#there was a lot of lies being called out this asides and roman said to speak from the heart in the bathroom

[noblest-roman-of-them-all]

What the Cat Dragged In

Being a parent is hard. Sometimes kids ask hard questions and sometimes parents panic and tell absurd lies that ultimately lead to their kids punching someone at school for calling them stupid after jumping to a decently reasonable conclusion based on said lie. Logan is at least there to support Janus through the ordeal and help clear things up a little for Virgil.

"Hello, Roman," Logan answered the phone, already weary to see the call coming from Roman's personal number instead of the school's.

"Heeeyyyy."

"What happened?"

"Virgil's fine," Roman replied with enough forced casualness to make Logan pinch the bridge of his nose. "Everything's been taken care of, it's all been settled, absolutely nothing to worry about, but, um. Well, he sort of punched someone today. Um. While I was getting the kids started on their projects."

Logan blinked. "I-I'm sorry. What happened?"

"Um. Virgil punched another student," Roman said again. "I mean, between you and me, I think he had it coming because he's been a, uh, bit of bully to literally everyone here, and I do mean everyone-"

Logan sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Roman-"

"No, it's okay, he didn't, like, draw blood or anything, the principal already called the other kid's parents, no fire there, everything is totally fine in that area, um, Virgil was pretty upset at first-"

"Obviously, he punched someone," Logan rolled his eyes. "Do you know why?"

"Uh, yes. So I was giving the kids back their trinket dishes we've been working on so they could check them over, make sure they didn't want to change anything and one of the kids saw that Virgil's had 'Artemis' written in it and he asked about it, then Virgil told him it was a gift for her. The other kid then told him that Artemis and all the other gods weren't real and called him and you and Janus stupid. And said that you lied to him, so Virgil punched him."

Logan sighed. "Okay, well, I just got off and I'm coming to pick him up now. Is he okay?"

"Oh yeah," Roman assured. "We went to one of the Calm Spaces talked for a little while once he felt ready to do that, um. Frankly, I didn't understand it all, um... Apparently the dish is because he wants to ask Artemis for a brother? Which...I-I don't know. But just so you have that heads up because, like, I don't know...what all he knows, um. But I guess he think he was brought to you by cats? Which I thought was Freyja's thing, but he swears it's Artemis's. But, you know. There's that."

Logan groaned and massaged his forehead. "Well, thank you for taking care of him. And for giving me a heads up. I'll be there soon."

"Drive safe!" Roman chirped.

Logan hung up and for a moment sat in the car rubbing his forehead and trying to recall if Virgil had mentioned anything specifically about Artemis recently that might have caused all of this. He sighed as he turned the car on and began pulling out of the parking lot; while he'd often spoken to Virgil about the existence of the gods, he'd never once brought up that Virgil needed to do anything about it. He was only six, after all. And really what he shared was simply because of Virgil's curiosity and his not hiding his beliefs from him.

Sure, Logan has his own little alter in the apartment where he placed offerings and whatnot, but aside from Virgil asking if he could give dandelions to whichever deity he happened to remember the name of that day, he'd never brought up the idea to him.

He shook his head as his hand drifted to the necklace tucked into his shirt and briefly closed around the snake pendant there, half wondering if this was Loki's idea on getting him to learn to embrace chaos.

---

"Hey, munchkin," Roman crouched beside Virgil. "Dad's on his way now. Are you sure you don't want me to put your dish up somewhere safe?"

Virgil shook his head and continued to hold the packed trinket dish to his chest with one arm while he munched on his apple slices with the other. "No thanks."

Roman nodded. "Alright. The rest of the kids are going to move to the library after this for games and reading. Do you want to go with them or hang out with me till Dad gets here?"

Virgil paused. "I think I wanna stay with you today."

"That's totally okay," Roman assured and ruffled Virgil's hair. "I'm going to finish wrapping up everyone's dishes, okay?" He slid onto the bench across from Virgil and set to work.

"Uncle Roman?"

"Yeah, stormcloud?" Roman half glanced up from the dish he was folding up in newspaper.

"Do babies really not come from cats?"

Roman let out a breath. "Uh, well, honestly...babies come to their parents in a lot of different ways. And sometimes people aren't even babies when they meet the family that's going to raise them."

"Really?" Virgil questioned, clearly surprised.

"Well, sure," Roman shrugged. "Batman adopted Robin when he was eight years old. That's two whole years older than you are now!"

"I know Bruce Wayne is Batman, Uncle Roman," Virgil rolled his eyes.

"You're right. Bruce Wayne adopted Dick Grayson when he was eight years old," Roman snickered. He double checked the name carved into the bottom of the dish before taping it off and writing the name on the paper while Virgil munched thoughtfully on his apples.

"Uncle Roman?"

"Yes, Virgil?"

"You have a mom, right?"

"Yeah, buddy. Your dad is my brother so we have the same mom, remember?"

Virgil squinted at the wall. "And Bobby has a mom."

Roman froze, hand mid air as he reached for another dish, dreading where the conversation was going. "Yeah, that's right."

"And moms are where babies come from."

"...More or less," Roman agreed, willing Logan to come pick up his kid and put him out of his misery already. "Usually, yeah. Something like that."

Virgil nodded, apparently pleased with this confirmation. "I thought so," he said and took a bite from his last apple slice.

Roman blinked. "Is that...it?"

"Mh-mn," Virgil nodded.

"O-okay. Um. Glad I could clear that up for you."

---

"Hey, gremlin, your dad is here," Roman announced.

Virgil glanced up from his color page and squinted at Roman. "You told him not get me in trouble on the phone, right?"

Roman snickered. "Yes, I told him that everything was taken care of and not to worry about that, and you know not to punch people anymore, right?"

"Yeah," Virgil sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Okay, let's head up front to meet your dad."

---

"Hey, sunshine," Logan greeted his child, who came barreling into him, and kissed the top of his head. "You okay?"

"Uh-huh. Uncle Roman helped me feel better."

"I'm glad he was there to help you. Do you have all your stuff?"

"Uh-huh. Can Uncle Roman come home with us? I wanna show him where my stuff dish for Artemis is gonna go."

"I know you're excited about that, but I don't think Uncle Roman is done working yet."

"But school is all done and he's a teacher," Virgil objected.

"You're right, school is over now. But you stayed after school for a little while, right? Well, teachers usually have to stay even more after school to make sure everything is ready for the next day," Logan explained.

"That's boring and tired," Virgil announced.

"You're right, it is," Roman agreed and ruffled Virgil's hair. "I'll come over later and see it. Besides you still have your bobby to share it with, remember?"

"Oh yeah! We gotta go, Daddy! Bye, Uncle Roman!"

"I'll see you tomorrow, Virge." Roman clapped Logan on the shoulder. "Good luck."

---

Logan hoisted Virgil onto his hip in front of the long shelf that functioned as his covert alter and Virgil gently set down the trinket dish.

"What do you think? Do you like it there?"

Virgil nodded. "Do you think Lady Artemis will like it too?"

"Y'know, sweetheart, I have found that when we give gifts thoughtfully and sincerely, that makes the gods happier than anything. I'm sure she'll love it." He kissed Virgil's cheek and set him on the ground again. "Is it okay if I ask what made you want to give her a gift specifically?"

"Well, you told me that she likes cats and they're her hunting helpers and Bobby said that cats brought me here and I thought that maybe they were her hunter helpers that found me as a baby and brought me here cause you said she likes babies too and tries to help them too. So I wanted to make her a special gift so maybe next time she found a baby her hunter cats could bring him here too and I could have a brother. Like a trade."

Logan blinked. "Bobby said what?"

"He said that cats brought me here and that's why people say 'look what the cat dragged in' cause cats dragged me in and it was so surprising that people started saying it about other people too."

"Oookay..." Logan rubbed his face, briefly pushing his glasses up onto his forehead. He let out a breath and readjusted the frames. "I see why Uncle Roman was confused now. Um. I...will let you know when Bobby comes home so you can show him your dish, because I know that's very important to you. Um. But for now....I- You can play in your room for a little while and after you show Bobby your dish and tell him how special it is we can work on your homework. Sound good?"

Virgil squinted up at his dad. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. But I probably will talk to Bobby for a little while first because, um, I'm also confused about something and I think he can help me be...less confused. I hope. Um." He rubbed his forehead. "Yeah, I- Hoo... I have so many questions for your bobby. But I will absolutely make sure that you get to talk to him. Okay?"

Virgil continued to squint suspiciously, but nodded. "Okay, if you say so."

---

"Hey, Janus-"

"Oh hey, babe!" Janus smiled brightly to be greeted at the door by his husband and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Hi," Logan smiled patiently. "I- I love you, I do. I love you so much and I recognize that you just got home and, um, you work in a pharmacy and that- that's a customer service job and I get that, but I-I need to ask you something."

Janus frowned. "Yeah, what's wrong?"

"Did you tell Virgil he was delivered to us by cats?"

Janus's eyes went wide. "Ah." He scratched behind one ear. "I...may have said something similar. Yeah. Why?"

"I'm going to show you something and in a few minutes when I bring Virgil in you are going to pretend not to have seen this." He carefully pulled the dish from the shelf and held it up, pointing at the name carved into the center. "This is a trinket dish Virgil made in after school. He made it for Lady Artemis as an offering so her cats, which he assumed brought him here because of what you told him, would bring him a brother."

"Whoops."

"Cats, Janus?" Logan demanded and replaced the dish. "Couldn't you have at least gone with something traditional like storks?"

"Would that actually be less upsetting to you?"

"I don't know at this point, honestly. All I know is that Virgil punched a kid today because he was explaining why he made that for Lady Artemis to Roman and some kid told him she wasn't real and Virgil was stupid and I was lying to him."

"...I don't know how you want me to respond to that." Janus grimaced.

Logan rolled his eyes. "We are not encouraging violence, Janus."

"I'm just saying, I bet the kid's gonna leave him alone now. And I mean, you've said yourself even Aphrodite is a war goddess."

"Janus..." Logan sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"Okay, I'm sorry," he held up his hands. "How can I fix this?"

"We have to tell him the truth," Logan shrugged. "We were always going to have to tell him, I just...wish you hadn't told him something that ridiculous."

"I panicked! And then I kind of assumed he'd forget."

Logan arched a brow. "It's Virgil."

"Yeah, I should have known better," Janus admitted. "I am sorry."

"I know," Logan sighed. "I just- cats? Really?"

"You're not going to let that go, are you?"

"No. I'm not. It's so out of pocket!"

"You're literally a polytheist and there are literally two goddess you've talked about being over similar domains of fertility and childbirth with cats for their sacred animals, I don't think it's that far out there," Janus deadpanned. "I realize that's not a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice."

"You're lucky I love you," Logan grumbled.

Janus snaked his arms around Logan's shoulders. "How lucky?" He asked coyly and stole a kiss.

Logan smiled and slid his arms around Janus's waist, pulling him slightly closer. "You really think you can cute your way out of this?"

"I mean, it's worth a try, right?"

"I don't think it is," Logan shook his head. He kissed Janus again anyway. "We need to figure out how we're going to explain this."

"I mean, he knows what adoption is. Remus took care of that by rewatching Batman the Animated Series with him. We can just use that. He doesn't exactly need to know about the surrogate thing right now, does he?"

"We can't lie to him again, Janus," Logan answered. "That wouldn't be fair to him. What would we tell him later? That we lied about adopting him because it was the easier than explaining the truth when he was lied to?"

"I guess you're right," Janus murmured and pulled his arms back, folding them over his stomach.

Logan sighed and slid his hands up to Janus' biceps. "We don't have to explain your medical history to him, but…I do think we need to tell him the truth about using a surrogate. Better that then having to rehash all this when he's older. He may not appreciate our honesty now, but he will when he's older."

Janus nodded and rubbed his face. "You're right. I know you're I just…"

"It hurts," Logan filled in. "I know. It's okay if you don't feel up to being in on the conversation-"

"No. No, I was the one who lied to him, I should be the one to talk to him."

Logan gently took Janus by the face and kissed his forehead. "I'll be with you the whole time."

—

Janus knocked on the door frame to Virgil room. "Hey, sweetheart, Daddy said you had something you wanted to show me."

"Bobby!" Virgil popped up from his pile of legos and ran with open arms to his bobby.

Janus smiled and scooped him up, kissing his cheek. "Hello, little love. Did you have a good day at school?"

"Well, I did during school time. After school time I got in trouble for hitting," Virgil admitted.

Janus held back a snicker. "I appreciate your honesty. Daddy let my know one the other students had said some pretty mean things to you."

"Yeah. It made the angry feeling too big and it came out my arm."

"The angry feelings tend to do that," Janus nodded sagely.

"Yeah, they almost came out of my mouth too cause I wanted to call him mean names back, but instead it came out of my eyes and made me cry."

"I want to call people mean names when they hurt my feelings too. I'm proud of you for not doing that. It can be really hard to do."

"Yeah," Virgil sighed heavily, sound far too world weary for his six years. "Specially when the mean names are true."

This time Janus did snort. "Honey-"

"It's true!" Virgil objected.

"I know, sweetie. I didn't mean to laugh, I'm sorry. Would you like to show me what you made now?"

"Yeah!" Virgil quickly squirmed out of Janus’s arms and dragged him by the hand to the little altar. "It's up there!" He pointed then held up his arms. "Can you help me reach?"

Janus snickered and picked him up again, standing close to the shelf for Virgil to reach. Once he'd pulled the little dish from its place Janus carried Virgil to the couch and sat with the boy on his lap next to Logan. "Alright, tell me aaaalll about it."

"It's a stuff dish. We made them out of clay that didn't need to be cooked cause the school doesn't have a clay oven thing. I painted mine so it looks like stars for Artemis so her could maybe bring me a brother with her hunter cats. That's why her name is on the inside so she knows it's for her. Does that make sense? Daddy and Uncle Roman said they were confused when I told them."

"You know, sweetie, I think it's my fault they got confused," Janus told him.

Virgil's little face scrunched in confused. "You didn't even tell them things."

"No, but I told you something. Remember when you asked where you came from and I told you cats dragged you here?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well…that…wasn't really true. It wasn't fair of me to lie to you and I am very sorry I did, Virgil. I wasn't expecting you to ask about how you came to us and I panicked a little."

"But how did you find me then?" Virgil asked curiously, apparently unbothered by Janus's admission.

Logan squeezed Janus’s hand.

"Your Aunt Minerva helped," Janus told him. "You remember when your cousin Emile was born and Aunt Minerva's tummy grew and Daddy explained that babies grow inside some people till they're ready to be born? Well, Daddy and I can't really do that. So we went to the doctor's and they took some special cells from me and Daddy and made sure they were safe in Aunt Minerva's body and then when you were ready to be born we all went to the hospital together and you came home to live with us."

"Ohhh. Does that mean hers is my mommy and my auntie?"

"There is a special word for when someone helps a couple have a baby called a surrogate mother," Logan explained. "But she's not exactly your mommy."

"So it wasn't hunter cats?"

"No, sweetheart."

"Oh. Does that mean Artemis isn't my mommy either?"

Logan blinked in confusion. "What?"

"Uncle Roman says babies come from moms and if I didn't really come from Lady Artemis with her hunter cats that makes her not my mommy."

"Not-" Logan sighed. "She didn't literally send you to us with her cats, but I do believe she heard me praying for a baby and maybe she helped make sure that you grew safely and were born safely. She may not be your mom in a literal sense, but it's okay if you think of her like a mom."

Virgil nodded sagely. "I like that idea. Do you think she could send me a brother the regular way still?"

"I think that's probably something your bobby and I need to talk about first. We want to make sure we can take care of you and any other kids we might have. It doesn't usually happen really fast. I don't want you to think that just because you don't get a brother right away that that means Lady Artemis didn't like your gift, alright? I'm sure she likes it very much, this type of thing just takes a long time."

Virgil nodded. "That makes sense," he said seriously. "It took a long time for Emi to be borned. Do you think she could send me a hunter cat instead? Or maybe just a regular cat?"

Logan coughed a little to hide his laughed. "It never hurts to ask."

"I'm gonna go draw picture of the hunter cats so I can ask for one," Virgil decided and squiggled off of Janus’s lap then scampered off.

"I'm incredibly proud of you," Logan said once they were alone, squeezing both of Janus’s hands tightly.

Janus mustered up a smile for him. "Thanks."

"Are you okay?"

Janus let out a shaky breath and nodded. "I will be."

[mimiri22-6]

SANDERS ASIDES #2 GAY OR NAY!!! I’M FINALY DOING ONE OF THESE FOR TOMATHY!

(This is my third time watching the video, it’s really good)

These old man jokes are actually really funny to me for some reason

...Why is Virgl just me? Doing one thing and them immediately regretting doing that thing

‘Liar. Liar. Liar! Liar!! LIAR!!” Guys, your gonna start summoning Janus(not that I would m-)

I’m not even going to try and hear wtf Roman just said. like, I understand Shakespeare, but do not ask me what words mean what. I get the gist of what’s being said most of the time, but it’s a language I never want to look at again. ‘Cutie at 12 o’clock’ yeah, I understood that, but don’t ever freaking do that again, Roman

‘We don’t know if he’s not gay’ he’s got a point

‘He’s got some stickers on his laptop’...i really want to get stickers on my laptop, but the one I have now is pretty shitty and I want the stickers to have a nice home.

‘That’s a classic introverted method of talking about yourself without having to do anything too..extreme. Like talking.’ I do hate talking

When Roman starting clapping his hands in excitement? Pure serotonin. that was adorable and Roman needs to be happier more often

‘You’re a creep, you’re a weirdo-’ I see what you did there Thomas crew

‘I don’t want me to be doing this either’ Me talking to my ADD+Procrastination+Perfectionism=What’s homework? Never heard of her *screeches in constant panic cosplaying a pterodactyl*

That little ‘ready to stare’ pose when Virgil said ‘Go’ like a dog owner playing fetch was greatly adorable

Let’s see, we got Yu-Gi-Oh, Basketball....excuse me, Mr Nico Flores? Wtf is that third thing supposed to be???

‘Boiled Mayo Carrots’!?!?!??!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!??!!!!? KEEP THAT ABOMINATION IN FLORIDA!!!!! FUCK NO!!! NO! THAT BETTER NOT BE A FUCKING THING OR I WILL KILL EVERYONE AND THEN MYSELF!

‘Go home and regret everything’ I agree. I wouldn’t even have the courage to do the kind of snooping Thomas is doing, I  would have already left and said goodbye to a chance of, at least, a new friend

There’s a lot of talk of names in this episode...all directed toward Roman...

I am once again Virg! What Are ‘Gay Eyes’ !? Gebus. I can hardly tell what I’m feeling most of the time. and I avoid eye contact at all costs. I will never use that, nor ever notice anyone using those in my vicinity. I am a very dense person.

That one shot, where Nico turns around and you can see Thomas and CO. in the back? Most likely my favorite shot.

‘Ah nanana, I wasn’t testing you. I was just panicking.’...I’m starting to understand why people relate to Virgil so much...

‘You’re making a mistake’ ‘If I am I’ll add it to the list!’ Oh, Roman, you need to talk about something?

No. Don’t crawl into the trashcan...no.

‘That’s like cyber stalking, but real life’ ‘So stalking’ ‘...OH, YOU’RE RIGHT!’ Oh my god, they’re all idiots. Where’s Logan when you need him.

OH NO THERE’S GOING TO BE SOMEONE IN THE STALL!!! FUCK, SECOND HAND EMBARASMENT SUCKS SO FREAKING MUCH!!!

Back to the discussion of Thomas’ wants. And the way Roman’s and Virgil’s expressions change with certain sentences is slightly worrying

...Am I the only one that doesn’t understand looking at some stranger and immediately imagining marrying them? Is that just me? Cause I can’t imagine looking at someone I don’t know and just going ‘I’d marry that and live the rest of my life with that’ I just-it really doesn’t make any sense to me.

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, THERE’S A PERSON IN THE STALL, I HATE THAT TROPE SO FUCKING MUCH! FUCK! NO! RUN FROM THIS SITUATION, THOMAS! I WOULD!

‘The lies.’ uh oh ‘You can’t have true love if the relationship isn’t built on truth’ tru ‘Will deceit continue to be the answer to all your problems?’ Well...you don’t have to call me out like this...

‘He’s better off without me’...I use that line a lot...definitely too much actually...

IS HIM! SAY SOMETHING, THOMAS!

‘He fears things, too?!’ Yes, Virgil, like most people...also same, I doubt other people feel fear, too.

‘What’d he say?!’ Once again, me in this situation

‘Yeah, super nosey, man. hahaha. *deep(very either dreamy or forgot to breath) sigh*’ I don’t know why, but that was an amazingly delivered line. Thomas is such a great actor in all mediums, and do not even try to say he’s not

‘There he goes’ NO YOU CAN STILL AT LEAST TRY TO SAY SOMETHING! C’MON BOIS, YOU CAN PULL IT OFF!

Gosh, Roman looks So Sad. AH! NO!

C’mon, Virg. Fight or flight. Fight.

ONCE AGAIN! THAT THING ABOUT THOMAS’ ACTING!? THAT PART WITH VIRGIL! PLUS THE AMAZING DRAWINGS!? PAERFECTLY PUT TOGETHER TO MAKE SOMETHING PERFECT!

(Also, once again, I would not have the courage to even approach anyone like this. Ah, to live without being a wuss about everything...)

Thomas is actually how i act when I’m coming clean about something. Just rambling on my explanation, probably saying a bit too much to get the point across. Well, like Thomas, but add several more sentences and a fast dwindling voice that abruptly shuts down

‘...or an aspect of their life feeling like a trash bin and the waste keeps piling and piling up until it inevitably spills out into the rest of their life’ O-oh ok, didn’t how much of this asides would be a callout post to me specifically, but ok.

