#the king wants cheeseburgers

[otisbeerdraws]

Happy 14th anniversary to two of my oldest YTP series: The King wants Cheeseburgers and King Crisis! 👑🍔

[meleemario720]

I made so many YouTube Poops using footage of it, but I never actually owned a copy of Sneak King until now.

[blookmallow]

i like how instacart tells you if someone has shopped orders for you before like oh hey its michelle again. i wonder how many of the same doordash drivers ive had. do they see my order like ah theres the mcdonalds house again. i wonder what that job is like i bet you get really weird insight into the neighborhood doing that

[sweetfictionalworld]

A New Beginning (Orm Marius x Fem!Reader)

Summary: Orm finds a new life on the surface.

Warnings: 18+, Smut, Breeding Kink, Creampie.

Author's notes: Watching Aquaman The Lost Kingdom and my beloved Orm again hit me with a wave of inspiration. Can't believe it's been five years since I last wrote about him. I know this won't get many notes, cause he isn't a very popular character, but I don't care. I finally got some inspiration again.

Standing on the balcony, you looked across the green landscape and smiled as Orm wrapped his arms around you from behind.

"Do you know how beautiful you are?" he murmured into your neck as he placed feather-light kisses on your skin.

Blushing, you leaned your head to the side and sighed blissfully as his lips traveled down your skin and you started reminiscing about how you met.

"Here you go, Sir."

You put down the cheeseburger in front of Orm and he looked up at you with those curious, blue eyes you'd grown accustomed to seeing every day. Eyes that made your belly flutter from the first day he looked at you.

"Thank you, y/n," Orm said and smiled. "And I've told you. Please, call me Orm."

You smiled shyly and fluttered your eyes down as you nodded. "You know, Orm. You've come here every day for a month now, eating the same thing. How on earth do you stay in such good shape?"

Orm shrugged his shoulders. "Good metabolism, I guess."

You let out a soft chuckle and walked away to the next table. Orm watched as you worked, jealous of the other men receiving that beautiful smile of yours. It wasn't just the cheeseburger pulling him back here every day. Ever since that first day you served him, he had been lost in your smile. At first, he hated you for it, hated himself for allowing a human to have this power over him. But over time, he came to like these humans and their ordinary life. You humans weren't so bad after all. And you...Orm wetted his lips. Should he muster the courage to ask you out? Orm frowned. When did he become so shy and uncertain of himself? When he was King, he had no problem getting women. Or perhaps, the true reason for that was because he had been King...

You took a deep breath and smoothed down your apron as you looked over at Orm's table. You studied the short, soft curls on his neck, imagining running your fingers through them...Your eyes landed on his broad shoulders and arms, wondering what he looked like underneath his clothes. You lowered your gaze and a shy smile grazed your features. You wanted to ask him out so badly, but wasn't sure he felt the same way about you. Sure, he had given you looks indicating that he did. But who knew? You'd definitely been wrong about these things in the past. Perhaps, you were being delusional? After all, what would a handsome man like him see in you?

"Y/n?"

You were drawn back to reality by Orm's voice. You fluttered your eyes and looked up at him, pushing your thoughts to the back of your mind. You smiled and cleared your voice.

"Yes?"

"I..." Orm looked down at the floor and rubbed the back of his head. He almost looked...nervous?" "I was wondering, if you would like to go out with me sometime?"

A pang of heat washed over you and you stared at the man in front of you, your eyes blinking slowly as if time slowed down. Orm saw the look in your eyes and knew he'd made a terrible mistake.

"I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"I would love to go out with you!"

It was Orm's time to stare at you, his mouth half-open in shock.

"Really?"

You nodded and smiled. "Really."

Orm's hands traveled down your stomach and slid underneath your nightgown, a low growl rumbling in his chest as his fingers ran across the thin fabric of your underwear. His touch sent a warm spark of arousal through your clit. Moaning softly, you leaned back against his warm, naked chest, your hips bucking gently against his hand, searching for the pleasure you knew was waiting.

"I want a child with you, y/n," Orm whispered and pushed his fingers underneath your panties, groaning when he felt how wet you already were for him. His cock twitched in response, growing hard inside his pajama pants. He loved how in tune your body was with his, always responding so delightfully to his touches.

Your heart leaped at his words, making you unaware of the pleasure his fingers were rubbing on your clit. Turning around, you cupped his face and looked into his kind, blue eyes.

"Are you sure?" you asked, your sparkling eyes betraying your happiness. You knew he would be an amazing dad, but you never knew if the family life was something he wanted. Not until he'd asked you to marry him. Then you had hope that someday he wanted to have children with you.

"Yes. I've never been more certain about anything in my entire life," Orm said and grabbed your legs, lifted you up, and wrapped them around his waist. Truth be told, seeing Arthur with Mera and their son had awakened a longing in him. And he swore to be the kind of father he never had, a caring, loving dad who would do anything for his family.

Orm carried you silently into the bedroom and dropped you down onto the bed, his eyes burning with an intense passion you hadn't seen in him before as he looked intensely into your eyes. Your eyes traveled down his muscular body. Damn, you would never get used to how incredibly well-shaped his body was. He looked like one of those ancient God statues carved in marble.

Orm couldn't control himself anymore, the sight of the shape of your tempting breasts and hard nipples beneath the fabric of your silk nightgown making his dick twitch greedily.

"I will fill you up so many times you'll be dripping for days and my child is growing inside your belly," he grumbled through his tensed jaw and ripped your underwear off of you.

"Orm?!" Your eyes widened as you stared up at your husband, your lower belly filling with an uncontrollable, pulsing heat. What was up with him? You'd never seen him like this before.

Orm only growled and pulled his pants down, his gaze never leaving yours as he stepped out of the pants and crawled on top of you. He grabbed your legs and pushed inside you in one swift movement, making you gasp and clutch onto his lower arms. Orm groaned at your tightness and started thrusting into you deeply at a hard, relentless pace.

"Fuck!" you moaned in a breathy gasp, your nails digging into Orm's arms as he pounded you so roughly that the bed rocked and creaked. His cock hit that sweet spot deep inside you, creating a wave of pleasure searing through your core at every thrust. Feeling the force of an overwhelming orgasm approaching, you tilted your head back, your lips slightly parted as you closed your eyes and surrendered to the sensations flowing through your body.

Orm looked down at the pleasured expression on your face as he thrust into you, felt the tightening of your walls, and knew you were close. Straightening up on his knees, he grabbed your hips and thrust even deeper inside you, his breath quickened and chest glistening with sweat.

You gasped when Orm changed his position, and his thrusts grew harder and deeper. Opening your eyes, you looked up into his eyes filled with so much want and need.

"Please, Orm...fill me up. Put a baby in my belly," you whispered through his pounding thrusts.

Orm's eyes widened and darkened at your words, and you could feel his cock swelling impossibly big inside you.

"Fuck...," Orm grunted quietly and thrust faster until he pumped into you a final time, emptying his full load inside you. Throwing his head back, he growled as his hips bucked erratically, pumping every drop of seed he had to offer deep inside your belly.

"Oh, Orm...," you moaned as he came inside you, his swelling cock pushing you over the edge of climax. Lifting your hips, you cried out with pleasure as you clenched around him, your pussy milking his cock like a vice.

Looking down, Orm watched as his cock twitched inside you, filling you up with every last drop until you were full, and it began to drizzle out around his cock still lodged inside of you. The erotic sight made him rock hard again, his dick swelling inside your still twitching walls.

Your eyes widened when you felt his cock swell inside you, and a new wave of arousal spiked through your belly. Your pussy clenched in response, and Orm smirked down at you, an amused chuckle rumbling through his chest.

"I love you, y/n."

Smiling back, you cupped his face. "I love you too, Orm."

Orm quirked an eyebrow and smirked anew. "Ready for round two?"

You giggled softly and pulled him down for a kiss. "Always."

Thank you for taking your time to read ♡

[patolemus]

Sterek fic recs: High School AU Edition

In honor of my conversation with @darling-winnie about same age!Sterek, as well as my promise to @oldefashioned, here are some high school au recs!

