#the more you know about him and how TBI changed his life

[coldwind-shiningstars]

Dungeon Meshi is obviously primarily about food, eating, and crucially survival through eating, but it's also focused on other aspects of survival. Sleep, rest, social ties and social exclusion. There's even extensive commentary on things like personal grooming (Marcille’s hair, Toshiro becoming depressed and no longer shaving), clean bathrooms, and other things. When it comes to disability these things are referred to as instrumental activities of daily life (IADLs), which are more complex things like shopping, housework, and cooking, which people need to do to survive, and activities of daily life (ADLs) which are the basic bare bones needs: eating, toileting, etc. Dungeon Meshi is concerned with the logistics of living and finding joy in those logistics.

This is super related to disability! Yes, Laios is autistic, this has been apparent from the beginning. But what does being autistic mean for him and the story? Mostly, it means his desires, goals, and the ways he goes about achieving them are strange, foreign, or baffling. He has different priorities than other people and the way he expresses those priorities are strange. They affect how he socializes, how he eats…

So, it absolutely makes sense that there would be a minor sideplot about activities of daily living and what it's like to be out of sync with everyone else when it comes to prioritizing things. It's Mithrun Time (he's gonna mith all over the place) and I'm so SO interested in the interplay of disability, caregiving and the logistics thereof, and intersectionality & privilege. Who needs care? How do other people feel about them needing care? How do they receive that care? And who do we think is worthy of receiving care and how does that interact with all these other factors?

Bunch of manga and extras spoilers past the cut:

“So, what's wrong with you?”

I see a lot of people talking about Mithrun's non-eye disability as a depression allegory, which I think is true, but I think it's also metaphorically/symbolically both a traumatic brain injury and a trauma response to sexual assault. The sexual assault aspect is pretty clear if you look at any of the symbolism of the actual disabling event: just look at it.

Mithrun is lying in bed and the goat comes to him, lifts him up and puts its mouth on his abdomen and lower pelvis. The eating is sexually charged, as is the particular way he struggles and protests. It's intensely violating, and things that were once desirable are lost. And the dungeon lord group therapy session involves a lot of people talking about the demons like an abusive lover; Mithrun, even though he wanted to kill the demon so badly, still says that they're gentle.

As for the brain injury, chronic TBIs can cause a wide variety of symptoms. Some immediately relevant ones are anhedonia (lack of enjoyment), executive function issues, poor interoception (trouble understanding what's going on in your body), cognitive impairment affecting ability to reason/multitask/plan/solve problems, changes in behavior and personality, depression, agitation, and restlessness. We see… basically all of these, in Mithrun, as downstream effects of the loss of desires. He can't tell when he's hungry, tired, or out of mana; he can't perform ADLs consistently even if he knows he'll die without doing them and dying without doing them will interfere with his long-term goal, he had drastic personality changes, he oscillates between impatient and totally withdrawn.

Brain injuries can also affect more complex tasks and ability to sustain lengthy periods of complex cognitive work. A common example is losing the ability to read and process longer passages; maybe you can read the words but you can't read a paragraph, or maybe you can read paragraphs but now you get a migraine after 15 minutes. Mithrun's skill loss is not related to reading but the effect is similar – he is and was extremely skilled in a particular area of magic, but also disabled in ways that specifically hinder his skill in this area – to teleport things properly you need depth perception and a sense of direction, and he lacks both of these! And while he's still an incredibly effective fighter it seems like he pretty frequently makes those sorts of mistakes.

This is treated often as a gag and it is genuinely funny but it’s also very real, to no longer be as good at the thing you were good at before you became disabled. Kui takes several throwaway gags seriously later on, not just this one. Another ~gag that's not really elaborated on is the bathroom thing, but I appreciate its inclusion anyway, since even if it's presented humorously it doesn't feel meanspirited in a way a lot of “diaper jokes” do. I think people need to talk a lot more about bathroom issues in a wide variety of disabilities, and I think it's nice that a guy I can already picture the “poor little meow meow” posts about also has this issue, you know?

Preferences vs Desire

Even referencing PTSD and TBIs it's hard to really grasp what having no desires means, and the characters don't generally ask, while Mithrun explains it in vague terms. “Desires” is a very broad term and indeed he has lost access to a wide but related variety of things. Unfortunately this lead to him often being treated as nonagentic.

Mithrun does still have preferences, even if he doesn't express them and has no desire which would drive him to seek out pleasant things and avoid unpleasant ones. He'll comment on the taste and texture of foods, for example – sure seems like he has an opinion!

People treat it like his preferences don't matter since he doesn't usually bring them up unprompted, and he's often in situations where there aren't other options.

Kabru seems best at not doing this (and, noncoincidentally, also seems to be the best at actually caring for him; the Canaries have a lot more Resources theoretically than Kabru And Mithrun Eating Monsters And Kabru's A Bad Cook, but although they are loudly distressed by the two of them disappearing it seems to have positively affected Mithrun's general health)

But, uh, acknowledgement that someone has preferences at all is a really low bar to clear and Kabru also doesn't seem to fully understand how Mithrun's brain works. Mithrun’s caregivers want him to eat when they want him to eat. They want him to rest and drink when they want him to.

He lacks the desire for a number of mundane things but also seems to lack the ability to tell when he needs them. He can't explain why he faints; is “I am out of mana” considered a desire for more mana, one that can be eaten? He can't sleep on his own; it's not only that he lacks “the desire to go to bed” but he can't do anything with his own exhaustion, even if he notices it. He comments on the unpleasant taste and texture of several meals; he may be unable to want to not eat it, but he definitely can tell when he dislikes something. But he also seems to be unable to tell when he's hungry.

Kabru will acknowledge these preferences but there's not really other food options, and Everyone Must Eat. Kabru doesn't know the details of Mithrun's condition yet but you can see the immediate frustration here and the way he offers food to him like Mithrun's a child.

Sure, he won't directly communicate preferences, so that makes it extra hard, but you can always just ask, and if he tells you he tells you.

The pathway between opinion and taking actions about it may be lost in Mithrun but the dungeon forces other people into a similar position – it forces them to eat food they don't want to eat so that they can survive or accomplish other goals. We've seen this with Marcille from the beginning. It's difficult with Mithrun because it seems like there is always going to have to be some sort of someone else overriding his autonomy – yeah, he's not hungry but he still needs to eat or he'll faint. Yeah, he's lying about whether or not he's clean but he still needs to wash or he'll die. Yeah, he needs to take a rest instead of keeping moving or he'll faint. But he's not unique in being in a situation where he has to do nonpreferred things. The difference is more that he lacks the ability to independently do anything when it comes to ADLs, preferred or not, which makes it into someone else’s choice and responsibility.

There's also a theme in Dungeon Meshi that comes up a bit of people being pushy about ADLs but from a slightly different perspective, and they're usually right. You see this in Senshi most commonly; he pushes the residents of the Golden City to actually eat even if they don't need to and can't taste it, and while he's correct in that Yaad does get enjoyment from the food even without taste he's still not quite listening to Yaad. Similarly, Kabru is correct in that he can get Mithrun to sleep without a sleeping spell, but he also ignores the way Mithrun says several times that he doesn't expect massage to work. There's a few aspects to this – wild but expected that the elves would choose the “just knock him out with a spell” route, the “easy way” Senshi always talks about when it comes to magic, instead of actually paying attention to other solutions. But also, generally, people know their bodies best, and sometimes even if you're really sure you have the trick to help them you have to listen to what they tell you.

tvtropes dot org frontslash DisabilityTropes

This is going to be a harder section just because it's so subjective; it's nearly impossible to think about the ways in which disabled people are viewed by the people around them/wider society with any degree of objectivity just because there are so many factors that go into it. But I do think Mithrun is consistently treated as relatively nonagentic and there are several ways this can manifest: being treated as a doll/pet/child, being treated as a weapon, and being a surface for people to project onto.

He's framed or treated as childlike intermittently through the manga; scattered about, just a little vibe in the way he's drawn, like the "say aah" above and Pattadol and Cithis through the teleportation scroll :

That's a middle aged man! And he's framed like a toddler getting picked up or misbehaving.

Which doesn't mean they care about him any less; his squad is really fond of him for someone who's technically like their parole officer. How dare you do this to our captain! They love him dearly; this is obvious and he comments on it! They respect him, too, as the leader and as a strong fighter. But loving someone and thinking they're a skilled fighter doesn't mean you respect their autonomy fully.

There's also an element of everyone projecting their own issues onto him; Kabru with their shared Dungeon Trauma. The canaries all suggesting wacky, midlife-crisis desires. He doesn't ever express that he minds any of this, except when they try to stop him from making particular decisions. They also don't often understand why he'd be motivated to do a particular thing, and in fact some of these projections may actually be correct! But while noodles and pottery may be good later-on goals for him, I think it's striking that a) Kabru was the closest to correctly guessing what desire Mithrun might acquire now and he was still guessing the exact opposite (suggesting a desire to not eat Falin but to help Laios, vs Mithrun's actual desire, which was to eat Falin with no thought given to the promise he made at all) and b) it's a desire that actually makes perfect sense with what we know about him, not something totally new.

And, finally, he's a weapon: people are willing to caretake him because he's good at killing things dead. If his only desire is to kill demons dead, it's easy to start seeing that as who he is. I don't think he'd argue that “trying to kill demons” takes up the majority of his life (it's his only goal and he's obsessed with it) but even if there's only one thing that matters to him he has autonomy (in the sense that he can make his own choices about what to prioritize and formulate his own plans) and personhood.

Politics and privilege – who gets to access care?

One of the things we're first presented with when it comes to Mithrun is that he is intensely capable at handling dungeons. Yeah, there's the immediately visible prosthetic eye and the navigation issues, but the Canaries are built up as being incredibly dangerous and skilled, and he's their captain; they all immediately defer to him. He's intense, he curbstomps an entire room of guards, he's efficient, he's brutal, he's strong physically and magically.

In short: yeah, he's very disabled. He's also still very useful.

At the risk of oversimplification, even within his particular disability, he's much more disabled than Marcille is (she lost something relatively simple and easy to miss, she has no catatonia-moment) but less disabled than Thistle, who seems to still have at least one desire related to the king but is still primarily catatonic. It seems like Thistle is not unusual among ex-dungeon lords, even if there's enough noncatatonic dungeon lords to form a support group later. When Milsiril finds Mithrun, she immediately intends to mercy-kill him – this seems to be a condition the elves are familiar with but consider terminal, at least to the degree Mithrun is affected, and people seem unfamiliar what it means to keep living in this state because Mithrun is unusual in that he survives at all. And he's “allowed” to survive initially because he's not as disabled as he could have been (still has a desire) and that desire is useful. They aim him at the dungeons and off he goes. It takes twenty years for him to recover enough to do it, sure, but they're elves. They can wait. He can still be useful.

Relatedly, when he loses the ability to pursue his desire he's immediately much worse off than he was previously.

The no-desire catatonia is something that can recur and the elves continue to not know how to handle it. If Kabru wasn't there to problemsolve I think he'd have just… stayed there with his increasingly distressed squad.

Speaking of his squad, there's also a fascinating power dynamic going on with just the inherent structure of the Canaries; criminals are assigned as his caregivers. There's the inherent unfairness to the criminal Canaries about them being given extra duties, this strange rich noble guy who's now their Responsibility. There's so much possibility for resentment in normal caregiving relationships, much less being forced by your jailor into caregiving someone. But there's also an element of the power the prisoner Canaries now have over him and his most basic ADLs and needs. Assigning Cithis to his care is such a can of worms! The dynamics of the situation are frankly awful for both of them; of course she resents him initially. It would be strange for her not to. When Pattadol catches her making Mithrun do embarrassing things, she instantly reminds Cithis of her lower-status – she's forced to care for this nobleman and then forcibly reminded that she's beneath him.

She's responding to having menial, low-status tasks forced on her by trying to humiliate him, and although he doesn't have the ability to care enough to stop her it's still a deliberate removal of dignity. He's the instrument with which she is punished and she punishes him in return (until it's not fun anymore and she understands him a bit more.)

Mithrun is a long-lived race, who has structural power over the shorter lived races simply because of how long they live. The dwarves and elves try to actively keep certain knowledge from other races, restricting their access to technology, and other expressions of distance. Senshi spends nearly the whole first season not listening to Chilchuck trying to explain that he's an adult and treating him like a child, and Kabru repeatedly says that the elves do the same thing (and tbh we see them doing it). There's even the fact that it took him twenty years to recover enough to join the Canaries again; a shorter-lived race might have died from old age in this time, or become too old to work in this capacity, and then wasted away without the drive to return to the dungeons. But they're elves; the other elves can afford to wait, and he's not going to age out of dungeoneering any time soon. Being an elf probably contributes to his wealth in the same way skin color contributes to wealth inequality in the real world.

Dungeon Meshi doesn't really go into race in the sense of skin color much, and Kui is writing from a different cultural standpoint than I am. While tallmen are quite accurate when it comes to skin/hair color (yes, even Kabru and his blue eyes; it's rare but possible) and cultural references, the elves, uh, absolutely are not, both in the sense of “dark skin & pale hair and eyes trope” and sense of the royals having jet black skin.

Still, I feel like race is so connected to care and caregiving in the real-world west that I would be profoundly remiss not to mention it. Skin color might not matter to elves in the racism sense, but it matters to humans and humans are the ones writing and analyzing this story. (And I fully expect as the fandom grows with anime-onlies people will like Mithrun more because he's white (has white features) than they would if he had darker skin, because fandom is also baseline racist.)

I don't think we can just not mention that Mithrun is pale-skinned and both Cithis and Kabru, his primary caregivers over the story, both have dark skin.

Racism means white people are more likely to get good medical care, the type you need to get diagnosed and prescribed caregiving. Racism means wealth distribution is uneven, favoring white people. Race affects immigrants taking on undesirable jobs like caregiving for low pay. Racism is a profound stressor which means it contributes to who becomes disabled in the first place in that it can worsen health outcomes.

Similarly to race, gender may not be very obvious when it comes to this subplot within the story but the gendered dynamics of caregiving in the real world are something I do want to touch on. There's an oft-cited statistic about how men are much more likely than women to divorce their partners when their partners are diagnosed with a serious condition; I don't like relying too much on those sorts of statistics because they can be so misleading but it does gesture at something very real, culturally. Even if men aren't supposed to be caretaken, women are supposed to be the caretakers. Certainly, it's not Mithrun's fault that he can't cook and can't do laundry and probably can't do most housework, but I do also think about all the posts passed around about “my boyfriend who won't do housework.”

Again, none of these privileges make him less disabled and less in need of and deserving of care, they're just worth talking about when we talk about caregiving in general.

It's Rotten Work, Even If It's You

People expect disabled people receiving care to be grateful, to accept anything, and to try and make it easier for the caregiver if they're able. Requiring care is an incredibly disadvantaged position, even as actually receiving it can be so tangled up in privilege. Caregiving is tremendously difficult work, it's true, but there's a particular vibe people want from disabled people – all those movies about not wanting to be seen as a burden. Never complaining. Being grateful.

And, uh, well…

Mithrun basically accepts anything his caregivers do, but he's not grateful at all! I appreciate that in a disability portrayal. He'll also lie to and ignore his caregivers, which is Annoying but is definitely an expression of autonomy even if he's probably not doing it specifically to express his autonomy. He's not going to thank you. He's not going to make it easy. He'll accept a lot of things considered “undignified,” and he's not mean or unpleasant in the sense that he's taking advantage or anything, but he's certainly not a model patient.

He's running off back into the dungeons just when you think you've finally gotten him somewhere safe.

There's always a strange tension in caregiving, I've found. It is incredibly intimate but a lot of it is done by total strangers. A number of caregiving tasks are viewed by the wider world as entitled but placing those tasks in the hands of strangers is a remarkably tough place to be in. As a disabled person, I've had to accept my bowel movements being discussed with my parents’ friends, all sorts of being physically moved places not against my will but without my permission, even my pubic hair being shaved off by a stranger (nurse) while I was unable to speak or move. When people are feeding you, making sure you use the toilet, rubbing your feet to make you sleep, helping you with hygiene – people are working so hard to help you. Are you supposed to just accept them doing whatever they want to you?

There's also a dynamic where people will say they don't mind caring for you, they're happy to do it, and then as the years go by and you continue to need care the resentment just builds up. Caregiving is hard work. It's often thankless. The goodness of people’s hearts can run dry, when it's been twenty years and you still can't bathe yourself.

