#the only exception to this would be people who cannot financially provide the aid for a baby with downs syndrom

[ruthlesslistener]

listen I am about as pro-abortion as anyone can be, but aborting a baby just because they have Down's Syndrome should be fucking illegal. If you're someone who actively wants and is trying for a child, then you should be mentally, financially, and emotionally willing to provide for that child for the rest of your life if something goes wrong- because that is what being a good parent takes, and many many things can go wrong. Down's Syndrome is not at all close to the worst thing that can happen to a baby, and people with it can grow up to be happy, healthy, content adults- they just need a little bit of extra help and a different approach to raising them. If you just want a 'normal' child so that you can boot them out of your house when they turn 18 and have them around to take care of you when you're older, then you don't actually want children, you want an investment. A doll, not a family member. Not a person.

[mental-ch-illness]

Can you fake or exaggerate symptoms of any mental disorder? And actually get away with it?

absolutely. 

i know that this community isn’t too fond of addressing this topic, but this has definitely happened and continues to happen. for every person who is caught, i can almost guarantee you there are at least 3 more that haven’t been. that being said, i don’t think that fakers are extremely common, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have these conversations.

not everyone is gonna want to see this, so i’ve put it below the cut.

when we find out someone is faking something, our emotions may be varied. it can be really difficult to sort through it all, and that’s okay. your emotions are an involuntary response to your environment, it’s only how you deal with those emotions that truly matters. i think that the most common emotion experienced, however, is probably anger and rightfully so. these situations, though, are rarely something that can be handled correctly with anger. moving forward and deciding how to take action can be very difficult. 

if you suspect someone you know is faking, or even have proof of it, you should step back and asses the situation. ask yourself the following questions:

what is the scale of this situation?

how many people are actively they faking to?

are they faking in public or in private?

do they have any power/influence?

are they attempting to educate or spread awareness about a condition that they do not have?

what are they gaining by faking?

are they taking up community resources?

taking up space in therapy groups or activities

taking up limited clinician time

taking up psychiatric unit beds 

receiving government aid, financial or otherwise,

receiving aid from other organizations/charities

etc

have they hurt themselves or others to prove or maintain their facade?

what kind of people are they lying to?

what do you personally want to happen?

honestly, trying to describe each and every nuance of this situation and what i believe is the best course of action is really taxing so i’ll be summarizing as best i can. 

under what conditions would i POTENTIALLY need to call this person out within a friend group/community?

if they have received financial aid or donations of resources from friends or from the community 

if they have a large following or influence, particularly if they are championing themselves as an educator or advocate

if they have hurt themselves or others in the process

be extremely careful with callouts. remember that you are one person and you can’t possibly know everything about a situation. this person could have received the wrong diagnosis, mistaken symptoms/experiences for the disorder, have been manipulated into believing they have a disorder, or are just not aware that they are faking (yes, this does happen!). a call out can do way more harm than good. 

for the most part, if a faker is just faking for attention and isn’t attempting to use their faked disorder for personal gain, you should literally leave it alone. it’s not a fight worth starting. some people are just horribly insecure and incredibly toxic. you can’t change them and you can’t save everyone around them. calling a faker out when it doesn’t really need to happen will victimize them and push them to lean further into the lie. ignoring them and encouraging others to ignore them and leave is generally the safest and least stressful option for everyone- except the faker. 

additionally, remember the ramifications of this action. some people will get very defensive and actively seek you out and try to sabotage you. 

i’m not close to the faker, what should i do?

distance yourself from the faker. tell others you do not want to be around them and do not want any contact on the faker’s behalf. 

i’m not close to the faker but a friend is, what should i do?

pull your friend aside privately and calmly bring up your concerns. do not demonize the faker, even though that is very easy. you cannot force a friend into taking your side, but if you at least address the situation, you’ve done what you can. 

i want to directly confront the faker, what do i do?

if your reasoning for confronting a faker is because you want to hurt them or make them feel bad, don’t. that will only cause them to lean into the lie even more. it victimizes them and they love that. 

if you want to confront the faker in an attempt to maybe get them to understand that what they’re doing is wrong, you need to have a private, one on one conversation. be nonjudgemental. being nonjudgemental doesn’t mean condoning their actions, it means staying neutral to achieve a goal. many people who fake for attention are actively hurting. plenty of them come from rough situations and are insecure. additionally, many feel guilty. offering them a chance to come clean instead of destroying them can be a great act of compassion and really turn someone’s life around. it can also provide a lot of closure as well.

this is NOT for everyone though. examine your emotions and how you feel about this person. if you genuinely can’t forgive them at this time, or ever, this isn’t something you should do. there is absolutely NO SHAME in just dropping the person and never seeing them again. you are the victim in this situation, you do what is best for YOU, not the faker. 

i’ve found the faker in another community, what do i do?

are they actively faking in this other community? if they are, then privately speak with whoever is in charge. if they aren’t faking and aren’t hurting anyone there, there’s really no point to bringing it up. 

if you have previously confronted this person in the past and they are not faking anymore leave them alone. it’s clear this person has made an effort to change. they don’t need to have mistakes thrown in their face constantly. following someone around and trying to make their life miserable is just not healthy for you. 

i have been open in the past about being a compulsive liar. i have else met a LOT of other liars and illness fakers in my life. this is how i have dealt with them in the past. if you feel like this is too light, yeah, maybe it is, but fixating over trying to ruin someone will only ruin you. the best way to show someone you see through them is to literally cut them off and go no contact. nothing drives a manipulator up the wall more than losing one of their prey.

if a person is trying to change, then let them. when i came clean about my lying, i lost a lot of friends, and rightfully so. i don’t blame any of them for feeling the way they did about what i did to them. i don’t see myself as a victim of their anger when it comes to their initial actions. that being said, they have continued to go after me despite the fact that i have actively changed and have people around me who keep me accountable. it’s not healthy for anyone involved to drag around a dead horse and beat it when you get angry. 

i hope this helps!

[eretzyisrael]

What President Biden Will Mean for Israel

As I write this, preparations are underway for the swearing-in ceremony of a new President of the US. Nobody truly knows what this will mean for us in Israel. Caroline Glick, who can be depended on to see the dark side – often, unfortunately, correctly – finds Biden’s appointments of numerous former Obama officials, some of whom are demonstrably anti-Israel, to be evidence that the new administration will return to the almost maliciously anti-Israel policies of the Obama Administration.

On the other hand, as Bret Stephens notes (in a masterful piece that I hope will be required reading for Biden and his people), the situation has drastically changed since Obama pursued his diplomatic assault on Israel. Everything is different (except perhaps the Palestinians). Israel, Iran, the Arab nations, and the situation in the USA have all undergone significant changes. The damage to American interests from continuing Obama’s policy today would be even greater than in 2008-2016.

But not all politics is rational, as history amply demonstrates. Bad regimes sometimes follow policies dictated primarily by the misapprehensions, prejudices or even obsessions of their leadership rather than the interests of their nations. The Obama Administration was one of those.

Indeed, its interpretations of the intentions of the Palestinians and the Iranian regime – which could be determined simply by paying attention to their words – were so far from reality that I often found myself asking, “stupid or evil?” Did American officials really think that the Palestinians would be satisfied with a peaceful state alongside Israel if only the right concessions were forced out of us? Did they really believe that the agreement with the Iranians would prevent them from getting nuclear weapons, or even significantly slow them down?

There was also an ideological element, a clear affinity of Obama himself to the Muslim opponents of Israel that was demonstrated by the speech he delivered in Cairo shortly after his inauguration. There was his comparison of the Palestinians to black Americans, one of the worst possible analogies. And there was his antipathy for our Prime Minister, which he famously shared in an off-mike chat with the French president. Taking all this into account, one can be excused for thinking that one of the deliberate objectives of Obama’s policies was to weaken and hurt Israel.

While these personal characteristics of Barack Obama do not apply to Joe Biden, he does seem to believe in the traditional (and wrong) principles of American Middle East policy, such as the primacy of creating a sovereign Palestinian state in bringing normal relations to the region. He agrees with Obama that Israeli settlements in Judea and Samaria are “illegitimate and an obstacle to peace,” a position that the State Department reversed under Trump.

American policy toward the Palestinians, going back to the Clinton Administration, has always been to provide ample financial aid to them and get Israel to make concessions up front, both territorial and practical (like freeing jailed terrorists). And Obama’s Iran policy was heavily front-loaded with financial benefits to Iran. One would think that professional diplomats would understand why this strategy failed over and over. Both the Palestinians and the Iranians have objectives that they cannot be paid to give up. Giving them presents only made them ask for more, and in both cases they used the money to pay for terrorism.

The non-professionals of the Trump Administration did understand this. They reversed course and applied economic pressure to both the Palestinians and the Iranian regime, in order to create leverage for negotiations. Unfortunately, the policy hasn’t been in place long enough to tell if it will work, but the desire to be “not-Trump” may cause the new Administration to end sanctions on Iran and re-fund the PA and UNRWA – making failure a certainty. Biden has already promised to restore Trump-suspended payments to UNRWA, the Palestinian refugee agency, thus continuing the decades-long growth of a hostile population of heavily indoctrinated, stateless welfare clients.

We can also expect a resumption of objections from the US against Jewish construction in Judea/Samaria and Eastern Jerusalem, joining the chorus from Europe. It wouldn’t surprise me if another unannounced but near-total freeze on construction will soon go into effect.

In more encouraging news, recent comments by Anthony Blinken, Biden’s nominee for Secretary of State, indicate that he doesn’t intend to reactivate the Iran deal immediately. Nevertheless, we should watch for any loosening of the Trump-applied sanctions on Iran as an indication of the likely direction the administration will take.

Israel has been engaged in a “war between the wars,” against Iranian installations in Syria. The Trump Administration did not interfere. I expect that attacks against these targets will be less frequent under the new administration. A warning sign will be if they stop entirely.

I had hoped that Israel would utilize the last weeks of Trump’s term to destroy the Iranian nuclear installations, perhaps even with American help; but apparently our PM and the IDF believe that their lower-level activities are effective enough that such an ambitious project wasn’t needed. We might regret this later; I will be very surprised if it happens under Biden.

All of the above is based on the assumption that the “moderates” in Biden’s administration, including Biden himself, will be in control. And here is where the real scary stuff begins.

Biden is 78 years old, older than any other American president at the time of his inauguration (Trump was 70 and Ronald Reagan was not quite 78 at the end of his second term). He certainly does not appear to me, admittedly a non-professional, to be at the top of his game … or worse. Even if he remains as president for a full term, it’s hard to imagine that he will be calling the shots. His vice president, Kamala Harris, is an unknown quantity in the area of foreign affairs. And there are strong forces that will be trying to exert their influence on the administration – unfriendly ones.

One is the left wing of the Democratic party, which supported Bernie Sanders for the presidency, and which is strongly anti-Israel. The other is the Obama organization.

When Barack Obama left the White House, he did not retire from politics and retreat to his home state, like so many other ex-presidents. Rather, he bought a home in walking distance to the White House, and transformed his highly effective campaign fund-raising organization into a social action group, with both domestic and foreign policy goals. It’s hard to believe that he will not try to exert influence over the new administration.

I believe that Israel will be able to work with an administration that is somewhat less friendly than that of Trump, as long as it is honestly interested in regional peace. Israel will present the evidence – which is overwhelming – that Iran wants to develop nuclear weapons; indeed, is developing them now. Together with its new allies in the Arab world, it will argue that continued maximum economic and diplomatic pressure is the most effective way to stop Iran, short of war.

I believe also that Israel will be able to convince such an administration that the real reason for the lack of progress with the Palestinians is their refusal to accept the existence of a Jewish state with any borders. We will explain that the development of Israel’s relations with other Arab states means that Palestinian sovereignty can be delayed indefinitely, until the Palestinians are prepared to accept the legitimacy of the nation state of the Jewish people.

But if the American administration undergoes a sharp turn toward the left, either as a result of a takeover by the left wing of the Democratic Party or from the influence of the Obama organization, we could see a return of Obama-era pressure for concessions, restrictions on our actions, and appeasement of Iran.

We’ve made a great deal of progress in the past four years. It would be a shame if it were reversed.

We’ll find out in the next few months.

Abu Yehuda

[basicsofislam]

BASICS OF ISLAM : Morals and Manners :Care of Kin.Part2

Since it has been commanded by God and His Messenger Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, to visit and care for relatives, it would be appropriate here to examine how this should be done. There are certain “degrees” of sila al-rahm:

The absolute minimum is to speak kindly to relatives and be amiable when talking to them, to greet them when we encounter them, to ask after their well-being, and to always think positively about them and want the best for them.

The second level is to go and visit them and to come to their aid in various circumstances. Such actions are a more physical way of serving our relatives. This is especially important as our relatives get older and need someone to assist them with things they can no longer do for themselves.

The third and most important level of sila al-rahm is to give one’s relatives financial and material support.

There are exceptional circumstances, such as when someone is too poor to support their relatives materially. But the Muslim who is well-off cannot be said to have completed the duties of sila al- rahm simply by visiting and asking after their relatives. For such a person, these duties include financial support, as much as they can afford, for less well-off relatives. This support can be in the form of giving them a regular amount of  money,  or  providing  them with the things they need. This is what is meant by “looking after and caring for relatives” in Islam; a good Muslim should carry out all of the above three “degrees” of support to the best of their ability. Otherwise, if they neglect to carry out those duties that are in their power, they will be held accountable. We must keep in mind the punishment for those who neglect these duties given in the above Qur’anic verse. Our Prophet also said,

“Every Friday night each person’s deeds are presented to God; only those who neglect sila al-rahm will have their deeds denied.”

Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, spoke of this topic in another hadith, proclaiming that faith in God and in the Last Day requires looking after one’s relatives. The Prophet said that God’s mercy is on those whom God judges to be taking good care of their families and those who take care to maintain blood ties. Conversely, God curses anyone who makes no effort to maintain their relationships with their relatives.

There are also other warnings that state that those who cut ties with their relatives will be punished.  The  Prophet  declared that such people will not be admitted to Paradise. He also taught that only those who take good care of their relatives will be granted longer life and more abundance, and that one who gives financial help to relatives will be rewarded twice, both for helping family and for giving to charity.

[ashbournerp]

From the ashes, rises Arisa Sarasin (Davika Hoorne FC), A Head for Numbers, The Financier of Stone Garden. Penned by Nina

From Arisa’s beautiful, family backstory of rising from humble means to her uncanny rise to the Stone Garden’s financier - our breathe has been taken away. Her elusive yet ruthless nature perfectly compliments the rest of Stone Garden’s key players, and we cannot wait until Arisa graces our dash with her head for numbers.

Out of Character (OOC)

Name/Alias: Nina.

Age: 28.

Pronouns: She/her.

Timezone: GMT+10.

Triggers: (Removed)

Activity: I work full time during the week so activity would be around 6-7 during the weekdays, although this will increase to 8 as I’m usually free on the weekends. Replies will tend to fluctuate depending on how busy I am, but I’m always accessible either here or on Discord to brainstorm ideas or just to chat!

1.) For a Skeleton Position: In Character (IC)

Character Name: Arisa Sarasin.

Age: 30.

Selected Skeleton: A Head for Numbers.

Dukedom: Stone Garden.

Faceclaim: Davika Hoorne.

Pronouns: She/her.

Biography: 

“What do you want?” 

- 

Once, the Sarasins had nothing. 

They were nobodies, left to wallow on the fringes of society and desperately longing for something, anything better than this. Suffering was long the norm, so was losing hope in a possible escape—until it soon became unbearable.

Now, the Sarasins have everything. In possession of an impressive fortune, thanks in part to her grandfather’s successful merchant business, and aided by a few “special” connections behind the scenes, the family honour has since been restored. 

Although Arisa did not experience the hardships faced by past generations—as the prized only daughter, she never would— it did not mean she was deprived of the tales regarding their rise through the ranks. Swathed in the finest fabrics, and carefully perched on her father’s knee, she would gain a thorough understanding of how the world ticked. More-so, what exactly was needed to survive it in one piece. 

Blessed with sharp mind and sharper tongue, Arisa was widely believed to be the ideal candidate to follow in their footsteps, and embody everything that they wanted her to be. She already provided a steady foundation to work with; a willingness to learn, justifying risks as a means to achieve her goals, and a desire for better things. If anything, it was only a matter of time until she proved herself worthy enough to live up to sky high expectations—or rather, exceed it. 

And so, she did.

Who knew that a friendship forged in her youth would elevate her to greater heights? Much like the gifts her parents would proudly adorn her with, Arisa came to value the company, and later, reap all the benefits that came with it. 

Rather than venturing into the merchant route as her father had dreamt of, the position of financier was far more her liking. For one, it provided the perfect opportunity to demonstrate how grateful she was towards the duchy. Pledging her loyalty, in a sense, for accepting her into the fold and deeming her special enough to remain a part of their inner circle.

But, most importantly, Arisa was adamant no one else was capable of carrying out the role much like she could. Facts and figures were her forte; a skill undoubtedly passed from parent to child, and it was a skill she took great pride in. Each and every detail relating to Stone Garden’s finances were committed to memory, so much so the minor of discrepancies would draw her attention in an instant—or at least, prompt her to take more care when choosing to “reward” herself, so to speak, with the array of jewels at her disposal…

Whilst her focus has always been dedicated to the task at hand, and continuing to lead a life of luxury, it would be a lie to claim that she is somewhat unfazed by recent events. The political situation, once overlooked, now frequently plagues her mind as she wonders what it might mean for the kingdom, and ultimately, for her. If anyone is personally familiar with the youngest Sarasin, they would be aware that any abrupt changes will not be dealt with lightly.

To put it simply: any such upheaval should leave her out of its clutches, or by God, she vows to prove how ruthless she can truly be. 

-

“Everything.” 

Personality: 

[+] Decisive: Very rarely does Arisa dwell on a decision for longer than necessary. In a matter of seconds, she will weigh up and assess the situation for any potential risks before proceeding with what she considers appropriate. Regrets are viewed to be a hindrance, so is being torn over the ‘what ifs’. The answer is either a simple yes or no; it shouldn’t be anymore difficult than that. 

