#these are the ones that are constantly cycling thru my brain

[austin-friars]

Honestly, one thing I've come to enjoy, especially having reached over 20K words of my novella wip, is that my characters are extremely dear to me. I've written a lot in my life, but this is one of the first times I have ever made characters that I can truly, truly call my own. The funny thing is that, I could say I know everything about them, and that is what makes me close to them but I don't. I really don't. I learn new things about them every day, and as I'm writing out their stories and their lives, they reveal themselves to me, not the other way around.

They have really come to life, and as much as they are names on a document, they are real people to me. And they help me when I am at a block, and sit with me in the middle of the night, and they genuinely make me happy. I am happy to have created these wonderful characters, but I am very grateful they allowed me to create them, and that they are with me.

[ofmdee]

i finished another ofmd diamond painting!

under the cut because there is some rambling 😂

i wasn't super crazy about this one as i was working on it, i felt like stede's hand looked weird, there was too much shadow etc, but once again, the finished product impresses me 😂

used a cropped screenshot as reference:

i'm gonna make an actual pretty post once i get it framed, but i wanted to share a while.

i'm gonna be honest, tho, i think my diamond painting Frenzy is waning, and it's bumming me tf out!!!! i feel like i go thru this constant cycle of nothing interests me, nothing nothing nothing, OH found something fun?? 👀 lets do it CONSTANTLY because it feels good to have fun, it's so much more preferable than the hollow feelings, the anxious feelings, the 'what is the point?' feelings etc, but i inevitably exhaust all the fun that can be had much too quickly, because i don't know how to do it in moderation!!! because i Crave the good feelings and it hurts so much when the thing no longer sparks the kind of intense focus and interest.

and i KNOW i hyperfocus on things to the point of it being detrimental to other things, but that's when i feel.... happiest, i think? when i have something that my brain is so latched onto that it's all i can think about to the point where i start to think hey.... maybe i could be happy one day? and then there is the inevitable crash because i burned out and lost interest

(i live in a terrible fear of this happening to my interest in ofmd one day 💀 and i worry about not having anything to fall back on if that does happen)

anyway, idk what the solution to that is, and im not sure what i'm even talking about anymore, lol, but yeah. it's frustrating!

i'm still gonna work on diamond projects, tho, because i do like the end result. here is my next project:

🤭

no idea how i'm gonna explain this one to my parents, lol, theyre always so interested in what i'm working on but they have No Idea that sim ed and stede exist 😂

oh, it's sunday, isn't it? and i should be getting my period soon, maybe this is why it feels so Intense today.

my gf will be here next month tho so i am holding out for that, when i actually feel like a person who could end up happy. i want our lives together to start, somehow, but there are so many variables and obstacles to that, just..... idk. i want my beloved with me more than a few times a year 😔

anyway, idk, sometimes i just like using tumblr like it's an Actual Blog, lol, it's easier to make things make sense on here rather than twitter.

anyway if u read this, thank u, i appreciate u, and i am including two gifs i don't think i ever shared here in thanks 🥰

these were from the beginning of the year, and part of a spicy set 😏🔞

okay. i think im done lmfao ✌

[cavefairy]

so my brain was certainly. braining. on the way home tonight. we were having cyn discussion and how i think she is still semi-aware inside of her own head after the solver takes over, and she can see whats happening but is powerless to stop it (most of the time. we will come back to that). SO i had a theory that the reason the solver took over is bc they kept locking cyn in the basement and how that went was she messed up once, they put her in the basement, solver is able to take over a lil bit. messup again (bc of the solver), basement again, more solver. its a cycle until the solver fully takes over and cyn is forced back into her own head to watch the solver puppet her body and pretend to be her for a little while. and then she gets to watch the solver turn her friends into monsters. probably crying and screaming inside her own head to not hurt them, not do this to them, to not hurt her big brother. id like to think that she is able to gain enough control that the solver cant put any of itself into n, that cyn protected him just that little bit. theres enough control that she can minimize the damage the solver does to n. obviously he is still murder-ified but theres still.... yknow. less. yeah. he is still more 'himself' than the others. example, v is completely different than in the short episode 2 flashback. that being said, i have no idea rn what kind of shit the solver put the murder squad thru. i think v's ultra-violent tendencies are kind of a coping mechanism, or a result of the what the solver did. either way, she is very not okay. putting that aside, back to cyn for a sec. pre-solver i think she was kind of like uzi, but less,,,, angsty, i guess. less angry, less outright trying to be different, less killkillviolencedie yknow. sure, she couldve had a little bit of spite, bc of her situation, but ultimately i think she wouldve been trying to be good, to be nice, to make the best of her circumstances. and i think she found refuge in n. i think j would have constantly gone out of her way to terrorize cyn. v would either politely refuse her or outright ignore her, depending on situation. n wouldve been the only one to have been kind, to have paid attention, to have cared. and the solver-cyn calling him 'big brother n' ? i think she started doing that pre-solver, and it carried over bc the solver, while imitating her, picked up that mannerism. she would still call him her big brother in her head, after the solver took over. and after he was murder-ified ? she would laugh, still crying, and probably think 'well he is certainly my big brother now, hes so tall'. id like to think that if we see solver-cyn again, that if solver-cyn met uzi, that cyn would immediately take a liking to uzi. that she would see that uzi is good for him. she would be happy her brother had a person, someone close to just spend time with, to talk with, that loved him. granted, uzi has the solver, so cyn probably already has a sorta-link to her, but i also think that it would be nice to have solver-cyn meet uzi face to face. OOH actually, if cyn already has a link to uzi via the solver, i think cyn already knows of uzi and proabably already likes her. oh that would be so cute actually. theyd be besties once they get rid of the solver. cyn gets her brother AND a sister. a sister who is coincidentally her brothers gf but WHATEVER siblings who actually care :D yippieee

[redpiperfox]

red it is i

🎱🛼🍄🪐🔪🌿!

ELLO ELLO ELLO! :D

🎱 ⇢ post your AO3 total stats

On this lovely last Friday in May~

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis

...I am constantly working on multiple projects at the same time lol SO I will give you five emojis for five wips I'm cycling thru!:

🐺❄️💨🏡💭

🥻💃🌩🤵‍♂️🏰

🕷🦸‍♀️🕸🤒🦹‍♀️

👶👧👦🌽👾

👗🥻📸🎀🖌

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

Ooooooh I dunno if you want me to do this one 😅 Some friends can tell you-- my skzitzy headcanons go WILD lololol

Okay um... ah! Chan had mentioned previously how he's close to Yeji because she asks him about a lot of "leader" stuff, and Yeji mentions (and models lol) how if she isn't really good at something or has no interest in it, she's really not good at it, and she had no initial interest in the Itzy plan to be leader. So I headcanon that between Chaeryeong shouldering a lot of official leader things (canon: she would have been leader if she wasn't on the maknae end, and she's been the first to go do solo PR for the group), Chan has literally given Yeji a Do What I Do policy, and Yeji has done that (there's a lot of little ways in which she relates to fans and tries to approach things that are very Chan-like, and I say that because Chan does things in a very atypical way to kpop XD)

....I'll stop with that one haha

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

Only three!!!!!

1. I have gotten time to write and paint post graduation!

2. I have a scheduled date for license exam and have been able to study pretty diligently, which is unexpected bc I really thought it would be harder post graduating to get back into the books haha

3. All the animals outside our house have been so funny haha they're endless amusement to me, they're absolutely sitcom material lol

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

.... I shoudn't answer-- OKAY WELL the LEAST weird thing is when I watched coleydoesthings' mini research vid on a/b/o history and stuff? Only... I don't really usually write a/b/o... 😅

I've looked up the usual-- murdee things, random chemical irregularities, space physics, kpop idol bdays to make sure I'm keeping everyone in approximate age-order, kpop names bc I only know them by stage name, niche interviews, drowning scenes, torture scenes.. I have a couple of my fav angsty movie clips and/or kpop moments that'll get me in a very niche mood I sometimes need to write? Idk if that counts XD

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

EMBRACE IT! And try to see what it's there for? Sometimes, it's a period of consuming media, and doing "fic research" in enjoying storytelling styles and methods you wouldn't have considered in your muse-inspired hazes. Sometimes, it's a good handbrake your brain has to keep from being burnt out by your hobby! But sometimes, if it is a thing that really isn't being shaken off and you'd like it to be-- challenge yourself. Write even when it's uncomfortable. Have a dump AU that's nonsensical and crude and serves only to work the muscle again. Ask other people for random tags and ideas to give your brain something new to work with. If bullet pointed ideas are all you can do, do that! Just keep writing, and somewhere the writing muscle will remember how to do it's thing, or grow into something stronger, and the muse will be working through you again 😊

[moonlight-tmd]

So i’m still working on the fanfic, tryna figure out what goes where... for now enjoy this little fluffy ficlet my brain mustered up while trying to nap. Imma upload this on ao3 when the song fic is done. 