Aaand I need to continue in reblogs, because I'm out of space for images. Please hold. edit: you can find part 2 here

[lapseinart]

Does Scott know he had a TBI? I mean, probably. Does Scott know having a TBI can be a disability? Less likely.

Like I doubt he’s aware of how much it’s affected him and continues to affect him, especially if he doesn’t really remember much of his life before the plane crash. I doubt he considers himself disabled for any chronic headaches he may have or his social dysfunction

I do imagine him being far more aware of how his color blindness is a disability because the degree of his color blindness makes him unable to pilot at night. Even if you headcanon his glasses aren’t like red color filters on cameras and allow him to see a small range of hues, I imagine a lot of things like charts or paperwork at the Xavier School are made with Scott’s inability to see the full spectrum of color in mind. Like the Professor never grades in red bc Scott can’t see it properly. The Danger Room’s controls have buttons and levers of different sizes and shades to help him distinguish between them better.

And for the most part it’s little things that people don’t even notice except isn’t it funny Mr. Cyclops only grades in green or blue until some kid does a presentation with a bright red background and white text and Scott’s like. I can’t read this. And the kid has to go and change it and then they start noticing other little things about Cyclops like the fact that he sometimes takes out the vibrantly pink mug from the kitchen for his coffee and all the students giggle at him for it and the man probably just didn’t notice. Or the way he hardly ever plays cards with the other X-Men if they’re using a normal deck or Gambit’s deck and if he does he’s constantly messing up and squinting at his cards, but he’ll play if Pheonix or Beast or Iceman or Angel pull out this black colored deck from the rec room.

I started off thinking about TBI but then I just started thinking about color blindness idk man

[practically-an-x-man]

What would your OCs be like if they never met their shipmate? What would the shipmate be like without OC?

Ooooh, fascinating question! Thank you!

Long post incoming... lot of people to cover lol

Rae: Would still be a non-mutant (since Apocalypse expressed her mutation, and she ran into him when he came after Warren), would be off in some other country to practice another language, would still have that vaguely restless and unfulfilled feeling surrounding her life. Warren (Worthington): Well, it would follow the usual path of X-Men: Apocalypse if Rae hadn't intervened... which means he'd be dead. Whoops.

Robin: Wouldn't be at the X-Mansion unless Sean chose to introduce her, wouldn't have had her TBI- but also wouldn't have had the excitement and adventure of being an X-Man, so it balances out. She'd probably end up meeting someone through her opera work, but it would be a much less exciting life than the one she has with Peter XD Peter (Maximoff): Would still be a little reckless and immature, since meeting Robin was what convinced him to slow down and start taking things seriously. Aside from that, though, probably not much different?

Madison: Would still be out in the wilderness somewhere - she'd think she's happy enough, since the straightforwardness of that life is comforting in its own way, and wouldn't realize how truly lonely she was in that life. Alex: Same as we see him in the movies - still loves his family, but pretty prickly and distant. He's still kind of prickly when he's with Madison, but she helps him open up and mature for sure.

Ophelia: Depending on how you interpret it, she's either still dead (wasn't pulled through the multiverse) or is just doing alright (was pulled through the multiverse, just didn't meet Peter while she was there). She's good at being independent, she's happier with Peter but would still be alright if she hadn't met him. Peter (Parker): Kind of the same - his grief over Gwen would probably hit him a lot harder, since Olly and Peter do help each other process their grief over the ones they've lost, but he'd still be alright if he hadn't met her.

Gia: Would still be a total hermit, hardly able to work up the courage to leave her shop. Kate definitely helps her open back up :) Kate: Honestly... I'm not sure. I don't know as much about Kate as I do about the others... she'd probably get herself in trouble a lot more though XD

Jasper: Would've completed college and become a nurse as normal, but since Kyle has helped them feel safer and more comfortable with who they are in their actual life, they'd be a little more reserved and unsure of themself without him. Kyle: The plot of AHS Coven... after he gets necromanced, he's used as love-triangle-fodder and basically treated like an object to create conflict between two of the other characters. I literally created Jasper as a fix-it so he'd have a healthy relationship, so without them... yeah.

Kestrel: Wouldn't even be Kestrel, really - Warren encouraged them with so much of who they are, if they hadn't met him then they'd still be shapeless like any other changeling. Warren (Burgess): Hard to say... he doesn't have a romantic partner in the books except for a reference that he used to date Vanessa (another book character), so I think he'd be alright. It would be one of those "wouldn't know what you're missing" sort of deals though, how would you know you're missing your partner if you've never met them?

Katherine: Would have a fairly normal life - would have graduated college, found a reasonably steady source of art work somewhere, would eventually have found a partner and started a relationship, nothing exciting. Her life with Ahk is a lot more... exciting. Ahkmenrah: About the same as it's been for most of his museum life, really. I can't say too much would change.

Quinn: Would have dropped out of college, found a cover-the-bases job somewhere, would have just coasted along somewhere until she could either pay to finish her education or got promoted in the role she ended up... it would be a much more boring life, and she'd probably drive herself crazy. Billy: I can't imagine he'd be too terribly different, at least in the beginning, though he definitely matures some as he learns to support Quinn through their disability (so he'd be missing that for not having met her)

Eris: I mean, they've lived hundreds of years without Rick, I can't say too much has changed for having met him. Rick: Similar answer, he's not too different with or without them. Partially this is because of the style of their relationship - yes, they're devoted to each other, but they're self-reliant people by nature and would be fine apart.

Nikoletta: Would still be in Belle Reve, and still holding up that same icy, unshakable persona of the Queen of Belle Reve. Abner: Physically would have died in Corto Maltese (as the movie has it). Emotionally, would still be closed-off and refusing to allow himself happiness.

Jimmy: Would still be wandering Coney Island, the same way he had for a hundred and nine years before. Lars: I'm not sure. He's a new character, and there's not much about his personal life in the movie, so I genuinely haven't figured out what all would change.

(Sorry some of these answers might be disappointing, it's hard to think of striking differences for the canon characters since most of my fics are either fix-its or follow canon up to a point)

[prismatoxic]

re-reading chapter 61 in the hopes of finding more info on the communication faries (there doesn't seem to be much) and oh look! that's also the "kabru and mithrun get stuck together" chapter

u want some kabumisu thoughts

kabru is trying to pick mithrun apart to best ingratiate himself so he can then sabotage the canaries' attempt to retake the dungeon before laios can defeat the lunatic magician. typical kabru solution to a problem; he knows he's not as good of a fighter as he is a manipulator. he also doesn't trust mithrun, nor does he think mithrun trusts him. the best course of action is to get mithrun as close to trust as he can for a good chance to strike.

...but he's finding it hard to do. it's not compelling him the way this sort of task usually does, even if it's his only plan.

even so, when they run into a shapeshifter, kabru's version of mithrun is physically identical and its personality seems the same as well. kabru's skills of observation are not to be taken lightly.

(mithrun is not even remotely skilled in this department. i imagine the way his trauma has changed his view of the world is also involved though)

besides being a funny gag, mithrun's evident disinterest in picking kabru apart as a person calms him down. this is when he starts to see mithrun less as a threatening enemy and more just... a kind of strange person.

i don't have much to say about this one, it's just really fucking funny. he doesn't even realize that scribbly version of kabru is wrong. i assume his vision isn't the issue here; like yes it must be limited with only the one eye, but that's not limited vision, that's "my brain doesn't parse the world the way other people's do". mithrun TBI real. anyway

(i'm trying to talk about kabumisu so i'm not gonna post all the fucking hysterical panels of kabru lamenting turning into laios if he has to cook monsters, but. go re-read chapter 61 if you haven't recently, it's very good)

not to read too much into an adorable smile, but i think seeing mithrun eat like a child is endearing kabru to him a lot. it's getting harder and harder to view him as an enigmatic adversary. sure, there's plenty of mysteries surrounding him, but he's also just... not a very scary person, nor does he hold ill will towards kabru. he's not an enemy.

mithrun saving kabru from nightmares after they eat is probably another point in his favor (even if he smacked kabru to do it). kabru doesn't know yet exactly why he's been told to tend to mithrun--why mithrun needs tending at all--but mithrun being willing to protect him in turn certainly implies he's not resentful of the arrangement.

mithrun you are so baby

talk about ship fuel... but on a more serious note, i really love how kabru jumps into action here. it's very in-character for him, but also it's just a good show of what that character is--he's already pushing himself to go above and beyond for a man he didn't want to be stuck with in a situation he didn't ask for. i think he's already fond of mithrun to some degree by this point, but even so... his concern is evident, and it's not self-serving. kabru isn't trying to keep mithrun alive to further his own goals... he's trying to keep mithrun alive because he's a person and he deserves to live. we know kabru has no qualms with murdering people if they're "bad" (and what that says for him and his perceptions about when it's okay to choose life or death for someone else is surely an entire post on its own), but he doesn't want mithrun to die nor does he think mithrun is worthy of death in general.

anyway this is why i stopped reading and started making this post. kabru wished to care for mithrun so bad that the dungeon answered his call. the way mithrun says this, it implies this isn't just a normal desire; the dungeon would be granting wishes all the time in that case. (however, through his lens, we for sure can spot the many times it has helped the touden party). the desire here was just that strong.

haha do you remember when mithrun reveals his true remaining desire at the end of the manga. remember how he didn't know before the fight was over. that he thought it was revenge he wanted. but actually it was for the demon to finish him off. haha. i just think

anyway kabumisu good. and this is only the beginning of their dynamic!!!

[heyclickadee]

Random Tech Thoughts:

1. Tech is low key the funniest character on The Bad Batch. I honestly think that when it sounds like he’s being accidentally sarcastic, he’s actually being sarcastic or funny on purpose, but that it doesn’t come across as intentional because his affect is so even.

2. Thank you to whoever it was in character design that decided Tech’s eyes would be visible even when he’s got his helmet on. His voice is pretty flat and he doesn’t do much emoting with the bottom half of his face, but his eyes are super expressive. The artists basically gave us a neon sign saying where to look.

3. I know everyone interprets the “What feeling?” line as, “What FEELING? What are you talking about? Flying isn’t about a feeling at all, Omega. It’s a purely mechanical exercise,” but I always read it a little differently. I hear it as, “WHAT feeling? Which one? I have a lot of feelings when I fly, Omega. You’re going to have to be more specific.” I mean…you don’t get to be that much of a show off in the pilot’s seat if you don’t care…

4. Likewise, when Tech tells Wrecker that Crosshair is severe and unyielding and that Crosshair can’t change that and neither can they, he’s not making an objective statement on how Crosshair’s an irredeemable bastard who was always evil. He’s saying that Crosshair is harsh and stubborn, that if Crosshair apparently can’t make better life choices on his own then they can’t make him, and he’s saying it because he’s just as pissed off as everyone else.

5. Just as I think Wrecker is much smarter than people give him credit for, he just has some language processing issues due to what I’m assuming is a TBI, I also think Tech is a lot more emotionally intelligent than people give him credit for; he’s just doesn’t show it the same way.

6. This one’s more of a headcanon, but Tech doesn’t actually have that bad of a receding hairline (though he does absolutely have one). He just shaved it that way for the ✨aesthetic✨

[giish]

posted by NymphaeAvernales 1 yr. ago

The comment I'm about to copy/paste came from a post in..I think it was AITA, maybe R_A….of a guy who wanted to abandon his fiancee just a few months after she was injured,and he wasn't even acting as caretaker or anything at the time. I was shocked at the number of people basically telling him he wasn't obligated to give one single fuck about the woman he supposedly loved, but this commenter really let the guy have it.

*I see a lot of patients whose partners do this to them. Many of them have other health challenges including TBIs and other neurological problems on top of what I’m seeing them regarding. In fact, I’m often seeing them because of depression or attempted suicide due to abandonment.

It is overwhelmingly men who abandon their severely ill partners. If I see men in these situations, their wives and fiancées usually stick with them and take on their care, and usually we have to step in a little to gently remind them to get the care and rest they need too where possible. When a woman is in this situation, more than half the cases I see feature the man emotionally checking out, doing everything he can to half-ass her care, blaming her, becoming emotionally neglectful and abusive, and then leaving.

So be assured that you’re normal. The overwhelming majority of other men in your situation would also abandon the woman they claimed to love and want to share a life with pretty much as soon as they’re not getting anything out of it. You won’t be alone, and you will find a huge number of people to make sympathetic noises and assure you that you did the right thing for poor you.

And you know what - yeah, this is an overwhelmingly hard situation. It’s one of the worst things a person can face. It’s terrifying. It changes everything. You will have a more fun life and be less stressed and be better cared for yourself and be happier in your other relationships etc if you leave.

But you need to be clear that the emotional trauma of abandonment kills. At least she’s physically cared for so it won’t have that effect, but taking away one of the tiny pieces of emotional joy she has left? Leaving her trapped in her wounded body, grieving for you, helpless to do anything to change it, with this whole new kind of pain and bitterness to cloud up her thoughts?

You will set back her recovery. Truly you might kill her. At the very least you will profoundly compound her trauma. She might never recover from this accident; she will also never recover from you. You will become an active contributor to how terrible the worst thing to ever happen to her was, and if she doesn’t survive it will partly be your fault.

Her parents may well react to you with disgust, as will others. People on here are suggesting you speak to them first. You probably still should, but don’t go in there expecting that conversation to involve them giving one single fuck about how sad you are that she’s no longer of use to you so poor you has to move on. Don’t try to convince them your abandonment of her is okay; it’s not. Just tell them plainly that you’re going to leave her and ask them to be aware that she will be in unbearable distress and will need even greater care once you’ve done this. Don’t try to soften it; you can’t. Don’t try to phrase it nicely; it will just add self-serving dishonesty to the list of your features. Don’t try to pretend you’re not being a bad person by doing this. You will be.

You will move on with your therapist, and you will be fine. People who do appalling things justify them to themselves with alarming alacrity; it’s just a mental and emotional self defence mechanism. You’ll be fine and picking up the next poor woman with a sob story about how you “lost” your last partner in no time.

But if you have a conscience, this will be on it for the rest of your life. And if you have any sense, you won’t ask anyone else to marry you again. You don’t want a marriage; you don’t actually want a partner; you claim to love someone, and however much you were capable of love, that’s still apparently not enough to make you treat them with decency and compassion when it might cost you something.

Them’s the breaks. You can do something incredibly hard and painful that will hurt you, or you can let down and abandon someone you claim to love in a completely monstrous fashion. There’s no way to do this and not be a terrible human being, and you’re just going to have to live with that* (context link)

[hausofmamadas]

so like i've joked about it before sksks but this reblog.... i coould be wrong now, but i'm fairly fucking certain this is the first reblog that is actually as long as the fic

It gives you different markers now, different structures to shape the friendship around.

Okay I am already loving the establishment of the history, the length of the relationship and then how that’s changed as they’ve grown older cause really it would be so hard to stay friends with someone who has maybe a bit of a Peter Pan complex only with more coke involved sjsjsjsjsjsj

Simple. There you were, there he was. Now, you have to pencil him in like any other obligation.

I cant remember exactly what you said but you actually complimented me on something like this at one point?? And you called it something academic and literary and fancy that I can’t remember rn bc I know nothing of nothing and you have a whole ass master’s degree in the thing but like the simplicity of the language and sentence structure here makes this so much more powerful. Like I’m always trying to condense what I write bc I feel like I’m way too wordy and there are times where it really just s l a p s so much fucking harder to state something plainly

He isn’t an obligation. You try not to let him feel like one.

OHHHHHHHHH MY THIS IS JUST 🥺🥺🥺 BUT THEN ALSO THE CONTRADICTIINS OF LIKE THEY JUST SAID HES BECOME LIKE ANY OTHER OBLIGATION EVEN THO THEY DONT WANT HIM TO BE OR DONT WANT TO THINK OF HIM THAT WAY AT LEAST LIKE UUGH MY HEART ALREADY

‘Finally,’ is how he greets you, when you see him at last.

STORITTOTPPPPPPPPO MY TINY GRINCH HEART CANNOT CAAAANNOT TAKE IT, JUST HOW RAFA THIS REALLY FUCKING IS. LIKE I CAN HEAR IT SO PERFECTLY “por fin” im crying

He doesn’t comment on the mess, the mismatched furniture, the dishes, the piles of books and paints across the dining table.

SKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSJS the prospect of Rafa like crashing at your place for a visit and criticizing the furniture is so funny to me bc he wouldn’t bc literallt sksksks the man does not have a single leg to stand on when it comes to decor KEKW

‘Dios mio,’ you laugh, ‘you actually did it, Rafi.’

