Y/n argued, coming back around and bending her knees slightly to grab the ends of the jacket to zip it up. Jennie was drowning in the warmth that Y/n had left after her together with the scent that she wanted to bury her face in. It felt like she would maybe regret it afterwards because she was quite sure they would go back to their new lives right after parting ways again. It would feel like the break-up all over again.

“I do not expect anything from you if we aren’t toge–” Y/n didn’t seem to listen to Jennie when she grabbed her hand and made her walk beside her. She didn’t hold her hand like they always used to do, but her palm rested against Jennie’s lower back to make sure that she wasn’t getting lost anywhere.

It was crowded with people, they were flooding from everywhere and Y/n kept walking without a stop. She was stuck with her gaze on Y/n who looked down at her with a small smile. It was enough to make Jennie’s world blind and her heart bounce in a familiar beat. Had she just broken Jennie’s walls down once again, but even quicker than she did the first time? It was frustrating. She let Y/n in so easily when she should lock her out, put up millions of walls, higher than the sky, with no way in or out.

“Y/n?”

There was so much she could tell her right now and she couldn’t tell how Y/n would respond to any of it.

“I know it’s a lot to ask for after everything, but could you do one thing for me, Jennie? To just forget everything for two hours, three tops.” Y/n interrupted all the questions Jennie would like to ask. She felt horrible to know the truth that they both agreed to something they thought the other wanted. Y/n never wanted to break up with her, but neither did she want to be an obstacle in Jennie’s life. The stupid little fights they had still hurt them both, the last thing Y/n ever wanted was to hurt Jennie, but she still somehow did.

She knew that she should have known, and maybe she did at the back of her head since she had known Jennie for over five years. Things sometimes just didn’t go as planned.

It wasn’t hard to forget when she was with her again. Y/n made everything bad go away.

“Fine, Y/n,” she still trusted her with her life. She'd jump right back into those deep waters where her only safety was Y/n.

“Okay, sit down right here and do not run away,” Y/n said after they had entered a convenience store. She pulled the stool out and guided Jennie to sit on it who was still busy figuring out what the girl was doing and why they had to pass so many other stores and stop at this one. With no other choice, Jennie sat and only glanced back at Y/n who disappeared between the shelves. There was slight anticipation growing in her the whole time, she stayed fiddling with her fingers as she rested her hands atop the table.

She stopped for a moment, grabbed the collar of the jacket that was oversized and pulled it up to her nose. The scent had washed off of her clothes at home, the clothes Y/n had left behind had been worn to where the scent no longer lingered on them and she had to wash them. It made Jennie curious how Y/n went through it.

Had she also been pathetically looking through endless photos in her gallery?

Drowned herself in Jennie’s scent?

Had Y/n finished the season finale of the series they had been watching together, but broke up right when the finale came out. Jennie had been waiting even if they weren’t together and would never get to know the end.

Had she been dwelling in all their plans for the future that now only was a past?

Had she been hurting just as much?

Jennie heaved a sigh and let go of the collar, reaching her hands up to her eyes as she knew that she wasn’t over Y/n. She was holding on, she was even out with Y/n even if it would feel like the break up all over again once Y/n would leave. Her fingers gently patted away the wetness that had warmed in her eyes. How did she let go of something that was securing her from falling off the ride?

It was time to stop dwelling when Y/n sat down right beside her on the vacant stool.

“Fuck, that’s hot.” The girl sucked air through her teeth and quickly put the noodle bowl down that was steaming. Jennie looked at what more she somehow managed to carry when she leaned over and dropped the things on the table.

“Since I am no chef, this is the best I could do and the ramen is how you like it.” She started while taking the ice cup and opening it. Jennie slid it over to herself and peeled off the lid fully. It was just ramen with Y/n making it fancier and better by adding more toppings; Jennie was desperate as she could never get it right since Y/n always made it for her the way Jennie loved it. It was just instant ramen, but it was her comfort food which hadn’t been the comfort she had been looking for. It would somehow suffice for now.

“Thanks.” She was a bit more than thankful, but she wasn’t sure how else she should thank her.

“Don’t thank me, it’s your birthday.” Jennie chuckled at that as she grabbed the chopsticks and looked at Y/n who poured the mango-flavoured iced tea into the cup with ice.

“Very thoughtful to drag me to a convenience store.” Y/n shook her head and picked up the cup, taking two big gulps before placing it back down.

“Yeah, God forbid I drag you to a fancy restaurant–don’t worry though…” Y/n trailed off and Jennie moved back slightly when she reached over to her. She smiled at Jennie, her face just a few inches away from Jennie’s as she reached over to the other side. Y/n’s hand reached into the right pocket of her jacket that Jennie had on while sitting on her left.

Jennie wasn’t sure what she wanted when Y/n was so close to her. One thing she was certain of was that she missed all of Y/n’s loving and caring touches, the ones that always touched her soul. Jennie missed being held in her arms, falling asleep with them around her. She missed the safety, the security that came from being in them, and the feeling of not having to be afraid to be herself because she trusted Y/n so much.

She grabbed what she was looking for with a sly grin as she pulled away. “If you celebrate, you have to celebrate right, don’t you?” Y/n let out in a more hushed tone that was still honeyed and Jennie could listen to her talking all day. That was something she had done because Y/n always had something to talk about.

The kitten parted her lips at the flask Y/n had taken out of her pocket, taking the cup down and placing it between her thighs. “Since when do you carry a flask around?” Jennie questioned, the last time she had seen Y/n with one was when they were still in college. It kind of worried her that maybe the girl had started drinking. Y/n let out a breathless chuckle, unscrewing the steel flask before filling the iced tea back up to the brim, but this time with tequila.

“Only today.” She reassured Jennie and lolled her head to the side to look at Jennie. That smile did not leave as she put the lock on, the flask back in the left pocket instead and she put the straw through the lock before mixing it up.

Jennie rolled her eyes as she, at last, started to eat the instant ramen that tasted better than most things she had ever eaten simply because it was made by Y/n. It also was something that killed all her cravings that were caused by the alcohol and food had simply never tasted better. Y/n always knew just what Jennie needed by looking at her. Yet she had somehow missed how Jennie never truly wanted to part ways.

“Just don’t inhale everything, I want a bite before you do.” Y/n laughed when Jennie elbowed her, making Y/n squirm away. “God, you’re rude.”

“Stop being a little piece of shit, Y/n.” Jennie seriously said and looked at Y/n who was already looking at her through her lashes with the straw in her mouth. “Not cute.”

“I tried.” Y/n said in defeat and handed the large plastic cup to Jennie who slid the ramen over to her with the chopsticks. “Oh, my bite is gonna come with extra flavours since there are Jennie germs in it.” Jennie hurt her throat when she swallowed the lump of iced tea with tequila before she could spit it out because she felt that huff before she giggled.

“Stop acting imbecilic.”

“Imbecilic, big words for a 28-year-old. I can say that I’m proud of you.” Jennie rolled her eyes and watched Y/n slurp up a bite of noodles with a hum after. “So good–”

“Don’t.” Jennie stopped her before she could say something stupid again and pulled the ramen back to herself. It was all coming right back, just being with Y/n for a few minutes, starting a conversation, and she was reminded all again why she loved her so much. How she made her feel so good about herself, how she cut Jennie slack by being herself which let Jennie drop all her guards down right away and be herself too. How she was back to feeling ten years younger and like she could just be herself for the night or whenever she got back home to Y/n–used to.

“Here, the monster is coming for your mouth, Jennie.”

“You did not just say that out loud Y/n.” Jennie giggled, the younger girl holding the gimbap and guiding it towards her mouth as it was still in one piece. Y/n gasped and looked at Jennie in disbelief. “Ew, why are you being dirty-minded, Jen.” She slapped Y/n’s shoulder, her cheeks hurting from how much she had been smiling and giggling. It didn’t matter if Y/n had asked her to forget everything for a few hours, Y/n automatically made her forget everything.

“You are, I didn’t say that I had something dirty in mind.” She defended herself. The two did not care about the rest of the people who went in and out of the store, or the people passing by the window. The radio played the most recent K-pop songs to fill the store, but all they could focus on were each other's words, giggles, and stares which were numbing all the pain.

Y/n grinned and shot her eyebrows up in a manner that suggested that the next words to leave her mouth would be far from appropriate as she still held the gimbap up ready to feed the feline. “Well, you can surely open wide enough for it to fit–” Y/n squeaked at the pain when Jennie this time hit her thigh, hitting a nerve because the pain made her hunch over.

“Not fitting at all.” Y/n chuckled at the words that came from Jennie and she looked up at her as she was still hunched over. “Is the joke not fitting or the gimbap?” Jennie groaned at that and Y/n sat up straight.

“Okay, here comes the train–Better?” Y/n asked.

Jennie hummed and opened her mouth as Y/n went back to trying to feed her a bite after they both devoured the noodles together. She grabbed hold of Y/n’s writs to make sure she aimed right and at last managed to bite off a piece. The latter reached over to Jennie’s face whose cheeks were fluffed out from having her mouth full.

Her finger brushed the corner of Jennie’s lips who only turned her head more to Y/n as she was used to it. The girl always fed her, always wiped her mouth, always knew what to order, what was needed in which mood. She scooped up the grain of rice and licked it off her thumb before poking Jennie’s cheek who whined.

“You’re still as cute when you eat, God I could squish the literal life out of you until there’s a bloody explosion.”

“That raises many warnings, Y/n,” Jennie mumbled as she swallowed the food at last and watched Y/n take a bite herself while Jennie took a sip of the iced tea that they had drunk a third off. It had made Jennie more than just a bit tipsy now, the drunk slowly incoming, but she didn’t mind as she could tell that Y/n was in the same state.

“It should because if I were to use enough pressure to squeeze you, you’d die.”

Jennie widened her eyes and slowly turned her head to the side to glance at Y/n.

“Why are you saying these things?” She questioned and Y/n fed her another bite.

“I don’t know, they are just these impulsive things that leave my mouth so be careful if they become actual gestures.” Jennie shoved Y/n who was laughing yet again.

The girl always did the most random gestures of affection towards Jennie. Say these words that were somewhere between cute and concerning, but Jennie loved it all. The way she would do more than just buy her flowers, all these small things Jennie had always taken notice of. She’d go as far as to perfectly place Jennie’s slippers beside the bed so she could slip them on right away when she woke up. Now Jennie’s slippers were mostly discarded messily because she always kicked them off when getting into bed with no Y/n to fix them.

“Hold on, or we will get there next week.” Y/n stopped and let go of Jennie’s hand that was clasped with hers, the older one swaying them back and forth as she was walking in a mix of steps, skips, and whatever else she was doing with her feet, dancing her way to the next destination which was slowing them down. Y/n needed to be there on time.

“You got me drunk.” Jennie sang out, shuffling in place with her feet.

“We’re in the same boat, Miss Kim.” The said girl giggled as she had been slowing them down by doing everything but walking. Y/n pulled Jennie to her by the jacket and she crashed into her.

“Where are you taking me?” Jennie questioned and Y/n turned around.

“Get on my back first.” She ushered and bent her knees.

“Want me to mount you like a stallion?” Y/n snorted at that.

“Who is dirty-minded now?”

“It’s a disease carried by you,” Jennie replied and grabbed hold of Y/n’s shoulders with her hands. She huffed and Y/n stumbled a step before managing to stabilise herself with her arms wrapping around Jennie’s thighs.

“Now I’m carrying a parasite–ouch.” Y/n winced when she got gently bonked at the top of her head before she looked to her side. Jennie peeked in with a smile on her lips, her arms loosely wrapped around Y/n’s shoulders whose eyes were creasing from her smile.

“Well? Walk, horsie.” Jennie ordered and gently nudged Y/n with her heel as if she were an actual horse.

She did start walking, making it out of the Gangnam district much quicker despite her legs needing some stabilising to not fall as her coordination was slightly off and she was carrying Jennie. The girl on her back rested her cheek against the side of her head, snuggling closer to Y/n to keep her warm as she still had her jacket on. She had already planned how to end up with the jacket at home because she knew that Y/n would walk her to the entrance of her apartment building at the end of the night. She never let Jennie walk alone at night, she’d always pick her up with the car if Jennie didn’t drive, or she’d walk with her. It didn't matter if Jennie was with friends or if Y/n was busy, she would always get there.

“Y/n…” Jennie mumbled, looking ahead as they continued to walk, Y/n adjusted the girl on her back as they were close to the destination. She hummed, glancing down at Jennie’s fingers to see the girl tugging on them and she could tell that whatever it was it was something that made Jennie worried or uneasy. “Did you–did you try seeing anyone during these four months?” She asked, dreading the answer because she had no clue how Y/n had spent these past four months. If she had spent two whole months crying, a month trying to leave the house without bags under her eyes or if she skipped all of it.

Y/n chuckled, giving her thigh a squeeze that made Jennie whine at the ticklish sensation. “God no, I’ve been staying with my mum at this big age and working from home. I didn’t leave the house and just stayed with mum even if she continuously scolded me.” She admitted. She hadn’t even thought about another woman aside from Jennie. Y/n couldn’t tell how many hours she spent in bed crying while listening to the 'Disintegration album by The Cure'.

Jennie felt relief wash over her to know that she hadn’t been the only one. It made her feel less of a fool and made her feel better. It was confirmation that they both took it hard because they both loved each other.

“What was she scolding you for?” She curiously asked.

“Not obvious for your little pea brain?” Y/n questioned.

“Never mind then,” Jennie grumbled, rolling her eyes and Y/n stopped walking.

“Get off me now–” Y/n wiggled Jennie off of her, the girl sliding back down onto her feet, her hands letting go of Y/n’s shoulders when she was fully off. It felt cold and if they were both honest neither of them wanted to pull away. “She scolded me for leaving you and said that I would never get the family ring to propose to the next girl I would meet because you were the only right one and worthy of having it.” It made Jennie’s heart drop as Y/n grabbed her hand in hers, intertwining their fingers. It hurt, it hurt them both badly to know that the planned future was in the past.

They had both agreed to wait for marriage and a family until they were at a perfect place in their lives. There was no such thing as a perfect place in their lives when it had been perfect ever since they met. The only thing they had to wait for was to finish studying and have stable enough jobs to start a family. Nothing could have been more perfect and they had waited long enough for a perfect moment to never come now.

Jennie sighed and looked down at her feet as she walked in sync with Y/n. The realisation of actually being 28 now hit her, and if she would ever move on, she’d be too old to start that family of two kids. Unless she would rush into it all. The anxiety started to eat at her as she had never processed what being 28 meant. What did it matter if she was working her dream job if she was earning money that let her live comfortably, if she was in a stable place in her life? When she wasn’t even close to stable in her love life that was dead.

“We’re here.” Jennie looked up from the void under her that was ready to swallow her as it had started to drag her down and had invited her to suffer with endless anticipatory fear. Over the five years she had spent her birthdays with Y/n, she had managed to forget how depressing they were. How anxious they had always made her. Another year had just passed by and there were things Jennie had yet to do. She had forgotten how much she hated birthdays.

Y/n took out her phone and looked at the time it was 11:09 P.M. and Jennie gasped when Y/n tugged on her. “Quick before it’s too late.” Jennie found herself running towards the Banpodaegyo bridge whose neon lights were glowing. People were walking along the bridge, but Jennie and Y/n were running like their lives depended on it.

“I’m gonna fall,” Jennie whined as her legs were barely keeping up with Y/n’s longer ones, to add she was still under the influence and her running felt bumpy and very unsteady. They made it onto the bridge, Jennie tried to slow down, but Y/n did not let her and continued to run. “Y/n!” The girl let out in panic, making Y/n look over her shoulder at Jennie who was doing her best to keep up. The two were too occupied to care about anyone who would glance their way. Her shorter legs were messily trying to run and she was sure she'd run into something if Y/n wasn't guiding her as she felt herself leaning to one side more.

It soon turned into giggles and Y/n finally stopped, letting Jennie crash into her when she turned around and yanked her into her. Her arms wrapped around the panting girl as they made it to the middle of the bridge. “I could have died.” She tiredly complained, heaving for breath as she was not the best athlete after drinking. Y/n chuckled and grabbed hold of Jennie’s waist, gently pulling her away and looking down at her as she looked up.

“You’re being dramatic–” Y/n said and turned Jennie to face the Han River, the kitten leaned against the railing and looked over the dark river where the moon was being illuminated. She let out a sigh, taking in the scenery while fog left her mouth from the small pants of air.

The younger one busied herself with digging through the pocket of her loose jeans. She got nothing and put her hand into the left one and finally stumbled upon what she was looking for. “Okay, here–you have to throw the coin into the water and make a wish, it’s about to be 11:11��and it’s your birthday so whatever you wish for has to come true.” Jennie turned her head and looked at Y/n with some confusion before letting her eyes fall onto the coin in Y/n’s palm.

“Y/n, I’m not five–” She was cut off by Y/n who took Jennie’s hand and put the cold coin in her hold.

“You are never too old for wishes, I have never heard of that law.” The younger seriously said and Jennie sighed as she turned back to the river. She looked down at the coin in her palm before she clutched it in her hand while Y/n leaned beside her and waited patiently. “Make sure to close your eyes, it’s 11 now.” She reminded her and watched how Jennie closed her eyes and bit her lower lip. Despite trying to protest at first she seemed to be in deep thought as her brows creased slightly and she was focusing hard.

Jennie threw the coin and opened her eyes as she stood on her toes to follow it with her eyes, but lost sight after a second as it got swallowed by the darkness. “When will it come true?” She asked and looked to her side at Y/n who was also looking over the railing too.

“You have to wait and it will come, could be in the next hour, day, week, or years, but at some point, it will come true.” Y/n reassured her before she pulled away from the railing. This time she took out her earphones, putting one in her ear.

Jennie frowned as she now was invested in the whole ordeal and wanted to see if it really would come true. Would she have to wait years?

“Come on,” Y/n grabbed hold of Jennie’s hand and the girl was somewhat hesitant to leave now that she had made a wish. Scared it wouldn’t come true if she left.

“But it will come true, right?” She asked to make sure while taking the one earphone that was handed to her.

“It’s the best day to make a wish since it’s your birthday, so obviously yes.” Jennie took one last glance before she clung to Y/n’s arm.

‘L$D - A$AP Rocky’

The two walked in silence through the rest of the bridge, rather admiring the moment in silence than filling it with chatter while listening to the music. The peace still managed to create memories as Jennie felt nostalgic and she wasn’t sure if it was because she was walking with Y/n again or not. Her side leaned into Y/n who put her arm around her shoulders as they walked instead. By the time they made it to the end of the bridge, the next song started playing and Jennie was so familiar with them that it confused her.

‘As Long as You Follow - Fleetwood Mac’

“You won’t mind if I take you to one more place?” Y/n questioned and Jennie looked up at her with docile eyes. She blinked them as they had glossed over and there was a lump in her throat for whatever reason. God, she did not want it to end. Jennie wanted this night to last forever. If she could somehow make it last forever she would do just that. Everything to not have Y/n leave her by the end of the night. Jennie shook her head as Y/n could take her to the edge of the world and she wouldn’t mind, she could drag her across all continents and she would be content.

The song was warming Jennie's soul, the lump pushing itself in her throat and she couldn't get over it. She almost wanted to curse Y/n out for playing Fleetwood Mac as they always listened to the band together. Y/n especially loved them. It was as if Y/n wanted to make her cry by playing this song and Jennie was forcing the tears back despite a few strays falling only to what she thought was her knowledge, forgetting that Y/n noticed everything about her. Her lips quivered and her heart thudded heavily.

Y/n hauled a cab and opened the door for Jennie who was citing all the songs.

‘Wot’s…Uh the Deal - Pink Floyd’

All of them weren’t necessarily songs Jennie listened to, but what Y/n listened to as she had a wide range of music tastes. She could still remember how excited Y/n would get to play them to Jennie on the guitar, acoustic or electric, it didn’t matter. She would sit down with Jennie and teach her how to play certain songs and help the girl get better at the string instrument. Sit right behind her and teach her each fret, tab, and chord that had to be played. She would always be so patient.

‘10:37 - Beach House’

Her eyes gazed through the window as she held onto Y/n’s hand who had her arm around her shoulders. The night slowly passed, people still roamed the streets, and lights turned red before turning green, Jennie only watched how the time passed while the car moved through the streets of Seoul.

‘Five String Serenade - Mazzy Star’

If she couldn’t make this night last forever, she would like time the time to pass by slowly. To make it last as long as possible, or for the road to never end and sit in Y/n’s arms her whole life. That way all her worries about her uncertain future would disappear. She would disappear in these songs while loving whatever simple things came to her as long as they were from Y/n.

‘What kind of love - Childish Gambino’

“Where are we going?” Jennie asked at last as she hadn’t heard where Y/n was taking them. She just followed. Y/n gave her a cheeky smile as she looked down at Jennie. Her hand untangled itself from Jennie’s two and she used it to brush away some of the hair that was falling in her face before letting her hand fall back down as it was resting around Jennie. The girl clung back onto it, playing with Y/n’s fingers. “You will see in a second ‘cause we’re almost there.” Jennie pouted at that and rested her head on Y/n’s shoulder.

‘Teenager - Deftones’

She started to feel like she had been thrown in a time capsule as the view of the Seoul tower was much more clear now. Jennie moved from Y/n’s hold and looked closer at where exactly they were heading. Her sight was somewhat blurry from the alcohol that she had consumed, but she knew that she wasn’t drunk enough to be this delusional.

‘Bel Air - Lana Del Rey’

“Why are we stopping by the cable cars?” She questioned and looked back at Y/n who paid the man who had driven them from the bridge to the cable cars that went up to the tower. Jennie wouldn’t be questioning it all too much if it hadn’t been for the fact that it was closed.

“I rather take a cable car than walk a dark trail at night, Jen,” Y/n said with a chuckle and opened the door before getting out. She held it open and Jennie got out with the girl’s help, bidding one last goodbye to the driver before closing the door to the car. With that she led the way, still dragging a confused Jennie with her.

“It’s closed though.” She deadpanned. It closed at 11 P.M. and it was 11:45 P.M. and Jennie’s birthday was almost over. She was starting to feel like Cinderella and soon enough she’d leave and leave everything behind her. Maybe this would be her last time with Y/n. It didn’t add up in her head and she didn’t want it. Although she felt like she wasn’t the one to make this decision, she was too scared to do it. What if she would get rejected?

“I helped a client invest and win a lot of money. He’s connected to the news Channel who owns it and since he was going to give me a bonus I asked if he could instead fix this for me.” Y/n explained and the girl frowned.

