#the only reason i ate so many is bc i was on my period and it was one of the only things that didnt upset my stomach tbh?

[jamesbukkakebarnes]

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[caineinthecorner]

Hi. I binged like 80 chats in a row and I have opinions(tm) about physical strength and general power stuff of the brothers. Mostly just strength related things, but I tried to cover most of their battle stuff.

Yes I know, yes I know, "they're ranked as siblings by power blabla", but that's LAME. So here are my personal takes mostly for fun. Canon is dead and I ate it.

Also I finished the dividers and general aesthetics of this blog woo

★ Lucifer.

Generally the strongest, period, can and WILL kill almost anyone without much issue or even second thought

Physical strength, however? He’s not the best, as he doesn’t rely on it at all for battle / conflict

He didn't need it in heaven, after all

(Beel was his brawns and he was already a powerful angel so it never was a requirement)

I don't see him actively working out (anymore, at least), so most of his strength is merely his baseline

His main tactic conflict wise is intimidation.

Cough giving MC death threats cough

Very prideful of himself in battle, obviously

Rarely would ever use any sort of dirty tricks

Would probably prefer to go down the "honorable way"

Target his brothers though and he WILL play every trick in the book with little regard to his pride or his own life

This fuck looks like he knows swordsmanship and is probably the only of the brothers who does so

(except maybe Satan who is learning just to copy / be better than him)

Either that or he knows fancy sword dances for angel rituals he cannot partake in anymore (and doesn't do them anymore)

Diavolo has photos of him doing said dances but his lips are triple sealed since it is a heavily touchy subject

★ Mammon.

Canonically this man is physically weak (or at least has a weak complexion / scrawny arms)

Probably the most disappointing in terms of strength because he is literally the second born

His saving grace is his unholy speed and dirty tricks, using it to cover his weaknesses / lack of physical strength.

A LOT of dirty tricks and bs magic stuff. So so many. Never ends

He’s the living embodiment of the “random bullshit go!!!” meme

You know Looney tunes? Yeah this man has the Bugs bunny's levels of bullshit

But he has the best stamina out of his brothers (so he can run away from his debts)

Doesn't train because he's already perfect as it is (<- that's his ego talking he can barely pick up the weights at Beel's gym)

Honor is for the dead type of person. Nothing is out of the table in battle

(^ that makes him terrifying to fight against btw)

He either tries to intimidate (imitating Lucifer) or sweet-talk his way out of conflict

It usually just pisses off his adversary more which actually leads to the fights starting, but hey, he tried 乁⁠(⁠ ⁠•⁠_⁠•⁠ ⁠)⁠ㄏ

★ Leviathan.

Physical strength is shit.

he will get his shit kicked if he tries to brawl with almost anyone

Except maybe the lowest hanging fruit (humans)

Magical or general strength is decent, but he's definitely not the greatest in battle out of the brothers

^ he's kinda insecure about this and he wishes he were stronger (he sulks about it)

Wishes that actual irl battles were like Fire Emblem or strategy games bcs he's actually good in those

Update: I didn't make it clear (mb lol) but I see him as the best strategist of the brothers by far, he just isn't good at front-line action

^ Being away from the front lines keeps the pressure away from him for the most part, and it avoids him getting riled up and acting rash

He once tried to workout with Beel but quickly got overwhelmed because Beel shoved 200kg weights onto him thinking it was an reasonable starting point

So he kinda has trauma(tm) about it

Despite his garbage physical prowess, he WILL start fights and get riled up easily

He goes onto his demon form immediately when he wants to fight

^ bcs his strength isn't great, and he needs any boost he can get

Plus, awful anger management

My man will get onto a fist fight with the demon equivalent of a redditor over anime waifus and he will lose

★ Satan.

As the literal embodiment of Wrath, he does pack quite a punch and will maul you to death with only his fists. No problems at all

But that's merely his baseline strength (which is a lot) since he doesn’t really train physically

Probably focuses on other areas (read: intelligence) instead of physical strength.

Which is ironic because he could kick Lucifer's ass in a fist fight if he actually trained more

But oh well. Books do be booking

Surprisingly strategic while in fights, although not above Going Apeshit

Funnily enough the least likely of the brothers to enter a fight

Has read The Art Of War and will quote it just to be a smartass

★ Asmodeus.

Physically? Weak.

Probably the weakest of the brothers, having more or less the strength of a human (and on the weaker side of that).

He doesn’t train whatsoever; Likes his slender figure and muscles “ruin” that.

However, he makes up for it on the "trickster" scale.

As the Avatar of Lust, he will probably go the charm route instead of wanting to directly fight his enemies, or he make someone else do the dirty work for him.

Think of Mammon but make it a bit less scummy, tricks wise.

His go-to is sweet talk.

Something something the Avatar of Lust being physically weak since sex is considered an act of vulnerability and therefore the lowering of one’s guard something something

Something something the poetic narrative of the Avatar of Lust having only power through Communication something something

★ Beelzebub.

Contrary to Asmo; he does lift for days and can pack quite the punch, being one of the stronger brothers physically despite being one of the youngest.

I don't see him caring much for magic or other types of strength, he is content in packing the punch and has the capabilities to back him up.

Fight wise he will probably punch the problems away

Maybe use one or two tricks he’s learned

Mostly relies on his intuition and gut and it surprisingly works out

Nothing fancy; Dictionary definition of all muscle no brain battle wise

Literally one of the scariest brothers to ever fight he will actually beat you to a bloody pulp

And make a smoothie out of it

★ Belphegor.

This fucker doesn't lift at all you can't tell me shit

At MOST he'll accompany Beel to the gym and would sleep at the benches

The strength he has is the strength he was born with

Which isn't a lot, but still above human average by quite a lot

More or less demon standard of strength. Maybe a slightly below it

But he's still above most demons by a mile in other regards, mostly magic prowess

He's stronger than Levi because I think it would be hilarious that the dude who sleeps all day is stronger than him

(or you can make him really physically strong just because it'd be funny to see the sleepy dude kick ass)

(either way is funny as shit go ham)

★ Physical strength chart

Behemoth type strength :

Beel (only barely)

Lucifer

Satan

High / Low above human average :

Mammon

Belphie (low diff w/ mammon)

Levi

Asmo

★General strength chart

Can kill hundreds no effort :

Lucifer

Satan (If apeshit)

Are not as strong but still terrifying :

Mammon

Beel

Belphie

Levi, Asmo (Tie)

[daisychains111]

live "tweet" books with me (via the Goodreads progress bar) pt.3 Iron Flame by Rebecca Yarros

Live tweeting as I read...back by popular demand (literally 1 person on Tumblr (@dumpsters-little-matchbook) asked me to do it again and I was already planning to)

stay strong Vi....just bc he's hot doesn't mean he's redeemed himself for his (understandably) traitorous ways

"she's worth a dozen of me" Xanden you shut up right now I'm mad at you

I'm glad Brennen's alive but I do not trust him at all...pretending to be dead for 6 years is fishy as fuck

hashtag: Andarna protection club...if anything ever happens to that dragon I'll burn the world

violet "I know more than you" sorrengail back in action

lol Brennen making fun of her love life

petition for violet and sgaeyl mother-daughter bonding

awww andarna, all growed up

moody teenage angst Andarna is the comedic relief we all didn't know we needed...nothing is as iconic as her growling at Violet for calling her my dearest

idk if Tairn signed up to be the sole father figure to two teenage girls but Violet and Andarna are about to give him a run for his money

he deserves not to trust Dain bc Dain is the scum of the earth

RIDOC AND RHIONNAN ARE SAFE AND ALIVE EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT IN THE WORLD

call his lying ass out Violet as you should

slay violets mom with the redeeming qualities...glad she actually cared if Violet was alive and isn't completely a heartless bitch

fuck dain but also FUCK HIS DAD

the fact that it's him who officially outs them makes me smile hehe

I agree Nadine...that was hot

Xaden being an absolute tease flirt bc she's mad at him is iconic

YAY SQUAD LEADER RHI!!!

the joke was funny, your friends ate just lame (jk I love them but still)

THE PRINCE???

awwww Liam's sister you better make it across istfg

noooo I wanted to be friends with Sloane

violet in her older sister era

gotta love the "is everyone I care about alive? yes? slay" moment

the fact that even tairn is warry of the orange dragon freaks me out

tairn reporting for fatherly duties will never not be my favorite...violet may be annoying but she's his annoying

I'm all for the Violet and Imogen friendship but they better not be mean to Rhiannan

also if Rhiannan gets annoying and jealous about them I'll be really sad

nooo I liked Nadine...who tf just snaps people's necks like that tf

Xaden warding her room so he's the only person who can come in COMEDY

SIMP

hehehe he wrote her a letterrr

violet lying to everyone about her feelings about Xaden except Tairn is so funny...like who's the dragon gonna tell

Xaden is winning every award ever rn bc 1. he's hot as hell, but 2. he's like I wanna sleep with you so bad, but I won't bc it's for the wrong reasons....honorable mf

literally FUCK VARRISH

Sloane needs to get her shit together and Violet needs to stop avoiding her friends

I'm like 80% sure they just got drugged but slay ig

called it...they were totally drugged

tairn comforting Violet about missing Xaden even though Tairn is the one with the bonded mate thing isn't being talked about enough

I would really love to know what those letters say...just saying, sharing is caring

I want to trust jesinia...I really do but it gives me a bad feeling

you let my babies see each other istg...violet is actively moving towards miserable without him

Imogen is slowly becoming the biggest violet/Xander fangirl and I love that for her

give it up Imogen...yall are friends

girlie just wants to be back in a library fr

period Rhiannan...don't put up with Xaden's shit....you threaten him like a bestie should

If Rhi and Violet don't stay friends I'll riot

ooooo don't mess with Tairn's kids...he'll bring that dad defensive

I'm so glad Violet is letting Rhiannan in..be besties again pls

HAHA "SHOWING OFF (MAKING OUT)" IN FRONT OF MIRA....ICONIC

"omg your falling for him" No matter how many times I hear that I'm media I will always be a sucker for it

"you're my only sibling" REALLY MAKING VIOLET SEEM LIKE A TERRIBLE PERSON FOR NOT TELLING MIRA ABOUT BRENNEN....UNCALLED FOR

tik tok says she finally just fucking forgives him in chapter 27... we're on 20, kick into gear people

at her core, Violet is really just like me fr.... 21-year-old girlie pop vibes for the win

 damn the disdain for Dian is STRONG

Rhiannan wins the bestie of the year award....being the best even tho Violet is being a fuckass about not telling her things

DAIN FIGHTING ISNT GONNA DO MUCH BC YOU DONT DESERVE HER AND NOW EVERYONE GETS TO WATCH AS SHE BEATS YOUR ASS

see, I knew her mom was a bitch

Rhiannan and violets friendship rn makes me so sad

This aaric dude better keep his mouth SHUT

really looking forward to Xaden beating the shit out of Dain for the shit he just pulled

besties having beef in private...which honestly I feel like will be a good thing

"that isn't a secret" I love ridoc....also Violet why tf would you think that's a valid secret

them getting graded for withstanding torture is WILD

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BRING DAIN INTO THIS VARRISH YOU BITCH

VARRISH YOU ABSOLUTE MOTHERFUCKER...I DESPISE YOUR SOUL

I hate dain to but I love him for that...thank you for being a rule-following asshat

two things: tairn constantly being like "duh your fine, I make great choices" is so sweet but absolutely hilarious....and Rhiannan being a slay icon is my favorite thing

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN JACK IS BACK FROM THE ACTUAL DEAD....SHUT UP RIGHT NOW

I'm so ready to watch the Fab 4 (I've decided that I'm calling ridoc, rhi, sawyer, and Violet this bc they are so slay) kill jack again bc wtf

YES CHAPTER 27 I'VE HEARD GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOU

watch Mira walk in on them right now...that'd be so freaking funny

tairn and Violet's father-daughter bonding is my fave

tairn is a grade-A overprotective father... it's adorable

no literally....tairn is so over her 21 bullshit...I love them

I have no recollection of who Kaori is...but him standing up to varrish makes him my favorite

YES YES YES LET FAB 3/4 KNOW ALL THE SECRETS

ridoc having the vibes to give violet a hard time while his world was just flipped on its head is why I love him

also shout out to Imogen and Quinn bc yall are slay too

why did Jack save her life...go back to being an ass, not sucky jack is frightening

"argue with you about books? I only pick fights I can win" Xaden clearly knows his place

literally just sobbing at the Liam cameo

why does Varrish keep responding to Liam...is Violet talking out loud or like did he pull a jack

damn dain is just...redeeming himself...didn't have that on my 2024 bingo card

her mom redeeming herself too? damn we're on a redemption roll

very serious war book until someone says something like "show off" during an important meeting (cough garrick cough) and you remember that these bitches are in their 20s

Brennan, Xaden, and tairn: violet protection squad

ANDARNAS BACK YYYAAAYYY

YUH SLAY FOURTH WING

flame section is the iron section? One might say they're the iron flame....wink wink

patiently waiting for a sorrengail sibling reunion...pls bring Mira into the loop

YES MIRA BEAT HIS ASS

Mira beating the shit out of Brennan, Violet yelling at them to grow tf up, and ultimately Mira and Brennen rebonding over the ickiness of xaden/violet pda...the best sibling reunion EVER

"I have control" girl be so for real rn...the only time you use your power is when you're mid-orgasm, you're not controlling shit

Mira and Xaden being "let's overprotect violet" partners in crime...straight vibes

Andarna: The Hungry One (trademark)

oooooooo violets in trooouubbblleeee

jealous Violet storyline is about to be just as stupid as I'm keeping my friends safe by distancing myself Violet storyline

oh God not talking in 3rd person

"I wasn't in love with you then," *jim halpert camera stare* stfu xaden

DAMMMMNNNNN he's def being annoying but saying he's acting like dain is looooooowwwww

yeah cat just stfu...violet is better than you don't be a bitch

YOU WEAR YOUR HAIR DOWN VIOLET...TORTURE HIM BUT ISTG IF YOU LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THAT BS....

YESSS Liam mentions make me so happy...also I'm so ready for Violet and Sloane to bond

dain just bc you saved her doesn't mean you're not on extremely thin ice...stfu

HA, a length joke...I like Maren

IF YOU KILL RIDOC RIGHT NOW REBECCA, I WILL HAUNT YOU

HES SAFE....fab 4 lives another day

cat's a bitch...that's all

Cat's a bitch...but you know who isn't? Rhiannan. gave her bestie the best fighting skills

well that's one way to combat jealousy

he really said "You were annoying and emotional last year, this year it's my turn" Live laugh love healthy relationships

fab 4 are my favorite group of fantasy besties ever....icons..every single one of them

I'm very very excited for the Sawyer and Jesinia subplot...also I don't think I'm opposed to a Dain redemption arch, he just needs to learn his place

"I might even be in love with him after that declaration" HA game recognizes game dain, love that for you

ROLL CREDITS

Garrick doesn't get enough credit for being just as awesome as Rhi....slay besties

girlie pop bickering with a side of danger mission and dragon obedience school...my favorite

HAH grammar jokes

 "I get the feeling that this '2nd signet' thing is gonna be a BIG issue...like the plot twist that ends the book BIG

tbh I feel like I don't know him either so I get why she's mad at him

BRUUUUHHH he redeems himself with the "less than a minute" comment

tairn is girl dad...yelling at Violet and Andarna for their shit, yelling at Xaden for talking to Violet...girl dad icon

"Mom and Dad are fighting" See tairn and Sgaeyl are Mom and Dad

poor mama sorrengail...that's not the best way to break that news brennen you bitch

I'm really hoping Violet gets iron squad to go help bc them leaving the others to die is bullshit

they mentioned that the venin had runes, but they were confused as to how. cat is the best at them, and I really really really don't like how sus that is

everyone is so over Violet and her friends bc they're the only ones saying true things

YUH IRON SQUAD...my favorite squad of besties

FUCKING JACK

that was the most stressful thing ever read in my life...if Rhiannan dies I will never recover

I thought Sawyer was going to die and I started crying

YES ANDARNA BE SPECIAL AND SLAY

The fact the andarna hatched just for Violet is so sweet

you better not fucking sacrifice yourself right now violet unknownmiddlename sorrengail

DUMBASS

rip mama sorrengail...this was the redemption arch you deserved

violet breaking down to Rhi is EVERYTHING

FAB 4 LIVES TO SEE ANOTHER DAY (along with Imogen, Quinn, Sloane, Jesinia, Aaric, Maren, and Cat because yall bitches grew on me)

yay xaden's safe, was worried for a bit

IM SORRY WHAT NOW

I'M SORRY WHAT NOW

saying that xaden cant feel sgaeyl better be a fucking joke rn

FUCKING JACK

[a-dinosaur-a-day]

Oh man. That's a big question. There are simply too many Avialan Dinosaurs that don't get enough attention.

