#there's been a lot of fucking IRL shit going on

[wayward40k]

[[ Dossier portraits: updated. All art by the lovely @rowscara! ]]

[poems-of-the-anentomologist]

suffocating 

I’m doing the dishes again

Staring into the water

At that boy

How can I call myself a girl when the face that stares back

Is just another random boy

You’d see playing on a subrban corner

My name isn’t my name

People don’t call me by my name

I’ve been cut off

From everyone

If I died tonight

Nobody would notice

Just another kid

Just another teen suicide

It’s better than the alternative

To suffocate in this form

Would be preferable

To living in a world where nobody sees me

It’s better than the alternative

[aibouart]

admittedly, i am afraid to talk about this, but have wanted to for a long while. i don't see a lot of people discuss this kind of thing, but i decided to do so for the me who was struggling and didn't know. also i have no idea where i am going with this and it's very late for me rn so here's a whole ass ramble on vent art. and also a bit more on how it's impacting how i view my art, now. i am terribly sorry if it's not very cohesive, my thoughts on it aren't yet cohesive either WOOPS

i wanted to talk a bit about how vent art really impacted my mental health, and how the idea that art needs some kind of meaning to have meaning really has been weighing on me lately (i know this is a concept i am assigning to my work and is not actually the norm/standard expectation of others consuming art. but it IS a sentiment i have seen enough that does impact me).

i want to specify, obviously i am not saying vent art is bad.

nor that doing vent pieces, or vent blogs, will ultimately result in what i went through for a number of years. rather, that this did happen to me, and there is a near impossible chance i am a unique case in any experience i will ever have. if you do vent art and it helps you, that's good! im not judging anyone for anything here. if your experience does not match my own, that's what it's like to be human~. i am not invalidating anyone on purpose by sharing my own experience. sorry for the insane disclaimer but it will eat me alive if i go to sleep thinking "what if they think x cuz i didn't say y and think im a terrible person"

---

i used to do vent art frequently (you won't find much on here as it was uploaded to a personal at the time). anytime i felt down or had a line of dialogue in my head making me feel bad in a way, i would draw for it. but the way i had interacted with it was really unhealthy. it became a terrible feedback loop where i'd feel bad, draw how i felt bad, look at the art, and ruminate even more on how i felt bad, until it spiralled so out of control i would lose touch with reality and get lost entirely in feeling like garbage.

i would just get so lost in the cycle with vent art that it would make my mental space worse and worse, and i would use the vent art as a negative confirmation bias. the words that hurt me i wrote down and anytime i looked again, they would hurt me again. but i would keep looking, and i would keep drawing.

i have always used art as an outlet, but for some reason the way vent art impacted me was unhealthy. it wasn't a good outlet. and it took me years to cut ties with it. i relied on vent art for a long time, but it took a lot of introspection and thinking to realise it wasn't the release i thought it was. and it was hard to let go, too.

i haven't touched the blog in a few months, now. i haven't done much vent art at all since then and genuinely, i've been doing SOOO much better. i no longer ruminate nearly as much as i had done so, i no longer get caught in a feedback loop that lasts for days to weeks. i still feel like garbage like people tend to do, but i don't put myself in a cycle over it anymore. i have gone back to it a few times in moments of desperation, but what used to be every week/every few weeks is now once a month maybe. and not to the extent at all (i would oftentimes post ~20 images in one night, before).

but i keep thinking about how, while the way i had done vent art was bad for my mental health, i keep feeling that just because i do sparkly cute and happy drawings, now, or drawings with no real meaning, that my art has nothing beyond face value... i do like a lot of my vent art. i think their compositions, or hidden messages and meanings, or colour use, was interesting.

but it wasn't worth the price for me.

so i am a bit caught in an in-between, here. my favourite form of art is the expression of love-you liked something so much, you dedicated time to draw it. and yet i cannot ascribe that to my own work very often. i think that man i wish i could make art with some kind of deeper meaning, that speaks to people, that's more than just pretty colours or shiny shading or a character everyone likes, or a character i like. but i just... don't know if it's for me.

ultimately, i could develop a healthy relationship with expressing and exploring negative emotions or experiences through art, but... do i want to? do i have to? do i need to? is it not enough to just draw something because... i like it..?

of course, the answer is yes, draw what you want, draw how you want, it's your art. but i am still trying to come to terms with that idea. i dont want to be seen as some shallow artist who just draws what's cute and pretty because they can and it's all they can think of, but like what if that's just what i like to draw??

in the end, that alone is good enough, drawing because you like to, because it's fun, because you like the thing you're dedicating time to creating for. it's just hard to grapple with after discarding a type of art that i felt was the only way i drew "for real".

anyways i am sorry this is soooo fucking long, and for all the clarifications (IM STILL NOT SAYING VENT ART BAD AND EVERYONE WILL DO WHAT I DID!! Dx) and the fact i had no real point here (probably)

anyways i will continue to draw what i want because i like to, as i have always been.

