flames-memory

[flames-memory]

I keep wondering.. do I want to be that girl, and go look at dresses and have a whole.. THING.. and need bridesmaids and shit?

I mean.. beyond the little talk with Mark about someone giving me away..

Raz said we can use Longhouse already.. he's such a sweetheart. Who woulda guessed? I suppose we'll do something quiet.. a tiny private party.

I'd like to ask Sami to DJ. He's been SO supportive of Max and I.

Hmm.. maybe it WILL be a little party. I feel so alone sometimes.. but we have friends.. there are people I'd like to have there.

Besides Max, ha!

[flames-memory]

My life is the strangest arc

I was sorry of numb, for so long. Grey and lonely, them quiet and obedient, them angry and hateful.

Them BC and it was all love and happiness and I forgot how to be angry.

When things started feeling dark again, I finally had something to compare. I knew happy, and I could finally understand despair.

Not has been keeping me company, while Max is away. Now we both miss him, lol.

[flames-memory]

It's been two weeks.

Two weeks since he asked, two weeks since I said yes..

and he had to go. And now it's been two weeks since I kissed him, and I think I'mma die before he ever makes it home.

This is the hardest thing.. I know he's ok.. he's been able to let me know that much. But I miss him so much, it's hard to care about anything else.

[flames-memory]

It's been a quiet week. I miss Max so much.

Especially after friday! What timing!

I'm so happy... so much I never thought my life was going to be. So much I never thought I even wanted.

But then he showed up, and while I struggled and stressed, he just stayed by my side, being supportive and understanding. When I felt like my world was falling apart, he was still there, strong and stable and happy to have even a few moments, if that was all he would ever have.

He didn't ask for more, he offered me everything. Without even saying it, he just.. built it.. and then was like.. "Here I am." with a home and love and everything....

It's hard to explain, but I think I kind of understand.

One person.. loving many. That's an easy position to understand. Many people loving one person, also easy to understand. but the math DOES math. You have 100% going from many to one, adding all together in one place. The other direction, you're splitting up the one person, and even if the love they feel for each person is the same strength, it's still broken up and diluted. It just IS. I know, because I've been there. It almost worked, feeling like, for the moments that were mine, she was mine. All mine. And that almost felt equal.

But to lose those moments.. to give them up made me feel so empty. I knew that I needed more than that. I needed to feel as important to her as she was to me, and while she loved me, she couldn't give me that. She couldn't love me alone, she always needed more.

Now.. now.. I love him, 100%, he loves me, 100%, and it's equal and it feels right and full and.. like all I need. I don't need to go find connections with others.. not like that. Even all this week alone, missing him.. I don't want anyone else. I only want Max.

I hope that makes him feel the same way he makes me feel.

Oh. Right. I guess he does, huh?

[flames-memory]

Such a nice night. Missed him so much, it was nice just to be close and tell him how much I love him, and hear him say it to me.

I'm stunned. Twice the concept is lips all over someone's body came up, and not once did he imply you know what. Like he's too distracted thinking about kissing me to think about how much I want to kiss him.

[flames-memory]

Not... My fairy godmonster

He likes the little alley outside where scorch is going to be. Funny. He says it's like "the old days"...

Him and I. What I get from him, these sort of vague images, it echoes in me. Like there's a faint answering memory there that I can't access directly.

The emotions come through stronger. He kept me safe, from people that wanted to hurt me, and in return kept those people and more safe from me. In those memories... It's as if I'm made of ashes, about to collapse and blow away in the wind.

I'm not sure if I need to remember it, or understand it. I feel more like understanding is more important.

[flames-memory]

He mentioned needing to make a trip to the jewelry store, if we were going to finish the list..

Said he wouldn't dare ask for "butt stuff" without putting a ring on it first.

WHOEVENISHEOMG

I'm.. shocked? Confused? Excited?

I love him.. and he loves me. It sounds so simple in words, but it's so.. so much more. I never actually thought I'd be a wife. I certainly assumed never a mother. Now I'm looking at a future that could contain one.. or both.

and the thought of that.. with Max.. actually makes me feel so happy. It's a life I never thought I could ever have, not before the labs, and most certainly not after... I'm.. not what I thought I was.

