#there is nothing. NOTHING in this world that is worth sacrificing your mental health over

[daschantal05]

There are thoughts here my words cannot convey, ideas that are too big to say.

I know not what to write, yet still I cannot fight the urge to create a little song and poem about your state.

Yet I cannot. I know not. I know not the experience, I know not the way, I know not rightly what you feel, thus, I am afraid. Afeared most terribly to get it wrong, to write untruth upon the knowing and the not.

I ask humbly, and you need not answer in truth, for you to talk about your feelings; about you. I might yet learn anew: a truth about the few I could not find alone, in lieu of the wave of all there is to see, of all that is new to me.

You seem to be in trouble, this I sadly cannot solve, but with resolve and openness, the shadow might yet fall. Feel not forced to talk at all, but know that sharing that which keeps you down, which takes this toil, would maybe, just maybe, lift this terrible frown.

[dozyisdead]

I realized this a long time ago, but I will never truly support a team. I support and cheer for drivers, the people individually, because teams and organizations so often do not truly reflect the morals and beliefs of their individuals. At some point, money and bureaucracy take over, and things become muddy. I support drivers, not teams, because…

because Fuck You McLaren for what Daniel went through in 2021 & 2022 and the way he was treated behind the scenes and in the camera view the and the blatant disregard for his mental and physical condition and health, but I love Oscar Piastri with all my heart and how you don’t let the fights on track bother you outside of it and understand that racing is racing and what someone says there is not how they think of your person beyond it.

because Fuck You McLaren for the way you do team orders and how you put so much pressure and strain on your driver’s relationships and I’m talking about Hungary 2024, but Lando Norris you speak so much about mental health and I’m so glad you do because you bring light to a major part of any sport that so many ignore and I thank you for championing it so much.

because Fuck You Red Bull for dropping so many drivers at the flip of a coin because they can’t compare to your other driver’s talents and how you also show such blatant favoritism it’s disgusting and for the way you dealt with Christian Horner, but Max Verstappen is an incredibly kind and intelligent person who was given a bad hand but will not let the cycle repeat, and Daniel Ricciardo is a man who deserves so much more than what he was given and he still smiles and loves this sport with so much it’s terrifying to watch, and how much they have given and gotten back and grow because of who they are.

because Fuck You Williams for treating your drivers so horribly and having such obvious favoritism that it is detrimental to your driver’s health and specifically Fuck You to James Vowels for your insane behavior, but Logan Sargeant you deserve more than you were even given and Alex Albon you were one of the best teammates Logan could have ever asked for, Logan you deserve the world, thank you for opening the door for us.

because Fuck You Mercedes for trying to change who your driver is to fit your image because Valtteri deserved so much more and the way he was sacrificed was disgusting, but Sir Lewis Hamilton you champion so many and give a voice and platform to so many, bring attention to movements that have lacked support and the respect a d compassion you have for your fellow drivers, and how you’ve learned from your past and not let that define your relationships going forward.

because Fuck You Haas for the way you treat your drivers and how you never support them properly and I’m talking about You Gunther Steiner and the hell you put Mick through, but Kevin you did everything just to make it back, working as a welder for a year in a factory to claw your way back, and Mick you are more than just your name you are also a genuinely kind soul who I wish was given more time in multiple ways, and I know it’s hard but you’re doing amazing even if people in the past said otherwise.

because Fuck You Ferrari for the way you bleed your drivers dry and give them nothing while pretending to give them everything and how you cut some off so quickly it’s disgusting, but Charles LeClerc you have a soul that is too old and there is too much pain and sorrow painting your life path already, but you drive for yourself and for others, and you give hope back to those who have wept at Ferrari’s doorstep for generations, and you love with your heart so openly that I cannot help but admire you.

because Fuck You Alpine for the way you have treated drivers and how you have screamed of loyalty while also giving them no reason to be loyal and making their time there more painful that what is worth, but Pierre I know you mourn every second for lives that have been lost and you would scream from the rooftops if you were given a chance and I would hand you a megaphone because you have a rightful reason to.

because Fuck You VCARB for how you also drop drivers but I know it’s because you are a Red Bull subsidiary and how you gloss over how your drivers can be treated and how you try to sensor their anger and emotions, but Yuki Tsunoda I will forever applaud your skill and dedication to your team and sport, and I know it can be so hard being so far away from home in a land so foreign but you have carved out a place for yourself and I know you’ll make your dream of having your own restaurant come true.

because specifically Fuck The FIA for the insanity you decide is right and wrong and for how you let money blind you so much that you decide someone campaigning human rights and safety is a political statement and needs to be shut down.

because I will support people, not the half baked prettily worded lies organizations will tell us.

[winterrrnight]

hey baby, i just saw the link you posted (i agree x10000000)

if you wanna talk about anything at all just reply to this saying so and i’ll slide into your dms <3

take care my love <3

-🦚

I love you so much omg :(( (vent incoming I'm so sorry)

it just feels like sm rn, like tumblr and writing is my only escape at this point, and I just am so done with it, like rn I'm done w boards so I'm doing all the entrance exams stuff and I just hate it because I just cannot study this shit anymore, I'm physically sick of it, but I have to keep going which just sucks sm, and it doesn't help that you need to study soooo much to get the bare minimum of the score. at this point I've just given up and im just letting life guide me. that academic spark in me has just gone and it's just not coming back no matter what, and at this point I just don't even care if I pass or fail these entrances cause I'm just so so so so done with this bullshit. like i spend days without studying, that's how bad it's gotten, and my parents just so easily say that "it's almost done, it's almost done" when we all know it is NOT, it never ends. like okay entrance exams shit will be over, but the four year degree after that will be nothing less. and what sucks people refuse to educate themselves on this, they refuse to bring changes, they say jee/neet are "standardized" tests but absolutely nothing in this whole world is worth it if it means your mental, physical and emotional health is being put on the line and is being sacrificed. and the absolute worse of this all, there's this fixed notion in everyone's head that if you get good marks, you're intelligent, but if you don't, you aren't. like the effort put in doesn't matter, if you didn't get good marks, you're worthless. everyone says it's okay to fail, but when someone actually does fail, everyone hates it, and degrades them, if not on their face, then behind their backs. (Indian relatives who keep unrealistic expectations from the children of their family I'm looking at you rn)

and you're so sweet mwah you're always welcome in my dms 💞💞

[dropintomanga]

HIRAETH - The Middle and The End of It All

Continuing where I left off months ago, it’s time to explore the last two volumes of Yuhki Kamatani’s HIRAETH - The End of the Journey. The ending does end with a sense of loss, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t move forward despite of it.

Talk about suicide and suicidal ideation after the jump, so just a warning.

In Volume 2, the trio of Mika, Hibino, and Hani continue their trip towards the underworld, Yomotsu Hirasaka (also known as Yomi), to die. Along the way, they run into a researcher named Chihiro Awashima, who knows about Hibino’s immortality. While she wants to hopefully use the knowledge of immortality to improve the medical world, Chihiro’s also desperate to find a way to save a friend who’s dying of a terminal illness. Chihiro challenges Mika’s way of thinking (her desire to die after losing her best friend) by saying death is absolutely scary. Hibino tries to ignore Chihiro with vague answers about his immortality and once the trio makes an attempt to escape her grasp, Chihiro appears and collapses in front of them. She the admits that she lied about her friend and that she’s the one who is dying - from cancer. Chihiro then cries out in desperation how much she wants to accomplish something meaningful before dying. 

Hibino and Hani do convince Chihiro to accept her impending death and that her life still has meaning even if she doesn’t feel like it. There’s something Hani to Chihiro says that made me think.

“You believe the meaning of human life is to accomplish something before you die. How fascinating. While I thought of nothing but I was letting go...”

I listened to a podcast about this whole chase to find meaning in life. Sure, meaning means more than happiness. But I now wonder if we’re all being gamified to find meaning/purpose or else we’ll never be successful. It feels no different than trying to be a “personal brand” and sacrificing your mental health for it. It’s okay to accept that things can be meaningless; it doesn’t change the fact that there’s still things worth living for in life. Chihiro’s search for immortality felt like she wanted to feel pragmatically useful to someone who may need her because society told her to.

Near the end of Volume 2, Hani mysterious vanishes in front of Mika and Hibino. The think about how their life turned out as a god. They wondered why they decided to hang around Mika and humor her wish to die. Hani then realizes that there’s a cherished memory they long forgot. A flashback of when Hani and Hibino first met happens. It turns out that Hani was the soulmate Hibino was searching for. Hani returns and while the reunion is a happy one, everyone will go their separate ways the closer they get to Yomi.

At the start of Volume 3, Hibino encounters an old man he met a long time ago, which causes him to unlock traumatic memories of the people who died before him. Hibino keeps a notebook of said people’s words for his memory’s sake and now wants to get rid of it as he feels trapped by them. Mika refuses to let Hibino throw everything away. Hani jumps into the conversation via violent fashion as they felt insulted by Hibino’s actions because they strongly feel memories should be treasured.

The focus on memory becomes important as Hibino reveals that he knew about Hani for a long time and the two already met a long time ago in ancient Japan. After being around each other for a few years, Hani ends up having to disappear. Hibino and Hani would make a promise that they would meet again if somehow Hibino ends up losing his immortality. Yet that memory was long forgotten until Hani displayed insecurity over how they will be remembered, which triggered Hibino’s remembrance.

The subject of holding onto painful memories can be a tricky one to navigate. In modern society, there’s often a bunch of victim blaming towards people who can’t seem to move on from losing loved ones. We’re always told to move forward and ignore the grief that comes with such memories. But as HIRAETH shows, if an immortal and a god struggle with grief and despair, why would anyone think humans can do better?

The ending is a bittersweet one. Hani eventually disappears, but is glad Hibino treasured him. Hibino dies right after Hani disappears. Mika is about to join the afterlife with no hesitation to see her best friend who died, but decides to go back to the world of the living after hearing a bird sing. She credits the new memories she made with Hani and Hibino that made her re-think her desire to die. 

The most touching part of the end is when Chihiro re-appears in the final chapter. She tells Mika that Hibino reached out to her to take care of his personal affairs (which were trivial) before his eventual passing. Both Mika and Chihiro laugh over Hibino’s actions. And Mika says one of the most powerful lines regarding loss with a huge smile on her face.

“I'm so weird. I can’t shake how sad I feel, but here I am, laughing.” 

I’m gonna get into something I haven’t really talked about here. 4 years ago, a pet bird of mine died after having him for 12 years. The morning he died, I saw him looking very ill. I left for work and came home to find him dead. I was in a state of disbelief and sadness. I did tell some of my friends about my pet bird’s death and one of them told me to celebrate their life. Although I’m not going to pretend that my pet bird thought like a human, he looked like he had fun while he was alive because he sung quite a lot in loud and happy fashion. I laugh now when I think about the times my bird made me smile with his behaviors.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve been reading up on grief and ways to talk about it without dismissing the subject entirely. One thing that stood out to me was when someone talks about a loved one who passed away, the first thing asked is “What happened to them?” I think people do this because they want to be certain that whatever befell the person who died won’t happen to them. A better thing to say is “Tell me more about them. Tell me how they lived. Tell me what were they liked. Tell me your favorite memories of them.”

