#then shuts back down bc it’s traumatic to relive it

[marieaqua]

Endometriosis is a whole different kind of beast. A week or two each month you get hit with the worst pain you’ve ever felt for hours on end that not even opioid pain meds can truly help. You get stuck on the bathroom floor, unable to move or speak, while you go in and out of consciousness due to the pain. There’s no breaks or waves in the pain until it finally starts to slowly fizzle out.

[sparkles-and-galaxies]

elaboration on the Crystal King Lloyd au bc I'm bored as fuck

(I’m sorry this is so long I never learnt how to shut the fuck up)

Everything is the same up until the building collapses under Harumi in s9. She miraculously survives, although is injured, and having just relived her greatest trauma her first reaction is to call for help. When nobody comes, she gets herself together and manages to escape on her own, running away and hiding. She watches the final battle between father and son from afar and starts planning her revenge after Lloyd's victory.

Of course there's the pressing question: how could one even defeat the Green Ninja? After all, he fought off not just Garmadon but the rest of the Oni and then later Aspheera, a powerful sorceress - so if they are no match for him, what could be? Harumi realizes the greatest strength of the ninja are their elemental powers and therefore their biggest weakness is losing them (as evidenced by Kai's reaction to getting his fire power stripped away).

But the only thing that could nullify elemental power is vengestone, something that is hard to come by. She searches night and day until she comes across the Kingdom of Shintaro, where she goes on to negotiate a deal with King Vangelis - she is still technically the Jade Princess, having inherited all of her parents’ wealth, so money isn't exactly an issue. She also contacts the Mechanic, asking him to build a robot army from the vengestone, something he is more than happy to help with.

But of course, first the Mechanic has to run after the events with Prime Empire and then later the ninja come and defeat Vangelis, putting a stop to the operation. The army is not nearly big enough to be a threat to the ninja, the few robots that have already been built are barely functional, and Harumi might be good at planning but she is no technician to finish the job herself.

Harumi retreats for a while, trying to come up with ideas that haven't already failed under other villains' hands. She watches the ninja fight Kalmaar and Wojira and then Nya leave to be one with the ocean, and that’s when it strikes her. Although their powers are their greatest strength, it is also their greatest weakness – and Lloyd is partially Oni, after all, so what if instead of searching for ways to defeat the Green Ninja, she could turn his own heritage against him? What if instead of pushing Lloyd, the hero, down to the ground, she could raise Lloyd, the villain, to the top?

And it’s not like Lloyd doesn’t have the seeds of villainy in him either. He used to want to be just like his father, and although he claims to have grown out of that mindset, he did leave Harumi to die under that collapsed building.

Then comes s15 blah blah Harumi collects the cock Council of the Crystal King blah blah Lloyd comes and gets captured. He keeps telling Harumi that she doesn’t have to do this and it’s not too late to turn back (thinking that Harumi is trying to resurrect the Overlord idk I haven’t thought about this too much) to which Harumi replies well, you don't have to be a good guy either. You don't have to sacrifice every part of your life to the people who don't even have an ounce of respect for the work you do and the effort you put into it. After all, they did throw you into jail even though you were only trying to help your friend, didn't they?

And Lloyd obviously tries to disagree but Harumi doesn’t stop. She brings up all the things Lloyd has lost to being the Green Ninja, his childhood, his innocence, his father, his friends (multiple times, welcome to Ninjago where death is meaningless but just as traumatizing) – the list could go on and on. So when Lloyd finally does manage to escape, he keeps thinking about how much being the Green Ninja is a burden and how deeply he does indeed wish he was never chosen for this job.

They still go get Garmadon (even though the Overlord doesn’t return in this au – as I said I haven’t thought everything through) and Lloyd still gets Oni training to combat the Vengestone Army, but now Garmadon’s words of focusing on his anger mix with Harumi’s insights. So when failed attempt after failed attempt they are still losing and Lloyd can feel the frustration in his friends and all of Ninjago is counting on him – something breaks in him. He never asked for this, he never asked to be the hero and savior of the world! He never asked for his childhood to be taken away (even though it was technically his choice, but he was a kid how could he have known to make the good decision?), he never asked to be in constant battle with villains where every victory only means an opportunity for another evil to rise in their place!

Finally out of ideas, Lloyd gives in to the despair the husk of his father has been advising to weaponize. Maybe all this hero talk and doing the right thing isn’t enough to defeat the enemy. Maybe Garmadon was right when he said that the only way to protect Ninjago from the Oni was to allow him to take over the city.

Maybe the way of defeating the villains isn’t to be the hero, but to be the greater bad. And nothing is worse than an Oni at its full power.

Lloyd, finally having had enough with the world constantly throwing shit at his face, lets go of all the morals that have been holding him back. In his place emerges the Crystal King, embodiment of hatred and loss, an undefeatable foe of both Oni and Dragon powers – with Harumi, a friend who he once trusted and cared for, as his right hand and closest advisor. She did make him realize the truth of his situation, after all.

[sam-rothstein]

speaking of utopia (has not been speaking of utopia for 2 months)

along with lee somehow apparently being the fan favourite sexyman why are ppl determined to ship wilson/lee like u can do whatever u want but it just seems a shame bc one of many things i liked in the show is how they straight up shut down the idea that wilson and lee would have a snarky, give-and-take type relationship LIKE lee physically came out of his meeting w wilson worse off and so he doesn't consider them even in that sense and like yeah clearly he'd rather it hadn't happened but he doesn't seem to have been mentally affected by the violence done to him itself. he's not scared of wilson in fact he can't even conceive of that concept. and even while wilson finds himself in a more favoured/powerful position lee considers himself completely superior to him. and it goes without saying that lee wants revenge and also beyond that lee would hurt wilson just for fun whereas wilson wouldn't hurt anyone for fun. meanwhile the thing is wilson is traumatized by lee torturing him. he probably considers himself a better sort of person than lee but beyond his basic moral standing he also doesn't consider lee totally beneath him because yknow he's terrified of lee and probably always will be and yknow they both know lee has that power over him. and we know wilson wants to kill lee bc he's an awful person and as a sort of retroactive+proactive self defense which he does as soon as he becomes hardened enough to be able to go through with it.

And so there's this scene where they're u could say bantering in the car and wilson goes 'knowledge is never useless' and lee goes 'wasn't much use when i got my spoon out was it' and wilson just goes quiet. he could remind lee that he 'knew' how to get out of handcuffs and use lee's own gun to shoot him but he doesn't because they're not just talking anymore. wilson is reliving his trauma and fucking petrified. and paul ready gives a really great line delivery here, it's kinda chill and laid back, like u can hear just how secure and superior he feels bringing this topic up even though wilson nearly killed him, but u can also hear him taking real pleasure in knowing that he's hurt wilson, permanently, physically and emotionally, and that's something he'll have no matter what wilson does. like what a perfect moment and again nothing Wrong w writing their relationship a different way but like . the show already started u off somewhere Cooler

[rewcana]

it's the 2 yr anniversary of me getting hit with the corner of a 43lb box containing an AC unit. it scraped against my back over my left shoulder blade. i am currently disabled by that injury, 2 years later. it's a different form of that injury but it is a result of it. i've not gotten any medical treatment because it's a work injury and my employer won't take responsibility for it. im in the middle of a months long lawsuit trying to get compensation and treatment. ive been disabled for 9 months. i healed okay from the initial injury but during heavy lifting activities or anything involving my shoulder it would aggravate the injury. then i got another heavy lifting job and the injury was severely aggravated again after not bothering me for months. i decided to go through workers comp and the dr told me to work and continuing to work through immense pain (i informed the dr how severe the pain was) aggravated the injury SO MUCH that it has stayed with me this long. previous aggravations of the injury would heal within a week but because i was forced to work because my doctor restrictions held more weight than my present experience, now i have a severe physical disability and chronic pain.

