#the tags is where i put my bpd

[appulfox]

I hate how it took me 3 — almost 4 — years to finally start realizing in full the things people had issues with, in terms of me and my behavior. The issue with this is.. after a while, my honest mistakes, my genuine confusion, my genuine lack of understanding or "getting it".. a pattern of that — no matter how genuine — stops looking innocent and/or unintentional to those on the outside of my own thought processes. My behavior gets boy-who-cried-wolfified, my intentions become misconstrued, and once I finally start again with trying to get better — at least with the things that I've been told to get better on — one mistake, one relapse back to old behavior, one instance of shitty behavior, gets taken as intentional. Because they're fed up.

Because, here's the hard truth. You intentions can be pure, you can make genuine mistakes, you can genuinely just be oblivious to your own behavior or how your behavior is affecting others. You can THINK you're improving, not realizing you're tunnel visioning on only fixing ONE thing. You can genuinely be trying, not necessarily having the tools that you don't realize you need to get passed the walls you're getting stopped by (created by yourself, might I add). You can genuinely be trying to fix things, thinking you are, but instead making things worse by "fixing things" the wrong way.

But the problem with intention, is that it's internal. You may have positive intentions, but you, yourself may have negative and/or toxic behaviors that you have yet to fully check/take care of. You may have a lack of knowledge on how to enact your positive intention. You may be dealing with some unchecked impulsivity. You may have some denial issues. You may be insecure and THAT'S unchecked. There may be many internal factors — both known, and unknown — that barre you from creating a positive outcome from your positive intention. Add on some unchecked neurodivergency, and you've got a concoction for a negative outcome. My examples — in terms of parts of my neurodivergency being unchecked, and thus a cause for issues within conversation — are: I take most concepts literally AND I have some fairly black and white thinking; if things aren't categorized, I get stressed or confused. Neurodivergency (ND) itself isn't the problem, it's my lack of and/or inability to find a workaround and/or working balance for these traits in my everyday life. They go from being a normal trait of being ND, to being major personality flaws that I struggle to find solutions for. And that's what they become understood as, after repeated instances of this. The thing is, a personality flaw can COME FROM how I've learned to cope with my traits being misconstrued as intentional over the years. For instance, I've had my intentions misconstrued, my words read into or paraphrased incorrectly, and my thoughts and character assumed my entire life. The way my brain works is: Go for the most efficient (in my current understanding) solution. First priority. Go for the path of least conflict. Second priority. So because of this, my solution for making sure I am almost NEVER misunderstood was to over explain. In turn this comes into play when I don't fully understand something, either, and the other party is starting to think that I'm being intentionally obtuse. My current bandaid for this is having us (the people in the conversation) come up with metaphors, similarities, or parallels between the concept I'm TRYING to understand, and a very well known concept (one that we all understand and know) to HELP me understand it, or to help me and/or the other party figure out/get closer to WHY I'm not understanding. The problem with this, is that this method creates long, drawn out conversations that can end up causing the other party/parties within the conversation to become fatigued with information or just burnt out with the conversation altogether.

But I digress, going back to this — "But the problem with intention, is that it's internal." — meaning that YOU are the only person who TRULY knows WHY you are doing or saying something. Others on the outside can only INFER on your intentions based on how well they know you AND your past and present patterns. And even then, sometimes the people whom are the CLOSEST to you will still be completely wrong about your intentions for enacting an action or for saying something. Does that make them a bad person? Hell no. It makes them a person who's tired, who's exasperated with your actions.

No matter how positive your intentions may be, your actions can still cause hurt and stress. That is a hard pill to swallow. Another hard pill to swallow is knowing that, some positive intentions require getting over/crossing an irrational insecurity/fear in order for you to be able to create a positive outcome. Leaving those fears and insecurities unchecked will have you succumbing to those fears and creating negative outcomes. Part of growing is being uncomfortable (growing pains).

An example of this would be, let's say I have a huge fear of going shopping. Why? The grocery store causes me massive sensory issues. Okay sure, that's valid.

My brain's efficient solution: Never go shopping and have someone else do it.

Now, while this could work in some cases if everyone in the household agrees to it, but in some households, shirking this responsibility onto someone else as my solution for my problem is unfair and quite selfish, not to mention, inconsiderate.

Sure, I could come up with every other excuse on why this is my only option (shitty and stubborn), I could, instead, come up with a workaround for my sensory issue. Having sensory issues, having autism is valid, but I HAVE to find a balance between my disability and my adult responsibilities instead of just immediately succumbing to my issues and refusing to find workarounds to a pretty solvable problem.

A better decision would be, if it's too noisy or too bright for me in the grocery store, I can wear headphones and light sunglasses to nix the initial issue.