‘Shut up!’ ‘Shut up.’ ‘Shut UP!’ They’re adorable

This asides said Prinxiety rights

It was nice to see at least someone pop up this episode

Janus?! Oh ok-JANUS!?!

Eh! AH! OH NO! AAAAAHHH!!!! I NEED IT! BUT I DON’T HAVE ANY KIND OF MONEY NOW WILL I ANYTIME SOON! I HAVE LIKE 100$ TO MY NAME AND THAT’S CHRISTMAS GIFTS! IF I HAD A WAY I WOULD BUT I CAN’T AND I AM BUT A CHILD IN AN ADULT WORLD, I WOULD GIVE ALL I CAN IF I COULD, BUT ALAS I CAN NOT! NNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!(but also thank god I don’t because my wallet would be barren between Vivziepop, Unus Annus, Jacksepticeye, Cloak, Top of the Morning Coffee, and Thomas...I would be living in a box with only merch to my name...)

After Credits Scene!~~~

That edit, with all of them walking into the house! I can only dream of doing that! like, I have an idea of how that was made, but it will always be spectacular to me

PAUSE! OH MY FUCKING GOD! IS THAT SPARKALING PURPLE EYESHADOW! VIRG IS LOOKING FABULOUS! HOLY SHIT I LOVE THAT ON HIM!(also wasn’t there a tumblr post flying around with that idea as a joke? the one where Virg is doing his black eyeshadow saying something about hiding his eyebags and Roman’s like ‘ I have a better way of doing that’ and then it’s just Virgil with glitter under his eyes. That wasn’t my imagination, because I’m too smooth brain for that)

‘I’m gonna need you to, like, walk around the entire expanse of the room, in like a frenzy, thank you so much, yes, that helps somehow’ It is weird how that helps alot

‘Huh, delete it.’ Wow! I only just realized that Virgil’s eyeshadow is black there. it went by so fast the last times that I didn’t notice.

‘I know right!’ Oh My God He’s So Cute Like This! He’s So HAPPY! PATTON, YOU NEED TO SEE YOUR SON LIKE THIS, IT’S FULFILLING!

‘I found a Michelin star restaurant, it’s in France’ ‘I’m listening’ just two idiots working together in the name of love(I accidently just referenced a song...I’m proud of myself for that)

‘I’m gonna need you to shake your hands, alright, you gotta do something with them, they’re just hanging there’  A whole mood.

‘Are we ready for this?’ Oh No! Virgil’s sad again! Stop worrying him! let him live his life!

‘AH, DEMON!’ also a mood

‘Don’t tell me to relax!’ he is literally Anxiety, c’mon Ro.

Anyway, loved that. Now I will either rewatch Bee and Puppycat, again, all the way through, so I can finally update my season 2 review, yes there is a season 2 and it is AMAZING, or i will end up rewatching the previous TSS episode, again, idk how many times I’ve done that...I will most likely do the latter because I can never get enough comfort Thomas content. And Then maybe watch B and Puppycat again, because I really need to.

[dukeofonions]

“Because I was one of them.”

“Oh, okay cool.”

Or alternatively: Why Virgil’s confession has lost it’s impact.

Exploring the Dark Sides (Part One)

Something I realized the other day is that a lot of my current issues with this series wouldn’t exist if there was a consistent uploading schedule. 

You see when there’s a steady stream of new content flowing I’m more inclined to just go with the flow and not spend so much time looking back analyzing things I’ve already floated past because why should I when there’s so much new stuff ahead? 

But say that stream suddenly comes to an abrupt stop and I’m left sitting with nowhere else to go. At that point I start looking back, noticing little things that I hadn’t noticed during my initial trip down this metaphorical river. I now notice all the jagged rocks, how shallow the water actually is, etc. 

And while this doesn’t necessarily ruin my experience over all, I’m left scratching my head wondering whose idea it was to come to this place anyway. Sure it’s not the worst place to go floating, but surely there’s a better place with deeper water and less hazards. Just an easier way to float along where one doesn’t have to worry about the stream suddenly ending. 

I don’t know where this metaphor came from but to sum it up: since there are such long waits (years now) between actual Sanders Sides episodes and there’s a lack of new content to take in, I’m left looking back over what we have now and during my little look backs I’ve begun to notice some things that cause issues with the latest additions to the series. 

Some of the more interesting things I’ve noticed revolve around the three resident “Dark Sides” and how they’re written in the series. While a lot of it is really good and I think they’ve got some of the best moments in the series, there’s also a lot of little things that pop up that, when looking at the series as a whole, don’t make a lot of sense. 

Which is why I’ve begun this little series where I do a little deep dive into some of these things I’ve noticed and break them down to see if I can try and make sense of it, and this post is going to focus on Virgil.

More specifically, Virgil’s confession to being a former “Dark Side” and how it’s kinda lost it’s thunder.

As per usual, this is all my own opinion and you’re free to agree or disagree as you see fit. Of course I get pretty salty but I try to avoid getting too negative because where’s the fun in that? 

Anywho, on with the show! 

I’ll admit, despite my problems with the concept of “Dark Sides” as a whole, I genuinely loved the subplot of Virgil hiding that he used to be one of them from Thomas.

From a story telling standpoint they do a good job with the foreshadowing, leaving plenty of clues for the audience to find and it all pays off at the end. It’s also unclear at first whether Roman, Logan, and Patton know (Spoiler alert they do) and there’s some close calls via Janus and Remus dropping hints in front of Thomas which cause Virgil to freak out and adds some tension to the series. 

It also provides a bit of a mystery around Virgil, Janus, and Remus as while it’s clear that the three have some kind of history together we’re never told or shown explicitly how their relationship was. Of course, we’re given plenty of hints, but we have yet to know what life was like when Virgil was “one of them” and it gives the audience more to look forward to and theorize about. 

And of course, the actual reveal itself is amazing. The acting, the music, the complete silence after Virgil confesses and him looking like he’s about to cry as he sinks out is just *cheff’s kiss* perfect.

So what exactly is the problem here? 

The foreshadowing? There’s just enough to get people theorizing but still plenty of room for people to speculate without spelling everything out. 

The reveal? What can I say, I don’t have any complaints here. It’s definitely one of my favorite scenes from the series and I can’t find a single thing wrong with it from a technical stand point.

But as mentioned before, I started thinking about it more, and after taking everything we know about Virgil and "the dark sides" into account, this question suddenly came to mind:

Why is Thomas so shocked by this?

Think about it, when Virgil first appeared he was a little bitch. He was kind of the first antagonist of the series. Not evil per say, but compared to the other Sides he was a little shit who enjoyed bringing Thomas down. He was very much what one might consider a "dark side."

He wasn't ever trying to act like a "good guy" in order to earn Thomas's trust or anything, he was very open about what his role was and how it’s just who he is. So really, Thomas's reaction should have been something along the lines of, "Oh, okay. Makes sense."

Of course, we do see Virgil change over time and we learn that he isn't as bad as he seems (even though that seems questionable now) but that should have made his "past" even more obvious.

Like, Thomas, the guy had a whole acceptance arc because he was a bitch and no one liked him. You were literally there throughout his entire journey, it shouldn't surprise you that he was once part of a group you consider to be "evil."

Well okay, maybe Virgil just wanted to be honest regardless of whether or not the "dark sides" are actually evil or not. Who knows? Maybe he chose to confess when he did because he saw how horribly Remus had been affecting Thomas and seeing as he felt as though he'd failed to protect Thomas from Remus and Janus, figured he might as well try to protect Thomas from himself as well.

Which, okay, if that were the case then that could explain Thomas's reaction. He'd just met Remus, saw him at what could he his worst (we've only had one actual episode with Remus so who knows how bad he can get?) and while he learned that he's actually pretty easy to deal with and isn't as scary as he thought, who's to say the reverse couldn't happen with Virgil?

He saw that he wasn't as bad as he thought, but when you look at how nasty Virgil's been lately, who's to say that couldn't happen? It's been said that Virgil, as Thomas's anxiety, is manageable and isn't as bad as others. But we've literally seen Thomas say that he's afraid of what Virgil could do and so he just kind of has to let him do his thing in order to avoid all the "bad stuff" he could do.

According to Thomas: "There's a lot that Virgil could do that I don't want him to do. He knows exactly how to push my buttons. But he is who he is. All we can do is try to listen to him as best as we can and adapt to his needs."

(For anyone who wants to watch the clip here's the time stamp Embarrassing Phases 20:31)

Uh, yeah, that sounds super healthy there. But I'll get into my issues with that little message in another post.

Just before this though, Roman had asked Thomas if "He's (Virgil) going back to being scary can I go back to calling him names?"

Thomas responds by telling him as he's leaving that he still has to be nice to him, before Logan expresses that he's glad (or relieved) that Virgil didn't go into Thomas's "girl phase" which just hearing it being mentioned seems to stress Thomas out. Then finally after Logan leaves Patton explains that while he's trying to respect Virgil's wants and still be a good friend, he feels like he just makes things worse which is where Thomas attempts to reassure him.

Except his advice is to just, let Virgil do what he wants so he doesn't hurt them? And while he says they need to work with Virgil it doesn't seem like he's requiring Virgil to work with him as well in order to not make his life miserable?

Hm, is it possible that my answer as to why Thomas reacts so strongly to Virgil being "one of them" lies within my least favorite episode in the series?

Perhaps Thomas was already starting to be afraid of Virgil before the whole confession in DWIT, and has gotten to a point where he's forcing himself (shown by him telling the others to keep "being nice to Virgil" despite how he treats them) to just take whatever Virgil throws at him in order to spare himself from whatever worse things Virgil could do to him?

That, added with everything that happens in Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts, where Thomas witnesses a Side of himself that appears to be worse than Virgil, could have set him on edge. And if Remus, who he considers a dark side, who he openly admits to hating and is so afraid of him that he loses sleep, then just how bad could Virgil be if he was ever at his worst?

With all that in mind, yeah. It does make sense why Thomas would react the way he did and why he'd be cautious of trusting Virgil in the future.

Except, none of this has actually been confirmed within the series and is purely speculation and since we still don't have the season two finale, we really have no idea what Thomas actually feels towards the situation since he kinda brushes it off at the end of DWIT by doing the outro.

But wait... we actually do know how Thomas feels. In fact, we already know how the issue is resolved!

Looks like it's time for-

How Asides Ruins Everything!

You all remember when Asides was first announced, right? These were meant to be shorter, lighter videos that took place outside of the current series and were meant to give us content in between the long breaks for regular Sanders Sides episodes that also wouldn't get in the way of filming said episodes.

Well we all know how that little idea turned out seeing as it's now been a year since Putting Others First and they decided that we needed to have two Asides episodes before the finale that were apparently essential to the "plot" even though the current plot in Sanders Sides has nothing to do with Thomas getting a boyfriend but I digress.

But you know, I wouldn't be as upset about the Asides causing us having to wait longer for the actual story to pick up again, if the Asides episodes didn't ruin the actual series!

How did it manage this? Well, let's just look at Virgil here and the entire point of this post which is, as the title states, why his confession has lost its impact.

And the answer? Well, at some point the writer's decided that the best way to resolve the new conflict between Thomas and Virgil was to have them indirectly make amends by using some random character that is clearly just a stand in for Virgil and use this character's "confession of a past they weren't proud of" as a way to discuss the situation and Thomas's feelings on the matter just to have Thomas indirectly assure Virgil that they're still "okay" and it doesn't bother him.

So according to Asides, Thomas is just fine with Virgil despite his confession. And as we see in the following Asides episode, they're still cool with each other!

So what was the point of that dramatic confession, which was being built up towards throughout pretty much all of season two, just to have the characters indirectly discuss it and make amends like it was nothing???

Why should the audience care when it all just gets brushed aside (ha) like it's no big deal?

Everything was in place for Virgil's reveal before the Asides came into the picture. You had the build up, you had the pay off, there was the suspense when Virgil was completely absent from POF, and then you would have had him confronting Thomas and the two having to directly come to terms with this new information.

But nope! Let's just have them sit awkwardly by each other on the couch while they watch Frozen in onesies while everyone keeps talking about some random character whom the audience has never heard of before that we're supposed to figure out is meant to represent Virgil and Thomas is all "Nah we're still cool bro."

What's supposed to happen now? Janus is supposedly a "good guy" now so why would he bring up Virgil's past to get under his skin? And if he still does why would it bother Thomas since he's already come to terms with it?

Look, even though I've got my problems with the concept of "dark sides" as a whole, it wouldn't have mattered to me if they'd at least committed to telling a good story here with Virgil's past because I was genuinely interested in that.

I freaked out when he told Thomas, and initially I thought we weren't going to see those two interact again until the finale where Virgil would finally have to face Thomas and we'd get to watch how he comes to terms with it. And if Asides hadn't been a thing and we had gone straight from DWIT to POF it looks like this was the direction they were headed.

But instead we're basically told (not shown) by Thomas that he's fine with Virgil. And the reason as to why Virgil's not in POF despite being on good terms with Thomas?

"There was just no reason for him to be there."

Really? There was no reason for Virgil, who was directly part of the discussion that led to POF in the first place, to be present during the aftermath of the decision they all had helped Thomas make?

There was more reason for him to be there than Logan and he still showed up! They had the perfect explanation set up for them in DWIT: Virgil had just revealed his past to Thomas and due to being afraid of how he'd respond (or just wanting to give Thomas space and not stress him out more) chose to remain absent from the conversation.

That actually makes sense and lines up with the story but nope.

The "Dark Sides" and Virgil's past with them was one of my favorite things about the series. The mystery surrounding it all and Virgil trying to protect Thomas from them while keeping his own history with them a secret was a brilliant concept thats just kinda fallen flat on its face.

The long waits between episodes don't help, and how they're rushing through certain aspects within the series itself along with Asides coming in and muddling things up, I don't really care to be invested anymore.

Why should I when there's a chance anything interesting they come up with will just be glossed over like it's no big deal?

It's hard to make a final judgment here in regards to Virgil's current arc when we still have no conclusion in sight. But from what we've seen from Asides, which is now integral to the plot of Sanders Sides, we kinda already have our answer.

Thomas and Virgil are just fine with each other. We learned that Flirting With Social Anxiety takes place right after POF and that Virgil already knows about Janus getting on Thomas's good side so there's no suspension with him finding out about that either.

All that's really left with him is his troubling relationship with Patton but I don't even care about that anymore. They've hardly addressed it at all and given what we've been seeing I doubt the conclusion to their strained relationship won't be satisfying either.

I don't know what the finale, or the rest of the series, will hold concerning Virgil. While I hope that things will turn around and get better, at this current rate it doesn't seem likely.

Episodes are still taking years to make, and the ones we're getting are just distracting from the main plot or taking things away.

Virgil isn't the only character suffering from this, but at least he's not as worse off as others.

Which is why in the next installment of this series, we'll be taking a look at a little, yellow snake and how one of the characters with the most potential ended up being the most underwhelming parts of the series.

[a-ghostlight-for-roman]

how to never stop being sad

Summary: Following his brother's acceptance, Roman's life felt like it was falling apart. His family was turning against him, that awful snake was being allowed in their home, and worst of all, he still couldn't seem to do anything right, no matter how hard he tried.

How does he choose to deal with it?

Not in a good way, that's for sure.

Warnings: Gore/Death/Violence (none actually occur but it is described), food mention, cursing

AO3 link

Chapter 1

Repeat to yourself that they’re not really gone

Time has proven

That fooling yourself into believing a lie

Is the most effective way

To deal with things you have no control over

Roman was fine. Completely 100% percent, absolutely fine, and he would tolerate no thinking to the contrary. Things were abnormal, sure, but he was coping. Maybe he felt a bit (a lot) guilty for letting things in the Mindscape get so bad, but it’s okay! He’s managing! Maybe he’s surrounded by people that barely tolerate him now, but he’ll fix it!

...eventually.

Right now, though, he’s in his room. Alone, as is usual these days. Usually, he’d ask Patton or Virgil to hang out with him, but after the last video, things were… Tense, to say the least. 

Patton wasn’t mad at him, of course; he wasn’t ever truly mad at any of them. However, Roman would have to be stupid not to notice the disappointed looks Patton gave him when he thought he wasn’t looking or the way that after Roman left the room, he always made a point to talk to Janus afterwards, as if he needed special attention just for enduring Roman’s presence.

Things were a little better with Virgil, but he was frustrated with Roman for tolerating Janus’ presence at all. Despite his obvious vitriol towards him, he still outright refused to talk about what exactly Janus had ever done to him. So Roman was forced to choose between Patton, his father figure who’d never meant to do him wrong (who had acted like Roman was unreasonable for sticking to the very moral rule set that Patton had imposed on him since they were children), or Virgil, who Roman had been wrong in not listening to before, & who was obviously extremely hurt and betrayed by both Janus, and now his own family.

He still hadn’t quite been able to choose, straddling the line between adhering to Patton’s kindness policy towards Janus and respecting Virgil’s feelings. It didn’t really work-- rather, it just seemed to leave them both dissatisfied. Roman could hardly stand it.

...but it’s fine. Really. It’ll blow over eventually. He isn’t quite sure how, exactly, but things always turn out alright in the end, right? There’s always a happy ending.

Except when there isn’t, but… bad endings only happen in Remus’ stories, & he doesn’t have power here in the Mindscape.

...except he sorta does, now. After his video, he’d (albeit reluctantly) been accepted. His ideas were considered, even valued, now. Sometimes, he was even chosen over Roman. Not only by Thomas, but also by the other sides, at times; Logan may think he’s slick, but Roman’s seen him specifically request his brother’s assistance in the Imagination, in the living room, in the archives, in his room- It made Roman sick to think about, and whenever he walked through the house, he could see evidence of his brother’s influence littered throughout. For the life of him, he couldn’t understand the appeal. When had society fallen so far as to value a duke more than a prince?

---

Roman hadn’t thought he’d been in his room for long; he’d only meant to duck in to get a breather after having to endure Remus’ maniacal ramblings for nearly half an hour, but it seemed he’d been brooding long enough to attract Logan’s concern. He heard a knock at his door and broke out of his haze, looking towards it.

“I apologize for bothering you Roman, but I was wanting to inquire whether you were alright. It’s been an hour,” Logan said. Had Roman really been away for that long? No wonder Logan was checking on him.

“Yeah, Specs- Sorry. I’ll be out in a minute, just finishing a project,” he lied. Logan was so cold, calm, rational- Surely he would look down on Roman’s groveling simply because he couldn't deal with his brother for more than a few minutes. As much as Roman was full of himself and proud of his work, he thought if Logan talked down to him, he’d break down and cry.

“We’re currently 'hanging out' in the common room. You’re welcome to join whenever you finish. I look forward to hearing about what you’ve been working on.” Roman could hear his footsteps slowly grow farther from the door.

Shit. Now Logan thought he’d been working on something, so now he had to do something-- he couldn't just show up empty-handed. They’d see through his lies in an instant. He’d be just as bad as Janus, imagine what Virgil would think--

He took a steadying breath. Okay, yeah, he’d lied, but that wasn’t so awful, he just had to make it right. He just had to make something, and that shouldn’t be so hard, right? That’s his job! He’ll just think of something real quick, and it’ll be done in a jiffy, and then it won’t be a lie anymore, and on top of that, he’ll have something to talk about! Talking parts were hard to come by sometimes when you had to find something that would include the two people you hate most, your former-enemy-turned-best-friend, your dad and your colleague (as he insisted to be called), but everyone was always eager to hear his new ideas, so this would be perfect.

---

It was nothing special, but it would do. He hadn’t had the time or energy to think of a concept for a whole scripted video, so instead, he’d written the next Shoutout Sunday. Simple, but it had to be done, and it was already Friday, anyways. He closed his notebook, and stood up, keeping it under his arm. He never knew when inspiration would strike, so he tried to carry it with him whenever possible. He opened his door and stepped out from his room, making his way down the hallway past the multicolored doors of the other sides, pointedly avoiding looking at Janus’ signature black and yellow-colored door. Out of sight, out of mind.

As he walked into the commons, the conversations faltered for a moment, but everyone quickly returned to what they were doing. Remus was noticeably absent; Patton and Virgil were curled up on the couch, sharing a blanket between them and speaking in excited whispers; and Logan and Janus were speaking across the counter separating the living room and the kitchen while Logan made dinner on the stove and Janus leaned with his hands crossed under his chin. 

Roman lingered by the stairs for a moment, caught off guard by the lack of greeting, but continued to the side of the couch not occupied by Patton and Virgil. He’d hoped to share his script with Logan, but he was busy at the moment, and he so rarely was this casual with the others; Roman figured it better to let him be for the time being. He pulled his notebook from under his arm and summoned a pencil from his desk. If he couldn’t share his idea, he might as well get started on the next.

He spent around five minutes doodling a new creature to introduce into the Imagination when Logan finally seemed to notice he was there.

“Ah, Roman! Apologies, I hadn’t noticed you were here. What was the idea you were working on?” he asked. He turned off the stove and fully turned to Roman, looking past Janus. Roman was almost ashamed to say he felt a certain degree of satisfaction that Logan had put aside his conversation with Janus in favor of speaking with him. Keyword being "almost."

“Well, it is a most illustrious, melodic creation--” Roman sunk down from the living room and rose into the kitchen, laid his now open notebook on the counter, and gestured towards it with a bow-- “Behold, the newest Shoutout Sunday!” He smiled and rose from his position, bouncing on his feet a bit as Logan rested his chin on his hand, looking thoughtful, and read it. Logan gave a slight, satisfied smile.

