#the world is full of horrible people
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It doesn't get easier
Just harder
Every.
Single.
Day.
#I don't want to be here#I hate my job#i hate where i live#i have no control#the world is full of horrible people
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I'm curious, how would your Suns design look during more serious situations, such as one of the Spearmaster broadcasts?
something like this
and now for a (slightly long) addendum: i know i depict SRS as jokey and kooky, but when it comes to not shitposting and actual characterization, i have Thoughts and Feelings about them. the entire story, they just want to do what they hope will help the people around them, even though it all ends up horribly, HORRIBLY wrong. that's tragic, and it has my interest. considering the heaviness (and intrigue) of SRS’s storyline, for me to only ever depict them as a goofball be way too shallow of me, and unfaithful to their canon characterization.
so to answer your question: they hold themselves together, of course, but the shame, regret, and embarrassment is still evident.
#i dont wanna get my characterization of srs from other peoples headcanons#but im admittedly a little too preoccupied to sit down and meticulously comb through their dialogue to see what each sentence reveals#my srs personality is usable but its not as detailed and tailored as id like it to be yknow#cause. just. MAN i really need to sit down and obsessively pore over those broadcasts and pearls sometime okay#also not saying that looking at other headcanons is bad. it set me straight way back when on a couple of my own minorly dogshit ones i had-#-when i didnt have a full grasp of the story#but i also just want to come to my own conclusions on srs#UGH. rain world is so good. the horrible events that happen dont happen because of some big bad shallow villain#but just people making bad decisions sometimes. because of concern. because of desperation. because of love. which happens with people.#auuuugh#my art#ask#rainworld#wait why has this been sitting in my drafts for over a week? be free my child. ill schedule this to post in an hour or something
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could you imagine how good spirit animals would be if it wasn't written as a children's series
#thats the country that is bad and full of bad people that deserve to be mistreated and suffer a horrible disease that is easily curable -#- that the rest of the world has access to because a long time ago they started a war#i feel like bc they were kids books they couldnt really touch on the horrors of war#or how vile The Many were#it could also explore the greencloaks more in the way that they werent good guys. in the slightest#it would have so much more nuance#GOD IMAGINE IMAGINE IMAGINE#IT COULD BE SO SO SO GOOD#i need someone to write the books in a grittier way.#i mean obviously they touched on the fact that these kids were fighting in wars at 11 years old#and that stetriol was justified in rising up#and shane is already a really complex character but we never really got to see the like super gritty side only glimpses in the book of shan#spirit animals books#spirit animals series#and the fucking bile???? thats a terrifying concept that didnt get treated as seriously as it shouldve i think#especially how the fact it can turn regular animals into brutish killing machines was mentioned only once or twice#the amount of proper angst you can explore in the main four as well holy shit
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Ok so. I just saw a Reddit comment (idk why I get on reddit fandom cause it always ends up making me mad) saying that the Alastor and Husk scene was probably the first time Alastor was that violent towards Husk because of him talking back to Al in the first place.
Aka, Alastor isn't abusive to Husk, except for that one time. And ISTG that comment made me want to crawl into the darkest pit of hell (ha, get it?).
SO, let's explain why Alastor's treatment of Husk isn't a one time thing.
Husk and abuse: a character analysis.
First of all, let's explain Husk's personality and why he acts the way he does.
Husk's character is presented to us as a grumpy old alcoholic who only wants people to leave him the fuck alone. He doesn't care about the hotel, about any of its members, or about Alastor's plans. He doesn't want to collaborate, he doesn't want to be there, and he doesn't care enough to act as though he does.
But, reality is:
Husk cares. Way more than he wishes he did.
He doesn't show it often, but he cares. He shows it when he calls Sir Pentious, Charlie, Vaggie and Angel out at the beginning of Masquerade, and ofc, he shows it with Angel throughout this whole chapter.
(I find the heart motif on Husk's demon form to be very interesting, actually. I like to think that one of the things Husk hates the most about himself is that, as much as he wants to fake otherwise, as much as he sees it as a weakness, as much as it just complicates everything, he cares. And death taunts him with that, displaying for everyone to see the heart he so desperately wants to hide.)
