#there's nothing i can do but wait (again)
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I think a really underrated character duo in gravity falls is Dipper and Stan. Like one, I think they are way more similar than people give them credit for. Like Dipper is definitely the one who feels like the ‘inferior’ twin (internally on his part), something reflected in Stan. Also Dipper is generally pretty cunning and willing to throw punches in a Stan-way, you can see Stan rubbing off on him as the show progresses. Dipper in the Stan costume, and that one scene where Stan and Dipper both cross their fingers at the same time for the same promise, both live in my head rent free. In my heart of hearts I think Dipper picks up a bit of Stans con-man tricks in the future (and Mabel goes on some bonding missions w/ Ford, but this post isn’t abt them). Also I just want to say I bet Dipper reminded Stan of a young Ford and that informed some of their early dynamic. Anyway bye just needed this brainworm out
#gravity falls#dipper pines#Stan pines#stanley pines#That one scene in Dreascapers where Stan talks abt how he sees himself in Dipper and that’s why he’s hard on him?#yeah#look the twins can obviously be put into their easy Mabel-Stan Dipper-Ford parallels#BUT I think it’s interesting to do it teh other way too#because Mabel and Ford are the weird twins of their pairs!!! they’re the outcasts who get picked on for being strange!#Also while I don’t think Mabel is Selfish (I love Mabel) she can be a little self-centered which is a good parallel to Ford who#is also kinda self centered#again I say this with love- Mabel did nothing wrong#similarly- Dipper can be mapped to the ‘Screw up twin’ (in his mind) the way Stan can#Dipper is a nerd but he’s not a super-genius like Ford was- so next to mabel he feels inferior#(I feel like he said something like this somewhere? the journal?)#anyway Stan is the same way#Also the way Dipper would fuck anyone up for hurting his family- even going as far to THREATEN bill in BOB#Tbf mabel does this too but it’s way less serious#anyway have this#gravity falls dipper#gravity falls stanley#wait I’m not over this actually#Mabel getting tricked by Bill pretending to be someone she trusted can be a Ford paralell actually#you know how bill sees himself in Ford despite the fact he’s WAYYY more like Stan??? that but mabel the opposite way. do you see the vision?#also the fact the two pines bill hates are Dipper and Stan. I win again#THE BILL-MABEL-FORD PARALELLE BUBBLE MIGHT NEED ITS OWN POST BC I HAVE THOUGHTS
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#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#ryu ga gotoku 3#yakuza series#yakuza 3#yoshitaka mine#snap sketches#i was thinking about all the weird mine variants that exist and theres more than i thought there was#i JUST wanted to do suit variants tho none of the extra okinawa and new year rggo cards. and a bare variant#because i can ...... also cause i needed to exercise the knowledge that his plushie's undies are white SOMEHOW#funny enough the only time i like properly assembled mines colors was on my kirin mine sheet so yay for a semiproper color sheet#anyway. the grey suit's inspo'd from the date scene in y3- that shot with him and kanda#i chose a brown tie to act as an in-between transition from blue tie to gold tie#the rggo cards are forever funny to me but while i was drawing these i remembered that for some reason#with the newest card mine's sleeve is. white ???????? its white .#i only realized this after posting these to twitter so if you saw this there first and are like 'girl his sleeve changed color'#Thats Why <- literally no one is thinking that#ok i have nothing else to say probably im gonna eat one more bowl of pasta then go to bed#i keep mentioning kirin mine so maybe ill doodle one of my things with that tomorrow ..#if not i have stuff i wanna draw tomorrow so if im not tired after grocery shopping Theres That To Look To#ok bye its pasta time <- has decided to make pasta my personality for june#oh my god wait its june now jesus christ. yeah happy pride month ive finally drawn mine again#ok bye bye pasta's calling my name
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so i'm about to dive into college basketball in addition to pwhl in addition to wnbl [sydney only] in addition to nwsl playoffs bc my brain needs to be fed constantly
#i was looking at all the conferences in ncaa today after the michican sc game#there's a lot of information there#obviously unrivaled will come as well and tbh probably au#and if i'm really bored in the mornings on weekends i'll turn on wsl#bc what i can't do is see an instagram picture and say off the top of my head the 3 other times someone's worn the same shorts#that is a waste of my energy#what i need is information on new coaches and protected players lists [i know they are private but i want them still]#and to do more with the expansion draft and for unrivaled to announce these players#i hope they aren't waiting “out of respect” for the election that would be rude to me#though i will probably pay a lot of attention to returns tomorrow as that will be something interesting#and i'm behind in my reading challenge so i should probably do that instead of speculate on sports#also part of the cbb is keeping my eyes peeled for merc draft prospects#given that we have 2 picks and nothing that early#but i think we can get a steal#again draft needs really depend on certain circumstances ...
