#the last one was a submission but I cannot for the life of me remember who made it

[textsfromthetva]

Loki + tumblr [148/?]

[bunnydracula]

15k has been raised on chuffed!! Have we hit the goal for the evacuation this week?

Yes!!!!! We are in the critical phase of the fundraiser now that evacuation is actually tenable, and the donations that come in now will decide whether or not people check out once they mistakenly believe the family no longer needs support. Our full target is still $40,000 to pay for Manal's life-saving hysterectomy in New Cairo and for the treatment of Mohamed's wounds and Sarah's illness. As of today, though, December 10th 2024 -- by some small miracle -- we have indeed hit our short-term goal and Mohamed is now able to register himself and his two remaining children to join their mother Manal when she is transported to Egypt. This is a tremendous relief and Mohamed shares his gratitude with everyone who has made this possible. Please check out the FAQ I have set up for more details of the Al Manasra family's situation. I am hesitant to count any of our chickens until the family is 1) actually completely registered, since these donations only reach Mohamed $3,500 at a time and 2) actually evacuated! and then 3) that Manal receives the treatment she needs once they safely make it to Egypt. Both the hospital director and the recent delegation from Jordan has agreed that Manal evacuation must happen as quickly as possible due to her deteriorating health, although we are prevented from sharing a concrete date because the occupation controls the crossings and everyone should know by now how the occupation behaves. The irony of this Palestinian family being forced to pay for private hospital services while American taxpayer money funds single-payer healthcare for Israeli citizens as well as the bombs dropped on Gaza cannot be understated. Manal would not be put at the top of the evacuation list unless there was a high likelihood agreed upon by doctors that she can make a full recovery in Egypt. This remains the family's lifeline. Please remember that the last minute holiday gifts market is still open through the 14th! Artist submissions are back open today due popular demand + original offerings selling out. Tap below for the market and the artist submission form if you'd like to offer something! Share with your networks! Tell people they can get amazing stuff from you by donating to the Al Manasra family campaign!

I've just listed FOUR slots for high-detail traditional portrait commissions of film & television characters! Find me in the marketplace by searching my name or handle. the Al Manasra family is vetted #192 here by El-Shab Hussein and Nablusi.

read more of my posts and comics about the Al Manasra family here.

you can alternatively donate to Mohamed’s still-active GOFUNDME page if you have an issue with Chuffed.

mohamed’s Tumblr page is @save-mohamed-family

[suzukiblu]

Day thirty of “Kon meets pink kryptonite and decides to fuck Tim and his boyfriend about it” behind the cut. (( chrono || non-chrono ))

“I mean, like–it’s a little like–” Kon tries with another embarrassed wince, and burns alive, and just– “Like–it’s not as good as getting kissed, just–” 

God, he is not making this sound normal. Like not even a little bit is he making this sound normal. 

“Ohhhhh my gods,” Bernard mutters, then grabs his face again and kisses him. Kon’s still embarrassed out of his mind but like, he’s not gonna not kiss him back, obviously, so like–he kisses him back, and rewraps his arms a little tighter around him again, and just ignores the insistent demand of both his burning embarrassment and his over-optimistic dick trying trying to get–well, over-optimistic. Or like–a little ahead of itself, at least. 

Well, like, he tries to, anyway. 

It just feels, like–good, that’s all. Just–that’s all. 

Kon shouldn’t actually be embarrassed, given his entire life experience and also the fact that Bernard very clearly does not mind, but like–it just feels embarrassing, still. He shouldn’t even have said anything but it just would’ve been such a weird thing to lie about and– 

Why is he getting embarrassed so easily, some distracted part of him thinks. Like–as if he’s really–? 

“You are so hard not to, like, either fuck stupid or just cuddle into submission, it is the weirdest and most fascinating dichotomy,” Bernard informs him, leaning back from the kiss and rubbing his thumbs along the arcs of both of Kon’s cheekbones as he grins up at him. Kon feels sort of wooed. Or like–super-wooed. No pun intended or whatever. Just–wooed, yeah. Way, way too wooed. “Do you think we can make cuddle-fucking a thing because I thought we were doing a pretty good job of it the last time, so like, what are your feelings on refining the rough draft version later?” 

Yeah, Kon is way too easily embarrassed right now, what the fuck. 

“I dunno, man, I don’t know shit about editing,” he says, grinning maybe a little dopily back at the guy as he gives him a little telekinetic squeeze. “Might take a few tries, y’know? You got the stamina for that?” 

“Why did I not order any overnight-delivery sex toys when I was ordering the groceries,” Bernard mutters. “That was such an oversight on my part, truly, I am so sorry for letting down the side there. Really don’t have the equipment to put any pink kryptonite in it here, though, at least as far as I’m aware. Possibly I should’ve asked Tim about that one, come to think, but at least I could’ve gotten something standard.” 

“For literally just ‘til Monday?” Kon asks with a snicker. 

“I mean like you could keep ‘em, party favors or whatever,” Bernard replies reasonably. “But if you didn’t want ‘em I’m sure our toybox would’ve had room for a new plug and a nice fat strap.” 

Kon cannot actually even decide which one of those ideas makes him more insane–getting sent home with “party favor” sex toys to just, like–keep that Tim and Bernard had used on him, or the two of them keeping sex toys that they’d used on him. 

“You are way too good at this shit, I am not used to not being the kinkiest fucker in the conversation,” he says frankly, and Bernard laughs and gives him a quick little kiss. 

“What can I say, man, you’re inspiring me to bring my A-game,” he replies with a smug little smirk, then taps two fingers against the dip of Kon’s collarbone. “We’d definitely have let you keep the collar, though. You totally earned that.” 

Kon puts his hands over his face so he can, like, die in private for a moment, then bursts into laughter so he won’t just disassemble himself, and Bernard pushes himself up on his toes to kiss the back of his knuckles and then laughs harder, and Kon spreads his fingers to look at him while he’s still in all close and feels this weird giddy, like–warm feeling, and just, like–just really wants to kiss him some more. Like a lot more. Like so much more. 

Also he did not really remember how much he actually likes brown eyes, but he is being very strongly reminded right now. And like, that warm melty-sweet look that specifically Bernard’s eyes have is . . . a lot, definitely. 

Seriously, no wonder Tim’s so into this dude. Like–Bernard is clearly just very, very easy to get into, as a person and all.

[holysh1ft]

NAVIGATING DOUBT when manifesting/shifting.

i’ve reached a pretty comfortable place when it comes to doubts, so i wanted to share a few things that have helped me actualize this mentality. please note i am not claiming these approaches are infallible. it's going to vary person to person and even moment to moment, but i know that sometimes, having a toolkit to fall back on can be helpful!

WHAT ARE DOUBTS? doubts are just you putting your awareness on what you don't want. like everything in existence, doubts are simply something you are/can be aware of—a cloud floating through the sky of awareness. now, i know they don't always feel like that, and i'll get to more on that in a second here, but first, let's establish that doubts are just something to be aware of, like everything else in existence.

DO DOUBTS AUTOMATICALLY "MANIFEST?" thoughts alone do not "manifest." if they did, every thought you've ever had would have materialized physically, and life would be chaos. what does make itself seen in physicality—from a free coffee to a whole new reality—is who you are conscious of being or, in other words, awareness plus identification. what do you ascribe to be true about you/reality?

this is why doubts can feel so "real." you're used to having your awareness on a self who doesn't get what they want, has to effort hard to receive very little, is unstable/unsafe, always fails at shifting/manifesting, or is otherwise lacking or incomplete in some way. so, when you have a thought that your desire won't manifest or you won't wake up in your DR, it feels real to you because it is real to/is in alignment with the self you've identified with.

HOW TO "DEAL WITH" DOUBTS. when you're in the mindset that your doubts are something you have deal with, fight, or eradicate, you create a hydra out of them—chop off one head and more appear. this is because you're putting your awareness on the self who has to fight doubts, and thus, more doubts arise (i.e., manifest) for you to fight.

in my experience of self, fighting has never gotten me anything other than exhaustion, be it mental or physical. the answer was always in softening. as the ancient one said to stephen strange, "you cannot beat a river into submission. you have to surrender to its current, and use its power as your own."

what does this look like with doubts? first, remember that doubts are just something to be aware of. they're entirely neutral until you give them power. as jesus said to pontius pilate, "you could have no power at all against me unless it had been given you from above." your doubts have no inherent power until you've given your power to them because you, your light of awareness, are the sole power in your individualized reality.

when i become aware that my awareness is on doubts, i often like to remind myself, "i remember when i was doubting if it would happen, and here it is. the doubts meant nothing." this helps me frame my doubts from the perspective of fulfillment.

of course, i also know that not all doubts can be easily dismissed. the way you navigate doubt is often dependent on how closely you've identified with them, and that's why i wrote the disclaimer at the beginning. if you feel so deeply stuck, my recommendation is to either:

find a way to self-soothe. take deep breaths. take a nap. listen to music. take a shower. do something that will help you get to a better emotional state. really, take care of yourself as best as you can with the resources you have immediately available to you. this too shall pass; these awful feelings won't last forever. be kind and gentle with yourself.

put your focus on anything else. watch a super engaging tv show, play a challenging video game, or learn calculus for all i care. just put your awareness on something else by completely consuming your focus with the new task at hand.

stop trying. this is the law of paradoxical intent: the harder you try toward something, the more difficult it can be to attain/the more separate you perceive yourself from your goal. instead of pushing against them, drop the trying and just let them be. don't resist your doubts. let them exist and yap like you would an annoying sibling, but you don't have to give them your attention and focus. honestly, you could even give your doubts a name and personify them as a way to de-identify from them and brush them off. "oh, that's just steve. steve is always worried about stuff that doesn't matter." obviously, if your name is steve (a) sorry and (b) name them something else. i also recommend naming the doubter after a character who worries about stuff that never comes to fruition.

when the storm passes through your awareness and you reach a state of greater emotional and mental clarity, choose again. affirm, visualize, script, decide, or whatever manifesting/shifting means to you. be it now. choose it now. decide it now. there's only one moment anyway. when the doubts are "in the past," they only exist in your awareness of what you prescribe the past to be. so, weather the storm, then choose your desired self when you're ready to.

YOUR DOUBTS CAN SERVE YOU. it can be easy to get caught up in the "dealing with doubts" narrative, that you can forget these doubts are just you. everything is you. so, if your doubts are you, they're actually showing you who are you, and there's a ton of information you can glean from them with a keen eye: study them.

get curious, open, and inquisitive, and try to observe the narrative these doubts are telling from an objective perspective. this can be an incredibly beneficial process because it can bring some unconscious assumptions up to the light of your conscious awareness, thus empowering you to shift your assumptions at the root instead of trying to brute force yourself into a better state. if your doubts keep telling the same story over and over again, what are they revealing to you about what you fundamentally believe about yourself?

people in this community can rush to deny doubts so damn fast, but if it's a persistent challenge "dealing with them," then i really do implore people to get self-reflective. i was able to radically shift my consciousness around a few areas of my life when i realized my doubts were a product of an underlying assumption that i wasn't safe in this world, and when i brought that underlying assumption to the surface of my conscious awareness, i was empowered with the opportunity to choose a new narrative: i am safe, i am secure, i am provided for, and i am safe in my body. now, doubts that were formerly connected to this old story don't pester me as much, both in frequency and intensity.

i also started seeing my doubts as fulfillment. you don't know you were on the bridge of incidents until you get to the end. there were times when i would have this nagging anxiety about something, i would get up and take action because i was a ball of jittery energy, only to find out retrospectively that that was the thing that would lead me to exactly what i wanted. i started doubting my doubts less after this happened a couple times, tbh, and i really just let them be what they are, while putting my greater trust in total fulfillment.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR DOUBTS. your doubts are just passing through your awareness, the true you. if manifesting/shifting is a matter of awareness and identification, navigating doubts is just the opposite: reducing the presence of doubts in your awareness by putting your awareness on what you want over what you don't want and de-identifying with the self who is not fulfilled.

doubts are not permanent, but you are eternal. they have no power over you and neither are you a victim to them. let them be. let them pass. and continue to remind yourself: it's already done. it's already yours. everything is already perfect, including you. you are perfect, and you have always been perfect. it's just a matter of remembering the perfection you already are.

[mqrrstarr]

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!!

Gladiator Characters x GN! Reader

Feat: Geta, Caracalla, Commodus, Lucius, Maximus, Acacius, Lucilla, Macrinus!!

Christmas Day and Eve headcanons!

Warnings: poorly edited, just a girl who loves these characters and the holidays, a bit short

A/N: MERRY CHRISTMAS!! don’t feel the same vibe as I did when a child, so I’m coping with writing. This will be a seven part series regarding Gladiator characters and Christmas and I’ll try to post them all BY THE END OF THE WEEK (?) but uhh don’t hold that against me. Enjoy!!

EDIT: the series has been canceled cause I can’t write. Wait until December 2025!! 💗

Summary: headcanons for all the gladiator characters and how they’d spend Christmas Eve and Day with their SO.

｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ｡ﾟ｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ｡ﾟ

Geta would spend Christmas Eve with dinner specially made for his SO, (he def has better cooking skills than Caracalla) and he’d lovingly give them a bonus Eve gift. It’s a beautiful moment, where the strong and feared leader of Rome and succumb to the one he loves.

“Enjoy it darling. The beauty of the holidays does not compare to yours.”

He’d watch you enjoy his meal, and drink the wine he picked out especially for the occasion. As much as music was needed, Geta refused to let anyone interrupt your moment together.

On Christmas Day, it would depend on what happened during the night. Was it a peaceful night, was it active, or was it bland? Either way, Geta would get up and prepare presents for you, a surprise for no one other than the love of his life. He’d do it quietly, and super early in the morning. He’d rarely sleeps in peace anyways, so why use the energy elsewhere?