There’s a huge collective silence that subtly makes its mark when talking about emotional memories. There’s cases where people might be deemed “too emotional” and put on a “someone to avoid” list. However, if you really want to feel connected to someone, being a bit more emotional than usual is what makes relationships stronger, not weaker.

People going through grief often don’t get a proper chance to talk about the ones they lost with love. There needs to be a better collective response in giving opportunities to them to speak out. Accepting death and all it brings is what really moves us to treasure and move forward in life. At least, that’s what Kamatani is trying to say with HIRAETH and their approach in talking about death.

HIREATH is an amazing manga that talks about a subject rarely talked about in Western culture. It’s uncomfortable to read at times due to so much focus on facing one’s mortality, but the characters make you feel alive and ensure that it’s okay to face it when you have the people you love at your side. And more importantly, accepting the pain of the past can lead to a present and future that you want to fight for and cherish.

To quote a BBC article on the subject of hiraeth (which is a concept in the country of Wales and the source of inspiration for the manga),

"It (Hiraeth) can be quite revealing, in a way. It can give you an idea of how you want to live, so you can try to embody that happiness and bring it with you into everyday life."

[cosmicangel888]

Entity Attachment ~ Direct the Wounding - Entities Show YOU the WOUND ~ Self Trust

Discern dear lighted ones,

You have your spiritual, energetic, physical, and emotional, mental rights to know your own truth, what is done, and pushed, and forced, and abused and then, those that have done all the harm, the entities attached to them, the coven entity attached leaders, create chaos, and drama, gang-like activity - they are not understanding the working of energy - paranoia and what is done in energy will return

The abusers will then blame, thinking it is outer of them, it is the returning energy - and why we have violent break-outs - entity attachment will fool, and be equal to what that person has done; that is the lesson -

When you live in self love, you project love and you receive love.

When you live in lack, no self trust, the entities already on you, in the fields, chakra's and aura's and degrading treatment of your body, will offer in an attachment - entity attachment will fool, treat you, create mind and mental manipulation for you to see, go within and reclaim the energy field, reclaim the power of the mind, body, spirit, soul - all is healable - the entities show you where your wound is;

Entities feed off of your anger, your drama, chaos, enragement - that is how they feed; they attach based on what your belief was to offer and invite it in; if you want healing from an attachment - then heal the belief - and know you are worthy and self loving to not need attachment -

This is when one becomes, has to become more skilled at lying, manipulation, stealing, and thievery, for the entity has to eat - and then the corruption, and crossing of boundaries, crossing lines, and disrespecting, and raping on every level; all have to learn through self love - self love is the only way - reconnect your own spirit within -

Spirit is

Love is

Oneness of you is

God is

Source is

Energy is energy - Learn it, understand it, honour it - when you disrespect and abuse energy, others, entities will do the same to show you the beliefs and wounds - none have the right to take and harm, and if you do, you offer in an entity.

There are many that know, very skilled to warp truth, energy, stories & even used in GVMTs; the abuse of power, mind control, mind scraping - ESP techniques

We are meant to wake up & be fully sovereign & honouring our life, light body, higher intelligence of spirit within.

Is what is done really worth it; what kind of a win is this?

Sacrificing money, wealth, health, and energy and all that is life is not worth what I have been through in the victim, the ones that do the spells, the warping, the manipulation - nothing is worth selling your soul. Nothing; No title, no money, nothing is worth this experience.

Energy and God, all is real - karma is real - why? We are One.

The multi-verse is real and all laws matter for it creates matter. what you create manifests and what you do to another matters; now you are seeing the matter of all energy you created - was it worth it?

Take it as powerful soul lessons and move on. heal and move on, for Source is all over the ones that abuse and will not be given an ounce; money, resources on every level, in every way will be cut off - if money and title is important and hiding what you think you are hiding - all will know - until all GET IT -

What you do affects the all - you are the all - what you do will return.

Source, God, Heal the wounds.

When will you heal?

Blessings and light

those in legal, justice, all in any level of any positions have an opportunity to make right, never take slight of hand, and not bring the darkness of poor choices to the wounding, temptation - take on your life-light and know you are and you can be the saviour of your own world, creation - you are this - know it in good will and not temptation of the wounding, abuse of power, and abuse of entitlement -

All corruption is being bathed with life and light, truthful stories of those that have been abused; speak your truth; all will be shown and given and nothing is missed by God, Source,

Karma escapes none - reclaim your power and live in and as love

When you love yourself, you make loving choices - not abusing yourself or others - #epstienislands was a gift to show us what have we been allowing to be ok with values disregarding on every level; the lack and disrespect and abusing of title, power, the innocent - temptation is the wounding - lack of importance, value, pressure of being something you just no longer want to be -

PLASTIC, COSMETIC SURGERY

I was told blatantly by my guides, our journey is a self loving one; to love all that you are, and what power, energy, light, life you give away, in any and all ways;

When you harm, cut into, ask, invite others outside of you, you invite entities - when you are not in love with you - (there are health surgery-not superficial lack, lack of self love) you invite entity attachment into your fields, charka's and being-ness - the drive to keep getting operation - again - the entity will keep showing you blatantly -

GO WITHIN AND LOVE - how???? through the constant lack of self love, lack of self care, self honour, that you have seen yourself as not perfect; you keep seeking more operations, more surgery - spirit will not protect you in such -

When spirit shows you, helps you to learn self love, healing the mental, emotional, spiritual, physical - you are given the opportunity every minute to be loving to you above all;

Be loving for you - love all that you are - big nose and real lashes; nothing is worth the disconnect of spirit - your body is spirit - your cells are spirit - period.

Understand energy and what you invite into your space, and sacred temple.

#selflove #plasticsurgery

Know thyself - heal thyself, so your wounds do not become another's - you are this profound and know dear ones, it is courageous to own who you are and heal what your parents could not.

the energetic sensitive and those that come as angels, and divine beings and intelligence - all deserve equal love, honour, respect, protection - we have been denied our intelligence as divinely sacred intelligent beings and speak a higher truth;

Energy attacks are daily - rituals, and voodoo constantly and with relentless intent to bring be down, stop, block me to what is our natural human truth for the protection of children, all that we are as energy and bringing greater peace, health, wealth for all - nature, all life - I know who I am; for years and years - I know who I am.

We are thrown blocks hurdles, on every level by those we are simply trying to divorce from, physically, spiritually and what occurs when we do stand up for ourselves;

I have been connected, honouring, of all God, Source life; and been pushed out of my town, moved 3 times, with blocks to my income, simply for asking for my human, spiritual rights to be honoured; yet abuse of power overruling the innocent - the elite in certain communities taking, raping vibrationally - and bringing higher knowing, higher light, higher business and dealigns that have been taking my work, content, and coven leaders that think they are entitled to the righteousness of the truth speakers -

I have been writing about this for years - when will I receive justice - God is, Source is and what source will do on behalf of the unconditional offering I have done for 16 years -

Nothing has been done, none have offered help and apology, monies taken, and nothing is being done! God is now stepping in;

I am Joanna L Ross and I have given no approval to sessions that are not in video - I have signed no papers, and no permissions, and know and have been speaking about doppleganger of me, and my content for years and years and when I do speak, there are more spiritual attacks;

JoannaCosmicAngel@yahoo.com

I have given 0 permissions, and I have no agent, or partner - I walk with God, Source, and I speak truth. Joanna L Ross the true one is alive; I know who I am;

We are blocked at all legal issues, policing, and how children are no different - we will be changing our laws, the light workers constantly being gang-stalked -

Joanna

JoannaCosmicAngel@yahoo.com.

DONATIONs; PayPal link here; paypal.me/JoannaLRoss

All are being called judgment - all get to choose - choose love and love will be - choose envy, jealousy, so too will the entity - and you have a monkey on your back.

All have choice.

#ascension #healing #healingentityattachment #healingrape #healingabuse #healing3D #healingenergy #fraud #mortgagefraud #calgarycrime #calgaryoccultcrime

[angelsparkls]

all my favorite fics that no one asked for:

* = my absolute favorites

multiple ship fics:

All in the Cards (series)* - (haikyuu) MY FAVORITE FIC OF ALL TIME! although lengthy it is such a good read and has a lot of popular ships! the au is such a cool concept and the plot and characters are thought out so well it’s amazing and should definitely check it out

The Crystal Miracles - (kuroko no basket) based off steven universe but coming from someone who has never watched steven universe the fic was not super dependent on it and was just based around the plot of steven universe (apparently i talked about with my friend who actually watched steven universe) i thought it was cool so definitely recommend! also a bit lengthy but worth it

friends, worlds apart - (haikyuu) it’s mainly bokuaka but there’s other ships so i decided to put this fic here. tbh i don’t remember it too well but i do know it well enough to know that it was really good! it’s a pretty long hogwarts au fic and is based off basic plot points from harry potter but it’s not too similar imo so overall a good read!

Haikyuu:

Death Threats & Wine Bottles - (semishira) domestic semishira. that’s all. it’s cute. there’s nothing to not like about it.

Saltwater Room - (kuroken) i think i read this because of a recommendation and man it was funny. i enjoyed all the fun little bits of kenma and hinata just being friends but also the more serious angsty parts and having the whole conflict with kuroo and kenma’s dream. *sigh* it’s good but lengthy. worth it in my opinion but i like long fics so maybe not your cup of tea

When I Fall In Love - (semishira) i can’t really remember this fic since i read it a long time ago but i do remember liking it! the band au/pianist au concept was cool seeing it with semishira and they are so supportive of each other after they get over their annoyance! it’s not as long as the other long fics i’ve recommended but definitely give it a shot!

Cover My Thoughts In Gold - (bokuaka) some classic soulmate au because they are soulmates so why not have a fic that has them be confirmed soulmates

True Ending - (kuroken) marriage proposal in the best and cutest way possible and one that perfectly fits them 🥺

Cat’s Out of the Bag - (kuroken) it’s just some cute little scenes of kenma as a shapeshifter and kuroo not knowing. it’s quick but so so cute how they interact

Maybe, Probably - (sakuatsu) cute hogwarts au of slytherin atsumu and ravenclaw sakusa. yeah that’s basically it

Rose Gold - (semishira) ROYALTY AU SEMISHIRA AAAAAAA definitely one of my favorite considering that I actually never see a royalty au centered around them

Vibrant - (semishira) im a sucker for soulmate aus but this soulmate au especially was such a cute concept!