I didn't actually do this, but I HAVE behaved pretty much exactly like the above scenario before in my IRL life. I used to think I was right in my stubbornness. Then I realized I wasn't, very soon, but then came the issue of not fully knowing WHY I felt the need to be so stubborn. The issue this was, I knew that my stubbornness wasn't justified, but in my brain and body, it FELT like I was right to be stubborn. Like a gut feeling. And bc I was still trying to figure out WHY I felt the need to be stubborn, and it still felt like I was in the right, I'd continue with the behavior until I figured out WHERE the feeling came from. I was essentially using myself as my own lab rat. Eventually, I figured out WHY I was being so stubborn. It came from the autistic trait of routine and by proxy, our struggle to accept or be comfortable with a change in said routine. In the above situation, I'd already found a "solution" to my problem. To my brain, my problem was solved. So, someone else trying to come and change HOW my problem had been solved, would make me uncomfortable. Along with that, it messes with the logic within my brain in the same way Captchas fuck with robots (I've failed Captchas before, that is how algorithmic and robotic my brain is). Essentially, the question for me becomes "If I've found a solution to my problem, the most efficient solution, why do I need ANOTHER solution?" But that question, for the longest, never passed in my brain AS A QUESTION, it always parsed, instead, as a feeling of being uncomfortable. Side tangent, that's where the struggle of finding words for feelings comes from. My nervous system and part of my brain knows WHY I'm uncomfortable, that's immediate. But it takes longer for me to parse those feelings into words, or rather, the question that my brain and body is having.

Talk about dramatic.

Once I was able to parse the question, I'd usually find myself answering it easily. The thing about certain traits of autism, and just emotions in general, is that they aren't always logical, even if they feel like it. It took me a LOT of time to figure out what my brain and body were trying to tell me before I finally figured out what illogical ass question they were asking me. Why should we have another solution if I've already solved it? Well bc I didn't actually solve it. Usually, once I've answered the question, the feelings of stubbornness start to ebb. Essentially, my brain and body process the situation faster than the logic part of me does sometimes, and that creates problems if left unchecked like I had been for so long. There are things that I've JUST now started to recognize that are issues with processing, things I've just now started to fully assess and absorb bc it took me so. fucking. long. to process the information in my brain fully. Not to mention all the things that I just now started LETTING myself process are gonna take time for me to fully absorb as well.

Does any of this mean that my actions that have caused hurt should be excused? No. It still caused hurt, they were still bad decisions, bad behavior, and sometimes, bad intentions that I thought were good out of ignorance or fear. I still have to take responsibility for those actions, even if I "didn't mean to". Mistakes and accidents happen, sure, but people STILL got hurt because of me. And while some of these behaviors were things I couldn't help or change in the moment (lack of understanding or lack of knowledge), some were definitely behaviors that I could've, and should've spent more time correcting and remedying (insecurities, fears, emotional regulation).

And fuck do I hate that it's taken me so. damn. long to even realize or reflect on ANY of this. Because over all these years, I was focused on wondering what I was doing wrong and wondering why my actions were seldom matching my intentions. I've been focused on panicking and focused on making sure that I didn't lose anybody, that I managed to stop focusing on working on my actual behavior. I became focused on people pleasing, making sure I made others smile, making sure I was doing things for people. I should've been focusing on genuinely getting my act together. I should've been focusing on self reflection, growth, learning, getting my life settled, instead of trying to make sure that I was in EVERYONE'S good graces. I was so focused on making sure everyone liked me, that everyone I interacted with saw me as decent. I was so SO focused on making sure that EVERYONE knew my intentions, that everyone knew that I never meant harm, that everyone knew that I was trying and that I wanted to make sure any mistakes I made were rectified, that I was never misunderstood. I was essentially trying to set up my social life so everyone KNEW who I was and knew that the negative issues on my side were never intentional so that way I could go fuck off and finally focus on improving myself without the possibility of someone, I guess, even perceiving me. I was so so fearful of going to work on myself, and then losing those I loved in the process, that I ended up hyperfocusing on on the wrong things about myself to try and surface please other people. In a way, I think I wanted validation that the things I was doing were actually good. I still struggle with thinking for myself when it comes to making the right decision with things. I'm so unsure of myself and I'm so unsure of what the RIGHT thing to do is in some situations, so I find myself asking what I should do, or winging it in fear of looking stupid for asking. The latter is not advised.

I'm writing this mainly to show my therapist on Thursday, but also bc I wanted to reflect on my feelings and behavior. I KNOW that my intentions for pretty much most of the people in my life are positive. I KNOW that I only want to treat people well. But, in these last 3-4 years, and in the last 2 months of me putting genuine effort into my growth, I still find myself believing that I truly am a bad person. That I'm pathetic and that, at 18 days away from being 25, I should be more responsible, that I should be more mature, that I should be more well rounded. There are people years younger than me that I feel like we should just swap ages because of how much BETTER they are than me.

Sure, I may be improving, I may be getting better, with some bumps along the way.

But for the people who it matters most to, they're tired of me. Exasperated. Need space from me. Hold resentment for me. And in a couple cases, hold opinions for me that aren't true. There are things about myself that folks are holding resentment for, and I'm not sure what those THINGS are.