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they're trying to strap me down to a table and wheel me away for being insane but i get my hands free and grab you by the shoulders and shake you and say BAKUGOU GETS HORNY ABOUT THE SIMPLEST THINGS DO YOU GET IT !!!!!! DO YOU GET IT !!!!!! YOU KISS HIS CHEEKS AND LAUGH AT HIS BAD JOKES AND TELL HIM HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND AND HE GETS SO EMBARRASSINGLY TURNED ON AND HE DOESN’T KNOW WHY DO YOU GET IT !!!!!!!!
#he doesn’t know how to handle his emotions in any way other than physical#he can't tell you with his words !!!!!! so he just has to show you !!!!!!!#he just has to do the love to you !!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU GET IT !!!!!!!!#you're sitting on the couch watching a movie and you're fiddling with your engagement ring and you turn it around and take it off#put it on his pinky and then smile at him all cute before putting it back on#and it's just NOTHING it's just your inability to SIT STILL but he's LIKE OH MY GOD I'M IN LOVE I'M A SAP I'M A SICKO#I'M TAKING YOU ON THIS COUCH RIGHT NOW I CAN'T WAIT#akfnrieejqkoq DO YOU GET IT !!!!!!#— and then i'm wheeled away and you can only faintly hear me screaming at you#i am never seen again#× bakugou ×
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15.06.2024 - 25.06.2024 — summer break: relaxing
the aesthetics of the first month of summer? kind of. nothing to do with studying, 'cause i took 10 days just to relax. walked a lot with my little old camera (digital detox was much needed), read a lot of fiction (maxton hall trilogy & muse of nightmares & a crane among wolves), watched the first season of haikyuu!!! (love it!) and just breathed some fresh air
in the latest news:
i'm now officially working as researcher for a university project, signed a contract a few days ago
i was offered to write a section for a monograph in my spare time during the summer break and i agreed, the topic is set and i'm starting the primary research now :)
today i'm doing some planning for the next weeks, i think it's gonna be really fun and i have a lot to do before the semester starts in august (and not much time haha)
#it's been 2 weeks and i still don't know the results of the english exam and it's getting annoying#but whatever i guess#there's nothing i can do but wait (again)#chaotic academia#studyblr#study blog#books and reading#study space#studying#my stuff#study aesthetic#reading#student#summer break#college student#student life#marketing student#study#study day#studyspo#study motivation#study with me#green academia
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me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game
#hi everyone#I’m going around hugging you all#okay now that we are gathered here today#i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best#i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time#and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol#but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine#literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything#I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake….#I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour#then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it#and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again#I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do#so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour.#I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday#y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts#I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story#I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my#own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing?#y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents#.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire#but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself#I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump#I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions#I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well#I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day.#but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it#I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing#I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!!#I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time
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[ 😇 ] — doodle dump from priv
just some smaller things while I have fun w friends and find my groove again :]
Commission Info | Ko-Fi | My Links
#sometimes you just need a private space to make self-indulgent doodles and be silly w people you care abt#I have a lot of ideas I want to work on! especially for some priv exclusive pieces again >:3c#but alas only so much time and energy so we're just taking it easy ya'know#creating what I can when I can and making sure I'm having fun while doing it#I was in a good mood tho and every now and again I like bringing over a few priv doodles I'm fond of nothing major :]#also sorry but y'all are only getting crops of the drummer boy ones lmao they're small but priv exclusive#I can't wait to work on what all I have in store tho 😈#my art#fallout#fallout 4#fo4#nick valentine#nick valentine fallout 4#nick valentine fo4#deacon#deacon fallout 4#deacon fo4#drummer boy#sole survivor#edit: this has been sitting in my drafts and the depression has hit me like a ton of bricks so time to slam that post button babyyyyyy
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Well, on the upside, Veilguard’s absolutely horrid writing and utter lack of meaningful roleplay mechanics made me appreciate Inquisition’s already watered-down writing and roleplay mechanics.
