#there are a couple viewpoints from there of course. like 1) he could just be gay or desire sex almost at all in the og culture

[libraryleopard]

I was procrastinating on my homework by thinking about how much I want a New Mutants animated show and occasionally my sister @kazz-brekker​ and I bounce ideas for it off of each other, so I made some New Mutants characters on picrew.

Doug (left) and Warlock (right) are at the top. My sister and I call Doug a “Very Nice Boy” a lot (Alan Davis draws a very cute, huggable-looking Doug in particular) so I gave him a sweater because that kind of fits the vibe for me. Warlock takes on a human form a couple of times in the classic New Mutants comic so I made him in that form, with yellow eyes to indicate that’s there’s something not-quite-human about him. 

Roberto (left), has a Hawaiian shirt. I know he wears it as a reference to Magnum, PI, a show that a current-day teenager probably wouldn’t be into, but I just enjoy the vibe of that outfit for him. (The other day I was talking to my sister about how you’d update the New Mutants as modern teenagers and tormented her with cursed idea that the equivalent of Beto being into a detective show nowadays would be BBC Sherlock, but that’s mostly a joke.) 

I gave Sam (right) freckles and kind of shaggier hair because you can’t do much with face shapes on icon makers, but I’ve always liked that he and Doug have distinct looks from each other despite both being white teenage boys with blond hair. Beto and Sam’s relationship doesn’t read as romantic to me in the original New Mutants comics (I read them has having a three-year age difference in the Claremont run, which can be a significant maturity difference when you’re a teenager) but I do think there’s a vibe between them later on in X-Force (I still haven’t read Hickman’s New Mutants yet), so I think of them, and especially Beto, as bisexual. 

Dani (left) has her hair in her two iconic braids, of course. I think she and Sam have somewhat similar fashion choices as well as being co-leaders of the team, so she’s wearing overalls like he is. I imagine she’s wearing her Cheyenne belt just outside the frame of the picture. I think she should get to be the kind of central viewpoint character for the introduction of the team because 1) I love her and 2) I think it’s interesting that she’s not completely on board with Professor X at the start. She’s younger than Sam, but her age is never explicitly given that I’ve seen, so I think she’s about 15 when she joins the team.

Rahne (right) has her short hair and a hint of fangs to give a sense of her wolf form. I know Rahne has had a string of very bad stories in the 2000s, but in the Claremont run of New Mutants I very much read her as a baby lesbian with a crush on Dani whose struggles with being rejected by her religious community for being a mutants very much parallels and is intertwined with her sexuality. My hot take on New Muutants is that Rahne is not the baby of the team, that’s Beto (early on it says she’s 14 and Beto is 13, though I think that might get retconned later), and she’s just kind of short and naive so she comes off as younger.

X’ian (left) has her hair in the bob haircut with bangs she got in the early issues of the Claremont comics. (I do think her pink buzzcut from X-Force is kinda fun, but I think that’s very much something she would evolve as a character to get.) Also, since her name is actually incorrect by Vietnamese naming conventions, I think an adaptation should have the freedom to call her Xuyen instead. (I also think a lot of her storylines in the early comics, like the grossly fatphobic Shadow King storyline, should be discarded and writers could create new stories for her in an adaptation of the comics. Also, she’s a lesbian, of course. (God bless Vita Ayala for finally giving her a girlfriend.)

Illyana (left) is another member of the overalls gang because she wears them sometimes as a teenager. I know she’s all goth as an adult, but I think that’s less present in her character design as a kid. Designing these characters is also making me realize that in my ideal world like half of the New Mutants are lesbians.

Amara (right) looks completely different from her comics version because I hate the comics version of Amara! In this version, she’d be indigenous Brazilian and…not Empath’s girlfriend. I think, like Xuyen, an adaptation could rewrite a lot of her stories and be the better for it (I believe X-Men: Evolution did, though I’ve never seen it).

I included Tabby (left) because I think she’d be a fun character to join the later seasons of a New Mutants cartoon. She’s not an original member of the team, but she and the other X-Factor kids do end up joining the New Mutants after the events of X-Terminators. 

Rictor (bottom because I ran out of regular image spaces) would also join the New Mutants later. I know he was being a baby punk in this era, but the clothing options didn’t include that, so I gave him a Star Trek t-shirt because he does canonically like Star Trek. He also has long hair because I enjoy when Rictor has long hair! Out of all of these characters, he’s the one I’m incapable of calling by his civilian name because canonically doesn’t let many people call him that. Anyway, I think he and Tabby are tight best friends and I like their relationship.

I also included Shatterstar because 1) he is technically a New Mutants character since he was introduced in the final issue before it relaunched into X-Force and 2) I like him. In this version, he’s biracial because Dazzler’s original character concept had her be a Black disco singer, though I kept his red hair because it’s an iconic part of his character design. I do like how Yasmin Putri drew him on the covers of the Tim Seeley Shatterstar solo series (even if I didn’t like the writing or some of the interior art), so I very badly gave him a glowing eye and a star mark. Also I gave him a little braid because I like when he has a little braid :)

Anyway, I have a lot of other thoughts about a New Mutants cartoon and in particular how a lot of their superpower would translate better to animation than live action, but I’ve spent enough time procrastinating by making this.

[ryouverua]

Saimota is a fantastic ship that only improves with age and their respective maturity. Right from the get-go we see this in canon, too! They have a tumultuous first clash at the end of chapter 1 which is immediately turned on its head, and the subsequent growth and development of their in-game relationship really stands out that much more because of it.

This is a long one, so strap in!

Kaito realizes his mistake in his approach after punching him the night before and rectifies it immediately the next morning when he notices Shuichi hasn’t come to breakfast, rightly guessing that he’s stewing in his own grief and misery. And then, being the emotionally intelligent guy he is, he follows up that night and drags him out to exercise (which, y’know, releases endorphins and is scientifically proven to help with mood boosts and even depression) - a move which Shuichi says in chapter 5 saved his life.

A couple days pass and a body drops. Kaito supports him through the investigation knowing that Kaede had been with him last time and that there’s a danger of him relapsing. In the trial, too, Kaito makes every effort to let Shuichi know that he isn’t alone and someone does have his back if he fumbles. This is the real moment that Shuichi chooses to depend on Kaito and is rewarded for it, and while Kaito does get plenty of ego-feed out of it, he believes in Shuichi and his talent wholeheartedly (enough so that it’ll come back to bite him later). But despite it being framed as a ‘hero and sidekick’ relationship, it’s not just for Kaito’s self-worth - it’s to take some of the mental load off of Shuichi, who really, really doesn’t want the pressure of everyone’s lives solely on his shoulders, and is now dealing with the guilt of two cases where uncovering the guilty party hurt him.

(quick chapter 2 interlude! while this is where a lot of the big hero-worship begins for Shuichi and happens to be where I also did his first FTE and got to witness this:

this is also the chapter when these moments happen, post-breakfast and post-casino scene respectively:

and this happens in the very next FTE:

mmm yes, the duality of man. Suffice it to say, while Shuichi has definite rose-coloured glasses on for a lot of the game, Kaito is definitely not an invincible, untouchable hero in his eyes)

Interestingly enough, despite Shuichi still very much leaning into their friendship (and vice versa), they don’t spend a lot of time together in Chapter 3 after he brings Maki out to training that first night! While Chapter 4 is their real ‘break’, Kaito spends a lot of time in his room in the second half while Shuichi gets to know Maki better. And while Maki is a much, uh, meaner investigation partner (love you girl, but that tongue is sharp), they make a great team. Shuichi also starts poking at Kaito’s reason for holing up in his room, incorrectly guess that it’s just related to the occult being brought up. Most importantly, Shuichi is able to do an investigation on his own independent of Kaito just a week after the end of Chapter 1.

Chapter 4 and its immediate aftermath in 5 is great because it showcases Kaito’s flaws and insecurity, and what conflict between the two of them look like. It’s because Kaito respects Shuichi so much that cracks in his own confidence start appearing - and while Shuichi can be obtuse and awkward at times, he shows signs of wanting to broach some more sensitive topics with Kaito; if you do FTEs with Kaito in Ch 4, he even has an inner narrative in which he notes that Kaito had said his stomach hurt before.

He’s not so self-absorbed as to not worry about his friend (but narratively we gotta save that juicy plot point and subsequent reveal for the end of the trial) but hey, Kaito wants to chill and just shoot the shit - so why not have some downtime with his friend in the murder school. Btw, their FTE availability ends here - so if Shuichi has completed them with Kaito, he’s already had his canon-saimota thoughts at this point. While I have given Shuichi the side-eye for his ‘I can rely on Kaito for anything’ spiel, he is fully able and willing to stand up to Kaito in the Chapter 4 trial despite his canon feelings for him at that point. By the way, it’s been a week and a half since the end of Chapter 1 at this point. Shuichi and Kaito have had an arc together where they become fast friends in a pressure-cooker situation and bonding over shared grief for Kaede (even if Kaito’s is less obvious), Shuichi starts as dependent on Kaito’s emotional support but learns to stand on his own two feet, and Kaito is forced to confront his own weakness and hero persona, all while classmates are dropping (including Kaito’s own ex-hero figure, a stark reminder that ‘heroes’ do have flaws).

So the beginning of Chapter 5 is wild to me because of how it’s so often misinterpreted as Kaito immaturely giving Shuichi the silent treatment despite the entirety of the game preceding it explicitly showing that Kaito will tell you, loudly, when he’s angry at you, and that’s purely because we’re in Shuichi’s perspective and he thinks that’s what’s going on - but that’s a bit of a tangent. What I like about it is how we get to see what happens when Kaito (as sick as he is at that point) feels badly and embarrassed with someone he is close to; he withdraws as opposed to lashing out. And while Shuichi is really, really bad at reaching out too without an inciting incident (tunnel escape), he does try and broach the topic when push comes to shove. He’s not lost in hero worship, not even close - he is rightfully upset that the person he’s closest to at the school is upset while still maintaining to himself and the others that his actions were correct. He doesn’t waver on this, despite his attempt to offer an olive branch at the window of the hangar’s bathroom. He truly stands by his own choices in the last class trial and know he won't back down on that if push comes to shove, and that's important - he won't yield the point just to appease Kaito. Shuichi then manages the investigation on his own, leads the trial on his own, faces off with Maki (and who he thinks is Kokichi) on his own, because he has *reached* a point where he can be independent. And to bring it back to how we get a look at ‘saimota in conflict’, Shuichi and Kaito both make amends with each other by the end of the chapter. Even if it’s spurred by it being their final goodbye, Shuichi gets to say his piece, Kaito lays out one of his own vulnerabilities so he can make peace with Shuichi - and even if I’d love to have had them delve into all of Kaito's various issues, there is a very murderous robobear overseeing this which makes time a factor - and I firmly believe that if they had more time, they could’ve resolved even more of the issues that would come up for Saimota. The groundwork wasn’t just there; there was already half the structure in place. And that’s what makes saimota even more appealing to me, tbh. We get to see them build a relationship, run into a big issue, struggle through it and resolve it by the end of the game - and it means that there’s precedent for them to do it again as more interpersonal challenges come up! It’s a goldmine of ship exploration, and they care about each other enough to work through it.

… By the way, at this point they are 2 weeks past the end of Chapter 1.

Imagine if they had more time. Imagine if Shuichi, who is absolutely dogged in pursuing an issue once he catches wind of it (despite how he can get wrapped up in his own head), who cares a lot for other people, who doesn’t just find runaways as part of his detective talent, but follows up with them after because he cares about more than just finishing the job, had the chance to spend years with Kaito and realize he uses his hero persona to protect a much more fragile sense of self. Imagine Shuichi forming that initial friendship with Kaito without the albatross of Kaede’s death hanging around his neck; about how he’ll still look up to Kaito and his fantastic positivity, passion and excellence in his chosen field, and that would only be matched by Kaito’s own admiration of Shuichi’s skills as a detective. Imagine if Kaito, who repeatedly shows the ability to reflect and change his mind when presented with evidence against his viewpoint and was able to express his own insecurity and jealousy to Shuichi in the end, was given the breathing room and space to get more comfortable with doing so. Imagine how difficult and emotionally mature they were to navigate as well as they did in a life-or-death situation that took place over a couple of weeks tops, and how much more they could grow if given the time and space for it.

... And this was nearly going to be where I ended the post, until Ira reminded me of TDP and sent me this wonderful Saimota event (which takes place before the final graduation/training trio event):

Oh hey, Shuichi picked up his catchphrase! It's quite cute how he's finishing Kaito's sentence here - he's spent a couple of years being friends with Kaito at this point, and has even taken up exercising on his own for stress relief. I wonder whose influence that was?

Anyway -

Shuichi has figured out at this point that he does need to firmly extend that helping hand to Kaito rather than worry and keep it to himself. On the other side, Kaito has learned that it is okay to accept that outstretched hand, even if he doesn't need it right now - that he can admit that some day, he might. He's being blase, sure, but it is a far cry from his in-game 'I don't/won't need help'. Good for you, Kaito - you've grown a lot! And that's the most important thing their TDPs show - their capacity for growth not just as individuals, but in a relationship. Of course there will be bumps along the way - it’s very rare that any relationship won’t have them! - but they've proven that they can work these problems in the worst of circumstances. This is by far one of the strongest ships with canon foundation in the entire series, and my goodness do I still love it years later.

[snowlily95]

Aerith in light of healthcare provider

So, I've wanted to write an analysis about Aerith in light of her medical viewpoint for quite a long time but only recently got the chance to complete it. It is well known in the game that Aerith is the healer of the story. She possesses a great MP with a limit break to heal and buff people which greatly affects your gameplay. Of course, you can equip others with Healing and Prayer materias to render them useful for healing as well. But story-wise, no one can take away Aerith's status as the healer. We know in canon that Aerith provided herbs to the Sector 5 slums doctor to create medicine. And if you finished the Corneo Stash side quest in Chapter 14, you can return to the church and see a couple of elderly sitting on the pew praying. And when you come closer to them you'll hear them talking about how they didn't see Aerith around and they're sure she's alright and probably be around healing people. You know, since the Sector 7 plate just fell. (Even though Aerith is not alright actually coz she was kidnapped by Shinra by this time) Point is, we are fed by the NPCs on how much Aerith had helped around as a healer. She had been doing this for years.

While being in denial about who she actually is, being a healer had always been implanted in her. She is used to it. When you're used to being a healer, there's a certain level when you have a different reaction compared to others. The way you think is different. Apart from that, she's also a Cetra. And we knew for a fact Cetra had a certain affinity towards souls who are returning to the Planet. Meaning, as much as she is used to healing others, she's also used to sensing death.

My whole point is that being a Cardiac Anaesthesiologist and Intensivist as I am, I can totally relate my position with Aerith, as we both have constantly helped people and encounter death on daily basis. While I'm pretty confident that the majority of these might be coincidences (because I'm pretty sure there are no doctors in the SE team), I thought the coincidences are pretty cool to ponder upon and I'm amazed at how the subtle differences between Aerith's reaction to events from other characters.

I'm gonna ignore the meta part of Aerith, mainly because I'm not discussing how much Aerith knew, and if there was anything in jeopardy of what she knew whatsoever. So we're gonna focus on the fact that she is used to healing and feeling people's death. People who are used to death on daily basis had a certain unique view on life and death. And that affects how we act upon facing them too. While this is evident throughout Remake, I'm gonna focus on the plate drop event to be more concise. I will also use Tifa as a comparison to make it easier to see the difference between the reaction of the two. Let’s start!

1) Aerith is quick in emergency situations.

When you are used to people dying, you developed a certain immunity and you are able to have a sound mind and composure at the sudden change of event. As healthcare providers, we face stable situations turning into critical real fast. And we have a switch in our minds that turns us from standby mode to rescue mode. This is exactly what happened to Aerith when Don Corneo revealed Shinra's plan to blow up Sector 7's support pillar. Tifa is part of Sector 7. It is her home. Which is why her reaction showed how she was super devastated, she slowly stood up and muttered "They wouldn't..." because she couldn't believe it. Aerith? She had that switch in her mind, and she immediately turned and say "Come on, guys! We gotta go!". She switched into that critical mode in a second. It helps that she's also not personally connected to Sector 7, and thus her judgment was not as impaired. Of course, they both switched into the critical mode in the sewer, but it was at the moment of revelation that made it different. Just like how healthcare providers switched at the moment of revelation that their patients are at the brink of death—you immediately jumped into rescue mode.

2) She plans for the worst.

Remember after they defeated Abzu and Tifa started to question Corneo's information? She didn't want to believe it, because it didn't make sense to destroy your years of efforts building the plate just to get back to a small group like AVALANCHE. Think about the money they put in to build it, they're gonna have to put them all again. In fact, along their way out of the sewer, Tifa voiced out multiple times how this had been bothering her. But I'm intrigued with Aerith's reply "If he's telling the truth, then we should go. And if it turns out he was lying, then so what?". This here is exactly what doctors do. We plan and prepare for the worst. And if the worst didn't happen, then so what? If you ever had life-saving surgery, your doctors would tell you "You need this surgery coz you might die. But if you do the surgery, there's a high chance you'll survive, but there's a small chance you'll die too". And we prepare for that small chance that our patients die. No, we don't let our preparations lacking because we hope they'll survive. We prepare for the worst outcome possible and get all the equipment ready in case they'll die. If they didn't, then so what? It doesn't mean our preparations were futile efforts. It only means we were prepared. And that line of Aerith seriously hits home to me.

3) She hopes for the best.

Before they crossed the water sewer, Tifa once again voiced out how she couldn't stop thinking about what Corneo said, and she was still hoping that he was lying. And then Aerith said, "The future isn't set in stone". (Again, I'm gonna ignore the meta part of Aerith) And then she proceeded to set up that small date with Tifa. Believe it or not, this is actually what we do during bad calls. We'd talk about what we would do after all this ends; we'd go out dining, or playing games/darts, or go drinking, or whatever it is that makes us happy. Just to keep our minds calm and to allow us to hope for the future, even if it's just a few hours away. It gives us hope and courage to go on. We plan for the worst, but we hope for the best. The more critical the situation is, the more you need to be level-headed. And needless to say, after this point onwards, Tifa is much more calmed down from her struggle to keep herself focus.

4) She follows orders.

This might sound weird to some, but the ability to cast away your worry and focus on what you can do, instead of what you should do, is important in emergency situations. You need to know what you don't know. You don't get in the way of your comrades. If you're not good at intubating, you don't insist to intubate in emergency situations just because you wanna help. Seriously, you'll just make things worse. When Cloud, Tifa, and Aerith were attacked before climbing up and out of the sewer, Cloud asked both Tifa and Aerith to keep going. Aerith immediately answers "Okay" and left—without a single but. This is significant because it shows that Aerith knew she'd be better off leaving. She doesn't need to offer help, coz her help was not needed. This is not the place where she could help. The ability to recognize this is very important for healthcare professionals. Tifa was a bit more reluctant to leave, but that's probably because she is a martial artist in-game. Also, the fact that Aerith could still joke "We're not delicious" is just so real lol! Yup, we joke sometimes when we're facing deaths—doesn't mean we lose focus in saving the dying person in front of us, don't worry. And then it happens again when they reached Sector 7 when Cloud asked them to stay with Wedge as he goes up, Aerith immediately answered "sure"—because she can "patch" Wedge up, it's where her abilities lie. This is even more accentuated when an injured Wedge argued that he can still fight when he clearly can't—making this point even more obvious. Aerith is someone with a healthcare mind, Wedge was not.