i have relived the injury so many times, re-experiencing the physical trauma. and the emotional trauma from having to justify and defend my pain to my managers, health care professionals, fucking insurance agents. my insurance bitch wouldn't listen to me when i wanted to go back to the doctors so they could change my work restrictions because lifting 15 lbs was incredibly painful for me, i could barely move my arm without severe throbbing pain. she wouldn't shut up about the process and only listened when i was having a full on melt down in my car outside of the clinic. fully sobbing and screaming in my car because no one is taking my pain seriously. she finally approved it and insisted that it "wouldn't matter" bc all she cares about is the case and if the company will be held liable. but getting more severe work restrictions saved me from extreme pain.

then i had another full on sobbing melt down in front of my supervisor and manager which is an autistic person's worst nightmare. this one was because i was put into work that i was pressured into agreeing to that technically didn't fit into my dr restrictions and i was in severe pain still. i told my supervisor that my injury was really painful today so i would be icing it. he said that was fine and that i could do so for as long as i need. i did that and then he confronted me and said i was doing so for too long. i rushed away and burst into tears and sobbed in the bathroom because my pain was so extreme and i was so frustrated with people not being clear and feeling like no one was considering my pain. masking pain is such a traumatic and prevelant narrative in my autistic ass life. but this insane physical pain was just too difficult and i felt so weak and pathetic and i was sobbing for like over an hour while trying to talk through this with my manager and the supervisor. the supervisor was taking it personally but i just keep saying that it's because i'm in so much pain. my manager was actually quite sweet and understanding about it because she had been through an incredibly painful injury as well.

pain is really like... if you haven't experienced it to a certain degree, it's just conceptual to you. you really can't understand it unless you've felt its horror.

anyway being autistic and injured in a workplace sucks. it also fucking sucks being disabled with a special sting that it's a work injury that is legally complicated so the lawsuit is taking forever and who knows if i'll ever see the end of it. i really hope i will. these are free lawyers so they kinda don't care but they do but it takes time i guess. gods. i just fucking hate capitalism so goddamn much.

i regret so hard not suing when i first was injured but my social anxiety and avoidance behavior kept me from it. if i had known how much it would have fucked me over in the long run i would have. not to mention the mountains of trauma i went through at that workplace. gods no wonder i've been unemployed for so long (well besides the disability that makes most work i qualify for impossible) i have so much goddamn work trauma. fuck.

i miss the good ole days of dining hall work. i didnt get paid much and didnt really talk to anyone but at least i wasn't experiencing the horrors.

on a brighter note the severity of the pain and disability is much less. i can cook, clean, carry some things, shower, get dressed, use the toilet, etc. with minor pain. i still feel severe pains after periods of lots of activity (lots of cleaning, moving around, cooking, driving, etc) and i can't carry heavy things with my left arm or extend it far for long. there is lots i can't do but i hope to do. maybe on the 3rd anniversary of the injury, i will have justice. i will be actively getting treatment. i hope this will be true. im glad that at least i finally did sue. i'm taking steps tho the journey is slow due to extreme avoidant behaviors (due to extreme burnout). day by day by day by day.

[shroomwar]

Me: Will Byers should never suffer again, he’s been through enough and should be protected at all costs

Also me: Kali returns in s5 and under some circumstances, she makes Will see his trauma, maybe to see if there are any details to help them kill Vecna or something. But she kinda goes too ham on the whole thing, so Will’s basically reliving parts of it and he’s convulsing and screaming on the floor bc he feels the mind flayer everywhere again. Mike starts shouting at Kali to stop showing Will things, all the while shaking Will’s shoulders to try and snap him out of it. Eventually, El says something like “stop hurting my brother!" And Kali relents, so Mike continues trying to wake Will up. It takes him a second, because his eyes are screwed shut, but Will comes back to the present shaking aggressively. He rushes to the bathroom and proceeds to dry heave over the toilet, bc he feels like he’s back in the upside down choking again, and fears for a second another slug is gonna come out. Mike follows him to the bathroom, petting his hair gently. Once Will is sure he’s not going to throw up, he finally starts crying, like, the hardest we’ve ever seen him cry. Mike just holds him in his lap, stroking his hair and holding onto him for dear life. Later, once Will calms down, they emerge from the bathroom hand in hand, and Will says “I know how to stop him." Bc he actually did get information, despite how traumatic the experience was. Kali has a look on her face that screams “I told you so” but Mike just sends her the coldest glare on the face of the Earth and then Will explains the plan and he has his badass bitch moment where he leads the charge and decides that he’s not going to let this place hurt him and the ones he loves anymore and Mike sticks by his side no matter what and-

[sparkie96]

Me, half asleep: hmm chreon

Me, suddenly galaxy brain and wide awake: Chris leaves for edonia before leon can tell him that he's pregnant, he never gets the chance to tell him, chris loses his memories, leon has their baby and then about a month later re6 happens and he and Chris reunite but it's bittersweet bc Chris doesn't remember who leon was to him, cue to the angst of leon having to deal with being alone and thinking chris was dead for his entire pregnancy, and then them mending their relationship as chris heals, and Chris meets the baby and they become a proper family

Me, exhausted from this apparently v taxing thought and now half asleep again: hmm chreon

It had been a long and tiresome six-months plus the oh so fun trip to China...which Chris lost his entire team twice to the same woman who had had an indirect hand in nearly killing his mate and his mate’s partner as well as said mate’s adoptive daughter and the key to stopping the C-Virus. And a tiresome couple of weeks where he took some time off to himself.

Chris shook his head as his escort drove him out to the ranch Leon supposedly now owned thanks to the late Adam Benford. The agent said he had a surprise for him and Chris was practically vibrating in his seat, wondering just what the surprise was. His memory was still a bit fuzzy, so he remembered Leon and wanted to get back to him the whole time he was in Edonia...he just didn’t know his name or the reason why he needed to get back so badly. And then there was...something else. It involved Leon and a grainy picture of some sort...but try as he might, he couldn’t remember what it was. 

Hopefully his memory would kickstart back to normal by the time he got there. He really wanted to relive “Memory Lane” with his beautiful Omega. He wanted to experience the emotions that came with those memories. He wanted to remember them too, cursing his broken memories and his damned Amnesia. 

The truck pulled up to the ranch, surrounded by miles of grass and fields of corn. Chris’s heart pounded in his chest as he gazed upon the breathtaking sight, unable to believe that this very beautiful but kind of isolated property was now his home too. The truck pulled into the driveway, the driver; Nadia, informing him that they were here. Chris stared out of the window, butterflies beating their wings inside of his stomach and making it churn nervously.

“Captain?” She asked, “Everything alright?” 

Chris drummed his fingers on the door, eyes staring at the front door of the home anxiously, “Y-Yeah,” He lied, “Just...nervous...that’s all. My head isn’t so good right now so…” 

She gently laid a hand on his shoulder, “You’ll be alright. Agent Kennedy’s been filled in on the situation that occurred over the last several months by Captain Valentine. He’s a good person. He’ll understand.” 

“I know,” Chris replied with a slight cant of the head, his other hand toying with his seatbelt, “I just...I don’t want to disappoint him or upset him if he brings up something and I can’t remember…” 

Nadia gave him a reassuring smile and a squeeze, “You couldn’t if you tried. He loves you.” 

Chris looked to her, smiling a small smile back before giving a nod. With a deep breath, he undid his seatbelt as she unlocked the door to let him out. She bid him farewell and good luck, waiting until he was completely out of the truck and had shut the door behind himself before pulling away. She gave a friendly honk before driving back in the direction of HQ. 

Leaving him in front of the house. 

