#the one I’ve used before mostly had old and Finnish movies

[kirsctein]

having a library card is actually incredible

[montosmadman]

I was tagged by @soy-celeste ages ago. This was hard but also super rewarding because I really got to take a deep dive in the murky depths of my own music library. Thanks for thinking of me, Cata💕

Task: choose TEN SONGS that describe your personal aesthetic / how you see yourself. Bonus points if you write a little explanation for each song, that‘s not a must though.

List under a read more because it turned out really long and includes some very personal and possibly triggering mental health stuff.

I'm tagging @capitanogiorgio @hendos @furiousflamewolf @checoswin and @diegoalvesisgod

1. Nakashima Mika - 僕が死のうと思ったのは

The title loosely translates to "The reason I thought I'd die" or "The time I thought I'd die". Yes, I went there right off the bat.

Let's get something straight: I'm not suicidal. I have never been actively suicidal, despite struggling with depression and anxiety most of my teenage/adult life. However, what this song captures for me is the feeling when you're not actively thinking about killing yourself, but you do have this empty feeling when you think there's no point for you being alive. And that's something I'm very familiar with.

There are a couple lines I wanna highlight, even though the whole song hits me very hard whenever I listen to it:

その木漏れ日でうたた寝したら、虫の死骸と土になれるかな

If I lie down beneath the sunlight streaming through the trees, will I become like the dirt and insect remains?

あなたのような人が生きてる世界に少し期待するよ

If people like you are living in this world, then maybe it’s alright to hope a little too.

The first line does what I talked about to above: it's the feeling when you just lie down and wonder if anything would change if you just disappeared. The second line -- last one of the song -- has more hope. It's when you find a reason to believe in the future and realize there is still a reason to live. Personally, I'm trying to hang very hard on that last thought even when the world seems to be against me.

(Full translation in a pinned comment under the Youtube video)

2. The Ark - Little Dysfunk You

No essay here. I just needed to have The Ark on the list because they're the official soundtrack of my life, the first band whose album I bought myself, and who taught me it was okay not to fit in. I even have a tattoo that says "a little dysfunk" because my best friend and I have been relating to this song long before either one of us realized we weren't neurotypical. It's the very dysfunctional ode to our friendship, and I love it.

3. Elton John - Rocket Man

I feel like this might be a universal experience growing up neurodiverse and/or an outsider. You spend years feeling like you're alone in space, on another planet, and you want to connect with people but at the same time know that once you come back, you still won't be the person others want or expect you to be. The challenge is to accept that and realize it's okay and you don't need to change yourself for others. And it really is hard when you're raised in a society where the odds are stacked against you.

4. Sanni - Jos mä oon oikee

Look, I'm giving you something in Finnish too!

Sanni is one of the Finnish artists whose breakthrough I originally missed because I was living abroad. I only properly discovered her a couple years after moving back, when I was driving a lot for my work and hence listening to the radio much more than I used to. Her songs just kept standing out from the rest: her lyrics had this amazing depth even when she was singing about mundane stuff -- like, she was finding these painful truths I hadn't ever spoken but felt very clearly.

That said, I had to choose the one song that's actually very upfront with this idea of being an outsider and not feeling like a part of this world. The title translates to "If I am real" and that pretty much sums it up. It's a song about feeling lonely in the middle of a crowded room, feeling like no one sees you or cares what you do. I personally have this habit of taking a step back and observing people rather than getting involved -- and even when I do, it rarely feels like it's really me out there, because I'm so used to masking and acting like everyone else just to fit in, you know?

I'll finish this off with my favourite verse, translated by yours truly. The last line especially hits home super hard no matter how many times I hear it.

Rautatieasema maanantaina ruuhkaisa Kaikilla tuntuu olevan kiire ja suunta Mä oon ulkopuolella vaik seison sisällä Jos oon jo kotona miten voi olla koti-ikävä

The railway station on Monday is crowded Everyone seems to be in a rush and have a direction I'm outside even though I'm standing inside How can I feel homesick when I'm already home

5. Shobha - Last Exit To Freedom

Full disclosure: Degrassi has been one of my comfort series for many, many years. When this song was first introduced in Next Class, it hit me really hard because it was woven into this whole storyline about depression and suicide, which at the time spoke to me a lot. I repeat, I have never been suicidal, but I do get the headspace that could drive people into it.

However, listening to it again now, it's mostly the message of hope that shines through to me. It's a song that can take two very different readings depending on what your own baggage is. And the series actually acknowledges that later on, which I think is not only beautiful but also extremely important.

There's empty places in my life and I need to breathe There's empty spaces on the map waiting there for me

I've never felt more free than when I actually drop my responsibilities and just go where I want to go. I need that space to breathe, and that's why it has always been such a relief when I could just pack up and start over in a new place. Some might call it running away from my troubles -- and they wouldn't be completely wrong -- but that doesn't change the fact that I've always valued my own freedom above any arbitrary societal norms.

6. Scandinavian Music Group - Näin minä vihellän matkallani

SMG is another one of those bands I grew up on and have seen live several times, so they needed to be here. This song is more on the "aesthetic" end of scale than how I see myself. In fact, I've many times hoped I could be like the narrator of this song. I'll give you a couple of verses to explain:

Kun minulta viedään kaikki Autan kantamaan Ja kun lopulta kaadun Teen sen näyttävästi

When everything's taken from me I'll help them carry it And when I finally fall I'll do it with a flair

Minä vihellän matkallani Näin minä vihellän matkallani Jos sen on oltava niin Olkoon sitten niin

I'm whistling on my journey See how I'm whistling on my journey If this is how things have to be Then so be it

It's this carefree attitude. Laughing in the face of hardship and controversy. There's another amazing line about getting back to the saddle after you fall and swearing you'd do it all over again. I've never been able to do that, because I carry all my old failures and pains so close to the surface, and could never just shake them off with a shrug, no matter how minor.

But on another level, I keep hearing from people who I thought knew me that I don't seem depressed. And who can blame them: on the outside, it probably looks like I bounce back from hardships really fast, because I'm so used to masking my issues that the moment I'm physically capable of doing it, I will. So you might say this song is a picture of my outer self, though it hardly mirrors what's really going on.

7. Queen - Don't Stop Me Now

I'm a firm believer that if my life was a teen movie, this is the song I'd have playing in the final scene where I'd just go "fuck that" and started dancing with @mirkwoodstock in the middle of the parking lot of something. It's my ultimate party anthem, the one that always has me dancing and singing along no matter where I am.

Back when we were at the university, Nanna and I used to go to this rock'n'roll club in town and they'd always play Don't Stop Me Now close to the end of the night, and it really became our song. Like, no matter how shitty I felt, when it came on, I'd be there, and so would she. And that's why it also deserves to be on the list.

8. Blind Channel - Died Enough For You

Throwing a rare newer song into the mix. The moment I heard this song, I knew I'd be listening to it a lot. There's also an acoustic version if you're not a fan of the genre or if you just wanna have a different perspective. Blind Channel is also representing Finland in Eurovision next week, and I'm living for it.

Advertising aside, Died Enough For You takes me to some really dark times in my life. I've been in relationships, both romantic and not, where I've been carrying the other person and giving so much of myself, risking my own mental health (which was not that good to begin with) and not getting much in return. There comes a point where you have to prioritize yourself and admit that dragging yourself into the same abyss is not going help anyone. Unfortunately, usually it takes more strength to admit that and leave than to stay in the relationship that's hurting you.

I'm still talking to some of these people, but I've learned to give myself a permission to sign off when I notice that by helping them I'm only hurting myself more. Someone else's wellbeing cannot be my responsibility when I'm struggling to keep myself afloat. And I truly hope everyone who is supporting me also knows that.

9. Aqua Timez - 真夜中のオーケストラ

Title translates to "Midnight Orchestra". Yes, it's from Naruto. I discovered it back when I was still more involved in anime fandom stuff, and fell for it again year ago when I binged the anime when to lockdowns started, because I needed an escape.

And what an escape it was. Have you ever heard a song and immediately went "I need a tattoo of this", or is that just me? I'm probably not going to get a tattoo because I don't trust non-Japanese artists to get the kanjis right, but the song still captures something very real about loneliness that's not really visible but still very much there. Like, the moment when you meet a person you can truly relate to and for the first time realize you'd been feeling lonely all that time. That's what this song describes to me.

Below are a few verses towards the end of the song. I've bolded the one that first caught my attention (and which I still have as the title of my Japan sideblog).

真夜中の詩が叫��だ「僕ほんとうは独りが　嫌いだ　大嫌いだ」 独りぼっちで　生きてゆけてしまうなんてこと

The song of midnight cried out "I truly hate being alone more than anything" I hate to go on living completely alone…

幸せなんて　小さなスプーンで掬えるくらいで充分なんだ 分け合える人がいるか　いないかだけ

All I need is being able to scoop happiness with a tiny spoon so long as I have someone to share it with

(Full translation)

真夜中の詩は叫ぶよ「僕ほんとうは　僕ほんとうは　淋しかった」 太陽の眩しさに　かき消されても

The song of midnight cried out "I was truly, truly… lonely" Even if I were to be erased by the sun's radiance

10. Jenni Vartiainen (Apulanta) - Mato

This song, named "Worm", was originally released by Finnish rock band Apulanta in 1997. The lyrics, while they might make sense as individual statements, are basically gibberish when you combine them into one piece and try to understand the meaning. There is none. Anyways, the version I chose is a remake by another artist, first performed on the Finnish version of The Best Singers format. It doesn't make any more sense, I just like it better because Jenni is hot and she made it so much fun.

And the reason it's on this list? Welcome to my brain, folks! Sometimes, especially when I'm overwhelmed by lots of external stimuli, my mind tends to just wander wherever the hell it pleases and make connections even I don't get. It also likes to forget the stuff I said just a second a go, so I can switch subjects on the go without even noticing. It's very soothing to have music that doesn't require me to make those connections when that happens.

And now, I shall close this massive post with the first verse of this masterpiece:

Minä tahdon ulos, tahdon ulos kattilasta Minä tahdon pelastaa vielä sinutkin kiehumasta Minä tahdon lentää ulos vessan ikkunasta Minä tahdon tietää kaiken teidän karkkimaasta

I want out, I want out of this kettle I also want to save you from boiling I want to fly out of the toilet window I want to know everything about your candy land

Stay safe and take care of yourselves my dears💕

[neroushalvaus]

Top 10 favourite characters from any fandom

I was tagged by @limalepakko , thank you! Since I have recently listed male characters here (or you know, in August, but we all know time hasn't been a thing for many moons), I took the liberty to list characters in general this time. I also went with which characters feel right at the moment, so does not show all my favourites. I also try to keep these short. (edit: okay so these are not remotely short, I will post a list first and have the explanations be under the cut, read if you want to hear my ramblings c': )

1. Fantine, Les Misérables 2. Javert / Jean Valjean, Les Misérables (yes i am cheating) 3. Carrie "Big Boo" Black, Orange Is the New Black 4. Jane Marple, Agatha Christie's Marple 5. Aunt Lydia, The Handmaid's Tale 6. Bridget Jones, Bridget Jones books & movies 7. Rock Lee, Naruto 8. Sarah O'Brien, Downton Abbey 9. Marilla Cuthbert, Anne of Green Gables / Anne with an E 10. Sister Monica Joan, Call the Midwife

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1. Fantine, Les Misérables

I love Fantine with all my heart. I remember reading Les Mis for the first time and her story sending chills down my spine. Her character development makes me so sad, from a girl who falls hard and fast and won't deny anything from her lover, to a woman who is so beaten down by society that she can't do anything but laugh at her fate. But I love how she doesn't lose her pride or her fighting spirit and how she still has the guts to spit in Valjean's face when she sees him after being arrested. And I love how all she does is for her daughter and how despite selling "the gold on her head and the pearls in her mouth" she is content, because all that matters to her is that Cosette will live.

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2. Javert & Jean Valjean, Les Misérables

I was really trying to limit this list to one character per fandom, but alas, I am but a weak little person. Thus, I am cheating already. The thing is that when it comes to Les Mis characters, Fantine, Javert and Valjean are the eternal top 3 for me, but I'm never quite able to say who I love the most. Last time I picked Javert for the male character meme because I love the symbolism and critique of society his character embodies, but let it be known that Jean Valjean is the best character in all of literature and I will fight you on this. The original soft on crime icon (aside from Jesus Christ but they're the same and you know it). Valjean's character journey is such a complicated one from an ordinary man (no worse than any man) to a person, who had been shaped by society and criminal justice system to be a very dangerous man, to someone you could compare to a saint if you wanted to... To an ordinary man, who would do anything for his daughter. He has so many character-defining moments, the biggest ones being in my opinion the trial of Champmathieu and letting Javert go instead of killing him. I just love Jean Valjean so much and could speak about him for hours.

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3. Carrie "Big Boo" Black, Orange Is the New Black

Hopping away from the Les Mis hole and into a OITNB hole. I was debating on whether I'd put Boo or Pennsatucky on this list since I love them both so much, but I've been feeling so much love for my angry butch king that it had to be her. First of all, I'm just so happy to see butch lesbian representation where the butch identity is not just a joke. I know OITNB sometimes uses Boo questionably, but in general she is a nuanced character and one of the most interesting ones in the series in my opinion. I'm so sad they forgot all about her on the last seasons. I love everything about her, how she has trouble with feelings besides anger and often deflects serious stuff through humor, how fiercely protective she is of those she loves (boosatucky otp forever fucking fight me), how proud she is of her butch identity ("i refuse to be invisible")... Also, not to express attraction, but... Mama I'm in love with a criminal. And not to be a slut for how characters view religion/spirituality/God, but the relieved smile she has in one of her flashbacks when she says "there's no God... there's nothing", like you can't just do stuff like that and expect me not to love the character to bits.