I know you specifically asked for Cenozoic, but I'm also going to take the time to highlight some great Mesozoic Avialans, because they also never get any attention

Mesozoic Avialans Worthy of Attention:

I know they bounce back and forth a lot because there isn't actually a dividing line between "dinosaur" and "bird", but I have to mention the Anchiornithids - Things like Caihong, Serikornis, and of course Anchiornis itself are really cool fluffy friends that really showcase the variety of feather adaptations

Jeholornis is amazing, we know so much about it and its ecology! It ate seeds, it had a rad tail, it just is aesthetically pleasing

I love Sapeornis because it was essentially the first "bird of prey" if we don't count Microraptor (which admittedly we could)

Confuciusornis is possibly one of the best known Mesozoic dinosaurs of all time. Where the hell is it. Why isn't it in literally anything. Amber Isle even has the tail of Confuciusornis as an option for your character, but gd forbid having an NPC be one I guess

Enantiornithines. There are so many of them. It's kind of insane. Like, these non-Neornithine dinosaurs were essentially *the* birds of the Cretaceous period. I can't even cover all the ones that deserve attention, not fairly anyway. Off the top of my head - Shanweiniao is a great one, as is Bohaiornis, and Gobipteryx, and Avimaia is a wonderful specimen, and Avisaurus is a big hit for Hell Creek fans, and Falcatakely is literally the Tooth-can, and Imparavis was toothless and that's cool, and Lectavis was very like modern shorebirds, and Parvavis is the smallest known Mesozoic dinosaur, and Chiappeavis had a cool tail fan, and I should really stop before this gets too long

On the line to modern birds, Patagopteryx is an early example of a bird that re-evolved flightlessness! I mean yeah things like Utahraptor are too but shush

Yanornis is just such a cool transitional species

Gansus is actually well known for a reason - it was aquatic!

Can you really go wrong with Apsaravis?

Literally the entirety of Hesperonithines

Ichthyornis is just Platinum Tier

And then we have the earliest "modern birds", which are Mesozoic! We've got Vegavis (probably) and Asteriornis! Showcasing how even in the Cretaceous, we had Chickens (ish) and Ducks (ish)

Cenozoic Avians Worthy Of Attention:

Gastornis. Gastornis. Gastornis. Gastornis.

PELAGORNITHIDS. these weirdos responded to the problem of "birds can't reevolve teeth" with "LETS JUST MAKE OUR BEAKS LOOK RIDICULOUS" and they were successful throughout the Cenozoic and just died out bc of the ice age and thats the only reason we don't have any?????? and NOTHING USES THEM??? besides ark which is a travesty

There's a whole score of interesting birds that are in the Passerine-Parrot group but not proper Passerines or Parrots that I've dubbed "Pass-Parrots of Prey" (formerly Parrots of Prey) because they're all raptorial! parrots and passerines come from raptor ancestors!

apparently frigatebirds did the Gull thing before they were frigatebirds and before gulls existed and that's Limnofregata

PENGUINS. They show up RIGHT after the end-cretaceous and have a detailed Paleocene fossil record (a rarity, I assure you) - so we have a great transitional sequence and then on top of it some are HUGE

I deeply love presbyornithids

Sandcoleids are little weirdos I love them

LITHORNITHIDS. They are the base from which Paleognaths evolved and they were flying friends!

Terror Birds. They show up early in the Cenozoic and only died out at the end of the Ice Age. they were a HUGE component of South America's ecosystems and were extremely successful. Also, badass.

Bathornis is basically the North American terror bird (ignore Titanis) so that too

qianshanornis is a cutie with a sickle claw

PLOTOPTERIDS! some booby relatives were like "we want to be penguins" and then they did it! in the northern hemisphere! they were all over the Pacific!

Dromornithids (Mihirungs) are super cool Australian megafowl

I'm a little biased, but I think the screamer-duck I helped described (Anachronornis) is pretty cool

I love Palaelodids (Swimming Flamingos) because they just look Weeeeeeird

I have a soft spot for Zygodactylids because they're basically the usual passerine body but with parrot feet. that's rad

Teratorns were cool vulture-relatives that got REALLY big

There are a handful of terrestrial raptors related to falcons that were notable in the Eocene like Danielsraptor

I deeply appreciate Moa and Elephant Birds for being big friends

Haast's Eagle is one of those things you shouldn't think about too hard

GIANT SWAN OF SICILY

Xenicibis and your club-wings my beloved

Heracles was a Giant fucking Kakapo/Kea/Kaka type parrot and it was RIDICULOUS

I'm ignoring a lot of transitional birds - early members of different groups that tried out unique niches or ecologies that their modern relatives don't do - because if I listed them all this post would get ridiculous. just trust there's tons of interesting small birds that require more text to show how they're interesting than I feel like writing at 5am

STILT OWLS

Sylviornis was another excellent Megafowl

z''l dodos and great auks

Talpanas, aka, the Reverse-Platypus

just for a start

*grabs you by the front of your shirt* Birds throughout the Cenozoic, including today, have significantly more in common with every other dinosaur than any dinosaur has to things like Dimetrodon or Mosasaurus or even Pteranodon. Dinosaurs are a specific family group and birds are extremely nested within it. Including prehistoric creatures in your media but specifically leaving out Cenozoic Dinosaurs is not only a disservice to dinosaurs, but to whatever thing you're creating and also prehistoric life in general. For the love of Gd, just add Gastornis or a Terror Bird or a Pelagornithid to your damn video game/cartoon/comic strip. Dinosaurs don't just *stop* at Archaeopteryx and I am literally losing my mind at this point, please, for me, just do it

(I love @paleopinesofficial and Amber Isle from @ambertailgames, I do, but the fact that there's Dimetrodons and Postosuchus-es and Thylacines and no dinosaurs closer to birds than Archaeopteryx is so infuriating I'm on the verge of tears)

sincerely

a paleontologist who studies cenozoic birds

[star-dust-stuf]

Dead Poet Society period comfort Hc's

warnings: mentions of blood, drugs, addicting galore!

a/n: I thought I'd post one of these bc's I can't seem to find any. I hope you all get a kick out of this one. Not proofread. None of these are my gifs! As always, enjoy!!!

Neil Perry

No mystery he's a sweetheart!

He's well educated on the subject.

He's never had a girlfriend, so he'd be a bit slow on this.

He'll be there for you, even if it's just simple like holding you or letting you lay your back on his legs as he studies.

Do not- I repeat, do not be afraid to ask him to get/do things for you.

Mood swings don't bother him. If you get a bit snappy, he knows it's not all you. If you get emotional at the little things, he will try his best to make you feel your best.

Chocolate is another thing- he'd run to many different cany shops just for you. Even if it costs him a fortune!

When you'd be annoyed about your classes, he asks you if he could read to you, even taking out his time to read your studies.

If you end up yelling at him for absolutely no reason, he'd let you get your anger out on him if it reliefs you from some steam.

If you end up leaking in the middle of class, he'll know what to do. He'd give you his hoodie to wrap around your waist as you ran the bathroom.

Speaking of hoodies, if you get super bad cramps, he'd given you his hoodies, sweaters and cardigans to bundle up into a cocoon since you only have one blanket.

If it comes to the physical part of school, you know running (exercise) He'd keep up with your pace to make you feel like you weren't falling behind.

If the cramps are more intense than usual, he'd let you squeeze his hand. If you're in class he'd give you a pencil to bite on.

He'd even do your hair- or just brush it if that's all you want!

Todd Anderson

This man has the cure I'm telling you!

Waking up with it was your biggest fear, even more painful than any other time.

He'd help you get dressed if that's what it took.

He's a quiet one but he won't hesitate to ask or tell you to relax.

He'd pick up on it pretty quick bc's of the mood swings.

Speaking of moon swings. If you cry a lot, he will let you lean on him, lay on his chest, on his thighs. Whatever makes you feel better. If you get angry, even psychically angry, he'll give you his pillow for you to punch.

He gets it. You sometimes have no control over it, even if you feel bad, he'll let you know it's completely fine!

He gets really bad headaches believe it or not so if your cramps are unbearable, he'd give you some of his medication.

He's not squeamish. If he sees a bit of blood, rather than hesitating or ignoring it he'd tell oyu immediately. Of course, you're embarrassed but he gives you one of those smiles and covers you as you walk down to the bathroom.

Just like Neil, he'll give you his hoodie, even if you don't wear it, just to snuggle with bc's he knows the smell, you ADORE!

He gets used to it by time, the one thing he absolutely hates is when you're in pain. Even if you try to hide it, he'd immediately asked you if you need something.

If it's the middle of the night he'd run to the bathroom with his water bottle and fill it up with steaming hot water and bring it to you to lay it on your stomach.

If you're still hungry at lunch even if you ate a full meal, he'd give you his.

If you can't even stand on your worst days, he'd bring you anything.

If you roll up into a ball and cry in pain, he might even start crying- he knows there's nothing further he could do to make it stop.

Steven Meeks

Don't underestimate him, he knows more than you think.

He's never had a girlfriend ever so if he picks up on it slowly don't get mad at him for it.

He tried to ask calmly what you need, heating pad, pain killers, chocolate? He's got it!

Chilling with him could become a crying session. Comforting you is not his main goal! Don't freak out!

His main goal is to take all the discomfort away. If showering helps, he's there to help. If rubbing your stomach does the trick, he's got it covered.

He gives you his comfy clothes, baggy pants and shirt. If you end up bleeding on his clothes and start crying, covering your face he'd calmly take your hand away and kiss your wet face. Its ok, he'd tell you. It'll wash out!

School sucks at the time. If you fall behind in class, he'd let you cheat off his paper.

If you get snappy, he can be a bit sensitive, but due to Charlie and hi big fat mouth he's used to it.

Hiding the pain in public is his specialty. You two came up with code words in case something happens. Not only cause its hard, but its unbearable!

If the pain is unbearable- like Neil, he'd let you squeeze his hand. grab onto the side of his shirt. If you're both sitting down, you'd squeeze his thigh (he doesn't mind)

He knows it's hard to control, he'd tell you once he's in collage he'd find a cure, but we all know that's not gonna happen- he just like to make you laugh!

If focusing is hard for you he'd guide you through. If there's an exam he'd go slow. He's very patient.

Gerard Pitts

He has the brightest intentions!

He'd had some experience with this in the past- and no, not past gfs. His mother. Man's never had a gf.

Picks up on it quickly, very quickly.

You'd be embarrassed and not tell him at first, but little did you know... He knew already!

The hoodie content had him on his knees, but he only had a sweater, so he gave it to you- you kept if wrapped around your pillow.

He can't help but laugh when he sees you in a cocoon of blankets.

When you get sick of your bloating, he'd encourage you about it. Feeling fat made you feel worse, but he'd let you know you look absolutely gorgeous!

He can't handle pain very well, not even coming from others. If you start crying because if it- by God, he will start crying with you, maybe shed a tear here and there.

Nothing I tell you, nothing makes him, or you feel better than laughing together. He does try and be careful bc's he knows if you laugh to hard, you'll hurt yourself.

Again- don't hesitate to ask him to pick you up a couple of things- honestly if you asked this man to jump off the school building, he'll do it, no questions asked!

Leaking is a different story. If you sneezed and that's where the trouble began, he'd carry you- he doesn't care! Romeo was there to save the day!!!!

Sore muscles are the worst but he's hot you covered. His hands are like magic!

Showering was hard but you managed. If you couldn't bc's of the retched cramps he'd try and do his best without making you feel uncomfortable.

Charlie Dalton

You could just scream!

He's had lots of girlfriends in his life, so he knows plenty!

He's never had on like you though, sometimes if you can't keep in a little cry in class, he'd write you little notes and toss them to you to keep you going.

Being moody didn't bother him at all! Starting an augment, he would most defiantly not finish.

Crying was another story- he's a sympathetic crier. You've seen him cry but not like this. Sniffling as he held you.

If you're in much pain he won't mind if you punch him in the shoulder a bit, or even pull him by the tie.

He'd steal from the lunchroom to bring you some snacks.

You might be sensitive so if he makes a joke, you'd laugh to only to cry, he'd try and calm you.

He'd understand if you wanted to be alone- by alone he sat outside the door and waited for you to call his name.

If you even say ow, he'd flinch and run to you, grabbing your arm and guiding you even if you tell him you're ok.

In the middle of the nights when you'd wake up with cramps, he'd squeeze in with you as you lied between his legs, your head on his chest as he rubbed your stomach.

If there was an accident on your bed, he'd get you knew sheets as you sat on his completely embarrassed, he found it adorable. You'd tell him he doesn't have to clean up your mess, but he insists!

Chocolate is his favorite too. Getting a bar for you and him. His favorite was chocolate on popcorn, you couldn't agree more!

If you have trouble sleeping, he'd read you a book of poems and tell you on about each page that this poem reminds me of you.

He'd beat up anyone who made you feel bad, or even make fun of you for your period. Going to the headmasters and taking in the punishment with a smile on his face.

Loyal man he is! Never lets you go anywhere alone at this stage.

Don't forget the kisses!! Huh he'd kiss you every hour of the day!

Knox Overstreet

Ring his bell, he'll be there!

He knows about it- seemingly strange but he knows, not that he talks about it but when he realizes you have started, he lets you know you can talk to him.

Cuddling he thinks does the trick- he's no different like the others.

He doesn't want to push you, but he like to take long walks with you. It may include you leaning on him the whole time or even him carrying you back.

Again, if there is any point in time when you don't feel well at any time of day- three am for all he cares! He will play some music- read a book, keep you warm, rub your stomach- if at all- all the above!!

Getting a bit snappy, huh? He can take it; he's got thick skin! H gets it- it's your hormones talking, you really have no control.

If you yell at him, he just listens. Complete eye contact with you and him.

Other than giving you his hoodie (which he'd be more than happy to give you) He gives you his pants- very baggie!

Speaking of pants. If you're worried your pad shows through, all you gotta do is ask him, he'll walk behind you and glance without drawing any attention. He won't lie to you- if he sees it hell let you know.

He understands its embarrassing for you, really, he understands! If you feel you can't talk to him, he just tells you to write it on paper and give it to him, soon he'll give you a note back with the sweetest words! Including a poem.

If you get annoyed with the little things he'll try and fix them. "My pencil isn't sharp enough!" He fixes it. "My hair is a mess!" He fixes it. Can't make your bed, you know it!

Speaking of hair- he would brush it through, put it in a lovely braid.

He doesn't care if your mad, he'll force a hug and maybe add in some kisses!

Richard Cameron

Hear me out!

