#the path in life isnt always so direct

[lavand4punk]

I am SO close to completing the superwholock circle. And so incredibly late yes

To further explain myself I joined tumblr for sherlock in like 2016, and a new world was discovered. I new about the other two shows in the triangular fandom reign of those days, but only superficially, I didnt really now much about them other than their titile, main charcters and a very foggy idea of what they were about. I never developed an interest, sherlock was a full time job at the time, remember season 4 was about to come out, the theories were wild.

Then, like yeeears later, came the pandemic, and I, much like everyone else, had too much free time on my hands, and spent quite some of it here. So I new the last season of supernatural was airing, and I randomly decided to watch it, without any context whatosever, just straight to season 15 because why not. We all now what happened, and there it went the next few years of my life being fixated on this old show, and the continuous drama was just that good.

Some time early this year, when i was finishing my months non stop The x files first watch, yes all through its 11 seasons and 2 movies, I needed something to fill that gap (and distract me a little bit from whatever those last txfs seasons was), so I put that show people here were talking so much about, Good Omens, without much expectation. And well, well, well, guess what happened. Anyways, thats how I came upon two amazing british actors, and let me tell you, yall fans were right.

So, now im watching all of david tennant’s work in chronological order (and michael sheen’s, but his I havent found an organized made list with links like the ones I found of dt) and I’m a few short years away in his career from doctor who.

Rip me I would have loved 2014 tumblr.

[lovieku]

GOOD LUCK, BABE! #2 ⋆ 정국

what happens when you leave everything behind, only to be faced with it again years later? eunbi is convinced she was given another shot at keeping all she ever wanted, but it’s difficult when that all is her childhood best friend who doesn’t want to do anything with her anymore. how to earn his trust back?

☾ pairing: non idol!jk x fem!oc

☾ genre: childhood friends to strangers, friends to lovers, angst, fluff, smut

☾ word count: 9k +

☾ warnings: alcohol consumption. explicit language. underage drinking. this whole thing is fluff vibes imo. like jk is just a little loser who misses his best friend. gureum debut! i love this dog so much he deserves his own one shot.

☾ author’s note: hello !!! i hope this chapter isnt too slow for u guys.. i like this pace tho! we r starting to get to know our ggukkie better. but we’ll get to eunbi too! oh also, theres little hints that help understanding the timeline of the whole story so 👩🏻‍💻 thank u for ur time!!

ps : dal = moon in korean; boreumdal = full moon in korean. it’ll be useful as you read hehe.. ok bye!

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two ⋆ ribs

The first time Jeongguk got drunk, it was with his best friend. At the age of 15, the number of coming-of-age movies he had consumed with her by his side was more than he could count on both his hands and feet, never having enough of getting lost in a world that seemed so entrancing yet far. Not only because his age wasn’t exactly the one depicted in those films, but mainly because Busan didn’t offer such scenarios. Jeongguk was continuously inspired by those, so much so that he’s confident when admitting it was exactly that genre which got him to take directing and film production not only as a silly dream, but as an ambition. No matter how crazy it sounded to everybody’s ears, he wanted to follow that path, because only then he could translate his wild and eager imagination into somewhat of a concrete, tangible reality.

Having Eunbi by his side was only a bonus. At the end of every movie, after impatiently but silently waiting for the credits to roll (she knew Jeongguk took those very seriously, almost as a ritual), she would vomit every single thought she had harboured regarding what she had just watched and Jeongguk felt seen. His same hunger was reflected in his best friend’s eyes, and words, and passionate gestures when yearning for those experiences. The only difference was that, if Jeongguk was content with only jotting down their endless brainstorming after a long session of movie watching for future ideas that he hoped he could bring to the big screen, Eunbi was longing to bring those to life.

”I really wanna get drunk,” she whined in the older boy’s ears while munching on some remaining snacks, attentively observing Jeongguk’s skilled hand doodling what looked like two people watching the sunset on a beach. With time, he got used to staying focused on whatever task he was leading even with the girl going on about whatever passed her mind, but this time he released a chuckle and let his pencil roll down the couch, shifting his attention to his sulky friend.

“Why would you want that?” He said with a curiously amused expression, entertained by the pout on the girl’s face while she took his sketchbook and delicately traced the beer bottles he had scribbled earlier.

10 Things I Hate About You had been the current topic of discussion, being the last of three movies they had watched that afternoon and the one that Eunbi liked more. She couldn’t stop geeking about how cool Kat was and how she wanted to be her when she grew up. Jeongguk thought her little moment of admiration was funny, and let her go about it, “Everybody says it’s bad for your health and bla, bla, then why would they make it look so exciting?”

For the first time since their five years of friendship, Jeongguk thought of himself as the more rational one of the pair. Even if older (by one year), he had always been a bit childish around her and seemed to need his best friend to scold him with her witty, book-obsessed vocabulary. Thus, saying he was surprised by Eunbi’s claims would be an understatement. It was like the roles had switched when he said, “Well, it’s fiction. It’s supposed to be exciting.”

In response, he got the same glare he would reserve for her anytime she would tell him off for his immature behaviour, with an addition of an eye roll and an even sulkier expression, emphasised by her crossed arms. The boy giggled at her disappointment and snatched his sketchbook back from her hands, retrieving the pencil from where it had been buried under the cushions so he could resume his earlier activity.

However, the sudden silence was unsettling. It gave him a moment to realise he had never really been surrounded by quiet when hanging out with his neighbour. The Converse-lover girl would always fill any empty space with words, thoughts, songs, even random sounds made with her mouth, or hands. He was not sure if he should be thankful for such unusuality or if he should search for hints that could be hidden behind her odd quietude.

He went for the latter, and he was proved right when he lifted his head from his drawing and found his friend torturing her lower lip with her front teeth, staring into the void with narrowed thinking eyes. When she noticed his gaze on her, she exchanged eye contact and, unable to hide it longer, a mischievous smirk made its way to her mouth. Jeongguk shook his head, “You’re not seriously considering-“

”I’m just saying!” Her talkative self was back, sitting cross-legged on the couch and fully facing Jeongguk, trying to get him to direct his whole attention to her, “Dancing on a table seems fun…”

Jeongguk scoffed, amused by the way this one movie seemed to have had a huge impact on Eunbi’s running imagination, which he was very familiar with but, as he was having this conversation, he doubted if there was more he needed to discover, “Do you realise Kat was about to fall-“

”And! Got saved by hot Heath Ledger. Twice!” Jeongguk was used to being interrupted, especially when the conversation was about one of the girl’s favourite topics. He didn’t know Heath Ledger was on that list, though. He frowned, “You think he’s hot?”

Her response was as simple as a Duh!, making the boy feel stupid for questioning what seemed to be an ultimate truth. He rolled his eyes and went back to doodling meaningless details that would complete the image that had been clouding his mind, only for his shoulder to be shaken by a whiny Eunbi, “That was not the point. I’m telling you I wanna drink alcohol.”

Jeongguk snorted, taken aback by the unexpected outburst of confidence, then widened his already big eyes at her, signalling to quiet down, “My mom is literally in the next room.” That only got the daring girl to shrug her shoulders, eyebrows raised, and expecting an answer to her admission.

The older one sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes closed and contemplating. His meditation was interrupted by his determined friend rocking his body back and forth by the sleeve of his t-shirt, in hopes of getting what she wanted. She wasn’t sure exactly what it was, but figured Jeongguk could find a solution for her. Said boy tried to get the constant pulling to stop, only when it wouldn’t he could only lightly push the younger one away, knowing it would cause a huge reaction. And not even three seconds after, she laid down and acted as if her arm was broken, and her whole body severely injured, faking cries and whines. Jeongguk laughed, “What do you want me to do? Where would I even get it?”

It’s like she was waiting for that exact question, because the moment it was asked her acting immediately came to an end, as she lifted her body up again and sat straight on her heels, “Your dad has a whole collection of random bottles. He won’t notice if one is missing.” The quick response sounded strangely rehearsed, and Jeongguk furrowed his brows.

A smile danced on his lips at seeing his best friend trying not to break too and instead maintain a serious composure, wanting to make her intentions clear and unmoved. Jeongguk was surprised at her sudden resolution, figuring it must not have been so sudden after all, ”How long were you keeping this inside?”

”Literally forever,” she eventually broke, releasing a long breath, her body bending down with it but then regaining its straight posture, resuming her Convincing-BFF-To-Get-Drunk plan, “Movie was the last straw. Please Ggukkie?” She mustered her best puppy eyes and Jeongguk narrowed his, unbelieving of all the tactics she was using to get to her goal.

”No.” He strangely managed to sound firm, despite Eunbi insisting and now deepening her pout, making it hard for the boy to deny her request, “Dad will kill me.”

”I’m sure he won’t notice,” the way she was talking made it sound like she knew exactly what needed to be done, as if she was explaining something as obvious as Heath Ledger being hot. The look in her best friend’s eyes, however, let her know he wasn’t fully on her side yet, so she came up with something unexpected even to herself, as proved by her dubious expression after uttering out, “I will also steal a few beers from mom.”

Jeongguk fully broke out laughing then, nose scrunching and eyes squeezing, hand over his belly while muttering something close to You’re insane, and that went on for a minute, the reaction carrying at seeing his neighbour being as serious as ever, not even hinting a smile (even if she was doing her best to suppress it).

When the chuckles eventually came to an end, the brown-haired boy shook his head and went back to his drawing, leaving the girl incredulous at being ignored like that by who she thought would always be her Number One Supporter. She gasped, mouth hanging. Jeongguk smirked amusedly, seeing her through his peripheral vision, “What?”

The younger one whined and fussed on the couch, impatient with Jeongguk being seemingly impossible to convince but stubborn with wanting to make him agree. When not even her begging worked, going ignored as everything else she was doing, she sat silently just following Jeongguk’s hand on the paper. The boy thought it was over, until Eunbi let her mind speak again, this time more spontaneously, “You know, this thing you’re drawing, it could be reality. Not just film reality, I’m talking about us two drunk on the Busan beach, enjoying everything it has to offer. Can you really resist it?”

Eyebrows wiggling and a mischievous smile on her face, Jeongguk knew he was being difficult just because, the idea of getting drunk with his best friend had sounded inviting right from the start. Little by little, he was breaking, still hesitating when he admitted, ”Busan beach doesn’t sound that exciting but… Yeah, that would be pretty cool.”

At that, the girl’s eyes went sparkling, hopeful of finally winning her battle, ”That would be suuuper cool! C’mon, Ggukkie.”

Her hands were back on his shoulder, shaking him with less vigour this time but still making the boy giggle, “How would that even work-“

”We sneak out.” Once again, her rapid reply sounded so sure, it almost scared Jeongguk. He wanted to laugh again, but something in the girl’s expression made him hold back, slowly being persuaded by her convincing tactics, “I got everything planned. Let’s put the movie brainstorming aside and keep the get-drunk plan brainstorming going and I’ll tell you exactly how we’ll move through it.”

Jeongguk hesitated. The light in her eyes made him put the doubts to the side, ”Alright.”

That same night, they put the plan into action. It wasn’t too thought-out, but Eunbi had a way with words that made anything sound magical and captivating, just as those directors Jeongguk admired could depict their young age in a way too fascinating vision. They had decided to sneak out of their windows at 1 a.m., and before that, they would get their hands on what they had agreed and figured would get them drunk enough: whatever hard liquor attracted the boy more out of his dad’s collection, and two beer bottles from Eunbi’s fridge.

Both of them were clumsy with their actions. If they had to complete this initial part being together, the whole plan would have failed with how much one would have laughed at the other, and vice versa. Jeongguk made the bottle clink with another, while his best friend in the house next to his closed the fridge too hard, causing uncalled-for noise. The sounds were amplified by the quiet of the night, making the youngsters awkwardly stand still for a second, terror-stricken in hopes they wouldn’t get caught. What followed after was hastily placing the contents in their backpack and waiting some more by their window, ensuring no odd movement was heard from their parents’ room. When everything seemed under control, they nimbly climbed out, landing on their feet.

The first to appear outside was the younger one. With every fast and speedy beat of her heart, she felt it coming up her throat. All her senses were ten times stronger at that moment, and she could feel a jittery sensation travel through her whole body, running in her veins and seemingly unstoppable. She tried to, by harshly biting her lip and clasping a hand over her chest. Where the heck was Jeongguk? And why was she so cold? She wished telepathy existed, as she hoped with all her might that her friend had brought a jacket she could steal.

When a minute passed and there was no sight of the older boy, she felt utterly betrayed, and tried to come up with any excuse that could justify Jeongguk’s delay: there were none. If she could make noises she would whine, both the cold and the wait being unbearable.

Jeongguk appeared seconds later, looking like a deer caught in headlights as his feet landed on the ground with a stomping sound. Eunbi couldn’t help the snort escaping her mouth, quickly clasping a hand over it while the boy made his way to her with big eyes and his pointer finger laying over his lips, demanding absolute silence.

The two didn’t utter a single word until they were at a safe distance from their houses, and when they looked back and noticed how those were becoming smaller with each step they took, the smiles on their faces grew bigger. The girl in her Converses giggled and incredulously shook his friend’s arm, “What. The. Heck. We did it!”

Jeongguk let a nervous chuckle escape his lips, sharing that same excitement mixed with tension that he could feel oozing from his best friend, now hanging from his arm, “We did it. Now, where do we go from here?”

“Trust me, Gguk. I told you I know my way,” once again, the younger one managed to sound convincing enough, and Jeongguk let himself put his whole trust in her, too agitated to argue. However, Eunbi expertly noticed the unusual edginess in her friend’s nodding and lost gaze, so using the time it took to get to the beach through the route she knew best, she let out every single thought that passed her mind. Just as the dynamic between them was often like, but this time it served as a way to distract Jeongguk; and it did. The boy chuckled there and then at various comments, adding to them too. He laughed loudly when Eunbi admitted she brought some strawberries and water, just in case, and called her a dumbass. They then proceeded to have a meaningless argument about it, all while he took note of how the girl’s skin seemed to prickle with the soft wind, and laid his hoodie on her shoulders. They had a subtle way of caring about each other, which nonetheless never went unnoticed, but still not really mentioned.

1 a.m. was dark, darker than they’d ever witnessed, and if it wasn’t for the tall buildings behind them, the beach would have been completely surrounded by obscurity. The closer they got to the sea, the more the moon also helped reduce such blackness, with its light reflecting in the water. The pair sat down on the sand, picking the spot they had claimed as theirs during one of their many beach days on the hottest days of summer. There wasn’t much talking now, both of them eager to start the final and main part of the plan, but none of the two brave enough to break the seal.

Eunbi wrapped herself around Jeongguk’s hoodie, her knees to her chest and her chin to her knees, observing the boy sitting by her side with a playful smile dancing on her lips. Her nose scrunched tenderly when he reciprocated it, and her voice was suddenly small, “You want a strawberry?”

”You dragged me all the way over here to eat strawberries?” He chuckled at the girl’s out-of-character embarrassment and lightly shoved her shoulder, getting a lively giggle out of her. She shrugged, putting up her best innocent act, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jeongguk didn’t say anything while he unzipped his backpack and took the main character of the night out, a bottle of Absolut Vodka, the one that had scared the boy less out of the whole collection, its liquid clear like water and seemingly free from danger. Who knows, maybe it also tastes like water.

