#the only reason i haven't done it much before now is cuz i read a good chunk of my favorite fics before getting this sideblog LMAO

[spinjitsuburst]

IT REALLY DOES

it's like a trainwreck i can't look away from it it's honestly darker than things i usually read so i am having to tiptoe around some of the more detailed dark subjects but holy shit i need to know that jay's on a comfy couch in the monastery with a fuzzy blanket and some hot chocolate and his friends around him as far as his comfort level will allow and he's SAFE

also just like. an FYI since i've been screaming about it all night i'm using this post as a PSA please please PLEASE be careful if you decide to give to give it a read based on my reactions, it gets VERY very dark and discusses a lot of sexual assault and rape and it's not something i'd want to be like HEY EVERYONE GO READ IT you should only be reading it if you're an adult and can handle that level of dark content. there's no harm just being like hmm not my thing! and not reading it

I’ve been reading a very very very dark Skybound Fic all night and I feel slightly ill but I’m so so obsessed with literally every “how Jay’s lightning works” headcanon

[moon7jay]

Can u make a jake or( whatever member u want)make up sex ? If not it's okay! 💗🐣

Ofc I can bb 🫶actually was already working on a hurt comfort fic before you requested it

love on you (s.jy)

Idol!jake x artist!reader

Warnings : angst ,hurt-comfort, smut, fluff, reader is insecure

Wc : 4.5k

"Man you didn't tell us y/n won an award wtf" jay's words sounded like static to jake's ears

"What? " He questioned through his hoarse voice, his head throbbing because of the constant state of moving his body had been in for the past few days. He doesn't remember when he last slept for more than 4 hours

"She just posted it on her story, check it out if you even care bro" jay scoffed and left the room, his voice condescending and accusing.

jake's brows furrowed while he automatically reached for his phone

"What do you mean if I even care? " he muttered to himself, feeling anger rise up in his chest at jay's tone.

His thumb swiped at your profile and clicked on your story, all anger leaving his body when he saw your figure holding the golden trophy while standing in front of the mirror, your face hidden from the flashlight of your phone.

His heart sank to his stomach and dread filled up his chest when he realised the gravity of the situation

"fuck" He muttered and rubbed his temples, heart running a mile per minute. What had he done.

He quickly clicked on his notifs and saw a couple of messages from you dated yesterday

"Shit baby I'm so sorry" he muttered, the throbbing in his chest reaching fever pitch, an ugly feeling rearing it's head in his chest when he finally read your messages

[Mine🤍]

[5:40 pm] I'm wearing the blue dress that you love so much tonight :), tell me how I look

[5:40 pm] (photo attachment)

jake clicked on the picture and he wanted to cry. You looked like a fucking goddess. God you were beautiful, you were so beautiful he was questioning how you were real.... how you were his

[6:30 pm] I'm feeling nervous, can't wait for you to be here, I just need to hold your hand for a bit, only for a bit I promise :(

[7:21 pm] you aren't coming are you

[3:30 am] (audio message)

jake's heart felt like it was tearing apart in two, he had fucked up so bad and he didn't think there was anything he could do to make this right.

There were missed calls from you after that last message and finally an audio message that sat staring at jake ominously

He rubbed his palm over his face and finally pressed play with trembling fingers

"Hi babyy i miss you- you slurred, your voice was shaky and he could tell that you were drunk when you recorded this message ,intoxication dripped from your tone

"Where even are you? Busy? Did you at least eat today baby?" he didn't deserve it, he didn't deserve your concern or love, he didn't fucking deserve you

"I hope you did- there was a pause - I haven't eaten- your voice sounded solemn all of a sudden, as if you were deep in your thoughts now, ur voice was hoarse like you had been crying

"Don't feel like eating ...... I waited for you- a sharp inhale, shit, you were crying. jake felt his own eyes dampen at hearing your first sniffle, he hated when you cried. He hated that he was the reason why.

"I feel stupid now" You whispered and then laughed condescendingly

"I mean, it's not like it was an important award anyway... just a stupid art exhibition. It's not like my art is that good anyway, I'm honestly questioning if they gave me that award cuz they needed a female in the merit list"

Wrong. You were amazing. And if anyone deserved that award it was you.

But jake didn't remember the last time he had told you that.

another sniffle

"You have more important stuff to do and i get that. And i told myself I won't cry today but here I am- you giggled through your sobs- I look so stupid right now, I bet I sound even more stupid everytime I annoy you with my stupid fucking feelings"

No you don't, he loves you, you are his everything, he wanted to say

"But I'm trying to change i promise.... I haven't been keeping track of our anniversaries anymore since the last time you told me it was childish and you had better things to do with your time"

jake closed his eyes and let a single tear fall down his cheek, god he regretted it everyday, he regretted opening his stupid mouth and talking to you that way every damn day. He had wished you would forget about it after he apologized to you but of course you haven't. That kind of hurt cannot be forgotten so easily

"It hurts but i manage... it's hard to manage tonight, I don't know why.... maybe because I can't stop expecting things to change, hoping that one day I would wake up and I'll be your priority again " You were full on hiccuping through sobs now

"God I'm so stupid and I wore this stupid fucking dress cuz I felt beautiful... not anymore tho, I don't feel beautiful when you aren't there to tell me I am..... you just matter so much to me and it kills me that I won't ever matter even half as much to you"

jake cursed and threw his phone aside while you still talked, holding his head in both hands, jake let himself cry

He let himself cry for all the times he'd hurt your self esteem so much it made you want to change, he cried for all the times he watched your smile fall cuz he couldn't be there for the stuff you wanted to do

He let himself cry for making you feel like you were less of a person just because you got excited over small things and little gestures mattered to you

He cried because he had been hurting the one person who made his life worth living, so much to the point that you had started to make yourself smaller. He had made you shrink.

"You are my first and last everything jake.. and i know you are an important person and have to hide it from the world that you have a girlfriend but i just feel like... Maybe in an effort to make everyone else believe that i don't exist, you started to believe it too.... and i don't even blame you. I've always been forgettable"

His phone dinged to signal the message had ended so he pressed play again. And again. And again. He doesn't remember how long he sat there listening to your sobs and heart wrenching pain. The pain that he had caused.

jake hadn't felt this kind of fear ever before. Not even when he had moved to a foreign country alone. He was losing his mind, dark circles under his eyes as he sat outside your apartment door. You weren't here, he knew that, he'd been coming to see you everyday but no sign of you. A locked door. That's all he was greeted with for the past 1 week.

Your phone was switched off, no calls or messages, no way of knowing how you were doing and where you were. Had you really left him for good this time? Would he never be able to hold you in his arms again? Hear your giggles and taste your sweet kisses? Was this your goodbye?

That was the thought that had him breaking down completely in his car in the middle of nowhere as he drove around looking for you aimlessly.

just once, he needed to see u once.

He wiped his tears and dialed jay's number

"I need you to do me a favor"

You missed him. You missed him so much it hurt. Were you being too harsh on him? You weren't doing it on purpose, you just didn't feel like you were capable of facing him right now, too embarrassed and feeling exposed after you sent that stupid voice note. A drunk mistake.

What if he broke up with you? What if he hated you now ?

You sobbed into your pillows in your childhood bedroom, crying yourself to sleep, imagining his arms around you, shushing you softly, telling you he loved you

God you don't even remember the last time he told you he loved you.

His knees buckled when his eyes fell on you. There you were, so fucking beautiful, so fucking tempting he had to physically stop himself from running to you and taking you in his arms. You weren't smiling and that's what made his heart clench. As long as he'd known you, you were always smiling, you were his personal little cheerleader.

"Y/n look who's here to meet you" your mother's voice made you jolt, almost dropping the antique case that you were cleaning.

And you almost dropped it again when your questioning eyes met his dark ones. Your heart started beating unbearably fast, your palms sweaty as you placed the case back on the counter with shaky hands

"you didn't tell me you had friends back in the city y/n! And such a handsome one at that- your mother cooed, wiggling her eyebrows at jake whose ears turned red - anyways, you kids talk while I bring you guys snacks" your mother said and disappeared around the corner, leaving you and the reason of your escape from the city alone. You stood there fidgeting with your fingers, the silence sitting heavy on you while you made it a point to look nowhere else except your feet.

After a few foreboding seconds which felt like hours you saw his shoes come into your line of vision, moving closer to your feet

Your hands gripped onto your skirt harshly when you felt his big hands cup both of your cheeks and move your face up to look into his eyes. His face inches from yours.

"Baby.. " he whispered and that's all you had to hear before breaking down, your vision becoming blurry and harsh sobs escaping your lungs

"God I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry sweetheart I'm so fucking sorry" His voice cooed, thumbs swiping at your cheeks to wipe your tears, kissing your cheeks and eyes to calm your heavy breathing

Your hands moved up to fist the shirt on his chest and you closed your eyes to finally let it all out, crying and sobbing your pain out, so hurt and so upset from what things had come to.

He pulled your heaving body into his arms and circled his arms so tight around you, as if afraid of losing you. You sobbed your heart out in the crook of his neck while he apologized to you, whispering countless confessions into your ears

"I love you, I love you so much baby, I'm sorry I haven't shown it to you enough" he whispered and you hiccuped in his chest, letting the hurt and disappointment wash over you, hearing him say he loved you already healing a part of you

His guilt ridden voice had you eventually giving in and wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling back to stare into his eyes, small sniffles leaving your lips as u observed his tired face. Your hand cupped his cheek and he leaned into your touch, kissing your palm. You traced the heavy dark circles beneath his eyes, his irises were red rimmed and exhausted, hairs messy and uncombed

"How long since u slept?" You asked in your hoarse voice

He stared into your eyes, giddy from feeling you close again, feeling too good cuz you were back in his arms

"2 weeks" He whispered and your eyes teared up again. You knew he had been harsh on himself because of his work, he was often sick, unable to sleep or rest and then there was you and your feelings

Who cared about your stupid feelings when this man in front in front of you couldn't even get proper fucking sleep? If anything, you were the extra baggage that he had been carrying around

"I'm sorry" You whispered and his brows furrowed "baby why? "

"because I'm so inconsiderate, I'm sorry I'm so demanding and - his lips cut your rambling off mid sentence, chapped lips pressed against your plump ones and he kissed you like he had never kissed you before. Desperate hands grabbed your waist while your own tangled In his hairs, pulling him closer to you. You were both hungry. No the better word would be starved. You were starved to the point that even a little brush of skin against each other was sending your heads reeling. The kiss tasted of despair and guilt, it reeked of frustration but most of all jake kissed you like he was scared.

"Wanting to feel loved isn't a demand sweetheart, I'm sorry i haven't been there for you, I'm sorry i haven't been making you feel like you are my priority, because you are. You have no idea what you mean to me baby, you're my little heart" he whispered into your mouth and you started crying again like the crybaby that you were. You were his crybaby tho, his to console and comfort. His to love.

He kissed you again, soft pecks all over your face, whispering things that he had never told you before, he didnt like talking about his feelings this way but the moment demanded vulnerability and he could do anything for you.

You were sure your mother had heard everything by now and that's why you didn't hesitate to drag jake into your childhood bedroom. The both of you snuggled in your bed and talked about your feelings for hours. Tears were shed on both sides but it was comforting in a sense, to clear everything up and come clean about what you both needed

"Will you wear that dress for me again? When we get home?" he asked, his fingers tracing patterns into your waist and you pouted at him

"you've lost that privilege" You teased , slapping his chest lightly

He stared deeply into your eyes, his gaze so serious it made your own smile drop

"I'd do anything to gain that privilege again, to see you look so beautiful for me,so fucking pretty for me" he whispered and you blushed, your head reeling from his words

"I'll wear it" You mumbled shyly, god you were weak for this man

He leaned into you to bite your cheek

"Yeah? you'd let me take it off you too won't you? Unwrap you like a present, just for me? "

You blushed harder, ears burning up, your fists hitting against his chest

"Pervert" you whispered and he chuckled, his hands wrapping around your body to pull you closer, nose burying in the crook of your neck, leaving small sensual kisses

"Can't help it baby I'm so down bad for you" he groaned into your neck, making you flinch slightly as it tickled. His hold on your waist was tight, squeezing you desperately

"you're seriously not thinking dirty things while my mom's down the hallway right? " You asked giggling even though your cheeks were red and flushed. It had been a while since you and jake had done anything like this, since you felt wanted by him like this

jake's pants tightened uncomfortably upon hearing your giggles. God you were so sweet, there was a reason his manager had been forbidding him from seeing you

You were a distraction. You were addicting. And anyone with two eyes could see that jake was addicted to you.

He had physically recoiled when his manager had told him to chose between his idol career and you, seeing how he was willing to sneak out to meet you, risking everything and putting everyone at stake

But jake had promised he would control himself. He couldn't live without you, even the thought of you not being there made his chest constrict. So he decided to stay away from you for a while. Even though it hurt , it surely hurt less than to stay away from you forever

"I was drunk and couldn't stop thinking about you" jake whispered, coming up to move your body, laying you on your back so that he could hover over you

"so i drank more and kept drinking till I couldn't feel my fingers"

Your wide doe eyes stared up at him curiously, wondering why he was telling you this all of a sudden

He brought his palm up to your face, stroking your cheek by the back of his hand, caressing you like he loved you

"I didn't forget about your award sweetheart, I was too drunk to remember anything at all, woke up hungover the next evening and i realized what I had done. In an effort to forget about you, I forgot everything else as well. I know it's not an excuse but i just need to tell you" He said, his expression guilty and distraught

You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him closer to yourself

"Why were you trying to forget about me? Why not just come see me? or call me? "

Your innocent questioning eyes made jake close his eyes in impending sorrow. He leaned down and kissed u deeply, tasting your hot mouth to stabilize himself before pulling back and telling you everything.

You layed wide wake, stroking your fingers through jake's hair as he slept soundly snuggled into your chest. His soft snores and breath hitting your clavicle.

Honestly you weren't surprised that his manager had done such a thing. You weren't a fool, you noticed the hostile stares he would shoot your way everytime you went over to the boys' dorms or practice sessions. His eyes were always set on you in a glaring warning, as if to say, "you're not welcome here"

You hated that you understood where he was coming from. Being responsible for an entire group's reputation must be hard and your presence only made it harder.

You sighed and hugged jake's head closer to you, burying your nose in his hairs, breathing him in after so long. His hands were around your waist, grip so tight even in his sleep, it made you feel safe and so loved. This was all you wanted. Him in your arms, was that really too much to ask for?

