#the only reason I found out was because my attending was late since she went to go get his autograph and a photo but he turned her away

[rabbigfirlee]

.

[nothingtoseeherebyeexx]

Delicate, Chapter Three: Cinnamon Girl

here we go again! same disclaimers as last time. important talks and a long awaited reunion <3

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Narcissa was conflicted, her smile tight as she took in the news.

She and Mary had been invited to a party by Lily Evans.

Lily Evans, who was extremely close to Alice Fortescue.

Alice Fortescue, that who surely going to be present at aforementioned party.

Did Alice know she had been invited? How did she feel about it? Was she the reason Lily had asked for Narcissa, specifically, as Mary’s plus one?

And then, how would Alice react when they saw each other again? How was she? Did she think about her, from time to time?

“You don’t look as excited as I expected. What’s wrong?” Mary interrupted Narcissa’s spiralling, bringing her back to reality. A party at the Potter’s meant a lot of celebrities and therefore the possibility to make oneself known: it was a chance too good for Mary to miss. However, Narcissa was bound to behave in some stupid, pathetic way and she needed Mary to stop her in case she started demolishing her public image by, let’s say, bursting out crying in front of her late teenage love.

“Sit down, I’m going to tell you a story. But you’ll have to promise me you won’t ask any questions until I’m finished, okay?” Narcissa said as she took Bunny from her tank and let her slither around her arm, because for some obscure, probably-rooted-in-her-troubled-childhood reason, it brought her some comfort.

Narcissa sat on the carpet, Mary mirroring her and not speaking a word. She looked worried, and that made something melt in Narcissa’s chest: she hadn’t felt like this since Andy (and Bella, in a way) left, when she was still a little innocent girl sharing little innocent secrets with her sisters. It happened a lot with Mary, an overcoming feeling of nostalgia that was only accentuated by the way the girl seemed to have adapted to Narcissa’s house, by learning in which drawer she kept the spoons, which switch turned on each light, which doors tended to fly open with a smack if you opened them too quickly.

God, she was getting soft.

“You know I went to a conservatory, Hogwarts, right?” Narcissa began.

Mary just nodded, without interrupting her.

“I attended that boarding school for five years, so basically my whole adolescence. I was already professionally trained when I started, obviously, and private teachers were much stricter than the ones at school, so I have always been ahead of my classmates and I found myself with a lot of free time and freedom, especially compared to my life back home. I was never quite able to shake off the feeling my parents were watching me, though, so I never had the courage to really break their rules. That was until a new girl showed up, at the beginning of my third year.” She couldn’t help the smile that naturally bloomed on her lips, her gaze fixed on Bunny.

“Her hair was a mess of curls, her smile a bit crooked, her tie always out of place. Subconsciously, I knew she was the exact opposite of what my parents approved of, so I immediately despised her. However, fate decided it would have been funny to tie our lives together, and since my roommate had coincidentally graduated, the two of us ended up sharing a room. And I’m forever glad it happened, Mary. This is the part where things start to get really personal, okay?”

“My lips are sealed.” Mary replied, raising her palms in surrender. She had gotten a little closer, moved by curiosity.

“They better be. Anyway, this girl took guitar lessons and I had piano, but we still shared singing classes together. Oh, Mary…I will never forget the first time I’ve heard her singing. I remember thinking, and it is a big compliment considering where I grew up, that I was lucky for witnessing the beginning of something so great. You see, I have been raised to become a singer, to use my voice as a means to get richer and greater, but I still felt like an amateur standing next to her. Not because her technique was better than mine, the teachers always praised me more,” Narcissa added, aware she sounded ostentatious, “but she had this energy, this unique style that wasn’t…fabricated, like mine. I stood next to her, and I realised the way I sung might have been flawless and pleasing to the ear, but it could never be anything more. It was never going to feel real.”

Narcissa paused, trying to find the right words to continue this conversation.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Mary tried to come to her rescue, but Narcissa shook her head.

“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just…hard to voice these thoughts for the first time. I’ve never told this to anyone,” Narcissa replied, a bit bashful. “At the time of the story, my relationship with my sisters was already a mess, and we didn’t talk much. But you already know that, the media made sure of it.” She added, bitterly.

She had grown used to it, seeing as she had been under flashing cameras since the day she was born. Mary pressed her lips together, looking regretful, like she could’ve just ignored the news spread by paparazzi.

“Because I was a child, the moment I was confronted with this random girl that I considered so much better than me, I got incredibly jealous. I wanted to hate her, I really did. But she was always friendly, laughing at my snarky comments like they were inside jokes, and even when I pulled pranks on her she retaliated like it was a game between the two of us. I like to remember those days as the the chance I had at a normal adolescence.”

“What did you do?”

“I know you’re the one who put that red sock in my white laundry, Black. Since you like pink so much, I’ve mixed some hair dye with your shampoo. Now we match!”

“You-“

“I was mean, at times, but she always reacted in a way that inevitably made me feel like shit. For instance, her parents owned an ice cream parlor, and when I made a snobbish joke about that, she showed up the next day with a giant bowl of every ice cream flavor imaginable. We ate it all in one afternoon.”

“What were you saying about my parents selling ice cream?”

Narcissa took another spoonful and closed her eyes in delight.

“That it is truly one of the most noble and respectable occupations. Wait, what flavour is that?”

“Mmh…Blue?”

“I fell for her smile, her clumsiness, the songs she wrote. She was a poet. Still is. I wanted to be more like her, so we started spending more time together, skipping the classes we didn’t like, hiding in the yard behind the dorms. She smoked and played her guitar, while I simply watched her. I even started writing songs, which wasn’t expected of me by my parents: all my future albums had already been written, hidden in my future manager’s drawer.”

Narcissa noticed that Mary was itching to ask something, probably what happened after that, but she was stopping herself.

It was a cute effort, cute enough to be rewarded.

“We fell in love. We kept it a secret at school, but I knew she expected to make it official once we were out of there. As you know, however, I had other plans for my future,” then Narcissa added, rolling her eyes, “Well, my parents had other plans. Anyway, we had this huge row, we were both mad at each other, and I said some things that deeply hurt her and that I wish I had never spoken. There, end of the tale.”

Mary was gaping at her, disappointment evident on her face.

“Time for the questions,” Narcissa allowed.

“That can’t be the end! What happened then?” Mary protested quickly.

Narcissa smiled so, so sadly.

“She made a song inspired by the last words I’ve said to her, became worldwide famous because of it, and I’ve had to listen to my worst mistake playing on the radio for ten years. And apparently, we are going to one of her best friends’ party this weekend.”

Mary looked comically horrified. “Oh my God, Narcissa… I had no idea, I’ll just tell Evans we can’t go-“

“No, don’t,“ interrupted Narcissa, “It’s fine, really. Maybe I’m delusional, but…” she sighed, “I just want to see her again. The worst part is that we never got any closure: I just ran away, and she didn’t chase after me. Not like I was expecting her to, obviously.”

Okay, maybe that wasn’t the complete truth. During the first years after their ‘breakup’, Narcissa had wanted nothing to do with Alice, because she had showed her the promise of what could’ve been their future in another life, and it was too good and too far from her family’s expectations.

In the end, though, all that was left was an aching longing that she had put into words with songs that would’ve never seen the light of day. Or so she had thought, before she left her home on a delirious rampage.

Narcissa had hoped for a call, a text, anything really. And yet, the only way she could hear from Alice was on the radio, or through her headphones. She finally had the chance to speak to her, and she wanted to take it oh, so desperately.

“Lily told me your cousins will be there, too.” Mary interrupted the heavy silence, and Narcissa was grateful for the change of topic. Mary had crossed the carpet that divided them, close enough to hug Narcissa if she wanted to.

She decided to let her head fall to the other girl’s shoulder instead- Narcissa had never been too keen on physical contact, and yet this small display of affection was enough to comfort her. It was enough to make her realize she hadn’t been comforted in years. Fuck.

“I figured. I want to talk to them, it’s been so long. I’m so proud of them. Regulus, especially,” Narcissa let her hand travel on the carpet, while Mary listened in silence.

“He left when he was only 18. And he didn’t even go to his brother first, he preferred staying with this girl no one ever heard of.” Narcissa remembered with a smile.

She didn’t know the details of what happened between the two brothers after Regulus’ undertaking, but Sirius had always been very protective of him, even when things were complicated, so she could only imagine how enraged he must’ve been when he discovered he was bested by a woman he had never even seen.

“I think she’s called Pandora Lovegood,” Mary informed her. “She was rumored to be Regulus’ girlfriend, and people on the Internet started to make these crazy theories about the real reasons behind his escape, saying he did it for his ‘forbidden love’. They never confirmed anything, though, and he keeps bringing her as a guest during social events or parties…maybe you can ask him about it this Saturday.”

Narcissa was glad Mary couldn’t see her face, because she was really close to cackling: Regulus, the 12 year-old boy who had a full breakdown in her room because he didn’t want to kiss a girl on the cheek for a movie, with a girlfriend. Simply hilarious.

“I guess I could, yes,” she agreed, her sarcasm going unnoticed.

Her head was still on Mary’s shoulder, the silence between them stretching long but comfortable.

“Mary,” Narcissa called.

“Cissa,” Mary answered.

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?” Narcissa didn’t really know why she asked, or where she wanted the conversation to go. Mary was extremely reserved about family matters, so-

“Yes, I do. I have two brothers, both younger. One is in middle school, the other a few years younger.” Mary’s tone was fond, and even if she was out of Narcissa’s sight, it wasn’t too hard to imagine a small smile on her lips.

“You never talk about them. You’re always working, either at the café or here…don’t they miss you when you’re not home?” Narcissa questioned, feeling bold.

“Oh, well, it’s not like I see them when I get home, since I’ve been living in a hotel for a while now,” Mary explained, sounding embarrassed.

Narcissa was not expecting that.

“You what? Since when?” she asked, startled, moving away from Mary to look at her in the eyes.

“I’ve wanted to leave that house for a while, so I saved some money with my part-time job,” Mary said, ”I moved about a month after signing the contract, when I was sure I could make it by myself.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Narcissa replied, distraught, putting a hand on Mary’s shoulder. “I have asked you to come live with me!”

“No you haven’t?” Mary countered, confused and slightly alarmed by Narcissa’s fervor.

“You want me to come live with you?”

“We spend most of our time together already, I thought it was obvious?” Narcissa answered frantically.

Mary just laughed, uncontrolled and loud. Narcissa pouted.

“Fine, fine! I’ll come live with you, if you’re so desperate to have me around,” she smiled. “I’ll bring my stuff tomorrow, if I can manage. Is that okay with you?”

“Sure, whatever.” Narcissa replied, still looking like a crossed child. They sat next to each other on the floor, letting the silence settle for a while. Mary was good at reading people, Narcissa had learnt. She always seemed to know when someone needed some quiet, or preferred to ramble, and adapted accordingly. Everchanging, constantly camouflaging to survive.

“Why did you ask?” Mary asked.

Narcissa sighed, because one, she was expecting that question, and two, she didn’t know, either.

“Sometimes I hate them. Sirius and Regulus, I mean,” Narcissa explained. “Sure, they fight, seem to hate each other, and their relationship isn’t perfect, but at least it’s there. For my sisters, we’re dead to each other.”

“Have you tried calling them?” Mary suggested, and it should’ve been a silly thing to ask, because of course Narcissa should have tried to call them, it was the most logical thing to do. But she hadn’t. Andromeda left when Narcissa was still controlled by their parents and didn’t try to contact her, not even after her escape. Bellatrix was still proudly part of the family, so Narcissa hadn’t even bothered trying.

“No,” Narcissa replied, defeated. “It’s useless, they went on with their lives. I keep up with the articles about Bellatrix, so I kind of know what’s going on, but Andromeda has completely disappeared. I wonder how she did that.”

And why she didn’t bring me with her.

“…Do you resent her?” Mary whispered, quietly. Narcissa turned to look at her.

“For leaving?”

“Mhm.”

“Well, if I did resent her now it would be hypocritical, since I also ran away. But I used to, yes. Why? Are you worried your siblings might grow to hate you?“

Mary leant back, eyes travelling to the ceiling. Narcissa thought she looked so serious at times, with her gaze lost in thought and her lips clamped shut. Preoccupation made her look older.

“I’m not worried. When the time came, I told my parents it was time for me to enter the real world, that I had found an apartment out of town I could afford and that I was going to call them weekly,” Mary smiled bitterly, her eyes bright with tears Narcissa wasn’t going to address. “They didn’t bat an eye. One less mouth to feed, I guess. My youngest sibling, Theo, told me with tears in his eyes that he was going to miss me, while the oldest, Bingley, felt betrayed. He didn’t say it, but I could see it in his face.” Mary sighed, looking at Narcissa’s neck, where Bunny had slowly found her designated place.

“I know they will understand, if not now when they’re older, then. And if they do not understand, I’ll explain why I left myself.”

“…Why did you do it, though?” Narcissa asked, cautious.

“I did it because I deserve to be happy. Back there I wasn’t in pain, but I was miserable. And I couldn’t pretend like it didn’t affect me, so I packed my stuff and left for a place that allowed me to grow. And here I am,” Mary smiled at her, nudging her arm, making Bunny hiss in agreement.

Narcissa was having severe flashbacks of a conversation she never had, a scene in a parallel universe where her family was slightly less dysfunctional and talking felt a lot more natural. She refused to tear up.

“Why didn’t you ask your brothers to come with you?” She asked, or rather, sobbed. Fuck.

“Because it was risky,” Mary answered, seeming to understand that this conversation had more layers than just simple curiosity. “Although it wasn’t the best, my house offered stability, and I can’t support two more people on my own. When the time comes, they’ll be free to leave and come to me, but I’m not a mother, Cissa, and I don’t have to play the role for them.”

Shit, she was about to cry. Shit, shit, shit.

Did Andy feel like that? Did she also consider taking her sisters with her, when she had left that night?

When Narcissa ran away, three different types of illegal substances numbed most of her feelings, so she couldn’t really draw a comparison between their experiences.

“They won’t understand, Mary. You can’t expect them to.” She replied, managing to make her voice sound a lot firmer than it actually was.

“And that’s fine. I’ll explain when the time comes,” Mary replied, sounding so sure, so calm, so mature for a twenty two year-old.

Then she added, smirking, “Maybe I’ll start by calling them.”

Narcissa shoved her.

~

Lily had informed Alice that she and Mary would soon start working together, but since MacDonald was already quite busy with the release of her debut album, they weren’t going to start writing together for a few more weeks.

Alice was grateful for the delay: Lily was determined to work with Mary, and the girl seemed really close to Narcissa Black.

So, simply put, Alice’s (already trembling) emotional stability was really close to falling apart.

No one knew of their relationship back when they were at Hogwarts, and no one knew that relationship was actually something more than friendship. A something that apparently still meant everything to Alice, and nothing to Narcissa, since after ten years, the first was still unable to move on, and the second had completely erased the other from her life.

But Alice remembered. Oh, she remembered so well.

All her songs revolved around Narcissa in one way or the other: the memory of her, the feelings Alice had for her. Everything, for everyone to hear. She would be lying if she didn’t admit that a small part of her, the weakest, hoped Narcissa heard them, too.

Alice’s creative process wasn’t a journey through emotions or stories she wanted to explore or create, it was an eternal war that always took place on the same battlefield.

The school, the dorm, her lips.

The whispers, the fights, her kisses.

Was it possible for a poet to worship, despise, cherish and reject their own muse all at the same time?

Oh, how a juvenile mistake can change someone’s life. Because that’s was what it was to Alice, a mistake. It should’ve never happened, even if it felt too good to be true, even if it’s what led her to fame.

Even if it felt like love.

Luckily, the possibility of meeting Narcissa were low, even considering Lily’s new project. She was going to work with Mary, not Narcissa, so she was still safe, for now.

Speaking of this Mary, Alice was was looking forward to meeting her: Lily had been talking about her for days, about how fun she was, how talented she was, how she seemed to completely ignore all the rumours about her. So when Lily told her Mary was going to be present on Saturday, Alice was extremely excited.

The party at the Potter’s had already started, and even though the ‘small gathering’ already counted more than seventy people, Peter was still nowhere to be seen: James, Sirius and Marlene had gone to pick him up, so they were going to come back soon. Even Regulus, who was bringing Pandora, still hadn’t shown up, but Dorcas Meadowes was already deep in a conversation with Euphemia Potter and Mrs Zabini, probably discussing Zabini’s next spring collection. Lily was somewhere with Frank and Benji, probably ignoring the champagne glasses in the living room in favour of the vodka shots available in the kitchen.

Since Alice refused to get drunk so soon, she was left chatting with people she didn’t know too well about things she didn’t really care about, but honestly, she was enjoying it. She was just talking to Molly Weasley (neé Prewett) about the challenges and difficulties of growing pumpkins (Molly worked with her brothers in the film industry so what would she know about growing pumpkins, Alice had no clue) when the doorbell rang. She heard Lily stumbling in her heels from the kitchen calling “It’s her! It’s her!”, but since Alice was closer, she went to get it.

She opened the door, and Narcissa Black was on the other side.

She opened the door, and Narcissa Black was on the other side.

And she was beautiful. She looked more mature now, healthier, but her attitude was as confident as ever.

Posture impeccable just like that day they met, when Alice had walked into her future dorm room and had found this blonde girl made of steel and ice staring down at her like she was a stray dog.

Her eyes were bright like every time Alice pulled out a cigarette in front of her, wordlessly convincing her to skip classes and lay on the grass together.

Narcissa looked like beauty and regret.

As time stretched indefinitely, Lily caught up to Alice and leant on the door frame, looking at the girl standing next to Narcissa. Because Mary was there, too.

“Mary, hi! You look gorgeous!” Lily greeted the girl, who thanked her and smiled brightly.

Alice tried to say something to Mary, but she couldn’t get her eyes off Narcissa. Of course she couldn’t, she never managed to.

Then Narcissa did something mad, horrid, monstrous.

She offered Alice her hand and spoke.

“Alice. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

Lily was now looking at Alice with faux surprise.

“You know each other?” she asked, innocently. Alice glared at her, because she knew Lily knew, and she knew Lily did it on purpose. Alice also instantly knew Marlene was part of this, too.

People these days, can’t even let you handle your problems unhealthily.

Then Narcissa spoke again, and of course Alice gave her her full attention, because she still reacted to her voice like a dog to whistle. Ten years later, still as pathetic as before.

“…You haven’t told them?”

Oh, she was offended. Now that made Alice’s blood boil.

“Ironic, that.” Narcissa added bitterly, letting her hand fall, untouched.

Alice felt her gaze harden, but kept her mouth shut. Instead, she did what she had learnt to do well in the past years when confronted with Narcissa Black: Alice turned on her heels, and walked away. She vaguely heard Lily taking her two guests to the living room to introduce them to Effie, before disappearing in the kitchen.

Turns out, it was just the right time to get drunk.

[beauty-and-passion]

Beau!! Hello! How have you been?

My dearest! I'm sorry for taking this long to reply, but things happened, which means one thing and one thing only: time for a life update post. This time, with healthy tips included ✨

_________________

Sleep is for the weak (and the not-weak)

Last week my mother had knee surgery. She had to do it something like 5 years ago, but hey, better late than never.

The problem wasn't the surgery per se: that went well and she's currently in a clinic for a rehabilitation period, so she can be followed by professionals.

The real problem arose right after the surgery: for the first three days, she was supposed to recover, sleep and start working out asap. But she couldn't do shit, because her roommate was an older lady, who:

had just recovered from Covid but was still suffering from heavy coughs

had dementia and talked by herself all the time

was half-deaf

And that means every goddamn night, that lady kept coughing, snoring and talking. For the entire night non-stop. Loudly.

My mother spent three days without being able to sleep. She managed to get 3/4 hours of sleep in total. With a throbbing, constant pain in the knee because of the surgery.

She asked to be moved elsewhere since day one, but no other room was available. She waited for three days, protesting and crying, until the doctors finally managed to find another room and moved her in immediately.

Now she's still suffering from the pain, but at least she can get some sleep. And the sleep did wonders already: she can bend her knee some more, stand up longer, and do more exercises at the gym. So the moral of the story is that if sleep is important for a healthy person, it becomes essential after such an invasive surgery - and even more if you're stuck in a bed because you can't go anywhere else.

_________________

There is never enough time

This year I finally entered the list of teachers in my area. Thanks to my degree (and the course I followed), I have been able to apply for two positions: German teacher and/or special educator. However, I am also working on getting enough credits to apply for English soon because... well, it's the language I use daily. Even now.

English aside, I know there are a ton of people on that list, so I didn't expect to get a call very soon. And yet, I got one last week and it was for German! Hence why, now (and for a month) I will replace a German teacher in two different schools.

I made something like 6 lessons for now and immediately learned a lot of things, like:

Every student has a different vibe: there's the 16yo who is overexcited, the 17yo who is full of personality and the 18yo who is interesting on a human level. There's the aloof student, the one who wants to learn and the one who looks at you with the happiness of a dead fish.

Speaking of grammar, I don't remember shit about German. Hence why my first "teaching days" have been a race against time of me trying to summarize all the rules of the German language on slides. Imagine putting down all the rules of a language on slides. Now imagine doing it in 3 days, with the nagging fear of "what I will say to the kids next week" and a mother who is constantly crying because she cannot sleep. The word "stress" doesn't convey enough of what I experienced, I was on a tightrope.

There is never enough time. I barely entered the school and immediately found out there are councils to attend and tests to do and students need grades and I should plan them too - but I should prepare the lessons as well and 24 hours are not enough for all this shit.

My need to get everything under control is becoming even more compulsive than usual: every free moment is made of planning, planning and more planning. And yes, that's the reason why I disappeared from Tumblr and from life in general. Only now I am slowly trying to get some of my life back, because after that huge peak of stress, I really need to relax a bit and do something for me and me only - like writing.

_________________

Being healthy can be fun

I've always had symptoms of gastrointestinal reflux, like stomach pains, slow digestion, late meals and being a fast eater in general. And, of course, a goddamn cough that keeps tormenting me for the entire winter, only to magically disappear as soon as spring comes.

Hence why last year I finally went to a gastroenterologist. He too thought I had all the symptoms, but I needed some medical checks to be sure.