A Musical World Thanks To You - (semishira) soulmate au fic but you can hear songs that your soulmate is listening to! it really is such a good concept with semi asking shirabu to be in the talent show with him and perform a song and yk yk big build up to the moment hehe

Dog visits - (kyouhaba) the classic “oh he’s different than i thought what do i do now” and yahaba being soft with kyoutani’s dog is everything and kyoutani not knowing how to deal with yahaba barging into his life 😍

be my honeybee - (kyouhaba) tw: implied/referenced child ab/se if you aren’t comfortable with that please don’t read <3 but it is a good fic and addresses real issues especially with kyoutani not really having anyone to help him until yahaba came around. it’s a bit long and made me cry a little so that’s why it’s good

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back - (kyouhaba) everyone has superpower abilities!! i always love aus like this so it’s not a surprise it’s one of my favorites. it also touches on mental health in the form of kyoutani doing too much for people when he doesn’t need to and always sacrificing himself for others even when it makes him unhappy. it’s so good tho if you ever decide to read it because it is a bit long

rewrite the stars - (kuroken) arranged marriage au where kenma and kageyama are going to get married but by the end they realize that they are marrying the wrong people and its so cute seeing kenma come to that realization

Kuroko No Basket:

The Frog in the Well - (midotaka) it has been a while since i read this fic but i do remember laughing about this and just thinking it was overall cute especially with the whole aspect of being a loose retelling of “The Frog-King” and i know two other people who also read this and thought it was cute so there’s that

The Witch in the Tower - (murahimu) this is from the same series and author as the previous knb fic i recommended because this fic is also based around a fairy tale and i found this really cute because they are kinda domestic in this fic since there’s just an adopted child in a tower… anyway

Feels Like Winning - (murahimu) just some soulmate au for them because murasakibara not knowing how to deal with feelings <3

Only with You - (kikasa) a cute fic for this surprisingly underrated ship! it’s not too long but encompasses these idiots’ relationship in this fic perfectly

Claws and paws - (murahimu) this shapeshifter au is so cute because like height difference 😍 and also the whole idea of like himuro being this tiny cat compared for murasakibara is funny to me. it’s kind of long but i enjoyed it!

Other Fandoms:

Boy Problems - (mirio togata x tamaki amajiki) an OG for me it’s actually one of my first bookmarks and it’s a cute little oneshot that reminds me how oblivious and stupid these idiots are

the blind leading the blind - (childe x zhongli) it’s not really focused on relationship but it really touches on the betrayal that childe feels after realizing that zhongli gave his gnosis to signora behind his back and i think this fic is so very cool for creating that scenario and executed it perfectly!

kintsugi - (teru minamoto x akane aoi) oh lord. oh god. this fic actually kinda broke me. it’s a very bittersweet fic that makes me go OMG YAY and then oh oh oh oh /neg but it does end happily. at what cost tho. it’s so so so good tho definitely recommend. a little lengthy but not too bad

Look At Me Like That - (momotarou mikoshiba x aiichirou nitori) THIS FIC SUMS UP THIS SHIP PERFECTLY! ITS SO GOOD! like the whole thingg of ai having unrequited feelings for rin but is now in love with this idiot momo is exactly how i see their relationship and having that tied up in this one fic.

[inkskinned]

you couldn’t categorize it, when you were younger. you didn’t get hit, after all. just ate the words that spilled over the floor until it made you sick. your teachers all said your writing was “particularly dark” but nothing concerning. you carefully clipped admissions of grief into jokes about how houses feel like splinters. you would walk around with your jaw clenched. what is it you ached for? your home was “safe enough”, wasn’t it? yelling never killed a person. you’d tell other people my parents are just strict. you’d hear over and over again what they sacrificed for you, make it worth it.

when you loved someone, how were you supposed to know any different? your friends and partners like your parents; twisting your words so you seem “too sensitive”. it is bad to have opinions, to want things. you give in because you don’t want the argument. you hear someone call your mental health “delicate.” you cry but there’s not really anything to cry about, isn’t that the heart of it. people tell you that there is much worse going on in the world, get over it. so what that you are alone and he never picks up the phone, that he’s flaky, that he only shows up when he wants something. so what that she keeps you awake threatening to hurt herself; your mother used to say you hurt me when you act like this. there is nothing beautiful here, but what do you have to complain about? there is no red flag. just an empty valley, and dirt, and your heart like a canon in your chest.

many years later, in adulthood, after therapy, you find yourself crying over a broken plate. you find yourself having a panic attack because you’re running fifteen minutes late. you find yourself confused when television shows have tender moments between parents and the kids that they raise - are they supposed to love each other? was it always supposed to be this way?

[weabooweedwitch]

not to be a debby downer and i'm sure everything will go fine and you'll have nothing to worry about but as someone who has had far too many bad experiences with men, do you have a plan for what you're going to do if it turns out your friend's intentions uhhhh extend beyond the bounds of a friendship if you catch my drift? I'm sure it will be ok and he sounds like a genuinely good friend but some men are dodgy out here and it can be especially hard to suss someone out online so it's always good to have an escape route mapped out in advanced yknow what I mean? (assuming you wouldn't be down for it lol idk your relationship)

Oh no for sure it is a perfectly valid concern and I don't blame you for being worried at all. Given my family history and background I myself am one of those "women should always be careful being alone with men" kinds of people

So uh this is something I have already considered because to be perfectly honest we did have. Some sexual tension in the past. And you know idk if he still feels any attraction to me. In the past it was just kind of being inappropriate with each other for a while but I eventually kind of started realizing "hey do I just get like unhealthy levels of attached to men who show me approval and such" and I kinda had a little baby crush on him and I wasn't exactly sure if that was like related to daddy issues but. That was in the past and im hoping he doesn't remember it but I think he'll probably be cool about it if he does but I hope he doesn't bring it up bc I'll be so embarrassed, I was a little wild back then emotionally and impulsively 💀

I mean I guess my overall stance is, if things were going good and he got a little flirty I would maybe be receptive to it but like it would be hard for us to have any sort of deeper relationship living in two different countries. Like ok so hypothetically we would bang or something but dating would be long distance and idk if my heart could take that so it's like is it worth sacrificing our friendship for something physical, I doubt I could be one of those friends with benefits, I have attachment issues that I don't think would mesh well, idk. Although to be perfectly honest going to see him isn't especially difficult, the expensive thing is mostly having to pay for a hotel while I visit because he has housemates, which, apparently Canada has one of the most expensive housing markets in the entire world and I think all of my Canadian friends either have multiple roommates or live with their parents which sounds scary haha, and we were randomly talking about US citizenship one day and how bullshit the process to renounce it was (I was speaking of it in regards to joking about moving to Europe) and he mentioned that it was a big reason he wasn't interested in US citizenship

So. I dunno. I guess my overall answer is "he's someone I trust and feel affection for at least platonically but I also recognize I have my own mental health issues and past trauma that can kind of affect how I interact and am influenced by men and maybe I should just avoid certain things entirely"

But until then he's asking if I would be interested in learning how to play MTG and he's asking me to bring soup to make into this dip and he bought some weed and it sounds like it'll be a lot of fun :) idk. I am mentally preparing myself for. Idk. Stuff. But there's no use making myself paranoid over it, and also my mom keeps trying to wig me out

We'll see fjdjfjfjf im probably going to intend to keep things chill and I don't have any fears of him trying to force me into anything but if things got too awkward like, I have my own motel room and money and can have the rest of my vacation by myself I guess

[dimonds456]

*sees your tags about being salty about suf spinel*

YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT AND NOT SHARE YOUR SALT /LH

Okay, but I'm warning you, you asked for it.

LONG POST WARNING.

LIKE A REALLY, REALLY LONG POST WARNING.

Dimonds456 Presents: How They Did My Baby Dirty: An SUTM and SUF Analysis on Steven and Spinel (Told by a Progressively More and More Angry Narrator)

THE CONTEXT: There was a post talking about how you think a character will fix everything, but then they wind up making it works. My tags were "#*looks at suf spinel* #I am still salty about that like the bitch I am fghdjskgfa"

Grab some water, guys.

Let's start by talking about Steven for a moment. In the original show, when we were following him as a 12-14-year-old, we watched as he built up trauma and then learned how to hide it expertly well, to the point that most of the audience didn't even realize he was struggling.

You can actually pinpoint the seconds he makes those decisions, too. The best example is in "The Test," when he's storming up to the gems. He's pissed. His fists are clenched, he's got that anime eye shadow overlay on his face, he's frowning, all that. the Crystal Gems are clapping for him and lying to his face, and he KNOWS they are because he overheard them talking about how it was "impossible for him to fail" that test (- Garnet).

And yet... he also overheard them saying that they're just trying their best. They don't know what he needs. They never really have. No one is sure. So, Steven realizes that by picking a fight, he would just be making it worse for them because they would know they messed up, and nothing gets solved, and everyone gets more depressed and Amethyst and Pearl go back to fighting each other and- well, you get the picture. He doesn't have a full understanding of what's going on, so his kid brain went "so I can either be angry at them and cause problems, or I can tell them I did a good job to make them happy."

"I can lie to make them happy."

He storms down there angry, still mulling this decision over. He drops to the floor, frowning and pissed, and says "I can't believe you guys." He is so close to yelling at them, and yet, when he looks up at them...

"That was so... INSANE!"

You never would have been able to tell. It was right there. That moment. And then he never stops. For the ENTIRE REST of the series, he NEVER STOPS. He puts the Crystal Gems above himself every time. Think Rose's Scabbard, The Message, The Return/Jailbreak. The Cluster. Peridot. Dealing with Jasper. The zoo arc (ESPECIALLY the zoo arc). Aquamarine. Then pretty much the entirety of Season 5.

(NOTE: I went back and rewatched that scene for the screenshot. There is a blink-and-you'll-miss-it lip tremble in there too! D,: )

He lives for the people around him, and not for himself. Almost never for himself.

Put a pin in that.

Now, let's look at his maturity. People thought that was just him being mature, right? That he grew up. No. That was not it at all. He was learning from his own behaviors as well as the people around him, and building up this idea that he had to "fight to be everything that everyone wants [him] to be when [he's] grown" (- Steven, the extended intro).

Yes, he matured, but not because of that. He started making various decisions to benefit the group that oftentimes he wasn't fully comfortable with, but something he believed would be better for everyone.

Put a pin in that.

Then, later in Future, we see it all manifest. He is selfless to a fault, to the point that he can't think of himself in a positive light in the sense that he's good. We see it a couple of times, but especially in "Prickly Pair," when he vents to Cactus Steven about everything that happened. He feels useless, which is taking a toll on his mental health.

"Why do I need to be needed?" He needs to be needed because that's everything he was as a kid. His entire IDENTITY rests on his ability to help other people, no matter what happens to him. He literally sacrificed himself for them countless times (the big one of course being the Aquamarine incident), and now as a teenager, his whole sense of self is wrapped up in this need to get up and do something to make the world better.

And when he can't make the world better, his world falls apart.

Put a pin in that.

Now, let's talk about Spinel, the moment we've all been waiting for.

Spinel, as a gem, was made specifically to be a friend. That is her niche, and her purpose. Her reason for existing. At first, she and Pink Diamond got along very well, as shown in the flashbacks right before Drift Away plays (I headcanon she has illusion powers and was literally projecting her trauma, but that's a completely different post).

She and Pink vibed together for who knows how long, until one day, Pink started to not like being around Spinel anymore, finding her annoying and childish. We don't know what really caused the switch, just that it did happen (but of course, I have headcanons for that, too). Spinel never realized until it was FAR too late.

Steven actually describes his younger self as annoying at one point during the Diamond Days arc, when he decides to throw the ball, so I'm legally allowed to make this comparison.

