#the other one was living in the shed that we had to tear down bc it was about to collapse
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brocedethesis · 23 days ago
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midnight thoughts but basically. even if we are going into the stereotype that 'guys don't feel as much' or 'f1 is a brutal sport, it is what it is, you need to be cut out for it or simply leave', when we take the crazy lore that is brocedes it's actually very undeniable that nico and lewis had something. this was the true definition of bromance as of those days, and of a simple, genuine friendship these days. at one point of time, for a long time too, they were proud of each other. from go-karting to respective pre-f1 races and then, straight into f1. i see the 2008 hug, the smiles as they both get to be on the podium, the happiness in their faces, and ohhh there's definitely something there. maybe not the irresistible urge to kiss or something, but a glowing ball of light. pure joy for each other.
as it slowly descended into the 2016 penultimate fight, you could also see the pain in their eyes. the title decider press meet always gets me because lewis is trying to be as detached from his words as possible, almost like a third person reciting a history as if he didn't live that himself. nico, on the other hand, is just pained as he tries to get himself past all the things he did just for a single championship. if what i read was right and he had paused contact with family, cut down on cycling, even got a lighter matte paint for his helmet bc it could gain him a fucking secondth of an edge (this is still crazy to me), its just painful. all the calculations and permutations you do to win, and at the opposite end of it all is a person who is a friend. was a friend? he didn't know by the end of it. the mind games they played, the banned moved the detailed studies. the utter betrayal of not even knowing the fact, but understanding the fact that they were going to sabotage each other just for a trophy at the end of some 20+ races where they shed blood sweat and tears for a win. at the end of the day, its a sport, and they were just humans.
of course it would break something, irreparably so. i respect nico for retiring days after his win. i respect lewis for actually becoming a better teammate, and even a friend to many.
now, years later, almost going to be a decade, both understood what brings them happiness at large. but there's always going to be that one part of the heart that bugs them, no matter how detached and away from it they are. maybe on lone days, they wonder if it was worth it all. maybe on loner days they wonder if its possible to rebuild what they lost, but it is not. so they see each other on the grid, at the opposite ends, cherishing (either privately or publicly) the way they were friends.
edit: more here and here! i cannot stop yapping about them so i've made a tag thread as well with lots of other content called #The Brocedethesis on this page lol
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nonclassyparty · 1 year ago
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tins without labels - prologue (j.wy)
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summary: Jung Wooyoung's life was always somehow intertwined with your own. from living in the same neighbourhood as kids to attending the same college; fights, bickering, bruises, teasing comments and tears. Wooyoung and you were never complete strangers but never friends either. Always somewhere in between, growing up with each other but never actually knowing one another. The relationship takes a confusing turn in your third year of college after an injury that places your football career on hold. Lonely, lost and confused, you find yourself at your first college party in the presence of none other than Jung Wooyoung asking him to show you what exactly have you been missing out on. playlist // my main masterlist // moodboard (tba) // click to donate to Palestine
pairing: jung wooyoung x reader warnings: none for this chapter i think! word count: 9.3k taglist: just reply or inbox me if u'd like to be added c: a/n: pls don't say damn when u see that i started another story. listen LISTEEEEEN. i know what u all will say..."bree should u rly be starting another series when u havent finished or started the 4757 bajillion ones that u already posted?" the answer is YES. let me explain myself briefly, this summer has been rly hard for me bc i lost someone who was incredibly important to me and i just can't write...i just can't! everything looks like shit!!! im halfway done with soot and something just isn't letting me continue. i can't write pretty on the outside or literally anything else i've started bc its all simply too sad. writing is draining to begin with despite how much i love and enjoy it but writing angst is k wording my mental health lol! so....i present to you this series, mostly dedicated to myself literally no one asked for this, i just feel like its something i need to write and always wanted to so here i go! it will be a little heartwarming series with lots of humor and coming of age shenanigans and huge chunks of it written from personal experience and i hope u guys read it and like it. i had a lot of fun writing this prologue. (p.s. i literally know jackshit about football/soccer so if by some chance someone that reads this knows their football shit....just let it go pls lmfaoo)
(prologue; when we were kids)
and I couldn't find the words, i couldn't think of what to say and all that I can do is stop and think about the days when all we used to dream about was meeting after school
6 and 8 years old;
Your mom helped you build the snowman.
An entire morning of running around your front yard, laughing and playing in the freshly fallen snow, seeing the air you breathe out in front of you that you pretended was cigarette smoke to make your mom laugh as the cold nipped at your cheeks.
The snowman was almost twice your size (which wasn't a lot, you were a fairly small child) with pebbles stuck in as his eyes and teeth pulled up in a big grin. Your mom found a small bucket in the old shed behind the house which she placed on his head as a makeshift hat and because you didn't have any carrots, there was a small twig stuck at the center of the snowman's face to serve as a long crooked nose.
(The snowman didn't have any arms, a detail that went over your head at the time.)
After admiring the big statue in the farther corner of your front yard for awhile, you finally retreated into the house with your socks wet along with the majority of your hot pink snowsuit. As you kicked off the damp clothes and exchanged them for warm, dry ones and fuzzy socks and then settled in front of the TV in the toasty living room with a mug of cocoa - you couldn't help but feel that it was a happy day.
Which is why when, in the late afternoon, once you looked out of your window to see what once used to be your snowman is now nothing but a big pile of disheveled snow with his plastic hat rolling around the sidewalk and two boys running away down the street with shrill laughter echoing after them, you simply couldn't help but burst into tears.
"Mommy!" You screamed out, running outside your front door in fuzzy socks and your sweater, as dramatic as you were. But you were six and your life still ended and began with coloring books and favorite toys, so a snowman that you made with your mom getting destroyed, surely felt like the end of the world.
Once your mom stepped out after you, about to scold you for walking outside into the cold air with no jacket on, you burst into crocodile tears as you pointed to the spot where your snowman once stood.
"Oh, no." She breathed out with a sigh before grabbing her jacket and slipping into whatever shoes were available by the door (they were your dad's old tennis shoes) and walking across the front yard to collect the small bucket from the sidewalk.
All you could do was stand and watch as you wailed so loudly after your snowman that the entire neighbourhood could hear.
"Honey, it's okay." Your mom tried to soothe you as she walked up the steps to your house, carrying what used to be the snowman's hat. "It's just a snowman, we'll make another one tomorrow!"
But you were inconsolable, bursting out in another wave of loud cries as you stomped your tiny foot and pointed to the house across the street.
"They ruined it! W-Wooyoung ruined it!" You sob, waving towards the boy's house with all the anger a six year old could possibly muster. You knew it was him, recognizing the ugly red jacket he wore this entire winter and his even uglier looking friend, Chanwook.
You weren't friends with Wooyoung. He was older than you and all of his friends were mean. You once tried to play with them when you first moved to the neighbourhood but they didn't want to play with a girl. You cried about that too.
They often teased you. Wooyoung said your crooked teeth made you look ugly!
She sighs again, "And that was very mean of him. But, Y/N, we'll just make another snowman tomorrow."
"But-" You start again, tears still sliding down your face. 
"We'll build him in the backyard where we have a fence, so no-one will be able to touch him." She offers with a smile, hoping you'll finally be consoled enough to walk inside and be safe from the harsh cold.
"But I won't be able to look at him from the window." You tell her quietly, voice going hoarse from the crying and bottom lip already wobbling as another wave of tears began to sunk in. She gives you a sympathetic smile.
"We'll get him a prettier hat and we'll use two long branches to give him arms!" Your mom offers again, trying to butter you up so the tears would stop. "We'll get a carrot for his nose and big pretty rocks for his eyes!" Once she realized it was working, she continued; "And we'll take a picture of you with him so you'll always get to look at him, even when he melts away!"
You peer up at her with a hiccup, finally bribed enough; "A picture?"
She nods, holding the door wider for you to finally walk inside as you inch towards the door, fuzzy socks now soaked, "A picture. We'll send your dad to the mall to develop them."
So, you finally walk inside the warm house again, changing your socks and immediately going to your father's home office to pester him about the camera and just how long will it take for a picture to be developed.
-
"-Y/N, we'll just make another snowman tomorrow!" 
Wooyoung heard your mom tell you as he peers at the exchange from across the street, through his bedroom window, freshly changed into dry clothes after a long hard day of playing outside with Chanwook and now, warming his frozen hands on the radiator.
When Wooyoung saw the snowman parked in the corner of your front yard, just a step away from the sidewalk, he and Chanwook thought it would be funny to ruin it. 
The thing was ugly and had an even uglier bucket at the top of it's head, perfect to kick around the street!
He didn't think too much about it, if he was honest. Just saw a big lump of snow he wanted to kick at until it collapsed, so that's what Wooyoung did. It was just a silly snowman.
Besides, you were already six years old. Far too old to be making a stupid snowman. You should've been going sledding with the rest of the neighborhood kids on the small hill just a couple of minutes away from your street. Wooyoung was mature now, so his mom allowed him to go without a chaperone this year. You were always so childish, no wonder your mom didn't let you go with them. You cried over everything.
But he didn't expect you to cry over the stupid snowman!
It was just a snowman. It would've melted anyway when the weather got warmer! Or gotten ruined by someone else! 
The brief fear of your mom telling Wooyoung's mom about what he'd done struck him. He'd positively get grounded for ruining your dumb snowman if she found out and then the rest of his winter break would be spent inside of the house.
You could always make another snowman. A better one. And since you're such a crybaby, Wooyoung would make sure to tell Chanwook that they won't be touching that one. Leave that ugly snowman alone.
Just so you wouldn't cry anymore.
-
10 and 12 years old;
"It's a shame your mother is dead, maybe if she was still around she would teach you how to act like a girl!" 
Your face flushed in anger as you stared the other boy, Beomseok, his chubby fingers still wrapped around your pencil case which was how the argument started in the first place.
He was in the same class as you and a typical bully. Bigger than the rest of his peers and always using it to his advantage to intimidate and tease them. Today, he took your pencil case and when you asked for him to give it back, he only gave you a gnarly smile and started running around the classroom and eventually out on the halls, screaming taunts at you. It would be a lie to say that you didn't scream some pretty mean stuff back but in your defense, he deserved it.
Now, you both stood as if you're ready to duel as the rest of your classmates and even some upperclassmen gathered to see what the commotion is all about, your fury rising so high that tears spring in your eyes at the mention of your mom as you observe his smug smirk. Obviously, from a very young age, you were bad at managing your anger.
"I hate you!" You scream out, voice high pitched. Then you jump on Beomseok with your full weight, successfully pulling him to the hard hallway floors as your hands curled into tiny fists that started colliding with his face.
And Beomseok, for all his intimidating build, talked an awfully big game just to end up bursting into tears as your fist collided with his nose. He was bad at fighting, you notice, if he could be beat up by a lanky girl almost two times smaller than him.
"I just-" Punch. "-wanted-" Punch. "-my pencil case-" A slap. "-back!"
"Somebody help!" He screams from under you, whining under each attack but his classmates were too busy cheering you on to come to his defense.
Once you start harshly pulling on his hair, two arms wrap themselves under your armpits and pull you off of your classmate. You're standing again and are turned by your shoulders to come face to face with your teacher, screaming at you.
"Is this a proper behavior in school?!" and lots of "Your father will hear about this!"'s and "You're going to the principle's office!" as she started pulling you by your arm down the corridor that was still filled with students.
"Everyone to your classrooms! Now!" Your teacher screams from the top of her lungs as she tugs on you and you follow after her with a frown on your face.
Stupid Beomseok.
-
Wooyoung's stomach hurts from laughing, clapping Chanwook's shoulder who was almost sitting on the floor due to his own fit of pure glee, as he watches Kim Beomseok roll around the floor in pain, clutching his nose. 
There's scratches and bruises already forming on his cheeks, little bit of blood mixed with a lot of big, fat tears. It's hard to feel even slightly bad for Beomseok, when Wooyoung heard how he torments his classmates along with the younger kids during recess. Did it count as bullying if the bully is the one getting bullied?
Maybe he finally got what was coming for him, nobody usually stood up to him and Wooyoung least expected you to be the one to put him in his place.
He deserved it, Wooyoung thinks, after what he said about your mom.
Wooyoung remembers her funeral three years ago, he remembers how much you cried and how you didn't leave your house for a month that summer. He even rung the doorbell to ask if you wanted to come out and play one time which he never did because you were a child and he was much more mature than you, you two had nothing in common. But he felt sad for you.
Your mom was nice, she always brought Wooyoung a chocolate when she'd come for a visit.
 Sadly, they discovered she had cancer when you were only seven and Wooyoung was nine. By the time they discovered it, it was already too far along and your mom passed away on a summer evening while you were outside playing hide and seek. 
Wooyoung remembers feeling so bad how they always made you the seeker that day because you were the youngest kid in the neighbourhood and far too easy to convince that it was simply always your turn to look for the other kids.
Your dad opened the door, smiling sadly at Wooyoung and saying that you weren't feeling well enough to come out and play. Wooyoung didn't try again after that.
The teacher is pulling you by your elbow through the crowd, yelling at the top of her lungs for everyone to head to their classrooms since class should start in a couple of minutes. You silently follow her, face twisted into an angry grimace.
Your hair has fallen out of your ponytail, long strands sticking to your face and Wooyoung is pretty sure that your shirt got ripped during the brawl. 
Wooyoung might've been laughing a bit too loudly because with angry eyes and cheeks flushed, your head whips towards him just as you pass by him.
Wooyoung opens his mouth with a smile, to say something like "Good job, Y/L!" maybe. He doesn't get the chance to.
"What are you laughing at, Jung?" You ask loudly and Wooyoung's laughter immediately dies down.
"Wha-?"
And it's then, that your foot meets Wooyoung's shin in a harsh kick that makes him yowl in pain and makes Chanwook burst into another wave of laughter as his hands grab at Wooyoung who doubles over in pain.
"Y/N!" The teacher screams out again, pulling you back by your shirt and going on another rant, filled with threats of calling your dad to school and something else he can't process at the moment.
Wooyoung is too busy feeling the pain and anger that fills him up as he rubs at the place your sneaker covered foot meet his leg.
"Y/N, you psycho!" He yells after you who is still getting dragged away. You don't even bother to look back at him.
(He still collects your pencil case from the floor and throws it on a desk that a classmate of yours says belongs to you before exiting the classroom and going to his own. Wooyoung tells himself it's for no other reason but just so your dad won't have to buy you a new one. He has enough on his plate already.)
-
14 and 16 years old;
Wooyoung has a girlfriend.
You don't know why that's something that bothers you so much.
Maybe because you don't understand what a girl could possibly see in Jung Wooyoung to willingly let him hold her hand or...God forbid, kiss her. Ew.
That's a lie, maybe even a bad attempt at coping on your part because there's a general consensus in your high school that Jung Wooyoung is good-looking. 
You didn't even think he was ugly when you were younger, when he was pulling on your pigtails and teasing you for playing with dolls. He was cute for an annoying kid back then too with his chubby cheeks and bowl haircut.