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4. Jane Marple, Agatha Christie's Marple

Last time I listed Poirot and was a bit frustrated I couldn't list Marple, but now it's time to right that wrong! I love this little old lady so much. I love Agatha Christie so much for just going "you know who is the person who knows everything that's going on in a community, and thus would make the perfect detective for a detective story? the nosy old woman". As she is introduced in The Murder at the Vicarage: "Miss Marple is a white-haired old lady with a gentle, appealing manner — Miss Weatherby is a mixture of vinegar and gush. Of the two Miss Marple is much more dangerous." She is so likable and witty, you can't help but love her. My favourite portrayal of her is by Geraldine McEwan, she looks so gentle but has such a sharp gaze. I would spill all my secrets to her any day. I also am compelled to tell you that when I was a child we had a costume party at my school and I dressed up as Marple and learned some old lady things in English (it was before third grade so I didn't know much English back then) just for the occasion (such as "thank you, my dear", "what a lovely necklace you are wearing" or "there has been a murder"). Teacher might have thought me rather morbid but I remember that day being quite good.

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5. Aunt Lydia, The Handmaid's Tale

The Handmaid's Tale is such a great series and a book and Aunt Lydia is such a great character. The way she's capable of being absolutely cruel and vicious, but how she is also protective and caring in her own way. One of my favourite scenes in this series is when Serena Joy (my other favourite, can you tell) tells Lydia to "remove the damaged ones" from a line of handmaids and Lydia tries to argue with her. Sure, she is responsible for some of the punishments these women are now "damaged" by, but she truly believes those punishments were for a greater good and now the handmaids deserve their place with the others as much as anyone else. It is chilling and the character is such a dark shade of morally gray, but I can't get enough of it. The actress who plays her, Ann Dowd, has so interesting thoughts about her, like here. I just love this character so much I could scream.

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6. Bridget Jones, Bridget Jones books & movies

I'm mostly talking about the movies here because Renée Zellweger's performance is iconic. Plus the movies are what made me love this character first. But I'll give it to the books, they're one of the few books I've laughed out loud while reading. Anyway, how do you even begin explaining the love I have for Bridget Jones... I love how she is a character so many people can relate but who would be a comic relief side character in some other story. Yes, yes, it is really bad that she is constantly described as fat when she really is not, but when I was growing up she gave me hope that people who are viewed as fat and/or unattractive by other people can be admired and appreciated, and they don't have to be super talented at everything and highly intelligent and some kind of a super smooth social butterfly to "make up" for what they "lack". And also that they can have standards (i once dodged a bullet by rejecting someone by pretty much subconsciously quoting Bridget Jones so..). I also love how the comedic tone of everything does not dismiss Bridget's feelings. For example in some other movie we maybe would concentrate on how "stupid" Bridget was to trust that Daniel was in love with her, but in Bridget Jones we concentrate on how Bridget was hurt by Daniel cheating on her, how he is the one who did wrong. Idk I just love Bridget Jones so very much can you tell.

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7. Rock Lee, Naruto

Aka the boy who would have kicked Madara in the balls if Kishimoto had any sense of drama and good storytelling. I think I robbed Lee by not putting him on the fav male characters list. You know that post that goes like "gays be like 'these are my comfort characters', 1 literal ray of sunshine, 2 war criminal" etc? This child is the sunshine. I've been reading and watching Naruto again ( @hapanmaitogai is my sideblog for that nonsense) and I'm so ready to adopt Lee and/or Gai. Rock Lee is just such an earnest character, he has a goal he will give anything to achieve and he's the one true underdog in this manga. I love how he's so kind and polite (it's not so clear in English but in the Finnish translation he speaks as formally as he does in Japanese, he uses singular polite "you", calls Sakura "Sakura-neiti" = "Miss Sakura" etc... i love one polite boy). Also, he has the best fights in the series. Like Lee vs Gaara is a Classic, but we simply can't forget that time Lee absolutely crushed Sasuke in just a few minutes, or that time he politely asked Kimimaro not to kill him while he drinks his medicine. The best boy. I love that boy so much.

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8. Sarah O'Brien, Downton Abbey

Last time it was Thomas' turn, so now I must talk about the snakiest snake, the queen of weaponized handmaidenry, Miss O'Brien. She is such a great character especially in the first two seasons (I obviously love her on season three as well but Julian Fellowes really tried to make it hard by not explaining her actions at all, didn't he. Well, luckily I am ready to stuff the gaps with my headcanons). She has some of the best comebacks in the series and brings some needed realism in some conversations. I also love how she uses her position as a lady's maid for her advantage and how she is proud of her profession despite being highly aware of the power structures in the Abbey. And then there is the soap. That is such a good character moment, because for a character who always plans ahead, who is ruthless and cunning and intelligent... I don't think O'Brien thought about the soap thing at all before she left the room ("Sarah O'Brien, this is not who you are" hit me like a train). Just once she did something with nothing but anger motivating her and that became one of the defining moments of her character. And one of the defining things of the future relationship between her and Cora. That's why I find the Sarah/Cora ship so interesting, because there will always be the undercurrent of bitter regret. Also Sarah O'Brien and Thomas Barrow are the greatest brotp and Fellowes was a coward for driving the smoking scheming gay best friends apart, and

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9. Marilla Cuthbert, Anne of Green Gables / Anne with an E

I'm not saying L.M. Montgomery is entirely responsible for me having a fondness for strict, older women who first act unkind but have a heart of gold, but she most certainly did not help. Between characters like Marilla Cuthbert and Elizabeth Murray, how can you not fall in love with the type? It's been a while since I read the Anne series, but I really love how Marilla's character has been adapted into the Anne with an E tv series. Geraldine James looks like she was born to play her, she has me in tears so often. She has the ability to portray someone like Marilla, who is a very hard and stern person but feels deeply for her loved ones. I was watching the episode that dealt with Matthew's heart attack and Marilla berating her brother while hugging herself like she was trying so hard to hold herself together absolutely destroyed my heart.

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10. Sister Monica Joan, Call the Midwife

It was a tough choice between her and Sister Evangelina. I just love these nuns very much. Sister Monica Joan is such a lovable and wise character. She is so knowledgeable of many subjects, from the Bible to astrology, and I feel like her unspecified memory problems and confusion are handled very tastefully. I also love how she's such an important part of her community despite not working as a midwife anymore. She is such a kind woman and gets visibly upset when others are treated poorly. And how could I not mention her saying "I do not believe in weeds. A weed is simply a flower that someone decides is in the wrong place", like... I love her so so much.

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I won't tag anyone, but if you read this and you want to do this, consider yourself tagged and you're no allowed to mark me as the one who tagged you!

[kumquatquintet]

Tagged by @firstactproblems Whii, thank you! :3

I tag @mildolyn-love, @yeldatova and @vocallife (if you feel like doing this), or anyone else who wants to answer.

name/nickname: Johanna. I don’t have any nicknames in common use anymore, but there are a couple of names (longer than my actual name :P) a couple of people dear to me sometimes use

gender: Female

star sign: Pieces

height: 166 cm / ~5′5′’

time: 11:12 pm

birthday: Feb 20th

favorite bands: The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain, ELO, Muse, Ultra bra, Kalevauva.fi...? (a very random and not all-encompassing list, but these few felt worth mentioning right now)

favorite artists: David Bowie, Joan Baez, Maija Vilkkumaa, Samuli Putro (the same note goes for this as the previous question)

last movie: Emma (2020)

last show: What We Do in the Shadows

when did I create this blog: 2012

what do I post: Miscellaneous stuff I find funny/interesting/important without any actual common denominator. Sorry... Fandom-wise mostly Ratched nowadays with an occasional Doctor Who/Babylon 5/Buffy/etc thing.

last thing you googled: mielenpäällä (checked if the Finnish equivalent for the phrase “on someone’s mind” should be written with or without a space. It’s without, mielen päällä.)

other blogs: Only this

why I chose my url: Kumquats were a sort of an inside joke between my dad and I after a movie we had watched together. Kvintetti just fits nicely along and so I’ve been using Kumkvattikvintetti/Kumquatquintet in a few places.

average hours of sleep: 6–7

lucky number: Don’t have. Though I usually use 2, 20 or 42 if it’s needed to pick a number.

what am I wearing: Currently a violet hoodie, a black T-shirt form a 2018 scifi/fantasy con which I took part in organizing, old sweatpants, and blue almost knee-high woolen socks 

dream job: At the moment I’d very much like to do the thing I did before the pandemic: assist in a research project. Tbh, currently getting my master’s degree finished and finding a job that has anything to do with what I’ve studied sound like a dream.

dream trip: I’d like to travel in Central Europe by train. New Zealand for example would be nice, too, but I really dislike flying and try to avoid it for climate reasons anyway.

favorite food: I absolutely love a spinach-pasta-cheese thing my mum has recently found, especially with pomegranate. Fish (especially salmon) is great, too, but I try my best to be a vegetarian.

nationality: Finnish

favorite song: Ugghhhh there are many, but right now let’s say Ashes to Ashes by David Bowie

last book read: Last finished is One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest which I finally read during Christmas. Currently reading The Amber Spyglass by Philip Pullman.

top three fictional universes I’d like to live in: If we’re speaking about actual scifi/fantasy universes, I think those often tend to be not that nice places for living (at least before the end of books/movies), so I usually would not move. I love the world in for example Tuhatkuolevan kirous (a Finnish YA fantasy book by Siiri Enoranta), though. People whose judgement I trust have also said that the Culture in Iain M. Banks’ books would be quite ok to live in, too, but I have to admit I still haven’t read those.

[justmickeyfornow]

How do you sit down and write? Like do you write at tea/coffee shop to increase that anesthetics writer creativity? Or hole up under your blanket? I’ve been trying to write something for 2 months now without much progress. Any words of wisdom?

Boy, do I got a few tips for you!! 

These tips are mostly if you’re writing a story (but some work both ways), so if you’re writing a paper or a dissertation or something with no progress, I’ll gladly do another post for that!

Step right up and welcome to Mickey’s....

Sit Yo Ass Down And Write Crash Course

1. Tip number uno:

Never sit your ass down and write. 

Hear me out, hear me out. If you’re anything like me, then you’re probably a serial procrastinator who’s always in desperate need to just not do what needs to be done. It’s quite simple. All you gotta do is trick that damn beautiful but procrastinating brain of yours. 

How? Well, I’m glad you asked!

I actually do my best writing standing in lines! Yup! Standing in lines has written some of the most intense scenes in PI. Hospital and airport waiting areas? Yup. Lotsa writing done there! Basically, if you find yourself waiting for something, pull up your phone and start writing. Half of PI was written on the subway, on buses, or in cars. I don’t know what it is, but my brain becomes hyperactive at that point. Like I have to finish writing this scene before reaching the front of the line or else I’ll make a fool of myself in front of the pretty barista lady.

For us procrastinators, we like to find any and every excuse not to work. But when you’re not actually working and your doing something else instead, our procrastinating brain doesn’t really identify the action as writing.

Believe it or not I never actually ‘sit down and write’. I only do so when I’m editing. During the editing process, I force myself to sit down on an actual chair, in front of an actual laptop/computer screen, use an actual keyboard, and edit! It’s brutal! Makes my procrastinating brain go antsy!

2. Tip number two:

If you get an idea, stop, drop, and type!

Don’t think about it. Don’t overthink the idea. Just jot it down on your phone. I don’t care if you were talking to someone and it would be rude to do so. Because as soon as you let go of that idea and say, “I’ll write it down later” then poof! it’s gone! 

Repeat after me: STOP. DROP. AND TYPE.

3. Tip number trzy (Polish):

never write perfectly from the start. 

Write in bullet form if you have to. Or just type the idea you have in your head. The more you pressure yourself to writing something perfectly, the more you’ll forget your idea. And this works with both story writing and academic writing as well.

Writing is a lot like drawing. You start with pencil, draw the basics - dialogue, single action,  main thing that happens - then using your pencil, draw some of the details - the he said she said parts, turn the actions into full sentences with adjectives and description - then lastly add in the color - the punctuation, the indentations, and the splitting of paragraphs - and finally you have a picture.

Let me give you an example. This is a simple scene that I’m gonna write on the spot from the random phrase “There’s no space for my ice cream”. (I initially screen recorded a video for you, but then when I came to upload it, I unfortunately realized that Tumblr doesn’t allow videos on asks....)

So here you see just random dialogue. No actions even.

Then I added dialogue above it. So what you write first doesn’t necessarily mean what’s gonna come first.

More dialogue and some action.

Here I started fixing it up. Added indentations. Set a scene with Lena being in the other room and all.

And then Tada!

So, As you can see, I start with basic dialogue, just what I think they might say (it changes a lot btw). Then I add some actions. Then I go back up and write more dialogue before the dialogue I started with. Then I go ahead and indent a few lines here and there. I write the saids (Kara called. Lena answered. She said. Kara exclaimed. Kara whined). And then add in some scenery as well.

And like I said, this works for story writing as well as academic. I used to do the same thing when I needed to write a paper. I would start simple. No big words. Just somewhat of an idea of what I want to write and build up from there.

4. Tip number quatre (French):

Watch to learn. 

This means that when you’re watching something, whether it’s a movie or a tv show, learn how the characters react. Their quirks, their nervous habits, everything and anything that makes them them. I can’t count how many times I had to rewind a movie because I was too busy noticing how the main character’s eyes would linger on the coffee table in front of her before she would say something painful. Or how if a character is shoved to the ground, which body part hits the ground first. Go through scenes of movies and tv shows and learn how people behave.

Movies and Tv-shows could also help you with how a character can cope a certain way or react in a certain way. For example, I was watching this show on Netflix called “Dead To Me” and the main character, her husband was killed in a hit-and-run by a speeding car. And part of her grief was that she would jot down the licence plate number of every car that was speeding and every car that had a bump at its front. That’s a detail of a specific form of grief. You could have your own character be obsessed with finding a cure to heart attacks if their SO died that way.