Chris turned to it, timidly walking up the gravel and to the wooden porch. He ascended the three steps there, pausing to stare at the door once more. He didn’t know why this was so hard, nor did he know why he was so nervous. There shouldn’t have been something ominous about this whole thing. This was home...his family was inside. His mate and their silly cat. Though, there was a little voice in the back of his mind saying that that was not all that was inside...that he was missing a little detail. 

Opening the screen door, he raised his fist and knocked on the solid front door. And then...he just stood there...waiting. He didn’t try to peek through the glass in the door, figuring that would have been rude or it would have ruined the surprise planned for him. 

There were footsteps on the other side, Chris holding his breath as they approached the door. Through the frosted glass, he could see a mass of blue and white and beige and brown. He could hear every click of the locks as they were undone, Chris taking another deep breath as the pounding grew louder in his ears. 

His breath was caught in his throat again as the door opened, Leon’s smiling face looking up at him, blue eyes clearly filled with tears. 

“Hey…” Chris greeted awkwardly, but then gave a soft “Oof!” as Leon nearly tackled him, hugging him tightly. 

“Hey, Big Guy.” Leon’s muffled voice replied in his shoulder, the Omega’s face buried in the fabric of Chris’s shirt, “We missed you so much…” 

...We? 

“I missed you all too.” Chris replied, hugging him back as Leon pulled away, the two meeting for a soft chaste kiss, “You and that goofy cat.” 

Leon looked up at him as they parted, canting his head to the side, “...You don’t remember…” He paused mid sentence and gave a nod, “Wait...of course you don’t. Sorry, my mistake. The Post Traumatic Amnesia…” 

“What don’t I remember?” Chris asked a bit too quickly, his heart still pounding in his chest. This was exactly why he didn’t feel like he was ready enough for this. This is why he had been putting off coming here for weeks. His worst fear was happening...he was upsetting his mate. 

As if sensing his distress, Leon shook his head and carefully cupped Chris’s cheeks, holding his face in his hands, “No, no, no! It’s okay! It was my mistake! That’s why I had a surprise for you!” 

Chris calmed down a bit, taking more deep breaths and counting in his head to ten, “Right. You said there was a surprise…” 

Leon nodded with a warm smile, “Yeah...I have someone I want you to meet.” 

Chris furrowed his brows but let Leon take his coat for him, the Omega telling him that it was okay to take his shoes off by the front door. While Chris did that, Leon shut the front door and locked it, waiting until Chris was settled before taking him by the hand. Chris allowed him to lead him further into the house, going down the hall and to one of the rooms at the end of the hallway. 

“You probably don’t remember this,” Leon began, “But...a couple months before you went to Edonia, I was pregnant.” 

Pregnant...Leon had been pregnant? Chris thought about what Leon had said earlier...about how “We missed you…”. We…

Leon let go of his hand, opening the door with the little characters on it, looking back at him with a smile. 

“Chris,” Leon began, pushing the door open and revealing the crib inside, a little red-headed baby staring back at them, giving the biggest smile he could manage with a pacifier in his mouth, “I want you to meet your son: Oliver Kennedy-Redfield.”

Chris’s heart was fluttering...but not out of nervousness. The Alpha was in awe, smiling as tears welled up in his eyes. He had a son...he had a family who had been waiting for him all this time.

He was home at last.

[winterromanov]

know it’s for the better - bucky x reader

pairing: college!bucky x reader

part of the will we talk? universe

prompt:  what about college!bucky during quarantine? their school gets shut down... do they stay together? how does it go?

a/n: a repost bc the ‘read more’ fucked up on the ask and idk??? what happened??? but here u go. about 2k words

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.

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know it’s for the better

The semester is not supposed to end like this. No, there are supposed to be parties and laughter and getting wine drunk on the roof, bare legs dangling into New York City. There are supposed to be finals, and library study sessions, and football games in hot, summer rain. There are supposed to be more nights tucked in the twin bed in your dorm room with Bucky’s arm looped round your waist, fingers splayed across your bare skin.

Instead it’s the beginning of March and everything is over. You could feel it coming like storm clouds, black and ominous, hovering on the horizon. The virus has been hovering on your periphery for an embarrassingly long time. As your twitter timeline became more and more scary and the news could talk of little else, it has become frighteningly and anxiously real. Life—everywhere, but particularly in New York—is never going to be the same.

You have no choice but to pack up your little dorm room and return home. Your mom had frantically booked you a flight out, worrying that in less than a week they could be suspended altogether. The virus has been spreading furiously in the city. A place you now call home could be one of the most dangerous places in the world.

And yet…the thought of leaving behind everything so abruptly is killing you. It’s not even school, despite loving it so much. It’s not the college lifestyle or your friends or just having the freedom to waltz wherever you want without fear.

It’s Bucky.

You leave New York, you have to leave him. And God knows how long that might be for.

“Y/N.” His voice is soft, barely a whisper. Bucky has been quietly watching you fill suitcases with clothes, cardboard boxes with belongings. Every so often it looks like he is going to help, but he thinks twice about it, like he can’t bear this is happening. “Y/N…could we, like, stop for a second?”

“My flight leaves first thing in the morning,” you say, refusing to turn and look at him. Your eyes well up as your tear Polaroids and ticket stubs and a sketch Steve did for you from your corkboard, unable to look at those either. They’re just reminders of everything you’re leaving and will never be the same again. “I don’t have time. I just need to get this done, okay?”

“I can’t just keep watching you do this and not talk about what’s going to happen next!”

“Well, maybe you could fucking help, then.”

You never swear, not really, and you can feel Bucky’s expression burning into the back of your skull. Hurt, surprise, desperation. “Let me help. Let me understand what is going through your head.”

“I—I didn’t mean that kind of help, I just need to pack these damn bags…”

Bucky’s hands touch your shoulders. It should feel familiar, his limbs and yours colliding. But he feels like fire. It feels like you’re going to have his handprints burnt into your skin, red and raw, a tattoo of the one real relationship you’ve ever had.

Because he knows just as well as you do that…it’s not going to work, is it? School is over. There is a fucking pandemic going on outside, and you live all the way on the other side of the country whilst he is and always will be a Brooklyn boy. You were supposed to have a whole semester and the summer to sort out what came next, to establish the foundations of your future together, if there was definitely going to be one. And that’s been ripped underneath you like a traumatic tablecloth.

You love him. You love him so fucking much. But is it fair to try and keep going when everything is like this?

“You know my mom and dad would love you to move in,” he says, “You can quarantine with us, see how things go. I just—I just don’t want you to leave. Please don’t leave.”

“Bucky. Please. That’s not fair.” You say, eyes fluttering closed. “We haven’t lived together before and…how do you know we’d work like that? This is serious, and terrifying, and I need to be somewhere I feel safe.”

“You don’t feel safe with me?”

At that you turn to face him, seeing the desperate pain in his eyes. You run your hands across his jawline, cupping at his neck. One tear runs across and down your wrist and he looks away, embarrassed. “Sweetheart. You know that’s not what I meant.”

“God. Yeah. I know, darl’. I know.” He kisses your hand softly. “With everything going on, (Y/N), my future feels a lot more certain knowing you’ll still be in it.”

You fall into his chest, inhaling him in. That woody, fresh scent of his cologne, coffee and mint and dark chocolate. You want to wrap yourself up in him and drown. Escape to a place where time is irrelevant, and nothing ever ends.

“I need to be with my family, Bucky. My mom is worried about me. I can’t put her through me staying here, even if I wanted to. And your mom would be the same.”

“I get that. I do. But you’re—you’re making it sound like that we have to break up.” You lean out of his embrace, his tear-filled eyes scrutinising you. “Are…we breaking up?”

Your mouth opens, swinging like a door on a loose hinge as you try and say something. Eloquence usually comes to you easy, when talking about the books you read for class. It’s one of the things Bucky first noticed about you, your fervent love for language. But there are no words for this. Just empty, agonising silence.