“So you’ve worked ahead of schedule, then. Wonderful! Good work, Roman."

“I know,” Roman replied, beaming, “I shall have a new idea by the morn-- perhaps I can even start the next video script!”

“So long as you do not burn yourself out, Roman. Otherwise, I look forward to your next contribution.” Logan closed Roman’s notebook, handed it back to him, and then opened a cabinet, gathering bowls for… Whatever healthy monstrosity was in the pot on the stove. Roman could only guess what it was. Some sort of soup, maybe? “Will you be joining us for dinner tonight, Roman?”

“I’m afraid there are simply too many ideas and too little time, I must return to my work!” Roman replied. Janus narrowed his eyes at him from across the counter.

“I wouldn’t be witnessing any self-neglect right now, would I, Roman?” his voice dripped, cool and patronizing. It carried a lilt of care, but it was clearly faked-- Patton would have scolded him if he’d been listening. Roman rolled his eyes.

“No, I am simply dedicated to my craft! Creations don’t come from thin air, do they?” he replied. Logan tilted his head, brows furrowed.

“...They do,” he said. He raised his palm, and atop it, a paper appeared. “As you can clearly see, I’ve just summoned this piece of paper- Now, it’s not on par with many of your creations, of course, but I’m sure you understand my point. Just last week, you summoned me a new Rubik’s Cube. Don’t you remember?”

Virgil snorted from across the room, and Roman sighed. “Yes, Specs, I- I remember. I meant that metaphorically.”

“That was not a metaphor. According to Oxford Languages Dictionary, a metaphor is 'a figure of speech in which a word or phrase is applied to an object or action to which it is not literally applicable.' Would you like an example?”

“Not now, Logan. I’ll be taking my leave-”

“Aw,” Patton interrupted, “why not stay? You’ve spent so much time up in your room- Now, I know sometimes we need our alone time, but spending some time with your famILY won’t kill ya!”

“Did someone say kill?” came Remus’ shrill, excited voice from by the lamp where he’d just appeared.

“Not that kind of kill!” Patton rushed, “there will be absolutely no killing on my watch, mister!” Remus put his hands on his hips and blew a raspberry at that, exaggeratedly pouting at him.

“You’re no fun,” he replied. “Nothing wrong with a little casual murder to pass the time! Everyone dies sometime, might as well make it exciting.” Patton grimaced as Virgil’s eyes went wide and he groaned.

“...Everyone dies sometime. We are going to die. Thomas is going to die. Death is inevitable,” Virgil mumbled shakily, though it was still quite loud once the tempest tongue kicked in. He put his hands in his hair, but before he could pull at it, Patton led his hands away.

“Now Remus, that may be true, but there’s no need to dwell on it, especially when you know it will upset Virgil,” Logan said with a strict tone.

“Oh oh, I wonder who’ll go first when Thomas dies? Think it’ll be all at once, or one by one? I vote Roman-”

“Won’t you just shut up?” Roman spoke up, voice raised. “You’re harming Virgil and you know it. Keep your ideas in your side of the Mindscape; We don’t want them here.” His fists balled up as he glared at his brother. Oh, what he’d give to be able to walk up to him, to punch him square in the jaw. He’d love to unsheathe his sword and bury it right in his fucking stomach, to watch the emotions flicker through his eyes as they slowly went glassy and he collapsed to his knees, the blade continuing up through his skin like it was paper, the blood leaking through his clothing and pooling around him on the floor-

Roman blinked hard, brows furrowed. No one had responded to him yet, because it had only been a moment. What kind of thought was that? Certainly not one becoming of a prince. Was Remus messing with him somehow? Roman knew he could project thoughts into Thomas and the others’ heads, but Roman had never experienced it himself-- Why would Remus give him an intrusive thought right now, especially one so gruesome as to include his own gory death by Roman’s hands? He didn’t look like he had done anything, but he had to have, right? Roman didn’t come up with ideas like that. He was light creativity, he was good creativity!

Patton must’ve noticed his distress, as he quickly looked between the two. “Oooookay,” he began, “Remus is being a little inconsiderate of Virgil. And that isn’t okay! But that doesn’t mean we don’t want him at all. Everyone messes up from time to time!”

“But he’s doing it on purpose!” Roman exclaimed. He gestured his arms towards Remus and waved them incredulously. “I mean, look at him! He doesn’t even care!” 

Remus didn’t respond, continuing to stand in his spot, smiling and unblinking. Janus cleared his throat, gathering their attention. 

“I’m sure Remus just loves being talked about as if he isn’t here. Regardless, it’s hardly fair to criticize him for one incident that’s a result of his function as intrusive thoughts, especially considering that you’ve shown a pattern of worse behavior over the past… What, three years?” He looked towards Logan for confirmation.

“Yes, approximately that long, although that’s a misleading usage of the information. He’s improved over time,” Logan responded.

“Only if you consider his treatment of Virgil exclusively. Regardless, you've proved my point,” Janus said, sounding satisfied. “If it took Roman three years to warm up to Virgil, why does Remus only get a few months? Not to mention that he’s just being told that he’s unwanted and to leave, you've never experienced despite your actions, and which is preposterous notwithstanding.”

Virgil finally ripped his hands from Patton and covered his ears, shutting his eyes tightly.

“Shut up shut up shut up!” he said frantically. Patton bit his lip and looked around the room.

“Listen, usually I’d encourage a healthy family discussion, but now’s really not the time to be doing this-- Roman, please go to your room. Remus, I’m not mad at you, but I’d really appreciate it if you would go ahead and leave for the night, too.”

Roman stared at Patton for a moment, mouth agape and brows furrowed. “My room- Patton, I’m not five! This isn’t even my fault-”

“Don’t argue, Roman,” Logan cut him off, “Do as Patton said. We’ll discuss this more in-depth later.”

Roman gave a loud scoff as he trudged across the room and began making his way up the stairs. He gave one last glare to Remus, who’d finally begun to move, and then continued to his room, where he fell backwards onto his bed. He closed the door with a flick of his hand, and stared at the ceiling, letting out a resigned sigh as he reminisced. Why was everything so backwards nowadays, he wondered? When had the dastardly acts of his brother become the new norm, overshadowing his own heroism and creativity?

It wasn’t as if Roman could even do anything about it, either; Patton’s decisions on what was right and wrong was like the word of law in the Mindscape. Sure, Roman could challenge his thinking, but he hardly wanted a repeat of his… Frog incident. He couldn’t bear it if he distressed him that much again. All Roman could hope for was that one day, sooner rather than later, someone would either talk some sense into him, or he’d come to the realization himself that Remus was merely a parasite to their famILY.

For now, at least, Roman could dream. 

‘Patton loves me just as much as the others. He’s a dad! Dads love all their children equally.‘

‘Even if it seems like it sometimes, no one really hates me- Well, besides Remus.’

‘...And even if they do, I can fix it.’

Even if it meant lying to himself.

[macorni]

Talk To Me

  Ship: Moceit

Date I wrote this: 12/10/20 (December 10th, 2020.)   

  Mini-Fic                                TW: Arguing, crying, self-harm in a way, unhealthy coping, and swearing. Just Janus Angst.                                                janus angst

Word Count: 2023 

Janus felt as if the world was ending, his best and only friend broke up with him (meaning they're no longer friends) after a misuse of words during an argument, Janus covered his mouth and laid on his bed to soften any cries and to be at least comfortable The argument was silly and useless, Janus recently gotten back from another discussion with the Light Sides and Remus was there waiting for him, "You might as well be another Virgil." Remus told him, Janus raised a brow, "What is that supposed to mean?" Remus rolled his eyes, "It means you're going to friend them and leave me alone, even if you say you're not leaving, as Virgil once said, 'I will not leave.' But we all now know that was a lie. So, are you gonna leave as well?" Janus was taken back by that statement.

"What? That is prosperous! No I will not." Janus gritted through his teeth, he hated to be compared to that emo. He felt a bit of himself die when Remus said, "You're a liar, how am I supposed to know, Deceit?" Now, Remus knows Janus's name, so it hurt to be called 'Deceit' when he's not Deceit, he is Janus. He didn't want to be only seen as Deceit, just how Remus didn't want to be seen as only 'Intrusive Thoughts' but he kept his mouth shut about that statement, "I don't lie all the time, you should know that, but again, you're a monster, not logical." Janus felt the words slip through his mouth. It sounded so sour and harsh but in such a careless tone. It sounded like nothing at all. Remus's breath fastened, and Janus slapped his hand over his mouth afterwards, it was a very loud silence, "Remus, I- Uh- I-" Janus stuttered but Remus interrupted, "No no, if that's how you feel then so be it." Remus snapped, going to his brother, leaving Janus alone.

That leaves Janus here, in present, sobbing on his bed. He didn't mean any harm but he speaks too fast, and words cloud his mind like air pollution and the words fall out like a waterfall. He shouldn't be crying, he didn't get hurt, Remus did. This was so fucking selfish and stupid. He gasped for breath but it seemed as if his lungs gave up on him, eyes watering and burning. He can't lose his one and only best friend, no, not again. He can't lose anyone else- first "O"(Orange Side who left to god who knows where when they were teens), then Virgil, and now Remus? Not to mention Roman will definitely tell everyone else and everyone will hate him more.

Janus shuttered at the thought. He can't handle emotions well, he tries to hide the bad ones, but he rarely laughs at anything at all anymore. He watched an 15 minute vine compilation and laughed- more of a soft huff- three times. Janus has breakdowns pretty often but he doesn't tell anymore or wants anyone to know, so when he does, he takes the anger and confusion out on himself, example being: He hits him, sometimes the head, or stomach, or the legs. He holds his breath until he is about to pass out. He scratches at the covered scales. He also rips up old photos, to the point where he makes 2x copies of the same picture because he will rip it eventually.

He decided to head to the library in the mindscape, or the light mindscape. The dark sides don't have much, which includes a library which Janus hates. He waited until he was presentable, tidied up his outfit, and then started to venture to the library. He'll definitely see Logan. Janus walked into the library and sure enough, blue boy was there reading a book about philosophy during the Ancient times and up to the 1980's. Estimated 500 pages from the looks of the thick dark green book with golden text on it saying, "Philosophy Throughout The Ancients to 1980's." with a smaller text with the author.

Janus disregarded the man, Logan and him we're on neutral terms, though Logan found it frustrating when Janus would deceive the others as him, and Janus found it frustrating when Logan would constantly lie about how he felt. Logan noticed the yellow side wandering by him, "Salutations, Janus." Logan greeted and Janus gave him an awkward wave, "Hi." Janus walked to a Psychology area and grabbed the books labeled, "Understanding Emotions." "Opening up." "Life Advice." and "How to deal and help with mental illnesses."  Janus sat down at a small table, 3 tables away from Logan, and began to read the first book, "Understanding Emotions."

Janus read for about an hour before Roman and Patton entered to hangout with Logan. Roman's face twisted in disappointment when he saw Janus sitting down, Patton smiled, he didn't mind the snake after the previous Sanders Sides episode, not counting the Asides. "Salutations, Roman and Patton." Logan told the two, waving. "Hi Logan!"  Patton smiled widely and Roman responded with a simple yo. The 3 we're relatively loud but Janus liked some noise then none. Silence was sometimes so violent, it drove Janus insane, being left alone in your thoughts. Patton decided to talk to Janus, and made his way to the other side, sitting down across from him.

"Hi Janus!" Patton smiled, "Hello Patton, do you need anything?" Janus asked, not many people willingly talked to him. Most hated him, including himself. "Nah, I just wanted to chat. We never chat outside of discussions, I want to know you better." Patton explained, Janus was taken back from his kindness, even if he didn't sense it, he convinced himself it was a lie, "Oh okay, I'm not very interesting, just a fair warning." Janus smirked, Patton giggled a little, "Everyone has some sort of interesting piece of them." Janus shrugged,  "I'm kind of ordinary. Besides appearance wise." Janus continued to read, "Whatcha reading?" Patton tried to read it upside down, and failed miserably, "A book about understanding emotions better." Janus told him, "Ooooh! Neat!" Patton moved next to him, leaning over and reading along.

"You should read funner books." Patton suggested, which triggered Logan's grammar sense, "Patton, 'Funner' is not a word, it is pronounced 'More fun.'" Logan said loud enough for him to hear, which caused Janus to chuckle, "Sorryyy!" Patton said fast, "I would but I don't feel like it has a educational benefit for the next crisis." Janus said honestly, "For someone who was people to self care and do what they want- if it's not dangerous- you really don't take your own advice, do you?" Patton explained, Janus paused, "W-Well that is because I don't feel as if I need it. I need to be doing my work and learning more. I gotta help Thomas, ya know." Janus found the right words to say. "You don't feel as if you need it?" Patton said, more quietly, Janus nodded. "I actually have a question, could you help me?" Patton asked, "Uh sure." Janus shrugged, looking away from the tan pages to the freckled boy, "Could you help me choose what gift I should get Remus for Christmas?" Patton whispered, not wanting Roman to hear, Janus nodded.

The two went to Patton's room, "So, Remus would most definitely hate a more colorful makeup pallet- since he does a lot of Special Effects Makeup." Janus suggested, "Ohh, thank you!" Patton smiled, writing that down. Janus got up to leave but Patton grabbed his arm which in response, Janus flinched and pulled away a bit, "Uh, yeah?" Janus asked, "Can we talk?" Patton asked, Janus sat down, nodding. "Have you actually been taking care of yourself?" Patton asked, Janus hesitated, "Uh, of course." He lied, "Janus, I saw your books. Are you okay?" Patton asked, as if he actually cared, which was way to absurd and unrealistic in Janus's mind. The words stung, does he actually want to know? Janus has so many questions, "Hey, I won't tell anyone anything, talk to me." Patton grabbed Janus's hands in a soft manner, smiling. Janus felt tears prick, "You don't really care, do you?" Janus asked, forcing the tears back down, "Pitying me?" Janus assumed. The light blue side shook his head, "No, I really do care," Patton started and Janus looked away but Patton took one of his hands and turned his face turns him and cupped his cheek in the same hand, "just talk to me, I'll listen." he finished.

Janus felt a single tear stroll down his face, nobody ever wanted to listen, he know he shouldn't but he does anyways, "Emotions confuse me. I don't know how to help them or react. Whenever something bad happens, I get obviously sad, and I began to cry too much or too little. And when I don't know what to do, I break down. I don't know how to.. stop breaking down. I always end up hurting myself or breaking some valuable. You're probably annoyed now, I'll shu-" Patton shushed him, "No no, rant to me, I like the sound, I like your voice." he smiled, lovingly, which made Janus confused on why he cared, "If you insist.. I can't talk to anymore or be my own self because I am too scared of being even less likeable, and if I open up too much it'll scare people away, make them uncomfy, or I'll be too much and they leave me. I-I just feel so lost and I do no good, even when I try. Maybe me leaving all together would help everyone, including Thomas. Having no denial or deceit may be good, but the bad of having absolutely no self preservation could do. I feel like him on auto-pilot now." Janus couldn't stop talking but Patton didn't mind.

"Sometimes, I feel like I'd be better dead. I mean, in the long run I'd be helpful if I just went awa-" Janus got cut off by a bone- crushing hug from Patton, "Just lay down, okay?" Patton suggested and Janus did, he laid down on the bed and Patton laid down too, the two facing each other. Patton wrapped his arms around Janus's waist and pulled him closer, and Janus wrapped his arms around Patton's neck, Janus's head resting in the crook of the others neck. "..See, just stay like this.. You'll feel better soon."

Janus felt the tears just pour from his eyes, he sobbed onto Patton knowing he'll never feel this type of love again. Patton rubbed circles into his back, Janus was so vulnerable, anything could just hurt him right now, a shaking, sobbing mess. Patton never knew Janus held in so much, he didn't know one of the 2nd most serious side held so much pain within, he knows that Logan is going through it too. "P-P-Please don't t-tell anyone about t-this.." Janus said in between sobs, gripping onto Patton and his shirt, "I wont ever tell anyone, promise." Patton said softly. They stayed like this for at least 15 minutes, then Janus stopped crying, he was just shaking.

"We can stay like this for awhile.." Patton told him, noticing the boy still shaking, "S-Sure." Janus repositioned himself so he was laying on his right side and Patton cupped him, rubbing his chest. "Cute." Patton told him, "Uh-huh, ssssssso cute." Janus lightheartedly said and rolling his eyes in a playful manner, and hissed, Patton giggled at this hiss. Janus took off his hat and threw it onto Patton's desk chair. "Thank you ssssso much, Patton." Janus smiled.

"No problem."

- Minific by m.acorni

[thessaliah]

The reunion with someone you love,  thanking someone who was unrewarded,  saving of the pitiful who cry for help: universal themes in events and their connection to Roman and Olga

Benienma's charming New Year event ended and there were lots of good moments. Specially for Fionn fans who finally got their favorite to take the spotlight. Fionn is in Ireland, the equivalent of King Arthur, just like Cu Chulainn is the equivalent of Herakles, so the way FGO has handled him was horrible so far but he came around in this event and got impressive feats on his own. But I won't talk about Fionn, others have done before this. When this event dropped years ago, I and a lot of japanese players felt certain uncanny emotional parallel with Beni's old man and Mash's situation with Roman. A man who never knew happiness for themselves and always thought about the happiness of others, cloaking themselves in big lies, misunderstood alive but grieved in death. Who still died smiling because others were saved and happy, yet still they want to thank them and set things right, even if it's an impossible wish.

Mash is the one who speaks up, while she doesn’t overtly voice her parallel, we know it exists.

If I am to only fulfill my role between larger gears, There isn’t much to worry over, If “only” is good enough.

I’d like to try living, in the time I was granted. I don’t fight to suffer, Just like you said. Please, let the gentle rain fall upon me, upon our will. When I depart, I’d like for you to quietly see me off.

When I was done crying, I could no longer hear your voice. That’s how you urge me on, I see, telling me that there’s no road back.

I was born into this world to live. There is no other definite reason. I don’t need a mission or a meaning. I will live! I don’t want to Let my memories with you end in sorrow. Just like you said, The conclusion can be repainted, always.

Cut for length.

This is the song for her mental and emotional state after what she lost at the end of part 1 (Roman). It’s called Blank Space, it shows that, like Benienma, she’s continued her duty for the chance to see Roman again. This post isn’t about Roman, but also about Olga, since the prologue of Part 2 there are two heavy losses that weight Mash’s heart (also the player but Mash’s more vocal about it): first is her guilt of being unable to save Olgamarie (which was discussed and was the reason they went to save Goredolf) and the other is her sorrow with the separation with Roman whom she didn’t even properly thank for everything he did for her (was hinted how she is comforted by his room in Missions before being tore apart from it in the prologue where she had a breakdown and refused to leave). Events in FGO sometimes don’t exist in isolation, they connect to major plot arcs: Ooku continues CCC and is about the major plot of the Beasts, for example, Oniland and Christmas 2020 with Karna supply dragon lore which surely will be important in Britain Lostbelt or when Arthur confronts the Beast of Revelations. Plenty of events to build the Greek Pantheon and characters. As such, there are these small emotional catharses of events that are sometimes connected to the main characters (Mash and Guda) own desires and wishes. The desire of Guda meeting the one(s) he loved and lost again is ever-present, even in interludes:

(Abigail interlude)

The person singled out for this is always Roman. Aphrodite's song illusion in Guda's heart led toward Roman and is a mere possibility he was around (even without a blank without body, even without understanding what he's saying) what broke in Guda's defenses. It was always when they gave in about the doctor when the loop was allowed to continue. It was also the source of strength to break out of this. Because Guda can't face Roman unless they are proud of their answer and path, in death or life, they can't thematically meet again (exceptional events aside) until Guda is satisfied with their actions. Events sometimes feature this Roman-loss theme, or rather about being reunited with someone you separate from and lost what is the conclusion of one's journey: Sitonai reunites with that Berserker in Oniland, Beni with the old man, and there's that movie singularity that was all about a man who was misunderstood and made a villain by people who after his death realised their mistake and understood he loved his foster daughter's future and would protect it with his life. Mash was personally touched by that  script (so was Roman, who was included by Nasu changing the original novel that was going to be published, to help the cast reshoot the movie for Mash's sake) and wanted to ensure to preserve it, the end of the movie is the daughter living well while the father is watching over, apparently alive, but with a different appearance who one day might meet his daughter again.

The other point of emotional struggle is to help or save those who pitifully want to be saved. While the reunion is nearly always involving a man (sometimes a father figure or someone who was a guardian), the saving part is almost always about a girl, usually, a girl who is doing evil actions and needs to be put down for the sake of others but Guda and Mash (if she’s around) refuse. Imaginary Scramble features two of them: "Gogh" (Clytie) and  Yang Guifei.  The Olga factor goes tacit in all but the male exception, Goredolf was a man, but the Olga connection was brought up explicitly in his case. This plot-line might have started with Ereshkigal Christmas event and Salem (on that note, Abigail's search and longing for her dead friend also connect and echos with Guda's losses). This started after part 1, because during Observer, those who were twisted or darkened or made villains were disposed of instead of saved (Ushiwakamaru in Babylonia for example, or all the Servants affected by madness in Orleans). Because it was not important during part 1, but it is for part 2.

(in a nonsubtle way).