Also, Husk is very good at reading people. He hates fakeness, he hates lies, he hates people being dense because they're trying to ignore a reality about themselves.
All of these things get on his nerves enough to show that he, in fact, cares.
And he sure as fuck loves (maybe a bit too much) winning an argument against someone who's pissing him off.
So, let's go to Alastor.
A while ago I saw an amazing post (that now i cant find aaaa if someone finds it pls let me know) that talked about how this isn't the expression of someone who's just been beaten at poker, but it's an expression of sadness and betrayal.
This post implied, therefore, that Husk and Alastor had built a previous relationship of trust before the betrayal, either platonic or romantic (which had been just manipulation from Alastor's side, just like he's now doing with Charlie)
If we take this into account, it makes more sense why Husk would care about Mimzy being trouble. Not only for the safety of the rest at the hotel, but also just a tiny little bit, for Alastor's own safety.
Don't get me wrong, I'm very sure that Husk hates Alastor, but there's this tiny, annoying part of him that can't help but care.
So, let's cut to the infamous scene.
Husk didn't confront Alastor because he had never been violent towards him before. Husk confronted Alastor because he cares, and because people being stupid gets on his nerves, and because he finds it hard to hold back when he knows he's right.
Also, it had been 7 years since he had seen Alastor. It's normal that he's gained more confidence to confront him.
AND, despite all of this, he was reluctant in the beggining.
In the first screenshot, Husk gets visibly angry at Alastor because of his dismissive attitude while his back is turned at him. But when Husk speaks again, you can see him visibly holding back, choosing his words carefully with that "I mean".
(Go rewatch the scene if you wanna, it's way more clear that way than via screenshots ksdldf)
Compare this to the much more accusatory way Husk was calling out Chaggie, Sir Pentious and Angel in back chapter 4. Husk is being careful with Alastor.
Despite all we know about Husk's personality that leads him to warn Alastor about Mimzy in the first place, Husk still holds all of that back.
Why? Cause he knows better than to say something that might anger him.
It's only when Alastor touches Husk and calls him his pet that Husk loses his temper.
As we know, Husk has VERY strong personal boundaries (probably some of them come from Alastor's touch itself)
Alastor trespassing his boundaries is what makes Husk stop thinking logically. He's pissed, and he hates Alastor, and he hates how he makes him feel so powerless, so insignificant, like less of a human.
And he bites back.
The comment I saw implied that Husk said the "big talk for someone who's also on a leash" because he thought it wouldn't have any major effect on Alastor, and he unknowingly touched a touchy subject.
But this is even slightly out of character for Husk. He didn't say it because he didn't think it would make Alastor mad, he said it because he knew it would make him mad.
Husk is fucking amazing at reading people. He knew it was a touchy subject. He wasn't thinking about consequences, he was thinking about pissing Alastor off, about regaining control.
(He's a gambler, cmon. Searching for control and power without minding the consequences is his thing.)
This is NOT a "what the fuck is he doing?" face. It's an "oh no, not again" face.
And immediately, he tries to take it back. The rush of making Alastor mad passes away the moment he pulls out the chain, and Husk knows what's coming.
Alastor has done that before. Judging by Husk's body language, there's NO way on earth he hasn't.
One VERY important thing to take into account is: victims have personalities.
Of course, victims tend to have unifying factors in their trauma responses due to similar experiences, but overall: a victim isn't an archetype, it's a person.
There are different types of abuse. Everyone reacts differently towards abuse.
Saying that Husk isn't being abused by Alastor just because he talks back is. Well. Kinda weird, isn't it?
(Maybe I'm exaggerating but doesn't it sound like victim blaming a bit??)
The important thing is that this is how Valentino and Alastor treat Angel and Husk:
Yes, they are different types of abuse. Yes, Angel and Husk's reactions to it are different.
But this doesn't make one kind less valid than the other. And just because Alastor isn't sexually abusive to Husk, that doesn't mean Husk's abuse is "less important" (this isn't a competition, ffs)
Husk's personality, Husk's hatred of stupidity, Husk's reactive nature, Husk's strong boundaries, don't automatically disappear when he's talking with his abuser. He's still Husk.