You were still awake about two hours later, sleep just wouldn't come to you, head filled with so many thoughts. You tried slipping out from his grip to fetch water but his strong hands were pulling your body back into him

"Hmm don't go" He mumbled, his voice heavy and sleep ridden, eyes still closed but brows slightly furrowed. You smiled and kissed his nose, trying to slip again when his eyes opened wide, a gasp escaped your lips when he was flipping you over, resting his body over yours, nibbling on your ear

"I said don't fucking go" he growled and the sound had you rubbing your thighs together, hands coming up to rest against his shoulders

"I-i was just thirsty" you whispered and he hummed into your skin, nibbling on your ear again, sucking your lobe into his mouth making you whine softly

"I'm thirsty too" he whispered in your ear, his hands moving down to grab your thighs and parting them so he could settle his crotch against your middle, making you feel how hard he was in his jeans

"so fucking thirsty baby" He groaned and thrusted against you, a harsh gasp left your lips at his actions

"J-jake not here" you whispered but even you didn't believe your words, pussy starting to drip just from the way his voice sounded so husky and deep in your ear. His hands groped your lower body, taking a handful of your ass as he issued another thrust against you

Before you could tell him to stop again, he was pulling back, standing on his knees between your legs while he hastily undid his belt and jeans

"I'm sorry sweetheart I just can't wait any fucking longer, I need to put it in" he panted, you squirmed underneath him, watching how he was quick to pull his pants down his legs, his boxers coming off along with them, hanging around his thighs

He didn't bother taking his clothes all the way off, desperate hands reaching under your skirt to pull your panties down your legs

Your breathing was heavy, eyes pivoted to the hard dick that hung between his legs, arousal gushing down your slit when he rubbed a finger against your hole while fisting his own dick a few times "such a pretty fucking pussy"

"jake please" you moaned and he cursed, coming up to capture your lips into his own while he settled between your legs, rubbing his cock against your leaking cunt, rubbing it up and down, bumping against your engorged clit, making you moan into his mouth that was busy licking into yours

The feeling of being so close to each other after so long had you feeling hot and heavy

"Yeah baby? you want it?" he demanded, eyes dark and lust ridden as he gazed into your teary ones

"Y-yes please" you mumbled and jake clenched his jaw. Fuck. You were sweeter than candy and he couldn't control himself when it came to you

He rested his forehead against yours, looking down to stare at how his dick entered your warm sex, hips grinding to slide in smoother and deeper. Your mouth fell open in a silent moan upon the feeling of him inside of you after so long "baby f-fuck" he groaned into your mouth, feeling his resolve to go soft on you fading away at the way your tight walls were clenching around him

"you're sucking me in baby, so tight"

His words made your hips twitch. The indication enough for him to start moving in you. Your nails dug into his shoulders from above his shirt that he still wore as his hips started snapping against yours, his balls smacking filthily against your ass

His hot moans were making you wetter, drool escaping your mouth at the pleasure

"ts so good baby I fucking missed this" he pants, his hands groping your body mercilessly as he kept moving in and out of your leaking pussy

He licked the drool escaping your lips, sticking his tongue inside your hot mouth, licking into it with urgency while he moved your legs upwards, pressing your body in a mating press, increasing his pace

Harsh animalistic thrusts were sending your body in a ripple, making you move back and forth as he moved above you, sending the headboard of the bed slamming against the wall, the sex getting louder, messier

"Yeah, yeah, fuck yeah" he insinuated with every grind of his hips into you, meshing your lower bodies together to create a friction so insane it had you moaning his name in a chant, mind numbing pleasure clouding your senses

You both shared open mouth kisses, sucking on each other's tongue lewdly, uncaring of how messy it was, you loved messy

His hands moved up to hold onto the headboard above your head as he moved his hips deeper into yours, letting your legs fall around his hips, wrapping around his waist, your ankles digging into his ass to keep him buried deep inside of your warm cunt

"Wanted to make love to you but look what you fucking do to me" he groaned into your mouth, occasionally licking into it and digging his teeth into your lower lip, making you whine and moan in extreme pleasure. His dick made out with your cervix, bumping pleasurably into your g spot, penetrating your womb mercilessly

The sound of the headboard slamming was getting louder, bed creaked beneath your writhing bodies, the sweat on your naked bodies making it easier to slide against each other

Your moans were getting louder as his silent curses reached a fever pitch, a bunch of "Umhhnshit baby" and "so good" s falling from his lips, hips getting sloppier, pistoning in and out of you in a frenzy, uncaring of how your mother could probably hear you get pounded into the sheets

"s-so close jake I'm so close" you moaned and his hips got faster, his hand sneaking down to rub against your clit to make u reach your high faster. He couldn't wait to feel you gushing around his cock "that's right baby, make a fucking mess on me yeah?" he groaned, biting your lower lip and rubbing harshly against you, his hips never faltering, thrusting and thrusting until you were cumming all over his dick with a scream of his name

The moan was so pornographic it had him cumming within minutes of feeling the delicious clench of your cunt around his aching cock, filling you up to the brim, harsh pants escaping his lips as he used your pussy to ride his orgasm, eyes rolling back in pleasure. Sighs of satisfaction filled the empty space between your mouths

Harsh breaths were shared as you both came down from your highs, sharing sweet kisses and confessions, a string of "I love you" s falling from his lips while his palms caressed your body softly, rubbing against the parts where he'd grabbed you harshly

"Don't you need to go back? what will your manager do if he finds out you're here with me?" you asked some time later, his dick was still in you, feeling too good to cockwarm him just like this

He kissed you softly and shook his head "Told jay to take care of it. I honestly couldn't care less baby I just need you"

You bit your lower lip, getting shy now that he was being so sweet to you, not used to have him say such things to you casually "But u should care jake, you can't just risk your career for me"

"I could do anything for you. Nothing matters if you're not there, I hope you know that sweetheart" he whispered in your mouth before kissing you deeply again. "I hope you also know how proud of you I am my pretty little artist, no one else deserved that award more than you baby"

You wrapped your arms tightly around his neck and kissed him back, heart feeling full and all insecurities fading away at his words, cheeks flaming red from his compliments, unable to hide the smile overtaking your face

"I love you" you whispered, as if saying them any louder would take the meaning of the words away

"Yeah? Say that again baby" He whispered back and you giggled shyly, burying your face in the crook of his neck where you repeated the words again

He chuckled and kissed the side of your head adoringly "I love you so much too baby, and I'm going to show it to you every waking moment, I'm gonna love on you till you're begging me to stop"

You curled your body further into him at his words, heart feeling giddy after a very long time. Hoping that this feeling would last forever.

[takami-takami]

More venting, sowry. Actually embarassing to be doing this with this pfp, bye. Interact (like button) if you read.

Trauma, grief, sui threats, animal harm, abuse (not going to label it. Just assume it's in there). This is kinda long. It's honestly just a trauma dump but I'm just tired of holding it inside. Anyways.

Hiiiiii i'm so fucking stressed ^-^ Re: the situation with my dadddd. ^-^

Uragh. There was a huge argument last night. It's very harrowing living in this house. One day, you spend 2 hours talking someone through "dude this is literally wrong" and they're just... Chipper. Smiling into the phone, "uh, yeah. I know? Why do you think I did it?"

They detail to you exactly how much they want another person to hurt, to suffer, over a slight against them. Over "disrespect." You spend careful effort not to tell them how their actions made the other person cry, in case they find sick satisfaction in that. You listen to them detail the way they feel absolutely no remorse because they are incapable of such remorse. They only cry when recounting their own pain. They never cry for another. When another person cries that's sport, that's "games."

And a few days later, he's smiling asking you how you're doing. And everyone else is "trying" with him. I don't blame them, it's self protection.

Honestly. I think part of the problem here is that I'm just describing This week. Instead of a lifetime. You know?

Because I've sat through my dad telling me how people are pawns. Faceless. I've watched him boast with glee about how manipulative he is, how he wears the title "master manipulator" with pride. How he's the smartest person, how he's above everyone else. Don't mistake this as praise for him. In one of the hundreds of times he's talked to me about this he got six times seven wrong.

But anyways. I've seen how his face morphs into a smile slowly, crawling up his face as he gets me upset.

I'll give an example. One of the many times he basically tried to kill himself in front of us or said he was going to, he explained that the reason why is because he's personally experienced grief, and that's why he chose to do it as a punishment. Specifically so that we could feel the overwhelming experience of pain and anguish. He likes that kind of shit. Makes him feel all vindicated, ya know?

But he provides for us, cuz he cares about us or whatever. I mean, we're "extensions of him and he owns us" and all, if I'm being cynical; but he definitely is capable of love. At least, love the emotion, not the action. The problem lies in that he is physically incapable of feeling empathy, remorse, or guilt. Not having empathy itself is fine, by the way, like tons of people don't have empathy and are perfectly chill people but the problem lies in that he really doesn't have that "off" switch to stop him from doing sadistic things. It's a really bad combination.

I mean I guess there's fear. Of god, of being a bad person, of being like his father. I honestly don't know what's holding him together at this point.

It's just... A lot. Dealing with someone like this as your dad. But things are "better" now. Right? He just terrorizes mom now. He just picks fights now. It's not like "before." When he threatened to slice my pet rabbit up. When he threatened to [redacted] me. When he did something to me I don't want to talk about that I read is actually a war crime. Torture. You know? Stuff like that.

I feel... So much disgust in my body. I feel so much rage and shame. I don't even know why I'm posting this. But anyways.

It'd be an insult to call this "my story" or whatevs because it's nothing like that. I'm just... Tired. I thought I'd be happier not talking about what happened but I'm not. I probably won't feel any happier saying this either. But who knows.

I haven't been able to do my schoolwork. I'm supposed to get it done by tomorrow. I have to leave wednesday for my trip. Haven't done shit all day.

[totaldramafan-lauri]

Make Use Of Me (chapter 1, preview)

Dec. 7 EDIT: ONCE MORE, WITH BRAVERY THIS TIME. No more chickening out. You can read this thing FOR REAL now. Sorry for being weird, and now....sorry if this wasn't worth it. XD

O-OK...here goes....

First thing's first: I am not expecting a lotta people to read this. I'm not asking people to read this. At this point, I'm making this mostly as a passion project, and if anyone enjoys it, it'll be a really cool bonus. My writing style isn't gonna be for everyone, and the characters I write aren't the most....popular characters in the CRK X Reader community, and I imagine this isn't really something a lotta fans'll be demanding more of.

This is LONG. This one chapter is 56 pages long. I am a VERY wordy writer,

So......why'm I posting this preview? Well....partially as an interest gauge for people who WOULD wanna read it, but...mostly as a motivator. As something to remind myself of whenever I get lazy. After all....I can't quit after I made the first chapter public, right? By doing that, I put myself out there...And, hey, I even tagged it, so, if by the off chance, someone did read it, I'm basically promising them more eventually.....

But, again, I'm not forcing anyone to read this.

Not only is it long, but.....This first chapter is probably my least-favorite thing I've ever written. By posting this chapter by itself, I'm testing to see if it does its job of making people wanna read the rest, cuz....right now, I'm not so sure how well it succeeds at that.....

This is the boring part of the story. It's a bunch of setup, and me jumping through hoop after hoop after hoop to just get everything started. I know setup is important and all, but....I'm already a very wordy writer, so....oof....There is some interesting stuff that happens, but it takes a while to get there.

I-I....kinda hate it, actually. The only reason I didn't scrap it is that I didn't realize I hated it until I was about halfway through it and the "good part" hadn't started yet. And I still spent a month writing the thing, so....I finished it.

I'm tagging this...as an experiment. If you wanna read this, go ahead. W-well, read my tags first, THEN go ahead. XD

All I can really say in this chapter's defense is that....I do try my best to salvage it. It's just setup, but I TRIED to make it interesting. And everything that seems like it didn't go anywhere, will later. This isn't the whole story, it's just the beginning of what's gonna be a BIG story. Anything that seems weird in this chapter, gets explored in the other chapters. This does set up a bunch of stuff that becomes important later (The friend character shows up later, the Colosseum becomes relevant later). This chapter is boring, but I tried not to make any of it pointless.

For the future: I'm aiming for five chapters. Chapters 2 and 3 will be a series of smaller vignettes that take place over the course of a few years, chapter 4 will be the climax, and chapter 5 will be something of an epilogue. After that, there will be two endings to choose from (which will make sense when we get there).

This probably won't be my favorite thing I've ever written, but it will be the most ambitious thing I've ever, and probably will ever, write. I haven't written something like this before, and it's all to flesh out this story and make it believable.

Right now, I.....I want to finish this. I'll probably still be writing this in February at the rate I'm going, but...at this point, I've put too much into it to give up on it. However, I'm STILL not completely ruling out the idea of my motivation dying before then. It COULD happen. So, what I'm planning to do is...setting a short-term goal of finishing chapter 3. After I do that, I'll post the first three chapters on AO3 together, and work on the rest. That way, even if I don't finish it, I'll at least have it over half done, and chapter 3 will end on a somewhat high note.

So, yyyyeah....Not a lotta people will read this preview. Overly wordy writing style + boring setup part of story + 56 pages long + assumed lack of interest for X Readers of this character (At least, I haven't SEEN many simps for her, m-maybe I'm wrong, I might be, I-I haven't checked any tags cuz I've been nervous, b-but it doesn't make my writing any better. In that case, this is my first time writing her so I'm trying super hard to do her justice >//////<)

I-if you wanna read this, and see if this first chapter does a good job of making you wanna read the better chapters, then...Go ahead.....

Some notes:

-This is still not the final draft. It's finalized enough for me to share, but I'm still not considering it finished. Even tho I'm working on chapter 3 right now, I STILL go back and edit this, even very recently. So, chances are, even if the story is finalized, small details and sentences are still subject to change. I know for a fact that there are still SOME placeholder bits in here that will change after I get some stuff cleared up. Recently, I even considered chopping off an entire section to make it shorter. I decided not to, but hey, it could still happen. I don't wanna waste anyone's time. The first chapter of a story, even if it's boring, is still very important, and I wanna make sure it's the best version of itself.

(A-and yes, this means that I've finished chapter 2 as well. The reason I'm not sharing it is that, unlike chapter 1, it was finished VERY recently, so I might still need to give myself time to edit it. From what I have, tho, I do like it a LOT more than chapter 1. There are some parts of chapter 2 that I'm legit proud of.)

-Even tho this first chapter is completely clean, I-I should mention that....this fic is for adults. The full version, at least. Chapters 3 and 4 are gonna contain some light N/S/F/W moments (the "fade to black" variety, so nothing explicit) and there'll be other slightly racey comments here and there. Just a heads-up. I'm gonna be uncomfy with minors reading this.

Th-that's all? I-I think that's all.......O-OK, so......h-here goes..... E-enjoy....

[yumedoca]

Heres a ransdom thought experiment

Yoy are now rumiko takashi writing UY , what is a story beat youd chamge or just a story youd like to read as you have control of the characters

Hai there, hope you're doing great!!