You may think he's squeamish about the subject, but he's such a darling about it!

He picks up on it quickly only because the others pointed it out for him.

Cuddling is more of an 'ask or I won't be sure it's what you really want' sort of thing, but he'll be more than happy to give you cuddles! Rubbing your stomach as he does his studies.

Being moody can set of a fight but once you start crying, he'll immediately runs over and hug you.

When you're embarrassed about it sometimes- even when you have to wonder about on school grounds, he makes sure you feel some comfort even if he has to hold your hand the entire time, he's got you.

don't get me wrong- he will give you any hoodie/s you want- all of them even.

When he sees you in pain for the first time, he'll chalk it up as a stomachache until he sees the blood.

Speaking of blood. Like I said- some might point him out as squeamish, but he won't hesitate to tell you.

And- speaking of seeing you in pain. He absolutely hates it! Seeing the one he loves in agony kills him itself.

If you get annoyed at the little things he can't really help unless it's a mental thing- his area is clean and neat so weather t's your pillow not being fluffy enough. He's got you.

Going to the physical side of school hurt you the most. If there was ever a time you slowed down on the field because those pesky cramps kicked in, he'll run up beside you and hold your hand.

He'll give you his pillow to lay your back on while you try and stretch. He tells you it'll help along with drinking water, lots of water.

If you get out of the shower exhausted, he'll help you get dressed and massage any part of your body, he'd ask if he's hurting you over and over, but you'd give him the same response. "No, babe!"

He means well when he asked if you're on your period just so he can do extra work for you.

If bloating gets too much for you, he'd give you some tea to calm you and tell you "It'll only last so long," and "You're so beautiful!"

If the pain gets too unbearable, he won't hesitate to get the doctor. "It's normal!" you'd tell him. "No, no its not!"

Again- he means well. Next time you get snappy let him know it's not his fault.

[yamayuandadu]

The Two (or more) Ishtars or A Certain Scandalous Easter Claim Proved to be The Worship of Reverend Alexander Hislop

Once upon a time the official facebook page of Richard Dawkins' foundation posted a graphic according to which the holiday of Easter is just a rebranded celebration of the Mesopotamian mythology superstar Ishtar, arguing that the evidence is contained in its very name. As everyone knows, Dawkins is an online talking head notable for discussing his non-belief in such an euphoric way that it might turn off even the most staunch secularists and for appearing in some reasonably funny memes about half a decade ago. Bizarrely enough, however, the same claim can be often found among the crowds dedicated to crystal healing, Robert Graves' mythology fanfiction, indigo children and similar dubiously esoteric content. What's yet more surprising is that once in a while it shows up among a certain subset of fundamentalist Christians, chiefly the types who believe giants are real (and, of course, satanic), the world  is ruled by a secret group of Moloch worshipers and fossils were planted by the devil to led the sheeple astray from the truth about earth being 6000 years old, tops. Of course, to anyone even just vaguely familiar with Christianity whose primary language isn't English this claim rightfully seems completely baffling – after all it's evident in most languages that the name of the holiday celebrating Jesus' resurrection, and many associated customs, are derived from the earlier Jewish Pascha (Passover) which has nothing to do with Ishtar other than having its origin in the Middle East. Why would the purported association only be evident  in English and not in Aramaic, Greek, Latin, Spanish, virtually any language other than English and its close relatives – languages which generally didn't have anything to do with Mesopotamia or early christianity? Read on to find out what sort of sources let this eclectic selection of characters arrive to the same baffling conclusion, why are they hilariously wrong, and – most importantly – where you can actually find a variety of Ishtars (or at least reasonably Ishtar-like figures) under different names instead.

The story of baffling Easter claims begins in Scotland in the 19th century. A core activity of theologians in many faiths through history was (and sometimes still is) finding alleged proof of purported “idolatry” or other “impure” practices among ideological opponents, even these from within the same religion – and a certain Presbyterian minister, Alexander Hislop, was no stranger to this traditional pastime. Like many Protestants in this period, he had an axe to grind with the catholic church  - though not for the reasons many people are not particularly fond of this institution nowadays. What Hislop wanted to prove was much more esoteric – he believed that it's the Babylon known from the Book of Revelations. Complete with the beast with seven heads, blasphemous names and other such paraphernalia, of course. This wasn't a new claim – catholicism was equated with the New Testament Babylon for as long as Protestantism was a thing (and earlier catholicism itself regarded other religions as representing it). What set Hislop apart from dozens of other similar attempts like that was that he fancied himself a scholar of history and relied on the brand new accounts of excavations in what was once the core sphere of influence of the Assyrian empire (present day Iraq and Syria), supplemented by various Greek and Roman classics – though also by his own ideas, generally varying from baseless to completely unhinged. Hislop compiled his claims in the book The Two Babylons or The Papal Worship Proved to be the Worship of Nimrod and His Wife. You can find it on archive.org if you want to torment yourself and read the entire thing – please do not give clicks directly to any fundie sites hosting it though. How does the history of Easter and Ishtar look like according to Hislop? Everything started with Semiramis, who according to his vision was a historical figure and a contemporary of Noah's sons, here also entirely historical. Semiramis is either entirely fictional or a distorted Greek and Roman account of the 9th century BC Assyrian queen Shammuramat, who ruled as a regent for a few years after the death of her husband Shamshi Adad V – an interesting piece of historical trivia, but arguably not really a historical milestone, and by the standards of Mesopotamian history she's hardly a truly ancient figure. Hislop didn't even rely on the primary sources dealing with the legend of Semiramis though, but with their medieval christian interpretations, which cast her in the role of an adulterer first and foremost due to association of ancient Mesopotamia with any and all vices.

Hislop claims that Semiramis was both the Whore of Babylon from the Book of Revelations and the first idolater, instituting worship of herself as a goddess. This goddess, he argues, was Astarte (a combination of two flimsy claims – Roman claim that Semiramis' name means “dove” and now generally distrusted assumption that Phoenician Astarte had the same symbols as Greek Aphrodite) and thus Ishtar, but he also denotes her as a mother goddess – which goes against everything modern research has to say about Ishtar, of course. However, shoddy scholarship relying on few sources was the norm at the time, and Hislop on top of that was driven by religious zeal. In further passages, he identified this “universal mother” with Phrygian Cybele, Greek Rhea and Athena, Egyptian Isis, Taoist Xi Wangmu (sic) and many more, pretty much at random, arguing all of them were aspects of nefarious Semiramis cult which infected all corners of the globe. He believed that she was venerated alongside a son-consort, derived from Semiramis' even more fictional husband Ninus (a mythical founder of Assyria according to Greek authors, absent from any Mesopotamian sources; his name was derived from Nineveh, not from any word for son like Hislop claims), who he identifies with biblical Nimrod (likewise not a historical figure, probably a distorted reflection of the god Ninurta). Note the similarity with certain ideas perpetrated by Frazer's Golden Bough and his later fans like Jung, Graves and many neopagan authors – pseudohistory, regardless of ideological background, has a very small canon of genuinely original claims. Ishtar was finally introduced to Britain by “druids” (note once again the similarity to the baffling integration of random Greek, Egyptian or Mesopotamian deities into Graves-derived systems of fraudulent trivia about “universal mother goddesses” often using an inaccurate version of Celtic myths as framework). This eventually lead to the creation of the holiday of Easter. Pascha doesn't come up in the book at all, as far as I can tell. All of this is basically just buildup for the book's core shocking reveal: catholic veneration of Mary and depictions of Mary with infant Jesus in particular are actually the worship of Semiramis and her son-consort Ninus, and only the truly faithful can reveal this evil purpose of religious art. At least so claims Hislop. This bizarre idea is laughable, but it remains disturbingly persistent – do you remember the Chick Tracts memes from a few years ago, for example? These comics were in part inspired by Hislop's work. Many fundamentalist christian communities appear to hold his confabulations in high esteem up to this day – and many people who by design see themselves as a countercultural opposition to christianity independently gleefully embrace them, seemingly ignorant of their origin. While there are many articles debunking Hislop's claim about Easter, few of them try to show how truly incomprehensibly bad his book is as a whole – hopefully the following examples will be sufficient to illustrate this point: -Zoroaster is connected to Moloch because of the Zoroastrian holy fire - and Moloch is, of course Ninus. Note that while a few Greek authors believed Zoroaster to be the “king of Bactria” mythical accounts presented as a contemporary of Ninus, the two were regarded as enemies – Hislop doesn't even follow the pseudohistory he uses as proof! -Zoroaster is also Tammuz. Tammuz is, of course, yet another aspect of Ninus. -demonic character is ascribed to relics of the historical Buddha; also he's Osiris. And Ninus. -an incredibly racist passage explains why the biblical Nimrod (identified with – you guessed it - Ninus) might be regarded as “ugly and deformed” like Haephestus and thus identical to him (no, it makes no sense in context either) - Hislop thinks he was black (that's not the word he uses, naturally) which to him is the same thing. -Attis is a deification of sin itself -the pope represents Dagon (incorrectly interpreted as a fish god in the 19th century) -Baal and Bel are two unrelated words – this is meant to justify the historicity of the Tower of Babel by asserting it was built by Ninus, who was identical to Bel (in reality a title of Marduk); Bel, according to Hislop, means “the confounder (of languages)” rather than “lord” -the term “cannibal” comes from a made up term for priests of Baal (Ninus) who according to Hislop ate children. In reality it's a Spanish corruption of the endonym of one of the first tribes encountered by the Spanish conquerors in America, and was not a word used in antiquity – also, as I discussed in my Baal post, the worship of Baal did not involve cannibalism. This specific claim of Hislop's is popular with the adherents of prophetic doomsday cult slash wannabe terrorist group QAnon today, and shows up on their “redpilling” graphics. -Ninus was also Cronos; Cronos' name therefore meant “horned one” in reference to Mesopotamian bull/horned crown iconography and many superficially similar gods from all over the world were the same as him - note the similarity to Margaret Murray's obsession with her made up idea of worldwide worship of a “horned god” (later incorporated into Wicca). -Phaeton, Orpheus and Aesculapius are the same figure and analogous to Lucifer (and in turn to Ninus) -giants are real and they're satanists (or were, I think Hislop argues they're dead already). They are (were?) also servants of Ninus. -as an all around charming individual Hislop made sure to include a plethora of comments decrying the practices of various groups at random as digressions while presenting his ridiculous theories – so, while learning about the forbidden history of Easter, one can also learn why the author thinks Yezidi are satanists, for example -last but not least, the very sign of the cross is not truly christian but constitutes the worship of Tammuz, aka Ninus (slowly losing track of how many figures were regarded as one and the same as him by Hislop). Based on the summary above it's safe to say that Hislop's claim is incorrect – and, arguably, malevolent (and as such deserves scrutiny, not further possibilities for spreading). However, this doesn't answer the question where does the name of Easter actually come from? As I noted in the beginning, in English (and also German) it's a bit of an oddity – it  actually was derived from a preexisting pagan term, at least if we are to believe the word of the monk Bede, who in the 8th century wrote that the term is a derivative of “Eosturmonath,” eg. “month of Eostre” - according to him a goddess. There are no known inscriptions mentioning such a goddess from the British Isles or beyond, though researchers involved in reconstructing proto-indo-european language assume that “Eostre” would logically be a derivative of the same term as  the name of the Greek Eos and of the vedic Ushas, and the Austriahenae goddesses from Roman inscriptions from present day Germany  – eg.  a word simply referring to dawn, and by extension to a goddess embodying it. This is a sound, well researched theory, so while early medieval chroniclers sometimes cannot be trusted, I see no reason to doubt Bede's account.

While Ushas is a prominent goddess in the Vedas, Eos was rather marginal in Greek religion (see her Theoi entry for details), and it's hard to tell to what degree Bede's Eostre was similar to either of them beyond plausibly being a personification of dawn. Of course, the hypothetical proto-indo-european dawn goddess all of these could be derived from would have next to nothing to do with Ishtar. While the history of the name of Easter (though not the celebration itself) is undeniably interesting, I suppose it lacks the elements which make the fake Ishtar claim a viral hit – the connection is indirect, and an equivalent of the Greek Eos isn't exactly exciting (Eos herself is, let be honest, remembered at best as an obscure part of the Odyssey), while Ishtar is understood by many as “wicked” sex goddess (a simplification, to put it very lightly) which adds a scandalous, sacrilegious dimension to the baffling lie, explaining its appeal to Dawkins' fans, arguably. As demonstrated above, Hislop's theories are false and adapting them for any new context – be it christian, atheist or neopagan – won't change that, but are there any genuine examples of, well, “hidden Ishtars”? If that's the part of the summary which caught your attention, rejoice – there is a plenty of these to be found in Bronze Age texts. I'd go as far as saying that most of ancient middle eastern cultures from that era felt compelled to include an Ishtar ersatz in their pantheons. Due to the popularity of the original Ishtar, she was almost a class of figures rather than a single figure – a situation almost comparable to modern franchising, when you think about it. The following figures can be undeniably regarded as “Ishtar-like” in some capacity or even as outright analogs:

Astarte (or Ashtart, to go with a more accurate transcription of the oldest recorded version of the name) – the most direct counterpart of Ishtar there is: a cognate of her own name. Simply, put Astarte is the “Levantine”equivalent of the “Mesopotamian” Ishtar. In the city of Mari, the names were pretty much used interchangeably, and some god lists equate them, though Astarte had a fair share of distinct traits. In Ugaritic mythology, which forms the core of our understanding of the western Semitic deities, she was a warrior and hunter (though it's possible that in addition to conventional weapons she was also skilled at wielding curses), and was usually grouped with Anat. Both of them were regarded as the allies of Baal, and assist him against his enemies in various myth. They also were envisioned to spend a lot of time together – one ritual calls them upon as a pair from distant lands where they're hunting together, while a fragmentary myth depicts both of them arriving in the household of the head god El and taking pity on Yarikh, the moon god, seemingly treated as a pariah. Astarte's close relation to Baal is illustrated by her epithet, “face of Baal” or “of the name of Baal.” They were often regarde as a couple and even late, Hellenic sources preserve a traditional belief that Astarte and “Adados” (Baal) ruled together as a pair. In some documents from Ugarit concerned with what we would call foreign policy today they were invoked together as the most prominent deities. It's therefore possible that she had some role related to human politics. She was regarded as exceptionally beautiful and some texts favorably describe mortal women's appearance by comparing them to Astarte. In later times she was regarded as a goddess of love, but it's unclear if that was a significant aspect of her in the Bronze Age. It's equally unclear if she shared Ishtar's astral character – in Canaan there were seemingly entirely separate dawn and dusk deities. Despite clamis you might see online, Astarte was not the same as the mother goddess Asherah. In the Baal cycle they actually belong to the opposing camps. Additionally, the names are only superficially similar (one starts with an aleph, the other with an ayin) and have different etymology. Also, that famous sculpture of a very blatantly Minoan potnia theron? Ugaritic in origin but not a depiction of either Astarte or Asherah.

The Egyptians, due to extensive contact with Canaan and various Syrian states in the second half of the Bronze Age, adapted Astarte (and by extension Anat) into their own pantheon. Like in Ugarit, her warrior character was emphasized. An Egyptian innovation was depicting her as a cavalry goddess of sorts – associated with mounted combat and chariots. In Egypt, Ptah, the head god of Memphis and divine craftsman, was regarded as her father. In most texts, Astarte is part of Seth's inner circle of associates – however, in this context Seth wasn't the slayer of Osiris, but a heroic storm god similar to Baal. The so-called Astarte papyrus presents an account of a myth eerily similar to the Ugaritic battle between Baal and Yam – starring Seth as the hero, with Astarte in a supporting role resembling that played by Shaushka, another Ishtar analog, in the Hittite song of Hedammu, which will be discussed below.