1. Double Cherries (And 'Extra' Hoodies) by undercoverbastard

“No, no - wait - don’t tell me,” Stiles suddenly said, leaning forward and grinning at the boy directly on his right, eyes gleaming with joy and mischief as he spoke. “You want… a salmon burger, swiss, with fruit, and a vanilla shake. Eh?”

Derek scowled, shoving his menu at Stiles as he slumped back. “No,” he said plainly. Stiles pouted.

“Too bad! That’s what I’m penning you in for, Eyebrows,” Stiles said, scribbling on his notepad as he stood and began to walk away. Derek huffed, opening his mouth to give Stiles his actual order, but the only word he got out was ‘I’ before Stiles waved him off without even looking back at Derek or down at the notepad, stride unbroken, as he recited:

“Double cheeseburger, half swiss, half cheddar, no pickles, curly fries, side honey mustard, strawberry milkshake, extra thick, double cherries.”

+.+.+

OR: alive hale family, alive claudia, and high school friends stiles/derek - all wrapped into one, based on a joke from a TV show i watched when i was 7, and then got wildly out of control!

Notes: adorable, I love their banter and the conection they have. Alive!Hale family is always such a treasure, and Claudia and Talia's friendship is great here. It's completed.

2. i wanna dance with somebody (who loves me) by bleepobleep

Derek gets in an accident and loses a few years of his memory; suddenly everything is different— he's not a freshman loser anymore, but a popular senior, captain of the basketball team, a shoo-in for prom king, too, and he should have everything he's ever wanted— except he doesn't seem to be friends with Stiles anymore.

Notes: Derek is not having a good time. Pookie just wants to be with his best friend but it turns out they're not best friends anymore and the world doesn't make sense because of it. A little angsty but it all works out. It's completed.

3. Don't Kiss and Tell by Hedwig221b

Paige has finally got the boyfriend she always wanted. The only thing is, said boyfriend doesn't touch her, doesn't kiss her and spends all his time with Stiles Stilinski. You'd think they were dating, or something...

Notes: When I tell you I go feral for this au every single time I read it! Hedwig has the best unhinged obsessive sterek fics and I'll swear on that, don't even try to change my mind. Poor Paige is definitely being led on here, and both Derek and Stiles are assholes in this one, but they're in love and they're completely devoted to each other, so it's okay (I know it doesn't make sense now, but it will. Trust). It's completed.

4. But Then What... by Stoney

Senior year is almost over, and all Stiles needs to do is keep his head down to survive. A teacher calls in a favor, leaving him stuck tutoring Derek Hale, one of the most popular jocks in school and a member of a group of douchecanoes who have bullied Stiles for years. He's someone Stiles totally hates. Totally. Like, doesn't like him even a little bit. DEFINITELY isn't attracted to him.

Except that is a total lie. Fuck his life, seriously.

Notes: Typical Jock/Nerd enemies to lovers only it's Stiles being incredibly paranoid and angsty all of the time lol. They both had me shaking my head because my babies truly don't know how to communicate, but we got there! Eventually. It's completed.

5. Just The Same by foxlavander

Something is seriously up with the captain of the lacrosse team. There's just no way Derek Hale is human. *** “I was wondering if you're even human. You move so quickly. I mean, it's ridiculously fast. No human should be able to move that fast, y'know? It's unfair for us. I mean, it's obvious you work out, and I don't, so that could be why, but like...I was just wondering if you were human, that's all.” “Stop talking, Stilinski, or I'll—” “Put me on the bench all season?” Stiles asks knowing full well that Derek Hale can't threaten him with shit.

Notes: This one is so good. Stiles is onto you, Derek! But seriously, they're so awesome in this one. And Derek bakes and he wants to open up a bakery and it's adorable. I love them and I love the Hales, everything is great. Look out for the werewolf reveal! It's completed.

6. The In Which Stiles Is Secretly Magic series by apocryphal

All Stiles wants from life is to learn to control his magic, keep his grades up, and not die horribly while saving Beacon Hills from supernatural threats. It's all going pretty well until Derek Hale, werewolf extraordinaire, has to go and ask him on a date. That asshole.

Notes: The lore for magic users in here is honestly so good. Love the world building! The Hales are alive in this one as well, which for me is always a plus. A little bit (maybe more than a little bit) angsty but it ends well. There's a few things going on, but basically Stiles is basically Deaton's apprentice and there are Rules(TM) he has to follow as a magic user. He's pretty badass though! The series is technically not finished, but both parts in the series are completed.

7. cheer up, babe by graveltotempo

He was the basketball captain. And he was a cheerleader. Can I make it any more clear? OR: Derek Hale thought he had his crush on Stiles Stilinski under control. And then Stiles decided to show up to school in a skirt.

Notes: Derek spends all 20k words thirsting over Stiles, as he should. Stiles gets to wear a skirt and be generally awesome. They are disgustingly sweet together.

8. Made Your Mark on Me (A Golden Tattoo) by writteninthewolfstar

Beacon Hills High and Lycan Heights High are well-known enemies. Derek Hale, Lycan Heights' star quarter-back, is well-known for being aggressive and arrogant. Imagine Stiles surprise when he discovers that Derek Hale is actually his soul-mate.

Notes: This one is very sweet. There's insecure Stiles and absolutely lovely Derek. It's abo with Omega!Stiles and Alpha!Derek, and it's actually pretty wholesome. Derek is like public enemy number one of BHHS and a jock, Stiles is a loner, and when they turn out to be soulmates they have to navigate what that means for it. It has 13 out of 14 chapters, last updated in March of 2024.

9. too busy being yours to fall for somebody else by whiry

Stiles, worried that Scott may actually leave him behind because of his newfound popularity, is desperate to cling to something away from the drama of Lydia Martin's amazing parties and the woes of high school lacrosse. What he finds is Derek Hale, a guy who seemingly hates Stiles at first, but slowly, and insistently, becomes friends with him. As their friendship grows, Stiles starts to wonder if they could ever become something more or if pushing what they have will lead him to being alone for good.

Notes: Also very sweet! It's strangers to friends to lovers, and Stiles falls out of love with Lydia without even realizing because he's fallen in love with Derek. The Hales are alive in this one, yay! The way sterek bonds over music is also so good! It's completed.

10. Stupid Over You by Wolfspurr

It's a Friday night, and instead of enjoying any of the numerous things he'd rather be doing, Stiles has been roped into dinner with his dad at the Hale's. On the plus side, Derek Hale will be there. On the minus side, Derek Hale will be there, and Stiles already has a hard enough time not making an ass of himself in front of the hottest guy in school. There's no way this can end well.

Notes: Overall amazing fic! Stiles is his oblivious awkward self that we all know and love, Derek is completely smitten with him. All this wrapped up in a dinner with the Hales and the Stilinskis. That's it, that's the fic. It's completed.

11. Six Minutes by CosmoKid

“What do you want?” Derek practically grows when Stiles is near enough to hear. He can definitely feel the werewolf vibes coming from the guy as well as the fuck off vibes that roll off him in tsunami-sized waves. Stiles has one thing he needs to say to Derek, but he also has eight million questions to ask him about the werewolf thing and he can barely sort out his thoughts as it is, let alone when there’s a ridiculously attractive werewolf who’s basically Adonis staring at him. Derek takes another drag of his cigarette and raises his eyebrows at Stiles expectantly. He shivers and blurts out, “Six minutes.” That makes Derek smirk, but it’s so condescending that even Harris would be impressed. “No offense, Kitten,” Derek starts and Stiles just narrows his eyes at the nickname. Derek keeps his eyes trained on Stiles as if to dare him to challenge the nickname. Stiles bites his tongue and resists it. “But you’re not really my type.”

Notes: This is not your typical high school au, but it's a nice change of pace. It's got werewolves, which we love, and bad boy Derek. Stiles stood no chances lol. It's completed.

12. The covalent bonds series by HaldFizzbin

Awkward Nerd Derek has been crushing on Handsome Jock Stiles since forever—so getting paired with him on a Chemistry project is definitely the best/worst thing that's ever happened to him.

Notes: I went on a little Nerd!Derek and Jock!Stiles fixation the other day so here we have it. Derek is awkward and funny and insecure and we love him. Stiles is Stiles, and he's awesome. The series is not finished, but all the parts of the series are complete.