[courtillyy]

im sorry chilled is another mcc ????? why tf am i just finding this out now. im going to lose my actual shit. god bless the gods who decided to make it easy to accidentally sign up. god Bless them

[danzainosolitude]

Once again I read fanfiction that seems to have been precisely written to deal psychic damage to me.

[deerest-deer]

thinking really hard about logging into my old tumblr acc after being gone for like a year and a half cause i stumbled upon a post that led me to my old mutuals and i teared up a lil </3 but also i feel so ashamed i left without saying a word to anyone aaaa

[pearlpool]

MAN! AHH!

[calamitydaze]

long tag ramble below u have been warned

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[cowboy-robooty]

i dont got a gaurdian angel or devil on my shoulder but i do imagine grandad (robert freeman) from the boondocks reacting to everything around me

[pup-pee]

my father telling me how scared he was when i ran away from the house but i cant express how scared i was 2 b in the house

hey, whats up w/that?

[psikind]

hey so. childhood friend of mine commited suicide late july and his dad’s trying to fund the money for his funeral service - if people have the money to donate please do the service is in 3 days (august 5th) and he’s very close to the goal but otherwise it’d mean a lot if people spread the link around -> https://gofund.me/f04d9bf0

[piplupod]

mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset

[lynxalon]

ive set a monday alarm to go to the doctor because im so fucking depressed i cant imagine anything worthwhile about tomorrow so. wish me luck babes im gonna try really hard to go at all, for a referral to a new psyche+maybe therapist i desperately need meds

[sundial-girl]

Hi! Would you like to explain how my portrayal of vsynths contrasts with Heron? I personally can’t figure out what makes it so interesting, since when I make Heron interact with other vsynths I rarely have a good idea of how they’ll work in mind, and just wing it.

hihi! i'd been meaning to get to this, so sure thing! for now i'll only focus on a few main ones that came to mind (i don't have a lot of brainpower atm 😔✌️) but i hope this is alright

mild disclaimer that some of this is based off information in older posts so i am aware that those prior details contained in them may no longer be canon. also again this just how i thought of/interpreted certain things, i'm obv not the og creator (you) so ultimately feel free to take this w/ a grain of salt since this might've not been the og intention.

also this is all under this cut here b/c it ended up being rly fckin long, sorry in advance if my explanations aren't very good 😭

so lets start w/ fukase; some of his character traits in your portrayal of him do seem to line up with some popular interpretations of him: silly guy/wisecracker who makes a lot of jokes, sometimes at the expense of others. also a he's a bit overdramatic ahdksjg. despite his sorta skewed goals, though, and behind that sassy attitude, he does really seem to care about people important to him. they're both very expressive characters (well in general everyone is depicted as very expressive in your art but thats an aside) but i think the way that is conveyed makes for an interesting contrast. fukase seems to show a lot more of his personality through his speech, while heron's personality is shown more through some of his actions. that's not to say heron is completely silent, but he does seem to save his words for more important occasions (or if he just really really feels like speaking his mind); whether that's because he's still a bit shy and/or just a quiet person in general, i'm not sure, but a lot more things with him seem to be conveyed through thoughts or external third-person commentary rather than him outright saying it. its definitely the opposite of fukase, who seems way more chatty and social. visually too there's a pretty neat contrast between them: aside from the height difference that sets them apart, both have limited color palettes that combine some neutral colors (fukase's off-white, black, and brown, heron's greys, muted teal, and tans) with a brighter color to pop out (fukase's bright red, heron's aqua seen on his collar + headphones).

