speakmindfully

[speakmindfully]

[speakmindfully]

[speakmindfully]

#Meow Wolf Denver CO

You are nostalgia.

It’s fascinating that you show up everywhere. All the time. Songs in stores, quotes in museums, tattoos on strangers, cars on the road, jewelry in stores, in my tattoos, trinkets in thrift shops, in sunsets, in friends’ hobbies, in nature, on drives, in reflections.

You are ever present and ever in my aura. It’s incredible how you never escape me, and I swear glimpses of your soul all over the place. It warms me when I see them too, just smiling at the microcosms that are you, woven into in all that I am and am around. I’m not sure what it’s like for you but it’s always been comforting, no matter what kind of terms we’ve been on. You are nostalgic in every way.

I feel like you don’t share that sentiment and that any fleeting memories are harsh and sharp for you which is in turn painful to me, but every glimpse of you is a positive and happy twinge for my soul. I felt quite nostalgic when I was struck with this photo, at the museum we always talked about seeing but never thought we’d see. It was a total happy accident that I got to see it with Donovan in her new city but it was riddled with you in every way. You’d love it. Everything about it. I walked with you in spirit through the whole thing and it made my heart both heavy and full. It was a strange feeling, but I knew how much you’d love it. How much you’d talk about every single exhibit. How you’d spend hours looking at the depth of a single area and having to drag you to the next exhibit. It was so you.

Anyway, just some post shift nostalgia to dote on, some reflecting and exploring to do, walks down memory lane, the like.

[speakmindfully]

Dichotomy

I've had a lot of time to think lately, and I've been trying to use it well. Remember how you or somewhere online there was a quote about if you don't make space to slow down your body will choose a day for you? Welp, it finally happened. A classic Christmas klutz move. Fell down an entire flight of stairs with Christmas decorations in hand and broke my foot to smithereens. I've been a housebound cripple off of work and paramedic duties for the upcoming weeks and it's been a nice guilt-free way of slowing my roll. I've come to peace with certain things I'd tried to bury because I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to face them. I've started making candles with crystals and dried flowers, writing in a reflective "burn when you finish" book, and trying to enjoy my typical self care. I've re-organized my room and re-potted a few plants, and definitely taken more naps than I care to admit.

I'm really trying to re-connect to my inner self, which, in fact, definitely is the little witchy woodland fairy that's always been hiding out. I've come to terms with enjoying my own company and not relying on others or a job to make me feel whole. I've always lived by the seat of my pants and been somewhat preoccupied with being "liked by everyone". I've always taken pride in being nice and sweet to everyone but I've also come to realize that it's okay to be a little mean; To limit people's access to you for your own peace, self-respect, and that you don't have to attempt to solve everyone's problems. Sometimes my niceness combined with my imposter syndrome has made me look naive or easy to bulldoze in the workplace and in life. I'm trying to work on strengthening my inner power and strengths and hang onto that to catapult me into a mindset of abundance rather than a mindset of deficit.

I've found through this injury, as silly as it sounds, but embracing princess tendencies and not feeling guilty about it is nice. My roommate will bring me coffee or dinner when I couldn't walk, and my parents would pick me up for things so I wouldn't have to drive, or people would hold doors and offer to get things for me and i'd let them. Normally I'm a "it's okay I got it" person, but when you physically can't, it's much harder to deny the help. I started realizing through that, that it's okay to allow people to do things for you, what do you have to prove? That you CAN do it? Why? If someone is offering to help you, it's okay to collaborate. I offer help for things all the time, but I think part of that was out of fear of seeming spoiled or useless.

I'm still exploring my natural avoidance to accepting help, but I think it has something to do with proving that I'm capable, or proving that I'm independent. But people gravitate towards kindness and I'm so much more than my career/accomplishments. I've centered most of my life around work, so now that I'm unable to work for a bit, I've been forced to think "well what do I have to offer now?" and it's made me start re-defining my relationship with my career and work. I'm so much more than that. I think 2024 will be focused on sharpening my internal reflection and self-actualization skills, and focusing on things that make me happy.

I might finally get my medical tattoo this year after I pass my boards, but I've grown less attached to the idea of getting it now that I'm trying not to view work as a badge I flash to prove I can do something. Part of being an adult is talking about work most of the time, but when you're with your closest friends, how often do you all REALLY talk about work (unless you're besties with your co-workers?) Not a ton right? You bond over fun hobbies, dumb internet memes, TV shows you've binged, books you read, places you want to travel, and MAYBE occasionally share some fun work stories. Don't get me wrong I LOVE to talk shop because I adore what I do, but it's not everything. I don't want to be a work robot who doesn't get to enjoy life. I want to be a bad-ass Sterling Rescue Paramedic, and ED tech who can handle the grit of the field but at home is a soft, dainty wilderness flower child who you'd never picture has any kind of bad-ass-ness to her. I want to embrace the dichotomy of essentially being two entirely different people. Work me vs home me. Two people I'm extremely proud of and privileged to know and become, but not one-dimensional.