5) She supports her comrades emotionally even when she’s worried too.

When they reached the surface, they spotted a Shinra helicopter. Cloud assured them they're only on patrol. Aerith turned to Tifa and said, "Don't worry, we'll make it in time". This moment is also very iconic to me. As I mentioned, I'm an anaesthesiologist. We are the support doctors to surgeons and physicians. Those moments when we're operating on AAA surgeries and the patient is losing liters of blood and literally dying, we're pumping bloods in with our hands and get those Level 1 machines operating, and the surgeons would be panicking because it keeps bleeding? Yep, I did say it before. "We'll make it. Just concentrate on the surgery and don't worry about the bleeding", even though I'm sweating and dying here trying to keep the patient alive. But I pretended to be calm in front of my team and cheered them on. Because the whole team needs to keep calm. If one of the team loses hope, then bid your chance farewell. As an anaesthesiologist, we're almost like the anchor in the room. People look at us to know if everything's alright. I need to tell them it's alright, so they need not worry. Aerith knew Tifa is worried. And she tried to keep Tifa calm with reassurance. Even if she probably freaked out herself.

6) She doesn’t discriminate.

After they defeated the ghost at the haunted maintenance facility, Cloud tried to kill it, and Aerith didn't let him. When Cloud said that thing was dangerous, Aerith said she knows and added "but even so..." she didn't feel right about killing it. (Let's ignore the fact that the Ghoul was a lonely creature for now) It then goes to drop the train wreck which almost killed them had it not been for Cloud. Now this would have been avoided had Aerith let Cloud killed it—maybe. But here's the thing. When you're hyper-aware that people are dying left and right, you value life more. No one deserves to die, even the worst criminal in the world. You're a law-abiding citizen? You're a criminal? It doesn't make a difference to us. I know this is something super hard to comprehend. But technically only when the law subjects the criminal to the death sentence that a person should be left to die. I've been a doctor for eleven years, I was a prison doctor for two. I had the first-hand experience of dealing with criminals. It's not my job to determine whether they deserve to die or not. It's not my call whether they will turn a new leaf had they lived. I know this is something others find difficult to relate to and agree with—happens to my non-medical family and friends. The verdict to us is simple. It's a life. It's worth saving. Period. (Technically the ghosts are dead though but my point still stands)

7) She tries to her best abilities and lets go of what is out of her control.

Tifa's emotions are tampered with again when they confirmed Shinra was going to drop the plate when they overheard the Turks conversation. Her voice shook, we can literally hear it. Aerith's response was "all we can do now is keep moving". And she's right. When they reached Sector 7 and the Whispers were preventing them, she said "we have to get past whatever it takes". And later on, Tifa left to help Cloud and Barret, and Aerith agreed to get to Seventh Heaven to ensure Marlene's safety. Wedge had a short mental breakdown when he realized he was no good to anyone up or down the crime scene. And Aerith told him "We can still save a lot of lives", "That's no excuse to give up", "I need to know I did everything I could". Her encouragement helped Wedge save more people. Some argued, did she not care about the lives that already died? Now here's my point; no, we don't. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but really. What can we do for people who are already dead? Nothing. What can we do for people who are still alive? Everything. And this is the core of being a healthcare provider—we prioritize. Yes, we're also humans. We can get emotional when our own friends and relatives die. (Aerith might not be as calm had it happened at Sector 5) But when we put the healthcare provider cap on, we mean business. That is why when disasters happened, and we triage people with a black tag? That's when we know we couldn't do anything for them. We don't mourn at the black tags. We move on to the other tags instead. So that we know we already did everything in our power to help. And yes, it doesn't matter even if we lost more lives than we saved. It's worth it, even if we only saved one person out of thousands of deaths. Just like how Aerith saved Betty in Sector 7. That one life is worth it.

[alpacaparkaseok]

As Fate Would Have It

[1 / 5] 

Ghost

The last time I saw him was July 16, 1392. It was also the day I died. 

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➣ pairing/genre: idol!KTH x reader, past life au // feat. OT7 BTS

➣ word count: 1.3k (jus a lil bitty beginning)

➣ warnings/tags: this is gonna talk about death, but not in a super gruesome/direct way. we keep things pretty SFW over here

a/n: here we goooo! thank you guys for sticking around for this new series, I hope you enjoy it! as always, your comments, reblogs, and asks mean so much to me and really help more than you know to keep going. So please let me know how you feel about this new series! Enjoy! 💕 p.s. if you didn’t read the prologue I would recommend you do! 

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series masterlist || join the taglist

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“This is a major downgrade,” you sulk while shivering beside a crowded bus stop.

           “Yeah, well,” Noa, your roommate gripes from your right, “at least you got to be royalty once. Quit complaining.”

           “I heard that Kate Middleton is on her third life, and she’s been royalty all three times!” Daeun chimes in from your left. She’s also shivering, clinging to a flimsy umbrella that’s doing a poor job of keeping the three of you safe from the rain.

           “Like what, born into royalty? Or did she manage to marry into it like this lifetime?”

           Daeun and Noa continue chattering away, throwing off multiple theories and speculating about Kate Middleton’s past lives. Of course it’s all guesswork; the details of previous lives are usually meant to be kept secret. However it provides a temporary distraction from the bad weather, which is all you can really ask for right now. Hopefully it will prove enough of a distraction to sway you from your rampant thoughts of last night’s dream.

           “Being born royal isn’t all that fun,” an elderly woman calls out as she ambles up from her seat to catch the approaching bus. It’s not the one you’re taking, that won’t be here for another couple of minutes. “My mistress saw a lot of sorrow in her day, and few remember her now. She deserved to be remembered, in my opinion. I owe her my first life.”

           You tilt your head, squinting a little as the woman gives a wistful sigh. A memory nudges you from the catacombs of your mind.

           “Who was your mistress?” The question falls from your lips before you can catch it.

           The woman blinks, smiling softly. It’s almost as though the mere thought of her past mistress brings her peace. “Iseul, the final daughter of the Goryeo dynasty.”

           The name carries a weight that comes crashing into you, both liberating and binding you to your memories. You’ve heard that name before, albeit centuries ago. And this woman…

           “Ja-young.”

           Two syllables, enormous power. The instant you utter them, the elderly woman gasps and drops her cane in shock. You rush forward, picking it up and placing it gently in her hands with a warm smile. There are tears in Ja-young’s eyes as you look at her, her old face creased with wrinkles and countless stories.

           “My…my lady…” Ja-young attempts to bow, drawing the attention of several onlookers. You grasp her shoulders, stopping her.

           “There’s no need to bow,” you reassure. “I’m just a girl now. I hold no power.”

           Ja-young shakes her head. “No, my lady. I- I owe you my first life! What you did for me-”

           “You would have done the same for me.”

           “Oh, my Lady…” Ja-young’s bottom lip quivers as she clutches your forearm with surprising strength. “My wish has been granted. For so long I’ve been waiting to meet you again. You look just as you did, all those years ago…how did I not see it sooner? So vibrant – you haven’t changed at all.”

           Noa and Daeun remain silent behind you, having experienced this before. It’s not your fault that nearly all your court from your first lifetime as the emperor’s daughter in the Goryeo dynasty have just so happened to be born within the same lifetime. Although, it does become a little odd when you cross paths with a gossipy maid or flirtatious errand boy in the produce aisle of your local grocery store.

           Life is funny that way. You’re on top of the world one moment, and living off of a diet of Mac n Cheese the next.

           “I’m happy to see you like this,” you smile. “You’ve lived a full life, it appears.”

           Ja-young inclines her head. “As I did in my first lifetime, so long ago. My Lady-”

           “I’m afraid that I’m just Hana now,” you gently correct. Despite the fact that you’re living in the 21st century, you still aren’t the most keen on the general public discovering your identity. Not when there’s potential danger still lurking out there.

           “Oh, if that’s the case then I’m Ma-ri now,” Ja-young – now Ma-ri says. “Hana, I’ve been praying for the opportunity to see you again. I’m running out of time now.”

           Time. It once seemed so infinite. And now it’s slipping through your fingertips faster than you can keep up.

           “You’ve made it to your fourth…?”

           Ma-ri nods solemnly. “And final lifetime. But I wanted to tell you, my Lady, that I kept my promise to you. I visited your grave often, I told my children stories of you. However, I wasn’t the only one who frequented the site.”

           You jump as the bus driver lets out a shrill honk, clearly impatient. Ma-ri turns around, waving him on. With a shrug and an eye-roll, the bus driver closes the doors and continues on his way. Now the bus stop is empty save for your party of four.

           “Who else visited me?” You ask, curious now at the gleam in Ma-ri’s eye. She had always been a feisty one, if you remember correctly.

           An invisible shudder runs through Ma-ri’s body as she finally delivers the message she’s waited three lifetimes to deliver. Indeed, she can pass on to the unknown now that she’s finally laid eyes on her mistress once more.

           “Sungho.”

--

           “Kim Taehyung is not a murderer!” Noa defends, crossing her arms protectively as you clench your jaw.

           “No, but Sungho was. And they’re one and the same, aren’t they?” You mirror her, also crossing your arms. “Aren’tthey?”

           Your eyes flicker across the street, toward a billboard that lauds a BTS sponsorship for all to see. However, all you see is Sungho, smiling down at you with those same dark eyes from centuries ago.

           Ma-ri left just a few minutes ago, catching a bus and leaving you with a scribbled address to visit anytime you wanted. You tucked it away safely into the pocket of your jeans before losing your mind.

           “Hana, I don’t think you should be directing your anger at Taehyung,” Daeun quietly interjects, standing just off to the side. “He’s done a lot of good in this life-”

           “You’ll understand when you’re older!” You grind out. Noa winces, but begrudgingly agrees.

           “Yeah…sorry Daeun, but you’re a first-lifer. You’ll understand the next time around. It’s hard to separate people from what they were before.”

           Daeun doesn’t argue, knowing it’s pointless. Living with seasoned lifers, as people who have lived multiple lives have been so lovingly dubbed, doesn’t allow much room for argument. Noa sports two past lives, enjoying her third. And you…

           “Is this really how you wanna live this life?” Noa says, arching a brow. “Angry at some idol philanthropist just because of what happened in your first life? C’mon, Hana. That was three lifetimes ago.”

           “You’re not suggesting that I get over it, are you?”

           “Well…”

           “Nuh-uh,” you take a step back, offended. “No way. Goryeo fell, I died, and he was there to watch everything burn to the ground. And I’m just supposed to let it go all because he’s some adored global icon?”

           “YES!” Both Noa and Daeun shout, sending a few birds flying from a nearby bush.

           You pause to think, staring daggers up at the billboard and Taehyung’s flawless features. Perhaps you would find him beautiful if it weren’t for the past marring your current viewpoint. You stare and stare, mind whirring with the possibilities of all that you could do instead of forgiving.

           “It’s no use sitting here and sulking about the past, not when I can’t do anything about it…” you start, ignoring the relieved expressions on your roommates’ faces.

           “Good, that’s good.”

           “But…”

           “No, back up. You were doing so well!”

           The corners of your lips turn up into an evil grin. “…I have an idea.”

           Daeun groans. “What’s the stupid idea now?”

           You shake your head, stepping forward as the bus rounds the corner. “I’m not telling you.”

           “Why not?”

           “Because you’ll try to stop me.”

           Noa elbows you lightly. “At least tell us what your end goal is here.”

           The bus pulls up, doors opening and a flurry of people pouring out onto the street. In the din and chaos of it all, you turn to your friends.

           “If you can’t beat them…” again, your eyes fall on the billboard, quickly finding Taehyung’s eyes among the rest. “Join ‘em.”

--

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[darklingichor]

Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir **MAJOR SPOILERS**

So, this is a first, I've never written a revisit this fast.

I do often read or listen to an especially good book, again, right after I finish it. Usually because I can't get into another book until I do.

I did it with Lamb, and I did it with the Martian.

This one is going to be chock full of spoilers, I really want to analyze the main characters in this book, and I can't do that without going into details. This is why I marked the hell out of this.

Project Hail Mary is even better the second time around. This is often the case. Books are like soup. The leftovers from the fridge are often even better than when you had it the first time.

*SPOILERS* *SERIOUSLY SPOILERS TURN BACK NOW IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS BOOK* *SPOILERS* *THE REST OF THIS RAMBLE WILL RUIN THE BOOK* *SPOILERS*

Okay, so run down.

The book opens with our main character waking up to an annoying computer asking him basic math questions. This is detecting cognitive function, that's my guess anyway.

Our character quickly discovers a few things. First, he's in a room with robot arms tending to him, including unhooking him from various life support systems as it figures out that he is awake and functioning. He's not alone in the room, there are two others, but they are long dead. And he has no idea, who he is, where he is, or why he's there.

What follows for a little while is what I would call a psychological screwball comedy. It takes him several days to work out that his name is Ryland Grace and he is a microbiologist PhD who had a falling out with the academic community and found his calling as a Jr. High science teacher. Though exploration, experiments, and memory flashes, he works out that he is on a spaceship, the corpses were his crewmates, and he is on a mission to Tau Ceti to save earth from an alien algae like creature, called Astropgage, that is dimming the sun and setting earth on the course to an ice age that will begin to wipe out humanity in 30 years. Tau Ceti, which is 12 light years away from earth, is resistant to this energy sucking algae.

We get all the backstory of how he became a crew member aboard the ship Hail Mary, in flashbacks as his memories return. A big memory that returns? Project Hail Mary is a suicide mission, he will not be going home.

In the meantime, he is slowly trying to figure out how to save earth, while he does this, he sees a very weird spaceship and meets an intelligent alien being. This being (Grace calls him Rocky) comes from a world (Earid) that is in the same situation as Earth. Together, Grace and Rocky have to work out how to save both of their home worlds.

Ryland Grace is a complex character, he’s very very different from Mark Watney (I haven't read Artimis so I can't make comparisons to those characters).

The Martian points out that Astronauts are inherently noble, willing to risk their lives for science and a good cause.

Grace is not an astronaut. That's not to say that he isn't a good person, just that he is an average person. He can be all at once self-sacrificing and selfish.

Early on he is drafted into the research team on what would be called Astropgage as a science expert by Eva Strat, a woman in charge of figuring out what is going on and how to stop it.

Once he was released from his part in this research, he goes back to teaching, only to be struck by the fact that his students would be in their early forties when all hell breaks loose, and that they might die. He then goes back to Strat and demands to be part of the research again.

This back and forth happens a few times in the story. In fact, it becomes a big part of it. See, the crew of the Hail Mary were put into comas to ensure that they would not go nuts and kill each other on the 12 light-year (four years from their perspective) journey, a medical company discovered that 1 in 7000 people have the genes to survive long comas and still function when they wake up. Grace is one of those people, but he is not volunteering for this mission. It's not that he doesn't care, or even that he doesn't want to help, it's that he's scared. And who wouldn't be? But honestly? I think Grace has imposture syndrome and is generally very sensitive. He realized that his kids would suffer, after starting to teach a class, that speed him to become a part of Strat's team again. Events happen that lead him to being the only logical candidate for the science expert aboard the Hail Mary. He refused, Strat basically kidnaps him, sets the computer induce amnesia in only Grace and plunks him on board.

Before she does this, she harshly calls Grace out.

“Do you think I don’t know you, Dr. Grace?!” she yelled. “You’re a coward and you always have been. You abandoned a promising scientific career because people didn’t like a paper you wrote. You retreated to the safety of children who worship you for being the cool teacher. You don’t have a romantic partner in your life because that would mean you might suffer heartbreak. You avoid risk like the plague.” (pg. 392 Kindle Edition)

This all seems to be true, but we don't know Grace's full story. Other than a mention of one girlfriend in college, and brief mentions of friends, There is nothing in the book about his life before he started teaching. This could be because the amnesia has left those things fuzzy, but in my head, it's because he doesn't want to think about it. Maybe he had a bad family life, maybe he had *no* family life, maybe he had an early tragedy. Maybe he realized his short comings and that, no matter his talent, he just didn't have the temperament for acidemia.

He does like being the cool teacher, he does say he likes being looked up to, but this isn't necessarily a bad thing. He's a *good* teacher.

I had cool teachers before I switched to home school. They weren't all good. I had one that would literally just let us mess around during class because they didn't want to actually grade papers. Cool to a kid? Absolutely! Good for education? Not on your life.

Grace isn't like that, he loves science, he loves teaching, and the kids are learning.

He doesn't like animal testing, he's emotional at the fragility of humanity. In short, in his quiet way he loves life.

He leaves his comfort zone to be a part of Strat's team because he knows he's good at what he does and he couldn't look at his students and knowing they could die when he could help prevent it. That doesn't mean he thinks he will be Earth's savior, just that he can help.

He's unwilling to die.

Usually in books and movies, this translates to coward, but really? It's not. Most people wouldn't volunteer for a suicide mission, especially one this pressure filled. "So, we need you to go into a coma, go to a different solar system, save your whole species, and then kill yourselves so you won't starve to death. We good? Cool."

You can't fault a living being for wanting to live. Plus, the other crew members had time to think it through, really decide, make peace with the decision and *then* carry through with the training. Grace? He was given the training, but Strat always said it was for the science of the mission. She was a little like Dumbledore, in that she was training him in case he had to go, but never told him it was a possibility. When it became clear that he was the choice for the vacant spot, he was given less than five hours to decide, and then was told he had no choice.

He makes noble choices throughout the book, but that one choice was not his own, because Strat was given absolute power and used it absolutely.

I can't say that Strat is a villain, either. She was elected to save earth and given the power to cut through any red tape. Handed all this authority, she doesn't become corrupt, she uses this power ruthlessly, but always with the only goal being Save Earth, full stop, that's it. And even as Grace, understandably terrified, yells at her she tells him that she likes him, that she knows that he is a good man, that he will give this  his all. She doesn't *want* to send this unwilling and scared man on a suicide mission. She *has* to. Strat is also complex, she is not nonsense and is committed to her role in saving humanity. I like the reason she gives as to why, toward the end of the book. She got her undergrad degree in history. She takes to heart the old saying that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

The climate scientists and their models assumed survival based on the idea that all countries will work together for the common goal. However, Strat points out that history shows that that ideal scenario, is not likely to work. She says that most wars, up until very recently, were fought over food, and resulting in famine.  As the sun loses energy and crops fail, there will be wars, and they will be over food. And that is what she is desperately trying to avoid – the horror of history brought to the modern day.

I started as a history major, and history is interwoven into anthropology – I understand this perspective.

I am not going to get into politics, but I’ve experienced the agonizing frustration of watching history repeat itself, more than once in the last couple of years. Guessing at how something will probably go due to how something lines up with a similar event in the past and knowing that if someone in power would just listen it might turn out different, or that the eventual problems could at least be prepared for, and watch it happen anyway and everyone act surprised. It’s enough to make you pull your hair out.

Strat has the knowledge and the authority to act on it, I can’t say, that in her position I wouldn’t act the same way.