‘When the Sun Hits - Slowdive’

“Okay, and how did you time it all so well that it happened to be now that you ran into me?” Jennie questioned with some suspicion. Y/n chuckled, the kitten looking at her to see the dimples showing and she squeezed her smaller hand.

“Hey, I told you that I hoped I would run into you earlier and so with that hope, I picked this date and if I hadn’t run into you, I would have gone with one of my friends or alone.” Y/n shrugged it off as she knew that Jennie would realise soon enough as the strongest effects of the alcohol had slowly started to subside. They were approached by a guard and Y/n confirmed her identity as Jennie was digging in her blurry brain for what it exactly was.

It wasn’t long until they had made it up the stairs and the cable car was open and waiting. Y/n let Jennie get on first before getting on after the door closed. It was in queue when the next song started playing and Y/n laughed.

‘How You Remind Me - Nickelback’

“It doesn’t count if you aren’t screaming the lyrics Jennie—And this is how you remind me.”

“Y/n…”Jennie shied away like she always did.

“Come on, it’s just us—” Jennie looked unconvinced for a second as they sat in the cable car that was riding up over the dark forest, over the empty road. She giggled as Y/n pulled out the invincible guitar as the pre-chorus started. It was somewhat between childish, but also freeing as Y/n turned up the volume. “Sing or you are flying out.” Y/n threatened.

There truly never were any reasons to hold back when she was with Y/n and they always screamed songs until they lost their voices.

“It’s not like you to say sorry!”

Maybe it was because she was still under the influence, but it could be Y/n’s influence or the alcohol. She found herself singing the whole song with Y/n, knowing every word of it while sharing the invincible microphone with Y/n. The second Y/n laid her eyes on Jennie the girl had that big gummy smile that she adored so much. It was a smile she always wanted to be the cause of and she knew that it wouldn’t be possible if they were away. Unless Jennie still smiled this big whenever she looked back at the memories they had made together.

It was that feeling of being back in college, of being back together with Y/n. Screaming songs, wandering nights, getting lost in what love was for them. It was overwhelmingly good and it was sentimental whenever she looked back at those times. They had never been lost as she knew that Y/n let her live it all over and over again, but that was when they were together. Love was something only Y/n could make her feel on this type of level. The one that healed all the time, surely forgetting all the suffering she had done the past four months.

“All we need to do now is start a band together,” she found herself giggling at Y/n’s words, burying her face in her shoulder as they took out the earphones. She wrapped her arm around Jennie, rubbing her back and unable to even try to let the smile fall. Compared to the Jennie she first cornered in the bathroom, it was like seeing the Jennie she left, being able to bring her right back to life. The Jennie she never should have left even if they both agreed that it would be better. At times there is no such thing as the right thing to do, but possibly people could forgive the mistake when all she had in mind was the best for the girl.

Jennie heaved a sigh and suddenly, as if lightning struck her and woke her up, she realised what it was. Her lips parted, but before she could say anything they had reached the top and their fingers intertwined as they walked out. With a man from staff, they were led to the tower and then to the elevator.

Y/n looked down at Jennie, she kind of figured that the woman had figured it out by now. She looked almost devastated as her gaze was on the floor.

She felt like crying, she wanted to hate Y/n for doing something like this to her, but she couldn’t. This was probably the best gift she could have received, but the biggest problem was that she didn’t have Y/n. They walked out of the elevator, it was silent with just the two of them and Jennie let go of Y/n’s hand as she walked over to the windows. The whole thing was overwhelming as she was keeping her tears at bay and bit her lower lip, taking in a shaky breath as she looked over the view of Seoul at night in the tower that was closed to everyone but them…again.

Y/n put her hands in her pockets to warm them and stood just a step behind Jennie, being able to catch the woman’s reflection in the window. She had realised and Y/n had been expecting Jennie to get emotional because she was always a soft and emotional kitten.

“Those were all the songs we listened to that night in the exact order.” Jennie pointed out as she realised why the songs brought her so much nostalgia and why the order of them rang so many bells in her head. She wouldn’t have noticed otherwise, but the order was just right and now they had screamed the lyrics in that cable car once again while reaching the top. It all came rushing to Jennie.

“I know,” the taller girl simply replied, but she had hoped the whole night that Jennie would realise.

Now it made sense why they walked past so many convenience stores before they at last walked into that specific one.

“But you said that you put on shuffle with over 5k songs in your liked ones,” Jennie mumbled and lifted her head to catch Y/n’s reflection. The view was mesmerising, but what Y/n had done, what she had given her as a birthday present was much more meaningful and mesmerising than the view. It made Jennie turn around to look at her, a pout resting on her lips as her cheeks were stained with a few tear streaks.

“I made sure to put them all in a playlist until we stopped listening, which was when we left the cable car back in 2018, January 16th when we first met and I stole you from a club.”

Jennie jutted out her lower lip as Y/n had always been thoughtful, had always done small gestures that meant the world to her, and had been loving and caring. She hated that she had to be all those things when they weren’t together. It wasn’t fair. “Why?” Her voice cracked and her nose pricked before the tears won and spilled over her eyes.

Y/n gave her a soft and gentle smile, taking her hands out of her pockets. Her hands came up to Jennie’s face as she cupped her cheeks which were cold and soft in her hold, wet with tears that were warm on her cold skin that was tinted a light pink like her nose. She leaned into her hold with a sniffle, the ice on her skin melting at how good it felt to be in the warmth that was home.

“I kind of figured out that night that I would marry you and you seemed to be in bliss because of the night—so I thought that if I were to mess up big along the way I could replay the night for you and make it good again by doing exactly what I did the first time we met and then got together shortly after.” The girl admitted. She had regretted every moment away from Jennie because what she thought was right truly wasn’t. Her last hope was to show Jennie what they were together and hope that even if she suggested it, Jennie would want her right back. It was a stupid mistake, but everyone made them. Y/n just hoped that it wasn’t too late to fix what was broken.

She at least didn't want Jennie to hate her, hoping all she could leave were good memories after her.

Nothing was broken though. They were only broken away from each other, but it was like kintsugi the second they were right by each other again.

“I regret even suggesting it but I was thinking of you—” Jennie didn’t want to hear it, she didn’t blame Y/n. She had seen it from Y/n’s point of view and she knew how she always put Jennie first.

“I know that you were. I think we needed to be away from each other to truly realise how much we need one another to never take the other for granted or do anything to lose each other. To remember how much good we brought each other.” Jennie mumbled and Y/n huffed in relief through her nose as Jennie had always been understanding of her thinking and how she didn’t mean to make things more complicated than needed. It was enough for Jennie to forget the bad and only remember how much good they had brought, how much that had changed their lives in only good ways and she would forever cherish that.

She let go of Jennie and pulled her in for a hug, the shorter girl wrapped her arms around Y/n’s waist. She shed her last tears into her shoulder while Y/n soothed her, kissing the side of her head, and rubbing her back while holding her firmly. Jennie couldn’t tell what she was crying over anymore, but the relief made it impossible not to cry. She was still trying to comprehend how they after six years did everything they did the first time they met on Jennie’s birthday.

How Y/n somehow convinced Jennie to leave the club with her (she forgot safety the second she saw the girl).

She had dragged Jennie to that exact convenience store where they ate the same things, and Y/n mixed mango iced tea with tequila that they shared.

When they left and got to the bridge where Jennie made the wish and threw a coin in. A wish that came true because her drunk self wished for Y/n to ask her out despite meeting just an hour prior.

How they listened to music after (those exact tracks) and took a cab.

The only difference was that Y/n had managed to lie their way into letting them take the cable car and be in the tower for just a few minutes.

After that, Y/n walked Jennie to her college dorm and got her number before they parted ways.

They had taken a cab back to the place they used to share where Jennie stayed alone now. Y/n took the elevator up with Jennie who was now opening the door and as she did– “My baby boy.” Y/n cooed as Kuma ran out barking and jumping at her legs as she hadn’t seen him in four whole months. She picked him up, moving her face away as he tried to lick at her.

“I feel bad for even saying this, but he stayed every day whining by the door and waiting for you,” Jennie admitted as she stood in the door frame, removing her sneakers and pushing them aside. She looked at Y/n who was crouched on the floor with the dog going crazy in her arms. The little puppy they had gotten together because they had still been young and wanted some kind of family together.

“I am so sorry, Kuma.” She apologised, feeling almost just as bad for leaving him as she did with Jennie.

Jennie bit her lower lip, watching the two as Y/n put him down, but he started to run around her and barked some more. Kuma wasn’t letting Y/n go, just like Jennie didn’t want to let go. “You could come in, Y/n…” She suggested and Y/n looked from the floor, a glint in her eyes as they trailed from Jennie’s legs, over her whole body before they got to her eyes.

“Nightcap?”

“Yes, just get inside.” Y/n chuckled and picked up the dog before stepping inside the familiar apartment. It was a home, it used to be at least, but what made it a home was Jennie. She slid off her shoes as Jennie walked further inside. Her feet led her to the living room that still looked the same and the other woman wasn’t there yet as she trailed to another part of the apartment. She slumped down onto the couch and put Kuma in her lap.

Her eyes landed on the marble coffee table and she leaned closer while petting the dog. She chuckled at the thought that came to her mind. “Jennie?” She called for the woman, and the sound of her light footsteps came from behind as she left the kitchen. She hummed and Y/n turned to her, taking the whiskey on the rocks that Jennie handed her. “Did you manifest this?” She questioned and looked back down at the Polaroid photo of her right by the candles.

Jennie groaned at that as she saw how it looked. “No! I did not. I like candles and it just happened that I left it there before leaving the apartment.” She explained in her defence. The photo had been behind her phone case for all those months until she left today with the plan to hook up with someone. God forbid one of her friends would see her still carrying that picture after she purposely made Y/n look like she was a jerk behind closed doors—she wasn’t. Now it was lying by the candles and looked like she had been sitting and manifesting all of this.

“So, I’m the only one?” Y/n questioned as she took out her phone and placed it upside down on the coffee table. A polaroid of Jennie in the case and she took a sip of the cold hard liquor while glancing at Jennie who walked around to sit on the couch. The jacket she got to borrow was discarded as she left it in the kitchen just to make sure that Y/n would forget it.

She rolled her eyes and pulled her knees up to her chest before taking a sip of the golden brown liquid that hit her taste buds. It made her somewhat wince as she was always between liking and hating whiskey depending on the brand. “First of all, I took it out today, second, I'm not obliged to carry it around,” Y/n gave her a look as she knew that Jennie was trying to get on her nerves. She loved playing those little games where Y/n would piss her off and she’d do it back. Part of why she told her friends things that weren’t true.

Jennie loved being petty like that and was getting back at Y/n right now.

“So, you’re not going to put it back?” She questioned, taking sips from the crystal whiskey glass, the ice clanked around in their glasses while they looked at each other.

“Nope, it would get in the way, wouldn’t it?” Y/n helped Kuma down on the floor before she reached back for her phone. Jennie watched the girl with intensity and felt something boil in her when she saw Y/n open her case. “What’re you doing?” She seriously asked. Through the months just the thoughts of Y/n seeing someone else made Jennie kick and scream in emotions that were green and red. She was ready to pay people to stay away from her and hire people to pull every person Y/n would try to be with apart.

“Your picture will get in the way.” She shrugged, quickly taking yet another sip of the whiskey and putting the glass down. It let her use both her hands and Jennie found herself placing her glass down too. It was boiling inside Jennie and she wanted to strangle Y/n for even uttering those words.

“No, you don’t get to do that.” Her tone went into that angry one that Y/n knew. Not angry even, emotions she only felt when it came to Y/n who she couldn’t stand thinking about being with anyone but her. She would be jealous, she’d die in jealousy, she lost it when she saw Y/n being approached by women who had clear intentions of flirting–she knew that Y/n at times gave in to the flirting just to see Jennie jealous and angry.

“I think I do if I want to find someone to hook up with–” Jennie clenched her jaw and moved onto her knees as she faced Y/n. She tried to reach for her phone but the girl held it away from her, making Jennie crawl to get closer and try to reach for it. “Weren’t those your intentions tonight when you went out and took out my picture? Oh, I clearly remember what Lisa said in that bathroom.”

“Stop that.” Jennie snapped as Y/n was reaching to remove the polaroid. It made Jennie grab hold of her arm with both hands and tackle it down onto the couch.

“You little bitch.” Y/n grumbled as Jennie snatched the phone out of her hold, lying across her lap. She tried to reach for it with her right hand since Jennie was lying with her upper body on her left one. The kitten bit Y/n’s hand when she tried to take it, busy adjusting the picture so it would be back in place. She hissed and pulled away to see a bite mark on her skin right under the knuckle of her thumb.

“Hey!” Y/n exclaimed.

“Hey.” Jennie mocked and tried to open Y/n’s phone only for her face ID to not work. She gasped as her face ID had been removed, she tried the pin, but it wasn’t working either.

“Jennie.”

“Give me my phone before you block it.”

“Give me my phone before you block it. Who do you have on here that you changed your PIN and removed my face ID?” Jennie continued to push Y/n’s buttons who had been pushing hers. That brattiness came right out as she was ready to give her attitude because she couldn’t phantom that Y/n had done these things. Furiously, she continued to guess the pin with all the important dates and numbers Y/n liked.

“I told you something.” Y/n tried to reach for it again while trying to wiggle out her other hand that Jennie had in a death grip. It only got smacked away.

“I told you something. How ‘bout you do something about it?” Jennie pushed and looked over her shoulder with a frown to ask about the pincode. “What’s–Ahh, Y/n.” She whined when the palm collided against her ass making her squirm at the pain. Jennie had almost forgotten about how horny she had been until that pain shot to her clit instead. She felt somewhat embarrassed and her head fell as she kicked her feet with another whine. It was so unexpected that she had no clue how to react or feel.

“Stop being a pain in the ass.”

It went silent and Y/n waited for what Jennie would say or do. That smack just came naturally and she hadn’t controlled it. Whether Jennie was pissed or not, that spanking wasn’t something she could take responsibility for when Jennie worked her nerves so well.

“Stop being a pain in the ass.” She mocked once again, imitating Y/n who groaned. The little giggle that came from Jennie who lifted her head didn’t go unnoticed.

“Are you laughing?”

“Are you laughing?” Jennie knew exactly how much Y/n hated it when she would imitate her without an end. The thoughts made her lift her ass slightly, wriggling in Y/n’s lap as she pushed it out. There was a tension between her legs and she wanted it gone.

“You’re so annoying.”

“You’re so annoying. Cry about it, Y/n.” She hissed at the girl. It was soon followed by something that was between a groan and a moan as Y/n spanked her ass once more which made Jennie raise her hips and writhe into the couch cushion. That sensation made her cunt throb and slowly start leaking as she clenched her thighs for some relief. It was hard to control as her ass purposely tried to invite Y/n for more as it was turning her on.

“Tell me what it is, Jennie. Why do you need this?” Y/n questioned and looked at Jennie who was still clutching the phone. She huffed and lifted her head, looking over her shoulder and at Y/n. A little smile on her lips, one that was mischievous.

“I did some things you wouldn’t be happy about–been a very bad girl.”

Y/n gripped at the underside of her thigh just under her ass, squeezing it and making Jennie squirm at how ticklish it was on her sensitive thighs.

“You have?” Jennie bit her lower lip and nodded her head.

“What did you do?”

Jennie purposely lifted her hips and arched her back, being on her knees with her hands stretched out in front of her, chest pressing into the couch. She let go of the phone, Y/n’s eyes on the ass that was in the air and she moved her hand up to it. The kitten jutted her lower lip out in feigned despair. “I’ve been out the whole night looking for someone who would fuck my needy little pussy because the toys haven’t been able to satisfy me…” She looked even sadder now as if she's been having the hardest time of her life because of these things and what she said after seemed to be even more devastating for her. “There hasn’t been any cum in me for so long, no one to fill me, breed me, no cum for me to clean up–I’ve been feeling so useless and empty.” She mumbled, with tears brimming in her eyes.

“So, it’s not my fault for looking for someone to do it,” Jennie added in her defence. The heat shot right to her clit again, her ass burned in the best way possible as she could only moan when Y/n spanked her again.

“Y/n, it’s not fair!” She cried out despite enjoying it. The latter was growing hard, thinking about Jennie’s snug and pink pussy that she’s missed being inside of. The one she missed abusing, filling with cum, if not her other holes. Jennie loved it all, she especially loved cleaning up the cum that leaked out of her after.

“How is it not fair? I’m not the one who's been walking around like I’m in heat and looking for strangers to fuck me.” Her hand ran over Jennie’s inner thighs before she made it to the girl’s pussy which was covered by the black cargo pants. It was enough to make Jennie whine and try to rub her throbbing cunt against the hand that cupped her heat. Y/n’s other hand stroked along Jennie’s bare spine which was warm and arched to show off her ridges.

“It’s my birthday.” Jennie slyly pointed out.

“I’m supposed to give in because of that? Give you a free pass?” Y/n asked, gently rubbing Jennie’s clothed cunt. The girl desperately tried to push her hips more into the hand that removed pressure every time she tried. It was keeping her on the edge as she pathetically continued to try and hump at Y/n's hand.

“Yes. Please creampie my pink and tight little pussy and make me a mommy tonight.” The erection was now straining against Y/n’s jeans as the offer was one she did not want to pass on despite it giving Jennie a free pass. Her brain cells reasoned with each other, agreeing on it being Jennie’s birthday even if it was past 12, but it didn’t count until they went to sleep and woke up. Her eyes gazed into Y/n’s, practically daring her to do it.

“Get up,” never in her life had Y/n seen Jennie get up so fast. The girl always liked to take her time simply because she wanted to or because she wanted to annoy Y/n. The giggly and horny Jennie ran towards the bedroom with Y/n taking long strides right after her.

The bedroom was also the same with Jennie on the bed unzipping her pants. “Hey, hey, slow down,” Y/n complained and the feline pouted when her hands were pushed away from the fly of her cargo pants.

“I’m so horny though.”

“I can tell that much,” Y/n commented with her hands pulling Jennie up to sit. Her arms wrapped around Y/n’s shoulders and she pulled her down, hands gripped at her waist and she got her breath taken away. Jennie melted and healed when she finally had Y/n’s lips against hers again. She didn’t want to wait when she tilted her head and opened her mouth for the tongue to push against her. It tasted of whiskey, it was just as intoxicating and was washing over her body, injecting itself deep within her veins.

One person could only satisfy the other.

Jennie couldn’t even satisfy herself when she was horny. Y/n knew just how to eat her out, stuff her with cock, fuck her, make her orgasm and beg for more.

She swallowed Y/n’s tongue, sucking on it and the girl groaned when Jennie’s hand came down from her shoulder and rubbed at her cock through the pants. It was making Jennie’s clit throb painfully, just feeling Y/n’s cock was making her try to clench her thighs that Y/n stood between. Both her hands went to the bulge, rubbing at the outline while undoing the zipper with her other while Y/n threaded her fingers through Jennie’s hair.

“Please, please–” Y/n cut Jennie off who pulled away and was about to plead for her to start fucking her.

“I will, but you have to show off for me first.” She pried Jennie’s hands away from the hem of her jeans and pulled her up onto her feet. “I know it’s your birthday, but you said yourself that you were a bad girl, so this is the least you can do.” Y/n ushered and smiled at Jennie as the girl squinted her eyes.

The girl was determined to show Y/n exactly what she walked out from. Her eyes were laced with seductiveness even if the girl was stalling her orgasm. The girl reached into the pocket of her pants and took out her phone, Y/n smiled bigger and leaned back against her palms as the smart home speakers started to play Champagne by The Weeknd . Jennie turned around and tossed her phone onto the dresser.

Her eyes watched Jennie’s every move and her fingers grabbed hold of the small piece that was tied at her side to hold the shirt against her body. She pulled it, slowly, Y/n’s eyes stuck on the slim back and just watching her was enough to make Y/n’s chest heave even more. Jennie undid it, her hands running over her body, tugging up the open-back shirt with her before letting go as it fell back down. Y/n waited in anticipation, almost regretting it as she couldn’t wait for Jennie to remove the shirt and turn so she could see her chest.

Her body gently moved to the music, her fingers ran over her arm and over to the one strap before she gently tugged it down. The other hand ran under her shirt towards the other strap. She made sure to let out a light hum to let Y/n know that she ran over her breast before she reached the strap. Jennie slid them down her shoulders, the shirt fell with a soft thud to the floor.

She had yet to turn around though.

Instead, she finished undoing her pants and proceeded to bend over with her fingers hooked around the hem. It couldn’t have gone slower, the way she slowly started to pull them down her ass, revealing more and more of the flesh and lacy material of her black cheeky underwear. They went up her ass as she got the pants under her cheeks. Her ass was plump and pushed right out with her puffy pussy, the woman’s back arched and her eyes coming to peek over her shoulder. Her feline eyes were clouded by lust and she looked back in front of her as Y/n looked hypnotised.

She pulled them further down, revealing her creamy thighs inch by inch while making sure to show off how agile she was by slowly bending herself in half. It wasn’t until they were resting by her calves that Jennie started to get down on her knees to the music. The girl was holding back from dragging Jennie to bed now. She got on her knees, her back straight and showing off her perfect posture as she slid into a side-sitting position with her legs on one side (left), the pants fully discarded now. Her hand came over behind her and dragged her hair to one side of her shoulder, looking to the side while doing so. The movements were soft.

She moved her legs further, taking them in front of her and spreading them open. Her palms planted behind her and slowly slid against the rug, reclining herself back. It was hypnotising, her chest at last coming into view, more and more until she was lying on her back. Jennie loved showing off her body, especially to Y/n and no one else. Her body was just for Y/n and whether it was her birthday or not, a striptease was just as satisfying to her as it was to Y/n. (She was also aware that she had to pay for what she did when trying to look for someone else.)

She couldn’t begin to explain how much her clit started to throb when she caught the look on Y/n’s face. The wetness was gushing as she loved being admired by Y/n. It was almost enough to get off for Jennie. Her hand came between her legs, her hips moved in a fluid wave like motion when she whined them into the fingers that brushed over the slick material, fingers threading into the rug as her eyes closed. She continued to run her hand up her body, fingers feather-likely running over her skin which made her chest heave and body move. A soft moan slipped past her lips when she brushed over her nipple until she reached her throat.