“Why do we have to break up?” He asks, voice cracked in two like a broken porcelain vase. “Why is that what you immediately resort to? There are thousands of ways we could make this work. Starting with the fact that I love you. Is that not enough to even try?”

You pause. Your room, once your safe haven, now feels torturous and unbearable. Suffocating. You bite your lip, tears burning behind your eyelids. “I would love to say yes, Bucky, but I don’t know. I just—I don’t want to be a few weeks down the line, you here and me in Colorado, finding out that it hasn’t worked and it isn’t enough and we have to break up over fucking Skype or…I don’t know, slowly ghost each other into nothingness? I would a million times over rather end it here where I love you than then where I don’t.”

“That is the worst logic I’ve ever heard. Literally the worst. You are assuming the absolute worst of both of us, and…” he runs a frantic hand through his hair. “You know what, if that’s what you think, maybe you’re right. If you have that little faith in me—us—now, maybe we should call it quits.”

“Bucky—”

“I’m going to leave. Have a good trip home.” He looks around your room for one last second but does not meet your gaze. “Have a really fucking good trip home.”

Bucky hovers for a moment by the door, like he’s waiting for one last glimmer of hope. That you might ask him to stay because even…even after all that, he still would drop everything for you to say stay.

But you don’t. The door reverberates loudly in the frame on his way out.

-

You don’t break down, which surprises you. For a little while after he leaves, when you try to immerse yourself in packing and singing along to Taylor Swift from your speaker, you think that it’s for the best. It is, it is, because it can’t work and it won’t work and this will save pain further down the line.

But the hours pass and silence creeps in to your now empty, echoing dorm room, absent of the vibrant life that once occupied it and—your heart feels wrong. This is not freeing, or a relief. This is not the ending you wanted.

You go to get a shower and Bucky’s sports towel is hung over one of the empty cubicles. You turn the tap as hot as it can get it, drowning the whole room in steam and something switches within you. The tears start and they refuse to stop, wracking your body like convulsions.

You fucked it. You well and truly fucked one of the only things that could have got you through all of this, even if you’re over a thousand miles away. It’s like Bucky said. The future is uncertain and scary and untenable, but it feels a hell of a lot more definite with him in it.

You wrap yourself in your towel and walk back into the corridor. Wiping your eyes, there’s a shape in a red jersey hovering next to your door.

“Bucky?”

He turns, his jaw tight and eyes rimmed with red. “Y/N.”

He doesn’t have to say anything else. You run over to him, grabbing fistfuls of him desperately, like he’s going to flare and fade from you forever. His arms wrap around you with equal vigour, warm and panicky and home.

“I didn’t mean it.” You say, your words swallowed up by his ribcage. “Dear God, I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it.”

You can feel him sob, body trembling in your arms. “Thank God.”

“I don’t know what will happen next. I haven’t got a fucking clue. But I know I want you there, okay? However it turns out.” You bring his lips down for a kiss tinged with hot water and steam, relief and pure, young, beautiful love. Your foreheads gently rest together. Another quick kiss. “I love you. I love you.”

He kisses you again, like he’s trying to fit in as many as he can. Like he’s packing them all into a suitcase for you to relive, one by one by one, when you’re at home and everything feels like its crumbling.

It will never crumble completely. You know this, because James Buchanan Barnes is your foundations, and he made it pretty fucking clear on day one when he grinned at you in sophomore year Russian lit. You both love novels because you love stories. You love beginnings and ends and everything in between, the climaxes and the romances, murders and death and life—you love breaking apart character, brutally analysing fictional lives and motives. But most of all, you love the feeling of watching characters you adore falling completely and utterly in love. You have spent years trying to define your favourite love story amongst the hundreds you’ve read, but you never thought—

All that time, all you had to do was wait.

send me a request

[unstoppableforcce]

going home — part one

pairing: Poe Dameron x CMO! reader

how wonderful series | next part | masterlist

a/n: this takes place approximately after the fight miniseries, I’ve been working on it for a while but I’ve finally got the first part ready for y’all so I hope y’all enjoy! it’ll be angsty but as always, soft in the end bc I love these two

also WARNING: a little bit of vivid description, nightmares and throwing up

It didn’t matter what you did, you couldn’t catch your breath.

All you could see was the pouring rain washing the blue blood from your hands into a diluted stream down the metallic ship beneath you. All you could hear were the wailing screams of the surrounding group, the pained screams of the body beneath you, and the terror in their voices as they called out. All you could feel was the phantom pumping of the chest beneath you, beating rapidly and then not at all. All you could smell was the rotting stench of infection and antiseptic burn of disinfectant.

You were in too deep, reliving the memory in violent flashes and burning tears, you couldn’t catch your breath.

Not until two hands grabbed you from behind with a searing touch, jolting you awake and out of your wrecked thoughts.

“Shhh you’re okay…”

You were most certainly not okay, no matter how calming Poe tried to make his voice. There was nothing he could do that could calm anything about this. His touch was suffocating, his voice blurred into the wailing and it all just got worse—

Launching out of bed, over his warm body beside you in spite of his protests, you fell into the refresher just a few feet away, finally pulling your eyes open to the aggressive fluorescents in hopes that the bright lights could shake you out of your own head. But with both hands holding you up over the sink, sweat dripping down your head and back, the screams sounded off louder and louder between your ears.

And now the screams were pulling an uneasiness out of your stomach. You tried to swallow it down but in the same instant that the door reopened behind you, you fell to your knees in front of the toilet. Two hands pulled at your hair to keep it back but that was the last thing on your mind as your throat began to burn and your stomach turned over itself.

“Babe…” Poe sighed as he settled on his knees behind you, keeping your hair our of the way, “Are you okay?”

Spitting into the bowl, you were finally able to calm down enough to catch your breath and lean back into where he sat behind you, his hands finally releasing your hair and moving for a towel to wipe off your lips.

“Babe…”

“I’m okay…” you released on your exhale as he began gently wiping the sweat off your brow. “I’m okay…”

“Let’s get you into the shower, okay?”

You shook your head as he tried to move beneath you, so he immediately froze, holding you against him with every breath. “Give me a minute…”

“Okay… you’re okay…”

His lips pressed down onto your forehead, gauging your temperature even as he expressed his affection, just like his gentle hold on your body ensured he could keep a feel for your pulse beating against him.

“Poe?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“I’m sorry…” You coughed out, “they aren’t usually this bad, this… I don’t know…”

“It’s okay, I know…”

He didn’t really know though. He had nightmares, he was pretty sure everyone with a stake in this war did, anyone who lived through some of the things you all encountered on a regular basis would have them… but he didn’t have them like you did. And you didn’t talk about them.

He didn’t blame you.

You woke up traumatized, shaking and hyperventilating, and when it was really bad, you got sick like this and he couldn’t fathom what you must have been reliving in your mind to throw you so far from your typically composed form. And he also knew it wasn’t his place to ask. Whatever it was, you would have told him if you wanted him to know and he was okay with that.

He just wished he could help. He wished his presence behind you in bed, arms wrapped over you, would be enough to remind you that you were safe from whatever was haunting you, but he knew that wasn’t how it worked.

So he didn’t blame you. He just wanted to help.

And after a few cool minutes against the icy floor of the refresher, your back pressed into his chest, you caught your breath enough to have him help you to your feet, pull your sweat-soaked clothes off your body and move you into the shower.

His touch wasn’t burning into your skin anymore, it wasn’t something you flinched away from, it was something you were leaning into, especially as the water began to flow over the both of you. Your face fell to his chest, the water hitting at your back and the screams finally stopped.

“Better?” He hummed as he stroked over your skin in the water.

“Yeah…”

“Do you want to talk?”

You shook your head and he nodded. He was okay with that, he just wanted you to be okay.

And for that night, just being okay would have to do.

Everything was different the next day though.