But I did this to myself. I have issues, many issues, and there were many points that I could've made better decisions, asked more questions, or just simply asked for help. I became a burden and a nuisance onto the lives of the people I deem the closest. I KNOW I can improve, will improve, and am improving. I KNOW that things and myself will eventually get better and I will learn a lot of new skills, lessons, and coping mechanisms (all good) along the way.

But being in it.. being in the growing pains, knowing I've ruined myself for some and am on thin ice for others. Knowing that I ruined something so good and started getting better too late. Knowing that, I've unintentionally caused trauma. Knowing that, in the current stage of things, I ruined my life and left others scorned.. Knowing that there are opinions of me that I can never clear up....

I wish I'd BEEN better. I wish I wasn't so slow. So slow to get it. I wish I wasn't so slow to EVERYTHING. I wish I didn't keep creating victims out of my bad decisions. I wish that I had worried about myself. I wish I had self respect. I wish I hadn't caused and created so much pain, stress, and hurt. I wish I was smarter, tougher, less of a crybaby.

I wish I wasn't Apple. I wish I wasn't Leo.

I wrote this out bc I needed to put my emotions, thoughts, realizations, lamentations, and regrets into words somewhere. Barely anyone looks at or follows my Tumblr, there's like, NO word limit, so here's most of my thoughts that are somewhat coherent and somewhat mixed in with the abandonment issues that my BPD likes sprinkling in lol

[faithfromanewperspective]

starting to reframe lashing out at other people and taking things out on myself as the same category of thing, not recommend, not a good habit, but something to have compassion on given that it’s a reaction to being hurt, etc. And taking on more than I can handle fits similarly. It sounds confusing to some but it honestly has given me access to a whole lot more resources and a better way to frame some things that isn’t quite ‘must be perfect and never ever do this’ but nor is it ‘helpful response to Thing That’s Going On I Need To Process and Grieve I’ve got no reason to figure out how to do better than’

[mimi-911]

i love being held to standards no one else is because the concept of bpd is scary for people and that makes me a ✨terrible person ✨

[sol-draws-sometimes]

Ask and you shall receive

The Barbie trailer mugshot meme but it's Adam looking Concerned and Caleb is here for the ride

ooooh YES can someone please draw this, I want to see this SO badly

[autisticgayplushie]

all nine of the stretch goal designs for this campaign - I am not sure how many goals we will be able to reach but there will come a point where I won't be able to do any more goals unless I get fulfillment help, so we'll see if it gets to that point and if I can get help! below the cut are the names, info, and artist statements for each plushie! I may end up changing the names as I am still not sure about ash, sandy, kelly, and luca, but let me know if you like them!

Tristan The Depression Raccoon: Tristan’s plushie will come with a removable hoodie accessory! He loves cozy video games like animal crossing and stardew valley. There are not many widely used symbols for depression that I could find, so I chose Tristan's colors based on how my depression makes me feel, bruised and cold.

Ash the Anxiety Bunny Moth: Ash’s plushie will have fluffy moth antennae and removable magnetic wings similar to Bug’s plush! They love to visit the home depot lights section when their friends are with them! I chose gray and yellow for the main body colors because my anxiety personally deals with uncertainty and things out of my control. The green comes from one of the anxiety flags created by Beyond MOGAI. To add moth features was a suggestion I got that I thought fit very well!! 

Sandy the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Kitty: Sandy is an artist and loves to draw and paint landscapes! Her wings will be attached via magnet, similar to Bug’s wings. The colors of her design are based on the OCD flag created by lucellion, with spirals in her paws to represent repetitive thought processes.

Melon the Sensory Processing Disorder Opossum: Melon is a silly opossum who has bat wings! Melon’s wings will be attached via magnet, similar to Bug’s wings. Melon’s colors are inspired by the SPD pride flag created by Beyond MOGAI.

Jazz the Borderline Personality Disorder Kitty: Jazz is a tortoiseshell kitty that loves to read!! Jazz’s plush will come with a pvc charm of the hand of Eris symbol for you to put on xer collar if you choose! The colors are loosely based on the BPD flag created with community input by ptsdsafe on tumblr.

Kelly the Schizospec Axolotl: kelly is an axolotl who is studying chemistry and loves science! kelly’s design is inspired by the Schizospec flag, created with community input and organized by schizosupport on tumblr. They will have a collar tag once again made of PVC featuring the associated double sided arrow symbol.

Em the Bipolar Disorder Chimera: Em is a chimera kitty who has dragon wings and a snake tail! One side of the snake tail is smiling, the other frowning. This takes inspiration from the :): symbol often associated with Bipolar disorder.

Cy the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Otter: Cy is a happy little otter griffin! They love to sculpt and craft and sew! Cy’s color pallet is based on the assortment of medications I take for my own IBS symptoms.

Luca the Dyslexia Fox: Luca is a dancer and loves to perform! Their design and colors are loosely based on the infinity heart+ moon and star symbol that is often found on dyslexia flags. they will have L and R embroidered on their paws, which was a suggestion I was given.