flower and heron's relationship has previously been described as somewhat sibling-like, and it does definitely come off that way: there might be disagreements and rivalry but there's some calm nice/silly moments and genuine care & concern. they share a lot of similarities, but one could note how their relationship parallels that of heron & makarov's - flower occasionally takes on the more cheery and bubbly role in comparison to heron sometimes being the more serious and quiet one, which is seen reversed with the brothers. in spite of quarreling over small, petty little things sometimes, heron and flower seem to make up much easier and not hold any long-lasting resentment towards each other. i ofc know the heron & makarov situation is more complicated and it would make sense for it to be more strained given all that's happened, even in spite of heron forgiving his brother. but i do also wonder if it's been difficult for flower to try and calm heron down on certain occasions, seeing how he's also prone to spirals of his own thoughts that are hard to pull him out of, in a way very similar to his own brother. something sorta ironic there maybe

piko's interesting, pretty much the wild card here. his characterization does seem to vary quite a bit: he can be very playful and cutesy but also kind of a downer, as well as an angry little guy and a bit more ominous/spooky at times. there was a noteworthy point mentioned in this post though regarding how piko sees heron: heron reminds him of his younger self and wants to spare him of the pain that comes with getting your naive dreams of fame and popularity crushed. they're both very similar to each other, from the moodiness to being drawn—sometimes together—in a lot of pieces w/ similar subject matter (both have a fair share of lighthearted doodles as well as darker ones, more so in specific comparison with other characters), and taking the previously mentioned piko thoughts on heron, makes things a little bit sadder... maybe piko's current passive-aggressive and somewhat angry attitude is a mask he's developed over the years to protect himself from getting hurt more, though you can get to his nicer side if he trusts you enough. heron sometimes seems like a slight, cruel opposite of this: being nice and trusting others a bit too easily, but then breaking down emotionally in realizing his choices and impulsive actions, which might scare some people away. i want them to be happy kajhskj but i do wonder if, in spite of how much heron might look up to him, piko really feels the same way. i'm sure he does care about him, but... feelings is complicated. also i wasn't gonna touch on too much of this since i'm aware its not canon, but there's also the whole tall piko thing and how that version of piko specifically interacts with heron. that relationship in particular seems to represent an idealization: some sort of true happiness that'll come once there's an acceptance of the self, and a real willingness to accept help and be vulnerable to allow oneself to be healed... but again that's not canon and might not ever happen so, rip

and of course... there's len. i touched upon this in that original headcanon post but i did still wanna bring it up a little here. something i thought was interesting in looking back at a lot of your art was that most times, len is depicted in group settings; he's rarely seen alone and almost always interacting with someone else in some way. and generally he seems quite concerned, even more so in his interactions w/ heron. aside from the obvious fear of getting mauled to death probably lmao, he also seems to genuinely care about heron and worries about him. i think its worth noting that len is the first person heron sees after "waking up" here, and how he's the only one actually putting a hand on heron there in second-to-last panel. but again, even if len does have good intentions it is clear heron doesn't seem to be on the best terms with him. this piece has always been particularly intriguing to me, pairing what we see happening with the title. makes me think heron's blaming len for what happened to him, that it's len's fault somehow he ended up like this. a big thing also that's part of the len getting mauled thing is... len getting dismembered and eaten. i'm not gonna say too too much b/c i'm sure nobody wants to hear my cannibalism rambling but symbolically... "you are what you eat" yk? as mentioned with piko, heron seems to look up to a lot of the well-known vsynths and wants to achieve a status like them. and ofc len's arguably one of the most popular vocaloids with lot of fame and recognition. heron's design itself is said to take some inspo from len's outfit, and in general (like i mentioned in the original hc post), just wanting to be so much like someone, wanting what they have but not getting it, that might understandably drive someone to rage, and the mauling/dismembering/eating is the violent culmination of those feelings of envy. one last bonus point in terms of visuals too: yellow is the complimentary color to blue (ok ik heron's blues lean more towards blue-grey or aqua but shhhh), the literal opposite of it on the color wheel.

overall i feel heron honestly fits right in with the memesquad; everyone's personalities sort of compliment and mesh well with each other, which creates a fun dynamic that's really sweet to see. i think its really cool how you managed to make him fit in so well and how a lot of his interactions with the others make a lot of sense and are interesting to see, in happy moments as well as more serious/sad ones. sometimes i do really forget he's not a vsynth [yet?] so its surreal. ur doing a really good job tho, keep heronposting we love to see it

[irascible-iridescent]

Kinda depressed lately ngl.