Shaushka – a Hurrian and Hittite goddess whose name means “the magnificent one” in the Hurrian language. Hurrian was widely spoken in ancient Mesopotamia and Anatolia (and in northernmost parts of the Levant – up to one fifth of personal names from Ugaritic documents were Hurrian iirc), but has no descendants today and its relation to any extant languages is uncertain. In Hittite texts she was often referred to with an “akkadogram” denoting Ishtar's name (or its Sumerian equivalent) instead of a phonetic  spelling of her own (there was an analogous practice regarding the sun gods), while in Egyptian and Syrian texts there are a few references to “Ishtar Hurri” - “Ishtar of the Hurrians” - who is argued by researchers to be one and the same as Shaushka. Despite Shaushka's Hurrian name and her prominence in myths popular both among Hittites and Hurrians, her main cult center was the Assyrian city of Nineveh, associated with Ishtar herself as well, and there were relatively few temples dedicated to her in the core Hittite sphere of influence in Anatolia. Curiously, both the oldest reference to Shaushka and to the city of Nineveh come from the same text, stating that a sheep was sacrificed to her there. While most of her roles overlap with Ishtar's (she too was associated with sex, warfare and fertility), here are two distinct features of Shaushka that set her apart as unique: one is the fact she was perceived in part as a masculine deity, despite being consistently described as a woman – in the famous Yazılıkaya reliefs she appears twice, both among gods and goddesses. In Alalakh she was depicted in outfits combining elements of male and female clothing. Similar fashion preferences were at times attributed to Ninshubur, the attendant of Ishtar's Sumerian forerunner Inanna – though in that case they were likely the result of conflation of Ninshubur with the male messenger deity Papsukkal, while in the case of Shaushka the dual nature seems to be inherent to her (I haven't seen any in depth study of this matter yet, sadly, so I can't really tell confidently which modern term in my opinion describes Shaushka's character the best). Her two attendants, musician goddesses Ninatta and Kulitta, do not share it. Shaushka's other unique niche is her role in exorcisms and incantations, and by extension with curing various diseases – this role outlived her cult itself, as late Assyrian inscriptions still associated the “Ishtar of Nineveh” (at times viewed as separate from the regular Ishtar) with healing. It can be argued that even her sexual aspect was connected to healing, as she was invoked to cure impotence. The most significant myth in which she appears is the cycle dedicated to documenting the storm god's (Teshub for the Hurrians, Tarhunna for the Hittites) rise to power. Shaushka is depicted as his sister and arguably most reliable ally, and plays a prominent role in two sections in particular – the Song of Hedammu and the Song of Ullikummi. In the former, she seemingly comes up with an elaborate plan to defeat a new enemy of her brother - the sea monster Hedammu - by performing a seductive dance and song montage (with her attendants as a support act) and offering an elixir to him. The exact result is uncertain, but Hedammu evidently ends up vanquished. In the latter, she attempts to use the same gambit against yet another new foe, the “diorite man” Ullikummi – however, since he is unfeeling like a rock, she fails; some translators see this passage as comedic. However, elsewhere in the Song, the storm god's main enemy Kumarbi and his minions view Shaushka as a formidable warrior, and in the early installment of the cycle, Song of LAMMA, she seemingly partakes in a fight. In another myth, known only from a few fragments and compared to the Sumerian text “Inanna and the huluppu tree,” Shaushka takes care of “Ḫašarri” -  a personification of olive oil, or a sentient olive tree. It seems that she has to protect this bizarre entity from various threats. While Shaushka lived on in Mesopotamia as “Ishtar of Nineveh,” this was far from the only “variant”of Ishtar in her homeland.

Nanaya was another such goddess. A few Sumerian hymns mention her alongside Inanna, the Sumerian equivalent of Ishtar, by the time of Sargon of Akkad virtually impossible to separate from her. As one composition puts it, Nanaya was “properly educated by holy Inana” and “counselled by holy Inana.” Initially she was most likely a part of Inanna's circle of deities in her cult center, Uruk, though due to shared character they eventually blurred together to a large degree. Just like Inanna/Ishtar, Nanaya was a goddess of love, described as beautiful and romantically and sexually active, and she too had an astral character. She was even celebrated during the same holidays as Inanna. Some researchers go as far as suggest Nanaya was only ever Inanna/Ishtar in her astral aspect alone and not a separate goddess. However, there is also evidence of her, Inanna and the sky god An being regarded as a trinity of distinct tutelary deities in Uruk. Additionally, king Melishipak's kudurru shown above shows both Nanaya (seated) and Ishtar/Inanna (as a star). Something peculiar to Nanaya was her later association with the scribe god Nabu. Sometimes Nabu's consort was the the goddess Tashmetu instead, but I can't find any summary explaining potential differences between them – it seems just like Nanaya, she was a goddess of love, including its physical aspects. Regardless of the name used to describe Nabu's wife, she was regarded as a sage and scribe like him – this arguably gives her a distinct identity she lacked in her early role as part of Inanna's circle. As the above examples demonstrate, the popularity of the “Ishtar type” was exceptional in the Bronze Age – but is it odd from a modern perspective? The myths dedicated to her are still quite fun to read today – much like any hero of ancient imagination she has a plethora of adversaries, a complex love life (not to mention many figures not intended to be read as her lovers originally but described in such terms that it's easy to see them this way today – including other women), a penchant for reckless behavior – and most importantly a consistent, easy to summarize character. She shouldn't be a part of modern mass consciousness only because of false 19th century claims detached from her actual character (both these from Hislop's works and “secular”claims about her purported “real”character based on flimsy reasoning and shoddy sources) – isn't a female character who is allowed to act about the same way as male mythical figures do without being condemned for it pretty much what many modern mythology retellings try to create? Further reading: On Astarte: -entry in the Iconography of Deities and Demons in Ancient Near East database by Izak Cornelius -‛Athtart in Late Bronze Age Syrian Texts by Mark S. Smith -ʿAthtartu’s Incantations and the Use of Divine Names as Weapons by Theodore J. Lewis -The Other Version of the Story of the Storm-god’s Combat with the Sea in the Light of Egyptian, Ugaritic, and Hurro-Hittite Texts by Noga Ayali-Darshan -for a summary of evidence that Astarte has nothing to do with Asherah see A Reassessment of Asherah With Further Considerations of the Goddess by Steve A. Wiggins On Shaushka: -Adapting Mesopotamian Myth in Hurro-Hittite Rituals at Hattuša: IŠTAR, the Underworld, and the Legendary Kings by Mary R. Bacharova -Ishtar seduces the Sea-serpent. A new join in the epic of Ḫedammu (KUB 36, 56 + 95) and its meaning for the battle between Baal and Yam in Ugaritic tradition by Meindert Dijkstra -Ištar of Nineveh Reconsidered by Gary Beckman -Shaushka, the Traveling Goddess by Graciela Gestoso Singer -Hittite Myths by Harry A. Hoffner jr. -The Hurritic Myth about Šaušga of Nineveh and Ḫašarri (CTH 776.2) by Meindert Dijkstra -The West Hurian Pantheon and its Background by Alfonso Archi On Nanaya: -entry in Brill’s New Pauly by Thomas Richter -entry from the Ancient Mesopotamian Gods and Goddesses project by Ruth Horry -A tigi to Nanaya for Ishbi-Erra from The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature -A balbale to Inana as Nanaya from The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature -More Light on Nanaya by Michael P. Streck and Nathan Wasserman -More on the Nature and History of the Goddess Nanaya by Piotr Steinkeller A few introductory Ishtar/Inanna myths: -Inanna's descent to the netherworld -Inanna and the huluppu tree -Inanna and Enki -Enki and the world order -Inanna and Ebih -Dumuzid and Enkimdu

[chloelucia13]

Chapter 17: The Flayed

Pairing: Jonathan Byers x Henderson!reader

Prompt:  You always thought Hawkins was the most boring town of all, stuck in a vacuum void of excitement and entertainment. Well, it seems that way until the world decided to flip upside down, literally.

Chapter Summary: After what had occurred the night before, everyone was on edge. However, when everyone is grouped back together to combat this monster that was once thought to be gone, things take a dark turn.

Warnings: more angst bc what else do you expect from me, the tiniest bit of fluff if you squint, language, violence, gore, descriptions of possession

Word Count: 2441

A/N: We're getting close to the end of season 3!!! I've got a lot of ideas planned for the finale, and I've also been thinking about maybe posting some filler drabbles for the story while we wait for season 4! Let me hear your opinions and head canons, and as always, my taglists and requests are open!

Tags: @just-my-fandom​ @nightbu-g​

The cold concrete of the warehouse made your skin sting, nipping at the exposed flesh despite the nearly-impermeable humidity that blanketed the air. 

You couldn’t force yourself to move, staring idly at the mind flayer that laid just feet from you as you thought of what occurred between you and Jonathan earlier in the night.

You knew it was wrong, it was stupid and impulsive and damaging. And it wasn’t you. If you were in your right mind, you never would’ve even gotten close to kissing him. You would’ve never betrayed Nancy.

Maybe it was a good thing that the creature took over when it did. If it didn’t, you truly couldn’t imagine what else would have taken place. 

The creature lifted its head slightly as you thought of it, reminiscent of a dog that heard the crinkling of a wrapper. A mutant, rotting dog that made you nauseous whenever you looked at it. But now, staring at it was the only thing that kept you grounded, keeping you in the horrifying reality that you were unfortunately living in.

It was moments like these, your mind caught in a loop of morbid curiosity, that you wished you had El’s powers. The ability to look into people’s lives without anyone else being aware of it. You just wanted, for a moment, to check on Jonathan and make sure he was okay. Though, you couldn’t decide if you wanted to stay away to keep him safe or if you wanted to keep yourself safe.

As the creature settled back onto the ground, you let out a huff and silently cursed yourself for getting into this situation (well, whatever this situation was).

***

“Are you positive?” Nancy questioned, everyone eyeing Jonathan worriedly. 

After coming to the conclusion that Billy’s surge of power was linked with what Nancy saw happen to Mrs. Driscoll that same night, Jonathan had realized that what happened with you also fell into that same time period and also sounded extremely similar. He debated bringing it up at all, but knowing that this put so many people at risk, he spoke about it. 

He explained to everyone what happened with you last night (minus the kiss, for obvious reasons), claiming that you seemed normal until you just... weren’t. He also noted the black veins that were present on Billy and Mrs. Driscoll as well, another thing that held many similarities to Will’s case last year.

“Yes, I’m positive,” Jonathan responded, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Did she feel cold?” Mike asked, his brows furrowing.

Jonathan froze for a moment, panicking at the question’s possible insinuation. He thought back to the night before, feeling your lips against his and the gentle touch of your fingers on the back of his neck. He didn’t remember you feeling cold, but at the same time, he wasn’t really focused on the temperature of your skin when it was pressed on his.

He shook his head and shrugged. “I-I don’t know. Like I said, she seemed normal. And she was wearing a sweater and jeans, too.”

This made Max look at his confusedly. “Why would she be wearing a sweater and jeans in the middle of summer?” she pondered. “Especially if she’s one of the flayed, she’d want to stay as cool as possible.”

Nancy gnawed on her bottom lip as she thought. “She knows how we got the mind flayer out of Will,” Nancy began. “Do you think... She’s trying to sweat it out?”

Again, Jonathan shrugged. “Whatever it is, we need to find her and get this thing out of her. Out of all of them.”

***

The search for you, Billy, and Heather had led the group to the Holloway house. After walking through the hallway and into the kitchen, they stumbled upon a slew of cleaning products and other chemicals scattered along the surfaces, the containers crushed as if they were emptied hastily.

As everyone discussed the possibility of the flayed consuming these chemicals to make a new substance within themselves, Jonathan’s mind once again wandered back to the previous night. There was no way that the same Y/N who ate ice cream with him less than 24 hours ago had also ingested copious amounts of cleaning products. It just didn’t make sense to him.

He didn’t have much time to think about it, though, as Nancy led the group through the dining room and into the living room. She glanced at the wine bottle that was discarded on the floor before kneeling down in front of a puddle of a red substance. “Blood,” she whispered, glancing over at Jonathan when he knelt beside her. “Yesterday, Tom had a bandage on his forehead.”

As Jonathan watched Nancy slowly pick up the blood-stained wine bottle, he was struggling to wrap his mind around the fact that you hurt someone, or at least assisted someone in doing so. 

“He was attacked,” Nancy continued. Nancy began to walk, following the trail of drag marks and disturbed rugs that led to the garage where a pile of rope laid. “They must have tied them. They must have taken them somewhere.” Nancy stood silently, thinking for a moment. Mrs. Driscoll, she kept saying ‘I have to go back.’ What if the flaying, it’s taking place somewhere else. There must be a place where this all started, right? A source.”

“Somewhere he didn’t want me to see,” El added.

“If we can find the source, then maybe we can stop them. Or at least stop it from spreading, or whatever the hell they’re doing with those chemicals.”

“How do we find it?”

“Mrs. Driscoll,” Will spoke. “If she wants to go back so badly, why don’t we let her?”

“Okay, but this doesn’t make sense,” Jonathan argued, unable to pull his eyes from the rope that laid at his feet. “Y/N wouldn’t be able to hurt someone, let alone tie them up and drag them god-knows-where.”

“Jonathan, this isn’t Y/N,” Nancy argued.

He huffed. “Last night, when she changed, I tried to stop her from leaving because I was worried. I-I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I needed to help her, so I grabbed her arm.” He gulped. “She begged me to let her go. She said that she didn’t want to hurt me.”

A silence fell over the whole group as his words sunk in.

“Maybe she can control herself around you. But around other people, she can’t keep the flayer from taking over,” Nancy spoke finally, reaching out and touching his shoulder. “But you’re her weakness. And that’s gonna help us a lot.”

***

Silently watching Mrs. Driscoll’s body melt and condense into a meaty mush made you want to retch, but your body stood stock still as the lump inched from the room and down into the pipes. Once the mass disappeared from sight, you wandered out of the room, down the hall, and out into the stairwell, aimlessly walking down the stairs to pass time as you waited for whatever task the mind flayer would assign you next.

For once, you wish you were working at the pool, boiling under the scorching July sun. At least you’d have something to do.

Those thoughts left as soon as they came, however, when that strong fog began to flood your mind, your body switching onto autopilot as your feet led you onto the second floor.

A sharp pain stabbed through the right side of your head as you were about to turn the corner, doubling over in pain and clutching your head as you heard quick footsteps coming down the stairs. Immediately, you straightened up and jogged down the hallway, grabbing a pair of scissors from a nurse’s station before rushing into the wing of the hospital that was under construction and slipping into a room.

You heard the heavy footfalls sprint past your door, followed by another flayed that stalked slowly behind them. You stepped out of the room and walked beside him, tightly clutching the pair of scissors in your hand as the lights flickered around you.

The man beside you led you both over to a locked door, two voices echoing through the door. You nodded your head at the door and he slammed his fist through the glass, screams sounding from the two within the room as he peeked his head in before undoing the lock. As he pulled the door open, you stepped inside, a sinister grin on your face.

But that grin immediately fell when you saw who exactly was behind the door.

The man pushed past you, disregarding your clear shock as he threatened Nancy in a sing-song voice. Jonathan, who clearly was also reeling with shock but shoved it down, stepped forward and pulled his fist back, ready to attack the man. the man’s hand shot out and grabbed onto Jonathan’s neck, choking Jonathan and shoving Nancy away with his free hand.

The flayer’s control faded from your mind and you took advantage of it, hurrying over to Nancy and trying to help her up. “Y/N?” she coughed out, her eyes wide with fear. 