[gentlebeardsbarngrill]

03/05/2024 Daily OFMD Recap

TLDR; Samba Schutte BTS; Extended Battle Jacket Scene; Alex Sherman and his Butt; Rhys Darby; UK Crew Billboard Meetup; Watch Party Reminders; Fan Spotlight/Podcasts; Love Notes; Daily Darby/Tonight's Taika;

= Samba BTS Explosion =

Most of you have probably seen it by now, but Samba posted the longer version of the Battle Jacket scene that Ruibo mentioned yesterday in the WJW interview.

= Alex Sherman =

Samba also gave us some more BTS Videos, but tumblr won't let me upload more than one video at a time per post, so here they are on separate posts:

Alex Sherman BTS Part 1: Buttox Guy

Alex Sherman BTS Part 2: Buttox Guy and Arm Guy

BTS OFMD Extras

== Rhys Darby ==

Well with no context, my only thought is maybe Rhys is going to be playing Dungeons of Eternity next on his youtube channel! I guess we'll see.

== Taika Waititi Kudoboard!==

Several lovely crew-mates have been putting together a Kudosboard for our dear Taika Waititi!

Please add your kind words, well wishes, thanks, or other positive thoughts for Taika! We will share the link with him on Wednesday, March 13.

Please note that this board is moderated and inappropriate comments will be removed immediately.

https://ofmdlove.kudoboard.com/boards/Mi5DxyBL#view

== UK Crew ==

The UK Billboard has been scheduled for 11 Mar!

Tumblr / Instagram / Twitter

== Watch Party Reminders ==

= A League Of Their Own =

Tomorrow the 6th is ALOTO Episodes 4-5, and then OFMD 4-5 Time: 1-4PM EST/6-9PM GMT Where: You can watch ALOTO on Amazon Prime

Watch Party Hashtags:

OurFlagMeansBaseball, 

SaveOFMD 

SaveALOTO to join the event!

= Mar 4 - Mar 8: Wrecked Season 1 =

Don't have access? DM @iamadequate1 on Twitter or Tumblr

Season 1 watch from March 4th to March 8th. 

Season 2 watch from March 11th to March 15th. 

Season 3 watch from March 18th to March 22nd.

Times will be 10pm GMT / 5pm EST / 4pm CST / 2pm PST. Watch two episodes per day. Episodes are 21-22 minutes each. Use the following Saturday for the tags/watch if interested but not able to make this time.

Hashtags: 

#WreckedPirates

#SaveOFMD

#RhysDarbyFaction

== Fan Spotlight ==

= Never Left Podcast =

Never Left Artwork by Amy Gleason

Episode 007 Beautiful Princess Disorder (Part 1)

Our lovely crew-mates over at the Never Left Podcast are delving into BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder or Beautiful Princess Disorder) and how it relates to Edward Teach. Very interesting and kind discussion of BPD and it's coming in multiple parts. I'm so happy that we have a safe-space-ship to discuss this.

Never Left Podcast Linktr.ee

= Cast Cards =

Today's new Trading Card is Will Arnett! Thank you @melvisik for giving us more and more to collect!

== WB is removing stuff from Etsy ==

FYI to all you sellers out there on Etsy. Thanks @ofmdfanpage for this info.

== Love Notes ==

Hey Lovelies. It's that time again to take a moment for yourself, and do a quick self-care check.

First: Have you had any water lately? Anything to eat?

Whatever you're doing, take a minute to get yourself a glass of water, maybe a small snack, the rest will be there when you get back. I know it feels like you absolutely CANNOT stop what you're doing, or you won't get back to it, but I promise you, unless what you're doing is literally life-saving (like open-heart surgery) or you're in the middle of driving a bus full of people, it can wait a couple minutes.

I know you're strong enough to push through and keep going, but you deserve a break. You deserve a minute or two to yourself.

Second: Time to take a deep breath.

Remember to hold it just for a second or two and take your time breathing it out.

In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Great job :)

Today I was reminded of a short meditation poem by Thich Nhat Hanh on breathing that used to help me get through rough days and I wanted to share it with you-- with each line, breathe in and out slowly. Here's more on it if you're interested: Meditation Poem

In, Out Deep, Slow Calm, Ease Smile, Release Present Moment, Wonderful Moment

Right now, you're the wonderful, present being. You're alive, you're breathing, and you're kicking ass. It's fucking tough out there sometimes, and it's okay to struggle, just don't ever forget how incredibly unique and wonderful you are.

Infinite numbers of events, random meetings, and stars colliding led up to the imperfect, glorious you, and you're still here, shining with us (whether dim or bright tonight).

Love you crew. Whatever challenges you're facing, know we're here for you. Reach out if you need us <3

== Daily Darby / Tonight's Taika ==

Tonight's theme is THAT STASH.

Taika Src: @skux-life Rhys Srs: @fandomsmeantheworldtome

[cyberphuck]

The Patreon Post

SO HERE'S THE DEAL: I do not want to make anyone have to pay to see my art.