You hadn’t really gone back to sleep after the shower. You closed your eyes shut and buried your head into his chest, but he could tell you didn’t really go back to sleep.

So when you’re dataPAD started buzzing, you popped up for your shift in an instant, crawling over top of him (he always slept on the outside of the bed, you up against the wall, he practically insisted on it, being closer to the door) and began looking around for your uniform. He didn’t have to be up for another hour, so he just laid back and watched you like he always did.

But this wasn’t the typical morning for the two of you.

There was no talking, no banter, no nothing. You just bent over for your uniform and began pulling it on, sitting back on the bed by his feet to pull on your boots, and somehow not saying a single word the whole time.

“Maybe you should take the morning off, babe…” He groaned out as he sat himself up behind you. You hadn’t really gone back to sleep and he only knew that because he hadn’t been able to either, not with the feeling of you tense underneath his grip, incapable of relaxing.

“I’m fine.”

“Just the morning, we can get some food in the mess, try and go back to sleep for a little—”

“I’m fine Poe, I’m okay.” You sighed, tying your hair up and getting back onto your feet. “I’ve got to go.”

“You can message me if you need anything—”

You leaned down to press a kiss to his cheek and nodded, “yeah, I’ve got to go.”

And without even saying goodbye or saying anything else at all. No “I love you”, no “I’ll let you know when my shift ends”, not even a “have a good day”… he understood but he couldn’t help but be worried. He didn’t know what he could do to help, and he didn’t want you going through this alone but he had his own work to get to, his dataPAD ringing for him to get up not long after you left.

He figured he would hear from you at some point during the day, he normally got a quick message or the two of you had a meeting that overlapped…

But the whole day had passed before he was on his way back from the hanger, finally receiving a message. And it wasn’t from you.

Can you meet me in the med bay, Commander? – Rep

Your second in command, Rep?

Having never received a message from him before, he couldn’t help but let his mind wander to the worst possibilities imaginable. And the whole walk over he spent his time trying to talk himself down from there.

If you were hurt, he would’ve gotten an emergency message. If there was a real problem, he would’ve gotten an emergency message. If it had anything to do with you and something to worry about, he would’ve gotten an emergency message, so he didn’t really need to worry.

If only it were that easy.

Rep had never messaged him before, whatever this was about, he was worried, all the way down to the med bay.

“Do you want me to get the CMO, Commander?” The pink-skinned nurse at the desk up front asked the second he walked in.

He just shook his head, giving the relatively empty bay a scan, “No, I’m looking for Rep actually.”

“I think he’s in his office, it’s next to—”

“Yeah, I know where it is, thank you.” He nodded, trying to keep his head down as he navigated down the hall but lifting it back up when he noticed the lights were off in your office and he didn’t have to be nervous about running into you.

But if he thought he was nervous, he had nothing on Rep as he pulled the door open, having spotted Poe before he even got the chance to knock.  

“Commander, come on in…”

Rep was a tall man, recovering well from the failed mission a few weeks ago, but for as long as he had been your second-in-command, Poe had never seen him so wrecked by nerves. Sweat slicked his brow, his hands fumbled in front of him and he paced back and forth, looking out the window as Poe shut the door behind him.

“What’s going on, Rep?” He hummed, nervously looking over his own shoulder as Rep paced back to the windows and flipped the switch to make them opaque. “You’re kind of freaking me out—”

“I’m worried about the CMO…”

His mouth went dry as his hands lifted to his hips, “what’s going on—”

“This is probably inappropriate, me and you don’t know each other but I know that the two of you are something and she sleeps in your room and wears your ring around her neck—”

Poe waved both of his hands, shaking his head as he took a step forward, “that doesn’t matter, what’s going on Rep?”

“Ever since the General came over to talk to her the other day, I’ve been noticing some mistakes. Small things at first, mislabeling a file, putting supplies in the wrong bin, I just thought she was being spacey, you know, mind somewhere else—”

“What did the General come over for?”

He would have known if there was something going on, wouldn’t he? Something to stress you out… he thought it was just the nightmares…

He thought it was the nightmares shaking you up, he never thought that something having shaken you up would be responsible for the nightmares. The other day? That was when the nightmares started…

“She wanted to discuss a mission for next week, I don’t know, she only wanted the CMO.” Rep explained but shook his head towards the end, “that’s not the important bit though, today, she’s been a lot worse. Not spacey, she’s been somewhere else entirely and I’m worried.”

Poe blew out a breath, rubbing his hands back through his hair, “you talk to her about this?”

“I asked earlier, after she misdiagnosed an easy injury… she blew me off, she’s been like that all day today.” Rep continued, trailing off to a mutter as his stare fell to his twitching hands. “I didn’t know who to talk to, you know?”

“Yeah, coming to me was good…” Poe sighed, resettling his hands at his hips, “what does her schedule look like tonight?”

Rep shrugged, reaching for his dataPAD on his desk and scrolling for a few seconds before turning back to Poe, “She is on the clock until morning but it’s been a slow night, if you can convince her to leave, we can always page her for an emergency.”

“Okay, let me talk to her.”

Poe reached back for the door, but Rep stepped up again, “I don’t want to get her in trouble, I’m just worried. They aren’t big mistakes but—”

“Coming to me was good, Rep, you did the right thing.”

At least, Poe was pretty sure he did.

He wasn’t your superior, but he had been worried this morning, anyone else looking closely like Rep was going to notice something was up and he much preferred handling it with you than someone reporting you. Reaching behind himself, he grabbed the door and gave Rep one final nod. He’d find you and convince you to talk, or at least convince you to sleep.

And maybe once you were sleeping, he’d figure out what mission Leia had gone to talk to you about because the last time he checked, as in twenty minutes ago before he left the hanger, there were no new missions on the books. He didn’t think any planned missions would knock you so far out of form anyways, but the nightmares kicked back up in intensity a couple days ago, and by Rep’s timeline, that was the same day the General talked to you.

There had to be something to that, whatever the mission was—

“Poe?” You were turning down the hall for your office as you nearly ran into him exiting the same hall, mouth hanging slightly open as your brow furrowed. “What are you doing down here?”

“Looking for you… I hadn’t heard from you all day and—”

“You came to check on me?” You nearly scoffed, glancing over his shoulder to find Rep standing in the doorway of his office trying to look inconspicuous and majorly failing.

“No, I just wanted to talk to you.”

“I’m busy—” You tried to brush past him, but he merely followed, “Poe—”

“Just two seconds.” He held up his hands in surrender and you had no choice but to accept, letting him follow you into your office.

“What do you want?”

Rep really wasn’t lying. You had been short with him this morning, but this was different.

You always welcomed his quick visits, at least gave him a quick kiss behind closed doors or a hug or really any show of affection at all. But this was short. You were being short with him and you weren’t ever short with him out of anger or annoyance, maybe because you were actually busy and rushing but you weren’t right now.

Rep was right to be worried.

“We didn’t get much sleep last night, I was just hoping you could go on-call for the night shift, come back to the room with me?” He asked hesitantly, hanging by the door as you bent over your desk, trying to make yourself busy on your dataPAD.

“I can’t—”

“Rep said it wouldn’t be a problem.”

You scoffed, shaking your head, “Yeah, well, he doesn’t control my schedule—”

“Babe, there’s something going on with you, come on.”

That got you to stop where you were, shut off your dataPAD and slowly turn back to him, “there’s nothing wrong with—”

“I’m not saying there’s something wrong with you, but there’s something going on. I know Leia came to talk to you, but I don’t know what—”

“This isn’t about that—”

He knew you well enough to know that you practically meant the opposite the way you said that and it only worried him further.

“If I ask Leia and she tells me what the mission is, am I still going to think this isn’t about that?” He cut you off, forcing his voice to dip into a level of authority and sternness he typically reserved for his cadets or strategy meetings. He didn’t like it, you didn’t like it, but it got you to stop fighting back.