It would also be a morning where you wake up gently, and be surprised by the lavish decorations Geta has placed. Gold and white silk decorating his room, and most of all, your Emperor was still yours.

- - - - - - -

Caracalla is in love with the holidays. He gets giddy, childlike, and excited every time. This is a period in the year where he can remember something good about his youth. He likes to keep himself happy, and now that you’re his? You’re included in all the traditions.

During your Christmas dinner, he’d bring out a bunch of dinner games, have slaves perform for the both of you (AMND reference btw) and it would be a wholesome night.

Before Christmas Day, the eldest emperor cried during the night. He laid in your arms, and caressed you in return.

“Sweets. I cannot express how much care…”

He looks at you like a puppy worshipping its owner.

“I truly care about you. And although these times are happy and remind me of things, I hope to make new memories with you.”

The night would pass, and the morning would come. You’d wake up in Caracalla’s embrace, and to be frank, none of you got the others gifts out. So you just opened everything together, and you had never seen the man so happy.

- - - - - - -

Commodus and Christmas. What an interesting mix. Take a emotionally damaged man with immense childhood trauma and put him in a holiday where he did nothing but suffer? Where his own father ignored him and gave him nothing but one gift?

Christmas Eve with him was truly nothing but a dinner. Now that he had you, he tried to forget and make new memories. But the shame and pain was still visible in his eyes. You couldn’t take it anymore and sat next to him, caressing him and saying words of affection.

“My present from Venus, ignore my past and ignore my anger. My father ruined my mind, and all you can do it heal it. This Christmas will be my first with you, and if my last? Than I would rather be dead.”

You looked at him with such sincerity in your eyes, he became submissive to your touch and you both proceeded to sit next to the fire in his room.

Christmas morning arrived promptly, and knowing this was a very sensitive time for Commodus, you got him a gift he’d never forget. This necklace, engraved with your initials and his; with both of your favorite jewels. And, a new laurel crown for the one and only Emperor himself.

Commodus nearly fell down into tears, so grateful he was finally seen.

- - - - - - -

Lucius loved you with his entire heart. After being forcefully removed from his mother as a kid, and already losing his first wife, he couldn’t bear the thought of losing another person special to him.

To Lucius, Christmas is the mark of the end of the year, another time to celebrate the fact you’re both alive, and that you’re both still warriors. (writing from a Gladiator! perspective rather than Prince!)

“My love, I am eternally grateful to the Gods that we can be together.”

He kisses your forehead, gently as to not hurt you. You spend your Christmas Eve with a simple meal, and the next day not as lavish either.

Lucius adored you already: but he’d try to get a gift anyways, even though he already admires and thinks you’re just amazing! (Poppy and Branch dynamic)

He’d come up with something cute and homemade, providing the point that it doesn’t have to be expensive to matter. (save me Lucius save me)

- - - - - - -

Maximus wasn’t the same after the loss of his previous wife and child, and this time was bittersweet for him. His SO kept him sane, and he tried not to let his sadness show through.

You decorated the tree in your home, one Maximus was able to buy after years of being a Gladiator. He occasionally goes to the fights, but not anymore. Now he’s a Senator. (NOT CANON ITS JUST SO HES NOT DEAD AND IT WILL MAKE SENSE IN THE OTHER SEVEN PARTS)

He came up behind you and kissed your neck, watching you place the last of the ornaments.

“Excellent work my dear. Excellent. I’m going to bed now, meet you there?”

And he went away in a form far too sad for the usual Maximus. You knew him well, and simply decided to go to sleep as well. The following morning, you woke up first and decided to get your gift for Maximus.

It was a wooden carving of him, his late wife, his late child, and you all together.

Maximus woke up a few minutes later, and got your gift from the bedroom! (You were in the living room.) He got you a bracelet from his dead wife, something that really meant a lot to him.

“My dear? I’d like to give you this. It belonged to my former wife, and she liked it dearly. Made form Spanish jewels and metal, of course. I love you, but I beg for you to understand that she and my son still live in me. You understand, right?”

You nodded, happy and overwhelmed. You gave Maximus his gift, and tears were shed from the both of you. Your gift meant a lot, as you accepted his love and the love for those gone.

- - - - - - -

Acacius loved the holidays. It was a time where he could relax, sink into his own bed, be clean, and most important, be with you.

You finished preparing the meal, a mix of both his and your favorite foods with some Roman delicacies thrown in there.

“Looks great my sweet. Not as good as you though! But you know I love you.”

He caressed your hips before helping set the table. The meal was prepped and Acacius sat you down first. (WHAT A GENTLEMAN)

He sat across from you at the table, and you talked about what was going on, what you wanted to happen in Rome, etc.

Eventually, stuff happened and you both woke up in the each others arms in the morning. Acacius always laid very still in the night, out of pure instinct. However, Christmas morning he couldn’t stop moving around, and woke the both of you up together.

He eagerly said, “Hurry up and change, your gift is outside.” He smiled and left promptly.

Outside, there was a gleaming white stallion.

“For you. A horse just as grand as your soul.”

You smiled. Who wouldn’t want a horse as a gift? But inside you shattered. The only gift you got for Acacius was a painting of himself. You showed it to him, and he reassured you it was enough. Let’s just say he’d also show you it was okay.

- - - - - - -

Lucilla loved the holidays. She decorated excessively, both as a young woman and as she is now. (hc, it’s because Lucius loved the looks and lights of Christmas and the guilt of having him leave her has followed her forever)

“One more wreath I promise… it’s just an extra special one… done!”

She looked at you and smiled. It radiated calm and positivity, an effect only Lucilla had. You kissed her and assured the place looked great.

“Dinner should be set by the slaves by now. It should be good. I trust it is. They sent by fresh fruits and veggies and proper meat as well. I’d like to give you your gift now, would that be alright? I just truly cannot wait.”

You nodded yes, but you’d have to get the gift from the room. You agreed to meet again in five minutes to exchange gifts.

Soon, the two of you are reunited, and she presents a lovely sculpture of you, portrayed in such an ethereal form; as if the gods had carved it themselves. You gave her a crown made from pure gold and a ring, as you knew she loved collecting rings. The ring you gave her had your initials carved, signifying the both of you tied together.

- - - - - - -

Macrinus had a holiday anytime one of his prized gladiators won. Yet, Christmas, was an actual holiday he could look forward to.

“Uh, Dove, do you know if the servants have finished the meal? I’ve got a bunch of gladiators waiting to fight in your honor.”

(he calls you Dove bc you’re his symbol of peace!)

He planted a kiss on your forehead before leading you to the garden outside, where a meal was served and the servants were waiting patiently, deserts, fruits, wine in their hands.

Five gladiators waited in chains to be released to have a “playful” hand to hand fight, something Macrinus found plenty delight in.

“I have a gift for you. I won’t be around tomorrow, as the Emperors requested a meeting with me. So I wish to give you this. I know it’s a bit excessive, but you deserve it.”

He gave you a pearl necklace with ruby earrings to go with it, and a slip saying you owned a young gladiator.

You thanked Macrinus, and you enjoyed the meal as the gladiators fought and the moon shined upon the both of you.

“I live for you, and I love you Dove. Fly high always.”

[sgiandubh]

Oh my you have it all wrong (again) regarding Lee Schrager. In no way he met him after the birthday party in Miami! After that birthday party he went straight to NYC promoting LA. And wtf are you babbling about BCAC going on about a ballerina? The nonsense you spread - smh

Just take a good look back, or maybe just use BCAC's timelines, than it would have save you half an hour or more, and prevent you from making these mistakes.

He met Lee Scharger on December 5th 2022 after his first bottle signing in Miami December 3rd 2022, not after his birthday party with the guys in 2023. As said after the b-day he went to NYC for LA promo and right after that back to Belgium for TCND filming. No time for Mr. Schrager

If he had been smart he already participated at NYCWFF last year, but hey a comped vacay to Nevis was more important!

Get your facts straight before you start bullying other bloggers who do post facts.

Dear Get Your Facts Straight Anon,

I am not very sure what you do hope to achieve with this submission to my account. Because I am a Stupid, Stupid Shipper, I can only think of two possibilities:

A - you probably thought I was about to burst into tears, not publish a word, throw in the towel and disappear for ever from your obsessive screens. Something that would have perhaps ingratiated you to Marple until the end of time

OR

B- you probably thought I would publish it and look like a zero credibility, lying idiot and lose all my readers and throw in the towel and disappear for ever from your obsessive screens. Something that would have perhaps ingratiated you to Marple until the end of time.

Same objective. Placing people between a rock and a hard place. Killing them quickly and brutally with venomous words and be done with someone that you perpetually seem to choke on from June 2023 until the end of time.

At any rate you were wrong, 'Anon'. There are better, more civilized ways to correct people, there are more subtle ways to ridicule them. No doubt, this is what you tried to achieve, here. And well, there we are: you are still Anon and I am still owning my game. How about that, pumpkin?

The first post about Lee Schrager has been published by me exactly one (fucking) year ago: https://www.tumblr.com/sgiandubh/730746701530431488/labor-of-love?source=share. During all this time, there have been zero comments or corrections about it (I have even blocked an Anti, @justagirlwithspirit, but NOT about that point). You waited. Fair enough. I owe you a corrigenda and I also owe @bat-cat-reader and all the people who commented under those posts about Schrager my deepest apologies. I have diligently scoured the socials, checked my archives, relistened to Mark Gillespie's podcast and no, I could not find any trace of a lunch with Lee Schrager end of April/early May 2023 (I arrived in this fandom on June 18th 2023, mind you - that does not excuse anything, but perhaps it could explain a bit).

You were correct to point out December 5th, 2022, as the day of 'a quiet Sunday night dinner' with S and the SS team. For anyone with a bit of time on their hands, this is obvious - why disingenuously deny?

For the life of me and with the best intentions in the world, I cannot remember how did I incorrectly connect those two episodes. I don't know what happened, how it happened and I feel quite angry at myself, to be honest. Again, you (all of you!) have my deepest apologies, knowing that it doesn't really change anything in the great scheme of things. It greatly pisses me off, surely. But it will not make me stop. You are not that powerful.

Your accuracy stops here, however. The ballerina (or 'dancer', as she called it) was something Marple heavily insisted upon, when she posted that footage from the restaurant where S was celebrating 'with the guys'. I hope you can read, Anon:

Perhaps it's her humor. Perhaps she has zero humor, as I tend to think. In any case, this kind of insinuation lacked class and taste. It was unnecessarily disparaging and could even be construed as downright cruel by some. But if three posts on the same totally irrelevant topic in the span of two hours and a half do not resonate as 'heavily insisting' with you, then I certainly can't help you see her intentions, here.

'If he had been smart, he would have already participated at NYCWFF last year, but hey a comped vacay to Nevis was more important!' Grammar will always betray you, 'Anon'. Always. But rest assured, your dirty little narcissistic secret is safe with me. I won't give you more time, nor space than basic ethics allow. The rest is your problem. It is absolutely clear the Nevis trip was not 'a comped vacay', as you so carelessly write. I have posted at length about this #ad hashtag, not once, but twice. In the hope you guys across the street would write less garbage about it - to no avail:

[October 25th, 2023: https://www.tumblr.com/sgiandubh/732163733760163840/y-seguimos-para-bingo?source=share]

[October 29th, 2023: https://www.tumblr.com/sgiandubh/732463933939728384/bigotry?source=share]

I am many things, Anon. I am a short-tempered woman and I take no prisoners. But I am no coward and I am no fool. I might sometimes mix up my 'timelines', but I am not a vile, obsessed troll, with a big grammar problem. Ask your Caporegime why did she insist I have no legal education, until the day I got angry enough to post one of my well, several diplomas from Paris? How is that called, Anon?

It's not just 'spreading nonsense', no. It's calumny.

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

[livmightlive]

LU Maze Runner AU (actually explained this time)

Okay, I got way ahead of myself in my last post 😭 I forgot that maze runner didn’t have the same impact on everybody as it did me. Here’s the actual plot of my AU so that it makes sense to everyone 😭

Hyrule has reached an incredibly advanced age of technology and other sciences. (So think like, hunger games, or any sci-fi movie that takes place like, 200 years in the future.) Most of Hyrule has fallen to a horrible virus called the gloom. This gloom grows through plants and taints water sources.  This virus was engineered by a terrible cult called Demise, a group of people under the control of a man named Ganon who wishes to take control of Hyrule. 

In retaliation, a group sponsored by the royal lineage of Hyrule creates a research facility called HYLIA to study ways to take down Demise and fight against the gloom. They take individuals from across Hyrule who show either great resistance, sometimes even immunity to the gloom, and/or significant resistance against the cult of Demise. Demise has some type of brainwashing technology that causes people to either become submissive under its rule or compliant to the cult, often joining it. 

Of course in this story the people taken are the boys from the chain and also all the Zeldas. They’re all taken young, at least in the quarter HYLIA that they live in. Most of them were surrendered by their parents but others were either found or taken. HYLIA cannot afford to be kind. 

So in essence, everyone is stuck there, but it’s not horrible. They spend a lot of time getting “normal” schooling. They’re subjected to tests but it’s not necessarily like a horror lab AU. They’re not treated like animals or anything but they certainly can’t leave. This of course leads to a lot of resentment from the chain.

Eventually HYLIA starts getting frustrated. They aren’t getting very far with their testing. It just isn’t… natural. One of the key discoveries is that gloom resistance and resistance to Demise mind control is really hard to replicate in practical labs. The labs can’t be unbiased with literally the same exact sample each time. They realize that the only way they can actually get results is through real life experience. But how can they get that when all these people have been living in HYLIA for years? 

The Maze is born. It's huge, spanning hundreds of acres of land. In its very center lies the glade, a safe spot of land in the middle of it all, the maze surrounding it. (I’ll try and draw a rough map at some point.) They build two of them. One for the boys, one for the girls. They fill the mazes with genetically engineered monsters that they infuse with low levels of the gloom in order to see how the “participants” react when they fight them. 