He was proved wrong not much later, when he brought his mouth to the rim and gulped the first sip, its burning taste firing up his throat, then extending to his chest and finding home in his stomach. Jeongguk emitted a loud groan, eyes squeezing shut with the force of the foreign feeling, and distanced himself from the bottle to cough. The younger one had watched the whole scene with big eyes, unconsciously following every movement of his with her head, attentively studying his reaction and then laughing at his disgusted expression. She stole the bottle from his hands and repeated the same actions.

Unexpectedly, she accepted the sensation much better than the older one, only shaking her head fast in hopes the liquid would go down rapidly, and then taking another huge gulp right after. Jeongguk snatched the bottle from her hold to clasp it to his chest, his brows furrowed, “Woah, slow down there.”

”If I focus on how shit it tastes, I will never get drunk. Let me finish it,” her eagerness triggered Jeongguk’s competitive side, bringing him to swallow down a bigger amount than he had seen her sip, gulping loudly and then standing still, as if to prove a point. See? It doesn’t affect me either, that’s what his eyes were screaming. Of course, Eunbi didn’t back out, a silent race starting between the two the moment she claimed the bottle again and looked him right in the eyes while drinking. Jeongguk laughed too loudly, but he couldn’t control it, “That’s how it is?”

In between sneers and roasts, the competition went on until Eunbi announced her whole world was spinning, and the liquid covered a little less than half of the bottle. Jeongguk felt irrational contentment brimming his mind, making his body feel light yet still shaken by adrenaline. Unlike his friend, he could at least form coherent sentences, though. He had regulated the amount of alcohol he was ingesting, so that he could ensure one of them could still lucidly operate in case anything happened. He had also pulled the bottle away from Eunbi’s mouth multiple times whenever she would overdo the quantity she was drinking, but he figured it still affected her way more than it did him.

Indeed, a whole 10 minutes had passed of her munching on those strawberries she just had to take with her while walking in circles around Jeongguk’s sitting figure. Before going on that ritual-like path, she had also tried one of the two canned beers, and the littlest sip of it had made her declare it as the worst beverage on earth. Jeongguk didn’t mind it, surely liked it more than the clear vodka, but made sure to empty the opened can and hide the other in his backpack, in case his very tipsy friend wanted to try some more.

From his sitting position, he looked at her grinning when she would share bitten pieces of the red fruit with him, while still keeping up the constant walking and the random babbling. In the midst of it, she would also laugh to herself, and then resume her muttering, making the boy laugh as well with no exact knowledge of what she was saying. He just went along with it, didn’t get what was so funny but figured he was too tipsy to entertain meaningful conversation.

As he kept observing her, he saw her look up at the sky, the movement too fast for her spinny head, “Ouch.” She squeezed her eyes shut and quickly reopened them, only to be welcomed by black patches appearing and disappearing from her vision. Then, the starry sky is what she saw; the moon was next. She laughed at that too, spinning around a few times with her arms wide open.

Jeongguk does find a reason to laugh along with her now, his friend acting too silly his heart feels content just watching her, ”You look so dumb. What are you even doing?”

Giggles are her first response, followed by her suddenly sitting down on the sand, on the spot next to him. Jeongguk noticed some of the strawberry juice had dripped down her chin, so he cleaned it carefully with his thumb until there was none. She hiccuped, “Gguk, I think- I think I love the moon.” The sudden admission was out of context, but he accepted it. A little over an hour had gone by at that point, but once again she assumed the position she was in when they first arrived, knees to her chest and chin to her knees, with that same soft smile directed at him, only with sleepier eyes.

With the hand that was already close to her face, the older one moved some of the locks that were blocking her vision, then gently placed them behind her ear. He melted at the pleased expression on her face, her eyes gently closing. Jeongguk had always felt a sense of protection in her regards, just like a brother would to her sister. He wasn’t much older than her, but he still felt like he needed to be someone Eunbi could lean on and look up to. He followed along, nodding, “Yeah? You do look like the moon.” The tender moment seemed to have been interrupted by his comment. Her soft smile was replaced by a frown. Huh? Did he say something wrong?

With Jeongguk seated next to her, she turned to fully face him (the fast movement probably causing her head to hurt again) and furrowed her brows, “You do realise that’s not a compliment,” the same confused expression was now mirrored on her friend’s face, so she kept explaining, “You’re saying my face is round and puffy.”

The boy sitting cross-legged also fussed so he could be directly in front of her, facing the tipsy girl when he smirked, “Your face is round and puffy, Bee.” The grin turned into a full laugh when she hit his shoulder with a stronger force than usual, making him stumble. At that, she shoved him again, intent on making him fall on his back.

”What the hell? No, it’s not.” When she realised how weak alcohol was making her, she backed down from her mission and instead sat on her heels and crossed her arms, annoyed by the stupid smile on his face. She narrowed her eyes, “If anything, you look like a coconut. Fuck you.”

The boy feigned his shock, the act quickly being revealed by his uncontrollable giggles. The alcohol was getting her way sassier, and she was already too mouthy for his liking. Still, he was never intimidated by that, instead living off these moments just to make fun of her and wind her up further, “Should I call you Dal? My little Boreumdal?” His sickeningly sweet mocking voice was aggravated by his tickling under her armpit. She swatted him, “You’re being disgusting. I’ll throw up everything I drank on you.”

”I dare you Dal,” he wiggled his eyebrows and shortly after he figured that was the last teasing comment he could allow himself to throw at her before being pushed fully to the ground this time and receiving harmless punches on his stomach, which made him burst into lively laughter. The sand was getting in his hair and all over his clothes, but he didn’t care, his only goal being winning the nth fight between them, “Ouch, Dal stop-“

“Don’t call me that!” She was fully screaming at him now, her vodka breath fanning over his face while she kept tossing him on the sand, giggling along, “Stupid coconut.” Between laughs and jabs she didn’t realise how close they got, Jeongguk also working his way to free himself from his spot on the ground, resulting in her determined attitude trying to block him by sitting on his stomach and pushing his shoulders down.

However, when she felt his hands on her wrists, the contact triggered sudden awareness in her mind, registering the compromising position they were in, her whole face changing colour. With her movements being haltered, Jeongguk also seemed to notice the quick change in her expression. After a moment of silence, of her staring big-eyed in his starry eyes, a tipsy 15 year old Jeongguk could only come up with, “This is the first time I’m seeing a red moon.”

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

It’s the echo of her voice, yelling Shut up! in his face that startles him awake. When he takes in his surroundings, he relaxes in the bed again. Jeongguk was right when he predicted how hard the simple act of falling asleep would have been, following being so close to the cause of his nightmares after years. He checks the time displayed on his phone, 6:08 a.m. His alarm isn’t set to go off for another hour. Sighing, he’s aware trying to get some more sleep after it had failed to find him would have been useless, reason why he goes on a staring contest with the ceiling.

It becomes a canva for his running mind, which projects the last image that he saw behind his closed eyelids: Eunbi’s face being centimetres to his, her head crowned by a shining white full moon. He’s unconscious of the smile creeping up on his mouth, but when he feels its sides twitch it turns into a deep frown. He hates his own brain for doing this to him, but is also aware the girl coming back so strong and unexpected in his life played a huge role.

It’s not like he was ever confident with the possibility of fully forgetting about her. How does one forget about the moon? But he could still say he had done a great job at keeping her locked in one dark room in the back of his mind; until not more than three months ago, when she showed up beside Dahye, her big smile greeting the rest of the group, but breaking in pieces when she spotted him. Had it been such a disgrace for her?

Jeongguk can’t blame her if she felt like that, because after an initial, very brief moment of surprise, excitement and sparks, he was surrounded by doom. It had been gruelling battling against the kid inside him, probably confused as to why his first instinct wasn’t to hug his Dal. It’s as if that version of him got stuck right in the place he was left, and when he saw her again he wished to pick up from where they had stopped, never having gotten closure. Last night would be an example: the urge to keep an eye out for her, care for her safety. It’s like telling a child Santa Claus isn’t real, and watching his world break. But Jeongguk needed the kid in him to be faced with the truth badly, before a light gets switched on in that dark room of his brain he keeps her in, and next thing he knows she finds the key to open it and escape.

That truth being the fact that everything changes, and people do too. Although, compared to the first time he saw her drunk, he wouldn’t say there were any changes: she would still mutter incoherent nonsense under her breath, and laugh for no apparent reason. And it had the same effect on him, pure amusement and adoration. But this time, he couldn’t let himself indulge in it.

Jeongguk can’t stand his brain being manipulated so easily by his heart, and rather having to sit helpless while witnessing such conflict, he figures he can start his day ahead and get up from his bed. What awaits him is a train journey to Busan in exactly two hours. With summer break starting, he had concluded he could use the most of it to be with his parents, starting by the weekend ahead. He’s fairly excited to be in his hometown again after months, and with the way his mind has been taking him back in time through the memories, he finds it funny how he used to depreciate Busan and fantasise about Seoul, when right now he would do anything to not be surrounded by the capital’s chaos. You truly never know what you have until it’s gone.

Jimin, being also from Busan, had offered to drive him there and go with him, but Jeongguk refused. He’s aware his best friend was just being nice, a leading characteristic of his nature, since he also knows Jimin doesn’t really enjoy being back in his city, and tries to stay away from it as much as he possibly can. The blonde had opened up once to his flatmate, admitting how home wasn’t really that for him. Seoul was his one and only occasion to escape it; he loved it here, and had finally built what felt closest to a home. The fact that Jeongguk is part of it makes his heart swell with joy.

He’s as quiet as ever while he packs the last things in his backpack and exits the flat, making sure the door isn’t shut too loud so as not to wake Jimin, who’s probably going to suffer from the worst hangover as soon as he opens his eyes. Still, the brown haired boy now wearing a baseball hat over his head shoots his friend a text to let him know he’s left the house. A cheeky Don't miss me too much :p is sent after that.

Considering he still has a significant amount of time left before the train leaves (more than he had deduced yesterday, when he had set his alarm at 5 a.m. for 7 a.m. and had gotten even less sleep than that) he picks walking to the station over taking the bus, in fear if he sits anywhere he will fall into deep slumber due to his single hour of sleep and fuck up his whole getaway plan. The walk contributes to waking his senses and shaking off the weariness, his mind finding it especially hard after the previous hours spent in the small suffocating club, swimming in the smell of alcohol and weed, and being surrounded by blasting music.

When he gets to his destination, there’s still 30 minutes left before the train arrives. He sighs while he sits on a bench by the platform, and waits. Two cigarettes later, he figures there’s nothing else he can do but put his earphones to use and play the first album in his recently played. When not even Twenty One Pilots’ Vessel can avert his eyes from batting until they’re slowly closing, Jeongguk forces himself into a staring contest with the nothingness, in hopes the illusion of having to win a fight keeps him awake. Until even then his vision starts to unfocus, and in his zoned out state he feels like passing out on that same bench.

His phone is his last resort, mindless scrolling on social media apparently the only activity capable of avoiding his mind from completely shutting down. When he gets to Instagram, rather than checking the new posts on his feed, he clicks on Dahye’s story popping up as the first one of the list. Stories are a fairly new feature to the app, but he soon came to learn how much his friend loved it, documenting every piece of her life through them. What he didn’t expect, and surely didn’t need, was her recent updates to be a rundown of Eunbi’s recovery from her drunken state last night: firstly, a close up of her baby face, with cheeks covered by smudged mascara and what looked like tears, and a pout so pronounced with furrowed eyebrows; soon after, a sneaky shot of the girl completely bent over the toilet, almost hugging it, Dahye captioning it with her new BFF!; then, an hour later, Eunbi peacefully sleeping surrounded by all sorts of pillows and plushies. Dahye ended the small series with a short apology to her roommate, adding i love u @song_eunbee hehe.

When he realises the unconscious, dumb, stupid, smile on his face, he jerks his head up and shuts his phone, violently shoving it in his sweatpants pocket. Blinking a few times, he also notices how he quite literally almost missed the train, only then registering it had stopped in front of him and was ready to depart again. Jeongguk quickly gathers his stuff and makes his way onto the train, searching for any seat that is close to a window overlooking the outside. He thinks if he can focus on the view for the rest of the ride, he’d be able to shut off the urge to go on a three hour Instagram spiral. He knows he’s so wrong when not even two minutes in, he physically can’t stop his hands from retrieving his phone and looking up song_eunbee on the app’s search bar.

He’s relieved when he clicks on the first account that pops up and finds out it’s not private. In her profile picture her face is half covered by her hand, but the dimple adorning her cheeks doesn’t hide the fact that she’s smiling. He’s welcomed by quite a few posts, varying from landscapes, friends, family, baby photos, random kittens on the streets, club nights, and some selfies. He learns she’s pretty big on Ariana Grande and that she still loves the moon, as confirmed by the crescent moon emoji being the only thing in her bio. He can’t help but foolishly wonder if looking at it at night makes her even subconsciously think of him, and the fact that he kept calling her that nickname even after her protests. A handful of the pictures on her feed portray the moon too, and one of them is captioned with Kat Stratford’s unmistakeable monologue: but mostly i hate the way i don’t hate you; not even close; not even a little bit; not even at all.

Jeongguk was right when he predicted he would be a victim of an Instagram spiral, because for the next hour he studies her posts more attentively, the people she tagged, the people in her comments, the places she visited, the quotes in her captions. He is so consumed by curiosity, and maybe something more (awfully close to envy, anger and misery) that he doesn’t even notice the sleepiness completely dissipating from his body, his mind now running to connect every single pin on the imaginary board his own brain had offered for him to better analyse her account.

Until, after being extremely careful for the entire endless minutes spent on her profile, he accidentally clicks on her story and before he can react, he’s left to stare at the picture until the 15 seconds finish. He blinks. Keeps his eyes shut for a few seconds. Reopens them. Clicks on the story again. Only one side of her face is showing, and beside it it’s her middle finger, on top of it FUCK YOU @dahye.lee96 !!!!!

He shuts off his phone and puts it on his lap, squeezing it in his hand from time to time. He takes deep breaths every one minute. Considers deleting his account, or his whole existence. He doesn’t know what to do with himself now, his eyes closing but not with the intent to sleep. He’s trying to block his flow of thoughts, unsuccessfully.

The incident haunts him for the rest of the trip, causing him to check his phone constantly and contemplating flushing it down the train’s toilet. Only when he sets foot in Busan’s station he’s able to distract himself from it. He sports a boyish smile when he sees his parents’ car parked outside, and bashfully lets himself be coddled by his mom’s praises and his dad’s content grin before driving away. He’s almost 21, most people his age feel too grown for this type of affection, but he will never deny it. That’s enough for him to stop worrying about his earlier slip. It’s still in the back of his mind, though.