“You have to go,” you forced out, using as much strength as you could muster to pull her to her feet while also fighting to keep your consciousness. 

Behind you, you heard a groan of pain coming from Jonathan, and you and Nancy turned to look just in time to see the man slam a metal stool down on Jonathan’s back.

Nancy finally got onto her feet and you threw your scissors to the ground when you felt the flayer’s control slowly start to seep back into you. Through blurry vision, you watched Nancy take the scissors you discarded and embed them into the back of the man. 

You and the man hunched over, and you let out a groan of pain as he pulled the scissors from his back. The man cursed at her, quickly regaining his composure and stalking over to her. 

“Run!” you and Jonathan screamed at her, and you waited until she had led the man out of the room to go run over to Jonathan and help him.

"Jonathan,” you whispered, crouching down next to him and gently resting your hand on his back. “Are you okay?”

He gasped in pain, turning his head to look up at you. “What’s going on? How are you-” he began before you shook your head.

“I don’t know. Come on, let’s get you up.” You pulled the stool over to him and he gripped onto it, lifting his upper half up with all his might.

Moments later, the stool fell from his grip, Tom menacingly grinning down at the two of you. “Where are you going?” he hummed, nudging you to the side so he could pick Jonathan up by his shirt.

“Let him go!” you screeched, stumbling to your feet.

Tom held Jonathan by the collar of his shirt, locking eyes with him before glancing back at you. “Let him go? Sure.” He picked Jonathan up and threw him into the lockers, Jonathan’s body falling to the linoleum floor a moment later. Tom picked him up once more and threw his body into a cart, letting his body crumple to the ground.

You watched in horror as Jonathan crawled along the floor towards the pair of scissors, your whole body exhausted from all the strength it was taking to keep the monster at bay. Tom knelt beside Jonathan and grabbing him by the hair, lifting his face from the ground before slamming it down.

Once Jonathan finally fell unconscious, if only for a few moments, Tom grabbed the scissors and lifted them over his head.

“I’m in control of you! Stop!” you screamed, allowing the creature to take hold, black veins snaking up your face and arms. “Leave him alone.”

Tom turned to you, the scissors still held above his head. Tears streaked down your face as you glanced down at Jonathan, your vision slowly going dark. 

However, before the creature fully took hold, a harsh pain cracked across your face, making you cry out in pain. You clutched your nose and watched Tom stumble away, only for the two of you to be tossed around by another strong force.

Jonathan and Tom both scrambled to their feet, the scissors held tightly in Jonathan’s hand. Jonathan hesitated though, looking down at you on the floor. He had realized that whatever happened to one of the flayed was felt by all of them, and that meant that whatever he did to Tom, you would feel as well. 

“Do it,” you gasped out, rising to your feet with the gracefulness of a newborn fawn. 

“I don’t want to hurt-” Jonathan stuttered.

“Do it!” you screamed.

Tom lunged at him, and Jonathan plunged the scissors into Tom’s throat. Both you and Tom let out a ghastly gasp/moan of pain as you collapsed onto the floor.

As the lights continued to flicker overhead, Jonathan rushed over to you and turned you onto your back, clutching you in his arms.

Your eyes searched his, both of your chests heaving with ragged pants while you both silently communicated to each other.

“You need to go, I can’t control it anymore,” you choked out before rolling out of his arms and crawled over to Tom’s body. The two of you silently watched as Tom’s body began to convulse and turn to that all-too-familiar mush (well, familiar to you, at least). Jonathan let out a gasp of horror, though his eyebrows furrowed in slight confusion when your body didn’t do the same.

He realized then that his theory was right. You were different than all of the other flayers. On one hand, he was relieved because he knew it was truly you. On the other hand, though, it horrified him that it was you who committed all of these horrible acts. That, and the fact that you somehow had control over these creatures truly made his skin crawl.

He realized he didn’t have much time to dwell on it because the strange mush of blood and meat and bones slowly began to inch out of the room the same time that your eyes fluttered closed. He contemplated staying to check on you, but decided against it after a moment, instead following behind the disgusting mass.

A strange sense of calm washed over him when he saw Nancy standing at the other end of the hallway, following her own strange substance. Silently, the two masses led the two teens down the hallway, joining together in the middle and morphing into something even more sinister.

[asexualzoro]

list of reasons i find Brook ridiculous

for brook’s birthday, ive decided to follow up my other two posts of this genre by dragging yet another idiot swordsman. i have everybrook open on my phone next to me. here we go

- first and foremost his most ridiculous crime is existing. as he’s already so ridiculous as a character, im going to talk only about things hes done

- i want to know, did Brook make a conscious effort to change his laugh to sound like his favorite song? how long did it take? what was the in between period like? what did his crew have to say about this? the rumbar pirates were big on playful teasing, did they let Brook live this down? 

- ALTERNATIVELY: was brook’s laugh already like that? is that why bink’s sake is his favorite song? is that why it was York’s favorite-- oh we only made it two bullet points before i made myself sad

- relatedly i cannot make fun of anything Brook did in his backstory it will make me too sad. hes spared for now

- i DO want to say from a writing standpoint its so fucking ridiculous to me that he mentions twice being a convoy captain in the past and it never comes up again. oda?? why even bother to include something that cool if you weren't even going to do anything with it?? you could have said hes just always been a pirate but no. oda?? oda

- there was that bit where a bunch of people thought Brook was satan and addressed him as such (i think Satan-sama in the original, and the translation i read was like... Lord Satan or Lord Demon or something). not only did Brook never correct them, but he also ran with it and later used this case of mistaken identity as a reason to threaten to eat a man’s heart 

- also both men and women were showing him their underwear in that bit. bi rights

- those satanists let Brook get kidnapped while saying they would try to summon him back. do you think they're still at it

- Brook is older than... basically every old man in the series. Garp, Whitebeard, Rayleigh... all of them. something about that is so weird to me and i cannot place why

- Brook has seen and can prove the existence of an afterlife in One Piece canon and its then never addressed again

- Brook missed so many huge events while being dead. im looking at a timeline rn and these include the obvious, like, roger’s execution and subsequent effect on in-world culture and society and whatever. but also things like the destruction of ohara (which was in his home sea), the founding of the world power known as the revolutionary army (which was about 20yrs ago), and the births of every other member of his crew. wack

- he seems to know about stuff related to the pirate king post time skip, and i wonder if thats because someone told him or he’s just playing along now. maybe he just thinks Luffy made up the term pirate king cuz it sounds cool and he wants to support his captain’s interests

- if he DID ask though, like, who did he ask? his managers? did he pull aside some fan asking for an autograph at a concert like “hey, you look like a knowledgable young lad, mind helping me out?”

- i would love to be there when someone takes the time to explain roger, the pirate king, raffle, the One Piece.... and Brook asks them “what is the One Piece?”.... and someone has to look him in the eye (...or not) and tell him “i don't know” 

- Brook has technically died of fright (his soul left his body), like... at least once? it was luffy’s fault

- Brook was an urban legend on the florian triangle and i doubt he even knows that about himself

- when they're heading to fishmen island Brook gets all scared when they encounter a possible ghost ship and Usopp slaps him

- when captured by big mom he sleeps so godamn soundly and securely that he is harder to wake up than she is and this fact nearly gets a bunch of his crew killed

- Brook is the only character i can think of who has ever broken the fourth wall. he only did it once. maybe seeing the afterlife means he now knows hes in a manga. or maybe being isolated for 50 years just made his head be not screwed on right

- speaking of, there’s a bit in WCI at the wedding where Brook is decapitated. i don't know how it goes in the anime, but in the manga like... no one is shown to have decapitated him. his head just pops off. maybe he was just having fun

- also the bit where he rips the fake face off in wci. when someone calls him gross he cries

- there’s a bit in fishmen island where Brook is trying to ask Nami if he can see her panties (disgusting bastard) and he inadvertently protects her from being dehydrated by some guy they were fighting. except the panel setup reminds me a lot of / mimics ace protecting Luffy from Akainu, and it haunts me

- speaking of bits from fishmen island that haunt me, there's a page where it’s strongly implied Brook fucked a mermaid (maybe two). i will of course include the page here

- yeah. sorry. 

- when Brook first meets the strawhats he invites himself inside because “it’s cold out!” but he later admits in punk hazard that he cant feel cold. he was just lying

- no one introduces himself to Brook except Luffy for the entirety of thriller bark

- half related, Franky cradles Brook in his arms / carries Brook around for like a full scene in thriller bark 

- there's a link two second bit in film gold where the crew is just relaxing while they're planning for how they're going to get Zoro back and they're all shown eating burgers from pirate mcdonalds or whatever. and Brook is eating a burger and hes so messy that hes got burger on his forehead, and Franky is next to him just looking at him

- Brook also wears fake skin in that movie

- Brook has a running gag where he gets upset when things refuse to eat him and i was going to make a joke about it but im wondering if maybe hes just afraid of being left behind........ made myself sad again

- he cries when a dragon won't eat him tho

- Brook admits to reading monster hentai when talking to Sanji and Kin’emon and if i have to be burdened with knowing that so do you

- when hes trying to figure out the weakness of the zombies on thriller bark he overhears one ate a salted fish and lost its shadow and immediately assumes “oh, must have been the fish!” idiot man

- where does his sword cane go when hes not using it. it just appears. where does he store it

- there's a bit where the strawhats all use a combo attack at thriller bark and the first step is firing an electrically charged Brook in a slingshot through oars/oz. he ends up in a wall and no one ever pulls him out. i don't even think the manga shows how he got down

- enemies post time skip regularly assume Brook is dead when they manage to knock the crew out and it makes me wonder how popular of a rock star Brook actually was

- Brook goes on a mini rant to no one while they're descending to fisherman island where he wonders aloud how he sees without eyes and it makes me lose it

- this isn't Brook technically but Nekomamushi is based on a song Brook’s voice actor wrote about his cat.

- Brook literally doesn't have a brain. like i know we all know that but its so fucking funny. we make jokes about other strawhats only having one braincell or whatever but Brook straight up 100% just has a seashell where his brain is supposed to be 

-  why does he have rubber glove looking hands when hes haunting the castle at wano i fucking hate them

- relatedly, there’s a bit where Brook mentions he’s been, at kinemon’s interaction, sitting in a well for like... possibly days? is he okay

- honestly i love everything about Brook’s actions as a ghost in wano bc its so fucking funny but my FAVORITE fact is that Brook is in the wikipedia article about starving skeletons

im leaving you with that. appreciate ur local skeleton today

[thinata]

so basically i decided to stop wasting my life with my ed.

(i'm french so english is not my first language that's why u can find awkward grammar and spelling mistakes :) )

i’m trying to recover step by step. i tried a lot of things but obv it wasn’t real solutions, all i did was to relapsed and convincing myself that starving was a good thing and food is a problem. i want to eat to live not live to eat. i like cooking though but i want to stop spending my whole day thinking about my next meal or next workout.

i want to go out with people without stressing about the fact that we’re gonna order food and that i wouldn’t know the exact calories in it. i want to spend a day doing nothing but still eating the same amount of calories i did during days i had a workout. i want to make plans for my future, not a future around food or the way my body looks. a real future about my goals and ambitions. i want to become someone for myself first and then for others. and all of this is possible only if i trust my body. and i want to trust it.

i will still try to lose weight but more in an intuitive kind of way. no restrictions. no calories counting. no over exercising. no “fast day” aka starving day. i know since the day i got my ed that the habits i built weren’t sustainable. i lost weight, but i regained all the weight and even more because when i wanted to start living a real life i couldn’t. because i had no energy. no real goals over the fact i “want to be skinny”.

i know how it feels to be skinny. i weighed 42kg (92 pounds) for 168cm (5’6) . i could wear any clothes. fit in size 0 jeans with a belt. but besides that i wasn’t happy. my hair were fucking damaged. i fucked up my knees (bc i used to run and lifted weights). i lost my period -i was happy at first but it just cause a major hormonal imbalance in my body-. my acne got worse too. i was always tired -trying to function properly on caffeine u know-. i cancelled so many plans with my friends bc “i wouldn’t be able to workout if i met them that day, and i would have to eat more than i’m supposed to”. i love sports since i’m a kid and even though i was working out every day i didn’t get stronger bc i didn’t ate enough. i was just burning fat, muscles and probably more. but at least i could control something. i didn’t get more friends though. i didn’t travel like i thought i would do because u know, i thought that if i lost weight i can “do anything”. i didn’t spend more time with the people i loved. i didn’t had “more time for my hobbies”. it was nothing like i expected except the fact that you could see my bones. all my life was controlled and plan around “food and burning calories”. and i know we are all different but i’m sure a lot of people will recognize themselves in it.

i’m posting this because maybe someone will found it and realized that starving and over exercising and any others unhealthy way to lose weight is useless. it will never makes you happy. never ever. because we are human beings and we need to eat. we live in a society where body image put a lot of pressure on people (especially women) but it’s the same society where hanging out and eating with friends makes us feel better and create memories. food is not dangerous and it's everywhere and i believe that everything in life is about finding a balance.

also. maybe my body is not made to have a thigh gap, but he’s made to have strong thighs because i’m someone who love walking and hiking and swimming and running and discover the world. he’s also not made to have sharp collarbones but he’s made to have really strong shoulders bc i’ve been swimming since i’m 6yo and i’m really grateful for it. if a part of our body can’t be like we wish it would even after STARVING and killing ourselves it’s for a reason !

anyway, and then after 9 months of “fake happiness” thinking that being skinny would make me feel better, i took all the weight back (and more :) ) .

my relationship with my parents especially my father was never good. i don’t wanna go deeper into the matter (that's for another story) but to be short, just imagine the worst things in a human being : that’s my father. i’m almost 22 and i finally cut ties with him and i’m living by myself FOR myself. why i’m saying that? because i think that’s when everything change for me that i choose to truly recover. and the environment you are in is really really REALLY important. you can’t grow up mentally and physically if you are surrounded and controlled by toxic people. - life’s not easy, i’m trying to found a proper job because i can’t depend on my parents anymore for the money (actually my father did everything for me to depend on him financially so i could never live by myself, but i have friends who are housing (?) me and i could never be enough grateful for it.)

i’m someone who hates to depend on others but sometimes you have to put your ego down to become the person you truly want to be. and i know it’s a temporary situation.

anyway back on the topic! since i’m far from those toxic people i decided to recover. i post an update about my weightloss yesterday and yes i did lost weight since i’m in this new place (understand : healthier environment). like i said some of my unhealthy thoughts and habits goes back to the surface sometimes but it's a part of the process. that's why i'm gonna run another blog about recovery.

i'm gonna keep this one though. it's my last post and i won't reblog anything else. the reason i'm not deleting it is because i wan't people to see that i've been there too. i reblogged and posted unhealthy things. i had unhealthy goals and got inspired by things that are not me and could never be me. but it's okay because you can't fix a problem if you don't aknowledge it.

ily <3

[soooldout]

201027 Sungyeol is Back Vlive with Sunggyu

He started the show with a military style greeting, and then continued with 'hello everyone, I'm Infinite's Sungyeol!'

He said that it was awkward for him to host the show alone, so he invited a special guest…Infinite's Sunggyu!

SG: *greets*

SY: whoaaa an idol an idol

He said that it was awkward when he was in the military, when he and his military fellows watched TV together and saw Sunggyu wishing the Infinite members who were in the military strength “I saw someone who I usually saw on a daily basis on TV! I didn't know what to feel. You knew how we feel and yet you said something like that jokingly”

SG: I really meant to give you strength though, not to tease you!