5. Tip number cinque (Italian):

Use real people as reference. 

Sit in a coffee shop and creepily watch a woman sitting in the corner table. You gotta act all stalkerish here for it to work! Now pretend that it’s your character that’s sitting there. Write down the little things that the woman might do that you’ll probably never even think of if you would have written the scene at home. Like how the woman’s head jerks up when a car passes by and she watches it through the glass window. How her foot taps on the floor to the rhythm of her music. How she frowns when she spills some coffee on her sketch book. Everything. The silly faces she does to the toddler sitting in the other table.

Use real people. If you’re writing a girl who’s somewhat tomboyish, maybe go to a skateboard park or something. Go to a fancy restaurant if you’re writing a rich old lady. A library if you’re writing a college student. 

6. Tip number lix (Somali):

Don’t write in order.

I cannot stress this enough. Write bottom to top. Middle to top. Middle to bottom. Write middle to bottom to middle again to top. Just don’t do it in order. Most of the time I write a paragraph thinking this is how I’m going to start my scene and it ends up being somewhere in the middle of all the chaos! Writing in order doesn’t make sense not even in essay writing. You never write an introduction first because you need a thesis. In order to have a thesis you need to know what the hell your body paragraphs are talking about. So, you start with your body. Not necessarily the first body paragraph either.

Write whatever comes to mind and figure out the order later. Chances are, it’ll change a billion times over before you commit to one. Writing in order gives your brain stress and in turn you’ll probably get a mental block. You’re too pressured to write the opening scene of the chapter that you forget what the hell happens in the end. And you lose that excitement, that flare you have to write the scenes that you had figured out in your head. Which sucks. Because it’s nearly impossible to get that back!

Also don’t worry about how you’ll combine everything in the end. That’s for the editing process, you’re not there yet. And from my experience, things tend to come together in the end on their own so you shouldn't worry too much.

7. Tip number seitsemän (Finnish):

Details, dude! They are everything!

(This one has nothing to do with being unable to write.... I realized this only AFTER I wrote it.....)

sometimes the details have nothing to do with the main characters, but writing them helps the reader feel like there’s a world there being lived beyond the characters he or she is reading about.

It paints a picture. And in writing, it’s very hard painting a picture with a white paper and some black ink. And that’s when details come in hand.

What I like to do is I like to zoom in on the scene I’m writing. Picture the scene in your head. Let’s take for example both characters are sitting on a bench in the park. Now pretend you have a pair of binoculars and zoom in on the scene. You’ll probably see a small ladybug that is sitting on the bench between them that one of the characters noticed but didn’t say anything because they know the other person is afraid of bugs. So they carefully pick it up without letting the other person know and they place it on the other side beside them. Or maybe you’ll realize there’s some carvings on the edge of the bench. A heart with an arrow and two letters on each end. Your character will probably wonder who the letters belong to, what were their names, and whether or not she and the other person would ever carve their own letters on a bench somewhere.

Details make a simple scene of two people sitting beside one another, into a whole picture of everything around them. 

8. Tip number osm (Czech):

Do research!

Top weird things I had to do a ton of research about for my stories:

How to build a gas bomb that you could release through the ventilation system of a buildingWhat kind of metal are the batarangs made of?How to bring someone back from the dead?How much space do you need to build a rocket and is a football field enough?How high should a person’s IQ be for them to be considered ‘genius’ level of smartQuantum Mechanics and matter reconfiguration devicesintracortical microstimulation (whatever that is) and how to use it to create the sense of touch in amputee limbs

The list goes on, trust me!

But research gives you an idea of where to begin. Sometimes, you don’t even know what it is you’re writing and you get ideas from your research. Research gives your readers a realistic sense to your world. Even if it’s not real. Even if all you’ve written is fake. They don’t know that! But what they do know is that your character is hella smart and can create a device using intracortical microstimulation to help create the sense of touch in amputee limbs!

Fun fact: Watch "True Memoirs of an International Assasin”. It’s on Netflix. And it’s every writer’s nightmare. It explains just how much we writers would go for that small detail. It shows you the depths we will take to ensure we know every detail of what it is we’re writing about! Highly recommended for every writer out there!

9. Tip number dokuz (Turkish):

If you’re stuck, act it out!

Yup, you heard me! Get yo ass off that chair and start practicing for your next Oscar because you’r gonna act out the scene you wanna write. Say your character just entered her house and called out to their spouse without a response. Go inside your own house and start jotting down the details of what you see. Your character will probably notice the lack of shoes. How the kitchen light isn’t turned on. Or the hum of the dishwasher not present. No keys in the bowl. All small things that they slowly realize before actually realizing that no one was home.

Acting also gives you ideas on how someone would react. Walk into your own house and imagine finding out you’ve been robbed. All your stuff is everywhere. Now, realistically - and I mean really really realistically - you wouldn’t freak out. At least not physically on the outside. You wouldn’t start jumping and shouting and go looking in your room if your cash is gone.

Because your brain needs time to process. You would have questions. Lots of them. Is the thief still here? Should I call the police? No, what if this is a prank. Is this a prank? Who would prank me like this? Your eyes would go around the room, noting down all the details there. The broken glass, the opened drawers, the thrown pillows. Use your own surroundings to imagine what a robbed place would look like.

10. Tip number umi (Hawaiian):

Always remember, each character is different.

(Realized this one also has nothing to do with being stuck and not being able to write and more to do with character writing... I think I went off topic....)

I always find stories where all the characters are practically written the same way. The dialogue is really generic. Because the writer isn’t really imagining as each character being a separate entity. They’re all characters of a story to them. The way one character talks is often if not always never the same way another character talks. AND a certain character will talk differently depending on who they’re talking with.

Give each of your characters certain attributes or quirks that they add to their dialogue. Like how the more sophisticated one chooses to say ‘darling’ instead of ‘babe’ or how one of them speaks in short and concise sentences having served time in the army and taught that each word counts. I know this tip isn’t that important, but I’ve seen a lot of writers do this mistake where all the dialogue is the same. And that’s because they’re trying so hard to move the story along that they forget that they need time for the characters to react and process differently.

Similarly, make sure that you know that each character reacts differently. I’ve fallen into this mistake several times actually to be honest. This one time I wrote a whole scene where I had Lena be super happy about something (can’t remember what it was) with someone she wasn’t too close with and then I remembered that she’s more reserved than Kara. She less trusting so she rarely shows her genuine side to others unless she knows them to be worthy or good. She’s not too open so she wouldn’t show her happiness by jumping around and screaming with joy. Whereas Kara! Oh, Kara! She would hug the mailman when she would be happy! And she’s probably best friends with her pizza delivery guy! Had to do multiple rewrites whenever I would do that mistake.

11. Tip number vienuolika (Lithuanian):

Drink Green Tea.

Repeat after me: Drink. Green. Tea.

No explanation necessary. Tea is life.

[vapaus-ystavyys-tasaarvo]

Three Musketeers readalong intro

I wasn’t prepared for this at all but I’m jumping in anyway! (Sorry I haven’t been around for Les Mis stuff so much lately even though this is a Les Mis blog…)

I haven’t read anything yet but I’m just gonna ramble about my history with this book series because it goes way back. WAAAAY back.

So my introduction to The Three Musketeers was this show:

Or… more accurately its sequel:

You know how as a kid you’d never actually see the show from the beginning? You always just jumped in randomly halfway through or something. Well we somehow managed to miss the entire first series originally and jumped in when they started airing the sequel in Finnish. Then later we caught the original series in English with Finnish subs later for some reason idek.

Anyway my brother and I absolutely loved this show as kids. We taped EVERY EPISODE and we rewatched them CONSTANTLY. We had mum make us musketeer uniforms and buy us a pair of those cheap ass plastic épées and we had so much fun.

In retrospect the show was ridiculously royalist (which seems to be a common fault in adaptations) but hey, it was still a ton of fun.

Then we got a bit older and we discovered THIS MOVIE at the local video rental store:

I have no idea what this movie even has to do with the novel or if anybody making it had even read it but… this was even more fun than the show and for a while we just kept renting it every time we were allowed to rent a movie.

So at this point my obsession with The Three Musketeers is mostly all about fun adventures and friendship and some vague but extremely cliché political intrigue.

Then around 12 or 13 I finally read the books! And they were honestly nothing like what I’d expected but in a good way? The characters and the plot were so much more complex and interesting and there was all this tragedy but also it was SO FUNNY and at points heartwarming in a way that I hadn’t been prepared for. (The only book I didn’t like was one that I later found out was actually not written by Dumas or Maquet even though the copy I found in the local library attributed it to Dumas.)

So there I go, getting obsessed AGAIN. And at the time my brother and I were in this amateur theatre group and we kept pestering the director to let us do The Three Musketeers. I even tried writing a script for it (which was way too long and pretty much just the novel in script form, it was not very good as an adaptation lol). Anyway eventually the director agreed (like two years later but I was happy anyway). Not with my script, to be clear, she wrote her own. I don’t think it turned out to be a very good adaptation either but we had fun. We got to learn stage fencing! And even some real fencing! There were these two older guys in the theatre group who had taken fencing classes and studied stage fighting and they gave us lessons which was really fun. They also choreographed the fights.

I played Aramis btw, because he was my fave. Don’t ask me why, I just like him. It was probably terrible casting because at the time I was the tallest and biggest person in the group, plus one of the loudest, and I probably should have played Porthos, who was more along the lines of the kinds of roles I’d played before anyway, but I wanted to play Aramis because he was my favourite character and the director just let me. The guy who played Porthos was like 12 (I think) and he was the tiniest, skinniest 12-year-old I’ve ever seen. Basically half my size. It was hilarious.

(I’m not going to go into the many many different kinds of bad luck that plagued this production. Pretty much everything that could go wrong did go wrong just before the premier and we had to cancel most of the showings. It was honestly pretty bad in so many ways. But it was still a great experience overall, at least for me. I was lucky enough that all that I personally had to deal with was a bit of a flu.)

Anyway, it might not have been a great play but I’m glad I got to do it. After that I kind of got into other things though and didn’t really think about The Three Musketeers so much anymore. I don’t think I’ve actually read the book since then? So that would be about 16-17 years ago. I tried to read it in French once but… that didn’t go anywhere lol. I HAVE seen a bunch of other adaptations since then though. I actually love watching adaptations of these books because they’re always fun even when they’re bad and inaccurate.

I am so excited to rediscover everything with you guys!

[finnishfun]

#SpeakingIn20 Challenge - Day 12 - 25 August

I listened back this week’s recordings. I think there were great topics that I’ve more or less talked about before so I had a general idea and could learn some new words and ways to say things. I always recognize new errors I made that I didn’t realize I was making lol but I guess I’ll become more aware of what I’m saying. I forgot to save yesterday’s recording (rip 23 minutes) so I did it again shortly just to know what I was talking about. And finally today’s topic is languages!

So I ended up talking for about 28 minutes, the recording is too big for Tumblr and I couldn’t figure out how to cut it. I made a transcript anyway (this took me ages to type), because some of it turned out to be quite good and I wasn’t sure of some stuff so if anyone has a lot of time to read, corrections welcome :)

Miten opiskelen suomea?

Kun aloitin, ensin minulla oli sovellus tabletissa. Se ei ollut niin hyödyllistä, mutta oli hyvä alku. (hauska sana, koska “alku” on myös unkarilainen sana). Sitten ostin Teach Yourself-kirjan ja opin siitä. Tein blogini Tumblrissa ja löysin langblr:ta ja ihmisiä, jotka ovat suomalaisia tai opiskelevat suomea. Käytin myös Memrisetä, joka oli käytännöllistä, koska opin sanoja, mutta sitten oli tyhmää. Käytin Clozemasterta, jossa voi harjoitella lauseita. Minusta se on käytännöllisempä. Tietysti Duolingossa ei ole suomen kurssi, mutta sitä nyt tehdään. Löysin myös kielikirjoja PDF-muodossa. Kun olin lopettanut Teach Yourself-kirjan, aloitin käyttää Suomen Mestari-kirjaa. Nyt käytän Suomen Mestari 3:tta. Luen kirjoja, koska minusta se on tärkeää. Esimerkiksi aloitin lukea ensimmäistä Harry Potter -kirjaa, haluan jatkaa sitä pian. Luin yhden Muumi -kirjan ja luen nyt toista Muumi -kirjaa. Luen myös uutiset netissä ja posteja Tumblrissa. Ne ovat usein puhekielenä ja voin oppia uusia sanoja ja slangia. Harjoittelen kuuntelemista paljon. Tykkään suomalaisesta musiikista, esimerkiksi kuuntelen paljon Haloo Helsingin lauluja. Katson suomalaisia TV-ohjelmia, sarjoja tai filmejä. Youtubessa löysin piirroselokuvia suomeksi, esimerkiksi Nalle Puh. Katson myös Selkouutiset Yle:n sivussa. Yritän myös oppia Suomesta ja kulttuurista. Minusta Tumblrissa on hauska suomen kulttuuri. Seuraan suomalasia blogeja, yritän ymmärtää memejä ja oppia nettikulttuurista.

How do I study Finnish?

When I started I had an app on my tablet. It wasn’t very useful, but it was a good start. (”alku” is a funny word because it’s also a Hungarian word but it means “deal” there) Then I bought the Teach Yourself-book and learnt from that. I made my blog on Tumblr and I found langblr, people who are Finnish or learn Finnish. I also used Memrise, which was useful because I learnt words but then it was boring. I used Clozemaster where you can practise sentences. I think that is more useful. Of course there is no Finnish course on Duolingo but it is being made now. I also found textbooks in PDF. When I finished the Teach Yourself book I started Suomen Mestari. Now I’m using the 3rd book. I read books because I think it is important. E.g. I started reading the first HP book, I want to continue it soon. I read one Moomin book and I’m reading another now. I also read the news online and posts on Tumblr. They are usually in spoken Finnish and I can learn new words and slang. I practise listening a lot. I like Finnish music, e.g. I listen to a lot of Haloo Helsinki songs. I watch Finnish TV programs, series or movies. On Youtube I found cartoons in Finnish, e.g. Winnie the Pooh. I also watch Selkouutiset on YLE’s website. I try to learn about Finland and culture. I think there is a funny Finnish culture on Tumblr. I follow Finnish blogs, trying to understand memes and learn about internet culture.