Yay, I love questions like these!! Thank you for the ask anon and here we go ;)

Ryunosuke. Just mostly Ryunosuke, haha. I've never actually found her dad's joke of preventing Ryu from getting what she wants funny and it was more irksome than anything, and it sucked cuz Ryunosuke's great! But what's worse is that she never gets a proper resolution about her feminine wants (even though that was the main point of her character in the first place) and it was just dropped and ignored in the end, so it never felt like her character got a true resolution. I feel like a good way to write Ryu would be to keep the relationship with her dad the same for the most of her story. And then in her last few chapters have them talk out and be in proper understanding for once. Shigeru Chiba, Mr. Fujinami's remake voice actor (and Megane in the old anime), states his view on his character in his character comments:

(Also Shout-out to Shigeru Chiba, he's awesome. He's just so great lol, literally the guy ever.)

And the idea of Ryu's dad raising Ryunosuke to be male because he doesn't want her to leave him is a great idea!! I'd make it like that's the true reason why he does it and somehow they're pushed into a corner where he's forced to admit it to Ryu. He has shown to genuinely care at least a little about her (I'm pretty sure he protected her from the boys of class 2-4 that time she lost her chest wrap) despite how he usually acts. So have them reconcile, have Ryunosuke say she'll stay with her dad if he accepts her for who she is and have him accept her feminity as a result and allow her to act and dress the way she wants. Boom! Problem solved, both sides win and Ryu's dad is made more likeable while Ryunosuke's story has a proper conclusion.

RyuNagi. It's still about Ryunosuke, I know lmao. Anyway, I've discussed how I feel about the ship and other stuff about it here (read it if you haven't so what I say about them would make more sense). It's a bit all over the place discussing various stuff about them but I'll just copy-paste the bit where I talk about how it could be done better..

It had so much potential. Nagisa had to be introduced much earlier and they should've had more chapters together. Maybe, they could've made Nagisa and Ryunosuke discuss and bond over their stupid upbringing, maybe Nagisa could feel bad for Ryu, after hearing how much she wants to be a proper woman and how much her dad stopped her from enjoying herself and maybe help her enjoy things that her dad didn't allow her to (Christmas, Chocolates, etc.) and Ryunosuke fully falls for him because of his kindness... Then their romance would've felt even more natural.

I think the RyuNagi growth would take place before Ryunosuke's reconciling with her dad in case you want a timeline and by that time Ryu would properly be into Nagisa so the romance between them still stays, even after her being effeminate.

Introduce Inaba a bit earlier and give him another storyline with Shinobu. I feel like we still don't know much about Inaba and his dynamic with Shinobu entirely and that's like my only issue about Inaba and InaShino really, so have a storyline after they started dating where we can see how they bounce off each other and truly show that they're perfect couple, idk I just want more cute stuff for them, maybe Shinobu stands up for Inaba when the other bunnies bully him, maybe we get to know more about Inaba's interests and hobbies and maybe we can have the gag stuff be silly interactions between them and maybe Ataru (and Lum) spying on them or something idk.

Give great characters who don't have much spotlight what they need. Oyuki is a good example of this since she appears the least among Lum's alien friends. I saw someone online state that Kurama should've been brought back later on, instead of just disappearing, and could've attempted to mate with Tobimaro or Shingo; and I totally agree with it.. For the former, it could worked as an Asuka plotline and could've been a great arc and for the latter, it could be chaotic since Shingo doesn't know how to respect women. These two are the main examples but there may be others..

And that's all that comes to mind now. These are like the major, main ones and there might be others but they're probably incredibly minor or I just forgor about them..

[spacecowboy6780]

HII !!! LOVED YOUR ART ♡

do your csm ocs have lore? i'd love to read it ! (not me trying to make fanart no how would you think that nooooo of course nooooott)

HAADJKFMKLGD THANK YOUUU SO MUCH 😭😭 i dont know if i really have any good lore yet... im pretty bad at making that typa stuff i kinda just draw things lol

Orion!!

(i draw him a little differently each time dw abt it)

his pants are like- loose at the bottom so not tight fit :)) and he has like black combat boots i guess he's a whole sucker for black and white clothing hehe..

has a tongue piercing and a piercing on his right ear

he has a contract with the fox devil

likes the color white

does mma, anything to do with shooting things, and fishing

barem's right hand man (just a person to do his dirty work lol)

he's wasian, white mom (died during his birth), japanese dad (hates him for his mom's death and makes him try twice as hard because of it)

from a rich family who owns a [blank] company (i haven't decided what yet, i feel like a gun company would work but that's kinda ironic cuz yk)

he was a good child! always trying to meet his father's standards so he could do well, he wanted to be the best because he wanted his father's "love" (it wasn't really love. his father was emotionally manipulative and abusive and only gave him "love" whenever he did something in his favor or good. when he didn't he would tell him how much of a disgrace he is. only to treat him nicely again when he did something good.)

a social bird, made friend easily all throughout his school years, a popular and friendly person. he started to realize he could do whatever during his highschool years, because of his status as the sole heir to his father's company so he started to become more rebellious, going out more, skipping classes, getting drunk, but he always brought back straight A's. he became a rowdy asshole genius typa guy

closeted homo up to college years, he started really embracing his gay then. during highschool and middle school he would date women but he didn't really feel anything for them and would usually break up with them after a few months. he would make up the sweetest and most heartbreaking reasons why and they would forgive him, when in reality he really didn't care about them

his dad was suffering from heart issues as he got older, and as orion got older he grew to hate his dad, he slowly poisoned him with arsenic which led to him having a heart attack and dying!! one day he accidentally put too much arsenic into his food but he was like yknow what it's okay and then made sure to keep the maids away from his slowly decaying father, put him to bed early and tada he had a heart attack

he got away with it cause a) he’s the sole heir to the company and b) if he went to court? 💰💥💰💥💰💥

he met barem at the chainsaw church!! he was curious about it, flyers and all over town so he went to check it out. he got a tour from one of the church members before bumping into him. it was kind of a physical attraction at first, he just wanted to get into his pants. so he got a tour from barem, saying he didn't remember any of it (playing dumb blond stereotype lol). but after talking to him he was like hey wait this guy is also kind of cool and an eye opener (idk what he would've said i'll figure something out) and then he started to reeeeally take a liking to barem. he started to appear more around the chainsaw church, mostly around barem and talk to him a lot but he wouldn't join it. he didn't want to marry a woman. barem asked why he would come to the csm church if he didn't want to join it. orion was blunt and was like to see you ofc. barem was like ???.

sooner or later orion became his right hand man (i'll explain more on how later), or more of a person to just do a lot of his dirty work because he was so willing to do it. he's also willing to pay for all of barem's expenses. lol sugar daddy

ok i think im done for now but ill make like- a better doc for him i think he's like the first kind of fleshed out oc i've made in a while haha!

[echoghost1]

Five Fav Fics

got tagged by @jackdaw-sprite to pick 5 of my favorite fics that I've written! (here's their list)

this is gonna be hard cuz I have over 100 to chose from... ( ╯□╰ )

at least they don't have to be complete right?

Under the read more are the ones I chose

These aren't in order, just five that I picked

Carnival Mythika

Summary: What starts as a fun day at the carnival takes a turn after an innocent mistake. Danny gets separated from his friends at the carnival and asks the fortune teller for help to put him in the right direction, or maybe just back to the place he last saw them, the Cryptid Zoo.

Reason: this fic is my baby 😭 it's practically a novel and it really won't be that hard to change a few things and make this an original story because of how much of an AU it is. It's not done yet and it's taking me forever to write mostly because I keep having to take breaks because the emotional parts are so fricken heavy. Danny goes through it. he has a horrible time and it's all emotional trauma If you haven't read it, which it's an over 60k incomplete work with lots of angst and heavy topics, so I don't blame you. BUT if you wanna just read ch. 3 and let me know what you think （*＾-＾*）

Lively Conversations In Dead Man’s Land

Summary: Danny goes on a voluntary field trip to help his suffering grades.

Reason: This is one of the first fics I ever wrote way back in 2013 during PhannieMay (now DannyMay). The prompt was Western and I just went ham with a fluffy GrayGhost field trip fic. I had so much fun writing it and I still enjoy it today.

Quoth the Librarian, “But I’m Alone?”

Summary: Eleanor loved her job at the school library. She always made sure to come in early to make sure everything was just right before the students came. Today something beat her there.

Reason: One of the many fics I wrote for my first phic phight (2021) that I liked but it didn’t get much traction. The premise is simple, just a “what happened to this side character after a scene from the show” + making up a random OC that may never be used again.

Parallels

Summary: It's amazing the things you learn on a field trip.

Reason: My take on a reveal fic where Maddie & Danny try to have a normal mother-son bonding time during a field trip only for Danny to get triggered by something innocuous. A big part of the reason I’m proud of it was because I figured the trigger was so obvious but every comment that mentioned it was surprised by how perfect it was despite having never thought of it themselves.

A Night in La Casa del Sol

Summary: La Casa del Sol is an abandoned Bed and Breakfast on the North end of town, which like any good dilapidated building, has the reputation of being haunted. Paulina may act like an airhead, but she can still put two and two together. If her favorite ghost only comes out of hiding when there's another ghost around, she sure hopes her Abuela was right about the place. Danny is fist clueless, and then just confused, but mostly wants to make sure Paulina doesn't get hurt. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? Another sleepless night?

Reason: Even though it took me a while to add the final chapter to this one I think it was worth the wait. I had fun with a more classic haunted house type horror of Paulina and Danny exploring the old B&B together. That and that last chapter man, I don’t want to spoil it if you haven’t read it or if you did and forgot (it has been three years since I posted that final chapter lol)

And honorable mention goes to...

I think it would be illegal for me not to mention jackdaw’s favorite bedtime story 😜

Lost and Found

Summary: His parents had always warned him about the dangers in the woods.

Reason: Fae AU! Lost Time flavored Fae AU even! Also, like I said, Jackdaw really enjoys it If you don’t believe me check the comment section on that fic But I also really like it too. It was fun to write and it had my two favorite things, an au and taking an idea someone else did but putting my own spin on it! Fun fact: the final spoken bit of dialogue was actually the very first line that I thought of. It’s what made me write this story. It was just so good. And I’m happy to report that it did in fact pay off

[latina4rmbx]

I Can Buy Myself Flowers...

Sometimes I need to figure my shit out. Sometimes I take so long to figure my shit out that it loses it's luster. I've been pondering this post for a bit and it's learned me a few things:

I need to charge my laptop. As I lay in bed, stroke of insight comes to me, but if I pick up my phone, I'm going straight to social media and there goes my insight. At least with my laptop I don't have social media embedded in any of the apps, I think, and I can get what I need to get off my chest.

I sometimes over/underestimate myself and it's to my own detriment

I was in an extreme emotional state yesterday with no real outlet. I had no reason to cry but I felt that ache or that hollow in my chest. I even asked a friend for a sad movie suggestion so I can get it out. I still haven't seen the movie

I know I've said this before, and I guess I will repeat it until I understand, you really don't realize the impact you make/have made on a persons life sometimes. If you're lucky, people will give you your flowers while you're still here

This is a great segue into the whole reason we're here...

Yesterday I posted a Meme that reads: Her: I ordered us new phone cases. The fucking phone cases (if I can add the pic here I will) then I wrote: Me as a GF. Let me just try to post this thing because 1. it was the catalyst and 2. I think it truly sums me up as a GF and 3. It's cute AF. Take in the entire post lol

An ex-boyfriend reaches out to me to make a joke about the phone cases.

His joke: "This was us but I had more ass than you."

In case you were wondering what my response was...this is the lead up to the crux of this AM post. From here on out I'm going to refer to him as Guy. Another person comes into play and I'll call them Man.

Me: But that's a real message I sent to a real man who probably has more ass than I do too 😂 I haven't checked it out enough. We haven't done sexy time yet 😃

Guy: Whaaaaaat (I didn't count the A's but there were quite a few)

Me: Stop it

Guy: This is real?! Not a drill ?!?

A little more chatting about Man

Guy: Ok well he gets you. That's important

Here is where the mood changes. Up to this point we were laughing, well Guy was laughing at my antics (because I be antic-ing)

Me: Well we don't see each other much cuz life be lifin' the shit out of us but it's good lol. Thanks for inquiring about the drills.

Side Note: He speaks to me in voice note after a bit so I'll have to transcribe. I'll do it verbatim but I KNOW I will cry.

Guy: Good speaking to you again. Instead of us, just sending funny videos to each other... Though I like that too.

Me: Thank you for being everything.

Me: I'm really lucky I met you Guy. I hope you know that. Good or bad you always have a special place in my heart

Guy: Can I say: Ditto. One day I'll be able to put into words what our time together has meant and always meant to me

Me: It's not necessary. I appreciate it anyway

Guy: Well I think people need to get their flowers!!!!

See the correlation to the title now?

Me: I do too & life is shorter than we realize.

Here's where his voice notes start. There are only 2 but each is about a min long so it may take some time (& Coffee) to transcribe. I did not respond to him in VN form. As a matter of fact the conversation between him and I's portion will end with my first response, then I'll move on to something else. It'll make sense

VN1: No, I I I mean that in all truthfulness. Uhm, people deserve their flowers cause you never know when somebody's gonna go or somebody saying I'm never going to talk to you ever again. So, No I wanted to always tell you thank you because I wasn't always uhm I dunno. I guess life gives you perspective once you get some distance and time. I'm not trying to speak deep or like philosophical. It's just one of those things where you know. I remember being young. I remember, you know, being infatuated with you and not knowing how to handle that and also not knowing how to handle when I had unfinished business or you know uhm. There were so many things I was learning on the fly. It's like flying a plane and fixing the wing while you're flying it. I should've just landed the plane and learned my lesson.

VN2: But even when I was flying the plane, so to speak, or hanging out with you uhm, I always wanted to thank you. I mean, you know, there were times that, you know, I really made you feel like shit and I'm sorry. And there's times there, you know, where you and I were at odds for whatever reason, and you know. I wasn't always great, you know. I learned a lot from you. I learned about forgiveness, and I learned about, you know, about how to truly love somebody or what to have when you truly love somebody. Or that so much, that that that our multiple interactions have taught me. From the beginning all the way to the last one. And it was so fun in a weird way to have you in my apartment that day when we were saying good bye to T. And that was kinda like uh, if this was a sitcom, and that was the last episode, it'd be a good one.

Me: The one where we said good bye

If you didn't get it, my response is a nod to ye olde show "Friends."

Here's where it gets interesting/sad, I was crying typing that response to Guy. However, I went to the counsel, which is 2 people. 1 who knows him and one who doesn't. I'm going to only share the conversation with the one who doesn't know him because it was sweet, our back and forth. For the sake of consistency they will be dubbed, C1 (LOL - is that consistent?). Ok, ok, Lady. She'll be dubbed Lady. As in, I spoke to the Lady

Me: Listen to this. It's my ex boyfriend & THIS made me cry.