The mazes are full of different puzzles and beasts so that HYLIA can study the participants and how they react. Through these means, they believe they will understand how to defeat Demise and the gloom.

I mentioned before that they send in each chain member going off of their game release dates. This starts with Hyrule and ends with Wild. They time this just around the span of a full year, sending in a member around a month or two at a time. 

Before they send in each member, they completely and FULLY erase their memories so that when they wake up in the glade, all they can remember is their name and age. They do remember how to do things, like math, reading, survival skills, etc. but they don’t know how or when they learned it. Sometimes they might get strong feelings, but that’s all they have. They’re essentially new people once they hit the maze. 

I’ll get more into the chain members and dynamics next time! Or I can write about anything you want 💕💕💕 please lmk thoughts!! They keep me motivated

[highly-flammable]

Sunrise on the Reaping Reaction: Chapter 7-8

All parts here

Previous: Chapter 3-6

Spoilers ahead!

Chapter 7:

* “And while Lenore Dove will forever be my true love, Louella is my one and only sweetheart.” The sound you hear is of my heart breaking into pieces. In her eyes, Haymitch felt like someone who was admired, and losing her is not just losing a piece of home and a source of strength, but also that. Haymitch is so loved, and he is going to lose everyone who loves him and he loves in return, one by one. What it must have done to him when Katniss came into his life reminding him of his little sweetheart. No, I’m not okay. Next question.

* Louella’s blood is on his hands until he takes the bath. Ugh. This is too painful because these people were family in every way that mattered.

* I’ll be honest, reading about pre-games training bores me at this point. It’s a necessary part of the journey, but whatever. The only interesting thing is Haymitch and the female tribute whose name I have already forgotten contemplating whether to use their weapons to make a break for it, but I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere.

Chapter 8:

* Why is someone as crafty as Plutarch having a philosophical debate over the districts’ submission to the Capitol’s regime with a tribute out in the open?

* “I wonder what they did with Louella’s body. I hope it’s been sent home to the McCoys. Their family plot’s right next door to ours, so Louella and I will be reunited soon enough.” - He loves Louella so much, I’m in tears again.

* Ampert is Beetee’s son?! Oh, poor Beetee, having to mentor his own child. This is actually the first time it doesn’t feel contrived that one of the victors we met in Catching Fire is showing up in this book. I remember Katniss talking about victors’ kids being reaped, and it happening too often to be mere coincidences. All that being said, I didn’t imagine Beetee being this much older than Haymitch’s generation. He is basically a grandpa to Katniss and Peeta.

* And we immediately get the confirmation that Ampert’s reaping and Beetee being his mentor is completely deliberate. I am surprised Beetee is talking so candidly to Haymitch, though. Maybe he feels like he has nothing to lose. And I suppose Snow doesn’t mind people knowing all this so that they would be afraid to act out? I don’t know, it sort of feels to me like we are occassionally on a Y/N adventure reading this book, where characters we already know come up and give exposition because we as the reader must know it, not because they would realistically tell Haymitch these things, at least at the point. It’s possible I’m being too critical.

* I’m a very nitpicky person so I am not completely comfortable with how it’s executed, but I do like Haymitch thinking about ways to outsmart the arena. It won’t come wholly out of nowhere when he uses the force field to win the Games.

* Ampert wanting Maysilee to be his sister and Maysilee agreeing is so sweet. Sorry to everyone else, Maysilee’s my favourite so far. She reminds me of Peeta, Katniss and Johanna but there’s also something that feels uniquely her own.

* These kids forming alliances and friendships among themselves which cannot last is so bleak. But maybe it’s not just about lasting. Maybe it’s still okay to get attached even though only one will survive. It’s about having the good moments while you are still capable of having them, being human together as long as you can.

* Oh, Maysilee. Trying to put just a little bit of beauty into the world. She’s artistic like Peeta, which I love. I adore Katniss and feel for her tremendously (she gave me a headache as a teenager but as an adult, I can say that is MY GIRL), but I make no secret of the fact that Peeta’s my favourite character in the main trilogy and as I have said before, Maysilee is so far my favourite in this book.

* Well, let’s see what kind of depraved punishment Snow has in store for Haymitch, but I will say this: Snow is the bloody president and he at this point should not feel the need to get personal with every individual who does something rebellious on a big stage. He should have enough resources and enough likeminded lackeys to get them in line. Even with his history as a gamemaker, these things feel forced. So far, this book has been far too contrived for my liking, an issue that has carried over from TBSOAS.

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

OKAY im back with this

We're on chapter 54 and because its so infamous as the big turning point of feysands relationship (I think she accepts the mating point in this one?) as well as the source for a lot of stinky rhysand-apologia, I wanted to do something a little bit special. And Ive decided that I will be reading this chapter in both german and english and do a bit of a direct prose comparison, because Ive read a little bit of this book in english (that little summer court arc, real moonlight-and-ireheads will remember) and I just felt like it was infinitely more unpleasant to read compared to rest of this book and also the previous one which I read in german. I suspect that the translation essentially acts as an additional round of editing which smooths out some of the most glaring flaws, because usually when youre translating something and its kinda wonky you have this impulse to adjust it as much as you can to make it sound better. This is something I can attest to as someone who likes to translate shit in my free time, I often have to beat that impulse down, especially with my most recent big translation project which is a very long fanfic that starts out pretty bad and wonky but gets a lot better later where I want to preserver that sense of the author improving, but I imagine that someone who translates commercial books professionally would not want to preserve any of the badness or the wonkyness, so.

Ive had to think about how exactly Im gonna do this for a while because its not like I can comfortably read both versions of this chapter simultaneously, and Ive eventually settled on, Im just gonna read and liveblog the german one as usual and then Im gonna read the english one and note down some thoughts that I have about it at the very end

Anyway, I would like to end this with a little shoutout to Alexandra Ernst who has made a lot of choices I enjoy regarding things like the fantasy terms and pronoun-usuage, and now lets get into it

Rhysand being all pathetic with his flushed cheeks, messed up hair, half-frozen in the cold is honestly so good, I would love this guy so much if Feyre just kept mistreating him and if he just kept being this submissive little guy but alas. he was written by a straight woman. A boring straight woman no less, can you imagine if acotar was written by a fujoshi?

Feyre is saying that Rhysand would 100% fly back into the cold if she just said the word (again, her domming him would go hard), but Im pretty sure he literally came to this little cottage that was supposed to be her safeplace to rest from the whole mates-revelation for no good reason and without her giving any hint to Mor that she wanted to see him (and me skimming the last paragraph of the last chapter seems to confirm this) so. idk. Its trying to tell me that Rhysand is soooooooo respectful but I simply cannot believe it

I think I always say this whenever the term 'mate' is used but I am so unbelievably glad that my gal Alexandra translates it as 'Gefährte/Gefährtin', because the thing that I find so viscerally unpleasant about it is that it makes me think of animals, especially when you combine it with the way SJM uses the words 'male' and 'female' instead of 'man' and 'woman', like Ive literally never heard anyone use that term outside of when theyre talking about animals fucking and thats not romantic or in any way pleasant to me. I mean, I guess its technically short for 'soulmate' in this series but i KNOW sjm doesnt actually use that word!! not consistantly atleast!! By contrast, Gefährte is very much a term you use for a human, for a person, and although it can be used to refer to animals (usually dogs in my experience) it doesnt immediately call to mind emotionless hormone-fueled animal fucking. The most literal way I think I can translate it is as 'companion' which i find very nice, but obviously theres also terms like Seelengefährte (soulmate) and Lebensgefährte (life-partner) that it can be a shortform for. I also vastly prefer the way Gefährte rolls off the tongue; mate is such a harsh word with that obnoxious a and harsh t-sound, I feel like it would take me out of it to encounter it in a gentle sex scene, whereas Gefährte/Gefährtin starts out with a smooth Ge-, then we get that soft and long fäh which ends in t-sound that gives it a nice bite and a certain weight, and both the -e and -in round it out very well

yknow, having to write down both the male an female version talking about the german translation of mate made me think, god sjm would love the german language because of how ridgidly gendered it is lmao

goddddddd feyres reasons for not painting rhysands eyes on the wall are KILLING ME with how stupid they are

Okay, so Mor literally refused to tell Rhysand where Feyre was (because again, she promised her that she would be given space at this time) but Rhys found out and immediately flew over to her even though, again, Im fairly certain that Feyre has not made an indication that she wanted to see him. but yeah sure, he respects her boundaries and would totally leave without arguing if she wanted him to

Rhysand is telling her about getting captured by Amarantha's forces and tortured by them 'massacreing' his wings, but like. couldnt he have just pulled him into that pocket dimension that he normally keeps his wings in? Now that I think about it, hes talking about how faebane can take away "even his" powers (lmao), how come his wings didnt just retract on their own? Maybe its a thing where taking away his powers with faebane just locks him into whatever form hes currently in, so if hes wingless he cant summon them and if hes winged he cant put them back, but idk.

"[...] they were too stupid; they didn't recognize that I was Illyrian. They only needed to threaten cutting my wings off and I would have told them everything. But fortunately they didn't." Im pretty sure Ive talked about this during the chapter where Rhysand got kidnapped by the hybern-soldiers, but I find it insane that these guys dont even seem to think about cutting this guys wings off, because for me personally, if I was some manner of fantasy soldier and I had captured a guy with wings that the first thing I would think of. And these soldiers were under the command of one of the most sadistic bitches in the land? tch. they should be taking lessons from ME

are you telling me that Rhysand had been planning to personally kill Amarantha since he was somewhere between the ages of 17 and 38. and he couldnt do it. the most powerful highlordling to have ever highlorded in the history of prythian with nearly 500 years of preptime. and he couldnt do it. and then when feyre showed up the best plan he had was 'i'll make her give me drunk lapdances to hopefully make her boyfriend angry enough so that HE kills her'. Honestly, if it turned out that Rhysand was just an evil liar who was manipulating Feyre the whole time that would make him look better in my eyes than if hes telling the truth here, because if hes telling the truth that implies that hes the stupidest man in the world

Im definitely not the first person to point this out, but its hilarious how Rhysand is like "we freed our slaves long before the treaty was made because we couldnt trust them, their lives were so short and they reproduced so quickly that we couldnt possibly control* all of their minds" and thats supposed to be taken as like, a sign of him being progressive or whatever. Like first of all, that wasnt even his call to make, that wouldve been his father or another ancestor, and second of all, okay, so you wouldve kept your slaves if only you couldve enslaved them even more thoroughly? (*the german version literally does use the word enslave here btw, I wonder if the english one uses it as well)

Rhysand is like "I wanted to kill Amarantha SO BAD I was willing to risk a war over it, so I pretended to want to be her ally and then I went to the party she threw to celebrate the peace and then when she was drunk I was gonna get into her mind and make her confess all of her lies and her crimes and THEN turn her brain into liquid" and its like DUDE, why are you wasting so much fucking time?! Literally just go up to her, first chance you get, snap your fingers, you dont even have to touch her, dissolve her into a fine mist and badabing badaboom, thats your revenge on her taken, but nooooOoOOOooooOOooO it just HAD to be this big public thing, so she was able to curse all of Prythian for 50 years just because this one petty bitch wanted his revenge kill to be extra extra

Rhysand tying Velaris' protection spell to the rest of the inner circle is so fucked up because like, I dont remember Amarantha mentioning there being any precautions in place to prevent others from just killing her, like if she died the curse would just go on forever but if she lived they had this very slim window of time and opportunity to maybe break it or something, but to my knowledge thats not the case so like. surely one of the super powerful members of his inner circle couldve come in and killed her any just broken the curse immediately but he actively prevented them from doing that. I literally cannot believe that there a people who blame Tamlin for getting Prythian cursed, and to be fair, Im not saying that its Rhysands fault either because Amarantha was just an insane woman, but I would argue that he had ample opportunity to prevent all of this and he actively did not, which is what we in the biz call not very good

The fact that its clarfied that he used his last little kernel of power to satisfy Amarantha when she was assaulting him is so funny to me. like, yeah this the endgame love interest, the sexiest guy on the planet whos the best sexhaver in existence. can he seduce a woman and give her a good orgasm? absolutely not, he needs his mind control powers for that

He forgot what his friends looked like after not seeing them for ten years? Yikes, thats not good for a guy who could theorethically live for thousands of years

Is it ever explained why he had visions of Feyre before they met? I assume its some kind of mate-thing given that future-seeing isnt really part of his usual powerset, but even then Im like, was she already his mate when she was still human? Because as I understand it, mating bonds are kindof a fae-only thing, like Nesta and Elains literally only snapped when they got turned, unless all of this was predeterminded by the mother or the cauldron of whomever, which has bonkers implications for free will in this universe but what else is new

Theres something awfully ironic about Rhysand finding comfort in visions of some of the worst years of Feyres life

Okay, I have to admit, I do enjoy this recontextualisation of Rhysand's 'There you are, Ive been looking everywhere for you, thanks for finding her'-lines from the Calanmai scene in the first book. Do I think it was planned like this? Not a a chance, but it does work

"I decided that I could never see you again. I could never speak to you again, no, not even think about you." smashcut to a couple months later and hes pulling her onto his lap halfnaked

Rhysands lines about him having convince himself that the Cauldron isnt cruel makes me wonder about his relationship to religion, but I know thats never gonna get explored

My question is, if he wanted to scare Tamlin during that one scene where he made him bow, why did he take control of Feyre? Why was he like "yeah, the best way to fuck with my enemy is to make the woman he loves suffer, even though I also love her" that was not necessary my guy