13. It's Always Been You, Dumbass by stilinskisparkles

“Alright, cool, we should go,” Stiles says breezily, dusting off his hands as he stands. “We should?” “Yeah!” “But… Do you even care about photography?” “Not as much as I should,” Stiles plants both his hands on the table, bracketing Derek in, “You’ll have to correct my miscreant ways.”

Notes: Stiles is helplessly pining, Derek is painfully oblivious and the absolute last to find out. Somehow, they still go on like three dates together. It's pretty great, and it's completed.

14. can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time? by whirl

There's something strange about Beacon Hills. Stiles can't really put his finger on it, but the way certain classmates look at him at school and the way certain adults look at him in the grocery store has him curious. And it's not the sort of pitying looks that his mom's coworkers used to give him, but these ones are longer, more searching, like they're looking for something. Not to mention the weird noises that sometimes come from the woods when he runs, too human to be animal and too animal to be human. Plus the way the Hales have seemed to sequester themselves to the wild and give Stiles serious Cullen family vibes. But Stiles, like everyone else apparently, ignores it. Until it becomes too great to ignore and he has to investigate for himself and find out what is actually going on in Beacon Hills. +++ Or, the one where Stiles and Derek meet, hate each other, slowly get to know one another, and fall totally head over heels for each other all while avoiding curious classmates, an angry ex-girlfriend, and, oh yeah, imminent death.

Notes: This one is kinda crazy but in a good way! It's 120k words long so be prepared for that, and Stiles finds out about werewolves. Derek, pookie, I'm rooting for you all the way! Also Cora, my beloved. I adore her. Stiles is pretty confused all the time for a while there. It's completed.

15. scary stories and roasted goods by graveltotempo

“I have more, you know?” grumbled Jackson, clearing his throat. “Okay, fine. Here’s another; a man goes is staying at a hotel for the weekend. On his way to his room, he notices a door with no number on it-” “An albino woman with white skin and red eyes committed suicide in that room years ago,” finished Erica, inspecting her nails with a smirk. “We know that too.” “A babysitter goes to put two children to sleep in their room and notices a large creepy clown statue in the corner-” he tried again. “Get out of the house, we don’t have a clown statue,” said Allison, tried to hide a laugh at the flustered expression on Jackson’s face. “Two roommates in a room. Sarah says that she wants to go to a party and Mary wants to stay home-” “Aren’t you glad you didn’t turn the lights on?” said Derek, and Stiles laughed, looking at him with sparkling eyes. OR the cheerleading squad, the lacrosse team and the basketball team go camping.

Notes: Another cheerleader!Stiles and Jock!Derek. I love them your honor. It's all very sweet and Derek pines as he ought to do lol. Don't worry, there's light at the end of the tunnel. It's completed.

That's all I have for this one. I probably have more in my TBR but I guess we'll find out. If I ever get there. My sterek TBR only ever grows and I never seem to be able to finish fics as fast as I find them lol. Hope you guys like these!

[just-my-latest-hyperfixation]

Ready to roll?

Written for the @steddieholidaydrabbles, day 9

Prompt: No Upside Down AU

Rated: T

CW: one mention of masturbation bc Eddie is a horny little shit

Tags: Future fic; Flirting; Record label owner!Eddie; Waiter!Steve; Steve in rollerblades

Notes: Another collab with the amazingly talented and creative @house-of-the-moving-image - check out their art!

"What?" Eddie says eloquently, tearing his eyes from the laminated menu. 

The waiter is hovering next to his booth, pen tapping against the notepad in his hand. He looks annoyed. Probably pissed at Eddie for interrupting his quiet night shift. Well, tough luck, pretty boy. 

"I said …" the waiter pauses, heaves a brief but heartfelt sigh. "Are you ready to roll?" 

Eddie blinks. 

"Listen, dude!" The waiter says flatly, but there's a blush blossoming on his neck. "I'd ask if I may take your order, but I'm, like, contractually obfuscated to say … this instead. Goes with the theme, y’know?" 

He gestures at the entirety of himself. The cheerfully colored shirt and tiny shorts. The little apron around his waist. The knee-high socks disappearing into a pair of chunky, red-and-white rollerblades, and … oh, right. 

"Well?" 

Eddie snaps his eyes back up and shit, for how long has he been staring at those legs like a creep?

The waiter is scowling at him. He really is pretty. Exactly Eddie’s type. Gold-flecked eyes, stupidly voluminous hair, pink lips twisted into a bitchy little scowl. Eddie imagines pushing him up against the wall on those stupid wheels of his, sucking and biting that scowl right off. 

"Hm," he makes instead. "The guys at the label said I'd enjoy the cake, but I'm starting to think they weren't talking about the menu." 

The scowl deepens. 

"Cheeseburger and fries," Eddie says. "And a strawberry milkshake." 

One elegant eyebrow arches. 

"... Please?" 

Waiter boy smirks at him, a brief flash of perfectly white teeth. Eddie wants to lick them. 

"Coming right up." He jots the order down, shoves pen and notepad into his apron pocket. As he does, Eddie catches a glimpse of the name tag attached to his uniform shirt. (Which has nothing to do with him ogling the way the fabric stretches over that toned chest, because he wasn't doing that, thank you.)

It says "Hi, I'm Steve. :-)"

Wait, what? 

The whirr of rollerblades on the floor tiles jerks him out of his stupor. He's glad he didn't take off his sunglasses, because holy fuck, he must be gawking like an idiot right now. 

Because he knows a guy named Steve. Or knew. 

A guy named Steve with perfect, caramel hair, tan skin littered in moles and an irritatingly pretty, aloof smile. Not that Eddie was ever at the receiving end of that smile. The closest Eddie ever got to him was back in eighty-six, when he was dealing drugs out of his van. In the driveway of that palace in Loch Nora, while the King and his court partied inside. 

Eddie watches how waiter boy comes gliding out of the kitchen, wipes down tables and refills napkin holders. 

It can't be. 

Steve Harrington is back in the hellhole that is Hawkins, Indiana - or maybe at some college halfway across the country, preparing to take over daddy's business. He's most certainly not wearing rollerblades and a pair of stupidly short shorts, waiting tables in a cheap twenty-four hour diner in Seattle. 

Then again, back in eighty-six, who would've thought that Eddie Munson would be owning his own record label one day? 

When waiter boy arrives with his order and leans in to put it down on the table, Eddie peers over his sunglasses to cast an inconspicuous look at his profile. 

There's a pair of moles on his neck, near identical in size, spaced apart like a perfect little vampire bite. 

Well, slap his ass and call him Sally. 

Eddie knows these moles, has spent entire nights jerking off to the thought of sinking his teeth into them. 

"Staring costs extra," Steve mutters at the milkshake. 

Before Eddie can say anything, the phone on the counter rings and Steve rolls over to answer it. Eddie chews on his too-salty fries and can't help the grin that tugs at his lips as he watches the boy twirl the cord around his fingers while taking the order. 

The night just officially got interesting.

Steve looks over, catches him staring and gives him the flattest, most unimpressed look Eddie has ever seen on a person who just realized they were being checked out. The blush has reached his cheekbones and the bridge of his nose. Eddie winks and Steve rolls his eyes before he turns his back on him. Eddie doesn’t complain. That ass does look fantastic in the shorts.

He takes his time with the meal. The burger is nothing to write home about, but the view more than makes up for it.

When he is done, he saunters over to the counter, pulling out his wallet. Steve is busy counting mayonnaise packages and muttering under his breath. He blinks in confusion when Eddie slaps down a fifty, starts digging for change in his apron. 

"Nah," Eddie says. "Just keep it." 

Steve frowns at him. "That's way too much." 

"Don't sell yourself short. I thought staring was extra?"

Steve opens his mouth. Hesitates. Closes it. Pockets the money. 

"Thanks," he murmurs, eyes trained at some point behind Eddie's shoulder. "Roll by again."

Eddie just barely manages to turn the incoming snort into a grin.  

"Sure will,” he mutters, leaning across the counter and into the boy’s space. “Maybe I'll try that cake next time." 

"Oh, please," Steve huffs. "As if you could afford me, Munson." 

Eddie feels his jaw drop. "Wait, you knew who-" 

The doorbell chimes. 