He was especially cute now, a recent discovery of yours which you have no one else to thank except puberty. It did wonders on your hormones and it did wonders on Jung Wooyoung too. 
His jawline got sharper the more baby fat he lost and lips grew fuller. His boyish smile was very attractive, even his smile lines were captivating. Wooyoung grew taller as well, not by much compared to the other boys in his grade but he was tall just enough so you'd have to look up to him when you argue but not enough to be intimidated by him.
So, yes, you supposed you'd understand the appeal if it weren't for his stupid mouth and mean words more often than not, directed at you. You threw shots back as well, sometimes even started an argument first if you were feeling particularly annoying but maybe that sums up why you're so bothered.
He started dating Chaeyoung at the beginning of this summer and since you have the fortune (read: misfortune) of living in the house right across the street from Wooyoung's, you were an unlucky witness to most of their dates.
And he was so sweet to her. He'd buy her cheap flowers and ice cream, they'd walk around the neighbourhood holding hands, they'd take Wooyoung's younger brother Kyungmin to the playground in the evenings. Wooyoung would smile a lot at her and Chaeyoung would always smile back.
You even saw them kiss. Just once.
When you were folding laundry in your bedroom, you looked through the window just in time to see their lips connect on Wooyoung's front porch. You quickly looked away, feeling shy and embarrassed, not understanding why you were blushing or feeling so sad all of a sudden.
Why was he so nice to other girls but never to you? You shouldn't think too much about it, the problem isn't you. Chaeyoung wasn't just some other girl but his girlfriend. Of course, he'd treat her special.
Whatever. You scoff as you watch Chaeyoung run to Wooyoung across the quad as you adjust your sports bag over your shoulder. 
She jumps into his arms and you can hear his loud, annoying laughter even to here as his arms wrap around her and he picks her up from the ground.
"What are you doing?" You almost jump out of your skin at the sound of Ryujin's voice as she nosily tries to follow where you were staring at.
Ryujin was the first friend you met since you started high school two weeks ago. She might be the only friend you have for awhile since you haven't really been trying to even get to know your classmates as you were too busy trying out for the girls football team.
You don't remember when you started actively playing football exactly. You always played it for fun with the boys from the neighbourhood (Wooyoung included)  but maybe it was around seventh grade when your dad pestered you into trying out a sport because he didn't know what else to do with you so he packed you up and sent you to a sports camp for two weeks one summer, that you started actually playing.
You went there only caring about your iPad and came back saying you'll be a professional football player.
Your dad doesn't want to say it but you know he thinks it's a fickle dream that will fizzle out with age.
Thankfully, Ryujin shared the same love for the sport as you so for now, you were relieved and content to spend time with her. She was nice.
You didn't need anyone else but maybe it would've been nice if someone who was older, who you were familiar with even if you always fought, would give you a couple of words of useful advice. Regarding the new teachers and subjects and all.
High school was scary.
"Nothing." You answer quickly, turning your back to Wooyoung and his girlfriend and fully facing your new friend.
"Nothing?" Ryujin gives you a suspicious smile, eyes darting over your shoulder once more before she ruffles your hair. You yelp. "Do you have a crush already, Y/N?"
You gently shove her away with a huff, fixing your bangs, "Don't be stupid. These boys are all ugly."
A crush. As if!
She laughs at that, throwing her arm around your shoulder as she directs you both to the field where practice was held, already yapping about her own crush.
-
"Hey, isn't that your neighbour?" Chaeyoung nudges Wooyoung with her elbow, nodding somewhere behind Wooyoung. He cranes his neck to follow the direction before his eyes land on you.
He snorts, "Yeah."
You were standing in the middle of the football field, sweaty and red in the face from all the running, with your hands on your hips as you paid attention to what your coach was yelling towards your teammates across the field.
The school's jersey seemed far too big on your lanky form and your hair was a mess, always slipping out of your ponytail. You were much smaller in build than the rest of the team and it looked funny to Wooyoung.
He didn't expect you to be into sports, let alone a sport like football. In fact, Wooyoung is surprised that you don't burst into tears when you start arguing with the makeshift referee played by another student. It's what usually happens if you spend longer than a minute arguing with Wooyoung.
And then he ends up being the bad guy for making you cry but no one ever mentions that you sometimes provoke him first as well but can't take it when it's dished right back.
Since you're such a crybaby.
He watches with an amused grin as you bare your teeth at the referee, who is really just a senior that thought it would be a fun time but now he has to stand arguing with you. And to Wooyoung's further amusement, the older boy who is almost two heads taller than you, looks like he's about to shit his pants in front of you.
Hm. Maybe not such a crybaby when it's anyone else but Wooyoung.
"I think she has a crush on you."
He turns to look at his girlfriend with a confused look, growing further confused when she smiles teasingly at him.
"Who?" He asks and she gives him a knowing look before nodding in your direction again. Wooyoung splutters out a surprised laugh, "Y/N?"
"Yeah." She nods excitedly, giggling, "She's cute."
Wooyoung scoffs with an eyeroll, "She's a kid."
A kid who might have a small crush on Wooyoung but still, a kid nonetheless.
He'd be stupid to say he didn't notice that you sometimes stare at him a little too much but what the hell is he supposed to do about that. You just started high school, you probably weren't even aware of what you were doing. It was a childish crush because at the end of the day that's what you are - childish.
Chaeyoung giggles again, the sound is soft and sweet, leaning her head against his shoulder. 
"It's kind of sweet." She sighs dreamily and Wooyoung snorts because nothing about you was sweet, "You're her handsome neighbour, the only guy who's always been close to her since she was a kid, she probably starts those childish arguments with you so you'd give her attention and then writes about you in her diary and-"
"Y/N is the last person to have a diary, first of all." Wooyoung interrupts with a snicker before looking down on his girlfriend who is teasing him, "Second of all, you sound ridiculous."
Chaeyoung lifts her head up from where it rested against him and looks at him seriously, her lips pressed together. Then she starts imitating Wooyoung's last sentence in a deeper voice that sounds nothing like him, "You sound ridiculous-ah!"
She squeals when Wooyoung pinches her at the waist lovingly and it turns to tickling her as he presses kisses to her cheeks.
As they continue to exchange kisses between hushed giggles, the conversation about you is forgotten.
-
18 and 20 years old;
From the moment you opened the door to greet your date, you knew that the whole night would be a complete and utter disaster.
Maybe you watched too many teen movies that romanticized prom night so much that even you ended up believing and looking forward to the glorified fantasy of it but boy, were you in for a rude awakening.
Your prom date was a boy from your Calculus class named Eunwoo. 
To be completely honest, you were convinced for the entirety of your senior year that you wouldn't have a date for prom at all because not much has changed since freshman year.
You still had one good friend (two, if you count Ryujin's friend that says she likes hanging out with you) and your focus was always on football. Add schoolwork and keeping up your good grades and you truly didn't have much time left for socializing.
So when Eunwoo pulled you aside after your football practice and asked you if you wanted to go to prom together with a handsome boyish smile on his face, your excitement for that night skyrocketed.
Eunwoo wasn't exactly a friend but he was nice to you during class, maybe you were wrong but his niceness sometimes even bordered flirting. Already, you were daydreaming about a possible boyfriend to spend your last summer with before you start college.
With a date or without one, you spend the bigger portion of your senior year saving up money for prom night or should you say prom preparations.
Makeup was never your strongest suit, in fact, it wasn't a suit of yours at all. You never wore it. You never did your hair either. 
Even on the rare occasion that you went to a high school party, you never wore anything else aside from jeans and T-Shirts. You were an athlete and you committed to the bit entirely, always being ready to sweat and opting for comfort of loose clothes above anything else.
But you wanted to look nice for prom, pretty. Not because of Eunwoo but for yourself. Prom is only once and you wanted to make sure you do it with confidence. 
All your saved up allowance went on the hair and makeup appointment along with your dress that Ryujin helped you pick out. The dress was quite simple in your opinion, a dark red one with a square neckline held up by two thin straps that clung to your curves and flared out at the bottom.
With your hair pinned up in an up-do with two curled strands framing your face and glitter on your eyelids, you thought you looked very pretty, beautiful even. Hell, it was probably the best you looked in your entire eighteen years of life. You could even put up with the painful heels for the sake of it.
Your dad made you pose over the whole house while you waited for your date to pick you up. First a photoshoot on the stairs, then one on the front porch, then a little in front of the living room fireplace. 
He seemed so excited with his camera hanging around his neck as he followed you around the house.
It was one of the moments you wished your mom was here for but nonetheless, it was much fun with your dad only as well. You were happy.
It all went to shit though once you opened the door for Eunwoo and he started laughing in your face.
"Oh my God!" He laughs, almost doubling over at the apparent hilarity of your appearance, "What are you wearing?!"
You laugh nervously, ignoring your father's glance at you from the sheer embarrassment, "What? Is it that bad?"
"No, no." Eunwoo shakes his head, wiping a stray tear that escaped while he was laughing, "It's just not like you, at all."
"Oh." You give him a sour smile, your fragilely built ego shattering completely. "I was just...trying something new I guess..."
He snickers with a headshake before offering you his hand, "Come on, let's go take a photo?"
After a small moment of hesitation, feeling your cheeks burn from the humiliation, you let him grab your hand and step out on the front porch. Eunwoo places a hand around your waist to pull you closer as you both smile at your dad's camera.
A couple of photos later, you both head towards Eunwoo's car as your dad waves you goodbye. You give him a small, almost sad wave back as Eunwoo opens the door for you. You ask him;
"Do I really look funny?"
"No, you look pretty no matter what." He answers, helping you with your dress. "It's just doesn't suit you I guess, it's not like you."
"Ah..." You say staring at the dashboard as you watch him round the car to get into the driver's seat. You glance back at your dad just to see him get back into your house and for a split second, you want to call the whole thing off and go back inside with him.
Of course this doesn't suit you. You were the girl guys dapped up in the hallways, the girl that was always covered in hoodies and sweatpants and never wore makeup. You must look stupid, all dolled up like this. What were you thinking.
Prom celebration is usually held at a hotel not far from your high school. The ballroom is enormous, with vast marble floors and high ceilings illuminated by golden, shimmery lights. It looks straight out a fairytale with colorful dresses worn by pretty princess and handsome princes in their extravagant suits. Only, you don't feel like a princess at all.
Eunwoo and you find your table and you briefly say hi to Ryujin and her date. Ryujin tells you how amazing you look and you give her the first (and possibly, only) genuine smile of the night.
"So," Eunwoo starts the conversation a few minutes after you settle down at your table with drinks, "Did you decide where you're going for college? Any scouts?"
"I'm leaning towards SNU. Their Women's Football Club is really strong and I feel like they actually get proper investments and budget." You tell him and he grins interrupting your next sentence.
"See, this is why I like you. It's hard to find a girl who knows about sports and is so chill about everything."
Your mouth stays parted, the rest of your sentence (which was really just saying that the fact the male football team was hot contributed to your decision as joke) went unsaid as his words registered. Every "compliment" Eunwoo gives you is starting to come off so backhandedly that you're beginning to realize that while he thinks he has you all figured out - he doesn't actually know you at all.
You give him a fake laugh and pray to God it doesn't sound fake enough for him to notice as you take a sip of your drink.
An hour later, your heels are killing you so much that you've completely given up on dancing. You observe Ryujin on the dance floor with her date, still going at it and sigh with the silent question of when it would be your turn. Instead, you're stuck to the sidelines with shoes that feel awful on your feet and a date that can't stop talking about how it's attractive that you're a "girl that actually eats". Eunwoo's compliments are becoming weirder by the second.
"Should I just take you home?" Eunwoo asks with an amused smile as he observes you taking off your heels for the tenth time since you sat back down.
"Ah, would you mind?" You give him an apologetic smile, feeling like a burden and a not-so-much-fun date, "I'm sorry, Eunwoo, this is unfair to you-"
"Nah, I had a fun time." He shakes his head, downing the rest of his drink, "Next time, just be yourself though, yeah?"
The weirdly phrased statement makes you pause. "What do you mean?"
"You know, you don't have to dress like this!" He laughs, playfully playing with the thin strap of your dress. You subtly move away from his touch. "It's not like you at all. I don't know if your friends talked you into it just to fit in but you shouldn't let them push you around like this."
He's so wrong that you can't speak for a moment but even if you could, you feel like trying to explain yourself to him would be far too exhausting and would lead to nowhere. Nor do you want it to lead anywhere anymore, if you were honest.
"Girls like that are so exhausting." He gives a tired sigh. "Outfits and makeup aren't the only thing in the world."
"Girls....like that?"
"You know! Like, the touchy-feely shit. Everything is about color-coordination and nail polishes with them. God forbid their hair is out of place. What a headache!" Eunwoo runs a hand through his hear before giving you an award winning smile. "That's why I'm glad I got to hang out with you! You're real."
"I'm....real?" You ask with a cocked head as your eyes start to narrow. He's too busy thinking that you like what he's saying so he continues.
"Yeah. You know, you keep it real. You're not caught up in that frivolous, girly bullshit. You're so chill, Y/N." He keeps smiling at you like he just gave you the highest form of compliment he possibly could.
But you can't bring yourself to crack a smile even if someone held a barrel of a gun to your temple at the moment. In fact, you feel like throwing up. You should've know from the start, from the moment he was so unreasonably impressed with your lack of makeup at the beginning of the year.
Eunwoo was one of those guys.
"Um," You slide your heels back on and grab your clutch, "You know what, you stay. I'll go."
"Wait, what." His brows raise in half confusion and half surprise as he watches you stand up from your seat.
"Yeah, I'll walk home."
"Wait, Y/N. Why would you walk home? I already said I'd drop you off-"
"No thanks. I don't want to get in a car with a sexist."
"What?!" Eunwoo reels back, "What the fuck are you talking about?! I'm not a sexist! I respect women!"
You huff, turning to him with a glare. "You respect women who are "cool" and "chill" and basically act like men. You should've just taken one of your dudes to prom if these are your opinions. I'm out."
So, that's how you find yourself in your pretty dress sitting in one of the plastic chairs of a convenience store with a popsicle in your mouth as you watch the cars drive by. You were too embarrassed to arrive home so early, you hyped up prom night so much to your dad - you'd rather lie and tell him you had a good time.
If the night couldn't possibly get any shittier, while you eat away at your cherry popsicle feeling undeniably sorry for yourself, you hear a familiar laugh followed by sounds of shoes scuffing against the pavement towards the convenience store.
Of course. Of fucking course, Jung Wooyoung would show up now, when you needed him least.
You try to make yourself seem as small as possible in the plastic chair, hoping he or his two friends wouldn't notice you (which in retrospect was a dumb hope, you were sitting right by the entrance in a fucking prom dress).
Ever since Wooyoung graduated high school two years ago, you only saw him in passing. He'd come home for Christmas holidays or a week or two during the summers and you'd only catch him skunk out of his house and into his dad's car if you were lucky. Unlucky, that is of course.
Maybe you were hoping he wouldn't even recognize you and although it would kind of hurt (as embarrassing as that is to admit), you feel like it would be a better option.