So he took Clares pain away while she was tortured but he also told her when to scream so Amarantha wouldnt notice, and I seriously wonder why she did that because if I was in her place, I would be like "okay, Im dying anyway, might as well rat out the bastard that got me into this mess" because he mustve surely explained himself to her right? Granted, I guess if he only said that he could take away her pain but couldnt help her in any other way without telling her the exact reason why she was even kidnapped, then I understand why would just do what he told her without question in that moment

Its funny how Rhysand feels so torn up about Clare when I do not remember Feyre even mentioning her (although granted its been an eternity since I started with this)

god im gonna die laughing reading about Rhysand being like "and thats when I decided that I would fight dirty and use every advantage I possibly had in order to help you" again, him being an evil liar would be the best look for him in this situation

at this point i could just keep repeating "but you didnt have to do that thoughhhhhhh". you didnt have to force Feyre to dance for you, it did literally nothing for her and if wanted to throw off Amaramtha's suspicions while also taking some revenge on Tamlin and riling him up, you couldve just gone up to Amarantha and been like "hey, dyou mind if I keep her as a sexslave while shes not doing her trials?" while Tamlin was in earshot and when she agreed you couldve literally just let her rest and recover in bed which wouldve helped her WAY more. And if you wanted to erase her memories of this horrible time, you couldve just used your mind-erasing powers for that, no drugs required

Hes angry that Tamlin used the one free moment he had Feyre to touch her up instead of freeing her???? my brother in christ youve been torturing her for weeks. Also, many people have already pointed out that Feyre was the one who initiated that encounter in the first book but whatever, even if you went along with the retcons I cannot fathom how Tamlin would come out of this looking worse than Rhysand to anyone. Like, does this make him sound bad? Yeah, absolutely. Worse than Rhysand? Have you lost your mind

yknow that post thats like "some of you will look at a male character and go 'woah he has soooooooo much trauma' and the trauma is watching women die"? thats what Im thinking about when I read this joker recount how upset Feyre dying him

Ive seen a lot of people theorize about Rhysand deliberately faking mating bonds, usually the nessian one but I think Ive seen theories about the feysand bond as well, but this description of him pulling on this thread between him and Feyre and putting all of his power and all of his magic into it so that she wouldnt die when Amarantha broke her neck makes me think "what if in this moment hes just unconsciously created this matingbond-esque connection between them out of sheer desperation and he has an actual mate out there somewhere, and after living happily with Feyre for a while they suddenly come into his life and turn everything upside down. ohhhhh if any of you wanna write that fanfic please send it to me

oh god, i just had the most fucked up idea. Okay so, imagine the thing I just described with Rhysand accidentally creating this fake mating bond, but then it turns out that his divinely ordained soulmate was always going to be Feyres child (maybe thats why he had visions of her idk) and who the father of that child was didnt matter at all, so when they have Nyx it turns out hes his actual mate. god i dont know why that idea is so funny to me. get a load of this guy. matingbonded too close to the sun

I feel like Rhysand keeps being like "i had to keep myself under control and do these things because if I had done this thing that I actually wanted to do you wouldve surely hated me forever" when these things that he actually did are more than enough reason to hate him forever as well, and yet here Feyre is, not hating him

yknow, maybe Rhysand is a good person because he keeps being like "I wanted to kill Tamlin so badly, he was my worst enemy now that Amarantha was finally dead" and I just keep being like, dude, if I had the power to dissolve people without even touching them I would do it constantly, my impulsive ass could not be trusted with the ability to kill without consequences

The way Rhysand handled the whole mating bond thing is so fucking stupid because its like, just telling her about the mating bond is not gonna automatically force her to accept it, you couldve just told her about it and explained what it entailed and if she asked you something like "wait, if we're soulmates does that mean you love me or Im supposed to love you or we're destined to fall in love one day?" you couldve just lied and been like "no haha im not in love with you, the mating bond is basically just this psychic bond that some fae have with each other, it works similarly to our bargain-bond but it happens naturally without anyones input, its considered super sacred among fae but we dont really know why it happens, and it doesnt actually affect your emotions". Like, I want to be very clear here, I dont fundamentally have a problem with Rhysand telling her these benevolent lies to preserve her agency and emotional well-being, my problem is that hes so bad at this that his lies cease to be benevolent

Okay, we did get some of Feyres physical reactions and thoughts during Rhysand's big monologue, but didnt feel like there was really any buildup to her accepting the mating bond like that. Idk, maybe it wouldve hit harder if there wasnt a year between me reading the previous chapter and me reading this one and I could remember their relationship development more clearly but somehow I doubt it

Also, maybe its just the joyless bitter aromantic in me but I find those lines about 'love' not being a sufficient word to describe their feelings for each other so corny. i think thats a perfectly good word to describe you guyses stupid feelings for each other, actually

OKAY thats it, now lets get into some translation thoughts:

I find it interesting that instances of the word 'mate' get translated as both just 'Gefährte' and 'Seelengefährte', specifically theres this bit in the english version, "Mate. [line break] My—mate." which is "My mate. [line break] My... soulmate." in german. I like that a lot more than the english version because it does a better job clarifying the specialness of this term and what it even means. Because like, I dont know or remember how Rhysand (or the Suriel?) explained the mates-stuff to Feyre and whether or not they used to term 'soulmates', but if they didnt, I would honestly find it very hard to believe that Feyre would really understand it right away because the term 'mate' is just so vague and unintuitive. And like, so is the term 'Gefährte', if anything its even more vague because it has a broader definition, hence why I appreciate this little clarifying touch. As for the specialness of the term, SJM usually just relies capitalizing the first letter of normal words to communicate that they are Meaningful (although she doesnt do it for mate in this chapter which is interesting) but in german every noun is capitalized, so that trick doesnt really work and the translator either has to do stuff like this or rely on italics a bit more. Also I think the german lines flow much better from the previous sentence, SJM's writing style is very choppy in comparison

Its kinda funny how Alexandra Ernst just kinda got rid of a lot of the special punctuation-stuff. Like in the third sentence of the chapter where Feyre is describing how pathetic Rhys looks, shes like "and he honestly looked freezing as he stood there" but the german version doesnt have those italics, and further down the page theres this paragraph where shes like "This beautiful, strong, selfless male etc etc" that has three ellipses, none of which are included in the german version. Its like shes telling Sarah "girl, this is melodramatic to the point of farce, you gotta tone it down" and shes RIGHT

Speaking of the "and he honestly looked freezing"-line, in german that line is "und er sah halb erfroren aus" ["and he looked half-frozen"] and I think its SO much better its crazy. Firstly, I think the 'honestly' in the original line is inappropriately modern and casual which clashes with the otherwise very dramatic tone of this scene so removing does wonders for making it fit better with the rest of the paragraph. Secondly, the term 'erfroren' has a very strong connotation to being dead, to the point that it would probably be most accurate to translate it as 'frozen to death', but the reason I didnt do that is that, while the connotation is strong, its also very subtle when you read it in this sentence. It communicates a certain severity without feeling like its doing too much; this is what I would consider to be effective melodrama, where the original sentence just feels like a clumsy attempt at making Rhysand seem so sympathetic to the audience (the 'honestly' contributes to that as well)

In the next paragraph where Feyres talking about how he would leave her alone and fly into the night if she told him, the night is described as crisp in the english version while its described as cold in the german version. The word 'crisp' is too kind of a word to describe the low evening mountain temperatures in this scene which is supposed to carry a certain severity to it

The line "I could have sworn I felt a pulse of knee-wobbling relief through the bond." is "I could have sworn I felt a tremor through our connection, something like an abyssal relief." in german. I dont think I need to explain why the german one is better here, using 'knee-wobbling' as an adjective so fucking goofy

"gobbling down the bright colors" to refer to Rhysand really taking in all the stuff Feyre painted is also goofy as fuck, in the german version its "he practically drank the strong colors" which is much easier to take seriously, even though it did conjure up an image of Rhysand drinking paint from a full bucket as I read it

That line where Rhysand is talking about how someones gonna draw a mustache under the eye of one of the other inner circle members is already bad enough, but then he phrases it like "whoever pisses them off that day" and it just completely takes me out of this moment. Like, I do understand that this is supposed to be comic relief but this is just too much, in the german version he says "whoever gets on their nerves" and its fits much better. It also makes Rhysand seem a bit more mature which makes me personally like him just a little bit more. And like, Im not fundamentally opposed to cursing, Ive youve read literally anything of mine then you know that, but it just feels off to have this ruler of a nation express himself in the same way that a wannabe-edgy teenager would

After Rhysand asks Feyre why she hasnt painted his eyes onto the wall, she gets this internal line: "No more games, no more banter." In german its "No tricks. No evasions." which I just think are much more interesting words to use here. I will say, I dont like the choice to have a period seperating them instead of a comma, it comes across as choppy. Also, while the lack of the word 'more' is kind of awkward when translated into english, it works well enough in german imo

When Feyre explains that she was afraid she would just stare at them all day she has the line, "And it seemed like a pathetic way to spend my time." In german that line is "And that would have been a real waste of time." I dont like Feyre being so self-depricating, it feels out-of-character, although I realize now that that might just be because Alexandra Ernst decided erase or downplay previous lines where she was self-depricating. The german line also reads more like a joke, although Im not sure if thats the intent of the original one considering she just resolved to be sincere with him

Idk, just compare this exchange in english, '"You're—better?" [line break] "Healed completely. Quickly, considering the bloodbane. Thanks to you."' to the german version, '"Are you healed again?" [line break] "Completely. And quicker than expected, considering the bloodshadow*. Thanks to you." ' Its quite subtle, and I know it doesnt sound the best when I translate it directly from german, but Feyre and Rhysand actually sound like theyre adult having a kind of stiff conversation (which is what they are) instead of sounding like monosyllabic awkward teenagers

*'bloodbane' was translated as 'Blutschatten' which literally means bloodshadow, which is highly appealing to my inner egdy teen, although I do mourn the loss of the alliteration

In the original Feyre has this line where she just kinda trails off, "But whatever it was, the act of offering him food..." whereas in the german version its actually a complete thought: "For whatever reason the act of offering to put something to eat in front of him was so extraordinary." Now, I also like to have my characters trail off, even in their internal monologue, and the way SJM does it is perfectly fine here, but I just prefer Feyre being more articulate and even flippant, I think thats stronger characterisation. Dare I say, its more feminist characterisation

Rhysand says "It's an... important moment." in english but in german he says "It... it has a great significance." with a little stutter, which I find much more endearing

Him talking about how the fae were beasts long ago just kills me when its in english and using the terms male and female casually (he uses man and woman in german) like My Brother In The Mother, if youre not beasts anymore why are you using those words to describe your sapient selves?

Also can I just say that his explanation of this tradition sounds SO much better and more natural in german? Like, "That comes from the time when we still weren't who we are today, but... more like animals. But it's still important. At least the first time." vs "It goes back to whatever beasts we were a long, long time ago. But it still matters. The first time matters." Translation-clunkiness notwithstanding, the first one sounds more like a guy just speaking off-the-cuff, explaining this cultural (and maybe biological?) thing that he never really had to explain before to someone from a completely diffrent world, where the second one sounds like he already had this whole spiel prepared and was just waiting for an opportunity to say it

I would like to note that when Rhysand starts talking about Amarantha's guys trying to break him (less than three pages into the chapter in my physical german copy), we get our first set of em-dashes of the chapter in the german version. In the english version those are em-dashes Nr 7 and 8.

Ive talked about the fact that I find it interesting that the Illyrian forces (and the batboys) are referred to as 'Wwarriors' and never as soldiers before, and I find it even more interesting that they are referred to as soldiers (Soldaten) in the german version, even though we do have a word that has the same connotations as warrior (and which is even formed the same way, with the first syllable literally just being/meaning 'war') which is Krieger

This is something that Ive noticed a looooooong while ago, but I dont think Ive ever talked about it so I might as well do it now; Alexandra Ernst has chosen to translate 'Illyrian' as 'Illyrianer'. Now, unlike -an or -ian in english, -aner is not a vers common ending for these kind of descriptive nationality-words in german, pretty much the only I could think of with that ending at first was 'Indianer', although i did eventually remember Amerikaner as well. 'Indianer' is a german term for native americans, its functionally the same as 'indian' in the sense that its pretty outdated and most progressives try to encourage people not to use it (which doesnt work great bc we obviously dont have a lot native american-advocacy stuff here, and we have this whole history of appropriating native american culture and stuff like red-face is still very normalised unfortunately), although it is distinct from the word we have for people from India (which is Inder). So whenever I read the word 'Illyrianer' I always have to think of indigenous people because it has the same ending as a common word them and it also starts with an I, and I find that very interesting but in a discomforting way (mostly because SJM writes the illyrians in a really racist way)

Okay, I accidentally pressed a wrong button while writing this and deleted like 6 very detailed bulletpoints and I dont wanna figure out a way rewrite them so youre just gonna get a highly condensed version of everything I thought was really important

Rhysand consistantly uses phrasing which makes him seem extremely selfish in his desire for revenge for Amarantha and the way he went about it in the original, which is significantly toned down in the german translation (although his actions are obviously unaltered so its not like the german version makes him seem that much better)

There was a part in the german version where Rhysand essentially implied that he made peace with his life and wanted to do some kind of kamikaze-murder-suicide-thing with Amarantha and then wait for his friends in the afterlife while he was captured by her during the War, when what he said in the original was that he wanted to kill Amarantha, come out of the other side of all of this and then reunite with his friends, I think Alexandra Ernst just misunderstood this a lot

Feyre consistantly comes across as more articulate in the german version because she doesnt internally trail off and actually has completed thoughts

The german version consistantly describes things with a lot more specificity which I enjoy

This doesnt have anything to do with the prose, I just noticed this on re-read, its so fucked up that Rhysand was like "I know that Amarantha is up to no good and that this party shes throwing is probably gonna be dangerous and also Im gonna kill her really brutally, so I dont want my friends to be here but yeah sure, I'll take the entire CoN with me, who cares if those guys get injured or traumatized lmao"