I'm going to enjoy my upcoming weeks as a sleepy housecat for now.

[speakmindfully]

Grounding,

I think you know me better than I know me, I don’t even know how that’s possible but you do. And you’re always right. When I find myself lost and spinning, your old grounding techniques are what I try to keep myself centered. How do we avoid in life that feeling of constantly spinning? Constantly with a mind running haywire. How do you ground yourself when you feel like you’re swimming under water in a tidal pool and can’t find your way to the surface? There’s so much we learn about ourselves when we only have ourselves to rely on. There’s so much out there to learn about who we are and what we stand for and what we like and don’t like. I feel like I know who I am, yet I’m still a Little Rock floating in a galaxy with no idea how to land.

How do you do it? How do you find peace? How are you always right about how to find solace and look within yourself, and within me? I immersed myself in a nature walk this week for the first time in months because I’ve been busier than I’ve ever been, and it was so pretty. So quiet. I could stand still in the middle of the forest and there would only be a few rustles of trees and the occasional bird and I felt calm. I felt like everything was being wiped from my mind and I escaped reality a little bit. I don’t remember the last time I was down here in the fall where the trees looked as vibrant as they were. It’s been a long time. I’m still scared of the forest because bears, and serial killers, but the quiet and the beauty of the trees and river were wonderful. It really helped me quiet the mind, even for just a moment. How did you know that a part of me deep down yearned to be in nature and heal in solitude and have a little woodland fairy energy hidden away?

If it wasn’t getting dark I’d have driven somewhere, exploded farther, brought my hammock, I don’t know, something. Something and somewhere where I can shut out the entire world for even just a few moments. I need to find ways to hit the hard reset button. But thank you for being right about how nature calms the mind and soul and spirit. I needed it.

💡 39.05739° N, 77.32746° W

[speakmindfully]

I think I hurt my own feelings today, and I swear… every time I feel like I’m moving forward, I’m moving backwards. But now it feels more like, instead of one step forward, two steps back, it’s more two steps forward one step back. How do I stop stepping back? How do I only look forward? I keep coming back to this graphic- how it’s made me completely redefine how I see and understand processing pain.

I got off of social media because it was showing me too many reminders and sneak peeks into a life I didn’t want to associate with. I re-downloaded it to follow my EMT school on Instagram, and of course, I should have just kept it deleted. I saw my ex on another girl’s Instagram, on what I assume was a date, as they’ve been close for awhile. I know the girl from school, and we cross paths every so often. I knew this day would come, and I have no idea what their relationship is like but for my own well-being I’m going to assume the worst and assume they’re dating now. Luckily her and I only have a few mutual friends but none I think I’d run into. I hate that seeing him look so happy made me feel sick. I hate that my intestines torse and I immediately lose my appetite. I hate that it makes me sad. I hate that I want to cry.

I hate that I have to replay in my mind constantly the things that I shouldn’t want about him. I have to tell myself that the way I was treated is not the way I would want to pick back up. I hate that I will never not feel this way. It makes me feel like I’m falling into madness thinking that THIS is how life just will be now. The occasional flicker of a post, a sighting, and I feel like being sick . I wish I didn’t still care. I wish I could cling to the bad, and rid him in my mind of anything good. I wish I could villainize him the way everyone else can. I WISH I could. How easy that would be. Is this the thing I have to learn to grow through? Is THIS my burden? Being plagued by this man forever and questioning whether or not I was the one who was wrong?

I’ve been doing exceptionally well at keeping myself distracted, but man it can get difficult. Dreams, constantly. Once a week even sometimes. He’s there, not in memories or waking thoughts but in my dreams. The dreams aren’t even replays of what was, it’s all new. The dreams shrivel me up in ways I’ve never felt pain. The way I’ll wake up from a dream and just feel so numb, I’ll make it to the car for wherever I’m going and just sob. And I can’t even explain what emotion I feel or why I am, just that it’s connected to him. I almost WANT him to be dating her, so it can really force him away that much more.

If I couldn’t have the ideal version of him that I needed, I need him as far away as possible. I can hate parts of him, but never all of him. I stopped loving parts of him, but not all of them. I wish he would stop plaguing me. He’s “won” every battle we’ve ever had, everything but like once or twice. I never got an ounce of the same grace I gave him. It makes me sick also that I could continue giving to someone like that. It sounds superficial to say but dealing with the choice loss of him has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. The way I CHOSE to do this and yet parts of me still cling to him. The way I feel is so corrosive, it’s bad for me and it just eats away at me from the inside out. I feel like I’m betraying myself and I have no idea where it’s coming from. Where do these feelings come from? Do I just fake like I don’t care until I don’t care? It’s worked with everything else in my life but this. He is my Achilles because I’ve never “won” with him. I’m always under his thumb, I just want to be free. My poor heart who’s just trying to protect me, and give all my love to ME, is being hijacked and thrown into cage. It’s like holding hands through prison bars. If you close your eyes and pretend you’re free while holding the hands of a loved one you can almost convince yourself you’re free but when you open your eyes the bars are still there, blocking you ever so slightly from that full embrace.