Lady: Awww O

Me: You know how you feel like you didn't mean anything to someone and then you find out you meant everything. This did it for me. Bad timing. But when the timing was right...It was too late. He broke up with his GF and I had broken up with *CENSORED*. We were ripe for the picking but it didn't feel...the same.

Lady: Yes I now the feeling

Lady: At least you now know you meant something big to him

Me: Yeah. It's comforting

Me: I always wondered if I was doing love wrong

That's it. Not the end of the conversation but the point that he was helping me with, without even being aware. I always wondered if I was doing love wrong. Craziness because some people never think of love in terms of something to consider or work on, it's just what they feel or do. But what does that mean? To feel love. What does it mean to DO love? You know.

Lady: I don't think you've ever done love wrong. Just was given to the wrong people at the wrong time because as a friend you are very loveable and you're giving, attentive

Me: Thank you

Me: I had to work on the friendship love too

Lady: No need to thank me for the truth

Me: I know I used to do friendship wrong

Lady: Well I'm glad I get the best of you ❤️❤️

That was literally the end of hers and I's conversation.

In the other conversation I mention feeling validated. I think this is the part that kept me up half the night. Why did I need him or anyone to validate me? Then it clicked, I value his opinion of me. He's one of the very few people who can tell me "O, it's not a good look." He does it with such a pure and true heart. It doesn't hurt when he's putting me in my place. Again, I'm speaking as a friend here, not as a lover. That ship has sailed a long time ago. Two years ago, when we reconnected through mutual heartbreak, solidified it.

We were GREAT as lovers and being in love but we're sooooo much better as champions for each other. We cheer each other one from the sidelines. I guess that's what happens when time and distance give us perspective.

Thank you readers for reading. I truly appreciate you taking any moment out of your day to read through my posts.

I can buy myself flowers...But why would I have to?

XOXO

Thanks for Reading

[partyinthemysterymachine]

hi! been reading goomt and got to the end of ch62 - i was kind of sad about james being so mean to harry and his weight in it tho :[ is that something that needs to be in there? i wasn't sure if you might revise things at all! i want them to kiss but poor harry!!!! anyway, can't wait to read more! hope ur well! :D

hello!!! :3c and thank you SOOOO MUCH for reading GOOMT!! i REALLY appreciate your time reading it and also coming to ask me a question!! 👀 thank you so so much that means a lot :3!! but oooh you've gotten to the library arc i see >:3c!! you're in for a pretty dense smattering of chapters (in case you haven't maybe noticed LOL) and i hope you enjoy them (as well as pack a snack and remember to hydrate, LOL)

to answer your question and concern: yes - i'm sorry to say - it does need to be in there.

(quick note: i'm gonna sound all formal pretty soon here, and as such, my tone may come across as kind of stiff, defensive, or upset to some, and i just want to quickly say that i am NOT upset, stiff, defensive, or intending to be at all LOL. really honestly deeply we are soooo super chill here, it means a LOT to me that people feel comfortable to come forward with questions and concerns like these and i just want to try to answer as best as i can!! this is me taking u seriously as well as this topic and just trying to get my words out good and comprehensible LOL.)

now believe u me!! i DID have some hesitation. i've thought very hard on how and why i depict the characters the way i do. they are each their own mess of roses and thistles and thorns and black widows. but i don't want to do myself any injustice as a writer by holding back on character traits and my developmental intents with the character just because the character is doing something i personally do not condone, and know might make some readers uncomfortable. it's unfair to the story i'm telling, unfair to myself, unfair to readers, and unfair to the entire process of growth and my choice to tell the story as a glacial slowburn in general to withhold the ugly side of a person.

because GOOMT is an enormous glacial slowburn. it's a transformative piece in the effect that the characters are going to need so much time to learn, to practice, to confront, progress and regress, stifle and bash barriers, and all in order to transform themselves - and it is a constant battle.

James is not the same person as he was all those years ago. to say the town changed him is a gross understatement. his ongoing trend of fatphobia towards Harry is 100% intentional from me as a writer, and from him as a character. this is an ugly piece of James that i thought hard on before including, and wouldn't remove.

cuz see, i've done my deep dive masters thesis on the psychology of James Sunderland GOOMT, but this stupid blond sad wet idiot doesn't know a gat dang thing!!! LOL

James sucks. he's kind of a shitty person. and there are reasons for this. MANY reasons, MANY factors, and many that are interconnected intricate!! but one thing to remember is this one piece of complicated, albeit common human nature:

people are mean. they will think mean things about other people, or even say it to their faces with the intention to hurt. there can be any sort of reason WHY they are mean, too.

James is thinking hurtful fatphobic thoughts about Harry because that's how he feels about Harry on the surface level. he's fat: it's disgusting. it's a reason not to like him. has he always felt like this about fat people? who knows :) is this something that has subconsciously altered him with origins that can be connected back to Eddie..?

oh.. who knows? :) ;) but the fact of the matter is that James himself is only taking this on surface level. he's thinking mean things to be mean. it's distancing behavior; and it's absolutely crucial to his character development that i show his ugliness.

all in all, these threads go deeper and farther than simple fatphobia for James. it's superficial and it's stupid and it's so mean and so ugly and it's crucial character and human development to have, and then work through.

i understand and totally sympathize, as well as respect, any opinions that this would seem out of character for James, or would turn anyone off from him or the story somehow, or any other characterization choices i've made in GOOMT thus far. total respect!! this fic is a whole 'nother partyinthemysterymachine in itself and there are totally likely to be plot points and pieces of character development and/or portrayal that could have some people going :\.

and that's totally normal and natural, even if it sucks all around.

but just want to make a quick note here too that should anything in GOOMT ever not jive anymore, that i 100% encourage, and 100% prefer people who are not enjoying GOOMT, or find something that turns them off at any point, to stop reading.

hit the brix!! unbookmark!! never click it again! that's all perfectly okay with me, because your enjoyment factor of what you read or consume should be more important than trying to stick with something just because of whatever. i'm not bothered. i'd be sad to see anyone go, but MUCH happier knowing that they bowed out for themselves. there is no reason to read GOOMT if it doesn't jive or hits the wrong notes on a topic or if the story takes a turn that feels too much to bear.

anywhoo. so maybe we got A Lil Serious at the end there LOL, BUUUUT i really like to make sure i just. Clarify Things sometimes LOL and like. just let you and other readers know that we're all just here to have fun, maaaaann...... we're all just here to boogie :3c!

ALL IN ALL THO DON'T WORRY LOL, and thank you SOOOOOO SO SO SO much again anon for this ask!! 🥺🥺💖💖🙏🙏🙏 it means so fuckin much to me that you sent it. i hope that i have explained myself and my intents coherently and well, and if there's anything else u might have questions or concerns about PLLSSS don't hesitate to let me know!!

stay healthy and happy and safe and hydrated out there, and mayhaps i'll see you later in the fog!!! :3c!!!!

[flames-memory]

**__Wednesday__**

So, that’s now. I’m almost done with this drone work. I took this job to get some downtime from BLP. Make some money Kass wouldn’t be looking for. They all kept telling me to make an account, set up auto pays, blah blah blah. I didn’t pay her since that first payment, cuz I only pay cash, and I never delivered the rest! Still, I’m keeping the job. It’s good to be busy and normal for a good part of the day. Well, night. Also good for me. Fewer people.

Max and I will be meeting up later. He’s schedule is different, so late for me. I’m going to go make a cute outfit, so he’ll smile when he sees me. BC Promised to hang out with me before hand, so really, I’m the luckiest. I can’t wait.

**__Movie Night__**

Either Max was early, or I misunderstood. I managed a cute outfit, and went up to chill blueside for a bit. Ran into Stormy and Rad. Steph showed, and I got a little girlie outfit approval, and thanked Steph for the Banana Bread. (BC made a sandwich with it... O,o wth lmao I love her so much)

I met up with Max, and we watched Dune 2 at the cinema by Afterhours. He was so handsome, all shirt and tie heh.

We talked about BC. I don't want to hurt him. He seems to understand, at least in general terms of thers's romantical hijinks afoot wit both of them, and they mean... just everything to me.

Makes me think about Jay, and the other "options" I might have, but I don't know that I want or need anyone else. I guess if I meet someone, and like Max and BC, I'll love them or not. I didn't pick Max, or BC, I just love them, like it or not.

So I'm going to just be happy now, and not "look". Not for "love". I want to look for friends, and find love if it's there. Like with Max and BC.

So, many jokes, much sugar, and several (not enough) kisses later, and I'm pretty sure I saw MOST of the movie. Sitting in Max's lap, well, almost, cuddling with him. No pressure or expectations. Just happy sweet love. Again... like nothing I've done... maybe ever. I mean, even in high school, I don't think I ever felt anything like that. In my experience, Rogue Isles boys were not... romantic.

I guess they gotta come from a powerful crime family to come out as nice as Max

He kissed me good night, at my doorstep. Such an amazing night. I didn't know I could have moments like that.

I shared this with BC... I'm glad she can read what I'm thinking here, understand me better. I messed up so badly there, I want to know she understands, that I haven't used the wrong words somehow, and said things wrong... or save her have to listen to too many long speeches about feelings, heh.

But I forgot about the pictures. I forgot I mentioned them. I don't mind so much that she knows. I hope she never has to see them. To see me like that. I wasn't ashamed when it happened, exactly, but I also didn't ask her to take them, and I certainly didn't ask her to sell them online. At first, I was kind of impressed at the amount of money. That seemed strange. Who pays a bunch of money for porn pictures?

I tried to get back in and get them from the server, but I couldn't access it. I'm not a hacker, what can I say.

And Now.. BC says she's going to get rid of them. Please.. don't let her get hurt, or get in trouble.

I worry, just a little.. that if Kass knows I'm worried about them, that if I draw any attention to them, she might get ideas. Might do something... but really, that's probably not going to happen. Kass would have to FEEL something, feel anger, feel resentment, over me. And I don't believe she has any such strong feelings, not for me. Fearing that drama is just ego, some sick part of me that wants Kass to be mad, to be hurt, to feel something over me leaving, but I don't believe it. Not really. Besides, I'd rather she just forgot all about me. If she did feel something, BC or Max might get hurt, and I don't want that, not for any reason.

[starlightreactor]

Compuper Chronicles

So I've been a user of computers for some time now, and the hard drives of my laptop are almost full. For a good while I thought it's just because I have so many games installed on it, but after a bit of searching my hard drive issue seems to be more than just a lot of games.

I have a C: and D: drive, with 585gb and 346gb respectively (each standing for 'Computer' and 'Data' I imagine). C is where I have most of my documents and such, as well as where Windows is installed. D is where I store most of my games.

I learned that in steam's (the software I use to install games) settings it gives you a readout of how much of your drive is taken up by installed games. According to steam, I have 248gb of installed games on my D: drive (the largest being Destiny 2 at 100gb), and 96gb of games on my C: drive (the largest on that one being Elden Ring at 48gb). Those numbers come as no surprise, but Steam also reads any non-steam installations and lumps them into the category of 'other'. On my C: drive I have 349 Gigabytes of 'other'. Accounting for Documents (64gb), Pictures (10gb), Downloads(8gb) and Videos (47gb) +~10gb total in ART, GAMER SECTOR, 3d Objects, and music, that leaves nearly 207 gigabytes of unknown files on my C: drive.

The D: drive isn't much better. On D: is 97 gigabytes of 'other' according to steam. The only non-steam file on D: is Fortnite, which comes to 26.5 gigs. That leaves ~71 gigabytes of who knows what on D: drive.

Now, I've already done some housekeeping before writing this. I uninstalled the game Elite Dangerous off my D: drive ages ago, but when I went looking in the D: steam folder the whole chunk of the game was still in there! I could boot it up and everything. That was ~50 gigabytes of stuff.

Going back to the C: drive steam folder, I found some pretty interesting stuff. Firstly, in C:\Program Files (x86)\Steam\music_database\covers, I found a bunch of random pngs? Like this bone:

There is also a fern, greek column, and what I presume is the cover art for a bunch of games' osts. Some of these games I don't own though, like A hat in time, Spooky's jumpscare mansion, and WarioWare smooth moves (that game isn't even on steam!? why is it in here). There's also the cover for Minecraft's volume 1 ost.

^There's some of the covers. I have never downloaded Neil Cicirega's Mouth Moods, but I'm not surprised seeing him in there cuz if anyone would infiltrate the random corners of my computer it would be him. This isn't a storage issue, so I may as well leave them there.

I had also found more game files in steam's Common folder which come up as 'uninstalled' in steam itself but never actually uninstalled, such as all of the old Garry's Mod addons that I unsubscribed from, but were never deleted from C:. Luckily, Gmod has a factory reset button in it's installation folder so I just used that. I found more workshop addons in the SteamVR folder that amounted to 34 gigabytes of stuff that I haven't used or interacted with in any form in years, so that went out the window and into the dumper.

I also decided to uninstall some tf2 mods that I haven't played like ever, and with that I could uninstall the Source 2013 multiplayer SDK (but not before looking through the SDK's files), and for whatever gosh darn reason I found smell.jpg in there:

There he is!! I have no idea how he ended up in the folder, but he was there ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (I moved him into /steamapps before I deleted the SDK so he's safe inside steam's folder, dont worry).

Alrighty! Writing these as I find them now. Apparently, Gmod is installed on my D: drive! and all of the freaking addons as well! Thats 25 gigabytes of game that I don't even use because the Gmod I play is on my C: drive.

Found another 1.29gb in Kerbal Space Program, which is also not installed. Easy peasy. 1.67 gigabytes in Portal 2, which, you guessed it, is not actually installed. 3 more gigs freed because I had a copy of the Rain World level editor in Rain World's folder.

Alright. I've reduced D: drive's 'other' to 56 gigabytes. Minus Fortnite that is 30 gigs unaccounted for, which I'll go look for later. For now, it's late so I'm gonna sign off. I will update this tomorrow when I tackle the mystery of C: drive.

[survivor-trinidad-and-tobago]

Episode 8: "i have never been so alone in the game"—Astyn

In this round: Tony, Champ, Colin, Raffy, and Kolby win Family Feud, leaving everyone else in danger of being eliminated at tribal council; half the tribe loses their vote; Astyn is voted out; and Steven wins on Purgatory and re-enters the chat after tribal council

Eman

I've gone back to feeling a bit adrift . . . I feel like I am in a good position, very close with a number of people - but I don't think I'm anyone's number one. (In fairness, I don't know that I have a ride-or-die either, just a lotta people that I really like and would be happy to continue working with.