I wanted to compare this line from the original, "His eyes lifted to mine. Haunted, bleak." to this one from the german version, "His gaze was tormented and bleak.", not because I necessarily think one is better than the other, but because I feel that they demonstrate the difference in writing approaches between the versions really well. The original is dramatic, it feels like its trying to be as hard-hitting as humanly possible all on its own, whereas the translation is more matter-of-fact and relying on the context of the story (as well as the formatting) to deliver its impact. And I think this is a good way of summing up the fundamental diffrences between these two versions and explaining why they make for different reading experiences; the translation has the lines build upon oneanother and prioritizes coherence leading to a smoother reading experience, while the original prioritizes individual lines having a strong impact and being dramatic which makes it feel choppy

I also want to note that the german version makes Feyre seem more attentive (atleast to me) by simply having her describe the look in his eyes as though shes been watching for stuff like that, while the english version makes it seem like she only noticed because Rhysand was actively seeking eyecontact with her

This is another english line that includes a curse word and that I dont like because it makes Rhysand sound really immature: "I knew it wasn't about fucking me so much as it was about gtting revenge at my father's ghost." In german that line is, "It wasn't so much about the sex, but about taking revenge on my father's ghost." Another thing that I like about it is that the removal of the 'I knew' at the start makes him seem a bit more confident (which is a little ironic)

I also want to note that Rhysand uses the word 'revenge' when talking about Amarantha assaulting her, but uses the word 'vengence' earlier when talking about Amarantha killing half the CoN to avenge Tamlin's father. Im pretty sure the difference between vengence and revenge is that vengence has more rightous and just connotations while revenge is typically ascribed a more negative meaning, but this is something that I was really unsure of for a long time because theres only word for both of these concepts in german (Rache), so theres linguistically no distinction between avenging someone in a 'just' way and avenging someone in a 'bad' way. I mean, if you wanted to put more emphasis on the justice of the act you could more-or-less just use Gerechtigkeit (which is literally 'justice') as a synonym, but that doesnt have the same sublety. This doesnt have very much to do with anything here, this is just a language-difference that I find really intersting, stuff like this is why I love translating so much

Also, again this doesnt have anything to do with the prose really, but what kinda relationship did Tamlin's dad and Amarantha have? has anyone written a fanfic about that

Here's a line from Rhysand that bothers me because it gives off major misogynistic creep vibes: "But for fifty years—whenever I was inside her, I'd think about killing her. She had no idea. None. Because I was so good at my job that she thought I enjoyed it, too." Heres the german version which manages to be less bad (and less hilariously self-congratulatory) with a few minimal changes: "But for fifty years, every time I was with her, I thought about how I could kill her. She, however, thought I was enjoying it as much as she was, that's how well I played my role." Also I have never seen a more superfluous em-dash in my life. Also also, I think its funny that the english version uses the word 'job' here, it feels unfitting especially compared to 'role'. like what, was he clocking in for his eight hour shift at the sexual assault factory every day?

Again, this isnt prose-related, but why is it that Rhysand started having visions of Feyre three years ago? Did anything special happen when she was 17? I feel like it wouldve made way more sense for him to start having visions of her when she was born, but I guess that wouldve been a little too creepy for SJM. But its like, yeah, large supernatural agegaps are creepy, but thats like half their appeal, I never really get it when people are like "i think its fine for that 40-500 year old guy to date that 20 year old, but only as long as they didnt know the 20 year old when theyre were still a child" because like, the agegap is still there and it is what it is, all youre doing is just refusing to fully acknowledge the reality of it, but whatever. Also, I just realized that Rhysand was stuck UTM getting traumatized every day for more than twice as long as Feyre is alive, god help her

Theres a couple of paragraphs of Rhysand just telling Feyre about the visions about how he sought her out on Calanmai, and Im not gonna nitpick those too much. Instead Im gonna tell you that there are 5 em-dashes in this section in the english version and none in the german one

Heres a line that I actually prefer in the english version: "We were so close to the deadline for the curse that she was paranoid—restless." The german version just uses less interesting words here imo "The fourty-nine years were nearly over and she was terribly afraid that he would still manage a miracle."

When he's talking about finding Feyre while being harassed by some guys he just calls those guys 'shit-guys' (Scheißkerle) in german, but in english he specifies that they were 'piece-of-shit picts' and something about that is just so funny to me. I think its because its one of many subtle changes that seem to have been in an attempt to make Rhysand as palatable as possible within the constraints of the existing writing, so I have this mental image of Alexandra Ernst going through this book like "god, hes selfish, annoying as fuck and now hes lowkey racist too, i gotta smooth this shit out as much as possible"

This part is exactly the same in both versions, I just wanted to say that him calling Feyre 'a reward for all that he endured' rubs me the wrong way

Again, not a prose-thing, but Rhysand being like "Don't think that being out there on Calanmai didnt cost me" is so annoying knowing the context because he literally successfully lied to Amarantha so she didnt think she had a reason to punish him, so all that it cost him were the lives and minds of these random picts, except hes glad that they got tortured and died because they were planning on raping his mate, so it cost him fuck all basically

Heres an extremely slight change that I find interesting: in english the line is "Amarantha sent me that day after the Summer Solstice because I'd been so successful on Calanmai." and its functionally identical in german except that theres a '...' between 'so' and 'successful' which makes him seem a bit more remorseful, even though the narrative does obviously still clarify that he doesnt really have to be because those guys he got killed sucked

In the german version Rhysand says "In the home of my worst enemy. After Amarantha, of course." which I think sounds better and more natural than him calling Tamlin his 'second-most enemy'.

The original line is "I made Tamlin beg—as Amarantha had made me beg, to show him how powerless he was to save you." but in the german version its "I brought Tamlin to his knees, just as Amaramtha had made me beg for the lives of m men, to show him that he did not have the power to save you." which is less pathetic and transparently manipulative, although it is a pretty clunky sentence overall

Theres a whole small section after that where Rhysand explains why he asked for Feyres name and how he had to vomit immediately afterwards which is just straightup missing from the german version, like it hasnt been reworded or anything theres just not a trace of any of it, which was honestly a pretty good call because this is just yet another point where Rhysand being malicious would be preferable to him actually being this fucking stupid

We get another two lines that are very similar to the ones I used as an example to talk about the differences between the versions. Heres the english one: "Two tears slid down his cheeks, swift and cold." And heres the german one: "Two tears ran down his cheeks." I really wonder if these are just personal choices from Alexandra Ernst or if there are like, greater cultural differences motivating stuff like that

Ohhhhh I somehow missed that line where he says he thinks he got those visions of Feyre from the cauldron to tell him that she would be the one to save, but like, is that actually confirmed or is that just hearsay? And again, why would they come three years before Feyre got to Prythian, he shouldve either had visions of her since she was born or they shouldve started one year before she got to Prythian or something

Heres the line where Rhysand badmouths Tamlin for making out Feyre that one time in english: "I was jealous of him, and pissed off that he'd used that one shot of being unnoticed not to get you out, but to be with you..." And here it is in german: "I was jealous of him, and angry, because he didn't use that one moment to free you, but to feel you up..." First of all, I obviously like that hes not cursing, second of all, (idk if you can tell from the way I translated it) but I like that the way he phrases that makes freeing Feyre and feeling Feyre up seem like theyre some kind of divine dichotomy, its very funny, and third of all, I like how petty and accusatory this is. I feel like so far Alexandra Ernst has mostly removed his personality from the text, which Im generally in favor of because his personality sucks ass, but it is nice to have some personality injected back in, so to speak

After that Rhysand describes how he felt when Amarantha started torturing Feyre but before she snapped her neck and we get this in the original, "I couldn't stop thinking it over and over as you screamed, as I tried to kill her: you were my mate, my mate, my mate." which turned into this, "When I lunged at her, I only had this one thought: that you were my mate. My mate. My soulmate." I think thats a good way to transform that repetition into something a little less redundant (and a little less goofy too), and I like the line leading up to it in german as well because it has much more weight for being less over-the-top. Thats really the lesson of this whole section, less is more

Over on the next page Rhysand talks about their final meeting at the end of ACOTAR from his perspective, and he says this in the original, "And for once, you looked at me like... like I was worth something." but in german he says, "And for once you looked at me like there was... something good in me." which I think is way more fitting for his character because he has that whole mask-thing going on and hes supposed to really struggle with the morality of his actions, so i think his mate seeing some good in him would be way more meaningful than her thinking hes 'worth' something. Its not like hes struggling with his self-esteem in that way, yknow?

OKAY thats it. If you need some kind of lesson to come away with here, let it be this: translators are locked the fuck in, and Alexandra Ernst in particular is incredibly skilled for being able to transform prose that is so awkward and uncomfortable to read into something that flows quite well

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this because I spent most of the day writing this (I managed that without procrastinating somehow) and now Im gonna reward myself with beyblade burst ^^

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Chapter 1 - Apocalypse Arisen

Everything was dark.

It was an abyss, as any mortal would dare name it.

Outside, only death, waste and fog...Nothing alive to be spotted, no matter how much you wished to cling on the little ray of hope that humanity seemed to so dumbly hope to believe it existed.

Even he, the Anti-Christ, had to dorn a protective outfit against the  Carbon Dioxide that completely eradicated any gram of Oxygen left by the now ashes of the former trees.

Trees...They were green. And the sky, now grey and cloudy, used to be blue. A beautiful brilliant blue, just like his eyes, he remembered a comparison once, a long time ago - So long that it felt like aeons.

Going from one Outpost to another, much less fit for someone like him, was a true hassle, not to mention the horses had to be automatically put down. He was sure that, should she have been there, she would have been upset seeing them kill the poor, innocent animals so cruelly.

But it had to be done, to avert a more painful demise.

Surely, she would understand.

Outpost 3, ran by this so called Ms. Venable, an ugly, old wretch with severe scoliosis who finds herself superior to all the ones living in this place, as if she wasn't just as fortune, or perhaps, less so thank others might think, to be one of the survivors.

And so, he had to prepare yet another speech for these lowly mortals who cannot comprehend the true miracle of life and death.

The atmosphere was silent, fitting that of a funeral - Whose, he wasn't sure yet, but only time will decide - and only his shoes were heard, with each step her so gracefully took. All eyes were on him, of those curious mortals sitting on the couches, or farther away from him. Only the leader was waiting above them all, the big fireplace burning behind her, almost symbolising the supreme power she held.

Or so she thought and wished other to see.

He approached her, getting uncomfortably close to her, staring at her in the eyes, intimidating her, until she finally let her hair down, submissively, and left the scene only for him.

"My name is Langdon, and I represent The Cooperative. I won't sugarcoat the situation. Humanity is on the brink of failure. My arrival here was crucial to the survival of civilised life on Earth. The three other compounds...In Syracuse, New York ; Backley, West Virginia and San Angelo, Texas, have been overrun and destroyed. We've had no contact from the six international outposts, but we are assuming that they, too, have been eliminated." he spoke, letting a few seconds of silence, until one of those parasites dared speak. "What happened to the people inside?" he stupidly asked, as if the answer wasn't obvious enough. "Massacred." he answered, the ghost of a smirk on his face, watching their terrorised expressions. "The same fate that will befall almost all of you." he continued, enjoying how frail humanity can be whenever a lasso of hope was thrown towards them, despite being rotten. "Almost all?" the Grey with the most ridiculous hairstyle asked in a monotonous voice. "In the knowledge that this very moment might occur, we built a failsafe...The Sanctuary." he explained the reason for his arrival better, only to be rudely interrupted by a snobby wench, repeating the last words he just uttered. "The Sanctuary?" she asked, almost in disbelief. "The Sanctuary is unique. It has certain security measures that will prevent overrun." the man continued his speech, only to be interrupted once again. "Excuse me, sir, what measures? Why weren't we given them?" the older woman asked, only for him to raise his hand dismissively. "That's classified. All that matters is that The Sanctuary will...Survive. So the people populating it will survive...So humanity will survive." his voice become more cheerful, the undertones of despair-inducing clearly affecting everyone in the room. "Who are the people who are populating it?" one of the men asked, but the answer mimicked the previous one. "Also classified...However! I have been sent to determine if any of you are worthy and fit to join us. The Cooperative has developed a particular and rigorous questioning technique we like to call...Cooperating. I will then use the information gained to determine if you belong." he explained with a small, patronising smirk. "What is this, The Hunger Games? This is bullshit! I paid my way in here, and that is the only cooperating I plan on doing." the same snobby wench dared raise his voice at him, only for one, much softer, to intervene. "Please, miss, refrain from raising your voice to a person of authority." the feminine voice belonged to a woman, seemingly shy, garbed in the ugliest grey clothes, her hair under a rag, just like old women used to, centuries ago. "And who do you think you are, speaking to me like that, slave?! You are nothing more than an ant! A Grey! You weren't even special enough to be a Purple, like me! I have ALL the right to speak to anyone the way I want to!" she barely stopped herself from shooting to her feet, as if electrified, which made the poor girl shrink into her already large clothes, as if trying to completely disappear from there.

There was something that set here apart, however, and he wasn't sure what it was...Could it be her voice? Small, soft and afraid, like that of a little mouse, running away from the lion? Or was it the respect and politeness that she somehow managed to retain, despite all the chaos running amok?

Regardless of the answer, he must find out more about here and determine whether or not his intrigues were misplaced. "You don't have to sit for questioning." the man shook his head, taunting her with his calm answer. "What happens if we choose not to?" the same man asked, once again. "Then you stay here and die." the answer was, as expected, much harsher and pressed, enough to leave an impact on all of them. "I volunteer to go first." the platinum haired man raised his hand, after a brief silence that everyone took to process everything. "And so you shall. The process should only take me a couple of days, so you won't be kept in suspense forever. For those of you who don't make the cut, all is not lost. If the worst should happen and feral cannibals come knocking, down one of these." the mysterious man showed a transparent vial, his voice turning into a captivating one, almost as if he was a story-teller to the kindergarden kids. "One minute later, you fall asleep and never wake up...I look forward to meeting each and every one of you." were his last words, spoken with a feign smile, as he left the room, letting everyone bicker between who is going to live.