I feel like I’m so close to freedom I can taste it, but as long as he exists around me, or I live in fear he’s around me, the less my jar grows. I’m prioritizing ALL my time, energy, and love into my closest friends, my work, and my career passions. It’s been amazing and fulfilling, and it’s slowly eating away at the bad feelings I’m trying to escape. The grief. My heart has never hurt like this. It’s because I was in charge of making it feel this way. I was the one who pushed away. It’s MY doing. And it burns like a paper cut every fucking time. I don’t know how to keep growing my jar like in the picture. I want my jar so big I can barely see the grief. I feel so sick. So empty. So conflicted. I want to push everyone else away from me. I don’t want anyone romantically near me. I feel like an electric fence. I’m trying to be an electric fence. I want nothing to do with any feelings that could remind me of the joy of love. I want to grow in every way but in love. Love is too painful. Love is too much hurt. I never want to love this way ever again. I don’t know if I even want to find love again… any possible reminder of love feels like acid bubbling in my stomach threatening to come vomiting out, scalding every inch it touches on the way out. Leaving a shaky, cold, empty, nauseating illness behind. The idea of love right now feels like stomach acid. It aches it pains it hurts. I hate that he ruined this for me. I hate that he makes me feel like it’s my fault. I lost part of myself. A part I can’t decide if I want back. I wish it would all go away. If I just moved it would go away.

I’m swimming deeper into the abyss with these thoughts they should have stayed under wraps. I want it all to go away. He’ll break me if I can’t make it disappear. Fuck him. Fuck love. Fuck it all.

[speakmindfully]

Unveil

Am I molting? Am I returning to some set of roots I didn’t know were my truest form? Is this the year I finally get to figure out who I am? I spent a lot of this year morning and mourning an old version of me, a me I was so deeply connected to idealistically but maybe not in actuality. I was connected to the idea of what I was, but maybe that’s not who I am. I think I e come to terms with the idea that I’m slightly a chameleon. I have a small spectrum that I operate in, two extremes really: a minimalist, modern, feminine, sparkly light energy and a dark witchy masculine deep and firey flame. A pixie and a witch almost. In aesthetics of course.

Have you helped me unlock that darker part of me that I don’t often see explore or get back in touch with? I think you sink your teeth in me and your venom activates the antibodies in me that otherwise lie dormant. Except venom has a negative, infectious connotation, when it’s been nothing but positive. I can’t think of the other word to describe a positive infection of feeling infuse maybe?. I very much enjoy our new dynamic. It’s quite I fun and makes me want to hold onto it more. Explore it more in my own way.

I feel like I learn more and more about myself through you passively each day. And often times when I’m with you I forget you’re real. I know it takes me time to come around to certain things, but if I’m around you long enough or you’re quiet next to me long enough I just explore you in my head, and visually. Before you wake or when you’re sleeping I love to trace you, watch you breathe, watch you sleep. I’m not really sure why I don’t express to you that I do this or watch you or enjoy it. I don’t specifically try to hide it, I just sorta keep it for myself. My own little looking glass I guess. I think I sometimes just enjoy watching you on my own terms, watching you do things, fix things, cook things, etc. I like watching you do stuff. Most times I wish I could just be a little bird that nuzzles up on your neck and just sits there quietly as you go about your day. But I like when we feel connected too. Like the other day, sometimes I just feel compelled to come closer and totally fuse into one- it’s a very special and intimate moment and the comfort that comes with it is really nice, and new. I enjoy exploring it but this almost hesitant softness is something I very much enjoy. I hope to stay in this space where I can, it’s been a very fun and sweet existence.

I’m excited to see all the layers you’ll get to pull back, and more late night conversations. Except I think I need to stop cramming our days with stuff, and have some time where we just sit and talk and learn more. Talk and to each other and go into all the world stuff you like to talk about without the threat of falling asleep. I’m excited for our cabin trip, it’ll be a lot of that I think.

[speakmindfully]

Flailing

What do I do best when I feel overwhelmed? Absolutely ignore the issue and get extremely caught in the weeds of my own mind. I’ve been a bit of an emotional roller coaster lately and I think it’s finally time I start seeking a better outlet than this blog to release my TV static brain. I think my fight or flight reflex definitely turns into flight when I’m stressed. I run, I avoid, I ignore. I want to take my bike and just go on a ride leading to nowhere. Just drive and drive and not think at all. I have such a strange desire to run somewhere- abandon everything and just drop off the face of the earth for a few days. Maybe I need it. 