But since you were on a roll tonight, obviously this is just another thing that doesn't go your way.
"Nice dress, Y/L/N." You hear Wooyoung's voice speak, followed by snickers from his idiotic friends and his own attempt at stifling his laughter as they walk past you and into the convenience store, the small bell above the door signaling their entrance.
That ends up being your last straw. 
You don't cause another fight or yell something back after him, no, you don't have the energy to do that tonight. Instead, you feel like you will cry.
Tears are already burning at your eyes and your bottom lip wobbles, you're not even aware that your eyes follow Wooyoung through the display of the store, watching him as he picks up a pack of beer and heads for the cashier.
He got even more painfully handsome than he was when you'd see him every day before he graduated. His hair was double toned, the top of it black and the bottom strands bleached, brushing the nape of his neck.
You think you could even see a tattoo peaking under his shirt as he moves.
Jung Wooyoung was so not your type. Not that you really knew what your type was but all the guys that you found cute in your high school years were athletes, jocks who were organized and dedicated to their routine which in your opinion showcased their maturity, got good grades and were respected by their peers. Wooyoung was really the complete opposite of that so it was hard to explain why you so weirdly hung up over his approval.
He's still laughing about something with his friends, it would hurt so badly if it was about you, as his eyes dart through the display and connect with your own.
Wooyoung does a double take before his big smile slowly slips and dare you say, eyes soften as he looks at you and his lips part as if he wants to say something. 
It could all be in your head though and you're feeling even worse now that he caught you staring at him like a total creep, so you throw your popsicle in the trash and get up with a sigh, slipping back into your heels and deciding to just go home.
-
"Hey, Y/L/N! Wait up, I'll give you a ride home!" Wooyoung calls out after you, the plastic bag swinging back and forth in his hand. 
He can hear Chanwook's hushed objection which Wooyoung chooses to ignore, instead focused on walking closer to you. You couldn't make it far since you were basically limping in your heels.
"No thanks." Wooyoung hears your response and rolls his eyes. He hasn't spoken to you in the last two years at all but he can see that nothing has changed much - you were still too stubborn for your own good.
You didn't even bother to turn back and look at him, instead you hitch your dress further up and continue up the street and away from the convenience store.
"Y/N, come on. Quit being a brat and just wait for me to bring the car around."
"I said no!" You yell over your shoulder and let out a small yelp when you stutter a bit on your feet. To Wooyoung, you resembled Bambi right now.
"I'm trying to help you!" He yells back, still following you, "Just let me drive you back-"
"Wooyoung, seriously, fuck off!" You turn to face him with red cheeks and teary eyes (maybe that's why he's insisting so badly to drive you home, you simply look pathetic), "I don't need your fucking help!"
Wooyoung reels back at your tone and harsh words and then a wave of embarrassment washes over him when he hears Chanwook and Eunhyuk laugh behind him, at the fact that he just got told off by his little neighbour.
The embarrassment is followed up by anger that prickles at his skin like needles, he scoffs and if there's one thing Wooyoung will be - it's petty; "Fine! Limp home in your stupid heels then, see if I give a shit!"
You don't give him a response and Wooyoung doesn't bother to look for it either, instead turns around on his feet and heads towards his car (his dad's car). But not before telling a laughing Chanwook to shut the fuck up.
But once he's in the car with the keys in the ignition, he stares at the steering wheel in obvious contemplation before letting out a small groan, "Fuck."
Wooyoung turns to Chanwook, "Sit in the back, please."
His friend looks at him in surprise and confusion. "What?"
"Just sit in the back, will you? Please." Wooyoung repeats, avoiding Chanwook's eyes but feeling his stumped stare.
"Wooyoung, you cannot be serious." His friend laughs in disbelief as if reading his mind, looking around before giving Wooyoung another incredulous look, "She just told you to fuck off!"
Eunhyuk is quiet in the back which is a huge relief for Wooyoung, he really didn't need to defend himself to his other friend too.
"I can't let her go by foot in the dark, you've seen her! She can barely walk!" Wooyoung says defensively to both of his friends as Chanwook moves to the back with a huff.
"And that's your problem...how?" Chanwook, like the annoying pest he is, asks.
"It's not...." Wooyoung trails off, trying to look for an excuse as to why he was going out of his way to give you a ride home. "But...but her dad would kill me if he knew I saw her and didn't drive her back. It's only right."
Chanwook smacks his lips obnoxiously loud, "Sure."
Wooyoung doesn't even need to turn around to know that his friend is giving him a very bold side eye right now.
Eunhyuk snorts but doesn't say anything else. Wooyoung is thankful for that at least.
"She probably won't even want to get in the car." Chanwook comments quietly as they reach you on the sidewalk. He ends up being ignored.
Wooyoung rolls the window of the old car down so he can talk to you, he has to say you're walking at an impressively slow pace. "Y/N, get in the car."
He hears you groan dramatically from the outside, "Jung, you're not my dad. Stop telling me what to do."
Wooyoung ignores Chanwook and Eunhyuk's snickers in the back once again, he grows even more irritated, "I'll call your fucking dad right now and tell him you're walking home alone this late. How about that?"
You turn to him with your glossy lips twisted into a scowl, "You wouldn't."
Always ready to prove a point or in this case, lie straight out of his ass, Wooyoung makes a show of stopping his car next to the sidewalk and fishing his phone from the pocket of his jacket before opening up his contacts and beginning to scroll. He doesn't even have your dad's number.
But Wooyoung is a professional bullshitter so he keeps pressing random buttons with a straight face and presses the phone to his ear before turning to you with his brows raised-
"Okay, fine!" You exclaim with an angry huff and start rounding his car as your cheeks flush a pretty pink color. Wait, pretty-? You open the door and angrily plop into the passenger's seat with a glare directed towards him, "Fucking snitch."
Wooyoung ignores you, locking his phone without another word and beginning to drive away.
There's an awkward silence in the car, only sounds being made are those of the plastic bags filled with beer that keep rustling in Eunhyuk's lap.
"This isn't the way to our street." You say and Wooyoung might be crazy but you almost sound a little nervous at that. He glances at you before it dawns onto him. Of course, you'd be feeling nervous.
It's nighttime and you're in a car with three dudes older than you who you don't know that well. Wooyoung didn't even bother telling you about his plan before he started driving. A curse runs through his head before he clears his throat,
"I'll just drop these two off at a party nearby and then drive you home." He murmurs, chest constricting a little when he sees you cross your hands over your chest, a gesture which makes you seem smaller.
"Wait, wha-" Chanwook, gosh he was really pissing Wooyoung off tonight, starts from the backseat. "Woo, I thought you were going too-"
"I will." Wooyoung interrupts him with a clenched jaw as he pulls up to the house where the party is held, "I'll drop Y/N off and then come back, it won't take more than fifteen minutes. Now get out- Wait, give me that bag right there."
Eunhyuk hands him one of the plastic bags and Wooyoung fishes through it and pulls out two blueberry ice creams out of it before giving the bag back to Eunhyuk. Which he bought for himself, of course. Not because he saw your popsicle melting on the pavement or anything.
Chanwook watches with a dropped jaw before huffing, Wooyoung hears him murmur, "Doing it for her dad, my ass-" 
"I'll be right back!" Wooyoung announces loudly, far too loudly, and Eunhyuk slams the car door shut so Wooyoung can drive away.
When he pulls away, the silence in the car is almost stifling so Wooyoung offers you the ice cream, "Here."
You look at him like a second head just popped out of his shoulder before looking back through the window and ignoring him completely. Wooyoung lets out a small groan. So stubborn.
"Oh my God, just take it." He says, placing the ice cream on your lap as he continues to drive. He bites back a smile when he sees you stare at the ice cream on your lap for a long second before grasping it and opening the wrapper so you can eat it.
Wooyoung really doesn't know what he's doing right now.
He doesn't know why he bought ice creams for you, he doesn't know why he insisted on getting rid of his friends first before dropping you off home, he has no idea why he keeps glancing at you every couple of seconds from the corner of his eye and he especially doesn't have a clue why he takes the longer route home.
When tomorrow comes and he wakes up hangover from the party and probably in someone else's bed, he'll give himself the same excuse he gave the boys. He wanted to make sure you got home safely because it's the right thing to do. There was nothing else to it.
But in this moment, right now, in the stifling silence and the breeze that flows through the opened window's because the air conditioning isn't working - Wooyoung notices things that he feels embarrassed to notice, or maybe he noticed them before but never allowed himself to appreciate them until tonight.
Like, how nice your bare neck and collarbones look now that your hair is pinned up in soft curls. A thin silver necklace graces your neck. Or how the two curled strands at the front frame your face prettily. Your eyelids are painted with something shimmery which Wooyoung doesn't know the name of and your cheekbones are a soft peach color intentionally placed there beforehand. 
Your glossy lips wrap around the ice cream cone and you bite off a huge chunk. 
"Why are you staring at me?" Wooyoung can decipher the question even through the mouthful of ice cream as you give him a slight glare.
Because you're pretty. Is what he wants to say, honest and bare, but he obviously can't because you're you and he's Wooyoung. "Because you have ice cream on your nose."
His hands tighten against the steering wheel when he sees you quickly look to the side and wipe at your nose self-consciously. You blush a scarlet red from the embarrassment. Great, now he feels like an asshole.
Wooyoung clears his throat, "Why did you look so sad? Back there, in front of the store."
He has no idea why he's trying to make conversation with you. You two never do that, never did. The closest thing to a conversation between Wooyoung and you would be the arguments you'd have in the middle of the school hallway when he'd tease you for your braces.
Those came off as well, by the way, he can see the pearly white teeth perfectly aligned now as you speak. No longer crooked. Maybe he'd like to see them pulled up in a smile but that's borderline wishful thinking now. You smiling at Wooyoung? Yeah, right.
"No reason." You tell him quietly, slumping in your seat as you continue to eat your ice cream. You sigh with an eyeroll, "Just...prom sucked."
Likely thing to happen.
The key is to go to prom with your expectations so low that you can only go up from there but Wooyoung had an inkling feeling that having low expectations wasn't in your nature.
Besides, you were a jock. He remembers even when you were a freshman, you were already running with the popular crowd without even being aware of it, with the athletes and the cheerleaders. Prom night is sort of a pinnacle of the high school experience for people like you.
Guess it's a bummer that you look like you had a shit time.
He hums, "At the end of the day, it's just another Friday night. Nothing special. So even if it sucked, you'll get over it."
Maybe he wasn't the best at giving advice or comforting people.
You side eye him and he pretends not to see it before you quietly add, "I don't usually spend a year worth of allowance on just another Friday night."
Wooyoung cracks a smile, teasing you being a second nature even if you barely spoke since he graduated, "What? Did you expect a prince charming to sweep you off your feet so you two can dance the night away or something? I didn't know you were into that corny shit, Y/L/N."
He hears you scoff, cheeks still red as you roll your eyes, seriously annoyed, "Whatever. Forget I said anything."
Wooyoung's gives a forced snicker just to annoy you before his smile drops again and his eyes flutter shut for a moment out of pure frustration at his own stupidity, internally cursing himself. If shooting yourself in the foot was a person - it would have Jung Wooyoung's photo and name posted under it.
Why can't you just be nice to her?
The air in the car turns even more awkward and Wooyoung shifts uncomfortably in his seat while you continue to eat your ice cream in silence as you stare through the window.
He slows down in front of your house just when you're finishing your ice cream.
You crumple the wrapper in your hand, place the second ice cream on the dashboard and grab the small bag laying on your lap before grabbing the door handle.
"I hope," Wooyoung starts and when you turn to look at him, he's overcome with a sudden coughing fit which is really just awkwardness and the need to fix whatever the fuck he broke a little even more tonight, "Uh, hope you took some good pictures tonight at least because..."
He trails off, feeling like it was his first time flirting with a girl. Wait, what the fuck. He was not flirting with you. Not even a little bit. Wooyoung was simply trying to pay you a compliment. Simple as that. It doesn't have to be anything more. You don't even need to be friends to pay someone a compliment, in fact, Wooyoung is positive that regular archnemeses complimented each other at least once.
Unfortunately, compliments aren't the norm between the two of you, so whatever nice thing he says feels wrong.
Your brows raise.
"You know," He trails off, scratching the back of his neck in an attempt to seem cool and collected. He nonchalantly adds but his side glances might give him away, fortunately you're too much of a ditz to notice, "You look good."
You stare at him for a long moment, seriously it's so long that he almost changes his mind and adds an insult just so you two would be back in those familiar waters of bickering and teasing each other but then your eyebrows fall back down and a scowl overtakes your features.
"Yeah, right." You mumble and Wooyoung almost feels insulted for some reason but then you continue, "Thanks for the ride."
And then you're out of the car and already moving across your front lawn before Wooyoung can snap out of it and remember to turn the car back on.
-
19 and 21 years old;
"10 more minutes! Y/L/N stop arguing with that asshole and get back into your position before you're out of the game completely!" 
Your coach is red in the face from all the shouting and you know what's good for you, so you keep your mouth shut as you run to your spot, thoroughly ignoring the glare your team's captain shoots at you from your right.
The 'asshole' that your coach is referring to is the referee who didn't count a player from the rival team almost breaking your leg by bulldozing into you - as a foul.
"-stole Eunha's position from her and can't even play properly." You hear a snicker behind you and don't even have to turn to know who it's directed at.
Despite it being only your first semester, you haven't made the greatest impression on your teammates (nor did you try all that much to change that impression). 
So for the time being, when there was no rival team, you were the collective enemy in the changing rooms and on the practice field. A freshman who kicked their friend from the spot she had since she started college. A freshman who thought she was better than the rest of her team. A freshman who didn't know how to behave at times. A freshman that made them run extra laps because she was bad at remembering all the new rules at times.
And now, a freshman that was playing badly and fucking up things for the rest of them.
"Y/N!" A hiss from your right is heard and your eyes zero in on your captain, Jihyo, who is staring at you. "Focus."
You swallow harshly and give her a quick now before focusing your gaze to the front.
In high school, you weren't used to losing. You were a winner, it's what you prided yourself in. Failure wasn't an option when it came to football.
But turns out in college, when all the other players are as good as you, winning isn't as easy.
In fact it’s a lot harder than you thought it would be. Nearing the end of the first half the score sheet is still empty and it annoys all of the players and the fans as well. The weirdest thing is how ball is not even on your team's side of the field most of the time; your defenders did not have a very entertaining start of the game in comparison to defenders from Busan, who already look out of breath from all of the attacks to their side. Not to mention that they keep teaming up on you specifically.
You can’t pinpoint what exactly is wrong and why there was no goal to this point; half of you thinks it’s because you didn’t blend well with the team. 
"Run, run, run!" Yeonjin shouts, when Sinb loses the ball and Busan’s midfielders rush to their side.
The spike of adrenaline energizes you and your eyes zero on the ball, running after it. Mina’s figure passes from your left and both of you corner the midfielder, successfully getting the ball to your side. You have it and quickly pass it to Yeonjin, seeing her signal for the ball. You watch her run off when a body collides with your own and the impact is so strong, you lose your balance, falling down.