Also, since I was bloated and overweight, he told me to follow the typical diet of someone with reflux. Which means:

No milk and dairy products (except very aged cheese), no red meat (i.e. beef, pig), no seafood, no bread, no pasta, no cookies/sweets, no legumes, no fruit (only apples, bananas and kiwis allowed), no drinks except for water, no fried stuff and no spicy/too seasoned stuff

Yes to white meat (poultry, rabbit), fish, vegetables, gluten-free pasta, rusks, eggs

That meant changing A LOT of things. Before that diet, I was eating healthy stuff overall, but I was also eating milk, dairy products, bread, pizza once a week, legumes and a ton of fruits with seeds. Heck, my breakfast was cookies and milk only, every day. Two of the things I couldn't eat anymore.

But hey, the doctor said it, so I followed his advice: I came back home, ate the last piece of my leftover pizza for dinner and gave all the stuff I couldn't eat to my mother. Then I went shopping the day after and got all the "allowed" foods.

I have been following this diet for one year and a half by now. And if the first day I was asking myself "will it work" and "what the heck can I eat", now this is how I live. And a lot of things changed.

First, my breakfast was boring and repetitive. Now I have a ton of options: any kind of vegetable milk, from oat to almond. But also soy yogurt, hummus, rusks, overnight porridge, fresh fruit, almonds and walnuts with honey, aged cheese, prosciutto, bresaola or eggs with vegetables. And always a cup of herbal tea.

Herbal teas are a blessing: almost no calories, but fill up nicely. And I can make them with stuff that grows in my garden, like laurel or mint leaves. Even apple peels are great!

I didn't always eat vegetables before. Now vegetables are on my table 24/7: as a salad, with couscous, with rice, with gluten-free pasta, in a soup, with eggs, together or by themselves.

Vegetables fill you up WAY more than junk foods, for less calories and for a longer time. That means I always eat a full plate of vegetables (sometimes even two plates) and be full for hours, while still losing weight.

Before, I ate too much processed food. It looked healthy (like premade rice, fishsticks, frozen minestrone and so on), but it was not. It never is. That's what made me gain so much weight and I realize it now.

I rediscovered the pleasure of cooking my own meals. Now I cook once a day (for dinner only) and double the amount, so I have the next day's lunch ready. And still, it doesn't take a lot of time: the stove or the oven does most of the job, all I do is cut stuff with a mandoline slicer and put it on a pot/on a pyrex. Also, it's cheaper than premade foods: if I buy the raw ingredients, I spend less money and can make more meals.

Before, my meals were too complicated and I used too many ingredients. Now my meals are much simpler - and that's not just great for my digestive system, but for me too, because I can enjoy the single ingredients more. Also, it takes less time to cook.

In conclusion: what I feared would've been an oppressive regime with limited choices was instead a way for me to discover foods I would've never eaten otherwise. Brussel sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower, rice cakes, oatmeal, hummus and Greek yogurt: those are all part of my life now and oh boy, how delicious they are.

In addition to the new diet, I also added a more serious exercise regimen. I am too lazy to go to a gym and I hate having people around, so I brought a yoga mat, put the gym clothes in the same spot and set on a daily alarm. Also, searched for different apps to guide me throughout the exercises and make a training session in my place.

I started with 20-min yoga sessions almost every day. Then added more beginner's training. Then tried tabata, moved to HIIT, then pilates. I just kept raising the bar and made my sessions last longer, until it became a routine. And now my routine includes:

20 min HIIT training (I switch focus between cardio, abs and core, lower and upper body)

20 min pilates

20 min yoga

I follow it 3 to 5 times a week, but I also walk more, use the bicycle and take the stairs. This alone would be pointless, if I am not as active as possible the rest of the day.

The result? I am 153 cm (5ft) tall and before I started this new regime, I weighed 64 kg (141 lb). Now I weigh 46kg (101 lb). I lost 18 kg in total and it has been a constant, slow change. At first 2 kilos every month, then one, sometimes not even one.

And during all this time, I never had huge expectations. I didn't even step on the scale for a long time. I just kept following the diet and doing sport and enjoying it. My only goal was to not get the winter cough.

I didn't even notice real changes, until after a while. They came all together and one day, all my pants were too loose and clothes that were too tight before now fit me perfectly.

And now I still keep that chill attitude: I plan my meals at the beginning of every month, so I can be sure of what to eat every day (also, it makes me happy to know what tasty meal will wait for me). I keep doing my exercises, because they help me relax (especially in these last stressful days).

And yes, once in a while, I get a treat not included in my diet. I mean, a diet is supposed to be what you habitually eat, not a temporary thing: it's only fair there may be things you're not supposed to eat too - like sweet treats, seafood, some dairy stuff or a pizza. What matters is that I can control myself, so I know that I get this treat now, but the rest of the time I will stick to my diet.

And, honestly, most of the time I don't even crave these things. I can eat just some and be okay. I am far from starving, after all, especially if I get some nice food, like today's meal: basmati rice with peas, Brussels sprouts, zucchini and pepperoni for a total of 500 grams aka 2 full plates. As I said, starving is out of question :P

So the moral of the story is:

If you're trying to lose weight and you're doing everything right but still don't lose it, seek medical help. I had no idea what I was doing wrong, until I checked with an expert.

If you get a diet, stick with it religiously, especially at the beginning. Ran from all temptations, because they can be very strong - especially at the beginning. Then you can come back and face them, when you will be in control.

Do some sport, especially yoga. It doesn't just help you lose weight, but clears your mind and makes you feel better. And don't push yourself too much: you're supposed to do it more times a week, so just start slowly and build resistance. It's better to do a little every day, than give your full self one day and recover the next 2 weeks because you're too sore. Once you will get enough strength, you will be the first to realize you want to do more.

Have fun and chill. Results won't come the day after, just do your things, eat good food and do some good exercise. And enjoy life in general: it would be all pointless, otherwise.

[sopiloveshobi]

Picture

What happens when you cover for your best friend in front of her family? Eventually smut, +18 please proceed with caution. Can be found on my AO3 as well. 10k words. Hope you enjoy. 48 days till sunshine is back!

Min Jee and you. Two best friends since the both of you remember. You started hanging out probably around primary school, went to the same secondary school. For the past two years you were both attending the same Uni, doing different courses. Most of the days your classes started and ended around the same time so it wasn’t a problem for you to continue being inseparable. You didn’t have any other close friends, it was always just the two of you.

Your families were on somewhat friendly terms. Each side knew that their child will be fed and safe and taken care of and that kind of trust continued over the years between the two families. You were really friendly with Min Jee’s parents, especially with her mum. They were both so similar, you found it really easy to discuss things with her or ask for advice. You were also quite friendly with Min Jee’s older brother, Hoseok. He was few years older than you and was always on your side. Both of your sides. He was the best older brother you could ever ask for, even though you were an only child. He would always cover for the two of you, he would pick you up from places, parties, dates when they didn’t go as planned. He would drive you to places and even take you shopping at times. He was kind. Very kind and very warm. You were always jealous that Min Jee could count on him so much. So could you actually. There were numerous occasions  were you were picked up by Hoseok in his car from a shitty date or a party on which Min Jee didn’t wasn’t allowed to go. He would drive you home if you needed to go back after staying up late In his sister room. It wasn’t unusual for him to help you and take care of you like that.

Hoseok had a friend group, and together they made seven. You met them on some occasions but they rarely hung out at Min Jees house anyway. Although it must have been often enough because now that the two of you were at university and attended a lot of different parties one of her brothers friends started being interested in Min Jee. Kim Seokjin, the oldest of the group. If he ever was on the party that the two of you went, he would always mingle around came to say hi and sometimes you would catch them on a balcony, completely on their own, chatting the night away. There was absolutely no way that Hoseok could find out. He was extremely overprotective over his sister, especially in the dating department. None of his friends met his stupid standards and weren’t good enough to date his little sister. Well at least that’s what he thought because it seemed like both Min Jee and Seokjin were slowly falling for each other. They never went on an official date because of that reason but they did meet quite frequently and at the start you believed that they were coincidences but after a while you realised it was pre planned to look like a coincidence.

‘Please, please! Do this for me. All you have to do is come here and hang out for a bit and then I will text you, or won’t doesn’t matter and you will say you’re joining me at this party. But in reality you will just go back home’ Min Jees had genius plan on how to stay the night at Seokjins, without raising any suspicions.

‘And what if your brother will want to give me a ride? Where will he drive me, to mine?!’ you chuckled at the entire idea. ‘You know he will sniff my lie right away, he’s not your parents’ you added.

‘What if I will have Seokjin call him and you will be able to just leave?’ she wouldn’t give up. This girl was evil.

‘Okay okay, I will try! Will the key by under the frog as usually?’ you asked and she nodded.

‘Does that mean you’re saying yes?’ Min Jee got up from your bed and started running across the room to you.

‘Yes, I’m saying yes. Who else will do this for you? Just use condoms I beg you, I am too young to be an aunt’ you rolled your eyes and opened your arms to hug her.

‘Yes mum!’ she pretended to salute you, smiling brightly.

‘Right, when is the d-day?’ you asked and pulled her away from yourself.

‘Tomorrow night! Speaking of I need to go and pick up few things from the shop on the way home, I better get going..’ she picked up her backpack from your rooms floor and shoved books that you were using only few minutes ago back inside.

‘What time do you need me to come around to yours to make it believable then?’ you wanted to make sure all the details of you evil plan were discussed ahead of time.

‘I want to say about 5? You can say that I still have classes and promised to meet you at mine to get ready for a party. That should do it’ she nodded, waved at you and disappeared behind your door. ‘I will text you’ she shouted from the distance and was gone.

***

You finished your classes and as promised you have started going towards the Jungs house. You weren’t in the hurry, at the end of the day you were literally about to sit in their kitchen for few hours to then be stood up by their daughter and leave to meet her at a party. So you decided to walk, at least from the station to their home. Sometimes you would get ride from Hoseok, but today was definitely not the time to ask him for a lift to HIS house.

It took you about thirty minutes to get there, however about half way there it started raining. Very lightly at first but the rain got heavier as you kept walking. By the time you reached your best friends house, you were half soaked. Only half though, only the top layer of your clothes were actually wet. You gotten to the house and climbed the three steps to their porch. Roofless porch. You grabbed the statue of the frog, lifted it up and there was no key. Fuck. Now what? You thought to yourself. The whole plan goes to shit with this stupid frog. You couldn’t let her down and because you were already wet, it was way past 5 someone should be home soon. You sat on the top stair and just accepted your fate and the rain. You hair was now completely wet and you started feeling water going inside your shoes. Luckily not that long after you hear the sound of an engine and Hoseoks car shows up on the driveway. He looked out of the window and saw you sitting there soaked through so he rushed out and went to the door.

‘What are you doing here? Why aren’t you inside?’ he asked like it was a natural course of the day, that you would use the key from under the frog and let yourself in.

‘Because the fucking frog didn’t have my key’ you pointed at the poor statue like it was it’s fault that some took the key.

‘Ah, I completely forgot. Mum took the key to cut a new one and actually give you your own one’ he said looking at that frog and slapped his forehead when he remember where the key went. ‘Anyway, lets get you inside. You are all soaked!’ he was so warm, so caring. He let you go ahead. You walked inside and left your backpack at the door and your soaked shoes. Your socks had some water inside as well so you were hoping you won’t make too much of a mess. And then you sneezed. Hoseok was on his way to the kitchen but as you made noise he froze and turned around with a drilling look on his face.

‘Excuse me’ you added looking at him with an apologetic expression.

‘Oh you’re totally going to be ill aren’t you? Let’s get you a hot bath’ he turned around and run upstairs right away. How thoughtful. He closed the drain in the tub and started running hot water. You slowly made your way upstairs and poked your head at the bathrooms door.

‘Come in, towel is on this hanger here for you’ he pointed with his finger ‘And em, when you get undressed please leave the clothes by the door so I can run them in a tumble dryer for you okay?’ you could tell he was maturing so fast. He was so thoughtful and welcoming.

‘Sure, thanks a lot’ you answered with a really apologetic look on your face. You really didn’t want to bother him that much but all of this didn’t have him ask you about his sister so at least he plan was going well.

‘I will make some ramyeon, it will be waiting downstairs’ he added and closed the door behind him. It wasn’t unusual. None of this. Maybe apart from the part that you were actually have a warm bath in their house but you stayed over night multiple times before, you had hundreds of dinners and breakfasts downstairs.

You slowly lowered yourself into the bath and left your soaked clothes at the door just as he instructed. The water was so warm and welcoming and you already started feeling better. Not long after you finally got yourself fully immersed into the water, a quiet knock on the door.

‘I will just grab the clothes okay? I won’t look’ he added and literally only reached with his arm through the tiniest gap in the door and shut it behind him again. You chuckled as it wasn’t that big of a deal for you but he was so polite and respectful. And warm. Hold on, since when did you not care that he might see you naked?

You sat in the bath for a while and when the water started getting colder, you got out and wrapped yourself in the towel that Hoseok kindly left for you. Now, your clothes were gone and you were definitely not going out in just the towel, it was way too short. Then on the hook right next to the one you just took your towel off was a pair of jogging bottoms and a stretched white t-shirt. You thought it might be Min Jees but when you put it on you realised it was Hobis. Well better than the towel. You have cleaned the bathroom after yourself and opened the door to let the steam out. Holding the towel in one of you hands you made your way downstairs, trying to dry your hair.

Hoseok was done making ramyeon and left it with his mums made sides on the table and was about to go upstairs to his room. He looked up to the staircase and then he saw you. In his clothes. Puffy red cheeks, wet hair falling down on his white t-shirt, his jogging bottoms slightly sliding down from your hips and the look in your eyes. He stopped breathing for a second. What the hell is this shit show? Why is his little sisters best friend turned hot in the span of few minutes? He felt a tingle in his trousers and he felt like his ears started turning red. He realised he was staring for a second so he coughed loudly and you realised how close he was.

‘Thanks for that. Oh, this. I’m sorry, you didn’t really bring my clothes back and the towel was really short so I just grabbed what was at hand. I hope you don’t mind? I will take it home and clean it’ you quickly explained yourself wearing his clothes but he seemed absent. ‘Hoseok?’ you waved at his face and then he started blinking again, like his brain needed a restart.

‘Ah yeah that, don’t worry about it. Your food is on the table’ he pointed back at the dining room, which you knew where it was anyway. He moved swiftly next to you and went upstairs and loudly shut door to his room. That was odd. He would always sit with you and ask you about yours classes and parties planned for the weekend. But now? Nothing?

He walked into his room, shut the door and held his head. Walking there and back for a while he couldn’t control himself all of a sudden. You drove him mad with this one picture of yourself. With this very one sight and him laying his eyes on you he couldn’t think of anything else. He took his phone out and furiously texted his best friend ‘Joon I lost my mind, please help me come back to my senses’ he sent the text and his phone chimed very soon after he sent the message ‘What do you mean?’ was the response he received. ‘Min Jees best friend is in my house’ he sent it back. So? Nothing new right? It wasn’t anything out of ordinary and that’s why Namjoon was really confused. ‘What do you mean, she stays like 5 times a week anyway’ he answered. ‘She’s hot’ Hoseok responded without playing around the bush anymore. He typed another messaged before Namjoon was able to respond ‘And we are all alone here’. He popped his phone on his bed and sat at his desk.

In the meantime you were slurping on the ramyeon made by Hobi good few minutes before. Your hair started drying and you realised your phone is still in your backpack. You stopped eating and went to the door to grab your phone. Pulled it out and walked back to the table, grabbed the plastic bowl and sat yourself on the sofa.

‘Since when do you think she’s hot?’ Namjoon answered the text and then decided to just call Hoseok instead of playing chase.

‘What the fuck man?’ Hoseok picked up and that was the first question that Joon had on top of his tongue.

‘She is wearing my clothes, wet hair, all pink cheeks. I don’t know what to do!’ he was going crazy, he couldn’t stop thinking about you, couldn’t take that picture from infront of his eyes.

‘You better do nothing. You treated the girl like your sister for years, you can’t just change and use her trust like this’ it was a good advice. He couldn’t. he shouldn’t. You felt comfortable enough to come around on your own and stay because of your relationship with him and his sister. He couldn’t betray that. ‘Now go downstairs and act civil’ and he hung up on him. He threw his phone his bed and shut the door behind him. Took the stairs down and found you on the sofa. Slight less wet but still messy hair, still rosy cheeks and his clothes on you as you were slurping noodles from the bowl on the sofa. He sat next to you and just observed and every time you would look at him, he would smile wider and wider. You were beautiful. He never noticed, but you were just so pretty. Maybe because he knew you for so long since you were kids and you never looked at you this way but today. Today you were perfect in his eyes. Gorgeous eyes, pretty nose and the cute smile he would kill for. But he couldn’t do anything about it so the first thing that came to mind was the very thing that was connecting the two of you. Min Jee.

‘Where is my sister?’ he finally asked you after the staring contest the two of you had.

‘She had few more classes than I did today and wanted me to come hang before we leave for the evening’ you were trying to sound super casual, like there wasn’t any hidden agenda or lie behind all of this. After you said that it didn’t really sit with you right though. You didn’t like lying to him. He was the only guy who you always told the full truth and he could handle it and take care of the consequences of your actions.

‘Were are you guys going?’ he continued with the questions to distract himself from the fact that his t-shirt on you started slowly falling down one of your shoulders. He wasn’t looking, he was really trying his best no to look at what appeared to be very soft patch of your skin, exposed right in front of him.

‘There is this party, Min Jee really wanted to go to. She promised to meet me here and get ready before we go’ you added. It sounded very convincing.

‘Ah I see, need a ride?’ of course he did. You knew this is going to happen. He always offered and you never declined. Neither you or Min Jee every declined a lift from him, this will be so unnatural for you to say no to.

‘No I think we will be fine today you know?’ you rolled your eyes and continued picking the noodles from the bowl. That sentence is what fucked it.

‘Right, so where is she really?’ he repeated his initial question. You couldn’t fool him. You lied and he knew you too well to not find out. Besides you were just looking at him with your big doe like eyes, looking all spooked and emotional.

‘She em, I told you’ you tried to fight it but you knew you were busted. Now how were you planning on save the situation was the question.

‘Spare me the lies. What happened? You never lie to me. Neither of you’ he looked worried. He turned his head to the side and his face changed. He looked disappointed. Why did he look disappointed? And why did you feel horrible for lying to him. Not a big deal, just a your best friends older brother.

‘She’s been seeing someone and they are uhm have a date’ you smiled with your teeth covered in sauce from the food. He shook his head and got up from the sofa. You could tell his pressure raised a slightly as he started pacing around the room.

‘Is she planning on spending the night?’ he turned dramatically to you and you couldn’t lie to that face. You nodded and you knew the second you did he will explode. ‘Fuck, you better tell me where and we will go and get her’ he sat back next to you.

‘Cmon Hoseok…’ you used your softest voice you could imitate ‘We aren’t kids anymore and I think she really likes the guy. Just let her be. I know shes safe and he won’t hurt her’ you reassured him but he wouldn’t buy it.

‘Nobody will lay hands on my sister’ he started getting red on his face and was ready to jump out and go to the car.

‘How about we watch a film together?’ you changed the subject. Just finished your food and it seemed like a good idea to just try and distract him for as long as you could, before you could text Min Jee and let her know she is busted. At least in front of her brother she was.

Hoseoks head turned back at you. This whole story with his sister distracted him enough to not think about you this way for a second but now you wanted to hang out? Just the two of you? Oh lord, there is no way he will be able to control himself.

‘What film?’ he asked and looked at your face.

‘I don’t know, just fancy a film. It’s really cosy here and it’s raining outside and it feels like a perfect time for a film, don’t you think?’ of course you had an agenda. He just thought it was completely different than what it actually was. You were stalling. I mean nothing you have said was a lie, you did feel cosy and a film felt like a good idea. You had no other plans for that day and uni work could always wait for another day. He looked outside the window and the rain got even heavier.

‘Tea?’ he asked and passed the remote controller towards you.

‘Sure, make it nice and steamy please’ you added. Again, not intention behind your words. You weren’t really thinking anything but every word you said felt like an ache to him. Steamy? Was she out of her mind? He thought to himself but decided to play along whatever silly game you had in mind. He went to the kitchen and put the kettle on. His phone was still upstairs so he decided to run quickly upstairs and see if anyone wanted anything from him. He run back with his phone in his pocket.

‘Aren’t your parents coming home soon? Maybe we should go to Min Jees room or yours in case they want to rest after work?’ you were so thoughtful. He looked at you with the biggest adoration in his eyes. You cared for his parents so much and he really appreciated it. As much as he was currently struggling with his own feelings, you loved how considered you were to his family, which he always put first.

‘Not a bad shout, they should be home soon’ he smiled at you. Anytime he did smile at you this way you felt so warm inside. Like the rain outside didn’t really exist at all. He finished making the tea and handed you your cup and the both of you headed upstairs. You looked at each other for a second as you automatically headed to the right, where Min Jees room was and he went to the left where his room was.

‘Lets go to mine, I don’t feel like snooping around her room when she’s not here’ he pointed at the door of his room and you nodded with agreement. Only fair. Even thought you have spent hours in that room on your room previously, waiting for your best friend to come home from school, part time job or a date.

His room was spotless as always. You have been there before a few times but never for longer than few minutes at the time. His bed neatly made, curtains open widely, books stacked on the shelf and no sight of clothes, dirty underwear or anything else you were used to seeing Min Jees room. You thought of her then and you smiled to yourself, hoping she was having good time with Seokjin and she wasn’t crossing any of the lines she didn’t want to. You liked Seokjin and you didn’t think he wasn’t going to cause any trouble but of course you were worried. She was your best friend, on her own with an older man.

‘You okay?’ Hoseok put his tea down on a coaster of his desk and walked up to you. Touched your shoulder seeing you smiling and staring into the abyss. His fingers were so soft and the second he touched you, you looked up and saw his stare.

‘Sorry, I was just hoping Min Jee is having a good time’ you didn’t want to lie to him anymore. You were two (three with Min Jee) adults and there was no reason to be silly.

‘I hope I won’t have to call my friends and go and find this guy’ he said slightly worrying and smiled. Fuck. I hope he really won’t hurt her because if Hoseok will find out HIS best friend is currently doing his sister and you knew about it, he won’t forgive you.

‘Right, what are we going to watch?’ you looked at the tv mounted on the wall and grabbed a sip from the steaming hot tea that you were still holding.

‘I don’t know, just put whatever. I really don’t mind’ he grabbed his tea from the desk and saw you slowly making your way to his bed. You sat on top of it and slowly shimmied yourself to the wall making room for him. Messy hair, his clothes that were so oversized on you, rosy cheeks, hot tea in your hand in his bed. He turned around for a second and held his own forehead. What the fuck is he suppose to do, when he can’t really help it anymore how his body was reacting to this sight. He took a deep breath and smiled widely as he always did to mask any emotions that were currently running around the inside of his body. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he put his cup on the bed side table and opened the phone before sitting. Based on his last text, he really couldn’t have you reading any messages right now.