I’ve been in this weird emotional limbo recently, teetering between feeling debilitatingly emotional, happy and sad, and then feeling cold as stone with nothing inside. It’s so foreign to feel all of those things in such close succession. Part of me feels still emotionally trapped, the part that closes up to everything. I’m desperately trying to break hold of these weird emotional shackles. It may sound totally dramatic but I feel like I was once very free and open emotionally and unreserved and it’s as if someone poured acid down my throat just burning and tearing and eating everything away, morphing the butterflies into melting moths and just coating it all with tar. 

I’ve latched onto in the past year or so the fact that you tell me my style and things I like are surprisingly morbid. I always saw myself as such a girly girl with pink and hearts and glitter and silk and soft and flowers etc. All the typical soft girly shit, but now with a dark twist to it. I have grown to like the macabre and morbid a lot more than I used to, I wonder if I’m actually a bit sicker/morbid than I feel like I am. I’m not sure. I think it’s all beautiful but not for much more reason other than I think it’s all visually and intellectually appealing. I don’t dive into the meaning behind it or anything, but if I wanted to try, maybe I’m trying to find beauty in the pain that I still just can’t seem to stop feeling. I truly truly felt like for the first time in my life that a huge part of me physically died and maybe growing this comfort attachment to the dark and morbid has helped me feel more at home in the darkness of my heart. That sounds deep as fuck but it’s not meant to be. My heart has 100% stoned over a bit, scabbed is really a better word, because when it beats too hard or too wild the scab cracks and she bleeds again. How can I feel so empty and numb and simultaneously feel like tears of lead are just leaking out of me, so heavy. These intermittent waves of healing pain have been like nothing I’ve ever felt in my entire life and I’m still struggling to understand them. It’s made me so disoriented. It’s like I have a ghost latched to my back, a shadow, and I so desperately want it to go and stop plaguing me. Please please go.

I need to find a better way to cope, and let go of this weird paranoia about how any current actions will reflect on me or get back to him. Who gives a fuck?? I don’t want that person in my life anymore why am I so paranoid that anything I do that he may not like will get back to him and I’ll feel bad about it?? It’s like I’m STILL trying to make sure that I continue to give him zero reason to hate me or think I’m awful. He couldn't accept that after years of being disrespected, I finally wormed my way out from under his thumb. He had me wrapped around his finger and then some for years and I don’t think he ever believed I’d grow a big enough spine to leave. Did it take every ounce of strength and willpower and energy to do it? Absolutely. I felt the entirety of the earth’s weight crash down on me when I’d mentally decided it was too much for me. Simply mind-numbing white hot pain that just makes you dizzy. I’ve never experienced something more emotionally physical than this roller coaster.. Yet why is it that even though it was the right decision I still ache? “Give the heart time to catch up to your head’s correct decision” type stuff I know. But that decision just fundamentally changed me in a way I’ve never been changed or challenged. I feel so beautifully shattered, probably just cracked now since I feel like i;ve made some progress, but just as fragile.

I feel so different yet also so free. Like something that just shed its skin and now has fresh baby skin that burns against the light because it’s so fresh and new. I have so much more self worth and self confidence and have been enjoying this alone time. It’s like I need to protect it; I feel as though I’ve just discovered a superpower of mine and I have no idea how to use it so I’m being cautious. I don’t want anyone to touch it or get to close to it or take it away. I want to live in this little bubble of safe independence without being hyper-independent. I don’t want to be touched or moved or molded because I’ve worked so so hard to even feel like I’ve made a SLIVER of progress. I need to talk to someone professional to figure out why I can’t seem to cut these weights off of my ankles that are keeping me from just catapulting forward. I don’t even know where I’m going with this thought reel anymore:

I’m gonna go take that drive

[speakmindfully]

V o l a t i l e

Things are different now, or am I just different now? that is the question of the now. I can’t even pinpoint where things begun to feel different, to shift in a way, but they have. You’d think that a change so drastic would announce itself in a big way, in the form of a huge life event or something, but somehow my life seems as normal as ever, just now with a change of heart, it’s very volatile. 

I have so many emotions bubbling out of me, peace, sadness, joy, guilt, excitement, shyness. so on so forth. It’s a very odd but exciting and scary experience. Yet how can it be scary when this situation is probably the safest place I could possibly be in life? It’s one of the most unpredictable unstable situations I’ve ever been in yet it’s my constant safety net, my home in a floating spinning rock in an oxygen deprived space and time, what the hell?? Are you rubbing off on me this much? Is it my inner child coming out to play and have her spot and interests in the limelight? I feel like I’m the same new, developed and grown me but I’ve touched back on my what YOU call roots, a bit more. Delving into myself a bit more, being more open and willing to do things, prioritizing the things that bring me joy. 