‘What?’ You ask yourself in disbelief not understanding how you're sprawled across the grass again, slowly standing up. At first you're shell-shocked but now anger fills you to the brim when you see that it's the same girl who intentionally collided with you the first time, watching you with a smug smirk and then you're just  ready to fight.
 You push back at her and get even angrier when the bitch doesn't fall. 
"Are you going to go tattle to mommy?" She asks with a mocking concern and you can’t hear anything; you even forget that you are in the middle of the game because your anger turns your vision red. 
With a loud groan, you launch towards her and grab her by the shirt, screaming to her face that 'she's a cunt'. There are hands around you, pulling you away, trapping you and not letting you go even when you try to break free.
Jihyo's face is in front of you and you can't register what she's saying but you can see her turn red from how pissed off she is. Maybe it's better if you're not listening to her, if you can't hear anyone actually...but then-
"Hey, number nine! You better not fucking cry!"
At first, you think the loud yell came from somewhere on the field. You thought another player from the Busan team was talking shit. And then,
"Number nine! Crybaby!"
There's some laughter in the audience and it's then that you realize the voice is shouting from the fucking bleachers.
A teammate is already pulling you in the opposite direction but your eyes are glued to crowd sitting on the sidelines, the annoying voice insistently yelling. Crybaby. Crybaby. Crybaby.
The worst part is that the voice sounds so painfully familiar, you just can't put your finger on it. Who.
You're about to let it go. You're about to be the bigger person and not act like a total brute on the field, just let it go Y/N. But then-
"Hey, hey crybaby!" You stop in your tracks, head whipping to the direction the voice was coming from and eyes coasting over the bleachers. "What kind of hill did you roll down from that you don't even know how to push someone back properly?!"
Finally, you spot it. Him. In a red hoodie, making sure to stand out in the sea of blue. It's no wonder the voice sounded so eerily familiar, you've heard it screaming at you for the majority of your childhood and a good chunk of your teen years. 
Because he rolled down the same hill as you with only a street separating you.
When he realizes that you've caught onto him, he gives you that smile. That grin that never led to anything good, pearly white teeth gleaming under the lights of the bleachers as he taunts you.
You blood pressure jumps so, you take a deep breath and....scream;
"Jung Wooyoung!"
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itgirlgyu · 1 year ago
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would this txt guy punch me if i ask him to?
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context: toothache. warning: gaslighting. violence.
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✷ yeonjun!
no!
honestly i think he's too much pussy to punch.
he'd be there like, with sweat running down his forehead.
his fist shaking, and his voice trembling.
if we pay even more attention to his cowardice, we could hear his teeth chattering and his chin wobbling.
his wussy behavior would put me off
instead we just visit the dentist on his debit card
he can't be more thankful for that even though now he's in debt because of it.
✷ soobin!
he's been waiting for a chance honestly.
"soobin could you punch me bro i hav—"
"aight square up."
he's taken the right position to land the perfect punch.
he's hunched back and has been pulling his wrist back while supporting it with his other hand.
and in that moment he looks like he's actually taking his vengeance instead of helping you
there's a literal twinkle in his eyes.
that's not the soobin we know.
i fear for my life so i will be fleeing that scene
and ending my friendship.
✷ beomgyu!
he might.
some gaslighting and emotional blackmailing needed tho.
he's like, "no how could i?"
while removing his rings and freeing the tension in his wrist, getting ready to hit the mark.
might shed tears as he measures the distance and the amount of force he might need to excert.
enlightenment hits like this man would actually end up caving my jaw in
so i refuse with a flower in my hands as peace treaty 🌹
he agrees and we both hapilly live together while planning an extensive plan to get shit done on someone else's bill.
✷ taehyun!
straight up refuses without even listening to the reasoning.
refuses even more vehemently after listening to the reasoning.
like he too is a hater of capitalism but apparently refusing to going to the dentist is something only an imbecile would do
sure taehyun that doesn't sound like hypocrisy at all 🙄
might start lecturing on dental hygiene and then gives an array of things to help the ache
okay but i would literally bite my own tongue to stop myself from making even a bit of sound in front of him
bc you make one sound and he's looks like he'd grab your hair and drag you to the dentist.
✷huening kai.
yeah lmao he wouldn't.
although he'd empathise
but that's all he would do.
does a lil "oh poor you" everytime he comes in and then back to going whatever he had been doing.
might ask after a day or two like oh how's your toothache?
probably uses this chance and make a gift list with whole mouth wash, and pain killer and all that basket for christmas.
doesn't eat anything sweet in front of you bc he thinks it's rude.
oh my poor hyuka ily
but a true blue idgaf king.
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i do not apologise for shit posting. ⋆
COPYRIGHTS RESERVED TO ITGIRLGYU 23'. FEEDBACKS AND REBLOGS ARE APPRECIATED! PERM' TAGLIST: @impureperhaps @full-sunnies @ox1-lovesick @jisungsdaydreamer @wonioml @1921choi @forever-in-the-sky @beoms-sugar @gyuletters
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slutforsilverfoxes · 1 year ago
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Prejudice & Pride
[A/N: Me: has a terrible interaction with a tech. Me immediately after escaping from said interaction: starts drafting Hotch feat. praise kink bc he Would Not Stand For This 🥺 It’s consequently more fluff than my other kinktober posts, pls indulge me]
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x gender neutral reader (praise kink)
🎃🖤🎃🖤🎃🖤🎃🖤🎃🖤
Aaron can’t help the smile that graces his face when he walks in to find his apartment smelling like your newest candle obsession, bought on a whim during a recent excursion to the mall because it sniffs like your cologne. He spots the key he had given you on the hook by the door, the smile on his face widening when he drops his own set of keys beside it. “Honey?” he calls out into the dimly lit space. “We caught a tailwind, so I’m back early.”
“Living room,” you answer, tone void of your usual excitement to have him home with you.
“Hey,” he croons upon entering the living room, noting a half-empty bottle of moscato on the table by the melting candle and your body bundled up on the couch. “Rough day?”
With a sniffle, you part with your wine glass and look up at him with a pout that tugs at his heartstrings. “Fucking shit day. I’m so happy you’re home,” you sigh, reaching your hands up toward him.
Aaron takes the hint, shedding his suit jacket and loosening his tie before lifting you into his arms and settling on the couch with you in his lap. His hands immediately go to work, one softly scratching along your spine, the other carding through your hair.
“Baby,” you whisper, tracing his lips with your index finger before pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I know you found the missing kiddos, but are you okay? Cases with kids are always hard on you.”
“Oh, angel,” he sighs, pausing his soothing patterns to give you an affectionate squeeze. “I’m glad they’re home safe with their parents.”
“You’re so good at what you do, Aaron,” you say, voice wavering with awe and a hint of sadness, if he’s not mistaken. “I’m so, so proud of you.”
He brushes a strand of hair off your forehead before tilting your chin up until your gaze meets his. “Did someone make you feel like you’re not?”
“See?” you ask, bottom lip trembling. “You’re a damn good profiler.”
“Tell me what happened.”
You launch into a blow by blow recounting of your no good, very bad day from only getting to down two sips of your coffee before being pulled into a case to working with a technician who made you feel downright incompetent. “-and the thing is, the thing is, I was alone in the OR with my patient- anesthetized okay?”
“I’m following,” Aaron says with a nod, swiping at the errant tears of frustration running down your heated cheeks.
“So clearly I know what I’m doing, right?”
“Of course you do,” he’s quick to affirm, lips tugging into a frown at the doubt blanketing your words.
“And he was fine. Stable throughout, no issues in recovery or anything. And she was kind of nice to me afterwards? I don’t know,” you sigh, voice dropping low while you distract yourself playing with his tie. “I just felt really stupid about every little decision I made. Maybe I’m not cut out for this field.”
“Excuse me?”
You balk at the subtle growl in Aaron’s voice, looking up at him meekly. “Aar, I-”
“I know you didn’t work your ass off to get into this program, spend sleepless days and nights studying, and rack up hours upon hours of experience at the hospital just to let one technician’s shitty attitude dissuade you from following your dreams.”
Overcome with emotion, tears pool in your eyes again and you shake your head at his much needed tough love.
“This-” He cups your face in his large hands before continuing, “This is your passion, baby. You were meant to do this, to help and heal those who need it most. And you are not going to let others’ bitterness stand in your way. Am I clear?”
Managing to muster up a smile, you nod and respond, “Clear, Unit Chief Hotchner, sir.”
“I’m serious.”
“I know you are. You have your Hotch frown on,” you tease, swiping your thumb across his downturned bottom lip.
His frown deepens at your playful ribbing, and he rises abruptly so that you’re forced to wrap your legs around his waist and cling to him while he strides purposefully down the hallway towards the master bedroom. “You don’t understand how serious I am about this,” he accuses, and you dot his neck with kisses while assuring, “No, no, I definitely do, and I appreciate you for it.”
“But your confidence is still shaken,” he intuits, and he can feel the sigh that rattles through you in response. “Well that simply won’t do, sweetheart.”
__________
“Say it,” Aaron growls out, a bead of sweat dripping from his forehead onto your flushed chest when his hips meet yours again.
You let out a pitiful moan, raking your nails down his back at the overwhelming sensation of fullness.
“Say. It.” He repeats the command, each word punctuated with a harsh thrust that has you seeing stars.
“I’m smart,” you rasp out, thighs quaking in their elevated position. Aaron has you nearly folded in half, knees practically pressed to your chest while he rails you like he can imbue confidence into you with his cock alone.
“And?” he prompts with another gasp-inducing drive of his hips.
“I’m good at what I do?” you offer quietly, somehow succeeding in looking sheepish while he splits you in half.
He pinches your nipple harshly and you cry out, now meeting his fiery gaze with one of your own. “Was that a question or a statement?”
“I’m good at what I do,” you amend, tugging on his hair as he fucks you without abandon.
“That’s it, baby,” he croons, bending down to swipe his lips across yours. You whimper into his mouth, the change in angle somehow helping him drive even deeper into your spent body. He nibbles on your bottom lip before pulling back with a satisfied grin. “You’re brilliant, aren’t you, my little doctor?” Tucking your chin between his thumb and index finger, he moves your head into a nod. “You’re only dumb when you’re drunk on my cock.”
A moan falls past your parted lips at that, and Aaron laughs low in his throat. “Poor thing,” he tuts, “I’m amazed you can string full sentences together right now.”
“Can’t,” you cry in response. “Need you. Need you to fill me up, Daddy, please.”
He takes your ankles in his hands and wraps your legs around his torso, stalling his movements with his hips flush to yours. “You want Daddy to be nice to you?”
Driving your heels into his lower back, you moan, “Oh god, yes.”
“Are you going to be nice to yourself, little one?” Desperate for release, you sniffle and nod diligently. Aaron sucks a bruising kiss into the sensitive skin at the junction of your neck and shoulder and growls out, “Promise?”
“Promise,” you answer immediately, breathless.
“Did so well for me, baby, so well,” he praises, his hand moving between your bodies to expertly take you over the edge, and you cling to him like your life depends on it as fireworks explode behind your closed eyelids. “My good little love. So smart, so beautiful, so perfect.”
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esmes · 1 year ago
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don't mind me - just some rainy day musings bc sweeney todd 2023 has rotted my brain
someone's tags on a gifset got me thinking about 2023 revival lovett and todd and the special something their dynamic has. there's something about this particular iteration of these characters and their relationship, especially as we see it evolve throughout the show (even as we've seen it evolve throughout the show's run), that just makes mrs lovett's betrayal and her death at his hands hit hard. i know, i know - she deserves it. she lies! she's a lying liar. her deceit is no small thing. any one of us would be incensed to have been misled the way she misleads sweeney. even if a small part of her may have done it, as she says, to spare him having to see what became of his lucy, the larger part was certainly to serve her own interests.
but there's something about how close mrs lovett gets to bringing sweeney around to her this time that just gets me carried away. they're not just business partners - they're lovers, they're co-conspirators, and they're sort of each other's only friend in the world. at this point, he indulges her flights of fancy. they know each other intimately. they joke with each other! he's likely had to listen to countless hours of her prattling on about her thoughts, hopes, and wishes. this is a man who, at this point in the show, is slitting people's throats without remorse. and yet he spends the evening on the sofa cleaning his pipe while he patiently listens to his girlfriend rave about a seaside wedding. when she takes his hand, he doesn't wrench himself from her grasp like he used to. he doesn't get up and walk out, which he could do. he accepts her - her presence, her company, her warmth. he may struggle to admit it to himself, but he does. he can concede that he loves her - just a little bit, though he can't quite bring himself to say the words. sweeney is fiercely loyal to lucy's memory, so much so that he clearly couldn't ever wholly give his heart to someone else, but, in that moment after "by the sea", you can see that he's softened toward lovett. they were both alone a long time before this, after all.
it's not the stuff of great love songs, but it's something. it's almost enough.
this is what ultimately makes the final living moments between them all the more heartbreaking. mrs lovett has always been a sympathetic character to me - a villain, sure, but not without her reasons. she's a woman alone in a brutal world. whether the character is an older or a younger iteration, she's been alone for a desperately long time. when sweeney returns to her after all this time, she sees her moment and she takes it. she's not letting her second chance at life get away from her without a few claw marks.
when sweeney kills her, he sheds no tears over it - but the grudging fondness we'd seen him beginning to feel toward her only serves to emphasize how monstrous of a deception it is. his "you LIED to me" comes out in an anguished roar. when he throws her in that oven, all the light goes out from the world. it takes my breath away every time. though it should, it doesn’t quite feel like justice.
i know not everyone loves annaleigh's interpretation, but i have maintained from the first time i saw this revival that the warmth she brings, the honeyed, deluded, comical sweetness that lures sweeney into believing life with her could be tolerable, if not ideal, was a brilliant choice.
that's why the leap into hell together works for me. some productions have had sweeneys that barely tolerate their lovetts, so a cold diverging of paths makes sense. these two definitely fall into a different category. it makes sense to me for this sweeney and lovett's ultimate fate to be each other. who else would it be? lucy did nothing wrong - she's not going where he's going. having made lovett pay for her lies, they can head on down (hand in unlovable hand!!!!!!!) to live out the almost-enough life they created with each other. and sure, her chirping his ear off for eternity would certainly make an appropriate punishment for his crimes.
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lightfeltmemories · 4 months ago
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GECKO MORIA: NSFW ALPHABET
note: i have no idea how this guy managed to pull me in but he's all i think about as of current, that is until i inevitably find a new interest and then THAT takes over my mind, i wasn't aware this guy had a sizable fanbase at first and posted my other set of headcanons as some self indulgent thing but hey! were here!
tags and warnings: afab!reader bc it's easier, blood & marking, breeding, praise kink, brief mentions of period sex.
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A - Aftercare
I feel like Moria would be decent at aftercare, he's lazy as sin but he loves you enough to put in the effort to make you comfortable and happy, so, depending on how much work it takes, he'll nine times out of ten do it himself or have his shadow do it for him.
B - Body Part
His favorite body part on himself are his hands or teeth, both are sharp enough for marking his territory.