Opening the door to his childhood home, he’s greeted by a fawning Gureum, his tail wagging so hard his whole body moves with it. The white Maltese has been the family dog for almost six years now, and giving him a new life after rescuing him from a shelter had cured Jeongguk’s loneliness and heartbreak; he hopes it did the same to the dog. He blocks out all kinds of noises and questions from his mom while he spends the first ten minutes in his house entertaining Gureum’s zoomies, using a sickeningly sweet tone that is only reserved for the small pet. To the point Gureum almost looks like he’s had enough of being called a good boy, feels like he can confidently reply to who’s the best boy ever? with the correct answer. Me! He just barks.

After settling his stuff and catching up with his parents on university and life in Seoul (he doesn’t mention that Eunbi is a new entry in his friend group, yet) he spends the whole morning in between naps, sleepiness eventually catching onto him. He dozes off after lunch, his tummy full and content with his mom’s cooking, which he had dearly missed, and ends up sleeping for more than intended. Next thing he knows, it’s 5 p.m. and it takes him some time to readjust to the reality surrounding him. He drags his feet to the kitchen to retrieve a snack, only to sit again, this time on the couch, Gureum finding home on his lap. The sleepyhead is close to spacing out again while munching on some Peperos, until his dad asks for help, his voice coming from upstairs.

Jeongguk finds out his most recent obsession has been decluttering, and that’s what he was called over for. His dad had collected old stuff that belonged to Jeongguk in two boxes with the intention of getting rid of it, but he still wanted to make sure there was nothing his son still needed, or valued. The boy is glad for such consideration the moment he spots his old Samsung camcorder in between worn plushies and damaged toy cars. He can’t imagine what would have happened if he wasn’t there; he figures the camera would have probably got thrown away, with his dad’s eagerness. He gets sensitive over it, entertaining a small argument with his father about it and forgetting the task he was supposed to complete, instead returning to his room to check on the camera’s contents.

Leaving the door ajar, he can still hear his dad’s faint voice calling for him and asking for truce, and even if Jeongguk’s little fit of anger is already over, he is too enthralled by the device to acknowledge any other sound around him. It had been a while since he last picked it up, not only because ever since he started university the boy had managed to afford better equipment for his short films and casual moments of inspiration, but also because what is stored in there could potentially break the thin line of sanity he has been walking on for the past weeks.

The first videos he’s met with make him chuckle, his big 10 years old eyes reflecting in his equally wide 20 years old ones, still sharing that same love for filming and blabbering on about his passions and ideas. With time, the contents captured by the camcorder changed, from video diaries of family trips and shared meals, to dramatic storytellings starring any toy that could be put to use. He can see the exact moment he began developing a bigger interest for directing, and his various attempts at finding new original shots and angles put a sweet smile on his lips.

Until, one particular clip marked an important switch, and the introduction of who soon after became the main subject for the rest of the images filmed on the device. From the moment she met him, Eunbi had been a constant presence anytime he would hit record on the camera. Their very first encounter is documented by it, when Jeongguk had forgotten to stop the recording, too startled by the sudden changes occuring right in front of his eyes; nevertheless, it resulted in a pure, authentic fragment that he’d never been able to replicate. There is no way to, the earliest smile she directed at him was captured by those lenses, and that started everything which followed.

He can spot the point in which they eventually got tired of making up stories to play out through their toys, even with the addition of Eunbi’s impressive Barbie collection. They also tried replacing the dolls with their own selves, but changing outfits and makeup for every single clip was only fun for a short while. Four episodes later, the both of them left the telenovela they had started taping unattended, and looked for a new reality to portray, even if it was always only for their own eyes and enjoyment.

Jeongguk was searching for something more simple than cliffhangers and plots. He now remembers how even his little self would always go back to that initial scene that saw them together for the first time, Eunbi’s small voice greeting the camera with the sun beginning to set behind her. He wanted his shots to be characterised by that same unadulterated, filtered feeling.

That is most probably what led him to start a documentary about their friendship, just what he had said behind the lenses while his best friend tilted her head to the side, sporting a confused look on her features, unaware of Jeongguk zooming in and out on her face (which probably got Eunbi to yell at the top of her lungs later on), “Was I unaware of you being a National Geographic reporter?”

“Are you calling yourself a beast?” Jeongguk could be heard chuckling in the microphone at Eunbi’s incredulous reaction. That was how it would always go between them, a constant back and forth to battle on who had the last word in. The girl just scoffed, clearly scrambling to find a quick reply, but only managing to roll her eyes with crossed arms and muttering something close to says you. It seemed the older one was ahead, for now.

Jeongguk grins at everything that follows next, and he tells himself it’s because he’s amused by his younger self’s manners, but it’s not like those were the main subject of his shots. He quickly comes to terms with the fact that if he wants to keep scrolling through the videos, he’d have to be constantly faced with Eunbi; there is really no way of escaping it. Jeongguk had underestimated the amount of clips portraying her, to the point the idea of a documentary seemed more like an excuse to film his friend. Make her his first muse. It was Eunbi playing, doing her hair, secretly trying on her mom’s clothes, blowing candles on her birthday cakes, revising for tests, baking Christmas cookies, coming up with friendship jingles; and everytime, she seemed so natural, as if being in front of a camera was all she was ever created for. She insisted she always wanted to be a teacher, though. He wonders if that changed.

He doesn’t know how much time he spends crouching on his desk with the recorder in his hands, but he knows it has to be hours when he gets to a close up of Eunbi’s face, her sleepy eyes and sheepish smile immediately taking him back to the night that infested his dreams hours earlier in his bed, his assumption being confirmed when he can see the sand extending behind her figure. At that point, he figures the relatively small amount of alcohol they had drank had already dissipated from their bodies, only leaving them feeling hazy, but in a good way. The wind makes it hard to decipher their slurry dialogue, and he misses the reason why Eunbi suddenly stole the camera and pointed the lenses at him. It makes him realise how little he showed himself in front of those. His timid smile probably gives out why: contrary to his friend, he wasn’t a natural. Still isn’t. He works better behind them.

He rewinds the clip a few times, curious as to what they were talking about. He can faintly hear Eunbi mention how that scenario looked so much like the drawing Jeongguk was working on that same afternoon. He doesn’t remember what it was, wishes he still had it. Then, the girl balanced the camcorder on the half empty bottle of vodka and stood, struggling to bring the older boy up with her. Now next to each other, Eunbi looked like she was instructing Jeongguk how to pose, and he figures she was trying to recreate that same doodle. She laughed hard when the boy shoved her, visibly annoyed with being moved around, more so with the girl seemingly repeating something again and again in his face. Her voice got louder, but the recording couldn’t quite catch it. From her lip movement, it looked like she was saying Put this in your movie! Put this in your movie! Jeongguk giggles. Was he already working on something? He wishes he could return to that moment to know, and maybe stay there for some more just because.

The boy is startled by sudden soft knocks on his door, jerking his head up and placing the camera on the desk, his hands sweaty from holding it for such an endless amount of time. He hums, signalling to come in, and he smiles when it’s his dad timidly peeking out and lifting his brows expectantly. Jeongguk giggles, “Dad, I forgive you.”

The older man sighs with way too much energy, exaggerating his relief and then coming to his son’s side. He smiles, ruffling his hair, “Are you hiding a girlfriend from us? This thing keeps going off,” handing him his phone, he cackles when he sees Jeongguk’s panicked expression. He must have left it on the couch earlier. And what does his dad mean with “girlfriend”? Phone going off? Does this have to do with him viewing Eunbi’s story? Is she publicly shaming h-

“Anyways. Dinner is almost ready, Gguk.” His dad pats the still alarmed boy’s shoulder and exits the room. As soon as Jeongguk hears the door close, he dashes himself on the phone and unlocks it. It keeps pinging with texts from his friends’ group chat, but there’s no new notification from Instagram. He releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding, but his relief is short lived when he comes up with another thought: was he that irrelevant to Eunbi? She didn’t even think of requesting his account? He frowns.

His initial idea was to quickly scroll over the messages as to join his family downstairs, positive it was probably just going to be either Seokjin sharing awful unfunny memes or Hoseok updating the group on the next possible catastrophe looming over human beings. He furrows his brows when, instead, he’s met with the whole group chat coming at Jimin, for no apparent reason, after his own name was mentioned.

Jiminssi, 7:48 p.m.

heeeyyy so…. ggukkie’s bday is very soon guys

Dahye, 7:50 p.m.

jimin.

Yoongi hyung, 7:50 p.m.

Park Jimin.

It’s in two weeks

Jiminssi, 7:51 p.m.

what

im just saying

its gonna be exciting!

Dahye, 7:51 p.m.

shut your mouth rn.

Joon hyung, 7:52 p.m.

Bro I thought I could trust u w this

Jeongguk is even more confused when, as he goes on reading, his friends keep brutally bullying Jimin, going as far as threatening to ban him from the next club nights out that he himself had planned. He chuckles at his friend’s misery, but soon remembers he is somewhat involved in it. He pouts, angrily typing.

Jeongguk, 7:58 p.m.

What is this about

Hobi hyung, 7:59 p.m.

baby it’s nothing

Jeongguk, 7:59 p.m.

???

Its not nothing

I wanna know

Like the baby he truly is, he keeps spamming the chat with messages to make himself noticed, until he sees Jimin’s texting bubble going on and off.

Jeongguk, 8:01 p.m.

My dear jimin what is it

I know you wanna tell me 🌀🌀🌀

Jiminssi, 8:02 p.m.

WE R GOING CAMPING FOR UR BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

The next thing displayed on his phone is an incoming group videocall from Namjoon, but Jeongguk remains still staring at himself on the screen for more seconds than necessary, registering the sequence of events that had just occurred. Camping? His birthday?

He slides to answer the call, and he giggles at the imminent chaos he’s welcomed with, all his friends throwing shade at Jimin while he just laughs along with his roommate. As all the members keep joining, he still doesn’t notice a certain someone missing.

”Was this supposed to be a surprise?” Jeongguk finds it hard to stop his laughter, both because of Jimin’s incapability at keeping secrets, but also — and mainly — because of the excitement he feels at the news just revealed to him.

”Well, duh. Jimin just had to ruin it,” It’s Dahye who replies, and Jeongguk can see the indignation on her features even in the little pixelated box she’s now displayed in. She then proceeds to entertain an argument about it with the boy she mentioned, and as everyone just listens and tries to excuse Jimin’s reasoning, Jeongguk searches for Taehyung on the screen. When he finds his eyes, he’s already wiggling his brows and the younger boy silently chuckles, mirroring his actions. It’s been a couple months since the two of them started suspecting something going on between Jimin and Dahye, even with the former always denying it. What is undeniable is the tension between them, though. It is showing right at that moment.

Jeongguk decided to intervene, having to raise the volume of his voice to be heard over the soon to be (in his and Taehyung’s opinion) lovebirds, “Guys, guys. I’m not mad. This is amazing. Thank you, really. Are we the only ones going?”

He questions just because in the last period they were often times joined by Seokjin’s girlfriend, as well as a couple of Dahye’s friends, and he genuinely enjoys their company, would be totally okay with them being present to celebrate his birthday. Seokjin himself speaks, “Sora is coming, and I think Iseul and Aera are also gonna be there. Oh, and of course-“

”Guys!” His phone tings, signalling a new person joining the videocall. It’s Eunbi. Oh. He almost didn’t consider the fact that she is most probably going to be invited too. Well, obviously. From what her camera is showing it looks like she’s outside, more specifically waiting at a bus stop, headphones on, “Sorry, I just saw the texts. Jimin, why the fuck would you do that?”

As the topic of the conversation moves once again on Jimin being awful at secrets, Jeongguk dissociates for a minute, no longer giggling along. He realises this would be the first birthday of his he shares with her by his side after years. He’s not sure how he feels about it. Can only sense a nervous sensation travelling his body, and making him feel uneasy. His furrowed brows and sudden silence don’t go unnoticed by Jimin, while on the other side Jeongguk surely doesn’t seem aware of his internal battle showing on the outside. He can’t let one person ruin his own birthday. He just has to ignore her. How hard can that be?

When he returns to the reality surrounding him again, he absent-mindedly listens to the others talk and can only distractedly pick up that the attention has been shifted to a complely different matter, Eunbi seemingly finding it funny assuming from her loud pearly smile. He frowns, his confidence wavering. It doesn’t look like it’s going to be easy to ignore her. Still, not wanting to dwell too much on it at that moment, leaving it for his future self to worry about, he leaves the call not before thanking his friends again. He misses Eunbi’s fond smile as the others shower their baby with praises, dismissing his gratitude with this is the least we could do for you, Ggukkie boy.

When he joins his mom and dad downstairs, it’s oddly quiet as they eat. Gureum places himself under the table and sighs, laying his head on Jeongguk’s feet. The boy can perceive the eerie atmosphere, so he asks about Gureum’s health and shows genuine interest when his dad updates him on the dog’s improvements. His mom, however, defines herself as an expert when it comes to her only son. She can spot even the tiniest change in his demeanour. Still, she knows to be delicate when asking about it, “Is everything okay, honey?”

Jeongguk stills with the fork in his mouth, looks at his mom with wide telling eyes, then nods. He hesitates, gulping down the previous bite, “Uh, my friends and I are going camping for my birthday.”

His mother smiles a big one, “That’s nice!” She seems aware something is being left out, so she inquires further, “But…?”

The questioned boy plays with his food while still munching on a big bite of it, “I guess I kinda forgot to mention it,” he starts, trying to mask his embarrassment by talking with his mouth still full. When his mom glares at him, he forces it down, “But, huh… Eunbi is in Seoul. And she’s Dahye’s roommate, so she’s coming too.”

It’s his mom’s turn to be silent. She looks like she’s taken aback, her mind working slower than usual to register a name she hasn’t heard in a long while, “Eunbi as in Song Eunbi? Our neighbour?”

Jeongguk unconsciously furrows his brows. The girl hasn’t been their neighbour for years, and never will be again. He doesn’t know why such a simple definition of her makes him feel edgy, “Yeah, our old neighbour.”

”Right… Well, that’s good, no?” Mrs. Jeon tries to lift up the atmosphere, even while knowing the mentioned girl could still be a touchy subject for the boy. When everything happened, a piece of him had been taken away with Eunbi’s sudden departure. There was seemingly no way to mend his heart, and as time went by Jeongguk closed up more and more every time his old friend was brought up, to the point she was never mentioned again, as if she had never existed. That illusion seemed to help the boy move on. His mom is not sure how her son feels about it now, but she unknowingly figures the scar has to have healed after all those years, and maybe seeing Eunbi again even brought her son to the closure he needed. When Jeongguk just nods, she hopes that is the case. His mom smiles, ”Invite her over sometimes?”

“… Yeah, mom. Huh, I will.”