"Hi there!" Steve chirps at the guy in the door. "You called, right? I'll check if your order is ready." 

And then he's gone and Eddie is staring at the still swinging kitchen door like an idiot. 

It isn't until he's back out in the dark street that his confusion morphs into something else. His majesty wants to play coy? Well, Eddie can indulge him, can't he? 

He makes his way home with a new spring in his step. Looks like he's found his new favorite dinner spot.

Part 2

All my holiday drabbles

[meidui]

one of my favourite things about tony is that he'll eat anything that sounds good to him? he has gluten free waffles for breakfast and offers green superfood smoothies to everyone and orders a plate of fresh veggies at a pub and tried to swear off dairy, but he gave that up when ben & jerrys named a flavour after him and had a box of donuts for his hangover breakfast and inhaled several burger king cheeseburgers in a row and tried to have a whole pizza as a workshop snack, but he also has sashimi with sake on his private jet because he insists you can't have one without the other and refuses to swallow a bite of a walnut date loaf even though he's already chewed it up, but also when he's banged up and tired he just wants shawarma or a tuna fish sandwich. i love him so much

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: What a deal

L Ron Hubbard: hey pal its me your old pal honest ron Hubbard: and i've got a great deal for you today, friends Hubbard: this handy dandy little AI can write all your books for you, friends Hubbard: with just the push of a button! Hubbard: no more slaving over a hot typewriter!

King: wow! sounds great! King: this is fully licensed, certified, bonded, endorsed and accredited by the HWA, right? Hubbard: well friend let me tell you this Hubbard: it's not NOT fully licensed, certified, bonded, endorsed and accredited by the HWA!

King: well, if the HWA isn't against it... Hailey Piper: hold it right there, steve! Piper: i have a message! Piper: and this time it's not make horror gay as fuck Piper: though we should still be doing that Barker: [to camera] I'm doing my part!

Piper: i hope fellow HWA members will join me in demanding a zero tolerance policy from the HWA on generative AI Cynthia Pelayo: yes yes well said Piper: and also Piper: THE SMELL OF THE HUNT THE TASTE OF THE SHUNT Pelayo: GODDAMNIT!!! Pelayo: GODDAMNIT SHE GOT ME AGAIN!

Hubbard: this handy dandy device will do all your writing for you or my name's not L Ron McHubbard McMonkey McBean Piper: get lost, l ron, no one likes your style! Hubbard: [packing up 3 card monte game] well!! i can tell when I'm not wanted!!

Hubbard: i'll just be taking my generative AI to a more receptive, less ABLEIST audience Hubbard: it's really more of a shelbyville idea now that i think of it

King: don't worry, i'm sure the HWA will treat this issue with all the seriousness we've come to expect from them [meanwhile] HWA president: [ed wynn voice, hitting table with comically oversized squeaky mallet] order! order in the court! HWA board member: i'd like a cheeseburger

[snailmail444]

could I get a cheeseburger and Harvey/Elliott over stimulating girl farmer😓😓

Elliot/Harvey Overstim Headcannons

NSFW 🌱 18+ 🌱 MDNI

Here’s your cheeseburger 🍔

And here’s your NSFW under the cut ;)

Elliott-

❤️ Definitely overstimulates the farmer on the reg

❤️ Lives to see her twisting up in the sheets

❤️ Lowkey highkey a dacrophillia king he has some SERIOUS kinks around crying

❤️ Probably not fucking her into it though

❤️ The options are toys or his mouth or his fingers so serious

❤️ Honestly when he’s in the mood to overstimulate her into it like. He doesn’t even wanna get off

❤️ It’s not about that

❤️ Won’t stop until she taps out

❤️ Wants to go forever lowkey. Loves seeing how wet she gets, how it shines on her thighs and all over his hands

❤️ Licks away the tears

❤️ Probably cooing the whole time too. How good you are for me, putting up with this, I know, it’s too much isn’t it?

❤️ Talks her through it the WHOLE TIME

❤️ And because he’s going so so so hard the aftercare is about to go insane

❤️ Carrying her to the bath, washing her, drying her and dressing her, feeding her fresh fruit and water by hand, all the while telling her how good and perfect and beautiful she is

❤️ Wouldn’t be Elliott if it weren’t a full hedonistic experience

Harvey-

💚 Lets premise by saying he is not going as hard as Elliott

💚 Important to note that up top I feel

💚 Will do it if she’s asking, but he’s never going to want it just for his own enjoyment

💚 When she does ask though? Man’s ALL about it

💚 Eating out -> fucking

💚 Goes down on her until she’s come twice just from him eating her out. Until she’s begging and squirming and desperate for him to fill her

💚 SWEET 👏 AND 👏 SLOW 👏

💚Overstimulation is a marathon not a race for this man

💚 Deliberately does not want to come until she’s at her limit

💚 So he’s hitting it slow and deep and hard while watching her unwind under her pleasure

💚 Stamina king?? Can last until she’s come two more times before he’s finishing

💚 Kissessssss

💚 Kisses her everywhere after he’s done. Makes sure to work out all the tension in her bodyyyyy

💚 Will not stop until she is BONELESS

💚 The praise goes crazy

💚 Makes her drink water and take some anti-inflammatoires so she won’t be sore in the morning

💚 Gives her a protein bar too because she burned a lot of calories

💚 Mister king doctor efficiency is not going to let her feel any repercussions of their fun in the morning!!!

[chasingstardustandmoonbeams]

I know it’s on your requests info, but I know you’ve also seen Bones. Would you be willing to write something fluffy with Jack Hodgins? If not that fine, hope you have good night/day!

Of course! I love Bones. It has been and will always be my comfort show ❤️ All this makes me want to do is start up a rewatch.

Word Count: 703

Warnings: None

The hum of the diner was comforting. The case you were working on was an interesting one, but you'd needed the break to clear your mind. Nothing like a crappy diner cheeseburger to make you feel better.

You were just about to take a bite when Jack slide into the seat in front of you. A wide grin plastered across his face. You couldn't help but smile back at him. When Jack smiled it was the most contagious thing in the world.

"You want to tell me what's got you grinning like that?" You teased, taking a bite into your burger.

"Oh, just the usual crack in the case done by yours truly." He leaned forward on the table, grabbing a fry off of your plate. You pushed your plate closer to him, enjoying Jack's playful mood.

"I would expect nothing less from the King of the Lab," you quipped back. You would have thought you hung the moon the way he looked at you.

"Yes! Thank you!" He said enthusiastically, slamming his hand on the table. "Sometimes it really does feel like you're the only one who appreciates my genius." Jack let out an dramatic sigh, his blue eyes gazing at you.

You rolled your eyes at his comment, watching as he popped another one of his fries in his mouth.

"Do you want something to eat? Or are you just going to keep stealing my food?" You raised your eyebrow at him.

He shrugged putting his hands up in surrender, "What happened to sharing was caring?"

"That went away when you stole half of my food - hey!" You laughed trying to swat his hand away as he stole another fry.

Jack leaned forward his head resting in hand. "You love me."

"I do, but your pushing it Hodgins," you teased, leaning forward to capture his lips with yours.

"Am I?" He raised his eyebrows at you pecking you once more.

"Oh, that's so sweet I'm getting cavities. Adorable."

"Hi, Angie," Jack laughed. Both of you turning to look at her. She took a seat next to you, stealing what was left of your fries. You fought a sigh, catching Jack's eyes. He was trying not to laugh himself.

"What?" Angela mumbled?

You and Jack only looked at each other.

"You know what? I don't want to know. Brennan's looking for both of you by the way."

You gave a forlorn look at your burger, and started collected your things.

"Can I-"

"Go ahead, Angie, somebody should enjoy it," you said remorsefully. Angela just smiled at you taking a big bite of your burger.

"Thanks, sweetie!" She called out to you as you and Jack made your way out of the diner. He held the door open for you as you walked through.

You walked side by side back to the lab.

"I was thinking-"

"Don't hurt yourself," you teased.

He let out a breathy laugh, bumping your shoulder with his own. "You basically are spending every night at my place anyways, half your stuff is there already..." his voice trailed off, as he sneaked a glance at you. Both of you walking side by side.

You stopped walking, taking shelter from the sun under the awning of a nearby building.