Steven and Spinel were the SAME. They were both young and dumb, and something that at least a few people found annoying. People put up with their BS though, since they cared about them. But, while Steven realized this and matured because of it (or bottled up his emotions, to each their own), Spinel never did. She never matured. She was never given a chance.

In the movie, we saw her as a child, and watched as she played with Pink and never tried to be or do anything else, to the point that Pink Diamond thought to realize she might be struggling (and maybe Spinel didn't, either!).

She lives for the people around him, and not for herself. Almost never for herself.

And when she can't be friends with this one person, her world falls apart.

Sound familiar? It should. I literally pulled from things I said earlier lol.

Spinel and Steven are mirror reflections of each other. Reset!Spinel is 14-year-old Steven, completely devoting her entire self to one idea. Steven's was helping others no matter what, Spinel's was serving Pink no matter what. Spinel is like a combination of 14 and 12-year-old Steven in this sense, honestly. Goofy, without a care in the world, except one thing: the people around her. She would do anything for Pink, just as Steven would do anything for his family.

Now, Pink Diamond left Spinel. We all know this story. She left Spins there in the garden for 6,000 years because she grew more mature and started a rebellion, effectively forgetting about this one gem she kinda stopped caring about standing there.

Personally, I don't think Pink had any malicious or even intentional intent in that, but this ain't about her. This is about how Spinel continued to sacrifice herself for Pink, even when Pink didn't need her to anymore. She wanted to please Pink 24/7, all day every day, to the point she self-sacrificed and stood perfectly still for her for millenia.

Now, back to Steven. The gems don't need him anymore in Future, right? They've all grown up and matured and headed off towards their own futures, effectively stranding him alone in terms of self-identity and self-worth. But he stays there, ready to assist at the drop of a hat, or- in Future's case- the call of a phone.

Episode 6 anyone? The one everyone says shouldn't be in Future? That it should have been cut to allow more focus on Steven himself? The fusion episode? YEAH. THAT. He is running himself RAGGED to try and help others, to give himself a purpose. He is self-sacrificing. (He's a professional, don't worry. /j)

Steven metaphorically planted his feet down and decided that he was going to devote himself to the people around him.

Spinel's feet were literally tied down soon after she made that very same decision.

Okay, enough with the backstory. Time for the salt.

In Future, Steven is at his lowest low. He is running to the Diamonds for help, to see if there is SOMETHING they can do to help him. And we first see Spinel.

Spinel has been through the ringer on a lot of the same mental problems Steven himself is facing. She self-isolated, watched as everyone grew up and left her, and then began to lash out because of it. She understands what he's going through. We even see her concerned as Steven starts to tell her why he's there.

Spinel takes him from Diamond to Diamond, until he's running out of White's room in a blind panic. Spinel is able to catch up with him, and Steven realizes the same. SHE GETS IT. He turns around and says "Hey, you used to have vengeful thoughts!"

Spinel replies "Ohhhhh yeah, but I don't have 'em anymore."

"How did you make them stop?"

She then goes on to sing Change to him, effectively cutting that conversation short.

On paper, that sounds very in-character for her. She's goofy! And that is what worked for her! But the problem is that they had to dumb her down in order to make that character decision work. In the movie, she was shown to be observant and able to put two and two together, even if she often jumps to conclusions (see her being the one to figure out that the gems needed to remember their "pieces," as she remembers the Garden, her re-realizing what Pink did, and her meltdown later when she reactivates the injector).

Spinel is smart. It should have been in character for her to realize that Steven was panicking just as she had been, and needed to be talked to gently. But no. Instead, she starts belting out Change, which given Steven's situation, would not work for him.

At the very least, she would have started doing little tricks or started trying to get him to join a game, which would have taken his mind off of it (to her anyways, that wouldn't have worked either), which then could have prompted further discussion.

Then, once they finally start talking, Spinel could have been able to share some legitimate advise. She was hurt and lashed out. What worked for her was opening up to others and letting them in, learning to trust again (which Steven also has problems with- he can't trust that the Gems won't break down the second he turns his back. Trust does NOT equal love, there is no doubt he loves them to no end), and allowing other people in.

That is what Steven needed, too. He needed to let his guard down and just talk to someone. Sure, Spinel was not going to be a fix-all, but she could have at least offered some insight on what to do.

She UNDERSTANDS him. They are a reflection of each other.

But instead of offering help, Spinel made it worse. She was dumbed down to allow the rest of Future to happen, to make Steven feel even worse. Because- and here's the kicker- because the one person who MIGHT understand him doesn't, that means there's no hope for him.

At least, that's how he sees it. And so, the denial- and "Everything's Fine"- begins.

Here's the thing, though; they DIDN'T NEED to make that decision. If the Crew wanted to have Spinel not understand Steven, then draw the line of her being a Gem from Era 1, used to the Diamonds shattering people.

Steven has killed Jasper and revived her at this point, so maybe Spinel offers that at least he's trying to get better, just like the other Diamonds! See, they're doing so great now! And then that makes him feel worse since he IS trying to do better, but is only failing, while the Diamonds- who were MADE to be nasty dictators- are doing better than him.

The Diamonds shattered a lot of people, and they're doing better than Steven, who has only shattered one person, and not even on purpose. How horrible is that?

Then boom. THERE'S your angst, with a much smarter, more helpful Spinel.

Look, I knew going in that Spinel wasn't going to be able to help. The finale had to happen somehow, and we hadn't seen Wormy Boi yet. I have always been a storng believer of the corrupted Steven theory, so I knew it was bound to happen. But I was hoping that Spinel would at least try. But she really didn't. She just brushed him off, offering really loose advise that didn't even fit his situation and thinking that would be enough.

No. It's not.

I can see where the Crew was coming from. I still love that episode, and I love seeing Spins in it (until that exact moment). This is probably the only thing in SU that genuinely gets me mad. Or, well, maybe not mad, but definitely annoyed and- you guessed it- salty.

I have an unfinished fic where I kinda delve into Spinel's head for that episode called "A New Start". If you really want my thoughts on where Spinel's head was at, there's a bit in there that really explains it. In the fic, Steven decides to rejuvenate himself and brings Spinel along with him, and that's all the context you need for this.

I cannot explain that moment in the climax of the episode, though. Maybe she thought it would make him feel better, or that maybe he really did just need to open his eyes and see the error of his ways (which doesn't make sense, he KNOWS what he did). Maybe she thought that being silly would help somehow.

But you'd think she'd learn from her time with Pink as she grew more annoyed with her, but apparently not. Or maybe she would realize for a second that being loud and annoying was bad. Or maybe she doesn't learn.

Either way, it- and she- was dumb. And they did my baby dirty.

*drops mic and walks away*

[finagled]

absent but busy

life never seems to slow down to let me catch my breath, so ive been busy trying to keep things going!

this has been a hellish year but also a spectacular one in so many ways. my dad’s death has shattered me tbh, im just not the same person i was before he left and life will never ever be the same with him gone. as somebody who already struggles with identity issues, i had a real hard time knowing how in the world i was supposed to keep going without his input and support. he always saw right through me and could point out things about me i wasnt even aware of yet, but he was always spot on, too. bouncing my ideas off of him is how i learned to human. im coming to realize i loved to succeed and experience so i could tell him and listen to how he loved to hear about it. with him gone, ive felt a sense of emptiness with everything.

im trying to hold on to what he’s taught me. he gave me so many lessons on how to be a person, a good person. he played devils advocate so id learn how to fight for what i knew to be true, and to reevaluate my stance if i couldn’t. he taught me how to treat other people, how every stranger deserves kindness. he taught me that you can be wrong, and that sometimes being wrong is a beautiful thing, because then you learn what’s right. he taught me nothing is worth sacrificing your morals.

the answer to where to find this person now is that now, i have to be this person. the only way for those things about him to live on is if i perpetuate them in my own life. im trying so hard to do this. its not going easy. im told over and over again that im smart, that i work hard, that im good with people, and yet my success has not materialized no matter what i’ve done to secure it. i think, if i just had mental health care and meds, if i could just see a doctor, then id be so great. but i can’t think like that. whether that’s true or not and that’s the only thing in the way between me and living like i feel like im meant to, it doesn’t matter. trying to get government assistance, at least in this state, feels impossible. i dont have the energy to keep hoping they’re going to help. im frustrated to come to the conclusion that i am going to have to metaphorically “pick myself up by the bootstraps” and find a way to push forward in the meantime.

i know im intelligent and have skills that can genuinely and directly help people, because ive done it before. its taken a really long time to have confidence in myself about anything. but i need to start, and then do something with it, because im wasting time waiting for help to arrive.

this is a big ol ramble but it feels good to have the energy to write stuff up. vari and i have been working real hard this past year trying to get the house and our lives set up in a way that will set us both up for success. we’re slowly getting a handle on chores and bills, and our mental health is improving. im slowly pulling all the tangled yarn apart in my brain and getting things sorted.

they took me off adderall and onto strattera, which i actually dont mind. ive heard the medication can precipitate manic episodes in bipolar individuals though, so i wonder if i like it because of that. im depressed so often and its been so long since hypomania, that i really done mind when i wake up with the excess energy and vigor. it doesnt feel extreme like hypomania, more like just having gusto for the day. ill have to keep an eye on it more since its only been about three weeks, but im grateful i havent lost much progress from getting off adderall. the side effects aren’t nearly as powerful either, which is nice.

so im trying. i have too many people i should be getting back to with messages so if youre one of them, im sorry. theres a million things going on and only so much energy each day, but ive drawn up some routines that i hope will encourage me to do more stuff throughout the day other than just chores and sims ;)

thanks to anyone for reading :3

[linastudyblrsblog]

Burnout, unfortunately, is everywhere. If you haven’t experienced it personally, you probably know someone who has self-diagnosed.

 Defined by the World Health Organization as a syndrome “conceptualized as resulted from chronic workplace stress,” it causes exhaustion, “feelings of negativism or cynicism,” and reduced efficacy. That’s a big umbrella, and the condition has become something of a catch-all for chronic, modern-day stress. 

Here are 11 of our favorites to help you create your own escape plan:

1. Figure out which kind of burnout you have.

The Association for Psychological Science found that burnout comes in three different types, and each one needs a different solution:

1. Overload: The frenetic employee who works toward success until exhaustion, is most closely related to emotional venting. These individuals might try to cope with their stress by complaining about the organizational hierarchy at work, feeling as though it imposes limits on their goals and ambitions. That coping strategy, unsurprisingly, seems to lead to a stress overload and a tendency to throw in the towel.

2. Lack of Development: Most closely associated with an avoidance coping strategy. These under-challenged workers tend to manage stress by distancing themselves from work, a strategy that leads to depersonalization and cynicism — a harbinger for burning out and packing up shop.

3. Neglect: Seems to stem from a coping strategy based on giving up in the face of stress. Even though these individuals want to achieve a certain goal, they lack the motivation to plow through barriers to get to it

2. Cut down and start saying “no.”

Every “yes” you say adds another thing on your plate and takes more energy away from you, and your creativity:

If you take on too many commitments, start saying ‘no’. If you have too many ideas, execute a few and put the rest in a folder labeled ‘backburner’. If you suffer from information overload, start blocking off downtime or focused worktime in your schedule (here are some tools that may help). Answer email at set times. Switch your phone off, or even leave it behind. The world won’t end. I promise.