And yet, we can still see the signs of abuse, such as Husk holding back at the beginning because he knows what Alastor may do if he's mad, or him flinching away slightly when Alastor turns suddenly to look at him, or him trying to take back what he just said immediately because he's scared of the consequences.
And, let's be serious. Alastor is a serial killer. He enjoys watching people suffer. He enjoys knowing that people fear him.
And, since he's on a "leash", as Husk said, I'm very sure this hurts his ego a whole lot. So, it makes sense that he loves feeling that he has control over the souls he owns, that they fear him, to forget he's not completely free himself.
It's not so far fetched to assume that Alastor gets a quick and an ego boost out of seeing Husk like that, terrified and shivering on the ground. So I don't believe he hasn't done it before.
(And I mean, even if this only happened the one time we see it in the show, it would still be abusive?? It would be Alastor using his power to physically and psychologically torment Husk, which is abuse, even if it's only once ((which i highly doubt)))
In conclusion: Alastor is an abuser. There's no way around it. And Husk is a victim of abuse.
Sorry this got long SLKDS
Tbh I think everything I said here is pretty obvious?? Like to me that scene always read as a way of the show telling us Alastor's true colors once no one's watching, and the way he treats Husk. Like, it didn't even cross my mind that it might have been an isolated occurrence.
But the comment had around 50 upvotes so?? Idk I just wanted to rant about this lmao
#its hard being a husk girly in a world full of alastor apologist#btw this is NOT trying to beef at all with alastor fans#i think he's an amazing character and he's hilarious#but GUYS. he is NOT a good person ffs#theres a very big different between characters like husk angel cherry sir pentious (who make mistakes and arent saints but who care deeply)#and characters like valentino and alastor (straight up abusive psycopaths)#and im not saying that y'all cant like any of the characters#they're AMAZING characters and vilians#but ignoring the fact that they're horrible and irredimable people is very yikes#(also im aware that husk was an overlord and he probably did some fucked up shit)#(and maybe im biased but i REALLY doubt that a guy who gets on a fight with a group of dudes bc they spiked the drink of a guy who's been-#-nothing to him but a nuisance could ever be as bad as alastor or val)#(he was probably like carmilla ig)#(not moral at all but not irredimable either)#ANYWAYSSS im ranting again#tw abuse#abuse tw#tw sa#sa tw#tw sa mention#sa mention tw#husk hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel husk#husker#hazbin husk#husk#alastor#alastor hazbin hotel#alastor the radio demon#alastor hazbin
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This year's r/place really fucking sucked, terribly run and an obvious(failed) distraction, but we did get some nice stuff done
Another bench! 45 communities! Here's the fully planned piece, Quote sadly got added last minute and wasn't visible before blackout.
Full character list below the cut.