IMO, the Greek Lostbelt was also a climax to voice what Mash’s (and Guda’s) wants. Mash finally breaks out and says she wants to meet Roman again and thank him for everything after the Person of Chaldea appears. They aren't speculating about his identity or his warnings, rather they are emotional about how he can't be the Doctor because his eyes are different and wish to meet him again in an emotional My Room scene. Olympus was for Olga, after U Olgamarie appears and they are left confused by her actions, that is Olga but she's their enemy, a Beast, but still they want to help her. Because that's always been one of their biggest regrets. Greek Lostbelt kicks the course of their personal emotional catharsis arc: Olga is there, but she's an enemy; an ally who resembles Roman appears but he's not their doctor. Man of Chaldea and U-Olga have the same function: to be different kinds of emotional hurdles Mash and Guda face, aside from their role in the plot (obviously they are more important than just angsty plot devices). So it begins their personal goal: meet Roman again, save Olga. Atlantis and Olympus also have a little of both. Olympus with that dream which had an emphasis Guda's feelings toward Roman, among all their losses, while Atlantis with the subplot of Corday and the nanomachines (which the priestess witnessed).

To wrap up, this is merely tangential, but this scene was translated at last, so I might give context to those who don't know it:

This weaver is "Miss Crane", who appears in Waltz in the Moonlight Lostroom, a special game released on anniversary with the plot by Nasu. Just to show how tied is Roman's story and Benienma's event narrative. The doctor created the Moonlight Room, that became a harmless singularity that exists linking past and future, similar to the Inn. Crane manages it by his request and one of Crane's goal is to reward him, even with the little she could do for him. Roman gets the broadcast of the Ball Crane arranged for him in the game’s ending. This foreshadowing that leads back to Roman was included in the same chapter Beni tells us her backstory and her wish to thank and meet that man again. And she did, in the very end, as a personal reward for her efforts, and his.

(Fate/Grand Order is a story of many meetings and departures, and meetings again).

Note that because I interpret that Mash’s and Guda’s emotional catharsis arc require: needing to help Olga (to exercise their regrets), and meeting Roman in the end (as reward), it doesn’t mean that Olga or Roman will be alive or playable in the end. Olga could sacrifice herself as Corday or Ophelia did after being saved (her choice is going to be important, because it seems build up for her to finally make a stand she wants), Roman can be met in a death-state or in the Lostroom/Moonlight room as connection of past and future. It’s just that those things needed to happen for the emotional closure and they have had a built up before the Greek Lostbelt.

[spacegaywritings]

“Burning old Bridges and making new ones” (Oneshot)

Teen and Up // Virgil x Logan // ALL sides appear (Janus and Remus only vaguely)

Summary: Logan is tired of the light sides, not being listened to. He cannot handle the utter irrationality his co-sides display when trying to manage some of Thomas’ deepest issues. In frustration, he slowly starts to turn away to them, and open the doors for others.

Tags: invalidation, not listening to one another, slight logan angst, hurt and comfort, analogical, Patton and Roman are too fantastic, thomas, sides au, dark side Virgil, illusions, (which is kind of gaslighty!!), alternating environments, mentions of blood, metaphors of blood etc, crying, tears, heart break, name reveal, ridiculing people, talking over one another, dark side Logan, converting???, calling the sides by their functions instead of names.

My KoFi  - Support me ♥ or Commission me

Note: If you miss any tags, have issues with links or any other concerns, please feel free to contact me. Anon is on and my DMs are open.♥

Links broken? Inform me, please!

Story under the Cut: (Word count: ~5k)

10:24 am.

 Logan sighed.

 They were in Thomas’ apartment, being the helpful sides they were. Thomas had sliced them into functions, so he could better argue with his different motivations in life. Currently, he was debating on yet another issue. He was wondering about whether or not to get that subscription to a gym. On one hand, it was practical, it might motivate him to do some exercising, to work out and talk to professionals about routines and which exercises would be best for him, his body and his goals.

Roman was all for it and so was Patton.

Yet, they left out Logan, as always.

 As soon as he had brought up finances, he had been called “party pooper” and “professor of unfun”. For a moment, the malicious words of “obstructing Thomas’ acting career” were aimed at him in one of Roman’s incredibly immature and uncontrolled fits.

Patton was simply up for it. He just took it, complimented the thought and said it was the best thing to do. The fact that Thomas had never held up these sorts of obligations was always shut out. The repeated intervention of Logan’s rational musings and his careful warnings of the consequences and alternatives had all been shut down.

 Roman and Patton ran into one another, hugging and cheering on one another. Apparently, things were settled. Logan did not know. He had stopped listening. If he walked out on them or simply ducked out, Thomas would get upset, the others would get suspicious. There would be yet another issue to resolve around feelings, Logan’s feelings. For some days, the other sides would act as though they cared.

 Until they would stop keeping up the exhaustive pretence to care even a little.

 Logan shrugged the matter off, trying not to get the “HE WILL BE HERCULES! ONLY LESS GREEK!” and similar yells and cheers get to him. The completely delusional Patton and Roman had turned on him and his valuable input once more.

He was seriously tired of it.

If they only listened enough to consider his arguments - it would make him one of the most satisfied sides in the entire Thomasphere. Instead, they banned him from discussions, completely excluding him. Thomas was not ready to realise it.

 The logical side disappeared up the stairs, reserved.

Feelings were all over the place. When he faded into the upstairs area, nobody questioned him, nobody held him back. They let him go, ignoring him.

Nobody paid attention.

Nobody even cared.

 Thomas tried to hug his sides. It was one of the last things Logan could sense when he pulled himself out of the affair. The sounds of betrayal and ignorance were too loud in his head. It hurt, it thumped, it was agonising.

It needed to stop.

 “ugh.”

 At the very least, Logan’s unwilling isolation has taught him more than enough things.

As he stepped into the mindscape, he reviewed his knowledge. One foot in front of the other, a slow pace. He was crossing over to the dark side.

 1. The dark and light sides were separated from one another.

2. There was no more separating them than the way Thomas imagined them to be

That meant:

A) The sides were marked by different colour schemes

And

B) The sides’ “rooms” were separated from one another in a way that “light” and “dark” sides had two different sides of one hallway.

 At the moment, Logan was crossing from one side to the other. Nobody was usually in the hallway. It was just him, crossing over again and again. From one side to the other.

 3. There is no need to sneak from one side to the other. Everyone is either in their own room, with Thomas or in the parts of the Imagination.

 He stepped closer to one of the doors, hand rising up to the door handle. However, his hand retreated just as quickly. Instead, he remembered something crucial.

 4. Every dark side had preferences to their doors and how to open them.

 Logan stood tall, straightening his posture. He reached out, this time with a curled fist. Three times short, three times long, three times short again. It was the knocking signal for S.O.S. . Logan thought it to be more than ironic for “Anxiety” to have such a kind of knocking sign as preference.

The door handle disappeared, then the door opened.

 5. About half of the space designated to the dark sides was imaginary.

 This was supposed to ensure nobody uninvited or unwanted would invade their space. It was rather clever, Logan had to admit.

 Anyway, rules aside, the door opened slowly, revealing a dimmed room. Some colourful lights seemed to stream from the glossy ceiling into the room. They danced over the floor, shifting and switching. It was a wild and uncoordinated dance but at the same time, it felt natural, following a pattern invisible to everyone’s eyes.

The floor was stone, dark and partly broken. Several parts revealed cracked areas. Through the cracks, a few flowers seemed to grow. They were lonely but strong. Every single one of them was purple, yet it were different tints of purple in every flower.

 For all that was worth, it looked like an abandoned temple. Raided, forgotten.

Some chains hung from the ceiling, around the glass part in the middle. The mosaics of translucent colour-filters was somewhat spheric. The chains were occasionally strewn around that, revealing little lanterns with warm, yet weak light. They were traditionally black, or at the very least, anthracite. From one corner of the room, a bit of smoke rose, striving through the room, twirling and twisting around itself in alluring manners. Incense was burning, giving the room an oddly peaceful feeling to it, no matter how destroyed and abandoned it seemed to be.

 Logan cleared his throat. His eyes were still looking for a certain side. Usually, there would be a more obvious sign of that person, but right now-

Ah, there.

 Virgil was hanging up some sort of tapestry, monochrome in colour. The design looked ominous, sort of mysterious. It was a moon, a castle around it. It seemed as if there was a whole other layer of meaning to it. Logan could not even imagine it. He was bad at seeing these kinds of things. But it did not even matter. Virgil was turning around to him and Logan nodded politely, not moving until Virgil gestured for him to come in.

 “Good day, Logan.”

 He slowly moved inside. The door manifested right behind him. When he turned around to see it, there was a lot of stone. It was a wall. There was no door, no more. Actually, when paying closer attention to it, it seemed to be a gate. There was a little metal ring, partly embedded in the same dark and cracked stone material, for knocking.

This had to be how Virgil got out.

 “Greetings, Anxiety.”

 They both stood there, for a moment. Anxiety looking almost bored. The logical side was unusually quiet. Everything around him was new, confusing. No matter how often he got here, it would always strike him as absolutely novel. It was just that different from where he lived, from where he used to hang out.

 “What you doing down here, again? Can’t get enough of me, yet?”

 He smirked smugly.

Whenever Anxiety would join in on their conversations, he would “ruin the mood”, aggravate Roman and make Patton stiff and uncomfortable. Anxiety was the one to make them listen, to settle conversations and feelings.

He was the kind of down-to-earth Logan needed and appreciated for their group. He, for once, was inclined to include Virgil in their group. Not that the group of the “light sides” was particularly great, but it was simply for the fact that Thomas needed Virgil to have more say, if he shut down his own logic that much.

Logan felt something tingle at the start of his spine. He shivered, trying to hide away the goosebumps.

 Anxiety was dressed in a simple black shirt, a red symbol all over it. It looked like a pentagram. He came closer.

 “So?”

 Logan swallowed, inhaling the sweet smell of fresh breezes and comfortable darkness. It smelled of earth and of cold snow. Anxiety had the most beautiful shade of brown in his eyes, out of all the other sides, they looked the most grounded and genuinely.. warm.

 “Perhaps I needed your input on something.”

 His words came out one by one, delicately, taking their time to unfold in Anxiety’s hearing. The edgy side rolled his eyes.

 “Lies aren’t welcome here, what do you need, Logic?”

 Ah, straight to the point.

It had Logan’s chest feel warm, tingly inside. It was as if he was tickled from the inside. He couldn’t help but smile. It was just a little, more like a shadow.

 “It happened again.”

 Anxiety’s shoulders fell a bit, tension replaced by a softer, more tender feeling. His eyes seemed to widen in empathy. He could feel Logan’s pain.

Not being heard, not being understood.

Being ignored and invalidated only, but at the same time made to feel as if it was not alright to face this truth, as if they cared more than they actually did.

 He sighed.

 “You can stay. Spill the beans, ‘the fuck happened?”

 The two started talking. Well, Logan was mostly talking. Words cascaded out of his mouth, feelings foaming around his lips in furry and frustration. There was so much piled up and the whole stack was simply tumbled over by someone jumping around from one to the other side of his room, in nothing but black yoga pants and a rather loose punk-styled shirt. His feet were bare, as bare as Logan’s feelings when he came inside.

Every now and then, Anxiety would roll his eyes, chip in with comments like “of course” and “ah, sure, thing.” They were sarcastic, but they did not arm at hurting Logan. No, it was meant to make fun of how hypocritical and unkind the other light sides were. No matter what Anxiety contributed, it felt holy to Logan.

 There was the harsh, brutal honesty in direct, raw lines. They were short, they were sharp and the dark side did not hold back even a little.

 Logan wandered with him, from one corner to the other. They hung up the tapestry together. Anxiety mumbled something about Tarot cards and heavy meaning. Logan let him have it, smiling at the new information and interesting input.

 His steam was off, he was calmer now.

The whole room seemed to be much friendlier, more peaceful, too. The flowers were at full blossom, the dim lights were shining in new vigour. Some of the cracks seemed to be fixed and the floor felt warmer, more inviting.

This was not an abandoned temple, it was a reclaimed sanctuary.

 “Do you want to come over?”

 Anxiety shook his head. However, he patted something like a table. There were blankets and pillows on top of it. Logan was not sure whether it had been there before. It looked like a bed, but the base was made of stone. He shrugged, taking it.

 “For now, until I can trust you fully, you can come here and that’s it.”

 Logan nodded.

He was okay with that.

His body lowered itself, automatically, already. It was as if his programming was made to listen to Anxiety, to be flexible with him and lay with him. The dark side roamed around, pulling on a chain. It set off a mechanic, unleashing some sounds. Calm music came out of the ceiling. Logan sat up a bit but Anxiety pushed him back down.

 “Take a moment”, he advised. Logan nodded. He laid back down, listening to the calming, almost tangible beats. They were so soft, it was surreal. If they had disappeared at once, Logan would not have noticed either way.

 Slowly, he drifted off to something Anxiety would later refer to him as “lo-fi” beats.

 ***

 This was one of their first meetings. By now, Logan could barely remember how he had met Anxiety in the first place. He only knew he had been angry, upset by Patton’s irritating cheerfulness and pure ignorance. Any thought of this experience already pumped adrenaline and disgust through his veins.

Despite his intellectualism and his expansive vocabulary, he was incapable of describing just how sick he was of Patton and Roman completely shutting him out. They were so out-of-touch with life that it could only lead to Thomas getting hurt.

 Logan sighed, pushed his thoughts aside. A tug called him into action, asking him to join yet another discussion. He could not believe it.

Still, he tried his best to be helpful, to be present. For the sake of Thomas, he tried to stay strong and persistent enough to make good points, objective points. Maybe he could at least get a word in.

 Within the blink of an eye, he was in the living room with more than familiar faces. Well, they all had the same faces - it felt as if this thought was but a comment Anxiety would utter out. It was true, but why say it? Anyway, the princely and fatherly side were there, already chatting up Thomas and asking him about his issues, asking him about what was wrong.

Those were words and sentences they threw at one another, yet never at Logan. Actually, looking around, Logan realised they were not in the living room as expected. (Not anymore). Thomas was walking over to the kitchen, taking his sides with him.

 “Okay, this is not too much of an issue but I feel unusually torn about it.”

 Patton nodded, an encouraging smile on his face.

 “We are always here to help you Thomas! Now, what’s the issue?”

 Thomas seemed a bit embarrassed, shuffling his feet, avoiding eye contact. He fidgeted with his hands. If Logan did not know better, he would assume this sort of behaviour reminded him a lot of Anxiety.

Wait-

 Before he could even finish thinking his thought, the ice crystals of Anxiety’s appearance could be felt. The time seemed to slow for a moment, then explode. Something in Logan seemed to wake up.

 “Now, now, now. What’s this again, Thomas? Do you really think, you should be doing this? I think we can all agree it’d be best to just pack up, go back to bed and leave things like that.”

 Thomas frowned.

 Hands moved, fingers curling around the handle of a katana. Roman extended his arms, skilled movements exercising a threat imposed on Virgil who literally yawned in Roman’s face as if he could not be bothered to even look at him for longer than a moment without being terribly bored and disinterested.

Roman gasped, pulling back.

 “You fiend!! Insulting Thomas and then me?! I am the prince! Keep in line, I am warning you!!”

 Patton rushed to his side, appealing smiles on his face. They looked like hearts. Logan’s frown seemed to settle deeper into his facial skin.

When he realised Anxiety was basically next to him, he had to swallow down a gasp. Why was it so warm all of a sudden? It had to be his body balancing out the cold Anxiety would usually bring along with him. He felt strangely comfortable. Again, Logan rationalised his emotions by thinking it was simply nice to know someone was at least somewhat on his side. Having someone to balance out the extreme of Patton’s and Roman’s idiot suggestions.

 “Wait a moment! How about we all take a deep breath and wait for a bit.”

 Patton’s movements seemed forced when he gestured for Roman to put his sword down. His smile at Anxiety was as fake as his “logical arguments”.

 Thomas looked around his sides, tentatively raising one tiny hand to greet the anxious trait. He dismissively shrugged Thomas off, looking at Roman and Patton with brooding eyes.

 “Look, this is the same issue all over again. Thomas does not know how to cook and is embarrassed about it. He threw all his money out for usual shit like rent and all - and his new gym subscription - and now he does not have enough money to go get some takeout. This is all a matter of poor management of money.”

 Patton gasped at the accusation.

 “No!”

He composed himself, trying to contain his sudden outburst.

“Thomas can deal with it. Like a good adult, he will just move past this.”

 Roman rose to the conversation, nodding.

 “Yes! He will learn how to cook cheap and easy things, so we can adjust our diet!”

 Patton squinted.

 “What? Why? Thomas does not have the time. Okay, listen to me guys, your old daddy-do knows what to do!”

 Logan groaned. Anxiety echoed the sound, seconding the emotion they shared.

 “Thomas will just drop his gym subscription, then he can keep up with his meal subscription and does not have to worry about cooking or anything. We don’t want to repeat the last mistake we had in the kitchen ~”

 Thomas grumbled, frustration boiling over in him. He pouted, crossing his arms in front of his chest as if to defend himself from the cruel, yet true words.

 “Fine.”

 Logan’s head snapped to the side. He needed to adjust, so he could look at Thomas. Previously he had been looking at Anxiety much longer than expected or than he had realised. But the speed at which he had craned his neck to the side would probably have injured him, if he was human at all.

There was a scowl all over his face. Thomas winced like a cartoon.

Logan tried very hard not to snap, or at the very least let out an extremely done sigh.

 “Thomas, you cannot be serious. You have barely listened to anyone’s opinion on this matter. Can you truly say you are actually making an informed or at least a thought-through decision at this moment? I suppose it would make more sense to listen to everyone, one by one, then wage the different arguments and options and try to find the most satisfying solution to your problem. You might be acting too fast and face preventable consequences if you go o-”

 Patton chimed in.

 “Logan, Thomas already made his decision. He can do it. He is an adult and doesn’t need to keep thinking and thinking about everything. It will make him sad.”

 Anxiety hissed out.

 “Not thinking can get us killed, you want Thomas to die?”

 Patton gasped.

 “I would never!!”

 Roman roared.

 “Fiend!!”

 Patton held Roman back, face slowly darkening.

 “I think it is best we leave Thomas alone, now. He is an adult, he made his decision”, then he turned to Thomas, beaming like he did not know anger and pain at all. It was a terrible act but an act nonetheless. The good-hearted man tried to nod it off.

“I am proud of you, Thomas! Let’s go and get yourself some food. Remember, you got a credit card! Now that you are an adult, you can do whatever!”

 Anxiety pushed forward, tempest tongue activated but Thomas already willed them away, feeling the anxiety coming on. The dark side found himself in Logan’s room, sitting on a comfortable bed, a fluffy unicorn onesie right under his butt. Before him, Logan appeared, expression unreadable.

 “That was rough.”

 Logan nodded, mutely. The sadness drained over him. Bit by bit, there was more emotion raining over his face. Anxiety could see the very moment Logan allowed to let the emotions flow into his heart, drown his professional appearance and attempted objectivity.

His chest ached and he got up, slowly catching the crumbling man in his arms.

 “It’s okay, Logan.”

 The logical trait shook his head. He could not even care about how the onesie was exposed, draped all over his bed. He did not care that the dark side was with him, in the realm of the light sides. His mind could not begin to wrap around the fact that someone else than a light side being there could potentially warp this side of the mindscape.

All he felt was the sadness ripping at his heart, squeezing his feelings and making him so sick, he wanted to vomit out blood until it was over. It felt exaggerated but also somewhat appropriate for the situation.

 He had stacked up every bit of feeling, every moment of ignorance and invalidation. The sharp comments, the audacious interruptions. He was sick of it. Everything was like a load of blades he had swallowed again and again. Now it was churning inside of him, ripping him up and destroying him from the inside out.

He coughed, the feelings wanting out and his lungs too exhausted to keep up with all his pain. The repressed emotions and denied doubts all came back to him, haunting him. They were multiplied in intensity, hitting him the hardest when he was at his lowest.

 Sobbing, he fell to his knees, Anxiety slowly tugging him to bed and comforting him. Time was no concept for him anymore. He measured the moments in tears and how much it hurt when his heart and lungs sobbed along with him.

Eventually, he could feel more than just his chest’s agony. There was warmth around him, distracting him from the destruction going on inside of him. Anxiety had put a soft blanket around his shoulders, patting him and applying soft pressure with his supporting arms, his uplifting hugs.

 As Logan was falling, tripped over by his “friends” - Patton and Roman -, the dark side, the half-stranger was catching him, holding him up and bringing him back to his feet.

Time went by and he did not count the hours or try to keep track of the light intensifying, then dimming down until night settled in. All he knew was that the dark side held him throughout everyone, stammering every now and then, trying to offer him some tissues and cups of water.

 “You have to hydrate, Lolo.”

 A nickname.

 He cried harder, dry-sobbing. When his emotions calmed a bit, he took the cup. His head nodded carefully and he swallowed the cooling water slowly. There was a purpose in his actions and the anxious trait carefully patted his head.

 “You’re doing good. Promise.”

 He hesitated for a moment but continued to talk after a small break. Logan barely noticed.

 “It will get better. I will assure you that.”

 Logan inhaled deeply. For a moment, he did not move. Then, he nodded.

 “Thank you-”

 “Uh”

 The dark side interjected. He shifted softly. Logan’s head was in his lap and took the shifting as a cue to move away. Awkward. He slowly rose, rubbing his cheek. It was flat and red from how long he had rested on his knees, his thighs and lap.

 “Oh, no. I , uh - fuck. Now, you are looking at me and it’s.. it’s weird again.”

 He blushed, shifting away a bit. Logan’s heart skipped a beat. Hope? Panic? The friend turned away, pulling his knees close and hugging them ever so softly. He sighed, trying to steady himself.

 “Are you having an attack?”

 He shook his head stubbornly at Logan, yet he did not dare look at him. The logical side sighed. His eyes fell on how Anxiety pressed his lips together, afraid of sounds coming out when he was so intense, the tempest tongue would come up again. He had disclosed to Logan, in a moment of trust, that he could control it to some extent but how it would just happen that his voice started distorting itself when he lost his sense of reality, started dissociating or was otherwise in deep distress.