[-] Elusive: It is a feat in itself to locate Arisa to discuss matters associated with business or otherwise. She does not see a point in making herself accessible to those unworthy of her time, purposely avoiding any attempts for contact until she deems it necessary to appear. Only the trusted few may possess the means to locate her, but as for the rest? Good luck. 

[+] Confident: Through the combination of her status, as well as powerful connections, Arisa carries herself with head held high, and treads the fine line between confidence and arrogance. She does not cower in fear of the unknown, but instead, feeds off of it, knowing full well that she can and will weasel her way out unscathed.

[-] Cruel: A hereditary trait, it is said, that Arisa is capable of exceptional cruelty. By no means does she deem herself a sadist—in fact, being labelled as such will result in an unimpressed eye roll—but merely a person who does not hesitate in enforcing the consequences. Little care is given towards the pain she inflicts, but rather, if a lesson has been learned for daring to cross her or the shortlist of people she treasures. 

[the-stoned-priestess]

When is it okay to ask a psychic?

The following is of a matter of opinion. Please know this is not information of absolute certainty however something I personally witnessed...

A psychics job is to act as a living guide. We are not party favors or human Magic 8 Balls. Our sole purpose is to provide POSSIBLE OUTCOMES regarding to your most important issues. If you follow our advice ( and you should) it’s is greater possible that you will receive the outcome as prophesied. If your desired outcome isn’t reached, it is at the fault of the querant. Not the psychic.

How can this be?

The universe is never set in stone. It relies on YOUR part. It’s like making a wish. You cant just sit out and wait for your wish to come to being and hope some tall dark and handsome is going to ring your doorbell or your promotion will come without effort! You have to take action and chances you probably never would have taken! Without action there is no future. You have to know your role as the responsible key player in your destiny. You have to follow the guidance you have been given with your heart AND your head. You wont have eyes to see if you lose your head and you will not succeed in seeing your desired outcome.

DO NOT shop around for psychics.

What I mean is, don’t ask the same question to different psychics in hopes of getting to heard what you want to hear. You will be disappointed and the universe WILL respond in kind by giving you exactly what you don’t want. Law of attraction dictates, Like Attracts Like. If you spend so much time worrying about your desired outcome and then enforce desperation, it is holding a mindset of LACK and if like attracts like, you will continue to see exactly that. Again, it’s not the psychics job to change your attitude. 

Asking around using the same energy you put out can bring fourth confusing information. One psychic might say this and that but another might say something different or roughly the same. Putting out the unnecessary need to be sure is lack of faith. You have the accept the information given the first time or you will risk putting lack of faith (like lack of faith in psychics because you didn’t follow the advice) out there again for the law of attraction to present to you more reason to lack faith. What you seek, you find. Without faith, there is no future. Lack of faith is lack of esteem. Lack of esteem is lack of love. Without love, you know the deal.

What is selfish followship?

Say for example you want to attract a lover but you have to work on yourself before you can be ready for such a relationship. What a lot of people tend to do is practice what the psychic or spiritualist suggests as advice, but instead of following the advice for themselves in a healthy way, they do so with the only intent to “attract” love. This isn't how it works. Your self improvement is a serious matter. You change because you really want to and it doesn’t stop when you have gotten your soul mate/twin flame. The work you do for yourself, is so that you can give the same love you have for yourself back to your lover. An empty cup cannot and will not fill another. This is how relationships fall apart. Again, not at the fault of the psychic. You know that saying:

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink!

Doing your own inner work with the sole purpose to evolve spiritually is whats important. Going at it selfishly to stop because you got your lover or feel you don’t see the benefit means, you are selfish and therefore do not posses the right attitude to proceed and run the risk of failure. When we don’t learn from our mistakes, we repeat the process until we get it right. Think back to a time in your life when insanity played a part where you kept choosing the same situation or people in your life expecting a different result. 

Then the universe is like:

The sooner you find the pattern, the likely-hood you will get your desired outcome. But in combined to taking the advice an intuitive gives you, changes are even greater and who knows, could be better than expected.

Asking a psychic multiple questions is bad ju-ju too.

As a psychic, when I first started out, the first thing I did was go to my cards for every little thing. I’m not perfect. What I learned is that it’s no different than cheating on a test or depending on a therapist to tell you what to wear on a date. Petty things like that is unhealthy and should be recognized. Some psychics will happily take advantage of the client who also want to take advantage of the “Human Magic 8 Ball” who is charging for the help. Is it a win-win? Not exactly.... I have learned this is wrong. You have to know when to stop because it further hurts your spiritual progress on BOTH the psychic and client. I strongly feel taking money off other’s like that is bad ju-ju in return. Probably 10x on the psychic that used your weakness for financial gain. Especially if there is financial gain. A psychic should use ethics and common sense when presented with a person this way, it’s not so they can take advantage. In itself it’s a test on their ethics as well. Hopefully they learn how to cut someone off. It’s hard because I want to help but we psychics need to know when it’s helpful to a client. 

Going to a psychic for everything isn’t helpful. It’s damaging your power and self-esteem. You don’t need to cheat on the tests of your human existence on earth. Life is full of tests, tricks, twists and turns. Embrace these things! You have everything you need right there with you. Yes, I understand anxiety. But that is a problem YOU have to solve on your own without someone constantly holding your hand. If you can’t do that, you are sure to miss out on what is rightfully yours and it’s not at the fault of the psychic.

So WHEN is it okay to ask a psychic?

Like seeing a therapist, if you need guidance or to gain insight on your spiritual development, once a week is good --so that you can take a week or however long to process the information and make moves. I started once a week and eventually it fizzled down to just a few times a year on the spiritual path. But these days I will do a reading when there is spiritual information my guides need me to know that can’t be heard at the time for whatever reason. I RARELY seek guidance about my future because I don’t like knowing too much. So I wont go out of my way to cheat through life like that. It still freaks me out when a vision comes to life. You don’t want that. TRUST me! 

Not every session has to be about future love, career, relationships or finances. Need not worry about the future. It’s much better to seek help on what is happening NOW in the present. What ever future outcomes you get, always take with a grain of salt. Focus on the here and now. What is it you can do NOW. I suggest using a psychic to help you understand how and why of a situation. To gain insight on whats currently happening and what you need to change. That’s it! The possible outcome is just details. The how and why are KEYS to get you to your possible outcome! Use the keys to open the door. If you don’t use the keys, you will forever be stuck outside.

To put bluntly: 

If you put so much focus on a possible outcome, without regard to advice or spiritual work you need to do, you don’t need a psychic, you need to seek professional help. Anxiety is a serious problem. Without talking to a trusted friend or a licensed therapist, you can’t expect to see your possible outcome! Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression and people suffering should not seek advice from a psychic. If you see a therapist and hire or acquire the aid of a psychic use both to help you along your journey. But again see a psychic to help with the here and now as you would with a therapist. Future details don’t matter until you can live in the present. 

I know plenty who see a shamen, a therapist and psychiatrist. One of them is my brother and he’s made such great progress on his spiritual journey that I’m proud. He’s learned to do tarot reading and pendulum dowsing as well and respects the process by using these tools to help evolve on his unique journey. 

There are exception to every rule however, I wouldn’t focus on that in this case because it’s not helpful to anyone. 

TL;DR

You don’t need to see a psychic for every matter of your life and you don’t need to put so much focus on your desired outcome. Each possible outcome is dependent on your involvement. Lack of faith by asking numerous psychics, lack of patience by asking the same questions, and poor spiritual attitude doesn’t give you what you want and deserve. We psychics cannot make things happen. We provide the tools and it’s up to you to use them. Know when to stop seeking intuitive advice and learn how to cope with anxiety in healthy ways. Know you are powerful in your own way. You are deserving of happiness and... 

...if you truely believe it, work for it, you can and will achieve it.

Thank you for reading.

[antspaul]

happy holidays @lollercakesff !!! I wrote you a fic! I hope you enjoy it ~ and have a wonderful holiday season! 

I am posting the fic here, as well as on ao3, as it’s a little long (~10k). 

charity (who is helping who?) 

Summary: AU in which Anne is a little more poor but just as vivacious while Gilbert is a lot more wealthy and a little more cowardly. 

Based somewhat loosely on the book Daddy Long Legs, written in 1912 by Jean Webster. There’s a movie with Fred Astaire and a wonderful musical based on the book. I always thought that Jerusha, the main character, was very reminiscent of Anne. The title comes from the song “Charity” from the musical. 

PART I.

13 July 1899

Dear Ms. Shirley-Cuthbert, 

I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected to receive a full scholarship to the University of Toronto. This scholarship allows deserving young men and women invested in the arts to attend college in pursuit of strengthening their craft. You were selected on the basis of your imaginative and enjoyable writing, which the University hopes that you will pursue once on campus. 

The scholarship will cover your tuition and board for the four years it will take you to earn your Bachelor of Arts, provided to you from a very generous benefactor. There is also a small account in your name that will provide for your books. The funds in this account are stable and will not be replenished, so you are advised to spend very wisely. All additional details about your award are on the attached page.

In order to keep your scholarship, you will write your benefactor letters, at least once per month throughout your tenure at the University of Toronto, informing him of your progress, both academic and creative. Your benefactor will remain anonymous, and you may only address him as “Mr. Smith.” The address is provided below. You may use your book account to purchase postage, if necessary. 

Congratulations once again. We at the University of Toronto will see you come fall. 

Alastair Pendleton 

Director of Financial Aid and Scholarships

University of Toronto

1 September 1901

To my magnificent benefactor, 

I am sorry but I cannot address you as “Mr. Smith”, not when you have changed my life for the better in such a profound way. I can hardly believe that scarcely two months ago I was lamenting my future stuck on the farm and now I am here at the University of Toronto, ready to learn all there is to know in the world! And I have you to thank. 

Please don’t think that I’m an ungrateful child. I truly appreciate everything that everyone has done for me. Until six years ago I lived the sorrowful life of the unwanted child that I was. You see, Mr. Smith, my parents died when I was only three months old. Does knowing I’m an orphan make you think less of me? I hope it doesn’t. I imagine a man as generous and kind as you wouldn’t care. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be giving charity to poor girls such as I. 

Anyway, I lived in an orphanage, among other places, until I was thirteen and the most wonderful people in the world adopted me! Their names are Matthew and Marilla Cuthbert and they are brother and sister. I lived with them on a farm on Prince Edward Island. Have you ever been to Prince Edward Island, Mr. Smith? If you haven’t, you must go. I am quite certain it is the most breathtaking beautiful and splendid place on the planet. 

I was told when I spoke to Mr. Pendleton in person that you don’t need to know anything about my life beyond my schooling and my writing. But since I will likely be mentioning Matthew and Marilla quite frequently, I thought that I would tell you who they were. 

Will you be reading these letters? On the long train ride to Toronto, I thought long and hard about what I would do if I were a mysterious, filthy rich old man giving heaps of money to farm girls who couldn’t otherwise afford college. After a while I just gave up because I am not any of those things and could simply not put myself in your shoes. Marilla always berates me for my vanity, which leads me to think that I could not remain anonymous for very long. My opinion doesn’t matter, of course, but I do hope you read my letters. I intend to pour every speck of gratitude towards you that I possess onto these pages.

What is there left to talk about? Classes don’t start until tomorrow. I know that you wanted to know about my academics, but there isn’t any to talk about yet. I wanted to draft my first letter to you before homework became too overwhelming. Would you like to hear about my friends? My friendships certainly count as personal, but since I will mention them in the future as well, I will introduce them now. 

My best friend and roommate is Diana Barry. Oh, how to describe Diana! She is the most dearest girl in the world. I met her when I had just arrived in Avonlea and immediately recognized her as a kindred spirit. Sharing a room with Diana is a dream come true! Her parents are rigid and close-minded. Perhaps I shouldn’t have written that because they are also very rich and seem to know every other rich person in North America. I don’t mean to be harsh but I’ve seen them make her cry enough times that I think I am entitled to my opinion of them. 

Ruby Gillis is my second best friend. She’s also from Avonlea. She’s a wonderfully nice girl, maybe too nice for her own good. Ruby lacks imagination, perhaps, but sometimes an imagination as big as mine, I have found, can be a burden, as when you can imagine a beautiful future it sometimes leaves the present looking grayer than ever. 

Who else is there to mention? Jane Andrews is the only other girl from home who also got in to U of T (University of Toronto, as I’m sure you know — writing it like that gives me such a thrill!) but I doubt I’ll be seeing her much, as she’s taken residence with her aunt and uncle in town. I’ve also met some new girls and we’ve become fast friends. Their names are Priscilla Grant, Stella Maynard, and Philippa Gordon. As I have just come to know them, I can’t tell you much except I can already tell they are kindred spirits. It’s just something you feel. I feel that we are kindred spirits, too, Mr. Smith. 

I apologize if this letter has gone on too long, or if it’s not the type of letter you wanted me to send you. The letters that come from my desk usually go to someone I know very well, like my friend Cole or Diana’s Aunt Josephine. 

Oh, those are two others I’m sure to mention a lot — Cole is an artist and is the kindest, most gentle soul I have ever come across. Aunt Josephine is a rich old lady who is a sort of parent to Cole. Perhaps you know her, though when I asked Aunt Jo if she was acquainted with an old rich man who sends orphan girls to college to be writers, she said she knew of none. 

All that is to say that I don’t know who you are or what sort of person you are but I vow with all of the strength in my heart to do my very best to write these letters well. 

Until next month!

Your eternally grateful friend, 

Anne Shirley-Cuthbert

P.S.: I know you insist on remaining anonymous, but if I were to receive some sort of occasional acknowledgement that you are getting my letters, that would be more than welcome. I only thought I’d let you know. 

FROM THE DESK OF ANNE SHIRLEY-CUTHBERT

21 April 1902

To my beloved benefactor, 

 I have not been able to stop smiling all week! Priscilla tells me I look crazed, with this Cheshire grin stretching across my face but I simply can’t contain myself and it’s all because of you! I don’t know how you found out that it was my birthday last week but your gift came just in time. My handwriting has never looked more beautiful than it does underneath the words “FROM THE DESK OF ANNE SHIRLEY-CUTHBERT.” Just seeing it on my table sends a thrill down my spine knowing you so thoughtfully ordered this for me yourself. How I wish you would have sent some sort of personal note with it. I know you have never answered my questions before, no matter how many I have asked. I am sorry to tell you that you’ll just have to deal with it as I can’t help but want to know you. Can you really blame me? 

Classes are going much the same as in my last letter. I retook my geometry test and did much better, I am happy to report, due to Phil’s untiring help with studying. I even started to draft some short stories that I have been thinking about, though I find it difficult to put aside the time to write them as my studies keep me more than busy. 

Here, Mr. Smith, is where I get more personal so if you still feel obliged to ignore ramblings about my social life skip to the end of the letter now. 

As you know my birthday was last Thursday. Priscilla, Stella, Phil, Ruby, and Diana decided to surprise me and take me out for dinner! They escorted me to the most charming and expensive restaurant within five miles of our boarding house. At first I felt overwhelming unprepared and underdressed for such a formal occasion, sure that I stuck out like a sore thumb around all of the elegant ladies and gentlemen dining nearby. But soon the waiter brought out course after course of wonderful, delicious food and we were having such a pleasurable time that any insecurity slipped my mind completely. For a moment it seemed that nothing at all could tarnish such an impeccable moment!

But of course as soon as this thought entered my mind Gilbert Blythe showed up to ruin the dinner. As I have not yet mentioned Gilbert to you (that I remember, at least) here is all you need to know about him: he did something terribly humiliating to me when we first met in school at age thirteen and I have never forgiven him for it since. If he had left it at that we would be on better terms now but soon after he left Avonlea and on the few occasions we’ve seen each other since he has made a routine of offending me similarly. So as you can see why his presence at my special birthday dinner was less than welcome. 

Perhaps, had I not known what kind of person Gilbert is, it would have offended me less when he sent a bottle of wine over to our table and offered to pay for my meal. But no doubt he only intended to flaunt his wealth before us like some peacock parading its feathers! He likely thought we would struggle to afford our meal. I have no aversion to certain types of charity, Mr. Smith, as you know, but his assumptions, and that inappropriate bottle of wine, nearly had me storming out of the restaurant in a rage. Diana and Ruby calmed me down and we politely but sternly declined his offer to the waiter. I didn’t see Gilbert’s reaction but I wish I had seen the smugness drop from his face. 

It was a thoroughly exhausting affair. Emotionally, of course. 

22 April 1901

I’m sorry for the interruption. I heard Diana call for me and it sounded quite urgent— a bouquet of flowers, it turns out, had arrived at the front door and were addressed to me. Thinking they were a belated birthday gift I readily accepted them. Imagine my surprise when the note inside revealed they were from Gilbert Blythe himself! I wanted to scream from the nerve of him and throw the flowers out but they were still quite beautiful so Ruby convinced me to keep them. The note on the inside wished me a happy birthday and apologized for his impertinence on my birthday. It almost made me regret writing those harsh things about him above. Almost. 

Anyway, Mr. Smith, this is where my personal ramblings end if you don’t care to read them. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you that I spoke to one of the instructors here about my stories and she said they sounded promising and recommended that I submit one to the University literary journal! I might get published before the end of the term, if all goes well! If you care to read my work, I’ve attached the first four pages of a recent story to this letter. 

Yours, 

19 year-old Anne Shirley-Cuthbert, soon-to-be published author

FROM THE DESK OF ANNE SHIRLEY-CUTHBERT

5 February 1902

To my dear but frustratingly mysterious benefactor, 

Can you believe it’s been a year and a half since I found out that you had selected me for the scholarship? I can’t. Since this letter will likely be incredibly short (examinations are upon us and will start soon, so I have little time to write) I wanted to start this letter by offering my undying thanks to you. So here it is: thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! And I’m so horribly mortified that I wrote to you in the manner that I did in my January letter. At the time I felt horribly unsympathetic to the wealthy and took out my frustrations on you. I wish every wealthy person were as kind as you. I suppose I really don’t know how kind you are but something tells me you are wonderfully nice. 