Batter from OFF, Beheaded from Dead Cells, Ori from Ori and the blind forest, Bugs from APICO above Ori, Moon from Outer Wilds next to bugs, Purple guy from FnAF, Mae from Night in the woods, Omori from Omori, Commando from Risk of Rain, Madeline from Celeste above Commando, Engi, Bosco and Lootbug from Deep Rock Galactic, Soul Knight logo below Engi, Tiny Niko on top of Bosco, Sprite Companion from Hyperlight Drifter next to Tiny Niko, Isaac from Binding of Isaac, Chompy from Bug Fables underneath Isaac, Engineer from Factorio, Strabby on Engineer's shoulder, a penguin from Starbound, Junimo from Stardew Valley, Oneshot bulb above Stardew Valley's apple, A router from Mindustry, Keg from sea of thieves, Lamb from Cult of the Lamb sitting on the keg, Monika from DDLC above Lamb, Fishbowl from FSSH, Spooky from Spooky's Jumpscare Mansion, Whiteface and flower from IMSCARED above Spooky, V1 from Ultrakill, The Conductor from Final Station in front of V1's legs, Moth from Sky: Children of the Light above V1, Apollo from Ace Attorney bottom right of V1, Gnome from Everhood, Rivulet on Looks to the Moon from Rain World, Gail from Phoenotopia above Rivulet, Captain Viridian from VVVVVV above Gail, Flowey from Undertale below Looks to the Moon, Grimm from Hollow Knight, Paprika from Them's Fighting Herds above Grimm, Deltarune red heart above Strabby, King Slime in front of Grimm, The Spiral Heart from Grime next to Grimm, Carp from Lisa, Richard Mask from Hotline Miami above The Spiral Heart
#despite being horribly stressful there was also a lot of fun#shoutout to purple guy batter and richard for just appearing out of the ether#and the fssh people for successfully gaslighting everyone afterward about whether the game actually existed#and that one streamer who got so fucking mad that he couldn't successfully take over our spot#we had people saying the bench might be full at 16 characters and I think that got taken as a challenge#it went a whole DAY longer than it was supposed to and we all got burned out lmao#I coordinated this thing and was dreaming about bench negotiations the night after#conclusion reddit is a terrible place but the indie game people remain cool#sigh. tagwall time.#r/place#ultrakill#hollow knight#rain world#off#ori#dead cells#apico#night in the woods#omori#risk of rain#deep rock galactic#cult of the lamb#oneshot#spooky's jumpscare mansion#stardew valley#sky children of the light#bugsnax#hotline miami#grime game what is yalls tag#everhood
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*Steeples fingers together* The peer review process is important, its good, it means that your biases dont get past first draft stage. Having said that it did hit me with the psychic blast of "Oh shit thats actually worst, you know thats worst right?"
#Thinking of something guided by stars (i think) said on the theory post#which was that the whole timeline restart didnt seem plausible (paraphrased) which if it isnt what happened well...#Uh... Then its gonna get weird in the world that ISAT is in tbh#Because its all one timeline. That one is fact. But um. SAAP has very different cultural notes for Vaugarde and the party is also different#So... if its all the same timeline but only the places affected by the timecraft are impacted with the reset....#I dont think Odile's family is going to be the exact same as she remembered?#or the people who evacuated from Vaugarde before the curse was fully placed on everything?#Cause it is the truth that this is a different Timeline than what Loop had to deal with#but its one timeline... ;;;; Im kind of;;; worried about the implications here ;;;;#(Also no I dont think Loop went into a different Siffrin's timeline or universe or anything like that. Its the same timeline. LIKE.)#So many thoughts... hwo would they connect#but yeah I still do think for everyone involved its better if it was a full timeline reset#ALSO FUCKING. IF THE OUTSIDE WORLD WASN'T EFFECTED and THE TIMELINE WASNT A FULL RESET#BUT SAAP STILL HAPPENED. THEN HOW LONG WAS VAUGARDE LOOPING?#are they gonna pop out missing like 6 years or something depending on how long Loop and Siffrin were looping??? What the fuck#MANY THOUGHTS. MANY EMOTIONS. THE IMPLICATIONS?? HORRIBLE
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life is cruel.
it's tragic, horrific, and unfair. it gives us the worst of things, causes us to feel and experience things that are so unspeakably painful that sometimes I can't even. I can't even.
and it seems even more cruel in those moments of pain and grief and loss when you see something beautiful, like fall colors, or the color of the sky at sunset, or how the holidays typically are meant to bring joy to people but all you can think about now is that every year when this time of year comes, you'll just think about how tragic it is.
and cruel.
and horrific.
and unfair.
and beautiful.
#grief#grief tw#so i'm dealing with grief intimately for the first time like. ever. and i'm having a lot of emotions#and i can't help but observe that the way i write it in fic feels. kinda like how i feel right now? in some ways?#but also like. everyone goes through it differently and there's no like correct way to process#for me i'm. okay most of the time when i have a lot of stuff to do#which is like 90% of the time#but i'm also just feeling a lot of things and trying to figure out how to move forward#especially with the knowledge that life is short and cruel and you just never know what might happen#and i can't just not do the things i truly want to do with my life because i'm SCARED#because. you never know what might happen#you never know when the end is gonna come#anyways i drove back to my apartment today and i saw beautiful fall colors on the way#and all i can think is ''how can the world be so beautiful and so horrible at the same time''#''so beautiful and so fucking CRUEL at the same time''#''and to the people who least deserve its cruelty''#anyways that's where i'm at ig#still got two classes moving and a full time job to do while all of this is happening 🙃#all things considered. i'm okay. not great but i'm doing my best#really in my post tpm obi-wan era except to a lesser degree#but i certainly have a LOT of responsibilities to deal with along with my grief so. yeah.