This is set some time after the initial confession in my world, Blitz just discovered what a kiss is. X3

Blitzwing was currently walking to the hideout. Falling snow piled up on him as he threaded thru the mounds of snow on the ground. The earth's weather was going crazy lately, snow constantly falling from the sky like it was now. 

He couldn't fly or else he'd crash, he couldn't drive cuz the ground was unstable. Slowly walking to the destination was his only choice.

 He finally reached the warehouse, he opened the door a quickly hid inside. Upon entering he was greeted with a loud crash and a curse.

 Blitzwing quickly shook off the majority of the snow off of him to see what has caused such ruckus.

When he finally looked up, he was greeted with a sight of colorful decor scattered around the big room. They looked just like the ones he's seen in the city; colorful lights, silvery stars and dark leaf bundles with white and red berries. It was so pretty...

 As he looked around he finally noticed the source of the noise, it looked like Bumblebee was doing something with the fairy lights, using one of the big old metal stands in the warehouse as a ladder to reach a spot and got spooked when Blitzwing entered, causing him to slip and fall. He was currently struggling on the floor, trying to untangle himself from the pure white strings.

Blitzwing chuckled at his little hummel, going over and rescuing him from the sparkly binds.

"You're here, finally." Bee greeted, he still was a bit bitter from the fall.

"Sorry i'm late, i didn't zhink it vould take zhis long to valk here." Blitzwing set the lights aside, "Vhat were jou doing while i was gone?"

"Oh, well- i wanted to set up Christmas decoration with you, but since you weren't showing up i decided to start on my own. I was about to hang these on the ceiling when you came in." Bee gestured to the string of snowflake shaped lights he was just untangled from.

"Zhat would explain zhe crash." Blitzwing said witly.

"Oh shush." Bumblebee got up from the floor, "Anyway, i still got some stuff to hang up, wanna help me?" He asked.

"Sure" Blitz replied. He followed Bee to a crate that was placed on their makeshift coffee table. Bumblebee dug inside and pulled out various rings and bundles made of dark leaves with red and white berries, all made of plastic so it'll last longer. He never understood why Bee was partaking in human holidays, they weren't in their culture. But if it brought him joy to do something different once a stellar cycle then might as well see what's its about. "Those still need a place to go." Bee said, placing the decor on the table. 

Blitzwing pulled from the pile a small bundle of leaves with white berries, prettily tied together with a red ribbon. He brought it up and zoomed in with his monocle optic to inspect it. "Vhat is zhis?" Blitz hummed, but before he could get an answer, Bumblebee leaned in and gingerly kissed Blitzwing's cheek, like in the movies.

It took a bit for him to wake up from the surprise, he looked at Bumblebee who was smiling bashfully. "Vhat was zhat?"

"Ah, it's called a 'kiss'. Humans do this to show affection- and you were holding a mistletoe, it's a tradition to kiss the person who's under it." Bee explained, he was a bit flustered. Geez, it was such a cheesy and corny thing to do.

Blitzwing's silence was broken by his inky face appearing. He took a wreath of red and white berries and dunked it around Bee's neck. "Hey-!" Before he could protest, Blitz grabbed him by the shoulders, pulled him close- 

 The next thing Bumblebee knew was that he had a long, wet trail on his cheek.

 "Like zhis!?" Blitzwing asked happily, his long glossa hanging from his jagged intake. 

Bee blinked, "Ah- not really-" He noticed Blitz's grin flattening a little. "-But it's close enough." Blit'z grin immediately stretched audial to audial. It means he did good!

He pulled Bee in a tight hug and nuzzled his faceplate into the spot he just licked. 

Bee laughed gleefully. It might have not been the best first kiss but it was something.

[thebeckster]

(Hiii this is Ben but it won’t let me ask from my sideblog): for the reverse trope prompt: asafure and the rival academics pls?

(Oh my god, we're gonna pretend like I answered this ask last month when I actually wrote the prompt and it didn't just fall through one of the swiss cheese holes in my brain)

Anyways.

Thank you so much for the prompt! Writing Arthur/Frey is just so much fun, and any time I can toss them into an AU is a treat. I hope you like it too!

💜💜💜

To the people who did not know any better, who only knew Frey and Arthur in a professional setting, it would only be right for them to assume that the two hated each other. They were bitter rivals. The school’s two eighth-grade teachers, constantly in competition with one another. Outside of school, they were the happiest couple anyone could have known. They rarely argued, they were romantic-movie levels of sweet to each other, and when they were on a team together at game night with friends, they were unbeatable. For people who knew Arthur and Frey both outside of school and at school, it was like watching someone lead a double life. The two would drive into work together, matching coffee cups, sometimes even coordinating outfits. They’d chat brightly with each other and their colleagues about various goings on around the school – which students were struggling, which ones were excelling, how test scores were stacking up. But then as soon as the bell rang, and students filed into their homeroom for the morning, suddenly they were warring generals, directing their students into pitched battles against the other homeroom. All day the rivalry would rage against each other. And then once the last bell rang for the day and the students went home, Frey and Arthur were back to their sweet, loving selves. Only to repeat the cycle the next day. During the lead up to exam time, it would not be an exaggeration to call their days of teaching a bloodbath.

Frey and Arthur had at some point reached the conclusion that to get their students most prepared for high school and engaged in their academics was to pit them against their fellow classmates in a year-long competition to see who was crowned the Best Class at the end of the year. Who had better test scores, who had the most improved grades, who read more books, who participated in more extra curriculars, who did more volunteer service.

Anything that would otherwise spark little more than disinterest and apathy from 12-14 year-olds suddenly became some of the most important aspects of their school year.

The administration thought about stepping in once or twice when rumors of what was going on got blown out of proportion, but they couldn’t argue with the results. The school’s eighth-graders scored consistently higher than their peers across the district and continued to do exceptionally well through high school.

It was an odd method, one most of their colleagues did not understand, but it worked for all parties involved.

Sometimes people were a bit confused over whether the fierce competition was contrived, and just an act the teachers put on for the students. But the infamous Maternity Leave Incident from a few years back had illuminated some things. Whatever rivalry the two teachers had was very real. At least between the hours of 7:30AM to 4:00PM, Monday thru Friday.

It was the first day of school. Frey always loved the first day of school. A new semester, a new crop of students (some of which she knew were eager to be in her class), and a whole new year to prove to her husband that she was the better teacher. Her class had been the winner for three years running and she wasn’t about to break that streak.

(And really it would have been four years if she hadn’t had to miss a significant portion of the school year going out on maternity leave. Sure, Arthur was out for almost as long as she had been, but those extra two weeks he got with his students had made all the difference that year. Frey’s substitute just hadn’t been up to the task.)

She leaned against her desk, sipping at her coffee as she smiled at the shiny gold plastic trophy that sat atop a bookshelf in the place of honor. A construction paper banner was spread across the wall behind it, a victory flag of sorts, listing out the years her class had won the trophy. She knew Arthur had a very similar set up in his classroom across the hall.

Her husband crossed the currently empty hallway and sidled up next to her on the desk, with his own cup of coffee in hand. He followed her gaze up to the trophy. “Another year, another run for the prize. Looks good up there, but it would look better on my shelves.”

Frey fought a smile, not giving him the satisfaction of a retort. “Darling, you don’t think it’s looking a little dull, do you?” She faked a frown and cocked her head at the gleaming trophy (which she had just dusted not five minutes ago). “I worry that since it hasn’t been moved in so long, it might be collecting dust up there. I mean, there’s an inch of dust atop your bookshelf, I can only imagine the trophy has collected just as much while it’s been on mine.”

“Well, if you don’t want such a dingy old thing tarnishing your impeccable room, I’ll take it off your hands.” He spared a glance around to see what decorations Frey had put up for the first quarter. She’s chosen a pastoral theme, gentle greens and blues with landscapes of crop fields and pastures of animals scattered around. Nothing like what he’d chosen for his room. “Hmm… farms. How quaint.”

“You do recall our first combined unit it about agriculture? From sciences through the arts we’re going to the farm. It will help the students stay in the right mindset and focus on their tasks.”

“They’re going to fall asleep counting sheep.” Arthur teased. “You’ve got enough of them bouncing along the walls. Look. One… two… three…” and here he faked a huge yawn.

Frey scoffed and pushed him off her desk. “Even sleeping, my class would do better than yours.”

“That’s what you think. We’ll just have to see where the score falls at the end of the semester, won’t we?” And the fire of competition blazed in Arthur’s eyes. “I think come winter term, that trophy is going to come back to its proper home in my room.”

“I’ll take that bet.” Frey leaned forward, her eyes ablaze with the same fire.