Unlike them, the mousy girl ran away, unnoticed by anyone, holing herself in her room, trying to calm herself down. She knew that she was an unworthy Grey and this man was not going to bring with him some useless lowlife such as her.

The man, Langdon, however, was much too busy interviewing the gay man, who so shamelessly showed his interest in him...How ridiculous of a foolish mortal like him to think he was going to get touched by the Anti-Christ himself? His skin will only ever be touched by an angel, and until he finds her, he will burn everything in his path...

As he already did, and will continue to do.

This previous little bitch, Venable, however, thought that she was in control of this Outpost, truly, that she could bend rules to her own will, only for her frail ego to be covered, as she thought she could act so patronisingly with him.  But his voice could be incredibly sympathetic, when talking about the mother with her two children he encountered, only for him to move to his study and ask for her opinion on who should populate the Sanctuary...And the then proceed in humiliating her.

She truly thought she could best him, but Langdon was smarter than any mortal alive. He knew everyone's weaknesses, and unzipping her dress, tracing the sinuous spine of hers, and watching her weep...Taunting her, mocking her...Going so close to her face, his breath on his...

Only to destroy the last ounce of hope she had by declining her.

Oh, was it satisfying.

Two interviews have already been done, and the gay got punished by the narcissistic woman filled with insecurities, using him as a martyr, until she realised he was enjoying every crack of the whip... She was weak. She didn't have a clue how to destroy people.

But he did.

Softly touching the man, circling him, denying everything the leather man did...

"I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last man on Earth...And you almost are! It's not because you're not physically attractive. It's your neediness. Your desperation to be seen and loved. The hole you need filled isn't in your face or your ass, it's in your heart. You're pathetic. I can see why your grandmother is disgusted by you." his voice was low, mocking, knowing each word exactly which heartstring to sever. "You don't know anything about my nana." the man tried to refute the only thing he knew he was true. "Why else would she report you? Make them do this to you. I'm sure she hoped they would put you out of your misery...And hers." Langdon let out an amused breathe, continuing his merciless pursue of destroying the man in shackles.. "That's bullshit." Rage. Disbelief. Shock. Confusion. He was very much broken before even coming here...And now, he's shattered. "She's the reason you're staring at a death sentence. She would do anything to increase her slim odds of getting out of here. You know she hates your guts." he continued circling him, staring him right into his eyes that held nothing but self-doubt. "You're a liar." was his last, weak attempt as saving his last bit of pride. "Am I? Perhaps you should go and talk to her about it yourself, then." Langdon smirked, letting the man free as he left the room.

The gay's grandmother reported her own grandson to give her an extra chance of survival...How pitiful and desperate humans are. And now, from rage, the silly boy killed his own grandmother with a pair of scissors. If the night wasn't eventful enough, two people has intercourse, and now had to be punished, same as the murderous one. And now, it was up to him pick up the broken pieces and put them back together. They dream of salvation, but commit nothing but sin. Truly, God will not help them, so why not extend their hands towards a more preferable deity, such as Satan?

Ave Satanas. Ave Satanas.

But no, they are afraid. Much too afraid. The unknown scares them almost as much as their own ugly souls do.

Pathetic, this humanity is.

He was done with nonesense, for now. Interviewing this pathetic bunch who would kill each other just for a few more seconds of aimless breathing and blinking. Just a few more heartbeats. Langdon, now, wanted something more. He wanted purity, and he wanted to taint it. To steal it. To devour it. He needed it.

That Grey mousy girl with the pathetically weak voice. That's what he needed. Urgently.

And so, she arrived in the room, with a soft knock on the door, patiently awaiting to be allowed inside, and then, slowly closing it behind her, making sure no sound comes out, most likely not wanting to bother anyone.

"Sit down." he ordered, in a commanding voice, not needing to intimidate her any further. "Thank you, sir." she didn't lift her gaze up, despite doing as she was told. "Why are you hiding your hair under that ugly rag?" he asked, intertwining his fingers together and leaning forwards on his desk. "Ms. Venable said my hair colour is a disgusting, genetical abnormality, so she gave me the choice. Either shave it, or hide it." she answered, her hands clasped together tightly between her knees, her shoulders slouched, trying to appear as little and insignificant as possible. "I see. I did notice Ms. Venable has a... Tendency to add ridiculous rules to the set already given by the cooperative, so enlist a certain sense of power that she never had when things were normal." he spoke, waiting for her to speak, only to hear nothing. "You are not agreeing, nor disagreeing. I wonder whether you think that is a smart choice or not. You are an obedient one, you chose to sit on my interview, yet you barely speak. This action may influence your chances of survival, are you aware of that?" he asked, his voice lower, whispered almost, as he desperately wanted to get a look at her eyes. "I-I know...But...I don't know what to say. I...Don't deserve the chance given by the Sanctuary. Coco was right...I'm just a Grey. An Ant. I'm not talented, nor a genius or anyone important or needed. Perhaps life would be a better place, should Purples continue to populate it." she stuttered her words, as her body became even stiffer, and her teeth were digging into her bottom lip to prevent it from quivering. "I never said it would influence in good or bad, however, you assume that I choose people based on their rank given here, and I will have to disagree. However, I cannot disclose the methods behind choosing the right candidates. What I can do, however, is to tell you that, from all the others who so pathetically tried to ruin each other's chances, you seem the only one to possess a certain light in your heart. A purity and innocence that I cannot understand...So tell me...Do you truly think Coco deserves to be picked for the Sanctuary?" he pressed on, once again, enjoying how uncomfortable she was. "I-I think everyone deserves a chance for a better future. It is not my place to give my opinion, since I'm not certified, nor qualified for this." the girl began trembling softly, like a leaf blown away by the wind, and it was entertaining the blond man more than he wished to admit - She was a challenge, and he was ready to crack her. "You play it safe. You don't want to bother anyone. You don't want to upset anyone. You're almost like a ghost. Invisible. Unnoticeable. Drifting away, leaving no impression to anyone...And yet, you are afraid. You are scared that nobody will remember you. That nobody likes you, and will never like you. You live in fear and anxiety, which is why you choose to be passive and accept those ridiculous rules given to you by that idiot." he raised up, slowly prowling towards her, like a cheetah carefully approaching its prey, then sat on the desk, right in front of her, to visualise her better.

"I'm...Not sure how to answer." she mumbled, gluing her back to the corner of the seat, trying to put space between the two. "Begin by taking off that rag." he spoke more casually this time, as if he was trying to gain her trust, just like you would approach a scared baby fawn looking for its mother. "O-Okay...If that is what you wish..." she spoke softly, as her fingers trembled, removing the rag and letting a gorgeous cascade of fire hair flow in waves past her shoulders and covering her flustered and frightened visage. "So Venable is afraid or red haired people, how very interesting. Now, look me in the eyes." he took a strand of her hair, twirling it around with his finger, his mind wandering away, for just a split second, remembering those nice, old times, when he would sit under the shade of a Wisteria tree and do the same thing with her. "I-I-I'm afraid I cannot do that. I'm sorry to disappoint you." she hung her head even lower, making the man frown and tilt his head to the side. "And why is that?" his voice became just a tint sharper, and yet, it wasn't unnoticeable "That's... Because I'm very shy... A-And I was never able to look anyone in the eyes. People always intimidated me." her voice was much more mellow, and shaking...She had tears forming in her eyes, without a doubt. "Look at me. I want to see your eyes." Langdon grasped her chin, brusquely tilting it upwards, forcing her to hold eye contact with him.

Her eyes, sparkling with tears, were green, just like the pine trees from the forest he used to go so often to. They were the same innocent eyes that held only kindness and love whenever they laid upon him. They were now, however, frightened, confused, filled with despair, just like he used to be, long ago. How the tables turn, Langdon thought, as his mouth was slightly agape from the shock of seeing so many emotions pooling from the girl's eyes.

"Tell me your name." he wanted to be stern, he truly did, but the thought that this woman might be her was killing him. "Katrina..." a soft whisper escaped her luscious pink lips that resembled the petals of the most delicate rose from her childhood flower garden that she loved so much. "So it is you... It really is you... Katrina... My Katrina... My Kat." he rapidly took away his hand from her face, as if electrocuted, mumbling to himself, not believing that finally, after so long, after so many searches...He found her again. His beloved angel. "S-Sorry, but... H-Have we met before...? You act as if you know me... I-I hope I didn't offend you..." she muttered, forcing herself to look at him with those lamb eyes of hers...That shattered his resolve completely. "You...You don't remember me? I'm Michael...Mickey, you used to call me. We were best friends when we were young...And then you left for a witch school, and you gave me this ring, telling me that you will find me again...But you couldn't, so I saved you from Hell. Twice, in fact. Can you...Truly not remember me...?" his voice, unlike before, was much more frail, with a fragility that it could almost break. "I...I don't think you have the right person...I'm so sorry. I'm...I'm not special. I didn't have any friends when I was little, and I went to a boring school in the neighbourhood. My father left us, and my mum was working hard, but was always mean to me. I don't even know how I got here, to be fair...And...I'm not Matilda...Or Hermione...A-Although I wish magic was real...But even so, I'm such a good for nothing Grey...Even if magic was real...I would most likely not have powers...But...Mr. Michael...I truly hope that you will find the one you are looking for." she so boldly took his hand in both of hers, caressing it soothingly, which, unknown to her, was a habit of hers from long ago, which made Michael, for the first time, cling on hope, just like any mere mortal. "And what if I prove to you that magic is real?" he asked, with a tint of playfulness, his usual taunting smile now turning much softer. "You can...?" she whispered ever so softly, her eyes opening wider with curiosity, her head held high, to search for the truth in the eyes that resembled to much the sky from those sunny days. "Put your hands together... Yes, just like this... And look. From your own hands, a little flower blooms... And it is beautiful, just like you." he spoke, holding his own hands under hers, looking at the black flower that grew from her hands, slowly blooming, then shifted his gaze to hers, searching for a reaction, with uncharacteristic excitement.

"H-How... ?! This... This is so beautiful...! How did you do that...? Are you... A Warlock? A sorcerer? A philosopher? Are you playing with illusions? Tricking my minds? Or... Is this truly... Magic...?" Katrina could barely speak as she witnessed the wonder in front of her - She was breathless. "You taught me this. When we first met, I was a little child, and I was crying in the forest. You found me, and gave me a flower. It was blue, just like my eyes, and you put it in my hair. I smiled, and you said I looked beautiful. Unfortunately, my magic cannot replicate entirely the purity of yours, however, it can do similar things, to some extent." he explained, taking the flower and carefully putting it in her hair, leaving her awestruck. "You truly believe that I am that person, don't you? There are billions of people out there that look just like me, and yet, you believe in me. Why?" she asked, and with a refined gentleness, he caressed her face, wiping away the tears that escaped her eyes. "I can sense people. Their hearts, their soul, their intentions, their minds, their fears, their weaknesses...Everything. And you...You are just like the one I used to know. Same hair, same eyes, same voice, same behaviour, same purity, same kindness, same light and same tendency to nurture others. I have met tons of people in my life, and you are the only one like that. It's a truly unique gift that, unfortunately, society seems to prey upon and wish to destroy. You have noticed that as well, haven't you? Why else a perfect human being such as yourself would be a Grey, when she should obviously be a ruling Queen over these lowly peasants? If you wished to, you could destroy them in the blink of an eye. You must just remember." he leaned down, planting a gentle kiss on her forehead, not daring to keep his eyes from her for even one second, afraid that she might disappear just like a smoke figure slipping from his fingers. "...Michael...?" she asked, very timidly, yet with hope and intrigue, for the first time since they started speaking. "What is it, my darling?" the man replied, brushing his hair against a strand of her hair. "Could you... Please... Help me remember...? Remember what happened... Remember who I am... Remember... You?" her request was so filled with innocence and wish to understand, to break the riddle of her life and mind, that he fell to his knees, grasping her hands and kissing them gingerly. "Anything you wish for, I will grant you. Just say the words, and it shall be done." he smiled widely, almost as if intoxicated by her presence alone. "I cannot let my guard down around these people, so I cannot show anyone any explicit liking. However, since you are a Grey, I can use it to my advantage and have you around me, under the pretext of being my personal maid. Tonight, you will be spending the night with me." he got up, helping her raise and pulling her to his chest, looking down at her small form, irked that she was still so stiff and uncomfortable to his presence...To his touch...To him. "But... Ms. Venable forbid a man and a woman - " her voice was shaky, looking away from him, her porcelain skin growing a tint rosier, and for the first time in so many years, his heart began beating once again, and he felt warm, but not from anger...But from adoration. "Venable isn't the rule here. I am. And if anyone dares cross you, they will have to pass me first, which I can assure you, won't happen." his tone was dark and firm, like that of a king - No, more of a Dark Lord - But the confidence he was radiating managed to calm her senses, as she nodded in agreement. "Now, shall we retire for the night? I was thinking of a story, if you'd wish to hear?" like the devil whispering into her ears, she could only fall for his charm and that seducing, velvety voice of his, and followed him to his room, as with a hand on her back, he guided her in the grand bedroom.

Taking off his blazer and rolling the sleeves of his shirt up, he comfortably sit in bed, extending his arm for her to join him, her eyes watching her with the eyes of a predator, as she, with the shyness of a bunny, stood there, next to the door, looking down, with her hands clasped together to her chest.

"Do you wish to sleep standing? I doubt it would be comfortable. Why not join me? Take off your dress, I will give you one of mine, so you can sleep properly." he took out one of his black shirts, giving it to her, then tilting his head towards the bathroom for her to change, knowing very well how timid she is.