OKAY ON MY LIIIIIIIIIFE, RAFI???? RAFI. MY MIND IS BROKEN. ITS THE SWEETEST NICKNAME. IDK HOW NO ONE EVER CALLED HIM THAT ON THE SHOW. I LOVE IT IDK WHY BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH

‘I thought you’d smoke too many of the samples and forget what you were doing, tonto.’

SCREAMINSSKKS bc this is 100% what I’d personally expect him to do too although he was a lot more disciplined in the beginning with that sort of shit but you know he was baked out of his gourd on the regular stillskskss

He’s explained the idea enough times already, but it never sticks, it doesn’t connect in you, the way it does for him. It’s in one ear, out the other. He’s always been for it, science, statistics, experiments and the answers beneath…

Just copy/pasting this entire ass paragraph who among us thinks this’ll be the last I do that in this post? No one? Good you know me well sksks but I feel like this is so fucking accurate and also something that’s so easy to forget in light of how he turns out by the end of the show. Like he’s kind of a fucking botanical whiz?? Even Neto was like, “tf? This kid’s a genius?” in the pilot ep. Like bc he succumbs to addiction, it’s easy to forget what an actual big deal it was, creating a new fucking cash crop essentially, so I love the focus on that from the get, es como que… a veces, él está siendo estupido pero no es estupido, si me sientes

His free hand goes into his jean pocket, retrieving the tin that’s never far from his person. It’s made of a rusty, scratched copper, held together with a loose elastic band.

Okay but whyyyyyttttttt does the idea of Rafa carrying a little fucking tin of bud around at all times the most correct thing in my actual life

You hum, acknowledging without really listening, and flip open his tin.

KSSKSKSKKS NO CRYYYYING BC TBIS IS EXACTLY HOW I WOULD RESPOND just like “este wey🙄can I just try the shits instead of you reciting a whole Wikipedia (encyclopedia?) page about the thing”

Rafa laughs, pinching the sound short by biting into his lip. Then he shrugs. ‘What? I had to. I still brought you some, didn’t I?’

KAKSKSKS I HAD TO, OH REALLYRAFA, WAS IT A MORAL IMPERATIVE THAT YKU GET BAKED OUT OF YOUR GOURD ON YOUR OWN NEW SUPERSTRAIN OF WEEDJSKSKSJ ESO ES LO QUE TE DIJERON LOS DIOSES DE MOTA??

A purpose, he must think, direction at last. ‘My job,’ he says proudly, ‘is to make sure the product is good.’

suuuuuuure yes, sure go ahead and lob this brick at my fucking chest with “a purpose … a direction at last” bc I swear this man does not do well with idle hands, like part of the reason for his breakdown is the fact that he’s literally given nothing else to fucking do. And this is where I’m like, sure Miguel is smart for putting the whole thing together but being top dog means you gotta be at least a leeeeeeeeeetle bit of a ppl person. Like if he’d made Rafa feel like he had some kind of purpose way earlier when he started makin moves with the Colombians, shit prolllllyyy wouldn’t have gone quite as sideways but also tf do I know about running a cartel actually

You smile, infected by him, by the excitement glowing off of him.

STRRRRRTTTIOOOOPPP NO BC a) I KNOW THE EXACT FUCKING SMILE… it’s this smile

and b) I feel like this is a quality universally acknowledged in almost every rafa fic I’ve ever read that his smile is literally like the most blinding shot of earnestness and joy, you literally cannot say no to whatever pendejadas he’s proposing. even María on her worst day couldn’t resist it sksksksks

Scared to admit the dream aloud. ‘Si, es solo el comienzo, sabes?’

NO OKAYSSKSSKSN I AM BANGING A GAVEL AND CALLONG EVERYONE ALL 2 OF US BC IMJUSTSOSORRY I have given this so much thought, like the essence, the thesis for Rafa is that this mf is at his core, a d r e a m e r like embedded in his identity. So like having something to aspire to, beyond the like cock solid ngl this was supposed to say rock solid but i had to let the greatest typo of all time ride sksks freebase hit of power that Miguel’s constantly simping after, is a fucking necessity for this man. He doesn’t know who he is if he doesn’t have some kind of dream so I love that you included that here

You put the joint between your lips and hold out a hand. ‘Pues,’ you prompt, ‘give me a light. Let me see the future.’

OHSSHUUUUUUTTHEFUCKINGFRONTDOOR WITH THIS SLICK ASF DIALOGUE, OH IM MAD, IM MAD MAD MAD, IM SHOOTING SPITBALLS AT YOU FROM A STRAW RN, BC THAT LINE IS SOOOSKSKSJWJWB SM LRKENE GOTDAMN INSPIRED AND I HATE YOU FOR IT (cariñoso por supuesto)

Says something else about soil, earth, plants and lying scientists, fucking lying scientists. You blink against the dark, push the heel of your free palm into your eye sockets.

Sksssscreeching at “fuckint lying scientists” bc ppl legit don’t understand that the scientific method is a way of testing hypotheses that we DONT KNOW ARE CORRECT YET LIKE FFS YOURE TRTING TO SEE IF IT’S RIGHT OR WRONG so the minute a scientist gives any kind of answer tangentially resembling “I don’t know,” people start flipping tables over and screaminfksksks and Rafa is one of those ppl despite his raw intelligence. BUT THEN SKSKSKSKS THE WHOLE HEEL OF YOUR PALM INTO YOUR EYE SOCKETSSSJSJS I’m both marveling at the simple yet so-vivid description of this action bc i can see it SOO clearly and also choking bc anyone who’s ever dealt with a Big Sad Rafa, you know for a fucking fact they’ve done this exact thing at least once literally fuckinsksksks Miguel, as much as I hate him and much of this is largely of his own making, he has rightfully done this exact thing like 20 times in the show like if I had the time, I’d straight make a gif of the exact scene I’m thinking of sksk

He isn’t there to look at, but you pretend that he is. Imagine him sitting at the end of your bed, head in his hands, tears streaking down his cheeks. If he was, you’d reach a hand out. Run it along the ridge of his spine and watch him decompress. It’s easier to know what to say to him when you have him there, like that. Even just in your head.

Alright sksksksjjs here tf we go with the first full-ass paragraph but I literally????? do not even know what to do?? or who I am??? or where to begin?? bc likeGODDDDD okay, the sentiment of this entire paragraph is just so??? it just smacks of like Reader trying to protect themselves from their own mind by like leaning into this hypothetical scenario wherein Rafa is not full fuckint mess that they know he damn well is but THEN as if that wasn’t enough, you had to throw in this interesting dynamic where like they have to relate to Real Rafa by retreating into this part of their brain that they keep Ideal Rafa like all the best parts of him concentrated in one spot so they don’t forget the more he loses himself AND UFH SISKSKSKD ITS JUET SO FUCKING SENSIBLE AND SAD AND IM SHAKING MY FIST INTO THE SKY FULLY GET-OFF-MY-LAWN-YOU-VARMINTS, BOOMER GRANDPA

You hear a thunk in you ear like he’s struck the handset against the nearest wall. He has, no doubt, but it holds. The call stays connected and buzzing in your palm.

Soryajsjsjsjsj bc all im thinking about is that one part where he chucks that gold phone from the second floor and it shatters into a million pieces and liksksksksks I bet they had to have like some kind of warehouse of spare phones, aksksks maybe it’s at the Arellano warehouse or like some contingency built in the budget for spare phones bc Rafa’s decimated so many of themsksksks i imagine it’s a contingency budget similar to like movie sets have for props like sunglasses n shit

The Rafa on the end of your bed is pacing now, stood up and tracing lines into your floorboards. Moving helps him think, it always has, the motion forces the idea to catch and roar into life, like starting an engine.

OHHHHHHH I WWSSKSKSKS AWEAR TO FUCKING CHRIST HERSELFFDDFDDDD I COULD ACTUALLY STRANGLE YOU WITH LOVE I FULLY FUCKINT DONT EVNA GOD.

I literally had to get up and walk around for a second so I could fucking regain my composure and figure out how tf to say how this made me feel. Like the mental image of him tracing lines in the floorboard, mulling it over but that it’s like a fuckimxksjsjwjwjwnw visual exercise for Reader to figure out what to say, how to help him. Like there’s a deep thread of longing in that but it’s really fucking singular in nature to their dynamic specifically bc there’s an element of codependence mixed with self awareness almost??? Like the fact that they kinda need him to be okay for them to be okay and they’re usually this memory palace visualization sksjsjsjssidoaospwondsjsjnwjq to make him oka— Look. Listen. What I’m saying is just ….. ogres are like onions, okay. LAYERS BABY, LAYERRRRRRSSSSSS

You can hear it connect, weirdly, in the silence that follows. Hear the gears click, the brain turn.

NO STOPPS SKSKS I AM CHOKING BC IM JUST PICTURING HIS EXPRESSION AS FULL :WOAHDEEBY: BUT RAFAFIED and by godddkskdkkss it’s making me laugh so fucking hard to the point of hyperventilation, like that laugh with no sound. No sjsjsjs the more I’m thinking about it the more I cannot stooooospkdk fucking laughing

He takes a breath that stills his lungs properly this time, rather than stuffing them with desperate, needed air, then says your name like you’re a genius. Like you’re him.

LIKE YOURE HIM 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 OH WHY MUST YOY ATTACK ME WITH SOMETHINT SO BEAUTIFUL AND TOUCHING I already need a lung transplant from the laughing at this point, why must we continue to deal this damage to my person

‘Don’t kill yourself, tonto.’ Don’t blow yourself to pieces for the sake of water, for the sake of Miguel and his precious sinsemilla.

HOOOOO HOO HOO GUURRRRRRR the not-so-undercover shade👀👀 and resentment👀👀 towards Miguel that is packed into this Mf has got me so 👀 bc what does Reader know. How does Reader have his number so soon am I latching onto this thing that prob means nothing and reading too much into it…. don’t answer that…… probably

He laughs down the line. ‘I’m dead either way, friend. Better I go with a bang.’

GODDDD WHEN I THINK ABOUT WAHT THIS IS IN SOANISHSSISKEK ITS SO FUCKINT DEAD ON RAFA

Me chingue sea como sea, carnal. Pues mejor salir con una 💥 bang.

Imjustsosoryyyysjsjsjsjd it could come right from a script for one of the episodes

You walk through his home like a guest, not a friend. You merge with the walls the way the staff does.

OH SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY THIS FUCKINTGGGGGGG KNOCKED ME ON MY ASS TF

He could find a job for you, he says. You could sit by his pool and earn money like it grows, right there, in the flowerbeds. You could live like he does, if you wanted.No, Rafi, I like what’s mine. I like the quiet.

OH NO, GOOD, SO THENS THENNNNNNNNNNNNNN YOU JUST HAAAAAAAD TO GO AND ASSAULT ME WITH “I like what’s mine. I like the quiet” BC THIS IS THE STICKING POINT RIGHT TF HERE, THIS IS THE REASON THE WHOLE THING IS FUCKING DOOMED and tbh, it’s extra fucked with double-anchovies on top bc the fact of the matter is, the quiet would actually be better for Rafa but what he wants and what’s good for him literallyyyyyyy never fucking overlap. But like this was all I could think about when I was writing him, was like …. man, maybe it’s better to leave some things as just dreams ksksksns at least for our pobre Rafitito

You touch the fabric just to feel it. You’d never owned anything this smooth, this well made.

there’s always the most mundane of moments in every readerfic that make me go “oh maaaaan, me too, homie” sksks this is that moment

There’s white under his nostrils, you haven’t missed that, but you haven’t commented on it, either. At least he smells of smoke as well. At least he’s balancing it out.

NOOOOOOSKSKSKSKSKS NO YOU DID NOT JUST DO THE RATIONALIZATION OF HARDCORE DRUGS WITH AT LEAST MANS IS BALANCING HIS UPPERS AND DOWNERS I AN FUCKING SIDJRJRJDJDJD I AM CHOKING, SEIZING, CANNOT BREATHE, HAVING AN ANEURYSM SKSKSK

He hasn’t even noticed your reaction yet. ‘She didn’t take me seriously,’ he says, ‘last time. She made fun of my clothes.’

The way my heart just grew to thrice his size just remembering our pobrecito trying to dance with Sofia literally shouting over the music, “no soy un pinshe mesero” SKSKSK and then pouting on his way back to the table when she still wouldn’t give him the time of day which let’s be real, Sofia was fully trolling all of us including her fucking self bc mija, imjustsosorry that Rafa was wearing the fucking a dopest shirt I’ve ever seen in that scene, like that one is bar none my favorite of all of his shirts on the show i truly believe Ramon was inspired by Rafa to up his shirt game, no one will fucking convince me otherwise

You let him continue. Your brain is still trying to scramble to the point where any of this makes sense.‘Her father is el Secretario de Educacion.’ He sighs. His hands go to his hips. ‘I want to impress her.’A new project, you realise, that’s what he’s found. Something he can’t have, something impossible. Something to solve.

SKSKSKSKSKKDLFJKSLDKJFA TRYING TO SCRAMBLE TO THE POINT WHERE ANY OF THIS MAKES SENSE IDK WHY SKKSS BUT I AM CRYING SO HARD RNsksksksks bc like for some reason this line specifically made me think of liek Reader’s brain is a Magic 8 Ball and they’re shaking it to get some kind of answer within the realm of clarity only their Magic 8 Brain keeps coming up with those annoying, cryptic, noncommittal answers like “reply hazy, try again” or “concentrate and ask again” akskskskks and the mental image in the context of like what we as viewers know what’s going to happen which is a faked kidnapping attempt of this well-known politician’s daughter and like the logic of that entire fucking shitshow is actually fully sending me in a way I have never been sent before. BUT THENENNNNN SKSKS as if being sent further than I’ve been sent before isn’t enough, I literally skdfsjdkf am so goddamn WOAHDEEBY to the fucking max at “A new project … that’s what he’s found. Something he can’t have, something impossible” bc I have never, ever, ever considered in those exact terms but that does completely fit with my whole hc of Rafa as an interminable dreamer till his last days bc there’s an element of dreams that are unattainable and like he becomes restless when he doesn’t have something too look forward to or reach or whatever and aasbaopsdfhaoisdjhf;a now i’m just fucking babbling like I’ve taken too much of my ADHD medication joke’s on you, I haven’t….this is just what straight ADHD is but like goddddd the thought put into his psyche, I’m just tipping my hat off, that’s what the fuck I’m trying to say

He’s always worn what he liked, always put himself to the world exactly as he is, no apology, no polish. Just him, wild as he came.

NOOOOSDKFJALKSJDF;LAKJSD FK;SHFASJD F;ALKSJ WHY TF AM I ACTUALLLY SALIVATING AT “NO APOLOGY, NO POLISH. JUST HIM, WILD AS HE CAME.” LIKE HWY IS THAT ACCIDENTALLY THE HOTTETST DESCRIPTION OF THIS CHAOTIC MF THAT I’VE EVER, EVER, EVER READ IN ALL OF MY TWENTY EIGHT YEARS ON THIS FUCKING PLANET

‘Is she worth all this?’ You point at them lazily. ‘How much did this cost you, tonto?’ ‘You sound jealous,’ he says, smiling, trying to pass it off as a joke.

in every fucking friends to lovers situation, there comes that moment where my face goes to SpongeBob “you like krabby patties,” and you guys, we are here skskdfjskdjfks we’ve arrived only BOTH RAFA AND I ARE “YOU LIKE KRAAAABBY PATTIIIIEEEESSSS”

And you’re jealous of Sofia, too. You wish you weren’t but you are. It creeps up to you, the longer you stand here, it crawls up your trouser legs, into your ears along with her name. She caught his eyes, his heart. You got the brain and everything else, but she has a part of him that he never shared with you. Never tried to.