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literally so bummed out I might cry
#I know this isn't a normal reaction at all#sigh#personal#feeling left out all the time is so exhausting it's so frustrating it's so fucking sad#it's the feeling that you're never really welcome#the internet gives you acess to things but up till a certain point#you never get the full experience you never have the same fun#you're not even just a number you're a number no one cares about that much so you're not included#sorry guys just feeling ugh#I hope someone out there gets it and feels seen by this#there is a chance it might get me hate instead but yk I kinda welcome it instead of this feeling#I wish I could ever feel truly a part of the phandom but it's times like these that I see we never will be#which is one of the biggest reasons I left during II era it was just a horribl#e feeling seeing them go on tour after tour and knowing the videos got neglected and all that mattered were people who could go#aka not most of the world#I don't think I ever managed not to be bitter towards any of their tours tbh#it just sucks#to everyone else who doesn't get to go
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family members hear you peacefully doing something in the kitchen by yourself and HAVE to come bother you
#jesus christ#i need to move back out now im going to attack someone#people bothering me in the kitchen full on the thing that annoys me the most in this world#awful horrible i want to break a window with my head
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My eldest dog just died. She was very old for her breed and lived a full, happy life but it still really hurts to lose her and during this period where I'm not speaking to my dad it's even worse. I'm so miserable rn.
#personal#tw animal death#the other two dogs in my parents' house are also old so they probably aren't far behind#I haven't spoken to my dad since March and according to my sister he's still misinterpreting everything I said#and making me out to be a horrible villain that hurt him just because#and we're always out of money#and the world is a flaming crapheap full of people who won't stop bombing each other or tring to destroy the environment for profit#I am trying so so hard to be positive but holy shit
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Genuinely need a break from this arc real quick why does One Piece delve so deep into the ethics of war this arc, like holy shit I'm gonna fucking die
#so much emotional shit been happening during the marineford arc im gonna come out of this feeling like a jaded war soldier#seeing coby having a downright full-on panic attack while bodies fall to the ground around him?? isnt this kid like 15-17#and literally any scene where some shit happens to luffy is absolutely mortifying in nature ever since drum island#one piece sets itself up like ''lol look at these pirate friends getting into hijinks and saving each other and conquering the world!''#but then shit gets crazy every time#i can no longer in good conscience recommend this without warning people abt how scary it gets sometimes#i feel like the first taste comes during arlong park where we see nami repeatedly stabbing herself#then with us seeing zoro's wound stapled shut and bleeding like a motherfucker as he still tries to fight#because they couldn't get professional medical help even if they probably saw his fucking guts and ribcage#but shit just keeps getting more terrifying every arc#alabasta? civil war. we see the princess of her country screaming her lungs out in vain for her people to stop fighting#sky island? mass genocide. for funsies. by a man so hopped up on delusions and apathy he thinks it's funny#water 7? we see the downfall of ohara and robin trying to Fucking Commit Suicide because she finally found ppl who like her#thriller bark--THRILLER BARK SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.#seeing brook's crew sing together one last time as they all progressively drop dead one by one until only one is left#and the utter terror as we see zoro standing surrounded by his own blood in a 20 foot radius around him#impel down we see the horrors of the world government and how they treat their prisoners with layers of hell#and marineford we see a war even worse than that which we saw in alabasta#horrible horrible shit
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does it ever happen to you that suddenly a taylor lyric or song you hadn’t given that much thought to suddenly HITS you? because it’s almost 2am and out of nowhere i feel like crying because of the lyric “when they found a better planet only the gentle survived”…
#taylor swift#.txt#that was my fantasy (and still is) when i was in school… just a place full of nice people where you didn’t feel horrible everyday#just imagine this perfect world where we were all nice to each other… life would be so much more beautiful#but alas it’s just a fantasy
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Spending hours trying to figure out why I feel so irritable and sensitive today and I’m only realizing now it might have something to do w being invited to a birthday party full of an entire family I’ve never met and like seven very small children and the person inviting me assuming I would love that. I want to support her bc I like her and she’s family now, but I cannot---I will not---go to another family event and be pushed into the kitchen doing dishes with the women or cooing over someone’s baby who just stares at me and whines when I try to mask and say hello.