3.  Give up on getting motivated.

With real burnout mode, you’re too exhausted to stay positive. So don’t:

When you’re mired in negative emotions about work, resist the urge to try to stamp them out. Instead, get a little distance — step away from your desk, focus on your breath for a few seconds — and then just feel the negativity, without trying to banish it. Then take action alongside the emotion. Usually, the negative feelings will soon dissipate. Even if they don’t, you’ll be a step closer to a meaningful achievement.

4.  Treat the disease, not the symptoms. 

For real recovery and prevention to happen, you need to find the real, deeper issue behind why you’re burnt out:

Instead of overreacting to the blip, step back from it, see it as an incident instead of an indictment, and then examine it like Sherlock Holmes looking for clues.

For example, you could ask yourself: What happened before the slip? Did I encounter a specific trigger event such as a last-minute client request? Was there an unusual circumstance such as sickness? When did I first notice the reversion in my behavior? Is some part of this routine unsustainable and if so, how could I adjust it to make it more realistic?

5.  Make downtime a daily ritual.

To help relieve pressure, schedule daily blocks of downtime to refuel your brain and well-being. It can be anything from meditation to a nap, a walk, or simply turning off the wifi for a while:

When it comes to scheduling, we will need to allocate blocks of time for deep thinking. Maybe you will carve out a 1-2 hour block on your calendar every day for taking a walk or grabbing a cup of coffee and just pondering some of those bigger things. I can even imagine a day when homes and apartments have a special switch that shuts down wi-fi and data access during dinner or at night – just to provide a temporary pause from the constant flow of status updates and other communications…

There is no better mental escape from our tech-charged world than the act of meditation. If only for 15 minutes, the ability to steer your mind away from constant stimulation is downright liberating. There are various kinds of meditation. Some forms require you to think about nothing and completely clear your mind. (This is quite hard, at least for me.) Other forms of meditation are about focusing on one specific thing – often your breath, or a mantra that you repeat in your head (or out loud) for 10-15 minutes…

If you can’t adopt meditation, you might also try clearing your mind the old fashioned way – by sleeping. The legendary energy expert and bestselling author Tony Schwartz takes a 20-minute nap every day. Even if it’s a few hours before he presents to a packed audience, he’ll take a short nap.

6.  Stop being a perfectionist; start satisficing.

Trying to maximize every task and squeeze every drop of productivity out of your creative work is a recipe for exhaustion and procrastination. Set yourself boundaries for acceptable work and stick to them:

Consistently sacrificing your health, your well being, your relationships, and your sanity for the sake of living up to impossible standards will lead to some dangerous behaviors and, ironically, a great deal of procrastination. Instead of saying, “I’ll stay up until this is done,” say, “I’ll work until X time and then I’m stopping. I may end up needing to ask for an extension or complete less than perfect work. But that’s OK. I’m worth it.” Making sleep, exercise, and downtime a regular part of your life plays an essential role in a lasting, productive creative career.

7.  Track your progress every day.

Keeping track allows you to see exactly how much is on your plate, not only day-to-day, but consistently over time:

Disappointing feedback can be painful at first – research shows that failure and losses can hurt twice as much as the pleasure of equivalent gains. But if you discover you’re off course, reliable feedback shows you by how much, and you then have the opportunity to take remedial action and to plot a new training regime or writing schedule. The temporary pain of negative feedback is nothing compared with the crushing experience of project failure. Better to discover that you’re behind and need to start writing an hour earlier each day, than to have your book contract rescinded further down the line because you’ve failed to deliver.

8.  Change location often.

Entrepreneurs or freelancers can be especially prone to burnout. Joel Runyon plays “workstation popcorn,” in which he groups tasks by location and then switches, in order to keep work manageable, provide himself frequent breaks, and spend his time efficiently:

You find yourself spending hours at your computer, dutifully “working” but getting very little done. You finish each day with the dreaded feeling that you’re behind, and that you’re only falling farther and farther behind. You’re buried below an ever-growing to-do list. There’s a feeling of dread that tomorrow is coming, and that it’s bringing with it even more work that you probably won’t be able to get ahead on.

List out everything you need to do today. Try to be as specific as you can…Next, break that list into three sections. Step 1: Go to cafe [or desk, a different table in your office, etc.] #1. Step 2: Start working on item group #1…Once you finish all the tasks in group #1, get up and move. Close your tabs, pack your bags, and physically move your butt to your next spot. If you can, walk or bike to your next stop…When you get to the next cafe [or spot], start on the next action item group, and repeat…

When you’ve completed everything on your to-do list for the day, you are done working. Relax, kick back, and live your life. Don’t take work home with you because that won’t help you get more done – it will just wear you out.

9.  Don’t overload what downtime you do get.

Vacations themselves can cause, or worsen burnout, with high-stress situations, expectations, and sleep interruption. Use it to help in recovery from burnout instead: 

Make a flexible itinerary a priority. [A] study from Radboud University found that effective vacations give you the choice and freedom to choose what you want to do. That means two things: Try to avoid structuring your vacation around an unbreakable schedule, and plan on going somewhere that has multiple options to pick from depending on the weather, your level of energy, or your budget.

10. Write yourself fan mail.

Seth Godin uses self-fan mail as a way to keep motivated instead of burning out on a project that seems far from completion:

I define non-clinical anxiety as, “experiencing failure in advance.” If you’re busy enacting a future that hasn’t happened yet, and amplifying the worst possible outcomes, it’s no wonder it’s difficult to ship that work. With disappointment, I note that our culture doesn’t have an easily found word for the opposite. For experiencing success in advance. For visualizing the best possible outcomes before they happen. Will your book get a great testimonial? Write it out. Will your talk move someone in the audience to change and to let you know about it? What did they say? Will this new product gain shelf space at the local market? Take a picture. Writing yourself fan mail in advance, and picturing the change you’ve announced you’re trying, to make is an effective way to push yourself to build something that actually generates that action.

  11. Break projects into bite-sized pieces.

Taking a task on in one entire lump can be exhausting and provide little room for rest in between. Breaking up your projects into set chunks with their own deadlines provides a much healthier, and easier, way of completing a large project:

The default take on deadlines is typically to consider them to be cumbersome and stressful. Yet, from another perspective, a deadline can be viewed as a huge benefit to any project. Without the urgency of a hard deadline pushing a project to completion, it’s easy for you, your team, or your client to lose focus. We’ve all worked on agonizing projects where the timeline just bleeds on and on, merely because the flexibility is there…

It turns out that the manner in which a task is presented to someone – or the way in which you present it to your brain – has a significant impact on how motivated you will be to take action. A study led by researcher Sean McCrea at the University of Konstanz in Germany recently found that people are much more likely to tackle a concrete task than an abstract task… It seems to me like the difference between being handed a map versus following the step-by-step instructions of a GPS device. Not everyone can read a map, but everyone can follow the directions. By breaking your project down into smaller, well-described tasks, the way forward becomes clear and it’s easy to take action.

[novantinuum]

Intake (SUF one-shot)

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: Teen Audiences (TW: brief discussion of mental illness related topics like suicide ideation and intrusive thoughts.)

Words: 2800

Summary: Steven fills out an important form.

This is set multiple months pre The Future, and is a small glimpse into Steven’s journey to find a therapist.

If you read this and enjoy, I’d greatly appreciate your support through reblogs here, or kudos/comments on AO3 as well. AO3 link will be provided in the reblogs. Thank you! <3

____

His leg bounces with a restless fervor as he slumps in the waiting room chair, clutching the clipboard and pencil the receptionist gave him with a white knuckled grip. Gaze hardened, he takes a good long look at the other patients spread across the room, a few of them appearing equally as spent and fidgety as him, and hunches over the intake form so his answers will be conclusively obscured from their view.

He grimaces. Ugh. Why would a place like this lay out their chairs so close, anyways? Why even give people the option of being nosey? He may be stuck seeing this therapist Connie’s mom recommended because he’s all messed up in the head, but it’s not like he wants the whole planet to know about it. Goodness knows all of Beach City and Little Homeworld already does thanks to his little ‘incident’ a month back. That’s bad enough.

His chest almost feeling hollow as he sighs, he scrawls in his name, his birthday, his cell number, address, and an emergency contact (Dad, who left for the car to give him privacy after signing a few forms he can’t fill out as a minor) on the lines indicated. He leaves out his many middle names for once, all of them leaving a bitter taste in his mouth at this present moment. Briefly, he wonders if this will be a problem, as these past few weeks Dr. Maheswaran assisted his dad in finally acquiring legal documentation and health insurance for him, and per those records he’s officially ‘Steven Quartz Universe’ in the eyes of the law.

Eventually he shrugs, figuring the likelihood of there being another sixteen-year-old ‘Steven Universe’ here today to confuse him with is nearing zero.

Okay, what’s next?

He briefly skims over the next few passages— a bunch of legalese about the terms of counselor-patient confidentiality and when they might have to breach that for safety reasons— and signs where indicated so they know he looked over it.

Someone sitting two chairs away coughs. He can’t help but flinch at the sudden noise, and folds himself tighter in his own seat as he flips over the first page of the form and continues to read.

In a few words, explain why you’ve chosen to reach out to us today. How can we help you?

Steven frowns, fingers twitching around the shaft of the pencil as he contemplates how to respond. For whatever reason, the question “explain why you’re here” feels very blunt and antagonistic to him in a way he can’t quite ascertain. Like... in a “give the wrong answer, get booted right out the door” sorta way. He lifts his head, peering at all the humans spread across the room, each and every one with their own story, the central character of their own worlds. Some are texting on their phones as they wait for the receptionist to call their names, others are filling out forms as well. What brought these people here, he wonders? Surely there’s plenty of people having a worse time than him right now. Surely there’s people with real problems, people who are literally struggling just to stay alive from day-to-day. He’s not like that, right? Besides that one little wobble a month back, he’s been handling his problems on his own fairly okay. Hasn’t he? So what makes him selfish enough to think that he’s worth anyone’s time?

In his pocket his phone vibrates, knocking him back into reality. He yanks it out and switches it on to look at the new text splashed across the lock screen:

Dad: Hey Schtu-ball, just wanna let you know that I’m proud of you and love you very much. You’ve got this!

He stares at these words for a good minute, the kind sentiment— despite reading as a little hopelessly over-encouraging— filling the hollow space in his chest partway. Even if his dad’s been a bit overbearing in his affections this past month, it’s clear he means well.

So. Why am I here today, he thinks, reading the question over again. He folds his fingers up into a stiff fist, pulling his thumb across his knuckles. After licking his chapped lips and shoving his phone back in his pocket, he scribbles a hasty reply.

I feel really angry and empty and tense and just want to be better.

The teen pauses, allowing those words to echo over and over in his mind, to truly sink in. It’s such a succinct and to-the-point admission that he suddenly wonders why he ever doubted he was less deserving of aid than anyone else in this waiting room.

His countenance a little lighter now and his shoulders growing less stiff, he moves on to the next section.

