#these might be a little slow coming in because i don't want to binge the movies three times in a row

[novelmonger]

So I'm a pretty big LotR fan. And I'm a pretty big fan of the movies. No, they're not perfect, but they're a really good adaptation and a truly masterful work of cinematic art. I've grown pretty familiar with the movies over the past 23 years (@_@) - and not just the movies themselves, but I also love learning all about how they were made. I've watched all the way through all the bonus material in the Extended Editions at least five times (and some of the more fun bits way more times than that XD). I've even watched all three movies with the cast commentary.

But you know what I've never done, not even at the height of my obsession when I had way more free time than I do now? I've never watched the movies with the other commentaries. It looks like there are three more commentaries, with different groups of various people on the crew, and for some reason I never got around to listening through them. I can't for the life of me think why - maybe I thought I already knew everything they'd talk about? maybe I somehow thought it would be boring??? - but today that changes!

I'm going to just jot down the main things that stick out to me that I didn't know before. I've gleaned a lot of BTS information and stories about these movies from various sources, so I'm not sure how long this will be, but I'm sure there will be some new things that jump out at me.

From the FotR writer/director commentary with Peter Jackson, Philippa Boyens, and Fran Walsh:

There was a draft of the script where they didn't have a prologue, and all the information about Sauron and the Ring and Gollum and everything was going to be in that conversation between Frodo and Gandalf @_@ Can you imagine? I mean, yeah, it would be more like the book, but At What Cost? (At the cost of several memes and short attention spans, that's what.)

Peter Jackson says he doesn't like magic or wizards in movies. Um...sir? Why the heck are you making fantasy movies then???

The location where they shot the Ford of Bruinen was a real ford that was used during the gold rush in New Zealand! Because New Zealand had a gold rush around the same time as the one in the U.S.!

Hugo Weaving actually did the voice of Isildur when he claims the Ring and says, "No." I have...questions.

Peter Jackson says the journey through Moria is the best sequence in the book, and Fran and Philippa say it's the best-written chapter. Interesting! I don't know what I would point to as the best-written chapter of FotR; I don't think I've ever thought of that (though I might say some of the best descriptions in this book are in Rivendell).

They said they might redo the Gollum scene in Moria to make him look more like he does in TTT. Uhhh...it's been 23 years, guys, where's my remaster? XD

The Frodo-Gandalf conversation in Moria (the "all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us" conversation) was done with forced perspective??? I never realized that! I thought they just had Elijah sit a little lower than Ian so their eyelines would be right! They totally look like they're looking into each other's eyes, but they're not! :O

"Often in movies, that's a rare thing, to have shots in which nothing is real." - Oh, PJ, if you only knew what the state of things would be in two decades....

The scene of the Fellowship mourning Gandalf outside Moria was filmed before Ian McKellan had even arrived in New Zealand! :O So they were all mourning and reacting to the death of someone they probably weren't even sure what he looked like yet!

Sean Bean was apparently the only one of the primary actors who had any experience with a sword? Or at least he had the most experience. Viggo had to do the Weathertop fight scene on his first day, when he'd never touched a sword before @_@

In Boromir's death scene, the words sung by the chorus in the background is an Elvish translation of Faramir's line "I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend." ;A;

At one point, they were going to have Frodo fighting off an Uruk-Hai before he goes into the boat??? They even shot some of the footage?! Thankfully, they realized that was completely the wrong way to go about his end to this movie; it needed to be an emotional climax, not an action scene, and Frodo's victory is over his own doubts and the Ring's influence on him, when he grasps the Ring and marches forward to continue on his Quest, alone if need be. Thank goodness they realized that before it was too late.

SEAN ASTIN WAS NOT UNDERWATER IN THE SHOT OF HIM DROWNING WHAAAAAT MIND BLOWN

The shot of Boromir's boat going over the edge of the waterfall was actually footage of a barrel going over the Niagara Falls, and they just used CG to replace the barrel with the boat O.O

Fran Walsh: So Viggo's just put on Boromir's gauntlets... Me, a nerd: Vambraces, actually.

[pleaseeeimjustagirl]

Improving Your Relationship With Food And Movement

Hey babesss I have improved my relationship with food and exercise these past few months. It was hard because I had to break down a lot of negative feelings and thoughts I had built around certain foods. I started yo-yo dieting and restrictive eating when I was 10 years old and it has had a lot of negative effects on my body not just physically, and mentally, but socially as well. These tips have changed my life and I hope they help you as well<3333

Signs you have a negative relationship with food.

♡ You think of food all the time. You think about what you're going to eat next and overthink your meals, and the calorie counts.

♡ Feeling guilt over your food choices. Whenever you eat something that might not fit into your “diet” you feel guilty and say negative things about yourself or “punish” yourself by excessive exercise or extreme restrictive eating. 

♡ You must earn your meals. This ties into the previous sign, you feel like you have to earn your meals through exercise and restrictions.

♡ You binge eat. Binge eating is having a large amount of food in a short period, accompanied by feelings of loss of control.

♡ You ignore hunger cues. You feel the urge to eat but don't allow yourself to because of a certain diet or restrictive eating.

♡ You can’t keep your favorite foods in the house. You can’t control yourself around your favorite foods due to going a long time without them because of restrictions.

♡ You emotionally eat. Using food to comfort you is okay sometimes BUT it becomes a problem when you turn to food constantly whenever something bad happens and causes negative emotions.

♡ It is stressful going out to eat. You can’t enjoy yourself at restaurants or turn down invites to restaurants or events because you are overwhelmed by the idea of food and calories.

♡ You’re stuck in a diet culture mentality. It is okay to want to lose or gain weight and get into a healthier body but you can do this without restrictive eating. 

♡ Your body dictates your food intake. If you are bloated you eat little or skip a meal altogether.

Signs you have a negative relationship with exercise.

♡ You use exercise as a punishment. Whenever you overeat or feel like you have you make yourself exercise for long periods.

♡ You feel guilty when you miss a workout. As women sometimes we can’t work out the way we want to because of our menstrual cycle and you need a break and it is okay to take a break.

♡ You exercise even if you're injured. Rest days are okay working out through injuries only makes injuries worse.

♡ You do workouts you don't like. You're focused on burning calories and not the enjoyment you feel when working out.

♡ Affecting your social life. You might excessively work out to the point you're missing events and invites to work out.

Tips to improve your relationship with food. 

♡ Learn about nutrition. A lot of us are uneducated on nutrition and how we should be eating to prevent excessive weight gain and malnutrition I will recommend a lot of books below to start your education on nutrition.

♡ Practice mindful eating. Slow down and become aware of what is happening to your body when you eat certain foods, and your hunger cues, and don’t make any judgments. Eat foods without distractions such as TV, books, and phones. Take your time to chew and taste your foods. Mindless eating is eating without control or out of boredom.

♡ Stop labeling foods. We tend to use the words “good” and “bad” when talking about foods. However, labeling foods can harm your relationship with foods. Welcome all food groups into your diet. Making food decisions shouldn't make you feel like a bad person or a good person. 

♡ Find enjoyment in food. Focus on enjoying food and the pleasures that come with preparing and enjoying food with others.

♡ Allow yourself to eat the foods you enjoy. It is okay to eat foods you enjoy in moderation, 

♡ Challenge negative self-talk. The way we speak to ourselves regarding food and diet can affect the way we view foods challenge those thoughts with positive thoughts when they come I recommend reading this blog post about your mental diet by @arielsreality

Tips to improve your relationship with exercise.

♡ Create your own vision of fitness. Everyone has different body goals and what they want to look like the media pushes an image not all of us want to fit into. So create a vision for what you want to look like.

♡ Try different forms of exercise. Try different types of exercise. If you don't like cardio, try weight lifting. If you don't like weightlifting, try pilates. There are many options to choose from, so give them a try. Do what feels right and brings you joy.

♡ Listen to your body. If your body is sore, skip a day and walk instead of lifting weights. Listening to our bodies is super important ignoring pain cues is very harmful.

♡ Embrace rest. Sleep is our best friend getting the right amount of sleep every night is what helps our glow-up journey over all. Taking rest days is super important as well.

♡ Understand your body changes. Your body at 12 is not your body now and that is a beautiful thing. We especially as women go through a lot of bodily changes so we have to let go of society's expectations of how our bodies should be and look like what do you want your body to look like? And how can you get there? 

♡ Follow women who look like you. Follow women with similar body types like yours. I have a Pinterest of women who have similar body types to mine labeled “Your body is beautiful” I look at it if I need reminders when feeling insecure. I follow a lot of black women on many platforms as a black woman because I like to see women who look like me in positions of success and wealth it motivates me. 