#my period ended so it ain't that.#maybe i'm a horrible person. i just want to be left alone for seven solid days. and i certainly do not want to be forced-#-to interact with children. they scare me. real bad.#maybe this also has something to do with my readings for this week and the fact that we're going to be discussing 'womanhood'.#like the subject is 'what IS a woman to you?' and i am not really looking forward to listening to 15 cis girls tell me-#-how awful it is and how much pain they themselves endured while entirely not acknowledging the existence of trans women#or gnc women.#why am i so irritable jfc.#every time i talk like this to my partner they give me that look lol. the look that's like 'uh huh. i know a trans person when i see one.'#and i'm like shhhhhhh. no. don't say that. shhhh. i don't want to be. i hate myself okay and my family scared me out of it.#wish i could fucking shapeshift. wish i was just fucking born with a dick and a flat chest. actually i wish i was two people.#so i could decide from day-to-day and not have to worry about irreversible changes.#how much of my alleged transness is just internalized misogyny? <- this is a question i ask very very quietly to myself#because i think it's what my mother thinks. and most of the world.#how do i learn to be comfortable AS a masculine woman? i have no one to look up to who can teach me or show me it's okay.#i have transmasc friends who are elated to go on T. i'm scared that they will make me want to do it again. why tf am i scared of that...#irreversible changes. society. literally everything. fucking hell............#no one talks about this particular experience of gender. no one talks about the in-between and the immense fear. at least no one to me.#why am i even taking gender studies in university if every class is full of cis women who don't even know the terminology of transness#or of gender-expansiveness...#i think i've become a very sour person in the last few years.#need to vent through writing or something. like through fanfiction.
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#it's me#twitch.txt#tw vent#i hate that we'd still take them back if they wanted us#i hate that we miss being vulnerable and showing real emotions around them. around anyone#i hate that i know it's never fucking happening#i wish we'd never known how it felt to be wanted. even if that meant i would never exist#because i'm only here to feel angry. i'm only here to feel angry to hide fear and hurt because we're all still fucking scared#and they feel. fine.#i wish i'd known how it felt to be loved by them#because the people i care about are mourning what they had still 6 nearly 7 months later#i wish i could mourn instead of just being angry#i hate that we still want them in some way. i hate that we miss having them#i hate that there are things to miss. i hate that we can't just be angry. that we can't go full scorched earth and fucking#block them on everything. remove them from all of the servers we can and leave the ones we can't. pretend they never existed#i hate that we're a fucking coward. that we're hoping something horrible will happen so we'll feel like there's an excuse to leave#and i hate that that's only the second best option I HATE THAT WE STILL FUCKING WANT THEM god damn it#i hate that there was any history between us#i hate that i exist. a world where i don't exist is a world where we didn't have to hide#i hate that we wish we could be vulnerable around them and i hate knowing that it would take monumentous effort to get there#and i hate knowing that we'll never get that chance#i hate knowing that our fucking wildest fantasies of them wanting us like that again are impossible. i hate not being able to hope#i hate not being able to hope and yet still wanting it anyway#i hate that we're a coward#i hate the fucking december curse and the four year curse and the fact we know we'll lose it all no matter what we try#i hate knowing that what we want doesn't fucking matter because nothing we want could possibly last for long#i hate not being able to let my guard down#i hate that we can't get comfort#i hate that we have to hide that we're still hurting and scared when they feel fucking fine#i hate that we feel so out of place. that we feel like we're constantly on our back foot around them. that we have no sense of control