To aid our counselors in providing you the best possible care, please rate the following statements on a scale from zero to four, zero meaning “not at all like me,” and four meaning “extremely like me.”

Steven’s eyes dart across the length of the massive table below these instructions, his previous anxiety rushing back into his brittle bones as if it’d never left. Each row is host to a short sentence and five blank boxes, numbered zero to four. Read it and rate yourself, right? Should be simple enough. But as his glance flits over these statements and he understands the sort of personal, probing questions they’re asking through them, he begins to mistrust his previous burst of optimism. Dread floods his system, making his cheeks flush bright pink. Heart pounding at the mere thought of people staring, he drops his head lower, successfully hiding most of his face behind the clipboard until he can coax that betraying glow into fading away.

In the end, this goes to prove that it doesn’t matter if everyone says therapy will be ‘helpful’ for him; reflecting on all this junk is still gonna suck.

Quietly, he takes a steadying breath and forces himself to read on, to crack open the hornet’s nest that is the depths of his crap brain.

1. I am shy around others.

He considers this for a moment. Shy. Historically, this has never been a word people would use to describe him. For years he reveled in the thrill of meeting new people, new Gems. His childhood eagerness to engage in fellowship with those around is half the reason Era 3 even exists. And he’s fine around people he knows. Like, on a rare good day he has no problem playing board games or watching cheesy soap operas with his friends. But to be fair... as of late, his eagerness to meet anyone new feels like it’s all but vanished. Is that being shy? Or is that just him failing to care for anyone beyond his inner circle?

With a small shrug he checks the box for one, and moves on.

2. I don’t enjoy being around people as much as I used to.

Hmm. Probably a three. People are unintentionally exhausting these days. He used to be energized by social interaction, and now it just leaves him sucked dry. Most days he’d rather stick to his room.

3. I feel isolated and alone.

The weight of the diamond embedded in his belly— something he normally barely notices— grows ever more apparent as he marks off a four.

4. My heart often races for no good reason.

Uh, yeah. What happened just a minute ago is a pretty good tell. Four.

5. I have spells of terror or panic.

Another four.

6. I am anxious that I might have a panic attack while in public.

Four once more. He holds his pencil tighter, squirming in his seat as he tries (and fails) not to think about the pale scars spread across his back, hidden in his hairline, and on the underside of his arms, indentations that once marked the base of the crystalline spines that jut out from between his scales.

7. I think about food more than I’d like to.

Steven pauses at this one. For once, he’s not sure he can say this statement applies to him. Truth be told, he only started caring about what he put in his mouth earlier this year, when he cut meat and fish out of his diet. And that’s not... a bad thing? It’s not bad to want to consider the impact your food choices have on the environment? He definitely didn’t choose to do so for self-denying reasons, and that’s probably what they’re asking about. He checks zero, and moves on.

8. I feel out of control when I eat.

He almost checks another zero, but then he remembers that day after the proposal... and the week after his incident. And he decides that even if he doesn’t consciously obsess over the food he eats, there’s still a few occasions where once he starts snacking he finds it difficult to stop. A one it is, then.

9. I have sleep difficulties.

This statement nearly makes him laugh. Does he have sleep difficulties. Hah. He doesn’t think he’s gotten a truly restful night of sleep since he sacrificed himself to Homeworld at fourteen.

A solid four. No question.

10. My thoughts are racing.

Four.

11. I feel uncomfortable around people I don’t know.

Hmm. Two.

12. I drink alcohol frequently.

The only alcohol he’s ever had is a tiny sip of his dad’s with permission at Garnet’s wedding reception, and it tasted terrible. He has no interest in drinking again. Zero.

13. When I drink alcohol I can’t remember what happened.

Zero.

14. I drink more than I should.

Zero again.

15. I have done something I have regretted because of drinking.

Another zero. It almost makes him feel better, just knowing there’s a decent number of lines on this paper that aren’t a carbon copy of his lived experience.

16. I feel sad all the time.

Aaaand back to “the story of his life.” Briefly, he wonders if ‘feeling sad’ is the same thing as feeling nothing at all. But then again, does the difference really matter? He checks the box for three.

17. I am concerned that other people don’t like me.

Three. Although honestly, he’s even more concerned that people continue to like him after everything he’s done.

18. I feel worthless.

Steven nibbles at the inside of his cheek as he reads this statement, memories automatically flashing through the pathetic events of the last few weeks, through all the days he barely crawled out from under his covers, all the days he didn’t even manage to brush his teeth or run his fingers through his greasy, knotted hair, all those awful days he couldn’t so much as play one of his video games without growing tired of it in minutes and taking a restless nap for the rest of the afternoon instead.

Four.

19. I feel helpless.

Two. Everyday affairs are a drag, but at the very least he knows he can fight his way out of danger in a pinch. He wouldn’t call that helpless.

20. I have thoughts of ending my life.

He freezes. Goes back, reads this line again. Reads it a third time to make sure he’s not horrendously misconstruing the prompt he’s been given.

(Tries not to think too deeply about the graphic images that flood his imagination some nights. It’s just stray thoughts, though. He’s fine.)

One, he marks, although his muscles can’t help but twitch as he shifts his wrist, as if deep down he knows he’s underplaying his answer.

21. I feel tense.

Steven gives a small snort under his breath. Yeah, he outright admitted as much earlier in this form. Four.

22. I get angry easily.

His grip tightens.

Four.

23. I have difficulty controlling my temper.

He swallows hard, his mouth feeling abnormally dry. He’s not sure he likes how blunt and probing this questionnaire is becoming.

Four...

24. I sometimes feel like breaking or smashing things.

His knuckles go white around his pencil, and he only barely resists the temptation to snap it in half as he feels a rush of hard light flow the distance from his gem through the veins of his arm. Geeze, it’s not like he means to break things! It’s just that all of his stupid powers are linked with his emotions, and whenever he gets even marginally upset now things start to splinter, crack in half, and inevitably end up broken. Just another sign he’s fated to ruin everything around him forever, and that his intent doesn’t matter. Why do they have to pry into this? He already feels terrible enough for thinking these things.

Three, he checks, his eyes damp, but mostly because he’s too scared what their response will be otherwise.

25. I am not able to concentrate as well as usual.

He takes a deep breath, coaxing his body to return to a baseline state. Eh. He’ll give this a two.

26. I feel self-conscious around others.

His glance skirts over the edge of the clipboard to monitor the four others currently spread out across the room. One’s rhythmically swinging their legs, another is still filling out a form like him, but sitting criss-cross on the chair, and the other two are quietly typing on their phones. Thankfully none of them are pressing an ounce of attention his way, (at least, not right now), but that doesn’t stop him from feeling like an exposed nerve. Three.

27. I am afraid I may lose control and act violently.

The raw memories hit like lightning before he can even think to prepare.

Flashes of Pink. Orange fragments, cold and slick in his palms. Thunder splits the skies overhead, each cacophonous sound manifesting in perfect synchronicity with his erratic heartbeat, with each tidal wave of thoughts gushing like a maelstrom through his head: SHATTERER, I’m a shatterer, I’m—

Feeling almost dizzy from the intensity of his heart’s pulse, he knows with full certainty that his cheeks are glowing bright pink again. All he can do is clench his fists, suck down whatever amount of fresh air his lungs will allow, and pray to the very stars themselves that it’ll fade away before it garners the attention of every last human in this place.

He checks the box for four, pencil marking so hard that slivers of graphite splinter off onto the page, and moves on before he can be cowardly enough to change his answer.

28. I have thoughts of hurting others.

His fingernails claw into the thin denim at his knee, limbs outright quivering as he stews in his seat, as he’s forced to reflect upon all the ugly, ugly thoughts that have flit across his awareness over the past weeks. Thoughts about one Gem specifically. He’s... always been angry, always harbored deep resentment... but ever since his most recent trip to visit Her, he hasn’t been able to shake this awful idea: a vision of him standing over the remnants of her gemstone, shattered, fragments spilled across the otherwise pristine floors of Homeworld. He... he didn’t do it when he had the chance. He wouldn’t do it, would he?

(Orange fragments, cold and slick...)

Would he??

And yet nevertheless, the thought tortures him with its frequency, makes him feel downright nauseous at every turn. He doesn’t want it. He doesn’t want to feel this way at all.

Four.

29. I am unable to keep up with my schoolwork.

Stop. Sharp inhale. Staccato, shaky exhale. Repeat, deeper this time. Repeat.

(He can no longer see neon pink reflecting in the smooth metal clasp at the top of his clipboard.)

Okay. Schoolwork.

N/A, he writes in one of the boxes, arm still trembling from the last two questions despite his attempt at cool-down exercises. Not applicable. He hasn’t even been to school, and dreads the inevitability of this therapist asking about that mess.

30. It’s hard to stay motivated for my classes.

N/A.

31. I feel confident that I can succeed academically.

N/A, once more.

And like that, the questionnaire is over. Steven is quick to hide his answers behind the front page, and slides the pencil through the length of the metal clip. He glances around him, drinking in his surroundings with pinpoint precision. Despite his earlier concerns, no one is maliciously staring. No one’s whispering. He internally wrestled with a few challenging subjects and what do you know, it didn’t end in an embarrassingly public meltdown. He— he wipes a stray tear from his eye with the butt of his palm— he took a solid step forward today.

Coercing his body to move, he pulls himself out of the cushioned chair and crosses the room.

“I finished,” he says softly, proudly, as he hands the clipboard and pencil to the receptionist. She smiles and accepts his hard-fought offering.

For the first time in a while, the smile he instinctively flashes back almost feels genuine.

I want to be better, he thinks. I will be better.

____

Notes:

This fic is loosely based on my own experience of the intake process, and the questionnaire I had to fill out. No two intake experiences are the same though, of course. This is merely one possibility. I also take personal liberties on the way I depict Steven’s struggle with mental health, and acknowledge and respect that no two fans’ interpretation will be the same.

Additional notes: -Steven’s still a minor, so he can’t actually sign contracts. I figure Greg signed a handful of forms beforehand as his guardian, and then left to allow his son a bit of privacy with filling out the questionnaire stuff. Since he's a teen, they're still giving him the full confidentiality clauses to look over so he's wholly aware how that works, though.

-To expand on a brief comment made in the midst of this, I headcanon that Steven cut both meat and fish out of his diet, and thus actually slipped up on his vegetarian diet when he was training with Jasper. I interpret this as further showcasing how the poor kid— due to being mentally vulnerable at the time and thus liable to coercion/unwise decisions— began to take actions that went against much of his established morality. He ended up sacrificing his dietary choices during those days, just like he briefly sacrificed his pacifistic views to fight Jasper.

-I also headcanon that the therapist Steven is going in to see after this isn’t the one he eventually sticks with and mentions as “my new therapist” in The Future. It’s totally normal and okay to try a few different people to find someone who you click with, after all.

Thank you for reading!