 “I, uh - name. My name.”

 Logan nodded.

 6. For the dark sides, a name reveal was more than just a “big thing”. It was a tremendous vulnerability, hence revealing a name was the ultimate sign of trust.”

 “Virgil - It’s Virgil!”

 Logan’s mouth went dry.

He.. he actually had done it? He had actually told him his name?

 “Really?”

 Virgil nodded, weakly.

This time, it was Logan’s time to blush, reach out for the other and squeeze his hand.

 “I think it is beautiful. Thank you for trusting me so much.”

 He let the word rest on his tongue for a moment, treasuring it.

 “Virgil.”

 The dark side smiled.

 It was Logan’s turn to blush. The two were still holding hands, squeezing one another for comfort as their gazes locked and refused to budge. The black jacket around Virgil was too big, his usual outfit for when he popped up as a side. It looked like the similarly black blanket draped around Logan’s shoulders.

In a way, they were so similar, only in different places.

 -

 Little did they know the conversation happening outside their bubble. Voices overlapped, harsh sounds were exchanged.

“Shush! Can you feel this? Padre, there is something happening with the mindscape!”

Roman hissed, looking around. The walls around him seemed to change. He was not in the Imagination as he usually would but he was in the room with Patton. Patton was sitting on his bed. It was a bunk bed with fairy lights all over, colourful blankets and plushies stacking up like in a rivalry. He tilted his head.

 “What do you mean, Roman? Do you think there is anyone visiting us?”

 The prince tugged at his Katana, fidgeting with the calm yet threatening handle. As he approached the inner walls of the room, his steps seemed to slow down, quieten down. He held his ear against the wall. Slowly, his hands found the wall. He closed his eyes, concentrating on the structure of their realm.

The realm of the true light sides.

 7. Patton and Roman might be a part of the light sides but that did not mean they were the “light” kind of personalities.

 A shiny blade was drawn. Patton was in the dark, shadows casting over him, shielding the world from his appearance. He rose, slowly, heroically - only that he was a hero to himself and nobody else.

 “I think we need to pay someone a visit.”

 Patton giggled while Roman detached himself from the wall, blade gleaming and lusting for a few stabs and fights.

 “Very much so, Padre.”

 ***

 Yet another day, yet another rejection. This time, Patton’s flowery face gently shoved Logan back into his room, asking him to take time for himself and please be on the lookout because they needed him for Thomas.

It was odd.

He said that while separating him from a meeting with Thomas, trying to figure out yet another issue. Logan felt pushed and eventually just nodded, trying to get away from the sudden force in Patton’s behaviour.

 “Good choice! You are so clever, Logan! I wish we talked more!!”

 Logan bit down onto his lip. If he had applied just a bit more pressure, he would have drawn blood. The man was too much in control of himself, especially after letting his feelings out excessively, to break out like this again.

 As if you would even dignify with as much as your genuine attention, Morality.

 In his own mind, he had started empathising with the dark sides so much, he used their names, knew their names. The light sides had become some sort of forbidden topic for him. He did not pronounce their names, only their functions. He pushed them into the corner of his minds, banning them from his own mental conversations.

 He waited patiently. His back turned to open the door but he only pretended to do so. At the end, he only waited until Patton was out of sight, so he could rush over to the other side of the hallways, to his true and new home. He passed Roman, not even paying attention to it. The darkness sucked him up, shielding him, as he rushed into the new territory. Doors slowly disappeared before him, gates opened and then he was in Anxiety’s, no!, Virgil’s room.

 Before he knew it, calming arms caught him. The darkness engulfing him was gone. He swore he could have heard Roman’s voice calling out for him, someone calling him a traitor. But when he looked up, he did not see Virgil’s room. The colourful lights, the dancing shadows. All of the were gone. They were not in the sanctuary of the abandoned and the forgotten anymore, they were in a whole new place. At the same time, it was more than just a bit familiar.

He saw his own room, slightly altered. Behind him, a door appeared.

 “Logan-”

 Patton’s and Roman’s calls echoed through the mindscape.

 “You can do it Thomas! You just have to believe in yourself!”

 “Don’t I have to study?”

 Thomas. Oh, sweet sweet Thomas.

 “Aw, why would you, little man? You are really clever and your friends need your time more than your books need you. I mean, can you hear your books calling out for you?”

 “I guess you are right.”

 There was hesitation, so Roman jumped in. Besides being his ego, his passion, he was also his motivation and a bit of that was needed in genuine belief.

 “Damn RIGHT he is! Let’s be a true hero to ourselves, to our friends, and go to this gathering!! Prince Roman into the FIGHT!”

 Logan cringed. He could feel Thomas do the same, deep inside of him. Deep inside of him, buried away in the dark realm of his own thoughts.

 “It is just a barbecue.”

 Now Thomas was trying to use Logic? He could feel a tug. It was fainter than it used to be. Virgil was next to him, leaning against the solid walls.

“Feel the changes already?”

 Logan turned to him.

It was yet another moment in time when he had neither thoughts nor words to pronounce. It was not that he did not think anything about this, though. This time, unlike when he was crying and his mind went blank, he was full of thoughts and ideas. The only issue was that there were so many, he had trouble ordering them and listening to every single one of them.

 “I suppose I do.”

 He frowned.

Virgil shrugged, applying his eyeshadow as if to get ready for a party. So he actually did sit down to apply it. Wait, since when was there a mirror- oh yes, he had forgotten, this was his own room. In the dark sides’ area.

 “Am I a dark side now?”

 Virgil turned around. He actually did look like a raccoon.

 “Yeah, seems like it.”

 He shrugged, finishing off his dark accents. When he was done, he let his things vanish, simply disappear into thin air. He turned to Logan, grinning.

 “Well then, Logic, I suppose it’s time for a new time, a new place and a whole lot more fun~”

 He extended his hand.

 “Wanna get Thomas to listen to you a bit more?”

 His hands were warm. Logic could feel the warmth engulfing him, protecting him. Slowly, more presences seemed to whirl into the blend of energies and imaginations in his room. He nodded, captivated.

 “I think I can do with convincing people.”

 A sleek voice mused.

 Another voice popped up, scratchy and slightly used up. It was almost comically hoarse.

 “I think I can do with getting Thomas to listen to everything you want to show him!”

 The energies came in, shaping into appearances. Logic nodded again, a smile on his face.

 “Welcome to the team, Logic.”

[sarriathmg]

Omega Jason Todd Week 2020 Day 7: Free day #2 - Historical AU - 1700s What happens if none of the prompts you wanted to do made it? Why, crunch them all on the free day, of course!

Pfft yall have no proof that I'm just looking for excuses to put Jason in various dresses AO3 link ----

“I despise this,” Jason whispered to himself as he ripped the elaborate powdered wig off of his head and threw it aside, “this is atrocious.”

He really didn’t understand the reason why he had to do this. The whole rationale behind having to use his omega charms to approach the Waynes completely evaded him. Not when he had to dress in these ridiculous red satins and side hoops, barely able to move with him tripping over his gown every second step. The tightly laced stays he wore made his torso stiff and the dainty shoes hurt his feet. Jason hated how demeaning the low laced collar was, practically revealing his breasts for all the world to see, evoking interested looks to shoot at him from alphas all around which Jason absolutely detested. He also hated the perfumes that he was made to wear. They were too sweet, too artificial. Too obviously omega.

“I will kill Roman for this,” he said through clenched teeth. And to think the bastard alpha had the audacity to suggest that he also powder his face white and rouge his cheeks. He missed his coat, his red-colored hooded cloak and his simple mask (not like the frilly one he’s forced to wear to the masked ball), and his boots (God, did he miss his boots). But most importantly, Jason missed his guns. He missed his belt and his firearms, and he wished he was anywhere but here, dressed in unisex habits wreaking havoc in the harbor near the Wayne’s ships instead of standing here pretending to be some vulnerable damsel wearing these demeaning pannier and bows and satins that dragged on the ground, trying to use his omega attractiveness against the supposedly unsuspecting Waynes.

Jason huffed out a frustrated sigh before looking around himself. And, after making sure that no one was staring, he quietly and stealthily took off the ruffled red domino mask to reveal his face. Jason wanted a break. He needed one.

The Waynes had three sons and only one of them was alpha, a rich kid who was more into playing around than any official courtship and more into forming his own pack of misfits than staying home and taking over the pack legacy like a responsible alpha son should. Jason had read all the files on Richard Grayson before Roman had made him prepare for the ball, and he wasn’t convinced one bit that this plan was going to work.

‘But wouldn’t it be easier if you used an omega with more finesse who is more experienced with higher society?’ he’d asked.

‘Son,’ Roman had answered, right before he helped lace on Jason’s stays, ‘you’re selling yourself short. Besides, your training made you the best omega for this job.’

Except it’s easier said than done. Trying to disguise himself as a fine omega who’s lived among aristocracy his whole life when he was in actuality but a street urchin found curled up in the gutter was bloody hard. Jason didn’t have a smidge of clue on how to act properly and pretend to be a respectable omega like the rich bastards he was finding himself amongst right now. Only making things harder was him trying to locate the couple of targets he was meant to seduce in a massive ballroom where every single alpha, omega, and even some betas had their faces hidden behind masks. Jason had no clue what either Wayne or Grayson looked like in real life, which meant it was almost impossible to locate them among tens of masked attendants.

And speaking of which, of course, someone just had to decide to speak to Jason the same moment he removed his.

“May I have this dance?”

The voice sounded behind him with a classy but seductive alpha timbre. Jason looked back only so he could yell at the pretentious male to get lost. But that’s not what ended up happening. As soon as he had his eyes set on the young man, Jason immediately forgot what he was going to say.

A young alpha - perhaps only a few years older than Jason and dressed in black and blue - was holding his hand out to him in a polite and gentlemanly way. His hair was raven black, wavy, and down to his shoulders. His coat had golden trims and decorations embroidered among the smooth surface of the bright blue satin, yet they didn’t look overly ornate in any way. If anything, they made the man’s cerulean-blue eyes stand out even more under his simple silken black domino mask.

“You’re not from around here, I presume?” the alpha asked, still holding out his hand, black silken glove with blue strips catching some of the light from the wall lamps surrounding them, “if there had been such a fine omega around Gotham before, I would’ve noticed.”

There’s something...fraudulent in the alpha’s mannerism. The smile on his lips did not reach his eyes, his words were practiced, and Jason was way too familiar with the look in the man’s eyes which showed an alpha’s inquisitive behavior that Jason had known from his days on the streets. The scents he wore were also artificial, smelling eternally of calm sandalwood and lime, not giving away anything about the alpha’s true emotions or intentions.

Jason swallowed. His eyes quickly darted towards his side, catching a glimpse of Roman walking by while sipping a glass of wine, eyes trailing to him unsuspectedly under the black skull mask he wore. And Jason immediately knew this was a dance that he’s not allowed to turn down.

“You have a keen eye,” Jason said instead, couldn’t hold down the almost sarcastic tone in his voice as he placed his own gloved hand onto the alpha’s fancily clad ones, “care to tell me more about this city?”

As he let the alpha lead him down to the dance floor, Jason was beginning to feel anxious. Roman did in fact hire a tutor to train him in the dances of the upper-class, but Jason didn’t know if he’s adequate enough to keep up. He still had his mask in his hand, so Jason restored it back onto his face.

They began an allemande, starting their tip-toed dance to the trendy orchestral music that had gotten quite popular in the past decade before holding hands and twirling around each other, their fake alpha and omega perfumes mixing in a chaotic whirlpool of imitation of courtship pheromones.

“There’s a lot about Gotham that I could talk about,” the young and beautiful alpha finally spoke up, his long hair softly bouncing and whirling around with his movement, a loose strand temporarily stuck to the side of his mask before falling away and joining the others. “I don’t know what could interest a young omega like you. Do you rather talk about the elite or the poor?”

“Anything interesting, I suppose,” Jason answered with barely-concealed boredom, “my interests are broad, despite my designation.”

“In that case,” the alpha held his hand and they twirled around, a wave of dizziness suddenly catching Jason by surprise, “I suppose you might have heard about the mysterious red-hooded rogue who’s been attacking the harbors?”

Jason put on his practiced impassive visage and lied, “No. Care to tell me?”

Another swirl, and this time the alpha caught a hold of his waist and his hand, and they swayed in the music like two bodies in one.

“Well,” the alpha said thoughtfully, “forgive me for mentioning such a dark matter in front of an omega. The man calls himself Red Hood, and seemed to harbor a hate for the rich. He had been sabotaging Wayne's shipments for almost a month. But it’s nothing someone like you should worry about...we town folks are generally safe, despite being the ‘rich’ that the fiend hates so much.”

“Doesn’t seem like a topic one would talk about with an omega they just met at a ball,” Jason deadpanned.

“You’re right,” the alpha said, an amused tone in his voice, “but it’s something that’s been happening to Gotham which a newcomer might find helpful. And, since it appears this is your first ball, I think it’s proper of me to help...break the ice, so to speak.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Oh, many things,” the alpha laughed, “like how your mannerism doesn’t match with someone educated in high society from birth, or how you look like you are struggling to move in those garments.”

He took Jason’s hand and they made a swirl, the orchestral music in the ballroom ringing fancily in the omega’s ears.

“Although,” the alpha then mused, “isn’t it strange, that no one truly knows Red Hood’s designation, even though most just assumed he is alpha, like most rogues? It does seem a rather rare coincidence that a lovely omega like you would show up suddenly at the Wayne’s ball around the same time their shipments are being sabotaged by an elusive red-hooded figure.”

Jason was so shocked that he didn’t know what to say. He was suddenly glad that the perfumes he wore were heavy-scented enough that it could hide his true anxiety. He almost fell by tripping on the side of his gown, but the mysterious young alpha caught his waist just in time.

The alpha supported him until Jason was able to balance himself on his heels again. Then, he held his hand in a gentlemanly fashion as Jason stared at him speechless and dumbfounded.

“Forgive my ill manners,” the alpha said, “I apologize for my intrusive words. It’s not every day one could find a lovely omega to talk to. You seemed to be someone with similar interests as me despite your designation, so I let myself speak more than I should have.”

And then he kissed his hand, soft lips feeling warm even as they were obstructed by silken gloves. The young alpha’s long hair dropped down and tickled him through the fabric, and for a moment Jason had the insane thought that even his fake sandalwood scents smelled pleasant.

“We will meet again, my lovely omega,” the alpha said as he began to step away, still holding Jason’s hand a while longer as their arms stretched a little to accommodate. There’s something in the alpha’s expression and tone that told Jason he wasn’t just speaking to be polite. He actually meant it.

Then, the alpha was gone, leaving Jason to stand and contemplate the situation by himself.

[banana-with-a-bow-tie]

The world hates the church. If it could have its way the church wouldn’t exist.

I don’t think this should be a controversial statement. History proves it and most importantly the Bible proves it.

Satan is the god of this world (2 Cor. 4:4) and Satan hates the children of God. He wants to destroy and devour them (1 Pet. 5:8).

The world hates the truth. It suppresses it because it wants to sin freely (Rom. 1:18). The church when it is being faithful is fighting against the course of this world. Therefore, the world wants the church to stay quiet. If it could the world would close every church, burn every pulpit and destroy every Bible.

Little do they know that God’s wrath is upon them (Rom. 1:18) and without the church they would be already consumed.

As we see the world react to this Covid situation, we are starting to see the hate for the church come out.

If a ruler knew his Bible, he would quickly realize that it is in his city’s best interest not only to deem the gathering to be essential, but to be begging Christians to meet together, evangelize and pray for their communities.

As I was reading Romans 9 the other day, I was reminded about what Paul wrote in Romans 9:32 where it says,

“If the Lord of armies had not left us descendants, we would have become like Sodom, and would have been like Gomorrah.”

This is of course a loaded verse and one could preach several sermons on the truth found therein. But I would like to emphasize one simple truth this verse contains.

Paul says that a country with enough believers keeps God’s wrath longer at bay.

Or the opposite, that a city without enough Christians obeying the Lord will decay much faster than a city with Christians.

In other words, there better be churches meeting in your city or it will end up being like Sodom and Gomorrah.

The story of Sodom and Gomorrah is renown. They are no longer around today because of their rampant wickedness. But it is a conversation between Abraham and God just preceding the destruction of those cities that teaches us an important lesson regarding the importance of having enough “righteous people” in a particular city.

We find Abraham bartering with God.

The Bible records the conversation in Genesis 16:23-32,

“Will You indeed sweep away the righteous with the wicked? Suppose there are fifty righteous people within the city; will You indeed sweep it away and not spare the place for the sake of the fifty righteous who are in it? Far be it from You to do such a thing, to kill the righteous with the wicked, so that the righteous and the wicked are treated alike. Far be it from You! Shall not the Judge of all the earth deal justly?” So, the Lord said, “If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare the entire place on their account.” And Abraham replied, “Now behold, I have ventured to speak to the Lord, although I am only dust and ashes. Suppose the fifty righteous are lacking five, will You destroy the entire city because of five?” And He said, “I will not destroy it if I find forty-five there.” And he spoke to Him yet again and said, “Suppose forty are found there?” And He said, “I will not do it on account of the forty.” Then he said, “Oh may the Lord not be angry, and I shall speak; suppose thirty are found there?” And He said, “I will not do it if I find thirty there.” And he said, “Now behold, I have ventured to speak to the Lord; suppose twenty are found there?” And He said, “I will not destroy it on account of the twenty.” Then he said, “Oh may the Lord not be angry, and I shall speak only this once: suppose ten are found there?” And He said, “I will not destroy it on account of the ten.” Genesis 16:23-32

This is one of the most fascinating accounts in all of Scripture.

Here we find Abraham negotiating with God to help spare Sodom and Gomorrah. And we see God acquiescing to Abraham’s demand. If there had been ten righteous people in Sodom and Gomorrah, the cities would still be around today. But the fact of the matter is that they did not have that many righteous people and so, they did not survive God’s wrath.

Jesus tells the disciples the same thing when he calls them the salt of the earth (Matt. 5:13. He is telling them that they are the agent that is keeping the world from decaying as fast as it would were they not there. In fact, the whole point of losing your saltiness is that Christians begin thinking and acting like the world, therefore losing their power to preserve and to influence. The influencers become the influenced and therefore are casted aside by God himself.

There’s a lot of talk about loving your neighbor through this pandemic. Some Christians on social media have been very vocal about the importance of abiding by all government regulations.

In other words, they believe that Christians shouldn’t gather (or should limit the gathering) out of love for their neighbor. The potential of spreading this virus, if you gather, means that not gathering is the way to love. That the church should keep to the 15% gathering limits imposed by government; that if told, they should refrain from singing and taking communion.

Some people point to the fact that if bars have to follow rules then the church should abide by theirs as well.

The problem with this way of thinking is that bars don’t have the ability to keep the world alive by being full, while the church does. God hasn’t ordered the bar owner to gather and sing. It is more than essential for the church doors to remain open. To continue in a business-as-usual type fashion. It is the oxygen that lets this world breathe a little longer. It is the reason why God delays his wrath from being unleashed on the world. It is the reason for his overlooking wickedness in towns, cities, and countries.

What’s fascinating is that the world tries to silence and kill the very thing that is keeping them alive.

It’s like an astronaut in outer space trying to yank his helmet off because it’s bothering him. Not realizing it is the only reason he is able to live.

Of course, they killed Jesus, despite the fact that he was feeding thousands, he was healing every disease and he was casting demons. He was only improving their lives.

The world doesn’t know what is best for them.

The world has killed off Christians before. It has tried to silence the gospel. But it has never been successful and will never be successful.

I don’t write this post to criticize pastors for abiding by their city’s and country’s rules. I write this to encourage you that the world doesn’t always know what is best for them, and we should always follow God’s word above the science of the day.

I think you can be faithful and limit the amount of people who come into your doors for a time. You can be faithful and meet on zoom if you believe it is best for your church for a time. You can even do 7 services to comply with the 15% gathering demands if you want. But what is important is that you realize that the church is more than essential and that especially in times where government tries to limit churches that we understand how dangerous it is for us to limit our gathering.

It is not only dangerous for our own souls, but it is dangerous for our society.

Many pastors and parachurch leaders have been critical of pastors who don’t abide to the limits imposed by the government. One of these, James Coates, a Master’s Seminary graduate is now in jail because of his conviction to meet at full capacity.

Many Christians have been quick to criticize him for being unloving and to say that what he is facing isn’t persecution.

What they might be forgetting, perhaps because of a lack of persecution over the years, is that the Devil hates it when you gather. The Devil hates when you sing. Demons are rampant and influencing society. Demons have used and will try to use this pandemic to try to stop the church.

If there is anything the Devil loves is when he has muddied the waters so much that when Christians are persecuted, and the church is shut down, that the world will be cheering it on and will not see it for what it truly is. Persecution. And the Devil certainly considers it even more of a success when some in the church side with the world and turn against fellow Christian that they will spend eternity with.

I would just implore the Christians, not to side with the world. You may disagree with some strong stances but don’t forget how essential the church gathering is. The world as I already said doesn’t know what is best for them. The church gathering in full is what is best for them. The church singing in full chorus is what is best for them. Pastors preaching the Bible faithfully is what is best for them. The full church gathered to be equipped to go out on Monday and preach the gospel is what is best for them.

No one can destroy the church; the gates of Hell will not prevail against it. God will win. But he will do so by empowering faithful pastors like James Coates, who has seen through the false masquerade of “loving your neighbor” and refuses to give in to overbearing self-harming limitations imposed by demonically inspired governments. He has done the most loving thing he could ever do; call his church to assemble each Sunday and equip them to fight against the devil and his lies, to live holy lives, and to preach the Gospel to a quickly dying and hell-bound world.