NO. NO. EVERYONE I AM– I LITERALLY– I CANNOT– I AM INCOHERENT FUCKING INCOHERENT, DO YOU UNDERSTAND??? MY CIRCUITS ARE FUCKINIIIIIIIINGNNSDKFJSLDJF SCRAMBLED BY THE DEEP LONGING, SORROW, RESENTMENT, HOW VISCERAL THIS IS, THE IMAGERY, I’M KISSING YOU ON BOTH CHEEKS LIKE I’M ITALIAN, I’M PUNCHING YOU IN THE THROAT, I’M THROWING THINGS, I’M THAT MEME OF ALL THOSE GAJILLION SPONGEBOBS RUNNING AROUND WITH ALL THE FILE CABINETS ON FIRE, I’M IN A BALL, IN THE FETAL POSITION, ON THE FLOOR, UGLY CRYING AND ASKING SOMEONE TO HELP ME SKSKKSKSK bc even though it’s not explicitly stated, the way this sooooooojust smacks of like….. like he’s always sort of been there, available sometimes too emotionally available sksksk bc it’s Rafa sksks mans is a mess. Mans probably needs a wife and a mom and a teacher and a housekeeper and a camp counselor all in one for a partner to feel emotionally secure in anyway sksk Reader is like 4/5 at this point and bc he’s always been there, no action is taken to ever change the dynamic of the relationship despite the clear allusions to Reader’s desire to maybe do so and allusions to Reader’s very wise and responsible choice of self-preservation over a passionate love affair with a coke-addled botanic genius man-baby who reports to an even larger man-baby only that one is uptight and duplicitous asf but now that the opportunity to change the dynamic is taken away, Reader is left just like, “fuck. missed my chance and like that’s probably more a good than a bad thing but fuck if I’m not still gonna feel butthurt about it”

That’s how he is. Passionate. He fixates, he works, he wins. Loves with a tunnel vision that you’ll never understand.

GODDDDDDLKSJDKF THE WAY YOU HAVE JUST THOUGHT THIS MF THROUGH, NAILED HIM DOWN TO A T, AND IT FUCKING SHOWS IN MOMENTS LIKE THIS. Also loving the tone of like……. Admiration? Of his steadfastness in all things? And simultaneous like lamenting that quality at the same time bc like sksksaklsdkfal we all know the shitshow that arises from Rafa just running shit into the ground with the force of a comet that only passes the Earth every 200 years or whateverlskdsk

‘She won’t care, Rafa. Eres guapo. Te ves rico.’ And that’s what they like, girls like her. That’s what matters. ‘You be good to her, okay? Treat her right. She’s not someone you should mess around.’

I can’t determine if the warning here is like, “Rafa don’t be a psycho, druggie piece of shit to this poor girl who has no idea what she’s getting herself into plot twist: she does and she’s worse than he is ksksksksk or if it’s liiiiiike, “please don’t do anything to bring the wrath of the government upon yourself by treating this politician’s daughter badly” sksksk or both??? Like if it’s the first one, idk why that warms me to Reader like makes me think “what a homie” bc I stan tf out of a character that can set their jealousy aside long enough to humanize the person who’s the object of their envy and also like fuck it, all men are garbage. All non-cis-men unite, gotta have each other’s backs sksksk and like if it’s the second one, I’m screamingskskdjksjfdks bc Rafa’s gonna do everything that is the antithesis of careful and is absolutely going to incur the wrath of the PRI, that’s literally the entire plot of the second half of S1 skskksksskks

How little it became about himself, or what he wanted. How close he’d stumbled to the edge without you waiting a step behind.

UGHHSHDHFLSJHDFLSKJDFKLAJ;SLKDJFA;LKJSDF;LAKJSD;FKLJ A;SLDKJF;ALSJD F;LAJSD F;LAJ WITHOUT YOU WAITING A STEP BEHIND, I’M FUCKING SKDFJSLKDJFLSK SICK TO MY STOMACH, SICK AND CRYING AND ROCKING BACK AND FORTH, SENDING OUT SOS SMOKE SIGNALS BC I DO NEED MENTAL HELP AS MUCH AS DEAR RAFA

You didn’t ask, he didn’t tell, so you lived through the whispers of him. Maybe it’s time, you thought, maybe he’s outgrown you at last. Maybe this is the part where you don’t play catch up.

Dopedopedopedopedopedopedopedopedopedopedope sosososososos just so fucking dope that you just continuously feel the need to pummel me in the fucking face, line by line, you were literally typing this being like, “how do I personally commit terrorisms across the Atlantic to my df, dear friend, Kay. Ohhhhhsdkfjsldkfjslkdj we’ll do this, just fucking torpedo of sadness after torpedo of sadness in the most poetic and touching way I can think of muhahahahhahahahah” don’t even try to deny it I already checked my secret cameras, and I have the receipts, transcripts, all on tape of you talking out loud, planning this brutal personal attack on me and like if I wasn’t presently undead, I’d be giving you a round of applause bc your plan worked perfectly

Snipped ties worse than you had, ones with actual weight. Purpose. Structure that couldn’t afford to be pulled from under him.

slides glasses down bridge of nose and smiles diabolically oh??????? Gorl????? Dramatic irony? is that you I see hiding behind that bush?????? waiting to ambush me as I mind my own fucking business as if I’ve ever minded my own business on my morning walk???? as if I’ve ever taken a morning walksksk it’s fine well, too bad bitch, cause I spotted your sneaky ass before you got the chance to ruin me lies, I’m still ruined bc the fact that Reader understands to some degree their importance to Rafa but at the same time discredit the structure they, themself(?) themselves(?) have been providing throughout their entire friendship but ranks that structure as having lesser value when it’s almost like … if they’d stuck around or been involved in the business directly, so they were more tied to him on a day-to-day basis, would their influence have maybe changed the outcome bc they did provide structure? Who can say. Im sure this makes absolutely negative amounts of sense but I just thought it was intriiiiiiguing

So now he was off the coke, too. Cold turkey and rotting from it.

GOOOOODDDDDDDD THE JUST FULLY JUGGERNAUT ME BETWEEN THE EYES AND KNOCK ME ON MY ASS WHY DONT YOU. LIKE I READ THIS SHIT AND IMMEDIATELY WANTED TO START WRITING MYSELF, SO INSPIRED SDSFSLKDFJLS SHIT SLAPT!!!!! and likiiiiiike we don’t need to get into it, I will just say from my hoodrat days, that is a ROUGH fucking comedownskksksksk

They’ve shut him in like a beast, oiled mahogany set firmly between them and him, him and you.

ASDLKJFA;LSDJF AOKAAYY AGAIN FUCKING JUST SLAMMING ME LEFT AND RIGHT, I’M LIKE NOT EVEN A WHOLE PERSON ANYMORE AT THIS POINT??????A?SD?FA?SD?FA “they’ve shut him in like a beast” like the whole lore of the Wolf Man could be altogether one giant allegory for detox because like low-key that’s what it looks and feels like. It is messy, it is violent, it is agonizing to endure and/or watch and something about the way you’ve put that with the imagery of what the room looks like, just gave me such fucking Wolf Man vibes, gave me actual fucking goosebumps te lo juro

It’s a den, a cage. Distress that’s been played out and abandoned afterwards.

AND WOLFMAN VIIIIIBES PERSIST ALONG WITH THE CONTINUED, CEASELESS, PERSISTENT DAMAGE THAT KEEP DEALING TO ME LIKE THE MOST VINDICTIVE DUNGEON MASTER LIKE DAMN, I’M AT NEGATIVE HIT POINTS, CAN’T KEEP FUCKING DOIN THIS SHIT DO YOU UNDERSTAANLDFJALKSDJFA;LKJSDF;ALK

…more of a wet room than the stylised bathroom it was designed to be. Like walking into the overused swamp of a public swimming pool.

Oh MAAAANANNNN this is such a fucking doozy of a description, like it’s so tangible, I’m fucking there, I’m there and my hair is frizzy and I’m annoyed and i’m also applauding the skill skskksksk

‘It’s me,’ you say, louder now. His head lifts weakly. ‘Sofia?’ No, not her, only you.

OH GOOD GOTDAAAAMNNNNFNSKLDFJS DUDE NO EVERYONE, EVERYONE SIT TF DOWN AND SHUT TF UP BC THIS IS LIKE????????? I DON’T???????? EVEN KNOW HOW ALSDKFJALSKDJF;ALJ OHOW TO ADEQUATELY EXPRESS THE WAY THIS MADE ME FEELL?????????????????????? Like …. There’s something like a declaration, the way Reader says, “no, not her, only you.” Like I depending on how you read it, it could be like sadness, lamentation, feelings of inadequacy which would totally make sense to me, but for some reason, the way I read it was like, “no, not her, only you” as in “yeah, me. The one who’s been here for you every time you’ve needed it, while the rest of the world was spinning, iwas the only one still and waiting, and now you’re here and so am i” and idk if that’s even the most accurate interpretation of that but GOOOODDAAAAAMMMMMMMMNNNNN WHEN I SAY I CLUTCHED MY CHEST AND KEELED OVER LIKE SOMEONE IN ONE OF THOSE LIFE ALERT COMMERCIALS

You don’t know enough about withdrawals to know if it’s normal. If he’s supposed to look like this, if it’s part of the process. You don’t know if it’s even the drugs at all, but you know him, and you know this is bad for him. Lights off in the fucking dark.

Okay first off, “lights off in the fucking dark,” :lebrontear: bc jfc the way I felt this straight to the core of my soul and secondly…… with how much cocaine Rafa was doing especially the coke in the 80s which was usually more pure, cut with less nonsense, so a lot stronger this is….p normal skdkskksksk

What if this is him now? What if this is what happened while you were away, and it’s set too deep to be undone?

What if this is me now … a disassmbled pile of bones, like I was one of those lego people and someone just pulled me apart and left me in tiny pieces on the floor just waiting for some unsuspecting adult to step on me, causing shooting pain into their foot like they’ve just stepped on actual shards of glass bc you apparently decided you just had to fucking disassemble? Idk what I did to make you hurt me so but I’m literally worse off than Rafa at this point so great, hope you’re happy

‘I miss you,’ he says, in the same way. Desperate, quick, like he’s only got a few words left to give. ‘You know that, right? I miss you, too.’

LITEREALLLLYYYYFSLDKFJA;LSDKJF;ALKSDJF;LAKJSDF;LAKJSD;FLKJA;SLDIJF ATHIS HAS TO FUCKING STOP, THIS IS BECOMING A FUCKING WAR CRIME AT THIS POINT, A VIOLATION OF THE UNITED NATIONS’ STANDARDS OF VIRTUAL ENGAGEMENT WITH FOREIGN COUNTRIES that sounds even less real than I thought it wouldsks

Pounding on your door and peppering the button until the bell can’t complete a full ring anymore. It just spits out one shrill note, over and over.

Okyaskfjalskdjfa;lskjd;flajsd; okayokayokay bc here’s that time where I whip out my detective notepad and tiny glasses and begin feverishly jotting down notes skskskks bc I’m internally I guess it’s not so internal given this is going on the inter webs for my -3 followers to see FUCKING SHRIEKING AT THE LITERARY GENIUS THAT I MUST SOMEHOW FIND A WAY TO ABSORB THROUGH OSMOSIS AND HARNESS FOR MYSELF TO LEVEL UP MY OWN SHIT SKSKSKSKSKKSKS and I’m gonna call this specific Skill You Have, “Naming and/or Describing Stuff That I’ve Seen/Heard A Million Times irl In the Most Unique and Poetic Way Possible” like the doorbell, if you asked me to sit down and fucking describe what that sounds like, I would literally just be

BUT HTENSKDFJSKDFJ THEN READ THIS, it’s one of those moments where I’m like “oh that’s so spot-on, how could I not summon those words, that’s so fucking clever”

Rushed to your door with an urgency you can’t grasp onto yet; it slips through your fingers, like him, like what you had. Scatters in the hallway like dropped ball-bearings. You can’t catch him like you used to.

throws chair violently like that one Jon Bernthal Punisher gif that’s it. I’m fucking done. I’m done????? Do you understand???? I’m done. I will not continue to SIT IDLY BY WHILE YOU CONTINUE TO ABUSE ME THIS WAY, ESTA NO ES LA FORMA DE TRATARA UNA CAMARADA, OKEYYYYYYYYY???

‘Have you actually stopped to think? I have a job, Rafa, a life. I’m not involved in your,’ your search for the word, the title of all his erratic decisions: adventures, war, ‘bullshit.’ Yeah, that fits.

Skskskkskskskks i have no idea why, maybe bc Reader has fucking HAD it and it’s so sarcastic and fucking over-this-shit, but I did start reading the end of this in Spanishsksksksk “Aventuras, guerra, ‘pendejadas.’ Aye, se queda bien”

‘Have you planned any part of this, or did you do too much coke and come here on a whim?’ you ask evenly. You’re not judging him, but you have to know. Fear or drugs. It’s one of the two. You stare at him afterwards, waiting for an answer.

FEAR OR DRUGSSDKFSLDKJFLSKJDF WHY DID THAT MAKE ME m CACKLE SO HARRDDD IT’S LIKE NOT THAT FUNNY BUT IT IS BC LIKE MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS “por que no los dos??”

‘Well, yeah. It’s all paid for, carnale.’ You scoff. ‘You only have to get on the plane.’

NASODFA;SDLKFJA;SKJDF NO I AMMMASDFKAL HAVING A FUCKING ANEURYSM LAUGHING SO HARD SKDFJSLDKFJ AT ATHIS ;DFJGUCKING SHIT. LIKE RAFA. RAFAAAAAA. AMORCITO, CHIQUITO. THE COST OF THE PLANE TICKETS AND THE OBSCENELY EXTRAVAGANT RESORT YOU’RE STAYING AT IS SO FAR FROM TEH FUCKING POINT I’M SHOCKED THAT YOU EVEN MADE IT TO THE HOUSE WITH A SHIRT ON BC CLEARLY YOUR MENTAL FACULTIES ARE SO BACK ASSWARDS BUT ALSO LIKE SKSJDKSJKSKA THIS IS COREECT LIKE HE WAS THIS ABSURD

‘She wants to come with me,’ he answers. ‘And I want you to come too, once it’s safe.’

Rafa trying to make his throuple dreams come true, only I’m pretty sure once Reader and Sofia arrive on the island, only one of them is leaving the island bc homicide has occurred bc they are so beyond opposites, they couldn’t last more than a week without one murdering the other sksksk

But what are you even agreeing to? What does he need you for, when he’d have Sofia with him already? Why would you go if he was going to— ‘You aren’t coming back, are you?’

CUE ME SKDJFLSJK WOAHDEEBY RIGHT ALONG WITH READER, LIKE OFC SKSKSKKS HE’S TRYING TO PACK ALL HIS FAVORITE TOYS IN HIS SUITCASE CAUSE HE RAELLY IS NEVER COMING BACK

One final time, you could show out for him just one final time, and then put it to bed. No more friendship, no more relying on you to pile up the bricks again. If he can’t come home afterwards, then you will, alone, and he’ll be free to take on the world. All by himself. Just as he wanted to.

Sorry sddlfja;sdkjf;a bc no, I just have to make this shit about me always, at all times, everywhere, this. shit. This reminds me so much of the Rafa/María thingy I did, like clean slate, getting to take on the world, except it’s fucked bc he’s not sober. Like yeah, my Rafa was cracked in the head bc he’d been cracked in the head a great many times sdkksjdfklsdj but your Rafa, this Rafa, is spun tf out on coke, desperate, and running for his life sldkfjsklj like the hope at the end of my story isn’t here, and it’s making my stomach AND MY CHEST HURT BC I KNOW THIS IS ALL GOING TO END IN A BALL OF FLAMES

A laugh you don’t like twitches out of him; he isn’t taking it seriously. He doesn’t realise how easy it is to fall yet, how close he is to the sun.

FUUUUCKKSJFDSLFKJSL describing his laugh as TWITCHING OUT OF HIM is like so on-point for a tweaker like Rafa, I can see it and it’s making me cringe and I’m also scribbling in my detective’s notepad and crying to myself, and swearing bc the tears keep smearing the ink and I keep having to scratch out the diligent notes I’m trying to take on the art of writing that you’re teaching me

He’s never been nobody anywhere. Even before all this shit.

SKDFJAL;SDKJF;ASDKJF;A NO BC JUST THE MOST POETIC FUCKING WAY TO SAY “HE’S A HAM AND A HALF”

‘And then I’ll come home,’ you add. He’s already talking like he’s forgotten, like he thinks you’ll follow him across the globe, one step behind as always.

GODDD he’s like willfully not hearing Reader bc he can’t conceive of the notion of like them not being there, or him getting caught, or both, is like the most heartbreaking thing and the way Reader has to gently remind him, “and then I’ll come home,” LIKE HES A LITTLE FUCKSINGSKDJFSKSJ KID

It would’ve made things worse for her, tagged her into the downfall alongside him, so it’s good that she avoided it. She stands a better chance of a future having done it.