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#having a day full of mixed feelings#I suppose this is how life goes#I'm officially done with my Bachelor's degree as of today#obviously I'm proud of myself for the accomplishment and I was excited to be celebrated today#it was a long and difficult road and there were many times where I didn't think I'd live to see it through but I made it#I'm the first person in my family to get this degree and I was really looking forward to having today be my day#I had a really lovely morning and then things kind of waned#there were a few arguments. someone I spent the day with repeatedly made negative comments about something I care about#it felt awful. I know it was intended as more of a playful jab than anything but I directly asked for the comments to stop and they didn't#it especially hurt that it was a fandom thing and the person is so invested in their own fandoms yet they felt it fair to step on mine#even though I've never done that to them#then people kept talking over me and acted like I was wrong for trying to interject to finish my own sentences#also as I said in the last post I was deeply upset by how my family members spoke of my 12 year old cousin#she's just a kid and some of our close family members have such a nasty opinion of her. she's so young and she's had a rough few years#but it seems like no one except my brother and I are willing to give her any grace#I think everyone else has forgotten what it feels like to be a kid and feel as if the world is against you#on a more positive note. I had a decadent slice of chocolate cake. it was heavenly#unfortunately I was really too in my head to fully enjoy it#literally every day for 3 weeks I've been talking about the lunch I planned to have today#I knew exactly what meal and dessert I wanted from the restaurant. it's my absolute fave and isn't available at any other local restaurant#I was totally starving by time we got to the restaurant. we were out all morning and I ate a tiny breakfast in anticipation of this meal#when we got there we found out they removed what I planned to order from the menu. I was devastated.#I know it's stupid but like this was the one part of my day that I've had planned for MONTHS and I've been thinking about it for weeks#we had a 40 minute car ride where I mentioned my excitement for the food no less than 10 times so this crushed me#also I'm just really picky in general and typically restaurants only have one or two things I'm able to eat#I offered to just eat the dessert while everyone else ordered food because they were all really hungry too but they wouldn't allow it#we left the restaurant and I still feel horrible for walking out. if I had known the item was removed we wouldn't have even gone there#it happened so recently though and I feel dumb for not even thinking to check the menu online beforehand#so we went to another restaurant and I barely ate anything and now I have no appetite for dinner and I feel bad for ruining the afternoon#even though it's my day and my celebration and I feel like I'm entitled to a slight amount of unreasonableness
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I used to be funny you know? I used to have good humour and now every time I try to crack a joke I just feel awkward like I could've gotten that one delivered so much better. Smitten with the curse of not being able to be serious while also being horrible at being silly. If you ask me I'd rather be smitten with other curses but such is life I suppose.
#people say I'm funny but when have I ever made anyone genuinely laugh is the question you know?#it's horrible when most of your idols are comedians or well rather actors that got famour through comedy and fictional characters who are#just funny in their own way and it's one of the most desirable qualities in a person don't you know#a good sense of humour is very important it's just a shame I don't really have it#I wish I knew how to make people laugh I really do#I'd hate to be boring on top of all my pthwr personality deficits#the awkwardness I can live with the theatrics I can accept and the lame humour i don't like but what other choice remains#but boring no I don't want to be boring#nobody ever talks about me though and I don't like that#not even negatively#i hate that i really do#everyone just thinks I'm nice I'm just nice and nothing else I'm a footnote in a world full of interesting people I'm the nice one#that you don't have an opinion on except “nice''#thats why I'd be happy about anon hate to an extent because that means someone thought about me#i always think about how once I'm dead I'll just vanish and I don't want that#i want to leave /something/ in this world I don't want to live my life being an afterthought and then be forgotten in death#i don't even mind being lame but I just don't want to be nothing#my head hurts again I should stop thinking ugh this is what happens when you sit in silence for too long#oh i don't know I guess it really is just the fact that when you constantly look at the stars and want to reach their light it's hard#to deal with the way that you're stuck on the ground and will never even get close no matter how hard you try#but such is life I suppose there's no use in lamenting the spilled milk#delete later
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