Jennie was quick and agile in the way she smoothly turned from her back and onto her stomach. Her eyes were almost predatory the way she looked up at Y/n while slowly pushing herself up, ass coming up first with hands stretched out in front of her until she pushed herself forward and was standing on all fours.

Slowly she crawled the small distance like a cat over to Y/n, her hips moving, her back still arched. Jennie reached the girl and got on her knees while looking at her through her lashes, her hands grabbed hold of Y/n’s knees, pulling her legs apart to get between them. In one smooth motion, like waves, she slid up, getting on her feet and coming face to face with Y/n, her hands holding onto Y/n’s shoulders.

“Am I excused for being bad?” Jennie questioned, her chest heaving, as if she ran a marathon, but the arousal was just getting overwhelming. She could feel how sticky it was between her legs, everything spilling and smearing on her inner thighs. The underwear piece was ruined. Y/n licked her lips and grabbed her hips, looking down at Jennie’s chest, her nipples perky, her breasts plump.

“More than excused—you deserve to not only get your pussy stuffed but also eaten.” There was that vocal fry in Y/n’s voice that Jennie knew so well. It meant that she would get her pussy messily devoured. She squealed when Y/n got up and put Jennie on the bed, she pushed her back and leaned down. Fingers threaded into her hair when she attached her lips to Jennie’s chest first.

It was eliciting small whines and gasps, the tongue swirling her nipple, teeth gently tugging, the other being roughly groped the way she liked it. Y/n wrapped her mouth around as much soft flesh as possible and sucked before licking. Jennie’s hips were pathetically bucking at the heat that was bubbling in her stomach because of it. “Y/n!” She cried out at the way her nipple was pinched between Y/n’s fingers, the girl tugged on the bud after and started to kiss down to Jennie’s cleavage.

“Please, I promise, I taste so good,” Jennie begged as Y/n was kissing down her stomach. The kitten squirmed when her nipple got flicked, the bud more swollen and red now as Y/n had abused the sensitive nub that was stiff.

“Have you been cleaning up your messes lately?” Y/n asked with a smirk, glancing up at Jennie who had her head thrown back with her back arching, hips desperately pushing into Y/n. She whined, not wanting to answer the embarrassing question as she had been feral trying to fuck herself right only to make a mess but not orgasm hard enough. This time she cried, slightly kicking her feet when Y/n twisted the same nipple again.

“Answer, Jen.”

“I lick my fingers clean because they get so messy.” She admitted in a whine, her cheeks even more flushed as it was now just flowing out of her. Jennie always got so wet, and someone had to clean it after. Y/n was well aware of how Jennie would always leak with juices. The videos she’d send of playing with her pink pussy when Y/n wasn’t there to eat her out, making sure to show how she would lick up the sticky mess of her fingers after getting as much as possible on them. She loved sucking Y/n’s cock, especially to have cum shoot into her mouth that she’d swallow.

“You want me to taste you?” Y/n continued to tease as she was on her knees and Jennie pushed herself up. A look of desperation on her face, tears welling in her eyes as it was hurting now. “Yes.” She watched Y/n who hooked her fingers around her underwear and she started to tug them down. They clung to her wet cunt, pulling a sticky mess with them as Y/n peeled them off and dropped the ruined material on the floor.

“All for you.” Jennie surely invited the girl who was on her knees in front of her by spreading her legs, her hand coming in between her legs. She bit her lower lip as Y/n watched her use her fingers to spread her glistening and puffy folds. Her hole was clenching in greediness as her arousal was slowly leaking out of it, running down her ass and onto the sheets. She ran them over to her clit, showing the swollen bud by pulling back the hood. Y/n smiled and gently removed Jennie’s fingers as she had shown off her cunt enough.

The girl waiting, finally in the only suitable outfit on a day like this, in her birthday suit.

“I will make sure to take it all.” Y/n reassured her and Jennie’s hand gripped onto her hair while Y/n moved Jennie’s leg to wrap it around her shoulder. The girl groaned as Jennie forcefully pulled on her hair and shoved her face fully into her cunt. She gasped, squirming and grinding her hips into Y/n’s face when she licked right up along her slit, tongue spreading her lips. The taste washed over Y/n’s tongue, it was addicting and she moved back down, her tongue flat against the heat as she licked up from the sopping hole, bringing it all up to her clit.

Jennie’s lips stayed apart, breaths desperate and the sounds falling from between them as she couldn’t control it neither could she control the squirming into Y/n’s face. “Fuck, Y/n–more, I want more,” she whined, her eyes falling closed and her back hit the mattress as she couldn’t hold herself up.

Y/n sucked onto her outer lips, sucking them in and teasing with her tongue, dipping down and nudging the grasping hole with her tongue, swirling it which made Jennie gasp and writhe for more. However, she would feel bad if she teased Jennie for too long as the girl had been all ready since they entered the bedroom. Her hand gripped Jennie’s hip to ground them and control their whining as they weren’t controlled by the nymphomaniac that Jennie was.

“Oh God, I’ve missed you so much, the way you fuck me.” Jennie cried out when lips wrapped around her clit, the tongue firmly flicking at it at a perfect angle. Y/n ran her other hand over to Jennie’s hole, her one finger teasing around the hole while she continued to flick at her clit. Her tongue moved quickly, harshly flicking back and forth as it always made Jennie’s thighs quiver, trying to close around her head and leave the girl unsure of what to grip onto or how to act.

Her juices were smearing over her chin, running down and creating a mess and Y/n couldn’t help but dip down for more. The pleasure didn’t stop for Jennie who gyrated her hips into Y/n’s nose while the girl lapped at her hole, gathering the stickiness on her tongue before bringing it back up. She swirled around her clit before she wrapped her lips around it and suckled hard enough for Jennie to moan louder and arch her back off of the mattress. The birthday girl had always been vocal and sensitive to all touch when it came to Y/n. She was quite sure it was because of how many chemicals her body released around her, the oxytocin overflowing.

With ease, Y/n pushed two fingers into Jennie who sucked them in right away. Her walls were warm and throbbing, continuously clenching around the two slender fingers that started to push into her. “So close, I want it,” Jennie mumbled, a few coherent words coming from her now and then as she was lost in the firm and slick muscle that worked her swollen and pulsating clit while fingers pressed against her g-spot. She could feel it coming, the way her stomach started to drop and heat up.

“How bad do you want it?” Y/n gruffly questioned by pulling away for a split second before going right back.

“So bad, I will cry if I don’t get it–play with my pussy until it hurts. All yours.” The words flew out of her blabbering mouth, gasping and falling out of breath. She had been longing for more than Y/n and her love, but this type of love too.

“I love it, you fuck me so good with your tongue. Oh God–” Her chest heaved, her fingers tangling themselves in Y/n’s hair who groaned at the pain while eating at Jennie’s cunt. The mess ran down her chin, down Jennie’s ass, staining the sheets. The sounds were lewd, Jennie moaning, gasping, and whining, and the way Y/n was eating her pussy was making the wet sounds bounce off the walls in the room from the licking and sucking. The younger let out her moans and groans at how much she enjoyed having Jennie squirm while eating her out.

Her thighs shook while clenching around Y/n, her voice strained, her body spasming as she arched off the bed with her hips bucking into Y/n. Jennie lost control of her voice, cries flying out as everything disappeared, her ears ringing and her vision dying out. Her hand flew to her breast, grabbing hold of it as she had no clue where else to grasp. Her walls clasped around Y/n’s fingers, thudding around them as the orgasm crashed through her. It went on for a good few seconds as Y/n didn’t stop and continued to flick at her bud.

It wasn’t until Jennie was panting for breath and instead of pulling her into her pussy she was pulling her away that Y/n stopped. She slowed down, gently cleaning up the mess that Jennie’s cunt was, the girl wriggling under her from the kittenish licks lapping up the juices. Her body relaxed at last, slumping into the mattress and closing her eyes, her pussy palpitating from aftershocks.

“No…” She whined, convulsing and closing her legs with her hands flying between them as Y/n was no longer between them. A heat ran over her at the painful slap that landed against her swollen pussy, the sound wet and harsh.

“Don’t you want my cock too?” Y/n questioned and the girl opened her eyes, looking at Y/n who was using her black sweatshirt to wipe at her chin and mouth. It made her pussy clench at how it was missing Y/n.

“I do.” She dragged out and pulled herself up, her hands grasping at Y/n’s sweatshirt and pulling it up. The latter helped her by fully pulling it over her head and discarding it to the floor with kittenish hands pawing at her slim stomach before they dropped to her pants. Although Jennie didn’t pull them down, she instead moved onto her knees. “Hurry up, my pussy is waiting for your cum, baby.” She purred out while turning around and getting on all fours, showing off her ass and dripping pussy while looking over her shoulder at Y/n. Her ass pushed out for Y/n as she arched her back to further the invite.

“You’re so bad.” Y/n groaned and fully undid her pants, letting them pool around her ankles before she kicked them to the side with her boxers. Jennie bit her lower lip, eyeing the thick and long member, the tip bulbous and red, leaking with precum, the long vein dragged on the underside and Y/n’s slim and veiny hand came over to it. She stroked herself, her other hand caressing the plump outline of Jennie’s ass who only pushed more into her.

“Such a bad girl after not getting my attitude fucked out of me…I get so mean when I don’t have your cum stuffing my pussy.” Jennie agreed, drawing her words out while lowering herself until her chest pressed against the mattress.

“I need–” Jennie stopped Y/n who was about to get to the bedside drawer where she knew condoms were. They always hit it raw, but she wasn’t sure if Jennie had continued with her birth control after four months of being alone.

“No condom,” it wasn’t an ask, but more so a demand. Y/n didn’t mind condoms while Jennie hated them.

“You’re on birth control,” Y/n concluded and went right back to place, guiding her tip between Jennie’s folds who let her head drop at the feeling that sent shivers through her spine.

She bit her lower lip, forcing the smile to not get too big as she couldn’t wait longer as she confirmed Y/n’s conclusion. “Yes.” A sigh followed when the stretch came, Y/n’s tip pushing inside her, spreading her open, splitting her folds and disappearing into her sopping and snug heat. It was squeezing her cock as a moan slipped from her mouth. The warmth of Jennie was so familiar, it was leaving her cock to throb the further she slipped inside the confines of her pink cunt.

The brunette whined, her insides twisting at how good it felt, the cock too big for her smaller body as it was always a tight fit and a big stretch for her to take the girl behind her. Y/n stopped as her pelvis met Jennie’s ass, filling her to the hilt with her hands gripping Jennie’s hips. Her lips parted at the feeling as she stalled any movement and got lost for a second in just the feeling of having Jennie around her.

However, Jennie wasn’t nearly as patient. “Are you going to fuck me or act like a virgin who wet their dick for the first time?” It brought Y/n right out of her drowning thoughts at the rude tone of Jennie who sounded annoyed.

“What?” She breathed out.

“Fuck me or I will find someone else to do it.” Jennie loved digging her own grave. At least she got buried with her back being blown.

“Who else will fuck you this good?” Y/n didn’t wait for an answer as she pulled out almost fully before Jennie was sent flying forward when she slammed her hips back against hers. It drew gasps and moans from Jennie as Y/n proceeded with the deep and hard thrusts. The thick cock dragged along her tight walls, and the wet and squelching noises got louder as Jennie's pussy was a mess. Y/n’s pelvis slapped against Jennie’s ass and started to fill in with moans, groans, whimpers, and gasps. All occupying the room.

Jennie bunched up the sheets in her fists, her face buried in them. She could feel the curved tip abusing her g-spot as it continuously dragged along the soft and spongy spot in her. The cock was hitting deep in her, filling her and hitting the right spots that she wasn’t even able to hit when fucking herself with all kinds of toys.

Her moans were erotic, they fueled Y/n on who was going carnal as Jennie’s pussy, body, voice, and everything else always had that effect. The brunette's hips started to meet Y/n’s thrust, clenching and helping her drag her cock in her pussy.

“Fuck, your cock is so big, it hurts so good.” Jennie moaned as the pain always mixed with the pleasure.

Y/n huffed, biting her lower lip as she moved one hand and landed its palm against Jennie’s ass since the girl was pushing it out for her so much. It was followed by a mewl from the birthday girl.

“Are you going to take all my cum?” Y/n groaned out, the answer taking a second too long and earning Jennie’s bright red ass cheek another spank. The heat only shot right to her clit and she couldn’t feel embarrassed about it as she loved every second of it. “Everything, I’m going to keep it all inside and be a mommy,” Jennie whined, the words only made her clench more as her own words fueled her.

“You look so good with cock in you, your slutty pussy takes it so well.” Y/n complimented, her eyes falling on where her hard cock was disappearing. The wetness was running down Jennie’s thighs, and her pink folds spread because of the cock that was drilling into her cunt which was growing sore. She was sucking Y/n in, doing everything to milk her and get her cum as she forgot about wanting to orgasm. All she wanted was to be creampied and keep it all inside for as long as possible because it made her feel full.

“Only you can play with it so well, fuck it until it hurts–your cocksleeve, for you to warm in and empty into.”

“You love being used.” Y/n threw her head back, her fingers digging into the flesh of Jennie’s ass and hips. The thrusts were hard, the bed squeaking with every stroke inside the snug sleeve that Jennie was for her cock. The smaller girl moved with each thrust that was throwing her forward, making her grip harder to stay in place.

“Yes, yes, yes.” Jennie spewed out, the tension in her stomach started to grow and Y/n could feel how much tighter her walls started to get around her. Her hand dropped from Jennie’s ass and went right under her, pushing onto her lower belly, able to feel herself bulge the small brunette's stomach. It was making Jennie dizzy, the pressure grew and she was getting sent right back into floating.

“I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come so hard around your cock, Y/n.” Jennie cried out, writhing in the sheets as she pulled on them with her hands. Her jaw fell slack, the moans going up in pitch and the heat flashed over her, the cries slowly coming in breathless as the control was lost and she couldn’t tell what was going on.

Y/n continued to pound her, the tension slowly easing from Jennie, although her mind remained clouded. Her body was warm and covered in a sheet of sweat. “I’m so close.” Y/n groaned, her tip twitching.

Jennie could feel the cock grow harder in her. “Fuck, breed my cunt, Y/n–shoot it into my womb.” She intentionally clenched her walls and Y/n’s hips stuttered, Jennie, pushing her ass flush against her to get it all shot deep in her. It filled her even more, Y/n and Jennie both moaning. Rope after rope of thick and creamy cum painted her walls white, making her hum at how good it felt to be filled so well again.

“So good,” Y/n mumbled, her body collapsing onto Jennie’s who slumped down on her stomach. Her chest heaved as she peppered kisses along Jennie’s warm shoulder. The kitten hid her face in the sheets, the cock growing limp in her throbbing cunt as she tried to get back on a normal breathing pattern.

“Happy birthday, Jennie.” She let out a breathless chuckle and Y/n slowly pushed herself up.

“It’s not my birthday anymore.” The brunette mumbled, turning onto her back and raising her knees, trying her best to keep the cum within her walls. Her soft eyes fell onto Y/n, dreading it as she was scared that she would leave. The night was over, and so was her birthday.

“It’s the 16th until you go to sleep.” Y/n reminded her and she smiled, biting her lower lip while Y/n reached for her boxers, pulling them back on.

“Y/n…” The latter looked up at Jennie who was already looking at her. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. “Please don’t leave.” She mumbled.

“Jennie–” She cut Y/n off right away.

“Please, even if it’s just for the night.” She begged and Y/n chuckled

“Why on earth would I leave?” She questioned, baffled that Jennie thought she would just leave her, especially after having sex. Maybe they said it during sex, but she would never just use Jennie and leave her behind after.

Jennie felt a weight fall off of her, there was a lightness in her chest. She at times hated how sensitive she was as her lower lip jutted out and her breathing picked up to hold her tears back. Y/n heaved a sigh and got on the bed, with ease she pulled Jennie’s limp body with her as she kicked the duvet down before pulling it over them. The girl hugged around Y/n’s slim waist, burying her face in her shoulder as she couldn’t help but cry.

“Will you leave tomorrow?” She asked through her tears. The younger clicked her tongue and ran her fingers through Jennie’s hair. The both of them drowned in the warmth they shared.

“Do you want me to?” She had a good feeling that Jennie did not want her to leave. She wouldn’t be crying otherwise. Y/n was right as Jennie shook her head, tightening her grip around her to make sure that she would stay. It made her pull her small body closer to her and she kissed the top of her head.

“If you want…” Y/n trailed off and Jennie lifted her head, her eyes exhausted and filled with tears. Y/n wiped her cheeks with the pad of her palm before she leaned in and kissed her forehead. “I could stay forever.” She suggested and Jennie closed the little gap between them. This time the kiss was soft, neither of them wanting it to rush into anything else than the adoration and love they still and always would have for each other.

“Yes, please.” She mumbled and Y/n smiled against her lips, pecking them.

“I love you, Jennie.” To hear those words again healed all those empty and torn parts in her. They were eager to say them again and wanted to say them a million times more to make up for all the four months that they hadn't said them.

“I love you, Y/n…” She cleared her throat and looked down a little guiltily and Y/n hummed confused. Jennie mumbled something under her breath, her eyes avoiding Y/n’s as she lay in her arms.

“You have to stop mumbling.” Y/n seriously said as the guilty look on Jennie’s face was starting to worry her. She sighed at that and lastly spoke up.

“I’m not actually on any birth control,” Jennie admitted as she had lied. She didn’t care when she hadn’t been sure if Y/n would have stayed. If she had to force Y/n to get back together then she would do so by trapping her. It only made sense to try and get pregnant if she was ovulating and wanted nothing more than Y/n to stay and to have a baby with her.

“You’re evil,” Y/n whispered and Jennie gave her a haughty little smile, showing that she wasn’t as guilty as she pretended to be.

“I don’t care, I only want you.” She pecked Y/n’s lips before she laid her head on her shoulder, nuzzling her face in her neck, drowning in the comforting scent of home that Y/n was to her.

“I only want you too, Jen.” She couldn’t find it in herself to be angry with the kitten. Y/n loved her too much and neither would she mind having kids with her. All she did was pull her closer and hug her, holding her in a way that would lull Jennie right to sleep and at last let her wake up well-rested after so many bad nights of sleep and crying.

“Start preparing to be a parent and do not forget the ring before I get pregnant.” Jennie pointed out and lifted her left hand, showing the empty fingers to Y/n who leaned in and pecked her ring finger. She giggled when Y/n gently bit it and she quickly hid it after.

“Don’t worry about any of it, I still want to marry you and have a family.”

Jennie’s wish did come true once again.

#blackpink smut #jennie smut #jennie x reader #smut #jennie x g!p reader #girl group smut #fanfic #oneshot #fluff #smut with plot #Spotify

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reddesires · 6 months ago

Note

hey, would you be down to write some Koba head cannons for if he reunited with the woman who cared for him for a short time when both of them were little, kinda like Caesar and Will except Koba was taken from reader and that’s when he got put in the labs and abused and all that. But years later while he’s hunting with Caeser or Caesar welcomes reader into the colony since they needed help and Koba recognizes them since they kinda raised him and pretty much the only human he’s ever met who was kind for him

Platonic please, may you also include Koba later getting Jealous if Reader interacts with any other ape

I’m so sorry of this is like too much for a request this is literally one of my first time requesting things on peoples pages and I have no clue how to go about these things 😭😭

Koba x Human!Reader [Platonic Headcanons]

Fandom: Planet Of The Apes

Rating: No Warning.

A/N: Here you go lovely, I appreciate being the one to writing your first request. I hope you enjoy it ❤️

(Primatologists are people who study primates, including apes, in their natural habitats)

•You were a primatologist who helped rehabilitate Koba when he was small, his mother had passed away and was refused by the other bonobos since they had babies of their own.

•You had a bond with koba unlike any other, he clung to you like you were his mother despite there being others that looked after him too. After seeing his distress of being apart from you, you took sole responsibility of the small bonobo.

•He became the light in your eyes. You would coo at him in a gentle tone as his small hands tenderly touched your face in fascination. This small creature captured your heart, and his eyes were your favorite feature of his. The intelligence and unconditional love he held for you became your source of motivation.

•the devastation of being separated from him after there was a financial cutoff for your program was like a punch to the stomach. he wasn't yours but he was in all the ways that truly mattered, you became his surrogate mother and you knew that getting feelings involved would complicate things but he needed you and loved you and felt the same.

•"NO! Please! Don't take him, I'm begging you!" You pleaded and begged. You just knew that if they took him away, you may never see him again. All you wanted was for him live the life he was supposed to, amongst his own kind but in the end they took him from your arms as your pleas' mixed with koba's cries, his tiny hands reaching out for you and your own hand reached out in desperation "Koba!".

•You searched for him for many years, making connections and reaching out to sources, but it always led to a dead-end, but you couldn't give up. You felt immense guilt, and you still carried so much love for him that helped you hold onto hope that you'll be reunited with the bonobo that you raised.

•One of your sources gave you info that one of the last times they heard of the group of apes that came from your program was when they were sold to a corporation for testing purposes in a lab, the doom you felt catapulted into you with such force that you felt your heart break into a million tiny pieces. You had no way of knowing which corporation and the location and it's been so long that you knew the damage was done and there wasn't a damn thing you can do, the shame you carried was an overbearing force as you came to terms. You were working in the San Francisco zoo as the up until the simian virus ravaged the human population, leading you back to the bonobo you were looking for.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

•You had found refuge in the woods since other humans no longer welcomed others within their inner circles, you understood they were trying to protect themselves but you'd rather avoid the conflict entirely seeing as how scraped up you are already.

You knew of the apes within the confines of the forest but you'd rather your chances with them as you spent many years living amongst them during your primatologist years, but it was obvious their intelligence skyrocketed since then.

As you are gathering whatever resources within the area, berries being your top favorite and encapturing your attention as you're busy with your task, you start to hear slight rustling to the left of you.

You tilt your head only slightly, seeing two dark figures in your peripheral, you knew better than to react abruptly so you slowly straighten yourself out facing them your hands up in surrender to show you mean no harm. The two are cautious in their steps as they fully come out of the brush. It's a chimpanzee and Bonobo you observed.

The Bonobo has a defensive stance, a spear at ready and a snarl crossed on his muzzle and the chimp has a hardened scowl on his face and you feel a chill trail down your spine at his green stare but the primatologist in you tells you not to stare him in the eye.

"I mean no harm..just seeking safety.." You softly say, your throbbing leg shaking as you try to balance yourself upright.

"Koba." The chimp holds his palm up in front of the bonobo, the bonobo slowly lowering the spear, his stare hard and calculated as he sizes you up but nevertheless listens to the order given.