Classes here are going well. I’ve said it before but I love being a sophomore! I finally feel like I truly belong at the University of Toronto. As much as I love Avonlea— have you visited yet? — I’m equally glad to be exploring the world on my own. As stressful as exams are, I love being at school. Even though I’ve been to only a few places in my life living in a city as large as Toronto makes each new day an adventure. I could explore this city for years and still find new nooks and crannies. 

Since time is running short, here are several quick updates: 

Ruby is still considering dropping out. Diana and I desperately try everyday to convince her not to, but our pleas seem to have done nothing to change her mind. It will be sad but not totally unsurprising to see her leave. 

Ever since Aunt Josephine intervened with Diana’s parents, she has more confidently pursued her music. If you’re ever interested in hearing beautiful songs played on the piano then she plays a concert once a month. You could come and I wouldn’t even know you were there! It would be worth it, I promise. 

Stella, Phil, and Priscilla are doing fine as well! Priscilla gets herself into trouble for pulling pranks on our new house matron, but scoldings never seem to bother her. Beautiful Philippa frustratingly has no shortage of suitors willing to do anything for her. It’s maddening in a funny sort of way to watch them trip over themselves to impress her as she pays them barely any notice at all. 

What else? I have started to write for the newspaper! Just as I did in school. I will put in the envelope my very first story. It’s only a little book review but seeing my name in print gives me the same thrill as it did last spring when my story was published. I hope this time my writing will be met with less harsh criticism. 

Well, that’s all I can think of to say today. I’ll try to send a longer letter next week if I can. 

Faithfully, 

Anne Shirley-Cuthbert

P.S. I forgot to ask— if it isn’t too much trouble could you send me more stationery? I’m almost out of the paper that you sent me for my birthday. 

FROM THE DESK OF ANNE SHIRLEY-CUTHBERT

10 May 1903

My deeply appreciated benefactor, 

I deeply apologize for the time it took me to write you this letter. I'm also sorry for how many of my letters start out with an apology. I realize it's been more than a month since I sent my last correspondence. Can it be called correspondence if you never write back? You've sent me gifts, which I cherish with all of my soul, but never once have you sent me a single word back. After three years you'd think I would just resign myself to the fact that all you'll ever be to me is a mystery shrouded in enigma, albeit one I'm relentlessly grateful for. But if you know anything about me by now, Mr. Smith, as you should if you've read any of my letters, is that I am as stubborn as a mule. Every person I've ever worked for or belonged to has said as much. 

As I wrote that above paragraph I've realized that some of my words to you could be considered rude. Would you mind terribly if I apologized again? It's just that this week has been one of the worst I have ever experienced. May I tell you about it? I suppose one of the good things about never hearing back from you is that you will never tell me I can't. 

As I write this it's Friday, and the dreadfulness started Monday. What makes everything seem worse is that the weekend was so wonderful. Ruby came for a visit, sporting gifts for all of us from her and Moody's recent visit to America. Seeing her glowing face (I think she may be expecting but if she is, I doubt she knows herself) and hearing about how happy she and her new husband are softened the blow of her departure from school last year and everyone had a delightful time. Then she boarded the train back to the Maritimes Monday morning and everything seemed to put on a shade of gray. 

For the rest of the day both me and Diana were terribly irritable in our sadness to see her go. Our crossness culminated that night when Diana and I had a horrible argument. I can barely recall how it started— I think that I made some offhand comment disparaging Gilbert and she jumped to his rescue, and everything devolved from there. We were shouting horrible things at each other that should never be said out loud, things we didn't truly mean but hurt regardless. We haven't spoken since and though I know we are both regretful I don't know how to approach her and I think she feels the same. Our friendship isn't over, at least, but I yearn for normalcy. Concentrating in class has proved near impossible, even in the classes Diana and I don't share, because I'm so distracted by my guilt and shame. 

To make matters worse, yesterday I checked my mail at the post office and what would be there but not one, but TWO rejection letters from literary magazines. I was reading them up in a secluded tree behind the library, thinking I was alone. The first was firm but polite in their rejection. We regret to inform you that we will not be accepting your work at this time, but please submit more work in the future. The kind of dismissal that comes with an impermanent sting. The next, however, was clearly more personal. The letter described my writing as infantile, superfluous, and shallow— I starting crying on the spot. In my twenty-one years of life, I've been on the receiving end of much harsh criticism, coming from my peers, my teachers, even those I considered my friends. I often turned to writing as a way of comfort and solace in those moments. The thought that I wasn't even good at my one talent was too much to bear. So in my privacy I sobbed harder than I had in years. 

But apparently my spot in the tree was not as concealed as I originally thought. Just as I was about to collect myself and climb down, I heard a man clear his throat and call up to me, "Miss, are you alright?"

I looked down and almost fell off the branch as I realized who it was. "Gilbert?" I exclaimed. 

He looked surprised to see me, a wonder since that day I wore a bright yellow dress and my hair is as red as ever. "What are you doing up there?" he asked me, knitting his eyebrows together in that infuriating way he always does. "Have you been... crying?"

I shook my head but I'm sure it did nothing to hide my frazzled state. 

"Do you need help coming down from there?"

"No," I said but he offered me a hand anyway and I accepted it. 

As I brushed the leaves and bark from my skirt he asked me, "Would you like a cup of tea?"

My meltdown had caused me to miss lunch so I accepted. At the tea house, he as always volunteered to pay for everything which I found frustrating but I've gotten more used to Gilbert over the years.

We talked idly for a while. I asked him about his classes. He's a medical student, did I tell you that? Not in medical school yet, but in a pre-medical program. With all of his money, I don't know why he needs a career but I suppose you have to do something to fill your days. Anyway, I knew this term he's had a number of terribly strenuous courses and I was curious how he was handling them. Everything was going well, he said but didn't appear that interested in talking about himself. 

"Do you want to talk about why you were so upset earlier?" he asked me suddenly. "I would understand if you don't, of course, but perhaps if you told someone you'd... feel better."

I sighed and pulled the letters from my pocket, handing them over to him. He scanned them quickly, raising his eyebrows. 

"Wow," he said once he finished reading. "How could they be so..."

"Blunt?" 

"Wrong," he finished. "These people clearly know nothing. "

I was a bit nonplussed at his reaction. "I should have worked harder on the stories, instead of rushing to send them in. I'm more angry at myself than at those who rejected me."

Gilbert shook his head. "Your work is far from shallow, Anne. If you wrote it, then I'm sure it was amazing." He scoffed at the letter. 

“I didn’t know you had read any of my writing,” I said. 

“I read your articles in the newspaper,” he was quick to reply. 

“Oh. Well, I wouldn’t judge my writing on those little book reviews in the newspaper.”

“No— I meant the newspaper back home. In Avonlea. Bash would send them to me here, and I always loved what you wrote. Everything you wrote carried so much meaning. That stuck with me.”

"Well, thank you, Gilbert," was all I really could say. I felt a strange burst of affection towards him at that moment and it struck me that we are truly friends. Close friends, as close as I am to Priscilla, Phil, and Stella. 

Gilbert has changed these last few years, too. It's the strangest thing. When I first met him and he was a boy of fifteen, he was much like every other boy I met back then— confident, rowdy, foolhardy. Then his father died and on the rare occasion he came back to Avonlea, he seemed to have retreated into himself. We blamed it on the grief and all of the money he came into with his father's inheritance (and, reportedly, that of a wealthy aunt). But recently traces of the old Gilbert, the one who defended me from Billy Andrews and called me Carrots, have resurfaced. I don't know really how I feel about all that. I just know that I was incredibly thankful to have him as a friend yesterday in the tea house. 

Anyways, I know that all of that might have been too personal. I'll stop myself now as I hear Diana coming up the stairs and writing this letter has motivated me to mend things with her. I’ll write more to you in a few days with updates on my courses and all of that (everything is well, don’t worry) but I simply wanted to tell someone. 

Thankful as always, 

Anne Shirley-Cuthbert

P.S. It’s Saturday now and Diana and I are on good terms again. I showed her the letters and she too thought they were preposterous. Diana has read the stories I sent in and liked them a lot. Because of her confidence and my talk with Gilbert on Thursday I’ve decided to send you one of my stories. I know you at least like my writing so perhaps someone will enjoy them. 

PART II.

“It still doesn’t feel real,” Anne told Diana as they walked, arm-in-arm, through the front doors of the lecture hall. “Can you believe that it was three years ago that we first walked into this building for our first class?”

“We were terrified, if I recall,” said Diana. “Look at us now— tall, beautiful, intimidating senior girls!” She struck a pose, silly and exaggerated and the two dissolved into giggles. 

They found seats, two right next to each other near the front of the room. Twenty minutes early as they liked to be to every class on the first day, only a few other students had yet arrived. 

“I remember being frightened of the older girls when I was a freshman,” Anne said, pulling out her notebook and pen and placing them squarely on the table in front of her. “Now that I am one, I don’t know what there was to be frightened of. I scarcely feel older than I did back then.”

“Do you think that there will be many lower-years in this class?” asked Diana. 

“I don’t know. If this course was offered my first term here, I would have stopped at nothing to take it.” Anne breathed out dreamily. “To think we’ll be studying only contemporary women writers— this is exactly the kind of course I envisioned taking when I first thought about going to college.” 

“It’s too bad that the others couldn’t fit this into their timetables.”

Anne sighed. “Such is the busy life of a senior. Everyone says that we’ll have loads and loads more coursework this term but I think that I’ll hardly notice if the extra work is something I enjoy. Don’t you agree?”

Diana nodded firmly, and the room started to fill up with other students, mostly girls but a few boys showed up as well. Their instructor, the soft spoken but kind Professor Abbott, arrived five minutes prior to the class’s scheduled start time. He walked through the front door, trailed by none other than Gilbert Blythe, and the two seemed to be engaged in conversation. As they approached the chalkboard and instructor’s desk, Gilbert thanked the man and they shook hands before Gilbert left him. 

“Hello Anne, hello Diana,” Gilbert said, standing in front of their table. “May I sit next to you?”

One of the only free seats in the room was right next to Anne, so she nodded, then asked, “You’re in this class?” 

Gilbert sat down. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

Diana gently elbowed Anne for her rudeness. “We’ll be glad to see you at least twice a week now,” Diana said. “Last term we could barely catch a glimpse of you once a month.”

He chuckled. “Yes, the medical faculty keeps us quite busy. If this is how rigorous pre-medical program is, I can’t even begin to imagine the real thing.”

“You’ll get used to it, I’m sure,” Diana said. 

“I have no choice,” replied Gilbert, sardonic but Anne could tell he was in a good mood. 

Up front, Prof. Abbott ordered a red-faced sophomore boy to hand out papers with the reading list. He had prepared one paper for every three students, so Anne, Diana, and Gilbert shared a paper.

“Oh no!” Anne exclaimed as she read one title on the list. 

“What happened?” asked Diana. 

“I forgot to bring a book with me from home. This one here— Elizabeth and Her German Garden— I read it last summer and meant to bring my copy from home so I didn’t have to purchase another. But now I realize that I forgot to pack it, and we’re reading it next week.”

“Don’t despair, Anne, you can borrow mine when I’m done reading the assigned sections,” offered Diana. 

Gilbert cleared his throat. “Actually, I happen to have an extra copy, if you wanted it, Anne.”

Anne perked up. “Really? Thank you, Gilbert!”

After class ended, Gilbert and Anne said goodbye to Diana and started the walk to Gilbert’s nearby apartment. Gilbert leading Anne, they reached his street only a few minutes later, as Gilbert lived only a street or two away from the main campus of the University of Toronto. The houses that lined the road embodied wealth and luxury. Though she had never been there, Anne knew that Gilbert lived in a small but ridiculously comfortable apartment at the top of one of these red bricked buildings. 

She had never been on his street, either, but still the name— Sherbourne Street— felt familiar. As the two ascending the stairs of Gilbert’s building, Anne realized why: somewhere on the street, among its seven miles of fancy house after fancy house, live Anne’s mysterious benefactor. 

Anne laughed out loud. 

Gilbert turned around and threw up an inquisitive eyebrow. “Is something funny?”

“Oh, nothing,” said Anne. “It’s only that the world of the rich is so remarkably tiny, don’t you agree?”

“I suppose so,” answered Gilbert. “Why do you say that?”

They reached the top step and Gilbert pulled out his key to open his door. 

Anne told him, “I’ve realized that you live on the same street as someone I know.”

Gilbert paused, his key only halfway in the lock. “Oh? Who?”

“Well, I’ve never met him. This might sound strange, but he’s— are you going to open the door or not, Gilbert?”

“Oh. Sorry.” Gilbert let them in. “You were saying?”

“He’s an old rich man who’s been paying for my education. I’ve never seen him in person, you see, but I’ve written him letters for the last three years so I feel like I know him quite well.”

Anne followed Gilbert through his apartment, which was quite larger than it appeared on the outside, until they ended up in a large library room with a fireplace and massive chairs with vast, soft-looking cushions. It was exactly the kind of library Anne yearned to possess herself, where she could sit with a warm cup of tea on a cold winter’s day. 

“The book is over here,” Gilbert said, pointing to a shelf and directing her there. “So… your… old man has written you back often, then?”

“Well, not exactly. But I believe that you don’t have to know a person to know them.”

“That doesn’t make much sense at all, Anne.”

She pouted. “Never mind then. Maybe it isn’t meant to be understood by anyone else but me.”

He laughed, then, a soft chuckle that surprised Anne in its clarity. He pulled a book off the shelf. “Here it is,” he said, handing over his copy of Elizabeth and Her German Garden. 

As Anne took it graciously, she couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t have another copy on the shelf but decided not to mention it. 

~

The rest of the course was as enjoyable as Anne and Diana had hoped. Tuesday morning before class often brought Anne, Diana, and Gilbert together to a nearby tea house to eat lunch and discuss the week's readings. Anne looked forward to their meeting more than almost anything else. Gilbert seemed to appreciate the literature as much as Anne and Diana, even though the books were by women. He was able to offer both a male and medical opinion, the latter of which being particularly valued in their discussion of The Yellow Wallpaper. Both Anne and Diana thought his enjoyment curious, but their instructor was also a man after all. It wasn't so strange, and to have a man appreciating the words of a woman rather than the other way around was empowering to Anne as a writer herself. 

Anne had never seen Gilbert so relaxed as he was during their Tuesday morning book discussions. Usually, in most other occasions when their paths crossed, Gilbert always seemed to be in such a rush, stressed out about business, or class, or some other small thing. Anne had always felt sad for him because of this, but to see him truly at ease painted him in a different light in her mind. His presence became something welcome, more soothing than it had ever been. She had realized they were good friends less than a year ago, and she wondered if Gilbert's father had never died, if business had never kept him away from Avonlea, they would be as good of friends today. 

The term flew quicker than Anne had anticipated, as it was want to do, and soon Christmas was over and exam season was upon them. Anne barely caught sight any of her friends for those two weeks, as everyone boarded themselves in their rooms to study and write essays. The only person Anne saw with any sort of regularity was Diana, which only happened because the two shared a room. 

The Monday of the second exam week, Anne and Diana decided to take a much-deserved break, going for a stroll in a nearby park to clear their minds. 

"Have you seen Gilbert lately?" Anne asked Diana. 

"No," said Diana. "I imagine he is incredibly busy with his own exams. Studying for our exams is hard enough. Can you even imagine what his must be like?"

Anne shuddered. "I would rather not. While I find the human body and all its functions endlessly fascinating, I've caught a glimpse of his more complicated textbooks. I won't be joining the pre-medical program any time soon."

"At the very least, we'll see him at the exam for women's literature," said Diana. 

But when the day came, Gilbert did not show up. Diana and Anne showed up their usual twenty minutes early, expecting to see their friend, but he was nowhere to be seen. 

As the minutes to the exam's start passed, Anne became nervous for her friend. She rose from her chair and said to Professor Abbott, who was seconds away from starting the test, "Excuse me, sir, but shouldn't we wait until Gilbert is here?"

Professor Abbott fixed her with an odd look. "Mr. Blythe won't be sitting the exam."

Had something happened? Had Gilbert dropped the course last-minute? That couldn't be right. He had attended every class. 

Anne badly wanted to ask why, worried about her friend, but Professor Abbott gave her no room to do so, starting to read the instructions for their timed essay. She wrote a fine essay, though it took her longer than it would have had she not been so distracted by the empty spot next to her. When the exam finished, Anne wasted not a second to ask her instructor what he had meant. 

"Mr. Blythe was only auditing the course," was his answer. "Therefore, he did not have to take the exam. I thought you knew that, him being your beau." 

Heat rushed to her face. A younger Anne might have argued that Gilbert was not her beau in the least, but today she thanked him and left with Diana. 

On their walk home, Anne clung to Diana's arm and asked, "It seems very strange that Gilbert would audit a course." 

"It's not so strange," replied Diana. "Gilbert has always been interested in literature, and likely wanted an excuse to read more without having another exam to prepare for."

"Why do you think he didn't tell us?" asked Anne. 

Diana peered at her, a curious glint in her eyes. "I have a suspicion." 

When Diana didn't elaborate immediately, Anne stopped them in the middle of the walkway. A disgruntled set of girls behind them rolled their eyes to wind around them. 

"What is it?"

With a small grin, Diana answered, "I think Gilbert took the class because of you."

"Me?!" Anne said incredulously. "Why would Gilbert do that?"

"You really don't know?" 

"Know what? What is there to know?"

"Never mind," Diana said slyly, pulling them back into motion. 

"Diana, quit messing with my head and tell me." 

Diana laughed. "Are you saying that you really don't see the way he looks at you? He obviously loves you."

Anne didn't say anything, trying to wrap her mind around Diana's words. 

Sighing, Diana continued, "If you don't believe me, just ask him yourself."

Anne huffed, confused at her irritation. "I think I will."

It took a few days to pin down Gilbert, as his exams kept him busy and occupied at the few moments he was usually reliably free. But finally Anne managed to catch him at their favorite tea house, reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee, and sat down without invitation. 

Gilbert looked surprised to see her there. "Anne, hello." He folded his newspaper and set it down in front of him. "Not that you're unwelcome, but what are you doing here?"