Mistä tykkään suomesta?

Kaikesta. :D Tykkään erityisesti, miten suomi kuulostaa. Minusta se on tosi kaunis kieli, erityisesti kun kuuntelen musiikkia. Tykkään, kun löydän sanoja, jotka ovat samanlaisia kuin unkariksi. Olen tosi kiinnostunut yhteyksistä suomen ja unkarin kielten välillä.

What do I like about Finnish?

Everything. Especially how it sounds. I think it’s a very beautiful language, especially when I listen to music. I like when I find words that are similar in Hungarian. I’m very interested in the connections between Finnish and Hungarian.

Mikä on vaikea suomessa?

Kielioppia voi sanotaan vaikeaksi. Kun aloitin, se oli hämmentävää ja monimutkaista minulle. Mitä enemmän opin, sitä enemmän ymmärrän, ja ymmärrän, miten se toimii.

What is difficult in Finnish?

Grammar could be said to be difficult. [idk if I said this right with the passive] When I started it was confusing and complex to me. The more I learn the more I understand and I understand how it works.

Miten kielten opiskelu muutti minua?

Luulen, että suomen opiskelu oli tosi vaikuttavaa minulle. Suomi on ensimmäinen kieli, jota opiskelen näin. Se on mielenkiintoinen kokemus minulle. Olin motivoinut opiskelemaan muita kieliä. Olen kiinnostunut enemmän Suomesta, matkustamisesta ja kielistä. Puhuminen on iso asia minulle. Ensin en uskaltanut puhua ollenkaan, sitten aloitin harjoitella ja olin itsevarmampi.

How did language learning change me?

I think learning Finnish was really influential for me. Finnish is the first language I study this way. It is an interesting experience. I was motivated to learn other languages. I’m more interested in Finland, traveling and languages. Speaking is a big thing for me. First I didn’t dare to speak at all, then I started practising and got more confident.

Muista kielistä

Aloitin oppia saksaa viime vuonna. Ensin minulla oli kurssi töissä. Se kesti vain pari kuukautta ja en oppinut siellä paljon. Opiskelin myös Duolingossa, Memrisessa, Clozemasterissa ja käytin pari kirjoja. Nyt harjoittelen enimmäkseen Duolingossa. En ole varma, jos pidän saksasta, koska olen aina ajatellut, että se on vaikea ja ruma kieli. Mutta se on okei. Kielioppi on vähän vaikeaa ja opin hitaasti mutta toivottavasti se on hyödyllistä.

About other languages

I started learning German last year. First I had a course at work. It only lasted a few months and I didn’t learn much there. I also studied on Duolingo, Memrise, Clozemaster and used some books. Now I’m mostly practising on Duo. I’m not sure I like German, because I always thought it was hard and “ugly”. But it is okay. The grammar is a bit difficult and I’m learning slowly but hopefully it will be useful.

Pari kuukautta sitten löysin vanhat ranskat kirjani. Opin koulussa neljä vuotta ja nyt voin oppia vähän uudelleen. Harjoittelen kirjasta, Duolingossa ja Memrisessa, kun minulla on aikaa. Ranska ei ole helppo kieli, mutta olen jo oppinut sitä ja nyt muistan paljon.

A few months ago I found my old French books. I learnt French for four years at school and now I wanted to learn some again. I practise from the book, on Duolingo and Memrise when I have time. It is not an easy language, but I’ve already learnt it and now I remember a lot.

Aloitin opiskella ruotsia, kun paras ystäväni kertoi minulle hänen ruotsalaisesta lempibändistään. Ostin Teach Yourself-kirjan ja harjoittelin Duolingossa, kun kurssi alkoi. Kun teen tämän blogin, opiskelin myös enemmän ruotsia Duolingossa ja Memrisessä. Luin myös kirjoja ja katsoin sarjoja. Nyt minulla ei ole paljon aikaa opiskelemiseen, mutta yritän tehdä enemmän koska en halua unohtaa, mitä jo tiedän. Ruotsi ei ollut niin vaikeaa minulle, koska kielioppi on vähän samanlaista kuin englanti ja oli myös helppo oppia sanoja. Nyt on hyödyllistä, että tiedän vähän ruotsia, koska monet suomalaiset sanat ovat ruotsista.

I started learning Swedish when my best friend told me about her favourite Swedish band. I bought the Teach Yourself-book and practised on Duolingo when the course started. When I made this blog I also studied more Swedish on Duo and Memrise. I also read books and watched series. Now I don’t have much time to study but I’ll try to do more because I don’t want to forget what I already know. It wasn’t so hard for me because the grammar is a bit similar to English and words were also easy to learn. Now it’s useful I know some Swedish because many Finnish words are from Swedish.

[diaboluslapis]

Ryukishi07′s Q&A at Animecon in Finland

Full Q&A video:

Part 1: https://youtu.be/DBQe_zsF-tk

Part 2: https://youtu.be/WOh-MWhv4UE

Translation under the cut:

Part 1:

Interviewer: Could you start out with explaining how your career started and how the circle 07th Expansion was born?

Ryukishi07: It’s a very boring story, but I just thought about what I wanted to do with my life and simply decided to try what I wanted to do, and this is what happened!

I: Your career started in doujinshi circuits. What’s it like making games for an audience similar to Comiket?

R: I did work for an audience similar to Comiket happening in August and it’s been very stressful but also rewarding.

I: Wasn’t there another happening in December as well?

R: For the happening in August there’s a lot of time to do work to prepare, but for the happening in December there’s only 4 months to prepare which makes it harder.

I: Could you tell us how your masterpiece Higurashi no Naku Koro ni was born?

R: I got an idea from the American movie The Blair Witch Project and thought it’d be fun to make a Japanese version of the movie’s scenario.

I: Higurashi is told through many stories that raise questions about the plot, questions which are then answered in the later games. Where did the idea for constructing the plot like this come from?

R: By drinking Coca-Cola, you get a lot of ideas! *laughter*

I: Which character is your favourite in Higurashi?

R: It depends a lot on when you ask the question because it changes for me all the time, but at the moment it’s Satoko Hojo.

I: 07th Expansion’s games are described as sound novels, where the world of sound plays an important role. How does this affect the writing?

R: For example, you can hear sound in an anime. I wanted to combine anime, manga and visual novels and create my own coherent ”chain”.

I: Your games have been released for various consoles. PC, Playstation, and Nintendo DS. Do you have a favourite console?

R: At the moment it’s either Playstation 4 or Nintendo Switch.

I: The When They Cry series later became very popular and was made into manga, anime and even movie adaptions. How does this popularity feel?

R: I’m very grateful for all the support that I get from everyone.

I: Was it possible to imagine, when making the first Higurashi, that it would ever become this popular?

R: In my dreams I thought it’d be amazing to become that popular, but of course it was still a surprise.

I: Nowadays a lot of visual novels use shocking and horror elements. Do you feel like Higurashi was a ”trendsetter” in that regard?

R: I feel like works like that existed before as well, I don’t feel like a ”trendsetter”. I’m an especially big fan of Kamaitachi no Yoru, it was an inspiration for me because it was also connected to horror, so I wanted to a work with horror as well. It was presumed that sound novels were mostly based on horror, but nowadays you can find a lot of cute girls in them as well. But even these cute girls can be horrifying! *laughter*

I: After the Higurashi series, there was Umineko no Naku Koro ni. What inspired you to write it?

R: I wanted to make a more Western-based story, since I previously made a story based on Japanese country life.

I: Did you have to do any background research for writing Umineko?

R: I went to a small island where there was believed to be a ghost. Of course there was no ghost but I tried to capture the feeling from that island, but since there wasn’t actually a ghost there I had to come up with some white lies in my work. *laughter* It was challenging, since there wasn’t actually anything on that island.

I: What motivated you to show clearer answers in the Umineko manga?

R: Because as the final release, I thought it would make it special.

I: In Umineko there is a character named Yasu, whose persona and feelings are presented to the reader indirectly through the stories she has written. How was the process of creating this character?

R: From the start, I had considered a character who was a criminal, but then felt like that would be too extra, and so I ended up with a character like Yasu.

I: There are apparently plans for a new episode of Umineko, could you tell us about this?

R: There will be a new character, who will be revealed soon, so be prepared for that.

I: There is also a new When They Cry game in the works, could you tell us more about this?

 Part 2:

R: It will be more international this time, and there might even be a Finnish character!

I: Higurashi refers to cicadas, while Umineko refers to seagulls. Do you already know what the next When They Cry series will refer to?

R: I haven’t decided yet, but I want it to have the same theme, like being connected to plants and rain. It’s still in the works, please wait and be excited.

I: Do you know if the new part will be released in English?

R: If someone is ready to translate, then absolutely. My English abilities aren’t enough for this.

I: What’s your opinion on the games being translated to English and gaining an international audience?

R: I’m very thankful and appreciate that people have been able and wanted to translate my works. I see a lot of appreciation for the translators and they’ve definitely had a lot to work with.

I: You’ve previously worked with Key Studio on their game Rewrite. Rewrite’s art director Itaru Hinoue also visited Finland this year. When working on Rewrite, did the two of you get to work together?

R: Yes, it was our first time working together.

I: Who are your favourite characters from the game Trianthology?

R: There are a lot of characters, but Alice is my favourite.

I: A game called Iwaihime is also in the works. Could you tell us about this?

R: I was asked for a horror work and I decided that since there are primarily two types of horror in Japan, creepy horror and horror that focuses on monsters, I wanted to bring these two types of horror out in the finished work.

I: Video games are very popular today, perhaps more than ever before. How well do you think visual novels are surviving in the video game genre?

R: I hope that it could become as big of a thing as novels, anime and manga, and I think it has a chance, but at the moment smart phone games are more popular in Japan, which makes me a bit sad but I’m still hopeful.

I: Which work you’ve written are you most satisfied with?

R: A very hard question... *laughter* It’s always the one I’ve most recently released that I’m the most satisfied with.

I: How do you stay motivated when writing?

R: At the moment I’m very motivated simply because work is work, but previously my motivation was that I played war video games on the Xbox and when I lost, it made me so angry that I wanted to work! *laughter*

I: You said that your most recent work is always the one you’re most happy with. If you could go back and change something about an earlier work like Higurashi or Umineko, would you change anything?

R: I gave it my all, so there’s nothing I would like to change. If I changed something, that would make it an entirely different story. A lot of people ask me about going back 10 years in time, but 10 years back in time would mean that the pages would be empty, there wouldn’t be any text yet, which would probably mean playing a lot of games!

I: What other hobbies do you have beside playing war video games?

R: All kinds of killing games!

I: What’s your favourite anime?

R: Girls und Panzer.

I: What’s your favourite game?

R: Even though I like war video games, I also like zombie video games.

I: What’s the best thing about your work?

R: The state of flow, when you’re so focused on your work that you forget to eat and even to go to the bathroom.

I: When you write a story, how do you come up with the characters? Do you get any inspiration from other characters or real people?

R: I want to connect older characters to newer characters, it’s very important to me to make that connection. But sometimes when playing games I just see a character that I think is cute and it gives me inspiration.

I: Have you ever thought about adding your old characters in a new game, like for example having the characters from Higurashi in a new story?

R: Inside my head, these characters are my friends, but now that the work on that story is done, these characters are gone. But if I had to work with the same story, the characters would probably return back into my head.

I: What advice do you have to aspiring writers and visual novel creators?

R: Seriously or not seriously? It’s important to think of your own style. If you want to make it your job, it’s very important to know what your own thing is. There are three different styles: liking money, wanting praise from other people, and just liking writing. So if you like writing, but also like getting money from it, that’s very good! You should consider, even though there are people who write and write and write without making money, money is still a big motivation. And even though you like getting money, you should also want to write because you enjoy it, that’s more important.

I: What kind of stories do you like writing the most?

R: Of course it’s fun to think about women with big boobs, but it’s also fun to think about environmental issues... *laughter*

I: You’re mostly known for writing games, but would you ever want to try making an anime?

R: I don’t think I’m good enough at drawing for creating it, but if someone else would do that I would be very proud and happy.

I: Our interview is coming to a close. Is there still anything you would like to tell the audience?

R: I want to complain about how warm Finland is, I had heard about how cold Finland is and only brought long-sleeved shirts, and then I got here and it was sultry and far too warm, so I would like to say that nobody told me Finland would be warm!

[multapohja966]

All of them (as requested jdkdk) 👀

ahhah thank you!!

(put it under a read more)

1. describe your idea of a perfect datei haven’t really thought about this… i think it’s something involving coffee, but i think having some alone time with the person is important to me.and.. this might be a hilly billy thing but going to some nature place they/me connect to their youth is cool.

2. whats your “type”strong personality and oppinionated is propably the most important. but you have to have a will to think and to a certain extent see all of your oppinions as up for debate. people who do not care about what others think and express themselves how they want!! and i quess i like masculine girls and feminine boys.

3. do you want kids?hmmm… jeah i have sometimes thought of myself as a parent and liked the thought. but it’s such a huge responsobility that i don’t really know what the reality of it would be.

4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth?hmmm well i already know that i won’t be the one giving birth. i see adoption as a really valid option, but jeah im not that far into considering kids.

5. describe the cutest date you’ve ever been oni’ve been on an official date like once and it was absolutely awful. but there’s this other time i hung out with this dude i liked and im like 90% sure he liked me too at the time but we were both socially incapable suckers. but jeah we rode our bikes on a summer evening and he showed me the place he goes to when he wants to be alone, which was this solid rock hill that had a view of the biggest swamp i had ever seen. was really dope

6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?)you come to my virgin jack-off house….