I’ve reflected a bit more and realized how much this situation has hurt you; I’ve always known it was harder for you than for me, not that it isn't hard for me when it gets hard but comparatively you had the harder end of the deal. It pangs my heart so strong that this has hurt you, this situationship. It’s made me cry just thinking about how much love and hope and heart you’ve continuously poured into this. How dismissive I had been or how much I didn't respect your time or place in this. I want to make up for that now. What I’m about to admit though is not some kind of retroactive “I need to make up for that by being extra nice or extra xyz” everything I’m feeling now is current, and new, and not tied to any guilt or feelings I have about how I treated the past versions of us.

This new thing is exciting, it’s fun, it’s heartwarming, it’s safe, it’s unpredictable

[speakmindfully]

Infinity Loop

Feeling QUITE active lately aren’t I. Sometimes I get into such a tizzy, it’s manic, truly. I can get into these manic states of mental impulse. I go 100 mph without any regard for anything except my immediate wants, how impulsive. Not this time. I’m keeping myself at bay because for once I have the foresight to realize that keeping my mouth shut will do me a favor. 

There’s so many questions I have about my own thought process sometimes. How I get myself into situations and how I’m supposed to “do the right thing”. I have no idea how I’m supposed to live this life but I know I sometimes do it selfishly. I want what I want and I will move heaven and earth to get it. My mind is racing and I feel like words are just bubbling out of me. It will be a good exercise to think through it instead of speak it into this void. This is new territory now. I absolutely am afraid of what I may say or do, like walking on thin ice. Waging a war in my head while holding my tongue. I hate this addictive game. Yet there’s nothing else in the world that excites me more. Am I sick? Twisted? Stuck? This poor little website is going to house my deepest darkest thoughts desires and fears until it shuts down or I die. 

I love my not-so-cryptic void. My mania of thought dumping. It’s therapeutic, yet for the first time in my life on here I feel as though I have to watch what I say. Everything is fine and nothing has changed 

[speakmindfully]

Impulse

08/16/2022

Again with the impulses?? Good thing this is staying as a draft for as long as I can. I followed your trail again. I thought I had found it the first time but I was lost, I planted myself exactly where directed but figured it would have a slight margin of error due to technology shortcomings. So I made my own marker, with the same markings I ended up finding the real one. The anticipation I got when I saw the bread crumb trail, reading it only 4 minutes after it came into existence solely by happenstance, it’s always creepily aligned like that huh? I wanted to jump out of bed right then and go, but I couldn't. Too dark. Forcing myself at the crack of dawn, a rainy morning to go blindly searching for an unknown thing in an environment I am very uncomfortable in alone, was something of blind faith and growth. Not finding my mark was disheartening, so I decided to make my own, but sure enough, you guided me. I circled and circled thinking what on earth am I missing, what am I doing wrong? 

Then it hit me, I had been standing right in front of it only a few yards away not recognizing what I was looking at, the big picture. Then once I zoomed out mentally, it popped. I found it. A sacred little spot that undoubtedly had you written all over it. Lead me right to the spot and I almost cried. My heart swelled with the empty dash. The permanence: the tree, my arm, WE are infused so permanently to certain things it’s kind of crazy. It feels profound. I remember you saying it may not actually be all that profound and that we just chalk it up to be, a vision of grandeur maybe? You may think so, but I don’t. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. You are meant to be within me always.

Seeing that bread crumb, or glimmer of contact after not checking for so long sort of rattled me. This goes against the permanence of how we left things. I truly truly thought that was the end. Yet the door was sort of opened, yet again. Making me think (and hope) we’ll just cycle like this forever. Is it wrong that I hope we do? I’m terrified to post this or admit to feeling excited at the prospect of playing this hide and seek forever, out of fear. I’m afraid that last time you REALLY meant it, and seeing my eagerness and opening that door will make you shut it for real next time. Every time we fall back into this dance I get more and more afraid it’ll go away. Every time I think it’s over and it comes back I get excited, and I have SO many bread crumbs to leave you, but I can’t. I promised I’d keep that door shut and I will only respond to your bread crumbs. I’m fine having this in my life in some capacity, but not if it will hurt you.

Confession: that last thing I said^, again I am selfish. I say that I can't have this in my life if it hurts you, but I can. I want to be selfless enough and strong enough to close that door for you if you can't, but I don't think I can either. Whether it's selfishness, or weakness, I'm not sure. I just know that my door will always be open. 