[ultimategenshintournament]

Ultimate Genshin Tournament: Round 5

Propaganda below cut

Venti:

calls the Traveler "his warrior" plus he's like our long-time friend??? He basically asked us out during the alchemy event???? You can choose to bring him up during the fight with Signora????? He's the best idc

He. Is. Amazing. So many layers, so interesting...So much trauma and potential...Not to mention look how AWESOME he is generally!!! He's kind and caring towards everybody, and also carefree and mischievous!!! How can you not love him??

he’s TOO GOOD for this world- he’s just a little guy!! Like he cares for his nation and the people of Mondstadt SO MUCH it hurts when people say he doesn’t. Like, my poor trauma-driven little mega-powerful war god who’s actually just a tiny little wind spirit honoring his dead friend!!!! I love him so much

his lore means he gets brought up almost every patch. he convinced a bunch of the most lethal women in Teyvat to have tea instead of screwing him up. he would always rather take the path of least resistance. he’s the three time best bard in Mond. he never seeks glory, only wishes to offer it to others. he was a better father to Diona than her real one five minutes into meeting her. he gives Glory whispers of what the world looks like so she can navigate. when a nun of his own church denied his identity he decided to run a heist to steal back an item that is only holy because it is his. he keeps his misery and loneliness trapped within, and does his best to bring joy to every person he meets. how can you not love him? 

He's Venti. How do you beat that? Answer: you don't. You can't. 

they say that an nation is most like their archon but is the anemo archon a god that took after the people's traits or did the people take their archons traits (the only correct answer is that venti took after old mond's people traits and it's so disgustingly sweet, he's a lil baby who cared so much that he kept old mond's wishes heard and their dream a reality — of freedom (without a god, as much as he could) where humanity leads trust. he left mondstadt because he trusted that humanity would do that right thing always but then he got betrayed by the Lawrence clan but he forgave them???! the anemo archon gave them no punishment , but mondstadt did . venti has me ugly crying

Kaeya:

He's cool, he's mysterious, he wears an eyepatch, he has a super tragic backstory, he's good with kids, he takes care of his friends, what's not to love!!!

despite all the hardships he’s suffered, he’s still such a kind person 

This is the character of the everyman. Everyone should love Kaeya because he's with you no matter what. He has the great mystery of his origins and his damage with his family and his brother, but he is with you til the end. That's what makes him so special to me

Furina:

girl deserves therapy and hugs and the best life in the WORLD because oh boy she went through a lot!!!! wouldn't pretending to be a god for 500 years with no support mess you up? and yet she still kept on going for her people!! she wanted to save her nation from a doomsday prophecy and she DID

After act 5 she deserves the world :(

“If all the people of Fontaine are on one side, and I am on the other…is it not obvious where the scales of suffering should tilt?” NO IT ISNT YOU’RE JUST ABNORMALLY SELFLESS AND INCREDIBLE AND PERSISTENT. Even the Archons praise Furina’s name and say she is a human with strength and capability worthy of an Archon. That’s not even to speak of Focalors. She snapped at Arlecchino only when the Harbinger implied that Furina had done nothing to preserve her people from the flood. Meanwhile every minute she was working to prevent the prophecy. A month after we took her to court and almost got her killed she agreed to help us direct a play, a favor for a favor

[malwaredykes]

the untapped Enemy Of The State Potential is one of boones best funniest traits tbh like ok since im in charge of Awesome Flawless FNV Remake Available Exclusively On My Beautiful Mind im rewriting boones personal #journey arc primarily by expanding on it because i mean yeah fatalistic thinking and the question of agency vs authority and having to live with having done something inexcusable and The Denying Of Closure are good themes but to me theyre not enough here. that lack of closure about something that really intrinsically can never entertain the idea of closure is all well and good, but... lets keep going lets put a pin in that. lets turn once again to boones potential for becoming wanted by the ncr government. boone i know you want to go apeshit. its time to admit that its always been about the system youd been conditioned into never questioning and which you continued to mentally cling to as you felt there was no other purpose or direction to your existence in the wake of all the disastrous events in your life. but its time to develop a grasp on your agency as a human being boone. and yes some of that is going to make you feel worse because, Well. The Complicity. bitter springs. but you know what, it is also freeing and the right thing to do. release your inhibitions feel the rain on your skin. youre already there just look around you. youve cut the ropes that held you back, now its time to rip and shred the ropes that still are wrapped around you. its there. youve physically gotten out. and its time to evolve. "now if iiiiii were to assassinate the president 🤔" i know you want to. im not saying you should but i know youve thought about it before. "guess that settler was well-connected" yes isnt that fucked up i know you think thats fucked up. and oh your friend the courier just did something fucked up at mccarran and all these ncr soldiers and staff are trying to shoot them? of course its the courier youre defending when faced with the immediate choice i mean if its between "fuck the ncr. die" and "fuck the person im ride or die for because theyre a force of destiny that entered my life to change it one way or another and now i care about them deeply. die" well of course youre choosing the path of Leave My FACKING FRIEND Alone You Beasts. but of course the situation doesnt have to be this immediately dire. it doesnt have to stem from an immediate danger to your new object of loyalty. we dont have to let it go down this particular route. no need to have something this drastic happen. you can reach this conclusion simply by giving into the desire youve repressed for years to go apeshit at the ncr government and every arm of its hegemony. that bubbling rage? that "if i let this fester inside me im gonna do a fucking murder-suicide about it"? that in a certain timeline you do in fact end up doing a murder-suicide about? thats not just hateful desperation. thats a feeling, hitherto bottled up and unrefined and volatile, that you should allow to breathe and photosynthesize and grow into something beautiful and true and let it blossom and bear fruit. boone, there is no need to feel alone and helpless and directionless in your unfulfilled desire to cut the umbilical cord.

so. enough rationalizing things as rotten spots and necessary burdens in an otherwise inevitable righteous system, you knowwwww thats pure bullshit. my advice, do some reading. reading is fundamental, and luckily for you, you literally know a very literate anarcho-communist. i can guarantee you that you could walk up to arcade and be like "👉👈 hi gannon soooo i want to get into critiques of capitalism and of the military, and into anarchism and other leftist theory. i want to know about Other Ways to run things. could you give me some recommendations? for books and essays and so on. thanks" and he would be like "boone, yes. Absolutely. yes. i will prepare a reading list for you. gosh." and youll be given a stack of books, with notes and a directory. however, if you two are currently on really bad terms to the point where he doesnt wanna talk to you at all, hey, theres other followers of the apocalypse that would be happy to help. providing education is literally one of their main things. either way, youll finally feel vindicated about things that used to make you feel like you were just going insane. boone you werent going insane you were in fact being onto something. baby that time you saw an ncr military police on the strip facing away from you and there was a loose brick on the ground and it was calling to you like the green goblin mask? that time you were at camp forlorn hope and folks kept saying shit like "that red beret is looking good soldier" and you didnt respond or even look at them because you were focused on containing the urge to grab them by the shoulders and start shrieking? well you see those are actually instincts that tell us you have potential. you have the power to end these patterns. you want to. you need to. thats where you should go. theres a world of ideas waiting for you to tap into and be liberated by. you have nothing to lose but your pitiful pension (you can even keep the beret like who cares). there is so much you can do. its not about allegiance or moral debt or soothing personal guilt, its about doing the right thing. there are so many paths in front of you. also youre trans. like, that one also isnt just you going insane, its real and its right and its you, you are transgender

[angelicvee]

anyone else but you chapter 5: you'll have to stop the world just to stop the feeling wc: 2.6 k dont chase after girls in the middle of rush hour.. someone is bound to get hurt

It was just coffee.. Nothing special. Just coffee. Its not like they were going on a date or meeting to unpack every unfortunate event that had unfolded between them. Coffee couldn't fix anything really but it was a start. A beautiful fresh start. Annie stood in front of the mirror, adjusting the collar of her sweater for the third time. It was ridiculous, she thought, to be this nervous about a simple coffee. But it wasn’t just coffee, and it wasn’t just anyone. It was Victoria. What if the brunette made fun of her order like she used to. How would she even process that stupid little laugh she always used to let out after poking fun at the small things. The meaningless habits annie used to have. She always used to get so embarrassed…especially when it came to eating. Victoria ordered black coffee every time they went out, she was definitely just trying to be edgy at first but somewhere along the line it became something she actually enjoyed. On the other hand annie would order some form of caramel coffee that smelt of pure sugar and diabetes. It was the one bit of ‘cheat’ food she got to indulge in…. Though vicky always laughed at her sickly sweet choice Her reflection stared back at her, betraying the flurry of emotions beneath the surface. She glanced over at her phone, the confirmation message from Victoria still glowing on the screen: Can’t wait to catch up, it’s been too long. A small smile tugged at the corner of Annie’s mouth, but it quickly faded. It had been too long. years, in fact. Years since their paths had diverged, since life had pulled them in different directions. Years since Annie had last felt that gnawing ache in her chest whenever she thought about Victoria. —--- “Annie hurry up… its a coffee shop not a runway. Get your shoes on alreadyyy!” victoria called out down the hall, shivering in her slightly oversized jacket as she awaited her friend. It had been what felt like centuries since the duo went on one of their little outings.. Mostly because donna january had been parading her daughter around the pageant circuit like some poor little show pony. The blonde accepted it like she was supposed to. She hated it though. Yes she wanted to be a hero, she wanted to help people.. But these stupid pageants felt like torture at times. And the training she had to endure in order to win was trialling to say the least. The worst part wasnt any of those little things though. It was the amount of distance between victoria and herself. Annie needed that girl like she needed air to breath. Honestly it felt a little suffocating sometimes. Not their friendship.. But the yearning and pining she secretly experienced behind those pretty little eyes of hers.

“Vicky just give me a second.. Please! I cant find my jacket” the blonde eventually replied in a sort of frantic tone. Like this jacket was seriously upsetting her and the fact she couldnt find it would most likely plague her mind all day if it didnt show up soon. The blonde was just like that.. She put a lot of effort into everything.. Mainly because she wanted victoria to notice her. Like really notice her.. Which the brunette already did. In her own quiet way. “Its in my hands.. Now come onnnn im cold and its cold.. And im sure your mom isnt fan of the..cold air rushing through this big open door im desperate to walk out of…!” victoria just wanted to go and spend some time with annie. The blonde was probably her favourite person. They were inseparable.. Well inseparable in spirit. Stan thought it was sweet. He was just pleased victoria had a friend in all honesty. He was however much more aware of the smaller details than ms january would ever be. He had sat through hours upon hours of victoria rambling on about her friend. Sometimes he chose not to ask about his daughter’s day to avoid said rambles.. But that was after long stressful work days, not because he didnt care.

Annie finally made her way down the hall, the heels on her little winter boots clicking against the hard wood floor as she let out a cute little smile and politely snatched her coat from the brunette. “Youre my knight in shining armour” she sang, adjusting her outfit and slipping an arm through victoria’s very casually. It was a friend thing.. Nothing more. *nothing more* she thought to herself, shutting the door behind them both and braving the cold. —---- Annie took a few deep breaths before fighting with her hair. It had too look pretty.. *she had to look pretty for victoria.* She pulled her hair back into a loose ponytail, trying to shake off the memories that had been tormenting her all morning. Hughie’s face flashed in her mind, his goofy smile and earnest eyes. He was a good guy, maybe the best she’d ever known. But even he couldn’t quiet the small voice in the back of her mind that whispered Victoria’s name in the quiet moments. As the supe slipped on her shoes, she felt the familiar weight of guilt settle in her stomach. Hughie didn’t deserve this he didn’t deserve a girlfriend who was so tangled up in her past that she couldn’t fully be present in the now. But how could she explain it to him? How could she explain the way her heart still skipped a beat whenever she thought of Victoria? How could she tell him that even after all this time, she wasn’t sure if she’d ever truly moved on? She didnt really know what moving on felt like if she was completely honest. And truthfully, she didnt really want to find out.

Annie shook her head, trying to push the irritatingly persistent thoughts back into the little mental box she kept them in. This wasn’t the time for introspection. It was just coffee. Two old friends catching up. She grabbed her coat, trying to ignore the way her hands trembled as she buttoned it up. Fumbling over each button as she pondered over silly little memories and worries.

As she stepped out into the crisp autumn air, she felt a strange mix of excitement and dread. What would she even say to Victoria? How would she explain her absence, the way she’d distanced herself all those years ago? Would Victoria even care? Leaves creased and crumpled under the soles of annie’s boots. She chose her timberlands with small patterns embroidered into them. They were actually a gift.. From maeve of all people. The blonde had been so incredibly surprised by the gesture, she dint really think of maggie as an embroidery kind of person.. Although the supe did keep her life on the low.. There was a lot she kept secret.

The blonde arrived at the coffee shop a few minutes early, the familiar chime of the doorbell ringing in her ears as she stepped inside. The warm scent of freshly brewed coffee wrapped around her, but it did little to calm her nerves. She spotted an empty table near the window and made her way over, her heart pounding in her chest. Victoria seemed to put a lot of strain on her poor little heart huh?

Minutes ticked by as she sat there, fidgeting with the edge of her napkin. Her eyes flicked between the city moving outside and the door. Leaves fell outside, drifting delicately to the floor before getting trampled by sudden rushes of people mostly heading to work. Despite attempting to seem nonchalant, the sound of the door opening and closing terrorised the blonde. Sending a jolt of anxiety through her every single time. Finally, the door swung open, and there she was..Victoria. Annie’s breath caught in her throat. Victoria looked... different, but in a way that only made Annie’s heart ache more. She was as beautiful as ever, her dark hair cascading over her shoulders, her eyes sharp and searching as they locked onto Annie’s. For a moment, they just stared at each other, the weight of the years hanging heavy between them.

Victoria broke the silence first, her smile warm but guarded as she walked over. “Annie,” she said softly, sliding into the seat across from her. “It’s good to see you.”

Annie tried to smile, but it felt forced, unnatural. “Yeah, it’s... been a while.”

There was an awkward pause, both of them unsure of how to bridge the gap that had formed between them. Victoria’s eyes flicked down to Annie’s hands, still fidgeting with the napkin, and a shadow of something unreadable passed over her face.

“So, how’s everything?” Victoria asked, her voice casual, but there was an undercurrent of tension that neither of them could ignore.

Annie swallowed hard, forcing herself to meet Victoria’s gaze. “Good,” she lied. “Everything’s... good. I’m, um, well you know about hughie...”

Victoria’s smile faltered for just a fraction of a second, but it was enough for Annie to notice. “He’s great, Annie. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks,” the blonde replied quickly, the word heavy on her tongue. She didn’t know why she’d brought up Hughie, as if saying his name could create some sort of barrier between her and the feelings that were clawing at her insides like rabid animals.

Another silence settled over them, thicker this time. Annie searched for something to say, anything to fill the void, but every thought felt too dangerous, too close to the truth she wasn’t ready to face.

“Victoria,” she began, her voice trembling slightly. “I—”

But before she could continue, Victoria’s phone buzzed on the table, cutting through the tension. Victoria glanced at the screen, her expression tightening, and Annie felt a pang of disappointment that she quickly tried to bury.

“Sorry, it’s work,” Victoria said, her tone apologetic but distant. “I have to take this.”

Annie nodded, watching as Victoria stood up and walked a few steps away to answer the call. She stared out the window, her heart heavy. She wondered if it was possible to drown in emotions. She was sure that was happening to her as she reflected on the pathetic conversation they had been attempting. As she watched Victoria speak into the phone, her expression shifting from concern to something darker, Annie couldn’t shake the feeling that she was missing something, something important.