7. are you a morning time gay or night time gay?night time. i’m so bad at funktionin during the day.

8. opinion on nap dates?haven’t really tried but from ecperience i have with friends i think it’s such a good way to create trust

9. opinion on brown eyes?very nice. especially those almost black ones and that hazel color stuff.

10. dog gay or cat gay?dog gay!!

11. would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles?YES!!

12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someone?not really that experienced with commitment (i love being trans in a small village smh) but propably i just need to know they’re mature enough.

13. what is a misconception you had about lgb people before you realized you were one?hmmm idk i didn’t really have much exposion to them but i guess i kinda had this thought they were super different from the people around me? the typical thing bad representation brings.

14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger selfbeing something different isn’t bad. you don’t have to compensate being lgbt+ with aggressively being something “normal” for people to not leave you. be nice and appreachable and mature, but you won’t gain anything from trying to please the people who are more easy to digest/”park of the mass”. it won’t work and it’ll be hard to accept that people see fault in even small things, but when you be yourself and express yourself greatly enough with confdence, THEN people will be drawn to you.

15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders?jeah…. i really like men who are like sensitive and skinny and like i hate this but like: beta males (ajndfljns). but in women i adore the basic strong muscular and huge woman with a confident and relaxed nature. i haven’t really thought about a specific type when it comes to nb people. because “stylistic/creative” is a bit too broad

16. who is an ex you regret?hmmm i don’t really think i regret any.

17. night club gay or cafe gay?cafe gay. clubbing is okay sometimes with good company and enough alcohol in my system but if im sober-ish and with some people i hate it. (also i have mostly been to straight clubs  and ffff i don’t fit there at all and it gets bad if i start to think about it)

18. who is one person you would “go straight” forbi..

19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?all.

20. favourite gay ship (canon or not)uuhhf.. hmmmmm.. bumblebee?

21. favourite gay youtubermiles jai

22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?prolly not. but it’s a grey line since i did some romantic shit as femme representing when i was in the trans closet.

23. have you ever been in love?yes. it was such a defining feeling for me

24. have you ever been heartbroken?yeah, but i’m kind of embarrassed by it

25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someonethis is something it think about a lot as a trans masc person, but i have always thought that despite my taste in men/masc people and my ideal look often being intertwining (those young artsy gopnik -aesthetic boys are the ideal look for me lol) the feelings of “i want to be like that” and “i want to date that” have always been clearly different for me.

26. favourite lgb musician/banddoes tyler the creator count? because he’s propably an artist i relate to and admire the most. ohhhhh lil peep is the same too. also kevin abstract, he means the world.

27. what is a piece of advice you have for young / baby gaysit’s hard to live in a society that doesn’t always give you the same possibilities because of your identity. but try to see it in a healthy light and compromice only on things that don’t hurt your identity and who you are. you’re allowed to be weird and controversial and it doesn’t matter what people think because it’s them who are shallow and small minded. but remember that things you have to do as a person who’s part of a society need to be taken care of for your own health! :D (and queer excellense heh)

28. are you out? if so how did you come outyes. well.. ACTUALLY i never came out about my sexuality??? i never saw it as necessary. i think my parents know tho, i don’t really think about it. huh.. how weird i didn’t even realise. i’m “out” to almost everyone tho cause im super open about it.

my gender was a more complicated issue. i first came out to my closest friends. then to some friends who weren’t really lgbt+ informed (and they were all so supportive!) then to my mom. then to everyone else in instagram. the last and most hard was my dad, who has always supported me in everything, but isn’t really informed about stuff like that and is the typical old school finnish man. he was supportive too! at the moment the only one who doesn’t know is my grandma.

29. what is the most uncomfortable / strange coming out experience you have coming out to my dad lmao. cause he didn’t know what i mean XDD i thought that in light of resent lgbt+ visibility he would have at least heard about nonbinary people but he just didn’t know so i had to explain and jeahh.

30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexualityi have pretty safe surrounding so im not completely sure what i can say.. but from my experience i want to say that despite how it always seems and feels, people are empathetic. people truly are understanding. no person wants harm, we’re all just so confused and misinformed. people will understand and change their ways if you give them your honest self because they are just confused. the most beautiful and supportive words ive gotten in regards to my identity are from a cishet boy in a party, who previously had really toxic and mean perception of nb people, but after i came out to him and we talked about the whole thing. he gave me this whole speech about how i should always be myself and not let anyone give me shit. honestly i get a bit teary sometimes when i think about it. but jea, there’s this raw goodness in people that i often forget exists, but it is there.

[karkkidoeswriting]

25 Questions Tag

Thank you @rosecorcoranwrites for tagging me! :)

1. Is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason? I’ve been holding of a murder mystery novel I was planning about year? two? ago. At some point I realized I’m not ready for it, not because it would need better writing than fantasy, but more like I felt I didn’t understand our own world good enough yet (does that make sense?) and didn’t yet had the means and patience to do enough research to get the understanding.

2. What work of yours, if any, are you embarrassed about existing? Oh boy... Many. The bright side is, I’m so bad at finishing anything I start that I have never finished a full length novel. (Though I’ve written many and many terrible things that only counts as short stories because of length.) I remember writing starting a fantasy story in high school or primary school where main character was a prince of tyrannical kingdom and suddenly he changed to a black panther (not the superhero) and couldn’t change back. Of course he came across the shape shifting rebels and there was of course this girl that turned into a tiger and of course they didn’t get along but we all know how that ended up. I’m pretty sad that it was so many computers ago it is lost forever.

3. What order do you write in? Front of book to back? Chronological? Favorite scenes first? Something else? Chronologically. As character exercises I tend to write my favorite scenes as I invent them, but usually they don’t end up in the novel or at least without some changing.

4. Favorite character you’ve written? Would you pick a favorite of your own children??

5. Character you were most surprised to end up writing? I’ll go with Valeri. He is not the usual type to end up my main character and that is the precise reason I made him. I don’t want to limit myself with writing only characters I would like in real life. I definitely wouldn’t like him if I met him, but I like him as a character. 6. Something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now? There are no such changes for me. I have started my current wip three times from the scratch. If I feel there is such a big change that should be made I drop the project for a while and think about it. If I still want to write it, I make the change, if I have fell out of love, I move on. (Also as I’ve never get so far as the finish, it is possible.)

7. When asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write? Embarrassed... Usually I’m not shy and I’m pretty confident in myself, not caring really what other think, except when it comes to writing. I’m not really sure what is it, but I think it’s that I’m pretty private person and writing is something I do right from the hearth.

8. Favorite genre to write I like historical fiction so much too (also mystery), but I have to say fantasy. I just love the world building!! At same extend you can’t do that much world building in any other genre (except scifi), and I love it.

9. What, if anything, do you do for inspiration? Read books and read especially non-fiction. Most of the time reality is stranger than fiction. 10. Write in silence or with background music? Alone or with others? Definitely alone and mostly in silence. Though sometimes instrumental music (ambient, classical or movie music)

11. What aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing? I don’t know, I had so many flaws (still do) that I can’t really say what I was worst at.

12. Your weaknesses as an author? Firstly: finishing the god damn thing. Secondly: action scenes and writing action overall 13. Your strengths as an author? Characters and world 14. Do you make playlists for your work? Sometimes but rarely use them as I prefer silence :D 15. Why did you start writing? I had so many things in my head I wanted to put on paper. It’s my form of self-expression.  16. Are there any characters who haunt you? Currently Valeri. I can’t get him of my mind :D

17. If you could give your fledgling author self any advice, what would it be?

Do and outline, decide ending before starting. Outlining isn’t for everyone but it is sure worth trying. And you start with FIRST draft, it is something like a sketch, so just write it, don’t think too much. Then you can write second, and third and as many drafts as you need.

18. Were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? What were they? I would argue that everything that I’ve read have affected my writing style, some more than others. Nothing very clear, I think. Of course Harry Potter, almost anyone my age can say that, but I’ve read so little lately that I really don’t remember how each author writes. 19. When it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.? With Drive. I have docs where I write all the names of the characters, no matter how unimportant they were, and tell in few words who they are. I organize the docs by area. Then I have a docs named ‘timeline’. There I have all the historical events as well as main events of the story listed by year and month. Also I have list of character arcs and subplots for every main character.  And then of course I have list of chapters and events in each, also some notes on the chapter. As you can see I like listing things. I fill all the lists as I go along. 20. Do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts? I either don’t write at all or I sit down straight seven hours and write non-stop. I don’t have in between mood

21. What do you think when you read over your older work Depends how old :D If its a few years old, it’s surprisingly good. If its about five years old it’s in the awkward zone where it is bad, but not bad enough to be funny, reading them makes hurt inside. Everything older than that is just super funny. 22. Are there subjects that make you uncomfortable to write? Not really. I’m not planning on (at least yet) showing my writing for anyone but here in internet where no one knows me and for my boyfriend who know me inside out and I have nothing to lose :D so I feel I can write literally anything. Only thing I can think of is sex scenes. I really like smut but I’m pretty bad at it, as I don’t want it to feel erotica but also I don’t want it to be censored or too vague. 23. Any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing? Hard to name anything specific as I believe that all life experience helps writing. You know, when you write about people and life, I really helps to be people and live. 24. Have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story? While starting to write Saga of a Shieldmaiden, I became kind of a expert on Finnish mythology and life and history of Vikings. My knowledge was very limited on both subjects before that. Also for a murder mystery novel (that I mentioned in the first question) I read a criminology book.

25. Copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of. I answered same question before in another tag game, and I’m now too lazy to translate another paragraph. So this one is from the original Saga of a Shieldmaiden (that I’m now revising). It might be a bit too long though.

Something big was moving around me as I felt the water flowing differently. In the thickening darkness I couldn’t see anything. Or maybe I had my eyes closed, I couldn’t be sure.

It is not the sea that is suffocating you. It is the fear. You reek of it. You are so full of fear, it is dripping out of your throat. So full, your breath cannot flow.

I felt a touch on my throat. It was not a touch of a human. It was not a hand of a human. Massive crooked claw rested on my neck. The claw was rough and stony hard, full of scales. Sharp end of the nail pressed against the skin of my throat without piercing it. I felt a breath of a warm current behind my back. One breath caused so strong tide, it would have wiped me away, if the claw wouldn’t have kept me put.

Let the water into your lungs. Let the salt clean you of fear.

Every moment without air led me deeper into the dark, closer to death. Maybe he was the Death. I turned to look over my shoulder. To my horror I was faced by great, scaled, sharp-fanged head. A head of a dragon. It’s long serpentine body seemed to extend twisting into the endless blackness. The silvery scales glowed in the darkness of the sea and the deep-blue wells that were his eyes looked at me without blinking.

I’ll tag @lady-redshield-writes, @coda-wolf, @alittle-writer, @starlitesymphony and @plaguecraft! :)

[cnox]

Rowen for Distant Mirror Zine #1.* ROWEN is a project between Cristahel and Cantrith Knox. They play a subgenre of the dark ambient / dungeon synth movement they call Mythical Electronic. They have years of experience and also operate Hollow Myths in New England. I thank them for their contribution to the first issue of Distant Mirror. First, Rowen is a collaborative effort between Canrith and Cristahel Knox - do you have specialties which you like to focus on when creating (someone runs the drums and arrangement, someone finds the melodies)?

Eve, Thanx for the interview. We both play synths, drum machines and write together.  As of now, when playing live, Criss handles the synths, vocal whisperings and I play the electronic drums. Along with our visuals, fog and lighting. We are introducing more vocals on some new songs. In the studio, we also add our field recordings and percussion as part of composing. We sit and mix each song side by side.    

Tell us about your musical histories before forming Rowen, because its somewhat obvious you both have experience which maybe led to the result of what Rowen is on "Ashen Spirit"!

Both of us have electronic music in our past. Cristahel with Minimal Synth and I with Darkbeat. One of the first ideas we had for Rowen was to start all over. As part of the experiment, finding ourselves and each other through making music anew. See and hear our music become it's own entity. We started developing the concept in '14, in '16 we began recording and had our first release in '18. We set out with a clear vision of what we want to do with Rowen.

Also tell us how you discovered music and what your first true love in music was... How did you come to find music that would lead you to this underworld of music culture?

Canrith: I discovered music on a radio at age 3. First, second and third grade, I would stay up nights crashing on Ritalin (due to being diagnosed as Hyperactive) watching the first ever music videos on a UHF channel in Colorado called FMTV which predated MTV by a year or two. Laurie Anderson - O Superman, Kraftwerk, Barnes & Barnes - Fish Heads videos all had a great impact on me as a kid. During that time, late 70's - early 80's, I was hooked on the music and image of both Kiss and Devo. One of the first albums I owned was AC/DC - Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap on cassette that I purchased at K-Mart. Summer '81 NYC, I saw the first video air on MTV. Later, watching another UHF channel out of Boston called V66. Heavy Metal led me to the Black Metal and the dark electronic music underground. Dark Ambient and Dark Dungeon Music have always been a particular interest of mine. Mail order distro tapes and free box extras in orders started my collection as far back as the mid 90's. In the late 90's, I got really into BM, then obsessed in '03 onward, as many UGBM labels and distros were rising on the web. We are also into Minimal, Martial, Electro, Techno, New Beat, Cosmic, Italo, 8-bit, Video Game, Soundtrack, Old School Dungeon Synth, Winter Synth and so on...

Cristahel: My first exposure to music as a child was through my grandfather, who began teaching me to play classical piano by ear at the age of four. We would sit for countless hours at his black upright Steinway as he would play Chopin, Bach, Rachmaninoff, Tchaikovsky etc. a few measures at a time for me to memorize and string together until I had the whole piece memorized. His love and enthusiasm for music, and the time he took to develop that in me, is something I will always be grateful for. Also my cousin Sue was a few years older than me and was like some kind of magical mixtape faerie, forever bestowing masterfully crafted gems upon me filled with things like Lush, Kate Bush, Cocteau Twins, and Mazzy Star that served to mold/blow my little mind.  