♡ Celebrate non-scale victories. Maybe instead of being stuck on the number on the scale, you tried those jeans that couldn’t fit before but now they are so comfortable. That is something to celebrate!

Book Recommendations 

♡ The Binge Code by Alison C Kerr

♡ Women Food And Hormones by Sara Gottfried

♡ The Food Therapist by Shira Lenchewski MS RD

♡ The Good Gut by Justin Sonnenburg

♡ Feed Yourself by Leslie Schilling 

♡ Reclaiming Body Trust by Hilary Kinavey MS LPC 

♡ The Food Mood Connection by Dr Uma Naidoo

[thelikesofus]

Buddie Fic Recs

AKA Talented Mutuals Tuesday

Except I spent so long making this list that the timezones changed over BUT I wanted to show my mutuals some love and now that we are going into the hiatus I thought you might all like a list of quality fics to keep you occupied while there is no new Weewoo show. 

I don't know if anyone will actually want to join in on this but if you do the rules are simple:

SHOW YOUR MUTUALS SOME LOVE! Share your favourite fics, (or gifs, edits, literally anything that your very talented mutuals have made), as many or as few as you like but let's share the love around <3

Apologises in advance for the long post btw

@speaknowdiaz I would literally read anything that April writes and would probably sell a limb for the incredible WIPs I know she's still cooking up but here are a couple of my faves:

pining and anticipation (I don't want you like a best friend)

Buck challenges Eddie to try to hit on him after teasing Eddie for not having any ‘game’. This fic is very funny and very soft.

believe in one thing (i won't go away)

This fic hit me straight in the feels. Buck and Eddie go to couples therapy even though they aren't a couple and they work through some stuff.

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@thosetwofirefighters Incredible amazing Nat ily xx

Say It All Out Loud

Eddie comes out to Aunt Pepa after his ‘date’ with Vanessa. I am a little bit biased towards this one because she did write it for me but it's honestly just so good!

How to Cure Boredom: Buckley Edition

The 118 are stuck at the firehouse during a slow shift and Buck entertains them all by mattress-surfing the loft stairs. It’s soft and silly and in the same universe as her other fic Safe in His Arms.

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@loveyourownsmiilee The wonderful amazing Juju not only writes incredible meta and keeps us all fed with Oliver content but Juju also writes wonderful buddie fic. 

When Were You Under Me?

Who doesn’t love a Friends AU. This is Buck and Eddie as Ross and Rachel and it is hilarious and so sweet. 

You should also check out her Buddie Language Meta if you have not read it before <3

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@elvensorceress Jenwyn’s work always astounds me so be sure to check these out:

Color Him Father, Color Him Love

I will scream from the rafters how much I adore this fic and yes it did make me cry (happy tears). It’s a look into Buck’s head after his sperm donor kid is born and he realizes what Christopher (and Eddie) truly mean to him. I know I have recced this before but it deserves all the love. 

Unless You Ask Me To

Eddie dates a man for the first time, and Buck is completely 'Fine'. This is a preemptive rec because it is one chapter away from completion and I have been saving it to binge in one sitting but knowing Jenwyn and her incredible talent I guarantee this will be worth the read. 

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@spotsandsocks If anyone’s work is guaranteed to make me sob like a baby (happy, sad, or tears of laughter) it’s Spotty. 

Everything But (temptation)

This is Spotty’s newest fic and it's just brilliant. Buck is practicing extreme self-control whilst Eddie is being an irresistible menace. 

Could Have, Should Have, Would Have

Buck finally tells Eddie he loves him right before Eddie’s new boyfriend is supposed to meet Christopher. Honestly, all I can say about this fic is that it’s a masterpiece and I screamed many times while reading it. 

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@shortsighted-owl Wonderful amazing Owly (Abbi). I appreciate you so and you make my dash so happy xx

Of foam-moustached kisses, and button combinations

For all your sweet domestic buddie needs this is the fic. Eddie is practicing a video game to get better than Chris and Buck makes fun of his ex-technophobe boyfriend. 

Also THIS EDIT SET to the lyrics of You’re All That I Have by Snow Patrol make me assdffgghjjklkll

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@lilbuddie Okay, this one is just a brag because Minja doesn’t actually have any fics published yet (side eye) but I wanna make sure she is on everyone’s radar for when she does because yall are not ready for the incredible amazing talent that is this girl’s writing!! So go check out the snippets on her Tumblr and badger her until she finishes something plssssss

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@wheelsupin-five Hi! <3

Almost Almost Almost

This adorable of Buck who is always cold and Eddie warms him up I– asfffghhjkklllll

Under Kitchen Light

SO SOFT! Buck wakes up and Eddie isn't there, Buck finds him in the kitchen. 

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@rogerzsteven Simi owns my heart and by that I mean my heart is locked in a cage in Simi’s basement where it is occasionally beaten to a pulp by the most incredibly angsty fics you've ever read.

Cleanse

Buck is extremely nauseous and Eddie takes care of him while I sob over them in a corner.

build me a home underground (free from light and sound)

This fic is so brutal in all the best ways, my heart was in my throat the entire read! Buck gets trapped in a sensory deprivation room while the 118 and Athena race to find him. 

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@ashavahishta another incredibly talented mutual of mine

out of ashes

Is it really a Meegs rec list if I don’t rec this fic honestly it's engraved on my soul. This is a criminal minds/greys inspired fic where Buck is kidnapped and tortured until the 118 can find him. This fic is so so well written and means a million things to me I could never explain but pleaseeeee read it!! 

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@jobairdxx hello lovely xx

Oh, We Pray to Make it Through the Night

Highly recommend this fic, I do love a near-death experience fic! Buck gets injured on a call and Eddie falls asleep holding vigil at his bedside. 

Jules also writes beautiful poetry on Tumblr so go read some of that too <3

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@monsterrae1 MISS RAE! YOU INCREDIBLE THING! <3

love is on its way

I know we’re all a little bit in mourning over the couch theory but it lives on in our hearts and in this fic which has six moments between Buck and Eddie on the Diaz couch (and she’s a wee bit spicy too).

Buck's café (take my heart, just not my order)

Coffee Shop AU. Buck runs the shop where the 118 order all their drinks on shift. I absolutely adore this fic! 

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@alyxmastershipper RYAN!! INCREDIBLY TALENTED MUTUAL THAT YOU ARE!! 

there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head

If “aasdsdfghhjkl” was a person it was me reading this fic. Eddie comes out to Buck, receives a quirky mug, and gets together with the love of his life. In that order.

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@bekkachaos Wonderful, amazing Bekka xxx

lose yourself in the feeling

I am a sucker for ‘accidental kisses’ and this was just wonderful. Buck is so excited about Maddie and Chim getting engaged that he kisses Eddie when he tells him. 

start me up, open my eyes

Okay, the mild sexual content tag is a lie, nothing has ever been closer to smut without actually being smut than this fic, I have never been so wound up reading a fic. Bekka builds the tension so so well. 

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@sibylsleaves honestly I'm still a little in shock that we're mutuals now so please excuse me while I fangirl over your incredible writing!

with a bird at your door

Eddie starts spending all his time with Buck. Which would be fine if it weren't for the fact that Buck is in love with him. This fic is the perfect mixture of pining, angst, and a happy ending. And yes I think about this fic frequently I love it okay. 

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@mysteriouslyyounggalaxy last but certainly not least (for now). hello lovely xx

(tell the gravedigger) better dig two

Missing scenes from while eddie is trapped in the well followed by the most perfect extended reunion scene. We all know I am a sucker for fics based on the well incident, it’s literally how i started writing for buddie but omg this fic!!!! 

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Remember to share the love around and happy hiatus to you all.

Love, Meegs xxxx

[deviantly-inspired]

Dreamling concept

I absolutely love the 600 year slow burn to friendship and then wildfire romance that's in dreamling fics (it's IMMENSELY satisfying) but also, please consider:

after they finally (finally) become friends after 600 years they just... take their time, with romance. They spend years getting to know each other, genuinely, as friends. They don't know eachother, not really, until Dream has held Hob while he sobs over a loved one dying AND when he's seen Hob in his PJs eating ice cream out the pint because his students have stressed him out to the point of needing either ice cream or violence and Hob likes to think he chooses violence less often these days. And Hob doesn't really know Dream until he's heard that awful laugh, some unholy mix between braying donkey and the sound of magma shifting beneath the earth's crust OR until he's watched Dream scowl at the tele because they got to the last episode of "Game of Thrones" and Dream isn't any happier then anyone else is about a lot of those decisions.