Let's be real: there are like fifty bajillion other, more skilled, and better-known artists on Patreon putting out more detailed, more unique, more in-demand, and just more art than I am (or want to). I'm a self-taught, frequently distracted amateur who's had an iPad for a year. I'm not gonna pretend that I am going to be able to pull in more Patreon subs-- or keep them, for that matter-- on the strength of my random doodles alone. I have never really thought or even hoped that I could do that, because it would mean Doing Art As A Job, and I absolutely do not want to associate "drawing" with "work." (I also don't have the means, time, motivation or experience to self-promote and/or keep a small community of followers entertained, and even the thought of having to do all that on top of having to Draw For Work is terrifying.) There's the self esteem-destroying gutpunch that someone with BPD (me haha!) receives when they ask if something they created is "worth" a certain amount and are answered with silence. (If you have BPD, you know that 'silence' is so much worse than 'no.') I don't think that anyone is actually saying my work is worthless any more than I think stairs were invented to fuck over people with bad knees, but I want to avoid one for the same reason I avoid the other: hurts and bad for healing. And also, maybe most importantly, most of the fans of my work are my friends, and most of my friends are poor people. I do not ever want someone to have to choose between "Eggman weeping as he cradles a slain Speedy Gonzales" and "rent." Lots of people I know just don't have any money to spare even for professionally made entertainment, or, like me, sometimes they have money (yay, beginning of the month!) and sometimes they don't (booo, end of the month). I'm not gonna put a paywall between my friends and my art. So, as always, you can view all of my art on Patreon for free, without an account*. (*you will have to have an account to view NSFW stuff but this will be in the 'free' tier as well.) H O W E V E R. You guys I am so fucking poor. If you follow my blog you know the whole story already-- mental illness, chronic illness, chronic mental illness, surprise rescue puppies, surprise fines from the city, the fukken recently concussed clown show that is social services in my area-- and you've seen me having to crowdfund for everything from food to gas to dog emergencies. We budget down to the cent and have cut out so many things (like the meal replacement shakes for my eating disorder lol) and we're still not making ends meet. I've got friends who help, and they help a lot, but I hate the miserable, humiliating task of asking for help every single month. (You guys also know that I don't have family that can help me, even if shit goes critical. I was on my own while I was a homeless sex worker, on my own when we lived in a shed with no windows, on my own when we were in a house with no heat and only one source of running water, and definitely on my own now, in desperate need of mobility aids, house cleaners, and a god damn break.)

So here's where I'm at: I can't ask a few people for a lot of support, but I can ask a bunch of people for a little bit. If you like my art and want to help me keep making it, want to help me make shitpost replies to people on the internet, want to help me do free askbox art challenges: Put your doodle prompt requests in the askbox. You can even request stuff anonymously! Participate in polls about what prompts you wanna see. Reblog the art you like, show off the doodle you got, leave keysmashes in the tags. The more people see the post, the more statistically likely it is we'll find the one person on Tumblr with disposable income. Also, people should know they can get free art when the prompts are live! Sub to the Patreon if you can spare three bucks a month (you can also do Ko-fi if you don't want to make a Patreon account). Ko-fi is also a good place to just plunk something into the tip jar once in a while. There are Artcards and Monthly Sketch sub tiers on Patreon for a little bit more, but I will send an Artcard to pretty much anyone who asks as long as I have some left. The art is free, it will always be free. But if you can, spare a dollar (or three).

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA If I anonymously pretended my friend abused me in order to talk to the Other Party so I can feel something?

So I have this friend, M (20F) who got accused of abusing K (26F) because M said a few things that K didn't like and basically lovebombed her because of M's BPD.

Now, before this all went down, I didn't know M, but because I had BPD as well, I decided to comfort her about what happened and got her side of the story and K was lying about most of what she accused M of doing.

Here's where I'm at now.

I want to go into my old blog that doesn't have my name on it and talk to K and basically see if I can get her to talk about M by pretending that M also abused me so she can give me her side of the story.

WIBTA?

(Side note, can you tag this as bpd so I can find it again?)

I cannot, because that would put this in the publicly searchable bpd tag, and I don't think that would be either wise or kind.

What are these acronyms?

[devoted--angel]

Thanks for making the stigma around bpd worse you fat fuck🤗 bpd isn't bein yandere

aww sounds like you're having some big feelings right now!! let's put down our keyboard for a second friend, let's have a reading comprehension and media literacy lesson!

okay!! so i have bpd and the way it effects me is the way i show it on here in this community!

have you noticed the use of personal language? good job!! that means i am speaking about myself! very good friend, shine on shine on!! now when you talk about yourself does that mean you are speaking for other people? that's right friend, you aren't! so that means people are allowed to have thoughts, feelings, and experiences that are different than yours!!

i am just an angel on the internet! i am not a mental health specialist. it is not my responsibility to fight the stigma around bpd on a VENT blog where i show myself unfiltered. if you don't like my bpd that really isn't my problem.