Interestingly, I will say that I've seen a bit of negative chatter re: Astyn, and I'll come right out and say that I like them! They were one of the first people to welcome me post tribal switch and they've just been plain *nice* to me and I see no reason not to reciprocate. Maybe the two of us could somehow get a whole UTR thing going I'd be down for that.

Also finally chatting with Alex more - I broke and addressed the elephant in the room first (we now only have one extra vote between us and should strategize on how to use it at some point) and I'm reasonably certain (it's SO hard when you can't read body language) that he appreciated that.

--

Oh how the worm squirms . . .

I suspected Zee, now I'm close with Zee.

I was close with Kolby, now I'm finding Kolby's actions suspect.

AND I CAN'T MAKE A FREAKIN' PLAN cuz I don't know how anyone beyond my immediate group did all because Raffy was milliseconds faster on hitting enter than I was (and I'd actually like to send off to New York for a replay because there's NO FREAKIN' way that he wasn't hitting enter before the hosts were done talking. That's all I gotta say.

But I think Raffy also knew he was in danger, so I can't fault that. I'm probably in danger too (or I'm paranoid; I'll give it even odds) for being too freakin' old and too freakin' likeable (and too freakin' opinionated, but right now only my diary/the confessional booth knows that latter part).

Anyway, I'd really like to stop thinking about the game and instead go back to obsessing about other things . . . so more later.

--

What kinda game am I playing?

I ONLY WISH I KNEW.

Fly by the seat of my pants, what feels right in the moment, dear god I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass in the long run, I wanna be likeable, but not too likeable, I wanna be smart, but not too smart, god-freakin-dammit, this is too hard, gosh-freakin-darnit this is so much fun.

That's what kinda game I'm playing.

And I am also obviously growing increasingly unhinged as time goes by.

Tony

Champ and I fuckin killed that challenge and I’m stoked that we’re in an alliance together! I’m not nervous for tribal but am torn because it feels like folks are gonna be gunnin’ for Michael. I’m gonna do my best to protect him but only hope it pays off.

Zee

We hit the merge! And my my my, I have so much shit going on it's crazy. I realized the only people I haven't really spoken to before merge were Michael and Raffy, but since the merge I kind of have just been talking about yellowjackets with Raffy, still haven't gotten around to talking with Michael but that's alright. I'm hoping that I'm on the winning tribe for this family feud thing, because I feel like there's a target on my back(put there by Raffy) and I'd really like it if I didn't have to feel like I need to play it so early on. I still don't trust anyone, of course, but right now I'm vibing the most with Kaleigh and Champ, and also with MH(Eman). The edgic definitely is super interesting, I'd like to think that I'm this under the radar player that people keep talking positive about, but I also have no idea, since it seems like(since last time they got UTRP5) that they are being talked about A LOT, by everyone, but in a positive way. So maybe it is me, who knows.

I also am majorly stressed about tribal council, to a point where it's almost unfun to actually play due to the anxiety. Why, you ask? Well, I got the read receipts on disadvantage in like....my first Idol hunt I think, which goes into effect in my next tribal council. Except the problem is, I NEVER WENT TO TRIBAL, so it's never been used. However, Trinica and AJ said they're only able to tell me how it messes up my game, AFTER tribal council, which makes it all the scarier. Can I calculate my moves based on what it does? Nope. So basically I have an advantage I know virtually nothing about now (insert yikes face here). I do know that if Raffy isn't safe, it seems like the smartest move to vote him out.

--

So Champ and I just had like an hour and a half call(and we're probably gonna call more later to talk about things) and like.....I don't wanna say I trust her but I really want to trust her. Like we out here vibing and I just hope she stays loyal bc I genuinely want to work with her so I think it's really good if she wants to work with me too. I feel like it would be wise to call w/Kaleigh at some point as well, just to get on top of things, but genuinely Kaleigh and Champ are the two people I want to be sitting at the end with. And I know, I know, you have to take goats along so that your game seems better and blahblahblah. Whatever, sue me. Also I genuinely don't know who is allied with who right now, but I do have theories. I think Kolby is probably in Alex's pocket, and if Alex is smart(which he is, in a very mischievous and tailored way) then he's definitely aligned with Raffy. I know MH might be close with Kolby as well, but maybe they won't tell him anything, if we(or I) stress the worries that I have surrounding that. Chances are that whatever we tell Kolby, makes a beeline right to Raffy, or at least to Alex, both of which aren't good. I definitely also think that Colin and Astyn have made their way back to Raffy, and also Colin apparently has a rather big mouth, so it's not wise to tell him anything of substance.

Champ and I also talked about who we'd want to get out, and the list as it stands is Raffy, then Alex, then Colin, in order of threat level. As it stands, the plan could be this: Kaleigh and I, and at least Jack don't have votes. There's a large possibility that more people than that don't have votes. But let's talk about what we are almost positive of. Kaleigh and Jack don't have votes, and neither do I. So, valid votes without extra votes are 9. If I use my extra vote, and Champ uses her extra vote and her normal vote, and MH votes with us, perhaps we'll be able to bring in Tony too, that gives us 5 votes. If we're lucky, the other votes will be scattered. If not, we'll either have majority, or go to rocks. At least that's the goal. I have no clue what's happening challenge wise, but we'll see. Stay tuned for more folks.

--

Ok so let’s get one thing straight. I still don’t trust none of these bitches. Especially since ya bitch doesn’t have a vote. HOWEVER, I think I’m making a plan. Most of the people in the Mystery Machine group(those of em w/votes) seem to want to vote Astyn, especially is good if MH can convince Tony to vote w/them. I’ve also heard Michael’s name from people like Kolby, and Colin seems to want to vote for Michael as well. Sooooo, if I’m lucky, the votes will be split somewhat between Michael and Astyn, sending one of them home. I don’t want to use my idol, because that will break the trust of everyone, so I just have to hope that tribal goes my way. Also, EVERYONE is coming out of the woodworks to talk w/me, I also have been trying to talk with others as well lol, since I kinda got a bit lax and didn’t do much talking for a bit. So I just have to stay on top of my social game more.

Colin

FUCK YEAH I'M SAFE

that challenge was so chaotic. glad we made it thru.

I haven't heard anything about the first vote yet, which is fun because I know it's going to turn out chaotic, but at LEAST I'M SAFE so I don't have to worry about it. Zee also put together a chat with me, Jack, and Champ and I suppose it's going to be an alliance. I'm excited for it, but there's not a ton of loyalty there, there's other people I wanna work with more. This group only formed because we played the codenames challenge together. I think I'm gonna try to reinstate the power rangers alliance with Raffy, Jack, and Astyn. BUT I also really wanna work with Eman and Alex, so I need to lay ground work there because we haven't been on a tribe together before.

I have nothing else to confess about so here's a power ranking of everyone on the tribe, ranked by how much I wanna work with them

1. Alex 2. Eman 3. Zee 4. Raffy 5. Kaleigh 6. Jack 7. Astyn 8. Champ 9. Kolby 10. Michael 11. Tony

will confess later when tribal starts triballing.

Jack

side note: I love Michael and would not throw him into the firing line unless it’s a last resort option but I was HELLA frustrated with his answers screwing us in the challenge

Kolby

Michael

We have tribal council tonight, I've heard from pretty much everyone that the vote is Astyn. Just makes sense at this point. So I'll go that way.

Raffy

I do not really have much to say. I haven't really been socializing well with my tribe, so I have no idea where the vibe is. Apparently, Kolby and Zee are leading the charge against Astyn which I hate. But I can't do much about it because I don't even have a vote. I could use my idol on Astyn, but to take out who? There's no one whose eligible that I really want gone. I wish the target would change from Astyn to Michael. If it has to be someone from OG Calypso, let it be someone I was never in an alliance with, you know? I just hope I can find my footing because I feel a bit lost right now.

Kaleigh

broooo i got a knowledge is power advantage holy shit. it stresses me out bc i’m like well maybe i should save it but i dont wanna be one of those ding dongs who leaves the game w an advantage that could have saved them. uuuuuuugggggggh.

lmao zee asked to chat and casually was like “i lost my vote in an idol hunt but i have that other vote from before,” as if she had told me about it, i was like hmm what vote? she was all “DID I NOT TELL U?” baby i c u!! u know u didn’t tell me hun. either that or the bimbo alliance is more aptly named than i thought. anyway so i'm not sure if champ told her i knew (rude) or if she just decided that she wanted to lock in w me. either way... NOTED!!!!

okay what is new what is newwwww. i’m vulnerable at tribal (i just typed TRIBLE LMFAO) , alex lost his vote in the SAME IDOL HUNT THAT ZEE DID!!! i wish i had told him not to go down that path but i didn’t know how to w/o telling him zee lost her vote. which NOW… i wish i j had cuz zee has suddenly gone extreeeemely messy. OR IS IT ME WHO’S BECOME MESSY? AM *I* THE DRAMA?!?!? zee wants michael out (probably bc he is the person she’s spent the least time talking with) and i want astyn out (for the same reason and also they are allied w raffy who is not allowed to get far in this game!!). so zee asked who we should vote and i said astyn and she was like “or we could stay soca strong and vote out michael.” LOL voting out astyn would be soca strong??? what r u talking aboutttTTT!!! and alex said after he threw Astyn’s name out to zee and zee said michael, five minutes later colin told alex that kolby was the one who mentioned michael’s name , not zee LMAOOO she is just… doing a lot. these sentences are so confusing even to me. ANYWAY.

alex and i are pipe dreaming about whether or not there’s a way to get zee out tonight - i havent told him (or anyone) about my advantage, j bc i’m kinda scared he’ll target me, but honestly i like alex and it feels like he’s been pretty forthcoming with me about stuff, AND he’s usually available for a phone call which is like everythinggg. like i like playing w him. we also figured out michael and tony might be irl friends bc alex noticed a familiarity when tony said something to trinica in the scavenger hunt challenge and michael told me yday he’s friends w trin and that’s why he’s in this game. AGAIN… something steven was correct about - he had said that he chose michael to be on that second soca formation bc he wanted to separate michael and tony bc they were both in texas and might know each other. genius! i miss steven!! but michael and i talked game finally (phew) and he seems to want to work with me and also alex which YAY. he said he and tony are voting astyn. i wish it felt like there was an easy way to get zee out this round cuz her gameplay is giving CONFUSING. and i dont like it LOL i haven’t gotten to talk to champ at all since the results of the challenge came out, and i’m kind of nervous about that. i thiiiiink we can get astyn out but zee is making me very wary cuz she’s j not rly replying and knowing that she’s trying to orchestrate some weird michael vote out is just creeping me out. ANYWHO… not much else to say. i might tell alex that zee lost her vote the same way he did to see if he can come up with any ideas to get her out tonight but i j dont think i feel it. might be too big a move rn or too divisive or alienating to ppl who aren’t in on the vote. or maybe it would just fail LOL who knows!! astyn feels like a safe vote rn but who knows what will happen before/at tribal. not me :) part of me is like, vote me out so i can have my life back!!! and the other part is like, if i get voted out my life will be over!! which is… truly out of touch with reality!!

Alex

It's fascinating seeing everyone keeping their cards so close to their chest for this first vote. Kolby and Zee both straight up asked me who I was thinking without any buildup but when I spun it back on Zee she was like "I don't have any big thoughts." Like, I know you suggested Michael to Kaleigh so you definitely have thoughts, you just suddenly don't want to share them with me? I know Eman and I will talk game today but we're at least having conversation outside of the game, too. Kaleigh and Michael are the two I feel genuinely solid with right now, and Champ, she's just hard to reach already and it makes me worried going forward. Kaleigh and I were thinking Asytn because they're one of the only two we haven't really met yet, and when Kaleigh floated it to Michael Michael floated it to me. So I think we're all solid as a trio, we just don't have a group chat or anything to make it official like Champ, Kaleigh, and I do. Jack it sounds like is also on board, at least for Astyn, but I don't know if it's because he and Michael are close or because he's just going along with what keeps him safe. Colin and I are dancing around giving up any information to each other and since he's tight with Zee I'm trying not to make the first move. Raffy and I haven't talked since before the challenge even kicked off, so I don't know where we stand, and Tony and I haven't talked since pre-merge but whatever.

--

LMAO I just remembered I don't even have a vote for this. Idol hunting is a nightmare and I'm half-considering stopping hunting entirely so I don't get hit with something else.

Astyn

This round been so quiet for me. I feel like my time has come to an end in this game. I was so excited to make merge. But i have never been so alone in the game. People I thought I was working with with aren't talking to me.

Tribal Council

Votes

Lost Votes: Alex, Kaleigh, Zee, Raffy, Jack, Astyn

Colin: Michael (I don’t think you’re going but unanimous votes are boring!)

Tony: Astyn (nothing personal, we just didn’t have time to connect)

Michael: Astyn (At this point it just makes sense for my game, hope you have a good one!)

Champ: Astyn (OPE OPE OPE)

Eman: Astyn (I hate voting for an enby during Pride month, but to do otherwise would be tokenism.)

Kolby: Astyn (they’re super sweet and i’m sad about this but everyone just wants an easy vote and i don’t want to rock the boat this early in the merge!)

[lovesickramblingsofmine]

Things are going on

A stream-of-consciousness-type and rambling post about what is currently going on in my love-life. Frankly unfitting and childish for a 21-yo.

Varning: Entirely unedited

My mind has gone and done it again. Clearly it hasn't caught up to the fact I'm too old to be catching crushes like honey catches flies. Who is it this time then comes the rhetorical question.

Why someone who I've met all of three times of course. And even that is giving my mind too much credit 'cuz the crush had crept it's little claws into me by the first day anyway.

We just so happened to end up as the only two people our age in a car and she got to chatting about a book she wished she'd brought to the hour-long trip. A book I just so happened to have heard good things about so I said as much. So we started discussing reading in general, and thus that hour-long ride passed to conversation.

Now here's the thing about this girl, I think I would find her annoying if I didn't happen to also find her quite cute. She does this thing that my ex also used to do where she will force some personal information or opinion into a conversation. Making the conversation be about her in spite of what was already being discussed.

The plausible excuse my mind makes for this is that this behavior is very standard in the club where I've met her. Most everyone will do that very same thing and I'd like to think that not all of them are that way naturally.

She's a very physically capable person, the farmer's-daughter-type, which contrasts greatly with my generally techy and nerdy personality. In that way she is more alike my brother than one might like but that clearly hasn't given my mind any pause.

The reason we were both at the club at the time was that we're all building and preparing for an international competition the club hosts. And to be quite frank I have been looking forward to going there mainly to see her again, despite the main reason for me being there is to act as trainer as I usually would.

From the very partial lens with which I view this whole situation I feel like she has been seeking me out there. Like she has been close by a statistically unusual amount considering she's supposedly been building. These thoughts remain despite me telling my mind to curb its expectations.