You crossed your arms over your chest and leaned back against the desk, but you were done fighting him.

“She had some questions about Bracca.” You let slip quietly from your lips as your stare found the ground.

Poe took a step forward carefully, “Bracca?”

“She needed some intelligence for a mission, it’s not a big deal.” You shook your head and shrugged your shoulders, putting your front back up even as he took another step closer, close enough to see straight through it.

“Babe, you’re not sleeping and you’re having bad nightmares again, it’s a big deal.”

“Poe—”

“Go on call for the night and come home. Talk to me…” He urged, taking a final step closer.

And this time, you couldn’t say no.

He didn’t understand yet. He just wanted to help and you finally wanted to let him.

—

tags: open for story and the whole how wonderful series

@itsamedeemoney @mandoren @mistermiraclee

[2021ssajka]

This month has been very challenging for me. (personal post below, you can read it)

From having plans to go back to the Philippines, to cancelling that plans all together. I initially wanted to go to the PH because I wanted this to be my gift for myself as I am graduating with 2 majors. I wanted to visit my family there and spend time with them, as well as my dad (sick). 

My dad and I dont have the best relationship, so it has been even more challenging for me. 

Ive been in America for 10 years now and this whole time Ive always wanted to go back and be with my family there since I love them very much and they are a big part of my life. Ive always imagined a nice vacation and going on trips with my cousins. Painting in my little terrace of my childhood home. basically reliving my old life when I was 12. I still kept that dream till now.

I am only now realizing that, that perception of the Philippines I had in my head is still the vision I had when I was 12. I am realizing now that its a fantasy and not the reality. 

------

This planning process for the Philippines was super last minute and impulsive, given the pandemic and me finding out my dads condition is not getting better. I booked a flight right away without any plans whatsoever. I was hoping it would be a spontaneous time where my family would bring me around to places and etc. I was even just fine with just staying home and just being in the company of my cousins that I missed so much. 

Everyday since I booked that flight, there were complications and drama rising. My dad has becoming paranoid and his narcissistic ways are coming back and has been triggering me. We have been fighting a lot since then which turned into getting more people involved with this fight. Resulted with me having a major panic attack and meltdown that I do not want to go at all. 

All the bad memories I had of him in my childhood came back. Everything was coming back to me- everything that I have burned at the back of my head and forgot about. I thought time has healed me but I was wrong. my past trauma came back and I felt like I was stuck into this trip without knowing what I signed up for.

I was not okay for many days. I felt like I was a helpless child he were able to control, manipulate and emotionally/mentally abuse again. I kept praying.

It was then that the Philippines announced that there were implying a travel ban on the day I booked a flight. I felt that this was God’s interfering in order to protect me from him

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This has been an eye opening experience for me. 

Growing up in a traumatic household and moving to another country made me deal with things differently. I realized that me being overly positive and optimistic and being grateful for everything is a trauma response. Its a survival response. 

At a young age, My body did not know how to process these traumatic events and emotions so I shutdown. Its like when you have an accident and your body go on emergency mode and you wont feel the pain. I think that is what my body went through. I remember a time when I was a kid and I was numb for a year. It was through art when I tried healing myself and holding on for hope. 

for a long time- till now, everytime those events in my childhood are being talked about, i literally have a panic attack and I shut down. I cannot listen to it or talk about it without crying. 

When I moved here. I started a new life. I had a clean slate and I tried to forget everything bad that has happened. Its like I cleared out all the bad memories and held onto the good things, thats why I had such a fixation in my childhood in the Philippines because after a while, I only believed that I had a good childhood there. (i didnt have a right grasp of my real past). This also explains the reason why I wanted to visit that place so bad- bc i can only remember the good things, and I had a breakdown when my bad past caught up to me because that no longer existed in my head. 

This explains my fixation in my memories of the Philippines in my art work and why I use happy colors. I only saw that place as the “good place” when in reality there are many bad things happening in that country (not only in my personal life). 

ive only realized these things now... 10 years later when everything came back to me as flashbacks when my trauma was triggered. and it explains everything in my life especially in my artworks. it explains why I do what I do and I have such empathy for myself because I realize that the artist in me is the kid in me 10 years ago. 

-----

I realized that when I moved here, I viewed the Philippines as my ESCAPE. my safe haven, the place I would want to go back to and retire to since this was my home at the age of 14. I had such yearning for that familiarity when I was living in a foreign place that I developed such fantasy in that place.

I started painting when I was dealing through traumatic events in the Philippines, just when I was about to move here. I used to paint encouraging words in my art, having it as my sense of hope in those challenging times. 

I guess that still lives on in my today. I still use my art as my sense of escape and I am only realizing that now. I have always mentioned that these landscapes are my “safe haven” and now I understand why. Ive always referred to my art as a “healing act” but i never really understood why. 

I realized that my view of the Philippines is different from reality. I made this to be a romanticized place where I had a nice childhood in but that was not the whole story. 

------

This is why it is so hard for me to reference anything negative in my work. Ive always used my art as a positive act, to bring hope and encouragement. I still stand with that. I still resonate with my work and it is still valid. but now I see my work as two sided. Its not only that narrative but also the past that I have forgotten about. 

I have always had trouble with my art classes because teachers would always push me to do negative emotions in my work- so not just positive but also the negative aspect of the full spectrum of emotions.

This has always been a difficult task for me because I dont want that. My body rejects it. I used art to heal and they would want me to express the nasty emotions here. now I understand why I react that way. 

My mother is also a trauma survivor of my dad. So her, my sister and I share these experiences together. This also comes from an immigrant narrative who had nothing on her back when she came to this country, literally building herself up from dirt. My mom is the one who would always teach me to be grateful, to appreciate what we have and to be positive- to the point that thats all I did. to the point that it buried all the negative emotions and memories that I was not able to heal completely and is now still in that place. 

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its a lot. its like I just found out a different past that I never knew of. but im so glad I figured this out now. Its like I finally have an explanation why I am who I am today. Everything is valid, there is a reason why dealt with that problem that way and I dont regret it. 

Im just so glad I finally have answers. It just explains so much and im mindblown lol

I am not comfortable having this as a narrative of my work even if it is probably the main influence of the work i do. Im also not comfortable of talking about this personal story with other people and in my work. 

I just refuse being an abuse survivor as my story... I am more than what I have been through... so im trying to figure that out.

I am now trying to know myself again, my full self. 

Im excited to see how this changes my work hehe

[shima-draws]

Have y’all ever had such a bad movie experience that you can never watch it again? When I saw Rango in theaters with a friend it was actually a date and it traumatized me bc he clearly just wanted a girlfriend (he even admitted later that there was someone else in our friend group he liked and was using me to get her to notice and possibly get jealous like that’s a huge dick move. Anyway.) so he was horribly flirting with me the entire time and I was trying to brush it off and let him down gently because I was maybe 13 at the time and NOT ready for a relationship, I barely remember that movie because I was sitting there sweating bullets the whole time since I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but I didn’t want him to try to start anything either. And to make things even worse it was super awkward on the way home (his mom drove us back) and she yelled at me for not being considerate enough towards him and I’m like “Bitch shut the fuck up you have no idea what I’ve just been through?” So yeah it was the shittiest date I’ve ever been on and even reliving it now makes me shudder

Anwyay that’s the story of how I was traumatized by Rango and why I’ll never ever watch that film ever again because it will only remind me of this particular incident

[durifmdarchived]

guess who’s back,, back again. ah yes, it is, once again, anthony! i decided that i really needed to revive my entire smol son, duri. just this time around, he’s older, and in the form of one of the lomls, choi minho! oh and also now the main vocalist 1 of knight (because c’mon, my ass is so in love with exo like when i was still high after my colonoscopy on friday, i told my family i was gonna go home and listen to exo,, so now we know who fully owns my entire ass.)  anyways ! we’re going to move on from that and get right until it! here is duri’s biography, profile, and plots! 

just a friendly reminder that under the cut, there will be mentions of post-traumatic stress disorder, car accident, parental death, and anxiety! any bullet point that deals with any four of these topics will have the tw at the beginning! 

duri was born on december 25th 1990 to two young college students, oh jangmi & park seah, in incheon, south korea. even though they did something rather irresponsible, the two of them were still very responsible and were going to work so hard on taking care of little duri. 

he spent a lot of time with grandparents since the both of his parents will still college students and they wanted his parents to be able to get their degrees. which of course, the two would later do; seah in business and jangmi in pharmacy. 

 when he was three years of age, his parents wed in a beautiful spring ceremony. there’s a bunch of pictures of him looking cute as heck at the wedding. but, he doesn’t really remember it, he only has the pictures. 

he was honestly... the cutest little child who was just so happy and energetic, always respectable of people. he would easily melt your heart honestly.