By my late teens it was the late 90's/early 2000's and I was immersed in a maelstrom of kraut/prog, electro, early new wave and electronic/industrial, shoe gaze. I was fortunate at the time to have a lot of friends with varied tastes and massive record collections they wanted to share with me, because back then there was like, only Napster to try and download music off this nebulous internet thing they had just invented.  

I spent a lot of time not doing my homework and dancing around my room on speed and/or klonopins listening to things like Tangerine Dream, Cluster, Miss Kittin & The Hacker, Dopplereffekt, Chris and Cosey, SPK, early Human League, Slowdive, Clan of Xymox... all of which in their own ways began to inform the atmosphere of the music I create now, warped and haunted meandering electronic melodies, analog synths, string machines and rhythm boxes, pounding 303s and 808s, tape echoes, analog delays, layered sounds lost in chasms of reverb...

I moved to NY and started making music, playing shows and djing a bit (mostly playing gabber techno synth new age sets at London squat parties to kids who wanted to hear nu rave), getting into minimal synth, and beginning my love affair with collecting and recording with analog equipment.

Of course now anything you want is available immediately online, compared to how the 80’s and 90’s crowd discovered music. I’ve asked the other artists a similar question - how do you feel about the loss of mystery these days and what will happen in the future to return to that?

I feel the ability for creating mystique is greater now thanx to the internet. Almost anyone can record some music, upload it to bandcamp, make artwork, physical releases, open an online shop, start a label, etc..   If one is good at what they do, be it a hidden persona or being a face, presenting a strong sound, image and aesthetic, either way, when done right, it works. In some ways even mystery can be a gimmick.

You both are lucky to have grown up in the best time period for music. But what about movies and books people should check out?  

I collect children's books, read a mess of olde and new Black Metal zines, Books about Black and Death Metal. Sexy comics about Vampiress and Faeries. Presently reading The Devil's Cradle, a hard back about The Story of Finnish Black Metal. It was a gift from Criss. Everyone should read Lords of Chaos '98 (then '03) and Lucifer Rising '99. I still need a copy of that leather bound Mortiis - Secrets Of My Kingdom book '01.

As for films, we watch obscure horror, foreign horror and documentaries.  

Here are some if you have not already read or watched them; 

Read: Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs ('78) James and the Giant Peach ('61) Masquerade ('79) The World of the Dark Crystal ('82) The Book of Alien ('79) Moebius - The Collected Fantasies of Jean Giraud Series ('87 - '94) Flowers in the Attic - Dollanganger Series ('79 -'86) Wir Kinder vom Bahnhof Zoo ('78) William Klein: Films, 1958-99 ('99) Wreckers of Civilisation: The Story of Coum Transmissions & Throbbing Gristle ('99)

Watch: Christiane F. ('81) Out of The Blue ('80) Deadbeat at Dawn ('88) Combat Shock ('86) Street Trash ('87) Brain Damage ('88) Zardoz ('74) Excalibur ('81) Emerald Forest ('85) Wicker Man ('73)

If atmosphere seems to be a heavy orientation for your creative drive, is your local landscape an important part of this? or is it personal experiences driving the music towards such a dark and melancholy place? something about Rowen is both light and dark.

We live on a island North East New England and seldom see others. Most of our time is spent outside, alone with the wind, the trees, on the marsh, in the mist and rain, sea side mornings, hawks at dusk and in the woods every evening. Pretty, evil and sad is what we do. We are hoping folks will also consider us in the Nature Synth category.  

New England must be a very interesting place to live... what is your favorite time of year there, and what is your favorite part of the landscape there?

We love the woods, day hikes, mountain tops, swimming holes, water falls, gorges and quarries. Small towns, old houses, fields, orchards, pumpkin patches, bonfires. Train tracks, trestles, towers, castles, monuments and graveyards. I was born in October so naturally I love the fall. Hallow's Eve and all into November.  Leaves turn, death comes and things change. There is nothing like a cold moonlit night in the snow. I appreciate being where we can really experience all four seasons.

Also You are so fortunate to live on an island.. That’s amazing. It’s cliche to talk about misanthropy with dark music but is this the reason for being secluded? What do you feel is the best thing for people could do with themselves in (what is in my eyes the end of the world?)

We made the decision to come here for a time of research, get to know each other, talk about our dreams, foster our ideas. Focus on only that of which we love and gives us purpose. Live away from it all.  If everyone did what was the most important to them, a different world this might be.  

Rowen is listed among other trees in occult literature as a tree of magical powers... Is this the reason for using the name? Is there personal beliefs at play in Rowen?

As a band we have our own ideologies, as musicians, our own theories, as artists, our own creative processes and as members, a belief system. These are shared between us and are expressed through the music, words and imagery of Rowen.

The Greeks, Norse, Celts and Druids all told mythology of the properties and significance of this mystical tree. The Greek Goddess of youth who lost her magical chalice to the demons. An eagle was sent to retrieve it. From battle, it's blood splatter on the earth grew Rowan trees. It's leaves as feathers, it's berries, the blood. The Norse myth speaks of the tree from which woman was made. And man, from a mountain ash. Saved Thor in the underworld. Runes are burned on Rowan wood. In the British Isles they tell of the folkloric tree which protects against witchcraft. The red berries of fall make up the 5 points of the Pentagram. Goes also as the Goddess or Faerie tree. The Druids used the bark and berries to dye the garments worn during lunar ceremonies black. Rowan twigs were used for divining, particularly for metals.

I had no idea the importance of Rowen to ancient people. Yes, it is true that Norse belief teaches humans were originally trees before given life and awareness by Odin, Vili and Ve. Is there any interest for you both to express your philosophy on things in the music or is this an affair of escapism and pure magic.

"The Past is not Dead, it lives on in a Woeful Drift." We are connected to our roots, our family trees, where we came from, our heritage and lands. We could only hope that our music would offer an escape. Magic is the only way.

If you could live in any time period, what time period would you live in and what would you be doing?

Canrith: I feel lucky to have been a child of the 70's and we grew up in the 80's, 90's & 00's. We were there, I wouldn't change it. I would love to live in some medieval castle in the mountains, riding a black Clydesdale, wielding a mace, reeking havoc across the land.  

Cristahel: Same as Canrith but on a white Clydesdale with a halberd.

What's the most important part of the creative process for Rowen - is there a certain revelry for using old mysterious pieces of synthesizers or do you enjoy the vast possibilities of computers? There's always the game of analog vs computer in the electronic scenes, what is your thoughts on this?

For us, again, the most important part of the process is the experiment. We use all analog synthesizers, drum machines and record live. Roland, Korg, Yamaha. Same goes for our stage show. We have used and are not opposed to using digital synths on recordings and live. Casio & Yamaha synths, Simmons drums. For instance, "In Another Dream, You Were Mine" from "Ashen Spirit" was made almost entirely on a Casiotone. We record and mix on a desk top home computer.  

What are you both really enjoying listening to at the moment?

Listening to cult 80's video Game music on YouTube while answering these questions.

do you have any thoughts on where this rising momentum will lead as far as the dungeon synth genre is headed, and do you feel proud of your place in that? am i wrong in assuming you both also run Hollow Myths?  

We are proud of our place in DS. Though we set out to make our own mythical electronic music. And think the genre is progressing as it should. We have been very active in the scene going on six years now this November. As supporters, label, distro and band. We are most appreciative of the support we have received. And from the Black Metal Underground. Our first demo was released on pro-tape by Personnel Records, a sub-label of Seedstock Records ran by Marco Del Rio of Raspberry Bulbs aka He Who Crushes Teeth of Bone Awl. We are finishing our second release that will be out on CD & Cassette this time.  

Hollow Myths, the label and distro, is the work of us two. Releases, artwork, layouts, Photography, bios, press, promo, videos, zine, jewelry, leather work, patches, we also offer clothes that we call Cryptic Raiment for After Dark. Official Dungeon Synth, Dark Ambient, Black Metal, Hollow Myths* Shirts, Long Sleeves, Hoods, Record Bags, Altar Cloths...

Correct me if I’m wrong, but Hollow Myths has had to dig deep into the underground and re-release old gems, which is like reissuing from the archives.. many people don’t really appreciate that, can you tell us about what that’s been like and if anything else like that will ever happen?  

Hollow Myths* have re-released limited special versions of cult classics in a row of how I first discovered them back when. Being also from Dallas, TX, Equitant - The Great Lands Of Minas Ithil (City Of Isildur) '94 was one the first tapes I owned of the genre (and our first release from H/M* on cassette) after I found a copy of the Mournlord - Reconquering Our Kingdom Demo from '95 (SE) for a $1 in a bargain bin. These strange and very limited cassette releases helped crystallize what Dark Dungeon Music was to me. Like hearing the Caduceus - Middle Ages Demo '95 (LT) for the first time or later with the Corvus Neblus - Chapter I & II - Strahd's Possession tapes from '99 / '01 (LV). Our second re-released offering was Equimanthorn - Entrance To The Ancient Flame on cassette, another Texas born Ritual Black Ambient project with both Equitant and Proscriptor of the Mythological Occult Metal band Absu as members. After which, we made a chain of very special limited re-releases from; Gothmog, Depressive Silence, Solanum, Lunar Womb, Cain, two from Aperion, Arthur as well as Xerión with more to come. At the same time, we have introduced many new Dungeon Synth artists, some with their follow ups; Isåedor, Wyver and Wizzard to name but a few. We began in '16 and have 43 releases to date. Some mentioned above will see second pressings in the near future.

What has been your favorite release to work on this past year and what sort of artists does Hollow Myths look for?

We focus on outsider music and art and put our blood, sweat and tears into every release. Since we are primarily a physical label and distro (Tapes, CD's, Vinyl, Merch, etc.), it has been interesting to curate and mix the last three Shadowlore Compilations.

Each run over 2 hours long and feature new and exclusive songs by legions of Dungeon Synth artists from around the world. Being Digital, we offer it for Free or name your price for those who want to add it to their collections. Corresponding J-card "tape trade" layout print outs are included in the download, so one can make their own 2x cassette version. To be shared with friends, to inspire tape trading, for more reach and exposure for the artists' projects. Shadowlore Four will be released this Summer Solstice.  

Other releases from last year we are very proud of: Apeiron - Stardust / A Separate Reality. Cosmic / Dark Ambient / Black Metal from Austria. '95 & '97 and featuring a never before heard hidden track from '96 titled "Dimensional Chanting" exclusive only to this release. Xerión - O Espírito Da Fraga / O Trono de Breogán. Black Metal / Dark Ambient from Spain. The first two demos from '01 & '02 with 3 new songs recorded exclusively for this release including a Windir cover.  Galician Mythology and Folklore. Wyver -  Tragedies of Lost Village (Demo II). Dungeon Synth / Fantasy Music follow up. (PDX) Hypogeum - S/T. Introducing outsider, Raw Black Metal from the woods of Oregon. Wizzard - The Cauldron Descent. Cryptic Dungeon Synth follow up from Sweden. Morihaus - The Empty Marches. Eccentric Dark Ambient / Dungeon Synth debut from Kentucky.  

Tell us about Rowen’s plans to start touring.

We just played our first show at the Northeast Dungeon Siege MMXIX festival. Now we are working on piecing together a tour that will begin this summer in the north east coast with the plan to then head down, across the south to California, up the west coast, pacific northwest and back across the north and through the mid-west to return late fall. We recently put the word out that we are up to perform anywhere, anytime and received an overwhelming response. If we can get on tour, stay on tour, get back to Europa without haste, we would be more than pleased.

The first two shows will be outdoor camping events. Mythical Electronic, Dungeon Synth, Black Metal, Acoustic Black Metal, Death Metal, Doom, Crust, Folk, Country, . . . Both are on private land, in the forest and BYOB. Bring a tent, water, food and supplies. Crossbows and throwing knives.

Rowen   Seasons of the Savage at The Sonorous Glade June 22nd Topsham, VT w/ Haxen, Sombre Arcane, Fed Ash, Gorcrow, Melkor, Black Axe, Void Bringer, Acid Roach and Wild Leek River  

Rowen   Woods of Gallows II August 17th  West Chazy, NY w/ T.O.M.B., Worthless, Sombre Arcane, Ordeals, Malacath, Lightcrusher, Hræsvelgr, Graveren and Callous

[the-head-in-the-clouds]

Thank you @bibliophilecats for tagging me! It took me a long while to answer (like usuall haha), because my Laptop broke. Your questions were partially pretty difficult to answer, but that you already included Christmas ones made me happy ^^

1. Your favourite word from your first language.

Hmm I don`t think that I have a favourite... it`s mostly that I adore a word in the certain context it comes in. For example I do have a weak spot for a more ancient and mystical sounding style- as it is used sometimes in old (childrens) books or poems. 

2. And your favourite word in any language.

There are so many great ones. For example 'Lumi' the Finnish word for snow. It feels glowing and fresh, like a cold and sunny winter day. Not like our German Schnee, which makes me think of grey, muddy and wet weather.

3. Name 5 positive things about yourself.

Animals seem to like me.

That I'm interested in so many things.

I am friendly to nearly everyone.

That I try to be open-minded.

My curious mind. 

4. And now 3 things you are good at (I kept that one from @books-are-portals list because self-love is important).

Thinking outside the box

Not beeing bored 

Organizing things

5. What’s your “Patronus”-memory, i.e. the happiest moment in your life?

I have really fond memories of the summer holidays when I was a kid. We always went to our Mökki in Finland to visit Grandmas part of the family. Now that`s not so easy anymore, but the memories of many summers at/ on and in the lake stay with me. 