SG: How do you feel now

Sungyeol said he got discharged from military and society in general was awkward for him …he's still trying to get used to being a part of society (and not 'isolated' when he's in the military) He was doing whatever he was told and now after so long he can do whatever he wants

SG: Do you want me to order you around then? (afkljdsg;h)

Sungyeol said that he regretted that he didn’t follow Sunggyu when he enlisted. He thought that it would’ve been much better to go through the hardship with Sunggyu by his side

Sunggyu said he had recommended to all members to go enlist together but either Woohyun/Sungyeol said "Hyung, just go first~ we'll go later"

They argued a bit about the above and Sungyeol said, you want us to fight in front of the fans?

More bickering: They almost missed the vlive today coz Sungyeol was late to go to the hair salon, yeol is saying he ordered food and went to change and when he came back to the food he only found half of it…Sunggyu ate it and didn’t wait for him jaslkf;gs

Q: What is something you wanted to tell fans as soon as you get discharged?

SY: The fact that I cried..I found a side of me that I didn’t even know existed

Sungyeol said that he earned 7 minutes of phonecall after going through training for a month, and he called Sunggyu, his mom, CEO but no one picked up because it was an unknown number. He cried as he missed everyone so much. "I didn’t know that I was that much of a crybaby until then”

Sunggyu cried once, Woohyun cried a lot after enlisting too :(

Sunggyu’s finishing up the last performances of Kinky Boots and prepping for online concert.

They asked when is Halloween is then Sungyeol said Daeyeol asked him if it's ok for him to cosplay as Sungyeol for Halloween. Gyuyeol then said then Sungyeol can cosplay as Daeyeol for halloween, and sungyeol/'daeyeol' can 'join' golden child lmao

Q: 10 years ago after military you said you wanted to try trot, do you still have that thought now?

Sungyeol said he had that thought but the ceo turned it down. Sunggyu added that the ceo had his best interest in mind as trot may not be the best for his image. Sungyeol said he was ahead of his time because trot is the trend nowadays. Sunggyu agreed.

SY: if there's a chance I still wanna try (…….let him do what he wants please you haven’t learned your lesson yet ljy its been 10 yrs….)

Q: when did you miss your family the most?

SY: the moment I went in I missed everyone. not just my family.

SG: when did you miss/think of Sunggyu the most?

SY: The first day I was in the military!

He said pretty much every time Sunggyu did something, he thought 'did Sunggyu-hyung do this? did Sunggyu-hyung do that?'

Q: when in the military, when did you feel 'ah I’m part of Infinite'?

SY: basically said as soon as I entered. During the basic military training ceremony they even played Infinite songs, and everyone who saw me would do the naekkohaja gesture

Q: It would be good if you could do a solo fanmeet/album, when will that be?

SY: I would like that too, but I just finished military service (Sunggyu shot him saying that he could have started planning for this when he's still enlisted lmao and that he can do an online concert now)

Before enlisting Sungyeol said he'll try to be active on social media more frequently/longer, but he said he doesn’t know how to do it for a long time? Someone suggested in the comments to learn from Woohyun (yes please)

Sungyeol and Sungjong (or Woohyun? Not sure there are different translations for this part) lived in the same building. Sungyeol said Sungjong is so talkative these days, and he’s bored. He talked about how Sungjong suddenly came over to his place with coffee for him, ever since that day he's been going over to Sungyeol's place for meals almost everyday

Now that Sungyeol is discharged he was visiting his family and settling his own stuff. One day Sungjong asked him what he's doing, and that day Sungyeol happened to plan to visit his grandparents and sungjong went “OH REALLY? I WANNA GO TOO!”

Sungyeol thought, ok there's a familiar visitor his family would be glad to see him too. Turns out Sungjong was busily chatting nonstop during the entire 3 hour journey down (this is the cutest thing ever please)

Sungyeol is thankful that Sunggyu talked him out of enlisting in the navy

Q: did you count down to your discharge date?

SY: for these kind of things, time goes faster when you don’t keep thinking about it!

He also said that there were times even he doesn’t remember how many days he has left but when he searched his name you could see the "d-XXX" too

SG: Dongwoo’s discharge is on the 15th the same day as my online concert

SY: then we can do this together

SG: why me

SY: are you not Infinite?

SG: I am Infinite. I am Infinite’s leader!

SY: Then why don’t you want to do it

SG: Why are you making the decision alone!

gyuyeol just did a brief explanation/disclaimer that they may sound like they're quarrelling but it's basically just excited conversations because they haven’t hung out like this for a while 😊

SG: What does MBTI stand for?

SY: Mental Brain Tie/Tee Eye (lmaoo)

Sungyeol said he will do the test sometime.

*Sungyeol talking, Sunggyu reaches over to get food*

SY: excuse me I'm talking and you're eating??????

SG: Everyone we almost couldn’t make it for the live because Sungyeol was late! he left the shop at 6:30 and our live's at 7! He was eating too!

SY: I WAS NOT LATE that was my first meal! –

SY: and it’s been so long since I got to meet the fans so I wanted to do my hair nicely. And I didn’t even finish my food

Question about mint chocolate

Sungyeol doesn’t eat sweet stuff - chocolate/mint chocolate, cream etc. (for health reasons apparently)

Sungyeol talked about how well Sunggyu did in Kinky Boots

Q: to Sungyeol, musical <Return> is?

SY: a place where I can meet Sunggyu and it was an adventure for me and I met fans through it too

sg promoting <The Day> (his online concert) then said Sungyeol said he's gonna be present too so let's see whether he'll keep his promise

SY: of course. What shall we do when I’m there?

SG: ...let's have a meal?!?! (ok…lmao)

someone mentioned 'tell me 1st promise'

SY: do you remember?

SG: no. you're the one who said it

SY: ah was it the choochoo (train) one?

SG: you can do it (since you're the one who proposed it)

There was some chaos at this point with Sungyeol talking over him and Sunggyu said ‘ok Noisy’ kjlsgf;hgdkk

The following story was mentioned in the 10th anniversary live with Kim bros as well lmao he really won’t let this go:

There was a time when they went to a beach in Thailand and Sunggyu didn’t wanna go into the water because his condition was not good and he didn’t like water etc and Namu and Yeol went up and asked if he wanna go in but he said no. Namu left him alone but then Yeol went something like "LOL YEAH RIGHT" and threw Sunggyu into the water. And he lost his ring so he got really mad.

SG: I told you not to do it!

SY: You always say ‘no’…I thought you were lying and I was young and just wanted to do it

SG: Next time just listen to me

Q: What do you think about doing an exercising broadcast

SG: Yes, can you show your six pack…

SY: No, not to that extent

Q: what was the reason you became obsessed with working out?

SY: there wasn’t really a reason, simply because I did it regularly. e.g. regularly working out for a period of time then stopping, ~6 months later I was regularly working out again so I thought I might as well just make it a regular thing

SG: but what made you start?

*more bickering*

SY: it’s because you told me I have small shoulders

SY: Wow all we have done for an hour is fight

They talked about younger idols covering their songs and how amazed they were. They said thank you to everyone 💛

Q: Any fun incident from the military?

SG: The military is not fun as you guys think

SY: When I enlisted, the leader told the other soldiers not to pay attention to Sungyeol (As he is an idol and to not bother him) but that made him feel kind of lonely (aww)

Q: choose between going back to the military again or trainee days again?

SY: Wow. this is like asking to choose dad or mom

He chose trainee because he did his military really well so if he were to do it again he doesn’t know if he can do it as well as the first time. but he has lots of 'I could’ve done it better' moments during his trainee days so he'd rather do trainee period again and this time do it better

He said that when they were trainees, they were laying down on a rooftop watching the sky and saw fireworks. Apparently, there was Dream Concert happening nearby. He wondered if they would be able to perform at Dream Concert too someday (TT)

Q: Was there anything different about what you heard about the military and when you're actually there?

SY: the fact that I have to take care of myself more

Q: the thing you wanted to do the most in the military

SY said having a different exercise routine (bc you do the same thing everyday in military? idk)

sg: to Sungyeol, what is exercising?

SY: Something I have to do everyday

He said gyu turned him into a sinner on broadcast by saying that Sungyeol forced him to exercise (lmaooo)

Sungyeol's 'to-do' list:

- MBTI

- tell me 'choo-choo' win promise (YES FINALLY ITS BEEN 2.5 YRS)

- go on a trip

- do a dance from his musical audition

Sungyeol said when Sunggyu's enlistment had less than 100 days left, Sungyeol put some distance from Sunggyu because he was afraid if he was too close with gyu till he finished his military then he'd feel lonely when gyu discharged.

Then Sunggyu said "oh you're weaker than I expected"

 SY to SG: I wasn’t like you who had the thought of ‘when else will I be able to eat this much?’ In the military, I always kept in mind to manage myself, how to look even better when I get discharged

SG: but.. you ate chicken with mee?? (haha cuute)

SG: *reads out a question about Yeol performing as Freddie Mercury*

SY: *drinking water* *chokes* Someone took a video of that???

SG: Sungyeol prepared so hard for that performance when he doesn’t prepare that hard for our concerts..

Sungyeol wanted to do the men's health magazine photoshoot too he's sad he wasn't given that opportunity. (you can do it now…do everything now while Sunggyu has power)

Comment about how good he looks in his military uniform, and Sungyeol said, yes I know

Q: When do you miss the members most

SY: I saw Sunggyu and Woohyun quite a bit…the thing I miss most is the end of year fanmeeting and doing the New Year countdown together

They showed the cake that said ‘Let’s protect Inspirits now instead of the country’ and Sunggyu said to cheer for Sungyeol a lot

💛💛💛

Translations from yeolsprout, Lusneverland, naggyu, hoslastjuliet, jibeomiejjang on Twitter

[softluci]

omg, hey, how r u, hi, so nice to see u; welcome to my 3AM (now 6AM bc miss hellsite deleted everything) ramblings (which i will try to make as close to the original as possible); this one’s gonna be a Doozy

now that ap testing is over and i have more time to care about literally everything else, i realize that i . i am So Bad at taking care of myself. like, so bad. and i actually realized this months ago but i didn't have this account months ago and i didn't think of this months ago so—

((i was debating whether or not to limit this to gen z but i know it isn't just us who do this; or maybe that’s wishful thinking and it Is just us, but idk, man,, i feel like millennials be doing this too))

sometimes, a lot of the time i just . don't eat . and i don't have a bad or difficult relationship to food or an eating disorder or anything like that, i just Don't Do It because i either legitimately forgot or i didn't feel hungry even if i hadn't eaten for a significant period of time (6-18hrs, we'll say, because i do lose track). like,, when quarantine started, i was in my room, door Locked, for 15 to 19 hours a day + i wouldn't leave unless i had to use the bathroom or shower. i only started eating and leaving my room more because my mom had to ask me to. oh, and this should be obvious, but i don't sit and eat dinner with my family either.

additionally, and this is Much More Frequent, i don't sleep. i know i don't sleep because i slept for nine hours today and woke up dazed and confused. when we had school, i would either sleep for 1-6 hours or just not at all. and then i'd go to school and not pack anything to eat :p. i actually think the longest i've gone without sleep is a full day. and i don’t have insomnia or anything like that, i just be Staying Up

so, with those things in mind, i've been wondering, like,, like how the boys would react to an m/c like that, you know?

like, okay, first of all,, there's No Way mammon is gonna let mc sit alone in their room all day. his emotional support human?? alone without him??? unacceptable. it just isn't happening. he would Literally break mc's door down if they tried to keep him out, unless they, for some reason, really, really, really needed to be alone, and even then it is a Tossup. and then not sleeping or eating? hello, what do you think this is? he would accommodate them for a little while by bringing them food and making sure they slept but after a while he would literally drag them out of their room because there is no way. there is No Way he’s letting them turn into levi. not on his watch 

an mc like this would give luci an ulcer. a literal ulcer. why are you a human and playing with the limits of your body?? who are you, do you think you’re made of metal? do you realize you have classes to attend and that you’re surrounded by demons literally All The Time? you cannot be caught lacking (i.e. feeling faint or fatigued because you haven’t eaten in seventeen hours or slept in a day). he would bring food to your room so he could make sure you ate, but when it came to sleeping? get ready to literally be dragged/carried out of your room and into his because he has work to do and he needs to keep an eye on you because Clearly you cannot be trusted to take care of yourself. he would probably go as far as to stop doing work and go to bed so you have nothing to hold against him. can’t sleep at a regular time because of your nonexistent sleep schedule? that’s okay because, beloved, He Is Putting You To Sleep. how he does so is up to you; and if you try to play like you’re Fine?? 

“mc, it’s seven pm, when was the last time you ate?” “five.” “am or pm?” “...” “well, when was the last time you slept?” “i haven’t.” “MC.” 

you haven’t slept in just over a day? baby, levi’s record is three. he would be absolutely terrible for an m/c like this; he would enable them So Hard. maybe he would bring them food (and that’s Snacks, not actual food), and Maybe he would tell them to go to sleep once or twice, but Other Than That? he can’t take care of himself for Shit either, sorry you had to hear it from me, leviastans <3

asmo,, you are worrying this man Sick. you haven’t eaten in fifteen hours? are you on a diet? no? you Forgot To Eat? how many hours of sleep have you gotten? one? you Think? oh, Maybe it was two? ah, yes, mc, because that is So Much Better. seriously, though, if you won’t eat, fine, but if there’s one thing you’re doing, it’s sleeping. you can’t sleep at a decent time because you have no concept of a sleeping schedule? sweetie. beloved. he is putting you to sleep, be it through relaxing self care or something else, darling, you are knocking out. and when you wake up, he’ll have a full course meal ready and he will literally feed it to you himself.

what’s that? you haven’t eaten since Yesterday and it’s three in the afternoon? oh,, you sweet summer child, beel is heartbroken. keep insisting that you aren’t hungry while you can barely stand and his eyes will fill with tears. you don’t wanna leave your room? fine, but that is the only thing keeping him from throwing you over his shoulder and going to the kitchen. he would literally bring you as much food as he could carry and only eat a little bit on the way back to your room. can’t sleep? not a problem, wait there while he gets belphie to charm your pillow. do Not worry, teddy bear beel always has your back MUAH

speaking of belphie,, tell that man you haven’t slept in a day and he’s stopping what he’s doing, dragging you to the nearest cushioned surface, and laying down with you; you’ll be out in No Time. and once you’re up?? he’s dragging you to the kitchen and you’re eating any and everything he puts in front of you, and he’s not leaving you alone until you’re functioning like a human and not a gremlin, or so help him, you’ll die a second time. 

you’re like, op,, y did u put satan last?? i couldn’t think of anything for him until now, i Swear i love him, okay, Anyway, you haven’t eaten in almost a day? do all humans do that? no?? why can you Barely Stand??? do you need to be carried to the kitchen? he is so confused as to why you just Haven’t Eaten when that is a basic function that humans need to complete or else they literally die; now wait in your room while he brings you something to eat. you can’t sleep?? do Not worry, that man will curl up with you and read to you until you’re Knocked Out, which won’t take long because he has a calming presence and a soothing voice, sweetheart, u r in good hands

ok it’s 7AM and i’m contemplating doing the undateables,, should i do the undateables? i’m gonna do the undateables. 

oh my god,, if luke finds out that you haven’t eaten in, eighteen hours and you haven’t slept in like twenty,, the way you’re gonna have to put in Work to convince him that you did those things of your own volition and the demons you live with aren’t starving or overworking you and No they aren’t forcing you to lie about anything. after you’ve done that, he is seeing to it that you eat something right away; it does not matter where you are, you are a human and you’re feeling Faint around literal demons, are you Dumb? are you Dumb of Ass?? come with him immediately before you hurt yourself or get hurt, he is feeding you and then you’re sleeping in his room and he’s Not taking no for an answer; don’t even think about telling him no, he’ll cry at you. 