And they spend days and weeks and years of being in one another's pockets. Choosing to come together again and again for a pint or a season binge or a silent supporting friend when the weight of living is a little harder. They earn each other's trust, and because they're both a little dense and maybe a lot more walking-wounded, the moment that each of them realizes that the other trusts them is, well, it's something that makes life worth living, for both of them.

Hob realizes Dream trusts him first, something small, something like Hob going to guide Dream out of the way and Dream just goes without any sort of hesitation. Not mountains or meteors could move Dream if he didn't want to, but he just goes to where Hob guides him out of the way so Hob can take the carrots out of the oven. It's enough to humble a man, and Hob might have a little cry over it later, in private, but for now he grins and tells Dream he has to try the carrots with the lamb, he hasn't lived until he's done so.

And Dream is a little slower to realize, I think. Because Hob is pretty open and friendly, it's a bit harder for Dream who's not so good with interacting with people face-to-face, to tell that Hob doesn't really get close to very many people for all that plenty seem to like him. There's a few exceptions, but even they are kept at a distinct distance. And it's maybe something small, like a small party or gathering of some of Hob's friends and it's late and folks are tipsy and Hob just kinda... dozes off against Dream. And Dream doesn't think anything of it, Hob does this quite often but Hob's other friends are immediately very surprised: Hob doesn't sleep in front of others, they explain. A relic from the war/traumatic past/whatever Hob's used to tell them. No matter how late or how tired or even how drunk he is, Hob would rather drive/bus/walk home then sleep where others can see him. You must be pretty special, one of them says. He even fell asleep on you like that: I've never seen him look so relaxed.

And I think that there's something beautiful about the slow, inescapable draw of it. It's like two meteors from opposite ends of the galaxy that have been on a collision course for eons. They both have moments of realizing that they're falling in love. They know it's going to happen, and the tension is slow and sweet and lovely. And there's no need to rush, because there's trust there too. Sometimes they'll meet gazes and they'll know, both of them, in that moment that they're in love. That, someday, what's growing between them is going to be a bloom unlike anything the universe has ever seen before. And they'll smile together and continue watching bad tv dramas or swapping gossip or sharing their pints and maybe their shoulders brush and their touches linger a bit longer that night but it's okay. There's no need to rush. They have forever after all.

And I think also that Dream is just a dramatic romantic enough of a bastard to confess to Hob on June 7, 2089 and i think Hob is just enough of a dramatic romantic to tell Dream that he certainly took his time.

I'm not late, am I, Dream will ask.

Of course not, Hob will laugh, you're exactly on time. We've plenty of it.

And in the Dreaming there will be a quiet warm breeze and gentle sunshowers as in the deepest heart of the dreaming a flower never before seen blooms awake. And in the waking two friends close the gap between them and talk about how Sally next door really needs to stop over watering her flowers she's going to drown the poor things, really.

And then they'll have the absolute longest courtship and engagement of anyone in the universe. There will be entire religions that will rise and fall before they get married. Pantheons will come into existence and be utterly dumbfounded when they're invited to Dream of the Endless and Hob Gadling weddings because weren't they already married? They've been together since the beginning of it all.

It's be great.

[demonslayedher]

Did my rewatch with a friend, some observations either from me or both of us:

--Gotouge was deep in the "bean" period at this point in the manga, drawing especially Tanjiro's face in lumpy simple shapes on a regular basis. We suspect that in this season so far, Tanjiro's face has spent most of its screen time in silly mode as opposed to normal mode.

--Before we watched, I had her guess what she thought the vibe might be for the ending theme. "I don't know, foreshadowing all their deaths or something?" GIRL, HOW DARE YOU GUESS THAT RIGHT. Also, I'm so glad the full version of "Tokoshie" is already out because it's going to be super difficult but I can't wait to give it a shot at karaoke.

--We chatted afterward about Ufotable's choices. I feel like they've upped their show-offy game in this season (thicker lines, extended scenes, varied BGM and careful sound design, slow and deliberate filler, and lighting, lighting, lighting, lighting!), which might be somewhat to compensate for the slower story pace. It's simply reality that a lot of the hype for KnY has slowed (the Mugen Ressha era levels were unsustainable, of course, that was a phenomenon), and I know many people have gotten tired of it. But frankly, those people are not Ufotable's audience now; we the captives who love spending time with these characters are the target audience, and when things pick up again, those who took a break will come back and binge these seasons. I'm sad to see some hype die away, but I have no worries about the hype train totally dying down.

--And the love and care thrown into this production shows that they have every intention of giving the final arcs the care they'll require <3

--but also AOI!!! I loved the subtle restraint of that filler. It wasn't overdone, and it's so rare to see Tanjiro and Aoi have a moment together, and to see both how Aoi has relaxed in his presence and how she remains formal. That irony and layered way of Tanjiro having no idea how he's helped her, and Aoi talking about herself in wanting to be left alone, but still finding a way to show that she cares about this person Tanjiro is talking about even though she has no idea who it is? Wonderfuuuullllll

--How softly Shinobu speaks to Kanao!!!!! The way Shinobu sits in shadow but Kanao is within reach of the sunlight!!!! (They put Kanao's hair on the same side as usual instead of matching the way the manga did this scene!)

--The glimpse in Tamayo's memories of Yoriichi encountering Muzan, the sound of his earrings tied with the sound of Tanjiro's earrings!!

--The same sort of layering in the ending theme!!

--YUSHIRO SCREAMING DESCENT

--Giyuu's face being cut out of view when he says he's not the Water Pillar

--EVERY BIT OF GIYUU AND TANJIRO INTERACTION, I'm sure Hanae Natsuki had so much fun being thoroughly obnoxious

--EVERY BIT OF GIYUU AND SABITO INTERACTION

--There is no mistaking Murata and I love that

--LITTLE GIYUU'S EEEEEEYYYYYYYYEEEEESSSS

--The height difference between Tanjiro and Giyuu in the Taisho Secrets

--Tanjiro was the one being overbearing and clingy in the episode and now in the Taisho Secrets we've got Giyuu thoroughly in "Kamado Tanjiro is my friend" mode, like "...Come eat more soba with me. Oh. Then. Come eat shake daikon with me. Are you coming? You're coming! Are you done yet? I'm staring at you from the side of the screen. I'm waiting. Come on. Hang out with me."

--I was gonna say the Taisho Secrets were obvious this time, but my friend (who has read the manga and just watched this episode with me) said, "oh, I didn't know that side was from his sister!" So... alright, good call, then, Ufotable.

--Ok but as Tanjiro is first showering Giyuu with kindness (and indeed, sitting so much in Giyuu's personal space), I was thinking about Giyuu's smile in the Taisho Secrets (shake daikon, yay~), and my friend said, "You know what this is making me think of? That panel at the end of the manga when..." --when he's smiling, I thought-- "...he thinks Tanjiro is dead." NO STOP WHY DID YOU DO THAT ME

--Love that little addition of Tanjiro cheerfully pointing out how quiet it's been, and "no! No demons here!" TANJIRO, YOU SHOULD BE VERY, VERY WORRIED ABOUT WHAT THIS MEANS

--"Now want about Tomioka-san" "What's Kocho doing?" UFOTABLE STOP THE DOOMED GIYUSHINO HURTS

--WHAT A CLIP TO END ON AND PLUNGE US INTO THAT ENDING THEME

--rude

[afreakingdork]

This is a bit embarrassing to admit and I’ve been putting off sending an ask for weeks, but seeing as Weak Spot is almost complete I figured it’s now or never; I daydream about the world you’ve created all the time, it’s like my go-to happy place in my head. Before I say anything I just wanna make sure you know I’m not asking you to write this, Weak Spot is your story and I already know what you have planned will make me weep on another Saturday morning. I just really want to share my thoughts because your story has been living in my head rent free like ever since I binge read 1-39 in one weekend. Do you think it’s possible that Donnie and Chester will ever meet again? I’ve been imagining what a wedding chapter might be like since 45 and my favourite ‘what if;’ I’ve come up with is what if Y/N were to send an invitation to Chester? I think I just really want Chester to see how much Donnie has grown and give him that ✨approval of a parental figure✨ he so craves. Perhaps the invitation being instrumented exclusively on Y/N’s behalf as a surprise for Don? I really wanna know what you might think 人´∀｀)

Oh gosh, no need to be embarrassed because I do the same thing! It's literally how I come up with all my little ideas! I really appreciate you sharing this and I'm proud of you for being brave to do so.

Narratively, it doesn't make sense for Donnie to meet Chester again sadly. Sometimes you bounce of people in your life and the interactions don't go the way you want. That doesn't mean that because you had to part ways that they weren't important. Sometimes those people you meet in blips are the most important of all (exactly why Sandwich Spot exists, but outside the main story because while it helps point the exact moment Donnie realized life existed outside of himself, it's not something reader will ever know firsthand, but they do know it because it shaped how Donnie is now).