His favorite body part on you is your neck or your hips, when it comes to your neck, you will have marks all over afterwards, his teeth will lightly break the skin, drawing some blood but not enough to make any possibly dangerous marks, when it comes to your hips, he's always got his hand on him, whether it be the two of you in front of the other mysterious 3, or when he's ramming his cock in and out of you, holding on to those dear hips.
C - Cum
Considering his massive size, his cum could probably fill a small bucket in one go, but he doesn't cum quite a lot, maybe it could fill a cup? But we have to be realistic, his cum does not taste good, like at all, you might even find yourself gagging at the taste, that's how bad it is, sorry i had to do this to him but he doesn't strike me as the type to have cum that's decent to swallow.
He greatly prefers cumming in you, and if not, oddly enough, on your face, his dick gets back up when he see's your face full of his cum and seeping into your mouth... until you gag, but hey, he might find that hot, too.
D - Dirty Secret
Absalom has heard your moans before, and Moria at this point is probably aware, so, one of these days, they had a very private conversation about letting the perverted lion watch and jerk it as he completely destroys you, he can watch, but he will not touch. (if you couldn't tell, i live for possessive Moria.)
E - Experience
Living a good chunk of his life as a pirate especially a captain has opened a door to experiencing sexual encounters with both men and women, but they were only hookups and nothing else, so in terms of true romantic intimacy, he isn't the most experienced in that area, and when he did for the first time with you, he damn near cried.
G - Goofy
There are some lighthearted moments during sex, some light laughs here and there. (oh dear god him going "KISHISHISHI" during sex is so cringe.)
H - Hair
He's... not that hairy naturally, so not much grooming goes on down there, and yes, the carpets match the drapes, or the drapes match the carpets.. shit idk.
Now on you, he has a preference for at least some hair to be down there (though he won't turn down anything bald either), his dick jumps when he parts his fingers and in between your hairy folds appears your glistening light colored labia, he's quite a fan of the natural look.
I - Intimacy
Like i mentioned before, he didn't have much experience outside of mindless fucking, and may have shed some tears at his first intimate experience, and after this, he may have preferred something softer with you, he'll take his precious time with you, appreciating, worshiping and loving every part of your body.
J - Jack Off
He's did it plenty of times as a young man, but now that he's older, he just.. stopped doing it as often, maybe if he just wants to blow off some steam he'll get a quick one in, i mean they guys old so he probably doesn't have the urge all the time anyway.
K - Kinks
Here we go.
I mentioned in my set of headcanons that he potentially has a breeding kink, this ties into his affinity for cumming in you, the concept of your belly growing, tits fat and swollen with milk, the first time the concept made him hard he didn't mind having another little one running around.
Praise kink 1,000%, tell him how big his cock is, how you love when he touches right there, how you want him and only him to fuck you like this, but he also loves to tell you how tight and wet you are, and how you're taking him so good, how heavenly your moans sound.
Not a shocker but he loves spit roasting with his shadow, they'll hold you down by your wrists as he eats you out or pumps his dick in and out of you, he also likes to watch as he summons a part of a shadow to fuck you (like a tentacle or some shit yk what i mean) if he's feeling particularly horny but too lazy to do anything about it.
Depending on your size this guy lives for bite marks and hickeys, he will put those shark teeth to use in bed, the sight of a little blood during the deed makes him feral, he doesn't want to genuinely hurt you or draw too much blood, just enough to make a bead and to lick away. (he's also a fan of period sex for this exact reason.)
Size Kink, i feel like i shouldn't have to elaborate further but i will anyway, even if you're also freakishly tall yourself but he still manages to tower over you, he'll pick you up and use you as a living breathing fleshlight, carrying you with one hand as he pumps. But i've also been thinking about you being taller than him, i feel like he would find that so hot, honestly.
And lastly, he might, no, really wants to try some light forms of bdsm, tying you up to where you can't move makes him so damn hard, especially if your eyes are covered to where you can't see anything, the reaction you'll have when the tip of his cock head pokes your soaking wet pussy. But he doesn't want to try it on just you, but also on himself, sometimes he wants you to take control, a blindfold covering his eyes as you use your mouth on him, fondling his balls and kitten licking his tip.
L - Location
Anywhere that's private within his estate, he can't lie that the thought of getting caught turns him on just a little, not the biggest fan of fucking outdoors because the guys a whopping 22 feet tall, he'll get caught easily that way (don't ask it's different.)
M - Motivation
It kind of varies, on some days the mere thought of you will get him going, when he's looking at you, he's starting to notice that the dress you're wearing shows a little more skin and curves than usual, you accidentally dropping something in front of him and the shape of your ass has him picturing himself ramming his cock inside, but on some other days, it'll take some elbow grease and a dream to get a tent in this guys pants.
N - NO
Besides the usual scat and pee, i don't think he has anything that will genuinely turn him off.
O - Oral
You can't tell me he's not an eater, and if you try to i'm not listening because he can use his tongue like a penis knowing his massive size, he loves tongue fucking you, and teasing your little clit, you'll cum in such little time with him it's not even funny.
He loves getting blowjobs, the only problem is his massive belly is always blocking the view (he would put a mirror in front of himself just to see you go down on him), his balls in particular are sensitive as hell, so if you fondle them as you're deep throating him, he won't last too long either.
P - Pace
He's a slow and sensual guy, kind of always has been, fast and rough sex is overrated, especially at his age.
Q - Quickie
I feel like he wouldn't see a point in them? Sex isn't meant to be quick to him.
R - Risk
He won't turn one down that's for sure, just depends on how risky it actually is.
S - Stamina
He's got good stamina, surprisingly, he's just a lazy little shit and doesn't feel like continuing on... wait wouldn't that mean his stamina isn't that good? Idk this guy's confusing sometimes.
T - Toys
The only "toy" you have as of late is his shadow, but i feel like he'll be pretty open to using other toys as well.
U - Unfair
Oh he's a tease, his favorite type of moans from you are the ones where you're begging him to stop playing and just fuck you, but he doesn't give in that easily.
V - Volume
The streets are saying he's loud, and i can't lie, i agree, if you're making him feel good, you'll definitely know by his deep groans, i don't see him as a moaner (i feel like he'll definitely whimper), but he's not a quiet man in the bedroom.
W - Wild Card
I love this headcanon for him, but his horns and the tip of his ears are sensitive, almost like an erogenous zone, they're also pretty ticklish, absolutely no one knows this, and not many people are tall enough to touch him there and find out.
Y - Yearning
His libido is pretty low, sex is not that important in your relationship and he's more focused on other things.
Z - Zzz
You won't even realize he's fallen asleep, that's how quick he is.
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kivaember · 8 months ago
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some soft viv621... post-LoR ending where Rusty lives bc I'm wilfully delusional about his survival ok
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The outpost was more like a makeshift camp congregated within the walls of an old industrial complex. The electric grid was functional here, still chugging along after a planetary disaster and decades of neglect (say what you will about the Institute, but they built things to last), identifying it as a suitable base of operation for this sector's clean-up.
'Clean-up' being hunting down the last dregs of corporate interlopers and ejecting them from Rubicon - usually by shoving them off the mortal coil. There'd been reports of a few Arquebus loyalists holed up in an old water refinery plant, and they had two HCs in their possession, making them an intolerable threat...
Also, the Liberation Front also wanted that water refinery plant. While it wasn't fully functional, a bit of elbow grease would have its fresh water production rise from 1% to at least 20%, and from there they could start rebuilding the city's ruined infrastructure from the ground up - the first step in Rubicon's revival.
But Rusty was getting ahead of himself.
Reconstruction, independence... that was outside of his current cares or duties right now. The only thing he needed to focus on was rooting out the last of the corporate ticks still stubbornly clinging onto their world, and while it was a tedious slog sometimes, dispersed as they were and hunkered down amongst valuable infrastructure, he could admit to some malicious vindication at finally getting to bare his fangs and tear them to shreds.
He was disappointed Snail hadn't survived the Xylem, really. He would've loved to have him witness the slow fall of Arquebus on Rubicon by being hunted down like a rat. Ah well. You couldn't have everything in life, he supposed.
Rusty sighed as he leaned back on his rickety fold-out cot, fighting the urge to rub his eyes to clear the slight blurriness from them. He was sitting in his 'tent', a small one that could just about squeeze two cots in with enough room to walk between them, the plans for the water refinery plant sprawled out on his lap. Someone had managed to find the hardcopy of them, miraculously, but it meant Rusty was forced to use his Mark One Eyeball to study the layout, rather than having a digital version his implants could reference on demand.
It was important they got this water refinery plant without causing any further damage to it... but damn, Rusty felt like he was going cross-eyed, staring at the tiny print and thin lines...
A rustle drew his attention, and he looked up to see Raven skulking into their tent with a displeased air about him, a gust of snowy wind chasing his ice-crusted boots.
Rusty smiled.
"Cold, buddy?" he asked teasingly, looking his friend up and down. Raven was bundled up in what looked like two thick coats, a scarf concealing half of his face and a beanie crammed over his head, dark curls peeking out from underneath its hem. Snow stuck to his legs in thick, icy clumps, and Raven stood unhappily at the tent's entranceway, trying - and failing - to stomp the frozen snow off of him.
"Ah, hold on. Let me..."
Rusty folded up the plans and tossed them carelessly onto his cot, before standing up and moving to assist Raven. Carefully, he prised off the icy snow with his bare hands, the bite of cold against his fingers not really bothering him. Raven made a vague, appreciative noise when Rusty was done, and they moved to sit on their respective cots facing each other.
The heater positioned between their cots was promptly cranked up a few degrees. Raven still didn't shed any of his warm kit.
"How're you finding the rough living?" Rusty asked, already knowing the answer. Raven had been exuding an aura of pure misery for over a week now. "Not too hard on you, is it?"
Raven gave him a dead-eyed stare.
"Well, give it a few weeks, and we might get an actual building we can set up base in," Rusty said, trying not to smirk at Raven's - admittedly adorable - sulking. "Won't have to go outside to take a piss and risk getting a frostbitten dick, then."
Raven outright grimaced, and he fumbled with his pocket to withdraw his communication device. After very reluctantly removing his thick mittens, his fingers pale and stiff, he typed: «I don't know how you stand it.»
Rusty's smile turned sympathetic. "Experience."
Raven grunted at that dissatisfactory answer.
"You'll get used to it eventually." Or, maybe not, as Raven had been on Rubicon for months and still wasn't used to it. Maybe it was a Gen Four thing, the lack of cold resilience? Or, more likely, a Raven thing. "But for now..."
Rusty leaned back fractionally and held his arms open. "How about I help you thaw out, hm?"
Raven didn't hesitate. He rose from his cot and did a 180 turn to primly sit down on Rusty's lap. The bottom of his coat(s) had chunks of frozen snow sticking to it, so Rusty got a delightful shock of cold on certain, erm, areas that had his toes curling in his boots from the sharpness of it before the chill faded. He ruefully resigned himself to having a distinctive wet patch on his crotch for a bit.
"There we go." Rusty wrapped his arms around Raven's midriff, and gently caught his hands in his own. Raven's hands were tiny compared to his, easily engulfed in his own, his fingers like ice and almost stark white, they were so bloodless. It made the pink scars along the joints stand out vividly.
He rested his cheek against Raven's beanie, the wool a little scratchy. It smelled of exhaust. Probably spent time in the makeshift garage they had set up. He could feel Raven shiver, the double-coat layer not hiding how skinny he was beneath the fabric's bulk.
"No wonder you're always cold... you're basically skin and bones," Rusty murmured. "I'll ask if you can have your rations increased, get some bulk on you."
Raven made a vague, humming noise of acknowledgement.
They sat like that for a while. Raven stopped shivering, and Rusty admittedly began to drowse off, even if he started to lose blood circulation to his legs. Outside of the tent, the noise of a bustling camp filtered through: the growl of heavy-duty trucks, the thrum of heli-transporters arriving and departing, and shouts and chatter and laughter. Morale was high amongst the Liberation Front, for obvious reasons.
The PCA had been chased off the planet, its precious 'System' nothing but mangled metal deep in the Depths. The corporations had been humiliated and left with a broken nose, with only pockets of loyalists that had been abandoned by their corporate masters to die was 'rogue elements' on a planet actively hostile to them. Slowly but surely, the Liberation Front was reclaiming their home, mile by painful mile.
It was hard, gruelling work. The infrastructure was intact in only a few, certain locations, and most of them military complexes. Attempting to rebuild domestic and civilian infrastructure from that was slow going, but possible, and now that they weren't actively fighting for survival from the PCA or the corporations... they were finally making progress.
They were going to rebuild a city here, with running water and electricity and homes, and establish a sustainable hydrophonics and mealworm farm, and bring online the long-neglected fabrication foundry nearby. It'll take time, a lot of time, but it was a goal every single one of them were fixated on achieving - while they had the time.
Everyone knew the corporations were going to come back. In larger numbers, and with UEG backing, more likely. In that time, Rubicon needed to shore up its defences, finishing seizing and integrating PCA's weaponry and tech into their militia, and see if they could regain control over the Institute's rogue C-Weapons that were aimlessly milling across the countryside, freed from the frozen, subterranean tomb.
Rusty still couldn't believe it was happening, really. He'd dreamed of it, of course, had aimed to achieve this exact thing... yet still, he couldn't believe it. It had such a low chance of success, and it only worked because of...
He tightened his arms around Raven's waist, giving him a squeeze. Raven made a quiet, prompting noise.
"...not sure if I ever said 'thank you'," Rusty murmured, his voice muffled by Raven's beanie. "All of this... we couldn't've done it without you, buddy."
Raven was still for a moment, before he fumbled for something. His communication device.
«You did all the hard work. I just helped at the end.»
"Still..." Rusty butted his head gently against Raven's. "Thanks."
Raven made a shrugging motion, still awkward and uncomfortable in the face of honest gratitude. It was slow going, deprogramming him from his days as a hound lacking in any agency, teaching him to say 'no' or to express his opinions. But much like Rubicon's reconstruction, Raven was rebuilding himself too, day by day, inch by inch.
Slowly but surely.
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neurantics-theythem · 1 year ago
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TW: religious trauma, community-related trauma
When you’re raised in a tight knit strict religious community, no one tells you that you could lose it all, every friend, every mentor, every person you looked up to. Of course the threat is always there, because that’s how they keep you behaving correctly. But there’s never any plan to behave incorrectly. But even if you do behave exactly the way they want you to, nothing is actually protecting you from being devoured by them. And the first time they devour you, you pretend it didn’t happen bc these people “were just doing what they believed was right before God.”
Then you grow up and go to college…
But no one tells you that the same exact wolf that devoured you then might be here too, just in a different sheep’s clothing. A New Community, with fresh paint, a catchy name, a trendy coffee shop and a pastor in skinny jeans. It’s Hip ™️ And they say to you they would Never do what the others did, what the others did was Not God’s Heart. So you naively trust them and dive into the deep end. You pour everything out, only months later, to climb out dazed and stumbling away only barely realizing you were being used to fit their narrative. They were using you as their poster Prodigal Girl …except for the fact that up until that point you had never even “run away” from the church.