"Stella said she saw you here," Anne said.

"Oh," said Gilbert. "Well, do you want something? On me, of course."

"No. Actually, I have a question. An important question. Well, maybe it's not so important, but it could be. Depending on your answer."

"Anne— just... ask the question."

Gilbert looked a little nervous himself, shifting in his chair. 

Anne took a breath. "Right. Sorry. I was only wondering... why did you take the Women Authors course?"

"Oh." He was quiet for a moment and Anne studied his face. "Well, I wanted to educate myself, I suppose, about literature written by women. I felt I didn't know much about the subject."

Unsatisfied, Anne shot back, "You decided to take an extra class for no reason in your last year of the pre-medical program?"

"I wanted to read something other than dry medical books. I'm sorry... did you want another answer?"

Anne sighed and stood up, more dejected than she thought she'd be. "No. I was just being silly. I'm sorry for bothering you, Gilbert. I should go."

"You don't have to."

"No, I should. I have a letter to write."

~

FROM THE DESK OF ANNE SHIRLEY-CUTHBERT

1 May 1904 

Dear Mr. Smith, 

It felt right to address you in a more formal manner today because we have formal matters to discuss. As I graduate in three weeks, I imagine that this will be my last letter to you for some time. Don’t worry, I intend to tell you as soon as something big happens with my writing. You’ll be the first to know, before Marilla or Matthew or even Diana. I could never forget that you are the reason I was able to go to school and reach my full potential. Because of you, I’m not stuck at Green Gables, shoveling hay alongside Jerry or teaching at the small Avonlea school house and never seeing the world for the rest of my life. 

You’ve already given me so much, Mr. Smith, and it doesn’t feel right to ask for more but I can’t help it. It would feel even less right to graduate without you in the audience, watching me. 

Say you’ll come, won’t you? I know you wish to remain anonymous. Your decision to hide your identity has been my constant turmoil for the last four years and I don’t think I could bear to go out into the world without putting a face and a name to the man who has changed my life completely. 

Please don’t be afraid that you’ll disappoint me. Is it presumptuous to tell you that? For all I know, you don’t care about me one bit and haven’t read a single one of my many, many letters. But if you have, and if you have found any meaning in them at all, please tell me you’ll come. I already love you with all my heart. 

If you are brave enough to come, I have included in this envelope the invitation. Matthew and Marilla regrettably can’t make it so if you come, you’ll be the only one there specifically for me. If you aren’t, then I’ll try to forgive you. I’m not sure I’ll be able to, but I’ll really, really try. 

Hoping to see you soon, 

Anne Shirley-Cuthbert

~

“Perhaps he’s running late.”

Anne slumped against the stage wall. “There’s no use. He isn't coming." 

Diana pulled back an inch of the stage's curtain once more. She must have seen the same empty seat as before, as she said, "I'm very sorry, Anne."

"What are you two up to?" 

Anne and Diana turned to see Gilbert, dressed in the same black and white graduation robes as them. 

"We're trying to see if Anne's benefactor has shown up," Diana informed him.

Gilbert adopted a pained expression, a crease forming between his eyebrows. "No luck so far, then?"

"The ceremony starts in five minutes," said Anne miserably. "He isn't coming. I don't know why I expected any different. I've written him for four years with barely any response. I'm a fool for thinking today would be any different."

Diana crouched next to her, placing a reassuring hand on her back. "You're not a fool, Anne."

"Perhaps he got called away on urgent business," said Gilbert, with a tone perhaps meant to be reassuring but that came out with a slight irritation. "You never know."

"He's a coward," Anne declared, crossing her arms. "He never cared about me at all."

"You can't possibly know that," Gilbert said. 

"Yes, I can. I can just feel it."

Gilbert infuriatingly pointed out, "Just last month you could feel that he was a kindred spirit."

"Would you stop taking his side?" 

"I'm not taking his side," Gilbert insisted. "But perhaps your day wouldn't be ruined if you tried to consider things from his perspective—" 

"I'm glad to graduate. Then I can finally wash my hands of rich men trying to control my life!"

Gilbert was quiet for a moment. "Is that all you think of me? Just another rich man controlling your life?"

Anne huffed but before she could respond, the professor organizing students called for graduates with B last names. 

Diana stood up next to Anne. "We should probably go line up, Gilbert." 

As they walked away, Diana turned around to shake her head at the other girl, sympathetic but disapproving, a look Anne had been on the receiving end of many times over their nine years of friendship. 

Anne tried to compose herself after that, tried to still enjoy the moment she had anticipated for all her life. But as she walked across the stage, she couldn't stop her eyes from stinging or her heart from aching. 

~

After the ceremony, the University arranged for a banquet of sorts for the recent graduates and their families. When picturing the moment in her head in the weeks prior, Anne had imagined her and her benefactor, who showed up perfectly on time for her graduation and had instantly turned into a grandfather of sorts, walking arm and arm through the crowd so she could introduce him to all of the people she had mentioned in her letters over the years. But in the face of the actual thing without any new friend or grandfather figure, Anne wished to skip the ordeal altogether. 

Still, she had watched the graduations of other students older than her with jealousy for three years, anticipating her own shining moment. So Anne changed out of her robes, put on the new dress Marilla sent her as an apology for not being able to attend, a beautiful, soft blue thing, and resolved to enjoy herself. If she had to avoid Gilbert, then so be it. 

Anne, Diana, and Diana's family sat at a large table under the largest white tent that Anne had ever seen. The sunset cast a pink and orange glow about everything and the faintest chill of evening air had begun to take hold, bringing a divine atmosphere to the banquet. Anne had almost started to relax when Gilbert approached their table. He had something in his hand which he seemed insistent on hiding behind his back.  

He first greeted the Barrys, who always loved Gilbert Blythe, and then turned to Anne. "I was wondering if we could talk." 

Anne swallowed and nodded. Gilbert led her to a bench under a tree, away from the crowds of people. 

"Look, Gilbert, if this is about earlier today, before the ceremony..." Anne was quick to say, "I'm sorry. Really, I am. I had a horrible moment and ruined the day for you, too."

Gilbert shook his head. "I was trying to comfort you, but I only made things worse. And truly I am sorry that you were disappointed so sorely today."

"You aren't to blame," Anne told him. "It's Mr. Smith that I'm the most angry with."

"Right." He cleared his throat. "Well, I didn't bring you here to apologize. I mean not just to apologize. I mean— these are for you."

He held out a bouquet of flowers, beautiful pink camellias, which Anne only now noticed were the object he hid behind his back. 

"Oh, Gilbert, these are beautiful," she told him, eagerly taking the bouquet from his hands. "This is the most lovely apology I've ever received."

Gilbert looked down, a small smile forming on his mouth. "It's not just an apology. It's also a thank you." Then he looked at her, the smile growing to fullness. "You don't know how... valuable your companionship has been these last four years."

Heat rushed to Anne's cheeks as she thought of her reprehensible behavior towards Gilbert the first few years of her time at the University of Toronto. "Even after how horribly I treated you freshman and sophomore year?"

"I probably deserved that," Gilbert said, laughing. "After I left Avonlea, I barely spent any time with people my own age who didn't own at least three homes. I'm afraid I often forgot to act around normal people."

"Still, I could have been a little less harsh." 

"Perhaps that's true."

"So I'm a normal person, then?"

"You're anything but, Anne Shirley-Cuthbert." 

They were quiet for a moment. The wind rustled the leaves of the tree above them as the final few rays of sun sunk below the horizon. 

Suddenly, Anne had to ask a question with an urgency that surprised her. "Gilbert," she said. "This isn't a goodbye, is it?"

He looked at her in surprise. "No. Never." 

"Oh. Good," Anne said, relieved. 

Gilbert looked like he was about to say something, but at that moment a little girl with light brown skin and curly black hair ran up to him. She couldn't have been more than four. He laughed, picking the little girl up.

"Who is this?" asked Anne, not thinking about how disappointed she felt in that moment. 

"This is Delly, my friend's daughter," Gilbert said. He stood up and sighed. "I should probably get her back to her family."

Anne stood up as well. "Yes, probably." 

He walked a few steps away before turning around. Again, he looked like he wanted to say something. Instead, he picked up Anne's hand with his free one and kissed it. "I'm really proud of you, Anne."

Her heart beating loudly in her ears prevented her from making any response, and she was only able to watch him walk away, back to the crowds of people, as she tried to reckon with her own feelings. 

~

A | S | C

1 June, 1904

To my forgiven benefactor, 

I know I said that the last letter would be the last letter. I had thought that because I had imagined the last week would go a lot differently than it has. 

If you had come to my graduation, there would have been no reason to continue sending letters in this manner. As I intend to stay in Toronto for the foreseeable future, I had pictured us having tea once a week and discussing books and my writing and the weather or any number of other things. But, as we both know, you did not attend. Before it happened, I had thought that I could never forgive your absence. I know I said that I would try but I was already certain that I wouldn't be able to forgive you. But I have surprised even myself. 

I have realized that I don't know you at all, Mr. Smith, and have made my peace with this. I didn't come to this conclusion easily, that much is certain. I haven't the faintest idea why you never wanted to write back to me, or why you didn't come to my graduation. Perhaps you were busy. Perhaps you have not read a single letter I've sent. Perhaps you were as scared to meet me as I was to meet you. Whatever the reason, I'm afraid I have lost sight of everything you've given me. If our relationship, however one-sided it is, ends with scorn, then every time I think about University and all of the opportunities it has afforded me I would have to think about my anger. A younger Anne would have been content to live that life, but I certainly am not. So there you are, Mr. Smith. This young, foolish girl forgives you. 

I've only now realized how valuable writing these letters has been for my personal development. You are my closest confidant. You know things about me that even Diana doesn't know, which is saying a lot. Had you responded, then I doubt that I would have been as honest as I was. If you'll allow me to be honest one more time, I have quite the dilemma. You see, these letters have allowed me to sort through confusing feelings and I feel more confused right now than I had ever been. 

You see, Mr. Smith, I think I am in love. I wish you could help me. I could use some wisdom right now. As much as I have longed to be in love my whole life, I never thought to think about what it would actually be like. 

When I'm with him, time doesn't exist anymore. And then he leaves, I'm aware of how quickly time passes by and I want to sob. I want to share everything there is. I want him to be there in the morning when I make porridge and I want to be there with him when he's doing the most boring business possible. Every time I read a good book, or think a funny thought, I wish he was next to me so I can tell him about it. At night I hate the moonlight because it's beautiful and he isn't here to see it with me. Do you understand what I mean? I really, really hope that you do. I think anyone who has ever been in love would understand. 

Here is my problem and the source of my anguish: the man I am in love with is Gilbert Blythe. This may come as a shock to you, since I have frequently spoken ill of him in my letters. For this very reason, I am afraid I preemptively damaged my relationship with him permanently. We have since become close friends, but how could he forget how horrid I was to him, enough to love me back? I'm sure he'll also want to be with a distinguished woman from wealth, like that beautiful Winifred Rose I spotted him walking arm-in-arm with last February. I will forever be the red headed orphan girl who slapped him with a slate when I was thirteen. 

I know you won't respond, but I still have to ask you. What do you think I should do? If you could just read this letter and think your answer really, really hard then I am certain I will feel better. 

I will miss writing these letters and I will miss you, Mr. Smith. I will continue to think of you every day of my life. 

Sending you all the love in my heart, 

Anne Shirley-Cuthbert

P.S. In this envelope I have included my final transcripts as well as a check for $100. The check is not for much compared to all that you've given me but it's a start and I intend to pay you back every penny that you have spent on me. I received a small sum of money for a short story that will be published soon, and it's a start. 

P.P.S. Did you notice my new stationery? I bought it myself also with the money from the advance. 

A | S | C

6 June 1904

Dear Mr. Smith, 

YES! I will be there— Saturday at noon. I can’t believe that I am finally going to meet you. It doesn’t feel real. 

Love, love, love, 

Anne

~

Once Anne arrived at the address told to her by Mr. Smith, she recognized the building as the tea place she, Diana, and Gilbert went to nearly twice a week during the Fall term. Had her and her benefactor ever been there at the same time? Had they ever crossed paths before, said hello to each other on the street without knowing each others' identity? For the first time in nearly four years, how close they lived to each other truly struck Anne. She knew he lived in Toronto, even knew what street he lived on thanks to the return address on the stationery he sent her every birthday. But they knew about the same businesses, ate at the same places! 

All that time being so close and yet he still never made an effort to visit. Anne wondered if she would come to regret her choice to meet Mr. Smith here today. But she was too curious and had come so far. So she pushed her shoulders back in resolve and entered the tea house with as much confidence as she could muster. 

A waiter in a nice blue jacket greeted her immediately. 

"I'm here to meet with Mr. Smith," she told him.

Comprehension bloomed on the waiter's face. "You must be Ms. Shirley, then. Follow me."

He escorted her past large rooms with tables full of people eating lunch, past the kitchen door, past the restrooms, to a private tea room with a large window facing the park across the street. A large table sat in front of the window, meant to accommodate a large party of people. A single figure stood in the window, a silhouette in the face of the bright sunlight that streamed inside. This was it. She would finally meet her benefactor. Anne's heart stopped as the man slowly turned around. Only, when he did, he wasn't Mr. Smith. He wasn't even an old man. 

He was Gilbert Blythe. 

"Gilbert?" Anne cried. "What are you doing here? 

"Hello, Anne." He swallowed visibly. 

"You must leave now. I'm meeting someone very important and undoubtedly he'll be here soon, so if you could—"

"I know," Gilbert said. 

"If you know, then you know why you must leave," Anne told him, irritation setting him. She approached him to try and push him towards the door. "How you could possibly know is another thing. Did Diana tell you? I told her not to tell anyone."

"No, Anne—" He paused, firm in his footing and grabbed her gently by the shoulders. "I know why you're here because you're here to see me. I sent you that letter."

"Did you impersonate Mr. Smith?" 

"No, what I'm trying to tell you is..." he dropped his hands from her shoulders and moved one to scratch at the back of his head. "I couldn't impersonate Mr. Smith. Because he's me."

Well. Anne wasn't expecting that. She stopped in her tracks, mouth agape. 

"Please, say something," Gilbert begged, a tremor to his voice. 

"You?" was all that she could get out. 

"You're Mr. Smith." 

Blood rushed to Anne's face and she felt her heart and breath speed up dangerously. She grasped the back of a chair, tightly clutching the wood. 

Gilbert pulled out another chair. "Perhaps you should sit down." 

She did take a seat, but it wasn't the one he offered. "You're my mysterious, anonymous benefactor."

He gave a feeble laugh. "One in the same." 

"I don't understand. How can you be Mr. Smith? You're not even old."

Sitting next to her, Gilbert said, "I never understood why you always wrote about my old age. I certainly never said that." 

"Rich men who give orphan girls enormous scholarships are old. That just makes sense," Anne told him, nearing hysteria. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "They aren't pre-medical students I hit with a slate when I was thirteen!" 

"I owe you an explanation. That's why I—"

Anne's hands flew to her mouth in shock. "My goodness, the letters! Every horrible thing in the world about you I wrote in those letters!"

"You said a lot of things to me in person, too," Gilbert pointed out dryly.

"That's different! I didn't know I was insulting my benefactor to his face!" If it were possible, Anne felt her face growing even warmer. She surely looked like a tomato, with her face red enough to match her hair. "And you read my letters?"

"Every single one. They were the best part of my month."

"Every single one?" Anne echoed. "I suppose there's no hope that you skipped the last one, then?"

"I meant every one." 

She buried her face into the table. "If Mr. Smith had been my matron from the orphanage, it would have been easier to take."

He patted her back awkwardly. "Well, I'm not so bad, am I?"

Anne wanted to scream, taking a deep breath to avoid doing so. "Could you just promise to forget about the last letter and never mention it ever again?"

"I'm afraid I could never do that, Anne." 

"And why not?"

"Well, I— I just couldn't." 

"Why would you do this, Gilbert? I can't wrap my mind around it. I just don't understand."

Leaning back in his chair, Gilbert paused a moment before saying, "You wouldn't have let me pay for your education any other way."

"You still should have asked."

"Maybe so," Gilbert said. "But come on, Anne, I've known how stubborn you are since we were kids. I had the bruises to prove it. And when I heard that you had been accepted into the U of T but couldn't go because of money, well, I had to help."

"But why me?" Anne asked him. 

"You deserved it. And, well, maybe I was selfish."

"Selfish?"

He took a deep breath. "Maybe because I knew I was also going to Toronto. And maybe I wanted you there, too."

Anne didn't know at all how to respond to that. Her mind raced, replaying every moment they shared over the last few years. How her benefactor happened to know her birthday, when Gilbert had bumped into her at her own birthday party. How her benefactor didn't come to her graduation, when Gilbert was graduating himself. They even lived on the same street. Of course Gilbert was her benefactor. It made sense. 

"Why did you agree to meet now? Why not before?"

Gilbert exhaled loudly. "You don't know how many times I almost told you, or how many letters I started to draft but threw away before I could. I didn't know if I should be Mr. Smith telling you I'm Gilbert, or if I should be Gilbert telling you I'm Mr. Smith."

"Mr. Smith doesn't exist," she said. 

That made Gilbert go quiet. "I suppose he's not," he said finally. "Are you terribly mad at me?"

Anne sighed. "You lied to me and betrayed my trust for four years. I don't know how I could ever forget that."

"And yet?"

"And yet..." Anne was surprised to feel a smile forming and at last she laughed. "It's you, it's really you."

Hope or something like it bloomed on Gilbert's face. He grabbed her hand.

Anne told him, "You never answered my question."

Gilbert took a shaky breath. "Because," he said, "When I read your last letter, I realized you needed to know everything before I did this."

"Did what?" she asked, but she knew he was already leaning in. 

Gilbert kissed Anne, and while Anne had imagined her first kiss much more chaste, she put all of the emotions she felt into it. When they pulled back, Gilbert had a goofy grin adoring his mouth that she was sure matched her own. 

"Anne," he said urgently. "I love you."

"I'd tell you the same," she said, "but something tells me you already know."

