#the way they just reset everything
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What if I straight up didn't explain myself? What if I just said trust me on this? Would you?
#fe warriors three hopes#mercedes von martritz#miklan anschutz gautier#we really only need to clarify this is STRICTLY warriors miklan and i think ive already condemned myself but i accept it#i am very sorry but the person i usually would talk to about rare pairs has been a bit busy so i couldnt go to them to get it out that way#so art is the only way i have you have to understand its not my fault (its my fault)#did you guys know i reset the azure gleam map three times before googling the chapter where he dies to try and save him#no i dont think he deserves to be pardoned for what hes done but i liked that w3h gave him a small chance to be better FOR HIMSELF#no i dont think he should simply be forgiven for everything he did but i do like that he was given humanity and how#he was still not a good guy but damn you guys i think about that npc sometimes#who says that they admired him becoming something despite being a criminal bc if miklan can do it whats stopping them from being better ?#like that npc stuck with me a while ok#just ......... there are a lot of thoughts here that i dont think many of you care to read even in tags so ill stop now#i will say the canvas is saved as speed run to cancellation lesgo
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more robot au doodles......... my favorite extra doomed robot girl
#mafuyu is the final prototype of her model! shes basically complete in every way#and they activated her to make sure everything works properly#with the plans to reset her after a few months of testing and leave her shut down until its time for her model to officially release#so shes uh. very much struggling with the fact that everything about her as she knows so far is going to get erased#even if shes meant to be a little bit incomplete right now because testing phase she gained too much consciousness and now shes Scared#also she looks like shes seen the horrors at all times just because she has big round eyes but a tendency to blank stare#all the robots are a little bit doomed because once theyve outlasted their popularity theyre usually shut down and destroyed#but mafuyu is extra doomed because shes going to be reset once soon and then eventually face that same temporary lifespan#(unless someone gets her out of there first. teehee)#project sekai#mafuyu asahina#w1f1 sketches
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String you up, tie you down (Patreon)
#Doodles#The Stanley Parable#TSP#Stanley#The Narrator#I realized I never actually gave any kind of visual representation of how Sinister's arm got that way#Since it was a dream initially he was just ''always like that'' so I never bothered lol#Plus I never even posted those original dream doodles over here lol it was on my alt - so many reasons!#It's weird to see his arm unburned and bruised with the wire on it#It would still eventually start to hurt! It's very tight on him so it cuts off his circulation even without all the external damage#Not enough to cause lasting damage - how much do the resets reset? Does his blood un-flow?#But definitely enough to cause discolouration on his skin#Not enough to completely numb his arm tho just so it's like forever pin-pricks lol#Sometimes the skin goes numb from being burned or hit tho - the Narrator has no real way of knowing what Stanley's feeling so he just#Keeps running him into things lol#It's not Exactly sadism on purpose - he does genuinely forget! Especially the longer it goes on because Stanley stops reacting#And then also the thing of how much does the Narrator remember from each reset as well lol - some things! But not everything#So eventually it just settles into ''That's just what Stanley's arm is like'' - much like how I feel about it! Lol#But sometimes he does hurt him on purpose - think the lead-up to the Museum ending or the Mariella ending#The example given here is the first time he burns Stanley's arm for refusing to get the Art ending lol#Maybe he does hate babies you don't know#Poor Sinister :( He's always at the whims of the Narrator but now he's got a whole arm's worth of extra control on him!#Got a bad vibe from the very beginning and he was right
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do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option
#if you can't make connections with people or be seen by anyone then like. at least you can feel like you're helping a better cause#to like charities and gfms and anyone else#but you have to tone that down bc you're slowly losing money bc you still can't get a job#and bc you don't have a job it means you're just stuck in the house all day. which gives Way Too Much opportunity to Think about everything#and also so like. i still share a room with my sister but it was fine bc she'd stay at her bf's a few nights a week#but he's got a job that's a bit further away and basically she can't go round his as much. so now it's maybe like once a week#the room is getting messier so it gives me less energy to do anything#you can get really into an unhealthy weight loss obsession bc at least it feels like you're getting towards something#but idek is set weight theory real? bc once i get down to a certain point it suddenly resets#like honestly counting calories and donating money to every gfm i saw and writing a film script was what kept me going#but first one isn't working and second i need some sort of income and