TW: CAR ACCIDENT & PARENTAL DEATH; when he was five years old, his life took a turn for the complete worst. one spring morning, when the remaining of winter was still hanging on, and on his way to school; himself and his family would be involved in a car accident. his mother died instantly with the impact, while his father died sometime after. duri would later wake up in hospital; remembering every detail that happened with the car accident, as well as remembering his family members, but his memories before than would sit as a blur in his mind,  and he would be haunted by this accident for the rest of his life, most likely.

was sent to live with his uncle, minho, and his aunt, taekjo, in seoul. they own a really popular cafe and it’s literally come to age a lot; i’m thinking they live and work somewhere in itaewon. the two took really good care of duri, as if he was their very own son (minho and taekjo couldn’t have any children because taekjo is unable to bare children) basically he was born through their hearts. they taught him happiness, the wonders of the world, and everything else in between.

he really only considers incheon his birth place and not really a hometown due to the bad memories that linger there. he considers seoul to be his hometown due to living in seoul the longest and stuff like that. 

TW: POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER; he really started suffering from post traumatic stress disorder; he would often relive the car accident in his sleep and he’d wake up basically screaming, then would cry once he came back to reality. he would also panic if something would accidentally smash in the cafe and no one really understood what was going on. but, minho had looked for answers and finally came up with what matched duri’s symptoms. he would later attend counseling. his dreams were never the same, they’d follow the same general thing, but something about it was always different, which is why duri can’t remember the accident fully. 

he found and interest and solace in music; which was something that later became a love and something that he wanted to do for a career. he would take singing lessons before going on to learn guitar and piano as well. he would partake in the café’s open mic nights for something fun to do. 

even though he had all this interest in music; he didn’t have an interest in auditioning for entertainment companies yet. he didn’t feel like he was ready, he wanted to take care of himself fully, focus on his studies, and studying music. even though minho & taekjo really thought he should audition, they respected his wishes. 

as high school rolled around, he attended seoul school of performing arts (sopa) where he basically focused on music and performing for his later use. he was pretty popular with people due to his happy and caring attitude as well as his skill level in music (ofc there were some jealous but w/e.) at showcases, he was always scouted by a load of entertainment companies but he always turned them down due to the reasons stated above. 

after graduating high school, duri decided that he was going to enlist in the military. he thought it would be better to do this, believing he’d finally be ready to chase after his dream once he did his enlistment. he would become a public servant due to the ptsd (but it wasn’t that bad, which was why they had allowed him to stay) and he’d even get to be in the military band, which he was really happy about. 

though, while he was in the military, he got bad again mental health wise due to the fact he wasn’t keeping him with his therapist and etc, so he started having his pervious issues once again. he thought it was just a phase that he’d get over but spoiler alert, it’s not. 

after graduating from military enlistment, he decided to finally audition for an entertainment company. bc entertainment was the first one to have auditions, so duri decided to go for that company; besides, he really liked both decipher and bee, so it just seemed like it would be the place for him. he auditioned without the knowledge of his uncle and aunt because he wanted to surprise them if he got in. 

so, he went to the open auditions, felt a little odd because he felt like the oldest person there among a bunch of teenagers and stuff. but anyways, he went over what he had to do in his head to himself as he waited, before his audition group would finally be called.

they all lined up in the room and went one by one, but the guy who was doing the auditions, was hella strict and kept stopping people and yelling out next. he would always give people a look of sympathy and told them they did well.  and before he knew it, it was his turn. 

he stepped up to where he had to be, before introducing himself, and proceeding to strum his guitar and singing decipher’s “replay.” the trainer finally stopped looking down and writing, looking up at duri and being memorized by his voice. duri was the only person to go for the full allowed time. after that, he was asked to dance and like he had no idea what to do?? so he just kind of.. busted out the moves to bee’s tell me and hoped for the best. it worked and he got the paper to go into the next room, where he would pass the audition completely, later going on to sign the trainee contract.

he wasn’t a trainee for very long (hoping i did the math correctly ajknfakkn but we’re going to pretend i did) basically he was almost immediately placed into the lineup of knight and his entire training was basically the nine months before debut that knight was known by the public. guess word got around about his voice, which was why he was there so quickly. i’m like 99% sure some people probably didn’t like duri for that sole reason that he was going to be debuting so quickly over some other trainees. 

duri is one of the members that are basically without scandal to be honest. though, he did have a small thing once where a large group of netizens were saying that he was faking his personality for the cameras that there is no one he’s so sweet, caring, and generally really happy all the time. but, it was shut down quickly by non-fans of knight whom had great experiences with duri, letting people know that he really is the way that he presents himself to the public. soon, netizens felt like duri was someone they could trust and someone who wasn’t going to cause problems like some of the other members (no shade i promise xx)

bc 100% pushes duri for his voice over everything else. he lost out on a lot of acting opportunities, since bc rejected all acting offers for him; only accepting the ost offers, basically. though, they did let him star in lipstick’s excuse me last year. otherwise, it’s just pushing him for his voice. while he doesn’t mind it since he does want a solo, he still feels like he’s easily missing out on acting opportunities. 

so personality wise, duri is a vv good person. he’s really nice and sweet without a mean bone in his body. he’s someone that people can really take advantage of because he has such a big heart and doesn’t really ever say no. he’s always happy and smiling; even though his mind is in pain. has fake maknae energy, one big ol’ puppy. the softest boy !! 

he’s also such a big brother like your his younger friend?? suddenly he’s like your big brother !! 

obviously member of knight’s hyung line !

he’s fluent in two languages korean (obviously his native language) and japanese. 

in his free time, he really likes reading books and watching movies/dramas. 

he so badly wants to move out of the knight dorm just so that he can get a dog(s). 

gg enthusiast (i mean he does really enjoy bgs too but he loves ggs ok !!) and also a vv big ariana grande fan. 

night sky enthusiast; has a connection to the stars due to a story his grandmother told him when he was younger. 

TW: paranoia / anxiety / claustrophobia;  he doesn’t drive because his paranoid about it & he always takes the stairs, never going in the elevator because he feels like it’s closing in on him and he starts to panic. 

this got really long and i think this is all i can say about duri ?? but anyways thanks for reading,, i love duri sm :(((

[internetslime]

shoutout to the one psychologist who I was referred to for a diagnosis of something that can be hard to diagnose (due to me not fitting the typical profile of the people used for most of the research/to write the diagnostic criteria) and whose interactions with me literally followed the behavior patterns of abusers.

Disrespectful - extremely late to my first session and then in my second session with her, she kept her next appointment waiting nearly an hour despite repeatedly saying "if we don't get through everything in an hour we'll just schedule another appointment". She kept texting / IMing other people throughout.