That is the major difference between Grace and Strat: viewpoint. By necessity of her position and by virtue of her education, she sees the big picture clearly, Grace, however, doesn’t. He’s a microbiologist, his entire career and education is looking closely at the small things and how they would translate to big things. He studies the universe by studying the smallest things in it. It is no surprise that he would need the smaller things to make the bigger things to snap into focus. When he was forced to start research on astrophage, it wasn’t until he was faced with the small scale (his kids could suffer) to make him see his part in the grand scheme of things. Strat is right, he does avoid risk, because he’s avoiding pain, he doesn’t let things in because he feels too much. Yes, the realization about the kids, puts steel in his spine, but not before he narrowly avoids a break down. For Grace, seeing Strat’s point of view, without being able to work it though to his scale, is like yelling at someone standing too close to a mountain for not being able to see the peak. It just can’t be done from where they are.

It makes me wonder, had Strat been up front with Grace, would he have willingly gone? It takes him a while to come around to the idea of helping the project in the first place. If he were told sooner, given some time, had been able to go home, and think, I feel like he would have gone. Something would have set him on the course. Maybe it would have been one of his former students, telling him about their plans for trying out for high school track, or going to college,  maybe he would have gone to his usual cafe for breakfast and found out that one of the waitresses had just gotten engaged, maybe he would be told these things and see the fear and desperate need to keep life as normal as possible in the person's eyes, and then he would decide, if, on the off chance  no one else could go, he would. Until he remembers his refusal, nearly at the end of the book, he accepts quickly that he volunteered for the mission. Of course, that could have been simply because he couldn't imagine someone forcing someone into something like that, but even as his memories and sense of self come back to him, he doesn't have a sense of terror or blind panic at the fact that he's not going home. I would think that if his unwillingness were something hard wired into his personality, he would know soon after remembering who he is, that he would have never considered being a part of the voyage.

So, I think, had Strat told Grace early on that he had the coma resistant genes and that there was a small possibility that he may have to be the backup for the backup, and then allowed him to come to terms with it, he would have gone without the drama. Don’t get me wrong, there is the possibility that he would have run off and had to have been hunted down, but I think, just like when he went to his class and saw his students, something would have made his conscious kick in, and he would have come back.

That might have been interesting, him running scared for a little while and then coming back? Might have given a little more background into why he is the way he is. But that’s not really what this book is about, I think it’s a forgone about conclusion that Grace would have helped, but what’s really interesting is how Grace and Rocky work together.

Rocky is cool! I love that Weir didn’t go the easy route with the creation of an alien character. Rocky is no Roswell gray with a humanoid form. No no, for our sympathetic alien, we have a spider like creature with liquid mercury for blood who “sees” with echolocation and speaks in musical notes. And it works!!

Rocky is expressive and funny and is great with Grace. It’s hilarious, other than the Russian scientist on Project Hail Mary, he doesn’t get along with anyone as well as he does with Rocky, out of everyone in the book, Grace connects most with a spider shaped rock being, he has to make a computer program to speak with.

Rocky is a tad steadier than Grace, but that makes sense simply because of the two, Rocky knew what he was getting into, and Eridens not only have more time before their star dims to the point of causing a problem, but also, they live a long long time, so, Rocky knows he is going home. But the steadiness is also built into his personality. He and Grace are both analytical problem solvers, but seeing that Rocky is an engineer, his focus is to fix things. A problem arises, and his first reaction is “I will fix that.” He won’t be dissuaded until he has all avenues exhausted.

Grace has a habit, early on, of moping for a little while before rallying and getting to work. His interaction with Rocky brings that pouting time down a bit, and he even pulls Rocky out of a slump a time or two.

The relationship between these two is interesting because Grace says flat out that he is not a social person, he feels awkward in groups with people. But he easily communicates with his students, and he easily communicates with Rocky. Rocky is not childlike, but he does have something in common with the students, Grace, like any teacher, teaches his students, and learns from them. Grace teaches Rocky and learns from him. Grace is comfortable with this sort of interaction; with his students this is where the relationship stops. With Rocky, it doesn’t have that boundary. By virtue of the fact that both are alone in space and crave interaction, they talk a lot. Also, activities that Grace is use to doing alone, Rocky’s culture requires to be done in pairs. The biggest: Sleeping.

Eridens do not sleep without another person watching them. So, he insists that he watch Grace sleep and that Grace watches him. It is not expressly said what other things Eridens don’t do alone, but it is implied (at least to me) that they work better in pairs or in groups. This is true of humans as well, but Grace in particular is a loner, even as he complains that science doesn’t happen with one scientist doing the work (and he’s right) but he does work alone even when the astrophage project opened up to more people, the feeling I get is that he still does most of his work alone unless asked to teach others, or forced to come along by Strat.

Grace quickly becomes acclimated to Rocky’s way of doing things, in an odd way, Grace is more comfortable being Eriden, than he is being human. And I really think that this is the crux of their relationship.

I read somewhere recently that family isn’t necessarily blood, but who you would bleed for.

I feel that Rocky and Grace would sacrifice themselves for their respective home worlds, but they will bleed for each other. Grace must go to a different star system to find family, which is actually really cool to me, because the story manages to have Grace have a story of growth and even a quiet redemption arc all with the background noise of a potential double Armageddon, and we manage not to lose sight of any of these elements. Add to this that the book will make you laugh, cry and think all at once. I love the Martian, but I honestly think this one is better!

[the-matron-of-ravens]

I’ve gotten a few asks about how I’m feeling about the end of campaign 2 and the fight/ pre-finale last night. So I’m going to say 1) MAJOR spoilers incoming and 2) a reminder that critique or concerns are not hate.

I’ll start with the elephant in the room. I’m so so so glad Molly has been resurrected and while I wish we could see more of his journey I’m still so happy he’s back. Unequivocally excited and thrilled and relieved.

This also lives alongside my feelings of Lucien and him being the BBEG and the decisions made there. I know some folks are split on whether or not Molly’s death counted as a Bury Your Gays moment. To be brutally honest, I’m not interested in that conversation. It was that kind of moment for me and it’s okay if it wasn’t a BYG moment for you.

But because it was that kind of moment for me, and I’ve always been upfront about this: I had a lot of feelings around Lucien and him being the BBEG. Specifically the choice to let a main queer character stay dead to the party but then choose to resurrect that character (with another soul/spirit whatever) for the express purpose of making them the BBEG.

Why did I have a problem with this? Couple of reasons.

The queer, flamboyant character secretly being Evil or Bad or Not to Be Trusted is a tired trope seen by every gay alive tbh. And I had no interest in seeing it again.

The true is also the same for the reverse where BBEG characters are queer coded to all hell. Which Lucien also was, as he routinely flirted with Caleb. Again, just falls into homophobic tropes I’m not cool with.

With the decision of Lucien to be the BBEG, it put the party (and the fanbase) in the position to have to see their friend die not just once but twice AND they had to be the ones to kill him the second time. I just wonder if anyone stopped to consider what it’d be like for some fans to have to watch their favorite character be killed (again) by the M9? Especially queer fans who the last things we wanted was to see Molly be killed yet again.

Others have probably phrased that way better than I have, but I just honestly don’t think it was in good taste. And while, of course, not every queer/LGBTQ CR fan feels like I do, I also know I’m not the only one that feels this way.

I honestly just wish there was some or any recognition on the impacts of this decision from the CR cast or Matt specifically. Not to burn them at the stake, but just to know that they hear what we’re saying and understand our viewpoint. But from what I’ve seen this is only being interpreted as “poetic” and “beautiful” and that’s not great tbh.

I’m gonna bookend the concerns with happy thoughts and hopes, because I legitimately love CR and am excited for what’s next.

I really really really hope Shadowghast becomes canon next week. Now THEIR connection is what I call poetic. And from the beginning they’ve felt like planets suddenly locked in each other’s orbits destined to collide and either destroy each other or merge to something bigger and more beautiful than before. I’m hoping for the latter.

I’m so excited for Yasha to be able to stop fighting and rest and just find some peace for the first time in maybe ever. Maybe her and Beau will get to Zuala’s grave finally. Maybe Yasha will play the bone harp for her. I think that would be lovely.

I’m so excited for Cad and Veth to be able to go home and just be with their families for a while.

To be honest, I have NO idea what Jester (and Fjord by proxy) is gonna do. I’m just excited to see. I figure Fjord will follow Jester to the ends of the earth. Rather that’s at the edge of a volcano, the Astral Sea, or going back home to Officially Meet the Parents.

I would really love for some hints about what is going to happen with the Cerberus Assembly. I’ll be honest, am I disappointed that that’s not happening in the main campaign. Yeah, definitely. I feel like the whole campaign that was being built up as an inevitable clash and it not happening feels weird and off. But what would feel worse is if it’s just not addressed at all, so I hope there’s a hint of what’s coming next there.

Last but not least.

I’m so fucking excited for campaign 3. I love the unveiling of new characters, new relationships and dynamics, new setting. We get ASHELY JOHNSON HOME THE ENTIRE TIME. I personally am hoping for Marquet but Issylra would be good too.

[runningdownthatroad]

I just have to get this off my chest after seeing some very disturbing posts about 9/11 floating around on my dash as well as some truly crude commentary. A lot probably won't agree with my sentiments but I feel like this needs to be said.

I've seen a lot of things on Tumblr in the past that maybe I consider to be in poor taste or don't agree with but I usually just scroll past, sometimes block for curating sake, but today is the first time I truly was shell-shocked. To see the memes and blasé jokes people are making about this day are just absolutely horrific and appalling.

I get that a lot of people on this site now may not remember what happened that day and only learned second hand through school or media or other people telling them. I get that a lot occurred after this that wasn't right which we definitely should be learning from. I also get that there is a lot of anti-American and anti-white sentiments going around currently, especially on this site.

But here's the thing:

Not only Americans died that day. Not only white people died that day. That's the thing about terrorists and what these hijackers did: they don't care about your skin color, your culture, your religious preference, your sexual orientation, your gender orientation, your age, your economic status, your personality, whether you support them or not, your political persuasion, your job, or any of it. Everyone is fair game to them. For crying out loud, look at what the Afghani people are currently going through and how the Taliban are treating their own country's people, women especially. If you think this is bad (which it truly is), have you seen how things went under their rule before 9/11 even happened? Do you know their terrifyingly violent and brutal history? Women had acid thrown in their faces if they didn't wear a full hijab. People were mutilated or executed if they didn't fall in line with the law of the Taliban. And this doesn't even begin to go into Al-Qaeda or Isis. But I'm not here to talk about that or delve into that topic too much.

My point in mentioning all of this is that white Americans weren't the only ones that were killed that day. People of all faiths, of all colors, of different countries, died that day, too. And the unity that is consistently discussed every 9/11 anniversary is in regards to us being aware of that fact, us mourning all of their losses together, and the collective desire to come together and help once the planes hit and after the towers collapsed.

So when people say "why am I supposed to cry over white Americans getting killed that day" think about that. Not only white Americans died that day. And regardless of their color, their nationality, their culture, their religion, etc. anyone dying is always sad. Whether it be a jetliner being used as a weapon that crashed into their floor or someone dying of cancer or someone being killed in a mudslide or someone dying in a car accident -- it is always sad. And empathy should always be shown in response, even if it doesn't impact you personally. Let's not forget these people have loved ones that got left behind, that are still here.

So when people say "if something knocks into a cow and knocks it over, I'm not expected to care, but if something knocks into a building and knocks it over, suddenly I'm supposed to care?" think about that. People aren't grieving two large pieces of steel architecture. People aren't saying "always remember those two towers". The WTC Towers were a symbol (yes, for American wealth, I get it) but became so much more of a multi-faceted powerful symbol after 9/11. The towers represent a way of life before 9/11 happened, but more importantly they represent the people lost that day, who were in the towers when they collapsed. For all of the first responders who were stuck on those floors still trying to help evacuate people to safety when the buildings finally gave. The two footprints and two blue lights aren't a symbol of American wealth or a naivete and simpler way of life pre-9/11 - they are a symbol of memorialization for that day. The Freedom Tower was erected to show that despite the loss of that day, we stood united (even if there seems to be more and more division these days). It's a message to the world that yes, destruction and death happened that day in NYC, but so did rebuilding and life carrying on. It's a symbol of strength, resilience, and unity - something that was everywhere you looked days after this event occurred. The two towers (aka NYC) may have gotten knocked down but the city got back up. They weren't kept down - that's the point of the Freedom Tower.

When people say "I don't understand, what is it that I shouldn't be forgetting since I can't remember it anyway" here is what we all should be remembering despite our age or our connection (or lack thereof) with this event:

2,997 innocent civilians died that day. Among them were 343 firefighters, 37 police officers, 23 Port Authority police officers, 8 EMS workers, and 4 other first responders. Also among them were 246 people on the four planes that crashed.

The passengers of United Flight 93 made a choice to fight back against the hijackers and saved lives that day by sacrificing their own.

Many children lost parents. Many parents lost children. Many brothers lost sisters, and many sisters lost brothers. Many spouses lost their significant others. Many lost friends, family, and loved ones.

For those who want a better connection to this day who didn't experience it and/or don't remember it, and for those others who are seriously lacking in empathy: yes, it was a highly publicized event due to the hundreds of cameras (including media outlets) watching that day, but if the horrific images aren't enough to garner some of your empathy, then there are plenty of other resources at your disposal. Documentaries like 9/11 by James Hanlon and the Naudet brothers, 102 Minutes That Changed America (which shows you not only all of the first-hand eyewitness accounts that day but also lets you hear 911 calls, radio transmissions between firefighters, and people's reactions to the event and each other who were there), 9/11 Firefighters (on Discovery Plus) and even more recently, 9/11: The Turning Point (on Netflix) which provides a 360 degree view of the events that led up to 9/11, 9/11 itself, and what came after, displaying all different viewpoints. You can read the 9/11 Commission Report or there are several books and memoirs out there like Wake-Up Call by Kristen Breitweiser, or even historical accounts in books, newspaper articles, and online. But most importantly, listen to people's stories. The ones who were there, the ones who saw it happen, the ones who ran in to help, the ones who lost loved ones. That is the most important part and the most powerful. On Hulu, ABC News ran segments of 9/11 Twenty Years Later, "Women Of Resilience" being especially powerful. It's hard not to feel a human connection to these stories or any kind of empathy.

For those who are making these jokes and memes, if you like shows like 9-1-1 and Chicago Fire, etc, imagine those first responder characters rushing into those buildings to save lives and losing theirs in the process. If you don't remember 9/11 or feel any connection or empathy, imagine hundreds of Bucks or Eddies or Bobbys or Hens or Chimneys dying that day as they worked to save so many. Sorry to be so blunt because I love those characters too, but do you get a little bit of the connection now? Do you feel any empathy? I'm not trying to equate real life heroes and sheroes with fictional characters of course, but if it helps you to understand a little better in some way, well...I'm throwing it out there.

I myself lived in the Tri-State area at the time of the attacks. I remember seeing the second plane seconds before it crashed into the second building. I remember the devastation I felt watching the first tower collapse knowing that a loved one was most likely inside and how hard I cried thinking he was dead. (thankfully, he had been late to work that day and he got out of the area before the towers came down) I remember the relief and gratefulness we all felt hearing from him to assure us that he was alive when he finally was able to get to a phone, stating he was covered in dust and ash from the buildings. I remember the panic and fear we all felt, thinking the world was ending and we were all going to die, that this was it, this was World War III, after it was confirmed that the Pentagon had also been hit and there was also a downed plane in Pennsylvania. I remember the grief another loved one suffered because she lost her entire floor (she had been out sick that day) and every single one of her co-workers. I remember the race to pick up children from school and get them home as soon as possible. I remember the rage that coursed through us seeing the footage of some people in certain countries celebrating the attacks in the streets, enjoying the deaths of so many Americans, a couple of these countries who lost citizens themselves in these attacks. I remember the camping out in front of the televisions night after night for a week straight afterwards, watching the news 24/7, worrying that there might be more attacks. I remember the feeling of sheer terror anytime a plane was heard overhead or seen appearing low enough in the sky that you could practically make out which airline it was for months afterwards. I remember seeing the lights the first time they were lit from our home. I remember feeling pure fear not only for what happened that day but also what came afterwards (not yet understanding that these weren't practitioners of Islam that did this but radical extremists who had literally hijacked the religion). I remember seeing the devastation at Ground Zero through a tear in the fabric over a fence as we walked through the city months afterwards. I remember not wanting to fly for years. I remember the anger I felt that our government had failed us due to political bs between agencies and countless others (which we found out especially when the 9/11 Commission Report came out) and that because of this horrific and absurd failure, thousands of innocent people had died. I remember seeing the crushed ladder truck, and the toy of the little girl who was on one of the planes at the 9/11 Memorial Museum and all of the pictures in that room that just floored me. (I also remember being pissed off that many were treating it as a selfie op where they were allowed to take pictures, completely missing the point of the museum's existence) But most of all, I remember feeling that life would never be the same for any of us ever again, and that the feeling of safety we had naively enjoyed on September 10, 2001 would never return.

But I also remember the compassion and unity we saw rising in the country after those attacks. I remember the gratitude for all of our first responders, those we lost that day and those who were still with us, actively working to recover those lost and to clear Ground Zero. I remember the feeling of collectiveness, that we all shared grief and showed support to one another in those days afterwards. I remember the fallen heroes and sheroes who ran into those buildings, who were off duty but raced from wherever they were that day to come and help. I remember The Man In the Red Bandana aka Welles Crowther (and many like him who worked to save others) who has become another important symbol of that day. I remember hearing all of the stories of people helping one another before and after the towers collapsed. I remember the good that this day represents. That while we may have seen some of the worst of humanity that day in the form of violence, death, weaponized airplanes, and devastation, we also saw the very best of humanity in the form of our first responders and people helping one another.

Look, did Islamophobia happen? Yes. Was it right? No, absolutely not. As I stated above, I myself feared the idea of the religion until I was educated by a friend of mine about the difference between the religion and extremism. This form of hijacking ideology can be seen in examples like the Westboro Baptist Church or even Hitler. Terrorists do not represent the true spirit of Islam no matter what the former tries to force people to believe. Just as the WBC is not the true spirit of Christianity, and so on and so forth. But even during the time I had feared the religion before gaining understanding and clarity, I never confronted or mistreated any practicing Muslim or Arab-American. Ever. I never posted hate or spewed vitriol against them. Just like with the current pandemic, I still cannot believe there are people out there attack Asian-Americans as if this whole thing is their fault. That's still mind boggling to me and it is absolutely 100% WRONG. It should not be happening. Same with Islamophobia. And it breaks my heart to read that many Arab-Americans and practicing Muslims still worry when this anniversary comes around that they may be attacked. It might not mean much, but I just want to say I am truly sorry for that and you have my full support. Always.

Did we go to war and was it just? Yes we did go to war. Was it just? Afghanistan? I need more information in order to have a fully-formed opinion but there are plenty who say yes and plenty who say no. Plenty who say we made things better over there (before we exited and the Taliban advanced) and plenty who say we didn't and only made it worse. I truly cannot say which assertion is correct and I think it would be narrow-minded and completely moronic (and possibly arrogant and presumptuous?) of me to speak on a subject I know so little about, one way or the other. Iraq? No, I don't think it was just and I honestly wish we could go back and do things differently.

But coming back to 9/11 and what this day means for so many, the people who died, the people who rushed headfirst into danger, the people who lost their loved ones. We saw incredible bravery, selflessness, and compassion for your fellow human that day despite what happened. We saw the strength within ourselves despite the fear and anger. We saw resilience. That is what the anniversary is meant to be a reminder of. The sacrifices, the loss, the courage, and the strength. Black, White, Gay, Straight, Christian, Muslim, Man, Woman, Young, Old -- it didn't matter. We all came together.