third is finished and i have no way of actually creating it#and then there's the whole lack of stable hyperfixation and ability to find new music i enjoy#and realistically what would fix me is having a good job that i enjoy and somewhere to live on my own#but until i get a job that's currently impossible. and even then it probably won't feel like enough#my entire life is lived on my phone i need more physical objects but i don't have enough space#bc i share a room with my sister. it's like all my problems are connected#and i have enough optimism that i still think it'll get better in the next few weeks. maybe i'll be able to get a job and that'll#get everything going again#but at the same time i could easily just die#I've graduated from uni. I've seen the who live 3 times. I've crashed my car twice. I've watched 30 years of corrie. I've met various dogs#what else is there to do with my life honestly#(<- joking)#but yeah like. in summer 2021 i almost got suicidal (it was just letting the occasional thought linger in my mind etc)#but that was bc i was so depressed#but now it feels like i could just kill myself. but more just out of convenience#idek. i'm not gonna kill myself. bc i have a job interview on tuesday. and just in general i won't#but there is this casual feeling of like. well i might as well. i can't describe it#ramble#suicide tw#weight loss mention
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how to stop being Affected as a result of medical problems ending explained reddit no paywall
#:)#lowkey i've developed some kind of trauma-derived avoidance to everything in the last few months. like super lowkey mind you#not in the scared way btw but in the 'god decided my fate is to be sick so i don't deserve to even live life' way which is actually dumber#talked myself out of so many nice things the last few months because i'm a Sick Person Now and therefore Shouldn't do things any longer#also mind you i walked away from hospitalization with virtually zero symptoms that would impede my ability to do things#so i just decided to construct a psychic prison to punish myself for no good reason <3#kinda feels like there's a glass wall between me and the world and i sooo badly want to be able to push past it again#suuuuuuuuuuuuucks that i am always undergoing traumatic events that reset my progress. someone save me................
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well. i finished ch 17 of hi3. but at what cost
#avil plays hi3#tbf majority of me playing through hi3 just looks like This.#yes the acheron trailer made me get up and finish ch 17#i. :(#the fight between kiana and mei was so painful :(#ok also i suck ass in the combat and i was so scared of having to restart#BUT I THINK I HURT MORE THE FACT THAT KIANA JUST REFUSED TO GIVE UP ON MEI#BUT MEIS ALSO DOING THIS BECAUSE SHES TRYING TO SAVE KIANA#AND THEY WERE BOTH FIGHTING TO STOP AND TRY TO SAVE EACH OTHER#MEI YOU SAVED KIANA BUT LIKE..... DONT YOU WANT TO LIVE ALONGSIDE HER.... MEI PLEASE#tbh. the way i was going through ch 17 for hi3.#kiana and mei remind me a lot of oz and gil's relationship back in pandora hearts but#now it makes me want to hit my head on a brick wall because#'wow. i really just gravitate tO THE SAME FUCKING MEDIA EVERY DAMN TIME AVIL STOP IT FFS'#also idk i was thinking about it too#mei tried earlier to use the herrschers powers to try and protect kiana but it wasnt enough. she failed that time#and with no other option to save her she just HAD to and it makes me HURT that this was her only option#IN HER HEAD. I BELIEVE IN YOU MEI I THINK THERE COULDVE BEEN ANOTHER OPTION HERE (IDK WHAT BUT I AM SOBBING)#sprawls on the ground#at least i can have an emotional break for a little bit.... hsr update so i can chill w that#and then when i finish catching up w that. then i go back to being hi3's punching bag#can i get off this train now? why'd i sign myself up for this (welt yang doomed me and then i got fucked over by everything else)#idk also the way that both mei AND kiana resorted to using their herrscher powers to stop the other. two stubborn people....#but its done because they just... they just care so much and want to save the other#okay yeah we did beat each other up about it bUT STILL#MEI I BELIEVE IN YOU YOU CAN TURN THIS AROUND 😭😭😭😭😭#anyways. glad i did. i have the worst stomach ache rn so i was Going through it#but my brain hit a reset so i feel normal now. save for the crying
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One of my big compulsions is taking a fuck ton of screenshots Just In Case a piece of information is important in like 4 years and I can't remember it (sometimes the information is an instagram post that I might not remember later and of course needs to be recorded everywhere (I will Not be looking at that again)) so today is my transfer 16000 images off my phone admin day (woo)
Like yeah I never looked at any of them and they were completely irrelevant to my daily life, But what if I need them ✨️ later ✨️ (you'll see that the idea of Later is doing a lot of heavy lifting here) OR what if there's a vital piece of information in the mix somewhere that I'll lose forever if I delete them? So: onto the external hard drive they go
This is one of those cases where. Yeah. Ideally I wouldn't take 16000 screenshots in half a year. And YEAH ideally I'd just delete them and not transfer them somewhere else to never look at again. BUT at least I get a clean slate and I can maybe not mindlessly save everything for 2 seconds. It's like. Small wins? Progress. Yknow.