More disrespect - Repeatedly talked over me with inanities / non relevant things and wouldn't stop talking when i tried to steer the conversation back to the subject so I had to constantly shut up and just let her keep talking

Isolation from others - "I'm so glad you came to me, any other doctor would have traumatized you!" (spoiler alert: she extremely traumatized me bc I put my trust in her and she just trampled all over it)

Inappropriate disclosures - told me all about her personal diagnoses (there can be a time and place for therapist self-disclosure, but this was NOT it)

Gaslighting - She said I didn't fit the diagnostic criteria for the reason I was there, which was fine, but when I expressed disappointment in that because I genuinely think it's a reasonable explanation of why I am the way that I am / why I struggle with what I do, she was all "oh but you don't really want a simple answer, that wouldn't be satisfying to you. I'm just honoring your complexity!" um, no.

More gaslighting - "if you were in my office right now you'd be curled up on the couch with a blanket clutching a stuffed animal!!" um, no. I might be mildly distressed because I'm talking about difficult things, BUT if I were in her office and not in my own home, I would be far /less/ comfortable showing that distress. The whole "i know you better than you know yourself" deal? Nah uh.

Even more gaslighting - I have extreme medical anxiety and told her this, and explained some medical traumas that cause me to be v suspicious of medical professionals. She used this against me, essentially saying I was undiagnosable due to the amount of anxiety she perceived in me. Sure, my anxiety is high! I don't like doctors and you're asking me to relive a bunch of extremely unpleasant memories! I warned you about this from the start!

More isolation from others - telling me that I should only speak to ONE therapist who she recommended and anyone else would be bad for me.

General weirdness - she referred to her other patients as small animals and it took me halfway through an appointment to realize she was doing so, and not LITERALLY talking about her pets. It was both dehumanizing and infantilizing and it horrifies me to think that she might refer to me like that.

Ran a bunch of tests on me without telling me she was doing so (i.e. not just the tests that I was referred to her for). I'm fine with the idea of adding additional testing, but I want to be informed about what it is and why it's happening!

I did tell my regular therapist about this experience and she was like "what is this psych DOING" so I do have some validation that this psych was just. Not very good at her job. And I told someone else what it was like and he pointed out the abuse behaviors and everything kind of clicked into place.

But you know what? This psych who was terrible at her job has got me incredibly down on ever looking for a better person to diagnose me! I CANNOT go through the mental toll of that experience again. It took weeks to recover!

I think she was wrong about a whole lot of things, but I can't disagree with her or else I get labeled as "difficult" and "in denial" (and yes, you should be able to push back and disagree with your doctors, but considering this one has shown herself to be very much in the "i know you better than you know yourself" camp, I don't think it would get me anywhere with her, and would in fact only reinforce her beliefs about me).

Basically -- always listen to your gut when you're talking to a medical professional. If you get a bad vibe from them, HEED IT. There are a lot of bad doctors out there and anyone who positions themself as the only person who can help you is almost certainly lying.

Therapist Red Flags

Therapy is important and can be really helpful, but not all therapists are good at their job. Here’s a few things to look out for when you’re seeing a therapist:

Not listening to what you tell them

Ignoring confidentiality (except in emergencies)

Making you feel judged or ashamed

Ignoring or trivialising your needs

Consistently being late

Making fun of your needs / accomplishments

Being judgemental or critical of you

Not taking your feedback on sessions into account

Condescending facial expressions or body language

Ignoring what you want to do / accomplish in therapy

Talking too much about themselves

Making you feel like problems are all your fault

Being insensitive to your culture or religion

They’re making you feel bad about yourself

Using the phone or getting distracted during your sessions

Attempting to make romantic / sexual advances on you

Making you feel stupid or invalid for what you say or how you feel

Forgetting important details about you / your life

Pushing you too hard before you’re ready

You wondering if their behaviour is a red flag. If you’re looking it up then chances are you already feel uncomfortable in therapy. You should never be forced into seeing a therapist who makes you feel uneasy. There’s no shame in leaving and finding a different therapist.

[one-of-us-must-be-crazy]

For the “Send a character’s name to receive four different headcanons” thing... Samuels and Ripley of course!!

this is both long and bad so u were warned

Headcanon A:  realistic

Both of them were traumatized from what they’ve been through. Amanda in typical human fashion and Samuels in the way he’s become hyper sensitive to possible danger. His own well-being be damned, but this scared human is all he has, and he does recognize that he’s about all she has too; and efforts are made to act the role of security guard at night, for two weeks after they’ve found a mostly-permanent residence. Even after Amanda and he are intimate partners he still leaves her room to observe the rest of the flat; only returning to her if he hears her have a nightmare. For being so independent and alone, she’s now finding it hard to fall asleep without being held at least by the hand.

When she finally confronted him about this (and I wrote this whole thing as a fic at one point bc I’m not original enough to make a second realistic headcanon) and convinced him to at least try to stay with her, he found that her presence--alive and well and safe, right here--was calming too.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

Neither of them knew. How could they? The pleasure models were brainless, and only programmed to react, unable to feel emotions or physical sensations. They’re behavior was binary, not whatever amorphous galaxy of a mess his internal workings had become. Typical models didn’t engage in such activities, and if they did, they and their operators kept it quiet.

There wasn’t even enough on synthetics yet for it to be considered a kink, it was just....taboo. Unseemly. Not something to mention or think on or theorize, let alone take pride in; not in the way that Ripley was still smiling down at him, beaming, proud, smug, content, loving all at once.

“......I-I don’t...That....that was not--Amanda did that just--”

“Did it feel nice? Bad?”

“........Initial scans show no internal errors but for a moment there was so much white noise and data and sensory---........I have nothing to compare that to. Amy what,” he has a vague sense that he can control his limbs now, after their tenseness had faded he didn’t even know if he could move them; and gently yet firmly held her hips in place when she started to slowly move on him. “Amy what the hell just happened?”

“Most likely orgasm, possibly system failure. Maybe both? Run a deeper systems diagnostics, and if nothing’s broken , I want to try that again.”

“I thought I died.”

“But you didn’t.”

“I thought I did.”

“Was it nice?”

“I’m---! .......I mean. It wasn’t unpleasant. Only. I don’t. It was. Ah.”

‘I said it at the start, we don’t ever have to do this again if you don’t like it.”

“NO!”

“Hmm?”

“...................................................iwanttodoitagain. please.”

at this point Ripley starts choking on apologies becuase she’s laughing to hard to formulate a real response.

Okay so that wasn’t really not realistic becuase as I said before. Their lives are both garbage and the very least (THE. VERY. LEAST.) the universe owes the poor sap is to be able to enjoy whatever they get up to.

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

Samuels outlives her, naturally. He knew he would, they both did, but it didn’t help, and the longer he put off ever contemplating the inevitable the more Ripley got nearly angry with him. Find someone else, someone younger, move on; those were her mantra of orders and even though she didn’t want to witness him falling in love again, she thought it’d be easier to die knowing that he wouldn’t be alone.

Amanda also knew, somehow, that he was being honest when he told her absolutely not. It was unrealistic she’d argue over and over, no matter how much you loved someone, they die, you fall in love again, people do it all the time. And there’d be a short moment of worry turned to confusion then I’m not a person, luv. 

It isn’t so bad either, not at first, when he indulges in week-long shut-downs, reliving days of memory play-back at a time; waking only to tend to their home and when he can be bothered, his own vitals. The pain is so strong during those moments that it’s almost numbing. But it can’t last forever, and whether its age, or pain, or too little use, he can sense the corrosion, decay of his abilities. Motion, speech, emotions, physical sensations all wear off, and he dedicates whatever power he has left to memory, begging whatever could possibly listen to a synthetic that Amanda, who never really believed in anything, prayed on her deathbed that he had enough of a soul to join her in wherever she was going. 

I just made myself even MORE depressed than i was already today and let me tell you that’s not an easy thing to do. Great.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

[COMING TOMORROW BC ITS HELLA LATE WHERE I’M AT RIGHT NOW]