When Victoria returned, she seemed more guarded than before, her smile not quite reaching her eyes. “Sorry about that,” she said, sitting back down. “Where were we?” there was definitely something victoria had chosen not to delve into. Something she was hiding beneath the surface of those pretty chocolate eyes and false smiles. The woman really had become a mystery, a woman made from years and years of carefully thought out lies and stories.

Annie forced a smile, but her heart wasn’t in it. “It’s okay,” she said, but the words felt hollow. There was so much she wanted to say, but the moment had passed, and she wasn’t sure if she’d ever get it back. She wasnt even sure if she wanted it back anymore

As they continued their stilted conversation, both of them carefully avoiding the topics that truly mattered, Annie couldn’t help but feel that this coffee was just the beginning of something more complicated than either of them were prepared for. Like she had just taken the most stupid leap of faith.. Except her heart wasnt all the way in it. So really there was very little to hope for.

Honestly she had no clue what she was doing. God this felt scarier than the looming blonde threat she faced daily. Annie could confidently say she would pick an elevator alone with homelander over this awkward coffee date in a heartbeat.

“Annie.. Why did you really call me? Forgive me for saying this but.. I just find it hard to believe you really wanted to reach out all of a sudden. I mean its been years” the brunette suddenly spoke up. Her tone sort of cut off from any semblance of emotion. Victoria was always good at hiding her feelings. Annie however didnt have that skill. That was made clear when her eyes glassed up over a few simple words. How pathetic was that?

Victoria felt a little bad for even speaking once she caught sight of her old friend. The girl looked like she had just received the worst news of her life. It was horrible. “Dont get me wrong… im glad you did.. But this feels a little forced doesnt it? Maybe we just need to let the past rest?”

How could she say that? How could she sound so gentle and so reassuring while those vile words spewed out of her?

This wasnt real. Annie found herself pinching her leg subtly, her mouth opening and closing over and over as she struggled to find words. Nothing came out, nothing wanted to. The blonde felt a little tear run down her cheek, then she felt victoria stand. Why was she getting up? Why couldnt she follow her?

“Ill pay.. My way of congratulating you on achieving your dreams..” The congress woman smiled. It was as though she couldnt see annie and her devastated reaction, asthough that was all in the blonde’s head and really she had been smiling along.

It took victoria stepping out in the cold for the blonde to finally move. Scurrying after her, pushing through people. Person after person all just seemed to get in the way. It was like the universe laughing at her from above. Separating them after they had finally found one another. God she probably shoved through a billion people to catch up with victoria.

Victoria could hear the blonde. Well she could hear her heartbeat. The supe could pinpoint that heartbeat in any crowd. Sometimes she found herself listening to it at in the office. She noticed every little change, every slight increase. Sometimes, when it really increased she had to hold back from calling up stan edgar and forcing him to pull his little supe club in line. The congress woman didnt want to hear it though. Not now. Not while she desperately strode through the bustling streets. Tears streaming down her perfectly sculpted face. Hands wiping the crystal streams away as she tried to think of literally anything but the hero.. Who had adverts at what seemed like every turn.

It just got louder and louder until a hand snaked over her shoulder, tugging her back with an unexpected force. Annie probably shouldnt have yanked the poor woman back but.. Well she wasnt thinking straight. Although her adrenaline rush came to a sudden halt as an earth shattering migraine washed over her.

It felt as though her head might explode

“Fuck-!” she whined, pressing at her temples before the pain just vanished. A light ache left in its place for a few moments. “Victoria.. i want to get to know you again. Please just listen to me”

“Annie.. I really think you need to just let go.. This isnt worth it.. We arent worth it.”

fuck if those words were a blade they would draw more blood than the blonde had in her body. They could break the coldest of hearts. “We arent worth it..” she repeated, her eyes welling up again. Hand reaching for the woman’s shoulder as she mindlessly dragged her into the closest alleyway. Annie wasnt thinking. She had stopped doing that a few days ago

[autismcatboy]

a series is not bad just because its pace, themes or focus isnt what you expected. it might not be the show for you.

i love fluffy, tooth rotting romance as much as the next guy. but i dont expect that from i hear the sunspot, because thats not what the story is about.

not every show is going to check every box and ive had plenty of series i stopped after dozens or even hundreds of chapters because as much as i wanted to like it, it just wasnt for me. that doesn't make them bad, because i can understand why people like them.

continued below, spoiler free but addressing specific themes in i hear the sunspot

i love the slow pace i hear the sunspot has. it feels more realistic to how some relationships develop in real life. i love the focus on personal growth, realizing your past biases and where you couldve been a better person but were selfish, presumptuous or inauthentic. this applies to every character in one way or another.

i love seeing the internal conflict, struggling to get your feelings across and wanting to throw in the towel. it isnt easy maintaining relationships as an adult. i have friends i wish i could spend time chatting with every day but it just isnt realistic to expect when we're all working adults with responsibilities we cant get around. ive gone days without talking to people i consider some of my best friends. it doesn't mean we dont care. it isnt always easy to find the time to actually talk, meet up or sometimes even just send a text.

its extra hard to communicate when you have a history of trauma. wether thats an isolated trauma or something prolonged that you havent been able to actually process and come to terms with, it makes it hard to think. sometimes youre stressed and pulled so many different directions by life that things slip away. it doesnt mean you dont care or it wasnt higher on your priorities. we all forget. we all fumble. we all make mistakes. we learn from them.

disability is much more than physical. kohei and maya have obvious physical disabilities but i think the series addresses more than that. trauma can be disabling. many of us dont have great childhoods or relationships with someone who helped us learn how to be decent people. many of us have deep insecurities, that we try to hide. and sometimes the things we do to try and protect ourself hurt us more. we run, we push others away, we get mean. because its easier to say on your terms when someone leaves your life.

it doesnt mean we dont care, when our fears get the better of us. it just means we make mistakes. and making mistakes means we can grow, be kinder to ourselves and others.

i hear the sunspot is about all of these things. a story about overcoming hardship, things that we didnt get to have a say in and cant fix, making hard decisions for yourself for once instead of considering others before you, chosing the unconventional path because it makes you happier, unlearning the things that no longer help us, and pushing through obstacles we dont even realize are keeping us from makes us flourosh. all of this, before being a story about romance.

both of taichi and kohei have a 20+ years of baggage in some form. romance isnt that easy when you have things you carry with you that youve subconsciously pushed so far away that you dont know its not part of you and you can let it go, and that those things make you behave rash, impulsively or like a doormat who just tolerates what people give you.

i understand peoples frustration with the pacing of the relationship in the drama specifically but want to gently point out- we knew how much of the series was going to be adapted and at the very least, it wasnt the whole thing. its fine to be disappointed but to say the series sucks, or has bad writing and direction, or all these other things that just dont line up with what the story is actually for, is just unfair. the story has never had romance as the main focus. does it have a relationship between two men? yes, so it is a bl. by definition, thats all it has. you can criticize the showrunners, directors, executive members for the way they chose to advertise the series setting up your expectations wrongly but it is not the fault of the series for telling the story it exactly set out to do.

its okay to not like a show or drop it because its not meeting your expectations. its not okay to keep coming back every week, when people have been saying what to expect, and then being mad when its exactly that. youre wasting your time and setting a tone that the things people love about the series are wrong. you can let it go.

why would you order soup and then be mad when you get soup?

[prod-svt]

obsessed with seventeen hiphop unit's lyrics that is about their growth and putting haters in their place cause they have their steady growth, firm reputation and overwhelming success to back those up. the bravado and seemingly bragging lyrics comes off so confident that the listeners would agree bc again they have evidences to back up their words.

just like that, you’ll always be behind us. it’s not even a royal flush, don’t need to see it, just need to hear it once (ah yeah, scoups)

they don’t even know what they’re saying, all those barking rabid dogs. i hope you’ll be healed with this verse cause I’m the vet (ah yeah, vernon)

stack up the trophy written in my names in the rack. it's all not enough, i'll be a pioneer in a new path right away. (back it up, scoups)

my name on the headline makes me happy, accomplished it every year. sold out and sold out again, gather those sold out tickets and we can build a castle an instant (back it up, scoups)

made this far got nothing to prove just look back at our footprints (back it up, vernon)

here are my results. i'm the type of to show myself through action that words. look at my workin', i will be rich with my music career only (un haeng il chi, wonwoo)

when everyone just start to depart, i already arrived. chasing the back but when they catch sight of it, that's so far (back it up, mingyu)

passion is our main dish, our goals as free dessert (fire, wonwoo)

even if we go back 10 years, i'll rise up to the top again, my way (fire, wonwoo)

unlike me who have high growing potential, you have none / .... / to compare, im heungboo who's feeling the beat while youre beat deaf even if you try to imitate / from what i see in your actions, you don't thrive at all (lotto remix, wonwoo)

when you were carefully hanging out during that time / i go to the club you went later as a guest, rap and earn money even (lotto remix, mingyu)

im about to do something that nobody has ever done (lotto remix, mingyu)

all you do is eat my leftovers (lotto remix, scoups)

the idiots talk shit on the reviews saying i won't make it but who's the top of hot rookies that people around you picked? yeah it's me (lotto remix, scoups)

"whatever i say becomes reality" such sayings become one of my popular quotes in the far future (un haeng il chi, mingyu)

30 to 100, 100 to 300, 800 then 3000, 7000 and 13000 is near / the stars the scintillating in front of me now but this isnt enough, more (un haeng il chi, mingyu)

been touring domes now havent you heard now stadium tours now. (fire, vernon)

brag binjibteoli* trophy in your hand to your mom / at least bet your pinky, if you have no profit then risk your life (un haeng il chi, scoups)

do you think im crazy? everything i earned in 3 years fill up my fingers. do you think stealing my direction will make me absurd? without making it intense, you're already scared, don't know, nod (loser!) (un haeng il chi, scoups)

the gaze of people looking down at me. when i'm about to get lazy i think of those memories when i almost lower my head. now, im so high. we're no longer at eye-level. all of you who forced our head down when we were younger, bow down! (sukyo, wonwoo)

i look down to all of you, all of you go down. look at me, i'm sold out. i dont hang out with you, it's the truth. i'd rather invest that time. invest that money you earned to me. earn some extra cash for security (sukyo, mingyu)

our manager's phone goes ring ring, it's another invitation call. you guys ghosted us three years ago. you didnt know, you never expected us to get this big (sukyo, scoups)

this is the difference between those who know me and those who don't. all these punks ive never heard of or met always draw up an image of me in their heads to their own liking. why do you turn the spilled rumors and truth into your own useless news for attention (what's the problem, mingyu)

thanks to the envy and jealousy, i feel like i've become the best. i made a comeback during the war and i've become the punk everyone needs to be cautious of (MMO madness maxed out, scoups)

underline my name and memorize it like it had become a reality (MMO Madness maxed out, scoups)

you compare me (to others) while avoiding and running away from me. even if you lose your mind as the number of white flags increases. maintain this feeling (MMO madness maxed out, scoups)

until i am satisfied, everyone is my fuckin' target, surrender everything you have (MMO, scoups)

take the words you have spit out back home, i wont stop you, do whatever you want to do. the talks eventually reach my ears but you can't say it to my face (MMO, mingyu)

we fearlessly enter and whenever we step foot, we make it ours (MMO, vernon)

if you can't handle it, go on and run away. as long as we're holding out here, we're going to take it all. so don't fight (MMO, vernon)

binjibteoli : having comeback when there is no really popular artists to confront, thus avoiding competition and easily winning music awards // MMO lyrics translation

[limpfisted]

So in dnd canon player characters CANT turn into devils. And in fact, if bg3 went by regular rules, wyll would just have been punished by having a few devil features

But the game INSISTS his soul was dragged thru hell and he's a devil now

Tbh this makes no sense bc he doesn't look like any of the many kinds of devils. He just has horns and a tiefling eye

But there are fun ways to play with wyll and being a devil regardless

As well as the fact that his "soul" is owned by a devil

So here's a quick round up of some of my own homebrew wyll is an actual devil now hcs

Wyll is naturally lawful good. As a devil, he is tempted ever more by violence and taking advantage of others, but also "deals." While wyll cannot make a contract himself, he is hungry and greedy for high emotional connection and intimate promises. His own charred, damaged, and sold soul longs to nibble and draw the energy off of others, almost vampirically.

He doesn't act on these feelings. It doesn't mean he doesn't have them. Wyll even before the transformation was a person about control and repression. He thought he could CHOOSE and take advantage of his powers with mizora, the tadpoles, etc. Ironically, it may be his transformation into a devil and the want to make "deals" that helps nudge him in the direction of wanting to deal with mizora more to get out of his contract

Physical symptoms

Devils are hot, devils are smelly. Wyll is not used to his own blood and heat and smell. Its overwhelming. He feels feverish near constantly, he's almost always slightly damp with sweat

The weight of his horns and the new positions he has to sleep in give him headaches, and muscle aches. Hes used to being sore, but this is a new extra level hes not used to

In general I have the hc that bc mizora had a grip on his soul---he felt an icy grip in his chest and stomach all the time that made him feel uncomfortably full all the time, sometimes to the point of nausea

Now he STILL has that, but now he also feels hungry all the time, in a way food can't fill

There's also in general mood swings

Wyll is a very clean person who takes great care of himself and the way he presents himself

As a transmasc person going thru a THIRD puberty of sorts, he is now even more methodical about his skin care routine. He hates how much he sweats and he hates how he smells and he hates that his teeth don't fit in his mouth and he has to practice saying all the pretty things he wants to say even more than he already does in his head

Also its a cop out he turns back into a human, thats boring, these changes are just Forever and he gets used to them

In general I think wyll is growing wings! For a fun treat. Over time, wyll will be able to develop his own powers as a devil. He doesn't have mizora, but also he doesn't need her. He has claws and fangs and can develop his own magic if he practices. He doesn't know how to, so this would be an extremely long process that would probably only take place in his blade of avernus path

Tho he doesn't realize it he is now also functionally immortal except if he is killed in Hell

Why would mizora do this to him, u ask. Give him all this power. Its clearly not just a punishment

Well he wasn't supposed to get out of his contract... it was just a sneak preview of his life when he died and got sent to the blood war. These past 7 years wyll HAS been fighting the blood war as one of zariels minions honestly. I dont think mizora or zariel ever thought he would legimately break his pact. And even if he did. Hes a 26 year old human with a good, good, self sacrificial heart who thinks he can take on any evil and HAS to. Hes easy to manipulate

And furthermore. I think zariel and mizora have been watching "the heart of baldurs gate" all his life just waiting to strike

There are ends for wyll where he's in a pact with a devil, and is a devil, and is the grand Duke of baldurs gate

Even if wyll ISNT the grand Duke of baldurs gate

His father talks about being hellstouched himself now! (A story for another time, he says)

Wylls Origin bio straight up says he's a pawn in a war he doesn't understand

Will we ever know the hells plans for wyll! No! But I doubt even getting out of his pact is as big a wrench in mizora and zariel's plans as we are led to believe. If mizora legit cared that wyll wasn't in a pact anymore. Why is she still fucking here. (Go away no one wants u here wench. But I digress.)