She planted a kiss on her husband’s smiling lips just as the first bell of the day rang. Distantly they heard the school doors open, the tromp of many feet in the hall, and the cacophony of student voices. The two parted and Arthur raised his mug in a toast.

“To another school year, my love. May the best class win.” Frey clinked her coffee cup against his and said with a confident smile, “Don’t worry, we will.”

[coolcoelacanth]

i've been so fucking sad about my ex recently and i feel like a crazy person. it's deadass been 1 year since we last saw each other but it's all just hitting me right now. i was relieved for the first few months after we ended things, then i was sad, then i was doing just fine, now all of a sudden i have been fucking miserable about it for the past month. i really wish i could take my brain out of my head and run it under cold water. i feel like im short circuiting. ive just been overall depressed then ill randomly burst into tears about it for like 30 minutes. i've only been one one date since we ended things, and im starting to feel like ill never find someone i love like that again. he didn't treat me right, and i deserve better, but damn did we work together so well. if he hadn't been an idiot things could've worked out really well. now im back to square one, with all these people i genuinely have no interest in. and im pretty sure he started seeing someone shortly after we ended things and theyre still together. so i just feel even worse, like did all of that really mean that little to him? and why does he get to move on and have a happy ending? i feel like nothing is ever fair bro, i give my heart and soul to this shit and i get the short end of the stick every time. and i really, truly, deeply trusted him. i really really did. i dont know how to get over this horrible feeling of betrayal. it burns a hole in my stomach. it doesnt feel real. i dont want any of it to be real. its all just some kind of sick joke. and i keep playing back all the memories of all the things he did that hurt me, so im just hurting myself over and over again and just crying about it all. my brain is truly putting me thru my own personal hell, for why? who fucking knows. maybe bc i havent had a day off since august and im finally having a nervous breakdown, so my brain is just throwing everything its got at me. and i literally spent 8 hours studying today, then im working 8 hrs tmrw and studying afterward for my exam on monday. but it doesn't end there, it all just repeats on an endless cycle until my semester ends in december. i only have this semester and next semester left until i will only be doing rotations, but jesus christ if this doesnt kill me. and i used to have a reprieve on the weekends when my ex would come over for three days and we would just LOL and eat good food and i really felt like i could completely let all my walls down. now i never get to let my walls down because i dont trust anyone to be myself around. so im just constantly holding everything in all the time until i finally explode one day. this is literally so long but if you made it this far, im literally at my breaking point. and i dont even have time to have a break down, i get to cry about my life for a couple hours a day then i just keep going and going and going like a fucking lunatic. somebody please put me out of my misery for fucks sake

[rayraywillis]

OMG yeeeesss I know this feeling toooo well! 'Forgotten' & the sequel 'Flight' by @northern-sparrow are 2 that do that to me Everytime! Her writing is beyond God tier, it is so good! I visit these 2 on a regular basis. They will change everything u ever thought about fics and rock ur world! I cannot praise her enough and am constantly spreading the word about these treasures. Go read now fr! U will thank me! Another one that has dug deep into my very soul and is holding it prisoner is Down To Agincourt by @seperis The most epic wip ever to be imagined. We have been promised that it is already written and just need edits and a polish B4 being released, although it's been a while since it updated. I tell u this fic has me so completely in it's thrall that I constantly haunt their(@seperis) socials and check the fic on ao3 and my email for any signs of new content being released. I've asked a few times if it is still coming and not abandoned, ( and completely understand life/family/health issues/etc get in the way for everyone and that's cool but I swear to God that this fic is just so so so unnngggh that it has me feeling like some strung out dope head in a alley somewhere clawing my skin, sweating, and pacing ready to just about do anything for my next hit of this literary masterpiece. I am willing to alpha, beta, or whatever they need in order to get more of this fic mainlined to my brain pronto, hell if they *God forbid* (and shame on me for even thinking, let alone speaking this evil into the world), if they ever decide to abandon this story I will gladly pay them to allow me to edit the remainder, (with help and input of course and also their final approval on the thing) , just so it can finally be set free in the wind so that everyone that might be afflicted with the same kinda madness, might be able to slate the bloodlust like hunger that has caused many days and nights to be lost thinking about this story and pining for more to fill our minds, bodies, and souls with this glorious ambrosia. Or maybe it's just me that has this inflicting them. ?????? It haunts me. It enthralls me. It has me daydreaming, drooling, and sweating like an addict needing a fix. It's grip on me is that strong. This fic should come with a warning in the tags telling everyone that it will most likely change your whole reality and existence as u know it, forever. I bow to a true master of the word and humbly beg" pls pls pls can we be fed a little more soon?!?!? I am starving here! " Anyways.......sorry for rambling on and on fanatically on main. I'm going to go hide in my bed now and continue listening to the podfic of Forgotten, for the 15th cycle thru of my favs that I started this morning, and is what summarily prompted this outburst in the 1st place, after I came across this post on my page.

All the love to @seperis & @northern-sparrow for bringing such awesome & inspiring artistry into existence and gracing our world with it. U have my eternal love, gratitude, and devotion forever and beyond!!!! 🥰🥰🥰👏👏👏👏🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️♾️

You ever read fanfic so god tier you have to wait for real life to load back in so you spend half the day doing tasks with that dead look in your eye, replaying all your favorite moments?

[pepprs]

i make the same post in a different way almost every day butlike god. i am fucking crazy. squidward im insane.jpg if u will

[chrishoughton]

How do you deal with reptitive or obsessive thoughts that may be causing harm in life???

Obsessive thoughts! Negative thought spirals! Why do our brains hijack us?? Well, first, a few thoughts on this...

Ever since I started getting more serious about my mental health a few years ago, I've realized that I was viewing my own mental health through a disease-based model. Meaning, whenever I had obsessive thoughts, I would be resigned to the thought of "Well, I was diagnosed with OCD and I guess this is how my brain operates. 🤷‍♂️" It made me feel helpless! Also, on top of the obsessive thinking/worrying/ruminating, I had the added thought that I was "broken" or "not normal." I now view my mental health through a trauma-based model, which I believe is more accurate and leads to more effective treatment. Trauma happens to us and our brains react to said trauma. Once the trauma is address and healed, the brain's response to said trauma will lessen or leave because it's no longer necessary. With that out of the way...

I think it's also interesting that we use the term "obsession" which generally has negative connotations. Obsessive thinking can certainly become a problem, but it also means your brain is capable of immense focus and incredible passion. Aren't obsession and passion two sides of the same coin?

Now, I'm referring to the "smaller" types of obsessive thinking. You mentioned that your obsessive thinking is causing harm in your life. I'm not sure what severity of harm you're talking about but regardless, I offer this question: what are your obsessive thoughts trying to communicate to you? For instance, if you're constantly worry about something, is there any validity to your worry? I believe obsessive thoughts (like most difficult emotions) are our brain/soul's way of trying to communicate something. It's up to us to listen to these emotions without letting them control us.

CBT can be really helpful for obsessive thinking because it teaches the individual to apply rational thinking to ideas that may be irrational. For instance, if you're ruminating on the fear that you'll die in a plane crash, then it might be helpful for you to learn about airplane safety or how truly rare it is for someone to die in a commercial airline crash.

I think the most extreme version of obsessive thoughts are thoughts of harm. Either harming yourself or others. In these cases, it's important to NOT listen to the exact content of the thoughts ("I want to die") and instead dig deeper to WHY those thoughts may be coming up. Most likely, if you're experiencing these types of thoughts, you're probably in a lot of emotional or psychological pain. And in an effort to quickly "solve" the pain, your brain is offering up some pretty wild ideas. A good therapist can be crucial in this situation.

Whatever their severity, obsessive thoughts are intrusive and difficult to manage. I've found that the most helpful way for me to break the cycle of rumination is to "get out of my mind."

Meditation is a great way to do this (excercise, dance, music, etc are other helpful ways to FEEL rather than THINK). The thinking mind loves to think but that's about all it can do. So if your mind is overactive, you won't be able to "think" your way out of it. You need to FEEL your way out of it. Breathe. Relax. And surrender.

Here's a helpful breathing exercise that can provide relief within minutes! I do this almost every day: Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Take one finger and press it against the side of your nose and breathe in and out through the open nostril. Do this for a minute (or more!) then switch nostrils and repeat the breathing for the same amount of time. Then repeat for a third time but alternate nostrils (breathe IN through the left, OUT thru the right. Then IN thru the right nostril and OUT thru the left).

If you do this for 10 minutes, I guarantee you'll feel more calm and centered afterwards. You may even gain new insight as to why you're ruminating or worrying.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. Obsessive thoughts usually stem from fear. So dont add to your troubles by berating yourself for being obsessive or fearful. These are normal emotions and this is all part of the wonderful and difficult journey of being human. My best to you!