#rangnar rambles#i also use my tumblr drafts this way which is how i have probably 2000 drafts for this blog that are just? like me saving a post for 'later#and then theres too many in my drafts for me to even find *MY* drafts#i need to just hard reset the draft function bc its literally unusable for me#'matt this is all irrational and weird' by god. my irrational thoughts disorder makes me do weird shit? are you fr rn??? 😨😨#i get so stupidly in my own head and then i dont make progress towards Anything#even like a fun sideblog where i can actually yknow. post that 2k nightmare? i just cringe myself out like a dumbass 😔#i feel like ocd thoughts always sound lame out loud (and in my head to myself too)#like the Urgency doesnt come across#like in the moment i am Completely convinced that my national insurance number and bank deets are in there somewhere#and theres suddenly no way on earth i could ever find them again if i delete the picture. so to the hard drive they go#i Would go through that whole thing if i suddenly needed a screenshot from 2019 btw. like the crazy isnt theoretical#ive hallucinated gas leak smells before and woken up my flatmates bc i couldnt convince myself i was over reacting#its just cus the seasons have changed that everythings ramping up but omg its hard to do anything but spiral nowadays#thats a little dramatic but i am losing like. a quarter of the day to my ocd#its like. not great 😬#im not back to convincing myself i gave my dad cancer but i am not letting myself use half the kitchen again#but eh soo la voo we ball#HAH i checked my drafts after this and i was lowballing so hard#5.7k on this blog. 12k on my main 💀. its not funny but it kind of is#this is why youll never catch me running a queue#this is such a miserable post but i do feel the need to not let it sit in the drafts pile. to prove the point i guess 💀💀💀#'no one gives a shit this is your blog' 'oh my GOD WHAT IF PEOPLE GIVE A SHIT' <- omg shut upppp youre so embarassing 🙄#one more time for the gallery: i am like. aware that these feelings are irrational. like i am fine it just takes time for reality to kick in#ANYWAYS what was that who said that that was so weird im gonna go look at old romantic era paintings now#if tam is a screenshot fiend in the next fic u know what happened
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#I HATE IT HERE#i just got it to work for a little bit by hard resetting my ipad but then it decided to stop working. again and again#its like that spongebob bit where everytime he tries to get a snack from the vending machine he misses the bus#apple store guy was no help and applepen is just a bitch on its own bc theres no way t manually change the battery or fix it. just replace#I CHECKED EVERYTHING this little bitch still connects and pairs to my ipad the battery level is fine i have the latest update#changed the nib and everything. charged it to 100%. the only problem is that it just wont draw on the surface GRRRR#yapping
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every single minute i feel like a pressure valve that’s winding up too tightly and any minute it’ll just pop.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[i so badly need a week off. i need just one fucking week to reset myself. I’m begging for one fucking week to reset myself. I’m hoping my#kid’s parents decide to take her for a holiday because I love my job but my aunt just died and i am living out of a laundry basket from#laundry i am continuously doing because I haven’t had the time to go through her clothes. and then I have to move all of mine. which#requires time even with help. like. I’m losing my mind. at least I just went grocery shopping so the fridge is stocked. but I have to move#an entire house. again. after I just did it two years ago the opposite way. and frankly? I miss my aunt. I miss my aunt so fucking bad and n#no one cares. I had a dream she was here and I asked her why she left me and she said ‘I didn’t go anywhere cait. I’m right here.’ like. I c#can’t grieve when I’m also taking care of everything. and I just want to go to the cemetery to light some incense. I just want to cry.]#death /#negativity /