[multifandombullshitbabes]

i love the idea of like. in the au where nigel lives and him n alex run away n shit. and they learn to live together through less than ideal circumstances. how they still dont rly get it, they dont get why they r truly doing all of this.

(this turned out to be way longer than i thought. but oh well. its always the same with good ol me)

like nigel is delusional n believes in smth bigger than him and alex to drive him forwards and give him purpose. he needs to have a destiny and when he finds alex he thinks "oh. oh this is it. i have to show him the truth, this is amazing, alex has to know abt this!". so he only stays with alex in the assumption that that is his destiny and there's nothing else he can do. this is it. he WILL stay with alex.

and alex started by being weirded out, annoyed, but ultimately intrigued by nigel. and then the train thing happened. and then he realized nigel wasn't just some guy who killed animals he just let his friend fucking die in front of him. and he now believes his like intrigue comes from some weird mind connection to nigel, that is bad and that nigel started because nigel is bad and alex is the victim in his mind, so he rejects it as much as he can. he rejects everything nigel tells him n does cuz he cannot face how he can see nigel do all this shit and still be intrigued, interested.

and then nigels parents die. alex kills nigel's dad, and seals his fate in nigel's weird game. he's now an accomplice theres nothing to be done, hes lost. while nigel feels like their path is so fucking clear. its this juxtaposition that rly makes those last scenes between the two so interesting. alex knows he's done for. nigel thinks they've just begun.

so then they run away. because they're in on it together now, alex has no choice but to run away with nigel. nigel just puts this in the "this is meant to be" list for their destiny, their path. and i bet those first months together were fucking ROUGH i mean. running away aside, they were downright volatile with each other. i feel like alex would be explosive and never rly knowing his own mind in the sense that "wtf am i doing with my life" so he takes it out on nigel and blames him for everything. and nigel just takes it because at least theyre together, he just needs to wait 9 months for the maraclea thing and then they can continue with "their" plan.

its fucking chaos, it isnt good, and these boys cannot for the life of them see that they have feelings for each other. thats the kicker.

its another thing that panics alex, that he thinks doesnt make any sense because 1) nigel is a boy (religious trauma lets goooo) and 2) nigel is very fucking unwell. alex feels HORRIBLE, dirty even by his feelings, because of these 2 things and it all makes him hate nigel even more.

and nigel? he doesnt even realize them. he just assumes his need for alex's acceptance, the way it hurts whenever alex screams and glares at him, the way he sort of likes it, but most of all how he cannot get the tiny moments of peace they have out of his mind, that its all just. part of the plan. theyre together, they have a maraclea, everything makes sense. everything else is happening because their destinies r being fulfilled. he never outs 2 and 2 together and says "i have feelings for alex"

and i think theres a BIG, CATASTROPHIC "Oh" moment that really sets them both off, but in opposite directions.

alex in a sort of understanding, a sort of "oh. im not a monster for liking nigel.", a weird kinda of peace of "well we made it this far. theres no point in just pissing in his own cereal. they're here, they're alive, and they're young. so why the fuck not?"

nigel in a total mental breakdown, foundations crumbling, nothing makes sense type of thing. like maybe things arent so simple as he thought, that their destiny is more HIS destiny in the sense that hes the only one that believes in it. but then alex is still here. why? "oh. something went wrong. this is not how it's supposed to go. i fucked up our destinies." like he truly feels like he failed somehow, failed in doing something impossible and not real, and he cant fucking compute because of it.

and i think it happens when they officially know that the police gave up on trying to find them. alex is the most relieved. nigel doesnt care. he needs to go to his maraclea still and he tells alex as such and they have their 1000th argument that day.

they are not going back, alex says. they need to go back, nigel says. to finish it. and alex is so DONE. hes done with nigel's shit, he doesnt even get it, never let himself think much abt the other boys for various reasons, but now? now he MAKES himself think abt it. and alex is intelligent. and he knows more abt nigel than he thought. nigel is just stubbornly clinging onto his og point, they have fates, their intertwined, etc. it all makes sense, im your spade, your my jack, duh. we have a higher purpose, thats why ure here. and its THIS that finally breaks alex and he busts out this:

"im not here because of some made up destiny you believe in, im here because i want to! ME! not Jack, who is dead, Alex! i want us both here, i want to stay here, i wanna keep this!"

and alex finally gets it. because as much as he'd like to pretend like he's hated being on the run with nigel, deep down he knows, he knows because hes seen glimpses of it, he knows he can be at peace with nigel. it would scare him so bad when he felt comfort at coming back to his and nigels place cuz how dare he feel that, thats wrong, everything is wrong. but if everything is wrong than everything is right, and nothing fucking matters. alex realizes that they are SAFE. they escaped. they run away and it WORKED. and theyre both alive. and theres something so calming abt it that it resets alex completely. yh he doesnt truly get nigel. but he wants to. he doesnt want to lose their peace and he doesnt want to lose nigel. and it doesnt scare him anymore. its just what it is. its okay, theyre okay, they will be.

but nigel is not okay. he does not get it. what do u mean you WANT to be here as alex? no, its jack. doesnt matter what they were before they met, those boys dont matter. now he's jack's pike nothing else. he cant understand why alex would cling to an old life where they had no purpose and therefore no reason to keep on living. he does not understand why alex of all ppl, who does nothing but show him how much he hates nigel, would want to stay for any other reason than he HAS to. thats the whole foundation of this, nigel never cared for all the insults n shit because he saw how alex stayed, and how he kept buying nigels fav tea, or how he tried to like dogs more even tho hes more of a cat person. its all for the destiny. for the cause, the order. theres nothing else that makes sense. and nigels never been more lost.

so nigel goes "youre here because you have to be. you have no choice, thats the whole point." and THIS is when alex gets nigel. and hes like oh shit, oh he got rly fucked up growing up huh. and now alex has to try and make nigel understand that no, he is not here cuz he has to, hes here because he wants to. now hes more afraid that if he makes nigel understand that, makes him see that he can just live life without some greater purpose cuz its already so good to be alive, its a fucking gift, hes scared nigel will choose something that tears them apart, like leaving, or full on ending his life, or turning himself in or smth.

so while alex is trying to start that convo, nigel just gets more and more agitated because he can see that alex is not getting it and he needs him to cuz otherwise his life doesnt make sense. and he does smth impulsive and runs out of the door. he needs to be Away. he cant stay inside a place theyve made their own when he thought they understood each other but he doesnt understand anything at all actually.

alex panics, naturally, and they havent gotten phones yet cuz they didnt want any tracking to be done (now they can have it, now that they know theyre somewhat safe) so if nigel is gone, than hes gone for good. and alex tries to follow but nigel screams at alex to stay away. and its the first time nigel's been properly angry at alex. so he stays. and he just hopes that nigel comes back cuz atp what else is he gonna do but probs fuck it all up again.

its pouring rain, and nigel just walks. he just wanted distance but now he panics because hes not supposed to be away from alex, wtf is he doing, but also is alex even his jack? and he jsut spirals more n more, he doesnt even notice hes walking with just socks on.

what if this is still part of their destiny? he clings to that but to his dismay and horror it is way harder than he thought. he was so convinced he knew the way forward but he isnt sure now, so now he looks back at everything he's ever thought ever since he met alex and doubts. he doubts it all. was it ever real? were they even chosen? did he have any purpose? and as much as he clings to "yes" he only truly believes in "no". should he have seen the signs? that he was wrong? was alex right? there was always this competition between them, who was right and who was wrong and both believed they were right. and nigel thought he must be right because he had the books and history to back it up. he believed in all that. and now his parents are dead, and susan, and theyre criminals, and he did it all thinking he knew everything and now he realizes maybe it was all for nothing. but the one thing that he used to think that completely refuted this was alex staying. he never wouldve out of his own free will. why would he? theres no logical explanation. and nigel NEEDS some logical explanation for this cuz it cant be "alex wants to be with him" that doesnt make sense, alex doesnt make sense. jack makes sense. he's solid. why isnt he real? he doesnt understand.

when he goes back its not because hes reached a conclusion. no hes faaaaaaar from it. but his stuff is here and he is attached to his projects, his weak humanity showing through. and alex is still there. and then the weirdest thing ever happens.

alex starts to banter. hes normally all insults that are meant to hurt. but when he calls nigel a "wet rat making a mess of my floor with all that mud" its just teasing. and then he give nigel a change of clothes and "threatens" him to shower or else, but its not really a threat. nigel is very lost, but this is his jack and he'll just. do what he says for now. when he gets his head back on track he can fight back. but sometimes u need to lay low and then come back online. so he showers (alex makes sure the water is warm), he changes, he uses alex's slippers per alex's demands, and then the doorbell rings. hes confused, cuz they dont have any friends or anything, but then alex opens the door and grabs the pizza boxes from the guys hands and pays and its only now that nigel notices hes kinda hungry, and it is late. past dinner time for sure. they have this old tv that barely works but has a dvd player and alex sits in front of the couch with the pizza and tells nigel to "fucking sit down or i'll punch u". so nigel does, and they're watching some old fantasy esque movie that hes not paying attention to cuz wtf is happening. alex eats the pizza, nigel holds one slice and doesnt move. just stares at alex. he notices and asks, honestly, "u dont like the pizza? idk ur tastes that well so i went for basic pepperoni." nigel sees a teenager in front of him and realizes belatedly that only a few months ago they turned 18. alex looks young. he is young. he has sauce on his cheek. and then nigel says "ive never had pizza before" and eats it. and its fine. but then alex laughs at teases him abt him having no life whatsoever, what a loser, and scoots closer to him, and suddenly the pizza its the best thing thats ever happened in nigels life, and he hasnt gotten it yet, not fully, but hes willing to play along and understand it along the way.

its the first time he willingly lets himself to something he just feels like doing. hes never done that before. it scares him. alex leans over him and pats his shoulder with his head and that scares him too. he's seeing alex now, not jack, and all he can feel is how warm he is right next to him, full of blood, and alive and red. its a heady feeling.

and this is how nigel starts to get that there is no otherworldly purpose to life. life just is. and he gets alex as a bonus, isnt that neat.

(they still have a longgggggg way to go to figure out their romantic feelings, but one thing at a time yall)

also: alex being very touched starved and always showing his affection physically, which nigel finds confusing but accepts cuz he lowkey likes it, even if it confuses him a lot. and then he does it back on his own initiative once, cuz he saw alex stare longingly at a couple hugging and holding hands and kissing and he was overwhelmed with a need to show, not tell, alex how much he cares for him. so he wakes up next morning and hugs alex from behind while hes coming back online with coffee and alex almost burns himself. anyways. nigel being confused by tenderness and alex reveling in being able to be gentle with someone finally

[stevethehairington]

sending this as a reply to my ask abt your tommy/stommy hc’s cause either there’s a character limit on replies or my app is glitching.

i love steddie sm and am a very monogamous person so i feel like it’s cheating whenever i read stommy stuff if they’re past a time when steve could be with eddie (no judgement to any poly folks!it’s just not my cup of tea) but i genuinely LOVE stommy hc’s where they’re into each other before steve meets eddie/eddie even shows up on steve’s radar. i’m literally eating up your take on stommy ~we’re just fooling around cause teen boys are horny and have needs~ but with secret feelings.

and don’t get me wrong, i’m a fan of lot of different takes on steve and his queer development. but in a lot of fics his first gay experiences are with eddie (whether he knew he liked men before eddie or not), so it’s fun to think about him messing around with tommy (maybe steve realizes he has feelings for tommy, maybe he thinks they’re just bros bein bros and everyone does this…until eddie’s like hold on i thought you were straight, why are u trying to offering to blow me??) <- sorry i got lost in that hc lmao

your characterization of tommy is so great! i’ve never thought too much on his background other than him and steve being confused baby bi/gays not understanding that their feelings for each other do not fall under the ‘normal heterosexual umbrella’. like your hc of him being a middle child out of five siblings in a divorced household and craving attention wherever he can get it feels so right

also i will 100% check your fics out as soon as i can get a grip on my school assignments. the end of the semester is creeping up and i’m not far off from flying a little too close to the sun when it comes to putting finals prep off. (hope u liked my icarus ref, i still need to read eddie’s book as well lol)

ah, yeah, there is a character limit in tumblr notes. i don't know what the actual number is, but it's definitely not long enough lol and it's SO annoying that if you've got a lot to say you gotta keep breaking it up.

anyways. i can totally understand that! seeing your faves with other people, whether it's individually or together with others isn't always what you wanna see! they are your favorite pairing for a reason, presumably, so it makes sense you wanna see the two of them happy together alone.

whiiiiiiiich is what makes stommy so fantastic, because tommy is really only in the picture before eddie. sure, they were all in school together at the same time, and surely have crossed each other's paths then, BUT in terms of like onscreen canon, by the time we are introduced to eddie, tommy is long gone.

tommy being The First for steve, whether he knows it or not, is literally my f a v o r i t e. like you see all these posts saying eddie was steve's bi awakening or that jonathan was - and those are great posts!! i love those posts!! those are both great concepts!! BUT i am firmly in the camp that there was someone BEFORE eddie, BEFORE jonathan, and that person was tommy.

and like the thing about tommy is there is SO much to work with!!! tommy (and carol too) is SUCH a bare bones character in the show that it is SO easy to take him and run with him. but at the same time, there is just enough little detail and nuance in his character's portrayal that there's SO much to build off of! and because of that you can literally take stommy in any direction you want to!! like, tommy has feelings for steve, but is so unwilling to acknowledge them that he keeps it to himself and suffers silently for the rest of his life only to finally face those feelings years and years later, when its too late, and have to live with the regret of never doing or saying anything about it back then? FANTASTIC! tommy has feelings for steve and makes a move and steve is receptive because he ALSO has a crush on tommy? EXCELLENT! tommy has feelings for steve and makes a move and steve ISNT receptive because he DOESNT share those feelings? DELICIOUS, WE LOVE UNREQUITED FEELINGS! and even MORE delicious - if years down the line steve thinks back on that moment and realizes, no, it wasn't that he didn't feel the same, it's just that he didn't know what those strange feelings were and interpreted them as nonreciprocation when in fact they were the exact opposite!! YES! tommy and steve fool around and never put a name to it because that makes it Real and Real is scary, so it's just a Thing they do that never gets acknowledged, despite the fact that it actually meant A Lot for both of them? GIVE ME A SPOON, I AM EATING IT UP!!! there are just so many flavors of stommy and all of them are SO good.

i'm glad you love the "we're just fooling around cause teen boys are horny and have needs - but with secret feelings" headcanon!! it's genuinely one of my favorites for them (and honestly i love reading that for steddie too! it's just a fun trope in general no matter who it is!!) i just love it when theyre totally OBLIVIOUS to the reality of the situation and to what it actually means to both of them - because it DOES mean something to both of them. they're both under the impression that it's totally casual for the other, but it is, in fact, not, and that kind of miscommunication is just deeeelicious. it's one of my favorite things to see in fics and hcs and stuff when steve has all these really gay experiences and grows up thinking that ALL guys have these experiences only to look back on it and realize oh. OH. that WAS really gay of me.