Confession 2: something about being in a different headspace now, makes me think. I've entertained a lot more exploring with whatever this is. The thing is, I dare not speak it into existence because I feel like this confession could set everything on fire in the worst way. I have no idea what introducing this kind of dynamic would do. We left things on such good terms, I would hate to mess it up and ruin anything that is or was left, and end up closing that door accidentally. So here's the confession that's gonna stay in my drafts maybe forever, but I have a big mouth so just not yet. I want to explore things I wasn’t ready to last time. I thought about how you’d ask to fall asleep with me and I had said no. I would like to. I want to feel what it’s like to snuggle, and kiss you, and see what happens. I just feel so thankful for my perceived idea of this connection that sharing something intimate, no matter how raw or physical, would just do something. React something. Yet I don’t expect anything to come form it. I just want to be able to light that little flame to acknowledge the connection I guess. It doesn't really make sense, I just feel sort of drawn to do something like that with no follow up. But I know that’s dangerous territory. It could ruin everything we’ve done up until now. Shatter all the peace and prospect of open doors if I allow something like that. 

I want what I want but I have no idea how to have it, how to keep what we have now, yet also get what I want. I’m not sure there is a way.

[speakmindfully]

Finding a messy messy self

Is it weird that sometimes I feel like I have a bunch of different aesthetics? I say aesthetics instead of personalities but maybe it’s a mix of both. Who knew finding yourself could be so lonely and confusing.

I’ve noticed a lot of changes within myself the past few months, mostly while grappling with who I consider myself to be at my core. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I don’t know if I ever created a moral code or defined values and boundaries with myself. I always considered myself moral with good intentions, but I don’t think I’ve clearly laid out values to hold myself and others to. Isn’t that silly? It feels wrong, and strange, and has caused a mild identity crisis within me. Is that why I feel like I can be two totally different people depending on the situation? 

I give myself grace in that we’re all constantly working on ourselves, you can only focus on one aspect at a time and it all happens gradually. For example, I deleted snapchat like 6 months ago and twitter years ago with the goal of having less of an online presence. Nixing those two were great, but now I use instagram stories like snapchat and I post all the time. I don’t like that trait in myself so I’m starting to try and cut back. Yet at the same time I love to post fun things I’m doing and just in general I enjoy it. So I’m at a war with what brings me actual joy vs striving to be the girl I WANT to be. This war then made me question why I like posting, I don’t get a lot of comments so I don’t think it’s external validation, but is it? I want to grow and glow in private more so I’m trying to give myself grace in that I need to practice posting less but not to feel too bad if I still post. 

This thought dump has no real order and I’m simply jumbling it all down as it comes to me because my brain has been flooded with thoughts the past few weeks about growth. I struggle and feel a little ashamed that I don’t have a defined set of morals or values I can rattle off the top of my head. I know what I value in others, but is that the same thing? Is it fake to just pick a few values I resonate with and then just decide that those are my values? Like how do I now as a fully grown and (hopefully) mature woman begin that process if I haven't already? The same thing goes with personal aesthetic. Certain situations I want to run away off grid in my decked out van life van and eat salads in jars with fruits and herbs I grow myself, wearing pinks and golds and whites, minimalist makeup, crazy hair, and just living like a beautiful boho vagabond. Other times I want to do high end fancy hair and makeup with a city-sleek bright accessories neutral upscale basics outfit living in a tiny overpriced apartment in the city, staying out until 4am, breaking hearts and being a cold selfish bitch who’s only out here for her friends and herself. I think I idealize that rebel heartless girl because I feel things so deeply. I wish I didn’t. I’m not wishing I had no feelings, I just wish I was able to be more conservative with them. I care a lot, I overthink a lot, and I idolize this heart breaking city girl because in my mind she’s SO confident and secure in herself that she simply doesn’t care about anyone’s opinion other than her own. I wish I could shut my feelings off like a valve, or simply not pay them any mind. I don’t quite know how to do that exercise where you simply acknowledge a feeling, feel it, and let it pass. I’ve just started becoming comfortable with allowing feelings to be felt in real time, but the processing section I’m still struggling with. As much as I wish I didn’t have certain feelings, or the intensity of those feelings, I think it’s far more brave to be liberal and free with your feelings, and I feel as though I’ll be stronger by having them; yet I don’t mentally feel or register that strength. It’s that dilemma where you’re like AM I actually strong for this? but then you see the alternative/what having no feelings/bottled up feelings are like and are like Right, I’m super glad I am the way that I am. Idk if that makes sense. I’m sad that my ability to express myself when I’m mind dumping has significantly declined, I guess that’s what happens when you do so much school and research that your abilities change. I knew we all had certain amounts of talent allocated to certain skills but I never thought the pie graph would switch so drastically.