To view this whole ordeal from another - very indulgent - angle I feel like she has been quite physically close, let me elaborate; at one point I was standing keeping an eye on an athlete (the sport in question is performed solo) and was thus very focused. During this time she walked by placing her hand on the small of my back, causing me to yelp in surprise and spin around to see what had touched me. After I'd done so we just sort of locked eyes for a full second though I can't way I could get any kind of read of the vibe at all, in hindsight I wish I'd smiled at least a little 'cus after all I didn't really mind.

On another note we got into this whole play-fight thing about me being ticklish where I was trying to stop her from tickling me obviously. Now this does not feel like something that people around the age of twenty do in general. However all of this could very well just be her way of being since I haven't seen her interact with anyone beside the athletes who she knows since before and are a few years younger. Though I don't think she was being particularly touchy with them either.

It should probably be said that the way she is connected to the club isn't as an athlete nor trainer but instead the older sister of one of the athletes in the group for which I'm a trainer. Further adding to the possible awkwardness in case things get weird between the two of us is that her - and by extension her little sister's - mother is also a trainer in this same group.

Something else my mind thinks is of note is that the very first interaction we had - waiting by the car for the aforementioned hour-long ride - started with her asking me my age, even before exchanging names which is a little strange. And when it comes to the ages I'd say she would be on the lower end of the age-range I could acceptably date (very aware this thinking isn't doing me any favors), like people out ages can date without it being strange even though I usually find myself being a little less lenient with age-ranges than that due to my usual role as trainer or leader.

Lastly - I think - of note for now is that when I left the club the last time I saw her, at which point we were both aware we would be unlikely to meet again for quite a while there was this moment of prolonged eye contact during which my mind read hesitation of her expression. Like we were both quietly hoping the other would propose we exchange numbers or something, though this could veeeery well be my mind running with the smallest of barely-hint.

At this point I've had to accept that I likely won't see her again for many months unless she shows up with her sister and mother to a training which would be the very first time she has done so since I started there. To be frank I hope she does but I also think I'm sort of silly for thinking those thoughts.

Thus concludes my ramblings for the moment. I'm losing my mind a little but at the same time feeling very alive.

[variabels]

end of year asks no.15

What’s a bad habit you picked up this year?

Buying too much manga in a very small amount of time. Blame Bluelock for that.

For the specific story behind it that no one is interested in:

So, this year, I got really into BSD. To avoid buying all 20 volumes available at the time, I gave myself a rule to only buy the ones with Chuuya and Fyodor on the cover before being able to buy more. It was a great way to limit my spending.

I threw all of that out of the window when I got into Bluelock.

There really wasn't any reason for me to buy 6 volumes of Bluelock the first time I went to a bookstore after catching up to the manga. I could have just bought the box with the first 3 volumes and then once I was done with rereading them, buy the next three. But no, I needed the 5th volume too cuz it had Nagi on the cover and he's my absolute fav. Then I felt bad about skipping volume 4 cuz it has Kunigami on it so I got it too. And then I felt bad about leaving Rin on volume 6 alone so I got it too.

In the next two weeks, I ended up getting the other 4 available volumes at the time cuz I already owned most of the series, so I might as well just get them all to be up to date with the french releases.

It's a popular series here, it's always in stock and even gets its own little shelf thing in some stores. The only thing not in stock is the limited edition of volume 11 which is already sold out in most places, thankfully my brother got it for me. But I really could have taken my time collecting the series.

I thankfully do actually read manga I buy now, but I'm still only on volume 4 of my Bluelock reread. Mainly cuz I also bought a shit ton of other manga in December and yesterday that I haven't read before like Blue Period and Hanako-Kun just to name a few, so I prioritize those ones over Bluelock which I've already read.

But let's just say my manga collection went from 4 mangas at the beginning of the year to 49 mangas atm.

Anyways, shout out to the bookstore for not having volume 2 of Kuroko no Basket so I ended up only buying the first volume and not the first 10.

The one good thing my manga spree brought me is motivating me into cleaning up my shelves. I really have to find a way better way to organize them tho.

My spree will hopefully slow down once uni starts again and after my next trip to Paris cuz I always buy manga to read on the TGV.

[bloom-ribbon22]

(reblogging this because I don't think I ever reblogged a post before, also because there's a number of text limit with the messages so I gotta rely on with reblogs) Alright after reading, I totally agree with this post so much because it actually opened my eyes, no seriously, it did..and now I'm gonna get this off of my chest

Reading this, I feel really guilty that I'm one of the people that kinda gives too much love to the villains of this show, D-Structs and Skrap-itt especially

I really love Skrap-itt and this is mostly because I relate to him on a, like, personal level but I would be lying if I said Skrap-itt is.. let's just say... "a good guy who's just too stupid to realise what he's doing is wrong"

He did a few bad things as well, I guess the reason why some people(myself included..) keep forgetting he's a bad guy too is because he suffers a lot throughout the show, most characters that are often treated as a punching bag/suffers so much are often liked and sympathised by a lot of fandoms

This is going to sound pretty weird but he's sort of like Squidward, he's often being thrown around here and there and has a terrible boss the difference is that Squidward isn't like, fully evil(he does show his more nicer side but only in the earlier seasons..he doesn't seem to have it anymore in the newer ones but I haven't watched the modern seasons in a while so I'm not entirely sure) he's just a guy who wants to be left alone with peace and quiet so it's mainly the reason why everyone really loves him to the point they relate to him too, the two also always suffers a lot from their boss's treatment and their own life as well which is another thing that makes them relatable

and another reason is probably this: while Skrap-itt is evil, some people don't see him as the same level of evil as D-Structs is, because D-Structs is often seen as way more evil and done a lot more awful stuff than Skrap-itt did

the only time I could think of Skrap-itt doing something bad is that my guy tried to scrap a few other trux(Ty, Ton-Ton, other characters and I guess D-Structs too..) and another moment where I could think of him almost successfully taking them down was the episode where Skrap-itt got smart, but after he turns back to his original self he can't remember it anymore so I dunno if it counts, but honestly that's pretty much it, tho He and his intelligence are literally the size of a pebble so not many views him as threatening and also, Skrap-itt is FULLY AWARE of what he's doing and I don't think he regrets any of it (at least to me..) and besides, taking someone apart is obviously not nice so yeah, he's AIN'T innocent, he's a BAD boi.

Next up D-Structs, oh boy..where do I even begin? I will admit, remember that "D-Structs getting a redemption arc AU thingy" post on my old account? I'm gonna scrap(haha) that fanfic lol because looking back at it right now, D-Structs doesn't really deserve it(even if it's just going to be a silly scrapped au of mine) and also I regret making that ending on my fanfic that I posted here because again, he doesn't deserve it cuz like he doesn't show many redeeming qualities and the only genuinely good or at least decent thing he did was putting Skrap-itt on his tread but that's about it, the treatment he gets from the fandom is quite similar, they sympathise with him and often see him as a guy who does bad things because he was hurt by D-Stroy, probably because of the scene where D-Stroy said "you've always been weak" or some shit idk(and also he does mock D-Structs most of the time in the show), so you could say that it is, or at least, *implied* to be true that D-Structs has an awful experience with the guy

But I am going to be really honest and I'll probably get shred to pieces for this but, I honestly don't see D-Structs as a "poor dude who got hurt by his bro" at least not anymore and same thing goes to D-Stroy

Because NOW I see BOTH of them are sorta awful to eachother in their own way and they just see of themselves as the victim in their own perspective, your own sibling leaving you to possibly die under a rubble TWICE is shitty but being a total asshole to your brother is also shitty, tho I will admit, first one feels a bit..way crappier because imagine helping your brother get rid of the T-Trux he despises the most and his build-it-up bunch too(even tho in the final episode, the two were about to get their asses kicked) and your brother pays you by leaving you behind again...BUUUUUUT! we, well specifically *I* don't know much about the two's history with eachother and it was never told if one of them does actually care for eachother(uhh mostly D-Stroy) so I'm not entirely sure if D-Stroy deserves D-Structs abandoning him or nah...and I'm not sure if D-Structs was also a huge asshole to his brother too(well there were times where D-Structs was the one sassing his brother back) or most importantly if they did, at least, used to care for eachother or if they were already evil in the first place(tho, having names like that would *probably* imply the second statement..) so uhh I could be wrong with my little opinion on them..

So final part, I guess it's okay to like a villain without supporting/justifying their actions, painting them as innocent or trying to make up an excuse for them, however I honestly don't really mind people still picturing them like that or making fanfics/AUs having a sad backstory of why they were villains or give them a redemption arc or some stuff idk because I, well at least try not to think about these kind of stuff so what I'm trying to say is uhhhhhh you know what? If it makes you comfortable or you're at least cool with it if not many agrees with it then...you just do you.... ┐⁠(⁠ ⁠˘⁠_⁠˘⁠)⁠┌

(sorry if this was so long, really wanted to get this off of my chest..and I apologize if there was too much "probably", "I guessing", and "at least"ing here and there..)

I never understood why people try so hard to justify the actions of villains, not only in Dinotrux, in many series or movies.

It's like, gurl, liking a character a lot is no reason to make him look like a strawberry shortcake, he's mean and cruel.

I love Skrap-it, but I would never justify the actions he does and the damage he does, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that.

Facts, not opinions

[danses-with-dogmeat]

I love love love how you write! The little details you add into your reacts are amazing <3 I was hoping to ask if you haven't done so yet, what would the romanced companions say in their own version of the "Hi Honey" holo tape? It could be them making their own tape for any reason or to replace the one the SoSu's spouse made becuase it was destroyed or buried with them, it doesnt matter, just thought that would help the angst/comfort factor 😅 have a good day, love <3

Fallout 4 Companions' Versions of the "Hi, Honey" Tape

Okay, I adore this <3

It's a.... bit more angsty than I meant it to be, but it's all happy and fluffy underneath, so, you know... kinda my forte 😅 And also some of them are... more romanced than others, as you'll see, so just a heads up on that. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

Also, I tried kind of a different format for this one, almost like you're reading the subtitles/script for the holotape, so hopefully the unique format makes this one interesting 😁

Oh, and just a quick TW for mention of suicidal thoughts/actions!

Cait:

"Oi, ya fucking-- Does this damn thing even work?"

*exasperated noise*

"Alright. There, I think that's done it."

*muffled adjusting*

"Okay."

*sigh*

"Hey. Sole... I uh, I don't really know how to tell ya everything I'd like to... Before I go through with this, you know. I'm not sure what's goin te happen, but I wanted you to know one thing before I go inte that machine, since... I don't know, I might not come back out as meself. Or, or even at all."

*deep breath*

"I just, in case somethin' happens, I want ya te know..."

(pause)

"I love ya."

*short chuckle*

"I know, sounds strange comin' from me, I'm sure, but... It's the truth. I do, and I have, for a bit, but... I'm not really sure why it took me this long te tell ya. Maybe cuz I was scared. Scared that I'd scare ya away."

*Huff of breath*

"Me? Scared? I know how it sounds, trust me, but it's true. I was... worried about losin' ya. Cuz, truth is, Sole, yer the first person who actually seems to give a damn what happens te me. You know this, I've told ya, I know, but even me own damn parents didn't give a shite about me. An' the ghoul, well, he only ever considered what I could do for him. Knew how to keep me hooked, to keep makin' him money. But you... I had my doubts, I'll be the first to admit, but... You've looked out fer me better than anyone, and you did from the start, with nothin' to gain by doin' so."

(pause)

"I don't know why ye did it. Almost scared me off, the thought of someone bein kind te me fer no reason at all. Thought you were gonna end up worse than all the rest, because there was no way you were just bein' that nice with nothin' te gain from it. But I was wrong. And I've never been so damn glad te be wrong in me whole life."

(pause)

*Deep breath*

"An' I want ye t'know one more thing... I knew about this machine. I knew about it a bit ago. I could've gone with someone else, could've gone on me own, even. Maybe I wouldn't have made it out alive, but it didn't really matter te me at the time. And neither did gettin' clean. I told you I'd been trying to get sober for awhile, but nothin' was workin', and that wasn't a lie, but... Before you, I didn't really want te get clean. There was just..."

(pause)

"There was no point to it. Get clean fer what? I didn't want to feel anythin'. Well, anythin' but the rush of psycho. Couldn't feel anything if I was off it, I was so damn numb to the whole world... But you... you changed that. Somewhere along the way, when I was with you, I felt... somethin' else. I want te feel that again, but I want te feel it all. No psycho, no nothin'. Just you. And I'm hopin' you feel the same, but if you don't... It doesn't matter too much. I just... I wanted you te know."

(pause)

*huff of air*

"So there. I said what I meant to. You heard it. An' whether or not ye feel the same, I... I just hope it means somethin' to ya."

*click*

Curie:

"My love! Look at what I 'ave found! Or... Listen to it, rather."

*giggling*

"But isn't zhis wonderful? I can now tell you 'ow much I love you! Zhough, I do suppose I say it quite often... Still, what better day zhan zhis? I know zhere are many who no longer observe zhis holiday, but it is our first one together and I wanted to do something special. I thought of many possible zhings to gift you, since I feel as zhough I simply could not give you enough!"

*laughter*

"But zhen... I settled on zhis idea... I want you to listen to zhis recording, any time you are not feeling at your best, when I am not around to help you, or whenever else you feel like it, even when I am in zhe room next to you, you will have zhis at your disposal."

"I just want you to know 'ow much I care for you. You are zhe one who saved me, who made me not feel so alone in zhis new world, who helped me not to be afraid. I was afraid, mon amour, you remember. I was afraid to go out on my own, so you stayed close to my side, I was afraid I could never follow my dreams, zhat I could not become who I am today, afraid I would never be able to be with you, to feel all zhat I do when you are near and beside me. I would not be myself without you, I would still be in zhat 'orrible vault, would still be afraid and alone..."

(pause)

"But I am not, and it is thanks to you. You are... zhe most beautiful person I have ever come into contact with. The kindest, the most loving, zhe gentlest, and you are zhe one I love, when I did not know I was capable of such feeling! You made it so, my lovely Sole, and I could not be more grateful to share all zhese new-- all zhese so very human experiences with you. I love you, vers la lune et retour."

*giggles*

"It is amazing zhat I can say such things and mean zhem! I had heard about love, had read about it, and knew of zhe chemicals and such, but to feel it, to say zhese things, to know why I'm saying zhem, who is making me feel zhem, it is a wonderful feeling, mon cheri/e."

(pause)

"Oh!"

*shuffling paper noises*

"And I almost forgot! Comme c'est drôle de moi... I have a poem to read to you! It is one I read from a novel long ago, I had to dig to find it, to make sure it was correct. I did not understand it zhen, not as much as I do now, but now, it is all zhe more beautiful."