~

YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED 

TO THE WEDDING OF 

ANNE SHIRLEY-CUTHBERT

and

GILBERT BLYTHE

Saturday, October 4, 1904

3 o’clock in the afternoon

At the St. Andrew’s Church

Toronto, Ontario

Reception to follow.

 / fin

[mentalillnessmouse]

(p1) Hi, I'm writing because I feel there is no hope for me. I'm 30, I live at home where I get verbally mistreated (it was physical when I was younger.) I'm morbidly obese, agoraphobic, I literally didn't leave the house for a 2 year period and still rarely do. I have 0 friends and never had any except a few online ones who ditched me years ago. I was bullied constantly. I have self-harm marks all over my arms. I've NEVER had a job, or finished high school. I still almost never leave the house.

(p2) I’ve asked for help to learn to drive, but they tell me I can’t. I guess because they call me autistic and tell me I am not very smart and make jokes about me having ADHD. I took those comments seriously and they told me I was “looking for problems.” WHAT? I made the mistake of speaking with a few psychiatrists about it who shut me down because, in their words, I didn’t “look” like I had those issues. And that my parents had hard jobs so it made sense they would lash out at me. 

(p3) I deal with other issues too like menorrhagia. A doctor had me do an ultrasound (this was like my 3rd one since ‘06) and sent me to a specialist because they saw something. The specialist said she didn’t think anything was there and wasn’t going to actually examine me. I gave up. I’m afraid to speak up for myself, I genuinely don’t understand how to live, make friends, talk to people. I feel like I just have TOO MANY issues. And at my age I don’t see why anyone would bother with me anymore.

(p4) I have an appt with a psych at the same place as the others because I have my city’s free insurance and nowhere else to go. I don’t know if I can do it again after this? I just wanted somewhere to reach out at least one more time :( I’ve reached out to others (like extended family) who will talk to me for a bit then ignore? I can’t help but to feel damaged or like I’m doing something wrong I can’t figure out. I feel like a weak loser and I didn’t try good enough.I’m sorry this is so long

Hello Anon, 

I’m mod Bee and I’ll do my best to help you out, but I received help myself from the other mods to write you back. So this is a communal effort!

Thank you for reaching out, and I’m sorry you’re going though such a difficult and distressing situation. You sound strong and tenacious, and I’m proud of you for the way you keep trying to improve your life. 

We have some suggestions that we hope can be of help. They’ll concerne:

finding online communities/groups to hang out with

finding a professional that suits your needs 

looking for courses you can join 

thinking about possible job options 

Just an head up: this is going to be long, and it will contain tons of links. I’ll highlight one - that I think it’s most useful - for each section, but I suggest you to go through them all. 

1. finding online communities/groups to hang out with

Having friends is important for our mental health, but it can get difficult to make new ones, especially when we’ve been burned before.  

Online communities, forums, and groups, can be good places to start looking for friends again. You can approach them with as much caution as you need, and find those people you relate with the most.

If you like games, and rpgs in particular, there are online options that allow you to connect with other others all over the world. Activities like Dungeon&Dragons are based around players’ interactions, so you’d get to know people without putting the stress on forging new friendships. The article 10 Best Online Chat Rooms & Games suggests other equally fitting games. 

Forums and groups where you can share your experience and fears are another important tool you can use. I’ve looked into active ones and found Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia Forum, r/Agoraphobia/ (on reddit), bus (a self-harm support forum), Mental health support group and discussion community, Online Support Groups by Turn2Me, PsychForums (Psychology and Mental Health Forums), and the ReachOut app.

Trying with pen pals - a one on one exchange - could also be a good idea: InterPals and PenPalWorld are only two of the many websites dedicated to this purpose. Here’s some tips on how it works.

Finally, there are apps with the specific purpose of finding new friends, like Bumble BFF. Try to see if you there’s one of your liking in this list.

2. finding a professional that suits your needs

We usually recommend what it’s colloquially called “psychiatrist/therapist shopping”, the act of choosing a professional after inquiring what we need to know of their line of work, based on our own wishes, and asking this to more than one.

It’s difficult when insurance covers just a little portion of professionals, but not impossible. 

Can’t afford therapy? No insurance? Need low cost options? Here is a great list of ways to get help when money or insurance is an issue.

Therapy For Every Budget: How To Access It

9 Ways to Get Free or Cheap Therapy When You Don’t Have Health Insurance

Dial 211 for Essential Community Services: if you call 211, you can ask about free therapy options in your area, or how to work with you insurance to afford other professionals.

If none of these options work out, and you have to stick with the professional your insurance provides, there are measures you can take that might help making the sessions successful. Check out 21 Tips for getting the most out of each therapy session and How to Talk to Your Doctors When They Don’t Listen. 

If your new psychiatrist tries to dismiss you without hearing everything that you have to say, insist that they write on your record exactly what they did and why, and that you absolutely want a copy of it before you exit their room. It’s your right to have both your requests accomplished. I know it’s not easy to have them respected: you’ll probably have to stand your ground and that can be difficult, but I think it’s important for you and fundamental for what you can get out of this session. This is a post with links to various module you can complete to help you assert yourself, which I suggest you to start before going to your appointment, if you can. It can be useful to face your family, too.

Does your insurance cover a different specialist for the gynecological problem your doctor wanted you to check out? Is there any free or low-cost clinic near you, like Planned Parenthood or Free Clinic? You can inquire about their services through email.

3. looking for courses you can join

Online courses can be helpful for a number of things, like keeping busy, learning new stuff, feeling accomplished, and possibly getting some qualifications. 

There are some free options that end with a proper certificate, but not all are accredited, meaning that they’re not automatically accepted by employers (they can choose to consider them valid or not). Still, there are no downsides in joining such a course, seeing that it doesn’t cost anything but your time.

Not accredited certificates/no certificates:

Alison’s Diploma Courses and Certificate Courses 

FutureLearn doesn’t grant you certificates with their free courses, but it still provides learning access

edX’s Courses

Udemi, not free but it offers up to 90% discounts generally once a month

Learn how to code, a masterpost that lists different courses to learn coding

Free Online Language Courses, a masterpost that lists different courses to learn languages  

24 Invaluable Skills To Learn For Free

Accredited certificates

coursera offers some free courses, and/or the possibility to apply for financial aid

Online Degree require no tuition, no applications, and no interviews, and has worked so participating Universities around the country will consider the courses for credit, potentially finishing up to an entire freshman year of college

edX’s Professional Certificate Programs are not free, but edX offers up to a 90% discount to those who prove they cannot pay a full price.

University Of The People is tuition-free, which means there is no charge for teaching or instruction, only initial fees (around 160$) for each course. You can also apply for scholarships.

on StudyPortal - Scholarships, you can find a huge number of scholarships available in your country, and here you can find the easiest scholarships to apply to. There are also scholarships for online courses.

There’s also the possibility of completing high school through virtual courses, and if they’re organized by your State’s public school system, they should be free. You can find more info on this here. 

4. thinking about possible job options

Working towards finding a job is important for our own self-worth and feeling like a valuable member of society, and of course it can also help with looking for better therapy. 

It can be tricky when mental and physical illnesses are at play, though. That’s why I’d like to give you some online options here, too, that don’t ask for any particular prerequisite, and would give you enough free time to focus to get better. Jobs like data entry or app testing are doable from home, and may not pay much, but they’d allow you to start building some savings. 

5 Online Jobs That Require Little or No Experience

No Experience? Start One of These Online Jobs

Best Data Entry Jobs From Home

10 (Legit) Data Entry Jobs from Home

Work At Home Data Entry on Indeed.com

FlexJobs

Glassdoor

Whatever you choose, creating a strong resume is always a good step. I’m giving you some resources on how to do that:

How to Create a Professional Resume

How To Make A Resume 101

Help Everyone Find A Job In Their Field

And between checking out all these options we gave you, please try to do some of this Workout For Daily Life, because focusing on a screen for too long can cause so many aches!

You’re not a loser, you’re strong and you keep fighting for yourself, which is admirable. I hope these resources can be of help, and please do send another ask if you need anything else.

Take care,

mod Bee

[basicsofislam]

ISLAM 101: Muslim Culture and Character: Morals And Manners: Care Of Kin

The Islamic term used for the care of kin is sila al-rahm which encompasses visiting one’s parents and relatives, asking after their welfare, and making them happy. Islamgives importance to relationships with people, particularly the mother and father and then other close relatives. Visiting them should become a principle in one’s life.

Khalid ibn Zayd (Abu Ayyub al-Ansari) narrated an event in which a man came and asked the Prophet, “O Messenger of God, can you tell me an act of worship that will help me enter Heaven?” God’s Messenger replied thus, “Worshipping God, not associating any partners with Him, performing the daily prayers, giving to charity, and visiting your relatives.”52

This hadith emphasizes the importance of sila al-rahm, stating that such actions can help Muslims go to Heaven. But sila al-rahm means more than just visiting relatives; it also includes taking care of their needs and always including them when doing something helpful (like giving charity). The fact that this is mentioned direct- ly after the prescribed acts of worship, such as daily prayers and charity, shows the great importance given to sila al-rahm in Islam. For this reason, some Islamic scholars hold that such behavior is wajib, or necessary, for believers, and they consider it to be a great sin to neglect or refuse these duties. Indeed, in the Qur’an God commands:

O humankind! In due reverence for your Lord, keep from dis- obedience to Him Who created you from a single human self, and from it created its mate, and from the pair of them scat- tered abroad a multitude of men and women. In due reverence for God, keep from disobedience to Him in Whose name you make demands of one another, and (duly observe) the rights of the wombs (i.e. of kinship, thus observing piety in your relations with God and with human beings). God is ever watchful over you. (Nisa 4:1)

In the verse above, as well as the following verse, God’s Word charges us to maintain the bond of family ties, look after relatives and never allow these relationships to be severed:

And those who unite the bonds God has commanded to be joined (among kin as a requirement of blood relationship, and among people as required by human social interdepen- dence), and stand in awe of their Lord, and fearful of (fac- ing) the most evil reckoning… But those who break God’s covenant after its solemn binding, and sever the bonds God commanded to be joined, and cause disorder and corruption on the earth—such are those on whom there is a curse (exclu- sion from God’s mercy), and for them there is the most evil abode. (Ra’d 13:20, 25)

There are differences of opinion as to how far the designation of “relative” extends, or who, exactly, is meant by these verses and hadith. According to some, relatives are close relatives with whom marriage is forbidden; according to others, the word’s meaning is those relatives close enough to have rights to inheritance. Still oth- er scholars believe that the word rahm in the verse is inclusive of all relatives, even if they are distant relatives. In terms of social life the latter view is the most helpful.

Since it has been commanded by God and His Messenger Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, to visit and care for relatives, it would be appropriate here to examine how this should be done. There are certain “degrees” of sila al-rahm:

The absolute minimum is to speak kindly to relatives and be amiable when talking to them, to greet them when we encounter them, to ask after their well-being, and to al- ways think positively about them and want the best for them.

The second level is to go and visit them and to come to their aid in various circumstances. Such actions are a more physical way of serving our relatives. This is especially im- portant as our relatives get older and need someone to as- sist them with things they can no longer do for them- selves.

The third and most important level of sila al-rahm is to give one’s relatives financial and material support.

There are exceptional circumstances, such as when someone is too poor to support their relatives materially. But the Muslim who is well-off cannot be said to have completed the duties of sila al- rahm simply by visiting and asking after their relatives. For such a person, these duties include financial support, as much as they can afford, for less well-off relatives. This support can be in the form of giving them a regular amount of money, or providing them with the things they need. This is what is meant by “looking after and caring for relatives” in Islam; a good Muslim should carry out all of the above three “degrees” of support to the best of their abil- ity. Otherwise, if they neglect to carry out those duties that are in their power, they will be held accountable. We must keep in mind the punishment for those who neglect these duties given in the above Qur’anic verse. Our Prophet also said, “Every Friday night each person’s deeds are presented to God; only those who neglect sila al-rahm will have their deeds denied.”53

Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, spoke of this topic in another hadith, proclaiming that faith in God and in the Last Day requires looking after one’s relatives.54 The Prophet said that God’s mercy is on those whom God judges to be taking good care of their families and those who take care to maintain blood ties. Conversely, God curses anyone who makes no effort to maintain their relationships with their relatives.55

There are also other warnings that state that those who cut ties with their relatives will be punished. The Prophet declared that such people will not be admitted to Paradise.56 He also taught that only those who take good care of their relatives will be grant- ed longer life and more abundance,57 and that one who gives fi- nancial help to relatives will be rewarded twice, both for helping family and for giving to charity.58

The term relatives usually implies close relations such as imme- diate family, cousins, aunts or uncles. There are special benefits in treating these relatives well. The Messenger of God said, “An aunt is like another mother.”59 Likewise, an uncle is like another father. It is only natural that as part of good morality such close family members have certain rights on us. Among these rights, paying visits is of particular importance. As explained below, the general rule is that one should visit close relations first on holidays, and then occasionally at other times, if possible bringing gifts.

Visiting strengthens the bond of love between relatives, and puts an end to estrangement. It allows people to share their sor- rows and joys, and to help one another through difficult times. In particular, the elderly need to spend their final years in peace and happiness in the bosom of their family, knowing they are loved and cared for.

There is another consideration that should be taken into ac- count when examining the subject of sila al-rahm. One should not expect anything in return; in this context, this means that we must not only look after the relatives with whom we are already close, but we should also attend to our duties toward those who have severed ties with us. The Prophet said, “One who simply returns good with good is not living the full meaning of ‘caring for rela- tives.’ True care means to care for the relation who has not shown us any regard.”60 In fact this is a general principle—we should al- ways think carefully and choose the good action in every situation. It is not correct to look after the well-being of those in need when one is weak and powerless but to change one’s conduct when wealth and power increase. This situation is one among the thou- sands of layers of meaning in the following Qur’anic verse:

But is it to be expected of you (O hypocritical ones), that you will break your promise and turn away (from God’s command- ments), and cause disorder and corruption in the land, and sever the ties of kinship? Such are they whom God has cursed (excluded from His mercy), and so He has made them deaf and blinded their eyes (to the truth). (Muhammad 47:22–3)

As a final point, I wish to point out a general principle found in a hadith of the Prophet. Being fallible humans, we may some- times let bad words slip, especially when we are agitated and an- gry. There is a striking hadith about this: Ibn Amr ibn al-As re- lates the following words of Prophet Muhammad, peace and bless- ings be upon him: “One of the greatest sins is to curse one’s par- ents.” Those with him asked, “Would any person curse their own parents?” The Messenger answered, “Yes! If anyone curses the par- ent of another person, as that person will then curse their parent in return, it is as if he has cursed his own parent!”61

[mostlysignssomeportents]

The BLM's Burning Man environmental impact statement is terrible, calls for drug searches, dumpsters, and a 19,000,000lb concrete wall

The Burning Man event is seeking a renewal of its 10-year permit to use the federally owned Black Rock Desert site managed by the Bureau of Land Management; the BLM has responded with a bizarre, overreaching Environmental Impact Statement that ignores the lavishly documented record of Burning Man's excellent safety and stewardship record.

For example, the new Environmental Impact Statement calls for Burning Man to hire an outside security force to replace its all-volunteer, community-based Black Rock Rangers, and to have these rent-a-cops search all belongings of all attendees: 80,000 people in 30,000 cars, in a high-wind, low-visibility environment where, in addition to the threat to privacy there is also a massive risk of huge amounts of personal belongings being whipped away by the wind and blown all over the desert.

The EIS also ignores Burning Man's status as the world's largest, best-managed "leave no trace" event, where every piece of waste down to individual sequins and metal shavings are picked up and packed out by attendees. Instead, the BLM wants Burning Man to install several football-fields' worth of dumpsters at the event's exit, with parking for 30,000 vehicles to pull up to them. In addition to eroding the norm of stewardship and waste-management that is intrinsic to the festival, this would also deprive the nearby Pyramid Lake Paiute dump sites of the millions they take in from burners who pay to have their waste legally disposed of.

The EIS also calls for the creation of a 19,000,000 lb concrete jersey barrier to encircle the site, replacing the trash fence (a wildlife-friendly fence that catches blown waste) and the perimeter patrols (which are hugely effective at catching people sneaking into the event). The concrete barrier would do untold habitat damage and cause scarring on the playa, as well as disrupting wildlife.

There's lots more -- including a mandate for the festival to conduct anti-drug surveillance of attendees, volunteers and staff, which is simply out of scope of the National Environmental Policy Act.

The Burning Man Organization has published an extensive backgrounder on the EIS's deficiencies and a guide to submitting comments to the public docket.

Here's my comment, submitted yesterday:

To whom it may concern:

I am a Burning Man attendee who has attended every year since 2011, and I'm part of the Liminal Labs theme camp, which celebrated its 20th consecutive year this year. I am a research fellow at the MIT Media Lab and a Visiting Professor of Practice of Library Science at the University of North Carolina, as well as a Visiting Professor of Computer Science at the UK's Open University. I am also a New York Times bestselling novelist whose 2013 book, "Homeland," features extensive action at the Burning Man festival.

I object to several of the recommendations in the Draft EIS, for reasons set out below:

* Mitigation NAT-2

Burning Man is the world's largest and most successful Leave No Trace event. Our camp -- and every other attendee, almost without exception -- packs out *all* its waste. Every year finishes with a multi-hour scouring of our site with rakes and garbage picking tools to ensure that not so much as a single metal shaving or zip-tie remains on site. We take extensive measures -- tasking someone to travel to a paid dumpsite in a designated rental vehicle, then taking that vehicle to a car wash to make it presentable for return -- to ensure that our waste is properly disposed of.

For the few bad actors who practice illegal dumping after the event, Black Rock City’s Highway Cleanup Team conducts exhaustive trash sweeps of not only of Routes 447, 446 and 34 (as required by existing permits), and also RT 445 and Jungo Road (which are not required, but whose cleanup is undertaken in the spirit of good citizenship). Our camp makes use of paid dumpsites on Pyramid Lake Paiute Tribal lands, infusing much-needed cash into one of America's poorest counties. Dumpsters would end this practice.