you cannot tell me simeon is not the doting/fussing type, okay, and he is appalled. Appalled. what did you just say. the reason why you don’t look so good is because you’ve been up since Yesterday and you haven’t eaten since then either? why? what do you mean you forgot to eat; what kind of human Forgets To Eat? oh, you didn’t forget? you just didn’t feel like getting up? you’re gonna give him an ulcer. if he doesn’t do anything else, he is getting you something to eat, you literally just activated every older sibling/parental instinct he has from luke being an angel. he will literally take you to the closest place with food, sit you down, and buy you whatever you want, and if you say you don’t want anything, he’ll buy you one of everything and give the leftovers to beel, do Not test him. and when you’re done eating, you’re taking a nap. where? anywhere. no one will disturb you so long as he’s there, you’ll sleep perfectly fine <33

dia is half horrified and half intrigued. you haven’t slept in how long? are humans supposed to do that?? NO??? like,, part of him wants to see how long you can last without sleep or food just to see the limits of the average human and part of him wants to feed you and make sure you sleep immediately. he would have to fight every urge to do the former, but once he did, you are eating everything he finds and you are sleeping for however long his Humans 101 manual says you should sleep for. 

i am so thoroughly convinced that solomon literally would not care at all you have No Idea- 

like,,, i just feel like he’d ask you if you were alright because you looked a little off and you’d tell him you hadn’t slept or eaten in a while and he’d first look at you like you were literally out of your mind and then depending on where you were, Maybe keep you company (read: make sure nothing happens to you) while you take a nap, or Maybe buy you food, or take you to the house or purgatory hall (whichever’s closer) because he wouldn’t leave you alone,, surrounded by demons, ever; let alone in your current state. ok wow maybe he does care what a sweetie

barbatos would literally. he would keep his ^_^ cool facade, but on the inside he would be Screaming. full throttle internal screaming that has been going on for centuries just got several notches louder because you can’t take care of yourself, i hope ure happy. you haven’t slept since yesterday? one notch. you didn’t eat breakfast or lunch? another notch. you feel faint? oH WOW REALLY??? I FUCKING WONDER WHY another notch. come with him. please come with him before he blows a fuse for the first time in 400 years because you think you’re an exception to the rules of being a human. he’s feeding you and putting you to sleep whether you think you’re fine or not; don’t argue with him, he already takes care of his immortal boss who is the equivalent of an excited child on most days or a troublesome teenager on others and he Does Not Lose Arguments. 

ok it’s almost 11am goodnight now <3

[thisisthehardestthing]

wait r u fr? tumblr ate the ask? pls i’m so fuckin mad i literally typed paragraphs about how much i loved it so here we go i’m gonna try to be more coherent this time:

this mafia fic is my favorite haikyuu fic i’ve ever read and one of my fave fics in general. like the amount of hard work and research u put into it is so clear and it shows in the amazing quality of the fic. ur pacing, the flow of ur words, ur characterizations of tanaka and val, the way u pull off that last scene. everything is so well done and all of those things are super hard to pull off on their own so props to u for being able to do all of those. like wow i really am in awe of ur talent and i’m so thankful for ur hard work and the fact that u posted this like u rlly took me thru an emotional ride and gave me such a good piece of writing to enjoy and i love that.

okay so: details. i love the way u include the little things in the fic. stuff like the name of the designers and the names of organizations and stuff in the fic helps me picture the scenes so much and it just really adds to the extravagant feel of the fic.

with symbolism, i could literally write paragraphs about how well u included symbols in this fic. like i deadass gasped when the viper necklace was crushed in the final scene at the end right before tanaka did it. the parallels!!!! god ur so good at writing and obviously ur brain is huge to have thought of that and seamlessly included it into the fic.

okay so idk what the proper term for this is but like, the way that action happens in the fic is so well done and not predictable but still in line with what you’ve revealed to us about the characters. like ofc tanaka would pull the necklace out of his pocket at just that moment as a way to reveal to daichi what he felt. it’s just so perfect and so true to the person he is in the fic. about his characterization, god i love it so much. all of the pain and yearning and sheer want in his person were clearly conveyed thru his perspectives and his actions. like that boy just wants to be loved and that’s why it made such good narrative sense to have daichi ask him who he loves more in the scene right before the ending. like i saw the tag for death and expected a million things but u somehow managed to surprise me and yet still stay true to the world and characters u created and ugh, it’s all so perfect.

speaking of, the pacing of this fic is so good. like u manage to take us thru a whirlwind time period that doesn’t feel fast or drawn out or anything other than perfect. u have such a good awareness of pacing that it makes me so jealous and yet so pleased as a reader. like nothing about their love confessions or trysts felt rushed or forced. it felt so natural and true to the people they were and the world that they live in.

also i said before in the other ask how i love the way u utilize sex scenes in the fic. u sprinkle them in at just the right moment and they manage to be hot but they also reveal so much about the characters involved. like i’m specifically thinking of the scene in tanaka’s home where she asks why he won’t touch her and he says that she didn’t give him permission. like the love and devotion in that way of thinking felt so true and yet in the end he still did it and ugh that breaks my heart in the best way bc i know my pain as a reader is nothing next to his pain as a character. i would actually love to pick ur brain about how u decided on the ending. did it come to u in the moment or did u set out writing the fic knowing it would end up like that? so many questions rlly bc u created a world and a cast of characters that are so interesting like i would literally read books about them. (esp val. i loved how headstrong and proud she was but also how weak and emotional she could be. her ending made me sad but u kno, it made sense) and i’m especially curious to find out how tanaka copes after. like i can’t imagine that daichi would just accept his loyalty again but u do manage to surprise me in the best way so who knows. but i also mourn for him which is a little odd for me bc after finding out that he knew about daichi’s affair i felt betrayed and it hurt for some reason which is so interesting bc i trusted him and felt like i knew him, but u still managed to keep parts of him hidden, which is so cool.

oh and despite the tragic ending, u fed us so good with scenes of the two everywhere. like i love how we got to see tanaka and val in their own homes and at parties and we truly got to see how they act when they’re alone and when they’re comfortable and when they’re playing the part of loyal bodyguard or loyal wife. ugh it’s all so good and tbh i only finished it like maybe half an hour again but i already want to read it again bc it was so fucking good and the way u write emotions like yearning and heartbreak is so good like ugh. everything about the way u wrote this fic was so amazing and fuck tumblr for eating my ask but i hope i at least manage to repeat the majority of what was in the og ask lol.

hello anon <3

It is the weekend so I finally have enough brain power to reply.

I wanted to be selfish and keep this in my inbox forever, because this might be the kindest, most appreciative thing everyone has ever said to me about my writing. Toska is a piece of my heart and my soul in written word, and to have received something like this? It’s... indescribable. You have picked up on so many of the small details, symbols, and more that I littered throughout the fic, and you’ve called out the things that I was excited about people reading and reacting to.

Fic Spoilers below the cut.

everything is so well done and all of those things are super hard to pull off on their own so props to u for being able to do all of those.

Thank you so much. I constantly worried that it was too long, too boring, that there wasn’t enough smut in there to be sexy, or that the plot ultimately didn’t make sense. This means everything to me. Pacing is one of the most important things in a fic to me, because I am the kind of person that easily loses interest when I read. 

details. i love the way u include the little things in the fic.

ahhhhhhhhh!!!! I’m glad this helped you to picture everything! I actually used real life dresses, shoes, locations (google Villa La Vigie, it is STUNNING). I was a fashion student, and I now work in the fashion industry so small details to convery luxury is extremely important to me. I love that it made all the difference to you.

i could literally write paragraphs about how well u included symbols in this fic.

fuck, wow. this. This is what I was truly hoping for. I love figuring out foreshadowing in movies, in books, in tv series. I try to write things that foreshadowing what going to happen in the end throughout of every one of my fics, but this is the first time someone called it out, and I am truly grateful for it. The viper necklace thing is a moment I was very proud of. and when Tanaka tells Val to stop talking about Daichi when they’re alone on the bed together: that’s the first instance where we see his guilt that he knows. Also, when Tanaka says “why dont i finish what I started,” is another thing I linked to the ending.

the way that action happens in the fic is so well done and not predictable but still in line with what you’ve revealed to us about the characters.

kasjsdfhksjdfsd I always thought people could see right through me and how I was going to end it!!!!!!! This means so much thank you! I kept thinking, “fuck people know he’s going to kill her, this is so predictable, all these extra scenes are so boring, is it even worth it?” so AH thank you!

thank you again for the pacing comment <3

i love the way u utilize sex scenes in the fic. u sprinkle them in at just the right moment 

hehehehehehe this makes me very happy. tbh, I wasn’t expecting there to be SO MUCH PLOT when I wrote this fic. I had mapped everything out and planned for it to be about... 5k? words? It ended up being 21k all together lmao. I actually thought there wasn’t enough smuttiness in the entire thing, so thanks for letting me now that it was just the right amount. I was worried because the only time I actually describe them fucking with Tanaka’s dick inside her, is that measley one paragraph at the Monte Carlo Casino. When I realised that, I was in utter shock. I was texting @mindninjax in the discord server like “FUCK. I can’t believe I haven’t actually written sex sex.” Then I went into thinking how disappointed people were going to be and phew, it was a whirlwind of a night.

i would actually love to pick ur brain about how u decided on the ending. did it come to u in the moment or did u set out writing the fic knowing it would end up like that? so many questions rlly

ask away, send in questions. I built this world beyond what I’ve written. I have character layouts and plans for every person I introduced, and have ideas for fics on all of them.

To answer your question, I knew exactly how I wanted it to end before I began writing. That end scene is what I thought of first. Exactly like that, with it being cut off mid-sentence to represent her being shot. That sort of “boom” or feeling of shock where you just stare at the screen is the exact reaction I wanted to get when I finished writing, so I hope that is what happened.

So just, thank you so much anon. For everything, for taking the time to write out this ask a second time after Tumblr ate the first one. It has kept me going since the day you sent it. I really appreciate you, and please, chat to me anytime x

Thank you.

Spasiba x

[sxltedcxramel]

Tw rant? Vent?? Idk

I just came to my grandma’s house and almost cried in the car bc my dad said this to my younger sister:

“Diet is to help people to get skinny” because she wanted to know what was a diet.

And that was clearly towards me when he said that since I wasn’t “skinny” plus he made his tone more strong(?). To make it worse he said something else that just broke my heart.

“[my other sister’s name] eats garbage” what he meant by that was candy. (She doesn’t eat that much candy)

Like Dude, she’s 6. She’s only 6 and you just insult her right to her face and now she’s thinking to stop eating what she loves and eat only vegetables. :( I feel like he hates my body :’(

TW: EATING DISORDERS AND WEIGHT LOSS

Ok first of all fuck your dad /srs Like what kind of parent say that kind of shit especially to a 6 year olds face.

Two: a diet isn’t just to get skinny, a diet is used in many different ways. According to the fucking Merriam Webster dictionary this is what it is

a special course of food to which one restricts oneself, either to lose weight or for medical reasons.

Alright people who think it’s right for a parent to say this can sit in the corner and write this 100 times and educate yourself.

And yeah I get what you mean parents when talking to your siblings love to emphasize the words to direct towards you as if they can’t say it out loud.

Eat garbage? Really?? Someone come get me because I’m abt to hurt a bitch. So are you telling me you didn’t eat candy as a kid?? Firstly its your fault <dads> for letting her eat it. Children especially the little ones are under their parents for a reason therefore you have control over their diet so don’t come with the bs that she eats a lot of candy when your the parent. You can’t just complain about something you can fix thats not how it works.

Shes 6 and there is no crime in eating candy but yes theres a limit. But you can’t expect a child to understand that theres a time and place for everything and now definitely wasn’t the time for that.

Now let me just say, I diet. And no I’m not overweighted. I have an eating disorder and I have health issues. In order for me to fix the health issues I have to cut off some stuff so I can be healthy. Now don’t get me wrong my family is healthy we don’t even buy candy lmao. But im stubborn so yeah I kinda eat some stuff I shouldn’t-

Dieting helps for a lot of health reasons if done properly, what pisses me off is this is what makes teens stop eating because they’re insecure and Dawn it doesn’t matter what your dad thinks about your body, beauty is subjective you don’t have to put yourself on any standards you don’t want to be on. If you want to be healthy and lose weight do it for yourself and for nobody else

Don’t let anyone tell you what you should do what your body. Period. no if and or but.

Help your sister too, no one ate veggies as a kid or if you did it was a little shoot I remember wanting to live on dino chicken nuggets and pizza at 6 years old. She shouldn’t have to deal with this I’m sorry that you guys are.

Just assure her that her weight is fine and she can eat what she wants making sure someone watches what she does eat.

I love you dawn <33

Also everyone else your valid don’t go letting people tell you what to do with your body.

[myrecovery18]

A year in Recovery

After a year in recovery from restricting there are things that I noticed I did before that I no longer or rarely do or that I’m able to eat now. Plus a little tips on what helped me recovery and stick with it. 

TW: MENTIONS OF RESTRICTING, ANAMIA, BIRTHCONTROL,  RECOVERY, TO THE BONE, TRAINING, LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF, SELF RECOVERY TIPS, & LITTLE HEALTH RANT IN THE MIDDLE.

I’m aware I can’t count calories anymore because I mentally will go under 1,500 calories without fail. 

When I use to eat I use to watch an edit of “To the Bone” religiously, I only watch it now when I want to. I don’t want to watch it when I eat. 

I use to sit in class and save food recipes or pictures of food to a Pinterest board instead of paying attention because I got bored and was thinking about food

I use to workout for an hour and a half in the morning and would get pissed if I couldn’t. I quit working out for a year until I was able to and injured my knee only to restart this year because working out is the one thing I know that helps relieve stress. Instead of focusing on working out as a form of losing weight, I focus on it now as a hobby, if I don’t do it one day that’s fine. I don’t get upset at myself. That took awhile to build that mentality especially coming from a 10 yr athletic background with a physical sport that required you to train 3 hours a day like volleyball. 

I used to eat and feel panicked about being watched by others; rarely do I think about that now. I can’t give you advice on how to stop that mentality.

I avoided eating Garlic bread for six years, it was apart of my fear foods. I nearly cried when I ate it for the first time this year and didn’t feel an ounce of anxiety. It still scares me the idea of eating it, but physically eating it doesn’t bring me anxiety. 

There are days where I eat one meal and I don’t blame myself, but I do let others know that I forgot to eat because my hungry cues didn’t signal that I was in fact hungry and needed to feed myself. 

While in recovery, I’ve come to realize that when I miss a meal, my body will pick up either the next day or two days later and tell me it’s hungry. I don’t force myself to eat if I’m not hunger. 

I use to cook myself every meal so I knew what was going into it or I monitored what my family was putting into the food. I don’t do that now or I use to make my own plate and make it smaller than I needed it to be. I allow for them to cook my food and plate it if they want to. 

I use to have bad mood swings; I rarely do. 

I use to drink coffee because I knew it is a natural laxative for me when I was having a bad day; I don’t drink it anymore for that reason. I drink it because I like the taste and enjoy coffee. The upset stomach is a negative now.  

Being told to lose weight by doctors or family members or that I was getting bigger would trigger me but now I don’t bother to acknowledge it since I know most doctors don’t acknowledge the pills I’ve been on caused the weight gain. The only doctor I’ve accepted the weight loss advice was my neurologist because I went through all the test and they came back normal, so I know I suffer from migraines naturally.