So Donnie will never see Chester again, but that being said... I couldn't help but be inspired by what you wrote. so please, have this gift...

A moment in time in the not so far flung future that may or may not happen in Soft Spot:

He was getting too old for this.

"Come now! Violet can walk herself." Chester urged.

Or Harry had a point.

"But, pop-pop! She's so slow!" Jade whined where she was pulling her little sister.

Those morning swim classes were looking more and more appealing.

Violet pulled back on the arm that was wrenched in her sister's grasp.

Harry had been more spry since he started attending.

"What was it you were teaching me about sayings?" Chester tried a new tactic.

Meanwhile, Chester had only gotten lazier in retirement.

"Oh!" Jade lit up and let go to think with her entire body. "Let's see..."

His chair sat him so well, though.

Violet righted herself from where she toppled over and took a breath.

He'd always thought with his first grandchild getting older, he'd have to do less lifting.

"It's the one about the cow!" Jade hopped.

With the second, however, it had doubled his required strength.

"Close... How about another animal?" Chester smiled.

He wouldn't trade them for the world though.

This time recognition came to Jade with a slow glow. "You lead a horse to water..."

What a happy life he had the honor of living.

"But..." Chester nodded for her to continue.

Violet got herself onto her two feet and took a few shuffling steps toward him.

He prepared for that weight on his hips and held his hands out ready for her.

"You can't make him drink..." Jade curled a finger to her lips. "So with Vi...?"

With a grunt and groan, Chester got Violet up in his arms.

The little one curled against him, fatigued.

The park was a big, exciting world for a toddler.

"It means..." Chester paused in case Jade wanted to come to the conclusion herself.

Instead, her eyes shined as she stared up at him, ready for the answer.

"You can do everything in your power to help someone, but you can't force them to accept it." He explained.

Jade took a few steps toward him and pondered so hard it made her forehead scrunch up.

She was adorable.

A huge stock of black fabric passed by like a moving obelisk.

It pulled Chester's eye where he readjusted Violet's load.

It wasn't an inanimate object, but a long black coat.

It donned a very tall man who moved to the other side of the playground.

There, he found a spot to stop and in a turn revealed a blotch of green.

Topped with a shock of rich purple.

Eyes wide and free hand suddenly flapping anxiously for Jade's, Chester felt himself pale.

Donatello.

He hadn't seen the boy in years.

After the first few, Chester had been left to hope that Donatello had only taken his advice.

Despite the bitter end, he wished him nothing, but the best.

Donatello spoke.

Too far away and with a bustling park between them, there was no way Chester could hear.

What he could do was look down.

Where a joyful, albeit tired looking counterpart animatedly responded.

Chester's lips parted.

The second person then looked down before offering something up.

A small bundle whose lavender blanket wriggled to reveal another, much, much smaller green mutant.

Donatello took the baby and brought the child up to his face to coo something.

The older mutant's eyes gleamed.

Chester knew that look.

The one that topped eye bags as deep as canyons.

It was one he once sported.

It was the one his son-in-law now wore.

It was the look of a new father.

The way they looked at their own.

Donatello had a partner.

Donatello had a child.

"What's wrong, pop-pop?" Jade's voice broke in, thunderous amongst the many others.

Chester looked down and felt the tears streaking his cheeks.

He only gave a bright smile and continued to hold his hand out.

Jade took it and continued to stare up at him. "Are you hungry? Vi cries when she's hungry. Let's get you some lunch!"

Chester nodded and moved to leave the park with Jade in tow. "That sounds wonderful."

[misc-obeyme]

I think a lot of people who are currently complaining about the Main Story would maybe benefit if they just left it alone until all the Lessons finished coming out. Then just play through the Season all at once, in one go.

I don't know how many players here are oldheads (like me) but these are the same complaints I've seen for years. "The story is so boring" and "there's nothing happening" and "I don't care about X or Y this sucks" blah blah blah. There have been people making these complaints since like S2 and S3 of the original game.

Yes, obviously if you only play one Lesson every 10 days and have to wait for over a week before the next Lesson, things will feel like they're developing slowly. This is the same phenomenon that Anime fans have been dealing with since the 90s. I can name so many series where people were frustrated or disappointed while waiting for weekly episode releases, but suddenly when they watched a whole season in 1-2 days the series was way better. This happens all the time.

OM is telling a single story, over 20 individual Lessons, with a 10-day waiting period between each one. If you're finding it slow or boring, try letting the Season actually finish (or at the very least, let a few Lessons come out so you can read more than just one Lesson at a time) and then see how you feel about it. Things might flow a lot better when you don't have such long spaces in-between Lessons, and the plot might click with you more when you're reading everything in one go as a whole.

Well, I can only speak for myself, so I don't know how everybody else feels about it. Perhaps waiting until all the lessons are out and reading them all at once would indeed have an impact for some people.

I personally have only had an issue with the current season. When the first two seasons of Nightbringer were happening, I was so excited to read each lesson as it came out that I was writing unhinged posts about them every time. I wasn't bored at all and I actually prefer to wait for the next lesson to come out. It gives me time to really consider what happened in each section. But I've always preferred that. I almost never binge anything, even if I can. I like to draw it out~

Er but anyway, this particular season has been lackluster for me because the first two seasons were so full of drama and lore and I was on the edge of my seat almost every lesson. Sure there were some lessons that were a little slower and I was okay with that. I didn't mind taking a break in between crazy stuff for a little brotherly nonsense, that's what I know and love about this story.

The reason I'm bored with the science fair is that I don't see how it relates to all the plot and story they set up in the first two seasons. It was like here are two seasons where a bunch of stuff is happening, but nothing actually gets resolved. We still don't know who Nightbringer is. And I honestly would be okay with that, if they decided they wanted to drag out that reveal. But there's been no further information about him. Like if they're saving the reveal for a later season, at least give us little tantalizing hints about it in the current one.

I understand the point you're making here, anon. And I do think it could be more interesting for some people to do it that way. But for myself, I don't think it would make much of a difference. Perhaps it's also because the school related storylines are somewhat dull to me. I want more about demons and angels and stuff like Lucifer getting trapped in ice, I find science fair type stuff kind of a snooze. But that's just a personal preference!

And of course this is just my personal outlook on it! Everybody experiences the story differently and I think that every person's experience of it is valid. We all bring our own interpretations!

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Be Panda, Do Soft-Style

You know this guy?

I love this guy. Eh catches cannon balls and doesn't afraid of anything (it's an older meme, sir, but it checks out), except PTSD and low self-esteem. That's my Panda.

OK. So let's talk about negative emotions, pain, and crippling anxiety.

No! Ha-ha, well, okay, maybe a little.

Some of us like movies and TV because their sameness is comforting, they teach us valuable lessons, and they don't judge us if we have to go back and watch something again because we didn't understand - or just 'cos we like seeing it again, and we're having a parasocial relationship with everyone in it. And some of us need movies and TV for those same reasons. Maybe a little more, maybe a little less, but real-life people aren't going to be patient enough to help us learn the hard stuff, and we know that, so we stick with movies and TV. Society tends to label people like that, people like me, as autistic. Not always, but it's getting better at catching and labelling the behaviour.

So when I need help with a big concept, something super hard, I go running to movies, TV, and stories or metaphors of all kinds. That's the easiest way for me to learn and understand, but most of us like learning that way. At least a little.

So, let's talk about my Panda pal's kung fu.

Po fights dragon style, which is a soft style. Soft styles are more about seeing where the energy is coming from and redirecting it. Tigress, who is hard-style to her core, will punch a brick wall until she busts right through it. Po will just go, "Hey, there's a door! You guys? Door over here!" walk through, and maybe poke his head back out and ask, "You need anything while I'm in here? Okay. Cool." Soft style requires you to slow down enough, and be smart and patient enough, to find that door.

All kung fu is valid!

(I love you, Tigress! You can punch me anytime!)

But not all kung fu is appropriate for every situation. You punch through a cannonball, it explodes, and you get very badly injured or die.

I see a lot of stuff on Tumblr about people trying to punch through their pain, anxiety, and negative feelings. I don't like you, anxiety. I don't like you, depression. I don't need you. You're not real. You're a little bitch. I will defeat you. I will get better and better at defeating you, and you will go away FOREVER! DIEEEE!