i can tell that this brings you some distress so i would gladly love to help you learn how to block tags as well as profiles so you can avoid this in the future!

i hope you learned a lot today friend <3 maybe soon you'll be able to move up to third grade!! ♪(๑ᴖ◡ᴖ๑)♪

[rweoutofthewoods]

hello… I read the regulus bpd fic and I’m floored, even by just the description alone. I myself am a regulus kin and even when I got the email notif I just knew it would resonate with me. the miscommunication tag, the aspect of feeling like you know the other person as if they’re your other half but that other half just doesn’t seem to understand you, and you hardly feel seen. I've never really voiced how I feel out loud before especially in regards to my FP, so to see it on AO3 tags was like you’d force me to do the ice bucket challenge against my will /j

and then reading the actual fanfic? nail on the head. I’m just wondering how you got it so accurate as from what you’ve said, you resonate with james in PPP more? and although you said this regulus is textbook bpd, he still feels alive, like you’re writing from something carnal and real, as real as PPP james. I'm astonished by your writing once again

Hi! I'm always glad to hear when people think I get it right, because obviously my own depiction may not resonate with everyone, so this means a lot!

And yes, I'm nothing like Regulus, but honestly, I've always had a pretty easy time writing him. I think it's 1. I'm pretty good at empathizing and putting myself in other people's shoes, and though that leads to less nice things like me often getting the worst secondhand embarrassment in the world, it's also very helpful in writing, because I feel like I'm able to really dig in and try to understand different characters. 2. it's nice to write someone so different and separate from myself, and it gets rid of that personal barrier that might come from trying to depict someone more like you. AND 3. when it comes to bpd, there's some things that are pretty universal across different types of people, so while there are parts of ppp James that definitely I relate to more than this regulus, those core feelings I think a lot of us share. Like explaining that consuming, painful feeling where it literally feels like your heart is trying to turn over in your chest when you're triggered? Maybe I can't relate to Regulus as his personality, but yeah, shit, if those of us with BPD haven't all experienced that kind of pain so unbearable it feels physical.

And if anything, I feel much clearer and better able to express what BPD is actually like NOW than when I wrote ppp. Honestly, it was probably discernable in some of my depictions back then that I was not comfortable with the disorder or even sure who I WAS, which is why that fic took on a lot of those themes of James' struggle with even accepting he had an issue. While this one, Regulus is fully aware he has BPD, other people are aware of it, and it more so studies how it affects relationships and his day-to-day life.

This was a ramble of an answer, but ty for reading and I appreciate you!

[2-kamikou-1]

woag it's an intro post

hi I had my writing list as my pinned for so long but it didn't even have the desired effect so I'm making an actual pinned

(dividers by @witchrealms // layout by @rookmeo)

hi m'name's adrien I'm a minor I'm transmasc & autistic & bpd I use he/it and some neos listed here. I strictly do not use they/them. this is my main so you'll see just about everything here.

I am in a closed relationship please don't hit on me ^^"

my primary special interest is project sekai so you'll see a lot about that here. my favs are Rui, Ena & Shizuku, my favorite units are N25 & W×S, and I am a massive shizuruikasa & mizuena shipper (there are plenty others I like though) but some other non-media ones are etymology & alt fashion, I have others but I can't think of them rn.

I post vents here sometimes. I try to tag them or put them under cuts but I don't always remember. feel free to shoot me an ask about it if it bothers you, and I'll go back and tag it.

because of my bpd I have semi-frequent self-isolation episodes where I often softblock my mutuals. I am prone to dissociation which means I also don't always remember this. If you notice I've softblocked you this is probably why. Don't hesitate to ask if you want to know- the chances of me remembering to follow you back are slim otherwise. If I really didn't want to talk to you anymore I'd hardblock you.

if we're mutuals please tag;

pictures of crickets (or similar bugs that are dark colored with lots of spindly extremities, like whipscorpions)

anything related to the movie "girl, interrupted"

specifically sexual innuendos related to hospitals/doctors (anything else is fine though)

hurricanes, tornadoes and other similar natural disasters (note: this doesn't count for things like fundraisers for people trying to come back from disasters like hurricane helene and milton. just for things that are detailed accounts, or for things in fiction)

(list subject to change as I remember more things)

child death (same as above, you don't have to tag fundraisers or other causes for me, just for detailed accounts or things in fiction)

you can use #adrien no look as a catchall tag if you want but I do have the tags for all these things blocked separately as well. ty 🩶

list of sideblogs

list of rp blogs

list of writing

other places you can find me (tell me you came from here so I don't freak out!!):

discord: adrien9174

prsk id (en): 445440127091621897

AO3: matsuu_u

tiktok: niigosho.enthusiast

[wraithdance]

A note on stray dogs

It may seem silly to write a detailed authors warning for a fan-fiction but I feel compelled to write one considering the very polarizing reactions to imperfect characters in fics and the authors who pen them. (TLDR at the end)

Stray dogs is meant for me to explore the CPTSD/BPD/Avoidant attachment trait within a character and try to give said character some grace, dignity and loving relationships despite their mental illness.