Birth Control Pills: I’m not a fan of them and refuse to be placed back on them despite the other ladies I go to pushing it on me to regulate my abnormal bleeding I recently had. Despite the fact I told her it was caused by the other Gyno’s failure to notice that it counteracts with my migraine medicines and caused the bleeding to extend by putting me on the birthcontrol pill I didn’t want (Side Note: I have iron deficiency anemia that no one can really fix because my panels come back with a weird combination so due to the gynos mistake it kicked in and I had to take my iron pills because I was getting exhausted too fast because of my blood loss which made me have more headaches. I do not take them daily because my previous doctors said I had too much iron in my system but I have a hard time storing it which is why every doctor I see can’t really fix it or diagnose it again because my panels read either too high, normal or low, so cheers to that.) I know this because my recent period lasted 7 days and was normal flow similar to how they use to be before I got on before control. I say this because your doctors won’t listen to you and will prescribe you a medicine regardless of your wishes. I decided not to take it and even now I’m losing the weight I gained slowly. 

My migraine medicine: Is used for both migraines (my neurologist wanted to boost it to the highest dose which I didn’t agree with since I already have the muscle tingles that happen all day and are annoying and could get kidney stones and I know I don’t drink enough water to stop that from happening; so I stuck to the dose I’m on. Again sometimes your doctors can be wrong. GO with what you’re comfortable with) and weight loss. The weight I’m losing could be contributed to that or the fact I stopped my BC pills, I’m unsure which or the fact I’m working again. 

So what helped me recover? 

 For one, I had a support system that kept me accountable in the form of my boyfriend who knew I struggled with eating. Including one of my highschool friend who kept track of if I eat in highschool when we were at lunch together, when my boyfriend couldn’t be there. Once I got into college, it became my own responsibility to hold myself accountable for eating and sometimes that didn’t happen because I become hyper-focus on one thing (still do) and fail to remember to eat. My boyfriend still checked in whenever he could to make sure I did eat whenever he choose to 

I changed my mentality. I no longer look for a diet to do. If I eat what society sees as unhealthy or healthy that doesn’t concern me. I’m going to eat what helps my body because I know what helps it. I know personally if my body doesn’t get enough nutrition I’ll suffer a headache and will get tired later on that day. You have to know your body and that starts with your mental. Some days will be bad and that just comes with recovery.

Eating the foods you like. I’m lucky enough to be on a college campus that allows us to be back in person during a pandemic and is serving us food. By them do this, I don’t often eat in my dorm room so I can save my food or don’t eat out or order in as often. Last semester when I lived in my own apartment, I ordered food a lot and I wasn’t ashamed by it. It just took a lot of my money. My college thankfully has the healthier options available for students who can’t eat meats or doesn’t prefer it. If I don’t eat in my cafetria on campus, I’ll go to our schools tea room if it’s open to grab something to eat if I don’t like anything they have, unless I ultimately have no time left I’ll eat in my room. 

I choose to eat whatever. Some days I’ll eat more vegetarian than meat or vegan that vegetarian or I’ll eat more meat if I want it. However, I do know that there’s days I’ll crave pizza. I don’t hold back and I’ll go get a pizza and it’ll last me three or two meals depending on how hungry I am or if I get Chinese food, that’s two meals. I learned to stop holding myself holding myself back from my cravings. If I want something, I’ll eat it.

One of the last things that helped me was watching over people go through recovery the same time I was choosing to. These people have already recovery so they don’t have many videos up anymore from that time in their lives so I can’t tag their channels here and probably won’t ever. But they helped me get through and see that I wasn’t alone. That it was okay to feel the things I was feeling. 

Lastly, I learned to start to love myself. I haven’t fully done it yet. But I don’t hate myself either. It’s taking time to realize that I deserve better in life. That despite what I look like, even if it’s at my heaviest or at my lowest I won’t care what people think of me as long as I love how I look. Now that’s been a struggle to work with and I’m only a few months into that mentality, but it feels good. I spent majority of my life avoiding mirrors and avoiding taking pictures with my family to the point I don’t have many pictures of myself from the times I grew up to now. Or I hardly understand some days how I look because I don’t look in the mirror. But I slowly starting to. I can tell in pictures on days where I do love myself and have confidence that I’m happier. I also learned to understand my worth and know that I shouldn’t feel miserable in a friendship. 

There’s small things you can do to recover now. It’s not an over night thing. There’s days where recovery will see pointless or if you’re even doing it right or if you’re just faking it for the shits and giggles, but you’re doing a good thing. Ultimately, recovery is about you. It’s not for anyone else. Not for your family, or your friends or your boyfriends or your pets. It’s for you and you alone. Because it only effects you physically and mentally and emotionally. You’re the one who has to deal with it 24/7 and has to actively choose to heal and keep healing every single day. It’s not going to be easy. I only listed a few things I’ve been through that was singular for me and important to me to voice, there were more things I did. I wish you all the best whether you choose recovery now, tomorrow, or in the future. Please stay safe.  

[edo-vivendum]

My Past Two Years 11/2019

I wanna tell yall the briefish version of my past two years. Two years ago, I was doing okay. I proudly identified as 99% recovered from the eating disorder which I'd done IOP treatment for twice. Yet at the same time, I was in a rigid daily routine and maintaining a "healthy" yet artificially low weight (though I didn't realize this). But I was doing way better than I had in high school or in my first two semesters of college. However, I was finding myself fairly frequently overwhelmed with emotional flashbacks, and I decided I was stable enough and ready to finally dig deeper in therapy and delve into my childhood traumas.

I was very wrong. I was far from stable enough to do outpatient trauma work. I managed to fight my eating disorder thoughts and urges through the spring semester, but the signs were there: I was slipping. I was crying most days at lunch. I was lying, arguing over food, skipping meals. Things I'd promised myself I'd never do again. Finals week I told myself I had to follow an old meal plan: I needed energy to perform well in my tests, tests which would replace lower grades from days and weeks during the semester when I just couldn't gather the energy to study. And I did it, I finished the semester with all A's, a feat that was quickly overshadowed by my rapidly disintegrating mental and physical health.

During this period of time, my thoughts were obsessively suicidal, but only when I was eating (adequately). And so I stopped. It seemed safer, a temporary delve into my eating disorder in order to stay alive. Seems fair? I was terrified I'd accidently kill myself. I was so overcome with shame and guilt. I thought I'd be able to just turn my eating disorder off again the moment I was ready. But it didn't work like that.

My mental health was overpowering my sheer will power, and I quickly found myself deeper in my eating disorder than I had been in years. And unlike in high school, my body couldn't take it for months and months on end. I found myself in the ER and was told that I couldn't do IOP anymore, that the lowest level of care that was ethically appropriate when I was a medical risk was PHP, and so I did PHP (a day program). I couldn't think straight, ever. My thoughts were hazy. I couldn't concentrate. It was like being dissociated constantly, except it was there even when I wasn't. And as an all A student, a girl who (at that time) found my confidence only in my intellect, I was terrified. But I was also terrified I'd accidently kill myself if I stopped restricting. But, regardless, I ate my meals in program, arguing and debating over every bite. Then curling up and crying. I stayed alive for the swim team I coach during the summer. I coached in the morning then headed to PHP for the rest of the day. And those kids brought me so much joy. They kept me alive. Them and my guilt. The thought of damaging the lives of everyone around me by ending my own made me so guilty.

Eventually, somehow, I graduated, stepped down to IOP again, and only had groups for a three hours 3 days a week (rather than 6 hrs 6x/week). But then one day they challenged my rigidity. They told me I couldn't bring plain rice with 1 tsp of butter + chik'N (vegan) nuggets + steamed broccoli + a cheese stick. It met my meal plan. Precisely. And they said it was disordered. (it was). They asked me to add ketchup to my nuggets. Something overcame me, and I couldn't do it. I cried so much that night that they pulled me out of the room and had me sit individually with someone. "This is not an IOP response." It wasn't. And suddenly I realized that I had never been recovered, that my rigidity was part of my eating disorder, that I had MILES of work to do, and it was too much. I couldn't do it (at that point in time). I felt so defeated. And I didn't know what to do. And in my defeat, my urges became harder to fight, and my intake once again decreased dangerously.

PHP was suggested again, but I was skeptical. If it didn't work before, why would it work now? My outpatient therapist mentioned to me that residential treatment was only a slightly higher level of care than php. I started looking into options. I felt like a fraud. I wasn't underweight. I wasn't physically at risk to myself (my team and my current self disagree with that). But I didn't think I needed it. But part of me found hope in the idea. What if I could go somewhere and receive ED treatment and trauma treatment at the same time? Somewhere where I'd be safe from myself? In my head, the options seemed to be : (1) die (2) starve myself until I die (3) go to residential treatment, give it my all, and try to recover.

And so I picked option 3. I felt like a fraud, but my insurance covered it. I did my research, and I picked Monte Nido River Towns in New York City suburbs. Within two weeks, I was flying up there. I was terrified, but I was ready to work.

It was harder than I ever imagined. I was so scared. Never before had I lost so much control over my food. I got no say in what was in front of me other than my choice of three food items i could exclude. I picked Brussel sprouts and red meat (and later added raw onions as a third bc the chef overdid it on the onions every time). Monte Nido was stricter than my local program in so many ways, but they were also more supportive. For the first time, I was able to begin to explore my past. I was able to start healing. While there, I realized I was sicker than I could have previously admitted. Most of the clients there were at healthy weights (many of whom has anorexia or atypical Anorexia diagnoses). My bloodwork was a mess. I was having heart palpitations nearly daily. My sodium was low, and my water intake was restricted in order to level my sodium. I realized I'd been overhydrating previously, and it felt like I was withdrawing from a drug. I was always thirsty, overheating, dry throat. It was terrible, but after a few days, I adjusted to drinking only 64 ounces of water a day (I know that's such a normal amount lolll I have no clue how much it was before!!).

My insurance only covered 30 days, and I wasn't ready. I discharged to a PHP in Boston also owned by Monte Nido. I stayed in their supportive housing and did a month and a half of php. It helped. I slowly improved some. I became more stable with meal plan compliance. I started to realize how bad my family was for me. It was only in their absence that I began to flourish. I was preparing my own food outside of program. I did another month and half of IOP in Boston, and then in November, about one year ago, I came home to continue IOP at my local program.

And things became stagnant. I would have a good week and then two bad weeks. Things were stable enough to not need PHP again, but not stable enough to discharge. But I couldn't stay in IOP forever, and after 5 months, they discharged me.

I knew I wasn't ready, but I was determined to try to make it work. I knew I couldn't stay in IOP forever. But I wanted so badly to recover, and I was so scared I'd fall backwards.

So I did pretty well for about a month, then slowly things started slipping. I'm not sure what happened per say. I think I was probably brute forcing it, and I couldn't keep it up. I decided to go back to IOP, not in the full program, just twice a week, sort of a tune up. That was the plan anyways.

I did an assessment on a Monday, started that evening. I was to come back on Thursday. Tuesday, I went to my parents, and for whatever reason, my brother told me that it was my fault that I was bullied.

I spiraled. It triggered shame and guilt. It triggered my own belief that it was my fault. As though all my work had come undone, I was suicidal again.

I tried to hold it together. My therapist talked to me on the phone countless times over that week, but on Saturday afternoon, I asked my boyfriend to take me to the hospital. I didn't feel safe with myself. I was scared to be in the bathroom alone.

The hospital was a horrible experience. It was my second time in a psych hospital, and this time was by far the worst. There were 38 women in a small unit. We spent all our time in a day room that definitely was not designed for 38 people. Most of the people there were detoxing and were sporatic and loud and... Terrifying to me with PTSD from being bullied and verbally abused by peers and teachers. Staff were verbally abusive. Finally, after what felt like a year but was only six days, I left the hospital. My suicidality had been quite literally scared out of me, but my anxiety was 10/10 constantly. I felt unsafe. I was shaking consistently for an entire week. Even now, I start shaking thinking about it.

My therapist suggested residential trauma treatment at a place in Florida called the Refuge. They had an eating disorder program as well, so they would be able to take me (as most places just straight up won't take you if you have an ED but most ED places don't do real trauma work either). Anyways, this place was amazing. I was there for two months, and I grew so much. I was surrounded by support. The ED part of the program was pretty relaxed, which in some ways was good but in other ways let me act out through my eating while doing trauma work. But they kept me contained enough that I was very safe physically. I was so emotionally supported; I don't even have the words for it. My program therapist gave me new understanding of myself. She tested and diagnosed me with Asbergers and taught me that some aspects of my rigidity were likely because of asbergers and not because of my ED —that it was OK if my recovery looked a little different than other people's recovery. I was able to share in groups about my childhood, and I received a ton of validation and support for traumas that I perceived as not worthy of being traumatized by. I was supported and respected and made a ton of progress in respecting and supporting myself.

I discharged back into the shitty ass local iop program. I needed to refocus on the food aspect just a little and get back on track with food. I had a little weight I needed to gain in order to be at my own set point. Blah blah. Etc.

This program has been such a mess. My case manager told me everyone walked on eggshells around me. When I advocated for myself, I was told I was being needy. Then they told me I had to discharge because I was refusing to learn to cope with emotions despite the fact that my outpatient team and I both agree that I'd made huge progress. Before going to the refuge, the experience would have been triggering, but instead it became an opportunity for me to prove to myself just how resilient I have become. I finally discharged IOP last week, and this time, I actually feel ready.

I've been meal plan compliant for months. I've been actively using coping skills and managing situations more effectively than I ever have before. I have made so so so much progress; and I can say, today, I am happy to be alive. I haven't had a suicidal thought since being home from the Refuge. I haven't self-harmed since September. I still have work to do, but I can also accept where I'm at while I'm doing that work. Life is good. I am confident I can keep this up for months, even years.

[one-1-year-gone]

day two hundred and two (202)

Friday, it was great fun. I really enjoyed the Immersion Day. It was nice to talk with different people in French, the student that was leading our discussions was also nice, he has been studying French for only two (2) days but his accent was flawless. This afternoon I’ve also been chatting an awful lot with Eilidh, I even walked home with her. I never really talk to her, but she is a really cute person.

This morning Giulia and I were joking about her being depressed, well actually she was joking about it. Her mum suggested seeing a therapist after Scotland, her friend, who is looking at Psychology, also agrees and bro same. I mean we gen z constantly joke about depression, but mostly bc we are all depressed and nihilistic. But you know, all the kids are depressed and need therapy.

In the free Rachel and Anna were in agony, for various reasons and they decided to get some “green” to fix it. Well, it was Louises duty to find a dealer to buy it and she hit up everyone she knew on insta to get some. I never found out if she got some.

In Biology we had a student teacher. Poor lad. I hate this class. Like a horde of animals. I was so pissed afterwards that Holly thought I was pissed at her.

In French I went to practice my speaking with Madame Reuille and I just free styled. That was it of my period.

Eilidh, Viviane and me went to Tesco after school, because I wanted to try the meal deal (three (3) quid for a sandwich, drink and snack is pretty nice). It started raining and them two (2) ate most of their lunch standing in the entry of Tesco.

We were lucky, once we were in the University it came down pouring and everyone else coming in was soaked. By the way, I know I have been to the Craiglockhart campus of Napier Uni in like September, but now I’ve realised that it’s actually quite big. They have so many computer places, loads of spaces to work like in the library and so on, seems like a cool campus to study.

The students responsible for us gave us a little tour of the campus and I just realised again that I just hate people, I was so annoyed at the other students lmao. Maybe it just wasn’t my day, it dawns to me.

Then we got to a classroom (or whatever you call it at a uni) and talked away. As I said, I really liked our instructor. There was this boy from a private school and boy, his French was the worst. And so confident, thinking he and his family are the top of the world. When he got asked what he’ll do this evening, he said he’s going to charge his phone. Certainly, the elite of the system.

As I said I enjoyed today, but looking back I might have been a bit irritable. Whoops. What can I say, I don’t like (most) people.

(Suzy lying on Claudias bed)