‘If I were you, I would make my move’ he was expected the text from Joon but it was Jimin. How did he already know? This fuck already told him, didn’t he? He bet he already posted it in their group chat. He swooped to the group chat conversation and there it was, his screenshot of the text that he sent to Joon ‘She’s hot’ and all his friends reacting and commenting. Ah he thought he will kill him but for now he couldn’t do anything. He just locked his phone when it buzzed again. He only read the message on the screen ‘Ask her out, but be respectful’ this text came from Yoongi. What was he supposed to do now? Half of his friends were now plotting behind his back. He locked the phone back and left it on his desk. He got himself onto the bed next to you. The bed wasn’t very big, so he scooched next to you, slightly touching your shoulder. His fresh scent started lingering around you. He smelled so nice. You never really noticed before. You looked up on his face and saw his gorgeous features from the profile, sharp jawline and pointy small nose. He was looking for a film to watch and you were looking at him. You felt really safe and cosy and you already started feeling tired, expecting to actually fall asleep when the film will start. He felt that you were watching him so he turned his face to you and smiled widely. His eyes turned into half moons, beautiful straight white set of teeth filled his smile.

‘Ready?’ he asked and you nodded, smiling back at him. You tried to give him a softer smile, not one of your silly goof ones. It’s like you all of a sudden started caring what he thought of you. He put the film on. You never seen it before, neither you remember the title but it was supposed to be funny. Great, not the film you pictured on this really nice cosy day when it’s pouring outside but you didn’t mind. You were on a mission.

***

In the meantime Min Jee was hanging out with Seokjin in his flat. They started cooking together, playfully make a mess and overall enjoyed the quality time they finally planned together. Seokjins phone buzzed few times and he checked the messages.

‘Min Jee, didn’t you say your best friend is currently trying to occupy your brother whilst you’re here?’ he gulped staring at the messages. She was a little bit confused because that was exactly what was planned but why was he asking this again all of a sudden?

‘Yeah, we had the entire plan…’ she looked over his shoulder and saw the screenshot in the group chat, where Hoseok said ‘she’s hot’ and then the rest cheering him on, mentioning your name few times.

‘Holy fuck, Min Jee. Your brother…’ Seokjin started giggling reading all of those messages and couldn’t believe this.

‘She was supposed to sit there for a bit and go home, not sleep with him?!’ this was the very first time Min Jee lost the trust in your friendship. She appreciated the gesture but she thought you betrayed her. You used the situation to get to her brother. Which was absolutely not the case.

‘Well, not sure what she is doing but just so you know your brother never talks about anyone this way. He does talk about her a lot though, overall. But I just thought it was because the two of you hung out a lot’ Jin wasn’t helping. He was adding to the spiral Min Jee was currently going into.

‘She used me to get to him?’ she didn’t really believe the words she was saying. Because you were friends for years. If you liked her brother surely you would of told her that, even after years. It didn’t really make sense but Min Jee always acted on her emotions. She sent you a text ‘I can’t believe you have done this to me’ but decided to stay the night with the man she was seeing. She didn’t really want to go home now.

***

The film was funny but you really started feeling how heavy your head felt. You finished your tea and let Hobi took the cup away from you. Eventually you slowly slid down, from sitting to more laying like position. You put your head more towards his shoulder and he didn’t even think twice and put his arm up and you wrapped it around yourself. He didn’t even blink, he didn’t think. It was so cosy and warm and he loved cuddling. You closed your eyes and fell asleep. He looked at you when a funny moment in the film came up and saw you dozed off. He smiled to himself and moved pieces of hair from your face. He heard a quiet knock on the door and saw his mum poking her head through the door. When she saw you were asleep and Hoseok was showing that you fell asleep she smiled at you and nodded, almost like allowing you to keep sleeping and close the door behind her. None of this seemed out of ordinary with the relationship you had with the family but it was. You never slept in his room, you never been around him. You never hugged him. Yet somehow on this rainy day, you were wrapped with his arm around you, in his bed sound asleep. He thought it was the sweetest thing and decided to take a picture. Not of you, not in a weird way. He framed the picture that it was showing a little bit of your hair and your hand holding his wrapped arm. It was very artistic but also very cute. And that was the moment he promised himself to actually ask you out. He didn’t know why all of those emotions took over him but it definitely made sense. You both knew each other for years, you were close, he thought you were really good looking but never had occasion to look at you looking like that. Adorable and sweet and so hot at the same time. He sent the picture to the group chat. He was too excited.

Namjoon: Ah I told you to be respectful

Yoongi: I swear you were supposed to ask her out first

Jimin: LET’S GO BRO

Taehyung: LET’S GO BRO2

Seokijn *seen*

Jungkookie: Hyung, this looks so cute.

***

You opened your eyes and realised it was really late. It turned dark outside and Hoseok was no where to found. You sat up and wiped your face. You took your phone out of the pocket and saw the text from Min Jee ‘I can’t belive you’ve done this to me’. You were so confused and your first thought was that when you fell asleep Hoseok went to find her and found out about her and Seokjin. You got up from the bed really fast and started walking towards the door. That’s when the door opened and you heard his soft voice again.

‘You’re up! I brought you dinner…’ he looked down at the tray he was carrying in his hand.

‘I thought you left..’ you said and started panting. You were now really worried and stressed and didn’t really know what to do. You started being worried about Min Jee but you didn’t know if breaking the promise and spoiling her date was the best idea because of one text. And the text didn’t say help or anything like that.

You smiled apologetically for just standing there for a second staring into nothing.

‘Thank you. I will eat fast and then I will go home. I’m so sorry I was waiting for Min Jee and the time went by so fast..’ you were trying to explain yourself but he just smiled. His face changed. Something about the way he was looking at you was different. His smile was still warm but he looked with just so much patience and love. Love? You must be crazy, he is your best friends older brother.

‘I will drop you off. Let’s be honest, she isn’t coming home and you aren’t going to a party’ he answered and walked inside and closed the door behind him. You didn’t say anything else but ate the dinner his mum prepared for you and started grabbing your things.

‘My clothes, did you manage to get them dry? I will change…’you started looking around like your clothes were to be in his room.

‘I did but you can keep this for now, I will just get a bag for you so you can take your things with’ he answered. He was always polite and nice and helpful but this felt different. Almost domestic like? He wanted you to keep those clothes, his clothes. You didn’t protest because you were really comfortable the past few hours wearing them so you nodded and went downstairs to grab your shoes and backpack. You saw Mr and Mrs Jung on the sofa, drinking tea and bowed to them.

‘Thank you so much for the dinner and letting me stay, again…’ you were a little bit ashamed but they waived at you and nodded. His mum did double take looked at you seeing his sons clothes on you but she didn’t question anything. She got up from the sofa and came to give you a hug before you leave.

‘I would love for you to see my son more than my daughter’ she whispered into your ear and your expression changed. From warm and smiling to just completely frozen. Did she just? What does she mean? You didn’t really know what to say so you hugged her back and you went outside. Nervously panting there and back waiting for Hobi to come out. He finally did with a bag filled with your now dry clothes and his car keys in his hand.

‘Why did your mum just offered me to date you?’ you asked him, staring him deep into his eyes. His ears turned red and he looked away for a second.

‘Ah, you know she just wants to get me married fast’ he laughed and tried brushing it off. What the fuck was she thinking? Why would she say something like that? He didn’t tell her anything, of course yes she saw you sleeping in his bed on his shoulder but there was just no need for this.

‘Right, I don’t think I would be the right fit for that’ you chuckled and moved towards the car. You lied. Because it did now cross your mind. He was always around but you never though of him not being there. He was always in your memories and any big events of your life. He was always there, right next to Min Jee.

‘Let’s get you home’ he handed you the bag with your clothes and you put it with your backpack at the back seat and got yourself at the front. The entire way to your house neither of you said anything. And this was probably one of the only times this happened. Even when you were drunk out of your mind he always managed to have a conversation with you. Even then but today. You smiled politely when he pulled up to your house and just left. Grabbed your things from the back seat and went towards the door of your house. He sat there for a second banging his fingers on the steering wheel and watched you walk to the door. ‘Ahh I need to do something don’t i?’ he thought to himself and got out of the car. The engine still going, the door shut loudly and you turned around.

You saw him walking towards you, slightly wobbly and shy not really looking at your face at all.

‘Please go out with me’ is the only thing that came out of his mouth. He nervously looked up from his shoes to your face and finally found your eyes and locked them with his.

Holy fucking shit. Jung Hoseok, the older brother of my best friend that I know for years asked you out? You didn’t know what to think, but you instantly blushed and millions of butterflies just hatched in your stomach.

‘I..’ your voice shaky, eyes still locked with his. He was getting more and more nervous. ‘Why?’ was the only thing that you could say. And just like that he lost the control he had over himself, the anxiety took over him and he looked away from you.

‘Never mind’ he mumbled under his breath and started walking to the car. Rejected. Already upset. Already playing scenarios in his head how you will now avoid his sister and their house because of his awakening.

‘Hoseok’ you shouted after him and he stopped and turned around.

‘Yes?’ there was no hope in his eyes, just sad puppy face pouting at you.

‘I didn’t say no. I just got scared’ you added and he smiled and nodded.

‘I will pick you up tomorrow’ he answered and went back to his car and didn’t even wait for you to get in, got into his car and left. You couldn’t believe this actually happened. You span around yourself few times before you walked inside. Then it hit you, that you still didn’t know what Min Jee’s text meant. You pulled your phone out and dialled her number but she didn’t pick up. You tired again but still nothing. You decided to leave it for the next day.

***

The next day there was still no word from Min Jee, at least you didn’t hear anything because she did sneak into the house early in the morning. You woke up and checked your phone, still nothing. What is going on? You were sure that she would call you, text you or something. She spend the first night at Seokjins and there was nothing to share with you? That was not like her at all. You send her a text ‘All fine?’ because you really started to get worried and the response you received was shocking. The message she texted you back was something you have never heard your best friend calling anyone. ‘WHORE’. You? Whore? What? What part did you miss? What happened. You send her question marks back but nothing came back. You tried calling but you couldn’t get through, it was like she blocked you. What the hell Min Jee?

You couldn’t just leave it like this, she was your only and your best friend. You were inseparable. What possible could have happened for her to act like this. You did sleep in Hoseoks clothes from the day before, because you were so excited about the prospect of maybe going on a date with him. But you couldn’t show up to their house like that. You showered and put your favourite dungarees on with a thick jumper underneath. You knew you might bump into Hobi so you made sure to look cute, little bit of make up but nothing crazy. You walked all the way to Jungs house and knocked on the main door. No response so you knocked again and then before you managed to put your arm down Min Jee sprung out of the door right at you.

‘How could you do this to me!? I trusted you?!’ she shouted and started flying her arms at you.

‘What have I done? I have covered for you like you asked! I don’t know whats going on!’ you answered trying to defend yourself. You looked up and saw Hoseok looking through his window what is going on outside and when he saw Min Jee furious he started running downstairs.

‘You slept with my brother you bitch!’ Min Jee screamed and tears started rolling down her eyes.

‘Are you insane?! DO YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING LIKE THIS?’ you couldn’t believe what she was saying and more importantly where did she take this from.

‘I SAW THE TEXT, I SAW THE PICTURE’ Min Jee answered slowly stopping her arms and sobbing.

‘WHAT PICTURE AND WHAT TEXT? I have done nothing but protected you Min Jee’ you were out of breath from trying to run away from her and shouting at her at the same time.

‘I don’t ever want to see you again…’ she said and just like that you had enough. She wouldn’t listen to you, she wouldn’t explain and she was just ending things like this, fine. You had no intentions of ever going back, if she didn’t trust you. You run out of the gate and on the street towards your house.

Hobi just managed to get downstairs and looked at Min Jee sobbing on her knees.

‘What the fuck? Where did she go? What happened?’ he was really confused but slowly picked up Min Jee from the ground and wrapped his arms around her.

‘I can’t believe you slept with my best friend’ she whispered crying into his shoulder.

‘What? We didn’t? What are you saying?’ Hoseok was as confused as you.

‘I saw the picture you have sent to the group chat’ she admitted not realising that this will blow her cover up completely.

‘We were just watching a film and she fell asleep… nothin. Hold on? How did you send a message I have sent to the group chat with MY friends?’ he stopped himself for a second and got instantly really angry. ‘Who's the guy who you stayed at yesterday?’ fuck Min Jee, you just blew up the entire cover.

‘Nobody you know’ she thought she can somehow lie herself out of this situation, but at this stage you were already back home, sobbing into your pillow.

‘Well clearly someone I know, since you had access to the group chat’ Hoseok let go of her and got really annoyed.

‘I’ve been seeing…please don’t be mad. I really like him, it’s been months now and I was really afraid to tell you’ but he wasn’t letting her just avoid telling the truth. ‘It’s Seokjin’ she finally admitted and Hobi swore out loud.

‘And why did you think me and Y/N slept together? She came here and worked her ass off to cover for you all day and majority of the evening, she spent time with me to make sure I won’t go and get you, and you just assumed?’ he was really upset with his sister so he left her outside and went upstairs.

***

You were sobbing into your pillow. You were so angry with Min Jee because she didn’t believe you after all of the work you put and effort making sure she will have a nice time with Seokjin. And a photo? He took a photo of you? All of a sudden both of the Jungs weren’t trustworthy to you anymore. It’s like in few seconds all of those years got erased. You felt really alone so you crawled into your bed and put your headphones on. Listening to music slowly calmed you down and you managed to fall asleep.

You woke up to your phone buzzing few times. You looked and saw SEVERAL messages from people.

***

14:34 Min Jee: We need to talk. I’m really sorry.

14:35 Min Jee: Please don’t ignore me, I really fucked up. Hobi know about me and Seokjin.

14:50 Min Jee: I’m sorry that was selfish, please answer we need to talk.

15:45 Min Jee: I don’t want to force myself onto you, please let me know when you are ready

16:13 Min Jee: I swear, I have never fucked up like that in my life. Please let’s talk

16:53 Min Jee: I will come by in the evening, hope we can talk

10 missed calls from Min Jee

***

14:14 Hoseok: I hope we can talk

15:23 Hoseok: I have taken a picture but it’s literally just a piece of your hair and our arms

16:20 Hoseok: I was really excited to see you today

1 missed call from Hoseok

***

15:30 Namjoon: Hey, I know I probably am the last person you might want to talk to but let me know if you want to chat.

***

16:21 Jungkookie: It’s Jungkookie, call me when you get this

Holy fucking shit. You were asleep for one few hours but it looked like shit hit the fan. You didn’t really know what to do or who to speak to so you rang Jungkook.

‘Hey, are you okay?’ you heard his sweet voice on the other side of the phone.

‘I just woke up, I would assume you know what happened. Can you please tell me what did he send to that fucking group chat?’ your voice was quite cold, even though you were always fond of the guy, you weren’t close enough and right know you needed someone further away from this shit to tell you what actually happened.

‘Hoseok hyung was really surprised you to see you in his clothes and he was texting Namjoon hyung about it when you were staying at his. But Namjoon hyung told him to be respectful and not betray your trust since you knew each other for so long. But then Namjoon hyung posted the text from Hoseok hyung to the group chat. Because Min Jee was with Seokjin at the time, which I only found out about few hours ago – she saw the text Hoseok hyung sent to Namjoon hyung. She saw him saying you are hot and probably assumed that you two you know. But then Yoongi hyung told Hoseok hyung to be good and ask you out first at least. So that’s kind of what happened. Oh and yeah we all know now that Min Jee was seeing Seokjin hyung and she was with him that night and Hoseok hyung lost his mind over it but then he said something about ‘we aren’t kids anymore’. When Jungkook said the last words you knew it was something you told Hoseok earlier that day. You told him to pipe down a little bit and let Min Jee breathe.

‘Right. So where does the picture come from?’ you tried to gather all of the information given to you.

‘I assume the picture Hoseok hyung posted in the group chat was when you were just hanging out? It was just a little piece of your hair and you leaning on his shoulder, you could mainly just see how you hold hands. Cute if you ask me’ so Hoseok wasn’t lying. The picture was really innocent. There wasn’t anything incriminating there, you didn’t forget half of the evening.

‘Is Hoseok really mad at Min Jee?’ you asked Jungkook.

‘I don’t think so, he was for a bit but then he called Seokjin hyung and they talked for like an hour or so and it all got somehow sorted out. You were the only one not answering and everyone got really worried’ Jungkook finished the story.

‘Thanks. Is it okay if I hang up now? I need to put this all back together in my head’ you asked politely, grateful that he offered to talk when you didn’t really know what to do.

‘Please take care’ you’ve heard and you finished the call.

You decided to call Min Jee first. Then you hung up and realised she said she will come and see you. You didn’t really know whether you should or shouldn’t answer to Hobis texts so you just left him on read just like Min Jee. You went to the kitchen and grabbed something to eat in the meantime. What should you do? You were waiting for the water to boil in the kettle the door bell went off. You didn’t think twice and went to the door to open it. And there she was. Min Jee standing there with a pout on her face, looking all sad and sorry for herself.

‘What do you want?’ you answered and let the door open as you walked towards your boiling now kettle.

‘Apologise…’ she said still pouting walking behind you. She closed the door and followed you to the kitchen where she observed you making yourself ramyeon.

‘For what exactly? The fact that I always defended you and you just believed what your stupid head was telling you not my words? Or for the fact your brother took a picture of me without me know? Or maybe for not thanking me when I defended you and tried so hard to keep your secret protected?’ You laid it all out on the table in front of her.

‘All I guess. I am really sorry. I really am! I got really jealous all of a sudden, you know my brother didn’t really date a lot and I don’t really know what possessed me. Because at the end of the day you were there for me and… I am really sorry.’ She explained herself and you accepted her apology because it was honest. That was always the only requirement whenever shit hit the fan between the two of you. Honesty.

‘It’s fine Min Jee. I don’t know what is like to have a sibling so I understand you can be overprotective over each other. I will remember though how quickly you lost your faith in me though’ you teased her and pour water into another bowl to give to your best friend.

‘About Hoseok…’ she started shyly. Here we go. You didn’t know if you had enough strength to discuss this part of the drama.

‘Here we go…’ you moaned and turned around from her to face the other way.

‘I suspected he liked you for a while. I saw the way he was treating you and how sometimes he looked at you. I know he didn’t mean any harm with the picture. You know him. You know he just likes collecting memories. Not that is it an excuse but I would be really happy for the two of you if you will decide to see him’ she admitted and poked your arm that was resting at the kitchen table.

‘I never really thought of him like that, until yesterday. Being around him and just with him just changed everything I knew. I’m sorry I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable or anything like that. You know I would of come to you first if I did fancy someone, especially your own brother’ you answered and turned your head back at her and smiled at her.

‘Does that mean you don’t want to see him?’ Min Jee nervously looked you in the eye.

‘I’m afraid I do’ you chuckled and mixed your food with the spoon that was nearby.

‘Great! Because he is here! Okay see you, love you’ she pecked you on the cheek and literally run out of the house shutting the door behind her. You went towards the window and saw Hoseoks car in front of your house and Min Jee happily jumping towards it shouting for him to go and see you.

You heard a knock on the door and said ‘Come in’ loud enough for him to hear it. You were still in the kitchen, leaning on the kitchen counter.

‘I wanted to give you space but Min Jee begged me to come along with her just in case..’ he started with his soft voice, slowly making his way through the room to the kitchen.

‘I’m glad you decided to come along’ you answered and smiled softly at him. You could tell he was acting really slow, almost like he was trying to not scare the doe away.

‘Listen I am really sorry about the picture, I know you were asleep and it was so wrong of me. You just.. not to justify if but you looked so cute and I just wanted to remember the first time we held hands. You see. That day I decided, I made the pack with myself that after all these years I will finally tell you how I feel. I liked you on and off for so long and you were there wearing my t-shirt looking so homey. I promised myself that evening that I will do everything in my power everyday to make your days better, to spoil you until maybe you will notice that all I can see is you, I just wanted it to be subtle and sweet. But it came so so wrong. I’m really sorry’ he finally finished, standing in front of you propped on the kitchen island. You couldn’t believe all the words he just said. He liked you on and off for a while. You just melted into the counter that you were standing at. He was just the sweetest, kindest loving boy you ever met and you couldn’t believe all he wanted was you.

‘I mean, based on our long term relationship because of your sister it wasn’t crazy of you to take that picture…’ you gave him a warm smile, trying to say that you accept his apology but he kept sulking to himself ‘Hoseok!’ it’s almost like you had to take him out of his trans but when he heard you calling him by his name, his eyes turned from sorry to big dark filled with completely different feeling.

‘You never call me by my name. You always call me Hobi’ he was really threw off but also he couldn’t get his eyes off you.

You pointed your finger at him and made a ‘come here’ sign and he followed. You put your bowl down after you had few bites and you wiped your mouth with a kitchen towel. He took another step, now getting really close to you.

‘Kiss me Hoseok, please’ you said out loud, not fully believing the audacity that you had in you to say something like that. He turned around almost like checking if there was anyone behind him and then he leaned in, grabbed your waist with one of his arms and cupped his face with the other. Closed his eyes, slowly lingered around your face and finally softly kissed your lips. You smiled as he kissed you, and pulled you closer and closer to himself. But the more he kissed your lips, the more aggressive your and his moves were. You broke the kiss and everything felt like it slowed down. You locked your eyes with his and saw the crazy lust growing in his eyes. You just nodded and he picked you up and sat you up on that counter, leaned forward and positioned himself between your legs. You wrapped them around his hips and pulled him closer. His kisses became inpatient, like was waiting for this for years and so was your breath. Short and shallow, trying to keep up with him.

‘Are you sure?’ he muttered under his breath when he gasped for air. But you didn’t answer, just pulled him closer and unzipped the hoodie he was currently wearing. You threw it behind him and he unbuckled your dungarees. Took your jumper off and followed up with taking your t-shirt too. Your oversized dungarees fell down lower onto the kitchen counter around your hips and he slowly lifted you so they would fall down to your ankles and as let go of him with your legs they fell down on the floor. You took his t-shirt off, whilst staring at his abs. God he was divine. He was gorgeous and he was right in front of you. You almost wanted to stop and just stare at admire him but the lust has already taken over the two of you. He continuously attacked your lips, dancing with his tongue inside your mouth and around your neck. He stopped himself for a second and took a step back. You were sitting on the kitchen counter with just your underwear, red cheeks and out of breath. And he needed to see this. Take a picture with his mind, to always treasure and remember the moment. He admired you for a few seconds, looking at you from afar. So beautiful, so pretty, so hot and sexy and so gorgeous and so his. He wanted to savour every moment with you but he currently couldn’t stop fighting with the huge bulge in his jeans that was poking at you, whilst he admired your almost naked body.