*clears throat*

"Je dédie à tes pleurs, à ton sourire,

Mes plus douces pensées,

Celle que je te dis, celles aussi

Qui demeurent imprécisées

Et trop profondes pour les dire"

"I can translate as well! Do not worry! It just sounds so belle en François. What it means is, zhat I dedicate my sweetest thoughts to both your tears and your smiles, all of my thoughts, zhe ones zhat I say to you, and zhe ones I 'ave no words for, zhat are too imprecise. Even zhose thoughts zhat are so deep zhat you cannot say zhem aloud, even zhose go to you, mon amour. I dedicate so much to you, because you 'ave given me so very much since zhe day you and I met. It does seem rather small in comparison, just zhis little poem, after all you 'ave done, but it is zhe truth. I love you so much, my Sole. 'Appy Valentines day."

"Love, Curie."

Danse:

*clears throat*

"I know I'm not very good at these sort of talks in person, and... I'm honestly not sure it'll be any better through this tape. But I feel like I have to try."

"I'm... Well, let me just preface this by saying that I'm sorry for what happened today. You weren't meant to... Well, let's just say that I should've thrown that tape recording away a long time ago. That same day that I recorded it, even. And if it's any consolation, I never paid the contents of it any further mind after our talk at the Bunker. When I think of it now, I..."

*deep sigh*

"Knowing what I do now, what was to come... I can't believe I would've just... Just ended it."

(pause)

"Everything was so jumbled then. After I found out what I was, I felt so lost. My existence, without the Brotherhood, it felt so... purposeless. The words on that tape... they just helped me get everything off my mind. Helped me feel like there was a way out of all that uncertainty, as rash as it may seem in hindsight."

"Then you appeared below the surface. Even with all my defenses... I don't even know why I put them up, if I was just planning to...

*sigh*

"It's not a day I like to remember."

"You are what made it bearable. Not just that day, not just my... whole self discovery, but everything. Without you, I wouldn't have only been dead, but I would have been lost. Everything I truly believe in, all that I've worked for... I felt like less than nothing when it was all stripped away. Along with my identity. My personhood. But these past couple years... you've built me up again. You've made me into something-- someone I can be proud of. Helped me make the difference I thought could only be achieved through the Brotherhood, and I don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you for all that you've given me."

"My life, my belief in myself, the courage to move on when I felt I had nothing, that I was nothing... But I was wrong. I was always wrong. I never had nothing, not even on my darkest days, when I wished beyond reason that I could crawl out of my own synthetic skin. Even on those days, I still had you."

"The day that you confessed your feelings to me was the first day that I began to question a few of the core beliefs of the Brotherhood. With the overwhelming strength and certainty of my own feelings for you, I wondered how the Brotherhood could ever consider me-- my kind, to be soulless abominations. Every day my feelings of fondness for you grow stronger, and every day I stray away from the belief that I'm nothing but a mere machine. I never could've done that without you."

"Ever since the day I met you, I've felt like... somehow, our fates have been tied to one another. Like I was always meant to know you. And it might be strange, to phrase it that way, to think that some... higher power pulled the strings in such a way to ensure our meeting, our friendship, o-our love, but if it hadn't turned out that way... that tape I made would be in the Brotherhood archives, and I would be..."

*exhale*

"I just hope that my presence in your life has yielded even a fraction of the happiness, security and support that you provide me with. If so, it'll all have been worth it."

"I hope what I said on this tape doesn't make you uncomfortable, I-I know the subject matter is quite upsetting, but if I can offer further consolation, the tape in question no longer exists. I erased it, in favor of this message. I thought it would be... symbolic. The way our love for one another, and my dedication to you has erased the negative feelings I had for myself, that almost drove me to complete ruin. I apologize again for what you heard on that tape, and it pains me to know you felt guilt for not being able to do more after my... self discovery. The truth is, Sole, you were the only thing standing between me and the ending that that tape promised for my life, and I could never find a way to thank you for all that you've done for me."

"I love you, Sole. More than I thought could ever be possible, even before finding out that I was a synth."

(pause)

*clears throat*

"Anyway, that was what I felt I had to say. I know it was long winded, and I... well, I never know quite how to end these conversations, but I suppose it's worth saying it again. Thank you, Sole. For giving me my life back. The rest of it belongs to you."

Deacon:

"Csssshhhhk this is your captain speaking, yeah, we're gonna be traveling at around fifty eight thousand feet in a minute here, so just wanted to tell you to get comfortable, drop those trays, get out those peanuts, oxygen masks, space suits, and--"

*muffled laughter*

"No, but anyway... Hey Sole, it's ah, it's me. You're favorite crimefighting deathbunny, and partner in all things inappropriate. I... just wanted to make this... I know we don't have the same type of job security or workers' compensation from before the big booms, so just y'know, like an insurance policy, especially now that there's all this added paperwork with our little developing relationship status, it just felt important, y'know? Another record to dust off one day. And... I wanted to be sure you could always have a way to hear my lovely voice, my bad jokes, my flawless singing, you know, just in case... I know how much you'd miss it."

*sighs*

"Look, I... I know it hasn't always been easy, everything you've been through, to add all my problems to the pile. The trust issues, the compulsive lying, those pesky little intimacy problems that make things extra fun, and... I could go on, but I'm afraid the tape would run out of space."

"I guess, what I'm trying to say is... Thanks. Sole. You're everything I needed and never deserved or expected. I had this plan, this idea of what the rest of my life would be like, and you just--"

*breaks into laughter*

"You just waltzed right into those catacombs and blew those ideas to smithereens. Shot 'em down with your charm and your selflessness and good looks, and man... I didn't stand a chance. I can't believe you chose me. You coulda had anybody. Even Carrington, if you kept at it, but you chose to love me, even with how... difficult it must've been-- must be..."

"I still don't know why you did it, but I've never been more grateful in my life. You're my partner in crime, my fellow deathbunny, my bestie, and now you're my husband/wife?! ... It's crazy. Crazy awesome, and I... I never thought I'd tread that kind of path again, not with anyone, and I wouldn't have... if it weren't for you."

"Ahh, you. You're just... The best, and I love you. I know I don't say it enough, and when I do, I don't sound serious. But no matter how uncomfy it makes me feel to say it aloud, it's true. I love you, Sole."

(pause)

"But alright, bestie, I've gotta go. I'm about to have the best sleepover of my life, with this awesome person, I'm sure you know them, and I'm really feeling like I'm gonna get lucky. You can't see it, but I just winked at you. Anyways, wish me luck, and I'll... I'll see you in the field."

"Deathbunny out."

Gage:

“Hiya there boss… It’s…”

*under his breath* “I hope this damn thing is even recording.”

*snorts*

 “But, it’s me. Jus’ wanted to say some stuff…"

*sighs*

“Look, it’s tough for me, I’m sure you know it more than most, but, it’s tough for me to reach out like this. I never… Well, you know this too Sole, but, I never done this sorta thing before. With the relationship and the… I don’t know, man, the arguments. Before, well, fights like this usually meant the end of things, but you said that ain’t how it’s supposed to be. We’re supposed to work through this shit, somehow, and so I… I guess I figured I’d start with this.” 

*deep breath*

“I’m sorry. Sole. There, okay? I’m sorry for bein’ an asshole, for not givin’ you enough credit, not remembering that yer new to this whole raider thing, this whole Overboss thing. And that… well, you’ve probably never been with someone like me before. I sure as hell’ve never been with somebody like you, but… What can I say? It’s hard to find folks like you out here anyhow. You’re your own breed, boss. And that’s far from a bad thing. Jus’... Well, you know me. If you’re your own breed, I’m a goddamn mutt. I’m rough around the edges, not used to tryin’ to make things work. I’ve solved a hell of a lot more problems with my knife than I have with my words, but… I wanna… Well, I wanna make things work this time ‘round, boss… Sole… I mean, you know how I feel about ya, and I… I ain’t never had anything like this, and I just don’t know how I got along so long without you, cuz… Well, Sole, cuz you just make everything better.”

(pause)

“I mean… my life’s not worth a whole lot, that ain’t no mystery or nothin’, but when yer in it… It feels like somethin’ worth having. Not like the rest of my life, oh… stumblin’ around looking for scraps of quick fixes that could make me forget how little my life really means, but… having something worth holding onto, worth bein’ around for… that’s what it’s like with you.”

*dry chuckle*

“And to think, I was stupid enough to think that one little argument was worth losing all this over. Worth losing the only thing in my life that really makes it worthwhile. Cuz that’s what you are, baby. That’s what you are to me. Even though I don’t say it a whole lot… It don’t mean that I… That I don’t mean it, you know?”

*sigh*

“I can’t be the easiest to get along with, I’m sure. I’m so damn hard-headed most of the time, and I always act like I know what I’m talking about, which… Well, you know that usually ain’t the truth.”

*chuckles*

“But somehow you got the patience for all this. All my shit. And… I may not always be the sharpest knife in the drawer, or whatever the saying is, but I know what I got with you. I know what you’re worth, baby, and it’s more than I got, and I know you bein’ with me at all is a charity, but… Well dammit, I hope I got some worth to you too, cuz I just… I need you now, Sole. I wanna be worth the headache and the patience, and I wanna work through the fights and learn how to make it up to you. I never had this before… I never felt this way about no one. I don’t wanna lose it. I can’t… lose you. Things jus’, well, they just wouldn’t be the same…” 

*deep sigh*

“I know I’m going ‘round in circles a bit here, but you know apologies ain’t really my strong suit. An’ neither is all this mushy stuff, but I’m trying all right? I’m trying for you. And I’m gonna keep on doing that until you tell me you can’t stand it no more. It’s just the kinda reckless, hard-headed, stubborn fool I am, Sole. Gonna keep telling you how you changed it all for me, how you’re so damn incredible it makes my chest hurt, how I… Well dammit. Guess I’ve gotta say it now, huh? Look, there. You did it boss, you got it out of me. Damn near slipped out before I could even catch it too. Nasty little words, but… It’s never been truer. I love you Sole.”

(pause)

*comical sigh*

“And while we’re at it, might as well say I’m sorry again, too. There. You got both outta me. Got it all. There’s nothing left for you to take, baby, all my cards just out on the table like that and I forgot how to fucking bluff.” 

*soft chuckle*

“Nah, but… I mean it, Sole. I ain’t nothin’ without you. Next time we fight, just pull this shit outta your pocket and I’ll shut right up, I promise. And… If I’m ever not sayin’ all that… All that I should, if I’m being an ass like I do sometimes, just listen to this while I’m off sulkin’ somewhere. Cuz it’s true. It’s all true, and no amount of me bein’ pissy or stubborn is gonna change that... Is gonna change the fact that… Well, dammit, I do, I love you, Sole.”

(pause)

“Greedy bastard, you’ve gotten it outta me twice now, so you should be all caught up for awhile… Just don’t use it against me too often, okay? Don’t abuse this shit, or you definitely ain’t gonna hear it as much, I’ll tell ya that.”

*chuckles*

 “Alright, don’t know when this thing is gonna run outta tape, but it’s bound to be close. I’ll, ah, I’ll see ya soon, baby.”

*click*

Hancock:

"Heya, Sunshine. It's, ah, it's me. I know it hasn't been all that long since we've seen each other, and I know you're busy. Hard being the hero all the time, hard being the best person there is in the Commonwealth, I get it. But I wanted to tell ya, that... I miss you. I miss you when we're not together, from the moment I see you leave through the Goodneighbor gate, I'm already turning to tell you how much I'm gonna miss you, before I realize that you're gone. That's how bad it is, sweetheart, I-I talk to you even when you're not here."

*chuckles*

"Maybe it's cuz I'm a little nuts, or something, I don't know. Either way though, when I'm alone like this, jus'... thinking about you, I wish I had a way to hear that pretty voice o' yours. So, I thought we could make somethin' like this. Just a reminder, that I'm thinkin' about ya, I'm wishin' you were here, even though I know it's important that you're away."

*sighs*

"Still doesn't change that I want you back here by my side. Or to be out there with you. Kickin' ass. Making a difference. Watchin' you in action, if you know what I mean, heh. Yeah."

(pause)

"Damn this hurts. I get it. I do. I know you have to be out there. I know I can't go everywhere with you all the time, an' I don't mean to make you feel bad, baby, not at all. Jus' want you to know. Know how much it affects me when you're not here."

*sniffles*

*forced chuckle*

"Fahrenheit even notices. Says I'm no fun when you're not around anymore. She's had to drag me outta bed a few times this week... Yeah."

*shaky breath*

"Sorry 'bout this, Sunshine. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense. Brain's kinda foggy right now. I don't mean to make ya feel bad, you know? Jus'... just wanted you to know."

(pause)

"Shit, already said that, huh? Damn, it's just, it's true. I miss you, I love you, baby, and I want you with me all the time."

*muffled* "Oh Jesus. What are you doing?"

"Nothin,' Fare, go on."

*Fahrenheit* "Who are you talking to?"

"Sole. Now go on. Not done yet."

*Fahrenheit* "Sole? Hancock, Sole's not--"

"I know. Leaving a message for 'em. When they are here."

*sigh*

*door closing*

"Jesus. See? Goin' crazy over here, with her hoverin' over me. Need you, baby."

"Now... what was I sayin'?"

*laughter*

"Sorry it's so all over the place. This is what you do to me."

*a breath*

"There's just one thing I'm gonna ask from you, baby. You can go, I know you've gotta sometimes, just... come back. Alright, Sunshine? Come back to me. Do what you gotta do, but just know, now, that I've got you. You're part of the package. The coat, the hat, my whole look, the talk, my title, everything that makes me, me, now you're in that. I can't--"

*sniffles*

"I can't be without ya. Not for good, ya hear? So all I gotta know, is that you're gonna come back to me. Just... Try and think about that when you're out there on your own. Don't take the risk if you don't have to. You're good, baby. The most selfless person I ever met, and I love that about you, but... don't make the sacrifice, okay? I know I'm bein' selfish, but I ain't a saint like you, so I'd say it's pretty on-brand."

*soft chuckle*

"Just don't... Jus' come back to me. That's all I'm saying. It's all I need, okay, baby? Just need you..."

*sigh*

"Think I should probably let you go now, huh? So you can get back to bein' a badass, an' all that. Just one more thing though, before you set this tape aside... I love you, Sole. Just need you to know that, if you haven't listened to anything else on this tape, just know that. I love you, and... I'll see you soon."

MacCready:

"Geeze I hope this thing works..."

*fiddling noises*

"How do you even know if it's recording? Is that...? Hmm."

(pause)

"Okay. Well, here goes nothing."

*Clears throat*

"Hey, Sole. I, ah, I hope this works, because I've got a few things I wanted to... um, say. Wow, geeze, really off to a good start here, huh? I just hope this dang thing is even recording."

*chuckle*

"But if it is... Well, I just wanted to say... thanks."