You feel your heart stop in your chest as the word hangs in the air, and you're practically breaking at the seams. He's not only a bonobo, but his name is Koba too.. it seems too much like a coincidence to not be him.

"Koba?" You say, signing his name the way you did back when you cared for the baby bonobo. You dropped your hand against your sternum, a circular motion you would reserve only towards the small Koba.

Time seems to hold still and resume after Koba drops on all fours slowly approaching you with an unreadable expression on his face as he stands in front of you, and you notice him extending his palm out.

You remember this motion. He did it as a small one often to you. He was expecting you to respond accordingly so you do. Your fingers slide across his palm.

It was you, after all. His mother.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

Bonus ending:

You were welcomed by Caesar into the colony after the revelation of your connection to Koba, you were in disbelief of finally getting reunited with your little bonobo and though he was different than what you remember you can still see remnants of the old him.

You came forward to Caesar with your knowledge of rehabilitation to help the other apes in the colony and heal their ailments, he accepted your helping hand concluding that you were now a valuable member of the colony due to your extensive experience and abilities.

Koba was very protective of you and he was in a way jealous of your attention to the other apes, after years of being separated and missing your motherly guidance you were the only human that'll he'll ever hold a torch for.

A growl rumbled from his chest as he watched a male chimp get too close to you for his liking. "Koba, be nice to the others."

"Hmpf."

#koba x human reader #koba x reader #planet of apes x reader #planet of the apes #pota #reader insert #fanfic #fanfiction

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cozy-cinnamon-roll · 9 months ago

Text

Stitches (Part II)

(Read Part I Here! used to be We Interrupt This Broadcast... changed the name because I feel like this fits better 😅)

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Pairing: Ler!Rosie, Ler!OC, Lee!Alastor (strictly platonic)

Content/Trigger Warnings: tickling, very brief blood mention, medical themes (non-graphic & painless). And again, this is set right after Alastor gets his ass handed to him by Adam, so you can expect some angst (don't worry, he gets better).

If there are any trigger warnings you'd like me to add in the future (and/or to this fic), PLEASE let me know! I am always happy to oblige. 💕

This is a ticklefic! If that's not your cup of tea, kindly move along.

"Almost ready" I said. "Basically finished" I said. Sorry y'all, the Chronic Illness Fairy struck. 😅 I will say this was my favorite part to write, but also the one I'm most uncertain about... bit more angst in this installment and I'm not much of an angst writer lol... but with Rosie in the mix (especially as a ler), angst never lasts long. 🥰

Also I changed the title. Hopefully it's not confusing that way... cuz without Part 1 this fic makes zero sense 😅

One last thing... I'm so happy y'all like Trudy! Was thinking about posting a lil sketch of her at some point (I need a new insomnia project now that this fic is done 😅). I've been having a truly awful few weeks on the anxiety front, so all the positive feedback on Part I has been quite literally making my days 💕

Hope you enjoy!!

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"Ooh, you stubborn little bastard. You're still gonna refuse to laugh?" Rosie mutters.

Alastor doesn't dare try to speak. All he can manage is a defiant shake of his head.

"Look, my friend. If you 'don't mind a little tickling,' and getting all giggly is your specialty…" Rosie tweaks his bottom rib, eliciting a noise that comes just short of a squeak. "What, exactly, is the problem here?"

"I'm supposed to be in control!" he grinds out through his twitching grin.

"You are in control, sir." Trudy abruptly withdraws her hands, holding them up innocently. "You can tell me to stop at any time."

Alastor cringes. He was sorta hoping no one would point that out.

"Which is why I find it so fascinating that you haven't yet." A sly smirk creeps across Rosie's face.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

"I- I'm humoring you!"

"Humoring me?" Rosie tilts her head. "My dear, I hope you're not doing this just for my sake. If you don't want Trudy to check for further injury-"

"No, I do! O-on my terms!"

"This is on your terms."

"Yes, but-"

"In fact, you insisted."

He stumbles again, before mumbling another meager, "…to humor you!"

Trudy shoots her boss a disoriented look - but Rosie, as usual, is hearing her friend loud and clear.

"Alastor." Rosie rolls her eyes, gestures for Trudy to step aside, and scoots over to place a hand on his knee. "Adam is dead. Everyone in hell thinks you're either succumbing to your wounds in some remote gutter or hiding in whatever alternate dimension you just spent the last seven years. You're not even 'on air'." She leans in. "You can drop the act for a moment, if it's what you need."

That certainly hits the mark. For the first time, Alastor's smile falters - not completely dropping, but certainly losing much of the strained quality it's had since he arrived.

"I wish I could, my dear."

Encouraged, Rosie continues. "Well, what's stopping ya? As much as I love spending time with Alastor the Radio Demon… if you wanna take this opportunity to let out whoever's underneath that effervescent grin of yours, you know we wouldn't mind."

Alastor swallows - and for the first time in a decades, Rosie finds his expression difficult to read. "Rosie, I'm afraid I can't really..."

"I mean, you've been holding that same silly show-host-smile for years! Don't tell me you've never gotten tired of it!"

"It's sewn on, Rosie."

"…What?"

He hesitates. "Let's just say today wasn't the first time I've been, ah... stitched up." As he speaks, he gestures to his toothy grin. And for once, there's not a trace of distortion in his voice.

Rosie's dark eyes go wide when she realizes what he means. The cannibal overlord just stands there for a beat, in an uncharacteristic moment of shock.

But, being Rosie, she quickly recovers. "Well, so what?"

"I'm just saying, I'm afraid I can't really drop the act."

"Nonsense! Since when has your act had anything to do with your face?" Rosie flicks her hand, as if brushing the thought aside. "Who cares if you can't show genuine Alastor. I wanna hear him."

"But my microphone..."

"You're doing just fine without it."

Once again, this attempt at reassurance only makes Alastor look more disturbed. "Th-this can't be me!"

"...Well, no. This right here sure isn't the Alastor I know. But…"

Alastor is barely listening to her anymore. His broadcast persona has been his sole identity since he was alive. Now his radio tower has been reduced to rubble, his microphone snapped clean in half, even his carefully-styled clothing left in tatters…

If this is the Genuine Alastor he's now stuck with - panicked, stuttering, weak - he can't imagine how he'll ever be able to face the rest of hell…

But these racing thoughts are once again interrupted by nails tracing up his sides. A sharp yelp cuts the air as poor Alastor just about jumps out of his skin.

"…Perhaps I can offer a little help?" Rosie suggests gently, once she has his undivided (and adorably flustered) attention. "On your terms, of course?"

Alastor just gazes back at her for a long moment. "What do you have in mind?"

"I happen to know something about you that even you can't fake."

The radio demon hesitates… before heaving a sigh and, to Rosie's surprise, giving a small nod of consent.

She breaks into a brilliant (and frankly terrifying) smile.

Before Alastor can brace himself, Rosie's hands have both found his sides and begun working into his waist. Having just watched him squirm around under Trudy's thorough probing twice (and adored every second of it), she already has a pretty good idea of where his worst spots are.

Which is made abundantly clear by Alastor's reaction. Within seconds he's gone from still trying to hold it all in by habit, to giggling into his hands, to cackling hysterically.

And it's the kind of laughter she's spent the last seven years missing. This isn't the confident, taunting chuckle he brings out for battles or brushing off rivals; this is bright, helpless, occasionally hiccuping laughter, the kind that is nearly impossible for him to stop once he starts - and the kind she only has the privilege of hearing when something truly amuses him.

"You can't sew your laughter on," Rosie reminds him. "This is all yours."

Rosie's fingers creep up under his shirt to scribble on bare tummy, adding a couple new sweet spots to her mental catalogue. This technique brings out even more of her favorite little quirks: the way he bats playfully (and completely ineffectually) at her wrists; his repeated attempts to speak around his laughter that only result in frantic spurts of incomprehensible, giggle-laced gibberish.

As she traces her nails across his lower belly she also finds a tiiiny layer of unexpected pudge. Which probably shouldn't surprise her - he's been out of the battle scene for seven years, after all. All those deer carcasses have to go somewhere.

Regardless, she finds it terribly endearing for some reason... and the surge of affection translates into a corresponding surge in the intensity of Rosie's tickles.

"AHaha! Ro- Rosie!" he blurts, his voice jumping a full octave higher than normal. "Stop!!"

Rosie removes her hands immediately. "Stop?"

"Aha- ah- well- I mean, er…" He stumbles breathlessly, and gives a sheepish cough.

"You didn't really want me to stop, did you?"

Rosie resumes with a chuckle, reeling herself in just a little. "How 'bout we say... oh... 'enough,' if you really want me to quit?"

Of course, she has to go and say it out loud.

"M-more of a reflehex..." he admits reluctantly.

Alastor tosses a shaky thumbs-up at her, already too lost in his own giggles to manage a verbal reply.

And he's gotta admit… Rosie was absolutely right. He wouldn't stop her right now for all the souls in hell. There's a reason Alastor has the most recognizable evil cackle of any other overlord. He can't help but find dissolving into laughter as cathartic and exhilarating as always - even if this time, it's not at some poor soul's misfortune. It's a result of his best friend's affection for her darling deer demon.

"As fun as getting your soft little belly is," Rosie muses, pausing to let Alastor catch his breath for a moment, "I can't help but wonder if you're ticklish anywhere else…"

Alastor may be off the air, but Rosie can practically hear the screech of microphone feedback just by the look on his face. "….I plead the fifth."

"Have you considered his ears?" Trudy pipes up shyly. While she'd managed to restrain herself behind an impeccably professional bedside manner earlier, it had taken everything in her power not to stroke Alastor's ears when she'd been close enough to do so. They were just. so. fluffy.

"Ohhh, heavens…" Alastor, for his part, curls in on himself at the mere suggestion.

Rosie grins. "Hey, 'no' is always an option."

A long pause. Alastor can't believe he's considering this. But the sensation of being tickled, as unbearable as it is, does feel awfully pleasant… and it's been so long since anyone has dared to touch him…

And what else does he have to lose at this point, anyway?

"I suppose if you're… very gentle…"

"Are you aware that your ears are the softest thing in the nine circles?"

This stipulation ends up backfiring. When it comes to his ears, gentle is worse. So, so much worse.

Poor Alastor is too busy clutching his stomach and snickering madly into his sleeve to reply.

"I should know, I work in retail. These right here-" Rosie traces her fingers down the feathery-soft edges, sending the radio demon into a new round of hysterics. "-Would fetch a pretty penny."

"They're nohot for saHA-ale!!"

"Nooo, I should say not." Rosie's hapless victim lurches back into the cushions as her fingers find the fluffy region at the base of his ears. Even without the microphone, his cackles have no problem filling the room. "You're the only demon classy enough to wear them."

"And don' you - GAHaha! - f-forget it!" He's so drunk on laughter now that he's beginning to slur his words. His careful elocution has gone the same place as his steady tone, and lack of stutter.

Luckily, he's also far too drunk on laughter to care.

...Right about there, Rosie notices that the faint hum of radio static in the air is no longer just in her head.

He is laughing his heart out for the first time in weeks. Genuinely laughing for the first time in decades. And laughing completely for himself, for his own enjoyment, without need for intimidation or control or image or audience, for the first time since long before he died.

While Trudy typically can't say much for her self-preservation instinct, she's got enough of one to feel hesitant joining her boss in tickling the most powerful overlord in hell (outside the pretense of medical intervention, at least). So she just stands back, watching fondly as The Most Dangerous Overlord This Side of the Pentagram utterly destroys the deer demon.

...At least, until she notices a flicker of green light out of the corner of her eye. Lying forgotten on the end table, the splintered ends of Alastor's microphone are sparking and crackling like live wires.

The surgeon creeps over for a closer look, staring in fascination. And then - just as Rosie gets poor Alastor behind the ears and delivers a scribble to his tummy at the same time - she ever-so-gently nudges the fractured ends closer to one another.

To her surprise, a bright green spark arcs clear across the gap. For a fraction of a second, the whole staff radiates a flash of a familiar green glow.

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"Keep him laughing, Rosie," Trudy murmurs over her shoulder. It appears the Radio Demon's downfall will be nothing more than an intermission.

Thanks for being so patient with me y'all! Hope it was worth the wait 💕

💜- Cozy

#lee!alastor #ler!rosie #ticklish!alastor #oh deer he's ticklish #hazbin hotel tickling #hazbin hotel tickles #ticklefic #dr. trudy sawblade #my ocs

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dvilsdesire · 3 months ago

Text

Some in depth character analysis... (:

This is going to get long... as I do a bit of a character analysis on Haarlep with little bits of Raphael as well. I will likely go on tangents if they come to me, so please be aware that there is likely no solid structure as I ramble!

Please note that this is ALL speculation and headcanon as there is no way of analysing a character's full potential when you only see a few moments of them in game, let alone Haarlep's relationship with Raphael when you don't even get to see them interact outside of Haarlep's small comments and end-game letter.

Know that there is also no right and no wrong, and I will be exploring both sides and "what if" scenarios. These are just some things I want to expand upon, and we are all entitled to different opinions and headcanons. That's the beauty of getting to explore and delve into characters that are given no depth to them--you can make them your own!

First and foremost, it should be noted that DnD lore on incubus has flip flopped over the editions. Where they were once strictly demons, they were then turned to devils, and now they are recognised as simply "fiends". Haarlep, in game, is a fiend, and his race is incubus. Again... be your OWN DM... do what makes you happy, that's the beauty of DnD (but also remember that Larian itself have their own set of rules and lore that they made up which may have separated them from DnD lore as well, and that's not a bad thing! The more creativity, the better imo, especially in a world like FR).

I personally write Haarlep as a devil aligned fiend who leans towards more chaotic than lawful evil, but that's just me! Toss in a little demon bloodline, especially with the Queen of Succubus, and play around a little!

Okay, let's get into Haarlep! (potentially triggering content)

I'm going to go through this in order of Haarlep's scene. There was a really neat theory that was shared HERE about how Haarlep starts off with a poem as they are introduced. Is this something that the devs simply used as trickery so we THINK it's Raphael in the bed (even though it clearly says Haarlep)?

Also note how Haarlep uses the term "Mouse", the one that Raphael has been calling the player the whole time. A coincidence? Or is this proof that Haarlep is aware of what is going on with Raphael and his potential client? Is this rhyming corruption simply from being within the HoH or something that Haarlep has picked up from via time spent with Raphael? All of these things fascinate me, because as a devil, and Raphael who is quite literally meant to symbolise the real world devil (there is a lot of symbolism with Raphael and Satan/Lucifer imo but that's not something I'll delve into here), or are they just trying to lead us into a false sense of security that this is just Raphael playing his games (despite the name on the subtitles)?

Maybe it's an outer moment of we know as the player, but our actual PC doesn't know. Which gives us the opportunity to play around a little with them, which is also cool. But the idea that Haarlep also says a little poem and speaks in such a devilish manner, is a nice little touch and a reminder OF Raphael as well.

Then, of course, the player themselves, identifies Haarlep as Raphael, despite the youthful look (I'll delve into this later).

What interests me is Haarlep's response if you actually say this. He seems amused that you'd even THINK he's Raphael, despite his obvious visage. The pride of an incubus, perhaps? Haarlep simply toying with you and making this encounter last longer by the way he speaks so slowly and playfully? Luring you in, one question and curiosity at a time.

Haarlep genuinely seems interested in WHY you are there, yet if we go from line one where they're calling you a thief... it pretty much indicates that he knows you're there when you're not supposed to be (which makes entire sense since the whole HoH has its own riddles and games you need to play to get inside rooms under lock and key). Even to get into the boudoir, you require an invitation (though Raphael clearly forgot that he left his door to the balcony wide open and there's rock formation you can traverse lol--things like this are PURELY game mechanics, and I don't think they should be read into deeply. It's a game, your player NEEDS access, whether it's getting it the hard way, the lawful way, or outright breaking in lol).

If you lie to Haarlep and claim it's a botched teleportation spell, he instantly sees through you, you don't even get the chance for a saving check on this. No matter what, Haarlep knows you're not supposed to be there. However, he wants to know WHY you're there.

Interestingly enough, Haarlep's voice is very aggressive when you lie to him, especially when the first introduction is all sweet and breathy. This comes down to control, imo (which we also learn that Haarlep is the dominant role in the bedroom, or at least a top--more on that as I go). Genuinely, though, it feels like Haarlep is very displeased if someone lies to his face, though being the incubus they are, will also give you a chance to respond truthfully before he decides your fate--this is something I also see Raphael do. Even if you attack him in your first meeting, he gives you a second chance (and a third if I recall? He only tells you the deal is off if you attack him in Sharess' Caress and kicks you out of the Devil's Den--tho correct me if I'm wrong as I'm focusing on Haarlep here).

So is this typical devil behaviour and something we can expect from devils, to give you a second chance so they can get the information they want? I'd say yes. Especially if they DO want to know. Haarlep is more than happy to kill you if you don't give him what he wants, so it seems pretty standard for devil practice, and of course, he returns to being softly spoken again, almost immediately, like it's second nature. Or is this something he has simply learned from being around Raphael for so long?

If Raphael does give you a third chance, guess what? So does Haarlep. You can lie to him (though exposed instantly), and then outright tell him you refuse to tell him why you're there, and he gives you the final chance:

Obviously, fantastic that the player can really choose what they want to do, but there's also been far quicker battles in game. Haarlep really is trying to get that information from you (and your soul no doubt). If we wanted to delve deeper (I did say what ifs!), we could also question if this is just Haarlep being playful or lazy. Does he really care to go to the effort to kill, or would he rather just get some useful information? Is he threatening the player so he can just be done with his game, have sex with the player and let them leave so he can just add their glamour to the collection? Who knows! It's all under speculation.

Haarlep's health in battle, if you choose to fight him, is also 169, whereas DnD monster manual has them at 66HP. Haarlep is a stronger incubus, and at 169HP, it's much greater! Again, is this scaled up just due to game mechanics? Or something else? Makes sense by the time you delve into the HoH, a HP of 66 isn't that challenging anymore. I did do a little hc post about my thoughts HERE. Funnily enough, there was also THIS about Haarlep being titled as a courtesan.

Moving on to if you tell Haarlep the truth about why you're there. I find his response here to be very interesting, especially in the way he seems to drop the sensuality for a moment. The thoughtfulness and pause to Haarlep as he likely recognises who you are now.

The facial expression changes also, to something more concerned looking. Of course, this could all be a facade, especially as we know that Haarlep absolutely gives you the Hammer if you're willing to sleep with them.

Not the usual plucky, jovial Haarlep that is being seen, but a moment of thoughtfulness as the creature no doubt ponders what the next move could be. Perhaps Haarlep is even contemplating what Raphael would do if things were out of his control? If Tav was killed.

I often DO wonder how Raphael would react if the game ended where Haarlep killed the PC. Would he be furious that his means to get the crown is entirely fucked now? Would he just go that's frustrating but I'll get it another way? Haarlep, no doubt, would be in a lot of trouble, but it seems that either Haarlep doesn't actually care (because he knows Raphael can't really resist him anyway), or he might just get the crown another way.

Whatever the case, Haarlep does seem to entirely underestimate the powers of Tav an Co, because he attacks them if you don't comply, and I doubt he thought even if they DID get the Hammer, they weren't going to get through Raphael (Haarlep likely is playing his own game, in where yes, sure you can take the Hammer now that I have gotten what I wanted, but that doesn't mean you'll be able to leave). Once the Hammer is taken, the entire HoH becomes hostile, meaning Haarlep LIKELY knew this, and didn't think you were going to actually kill his master.

IS he outright betraying Raphael, or is he just... shortsighted? All of this is entirely up to speculation of course, but Haarlep would 110% be aware of the fact that Raphael is the son of Mephistopheles, and there is no denying that Raphael is the HARDEST boss battle of the entire game, even if you CAN power shot him with your super builds. There is no denying that Raphael's boss battle is difficult, and he would be considered one of the most powerful fights in the entire game (which is so insane to think about since you can SKIP the entire thing or just outright MISS it). So why WOULDN'T Haarlep think that Tav and co would get fucked by him in a fight, when Haarlep has likely witnessed Raphael's wrath and fury before? When we speak of this betrayal from Haarlep, there's no telling that his actual intentions were.

So... was Haarlep being a typical devil, scheming and getting what he wanted just to win both ways by believing Raphael would have bested Tav and friends (even if it didn't turn out that way in the end)? Or was he betraying Raphael because he just didn't care? OR, a third option, was he making sure Raphael wouldn't get the crown because his true master is Mephistopheles? By stealing the Hammer, there was no deal that Raphael would GET the crown in turn. There's so many things we could assume and guess, but the fact is... we don't know, because Larian never told us, and that's okay! Because that's what fanfiction is for.

As we move the scene along, Haarlep finally introduces himself. We all know that Haarlep is an anagram for Raphael, which in itself is fascinating. Where did Haarlep get the name? WHO named him? Is Raphael so in love with himself that he named his personal incubus after himself? Was it Mephistopheles? As some kind of joke? Was it Haarlep themselves? What does interest me is is how Haarlep explained that he's not just glamoured as Raphael's image, but he's transfigured. I feel like this makes it something more permanent, or even as a base setting.

I love the idea of True Form Haarlep, personally (and it is my general go to with my writing), but I DID say what if's above, and this is one of them. What if Haarlep HAS no true form? What if his form is now FIXED as Raphael as a base form (we know he can still take on other forms since yours and Haarlep says out loud he has a collection), but what IF? What IF? We just don't know...

I wanted to delve into this line next, because someone pointed out something interesting which I actually wanted to delve into deeper with it:

You might be going "no you're not, you don't look like Raphael as he does now". Well, you are correct. However, I do have a theory behind this as well. As we know in canon lore, cambions generally stop ageing in their 20's. Funnily enough... Haarlep looks around that age, which is where I personally headcanon that they first met and first slept together, when Haarlep was gifted to Raphael. That's not to say Haarlep can't change to Raphael's current, more mature, visage (or even his human form). But when Haarlep says he's the PERFECT copy, I do feel like there's some burn to that, that Raphael is reminded that HE has aged and is no longer that perfect resemblance of what he once was.