‘Please Hoseok, fuck me’ you pouted at him, not really knowing where those words came from but he was too far away from you for too long. His face from cute and dreamy turned into a huge question mark and then into a really naughty smirk. You didn’t have to ask him twice. He walked back to the counter and moved your underwear to the side, lowered himself slightly bending his back down and nuzzled your slit with his nose. You shook. You shook from his touch, from the fact that it was so open. You thought in your head ‘if my parent will decide to come home now, we will be screwed forever’ but you pushed that thought out of your mind. He felt you shake and smirked even more, slowly sticked his tongue out and started playing around with your clit, delicately and with love running in circles around it. You purred feeling his tongue on your skin. You wrapped one of your legs around him, the other you laid on his shoulder. You could hear him slurping the juice out of you, whist staring deep into your eyes with the most evil stare, telling you he will devour every piece of you. You moved on your legs back and slowly put it on top of his crotch and started rubbing it with your foot as he kept licking you out. That pushed him over some kind of edge because he stopped and slipped two of his slender fingers inside you and came back to your lips. You could tase yourself at the same time you couldn’t ignore how amazing it felt to have some part of him inside you. You were however growing impatient and as nice as this felt,  you really needed him. The full of him. The entirety of him. He kept picking up the pace as you moaned into his mouth.

‘Please’ you whined when he kept playing with you and you couldn’t wait to be filled up with him. He chuckled when he heard you beg and nodded taking his fingers out of you. He licked his fingers and that drove you to insanity. You unzipped his jeans and unbuckled his belt, the trousers fell down onto his knees and ankles. You put your hand inside his underwear and without needing to look for it you popped his nearly twitching, hard dick out. He couldn’t get enough of the sight of you taking the initiative and smirked to himself observing. But inside he couldn’t wait anymore either. He bend over for a second and looked for something in his jeans. Took out his wallet and managed to open the packet of a condom with just his teeth and two fingers and handed it to you. Your hands were shaking, because you were so excited and horny, you managed to slip the condom onto him and give it a few strokes up and down. He moaned and threw his head back feeling your hand on him. He started kissing you again, but now all of his kisses felt like he filled them with pure love. And as he was kissing you he lined himself up, slowly went inside you letting you adjust to him. But you couldn’t maintain the kiss, feeling him inside you, you moaned into his mouth and he smirked proud of himself that it was him you were feeling this way about. After a minute you nodded at him and he started thrusting into you. Very slow and almost lovingly at first and then he picked up the pace. And he wouldn’t stop, he kept going faster and faster and your head started spinning. It wasn’t your first time, but it was definitely your first time with Jung Hoseok who was currently ramming his dick inside and out of you with an insane pace, crazy hair and the angry almost stare. You kept moaning and whining at him as he kept going like crazy, kissing your neck and chin whilst holding your hips with his hands. His hands were so beautiful. Especially around your hips. And as he kept the pace up, he noticed you started to slowly flow away so he put his finger back at your clit and started circulating around it. You couldn’t handle any of this, and as he added the finger you moaned into his mouth seeing stars that he pained in front of your eyes and you clenched around him, and he kept going trying to prolong your high. Not long after, hearing you moan so sweetly and clenching around him, he got really close to his edge. And when he did you bit his ear and that has sent him to his high, from pumping in and out of you now buried deep inside you, paining the inside of the condom white. And he stayed there for a second, he picked your head up holding you by your chin and he looked into your eyes, almost checking you are okay. And you were more than okay. You were in heaven. Heaven called Jung Hoseok. Both panting trying to catch your breath, finally starting to realised where you are. He kissed you softly and put your legs down, slipped from inside you and helped you off the counter. He tied the condom and buried it in the bin among other rubbish. You started collecting your and his clothes but then you saw him a little bit worried and in desperate need for after care.

‘Lets go and get a bath?’ you murmured into his ear and kissed his cheek. He immediately picked up his clothes and smiled widely at you. He run upstairs laughing like a maniac and prepared the bath for the two of you. You grabbed your clothes from the floor and as you were walking by the dining table you saw a message on your phone.

17:45 Min Jee: You whore ;)

You walked upstairs and left your clothes in your room. You entered the bathroom and there he was in the bath, covered with bubbles with an inviting smile.

‘Come here’ he stretched his arms to you in a hug like gesture and you closed the door behind you and stepped into the warm water. He slowly poured water over you, kissing your back and your neck until you sat between his legs and melted into him. You didn’t really need to label what this was but you knew he would love that. You knew him well over the years and you knew exactly what he liked and how he was.

‘Babe?’ you whispered looking up, searching for his eyes.

‘Me?’ he instantly brightened up and smiled back at you, locking his eyes with yours.

‘Are we official then or do you still have to take me out on that date?’ you giggled and you saw his smile widen. He couldn’t ask for more. He grabbed your arm from under the water and he intertwined the two hands together.

‘I will still take you out officially, but lets mark today in the calendars’ cheesy cute Hobi, was already making plans and marking your official date in the calendar.

[merthwyn]

I used to dislike my name a lot, from early childhood until my late 20s. I found it extremely boring and common. Of course, I was constantly rebuked for this because "I should be greatly ashamed for disliking the name of the Theotokos". Absolutely no-one ever told me who she is, though. Yes, she is the mother of Jesus. I knew that. But no-one ever talked to me about why she is so important that disliking her name was treated as blasphemy and a mortal sin.

This was one out of many reasons I got fed up with Orthodoxy. When I met the Evangelicals it was a "heaven on earth" for me. I was free from stupid doctrines. I was glad because, among others, the way they treated Mary gave me great relief. Up until then I thought I was less of a human and a second rate Orthodox for daring to dislike her name. When I realised that I was simply being mistreated, this dislike turnt into indifference and belittling -if not hate- towards her (and basically anything Orthodox).

It was four years ago during the Feast of the Dormition when I visited a Catholic church and attended Mass there and I actually learnt about her and how great her role is. And I was astonished by what I heard. At some time during the same year, I went to confession and the priest advised me to pray the Magnificat. And almost a year after, I visited a Catholic monastery and I saw a statue of Mary there who looked exactly like me. And generally, when I look at Orthodox icons of Mary, I actually see in her eyes what she did and why she is so important. And when I hear sermons about her I'm always humbled and empowered by them.

In the meantime, I got to know about another biblical woman with the same name, Mary Magdalene. A woman who was being tortured by seven (a.k.a. many) demons for years (if not since forever) and yet she was delivered and healed by Christ. After that, she became one of the most devoted and faithful disciples, and the Church recognises her as Isapostle (a.k.a. an equal to the Apostles). She was there during the passion and crucifixion of Christ even when His disciples abandoned Him. And she was the one who first saw the Resurrected Christ and shared the news of the Resurrection with the other disciples.

I was deeply touched by Mary Magdalene's story. I've been struggling with mental health for 24 years now. Since I came to the faith, I've been filled with great zeal to serve my Lord. Even now that I struggle with my faith and the image of God, I'm determined to serve Him. I know He's the one and true God. I've seen deliverance in me in the past. I've seen Isaiah 61 become true in my life in the past. The struggle now is to continue believing that.

So, no, I don't dislike this name anymore, let alone hate it. In fact, I feel both honoured and humbled for being so privileged as to be named after two of the most important Biblical characters. But I'm not gonna lie, there is quite a lot of bitterness in my heart for all the mistreatment I've experienced in the name of Orthodoxy. I was never taught anything. I was only forced to obey rules and practise rituals which I now realise were either solid Tradition that was distorted and made into dead religion, or completely foreign to actual Orthodoxy.

[jasmariswonderland]

How My Twst OCs Fared During Book 6

Hello everyone!

So I’ve been sitting on this post for a while and was planning to share it right before Book 7 drops in EN. That is until a friend of mine who only plays JP pointed out that EN will likely not get Book 7 until AFTER the Glorious Masquerade event. 

With that in mind, here are some headcanons for how my ocs fared during the events of book 6. I’m only sharing headcannons for Crisanta, Iman, Danica, Sidonie and Vidaria since book 6 effected them the most. Note, some of these are LONG. 

Crisanta was feeling sick on the day STYX infiltrated the school. Because of that, she decided not to attend that morning's board game club meeting and Ione decided to come in late so she could stay with her and make sure she was alright. When Ione returned to Heartslabyul a while later, she told Crisanta about what had happened and Crisanta decided it would be best for neither of them to leave their dorm until the chaos winded down and someone could locate the dorm leaders that were taken by the charrons. 

“There are more important things to consider now. Please don’t worry about me.” 

Though she wasn’t fully recovered, Crisanta takes it upon herself to help Cater and Trey maintain order at Heartslabyul as the latter became acting dorm leader during the crisis. She also helped to keep Ione calm as she worried what had happened to Riddle. They both were greatly relieved when he returned to NRC safely. And Crisanta was able to use some of her restoration magic to help return Riddle’s white hair to its original red color.

Iman was spending the morning with Vidaria and Heloise at Diasomnia when they received word about STYX infiltrating the school. She immediately went back to Scarabia where Kalim informed her about what happened, much to her horror. As Kalim went off to meet with the other teachers and dorm leaders, Iman helped maintain order in her dorm and when Kalim returned, acted as an unofficial vice dorm leader. 

Had this crisis occurred earlier in the school year, Iman might not have taken this as seriously. But her experiences in books 4 and 5 have had a big hand in helping her wise up to the rest of the world outside her tiny circle. She was extremely worried for Jamil’s wellbeing but managed to keep her feelings in check so she could support Kalim as best as she could. Especially in the moments where Kalim really needed someone to confide in. Jamil’s absence hit him particularly hard, not just because he had no idea what had happened to him, but also because Kalim was beginning to realize just how much he depended on Jamil. The self introspection that began in book 5 continues on as Kalim is given more time to consider just how much Jamil has been forced to sacrifice for his sake. And his fear that Jamil’s disdain for him might very well be justified.

“I tried so hard to be mad. But the truth was, I was confused.” 

Iman is also dealing with her own introspection as she finally has some time to really think about the events that led to Jamil’s overblot. The pressure and stress of VDC prep forced her to place most of these thoughts in the back of her head but now they have time to really develop. And for the first time in her life, she’s beginning to question the point of her and Kalim’s status. What is the point of the archaic hierarchy they live in if one of the effects is that it keeps people like Jamil down at the bottom even if she is on top. She doesn’t really talk to Kalim about these things but she tries to assure him that everything will go back to normal soon enough despite not being so sure herself. Or even if she wants things to go back to normal anyway. 

Danica, Sidonie and Vidaria under the cut!

Danica was supposed to be present at the Ramshackle meeting but ended up not being there for…reasons. Yet despite her absence, it didn’t take her long to realize what happened at the meeting and when she found out that Vil was taken, she actually fainted. She was already somewhat aware of STYX due to the things Taima had told her about what Athena’s parents do for a living. Because of this knowledge, Danica decides to accompany Rook, Epel and Yuulan on their journey to the Isle of Woe. 

Her reasoning being half concern for Epel and Yuulan (whom she doesn’t trust Rook to protect) and half a genuine fear she may never see Vil again. However she is anything but happy about this and is especially unhappy about having to be around Rook. She’s still upset about his lovebombing and refuses to speak to him, forcing Yuulan to become an intermediary between them. Things are made even worse/more awkward when Rook takes them to one of his family’s houses to use a transporter. They end up spending the night and the visit brings up some very bittersweet pre-book 5 memories for her. Rook does try to reconcile with Danica but she isn’t having any of it. 

But it isn’t all bad as Yuulan is currently working through her own share of heartbreak regarding Malleus so she and Danica are able to bond some and become better friends. And when Rook is later critically injured by an attacking charron, she breaks that vow to herself and immediately expresses concern for his safety. The truth is, a part of Danica still does care about Rook and she cannot forget some of the genuinely kind things he’s done for her in the past even if she’s now questioning the motives behind it all. But even so, he still has a place in her heart even if she acknowledges that his fickle nature will only cause her pain if she loves him. With Yuulan’s further intervention, they are able to get on civil terms by the time they return to NRC and within a few weeks after that, they appear to be somewhat friends again. 

But Danica’s reunion with Vil is an extremely emotional one and from the start there are signs that their relationship will take a much more positive turn once this is all over. He is extremely protective of her as they are fighting off the phantoms and titans and even puts himself between her and the monsters more than a few times. As a mage, Danica can be described as a glass cannon whereas her skills are very strong but her body and reserves are extremely fragile. At one point Danica is nearly knocked out cold and Vil forbids her from using any further magic until it’s time to deal with the Shroud brothers. 

Danica assists in defeating the Shroud overblots and while she conceals the fact very well, she is horrified by Vil’s drastic change of appearance when he dives into the underworld. But she’s able to quickly set aside her horror when she sees how much Vil is suffering. On the journey back to NRC, Danica is Vil’s greatest (and only) source of comfort, singing for him and reminding him of his heroism. At one point she admits that she loves him, but only after he briefly drifts off to sleep. 

“Heroes often have to sacrifice something important, but they’re often rewarded too. And I can’t think of a better reward for your bravery, Vil-san.”

From the start of the school year, Danica was always fearful of Malleus and like most students, kept her distance from him. But after seeing how he fixed the VDC stage and now restoring Vil’s beauty, her fear of him has slowly eased into reverence and amiability. Something that will prove useful in the future. But in the meantime, with Vil seeing the extent of Danica’s courage and kindness and Danica seeing the extent of Vil’s nobility, they are now closer than ever. 

Sidonie has always questioned her place in Pomefiore and even in her sophomore year, still had moments of not feeling like she really belonged. After book 5, those feelings were stronger than ever for her due to VDC drama and it’s aftermath. Among other things, she took serious issue with how Vil and Rook mistreated Danica and on the morning of the crisis, tries to cheer her protégée up by taking her to Heartslabyul to collect roses. It was there that they found out about the charrons and immediately returned to their dorm. A while later, Rook made his decision to go to the Isle of Woe and to her shock, placed Sidonie in temporary charge of Pomefiore.  

Now, it would be a lie to say that Sidonie hasn’t been secretly wishing for an opportunity like this, but never did she imagine that this would be the circumstances. Added with the fact that Danica and Epel decide to follow Rook to the Isle of Woe, Sidonie finds herself extremely distressed and also finds that she can’t really enjoy being dorm leader like she’d like to. Without their dorm leaders and with rumors swirling regarding why Vil was taken in the first place, Sidonie’s major task is maintaining order in Pomefiore. But even that is difficult since further info from NRC faculty is limited and the campus is under strict curfew. During this time, Farron acts as Sidonie’s unnamed vice dorm leader but her largest source of support/advice actually comes from someone not even in their dorm.

From the start of her freshman year, Sidonie has had something of a secret friendship with Heartslabyul junior Sinclair Halophor. He’s in the same club as her but Trey has always made it clear that he’s wary of the two getting to close to each other. But while Trey is kept busy maintaining order at Heartslabyul, Sidonie and Sinclair have time to become better acquainted with the latter offering useful advice on being an affective leader. As Heartslabyul’s former dorm leader, he has a lot of insight that he shares with her. With Sinclair’s help, Sidonie is able to help her dorm mates get through the crisis and through it, is reminded of why the Dark Mirror selected her for Pomefiore in the first place. 

“I think I finally understand. The place where I belong, I was always there.” 

Even when times were difficult, Sidonie’s passion has always been her strongest trait. Her passion, resourcefulness and desire to be helpful to her dorm mates. While some aspects of Pomefiore may come off as shallow to her, Sidonie has always strived to be an example of all the best aspects about her dorm. And when the crisis passes and her friends return to NRC, Vil see’s this too. At first he’s enraged to see Sidonie sitting on his throne and wearing the crown and longer robes of a dorm leader, until Rook explains to him that it was his idea that Sidonie be in charge of Pomefiore while he went to the Isle of Woe. Farron and the other Pomefiore students attest to Sidonie’s leadership skills and because Vil was very worried about what would happen to Pomefiore without leadership, once he calms down, he’s actually very pleased with her. So much so that he decides to reward her in the best way possible.

For the most part, Vidaria remained a spectator of the events of Book 6 from the safe distance of the Diasomnia dorm. She didn’t attend that morning's equestrian club meeting due to feeling depressed and Iman opted to keep her company as well as Heloise. The reason for her depression I’ll get to in a moment. 

She finds out about the charrons when Silver and Sebek come and tell Malleus and Lilia. But because no one from Diasomnia was taken, this doesn’t really affect them. Iman rushes back to Scarabia and Lilia instructs Vidaria to remain at Diasomnia until more information is available. Soon enough school resumes though on a very limited basis. And even when classes are in session, there is a heavy air of uneasiness surrounding the classmates and faculty. But this uneasiness is nothing compared to what Vidaria was already feeling. 

Although Vidaria has no deep feelings for Malleus, she has come to accept their impending marriage and has developed a baseline like and respect for him. So it’s more than a little shocking when in Book 5, she realized that Malleus has been sneaking off to Ramshackle dorm in the evenings and has developed a friendship with Yuulan. This realization is made more awkward when after the VDC, Vidaria accidentally eavesdrops on a conversation between Yuulan and Malleus. Where they discuss the latter’s betrothal and it’s heavily implied that Yuulan has developed deeper feelings for Malleus and vice versa, though Malleus never really considered the idea that he could actually be in love with the person he marries. 

Vidaria is not exactly jealous of Yuulan per say, but she is very resentful of her. It goes unsaid that Vidaria has sacrificed a lot more for the sake of her betrothal while Malleus has sacrificed basically nothing. And because concubinage is an accepted norm in the Draconia court, Yuulan could theoretically continue to be in Malleus’ life if she never finds a way home. She could even, potentially, bear the next Draconia heir. And so Malleus will be able to experience the joy of true love without many serious obstacles, something Vidaria can only dream of.

Her resentment is worsened by the fact that she has fallen in love with another person and these feelings are very mutual even if they are secret. Unfortunately, for many reasons no less because he’s human, the mutual pining Vidaria and Silver have for each other is likely destined to end terribly. She knows this, and yet her heart can’t help but love him and she has loved him for a long time. And while he will never admit it aloud, Silver has developed feelings for Vidaria as well. On the night Malleus and Lilia visit the damaged Ramshackle dorm, Vidaria sneaks off on her own as well and Silver is tasked with finding her lest she fall prey to kidnapping again. When Silver does find her, he finds her sitting alone, gazing at the night sky with tears in her eyes. 

They both notice the same stars in the sky as Malleus and Lilia and Silver suggests that they make wishes. However, Vidaria tells him there would be no point in wasting her breath because what she wishes for is something she knows she can never have. Silver then asks why she was crying when he found her but she retorts that she wasn’t. He knows this isn’t true but in a surprising moment, Vidaria asks Silver about the Thorn Fairy and if Silver thinks she was ever lonely, being so powerful and feared. Silver says he’s never really thought about it but he does remember one story where the Thorn Fairy apparently had a human lover. Vidaria has heard this story as well but also heard that their love ended tragically and wonders aloud if love between humans and fae can have a happy ending. Silver points our Sebek’s parents and then clumsily mentions that Malleus seems pretty attached to Yuulan. 

This later statement upsets Vidaria and Silver immediately apologizes. Vidaria isn’t upset at Silver, but laments that as much as she admires the Thorn Fairy, she couldn’t be more unlike her if she tried. She’s not only powerless, but loveless as well. Silver can see how distressed Vidaria is becoming and immediately goes to comfort her since her magic can become unstable/destructive in a heightened emotional state. He embraces her and tells her that she is indeed powerful and that she represents hope for the fae nations that there might be a peaceful future free of war or bloodshed. He also tells her that there are many people who do love her.

“Yes, many people do love me, as Briar Valley’s future queen. Just not my future king.”

Silver doesn’t know how to respond to this, as every response he forms in his mind feels out of line to him. So he just continues holding her until she is calm, and promises her that no matter what happens, he will always be by her side and serve her to the best of his ability. Secretly, he wishes upon the stars that even if he’s not allowed to love her, that he can at least, always, see to it that she’s happy. 

[bluepenguinstories]

(Anxious) Mouse Vertigo 5: “Country Mouse, City Mouse”

Petey Oliver lived with her sister in a two room apartment. If she got her way, it would have been one room. After all, why not? They had been inseparable since birth. There was no particular reason: she didn’t feel overly dependent on others because of bad parenting, and in fact, both sisters would agree that their parents were good people. Mother only had kind words, and father was soft-spoken, even at times, looking back, Petey wouldn’t have blamed him if he snapped. Their parents gave equal attention to both sibling, never wanting the other to be left out, and even helped save up for the two to attend the same local university.

So it was only natural that Petey would always be with her sister. For the rest of her life, if she could.

Lately, however, Millie Oliver had been restless.

Yes, until the end of time, her and Petey would be there for each other. Or at least, in some sense. But that didn’t mean that Petey had to be present at all times. Some days, she wanted to take a walk in the park by herself, or go grocery shopping without wondering if her sister would hug her in the middle of the aisle and get stares from the other customers. More than that, Millie wanted friends.

It wasn’t that she didn’t have friends in high school, or that the two sisters would have their fair share of friends while at university. But once the two graduated, with separate degrees, in fact (Bachelors of Architecture for Millie, Bachelors of Music for Petey), one found a lucrative job planning blueprints for houses, the other tried to start a rock band with the few friends she made at university, and although they performed a few songs in a rented-out storage space, they never found success and those friends all went their separate ways. Petey was out of work, and after a panic attack one night, refused to leave the home. Millie canceled plans with her friends. Eventually, she lost touch with them.

Sometimes, someone at work would ask her out, be it a hangout, or perhaps something more romantic. She declined every time, as when not at work, she was home with Petey to make sure her little sister was okay.

What Petey did at home, when Millie wasn’t around, was try to eat leftover food that Millie made the two, and write song lyrics for songs she would never make in her journal. She’d even give them fancy titles. Petey journaled a lot, and in some ways, she thought of her journal as her third sister, who was there even when Millie couldn’t be there.