[shadaofallthings]

Harrow is thoroughly haunted (also very mentally unhealthy due to her parents/culture’s practices)

There are a couple points to this theory crafting I have, but the basic statement is as such: Harrow is haunted by more than one revenant, at the very least The Sleeper and AL/The Corpse but likely way more, potentially including every one of the 200 ghosts Harrow’s parents killed to make her. I’d also like to note that this theory will discuss mental health a main subject of its theorizing. Having mental health issues or possessing certain traits that society deems mentally unhealthy is not a mark against your own character, or a reason to try and be normal by society’s standards. This theory will also discuss potential physiological causes for mental health issues. If you are sensitive to such discussions, this is probably not the theory for you to be reading on a bad day for your own mental health.   The first thing this theory hinged on is Ortus’ ability to contribute to the summoning of Matthias Nonias through, as Abigail says without the narrative challenging her, passion alone. This establishes that while most works of passion and people’s attempts to connect with their departed loved may not be enough to create a link, a notably obsessive work of passion and focus, one worked on for years, can have effects on The River, and Revenants summoned from it. Pretty simple, all you gotta accept for this one is that people with certain obsessions or fixations, the kinds that keep them thinking about someone for years, can help summon ghosts. The second thing this is hinged on is that when you summon/forge a bond through the method that Ortus did, you shape how the ghost will be summoned into reality. This is most easily demonstrated by Matthias Nonias commenting, multiple times, on the fact its strange that he is speaking in meter, that his behaviors in his duel with The Sleeper were not the normal ones of a trained, legendary fighter, and that as people took on/professed the belief in that work of epic poetry fanfiction was legit and could summon Matthias he actually managed to be summoned to the reality bubble they were in and impose specifically that fanfic’s rules on both Matthias and The Sleeper.  Third, this theory is hinged on the actions and mental state of Harrow the First/Ninth, and the actions/culture/beliefs of people surrounding her. First off, I would like to establish that Harrow has been exposed to conditions that would cause her to be likely to develop symptoms that are on the schizo-spectrum of disorders (schizophrenia, schizotypal, etc etc). The first of such conditions is actually the most important from a biology perspective: Harrow’s immediate family has a practice for keeping their secrets. When they wish to discuss the family business they draw a bath of cold saltwater, get in it, and do it from there. It is explicitly described as “freezing” in both Gideon the Ninth and Harrow the Ninth by Harrow herself. Repeat hypothermia is a physiological trigger that can cause a person to develop schizospectrum disorders, and I would argue that her parents exposed her to repeat hypothermia, and Harrow would confirm these baths have been going on since she learned to keep secrets (likely around 5-7). Second, we have contributing factors to this mental state, most notably is the Incense that is described in Gideon as being used by The Ninth House in their worship. If, and this is a big if given how little we know specifics, this incense was Frankincense or uses similar molecular structures (possible given the influence of Christianity over the Dademperor’s Cult), we would know that Harrow all her life has been exposed to a mild hallucinogen (and also antidepressant, but that effect of frankincense isn’t relevant), which while unless overexposed significantly (to the point it would cause some lung damage if done repeatedly) she would’t have hallucinations NORMALLY, we have already discussed why Harrow’s brain chemistry wouldn’t be normal and this could have an affect overall on the development of her mental health. We also know from Harrow’ behavior and information about her parents that she herself gives that she has been instilled with a rather potent guilt complex over the 200 dead who were sacrificed to make her (One of her prayers included “and let me be buried in 200 graves” ffs). More miscellaneous stuff to include in contributing factors to Harrow being predisposed towards guilt and hallucinations and fixations as well includes Harrow being around the dead and dying for her entire life, being a Necromancer, both bad ventilation due to the infrastructure of the Ninth House as well as exposure to a nerve agent that canonically throws your brain into destructive overdrive, and discovering The Corpse in The Locked Tomb (this last one being notable as having happened around the beginning of puberty or during giving her a reason that her death fixation might become what is in cannon called Corpse Lust). She’s a kid, basically, in a hormonal shitstorm of growing up: she doesn’t know how to stop her head from doing fuckshit to itself). In addition to her fixation on The Corpse however is the sheer amount of time she spent worrying about it, lusting after it, being comforted by hallucinations of it, and otherwise spending a large amount of her mental effort thinking about The Corpse one way or another. Now, lets braid these threads into a rope. We know that passion and obsession can make a legitimate metaphysical link to a revenant, allowing them to find their way back into Shallower waters or even the world through objects and ideas (such as an epic poem fanfic, and potentially people, but DEFINITELY prayers [poems and phrases repeated that cause certain patterns of thoughts) given the nature of what we’ve seen). We know that Harrow has spent a large amount of her life giving worship, strong emotion and most importantly obsession towards The Corpse/AL. Also, we know from Harrow the Ninth in direct statements by some spirit focused allies that Revenants can use any connection they have to the world to get back into it, even if that’s in a limited capacity. For good measure, we also know that Harrow’s been giving this treatment to a more nebulous idea of All The People Who Died To Allow Her To Be Born/A Necromancer, and we also know that she has more connections spiritually which likely support that 200 people as well. As such, my claim is this: Harrow is both mentally affected in a way similar to what she thinks is her stated insanity in that she does experience hallucinations, moments of paranoia and panic over very little/nothing, and so on (worth noting is that Harrow would be exceptionally well adapted for coping with this. These changes are physical almost purely, as Gideon while inside Harrow’s head and getting a show of her perceptions either can not tell that Harrow didn’t have a corpse under her bed, or didn’t know that a potentially fugue state ridden Harrow moved a corpse there (its very unclear what actually went down in that scene and there’s a lot potentially going down but Gideon experiences life as Harrow does and that is what’s important). On the metaphysical side of things though, Harrow is Haunted by at least 2 ghosts, likely many more. She wouldn’t know because she is bad at Spirit magic, and potentially could be having her ghosts give her an aversion toward learning it, but it is commented on by more than one capable spirit necromancer (Dademperor and Abigail). She has to be haunted by The Sleeper, as the plot literally revolves around that being a thing, but she also shows more signs of a haunting. Harrow loses one of the hallucinations that always has been present with her in times of stress when she leaves her physical body behind during the Resurrection Beast fight, but the same hallucination is also present when Gideon rides her body into The River, potentially being a saving factor for Harrow’s original body, the body that would actually have the connection to The Corpse. In addition, Harrow when she emerges from The River had a connection that she followed back to her home in the form of the tomb, and where her obsession previously slept, a body that could never have been moved by anyone but her, the Dademperor or the revenant herself. In addition, the Corpse gives her advice on things she could have never known about more than once, and generally tries to do things that Harrow would find helpful or supportive (even if that would be creepy to her, like “bringing her tea” during a conversation with someone). As such, we can say without a shadow of a doubt that Harrow is haunted by two people, The Sleeper who is latching onto her thoughts through magics, likely, and The Corpse/AL who is entering our reality primarily through Harrow’s thoughts as she figures out how to be a person again and is exposed to more things that would give her connections (note how she becomes more coherent and proactive after Dademperor reminisces about her, her only other strong connection to the world beyond Harrow and her corpse). We can also infer that after so much time thinking about all the people who died for her in terms of guilt and their lost lives that she might also have the revenants of a few angry children/teens/young adults holding on.  TLDR: Harrow’s got a ghost “girlfriend” (wildly unhealthy for her) that possesses Harrow’s hallucinations of her, is haunted by The Sleeper for the course of at least Harrow(the book) and is potentially haunted by the revenants of every person who died to make her birth/magic possible.

[weelittleweasley]

Ok so can I ask you for some advice? I’m 20 and never had a boyfriend or anything. Literally not even close to anything and I’ve always been so embarrassed and insecure about that, thinking something’s wrong with me. And some of my friends have said like years ago it’s maybe because I have really high standards and I’m afraid reading all this fan fiction will just make that worse if it is true? I know it’s all just fantasy obviously but idk if it’s gonna make it even worse. But honestly it just makes me really happy. I’ve been struggling with mental health for so long so fan fics really help me escape reality and imagine myself as someone I wish I was. Again, I know that’s super unhealthy lol but I’ve just been mulling over this a lot. Idk what do you think?

Ps your work is absolutely incredible and thank you for sharing your talent 🥺

Okay LEXI ADVICE CORNER BABY

First off, so sweet that you came to me for some advice this really warms my heart in all the right places. So here’s what I have to say based off of my own personal experiences and my judgement and wisdom. 

There is nothing wrong with not being a relationship at the age of 20. I’m also 20 years old and I’ve only been in two relationships (both short lived). There is nothing wrong with you at all. I find that we believe its something to be insecure about because we grew up with so much culture, media, and entertainment that circles around on relationships and getting boyfriends/girlfriends/partners from such a young age. Literally look at Disney and Nickelodeon. Middle school and high school students being in committed relationships at the age of fourteen. Not to say that if you did have a partner at that age is bad because you do you, but as a mass group of people who consumed so much of this content, it makes you feel left out when you aren’t experiencing those things. There is nothing wrong with not having boyfriend at this age. In fact, I think it’s always best (as cliche as it sounds) to find who you are and what you want in this life before you find someone to share life with. You have to be happy before you share happy with someone else.

I do not think indulging in fan fiction is a bad thing. You should have high standards because you need the best for you. No excuses. You are figuring out what you like and don’t like and what you want and don’t want into a relationship. Sure, fanfiction is exactly that, fiction, but I don’t think it’s making things worse. It’s just exposing you to have some relationships can be. If fanfictions help you and make you happy and help you escape, KEEP READING. You need to take care of yourself and if this is one way to help you escape and you are indulging in a healthy way, by all means go for it. As for wishing you were someone else, that’s honestly normal in my experience. I’ve thought to myself so many times that I wish I was direct with my feelings and didn’t overthink, but that’s who I am. I have other traits about myself that I love and wouldn’t change for the world. And you should have traits that you love about yourself as well because I know for a fact there is so much to love.

So with all of this being said, please don’t feel insecure about not being in a relationship or never have been in one. There are so many people in the same boat as you and that is okay. A relationship doesn’t define you or your worth. A relationship should add to your life in a healthy, positive way that doesn’t make you feel like you are sacrificing something. Things will come in and the person will come into your life when the universe sees that you are ready. But just know that I am here for you and so many other people are too.

Please take care of yourself and allow yourself to read as an escape in a healthy way. You are so loved and so valued. I adore you.

Have a beautiful day, my sweet anon. You deserve the world and more. Thank you for being so wonderful and supporting me. 

All my love and goodness,

Lexi xo

[ywhiterain]

sacrifice

I recently saw a post go around that basically said that SPN had Sam in season eight go on about how he was unpure in The Great Escapist and then just did nothing with it.

Which, to me, is such a baffling statement, I’m not even sure where to begin.

Season eight was brutal to Sam. He started out in a fairly good place. He was making plans and exploring a life beyond hunting. His greatest ~sin in the beginning was not helping Kevin. But, see, Kevin saved himself. Sam said that it’s not his responsibility to save everyone on the planet and the narrative backed him up. The world did not end because he retired.

In sacrifice, Sam’s first response to Dean convincing him to quit the trials was that if he stopped, a lot of people would die.

His change of opinion wasn’t random, it was carefully built up over season eight, with Dean, in particular, belittling and shaming basically every episode. The only times Dean ever really showed confidence in Sam’s abilities to finish the trail were with strangers when Sam wasn’t around or to shame Cas.