Moreover the BLM's draft EIS does not contemplate the environmental impact of maintaining the dumpsters and providing space to service 30,000 vehicles to use them.

The factual record -- which is publicly documented in a detailed annual report from the Burning Man Organization -- does not support the need for this requirement. As an expert agency, the BLM is not permitted by law to make policy without evidentiary support.

==

* Mitigation PHS-1

Every year Black Rock City is one of the lowest-crime jurisdiction in all of the state of Nevada. There is no evidence to support the need for separate, private security forces onsite. Indeed, the Black Rock Rangers -- a experienced, community-based, all-volunteer force -- are among the most commendable and exemplary aspects of the city's management. Several of my campmates are volunteer Rangers, and I have seen firsthand how seriously they take these duties and how well they perform them.

The environmental impact of gate-searches is significant: unpacking and repacking full cars in a high-wind, unsheltered, dust-storm environment will produce an unquantifiable -- but substantial -- amount of inadvertent litter, and expose people not suspected of any crime to substantial damage to their personal property, to say nothing of the privacy dimensions of these searches, which will force attendees to expose sensitive medical equipment, personal journals, literary and religious artifacts, and other private, sensitive and constitutionally protected materials to third parties.

Without evidence of crimes or risks that justify these high financial, privacy, personal, and environmental costs represented by this measure, this recommendation should be dead on arrival.

==

* Mitigation PHS-3

There is no evidence to support the need for jersey barriers, which will blight the land, impose a massive carbon footprint on the event, pose unquantifiable environmental risks, and burden the festival with unjustifiable and substantial financial costs. The existing trash fence, combined with Black Rock Ranger patrols and other longstanding measures have a very long track record of keeping trash in and unpaid attendees out.

Without any evidence, the BLM should not ask the festival to spend $3m to install 19,000,000 lbs of concrete barriers in a sensitive desert habitat.

==

* Mitigation PHS-6

Again, there is no evidence that existing ambulance and EMS services are insufficient to handle the existing rate of injury at the festival -- and ample evidence that existing measures are sufficient (per capita mortality and morbidity from all causes at Black Rock City are among the lowest in all of Nevada). I am certified in first aid and wilderness first aid and on two occasions I have used my training to help injured people at Burning Man, tending them while waiting for trained EMTs to arrive; in both cases, EMTs arrived in under 15 minutes.

==

* Mitigation AQ-1

With the exception of wind-storms, the only dust I have seen at the festival that was present at sufficient concentrations to pose a health and safety risk was kicked up by law enforcement vehicles operated by local LEOs and BLM officers, who routinely flout BRC's 5m/h speed limit. If BLM is concerned about Black Rock City's air quality, they should train their officers to obey the law.

==

* Monitoring Measure PHS-1

The National Environmental Policy Act cannot be lawfully stretched to cover surveillance of this sort. It is grossly improper for BLM to request it.

==

Concluding remarks:

The BLM's Draft EIS reads like a farcical wish-list concocted in an evidentiary vacuum. Burning Man is a superb steward of public lands, a model for how other events should conduct themselves. Administrative agencies are not permitted to act without evidence. The festival's organizers and volunteers have painstakingly compiled and published detailed, longitudinal studies of the festival's *actual* environmental impact. This Draft EIS seemingly considers none of that factual record.

https://boingboing.net/2019/04/07/jersey-barriers-r-us.html

[bountyofbeads]

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/30/us/politics/california-trump-tax-returns.html#click=https://t.co/C6WtrKQGFc

California Requires Trump Tax Returns Under New Election Law

By Jennifer Medina and Annie Karni |Published July 30, 2019 | New York Times | Posted July 31, 2019 |

LOS ANGELES — President Trump will not be eligible for California’s primary ballot unless he releases his tax returns, under a new law signed by Gov. Gavin Newsom on Tuesday.

The law requires that all presidential candidates release their tax returns in order to be placed on the ballot for the state’s primary next year, in a move that will almost certainly lead to legal challenges. Mr. Newsom’s decision to sign the legislation seemed designed to escalate a running feud between the White House and California.

The state is currently involved in more than 40 lawsuits with the Trump administration on issues ranging from environmental regulation to immigration.

The California State Legislature approved a similar measure in 2017, but Gov. Jerry Brown vetoed it, questioning whether it was constitutional. Mr. Brown, who left office in January, also said it would create a precedent for requiring other information — including medical records or certified birth certificates — from candidates.

Mr. Newsom sent mixed messages on whether he would sign the law, but finally did so on the final day before the bill would become law without his signature. The legislation does not explicitly cite Mr. Trump, but lawmakers made no secret that he was the target when they passed the bill along party lines.

The law, which goes into effect immediately, requires candidates for president or governor to submit copies of their tax returns from the last five years with the California secretary of state at least three months ahead of the state’s primary. That means Mr. Trump would have to provide his tax returns by the end of this year.

“These are extraordinary times and states have a legal and moral duty to do everything in their power to ensure leaders seeking the highest offices meet minimal standards, and to restore public confidence,” Mr. Newsom said in a statement as he signed the legislation. “The disclosure required by this bill will shed light on conflicts of interest, self-dealing, or influence from domestic and foreign business interest.”

The governor cited several legal scholars who signaled support for such a requirement, but it will probably be left to the courts to decide.

Tim Murtaugh, a spokesman for the Trump campaign, declined to comment on potential lawsuits, but called the legislation unconstitutional.

“The Constitution is clear on the qualifications for someone to serve as president and states cannot add additional requirements on their own,” Mr. Murtaugh said. “The bill also violates the First Amendment right of association since California can’t tell political parties which candidates their members can or cannot vote for in a primary election.”

The Trump campaign, which has been closely tracking ballot access issues for months and coordinating with the White House Counsel’s Office, is likely to respond with a lawsuit, according to an official with the campaign. That suit could potentially include a number of plaintiffs, including the Republican National Committee, the California Republican Party and the Trump campaign, but the official warned that nothing about a suit had been finalized.

Nearly a dozen similar bills are active in other states, including New York, New Jersey, Washington and Pennsylvania, according to the National Conference of State Legislatures.

The vast majority of presidential nominees in the last several decades have released their tax returns, with the exception of Gerald Ford in 1976. Mr. Brown and his Republican opponents declined to release their returns during the governor’s races in 2010 and 2014.

Mr. Brown warned in his veto message that such legislation would be a slippery slope.

“A qualified candidate’s ability to appear on the ballot is fundamental to our democratic system,” he wrote. “For that reason, I hesitate to start down a road that well might lead to an ever escalating set of differing state requirements for presidential candidates.”

After Democratic state senators introduced the same legislation this year, aides to Mr. Newsom asked the sponsors to add the requirements for candidates for governor as well.

“This is a huge step forward for financial transparency from people who are trying to become the most powerful person in the world,” said Scott Wiener, the state senator from San Francisco who sponsored the bill. “It is absolutely not just written for Donald Trump. This is for every Democratic and Republican and presidential candidate until the end of time.”

Mr. Wiener said that the requirement would apply only to the primary, a decision sponsors made “because it strikes the right balance.”

“It creates a strong incentive for a candidate to disclose their tax returns,” he said. “Losing California’s large number of primary delegates is significant, while ensuring that someone who is a party’s nominee isn’t kept off the ballot in the general election.

While Mr. Trump remains deeply unpopular in California, Mr. Newsom could face a backlash for escalating the state’s longstanding feud with the president in a way that even some Democrats believe is a distraction. Blair Ellis, a spokesman for the Republican National Committee, accused California officials of “trying to deny voting rights to the millions of Californians who support President Trump and wish to vote for him in the primary.”

“Instead of trying to beat President Trump at the ballot box next November, he said, “Democrats are resorting to gimmicky tactics that are unconstitutional, undemocratic and just plain dumb.”

Mr. Wiener introduced the legislation in 2017, after a conversation with Brad Hoylman, a state senator in New York who had been a classmate at Harvard Law School. Mr. Hoylman’s legislation stalled in Albany, but his office has tracked similar bills in 30 states in the last two years.

“We now can point to California as a model for the substance and the politics of passing this innovative concept into law,” Mr. Hoylman said. “That will give us an enormous boost of credibility with my colleagues.”

Erwin Chemerinsky, the dean of the law school at the University of California, Berkeley, and a First Amendment expert, said he was confident the state was on firm legal ground. He said that states also have the right to make a similar requirement for a general election ballot, and that he hoped other states would do so.

“The Supreme Court has said that states have broad latitude over who is going to be on the ballot so long as they aren’t discriminating based on wealth and ideology,” he said. “I think the state has an important interest in that the tax returns can provide vital information to voter.”

But by asserting themselves in national elections, states find themselves in uncertain territory, said Richard H. Pildes, a professor of constitutional law at New York University.

“There’s no question there are serious constitutional issues that are posed by this, particularly because it is a national election and it has implications beyond the state of California,” Mr. Pildes said. “What other kinds of regulations can one imagine that states might impose on presidential candidates to get onto the ballot?”

[philcphobic]

[ TWO / THREE ] hello, KRIS again & this is my son CHOI TAEWOO ! he is the younger brother of @rnicohq & he Does Not belong here ... but here he is anyway ! he’s a memeber of WAIKIKIS and he’s the gang’s somewhat imcompetent thief. if you’d like to plot smash that heart & let’s create something beautiful !

[ TRIGGER WARNINGS ; ANXIETY, DEPRESSION ]

LIFE BEFORE GANG ACTIVITY !

he was born to a wealthy man and a beautiful, beautiful woman whom of which his father did not deserve … at all ! looking back on it now, taewoo doesn’t really understand how his mother could’ve fell in love with a man like him but she always told him that them meeting resulted in the best things in her life ( aka her children uwu ) and she wouldn’t trade that for the world !!!

he’s the youngest of three children, but some things aren’t meant to be. it just b like that sometimes. you see, taewoo was really young when their parents divorced, like it literally happened maybe a year or two after he was born !! unfortunately ... both of his siblings went with daddie dearest ...

so, now that he and his mother were on their own with little money to their names ( with absolutely no help from his father obviously ), they struggled financially. they stayed with his grandmother, and he began seeing less of his mom because she started working two jobs to be able to provide for the three of them.

as he grew up, taewoo always wondered why their father didn’t want to see him even part time, but that’s none of his business. he doesn’t really know why their parents just agreed to never see the children the other had, so he lowkey thought it was just always something about him specifically.

to ease his worrying, his mother always told him that their father was a bad man, and that his siblings ... wanted nothing to do with him ! they all apparently HATED him !! it made him feel ... really alone, because he would’ve liked to grow up with his siblings ... someone to teach him how to do this or that, or to hear experiences from so he knows what to do / doesn’t make the same mistakes ...

he would’ve liked to have someone to depend on other than his mom & grandma since he didn’t want to burden them.

he had heard nothing about his siblings; his mom was adamant on not telling him anything other than the fact she was mad at them ... ( this is important for later ).

on nights he wasn’t able to see his mom his grandmother always reminded him to do the best that he could in school so one day he could support his mom when she was too tired to continue working two jobs at night.

the most logical thing to do was not ask for help from anyone and let he and his mother suffer for a couple years … in turn, he worked his ass off in school to become one of the top students every year !!! however, this caused him to lack a social life since he always wanted to study, study, study ... he needed to do well, you know?

he thought if he wasn’t successful in school and didn’t eventually have a good job one day he’d be a disappoint to his mother who worked so hard for him day and night.

he also grew up resenting his father ( as he should ) & siblings since they seemed to have all the money in the world, right? he doesn’t understand why they couldn’t share !!! or try contacting him ! truth was ... grandma and mom probably blocked them out hardcore if they tried but ... taewoo wouldn’t know that; how would he?

they believed he would be better off without them. perhaps they were afraid that taewoo would get into trouble, just like his siblings did. they didn’t tell the young boy that nico disappeared from their father’s watchful eye when nico was in middle school ( taewoo was 6-8 years old !!!!! ) and that his sister also disappeared just a couple years after until several years later ...

his mother finally told him during his second year of high school, which is almost a decade after nico even went off to join his first gang ... you cannot imagine how upset he was because like ... how could she just choose to NOT tell him anything? those are his siblings ...

all taewoo had to go off of were photos all these years ... so when he saw & met nico after all this time ... instead of expressing his worry he ... let out his anger instead? he knows his brother means well now, but he is also blinded by LIES his mother told + he doesn’t really want to listen to his brother’s side either so ... taewoo is just being difficult.

it does not help that their sister is missing probably because of nico’s enemies ...

taewoo also knows it isn’t nico’s fault deep down, but he blames him anyway out of pent up confusion on his own feelings towards his brother being in his life a little more

( ANXIETY, DEPRESSION ) in all seriousness, taewoo ... struggles like ... a lot. he’s put so much on his shoulders and his heart is too soft to request for any help from anyone. it’s a lot of stress on someone young, and the worry that he’ll someday fail or that he’s doing this and that wrong constantly plague bis mind ... he underestimates himself a lot, and he overthinks everything to the point where it’s unbearable. he’s trying his best but he’s sinking faster than he’s climbing.

ENTERING GANG LIFE !

anyways, taewoo thinks he wants to be closer to his brother, and he thinks the only way to do so is by joining ... u guessed it ! a gang !!! however, taewoo also wants friends ... and since he’s never really had any before, he’s desperate ... so why tf not, right?

however ... taewoo is stupid, and met someone who wasn’t apart of rose golden and joined the WAIKIKIS instead !!! but it’s fine, because in the end he does get friendships out of it all, you know? he also hoped he could learn to be a lil more … independent? be more care free as opposed to scared of everything?

he lived his entire life in a bubble, protected from both the dangers and the wonders of the world because his goal was so straightforward. he was to do well in school, get a job that paid well so he would be able to pay his mom back for ( still, to this day ! ) working so hard to provide for the both of them; he’s never considered the option of stepping out of line in fear he’ll jeopardize his grades or something … like the nerd he is.

so he probably joined sometime after he turned 18? thank you jeno @guiltheavy for introducing him to waikikis ... even though rose golden was the goal, in hindsight, he doubts they’d accept him since he is not even close to being as wealthy as he could be to join them anyways ! plus the waikikis ... are just ... more his style ...

he really doesn’t like being in gang bc … you know … gangs do dangerous things but he’s glad that waikikis are like … super chill and not that … terrible per se. even though he’s been involved for a year you’re going to find him a scaredy cat ! super scared of doing anything dangerous — probably definitely squeaks when a gun is fired within 25 feet of him SFHJDSFND

he doesn’t belong in a gang and he knows it !!! but he’s still determined to … become one of them … even though he technically is one of them … he’s been assigned as a thief for the gang, but because of taewoo’s morals to be a good person, he’s somewhat incompetent. he’s successful in stealing, definitely, but he feels so bad he tries to return the things he’s required to steal half the time ... he believes the longer he’s in waikikis, the tougher he’ll become ...

uhhhhhhhhhh he’s a babie pls protect him ,

TAEWOO AS A PERSON !

although he doesn’t seem like it, being naive and pristine, he’s really intelligent. he lives with his nose stuck in a book, and he’s filled with so many facts that he could write his own encyclopedia. his knowledge allows him to have many different skills, despite not immediately displaying them to people ... ever. he’s got medical knowledge and he knows how to repair a range of things ... he’s not completely useless !

the thing about taewoo is that he likes knowing everything, so he learns as many things as his brain is willing to handle. first aid is something he was interested in for a long time, as he wants to one day become a doctor.

he is a university freshman studying biomedical science, and he takes school seriously. he puts school before his gang duties and no matter what, his education will ALWAYS come first. he would do anything for his mother, and he wants to succeed for her. he needs to do well in school or else he would just ... he’d be really sad ok.

in summary of taewoo, he’s 98% book smart and 2% street smart. he’s very much inexperienced and so, so naive ... but he’s trying to do better. he constantly says he’s willing to do dangerous things but he’s really scared if he actually has to do these said dangerous things … yes he’s an absolute mess.

pure to the point that it’s just sad. like i said before, he’s lived in this bubble his entire life with one goal in mind, and that did not include having even a tiny bit of a social life outside of one or two friends. like ... he’s never held anyone’s hand, never went on a date, never kissed anyone ( someone please kiss him !!!!!!!!! ), never got real hugs except from his family ( someone PLEASE hug him !!!!!!!!!!! ), never had a significant other …

don’t say any sexual innuendos around him, he will not get it !!!!!!

he’s trying his best,,, that’s what counts,,,

[viraltnteam]

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[brilliantorinsane]

The Speckled Band on Stage:      Yep, Still Gay

Note: I tagged those who reblogged the first part of this series. Please let me know if you would prefer not to be tagged in future posts.

This is the second installment in my series on obscure Sherlock Holmes film adaptations and their depiction of Holmes and Watson both individually and in relation to each other. (For a discussion of the 1921-23 silent films starring Eille Norwood, which appears to have been Doyle’s favorite adaptation, see here.)

I really didn’t mean to write a post about this one, seeing as it doesn’t strictly fit the theme of this series. It is a play, not a film, and it is only sort of an adaptation—although a retelling of The Speckled Band, it is written by Doyle himself. But while researching a very gay and very terrible 1931 film, I discovered that it was loosely adapted from this play. Naturally I read it as part of my research, telling myself that I wouldn’t get sidetracked writing a post about it. The failure of my self-control now lays before you.

In my defense, this play really is … well it really is Something. All sorts of wonderful and all sorts of tragic. If you’d prefer to read it for yourself before encountering the spoilers in this post, hop on over here and scroll to the second half of the webpage. And if you’ve got your subtext glasses so much as perched lightly on the end of your nose, be ready to be sent reeling by what you find.

(Spoilers below the cut)

Production and Reception                                  

Doyle’s decision to adapt The Speckled Band for the stage was rather spur-of-the-moment. He had leased a theater for six months in order to showcase The House of Temperley, an adaptation of his novel Rodney Stone, but the play was largely unsuccessful (x, x). Threatened with considerable financial loss, Doyle set to work and within a week had written The Speckled Band. Despite its rushed composition the play was decidedly successful, and Doyle seems to have been quite pleased with it (x).