[orangefoxes]

Hey, so I've been trying to submit a prompt but it won't work so here it goes I know this will be sad but what if Neil gets really sad and depressed (the reason is up for interpretation ex: bullied by jack or is haunted by PTSD) and so he becomes full of self hate and becomes anorexic and cuts himself #andreil (this would mean so much since I've been through similar circumstances and was strong enough to pull through and keep living, this book and your Tumblr have helped me so much)

Hi @soph-ie21 I am so sorry this took a whopping 4 years for me to post. I’m terrible for not checking my inbox as my notifications have been turned off for tumblr since I was like 13. I’m so glad to hear that you recovered from your ED, you must be so strong and I’m so proud of you as I know how difficult that is to do. I’m hoping this is the sort of prompt you were looking for, if you’re even looking after this long, as it’s not very dialogue heavy, but here you go.

TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDER, SELF LOATHING, ANOREXIA.

When in high stress situations, to cope, the brain releases a hormone called cortisol. It’s alright in small doses, helpful even. It triggers your fight or flight response and readies the body to do something, fast. Constant exposure to the hormone however, has some not so good long term effects. Effects that include, but are not limited to: high blood pressure, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, osteoporosis, and, arguably the mildest, weight gain.

Cortisol results in weight gain for two reasons. The first is because it slows your metabolism, and the second is because the drop in blood sugar from constant high blood pressure means that you start craving fatty, sugary foods, which leads to overeating. Neil’s memory is not nearly good enough for him to recall what foods he had craved over the years, but he and his mother shied away from sweets and chocolate for dental reasons, it probably would have been a hardship for many kids growing up but Neil had never much cared for sugar anyway. However, what he and his mother did indulge in is a lot of fatty, fast food. Partly because it was cheap, partly because it was something they could eat while on the move, and partly because no one would look twice at two sketchy people in a Burger King or remember a beaten up old car briefly pausing in a drive thru.

While never giving much thought to how he looked (short of checking for ginger roots and the bruise on his cheek from where his mother had slapped that smile from his face), Neil does remember his weight fluctuating a lot when he was younger. The more stressful the months, the chubbier he got. It was in the quiet periods as he and his mother settled down and didn’t dare to venture into the supermarket too often that he began to lose it again. It was a cycle.

In Millport, Neil was at his lowest weight yet. There was only a solitary McDonald’s in town and Neil wasn’t about to become a regular. He stocked up on tinned food from the supermarket in his first week in town instead and meticulously made his way through them, heating the can up on the hot plate he had bought for four dollars from the thrift store in the high street.

He gained weight again once he started at Palmetto, he gained muscle mass too. This, of course, was thanks to three free meals a day and a new training regime with daily exercise. It was to be expected, but if, perhaps, he gained weight quicker than his teammates and muscle slower, well, he had bigger things to worry about.

Then he knew he was going to live.

Then everything with the Moriyamas was…well, not gone, but resolved.

That’s not to say there was nothing to stress about. There was the influx of reporters wanting to catch the Foxes’ attention to ask about Nathaniel Wesninski. There was Kevin’s impending break down as Riko’s funeral came and went. There was Aaron’s trial. Honestly it probably would have gone as stressful situations for Neil always go - here and gone just as quickly - except it turns out that Nicky cooks when he’s stressed, and Neil, well, he’s a stress eater.

After Aaron is declared innocent, Nicky resumes as normal. Neil…not quite. He’s constantly opening the cupboards to look for something to eat only to close them again when he finds nothing of interest. Without Nicky cooking, there’s nothing he can easily dig into and Neil, while accumulating many skills over the years, had never been a hand in the kitchen. The only things ready-eat that were consistently in the dorm were ramen and ice-cream. Even the thought of ramen makes Neil want to vomit and Neil wasn’t so desperate that he would resort to eating something as sweet as ice cream. Not that Andrew would let him if he did. (Andrew wasn’t a sharer).

He started to feel hungry.

He was always hungry.

The first few days he started to skip meals, he didn’t even notice he was doing it. Surely he didn’t notice he was doing it.

It’s just -

Here’s the thing.

Maybe he stress eats. Maybe his mother did too. They spent long car journeys with a family sized bag of potato chips resting by the gear stick and they spent half the time stuffing handfuls into their mouths and the other half checking the mirrors for cars that stayed behind them a touch to long. So maybe he stress ate, but it was never because of hunger: it was because of craving. It was because it gave him something to do with his hands. It was only when things quietened down, when the weeks turned long with the monotonous almost-existence that took up the majority of Neil’s life growing up (here’s something no one tells you about life on the run, in between the moments of sheer terror, it’s very very very boring), it was only then, that Neil actually began to feel things like hunger.

So when the hunger pangs began to curdle in his stomach, well, he didn’t mind. It meant he was safe enough to feel the hunger.

Maybe for the first couple of days he didn’t notice it. But then he noticed it.

He noticed enough to avoid things like rice and bread. Danger foods that packed on the calories and that made him bite the inside of his cheek until it bled at the mere thought. He noticed enough that he began to watch the others train and saw their muscles flex and couldn’t help but track their muscle growth and measure it up against his own. He always found himself lacking.

That’s when it started to get worse. If Allison spent 20 minutes on the treadmill. Then Neil would do 30. If Kevin did 40 push ups. Then Neil would do 50. If Renee had a salad for lunch, then Neil would just have a fruit pot.

The first time Andrew noticed that he skipped a meal, Neil just blinked. Being who he was, Neil didn’t do stupid things like stumble for lies and this time was no different. When Andrew asked about him not eating Neil just blinked like he hadn’t even noticed until Andrew brought it up.

He blinked and said “oh, you’re right. I got so caught up in watching exy reruns i didn’t even notice”

He said, “thanks, I’ll grab something in a sec”

Andrew breathed a scoffing breath down his nose, rolled his eyes and called him a junkie. He didn’t look at all surprised, as though Neil was only confirming what he had already guessed. Which of course is the trick all good liars employ.

Neil wondered if he would be surprised if he were to find out how impossible it would be for Neil to forget a meal time. He could never forget. All he thought about was food. It was all he thought about.

Food began to feel like it was all he cared about. Cared about more than school. Cared about more than exy. Is it terrible of him that that more than anything else feels like the worst thing?

And then, as things do, it got worse.

It turned into Neil stood in front of the mirror (looking at his body but not his eyes, never his eyes) and pinching the flesh between his fingers. Noticing every part of him that didn’t harden into muscle like the others. Noticing all the scars that had stretched strangely over a waist and thighs that are no longer as small.

He begins to peck at his food. Rip it into tiny pieces. Andrew looks down at his plate and glowers at him. Neil gives him a cheeky grin. He knows what he’s thinking. That this is just another one of those Andrew-mannerisms that Neil is taking on for himself. Like the sarcastic salutes and the blank, waiting stares. It’s so much easier to hide how little you’ve eaten when it’s all in pieces.

He didn’t know how to explain it. He just knows he needs to be thinner. He needs to weigh less. It’s not about looks. It’s never been about looks. He just needs to do this. He needs to be smaller. It will be alright then. Because then…then…

Well it will be alright then.

So here’s the thing about guilt and self loathing: they’re useless emotions. Andrew would be quick to agree. (Though Andrew is a hypocrite and is chock full of the both of them). His mother would agree too. How many times had Neil slipped poison into someone’s drink, stole from someone just as desperate, shot someone who maybe or maybe-not deserved it? And how many times after that did his mother pinch and prod at him and repeat the same mantra of “don’t you dare let guilt slow you down, you slow down and you’re dead”

Well, Mum, he’s slowed down. He slowed down so much that he’s stopped altogether and guess what? He fucking hates himself.

He replays it all in his head like a terrible loop. The boy in Switzerland that he tricked into taking his jacket so His fathers men would go after him instead. The old women he and his mother tricked into housing them and then slipped something in her tea until she slept and never woke up again. The homeless man who had broken into the house they were squatting in that Neil had shot on instinct. Seth.

Seth. Seth. Seth.

He fucking hates himself. Honestly the hunger pains kind of feel like the best thing he’s ever felt after that. The pain, the ache, he deserves it.

Then it gets worse. Then comes the worst part.

Andrew’s meds change again. The others had begun to make him irritable and he always had an energy crash by about 5pm and a terrible headache. The new ones wouldn’t be of much note as they did nothing groundbreakingly different, short of getting rid of the headaches and not sapping so much of his energy.

Except for one key side effect of the meds.

They suppressed Andrew’s appetite.

More and more Andrew is missing meals. He won’t even eat more than a tablespoon of ice cream. Neil watches him and adjusts himself to suit. He doesn’t know why, but he just can’t be eating more than him, he can’t.