So regardless of whether it's the cool thing to do right now on this site (or elsewhere) to hate on America or 9/11 or white Americans or the anniversary itself on the very anniversary of these attacks, I ask that you please consider when posting these hurtful (and frankly harmful) words of hatred and vitriol such as referenced above that there are people out there who lost their loved ones on 9/11, that yes some of them may be on this very site and going through the 9/11 tag, and that some of them may have even lost a loved one in either war and are again on this site reading your words. Regardless of what you think or feel, please consider them and tag appropriately if you're going to post. Please consider that some of these people are currently losing their loved ones due to 9/11-related illnesses because of the cleanup at Ground Zero. Please consider that there are children who lost a parent or loved one, or who were orphaned that day (yes, they exist, we had some in our school district) who are also on this site reading your words. Basically, please just consider and be considerate. Please stop spreading hatred on a day that happened due to hatred; please stop perpetuating that cycle.

Like Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."

TLDR: Love and light, my friends. Love and light. ✌️❤️

[bubbly-bungee-may]

ZoNa Valentine’s Week: Day 4 Why I Ship ZoNa: Part 1

So because i’ve never explained why I ship ZoNa, I’ve decided to use this Valentine’s Week as an excuse to make 3 separate posts on why I ship them. 

 They will be long posts because I am relying on the gifs I made of the anime rather than the manga (even though the manga may be more accurate, but I just started reading the manga so give me some time lol)

OKAY LET’S START.....

So just as a preface: First and foremost these two have known each other the longest. I’m not saying that in order to be a couple you need to know someone for a long time, but in ZoNa’s case I feel like it’s an important part of their relationship. 

They started out as friends then shit went down in Arlong Park (namely where Nami plays the villain for a hot second and that shakes Zoro up cause he had trusted her) but then everything was settled and they went back to being friends. 

I feel like that incident was necessary not only for the plot, but for Zoro and Nami’s relationship to develop. After everything, they now have full trust in the other and their relationship was able to evolve. 

This all leads me to my first reason as to why I ship ZoNa:

1. They are friends FIRST

Yes, I ship them as a couple, but I believe that all successful relationships begin as friends (that’s just my own personal belief). A foundation built on friendship and mutual understanding and trust is what I believe allows this ship to sail.

And despite the fact that everyone thinks Nami and Zoro are only capable of fighting and butting heads, they are actually very good friends who are capable of holding normal conversations.

Exhibit A (Ep.54) : Nami took notice of how Zoro was acting strange and commented on it. She’s aware of his presence and isn’t just writing him off. And this also shows that she cares about him.

Exhibit B (Ep. 62) : Zoro wanted Nami’s opinion on what the strange sound he heard was. Also Nami is taking the time to answer him; she could’ve just ignored him completely but she decided to pay him attention. 

Exhibit C (Ep. 154): This is a very brief moment, but Zoro and Nami have a conversation about dropping anchor and the layout of the island. And they are both on the ship alone and idk I like to think that Zoro was waiting for Nami to be done changing so that they could go on the island together.  

Exhibit D (Ep. 161): Nami wanting Zoro’s opinion as to if he saw anything. Just shows that she trusts his judgment and how she can rely on him. 

Exhibit E (Ep. 161): Short conversation, but still important. Zoro is showing concern and care for Nami by telling her to be more careful. And Nami is replying sincerely.

Exhibit F (Ep. 217): Zoro notices Nami is mad without even looking at her. If that doesn’t tell you how well he knows her by now, then idk what does. But it’s also important that Zoro is listening to her concerns and commenting on them.  

So YES, they can hold normal conversations, here is the proof! And having known each other the longest, they also know the other well.

Zoro can spot Nami’s money obsession anytime, anywhere.  (Ep.105)

And Nami knows how much Zoro loves sake, so she went out of her way to get it for him. (look at how happy he is hehe) (Ep. 255)

And this ⤵ gif (Ep. 159) is one of my newfound favorite moments and leads us into the next reason. It’s not in the manga, but maybe the animators are also ZoNa fans....??

2. They are comfortable around eachother.

Okay, but doesn’t it seem like Zoro is teasing Nami?!?! She almost ran into a tree and then Zoro is like “oooo a perfect opportunity to tease her”. Idk I just found this part super cute. Like Zoro isn’t usually one to be playful like this, but he is with Nami and ughhh it’s so cute!  

And then the multiple times that Zoro is seen sitting/sleeping next to/near Nami. It just shows that they don’t mind each other’s company and honestly (intentional or not) I think they gravitate towards each other because of how comfortable they are with each other.

Exhibit A (46): He came to sit next to her during breakfast when he could’ve sat down next to his captain. Like is this his seat? Has he claimed the spot next to Nami as his own? ..... I like to think so.

Exhibit B (48): The start of Zoro’s debt. I just love how Nami leans in and he doesn’t seem to mind it hehe.

Exhibit C (Episode of Alabasta): The circumstance here was a bit different, but I like to think that she just wanted to be close to Zoro. And idc who tf you are, but if you were in Zoro’s position you can’t just not think about or be conscious about the woman on you. Like yeah you can call yourself friends, but you gotta be at least a bit conscious of where you’re touching and what’s touching you.

Exhibit D (Ep.149) : The start of the famed drinking buddies act. Nami moved here after pouring Robin a drink so I like to think that she felt comfortable and decided to settle down next to him. So i’m guessing Zoro’s seat is next to Nami during breakfast, and Nami’s seat is next to Zoro when they’re drinking?!

Exhibit E (Ep. 193): Psssst Zoro, just scoot your hand over a smidgen 

Exhibit F (Ep. 225) : Before one of my favorite parts in the Foxy Arc (that will be shown in another part hehe). 

Exhibit G (Ep 228): The two of them were up here alone before Sanji came. I like to think that Nami was relaxing and then Zoro came up wordlessly and just plopped down and fell asleep (before Sanji interrupted) 

Exhibit H ( Ep 554): Honestly, Zoro is used to it at this point. And this just proves that Nami believes in his strength and believes that he will protect her no matter what.

Exhibit I (569): Ah yes the drinking buddies, an upgrade from Sky Island.

Exhibit J (569): Ah yes the sobering-up buddies. I made another post (here) on this, but I like to think Zoro likes being near her so he can protect her.

Now, I’d also like to make the argument that them butting heads is actually proof of how close they are. 

Nami isn’t afraid of getting close to him and giving him a piece of her mind. Remember in my previous post when Zoro does this with Nami (who is Sanji in Nami’s body). Yeah, they def don’t mind being close to each other even when it comes to arguing.

(Ep 93)

You’d think Zoro would learn that he can rarely win an argument with Nami, but nah, that ain’t Zoro. Personally, I think Zoro low key likes arguing with her. Aside from Nami the only one he really argues with is Sanji (but even then what they argue about is usually something petty).   (Ep 147)

I really like this gif because it shows that Zoro is trying to explain to Nami why they did what they did. She thinks they were “beaten”, but that isn’t necessarily correct, so he was trying to get her to see the real picture.... which she didn’t. lol (Ep 151)

But if there’s one thing I noticed about Zoro and Nami’s relationship when it comes to arguing, it’s that the other party is trying to get the other one to see from their point of view; they don’t argue just to argue.

Putting aside the fact that they were arguing about marriage (although if they ever did get married I’d think Nami would want something extravagant while Zoro would just be like “whatever just wake me up when I have to go in” ah okay my imagination is running wild.. stop stop)

Anyway, this part is important because this time it’s Nami who is trying to get Zoro to see from her point of view. Of course, she can’t do so without yelling and gnashing teeth, but the sentiment is the same-she wants Zoro to understand where she’s coming from. (Ep 764)

I mean look, friends have differing viewpoints and thoughts. Yes, they may disagree, but in the end it doesn’t really matter because people can still think differently but be close.  Ever heard the saying “opposites attract”? yeah, that’s basically ZoNa in a nutshell. They may argue and disagree, but I think that brings them even closer. 

And Zoro is usually referred to as the “calm and cool” guy, but the fact that he easily loses his “cool” over something slight that Nami says, idk I just find that cute that she’s able to get under his skin like that. 

I love the dynamic between the two. They’re opposites who like to fight, but always have each other’s backs and couldn’t stand to see the other hurt.   

[armageddonouttahere]

Consolation

Title: Consolation

Summary: Takes place after “Putting Others First”, in which Roman sinks into his room and doesn’t leave for a while. Logan is the only one not preoccupied enough to come and lure him out, but in this he has to face emotions he’s been putting on the backburner for a long time.

Pairings: Romantic Logince, background platonic Moxiety

Warnings: Crying, self-doubt, insecurity, negative thinking

Rating: General Audiences

Genres: Fluff, Hurt/comfort (with a happy ending)

Word count: 2,500

A/N:  Here we are, at last! I had cranked out the last couple paragraphs of this fic just an hour ago, and I’m very excited. This had gone from a little Logince comfort drabble to a fic of 2,500 words (exactly, though I didn’t do that on purpose). I hope anyone who sees this enjoys it, and everyone who’s been waiting for it likes it even more, after all this suspense. Taglist will be at the end, under the cut.

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Logan was at a loss. The aftermath of Janus’ name reveal left all the sides shaken and fragile. Especially Roman. Logan wanted to help, he wanted to be able to tell Roman with certainty that he will be okay, that everything will be alright. Logan needed to be able to look Roman in the eyes and know that the words that came out of his mouth are truths.

But he can’t. So, Logan focused on the problems he could solve. He endeavoured to keep Thomas in working order, though on the inside he may be struggling. Virgil seemed to have taken a backseat, focused on watching over Patton. The most he’d seen of the anxious side was weekly updates and reports on Patton’s condition, how he was feeling, which Logan appreciated greatly. He needed all the positive data he could get.

As the logical side, Logan was somewhat attuned with the other sides’ reasoning and thought process. He needed this information to be accurate in order to know how Thomas works, how he functions. He knew how the other sides try to solve problems, how they understand things. When something or someone throws a wrench in the system it’s one of the few things that affected Logan physically.

In the aftermath after Roman sank out Logan had migraines for weeks. Roman’s flawed logic- his flawed perception of himself- is the one thing that has caused Logan the most physical pain. Roman’s view of himself shifted so drastically to the negative end that Logan felt… sorry? For him? 

He felt… he- he felt. Roman made him feel. What did he feel, exactly? Empathy? It was true that Roman’s emotional pain gave Logan physical pain, but the shared anguish went further than that. Logan knew what it’s like to feel wrong, to feel unheard. He related to Roman. He knew what he’s going through. 

Their opinions may differ, but Roman still needed consolation. Logan won’t further his belief that Janus is the villain, but Roman doesn’t need a scolding or a lecture, skewed though his viewpoint of Janus may be. He needed someone to listen to him, someone to comfort him.

Logan was aware that he’s no optimal candidate for the matter, not the first choice for consolation (nor the second). He does not possess the endless cuddles and comfort food of Patton, nor does he have the quiet understanding and listening ears of Virgil. His only way of reassuring the prince is through data, probabilities, and chances. Inadequate. Unsatisfactory. Definitely not enough.

Logan made a plan. A plan to make Roman feel better. A plan to get Roman to open his door, something he hadn’t done in two weeks. He gathered things he believed he would need in order to cheer Roman up: the Sherlock screenplay Roman had gifted him at Christmastime, Logan’s book of Shakespeare’s plays (Hamlet being pre-marked with a red sticky-note, in case Roman is feeling increasingly dramatic and macabre), his journal for note-taking, vocab cards, and his laptop- which has a playlist compilation full of ‘cute’ animal videos at the ready. All of this was needed for Logan to get up the courage to knock on Roman’s door. He felt as if he’s putting on an armour of sorts. Preparing himself for battle. 

It’s quite funny- the logical side needs bravery and courage to step outside his area of expertise and comfort the prince of the group.

May 17th, 2020. 1830 hours. Attempt #1: Prologue.

Roman has not left his corner of the mindscape for 16 days, 6 hours, and 28 minutes. Virgil has just given an update on Patton’s condition, which is thus: Patton’s “room” has slightly lessened in its intensity of upsetting emotions. The picture frames’ rate of showing unfavourable memories has decreased. Patton has not cried yet today. The Dark Sides, Remus and Janus, seem to be keeping on the “down-low”. Thomas has not had any intrusive dreams in many days. Virgil has been too preoccupied in keeping tabs on Patton to give him anxiety over much.  Thomas’ motivation has gone down. His restlessness has gone up. Roman’s unconscious contributions to Thomas’ everyday life have gone down significantly. Thomas has stopped daydreaming. He has stopped thinking about the future, what he has to do tomorrow. He is becoming forgetful and apathetic.  As the logical side, there is only so much I can do to keep Thomas in working order without help from the others, that much I can admit. I have put off trying to help Roman in case things only become worse, but the stakes are too high at this point. Action must be taken. I will record the results of this 1st attempt later.

Logan steeled himself, books tucked under his arm. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. 

Around nine at night, he wrote down the results. Roman had been unresponsive to polite requests for entry, knocking, attempts to start a conversation, small-talk, even a referencing desire to build a snowman. He had not responded to propositions of reading from plays or poetry, or any of his favourite literature. In summary, it was almost like speaking to a “brick-wall” (almost, because the door to Roman’s room was made of mahogany).

“Really? Things must be bad,” was Virgil’s response as Logan recounted the events to him later that evening. It was late, almost time for Logan to get some shut-eye after organizing Thomas’ duties for tomorrow. Logan had entered the kitchen hoping that Thomas would get a good night’s sleep so he could have the highest level of productivity the next day, but judging by the Monster Energy drink resting in Virgil’s hands he supposed that was not the case.

“It is certainly concerning. I tried… if not everything, at least a substantial amount of options.”

“Yeah, and if Roman doesn’t answer to a Disney reference… I’m worried about him. Do you want... me to try?” he said, fidgeting. Logan realized he looked uncomfortable with the idea. Virgil must felt a little guilty for not showing up at all during the argument.

“No, I believe that more attempts should be made. To wear him down, in a way. I’m planning to try again tomorrow.”

“Same Bat Time, same Bat Place?”

“An interesting way of putting it, but that’s the idea.” Logan rubbed his eyes and began making a list of all his tasks once he returned to his room.

“Alright. I’m gonna go see Thomas.” Virgil said, getting ready to sink out.

“I assumed you were. And Virgil?”

He popped back up. “Yeah?”

“Please at least try to motivate him a bit, if through fear? I don’t want to deal with a gloomy, unproductive Thomas tomorrow.”

“You got it. I won’t screw him up too much. ‘Night, Lo.”

“Good-night, Virgil.” He was alone.

“Roman?” Logan knocked once more. “Roman, would you be open to company? I wish to speak with you.”

Nothing. He sighed, pushing his journal farther into his pants pocket. He decided to come with substantially less things this time around. To come as he is.

“I’m not entertaining visitors or guests at the present. Please come back another time, thank you,” came a weak and muffled response.

The sound of Roman’s voice gave Logan an ache in his heart which he didn’t want to name. He ignored it, for the moment.

“I just want to speak with you. You’ve been decidedly quiet these past few weeks. Your input, both in-person and in Thomas’ subconscious has dropped a considerable amount. As far as I am aware you have not made your presence known to me or any of the other sides in over two weeks.”

Silence was his response. Facts were getting Logan nowhere. Logan sighed, struggling with himself. Did he tell Roman what he thought in simple terms, what he was trying to say through his data? How could he bare himself to Roman’s listening ears, let himself be known?

“In all honesty, Roman, I’m- I’m…” He took a breath. “I’m worried about you.” He said this in a rush, letting it all out in one breath. Like a Band-aid, as Virgil had stated. The silence that still followed both frightened him and spurred him on.

“Roman, I- I haven’t spoken to you in weeks. I’m afraid of what will happen if you stay isolated for much longer. You’re a necessary part of Thomas’ life, for me to have things to maintain and keep in order. But more than that, more than duties of mine, I mis- I’m… finding your absence upsetting.”

Logan faintly realised his hands had begun to shake, and he clenched them.

“You… mean a lot to m- the Mindscape, to Patton, to Virgil… to everyone. No one means you harm. We need your input on discussions, and revel in your ideas and thoughts. We... miss you.”

Just gotta rip it off.

“I- I miss you, Roman.” Logan shut his eyes, forcing out the idea that he had become emotional enough to begin producing tears. Logic does not cry. “We bicker sometimes and both of us are wrong on occasion, but I would rather have arguments with you than nothing without.”

“Seeing your vibrance and excitement in brainstorming, your happiness in Disney movies and romances, watching your brilliance when creating plays and stories and… being you, I- I find myself… swept up- metaphorically, of course- in every emotion you give off when you’re around me. Seeing you productive and happy gives me more of a reason to work to the best of my ability.”

“It’s… it would be difficult for me to ever say these things in the hearing of the other sides, but… I miss the feelings you bring me when you are around. It is something greater than a job well done, Crofters, or puzzles and murder mysteries being solved.”

“The emotions I feel when you are around are something more than a simple pleasure in watching, in the aesthetical enjoyment of seeing things fall into place. When I’m with you, I feel… spurred into action.”

“Roman, I- I can’t… I can’t bear your absence any longer. I’m worried about you, but more than that, I’m worried that should you keep to yourself, I’ll never… I- I won’t…” Logan swept aside a few tears that had run down his face. His throat ached so much that he feared he wouldn’t be able to get any more words out. The words he spoke next came out in a hoarse whisper.

“Without you I’m afraid I’ll never feel anything again.”

A shuddered gasp tore itself from Logan’s throat as he took his first proper breath in a few minutes. Tears slicked their way down his face freely now. This was, Logan supposed, because such a long drought of emotion had rendered him virtually unable to control any that did overcome him.

“However,” Logan began once more after a few more minutes of silence, his voice quieter now. If anyone else had heard it, they might have said he sounded ashamed. “Should you wish to remain alone for… whatever period of time, I won’t stop you. Asking you to open your door for my sake is extremely selfish of me. I’m… I’m sorry, Roman.”

Logan took one more breath before turning around to leave. He had no idea what the effects of his speech would be, and that scared him. He was in an entirely new territory. This was an unprecedented event, with no similar experiences to compare it to. He had ‘boldly gone where no man had gone before’, so to say.

Logan was so wrapped in his own panic, for that is what it was, he almost missed the imperceptible click of Roman’s door opening as he walked away. Every muscle in Logan’s body tensed, and he prepared for angry words and scathing insults. Logan would face it, however. He turned around, and was met with a sight for some very sore eyes.

Roman held open his door an infinitesimal amount, peering through the crack. Through the small open space Logan could see the prince out of his usual outfit, the beautiful swath of his hair, and one very tearful eye. Logan opened his mouth without knowing what would come out, but the air was knocked out of him.

Roman flung the door open wide and his socked feet ate up the steps between them as he flung his arms around Logan, the force of his embrace almost tipping Logan over. An embarrassing ‘oof’ escaped him at the impact and his hands went up to grip the back of Roman’s jumper after only a second of hesitation.

Logan’s mind filled incredibly fast with all sorts of information: the scent of Roman’s hair, the warmth of his body, how Roman buried his head in Logan’s neck and the slight wetness that came from tears. The way Roman’s nose jutted into his neck, the almost imperceptible touch of Roman’s lips on his shirt collar. Logan’s body betrayed him in an audible catch of his breath as Roman clung to him harder.