One journal entry went like this:

7th of December:

I have little peace these days. I know I shouldn’t be this attached to my sister, and yet I am. Some would call it courage, others insane. I don’t feel that way, about either. I am full of fear, and very sane. If there ever was a time when my sister didn’t live with me anymore, I don’t know what I’d do. My world may as well shatter. She pays the bills, she pays for all the food. I know all this time she’s devoting to me, it’s love, but what if someone else loves her and decides to take her away from me? Could I even fight back? Look at me: I don’t have a job, and all I try to do is write song lyrics that don’t go anywhere. Stuff like:

‘Little Police Academy For Shriveled Fetuses’:

“Cracks in my brain, it’s the rats again

they’ve carved their shapes into my walls.

The walls move, and talk to me

and I never wanted them to.

It’s like.

It’s like...a curse, the curse of the rat imprints.

Some day,

I fear,

they will find their way inside my body

and carve their shapes into me.”

Yeah. That’s about as far as I got. I couldn’t think of any more words. I wonder, if she was here right now, could she inspire me?

Millie never read from Petey’s journal. Even as she wished to respect her sister’s privacy, Millie was having trouble respecting her own. Even at crucial moments, she instinctively declined. She swore to herself that she would change that habit.

Petey found a job, delivering pizza on a motorcycle. It was during the break between graduating high school and entering university that Millie and Petey learned to drive. However, it came to no use, as Millie had the car. Once, Petey used Millie’s car, to run some errands, when she thought she saw the shadow of a person in the backseat and braked the car hard in the middle of the intersection. She almost got hit, and when she looked behind her, she expected to see a man pop out with ill intentions, but there was no one. Because it was always no one when it wasn’t her sister.

So riding a motorcycle all day, with husky wheels and screeching tires gave her a rush that she didn’t feel at home unless she was thinking about her sister. She got to think of other things besides her sister, and there were no images of shadows chasing her, or rats staring at her from across the street to freak her out. She had her helmet and a pair of earplugs while she rode the motorcycle.

A few months of pizza delivery and Petey could afford to buy a nice looking motorbike with its thin, blue shell and memory foam seats. Not to mention the thin, ribbed tires which enticed her when she spun them around at the dealership. She rode on her days off, in the middle of the day, and let the winds brush past her. She felt freedom, or as free as she wanted to be. Whens he carried it up the second floor of her apartment complex and hung it up by a string on the roof of the back patio, she felt an aching yearning for the wind and the road.

One day, Millie meets a boy with blonde hair at work, a newbie. His name was Zircon Myers, and he and Millie soon formed a habit sitting with each other at lunch and talking about their lives. Millie was self-conscious, as she thought she had little to share. But the more Zircon talked, the more she wanted to share.

A few months of lunch breaks and Millie, Sara, Tiphereth, and Zircon laughed from stories they told each other. One day, Zircon took Millie aside and asked her for a date. A night out, to be specific, at an expensive restaurant, which he refused to name. That he did so sounded mysterious, seductive, to Millie, and so she accepted: under the condition that Petey come along as well. With a smile, Zircon accepted.

Before the date, Millie told Petey about the good news.

“I’m going on a date with a young man, and you’re invited. It’s going to be at a fancy restaurant, and you can order whatever you like!” Millie greeted when she got through the door.

Petey looked up, as she was doing yoga, in her underwear, with a tube of nail polish on her mouth (the cap on) while playing video games next to the television set mounted on the wall. Upon hearing her sister’s words, Petey’s jaw dropped and the nail polish dropped to the floor, the lid coming loose and spilling on Petey’s ankle. Tears began to well up in Petey’s eyes.

“You’re leaving me? For a man?” Petey asked, sobbing.

“No, not at all. I just wanted to see how it goes on a date with him.”

“So you’re not moving in with him? Or kicking me out of the apartment?” Petey tilted her head. It made Millie flinch.

“No, I don’t think so. For either,” Millie said slowly.

Petey lifted her shirt up and smudged it all over her eyes until they were red, but also, there were no longer any tears. Her face shook and wobbled, and she felt like she could enter a crying fit at any moment, but still, she managed to smile.

“Thank you, I would love to go with you two,” she said in the best cheerful voice she could muster. Their parents always said her voice sounded more like dry cement being drilled away. It was meant as a light joke, but if truth must be told, Petey never liked it much.

“I love you,” Petey said, as her smile, however distorted, stayed on her face.

“I love you, too,” Millie sighed out those sweet words.

 On the afternoon of the date, a thin, long black car rolled up with its roaring engine and screeched to a halt outside Petey and Millie’s apartment complex. The sisters heard the sound from inside and gathered their things. Millie ran down the stairs first, and at one point, almost tripped. Petey wanted to reach out to her sister, but before she could, Millie stood up just fine and continued running until she got in the back of the car. Petey had her journal in her leather jacket pocket. Even if she wasn’t on her motorcycle, if she closed her eyes while in the car, she could imagine…

...imagine a crash.

It was unusual for her to bring her journal outside with her, but there was some tugging sensation in the back of her mind which insisted that she do so. As much as she tried to resist the pull, it wouldn’t let go until she picked up that bumpy, scaly leather bound cover.

Millie also had a jacket on. It wasn’t leather, however. Polyester, if Millie were to guess (she was always too careless to read the tags on her clothes. They could have all read ‘arsenic and asbestos’ for all she knew, and as long as she lived in ignorant bliss, she never needed to know. Just like Petey’s jacket, though, it was black, and long. It matched well with Millie’s murky, brown skinny jeans.

When Petey reached the bottom of the steps and walked toward the car, she heard dogs barking nearby. There was a park which she used to visit when she was younger, but didn’t dare anymore. Further out, she heard ambulance sirens.

Petey sat in the backseat, Millie in the passenger side, right next to Zircon. It was so foreign for Millie to sit anywhere except for beside Petey. It was like someone took her precious sister and replaced her with a stranger who also happened to look the same as Millie, and share the same name. Petey wanted to ask Millie whether she was really her sister or some cruel mockery, but was interrupted by the date.

“Hi, I’m Zircon,” he glanced back and reached out his hand.

Petey examined Zircon’s hand, rather than shake it. She couldn’t see anything wrong, and it looked like a clean enough hand, with contours and creases where they ought to have been. But even still, she imagined all the bacteria which must have taken residence on his hand. Little germs and microbes floating about, anchored by every pore on his skin.

What if he’s the type to wipe his nose with his hand when he has a runny nose? What if he had a runny nose today?

Just the thought made Petey recoil and let out a pig-like squeal.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Zircon apologized, “you don’t have to shake hands. I was just trying to be polite.”

“Don’t mind her,” Millie slapped Zircon’s forearm in a playful manner, “she’s not good with new people. She used to be better, but I don’t know what happened…”

“Millie. Please stop talking,” Petey requested in a harsh tone which sickened her to hear coming out of her own mouth.

“Ah, sorry. I meant no offense,” Millie waved her hands about.

Zircon started the car and began to drive through the neighborhood. They hadn’t even entered the main road yet when Petey leaned over in her seat and saw from the front-facing window a dog leap into the road ahead.

“STOP THE CAR! STOP!” She yelled.

Zircon slammed on the breaks without question.

Everyone leaned forward in their seats.

“What is it?” Millie turned back and asked.

“We were about to run over that dog!” Petey pointed.

Both people upfront looked forward.

“What dog?” They asked in unison.

“Um…” Petey blinked, and saw no dog. “I...this isn’t good. Am I hallucinating? Now, of all times?”

“Now, now, sister, maybe there was a dog and we didn’t notice, and before we could notice, the dog ran into the bushes,” Millie tried to explain in the most plausible manner she could muster. It still didn’t help. If there really had been a dog in front of the car, surely everyone else would see it as well.

“If it helps, you can close your eyes until we get there,” Zircon suggested.

He thinks I’m crazy, too, Petey thought, but nodded along.

She wasn’t new to hallucinations, as every now and then, she thought she saw giant rats staring up at her, or shadows chasing her, or even hums in the air which drove her to agitation. None of those events occurred when her sister was present, so Petey believed that Millie was the anchor that kept Petey in reality.

However, if that dog was one such hallucination, and Millie was with her, what did that mean?

Maybe it’s because of that man. The outside factor.

Still, she tried to do her best. If need be, she’d write in her journal. She tried to close her eyes, as if doing so would prevent any sort of interference, even if some auditory oddities may have still snuck their way in.

Somehow, Petey fell asleep.

When she woke up, the car was parked in front of a restaurant. Millie had to tap Petey awake.

“Hey, sis, we’re here,” Millie whispered and smiled.

Petey opened her eyes and wiped her mouth, noticing that she had drooled in her sleep.

When all three left the car, Petey looked up and saw that the restaurant was Toaster Oven – a diner at the edge of the city, and a popular hangout which happened to constantly be packed. The exterior looked like a steel microphone lying on its side. It also resembled, well, a toaster.

There was a car in every spot in the parking lot. That was the last thing Petey noticed before the three entered the restaurant.

“Nice place,” Millie tried complimenting Zircon’s date choice.

Really? It’s hardly a fancy restaurant. My sister deserves so much better than, what? Waffles? Petey thought in bitterness.

Nearly every seat was taken, just like the parking spots Petey noticed outside. Petey always did think there were too many cars in the world, and too few motorcycles.

Three seats weren’t taken: stools at the counter. It was as if destiny called to all three of them. Petey sat at the leftmost booth, Zircon in the middle (acting as the wall dividing the two sisters) and Millie on the right end.

While Petey mulled over what to order, Zircon fixed his attention on Petey’s sister. Or at least, someone who shared her voice, face, and name.

Petey ignored most of their conversation. She focused, instead, on the crowds of people conversing and eating. All these moving bodies in what amounted to a tin can.

And I’m no different. Even if I’m not talking or moving, I’m still one of those bodies. We’re all packed in here.

When the waitress came over, all three ordered: Millie, a steak and mashed potatoes.

Zircon, a plate of biscuits and gravy with green beans on the side.

Petey, a plate of french toast, sausage, and scrambled eggs.

After ordering, the two on their date resumed their conversation while Petey continued to stew in her silence.

Millie, or whoever this woman was, seemed to be having a good time. I couldn’t interrupt that, even if I was with them. I just have to accept...accept that I may soon be alone. What should I do? I’ve had my job for a little while now. It doesn’t pay much, but it must prove that I can be independent in some way, right?

Maybe I could start a new band. We could write songs. Find somewhere to record. Land some gigs. Maybe my life could start to look up…

...if I too could bring myself to meet people.

Maybe I could write my own songs, solo. Like, I could get a computer, record some songs onto my computer, mix it there. It doesn’t even need words. It could be wholly electronic. What songs could I do? Even if they lacked lyrics, songs need titles. Maybe something like…

“Foot fetishists want me to put my best foot forward,” she said aloud without even thinking. Both Zircon and Millie turned toward her.

“Huh?” Zircon asked.

Startled, Petey leaped in her seat and blood rushed to her head.

“I...I...It’s the title for a song I just made up,” Petey rushed to defend herself.

“Oh, and here I thought you were quite the comedian,” Zircon joked.

“Are you thinking about making music again, sister?” Millie leaned over and asked.

“Again?” Zircon asked before Petey could get a word in.

“Yeah, she used to be in a band, but started having panic attacks and quit the band,” Millie began to explain while Petey dug her nails into her arms and clenched her jaws.

“I was entertaining the idea,” Petey groaned. “Doesn’t mean anything will happen. Right now my job is enough.”

“If your job gets to be too much for you, you could try going on disability checks,” Millie suggested.

The very thought made Petey feel like worms were wriggling across her skin.

“I. Do not. Have. Any. Disabilities,” Petey growled. Her nails dug deeper, leaving imprints, but still not deep enough to make herself bleed.

“Well, what about the panic attacks or –”

“Shut up! Those are nothing!” Petey shouted and tears began to form in her eyes.

Faces around the diner turned to her, and Petey looked back at them, and in terror, wanted to shout at them, “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!”

But she couldn’t. She had already done enough damage.

She just focused on her food, and tried to eat what little she could, even though her hands shook when she lifted her fork, and a draft filled the air which left her in a dizzying shiver.

All three ate their meals without another word to each other. When Zircon footed the bill and the three walked out, there was a palpable intensity to the air both in and outside of the restaurant.

---

Null and Minnow wandered through the forest in the middle of the afternoon. Some sunlight poked through the gaps between branches and leaves of the trees. Their previous hideout had been found by beasts, and they were forced to hide out elsewhere, then flee once the beasts moved on. They were now in search of somewhere new to hide.

However, their sluggish steps may have given off the impression that they were in no hurry, despite the danger both women knew themselves to be in. That too had an explanation: they were also in search of food. Having gone at least a couple of days with little to no sustenance.

They dragged their feet along the dry and dusty forest floor, examining each tree, hoping one would bear fruit, and be disappointed when one of three scenarios occurred: 1) there was no fruit 2) the fruit was unidentifiable to the two women, and thus could have been poisonous or 3) the fruit was rotten.

“I bet I sound real creepy right now,” Null groaned in a hoarse voice. “I feel like a zombie.”

“You’re just hungry. I’m hungry too,” Minnow reassured Null.

“I wish I had a granola bar right now…”

“You survived over a year, right? How have you gotten by before?” Minnow asked.

“I would loot snacks from abandoned convenience stores,” Null explained, then felt a tinge of regret, “I mean, it’s not really stealing if there’s no one alive to make me pay for it, right?”

“Right,” Minnow agreed, “besides, you needed to make sure you lived. I would have done the same.”

“Well, what about you? How did you get by?”

“I’d pick fruits from trees, I’d loot left behind backpacks,” Minnow explained, and thought, I’d loot corpses.

“Right...I’d do the same if we came across a backpack or something right now,” Null bobbed her head. Her stomach growled. Every time she exhaled, it felt like she had swallowed glass, “I want apples. I want pastries.”

“If I could summon apples and pastries from the sky right now, I would,” Minnow groaned.

“Could you? Oh, but imagine if an apple hit me in the face and my head was crushed and splattered into a bloody mess...maybe it’s better that you can’t.”

“Right. Wouldn’t want to damage your pretty face.”

Null spat, even with her dry mouth, she still found it in her to react.

“Now’s not the time for jokes. We’re going to die of starvation out here,” Null shifted her eyes about and thought, if a beast doesn’t get us first.

“Just a little longer. We’ve survived this long. I’m sure we can survive longer,” Minnow tried to encourage Null, or even herself.

Both women were used to starving at various points throughout their lives for different reasons. That didn’t make it any easier to deal with.

It was about an hour later when an oasis of sorts opened up: a small pond of water, and a few pear trees which overlooked it.

“It’s not apples, but…” Minnow stared at the fruits.

“I’m so hungry that if I had to wait any longer, I’d have considered cannibalism,” Null groaned, still slouched, and turned to look at Minnow.

“I would let you eat me if it meant you would live longer,” Minnow smiled.

“Please say you’re not serious. You deserve to live more than I do.”

“On the contrary,” Minnow shook her head, “I already have your life, and I can tell just by holding it how valuable it is. If anything, you deserve to live just as much as, if not more than, me.”

“Uh...right,” Null was too exhausted to think of the logistics of that statement. She leaped up and grabbed a pear. She sank her jaw into the juicy, soft fruit. However, the thought of something lurking within the fruit caused her to spit some of it out.

“What? Is it rotten?” Minnow pursed her lip with worry.

“N-No. I just started thinking, what if a worm was in it? And then I got scared,” Null admitted.

“So? Was there one?”

Null shook her head.

“B-But...that doesn’t mean there won’t be a worm if you eat one.”

“I’m willing to take that risk.”

Minnow tried jumping up to catch a pear, but just couldn’t reach any. She grunted, and began shaking the tree, but none of the pears would budge.

“Come on…” Minnow pouted.

Null watched Minnow struggle, took another bite, then closed her eyes and smiled.

However, when she opened her eyes and saw Minnow continue to struggle, she gulped down a chunk of pear and her face flushed.

I’m going to let her starve if I don’t do anything, and then it will be my fault if she dies. I don’t want that on my hands, Null thought.

She walked over to the tree Minnow stood at and plucked a pear off of one of the branches. While looking away from the headstrong brunette by her side, she handed her the pear.

“Thanks,” Minnow mumbled, “I would have gotten it eventually, but...yeah, thanks.”

“Oh. If that’s the case, I could have just let you be,” Null jolted back upon the realization that maybe her assistance wasn’t really needed.

“No, I mean, I’d like to think I would have gotten it eventually, but...I don’t really know for sure. So, again, thanks. You really are kind, Null.”

“I just…” Null paced about, huffed, and bit into her pear, “I’m not kind at all. I just don’t want to walk around and look behind me to see you drop dead. It would be really inconvenient.”

“So is it convenient for you that I’m alive? I was worried I had been slowing you down,” Minnow sat down next to the tree and looked up.

What can I say that wouldn’t come off as mean? Because truly, there’s nothing that I could consider ‘convenient’ when it comes to me, Null thought.

“I mean, loneliness isn’t very convenient, either, so...maybe I’m a little slower, so what?” Null let out some nervous laughter, and joined Minnow under the tree.

Minnow smiled.

“I’m glad. I was lonely, too, before you came into my life.”

“Right. It’s hard not to be lonely when the majority of humanity has been wiped out,” Null agreed.

Minnow took a bite from her pear, then added, “even when there were billions of people, it was quite lonely.”

I know that all too well, Null thought, but I can’t just say that, can I?

Null nodded along.

Before the two could get too comfortable, they both heard a shrill howl erupt from the woods. In a hurry, Null swatted as many pears as she could onto the ground and Minnow packed them into her backpack.

Some of this strength may be the beast on my arm aiding me. After all, was I ever strong enough to knock fruit out of a tree? Null wondered.

They hurried, but didn’t run, so as not to make too much noise. When they returned to the main path they were on, their worries of what their next meal would be was diminished, but one worry still remained: whether they would find a place to hide before a beast appeared, and especially before nightfall.

“Hey, since there’s still a handful of people left in the world, do you think there are other animals, too?” Null asked.

“Hmm...I can’t see why not,” Minnow pondered that. She hadn’t encountered any animal other than human, unless the beasts counted. But she wasn’t even sure if they should.

“Maybe we’ll come across monkeys,” Null suggested.

“Did you see monkeys before the calamity?”

“No. Well, yes. Sometimes. At the zoo. I used to go there when I was little. I had some relatives who would take me.”

“So it seems unlikely that we’d come across a monkey,” Minnow dismissed the idea just as soon as she had considered it.

“Well, maybe the animals at the zoo left their enclosures? Maybe we’ll come across a rhinoceros or an elephant.”

“If any animals did leave the zoo, they may not have survived long against the beasts,” Minnow pointed out.

“What about the scary animals? Like lions, tigers, or bears?”

“Bears already existed in the woods pre-calamity, and I haven’t encountered a single bear out here. It’s beasts all the way down.”

“That’s sure to disrupt the ecosystem,” Null felt a tinge of sympathy for all the other animals that may no longer be around.

“I think we’re well past the ecosystem being disrupted.”

After a brief bout of silence, Null continued from where she left off:

“I’d like to see a giraffe,” she said.

Minnow didn’t reply.

“What about you, Minnow? What animal would you like to see?”

“Null,” was all Minnow said. She had stopped moving, but Null took no notice and continued to walk on.

“What? But you can already see me.”

“Null. Stop.”

Null turned around and waved her hands in shock.

“Sorry! Was I annoying you? I’ll shut up now!”

Minnow shook her head.

“Not that. Look,” Minnow pointed beside a tree.

Null looked in the direction that Minnow pointed at, but didn’t notice anything.

“What? Is it a beast?” Null asked.

Minnow scowled.

“If there was a beast so close by, don’t you think it would be unwise to stop where the beast could attack us?”

“Yeah, but a beast could attack us at any moment…”

Minnow shook her head.

“Walk over here, and then see where I’m pointing,” Minnow huffed.

Null walked over, clutching her right arm in shame. Every now and then it twitched, and Minnow didn’t seem to take notice. Null did, however, and she knew what it meant, as well: that her blood was being drained. Every time her arm twitched, she felt a stinging sensation go along with it, and with the lack of nutrition she’s had over the last couple of days, she was bound to faint if she wasn’t careful.

“Sorry,” Null said while sensing annoyance in Minnow’s voice, “I really, really should know better, but I’m just so stupid.”

“You’re not. But I do need to caution you not to –”

“Aah!” Null yelped, and Minnow covered Null’s mouth before she could let out a shrill shriek.

In front of the two ladies was a withered corpse seated next to the side of the tree. Almost skeletal in appearance, and whatever scraps of skin remained on the body looked less like flesh and more elastic, or peeled-off paint.

On the top of the skull was tufts of hair flowing down, but only a few strands of what must have once been a full head of hair.

The corpse wore a leather jacket, covered in a rusted red. There were patches where a faded black pigment could be spotted on the jacket, and underneath the jacket was a camisole, also covered in red. Despite having no smell, both ladies knew what the red meant.

“Skeletons are so scary...what if they get up and start attacking us?” Null asked in a hushed tone as soon as Minnow uncovered Null’s mouth.

“It’s a corpse, not a skeleton,” Minnow corrected.

“Corpses are scary, too! What if they get up and start attacking us?” Null looked around, frantic.

“You mean, like a beast? I’ve never seen a corpse walk up, but…” Minnow thought back to when her siblings were taken from her and shuddered. “I can see that happening. I guess we need to remain cautious. I’d like to believe that this one, at least, is just that: a corpse, without any pretense.”

“No pretense? But corpses don’t just grow on trees.”

“Sorry, Null. What I meant was, this corpse isn’t scary on its own. But that’s not to say we shouldn’t be afraid. After all, there’s at least two questions we must be asking ourselves: what caused this person’s death, and how long have they been dead?”

“Probably a beast,” Null shrugged her shoulders. Once she got over the initial shock, even as she felt a twisting feeling in her guts, she was able to relax, even just a little bit.

Minnow nodded.

“Most likely a beast, if this person died sometime after the calamity. Though judging by how withered they look, they may have been sitting there longer than a year. I’ve not heard of a beast that could dry out someone’s insides so fast.”

“Um...about that…” Null muttered.

“What?” Minnow turned to her.

“I mean, it’s possible. We don’t know what kind of beasts are out there, right?”

Minnow walked over to the corpse.

“Um. Minnow? What are you doing? What happened to remaining cautious?” Null leaned in and tried to stop Minnow before she did anything foolish.

Minnow crouched down and picked up an object from the ground. When she stood up, Null noticed the rectangular object.