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want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#actually i dont mean bald i just mean all one guard length#but hhhhh maybe i'm in an awkard stage maybe not i just CANNOT live like this#middle part is frustrating because it's not perfect in the way it sits side part is frustrating because i look like a girl#i feel like i could go all in with the 4 and then sorta texture a bit with the 2 guard HOWEVER having used the 4 previously. i know#how short that is. it might not look good so i worry#the bright side is it would grow out a bit by the time of the parade but augh i hate this#i'm currently a tightly wound ball of rage sorry. i didn't eat much of anything 2day#tried to call the hospital to get help with the letter/consulation thing preceding top surgery and they were NOT OPEN so idk if they will#be open tomorrow or not. the passage of time has gotten very vague all of a sudden#iiiiiii do not think i am doing well. lol. idk why though! god forbid any of it have a reason#i almost wish i'd relapse just so i could like. eat food again#idk i don't think it would solve it but i feel in my heart it might make things easier#buuuut because relapse is Bad For Me i guess i have to avoid it. well i want to anyways.#one bad day would not a reset make but my previous day happened this year already so...#i dunno it's been so long that i feel like it's not valid or whatever cause it was at an age where i can say it was a 'phase'#.............. i dunno what to do with that information. anyways.#i mean so what if i went all in on it again anyways? i kinda miss it lol. it's not like i could do any serious harm??#(potential infections aside.)#i just want to be creative and i CANT because my stupid brain will NOT think of anything#and the majority of what i have concretely written of this was written... get this .... right when i was trying to stay clean at first#correlation does not equal causation ........ sighs#i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle because i WANT IT to be that bad again#i've never really regretted it & it's never really been because of anything#i just started because i was curious about why someone would do that. that's all#i dont think i've EVER had any of the mental distress i see people in when theyre in these spaces#in one journal entry i made this big deal about wanting to kill myself but *i didn't want to*. i never did.#like sorry old me but it is REALLY hard to believe i've ever been depressed depressed#i just want things to be better and they never are :/ this should be everything i wanted and its just ... not#i'm not really sure how to ....... oh tag limit ok hold on
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tbh i think that. yeah the most challenging pokemon side games that still are hard af as an adult are conquest and ranger. like those games pull no punches.
#THE WAY RANGER CAN FUCK YOU OVER#ESPECIALLY OG RANGER#WHERE YOU HAD TO LITERALLY DO EVERY LOOP IN A ROW OR IT WOULD RESET YOUR COUNTER#BEATING THE FINAL BOSS ENTEI I WAS CLENCHING#iirc the final boss entei you literally had to loop that bitch uninterrupted like 40 times or something like that to capture it#test of fortitude#at least all the partner pokemon in the series are extremely helpful#i loved the multiple partners choices of soa#i still am so chuffed when i befriend an adorable pachirisu or kricketot and they actually really pull their weight in a game for once#ukulele pichu however will always remain the most broken partner#the fucking ukelele attack getting even stronger as you progress to the point you just paralyze everything is so fun#and tbh the moment i figured out that you could use the fucking symbol in the INTRO SEQUENCE to summon a FREE MEWTWO#that was SO COOL#i would just summon him and be buddies with him i rarely ever used him#just my buddy Genetic Freak#hades.txt
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crazy awesome scary dream last night abt being stuck in sone sort of infinite labyrinth
#u were put with a group of likeee 10 and u had to stick with them the whole way theu if possible#if you died you went back to a checkpoint which were likr every 10 levels or si#and the levels varied from like cool abstract scenery to gore horror mazes to fun games to murder chases#there was a creature in the labyrinth called ‘mother’ which is almost definitely subconsciously inspired by tboi. but she was veryyyyy hard#to deal with like she could disrupt the regular levels by initiating super fast chases thru like. puzzle or maze levels#orrrr infiltrating ur team and posing as one of them only to kill u over snd over (happened to me on my first run)#there was a strange time loop quality to the whole thing#there were like safe levels at each checkpoint where items would likeee respawn or smth#on my second run i left a belt at the start but then i went back to get it bc i didnt want to lose it#but we had to keep like resetting to make it appear#and when i found it my team member attacked me for whatever reason (vriska type.)