The frustration he feels about Andrew’s meds soon turn to resentment. He hates that he has to watch Andrew not eat and not seem affected by it at all. Andrew lessens his exercise under Betsy’s advice and yet nothing changes. His weight stays the same. He probably even loses some thanks to the loss of muscle. Neil watches and Neil hates. He hates that if he skipped out on training he would pack on the pounds, he hates that his stomach hurt and hurts and Andrew doesn’t spare a thought on food at all.

He starts to avoid the roof. He starts to dodge Andrew’s gaze the same way he does his own in the mirror.

The next time they’re alone and Andrew leans in, more hesitant than he’s been in months, Neil jerks back and snaps “No.”

It isn’t even completely because of the resentment. The majority of it is because he feels disgusting and fat and he can’t bare Andrew touching him right now. Can’t bare him looking at him.

Andrew’s face closes off and he slides back to the other side of the couch. He’s searching Neil’s face, trying to find the misstep, trying to find what he did wrong.

Good, let him think he did something wrong.

Now that’s the resentment.

It’s immediately one of the worst things Neil has ever thought. He remembers sitting, trembling, on the roof, Andrew refusing to touch him saying “I wont be like them, I wont let you let me be”

And Neil’s trying to make him think, wants to make him feel -

Jesus Christ. He’s a piece of fucking shit.

He slams his way out of the dorm and runs and runs and runs.

He sleeps in the locker room and slumps out in the morning so he’s first in the main room for the meeting with Wymack. He sits on a chair that’s as far away from every other seat as it can get while still completing the make do semi-circle around where Wymack usually stands. When the others begin to filter in they take in his new seat, but don’t comment when they see his storming expression.

When Andrew sees him he pauses for a beat in the doorway before continuing to his usual seat on the couch. He stares at Neil blankly, but his hands are clenching and unclenching in his lap. Wymack hesitates but doesn’t say anything. The others play at being uninterested and only Aaron openly looks between Neil and Andrew with a steadyingly darkening expression.

Neil slams his locker and gets changed in the cubicles for the first time in months. He’s vicious in practice. Throwing in as many dirty moves as he can. Andrew stands in the goal and does nothing. When it’s only Wymack’s sharp whistle that stops Neil bringing his racket down on Matt’s arm when he attempts to steal the ball, Neil is benched.

He yanks off his helmet and slumps down on the bench and tries to remember how to breathe through rage.

He’s sat, pinching at the skin on his thigh, for ten minutes before Allison joins him. She holds out a breakfast bar and Neil stiffens.

“Eat, it might help you stop being such a raging asshole,” she says.

Neil takes the breakfast bar and when she doesn’t immediately leave he opens it and snaps a bit off with his fingers.

He stares down the rolled oats and nuts and grimaces at the sticky feeling of the syrup that holds them together. He feels sick.

“Are you going to eat?” Allison says.

Neil looks at her and huffs a bitter breath through his nose. A wry smile pulls at the corner of his lips.

He remembers that Allison battled bulimia for years.

You can’t lie to a liar.

She looks at his face. Concern trying to become anger that she’s trying to force to stay concern. She looks at his face and then over at Andrew, who is stood in his goal watching them as Kevin shouts at him to fucking do something already. She looks back at Neil.

“You know, relationships are hard enough without mental health problems in the mix. Seth and I were a terrible combination for many reasons and that was one them. I’m not saying it can’t be done or that it shouldn’t be done, I’m just saying it makes it so much harder. He used to try to make me eat. I hated him for that. Hated that I had to hide my own habits in my own room. One day, after he stopped me from going to purge one too many times we got into an argument. I said some disgusting things to him. The next day he was in the hospital because of an overdose. He had to get his stomach pumped. You know what the worst thing is? I don’t even remember what it is I said. I don’t know if what I did triggered him or if it would have happened anyway, but it couldn’t have helped. You’re always going to trigger each other at one point or another, it’s unavoidable. But if you know that and you don’t do anything to help yourself…well that’s when every shit thing you think about yourself starts to become true. So tell me, are you a piece of shit that’s going to drag everyone down with you, or are you better than that?”

Neil looks down at the breakfast bar. He still can’t make himself eat it.

He swallows harshly against the lump in his throat. He has to swallow two more times until he’s sure he can talk without crying.

“What’s betsy’s number?” He asks.

Allison doesn’t smile, but she nods like he’s done the right thing and pulls out her phone.

SIDE NOTE: I’d like to point out that Neil is very flawed and toxic in his thinking and Allison is harsh in what she says to him just because she’s a harsh person. If you have an eating disorder I know sometimes help and recovery seems like the worst thing in world and something you really don’t want, but please, please seek help. You can do it.

[sidewayspeace444]

This is for entertainment purposes only. Do not take anything serious or as facts. Fun. Nothing is set in stone. In fact, a reader once told me it would take 2-3 years for my boyfriend to finally commit to me and now I’m in a happy relationship with him. Energy shifts.

What is JG like?

Emperor/Devil/Fool Rx/4oP/8oC

JG comes off to me as someone who doesn’t want to settle down right now. He loves his freedom, and doesn’t want to be tied down for no longer than 2-3 years at a time. It’s like that saying “The grass isn’t always greener on the other side” but he likes to double check to make sure. He just feels like he’s constantly seeking. A true wanderer and it’s going to take someone else to really understand that part of him. JG seems like he has a restless soul and it’s exhausting to read.

I think he picks them younger than him or someone who depends on love because he likes to be a father figure type/someone who is in control (Emperor). He wants someone who will follow what he says and he thinks with something else other than his brain (Devil). He stays near and close to his comfort zone because he refuses to step into a new direction (Fool Rx/4oP) he has very poor judgement when it comes to women and changes. I think once he discovers that having a woman near your age and someone who can actually interact with you on the same level of intelligence then he’ll walk away from his current problems (8oC) intuitively I feel like he’s just not ready right now. When I asked for a timeline I received 3 years.

JG’s Future Spouse

6oC/2oS/10oC

Looking at my spread, and intuitively, I think she might already be in his life. I think they’re old acquaintances and they’ll be reintroduced to one other (6oC) possibly by a sibling? I know most people don’t use this one as the sibling card, but for me if it feels right then it’s the sibling/family member card for me.

I think they’ve met a handful of times because of this connection, but never quite said “hmm I like this” or took the moment to get to know each other on a better level. I think there is attraction, but just not that love at first sight type of attraction. Very indecisive about their first few encounters. Intuitively I believe they’ll need to sit down and have a conversation about the things they generally like, and that’s when that spark will start to fly. It’ll go off like a light bulb moment “Oh, there you were.”

World/High Priestess/4oW Rx

To me, JG has a lot of healing to go thru at the moment. Past relationships for him have been long term but nothing that has left him feeling as if he could spend the rest of this lifetime with someone. The Universe works in mysterious ways so when JG is ready and his energy is good to go with a more settling down type of relationship the Universe will conspire and arrange it for this reacquainted meeting to happen. He has to be on the same frequency and in my honest opinion I don’t believe he’s ready no matter what he says.

Star/3oW/QoW/9oP

I think she’s very artistic. Likes to plan and organize. I think she lives in the US, and I don’t get a foreign vibe from her. Honestly she just comes off from New Yorker-ish to me. Maybe it’s not where she’s originally from, but I definitely believe she lives there now. Only my opinion. If I had to pin point a job down with her, I’d say she works in a gallery for art. Successful in her own right (9oP) and loves her own freedom. I’m seeing a lot of jewel tones in my head when I channel her so I believe that she might like those colors more than pastels/earth tones. I think she’s been healing and getting more into spiritual side of things. Possibly checking out her birth chart and trusting her intuition a bit more (High Priestess) I think she wants a level of commitment that isn’t just a piece of paper, but someone who is loyal and can keep up with her active lifestyle. If I had to say she looks like anyone, I’d say Beau Garrett mid 30s. Tall & slender with light brown hair with highlights. That’s only what my guides are showing ME. When these two get together, they’ll both realize they’re alike in more ways in the relationship department and everything will make sense. They’ve more than likely learned from each relationship that has occurred in their lifetime and this has lead them to where they will be right then and there.

When will they get together?

3oP/2oP/Death/7oC Rx

2 to 3 years. I see them getting to know each other on the better level in about two years, and dating for a little over a year before an engagement occurs. This will be a fresh start and a new cycle for them both. They need to balance out their own lives currently before jumping into a relationship that is meant for a longtime commitment. Their relationship will be happy; and filled with a lot of love. As for kids I’m only seeing two for them as of right now, and the first will be a girl. Just in my opinion only. JG will finally get a chance to actually rest and he’s not going to think about what he’s missing out on and he will enjoy the present. Absolutely wonderful pair that will compliment each other in so many ways.