As Sam got sicker, I genuinely think Dean’s mother henning stemmed from worry and frustration that Sam wasn’t taking care of himself. But after a year of Dean questioning his competence, Sam refused care. He needed to be strong enough to face the trails. It wasn’t a macho heroic move, it was the desperate last actions of a mental breakdown.

It’s a genre show so that mental breakdown was depicted as his body breaking down.

The trails were emotional hits. He killed the hellhound and took on the trails because Dean was suicidal and Sam still had enough faith and hope that things could get better. Saving Bobby’s soul was great, but Bobby, too, shamed Sam for the crime of not looking for Dean. Bobby’s last words were to the brothers was to let go because, hey, messing with the natural order of things fucks shit up.

Saving Crowley’s humanity might have been his biggest personal win. After Crowley killed Sarah Blake.

These trails were not about Sam proving his worth, being purified, or becoming stronger. The trails were literally about tearing up his body and sacrificing his life.

Sam misinterpreted the trails killing him as saving him because of how he’s internalized being a freak. An abomination. He tells Dean it doesn’t matter that him being infected with demon blood wasn’t his fault. Because he is what he is.

But, here’s the thing. One of the sins Dean suggests Sam confess was losing his soul. This, in no way, could reasonably be constructed as a sin on Sam’s part. That was something that was done to him. But that’s something Dean frames as Sam’s fault.

I don’t think that Dean wakes up every morning and strokes a kitten as he thinks about how to destroy Sam’s mental health. That’s not how people tend to work. Abusive relationships, in particular, do not work that way. Dean’s horror at Sam’s complete willingness to die was legitimate.

“Hell, I know I've said some junk that set you back on your heels.”

Dean’s panicked reasoning is also telling. Instead of building Sam up and telling him why didn’t deserve to die, Dean brought up a list of things he’s done on behalf of Sam. 

Compare this to Sam’s response to Dean’s suicidal speech. He tells Dean that he’s more than a grunt. That he’s a genius. That he sees a light at the end of the tunnel and he wants Dean to make it through with him.

Sam’s feelings of impurity, wrongness, and failure are not about the demon blood inside of him. The demon blood is a metaphor for anything that makes a person an other in their own families and communities. The trails were the manifestation that consistent belittling and dehumanizing from family and community does to a person.

Dean’s solution to a man dying of thirst was water laced with poison. Sam is not purified from unholy demon blood. he’s tied closer to an abusive brother. It’s no coincidence that the end of season eight leads to Dean’s most egregious act of violation to Sam yet.

Supernatural is a horror story.

[thefools-journey]

The Tarot in Love

AKA QUICK TAROT META

So. Apparently a lot of Arcana fans don’t understand or know the connection between the LIs and their tarot cards. This will be a quick primer on said tarot cards and how they influence the LI routes. It’s important to note that most cards have multiple domains and influences. The type of reading, the question posed, and the other cards within the reading will determine which domain or influence is being accessed.

Before we start, note that every single LI begins their route on the Reversed Path. A Reversed Card in this game means that the card’s energy is stuck and something is preventing its full expression.

ASRA THE MAGICIAN

The Magician’s main domains circle Action. The Magician knows what he wants and goes after it, damn the consequences. If he is committed and willing, he makes miracles happen. He is the kinetic energy to the High Priestess’ potential energy. As the MC says in the prologue when they pull this card (for Nadia), this card signals that the time to act is now. 

Asra begins his route full of inaction. Sure, he seems like he is on the go and doing things but in reality, he is paralyzed. He has allowed his ties to Muriel and Nadia decay in favor of the MC. He hasn’t acted on vital information only he knows. He has lost his purpose, his drive, for knowledge, for love, etc. Some of this is down to his caregiver role with the MC - Asra cannot act or do much of anything in that quarter without risking the MC's health. Most of it is down to the year from hell ™ where Asra learned just how far he will go and just how powerful and ruthless he can be for those he loves. The year from hell ™ demonstrates exactly what the Magician is made to do. Asra scared himself really badly here. So he starts the route in a sort of limbo. Key to his Upright ending is widening his world, making the Magician understand that what he fights for is not just himself, his narrow goals, and loves but something much bigger.

NADIA THE HIGH PRIESTESS

The High Priestess deals in a few interlocking domains. She guards the boundaries between the mundane and the mysterious. She is the great potential waiting to be unlocked. Arguably, she is magic itself. She is the inner voice, that gut feeling, that intuition you cannot explain but know is right. She asks you to trust that part of yourself.

Nadia's route is arguably the best balanced in terms of the magical and mundane storylines. This is no accident. This balance is fundamental to the High Priestess' domain. When her route begins, Nadia trusts no one, not even herself. Thanks to missing nine years’ worth of memories, she understandably feels adrift. She has no idea what is going on and who to trust. Nadia’s only real tethers, and they are tenuous ones, are to Portia and the MC, the latter of whom she hopes can somehow help her. The year from hell ™ even if she no longer remembers it, also played a large role in starting her down the Reversed path. More than once, Nadia admits to withdrawing, emotionally, physically, and mentally, from the outside world as a way to cope. This was not a strategic or necessary withdrawal as her Birthday memory makes clear: together with Asra and Julian, the three of them could have held together and figured out a path forward. It wouldn’t have been easy, of course. But the very real danger in Nadia’s route is her belief that she and she alone must make things right, which goes against the High Priestess’ ways. The High Priestess sees potential in all around her. If Nadia turns away from that part of her which begs her listen and reach out, she is truly lost. Nadia’s Upright Ending requires her to find balance between what she can know and what she must simply have faith in, to be the boundary between the known and unknown. It requires her to learn how to trust not only others but herself again.

MURIEL THE HERMIT

The Hermit is searching for something. Not something from the outer world but something from within. Some mystery needs solving, some understanding needs creating, a higher call needs answering. He turns inward for answers, though he will seek or receive guidance from trusted sources. Through his search, he will create a still center, a solid, unbreakable foundation to call upon in times of high action and stress. Through this struggle, the Hermit can become that guide for others, focusing and directing their own journeys.

Muriel's route is the most fascinating and difficult of the routes because the Hermit's journey is by definition an internal one. Want to know why his route is so wrapped up in taking him out of his every day world and forcing him to discover his past? That’s why; it is a way of externalizing the very internal struggle for validation and focus the Hermit embodies. When his route begins, Muriel very literally has withdrawn from the world. And not just any world, but a world craving his experience and expertise. Of all the characters, Muriel has the most information on what is happening and why, above and beyond even Asra. Muriel holds the keys to so many happy endings and yet, he has chosen to be forgotten and isolated. As with Nadia, this retreat was not a strategic one but one borne of fear. Muriel has the knowledge and allies to handle the challenges which he faces. What he lacks and what he is building in his route is the internal fortitude, the stable foundation necessary to not only survive the challenges which come for him but to thrive and defeat them. The genius of this route’s Upright Ending is that the MC is building this fortitude right alongside Muriel, guiding him and being guided in turn. The MC protects Muriel, guiding him back into the larger world with a caring hand and back to rely on. In turn, Muriel answers the higher calling within himself to face the Devil. He solidifies his foundational revelations and becomes a guide in turn towards the Devil’s defeat. Make no mistake, when the foundation is as rock hard as that pair will be, the fiercest storm is no match.

JULIAN THE HANGED MAN

The Hanged Man is a card of waiting, potentiality, and knowing surrender. Some say it is a card of martyrdom but really it’s a card about sacrificing and letting go, winning through stepping back and allowing things to happen to you. The Hanged Man suspends action, waiting for some unknown or a revelation. Through the paradox of stepping back or surrendering, the Hanged Man finds what he needs to achieve victory. When you see the Hanged Man in a general reading, it’s asking you whether the actions you’re taking are having the opposite effect that you intended. It asks you to let go and step back. 

Julian begins his route like he begins most things: with a dramatic flair just before he faceplants. Julian is flailing every which way with no rhyme or reason. Because he has lost so much control over his life, he tightens his grip on what little he can control. He leads the MC on, then unceremoniously drops them before they can drop him or be hurt. He has taken the entire world and all its consequences on his shoulders. Julian feels out of control and unable to slow down, process, and wait. Most of his restless catastrophizing stems from the year from hell ™- he watched countless thousands die, failed to stop it, and woke up with no memory and a murderer’s brand on his hand. It’s only when he begins to let go, to allow people to make their own decisions and minds towards him that things start to turn around for him. His Upright Ending rewards players who reinforce the Hanged Man’ lessons: you cannot control everything, nor should you try, and sometimes it’s doing what feels wrong (in his case, letting others help him shoulder his burdens, just try to count how many times he says something along the line of ‘it’s wrong for others to want to help me’) that leads to victory.

LUCIO THE DEVIL

The Devil is a card about power and control, who and what has it in your life. This can manifest in a myriad of ways, from feeling out of control to obsessing over things and people to actively controlling others. The Devil is usually a warning card, a sign that something or someone has an unhealthy hold over you (or that you have an unhealthy hold over someone). The Devil also deals in materialism and the obsession with status. Again, this goes back to the power and control domains. Some interpretations also add ignorance to the Devil’s domain, which can also be traced back to his control domain. If you are unaware of something, you cannot take control of it. The Devil asks you to reevaluate and reassess what and who you allow to have power in your life. It asks you to retake responsibility for your own destiny.

Lucio begins his route as a literal shade of a man, a shell of his former self, unable to interact with the world he so slavishly desires. This is the debt he has accumulated through a lifetime of irresponsibility, an obsession with instant gratification, and a desperate need to be seen by others as powerful, desirable, and control. In his quest to become the most powerful man on the planet, he has instead wound up with nothing, completely ignorant as to the cause of his circumstances. This is why he is stuck as the Devil's least favorite whipping boy. If Lucio had taken responsibility and come clean, even back when he was dying, he could have avoided the worst of his problems. As it stands, he is still dodging responsibility, allowing his obsessions to dominate his life, and ensuring his mistakes continue to compound against him. That is why getting him to own up and regain control of himself is key to his Upright Ending. It sounds cruel but that hard, grinding self reflection is the only way he stands a chance of fully, utterly breaking his chains.

PORTIA THE STAR

The Star is a card of peace, hope, clarity, and truth. It is that small light in the dark, asking you to endure the night. It tells you that you have the tools to do so. Keep your hope, find your peace, and hold to your truth. The end of your journey is in sight. It is a card of seeing and knowing, not action.

I already wrote a huge meta on Portia's route and how her status as the Star impacts it. Portia begins her route hurting from and hoarding secrets. She wants to find the truth but has given up almost all hope of uncovering it. Despite knowing the costs of keeping people in the dark, Portia continues doing so, a silent observer too paralyzed and overwhelmed to act on the truths she knows. The most obvious demonstration of this is her dealings with Nadia. Portia has worked with her for months but hasn't told her about Julian, her literacy, and her invitation. Telling Nadia these truths would solve several of Portia's problems but she can't bring herself to do it due to fear. Her route is all about truths, exposing them or hiding them. Key to her Upright ending is getting her to act on her truths and bring them to light. Knowing the truth isn’t enough if you aren’t willing to act on it.

-Telos