It's my first instinct too! I don't want these things, they are hurting me, I want them to go away. If I were strong, I could just break through. Normal people break through these things like they're nothing (*bing!* I've just added another layer of wall, "I'm broken, I'm weak," to what I've already been failing to punch through). If I just keep pushing (adding more layers to the wall every time my punch fails to defeat it) I will get stronger, and better, and I will feel nothing!

"Is that what you want?" Oogway might say to Shifu, his student who insists on learning (and teaching) everything the hard way. "To feel nothing? That sounds rather sad to me."

"No! I want to get rid of these bad feelings so I can make good ones! I want to feel happy, and loved, and secure! I want self-confidence!"

"My poor friend is still holding a peach," the turtle might say, "and trying to force it to become an apple. And then, when he has done the impossible, he thinks he may deserve self-confidence."

"I can throw this peach at the wall, and destroy it, and go find an apple!"

The turtle laughs. "Then you will have made quite a mess! And when you return with your apple, you may find the peach pit you have abandoned has grown into another tree, with many more peaches for you to throw. But perhaps there is a better way." And he would pick a peach, and eat it, like turtles do, slowly, but without mercy, until it's all gone, even the pit, and walk away. "It was not bad, a little bitter. I think next, I will eat a dumpling."

My boi can catch a cannonball because he doesn't go after it hard-style. He takes it head-on, holds it in his furry little arms, and redirects it. He's not super great at getting it where he wants it to go, not at first, and it does set him on fire, but he's still alive!

"You know, this doesn't feel great, but dealing with your trauma and post-traumatic stress is a process! My fist hungers... for self-care! Ow!"

He does, eventually, get better at it (quickly, because we only have about 90 minutes to tell this story) and not every hit lands, but when one does, he holds it for a second, aims, and lets go. He does not punch, he does not try to stop that sucker cold, he holds it, deals with it, and lets it go. And once he figures out what he's doing, it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. He has fun. Po's not the Fun Police, if he's having fun, he accepts that too. Yep, okay, this could kill me, but it looks so cool! Let's have fun while it lasts! Ladies, gentlemen and others, I present: soft style.

Even if your brain behaves itself perfectly, in your life, you are gonna hit walls. Some of 'em won't slow you down. But when one does, the first thing you gotta do is acknowledge the fact that there is a WALL here. I know you don't want the wall, but there it is. It doesn't matter whether it belongs there, you don't have to justify it. Insulting it and interrogating it won't make it not be there. That irritating AOL voice yelling "You've got wall!" will not go away until you acknowledge receipt of your wall. Okay. I've got wall. I don't have to like it, but here it is. It is here.

(This is what they mean when they say "your emotions are valid," they're just insecure and trying to sound professional.)

Now what?

(OK, but assuming we don't have a flame-proof cartoon butt and a destiny.)

First: Don't punch the wall. Ah-ah-ah! Back up! How hard could it be to not do something? you think. This'll be easy! It's incredibly hard to comply with a negative. Don't read this. Yeah. Now don't think of a solid white zebra. ... ... ... Yeah. Ka-POW! Ouch! Why does that hurt? I'd better punch it again and figure it out!

Stop. Redirect. Since we're using a wall metaphor here, you gotta go sideways. (Indeed, given enough time, all things shall become crab.) If there were a door right in front of your face, you'd see it. Forwards is not an option right now. Be a good little crustacean and pick a new direction. This is also how one extricates one's self from a riptide - people die because it's counterintuitive. You want to be back on the beach, why would you swim towards more ocean? Attacking the obstacle at its strongest point will not get you where you wanna go any faster than looking for a way around. In fact, sometimes, it won't get you there at all.

Are you still, intermittently, thinking of a solid white zebra? Like, what would that even look like? How would I know it's not just a white horse? Well, if you weren't before you are now. OK. So every time that zebra comes back, think of a solid white peacock with a tragic backstory.

(I know he's not solid white, I'm just being silly. Forgive me.)

If you take a step towards the sexy (but still extremely evil and genocidal) peacock, you are moving sideways. If you keep it up, you'll get a little distance, a little perspective, and when you have enough room to stop banging your head like a stubborn moth, maybe you'll be able to see a door in the wall... Or some convenient fireworks, who knows? Maybe you do have a destiny. Then, you'll be able to go through.

...Though it may be a squeeze, and you might not end up exactly where you thought you wanted to go.

(Oh, no, stairs!)

Or maybe you'll end up someplace even better and more surprising.

"You just wanted to see the tournament? Well, now you're the Dragon Warrior. Have fun with that."

But, again, this is a skill that takes practice. Every time you manage to stop or head sideways instead of banging into the wall is a victory. Eventually, you will get better at it.

I mean, you know, I've heard.

(This is me. I wanna be Po, but it's just my nature to fight hard and make everything harder. Maybe one of these days I'll accept that, and stop fighting my nature and making it harder, but I wouldn't bet on it.)

Doctors and mental health professionals will tell you, most pain is anxiety. Part of that is the simple physical fact that when you tense up and struggle, it hurts more. Some things can be fought hard style, and some things can't. Slow down, take your time, feel the flow - and then you can decide whether to go with it, go against it, or go around.

For example, I was having serious anxiety because, right when I got up, a lot of things were going wrong, and needed attention, and I couldn't fix them all, or even one. So I let someone I trust give me a little help, and I wrote a little mental health article with my friend, the Panda. Maybe I'll find a way to go forward in a little while, or maybe not yet, but I already feel a little better.

(Even this guy smiles once in a blue moon.)

Thanks to the Kung Fu Panda Wiki for hosting most of the images I needed. And if you "like" this content, reblog it 'cos I'm trying to get known around here. That goes for just about everyone else, too.

[sunbeamstress]

i jumped on the Walking Dead train really late, but i got to finish the show with the fans and i thought it was excellent. it also marks the second or third time i've binged a piece of acclaimed media that became noteworthy for fucking over its fans - the last time was when i beat the mass effect trilogy, a decade late. i thought that was excellent too.

of course it's a lot easier when the game you're playing already has the patched-in ending option and all its DLC, and walking dead was definitely easier to get through since when season 5 ended, i could go right into season 6 without The Cliffhanger

it's clear that the show i watched wasn't the show that AMC presented. scrubbed of its social media gaffes and godawful pacing, it was honestly a thrill ride. it takes a little time to stumble its way through the first two seasons, and the third is definitely more of a slow burn of dread, but if you can punch your way through those you're rewarded with a tense thriller that rarely wastes its time - every scene demands your attention and reveals something new. the moment my life settles down again i want to binge-watch it all over again with a friend.

in my early/mid twenties, i'd fallen in love with an artsy little tech-fetishist webcomic about a few kids struggling to avert the end of the world. you might have heard of it, it was called Homestuck. it would go on to balloon into a very different sort of work from the one it began (i miss the Amiga graphics and quotes from poets/novelists), but also it was the first time i looked around to realize i was in the middle of a fandom. and in those days it wasn't a lovely sight.

my problem was i hadn't been inoculated against this sort of thing yet. from the moment i discovered the MSPA forums, it was impossible for me to experience homestuck without also crossing over to get a life feed of how the fans were enjoying it, and that was uhh, complicated. i have a lot i could say about Andrew Hussie as a creator and maybe one day he'll get his very own rambling not-quite-essay from me, but i maintain that i didn't get to enjoy Homestuck the way it deserved because i am the sort of person whose opinions can be influenced by others. you are too, don't judge.

i hold fast to my conviction that the best way to enjoy something is to enjoy it pure and alone, or with at most perhaps two friends whose tastes you can trust. all too often i've seen people try to make it through the walking dead, or better call saul, or mass effect, or homestuck, or anything, while tapped into the overwhelming torrent of fandom opinion.

it actually makes things worse.

as the internet is fond of saying: the walking dead was a hell of a lot better without a bitch in my ear telling me it sucked.

there's a lot to say about how they reused the same ol' same ol' plot: zombos force the crew to move, they get settled in, then they solve some zombo-related problems until the newest batch of Desperate And/Or Corrupt And/Or Treacherous Humans comes to prove that actually we were the monsters all along

except it's fucking dope? they bare-knuckle brawl a shitload of walkers in a prison and take it over? and then they fight a war with the neighboring town??