“it’s a...book?” Null tilted her head.

“A journal,” Minnow corrected and opened it up to the first page. “It could give us an idea of how long this body has been sitting here. Let’s see… ‘My name is Petey Oliver. My sister is Millie Oliver. I have short, black hair and like to wear leather jackets. My sister has long, black hair, and likes to wear polyester jackets. We live together and are always fated to be together. This I know for sure. We are inseparable.’ Nope. This tells me nothing. I should see if there’s an entry for the day of the calamity.”

“I feel like we’re invading someone’s privacy…” Null looked away in shame.

“It’s a corpse, Null. I’m sure it won’t mind us reading through this journal,” Minnow reminded her.

“Their name was Petey.”

“Was. Whatever life they led...it doesn’t exist anymore.”

Null hung her head low.

“It is sad, Null. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that it isn’t. I’m just so used to seeing dead bodies by now that, I…”

Null shook her head.

“I’m not sad. Just scared. What if I had a journal and I wrote in my most private thoughts that I didn’t want anyone to know, and then I died, and someone read it? That would be the worst, don’t you think?”

Minnow let out a chuckle.

“I guess so. It’s hard for me, being someone who doesn’t have much to hide. But I think if I was one who wanted a place to write down my most private thoughts, I’d not want anyone to see them, even if I was dead,” Minnow sympathized, even as she skipped through the pages of the journal.

“Aha!” Minnow exclaimed with delight as she found a page dated a couple of days after the calamity.

“What is it?” Null asked, and leaned in. Curiosity overtook any sense of fear for violations of privacy.

Together, the two read the entry:

This may be my longest entry.

After this, I don’t know how well I’ll be able to count the days.

Let’s see…

My sister and her date, some blonde haired boy with a shine in his teeth, walked out of the restaurant. I followed behind, but didn’t say a word. They walked over to the black car, and...we all fell to the ground. I was barely off the stairs.

I must have blacked out. When I stood up, I had small scratches and cuts from the fall. Bruises on my knees and forehead. My head ached, but my personal pain was the least of my worries when I saw the damage done to the restaurant: it was crushed, with no indication as to what did so. Smoke billowed out from atop, and through the shattered windows, I saw arms hanging out, blood on the glass, and smoke filling up the inside.

It was dusk. Evening. Nightfall. Whatever suits your fancy.

My dear sister, Millie, and her date stood by the car. I ran over to them and asked them what happened. “I don’t know. We blacked out and we just woke back up. This is all so sudden,” was what one of them told me. All so sudden indeed.

“For now, let’s get you two back home,” the boy Millie had seen suggested. We had no better judgment, so we just nodded along and got in the car. Along the way, we saw many buildings demolished. The whole city looked like it had been pressed down by a giant french press. When we got to our apartment complex, it had somehow remained intact. The whole place was silent. It was strange.

Millie’s date stayed with us for the night. We thought we were safe.

The next day we woke up to hear ear-splitting screams. We checked on the other apartments, knocked on each one, but no answer. Millie’s date forced himself through some doors, only to find the apartments empty. Were the people evacuated or…? It’s really hard to tell, and when I look back, it’s even harder.

What was I doing the whole time? Just watching. It was all I could do. I can’t stand myself.

We walked outside, and nearby stood something I could only describe as a monster, even if it was humanoid in shape: its whole body looked like it was made up of pulsating, red worms. It had imprints on its head to make up the shape of eyes and a mouth.

It advanced toward us. “Get in the car!” Yelled Millie’s date, and the two got inside. I was too slow, and they drove off rather than wait for me.

The creature walked toward me. It let out a hissing sound as several worms erupted from its mouth. I couldn’t believe it, but I knew that if I didn’t run, I would be in danger. But as much as I tried to run, my body wouldn’t move. It was like I was stuck. I heard shrieks all around me, but they didn’t seem to be coming from anyone.

However, the creature stopped walking toward me and turned around. As if a delayed reaction, and its true target was my sister and her date. I wanted to yell, “take him, but not my sister!” But no words would come out until the beast was out of sight. By the time I was able to open my mouth, all that came out was a feeble squeak.

“I have to warn them,” I thought as I ran back into the apartment and grabbed my motorcycle. I raced toward where the car drove to. I didn’t have a clue where they were headed, if they even knew. But I had to warn them. In the distance, I saw a giant, white and metallic looking octopus-like creature slither atop buildings and smash them. I considered myself lucky I didn’t have to deal with such a thing.

My phone rang and I answered; it was Millie. “Hey,” she said, “sorry for leaving you behind. We didn’t mean to. We’re holding up at a hotel. There’s no one here, but also we’re high up enough that I think we’re safe from that monster.” I asked her, “where at?” And she said, “big golden building. Can’t miss it.” I knew exactly where she meant.

When I got close to the hotel, the same beast that had frightened the three of us stood in the middle of the road. To avoid hitting it, I braked and crashed my motorcycle. It slid against the beast, but it just stomped its worm-filled foot against it and crushed the machine. My knees were bloody. I was sure I had broken a leg and I swore I could see bone sticking out from my knee. I thought to myself, “I’m done for,” but Millie’s date showed up and leaped at the beast with a lead pipe. It...did nothing to the beast, and instead, the beast’s worm arms turned into piercing claws and it shoved its clawed hand into his shoulders. He screamed, and fell to the ground. I yelled for him, and he was able to limp over. He grabbed onto me and we hurried off into the hotel.

Millie was there, sitting atop a bed. He sat beside her. She wrapped a bandage around his wound. It was a miracle he was alive at all, and I was grateful that he came for me, don’t get me wrong, but neither of them noticed my own injury. “Thank you for coming for me,” I told them, and he laughed and said, “of course! We wouldn’t forget about you!” I couldn’t believe he said that, because they already forgot about me once.

The beast showed up at the hall near our hotel room. We thought that since we were so high up, it should have at least bought us some time. But it broke through the door and opened its mouth wide to reveal many snake-like appendages which shot out and almost impaled Millie’s date from where he sat. He got up in time and took to the balcony where he jumped down. I’m sure he thought he could escape that way, but from the height he jumped from, it was needless to say that…

Millie and I were what was left. She ran into the beast, and I didn’t know what she was thinking. I even yelled out, “what are you doing?!” But she didn’t listen, and when it stabbed through her, she gasped out one word: “run.”

I still have a broken leg, but I ran anyway. I wanted to protest, but her life was already taken from me. I was sure that gesture was her last way of telling me that she loved me. If only she had done so in a different way.

There was an entry for the next day:

All I have is my journal. I’ve been going on foot, but I’m still in a great deal of pain. I still don’t understand anything. Last night, as I escaped the city, I saw Millie. Yes, it sounds crazy. Like, was it just another hallucination? I don’t know. Maybe the whole world had turned into a hallucination. But she stood there not far from me and laughed. I turned and asked if it was her. She said, “I’ve always resented you. Because of you, I never got to have a life. You are the cause of all this.” I asked her what she meant, even though I knew what she had said was true. It had always been true.

Rather than answer, she grabbed each end of her head and pulled. She split herself in half and masses of blood and organs spilled onto the ground. I let out a scream. It’s strange, though, in hindsight, as I didn’t see anything like a brain or a bone structure. So whether it was her, one of those monsters, or a hallucination...I couldn’t tell.

I’ve been on the road since then. I doubt I’ll survive much longer. My legs ache and it’s not getting any better. I haven’t had food or water. I’m just glad I have a pen and my journal.

A few days later:

There haven’t been any more monster sightings. I’ve been in the woods. I really wonder whether the world is ending around me, or if this is all in my mind. If it is, I don’t think it matters, because my life is ending either way.

I found a tree to sit under. I don’t mind the bugs. Sometimes it rains. Sometimes I think I see rats in the nearby trees. I’ve tried to get up and continue walking, but my leg just won’t move. I really think this is the end for me.

Another few days later:

I’ve been having dreams where something crawls into my eye and burrows its way deep. Every time I have that dream, I wake up and check my eye. It’s recurring. I can’t prove it hasn’t already happened. There hasn’t been any sign of that worm-infested monster. If it shows up, I don’t think I can run. I already know I can’t defend myself. If it kills me, I just hope it does while I’m asleep.

Minnow flipped through several blank pages. She had already gotten her answer that Petey had died probably a week after the calamity. Still, curiosity took over, and she wanted to see if there were any more entries. Toward the end of the journal, there were three words written, with no date labeled atop:

I’m wide awake.

[arizonasandwitch]

October 28, 2024 (Also Late) The Chariot, Upright.

Now that I finished a Year and a Day, what can I do?

On October 28, I 'graduated' from my Year-and-a-day training with my coven, our first such group to study since our founding. Most of us went through the training, and we were all sad for the study to end. Many of us are not sure what to do next.

So, I found it AMAZEBALLS that the card I drew was the Chariot, Upright.

In my deck, I chose to represent the Chariot with the Firefly ship Serenity, from the Television show Firefly and film Serenity. The ship, like many other famous Vessels of Science Fiction/Fantasy/Mythological tales, is reportedly a piece of garbage-- to everyone but those who rely on her.

No seriously, think about it. The DeLorean, Bill and Ted's Phone booth, the Tardis, the Millennium Falcon, Herbie, they are all pieces of junk. Even Supernatural's Baby is, from a certain point of view, only held together with love and duct-tape. This is so common it is a trope called 'The Alleged Car.' In Tarot, this is the Chariot.

Upright, our beloved hunk of garbage reminds us that we have gone through a lot of challenges. We need to remain confident, and with this confidence and the hooptie's help, we will move past the obstacles in our way. Don't look at your problems as anything more than stage dressing. The Chariot, is here to be like a confident cheerleader, to help you maintain focus and drive.

The quotes I put on this card is from Firefly and fit the vibe of the Chariot.

If you stare into space and find out you have a hidden Hulk, channel that aggression to a positive force. 

If she were reverse, however...

This is when our beloved hunk of junk becomes, in the words of Adam Sandler, a "piece of shit car." It stops working, for whatever reason, and because it stops working, it means we may stop functioning as well.

Reversed, the Chariot is letting you know that you cannot go anywhere right now. You need to focus, find motivation or direction. Perhaps you are too obsessed with a goal to see things that do need to be attended to, and you need to stop driving, flying, swimming, or whatever, get out of the Vehicle, and take care of those things. Only when you’ve taken a break and addressed those things will your chariot be ready. 

[justhym]

I need to vent.

There is this person who tried be friends with recently. They were also apart of a group we both attended but they no longer attend. So, a few weeks ago I was trying to make some extra money while lending my cooking/cleaning services to fellow veterans. This individual offered a gig so I accepted after they stated it wouldn't be much more than tidying up a bit. They went on to bash another person in the group saying their living space was disgusting. I didn't entertain it of course because I don't throw stones from my own glass house. Anyway, this person then springs it on me that they are fogging their place due to fleas while I take them grocery shopping before cleaning. That added another 2 hours to the time I agreed to be there....plus now I know their cats have fleas and they want to bring them with us while the foggers go off! Oh hell naw! What was I supposed to do though since it was sprung on me last second. Thinking back now, this person probably did that on purpose for whatever reason. So the day comes and they load up into the car with the little flea bags and we head off to the store. I had a feeling something just wasn't right so I asked if she could fill my gas tank and pay for my prescription I desperately needed to pickup before we went shopping. She agreed thankfully so that was nice considering when we got back to her house I found out their place was the nastiest I had ever walked into. Now I am not a horrible person so I didn't show my disgust whatsoever...I played it off completely which made me feel even weirder that they expected me to be cool about it...I don't know how often they have guests over but whomever their company is must be okay with that or have similar standards. Not me. Nuh-uh. So, I of course came up with some excuse to leave like ASAP without being rude. I all but burnt rubber getting out of there! and have not been back since or willfully engaged with that person. Fast forward to today, this person calls and texts me during a nap asking if I was home because they are outside. I of course said no and wouldn't be back until late due to class which would normally be the truth. Except, I came home on break to study/nap and planned to go back later for class. Now I am stuck inside hiding/avoiding this person because I have sever anxiety and PTSD. I purposely don't tell people where I live for this reason! the only reason this person knows where I live is because they were riding along with another person who picked me up for a ride to an event. What I am having a hard time with is not resorting back to my old ways when I used to run the streets. The old me would just straight terrorize this person until they wanted nothing to do with me...I don't want to get arrested or locked in the psych ward so I'll pass. There are people who think they know me but they really don't and if I were to show them all of me they would either be terrified or my past or try to change me when I doing the work to be better already. Anyway, that's my rant.

[ebdanon]

Hey Allie, sorry I'm so late with this I caught a cold and basically passed out when I got back home yesterday. I'm feeling a bit better now, so here's the wedding lore. I don't remember some chunks of it because it was downright traumatic so I apologize for any gaps. (part 1)

My husband ordered a ring during the pandemic. As soon as it arrived he told me about it and made me look away while he tried putting it on my finger to check if it fits (no one knows this btw). He told his parents he got a ring and how they should start preparing for a wedding. He told me he was not proposing until we moved out of our hometown (we both lived with our parents - it's normal in our culture) because he didn't want me to deal with the crazy in his house. A year and a half later, we had moved out and he proposed 6 months into our living together. We'd booked a vacation and were leaving the morning after he proposed. However, when we shared with our parents where we were going and when, my parents made sure to book a vacation around the same time, in the same location, in a hotel 20 minutes away from ours. And so the drama began. Engaged, we called parents and siblings, and since my parents were already on their vacation, they promised to visit our hotel once we arrived the next day to congratulate us in person, which I asked them not to do as we would be exhausted. This made my husband's parents upset, and they created a whole conspiracy that my parents knew about the proposal ahead of time, which is why they booked that vacation there. Even though they knew about the ring a year and a half in advance, they found a reason to be upset. So the trip takes around 8 hours but it's during the night so when we get there, we just eat and crash in our room. To our surprise, the front desk woke us up with a phone call a couple of hours later saying we had "guests in the lobby", which were, of course, my parents. They were on a video call with my soon-to-be-in-laws, showing us entering the lobby, and then giving us gifts, and showing the ring. They spent about an hour with us and went back to their hotel and thank god, we didn't see each other again until the plane ride back to our country. Now, COVID was still a bit of a thing back then, but many people had stopped caring, including my parents. On the plane, my husband and I were the only ones with masks on. But I'm getting ahead of myself. For that week-long vacation that we took after years of being locked up at home to protect ourselves and our families (we still got COVID 4 months before the engagement, from a coworker who refused to isolate or wear a mask), we were bombarded with phone calls from both sets of parents and the grandparents about "what we were planning on doing about the wedding". To every question, the answer was "We plan on relaxing during the first vacation in three years, stop asking" which no one respected. The situation started escalating as our parents started calling each other trying to figure out who knows/knew what, and to push their own wedding ideas on the others. It blew up when I got a call from my sister a couple of days in, saying my narcissistic grandma booked a church for me. This woman went to the church, picked out a time and date, and put only MY name down because she didn't know my in-laws or anything. The date she chose worked for her, as her son would be in town. What she didn't know was that her son was already scheduled to attend a wedding on that date. This woman also managed to somehow find my MIL's phone number, call her, and also tell her the church was handled, which of course set her off, so she called me and just said "Handle your grandmother" and hung up. What my husband and I learned later, after chatting to his sister, was that my dad actually asked his mom to do all that shit. Our parents had also been going back and forth on the guests they were going to be inviting, and wanted to outdo each other. So when we learned all this, we called up everyone and told them there would be no wedding, there would be nothing, we would just get a marriage certificate and be done with it because they were out of control. They calmed down for all of two days, and by that time we were on the way back home.

hi bitey sorry im just getting to this now work is rough today :/ will post my full response to part 2 hehe

[mprimn]

It has been 3 days since I arrived in Japan.

They wouldn't allow students to enter the dorm until a specific date, so I flew on the day before as I didn't want to spend money on hotels. It was a late-night flight so it was mostly peaceful, except that one toddler in the far front who cried from time to time.

A girl in front of me decided to watch 2005 version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory so I just watched from her screen the whole flight. There were so many details and scenes that I have forgotten because I saw the movie when I was very young.

The flight attendants kept mistaking me and the Japanese lady's nationality during service which I found quite funny. They thought the Japanese lady was from my country, but when they realized she wasn't they somehow assumed I was also Japanese. I replied to them in Japanese anyway because why not. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When the plane landed it started raining, making the temperature a lot cooler than I expected. The immigration process took so long that once I got out of the airport I only have a few hours left to travel to the appointed destination. I went down to the train, but the ticket booth was super crowded that I'd have to wait for another train for almost an hour. The bus had only 1 trip per day to my destination won't be coming soon, so I bit the bullet and got on a taxi.

There is a reason why Japanese people avoid taxis.

The service was top notch, but it came with a price.

A ridiculously expensive one.

(And that I also told the driver to take the fastest route, so it costed even higher)

Dear my parents, if you're reading this, I'm so sorry I spent 50k yen on 2 and a half hour ride from Narita to Mito. I will make sure to find a part time job once I know of my study schedule.

After reaching the destination, I paid the driver with my credit card so I signed the receipt with my signature in my language.

Apparently, that's when the driver realized I'm a foreigner.

He seemed shocked and amazed because after apologizing (I asked him to repeat something, but he didn't make it sound easier to understand so I just nodded), he complimented my accent saying how natural it was.

It may have something to do with my appearance too since I'm Asian. Even the local students at the dorm said I look like a Japanese. It was kind of fun at first, but I'm starting to feel like it's more of a debuff because instead of yasashii nihongo, I will be hit with normal level speech that can be very hard to listen.

In the evening of the first day, me and other 2 students from my country went to 3 different supermarkets to find items for our dorm. They even rode bicycles to a Donki far deep in the city to buy pillows (only mattress is provided in the dorm), utensils, and so much more. There were only 2 bicycles available so I just waited for them at the lounge, praying for their safety because one said they almost crashed into a car.

The two bought lots of ingredients to cook food on their own while I mostly bought instant meals. I don't feel like cooking because I'll have to wash the dishes, so I bought different food and put them together.

Personally, I think it turned out great.

The students from my country came from the same university and one is a classmate of mine. They are a cheerful person and a socializer. They probably befriended most of the exchange students already at this point. Thanks to them introducing me to others, I was able to talk and make friends with more people. Everyone was really kind. Some students' Japanese or English skills might not be very strong, but nothing can stop any of them from having fun together.

Tomorrow after sending in our documents at the City Hall, the exchange students are planning to have a barbeque party. I also heard another party will be held after too. It hasn't been a week, yet everyone seemed to close to each other. From a view of someone who's socially awkward, I find that fascinating.

I hope to get to know more of everyone soon.

[diariesof-kg]

Happy Pride.

06_04_23

I honestly want to go to Pride, it’ll be the only pride festive thing I’d do this month and onward.  I realized that I do like Megan Thee Stallion, as I reopened my twitter and found tweets I had written about her, Lol.  

*side note: my cousin was playing H.E.R. old album and I felt a strange emotion., I was like wow you listen to her H.E.R. he was like she has good music.  Phew, that album got me out of the last situation forreal.

Pressing forward, I am in a space that I feel like a disease and if I went I’d infect people around me, even though pride is about happiness and celebration and my oneself can’t affect masses of people.  It’s my subconscious telling me not to go.  Perhaps typing all my emotions out will release me from being numb.  Perhaps if I go I can receive some healing?  Maybe this is perfect timing to be in a positive space surrounded by people like myself?  I have until Wednesday to decide.  I did fork up over $500 to attend.  I think its like $650 or so, all those damn fees.  Maybe it could cure my numbness?  I feel like one of those broken people, but one that is more aware.  If I don’t go it’s just money lost, and I’d feel bad for wasting money, although money means nothing to me in a since, it just allows me to do things and nothing more.

I kind of want to see what Megan looks like in person.  I kind of want to see Mariah Carey, but me and her got beef from years ago. Lol, she always late and lip syncs.  I kind of want to live the life of VIP because everyone deserves to experience that and I did take off work at which my supervisor approved but could have denied.  Plus it’s my girlfriend first pride and she loves Megan, therefore she deserves to see her side chick and who am I to deny that.  Tomorrow is Monday, maybe I will feel better by Wednesday.  Maybe not.

I have a lot of mental work to do.  I don’t think I have any more sick time left.  There are so many positive reasons to go that would benefit me mentally.  Zena feels as though I should go. Lol, she sick of me laying in bed all day, literally.  Maybe I could meet new people and potential friends?  Too soon actually.  I kind of at this point don’t have much faith or trust in humans.  Everyone either wants to fck on you or use you.  Or better yet, manipulate you and throw you away.  It’s dangerous out here.  We shall see what this week entails.  I’d have to be on point without a phone though;  But all in all, Happy Pride!

[thearchivistsjournal]

Day 295,

Morning thought: I really hope that my being cagey about who requested last night’s telling doesn’t feed more rumors about me and Vernon being a thing.

*******

I’ve had an epiphany.  I think.  Maybe.  

The children are at their lunchtime recess at the moment and I’m taking the opportunity to write it down and get it out of my system before I get too distracted.

The new kid is left handed.  This was making it hard for him to follow along with some of the writing examples.  While trying to give him some extra attention and thinking about the complications of left handed writing paired with a left-to-right script I recalled that right-to-left scripts are a thing.  

What if Iole’s book is written right-to-left?

I haven’t said anything to Cass about it yet because I don’t want to get her hopes up, but she’s already figured out that I’m excited about something.  I told her I’d tell her after school ended for the day.

*******

I was right!  We think.  Maybe.

It’s hard to tell since we still can’t actually read any of the text but attempting to correlate the chant transcript to the book after accounting for the reversal seems to be closer to a match.  Maybe.  It’s definitely not exact and there may well be some wishful thinking happening on our end.

Even still, it is very exciting.

After the children left for the day Cass made it abundantly clear that she wasn’t going to accept anything other than an explanation for what it was that had me so visibly excited.  I’m told that it was showing it enough to seem notably out of character.

When I explained my theory to her she was skeptical to say the least.  Even after a long explanation of why a right-to-left script isn’t just the same thing as writing backwards I’m not sure she’s convinced that it’s more than a semantic difference.  Her bigger argument against it was that we would have noticed that sooner due to the line endings and margin alignment.  And I imagine we would have if not for the combination of the justified paragraph spacing in the book (another argument toward it being a technical manual in my opinion) and the fact that there were enough spots where text was worn away, faded, or otherwise missing to make it further ambiguous.  Add on top of that the tendency for inscriptions in the cathedral’s catacomb to be center-aligned and a heaping dose of assumptions on our parts and it starts to become more reasonable that we would have missed this.