to your next point, yes!! exactly!! there are a lot of fics that have eddie be steve's first foray into any sort of homosexual activity or queer awakening, and i DO love those, i will ALSO eat those up with a spoon!! but you're so right, it's SO fun to see it where eddie ISN'T his first. like i fully believe that the seeds of steve's queer awakening were sown from VERY early on in his life (aka his relationship with tommy - whether the feelings get acknowledged or not). if steve doesn't realize it back then while it's happening, then he certainly does in the future when he finally looks back on it all and confronts that behavior/those feelings.

i also LOVE the hc that steve has had more queer experiences than eddie. like, i definitely think that eddie figured out that he liked boys way before steve ever did, BUT steve has still had more queer experiences because he never really saw them as that. he thought sometimes kissing your boy best friend was normal - you've got to get your practice somewhere right? or jerking off your boy best friend isn't weird, it's just a hand. it's just convenience. and eddie, of course, is a queer gay virign - the hill i will die on skjfls.

sooooo YEAH steve propositioning eddie and eddie being just absolutely shook by that because holy shit did steve harrington just say he wants to suck my dick? while steve is just sitting there all casual because it's just another friday night between bros for him. LOVEEEE THAT flkjgfd. that is an excellent hc 👏 love it when that kind of thing happens and eddie is like uhhhh dude. that's hella gay. to which steve is like no?? me and tommy used to do that all the time?? and eddies just like steve. my dude. my guy. you and tommy were hella gay with each other. and it's only in this moment that steve like takes a step back and reevaluates all the shit he and tommy got up to and realizes that, holy shit, yeah, eddie is RIGHT. that all WAS very fucking gay. and shit, maybe he DID actually have feelings for tommy back then, huh. that inexplicable feeling back then suddenly makes a whole lotta sense now. (and then ofc steve rolls with that so quickly and goes, so like can i suck your dick or not? to which eddie loses his fucking mind skfjsf.)

thank you so much!!! that means a lot to hear!! characterization is super important to me so that really makes me so happy you think that!! it is my Civic Duty on this good earth to spread the tommy hagan/stommy agenda and open as many people's eyes to it as i can sldjdsfs.

but yeah! like i said, i just love thinking about tommy. i have a degree in psychology so i LOVE thinking about like what goes on in people's brains and what makes them tick and behave the way they do and what their driving factors are and where those might have stemmed from. so applying all of that to my favorite blorbos is a definite favorite passtime of mine lol. i'm glad it could intrigue you too!!

and ahh thank you!! i hope you enjoy the fics when you do get around to reading them! good luck with your school assignments!! you've got this!! (and yess haha excellent icarus ref 👏)

[the-hornedwitch]

While I wear the crown of Theistic Satanist, I am at my heart and soul a Pagan and Animist. 

When I started in The Craft, I joined a Wiccan coven and worked through my 1st degree. Before that, I was always fascinated by theology, folklore, and mythology of North America, Ancient Rome and Egypt. I spent years reading and studying (non academic) about such things, so when I started my path I felt confident in my knowledge of the gods. 

As a baby witch I had a difficult time "connecting" with a God and Goddess. No one seemed to call to me, or ones from cultures that didn't mix well did. Still, "Mom" and "Dad" eluded me. Then I found Baphomet.  Now I had heard the name before, and was aware of their usage as a symbol for Satan within Laveyan Satanism (Atheist). Thankfully, my High Priest at the time was a Freemason and assisted with questions I had. 

As I've mentioned in prior posts, I read a book titled the Baphomet Codex. While I do not adhear to everything in that text, it assisted me with a foundation. Which is as follows. 

Baphomet is all, and nothing. Baphomet is Source, Spirit, Universe, The Force. 

The Divine Masculine is Sammeal. 

When I met Him, it was not the Fallen Angel other Theists see Him as. He was Primordial, dark, unbridled. Very much the embodiment of a Dark Horned God (The Devil) 

The Divine Feminine is Lilith.

The Dark Mother was just that, Primal, beautiful and Dark. I viewed(view) her as The Scared Mother. The snarling she wolf, the deep dark abyss, wreathing Primordial beast. 

Their intensity hit me hard and fast, it was scary and traumatic. Certain aspects of my life started to fall away, and instead of trusting them I held on. Allowing the process of my awaking to them to slow down and almost stop. (More on that in a future post).

Being a Witch, I do enjoy ritual. Whilst studying and practicing Wiccan I simply referred to the quarters as their corresponding elements and titles of "Guardians of [insert direction]" 

After reading the Baphomet Codex and other sources aligned with Demonolatry I found Watchers or Principalities of the quartets. They are as follows. 

North:Earth-Hekate. 

After meeting her in this capacity, I found her showing up in other aspects of my life and she has since become important to my practice outside of her principality.  

South:Fire-Satan or Azazel 

I first started with Satan or more importantly the creative trickster force of nature. I am someone who isnt to keen on separating Lucifer/Satan as different entities. So it became complicated for me. After some time, I started working with Azazel outside of this aspect. I soon found Him to fit nicely in the role of Southern Quarter. (His direction is south) 

West:Water-Leviathan

Within the Baphomet codex, Taimat is the western principality. I attempted to utilize her as such, but did not feel a connection. I then incorporated Jorminder the great serpent from Norse pantheon, but soon found Leviathan to be more suitable. I am still in the process of building a relationship with Him. Being a heavy water sign, Sun Cancer, Moon Scorpio. I tend to get "lost" in the flow of Abyssly Ether when I work with Him. 

East:Air-Lucifer

Oh where oh where to begin with dear Lucifer. 

I did not "officially" meet Him in this aspect. Yes I felt his pull when I read the Baphomet Codex and saw Him placed in such a role. However I did not meet Him as such. That's another story for another time. I have found His standing as the Eastern Watcher to be beneficial, however He has come to play an even more important role in my life. 

Working outward and away from the Quarters, I work with other Daemon, Sprites, Ancestors and guides. 

I am not someone to only go to Daemon when I "need" something. I very much enjoy worshiping and Venerating them. There are certain ones I feel pulled to work with, recently it has been Raum, Stolis, Valac, and Paimon. 

When it comes to Spirits, I often take an Animist/Shinto approach. I hold that there are spirits of the land, of a thing/place and a spirit that resides. I also hold that spirits of the dead are very much real, as are older spirits such as Fae, "cryptids" , hildafolk and those within other cultures I do not know their names. 

When I speak of my ancestors it is not just those from ancient times. I have been attempting research into my family's history. Having both my grandparents and mother not within this plain of existence I often honor them when I can. 

My guides tend to appear in animal form. Often times to teach me a "lesson" of some sort or reminders of my path. They are often animals associated with the God's I work with. Such as, snakes, owls, hawks, crows, goats, cats, and black dogs. 

Another important guide is Lucifer. Though I hold Him in a higher standing, he often takes on this role. 

Other God's I find important are those of the Crossroads, Underworld and Dark Feminine. 

Note: What I have expressed is simply my own practice, no two practioners are the same. This is what works and calls to me. As my former High Priest would say, "eat the chicken spit out the bones". Take what you will from books and resources, only you know what works for you.

[hexagonopus]

CW: discussion of slurs, uncensored use of the r slur and the f slur

i wanted to talk about the way people use the R slur and are like, "no uwu its ok im reclaiming it"

like, just as a disclaimer (i consider this basically unrelated to my actual point):

but like, if someone tells me they arent comfortable with me using the r slur when around them, obviously im gonna not use it around them.

thats not really related to the topic at hand imo, though. id do the same thing with words like queer which have been unambiguously reclaimed but do still make some people feel targeted or upset.

if someone asked me not to talk about dogs when around them because their dog passed away id think about it the same way, and its not super about the semiotics of the word dog or smth

but we can observe that the word "retarded" used to describe neurodivergent people comes from a medical field that was, at its base, hostile to a vulnerable minority population. the inception of the word was not neutral, it was aggressive. it was also imposed from above onto that same minority group, and used to discriminate them out from the in group.

thats the historical basis of the word being a slur. as the medical field has advanced over time, we've shed that term in an academic context, because our treatment of and understanding of neurodivergent people has advanced to a point where "mentally slow or halted in mental progression" is not an accurate description of how the medical field understands neurodivergent people as a group.

ill admit, we can also observe that terms like "stupid, lame, moronic, imbecile, idiot", etc also have similar roots and an argument can be made that they also used to be slurs, even if they aren't used in that way anymore. so like theres a path that i think a lot of people want to take the word retarded down, and a lot of people also relate to having used it in that sense basically their whole life. i dont super want to discount that

but

so many people who use the r slur posture so much about "oh im reclaiming it", and i guess i find that pretty absurd.

like. "queer" is reclaimed bc we use queer as a neutral, descriptive word. the n word is reclaimed as a display of comradery. sometimes people will call themselves like the f slur or the d slur to say just, "im so gay" in a positive way. these are words who have a tangibly different use than they had as slurs, they are not being used to slur people.

but ive never actually seen someone use the r slur that way? its always being used derogatorily. it is fundamentally still being used as a slur. and we agree that slurs are bad. so why doesnt that compute?

you cant just continue to call things the r slur as an insult to say its stupid as hell and consider that reclamation bc its like, identical to how the slur has been used for decades

like if i say "im such a fag" im not rly saying "im degenerate and not masculine" im saying like. god i like boys and im gay and im gay. yknow??

this isnt like the word retard. ive LITERALLY never in my entire life seen someone use the word retard to mean smth other than an insult. if someone used "retard" in a like self affectionate sense to evoke comradery w/ other neurodivergent people. thats groovy imo that would be a case of trying to "reclaim" it.

my beef is with people who use the word "retard" in a way indistinguishable from how people have use it for decades, just to say "thats stupid, thats low, i dont like that" and then are like "no u dont get it; im neurodivergent so its reclaimation"

finally, a note addressed to the people who want to use the r slur as a word for "stupid" not directed at neurodivergent people:

if someone is using the r slur they should be honest about why they're saying it. and that is, always:

because its an insult, they're trying to insult something by calling it stupid.

they're trying to neutrally describe a neurodivergent people bc they think its still the 1960s

they're specifically trying to insult neurodivergent people

and like, HOPEFULLY we can agree that 3 is just bad.

2 is also bad, if arguably well intentioned. its smth to be corrected, and thats what things like Rosa's Law was passed for.

and ig in that context, i dont personally see the appeal of using it in the case of 1.

why would u want to share that kind of linguistic company w/ 2 and 3, yknow???

[gloomforrestrunes]

Was Nex sort of doomed to always be what he is now no matter what happened, or would a change in situation or people surrounding him have ended up with him leading a not so disgusting life?

Sorry if this comes off as wrong I'm just curious about the what ifs

this is actually something i think about quite a lot when it comes to writing fully-fledged villain characters!

im a big believer that monsters are created, and no one is just born inherently evil. that being said, nothing that nex (or any of my evil characters) has gone through justifies his actions at all. when i write and showcase his backstory its only to provide a possible explanation for his behavior, not to make the audience sympathize with him. nex isnt meant to be a sympathetic villain. he's meant to be a villain who is disgusting, frightening, and irredeemable while also being layered, compelling, and even nuanced at times.

so to answer your question- a change in circumstance, environment, and maybe even aspects of his family would definitely have an impact on how he turned out. if vis wasnt.... the way he was to his nephew, that wouldnt have triggered a young, confused, hurt, and angry aiden to seek some sort of external validation. if question didnt exploit aiden's rage and pain directed at his family and teach an impressionable child that his rage is power- and power is good and pure and right. that he is entitled to that power and all the glory that comes with it. that loyalty and love are the same thing and should be expected rather than nurtured with soft words and gentle touches. and love is fleeting and can be ripped away from you and therefore you need to hold on tight and sink your claws so deep into it until your palms are covered with blood and tears. -if question didn't teach him all of that, (both directly and indirectly) and if he hadn't internalized and fully believed all of it, aiden wouldn't have become nex.

no matter the timeline, i believe that aiden would always have been more on the hotheaded, abrasive, and a bit arrogant side when it comes to his personality. as an extension of that i believe that there is no timeline where aiden and laxo would've worked out as a couple. even if aiden never met question their personalities would clash way too much and it would never be completely healthy- and at best they would break up on mutual terms.

that being said, being hotheaded and abrasive doesnt automatically mean that you're evil and disgusting. i can think of multiple characters with those traits from other pieces of media who are fan favorites, even. but when those traits become dangerous is when you add the incredibly harmful and disgusting beliefs that question taught him when he was young. and because he was a kid at the time, of course he wanted to believe that his rage was justified. of course he wanted to believe that he could become powerful. of course he believed the first authority figure who told him he was in the right.

aiden wasn't doomed to become nex as soon as he was born. but the very circumstances surrounding his birth, as well as his environment, and those around him, very easily led him down that path.

hows that for a butterfly effect?

[37q]

thank you so much for the sources and directives wrt tara :) i'm not a buddhist (yet?) but i've been reading a lot about the female deities of dharmic traditions, shaktism, the Mahavidya, etc. and honestly the idea of being heard, understood and protected by an all-powerful feminine entity feels like salvation to me right now. like, i crave tara's Liberation more than any other gift or miracle she could give me atm lol how did you get into buddhism and the tara practice btw?

my dearly unacquainted your words struck a chord in my chest. i hope you read this, its for you and me and everyone like us.

the search for liberation is endless and i hope tara can show you how to break the cycle. please, read this message as a journey. if i play u the melody, can you hear the karmic harmonies?

i got into buddhism because im a woman who refuses to be one. growing up trying to be something thats harmful to myself and others, where everyones place in line comes from hideous cruelty, covert or otherwise, and being trained under social conditions which ultimately seek to accelerate mass suffering via systemic domination -- that all made me a little sensitive to the idea of anything being "fixed".

maybe i should say -- i craved impermanence. please dont let this be innate. this cant be forever. what i am, everything thats been done to me, all their pain. i saw my pain everywhere else, in everyone else. i saw my pain before and after me, i saw everyones pain in their walk in life and i saw the pain held over our heads. it was hard not to see it as connected, like everyone is just clinging to our histories of interdependent pain and it makes us who we are. gender made it obvious, although thats a basic benefit of feminist standpoint epistemology.

i got into buddhism because in order to survive i needed a respite from the systemic suffering caused by social attachments. gender, like all phenomena, must be impermanent or people like us are doomed. fundamentally i wanted a world of compassion and empathy, forgiveness and change. buddhism offers such a path. despite my desire for it to serve as a refuge from gendered violence however, its clear that there is a current of antifeminism or general misogyny present in many sanghas. i recoiled more into cycles of womanhood once i felt my status as a human mightve been called into question.

stranger, do me a favor? pause and read tara's vow, reflect on all this a bit before going on.

do you know what bodhicitta is? its the endeavor to achieve true liberation, buddhahood, for the sake of all living beings. the pursuit of ending the suffering of all living beings, only reaching liberation with everyone else. returning with each life to the suffering world of samsara, bound by the restraints of our worlds attachments. remember this.

i found my way to chenrezigs lineage and the impacts of his legacy as bodhisattva of compassion. ohhhh how important buddhist compassion has been to me. always aiming for selflessness but avoiding habitual nihilism. dissolution rather than destruction, seeing through the conditions and loving the emptiness inside.