Which leads me to another point. I’ve become to praise the erudite much less than I used to. I absolutely had a complex a lot of my life that idolized and awed at book smarts. I saw this as the supreme form of intelligence and it was really a very ugly side of me that I denied or tried to hide for a decent part of my life. It still impresses to no end when someone is book smart, but I find it far more impressive now when people are people smart, or emotionally smart, or practically smart. I wish I knew how to adult better, I think it kind of scares me so I bury myself in books and school and surround myself with information that is familiar. I shouldn't, and I’m slowly trying to unlearn that. Every partner I’ve been with I’d rely on them for the practical life-knowledge side of things. I’m trying to teach myself all of that so I can be completely independent and not need anyone for anything (in terms of a partner). It’s difficult though. To balance it all. I’ve been figuring all the big girl life stuff on my own since moving out and it makes me sad that I’m not further along. I appreciate those who are very different from me, for example someone who does manual labor or a trade, that’s so freaking cool because I would be absolutely atrocious at that. I like the idea that people in your life should be wildly different from you so that you can bring a new perspective into everything you do. Like how I never want to be with someone in medicine. I’d be bored, we’d both know the same things and not know the same things and that’s boring. Yet given my field, and the commitment to school and lack of conventional jobs, I feel like I may end up being with someone in medicine and it makes me kind of sad. I like the dichotomy in difference. 

Going a bit into love, that silly little word. I’m trying to grow myself in that way too. Both self love and romantic love. I’m not looking to date anyone yet, I think I’m far to un-healed for that. So exploring self-love has been my top priority. The thing is, since I’m such a romantic, I crave all of the things I’d want a partner to do for me. I buy myself flowers, I put on a pretty dress and take myself to a pretty study spot and listen to music, I say my affirmations. Idk self love can be a bit lonely because I can do for myself kind of what any man could minus certain physical affections, but the things I can’t do are what I miss. And when I say miss, I don’t mean I miss them from my past relationship, because the things I “miss” I crave because I never GOT them in my last relationship. I crave to feel valued, and like I’m an amazing and interesting person that they’re fascinated with. I want to be an object of fascination ( and you get what I mean about object I’m not trying to be PC here). I’m gonna toot my own horn and refer to my self-love-letter in that I think I’m a freaking catch. I think I’m interesting as hell, wicked smart, creative, unique, and diverse and would make any man proud to have me. Yet, why do I still not see that when it comes to certain guys. How is it that on my own the self-love is there, but I get so rattled if I don't receive that interest from someone I’m talking to? I try to avoid men for now because I want to continue growing and solidifying my independence but I’d be lying if I didn’t crave hanging out with someone and them telling me I’m fascinating or something. I love to love and I also equally miss doing things for others. I wish I could surprise someone with a cute personalized gift, or a book, or to plan really fucking cute date ideas for. I get a LOT of fulfillment from doing that stuff with my girl friends, but sometimes a romantic companion is nice. Now don’t laugh and “I told you so” since we rattle off this debate ALL THE TIME.. I’m NOT saying I want a partner not a friend, but most of my friends are in new relationships or back together with their exes so I’ve had a lot more time alone. I think I have a bit too much love in my system so it has nowhere to bubble over to and when I get drunk or horny I’ll say stupid shit and I just wish I could can the fuck up and keep my mouth shut. I make a fool of myself when I think with my heart and not my head. But I can’t fault it too much because the heart speaks truths the brain wishes it could stifle.

I want to not want love for awhile. I want love to not really exist in my mind for awhile, unless it’s self love and finding peace in building confidence alone. That’s why I’ve decided to make a list of things that make me uncomfortable or anxious to do alone, and to go do them alone. I want to embrace the alone and start making fun challenges and games around it to help me gain confidence and turn the narrative of being alone and finding yourself. I have not a damn clue what I’m doing but I have to start somewhere. I already have a few major ones lined up in the next few weeks so hopefully things go according to plan and I’ll come out of them feeling proud and accomplished. I don’t mind if I find company along the way, I just want to go into it thinking I did it. Cheers to breaking barriers and changing the narrative on being alone. And to self growth, whatever it is I’m doing, praying I’m doing some of it right.

[speakmindfully]

“As long as we don’t die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.”

— John Green / Paper Towns (via bnmxfld)

[speakmindfully]

A heart of stone

Not even realizing the imagery of it all until after it’s been placed. Hearts of soft tissue, hardened over time but never fully. A cold stone exterior with a cool glass interior. So fragile and easily shattered, but protected by this hard shell. Eventually it all erodes away, leaving a sleek gentle, exposed and fresh interior. Glass, if stressed enough can turn to stone; no doubt that’s how the exterior evolved into what it is today. We are similar in that way. Having a stone casing around our fragile interiors in one way or another. I just hope it takes no less than 1000 lifetimes for that stone to creep inside

📍💙 💎 worth revisiting

Addendum: turns out it’s STONE that gets compressed into GLASS and I never learned anything in geology. Whatever the sentient stands

[speakmindfully]

Closure

I ran into my ex in public for the first time ever the other day, and thank god I was with my best friends in a safe place. It felt like closure though because although the interaction was not very nice, it was substantially nicer than our previous interaction. I cried the rest of the evening afterwards (he didn’t see obviously) but it felt t like closure strangely enough. Up until seeing him I had just been plagued with anxiety over whether or not I would ever run into him. I always had it in the back of my mind and upon actually seeing him it felt like all that anxiety came to a head. I felt as though when the interaction ended, all of the anxiety I had building up surrounding him and the breakup had left with him. All the crying was like opening an emotional release valve. I feel better afterwards, and I feel like now I actually am starting to make progress on my healing journey. 