[agerestorybits]

Bubbles

Logan loved bubbles. The way they floated through the air and the shine of a rainbow in their thin soap surface. Catching them, blowing them, watching them. He had a small bottle of bubble soap and a wand hidden away in the back of his drawer. 

  Something he pulled out when he needed to relax and just focus on something else from the thoughts and the feelings that he swore he didn’t feel. The pain and loneliness that was slowly crushing him. The bubbles made him feel light, weightless for just a little bit.

  So when he got back from another long pointless debate where he’s options were brushed aside, he locked the door and pulled out the bubbles. He said cross legged on the floor and unscrewed the bubbles. 

  He dipped the wand in, held it to his lips and exhaled. Bubbles drifted up into the air. He repeated this process a few times until bubbles filled the space above him. 

 He giggled a little as he slipped into a younger headspace. He didn’t know what it was called when he was like this but it relaxed him and he was more than happy to let himself feel like this if it meant not feeling awful all the time.

 There was a knock at the door. Logan jumped. He shoved the bubble stuff under his bed and stood up waving away the bubbles. He opened the door. There stood Virgil who was awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

 “Is there something you need?” Logan asked.

 “Patton sent me to get you...He wants to have a family meeting.” Virgil said.

 “Well then if it’s for family I don’t see why I would be invited.” Logan said stiffly.

 Virgil looked at him. “You’re kidding right?”

 “Of course not. Now I’m busy and need to get back to work.” Logan said shutting the door on a shocked and confused Virgil.

  He just managed to get relaxed again when there was another knock at the door. He rolled his eyes and waved away all his process...again. 

 “Yes?” He asked sharply. Patton blinked at the hostility.

 “Virgil told me you don’t think you’re part of the family.” Patton said.

 “Of course I’m not. Family requires affection and support. Neither are things I have experienced from any of you recently. I thought you were being rather clear in your exclusion from the group.” Logan said.

  Patton’s face fell. “Logan We didn’t mean to make you feel-”

 “I don’t feel.” He lied firmly. “I was merely stating my observations.” 

 “Logan please...Let’s just go down stairs and talk about it.” Patton said.

 Logan shook his head and closed the door. 

  He had barely managed to grab the bubbles again when there was a pounding on the door. He growled and ripped the door open. Bubble bottle still in his hand. “What!” He snapped at Roman.

 Roman didn’t say anything he just grabbed Logan’s arm and dragged him along downstairs. 

 Virgil and Patton were there, as were Remus and Janus. They were all settled into spots around the living room. They looked at him as Roman let go of his arm and then crossed his. 

  No one said anything. Logan raised an eyebrow. “Well?”

  “Why do you have bubbles?” Remus asked. Logan blinked and he had forgotten he was still holding them. 

 “None of your business. Can we get to the bottom of this so I can get back work?” Logan asked.

 “You weren’t working.” Janus said.

 “What do you want?” Logan asked.

 “We want to apologize. We didn’t mean to make you feel...excluded.” Patton said. “We never meant to hurt you.” 

 “You didn’t. Apology is unnecessary. Can I leave now?” Logan said sharply.

 Janus snorted, “You know that I’m here right?”

 “Surprisingly I had noticed that.” Logan grit out. Snapping out of his head space too early was always unpleasant. 

 “So I can tell that you’re lying.”

 “Fine I’m upset that none of you ever listened to me! I’m tired of being pushed to the side and my options to be discarded! I am also tired of you trying to drag me out of my room when I just want to be left alone!” He snapped. He looked Janus dead in the eye and ignored everyone else's mixed reactions to his words. “Happy?”

  Janus clapped. “Close but you’re still lying.” 

 Logan took a breath. “Where is the lie?”

 “I just want to be left alone.” Janus said mimicking Logan’s voice. “You don’t really want to be alone do you?” 

 “Of..Of course I do.” Logan said.

 “It’s ok to want company.” Patton said.

 “You’re always welcome to join us when we-” Roman started.

 “Am I? Do you all really want me around? Or is this just to relieve you of your own guilt!” He said. With that he stormed off. 

 He slammed his door shut and locked it. He slammed the bubble bottle on his deck. He wasn’t going to be able to relax now. He was too worked up. 

 That didn’t stop his head space though. He dropped and was crying in seconds. Tears poured down his face and stumbled over to his bed and curled up under his blankets. He felt awful and he just wanted a hug.

 But he couldn’t ask for one. He had yelled at them! They didn’t like him...not really. 

 Someone’s hand started stroking his hair. He froze. 

 “You’ve got to stop lying to yourself. You’ll only get more hurt.” Janus said softly.

 Logan sobbed. He peeked out at Janus. “Would you like a hug?”

 Logan nodded. Janus pulled him into one. “It’s ok. We do care about you. We just don’t show it well enough.” 

 “Hurts.” Logan said, clutching his chest.

  “I know...We’ll fix it. I promise.” Janus said. He stayed there holding Logan for awhile until the crying stopped. Then he pulled back. “Is there anything you want to do now?”

 Logan hesitated. Janus spoke up, “I don’t care if it seems silly.”

 “Bubbles.” Logan said, looking at the bottle on the desk.

 Janus  smiled, “I think we can handle that.” 

 The two sat on the floor blowing bubbles. Logan felt a lot better as he watched them float around. Janus didn’t seem to mind when he would giggle or pop a bubble but clapped his hands on it. He seemed pleased that Logan was feeling better.

[eliemo]

Living in Denial

Janus’s pov in “Waiting Arms”

Summary: Janus had been a careful observer lately, noting with a sort of sad fondness how the other sides treated Virgil. He'd never seen him so content.

TWs: mention of past abuse

Masterpost

Taglist: @self-taught-mess @itawalrus @mygenderisidiot @a-very-gay-raccoon @dawnfire7 @cr4zyart @ray-does-stuff @whydoifeeltheneedtoorganizestuff @bunny222  @the-blue-recluse @bisexualdisaster106 (let me know if you want to be added or if I missed you)

To his own credit, Janus had been piecing things together before Roman even walked in the room.

He’d been a careful observer lately, noting with a sort of sad fondness how the other sides treated Virgil. They were careful around him, but not overly so. The four of them were clearly close, a tight knit “family” as they called it.

It wasn’t Janus’s department, but he could see the love and adoration in their eyes when they looked at each other. He’d never seen Virgil so...content. It was a bittersweet feeling.

So the idea that Roman, Patton, and Logan had been physically abusing Virgil this entire time didn’t quite add up. In fact, it seemed a rather ridiculous conclusion to come to.

If Virgil hadn’t been trembling on the floor, begging him and Remus not to hurt him (hurt him again), and shakily confessing that he had been hurt before, it never would have crossed Janus’s mind as a possibility.

And so, it wasn’t hard to come to the realization that Virgil probably hadn't been talking about to light sides.

By all logical reasoning (Logan would be pleased) he’d been talking about the Others. The less prominent, sometimes cruel parts of Thomas that would never fully manifest. The sides he, Virgil, and Remus had unfortunately spent a lot of time around for quite a few years.

Virgil’s behavior, his words, his panic, the way the light sides acted around him, it all pointed to the glaringly obvious conclusion that Virgil was recovering from the treatment the others had put him through.

Janus put the pieces together in a matter of seconds. He’d then promptly shoved it aside and jumped on board with Remus’s assumption as he stood in front of his brother, keeping Roman away from the anxious side falling deeper and deeper into panic on the kitchen floor.

Maybe it was selfish, but he could blame it on the fact that he wasn’t thinking very clearly at the moment.

He’d snarled at Roman, demanding the Prince explain what he’d done to Virgil, despite being almost entirely convinced at this point that Roman had done nothing but help him feel safe. Possibly for the first time in Anxiety’s life.

He denied the truth, despite how plainly it was laid out in front of him, because it was easier. Because accepting the truth meant accepting the fact that Virgil had undergone horrible treatment and Janus had done nothing.

All the nagging doubts he’d brushed aside, all the little white lies he’d caught onto and ignored, all the shaking hands and wide eyed, haunted looks that he’d chalked up to just another one of Virgil’s eccentricities. (He was Anxiety, after all, he was bound to be a bit jumpy by nature) All of that had been years of abuse, neglect, and mistreatment hidden in plain sight.

That little voice in the back of his head telling him something was wrong had been right. And that...that was terrifying.

So in the moment, he’d denied it. That was what he did best, after all.

But denial would only get a person so far. Denial would only crash and burn and spread into a devastating fire.

Because despite how hard he was trying, very little was going to be able to convince Virgil that Janus’s intent wasn’t to harm him. Not until he calmed down.

And then Virgil was gone, sinking out away from the noise in the kitchen, and Janus couldn’t honestly say he was surprised, alarmed as he was.

“Get off me, you idiot!”

Janus glanced behind him, shoulders sagging at the sight of the brothers. Roman had tried to push past Remus, the Duke grabbing the Prince’s sash and shoving him back, and Deceit knew if it was only a matter of seconds until someone threw a punch.

But in the moment, Janus couldn’t move, the loathsome truth fighting its way to the surface no matter how much he hated it, still kneeled on the kitchen rug.

The rug...the rug that definitely hadn’t always been there. The rug they’d placed beneath the cabinets seemingly out of nowhere one day. The rug that didn’t particularly go with the rest of the room.

Janus had once made a snide comment he didn’t really mean to Logan, offhandedly mentioning that they should get rid of it. He’d never seen the logical side grow so righteously defensive so quickly.

There had been a similar occurrence when he’d brought up the cups the light sides used. The plastic cups…

The truth was piecing itself together, and Janus thought he might be sick.

“What’s going on?”

Patton’s voice, frantic and confused, was flooding the kitchen before Deceit could pull himself together and reign in the chaos, the moral side skidding to a stop in the kitchen doorway.

And before Janus could stop him, Remus was releasing his hold on his brother and whirling around to face Morality.

“What the fuck have you done?”

The moral side paled, eyes going wide, and Janus wondered if anyone had ever had the audacity to swear at Patton before.

“I- what? Remus, calm--”

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” Remus was still clutching his Morning Star, and Roman was carefully moving to put himself in between the two sides. “Tell me what the fuck you’ve done to Virgil!”

It was like a string had been cut. Patton’s face dropped, something dangerous hardening in his eyes. His gaze went to Janus on the rug still stained with spilled water, then to Roman shakily hovering in the middle of the chaos.

“Where’s Virgil?” Patton asked, and Janus had never heard Morality sound so cold. “Roman--”

“He sank out,” Janus said, finally finding his voice for the first time since Virgil had disappeared. “I was...attempting to calm him down.”

“Oh god.”

Remus reached for Patton’s arm as the moral side turned away and Janus quickly forced himself to speak again, beyond grateful for the way his words didn’t tremble.

“Let him go, Remus,” he said. “It wasn’t them.”

Remus turned to him, incredulous, but dropped his hand all the same, Morning Star still held tight in the other. Patton threw him a questioning glance, but was hurrying through the doorway without another word.

He nearly ran right into a slightly disheveled Logan’s chest.

“What on earth?” He frowned when Patton didn’t answer, barreling past the logical side and out of the kitchen. “I heard yelling, is--”

“What do you mean it wasn’t them?” Remus was spinning around to face Janus, completely ignoring Logan’s tired confusion. “Virgil just said--”

“You're not listening! ” Roman jumped in, and Janus watched Logan quietly take in the scene. “If you would just calm down and let us explain--”  

“Roman.”

Janus didn’t jump- not quite. He would never allow himself to so visibly lose his composure, never in front of so many people. But Logan’s voice, the look in his eyes, was more than enough to bring silence to the room.

When Deceit looked up at Logan, it was like reading an open book. Janus could pick up on lies, read between lines like a second language, but with the logical side there really was never any need.

Logan, for all the times he claimed not to feel, felt more clearly, more strongly than even Patton. He felt and expressed his emotions more intensely than any of them, all while adamantly denying their existence.

And right now, Janus only needed a single glance to see Logan’s anger.

“What happened?” he asked, eyes on the Prince, voice steely calm. “Where is Virgil?”

There was worry beneath the anger, but not nearly enough at the moment to grant them any mercy.

“He was having an attack,” Roman explained, defenses dropping, and it was clearly a frequent enough event that Logan instantly knew what he meant. “I was trying to help him but they wouldn’t let me!”

Janus would never admit it, and he wondered if Remus felt the same, but something about Roman’s aggression sent a pang of...something though his chest. Something that hurt.

He deserved it, he knew. He wasn’t even close to being one of them. He might never be. But he’d been making strides lately, small as they were.

Now, it was like being back on the outside looking in.

But that didn’t matter right now. What mattered is that Remus was quiet, and Janus needed to keep it that way before someone threw a punch.

“I think it is safe to assume,” Logan was saying before Janus could gather his thoughts. “That Janus and Remus have no knowledge of Virgil’s previous treatment. They were trying to protect him.”

“All I know,” Janus said, the bite to his words the last defense he had left. “Is that Virgil was convinced he was going to be beaten. Again. We were a bit caught off guard, so forgive us for taking initiative, Roman.”

“And look where your initiative got you!”

“So what you’re saying,” Logan snapped, turning back to the twins before Janus could retort. “Is that Virgil had already been triggered into a panic attack, and you two decided to have a shouting match five feet away from him?”

Roman had the decency to look guilty, the fight deflating completely from his stance, but Janus couldn’t find it in him to be relieved. Not when Remus was looking progressively more and more panicked beside him.

“I was- I was just trying to help! I thought you--”

“Living room.” Logan’s voice was cold, and even Janus couldn’t shut the Duke down that easily. “All of you. Now.”

Janus, for once, didn’t argue, and he suddenly realized he still hadn’t moved from his crouch on the kitchen rug.

Regaining what little dignity he had left, Deceit quickly picked himself back up, absently brushed off his clothes like he wasn’t just barely numb enough to avoid breaking down completely, and stalked right past the others, all while ignoring the death glares Roman and Remus were sending each other.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately- he really wasn’t in a headspace to have his worst fears confirmed), the dreaded conversation wasn’t yet ready to happen.

“Logan!”

Patton was barreling down the stairs, eyes only on the logical side, trembling and frantic, and Janus felt something uneasy clawing at his tightening throat.

Remus had moved to the couch, perched on the arm with his legs crossed, watching the others uneasily. He kept glancing at Janus, but Deceit couldn’t bring himself to look over.

“He’s not there,” Patton hissed, voice laced with panic as he gripped Logan’s sleeve. “He’s not- he’s not in his room, I can’t find him I can’t--”

“Patton, please attempt to calm yourself.”

“He’s gone again!” Patton’s voice caught, eyes welling with tears, and Janus quickly turned away. “It’s happening again, he...what if he- Logan I can’t let this happen again!”

There it was, once more. Again. It was going to happen again. Virgil didn’t want to be hurt anymore.

All of it. Over and over again for god only knew how long. And Janus, priding himself on being a silent observer, on always knowing more than he let on, had just...he’d just…

Janus was sinking out of the living room before he really had time to wrap his head around where he was going, He tried not to think about the irony of following in Virgil’s footsteps.

But if Virgil wasn’t in his room, something that was clearly alarmingly familiar to the others, then Janus was almost positive he knew where he was.

He’d practically said it himself in his panic, a shred of safety he’d desperately clung onto.

“Hey, you’re ok.”

The words were already filtering in by the time Janus appeared beside the staircase in Thomas’s living room, dread already lessening at the apparent lack of panic in the host’s voice.

“You’re ok, bud. You’re safe. It’ll be ok when you wake up.”

Virgil was on the couch (Janus hadn’t quite expected to feel the relief that strongly, legs threatening to give out beneath him), eyes closed and breathing beginning to slow.

Thomas was kneeling on the floor beside him, one hand carding through Virgil’s hair, the other carefully interlocked with the anxious side’s, speaking soft reassurances as he slowly drifted off.

Thomas was a good person. Janus knew that, despite any arguments he may have made in the past for the sake of proving a point.

Thomas was compassionate. He cared, more than anyone. And yet it still caught Janus off guard to see him act so gentle towards Anxiety.

With theories of what had happened to Virgil in the past forming in his head, Janus decided that was for the best. Virgil needed people to be gentle with him.

He wished he’d been able to offer that.

Janus was taking a step forward before he could stop himself, voice much smaller than he would have liked. “Thomas?”

Thomas froze and fell silent, shoulders tensing slightly, but he didn’t turn away from a now still and quiet Virgil.

For a moment the living room was quiet, and Janus wondered if he should just duck out, hurry and tell the others that Virgil was safe.

But he couldn’t move, completely frozen once again, and Thomas let out a quiet sigh.

“It’s not your fault,” he said, and Janus did not care for being thrown off by his own host. That was his job. But Thomas was continuing before he had the chance to come up with an answer. “Can you grab me a blanket from the closet?”

Janus opened his mouth to respond, something sarcastic and witty automatically at the tip of his tongue, but then his eyes fell back onto Virgil, the guilt flooding back, and any usual snark died in his throat.

“Of course.”

Thomas had a few blankets folded up on the closet shelf, and Janus carefully took the softest one in there- a dark gray comforter he thought he might have seen Virgil use before.

Wordlessly, he handed it over to Thomas and watched as he draped it over Virgil, careful not to wake the anxious side.

“He’ll be ok,” Thomas said, and took a shaky breath. “Did you...did you know?”

“Oh yes.” There was no use in even trying to control his own response. “I was fully aware that Virgil was being horrifically abused every time I had my back turned. I stood there and did absolutely nothing to stop it. Is that what you want to hear?”

Thomas was staring at him, probably watching Deceit with that unbearably gentle gaze, but Janus refused to look. He kept his eyes on Virgil, gloved hands clutching his own sleeve, refusing to acknowledge the fact that he’d started to shake.

As awful as it was, as selfish and cruel as it was, he wished the light sides had been the ones hurting Virgil. He wished this was something recent. He wished there was an excuse for not noticing.

“Janus?”

It took him a moment to realize that wasn’t Thomas speaking, Patton now beside him in front of the couch. Thomas was nowhere in sight, and Janus had no idea how long he’d been standing here.

“Can you head back to the mindscape, please?” Patton asked, a hand coming to rest on Janus’s arm. He didn’t pull away. “The others wanna talk to you.”

Janus scoffed, still frozen in place. “You all must be thrilled. Finally an excuse to send the dark sides back where they came from.”

He didn’t spare Patton anything more than a cautious glance, but it was enough to see his eyes filled with a disgusting amount of sympathy.

“We know you would never hurt Virgil,” Patton said. “Remus wouldn’t either. We all know that. I trust you, Janus.”

Janus shook his head, throat far too tight to form a coherent answer, taking a moment to breathe. “Are you coming?”

“Not yet,” Patton said. “I...think I need to stay with him. Just for right now.”

And Janus supposed he understood that. A part of him wanted so desperately to stay, to never let Virgil out of his sight again just to be absolutely sure he was safe.

But he didn’t have the right to make that request. Not when he’d clearly failed so spectacularly at keeping him out of harm’s way before.

He sank out without another word, trusting Patton to do what he couldn't.

The living room in the mindscape was almost exactly the scene he had expected. Logan and Roman were on the couch, the Prince scowling at Remus who was pacing the floor, whatever rant he was going on falling silent as soon as Janus reappeared.

The Duke’s eyes lit up as soon as he saw him, brimming with unabashed hope and desperation, and Janus’s heart sank when he realized what Remus wanted.

Remus was waiting for a better explanation, for Janus to assure him that what the light sides were saying wasn’t true. That Virgil hadn’t been beaten behind their backs for years.

God, Janus wished he could offer him that.

Instead, he moved over to the empty armchair, sat down with his hands folded in his lap, and steadily met Logan’s gaze.

“Tell me what they did to him.”

He didn’t look away. Not when Remus stormed out of the room and a door slammed somewhere in the mindscape a few seconds later, not when Janus’s gut twisted in anger and disgust when Logan told him details.

He did, however, begin to feel like he might throw up when they explained that Virgil had been taught that it was normal.

“Janus.”

Janus hadn’t realized he’d stood from the chair, already moving towards the stairs until Logan was suddenly following him, voice curt and pained. Deceit forced himself to turn back around.

“I can’t say that I fully trust you yet,” Logan said, and Janus almost laughed at the logical side’s bluntness. “And I have my differences with Remus. But I know you two would never hurt Virgil. I know you would have stopped it if you’d known.”

Of course he would have. If he’d ever caught one of the others in the act, ever seen the abuse in action, it never ever would have happened again. No one would dare.

And they’d known that. So they’d hidden it. And Janus had never thought to look deeper into the little, seemingly meaningless lies. The way sometimes Virgil would be limping…

God, what the fuck was wrong with him? How on earth was anybody willing to accept him when it had all been his fault?

But he didn’t say any of that. There was no excuse, no reason to drag this on any longer than was needed.

“Alright,” he said instead, continuing up the stairs. “Tell me when he wakes up.”

Janus thought briefly about checking in on Remus, but quickly decided he couldn’t bear to see his own guilt mirrored in the Duke’s horror.

Later. They would talk about this later.

Instead he locked himself in his room, doubting anyone would come looking for him but fully prepared to turn them away if they did. He didn’t want to face anyone right now. He didn’t plan on leaving until Virgil was awake.

He stayed there in silence until Patton softly knocked hours later, the sky dark and his head heavy, nervously informing him through the door that Virgil was awake and up for visitors.

And in those hours, if he’d let his walls down and privately lost his carefully upheld composure, well...no one needed to know.