*soft sigh*

"Truth is, I wouldn't even be doing this if it weren't for you. Maybe one day, yeah, it was always the plan to go back to Duncan, to be with him, but... I never thought I'd be bringing him back to a family. It was... one of the reasons I think I was putting it off. I mean, what do I have to offer? As a dad I-I'm doing my best, but... Is it enough? Will he be lonely with just me? Can I look after him as well as I want to, as well as he deserves? Is he going to be happy, with just me? And maybe he was, and I worried for nothing, but... With you, the decision was so much easier. And..."

*deep breath*

"Well, without your help, I... I might not even have been able to ask those questions. Duncan might not have... You know."

(pause)

"But you helped me. Even when you barely even knew me."

*laughter*

"I didn't think there was anyone like you out there, who would just help me, and not expect anything in return, I didn't think I'd ever find someone out there worthwhile. I mean, after the Gunners, well, they made it hard to see the good in the world, and even when I met you, I know I was... Well, I was a bit of an ass, huh?"

*chuckles*

"But that didn't seem to phase you. No... I don't think anything I could've done would have scared you away for good, once you saw how badly I needed you."

"And that's why I love you so much, Sole. You put other people before you, and you don't expect a damn thing in return, and it's so... Gosh, it's so weird that you do that, I've never met anyone like that, and I've never met anyone like you, and I didn't think, honestly... I never thought I'd be able to fall for someone again, after everything, but... I never saw you coming. And I mean... I'm a sniper. So I've got good eyes, you know."

*breaks into laughter*

"Sorry for that one. Sort of. But I can see that face, without you even being here, I can see that amused but... disappointed look you give me when I make those bad jokes. Those 'dad jokes' as you call them."

*more chuckling*

"I love you so much, baby. I didn't think I'd ever be able to say those words again. To say those words and-and mean them, but I can. And... I know you felt the same way, about loving again, after everything you've lost, but... I'm glad you found me. In that dingy old underground bar, where I almost got my butt whooped by those Gunner clowns, where I was spending all my hard-earned caps trying to drown out my problems... You pulled me out of that, and probably saved my life... No, you did save it, cuz without you, if I'd lost Duncan too, I just... Yeah, I wouldn't have been able to go on much longer if I didn't have him. If I didn't have you."

*sniffs*

"But he's going to be..."

*laughs*

"Just so excited to meet you, I mean, I've told you about him, he's just so adventurous and playful, and even when he couldn't talk at all, he loved meeting new people, and he's- god, he's gonna love you. And I'm gonna have my work cut out for me, cuz, I mean... you think I'm cute? Just wait, I mean, I'm never gonna see you again, you're just gonna want to run off with him and leave me behind, I mean-- his eyes, Sole, they're so blue, and his little cheeks, and gosh, there's nothing I love more than him... than you, too, and the thought of you two together? Heck, I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself, I'm not going to be able to handle it all. To handle... for the first time in so long, being actually... happy. Being part of a family again..."

*exhale*

"You know... I think you know that it... It makes me nervous. To be so happy. To have so much to lose, but... I know that you know what that's like. And I just- I just can't wait for us all to be a part of it. No matter how scary it is, or how strange it'll feel to have it again, to have a family, but have it be different, but... I'm so glad it's with you. And I just... I can't wait to see you, baby. Can't wait for you to see him."

*a breath*

"Just promise me... promise me you won't... leave."

*sniffs*

"...That you won't run off with Duncan and leave me behind. I promise, there's enough of him for both of us i-if we ration, you know?"

*teary laughter*

"We can share him, just... Just stay safe, for me, Sole, okay? I don't want-- I can't lose... I just... can't do this alone."

*deep breath*

"But, ah, anyway, I'll see you soon, okay Sole? I'll see you when I-- when we get back. I love you, and the next time we're together... we'll be a proper family."

Nick:

"Hey there, Sole. It's ah, it's your Nick here. Just wanted to make somethin' for ya, to help get you through these next few... days, maybe. I know this isn't gonna be easy, but I want you to know, I'm proud of you. You did it. You made it where no one thought you ever could, and hopefully, it pays off."

*low sigh*

"God, I hope it does. If there's anyone out there who deserves it, it's you. But we both know it doesn't always work that way..."

*exhale*

"No matter what happens in there though, I'm here for you. Always, alright? I don't mean that lightly, Sole. I've helped you come this far... even when it really didn't seem like you needed my help."

*chuckle*

"I mean it was you who saved me first, right?"

*more laughter*

*small sigh*

"Anyway, guess what I'm really saying here, Sole, is that... I want it to go right. I want you to find your boy, I want you, more than anything, to be happy. You've been through so much, more than anyone should have to go through, and I want you to be able to rest, to have the family you wanted, that you deserve, or, part of that family, at least. You're one of the best damn people I've met in all my years, and no matter how this all goes, I'll be by your side to help you face it."

(pause)

"You know... I'm not really sure why you picked me, if I'm honest, Sole. I'm just a rusty old synth, but... I'm a rusty old synth who's... in love with you. Who wants, more than most anything, for you to just be happy. And if I can have some part in making that happen, well, then I guess I shouldn't really question it, huh? But who am I kidding? I'm a detective, it's in my nature to question unlikely things."

*small chuckle*

"Well, guess I've rambled on here quite a bit, but I wanted you to have something. For when you're in there, so you remember that you're not alone. You've got good friends out here, so many people who care about you, who are rootin' for ya. Me, most of all. No matter what happens, we're all proud of how far you've come. No one even thought this would be possible, but since the day I met you, I've been realizing that the word 'impossible' really isn't in your vocabulary, huh? Who would've thought some pre-war vaulty would get as far as you did? Well, you did, and you really showed anyone who thought differently. It's one of the, oh, couple dozen or so things I love about you, darling. You always show those that need showing, always right the wrongs around you, even when some would argue it ain't your business. But you show those folks too, don't ya?"

*chuckles*

"You're just a whole lotta something, there, Sole. I never met anyone like ya, and there's no one else I could think of who could get through everything you've survived. You'll get through this too, I know it. And... I don't know, maybe I'm just losin' a few screws or something, but I believe you're gonna find your boy in there... But no matter what happens in the Institute, just know you got people out here waitin' for ya. Wishin' ya the best. Wishin' for ya to make it back home to us. We all love ya, Sole. And me? I love ya most of all."

"Yours, Nick."

Piper:

"Come on, come onnnn."

*Nat speaking indiscernably*

"That did it? You think?"

*Nat* "Yes."

"Oh. Okay. Geesh, this is why I just wanted to write a letter or something, but Nat said I should... cuz of the tape that you lost, and what it meant to you, and hearing my voice and-- Geeze, already rambling. So unlike me, huh?"

*laughter*

"Uh, anyways, um... Hey. Blue."

*more laughter*

"Who let me do this? This is awful. I wanna just talk straight to you, you know? See that cute little face of yours, that embarrassed smile with the way your eyes crinkle. The face you're probably making right now. Eh? Did I getcha? Are you making that face? Bet you are."

*giggling*

"I guess I know you pretty well by now, huh? Four years, Blue. Four! I don't know how I've put up with you all that time, but also, I... I don't really know what I would've done without you. That day we met... I think back on it all the time. How perfect everything had to be for us to meet like that, to get that great first impression. It always makes me laugh, the way we still give Danny a hard time about it, blaming him whenever we have those silly little arguments, just so we can't blame each other. I wonder if other couples do that? If they have a sort of scapegoat for their silly little..."

(pause)

"Okay, yeah, getting off topic. The reason I made this, well, this tape recording, that I wanted to be a note, that I probably could've just said straight to your face, was so I could just say... thanks. I know I tell you a lot how much you mean to me, but, I also think you always need to hear it. You've been through so much, lived through multiple lifetimes... you really were-- and are, the story of the century, Blue. You're incredible, and strong, and goofy, and absolutely adorable, if I do say so myself."

*giggles*

"Ahem, anyways, um... Where was I?... Oh! Yeah, you're..."

*quick breath*

"You're a great leader, and you could do anything you set your mind to, I mean really, once you've lived over two hundred years, learned how to fight giant monster lizards, how to cure super mutants, travel through someone's brain, and even teleport, I think the sky is hardly the limit."

*more soft laughter*

"Yeah... I knew I'd get just a little off topic, but when it all comes down to it, there's really only one thing you need to know, Blue."

"I love you. And I'm so grateful to have you in my life and as my partner in everything, and though these past few years have been like... the best of my life, I think the future holds a lot for us. Keep being strong, keep being you, and I'll be right here, cheering you on, loving you. Like I have from the start."

(pause)

"Oh, and Nat'll be here too. Rolling her eyes. Scrunching her face when we kiss in front of her and pretending to barf, but... she'll be loving you too. Won't you, sis?"

*Noncommittal noise*

"See? She agrees. Love ya, Blue. See you soon."

(pause)

*whispered* "Which one do I press to stop it? Which one? Oh. Oh, okay, I see--"

*click*

Preston:

"Sole? Hey. It's Preston."

*light chuckle*

"But you could probably guess that, huh? Yeah, well, I just wanted to say a few things. So you have them, so we do, for later, and everything... I'm just... Where to even start with you?"

*a breath*

"You're just... so amazing. You have been, since the day I met you, and every day since. You've taken everything the Commonwealth throws at you, and you've turned it into something beautiful. Something we can help grow, help to make this world a better place. And... you've given me hope."

*light laughter*

"It sounds so simplified when I put it like that, but it's not."

*soft sigh*

"I had no hope, before I met you. It was gone, and I just felt... hollow, but now I see all of the amazing possibilities for the world, for you and me, and the Minutemen. I never would've made it this far without you, and what we're doing now? This big adventure we're taking together? I know... I know you've been there before. That you... had a family before, and I know the way it turned out, and I can't imagine how difficult it is to look past that, and to try again. But... I want you to know I'm here for you. I always will be, just like you were there for me, when I needed you most."

"I want this for us, and you're... God, Sole, you're just so strong to want this too, so brave, and selfless, and-- and you just see the possibilities in life and you go for them, and I love that about you."

"Even just saying all this, it has me smiling from ear to ear. Just thinking about you does that to me, babe. I couldn't tell you the last time I smiled like this before I met you. I don't think I even could, to tell you the truth, but now... I mean, my cheeks hurt. Just thinking about seeing you after this mission, thinking about our talk, about us... settling down... Yeah, it's gonna be tough. Like you said, it's hard to get me to stay in one place, but you like to wander a whole lot too, you know."

*laughing*

"But I don't think I've been more ready, more excited for anything in my life. I love you so much, I almost can't believe it sometimes, but then I see you, and I... Well, I can believe it, because you're just that good. That perfect, that kind and loving, and selfless, and I just can't believe that out of all the other people in this world, I was lucky enough to meet you, and somehow, you wanted to be with me too."

(pause)

"I think I might've told you this already. At least once, but just in case, I'm gonna tell you again... Sole. I loved you from the moment I saw you. I... I couldn't believe it."

*laughter*

"I thought it was crazy, thought I lost my mind or something, but it was true. As soon as you came into my life, I was ready to pledge mine to you. I-I was in love. And as unbelievable as it seemed at the time, so soon after meeting you, that's never changed. And I'm betting that it never will."

"I love you, Sole. So much, and I can't wait to see you back here, and I can't wait to make that pledge all over again, can't wait to start our family, and... And god, I'm so excited to see you, I can't even sit still, I just--"

*muffled voice*

"What? Now?"

*sound of confirmation*

"Already? But I thought--"

*Annoyed sound getting further away*

"No, hold on, I'm coming!"

"Sturges says you're here."

"You're... you're home. You're home early..."

*disbelieving laughter*

"I'm gonna go and see you. Now. Right now, I've gotta--"

*muffled rustling noise*

"I'm gonna go. Sort of. I love you Sole, see you soon!"

X6-88:

"Sole... Ma'am/Sir. This is X6-88. I..."

*small sigh*

"I would like to extend my condolences to you. Your son... I wish you could have known him as I did. As so many of us did, as you never had the chance to. It is unfortunate, but... What I said, before, when I told you that I believe in you... It was not a lie, sir/ma'am. I do believe, fully, that you are meant to take his place, that you will do incredible things for The Institute."

"To be honest, I'm not sure why I felt the urge to record this message for you, but... Perhaps it's because I feel... that you should be able to hear this, to listen to this tape if ever you feel... inadequate, or... alone. You are neither, sir/ma'am, I assure you."

(pause)

"And I also... I know what it's like. To feel that way."

"Perfection is something that's required in every unit that is created to be a courser. It's something hardwired into us, and so is our aptitude for solitude, and yet... Either there is great fault with my programming, or you were enough to bypass all of it altogether. I've never felt less... Well, perhaps not less perfect, but I've never felt... more..."

*quietly*

"Human, than when I'm with you."

"It is not by my own conscious decision, but all of my defenses seem to lower when you are at my side. I've spoken so outwardly with you, I've... laughed, which is something I never knew I was capable of doing. I've come to despise being alone completely. Or... perhaps not alone, but more... without you. It makes my chest feel tight, and my thoughts wander to your safety whenever I'm not by your side. I'm not... I'm not quite sure why I feel so differently about you than I do anyone else I've met, why you elicit these reactions and thoughts, but I do know that they are enough for me to believe you are... exceptional."

*soft exhale*

"There is no one more capable, or better suited to leading us. No one who has had the influence over me that you do. Not Ayo, not Father, not even the... infuriatingly endearing young Shaun."

*short laugh*

"None of them... and yet you, from the beginning, have surprised me. Your prowess in combat, your amusing commentary, your strange empathy and searing wit... It all took me by surprise. Which isn't easy, I'll have you know. I'm a courser after all."

*muted chuckle*

(pause)

"I'm a courser... And yet, you've always treated me like an... an equal. Not a machine, or a weapon, not something to fear or to order around without regard for my own preferences, my own... conscience. It's something I never thought that I would find to be a virtue. Not something that's ever mattered to me, and yet, now... Now anyone who's not you, everyone here who disregards me the way they always have... It tries my patience."

(pause)

"I blame you, for that, sir/ma'am. But also I'm... Thankful to you. I'm... glad I've been able to accompany you in your travels, that I've been able to guide you in your new time in this world, I feel privileged that I've been able to witness your transformation, that I've gotten to know you, after all this time, and I... I want you to know that I'm here for you. Now, as you grieve the loss of your son, and in the future, as you take on your new responsibilities as the leader of The Institute. I will be here, by your side. To protect you, to help you, to amuse you, even, if that's what you require from me, since I often seem to do so without realizing it."

*soft exhale*

"I want the best for you, Sole. I want you to feel safe, I want you to be... happy. It's not something I'm used to... wanting these things for another, but as always, you are the exception. If you need anything from me, if you want anything, I will be here. For you, Sole."

"Sincerely, X6."