Once again, the fact that Reader is like not blaming Sofia and like sees where she’s coming from is so fucking well-adjusted but also complicated and layered and I’m just really living for that dynamic even though I sincerelyfuckingdoubt Sofia would be so understanding if the tables were turned aksjfsk but that’s just bc she’s an literal actual child. Like 20 years old is still young-dumb-stupid, lbr

It was all anger. Hurt. Liquid regret pouring through the handset.

LIQUID REGRET POURING THROUGH THE HANDSETS;JAF;LSDJIF;ALSDJF;OFIJQWE;OFIJAOSDIJFA;SDKJFNA;OSDIJF;AOSIJDF; I HATE YOU, I HATE, HATE, HATE YOU. SO SKILLFUL, FLOWS BEAUTIFULLY. AND IT FUCKING R H Y M ES ????? BC YOU WEREN’T FLEXING ENOUGH ALREADY???? I’M PACING OKAY, I CAN’T BREATHE

It wasn’t the plan to come in like this was any other, normal reunion, like you’re seeing him after an impromptu vacation. The plan, was to be a friend to yourself, for once.

GODDDD;AKJ THE LITERAL FUCKING DREAD YOU HAVE BUILT INTO THIS BUT ALSO AT THE SAME TIME GOT ME FULL FUCKING CLIMBING TO THE TOP OF A STREET LAMP, LIKE AN OVERLY ENTHUSIASTIC SPORTS FAN, RIOTING AND TEARING DOWN MY OWN CITY, SWINGING MY FUCKING T-SHIRT AROUND, CHEERING READER ON BC “THE PLAN WAS TO BE A FRIEND TO YOURSELF FOR ONCE” IS LIKE THE FUCKIGNSODFIJSDLDFKJ MOVE LIKE GORL RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND NEVER LOOK BACK IN NO WAY AM I SEEING PARALLELS BETWEEN THIS AND MY RECENT DIVORCE AND SOBBING ON MY KEYBOARD, AND SHORT-CIRCUITING MY LAPTOP AS I READ THIS, NOOOOOPOPEEEEEE NOOOOOOT DOING IT

‘I’ve been going fucking crazy in here,’ he says, ‘not even Neto wants to talk to me.’ ‘Neto’s here too?’ You’ve met him before, of course. He isn’t a character you can forget easily.

SKLFSKSKSK now I know why you chose that gif. From “no salta el DIIIIISCO WEY!” to “es basura, he hates me” in 60 seconds. This also reminds me of that one scene in S2 when Miguel goes to visit Neta to ask for advice y’know as tho he didn’t complete blast Neto in the ass with a sandpaper dildo aka entirely responsible for him being there in the first place and Neta, in no uncertain terms tells him to get fucked but then also says something about how, if Miguel ever ends up in there, he’d let “estas pinshes marranas puercas como Rafa” cut him to pieces or something sdkjfsk

Honestly, you’d hoped you would at least have some glass between, you were counting on it, even. Something for his reaction to bounce off.

SWEEEEEET FUCKS THIS DIDN’T EVEN OCCUR TO ME IN THE SLIGHTEST BUT OFC YOU’D BE EXPECTING GLASS. IT’S IN ALL THE MOVIES, THE GLASS AND THE PHONE BUT NOW HE’S SO MUCH CLOSER, LIKE HAVING TO EXTRACT THEMSELF FROM HIM LIKE P H Y S I CALLY, EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY ASLDFJA;SLJFA;LSDJF;ALSJK FI ASTQA=WE0RUQ=EI I’M DONE. I’M FUCKING DONE. I CAN’T MAKE IT TO THE END

He’s been souring since he’d swapped you for Miguel, himself for the business. Been gone before you’d even realised. You’ve spent all this time trying to stitch him back together, keep the body whole, keep the motor running, and he was already a ghost. Gone through the fucking cracks. You were just too sentimental to see it, too loyal to the kid you’d met at the end of the street.

I’m like– liek?????? I don’t know what to say????? rn??? I’m like, like…. See I can’t even fucking worsdkfsjldfjslkdfjslkdfj ;sdasdflkajsdl;fkja;sldfkja;lsdfja;io sfhjpiquwoehf like I really can’t. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike I cannot actually asummon the cognitive power to a fasfeormea sslkdfj la;sjf rform a real actualfucking sentence bc like????? I think you broke my brain????? And all cognitive functioning has ceased entirely??? don’t even have the capacity to caps or key smash bc I’m like real-life shell shocked and catatonic, staring off into a void I will never know or understand and I’m pretty sure I will never write a single, solitary thing again bc what is the point when it’s already been said in these few lines

‘For who?’ he asks. ‘I need you in here, I’ll go crazy, I’ll—’ ‘For me, Rafa.’ That’s the point, the whole point, and still he doesn’t get it. ‘It’s better for me, and I have to do it.’ And he has to let you. He said he wouldn’t ask again, wouldn’t expect you to follow him everywhere he went. Just because he’s stuck in one place now, doest mean you have to be too. One of you deserves a win, right? You won’t serve time on his behalf.

HOOOOOOKAAAAY IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSKJEKLJKRLWEJSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMM,,,,,,,MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMHMMMMMMMHH you won’t serve time on his behalf. YOU WON’T SERVE TIME ON HIS BEHALF. 👏🏽YOU👏🏽WON’T👏🏽SERVE~~👏🏽GOTDAMN👏🏽TIME👏🏽ON👏🏽HIS👏🏽BEHALF👏🏽

You don’t, and if this is how he wants to be, then fine, conversation over. Cloth cut from the body at last …You’ve found your track, now it’s time to run it, right to the end. Just like he would.

ALRIGHT. COOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL. … I FEEL SO GOOD NOW ……………. YEAH FUCKING INCREDIBLE, TOP OF THE WORLD …………………… THAT DIDN’T HURT AT ALL ……………………………… SO EXCITED THAT YOU DID ALL THESE TERRORISMS TO ME ……………………………………………… NOT AT ALL FEELING

five and one

rafa x gn!reader, 7598 words, canon typical drug use, hurt/comfort/angst, no happy ending(!!!)

the five times you were his friend, and the one time you weren’t 

a/n: this has been in my docs waiting to be finished for sososo long omg finally the rafito despair is here. enjoy!

taglist: @ashlingiswriting​ @drabbles-mc​ @cositapreciosa​ @hausofmamadas​ @cherixrosa​ @purplesong1028​ @mandaloria314​ @dashavau​ @yeetintomadness @thesandbeneathmytoes​ (as per i have forgotten who wants tagging and who doesnt sorry!)

1

Rafa’s been asking you for weeks. Come smoke, carnale, come on. I have something to show you.

Soon, you told him. I’m busy with school, work, I have to pick my Abuela up from church—I’m the only one who can drive her, remember?

They weren’t made up excuses, even if he thought they might’ve been. You didn’t like it either, having no time for him, but it’s how it went. How it is. He dropped out of school, never made it to college. You did. It gives you different markers now, different structures to shape the friendship around. When you were classmates it was easy, natural: before class, in class, after class. Simple. There you were, there he was. Now, you have to pencil him in like any other obligation.

He isn’t an obligation. You try not to let him feel like one.

Keep reading

[a-man-for-hire-and-his-archives]

Actor Luke Arnold on playing rocker Michael Hutchence in TV miniseries INXS: Never Tear Us Apart

Luke Arnold certainly looks like Michael Hutchence, but has he got what it takes to portray the tragic story of one of Australia's biggest rockstars?

Arnold explores a life in excess Source:Supplied

Luke Arnold is three weeks into filming INXS: Never Tear Us Apart and he is busy trying to grasp all the layers of the enigmatic Michael Hutchence.

The start of Never Tear Us Apart is all innocence. It is the late 1970s and a bunch of Sydney mates - Hutchence, Kirk Pengilly, Garry Gary Beers and brothers Andrew, Jon and Tim Farriss - sport big hair and play dodgy clubs.

By the end of part one, 1987's Kick has gone multi-platinum, INXS is the biggest band in the world and the band members are busy living the sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll dream.

As everyone knows, it was downhill after that. Follow-up albums including X, Welcome to Wherever You Are, Full Moon Dirty Hearts and Elegantly Wastedcouldn't recapture Kick's glory as music tastes changed.

On November 22, 1997, Hutchence, aged 37, was found dead in his hotel room in Sydney. The music hadn't been making headlines anymore. Instead it was his turbulent relationship with Paula Yates.

Along the way there were relationships with pop star Kylie Minogue and supermodel Helena Christensen. On the night of his death, Hutchence phoned another old flame, Michele Bennett.

"This story is a tragedy, there is no avoiding that, but most of it is a lot of fun," Arnold says.

"No one knows what happened that night (November 22) other than Michael. It is not our place to allude to any definitive answer. We've tried to be respectful to Michael and those nearest and dearest to him. While it (INXS: Never Tear Us Apart) is obviously about Michael, there is something universal about the story. When you lose someone and still have questions, that is something almost everyone experiences in their life at some point."

Arnold, who played a rocker on Winners & Losers and has a major role in US TV sensation Black Sails, bears an uncanny resemblance to Hutchence.

It is easy to see why he got the part. There is a softness and sensitivity to the actor that mirrors his rock star role.

"There had been rumours for years that the INXS or Michael story was going to be told," Arnold says. "At the end of 2012, I got my brother to grab a camera and started sending them (producers) stuff. I recreated some interviews and did some music video mock-ups even before they had started casting. I'm so lucky that there is so much reference material out there.

"I took as much as I could from watching him - his vocal and physical attributes - as well as first-hand accounts. I was trying to really understand what type of guy he was when the camera was off."

INXS: Never Tear Us Apart shows Hutchence enjoying the high life early on. Andrew, played by Andrew Ryan, is the band's creative heart but also an eternal pessimist. Tim (Nick Masters) is ambitious, and manager CM Murphy (Damon Herriman) is relentless. Packed to the Rafters star Hugh Sheridan is Beers, Underground's Alex Williams is Pengilly, and Ido Drent plays drummer Jon.

"I think something that was really key to Michael is that he was quite a shy young man," Arnold says.

"His career chose him. If his friends didn't happen to have a band, he wouldn't have been in the position to be a frontman. He was definitely a philosopher and a writer, but asking him to take centre stage in a rock band was circumstantial. He wasn't someone looking for the limelight or attention. He had to step outside of himself and his own insecurities to take that role. He had so much attention so early. I think that changes you. There are very few of us who really understand what that experience is. Everyone else in the band had ways of keeping themselves grounded but he never did. "Most of his life he was adored by the fans and the media, but when things turned he had nothing to fall back on. He didn't see it coming. That really hurt him."

INXS: Never Tear Us Apart doesn't ignore the women in Hutchence's life. Jane Harber (A Moody Christmas) plays Bennett. Yates is played by Georgina Haig and Christensen by Mallory Jansen. Samantha Jade is the spitting image of Minogue. It is The X Factor winner's first major acting role.

"I'm so lucky - how often do you get to play an Australian icon," Jade says. "At first I was nervous because acting wasn't my thing.

"Kylie tends to talk with her hands a lot and I do the same thing. I think their relationship was one of those great loves that is kind of crazy."

Arnold has his own take on Hutchence's relationships.

"Kylie was the girl next door and Michael was the dark rock star," Arnold says. "He dirtied up her image and she gave him an extra push as a prominent celebrity in his own right. With Helena, he suddenly went from this little pop star to the most beautiful woman in the world. Especially at that point in his career, that was something he couldn't have turned down. With Paula, it was entirely different. There was a want of family and someone to settle down with, but she would also have been into all the kinky rock star stuff he wanted. He probably saw in her that he could fulfil both things."

The remaining INXS band members have been heavily involved in Never Tear Us Apart. Tim is listed as a co-executive producer (along with Murphy).

"In our rehearsals as a band, Tim was there to help us out," Arnold says.

"We haven't compromised the story to please them and at the same time there is no temptation to create bad guys or get to the dirt because there is enough tragedy in this (real life story) anyway." - News Corp Australia Network

[theprinceandthewitch]

Not to be mean or anything... but when I see people compare Luz to Caleb and think Evelyn and Caleb are supposed to be about Lumity I tab out immediately.

The parallels between Caleb and Luz don't work; and Lumity isn't Caleb+Evelyn because

Hunter is a clone of Caleb and is the only Grimwalker who looks the most like him. Hunter and the GG's are tied to Caleb whether or not they like it or are even aware of it. Their lives and deaths have always been determined by what Philip believes his brother should have been - a fellow witch-hunter who would never abandon him for the evil he wants to destroy.

2. Caleb is an orphan. The only remaining family member is his brother Philip. Before Hunter knew the truth of his origins he was raised to believe that his entire family was wiped out by wild magic. And that it was his "uncle" who saved him and is his only remaining family. This mirrors Caleb and Philip as orphans who were the only ones left of their family after tragedy befell them. Though the caretaker role has been reversed.

3. Caleb's entire deal is that he's fundamentally a good person who eventually forsakes his "oppressor" mindset. We can even see this quality present in all the GG's including Hunter. Every single one of them came to the realization that what they were doing was messed up and changed themselves. And that they'll always try to put a stop to Philip's plans. But yeah, the "unlearning of an oppressor mindset" doesn't work with Luz for reasons that are so obvious I'm not going to waste time writing them out.

4. Amity did not "entice Luz away" with magic and Luz did not run away to a new world because of Amity. Luz ran away to TBI specifically because she followed Owlbert through the door. And she didn't stay there for Amity. She stayed there only because she wanted to learn magic and live out some kind of grand destiny in a fantasy world. AGAIN, Luz did not run away to TBI because she wanted to start a more peaceful life with her lover - she "ran away" because she wanted to learn magic and live out some kind of grand destiny in a fantasy world. She never planned on staying on TBI for the rest of her life despite dating someone from TBI. And I honestly don't see this show ending in a situation where Camilla and Luz are going to spend the rest of their lives on TBI. The most likely outcome is that they're going to find a way to go back and forth between worlds.

Also I want to point out that unlike Philip's and Caleb's relationship, Camilla's and Luz's relationship isn't hinted at being unhealthy and eventually abusive. This is important to note because Caleb most likely "abandoned" Philip because he came to realize their relationship was poisonous. Luz didn't INTENTIONALLY "abandon" Camilla like Caleb did with Philip. Camilla is not a toxic influence over Luz's life that Luz wanted to get away from. This is why Luz "running away" and Caleb running away doesn't - the motivations are completely different.

5. Amity does not have meaningful history with the main villain like Luz, Hunter, Evelyn and Caleb do.

6. Luz lured Hunter away from Philip. I mean this literally and from a character arc standpoint. Here, let me just copy and paste what I wrote in my pinned post:

" Okay so let me explain why this drives me crazy as someone who loves storytelling. Because this parallel doesn't start when Hunter is running away with Luz in Hollow Mind and stop in the season finale. It goes deeper than that - to a character arc level - and it goes all the way back to Hunting Palismen. This episode is the start of Hunters positive change arc and "betrayal." The person to spearhead his positive change arc and "betrayal" is our favorite WILD WITCH Luz. Completely unbeknownst to Hunter, the moment he lets Luz go he is taking a stand against Belos. And he's following Calebs footsteps by choosing a wild witch over Philip. That is so romantic it's crazy to me"

Romantic undertones aside - do you know how important this is? That both Hunter and Caleb were lured away by someone who represents something they've been taught to fear? Caleb was taught that magic was evil so any practitioners of magic were agents of the devil who needed to be killed. Hunter was taught that wild magic was dangerous and that anyone who didn't want to seal their magic were criminals that needed to be killed. Do i need to say any more than that? This is also why "Amity enticed Luz with magic" doesn't work because Luz was never afraid of magic.

7. Luz introduced Flapjack to Hunter like Evelyn did with Caleb. It's unclear whether or not Flapjack was hers or she carved him for Caleb. I'm more inclined to believe the later because of how Flapjack is a cardinal - a.k.a a creature that is not a native species on TBI. Either way, the point is: without Evelyn showing him that magic isn't evil, Caleb would have never wanted Flapjack. Just like how Hunter would have never wanted Flapjack if Luz didn't show him "wild" magic wasn't dangerous.

8. Evelyn is a Clawthorn and Amity is not. Luz isn't a Clawthorn either but she's heavily associated with this family. And this family has alot of ties to the plot of TOH. Amity doesn't hold the same weight in the story like the Clawthorns do.

9. Luz is a "witch from another world".

People tend to forget what wild witches are and how magic works in universe. Wild witches are witches/demons who refuse to limit themselves to one of the nine main forms of magic.