6. Recommend a book which you think I should read.

Hmm since I know that there are quiet some books that we both enjoy (like the Discworld series and the rivers of London) I feel a slight pressure to recommend you something that you will actually like. 

If we go more non-fiction maybe “a winter book” by Tove Jansson. Those are short stories with a wintery atmosphere or topic, sometimes a bit sad and two or three were really touching. 

If we go more fiction maybe “Holla die Waldfee” by Lars Vasa Johansson. It came out this year and I just found it per accident- it seems like nobody else had read it, but it`s so good. Funny and with a nice swedish touch. 

7. Do you set yourself a reading list or pick books by mood?

Mostly I go by mood. Sometimes I'm trying to set myself a list, but that rarely works (from the books that I've wanted to read this year I just read maybe 4...).

8. Did you make friends on tumblr that you met (or want to meet) in real life?

I haven't met any mutuals from Tumblr yet, but I would love to meet some of you! It's a shame that everyone lives so far away (maybe our booklr field trip will happen someday) <3

9. Last book you read that was completely outside your normal reading preference. Why did you pick it up and did you like it?

'I bims der Faust: the book' just out of curiosity. It was short and amusing, yet sometimes a bit to much. Some of the summarised classics were rather fitting thought.

10. Favourite christmas book?

Maybe the 3 Christmas books by Mauri Kunnas. Those are children's books and the illustrations are absolutely adorable and whimsical. I've read them every Christmas for at least the last 18 years (and before that my parents read them to me).

11. Favourite christmas movie?

Noo don't make me chose- I LOVE THEM ALL! There are so so many great ones and I've try to watch them all every year. Some of my all time favourites are for example 'Little Lord Fauntleroy'- the original with Alec Guinness, 'Drei Haselnüsse für Aschenbrödel' and many many more.

I´m not going to aks or tag anyone, because it seems like you guys have all done this very recently. Maybe I will ask something when you all expect it the least ;)

[ameliette]

0: Prologue - or more of a preface

I'm one of those who likes to ramble and publish the ramble without editing it, so these will be messy!

'prologue' Middle English: from Old French, via Latin from Greek prologos, from pro- ‘before’ + logos ‘saying’.

And before anything is said about the book, I want to give context to this all. I didn't participate in the Hobbit group-read - mostly because I wasn't in this fandom at the time - so I'm not 100% sure what everything should be in these posts. Also I'm very bad at doing actual thoughtful commentary, especially on books. It's easier on visual media, but my "commentary" is still usually half sentences that don't make any sense. I have two hobbit trilogies worth of notes to testify that. - Or, like seen here, I read fifteen levels into each word.

Should be mostly spoiler free, since I don't even know what happens past mid-point of The Two Towers in the books.

Reading this with a close eye (I have to, otherwise I might just skim everything), I noticed the wording "seldom now reach three feet". Hobbits used to vary between two and four feet, huh? So even though the films portrayed the hobbits all about four feet tall (Bilbo's listed as being 4'2'' in the art book so I'm going off that), that was more the upper limit for "normal" height. And then a few sentences later there's this: "[Bullroarer] was surpassed [in height] -- only by two famous characters of old; *but that curious matter is dealt with in this book*." I'm probably reading too much into it, but does it suggest that Frodo and Sam are especially tall for Hobbits, even in their time?

On feet: I'm a writer and research random things sometimes. Last night I was reading through nanowrimo's research forum, checking everything that sounded interesting, and stumbled upon a topic on barefoot running. From what I read, it's more likely that hobbits actually walk more on the balls of their feet than on heels, as it's easier on knees and hips. Not a detail that would get much notice in a book, but could be explored in art. (Maybe not so much in film, given the limitation of feet prosthetics used.) Walking like that consumes more energy than walking on heels, so if they're walking tip-toe all day, no wonder hobbits eat more! 

On pipeweed: "tobacco of the Southfarthing play[s] a part in the history that follows" I still don't have the full context for this one (recall my words that I'm in Chapter X of Book III?) but I recall being absolutely confused by this the first time. How could tobacco play a part in world history? Well, I know a bit now, (again, Chapter X) but still not much. (And well I've read portions of the Atlas so that was a few spoilers *shrug* but spoilers are still not full context!)

Given how idyllic the Shire is portrayed in the movies, I'm actually surprised not all Hobbits can read!

"who reached a hundred as often as not" means 50% of hobbits reach 100 years of age, right? I'm no mathmagician, and median is not mean, but does that suggest hobbits have a life expectancy of 100 years? Given the lack of modern technology in Middle-Earth, I'm rather surprised. How long might hobbits live if they lived in modern times? (In visible populations, with modern tech)

On the finding of the Ring: "the party was assailed by orcs in -- the Misty Mountains" nitpicking and grammar-filing, but I actually discussed at length with a friend about the difference between orcs and goblins, since in the Hobbit movies, only the ones under Misty Mountains are called goblins, and Azog and his army are called orcs. Of course it would be repetitive to repeat the discussion here, but I find it interesting that the switch from English 'goblin' to Westron 'orc' was here applied "retroactively" so to speak. (And also, 'goblin' will always say to me 'funny little creature under a mountain', whereas 'orc' is 'dangerous thing do not approach')

"the ring slipped quietly on to his finger" and given what I know of the ring, it was all deliberate by it. Ring wants to go back to its master, and it cannot achieve that goal by staying with Gollum. Making Bilbo invisible will help the ring out of the cave. ... I suddenly wonder if there are fics written in the Ring's POV? (Too bad the ring didn't know Hobbits are not so easily influenced by it) "the ring, secured by a fine chain --" which we never saw in the films! I wanted to see the ring on a chain like a pocket watch!

Regarding the last few sentences of the chapter. (I've quoted so much directly by now that I think I'll pass, esp. for this long an excerpt) I didn't really notice it last time, but this really makes it sound more like a preface to a historical novel than a work of fiction - which was the idea, I suppose, given this is meant to be the English translation of Red Book of Westmarch. In any case, detailing events so far into the book and past the scope of its prose section is certainly a different approach to fiction! (It also explained a few things I was left wondering about regarding movie's Gray Havens scene.)

I also want to detail how I got into this fandom, because it ties into the prologue a bit.

I tried watching the LotR movies back in 2014 (I wanted to watch the Hobbit films, so maybe I could go see BoFA in theatre, but knew I should start with LotR), but kinda fell asleep (or something) during FotR (like I did watch it through but didn't really focus on it) so I let that plan be (even though I had all three films borrowed from the library so honestly I could have just rewatched it the following day), and didn't come back to it until this summer (2016 July in case I someday have a theme that doesn't have time stamps) when YLE (Finnish national radio/tv broadcaster) showed them on tv and they were also available online for a few weeks. Did the traditional method of marathoning all three in a row, didn't finish till 4am. I have a friend who joked about me being the one to learn Sindarin once I'd read the books, but after LotR, I said something to the effect of "well I'm not that much into this" - like, for me, back then, it was still "a film classic I must watch to be a proper young adult" type of deal. 

Then I got the Hobbit trilogy from the library, and this is where I need to get into detail. I had a new computer ("new", it's over five years old, but it used to be my brother's so it's new to me), so I wanted to watch the DVDs on that, but I couldn't find AUJ on DVD in the library so had to take Blu-Ray. I swear this is relevant. DoS and BoFA I did get on DVD. So I watched AUJ on tv screen, and then next tday DoS on computer. And half of BoFA.

... Not because of the movie itself. It was my computer that fucked up. You see, it's that old and has a bad processor, so it couldn't handle me watching 4+ hours of DVD straight. Cut it off twice in the Dale scenes. I got mad and didn't get that it was because the computer was overheating. Anyway, now I'm getting to the point.

I mentioned I got the films from the library? Well, I also got FotR and The Hobbit books at the same time, and because I was still in the middle of BoFA, I started with FotR. Can you see where this is going? Well, I had been spoiled back in 2014 so technically I knew, but I had forgotten it, and then "On the Finding of the Ring" had to mention it. Killed my mood for a while, but I pressed on with the book. A few days later I finished BoFA, dug up the hobbit tags of those I followed, started following more people, read basically all meta I could find, and here I am. I'm still definitely more Hobbit person than LotR person (definitely more dwarf person than elf person!), but that may or may not change during this read-though. I'm in the middle of TTT, (After reading through FotR in a month...) so I don't know if I'll continue with that, or just re-read FotR and then have initial reactions to books 3-6. (I read the appendixes a lot for reference purposes so I don't count them here) In either case, this should be fun! It's sometimes scary to be in this fandom because I'm only a very tiny person who hasn't read everything yet, but frick, fandoms should be welcoming, I doubt you're as bad as the old SW fandom was joked to be. (I recall a text post that listed quizzing on Wedge's shoelaces or something)

Said friend? Well, she wasn't *wrong*... I took up Khuzdul.

[sunniholliday]

Degree In Malice

Title:Degree In Malice Author: Holliday Pairing: Rizzoli/Isles Disclaimer: Thoughts 👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽 Jane Rizzoli stood at the top of Beacon Hill, the day was cold but the nor easter blowing off the water gave the air a chill. The body had been found, by a few college kids home for the holiday. They were now being cordon off from the media. The Scene was being processed as the waited for Dr. Isles to arrive. Jane knew this was the mind numbing part to catch the suspect was one thing. The Identifying the cause was a world she was never really capable of living. Maura moved thru the crowd of bystanders, police and media. "Dr. Isles what have you got?" "You know the drill I'll have a statement when I've concluded my findings." She continued up the hill. Jane felt the ire rising. Then she relaxed until Maura's eye roll caught her eye. "Those vipers never give a break." "Not until they need ratings." "Ok so what do we have?" "Not sure bunch of kids found the Vic they were coming from dinner and found them. So far we don't have any leads." "Well I'll take a look." The two walked over to the scene Maura already observing every piece of evidence. As she moved towards the Vic she noted the clothes. Looking closer she checked the body for any obvious signs of damage. Noting the color of skin. She had her answer. "Your Vic has been moved. They also appear to be dead for a few days. Levity and rigor have set . Once there on the table I'll have more. Excuse me." She walked away to gather the team when the stretcher and body bag were brought over. The Vic was placed inside and removed to the morgue. Maura signed the paper work as Jane watched for a moment. Then she was back to work. Maura headed back to the prescient she knew this was going to be a roll of the dice. Evidence had been lost and new clues were surfacing. When the Vic was wheeled in she again signed the paperwork and was prepared to begin. She started with pictures, then noted everything she saw. Scraping the finger nails she placed everything in specimen samples. Next she began the process of undressing the Vic. After that she began a series of more pictures and specimen gathering. Then the initial examination. Last but not least the autopsy. She was just wrapping up when Jane walked in. "Anything?" "Hold that thought." She removed her gloves and mask placing them in the bio-hazard bin. She did the same with her scrubs. Before she sent the findings off. Taking a breath she joined Jane. "Your Vic died three days ago, the body was removed like I stated earlier. Were? Have to wait for the samples I sent off. They died of what appears of heart failure." "Heart failure. So dose this mean no murder?" "Quite the opposite. You have a homocide officially and a very disturbed suspect. I also noted a few hemotomas, lacerations and an inflamed liver waiting back on tox." "Are you hungry?" "Yes." "Good let's take a break." "Break room?" "Nothing but day old donuts." "Will go out we've got about an hour, you can tell me what you need to make this stick." "Tell you in the car." "Let's go." They left thru the garage. Jane drove in that weird way she felt sorry for her. She just spent the last couple of hours over a Vic. She could be tired and sore. "Ok I'm not saying one way or the other but those kids seem like the type." "All or one in particular?" "That's the thing, each one has a tell and yet there's still something off." "Well if you want I'll observe." "Please feel free." "If you'd like talk about last night we should wait till we are in the restaurant." "K." They managed to decide on a local place right off the wharf. An ideal place for townies as this was still tourist season they clientele was very busy. "Dr.Isles and Detective Rizzoli Bostons finest I have a table already for you." "Thank you." The two were led into the restaurant two a booth at the back. A few eyes glanced in there general direction. The news of Dr.Isles paternity often caused for Maura to avoid most places in the event the crowd wasn't well to do. She was still dealing with the mafia princess title. Part of her wondered if this was the reason she liked Jane. Jane was looking around as she always did. It had to be a cop thing. This was for safety but sometimes the mere act bugged her to know avail. They both sat each picking up the menus and began reading. The wait staff brought over fresh bread and butter. They thanked them and began to help themselves. "Wow." "Yes the warm butter is a must." "I'm use to the kind that rips your bread. Why I don't like police formal functions." "Why I skip the meal." "A joke?" "Right no I forget we've never been seated together." "Well maybe this year." "If you are asking?" "Yes." "Then will make a date." "Great." "As for last night. I don't want you to feel like this is something you are not comfortable with." Jane waited for her to continue when she didn't she thought . "I'm not uncomfortable. I would just like you to be sure and understand that you know what you are doing." "Jane I'm not a teenager working on my first crush." "Didn't mean to imply that. You are who you are is what I was driving to." "Fine now can we try lunch as two people who might have a future." "Yes. Great now pass the bread." The two enjoyed lunch and went back to the precinct. When Maura arrived the results were still out. She sat down and looked thru a few books to pass the time. Jane had decided to wait before she began her suspect wrangling. When the phone rang at her desk. She got up and headed down to the morgue. "Ok tox came back for a lot of things mostly designer drugs, low end. Right now I'm going with you college bunch. As for the substances found on the bottom of the Vic's boots. I was able to match gravel, concrete and dried leaves. As for the fibers on the Vic's clothes they were from the heating and cooling duct." "So I need to place the Vic here." "Yes." "I'll send the photo out. " Before she left to send the photo she checked the time. When she got to her desk she decided to call. Each call she made had informed her that all the witness were not home. However as each phone wasn't being payed for by the students. They were given access to the GPS. Jane had them all at the abandoned steel mill. She sent a unit to bring them in. Maura was ready in the observation room. As each suspect was brought in. The first suspect was not as cooperative as they had been earlier. They were sweating and couldn't make eye contact. Suspect number two was laughable totally relaxed to the point of seemingly being under the influence. Suspect number three appeared as the ring leader still confident and convinced this was nothing to worry about. Jane always loved those they cracked first. She left each one alone and watched from the monitors. Maura began to rattle off what she observed too. Jane gave them thirty minutes as Dr. Ordered. Just as she thought suspect number two went into cardiac arrest. Suspect number one was turning rabid and trusty number three had lost resolve and was confessing. Maura and Jane called an ambulance as Maura tended to each suspect. They were stable for the moment but would be going to jail on murder charges and drug running. "I've got paperwork." "Me too." "After wanna come over and watch some movies." "We could go out." "Afraid to visit my hood?" "Jane seriously you actually believe your neighborhood scares me your dog is thought of as adorable." "I just could use a quite night in." "No. Dinner and maybe a bar." "Bar?" "Yes." "What kind of bar?" "Meet me when you Finnish." Maura was in the last suspects medical charts she was about to sign. When Jane came in. "Let me and then we can go." "Sure." Maura finished the paperwork getting up from her desk she pushed in her chair and headed for the door. The two left thru the garage again. Taking Maura's car she told her she pick her up should they be called in. They went to dinner and ended up at a bar as Maura had said but this was not a liquor bar. This was a very new place theme bars were becoming very chic. This one specialized in cream. Ice cream, cream pies and custard. Jane was surprised the two grabbed a booth and sat down. The server brought a menu. "Ok a bar." "Yes a bar now enjoy the night out please." "How much is this costing you." "Read." "What?" "Do you have any idea the value of dairy cows when the weather is good everywhere?" "No." "Then stop worrying order what you want." "And you oh I'm going to enjoy this." Jane found the most ridiculous delicious sounding item on the menu. The two shared the dish. As they talked until the close of the bar. When Maura dropped off she was still giddy from her sugar rush. Which delighted Maura as she too had enjoyed the time. The evening was waning and the two leaned in for a kiss when they realized were the flash had come from . " I'll deal with them in the morning." "Maura don't." "I'm ok really go in. If you want call me." "Sure." Jane headed into her brownstone. As Maura watched her head in. She looked around to find the photog gone. Heading home she was now officially off the clock. By the time she got in she sat on the sofa for a minute. The day began to run thru her mind and she began to doze off. The phone rang and she slowly opened her eyes. "You still awake?" "Barely." "Well good night." "Night." They both hung up. Jane fell asleep as Maura walked up to bed. The End