All that was left to do was move forward, and make sure Virgil knew he would never be hurt again. Janus wouldn’t let him. Not again.

[janus-stanus]

Initial thoughts on the new Asides

having just finished my first watch-through of the episode, here’s what’s stuck with me. putting it all under a read more because, ya know, spoilers

“This episode is important to the overall story” Thomas sir I think you forgot the point of it being an Asides episode

Congrats to character!Thomas on his new boyfriend! I wonder how this will play into ongoing arcs...

That SURE WAS an episode about Janus for him not appearing AT ALL

Like there’s a lot of subtext throughout that I’m gonna have to go back and analyze later relating to him, cause WOO BOY

I half expected one of them to be him impersonating them at some points, istg

I mean, it makes sense why these two would be so freaked out at Thomas feeding into Deceit. Though I’m assuming Virgil still doesn’t know everything that happed in Putting Other First?

“If you start a relationship based on lies, what’s it gonna lead to down the road?” I dunno Virgil, you tell us, since you lived with the embodiment of Thomas’s Deceit

I’d like to think that line and the following - “Will Deceit be the answer to all your problems? Is that really fair to him?” - are hinting at their past, even if Virgil didn’t mean them that way.

Especially when the conclusion Thomas reaches is “No, he’s better off without me.” That could be angsty in either direction

I REALLY wanted Janus to pop up right after that and slap some sense into him. Like, that’s the only thing I was really disappointed in by this whole ep (that and very little facial acting from Thomas but that’s a trade-off I’m willing to accept)... but I get that they’re saving the Janus/Virgil stuff for the next ep, so.

Prinxiety stans sure are feeling some type of way, I bet

And hey, Roman stans. “Roman you're making a mistake" "If I am, I'll add it to the list”. How you guys feeling? Especially considering we just, kinda, move past that line

And hey, this is the second episode in a row where mistakes and Roman are referenced together. When Janus said, “Let’s talk about something we’re both familiar with, Roman: mistakes”, remember that? You’re welcome.

The whole bathroom monologue? I imagine that’s the one Thomas said was so good he’d be willing to use it for an audition. It was, in fact, very good. And Thomas having no clue what he wants these days plays into both Roman and Janus angst (Thomas wanting to be a good person versus wanting to be selfish and achieve his dreams) and I love it very much

Roman looking into the mirror for the monologue reminded me of that line from Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts. You know the one.

And if Roman really was implying that Thomas should call on Patton when he said “speak from the heart”, that means that, even after Putting Others First, Roman still thinks he should hand the reigns over to Patton when he can’t come up with an answer for Thomas.

On a less angsty note... “Yeah, join me! No thinking!” Roman has confirmed himself as a himbo in-series

Small headcanon: Janus was the one keeping the three of them from screaming on their way back from the mall (you know, cause hands over mouths). Just because he didn’t want Thomas to embarrass himself; I’m sure he was (internally) screaming the whole time too

Just when I thought things were winding down, Virgil’s eyeshadow at the end just, was like that. I guess it turns purple when he’s super happy? Who’s gonna be the first to write a fic about that?

I dunno how to feel about that slow zoom in on Virgil’s face journey at the end... about him being worried if this means everything will change...

I think those are the main things, for now. I got homework to do so I’ll wait until later today to rewatch.

Except the bathroom scene, rewatching that rn, see ya

[iamjustyouraveragefander]

Can I request one where remus is pinning over Logan and Logan being perfectly fine on the outside but having a gay crisis on the inside because "feelings"until one day in the middle of a fight Roman accidentally yells about remus's crush and remus gets so embarrassed he sinks out almost crying and shit goes down from there 'till there's a confrontation where remus can't escape any longer from logan?

Ask, and ye shall receive!

Hope you don’t mind, but I also sprinkled in some background pining Roman as well!

Word Count: 3,217

It had started off small, the unnamed feeling Remus would get whenever he was around Logan.

He first noticed it a few months after he and Roman had separated. While Patton was focused on getting Roman settled in, Logan took Remus to Deceit and Virgil, asking them to keep an eye on the dark side of creativity. Not even a few minutes after the creative side’s stay, they discovered he didn’t have much control over his powers. Thus, resulting in Logan coming in to help draw up a place—with the help of Remus—where he could learn how to better handle his capabilities and ideas without constantly disturbing the others. It would have been rather lonely, spending most of his time there, had Logan and Deceit not made the occasional visit to check up on him.

“Okay, but think about this!” Remus exclaimed excitedly, one day in his given part of the mindscape, pacing back and fourth on his stage, the only light coming from a hole in the ceiling that was letting the sun shine on the dirty, dark theater room, “Bras,” he paused dramatically, turning to face Logan, who had seated himself in one of the front row chairs, notebook in hand, “For your butt!”

Logan raised an eyebrow at the obsertity of the statement, “Remus, why would your butt even need a bra?” he asked, jotting down various notes in his book.

“To make your booty pop!” the dark side replied, making a gesture with his hand, a wide grin on his face.

Logan raised his eyebrow a little higher, pausing his writing to fully look at Remus.

There was a beat of silence.

Remus huffed, crossing his arms and shooting a glare off to the side, “Oh, shut up, it’s a good idea!” he snapped.

“In theory,” the logical side offered, a small smile gracing his features, “I suppose it has some potential.”

The dark side’s voice caught in his throat at the smile. It was one of the first times Logan had ever shown any emotion, aside from mild curiosity, and Remus would be lying if he said the smile didn’t look breathtaking on him, “That suits you,” he quietly stated.

Logan blinked, “What does?” he asked, his smile disappearing back into it’s neutral look.

“Ah,” Remus nervously coughed into his fist, “Your smile,” he explained slowly, praying that Logan wouldn’t notice the sudden blush on his face, “It, uh… It looks… nice, on you.”

Another blink from Logan as he felt a sudden emotion he couldn’t name figuratively latch onto his heart, “Uh, well, thank you…” he quietly replied, the small smile returning, “I will… I will try and smile more often, then…”

Shortly after that, Remus had found himself thinking about the logical side more often, creating stories where the two would travel on adventures together, and occasionally acting them out in his theater when he was sure that no one was watching.

On very rare occasions, he would go into Logan’s mindscape and explore, or he would discover said side and strike up a conversation with him, talking about various ideas that were plaguing his mind.

It didn’t take long for a certain light side to notice the shift in atmosphere whenever the pair were in the same room. Roman knew right away that Remus had a crush on Logan, and Logan, well, he wasn’t so sure, if he was being honest. The logical side was a lot harder to read compared to the others, but he did have his suspicions.

One thing that frustrated the prince severely was neither of them acknowledging their strange relationship. In fact, the only time Roman could even get his brother to label his feelings towards Logan was by asking, and even then that was a whole mess and a half.

“He really is fascinating,” Remus hummed, watching Logan, discuss something with Deceit from a distance, his brother by his side, “I was surprised when he actually listened to my ideas willingly—hey, did you notice he has a nice smile?” the duke suddenly asked, a longing in his eyes that Roman had never seen in them before, “Because he does. It’s a lovely smile. Have you ever seen him smile?”

Roman had seen the logical side smile, and it was rather lovely, but his feelings about Logan aside, he turned to his brother, gently drumming his fingertips on the hilt of his sword, “Do you love him?”

“Er, w—what?” Remus couldnt help but stutter out in reply, turning his attention to the prince, his face going a shade of pink. He had long since acknowledged he enjoyed Logan’s company, but he never put a name on his feelings such as “like” or “love,” possibly out of his own fear of being rejected.

“Do you love him?” Roman repeated, despite knowing the answer.

Remus swallowed, turning his focus back to Logan, “I…” he trailed off, feeling his stomach churn, “No…” he lied.

Roman couldn’t help but smile softly, his gaze shifting back to Logan, “You’re secrets safe with me,” he replied simply.

“What secret?” Remus couldn’t help but laugh nervously.

Before the prince could reply, Logan had cut their conversation short, “Roman, we can head out! I’ve reached an agreement with Deceit!” he called to the other light side.

“Right, coming!” Roman quickly made his way over to Logan, wishing the two dark sides well. He noticed Logan do the same, only his gaze seemed to linger on Remus for several seconds before he actually turned to face the direction he was walking in.

“I think that went well,” Logan commented, “Hopefully Thomas will feel better about the situation, as well,” he continued, breifly glancing over the notebook he had scribbled down various things in.

Roman gave a small hum in reply, thinking over his words carefully, “Logan, what do you think of my brother?” he finally asked after a moment of thought. He knew it would be a horrible idea to ask Logan if he loved the dark side directly, especially since the logical side was… well… Logic, and logic didn’t mix well with emotions.

Logan flicked his gaze form his notes to the prince, raising an eyebrow curiously, “Uh, well…” he slowly began, “He’s very… odd, to say the least,” he paused, gaze thoughtful, “But, his idea’s are rather interesting, and he can be very fascinating to observe sometimes,” he explained, a faint smile resting on his face.

The prince blinked, ignoring the weight in his chest, “So, you like him?” his voice was a little quieter than before, as if the question was one he wasn’t sure he should have asked.

“I suppose so,” Logan quickly replied, his face going into that neutral look, “As I said, he is very interesting, and I don’t necessarily hate his company.”

There it is, Roman couldn’t help but think. Logan was showing no emotion, once again, and Roman silently wished he knew what was going through the teacher’s mind.

Do I like Remus? Logan couldnt help but wonder, Of course, I do enjoy his company, and he does make me smile, but that’s all. I don’t necessarily… love him… Logan cleared his throat, quickly picking up his pace, “We’d better hurry and let Thomas know about the arrangement,” he spoke hurriedly, trying to ignore the figurative weight that pressed down on him. No, he couldn’t love Remus… could he? And if he did, would Remus even feel the same way?

————

Several months had passed, and during those months, Remus was practically glued to Logan’s side, talking to him about a number of different things, showing him drawings he made, acting out plays for him. Logan didn’t seem to mind the company, occasionally showing Remus schedule’s he was working on, or read aloud to him.

The amount of time the pair spent together, began to worry Patton and Virgil, both fearing that Remus could have something sinister planned for the logical side.

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” Roman had reassured them, the three sides watching Logan and Remus converse from a distance.

“Seriously?” Virgil asked, shooting a glare at Roman, “We shouldn’t worry about your insane twin brother, who regularly attacks you and everyone else on a daily bases?”

“Virgil’s right,” Patton piped in, “We can’t just stand here and not worry about—”

Roman held up a hand to silence Patton, gesturing to the light and dark side, ignoring the way his throat tightened, “Look,” he stated.

Virgil and Patton complied, their eyes going wide at the sight of Logan, who was laughing, and even smiling, along with Remus.

“You don’t have to worry about them,” Roman muttered quietly, almost as if he was speaking to himself, “They’re doing just fine.”

————

A few more months went by, and Remus and Logan still hadn’t brought up their feelings to the other.

Until one particular day, when Thomas was filming a video. Everything was going somewhat well, until Remus had showed up, causing Virgil and Patton to grow tense, and Roman to start a fight with his twin about ruining his scene.

“It was all going well until you showed up!” the prince snapped, shooting a hard glare at Remus.

“Oh, please, we all know you were doing horribly before I was even in the room, I mean, come on!” Remus began to mimic Roman’s actions he had been doing earlier, a grin on his face, “We all know you could do better than that!”

The argument was petty. Everyone in the room knew that. Remus was just trying to get under Roman’s skin, and vise versa. Logan would have spoken up, but wasn’t sure what he should say, and the two brothers were arguing so loud, he doubted they’d hear him even if he had spoken.

“Oh, yeah, well—” Roman stuttered out, mind searching for some type of retort, “At least—at least I can deal with my feelings! Unlike you!” Roman snapped, gesturing to Logan, “I mean, how hard is it to just tell Logan you love him?”

There was a beat of silence as the words spoken slowly sank into everyone in the room.

Patton and Virgil exchanged a discomforting look, Thomas kept his gaze on Roman and Remus, fearful of what was going to happen next, and Logan… well… Logan felt a very heavy weight that had been building up over many years lift off of him. He knew the dark side had liked him for quite a long time, but it felt relieving to hear Roman confirm his suspicions.

Remus swallowed, “You…” he trailed off doing his best to hold back the tears that were attempting to force their way out. He quickly sank out, no witty retort, no snide comment, just that single, broken word that left him.

Shit, Roman thought, he royally screwed up.

“What just happened…?” Thomas slowly asked, flicking his gaze between the four sides that still occupied the room.

“You’re brother is in love with Logan?” Virgil’s voice held a hint of disgust to it that caused Logan to give him a sideways glare that went unnoticed by the others.

Patton ran a hand through his hair, as if something in the back of his mind had just clicked in to place, “Oh my gosh, how did I not realize that sooner?” he exclaimed, “All of the signs were there, and I just ignored them!”

“But it’s Remus!” Virgil shifted his gaze to Patton, as if the moral side could shed some light on the subject, “How could he love any one?”

“Just because he’s a, quote, “Dark Side,” doesn’t mean he has the inability to love someone,” Logan finally cut in, gaining the attention of Virgil and Thomas.

Roman was still staring at the floor where his brother had once been, thoughts racing. He was such an idiot. He quickly glanced around the room to make sure no one was looking before he quickly left in search of Remus.

Patton was still listening to the conversation, but his mind was also thinking back to all of the times he’d seen Logan and Remus together. All the little signs he’d missed before, just because he was fearful of Remus doing harm to Logan.

“But, Logan, it’s Remus,” Thomas quietly replied, unsure of what else to say.

“And?” Logan huffed, crossing his arms, “Am I not capable of love either, because I’m Logic?” he asked, eyebrow raised, waiting for a retort from the others.

“Of course not!” Patton exclaimed excitedly, clasping his hands together, a wide smile spreading across his face, “You love Remus just as much as he loves you!” he chirped.

Logan blinked several times, swallowing hard, “Patton, don’t you think that’s a stretch?” he nervously asked, hands gripping at his tie, “I don’t… I don’t love Remus, I just—” he paused as if searching for the right words.

Patton offered Logan a reassuring smile, “Kiddo,” his voice was a little softer than before, “You do love him, and that’s okay!” he flicked his gaze between Virgil and Thomas, “We were all just too worried to notice your feelings in the first place,” he explained, focusing his attention back to Logan.

Virgil sighed in exasperation, “Yeah, you’re right,” he muttered, turning his attention to Logan, “I’m sorry, Logan, it’s just…” Virgil made a small gesture with his hand, “I’ve known Remus for a while, to the point where I didn’t see how much he had changed around you,” he tried, nervously tugging at the sleeves of his hoodie.

Logan smiled softly, “It’s alright, Virgil,” he replied, “I suppose I should have taken better account of your worries…”

“Uh, guys, I hate to interrupt,” Thomas cut in, shifting his gaze to the empty TV area, “But, has anyone seen Roman?”

————

“Remus!” Roman called out as he ran through the dark mindscape, nearly tripping over several up rooted trees as he made his way to the abandoned theater Remus had created for himself, “Remus, I’m sorry!” he felt his stomach twist with dread, “I’m a selfish jerk, and I shouldn’t have said what I did!”

He finally came to a stop in one of the open doorways of the theater, taking several deep breaths as he leaned against the doorframe, noticeably exhausted from running so fast.

“You know, it’s funny,” Remus’ quiet voice broke through the silence.

Roman looked up, immediately spotting the dark side seated on the edge of the stage, gaze fixed on the torn up, carpeted floor. He swallowed thickly, pushing himself up off the doorframe with his hand and slowly approching his twin, “What is?” he offered quietly, gaze soft.

“I’m not even mad at you,” the duke replied, turning his gaze to Roman and offering a pained smile, tears threatening to slip from his eyes.

There was a pause as the two brothers stared at each other, almost as if they were having a silent conversation, which ended in Remus making a small gesture towards the empty space beside him and Roman lifting himself up onto the stage, taking a seat next to Remus.

They sat in silence for several seconds.

“I’m not mad at you, because,” the dark side began, turning his focus from the floor to Roman, “At least now, I can stop fooling myself into thinking I have a chance with him,” his voice nearly broke. It just about tore Roman’s heart into pieces.

“No, that’s not true,” the light side reassured, placing a gentle hand on Remus’ shoulder, “He could still have the same feelings towards you as you do for him,” he smiled softly, “I mean, he might not be good with emotions, but—”

“He’s right!” Patton cut in.

Remus and Roman blinked, turning their attention to the sudden group of sides that had entered the theater.

Logan cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his head nervously, “He is correct,” he replied in that forced state of neutrality, “I…” his gaze shifted between the other sides, almost as if he was embarrassed to say anything out loud.

“We’ll leave you two be,” Roman slowly spoke up, sliding down from his seat beside Remus and making his way towards the exit, Patton and Virgil trudging along behind him. That hadn’t gone far, making themselves comfortbalr a few feet by the door.

There was a beat of silence before Logan approched Remus, taking a seat in the place that Roman had previously been, “Roman is right,” he stated, his gaze fixed out onto the rows of seats, almost as if he was lost in thought, hands anxiously gripping at his tie, “I do… I do care for you a very great deal,” he explained, his gaze soft.

“Do you?” Remus found himself asking, as if he wanted reassurance that he wasn’t just dreaming this entire interaction, “Really?”

Logan gave a small hum in reply, taking a deep breath as he turning his attention to the dark side. He wanted to say the words that had been stuck in his throat ever since they started spending more and more time together, “I love you,” the words were spoken delicately as Logan gently took hold of Remus’ hand, staring into his eyes.

The world seemed to pause, as if it was trying to registere the words that had been spoken. Remus opened his mouth to reply, finding his throat closing up. He had to have been dreaming, right? There was no way Logan felt the same way towards him.

Logan smiled softly, grip tightening ever so slightly, “I love you, Remus,” he repeated, voice still quiet.

Remus couldn’t help the nervous laugh that left him at the statement, “I love you too,” he managed, gnawing on his bottom lip as the words settled into the air, blinking back tears that were ready to burst from his eyes.

“Just kiss already!” Roman shouted from in the doorway, causing both Logan and Remus to jump in surprise and shift their gaze to the prince, watching as Patton pulled him away from the door, snapping at him for ruining the moment and quickly apologizing, telling them to carry on with their conversation.

The light and dark side turned their attention back to each other, unable to contain their laughter. Remus quickly pulled Logan into a kiss, wrapping his arms around the light side’s wast. Logan returned the kiss, unable to stop the smile that rested on his face.

The group of light sides sighed in exhaustion, “Who knew getting people to confess their feelings would be this draining,” Roman muttered, rubbing his tired eyes.

Patton nodded in agreement, “It was fun though,” he replied quietly, stretching out his arms.

“It’s about damn time,” Deceit’s voice cut through the conversation, causing the side’s to nearly squeak in surprise at his sudden appearance beside them.

“Wait a second, you knew?” Virgil asked, eyeing Deceit with mild surprise.

“Of course I didn’t, what do you take me for? An intellectual?” he replied, an amused smile on his face. His gaze breifly rested on Roman, offering him a sympathetic look.

Roman replied with a brief, forced smile before quickly turning his gaze off to the side, his smile deflating, “Let’s give them some privacy,” he quietly spoke up, starting his walk out of the mindscape, the other’s trailing behind him, all talking quietly amongst themselves.

Intrulogical Tag List:

@lostonehero | @aleiimm |

If anyone would like to be added to the list, feel free to let me know!

[noblest-roman-of-all]

abandon

i figured id try my hand at one of those inktober style writing prompt challenges, so here we go! first up: abandon

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When he was a kid, Remus had a family. He had a brother, a twin brother at that! They were pretty different, but Remus really didn’t care that much. They would spend hours coming up with crazy stories about dragons and zombies and knights and magic, playing in their room where they could make anything happen. They called it the Imagination, and it was their kingdom. They ruled it together, the prince and the duke, making their own world everyday, then taking it apart and putting new ones together. 

He always thought Roman was happy with the way they did things. Sure, sometimes they’d argue about things, but they always ended up making something awesome out of it. They had all they needed with the two of them and their Imagination. Roman clearly didn’t think that though. He kept spending more and more time with the other sides, Patton and Logan. He knew Patton didn’t like him. He never stopped smiling, unless he saw Remus. It never bothered him though, because he had his brother. Until one day. 

Roman came back from playing with Patton and Logan, but something was wrong. Remus tried to tell him about his new idea for the Imagination, but Roman told him to shut up. He started yelling about how Remus was bad, he was broken. He said lots of things, but Remus only remembered the last part. 

“You’re not my brother. You’re everything I can’t be, everything I can’t let happen to Thomas. You need to leave.”

Remus tried to go back to the Imagination, but the door wouldn’t open for him anymore. He stood outside the door for hours, trying everything he could to get the door open, but nothing worked. He had ideas in there! Stories, monsters, worlds he needed to finish building! Roman was in there! It seemed like forever passed before he heard someone behind him. 

“It’s no use. You’re not welcome there anymore,” the voice said. He didn’t need to turn around to know that voice. It was one of the ones they didn’t let Thomas hear, didn’t let him know about. One of the bad guys.  

“You’re lying,” Remus sneered. “That’s your whole thing. Roman wouldn’t…” 

“Abandon you? He already has.” The sharp voice suddenly turned soft, almost sad. “I… I can give you a place. A family, without him.” A hand landed on Remus’ shoulder. Well, they did think he was a bad guy now. Might as well play the role. He was good at that. 

“... where to?”