But now, you were running for your life, bc once again the wolf was shedding its clothing and coming to devour your soul.
You run to a little corner of the internet and find comfort with other people like you… queer and traumatized. And as foolish as it sounds you begin slowly trusting a community… again….
Until that little community tears itself apart bc, as we all know, hurt people hurt people.
And if 3rd times the charm, then that 3rd time trying to “find community” was plenty charming.
So now you just watch people in their lives. Wondering if they’re happy. Wondering if their lives turned out the way they had hoped. Wondering if their cishet wedding was everything their little hearts dreamed it would be. Wondering if they’re buying that Turkey in preparation for a friends gathering of their wonderful, uplifting, encouraging church community that never fails them or let’s them down.
At least…. that’s what I do.
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tealime9 · 2 years ago
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Animal death and grieving underneath
Long LONG post
My pet rat died today
Im.
I shed many tears. Im still holding some.
I had taken her to the vet and she stayed At night, she seemed better for a moment and I had Hope.
But as morning came, it was told to me how she wasnt doing só well.
Once I was able, I rushed out of work to see her. I could feel that she wasnt gonna make it.
For my great heartbreak, she died 30 minutes before I could 3ven leave work, The doctor meant to call me after work as I explained The night before I was coming out by 1 PM.
I.. Didnt get to see her before her Poor little heart gave out.
It made me Hurt, I couldnt do anything, I wanted to comfort her, tô be there for her.
And i couldnt. And this hurts. Much.
I talked with The vet, and got to know that At least she had a peaceful night, had yummy things to eat.
She loved her sunflower seeds.
She was one strange rat as she didnt want to socialize with other rats, became quite aggressive.
She was quite aggressive, when I met her.
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Jabuticaba was someone else rat At first, a friend of mine.
named after a fruit because she had big bulged eyes that looked like jabuticabas.
I remember my friend warning me to either shove the fingers through her cage bcs if we hovered she would bite. And boy did she bite
I remember one time that I went and poked her in her big round butt, and how she turned slowly, smelled my finger, and in one small beat of steadiness... She bit the HELL out of me!
Gosh it bled so much.
But I dont know why, every time I went to see my friend I liked to see her and interact with her. She was cute, and she was alone in her cage even if it was because she would attack other rats.
Then I decided to live with my friends.
And so she came as well.
I loved to see her wobbly walking, shaking her big butt as she walked, it was so cute.
And I kept seeing her, I kept interacting with her, My friend L let me get her to walk around my room. And it was so great.
She feared me so much at the start, first time I tried to hold her she panicked and jumped out of my bed and hands to the floor. She scratched me on the way down, trying to make it less hurt to fall I suppose.
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She hid so much and didnt walk that much, but then she grew used to me.
"It's only us here in this room, you dont have to worry anyone attacking you" I used to say.
And I remember that one time where I held her gently and said that, soothing her with a baby voice, she seemed to calm down.
She started to explore more, she started to walk more calmly on the room.
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I remember my friend C (shes also a veterinarian.) saying to me that she was blind. Because she didn't react visually that well.
And I tried to always approach noisily at her. She recognized me because of my high-pitched sounds when calling out to her, it was so cute to see her suddenly turn in my direction.
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I remember get a paper wrapping to play with her, making crinkly noises while going around the bed, and having her chase it and bite it. I tried that later because I did with my hand and well, guess who got a wound out of that?
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She ate so much sunflower seeds. We had to stop because C said that she had sedimentation problems.
I didnt know what that meant but she is a veterinarian and she said that even after we went through the vet.
I didnt had much responsability as owner at that time, because I wasnt.
My friends said how I was Jabus therapist. Because after some time she stopped being so aggressive.
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She had to take anxiety meds because she was an anxious mess and she was scratching herself.
...a lot like me and my dermatillomania now that I wonder.
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And after she started taking her meds, I kept interacting with her and she got better indeed.
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I like to say that I was her Naruto and she was my Sasuke. With a better ending, I guess.
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But I basically bothered her so much she learned that humans are not gonna hurt her, she learned friendship with that haha.
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After I started working I couldnt be much in the house first, so she could only be monitored by L. I still interacted with her but she hardly left her cage which made me sad but at the time, problems started to arise at home and I couldn't let her out.
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We had problems at home, many things happened this last month and we had to split apart. It was an incredibly stressful situation and there's still finishing things to do.
Since Jabu had such a good relationship with me, we all decided that she would stay with me.
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I moved back to my parents house last week, and I noticed how she was less energetic, and in fact, seem to be almost always breathing too hard.
She stopped drinking from her drinking thing, and I put a small bowl with water, and gave water to her with my finger so she could lick it.
As C said, she seemed to just hold on to rest when everything settled after the house fight.
I noticed she seem to eat less these days, and I was giving food to her by hand, which she took and always ate. But yesterday after coming from work I had the thought that maybe her day was coming, she was two years old and it was told to me that's the average lifespan of rats.
I then tried to let her get out a bit of her cage, and she walked a bit on my bed, it was cute. But she went straight back to her cage and she started to open her mouth as if she was trying to breathe.
I talked with C and she said it was best to take to the vet, and I went straight to it
I talked to her the whole way, I put her cage into the seat next to me with her cage, and she stayed in her hammock, turned to my side. The way her big bulged eyes stared at me the whole trip made my heart clench, and I talked to her the whole way, giving some pats to soothe her.
The vet talked to me, I explained the situation and changed the name of who was her owner BCS it was in C's name at the time.
I helped her to check on Jabu, holding her so she would feel at least comfortable knowing it was me that was with her.
she was such good girl.
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After some assessment, the doctor said that she probably had heart disease and maybe liquid in her lungs. I didn't know how that was possible but it was needed to make an X-ray. She said it was possibly best if she stayed the night so if she needed they would give her oxygen and be in observation, because she feared she would have an heart attack if trying the x-ray that day.
a pretty bad situation the doctor told me. She might die.
I saw her one last time and petted her to bid her goodnight.
I went home and I prayed in my room. To who doesn't matter, Im not Christian, I just wanted to pray loud for something on the universe.
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I have my head full of thoughts and they are all so unprompted, like lines of thoughts to have as options to how proceed with it.
I had the line of thought of prayer, to wish her to be okay.
the line that thought that she would indeed die, and I would get space in my room for other stuff.
The one that I had money if she didn't stay.
The one that I would pay everything I could to make her be okay.
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I started my grieving process this night. I prayed, but I knew that if she did live today she might die the next day in the x-ray, if she didnt then maybe Monday they would remove the liquid if it indeed had it. And if she survived that, it would still be pretty close, because she was two years old.
I discovered she was actually three years old, and I was surprised and more worried.
I received news when I woke up, that she was better by night, ate and peed and pooped alright.
I had hope once more before I went to work.
And it came crashing down after I left work hurriedly.
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I held her corpse and petted it and I had hollow in my mind, because it felt like a fluffy object.
I cried, I cried for an hour before my friend came to help me. I was saying for C and L what happened and they asked for updates.
I called them to say what happened.
C offered to come to be with me and I accepted. I knew she would know what to do, because I most definitely would NOT send her to be cremated.
I cried while waiting for her, I cried and cried and felt the bitter regret and hurt, because I couldn't give her a sunflower seed, I couldn't be there when she died.
I take comfort in trusting the doctor because C worked there and she knows they are all competent and caring, and I felt that as well. So I take comfort that while she was with strangers, she was treated very well, and the doctor even told me that she gave such yummy food for her, so I take comfort that she had something tasty to eat before she went.
Didnt hurt less. Still felt I didnt do enough for her.
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C's parents were here because of some stuff and so they accompanied us when we went to bury her. They were gentle to me even if I have to hide my transness from them bcs they have a history of lgbtphobia.
But they were gentle to me, her father helped us dig the earth.
her mother told me stories of when a beloved dog of her died, how she said for her dog to go in peace because she saw him suffering, and he closed his eyes and went nearly same instant.
C helped me put her in the hammock she used before she died. we put rocks over so no animal would eat her if they dug that deep.
I put her in the hole, helped put the rocks and earth back in, we grabbed a broken brick that was there to mark where she was. I started to break twigs and put it around to mark it more.
C offered for me to eat ice cream with her and I accepted it. I just. asked for some time first.
I stayed behind, and I left the hollow feeling take me, and I did what I do when I'm overwhelmed with nothingness, and just. stayed singing.
I grabbed random thistle weeds and kept singing, put them together with tree grass, struggling to tie, but kept singing so my mind would be occupied.
I found where we dug. 6 feet from the border of a cemented part.
I arranged again the twigs, and I put the small bouquet over the brick, stared at it for a while, still singing for my feelings as they craved to get out and I couldn't handle crying more at that moment.
I left, and shared ice cream, laughs and pet C's animals.
... And here I am now. in my home, retelling Jabu stories while it's still fresh in my mind, so I can come back and read it sometime.
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...
Goodbye, Jabuticaba. You were one lovely pet ret, and I hope you're having better times. Be it if there's nothing or if there are actual fields after death, I hope it's Peaceful.
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Jabuticaba died 11/06/2023, died with 3 years, 2 months and 3 days.
One hell of a strong ratgirl.
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wiltedprimrose · 9 months ago
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list of things ive done these past few months (and made me happy)
bought myself some fresh flowers and im so happy i might start buying flowers every once in a week or month!
saw rainbow (i bet not everyone would notice) on my way back home^^
start saving again (from scratch lol) and im so grateful i have enough for now
spending more time with my parents (incl eating, watching movies, driving around the town, telling stories, throwing jokes, and many more)
oh i bought myself a new ring. cute one with a simple floral design><
painted my nails in dusty mauve colour!!!! i think im gonna get the cherry red nail polish real quick
finished my monthly tasks!
went to several wedding ceremonies and lunch party invitations with a friend and we always wear matching outfits lol (and still counting)
accompany a friend to a barber shop lmao even tho i focused so much on my phone but it was quite fun
ate lots of papayas! (it might sounds basic BUT NO i grew them from seeds and now they producing so much fruits! im deeply touched by that fact!!! theyre like my children!)
harvested chillies… i know i often harvested them BUT THIS ONE WAS DIFFERENT. IT WAS BIG AND SPICYYYYY TO THE POINT I SHED A TEAR WHILE EATING THEM (i also grew them from seeds)
finally had a new refrigerator ive been longing for hahaha. it was a dream come true moment bc whenever i went to a mart i’d always look for this cupboard-like refrigerator and said i’ll buy it later
got byredo blanche tester and im obsessed with the smell!
ate salmon sashimi with a little wasabi (turned out wasabi wasnt that bad i never tried it bc im afraid it’d had a weird taste)
bought myself some new clothes… pants, vest, tops, sweatshirt, and a white skirt!
ate so much cheesecakes and tried a carrot cake with raisins in it
bought a cute black totebag with a cute keycharm as well! (most important part is…. it fits my umbrella as i love to bring umbrella these days kkkk)
started using highlighter on my face and surprisingly it sits perfectly on my skin… MY SKIN IS LITERALLY GLOWING
drinking tons of hot peppermint tea and chamomile tea!!!
binge watching “teasing master takagi-san” (the live action series) and “the makanai: cooking for the maiko house” you guys should go watch em 10/10 recommended
giving gifts to my friends><
reminiscing old memories with old friends:) (and i realized that i forget a lot of things)
drinking juice or fresh milk and eating fruits everyday!
catching up with my friends, meeting their parents, and visiting their house^^
cut my hair short so my hair always looks half-up half-down whenever i tied them AND IM HAPPY BC I THINK IT LOOKS PRETTY
went to another city with friends and spent 3 days 2 nights with them<3
bought a new pair of shoes. FINALLY! bc it was my long time wishlist (maybe 7 years)
chatting and laughing and throwing compliments towards people i just met… at mosque or anywhere
ate mie ayam (with kerupuk!!) and nasi liwet ayam sambal pecak with friends and we shared so much joy & laughter
went to get some facial treatment with a friend every month. we waited for each other and we really enjoyed it
walked and chatted with a friend under an umbrella on a rainy day. it was so serene & had some kind of romantic vibes to the point that i thought we were going to shoot a music video HAHA
received five boxes of bricks characters from a friend! SO HAPPY
changed my shampoo so now my hair smells really nice even after 2 days or maybe more (bc i wash my hair every 2 days) lol the smell lasts for a long time im afraid people might think i use an expensive hair mist><
bought some books that had been on my wishlist for so longgg^^
bought a new washing machine (out of nowhere) for my parents lol
my friend gave me his workplace’s keyring!!! it was so random but okay hahaha (i wouldnt forget the effort he made to give me that keyring)
watched a movie with a friend and ate a big piece of honey sweet potato in a mall’s parking lot with the windows’ car opened while listening to my playlist! i have this much love for honey sweet potato but after i broke up with my ex i never had it anymore so i decided to create new memories with friends & enjoy that honey sweet potato!
bought matcha creamy latte and chocolate latte with a friend and then enjoyed it while sitting in the car watching the sun sets. IT WAS PRETTY RELAXING
met elementary kids at mosque! they complimented me several times from the time i got off the car, said that im pretty and cute. one of them even poke my cheek. they asked me about lot of things so i answered and just talked to them. i love seeing their bright smiles, hearing their excited tone while talking to me. we also played rock paper scissors! when i said i gotta go home, they made me do pinky promise with them, they told me to promise them that i’d go back there someday to play together again
met kids (again) at different mosque. when i was doing my wudhu i heard someone called “kak” but i just shrugged it off thinking it wasnt for me bc i dont know them and that mosque located so far away from my house. when i finished, all wet, i heard them called “kakak… kakak” again so i looked at them to find out who they were trying to talk with and why that kakak didnt answer them. turned out that person was me!! t__t i remember (faintly) there were around 7-8 kids smiling at me while still calling me “kakak” and they all took turns to shake hands with me… i was so surprised but still welcomed them all, ofc with a confused smile. my dad even asked me who the kids are so i shrugged and told my dad “i dont even know them???? idk why they did that to me neither” and then we laughed together
—tbc
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zo1nkss · 1 year ago
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Damn OP. I was going to keep this in the tags at first, but idk if it would fit or not bc sometimes I can be a bit wordy.
Not to bring the energy down at all, I just didn't get quite as emotional over Izzy's death as ik many others in the fandom did but it was still an intense emotional moment. That said, it wasn't until reading this post that I understood why and more specifically, that I shed a few tears about it. Because something u said really stuck out at the end there.
"-and WHAT a powerful thing for queer love, especially, to be presented as the thing that heals us."
This show being named "Our Flag Means Death" has had a particular effect on me since day one. To me it's representative of the original Gilbert Baker Pride Flag. I'm reminded that Pride started as a riot to fight back against the rampant death rates of our community members, and how we have been taught by cishet society our whole lives that we are all but marked for death.