[nanalikessurveys]

A

How artistic are you? I did artistic gymnastics for 12 years lol, but otherwise i am not artistic Do you want to go to Africa? I would love to visit Seychelles AC/DC or Aerosmith? I don’t listen to either Do you know what Armenia is? It’s a country

B What’s your beer of choice (if any)? I hate beer Do you know the title of Buffalo Springfield’s one-hit wonder? No Do you have a brother? (Do you like it that way?) I do not Which bank do you use? Not going to share it for my safety’s sake

C Which comedian do you most enjoy? Jim Carrey Would you ever live in California? I would want to visit California but i wouldn’t live there, it’s too far away Is it possible/likely that you’ll become a cat lady? Already am How many different countries have visited? 9 D Do you believe there’s a devil? No Does eating dessert often make you feel guilty? Sometimes, yes Can you legally drive? I can’t What have you been diagnosed with (if you don’t mind sharing)? I have hypothyroidism and two mental disorder diagnoses E How often do you drink energy drinks? Pretty much never  Where did you live when you were 11 years old? Same city, different house Do you like the actor who played Edward Scissorhands in that movie? Yes, Johnny Depp Have you ever felt an earthquake? Nope F When was the last time you saw your father one-on-one? Couple days ago Do you think French is the most beautiful language? It’s up there Is Friday your favorite day of the week? I don’t really have a favorite day of the week, everyday is different in a way Have you listened to Jimi’s song ‘Fire?’ No G Do you have real gold jewelry? No i don’t How often do you watch ‘Gossip Girl’? Never Is Google your homepage? Yes it is Do you like Geico’s commercials? What is that H When did you last feel happy? Today Do you prefer Hollister, Hot Topic, or H&M? H&M i think, we don’t have the other two stores here anyway Did you dress up last Halloween? No, i don’t celebrate halloween Would you voluntarily watch the History Channel? I would I Have you ever been on an island? Yes Would you be able to locate Indonesia on a globe? I would be close Do you know if Iceland or Greenland has more ice? Greenland Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? N/A J Do you enjoy jogging? No, i prefer walking On which instrument could you most easily play ‘Jingle Bells’? The triangle lol How much do you know about John Lennon? Not much Do you know how Jell-O is made? It’s made out of gelatin lol K Have you tried Krispy Kreme doughnuts? (Was it love at first bite?) No Are you very afraid of North Korea? I don’t think i am

How many pairs of khaki pants do you own? Zero Have you ever been a fan of the Killers? Nope L Does it bother you when couples are lovey-dovey in public? No, i don’t really care, unless you are basically making out, that would be awkward Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? I don’t because i don’t need one In how many languages (besides English) can you count to 100? finnish and swedish What’s your favorite lollipop flavor? I don’t eat lollipops, they are annoying lol M Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? No because i’ve not experienced it What do you think of shows like Maury and Jerry Springer? I don’ twatch shows like that, i’m not really interested Do you care that Mars (the candy co.) uses deadly animal testing? I didn’t know How did you form your opinion of marijuana? I don’t really have an opinion on marijuana, i haven’t done my research N How often do you sleep naked? Never, even tho i live alone now Do you actually check the Nutrition Facts before eating something? Sometimes Who is your favorite musical artist/band beginning with ‘N’? I like NF How nerdy are you (in what ways)? I don’t think i’m nerdy at all actually O What do you think about olives? I hate olives Are you much of an outdoorsy person? Not really How big of an Oprah fan are you? i’m not a fan How often do you shop online? Really rarely P Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? I never went to our school dance How are your local policemen? I have no experience with them  so i wouldn’t know, but i respect the police in general What is your ideal PB&J sandwich like? I don’t eat those What do you think of the movie ‘Pineapple Express’? I have not seen it Q How true is the saying, ‘quitters never win and winners never quit’? I guess i t’s true in some cases, not always Do you prefer Quiznos or Subway and why? I’ve never had quiznos, but i enjoy subway Have you learned the quadratic formula yet? (Do you remember it?) I suck at math, i probably have been teached that but i just don’t remember anything of it What is the one question you most want to ask someone and who? I don’t know R How many rooms are in your home? Two rooms plus bathroom and a sauna lol Do you like raspberries? Yes, i love them What’s one of your best memories from during a rainstorm? I have no idea Have you actually read Shakespeare’s ‘Romeo & Juliet’? For school yes S Do you know any Sign Language? Some words, mostly letters tho What is your sleeping schedule generally like? It changes How well do you sing? Not well at all How often do you listen to 60-70’s music? Never T What do you think of Twitter? I don’t use it How much do you value the Ten Commandments? I am not religious. but there are some parts that i agree with obviously Are there many trees where you live? Yes How much taller/shorter do you wish to be? I’m happy with my height U Where do you usually buy your underwear? Just anywhere How do you define ‘ugly’? Unpleasant Do you like to shop at Urban Outfitters? They have the best underwear lol, we don’t have it here but i went there couple times when i was in Stockholm couple months ago V Would you like being described as ‘voluptuous’? I don’t know what that means  For listening to music, do you like to crank up the volume or keep it calm? Something in the middle

Do you ever watch the annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show? Never Would you agree that ‘variety is the spice of life’? Sure

W Are you currently on wireless Internet? Yes Can you recall memories of learning how to whistle? My mom tried to teach me how to whistle, i never learned haha Do you go to White Castle or just vicariously through ‘Harold & Kumar’? I don’t know what that is Have you gone to Washington, D.C.? Did you like it? (OR-do you want to go?) I have not X Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? I don’t remember When it comes to ‘xoxo’, do you interpret ‘x’ as the hug or the kiss? Hug What does X stand for in Roman numerals? Can you write the previous number? X is ten Why do you think xylophones are only popular with young children? I think so Y Can you explain the meaning of the yin-yang symbol? i can explain it.. but it’s been done probably a million times for this survey and i didn’t want to just put the exact same thing the people before me have. but yeah. i know the meaning of it.<<< true haahaha Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? Younger Did you know that yawning is contagious? Yes Would you like a bottle of Yoo-Hoo or it’s not really your thing? WHat is that Z How many places’ zip codes do you know by heart? Couple What comes to mind when I say ‘Zero to Hero’? No one, my mind is blank

[whisper--d--ai]

i moved to a new place

self-harm and suicide trigger warning. this contains lines describing self-harm and attempted suicide. 

this is not fictitious. this is my life and something that should have been simple but turned in to something that traumatized me.

some information has been changed, Paraphrased or left out to protect my identity and the identities of the other people involved. and to shorten the recollection.

so I moved to a new apartment sometime around the end of March?.

(with my dad)

I think ... fuck I really can't remember..

a lot of shit happened during the move it was very stressful I had a lot of anxiety and mental breakdowns so I don't really have my time\s lines straight.

my anxiety and mental state caused me to stop at random and cry> there's some info I'm leaving out so let's just go with "random crying" so I don't make a super long post<

the people around me weren't helping to make things better (the move or emotions)

don't get me wrong I grateful for what little help we did have 

(the person that drove the moving truck, in general, I'm grateful that he drove for us) 

he couldn't help much moving the furniture and large items due to a medical condition.

he was asking me questions that I didn't have the answers to! a lot of the same questions over and over again.

(one of the questions he kept asking was _how much money do you have_ )

(me_i don't know i spent a lot of it on the truck!)

and me constantly saying I don't know call my dad and ask him.

there were just a bunch of communication problems and ignorance.

the drive got very rude at points with the questions and repetition.

trying to tell me what to do and when to do it.

________________________________________________________

(again there's some info I'm leaving out -v)

later in the night, he had the balls to say.

_it's late I'm tired, you 2 should go stay in a hotel_

(at this point we have nothing moved out of the truck or in the apartment but my laptop computer and cleaning supplies)

(me thinking- like srsly was he not listening when I said I spent most of my money on the truck... the fuck. this dude thinks he's tired he should try to be me for the past 5 days.) and after this, I don't really remember my thoughts or though proses.

so at this point, I break down...

crying - screaming - hitting myself in many different ways -...mostly smashing my head off the wall like 37 ish times,

I know I wanted to cut my self... lucky there was nothing sharp noticeable for me to use.

the only reason I managed to “calm down” is because of how many times I hit my head. I got too dizzy to keep doing it __ honestly should have gone to the hospital but didnt_

so I finally calm down(sitting and still crying a bit) and now the driver finally seems to have some semblance of how stressed\anxious I am and have been since the move started, so he tells my dad ok grab one of the mattresses so you 2 have something to sleep on tonight. 

(at this point we have nothing moved out of the truck

I sit long enough that my dad gets his matters in through the building doors...and then (me thinking-  like no fuck that shit I want my own dam mattress to sleep on in my own fucking room he snores and I've dealt with enough shit today.

so I go grab my mattress and got it I the building _lucky me nobody said anything about it when that finally noticed_ 

left my mattress in the lobby to help dad with his to the apartment unit.

then we brought mine up. and when we went down to close up the truck but before that, i decided to look in one of the boxes lucky it was bedding.

(the unit was cold as fuck) 

the driver leaves with the truck.

I realize we haven't had any food all day and there's no food in the place. I have enough change to buy some plastic bowls and spoons - cereal and milk.

we go to the nearby store. I ask the lady running the store were are the bowls and the lady doesn't understand me (she was Chinese her English wasn't that great I guess \ not try to be or sound racist)

so I try re-elaborating what it is that I'm looking for . . . 

and this old assholeI've never met before in my life intervenes saying _ ooh you know a bow the thing that goes on gifts...

me_ ... umm no that not that I'm looking _ and then me and the old guy argue for like 40 seconds then I start ignoring him and look for the dam bowls myself!

I find the bowls and overhear the old guy insulting me to the lady running the store.

. . .

I snap. but this time I don't have any thoughts. I just scream cry run out of the store strait it to traffic ... I just wanted to die I may not remember my thoughts but I remember that feeling the feeling of just wanting to die.

obviously, I didn't die. traffic stopped I stood in the middle of the road for maybe  10 seconds then moved to the other sidewalk. clearly, nobody was going to run me over like I wanted ...

 blah blah blah blah blah 

my dad yelled at me (obviously that didn't help) (srsy that's the reaction you have to your daughter trying to commit suicide __ he really should have me put in the psych ward_ but no he goes no about how he's going to end up in the  psych ward_ ( I'm on a side tangent back to what im at )

blah blah blah_30 minutes later_ I calmed down he calmed down  ( i use the word calm very loosely in this context)

the old asshole has left the store so I go back in get -the stuff I wanted- pay - go home.

get comfy get food in me watch a movie on my laptop. Finnish go to bed.

sleep was shit t it was cold. but I slept better then I would have if I had to share a bed with a snoring jerk in a cold room.

the next morning we finished moving .. well actually be the time everything was out of the truck it was between lunch and dinner (2:40)

we meet \ had a miracle of a nice man named Richard help us move the last bit of our stuff in exchange for pizza.

I swear after all the bullshit this man was a god sent gift and so was the pizza we ordered for dinner (lol)

_______________________________________

it's now may 3. 2018.I've been in the new place for about a month now. a lot of other stuff has happened since we moved most of it bad, I will probably post more about that stuff later.

 deep dark secret  im still feeling suicidal on and off and no-one in my family knows and if that do they don't care or think its serious enough to acknowledge. 

this has been a life recollection of whisper-d-ai page runner of deep dark secrets . by whisper-d-ai.