There's also a fannon theory going around that Raphael's more mature look is actually a farce, and that he uses it to appear more mature to get souls, etc. That's a really interesting take, and I love it (how manipulative of him and that works!), but my personal headcanons? Raphael is no mere cambion. Raphael is the son of Mephistopheles, and we know nothing about his mother (as mother's die at childbirth). She could have been anyone! Mephistopheles is an Archdevil, and Mephisto also looks more middle aged in most of his pics. It makes sense to me that Raphael would age more compared to other cambions simply because of his more potent bloodline and the fact that he is the son of someone so powerful. This could be a symbol of something amongst devilkind even. We know that Antilia (Raphael's half sister and Mephisto's daughter), though pretty no doubt, is described to look a lot like Mephisto.

So, my theory is that Haarlep is the appearance of Raphael when they FIRST had sex, and when he first consumed Raphael's glamour, and he wears it proudly, and no doubt Raphael keeps Haarlep around like that as a reminder of how youthful and beautiful he was. I'm not saying Raphael isn't a silver fox (he is), and Raphael still considers himself attractive, but it's like looking at your younger self when you've lost some of that edge, and you wish you could be there again. It's almost torment, which... just fits with devils, especially Raphael being such a complex character.

Some people have pointed out that there are some different structures within Haarlep and Raphael's face. Yes, there are. These are actually the things that change with age. The most obvious to me, is the ears. Raphael's are larger. This is legitimately something that happens with age. So is the structure and plumpness of cheeks (as someone who works in healthcare, these are things I see every day with patients). Even myself if I look at a pic of me 10 years ago.

(If I could mod, I would get the same screencap to compare, but for now...)

All things that come with age are (within humans):

Larger ears, wrinkles, less fat around the face and skin that becomes less plump and taut, (particularly cheeks, chin and eyes), and the thinning of lips and complexion paling. These are all exactly what Raphael has in comparison to Haarlep.

A little note on Raph's nose is that the distortion COULD be caused by changes in cartilage over the years, OR... it could be someone punched Raph in the face and it permanently got fucked after he'd been with Haarlep (whatever the case, it's still beautiful!). I still like to think someone punched him tho >.> lol.

You're looking at at least... 20 odd years between these two, tho. Raphael is said to look middle aged (in his 50's), and Haarlep, to me, looks about... 26-28 with those small wrinkles at his forehead and crows feet when he smiles?

I can't say the technical details of who designed this in game? But they did a phenomenal job on what they actually aged (or deaged for Haarlep's encounter). I have no idea if they simply used that technology on Raph's original form or what they did for Haarlep, but it's damn good.

I won't go into Raphael's sexuality in this post because it'll add too much to it, but I DO want to in the future. But moving on to Haarlep once you agree to sleep with them. What does interest me is that Haarlep wants to make sure that you're comfortable during the act, which is when the Archduchess comes to play.

Now... this one makes me question a little (and please fill me in as I don't know all DnD lore!). I do understand that incubus/succubus can be seen as interchangeable, and I do understand that once they have a glamour, they can wear it whenever, but I'm not certain about taking on a shape that... doesn't exist? Someone like Orin, who can shift into whoever she pleases on a whim without having lain with them, is that something that incubus share as well, but that brings in the question why bother sleeping with someone to take their glamour if you don't need to (outside of the fact that they are beings of sex ofc)?

Haarlep speaks about how they're adding your glamour to their collection and that's basically what they are getting out of this little transaction of yours. This is provided with the following prompts:

This gives the impression that Haarlep requires you to actually verbally VOW that he can have your body... that he can add it to his glamour...

Is that the case, or is Haarlep simply using you and playing games because they WANT to hear you say it? Is this devilry at its finest? Or does an incubus literally require permission to gain that glamour? Like the victim is literally giving up a part of themselves in some wicked contract?

So, please... let me know how it works with Raphael's Archduchess form, OR was this simply something Larian threw in there so the player could feel more comfortable with a choice of female or male? I would love to delve more into this, because I REALLY am curious about how the hell Haarlep got a female version of Raphael, or was this something the devs just thought "We'll give them an option".

Personally, I just feel like without that knowledge, I can't see it outside of a "let's just chuck that in there so they have another option and say Raph is curious at times". But please, please let me know if you do! Some devils of Baator CAN change sex on a whim, but by disrupting the order of the Hells, they are actually punished if they do it, even tho it's entirely allowed and absolutely a-okay to do! The laws of Baator are just very stringent. Being a creature of sex, maybe it's different for incubus and succubus?

Also just a note here, you can call Haarlep he, she, or they. The Narrator, in game characters, all use he when Haarlep is male, she when Haarlep is the Archduchess, and they during some of the Narrator's comments.

Speaking of glamours, though, it has been deciphered what Haarlep's harness says in Infernal, and it says "1000 lover's in 1 body" (link to reddit).

Some people have theorised that this is part of the secret contract that Haarlep was under. Personally... I think it's for nothing but Haarlep to gloat about in the Hells. I think it's entirely an aesthetic and prideful thing and nothing more. We know the devs have scribbled infernal on contracts and it literally says nothing (looking at Raphael's lol), it's all weird junk and silly things, so it's no surprise that they've written something like this on the harness Haarlep wears. Some little inside joke, but also a boast for Haarlep.

Raphael clearly likes to see himself wearing skimpy clothes, so maybe it's even to please Raphael. Maybe it's Raphael knowing that Haarlep has slept with that many others while wearing his face? Who knows. But personally, I really don't think there is anything significant when it comes to this, it's just a good little bit of humour added into the game.

During the sex scene, you will notice that Haarlep's eyes begin to glow throughout the rest of the encounter. I also find this fascinating, and I think it likely comes down to arousal or the power of the act, which when taking the glamour, would be a form of magic or corruption.

Pre sex:

During / post sex:

They are significantly brighter, and remain that way throughout the rest of the encounter. So, could it be the use of charm? Could it be arousal? Could it be the corruption and taking your body? Either way, it's something that I found interesting and I wanted to put here also.

Once the act is done, we get back down to business. This is where you can ask if Raphael is any good in bed. Of course, this is a whoooole debate amongst the fandom, and honestly, I don't think it needs to be taken so seriously. You've got to remember, Haarlep is an incubus, someone that is forged from lust and sex, and has likely slept with waaaaay more people than Raphael (especially if we take it literally when Haarlep says Raphael only wants to sleep with himself). That's a whole different topic, though, and this is Haarlep not even elaborating, just laughing and saying "no". But you're never going to get as good in the sack as an incubus, that likely knows all the trades. This isn't just a skill, it's INSTINCT for someone like Haarlep. Even if Raphael WAS bad in bed, though... what's the big deal? Who cares? I actually think it's something that makes Raphael more realistic, because he has a flaw and someone else is better at something than him. Good, make him feel vulnerable, let him be reminded, and perhaps that is also why Haarlep is kept around, so Raphael can imagine the incubus' prowess as his OWN whilst he wears his face.

Back to where Haarlep could be seen as potentially betraying Raphael by pointing you into the direction of the Orphic Hammer. Once again, like mentioned above yonder (this is getting long), there's no telling where this is coming from. Is this a betrayal? Is this Haarlep being short sighted and not really thinking Tav and Co could kill Raphael once he came back, knowing that the HoH was rigged to attack the moment the Orphic Hammer was taken? Interesting how Haarlep disappears amidst the chaos as well.

There's no saying what Haarlep was thinking, it's all speculation and guessing games, which fits perfectly with a devil, tbh. He's a scheming little shit, just like everyone else in the Nine Hells. Makes perfect sense to me that we don't know his true intentions. Plus, it's literally a 10 minute interaction. You can't possibly understand someone with a 10 minute interaction, you can only guess and assume.

What I do find a little funny is the following:

So we have Haarlep saying that Raphael hides NOTHING from him, and can't (likely because Haarlep wears his face and potentially uses charm on him to get what he wants), but also...

Haarlep gives you the key. To. The. Safe. The safe that he doesn't know what sits inside it... (bullshit).

He literally pulls it out of his arse and just hands it to you. Flat out. So how did Haarlep get the key? Why does HE have access to it? But doesn't know what's inside the safe? Definitely bullshit. He knows what's inside it, and Raphael, who has every door locked and invitations required and a ritual to get inside his house etc... just... hands his safe key to Haarlep? Or doesn't realise Haarlep has stolen it and keeps a copy?

Either way, this line about Raphael telling him everything indicates that Haarlep and Raphael talk to each other. Which, of course they do. They have been sharing a bed for who knows how long?

The reason why I have come to it being over a thousand years of being with each other goes back to Haarlep having Raphael's much younger glamour. Raphael is 2000+ years, as we know thanks to his comment about Karsus' Folly and how he was there to see it.

Haarlep likely came after, after he raged about the Crown, and when Mephistopheles realised that his son was ambitious and wanted power. 1000+ years is a long time to share your bed with someone and not grow some sense of comfort within that company. Even without realising it or admitting it (or even being in denial), Raphael is still a half human and half devil, those weaker natures, those human natures, he no doubt falls to every now and again, no matter how much he detests and attempts to refuse it. Company is company, and if anything, this is the sort of company that feels like it's there for complacency and self gain (not realising the self loss in the process).

I am not saying Haarlep and Raphael love each other. In fact, whatever they share is likely nothing but a mutual benefit from one another somehow (and of course, Haarlep being contracted there). But love is an extremely complex notion, and it's not that simple. I don't think it's yes, and I don't think it's no. I think it's an exceptionally GREY area that has become complacency, comfort, possessiveness, and selfishness. As for Haarlep? Who is a full fiend, tho an incubus of all fiends (master of lust, sensuality, intimacy...), I think Raphael has a greater chance of falling in love than Haarlep does. And that's saying something.

We know for a fact that Haarlep was sent via Mephistopheles, but there's some conflicting dialogue that can feel like Haarlep is "sworn to" Raphael but he's a gift, so who does he really serve?

Whatever the case, I still think that Haarlep is absolutely capable of manipulating Raphael in ways that others can't. Also, if Raphael didn't really care to have Haarlep around, he could just get another incubus to have his glamour and be done with it. Haarlep can change his face to be Raphael, yes, but he can't change his personality that easily. If Raphael really hated Haarlep, he'd just go "be gone" and throw him out the window.

Obviously, as a GIFT from his father... that might hold a little bit of sentimentality to it, especially for someone like Raphael, who is obsessive and possessive of his possessions. Haarlep would be seen as his, and only his.

Then there's the indication that Haarlep is unhappy and hates Raphael as much as any other devil in Baator. Haarlep is jovial in nature, he makes fun of people, including Raphael, his supposed master. I really don't see his end letter as him hating Raphael.

As above with the quote, Haarlep states Raphael can hide nothing from him, and deny him nothing, which pretty much solidifies that Haarlep has him wrapped around his little finger. If anything, Haarlep is the one in control of whatever relationship that they share (whether that's just sexual or not). Raphael still has power, of course, but it's this dynamic that shifts up and down between them, until they are back to the very same place they always end up.

The letter that you see in the epilogue never states anything on Haarlep's feelings towards Raphael. They state what OTHER devils feel. What the letter says is:

The only indication that one might get from this is the term "timely end" when it comes to Raphael's death. I wouldn't say this is an indication of Haarlep detesting the man. Haarlep isn't known for his love, so why would he mourn to a stranger? Why would he care, really? He's a fiend. The death of Raphael meant he was no longer bound to any contract, so it's absolutely opportunistic for him! But opportunity doesn't mean hate.

The entire atmosphere of Haarlep's letter has a sense of superiority around it, which if course it does. It's Haarlep. He's a fancy little snob that thinks he has better taste when he's actually fucking gelugons on a daily basis... Have you seen those things?

I'm more interested in the contract that was bounding him to secrecy. It's never explained more upon. Was Haarlep bound to secrecy to stay within the HoH? Was he bound to secrecy so no one knew him and Raphael had slept together and that Raphael had a personal incubus? Raphael has invitations for others to come into the boudior, so I highly doubt Haarlep was some little secret shame of his. If anything, Raphael seems the sort to boast about getting to have sex with his handsome self.

The only secrecy I can get from this would be the fact that it was a secret Haarlep was keeping from Raphael that he was a spy for Mephistopheles.

Which... let's talk about this spy as well. We don't know the terms and conditions of the contract between Haarlep and Mephisto, all Haarlep claims was that he was sent to "distract" Mephistopheles' naughty son.

Doesn't really mean spy. It CAN mean spy! Absolutely it could mean spy (and the devil's in the details). But if we think about what Haarlep was potentially sending back to Mephisto... why didn't Mephisto do anything? After all, Raphael can't hide anything from Haarlep or deny him anything, and that gives me the impression that Haarlep knows most of what is going on, and if he told Mephistopheles about all of that, I'm pretty sure Mephisto would have a shit fit over the fact that his son is after the crown that has been stolen from his vault.

This is a crown that Mephistopheles KNOWS pissed Raphael off when he took it and locked it away. Raphael tells us that he raged over it for years after it happened. So when the vault was broken into, I'm pretty sure Mephistopheles would have been onto Raphael about it immediately. If Raphael came up empty handed and literally didn't know a damn thing about it, maybe... MAYBE his father would be willing to go "fine, whatever," but this is a very paranoid Archdevil that has killed his own spawn before to better himself. Raphael is no different. He is expendable. He doesn't even live in Cania anymore (HoH is in Avernus), and as far as I can tell, he's keeping all those souls to himself so he can use them to turn into an ascended form (which makes me wonder if he got the idea from his father and Cazador).

So for being a spy... Haarlep is a pretty damn poor one, if you ask me. Haarlep comes off as more of a sloth than someone who is really interested in doing hard work. He wants pleasure and games, and he is content if he has that, but he's also a fiend, and Haarlep is still as selfish as any other devil.

If you kill Haarlep, you can also speak to his corpse, where he will give you the same information just in a different way. He will tell you where the key is, he will explain that Raphael was never on top during their bedroom games, and he will tell you he was sent to distract Raphael from Mephistopheles.

I am absolutely certain I could keep going with this, but I'm running out of juice, lol. Anyway, this is my little (big apparently) analysis of Haarlep's character, and why I write him the way I do.

There is no right and wrong when it comes to this, remember. We ALL have our unique headcanons and opinions on characters, and we see all but 10 minutes or so with Haarlep in a game that lasts over 100 hours of gameplay. There is always room for character growth and development. Just because you don't agree with someone's personal hc doesn't mean they're wrong or you're right.

I would love to delve further into some more headcanons, especially with Raph, his sexuality, and Haarlep and his relationship a little bit more, but for now, this his already gotten long enough, so some small dot points:

Hope says she has been in the boudoir against her own will (which makes me believe Haarlep and her have likely shared a bed--this is apparently triggered if you save Hope before doing anything else).

Haarlep is a top in the bedroom (as provided by his own words when you speak to his corpse)

Haarlep doesn't know of any weakness Raphael has in battle (this is indicated when you speak to his corpse and ask if Raphael has any weaknesses in battle, to which the corpse remains silent and the Narrator says "the corpse does not know"). A really neat hc post about that HERE.

Incubus eat hearts and meat (Haarlep, if you agree to let him devour your soul and body) stated that he will eat your heart.

If Haarlep devours your soul and takes your mind and soul, you do not die, you become a thrall of his to command, which will obey him and "my master" (which makes me think he speaks of Mephisto more than Raphael).

Haarlep can command imps (he summons them if you decide you want to battle)

If I think of more, I will add, I'm tired now, lol. If anything, can y'all appreciate how long this got? :'D

#ooc #Haarlep #Haarlep BG3 #raphael the cambion #Meta #Lore #Headcanons

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usmsgutterson · 2 years ago

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DREAMS-k.b x gn! reader

Okay! Last day of this event and final fic that’s coming out before I run back into my little writer cave and start figuring out a balance between novel writing, requests, and managing to keep myself together when the chaos starts picking up in these next few months. Requests will likely start coming out in the upcoming week, though if not then, it’ll be around the middle of the week after. Thats a pretty rough estimate because I have no actual idea how busy my life is gonna get by the time that April hits, but we’ll see.

I meant to post this yesterday but by the time I’d remembered, it was four in the morning and I was tired as hell because my brain cannot handle staying up any later than three thirty unless I’ve gotten a nap or two in beforehand lol.

Fic type- I’d,, I’d classify this as fluff with angsty undertones? Maybe slight hurt/comfort, I honestly can’t really say

Warnings- mentions of drowning, mentions of death, mentions of heights (reader has a fear of them because I projected a teeny tiny bit lol) and mentions of falling

Over the two weeks leading up to the final ten days of winter, Kaz Brekker had been experiencing dreams.

They weren’t his normal dreams of darkness, dreams that had him convinced he’d spent his sleeping hours in the depths of the Fold, nor were they the nightmares that occasionally waltzed back through his subconscious to remind him of all that he’d lost, all of the things he had to lose.

They were weird dreams, to say the least of it. He would find himself talking to someone whom he’d never met in some of them. He knew more about a person who did not exist than he knew of some of the newer recruits into the Dregs. He knew more about a person who did not exist than he knew of even those who’d been in the Dregs for more than two months, even those who’d been there longer than five or six.

Others were a lot like his occasional nightmares. He would find himself talking to the person he’d never met one moment, find himself drowning in the next. He would find the person his subconscious had made up for him to his right, drowning but looking more at peace with it than he had.

“How long have they been a thing?” Jesper asked shortly after Kaz had accidentally alluded to the dreams whilst talking to him and Inej. They were heading to Fifth Harbor, where they would meet in a cafe, negotiate the terms of ownership for a building that had once been Dime Lions owned but was to be owned by the Dregs since Pekka had left.

“Nearly two weeks,” Kaz said. “Why?”

“Ravkan legend,” Inej said. “Suli legends have come from it, so I know what Jes is referencing.”

“It’s not a legend,” Jesper said. “It’s a phenomenon. The fact that it’s gift from the Ravkan saints, the idea that it was given to the Suli by their ancestors, is where the myth and legend aspects come in. Nina talked about it after the Ice Court, I think. Mentioned that she’d been having dreams about Matthias and then it felt like they were soulmates? There is literal scientific evidence behind it. The dreams are supposed to be a kind of prologue.”

“Prologue to what?”

“A life with someone whom the universe deems your other half,” Inej said. “Your confidante, your strength when you are weak. It’s said to be a gift from the saints, one only given to those who are deemed worthy.”

Kaz scoffed. The idea seemed ludicrous to him. Why would he, someone who’d spent the broader half of his life committing more crimes than he could ever be redeemed for, end up with a soulmate? Why would the saints think to give him one, if not an attempt to change his character?

“I am not worthy of saintly gifts,” Kaz said.

Jesper shrugged. “We know that. The saints probably know as much, too, but you were chosen at random.”

“Not everyone in a relationship knows that the person they’re with is their soulmate,” Inej added. “The prologue, Jesper called it, is a two week grace period before you meet them. You skip the get-to-me questions in your waking hours by having to deal with them in your sleeping ones. Your subconscious sets the scene, and you just have to deal with it. Be grateful, Kaz. You might not think yourself deserving, but the saints, for some reason, do.”

“And what if you’re wrong?” Kaz asked.

Jesper shrugged, and Inej followed with the same.

“Then the saints have chosen someone different, and you may be right about the fact that you do not deserve their gifts at all,” Inej said. The trio walked into the cafe where the negotiations were to occur, and Kaz let the matter rest.

A week later, the dreams continued, and Kaz continued to wonder what their root was, tried to pinpoint some reason that they kept on. Some part of him had begun believing Inej and Jespers words about the phenomenon, and after a bit of reading, Kaz may have found himself a religious man after all, though he did keep to pessimistic habits rather than give in to the slightest hint of optimism.

Then, on the day of the seventeenth of March, Kaz found himself yearning to go to the bookstore that’d opened up near the East Stave. He’d read all of the books that lined the shelves he kept in his office, and he needed something new. He’d never been much of a reader as things were, so it really shouldn’t’ve concerned him that he’d read all of the books he’d owned, but on that particular day, it did.

He worried for the off chance that he would find himself with off time and choose to spend that time reading a book, only to find that each book on his shelves had been read two or three times already, so he gave in. He walked through the East Stave until he was finally in the bookstore and could breathe again.

“You don’t seem like the reader type,” came the voice of someone Kaz knew had to be the owner. “I mean that respectfully, of course. Businessmen and criminals who dress like them are normally the ones doing the writing.”

Kaz blinked a bit startled as he realized that the voice sounded familiar. It sounded like the voice of the person he’d been hearing in his dreams.

The person who’s favorite book was by an author who’d been dead for centuries, though the book had never quite become a classic like plenty of the others. The person who yearned for a life in the countryside, the person who loved the rain and, despite their yearning for a quiet life of many beautiful sunsets in a place unaffected by light pollution, loved the city.

“I’m not,” Kaz said. “Not normally. I’ve read all of the books on my shelves. Thought I’d come round, pick up something for the next time I have time to spend reading a book.”

Kaz turned to look at you, and the realization came twice.

Oh. It was you, after all. The person with whom he’d spent more than fifty of his dreaming hours. The person with whom he’d conversed, the person whom he occasionally dreamt about losing.

Oh. It was you, after all. The person who knew how Kaz took his coffee, the person who helped him figure out plans for heists when he was stuck and could not stop thinking about it even in dreams, the person whos laugh Kaz would’ve died to listen to even once in person.

“I’ve read the Ravkan tales of phenomena,” you said. “I’ve listened to Suli people talk about it and how they consider it a gift, not from their saints, but from the people who came before them. I’ve listened to the Zemeni talk about it like it is the most sacred thing known to humanity. I’ve seen the Kaelish people discuss the dreams like they are fictious. I’ve read read equations written out in some attempt to understand it by a couple of Shu Hans old kings and queens, and I’ve seen the Kerch people try to monetize it relentlessly since I came last week. All of them describe a feeling.”

Kaz nodded. He’d read up on it, too. “The feeling when two souls meet after so long spent talking in dreams. It feels like--”

“Like you already know your soulmate. The dreams are what that’s for,” you said. “You learn about them what it is that you need to know, what the universe wants you to know, and then you meet them and you learn the rest of it.”

“The purpose of the dreams is to get the ‘get-to-know-me’ Q&A out of the way, and that’s done well enough,” Kaz said. “The meeting is the part where you realize that the saints, the universe, whoever it was that decided to pair soulmates together, were right. You look at them and you just know, beyond any rationale. You look at them, and you think--”

“The universe did not get this wrong,” you said.

Kaz nodded. “Yeah. You and your fear of heights recognize that well enough.”

You shot him a very pointed look. “This from the man who has had me drowning several nights in a row the past week.”

The dreams wherein Kaz was drowning and panicked, but you were relaxed, like you knew your time had come and you were accepting the death that awaited. Kaz had felt much the same in the dreams wherein both of you fell, calm and collected even though all that he could feel around him was air as he rapidly moved toward the ground.