#and i died for whatever reason abd spawned back there… now i had two belts#on my first run mother chased me and the other guy for fucjing agesssss it was so scary. and on another ocassion i think she tricked me#ended up like complety goring me and turning me into sone cyborg or snth??????#but i managed to kill her. i firget how#but in our second run we got her in the firsttt fucking room LOL#it was like ���u have 5 secs until mother appears’#and we had to sit on this painting of her and like basically suffocate her#but shr kept trying to trick us likr i think my mate got tricked and covered in blood#we had to sit there for like 10 mins. and then when we left she woke up anyway and started a chase#and it was like. frame perfect fucking chase man. so hard.#ok heres some fun levels i remember. OFF reference with baseball guys throwinh u towards the goal (puzzle level)#hugeeee like massive scale antiques shop with a bunch of toys in it. and fish for whatever eeaon. like we were ant scale and everything was#massive (scenery level)#huge fuckoff maze w monsters in it that mother chased me thru on my first run (maze level)#snowy mountain and maybbeee there was a polar bear? i think BUT thst may have just been the outside starting area for my second run#bc that was also snowy#anyway it was an awesomeee fucking dream.
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sorry but ppl on the internet are so naive when they genuinely believe the majority of people "hate capitalism".... that isnt anywhere near the truth. most people are sheep that just go along with what society says is right. when im out there and talk to "normal" people and listen to their convos they are literally pro capitalism. they talk about how the 8-5 work day 5/week is GOOD bc they get to work a lot and make "a lot" of money. many people will complain about unfair work hours and too big of a work load but they dont do anything more than complain... they wont vote for the left, they wont join unions, they wont stage protests or demonstrations... most ppl are like "omg fuck capitalism lmao ahhhaha fuck capitalism am i right???" but they still dont actually do anything to change it... because the entire point with capitalism is that it is comfortable and convenient. netflix and spotify is capitalism. ordering takeout is capitalism. having packages arrive to your door or close by is capitalism. concerts by your fav artists is capitalism. flying a plane to resorts all over the world is capitalism.... ppl only say "fuck capitalism" bc yes they're overworked and underpaid, but they dont actually want to live in a society without capitalism. it would mean a profound change of our entire reality as we've known it for centuries. it would be extreme. it would actually feel like it does in movies where the world is ending and society resets. it's too scary to actually go through with, and no one wants to do that. saving the planet and tearing down capitalism... would mean an extremely different world and life. no more driving your car to work and to the store and to the gym and back and forth to your parents or friends. no more going to multiple concerts every year. no more going to luxury resorts in ibiza or greece. no more online shopping. no more ordering takeout. the truth that nobody wants to admit, because no one wants to admit that they would choose to continue living in comfort even if it means destroying this planet, is that no. you dont hate capitalism. not truly. most people do not hate capitalism. if most people did... we wouldnt have the world we have now and always have had since capitalism was introduced. humans make this world. we get the world we deserve. and nature trying to kill us is what we deserve. it's like when we're sick and our bodies get fever to burn the virus. we are a virus. we could choose to stop. but we dont. only a small handful of people are willing to actually do what it takes to save earth. most ppl who make silly comments about oh my god fuck capitalism tihihihihi are not part of that small amount of people. it is sad, especially for the people who do get it, who do want to save earth, because we are such an extreme minority we have no power at all. the masses win. and the masses have chosen to live in greed and consumerism and comfort even if we'll pay the highest price thinkable.