“Roman, I-” Logan began in a faint whisper, but Roman only shushed him and tightened his grip, rocking them from side to side ever so slightly.

They stayed like that for Galileo knows how long when the prince peeled himself from Logan. Roman looked upon Logan with eyes so bright from unshed tears Logan would have believed there were stars in them.

“You never said anything. Not a word.”

Their conversation was as hushed as could be, the Mindscape and the world beyond it ceasing to exist and zooming in on the two of them, in this moment.

“I’m not good with words. When it comes to talking about feelings, I mean. You know this.”

“Don’t lie, Specs. That was one of the most eloquent and beautiful things I’ve ever heard.”

Logan scrambled to find a breath within him as Roman smiled up at him. For one of the few times in his life, he found himself with nothing to say.

“It was moving, and heartfelt-” Roman continued, taking Logan’s hand and stepping back, towards his room. He paused in his motions and looked at Logan once more.

“-and it was incredibly romantic.” He said softly.

“I’m- I’m glad.” came Logan’s strangled reply. Roman smiled at him again and led him into his room. There they would sit and talk for hours, and Logan would hold Roman to his chest. They would confess to things bothering them and their hopes, dreams, and fears for the future. It would grow late, and Logan would give in and begin to card his hands through Roman’s hair as the prince drifted off to sleep.

There, in the black-blue of the sky of Roman’s window, scattered with stars and the slanting rays of the moon, Logan would look down upon the prince’s sleeping head and realize, though he had first doubted his abilities, he had been enough. Enough for Roman and for himself. He had been enough.

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Taglist:

@count-woe-laf @psychedelicships

[heckyeahponyscans]

Yeloli Watch Party!

Season 1, Episode 5: Solitary Shelly

English translation

We start with Shelly heading down the alley, following the magic flower petals to the Yeloli Doll Shop.

The end of the alley is incredibly narrow and the shop is in a cul-de-sac. I love this little detail.  A cut off, quiet space in an urban environment--now that is how you set up magic.

Shelly is drawn to the doll shop, which still has Loli in the window, whoops. (Maybe she’s just visiting.) 

Heading into the shop, Shelly meets Evelyn and tells her the dolls are beautiful.

Shelly also talks about how lonely she is;  her studies and extra lessons mean she has no time to make friends and her parents are rarely home.  She has quite a lot of dolls at home, but they aren’t the same as a friend.

Evelyn says these dolls can be a friend.  But a doll and owner much mutually choose each other before leaving the shop.

Then Evelyn uses her magic to open the doll cabinets.  This lady is not circumspect, but I guess she doesn’t have to be.

So when I first saw this scene I thought it was weird how unsettling it was, instead of being a magic moment of awe for Shelly.  Then I translated the subtitles and you won’t believe what happened next (not clickbait).

What you are seeing here is a bunch of dolls rejecting Shelly. 

 “She’s rich, I’ll bet she’s a spoiled girl.” 

“She’s proud and indifferent, not my choice.” 

 “Didn’t she say she had some dolls already? She would ignore me.”  

And Shelly can hear all this, mind you.  Like, wow dolls.  You could just say “no thanks”, you don’t have to roast the poor girl.

So after all that Evelyn says, “I’m sorry, no one chose you.” and Shelly says, “Even dolls don’t want to be my friend. :( “

But then, just as Shelly is resigning herself to a life of loneliness, a mysterious voices says, “I will be your friend!  Only a perfect girl like you is allowed to be my owner.  I will make you happy!”

The voice is coming from a magic peacock feather, which leads Shelly down the hall.  (The animation on the peacock feather is phenomenal.)

Following the feather, Shelly enters a room full of more dolls, including a peacock themed one, who Evelyn introduces as . . . Peacock!

This doll is significant in that it’s the only that really got me interested in Yeloli dolls. What a beautiful design.

Anyway, Shelly and Peacock have a conversation--like, astrally, in a floaty magical liminal space--and Peacock kicks it off by saying, “Hi. I choose you.”  If only Ash had had it this easy with Pikachu.

Evelyn brings Shelly back to reality and tells her, “Peacock is stubborn and arrogant at times. The other dolls think she is proud and indifferent, but actually she is very lonely.”

Of course Shelly immediately identifies with this.

Unlike Mary, Shelly has plenty of money so she asks to buy Peacock.  But Evelyn doesn’t sell dolls.  Evelyn makes magic contracts from magic books.

Books that already have your personal info in them!  (Shelly asks how Evelyn knew her name and Evelyn says, “A doll told me.” Nice.)

I think the Yeloli contract thing is supposed to tie-in to the brochure that comes with the dolls, which has a space for kids to write their names, like the adoption certificate that used to come with Pound Puppies.

Anyway, Shelly agrees to the terms (being sole owner of the doll and never giving it away) and she happily leaves the store with Peacock.

At least she’s happy until she gets back to the car, where the driver frets that she missed her piano lesson.  Give the kid a break, she was getting a magic doll.

Shelly returns home, where she is sad to find she is returning to an empty house . . . again.  Her workaholic parents are never home, and she dreams of returning to the simpler days where they . . . ate whole turkeys together.

It’s especially devastating that they’re missing today . . . on her BIRTHDAY!  Dun dun dun!

So Shelly is crying on her bed, sobbing “I wish my parents would come home”, and oh hey there’s a wish-granting fairy in earshot.

Almost instantly there’s the sound of the front door--it’s Shelly’s Dad!  Followed a minute later by Shelly’s Mom!

A couple things about this scene:  

At first I was nervous that Peacock had magicked up fake replacement parents but no, they’re Shelly’s real mom and dad.

Peacock cancelled Dad’s meeting and Mom’s rehearsal to get them to come home.  Which is, uh, very utilitarian but kind of depressing that the parents weren’t motivated by suddenly remembering their daughter’s birthday or something.

Finally, I’m picking up some tension in the marriage.

Like, when Mom comes through the door this is Shelly’s expression.

And this is dad’s expression.

Then Shelly happily grabs them by the hands, but I can’t help but notice the parents are physically distant from each other and there’s a painting in the background that symbolically makes it look like there’s a big rift between them.

Time will tell if I’m reading too much into this!

For now, they are going to enjoy the cake that Shelly’s mom picked up.  You can tell China has different copyright laws because they sing the entirety of “Happy Birthday” (in Chinese, but same tune).

Shelly’s mom tells her to make a wish, and Shelly does.  For being a rich kid, her wish is quite modest and attainable:  “I would like to make friends at school with my classmates, and also to be able to have ice cream after class.”

Oh wait, it’s not attainable at all because Shelly’s mom is fucking furious.  How DAAAARE Shelly want to socialize and have a life??  Her destiny is to practice the piano at all waking hours so she can become a famous concert pianist like her mother.

Shelly immediately capitulates because she’s clearly used to having her dreams crushed.

Is the dad going to challenge this viewpoint?  No, he also wants Shelly to become a famous concert pianist and he gives her a piano music box for her birthday.  Go to hell, Shelly’s dad.

Shelly at least likes the music box and takes it to her bedroom where she reflects that she’s very happy that her parents came home early.

“But how did they get home so quickly? It's as if a fairy had granted my wish.”

From her box Peacock says, “Yes, it was me”, to which Shelly’s like “HWHAAAT?  I hear a VOICE??”

I really don’t get this; Peacock has talked to Shelly multiple times already.

We finish off with the narrator asking us, the audience, who’s talking to Shelly. We know who’s talking to Shelly, narrator!! Get it together!

[thegeminisage]

you are right to say everything you said about Cullen of DA. I haven't played in a few years but I think Cullen has potential! Very curious abt your Fix Him arc 👀👀👀

anyway, just wanted to express support and agreement beyond a like <3

lol thank you <3 sorry i know this is going to get away from me but basically i would do it like zuko in atla, which is truly the ultimate earned redemption arc 1. the narrative would have to acknowledge the very real harm cullen caused during da2 and it would have to show him experiencing true remorse, which it only kind of did and 2. there would need to be genuine reparations, which there were NONE of 3. his ongoing suspicion of mages, this whole "we cant recruit them and just let them do WHATEVER" business would need to be addressed too at some point.

i think they almost did that by accident - when you're romancing him as a mage (and this is a particularly fraught interaction if you're a circle mage) there's a couple of places where you can basically go "wait but you but you want to be with ME? i thought you'd only ever see me as a mage" or "not afraid of being alone with a mage then?" and cullen is like "have i given you reason to doubt? well fuck me of course i have." it's a nice little moment of self-awareness and i wish he had had more of it and i also wish that it had been tied to his general distrust in your decisions if you chose to recruit/side with the mages earlier on. like yes if you keep being openly suspicious of mages your romantic interest who is also a mage is going to be extremely uncomfortable*! i think any player character who is a mage, especially a circle mage, has good reason to be afraid of any former templar, but most especially of a templar whose hatred of mages was at one point personal...

...which leads me to point 4. post da1, when cullen is kept in captivity and tortured** and watched all his friends die in absolutely horrific ways one a time, it actually is a normal and expected trauma response to hate and fear magic wielders. fenris in da2 says absolutely HORRIBLE things about mages, and in da2 when you talk to cullen fenris generally even agrees with every word out of his mouth - but we tend not to get up in arms about it because mages enslaved him, and his viewpoint is more than understandable. the only real difference is that fenris was never in a position to enforce the systemic discrimination against mages, and cullen was. so while in da2 it's interesting to watch fenris unlearn that trauma response, particularly if he falls in love with a mage, he doesn't necessarily need to redeem himself, which cullen would. because some of what cullen said and did as a response to that trauma was understandable or even acceptable, but much of it was not.

(* he could even have a belated reaction where he realizes his crush in da1 was extremely inappropriate because he was this woman's jailer and potential executioner. it's a deeply fucked up situation because under one hand the fact that he had this crush meant that on some level he failed to dehumanize mages as much as his job required but he WAS dehumanizing them enough that he literally could not understand how horrific their situation was, that mages in the circle were literally incapable of turning down any templar for any reason, and that while they were in that position they could have never had anything remotely resembling a real romance.

** since cullen was not being given lyrium during that time, it's even normal for the withdrawal itself, which can be agonizing to the point of debilitation and even lethal, to be a trigger for his ptsd! like the withdrawal was PART of the torture! which is important when you also bring in the fact that he's in da3 he is willingly suffering through it again in order to break out of that addiction. in a way what he's doing is both noble AND selfish. it also makes him act like more of an asshole because it's triggering that trauma response, which is also at the root of his harmful behavior in da2. it's a fucking mess! he's a mess of a person!)

which is a long way of saying that in da3, i would have liked to see cullen understand that hating mages is a trauma response and not Objective Fact, instead of this "oh maybe i was too extreme...i was right tho" nonsense. no circle mage in the WORLD would touch that, because circle mages WOULD ALSO have a trauma response to templars in general, but again, especially a templar who took it as seriously and as personally as cullen did.

and even though the game only gave us maybe 4 lines of this potential conflict, i think would be very compelling for two people who have very, very good reasons to hate and fear each other to fall in love. this “opposites” thing is a very common romance trope in fantasy - vampire and a slayer, werewolf and a hunter, angel and an atheist, etc. you have a lot of this in da2 with fenris, but it's only fenris that has a reason to hate and fear hawke instead of the other way around being added as well. and it's essential that hawke gains fenris's trust and respect, but hawke also doesn't require a redemption arc.

so like: that sort of tropeset, but also with a redemption arc, which is another good trope if. IF. IF!!! it's done well. when it's not. well. looking at you kylo ren. and anyway that's how i would fix it. BUT there's absolutely no way they'd devote that kind of time and writing to ONE romance out of half a dozen when the game already cut corners because of crunch time. (did you know cullen was originally supposed to be romanceable by ANY race/gender of player character? wild.)

[ridiasfangirlings]

The mikorei version of the lifeline soulmate AU isn't a bit funny? Isn't it a bit how they relationship works already? They fight, they hurt each other, then they heal each other. xD On the relationship side, I think Mikoto wouldn't like to have Munakata as soulmate: not only a stupid rock gave him powers he didn't ask, but now life gives him a "partner" he didn't choose! 1/2

Following up on this AU, the whole Mikorei soulmate idea in this AU intrigues me a lot. I'm sure Munakata would be the first one to notice the bond and he finds it rather interesting, like imagine the two of them meeting like in R:B and as soon as Munakata meets Mikoto he feels this odd little stirring in his soul. At first he theorizes that perhaps this is simply due to the 'bond' – so to speak – that exists between the Red and Blue Kings, how they represent opposing sides and therefore it makes sense that he should feel strong emotions upon meeting him. But then later when they have their fight Munakata starts noticing that all the bruises and scrapes Mikoto leaves on him are healing awfully quickly and he has his doubts that this is a Blue King thing.

Mikoto notices it as well, later on when Kusanagi notes that Mikoto must have held his own pretty well if he doesn't have a single scratch on him. Mikoto just shrugs it off but Munakata's got a theory now so for the next couple fights he like deliberately tries to cut Mikoto or to let himself get injured just to observe how the healing goes. Once he's certain that this is a soulmate bond he finds it a curious thing, like to think that barbarian of all people is my soulmate. I could see Munakata taking this as being part of his duty in some way, like as Blue King he's supposed to keep the Red King in check after all and what better way to do it than by being the one who can heal him and feel him at all times.

Munakata of course can't keep himself from revealing the bond to Mikoto, who I can see just shrugging and lighting a cigarette all 'what a pain.' And I can see as time goes on there being some strain between them because Mikoto's Sword of Damocles is getting in worse and worse shape, slowly crumbling, and Munakata is painfully aware of it-- imagine the soulmate bond between Kings in particular being so strong that they can sense the state of each other's Swords, Munakata doesn't even need to look at Mikoto's Sword or at reports of his Weismann level to know that Mikoto's power is breaking. This leads Munakata to theorize about the possibility that he could heal Mikoto's Sword, since he can heal Mikoto's wounds and perhaps his own stable Sword can like transfer some of its power to Mikoto's to repair it.

I feel like Mikoto wouldn't want to let Munakata even try though, like from Mikoto's viewpoint how is it even any better if his Sword gets fixed, the feelings of being in a cage won't change and that power inside him won't stop threatening to eat him alive. Munakata's stubborn though and doesn't intend to let Mikoto give up so easily, things come to a head when Totsuka's killed and Munakata knows exactly what Mikoto is trying to do and doesn't intend to let him. As I mentioned in the previous ask I wonder if Mikoto would try to avoid Munakata in this scenario and try to find someone else to kill him, knowing that Munakata will refuse to do the deed and will only try to save him instead (and then imagine Munakata catching up anyway and instead of stabbing Mikoto he just calls Mikoto an irritating man and pulls him close, using all his own power to heal Mikoto's Sword and while it stops the Sword from falling now both their Swords are cracked and damaged and Mikoto isn't particularly happy that Munakata's apparently decided to share his fate rather than just letting him die).

[neo-culture-mafia]

고통스러운 기억

previous chapter

나 재민 Na Jaemin

My whistling tones could be heard as I walked down the school's main hallway. I was so close to tracking down Mark and Y/n. I could basically envision them walking right beside me on the way to my smoke break. Yet, smoking was no longer an option. Only these sugar-free cherry lollipops that seemed never-ending.

I had their locations. It was so easy I'm surprised I didn't look there in the first place. They were in our old apartment. I was planning on going up there this weekend when some of the elites were on a mission.

"Jaemin. What are you doing?" Chenle bounced next to me. My lollipop was already out of my mouth when I turned towards him.

"Solving World Hunger." I deadpanned and put the sugar treat back in my mouth. "You have blue hair now. Blueberry Head." My eyebrow raised as my hands slipped into my pockets. "Oh, thats cool by the way. You can buy me lunch anytime you want. Guess what?" I began walking but he decided to follow me and spill all his thoughts he had in that big head of his. We got next to the auditorium on the other side of the building before I stopped him.

"Aren't you supposed to be in class?" I abruptly stopped and he almost ran into me but caught himself quite quickly. "Oh. Yeah. Jeno said that if anyone questioned me to just say I was in his class. That's what he said I could do if I got out of his class and stopped bothering him." I wanted to laugh in the younger boy's face but knew that this opportunity was just too good to pass up.

"Lele. You do realize that I'm a teacher too...right?" I asked and it took a moment. I could see the realization appear on his face.

"Oh yeah. Uh-" Footsteps were heard behind me so I whipped around quickly to see nobody there. "What the hell?" I turned back to see that I was by myself. I was more spooked that he actually pulled that off. That hasn't been achievable since we were kids. Classic escape trick.

"That melon head." I sneered and began walking down the hall towards where I thought I heard the footsteps.

I passed the memorial and saw Hyuck's face. A swell of pride set in my chest as I leaned on the wall next to the glass. "I'm about to do some cool shit that I would've rubbed in your face." I chuckled. My back rested against the wall as I kicked my leg up on the wall. "Don't mean to brag. But I'm about to track down and reunite the whole family." I couldn't control the want and need to pop my color and act like the true badass I was.

I sighed, "I know. No need to thank me. Just doing what I do best-" "I wasn't thanking you though." I jumped to see the King Head himself reappeared with banana milk in hand. I got up ready to slap him when he smiled. "You need to stop sneaking up on people. And- appearing and disappearing whenever you please." I fixed my collar.

"Jae. I was with you all along. I didn't disappear." His thoughts got in my head as he innocently drank his flavored milk. "You looked down and around," Chenle's face got eerily close to mine, "But when you were in doubt-- you didn’t look up." His eyes flickered towards the ceiling as I followed his gaze.

Nothing.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean-" Yet, when I looked back down to eye level, I was alone.

I turned around back towards the case and literally ran into the young Chinese boy. "Stop doing that!" I seethed and but down on my lollipop.

His laughter could be heard as I started storming away down the hall.