The play alters the original short story considerably. Some changes are so inconsequential as to be puzzling—the villain’s name is changed from Roylott to Rylott, the names of the stepdaughters are switched, etc—but other alterations are structural and make a significant difference. In particular, instead of following Watson’s pov, the audience’s perspective revolves primarily around the Rylott house. The scenes introducing Holmes and Watson are also considerably altered and expanded for potentially unfamiliar audiences, and a good deal more shouting and action is introduced throughout. 

Oh, and Watson is engaged to Mary Morstan. Yeah. More on that later.

I have two complaints: First there is an uncomfortable dash of orientalism (i.e., western depictions of the east which cast it as mysterious, dangerous, and Other, and which played a largely unintentional but nonetheless significant role in justifying British imperialism), which is present in the original story but rather more prevalent in the stage play. Second, the female protagonist, although commendably brave, loses what little agency she had in the original story. But aside from these elements, I loved this play. The pacing is good and kept me engaged even when neither Sherlock or Watson are present, Dr. Rylott is genuinely frightening and I was really rather tense at times despite knowing the ending, and the occasional humor is on point—I actually laughed aloud once or twice. Further, ACD’s allegiance with the oppressed is out in full force, and there’s some genuinely touching commentary on the debilitating effects of abuse. And then, of course, there is Sherlock Holmes and Doctor John Watson …

Sherlock Holmes on Stage                                      

Guys. This is, pure and undiluted, Sherlock Holmes at his best. If you ever start to fear that Sherlock really might be the cold and detached reasoning machine some folk have fixated on, just read the way Arthur Conan Doyle writes him in this play. You will never doubt again that he is anything besides a snarky ahead-of-his-time genius with a heart of literal gay gold. We’ll get to the ‘gay’ part in later section, so we’ll set aside his interactions with Watson for the moment. There is plenty else to discuss.

You see, this Holmes does spout a variation of that much abused line from A Scandal in Belgravia, saying: “[love] would disturb my reason, unbalance my faculties. Love is like a flaw in the crystal, sand in the clockwork, iron near the magnet.” I understand that the statement, here and in Scandle, refers specifically to romantic love. Yet I cannot think it’s an accident that nearly the very next moment Holmes is flatly refusing to find the wife of a clearly abusive husband, asking only enough questions to ensure that she has found a safe refuge, even though the law is on the husband’s side and the man offers a whopping fee of 500 pounds. As if Doyle wants to drive home that Holmes accepts cases purely on the basis of empathy for the downtrodden and not finances, Holmes then remarks: “I’m afraid I shall never be a rich man, Watson.” Added to this, the manner in which he listens to, comforts, and puts himself in danger for Roylott’s step-daughter Enid is genuinely touching. As many of us have asserted for years, Sherlock Holmes is the champion of justice, ally of the oppressed, and altogether a beautiful smol man. ‘Love is a flaw in the crystal,’ indeed.

There is also a pleasing dash of Holmes the psychologist. It appears most obviously in an early analysis of Dr. Roylott, but most touchingly toward Rylott’s mercilessly abused servant Rodgers. The man is essentially good-hearted but entirely incapacitated by fear of his master, and this leads to his betraying Enid’s attempts to contact Sherlock. It was obviously a shitty move, but Holmes, who earlier expressed understanding of the thoroughgoing damage caused by the man’s long, forced dependence on a maniac for his basic needs, responds compassionately: “He is not to be blamed. His master controls him.”

Added to this we have Holmes in disguises, bamf!Holmes, Holmes calling people idiots and taking far too much delight in dancing circles around them, and of course utterly brilliant Holmes (though that’s a given), so it seems almost an embarrassment of riches that we also get peak sassy Holmes. He makes a number of delightful appearances, although my favorite is the following, which occurs after he has agreed to protect Enid from Rylott:

RYLOTT: What I ask you to do — what I order you to do is to leave my affairs alone. Alone, sir — do you hear me? HOLMES: You are perfectly audible.

As utterly delightful as all of this is, Holmes’s darker side is not entirely absent, at least in his personal habits—the cocaine does make its appearance. But more on that later.

John Watson on Stage                                             

To be honest, I found myself rather anxious about how Doyle would depict Watson. We fans have been in the habit of discovering Watson between the lines of the cannon stories—as the man is far more interested in talking about Holmes than himself, it takes a bit of digging to discover Watson’s outstanding qualities. But what if the Watson we love so dearly is our own invention, and Doyle himself was simply uninterested in the man except as a conduit to portraying Holmes?

I really shouldn’t have worried.

It is true that Watson rather disappears into the background once Holmes is working. But that is not to say he becomes at all useless. In fact, the Watson in this play is quite simply our Watson—kind, steady, intelligent, dangerous, and with something of a temper hidden beneath the steady veneer.

In the play, Watson is the doctor who examines the body of the first murdered sister (who is here called Violet) two years before Holmes becomes involved in protecting the remaining sister, Enid. Watson, bright fellow that he is, clearly suspects that something is off. Ultimately there is nothing he can do at the time, but his involvement allows for one my favorite moments: Watson employing Holmes’s deductive skills. True, it is for a single,  relatively inconsequential matter; but he does it and he’s right and he impresses the whole room and guys! Watson! is! an! intelligent! man! I mean, we’ve all known that for forever, but its rather nice to get such a clear nod of agreement from Dyole.

In addition to his intelligence, Watson exhibits a empathy and compassion that in this story will be matched (not surpassed) only by that of Holmes. As an old friend of Rylott’s now-dead wife, Watson acts as comforter to the surviving girl. We are told that he came immediately and probably well in opposition to his own convenience when first he heard of the tragedy, and his treatment of Enid is gentle without being patronizing. Unsettled by the Rylott household and clearly wishing he could do more, he also repeatedly urges Enid to contact him if she has any suspicion of danger. All of this prompts Enid to declare: “Your kindness has been the one gleam of light in these dark days.” It is a lovely description of the man who has been a light in the dark for at least one other—the sort of testament we would have been unlikely to hear of if this story were reported through Watson’s own narration.

Again, I’ll leave the majority of his interactions with Holmes for the next section, but it is worth mentioning that there is no objection from him when Holmes turns down an easy 500 pounds. Watson is intelligent and he is good—he saw the signs of abuse and he would not have his friend benefit on those terms. These scenes also provide a wonderful dose of protective Watson. And while Holmes is of course at the head of the investigation, he and Watson are wonderfully in sync, and Watson proves his worth.

When it comes down to it, the Holmes and Watson in this play are transparently the two deeply compatible men we seek to dig out of cannon: mutually sharp and compassionate, courageous and quick to protect, with Holmes giving Watson stimulation and purpose and the means to aid others, and Watson providing Holmes with a firm right hand and a ready ear and a steadiness that counteracts the extremities that drive Holmes to cocaine. Watson and Holmes as Doyle portrayed them—as no other adaptation would portray them for far too many years—are just kinda perfect for each other.

But Watson is engaged.

So … What About Johnlock?                                  

*buries head in hands* *giggles* *sobs* … Yeah. Yeah, it’s here. Yeah.

I really wasn’t sure what to expect from this play. I thought that perhaps the stage would strike Doyle as too exposed and vulnerable, or that perhaps he wouldn’t trust the actors, or that he would feel unsafe without the veneer of Watson’s narration—that, one way or another, he’d be persuaded to leave the gay subtext out of this one. But, um, Doyle? Buddy? Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely chuffed that you managed to avoid allegations a la Oscar Wilde. But also … how?

Honestly, I’ve always wondered whether Doyle was aware that he was writing a love story or whether that’s what wound up on paper regardless of his intent. This play just might be my answer.

a.) Sherlock Holmes: The Work as a disguise

The most blaring subtext is concentrated in Act II Scene II, where Holmes first enters the stage and his primary interactions with Watson occur. This play takes place during one of the dark times when Watson isn’t living at Baker Street, and when he visits Holmes to present him with Enid’s case, Holmes comes out disguised as a workman. (Before this Watson comments with dismay on the evidence of Holmes’s continued cocaine habits—this will be significant later). The disguised Holmes pokes fun at Watson, who doesn’t recognize him, accusing him of being responsible for Holmes’s untidy habits. There may be a rather tragic subtextual undertone to the whole conversation, but there’s too much else to discuss. So I’ll leave that aside and instead highlight the exchange that occurs when Holmes drops his disguise:

WATSON: Good Heavens Holmes! I should never have recognized you. HOLMES: My dear Watson, when you begin to recognize me it will indeed be the beginning of the end. When your eagle eye penetrates my disguise I shall retire to an eligible poultry farm.

Now, this could be innocent enough—just a fun way to introduce the clever detective. But if one is at all alert to the mere possibility of subtext, alarum bells should be ringing full force at the fact that the first on-stage interaction between these two characters consists of Holme demonstrating his ability to hide his true identity from Watson, and then saying that if he was unable to deceive Watson it would literally be the end of his life as he knows it. And it’s worth taking note of his phrasing: not “when you begin to recognize my disguises,” but rather “when you begin to recognize me.” Is this just a matter of professional pride, or is there something deeper that Holmes is afraid of having discovered?

But you know, maybe I’m just reading into this. This is a story about preventing Enid’s murder, its got nothing to do with romance or love, that would be thematically inconsistent and out of place—

HOLMES: Well, Watson, what is your news? WATSON: Well, Holmes, I came here to tell you what I’m sure will please you. HOLMES: Engaged, Watson, engaged! … The successful suitor shines from you all over.

Oh. Okay then.

Now, it is important to understand that Watson’s marriage has literally nothing to do with the Rylott plot. The engagement in no way affects Watson’s movements, and Mary never appears on stage. No; the first half of this scene is devoted entirely to introducing us to Holmes—the few clients he sees in this section are clearly selected to give us a sense of his character, methods, and values. That means that for some reason Doyle thought that a proper understanding of Holmes requires a discussion of love and marriage—specifically, Watson’s marriage.

Watson, being an imbecile as well as an intelligent man, thinks Holmes will be pleased with his news. Holmes rises to the occasion as best he can, calling the news “better and better” when he discovers Mary Morstan is the woman Watson has chosen, but not before he lets slip the sentence: “What I had heard of you, or perhaps what I had not heard of you, had already excited my worst suspicions.” Worst suspicions, Holmes? I thought this was supposed to be giving you pleasure? Well, perhaps he’s merely being facetious.

But next moment he slips again, saying, “You lucky fellow! I envy you.” When Watson suggests that Holmes might find a woman of his own one day, Holmes cryptically replies: “No marriage without love, Watson.” This might have been the first line that really floored me—the bare fact of Holmes’s conviction that he will never love a woman (‘woman,’ of course, being implied in the concept of marriage at the time). But when Watson asks why, Holmes falls back on the “[love] would disturb my reason” nonsense.

Now to be clear, I understand that Holmes is specifically discussing romantic love here, and that there is no connection between a lack of romantic attachment and a lack of sentiment and care for others generally. But here’s the thing: Holmes’s self descriptor doesn’t depict him as aromantic—i.e., ‘I just don’t feel romantic stuff.’ It depicts him as a reasoning machine—‘strong emotions disrupt my process.’ And in context of literally every friggin thing he does in this entire play, that’s nonsense. It is abundantly clear that reason is his tool, but compassion and sentiment are his motives.

One might argue that this is slightly sloppy writing (it was composed in a hurry, after all), or that Holmes simply doesn’t have the words to describe his aromanticism. Yet just moments before he said he envied Watson’s relationship, and moments before that revealed himself to be a consummate actor whose very existence as he knows it depends on disguise …

The already unwieldy length of this analysis requires that I speed a bit through the goldmine that follows: through Holmes punting aside requests from a royal family and the actual Pope because Watson has a case in which he has a personal interest—and I can’t resist pointing out that Holmes says he will of course take the case if Watson has “any personal interest in it.” It’s not ‘I’ll make time in my busy schedule if this is really very important to you,’ it’s ‘oh, you have a thing that you at least kinda sorta care about? The Pope can wait.’ I must gloss over Holmes transparently wanting to get as much of Watson’s company as he can, declaring that he has always seen Watson as his partner, and wishing for a plaque with his and Watson’s names on it, despite heavy implications that Watson has been almost entirely absent from Holmes’s work for some time. I’ll just mention in passing the truly remarkable number of “my dear fellows” and “my dear Watsons" Holmes manages to drop in a brief space of time, his clear desire to protect Watson from the dangers of the case despite later informing Enid that he is “a useful companion on such an occasion,” and his cry of “No, Watson, no!” when his friend leaps up to protect him from the poker Rylott is threatening him with.

I will not, however, pass over what occurs when Watson leaves Holmes, intending to meet him at the train station later that day. Watson’s final words on his way out are: “Good bye—I’ll see you at the station,” to which Holmes replies, “Perhaps you will,” adding to himself: “Perhaps you will! Perhaps you won’t!” Ah, what’s that? On about disguising yourself from your best friend again, eh Holmes? But then, within the play this refers to the fact that Holmes intends to actually disguise himself at the train station, so it has a literal meaning and not a metaphorical one, it has nothing to do with a deeper hiddeness, certainly nothing to do with love—

HOLMES: Ever been in love Billy? BILLY: Not of late years, sir. HOLMES: Too busy, eh? BILLY: Yes, Mr. Holmes. HOLMES: Same here. Got my bag there, Billy? BILLY: Yes, sir. HOLMES: Put in that revolver. BILLY: Yes, sir. HOLMES: And the pipe and pouch. BILLY: Yes, sir. HOLMES: The lens and the tape? BILLY: Yes, sir. HOLMES: Plaster of Paris, for prints? BILLY: Yes, sir. HOLMES: Oh, and the cocaine.

Oh … oh. Shit.

Please understand that this exchange—consisting of Holmes again raising the topic of love immediately after returning to the subject of his disguise, both of which he addresses as soon as Watson has left, as if he could not discuss them in front of his friend—comes apropos of nothing except Watson’s announcement of his engagement far back at the beginning of the scene. And I don’t see how the way he raises the subject and dismisses it can be seen as anything but the covering of some deep emotion—there is longing in the way he immediately brings it up, showing that it has stuck in his mind the whole while, and something tragic in the way he next-moment dismisses the clear preoccupation with the claim of being ‘too busy,’ clearly echoing the ‘I envy you … love is not for me’ progression of his earlier exchange with Watson.

And I get that in theory this longing for but dismissal of love could be read in a number of ways besides a socially forbidden love for his recently engaged partner. One might argue, for example, that he is aromantic but lonely and longing for the consistency of attachment others find in romantic love, or that he’s bursting with all sorts of hetero affections that he has chosen to sacrifice for the sake of The Work.

I would simply ask any inclined towards those arguments to consider the framing of this scene. I would ask them to question why ACD chose to introduce and conclude the scene which functions as an introduction to Holmes with the detective’s ability and need to disguise himself from Watson specifically, immediately juxtaposed with discussions of romantic love and Holmes’s desire for it which is clearly present but immediately veiled—disguised?—by his commitment to the work, with the cocaine hovering ominously behind. Then consider that between these mirrored book-ends we watch Holmes allow the man from whom he must disguise himself to disrupt the flow of the work which he claimed was supreme, making clear his wish that Watson be drawn into that work—a desire counteracted only by the transparent fact that he would prefer to risk his own bodily injury rather than put his friend in harm’s way. Add to all of this that Doyle works in a mention of the Milverton case and thus allows Holmes to comment on how his ruse to undermine Milverton involves courting and being courted by a woman and how distasteful he finds the experience and—well, you much reach your own conclusions. I have reached mine.

b.) Watson: Substitutionary desire

I began by speaking of Holmes because the subtext is monumentally more apparent on his part, and unlike Holmes it would be easy and even (though I cringe to say it) reasonable to read Watson as a comfortable heterosexual in this play. Does this mean that Doyle wrote one of those dreadful adaptations in which Holmes is pining away with an unrequited love for a Watson who is incapable of returning his romantic affections?

Not necessarily. As far as I can tell, without the clear implication of Sherlock’s affections one would be on shaky ground arguing that Watson was intended as anything besides a Hetero Bro. However, the clear coding of Holmes as in love with Watson causes one to wonder whether the affection might not be returned, and the results of investigation are inconclusive but intriguing.

Although he doesn’t make an appearance until the second act, Holme is mentioned by Watson in the first scene. Assuring Enid that she can turn to him if she is in any need, he admits that there is little he can do on his own. But he then adds: “I have a singular friend—a man with strange powers and a very masterful personality. We used to live together, and I came to know him well. Holmes is his name—Mr. Sherlock Holmes. It is to him I should turn if things looked black for you. If any man in England could help it is he.”

To be fair, it is not unusual in stories for someone to describe the hero in grandiose terms before he is seen directly by the reader/audience. Still, that’s quite a way to describe one’s friend. I find myself particularly fixating on “strange powers and a very masterful personality.” You do realize that you could have just said he’s smart, right Watson? I mean, maybe things were different back then, but if I described my friend as having a ‘masterful personality’ and then tried to claim they were my platonic bestie, I’m pretty sure I’d get my fair share of dubious glances.

Watson mentions his friend once more when his application of Holmes’s methods to clear up a detail of the investigation prompts an impressed exclamation from the coroner, to which Watson responds: “I have a friend, sir, who trained me in such matters.”

So at the very least, we have a Watson who idolizes, respects, relies on, and emulates his friend—all of which makes the fact that he is no longer living with Holmes something of a puzzle.

You see, the play never gives us a reason for Watson having moved out. The comment to Enid in which he mentions that they “used to live together” occurs two years before Sherlock becomes involved with the case and Watson becomes engaged to Mary, so it clearly has nothing to do with her. Yet not only has he moved out, his involvement in the cases is implied to have dwindled significantly or even stopped altogether—in one of the saddest lines of the play, Holmes comments that of course Watson wouldn’t remember Milverton because: “it was after your time.”