I’ve been practicing a lot more mindfulness habits and focusing on myself, immersing myself in nature, doing things that I love. Just all-around doing more to move on emotionally and mentally. I recently was recommended to listen to a podcast episode about getting through breakups and they suggested creating a list of doubts about the person to reference any time you start to miss them or think about reaching out to them so I figured I’d try it out.

Doubts about this person:

- he is emotionally unavailable

- he is very cold and calculated

- he is mean, and very disrespectful to me and others

- he did not make me feel like a woman or an acceptable partner

- he does not meet my basic needs that I require in a partner/person

- let me repeat: he is disrespectful and mean

- looking at every motorcycle and car that looks like his will not help you feel better, it will just make you feel rattled and sad.

- social media doesn’t mean shit, keep muting the people who’s stories have him pop up in

- if you feel ANY inkling of reaching out, don't. What would you even want or gain from the conversation? probably nothing, and then he’d be mean so you’ll only end up hurting yourself

- anything tied to him will upset you, stop being nosy and then pretending that there’s gonna be cases that won’t upset you if you see it. Don’t look

I know it’s just going to keep taking more and more time, and that healing is relative, but it will get better. I’m looking forward to embracing my single self and stop treating being single like it’s a hardship. It’s not. I’m starting to embrace my own company more, romanticize my life and myself. I really hope that things continue to get easier and I’ll be able to fully feel moved on soon. It’s almost been a year so I’m hoping it’s coming soon. 

I feel like growth has been subtle and steady but not without its ups and downs. I don’t really want to even get into all that, but I’ve noticed that you don’t typically see growth until it’s already happened. So maybe that’s what is starting to happen now. Slowly looking back on my growth and decisions and feelings like “hey I’ve actually grown”. I hope it keeps getting easier day after day.

[speakmindfully]

Rock Piles.

All natural yet so manufactured. Ordering nature in a way that it does not seek to be ordered. A small sign, an acknowledgment, a marker. I’ve grown increasingly more fond of them, making small rock towers to feel like I am somewhat in control of an ever moving force. They bring me peace amongst chaos, structure where there is none, yet it doesn’t disturb anything around it or the flow of nature. So naturally unnatural when you come across them. Usually not far from a cliff or the waters edge. Where the red meets the blue, two opposite elements fusing together to equalize, perfect peace stands between them in that little rock pile. Harmony, peace, tranquility.

[speakmindfully]

It’s 3:24am

and I’ve stopped myself three different times from calling you. I still want to. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be equally as drunk and actually have the balls. I promised you though I wouldn’t talk to you. That we left things in the dust so you could be happy and move on. I want you to be happy so badly. So I can’t text or call you even if I want to. I wanted to thank you. For being my rock. My soul mate. I see you everywhere in life, then and now. I want to hug you. I regret not letting you lay with me that night I felt sick as a dog. I wish I’d let you, I want to know how it would feel. I regret not sitting with you longer. Not holding your hand as you say in the shower grounding yourself. I want to call you. Idk why. Idk what it will do for either of us. I’ve told the tattoo story more times than I can count and I adore telling it. I hope you’re thriving and maybe have found sometime that has what you’re hoping for. I’m selfish. Of course I want to call you & hug you. But that’s selfish given our agreement. So pure, so wholesome, so special. I want to crawl into your arms right now and just tell you how thankful I am for you. For all of our ups and downs. Maybe I will fuck it?? But I respect you. Your decision, your ask of me to stay away. But fuck. You know me: I’ve always been selfish.. if not selfish curious. Would you even answer if I texted? Even at this hour? Knowing I have to get up in a few hours and go to work?? Should I do it anyway?? I walked home alone and almost Calld you, called to see if you’d even pick up. But if you had, then what? Is this cycle Gonna go on for life?? I feel like yes BUT only if you’re equally as weak as me. Which I doubt. You’re one of the strong est people I know. I just want to hug you and thank you. I don’t want to hurt you. Fuck it I might just text you because I’m just bursting at the seams with gratitude for you. I hope my number is blocked so I can be relieved I’m not hurting you by opening a door again. I’ve just felt your presence too much in the past month or so. It’s all around. I’m so thankful for you. SOS. What am I doing?? You re my favorite person. You’re my other half. I pray we meet again in another life. I’ll never stop searching the stars for you. I’m glad you’re stronger than me. If I wasn’t drunk I’d drive to your house right now. imagine one day just going and throwing tiny pebbles like in the movies . Just to see what would happen. Would you hate me?? Would you be upset?? Would you even be there ? What would I say? Why would I go? Probably. You’d be upset at this whole thing. Lol