I'm not what they tried to make me into. Max lets me be.. me. Helps me be me. I hope I do as much for him.

[flames-memory]

Busy few days. Max came home and surprised me. I liked it. That shouldn't surprise me, but how much I liked it surprised me.

It's embarrassing how much I want him, but he doesn't make me feel bad for it, I guess that makes sense, too.

I can't escape the memories of what I was. I don't think he sees that. He sees me. Loves me. How crazy is that?? I think he loves me the same way I love him.

I'm scared of losing it all, I've never had so much.

[flames-memory]

So much to add..

we ate Chinese, and called Not.

He came, and met Max outside. Max set him free when he was a baby, alright. not a baby HUMAN was the confusion, he's not.

Max seems to trust him. He said Not was with me during The Blur. After the lab, the destruction... Not was with me.

Max said he saw them hurting him, heard him crying I pain, so he put him in the vents, so he could escape. And he did! And grew up big and strong, according to Max.

His grin when he said that. He worried about the little creature, wondered if he'd survived.

Not was so tired after. I didn't go, it felt like Not was nervous, so, didn't wanna overload him or scare him off.

Did some work with Helga. Profitable!!!!!

Good weekend. Time with Max, got to sit with him while he went to sleep, his head in my lap, stroking his hair. Feeling his breath slow. I love him so much. It's been fun having dinner ready for him... am I pretending to be domestic? Or is this just life? Feels like playacting, cuz real life could never be so perfect.

[flames-memory]

omg

I surprised Max. Made him fried chicken, biscuits and a cheesecake! Ok, there was supposed to be vegetables and mashed potatoes, but I messed up on the time. Max came home, and loved it! We ate and talked, and shared cheesecake on the couch by the TV.

I was very happy. Hard to leave that to go to work.

Today, he came home to pizza but we never made it off the couch. There's no metaphor good enough to explain how he makes me feel...

Loved, wanted, desperate, hungry, needy, dizzy, my heart races and I can barely breath, and I want every part of me touching every part of him.

I hope he feels the same... I think he does. We seemed so perfectly matched, in such good sync, I imagine he must. Heh.... weekending early..

Almost didn't talk about Not, but I did remember. He doesn't remember saving any babies.

I told him I'd ask Not to meet us, or one of us. It's been busy tonight...

it feels like a rustle in the undergrowth. Like something hunting, but not hunting me.

He thinks we'll be afraid if we see him.

That's silly, have you seen my friends? Meet us..me..or Max. Please.

I'd take a maybe for now. Tomorrow, maybe, please?

[flames-memory]

We need to talk about the arm cuff.

I'm aware it was something between a ring and a collar. Not sure if she thought of that, or it just coincidence. It was a perfect choice.

I loved it.. so much. I never wanted to take it off...

Wasn't my choice; I still don't know how it happened. I had to pick little pieces of jade out of our bed... I didn't tell Max exactly what happened. I should have taken it off and given it back.. It's a nice bed, there's nothing there that should have been able to cause it.

I woke up with it in shattered pieces. I collected them all up and put them in a special bag. It's supposed to isolate whatever's in it. I hid the bag.. NOT in our apartment.

Why would it shatter like that...the timing bothers me. I'm keeping it well away from us and our home. If possible... I'm sending it to the old beach house. Away from us.

-~-~-~-~-`~

Cuddling at Stardancers was so nice. Having a little drink, listening to the music. But next time, we meet at home. I always preferred going out.

Suddenly it does't seem so important not to miss anything. A night with Max is all I really need...or want, sometimes. I would have loved his description of a night, sitting on the couch in front of that giant TV, his head in my lap, arms around my waist while we watch a movie, stroking his hair and just... loving each other and being together, feeling that home feeling. he's my family. Like BC should be. My extended family could have been, big sister Faye, and Proud notMomma BC. Uncle Mark and Uncle Seb.... cute cousin Andres..Auntie Eliza, if she ever got her shit together.

Instead I still have Max, and Uncle Mark and Andres. Dom and Seb and Aurrius. And Faye. My sort of family. I love them very much.. they probably don't know it. They've all been kind to me, and treat me like I have value of my own. For that alone, I would love them. They are also wonderful on their own, making it very easy.

[flames-memory]

We had a lovely weekend.