Terminus, to me, is a singular point in the show that stands out in my mind. it was the moment i was like "oh shit. i think actually like this show." nevermind the way they began cranking up the horror factor (watching them slit that guy's throat in the horse trough was wild), but then Carol shows up and fucking Judge Dredds the place?

and then we see Rick turn from do-gooder cop to feral den mother who is willing to rip a guy's throat out and fjksdhgfjkhgjkhg oh my GOD how did you people not like this show

and then:

it was genuinely incredible watching Rick's role in the universe transform. we see him as an agent who is only ever acted upon: first by the emergence of walkers, then by a revolving door of people he can't trust, people he shouldn't trust but does, and people who have a funny way of doing the right thing just when you expect them to fail you the most.

but it's no way to live a life after the world has ended, and he has to get tough. his role changes, quite quickly, from agent to actor, and now he is the one with the control. he's the one sniffing out your bullshit, doing that unhinged lupine head-cock of his, and sending you to hell at the end of a colt python.

maybe if i was a man, i'd feel a little of what the fans seemed to have felt when Negan showed up. maybe i would have put myself in Rick's place, and found a little vicarious pleasure in the feeling of being a respected leader, building a new home with my bare hands; maybe i would have experienced disappointment or defeat or whatever the moment a bigger guy with a bigger gun shows up.

but what i saw was a hornet's nest being stirred; the natural reaction of a world much bigger than you just when you've begun to think you might control some of it. negan wasn't some Bigger Guy, he was a symbol, a walking metaphor for how things are always going to go when men like rick try to purchase peace with violence. if it wasn't Negan it was going to be someone else. i adamantly believe the fans hated negan because negan was holding up a mirror to them.

when i go on about this show, i genuinely do love all of it (even the nightmarishly slow seasons 9 and 10), but the images in my head all come from season 5, especially when they raid the hospital back in the city. the walking dead does not disappoint with aesthetics. the sets were phenomenal.

long, dramatic shots of broken chain link fences, sun-baked highways, half-abandoned urban streets with boarded windows and nothing left but graffiti. honestly feels a little like my childhood. i'm an urbex bitch at heart and i never wanted ANYTHING so desperately as the chance to get in there with Carol and Aaron and Maggie et al, and go plumbing the tombs of Atlanta for rocket launchers and medicine.

and while i never want to see backroads or quaint country towns ever again in my life, i won't deny that the backdrops of rural georgia and virginia gave the walking dead a unique visual language, a kind of run-down western vibe that really helped cement the feeling that these were just regular salt-of-the-earth people, forced to do extraordinary things. most of my dreams now usually have the same hickory and pine trees that dotted the countrysides.

i don't really know what i was trying to accomplish when i began this post (it's the only way i know how to write baby!) but to summarize, i fucking loved this show. i genuinely hold it to be one of the seminal works of modern zombie horror and also just an incredibly good survival soap opera about what it means to be alive in a world that has violently rejected you. i'm genuinely glad i gave it a chance and i'm so grateful my brother recommended it to me. i love you, bro.

[finniestoncrane]

Finnie, my lovely gal, if it’s not too much to ask could I get a uhhh… no.9 with a side of you’re-a-really-awesome-writer jalapeño poppers and an extra sweet master-of-simp-fics iced tea please?

So I’m a Latina from Texas, but I am whiter than a damn ghost until around summertime where I get a little bit of a tan. ☀️ I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression, and I am somehow on the spectrum but not really (you can thank my psychiatrist) 🙃 I’m into drawing stuff especially if it’s fantastical and/or creepy. I like reading, gaming, doing stuff online, playing on my phone and lots of other stuff I rarely have time for 😅 Creepy stuff is my jam, as well as the colors pink and black and some cute things here and there. I love almost all types of music but I’m a BIG fan of classic rock and I love early 2000’s punk, Pour Some Sugar On Me is my favorite song while Green Day is my favorite band! Horror movies fill me with joy, not even kidding. I love weird facts and information. True crime stuff slaps 👌🏼Comedy shows like Friends and Golden Girls also slap 👋🏼 I have an eyebrow piercing, 5 tattoos (4 small, 1 big that was for my Nanna) and I definitely want more ��😅 I have dirty blonde hair, hazel eyes, a scar on my back from spinal fusion surgery and I’m pretty proud of it tbh!

I’m sorry for rambling and I hope I didn’t add too much ❤️🥲

🎀 No.9: Ever Fallen In Love With Someone 🎀

tell me a little bit about yourself and i'll give you a rogue pairing a/n: ah peach this is perfect, i already knew lots about you but this was great because i know exactly who i would give you lmao💚 1k milestone info! 🔞minors dni🔞 • kofi • tag: finnie1k

ok so let's break this the fuck down!

first off, i think this particular crane is an absolute beast when it comes to mental health, so not only would he find it absolutely fascinating to be able to work with you, he could also prove to be very valuable in helping you to do some healing... or he might be mean about it, just depends on his mood i guess

i think this jon is probably a fan of classical music, but there's something about the dirty, nasty, loud vibes of punk that would get him going and the general horror/gore emotions that the songs/bands/music tend to evoke would be right up his street. he'd probably tell you how the different movements in "jesus of suburbia" really echo the movements often found in a lot of symphonies, and then request to bang you to it

artistic expression is something he would admire in a partner, or even a close friend. i don't imagine he's very artisitic himself, but he holds a deep appreciation for artwork, especially if it's on the spooky side, and especially if it's related to a beloved horror movie

which, speaking of, he'd the biggest horror movie fan ever? like canonically, the man is a buff, a dork, an obsessive loser over horror movies. having someone to get equally as geeked out over them with would bring him so much joy!!

hello true crime fan, it's probably not great for your anxiety, and he will nag you a little bit about that, but he wouldn't be above creating some reading materials for you if it's been a slow week, if you catch his drift...

he has a great sense of humour, if not slightly weird... but he strikes me as the kind of guy who has lines from shows memorised and who will use them at the worst times, making everything he says even creepier. so a binge refresh would be a perfect couple's activity! that way the next time he has someone held at knife point, teasing them to watch them sweat, he can make "could you be any more scared" the most terrifying reference to chandler bing ever. what an accomplishment!

[fightingmonsterswithwords]

Do you have any idea of when you'll have the next chapter of Cursed and Divine up to post?? I'm not trying to make you feel pressure or anything, just curious if there's a specific day I can anticipate for or if I shall not so patiently, but patiently wait for that lovely little subscription email to show up in my inbox randomly.

I hope you had/are having a good time with your friend in Germany and that life is treating you well! 💕

Hi!!

Don't worry, you can ask anything you want, even about updates, I don't feel pressured by it. I'm kinda thrilled you're asking about the fic, haha. 💖

Soooo, the funny thing is I wrote the entire outline for next chapter as soon as I finished the last one. THERE'S A TINY SURPRISE IN THIS ONE 👀 ... But - I can only write on weekends mostly, and the trip alone consummed one entire weekend. As of now, I've only got like two Word pages written down.

The not-so-funny thing is that my friend got sick while we were there and soon after we returned I started feeling a bit under the weather, and today I'm definitely sick. (I get sick a lot, my defenses are terrible. 🙃) So, yeah, I'm not confident I will be able to update this week, but I will try my best to have the chapter next week at the latest. Like I've said many times I'm a terribly slow writer, partly because I mull over almost every single line (specially because English is my second language and boy, it doesn't matter how many times I re-read things, there's always some mistake or false friend that skipped my notice 😭). But who knows, I might feel better and binge-write the whole thing and have it ready sooner than I expected. Fingers crossed!

As soon as I finished working today I opened up the file, anyway, haha. I'm going to read over last chapter (I usually do that before writing the next one, so that I can also correct spelling errors, etc) and jump right into it. 💪 Let's hope my brain cooperates.

Thank you so much for reading and the support, really. I easily get discouraged, and I shouldn't, because I can see there's a lot of people who are liking the story 🥰

PS. The trip to Germany was great in any case; if anything, I came back with renewed intent to keep studying that damn language 🤣 I want to come back and actually walk around and see stuff, because we were cooped up in a hotel for the convention next to the airport most of the time, and the one day we could visit places (we had like 10 hours to kill before our return flight) a lot of museums and such were closed because it was Monday. It was in Düsseldorf. I'd also like to visit Munich and Berlin in the future.

[beingdreeyore]

Reflecting today on how much has changed...

Today has been tough. It feels like a rough day, one of the lowest days, like tears would be acceptable and necessary, but at the same time it looks so different to how these days used to look.

I woke exhausted but also relieved that it was one of my three 'work from home' days left for the year. One or two nights a week the pain in my spine is so bad that I spend the night tossing and turning, endlessly searching for some magical (and fictional) position that will ease it all so I can drift off to sleep. Midnight passes in a flash. 3am becomes 4am. The traffic starts outside. Then it's 5am. Suddenly the song that plays at sunrise on my speakers is gently floating through my tiny apartment and it's time to get up, regardless of how sleepless the night was.