As a trans person, my life expectancy ends in 2.5 years. That is something I have thought about every day since I was 15; the emotional impact of death is something we as queer people are not given much space to escape or cope with healthily. And I think that is such a powerful thing to represent and to show, how much that hurts and mangles a person's coping skills. How devastating that is to live with, early death as an inevitability. I think piracy is such a great era of history to show that through, too, because it is so effectively done through that lens.
A lot of queer people who flocked to the show early on, too, also lived most of our lives with dead role models. My uncle was the only queer person I knew of until I was 11-12, he died before I was even born. Queer love as a healing force was only fed to us by other queer people, in the most niche and hard-to-find spaces out there. It wasn't in our cartoons or our teen dramas or our family shows. It wasn't in our horror as the driving force of goodness and morality. It especially wasn't a mainstream comedy with deeply romanticized story beats.
Seeing queer love be the inherent balm that soothes the pain of living, of being, of sirviving a world that hates you - maybe not even for being queer but for something else entirely - has been life changing. And I completely understand ppl feeling so disappointed that he's dead, but I truly feel Izzy's death being a stark reminder that queer love can and will heal all is something so powerful. And most importantly, it's something we all deserved to feel at some point in our lives.
okay, here’s my actual thoughtful post: I get why people are upset about the finale…I really do. but I want to mention that there’s a bigger picture to this story that’s missing if you’re zooming too close onto Izzy as a character, and I’m honestly so grateful that the show stuck to the thematic arc it introduced in season 1 because, as per usual, it’s about the themes 🤌 and this show never skimps on the symbolism!!
so here’s the thing: the primary themes are toxic masculinity (& it’s opposite, queer joy); trauma; love as a healing force for the above; and, title alert—DEATH. because it’s so much more than a cool title!
now, Izzy has always represented something metaphorical about all of these points; most directly, he’s always represented masculinity, and s2 has been an arc of toxicity deconstruction. but crucially, he’s also represented all that for Ed, who is the deuteragonist of this show. because—don’t forget—Stede and Ed are the show.
I’ve always doubted myself for feeling this after seeing how fandom saw Izzy as a third romantic figure (which like by all means have a blast in your fanfics I don’t care it’s about joy at the end of the day and pursue that as you want to), but after hearing something about djenks referring to Izzy as a father figure, it confirms a major point for me—Izzy is also in a lot of ways a parallel to Ed’s dad, and a representation of the trauma and guilt Ed felt from that formative killing. for so long, Izzy was an aggressive shadow in Ed’s life, and a tangible reminder of those daddy issues—someone telling him what to do, keeping him Blackbeard—and the beautiful thing is how that changed this season, how Izzy became a version of masculinity that could love and be beautiful and make good from the hurt, the literal poison into positivity. someone antithetical to his own paternalistic force, healing our daddy issues one drag show at a time. BUT, Izzy is still thematically representative within Ed’s arc—and by also representing the trauma that made Ed “Blackbeard,” it does make smart writing sense as to why Izzy died (NOT saying you can’t be sad about it—stick with me for a moment).
because here’s the thing—as aforementioned, this show is also about DEATH. killing is the root of everyone’s trauma, and reconciling a relationship with death is the ultimate arc Ed and Stede are both on, with the ultimate path of learning to live despite its inevitability. there’s a reason it was such a huge thing that Ed couldn’t personally kill, and then in this episode killed so many people with his bare hands in the name of love—and there’s a reason that was framed as a good thing. and there’s also Ed’s (and arguably Stede’s) active suicidality, which has been a huge force driving this season. these are characters who see death as this all-consuming thing, and they see their own deaths as the only solution. death is the traumatic force driving almost everything about their being for so long—and its reconciliation is everything for them, the greatest sign of growth. so Izzy’s death, and everyone beginning again with love—healing each other with love—is a cap to it all. it’s death as a positive force, for once. it’s death as love, not trauma. it’s death as something that will always happen, but this time not forced by your own hand. it’s a death to everything toxic, to what “Blackbeard” represented, and all the while a sort of rebirth. it’s kind of a death to…death? it’s functionally like the real physical moon replacing the giant romantic imaginary orb: it’s taking the thing that’s been artificially morphed in Stede and Ed’s heads and making it real this time, with all the bittersweet emotions that come with tangible reality.
and honestly, I’m glad that it was tragic and emotional. I didn’t think I’d be so devastated to see Izzy die, but it really did get to me, especially because of everything he said to Ricky and then to Ed. but think of it this way: Izzy and Ed might be romantically compelling because they were toxic and charged (and I hope people still enjoy everything they get from that dynamic in fan work), but imagine if the show had actually gone in that direction—where would it take us thematically? it would kill the thesis; it would be love as chaos and entertainment, but not healing. instead, this show gave us something so much more powerful: a legitimate, fully-fleshed trauma arc.
trauma hurts. Izzy’s death hurts. but that’s okay. that’s great, actually! it means the storytelling was effective—that Izzy’s arc made you feel something. and i know this won’t be every viewer’s experience, but honestly? I’m glad I can have this grieving process in such a beautifully framed light in the safe space ship of this show, because let’s be real—death, real life death, fucks you up. and let me tell you, I could’ve used this show during so many episodes of grief in my life. but here it is now, reminding us that our grief and trauma doesn’t define us—and WHAT a powerful thing for queer love, especially, to be presented as the thing that heals us all. ESPECIALLY when so much grief and death in this community is woven so deeply with the trauma of our identity.
so grieve as you need to, but don’t forget to turn the poison into positivity 💛 because that’s what the show is telling us—choose live, despite!
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evilcyclopsxmen · 5 years ago
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I'm literally a pussy magnet bro . I already own 4 cats then these two just show up I don't even know them
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manjiropie · 3 years ago
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Hello! I really like your blog… could we have maybe some Angry, Mitsuya, Inupi and Rindou and some fluffy cuddles?
stop, you'll make me blush
:: warnings: none, just love and peace today <3
:: pairings : Souya (Angry), Mitsuya, Inupi & Rindou - aged x reader
a/n: I don't know about this but I hope you like it. I've been busy with school and shit but I love to imagine how it'd be cuddling with them (Souya was longer bc I have a special place for him in my heart, sorry sorey)
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Souya.
It was a really pleasant weekend, the holidays came with a nice weather. You liked the holidays, which meant you had a break from school/work finally. However... It also meant that your two-years boyfriend, Souya, would spend the weekend working at the ramen shop he owned alongside his twin brother.
You pout helplessly as it hit five o'clock that Sunday. The previous day you'd spend with Hina, wandering around the streets and listening to her rambling about how excited she was for her wedding. You were proud of your boyfriend, of course. The shop was a success! But... You couldn't help but him there with you. Suddenly, you had an idea.
Souya would probably be worn out when he arrived home from work, so you, an exceptional girlfriend, decided to prepare him a little surprise. It wasn't going to be much because it were the last minutes, but you knew he'd like it.
You were in your most comfortable pajamas; the bed you shared with him had bowls of candy and popcorn– caramel flavored, it is his favorite. If you couldn't go out with him, you'd have your time chilling in bed then.
You awaited for him eating some candies here and there because you couldn't wait. Finally, when it already felt like ages but had only been twenty minutes, you hear the sound of keys coming from the other room. You jumped out of the bed and ran barefoot to meet him. Souya was putting down his keys when you came and embraced him from behind.
"Hi!" he greeted. It was so cute when you two started dating how you'd catch his lips turning upwards slightly whenever he saw you. It is still cute, who are you kidding? "Sorry I couldn't be with you this weekend." He apologized in a small voice.
"Oh no, no, no," you grabbed his hand and started yanking him to the bedroom. "I have something for you!" You spoke like a kid leading their parents to the living room on Christmas morning.
You turned on the bedroom lights and watched him as he squinted his eyes, adjusting to the bright light. Oh God, his messy curly blue hair reflected the amount of work he must have had... He looks so cute though, serious face with a frown, like a little kid with cotton candy hair.
"Let's watch a movie, I already chose your favorite one!" You pushed him to the bed where he sat leaned back. His face was of pure confusion, which made you giggle.
"Fruitvale Station." Souya said to himself. He loved the movie, it always made him shed some tears. You get up from the bed and turn off the lights, kissing him in the mouth briefly before sitting down and hand him the popcorn.
Despite the fact you literally shoved him into the bed and shoved the popcorn bowl onto his face, Souya appreciated it dearly! He liked to watch movies with you, unlike his twin brother, who'd ask something every five minutes, you watched the movie and he enjoyed it.
But when you look at him when the sad part of the movie comes up, you see that his eyes are drifting close and the bowl– now half empty –is almost slipping from his hands. You put the bowls aside, carefully taking the one from him. He blurts out something when you slowly pokes him on the shoulder to make him lay down.
"Uh... The movie's over?" he opens a lazy eye.
"Yes, love."
"Didn't even cry this time." he adjusts his he's don the pillow, the sound of your laugh makes him a bit more awake and all of sudden you feel two hands pulling you to his side. He lays on top of your stomach and snuggles his head down on the soft fabric of your clothes. You smile to yourself and plays with his hair.
"Sing for me?" You hear his sleepy voice.
"Sing?"
"Mhm."
You open your eyes and stare at the ceiling, that's new. You don't sing, you just hum a soft melody your grandfather used to sing for you. You hope that it'll content him and all your doubts are cleared when you listen to his soft breathing and incoherent mumbles as he hugs your waist like a plush toy.
Mitsuya.
Mitsuya is the king of cuddling, change my mind. You can't. It doesn't matter if he's had a tough day at work or it was a lazy day at home, he will look forward to cuddling you in any circumstances.
Mitsuya likes to hold you with your back on his chest. But he won't go to sleep immediately, no. You two will lay in that position (most of the times he's the big spoon, he likes holding you and you love how you feel sheltered in his arms) and will talk about your day. Mitsuya takes this moment very seriously. He wants to know about your day, what were the things you did, what did you eat, if you enjoyed it... All of it while rubbing your back/arms/waist or fiddling with your hair. He also leaves feather kisses on your shoulders.
Cuddling with him is always so good even if you're not going to sleep. Whenever he's not so busy sewing he will grant you your wishes and will lay down with you talking about all and nothing.
He likes it though, it's not like he's doing it just because you asked, he enjoys it. The proximity of you two and how he's showed you that there are other ways to love without being sexual. You love that about him.
Inui.
At first it was complicated to bring Inui to cuddle. It still is sometimes, but he is working on it.
From the very beginning you've noticed that whenever you'd be talking to him and looking him right in the eye he'd look away or turn his head away. He probably didn't his burn scar. It didn't matter how many times you'd tell him you thought it made him look tougher and cooler, he wouldn't believe you.
As you two lay down, the way you like to stay is face to face, very close. You will put a leg over his and throw an arm over his shoulders, caress his hair or trace his features.
Inui knew what he had gotten himself into, but when you two made your relationship official it became much clearer how clingy and touchy you are. He still doesn't like this much touch but he allows you because of how you'll smile until you're asleep. He likes the view so he makes an effort.
He's a pretty good listener, so you will mess with his hair and sneak some kisses here and there as you tell him whatever it's in your mind. He'll listen carefully while examining your sleepy face. You always fall sleep first and he watches you with puppy eyes.
Rindou.
Rindou is another hard case. Rindou HATES cuddling. He pretty much would rather have his own blanket and turn to the wall than sleep tangled with you. The reason to that it's because he sweats a lot. I'm not kidding. And it's not in a bad connotation, it's just that he sleeps with the blanket covering all of himself leaving out only his nose –sometimes not even the nose. He's just in a silly goofy mood every night and likes to pretend he's a butterfly in a cocoon 🤪
He will cuddle with you in the couch though, with you on top of him or in a large armchair. No talking though, he reads a lot so you can sneak into his lap and enjoy his warmth in deep silence while he reads and adjusts his glasses on his nose every seven minutes.
He likes to hold you close, and will rub whatever part of your skin that's showing. But remember, don't talk while he reads or he'll push you to the floor!
<~>
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imaslutforcuddles · 3 years ago
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Be good to me (I’m tired)
PART ONE / PART TWO / HAPPY ENDING
Summary: The emergence is all that is on Ikaris’ mind and y/n isn’t on his side. He leaves without a goodbye after a big fight you two shared, but comes back after Sersi and Sprite are attacked by deviants, only to come back to you about to attempt and a note in-hand. Comfort isn’t one of his strengths but he wants to talk you out of hurting yourself. He does something unexpected when you fight against him to save the human race, unknowing. Things happen way to quickly for your idiotic husband(I love Ikaris don’t get me wrong, but he’s dumb).
Song link: I’m tired - Labyrinth, Zendaya
Warning(s): Mention of attempt, Self harm, Spoilers, Heart-wrenching shit, Swearing, Angst, major character death.
A/N: Now hold on, this is going to be two parts bc I feel so unmotivated. I’m not going to spoil in my authors note because it’s visible, I don’t want people who haven’t seen eternals to get mad at me lmao. I have no idea what this is to be honest, I just wrote what I wanted to. If its crap I sincerely apologize. Its been awhile since I've added anything and that's because I started going into inpatient rehab in February, its an explanation not an excuse for attention, thank you. Spoilers under the cut. If this is at the top that means I haven’t written the second part yet.
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Hey lord, you know I'm tired                                                                                     Hey lord, you know I'm tired                                                                                 
You pace back and forth deciding whether you should put a tranquilizer in his neck or forgive him for wanting to help erase the only thing that has helped you want to stay alive for the past seven painful millennia. 
Ikaris puts his hand on your shoulder to try and calm your nerves, “I’m sorry for hurting you love, and I understand you care, but the emergence is important.” You turn around just to slap him in the face leaving a red mark, “No, Ikaris. You don’t understand! You don’t care about anything but your duties because you’re an emotionless robot!” His eyes widened, as a tear rolled down your cheek. He wanted to wipe it but knew better than to touch you again. “Well then if that’s how you see me then we shouldn’t see each other anymore,” Ikaris concluded leaving your mouth agape, you soon closed it and nodded. “Fine if you want to be a coward then so be it Ikaris.” He then starts walking toward an open window and flies off into the dark and weary sky. You collapse to the ground weeps following your shaky movement. 
Hey lord, you know I'm tired of tears                                                                      Hey lord, just cut me loose
“When Ikaris left he took a part of my heart with him.” You said to Sersi via phone shedding another painful tear. You just wished that Ikaris never had meant much to you.
Hey Lord, You know I'm fighting                                                                        Hey Lord, You know I'm fighting      
You threw the vase he had gifted to you for your first Christmas married to him, kneeling down you picked up the remaining pieces near you and hugged them close to you. It had finally hit you, Ikaris left you. He’s not coming back because he chose the emergence over you, his wife.                                                      
I'm sure this world is done with me                                                                    Hey Lord, You know it's true
After a day of suffering in silence, you decide that you can’t live much longer without feeling the guilt of the mass murder of humanity that will take place soon, because of your husband. So you did the unthinkable, you took a kitchen knife and moved it swiftly across your wrists. Self-harm wasn’t something you put much thought into, you knew humans committed it often to get rid of their pain but it wasn’t something you thought you would ever need to use, and here you are, cutting yourself like you were your worst enemy.