I have seen the big reactions people have towards those with significant personality disorders or mental health struggles, (I’ve personally been on the receiving end of said reactions) so I know first hand the amount of vitriol and violence that comes with not fitting a status quo due to mental illness.

The reason I’m willingly divulging that info on the internet is so that anyone who struggles with the same will know that I do not plan on Stray Dogs becoming trauma porn where everyone just sucks and you (the reader) get to boo and dunk on the characters. I’ve seen many published authors do that (and even encourage it) so this is me saying that’s not my thing in the least.

I have been in this world long enough to know that ableism and romanticism of mental health issues in media can often be dangerous for real people (ie 13 Reasons why, Euphoria, etc.) I don’t knock anyone who does take that approach in their work, because as a writer it’s not your responsibility to control how people go out in the world and act due to the worlds you create, I just feel very strongly about not partaking.

Stray Dogs will contain themes that can be considered toxic and will go into depth into not only Ghost’s past traumas, but Johnny’s and ‘Readers’ as well. I’ll always put a warning on potentially triggering scenes and I’ll do my best to make it so you can skip certain parts without getting lost. Otherwise, I’m a message away if I need to tag something I’ve missed.

I’m saying now that despite what ringer I put everyone through, Stray Dogs WILL have a happy ending because I’m a sucker for that kind of thing. I don’t really want to promote this story very much because it’s meant to be personally soothing while also helping me explore my writing voice. If I ever receive any extremely negative feedback that is unproductive I will delete them for two reasons 1) as not to trigger anyone who may personally identify with the characters and 2) Because lol babes I don’t give a fuck we’re all reading fanfics it’s not that deep.

If you have any trouble in engaging with the story you won’t offend me if you stop reading! That’s why I have something more lighthearted like the Five Year Plan in the works while I work on this!!

But yeah anyways it’s 4 am and I’m kinda losing the plot but in the future if there’s any question about my intentions with some of the content in SD I will link to this note and I’m happy to have a conversation in more depth if asked about it.

Anywho if you made it to the end thanks lmfao I hope you enjoy the story (or not no skin off my back)! - Calvary

TLDR: Stray Dogs will not be trauma porn where I make reader and established characters miserable for little to no reason. I will heavily tag trigger warnings and am open to conversations about why I’m setting up the story the way I am. Message me if I’ve neglected to tag something for filtering.

[xb0rder-7inex]

I'm on day 3 of lamotrigine and I can already feel the mood stabilizing effects

Obviously not quite where I want to be and not as rested as I was on Seroquel, and it's too soon to say still if they are going to work for me, but I feel good.

Of course my moods still fluctuate throughout the day but the therapy Ive been taking has helped a lot too.

I'm so excited for DBT.

I also want to keep posting my journey because I think the bpd tag gets clouded a lot with all of our negative emotions and I want to put a little positivity out there because I know how it feels to not want to get better. I know how it feels to want to end it all and think you're just a waste of space on this planet, to think everything for everyone is just a waste of time. I still have my moments of doubt. If anyone understands you, it's me. And I would be so alone without this community. One thing I've learned is that your environment and the people in it are detrimental. The right ones will support you and yes they will fucking change for you when they see how hard you're trying, and you will outgrow everyone else on your way.

Go to therapy. Take your meds. You don't have to be ready. You will grow WITH it, not for it. I promise.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's just waiting for you. It ain't going anywhere.

[crguang]

Found this post while looking in the ptn tag and oml

https://www.tumblr.com/lesbianlovrr/756718854554730496/gotta-love-the-part-where-she-regained-composure

Idk if you’ve seen it before but Garofano’s voice scratches my brain so good I’d say yes before she could even apologize for sounding completely unhinged

I SAW THIS WHILE I WAS IN THE TAG AS WELL ON HER BIRTHDAY SHDJKELEDKJDJF FUCKKKKK SHES CRAZY. THAT DEEP ASS VOICE OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD TAKE ME I VOLUNTEER TAKE ME TAKE ME

“i want to button you up into my body”?! insane sentence. i need her tremendously bad. like theres not one person in that game that could stop me from getting to her. i’d take on coquelic myself for garofano to be granted a day off bro. chief would have to put us in opposite wings because i’d cling to her and never let go. i would match her freak so well she’d be terrified. they’d need to put some curtains in front of those bars because we would fuck for hours are you crazy. no, you don’t understand, they gave ME— bpd girl and mommy issues who gets attached to every female authority figure in their life and who’s type is milfs with control issues— a deeply possessive, manipulative and sexy older woman?… HEHDHAHAHAHS she’s mine now.

anyway… im actually just as unhinged as she is like what a pair we would make😋 also i used her in the levels i farm the most just for that 100% compliance (shes literally only lvl 35). this is my home screen btw

[l0stfoster]

★ INTRO POST ★

(Last Updated: 10/29/24)

ーー

🔭 About My Ass

☆ Foster / Percy ( <- not my real name + friends & irls only ) ☆ 18yrs || enby & bi + aroace spec || they/them ☆ est || audhd & anxiety + bpd symptoms (no diagnosis yet, working on that) ☆ semi-freelance art & plans to study accounting or go to trade school for HVAC ☆ my carrd can be found here ! (updating it in the near future)

// Tone indicator user cause autism // The Outsiders is my primary fandom/content as of now. I also engage in Fear & Hunger and ROTTMNT every now and then // DNI proship, racist/sexist/antisemetic/ Igbtphobic/ableist, nsfw, boundary breakers-- the basic shit // Just in case it's bought up; I'm not a system of any kind but I occasionally say "we" when referring to myself. It's a weird force of habit.