Thursdays I do a walk though. Not the longest walk, but a decent walk before the day starts. Otherwise I might spend the entire day in the safety of the apartment and never hit a single heartbeat over 100 in a minute. It's tempting to be that person. I struggled the whole way with lumbar discomfort and a heaviness in my legs but reassured by the physio yesterday that what is happening is not doing damage, it's rebuilding.

Once home, I did a practice multiple choice exam. I passed but it wasn't the mark that I'd set in my mind. I know on exam day I have to factor in what will likely be a sleepless night the night before and also performance anxiety. It wasn't high enough to make me feel safe if both those things occur, but I still passed. Two months ago I failed in the most spectacular fashion and I thought I'd never get to this stage - I'm passing each and every practice run. It was a sleepless night and I want to sit down and sob, and yet I was still able to pass.

There's a bottle of wine in the fridge and as the urge to cry hit me at regular intervals, I thought about it. But I went back to my questions and my emails. Finalised my reports. Attempted some dancing on my lunch break. The alcohol is still unopened. Would it have been three months ago?

Dancing was a mess. It's only one move that's breaking me but the whole routine relies on it. It occurs in the first 15 seconds and then at regular intervals afterwards. After 35 minutes of not making it past the 16th second, I gave up. It beat me today. I wanted to cry again, but didn't. I wanted to binge eat, but didn't. I stuck to my nutrition plan. I made an appointment with the clinical psychologist I haven't seen in six months, just in case these symptoms linger. And all the while I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I didn't drink or eat or give up. The sadness comes too but the work still gets done.

The thing about this atypical depression is that it kicks my butt. It kicks my butt, it makes me fat, it takes my sleep, and it slows me down to a stage where I come home from work each day exhausted. But where the wins are though is that when I reflected on my goals for the month and my goals from last month, I'd met them all. Well, all except the weight loss.

The reduced drinking. The sticking to the nutrition plan. The exercise as dictated by the physio. The daily study. The meal prep. All those things I told myself I had to do to get through this, I did them. It didn't look like that the last time I was in this place. The last time it looked very much like I was drowning. I can usually manage a few on certain days, but I don't do all on every day. It hasn't been easy. It's been checklists and reminders and a lot of positive self-talk, as well as self tough love. There's also been inner negotiation and bargaining but it's paid off. Regardless of how low I feel the work is still getting done. How many times did I put these exams off because the lows were too much?

So today is a day of reflecting. It's not perfect. I still slip up. I have so much more work to do. But little things today like hearing my inner voice tell me that I'm not unloveable hit home. Has that inner voice ever told me that? I've told myself on repeat so many times that I'm not asking for too much when I ask for the bare minimum that I suddenly seem to believe it. It feels real and no longer contrived. I know what I want and it's more than being offered. It feels rude and ridiculous that men expect me to settle for far less knowing what they will get in return. When did I start believing that?

So there has been reflection. Its a win on a day like today and I'm taking it as such. I know it won't be perfect and I don't expect that of myself. But I have my checklists and my reminders and I know I will get through this too. Though I only see it when I look back, it's clear now that each time I get a little stronger and I get a little closer to beating this for good. Today I am grateful for finally having that realisation and for learning to love myself enough to be able to even get to this place.

[amysnotdeadyet]

2023 in review

Just the fannish creations, thanks. I don't want to think too hard about how fucking weird and stressful the year was outside of that. XD

I found some old 00Q art hiding on my hard drive and posted it in Feb.

I wrote a short Inception ficlet for @ladyprydian in April to try to jumpstart my muses. It didn't work.

I binge-wrote a whole-ass Sandman fic with (gasp!) fade-to-black porn in it in May.

July brought the Stony games! I was much less prolific than last year, but I managed a few things, starting with 3 little drabbles about perception.

I did a giftfic for the games! It starts in media res and I, being a troll, titled it In Pornia Res because yeah, this one's just pure porn against a background of worldbuilding.

I posted a longstanding WIP that was 100% self-indulgent trash, with Tony and Steve getting Bucky as their new sugar baby and treating him them right. Absolutely just the fluffiest of trash, but 66K of it!

I posted another longstanding WIP that's really pre-slash (I KNOW so weird) but involves catboy Tony, catboy Bucky, and a puppy Steve who's gonna get both (after the fic anyway).

My last little Stony Games fill was 8-bit pixel porn, because of course it was.

Later in August I did the "write what you want to see" thing and banged out (heh) a very kinky Stranger Things fic with Steve/Eddie and a leather bar. Somehow, it's still extremely fluffy.

I drew! Fanart! With pens and shit! Also Steve/Eddie.

And then I made pixel art of them, because why not.

Another Steddie fic, this time a modern AU with 'lost touch' feelings and also banging the rockstar in his hotel room.

And finally, my MTH2021 fic is posting a year late, and will continue on into the new year. It's all done and edited, I just like the daily posting method for getting drip-fed dopamine and also sitting there posting 29 chapters at once is no bueno.

You can find all of this stuff here, so I'm not link-stuffing the post: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swtalmnd/works

What's Coming in 2024 (besides my blorbos)

I have a few more Stuckony WIPs waiting in the wings, including my MTH 2022 fic, which I hope to finish in time to actually participate in 2024.

I have at least 1 novel coming out and maybe 2? I didn't publish ANY original fiction last year (gah), but I finished 1 draft (the sequel to Hive) and am plodding along on 2 more (Julian 4 and something new). I am so slow these days, tho, gah. I have no idea how some people put out multiple books a year, year after year.

I've got a few more Eeveeon arts to share, which I always forget to do on Tumbls.

I might actually open commissions next year (for art, I don't enjoy fic commissions).

I'm gonna a Stuckony Valentine thing, so you'll get at least one short fic from me in Feb.

I'm hoping something new will sweep me into its fandomy arms, because while I do love my current blorbos (MCU & Stranger Things), neither one is really doing the full fixation dance in my brain and that's sad. OTOH I'd like to finish my MCU WIPs before that spark fully dies ahahaha haha ha.

As far as art goes, I'm keeping up my Patreon sketch cards and not a ton else, but my new-new meds are helping me Get Shit Done, so I'm really hoping that I can get back into larger-than-a-playing-card artwork, both fannish and non.

I'm still gonna do more of my 8-bit bullshit, though.

[thessalian]

Thess vs AGAIN WITH THE DEMOS

I continue with the demos because why not? I'm not doing all that well mentally or emotionally today, so little snippets of demo seems to be the best I can do. If I run out of demos I actually want to play, it'll probably be either comfort gaming, Zen gaming, or one of those Dark Pictures Anthology games - something that doesn't require too much of me.

Tiny Cats: It's cute, and it's a nice little Zen game, but I hope the devs fix some of the spelling mistakes in the intro, and add a thing where you can click to skip the text scroll and just ... have the text there to read.

Fruitbus: Again, another cute one - this one's a cooking sim of sorts. It's first person, so I'm going to have to be careful, and the demo is janky as hell, but they've got a little over a week so hopefully the actual game is a little less made of bug. It's still on the list, though. I could use more cute cooking game in my life.

Hidden Wings and Paws: Another hidden object puzzle game, a little more variety than just cats, but the optimisation is bullshit. A HOP game shouldn't have lag in mouse movement. Still, I like it when it finally smooths out a bit. It makes the list.

Gnomdom: Another puzzle game, more of a messing-with-the-set-dressing thing. It's a low priority because it's not great at establishing exactly what you need to do. I get not wanting to hand-hold people through a puzzle game, but there's a difference between hand-holding and giving reasonable clues.

Out Of Your Mind: Huh. Choices matter visual novel, dystopian with a hint of potentially eldritch. Yeah, looking forward to that one coming out, or at least getting more of an idea of the mechanics beyond the choice between actually talking to people and ... not.

Cat and Seek: Tokyo: Another HOP game with cats. Not a favourite - a little too busy for me - but I guess it's a thing to look into when I run out of the ones I prefer.

Fayrehaven: Interesting take on the usual life / trading sim, but the controls are a little fiddly. Not necessarily janky, just ... fiddly. Sort of a maybe.

Door4: Ultimatum: Sort of a logic puzzle thing, where you have to pick the right door to progress based on clues in the environment, but definitely way down the list because it involves first-person camera and no way I could find to slow down movement.

Midnight Swamp: The "For You" section of the Steam Next Fest knows what I like, because this is another puzzle game. Interesting premise, a little lighter on the guidance than I generally like, but the art style is nice and there's no jank, so I call it a win.

Cabernet: Interactive novel, vampires, certain amount of RPG with stats and skills... There's a simplified Disco Elysium vibe to the mechanics, but it's less ... fever-dream, I guess? (Sorry; I never got my head around DE.) This is the first one on the list of demos where I sat there at the end going, "Wait, it's over? Nooooooo! I want more game!" Of course, it's also one of the ones with a release date that was apparently sooner than it used to be, given its place on my wishlist (I downloaded that one awhile ago), but got pushed back. Woe.