"Jack?"

"What would you - how would you feel about moving in? With me?"

Your grew slack, your eyes searching his. He was more reserved and bashful than you could ever remember seeing him. They vulnerability clear on his face.

"Uh, you don't have to answer right away. In fact, you know you can just-"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes, Jack. I want to move in with you."

"Really? That- that's-"

You cut him off by kissing him. His right out reach out to cradle your head, while the other placed itself along your waist, his thumb grazing against you.

Reluctantly, you pulled away, both of you breathless.

"Hodgins?"

"Yeah?" He licked his lips, still holding you.

"Brennan's going to kill us if we don't get over there."

Jack let out a breathless laugh. Placing his arm over your shoulder you both began your walk back to the Jeffersonian. He placed a gentle kiss against your temple, already excitedly planning your next steps together.

[trashmouth-richie]

𝚜𝚘 𝙸 𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎

part 3 of: do you like the way the water tastes?

summary: eddie takes you for a ride, the questions burning in your gut are resolved.

You’re certain your knuckles are broken from the iron grip you have on Eddie’s waist for the past twenty minutes. 

  His idea for a little drive was going to Bridgeport. Speeding around cars minding their own business on the lazy summer Sunday afternoon. 

Wind whipped through his curls and rippled the cotton tank top he was wearing, black sunglasses perched on his Roman nose, a honey dipped setting sun reflecting off the lenses when he turned his head at a stop sign to smirk at your wind-chapped cheeks and nervous expression.  

  “You scared, pretty girl?” 

  You were. 

  But when you shook your head no, he chuckled, rubbing your knuckles with his thumb, “I got ya,” he purred, his shy smile breaking through those plump lips, “ just don’t let go of me.” 

  The feel of your skin on his rough fingers when he had secured the helmet around your head and tightened the strap under your chin— before even getting on his motorcycle— left him with a rosy dusting to his own cheeks.

  Your skin was soft and delicate, like a petal from a flower— and he’d grow an entire garden just to feel it again. 

  You were looking at him in awe, like he had hung the moon and painted the stars just for you. And the look in your eyes made his heart flutter in his chest, skipping a beat when his eyes met yours. 

  Pupils blown and struck by Cupid, he didn’t know how deep he was falling. Were you? 

  His tongue was poked out in concentration while he fiddled with the strap, connecting it and pulling it taught under your chin. 

  His stare lingered for longer than he could help, eyelashes smushing together when the heat on his cheeks was too much to handle. 

  You had never been on a motorcycle before, but you listened intently to Eddie’s calm instructions on where to put your feet and what not to do. 

  The first few miles were horrifying, you were absolutely positive that you would fall off at any minute. Your squeals rang through his ears and burned his soul, making an ache in his stomach he hadn’t felt before, and when your fingers laced together around him, his heart nearly fell out of his chest. 

  —

“Wasn’t sure what you’d like, so—got one of each.” Eddie’s arms were full with red and white paper food boats. Chicken strips, two corn dogs, a cheeseburger piled high with bacon and a fried egg, cheeseballs, a funnel cake and a plastic jug of strawberry lemonade with two straws poking out of the lid. 

  Bridgeport was having their annual festival complete with carnival rides, a crowning of their hometown king and queen and the greasiest food in Indiana. You were sitting on a red painted bench underneath the green curtains of a weeping Willow as Eddie left to grab what he referred to as “a few snacks.” 

  You looked so cute sitting on the bench in his old dio shirt waiting for him. Seeing you in his clothes had his heart pumping into overdrive, and when you lifted your face to his and smiled as he walked towards you it almost knocked him dead. 

  Before you had left his trailer, you bargained to borrow some of Eddie’s clothes instead of quickly running home to change. “Nah,” he said with a grin, “I’ve got something you can wear.” He tossed you an almost worn through black t-shirt and a pair of athletic shorts he’d had since middle school that were definitely too short for him now, but hit the swell of your thighs in a flattering way. 

  Emerging from the bathroom in his wardrobe and poorly bandaged knees, he smiled wide, toothy as can be and nearly pulled a muscle in his cheeks as he tried to hide it, not show how he was nearly cracking ribs with the way his heart was swelling for you. 

  “pick anything you want, sweetheart,” he said gesturing to the food he had laid out like a feast. He slotted his legs through the picnic table and you could hear the jingle of the chain from his hip as it rested on the wooden seat. 

  A smirk pursed his lips as your eyes studied the fried treats. Suddenly aware that maybe you didn’t like anything like this? 

  Shit. 

  His nerves stabled when your fingers plucked the brown stick end of a corn dog. His heart soared when your teeth broke through the breading and you hummed in content. 

  His fingers twisted the metal rings on his left hand, eyeing your lips when a crumb formed on them. Unconsciously licking his own like they were yours, sweeping the crumb away.

  “Good?” 

  Your lips curved into a smile as you reached for a napkin and blotted the grease from your lips, “delicious,” you mumble with the bite still between your teeth.

  “I never been to the festival before, they do this every year?” 

  Eddie snorted, and grabbed a chicken strip, dunking it into a small container of ranch, the chicken crunches and melts on his tongue as he shoves it around his mouth to answer, “yeah, haven’t been here in years, my uncle would take me as a kid.” 

  Neon lights peek through the vine-like curtain of the willows branches, a faint low hum of cheery carnival music begins, followed by the gears of the rides, squealing for oil and grease. 

  The night was calm, a light wind bringing a quiet exhaling breath of air to the humid atmosphere, as you silently chewed your corn dog. 

  Eddie’s mind was racing, he had a million and one things to say but whenever he tried to form the words he found his tongue cemented to the roof of his mouth, concrete foundations keeping it in place. 

  Lucky for him, yours wasn’t. 

  “Thank you for the food, and playing doctor… I mean, bandaging my knees.” Smooth.

  His tongue detached and he breathed a hearty laugh, one that had you giggling along, heated cheeks from embarrassment and all. 

  “Any time,” he exhaled, hoping this wasn’t the only time you’d want to share a meal with him, “figured it was better than a lollipop after being such a good patient.” 

  “I mean, I like suckers,” you tease, pointing the corn dog at him, “but this is really really good— I wish Benny still served them.” 

  “How long have you worked there?” 

  “Well..” you do the math in your head, and un-ashamedly use your fingers to count the years, “six years, I think— Gareth and I both started there at the same time—bussing tables.”

  Eddie’s hands are threaded as he leans in to listen intently at your very boring story. 

  “..but then some cool older guy started a band and needed a drummer, so he quit on me.”

  You remember the days of riding in the back of Gareth’s mom’s car when she’d drop you both off for your shift on Saturday nights, both only fourteen but still spending as much time together as you could, the innocence of childhood still on your shoulders. 

  “Sounds like this cool older guy was pretty bitchin’, wish I knew him,” the dimples in his cheeks well deep, as he plays with his rings. Waiting for you to bite the bait.

  “Nah,” you play back, scrunching your nose and picking at the corn dog, “he’s not that great— pretty mysterious, really hard to read.” 

  He chuckles and fakes offense. “Maybe there isn’t mystery behind him, maybe he gets nervous around pretty girls.” 

  Your cheeks heat and you stare at the table for a bit before meeting his gaze again, “That’s too bad,” you add, clicking your tongue, “because he was really really cute.” 

  “Cute, huh?” He says standing and grabbing all the garbage from the table and walking to the nearest trash can, he brushes the grease from his hands on his pants, “puppies are cute, sweetheart.” 

  “Yeah, he looks like a cute wittle puppy dog, just wanna pinch his cheeks, and give him treats.” 

  “Oh really?” He says standing beside you and holding his hand out to help you up.

  “Mhmm,” you say placing your hand in his, feeling the rough calluses with the pads of your fingers,  “But he never called, never kissed me, he just disappeared.” 

  You walk past him, not needing to look over your shoulder to know that he was following behind you, his long legs making up the distance in no time at all. 

  You’d trolled down the sidewalk, enjoying the sounds of the carnival and the sweet sticky sugar of cotton candy spinning. 

  When the sky inks into dark, Eddie’s fingers graze yours and he doesn’t pull away. This time he folds them between the spaces of yours. Rubbing the knuckles of your hand with his thumb, noticing that you sighed slightly. 