#Emmrich’s pretty much the only decent companion but my god.#This game feels like a daycare simulator.#No option but to be nice to and validate everyone even when they’re being objectively awful themselves (looking at Taash in particular)#The stakes should feel high but instead I just feel like I’m babysitting toddlers#And normally I’m a completionist who loves doing all the quests but the game actively forces you into it#You HAVE to recruit all the companions; you HAVE to baby and validate them all; you HAVE to complete all their quests#No option to even mention the supposed Dire Stakes of the universe.#The game treats you like you’re seven and over-explains everything to you. The maps are terrible even if they look good.#The voice acting for a few companions is… questionable.#For a game we waited ten years for it feels like someone’s rough/unfinished first draft.#And again no truly meaningful roleplay choices or actions.#The game just forces you to be nice to everyone. Rook feels like an inveterate spectator and an invertebrate to boot. Utterly spineless.#Every time we see a returning companion I feel like Hadvar: ‘Who… are you?’#Because they act nothing like their previously established personalities & it’s like Veilguard goes out of its way to ignore previous games#The head writer’s self-insert is painfully obvious and atrociously-written in particular#You can only be a Good Nice Guy#Maybe sometimes a Stern Nice Guy and very occasionally a Nice Guy Who Thinks He’s Funny But Isn’t#Just! My god.#I want to return the game. For the first time ever in my life.#So disappointed.#text#chey.txt
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rehyperfixating on a children’s game that came out in 2015, is one of the least popular entries in its series, and has minimal content, the vast majority of which i’ve seen before. the series has been dead for nearly 10 years, nothing has happened recently that would warrant anyone’s returning interest in it, very few of my friends give a shit about this specific game, and those few who played and liked it in the past have no reason to give a shit about it at all right now. i have been coasting through on a playthrough i’ve been doing with a friend who’d never seen the game before and who was kind enough to let me show it to them, but we just beat the game, and after we play the epilogue we will have nothing left to do, and on top of that they really have just been humoring me as they have their own very strong current hyperfixation they would much rather be thinking about. also i am depressed enough right now that literally nothing else except for waiting to play this game with them and playing this game with them and watching them enjoy it at least a little has been able to briefly quiet the constant cacophony in my head screaming how much of a worthless, lazy, constantly-failing miserable excuse for a living person i am and how much better everything would be, especially for myself, if i stopped existing lately. would anyone like to volunteer to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ because i would really like for someone to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ right now
#me.txt#delete ltr#and i like hearing my friends talk about and show me their interests but it isnt enoughhhh its not enough right now to make my head SHUT UP#right now the only thing that can give me energy is a hyperfixation like this#but with enough content and engagement from others to keep subsisting me without hitting a wall#SOMETHING THAT IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO DO WHEN YOU CANNOT DRAW OR WRITE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#BECAUSE WHEN NOBODY IS MAKING ANYTHING!!!!! AND YOU CANT MAKE ANYTHING FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!!! ALL YOU CAN DO IS CURL UP AND STARVE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼#immmm so sick of the only thing that makes being alive feel worth it being hyperfixations theres nothing REAL tying me down i cant stand it#because i am!! too broken!!!! to ever achieve any of the things that WOULD give me a real solid tangible reason to keep living!!!!!!#like a stable job!!!! a place of my own!!! a partner whos dedicated to me above everyone else and me to them in return!!!!!!!#a LIFE that isnt just constantly failing over and over and waiting for the shoe to drop and to lose everything all over again!!!!!!!!!!!!#i dont have that!!! and i cant have that!!!!! because im too broken to be able to cultivate and maintain it!!!!!#and the only way. to fix myself enough to be able to do so.#would be to HAVE ENOUGH STABILITY THAT ID HAVE THE TIME AND ENERGY TO PUT INTO FIXING MYSELF AND HEALING#i cant fix myself without stability and freedom. and i cant get stability and freedom unless i’m fixed#so it is. literally impossible!!!!!!!#impossible to create my own concrete solid reason to be here.#impossible for me to even create anything to feed the fixations that are my backup reasons.#theres nothing!! nothing!!! i have nothing new to leap to and ive been dwindling for too long and i think i am about to drown#im just waiting for time to tick out. for me to fuck up too badly to come back from one last time and get found out and punished.#and then? theres nothing left. theres literally nothing else left for me
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LET'S FUCKING GO!!!!
#I KNEW WE WOULD SEE YUUJI FIGHTING SUKUNA IM SO EXCITED#higuruma looks so cool this is gonna be such an iconic fight yuuji and his duos are always top tier#I CAN'T WAIT#also yuuji's hand?!!!!#annihilate that motherfucker son you can do it i believe in you#i honestly love the themes that jjk has been focusing on#jjk is about love and curses and how love can be a curse but how it's worth it and yet sukuna is the perfect antagonist for that story#for sukuna love is worth nothing#and it's so so so fun that he's getting fought by the most loving boy ever who is stronger with others than alone#like!!!!!#yuuji and yuuta as jjk protagonists being the perfect representation of stronger together is so cool#and it's cool that one is 'just a boy' and the other is one of the strongest yet the conclusion is the same#watch yuuji save the day not because he is the strongest but because he has people to rely on#and by save the day i hope that means bringing megumi back#it would also be funny if sukuna got immediately nerfed into a skinny boys body again right after he transformed#and i'm here for the laughs i hope he gets humiliated and dragged across the floor#get raid sprayed!!!!#manifesting everything well for best boy yuuji if sukuna hurts him i'm taking matters into my own hands#jjk leaks
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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The disrespect this show gets on a daily basis, from the production to the network(s) to even the pirates who prefer to rip shows like *checks notes* Big Brother Canada (same group)...