All I have for now! Hopefully you like it. Again, only my opinions only and how I read my cards/what my guides tell me. I’ll be working on his current relationship reading soon :)

[fateology]

witness my brain rot. tma raven cycle au but i haven’t looked at trc in many years so probably even more of a mess than it fundamentally is as a concept

martin blackwood as BLUE SARGENT

this is a pretty obvious choice since i casted jon as gansey already. fox way women include jane prentiss/annabelle cane/agnes montague, who all raised him as a spooky polycule. helen is there also opening doors in his bedroom when he needs boy advice (she is not to be trusted)

he is also the number one aglionbyphobe in town. comes very close to spitting on jon during their first meeting, which is a great coincidence, because jon, too, was dying to spit on him

they work it out though but only after many books of disdainful co-adventuring

his dad may or may not have been a tree

jonathan sims as RICHARD GANSEY

what is he looking for? glendower? jonah magnus’ corpse? probably jonah magnus’ corpse. when he was eight he nearly died after being attacked by i dunno a very large owl but he heard A Voice and survived. now he will not stop until he finds that buried old shithead

picks up friends like they’re fun rings. he’s not even that sociable so no one’s really sure how it happens

sits awake in monmouth every night with gerry/melanie and builds little cardboard panopticons that he sees in his dreams. why is he looking for the corpse of jonah magnus? unclear. he sure knows a lot about the man though

owner of a terrible horrible car that martin has definitely succeeded in spitting on at one point. the car is an extension of his soul so it was the next best thing

georgie barker as ADAM PARRISH

certain about this because georgie could so be an adam. aglionby is co-ed here so she can hate from within the club. the number two aglionbyphobe, she would be number one if not for the fact that she actually is in aglionby, which bumps her down one spot

begins a very intense rivalry/mutual interest with this other awful girl jon’s acquired as a friend aka wtgfs as pynch!

later on she gets psychic lessons from fox way ladies. scries in the aglionby girls toilet by plugging the sinks when she should be in latin class

(georgie, eyes black: WHAT DID MELANIE KING GET ON HER GATSBY ESSAY. AND WAS IT HIGHER THAN ME

cracks in the porcelain, rearranging: 89

georgie: FUCK)

melanie king as RONAN LYNCH

she is one half of two ronans because i split ronan into two parts. she’s ronan prime. the number three aglionbyphobe. rouser of tempers, flouter of school rules, breaker of nose bridges

she and jon are friends because she broke his nose in phys ed after he ran into her on accident

super into the other awful girl jon’s acquired as a friend, will not admit it even to herself. proceeds to have four books worth of angry dreams about it

drives her dead father’s swanky car around all the time because what is the raven cycle about if not driving your dead father’s swanky car around all the time. brotherless, except for gerry, who is basically her declan. they’re both greywarens and the worst kind of bffs

gerard keay as RONAN LYNCH, DOS, or DECLAN LYNCH, LITE

gerry is also a lynch sibling except that he’s both declan and ronan somehow

mary is niall and eric is aurora. instead of grieving for mary’s death gerry goes frolicking in the hills out of sheer joy (ABOUT TIME! and with a TIRE IRON no less! this is everything he’s dreamed of)

but also eric is dream-asleep except when he’s in the forest...what was it called...cabeswater. so not a full win. cabeswater was a keay/king team effort

anyway gerry greywaren indulgence 💖 he would do great with a raven on his shoulder. he was the one who brought jon to the nurse after melanie broke his nose, providing jon with the absolute coup of two awful new friends in one day. fast forward some months and gerry’s bunkbedding with melanie in monmouth

lots of gay rivalries (4 to be specific) and gay car races, which brings me to the next thing,

mike crew as JOSEPH KAVINSKY

except less of a douchebag and more of an asshole. primarily because the witch at the middle of the figurative bog of my prolonged tma brain rot is gerrymike. actually this would be tma dream thieves au if i’m being honest

lichtenberg figure = mike’s dream monster. mike does the counterfeiting thing mostly with rare books because he’s looking for something to exorcise the lichtenberg from his dreamscape.

that feeling when your family is rich as balls and you are functionally or genuinely an orphan and also you can manifest objects in your real life from your sleeping brain. nothing to be done about it except have some homosexual car races with your rival who happens to be sexy and a goth. once more, driving your dead father’s swanky car around all the time.

his dream pack includes jude perry/michael shelley/mikaele salesa except it’s not His dream pack because he doesn’t have the kavinsky ringleaderitis and they’re just weirdos who hang out together and occasionally do dream narcotics

sasha james as NOAH CZERNY

classic. the secretly been a ghost all this time! got #murdered years ago so she’s glad that her friends don’t seem to mind. everyone just thought she was like anemic or something.

depending on where you began the story it was about sasha james...was more when she was alive etc etc.

definitely was a skater. got beat to death with her skateboard by her best friend who was also quizzically named sasha

timothy stoker as HENRY CHENG

i don’t think i have to say much but yeah. he’s gerry’s fourth gay rivalry. wildly aglionby-popular which is honestly not something he should be proud of (he knows this)

constantly getting dunked on by all of jon’s friends but he can dunk back just as good which is a relief for him

embroiled in a mystic dynasty of his own thru his mom but way more well adjusted about it than gerry or melanie (they dunk on him to cope)

hobbies include toga parties and joining other peoples relationships (aka jonmartim as sarchengsey)

no real plot to all of it because i can’t figure out who’s who in terms of antagonists. all of them are jonah magnus wearing different people’s skins probably

[wantaichi]

proxy

semi eita x reader

anon request: yo so the the semi drabble i- could we get more for that ?

a/n: some angst and mature themes. might have veered off the original work juuust a bit, but the idea remains! (see: drabble)

. It’s hard to miss it — the hint of sentimentality in the way you looked at him.

Semi didn’t expect you to frequent these parties, spare him a glance and approach him no less. So it flummoxed him when you did, but not so much when it turned out you’d only mistaken him for someone else.

It’s how he finds out that, despite being in the same evening class, you knew him neither by name nor by face. He’s not surprised by this, not when you’re always seated near the back door and constantly slipping in and out of class to god knows where.

“Sorry! Thought you were someone I knew.”

He’s not used to seeing you outside your usual ensemble of leggings and oversized hoodies. But you don’t look half bad tonight, all embellished from head to toe, unwittingly turning heads left and right. 

Maybe he’ll take his chances.

“Let me get you a drink so we can work on the knowing part.” 

You study him carefully before allowing yourself a smile. “Sure.” + You take him back to your dorm that night.

Laying on the couch with his head resting on your chest, you confide in him about your unrequited feelings for someone. How you’ve been mindlessly chasing them for years, only to see another person make them smile the way you couldn’t. 

And in spite of your shame, you admit a twisted part of you would’ve been content experiencing their touch at least once before moving on. Semi finds himself all ears as he digests all this, not too proud of the thoughts brewing in his head.

“He’s the same guy I mistook you for earlier.” You reach out to muss up his hair, a nostalgic smile crossing your face. “Same gray hair and chiseled features and sort of scary eyes.”

“Scary?” At this, you let out a chuckle, soft and tooth-rottingly sweet, and Semi can’t hold back the curve forming on the corners of his lips. He lets his hands meander over your hips, the mere feel of them enough to drug and muddle his thoughts.

“I figured that much,” he says, then pauses to consider his next words carefully. “But if you need help getting it out of your system, just know I’m down for it.” For a while, only a passive look comes as your response.

“That would be unfair for you.”

“Not if I’m willing.”

“Even if I imagine you as someone else?”

He lifts his head and starts nipping at your neck. “Yeah.”

“You’re just horny.”

“Maybe.” + You start sitting beside him in class, and Semi learns that you’re an observer.

You can be smart when you feel like it, like when others’ opinions come out too strong during recitation, and you whisper to him the tiniest flaws in their logic that everyone else is too preoccupied to notice.

But most of the time your observations were outright, crackhead-level stupid, and he wants to bawl and curse you and ask where the fuck you get the brain cells to make a resemblance between the professor’s wrinkles and the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter?

You’ll get him sent out of class one of these days—he’s sure of it—and he’ll pin the blame on you for charming him more than he can handle. + You learn that he has an ear for music.

That he had a habit of carving songs into his head, from the notes down to the rhythm, playing it over and over until assembling the tune came as easy breaking it apart.

He does the same with you.

Rouse your moans to the pitch of his liking, only to hear them shatter in fragments of breathlessness when you reach your orgasm. It’s euphoric, and he found himself hooked the first time he hears it, sought it out the same way he would a song he hears on the radio for the first time.

So he came back every night.

Every week.

Again—

—and again because it’s never enough just replaying everything in his head anymore. 

You sound your best right now (though he says this every time), when your gasps harmonize with his. With the erotic subtones of bed creaking and sharp skin slapping, only amplified when he presses you flat into the mattress with his crushing weight.

He shuts his eyes and soaks up every sound in the room—even the occasional whispers of a certain name that comes out of your lips soft and sweet, yet enters his ears harsh and piercing.