  He stops when the sidewalk ends, a lone street lamp flickering and nothing but the hum of lightning bugs floating gently on the breeze.

  “Would you have wanted me too?”

  You stare up at him, a cross of your eyebrows indicates your confusion and a twinkle of a street lamp glows into your eyes.

  Eddie wets his lips with a sweep of his tongue. The ring that’s been teasing you on full display. 

  “That night, when I walked you home…did you want me to kiss you?” 

  Butterflies take flight in a flurry in your stomach at the sight of his shiny lips. You almost counted out loud to three to respond even though you nearly flung yourself at him. 

  “I— I thought it was obvious.” 

He frowns, shaking his head. A nervous laugh emits from him and he looks unsure of himself.

  “I’m not good at this,” he admits, undoubtedly fighting himself, “and now?” he asks, holding your chin between his fingers and angling your face up to his, “do you want me to kiss you, sweet girl?” 

  All the breath from your lungs leaves when you nod your head, and when Eddie’s lips nestle between yours, you're certain you’re the only girl left in the world. 

[munson-blurbs]

Congratulations of another celebration! Could I request Eddie/diner/milkshakes?

Guess who's back? Back again? Perv!Eddie's back, reblog this until your fingers bleed tell a friend.

Warnings: smut (18+ only, minors DNI), male public masturbation, oral (m receiving), Eddie is a total perv

WC: 1.3k

--

“So,” you say with a sly smile, dragging a french fry through a glob of ketchup, “are you bummed that you didn’t win Prom King?”

Eddie barks out a “ha!,” taking a bite of his cheeseburger. Grease trickles down his chin and he wipes it away before it can land on his t-shirt. The dance had barely ended before he’d started changing out of his tux and into comfortable clothes. “Can you imagine if Carver lost to The Freak? Dude would probably pull a Carrie White.” He leans over to steal one of your fries, despite the pile on his own plate. “What about you? Were you ready to fight Chrissy for the crown?”

“Nah,” you shake your head, swatting his hand away as he tries to take more fries. “It would’ve been criminal for Hawkins’ Sweetheart not to win.” Though her boyfriend is a total douche, Chrissy has never been mean to you. Besides, you weren’t even in the running for prom royalty.

The two of you enjoy your food in comfortable silence before you speak again. “Thanks for being my date,” you tell him. “I know prom isn’t really your thing, but…”

“Don’t mention it,” he grins. “I couldn’t let my favorite girl stag it; or worse, go with Jeff.” He says the name like it’s a moldy piece of bread, rather than one of his best friends, making you giggle. “And thanks for treating me to dinner,” he adds mischievously.

Your jaw drops. “Is that why you ordered a milkshake? Because I’m paying?” Eddie just looks at you with as much innocence in his eyes as he can muster, sticking the straw in his mouth and slurping obnoxiously. You grab it from him playfully, watching as shock spreads on his face. “Mine now.” You wrap your lips around the plastic straw and take a sip. Your cheeks hollow slightly as you struggle to suck up the thick, melted ice cream. When you pull away, a bead of vanilla shake clings to your lip, and you lick it off. “Delicious,” you grin, oblivious to the raging erection you just gave your best friend. 

“Give me that,” he mutters, snatching it back and drinking until he gives himself a brain freeze. But even the throbbing in his head can’t quell the hardness in his pants. 

You scoff. “God, you’re so selfish!” you exclaim, watching him greedily scarf down half of the shake. “Fine, be that way. I don’t need the damn straw.” With that, you take your middle finger, flipping him off before sticking it into the glass to scoop out some of the dessert. You take it into your mouth and swirl your tongue over the shake-covered finger until it’s clean, releasing it with a soft pop. 

“Don’t do that again,” Eddie hisses, trying to discreetly palm himself over his gray sweatpants. It was bad enough at the dance, seeing you in your prom dress that hugged every curve. Now your sucking on your fingers like he wants you to suck on his—

“Do what?” You bat your mascara-coated eyelashes, still convinced that his frustration is directed solely towards your milkshake thievery. “This?” You start to lean over, ready to scoop out more, when he grabs your wrist with his trembling hand. 

“Stop.” His voice wobbles, and he clears his throat softly. It does no good. “Please.” He looks at you with his brown doe eyes, a film of mist clouding them. 

“Are you seriously about to cry over a milkshake?” You roll your eyes. “I’ll just order my own if you don’t wanna share, jeez. No need to get your panties in a twist.”

Eddie’s leg is bouncing a mile a minute; you know he only does this when he’s anxious. “I’m fine,” he lies. “Maybe your panties are in a twist.”

“Impossible,” you retort, crossing your arms over your chest and leaning back into the chair. “I’m not wearing any.”

The table shakes as he involuntarily slams down a clenched fist. “You’re doing this on purpose,” he insists, raking a hand through his tangled mane of curls. A bead of sweat slides down his temple.

“And you’re being weird,” you bite back, grabbing your purse and standing up. “I’m gonna run to the bathroom, and when I get back, I’d appreciate it if you were finished acting like an ass.” With that, you hurry off, wondering what had gotten into your best friend between prom and Benny’s.

Meanwhile, Eddie lets out an exasperated sigh as soon as you’re out of earshot. He looks around anxiously, biting his lower lip as he slides his hand into his pants. He’s never been so grateful to be tucked into a booth in the very back corner. In theory, he should be the one excusing himself to the restroom to take care of his…problem, but he can’t just strut through the diner with his prominent hard-on.

Girls always take forever to pee, right? He thinks hopefully as he gently strokes his length. The goal is just to get it to go down enough so he can make a quick getaway, but his mind flits to you licking the milkshake off of your beautiful fingers.

“You like that, baby?” Fantasy You coos. “Y’want me to suck anything else?”

“Y-Yes,” Eddie stammers, tugging with more veracity as his daydream intensifies. He imagines you crawling under the table, pulling his dick from his boxers and into your mouth. “Please suck my cock, pretty girl. I bet you’d look perfect with me in your mouth.” He winces as a small groan escapes his lips, but no one seems to notice.

“Poor thing,” Fantasy You pouts, swirling your tongue over his leaking head and swiping away a bead of pre-cum. “You’re so pathetic for me, aren’t you, Eddie? Having your best friend blow you in a diner; you just can’t help yourself.”

“Can’t h-help myself,” Eddie echoes pitifully. “Want you s’bad.”

“Want me? Baby, that’s not enough. You gotta need me.”

“I need you—fuck, I need you, Y/N—”

“Eddie, what the fuck?!” You—Real You, not his imaginary version, is suddenly standing beside the table. He’s so stunned that he freezes in place, unable to even remove his hand from his pants. “Holy shit; are you jerking off?”

He looks down at his tented sweatpants; even after being caught, the man is still hard as a rock. “I—um, I…”

Your eyes widen at a sudden realization. “Wait, I heard you say my name.” You place your hands on your hips and smile. “Eddie Munson, did I do this to you?”

“Shut up,” he mumbles, taking the hand he wasn’t just using to publicly pleasure himself and covering his face. “You just looked hot in your dress, and then the thing with the milkshake…”

“Oh—oh.” So that’s why he was so strange earlier. 

“Yeah,” he mutters, the tips of his ears tinged pink. “You didn’t realize how sexy it was?” he asks incredulously. 

“Honestly?” You shrug. “Didn’t really think about it. We’re friends; ‘s not like you’re trying to fuck me.” You raise your eyebrows in a silent dare for him to challenge your statement. 

“No, yeah, no,” Eddie trips over his words. “That would be super weird. Crazy, blah!” He sticks out his tongue in an exaggerated attempt to prove his point. 

“Right. Like, if I said to you, ‘Eddie, I need to have sex with you in the back of your van right now,’ you’d be totally disgusted, yeah?”

“Mhm.” But the waver in his voice gives him away. “Can you…haven’t you teased me enough tonight?”

“I’m only a tease if I don’t follow through,” you grab him by the collar, slamming a $20 bill on the table. “Come on, Big Boy. Before I change my mind.” He stumbles to his feet, wiping his hand on his pants. He’s halfway to the door before he runs back to the table, clutching a glass when he returns. 

“I’m bringing the shake.”