Magic operates in two ways: either the spellcaster writes a spell in glyphs to perform it or the bile sack, which produces all the glyphs, combines them for the caster. For the former, if you know all the glyphs then you have access to all the same spells someone with a bile sack would have. However, unlike a person with a bile sack, you need to spend some time writing out combinations to figure out how to get the spell you want. This is why this parallel still works despite Luz not being an "actual" witch. Because, even without a bile sack, she still has excess to all forms of magic, just like any wild witch with a bile sack would have.

I need to point out Luz not being an "actual" witch is irrelevant. The point is that Evelyn and Luz represent something Caleb and Hunter were indoctrinated to fear. Evelyn representing magic and Luz representing WILD magic. Through Luz and Evelyn, Caleb and Hunter came to realize the thing they feared wasn't actually dangerous. And because of Luz and Evelyn, Hunter and Caleb were "lured away" from Philip so they could try and live more peaceful and fulfilling lives.

It just doesn't work with any other combo of characters besides Luz and Hunter.

[doberbutts]

ralsei-kin

Low key WILD that ppl are assuming that because u disagree w/ them you must not be a LOTR fan??? like ohhh how dare a black man complain about smth he MUST not know what he's talking abt???

Yeah same old same old though. People like to say they’re not racist and are actively working against their own racial biases until someone brings up something that disagrees with their opinion, then it becomes there’s no way you can possibly be right about this and there’s no way I’ve fallen victim to racist propaganda.

Tolkien’s universe is my longest-standing hyperfixation and special interest. I obsessively buy every book that Tolkien’s even thought about, every scrap of note or letter, I even have his non-LOTR works such as Roverandom and his translations of The Green Knight and Beowulf. The challenge of “have you even read him” is an old one, but the answer is usually “I’ve read more of his works than I’ve read anything else on my entire life” and “at one point I considered becoming a Tolkien scholar” and “I used to read through all of my Tolkien books once a year at least and only stopped after the TBI because it significantly slowed down my reading ability and Tolkien is wordy as hell” and “there is an entire shelf devoted to this man’s works and some overflow because I have can’t stop scratching the blorbo itch”

And I’m telling you right now. If the problem is “changes to established lore”? Fucking get in line, people have been complaining about that since his works have been gaining adaptions. I liked the PJ movies despite (in spite of, more like) various liberties he took with the lore and while the Hobbit didn’t live up to LOTR potential it was still a fun enough watch once the extended releases came out. I liked the animations even though they were hilariously janky. I covet very strongly a physical copy of the audiobook where the reader sings the songs (I have a digital copy but $$$), and also the one that Andy Serkis did.

If I need to prove myself as a “true fan” in order to say “hey, I think you guys are falling for some racist propaganda dressed up in an Amazon Bad overcoat”... jokes on you, I’ve been obsessed with this man’s works since I was 8 years old.

[luckspren]

So I finished The Blade Itself. I heard a lot of good things about the Fist Law books and I am happy to report that I loved it. I was a little worried because even though I am a chracter driven reader, I heard that the first book has like no plot at all. And I can see how poeple come to that conclusion. I don't know if I agree with it a 100% though. After all there are multiple conflicts brewing on the national and international level, it's just that our pov-characters are not the driving forces behind these conflicts and range from being at least somewhat aware of how they connect to these conflicts to not being aware at all. And TBI has no self contained story, it's basically all set-up for the rest of the series. Nevertheless I shouldn't have worried (and probably should have known better, because I also enjoyed The Way of Kings all the way through and that one is also notorious for being slow as fuck)

So here are some thoughts:

First of all my edition (the one from orbit) doesn't have a map and instead you get treated to a giant picture of Joe Abercrombie himself with a look like he wants to debate me...which okay, i guess you can do that. But the missing map really bugs me :(

I was promised a character driven book that follows a bunch of bastards and I certainly got that. I think Abercrombie did a fantastic job differentiating between the different pov to the point that even without the names I would have been able to know who I was following almost immediately

even though this is a grimdark fantasy (and it is certainly bleak and violent) the tone of the book still feels "lighter" than I anticipated. Probably because of the snarky humor.

I don't really have a clear favourite character yet. I'm guessing Logen and Glokta are very popular, they get mentioned practically every time someone recommends the First Law and I really loved both their pov. The Dogman and Ferro were probably the pov that I liked the least (which doesn't mean I hate them... I was just more interested in the other characters and they didn't have that many chapters to begin with)

so this is probably a very unpopular opinion (given that I wasn't really aware of him at all before I started reading even though he's one of the main pov) but I actually quite liked Jezals chapters. Like he's a pompous rich asshole who thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread and never really had to work for anything in his life. The reader is supposed to dislike him. But with this type of character the story often goes in one of two directions. Either they learn their lesson and you're in for some great character developement or they learn nothing and you can enjoy their downfall. Out of the main pov-characters I think Jezal certainly has the most potential for change right now.

So Bayaz seems to have collected Logen because he can see and speak with spirits and Ferro because of her weird healing abilities/colourblindness/whatever else-powers (like whats up with that, is every colourblind person in this world like her or what?)...but I have no idea why he had Jezal picked out. What's so special about him? Like I don't think it's because of his perfect jawline and i didn't notice any special abilities in his pov. My best guess is that maybe it has something to do with his family? His father seemed to know Bayaz. Maybe one of his ancestors is connected to the Juvens backstory? Like we know Kanedias had a daughter and apparently there were two other brothers if I remember correctly (something about the four sons of Euz (?))...at least one of them probably had offspring that survived and then had children of their own and so on.

I really enjoyed the little tidbits we got of the whole Juvens/Kanedias/Bayaz backstory...but I'm not sure yet if I trust the information we got so far. Like that family was apparently super important because they kinda invented (?) the magic in the world. The scenes in the house of the maker were super interesting, but I feel like we don't have enough information about the conflict between the brothers. Right now Kanedias seems to be the clear "bad guy" in the story, but that seems like something that could be switched up in later books.

I really love Bayaz as a character because he is super unreliable. His character can go into so many different directions and I kinda think he might end the series as a antagonist.

i don't really get the magic system yet and I'm probably not supposed to ... so if the first law is something along the lines of "not directly interacting with the other side", but all magic actually comes from the other side, how do you actually break the first law? Is the other side like another world you can enter or something? That at least seems more direct. Maybe this seed that Bayaz is searching for is something like a key? Also can anyone just become a Magus or do you have to have a certain mindset or abilities. Apparently Quai has "potential" whatever that means. I'm starting to wonder if he's alsways sickly because of his apprenticeship

The appearance of the Bloody Nine at the end of the book almost reads like possession, but I'm not sure if that was intended or if it's just pure bloodlust and adrenaline. Kinda reminds me a little bit of the Thrill from Stormlight

Everyone said that the entire cast is made up of grey characters that you kinda feel bad about rooting for and here I was thinking "What? West is right there"...and then that fucking scene with Ardee happens. I guess we really can't have nice things. I really liked the scene he has with Glokta after though

Speaking of Ardee I hope she gets pov-chapters... with everyone else now scattered across the world, she could be the eyes in Adua

Given that The Blad Itself seems to be regarded as the low point of Abercrombies books, I have really high hopes for the rest of the series and I'm very excited for Before They Are Hanged :)

[amikye]

I’ve been watching Elementary for years (finishing tv shows takes me a long time. Leave me alone.) and I got to the last season, where Sherlock is diagnosed with both a TBI and post-concussion syndrome. And it’s giving me some feelings.

I love Sherlock Holmes. He is one of my favorite fictional characters of all time. And that includes the adaptations. I have my criticisms, but I’ll take all the Holmes content I can get. In terms of the most recent/ modern adaptations, for me Elementary’s Sherlock is the closest to the books. I’ve seen some wonderful analysis about how the show is about Sherlock becoming a part of a community, which, along with the focus on his addiction, is one of the best parts of the show. But I digress.

As someone who has had multiple concussions and is still dealing with post-concussion syndrome, seeing a character who I idolized growing up dealing with the same condition is incredible. Is it entirely accurate? No - they definitely hyped up certain symptoms for the drama (hallucinations aren’t really something that happens) - but it is fairly close to my own experiences.

It’s both heart breaking and warming to see the frustration and fear that comes with this type of injury portrayed in a sympathetic way. And Watson’s response? Incredible. I wish I had someone in my life respond in the same way. (I did have sympathetic responses, but no one went out of their way to do research to help me). She is a great support for Sherlock and lets him make the decisions, while acting as a buffer when he needs it. Which is such a great thing for a tv show.

There was a moment in the last episode I watched where Sherlock can’t remember why he’d come into a room and is increasingly frustrated. Joan says that everyone does that and he responds, “not me”. And I felt that in my soul. The amount of things that have changed for me in this way, especially memory-wise, that other people say happen to everyone, when I know it’s because of the concussions is tremendous and terrifying.

Seeing Sherlock express his fears and then Joan take them seriously was healing. The number of people in my life who say “oh but it’ll get better” or “just give it time” when I tell them how I’m worried I’ll never be fully healed is overwhelming. I want someone to be like Joan and say, “you might be right. But that doesn’t mean it’s hopeless”. Because I’ve already accepted that each concussion fundamentally changed my life. But that doesn’t mean I have to give up on my goals and hopes for the future. It just means I have to adapt them in ways that are more accessible to me.

I do hope that the show doesn’t end with Sherlock completely breaking down, as that would be a cop-out ending and would let down all of the fantastic work the show put into it’s complexities. I could see him moving upstate/ retiring to look after his bees, which would not only follow the books, but also give him an outlet for his mind without slipping back into his addiction. That’s the part that is most fascinating: Sherlock is scared because he needs to take a break/ step back from cases, but if he doesn’t keep his mind occupied, he’ll most likely relapse, which scares him because then how will his brain heal? And this complexity is why I love the show. He’s humanized in a way that most people can empathize with/ have compassion for while remaining brilliant. Yes, he definitely comes up with solutions no one else would, but he has the same internal conflicts as everyone else. Which makes the addition of a TBI all the more interesting. For how does Sherlock, someone who is used to having full control and function of his brain, deal with the only thing that could truly put an end to his sleuthing? I think the answer lies in the main theme of the show: by relying on the support of the community around him.

[tomtenadia]

Remember Us - part 6

Monday surprise!

As some of you might have read from my post from yesterday, I officially finished this fic and it will have 10 parts. this was the original plan and I am glad I kept it. The idea of having many more chapters of Rowan not recognising his family was far too painful.

Chapter 9 and 10 are so sweet that they will probably give you cavities, but I just thought they deserved the best happy ending.

Also, i got very attached to Thomas and he is a great fan of his parents.

Well, I hope you will enjoy this.

-------

Rowan had been staying at Lorcan’s while Aelin still kept her distance. It had been two weeks and they had been horrendous. She had blocked him off of her life. She was not answering his calls or texts and apparently had told Elide not to tell him anything about her. He was furious. They should be together and face such a tragic moment in their lives, together. But Aelin would not listen. He had tried everything to talk to her.

Someone knocked on the door and, since he was home alone, he went to open it.

On the other side he found Aelin. But the woman in front of him had a lifeless stare and deep shadows under her eyes. She was the ghost of his wife.

“Ro…” she said in a thin voice and then broke down in heavy sob.

Rowan didn’t even think. His arms pulled her at his chest and kissed her head. The sight of an Aelin so heartbroken was a shot to his heart.

“I am sorry.” She added, hiding her face in his chest and inhaling his scent that always gave her comfort.

“Shhh… I am here. I am never letting you go again, no matter how much you shout at me.” Another tender kiss “I am coming home and we’ll get through this.”

Rowan was in bed and staring at the ceiling after the dream woke him up. The Aelin from the dream was a shell compared to the version sleeping at his side. He turned his head and stared at her sleepy face and a deep part of him hoped she was fine. That the baby was fine. Because he knew for sure he didn’t want to see her again in the conditions she had been in the dream. Seeing Aelin in pain or sad hurt him.

He sighed and got off the bed and walked to the kitchen but once he got there he realised he had no idea where anything was. Aelin had said he would make pancakes but could not remember the day she had said. 

A splitting headache hit him and Rowan sat down on the sofa, head in his hands and then for a moment he felt disoriented and could not recognise his surroundings. Panic hit him. He looked up and saw a boy staring at him. He jumped up and almost fell.

“Dad.” The boy’s voice was almost tearful.

And as quickly as the moment of disorientation came, just as rapidly it went away and lucidity returned.

“Tom,” he ran to the boy and hugged him to console him as soon as he started crying. He had scared him “I am sorry I frightened you.” Thomas hugged his father and stopped crying and Rowan relaxed for an instant.

“Do you want pancakes?” He asked his son, still not letting him go.

“It’s not Saturday.” Said the boy, looking at his father in his eyes.

“Shhhh…” said Rowan with a finger against his mouth “You can have pancakes all the time.” He lifted the boy in his arms “but you need to tell me where everything is.”

Thomas grinned and pointed to the kitchen and once in there he started pointing at the doors and Rowan finally found a pan. Then he grabbed his phone and searched for a recipe, grabbed eggs and milk from the fridge and joined Thomas back at the counter who, in the meantime, had grabbed a chair and was kneeling on it so he could follow his dad.

“Will you be my assistant?” the boy nodded eagerly.

After ten minutes he was mixing the batter making sure it was smooth as the instructions recommended.

“Ok, Tom, are you ready for the first one?”

“Pancakes,” he shouted happily and Rowan smiled. He might remember a very few things about his son but he was definitely going to cherish that moment. It didn’t matter if it had been only a day. He was already in love with the two children. He just hoped he could become a good father to them once again.

*

Aelin woke up and found the bed empty and for a moment she thought it had been only a dream, but as she rolled over she noticed Rowan’s side was crumpled and gently caressed his pillow. He had always been an early riser and it seemed that some things had not changed.

She sat up, grabbed her fleece from the chair and left the bed looking for Rowan.

As she exited the bedroom she heard laughter coming from the kitchen and followed the sounds and once inside she could not believe the scene. Thomas was kneeling on a chair beside Rowan trying to cook something.

“Pancakes on a Wednesday?”

Thomas turned to her “shhh mum, it’s a secret.”

Aelin walked to her son and kissed his head “good morning, my love.”

“I am helping dad with pancakes. He doesn’t remember how to make them.”

Rowan flipped one and Thomas clapped “that is mine.” He grabbed a plate and placed the pancake on it “go and sit while I make more.”

Thomas climbed down the chair and walked to the table with his plate.

Aelin moved to Rowan’s side “did you sleep well?”

Her husband nodded and hesitated for a moment wether to tell her about his episode. Then he sighed and told her what had happened and Aelin looked at him with a doctor’s eye.

“A TBI can have such effects. It can cause moments of disorientation in which the person doesn’t know where he is. It can also affect short term memory, making it difficult to learn new things or even remember things you just did.” She placed a few more pancakes in Thomas’ plate “but there are ways to help you. We can do lists, have notepads and clipboards in the house. Have a note book and note down things.” She explained going back at his side “long term memory is stored already in your brain,” and playfully patted his head “you actually haven’t lost them. They are still all there. It’s just your brain has to sort through them again. It’s very complicated and technical, but they will come back. Short term memory is another issue. Do you still feel confused?”

Rowan shook his head and passed Aelin a plate with pancakes and then grabbed the jar of Nutella “go and scoff your breakfast.”

Aelin grinned “see? You remembered I take them with Nutella.”

In that instant they heard a cry and Aelin realised Freyja had woken up. She was about to stand when Rowan stopped her “Eat,” he commanded and again she had a glimpse of past Rowan. The one who would made sure she ate.

A moment later he came back with his daughter in his arms “I think our princess wants to join the breakfast club as well.” Freyja threw her chubby arms around his neck, snuggling close to him “what does she eat?”

Aelin went to the fridge and grabbed one of her pressed meals and Rowan began feeding his daughter.

It was an hour later when Aelin was ready for work “mum should be back very soon and I am taking Thomas to the nursery. Will you be okay with Freyja for half an hour tops? I changed her and she is fed, it should be easy.”

Rowan lifted the little girl in his arms “we should be fine.” And gave her his best reassuring smile.

“You call me if you have any problems.”

Thomas went to hug his dad before following Aelin out of the door.

Once he was alone with his daughter he stood, with her still in his arms and hobbled around the living room and stared at their impressive bookcase. Freyja leaned forward and with her hands tried to grab a book “ ‘tory” she babbled.