#it's funny that it is called 9-5 when it is in truth 8-5 and many ppl work longer.....#not expecting anyone to read but i need to rant#i feel so alienated because i truly cannot relate to anyone#i wish i could find people like me in this world#but there seem to be so few of us it pains me to be this alone#i just dont respect people#people LIKE online shopping and owning things and travelling and going to concerts and and and and#they like it so much they think it's worth to sacrifice literally everything for it#i could live without any of that if it meant not hurting humans or animals or earth#i dont think humans need to have millions of concerts or every artist needs to have a concert#im just going on abt concerts bc that's one of the things that are the worst for the environment#and one of the things ppl conventiently forget to talk abt when it comes to environmental damage and capitalism#and like fireworks.. and bombs.. and nuclear power. we dont NEED any of that#but literally 10/10 ppl of you who read this will think that ummm u are dumb#ofc we need fireworks and bombs and nuclear!!! that's all profitable and fun and useful#so like yeah idk i truly cannot connect with any human i come across#and i dont respect any of the empty bullshit ppl talk abt everywhere#'fuck capitalism' 'save the earth' .. none of y'all give a fuck if it means u have to give up things u like and find fun#but yeah sure if it makes u feel better abt urself to parrot empty mantras go ahead#y'all have already won and we're on borrowed time#it's cute watching y'all plan for the future as if u have one#at least im not alone in dying bc we're all gonna suffer for what we've chosen#and also at least i have my mom to talk to bc she gets it and agrees#she doesnt agree fully when i talk abt how eco fascism is the only real thing we can do#ppl cannot be trusted to be given a choice#we need to declare martial law and force everyone to reset#no more capitalism no more waste no more environmental damage#but yeah my mom says fascism is always wrong but the way i see it.. we either do the hard thing to save us all#or let all the millions of fuckheads choose to kill the earth and us all with it for literally nothing#after manyy years we could start going back to 'democracy'...
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cons of owning a personal laptop that weighs in at 2.2lbs max (and also owning a macbook air for direct comparison) is that no matter how many times apple shills preach about how light macbook airs are, they're never going to be as light as your personal laptop. macbook airs are heavy to you now. there is no escape
#so i bought a refurbished m2 mb pro because i needed either mac or windows for school and i refuse to deal with the headache that is windows#and this thing is like. 3.4lbs. like don't get me wrong it's an absolute beast with an unreal battery life and i love it but also compared#to my personal laptop....everything is heavy now. i have been forever ruined. spoiled rotten. etc#also my personal laptop has a 180-degree hinge which i utilize daily and i'm always afraid that i'm going to forget about that#and forcefully open my mac way too hard and just snap the fucking screen off or something#**also the reason i had to buy a whole new mac instead of just using my mb air for school#is because my mb air is quite possibly the shittiest early-2020 i3 mac you've ever seen in your life#the battery life is godawful. watching videos in a browser will crash it. it took me factory-resetting that thing to make it somewhat#functional again and i wouldn't dare try coding on it anymore after the nightmare that was two semesters ago#my new mb pro however.......literal beast mode activate. on par with my personal laptop. i'm impressed
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really just feels like the last four years of my life have been in pretty permanent stagnation, everything’s temporary and transitional, and i’ve been trying to fix it, but every time i do, something happens to make it worse
#the universe doesn’t want me to have a stable life apparently#i say four years it’s been my fucking whole life with the universe kicking my ass#but i was stable for a long time but then 2020 reset everything#i think i slipped through the cracks and it was like ‘oh shit haven’t fucked with gwen in a while’#then boom!#and now i’m here and it’s bullshit#man i remember when i used to have friends and i wasn’t actually for real stared at in the supermarket for being disabled#i remember when i wasn’t even disabled#like my mental health was actually good and things were better than they are now#i say ‘better’ bc in a lot of ways i had to have my brain rewired by trauma to get to where i am now#in general#not like now now#because ya know recovering from a manic episode and not in the best shape in this current moment#keep getting frustrated and it’s like bruh you were literally manic not even a full month ago#you’re still not fully recovered#trying to get better at being gentle with myself but it’s tough bc i’m not used to it#which is such a sad statement holy shit#trying not to say ‘i wanna kms’ over every tiny thing#bc triggering and bad#trying to just live in the moment and just ‘be’#which is difficult when i’m almost constantly in pain in some way but fuck it we ball#< my new catchphrase?
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i need to make crow friends. i need a bird army
#brb looking up everything i possibly can about how to befriend crows in a way that is safe for all involved parties#winter speaks#also is anyone else's dashboards just ???? randomly resetting ?????? its annoying as FUCK
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