--

[nobody-nexus]

TADC Incorrect Quotes

(With have Ragatha/Pomni, Jax/Zooble if you squint, and maybe like ONE Jax/Bubble for shits and giggles)

Ragatha: As your best friend— Gangle: Zooble's my best friend? Ragatha, holding a knife: As your best friend—

====

Ragatha: Pomni is at that very special age where an adult only has one thing on their mind Caine: Boys? Pomni: Homicide

====

Pomni: You know what? When I join this friend group, I thought you guys would be dealing with my bullshit Caine, Zooble and Kinger continue screaming about mold water Pomni: Not the other way around! Bubble: I dunno, sounds like you need to drink the mold water :)

====

Gangle: How do Zooble and Jax usually get out of these messes? Ragatha: They don't. They just make a bigger mess that cancels the first one out

====

Ragatha: Just be careful, Pomni! Pomni, heading out the door: I'm always careful, Ragatha! Pomni: It's everything around me that's careless

====

Caine: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems! Gangle: Weight loss? Drink water Ragatha: Clear skin? Drink water Jax: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.

====

Zooble: Hold on, I can explain Caine: Really? Can you now? Zooble: I can if you give me a minute to think of a convincing lie

====

Caine: You have to apologize to them Jax Jax: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!

====

Gangle: I came out here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now

====

Ragatha: Do you guys ever have a civilized conversation that doesn't require insulting each other every time you get a chance? Zooble: No. Jax: No. Ragatha: Didn't think so

====

Pomni: Hostage or not, sometimes it’s nice being held Ragatha: Are you okay

====

Zooble: When I get Doordash I order 20 Cheeseburgers at a time and heat them up throughout the week so that I don’t have to pay the delivery fee multiple times Ragatha: I hope you understand how food poisoning works Zooble: I hope food poisoning understands how I work. I never met a burger I couldn’t eat

====

Ragatha: Wake me up- Pomni: Before you go go Gangle: When September ends Caine: WAKE ME UP INSIDE

====

Ragatha, smugly, after security arrives to escort Jax and Pomni out: So, do you wanna walk out of here or do you wanna be carried out? Jax, in defeat: Let’s go Pomni: Wait. Jax: What? Pomni: I’d kinda like to be carried out...

====

Gangle: We have fun, don’t we, Pomni? Pomni: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life

====

Kinger: Hey Ragatha? Ragatha: Yeah? Kinger: What's your favorite color of the alphabet? True or false? Ragatha: Ragatha: ...What.

====

Jax: How high are you? Pomni: Mm, I don’t know how to say it in feet. Zooble: No, he's asking what drugs are you on Pomni: Oh, antidepressants, why?

====

Caine: It is 6:09 . Caine: I am wondering why I’m still alive. Caine: Send Wendy’s. Pomni: The whole restaurant?!

====

Zooble: I’m the smartest person in this group.... Jax: Really? Then why is your hand stuck in a vending machine? Zooble: I paid for my Mars Bar, I’m getting my Mars Bar.

====

Pomni: Which one of you was going to tell me that tea tastes different if you put it in hot water?? Jax: Y- you were putting it in cold water?? Zooble: Pomni. Answer the question, Pomni. Pomni: Yeah??? I thought people just put it in hot water to speed up the tea-ification process. didn't realize there was an actual reason. Pomni: Plus, you think I have the patience to boil water? Jax: You don't have the patience to microwave water for 3 minutes?? Zooble: Why are you putting it in the microwave to boil it? Jax: Do you think I have the patience to boil water on the stove? Zooble: It takes less than a minute. Jax: Is your stovetop powered by the f#%king sun??? Zooble: How long does it take you to boil a cup of water on the stove? Jax: Like seven minutes?? Gangle: Just stick the mug on top of the stove on medium heat and it boils in like 2 minutes... less than that if you use a saucepan! Zooble: Why are you putting the whole mug on the stove?? On medium heat?? Gangle? Your stove is enchanted! Pomni: Every single person here is a f#%king lunatic. Ragatha: Do none of you own a f#%king kettle?

====

Gangle: Guess what I'm about to get! Jax: On my nerves.

====

Zooble: Jax has discovered "deez nuts" jokes and it's all they say now. Everything is deez nuts. They simply can't stop. Zooble: I asked Jax where he learned that joke. He made me promise him wouldn't get in trouble if he told me. I agreed. Zooble: So, he leans in and whispers, "deez nuts."

====

Pomni: HELP! I TOLD RAGATHA I'D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN'T COOK! Jax, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

====

Jax: It’s impossible to make a sentence without using the letter A. Ragatha: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible, yet difficult, to form one without the specific letter. Here’s one more to further disprove your theory Pomni: F$%k you.

====

Zooble: New challenge! Don't say stupid sh!t for 24 hours!

====

Pomni: Coca Cola is a health potion, Pepsi is a mana potion Ragatha, amused: What’s grape soda? Pomni: It’s f#%king purple baby!!!

====

Zooble: It doesn’t have a bone Jax: Then why is it called a boner?

====

Pomni: Can I get a waffle? Caine and Bubble: *fighting and yelling at each other* Pomni: Can I p l e a s e get a waffle?

====

Jax: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes Zooble: Wow, I've gotta hear this Jax: I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn't share Ragatha: You forgot pride Jax: No, I'm pretty proud of this

====

Ragatha, trying to be cute: WOW, Pomni, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How AWFULLY lewd of you. Pomni, confused: We literally slept together yesterday? Ragatha: Eh- sweetie no that's not-

====

Caine: Can we talk about that mass email you sent? Pomni: Why? It was important Caine: All it says is, "I'm back on my sh!t". Jax, shrugging: The people need to know

====

Jax: We’re getting married, bitches! Bubble: And we're about to make it everybody else's problem

[bucketspammer4life]

All boxers react to getting a maid dress. Even the extra boxers (excluding Mac, he just gets a half eaten cheeseburger)

ANON YOURE A GENIUS

Glass Joe - absolutely losing his shit, a bit concerned for whoever sent it but laughing his ass off

Von Kaiser - sighs like a dissapointed mom and gets embarrased about it

Disco Kid - suprised that someone had the guts to send it in, finds it hilarious

King Hippo - doesnt understand it and thinks he just got sent a really pretty dress

Piston Hondo - turns red, almost dies of embarrasment on the spot and giggles like a madman

Bear Hugger - joking around with it like "pay me and ill wear it" And considering giving it to mrs bear for her to wear

Great Tiger - upset that theres no cat ears finds the dress kinda nice and also thought it was just a pretty dress, after he found out he just evaporates

Don Flamenco - teasing his fans to hell and back about it, "oh my goddd what if i wear this haha that would be so funnyyy guys"

Aran Ryan - a bit suprised but he has done worse 100%, finds it funny but is kinda dissapointed because why no clovers?? :(

Soda Popinski - unless its soda themed hes not wearing it, period. But he would find it funny and offer it to whoever else wants to wear it

Bald Bull - not sure whether to cry, laugh or go mad so he just does it all at once while staring off into the void

Super Macho Man - offer him 20 dollars and he'll wear it literally dying. Confused but laughing his ass off

Mr Sandman - teases his fans about it also, would say smth like "ill wear this when i lose to ____"

[farity]

Devil in the Details, part 2

No smut, just a fluffy little ficlet. My brain is gone after these couple of weeks (school). I need to organize the main fic post, too.

You made small talk with a couple of your friends by one of the curtains leading to the backstage area, checking your phone furtively. Aemond had asked you to go to the event together, but the idea of being photographed terrified you, and you'd agreed on meeting there instead.

"Oh. My. Motherfucking. God."

Margaery Tyrell, the prettiest girl you had ever met and your dear friend, was staring at her phone. She looked up at you and turned the screen so you could see it.

Getty Images was the premier photo service for any and all editorial and news events, and the gala night of the King's Landing Literacy Center was definitely a society event.

On her screen was the newest batch of pictures, taken mere moments before, of the Targaryens arriving at the event. And the one she'd clicked on was of Aemond. Wearing green chaps and a cropped jacket to match.

"What the actual fuck? Alicent is going to get an ulcer!" she laughed, and you had to smile.