“Do you want me to read you a story?” He asked her and the girl green eyes were fixed on him and then she nodded.

He placed her down on the carpet and turned to the library in search of a storybook for her.

“I think I— ” he turned with a book in his hands and froze. Freyja was gone. Shit.

“Freyja.” He called her, panic rising in his voice. She couldn’t have gone far. How fast could a 18 months toddler go? He took his cane and started looking around the house “Freyja?”

In that instant Evalin came back and he breathed in relief.

“Rowan, are you okay?”

He was the worst father ever “I lost Freyja. I was looking for a storybook and when I turned she was gone.” He was preparing himself from some lashing from his mother in law but the woman burst into laughter.

“She does that. Thomas has been teaching her how to play hide and seek,” the woman explained calmly walking around the house and then going to the girl’s bedroom. Rowan followed her.

Evalin lifted the blanket from the side of the bed and pointed at under her bed.

Rowan heard a faint giggle.

“I wonder where my girl is.” Said Evalin keeping up the pretence. She opened the wardrobe “no, she is not here.” Rowan observed her and then joined in “she is not in the toy box either.”

Evalin placed her hands on her hips and grinned at Rowan then crouched down “here you are.”

The little girl screamed in delight as her grandma caught her.

The three of  them went back to the living room and Evalin passed Freyja back to Rowan and went to unpack her shopping bags.

“Do you need a hand?” He offered.

“No, it’s just fruits and veggies and a few more things. I love to go down at the market in the morning and buy fresh ingredients.” She told him, “you love to go too on your day off, wake up early and also go to the fish market and get the first catch.”

Rowan sat on a chair at the big table with his daughter in his arms.

“Aelin can cook, but you are the chef of the family.”

He smiled back and gently bounced Freyja on his knee and she giggled.

“How does it feel being back home?” She asked her son in law while stashing away the groceries.

Rowan sighed “it feels good and strange at the same time.” It was hard to explain how he felt without sounding like a lunatic “Some things are starting to feel familiar. But others feel totally new and others scare me.” He confessed but the woman in front of him looked at him with tenderness “the kids for example, I feel like I love them madly already but it pains me that the memories with them are still fuzzy. I want to give them back their father.”

“And Aelin?”

Rowan sighed “I think I feel something for her. I would not call it love yet. But yesterday we kissed and it felt like the most normal thing ever.”

Evalin smiled.

“But my memories are a jumble in my head right now. I have them, they are there and I found that being at home is triggering more and more of them. I want to do this. I want us to be a family again.” He grabbed his phone and showed her the photo on his home screen. The one on the beach, all of them smiling and happy. “I want this again. I just don’t know how to get there.”

“Rowan,” Evalin walked to him once done with the groceries and sat at his side “you have been awake for a month and at home for two days.” She patted his knee “both Aelin and I think that being home will help trigger more of your memories. Look through photo albums.” She stood and opened a cabinet and took out a box which once opened he discovered it contained a lot of photo albums. “Digital is good, but you and Aelin both love to print out the photos and make scrapbooks.” She rummaged in the box for a moment and then passed him an album “start with this.”

Rowan took it and it noticed it was their wedding album “Her friend Chaol took all the photos and then Aelin made a scrapbook and added notes and comments on it. She said she did not want the usual boring wedding album.”

He opened the first page and in big colourful letter and nice calligraphy it said Buzzard & Fireheart: the beginning of an epic tale.

The second page it had a picture of the two of them in an armour, back to back and swords drawn.

“You two hired some costumes for that photo.”

Rowan laughed and kept on flipping through the photo album. It was organised like a story, with small narrating paragraphs near the photos and he read each one of them.

“You two got married on a beach, then had a gigantic barbecue for all your friends and then when night came you lit a bonfire and had your first dance as husband and wife in front of the fire. Both of you barefoot.”

Rowan smiled “it sounds like fun.”

“It was a great day.” She bounced Freyja on her lap “all the albums tell a story. You did all of them like that so when looking back you could also remember more of those moments.”

Rowan reached the page where they were standing in front of Aedion, who officiated the wedding, and he stared at Aelin. Her light blue dress was gorgeous, but he was stuck on her smile. In the photo he was looking at she has the brightest of smiles and he realised that falling for her would be so easy. She was caring, brilliant, funny and sarcastic. She had passion. She had fire.

She was his Fireheart.

[densi-mber]

Paramnesia

A/N: For today’s prompt. This particular scenario was suggested by @mashmaiden. Set in early season 4.

***

“Agent Blye?”

Kensi groaned, pushing at the hand tapping her shoulder.

“Agent Blye, can you hear me?” the voice said more insistently.

“Where am I?” she mumbled, just barely able to open her eyes. Even that made her head pound.

“You’re in the hospital, ma’am,” the man explained. “I’m Nurse Jackson. I noticed you were waking up a few minutes ago.” Kensi gave the barest of nods, becoming increasingly confused. She didn’t remember scheduling any procedure. Actually, she couldn’t remember much of anything.

“What happened to me?” Lifting her hand, she frowned at the needle inserted in the back of her hand.

“Your vehicle crashed and turned over in a ditch this morning. You suffered a head injury, but your doctor can tell you more about that when you’re a little more settled.”

“Am I going to die?” she asked, squinting up at the nurse. Something started beeping loudly and he gently grabbed her hand.

“No, ma’am, the injury was not that severe. Please calm down.” She tried to take a couple breaths, instinctually knowing that she wouldn’t like the results if she couldn’t calm down on her own. When the monitor stopped beeping, Nurse Jackson added, “Your partner will be back soon. He had to step away to make a call.”

“My partner,” she mumbled. She didn’t remember having a partner either.

“Yes, Marty Deeks. He brought you in.” He checked her IV, glancing at her a couple times. “I’m going give you a dose of pain medication and I’ll let your doctor now you’re awake.”

Laying back down, she tried to force herself to remember something, repeating the name Marty Deeks in her mind until she felt calmer. A few minutes later, the door opened again.

“Oh my god, I’m so glad you’re awake,” said the man who walked through. He was tall with messy blonde hair that curled around his ears and a wide mouth that was currently narrowed with worry. Kensi felt something flutter in the pit of her stomach at the sound of his voice. As he drew closer, she noticed some blood smeared across his forehead.

He hesitated for a moment and then bent to hug her, the fluttering feeling increased and she wrapped her free arm around his neck. This was obviously Marty. It felt good, comforting to be in his arms.

“The nurse said we were in an accident,” she said, pushing herself up higher in the bed. She must have guessed right that he was there too because he nodded, his expression turning worried once more.

“Yeah, you don’t remember it?”

“Some of my memories are a little foggy,” Kensi hedged. She grabbed his hand and his eyes flew down to their linked fingers. “But my head barely hurts.” That was a bald-faced lie. “Can you get me out of here?”

“I don’t know, the doctor-“

“Please, Marty.” He arched an eyebrow at that and he shook his head, allowing a tiny smirk.

“You’re super cute when you beg Kensalina, but I think they’ll want to keep you for a while for observation. It was a pretty bad crash.”

“I just want to go home.,” Kensi murmured, pressing his hand to her lips.

“Ok, yeah, wow. Apparently that TBI made you a lot more affectionate that usual,” he said, his cheeks flushing just a little. It was pretty adorable.

“What, I’m not always affectionate with my husband?” she teased, looking right up into his gorgeous blue eyes. It felt normal, easy, and took away some of her discomfort at having absolutely no idea who this guy was.

“Husband?” He chuckled, turning away slightly before he rubbed his jaw. “Ok, yes, I’m definitely your husband. I uh, I want to talk to your doctor...about getting you released. Don’t go anywhere.”

He returned about five minutes later with the doctor in tow. While Marty stood in the background, the doctor, who introduced herself as Doctor Martinez, gave Kensi an amnesia test. At first it took her longer than she was proud of to come up with the simple answers to questions about the date and time, but then they became progressively easier as more information returned to her.

She even started to remember more about Marty.

The only things she couldn’t seem to remember were what happened directly before and after the accident. Dr. Martinez didn’t seem particularly worried about that and since she didn’t ask any questions about her personal life, Kensi didn’t volunteer the information.

“So, what does this mean?” Deeks asked, rubbing at his bottom lip. Kensi had noticed he had a habit of running his fingers through his hair, which made it even messier.

At some point during the exam, he’d taken her hand again. She was grateful for the support and didn’t mind the feel of his warm fingers gripping hers. “Is Kensi going to be alright? Does she need to stay in the hospital?”

“I want to look at her CT scan again, but I think she should be alright to go home,” Dr. Martinez said. “As long as she has someone to watch her the first couple days and nights for any changes.”

“Marty will be with me,” Kensi said, glancing up at him with a small smile. His own smile looked kind of odd, but she didn’t worry about it too much. She trusted him.

“Well, in that case, I’ll be fine with releasing you. And Mr. Deeks, her memory should return in a few days to a couple weeks. It’s an encouraging sign that her amnesia is already resolving.”

“Babe, can you take care of the paperwork?” The words sounded a little strange coming from her mouth, but she shook it off. Everything felt a little strange right now. Marty didn’t immediately answer, so she touched his stomach lightly to get his attention. He jerked, his eyes widening in surprise. “You’ll take care of the paperwork, right?”

“Uh sure, I’ll get started on that,” he muttered. She tipped her chin up expectantly and after a moment of hesitation, he leaned in and kissed her forehead.

***

“So, uh, what exactly do you remember about us?” Deeks asked as casually as he could, flicking a quick look at Kensi. She was propped up in the passenger seat with a couple of pillows, but other than the small bandage at her hair line, she didn’t seem that much worse for wear.

Oh, except for the fact that she apparently thought they were married. He wasn’t sure what had led her to believe that were in a relationship at all, but he hadn’t figured out a way to break the truth to her yet.

“We work together,” she began slowly, looking at him for confirmation, “at NCIS.”

“That’s right.” At least that was a start. Maybe with enough gentle leading, she would realize the truth.

“We met when when we were both undercover at a gym. We didn’t get along very well at first, but then we started working as partners.” She paused and glanced at him, her smile turning reminiscent.

“I think you thought I was pretty annoying and kind of idiot when we first met,” Deeks said, smirking at his own expense. “Still do sometimes to be honest.”

“Mm, but I love you anyway,” Kensi commented drowsily, reaching across the consul to run her fingers over his cheek. A shiver ran down his spine at the simple touch combined with her soft, almost dreamy expression . He wasn’t used to her touching him this much when it wasn’t followed by a sarcastic comment or the promise of violence.

“Uh...here we’re are.” He pulled into her driveway, and parked, grabbing her bag from the back and then helping her out. When he offered her his arm, she wrapped her arm around his neck instead, obviously expecting him to pick her up.

After a little fumbling, he had one arm around her waist and the other under her knees. Kensi once again didn’t seem to notice his discomfort and laid her head on his shoulder, sighing.

“How do you feel?” he asked.

“My head hurts,” she mumbled. “And my back is kind of sore too. Maybe you can rub it for me.”

“Sure.” Deeks huffed out a laugh. God, this was like all his dreams come true but in totally the wrong way. He used the spare house key Kensi had given him a couple years ago for emergencies and carried her straight to her bedroom.

Despite their usual lack of boundaries and the number of times he’d hung out at her apartment, he rarely set foot inside her room. It was an unspoken line that neither of them was willing to cross, a sign of intimacy, which was now being completely trampled.

He set her on the bed and then grabbed a t-shirt and a pair of sweats from a pile by the door. Before she could ask for help with changing, he told her,

“I’m gonna check in with Hetty and let her know how you’re doing.”

“But you’re not leaving, right?” She checked, grabbing for his hand.

“Of course not,” he assured her, crouching down in front of her. “What if you tripped over a pile of clothes on your way to get a late night snack? I’d never forgive myself.”

“Shut up. And I promised I clean up the mess this weekend,” she said, rolling her eyes. “As soon as we get a break from work.”

“Kensi, I’m not going to let you clean anything while you have a concussion.” He started to stand again, but Kensi leaned forward, hugging him tightly.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me.” She dipped her head and he didn’t move as she gently kissed him. It was just a brush of lips, less than the kiss they shared while undercover. Somehow it was so much more. Clearing his throat noisily, he untangled her arms, and rushed into the living room, not caring if Kensi thought it was strange.

He quickly updated Hetty on Kensi’s status. Hetty gave him the rest of the day off without him even asking with instructions to take good care of “Ms. Blye”. He felt a twinge of guilt at that, but didn’t mention anything about Kensi’s memory lapse. The team would figure that out soon enough.

When he hung up, he fixed Kensi a bowl of soup and a small sandwich, remembering she hadn’t eaten since early that morning.

“Hey, I made you some food.” he said quietly as he walked back into her room with a tray balanced on one hand. Kensi was curled up in bed looking way too soft and drowsy-eyed for her own good. “I couldn’t find any twinkies or peanut butter cups, so it’s just plain old tomato basil.”

“I’m not hungry,” she said. He didn’t think that was a particularly good sign, but set the food to the side and crouched in front of her again. Just to be at eye level, he told himself.

“Ok, do you need anything else?” Kensi slid a hand out from under the covers and clumsily cupped his cheek.

“Just you.”

***

A/N: I played this like Kensi was remembering some bits from when they were undercover in Neighborhood Watch. And yes, there will be a part 2.

As always, I am not a medical expert or professional. Although I do try to do some research, this is just for fun and there’s bound to be some mistakes.

[detectivejay-chuckles-halstead]

Thanks // Jay Halstead x Reader // Pt 7

Description: Jay and Y/N take a step in their relationship as Y/N gives him some surprising news

Warnings: None

Pairing: Jay x Reader, Reader x Mouse!Platonic, Jay x Mouse!Platonic

Words: 1859

A/N: The moment we have all been waiting for. I’m not sure how many parts this is going to be quite yet. I do have an ending planned that will tie everything together in the end. Maybe 15-20 parts? 

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

“Doctor Charles, do you have a minute to talk about something personal?” you asked your boss a few days later when you both had a free moment, hoping he could help you with the Mouse situation in some capacity.

“Of course. Come in,” he insisted, motioning for you to take a seat in one of the chairs across from his. You smiled, sitting down. “What can I do for you?”

“I’ve started volunteering at a nursing home about an hour away from here -- a veteran’s home actually. There’s a resident there, late thirties with a TBI. I was there the other day with a friend of his, and he had an emotional outburst,” you began explaining softly.

“Which is very common in those types of patients,” he added, which got you to nod in agreement.

“They sedated him before telling us we needed to leave for the day. I may have insisted that it wasn’t going to happen. He’s a ward of the state, no family left. His friend is the only one besides me that goes and visits. His care is fine when it comes to physical needs, but this staff doesn’t seem to comprehend the complexity of brain injuries. When speaking to this friend, he told me that it wasn’t the first time this patient has gotten sedated and then been told to leave,” you continued. “Do...I was thinking that maybe he could petition for guardianship, move his friend to a facility that would have better resources. He’s on military benefits, so cost-wise it wouldn’t be too extreme. What do you think?” 

“Petitioning the courts for guardianship of an adult is difficult in itself, let alone for somebody that has no family,” he answered, a quizzical look apparent on his face. “How do these two know each other?”

“They served together, both discharged medically from the same accident. His friend shows up twice a week, every week for at least four hours each day. He’s his only visitor. When he’s around, the patient is much more engaged than he normally is.” Daniel nodded, obviously thinking. 

“Let me talk to a couple of my friends who work within Child and Family Services and see what the options are, the risks and benefits. I can have you more information on it by the end of the week.”

“Thank you,” you told him, smiling as you left the room. You pulled out your phone, shooting a quick text to Jay ‘beer and pizza, my place, 9pm. Have something you might want to hear’ before shoving the device back in your pocket and getting back to work. 

The day seemed to fly by, bounding up the stairs to your apartment and getting ready for Jay to show up. You’d ordered the pizza, he was bringing the beer, it was going to be a great night. Especially since you had an idea when it came with how to help Mouse. All you had to do was see if Jay would be interested. 

Nine couldn’t come soon enough, hearing a quick rasp on your door. When you opened it, you were met with Jay’s smiling face and a six pack in his hand. You could barely contain your excitement, leading him inside.

“So, what’s got you all excited? It’s not Christmas,” he asked as you opened the top to the pizza box, Jay opening two of the bottles and setting one in front of you. 

“Okay, it’s a crazy idea. And I would understand if you don’t want to do it because it’s a lot, but there’s a way to move Mouse to a facility that is better equipped and prepared when it comes to the effects of his brain injury,” you explained before taking a bite from your pizza.