Some would have the phrase "Wolf in sheep's clothing" on their lips, seeing Michael so vulnerable around her, and yet, seeing her in only his shirt, draping down to her knees, "Sheep in wolf's clothing" would be much fitting, he thought, and yet, he realised he couldn't breath, and the urge to grab her and pull her close to his chest - So close that she would be in his heart, in his soul - No matter how unachievable that would be, he knew he never wanted her to leave his arms.

He could feel how uncomfortable she was in his arms, so close to him, a complete stranger, at least to her amnesiac self, and he did the one thing that she used to do to him whenever she tried to comfort him and calm him down - Play with her hair. Long, beautiful, smooth, shiny and full of life, just like the fire that used to play in her eyes whenever she was excited about something.

"Do you want me to tell you 'The Story of the Beautiful Angel and The Ugly Demon' ?" he asked in a gentle voice, hoping it would take her mind away from her worries. "Okay...I'm curious. I've never heard of it before." the girl smiled, daring to drape her arm over his chest, feeling a weird sense of security and... Home.

There was once a little angel, dancing in the glade of the forest of Eden, on one cloudless day of Spring, where the warmth of the Golden Sun's fan of rays caressed the Earth and all its living beings. Her voice was so beautiful as she sang that numerous critters gathered around her and the birds would chirp with her.  As she was lying down, under a Wisteria tree, the purple flower petals dancing with the wind, a little boy, ugly and crying, lost his path and ended up in front of the girl. He was so ugly, and his sobs were so creepy, that he made all animals run away from there. The girl, however, did not.

Instead, she smiled at him, a gentle smile, and extended her hands towards him, guiding him to sit next to her.  She asked him his name, yet he was much too frightened to answer. So she kneeled in front of the boy, brought his hands together, and putting hers under his, she made a little flower bloom. It was the colour of his eyes, just like the colour of the azure sky.

He looked in wander and shock at what just happened, not believing his eyes, thinking her some kind of Goddess...Until she picked the flower and put it in his hair, golden, each separate hair looking as if it was the finest thread of gold that was used to embroider Emperors and Empresses' royal clothing - It was shining brighter than the Sun itself.

"You are beautiful when you smile. Happiness suits you." she said, and yet, her dazzling smile mesmerised by the ethereal being in front of him, as if he was cheated by some spell.

And a spell it was indeed, and the girl compared herself to some witches she saw in humans' television, and since then, she tried to recreate what she was seeing, and bit by bit, she was becoming better and better, while the demon, who could do magic too, was becoming worse and worse. 

He was born evil, and she was born good. The world was either white or black, and there was no grey...At least for him, back then.

But there was one thing the angel said that will stuck to him forever, when he finally told her the reason for his distress.

He was evil, only capable of malevolent thoughts, of destroying, purging, erasing life from existence, while she was the exact opposite - A Saint, filled with kindness and benevolent actions, bringing life and healing wounds.

How could she possibly want to stay around him, a creature of the dark, when she's always engulfed in light?

But she was quick to erase his worries, as she cupped his face, drying the tears that sparkled like zircons, and said, with a voice gentle, and warm, so sweet, as if she was luring a fawn...

"There is light and dark in every human being, without exception. Maybe you feel like one side overpowers the other, but with the right influence, I assure you, you are capable of outstanding things. You are strong, Little Demon, and I promise you, when I look into your eyes, I can see the humanity shining in you, striving to shine and be better. I have faith in you, so please, believe in yourself as well."

And those words will forever be imprinted into his heart, sown with the same golden thread that made out the Sun Rays.

When Michael looked down, he notices the woman he held to his chest was much more relaxed. In fact, she was sleeping peacefully, with no sign of restlessness. She seemed...Peaceful.  It seemed his voice managed to put her to sleep, and he was happy with that.

She truly was the star shining brightest in the sky.

Next Chapter >

[nothoughtsonlytrance]

Hey everyone! Here is my submission for the Dan and Phil Phasquerade Tumblr Event! First off, as a surprise, I made not one, but TWO songs for the event!

The first one is the main theme song for the event as requested by @wdapteo! 生き甲斐 (Ikigai)! It’s not fully orchestral but I put a bit of strings and horns in there, so I guess it counts lol! I decided to go with a theme that was mainly based around guitars and synths. I also put in a few Asian instruments such as the koto to represent their trips to Japan. The title “Ikigai” is a Japanese concept that refers to one’s sense of purpose or reason to live and is a combination of the words “iki”(to live) and “gai” (reason). This concept can include people such as friends, families, and partners, as well as activities such as one’s hobby or pastime. It basically means that one can find joy in their life by being aligned with their purpose. I thought this concept would be perfect for the phasquerade because Dan and Phil’s ikigai or reason to live is each other. 🥰

As for the background image, I found a picture on Adobe Stock Photos of two masquerade masks that looked PERFECT for Dan and Phil. (The black one is Dan’s and the white one is Phil’s, obviously, lol 😂) Phanartists, feel free to use those masks in ur art! 👌🏻

The second song I made is an orchestral ballroom version of JVKE’s Golden Hour! It took me around two days to do, along with constant listening to the song to get the chords right and then add my own bits on top of it 😂 I’m really proud of this version because lemme tell ya, making orchestral music on Garageband IOS is harder than it looks 😭😅 I still can’t believe how far I’ve gone with making music on this app bc I started using it in 2018 and back then, I had a hard time navigating everything but I slowly worked my way up to where I am now, and tbh I still have far more to go! The background image I used for this is another stock image I found on Pexels that fit the vibe of the song! (Also the two men in the picture looked like Dan and Phil haha 😂)

Anyways, here's a little introduction of me: I’m Kristy, aka @nothoughtsonlytrance. My pronouns are she/they and I am pansexual! (Fun fact, I found out I was pan around the same time that Dan and Phil came out in 2019 lol) I’ve been watching Dan and Phil since around 2012/2013 (so when I was around 12 or 13 years old) because that was the time when I really started watching YouTube and eventually found their channels. I vividly remember watching the Photobooth Challenge video and crying with laughter because it was so hilarious. I continued to look forward to seeing their videos after school and finally got to see them on stage in 2018 for their Interactive Introverts tour when they came to Richmond, VA. (didn’t get VIP tickets for the meet and greet tho so I still have yet to meet them in person 😭🤞) It continues to be one of my favorite memories of them and I remember crying when seeing them on stage. Their videos mean so much to me and I even made my quote for my college graduation cap “Embrace the void and have the courage to exist” because their videos got me through the last two semesters of college!😎👌🏻(Which got noticed by Dan and Phil in their Phan Twitter Memes 2 video!) Words cannot express how proud I am of them, especially after their coming out videos and how they feel more free to be themselves! And I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for them! (And also us haha)

I think the song that will be playing when I take the stage is “Once Upon a December” from the musical Anastasia! It is one of my favorite musicals and I even got to see it in NYC with my family a few years back! Also, as someone who was adopted from Russia, this song really speaks to me personally. I don’t speak Russian fluently, only a few basic words and phrases that my parents taught me that they learned when they were adopting me, (I only speak English) but I’ve been trying to learn the lyrics to the Russian version of the song so I can sing along with it too. (Pronouncing Russian isn’t easy haha)

Anyways, here’s my post for the phasquerade! Hope you all enjoy the music! I had so much fun being a part of this and thank you so much to @serendipnpipity for planning and organizing this!

[hauntedwitch04]

Leaves

Andrew Garfield x reader

Words: 0.7k words

Warnings: none, just fluff and idiots totally in love with each other

Author’s note: Hi everybody! Sorry to be this late, life is just being crazy right now.

Requests are open I Ask

My masterlist

Join the Taglist

Buy me a coffee - Patreon submission

🎃Halloween party 🎃

DAY 6: “I got some leaves on my way here for you, they are really pretty”

Ever since I was little, I have always collected leaves in the fall. It sounds kind of sociopathic, but my mother and I and then with my sisters, for as long as I can remember we have collected the strangest and most beautiful leaves that we found on our walks in the park during the fall.

Although I am no longer a child, I wanted to keep this tradition alive because it makes me feel closer to my family members who now live far away from me.

When I told my fiancé, Andrew, I thought he would think I was crazy instead he told me it was one of the sweetest things he had ever heard and asked if he could participate in this tradition as well, understanding perfectly well if I didn't want to because it was a very personal thing. I had not been able to help but throw myself at his neck, saying that I would love to share that thing with him, because after all for me and for my whole family it was now part of us, but until today he had never done anything to help me with my collection.

I am baking another pan of cookies, to the tunes of "Nightmare before Christmas," when I hear the front door open and close.

"Hello love!" I hear Andrew shout as he hangs up his jacket and takes off his shoes. "The cold weather has finally started!" He says sarcastically as he enters the kitchen, knowing that I was waiting for nothing more, as I hate heat and summer, while loving to death autumn and the cold it brings. In response I tongues at him as I keep humming the songs and then remember what I was supposed to tell him.

"Althea called me, you know about the surprise party for Iara's birthday, and she told me that it will be around three o'clock in the afternoon on Sunday, but that if we want to get there the night before she has a free room." I tell him, while I am still intent on checking the cookies that I am now taking out of the oven to make sure they are ready. I see him go wide-eyed and run off, and immediately I cannot understand his reaction so abruptly to what I have said.

After a few minutes I see him come back with a book, which he rests on the table. I open it and he proudly shows me a bright red leaf, with a few hints of orange, that seems to be almost heart-shaped.

I feel my heart melt inside my rib cage, seeing with how much love and dedication he is showing me what he has found, and I refrain from kissing him there his moment.

"I got some leaves on my way here for you, they are really pretty. This is my favorite, though. Do you like it?" He asks looking at me with those puppy-dog eyes of his, and I can no longer stop myself from leaving a sweet kiss on his lips. He is caught a little off guard, only to immediately return that gesture of affection from me.

"So am I to take it to mean that you liked it?" He says once we break away, giving me that sly little smile that I so badly want to wipe off with a slap.

"I would say yes, in fact I would say he deserves to have his own frame and a place on the fireplace." I reply, before going to get a photo frame, where there is already a picture of us in a park taken by one of our closest friends. I open the frame and place the leaf next to our figures, and close it all up, before putting it back on the fireplace where it was before. We both stay staring at that frame for what seems like hours, him with his arms around my waist and his chest against my back, while I keep my hands on his, hugging a little and enjoying the perfume he is wearing, which I gave him last Christmas. We don't say a word, but there is no need because we can both feel each other's happiness.

[suzannahnatters]

Flash Fic: The Gardens of Hades

The gardens of Hades are barren when I come.

He snatches me from the sunlit lands and carries me to the underworld, a dark chasm lit only by the distant flames of Tartarus. His house is of black marble, and as he drags me through the shadowed halls, I try to empty my mind of everything but this moment.

I know the stories. I know that the gods have cruel desires.

Instead, he opens the door to a walled garden. A black pool glitters at the centre. Naked sticks rattle in the earth, but nothing lives here.

“This is yours, Lady Persephone,” he says.

Then he leaves.

.

I’m just glad Hades leaves me alone, so I don’t ask questions. I infuse the pool with light and call grass and asphodel from the dead soil.

When he visits again, he comes with a gift.

“I have brought you a servant.” A veiled shade follows him into the garden.

I wonder if he wants me to thank him for giving me a slave when I once had friends, a desert when I once had flowers.

I wonder why he took me.

Hades inspects a young shrub. “What’s this?”

“A pomegranate,” I say.

For a moment, I think he’s going to speak. Then he swallows the impulse and leaves.

.

On the day my pomegranate tree blooms, I find the shade sitting beneath the tree wiping her eyes with her veil. She says her first word: Springtime.

Little by little, she remembers how to speak. She talks about finishing this garden and moving on, the underworld blooming under my touch.

She doesn’t remember her name, so I call her Lethe.

.

My pomegranate tree bears fruit, but as I peel it open Lethe grabs my wrist. “If you eat, you will become a creature of his realm.”

I hurl the fruit at the wall.

.

It’s only a matter of time till my mother finds me.

Hades keeps sending gifts: servants, seeds, pruning-hooks and shovels. As the garden fills with life, so do the shades. The third time he visits, he dismisses the servants and looks at me with tired eyes. I wonder if he is always this sad.

“Your mother grieves without hope. Crops and men die, and no one sacrifices to the gods.” He sighs. “I am to send you back.”

Back to the home he took from me. Back to mother and wind and sunlight, but first I have one question.

“Why did you take me?” I spit.

He is the lord of the dead. He cannot sugar his words, as other gods might. “I need you,” he admits.

I think of Lethe, and to my surprise, I understand. I am springtime, but he is pain. No wonder the dead suffer, if that is all he can give them.

Before he can stop me, I rip open a pomegranate, and the juice is sour on my tongue.

The gardens of Hades are barren when I come.

But where I tread, they bloom. ---- I wrote this flash fic for the Pilgrim Artists' Festival, a small Christian festival of art, music, and words which runs every year in Tasmania's Huon Valley. The theme for the 2019 festival was "Grief and Hope", and I at once thought of Dorothy Sayers' poem, Rex Doloris, which imagines Hades as the King of Grief. This is the 500-word short story that resulted. I'd been looking for a way of retelling the story for nearly as long as I can remember, and this ficlet is the first step in that process. I can promise you that it won't be the last.

The 2023 Pilgrim Artists' Festival is now open for submissions of fiction, non-fiction, poetry, art, and music from Christian, Nicene-Creed-affirming artists, including children and adults, anywhere in the world. This year's prompt is "Beauty in the Everyday" and there is a 500 word limit on literary entries. There are also dozens of prizes available - check them out and submit here.

[sgiandubh]

Hello how are you? I follow several shippers' blogs and I noticed that every now and then some bloggers publish hateful messages they received. My question is about mental health: how do you deal with it? I understand that your presence here is relatively recent, but have you ever regretted something?