Saw BC at Longhouse it was fine. I had the same damn heart attack I always have when I see her.

Can't wait for that to fade.

Max and I danced, and I won fourth place I their costume contest!! I was going for American Viking, y'know, cuz they found it first and stuff, plus, Longhouse is vikings.

Yay me

We talked about Not. Max says maybe. He hasn't heard words, exactly, but he feels something. I'm starting to think it's linking us together, cuz today, I was having nightmares, while Max was out working. He said he felt something ominous, scary, just how my dreams felt. Soon as he said, my dream came flooding back.

I need to try to contact Not tonight.

....are you there? Not??

............

Damnit you are such a dick sometimes. Where are you now? Did you give me nightmares last night??

Oh....hi. No? Well, thank you. Please... you know Max?

Yes? Ok. Good how?

Freed you... he set you free? When were you captured Not? Baby??? When you... right.

How do you know me? I don't remember... 'after'?? After WHAT?? He sounds so tired. 'After they hurt me.'

He means the labs, I can feel it behind the words. I don't remember what he means... I remember fire, wreckage, burned bodies, I remember walking out of it... into a blur... Then the hotel and nightmares, and then I was living in other people's houses.... signing up with Kass.... meeting BC.

Not... I think he's part of the blur. I need to ask Max if he remembers freeing anyone that might be not...

[flames-memory]

I think something weird happened tonight.

Not it's worried about Max and I. He's being pokey.

Pokepokepoke

I'm FINE.

I hope Max is. He's asleep so I can't really check..

Not says he's fine.

Gee thanks dude lol

Hope it's not Mot related. Mark is involved in fighting that. Ugh.

[flames-memory]

[flames-memory]

The Climate Control Master Play List

Broken down into:

1) The Nibs Mix

A mix tape made by Max for Niobe, after Prom. Thanks to the Oasis Prom for giving us our High School Retcon.

2) Max remix

Back atcha, Nibs had to make a tape for Max!

3) Fire & Ice Date Night

Music for Weekending, selected by Max for dancing and getting sexy.

4) Bone-In Wings

Nibs' answer to a date night mix, starting with some fun dancing, transitioning into horizontal mambos lol

5) Wing Sauce

Max's addendum to the wings mix.

After that, I just made one big list.... so we can just keep adding them when the song hits just right... I love listening to music with him, dancing.... I could stay like that forever.

[flames-memory]

I finally managed to ask him!!

Not hasn't spoken directly to him, that he remembers, but he's felt something. He thought he was imagining it, but when I asked, he knew right away that it was what I was asking about. He said he'll tell me if he hears any words.

For now, it seems happy to observe,

..

It's like I summoned him.

I closed the door. shush.

It's getting dark, and I left the door to the shack open for a moment.. I could hear it like a chant in the back of my head. closeitcloseitcloseitcloseit.... it's closed for fuck's sake.

go bother Max.

O.o whoa, that felt weird. I think that's called a scoff? Feels real weird in your head. I'm guessing Max must have gone to bed. He's safe there. Send him a nice dream then?

Heh.... he's gone. He feels like a big friendly dog... and also like a T rex from that movie. So weird. Kinda IG brother and family Giant Mutant Rottweiler all rolled into one.. heheh wonder what he'd think of THAT analogy?

They got the sign up for Scorch... it's SOOOOO cool!!!

He's built all this...is building all this for us. For me... I mean, not like I'm the center of the world for me, but together, fire and ice. For us. None of it existed till after we met. Glacier is already beautiful, Scorch is gonna be gritty and sexy.

I had a first aid kit installed in the gym. In case he gets hurt when I'm not around. I hate that he gets hurt when I'm not there to take that pain away. Pretty different to what I used to miss out on. He has entirely too many stories about getting thrown against walls or off buildings. Like I need more incentive to want to lock in the apartment with me. I don't get nearly enough of that as it is.. and I know he'd agree.

...I love him. So much, every time in a new way. He makes me laugh, and I love that he's funny, that he says silly things just to make me laugh. He makes me feel so seen... in the good ways. Makes me bold, which I hope he doesn't regret! Ugh, I don't need to pick it apart. I feel it constantly.