“Oh?” He opted for the drink, shaking your head softly with a smile. Such a Jay thing to do. The more time you spent with him, the more you wondered how you hadn’t met each other sooner. 

“So, again, this is just an idea, and you obviously don’t have to agree with it. We can figure something else out, but,” you smiled, taking a bite from your pizza. “You could petition to be Mouse’s legal guardian since he’s considered a ward of the state. You’d be able to choose where he goes, what his treatments would be. It’s going to be rough, you may not even win, but you can try,” you explained.

“What would that entail exactly?” he said after a minute of silence, seeming to mull it over in his head. 

“You would make all of his medical decisions. Who his doctors are, what medications he will or won’t get, what facility he stays at. Everything when it comes to his care would be your decision,” you explained again, not sure how else to word it. “I know you don’t know a lot when it comes to the medical stuff. And I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this if you don’t want to. It’s a lot of responsibility. But if there would be anybody who would win this case, it would be you considering your history with Mouse.”

“So, I could get him out of that place, closer?” 

“Yeah. And if you need any help with understanding the medical side of everything, I can do my best to explain. And you have Will,” you then reminded him. “Again, this is all if you want to. You don’t have to make a decision right now, and you don’t have to do it. Just consider it, maybe? I don’t know.” You shrugged, not knowing if it was something he’d even be interested in. He was so busy with his job and life already, you felt stupid for even considering he’d have time to become Mouse’s guardian. 

“What would it take?” His answer took you off guard, a look of hope clear as day on his perfect face. 

“A lot of paperwork. There would be hearings, a judge would have to deem that you being Mouse’s guardian would be in his best interest. I can get Dr Charles to assess how he’s being treated at his current facility, go over his medical records, treatment notes. He can make an argument in your favor. Then, you’d need multiple character witnesses. You’re going to need a good lawyer, Jay, because there’s a chance that because of your job, they might say no.” You didn’t want that to happen, especially considering that it seemed Jay wanted to do this. Or he was at least seriously thinking about it. 

“Nobody has ever told me this has even been a possibility,” he told you with a sad laugh. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

“I just want to see Mouse in an environment he can thrive in, not just survive. He’s grown on me. You both have.” 

He smiled, hooking his arm around your shoulders and bringing you against his chest. You could feel him press a kiss to the top of your head before resting his cheek on your hair. Being this close to Jay was Heaven on Earth, you were sure of it, bringing your arm across his abdomen, fingers loosely grasping the fabric of his shirt as the two of you refocused your attention on the movie that you’d turned on -- not exactly sure what was going on since your conversation had interrupted it. 

As the credits rolled, neither of you moved to get up, Jay just reaching over to grab the remote before leaning back on the couch. Quickly, he flipped through the channels, landing on a Brooklyn 99 re-run. 

“Don’t you see enough of this every day?” you asked him, curiosity peaking at his show choice.

“Yeah, but this is more focused on the interdepartmental relationships, and less to do with the actual cases. It’s fairly accurate too, though Voight would kill us if we tried doing half the stuff on this show,” he answered, squeezing you a little tighter with a smile. 

“I wish there was a medical show like that...Maybe Scrubs would be considered the equivalent, but…” You just shrugged. 

You weren’t expecting the spark between you as you looked at each other, mirroring smiles. The next thing you knew, you were tasting the beer and pizza on his lips, not quite sure who initiated it. It didn’t matter though, as the two of you moved together, your hand coming up to rest on the back of his neck. The positioning wasn’t ideal, not as comfortable as it could be. But Jay’s lips on yours was the perfect distraction. 

When he pulled back, you couldn’t help but gently bite your bottom lip, looking up at him through your lashes. His lips were red, desire evident in his eyes. As you looked at him, your fingers gently ran along his cheek and jaw, feeling the soft scratch of his stubble against sensitive skin. 

“After you left the first time I met you,” he began, not breaking the eye contact, “Mouse alluded to this happening. As if he already knew.” 

“What is this, Jay?” You wanted him. In that moment, more than the air you breathed. Yet, you needed to know if this was just a one-off, or if he saw this going somewhere. Because you didn’t want to fall into feelings with him, just for him to not want it. It would change everything, in a bad way, and would affect your relationship with his friend as well. 

“I want you, Y/N. More than friends, something...epic?” You giggled at his choice of words, bringing his lips down to yours again with fingernails scratching his scalp gently. Epic...That’s what it was going to be, you were sure of it. 

The kiss turned from innocent to not very fast, quickly repositioning to straddle his lap. His hands found your hips, pulling you close as lips fought for dominance. A dance, a battle that had either no winner or two winners. It didn’t seem to be the latter when he pulled away, breathless. 

“I should get home,” he said, voice rough. That was the last thing that you wanted, but you weren’t going to argue it. Instead, you just nodded, a last, quick kiss before you climbed off his lap. It gave you a minute to straighten yourself out. 

“Text me when you get home?” you asked as he stood up, regaining his balance after sitting for so long. He nodded in agreement, a smile on his face as he grabbed his jacket, shrugging it onto his shoulders. You walked him to the door, close behind. 

“I’ll see you in a couple days,” he assured you as he opened the door, leaning down for one more kiss. “That’s never gonna get old.”

“Night, Jay.” As much as you wanted him to stay, you knew it wasn’t the right time, not yet. You knew, though, that it was getting there. Slowly but surely, nearly three months of knowing each other, growing a friendship. You knew it was getting there as you watched him walk down the hall, shutting and locking the door when he turned out of sight.

Tag List: @carlimel @talicat713​  @paulafdez99​ @yzas-stuff​ @gemmafountainloves @ceiliesla​ @corebore123​ @annaallicce​ @fullwattpadmusictree​ @bethii1​ @thevelvetseries​ @mich-lynne3 @itmejado​ @music-is-my-escape71 @not-onlyedmlyrics​ @supergirl000983​ @mandybug39 @okiegirl24​ @haileymatthewss​ @httphiddlestan​ @capmanranger​ @ahhh0ahhh @bookgiver​ @daenerys-targaryes​ @galacticsmoon​ @beachfan412 @wearesodrica @danielacastellon @genericcaner @halsteadsway​ @theskytraveler​ @miranda0102​ @amyarondottir​ @onechicago18​ @lovecatystuff​ @doramstr​ @itsdesiree86​ @raveenasblog​ @smalltowngirly05​ @formulahockey @lookatallthefeels

[yoursexysweetcadaver]

Justice for Matthew Rushin - Black Autistic Lives Matter! #BLM #Justice4MatthewRushin

Hello there I have not seen any mention of what happened to Matthew Rushin on Tumblr yet so, I’m making this post hoping it gains traction. PLEASE signal boost, take your time to read and donate if you can or share, because this is a MASSIVE injustice and it needs to be spread around more. I don’t have many (active) followers so I don’t know how far this will go, but I’m hoping more people see this so please if you do see this, share and follow their social medias we need justice for Matthew ASAP.  He is experiencing vision loss and other symptoms related to a cyst in his brain that required medical care when he was and still is in his cell. I am going to keep my words brief, to give more voice to the family as they speak and explain best about what has been going on. There is an email template in this post that you can use to send to Virginia representatives (also listed), a GoFundMe link.  This is all taken from the family’s Facebook post and photos.

Also please feel free to add more hashtags, I added what I came up with.

I’m not only fighting for my son Matthew Rushin but for all those who have been wrongfully convicted. Laws must change to protect those with disabilities and our legislators must be held accountable to make these changes. We have to protect those with disabilities and not let the police (Virginia Beach Detective Jessica Hosang)/prosecutors (Colin Stolle, & Michael DeFricke)take advantage of them! They have stolen the music from my life!

Entire Washington Post link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/video/local/how-a-black-autistic-man-is-serving-10-years-in-prison-for-a-car-crash/2020/09/10/7f86aed2-5a58-475d-a806-3957ee3bdb2c_video.html?fbclid=IwAR2UcNCjCELk1F-3YuwQodKTyhoKSnEA0ASnuvNqfoAgDUwtEE1U3_B0Cpc

MEET MY SON MATTHEW RUSHIN: Matthew is a black, autistic twenty-two year old male who was & is still a model citizen even in prison. He beat all kinds of odds against him: black, autistic, ADHD, anxiety, a traumatic brain injury(TBI) in 2017 that left him comatose for several days, & which required rehabilitation in order for him to re-learn life functions, including walking & talking. A pituitary cyst was discovered during evaluation & treatment for the TBI. The single car accident which resulted in the TBI has left him with PTSD.  Despite all of these challenges, Matthew graduated with honors from high school, was employed & was an engineering student at ODU.  He participated in numerous volunteer activities.  He is a gifted pianist, plays the viola beautifully, & he composes music and writes poems. Matthew was sentenced to 50 years (to serve 10) for a nonfatal, unintentional car accident involving no drugs or alcohol. If you are thinking there must be more to the story, there is. One of Matthew’s autistic processes is called Echolalia, which causes him to repeat words that he hears. After the car accident, Matthew stepped out of his car & was met by an angry driver who cursed at him and repeatedly yelled at him “are you f***ing trying to kill yourself?” In his distressed state, Matthew repeated these man’s words about suicide: words that were used to turn a car accident into a crime. Matthew was charged with 2nd degree murder with a claim that the accident was an intentional attempt to kill himself by deliberately driving head-on into another car. Officers did not exhibit any understanding of autism in their interpretations of Matthew’s comments and actions. Instead, they took advantage of his vulnerability as they handcuffed him, questioned him for nearly 4 hours at the scene, lied to him about evidence, isolated him from his family. A forensic engineer and traffic collision reconstructionist with 33 years’ experience has written a report detailing the ways the Commonwealth’s suicide determination as a cause for the accident is NOT a plausible explanation. Facing the terrifying prospect of a jury trial, Matthew was pressured to plead guilty to crimes he didn’t commit, led to believe it would allow him to go home. He was never properly treated or evaluated, and his health and disability were never properly considered. Today, Matthew sits in prison without an understanding of why he is there. Matthew and his family have immense compassion for the individuals wounded in the January 2019 car crash, especially the man with the most severe and sustaining injuries. Their thoughts are with these individuals daily. But Matthew is not a danger to society. He is highly vulnerable in the brutal prison environment as a man with a disability. And he faces the possibility of permanent blindness or even death due to an untreated brain cyst. Help Matthew's family bring him home. Ask Governor Northam to grant Matthew an Absolute Pardon and do whatever it takes to free him today!

************************* SAMPLE EMAIL************************** I am writing to you because I feel passionately that Matthew Rushin, a gentle young man with neurological processing differences that accompany autism spectrum disorder, should NOT be behind bars.   Please review his case. A nonfatal car accident that involved NO drugs or alcohol, a young man with autism who has never before been in trouble with the law.  This is someone who should NOT have been sentenced to 50 years and now spending a decade of his life in jail with violent offenders all because of a driving mistake.  Furthermore, it is highly likely that the accident even occurred because of his losing consciousness due to a seizure. A forensic engineer and traffic collision reconstructionist with 33 years experience has written a report detailing the ways the commonwealth’s suicide determination as a cause for the accident is NOT a plausible explanation: https://neuroclastic.com/.../2020/06/rushin-engineer.pdf...  This is also what Matthew repeatedly told officers during his interrogation, when he should have been receiving medical care. At the scene of the accident, Matthew repeated words that were screamed at him. Echolalia is a method many with autism use for processing situations.  This involves them repeating what someone has said to them. Matthew did this, and he was convicted because of it, rather than for the actual facts of the case that illustrated it was indeed an unintentional car accident. Please review his case.  He needs medical attention for the cyst on his brain. He is experiencing headaches and transient blindness, and his medical care for this is long overdue. Please do not let him die in jail. This young man has been criminalized and had his life destroyed. He has a history of being a model citizen prior to this accident - honors in high school, an engineering college student, a volunteer. He needs medical care for the cyst on his brain and is experiencing transient blindness and short term memory loss, further exacerbated by his recent assault in jail by another inmate. Please do what you can to help. Prison offers the VA community nothing in terms of betterment by keeping him locked up and potentially killing him because of lack of medical care and his vulnerability as a young man with disabilities in a brutal environment. Help his family bring him home. The injuries incurred to the victims involved, particularly the man with the most severe and sustaining injuries, are horrible. But the punishment is above and beyond inhumane and unproductive for Matthew Rushin to be sentenced to 50 years and serving 10 for a nonfatal car accident involving no drugs or alcohol.  

******************************************************************************************* These are critical points: 1. Matthew was not taken for medical (and mental health evaluation) the evening of the crash.  He has lost consciousness, had a prior serious brain injury, was banged up around the face and bleeding, was not making sense - yet, instead of taking him for evaluation and care, the police handcuffed and interrogated him for nearly 4 hours at the scene, then more at the police station (with lies and manipulation).  He still has not had the physical evaluation he should have had that day - despite the fact that he has a cyst on his pituitary gland that was due evaluation the month he was jailed (19 months ago), AND he is having severe headaches, dizziness and temporary blindness.                                                                     2. Virginia Beach Police Department has a CIT (Crisis Intervention Team) program that is supposed to divert people with mental illness or in mental health crises to treatment rather than the criminal system.  Not only did they not activate that team despite his history of PTSD, anxiety and his symptoms at the scene AND the fact that they were going to charge him with attempted 2nd degree murder on the basis of a suicide attempt (unfounded!), the woman how did much of the interrogation - which included lies about the evidence they had, and pretending that she was his friend - is a trainer for their CIT program.  Further, suicidology must be determined by psychologist or psychiatrist.  It was not - and wouldn't have been.  They were able to maintain that charge, because after 7 months of jail, when Matthew was told that if he signed the plea deal, he could go home - that was his understanding - he signed it.  From that point forward, the prosecutor, judge and press referred to the "fact" that he admitted he deliberately ran into the other car because he was trying to kill himself.                                                                       Officer Hosang only has 12 hours of Autism training, it takes psychologists years undergraduate education, graduate education and a whole lot of certification to even be able to practice. Officer Hosang told Matthew as heard in the interrogation, she hopes to arrest and charge him. What CIT does that? Is that descalating the issue? Um.. no way! 3. Mental health services have not been provided.  Medication for anxiety was provided after months, but not counseling/treatment.  Matthew has not had the required neurology follow up for his conditions identified prior to his incarceration.                                                                                                                     4. Matthew and his family have not been able to talk face to face for 19 months, let alone hug.  This 20 year old autistic man who had just been in a very serious car accident and who was clearly physically impacted was not allowed the comfort of his family.  His dad was at the scene for hours waiting to be allowed to see his son.  He wasn't even told when they took Matthew away from the scene.  Mr. Rushin found out 45 minutes later.     5. Matthew was ripped from his life on the basis of an unsubstantiated claim, denied his rights, taken advantage of and taken straight to prison for a charge that never should have been made.  Yet when there is overwhelming evidence of all of the wrongdoing, he remains in prison.  That is totally unbalanced.  He was judged guilty on sight.  But it is taking months to free him.  This is so wrong. ________________________________________________________________________________ (1) GOVERNOR RALPH NORTHAM EMAIL: Ralph.Northam@governor.virginia.gov CALL: (804) 786-2211 (2) COUNSEL TO GOVERNOR NORTHAM Legal Counsel Rita Davis Rita.Davis@governor.virginia.gov (3) Kelly Thomasson: Secretary of the Commonwealth EMAIL: Kelly.thomasson@governor.virginia.gov CALL: (804) 786-2441 Fax: 804-786-7441 (4) Tonya D. Chapman: Chair of the Virginia Parole Board EMAIL:  tonya.chapman@vpb.virginia.gov CALL:    804-674-3081 (5) PAROLE BOARD PARDONS@GOVERNOR.VIRGINIA.GOV (6) Brian Moran: Secretary of Public Safety and Homeland Secretary CALL:   Office: 804-786-5351 EMAIL: Brian.Moran@governor.virginia.gov (6) Mark R. Herring: Virginia Attorney General EMAIL: service@oag.state.va.us CALL: (804)786-2071 ****************************************************************** (1) PETITION LINK: (DO NOT DONATE TO THE PETITION, ONLY SHARE) http://chng.it/gvNy5rJ77H

(2) GOFUNDME FOR LEGAL AND EXPERT FEES (ZERO THE TIP FEE: DO NOT ADD A TIP): we still need financial assistance! We appreciate everyone ❤️ https://gf.me/u/yjwwty

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