But, longshot though it still was, we had not much better to do with our evening so we went ahead and started the syllabic comparison over again, this time taking Iole’s book in “reverse”.  We still went with the “reset point” of the chant as our point of reference.  For most of the evening it looked like this was just as much of a wash as the last time around but now with even more time wasting trying to, as Cass put it, “read each page backwards,” but as we were considering calling it a night and attending to our stomachs that were protesting the skipping of dinner we found the potential match.

Again, it wasn’t anywhere near an exact match, but the fact that it was closer than anything we’d found previously combined with the fact that it came at the start of what appeared to be a chapter or section break was too much of a coincidence to ignore.  It was sorely tempting to start pulling out the rest of the chant transcript and keep comparing to test for continuity, but we reluctantly decided against it.  As I said, it was getting late and between hunger, tiredness, an excitement that would lend itself to a biased interpretation we are putting it off until tomorrow after school.  Also, Norman and Marva were undoubtedly wondering where Cass was by that time.

Now if only the anticipation doesn’t keep me awake.

<==Previous          Next==>

[unmeinoniwa]

🌿 roundhouse kicks uritheo in here. fucker

Send 🌿 to accidentally get caught under the mistletoe with my muse. || selectively accepting.

     CELEBRATING the holidays was certainly out of the norm for someone like Theodore considering that more often than not, there was no one to share such occasions with. As of late however, any prior expectations that he would remain alone was turned upside down on its head when he joined up with the Scions and he soon found himself surrounded by people he could call friends.

     It was strange to think about how he got here, given that the way he went about introducing himself wasn’t ... well, quite the conventional method. He was sure that if it weren't for his fated encounter with Urianger, then perhaps he wouldn't even have considered taking the first step to overcome his fear of being rejected. If anything, he felt as if he should be grateful that that Urianger and even the rest of the Scions were just as out of the sorts as he was ( not that he meant any offense to them of course ).

     Perhaps a week before the notion of a party was even mentioned, Tataru had taken it upon herself to ensure that the Scions would get ample opportunity for leisure once the Starlight Celebration came around. Of course, she refused to allow the weary warriors to help out with the preparations as they were ordered to relax but fortunately, Theodore didn’t meet the criteria so he was more than happy to help out with setting up for the party. He figured it would be the least he could do as someone who did the bare minimum for the Scions and not to mention, the idea of being able to spend leisure time with Urianger in a party setting was admittedly, his prime motivator. Perhaps it was a selfish reasoning in hindsight but if you really thought about it, he only ended up joining the Scions because of Urianger. With that being said, it certainly wasn’t the only reason but a primary one nonetheless. He genuinely sympathize with the Scions’ cause and wanted to do what he could to help them with their mission ( within his limits as the archivist of Yggdrasil of course ).

     Finally came the day of the party and the Scions began to filter in by evening and of course, Theodore took the liberty to personally fetch Urianger from his duties and escort him to the party. “ Oh -- before I forget, ” He made sure to fit a Starlight hat upon Urianger’s head to help immerse him in the atmosphere of the holidays but Theodore couldn’t help but stifle a laugh when he realized how silly it was looked ( it was still endearing nonetheless ). The two arrived at the destination of the festivities and were immediately greeted by the sight of their smiling friends. It seemed the party already started but the important thing was that they were all enjoying themselves. 

     After mingling a bit with the other Scions, Theodore eventually excused himself so he could observe from the side; content to watch than to actually participate in this instance ( it was truthfully a role he still found himself unable to completely detach from ). It was a bit surreal to think about the fact that he was here now with people he could call friends. While he wasn’t entirely apart of the group just yet, it was still heartwarming to know that he was allowed to enjoy himself just like any other person in the world. He wondered just how long could this happiness last ? Perhaps ... it would be less painful if he just focused on the present than worrying about the future.

     Noticing Urianger was coming his way, he greeted his dear friend with a heartwarming smile. Honestly, a selfish part of him was hoping that Urianger would eventually come to chat with him and here they were, side-by-side just as they’ve always been for the past few months. It truly felt most comforting to be at Urianger’s side no matter where they were. “ It’s quite the lively party, isn’t it ? Albeit ... a bit overwhelming since I’ve never actually attended any parties before but it doesn’t mean I enjoy it any less. I’m just glad everyone is having fun. " Though, it was certainly a safer bet to enjoy it from a distance when Thancred and a few others were noticeably getting into some sort of drinking contest ( perhaps that was why Urianger even retreated back here in the first place ). He sheepishly laughed at the sight before he scooted himself a bit closer to Urianger and glanced up towards him ( that hat sure did look silly on him ). In that same instance however, his visage was overcome with a fluster and he nervously darted his gaze elsewhere the moment he realized what exactly was hanging directly above them. “ Hey ... um ... I’m not sure if you’ve realized but ... we’re actually standing under ... erm, a mistletoe. ” It was truthfully unintentional on Theodore’s part considering he just waltzed over here without thinking but he wanted to at least save Urianger the embarrassment of his other friends calling them out under the mistletoe ( so far, no one seemed to have taken notice ).

     Still, it wasn’t everyday they had such a coincidental opportunity like this and if anything, it made Theodore want to fully immerse himself in the traditions of the Starlight Celebration. So ... as long as no one was looking, it was fine, right ? In the time that everyone had their eyes on whatever was going on with the drinking contest, Theodore reached out to hold onto Urianger’s arm as not only as a means to use him as a sort of support but to catch his attention all the same. He raised himself on his tippy toes and leaned in so he could finally seize his lips into a chaste kiss. It wasn’t long before he retreated and he quickly made sure to release him as soon as the kiss ended so he could take a few steps back as if nothing had just happened. The least he did was offer Urianger an apologetic but yet cheeky smile for doing something so daring at a party. While it certainly wasn’t the most foolproof method ( if anything, he would be surprised if there wasn’t at least one pair of wandering eyes glancing their way ), he was convinced that the chaos of the party was far more noteworthy than what was happening between a couple hidden from plain view. 

     “ S - sorry ... I couldn’t help myself. ” Was he truly sorry though ? “ I figured it would be a bit romantic to kiss under a mistletoe ... but perhaps, I just wanted to see what kind of expression you’d make. Will you forgive me ... ? ” Honestly, when exactly did this mischievous side develop ?

[gurugirl]

The Queen's Secret Chapter 4*

Summary: The King's jealousy is revealed after Queen Y/n's second session with Prince Harry, and because their session gets cut short, Harry and Y/n make plans to meet later in the night.

Warning: Smut, angst, aggressive male behavior

The Queen's Secret Masterlist

Chapter 3*

Chapter 4*

The evening after the Queen and the Prince had their first session, they both found it hard to stop thinking about one another. The Queen and the King ate dinner together and while the King did ask how everything went, he seemed very casual about it and not worried in the least.

“It went just as expected. I hope that we can conceive this week and then it will be over with. But of course, we won’t know for sure for another few weeks, maybe even six more weeks before we can know whether I’m pregnant or not. I’ll be glad when it’s over with.” She lied. Of course she didn’t want this to be over with. Harry was an incredible lover and exceeded her expectations in every way. In fact, as she spoke about this to the King she was trying to stop herself from getting warm and working to regulate how her breathing became more labored and her heart rate increased.

She felt herself quite aroused just at the mention of the prince. Her thoughts of what he’d done to her not long before were overwhelming. She couldn’t help herself as she bit into her roasted vegetables and thought of how Harry’s long dick reached into her in a way the King’s never would. She couldn’t stop thinking of the noises he made when he felt her clenching around him, squeezing his meaty cock and the way it felt inside of her, thick and heavy. How he never forgot her clit or her own pleasure. The way his eyes met hers when he ate her out or when they were fucking.

Yes, she felt herself grow a bit damp in her panties at the just the thought of him. She couldn’t wait for the following evening with him again.

At the same time, Harry was reeling over what he’d allowed himself to feel when he was with the Queen. He experienced guilt at how much he liked it, how he enjoyed it far more than he enjoyed anything with Gertrude as of late. But he was hard pressed to not think about the Queen’s body and her soft moans, and the way she made him feel. Their bodies fit together so well and the Queen loved the things he did to her. Harry was already imaging how tomorrow’s session would go. All these thoughts about his Queen had him half hard in his trousers. But he wouldn’t take care of himself this week, not when he’d be with Y/n every night.

The following day, both Y/n and Harry were in exceptionally good moods. Both had enjoyed one another the day before and their physical needs had been more than met. They were also filled with anticipation of what was to come again that evening.

The Queen had been told to rest during the week she’d be having her sessions with the prince. So her day was spent relaxing, and reading, much like the day before. But today, the King, for some reason was more present than normal. He was being extra kind to her today. He brought to her the lunch that was prepared for her, which would normally be served by staff from the kitchen. When he entered their bedchambers, where the Queen preferred to eat on this day, she was surprised to see Edgar.

On the tray were all the things that would be good for a woman trying to conceive. Edgar placed it on the table where the Queen was sat on the balcony outside. She was reading when Edgar arrived.

“What are you doing serving me my lunch? Don’t you have a meeting you need to be attending right now?” Y/n knew his schedule to the minute. The King should’ve not been here.

“I cancelled. I want to be around today a bit. Yesterday I was only able to see you at dinner but this is a special week for us! Perhaps after your session tonight I can bring you back here and take care of you, you know, since you’re not getting an orgasm out of the deal.” He laughed, as if the matter were silly and lighthearted.

Now, even though the Queen was very well taken care of by Harry yesterday, what if they had just followed the rules? How would this circumstance have been funny or lighthearted at all? It’s quite awful actually. The original plan. She’s happy they secretly did away with the protocols.

“So, you plan on taking me here to give me an orgasm after I’ve been defiled by your brother-in-law?” The Queen figured if the King thought this was funny, she’d join in with her own jokes.

“Defiled? What? No! This is just a procedure that must be endured. Don’t think of it that way, my darling. I’m happy to give you what you need after each session. So, maybe your body will somehow be more open to conceiving. Relaxed and satisfied.”

The Queen couldn’t help the scoff that escaped her lips. The King had to know he was not a winner in bed. He had to have realized he often left her wanting. She made it no secret when she didn’t come. She never faked an orgasm with any man and she made her disappointment evident to Edgar when he’d come and then roll over to go to sleep. The King was not an idiot but this assumption he had was preposterous!

“Edgar… I… how are you going to give me what I need exactly?” The Queen took a bite of her seared leafy greens (which was supposed to provide her with exceptional nutrients her body would need for when she did become pregnant). She winced at the bitter taste but swallowed it down, nonetheless.

“Well, we’ll have sex, my dear. You like having sex. With Harry you aren’t able to enjoy it, but you can with me.” He stood next to her and spoke as if it should be no surprise. Perhaps the Queen underestimated Edgar’s idiocy after all. Maybe he was unaware or never noticed her disappointment.

She ate another bite and sipped the water and thought for a moment how she would tell the King what she wanted to tell him without hurting his feelings too badly, “Edgar… I don’t know how to tell you this but I don’t orgasm most of the time when you and I have sex. Is that not obvious to you, my husband?”

This is a conversation that Y/n knows should have taken place a long time ago. But she’s truly surprised that the King seems dumbfounded by this revelation.

“Why haven’t you told me this? I thought you enjoyed sex with me?” Edgar sat down at the chair opposite the Queen.

“I thought it was obvious. When you and I are together you never take care to see that I’m pleased. You just go in and come and then roll over and go to sleep. Are you not aware what it’s like when a woman has an orgasm? I mean, the difference between the times I do orgasm and when I don’t should be very obvious to you.”

The King sits with confusion on his face as he shakes his head in wonder, “I had no idea, Y/n. You are saying you don’t orgasm every time we are together?”

Y/n can’t believe how dumb the King sounds at this moment, “No. Not even close. It’s okay, though. Honestly. Our marriage is much more than just sex. I figured you realized all this. When I just lie there and barely make a peep, that doesn’t give you a hint?” Y/n kept a small smile on her face as she covered the back of the King’s hand with her palm, a gesture of kindness as she felt bad for the man.

The King has learned something new today. He’s rather perturbed by this. All of his years a bachelor and all the women he’s slept with should have given him an upper hand in this arena. “Perhaps you are just more difficult to please then, Y/n. I’ve never had trouble before.”

The Queen removes her hand from the King’s, putting her fork down and drinking her water. Now she’s pissed at him. Now she won’t be gentle or reassuring toward his manhood. What kind of comment is that?

“And I’ll tell you that I’ve never had trouble before marrying you. Perhaps you’re not as good as you think you are.” She cocks her head to the side and keeps her eyes on the King.

The King looks around the balcony and over his shoulder then back to the Queen, “I’ll be outside of the quarters waiting for you after your session.”

With that, he gets up and leaves the Queen in peace. This has dampened her mood considerably. Now she can’t take her time with the Prince and enjoy his body like she had last night. The King, in his delusion, has decided he’s going to take care of her, when he’s never been able to truly take care of her before. What an idiot.

At 5pm both Harry and Y/n are escorted to their quarters by the same guard as the night before. Edgar is no where to be seen.

When Harry and Y/n have entered the room Harry is immediately grasping the Queen by her neck and pulling her in to him, his lips on hers in a heated and needy kiss. The Queen breathes in heavy through her nose as Harry cradles her head and licks at her lips. Her arms slide up over his shoulders and she opens her mouth for him.

But, before the Queen can get too carried away, she needs to tell Harry about the King’s plans. She moves her hands down over his chest and pushes at him with a giggle, “Harry, wait…” she speaks breathlessly, bending back a bit, away from Harry’s lips as he continues to bend forward toward her.

Harry breaths and his chest is rising and falling in his excitement. He looks at her with worry on his face.

“Edgar said he’ll be waiting for me after our session with the guard. So we have to be quick and quiet I think.” Y/n bites her lip and takes in the prince. He’s so handsome and she just wants to tear his clothes off.

Harry pauses and blinks, “Oh. That’s disappointing. But don’t worry. We can make it quick if we need my Queen.” Harry dips down and begins kiss at her cheek and then lowers his lips to her jaw, “I still want you to come on my cock. Love how you feel around me.” He speaks quietly into her ear as he slowly moves her to the bed, his lips over her neck.

Y/n quickly begins to undress herself and Harry stands upright to unbutton the cuffs of his sleeves as he watches his Queen open her dress and reveal herself to him. He has been imagining touching her and smelling her all day long. Even if they have to be quick this time he will not waste the moment by worrying about her husband. He’s going to make every second count.

Soon, all their clothes are off and in a pile at the foot of the bed. Harry is quick to get the queen onto the bed and he climbs atop, spreading her thigh and immediately places two fingers at her clit and watches her face, “Gonna get your nice and wet first, okay? No matter what, I want you feeling good. I’ve been thinking of this all day and even if we don’t have all the time we want, I don’t want it spoiled.”

The pads of his fingers draw over her slowly as he takes his other hand and bends her left knee upward, pushing her thigh toward her chest. He smooths his hand under her thigh and the Queen places her palms over her breasts as she watches the tattooed man above her. Her soft breaths and the bucking of her hips give Harry the signals that he’s doing something right.

“Little pussy is begging for my cock isn’t she?” He speaks as he watches her pussy begin to glisten with her arousal. She slowly starts to become wetter with his fingers on her.

Y/n nods at the prince, “Yes, my pussy needs to be taken care of, Harry. You’re the only one who knows how.”

Harry darts his gaze from her cunt up to the Queen’s rounded eyes when she says this. He groans at her words and licks his lips. He can’t help himself when he lowers his mouth to her pussy and licks over her for a few minutes. Y/n immediately finds her fingers in his hair when his face settles over her mound.

When she moans too loudly Harry lifts his head and then slides two fingers inside of his Queen to feel her, “Shh shh shh…” he laughs lightly, “mustn’t be too loud. You ready for my cock? Wish I could take my time but seems we need to move this along a bit.”

The Queen smiles and nods, “Ready.” She bites her lip as Harry moves her into position how he wants her. Grabbing her right thigh, he places her leg over his shoulder as he keeps her other leg bent at the knee and hovers over her. He’s so hard it hurts and he knows he won’t last long, given how excited he was last night and all of today.

He watches her face as he begins to inch his way forward and when the Queen lets out a particularly high-pitched gasp Harry shakes his head and places his palm over her mouth, “Need to be quiet. I know it feels good. I know you’ve been neglected, Y/n. But if the King hears you sing out in pleasure, he’ll make it so we can’t do this anymore. You don’t want that do you?” He speaks as he continues pressing deep into her body.

The Queen shakes her head and sighs into Harry’s palm. His cock feels so good parting her walls and moving through her the way it does. She stretches so perfectly around him and he’s got her so wet already.

Harry breathes heavy as he begins to move into her, backing out and then pressing in deep, until he’s bottomed out, “Fucking balls deep, Y/n. God that feels good. No pussy like this one. I swear.” His words come out shaky and strained as he brings a hand down to gently put pressure on her clit, rubbing her slickness all over her sensitive bud.

Y/n gasps into Harry’s palm when he touches her clitoris. It’s so sensational, the feel of him over her. His cock is not like any other. She wants to talk to him but she also can’t control her moans and whimpers when Harry begins to fuck into her a little faster, a little harder. He’s talking a little extra dirty today and she loves it. And Harry was so on edge all day thinking about this moment that he’s unleashing his nastiest and most honest thoughts to her in dark whispers as he spreads her open with each thrust.

“You like this, don’t you? My cock making you feel good, Queen? Cause your pussy is all I could dream about last night. Your whines, how wet you are for me. Fuck…”

The Queen is thankful for Harry’s hand over her mouth because she is being just as loud as she was yesterday. She knows she can be quiet, it’s not hard when the King is fucking her. But with Harry? She’s having a difficult time controlling her volume.

But the sound of Harry fucking the Queen is loud through the room. Pat-pat-pat of their skin smacking together when his heavy balls make contact with her ass, the wet and slippery arousal allowing his solid and fat cock to slide in and out.

“Not gonna stop til you’re creaming all over my cock like you did yesterday. Want your come on me so I know I pleased you my Queen. Come for me, beautiful Queen.”

Y/n’s eyes rolled to the back of her head at his words and his cadence was hard enough that she was being pushed up toward the headboard at each smack. He never lifted his fingers from her clit, though, and that was exactly what she needed. To be fucked hard by Harry’s long cock and getting her clit sloppily rubbed over at the same time.

She moaned into his hand, moisture building between his palm and her lips as she kept a steady stream of heavy breaths and whimpers falling from her lungs. Her orgasm was already on its way, thanks to Harry’s dirty words and his fingers over her clit.

She grabbed onto his shoulders as he rolled his hips into her. He was going to burst into her. He was so horny, even before they’d begun. He couldn’t stop thinking of her. He had hoped that they could take their time but he wouldn’t complain about this at all. He was just happy to be in her presence and inside of her.

He groaned into the room as quietly as he was able to when he felt himself start to tip.

“Like being stuffed full of my cock, don’t you? Yeah? Gonna fill you with my sperm and give you my babies as soon as you come on my cock. Gonna make you a mommy soon.” He felt his vision blur when his orgasm started to unleash before he intended. He groaned and trembled, trying to hold himself back.

The Queen could feel his cock twitch inside of her and with his last phrase about being a mommy she could no longer think straight. Her orgasm wiped through her system, and she cried out in big gasps and whimpers, calling Harry’s name into his palm. He grunted when he felt her clench around him, his balls finally releasing his sperm up through his cock and into his Queen’s soft and fertile pussy.

They writhed together as their orgasms lingered for a few moments longer, both out of breath with ringing ears. Harry removed his palm and dragged the hand he held over her mouth over her cheek and pushed his fingers into her hair. He leaned down and kissed her lips, they were both still exasperated by their orgasms, heavy breaths and wildly beating hearts.

“Harry…” the Queen breathed out as quietly as she could in between his kisses, “… I need that all the time. You’re so good.”

Harry lapped into her mouth and moaned at her words, “Mmm…” he tried speaking to her, his words being pressed into her lips, “Fucking need it too, Y/n. Fuck.”

When they both stopped quivering and Harry sat up, he gently smoothed his hands over the Queen’s breasts and then down over her tummy, “I wish we had more time. Can I…” he sighed as he considered his next words, “… give you my number? Maybe you can text me or something. I know we can’t really… I just… I don’t know. Stupid idea.” He laughed and the Queen pushed herself up with her palms and then quickly wrapped her hand around Harry’s forearm.

“It’s not stupid. Not at all. I’d love to be in contact outside of just these sessions. But we must be careful.” She moved her hand to hold his and sat up further, reaching her other hand up to his neck to pull him down for another kiss.

They didn’t know what they were doing really. This was all a big mistake. They were beginning to feel very familiar and comfortable with another very quickly and Y/n was desperate for his touch and to have his eyes on her.

Their lips together made sense and Harry pulled her into his lap to feel her close. Their centers were both still wet and Y/n could use another orgasm but they had to leave the room soon, before the king wondered what was taking so long.

“You’re so beautiful, Y/n.” Harry looked at his Queen as she climbed off his lap and quickly picked up her robe.

She smiled at the prince and looked over his handsome and strong body as he stood from the bed, picking his own clothes up.

“I think you’re beautiful too, Harry. Maybe…” she bit her lip and tied the dressing robe tight around her center as she watched him pull his briefs up, “maybe we can see one another a little later. Perhaps I could come over? If you want, of course. I just feel like this wasn’t enough.”

Harry pauses and with a big grin across his face he nods and takes her in his arms, “You want to see me? Later?” He smiled at her in surprise.

The Queen put her hands over his hips, he was only wearing his underwear, “Yes. I know it’s inappropriate. But since Gertrude is gone this week and… well, we couldn’t really take our time. It’s just that I’d been imaging this all day and then Edgar ruined it.”

Harry nodded and pressed his lips to Y/n’s, “Yes. Please.” His warm lips encased hers and they stood in the center of the room with their lips attached when there was a sudden knock at the door.

They both jumped away from one another with wide eyes and could hear the muffled sound of someone speaking through the door. It was difficult to hear what was being said but they knew it was the king. For whom else would be allowed to disturb them during their session?

Harry rushed to pull his trousers up and fix his shirt and hair. Y/n smoothed her own hair out and slipped her shoes on.

When Harry had fixed himself the best he could he quickly drew the Queen back into his arms and kissed her, “Text me and we’ll make a plan.” He kept his eyes on hers for a moment before rushing to the door and opening it to see his brother-in-law, the king standing outside.