He met your gaze, letting a smirk grace the right side of his lips.

“Well then, it’s lovely to meet you. My name is Kaz Brekker. I don’t recall ever having introduced myself in our sleeping hours.”

“Y/N,” you introduced. “It’s your lucky day, Mr. Brekker. Soulmates get a half-off discount. Store wide.”

Kaz scoffed. “Lucky me,” he said. “Looks like I’ll be coming round often, then.”

You laughed, and Kaz felt his heart give a flutter. “Can’t wait.”

Kaz hummed. “Nor can I, so it seems.”

It was the start of the best thing that Kaz Brekker would ever have, the start of something incredible.

#kaz brekker #kaz brekker x reader #six of crows #shadow and bone #shadow and bone netflix

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c6jpg · 4 months ago

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natlan 5.0 brain dump

i did this in a lot of small chunks so i already forgot all of my detailed thoughts so i'm gonna try to keep it brief

general environment/exploration:

first off music and scenery is 💯💯💯

i particularly like how much wildlife there is and i really love the saurian gameplay (for me its hydro > dendro >>>> geo)

i feel so awful every time i accidentally kill a capybara they should be immune like the rhinos

it makes sense that there isn't "one huge city" like the other nations since natlan is composed of tribes, and each tribe looks like it gets a decent amount of attention, but i was still kind of disappointed by how small the stadium of the sacred flame feels in comparison for being the "main" area. i feel like they could have done a lot more with it

archon quest:

tldr; it was... not good? or at least very underwhelming? especially coming off fontaine/sumeru which had incredibly strong opening acts

act 1 was particularly like. whatever. felt more like a kachina story quest that rolled right into a mualani (but npc-focused) story quest

like for how important the pilgrimage is it just felt so. underwhelming and anticlimatic. yes yes i know kachina is precious and everyone loves her but i wish we spent less time doing kachina support group and focused more on the pilgrimage itself like can we at LEAST see some of the other playable characters participating instead of just hearing about it in passing

literally was soooooooooo fucking annoyed with the entire atea plotline. i wrote a whole rant in my first write up but basically that entire arc only existed so that they could bring back the purification plot device which WE HAVEN'T SEEN SINCE MONDSTADT

i was just incredibly annoyed with how that was all handled lol atea is also just such a non-character how am i supposed to care about her. she didn't even die in the end!!!

also mualani's tribe's whole thing being super stereotypical hawaiian tourism left a really bad taste in my mouth i wanted to get out of there as fast as possible

act 2 was weird because like. i felt like they were saying a lot of things that were like "this is a serious national crisis" but it didn't... feel that way? and a lot of the lore itself was pretty glossed over

i think a problem with the natlan story is that you need the first acts to set up the stakes but we just spent the first act gallivanting around with kachina/mualani and then when they DID get to the "main problem" in act 2 it just info dumped so hard to the point that i. didn't care?

pacing in general just felt all over the place

the only investment they gave us is through caring about kachina and i guess hating the abyss/not wanting a nation to be destroyed on principle but idk. especially with the "nah we gotta wait for the last 2 heroes first" the stakes are Not there for me

reminded me of when nahida was like "yeah i needed you to figure this out for yourself bc if i told you directly your head would explode." but at least that one was fun/could just chalk it up to nahida being cheeky and didn't like. prolong the plot for too long

SHOW US DON'T TELL US DAMN IT. i might just have recency bias but i genuinely feel like natlan might be one of the worst cases of telling and not showing as far as archon quests are concerned

also capitano's appearance felt so random LMAO he really showed up, said some cryptic shit, got his ass beat, and then left. at least the cutscene was cool?

chasca girl i'm shaking crying throwing up somebody get that girl a full pair of pants and brown contacts PLEASE

i find it interesting how detailed/fleshed out chuychu (chasca's sister) is, both in terms of design and personality/character. it kind of felt like they originally intended for her to be playable but turned her into an NPC instead

also citlali is definitely some kind of faruzan situation where she's old but young looking

night kingdom was cool i guess nothing really to say here. i am very interested in the wayob lore though especially in regards to how it ties into the rest of teyvat/why natlan has particularly weak leylines

i feel like mavuika's younger sister might also become relevant in the future... in a bad way. like the insistence to not being forgotten/seeing mavuika again, the fact that mavuika doesn't "really" know what happened to her. also she also got a pretty unique npc model. or maybe she won't be brought up ever again idk

in general that whole reminiscence sequence with mavuika was like. fine but again you just info dumped the shit out of me i have no emotional attachment to feel anything about whats going on right now???

also we all know that was fucking ororon at the end with capitano like lmao come on. but im willing to bet both he + chasca are the last two heros bc like. who tf else do we have left LMAOOO

capitano was supposed to be cool but he's just giving goofy villain right now. sorry capitano fans they flopped so hard with him in this act

#0.txt #genshin spoilers

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cookinguptales · 2 months ago

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ooooh love that 4 am chronic illness venting

sometimes I think the worst part about having a chronic illness is accepting that, in many ways, it will never be as good as it is now. I can be in awful pain, I can be exhausted, I can be barely functional at work and I still know things are only going to get worse. like. god. if I'm this bad at 34 how the fuck am I going to be when I'm 50?

I couldn't even get through one film festival. my hormones have been acting up since I got back to Philly, probably brought on by all the travel and stress about work, and I spent a solid two weeks with my ribs and hips dislocating and the first three days at the festival were just me being in so much pain that I would go to the restroom and cry between movies.

that's what having a good time apparently looks like these days!

and then my ribs start calming down just in time for a heat wave. 85 degrees. god knows I can't go out in that anymore, because this body can't do fucking anything right. okay, fine, whatever. then my period finally comes a week early, seems about par for the course with whatever the fuck is going on this month, and the endometriosis is so bad that I could barely get out of bed yesterday, much less make it to center city.

so in the end, I have so far made it to 4 of the 10 days of the festival, and I don't have much hope about the last two. I have to come to terms with the fact, now, that maybe I can't even handle film festivals anymore. I can't handle going into the city and sitting in a dark room for a week now???

I feel like I've wasted all this money on something I was really excited about, because I used to really love going to the film festival. but have we devolved to the point where I can't even do this anymore?

like I know that this month is irregular, for several reasons, but I can never depend on a month to be regular anymore! I can't plan a trip three months in advance because I don't even know how I'm going to be three days in advance anymore! do I just give up on making plans in the future? do I give up on looking forward to fucking anything anymore?

and I know that the mood swings are part and parcel of having pmdd (I had ~three~ panic attacks yesterday) but also like. god. at a certain point how can you handle balancing work and trying to have fun while your rib is literally sticking out of your fucking back. you can feel it! when you touch! my back!

and at what point does a mental breakdown become inevitable, dealing with that kind of pain? when you're also dealing with about five different work deadlines and you still want to make art but you have no time for it and when you finally have time, nothing you write is any good.

all that and I'm supposed to have fun, too? I feel like every time I carve out the least little bit of fun for myself this october, the month I am supposed to enjoy the most, I spend the next three days paying for it.

I feel like I just. I'm at the point now where I physically cannot leave the house ten days in a row anymore. I can barely handle three days in a row. I'm not even doing anything. I'm just sitting there, but apparently the act of taking a bus to a building and sitting in that building is too much for me now.

I know I've been kind of irritating to be around for the past few weeks, but I am just exhausted. and today I'm finally clearing the joint pain, I'm finally clearing the nausea and inability to eat (which of course makes me sicker), and I'm just. I'm so fucking tired. I can't even enjoy not being in (as much) pain for a few days.

and of course trying to scrape all this together, I haven't been able to clean the house, so it looks like shit and I feel like shit about that, too.

I don't know. some days when you have an incurable illness that you know is just going to get worse over time it's just. I don't know. it's hard to have any hope at all. I feel like I'm going to die alone in a filthy house because I don't have the energy to be a real person anymore.

like I go visit my parents and I'm always so glad to get home because I love them but I also need my space but there's always that realization that like. oh right, living alone is really fucking hard. some days I can barely even feed myself. I feel so useless.

I know that withdrawing from my friends is probably the opposite of what I should be doing right now, but it's also. I don't know, sometimes I feel almost ashamed to let them see me when I can't even pretend that I have my life together. like usually I can at least pretend that my body isn't weighing me down too much. letting people see me when it's very, very clear that I am hanging on by a thread feels far too vulnerable.

I guess some piece of me feels like if I let people see the awful underbelly of what it's like to actually be disabled, they'll be disgusted with me. like. sometimes disability is just we have to walk a little more slowly at the museum or I can only eat certain foods when we go out or I get way too chatty because I'm exhausted and I lose my filter when I'm exhausted. but sometimes disability is not showering for a week and a living room that's covered in garbage and unpacked suitcases and sitting in your bed and crying for hours. like. there's nothing glamorous about it.

I feel like I have to work so hard and pretend so much to even reach "tolerable" to other people but I'm not even tolerable to myself right now. even on my best days, when I can go out and hang out with people and pretend that I'm okay, I know that I will be going home to a messy house that I will never invite people to because it's embarrassing to admit that I live like that, not because I want to, but because I have to.

but I can't even do that anymore, I can't even go out for a few hours and pretend that I'm normal and well-adjusted and not at all a burden to my friends and my family and my community.

I don't know. I don't know. I'll be okay. I always end up okay. but I feel like having a chronic illness means mourning a thousand different opportunities you had to give up because you were home puking or whatever, and right now I'm mourning a film festival.

or at least the me that could go to film festivals.

#I'm sorry I know I've been a lot the last few weeks #I've just been flaring badly for weeks now and it's really really starting to grind me down emotionally #I feel stupid for buying a festival badge I've barely used at this point #even at the discounted rate I got a few months ago it was a splurge #I should have just anticipated that I wouldn't be able to do it #and saved the money for renovations #idk man I just wanted to have a good time and turn off my brain for a while

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pebblysand · 3 months ago

Note

Are you working on any new projects that you feel like sharing with us

Love castles and you

Never gonna give you up never gonna turn around and dessert u

hey anon! apologies for the delay here. this is a very sweet anon that made me smile when i got it, so thank you ❤️.

regarding your question though... i suppose: not really? i don't know. it's complicated. to be fully transparent, i've not written a word since the end of castles. i know that for you it might feel like a long time because objectively, it has been five weeks, but for me, i just haven't had that much downtime since then. i spent almost four weeks in france post-publication, most of which were holidays where i wasn't working (at my IRL job, i mean). this was so peaceful and restful and nice but also so outside my usual routine that i didn't have much time to think about writing (or to really let the end of castles sink in, for that matter). i wrote 23 in about a month, and 24 over a weekend, so looking back, it all feels like one big feverish dream i haven't really had time to digest, yet. i came back to ireland just over two weeks ago and i don't know, i guess i've been... crashing - a bit? 😬

it's not bad. like, trust me, you don't need to worry about me - i'm alright. i've been distracting myself with going to london a couple weekends and have loads of other trips planned between now and christmas, which i am very much looking forward to and should keep me busy. i've been doing a lot of podcast-y things, i'm getting reacquainted with my friends who i've sadly neglected for far too long (hopefully they don't hate me too much, haha), and with life in general (i've been going running more consistently, i've done embroidery - lol 😅 - i'm thinking about signing up for pottery classes - the works, you know).

if i'm honest, on a deeper level though, i've been finding that i'm not quite sure what to do with all the time that is now on my hands. my anxiety skyrocketed early last week, which i know is just my brain slowly readapting to this new, post-castles normal, but which still very much sucked. i am worried about my dog's health and my mum's health, and loneliness in my thirties. i'm worried about my plans for next year, i am worried about whether i'll be capable of writing original fiction, and i am worried that now that castles is finished and that the post-completion around it has stopped, everyone will forget about me and no one will read my works anymore. again, 🙄 ugh.

having said that, here are my plans for the short, medium, and long term:

SHORT TERM (BETWEEN NOW AND DECEMBER)

i don't want to start any "big" project between now and december, tbh. i need to sit and breathe and recharge (see above). i could however ever see myself doing one or two short-ish things (under 10k), that i could get done over a weekend or something. in that list are:

the aoife one-shot (follow-up to the fault in faulty manufacturing) (likelihood: 90% - i've been meaning to write this for age, it haunts me. my only issue is that i'd love to write it for paddy's day but since the beginning of the year will probably be busy with other things - see below - it might be my winter project)

maybe a fic about pansy parkinson's side of the amycus story, possibly tying into chapter 22. (likelihood: 50% - i literally just had the idea for this this afternoon but i kind of like it. i've been fascinated with the concept of pansy parkinson lately, so we'll see.)

for reasons that i don't want to explain yet, i'll probably need to have a really good 3,500 words original fiction story written by march 2025. i should probably get started on it this autumn. (likelihood: 35% - i know me and i will probably be procrastinating this as much as i can because it's not "fun" and feels like a chore)

MEDIUM TERM (JANUARY TO SEPTEMBER)

there's literally an endless list of stories i'd like to write. some of them might be written next year, some of them might never get done. the current list includes:

HP Harry/Ginny Muggle College AU (likelihood: 20% - i love the idea of it but idk about the execution)

HP Harry/Ginny FWB AU (likelihood: 40% - this one i'm more interested in. could be a sort of AU of castles but could also stand alone)

Peaky Blinders Ada Character Piece (likelihood: 70% - i need to rewatch the show, but i really like that one. i already have a few paragraphs of this i'd written somewhere)

Peaky Blinders May Character Piece (likelihood: 60% - same as above, i also have it already started somewhere. i do feel like i'm more interested in Ada than i am in May right now, but we'll see)

The Good Wife Will Character Piece (likelihood: 60% - i've been meaning to write this for, like, 10 years. i just need to brave a full rewatch which, ugh)

HP Malfoy Character Piece (likelihood: 25% - idk. same as the college AU. i like the idea, but no idea about the execution. just marginally more interested in this one cause it's a character i've not explored before)

HP Harry/Pansy AU (likelihood: 10% - i've found a fantastic fic for this pairing already in existence, so that has satiated my need to write it, i think.)

Silk Martha/Clive Children AU (likelihood: 10% - it's a beautiful fic... in my head)

HP Hermione Character Piece (likelihood: 40% - i know you all want this one but honestly i'm not sure what i would have to say. it's a hard one because i would love to write it, i find hermione a very interesting character, but it also needs to narratively bring something that isn't already in castles. like, i don't want to repeat something people already know. so, we'll see. i will write it if i find an angle for it. i was going to write it as an ode to friendship - like: the long-standing nature of she and harry's friendship, the way everyone always focuses on romance when actually, platonic friendship is also very important to us as humans - but i think i already sort of blew that angle with Lily and Naran now. so, again, we'll see.)

Black Sisters Piece on Female Rage (likelihood: 20%. i had a very, very specific idea for this back in 2023 and i never wrote it. i'm thinking of revisiting)

having said that, i also know that January - March 2025 will really be the moment i'm planning on easing back into writing more frequently, but also the moment when i'll have to focus on original writing for a while (again, reasons i can't explain). so, write that 3,500 words short story, and outline a larger project. so, not sure i'll have much time for fanfic at the start of the year.

LONG TERM

there will be a book. i have an idea. i have characters. i need... an outline, and a plot, and all that stuff. i would love to outline january 2025-march 2025 (as said above), then to slowly start writing it as life allows. i think fanfic will remain my outlet, my "fun" thing, the thing i "cheat" on my main project with haha. we all need those.

i will keep you updated on all this as it happens, and i hope (hopehopehope) you stick around ❤️.

#asked and answered

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waffliesinyoface · 4 months ago

Text

Anyways whoops I wrote a short thing. Whoops!! I wish I was able to focus on Hasami's actual story but no, my brain only wants to write dumb AUs instead. This may or may not get something added to it in the future!! Who knows!! Not me!!

Hasami looked into the mirror. Her reflection stared back at her – a long mop of shaggy brown hair, tanned skin, canines that were just a little too sharp to be normal, and a pair of blood red inverted fang marks on her cheeks.

Fang marks that she’d been gifted in her last life.

Apparently, the Inuzuka Clan Jutsu wasn’t just skin deep. She was marked as one of them, down to her very soul.

Well. It was nice knowing she didn’t lose everything this time. Silver lining, she supposed.

------

The first time she’d been reborn, it was a confusing and disorienting affair, that left her with more questions than answers. She’d chalked it up to the general weirdness of the Elemental Nations, and assumed that the reason she’d remembered her past life was because the Fourth had distracted the Shinigami and her soul had managed to slip past without getting rinsed clean. It had driven her a little mad, trying to come to terms with an entire lifetime of memories shoved into her head before she could walk.

The second time was less confusing, but far more stressful. Up until she’d remembered, she was a normal little girl. It wasn’t until the first time she’d seen her own face and recognized those clan markings that the memories had crashed back into her head.

She wondered what her parents must’ve thought, that the sight of her own face had reduced her to tears.

-------

The worst part of reincarnating again wasn’t the fact that she had lost her friends, her family, and her teammates – well, okay, it was the worst part, but it was something she could carefully box up in her mind and not think about – but had more to do with the fact she had spent literal decades using her own body as a weapon, every inch of her body dedicated to perfect lethality. And now she was, once again, a squishy toddler who needed afternoon naps.

To put it simply, she was bored out of her goddamn mind.

She couldn’t even take her mind off of it with chakra training, because chakra didn’t exist here. Or, at least, her body wasn’t capable of utilizing it. The Tree of Life had never landed on this planet, and as a result, humanity had never developed chakra networks.

When she’d been reborn in the elemental nations, chakra had never seemed like something new or intrusive; it was simply a part of her. The fact that she could remember a life without chakra made it a bit easier to locate when doing the academy exercises that taught students how to start molding jutsu, but it just felt natural, like stretching a muscle she’d never realized she had. Going back to a life without chakra, however…

She just felt empty.

-------

It wasn’t until she was nearly four years old that she realized where, exactly, her soul had ended up this time. In her defence, while Konoha was immediately distinctive, her new home was much less so, unless one paid really close attention to the wildlife.

Look, it’d been ages since she’d played any of the games, she could be forgiven for not immediately recognizing things like Zigzagoon. It wasn’t until a trainer passed through town with a Skarmory, of all things, before she realized they were anything other than weird looking tanuki.

Vendanturf town wasn’t exactly bustling with exotic and interesting pokemon, after all.

-------

In hindsight, Hasami was probably a… difficult… child. Chakra or no chakra, child or not, she was still, at her core, a shinobi. In her last childhood, she’d lived in a town that had architecture expressly designed to facilitate rooftop travel, and had gone to a school where schoolyard fights were not only encouraged but graded. In that kind of environment, she was seen as a completely average ninja child.

To the people of Hoenn, however, she was a chaotic little monster who climbed onto people’s houses for fun and responded to classmates teasing her about her fang marks by breaking their noses.

Needless to say, the teachers at Mauville Elementary had rather politely asked Hasami’s mother if she wouldn’t perhaps be more suited to homeschooling, instead.

------

“Ne, Hasami, come look what I found at the market today!”

I got up from the couch and wandered into the kitchen. Verdanturf wasn’t quite as small as it had been in the games, but it was still tiny enough that if you wanted anything more than the essentials, you needed to visit one of the neighboring cities. Now that mom had determined I was old enough to not “burn the house down” while she was gone, I only bothered tagging along when she decided to make the trip to Slateport, because that was at least interesting. What could she have found in Rustboro, of all places?

“Here, catch!” As soon as I rounded the corner to see what was up, she tossed something at me. I grabbed at it before I’d even gotten a good look at it. As soon as my fingers touched it, it was obvious – grapefruit sized, round, and metallic – it was clearly a pokeball.

But then I actually looked at it and realized why, exactly, she’d thought it was interesting. It was a Timer Ball. Instead of the classic red and white, it was white with a stylized knob on the top, and, even more importantly, decorated with a pair of sharply curved red triangles emblazoned on the sides.

Without even meaning to, I reached up and brushed the marks decorating my own cheeks.

“Mm~! I thought you’d like it. Apparently, Devon only came out with them recently? The clerk said something about them being a timed exclusive…? Besides, I know ten is a bit more traditional, but…” she reached down to tousle my hair, “since you keep sneaking out to play in the woods, I’d feel a bit safer if you had a pokemon partner, okay?”

I blinked at that. Huh. I’d assumed that most people got their starters from their local professor but… well, in retrospect, there were far too many ten-year-olds for that to be the case.

“Wait, but,” I started, “don’t you need a pokemon to catch a pokemon? What if it breaks out?”

“Hasami.” She smiled, “you don’t think I just picked it up at the store, did you? Go on, click the button.”

I stared at the timer ball again. It hadn’t changed, but… it felt even heavier, knowing there already was a pokemon inside. I swallowed, nervous. Which one had she picked…?

I pressed the button, and was momentarily blinded by the flash as the pokemon inside was released.

I overheard mom stifling a giggled as I blinked the tears out of my eyes. ‘Note to self. Aim away from the face, next time.’ Then I loved down, and…

There was a small grey wolf sitting at my feet. A poochyena.

My breath caught in my chest, for just a moment. I’d never – there was no way she could’ve known what it meant to me. I could never truly replace her, but, just for a moment, it was like I was meeting my partner for the first time all over again.

And then it decided to jump up into my arms and cheerfully start covering my face with doggy slobber.

“Well, look at that! Friends already. I’m glad – my partner decided to scratch up my face on our first meeting.” Saying this, she shot a rueful look at Luna, the greying Delcatty currently snoozing under the table. “Glad I don’t have to bust out the antiseptic.”

I tried, unsuccessfully, to pry the poochyena off me, but my heart wasn’t really in it. “Maybe a towel, though?”

Mom outright laughed at that. “Maybe, maybe. So, any thoughts as to what you’ll name her?”

“Kagemaru,” I said. “Her name is Kagemaru.”

She wasn’t the same, but… she was close. And for the first time in eight years, I felt something I’d carried inside me relax, and I was reminded of home.

#inuzuka sioc fanfic #inuzuka pokemon AU #<- i guess thats the tag im using for this now

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coridallasmultipass · 3 days ago

Text

Vent / medical

So I saw the back specialist today. After being scared shitless all last night, writing out my meticulous timeline of events that injured my back, and crying, and not sleeping well. I got questioned, but not questioned as much as I was prepared for. I got prodded, but not as badly as I was expecting.