He considers getting his ears checked for signs of internal bleeding. + “That’s fucked up.”

Semi only takes a long swig from his bottle, not bothering to respond. Why was he even talking about this with Tendou of all people?

“So you’re filling in for someone she can’t have?” The readhead might as well have punctured him in the gut while he’s at it.

“It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s just a hook up.” 

Silence passes them for a while. His words make their way to his lungs, clogging it up to uncomfortable extremities.

“I hear there’s this new degree the admins came up with. It’s called BS-Clownery. You’d fit in swimmingly.”

The succeeding drinks were put on Tendou’s tab that night. + Maybe he is  a clown after all.

Otherwise, there wouldn’t be any of this bitter attachment towards you, freely using him to satisfy unrequited feelings. And yet, the mounting pain feels so good it washes over him in waves that he wishes would never pass.

Semi didn’t want this pass. 

Maybe it’s why he’s still here, hanging at your place on the last week of the semester, watching you hover over the boxes of pizza with surprise and craving leaking from your face.

“What are we celebrating?” 

“Surviving the semester. Never getting sent out of class despite multiple warnings. You passing.”

You allow yourself a proud smile.

“You mean us passing.”

“Yeah, but you almost didn’t.” No thanks to your poor attendance. You laugh in understanding before he continues counting all the other small causes for celebration off his fingers.

Being a step closer to graduation. Regaining a normal sleep cycle. Summer break, finally. Life in general.

Meeting you. + He appreciates your abstract ramblings.

You once told him that the closest people can get to experiencing eternity was to lay awake and bask in the darkness. In the softness, the quiet, and the sense of rest one can only get in the dead of night.

It’s past two am and Semi wants to ask you if eternity felt like being six feet deep and six feet off the ground at the same time. 

But you’re asleep, nuzzled into the crook of his neck with your arms sprawled across his chest like no one else can have him but you. He likes that thought, and he likes how the feel of your lashes on his skin and the steady rise and fall of your chest are enough to calm him, dispel the tussle of conflicting thoughts in his head.

He slowly grazes his fingers on the hollow of your back, as slow as this moment seemed to pass, as if caught in a standstill. Semi understands—this is what you meant.

His consciousness must have been starting to ebb away because, just as sleep was about to take him, he thinks he hears you mumble something in your sleep.

“...Eita..”

He wraps both arms around you, sure that he’d heard that correctly. ——

a/n: liked this work? leave a note or send in your thoughts thru my ask box!

[dyketectivecomics]

Ok, I'll bite: please explain the Roller Derby AU shipping chart emojis XD Admittedly it is less convoluted than I feared once I took a close look but I wonder if it's intentional that between Harley and Talia there's both an "uwu" and a throwing hands emoji.

That was intentional as FUCK IM SO GLAD U PICKED UP ON IT LMAO

Okay, so we’ll divide these by colors and the add the emojis and hopefully no one will call me out for a past fandom I was in but that’s just the risk I gotta take

Also note before I start, I use ship names (no spaces btwn names or with a / slash if I’m unsure of the ship name) for romantic/sexual ships. And the ampersand (&) for platonic/other ‘ships’. Bc Ao3 rlly Did Something and we ought to bring that over here with more regularity tbh

Black:

Harley & Talia - uwu vs ผ(•̀_•́ผ) 

so idk if Harley and Talia have rlly had like, SIGNIFICANT interactions, they didn’t have a lot of direct stuff even in the GCS issues (bc obvsly Selina & Talias whole thing was center stage for that one) BUT. Harley gets on ppls nerves!!! She’s only got like! Two settings and normally the more playful one is out and I can’t imagine that ever being anything BUT annoying as fuck to Talia! And ofc Harley LOVES fucking with ppl so it’s just gonna be a whole continuous cycle of her Ramping Up Shenanigans while Talia becomes the human embodiment of the *arthur clenching fist* meme. Add onto the fact that again, Talias the pivot and Harleys the Jammer and you’ve got a RECIPE FOR DISASTER.

IvyZee - (ง •̀_•́)ง vs ผ(•̀_•́ผ)

I talked awhile ago abt my Social Media Rivals AU and tbh...... there’s not a whole lot there that CANT ALSO crossover to here so!!! I just rlly enjoy the idea of Ivy and Zee fuckin HATING each other and it constantly being a “oh my god just Kiss or Kill each other already” I know some ppl don’t like those ships but LISTEN. Listen if we play the inherent sexual tension of enemies to rivals to begrudging allies to 👀👀👀 buddies right I THINK I can make this work.

Red:

HarlIvy - ❤️

OBVIOUS. I should not HAVE to explain this one at all aksjak (other than the general reminder that I’m gonna try hard as hell to make it slow burn bc 🔥 I need it)

Teal

Zeelina - 🙃

y’all K N O W I’ve got COMPLEX feelings abt them. So this is rlly no different. This is gonna be that On/Off again thing, they’re hot n cold all the time, things get messy and they’ll have Conflicts but ultimately will pull together bc 🙃 well.... there always WILL be that history+chemistry There, whether they admit to it or not

Navy

Talina/DemonCat - 😈

I just think it would be VERY NEAT if they started something together!!! And just 100% organically just mutually dated!! And maybe only find out way later that they both dated Famed College Drop-Out Bruce Wayne lmao anyways. Theyre both hot and I love them and think they should date so!

Talia/Zee - 💅

see above, but also Make It Even More Fashion and there’s Slightly More Distrust At First (bc yeah they got that Mutual Attraction. But also Zee Heard things from B, and Talia’s not so Sure abt where Zee stands in general so!!)

(Side note, yes I also want Talia/Selina/Zee eventually but LISTEN. It’s not gonna happen all at once from the go!!! We gotta try a couple Configurations First!!)

Yellow

Harley & Selina - 🫂 

theyre friends thru and thru and I love that for them and just want good things for them both in that friendship!!! Idk!!! I’m sure there’s probably SOME shippers for them out there but!!! I just love their friendship so much so!!! Friends! They shall be!

Green

CatIvy - 👀

THESE TWO ON THE OTHER HAND THO. okay listen LISTEN. Ivy and Selina’s Arkham City cutscenes live RENT FREE IN MY BRAIN. Theyve DEF slept together at least once or twice! I will accept nothing less! (The green is for mostly staying friends tho so onto these next ones)

Talia/Ivy - 🤝

okay so in canon, technically It’s Like Ivy 🤝 Talia: technically eco-terrorists who for all intents and purposes would be Heroes if their Ways Of Saving The Planet werent Kinda Skewed. So we’re carrying that over to here where Talia is an anthropology major and Ivy’s a botany major BUT they’re both getting minors in poli sci and take some of the same classes and 🤝 bond there before Ivy invites Talia to join the derby team that Harleys trying to form. And maybe they sleep together once or twice or a few times as friends with bennies idk

Harley/Zee - 🤡

listen I loved Harley’s Little Black Book and ESP that one halloween story that Dini wrote for them and basically I think it would fuckin Hilarious if they slept together at least once and then never brought it up again akdjsk so I’m gonna like. Imply it One Time and Never Bring It Up Again and ppl are just gonna have to draw their own conclusions!

[tfw-no-tennis]

hunter x hunter thotz so far

soooo ruth and i started watching hunter x hunter woohoo finally! we’re like 10 or so eps in so i decided to collect some thots below on what i think so far (i havent rlly been spoiled so im interested to look back on this once ive watched more)

first off i love gon sm, hes immediately so endearing...hes just a baby!!!! just a little baby boy!!!! hes just so cute and good, im so not ready for him to get put thru the wringer later on as ive vaguely heard happens

the first few episodes were really fast paced which i enjoyed and thought was for the best. the characters came thru really strongly and i feel like we heard juuuust enough about the setting, premise, and what a hunter is 

i wasnt expecting leorio and kurapika to show up in the FIRST EP lmao that surprised me. i love so much how the three of them like IMMEDIATELY became a family unit in like 3 eps lmaoooo it was like ok here are 2 parents and their son bam. also leorio and kurapika having a showdown on the boat (which didnt end up happening) was a wild ride 

i have like zero fucking idea what a hunter is and the more they attempt to explain the more confused i get. its honestly kind of hilarious how little sense it makes. to be clear this doesnt detract from my enjoyment of the show at all (if anything it adds to it)

oh my god fuckgin hisoka is the worst he hasnt done much but i hate him so much already. good villain writing/design so far, hes so hateable

ruth every time hisoka shows up: WE HATE UR PUSSY BIIIITCH 

the character design in this show is....a lot lmao. ruth and i decided its a cross between soul eater, jojo, and one piece in terms of aesthetic. the designs are certainly unique and so many of them are just so ugly hvbjafdbdskgs it reminds me of that post thats like ‘masterpost of jojo characters who look busted as shit’ lmao