ーー 🎃 Misc Info

☆ Inbox asks can be about anything— sharing headcanons, asking ab au's, general QnA nonsense, or just for ghits and shiggles. ☆ Ask spam is okay as long as it's got a reason behind it [like multiple separate questions, etc] instead of just aimless spam. ☆ My art can be used for pfps, layouts, wallpapers, edits, heavy referencing, and design usage w/ credit. I do not want my art REPOSTED anywhere off Tumblr if it's not by me but REBLOGS are completely fine, go wild. ☆ I adore reading the tags you guys leave, I highly encourage them /silly ☆ Please do not DM me sporadically!! If we're friends or you've asked then it's okay but I don't really like to talk to people one-on-one unless I've known them for a while.

ーー 📍Taggings List (May Update)

★ #my art -- Pretty much any and all of my art, usually includes rendered pieces and non-rendered ones. ★ #my wips -- Self explanatory ★ #my writing -- Also self explanatory! ★ #foster doodles -- My whiteboard or other doodles that I wouldn't consider full art ★ #foster animates -- My animations/animatics ★ #fosters ocs -- Self explanatory - ★ #foster talks, #yapping -- Posts where I yap a bit, sometimes I put them on inbox answers or art posts. ★ #foster answers -- Answering Asks ★ #foster reblogs -- Stuff I reblog ★ #moots my beloved -- Tag for whenever I interact with my mutuals/friends ★ #fav -- Posts I reblog that I love ★ #thugging it out (failed) -- vent/ranting tag ★ #autism is stored in the balls -- It's... It's my tag for pure autism brain hours. I used it once and it stuck I apologize - ★ #cursed tulsa au, #cursed tulsa - Tags for The Outsiders Cursed AU ★ CURSED TULSA MASTERLIST

ーー

🦔 Art Related Info

☆ Art requests open from time to time, I'll either post about them opening or it'll be displayed on the ask button. I do have the right to not draw what you ask for, so fair warning on that. ☆ Art Trades are semi-open, this is mostly for mutuals and I probably won't do them too often. ☆ I do commissions!! The carrd is currently in the works but I do have some old sheets lmao. The art is pretty outdated, prices are negotiable. My rules are pretty simple based on wise; no nsfw for minors, no mecha, nothing problematic. Things such as reference sheets and heavily detailed backgrounds vary as well. Just let me know what you’re interested in and we can discuss!! My discord is @/akafoster

[polyamorouspunk]

Hello polyamorouspunk 🙋‍♂️ I stumbled across your blog while looking through the polyam tag. I was hoping I could get some advice if you are still accepting those kinds of asks.

I've just broken up with my partner of about 4 years. We were both polyamorous but I felt like they weren't putting effort into the relationship anymore, like I was the only one trying to make things work while they often ignored me. It wasn't working for me and made me feel rejected and I think their approach to polyamory was noncommittal and I am anxious that this is the norm for polyamory. That if I try to have committed "work on the rough patches" relationships with other polyam people I'll be setting myself up for failure.

I can understand and respect other people not wanting the same as me but I don't know if I should keep trying to find the people that want the same as me or if relationships just aren't for me at all, I don't think I can do monogamy either because I've always enjoyed being open with friends in a way monogamous people would probably feel is unfaithful so I've found it hard to maintain friendships while dating monogamously. I'd love to have committed relationships with multiple people but don't want to feel like a second choice again.

I don't really know how to find other polyam people either.

Sorry if this is inappropriate or difficult to ask but thank you for reading, you have a cool blog

I can’t really imagine any of the polyam people I know personally being “detached” from a relationship like that unless we were trying to distance ourselves on purpose because most of my polyam friends have BPD or something similar which makes us really clingy to people. I can’t really remember a time where any of my partners have brought up to me that I wasn’t giving them enough attention, if anything, I’ve brought up to my partners/friends that my partners I feel like don’t give me enough attention. There are always going to be people who are non-committed in relationships because they’re just flaky, there are going to be people who are non-committed in relationships because that’s just their personality and they really don’t mean any harm by it, and there will be people like me who are VERY clingy and obsessive. All of these attachment styles can be found within the polyamorous scene. I wouldn’t advise letting one relationship that didn’t work out for you personally discourage you from searching within polyamory still.