We got nicely coordinated outfits now, one red one blue, and he's gotta come up with something to go with the sexy spacesuit, so he can get his full bet's worth out of it.

I think we're gonna have a fun date night soon.. something special, just us.

Maybe stay at home.. heee love saying that. Home. Makes feel his arms around me, hear the fireplace, and music playing... oh god... sitting on the dining room table...

He didn't complain but table isn't very comfortable. The couch was nice, but also first night at home, for both of us. Firsts... that was a good night. We still have a lot of list to cross off!!! I can't wait HAH

Also, saw Andres Mark, Seb, Faye at FF. BC DJ'ed.

Was nice they left the booth to join us for a bit. I feel like a jerk barging into her space now, but that doesn't change my habits much, I'm still by the bar or on the dancefloor, same as I always was before. They've just been avoiding us, and I understand why.

It was just..*cries* nice to know I actually do have friends. And more of them, too. Others have been friendly, I had a nice chat with poor Aurrius the other day. Billy's awesome. Faye and I are definitely going on another hike. Not was curious about her, I can feel it. I did fear that I'd have to lose all of them, I'm so glad I can have some value to people beyond being her sidekick.

If I had... Max would be enough. I'd be so sad and Id miss them, but Max is still somehow enough. I wish we could spend every minute together, and he seems to feel the same...

I don't know about all these feelings... what's right or wrong or too much or too little, but I know I'm happy. Like I never thought was possible, or real. For sure like I never thought I would or could be.

[flames-memory]

I almost asked him.. but it felt weird and I didn't.

I had multiple chances tonight, and I forgot again. When I'm with Max all I think about is how much I like him. How happy he makes me. And I forget everything else, until something makes me remember.

I'm glad she has a few sidekick. I hope she's happy. I hate it, seeing her with someone new like that and I miss being that person, following her around and trying to be helpful. Or just arm candy. But I'm glad she has people. I knew she had people, and she does. She has so much love. She doesn't seem to see it.. but all she has to do is look at someone and they will love her. Of course, I wonder if that's part of the problem.

She seems to keep looking for new love. Adding to her list of people... spreading herself thin. I look at my life now, and the time I want to give to Max. There's not enough. It's like he says he wants to get close to me but there's just no enough, no way in the world to get close enough to him. We hold each other so tight, and still we wish there was closer... like we're two halves that want so badly to be one again, even we can feel it.

As desperately as I loved BC, I don't think I felt like this. Every love is different, I know I know. When things began to change with BC, they began to change with Max too.

When I started to feel hesitant, unhappy, hurt, it only made Max's steady support, encouragement, his undemanding love... so hard not to appreciate. I thought I loved him back during that weekend with the pillow fort, but I had no idea... I think the first person I felt love for was BC. She woke up that part of me that had been so dead, for so long, I didn't even know it was in me. And I loved her. Admired her. Am grateful to her.

But, no... not the same. I think there was a power imbalance that may have had a hand in our downfall. But also.. I don't think it's sustainable, what's she's trying to build. Beautiful for the right group of people, who all want that, and choose it for themselves. I... think if we met someone we both loved It would be fine, sharing Max while he shares me.... but it didn't feel like that.

I don't see that happening. We aren't looking for that, and after the heartbreak with BC, I really don't think we want to get involved in that again. I want to see it as just... too much love, people who can't help but love.

But it feels like people just can't get enough. Ravenous starving black holes that desperately keep adding people to their harems but not taking the time to really love those people, spending time looking for or hooking up with random people, meanwhile, their other lovers drift away, or find excuses to drift apart.

I won't let that happen to Max. He knows I love him, I know he loves me. He shows me, tells me, constantly. I do the same in my own ways. Dressing up for him, like I did for her. All the little things, the way I can barely stop touching him... he's my Nibs Nip for sure. I... hunger for him. Crave him. The things he says. His goofy smile. The silly pickup lines... I know he says them to make me laugh, and I love that he wants to hear it to see me laugh. I feel the same, saying silly things just to make him smile. Happy looks so sweet, so sexy on him.

How amazing is it I can give him that? I can see how he feels the same way I do.... that's amazing. Maybe there was no real chance for BC, when this exists. It feels like a... graduation. A destination. Like Max says.

Home. He's home, and I'm his.