For a long time after that, Remus had a family. Janus and Virgil were just as strange as he was, just as intense and just as hated by the rest of the sides. It made sense for them all to stick together, to wreak a little havoc. Freaky nightmares, little lies that snowball into a trainwreck, the voice in Thomas’s mind reminding him just how quickly everything can go wrong. It was fun, like getting to play again. His Imagination was no longer contained and quelled by Roman, he was free. He got to suggest all manner of strange, creepy and downright dirty ideas, and sometimes, Thomas actually considered them. And to top it all off, he had friends, family who understood him. 

Well, he thought they both did. 

Virgil had been acting weird, even weirder than he normally did. He had agreed to jump into videos to really antagonize the “light sides”, finally given a platform other than the mindscape they normally existed in. It had gone well for a while. Even if he didn’t always manage to keep Thomas anxious, he managed to unsettle him for a while, and he messed with the others a shit ton, which Remus personally counted as a win. It had been working, he thought. Until he noticed that Virgil would leave their dark little corner outside of videos, hanging around the others just for shits and giggles. 

Janus didn’t seem to mind that much, but Remus knew they were bad news. Knew how fast they would turn around and decide, you know what, you’re not worth it, not worth our time. He knew they would decide eventually that whatever pet project they were attempting with Virgil, they would get bored of it, and they would toss him out and break his heart. Remus didn’t want that to happen. So, he pulled a few strings. 

He started fucking with Roman more and more, pushing all of his buttons. He made sure to show his face around Patton, reminding him who Virgil’s real family was. He would pop up in Logan’s room to ask all sorts of nonsense questions, trying to tire him out and piss him off. And because Remus was an evil mastermind at heart, it started to work. The other sides would lose their temper with Virgil more and more often, pushing him aside and talking over him. He was so sure it would make Virgil resent them, make him turn back to the people who cared about him. 

He didn’t expect Virgil to duck out entirely. 

He really didn’t expect the other sides and Thomas to find him so quickly. 

He absolutely didn’t expect they would win him over. 

“I love my dark strange son.” What a load of horseshit, from the cardigan clad clown himself. 

Fine! If Virge wanted to get involved, leave him and Janus behind just so he could get his heart broken when the others inevitably changed their minds, remembered who he really was, and decided to abandon him in turn, that was all him. 

Remus just never thought he was the masochistic sort. 

For another three years, Remus had a family. Him and Janus got along swimmingly, better than he ever had with any other side. With Virgil out in the open, they decided they could make themselves known. If he’d thought getting to stretch his twisted creative muscles in the mindscape was fun, it was nothing compared to getting to pull out his biggest guns on Thomas in person. He also enjoyed that Janus seemed to come back from most of his encounters with them smug and content, which was usually the best state Janus could be in. Things were going well. 

Remus should’ve known that means someone’s about to leave him. 

It starts with the wedding. The stupid, stupid fucking wedding. He’s never wanted to bash his b- Roman over the head more than the moment he decided they were going to go to the wedding. Even if it gave him more material to work with, he knew it was going to result in a level of misery he didn’t want to deal with in the long run. He did end up getting to beat Ro up a little bit, but it didn’t satisfy him the way he wanted it to. 

What was worse than that, Janus started getting more and more irritable. Remus would find him pacing around his room, muttering as he steps over crumpled sheets of paper and open notebooks. He would snap at Remus in ways he never did before, pissed off over silly pranks that never phased him much before. 

You’d think by now, Remus would be an expert in recognizing when he was about to leave him behind. Some people just don’t learn, apparently. 

He did pay attention when he wasn’t around, though people never expect that. He heard everything that happened the night of the wedding. He heard how hurt Roman was, how confused Patton seemed, how angry Thomas was trying to not be. He heard Janus appear and diffuse the situation. 

He heard Janus tell them his name. 

“Roman, thank god you don't have a mustache. Otherwise, between you and Remus, I wouldn't know who the evil twin is.” He heard that too. 

When Janus came back, he didn’t look very different. Remus… well, Remus felt a lot of things, most of which he channeled into an overwhelming desire to hit him directly in his stupid, snake-y face with the morningstar. 

Remus generally didn’t feel bad when his weapons actually hurt people, but he didn’t usually feel this level of release, this feeling of letting everything drain out of him in one harsh swing. 

“What the hell has gotten into you? I’m not Roman, you know,” Janus sighed, wiping at the blood flowing down his face. 

“Yeah, I’m aware of that, you two faced fucker. That was for being such an absolute fucking dick to my brother,” Remus shouted, hauling the morningstar over his shoulder, ready to swing again. Janus took a quick step back and raised an entirely unimpressed eyebrow. 

“Oh yes, and you have such a history of kindness and support with him.” Normally Janus’ smug drawl was comforting, but directed at him it grated on every. Single. Fucking. Nerve. 

“At least he knows what to expect from me! I hit him with a pointy ball on a stick, I don’t try to emotionally manipulate and damage him every chance I get!” Remus shouted. “And what was the name sharing shit? It took years for you to tell me your name, they get it in a few months?”

Janus let out a long sigh at that. “You don’t understand. It was the only way Patton-”

That was the final straw. “Oh, Patton this Patton that! Why don’t you go suck up to daddy like every other fucking side has, clearly that’s the only thing you give a shit about!” 

“I needed them to trust me, Remus, it’s not personal.” Janus had sat down by now, his head in his hands, but Remus could not give less of a shit about how tired he looked. 

“You made it personal when you used me to talk shit about my brother! Maybe I am evil, but I know my role, I know what I am, I don’t try to convince anyone otherwise! You, you lie and talk in circles and do whatever it takes to make sure they like you, make sure Patton likes you, even when it means you shit all over me!” Remus had been pacing through his speech, but he circled back to Janus, who was finally looking at him again. They locked eyes for a moment, before Janus looked away, unable to deny any of it.  

“You told me you’d give me a family. If this is what your idea of family is, I don’t fucking want it,” Remus spat. “Go play house with Patton and pretend you're ever going to keep a promise and not abandon everything you’ve ever said and done at the drop of a hat when some shiny new possibility appears.”

A long, long moment of silence followed. And then Janus stood up, brushed lightly at his pants, and turned away from Remus. 

“Have fun alone, Remus,” he said. It wasn’t a sneer, wasn’t a snarl or a shout. It was just said, flat and cold and so empty. And then he walked away, closing the door behind him quietly. For all his drama and all his shouting, Remus wasn’t prepared for such a quiet end. 

“Well,” he said to the empty room, “at least I can’t have any more family drama.”

He didn’t cry that night. He didn’t spend that night wishing that maybe someone would have bothered to stay with him, stay for him. 

He didn’t. Because he was the evil twin, and evil twins don’t cry over being abandoned. 

They plot revenge. 

[manuscripts-dontburn]

D: A Tale of Two Worlds

Author: Michel Faber

First published: 2020

Pages: 304

Rating: ★★★☆☆

How long did it take: 5 days

I would not hesitate to put this book into the hands of any child and that, I believe, is the biggest praise for a children's book. Unfortunately for me as an adult reader some things simply did not reach their potential. Perhaps it is my own fault for not having read anything by Dickens yet (aside from The Chrismas Carol), but references may have flown over my head. The story itself is a bit too straightforward and the adventure itself, while not without its moments (among which the best is the episode in the creepy hotel), extremely simplistic - and yet never explained in a satisfactory manner. The questions of why and how and for what purpose are not answered and while that may not be necessary to a child who can simply cheer Dhikilo on, it doesn't satisfy an older reader.

The Children of Ash and Elm: A History of the Vikings

Author: Neil Price

First published: 2020

Pages: 624

Rating: ★★★★★

How long did it take: 8 days

Achievement of research, choice of topics and compulsively readable writing.

Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World's Most Dangerous Man

Author: Mary L. Trump

First published: 2020

Pages: 225

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 2 days

In spite of what you may think while going into this book, it is neither a Donald Trump biography neither a deep psychological study of his deranged personality. It is partly a memoir and partly a family portrait drawn by a person who is, in a way, inside and yet, in another way, left out of that family. Mary L Trump reveals a lot about the toxic relationships which ran and still run throughout the Trump clan, who are pretty much just a bunch of extremely mediocre, uninspiring people who got lucky and got blinded by greed. I swear that if I read about a fictional family like theirs I would dismiss it as completely unrealistic, but yet there they were, rich and privileged and disgusting. There is nothing shocking revealed about Trump himself, we have all seen his insecurities, his failures, his lies and cruelty, but it was nonetheless interesting to see where exactly has all that come from. And yet, none of the explainings makes Trump any more likeable or worth of pity.

Navzdory básník zpívá

Author: Jarmila Loukotková

First published: 1957

Pages: 510

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 9 days

Po dlouhé době jsem ochutnala českou klasiku a ačkoliv Villon jako postava mi k srdci nepřirostl, nelze než obdivovat Jarmilu Loukotkovou, její vládu nad jazykem a schopností vykreslit tak rozporuplnou osobnost. Především však je nutné ocenit jak hluboce (vysoce?) atmosférická tato kniha je, středověk z ní vyloženě dýchá.

The Way Past Winter

Author: Kiran Millwood-Hargrave

First published: 2018

Pages: 256

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 2 days

This could have been much, much longer. There were so much material, themes and character development to work with! But if I try and be less subjective, I need to judge this book as it was intended to be: for pre-teen children. And in that case, I have nothing to criticize. This is a story about family ties, dressed up as a chase-and-discover adventure with some genuinely exciting and some genuinely dark parts. And as usual with Kiran Milwood Hargrave, it is beautifully written.

Heart of Europe: A History of the Holy Roman Empire

Author: Peter H. Wilson

First published: 2016

Pages: 1008

Rating: ★★★★★

How long did it take: 10 days

This beautifully executed and designed book is a real undertaking. I decided to go with an audiobook (funnily enough narrated by a guy called Napoleon) and I am glad of it because otherwise, I would be reading this until the next year. That said this is an excellently researched and presented study of the Holy Roman Empire, its justice system, its nationalities, its ambivalent relationship with the Catholic church and many other aspects. I imagine it would work best as a reference book. But just for the sheer amount of work that went into it I have to give it the highest rating.

My Cousin Rachel

Author: Daphne de Maurier

First published: 1951

Pages: 335

Rating: ★★★★★

How long did it take: 8 days

The way Daphne du Maurier plays with feelings, thoughts and motivations is masterful, as is the language she uses. Loved this.

Vita Nostra

Author: Marina & Sergei Dyachenko

First published: 2007

Pages: 416

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 2 days

I have a massive headache and feel like I´m on drugs after finishing this book. I went into it under a false notion of it being sort of a "Harry Potter" magical school sort of book. A little further on I thought: OK, so it is Harry Potter meets The Secret History. On crack. By the time the second part rolled by my head was spinning. There is not really anything I could liken this to, it stands completely on its own. There is not much to talk about in regards to the plot: A young girl is, under rather shady circumstances, forced into attending an obscure school in a small town and her studies slowly but surely completely take over her entire existence. However, the atmosphere created, the steps she takes and her changing mindset are all fascinating to follow. Even though the protagonist starts at 16 and ends up as 19 years old, this is far from the typical "YA" as you can imagine. The campus life, for all the bizarre things going on around it, feels raw and absolutely real - complete with countless beer bottles, stolen soaps and knickers drying on the heater. I was uncomfortable with one of the main protagonists being referred to as "hunchback", even though we knew his name (this later disappears for... reasons which I won´t spoil) and I was also uncomfortable with the teachers openly encouraging our main character to lose her virginity the moment she turned 18 because apparently, that makes you more magic (simplifying here a LOT, but it was CREEPY and unnecessary). Then again the whole school was build on "weird" and "creepy" and the book manages to make the reader queazy and uncomfortable quite a lot. The ending almost flew over my head - unless you know certain things you will be completely lost - but in a very strange way... I found it oddly satisfying. I would recommend this to people whose buzz words include: dark academia, authentic campus life, pretentious philosophy, character-driven and "REALLY weird".

Hamlet

Author: William Shakespeare

First published: 1603

Pages: 159

Rating: ★★★★☆

How long did it take: 1 day

Finally can tick this off of my TBR. I respect and appreciate Shakespear rather than like him and that is all I am going to say.

Dangerous Alliance: An Austentacious Romance

Author: Jennieke Cohen

First published: 2019

Pages: 448

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

How long did it take: 4 days

Look, if I were 13 I would probably really enjoy this one. There is nothing exactly wrong with it and if you want something you do not need to use your brainpower for, go ahead. Unfortunately, I am 30-something reader with hundreds of books behind me, not to mention sarcasm for blood. So I found it on the whole dull and forgettable. Let´s just leave it at that.

[exhaustedfander]

First Comes Love: Epilog

a03 link

1  / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / epilog

word count: 1,898

“Is that the last of the boxes?” Logan asked, leaning against the wall. Remus scoffed from where he was on the floor, opening a box of cups and plates.

“Hell no. There’s still a fuck-ton in the truck; go on lazy bones, get going.” Logan shook his head, sending Remus a teasing glare.

“Is that a very nice attitude to have with your husband?” He asked, knowing it made Remus’s heart skip a beat every time he said it. Even after being married for a few months, the word ‘husband’ threw him like nothing else.

“C’mon, Dragonfly.” Logan sighed, though more out of fondness than exhaustion.

“Fine, but only to get you to shut your mouth,” Logan said, opening the door and heading back to the moving truck.

“Hey! Who’s being mean now?” Remus called, but Logan was already outside.

In actuality, Remus knew there was no way they were going to manage to fully unpack, at least not tonight. But they’d do the essentials, and likely order pizza after being too tired to make dinner.

They’d been looking for houses the moment they were engaged, eager to have a bit more space for whatever – or whoever– came into their lives in the future. Finally, Remus had an office where he could write in peace and fill it with as much horror memorabilia as he wished without cluttering their shared space with posters and action figures. Remus’s latest novel was a best-seller, which certainly helped cement the fact that purchasing a house was exactly what they wanted to do.

Remus looked around the still fairly empty living room, aside from a few pieces of furniture, knowing it would soon be filled with clutter and liveliness. It was homey, really, genuinely homey. He’d always thought people were being dramatic when they walked into a house and said they just knew it was perfect for them, but that was exactly how he’d felt the moment he’d walked in. He could see himself living in it instantly, could see Logan with him, and somewhere down the line, kids.

The house wasn’t huge, but it was nice, and it felt right, and there was even space to put in a garden in the backyard. Remus couldn’t believe he was considering taking up gardening of all things; he’d sworn to himself he wouldn’t ever become so painfully domestic and cliché, but he couldn’t make good on that promise.

He thought back to the years before Logan when he and Roman were apart and he felt like he was alone and scattered to the wind. It was almost impossible to contemplate now, having been surrounded by so much love, unlike what he thought he’d ever be able to receive.  

Remus could hardly recognize his past. The man he’d been lived on in memories, but they were fading more with each passing day. Remus didn’t necessarily like to consider his life before Logan a blur. There were certain people he’d considered friends at the time, and accomplishments he was at least a little proud of, but all of that paled in comparison to what he had now.

“Are you alright?” Remus peaked up from the box he’d been staring absently into, seeing Logan standing beside him with a look of concern in his eyes.

“I’m fine. Great. Like, really, really great,” Remus announced a dopey grin on his face.

“If you’re so ‘great’, then why have you stopped helping me? You were just chastising me a moment ago,” Logan said, before pausing, a concerned look creeping onto his face. “Remus, what’s the matter?”

“Absolutely nothing,” Remus said, offering Logan’s extended hand and making it to his feet, “I’m just feeling particularly sappy right about now. Have I told you how beautiful you look today?” Logan chuckled lightly.

“I’m wearing a stained T-shirt, my hair’s a mess, frankly we’re both quite a mess.”

“And yet you’re still the prettiest thing I ever did see,” Remus said with a smile, wrapping his arms around Logan and pulling him close.

“I could say the same about you,” Logan said, pressing a kiss to his husband’s lips before pulling back, “Now, why don’t you help me finish unpacking some more, and then we can both be as sappy as you’d like. After all, you were just complaining about my lack of intuitive.”

“Sure,” Remus agreed, “Yeah, okay. That sounds good.”

The couple takes in several more boxes, unpacking a while longer, and set up the TV before settling down on the couch and ordering some pizza. The days ahead would include a fair amount more of unpacking, but for now, they were content with the work they’d done (and too tired for much more).

“Still feeling particularly sappy, are we?” Logan asked once they’d finished their dinner and were sitting together watching a film neither of them were paying too much attention to. Remus blinked; unaware he’d been staring.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Remus said, grabbing Logan’s hand and lacing their fingers together, “How can I not? I mean, look at you.”

“What’re you up to, Mr. Knightly-Sanders?” Logan asked, his voice light and teasing, though there was a hint of suspicion that made itself present. Remus pressed his free hand to his chest, gasping like a dramatic starlet.

“I can’t believe you! I’m complimenting you, and profess my boundless, unyielding love for you,” Remus paused to press a drawn-out, slow but passionate kiss to Logan’s lips, “And you doubt my intentions?”

“I doubt your intentions when you get that look in your eyes,” Logan said pointedly.

“A look? Whatever do you mean?” Remus asked batting his eyelashes.

“Remus.”

“Okay, fine. I’ll just go ahead and ask.”

“By all means,” Logan said, “What is it that you wanted to discuss?”

“Can we get a dog?” Remus asked, his eyes almost comically wide, “Pretty, pretty please?” Logan sighed.

“We just started moving into the house today. Life is fairly hectic at the moment.”

“We don’t have to get one tomorrow,” Remus pointed out, “Just soon. C’mon, Dragonfly, we talked about getting a pet before.” Logan nodded.

“Yes, I suppose you’re right.”

“And we could train them to be a watchdog! Wouldn’t that be the coolest! Can we get one Logan, please!”

“…Maybe.” Remus grinned widely, climbing into his husband’s lap and kissing him senseless (Remus knew that ‘maybe’ was a surefire yes. Within a few weeks, they’d have brought home their rescue German Shepard, Duke, who Logan became incredibly fond of almost immediately).

Once their movie had finished and the pair still sat together in a tangle of limbs on the couch, Logan spoke up.

“What’re you thinking about?”

“Huh?” Remus asked, peaking up from where he’d been lying on Logan’s shoulder.

“You’ve been quiet. What’s on your mind?” Remus smiled, snuggling back into Logan’s side and laying his head back on his husband’s shoulder.

“Absolutely everything. How much I love you, and how fucking happy I am being with you, and how right this house feels. I didn’t think I was the type to get such a domestic happy ending… did you ever think this would be you? Married, a house, sappy as all fuck?” Remus already knew the answer, but he couldn’t help but ask.

“No,” Logan said, running a hand through Remus’s frazzled hair, “No, not at all. I didn’t have any kind of expectations like this for my life. And yet here we are, and I can’t be more pleased with how things have turned out. I love you too, my dear, more than anything.”

“Remember when you claimed you were ‘emotionless’? That wasn’t that long ago.”

“Claimed? I don’t know what you mean. I’ve never felt a single emotion in all my life.” Remus laughed, loud and unabashedly happy, weighed down only slightly from exhaustion.

“Oh, how silly of me to forget. I’m married to a robot.” Logan hummed, laughing lightly as he pressed a kiss into Remus’s hair. “A robot with a fantastic ass.”

“As I am a robot who feels absolutely nothing, that statement means nothing to me.”

“Oh yeah?” Remus asked, a teasing infliction infiltrating his voice. “So you don’t feel anything when I tell you you’re the smartest, most beautiful, most incredible, best robot husband in the world and that I love you more than anything?”

“Of course, not,” Logan lied through his teeth, though he couldn’t suppress the smile be broke out into when Remus kissed him. Remus smiled, yawning as he leaned against Logan. “Tired?”

“Mhmm. You’re comfy.”

“Our bed will be far more comfortable than my shoulder.”

“Maybe,” Remus said, already beginning to shut his eyes.

“I refuse to sleep on the couch in our first night in this house,” Logan said, moving Remus off of him and making it to his feet. Remus whined at the loss of contact before Logan grabbed his hand and helped him up.

“Come on, we’ve got a lot more unpacking tomorrow. We need to rest.” Remus let out another groan before allowing Logan to lead him out of the living room and start getting ready for bed.

Within minutes, Remus was back in the security of Logan’s embrace, lying in their darkened bedroom beginning to drift off.

Some level of unfamiliarity still buzzed in the air. Sleeping for the first night in a new place is always an odd experience, even if it’s somewhere you want to be. But Remus knew that soon the familiarity and comfort of their apartment would be replaced with this house, and all of the new memories they were sure to make.

As he clung tightly to his husband, Remus pondered all that had led up to this moment, and all that lay ahead. He wasn’t usually the type to have grant expectations for how life would turn out. For so long, he’d had so little left to hold on to. Hope was a fleeting thing; and yet now, Remus couldn’t help but look forward to what the future had in store.

He thought of what life would be like with Logan from here on out, married, tending a house together, soon owning a dog, and somewhere down the line, adopting children. Remus had been so sure for so long that such a future lived on only in the minds of the delusional, but here he found himself, hoping for those very things.

Less than two years ago, Remus had been at a point where he had so few people to turn to and nothing that particularly excited him in life, and now he had Logan, his brother, and the wonderful friends he’d made.

Soon, he’d be walking Roman down the aisle just like his twin had done for him, seeing him marry his emo nightmare and get his very own fairytale ending. And if his suspicions were correct – and they most certainly were; he’d caught Patton browsing Jeweler websites – Patton and Janus would soon be engaged too.

Remus drifted to sleep, lying against Logan’s chest and whispering a final exhausted declaration of love before being greeted with unconsciousness.

And in the morning, when the sunlight shone through the window, illuminating the half-furnished bedroom with boxes on the floor in all its glory and he saw Logan, hair ruffled from sleep and eyes bleary, he’d feel just the same he did the morning he decided he wanted to marry him.

 The End

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