Now the tide is rolling in I don't wanna win
You had thought in the beginning Ikaris would change his dutiful ways, and forget the stupid emergence to be with you. Sersi and the others could figure out a way to stop it, all of you together have a ton of power. Earth could be saved, but as time passed and Ikaris never showed your mind slowly gave up, Ikaris meant the world to you. If he didn’t love you as much as he loved his duty then there was no point in fighting to stay alive for the thing you loved. After all, you had gone through with him, you weren’t enough for him although he would always be enough for you.
Let it take me, let it take me I'll be on my way
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havethetouch · 10 months ago
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I have an interesting relationship with spiders bc they kinda spook me and kinda do not I am very fascinated with them too but it's also kinda depending on what kind of spider and where the spider is in relation to me.
Storytime I guess...
I used to be way more terrified of them as a kid, mostly bc my one cousin was horrified by them and we had this shed in my great grandmothers garden and my other cousin said a huge spider lives in there and my (terrified) cousin wanted me (not yet afraid of spiders) to check it out if she was there bc if she is there she is not in the house and then it's okay but she needed to know and yes there was a big spider and my cousin startled so hard she pushed me into the shed and the door closed; it was dark and I was very aware that I had seen a ginormous spider just a few seconds ago and my cousin ran away screaming so I screamed too and tried to escape the shed and the spider and it was a whole thing and this is where it kinda started that I had a great deal more fear for them than before.
But the fascination was also still there like.. one time a huge wasp spider dropped out of the lettuce my mother was preparing (also in the garden of my great grandmother) and my dad trapped it under a glass and she was so pretty but scary and big to me and she also did this thing were she pinned herself upside down on the upturned bottom of the glass and just hung there and the moment my dad picked up the glass she dropped and tried to book it and she tried to fool us again after so that was kinda neat.
We also had a huge cross spider (again, great grandmas garden) in the thujas along the pathway to the back of the house and she was a work of art if ya ask me, also huge and old? Idk how old those even get to be but there was just this huge ass impressive net in the middle of the thuja row and always the same huge cross spider in the middle for years while we grew up, accepting humble offerings of grasshoppers that sometimes tried to evade our feet and jumped right in there on accident so we had an understanding with the cross spider is what I'm saying.
So like.. my fear was mostly reserved for the spiders that change location those huge black and quickly skittering things yannow? Stationary spiders or spiders behind glass or on pictures were less of a fright to me. I got over most of my fears when I met my best friend like.. half a lifetime ago. Because she is the kind of afraid of spiders person that will cry and almost throw up if subjected to a picture of a spider let alone if she even thinks a spider is near. Like this was full blown phobia, if you unfocused your eyes and stared at a wall too hard when in thought she would jump up in fright if she noticed because she assumed you are staring at maybe a spider on the wall kind of phobia. The if she sees a spider and looses the spider you gotta tear apart the room to find the spider or else she cannot go in the room for hours kind of phobia. She and I became roomates when we both moved out at 19 so someone had to take care of spiders and it had to be me, obviously. I trapped and removed so many spiders in those 13 years of living together I kinda chilled out about them again.
But I am also that kind of person who drops fears when in the vicinity of someone more afraid than me when I care about them deeply so that how it even worked out.
And lo and behold, I am proud to say I helped my friend with her fears as well. Nowadays she is willing to look at spiders trapped under glass (from a distance of course and provided they are not too big) but hey, progress, I am soo proud of her. I once trapped a spider that was like.. very bright and kinda white? But she had dots on her underside that really looked like a ":)" and I was thrilled and like "look! LOOK she has a smiley face on her belly" and she wanted to see and she was super twitchy and ready to jump back at a moments notice but like she trusted me to have the spider secure so she did look closer for that one spider and like I said, super proud of her.
But I will never forget that one time I had an epic bathroom battle with a idk.. it skittered around like a cellar spider but it was milky white and fast and jumped around a lot it was an agile thing and it was like 3am in the morning and my bf wanted to use the toilet but nah there was this spider and she was not happy about the light suddenly being turned on and my bf helpfully closed the door behind me after screaming for me so imagine me like.. once again trapped in a room with a big spider and this one was mean about it and I just woke up so it was an uneven match. And like.. no joke, fast fucker she was. It took me half and hour to trap her and then shuffle out of the flat to let her free and pray she would not turn around and attempt to jump into my face (again, bc she tried a couple of times in the bathroom I almost brained myself on the sink) so yeah.. triumph and I almost just cut part of my finger off the next day at work but eh. She was a beast I tell ya. Never forgotten her.
Anyway long story short I am not that afraid anymore and kinda like spiders but I still have some reservations about them scuttling around in my house especially if I loose sight of them bc my body says "gotta find and trap it" because that is so deeply ingrained in me by now bc of my bf. The spiders in webs get a pass from me bc those at least have the decency to not creep up on me.
Though I also must say I had one glorious encounter in my new home with a cross spider who, for some reason, decided the doorway of my mudroom was perfect to build her net in. Which would not have been soo much of a problem if I had know she was there when I tried to walk through in the dark and walked into her. She was not small and probably not very happy about being on my face suddenly. Neither was I. I basically flung the poor thing into my thujas. I saw her skitter away so she was thankfully fine but man I was not bc yeah.. so I am 90% cool with spiders again, like I said but like on my face bro I have some reservations and that is one of them rahhh.
But I survived.
send help I trapped a spider with a glass on my carpet and went to the kitchen to get something to seal the glass in order to take her outside but guess what she got out.
So now I not only saw a huge and kinda fast spider but I also lost said huge and fast spider and I'm like fdfdsfsdjfjfdhdfhQ_Q
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drwcn · 4 years ago
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I loved your fem lwj take on things. How would thibgs go if WWX was the lady? Other than ppl assuming she stood up for the Wens bcs she jad feelings for WN ( and that Yuan was hers)
Heyyy friend, I think I’ve seen a couple of girl!wwx fics floating around in ao3 so i certainly won’t be the first :P.
Also I completely misread your ask initially, I thought you were asking me what I think would happen if A-Yuan was WWX’s kid, and I was like oh?? But then I realize wait... I can make it worse.  
Today, I decided that my mortal soul doesn’t matter, so here we go. Let’s see how accursed I can make this idea: 
[1]
It started with Jiang Cheng. Jiang Wanyin had set out for the Burial Mount with the explicit goal of throttling speaking with Wei Wuxian, but what greeted him at the entrance of the “Demon Subduing Palace” — more of a cave than anything really — was not his martial sister, but Wen Ning. Well, what had once been Wen Ning.
Black veins ran across his pale, ashen face, down his equally ashen neck , and into the major veins beneath his clavicles covered by the collars of his black threadbare robes. Lifeless eyes, white as his skin, stared into a void the living could not see. There were talismans littering his body, and Jiang Cheng knew that when he spoke to this fierce corpse, he was not speaking to the young Wen boy, but to his mistress who controlled him with her demonic cultivation. 
Wei Wuxian refused to face him. Refused him explanation. Refused him closure.
“Er-jie!” Jiang Cheng screamed into the stony expressionless face of Wen Qionglin. “If you continue to protect them, then I can’t protect you!!” 
There was no response. 
Suddenly, just as Jiang Cheng was about to kick and fight his way into the cave, Wen Ning thrusted out his right fist, and in his grasp was a piece of purple silk. Jiang Cheng unfolded the silk, vaguely recognizing that it had been cut from someone’s robe, and saw what was wrapped within was a slip of parchment.
割袍断义*, the paper read. Tell the world that I, Wei Wuxian, first disciple of Yunmeng Jiang has forever defected (Note: 割袍断义- to rip one's robe as a sign of repudiating a sworn brotherhood (idiom)).
With this, there was nothing left to say. Hurt and furious, Jiang Wanyin threw the piece of parchment onto the dirt ground, grinded his heel down on it, and left the Burial Mount without ever having drawn Sandu. 
Inside the cave, Wen Qing held Wei Wuxian’s hand. “Why won’t you just tell him? He’s your brother; he can help you, you can —” 
Wei Wuxian’s mile long stare seemed to be gazing at something — someone — very far away. Slowly, she placed her other palm over her belly, which horrifically was already starting to round out. “Nobody can help me now, Qing-jie.”
“I can,” said Wen Qing, blunt as ever. “I can make it go away, if you want.”
“No.” A droplet of tear escaped pass long lashes. “No.” 
[2] 
It continued with Jiang Cheng.
On a snowy night, the first winter after Wei Wuxian escaped with the Wen remnants to the Burial Mount, Jiang Cheng was rudely awakened from his slumber by a less-than-stealthy intruder breaking and entering into his bed chamber.
Zidian whipped through the air, lighting the room with her eerie violet glow, before the intruder could think to take one more step. It was a man, judging from his silhouette colliding against the wall and the pained groan he made in response. The very next second, the tail of Zidian coiled tightly around his neck and dragged him across the floor towards beneath Jiang Cheng’s waiting foot. 
The Sect Master of Yunmeng Jiang summoned Sandu, ready to deliver the final strike, but just as his blade sailed towards the intruder’s chest, a pale arm jutted upwards, blocking Sandu’s descent and revealing a pale hand holding a … a... 
Even in the dark, Jiang Cheng immediately recognized the mahogany comb. 
“Jiang — ! Zongzhu —!” The man croaked out urgently, throat still stomped on by Jiang Cheng’s foot. It was - it was Wen Ning?!
Jiang Cheng looked him over. He was pale, yes, but his eyes appeared human. His hair was brushed and haphazardly done up in a farmer’s top knot. He was wearing farmer’s clothing too, probably more inconspicuous for travel than his Ghost General getup.  
“Jiang-zongzhu! P—please!!”
No, impossible. 
“Wei — Wei-guniang—”
Jiang Cheng lifted his foot and dragged Wen Ning up in a split second. “What’s wrong with Wei Wuxian?!”  Wen Ning coughed and shook his head desperately. “No time to explain. My sister asked me to fetch you. Please, you have to come! Wei-guniang’s life is in danger! If you won’t come, I’ll...I’ll have to go to Gusu, and I don’t know if - if -” 
Jiang Cheng followed Wen Ning. 
For speed, they travelled by sword, but even so, dawn was breaking by the time they arrived. The crowd of Burial Mount’s villagers huddling anxiously outside of the Demon Subduing Palace parted for them upon their arrival. Jiang Cheng took a moment to gather himself and square his shoulders. Whatever it was; he was ready.  
He was wrong. None of the dozens of scenario he had agonized over on the flight here could have prepared him for what awaited him inside. 
Wen Qing, pale and drenched in sweat, was near complete spiritual collapse, and without Wen Qing’s spiritual energy sustaining her, the single tenuous thread by which Wei Wuxian’s life hung on would have undoubtedly snapped under the toil and devastation her body had been put through. 
There was so much blood, so, so much blood everywhere, and amidst the blood, there was a baby. 
Fuck. 
Jiang Cheng transfused his sister half of his total spiritual reserve over the course of a day, while an exhausted but unrelenting Wen Qing worked diligently under blood-soaked sheets. 
Then at dusk, when the storm finally passed, Jiang Cheng sat at the mouth of the cave with a tiny, perfect little human — a girl, a niece! —  in his arms and cursed Lan Wangji’s name. 
Wen Qing was extremely clear with them: 孩子要是留在这里,养不活。
If the newborn was left to be raised at the Burial Mount, she would not live. And so, because parting was inevitable from the start, Wei Wuxian adamantly refused to hold or nurse the child. Her child. 
I can’t. If I do, I won’t be able to let her go. Those dark eyes burned with more than just the delirium of her childbed fever. For once, Jiang Cheng could not find it in himself to argue.
Thus, he took his niece home and named her Jiang Yan 江曕. The name was not his doing. His foolish, misguided, stubborn sister had stroked her daughter’s soft, baby cheek and whispered it to her as a farewell gift. 
Yan - to be bathed in daylight. In the end, when given a choice, Wei Wuxian still opted for her child to walk on broad sunny road. 
It made Jiang Cheng wonder why, then, she would choose the dark twisted path for herself instead. 
[3] 
It ended with Jiang Cheng. 
The truth was simple: Jiang Wanyin killed his shijie Wei Wuxian. He did. He meant to. 
He killed her. But that did not mean he wanted her dead. 
In one day, he had lost both of his sisters, leaving two orphans in their wake. Jiang Cheng could not ignore the cruel irony of their fate: one’s father murdered by his aunt, and other’s mother murdered by her uncle. 
This was the kind of tragedy fairytales were made of, and if there were anything left in him to shed tears over it, he would.  Standing amongst Nevernight’s carnage, he could not dredge up even a single drop of tear.  
Jiang Cheng didn’t know how he could return home to Lotus Pier to face that cherub face, always so happy, so sweet, so utterly untainted by the world. She had her mother’s smile. Yan'er was starting to learn how to speak. Her first words were da-da. 
Da-da. Die-die. Father. 
He was standing beside her father now. 
Lan Wangji. Devastated. Destroyed. …Deceived.
Jiang Cheng hated him so much, so fucking much that for one insane second, he thought about telling Lan Wangji the truth just to see what would happen. Maybe he would run Jiang Cheng through with his Bichen - that would be a relief now, wouldn’t it? - or maybe he would jump after Wei Wuxian. 
Truly, if he knew, he would. Jump, that is. Jiang Cheng was almost entirely sure. Oh the utter melodrama that would inspire indeed!  
But then... 
Wei Ying birthed you a daughter, a lovely, perfect, blessed little girl, and she carried that secret to her grave. I may be damned by my actions, but you, who have done nothing for her and taken everything, why should you deserve something as sacred as the truth?
Jiang Cheng turned away. 
He was acutely aware that one day Jiang Yan may very well be the literal death of him. After all — 杀母之仇不共戴天 — one cannot tolerate living under the same sky as the murderer of one’s mother. 
Be that as it may, he would raise Jiang Yan well, just as he promised. Unlike his sister, he would not break his word. Jiang Yan was of Lotus Pier, of Yunmeng, like her mother and grandfather before her. That for him, was enough. 
Jiang Cheng clutched Sandu and gripped Zidian. Whatever his fate, he already made peace with it, and the rest was inconsequential. 
One day, he may die, but today he lives, and so as long as he lives, Jiang Yan and all of Yunmeng Jiang will be protected . So as long as he lives, they will flourish. 
[...and in between]
On the streets of Yiling, Lan Wangji tilted his head inquisitively at Wei Wuxian and the little boy at her side and asked, “This child, he...” 
In response, Wei Wuxian patted her chest in a self-declarative kind of way and announced, “Oh this child, I birthed him!” 
He stared at her in shell-shocked silence, his mind racing with panicked thoughts of but that’s impossible — that was just once — even if — the boy is too old to be —
“怎么,蓝湛,不要我们娘儿俩了?” What, Lan Zhan, you don’t want the child and I?
“Wei— Wei Ying—” 
Then of course, she had laughed, and Lan Wangji thought no more of it. 
Just a joke. A silly joke. 
In time, he would come to realize his mistake. 
~~~
[A/N]: I’m not even a little bit sorry. 
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