I wouldn't be calling them out if I hadn't done this myself, by the way. People who have never ripped a damn thing can stay in their lane. I have earned my stripes, I'm not someone who wants to talk shit about those who do this, and I understand the process involved. The webrips are a different story, as they are uploaded by Amazon whenever. The HDTV rips should be uploaded on time, shortly after the network airs the show, and it's the same process as it always has been to rip them. Uploading HDTV rips after the webrips has no value whatsoever, unless someone cares that much about the promo, which of course CityTV doesn't care enough to upload themselves, proving once again what a shitty network they are.
Hudson and Rex has an international fanbase, it shouldn't be so difficult to be able to watch it as an international fan in 2024.
#hudson and rex#this is now a whining blog#but what else can it be when nothing about this show is working as intended#I've been torrenting since 2005#I've never had the misfortune of having to wait as long as I wait for this show through all these years#last season it took them three days to upload the season five premiere hdtv rip#the rip times are unbelievably inconsistent and they have been that way since this saw first caught my eye (season two)#the fact that there is a single group that does the hdtv rips means that if for whatever reason they can't upload it then we don't have it#the webrips are actually being ripped by one of the best groups out there so I can't complain#it's just that the streaming upload by amazon happens whenever they feel like it#once again I'm drawing similarities between canadian and greek programming which is so not in their favor#(I actually thought that by the time I'd finished writing this we'd have something but nope)#(ps I just saw a rip announce of family feud canada and I just... does someone actually hate hudson and rex?)#(pps do not respond to this if you live in a country where your government is actively combating piracy)
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I posted something to this effect on my other blog, but it's been on my mind and essentially begging me to talk about it again so...
This post is dedicated to the people who might have caused their disability or may have made it worse in some way or another. This post is dedicated to people who haven't done the "right things" in the past, who weren't perfect, who weren't flawless robots.
Regardless of why you're disabled, you still need and, most importantly, deserve any accommodations for said disability. You cannot separate the "good disableds" from the "bad" ones. You are never required to prove that you're "innocent" before people are compassionate about your disability. Do not for a minute be convinced otherwise, for your own sanity.
#disability#disability positivity#ableism#ableism tw#(just for the implication)#maybe i made my hearing worse by listening to loud music. maybe not!#but regardless of *why* i don't always hear something i still deserve the space to go 'hey wait can you say that again...?' or whatever else#anyway the attitude of 'guilty until proven innocent' for disabled people is just another arm of ableism#and if you want to contribute to that by forcing us to prove ourselves then... fine but that's not a good outlook regardless#this is just something i have been thinking about again and again and again#like... part of the reason i made my disabilities worse is because i had access to NOTHING at the time#so my only recourse was to... do (essentially) nothing
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12 full hours later I am finally out of the hospital I feel like I'm gonna fucking fall over
#so tired I'm posting abt my life#I had big dreams abt getting Stuff Done in the waiting room. but the only thing u can do in a waiting room is watch election polls and Wait#and again. nothing wrong with me was providing moral slash other sorts of support#murk posts
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.
and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
I’m just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her#all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed#just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate#of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else#I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days
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#i cant fucking wait to get this over with for good#it kills me to have to look in the mirror and see someone else and know ill never see myself because i cant be myself alone.#i hate that i have to scream and write stupid silly shit to get even a modicum of attention and have even that just be a like on a screen.#im not me anymore ive devolved into nothing and i have no one to help me become real again. sorry i csnt do it alone bc isolation isnt-#-conducive to healing esp for this long#no one will care but thats fine. ive known this for a while#i just want to get it over with and never feel this bullshit again. at least ill feel like me for a second before i die. its whatever.#i can try to play pretend until it comes but it wont work. bc its all pretend#god i cant fucking take another day of this detached horror of existence#i fucking *despise* having my only reactions in a whilebe some hug emoji by a stranger on a serious post. im fucking pathetic. that's why i#gone#gone gone gone. gone.#and i still have to wait for release to be mine. idk how long i can.
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