The result? It's nothing operable, so that's good news. But the bad news? It's probably my fibromyalgia (with a dash of my arthritis). Lmao. I know it's a whole-ass medical condition, but being told that, felt like being told I'm just being a pussy and not steeling myself against the pain well enough. You'd think I would understand by now, considering I've been diagnosed for like 18/19 years, but it still feels insulting to be told like, "You have pain. That's all."

Also, the doctor: "You don't need to see me! Yay!"

Felt like a whole waste of time.

I'm also really upset because no medication I've ever taken has helped my fibromyalgia except painkillers. And that's an extremely hard medication to get a doctor to prescribe long-term, despite the fact that I have never abused them. (It was easier before like 2017ish).

As of January 2024, I had spent the past 5 years of my life suffering on every type of anti-depressants for my depression, and none of them helped. Anti-depressants are what doctors use to treat fibromyalgia. Like, literally the only recommended medication treatment. And I legit felt SO MUCH WORSE both in terms of mental health and pain while I was on anti-depressants. It was constant brain fog and pain and inability to function and fatigue, spending money irresponsibly and binge eating. As soon as I quit taking anti-depressants (during a different health disaster, going thru anti-depressant withdrawals during the hardest endometriosis flare up of my life), I started feeling a lot better and a lot more lucid and present in my life. I was able to start exercising again and being more productive. I started drawing again after like 5 years of a mental block preventing me from doing so. It was like anti-depressants gave me a Debuff and I just completely stalled while on them, and once I stopped I was able to go again.

So. I'm fucking pissed. Like, I'm glad I don't need surgery. But this means I have to live with my inability to walk normally and inability to stand for a reasonable amount of time. Like, how the fuck am I supposed to do anything at all???? I have suffered and basically been completely out of commission this whole year since the first injury started in MAY. AND IT'S NOW DECEMBER.

God, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I fucking hate getting hot-potatoed around by doctors. No one wants to treat me because my body doesn't respond the way it's supposed to, and I feel like my fibromyalgia is just being used as a scapegoat. I still can't walk and move the way I used to, and sitting in a car is unbearable on my back. I've never had this happen since getting diagnosed with fibro at age 12/13.

((Actually... now that I think about it, I was on crutches for fibro twice during high school with my knee problems. But I don't think it lasted this long before. Fuck. Maybe it really is fibro. But I already had a tooth problem dismissed as fibro, and 2 years later now I was right that the tooth DID have a problem that's finally showing now, and I'm gonna need tooth surgery now to fix it soon. So idk. Maybe 2 years from now my back problem will finally show something mechanically wrong on the xray and I can say, 'I told you so.' Maybe it'll get better in a few more months. Idk.))

"Try yoga and swimming." THOSE ARE NOT COVERED BY INSURANCE, AND EVEN IF THOSE WERE COVERED IT WOULD NOT BE COVERED IN MY TOWN. I didn't even get to explain how I was forcing myself to exercise through the pain every day, up until the 3rd time I injured the same spot. The exercise did not help the pain. And I was genuinely exercising, full workouts, just at an extremely slow pace. It never stopped being painful, even as I built muscle.

I still have physical therapy, but like, physical therapy isn't a cure. It might be helping, but I'm still in extreme pain, and I still can't touch one spot on my back.

Fuck my life, man. I need to fucking cry, but I'm all crude out.

#vent #personal #medical #fibromyalgia #Cori.exe #Post.exe

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mania-sama · 18 days ago

Note

for the ask game because i will NEVER pass up the opportunity for mania-sama lore;

20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?

27. What do you listen to while writing?

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

YESS thank you for sending in questions! in an effort to answer all of them, i will be taking creative liberties (since two of them have already been asked, but you couldn't have possibly known that, so trust that they WILL be answered).

➼ 20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?

This is HARD. I have a strong tendency to, after a month or so of posting, to go back and stare at a work until my eyes water. I will then repeat this cycle every time I get a comment. If I were to take a guess, it's most certainly a toss-up between hesitated all my life (but i'm all done running) and the difference between hurt and injured.

For the first one, it's mainly because I have NEVER gotten over how I managed to write 12 thousand words where almost nothing happens. It's a Haikyuu work where Oikawa spends 99% of it inside of a volleyball gym. The other 1%? The one to two minutes he spends outside of the gym. And when I say outside, I mean that he literally does not make it further than like two steps past the doors before he's held at gunpoint and kidnapped back inside the gym. 90% of the fic is spent in a 6 x 1 foot space underneath the gym's floorboards. Barely even enough room to WIGGLE. So I just. Sometimes I go in and admire how I wrote NOTHING. NOTHING for TWELVE THOUSAND WORDS. It astonishes me, really. It's just an internal monologue journey until he gets miraculously rescued. There's a fair amount of blood, injury, and starvation along the way as well. Fun stuff.

The second work is a little more complicated. I said it was my fic with the angstiest ending in the previous ask game, which is true. Every time I get a comment on it (usually complaining that they missed the MCD tag, which is fair), it prompts me to take an in-depth review of it. I have a lot of thoughts regarding this fic, namely in the ways it's good and in the ways it's bad, both in terms of the storyline and the writing. All in all, though, it's the first fic I wrote that had a somewhat high word count (relatively speaking. This is me, of course) with themes and morals that I wanted to try really hard to convey. So, I just like looking at it from time to time. It reminds me of who I was and of my writing goals at the time. I think I've met them. I think she would be proud of the writer I've become.

➼ 27. What do you listen to while writing?

My previous answer is that I do not listen to music or videos or anything with words or lyrics while writing. However, I suppose the answer can be a little more complicated than that. I do have a songfic that I wrote, is it me or the fear talking (what a dumb question), set to Intro III by NF. I listened to that song an insane amount in the process of writing that fic. Perhaps not exactly while I was putting words to the paper, but I did have the song up next to me at all times and pressed play when I needed to recapture the vibes and lyrics.

orange juice was also somewhat like this. While it isn't technically a songfic, it is HEAVILY inspired by the song Orange Juice by Noah Kahan. I was listening to it a lot around the time that I was writing that fic. I think the best reading experience for that fic is also to listen to the song while reading. I usually never do that, again because it's incredibly distracting. But for that fic? The vibes are REQUIRED.

➼ 29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

I liked everything I wrote this year. Even though it wasn't a lot, it's quality of quantity, right? It would really easy for me to pick any passage from if you need me, dear, i'm the same as i was. I did that for my last answer, and I could do it again. Everything from that fic is, in my opinion, a certified banger. But again, I did write more than that fic. So, I will give a passage from a murder of crows in the lowlight of boston:

“His urn is broken,” Osamu whispers. It’s a shout, an ear-splitting scream with his brother standing next to him. The sounds of his brother’s murder case play from the television in his mind so clearly he nearly convinces himself of its reality. “Whose urn?” Atsumu gasps, his hand reaching out to touch Osamu but entirely falling through. Osamu tilts his head to look up at him. If Atsumu notices the way his entire form flickers, becoming transparent enough to see the black television behind him, he doesn’t show it. His mother cries more, and Atsumu tries to hug her by wrapping his arms around her shoulders, but she doesn’t react. “What do we do?” Osamu doesn’t know. The living room becomes brighter as a cloud moves out from under the sun, sending warm rays beaming across the floor and highlighting Atsumu’s ashes. Simultaneously, Atsumu becomes harder to see, as if the light itself is melting away his body. His face is still clear, standing at a height that protects his head from the sun. The color of his lips is impossible to make out behind the heavy coating of his blood, and his yellow hair is tousled and matted with dried bits of flesh and gore. Atsumu stares at him with hazel eyes that look terribly, horribly, sickeningly alive. For the first time in a month, since the day the police knocked on their door with the devastating result of their search-and-rescue hunt for his missing brother, Osamu feels like he can breathe. He takes in the crisp filtered air, smelling the faint traces of his brother’s scent from his spot on the ratty old couch. His throat cools and eases oxygen in and carbon dioxide out, as it was always meant to do. “We get the dirt devil vacuum,” he says. His chest tightens, squeezing around his heart as bile crawls up his throat. “Get all of the ashes out and into a new urn.” He’s killing Atsumu again, he knows. He knows it because Atsumu trembles, his head shaking and bright eyes betraying his hurt. “You’re ignoring me, too! You’re both ignoring me! What did I do? Why are you doin’ this?” Atsumu cries. Despite the anger lacing his words like poison, Atsumu’s words lay over Osamu like a thick, warm blanket. He missed his brother. He missed how he took up all of the space in a room, how he let his voice boom over everyone else regardless of the warnings he’d previously received. He missed his volatile personality that barely masked how much he cared for his family. But his brother is gone. Osamu covers his face with his hands and presses the heels harshly into his eyes, scattering thick black dots across his vision. There is a knife sticking out of Atsumu’s ghost. He ignores his brother’s burning remarks shot at the back of his neck and picks out a blue plastic cup and napkin from the kitchen. While his mother sobs, he scrapes a large clump of the gray remains into the cup and covers it with the thin white napkin. He watches as Atsumu bleeds out from his view, slowly, like the blood coming from his mouth and flowing over his orange shirt. His faint outline remains, and his noises — formless, wordless sounds — are no louder than the shutter of the wind against the bushes that brush against the outside of the trailer. Quietly, so quietly that only his brother could hear it, he leans in close to the cup, pressing his mouth against the napkin, and says, “I love you.”

The important context to this fic is that, 1. Osamu and Atsumu are twin brothers from Haikyuu, and 2. in this story, Atsumu was murdered a month prior.

There's a lot I could say about this fic. It's a complete exploration of grief and another example of how if you love someone, you let them go. With if you need me, dear, the "letting go" was in the past, and every aspect of it was voluntary. Iwaizumi talking to Oikawa again was voluntary. In a murder of crows, nothing is voluntary. Atsumu disappeared and then turned up dead. Their mother then accidentally knocks over and breaks the urn, which raises Atsumu's ghost. Only Osamu can see him, and apparently, Atsumu doesn't even know he's a ghost. He doesn't know that he looks exactly like he did when he died.

But here is the thing: Osamu misses his brother so, so badly. For sixteen years of his life, his small, poor family (fic canon, not actual canon) consisted of him, his twin, and his mother in a small trailer home. It was constantly loud and barely had enough space to fit them, but it was full of love and warmth. Now, it's just him, his mother, and the ashes of the once lively Atsumu. He feels like nothing is right. Everything is quiet. The trailer is suddenly too big for him and his mother. He spends all of his time in his room; he's losing weight from not eating or cooking or playing volleyball. He spends all of his time in the bottom bunk, waiting for his brother to come back.

So, he's in this awful position when Atsumu does come back. Even though the entire situation is stressful because his mother is crying, the urn is broken, and his brother is shouting at him, he feels warm. He feels some semblance of love and warmth he used to have when his twin was alive. He wants nothing more than to hold on tight and never, ever let Atsumu go. Because he's warm. His voice soothes the rush in Osamu's ears.

But.

"There is a knife sticking out of Atsumu's ghost."

He is dead, and he should remain that way. It is torture to keep his brother around when Atsumu could never understand why no one would talk to him or look at him, why Atsumu could never do anything. His mother couldn't see him; she would still remain in grief. Nothing would change for her. It isn't fair, Osamu knows, to keep him around.

And all of the weight of making that decision happens in a split second. He knows what he wants, what would make him happy, but he also knows what he should do, what will make no one happy but is better in the long run. He lets go. Because he loves his brother more than he loves himself.

That's the nature of family, isn't it?

#yeah grief goes HARD #ask game #answered ask #haikyuu #genshin impact #miya twins #yeah im a genius i know #IM JOKING #anyway #a murder of crows is like #my top tier exploration of grief i think #osamu just feels everything so quietly and so viscerally #so when his brother comes back everything is loud and soothing #and he feels that loudness and suddenly #osamu feels alive again #UGH

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we-were-so-beautiful · 2 years ago

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1. day five

it's here! the first chapter of my bbu story featuring vanessa + juniper, which I'm tentatively calling "imperfectly consistent". this story is heavily inspired by many of the great pet whump series and other whump writings I've discovered in the last few months, especially those by @maracujatangerine and @whumpzone as well as @justbreakonme , @haro-whumps , @emmettnet and many, many others. this is my first time writing or posting anything like this, so please feel free to send me feedback and tell me what you think!

This entire story comes with major content warnings for drug and alcohol abuse, as well as the standard box boy universe fare: pet whump, dehumanization, conditioning, etc. Individual chapters will have specific content warnings and tags as well; please do tell me if there are any I need to add.

[masterlist] [chapter two]

“Shit. Shit.”

“What’s up?” asks the voice on the video call.

Vanessa clasps a hand over her mouth and breathes out hard through her nose, eyes wide and laser-focused on the middle distance. “Fuck. Okay. You know that… that dude on the shelter site?”

“The one who you said was in there longer than usual?”

“Yeah. He’s still there.”

“Still? How many days has it been now?”

“Five.”

The silence hums between them like a gathering storm.

“I’ve never seen anyone stay there five days before. I, I’ve been watching the site for months and I’ve barely seen anyone get to four. If he doesn’t get picked up by tomorrow…” Vanessa inhales through her nose. “Rose, I gotta do something.”

“You mean like… adopt him?”

Vanessa twitches at the term. “Fuck, no. I’d literally be so bad at being a rescuer. But like… maybe I can find someone to take him? I mean, shit, I could cover the fees for them, I could even pick him up and keep him here until they could come get him, I just… I can’t let a person die like that.”

—

“Listen, this is maybe weird but…”

“...yeah, that kind of Pet. But he’s a rescue, and…”

“...no, you wouldn’t even have to be here by tomorrow, I could pick him up for you and—”

“You do understand this is a seven-day kill shelter?”

“…Hello?”

Vanessa stares hard at her phone. There’s one last call she could make; one she really, really doesn’t want to. But a life—someone else’s life—is quite literally on the line. Desperate times, and all that shit.

She takes a deep breath and dials.

“Hey, M—hello? …of course. Bonjour, Noémie. Is Victoria available today? …no, of course not. What about tomor—right, uh huh, yeah. Okay. Well… I mean, you wouldn’t be interested in adopting a pet, would you? …yeah, of course not, never mind. Au revoir.”

So much for that.

—

They reconvene the video call hours from when they left off, Vanessa spent and Roselle somber. “I called every person I could think of, Rose. I’m so tired.” She looks it: pale, drained, practically vanishing in her chair. “Please tell me you have better news.”

Roselle shakes her head grimly. “I put the message out on rescuetok, but nothing so far. I don’t know if it’s realistic to find someone through there on this kind of time.”

“What about your parents?”

“I’m sorry, Ness. I asked. They said no.”

“Oh, come on!” Vanessa slaps the table a little harder than she means to, jostling the screen. “But they’re so nice! Like, if anyone was going to take a rescue, it should be them! I thought they said they were against the practice!”

“They are, Ness,” Roselle sighs, rubbing at the bridge of her nose.

“Not enough to keep an actual human person from being murdered for it, apparently!” Vanessa stands up and paces back and forth across the room. “Fuck. Fuck! I have to take him.”

Roselle looks up and blinks. “You what?”

“I mean, if nobody else is gonna do it—! It’s not like I don’t have the money. Or the space. I mean, I sure as shit don’t have the personality, but—fuck, dude! What else am I supposed to do?”

“You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?”

“I just… watching the shelter sites was supposed to just be a little thing I could do that mattered, y’know? And now it is so big and so fucking real and, and…” Her hands are flailing past her ears now, wrists and elbows oscillating wildly.

“Hey. Nessa.” Roselle pulls her focus, the calm timbre back in her voice. “He’s still got one more day, right?” Vanessa nods sullenly. “So you’ve got a day. Think about it. Wrap your head around it, as much as you can. In the meantime, we’ll see if anyone else picks him up, or gets back to us, or if anything else that could happen happens. And if they don’t, you’ll be ready.” Vanessa raises her eyebrows as if to protest. “At least, a little more ready than you are now,” she amends.

“You’re right. You’re… thanks, Rose. You’re good at this. You always are.” She tilts her head. “God, I wish you could take him. You’d be so much better at helping him than me. Than anyone, probably.”

Roselle smiles ruefully. “Yeah, not in senior year pre-law. And definitely not in a dorm room. I’ll help you help him, though. You know I’m here for you, any time.”

“You’re the best, Rosarita Beans. Speaking of pre-law, though, should I like… let you go study? I feel like I just took up a whole bunch of your day.” She grimaces.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. Like I said, I’m here for you. I probably should go, though, if you’re okay for now.” Vanessa nods again. “Alright then, text me if you need anything, okay? And make sure you sleep before tomorrow, you’re gonna need it. Oh, and I’m guessing you haven’t eaten yet, so do that for me? Okay bye, love you.”

She’s right again, of course. “I’m not hungry,” Vanessa tries to protest, but Roselle has already ended the call.

Well, if she’s going to eat—and sleep, probably, come to that—she’s gonna need an assist. She fires off a text. AUSTIN, it says. EMERGENCY. COME TF OVER.

As you wish, he replies. The weed man cometh.

—

Austin shows up forty minutes later, and she wraps her arms around his waist and hugs him until he chucks her shoulder and says, “Dude, let me in, it’s freezing out.” They climb the stairs to Vanessa’s favorite living room and in short order the bong water is bubbling and pizzas are on their way.

“You know, the nuts thing is, just going off his picture the dude should’ve gotten picked up, like, right away. I mean, lookit ‘im,” Vanessa rambles, poking a finger at the thumbnail next to the number 414374 in the shelter site’s neat little table. It expands to show a man with sharp features, pale skin and blue eyes, with waves of black hair cascading over impressively broad shoulders. “He’s like, super hot, right? I mean or he would be without the brainwashing 'n shit.”

Austin cranes his head down to see. “Yeah, I’d do him. Without the brainwashing and shit.”

“Yeah! So like, here’s the thing right? Dudes who look like that get snatched up in like a day. Two, tops. It’s like… okay this is horrible but it’s like a borzoi at a humane society, you know? They’re gonna be there for like five minutes.”

“You said he’s been there for five days, though.”

“Exactly! So like, what is his deal, man? What could possibly be up with him that would make all the crazy ass pet people not go ‘yeah I want that one’ like, immediately?”

“Dude, yeah. Huh.”

Vanessa laughs around a mouthful of smoke until she doubles over coughing. “Oh, shit, dude, what am I getting myself into?”

#whump #pet whump #rescue whump #recovery whump #bbu #box boy universe #vanessa + juniper #disaster caretaker #imperfectly consistent #tw drug use #tw marijuana #tw dehumanization #tw death mention #I am participating in the time honored tradition of 'posting this so I will stop looking at it'

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astralmarionette · 1 year ago

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THIUGHTS ON THE GUILD GO! I loved them sm they were my fav faction and all the characters make me deeply insane I am WAITING for them to come back they have to asagiri set up too many plot points not to bring them back. Sigh. my favs r lucy n poe n mitchell n hawthorne n steinbeck but I like all of them

Omg omg okay i LOVE thr Guild I spent like 30 minutes last night trying to predict the different Guild members because Autism. (I FUCKING LOOKED UP MARk TWAIN BC I WAS LIKE U CANT HAVE AMRRICAN AUTHORS AN NOT HAVE MARKY YKW??? LIKE HES LItERALLY BROUGHT UP IN EVERY SINGLE LIT CLASS IN AMERICA BRO and nothing came up OU IM SO MAD)

BTW, I tend to use a first name basis with authors btw theyre actually all my best friends i know them on a deeper level (my mom said that i need to seek help today, this is what happens when all yr friendships are superficial as a kid methinks)

anyways. here are my thoughts:

Mr Francy Pants (Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald): i wasn't too opinionated on him til I learned his ability (like i said we need to stop letting white ppl get rich bro...) and then i was like i need this guy dead and then i learned his motive and i was like oh my god hes literally just a guy he wants nothing but to mAKE HIS WIFE HAPPY OUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH so he slays actaully i hope hes alive :((

Louisa May Alcott: LOMLLLLLLLL i love little women so im extremely bias towards her but wtv when Francis was going on his lil rant abt owning her and everything i was like woah now careful abt how you speak to my girl

Nathaniel: Lord....forgive me...... HES SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FINE OH my GODDDD Nathaniel was made for the girlies with complicated relationships with religion i fear (ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME )

Margaret: love me a woman who dresses like that okay but im fairly certain the actual woman was racist soooo kinda mixed feelings?? but the character is amazing and perfect (ignoring the restoring her family's honor.........) and i actually loved her accent lol it was southern enough to be southern but not too southern to be fake lol southern accents actaully arent always there for my area lol they come and go and are stronger when angry/ come out stronger on certain words or phrases loll

Lucy: OUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH seeing that she got caught PAINED ME LIKE NOOOO ATSU WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO GO AND SAVE HER BUT NOW I FEAR HES FORGOTTEN IN ALL THE EVERYTHING GOIONG ON OUGHHHHHHHHHH

Anne is SOOO Cutie Pie too btw and I love that one she looks like Anne of Green Gables (obvi) BUT ALSO Raggedy Anns!!!!!

Marky Mark: HES SO CUTE ACTUALLY ???? I love his "im just here for the fun of it" attitude that was rlly nice AND HUCK AND TOM ARE SOOOO CUTE and i love the fact that hes a gunsmith despite im pretty sure the book characters he brought to life and real life author being like these scrappy lil southern boys lolll i like that they didnt go the kenji route with him and have him be like a (read this in a southern accent btw) lil farmer boy with good intentions for everyone :D type character !!!!!! love him 10/10 scrunkly

John Steinbeck: his grape thing freaked me the fuck out the first time he did it i was so thoroughly gagged like...... hes cute but in term of design he and Francy look soo similar I got tired of these basic ass white men sorry TvT (looking at them made me feel like i was watching hetalia again LMAOOO) hes scrunkly poo too tho and i love his quirk (mha gagged with quirk im sooo sorry)

Lovecraft: He rlly puts the love in Lovecr....Im gonna stop there sorry :( that sounded jsut as bad in my head LMAO I LVOE HIM i love the fact that him turning into Kraken is just. smth he can do. not his quirk hes jsut like that. (okay actually he didnt write Kraken so idk what the fuck he turns into but he just like me fr) i love his absolute apathy to everything he rlly is sucha girl like he just wants to sleep fr !!!! he had empty eyes and long lucious hair and thats enough to make me love you so i literally DONT CARE bout NOTHIGN ELSE !!!! 10000/10 hes so fine omg....