That'll do for now. I should dig up some more demos, after I rearrange my wishlist. I tend to keep it fairly tidy, trimming down the list somewhat (which makes up for these Next Fest additions binges) and organising it for easy reference. Basically, it's in order of how badly I want it - greatest to least - and then the ones that aren't out yet down at the bottom, by release date. Unless I want them really, really badly on the strength of the demo, which puts them at the top of the list despite not being out yet. On that basis, I might have to move Veilguard, because I'm hugely ambivalent about that one. I want it, but I also don't, if you get me? I'm struggling enough with Silent Hill 2; that combat is probably going to break me. But maybe the accessibility options will help in a way that the ones in Silent Hill 2 don't. After all, making an invincibility mode in a survival horror game probably goes against the devs' sensibilities, whereas the Veilguard devs understand that some people are only in it for the story.

This has not entirely helped my absolutely shit mood and general level of pain, but it did distract me for it for awhile, I guess. And my air fryer arrived. I'm probably going to spend this week looking up recipes to use in it. And it's going to take so much less space than my dehydrator. I'll take my silver linings where I can find them. Sometimes, Zen is rearranging the list of things I want and setting up things I won't be using straight away. It's the possibility and potential. It's looking at what wonders tomorrow might bring, which means I am expecting and anticipating a tomorrow. Doesn't sound like much sometimes, but on bad days, looking at the possibility of tomorrow as anything but a horror-show is everything.

[speakmindfully]

Dichotomy

I've had a lot of time to think lately, and I've been trying to use it well. Remember how you or somewhere online there was a quote about if you don't make space to slow down your body will choose a day for you? Welp, it finally happened. A classic Christmas klutz move. Fell down an entire flight of stairs with Christmas decorations in hand and broke my foot to smithereens. I've been a housebound cripple off of work and paramedic duties for the upcoming weeks and it's been a nice guilt-free way of slowing my roll. I've come to peace with certain things I'd tried to bury because I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to face them. I've started making candles with crystals and dried flowers, writing in a reflective "burn when you finish" book, and trying to enjoy my typical self care. I've re-organized my room and re-potted a few plants, and definitely taken more naps than I care to admit.

I'm really trying to re-connect to my inner self, which, in fact, definitely is the little witchy woodland fairy that's always been hiding out. I've come to terms with enjoying my own company and not relying on others or a job to make me feel whole. I've always lived by the seat of my pants and been somewhat preoccupied with being "liked by everyone". I've always taken pride in being nice and sweet to everyone but I've also come to realize that it's okay to be a little mean; To limit people's access to you for your own peace, self-respect, and that you don't have to attempt to solve everyone's problems. Sometimes my niceness combined with my imposter syndrome has made me look naive or easy to bulldoze in the workplace and in life. I'm trying to work on strengthening my inner power and strengths and hang onto that to catapult me into a mindset of abundance rather than a mindset of deficit.

I've found through this injury, as silly as it sounds, but embracing princess tendencies and not feeling guilty about it is nice. My roommate will bring me coffee or dinner when I couldn't walk, and my parents would pick me up for things so I wouldn't have to drive, or people would hold doors and offer to get things for me and i'd let them. Normally I'm a "it's okay I got it" person, but when you physically can't, it's much harder to deny the help. I started realizing through that, that it's okay to allow people to do things for you, what do you have to prove? That you CAN do it? Why? If someone is offering to help you, it's okay to collaborate. I offer help for things all the time, but I think part of that was out of fear of seeming spoiled or useless.

I'm still exploring my natural avoidance to accepting help, but I think it has something to do with proving that I'm capable, or proving that I'm independent. But people gravitate towards kindness and I'm so much more than my career/accomplishments. I've centered most of my life around work, so now that I'm unable to work for a bit, I've been forced to think "well what do I have to offer now?" and it's made me start re-defining my relationship with my career and work. I'm so much more than that. I think 2024 will be focused on sharpening my internal reflection and self-actualization skills, and focusing on things that make me happy.

I might finally get my medical tattoo this year after I pass my boards, but I've grown less attached to the idea of getting it now that I'm trying not to view work as a badge I flash to prove I can do something. Part of being an adult is talking about work most of the time, but when you're with your closest friends, how often do you all REALLY talk about work (unless you're besties with your co-workers?) Not a ton right? You bond over fun hobbies, dumb internet memes, TV shows you've binged, books you read, places you want to travel, and MAYBE occasionally share some fun work stories. Don't get me wrong I LOVE to talk shop because I adore what I do, but it's not everything. I don't want to be a work robot who doesn't get to enjoy life. I want to be a bad-ass Sterling Rescue Paramedic, and ED tech who can handle the grit of the field but at home is a soft, dainty wilderness flower child who you'd never picture has any kind of bad-ass-ness to her. I want to embrace the dichotomy of essentially being two entirely different people. Work me vs home me. Two people I'm extremely proud of and privileged to know and become, but not one-dimensional.

I'm going to enjoy my upcoming weeks as a sleepy housecat for now.

[homo-ousios]

Watch list tag game!

Tagged by @benkaaoi <3

I have a discord server for organizing my life, and one channel on there is exclusively dedicated to keeping track of shows. If I were this organized about my research, the book would be published already. Oh well.

☼ Currently Watching (Binging)

Previous seasons of Take Guy Out Thailand (yt). Not only is it gay and stupid and a great way to listen to unscripted colloquial Thai, but Lek Davika is one of the podium leaders <3 Downside is almost no subtitles, but it'll really bootcamp your listening skills.

Merry Queer (gaga). After His Man finished airing last week, I went looking for other gay reality shows and found this. Obviously it's meant mostly to educate straight viewers, so it's very gender theory 101 and all, but you do get to learn a decent amount about queer history and culture in South Korea, which I found interesting. Plus, the stories are incredibly sweet.

☼ Currently Watching (Airing)

180 Degrees Longitude (gaga). This is excellent. I'm worried about how it will end because it's serious gay media, so it might be tragic. It's not protected by the bl/romcom genre conventions. I hate sad endings, so prayer circle for this one.

Minato's Laundromat (gaga). I hate age-gap romances, but this is done pretty considerately. It's a sweet, slow-paced, slice-of-life drama, and to me it's worth watching for Japanese practice.

In a similar vein, Takara to Amagi (gaga). Again, it uses a lot of tropes that I hate (infantilized uke, oh no sex is terrifying/so sorry for having a libido, we would rather die than communicate clearly, etc.). But Japan produces relatively little bl, and it's always short, so I just watch it anyway. I need listening practice and I refuse to watch anything hetero. They need to put out a second season of Rea(L)ove, with more queers this time.

Returning to Thailand, The Eclipse (yt). I like it well enough so far. It's weird to try to see First as a high school student after Not Me, but he's a delight to watch regardless. I like that GMMTV is producing this subgenre of queer-directed anti-establishment bl. Very cash money of them.

Vice Versa (yt). I'm trying y'all, but I just don't like this one very much. It's much more in GMMTV's normal mode: cute but sexless, and without much of substance to say. Which is fine obviously, romcoms don't need to say anything. Make as much gay cotton candy as you want. So long as someone else is making KinnPorsche, Not Me, and the Pornographer, I'll be happy.

Love in the Air (yt). I've actually only watched 1 ep of this, but I'll catch up eventually. I know everyone clutches their pearls about how problematic MAME's stuff is, but I've honestly never thought it was as bad as all that, and at least it's not boring.

☼ Rewatching:

I'm not rewatching anything at the moment. It's been a few weeks, so I might take KinnPorsche for another spin. I've also been thinking about rewatching Bad Buddy, just to try and figure out what everyone's so into. I mean I enjoyed the show when it aired, but to me it was just more GMMTV normie fluff. Perfectly nice, but forgettable. People are still posting about it though, so maybe I should give it another chance?

☼ Looking forward to

Be On Cloud's new movie. I have watched that trailer 900 times and I will watch it again.

The announcement of KinnPorsche season 2. Come on, Be On Cloud, I know you got me. Don't leave me hanging.

The Cherry Magic movie. Speaking of cute and sexless fluff. Whatever though, Kurodachi can give me diabetes for all I care. I just wanna see them live happily ever after.

GAP the series. Woahhh, lesbians.

Tagging: @liyazaki @nerasvalhalla @decaffeinatedmate @snake-and-mouse @bwatchesdramas @rythyme @bitacrytic @scarefox i mean literally whoever feels like it, i will read and like your post