Aemond looked amazing, of course, he could wear a fucking rubbing bag and look striking, but this was next level. And considering how Alicent had reacted to him wearing leather gloves that went up to his biceps, you knew she was going to flip out.

You texted him quickly. Chaps? Really?

"There's Baela," Margaery said, "I'm going to say hello."

You nodded and looked around, but although you caught sight of Aegon and Daeron, you didn't see Aemond anywhere.

A moment later, you were being pulled behind the curtain and as you opened your mouth to scream, a familiar voice rasped in your ear. "It's me."

You whirled around and then Aemond was kissing you, his hands on your ass, the scent of his cologne warm and spicy. You sank into him, sliding your hands up the smooth leather of his jacket. When he pulled back, he brushed his nose against yours. "You look incredibly beautiful."

"You look like you just stepped out of a magazine," you replied, reaching up to caress his cheek.

"Come on," he said, tugging on your hand.

You raised an eyebrow. "You just got here."

Aemond smiled. "Do you really want to stay here?"

Your stomach rumbled before you could answer, and Aemond ran a hand through your hair, "have you eaten today?"

"It's been a few hours."

"Well, that won't do," he said, leading you through the kitchen area. Hundreds of small plates with unrecognizable bits were laid out on prep tables, and Aemond pulled you closer. "Let's go get some real food. But first, I need to get rid of these."

* * * * *

"Much better."

Aemond smiled at you, the green leather chaps and jacket now safely in the backpack he'd asked his stylist friend to put away for him. He ran his hand through his hair and you decided that it didn't matter what he wore. Whether it was some outrageous getup to annoy his mother or the black button down and slim trousers he wore now, you thought he looked great.

"So, what did she say when she saw you?"

He opened the car door for you, waiting for you to be safely in before closing it and walking around to the other side.

"Oh she didn't say anything, but I'm sure she will call tomorrow to read me the riot act. What do you want to eat?"

"I'm dying for a cheeseburger after that movie," you laughed, remembering the very disturbing movie you'd watched together the previous week.

You remembered being incredibly charmed when he casually told you he'd gone through his stuff and cleared out half the closet for you, if you wanted to bring your stuff over. It wasn't official and he hadn't asked yet, but you knew he really wanted you around all the time, and you'd find little things here and there he had bought thinking of your comfort at his place.

It had only been a few weeks since that first night together but your lives had meshed together, and when he spoke of future plans that included you, you realized it felt natural and that you wanted the same.

* * * * *

"Happy?"

You turned to Aemond. "Yeah, that was a good burger."

He smiled, squeezing your hand. "I meant with me." He looked at you, his expression almost shy. "Are you happy with me?"

You reached up, running your fingertips through his hair. "Yes. I'm very happy with you."

He nodded. "Good, good." He grabbed your face in his hands, kissing you gently. "I am incredibly happy with you."

You leaned into him, sighing into the next kiss.

"Would you move in? With me? Stay here?"

You smiled up at him. "I would love that."

* * * * *

[hedgiwithapen]

post-s3, syl and the shade :)

Post season three! massive season three spoilers. Pat sat across from Sylvester, remembering the last time he'd been at Ritchies, trying to sit next to--well. Not him. But the booths really weren't meant to accommodate two grown men side by side. 

"The shakes here are really good," he said, glancing at the menu. "You always liked--"

"Vanilla malts. I remember what I liked, Pat." Sylvester snapped, but softened. "I still like them. Being... indisposed... didn't change that. "

"Glad to hear it," Pat said. "Anything else look good?" After days of hospital food, Pat guessed that just about anything would. 

"Give me a minute."

Pat picked at the edge of the table, still smiling. He looked across the diner to where Yolanda was cleaning the counter, and gave the good old smile and nod to Zeke, who was sitting at the far table with the High school math teacher and ... He was pretty certain it was Father Thomas, from the Catholic church down the road. Zeke waved back. Richard sat two booths back, further from the windows, sipping a cup of tea. 

It was almost like being, well, back in the JSA's lunch room. a bunch of other people he knew and cared about, eating lunch, enjoying their day, and him sitting across from Sylvester, waiting for him to decide. 

"You need another minute?" Maria asked, flipping open her ticket book. 

"I'll have the double bacon cheeseburger, no tomato, no lettuce, no onions, extra cheese, and a Vanilla malt." Sylvester said, without waiting for Pat to nod. 

"Hi, Maria," Pat smiled. "I'll have, uh. The sweet--" he paused for a moment, a flash of memory choosing now to needle him, "Sweet potato fries, and the chicken special?"

"You got it, Pat. Anything to drink?"

"The vanilla malt," Syl reminded her. She waggled her pen. 

"I gotcha."

"Just water's fine, Maria. Thanks." Pat smiled at her again, and she left.

"So." Sylvester said. " You said things were different but I-- didn't expect all this."

"Yeah, it's pretty spectacular," Pat beamed. "I don't know how I got so lucky."

"One way to put it," Sylvester said. "But that's you, Str-- Pat. Always going where you shouldn't--and don't get me wrong, it works out. If you hadn't disobeyed me, the ISA would have got the Staff--"

"Courtney calls it Cosmo," Pat interjected. Sylvester kept going.

"and then they'd have won.  You sure made some choices, but it all worked out in the end."

"It did," Pat said, shifting a little uncomfortably. " and we've been building something really special here."

"Oh, I've seen that. Dragon King's daughter, huh?"

"She helped us save you," Pat said. " She's not like her father." he paused. "Anymore," he amended."

"It seems like there's a lot of that going around." Sylvester said. "You always did want to see the best in people, Pat. You're lucky that didn't get you killed."

"Right," Pat said weakly. 

Maria set down his fries and Syl's malt. Starman pulled the paper off the straw, taking a long slurp.  Pat picked at the fries. 

"So who else is still around? You said Icicle's gone for good this time..."

"Yeah," Pat said. He wasn't aware of the details, and didn't want to be, but he'd known the steadiness in Artemis's voice to be truth. "Obviously you saw Charles after the surgery. Justin should be back in town soon. Courtney even found Wing..."

"I meant our enemies," Sylvester said. Pat saw the Shade's head tilt just a bit as he looked around to see who all had overheard Sylvester. Luckily, the diner was mostly empty, and Father Thomas seemed to have the others at his table's attention. 

"Well. Fiddler and Brainwave are dead. Dragon King is... handled. You know about Ultra Humanite. Gamber's dead too..."

"What about Sportsmaster? wasn't he with that Tigress chick?"

"Crusher and Paula are dead," Pat said, dropping his fry. 

"Crusher? Paula?" Sylvester frowned. "You called them by their real names?"

Pat swallowed. "Yeah," he said, suddenly hoarse. 

"Oh, my god," Syl said, watching Pat's face. " You--that's the same look on your face when Maggie dumped you. You sure know how to pick 'em, bud."

Pat jolted, and the room flickered just briefly as the Shade appeared directly behind Sylvester. 

"That," he said, in his most patient, and most terrifying, voice. "Was entirely uncalled for. You have been nothing but rude to our friend. That I can forgive. But you slight his judgement. You slight Barbara. Little wonder no one could tell the difference between you and Ultrahumanite."

Pat saw the way the light died completely in his friend's eyes. Sylvester twisted, the malt glass sliding perilously close to the edge of the table. 

"Take it back," he snarled at Richard.

"Shan't," Richard said. "It is out of deference to Barbara and Patrick that I do not take you on a field trip you would assuredly not enjoy. Apologize." 

"I am nothing like that monster!" Syl said, lashing out. The malt tipped, soaking into the pile of napkins. "Pat--"

"That wasn't fair," Pat said quietly to Shade. "He won an Oscar. He fooled all of us--"

"He was unkind to you. Just like this lout."

Pat looked at Sylvester, looking at him with more pain in his eyes since he'd woken in the hospital and asked if it had hurt when the ISA had killed him. He'd begged forgiveness for not protecting him. And he'd made his dozens of tiny little jabs. 

It was hard to reconcile the two people--the Sylvester he made excuses for, the Sylvester he loved like a brother. 

"It's ok," he said again.

"It is not--" Richard started.

"It's not," Sylvester said, just as broken.  Pat winced. "No," he agreed. "But... it will be. It can be."