Melville: hes actually so chill. i like him! he had honor and standards that he upheld himself and i heavy respect that! going down w yr ship is like the easiest way to gain my respect cuz that troupe >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

AND LAST BUT ABSOLUTELY DEFINETELY NOT LEAST:

Edgar Allan Poe:

do I, Dorian Nico di Marionette (my legal Tumblr name), even need to say anything about how much I love this man. I'm not even just talking about the bsd character. I'm talking about the actual author too. He's literally so cool. Like so cool. He came, he lived, he fucked around and found out, and he died!!! He is literally everything I wish to be. Cool, Autistic, Mysterious, Silly. And now specifically the character: I love his need for praise bc ME tOO. I love that he had given himself ONE PURPOSE and that purpose was to beat Ranpo and give him the mystery of his life like yes girl devote your entire being and existence to that ONE (1) man !!!!!! (me) (we need help)

i love that he has a pet Raccoon esp since the general agreement is that he died of rabies like...... ( i personally think he was murdered but idk... ijust feel like someone didnt like him bc he accomplished alot and they probably couldn)

he and ranpos lil friendhsip warms my lil heart to like................... like i said in my tags they remind me of Hikaru and Kaoru in a way where their world was "us" and "not us" and like they are the only ones who can keep each other on each others toes and constantly getting better and giving the ultimate form of praise (theres nothing like getting praise from someone in your field of work, esp someone that you regard as "better than you") and thats so.......... (and if i say codependcy (I WILL PUSH CODEPENDCY ON EVERYTHING BRO I NEED TO SEEK HELP))

anyways these are my excessive thoughts i need help lol

#mari answers !!#mutuals :>#tia tag 🩵#bsd 🗞️#this was osooo fun omg i love answering asks I WIH TUMBLR GAVE MY NOTIFS ABT THRM !!!!

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vespertin-y · 2 years ago

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here’s the next part of my liveblog - this time, ch2′s investigation! i had a lot to say...sorry for having strong feelings about the silly anime game it will happen again.

-kiibo’s gayass scream when they threw him into the tank made me CACKLE, i love him but his suffering is always a little bit funny sorry

-”h-how...!? how...could this happen!? we...swore to each other, didn’t we? we swore we’d never let the killing game happen again. so that was all just a lie! you guys are liars! all you liars, apologize to ryoma! he believed the killing game wouldn’t happen anymore!” this is, iirc, the most extended reaction kokichi ever has to a body discovery. normally it’s just a line or two, but he goes for a whole monologue here! it makes sense - ryoma and him had a fairly friendly relationship. ryoma never calls him out for lying (just occasionally tells him not to be so loud) and once notes that kokichi, like him, seems like he doesn’t plan to survive the killing game. add that to the fact that kokichi SAW kirumi’s motive video, failed to show it to anyone, and spent a significant amount of time trying to distract her with “tag” last night, and it’s not hard to imagine one of the “liars” he’s so mad at for letting the killing game start up again is...well...himself.

-i’ve never understood why the monokuma files are physical tablets that get handed out to everyone, rather than just being files added to their monopads. seems like a waste of resources mr monokuma!!

-”i’ll take full responsibility. since you’re my sidekick, there’s nothing to worry about.” i have to admit, it’s pretty clever. it soothes shuichi’s anxieties about difficult decisions, which makes the trial go smoother, while simultaneously feeding kaito’s hero....thing.

-it’s time we talk about what the fuck shuichi’s fingers are doing in his thinking sprite. WHY DO THEY LOOK LIKE THAT.

-all of them wondering how himiko got out of the tank when there’s visible door hinges on the stairs is KILLING ME.

-”good luck, shuichi! after all, it’s gonna be you doing all the heavy lifting here!” “ah...right.” “what do you mean “right”!? are you saying i’m useless!?” KAITO A MAN IS DEAD WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR COMPLEX

-”but, i think leaving that guy alone is just plain bad...” [tsumugi gave kokichi a meaningful glance.] “so, i’ve decided to plainly keep an eye on him.” OCs already getting away from you, tsumugi?

- “yeah...we shoulda gathered together and watched all the videos. share everybody’s motives. even if it’s something you can’t bear by yourself, it’d be possible with everyone. that’s what cooperation is, right?” “that’s...what kokichi was trying to do.” “huh?” “kokichi was trying to get us to participate in a motive video viewing party of sorts. that’s why he forced us into the same room. do you think that was his way of cooperating? do you think the same way?” “n-no...if that’s what he wanted, he coulda just asked us. that’s what a normal person woulda done, but the thing is, he’s *not* normal. maybe he did want us to cooperate, but there’s no way to know for sure. he’d never tell us.” [that’s true...it’s impossible to know what kokichi is thinking. but...i suppose he *could* have been acting in our favor for once.] IMGONNA KILL MYSELF HE SAID TO YOUR FACE, LITERALLY YESTERDAY THAT OPEN COOPERATION WOULD GET YOU MURDERED!! YOU CAN’T CRACK OPEN HIS THOUGHT PROCESS AND THEN GO “bUt He’S tHe EmBoDiMeNt Of a LiE tHo” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. i keep trying to write a longer analysis of this and then dissolving into incomprehensible rage. kodaka wants kokichi to be cool and unsolvable and mysterious soooo bad that he accidentally gives his genius detective short-term memory loss. i haven’t unclenched my jaw in seventeen days.

-the prison-themed bathroom is so pointedly cruel, god...and it’s not even the worst thing that monokuma does to ryoma this chapter.....

-[no! i want to live! i want to live a long life! i don’t want to die! i can’t die in a place like this! never!] U GO SHUICHI!!

-”himiko’s so suspicious, she’s gotta be a red herring, right?” I Love Tsumugi Shirogane

-”you’re thinking too hard about it...living things just gotta live. anyway, no matter what happens to us, we gotta live!” “yeah...you don’t really need a reason to live. that’s just the icing on the cake!” kaito and kokichi agreeing on something and it’s NOT about hiding important things from their friends?? i never thought i’d see the day...

-”i did not calculate that we would gather here under these circumstances again...what would kaede say if she saw us right now...?” aww, kiibo :[

-[normally, i wouldn’t mind the shaking...but i’m feeling especially sensitive to it now. each of us felt that trembling through our entire bodies as we sank further still. without sure footing, i’m positive i would have fallen as well. my breathing was becoming more ragged, my heart pounded harder and harder...just when i thought i would pass out from the nerves - the elevator came to a stop.] SHUICHI THAT’S NOT “NERVES” YOU JUST DESCRIBED AN ANXIETY ATTACK D:

-”you put a lot of elaborate detail into this courtroom. almost like it’s for show.” “for show, huh? that’s an interesting way to put it.” “is this just for show? are you showing this to the people outside and-” sorry, kirumi, but you, kokichi, and monokuma have very different ideas about “the people outside”....you’re not even having the same conversation, really.

-that’s as far as we get before the trial! see you next time!!

#so many strong feelings!! it's why v3 is my favorite game #thh and sdr2 are both Pretty Alright but v3 invokes both incredible joy and seething rage in me #dr #mem liveblogs

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marmota-b · 7 months ago

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Probably not how this is supposed to work, but whatever. 1. Share a song that makes you think of [fic title]

youtube

Less one specific fic, though I do have one WIP using the title and the lyrics, and more of a general worldbuilding background for the Empire: Poločas rozpadu by Petr Skoumal. It's a song from and about the 1980s / Normalisation period in Czechoslovakia. The chorus goes: It's winter And it's already been spring We are walking backwards It's winter And what is left Half-life - where "half-life" in the original is actually the term relating to nuclear physics, and literally means "half-time of disintegration". But the English version offers itself to double metaphors; and since the author's parents were translators from English, and he spent four years in Britain with them as a child, I cannot help but wonder if that actually was at the back of his mind when he wrote it.

2. Do you read/reread your own fics?

Yes. Although it kind of fluctuates based on what universe is currently occupying my mind. Or I return to something if I receive kudos / a comment, and I remind myself of what I have written. I tend to stick to headcanons, so I think in part it has to do with reminding myself what they are / whether I still agree with them.

3. What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

Can I list three?

Survivors (Bright with his Splendour) (Good Omens / Historical RPF) was one of the first fanfics I ever wrote (not the first, I eventually realised, but the first I wrote in English), and given that, I’m still amazed how well it turned out.

Let Us Make Us a Name (The Eagle) is something I wrote, and posted, quite quickly, and writing quickly isn’t my strong suit, and again, I still like how it came out.

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face (Chronicles of Narnia) is short and succinct and says all I wanted it to say, and that’s also not my strong suit.

4. How many WIPs do you have right now?

Um… too many. 23 just at the top in my Google Docs as things I worked on more recently, not counting those I haven't and forgot to count and not counting things that may or may not become fics in their own right. And things I had on a backup harddisc that crashed last year but that I probably still want to revive. (The only one I really regret stupidly forgetting to back up in Google Docs was a Sherlock Holmes / Chronicles of Narnia crossover exploring the possibilities of the Giant Rat of Sumatra. I really liked what I had there, I just got stuck, as usual, on the plotty bits.)

5. What’s a fic idea you’ve had that you will never write?

Many years ago, as a teenager, I had some sort of mad idea about a Quo Vadis fanfic involving time travel... don't ask me how I came up with that. In retrospect, I think I have worked through the things I was very inexpertly trying to work through there in other ways now, so that frankly clueless teenaged idea doesn't need to happen, and there wasn't much in it to salvage for other reasons. (Though I still can't discount the idea that the characters, heavily reworked but retaining their core, will find their way somewhere one day.)

6. Are there any fics from others you reread all the time?

I haven’t in a while now, but the Housemates series by Coneycat is a big and fairly regular comfort read.

7. How many ideas for fics do you have right now?

Pass. :D Honestly mainly because I don’t even know, and if I think about it too much, more will spring up. Plot bunnies are called bunnies for a reason…

8. What project(s) are you currently working on?

Sewing projects, actually.

9. Do you write every day? If you wrote today, share a sentence of what you’ve written!

No, I don’t. I often write more in short intense bursts of inspiration, and then I polish and polish; so I may have even written something today, but it’s not something I wrote today.

10. Is there a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

Aside from not getting much of a response at all, or just getting kudos instead of comments that would actually tell me what people think… I think the strangest - though not unwelcome - was Jate’Ka’ra, which focuses on Fenn Shysa and his reluctant ascension to the title of Mand’alor. I got thanked for not Jedi-bashing. Which says something very unflattering about the prevailing attitudes in the Mandalorian fandom, because I don’t think there’s much canon-based reason for a Shysa-centric fic to Jedi-bash. (And then we descended into a long string of worldbuilding / canon-reconciling brainstorming, and that was also unexpected but quite helpful and fun.)

11. Do you have specific playlists for writing fics?

I don’t really have playlists, period.

I do get inspired by songs, but there isn’t any rhyme or reason to it. Though come to think of it, one of these days, I might try to compile such a playlist - I have enough song/music-inspired fics that it might actually work out into something decent if I did.

12. Do you have a playlist for your current WIP(s)? Share it!

See above.

13. How much planning do you do before writing?

Probably far less than I should. I get ideas, and write them down, and the only more thorough planning I do is for fics that are shaping up to be quite long. More recently, I've done some mind-mapping for some of those, which turns out to work probably best with how my mind works. Me and linear outlines don't mix well.

14. If you could see one of your fics adapted into a visual medium, such as comic or film, which fan fic would you pick?

Probably some of the Marvel fics? I have an idea for something, not yet finished / written, where it would actually work best if there WAS a comics as part of it - in-universe, something Steve Rogers created. Out of the things I've already posted, somehow I also feel Jate'Ka'ra might work quite well as a (more contemplative) comics, although I think the structure would have to be reworked (like maybe juxtaposing Tobbi and Fenn's reactions to trauma more directly instead of in two separate narrative sections). Film... not really. I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with film adaptations. I like that the written word and even comics still leaves space for the reader to fill in the blanks with their own imagination, and I think I sort of always write with that in mind.

15. How do you come up with titles for your fics/chapters?

I often seem to pick lines from songs. Not always, but it seems to be a safe thing to resort to when I don’t have other ideas. Sometimes something just forms as part of the creative process, sometimes I have to figure something out. For The Peridan Chronicles (the title of which is a sort of pun on the name of one of my fandoms and “The Methos Chronicles” from the other) I intentionally follow the “In Which…” naming convention for the chapters, namely “In Which Our Hero…” I did that for the first chapter because it was a fun way to play on the clash of worlds happening in it, basically, and I liked it so much I kept it. At some point in the story I intend to switch “our hero” to other designations marking where Peridan is at that point in his life, but I haven’t gotten there yet.

16. At what point in the process do you come up with titles?

Depends a lot. Sometimes a title forms quite soon - that was the case with The Peridan Chronicles, that title came to me basically right at the heels of the very idea of writing that particular crossover, and is pretty much inseparable from it. That seems to be the case sometimes where the story is a bit of a "high concept" story. Other titles are the very last thing I come up with. In many cases, I have a working title that eventually changes because the story grows under my hands and perhaps develops a "message" the original "high concept" did not yet have. I have a Painkiller AU WIP that started out with the punny title "Big Trouble in Little America" and the "high concept" of "Steve and the Howling Comamndoes team up with a Czech resistance group to deal with the Hydra base in Czechia that you can see in the maps in the film"; currently it bears the title "While the Winter Army Stands", which I suspect is the final one, but the story is still very far from finishing.

17. What’s something you’ve learned about while doing research for a fic?

Relative to the abvementioned WIP, probably the biggest thing I learned researching for a fic is the personal history of the Czech writer / songwriter / … Bob Hurikán (pseudonym), and various of his friends. And now I have FEELS about a flawed human being doing his best. In Real Life, he founded a resistance group we don't know much about because he kept it a bit independent. From my research, I strongly suspect he founded and named it as a tribute to a friend who joined the Resistance practically the moment Nazis rolled in, and perished in a concentration camp. Bob himself escaped execution only because it was scheduled for VE Day. Bob wasn't supposed to be the main character. Now he probably is.

18. What’s one of your favorite lines you’ve written in a fic?

"It felt like an eternity; it felt like far too short a time." - when Methos first sees Aslan.

19. Give us a small teaser from one of your WIPs.

“You have been Knighted,” Lucien observed and sipped his tea. The evening was growing colder.

“Under duress,” Zayne said. “And by a heretic Jedi who proceeded to turn Sith, subsequent return to the Light notwithstanding. I distinctly recall I told him ‘kriff you’ right after the ceremony, and walked away. I would have done it earlier in the process, but he had a lit lightsaber, so I figured he’d take it better if I let him go through with it. I don’t think it holds much water.”

“Under present circumstances?” Lucien retorted. “I don’t think anyone who could protest is still alive.”

Zayne sighed.

“At least two such people still are,” he said.

“You think I would protest?” Lucien asked, bemused.

“When the possibility first arose, you tried to kill me,” Zayne pointed out mildly, like it was a little inside joke and not one of Lucien’s greatest regrets.

20. What’s a favorite title for a fic you’ve written?

As a title, that must be The Peridan Chronicles. Succinct, to the point, says a lot about what the story is, leaves a lot of room for the story to become what it wants to be.

21. Have you ever deleted an entire scene after spending hours laboring over it? If so, why?

A couple times, sure. Often because it was something I wrote ahead in the story and by the time I got to that point, it no longer fit. I also wrote a whole long bit about Sarah Altmann exploring Frank and Steve's flat which I tried to turn into some sort of character exploration for One Hundred Tours (And Still Counting)... and it just got long and meandering and did not say much. But I still treasure the detail I came up with where they have post-its and schedules on the fridge door and one of them in Frank's hand says "Thu 1600 - Postpone eschaton". It's a sort of nerdy joke where Frank does something on Thursdays he does not want to miss (presumably helping out in the youth centre) and it basically means "Avengers-related apocalypses better NOT happen then", except that Frank has some theological knowledge and an Immortal kinsman who lived through Biblical times, and he knows that's not what the word "apocalypse" means, so he used the correct one. It might have been my other pick for my favourite line I have written, because I like how (unlike the rest of the piece) it says quite a lot about my version of Frank and where he is right now, in a very short space; but unfortunately it got cut.

22. Do you know how your fic will end before you start writing?

I prefer to at least start with a rough idea. It keeps me focused. The story may grow and demand a different ending after all, but generally speaking, I want to start at least with the gist / feeling of the ending. (Hope. It’s always hope.)

23. How do you choose where to end a chapter (if you have multi-chapter works)?

It tends to be a mixture of “where there is a logical place to end story-wise”, “how long the chapter already is”, “what I’m trying to have this particular chapter to say”, and things like that. Since my stories tend not to be particularly action-heavy, I tend not to have to grapple with things like cliffhangers, so I think actually it tends to be fairly easy for me - my stories often more or less already come to me in chapter-form, in terms of, yes, each chapter kind of trying to say something (even if they often grow more chapters than expected).

24. Share a moodboard for (one of) your current WIP(s).

I don’t do moodboards; though I do have a “Peridan Chronicles Inspiration Board” on Pinterest.

So here are some snapshots of that. These sections are largely concerned with what I picture Stormness Fast like, so it's also relevant to We Can't Fall Any Further, We Cannot Reach Any Higher. It doesn't cover all aspects of the house and its surroundings, but at least as a rough idea.

And the above are illustrations from books I read in my childhood, by Tony Wolf, which were definitely a strong influence on my focus on the smaller inhabitants of Narnia and their doings.

25. Have you ever upset yourself with your own writing?

Hm, I don’t know what exactly is meant by “upset”, but if it means “strong feelings I have to take some time to process”, then yes, definitely. Especially in recent years, every now and then a story takes a turn under my hands I didn't entirely expect, and a bit of a darker turn maybe, which I think is a reaction to how hard in many respects the past couple of years have been.

26. Is there something you’ve written that you would never want your family to see?

I don’t show most of my writing to my family, and I don’t think they know I write fanfiction (they do know I write things I don’t share with them). I don’t necessarily think they wouldn’t like it, but… Well, we’re a very analytical family, and I don’t think I want to be analysed to that extent. I am fine with strangers online seeing things in my fics I didn’t necessarily intend to put there, and often that sort of discussion is enriching; but I suspect some of my family members might the same way draw conclusions about me that I didn’t necessarily intend to put in there. (Would they find confirmation of their own ideas / points of view that I don’t actually necessarily share, or would never put the way they do if actually asked?) And that would be the exact opposite of enriching. I don’t really hide the side of myself I put in my fics from them - I just prefer to reveal it in normal conversations as relevant to our lives / as a relevant reaction to what they say / ...

27. Is there a fic you were nervous to post/share? Why?

Survivors (Bright with His Splendour remix), since it’s a remix of an existing work by another author that I poured a lot of heart into, before I even knew remixes were a thing, and it sat unfinished for years.

Te Choruk’la’kajir Aka (The Stone Table Mission), because it was a gift in a gift exchange, and a bit of a scrambling to have SOMETHING to post when my original idea exploded under my hands into something I had no chance of finishing on time.

Ceasefire, because it was - though I did not yet have the terminology for it, a reader years later named it and was spot on - a story from the POV of someone who dissociates a lot, and I had no idea how it would come across. I had a period like that myself, though in my case it had more to do with suffering from anaemia - so I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t know what I was doing, if you see what I mean. :D Considering that, I think it’s not a bad story - just not one that was easy to write, or is easy to read.

Plus I now have several WIPs where I know I will be nervous about posting them when (if) I eventually get around to it, because the themes are darker than usual for me, or, in the case of the WW2 story, I'm dealing with real people, and… I think mainly I’m worried that I might downplay some issues, or depict them incorrectly.

28. Have you ever tagged a fic “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat”?

No. :D Is that some sort of meme?

29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.)

“His classmates started calling him "Flagpole Kallus". He grew like a weed. He was, now, the tallest human in the class.

He had also gained a reputation as a fierce, street-smart fighter.

None of them were entirely sure what "street-smart" actually meant; but in their sheltered world, Alexsandr Kallus definitely came closest. He won fights, even fights with people larger than himself, he could fight dirty, and he displayed a certain insouciant, cocky, aloof charm that was only heightened by his ability to win fights without getting too ruffled.

None of them were aware how easily that mask slid off once he returned home from school. None of them knew of the moments throughout the day, behind corners and closed doors, when he sagged, and sighed, and racked his brains for ways to do better.

Nothing he ever did was good enough.

And then the war came. And nothing anyone did would ever quite hold the candle to Chancellor Palpatine in Senator Menelaus Kallus' eyes. The Chancellor said this. The Chancellor said that. The Chancellor was doing this and that. The Chancellor would save the Republic.

The Chancellor did not save the Republic. But by that point, the Republic was not good enough.

The Empire would do better.”

It’s from my latest posted effort. I briefly considered starting with a chapter from Kallus’ childhood, but ultimately decided it would throw the structure of the fic out of whack and it would be better to reveal the things from his childhood gradually. Some of the above may still find its way there (some of it already has).

30. Ask anything!

Eh… I don’t really know. :-)

I’m Bored and Anxious So I Slapped Together a List of Fan Fic Writer Asks

1. Share a song that makes you think of [fic title] 2. Do you read/reread your own fics? 3. What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written? 4. How many WIPs do you have right now? 5. What’s a fic idea you’ve had that you will never write? 6. Are there any fics from others you reread all the time? 7. How many ideas for fics do you have right now? 8. What project(s) are you currently working on? 9. Do you write every day? If you wrote today, share a sentence of what you’ve written! 10. Is there a fic that got a different response than you were expecting? 11. Do you have specific playlists for writing fics? 12. Do you have a playlist for your current WIP(s)? Share it! 13. How much planning do you do before writing? 14. If you could see one of your fics adapted into a visual medium, such as comic or film, which fan fic would you pick? 15. How do you come up with titles for your fics/chapters? 16. At what point in the process do you come up with titles? 17. What’s something you’ve learned about while doing research for a fic? 18. What’s one of your favorite lines you’ve written in a fic? 19. Give us a small teaser from one of your WIPs. 20. What’s a favorite title for a fic you’ve written? 21. Have you ever deleted an entire scene after spending hours laboring over it? If so, why? 22. Do you know how your fic will end before you start writing? 23. How do you choose where to end a chapter (if you have multi-chapter works)? 24. Share a moodboard for (one of) your current WIP(s). 25. Have you ever upset yourself with your own writing? 26. Is there something you’ve written that you would never want your family to see? 27. Is there a fic you were nervous to post/share? Why? 28. Have you ever tagged a fic “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat”? 29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.) 30. Ask anything!

#meme #questions #fanfic #my fanfiction #my fanfic writing #songs #creative process #Youtube

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