"Wait for me!"

~~~~

The apartment never looked so tempting as it did right now, even from the 7-11 parking lot across the street. The aura coming from that nasty apartment building seemed so inviting to just go up and knock. Yet, my ass stayed on my motorcycle.

The coordinates scribbled down on paper lead me right to where home actually laid. "Oh my god, Jae. Don't be such a pussy." I groaned at myself and turned my bike off. I put the key in my pocket and put my kickstand down.

I started walking off the lot and my stomach was dropping into my feet. "Go back. Go back." My feet didn't listen as I approached closer and closer. "Please just go back," I begged my body. My body was ready to see them but I knew my heart wasn't.

I scaled the familiar steps and the next thing I knew, I was standing in front of the old familiar door I had shut only 7 and a half months ago. My hand came up to knock on the door. My body just couldn't come down and make my presence known to them. 

What the hell do I say? 'yeah, you can come back now.' ?? Of course, I couldn't say that.

I turned around and reached for my cherry sucker. There was none left. "Dammit." My hands needed to be doing something. I spotted the 7-11 and knew that I would be only a couple minutes.

I turned towards the door and pointed, "I'll be back. We're not finished here." I was off down the steps and to the 7-11. It still smelled the same raunchy aroma that I still smell sometimes when I'm alone in my bed at 2 am. The stench was so distinct that my nostrils couldn't let go of it.

I went to the candy section and grabbed a big pack of suckers. I went to the front and laid down a $5. I walked out not in the mood for the excess human interaction.

I walked back to my bike and set the larger lollipop bag in my backpack as I shoved a handful into my coat pocket. 

You got this, Jae. Just go up and hug them or tell them that you’re here again. Take them out for dinner or something.

I stood by my bike and was staring at the door that was still visible. I was trying to open it with my mind and have them come to me. I just didn't want to fear the rejection I knew I would face from Mark.

I just want to hug them and know that they're okay.

I want to know that they're not mad at me. That they're proud of me or something.

I nearly fell over when the door actually opened and two people exited. They were both in hoodies and looked sickly pale. They came down the steps and I could see that it was them. They didn't look the happiest but their smiles still shone the brightest.

I realized that they were coming straight towards the 7-11 and got too scared to face them. I turned my back towards them and pretended I needed something out of my bag. I was expecting a hug or something at least. Yet, they walked past me as if I wasn't even there.

I'm not mad. I knew that they weren't supposed to be looking for me or expecting to see me here. I knew that they didn't know I changed my hair from the pale pink to a soft blue. It wasn't their fault.

I watched them through the tinted lens of my glasses as they picked out small items to eat. Nothing sustainable.

They walked out with smiles and a meal that would make me groan out of dissatisfaction. I knew what I could do.

I watched them as they went back to the apartment and shut themselves in like hermits.

I threw my head to the sky and sighed. "Hyuck if this is you doing this, I swear that once I get up there I am going to beat your ass." I took my wallet. "I can't go back to jail, dude. I told you this, already." I whined as I walked back into the convenience store. I searched the aisles and went to the counter once I saw that it was clear.

"Those two people who just walked in," I pointed to where the apartment was as anyone could see it from the front of the store. "How often do they come in here?" I asked and the clerk just looked taken aback. "Every day, why?" I opened my wallet and started rummaging.

"What do they usually get?" My questions went unanswered for a moment longer than I was pleased with. "Usually just a plain kimbap and water to share?" The young boy seemed a little freaked out. "This is what you're going to do for me..." I looked at his name tag. "Jeongin." I looked him in the eyes and brought the wad of cash into our viewpoints.

"This is ₩1,000,000. You will put this on a gift card and the next time they come in they are going to," I took a deep breath, thinking of a word that didn't sound...demeaning. "Win. They are going to 'win' this gift card." I smiled and he was still frozen in his position. "But I'm not authorized to do tha-" "Then authorize yourself...and do it." I pushed the money towards him and he took it hesitantly.

He grabbed a gift card from behind the counter and gave me a piece of paper. "You need to sign this paper in order for me to give this to them when they receive the card." I noticed the boy was scared as his eyes wouldn't meet mine.

"Jeongin." I sighed as a light chuckle escaped my mouth, "Tell me, do you have older or younger siblings?" I asked and he visually gulped. "Well, yes. Yes, I do. Older and younger." He nodded. I smiled and pushed the money forward along with the form. "Well, they are my family. But, they cannot know that I'm doing this for them." I tried to appeal to his emotions but it was blocked.

"But-" "Jeongin you have 1 minute to put the money on the damn card and get this form out of my face before I light this place on fire." The lollipop I had bought from him not even 10 minutes ago hung from my lips.

He scrambled the form into the trash and started putting the money on the card. "Would you like to give a name?" He asked and I only slowly cocked my head to the side. Did he really not listen to what I was saying?

"Oh, yeah." He pressed more buttons and a receipt popped out. "You can call this number and see when and what they spent it on if you need to." He circled a phone number at the bottom of the paper and I smiled. "You caught on so quickly." I laughed and he could only chuckle in fear. My glasses fell to the tip of my nose as I shoved the receipt into my wallet.

"You give this to them and I won't come back. I find out this doesn't go to the boy or girl, I'll know who's skin I'll use as a doormat." I looked into his fox-like eyes and winked. He nodded quickly and put the card into his uniform pocket.

"I was never here," I called as I walked out the door and to my bike.

I wouldn't get to see them today.

You’re not going to intrude on their dinner! That is rude! Plus, you need to go to the tunnel door.

My mental to-do list checked itself off as I started the trek to the tunnels. Where I lost one of the most important people to me. I would go, pay my respects, and go to see the door myself.

The night was beautiful. The sun was golden and I knew that Hyuck was somewhere around here shining down on us all.

~~~~~

By the time I got to the tunnel opening, it was much darker. I propped my bike at the entrance of our tunnel and sat at the opening of the concrete jungle.

I played with some of the rocks nearby as I tried to break down my emotions.

"I'm sorry it ended like this." I spoke into the end. "But, I promise that you don't need to worry. No matter where you are, I am trying my best to get us back to where we were."

I sniffled my tears up and threw my head to the sky. "I love and miss you, dude."

I stood up and brushed all the dust off of my pants. I started to walk into the tunnel towards where our door is. I was looking for anything really. A sign of life or struggle. Just to reaffirm reality. That Hyuck was gone and he wasn't struggling. We all knew he was. There was a hope that I would make it to our door and see Hyuck there: Long hair and beard as he had survived and gone back to a simpler and caveman-like way of life.

Yet, I was met with the cold reality of the fact. No one was at the end of the tunnel. A shoe laid on the ground in the corner next to the door. It wasn't Hyuck's but it was y/n's. I knew she was okay but it still made a cry erupt from my chest.

I sat down on the dusty ground and held the shoe to my body. Nobody was going to touch it but me.

If only you would've gone back and not listened to Mark, Jae. Maybe, Hyuck would still be here and you would've gotten to Busan on time. Maybe, if you would've worked out more you could've carried y/n faster and she would be in the family again. God Jae, you're so stupid.

I held the shoe tighter as my tears fell and my head rested against the cement wall. "I'm so sorry."

"If you were to bring them back alive. Then I suppose they can be sworn in once more." Taeyong was not happy with the situation at all. He fucked it up himself and now it felt like he was paying for it. Jeno's eyes filled with tears quickly as I could only freeze in pure ecstasy. "We won't mess this up." Jeno bowed deeply to Taeyong and so did I. They were going to be coming home.

"Let's go." Jeno ushered me out of the office as he shut the big door behind him. We only stared at each other for a couple of seconds before wrapping each other up in the tightest hug we could manage. "Come on. I already have some ideas of where they could be!" Jeno pulled me down the hall and to the tech room where Renjun and Chenle were currently running Mark's and Y/n's chips through testing. They were still alive but there was no clear signal.

Hours went by and more and more people were losing motivation for the day. After the last person went to bed, I was the last person in the room. They were close. I could feel it. I wasn't going to rest until I knew exactly where, though.

Anger bubbled inside of my chest as I unwillingly screamed and threw the deteriorating shoe at the wall in front of me. My body felt as if it was a soda bottle that was being shaken up. I was about to explode on pure anger alone.

I got up and started punching and kicking the walls. "Why couldn't you just open?!" I screamed as I pulled on the locks and handles of the door as much as I could. "You stupid fucking-" bang bang bang bang

I looked around and grabbed a rusted iron pipe that laid on the floor. I took all my anger out just beating this door. I imagined the door as everything that has wronged me in life. This life wasn't fair but it was okay.

It will all be okay eventually

"No. It won't!" I screamed and something on the door broke. A latch fell inside the door and I threw the rusted pipe down. I pulled on the door as much as I could and it finally gave way and opened.

Our secret bunker was revealed where money coated the walls. "Why couldn't you have broken back then?" I looked to the door and kicked it one last time.

I walked in and was automatically taken back to my childhood. Scary but fun.

I grabbed the doll that rested on the coffee table.

"Give it back you acorn!" I held y/n's doll above her head and ran around the bunker as she chased me. I stopped quickly as she ran into me and we both fell to the ground. "Get off of me! You have cooties!" I yelled and tried pushing her off of me.

"Then give me the doll back!" She yelled but I continued to play 'keep-away'. "No. And don't cry about it." As if I had flipped the switch to the lakes behind her eyes, she started crying. Everyone around the small house tuned into the situation. "Give me the doll back or I'm gonna kiss you and-and you're going to have cooties." she threatened and I thought she would never do it.

"Never." I got up and started running around more. Renjun put his leg out and tripped me so I fell face-first into the carpet. I watched in slow motion as y/n leaned down and laid a sloppy kiss on my cheek. My 10-year-old mind thought I was dying as I released her doll and began to wipe the drool off of me.

"Thank you!" She cheered as she grabbed her doll and sat next to Mark and Jeno.

I groaned as I rolled over and made eye contact with Renjun. "Do that again and-" "and what?" Renjun threatened. He raised a fist and I saw red. I lept off the ground and tackled Renjun to the floor. For being a scrawny kid, he was strong.

We both laid some punches on each other's faces before being pulled apart by the older elites. "Tell me why babysitting kids was a good idea?" Johnny asked Taeyong as Johnny's teenage arms wrapped around my wiggly body.

"They'll grow up to love each other. We just have to stick to it." Taeyong said pushing Renjun over and sitting on him so he couldn't move.

"True. Very true, Taeyong." I chuckled as I set the doll back down and sat on the couch.

"You can't be serious." I laughed as Donghyuck nodded. "It's from America. I found it in Johnny's bedroom. He called it 'gush'?" He held up the small bag more to the light. It was night time and we both snuck out. It was a couple days after my 16th birthday. It was cold that night but the bunker was so warm.

"...Do you eat it?" I asked and he only shrugged. "I heard Jaehyun say, 'smoke'. But, I don't know what to use." He confessed. "I saw the papers he was talking about using. They were like," he thought for a moment and got up, walking to the bookcase on the other side of the room. He immediately grabbed the Bible and opened it to start feeling the paper between his fingers. "Basically the same." I could hear him whisper and before I could ask what he was doing, he ripped a handful of pages out.

He came back over and took the bag and throwing it on the floor. He stepped on it till the little green rocks were broken up. I watched as he skillfully folded the paper and dumped the remnants of the small clear bag onto the thin pages. He rolled it up and grabbed a lighter from the near-by table. He wasted no time in putting the roll to his mouth and lighting one end while he took a deep breath in.

Violent coughing was followed by my uncontrollable laughter. I grabbed it and it automatically felt like a cigarette. I lit the one end and inhaled. It burned different than a cigarette but it felt nice. It automatically lifted a weight off of my head. I sat back and blew rings into the air surrounding us.

We took turns until all that was left was the mouth-piece. I threw it onto the glass coffee table and just leaned back. "Oh, that feels amazing." Hyuck sighed as he curled into a ball in the crevice of the couch. I watched Hyuck as he continued to apologize to the bible and his ancestors for doing drugs.

I spent the next 4 hours high off my ass. It was magical and we were back at the house before breakfast even started.

"You smell like ass." Y/n said as soon as we walked into the house. She was walking down the main marble staircase while most people were in the kitchen or the living room still waking up with cartoons. "Shut the fuck up," I whisper yelled and she was just taken aback. Hyuck went over to put his finger in front of her lips. "Shut it." He said and walked past her and up the stairs.

"I don't care what you did but just go take a shower. It smells like you fucked a skunk." She pushed Hyuck away from her and tried to make a right into the living room but I took her and wrapped her in my arms. "Ew, you smell even worse!" She screeched and I was still buzzed so I thought it was hilarious. Johnny and Jaehyun however, did not find this funny.

She pushed me away and I turned to go up the stairs when I ran into Johnny and Jaehyun...literally. "You're zooted." I heard Johnny sigh and was super confused. "Is breakfast done I'm so hungry." I groaned as I tried to break through the wall of older boys.

"Nope. Go take a cold shower." Jaehyun pointed up the stairs. "Jaemin. Don't tell Johnny I took his gush." Hyuck stood at the top of the stairs, peeking out from behind the corner, his finger over his lips. His voice echoed off the marble walls and stairs.

I held a thumbs up as Johnny's mouth dropped. "You took mine? And it's called kush you dumbass. I'm gonna beat both of your asses once you come down." Johnny grabbed the back of my collar and started to pull me up the stairs. At the top of the stairs, Mark came out of his room.

Fear rushed into my head and all of a sudden, I wasn't drifting to reality, I was falling very hard. "Oh, Mark!" Johnny greeted over-enthusiastically. "I'm so glad you're here!" Jaehyun called from the middle of the stairs. "We found out where these two numb-nuts were." I looked up to Johnny and put a finger to my mouth. "It's a secret. Sssshhh." I said but Johnny wasn't in the mood.

"They were out smoking weed." Mark's eyes widened as walked closer. "Oh, yeah? Where's the other one?" Mark's arms were crossed over his chest. "Ran off to his room." Johnny spilled everything. "Alright, thank you. I'll take care of it." Mark said and Johnny released my collar.

I tried to fake Mark out and run the other way but stumbled on my own two feet.

He gripped the back of my collar and pulled me all the way to Hyuck's room. Hyuck was still trying to take his pants off from the night before. "I'm cHanGInG!" He groaned as he fought with his own legs.

"And you're doing it while high." Mark said and Hyuck almost looked like he was offended. "How dare you accuse me of partaking in such a devious act," Hyuck said trying to stand up but fell over his pant leg. I tried falling to the floor in laughter as Hyuck was already wheezing from the humor. Mark didn't find it funny though.

We were both thrown in a cold shower and forced to drink plain hot coffee. We hit reality very quickly once we got out and were met with our workout clothes. "5Km before breakfast," Mark said and walked out of the bathroom.

We didn't get caught high anymore after that.

I looked at the armory and saw my old gun. The red paint and ropes tied around the butt of the heavy metal. I saw the date written on the slide. 2018.28.09. I could only sigh as my head fell back on the couch.

I was high once again. Life was getting harder and the light was getting dim. I had said my goodbyes and I had given my most prized possessions away. My conscious was clean. I was leaving with no unfinished business.

I sat in my favorite spot in the bunker. Where I sat to get high more than once with Donghyuck. My spot on Family movie night even though I would have to arm wrestle or actually wrestle Renjun or Y/N for it.

I don't think they'd want this spot anymore.

Just me, my alcohol, and my gun. My last pack of cigarettes has dwindled to empty and so has my will to live.

'it was a long time coming and i'm sorry you had to find me like this~' was written on the note that laid next to me. The thick envelope held my goodbye letter to my family, my favorite people.

"Please let it be quick." I talked to anyone that might've been watching over me. I didn't want to suffer for any longer than I needed to.

I started to read my S.O.M. even though I wasn't on a mission. It seemed fitting as I had made living a chore. It really was a mission by this point.

My phone dinged and I could make out the name through the tears,

'Bunny: Let's go. I got you ice cream. It's sitting on the counter waiting for you! peach and strawberry!' A weep crackled through my chest. She was going to have to eat it by herself because I wasn't going to be coming home tonight.

My phone dinged once more, 'Bunny: Your favorite movie just uploaded to Netflix. Wanna watch it? I haven't seen it yet!' The guilt started growing in my chest but I wasn't going to drown in it.

I threw my phone down with a satisfying crack. I grabbed the gun and loaded it as fast as I could. The alcohol spilled and I couldn't get the bullet in the chamber. 'just let me have this one thing' I asked a higher being but nothing would budge. My own heartbeat drowned all other sounds out.

I didn't even hear the door open and Mark ask me if I was okay. I think he pieced what was trying to happen when he saw my tears and struggle. The envelope on the seat next to me confirmed the assumptions. He closed the door and walked over slowly.

He slowly put his hand on my shoulder. "Jae?" His voice was soft. I looked up through my tear-soaked eyelashes and saw his concerned look. I thought he was going to yell at me so I just gave up as the gun and round dropped onto the carpet below.

I covered my face with my hand as he cleared the spot next to me. "Hey, buddy." He rubbed my back. "It's okay." I was waiting for him to blow up. "Just do it already." I snapped and he chuckled, "Do what?" I looked at him once more. "Scream. Yell. Tell me how stupid I am for wanting to die." I sighed. "Why do you think I would yell at you for something like this?" He was so comforting it just made me more scared.

"Because. You-you guys always say that it-t it's not the right way to go. Only cowards do this-is kinda stuff." I mimicked his words and I thought I could hear his heartbreak. "And you're right." I nodded and he only shook his head. "We didn't know you struggling, Jae." His voice hitched at the end.

"It's hurt for so long, man." I chuckled sitting back on the couch.

Mark leaned down and grabbed the singular round and heavy metal weapon.

He put the round in his pocket and walked over to put the gun up on the armory wall. Mark walked back over and stood in front of me. He only raised his arms up. Some tears cut across his cheeks but I could tell he was trying his best to keep it together. I stood up and wrapped my arms around him. His hand came up to pat the back of my head. "I'm so proud of you, Jae." I lost it once more as I felt into a pit of guilt.

"You're so strong and if I would have known you were this hurt then I wouldn't have let you struggle for this long by yourself," Mark confessed, "I promise." My sobs sliced the air in loud yet healing breaths.

"I'm so sorry." I sobbed into my older brother's shoulder. "There is nothing to be sorry about." Mark shushed me. "I'm just glad I followed you when I did." He confessed.

"And I promise that we'll get you help." Mark was so forgiving.

I don't think he knows that I heard him cry himself to sleep that night.

No one else knew. Not even y/n who slowed me down. If it weren't for her-- Mark might've been too late to save me.

I sighed as I stood up and got ready to leave this memory-filled wonder house.

I turned off the lights and tried to close the door as much as I could, hoping no homeless man would try to open it. I walked through the tunnels to my bike that sat unscathed by any passers-by.

I hopped on and looked at the entrance one more time. "I promise."

The ride home was long yet I had just arrived in time for family dinner. I walked in as everyone sat down. "Jaemin! You're back!" Taeyong greeted and I could only smile. "Where were you?" Taeil asked and I had this unreadable grin. "I saw Mark and Y/N." The only one not excited by the news was Taeyong.

"Really? Did you speak to them?" Jisung nearly sprang out of his seat. "Not necessarily, bud." I laughed as I sat down in between Doyoung and Jeno. "They walked right past me though!" I said and Chenle laughed. "Sounds about right!" He hummed.

"Are they okay? Do they look healthy? What were they doing?" Renjun asked as he took a piece of meat into his mouth. I didn't have the heart to break it to them. The whole table was tuned into the news of everybody's no longer missing family members.

"They're...doing alright. They were going to the convenience store to buy some dinner." I nodded as I served myself food. "Are they back at the apartment?" Jeno questioned and I saw a look in Taeyong's eyes that made a shiver run down my spine.

"No. Not at the apartment." I shook my head as I counted the pieces of meat in my bowl. 5 pieces. Perfect.

"Well, we'll all be awaiting their return I suppose." Taeyong took a long sip of his hard liquor. "It's gonna be so nice having them back." Johnny smiled at everyone. "Kun said that the first night that he's coming back to cook. He's going to bring the whole team!" Renjun shared. "Yuta said he'll be flying in too!" Chenle cheered.

I side-eyed Taeyong and for a moment his venomous smile fell for a micro-expression to imprint into my mind. He looked dangerous, hateful, and over-all angry.

I pushed it aside and ate the first bite of food, "Sounds like a plan!"