Harry greeted Edgar and turned back once more to see his Queen standing in the room with a frown on her face as she looked to her husband.

The king’s antics were clear to Y/n as soon as he’d gotten her back to their bedchambers. When she asked why he was at the door and knocking during their session, when it was explicitly laid out that no one other than the guard was to be at the door for any reason, his response had her angry with him.

“Because you’d been in there for a bit longer than I thought was necessary. He shouldn’t need to stay in there while you’re getting dressed. What business did he have to still be in there while you were putting your robe on?”

She and Edgar went back and forth a bit in argument but then the King told her to remove her robe and that it was time for him to please her.

“Edgar, really. I am not in the mood now. Can’t this wait? I’ve had to put up with this ordeal and now you need me to give more of myself? I’m tired.” Y/n did not sit on the bed as the King had asked her. Nor did she remove her robe.

“The prince has had you today and yesterday. I would like to have you now. Because you’re my wife. Or did you forget this?”

The Queen let out a trite laugh, hoping the King understood her snark, “I wouldn’t forget, Edgar. How could I? And I’d like to be left alone after those sessions. It’s draining having to do what I’m doing. You’re not in there so you don’t know. You’ll need to be more understanding with me during this time. The week will be up soon and we can go back to our normal routine. But this…” she waved her arms around her, “is not what I want right now. I’d like to relax and bathe perhaps. Maybe read a book to get my mind off this whole ordeal.”

“My Queen, if it’s that bad, I should stand in next time. So I can understand what you’re being put through. Tomorrow, I’ll go with you.”

The Queen’s eyes nearly bulged out of her head at his words and she crossed the room to her husband, “You will not! That is even more unacceptable than it is to stand outside of the room in wait for us. For both Harry and I, we are the ones having to do this. Why would I want to subject myself to further humiliation. You’ve lost your fucking mind, Edgar!”

The Queen walked past her husband and to the bathroom and was blocked from the closing the door when his hand stopped it.

“I think you have forgotten who the ruler of this land is, my dear. I can do what I please. If I want to stand in and watch the spectacle I will. If I want to stand at the door and time your interactions with Gertrude’s husband, I will. If I want to have sex with my wife after she’s had her session, by god I will!” His face was growing red as he spoke.

Y/n had never heard Edgar speak to her this way, though she’d never spoken to him the way she just did either, but she felt it was deserved. Their marriage had been relatively mundane up until this issue with his fertility came about.

“Listen, I need you to understand that my privacy is worth more to me than anything. Anything, Edgar. I am disappointed that you feel the need to undermine that and to disregard what I would like. I have done nothing wrong. My intentions are to get pregnant and then this will all be over with. If you are fiddling around with the rules and making things harder for us, well, I just think you’re going to make an already awful experience even worse and I will grow bitter and resentful toward you and surely Harry will too. I know he’ll go back to Gertrude telling her how awful you are if you insist on sitting in. It’s not an option if you want to be a sovereign king, Edgar.”

Edgar narrowed his eyes and grabbed at Y/n’s robe, pulling it open. The Queen gasped as she dealt with Edgar’s aggressive behavior. When he dragged the material off of her body he searched her flesh and pushed her to turn around.

“Fucks sake, Edgar! What are you doing?” She turned to look at the king.

“I’m making sure there are no marks, bruises, anything that could indicate Harry has been rough with you or has done more than he’s allowed.”

The Queen was coming to understand that Edgar wasn’t as calm about all this as he played it off previously. He seemed to not worry or care one bit, but this was something. He did care and it seemed he was even a little jealous perhaps.

“Please, Edgar. This is already humiliating enough. Now I’m subjected to my own husband treating me like a whore? Why are you doing this to me?”

Edgar’s hand ran over the Queen’s back and down toward her bottom, “Because you’re my wife. You belong to me. Not to Harry. I would think you would quickly obey and not question my judgement or authority. You’ve always been so good before this. It just makes me wonder.”

With her heart pounding in her chest and a lump in her throat the Queen spoke in a shaky breath, “I’ve never had the need to disobey or to question you, my King. But you are treating me like a harlot and I’ve been nothing but a good wife and helper to you. I won’t just allow you to disrespect me like this. You’ve never seen it because there’s never been a need. Until this moment.”

The king removed his hand from her skin, leaving the bathroom and then stormed out of the room with the heavy door slamming behind him. He was feeling himself lose control and he didn’t like that his wife was being fucked by another man who would get her pregnant when he couldn’t. He felt like a failure and his insecurities were beginning to be made evident. He feigned confidence but the reality was that he was feeling like less than a man for the first time in his life and he didn’t know how to deal with it.

Y/n was relieved that he’d left. She didn’t care that he was upset, she didn’t like him treating her the way he had. It was the first time he’d ever done something like that to her and she was angry and hurt. She made no move to leave the bathroom right away as she stood with her palms on the sink counter and looked at the mirror. Her robe was still on the floor at her feet where the king had pulled it off her. She was confused and shocked as well.

She knew what she and Harry were doing was crossing the line. They were starting to get very warm with one another and they both really enjoyed sex together. So was she allowed to feel hurt by her husband who seemed to be jealous when she had in fact done something wrong? She’d been given an orgasm less than an hour ago by a man who was not her husband. And maybe that was wrong, but at the same time, this whole circumstance wasn’t necessarily her fault. But she felt conflicted nonetheless.

After a shower and much consideration about her circumstance she decided to text Harry. The more she thought about what the king had done the angrier she grew. The king could have told the court and the Kingdom of Manon the truth. That they were unable to have a child and then Harry and Gertrude’s children would have been up for the crown next and the people would have been satisfied with this. She knows it. But the king, in his self-righteous and egotistical manner, insisted that the kingdom not find out about him being infertile. If he’d just swallowed his pride, none of this would be happening. Y/n would be fine to go on with her husband as they were. Her life was filled with interesting people and organized volunteer outings, consequential decision making in conjunction with the king, new hobbies, travel, and the like. Being the Queen had been a full-time job that she adored and while Edgar was not the star in bed that he'd made himself out to be, she would have been fine. Disappointed in their night routine but fine.

But now… well, the king wouldn’t settle for having anyone know of his shortcomings and it caused their current issue. This was his fault. The feelings and interest she developed toward Harry would have never begun if they’d never had sex in the first place. It was bound to happen if they became intimate. Maybe if it were another man in place of Harry Y/n wouldn’t be feeling the way she does but, the man she suddenly desires is Harry and it’s because of the ego of the king. He pushed them into this situation.

To Prince Harry: I will arrive at your home in thirty minutes if you’ll still have me.

The Queen put a dark grey cashmere tracksuit on. The soft sweater had a hood, which would be perfect for her going about without too many noticing her. When she’d put on her incognito outfit she looked at her phone and saw a response from Harry.

From Prince Harry: I will leave the door unlocked. Just come in when you arrive.

Leaving her guard behind wasn’t difficult. He didn’t need to go everywhere she went. Manon was a safe and stable kingdom and there had never been a threat to the Queen before. She had no enemies. She left the grounds quietly and with no one the wiser, except for the entrance guards. She told them she needed to clear her mind with an evening stroll and she’d be back in a few hours.

Harry and Gertrude lived only a fifteen-minute walk away. Their beautiful home was fit for a Prince and Princess. It was large and would be considered a mansion by any standards. The front lawn was manicured with trees and shrubs and a lattice went up the front of the façade with vines winding around the slats.

When she got to the front door, she went inside as instructed and shut the door behind her. She could hear Harry descending the stairs until suddenly he was in view before her as he made his way down the last few steps.

Without any words exchanged, Harry rushed to where Y/n stood near the front door and took her face into his hands and pressed his lips to hers in greeting.

Y/n wanted to tell Harry of all the things the king had said and done right away but she could tell that would all need to wait with the way Harry had her body pushed into the wall next to the door, how his hands smoothed around to the back of her neck holding her close to him as his lips enveloped hers in a crushing kiss.

Yes, talk could wait. For there was a more immediate need upon the new lovers.

Chapter 5*

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[zaraomarrogers]

Always and Forever - 5

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Fem Reader

Warnings: Angst, Fluff, sexual content, 18+, minors do not interact

~*~

The moment Steve got into his hotel room his phone went off. He groaned seeing the caller ID.

“What is it Tony?” Steve wasn’t in a mood for Tony’s late night chitter chatter. Few rounds of beer with Bucky got him slightly drunk and he knew Tony would drain his remaining little energy with gossips.

“Who bit you Rogers? Why the sour mood?” Tony teased, earning another groan from Steve.

“What made you call me at...” Steve checked the time on his wrist watch, “11:15 pm? Did Pepper ignore you again?”

“Nope!!” Tony said popping the ‘p' and continued. “Actually, she called me this morning. She sounded so pissed because she was expecting me there, not you.”

“Fucking finally!!” Steve muttered.

“Language, Rogers!”

“Really Tony! You missed the event when you could have come, you had a free weekend”

“Calm down Rogers! You did a favour and I’d be grateful like all the other times you’d been there for me and this company.” Tony said in one breath and continued, “Its not about me attending the event, I called you for something else.”

“Judging by your tone, it’s another favour, isn’t it?” Steve laid down on bed, adjusting his head on the pillows.

“I swear I would have kissed you, Rogers, ofcourse if you were here but since you’re not I can send you some...” Tony turned the camera on on his phone, bring it near his lips and with horrible sound of muahh, he kissed the camera.

“... virtual kiss, if that works for you, bro.” Steve rolled his eyes at Tony’s cheekiness.

“What’s the favour, Tony?” he came straight to the point.

“So, I’ve heard the show was a great success. Y/n Carter was the highlight of the show not in only in terms of managing and arranging the whole event but as a show stopper for the designer.” Steve’s heart skipped a beat on Y/n’s mention. He sat up, “...her work was outstanding and different fashion outlets are approaching her.... but Pepper doesn’t wana  lose her...” Steve took a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “.... She’s one of the Pepper's most trusted employees and also her friend. The only problem is, some rivals are peeking their heads up after the success and the fact that Pepper has already lost her employees on big positions for obvious reasons and now she needs someone to make the company stable.” Tony was now contemplating his next words.

“What do you want me to do Tony?” Steve was curious to know where this conversation was heading.

“She asked for my help and I couldn’t have said no, Steve. I assured her that you’ll help her out with the company. You have experience, you’re smart and knows exactly what it takes to keep it firm on its feet....”

Whatever Tony had said  wasn’t hard to comprehend but Steve was stunned. If what Tony had just told him meant he could stay here and it would give him opportunity to be in Malcolm’s life. He wanted to thank the universe to give him this chance to be with his son.

He had planned to call Tony in the morning to ask for some days off of work but this new opportunity of working in the same place as Y/n would may be fix something between them. He was hopeful. He was happy.

“STEEEEVE?? Are you even listening?”

“I’d stay.” Steve said.

“Pardon.”

“I said I’m going to stay and help Pepper and the company.” Steve said.

“Are you sure? I mean you’re not angry or something? I could’ve asked....”

“Its fine Tony! Just send me all the details and I’d fix a meeting with Pepper first thing.” All of a sudden Steve  found a new purpose.

“Sure man! Thanks again. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Tony said gratefully.

“Don’t repeat yourself Tony, I was ignoring you the first time.” Steve smirked, disconnecting the line.

Steve was contented that his stay in Boston had been sorted out, only thing bothering him was his insignificant relationship with Peggy. He wanted to end things on phone, sure it’d be an asshole thing to do but did he care less.

No matter how much he thought would it be justified, he couldn’t do it. Sarah had raised him better. He smiled thinking about telling his Ma about little Malcolm. He’d call her first thing in the morning, he made a mental note. It had been just a day he had known about Malcolm’s existence and it brought him so much happiness. His little boy was hard copy of him but he got all his traits from his mama.

Steve chuckled looking at the  photos he had taken of his son during the day. A photo of him and Malcolm in the backyard taken by Bucky. Malcolm was clung onto his shoulders and laughing adorably. A video of them playing with a ball and Malcolm’s yelling I wuv you daddy loud and clear in it. He was already missing his little bean, his purpose of living now.

Steve wanted to thank Y/n. He wanted to tell her how grateful he was of her. She had let Malcolm known about him even when he wasn’t in their life. Steve would forever be in debt of her and she had raised their kid as a working single mother. He had never thought that there come a time when Y/n and him would act as strangers especially Y/n. He was unable to find any sort of emotion in her eyes. She was distant like she didn’t know him. Like they didn’t have anything she could remember. He remembered her throwing the coffee he brought for her in the bin. He knew he had hurt her in worst possible way but he didn’t know how to tell her that he was sorry. He was sorry because he didn’t make an effort to find her, to go after her. He was so embarrassed. He was so disgusted by himself that he thought not showing his face again would be the best thing he could  do for her. He thought he was punishing himself, he deserved this punishment but what he didn’t know was things would be so much different for Y/n and for him if he showed up. If he went after her.

He had fucked up!

 

~*~

 

Incessant buzzing of Steve’s phone on the night stand stirred him in deep sleep. He  pressed the slide to answer the call and immediately a wide grin adorned his godly features.

 

“Daddy? Where you? Call many times, no pick.” Malcolm chirped in his sweet voice.

“Good Morning, buddy! Sorry I was asleep. I have just woken up.” Steve said through smile. He heard Mal talking to Y/n, he was asking her to open the video. Steve sat up a little in bed, leaned against the headrest. He finger combed his hair and turned the video on. Malcolm was sitting in Y/n’s lap in the kitchen. Steve felt his swollen with happiness at the sight of mama and baby. Y/n’s hand was wrapped Mal for support. The little boy was obviously excited and energetic.

“Aww daddy in bed.” Malcolm giggled. Steve couldn’t help but stare at Y/n. Her hair were in pony tail. She was wearing a white t-shirt and her face had no sign of makeup. Steve forgot to take a breath.

“When see you daddy? I go pawk with mama. Pwease come.”

“I’d love that, buddy. But we need to ask mama if I can come along.” Steve could see how Y/n was looking anywhere but at the camera. She was clearly uncomfortable.

“Mama, can daddy come, pwease?”

“Yes, he can come.” Y/n said lightly. She kissed the side of Malcolm’s head.

“We go to the park every Sunday. You must have passed it yesterday while coming over, its right across the street.” She told Steve still avoiding the eye contact.

“Yeah! I’d be there in thirty minutes? Is that okay?”

“How thiwty minutes mama?” Malcolm asked now bouncing on his mama’s lap with excitement.

“Thirty minutes means half an hour. Daddy will be here in half an hour.” Y/n explained.

“Too much time, daddy. Come soon.” Malcolm whined.

“Okay I’d try my best to come before thirty minutes Mal.”

“Mal-pal, daddy needs to get ready and drive to the park. It will take at least thirty minute, sweetheart. How about we go to park and play on slides and daddy will join us.” Y/n reasoned with him.

“Okay mama.” Malcolm pouted and Y/n kissed him on the head again.

“Daddy, you pway on monkey baw with me. You howd me up up and more up and I jump. Okay daddy?” Malcolm asked Steve excitedly.

“Sure buddy. We’ll play whatever you pick.”

“Yaayyyyy daaaddyyy wuv you.” Malcolm screamed in pure joy and kissed his mama’s face.

“I love you too Mal.” Steve whispered. He didn’t know if Malcolm had heard him but Y/n looked at him first time in this video call. Steve couldn’t read her expression because she was quick to look away.

“Daddy wuv me, mama.” Malcolm confirmed.

“Yes.” She whispered.

“Hey buddy, you want me to bring anything for you?” Steve asked not wanting to break the lovely moment between Y/n and Malcolm.

“What anything daddy?” He asked innocently.

“Like something to eat. Doughnuts, pie, cookies, anything you say....”

Malcolm turned to see Y/n, his way of asking permission. Y/n smiled at him lovingly and reminded him that he had already taken breakfast.

“I eaten bweakfast al’eady, daddy. I no want anything.”

“Ohh no! Then daddy will come with coffee for him and mama. Is that okay?.”

“Is okay mama? Daddy bwing coffee fow you.”

“I have already had my coffee. No need to bring anything. C'mon Mal-pal, we gotta go to park or we’ll be late.”

“Okay mama. Daddy come soon pwease.” Malcolm said and send a flying kiss to Steve with a bye bye and disconnected the call once Steve assured him that he’d be there in thirty minutes.

 

~*~

 

“I’ve been meaning to speak with you.” Y/n initiated when Steve came to sit beside her on the bench, dusting off the mud from his shirt.

Malcolm was playing with other kids in the park. As promised, Steve had arrived at the park when Malcolm was on the slides. Once he saw his daddy, he ran to him and into his arms. Steve helped him climbing up the monkey bars. He told him a story of his childhood days when his parents use to take him to parks and different other places. They both almost had rolled on the mud and grass laughing and enjoying.

Y/n watched Malcolm having fun with Steve, something shift in her heart. She always wanted Malcolm to know his father and just be able to be with him. No matter how angry she was at Steve, she realised she’d do anything and everything to see her baby laugh and smile, just the way they were right now. It was her and Malcolm’s Sunday routine. They’d walk down the park after breakfast and spend an hour together, it was also unwinding for her.

 

“Go ahead, what is it you want to talk about?” Steve said softly, his tone still the same with her as it was four years ago. His eyes still held the same love and adoration for her.

“I need to make sure if you’re going to be in Malcolm’s life or it is just as coincidental as it seems.” Y/n’s eyes were on Malcolm, she could see him sliding down the slide with other kids.

“I want to stay. In fact, I’m staying and I’d make sure that I’d be in his life permanently.” He gently told her while trying to read her blank face.

“.... if I had known about him, I would be here from the beginning. Y/n/n, I know I’ve fucked up.....”

“That’s Y/n for you.” She harshly cut him off. “You’d be on Malcolm’s schedule if you are to stay here. I’ll send you his routine and then you can have your time with him.” Steve gulped hard, he didn’t want to show her how much he was hurting.

“Mal hasn’t started school, he goes to Alice’s day care. I don’t know if you remember, Alice runs a day care and I put Mal in there because I’m working full time, besides he’d be with Alice. I pick him up at around three in the afternoon and bring him to my work place. My boss's daughter and him are good friends and we have a small setup for both of them to play within the premises.” She gave him a heads up of Malcolm’s routine.

“If he’s spending rest of his time at your work then I get to meet him as well, daily.” A smile appeared on Steve’s face.

Y/n gave him a confused look.

“Tony asked me to help Pepper with the company.” He further explained, “I work at Stark Industries. I’m leading marketing department as their executive....” Y/n looked at him with wide eyes. She didn’t know what had possessed her heart was filled with so much happiness for him. Steve always wanted to be a part of Stark industries. It was his dream job and she felt so proud of him regardless of how things are between them right now.

“Congratulations!” She said in a small voice. “.... I mean... it’s  where you always wanted to be.” She cleared her throat at sudden awkwardness.

“Thank you Y/n. I wish things....”

“So you’re taking over our marketing and advertising, I didn’t know Pepper’s gonna take a decision.” She said the latter in a whisper but Steve heard it.

“Pepper called Tony to discuss this and Tony put me in, since I was already here for the event.” Steve explained.

“Mhmm...”

“By the way, it was a great event. You did an outstanding job Y/n/n... I mean Y/n... it was splendid. I’m so proud of you.”

They both looked at each other at the same time, holding each other’s gaze, like in a trance. While Steve’s gaze held pure love and affection, her’s had melancholy and heartache but one thing that was common between them was longing, longing for each other, for the life they’d dreamed of together.

Neither of them noticed when Malcolm tripped over and fell. Time they had spent together was reeling in front of their eyes. Y/n wanted nothing but to be in his arms again. Her safe place. Her home.

Steve was no different, he desperately needed her in his arms. He wanted to spend rest of his life holding her tightly and cherish her with every breath he had.  

Malcolm came to Y/n with a face as long as a fiddle, bringing his parents back to reality.

“Mama, I got a boo boo. You no see, why?” tears were about to spill from his eyes.

Y/n came to her senses and put him in her lap.

“I’m sorry Mal-pal. How’d you get this?” She inspected the tiny scraps on both his knees and smiled. Steve looked at Malcolm’s knees and heaved a sigh.

Malcolm didn’t answer her question, instead hid his face in her chest.

“Hey Buddy...” Steve started, he looked at Y/n for a go ahead signal and when she nodded at him, he continued. “.... Mama and I are sorry that we didn’t come to you. Because we know you’re a big boy now, and big boys don’t get upset with boo boo. Right Mama?”

“Yup! If we don’t get a boo boo, we won’t grow up Mal-pal. That’s how mama and daddy has become grown ups.”

Malcolm looked up at his mama first and then his daddy.

“I a big boy?” he asked curiously.

“Yes.” Steve and Y/n both said at the same time.

“.... and big boy gets to eat his favourite lunch.” Y/n suggested, “Dino nuggets and fries or veggie sandwich?”

Malcolm shook his head vigorously. “What daddy eat fow wunch, I eat same as daddy.”

“Daddy will have burger and fries. You want to have same lunch as daddy?” Steve said and earned a glare from Y/n.

“Yes! Mama buwge’ and fries, pwease.” Malcolm was excited.

“Mal-pal...”

“Pwease mama, pwease.”

“On one condition, you’re gonna have to eat your veggies in dinner. Promise?” Y/n hold out her hand.

“Pwomise mama.”

He jumped off her lap and onto Steve’s lap. “ ‘ets go, daddy.”

Steve roared with a laughter followed by Malcolm’s giggles. He stood up, Malcolm still clinging to him, “C'mon mama, we go with daddy.”  Y/n shook her head disapprovingly.

She followed them towards Steve’s car. It wasn’t how she had thought it would go. She couldn’t break her little boy's heart but she needed to make him understand that he’d spend his time with his daddy separately. It was going to stir many questions in Malcolm’s mind and she was willing to answer all his questions.

She had a slip up just minutes ago, she couldn’t let Steve hold this much power over her again. She didn’t want to end up hurting again. She knew Steve had said that he would stay here but how could she trust him when he promised her that he would always come to find her and he didn’t. She desperately wanted to protect her child from the same heartache and feeling of abandonment she had went through.

Should she limit Steve’s time with Malcolm?

How about only on weekends?

Or may be at her house, in her supervision....??

She couldn’t decide. She couldn’t think of anything. She needed to ask her dad or may be Alice would help her. Oh, they definitely will. But she knew what’s best for her child, she didn’t need anyone’s help.

In her conflicting thoughts she didn't realise Steve had hold her hands while crossing the road.