Dear Mental Health Anon,

This is the kind of submissions I welcome with all my heart, because they are benevolent and witty. Forgive me already for what I suspect will be a long answer. It is not the pleasure of hearing me talk that prompts them, but the sincere intention to answer deserving asks as clearly, fully and honestly as I can.

The short answer is : I am fine, Fall is slowly coming and nights are starting to be really chilly. There's some light rain tapping on the roof of my flat and I will spend my week-end wandering around some of my favorite places on Earth. And now, onwards to the consistent and interesting ask of yours...

The worst trolling message I have ever seen in this fandom is the one I am immediately going to post below, because I think it should serve us all as warning and reminder. It was posted on a blog I have been reading from the beginning of my long lurking days on Tumblr: @cb4tb is one of the most balanced and articulate people in this corner of the Internet. I remember being shocked by its cold and very coherent violence. The feat of a casebook sociopath, who thinks her asks in Spanish (I am 200% certain about it) and who has an appalling command of English grammar. Written on Christmas' Eve and on purpose:

Compared to the alarming slander @cb4tb got (whatever for is a mystery, she is non conflictual and posts very witty business insights) on a day that should be completely taboo for every civilized human being (you don't need to believe in God to respect one of Christianity's most important celebrations), whatever hate I could get in here is definitely subpar. Most of it did not make it on my page and went straight to the bin. But it's not always easy: I am as human as you, Anon, and sometimes I feel personally insulted and revolted by the smugness and pettiness of it all. However, I must immediately add their hate never made me give up an inch of my convictions. They are the result of a long interval of watching and pondering, coupled with my own observations I gladly share with like-minded women all around the world. That often hits a nerve or bruises overinflated egos on the Other Side. So be it: I am not here to be meek and obedient, if I never was meek and obedient in real life. I am here to bring clarity and build trust, which incidentally resonates very closely to what I do for a living. That probably rates me as a moderate on the shipper spectrum, in the sense that by complete design I put aside some divisive topics I firmly chose not to discuss. I am not interested to bring attention on me, in here, and the least thing I'd like is to be a vector of discord. So that would also rate me as a peacemaker of sorts - and yes, that sounds perhaps pretentious, but I believe it is needed, especially now.

I only felt a clear intention to threaten me twice, both in DM. The first time it curiously came from one extreme fringe of the shipper community and I brushed it off, because it was an empty, almost ridiculous threat. I politely denied and that was it - two persons blocked me and there were no other consequences to it. The second time, an anti came to confront me on an irrelevant point, with a very aggressive undertone. I blocked and almost forgot about it. If you have it clear enough in your mind that such things cannot be avoided and, at the same time, you know that your own moral compass is not compromised, these details will not affect you. At all. I confidently promise you that. Last but not least: if you are not great with compartmentalizing, don't step in the arena. It can seriously ruffle your self-esteem and it's not worth it.

So this is how I deal with it: I focus on what I have to say (does it bring something new? interesting? positive? thought-provoking?), on the way of saying it (above all, be kind and gracious to every other shipper) and on the right moment to say it (only when I am honestly sure I can do it with no unwanted consequences). But I will stand in solidarity with any shipper (any single one of them) who is humiliated, belittled or disparaged, with not a single shred of fear in the world. And I would also fend for myself if necessary, if I am getting over-the-top slander: all the other yapping, I ignore. Sometimes (often, even) it's more interesting to watch.

And if anything else fails, I go for a long drive and have a coffee at the seaside or simply open a book or listen to some Bach or call Someone. Or take this little big guy out for a lazy walk in the park:

You ask me if I regret anything. Absolutely not. I have received more than I could ever give, in here. I have met spectacular women and men, I have grown very fond of and feel very close to. I have had the immense satisfaction of sharing their secrets, their worries, their plans and this means trust, in my book, for which I will never tire saying how grateful I am. I also strived to respond in kind and I mean to honor this unwritten contract. Last but not least, I have watched this community slowly dusting off months of sadness and perhaps starting to open up again.

And all of this makes me damn proud of who we are, Anon. Thank you for dropping by! You are always welcome on my page.

[bedpolls]

how many characters do you have in your inbox?

I'm sure you didn't expect a nice long response anon, but that's what you're getting.

Right now I have 50 asks in my inbox, including this one. The last time I completely emptied the inbox was on 5/14. Best case scenario, is that it will take about 2 hours for me to sort through and post the requests to the queue. Once I got over 100 asks in less than a 48 hour period, and straight up spent 4.5 hours sorting through them. Here's why it takes me so long.

I do a basic search to make sure the character in question isn't a minor, and to figure out what their actual name is. I cannot stress this enough, idk shit about 90% of the requests I get. I don't know who that character is. Any mistakes made with names or photos chosen aren't because I secretly hate you and that character, or because I'm being malicious. It's because I've got little to no way to know what's correct. I'm going off shit on wikis, and most of that content is written by a bot nowadays anyways.

For me, the ideal submission format is "[FULL CHARACTER NAME] from [FULL TITLE OF MEDIA]" and that's it. That way I can just copy/paste directly from the ask into google. I have not instituted this as a rule, simply because I can't get people to read what rules I do have in the first place. Idk how much more eye catching that posts needs to be. It's bold, in red, and pinned to the top of the blog. If I put in a requirement for formatting, it would disqualify most requests, and I don't want to do that.

Some people feel the need to editorialize in the request itself, which tbh I mostly ignore. I don't care why you submitted this character. Idk anything about this character. Do whatever. Live your best life.

A random character nickname + acronym for the title is also the worst. I can usually figure it out, but it takes longer. When I've still got 30+ requests to get through, that's frustrating. I think sometimes people will just put the acronym for a piece of media in out of habit, or because they see I've used an acronym at some point in the tagging system. Tumblr does recommend tags, and that's why I might use it. This means that, when an acronym pops up again in the ask, I still don't immediately recognize it until I can remember googling it two weeks ago the last time that piece of media came up.

When it comes to the age of characters, I'll be honest I have much less patience. Sometimes I will google "[CHARACTER NAME] age" and what comes up is a spirited reddit thread, where people are arguing about whether or not the character is 15 or 45. Or 16 or 1500. Or whether or not they count as a minor, if they're physically 13 but actually 120 years old. Or whatever. I just fucking delete those, I'm not dealing with that shit.

I also often have to search the blog or scroll the queue to see if I have done the request before. There's a few video games where I've gotten a bunch of requests, there's a shitton of characters, and the names all blend together. If it's a duplicate, I delete those requests.

Generally speaking though, I try my best to ensure that every request gets posted. Yes even if it's weird, even if it's niche. You can submit characters from that one webcomic, or that one movie you love from 1954. The only requests that get deleted are ones that are 1) duplicates 2) violate the posted rules or 3) are so incomprehensible that I have no way of knowing what the fuck the requester is talking about.

[chronotopes]

PERSONAL WRITING WRAPPED 2023

Getting this done significantly earlier than I got it done last year, which I think may in itself be an indication of being in "a better mental place."

Let's get to it.

CREATIVE NONFICTION, NEW FIRST DRAFTS:

"Catalogue of Thoughts, With Rebukes," January. CLASSIC katia journal entry turned essay format, which is "conversation between versions of myself." Artistic enough suffering that it totally counts as a cnf essay.

"I Can't Remember..." (titled in real life "my homework from brenda and julie"), January. Essay Written For Practice, specifically inspired by the prompt "Write an essay where every sentence starts with 'I can't remember.' Cathartic and has some bits of very pretty prose. Maybe I don't agree with the overall conclusions it draws, but I sure like it as a piece of writing.

"As the sun sets over [my local river], I consider Joan of Arc," January. broooo why were my early-in-the-year cnf titles so pretentious. Lyric essay meets prose poem but I'm choosing to classify it as a lyric essay. First draft dictated into my voice memos, mad scribe style. Man i used to love voice memos.

"Elegy for a life I can't live," April. Boooo emo bullshit booo but once again cathartic and perhaps more clear-sighted about things than the previous work. Anaphora got me through a lot in the first half of this year.

"I don't understand music," April. Finally, creative nonfiction that isn't about depressing shit! About a) piano and b) love, obviously. Needs a lot of editing but I am fond of her.

"Orthodox," July. Old poem about national identity and religion that I reformulated into a very unpolished essay.

"Two gay preteens and a lake monster," July. Another old poem, reformulated into a flash essay this time. Polished it enough to submit to a call for flash essay submissions and then never did.

"Nikolayevna," July. ALSO an old poem reformulated into a flash essay. This is my favorite trick and I will do it to all of my mid-but-promising poetry one day. This one's about ~generational cycles!~

"My dead boss and my dead friend," July. New addition to my senior spring flash essay series from last year.

"A spoiler, displaced in time," July. Another new addition to the senior spring flash essay, in an effort to make it more rounded with context I did not then have.

"[personal bullshit relevant situation], or 'The Kids from Yesterday.'" The Senior Spring Essays in their totality cannot ever seen the light of day for many reasons and one of them is that the ending rests partly on an MCR-based metaphor. Which is very silly.

"Justifications," October. Oh lord back to For Processing Purposes Only creative nonfiction. That's cool I guess. Mad about how good the prose in these quasi-journal entries is and the degree to which i did not write enough of them this year.

12 pieces in total.

CREATIVE NONFICTION, NEW DRAFTS OF OLD STUFF AND UNFINISHED BUT PROMISING NEW STUFF.

"Catalogue of Kitchenware," February-August. What it sounds like.

"Obsidian Greythorne's Depression Cannot Be Cured By Finding A New, Alive Girlfriend" and "Fornax And Annue Cannot Ever Have Sex For Reasons I Just Made Up," March-June. Two entries in an envisioned series of essays exploring adolescent sexuality/identity/experience through old fictionwriting adventures.

"Catalogue of Berries," July. Eastern Europe posting.

"On Taking the Waters," July. I said "Oh, I know what's missing from this old essay about being very sad in bath!" and stuck my friend who died in there. Classic essay trick.

"A Grand Palatial House of the Old South," July. Heterosexual roommate angst processing essay, refined.

"On being old enough to talk about the war," July. Flash essay (really edging out of flash essay territory, it got long) from last year about the Russian invasion of Ukraine, completely rewritten.

"A Hill in the [local civil war history location]," July. Also a flash essay from the senior spring essays, rewritten enough to count as a newish thing.

"A Car Is Like A Little House," August. Suburbia, weather, immigration, the interstate highway system, all the usual suspects in my writing.

Nine pieces in total.

POETRY:

"Myopia in seventh-grade notebooks," January. "It is january 2023, and one year ago I should have known better. / And unlike all of the other times I ruined my life, that time, it was for forever." Less Vent Poetry and more unified concept worth working from. About reading notes to myself in old diaries.

"Novice time traveler," February. Jesus christ reading through these is killing me. This one shares a lot of ideas with dialogues but is less good lol.

"3/23/2022," February. A sestina I wrote for Gabe on the occasion of our first anniversary, and certainly a sestina I like a lot more than the first sestina I wrote. Not groundbreaking stuff but I like it anyway. I would have to take a Real Poetry Class to get properly good at poetry, I think. For those curious: my words were moon, dare, blossom, spring, test, and time.

I would write Gabe little poems every day for the last few months of being longish-distance. Not all of them were good, and I cannot count them to save my life, but among them were "Sonnet for a job application," "Sonnet for an orchestra concert," "February Villanelle," "Sonnet for warmth," "Sonnet for Spring," "For Dusk," "For the sinking sun." Some of them will be something one day. Others had value in their ephemeral Baby Poem status.

Ten completed pieces in total, a whole lot more little stuff than that.

FICTION:

52 or so thousand words of what was once titled Adventures of the Extranei and is now titled fucking, like, Untitled Quartz the Novel Project, June-November. What started out as last year's fascination with an old, sprawling, deeply flawed novel turned into a perhaps-ill-advised attempt to rename (almost) all the characters and rewrite it to be coherent. Currently, it exists in the form of a 100-page outline and one nanowrimo's worth of novel (three parts out of like twelve complete). I'll go back to it after I finish Aivide, if only because of Sunk Cock Theory.

A rewritten prologue to what was once titled Adventures of the Extranei: The Next Generation and is now titled Dude If You Rewrite All Of Nextgen Too You're Going To Have To Start Asking For Money For It Because Seriously We're Talking 500k+ words of story here. What can I say, sometimes the grip of "I could do this BETTER" overtakes you.

Three edited existing chapters and one brand new revised chapter of AIVIDE THE PREQUEL, August-December. READ IT HERE, unless you haven't read Vinbre the Novel yet, in which case read Vinbre the Novel first. Very proud of the ways I've sneakily grown as a writer since first drafting the last three chapters, very glad for the opportunity to write it as I see it now and share it with the world.

About 85,000 words in total if you only count the completely new chapter of Aivide, somewhere around 100,000 if you count stuff I added to the old ones. I could probably be more accurate about it if I wasn't writing this at 2 AM on new year's eve. (Afternoon after edit: About 37,000 new words of Aivide + 51,980 words of Quartz + 10,007 words of nextgen bullshit = just about 98,000 words of fiction. yippee!!)

Overall, 26 completed(ish) pieces in total, counting the venty drafts and the revisions, which constituted a lot of what I wrote this year.

SUPERLATIVES:

Most Economical: "Two Gay Preteens and a Lake Monster," "My Dead Boss and My Dead Friend"

Most Romantic: "I don't understand music"

Greatest Potential: "A car is like a little house," "Orthodox"

Best Emerging Genre: Essay collections

Biggest Comeback: Fiction

Most Likely To Succeed: "Catalogue of Berries," "On Taking the Waters," "Orthodox," "A Car is like a little house"

The One You Should Read: Aivide the Prequel

Worst Girls of the Year: Quartz Greythorne and Aivide Thieri