[the-softest-puffball]

of the naming of planets and the colliding of galaxies

notes: yes this is just an excuse to infodump about space and also make more space metaphors, but i like it so

prompt: Song/Stars

pairings: analogical

warnings: a curse word or two

read on AO3

@analogicalweek

------------

“The constellation Orion contains two of the brightest stars in the observable night sky,” Logan said as he pointed towards the recognizable cluster of stars, “Betelgeuse and Rigel. Betelgeuse is about 300 times the size of the Sun’s diameter. It also is a red supergiant star, which is the largest class of stars. It’s so big, in fact, that when it dies, it will create a giant fireball that will be so bright it will outshine many of the stars around it for a brief moment.”

“Wow,” Virgil muttered from beside him. “That’s really cool.”

“Fascinating, isn’t it?” Logan said, his gaze fixed on the constellation. “Rigel is directly opposite to Betelguese in Orion's chest in the constellation, and it is a blue supergiant, meaning it is still larger than the sun like Betelgeuse. However, it’s surface is thousands of times hotter, making it appear blue.”

“That’s awesome.” Silence filled the air around them after that, both deep in thought. Logan kept watching the constellation, imagining the surface of the stars, imagining seeing them up close with his very own eyes.

As if Virgil could hear his thoughts, he spoke again. “Do you think we could ever visit outer space? Like, I know space travel already exists and stuff, but do you think we could go that far into space to see those stars?”

“Well, it will possibly never happen unless we somehow discover the power of immortality, as it would take us about 8 million years to reach Betelgeuse, at least where it is now.”

“Oh, jeez. Time’s so fucked up.” Virgil laughed to himself, which made Logan smile as butterflies began to awaken in his stomach.

“Yes, time is a very strange construct.”

He looked over to Virgil, who was back to gazing at the sky with complete wonder, his eyes reflecting the stars as if he had captured them from the night. Logan’s breath apparently was also captured by him, and Logan willed himself to calm down.

The cosmos Logan could understand. He could conceptualize the creation of stars, gases coming together under pressure from an intense amount of gravity until it explodes in a sequence of fusion reactions. He could comprehend the constellations in the sky, how ancient people saw shapes in the sky and decided to connect them to their own mythologies and history. However, Virgil and his feelings towards him were an enigma.

Logan didn’t ever mean Virgil being an enigma as a bad thing; he always thought of enigmas as a new thing to learn, a new thing to explore. Virgil was another mystery that he wanted to uncover. Another universe that he wanted to understand, which confused him the most.

Logan had never been so fascinated by another being before. Space had interested him since Thomas was a child, and chemistry had come later, so much so that his infatuation with it spread to Thomas and pushed him towards getting a degree in chemical engineering. It was one of Logan’s proudest achievements, but Virgil made him feel different things than when he was looking through a telescope at the newest star he had learned about or when he was mixing different elements together to see how they reacted to each other. Virgil made him feel like he was solving a puzzle, but a puzzle that gave him figurative butterflies and distracted him from everything that wasn’t related to him.

Logan was so lost in thought that he didn’t notice Virgil had turned back towards him, possibly to ask a question, until he started talking again.

“Hey, you alive there?” He said with a joking smile, Logan quickly blinking for a moment to break the trance he was in.

“Yes, I’m alright. Why would I have died if I had been lost in thought too long?” He replied, catching back up to Virgil’s words.

“It’s an expression, Lo.” Virgil laughed again, the combination of Virgil’s laughter and the nickname he had used making Logan’s heart figuratively skip a beat. “Anyways, I have another question.”

“Of course, what is it?” Logan was glad Virgil seemed excited to learn about space and shared a similar appreciation to it. Answering questions was something that Logan thought was one of his strengths.

“How did all the planets get their names? I know they’re all based on ancient gods and stuff but how did we decide on those names for each planet?”

Logan thought for a second, trying to recall the information as he looked back out to the sky. “The planets in our solar system are named after ancient mythology, specifically Greek and Roman mythology, which you are correct about, but they were named over thousands of years ago. Mercury was named after the god of travel, possibly based on how fast it moves across the sky. Venus is named after the goddess of love and beauty, and only the moon and the sun shine brighter than it, at least from our viewpoint on Earth. Mars was the god of war, therefore the red planet, a color associated with blood and war, was named after it. Jupiter was the ancient Roman’s version of Zeus, and it is the biggest planet in the solar system. Saturn was named after the god of agriculture, though we are not sure why. Those were all of the ones that were observed by ancient astronomers, the outer planets only being discovered more recently, following the naming process of the other planets.”

Logan turned towards Virgil again, who had been watching him explain. “I hope that wasn’t too much information.”

“Nah, that’s really interesting. So the planets besides Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto are all observable from Earth?”

“Yes, you are correct.”

“Wow.” Virgil looked to the stars. “Can we see any right now?”

Logan followed his gaze, scanning the night to see if he recognized any of the planets. Then, he spotted the small red spec of Mars, pointing at it. “There, you can see Mars clearly next to the constellation Taurus.”

Virgil leaned closer to him so he could follow his hand easier, which made Logan fluster slightly. It wasn’t the first time he and Virgil had gotten this close, but something felt different this time.

He looked at Virgil’s face, seeing as he stared with a furrowed brow, concentrating on trying to see it. Logan thought he looked adorable like that, which then made him want to shake his head to get the thoughts out of his mind. It wouldn’t actually work, but it didn’t make the urge to do it any less strong.

However, Virgil’s eyes then lit up as a grin stretched across his face. “I see it!”

Logan quickly looked back at the planet, feeling Virgil move away from him, which made Logan a little more upset than it should have. God, his feelings were so confusing.

“That’s awesome,” Virgil muttered. “That’s really Mars?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Woah.” Virgil paused. “Really puts into perspective the size of the universe, doesn’t it?”

Logan thought about it for a moment. The red spec floating between the billion of stars that looked about exactly the same size was a planet. He had never thought about it that much to realize it fully. “I suppose you’re right." He paused. "Doesn’t it make you feel small, though?”

“No. In fact, it kind of gives me comfort, you know? Like, you were telling me last time, we are all made of the same atoms and elements the stars are made of, so it almost makes me feel at home. We might be only here for a small amount of time but the universe has been here for billions of years, and just, I don’t know, it’s nice to know that we aren’t all alone. Maybe we'll become our own stars when we die.”

Logan looked back towards Virgil, the intense feelings of confusion and butterflies and love rushing back to him. The idea of Virgil finding comfort in the stars in that way made Logan understand the universe in a whole different way. He had always seen the universe more as collection of things to learn, but Virgil offering such a different perspective, connecting what he had learned to an emotion of loneliness and home was something Logan had never been able to do. The thought of Virgil being such a fascinating enigma returned, this time in such a profound and fond way Logan had to at least express his appreciation for such an interesting, figuratively eye-opening idea.

“You are much more astute than people lead on,” he said, hoping that Virgil understood what he meant.

“What? No, it’s nothing,” Virgil replied, glancing over at Logan before looking at the grass they were sitting on, slightly flustered.

“It is not nothing, you offered a fascinating perspective that I have never been able to even connect together myself.”

“Well, thanks.” Virgil sent him a smile, Logan noticing even in the dark the red dusting his cheeks. Logan returned the smile himself, hoping it didn’t look too fond as he didn’t want to let all of his emotions for Virgil figuratively spill all over the floor.

“You are a wonderful listener, Virgil. Thank you for joining me these past couple times.”

“Yeah, it’s no problem. Anytime.” Virgil looked back to the sky, his grin returning as he gazed at Mars.

Logan checked the time with his phone. 1:21 am. They should probably go to sleep soon if they wanted to be able to help Thomas fully tomorrow.

“We should go back, it has gotten quite late,” he said, voicing his earlier thoughts.

“Okay,” Virgil replied, but making no moves to actually get up. Logan slowly stood to his feet, stretching a bit as sitting on the grass for an hour or two was not very beneficial for his body.

He held out a hand for Virgil to grab, pulling him up when he did. Virgil also stretched, Logan turning around so he couldn’t see how flustered he was. His feelings were going to be the death of him if every time Virgil even touches him it sends shockwaves up his spine.

He started making his way to the door of the Imagination, which was just about a 3 minute walk away, but then he heard Virgil behind him speak.

“Hey, uh, actually, I have another question,” he said. Logan stopped, turning back towards him.

“What is it?”

Virgil got closer to him. “Well, you were talking about how the planets are named after ancient gods, and, uh, so Venus is named after the ancient Roman god of love, so, do you think that, uh, affects our lives here?”

“Well, of course, Venus is the name we use for the planet-”

“No, I mean, like…” Virgil paused and took another step closer, which was starting to distract Logan to an unreasonable amount. “Does that planet, and therefore the god it’s associated with, affect our relationships with people and how we feel about them?”

“Oh, you mean like astrology?”

“Yeah, I guess, yeah.”

“Well, there’s no specific scientific evidence supporting it, but perhaps, since many have said the planets’ positions in the universe is quite accurate in figuring out certain personality traits or relationships with others.”

“Oh, well, uh, okay.” Virgil seemed more anxious than usual, and Logan began to worry.

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, it’s just, uh, that was actually just a really shitty segway into the actual question I wanted to ask, which is…” Virgil gulped and took Logan’s hands with his own. Logan instantly flushed deeply once more, and his stomach felt like the figurative butterflies had multiplied. “Since we mentioned a goddess of love, I wanted to ask…”

Logan didn’t dare interrupt. He didn’t know where Virgil was going with this, but he didn’t seem to care when it felt like he could barely get a sentence out anyway.

Finally, Virgil found the courage to say it.

“Can I kiss you?” He looked right into Logan’s eyes as he spoke, and Logan felt as if he was going to fall over if it wasn’t for Virgil’s touch grounding him. “Like, just I already liked you before, but right now I just realized while you were talking that I think I’m in love with you, and it’s cool if you don’t want to or if you don’t like me that way, we could just pretend this never happened, and yeah.”

Logan couldn’t find the words to reply. It was as if Virgil had taken all the words from his mouth by saying four words, four that Logan couldn’t believe he would ever hear. He knew he should respond, but his mouth wasn’t responding to his brain, which he knew was actually unlikely but it felt like it. How Virgil had managed to make him completely speechless was another mystery that Logan was desperate to solve. However, he noticed Virgil still staring at him, probably waiting for him to say something, and Logan sucked in a breath just enough so he could speak.

“Please do,” he said, breathless and a whisper, which he thought was completely pathetic but Virgil must have thought it was the best thing he’s ever heard because he grinned as bright as the sun before pressing their lips together.

It was as if two galaxies collided together; a merging of completely different planets and stars forming into one beautiful spectacle. Logan went to run his hand through Virgil’s hair, tugging slightly and moving his lips against Virgil’s as Virgil’s hands moved to his hips. Logan felt like he was moving through an entirely different universe, but it was one of the most captivating and effervescent universes he had ever seen.

This amount of emotions Logan was experiencing at that very moment threatened to overwhelm him, so he pushed Virgil back a bit to break the kiss.

He took a couple shaky breaths, his eyes still closed. He still had so many questions about Virgil, perhaps even more now, but when he opened his eyes and saw Virgil staring at him like how he stared at the stars he couldn’t seem to mind anymore.

“That was… wonderful,” he said, at a loss for any other words that could describe even the slightest of what he feels. Virgil laughs.

“Nerd. Come on, let’s head back.” Virgil separated a little more, but still grabbed Logan’s hand with his own as they began walking back to the door.

Logan looked back at the sky, stopping Virgil in his tracks as well, and watched as the stars twinkled knowingly from their spots in the night. He gave one last glance at Betelgeuse and Rigel and smiled.

Maybe he understood how to connect emotions to the stars after all.

[caitlinsfandomthoughts]

Watching Star Trek TOS For the First Time! Season 1 Reaction

I’ve been a TNG, DS9 and Voyager fan for maybe 10 years but had never watched TOS until I decided that I would. And then I realised I couldn’t live with the possibility of the internet not being able to know my incoherent rambling reactions if it so desired. Most of these were written the day after I saw them but with the early ones it was later so sorry if I don’t remember your favourite.

Season 1:

The Cage: Be still my beating heart why must number 1 leave the show? Why?! Imagine a world in which Majel Barrett got to continue to be her in the Star Trek universe instead of Lwuxana (sorry I don’t love her) and Nurse Chapel. She’s so beautiful I love her. And she gets to where pants and be the second in command. While the episode for sure has sexist moments it does seem like there was more of an actual effort to present to future as having gender equality. When you compare this to the ultra mini skirted version of the actual show, it does feel like executives went through it to make it more marketable. It’s been noted by others that she is quite similar to what Spock’s character became: the cold, logical one, while Spock smiles in this episode. While I ended up loving Spock I still would’ve loved to see a woman in that kind of role, especially in the 60s. Although I’m not sure she would’ve been treated that well.

So Vina can’t like, get medical treatment from Starfleet doctors who know how to put a human body together? No? We’re just gonna leave her there? She’s too ugly? She’s better off living in a fantasy world where she’s pretty? Ok then…

The Man Trap: I don’t even really remember this one so I’d have to rewatch it.

Charlie X: Charlie sees women and becomes an incel, Kirk has to try and teach him not to be. This is a decent goal that somehow culminates in a space boxing match. Kirk loses his shirt. Sexual tension is presumably resolved. Uhura sings.

Where No Man Has Gone Before: The pants are back. Man becomes some kind of god and Kirk beats him up if I remember correctly.

The Naked Time: This is where The Naked Now comes from. This one was less sexual, which is probably a good thing, and less drunk, which is too bad cause I love drunk Crusher and Picard trying to focus on work while their brains won’t brain. Highly relatable mood. This one is where the immortal line “sorry, neither” comes from, spoken by Uhura in response to Sulu calling her a “fair maiden.” According to the internet that was an ad lib and I so hope that’s true cause it’s amazing. Also according to Spock Sulu is a “swashbuckler at heart” which is cool and all but I wish we got to find that out by him actually being a character that we know the personality of rather than a background diversity guy who gets to say a couple of lines sometimes. Also each to their own but shirtless Sulu is infinitely more attractive than shirtless Kirk.

The Enemy Within: Bad. Women at Warp podcast said it best, it’s bad because they say the evil Kirk is still Kirk and is needed for him to be a good captain/person. This could’ve been ok if he didn’t do something so irredeemable, or they could’ve not had him be defined as a true and necessary part of Kirk, but you can’t have both and sell it as an ok message. Rand not being able to look at ‘good’ Kirk after really makes it feel real, her acting in general makes it feel too real.

Mudd’s Women: Women take beauty pills that make them have makeup on and men find them too ugly to marry without them even though they are still beautiful. Also said women were kinda slaves but don’t worry about it! *hand waves*

What Are Little Girls Made Off: I don’t know what the title has to do with the episode. This is the episode where Nurse Chapel is introduced even though she was in a previous episode. And she’s taken more seriously than I thought she would be. Kirk gets an android version of himself made by a guy who he already doesn’t trust and doesn’t predict that maybe that’s not a good idea. Apparently to make an android all you need to do is put one person and one dummy on a giant plate and spin them around real fast. If only the guy who wanted to take apart Data in Measure of a Man knew.

Miri: Problematic. I think the crush angle could’ve worked if it was one sided, but Kirk played into it and it was creepy, and you know, also manipulative, assuming Kirk doesn’t actually feel the same way and is using it to get her to help them. That’s my more charitable interpretation anyway. Also McCoy doesn’t know how vaccines work. Also this episode doesn’t know what puberty is, or rather when it starts. If the virus is supposed to get to you then, that starts round the preteen age. Miri is older than that even though she’s not an adult.

Dagger of the Mind: This was the first one where I was starting to quite like it and it was feeling a little more like Star Trek to me (I know this is the first Star Trek but there’s a certain way 80s/90s era Star Trek feels to me). I really liked the beginning where it was setting up this whole maybe prisoners become violent because of how the prison treats them thing and that it was challenging the viewpoints of some of the main characters, although McCoy was already team prisons are bad and I love him for that. It then went more into the lobotomising asylum type story which was still ok. The guy turned out to be a doctor rather than a prisoner which I didn’t like cause I wanted the prisoners to be humanised. Although you could’ve done a “see anyone, even ‘innocent’ non criminals can be turned violent with this treatment” but they didn’t really emphasise that.

The Corbomite Maneuver: I don’t remember this. Kirk playing poker with some alien I think. Edit: I’m been informed this is the one where the alien turns out to be a lollypop guild kid lip-syncing to an adult’s voice, which I do remember, and probably thought it was some kind of sleep-deprived fever dream.

The Menagerie Part 1 & 2:  I laughed so much when they wheeled Pike out and I finally got the Futurama reference in Where No Fan Has Gone Before. I mean I obviously knew the whole thing was a Star Trek Reference, but I had never seen that specific imagery before and now the joke makes sense! Also Pike wanting to go back there seems kinda wrong. I mean they say he’s a vegetable mentally I think but he doesn’t seem to be? I can kinda get that he’s got more incentive to be there than Vina who could probably be helped by Federation doctors but also, he hated that place and spent the whole episode trying to get out of it and it doesn’t feel like a fitting ending for him.

The Conscious of the King: And here begins Star Trek’s love affair with Shakespeare. The only thing I have to say really is, if I didn’t mishear something… a father and daughter played Macbeth and Lady Macbeth? A married couple. And no-one thought that was weird? She was the daughter of a dictator though so there was an Ivanka Trump vibe.

Balance of Terror: Romulans. Spock wasn’t sure that they were related to Vulcans till this ep, though he suspected it. How far back did they split for it to be unknown? I like that the Romulans were sympathetic and we had scenes with them just in their ship from their perspective, and they had some conflicting views with each other. And I really like how Spock was suspected as a spy cause racism and of course he wasn’t and saved that guy cause he’s the better person. That said I found this episode pretty boring and I don’t know why. I kinda wish it turned into a witchhunt situation and was more about the racism on the Enterprise, kinda like The Drumhead from TNG.

Shore leave: Wtf was this episode?! And I don’t ask that because the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland showed up, or that it was a random holodeck planet episode, that’s fine. When the White Rabbit appeared I was just like, ok it’s going to be one of those episodes, that’s fine. Holodeck episodes are fun, I don’t even mind a random magic alien or two appearing for no reason to wreak havoc, say by making everyone larp as Robin Hood, that’s all Star Trek, that’s Star Trek doing a Star Trek, what I didn’t like is this episode goes nowhere! McCoy sees the White Rabbit, we’re off to a good start, Sulu “Swashbuckler at Heart” sees an old gun that he geeks out on, cool. Kirk sees some woman of course. Also there’s some guy fending off a tiger. Random female guest star of the week rather than letting Uhura be part of the story gets her uniform torn by some guy. Then she imagines a princess dress and if that were me as soon as I realised I could think things into existence I would just imagine all my dream clothes. Kirk imagines an old student friend who is attempting very hard to be Irish (thank you Colm Meany for saving us from this).

Anyway so the planets a holodeck cool. And I’m like, Spock should beam down, I wanna know what he’ll see, this is where the episode could get interesting. And then it happens, but nothing happens, they don’t even make much of a deal of him not seeing anything. But then I thought what if! What if Spock didn’t beam down and this was another imagination?! What if he was some alien with some ulterior motive OR better than that we get to see Spock as imagined by whoever was thinking of him. You could go down a very fanfic road if it were Kirk’s imagined or desired view of him, or maybe you could show different people’s perceptions and then they still suspect he’s not acting like himself even though it’s how they see him, but its not quite right, cause it’s not actually how he is. Or at least I thought they were going to find out what was going on. But NOPE none of that happens. Instead leprechaun guy shows up again and Kirk just wonders off to fight him for the next fucking millennium! The uniforms they wore at the academy seem like they were made out of better quality material than that of a Starfleet captain’s. Poor Kirk must be having to replicate new uniforms every other day. Then they laugh I think, and sexual tension is presumably resolved. Then the aliens show up and are like yeah this planet is a holodeck we thought you’d like it also McCoy died but he didn’t and I’m like THEY DIDN’T CONSENT TO THIS. But then they decide to party.