(recommended reading for the next part isnt dharma, its monique wittigs One Is Not Born A Woman.)

my first step in finding female solace in a doctrine of non-attachment was with his female form known to some as guanyin, or guanshiyin, who hears the cries of the world. she always lacked a certain... bite my practice needed. in my experience emancipatory compassion is disruptive sometimes. we connected, dont get me wrong, but it was hard to separate her pacifism from the training ive received in gendered submission.

well, then i found green tara, or she found me or something, not to get too new age-y. guanyin, the surveyor and listener, contrasted with tara, already stepping out to take action. my personal relationship with her is one whose compassion cuts through my karma. deep enough compassion tears down the walls of our attachments.

ive always been troubled to find this-world radical applications of the dharma, or to find this-world radicalism in the dharma itself. reproducing the gendered self by looking for reflections of my social conditions in a god is not radical, but dissolving the self without addressing these unjust social conditions isnt radical either...

in her vow, that tara returns. just like any other bodhisattva she heeds the constraints of her rebirth and transforms those chains into a vehicle of liberation. the "karma" of womanhood is a mere microcosm of samsara's suffering, she says, and as a bodhisattva she is an expert in engineering mechanisms of suffering into dharmic opportunities.

that womanhood, that divine femininity we see in her. ugh. such an illusion -- we project it in others minds! such falsehood -- its conceptual boundaries dont reflect reality! such conditionality -- in ourselves, throughout history, how we enact it! such instability -- we require life long conditioning and policing to maintain its peaceful performance!

stranger, do me another favor? read through the short green tara practice. meditate on what it means to look for solace in divine reflections.

do you know why the bulk of even basic tantric visualization practices are inaccessible to the uninitiated? two examples. one is that it requires education and training in action rooted in dharma versus action rooted in attachment. another is that it requires a deep understanding of emptiness.

when you look for tara youre looking for help. you need the second part of a hug. youre in crisis, and you need to get out. total solitude and nowhere left to turn. we reach this point in our lives where we can barely even find joy within ourselves, so we look for transcendental salvation elsewhere.

tantric practices employ, for the sake of this piece, two basic assumptions. one is that yidam visualization, such as with tara, manifests the persisting merits of the yidam nondually, so neither from within or without. another is that desire can serve dharmic purposes when not rooted in attachment.

lets revisit visualization. when you look for tara you look for help. you look for someone like you, as stable as divinity can get. she is separate from you, yet you see yourself in her.

visualization takes that projection a step beyond via what some call "manifestation", and so that requisite understanding of emptiness comes into play here, as does the knowledge of desire not rooted in attachment. it requires a practitioner with no self from which to draw attachments in their work. so i want you to listen closely.

when youre more attached to your karmic conditions than you are to liberation, you will bring that suffering with you in your path.

read that again. i am explicitly warning you from finding feminine solace in tara.

returning to samsara ad infinitum, rebirth only as a woman, manifesting taras protection, these actions seek to abolish the processes which allow their existence. to end the cycle of rebirth, to end the cycle of reproducing gender in our liberation, to end the cycle of reproducing the self and the god. these actions require you to dissolve their fundamental, impermanent dualities before you can free yourself with them.

when you attempt to visualize tara while still clinging to an impermanent sense of self such as with gender, she loses all emancipatory potential. her merit twists, soiled with your attachments to a divinely persisting feminine, female, or womanhood, serving only to reproduce those mechanisms of suffering within you.

i want you to interrogate these little things you do to feel better about your suffering in life. please, acknowledge that gender causes suffering. whether it be its systemic enforcement or because of our attachment to something ultimately impermanent, please recognize that looking to deify something so fraught will only hurt you.

ask tara where one can even find refuge on a sinking ship. ask her how she found liberation in something meant to subjugate. start to wonder where all the answers are coming from, doubt your sanity, try to find the border between yourself and her and find nothing. find that everywhere else, too.

dearly unacquainted your search is your karma. your findings will be your karma. tara asks you to stop searching, stop finding. she will show you the dead end, and i ask that you address that proactively rather than keep digging.

reblogging with links to side reading :)

[narwhalandchill]

FINALLY FINISHED 4.1 AQ!!!!! (General thoughts also Lot of childe thoughts + 4.1 spoilers obvi and 4.2 leaks warning, LONG)

ok OK OK that was actually insane holy fuck. i was mad initially when childe lacking voicelines in 4.1 leaked but like bro was Still a central character im cool! im cool! keep it up in 4.2!!!!

FIRSTLY. i was fucking right i KNEW the oratrice was ALWAYS onto childe being connected to the primordial sea through 'it' GOD the sheer fucking amount of "theories" i saw that were like oh its all just arlecchinos machinations nothing abyssal whale is an easter egg (?) childes poor mood is bc hes drugged with sinthe by arle (??????) etc etc etc. eat my fucking ass. i saw this shit coming YEARS ago i knew i fucking knew.

honestly its just like my dearest ajax to minmax his K/D ratio to the point that he becomes the murder weapon to a case that started when he was like 5 like what a legend. he is so talented. 🥰🥰🥰🥰

im still highkey on the copium camp that the leaked humanoid phase of the ptahur fight wouldnt literally be childe tho. unironically mostly bc i think its simply a crime against him to let foul legacys visual design AND ptahurs whale design serve cunt that hard only to do the ugliest most generic possible rectangle shaped dark armor guy for A Boss Fight. Like cmon. the purple cyclops look with the flowing galaxy cape and fluffy collar was The Shit. give us extra galaxy effect pastel purple water-y polar star motif-y foul legacy design for childes magical girl powerup not That. tho if childes only gonna look ugly before he asserts his claim over the whales power and then gets a cunty powerup then all is forgiven 🥰

AND WE SAW THE WHALE I WAS LITERALLY GIDDY WATCHING THE CUTSCENE. knew it was coming bc i spoiled myself on purpose by watching it on yt i Had to see it but. ITS SO GOOD. God. and then 4.2 we will fight them both??? & the boss title is "devourer of the stars"???? like its so fucking abysspilled and real i feel like a starving middle ages peasant being fed from the royal banquet table ive waited SO LONG. foul legacy is called devouring deep and 'it' is Litetally titled devourer. this isnt a fucking coincidenceee im in love . WILF i said what i said

anyway i do agree that in terms of lore implications i dont think its unrealistic at all for it and its will to overwhelm ajax temporarily like that thing is the devourer of stars which. Might i remind people literally means devouring fate in the world of genshin and constellations. a world ending entity. but also at the same time this might be me being insane and abysspilled (always looking for a reason for apologism yk) but like. theres no direct confirmation either way whether ptahurs intentions with childe are really malicious at all. he awakened it, theyre linked and its calling for him and sure thats bad for fontainians' projected life expectancy but we cant assume much else. i mean childe was in the deep sea he might be snezhnayan so immune to anti french bathwater but bro couldve been drowning maybe the whale helped out a pal. and the music in the cutscene was more wonder than terror too? fanon guys are just coping bc they dont want childe to get worse when thats just much sexier Trust (she says, overtaken by constant paranoia that somehow theyll pull a 180 and damsel-ify him with no actual narrative weight or satisfaction for his arc ahahaha)

(but like me when i havent read tusk of monoceros caeli item desc and understood that the all-devouring desire to crush everything in his path like the solipsism represented by the image of a whale cruising through the celestial heights is very explicitly stated to be a part of himself childe chooses to gleefully embrace do not fucking try me you illiterates. sorry i got emotional for a sec back to 4.1)

AND LIKE NO I DID NOT MISS THAT NEUVILLETTE DID NEVER IN FACT CLAIM PTAHURS SENTENCE UPON FONTAINE WAS UNJUSTIFIED. JUST THAT IT WAS TOO HARSH. so like listen listen listen. (pulls up my abyss is justified the gods are false the sky is fake so bringing ruin upon the world in the greatest sin against an artificial system is actually making the sinner the one delivering heavenly justice---- conspiracy whiteboard) ANYWAY point is childe tartaglia ajax should get to torch celestia and im going to kiss him on the mouth when he does. No one @ me. but actually neuvillette genuinely APOLOGIZED for overturning ptahurs authority to deliver its sentence. im gonna read into this so hard it might be reaching but who am i if not behaving down bad horrendously about the abyss and the prospect of a cosmic eldritch entity shattering celestias world order into pieces,?? this is my Brand

act III has so much hate but i thought it was fine SJSJSKSJFKFIDKFK it did what it set out to do and it certainly isnt as interesting as act IV but it did So much of the foundational work for the next act and managed to work well enough. it got a bit repetitive so like no it wasnt perfect at all but idk when u go in with the right mindset its perfectly competent. but i can see it feel horrible when u Really just wanna get to the action parts so like its fine if ppl dislike it jsjajsk not too pressed either way

anyway i find it so cute how many people are reacting to travelers dreams of childes pov as this like omg theyre in sync and not like. An explicit confirmation that visions are mass surveillance tools p much 💀💀💀💀 like its not even ON HIM and he can still be tracked how is this endearing im so lost JSFFJSJSJ

honestly beyond the obvious childe brainrot its hard to even go off about just any specific character bc EVERYONE got it so good. chlorinde dodged the sara allegations im SO fucking happy for her!!! even if it wasnt that much its already far off from that travesty!!! her and wrios dynamic is so fucking funny i adore them and wasnt expecting it at all.

wrio is fucking GREAT! i absolutely lived for every single line of dialogue he had like mans literally the funniest person in fontaine. silver powercreep. but not just that bc hes actually so fucking good and interesting and intriguing and i loved the overall role he played. the whole power play he did w lyney and that entire confrontation played so well with both his and lyneys character im just. this was a certified banger. the house of hearth sibs were all great and lyneys characterization had So much depth and nuance i really liked the way he wasnt dropping his and lynettes backstory in 4.0 just to trauma dump but that it was all actual setup for his minor/major breakdown during act IV and that payoff was so worth it!!! arle chiding him for his pride too. listen to your dad lyney.

speaking of Whom.

oh my god oh my god arle arle arle. this woman had me actually fucking blushing like. Her ENERGY. The Poise. the Threat. the Pressure. the veneer of perfectly conducted civil friendliness that feels more threatening than if she just put a knife to my neck (which. she could. id thank her)??? how shes genuinely LIVID at furina and about the prophecy and just kept pressing at her?????? no woman in this goddamn game has had an effect like this on me i feel so weak im such a fucking dyke oh my god. HER VOICE. HER FUCKING VOICE. EVERY SENTENCE OUT OF HER MOUTH I WAS EATING IT UP. that like. idk how to even call it that like dry breathy quality to her voice is just?????? i was transfixed i was obsessed i was hypnotized.

and ofc she didnt really gaf about childe much SJAJSKSJFKSKSKDKD but like unironically funniest fucking mental image from this AQ was the concept of if arlecchino ever somehow got arrested in another nation CHILDE would be her attorney like. 😭😭😭😭😭😭 HELP (logically ik he would do fine lmao hes smart and literally feeds his ego by being good at his job you guys are just so fucking rude comparing him to 6d chess zhongli in liyue AQ. thats zhongli being too galaxy brain not anyone else being dumb)

honestly i love love love this fucked up strict but seemingly truly genuine in her own fucked up way parental figure that she appears to be?? like this isnt redeeming her this is making her interesting as fuck and i do love that. the fact that shes generally very reasonable and collected but that you can just Feel the danger lurking underneath is literally So attractive i might keel over.

and like FINALLY a nation where its not all the fatuis fault!!! well it is all childes fault (so proud of him. thats my man!!) but you get what i mean GSJSKDK. arlecchino actually offering up her cooperation at the end just feels so refreshing and nice like ahhh. feels good feels organic.

so. neuvillette is the reincarnated hydro sovereign. whos surprised. (silence) yeah fucking thought so. honestly neuvi was both incredibly interesting and good but also his clueless moments of not picking up on jokes and banter are So autistic like if i hadnt already pulled him by the point i started doing act IV i wouldve the second he started sharing his autism diagnosis with us. so like im ecstatic to have him both on my main and NA alt actually.

ALSO. Confirmed that gnoses are based on stolen authority from the sovereigns. as a scalie enthusiast i Always had a hunch sth like this was up but having it confirmed is fucking excellent. and like it feels very much like furina/focalors (r they separate ppl or not? Huh?? is the gnosis in the oratrice?) r gonna allow neuvillette to tackle the bathwater problem by surrendering the authority over hydro back to its rightful heir n thats prolly gonna be a part of how fontaine dodges the prophecy. but its still very hmmmmmm

sigewinnes traitor moment actually caught me off guard it was SO funny. like she was actually fooling us i loved that. sure she always had good intentions and everything but still iconic. in general just how wrio and gang outplayed us in the fortress of merupide was great like it just really emphasizes how bro Runs the place for real for real and it was excellent. the massive ship was kind of out of left field tho. inb4 ptahur just crushes that thing anyway lmaooooo

theres probably more still but uh this is already too long JSJSKSKDK anyway yes i did enjoy acts III and IV very much how did you notice. sorry for the length of this crazed frenzy but not sorry actually. it feels so nice to get fed finally. im so hype for 4.2.

edit: wait i forgor furina. honestly im not gonna lie i was too mesmerized by arlecchino to pay that much attention to her so sorry about that but like GAJSKDJDKDK she was great too!!!

[tarot-tea-cafe]

All About Tarot: The Major Arcana

The Wheel Of Fortune

The Wheel Of Fortune, also known as La Roue De Fortune, is associated with the element fire, with chance, destiny, fate and what have you, and is the 10th in the majour arcana, the 11th to be pulled in a fresh deck.

Upright, this card talked about (good) fortune, an unexpected windfall, karma, destiny, cycles, life being in a state of constant change, things working in your favour, chance, turning points and more.

Reversed, this card mentions bad or "lousy" luck, a lack of control, the past, misery, disappointment, upheaval, unwelcomed changes, setbacks/drawbacks, external forces at work, oncoming challenges and more.

In general this card of course talks about luck and possibilities, maybe talking about what your influences are to help you understand why youre having a streak of "good/bad luck". this card seems to be here to help point out things you might not notice or say what you know but noo to hear it confirmed for you. that doesnt always mean its going to be good or bad, just like gambling theres always a 50/50. (minus any possibility of cheating, these cards see right through you)

Common depictions may include of course a wheel, similar to a prize wheel from a game show or something with multiple points to show multiple possibilities or directions, a compas perhaps. its very common to see a map and compass or a ship's wheel and someone at the helm ahold of it. all this to show that with so many directions to go life has many options and potentialities just waiting for you and choosing the path you take is life's game of chance.

white and blue as well as a shade of gold, yellow, orange or brown are very common within this card's colour scheme, often a blue background with white clouds. red is a common accent colour among the art for this card.

another common thing to see is some flying creature or person, commonly four in each corner or few circling the "wheel of fortune" in the centre.

However on the rare occasion the wheel of fortune isnt an actual wheel you may see a lone person with more than the regular amount of limps in place of the many points that signify the different directions.

If you have any more details you'd like me to adress or questions you have you'd like me to answer please let me know!

help support me on kofi - previous card - full post