But why these degrees of separation? At no point are there signs of any ill-will between the friends. The danger certainly wasn’t an issue for Watson: when Rylott threatens Holmes Watson literally “jumps” to protect him, and he insists on sharing the danger of the Rylott house. Nor does it seem viable to speculate that Baker Street’s location became inconvenient for Watson—the speed with which Rylott makes his way to Watson’s home and from there to Baker Street demonstrates that they still live quite close. One might more plausibly theorize that Watson was becoming more invested in his medical practice and involvement in Holmes’s work was interfering, but why would ACD make an alteration so irrelevant to the story and then not even explain it? After all, the friends were still living together in the short story from which this is adapted. What could be the point of such a change?

Well, the fact is, while their bond is undeniable and remarkably strong, there are hints of something … off between the friends. Despite claiming to see Watson as his equal partner, Holmes fails to communicate with him about how they will be involved in the Rylott case, telling Watson to come on the 11:15pm train but neglecting to mention that he will be going to the house in disguise some hours earlier. The motive behind this omission is unclear—he previously tried to dissuade Watson from joining the case on account of the danger, so perhaps Holmes intends for Watson to give up and stay away when Holmes does’t appear. (Watson, of course, comes anyhow). Or perhaps Holmes wished to be apart from Watson for a time in the wake of hearing of his engagement (Holmes calling for the cocaine comes unsettlingly to mind here) but knew Watson wouldn’t allow him to go to Rylott’s alone. But whatever Holmes’s motive, Watson knows only that he has been excluded and cut out. Similarly, if in the past he has sensed that Holmes was on some level disguising himself from him would he would not have been likely to imagine a flattering cause. One cannot help but wonder whether it is these exclusions that cause Watson, despite inserting himself determinately when Holmes’s safety is at stake, to feel that he must offer to remove himself from the room when Holmes calls in clients. Certainly Watson has no inkling that Holmes might be in love with him—no kind friend who suspected as much would introduce his engagement by saying: “I came here to tell you what I am sure will please you.”

This then, is what we have: two men who deeply admire each other, long for one another’s company, and would clearly die for one another, and yet one of them is hiding and the other running first from the house and then into marriage. We have good reason to believe the one is hiding because he fears revealing his love; is it unreasonable to suppose the other is running for the same reason? Is it strange to think that Watson, feeling unable to trust to his powers of disguise in the way Holmes can, feeling the continual sting of Holmes hiding from him and cutting him off and unable to interpret those actions as anything besides distrust or indifference, would have sought safety in distance and ultimately comfort in binding himself to another?

A final note: we know nothing about Mary in this play. Despite having come in part to announce his engagement, Watson has no rhapsodies to offer on behalf of his fiancee—he seems far more interested in Holmes’s propensity for love, and, failing that, in Holmes’s work. Although Holmes’s (admittedly not impartial) deductions imply that Watson is genuinely pleased with his engagement, we learn precisely two details about Mary, both from Holmes: first that she has red hair, and second that Watson chose a woman who Holmes “met and admired.” Despite their seemingly limited contact over the past two years, Watson still seems unable to be married without at least some reference to Sherlock Holmes.

c.) Sorry … have some petty ACD as recompense

I feel I owe you an apology. I am aware that if you had the patience to read my ridiculously long ramble and are convinced by my interpretation of the Holmes and Watson’s relationship in the play, your ‘reward’ is having a dark but ultimately triumphant detective story transformed into a fucking tragedy that ends with two broken hearts. All I can offer is the comfort of knowing that for 130 years neither marriage nor death nor the near erasure of Watson from the first forty years of stage and film adaptations have been able to keep these two apart. They will find their way back to one another.

Oh, and you also might enjoy hearing that this play is totally ACD’s revenge on heteronormativity.

Okay, I can’t prove that. But it really looks like it. You may be aware of the 1988 play Sherlock Holmes, written by Doyle and William Gillette. If you’re like me a week ago, you may not know that Doyle wrote the original script himself, and Gillette became involved only when Doyle’s script was rejected and the producer urged him to bring Gillette on to rewrite it. I like to imagine that the rejection letter went something like: “Look, buddy, you can’t have Holmes staring forlornly after Watson while instigating a wistful conversation about love with Billy. You just can’t,” but realistically we don’t know why the first draft was rejected. But we do know that Doyle specifically requested that Gillette not give Holmes a (female) love interest, and that Gillette sent Holmes off into the sunset with a woman anyway (x).

Then, eleven years later with a failing theater on his hands, Doyle locks himself away in a room and says, “Fuck it. Imma write a Holmes play, and when I introduce him the first thing everyone is going to know is that he’ll never marry a woman, and the last thing the introduction will tell them is that he’ll never marry a woman and—you know what, I’ll take that Milverton story where Holmes groans about needing to date a woman and throw that in the middle.” And that’s true of the play even if you don’t buy the queer reading. But also, its super gay.

And frankly I just love that not only did Doyle refuse to give in to society’s attempt to fit his story into their heteronormative mold, it actually worked and Doyle made up all the money he was poised to lose and more by shoving a gay love story into his audience’s face.

Well done, ACD, well done.

Conclusion: Should You Read It?                            

I mean, I think my answer is fairly obvious by now. If you’re interested and have the time, it is 100% worth it. And I hope it doesn’t feel like I’ve spoiled all the good parts. There are reams of gems I didn’t even allude to—and that’s not counting everything I doubtless missed.

I just have one request: if you do read the play and end up posting about it on tumblr, would you tag me in your comments? Hearing someone else’s thoughts on this hidden treasure would be a delight. 

@thespiritualmultinerd @a-candle-for-sherlock @missallainyus @steadymentalityengineer @iant0jones @devoursjohnlock @disregardedletters

[tipsycad147]

Types of Spells 2

Love Spells 💘

Love spells that work most effectively are those that empower you as a person to increase your ability to give and receive love. Whatever you do that makes you feel more worthy of love or more open to love, will naturally bring more love to your life. The good news is that realistic wishes usually bring realistic results.

When you are casting love spells, whether you are seeking a new love or wanting to improve your current relationship, it is also important to be precise and detailed on defining clearly what you want.

The Love spells you’ll find on this website are mostly designed to work on yourself. You cannot change others by force, but you can always change yourself. Spells and meditations will give you insights on what is the best course of action for you right now. Maybe you think you want to go back to your ex-partner, but with a bit of introspection and time, you end up discovering that it might be easier and more fun to place your energy in going after a new romance. The important thing is that you communicate and listen to yourself and your intuition, that is, your Higher Self, who knows exactly what’s right for you, without exception.

Opening your heart to receiving love is one of the best things you can do. A love spell will always help you put your feet on the ground and align your body, mind, and spirit so you can get exactly what you deserve, no more, and no less.

Browse our Library of Spells and Try some of the Best Love Spells

Wealth and Money Spells 💰

Money has played a fundamental role in our society since the birth of civilization. After all, money provides comfort and – using it wisely – it has some power to make us happy. Let’s not forget that money also has an impact on a wide range of decisions we make in our lives: To accept or decline a job offer, to buy a house or wait for another chance, to go on an adventure or save it for later.

While it’s not likely that you’ll become a millionaire just by casting a spell or win the lottery by wishing upon a star, it is possible to use Witchcraft to change your views, goals, and expectations regarding money. By changing the way you think about it, you can open the doors to wealth and subconsciously begin to attract money into your life.

Casting a money spell can also be a helpful way to bring us down to earth and assess what our current situation is, what the road map looks like, and how we are going to achieve our financial goals.

Browse our Library of Spells or Click here to find some Valuable Money Spells

Career Spells 💼

“Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart.” – Rumi

Most people would hate to work at a job where they’re not satisfied. And sometimes, it seems like there’s nothing we can do about it. Maybe you have a boss that you don’t get along with, or perhaps problems arise when interacting with your coworkers. All these issues, without a doubt, can make your day-to-day much less enjoyable. Instead of quitting your job, there are a number of work-related spells that can help you.

What can Magic do to help your career? A job spell will not only help you restore the harmony among the people in your office, it can also help you stay focused and motivated as you work your way to a promotion or a more satisfying job.

Spiritual Protection Spells 🙏

Feeling safe and protected is the most valuable gift that we have. In ancient times, shamans and healers helped people to cure diseases, remove ailments and feel stronger. These rituals were complemented in many cases with the use of remedies such as food, beverages, oils and more.

While this website is not designed to and does not provide medical advice, professional diagnosis or treatment, we have included spells and rituals that can help you empower yourself to spiritually aid and bless the body.

This is how we protect ourselves and our loved ones, by directing our energy and creating an energetic shield that will safeguard us from different types of evils.

Note: If you believe you have a serious health problem, or if you have any questions regarding your health or a medical condition, you should promptly consult your physician or other healthcare provider.

Good Luck Spells 🍀

Everything you do will be returned to you Three-fold. That is the most basic principle of Wicca. Your goal when working with Withcraft should never be to harm others, but instead to guarantee good luck for yourself and the ones you care about. Magic practitioners have always been very respectful with the environment and with all living beings. Without exception.

You can attract good luck to you by consecrating your own lucky amulet, by performing daily rituals, and by casting spells for good luck at work, in your studies or love life.

Increase your fortune by casting Good Luck Spells

https://spells8.com/topic/types-of-spells/

[sportsgeekonomics]

Counter Sports are NOT required to give full scholarships.  Schools can and do give partials in football.

I’ve had supposedly knowledgeable sports media personalities tell me I was wrong and imply that I am clearly an idiot for thinking that the reason most athletes get full scholarships in revenue sports is because they are worth it, and instead I must not know that all counters are required to get a full GIA if they even get $1 of athletic aid.   I have heard it dozens of time that “partial scholarships are not allowed in college football or basketball”

It’s totally false and it misreads the counter rules so completely that it confuses an interesting economic fact (Most P5 schools give out 100% of their allowed scholarship money in football and men’s basketball) with a rule ( supposedly b/c they have to, but they don’t).

Despite being false, I’ve had ADs like Dan Radakovich of Clemson tell me it is against the NCAA rules to give partial scholarships if any counter sport, including FB, MBB, and WBB. 

https://youtu.be/72Gr3tzFJTg?t=3006

I’ve had supposedly knowledgeable sports media personalities tell me I was wrong and imply that I am clearly an idiot for thinking that the reason most athletes get full scholarships in revenue sports is because they are worth it, and instead I must not know that all counters are required to get a full GIA (quick terminology note: GIA is slang for “athletic scholarship -- it stands for Grant-in-Aid) if they even get $1 of athletic aid.   

https://twitter.com/dandakich/status/907378048911204352

I’ve had random twitter bros tell me partials aren’t allowed in football and basketball as well:

https://twitter.com/FlyforaWeitzguy/status/907392030170640384

https://twitter.com/mloos2121/status/848740369667956741

(to be fair to Mr. Loos, when presented with some data, he admitted he might be wrong: https://twitter.com/mloos2121/status/848741840769646592 )

Despite the implied knowledge of NCAA rules with which some claims are tossed out, the claim that football (or any counter sport) mandates full GIAs is false.  It’s False.  Stop telling yourself it’s true because it’s false.  In what follows I will first present the rule and explain why it allows partial scholarships.  Next, I will provide public data, recently unredacted, showing that schools in the Mac and the Sunbelt frequently provide partial scholarships in football, which is empirical evidence that the rule does not forbid them from doing this.  And then finally, if you make it that far, I’ll explain why this matters for assessing athlete value.

Part I: The Relevant Rules

First the rules themselves, as per the NCAA’s D1 2017-18 bylaws.

15.5.1 Counters. A student-athlete shall be a counter and included in the maximum awards limitations set forth in this bylaw under the following conditions: ...

(a) Athletics Aid. A student-athlete who receives financial aid based in any degree on athletics ability shall become a counter for the year during which the student-athlete receives the financial aid; or...

What this says is if you receive even a penny of athletic aid, you are a “counter” under NCAA terminology.  Remember that term and its definition.

15.5.6.1 Bowl Subdivision Football. [FBS] There shall be an annual limit of 25 on the number of initial counters (per Bylaw 15.02.3.1) and an annual limit of 85 on the total number of counters (including initial counters) in football at each institution.

This rule says that you can’t have more than 85 total counters, and, as above, if you give even a penny of aid to anyone in a counter sport like football, he “counts” and so this means only 85 people can receive aid at one time (with limited exceptions for things like being on medical redshirt, etc.)

Finally, there is the following FBS-specific requirement (per Figure 20-1) 

which says FBS members must:

"provide an average of at least 90% of permissible maximum number of football grants-in-aid during a rolling two-year period” and 

"Annually offer a minimum of 200 athletics grants-in-aid [across all sports] or spend $4 million on athletics grants-in-aid [across all sports] annually.” 

So for those who are not quick at numbers, 90% of 85 is 76.5, which means if you have FBS football, you have to give at least 76.5 GIAs worth of aid and you cannot give more than 85 GIAs worth of aid.  

Those are literally the rules on what you can/cannot give a counter [other than, of course, the cap itself which sets the maximum value of a GIA, but that is a subject of a thousand different posts and lawsuits, etc.,  let’s stay focused on this one point!] and if you want to tell me there is a rule mandating full GIAs for counters in football, feel free, but you will need to point me to a specific rule to prove it.  And good luck, because such a rule doesn’t exist.

Part II: Empirical Data 

If there were such a rule, (which there is not) then what we would NOT see is schools with a different number of counters (i.e., athletes getting some aid) and number of full-GIA equivalencies .  If there are more counters than equivalencies, someone is getting less than full aid.  And if we see a large disparity on this dimension, year after year, then it is not some weird one-time glitch or whatever.

Remember that schools have to give 76.5 GIAs and cannot give more than 85.  And what does the empirical data show?  Well, in public documents from the “in re NCAA Athletic GIA Antitrust Litigation” case (also known as “Alston/Jenkins” or “The Kessler Case”), my colleague Dan Rascher had access to individual athletes’ financial aid data.  A lot of it remains under seal, but one piece that is public explains that 

“In the Sun Belt and Mac, an average of 7.35 counter per school received less than 90% of a GIA... the least five compensated GIA recipients from each of the 24 teams in those two FBS conference received an average of 30% of a GIA...” (my bold added for emphasis)

Here’s that document, which you can pull off of the PACER system at“Case 4:14-md-02541-CW Document 809-67 Filed 04/06/18 Page 2 of 61″

So to be clear this is not one team violating the rule once or twice.  The average across all 24 teams in the Sun Belt and MAC got less than 30% of a GIA.  And this is not some weird quirk of aggregate reporting -- Rascher explains he had access to “Squad Lists” which show individual athletes and their individual aid packages.

And we know this was not a typo on Rascher’s part, as he gave this same data in a later report (PACER info: “Case 4:14-md-02541-CW Document 809-63 Filed 04/06/18 Page 14 of 132″)

So if your going to comb the NCAA rules for the requirement that all Counter Sport athletes get full GIAs, you might want to also ask how 24 schools all failed to follow this rule for dozens of athletes in a single year.  One answer is the supposed rule is massively violated.  But again, the easier answer is that they didn’t violate the rule because no such rule exists.  And Occam’s Razor wins again, because there is no such rule, and it is perfectly fine to give partial GIAs to athletes in counter sports.

What differs between counter sport and equivalency sports is what you can do with the money you save by not giving a full GIA.  In an equivalency sport, you can spend that saved money on another athlete -- the more you split scholarships, the more (partial) scholarship athletes you can add to the team.  Whereas in counter sports, you can’t do that.  If you have 85 GIA athletess in football and you cut the last guy to 50%, you can get an 86th guy to take the other half.  Instead, you just have to pocket the savings for some other use -- like paying a English Professor or cleaning up the quad, putting more money into strength and conditioning, etc.

Part III: Why this matters

Well, in addition to proving that Dakich, Radakovich, and countless internet dudes have been wrong when they argued this point to me, what this says is that when we a school giving out more than 76.5 GIAs to football players, that we know they did so because they felt that the 77th, 78th, etc., was worth at least as much (and likely more) than the cost of his scholarship.  How do we know this?

a) beyond 76.5 GIAs, there is no requirement that they give any more scholarships.  So if we see 78 guys getting GIAs of some level, we know the school felt every single one of them was worth whatever they gave him becaise no one forced them to make the offer, no rule required it, and if they had pocketed the money, they could have spent it elsewhere.  Ergo, we know that giving that 78th athlete a scholarship was the most preferred use of that money.  And since whichever one of the 78 athletes getting a scholarship is the lowest was worth it, then the other 77 were worth it too.

b) If guy 78 got a full scholarship, then we know he was worth at least that much.  Even if the school wanted a backup, a bench player, etc., they could have made him a walk-on, but they didn’t.  They could have offered him a partial GIA, but they didn’t.  If he got a full, he got it because the school felt that giving a 75% GIA (and the resulting risk of losing him to another program) was a bad choice compared to spending MORE and getting him.  That’s what “worth it” means in economic terms -- willing to spend that much to get the desired good.

c) when we see a ashcool use all of its 85 counters and give all 85 counters full scholarships, this tells us that EVERY SCHOLARSHIP ATHLETE WAS WORTH HIS FULL GIA and likely more.  There is zero rational reason to pay the 85th guy a full GIA if you can pay the 85th guy less AND STILL LAND HIS SERVICES.  Schools pay the last guy on the bench the full amount to ensure they don’t get outbid.

d) the reason people like Dakich and Loos and Radavoch think there is a rule requiring it is because at Power 5 schools and even some of the Group of 5 like in the American, every athlete is worth at least a full GIA, and so if a given school offered less than a full, another school would swoop in and make a higher bid.  The cap prevents us from seeing the true value because once someone hits the cap, no one can outbid, and we see a number of “tied” bids and then all of the non-$ effects matter more to the football players, like coaching and fancy locker rooms and the quality of the Classics Dept (ok, maybe not that last one).

And thus -- the prevalence of Full GIAs across 85 athletes across 65+ schools is a sign that every single Full GIA P5 athlete is worth at least as much as his GIA.  Every single one.  So I would encourage all of you to stop arguing that while the stars are worth more, the benchwarmers are not.  The market says otherwise.

And by the way, in basketball the argument is even easier b/c there is no requirement to give ANY GIA to any athlete, an no aggregate requirement (like football’s 76.5) either.  So every single athlete you see get a full GIA was worth at least that much.  And every school that doesn’t field a team of mostly walk-ons thinks GIA athletes are worth at least as much as it cost to land them.