It reminded me of a Red Dwarf episode called Better Than Life where they knowingly go into a virtual reality game which is basically the same as this planet. But over time Rimmer keeps sabotaging what he imagines cause he hates himself so much his brain won’t let him have nice things. And it’s still a comedy, but there’s an opportunity for exploring the character’s psyche with this setup that wasn’t done here and that made it boring.

The Galileo Seven: This episode was good!! In contrast to the last one it delivered on promises it made, it had a satisfying ending, it’s probably my favourite so far. The whole time I was like this should be about how Spock can be wrong and logic isn’t everything to be a good commander. But given the quality of the previous episodes wasn’t that great and Spock was always right about everything I didn’t trust them to do that. BUT I WAS WRONG. I thought it would be about how just because you don’t have emotions doesn’t mean you can disregard those of the crew. But instead it was about how he couldn’t predict their enemy wouldn’t act based on emotion rather than logic. And then he admitted he was wrong and helped the guy bury the other guy, and then they were about to die and McCoy was like at least I’ve lived to hear Spock say he fucked up. And then Spock jettisoned the fuel so that it might act like a flare but it gave them less time and I was like no you’ve learned nothing! Don’t just do things that severe without asking your crew. But then after they were saved it was described as an act of desperation rather than anything logical and Kirk was like that’s an emotion isn’t it? You acted on emotion? And Spock was like well yes but I’m not gonna say it like that.

I like that emotion was good actually. I think it’s a fine balance between the message of its ok to be different and using Spock as an analogy for racism, and inadvertently neurodiversity, but also not buying into the idea that emotions = weakness and lack of emotion, or emotional repression = objectivity. Even if you don’t factor emotion into your decisions (which would be impossible unless you don’t experience emotions at all) it doesn’t mean that you don’t have personal biases in your perspective. So I’m glad Spock was wrong for once.

The Squire of Gothos: This is Q this is Proto-Q. He does all the same things that Q does; he shows up in clothes that are way out of date (and he thinks they’re from 900 years ago when they’re clearly early 19th century) and he flirts with the captain. Oh and he has powers, maybe they were computer powers, but not all? And he goes on about humans being brutal, warmongering people but he’s kinda into it. He fights Kirk but there was actual tension so it wasn’t annoying like the one with the Irish guy. And then it turns out he was just a kid exactly like the Futurama episode, except he is a kid not 35. I think him being a kid makes the flirting seem weird though.

Arena: Kirk and the Gorn at Tanagra. Kirk fights a lizard because aliens wanted to encourage them to not fight by telling them to fight. I thought maybe these lizards could be proto Cardassians but then I thought they can’t be they don’t talk, but then he spoke so I thought they could be, but then he was the one who was invaded and was only defending his people so I thought they couldn’t be, unless that was actually just lies and justifications in which case they definitely would be, but then that would undermine the message of the episode so I guess not. I wonder how many leaders have killed each other before these alien’s negotiation tactic actually worked.

Tomorrow is Yesterday: This was fun. There were a lot of twists and turns. I wonder if it was before or after the moonlanding. Every plan just makes it worse and more and more people keep getting exposed to the future. Kirk could’ve easily just closed the door and beamed back at the end but instead opts to punch like six people. (I think this is where “a woman?” “Crewman.” Comes from).

Court Martial: What if Kirk actually did it though? Would that be more interesting? Maybe. At least here he has an age appropriate love interest. She’s prosecuting against him which is surely a conflict of interest. AND she has a uniform with a longer skirt! And it actually looks good, like it looks like an actual dress that she can sit down in and it still looks like a dress and not a crumpled up shirt. It’s elegant but it’s still short. I could see this being an option (for any gender) as a dress uniform but it would still make no sense when they’re serving on a ship.

Return of the Archons: I am LIVING for Spock in a medieval style hood. It’s giving me Peter Cook in a Mother Superior’s wimple in Bedazzled vibe, it’s not quite on that level of beauty, but it’s close. For some reason Sulu returned from the planet in 18th century gear but then everyone else is dressed like it’s the 19th century, with some medieval robes thrown in, and this annoys me more than it should. Maybe it’s because he’s a swashbuckler at heart. Apparently they had a completely peaceful society except for the nightly purge they seemed to have going on that is never mentioned again.

Space Seed: KHHANN! I liked this a lot until the end. I want to know the lore behind Data’s Dad having his middle and last name. Edit: Actually only the middle name is the same and the last name is just similar. I still think there’s lore there (excuse the pun), probably he’s a descendent of his cult followers or something. The story seemed to be eugenics bad and also the type of guy to basically be a eugenics cult leader would be super manipulative and abusive but just charming enough in a relationship. It does a pretty good job of showing the abuse in his relationship with the historian woman, how he switches between being loving and I guess charming, and flattering to being abusive and degrading. I wish that the historian woman could find someone that she can explore domination and submission with consensually cause that seems like it would be what she really wants. Anyway but in the end they just let him go? Like he tried to take over the ship but they were like here have a colony. They compared the place to Australia when the colonists arrived at Botany Bay and that it could be... I forget what the word was but basically ‘civilised’ and No NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO STOP RIGHT THERE NO Australia was already populated and didn’t need eugenicist cult leaders who were demonstrably bad to show up make it ‘better.’ AND THEN the historian is given the choice to go with them and she does and its framed like it’s good? Or at least ok? When they just did a pretty decent job of showing how abusive and manipulative he was and she had redeemed herself by turning against him? So I get that they probably wanted to bring him back although they’re probably not gonna bring her back, but they could’ve easily had him escape instead.

A Taste of Armageddon: Suicide machines. I forget the rest.

This Side of Paradise: SEX POLLEN! Well it’s more fall in love pollen, I guess, for one character. There’s a woman and there’s the music and the soft focus and BUT WAIT then the camera cuts to Spock not Kirk! Because she has taste. It’s about this point that I think the ‘Spock’s the most popular but Shatner wants to remain the star so we’ll emphasise their character’s relationship thus inadvertently inventing slash fic’ might’ve started. It’s time for a love triangle! She makes Spock get the sex pollen, which is not getting consent, and then he falls in love with her and is climbing trees and is all happy. Kirk can’t get a text back from Spock. Then Kirk and two others get the pollen except Kirk didn’t, but he did, but anyway I thought everyone would be horny but they weren’t they were just brainwashed. Soon Kirk is all alone on the bridge, then he gets the pollen and is happy to live as a poly triad but then he gets angry and it’s gone. Then he calls Spock to the ship and approaches the situation in the only way Kirk knows how: Homoerotic punching! So they fight for not long enough and then Spock is cured but he’s a little sad, there’s sadness in his voice, it’s not quite so matter of fact. Then Spock’s gf gets sad and the sex pollen is gone too, Spock might still have feelings for her but he has responsibilities to the ship and “to that man on the bridge” which if he was saying to just mean once again the whole ship, and its mission and the captain in a professional sense, seems a little redundant, which would surely be illogical.

The colonists get sad that they haven’t done anything for years because the sex pollen made them unambitious but I would argue maybe the sex pollen was right and you were better off just vibing. This episode was more interesting and less silly than I thought the creator of sex pollen would be. At the end Spock says that for the first time in his life he was happy. While every other character could still easily become addicted to a thing like that they could at least know they would experience happiness or any feelings again in their life, for Spock it was going back to nothingness.

Devil in the Dark: Spock calls Kirk Jim which I don’t think he has before, when he’s talking over the communicator and he’s worried he’s in danger, there’s some actual fear or urgency in his voice. Also the moment that got me was when Kirk wanted to send Spock back the ship cause he didn’t trust him to kill the creature and Spock was like “but… I’m not really as useful there I am here… so…” If I was writing it I would’ve played that up more but anyway, I like that they didn’t kill the creature. I like that McCoy said the thing. And also said “I’m starting to think I can cure a rainy day.” He’s my favourite.

Errand of Mercy: It’s kinda becoming the Kirk Spock show now, I like the ship but I miss McCoy. I like that the passive pacifists who Kirk was so angry with were actually more powerful. And KLINGONS! Oh yeah the orientalism, the yellow peril, it’s… it’s there all right. They were played a lot colder here, a little Cardassian maybe, still bloodthirsty but I don’t believe this guy has to do it himself to feel honourable, he can kill for sure but he’s fine ordering someone else to do it and being a chessmaster too.

The Alternative Factor: God this one was boring. But it does have a man with the worst beard wig I’ve ever seen. Now he’s stuck fighting the bad version of himself or something to save the universe. So remember that when you’re watching later Trek series, all of this could suddenly be destroyed if one of them gets tired.

The City on the Edge of Forever: UHURA GETS TO GO ON AN AWAY MISSION! Aaaand she doesn’t get to do anything :/ The usual three go back in time! To the 60s again! Oh wait… that’s meant to be the 30s? Oh. That’s some tall hair that lady has for the 30s. But at least said lady is a character, she’s a little perfect but she does things, she has strong beliefs, she might be written a little idealised, but she is still written like a person compared to almost every other Kirk love interest. “He says it (captain) even when he doesn’t say it” is an interesting line. So she has to die, I still think they could’ve just convinced her that you don’t make friends with fascists but ok. They never say what the Clark Gable movie is.

Operation Annihilate! Kirk’s brother dies, and so does his sister in law, leaving his nephew without parents. This is never resolved and the episode ends with them laughing about how Spock got his eyesight back.

[hapuriainen]

Hapuriainen's Animation & Comics & Games of 2020

It is again time for the annual compilation!

Manga:

Attack on Titan

I'm so sad this is so close to end... It's been my main thing for a few years now. Eren definitely didn't take the route I expected but I still find this consistent with his character and a bold and interesting move from the author.

(My notes say I also finished the jr high spin-off manga but it's not worth talking about)

Awards given: Best Side Girl (I still like Gabi, haters gonna hate), Best Boy (ditto Eren)

One Piece, My Hero Academia My interest in OP is still at an all-time low and I'm just waiting for the arc to end. There are so many characters and I have little idea what their deal is, Carrot hasn't been interesting in ages and currently Yamato is the only character I care for. Same for HeroAca; at least the excruciatingly long action scene is finally over.

Undead Unluck New Jump series! I think the main duo have a really good dynamic, but they're pretty much the only thing I care about and I'm very lost with what the plot is actually supposed to be about.

Majin Tantei Nougami Neuro

I like detective stories so here's one from the Assassination Classroom creator! The detective stuff itself could get rather nonsensical and as the story progressed more and more fantasy elements were added, but the titular character was entertaining enough to keep me interested. The viewpoint character was refreshingly (for a Jump series) a girl and her dynamic with Neuro (an ordinary schoolgirl and an arrogant amoral troll demon) was great.

Awards given: Best non-romantic relationship (Neuro & Yako)

Spy x Family

Super fun and the characters are cute!  The main couple has such great chemistry and in general I enjoy following characters who are really competent at their job. Not surprised that this has become hugely popular.

Awards given: Best romance (it is rare to get me to ship anything but the main couple here is just so cute)

Delicious in Dungeon

This manga has amazing character design and the author clearly loves to play around with it, like by drawing each character as each other's races, or making clones of everyone but each clone is a little different so you can guess which is the real one with the characters, and there's so much thought put to the outfits too. And then there's of course all the worldbuilding around how an RPG dungeon and the creatures in it could work, but it's presented simply enough that the story is still easy to follow. I also like the upbeat atmosphere; maybe I could get a bit more emotionally involved if there was more drama, but I still really like this as it is.

Awards given: Best character designs

Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou

Reread one of my favourite manga ever and it's still just as good. I love how the manga still has a positive vibe to it, under it there is the quiet melancholy of a world that is close to ending. And it's wonderful how uninterested the story is answering any of the worldbuilding questions it sets up.

Beastars

This was incredibly interesting in how it presented an animal society where the carnivore-herbivore differences couldn't be just explained away with "the differences don't really exist", and the story looks at this from so many different angles. Pairs really well with Zootopia for a completely different approach. Louis was a really interesting character with how he publicly managed to appear as if he was a good candidate to be the next ambassador for the peace between the animals but was actually very cold and broken inside, and I really liked his breakdown moment. The ending was pretty meh though.

Awards given: Best Side Boy (Louis)

Kannagi

This one has really cute character designs but apart from that it's a pretty generic harem story. Except for the twist that the main girl already had been involved with a boy which caused otaku to shred their manga or whatever. I believe I would have enjoyed this more if it finished back when it went to hiatus since at this point it didn't do much for me.

Witch Hat Atelier

The main girl is the kind of heroic, friendly, plucky goody-two-shoes protagonist I really don't like but apart from that this is a great manga. I love the art, and the way the magic works is really well set up but also easy to understand. Great outfits too!

Anime:

This year I learned that in order to clear stuff from your anime watch list you need to actually watch anime. So unexpectedly I think I watched a lot more different series than usual.

Attack on Titan

It was my plan to watch seasons 1-3 before jumping on board with the last one, and of course I dragged my feet for the entire year and had to marathon the whole thing in autumn. I still prefer the manga, but the anime does have great colours, soundtrack and voice acting and some of the action scenes were amazing. But I really hate what they did to Historia in season 3... The final season has been excellent so far and I can't wait for the big scene in the next episode.

Awards given: Best OP (all the Linked Horizon ones)

Ouran High School Host Club

Haruhi continues to be one of the best girls in the anime and manga industry ever with her confident and no-nonsense attitude, and Tamaki's oblivious and overflowing friendliness makes for a great counterpart to her. And the opening theme is so darn catchy.

Awards given: Best Girl (Haruhi)

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann Finally managed to watch this. I love the iconic character designs and all the chaotic energy. Kamina for best bro. I've never cared for mecha, the girls were nice but the writing around them sucked and the second half wasn't as strong as the first one, but still a good package overall.

Awards given: Best ED (don't care for the song that much but Simon looks somehow really cool in the second ending)

Haibane Renmei

Another one that had been on the watch list for years. A lovely quiet and contemplative show. Visuals were rather dull though but maybe it's better for a show like this that the characters didn't have bubblegum pink hair.

Digimon Adventure 2020

This started promising but has since lost steam. I really like how different the story is from the original Digimon Adventure, and compared to Precure it's super nice how not every episode has the exact same structure, and the cast has different roles and regularly gets split up instead of shoehorning everyone into every conflict. But on the other hand the characters feel way more samey and flat, and the original "kids want to return to their home from the Digital World" plot was a lot more personal than the current one about global crises and prophecy jargon. And some of the action scenes last way too long.

Awards given: Worst side boy (Agumon and his evolutions, it is of course expected that he'd get a lot of screen time but I'm so over how much he's constantly pushed in your face in the franchise)

Shuumatsu Nani Shitemasu ka? Isogashii Desu ka? Sukutte Moratte Ii Desu ka?

This wasn't afwul but still left me kind of cold. I think the character designs were a problem here, in general I'm used to brightly coloured anime characters but this was trying to be a very serious story about child soldiers who know they're going to die young. But when they were colour-coded and always wore the same clothes (and mostly had pretty generic animu girl personalities) they felt so artificial which made it harder to get into the drama. Nice OP song.

Yashahime

Inuyasha was my first show after really getting into anime so I was super hyped for any kind of new content. So far this has unfortunately been rather dull since I'm not particularly interested in either of Sesshoumaru's daughters, and the way the show treats the absence of the old cast is annoying. Just either show them or make it clear we're not supposed to care about them, now it's just annoying how their disappearance is treated as a mystery but the three heroines know barely anything about their heritage and don't even seem interested in learning either. But I'll watch this to the end for Moroha.

Kaitou Tenshi Twin Angels, Twin Angel Break, Pretear, Happy Seven, Healin' Good Precure

Watched a lot of magical girl stuff this year too, these being shows that play the tropes straight. The Twin Angel seasons had different flaws but were otherwise watchable aside from the awful Twin Angel Break heroine. Pretear had surprisingly nice character writing and I feel I would really have liked this if I saw it at an earlier part of my anime hobby experience but now it doesn't feel so special any more. Healin' Good Precure has been rather dull.

I also watched a bunch of Precure movies, out of which only the Star Twinkle Precure one was actually good, and the Spring Carnival crossover movie was also good in an absurd way, while the rest ranged from awful to somewhat decent.

Awards given: Worst girl (Meguru - Twin Angel Break), Biggest WTF (Happy Seven suddenly going from monster of the week shenaningans to alien mass destruction weapons)

Concrete Revolutio, Myriad Colors Phantom World, Re:Creators

Also some anime where the magical girl was a side character. Concrete Revolutio was an unpleasant mess with nice visuals, Myriad Colors was a pretty boring otaku high school harem thing and the magical girl episode was also rather bland, and Re:Creators had a lot of potential with the "anime characters come to our world" setting but the result was somewhat uneven. Re:Creators had the best magical girl out of these three.

Awards given: Worst non-romantic relationship, Worst side girl (Setsuna from Re:creators, with the main boy) not really an awful character on her own, but the writing around her was pretty bad, let's also give Worst Boy for the said main boy

Nausicaa

I watched the first half of the movie over a decade ago and didn't manage to finish until now. After seeing so many other Ghibli movies this didn't do much for me, but the animation and nature were still beautiful.

Western:

Most Popular Girls in School

The newer seasons didn't reach the heights of the earlier ones but there's still something entertaining about a very raunchy Barbie doll stop motion show. Also pairs well with the Barbie Life in the Dreamhouse for a fun but more child friendly Barbie experience.

Frozen 2

I'm wondering if these really are the only Western piece of media I consumed this year? I certainly didn't go to movies after March. Anyway, like the previous film I had major problems with the plot and characters (I don't think Elsa's story was set up properly, Kristoff's sub-plot feels like an afterthought when he doesn't factor to Anna's sub-plot at all, Olaf is annoying, too much Lore) but ultimately I still had a good time. I like the costume design, the idea for Elsa's arc is fine, the songs are great and there were plenty of good scenes too, and the lullaby was beautiful. I'd say that like the original Frozen this was patched together from perfectly serviceable pieces that didn't quite work combined.

Awards given: Worst romance (not the pairing itself but the way Kristoff x Anna was written)

Games:

Animal Crossing Pocket Camp

Early this year I just decided not to open this app for the daily money-grubbing grind and haven't touched it since. I'm free!

Animal Crossing New Horizons

However the daily grind continues here! It's been way more enjoyable, primarily due to lacking the microtransactions/limited time item angle and also for being so much more customisable. And the nature is so pretty... But I've reached a point where even this has started to feel kind of stale.

Super Mario Odyssey

My first Mario game since Super Mario World so of course I'm blown away by everything. I like how colourful and welcoming the worlds were, Cappy was a surprisingly enjoyable sidekick/mascot and also the game was easy enough and had a simple linear plot so it was far easier to approach than Zelda BotW which is still on hold.

Plans for 2021

Actually play Zelda BotW

Maybe finally Evangelion?

Finally finish the mostly disappointing Digimon Adventure tri

Various magical girl sequels and remakes