i already love this show a lot tbh like the way its structured so far has been kinda atypical for a shounen, at least in terms of fights - we really havent seen a lot of fighting yet. also nen hasnt shown up yet and its reminding me of stands not becoming a thing in jojo until p3 lmao 

anyways in litrally ep1 i already loved the 3 main characters we saw...leorio is a wild dude, i love him sm, especially as a fellow medical binch who wants MONEY. like, thats literally me. and kurapika is also wild, like damn they rlly just dropped their backstory in ep 1 huh. like we rlly are jumping right into this 

also when leorio said he was a teenager i was like WHAT???? just like evryone else which YEA omfg. i cant believe hes that young lmao. kurapika too

so leorio is one of those 19 yr olds who looks 40 and kurapika is the type of teen who looks like a 12 yr old

and KILLUA i love him sm also....hes an adorable assassin catboy and hes perfect. i love how quickly he and gon hit it off (tiny bfs.....) and how hes just like, this extra as hell 12 yr old with a SKATEBOARD and ASSASSIN SKILLS and then he sees gon and is like guess im gonna fall in love 

i gotta talk abt gon again i just love him. hes so polite and cute and kind and good, i just love him...wht a good protag. his motivation is just wild too, hes like well my dad abandoned me to go off and be a hunter (which he isnt even mad abt, what a nice lad) so im gonna do that to see what the deal is

i love how gon (just like the audience) doesnt really know what a hunter does/is and just goes into the exam totally blind lmao. also the fact that his skills seem to include jumping good, being speedy, having the energy typical of a 12 yr old, being a weather sniffer, being nice, and having good instincts/constitution as a result of having eaten random grass and forest shit growing up...amazing. 

is this gonna turn out to be one of those things where its like, wow theyve been using nen this whole time without realizing! tht would honestly explain a lot lmao 

i really enjoy how like....semi-normal the power levels are rn? while also being all over the place and wack as fucks obvs (like hisoka dissolving that guys arms in his first appearance was A Lot, as well as all the card stuff hes done..). like the part wher that blue guys (evil franky one piece) punches the ground and it leaves a crater and everyones like !!!! wow wtf thats unnatural! that literally threw me off bc that kinda thing is so normal in anime lmaoooo. but i like that thats the starting point bc it leaves a lot of room for power escalation w/out it getting too out of hand 

specifially our protags are starting out pretty low on the Shounen Badass scale - especially gon (and leorio, tho i kinda predict he wont be as fight-y? what with him being premed)

i find it kinda hilarious how killua hasnt done too much (aside from murdering those 2 randos in like half a second) despite being so clearly skilled...like when they have to do the 5v5 fight thing in the tower, i wouldve thought hed be the first up cause hes so badass but nope

actually thats what i find interesting - i was expecting all 5 (or maybe 4, we’re in the middle of leorio’s ‘fight’) of the fights to be physical smackdowns but so far nope, theyve been very cerebral. that bodes well, w/how smart the fights have been, bc i doubt the fights will get stale tht way 

tho they might be kinda frustrating sometimes - there are times when u DO just wanna see a good ole fashioned shounen beatdown yknow. but we do get enough of that now (and im sure we’ll get plenty more) to satisfy (like kurapika decking fake-franky) 

oh also the opening. its so charming and cute and i love the song...its also so hilariously basic and classic - like one of those typical 2000s anime openings where theres stock run cycles of all the main characters and theres a little animation of all the characters fighting together (and that fight doesnt actually happen, its just for the op) 

also love that leorios the only one who doesnt fight in the OP, instead getting saved from death by gon lmao. im curious if he’ll end up fighting at all (i assume a little?) and if he’ll use nen (probably healing type nen?) 

also i already wanna fistfight ging for abandoning his perfect angel son. also leorio is literally gons dad already, they even look alike wow 

that guy hanzo has done basically 0 things so far but i rlly like him already, im curious if thatll change. also sorry for calling u ‘hanzo overwatch!?!?!?!’ upon first viewing my guy 

tonpa is str8 up so annoying pls leave u pathetic loser 

tho it cracked me up when he and Evil Mr Clean were facing off and starting getting all detailed/shaded and i was like o shit is he actually badass. are we abt to see like a nen battle or st. but no....lmaooo

i found it interesting that leorio didnt really admit to wanting to be a dr at first...hes such a good dude, he kinda just let kurapika think that his motives were superficial and greedy when in actuality theyre selfless

also wanting to be rich can be a rlly interesting character motivation and i love when its done right

oh my god i cant believe it took me this long to mention the hilariously edge ED....like holy shit, its so 2000s, the song sounds like its been re-recorded like 40000 times bc of how bad the audio quality is, or something, idk how to describe music but its hilariously specific in tone and its rlly funny to see shots of the main characters smiling while this screamo whatever plays in the bg....wow. 

also s/o to killua for being king of edgy with that ‘tear of blood’ shot

i rlly like how much of the plot, especially the early hunter exam stuff, is moved along simply by gon being a good kind polite boy. 

love the fact that he and leorio and kurapika (and later killua) all team up without even saying anything...i love that, most shounen would have them be like ‘che, i cant team up with anyone, i have to prove myself ALONE or my victory wont be EARNED’ or w/e idk. who knows that might happen later but rn i love how they all effortlessly work together (and how they all contribute - without each other they would have all failed at different points) 

oh man also killuas first appearence was so funny when he drank a bunch of tonpas poisoned drinks and was like [smirks] tch, loser, im immune to poison. get dunked on. [skateboard away] i love him so fuckgin much 

omfg that part where killua looks all shoujo/kawaii and is talking abt how hes gonna kill his family or w/e and gon is just like ^_^? i love they

HOOOOLY FUCK I ALMOST FORGOT, BUT 65% OF THE REASON I MADE THIS POST WAS TO MENTION HISOKAS THEME LMAOOOOO his music being like fuckgin, spanish guitar/traditional mexican type music is sooooo goddamn funny to me for some reason, like the first time it played i was like ok whats going ON with this spanish guitar lmao but then i figured out that its his theme and god thats so funny 

hisoka is also so fuckign jojo like he could so easily be in jojo. he and dio would be the fakest best friends ever and would constantly try to kill each other on the lowdown and shittalk each other constantly in private but be super sweet to each others faces. also they would hatefuck. no im not taking criticism bye 

i rlly love everyones backstories also, and i find it interesting that weve gotten to hear/see at least some of all 4 of the MCs backstories. theyre all compelling and interesting and i cant wait to dive in further 

also calling it now but kurapika is totally gonna get way too absorbed in revenge and get fucked up/disregard their own life (maybe in the style of robin in one piece?) we’ll see but i feel like it aint gonna end well. i could be wrong, i really havent been spoiled at all, thats just my guess 

hbahjfbshjf the ep that was called ‘hisoka x is x sneaky’ was SO funny that reads like a dora the explorer ep title 

also i had no idea the ep titles were formatted like that w/the x’s and thats rlly funny 

ok but the part where leorio - who seems to be pretty bad at fighting - tries to fight hisoka - whose literal first appearence involved him effortlessly dissolving a dudes arms - is so fucking funny. leorio rlly b a premed w/no brain cells....same bro. 

also i loved the Cutthroat Kitchen portion of the hunter exam and how not a single contestant was any good at it lmaoooo. do they not have the cooking channel in hxh-verse earth 

ok i love how the main characters are all intuitive in different ways depending on their own skills, like how killua can immediately guess that kurapika has never killed anyone before after they didnt kill evil-franky

kurapika joined killua in the Edgy Corner during that part also. like, they both have legit reasons to be edgy, but the shots of kurapika sitting in the darker tunnel part was kinda funny

also killua, a literal 12 yr old, calling out kurapika for being a murder virgin was pretty hilarious 

ok also i didnt know that madhouse animated hxh which is rlly funny but w/e i love the animation especially the occasional chibi parts and the facial expressions (like killuas ‘i love murder’ catboy expressions) 

oh also when killua murdered those 2 guys and his hand was all vein-y and his nails were pointy, his hands looked like hisokas do...i wonder if thats a legit connection or it hisoka just b getting his nails did 

kurapika talking abt how even seeing a regular spider makes them rlly angry was both very sad and kinda funny. kura u have so many issues god bless 

kurapikas smackdown on evil blue franky was fuckin dope tho. and the red eyes reveal was SPOICY 

rlly love how the individual fights highlights the characters strengths/morals/motivations/whatever....the writing is already really strong tbh 

ugh ok ive ranted enough this is a Lot lmao its so disorganized but w/e 

basically i love this series so far and im rlly curious whatll happen next. also everything seems pretty chill and upbeat so far (relatively) and i know this shit gets dark and im NOT FUCKING READY. 

til next timeeee